#if some of these don’t click now
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A list of concepts I learned in my 20s that literally changed my life
There’s always another way
Despite everything, the stars are still shining for you to see them
It doesn’t/wont matter/pos
Things are meant to be used
If something doesn’t give you joy, you might not need it
Work smarter, not harder
Some days, the bare minimum is the best you can do, and it’s ok
You can’t control forgiveness.
Journalism, breathing in with the nose-exhaling with the mouth, works, actually.
#random thoughts#might update#if some of these don’t click now#they will in the future#and then you’ll be like: OOOOhhhh
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I think you know enough hq characters at this point so, who do you think in haikyuu would fuck their step-sis and why is it tsukishima (also ushijima but hes more lowkey)?? - 💔
🥲 if u were to crack my silly little head open and take a look inside. this would be the only thing u see. just pure hell pure chaos nothin else. NONNIE.. do u really want me dead :(
cw stepcest, dubcon, timeskip tsukki n ushi
sob sniffle sister fucker tsukishima. i am literally going to lose my mind thinking about him. he’s so mean, shrugs all your tears and whining off whenever the sibling banter pushes a few too many buttons. it’s just how he is and you’ve grown used to it — his snarky comments and how he could spark all sorts of deepest insecurities w just a few teasing, light hearted comments. but kei nii doesn’t rly mean that, and you know it. it’s just how he is, with the kindest heart buried somewhere deep under the cocky demeanor — that’s what you think, until you come home from uni for holiday break and go out one night.
you take a few shots too many, those airhead friends of yours that kei never really liked busying themselves w some random guys, and you end up calling him to pick you up. there’s some creep at the club that just doesn’t let up, you’re a little scared, and your phone is almost dead. he’s the only person you really know that’d actually pick up at this late hour and come get you — he’s your brother after all. and yet, you regret ever calling him in the first place as soon as you get in the car, listen to him calling you even dumber than he’d thought of you, jaw slack and eyes firm yet tired behind his glasses as he drives. you hold back tears on the way home, and for the very first time in your life, you feel like kei nii might actually hate you :( and that he meant every single jab he’s gave you throughout all these years. he tugs you inside the house, unaware of your silence, and grumbles something about u being lucky that mums not home to see you this fucked up. you sit at the edge of your bed, shaky fingers struggling to undo the straps of your heels, and kei lets out an exasperated sigh as he crouches down in front of you. he slaps your hands away, works on unclasping the straps and tells you you’re hopeless. you’re just so annoying with how reckless you’re being, he’s got practice tomorrow morning and yet its 3 am and he has to deal with you — careless as always. he sets your shoes aside and is about to get up and leave when he hears the choked little sound. a tear or two falls on his hand and he looks up — breath hitching in his throat upon his step sister crying. he’s seen it so many times before, being the very cause for your tears more often than not, and yet this time, he’s confused. you wipe at your eyes, a poor attempt to hide the heartbreak, and swallow back little muffled cries. you tell him you’re sorry, that you never wanted him to hate you. you’re sorry that you’re annoying, sorry that you’re being a bother as always. kei watches in sheer astonishment as your bottom lip wobbles, still glimmering with your gloss. just don’t hate me, nii chan. he almost feels bad, for the first time in forever, as you sit there in your tiny black dress, with those pretty long falsies on, and cry your heart out — for him. its the exhaustion, he thinks, it has to be as he reaches a hand up and rests it on the back of your neck. he calls you silly, wipes a thumb below your eyes and furrows his brows a bit — he could never hate you, why’d you even think that? you really are a dumb thing. he’s just tired and not thinking straight, kei’s sure, as he leans up to press his lips to yours and taste you. your tongue is heavy with intoxication and shock, and he makes out the faint vanilla of your lip gloss and remnants of liquor as he kisses you, languid and sloppy, something to slow down the haywire in your mind. he could never hate you, he repeats, easing you down on the bed and hiking your dress over your hips — groaning when you give him the prettiest wide eyes, glossy with tears still but oh, so hopeful. kei nii is a good brother, despite his sharp tongue and teasing nature — and makes sure you never, ever doubt his love for you again :(
ushijima though,, he’s a whole another story you’re so right. i’m p sure he doesn’t even give you any remotely dirty thought — anything that would be immoral considering your relation. you’re his little step sister, and there’s nothing more to it. sure, he’s never been too close with you — always solely focused on his career — but he does appreciate you. you’re nice, sweet and caring with the way you always pick him up from the airport or fly over to some of his games. (you always cheer for him the loudest, and grin wide as you tell the couple sittin next to you that the ushiwaka is your older brother.) you always welcome him with the warmest hug, standing on your tiptoes to wrap your arms around his neck, and laugh as he squeezes you — welcome back, nii chan, i missed you lots. he’s no fool and sees how you’ve grown into a beautiful young woman, too. he’s aware of all the looks you get when you two walk down the street and how it’s hard to keep count of all the boyfriends you’ve mentioned before. for some reason, none of them lasted, though, and yet you’d always brush it off and give him a small smile when he asked if you were okay. wakatoshi doesn’t know a lot about girls in the first place, but you’re a whole another enigma. like i said, i think he wouldn’t even dare think of you in any other way than purely platonic — and so, you render his entire giant frame putty when you first crawl into his lap with that pretty little glint in your eyes. barely a minute earlier you were just scrolling down your phone, w your legs in his lap as he goes through his calendar — next thing he knows, his little step sister is grinding down on him, breath minty on his lips as you moan. large palms rest on your hips and it takes all your willpower to stand your ground, considering he wouldn’t even have to put any work into pushing you off. he fixes you a confused look, eyebrows knit together and voice low when he asks what are you doing, why are you— you cup his handsome face in your hands, a manicured thumb pressing to his lips and it shuts him up ridiculously quick n effectively. s’alright, nii chan, it’s nothin’. you need him bad, you tell him, and prove your point by the sinful roll of your hips against his hardening cock. you see he wishes he could deny you, that he could tell you that it’s wrong and fucked up and that you can’t be doing this — cause you’re siblings, blood bound or not — but his silence gives him away. always so blunt and straightforward, your nii san now sits completely quiet, and you know that the cogs in his mind must be struggling, but if he had any second thoughts abt all of this — he would’ve already told you. but he doesn’t tell you anything, doesn’t speak at all before he exhales and pulls you flush against him, lips finding yours with way too much ease. toshi nii doesn’t have to speak at all — his actions do it for him, as he has you all spread out n making the prettiest noises for hours on end that day </3
#✧.* ✉ zari’s mail: 💔 anon#nghhhh THIS HAS ME SLOWLY GOIN INSANE SHSJJSXHXJSI#kei especially </3 he’s got me all choked up i love love looooove him he’s so mean#ushi bein all ffed up in this head of his he’s so cute. i wanna bite him#but in all honestly some of the others i’d think would ABSOLUTELY dick down their stepsis are#kags.. 10000% you cant tell me otherwise#AND last but def not least the one and only oikawa tooru. NGHHHHDHDHDH#everyone always bein head over heels for him but they don’t know he only has eyes for his lil sis </3 najdhakshsksksjsj STOOOOP#he’s so deranged . this clicked in my mind sooooooo quick u get me ??? she’s always there to give him all the praise he needs#there’s no one else that matters for her. only tooru nii#always </3 and he goes completely n utterly dumb on the ego trip#thx for comin to my ted talk. if anyone wants to elaborate feel free#now brb gonna go sob abt this#haikyuu smut#hq smut#tsukishima smut#ushijima smut#haikyuu x reader#ushijima x reader#tsukishima x reader#tsukishima kei x reader#ushijima wakatoshi x reader#★ ‧ ₊ after hours
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what makes people a friend to u
#cuz idk it’s always been just ‘oh we had 1 rlly nice pleasant interaction yeah they’re my friend!’#for me wwww#i shld prob change that tho cuz i cant just call anybody i talk to a friend fr 😭#perhaps an acquaintance is a better suited word ^-^#now that i think abt it i don’t rlly have much friends irl at least#like . 1 school friend stuck around n we still talk <3#and i love her#and then my other friend is my Literal Cousin#i become a whole different person w that lil shit#bro brings out my Demons#meanwhile online ….. Hmmge#idk abt online i kinda just chill here and do what i want#although there is no doubt that lock is 100% a friend#there’s some ‘we don’t need to talk everyday to click’ w me and lock#we disappeared and didn’t talk to each other for like WEEKS bc of school#but then vc’ed when we had time liek Nothing Happened#ofc the call ended when i fell asleep classic me ofc ofc 😋#but yeah#i need to teach myself that there’s a reason why the term Acquaintance exists#or maybe my brain is just thinking some bs for me to think abt#bc idk what to do at 2am
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recently got back into neopets after 10+ years and the neopets brainrot has firmly settled
#I swear I spend the entire day staring at my computer screen clicking all over the site and I don’t even notice the passage of time#mostly because now I can actually understand what to do on neopets lmaooo#as a kid I’d enter just to play the games and dream of getting some wearables and paintbrushes#(without actually having any idea on how to obtain said things)#I’m still dreaming about getting my hands on a paintbrush and finally fulfilling my childhood dream of a coloured xweetok#yes I’m a xweetok lover <3
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all the chinese mythology parallels for hmc are coming together…!
#doing some research (aka browsing mainly wikipedia)#and some of these myths… i can incorporate them really well methinks#phantylia with ties to daji? a malevolent woman/spirit who enjoyed torturing people and indulging in her own pleasures? oh yes#jing yuan and leigong parallels? punishing/ dealing with the guilty and dangerous? gimme#reader and dianmu parallels (dianmu is leigong’s wife)? mhm… although i have to find a way to incorporate mirrors now somehow#mimi as baize? yes yes yes#don’t know whether fu xuan will have any fancy parallels though… sorry#if anyone has any ideas hit me up#sorry for the ramble in the tags but it’s so satisfying when your research begins to click#r’s random thoughts#au: general’s flying ship#the editing may be fun yet
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hi lol i purged like most of my f/o’s on here, they’re still f/o’s but im content with keeping them in the back rooms right now since im focused on other f/o’s right now
#you don’t have to click on it but i just wanted people to know just in case everybody’s like ‘oh? no more f/o?’#NO i’m just super autistic about some right now#LMAO i might purge it more and just cut it down to those f/o’s#im speaking
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tags continued from prev post.
#and all of this is true while it is ALSO true that her songs age incredibly well#even debut or random soundtrack songs or endgame#whatever song people try to put on the worst Taylor songs list NEVER QUITE BELONGS#it doesn’t feel right. and to some extent occasionally in mercurial flashes I feel the same about her BEST songwriting list#I can never rank anything of hers ever because she can write better than she has written#if anything finds her own songwriting dead it’s what her future self will be able to achieve#and I think sometimes even the public can SENSE this about her and it’s part of why people are sooooo hard on her in a brutal way#and in a way they never are with other artists. who have reached the limits of their potential#Taylor has not reached the limits —that’s the simple way of saying it#in some way she is still figuring out the artist she is going to be#and I really do think that it is going to be absolutely astonishing#because in some ways (this is going to sound crazy) she is still distracted by her success and her tour#she’s NOT but I mean. the canon hasn’t been fully set free#there are still somehow things holding her back#and we’ve watched her outstrip so much of those early confines that fame and the business of the music industry strapped around her#we’ve seen her say ‘that doesn’t apply to me’#but actually she’s going to and she needs to and I believe she WILL continue to move into rarefied air#my mom helped me give me the final piece of this feeling (and it’s just a deep gut intuition/brain chemical thing for me)#when she said one day almost in mild exasperation: maybe one day Taylor will grow into a Dolly Parton#and something CLICKED#in my brain. and I don’t agree with my mom in terms of her non-interest in Taylor (as much as it has pained me to do so)#I think she’s worth loving and paying attention to now#but that gap that exists between people who love her and people who don’t (full time haters internet trolls do not interact)#I think it’s going to close with time as her work stretches out and out and grows and changes#like I think by the end of her career we are going to have something so astonishing#and to loop it back for a second to a previous thought. I think that’s why sometimes a taylor song can sound disjointed to me. because it#will hit the Depths of the Depth for a second. it will transcend and then it will go back to merely being an excellent pop song#those flashes are everywhere in her work but I think she is going to work and hone them into being conductors of light in a more steady way#the older she gets. does this sound INSANE. idk sometimes I think it does and then sometimes I think it DOESNt. so who knows. but yeah#it’s hard to say because I know it will read as more critical of Taylor than I mean it to be. when really I mean it with so much awe
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got the posting anxiety bad tonight
#click clack#ok a peak into my thought process and anxiety here we go#ok so the art is almost done and up to standard I would post onto my art blog#BUT for some reason the thought of posting art of my ocs there scares me#because even tho it’s my art blog in my mind it’s the equivalent to a art gallery that demands being detached????? from the art#like once I share it there it’s no longer ‘mine’ but to the public#and my ocs (plus the stories that go with them) are like the closest to my heart and relinquishing them feels like a lot#a part of my imagination that I spent so much time with developing over the years to be placed up for judgement…#so then the solution could be to put it here on my personal! the online space cozy enough and filled with other posts that could easily bury#the original posts I put here#but there goes my other dilemma. i don’t want them too associated with my personal for if one day i do muster up something for publication#my big fear is that ppl will find this space and go thru everything. the fear of being perceived and judged 😵💫#all the hypotheticals and anxiety for something that may not even happen#dumb mind problems my head made up 🙄#anyway writing it out helped lol I’m posting it to my art blog I decided 👍#I have to work on getting that blog to be comfortable space to post… i should lower that silly self imposed standard I set for myself#and be whatever about ppl being aware of my online presences#maybe… [grinding my teeth] I should post my messy sketches onto my art blog…#I should take my friends suggestion and make a website to feature my ocs…🤔#idk my only other solution that doesn’t feel viable to mitigate the anxiety is to slowly introduce my ocs in the background of setting art#just a slow drip until they are in the forefront#bleghhh whatever much ado about nothing it’s like I never posted my ocs ever when I have indeed posted them before on both places ( º_º )#I’m realizing it happens too when I post too much fanart in a row… I have curator disease??? 🫨#or something I used to be very particular about what order I reblog stuff like it used to be by color and content balanced out#I still do to a lesser degree… but it used to be pretty bad#post order compulsion????#the fear of being abrupt and incohesive in between posts…#if you read this far thanks you can now see how much this consumes me 🙃
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i love love looooove doing whatever tf i want with structure in lay me down BEYOND belief. have just decided that chapter eleven is basically a romcom montage except it’s set in the evil apocalypse library and also there’s no romance and it also uhhhhhhh makes me want to cry ❤️
#was going over the outline i had for this chapter and realized that the only real ‘plot related’ events#happen at the very beginning and end of it. and i got SUPER bummed for a minute there bc i was like. well fuck#now i’ve gotta chop this up and put this stuff in other chapters and do some major restructuring and that SUCKS#then thought about what if i didn’t do that and also thought about all these little mircoscene ideas i keep having that don’t really#fit anywhere that keep ending up on a list in my notes app then a cartoon lightbulb clicked on over my head#and now the ‘heavy’ scenes (ig?) are separated with montage.#and listen. logically. LOGICALLY eye know that it would make more sense to do the restructuring and that my little anecdotes are NOT#reallyyyyy ‘necessary’ at all but i literally found a way to have my cake and eat it to do u really think i’d pass that up#ALSO those scenes are EXTREMELY necessary TO ME#and in the end that’s kinda all that matters god bless.#anyways writing is fun u guys it’s literally so much fun i’m so happy with how this worked out#and if u read through all these tags ilysm. mwah.#wip: ghost story
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#mood#me trying to quit#the way i’m blocked by so many ppl i don’t know ….#wig#ALSKALKSALKSLAKSLAKSLAKSLAJSLAKSLA i just think it’s so fucking funny#to find out if ur blocked u just try to reblog a post then it says ‘cancelled’ or ‘could not complete’ & then u click the op & it says that#there’s nothing there then just go to like incognito mode for some browser & then the tumblr will either show u or say u need to log in but#it’s still so fucking funny to me#like ALSKALSKLAKSLAKSLAKSLAKSLAKSLAKSLAK#my content now ‼️
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if the tags on your ao3 fic mention rape of any kind, then i think i’m not crazy for expecting you to choose the ‘this work contains rape’ warning instead of choosing to say your fic doesn’t require any trigger warnings or that you chose not to say whether your fic is triggering or not. that’s not expecting too much is it??? i think it’s common decency and the bare minimum you can do to protect people who are trying to use ao3’s already crappy filters to the best of their ability????
#i know what i don’t want to see. i don’t want to see fics with rape#so i click to avoid fics that have the appropriate warning that their fic contains rape#however some of you people don’t give a single fuck to appropriately trigger tag your works#i’ve done what you’ve suggested. and it still didn’t work#i think i’m allowed to get pissed off now!!#the option to say ‘maybe my work is triggering. maybe it’s not. i’m not gonna tell you’ is stupid in of itself and shouldn’t exist#what is that for#what kind of category is that#how is that helping anyone filter anything#rape ment /
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It must be because I always listen to the radio so that’s where I hear the songs but I found another Terminal Velocity song (it is basic, but while I will not apologise, you did deserve this note).
It’s Adventure of a lifetime by Coldplay
#idk but the “you make me feel… like i’m alive again”#it’s not THE song for them but it is a song#i never knew this was “adventure of a lifetime” by coldplay until now because#i had only ever seen it in the “recommended” on youtube like years ago#and i never clicked on it because a) i wasn’t a fan of coldplay and b) didn’t like the monkey on the thumbnail#i don’t know a lot of songs by coldplay (i know 4 that i’m Certain they play) because i was never interested enough#So now i just get jumpscared when i go to look some random songs up…#Also yes i did say this almost solely because of the “like i’m alive again” part#anyway#it talks#song#shitpost#terminal velocity#i guess
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tic disorders are so Fun bc they are So comorbid with like. autism and ocd. and they are So fucking transmissible. watching YT vids with a guy who happens to have an eye blink tic and Whoops! picked it right up. and so the whole comorbid thing it’s like a petri dish of “Oh so you’re faking all this shit for attention then? you see someone else do it you do it?? bitch???” intrusive thoughts. and tics are different from compulsions but the stress of intrusive thoughts can also make tics worse which turns the whole thing into a perpetual motion machine. and so i get to chase that tail all over again now and i’m also stuck blinking a weird new way i wasn’t doing last week. gotta love it!!
#N posts stuff#really i’ve picked up a lot of facial tics over the years#i started with a neck jerk tic and that carrried us all by itself for a while#but then i’ve also picked up ‘weird face scrunch’ ‘weird tongue click’ and now ‘weird eye blink’#the face scrunch gets bad enough sometimes it’d also be a wink but now it’s blink both eyes time i guess#not all from like. seeing other people with those tics some of them just kind of spring up from nowhere#i’ve dropped a bunch of tics over the years too tho. when things got bad in high school#i had like a stint with a whole arm tic — like my arm would jerk up by my head#which also paired with a kind of. sneezy noise i would do? so i got a lot of awkward ‘bless you?’s#but i dropped the sneezy noise at some point and the arm tic mellowed out into ‘weird wrist flick’#but yeah it’s an absolute breeding ground for ‘oh so you’re a faker and a liar huh asshole?’ thoughts. sad!#and we can point at the ‘hey we Have a paper diagnosis brother’ thing all day but believe it or not. intrusive thoughts don’t give a shit :/#guy notorious for being a dogshit liar: man. i can’t believe im so good at lying i even fooled myself all these years#<- guy definitely not fooling itself/anyone else into anything
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i’m looking through silly posts to associate with chiyo bc she has so many serious ones on her pinboard, but i’m struck with the urge to stir up drama with kojirou — like is your muse the jealous/possessive/etc. type?? pls tell me how they’d feel knowing chiyo gets along with her ex, even if the two dated back in high school :’ )) dude affected her deeply, there’s history there… gimme some drama even if it’s kinda cliche 👁️👁️
#ko and chiyo: don’t worry we’re just friends#also ko and chiyo: click very easily and comfortably and absolutely could date again if they didn’t friendzone each other#also i just know kojirou would be judging and protective if he thinks someone is a little too ‘messy’ for chiyo#he knows her and knows how she is and likely feels a lil responsible for her#bc he feels responsible for everyone he cares about#anyway!! i’m arriving home now so i’ll be around once i get some food!#hope it’s been a good Monday for everyone 💜#but who would wade through the overgrown flowerbeds? brave brambles and traitorous thorns? | wishlist#get ready to ramble | ooc
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Why do so many people in this fandom obsessively treat Morgana like she’s nothing but some passive helpless eye candy who can’t make decisions for her own adult self and is just pushed and pulled and shaped by the men in her life… I’m serious, you all need to manage your misogyny.
#those fans have a tendency to ship her in the worst possible pairings too. won’t say what cause i don’t feel like trigger tagging for it rn.#and then they act like merlin was some sort of monster to her because they. like. refuse to rewatch the series or something idk. or at least#watch it through a normal non-radfem non-classist lens where you like. actually care about the oppression and not just morgana alone.#merlin was able to help her without revealing his own identity so that’s what he did… what’s not clicking#and you still ship them even though you apparently hate it so much ??? you make merlin’s view of morgana into one of objectification#and then ship it ???? just to woobify her as this innocent helpless white woman damsel in distress caricature#how does it not make you feel sick to turn her into an object like that#okay i admit this is vagueing @tio/dolma and their merry band of arm•r + m•rdana shippers#actually sickening#will definitely no longer be interacting with that person now 💀💀💀#fandom critical#tw incest mention#tw csa mention#ish#because… m•rdana is weird okay they met when she was in her 20s and he was like 10 maybe. get out with that shit. same for merdr-d. bad.#tw misogyny
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Broke down crying a half dozen times in my weekly call with my brother tonight. Imma gonna blame most of that on the heat. I’m not good at heat. I’m that weird idiot that gets full on heat stroke at 80F. After nearly a week of 100+ degrees with little to no cooling at night, I’m a little insane. Like, I did seven large-ish jigsaw puzzles in five days because I’m basically trapped in my air conditioned house (I am aware of my privilege) and I’ve memorized exactly where each fawn likes to nap at what time of day and I know when Jane (Doe) is going to check in with her kids and I even know when That Squirrel is going to sit on That Limb and just completely house some green pinecones. They’re fir cones actually, but that’s not a word spellcheck knows and have I mentioned I’m a little insane at the moment?
#also I’ve got stacks of more personal shit I’m trying to sort through#and my period is almost two weeks late so my hormone levels are way out of wack#but I did map the cta#so that’s something#and I’m reminding myself that it’s my own damn fault (probably) for not filling I the form correctly or forgetting to click submit or…#I’m not in Iceland on a writing retreat with some of my favorite people right now#and I shouldn’t be offended that even my local friends don’t want to hang out with me#have I mentioned that I’m going a little insane?
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