#and my period is almost two weeks late so my hormone levels are way out of wack

[fruitgoat]

Broke down crying a half dozen times in my weekly call with my brother tonight. Imma gonna blame most of that on the heat. I’m not good at heat. I’m that weird idiot that gets full on heat stroke at 80F. After nearly a week of 100+ degrees with little to no cooling at night, I’m a little insane. Like, I did seven large-ish jigsaw puzzles in five days because I’m basically trapped in my air conditioned house (I am aware of my privilege) and I’ve memorized exactly where each fawn likes to nap at what time of day and I know when Jane (Doe) is going to check in with her kids and I even know when That Squirrel is going to sit on That Limb and just completely house some green pinecones. They’re fir cones actually, but that’s not a word spellcheck knows and have I mentioned I’m a little insane at the moment?

[financeprincess]

It is so inspiring hearing about your weight loss :) i was wondering if you had any particular weight loss tips you’d like to share? I went through a period of weight loss myself, but have lately gained back a lot of what I’ve lost and I’d like to know if there’s anything that helped you get back on the wagon. Love your blog btw!

Don’t be too hard on yourself, its rough out here especially in the US. it’s easy to accidentally slip up and gain 15 pounds just by eating a lil extra every day.

Some things that helped me:

Intermittent fasting, only a 13 hour window though. The 16:8 was too much for me and with women it can screw with your hormones if you’re not careful.

Drinking lots of water. Like a ton. I put those hydration multiplier electrolyte packets in my water as well.

Get good quality sleep. I got some Brooklinen sheets and they are 100% worth it. Definitely improved my sleep quality. I also have a really nice down duvet and an Egyptian cotton cover for it. I also have a silk eye mask and a silk pillowcase from Slip that I love. Sleep is extremely important.

Get 10k steps a day or at least just walk as much as you can. I’m sedentary a lot for school/work/etc. so I absolutely have to get out and walk and get moving. Even if you just aim for a mile or two a day it’ll greatly help.

If you don’t want to lift weights that’s okay. It’s not for everyone. I used to be super into powerlifting and got pretty muscular but it doesn’t excite me like it used to. I do a mix now of walking, jogging, pilates, rollerblading, cycling, kickboxing, swimming, yoga, ice skating, and weightlifting. That way I’m never bored and the variety allows me to choose what I want to do.

Consistency is key. Doing 4 workouts a week at a light/medium intensity is better than doing 1-2 a week of super high intensity and burning yourself out. Every little bit helps.

I do a full body stretch every day. This is super important. Our bodies get so stiff during the day. If you don’t stretch this can lead to injuries when you try to do other things.

I love the sauna (and hot yoga too). If you can find and afford a gym that has a sauna, I would highly recommend. Sometimes I will just go and walk on the treadmill for 30-45 minutes and watch YouTube videos and then sit in the sauna. It’s the best.

Make sure you’re not deficient in anything. Take a complete multivitamin and get blood work done. I was severely deficient in vitamin D and it was making me depressed. Once I took a supplement, got more sun and got my levels up it really helped my overall health.

Cut out grains, sugar, junk food, fried foods, etc. and just eat real foods. Anything with a long ingredient list usually isn’t a good idea. It’ll take a minute to get used to it but once you start eating almost exclusively vegetables, fruits, proteins, and healthy fats you won’t miss it. I have such a big sweet tooth sometimes I’ll have to eat like five servings of berries with a few tablespoons of honey just to satisfy it, but that’s better than ice cream or candy any day.

Don’t deprive or starve yourself. I eat as healthy as I can manage 80-90% of the time. But every once and a while I will eat a huge plate of pasta, gelato, tiramisu, croissants, those types of foods that I love. It’s not helpful to punish yourself and you gotta live a little.

I got a smart scale in my bathroom, the one I got is from FitIndex. It has an app that connects to your phone and it syncs to other health apps. it shows you body fat, muscle mass, water weight, everything. Honestly super triggering at first because I felt called out lol but now I step on it once a week just to make sure I’m on the right track.

You do not need a gym membership to workout. YouTube is the best. I love Yoga with Adrienne, MadFit, Move with Nicole, Charlie Follows, Vicky Justiz, and there’s a bunch of others. Find what you like and try to stick with it as much as you can.

Rest is super important. Don’t run yourself ragged. If you’re sore don’t force yourself to workout.

MyFitnessPal is super helpful. If you have a history of disordered eating this might not be for you but it’s good to be conscious of what you’re eating. Figure out what you need to lose fat/maintain/gain muscle and then track to see where you’re at and adjust accordingly.

Eat more protein. Protein, healthy fats, and fiber keep you full. You will be starving if you eat only salads. Fruit smoothies with protein, protein oats, salmon, yogurt, eggs, etc.

Get cute workout gear. It makes it more fun for me to workout with my pink towels, my pink hydroflask, my lululemon yoga mat, I have a baby blue jumprope and pink dumbbells and pastel colored resistance bands for at home workouts. A lot of my workout clothes are from lululemon, alo yoga, free people, and aerie. I have some of those blender bottles in cute colors for preworkout, protein powder, super greens powder, electrolyte mixes, etc. Some of this stuff is pricy but I’d rather be investing in my health than paying medical bills down the road so it’s 100% worth it to me.

The only way to see permanent change is to make it a lifestyle. Unfortunately you can’t just go back to eating unhealthy foods once you hit a certain goal. Those models who say they live exclusively off of pizza and pasta and cheeseburgers are lying through their teeth. It’s perfectly healthy to have days off where you indulge or don’t exercise but most of the time you’ll have to find ways to eat healthy and exercise and prioritize your health.

[uwuwriting]

Maybe pregnant hcs for Todoroki, Iida, Shinsou and Amajiki???💓💓💓💓💓

-Ohoho!!!! This right here just melts my hurt. Even thinking about it makes me weak.Plus a little heads up, everyone is having daughters cause I’m weak to the knees with the thought of these four and their babygirls so be prepared. Hope I don’t disappoint.💖💖💖

*All characters are aged up so around the ages of 20-25 and up*

Todoroki Shouto

-You and Shouto have been together since your second year in UA.

-You got married when you both got well acquainted with the hero life and now live a happy , yet busy, life in an apartment near his mom’s house. 

-We know that this boy would want his family to be close to him and the fact that you get along with everyone fills his heart with so much love. 

-You two never really talked about children.

-Maybe a few suggestions of having a child in the future but nothing serious.

-Que the morning sickness. 

-Shouto was really worried about you, I mean look at you.

-You’re emptying your guts in the toilet every single morning. 

-You can’t eat most foods that you used to like and have a weird craving for tuna yogurt?!

-He doesn’t want to leave the house, he even convinced you to take some days off and try to relax.

-Give your body rest.

-He promised to get some days off himself to take care of you.

-You had your suspicions, tbh.

-You just didn’t tell him.

-Whether that was to not get his hopes up or to post pone the heartbreak you didn’t really know.

-So what if you were mildly panicking over the fact that the 5 pregnancy tests you just took were all positive. 

-It was the first day of your mini ‘vacation’ and thankfully Shouto had been called in today.

-Because you’re panicking and legit losing your shit over this, you call....Rei.

-Okay maybe it wasn’t the best course of action considering you were on the verge of cardiac arrest, but what can you do.

-You asked her if she was home and if you could stop by.

-Of course she said yes, delighted to see you and mentioned that Fuyumi was also going to stop by in around an hour.

-You made your way to her house, arriving just as Fuyumi was pulling into the drive way.

-After greeting each other and going inside, you took your seats in the living room and waited for Rei to make some tea.

-Fuyumi was going on and on about what the kids at the kindergarten were doing and how cute some of them were being. 

-Neither of the Todoroki women had missed your puffy eyes or how your smile would constantly waver, but they decided to let you tell them on your own accord. 

-Once Rei joined you in the living room, they both turned to you.

- “So how have you been Y/n, dear?” Rei said watching you really closely. 

-You looked down, feeling hot tears starting to form in your eyes and your throat tightening painfully. 

-Fuyumi moved closer to you while Rei draped an arm around your shoulders which were shacking at the moment. 

- “I-I’m p-pregnant.” it was barely a whisper, but they heard it alright.

-Mom mode activated 2x.

-They reassured you that everything was going to be fine and how lucky you are.

-They repeatedly said how excited Shouto will be and what of a push over of a dad he would become.

-After 4 long hours of baby talk, you returned home, collapsing on the sofa before passing out for a good 3 hour nap.

-When you woke up, Shouto was home and sitting next to you weaving his fingers absentmindedly through your hair. 

- “Hey there sleepyhead.”

-How could his voice be so soft!?!?

-You buried your face into the blanket, which really confused him, I mean...what did he do?

- “We have a problem...” pause....awkward silence.... “I’m pregnant.”

-*Windows noises*

-After the mild stroke, he lifted you up so you were looking at him and just stared at you. 

-Those seconds that he just looked at you felt like eternity.  

-The torture ended however, when he lowered his head to your stomach and lifting your shirt, placed a small kiss right under your belly button.

- “Hey there, snowflake. Nice to meet you.”

-And with that, 9 exhausting months started full of mood swings, weird cravings, back rubs and a never ending list of baby names.

-You two learned you were having twins on your fifth appointment, but you decided to keep the gender a surprise. 

-On a cold January night your two girls were brought into the world and it was one of the few times you had seen Endeavour and Natsuo in the same room bawling their eyes out. 

-Your white haired baby was named Rei *after her grandmother* while your mixed red and h/c babygirl Ren. 

-When Shouto held them for the first time, you thought he was going to have a mental breakdown.

-He’s a total push over and your girls are daddy’s girls to the core.

-He’s the best dad they could ask for.

Iida Tenya

-You and Tenya have been married for 6 years now and have been trying endlessly for a baby.

-You both agreed that you were ready for the responsibility and that having a little Tenya running around the house sounded like a great idea.

-Saying that you were exhausted form the attempts was an understatement.

-Tenya had incredible stamina and even more libido, so you can safely assume that during the week long process of baby making you couldn’t walk straight.

-However, your little shenanigans stopped when your doctor delivered you the news.

-You had been hit by a blood related quirk while dealing with a villain and had to get a check up afterwards.

-You were given a scolding the moment you saw your doctor because why aren’t you in desk duty you RASCAL!?

-You were confused beyond belief and it was written all over your face.

- “You don’t know do you?” 

-Le sigh.

- “Mrs. Iida I’m happy to announce you that you’re expecting, so that means you are to be put in desk duty for the next 4 months or else I’m making sure you don’t leave the house for a good 9 months.”

-You. Were. Ecstatic. 

-You ran to Tenya’s agency, bringing down the damned door to his office giving the man a heart attack.

- “Y/n what’s-”

- “I’M PREGNANT!” 

-Que ecstatic air chopping. 

-Tenya went into full dad mode during those 9 months. 

-Buttt he’s also kinda nervous.

-Nervous like Tamaki in a crowd level nervous.

-You get the image.

-You have anything you want whenever you want it.

-The nursery is done the moment you find out you are having a gilr.

-Unlike Todoroki he isn’t patient enough to keep the gender a secret.

-When the day arrives, you’re just chilling outside with him when you nonchalantly blurt out ‘my waters broke’.

-....oh...oH.....OHSHIIIIIIIT.

- “WHY ARE YOU SO CALM?! GET UP! ARE YOU IN PAIN? CAN YOU WALK!?”

-This goes on until you are screaming and crushing his hand in the delivery room.

-Your little girl is born and she’s a carbon copy of Tenya.

-Same colored hair and eyes.

-The face structure looks like you.

-She has your nose and mouth, along with your eyebrows but apart from that she’s a mini genderbend Tenya.

-Because she was born early in the morning you decided to change her name and so little Asami Tenya was officially a part of this world.

-Tenya cried.

-You cried.

-Asami cried.

-You were one happy crying family.

Shinsou Hitoshi

-You and Hitoshi have been together for two years now, but you haven’t put a ring on it.

-Sure you live together and act like a married couple already but you’re not Mrs.Shinsou.....yet.

-You have been feeling strange for days now and your period was late which never happens.

-You are panicking but unlike Shouto you two aren’t married.

-He can leave with almost no complications.

-You were his girlfriend not his wife.

-The pregnancy tests you had taken were mocking you from the bathroom sink and your poor hormone ridden mind couldn’t handle the stress.

-You cried a river until you heard keys jiggling and HItoshi’s iconic ‘Kitten, I’m home!’

-You couldn’t face him like this.

-In a haste you shoved the tests into the laundry basket along with their packages and covered them with some sheets. 

-Fixing your hair and washing your face, you straightened and walked out the door.

-After greeting Hitoshi with a kiss you calmly told him to go get ready while you made him something to eat.

-Your mind was running laps thinking how you could tell him or how you could solve your little problem as quietly as possible.

-That is until he walked in holding what seemed to be a box.

-A pregnancy test box.

-HOW CAN YOU BE BLIND?

- “Y/n, what’s this?”pause “Are you..?”

-Anddd more crying.

-You sobbed about how sorry you were and how you couldn’t explain how it happened.

-Both of you were so careful, how did this happen???

-After a good 15 minutes of you bawling your eyes out on the kitchen floor while Hitoshi was trying to calm you down, you finally stopped at the sound of his chuckle. 

- “Well, damn kitten, your surprise definitely beat mine.”

-Then he pulled a small velvet box from his pocket and watched you closely.

-Now you are Mrs.Shinsou.

-These 9 months weren’t as bad as you would expect.

-Hitoshi was really good at giving you everything you wanted and during the whole pregnancy you didn’t lift a finger.

-One October night your waters broke and you found yourself in a long procedure of bringing your child into the world. 

-Hitoshi was a wreck and had called Aizawa for emotional support who called Hizashi who called Midnight.

-Once you were finished, Hitoshi rushed into your room and found you utterly exhausted.

-He was the first to hold your baby and you have never seen him cry this much in your life. 

- “Hello my little Kei.”

-Kei Shinsou was a happy little girl with an amazing father by her side.

Amajiki Tamaki

-Ah love.

-Something Tamaki found during high school and held onto it ever since. 

-Now a well known pro hero, Suneater was more than happy with his life with you.

-He always wanted a little something more but never expressed it. 

-He loved the idea of having a mini you running around the living room or waking him up in the morning with little squeals and kisses.

-He loved you to the moon and back, more than life itself but having a kid with you sparked a whole new sensation in him.

-So he tried to be sly about it.

-Forgetting the condoms or to pull out.

-You not being able to find your pills.

-A whole lot of fun. 

-You were newly weds and your libidos were high af and with the prospect of children on the table Tamaki became 10x more driven and horny.

-So you weren’t all that surprised when your doctor gave you the news. 

-You had gone for a plain old check up when he came into the room with a bright smile on his face and congratulations falling like a waterfall from his mouth. 

-Once back home you put your plan in motion. 

-You had a feeling Tamaki was trying to knock you up for some time now.

-He couldn’t forget to pull out every time like come on.

-But you were fine with it since you too wanted a kid with him.

-You just would’ve liked a little heads up first.

-You made your little bun and put it in the oven.

-And waited.

-And waited.

-And waited.

-Until finally Tamaki walked through the door,  a smile gracing his features as he made his way to you.

- “Hey bunny.”

-Giving him a quick peck you told him to check the oven real quick to make sure the food was all good.

-He obliged, walking to the kitchen and seeing the sole bun sitting in the oven.

-He was beyond confused on why you would only make one bun in the oven and not more, I mean you are two peop- ohhhh.

-OH.

-He did it. 

-He let the news settle in before going back to you.

- “Are you sure?” nod “100% sure?” another nod.

-At that he fell to his knees in front of you, attacking your stomach with kisses and I love yous.

-To whom they were directed you couldn’t actually tell but you were happy either way.

-Calls the baby butterfly.

-Makes the whole nursery along with Mirio who is ecstatic.

-Butterfly themed baby room.

-Expect many back and belly rubs along with Tamaki coming home early because Fatgum cannot allow him to stay at work when he’s preparing for a baby.

-When your waters break you are buying some onesies with small octopuses on them.

-You have never been taken to the hospital so fast in your whole hero career. 

-After many painful and stressful hours, your baby girl is born and she’s stunning.

-She has Tama’s ears and hair but your eyes and nose. 

-She’s a perfect mix. 

-The Big 3 cry as a team.

-When she’s given to him, Tamaki just cry laughs at how gorgeous she’s.

-Many thank yous are exchanged.

- Cho Amajiki.

-Tamaki cannot stop repeating the name even after they have taken her away.

-He curls on the chair next to you, holding your hand the whole night, falling into a deep sleep, imaging his new life with his little butterfly. 

[btsslowburnfic]

BTS Reacts-Argument with their S/O- Hyung Line

BTS Angst: Argument with their S/O- Hyung line

TW: infertility

Maknae Line found here 

Jin: You sit there crying in the bathroom for the 18th time in 18 months. Every time you get your period is a reminder that you're not pregnant. A year and a half of feeling like your body had failed you and that you had failed your husband and his parents. Of course they don't feel that way, but you do. You rub your eyes and stand up. You don't even have the energy to get up and try to do anything today so you throw on some period panties and crawl back into bed.

The first few months after you and Jin started trying for a baby you shrugged it off as your body adjusting to the new hormone levels after you stopped taking the pill. But then more months went by. And more. At the year mark you made an appointment to see your doctor. She made some recommendations but told you if you two continued to have trouble you would need to see a fertility specialist. So here you were, 6 months later crying in bed and watching Netflix. The silence of your apartment amplified by the lack of baby cries and giggles. You had mentioned the specialist to Jin after you came home from the doctor. He shrugged it off. "We just get to practice more, if it happens, it happens." he kissed your forehead and then the two of you proceeded to make love, the discussion put away for another time.

You hear the door to your apartment open and close. You had forgotten Jin was coming home today from the dorm; days were running together for you lately.

"[Y/N]?" you hear him call out. "are you here?"

You close your laptop and sit it on your nightstand and pretend to be asleep. You hear his footsteps echo through the living room and office and finally, you hear the doorknob turn.

He walks over quietly and sits next to you on the edge of the bed. He gently runs his hand across your back, “Jagiya, wake up. It’s afternoon.”

You acknowledge you're awake but don’t roll over.

“What’s wrong? Are you sick?” he asks, his voice laced with worry.

You feel fresh tears in your eyes as you roll over to face him. “No. I’m not sick.” you whisper.

You see his face fall as he sees the sadness in your eyes. “Then what’s wrong?” he strokes your face.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” you respond quietly.

“You know you can talk to me about anything.” he runs his long fingers through your hair.

“I got my period again. Jin, I don’t think we’re ever going to be able to have a baby.” you start sobbing.

“Oh Jagiya,” he moves into bed next to you and helps you sit up so you can rest against him. “I know this is a hard day for you each month.”

“Each day is hard for me now Jin,” you sob. “Each day in this quiet apartment without a baby. Each time another one of your friend’’s wives gets pregnant even though we’ve been trying longer. I just want us to have a baby.”

“I know [y/n], me too," he says as he holds you.

You cry for several minutes like that and then reach across Jin for a Kleenex. “Jin, I think it’s time to make an appointment to see the specialist.” you say. You feel him stiffen immediately.

“We don’t need that, ” he replies icily.

“Jin, there is clearly something that needs to happen differently. We’ve been trying the same thing for 18 months. There is literally a doctor that helps people have babies.” you turn and face him, your sadness turning into anger.

“We don’t need help. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with me.” he sternly replies.

“It’s not about something being wrong Jin, it’s about doing what it takes for us to have a baby.” you can’t believe you are having this conversation. You shouldn’t have to convince your husband to go to the doctor with you.

Jin rarely gets actually angry but you can tell he is. He has turned away from you, his legs hanging off the bed.

“Well maybe if you weren’t so sad all the time you could get pregnant.” his words cut you to the core.

You snap your head to stare at him. “I swear to God Jin if you don’t unsay what you just said to me I am leaving this apartment. I have tried for 18 months to have a baby even when I used to be happy. Pretending like everything is great won’t suddenly make our eggs and sperm better.”

“If you want to see a doctor to fix what’s wrong with you, you can go ahead and make an appointment. I’m not going .” he says.

You feel your entire body fill with rage.“Fuck you Jin.” You get off the bed and go to the closet, grabbing your carry-on suitcase and you start throwing things into your bag. You walk back into the bedroom, taking underwear and socks out of your dresser.

Jin’s eyes grow wide in shock, suddenly shaken out of his angry stupor. “What are you doing?”

You walk over to the bed and look into his eyes, snatching your laptop and charging cables. “What does it look like? If my husband isn’t willing to help the two of us have a child, to make the small sacrifice of going to a doctor’s appointment with me, then what the fuck am I even doing here?” you ask rhetorically.

“No. You aren’t leaving. You stay here. I’ll go stay at the dorms if you’re angry with me.”

“No,” you counter as you start walking out to the living room. “I’m not staying in this shell of an apartment where we planned on having a family. It’s torture.” You grab your purse and put your shoes on.

Jin looks at you, tears rolling down his cheeks. “I’m sorry. Please, I’m so sorry.”

“Good.” you respond and walk out the door.

Part two found HERE

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Suga/Yoongi: You keep checking your phone. You had basically lit a fuse earlier and now you were just waiting for the bomb to go off. Still no messages from Yoongi. You sigh nervously and pick at your nails. Suddenly you hear the door open to the apartment. Maybe Yoongi hadn't been to his studio yet and the two of you could talk. "Hey Yoongi! I wasn't expecting you today," you get up to go see him and the second he walks around the corner you can tell that he knows. "Did you change the password to MY fucking studio?" You had practiced this conversation in your head several times since this morning when you went to see Yoongi at Big Hit. He hadn't been home in weeks. They were gone for the tour for 6 months, he saw you for an awkward week and then had gone back to the studio full time. The two of you weren't even roommates at this point, let alone boyfriend and girlfriend. He barely returned your calls or texts. You had resorted to texting Jin to ask if he was OK and he confirmed that his friend was eating and relatively well, but he was locked in his recording studio most of the time. So this morning, while he was at a meeting, you went and changed his passcode. Can't work if you can’t get into your studio. You purse your lips and prepare for the argument. “I did.” He stares at you with hatred in his eyes, his small frame shaking with rage. “Well at least you’re not dumb enough to lie about it. You are the only person, and I mean the only person who I have ever trusted enough to tell my code to and you fucking went behind my back and did that. What the fuck is wrong with you?” “I haven’t seen you in weeks. Weeks. After not seeing you for months. You hardly answer my calls or texts. You never come home. What am I supposed to do?” you plead. “I miss you so much. I love you but I don’t feel like you even exist anymore. It’s like I’m in love with a memory or a ghost.” “Yeah well, I can never fucking trust you again so I guess none of that matters now. If I wanted to see you, don’t you think I’d see you?” he throws back at you. “Wow. Really? Really? Are you serious? So you’re not here because you don’t want to see me?” “Do I look like I’m fucking joking?” he responds. You stand there for a minute, taking in Yoongi standing there. His thin legs, pale skin, and oversized clothes. Once upon a time this was the man you dreamt about spending the rest of your life with, and here you were today wondering how things had gotten so bad. You ask the question even though you don’t want to. “Do you still love me?” “Aish, don’t ask me stupid questions.” he replies looking off to the side. “Answer me Yoongi. Do you still love me?” You wait for what feels like an eternity. No response. “Ok. Cool. Great, Well, you know what? Here is your fucking password,” you grab a pen and write it down: your anniversary. “Don’t worry, the next time you come home in 2 or 6 or 10 fucking months I won’t be here.” You grab your backpack, you’ll come back for the rest of your things later, and you shove the paper into Yoongi’s chest without saying another word. You slam the door closed to your apartment leaving Yoongi alone clutching the piece of paper.

Part 2 found HERE

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RM/Namjoon: 3 years. You had been secretly dating Namjoon for almost three years. And today was the day you were over it. Last night you had brought the topic up one more time. “Namjoon, when can our relationship be public? Our third anniversary is coming up. We’ve met each other’s parents and siblings. What more will it take before you’ll feel comfortable?” Namjoon looked down thoughtfully. “I just want to protect you. Between any crazy fans, the paparazzi, and social media I think it’s best if people don’t know about our relationship.” It was the same line every time. For years. Usually at this point you would drop it, but last night you weren’t about to. “Ok so when will we tell the world? 5 years? 10 years? If we had a kid together, would they also be a secret? Would they not be allowed to see you in public or walk down the street with you?” “Of course not, that’s ridiculous.” “How is it different? If we are in a committed relationship then how is it different?” you challenge him. He shifts uncomfortably in his seat, “It just is.” “It just is? Wow Genius IQ over here has declared it so it must be true. I am sick of feeling like we’re doing something wrong. I feel like I’m a mistress or something when I’m actually your girlfriend who has been living with you for the past 2 years.” “I don’t want to argue with you.” he says as he gets up and tries to leave the room. “I’m not done talking to you about this.” you put your hands on your hips. “Well I am done talking about this. I’m not ready and I think it’s for the best.” “Why do you get to decide?” you ask, increasingly irritated that he won’t even discuss this with you any further. He lets out a heavy sigh, “Look, I love you. I’m committed to you. We have a good life together. Why isn’t that enough?” he says. And it kind of makes sense, but you don’t like being a secret. It makes you feel awful. “Please. I knew who you were when we started dating, I can handle it. Please,” you ask, surprising even yourself at how small and sad your voice sounds. Namjoon just looks at you and goes into the bedroom leaving you alone. ------------ In your sad and angry stupor last night you drank a bottle of wine and then leaked your own photos of you and Namjoon together to a tabloid. Oops. The next afternoon you see an incoming phone call from Namjoon, take a steadying breath, and answer it. “Hey cutie, what’s up?” “Oh I think you know.” he responds angrily. “What? What’s wrong?” you feign ignorance. “I don’t know. Put my name into google and see.” he responds quickly. You do and see several of the pictures you had sent to the tabloid and lots of headlines about his dating life. “BTS RM has found lasting love. Exclusive interview to follow, ‘we’re just so happy!’ girlfriend gushes“ you roll your eyes. You had submitted the photos anonymously, there was no interview promised. “Huh” you say. “Huh? Do you think I’m stupid?” “I mean maybe sometimes but usually you’re--” He cuts you off, “Don’t do that right now. I’m not joking. I am not ok with this. I told you I did not want this to happen and you did it anyways.” You double down on your crazy, “And I told you that I wasn’t ok with us being a secret anymore. So why is what you say final, and what I want tough shit? Huh? You got your way for three years. Let me have my way for the next three. I don’t care if they rip my shitty clothes and thick thighs to shreds.” You hear silence on the line and then slow deep breath. “I am only entertaining this because I love you and because I don’t want them to have to run a break up story, but we are going to talk about this when I get home. I’m still super pissed at you.” “Roger that Mr. Kim,” you respond. “I love you too.”

------------

JHope/Hoseok: You unlock the door to your apartment. You've been working 12 hours a day six days a week while your husband, Hoseok, was on tour. You walk in and see his shoes in the foyer and a smile instantly spreads across your face. "Hoseok!?! Are you here!?" you toss your work bag down and run into the living room where you see him sitting with a sour expression on his face. You walk over and sit next to him on the couch and give him a squeeze. "I wasn't expecting you until next month! Is everything OK? I'm so happy you're home." He turns and looks at you. "Clearly you weren't expecting me since the house is a fucking mess. There's coffee cups in every room and dishes in the sink. It's disgusting." You unwrap your arms from him. It's true. There were dishes in the sink and cups everywhere. You were a messier person than him and tried hard to conform when he was home. You were going to clean on your day off. You worked 8-8 every day; there wasn't a lot of extra time. You swallowed your pride and decided to apologize. "I'm sorry baby, I know I'm messy. I was going to get it all cleaned up before you got home. I know it grosses you out. Why are you home early?" you take his hand in yours. "I came home to surprise you. We have three days in between our performances so I thought I'd come see you. I wish I hadn't now though." Honestly it would have hurt less if he slapped you in the face. You feel tears threatening to fall but you try and stay calm to salvage this time that he's come home. " Well. I'm happy to see you. Why don't you nap and I'll pick up." you say and stand up, beginning to gather the coffee mugs and cups. He sits there with an angry expression on his face. "I can't believe you just sit here and trash the apartment I bought for you. Do you just sit here all day and make more garbage?" Tears sting your eyes and you turn to face him. "What the fuck dude? The apartment is a mess because I've been working 72 hours a week for the past 4 months so my quotas will be complete and I can take off work to spend time with you when you're home. And just because you make more money than me doesn't mean I don't contribute. I have a job. I pay bills. I work. I'm sorry that the apartment isn't up to your standards sir," you angrily take the mugs to the sink and wash the dishes while fuming. He's sitting in the same spot you left him, holding his head in his hands. "Well there you go. I'll be sure to mop and polish tomorrow morning before I go to work. Now if you'll excuse me." you head back over to the door. "Where are you going?" he asks, his head snapping up. "You said that you regretted coming home to see me, so don't." you pick up your work bag and walk out.

[tuanyiems]

Cookies and Cream

Yugyeom x Reader (f) fluff x smut words: 4k plot: annoyed by some (really just one) of your gratuitous “self-care” rituals, he decides to teach you a little lesson about indulgence, established relationship!au warnings – dom!gyeom, oral (f receiving), fingering, teasing, overstimulation, praise kink, squirting a/n – sorry for the delay, coincidentally I also had to work overtime for work this week lol now if only I had Gyeom too…but in other news, got7 is coming back in 3.5 more hours!!!!!!!!! I’m so excited y’all!!! // part of Le Chocolatier drabble series, which you can find the masterlist for in my blog. feel free to read this as a one-shot or part of the series, in any order you want <3

It’s 9PM on a Friday when you decide to turn off your work computer and call it quits. When you blink, the blue shadow of your screen still flickers behind your eyes and for the past two hours your right lid has been twitching every few minutes. When you stand up from your office chair, the world spins and you are briefly nauseated. You swallow down the feeling with a huff, throwing on your jacket and purse.

It’s quiet on your floor, everyone else having left already. It’s been like this the entire week ever since your project manager proposed a new venture and put you in charge of actually making it happen. Yugyeom tells you to just quit, but you figure it’s partially your fault too. You don’t know how to say no. 

So instead, you stop by the convenience store next door and buy yourself a couple of bath bombs. As an afterthought you throw in a box of Ferrero Rocher at checkout.

It’s another thirty minutes when you finally get home. Your whole body aches from being crouched at your desk. As you kick off your flats, Yugyeom greets you with a much too eager smile.

“Babe!” he exclaims, his black hair practically bouncing with every step towards you. “The boys are having game night tonight!”

You let out a yawn as you put your things down. “Sounds great, Gyeom, you go have fun.”

He let out a pout, “You don’t want to come with me?”

You answer with a tired smile and only grow even more weary when you see his infamous puppy dog eyes. “Gyeom,” you plead softly.

“I’ve barely seen you all week. Don’t you miss me?”

“Of course I missed you baby!” You pull him into your arms, nestling your face in his chest. You take a deep breath, his distinct warm bergamot tones filling your senses. You truly have missed him. Two years in and coming home to him every night still isn’t enough. Boy, are you in deep, huh?

“Then come with. Someone needs to put Bambam in his place. He bought a PC and suddenly thinks he’s a gamer,” you feel the rumble of his chest as he squeezes you closer.

And you feel your own resolve breaking the longer you stay in his arms, but when you blink, your eyes still sting from the strain of overuse and fatigue.

“But…I bought bath bombs.”

Yugyeom pulls away slightly and you offer up a weak smile. He knows you’ve been working hard this week. He assumed you would enjoy letting go and playing games for the rest of the night, so your rejection blindsides him. He was really looking forward to spending time with you and the guys. From above, he can see the bags under your eyes more clearly and you do look tired.

“Are you sure?” he offers up one final plea and you answer with a firm nod.

“Go and have fun for the both of us,” you assure, pulling away and heading towards your shared bedroom.

“Are you sure?” Yugyeom repeats, following after you like a shadow. “Want me to stay in with you?”

You chuckle, shaking your head as you pull out a pair of mismatched pajamas from your drawers. “Please, I don’t think I can handle all your energy right now.”

“Hey!”

“You are the love of my life,” You press a kiss to his frown and watch how easily the corner of his lips lift. “I love you, I love you, I love you, but please Gyeom, go out and have fun and I’ll enjoy myself at home and when you come back, I will welcome you into my arms and we can have the whole weekend together, just us. Okay?”

Seeing your exasperation, Yugyeom puckers his lips before breaking out into a boyish grin. “Oh alright! Go have fun with your bubble bath, I guess.”

“I will,” you press one last kiss to his lips before shooing him away.

It’s not long before you finally have the apartment to yourself. Humming, you slowly disrobe as you make your way to the minibar, breaking out a glass of wine. And just as you are about to sashay over to the bathroom, you pause and decide to take the whole bottle with you.

Impeccably timed, the water you left running is filled to the perfect level as you enter. Taking in a deep breath, you smile as you sip at your wine. The bath bomb you bought fizzes in the water, dispersing in the hot liquid in pastel purple and pinks, and fills the small room with the aroma of vanilla and lavender. For a convenience store bath bomb, it does its job perfectly, which is great because you honestly needed this one win for the week.

When you finally sink into the water, it feels like heaven on your aching muscles. For the first time in what feels like this entire week, you feel your shoulders untensing from the heat of the water.

You close your eyes, taking in a deep breath. 

And you almost fall asleep right there before you remember the chocolates sitting at the edge of the tub. Picking up one of the golden orbs, you bite at the curve of your lips and admire the crinkled foil before your eyes shift furtively to the bathroom door like a thief. Despite being alone in the apartment, you can’t help feeling like a child up to no good.

Yugyeom has a, well, disliking towards convenience store chocolates. He believes they dishonor the art of chocolate making with their “sick capitalist greed” (even though he happens to own a chocolate store). As a result, you very rarely ever ate chocolates that were not made by Yugyeom, himself, which was great because who doesn’t love free, expensive chocolates? But sometimes, you missed the taste of other chocolates.

Especially, Ferrero Rocher. Back in high school, these were your “expensive” desserts. Almost every month, they were your go-to treat whenever you were nursing your period pains and hormonal mood swings. When you entered adulthood and your self-care treatments became more expensive, so did your taste in chocolates.

But now, here you are, savoring the chocolatey, nutty flavor of convenience store goodness on your tongue while your lover is away like a wife with a dirty secret. Your life has come full circle.

You giggle, hand already tearing the wrapper off another piece before the taste of the first is even fully gone. Man, did you miss this flavor. If you could have it your way, you’d put Nutella in everything! The hazelnut spread was like crack! You make a mental note to buy yourself a jar on your next grocery run. 

With the delicious taste of hazelnut glazed over your tongue, you sink back into the tub and watch mindlessly as the pastel water swirls around you. 

Suddenly, the door creaks open and a hand pops through with your pink bra hanging by the strap on a finger. Yugyeom pushes open the door, revealing his amused face.

“So eager to kick me out that you left a whole trail of your clothes on the floor?” 

You smile up at him before sinking your lips into the water.

“And here I was thinking you’d be so lonely by yourself,” he pouts, setting your bra on the sink counter and approaching you.

You sit up straighter, lifting your head fully out of the water, as he gets closer. “I left a trail so you could find me.”

“Too late for your lame excuses,” he chuckles, sitting at the edge of the tub. His eyes follow your movements as you hug your legs closer to your chest. Most of your makeup has washed off, though the ghost of your eyeliner still tints the ends of your eyes, and though your lipstick has rubbed off, the inside of your lip is awkwardly wine stained. The ends of your hair are wet by the water and the strands stick to your skin in clumps.

And you are so beautiful. Not because you look particularly different in this moment, but because you look so real. It makes him think back to when the two of you first started dating. You had been so nervous, waking up early to put on makeup before he could see you and wearing lingerie every time he slept over. Back then, you’d even refrained from your regular self-care routines because you had been so worried he would think you were too high maintenance. 

But now, he is blessed to have you here, completely bare to him, literally and figuratively. All curled up in the tub, smiling up at him without an ounce of fear—it makes his insides all gooey. You do that to him.

The guys had given him a hard time about leaving game night early, but now that he’s here, he’s sure he made the right choice. 

“Babe,” your soft whisper breaks him out of his reverie. Your eyes brighten when he meets your gaze. “Wanna join me?”

Yugyeom closes his eyes, tilting his head up, and lets out a loud exhale. “You are perfect.”

You giggle, nose scrunching, until you hear the sound of crunching plastic. You watch, in slow motion, as Yugyeom’s gaze drops to the floor and the both of you freeze.

You blink up, swallowing. The residue of chocolate suddenly tastes sour in your mouth.

“Is that…” The words get caught in Yugyeom’s throat. But his silence feels worse when he’s staring at you with wide, accusatory eyes.

“Gyeom, I-I can explain!” the words come jumbling out of you in a rush, your mouth suddenly dry.

“You…You…In our house, babe?” 

“All the stores were closed by the time I left work. I just-I just wanted a quick snack!”

You feel like drowning in your own guilt when Yugyeom looks at you so sadly.

“You could’ve asked me to bring you home chocolates. Unless,” he pauses and a frown forms on his face, “you didn’t want to?”

You hurry to stand in the tub, water splashing from the sudden movement, but you don’t care. You twine your wet, raisined fingers between his.

“Baby, I love your chocolates! They’re my favorite, you know that,” you squeeze his fingers, ignoring the cold air around your bare skin. 

“Do I?” he sulks, looking back at the half-eaten tray of Ferrero Rocher.

You sway to the side, angling your body so your eyes meet his again. “I went into the convenience store to buy bath bombs and grabbed these chocolates at checkout as an afterthought. If I knew I was going to crave chocolates when I saw it, I really would have called you. But it was already late at night and I didn’t want to bother you.”

Yugyeom sighs. “You don’t have to explain yourself. You’re allowed to eat and love whatever you want…but just so you know, you’re never bothering me. I will make you chocolates even if it’s the middle of the night and you’re on the other side of the world.”

“Gyeom,” you pout, endeared by his words even as he’s saying it with a frown on his face. You press your palm to his cheek, guiding his lips to yours. “I love your chocolates, and I love you.”

Finally, Yugyeom smiles and you meet his with your own. It’s not long before he’s edging his tongue through the seam of your lips, tangling in your mouth. It’s been too long since you’ve been able to taste him on your lips like this. The quick morning kiss goodbye could only keep you going for so long.

You’ve missed this so much. You’ve missed him. How long has it been since the two of you had sex? A week? No, ten days? For the both of you, that was like an eternity.

You can feel your hunger stirring against the pliant muscle of Yugyeom’s tongue. You forget to breathe as he sucks at the bottom of your lip until it is red and swollen. It’s not until your lungs feel like they are burning that the both of you break away with heaving breaths.

Yugyeom makes a face of disgust despite the shine of your saliva on his lips. “You taste like that stupid generic crap.”

He kicks at the tray of chocolates on the floor and you giggle.

“I don’t know, Gyeom, it seemed like you were enjoying the taste,” you tease, tongue poking slyly out the corner of your lips.

It’s then that he realizes your bare state and a smirk replaces his frown.

“You wanna have a self-care night, right? Let me teach you something about self-care.” Without another word, Yugyeom taps twice at your thigh and like a trained puppy, you jump for him. Clinging to his neck, you wrap your wet legs around his waist and let him carry you into your bedroom.

You let out a squeak of surprise when he tosses you roughly onto the mattress.

“If you want to indulge, I’ll give you something to indulge in,” Yugyeom grabs at the bottom of his t-shirt and pulls it over his head before flinging it across the room. You watch with hungry eyes as his hands move down to his jeans, veins protruding up his arms as he undoes his button. You can’t help the disappointment that fills you when he stops there.

His brows arch at your expression. “Only good girls get rewarded, baby.”

“I’ll be good for you,” you plead, crawling to the edge of the bed to meet him. He cups your face in his large hands sweetly.

“You promise?” You nod eagerly, making him scoff at your desperation. “Good girls don’t break their promises, so keep that in mind.”

“I promise,” you breathe out as Yugyeom trails his fingers down your cheek before grabbing you sharply by the chin.

“I don’t know, kitten, it seemed like earlier you didn’t even want me in the house. Feels like you didn’t miss me at all.” Your eyes flicker up to meet his gaze, brows arching with concern. He points his nose in the air haughtily, but if experience has taught you anything, there was definitely a hint of hurt in his words.

You touch your fingers to his wrist softly. “I missed you so much,” you utter softly. And contrary to the gentleness of your voice, your gaze is strong and sure. It’s only when Yugyeom’s lips twitch into the slightest of smiles that you relax into his touch again.

He pinches your chin between his thumb, forcing your head to tilt back further. His eyes returning to their dark, demanding gaze. “What exactly did you miss so much, kitten?”

“Everything—your touch, your taste, the way you make me feel wanted and loved and safe and warm,” your eyes glaze over, conflicted between giving into your lust or your love, and feeling it all jumbling inside your gut. Both your chest and your core aches for him and it’s so apparent in the way your body seems to melt into the grip of his hand. “I miss feeling you inside me. No one else can make me feel that good.”

“Oh, I’ll make you feel good tonight, kitten,” he smirks, releasing your chin. “Spread out for me baby.”

As soon as he utters the command, you are rushing to the pillows. With your head sinking into the silk pillowcase, you open your legs wide for Yugyeom to admire. And he admires, taking his sweet time to follow you onto the bed, eyes glued to the heavenly sight of your cunt just absolutely glistening with lust for him.

His mouth waters just looking at you spread out for him. “Pretty pussy, so wet for me already.”

He trails his hands slowly up your inner thighs and you are practically vibrating, careening for more of his touch. Yugyeom smirks as he stares at your pussy. Even in his peripheral vision, he can already tell you’re on edge. Brushing two fingers up your wet pussy lips, he spreads your folds apart with the V of his fingers.

Your shaky inhale is audible, much to Yugyeom’s satisfaction.

“So impatient, kitten,” he chuckles darkly, enjoying the way your cunt clenches around nothing. He lifts his fingers off of you and raises it to his mouth. He watches you closely before releasing a low moan at your taste on his tongue. When you bite your bottom lip and watch him quietly, Yugyeom releases his fingers with a pop and lifts his brow. “You’re really trying to keep your promise, aren’t you?”

You nod fervently, making him laugh.

“Then as I promised, good girls get rewarded,” he smiles, a shine in his eyes that promises mischief.

With that, Yugyeom presses his two fingers back between your legs and you release a loud sigh at the feeling of his fingers stretching your walls. The ache is delicious and you find yourself whining a little too loudly at just his two fingers alone. You’ve been so wound up this entire week, the sudden stretch of his two fingers is almost overwhelming. Already, your walls are quivering around his digits.

You feel your cheeks heat, eyes diverting from Yugyeom’s gaze to the ceiling. When you hear his dark chuckles, you know he’s noticed too. You’re already so close, it’s embarrassing. When Yugyeom curls his fingers into your soft, velvety flesh, a moan releases from your throat as you feel a fluttering straight in your core.

It feels too good too fast and soon you are whining, palms flying to cover your face as the knot in your core tightens.

“Gyeom, wait, I-”

“Aw, is kitten going to cum already?” Yugyeom coos sadistically, fingers curling faster against your walls. “What’s the rush baby? I haven’t even tasted you properly.”

“Please,” you whine, tensing at your abdomen in a sorry attempt to fight off your orgasm. 

“Missed me that much, baby?” he laughs, feeling your walls squeeze against his digits.

“Yes!” you admit, feeling the telltale signs of your cunt contracting, “Yes! Yes! Yes!” Your back arches off the bed as your orgasm hits you, making your body quiver with pleasure. Heat spreads across your limbs as you ride out your high. 

Yugyeom’s fingers continue to stroke against your pulsing walls as he watches you cum on his fingers. His smirk grows when you open your eyes again, looking at him with surprise. Your hands come to his wrist.

“B-babe,” you stutter, body shaking from his continued ministrations. “It’s too much.”

“Shh,” he strokes his fingers softly against the swell of your walls while his other hand gently lifts your hand from his wrist. “You can do this, kitten. Be a good girl for me.”

You swallow, letting his fingers intertwine with yours as a thrill runs down your spine. Finally, you give a small nod, and he smiles at you with crescent eyes.

“That’s my girl,” he whispers encouragingly. “You’re so beautiful when you cum, baby. Show me how you cum, okay?”

You nod, squeezing his hand as he presses a third finger into your sopping hole. As soon as you’re stretched by his third finger, you can already feel your core tightening. Your heart races in your chest as Yugyeom curls his fingers into you faster, chasing the delicious high that is just tipping you at the very edge.

You let out a whimper, eyes squeezing as your walls tighten around him for the second time. His fingers dig into the perfect spot inside of you over and over until you are exploding with pleasure. All thoughts leave you as your mind fills with hot white pleasure.

As you ride the aftershocks of your orgasm, the fog slowly lifts from your mind and you are relieved to find Yugyeom’s fingers have stopped moving inside you.

“You did so great, baby,” he praises you and you feel yourself glowing from his words.

And then you feel his fingers move again.

“Gyeom,” you whine weakly.

He chuckles, pulling his fingers out of you. He smiles, coming up to press a kiss to your lips. 

“You’re amazing, baby,” he whispers against your lips. “I love seeing you cum around my fingers.”

You pout, running your fingers through his hair. “Only for you.”

You feel him smile against you before he moves to press a kiss to your forehead.

“You can do one more for me, kitten,” he murmurs, breath tickling the shell of your ear. It makes you shiver, and he can already feel you arching into him. “I missed your taste, baby.”

At those words, you groan. God, you missed his tongue on you.

“That’s a yes, isn’t it?” he chuckles, brushing his wet fingers between your folds. You whine, nodding. “Such a good girl. I’ll make you feel good, I promise.”

“I know,” you exhale, already shivering from his touch. You watch him with hooded eyes as he smiles from your admittance.

Slowly, he makes his way back down your body, tickling your skin with butterfly kisses down your neck and sucking red bruises down the valley of your chest. Planting a sweet kiss to your mound, Yugyeom pulls away to blow air at your glistening folds, admiring the way you shiver at the sensation.

Finally, with eyes on you, he dips down and licks a stripe up your pussy. He smirks with satisfaction as your eyes flutter close. He taps your thigh, bringing your attention back to him.

“Eyes on me, kitten.”

You whimper, nodding, and you rise on your elbows, gaze fixed on him. Pressing a kiss to your inner thigh, Yugyeom gives you one last smile before pressing his lips around your clit. You suck in a breath as he laps at the bundle of nerves, rolling his tongue in intoxicating circles. His mouth feels so warm and soft around you, you can’t help the sigh of pleasure that escapes you.

“God,” you moan, feeling the tightening of your core once again.

Yugyeom answers you with the press of his fingers at your entrance again. You let out a loud moan, feeling your walls quiver at the familiar intrusion. Despite yourself, you find your body clenching around his digits. 

The room fills with your heavy panting and the loud squelch of his fingers thrusting into your sopping entrance. But you can barely hear anything, your brain buzzing from oversensitivity. It almost hurts, how good he makes you feel. When he groans around your clit, it sends vibrations straight to your tightening core.

“Gyeom!” you whine, eyes prickling with tears as he sucks harder.

Your legs shake out of control when he curls his fingers against your g-spot, sending you hurtling into another orgasm. A guttural wail of his name leaves your throat as you squeeze your eyes shut. Tears run down your cheeks as your head hits the pillow and you shake against the mattress, overwhelmed by the wave of pleasure erupting throughout you. Wave after wave of hot pleasure spreads across your skin and Yugyeom watches in awe as your pussy squirts all over him and down his bare chest.

“Fuck, baby!” He laughs when you finally come to. “You just squirted!”

You feel your cheeks heat as you look down at his wet body and the mess on the sheets. “I-I did,” you mutter, suddenly shy.

“Don’t get embarrassed on me now, kitten,” he smiles reassuringly at you. “That’s the hottest thing you’ve ever done, babe. I just want to eat you out forever now!”

You suck in a breath when he dips down and laps at your cum. You shiver at the sting of oversensitivity, pushing his head away. 

“Too much, Gyeom,” you whine weakly.

He chuckles, pressing a kiss to your thigh before sitting back up. 

The smirk returns to his face as his eyes darken again. “Too much, kitten? But I’m just taking care of you. I know you love your self-care nights so much.”

Your eyes grow wide as you follow his hands. You swallow, seeing the bulge of his jeans. And despite having orgasmed the hardest you ever have just moments ago, you find your pussy clenching against air.

And the ache for your boyfriend returns, tenfold. 

A shiver runs down your spine as he presses his red, hard cock to your swollen pussy. A little indulgence never hurt anyone right? After all, you had a very rough week. 

[btsqualityy]

We’ll Be Okay

Jimin x Reader

Genre: Major Angst, fluff, established couple 

Warnings: miscarriage, description of a medical procedure (it’s kind of vague though), grieving parents

“That’s not a plus sign, is it?”

“What the hell else would it be, a cross on a pregnancy test?”

“Wahh,” Jimin gasped, looking up at you with wide eyes as he clutched both of the pregnancy tests in his hand. “You’re pregnant again jagi.”

“Let me see,” you demanded, reaching out and plucking both tests out of his hand. When you held them up, there was a clear ‘plus’ sign on the face of both tests. “Wow.”

“Aren’t you excited?” Jimin asked, his smile slightly dropping from your reaction. “We both agreed to try for another baby.”

“I know we did, but it’s literally only been two months,” you chuckled in disbelief. A loud cry sounded from Sydney’s nursery, so you set both tests down on the bathroom counter and walked out of the bathroom, with Jimin following close behind. 

“Jagi, we’re both still young and have never had any fertility issues so there’s no reason why it wouldn’t have worked,” Jimin pointed out, watching as you walked over to Sydney’s crib and picked her up, cradling her against your chest. 

“I know, but I’m still shocked,” you shrugged. “I mean, Syd just turned one three months ago and it’ll be a lot to handle three kids under five.”

“So what? Do you not want it?” Jimin wondered and you immediately shook your head.

“Of course I want it, I’m just nervous,” you admitted. Sydney then lifted her head from your neck, reaching out towards her father. 

“And that’s ok,” he assured you as he took Sydney from you, lifting her up and setting her on his hip. “But you’re not gonna be alone Y/N-ah, I’ll be right here with you the entire time.”

“I know,” you nodded, smiling fondly as you watched Sydney snuggle up to him. “Seeing you with them is what makes me want more babies with you, because you’re amazing.”

“Ditto jagi,” he smiled. “And hey, look at it this way: at least you got to find out like a normal person and not by fainting this time.”

“That’s definitely a highlight of this pregnancy,” you laughed, making Jimin do the same. 

“I got you, ok?” He whispered and you nodded. “We’ll be okay.”

............................

“So, I see we’re expecting another little Park,” your doctor smiled as she walked into the examination room where you and Jimin were waiting. 

“Yep,” you nodded with a grin, the nervousness having waned and been replaced with excitement over the month and some change that had passed since the positive pregnancy tests and your first doctor’s appointment. 

“Alright, let’s see what we have here then,” your doctor said, motioning for you to lay back. You did so, making sure to pull up the hem of your shirt a little so that your lower abdomen was showing. Your doctor grabbed the ultrasound gel, squirting a healthy amount onto your skin before grabbing the ultrasound wand and setting it on top. Jimin reached down and grabbed onto your hand, intertwining his fingers with yours as the both of you watched the screen for any sign of your small little baby. However, about two minutes passed without a word from your doctor. 

“How long ago did you take that pregnancy test Y/N?” Your doctor wondered.

“About a month ago,” you replied. “Plus another week.”

“And how many days late was your period before that?”

“Three weeks,” you answered with a raised brow. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah, I’m just trying to make sure that I have this right,” she mumbled as she focused intently on the screen. “So, you’d be eight, almost nine weeks pregnant then.” 

“That sounds about right,” Jimin confirmed and your doctor sighed.

“The baby’s heartbeat isn’t exactly as strong as I’d expect it to be at this point in the pregnancy,” she admitted. 

“And what does that mean?” You asked. 

“I’m sorry you two, but I don’t think this pregnancy is going to make it to full-term,” your doctor said apologetically. “Of course, I’d like to run some more tests on you just to be sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you miscarried within the next few days.”

“But...what?” You chuckled in disbelief. “But I’ve been feeling great this time around. I haven’t even fainted like I did with my past two pregnancies.”

“I’m sorry Y/N, and Jimin, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s no real rhyme or reason to it,” your doctor told you. “I’d like to run those tests on you though so we can be sure, so I’ll go set that up now and give you two some time alone.” Your doctor bowed lightly before quickly excusing herself and walking out of the room and as soon as the door shut behind her, you sat up as tears began to stream down your face.

“Jimin-ssi,” you whimpered, turning to look at him and he just wrapped his arms around you, hugging your body tight to his. 

“I know,” he replied, feeling his eyes starting to become cloudy with tears as well. 

“I’ve been feeling fine, I swear!” You sobbed against his chest. “I would’ve said something if I weren’t!”

“I know baby, I know you would’ve,” Jimin soothed you. “We’ll be okay, though. I promise.”

............................

After getting more tests done, your doctor found that your HCG levels, which is a hormone produced by the placenta, were extremely low and this only confirmed your worst fears. You requested another ultrasound just to be sure, and your doctor found that the baby’s heartbeat was still just as slow as it had been earlier in the day, and had even slowed down more. 

At that point, you had to start to think about how you were supposed to mentally prepare yourself to miscarry your child, but you weren’t even able to leave the doctor’s office before the pain in your abdomen started up and you knew that it was the beginning of what would surely be one of the most painful experiences in your life. 

To be on the safe side, your doctor opted to admit you into the hospital rather than have you go home, so that she’d be able to keep an eye on you and your physical condition. Once you began to bleed, you and Jimin talked to each other and decided that it would best for you to have a dilation and curettage, or a D&C. This was so that you could be sure that the baby passed completely, and that there’d be no issues with any future pregnancies.

Once you had the procedure done and had gotten settled in your hospital room, Jimin crawled into the hospital bed with you and cuddled up to you as you both cried into each other’s arms. It was hands down the worst day of your life thus far; such a happy day turning into a nightmare in the blink of an eye. 

............................

“Mommy?” You heard a soft voice whisper and you opened your eyes to see Noah standing next to your side of the bed. “Are you ok?”

“Not really,” you replied honestly, doing your best to give him a small smile in order to make not him worry completely but you knew that he’d be able to see through it. 

“I thought so,” he said. “You’ve been in bed a lot, and you don’t usually do that like how uncle Yoongi does.”

“You’re right, I don’t,” you agreed, sitting up and scooting back so that your back was pressed against the headboard. “I’ve been really sad though, and so has Daddy.”

“Why? What happened?” Noah wondered and you sighed, the pain of the miscarriage still extremely fresh since it had only been about a week, but you figured that you could tell Noah in a way that was age appropriate. 

“Come here,” you said, holding your arms open and watching as he climbed up onto the bed, immediately snuggling into your side. “Well, Mommy was pregnant.”

“I’m gonna be a big brother again?” Noah gasped and you shook your head.

“Noah, the baby died and went to Heaven,” you explained and the smile immediately let Noah’s face, being replaced by a pout.

“I didn’t even get to see them first!” He exclaimed and you almost wanted to chuckle at how outraged he was.

“We didn’t get to see them either baby,” you told him. 

“Well, if the baby went to Heaven, then you should be happy right?” Noah questioned. “Because Heaven is a place that’s good.”

“I’m sad because the baby was still a baby, and they should’ve been down here with us, growing in my tummy for a while and then being born,” you explained to him. “Just like you and Sydney did.”

“But since it’s in Heaven, the baby can look over us, like the ancestors do,” Noah replied. “You know, like Daddy said.”

“Yeah, but I still miss them,” you sniffled, reaching up and wiping at your eyes before the tears that had been welling up could spill over.

“Can I cuddle you Mommy?” Noah asked and you nodded immediately.

“I’d love that Noey,” you smiled softly, watching as Noah wrapped his arms around you tighter and threw one of his legs over yours, the same way that Jimin does when he cuddles you.

............................

Three weeks later, you had been making an effort to try and get back to normal, or as close to it as you could manage. You still hadn’t gone back to work, but you weren’t staying in bed all day anymore and you had actually started doing things around the house and playing with the kids again, so you figured that it was a start. 

As for you and Jimin, the two of you hadn’t really been talking to each other much anymore these days. It wasn’t that you were purposely ignoring him, it was just that things felt a little tense between the two of you now, since neither of you had never been good at dealing with negative emotions. 

One morning, after dropping Noah off at school, you came back home and were greeted with the sounds of glass breaking. Pacing into the kitchen, you found it completely empty, which only further confused you. Taking a quick glance around, you saw that the back sliding door was opened and as you walked closer to it, the sound of glass breaking got louder so you knew that it was coming from there.

“What the hell are you doing?” You asked in surprise, making Jimin stop and turn towards the back porch, the sledgehammer in his hands falling to the ground. There were several large stacks of glass plates surrounding him, as well as several glass cups, bowls, and pitchers. 

“I’m breaking glass,” he shrugged, reaching down with a gloved hand, picking up a plate and chucking it against a nearby tree. You watched as it shattered once it came into contact with the bark, and you looked back at Jimin with a raised brow.

“I can see that, but why?” You pressed, walking away from the sliding door and down the steps of the back porch to walk over to him, maintaining a few feet of distance between the two of you since he was still throwing glass.

“I’m angry,” he huffed, picking up the sledgehammer again and swinging it over his shoulder, hitting a glass water pitcher. 

“About?”

“The baby,” he grit out. “I’m the one who even brought up having another baby, and then we fucking lost it. Makes me feel like a terrible husband.”

“Jimin, it wasn’t your fault,” you tried to convince him but he just scoffed loudly.

“If I hadn’t opened my big mouth, like I always fucking do, you wouldn’t have been pregnant in the first place,” he snapped, picking up a glass cup and throwing that against the tree as well. “So I’m doing this to release some anger because if I don’t, I’m gonna lose my damn mind.”

“Jimin, stop,” you called out.

“No,” he mumbled.

“Jimin, please,” you said more firmly, but he just ignored you as he threw the sledgehammer down again and began to pick up plates in both hands, throwing them at the tree with more force than he had been before. You waited until his hands were completely empty again before moving towards him, quickly setting both of your hands on his cheeks, which made him stop moving.

“Don’t do this to yourself,” you pleaded and his eyes softened considerably. “There wasn’t anything that either of us could’ve done.”

“That doesn’t make me feel any better,” Jimin chuckled ruefully. “Knowing that our child died and that we couldn’t do anything to prevent...it fucking hurts.”

“I know, I know,” you sighed. “But it happened and we have to figure out how to keep living our lives. No reason for us to lose one another in addition to the baby.”

“You’re right,” he huffed, reaching up and wiping his face free of the tears streaks that had stained his skin. “You wanna go soak in a bath, drink wine, and cry until Syd wakes up from her morning nap?”

“Yes please,” you nodded, reaching down and intertwining your fingers with his. “We’re gonna be okay eventually.”

“We will,” Jimin agreed, leaning forward and kissing you softly before turning around and leading you into the house. 

............................

“Alright Jagi, do you wanna say a few words?” Jimin asked as he straightened up from sticking the small granite headstone in the ground of your backyard. As a way to get more closure from loosing the baby, you and Jimin decided to have a little memorial service, with just the four of you present. The headstone was very simple, grey in color with an engraving that simply read “Baby Park. 2020-2020. Always Love and Always Missed.”. 

“Sure,” you nodded, handing Sydney off to him before stepping forward so that you were closer to the headstone. “I’m so sorry that you couldn’t stay here with us. I still somewhat feel like I failed you little one, but I also know that there’s nothing I could’ve done to keep you here with us. Regardless though, I’m always going to miss you and I love you so much.”

“I feel the same way as your Mommy,” Jimin spoke up. “I’ll always wonder who you would’ve looked like this time, me or Mommy. I’ll also wonder if you would’ve loved cuddles like your brother and sister, or if you would’ve loved music and dancing like they do. It sucks that I’ll always just have to wonder, but I love you very much and I’ll do my best to be patient and wait to ask you these questions years from now, when I see you again.”

“Mommy?” Noah called, reaching up and patting your thigh, and you looked down at him.

“Yeah Noey?”

“Can I say something too?” He asked and you nodded. “Hi Baby. It sucks that we didn’t get to meet you but we all love you a lot, even Sydney. Make sure to look over us with the ancestors, ok? Love you!”

“Very well said, mini me,” Jimin smiled. “Alright, who’s hungry?”

“Me!” Noah shouted and Sydney babbled loudly in her father’s arms as she waved her arms around.

“Ok, come on,” Jimin said, turning around and walking with the kids towards the back porch. When he noticed that you weren’t following him, he turned around and saw you still standing in front of the headstone. 

“You coming Jagi?” He called out and you glanced over your shoulder, giving him a small smile. 

“Yeah, just give me a sec,” you nodded and he did the same before turning around and walking into the house. You then knelt down, leaning forward and pressing a soft kiss to the surface of the headstone. 

“You’ll be okay without us,” you smiled softly, glancing down at your charm bracelet that sat on your wrist. There was one charm that had the zodiac symbol for Libra which represented Jimin, one that had the symbol for Virgo which was for Noah, and one that had the symbol for Scorpio, which was for Sydney. However, your newest charm held the zodiac symbol for Sagittarius, which is when your third child was supposed to have been born. 

“We’ll be okay too,” you stated firmly, giving one last look to the headstone before standing up straight and walking towards the back porch, where you could hear the voices of your husband, son, and daughter flowing from the kitchen. Despite the shitty circumstances, you still considered yourself to be pretty damn lucky. 

[imagines-by-a-typical-fangirl]

White Lies (Pt. 05 of 21)

Pairing: Keanu Reeves X Reader

Word count: 2.4 K

Summary: Keanu found the girl almost dead, in the wrecks of what was once her car. While she was in surgery, stuck in a coma, he gathered the best doctors of New York to attend to her. They told him she is likely to have some kind of brain damage, what may lead to memory loss. And this possibility added up wit the fact that she's pregnant, made the council come up with an odd idea. They asked Keanu to pretend to be her husband, since the stress of finding out everything that happened could put the baby in danger. He reluctantly agreed, but only if she does has some kind of memory loss. He still goes she'll wake up soon, with her memories intact.

But when you finally wake up, there's nothing inside. You're quick to find your head is empty, void, like a blank canvas. The only thing that brings you some relief, that makes you feel less lonely is the mention of a husband. And you can't wait to meet him, because you know you can't deal with this by yourself.

<- Previous part (04)

Next part (06)->

{Keanu Reeves Masterlist}

{John Wick Masterlist}

×

Everything She Needs

Many tears cloud your sight when you see it. The cold gel doesn't even bother you anymore. With a bright smile on your lips, you squeeze Keanu's hand. The baby is just a tiny little thing, and you would never find it if it wasn't for the doctor.

“It's our baby.” You whisper, looking at Keanu. He has a small smile too, eyes on the screen.

“Well, we're done here.” The woman says, turning the equipment off and wiping the gel off you.

You're in the middle of week seven, and doctor Amanda Williams suggests a magazine so you can keep up with the development of the baby.

Keanu quickly signs up for the digital version and buys an e-book that explains week by week what happens with both the baby and your body. You're reading it on your new phone since the old one was destroyed in the accident, as Keanu drives you back home.

“On week seven, the baby is the size of a grape.” You read out loud, the tone of your voice raising a little on the last word. “So tiny.” Glancing at Keanu, you furrow your eyebrows. “We found about the pregnancy very early. The doctor said people usually find out around week six. We knew it back on week two.”

He takes a deep breath, eyes focused on the road. “We were planning it so when your period was just a little late, you decided to buy a test and it was positive.” Keanu sounds a little odd, and it makes you look away, reading the e-book to yourself.

Keanu has been weird since last week, but you've been in and out of the hospital, so you didn't have time to talk. Once you get home, you excuse yourself to take a shower, lingering in your bedroom for a while, lying down with a hand on your stomach. It has become a habit, and you've been starting to talk more with the baby too.

A few moments later you head downstairs, finding Keanu on the couch, watching TV. Shyly, you walk over to him, standing beside the couch. It doesn't take much until he notices you.

“What are you watching?”

“The news.” He answers, gesturing for you to sit down, and so you do.

But the silence is uncomfortable, and you don't understand why. You want to ask, but it feels like there's a huge wall separating both of you. It hits you suddenly that it maybe be some kind of crisis. Is it how your marriage ends? Because of you and a stupid accident? Taking one of the pillows, you hug it, breathing deeply and running a hand through your hair.

“Do you want to watch something?” Keanu suddenly asks, breaking the ice. Giving him a look, you nod. “Tell me what.”

“Uhm...” Sitting up straight, you can't help but feel a little better that he's talking to you. “What about that assassin movie you told me about?”

“Alright.” Keanu searches through his phone, and a few moments later he plays the movie on the TV.

Focusing on the film, you can't help but cry a little when some assholes kill the puppy. You try not to let him notice as you wipe some tears away. It's uncertain if the crying is just about the dog or if it's mixed up with everything else. The accident, the situation itself, and Keanu's weird behavior. The hormones are probably adding up too, so you fully crying in no time, watching as John Wick buries the dog in his garden.

“Are you alright?” Keanu asks, and you silently shake your head, eyes still on the screen. “If you're feeling bad we can–”

“I-I'm alright.” Clearing your throat, you try not to be bitter about it. He probably has a lot in his head, that's all. “It's just the dog.”

He nods, and you move away from him just a little. If he needs space, you will give it to him. But the movie takes you over bit by bit, and you're at the edge of your seat by the end, only relaxing when the credits start rolling. You were planning on letting him be, but the movie got you a little excited.

“That was amazing.” You exclaim, turning your body towards him. “You're absolutely awesome and I'm so glad he got Iosef.”

“I'm happy you enjoyed it.”

“Yeah... And you still keep the look.” With a small smile, you gesture at his hair and beard, pretty much the same he had on when playing John Wick. “I really like it.” You decide to say, hoping the low light, since the night is falling, will hide your blushing cheeks.

“That's why I keep it,” Keanu answers, the credits still rolling on the screen.

You lock eyes with him for a while, and you wait for him to look away, but he doesn't. Biting your lip, you pull both your legs up. “What now?” You ask in a low voice.

“There are two other movies.”

“Let's watch them.”

As much as the second movie is great, you're tired, and the fact that you decided to lie down doesn't help. You stay in a half curled position so your feet won't touch Keanu. Sleep starts taking over, and your eyelids get heavy. As you usually do whenever you're almost falling asleep, you place a hand on your stomach, eyes already closed as you try to at least listen to what's going on in the movie. Taking a deep breath, you move almost involuntary, searching for Keanu's hand, pulling it to your belly. The warmth makes you sink a little more into sleep, but when he removes the hand, you're fully awake.

Pushing yourself back to a sitting position, you just decided you can't take it anymore. You need to know what's going on. So you ignore the movie for a while, grabbing his forearm to get his attention. When his dark eyes find you, you sigh. “What's going on?” Your voice is weak, a whisper, and you wonder if he even heard you.

But when he pauses the movie, you know he did. “What do you mean?”

Running a hand through your hair, you feel a lump in your throat. “You've been... Distant. I...” Biting your lip, you look down. “I know everything is screwed up and maybe I'm a stranger to you too since everything... Everything inside me vanished and the girl you fell in love with is gone in a way but I... I'm trying. I'm trying to make things right somehow. I'm trying to remember and–” A sob escapes your lips, followed by some tears. You're feeling lost again, and as much as you're struggling to get used to Keanu, to the fact that you're married to the man, you feel like he's not. He's keeping a distance as if you were nothing to each other. “–and sometimes I fall asleep with my head just about to explode because I'm just trying so hard.” That's something you didn't want him to know, but the words are just coming out. “And it's alright if you want a divorce or something, I already told you that, just... Just don't do that.”

“(Y/N), I–”

“No, please, let me talk.” Clearing your throat and getting up to your feet, you pace around a little, just to catch your breath and maybe the blood flowing will help you think. “I want you to enjoy the pregnancy as well. I know I was put into this crazy situation, married with a child on the way, but we planned this. And I do want you to be part of it, Keanu. So just tell me what you want to do. If you want to break apart, that's alright. I'll still let you be part of everything, b-but if you still love me somehow, let's just... Let's try, you and I. Because I want to, I...” Covering your face with both your hands, you break down again, face already soaked in tears, sobs shaking your body.

His heart broke. Seeing (Y/N) like that, because of him, destroyed Keanu on a whole other level. He was just trying to give her space, not to make things worse, not to touch her, the woman he had nothing with, not to invade her space. He had no idea what he was causing, and if he did, he'd have a totally different approach. Part of him was hoping her memories would come back. Dr. Wright said the longer it takes, smaller are the chances. In the past two weeks, it was critical. If she was to remember, she's doing that on the following days. But she didn't. And Keanu was once again lost in guilt, confused, caught in between the truth and (Y/N)'s truth. Two different things entirely.

And he messed up. He was hurting her, instead of taking care of her.

“I'm sorry.” He mumbles, taking her hand. She pulls away, but he doesn't let go. Her teary eyes meet his, tears still flowing out. “I'm trying not to make you uncomfortable. I can only imagine what it might be to have a man around, wanting to be intimate with you. I am your husband, but I'm just afraid that in your mind I'll be just a stranger trying to take advantage of you.” He speaks slow, thumb caressing her soft skin.

“But I want to try, Keanu.” She whimpers, eyes on the floor. “Or maybe we're just like this? We're a distant couple and I–”

“We're not.” Keanu stands up, hands cupping her face, trying to wipe off some of the tears that don't stop rolling down. He can't let her feel like this. He promised to be with her, and she feels alone. Left aside. This might be a lie to him, the dirtiest lie Keanu had ever told, but to (Y/N), is her life. “We're in love. I'm in love with you. And I'm sorry it came out the wrong way.”

“I... I was reading that book to you and the baby is the size of a grape, it's so tiny and you didn't even...” She makes a pause, taking a deep breath. “It was so interesting and I really wanted to share it with you but you didn't seem like you cared so I just read it all by myself and I know I sound like an idiot, but I want this. I want to try. I don't want to break up a marriage that made both of us happy just because of my stupid brain is a freaking void.” The words come out fast, and (Y/N) covers up her face again.

God, he doesn't even know what hurts more. (Y/N) being so desperate because of him, or him knowing everything she believes in is a forgery. Gently, he pulls her hands down once again. “I'm sorry if I led you to believe that I'm not interested in our child.” How much he wishes it was true. Keanu knows he has to be careful not to fall into his only deceit. “I am. And I have no intention of divorcing you, we're in this together, beautiful, and we'll face it together.” He keeps his voice soft, looking into her sad eyes, shining from the light coming from the paused movie. “Now stop crying, alright?”

She nods, putting a strand of hair behind her ears. “So we're good? I mean... I want to try, i-if you wait a little bit, I'll–”

“I'd wait forever,” Keanu assures her, pulling the girl into his arms, strongly embracing her smaller figure. “Why don't you read the e-book for me?” Sliding his hand in between their bodies, he caresses her belly with the back of his hand.

He'll do it. He'll be her husband, he'll be everything she needs as long as she's happy. As long as she keeps showing him that wonderful smile.

Feeling a little better, you make your way back to the couch after going upstairs to get your phone. Running a hand through your hair, you settle down next to Keanu, closer to him this time, your folded legs only an inch from touching his. You're still a little unsure if he really wants to do this, but you start anyways, clearing your throat. “On week seven the baby is the size of a grape... But I already said that...” Eyes scannig through the words, you try to find the parts you found more interesting.

“It is tiny.” He says, and when you look up, his eyes are already set on you.

“Yeah.” Blushing a little, you focus on the cellphone screen again. “A delicate network of nerves starts spreading through the baby's body, and they will start to make constant little motions. Soon they'll be able to feel sensations like temperature and taste.”

“So they'll start moving.” He says, his giant hand laying on your stomach. “When will they start to kick?”

“Around twenty weeks. So it'll be a while until that.” Going through the pages, you sigh. “It says that I'll feel thirsty more often and that I should do some exercise.”

“We could walk around the condo every morning,” Keanu suggests and you put the phone away, throwing it behind your back.

“I'd like that.” You agree, shyly nodding.

“I–” He's interrupted by his phone beeping, signaling a text arrived. Or plenty, because it keeps beeping non-stop. He furrows his eyes and picks it from the coffee table, eyes moving through the screen.

“Something happened?”

“Lucia Davis.” He says, typing something down before looking back at you. Keanu seems worried suddenly, a little restless. “She... She was friends with your mother and she's coming to visit you next week.”

“That's good.”

“It is.”

“Then why do you look so... Troubled?” Moving a little closer, you touch his shoulder.

“I'm just worried it'll be too much for you. You just told me you're going to sleep with terrible headaches and I don't want anyone else who'll push you too hard.”

With a small smile on your lips, you decide to be a little brave, moving to place a quick kiss on his cheek. “Thank you for worrying about me. But I'm fine, and if I'm not I'll let you know, I promise.”

He smiles too, caressing your chin with his index finger. “Alright. Now keep reading, there's still a lot we need to learn about our baby.”

×

@multific @inumorph @aestheticallywinchester @bvbwestfall @liviiii98 @allie1804-fan @gian-giannina @playboygeniusphilanthropist @partypoison00 @mariafetamina @fortheloveoffanfic @trin303

[mamabearcatfanfics]

A little Christmas Elf told me there was a delay on @lavendertwilight89‘s IYBC Secret Santa gift, so I decided to write just a little something. She already has the whole fic, but I’ll be releasing it here on tumblr in two parts. Just a little something soft and sweet, partially inspired by something that happened between myself and my husband when we were only just together and still working each other out, and also by one of her chosen prompts. So, without further ado, here’s Part One of Song and Dance Man.

Or read the entire story on AO3

🎵

Inuyasha walked out of his small kitchen, carrying a large mug of hot chocolate with extra marshmallows and a plate of chocolate chip cookies on a tray. He put it down on the coffee table in front of his girlfriend, stooping to drop a kiss on the top of her head, then snorted as she tried to nudge him aside so she could see the show she was currently watching. He didn’t know which one it was – they all seemed to blend into one another, and he did his best to block out the singing. Why was there always singing?

“Another one?” he teased, blocking her view even more. “You mean you haven’t watched every single musical on Netflix already? What’s this one called?”

“Singing in the Rain”, Kagome said testily. “And it doesn’t matter how many times I watch them, they make me feel better”, she said, trying to lean sideways. “C’mon, Inuyasha, move!”

Finally relenting at the pouting face looking up at him, he moved out of the way.

“Alright little storm cloud, you win.”

Kagome huffed at him, and he chuckled at her as he walked over to his desk, and picked up his headphones, grateful that the swelling crescendo of violins would soon be drowned out by the much more soothing sounds of screaming and gunfire from his paused game. He glanced back over to the TV as he sat down in front of his monitor.

“That guy looks constipated”, he commented. “How do you even watch this tripe?”

Kagome turned to glare at him over the back of the sofa, a cushion hugged to her stomach to help keep the hot water bottle in place.

“This is not tripe, and Don isn’t constipated!” she hissed. “He’s feeling! He’s in love with Kathy, but he has to act like he’s in love with Lina on screen”.

“That doesn’t mean he needs to torture me by singing and dancing about it”, Inuyasha muttered. “How are you meant to take any of this seriously, when they suddenly just burst into song about their innermost feelings? It’s utterly ridiculous. I don’t get how you can love musicals so much.”

“Is that what you really think?” she said quietly, the tone of her voice sounding brittle in comparison to the cheerful music playing in the background.

Inuyasha lowered his headphones, ears suddenly twitching with trepidation. He wasn’t always the best at reading a room, but he could definitely feel the tension in this one.

Their relationship was only new, but already Kagome seemed like a permanent fixture in his life. She was bubbly and kind, her tiny frame usually draped in the brightest coloured clothing she could find, and she always seemed to be singing or laughing. She reminded him sometimes of a sweet little canary, his own bright eyed and inquisitive songbird, with her happy go lucky mentality and readiness to try new things. She was everything he wasn’t.

They’d only met by chance, both of them stuck waiting in the Emergency Room at the local hospital, him waiting for his friend Miroku to get patched up after coming off his bike, and her waiting to get her wrist x-rayed after an accident with a set at the theatre where she worked. They’d chatted, or rather Kagome had, and he’d watched her, somehow mesmerised by this tiny human that was unruffled by his obviously hanyou features.

When Sango had appeared to pick up her bruised and scraped boyfriend, he’d decided to stay with Kagome, not liking the idea of leaving her there to wait all alone. Eventually she’d been x-rayed, poked and prodded, with Inuyasha tagging along at her request, finally triumphantly emerging from the hospital with her wrist strapped for a sprain. By then, the idea of her travelling home alone on public transport in the dark was abhorrent to him, so he’d driven her home. Somehow, she’d managed to get his number from him, and added herself into the paltry number of contacts on his phone.

When she’d texted a few days later to invite him out for a drink to say thank you, to his own surprise he’d eagerly accepted, and before he’d known it, they were inseparable. Early morning texts and late night phone conversations progressed to in person talks and late night kisses, until one night instead of accepting his reluctant good night, she’d launched herself at him and asked him to stay and take her to bed.

He’d hardly been able to look Kagome’s flatmate Shiori in the eye the next morning at breakfast, because they hadn’t exactly been discreet with the noise levels, with Kagome delighted to discover that youkai stamina extended to the bedroom. Shiori had teasingly remarked that his second task as Kagome’s boyfriend should be to buy her flatmate some decent earplugs. Kagome had found it hilarious, him, not so much.

Kagome now had two drawers in his dresser for clothes, a makeup bag and toothbrush in his bathroom, and an extra hook on the back of his door for her jacket. She hardly ever slept at her apartment now, only going back to do washing and visit Shiori.

It still shook him that Kagome actually cared for him, showed an interest in what he did. And the sex. They were starting to ease off a little now, but for the first few weeks, they were at it like rabbits, christening every room in his apartment, nearly every flat surface, and even some of the vertical ones. The sex was fucking amazing; she was so passionate, so eager, so utterly beautiful. It was like going from starvation rations to an all you could eat buffet, and he took full advantage of their mutual eagerness to explore each other’s bodies. He didn’t think he’d ever get enough of her.

But their relationship wasn’t just built just on that. They laughed with each other, teased each other, helped each other. He hardly knew the person he was becoming since he’d met Kagome, but the change was…good.

Even though it was early in the relationship, she’d already told him she loved him. At three months, this was the longest time he’d ever been with anyone and even though he was pretty sure he loved her too, he wasn’t quite comfortable saying that to her out loud yet. She understood. At least he’d done his best to try and show her how he felt, and she seemed happy with that. Miroku and Sango loved her too, and she’d slotted into their lives like she’d always been there. He’d never felt so happy.

But right now, the look she was giving him was not a happy one. She seemed almost on the verge of tears. Kagome had warned him early on that she did get emotional just before her period and that some months were worse than others. He’d felt a little embarrassed by her candid remark, never having been in a relationship long enough for that kind of information to be shared. But so far everything had been okay.

Today hadn’t been great though. She had been out of sorts ever since she’d woken up this morning, feeling exhausted, achy and irritable, and he’d done his best to not take anything she said to heart and try and do little things to comfort her, knowing it wasn’t really her talking but her hormones. She’d smelt a little different, even though she wasn’t bleeding yet, but nothing concerning.

But right now, she was beginning to worry him – her heart rate was speeding up and her scent hinted at extreme agitation, similar to a fight or flight response. This was new. Should he remind her that she’d told him she got emotional just before her period and that she needed to calm down? Some deep seated sense of self-preservation made him realise that wasn’t a good idea.  

“Kagome”, he said uncertainly, trying to work out what the safest approach was, not wanting to upset her even more. “Are you okay?”

“What if we’ve been fooling ourselves Inuyasha.”

“Huh?”

“I mean, look at us,” she said, gesturing from Inuyasha’s faded Soundgarden t-shirt and ripped black jeans to her heart patterned leggings and hot pink t-shirt which proudly proclaimed she was Fuelled by Theatre and Coffee. “We couldn’t be more different.”

“But”, spluttered Inuyasha, his heart suddenly beating faster at the dangerous direction the conversation was taking. “Different is good! Yes, we like different things, but that shouldn’t matter!” Kagome’s bottom lip quivered.

“It might not matter tomorrow, or next week, or the week after that, but sooner or later, it would. That’s what you said last night.” Her breathing was picking up now, ragged gasps with a scent of tears.

“What?!”

“You said it’s important to find someone who shares your goals and your interests and fits into your life.”

“Kagome, I was talking about my asshole brother, and how he and Kagura aren’t on the same page about having kids! I wasn’t talking about us!”

“You just said musicals are utterly ridiculous”, she burst out, standing suddenly and letting the cushion and hot water bottle fall to the floor with a sad flop. “And just in case you’ve forgotten Inuyasha, I am a stage manager for a theatre company. Which means by default that you think I’m ridiculous.” A fat tear rolled down her cheek, quickly followed by another, and her distress was the only thing stopping him from snarling that the only thing ridiculous was this conversation. This wasn’t like her at all, and he needed to keep calm.

“Hey, hey, c’mon, I never meant that”, said Inuyasha softly as he stood, trying his best to de-escalate the situation. “I know your job is important to you, and just how much you love it.” Kagome continued on as if she hadn’t heard him, her voice breaking as tears streamed down her cheeks.

“You’ve never once shown an interest in anything that I’ve done at work. Never come to any of the shows I’ve been involved in”, she sniffed, and Inuyasha’s heart sank, made heavy with sudden guilt.

That was true. Kagome had listened to him rant about his work as a software test analyst, had shown interest in the games he played when he relaxed, had even made a WOW character and tried going on a raid with him when it was clearly not her thing. But she’d thrown herself into it, just like everything else she did, laughing at herself when she made mistakes, just happy to spend time with him sharing something he loved. He hadn’t done anything like that for her, hadn’t even noticed. That needed to change.

Kagome began gathering her things in a haphazard fashion, stuffing them in her backpack.

“Baby, don’t”, he said, trying to reach out to hug her. “Don’t leave when you’re upset. I promise we’re going to be better – I’m going to get better. I’m still learning how to be good at this. Please?”

She dodged his outstretched arms. “Don’t baby me”, she hissed, her tone venomous. “Sometimes I wonder if you’re even trying to get to know me. Do you even care at all? Or are you just in this for the sex?”

Inuyasha looked stricken. “Kagome…” His arms dropped to his sides.

Her eyes widened at his broken expression, her hands shaking as she reached tentatively towards him, then pulled herself back.

“I... I can’t do this right now”, she sobbed, pushing herself away. “I’m going home!”

And then the door slammed, and Inuyasha was left standing in the middle of his apartment, the untouched plate of cookies, cooling hot chocolate and water bottle the only evidence that Kagome had been there.

A man danced happily on his TV in the background, splashing around in rain puddles like it was the best thing ever. He plonked himself down on his sofa and picked up the cushion that Kagome had been hugging only moments before, burying his nose in it.

“What the fuck?” he whispered into the pillow. “What the actual fuck?!”

He didn’t know how serious this was, but it felt bad. She’d only been gone for seconds and already his life felt emptier. He felt sick, like he was going to vomit. He needed to fix it and fast. Because there was no way that he was going to lose Kagome over something like this.

Part Two

[amydancepants-peralta]

prompt: jake being the sweet and caring husband he is when amy gets her period, sometime during trying/before ding dong

The first thing Jake notices is the empty tampon packaging in the trash can in their bathroom, the blue cardboard sticking out amongst the tissues as he discards the last of his contact solution.  

It’s presence doesn’t surprise him - it’s the same brand that Amy’s been using for years.  Cross referenced with the other brands with her typical Type-A regularity for value, availability and reliability; she will often conclude her findings with a satisfied grin, pleased with the knowledge that she is in fact still using the best available option on the market.  It’s packaging is a sight that’s as normal as all the rest, and having grown up with his mother and occasionally getting to the stage of regular stay-overs with various girlfriends over the years, Jake is no stranger to finding such things in the trash.

He’s been expecting it for days actually, which probably sounds odd but he’s known Amy for so long that he knows how to read the signs.  Breast tenderness was one - and she’d pulled away slightly from the hug he’d given her a couple of days ago, eyebrows knitting in silent discomfort as she’d readjusted her position in his arms before tucking her face into his neck, and it made him  realise that a few weeks had (somehow) already passed.  

(It had been a hug of commiseration, the latest negative test in what felt like an endless tally of negatives still clutched in her left hand as she wound her arms around his waist, and he knew that she’d been hoping that all the signs her body had been sending her way would be related to a brand new life growing inside her, instead of an indicator for the opposite.)

Another sign (and admittedly, the more obvious one) was the tiny red dot that Amy marks on their calendar each month - in the same location as the ones she marks on her planner - and in true Santiago style, it was right on time.  So the empty carton comes as no surprise - but if he was to be completely honest, there was still a tiny part of him that had held onto a sliver of hope that maybe, after they’d given up the rigid scheduling and just started trying to try, that maybe this time the test would be wrong, and they’d have finally gotten it right. 

But they hadn’t, and now her body has the receipts.  

He knows that Amy thinks it’s her that is failing them, and even though he makes the joke, he wishes that she’d acknowledge the likelihood of it being his.  After all, you only need to compare the difference between their genes to know which one of their bodies is way more likely to turn up for their duty on time and ready to go, and which is likely to be a few minutes (too) late.  Whether she can’t see it or simply doesn’t want to, Jake isn’t sure.  But he’d give anything to be able to make it easier.

Amy’s already in the process of swallowing two Advil at their kitchen sink when he walks in, and as she stretches forward to wash out her glass Jake wraps his left arm around her middle, pressing his chest against her back as he squeezes.  Letting out a soft hey, she leans into his touch, and even though Jake can feel the smile on her face when he presses a kiss to her cheek, he can hear the resignation in her voice.  He lowers his head to leave another kiss along the side of her neck, wrapping both arms around her middle and resting his forehead against her shoulder when her hands move to cover his.  She sighs, and slowly he nods.  

“You smell good,” she whispers to break the silence, and eventually Jake shifts his hands from her middle to their kitchen counter, giving her room to turn in place.  He catches her gaze when they’re finally face to face, finding all of the sadness that she’s trying so valiantly to mask, mirroring her response when she shrugs in a total loss for words.  Her hand moves to rest against his cheek, a touch that is so familiar but still feels so perfect every time she does it, and when he leans in for proper kiss all he can think is how he’d give her the world, if he only knew how.

“I’m just about to call my mom,” Amy mumbles, resting her hands on Jake’s waist and letting them linger as he begins to step back.  “I’ve been putting it off for days.”  It was something that used to be a lot more regular - until the conversation began to turn towards ovulation schedules and conception suggestions - and as the months went by it just became too difficult for Amy to hear how easy it was for others to do the one thing she was struggling so hard to get right.  

Jake nods, deciding in the interim to do a run to the nearest corner store and grab a few necessities.  (This phone call, he knew, was going to need space - and he rather give it to Amy before she needed to ask.)  

He can hear the hey, mom from their bedroom as he peels the list from it’s magnetic pad on the fridge, and blowing Amy a kiss even though he knows she’ll never see it from the kitchen he heads out, closing the door just loudly enough for her to know that he’s definitely gone.  

The Sampson’s Grocers is a relatively new addition to their neighbourhood, a family owned business that sits five and half blocks away from their apartment but always has the best produce.  The aisles are familiar to Jake, the layout remaining unchanged each time he comes here with Amy, and he grabs a basket from the door and begins filling it up as he moves through the store.

Because it was written by his wife, the list in his hand has been itemised according to aisle, and it takes him no time at all to gather all of the items, deciding to do a second lap just in case there’s something they’ve both forgotten to put down (and perhaps also to buy Amy and Camila just a little more time).

Because he loves his wife, he stops past the sanitary products in aisle seven, grabbing a twin pack of each level of absorbency and making a mental note to collect the chocolate she likes on the way back to the register. 

Because he believes in their future, he gathers another three packets of Amy’s favoured pregnancy test - the ones with the 99.9% certified accuracy - and places them in the basket next to the tampons.  

(And because they’re on sale, he grabs an extra packet of sour gummy worms that may or may not end up making it all the way home.)

Normally, for the first few days of her period Amy would be seeking all of her favourites - warm blankets, hot chocolate, takeout and a marathon run of old Jeopardy episodes, all in no particular order.  Long since mastering the art of filing up water bottles with one hand while ordering takeout online with the other, Jake hesitates outside their favourite Thai restaurant before deciding to forgo.  

(These past few months have been different, and he has the strongest instinct that today is going to be the same.)

She’s on the couch with a blanket covering her feet by the time he walks in the door, eco-friendly bags hanging in his left hand as he closes the door with his right, and gives him a soft smile as he heads towards the kitchen to put everything away.  Her positioning leads Jake to think that the pain relief has kicked in but he still moves quickly, eager to return to Amy (it is their day off together, after all), and as he’s finishing up he calls out if she needs anything.

“No.  Just you.”  Comes her reply, and maybe there’s still a couple of items left on the counter, but clearly out of the two options (out of ANY two options, really), Amy is going to be his priority, and he makes a beeline straight to the living room, capturing her smile and storing it away in his heart with all of the others when he gets there.  Grabbing his left hand, Amy pulls it towards her and leaves a kiss against his palm, and when Jake shuffles along the couch to move closer she snuggles into his side, resting her head against his shoulder like that is it’s second home (which, to be fair, it kind of is). 

Amy’s hand slides around his waist, toying with the belt loops of his jeans, and after a pause she glances up.  “My mom suggested a hormonal assistance program I could start taking that .. actually sounds kinda promising.  I’m going to call my doctor tomorrow and see what she thinks.”

He nods, running his right hand along her forearm.  “That sounds like a great idea, babe.”  She nods into his hoodie, and when the silence stretches out he continues.  “Do you want me to get you a hot water bottle or anything?”

Her grip around his waist tightens, as though Jake’s sentence alone was enough of a threat for her, and shakes her head before tucking her nose into his neck.  “No.  Just you.”  

He nods again, resting his head against hers as she takes in a deep breath.  This has been the change in recent months, now that the beginning of her period doesn’t just mean persistent aches from all the cramping and no chance of sex for five to seven days.  Now, it told her that even though they’d tried their hardest - and then for a little while, didn’t officially ‘try’ at all - that despite her best efforts, nothing had worked, and they (she) had failed again.  Now, the pain wasn’t just from the contracting muscles in her uterine walls (he’s read a lot about conception and biology in the last six months); now, the pain is compounded by the confirmation that once again, there would be no mini Peralta-Santiago arriving in nine months time.  

She asks him if he thinks everything is going to work out; her voice so soft you almost wouldn’t hear it (but he hears her, even when she thinks he doesn’t), and he nods, shifting to press a kiss to her forehead to seal the promise.  There’s no way for him to know for sure - and he’s well aware that as time presses on things will only get harder - but he believes in them with every fibre of his being, and if there was anybody that could come out of this battle a winner, it is Amy Santiago.  

So he tells her yes, tells her that he loves her and that everything will be okay, and because she loves him her body relaxes against his, knees curling up until they’re resting just along the outside of his thigh.

“You know, I could actually kinda go for some chocolate,” she mumbles, twisting her neck until her cheek is resting against his chest, and Jake smiles in victory because he knew this was coming.

“Ask and you shall receive, my darling wife.”  His left hand disappears from her thigh, reaching into the pocket of his hoodie and grinning brightly as he reveals a family sized block of her favourite - thankfully unmelted due to the slightly cooler weather outside - and her eyes light up in glee.  She gives him a chocolate flavoured kiss a few minutes later, telling her she loves him with her actions just as much as her words, and honestly, all of world’s problems could probably be solved by a little chocolate. 

It will only be a few more weeks before there will be no need for the recently purchased packets of tampons, and they will get stashed away to the back of the cupboard for their eventual need in nine or ten months time, but for now the day passes with the two of them stretched out on the couch.

There is so much proof of their love within these four walls, and the greatest proof of all is yet to come, but for now all they need is a couple of Advil, a block of chocolate, and the arms of the one you love.  

[meditationnearme]

Is This Crazy New Treatment The Cure To Your Insomnia? - how do you reduce stress

NuCalm promotes itself as neuroscience-backed tension and sleep technology. In practice, though, it simply helped me nap. I recently awakened from a delightful 20-minute nap. Really, it was more of a 10-minute half-nap half-trance, preceded by ideas of what I required to accomplish today that slowly liquified into the types of non-sequitur visions that take place because earliest phase of sleep.

In some way, this was rejuvenating. For the last week, I have actually been checking out the NuCalm system. According to its website, NuCalm is "the world's only trademarked neuroscience innovation clinically shown to deal with stress and improve sleep quality without drugs." It includes a neuroacoustic software application app utilized for 20- to 120-minute increments, an eye mask and the abovementioned processing discs, and in practice includes listening to ambient, cinematic sounds (comparable to this) with your eyes closed and a sticker label stuck to your inner arm.

Each of the elements are designed to set off the body's parasympathetic nervous system, which aids with recovery and relaxation. The disc is created to launch gamma-aminobutyric acid, a neurotransmitter that inhibits cortisol and adrenaline. With this and the app, NuCalm halts your body's tension action and therefore the mental and physical toll tension can handle the body.

military, 49 sports teams and in over a million surgical treatments. Some dental offices even utilize it for clients who hesitate of the dental expert. NuCalm's 'bio-signal processing disc' Although the product is touted as a way of possibly healing the body from injury, addiction and physical concerns, it appears predominately useful for relaxation and anxiety.

By this procedure, my use of NuCalm was a success: After my 20-minute session this afternoon, I certainly felt far more refreshed and awake. While a few of my sessions kept me conscious the whole time, I at least felt a bit more relaxed than previously. At the start, I 'd believed I was supposed to treat the session like a meditation, preventing letting my ideas roam.

Why I was so focused upon events of this age during my session is a secret to me, but regardless, I think I still dropped off to sleep for about five minutes. Unusually enough, a FAQ section of the app states that memory recollection is a typical characteristic of "theta brainwave variety," and that recalling memories in this phase allows you to dissociate negative feelings from them.

Overall, NuCalm did enable me to take best little afternoon naps in a structured method. I am decent at sleeping as it is, but I do believe something about NuCalm, whether it be the discs or the noises or the timer, made those naps more effective than usual. One glaring problem with NuCalm, nevertheless, is its rate.

Perhaps as I keep utilizing it, I'll find that this is a totally reasonable expense for the advantage of much better relaxation, health and sleep. At this moment, however, I 'd pay possibly $10 a month. The app likewise requires some major upgrading, as it presently only uses 3 various session types (recharge, reboot and rescue) at differing lengths and with a rather cumbersome layout.

Instead, it feels rudimentary, with lesser parts of the app like the post-session debriefing FAQ totally nonfunctional. I have actually taken some fantastic naps this last week, and I'll keep utilizing NuCalm for this function. It's a nearly simple and easy way of fitting 20 minutes of pure relaxation into my day. Whether those bio-signalling dics do anything, I'm still suspicious in addition to a cleaner app, I 'd need to get a bit more trust in the science to pay $60 a month.

Magdalene Taylor is a junior staff writer at MEL, where she began working two weeks after finishing college. Her work is a mix of cultural analysis and service, covering whatever from reconsiderations of low-brow hits like Joe Dirt and Nickelback to modern disability issues, OnlyFans and the kinds of small concerns about life like why baby carrots are so wet.

According to the company, thirty minutes of NuCalm is equal to 2 to 3 hours of corrective sleep. The NuCalm website boasts that the de-stressing treatment takes simply 2 minutes to administer and less than 5 minutes to accomplish its effects, making it the extremely meaning of a quick repair.

With its sleek website and claims of high-tech, borderline-magic outcomes, I half expected my NuCalm experience to occur in the literal future or, at really least, a center that reeked of sci-fi vibes. I believe I was imagining a workplace that looked like the ship from Passengers and a large set-up reminiscent of the memory-implanting tech from Total Remember or possibly even a coffin-like pod directly out of The Fifth Component.

My NuCalm treatment was not administered on the set of a motion picture, but it also wasn't administered in a dental expert's workplace. On the early morning of my visit, I drove across Los Angeles to Santa Monica to the workplaces of an authentic medical professional to the stars, whose Hollywood customers includes starlets, authors and motivational masters, and who boasts know-how in energy medication, integrative medication and bioidentical hormone replacement treatment.

Rather, my NuCalm experience began in a (actively) dimly lit waiting room that looked more like the living-room of an eccentric, well-traveled college professor than a medical center. The doctor was fashionably late not with another patient, simply in getting to the office. While the tardiness might usually have actually frustrated me, here, it appeared like part of the experience, almost like a sneak peek of the outcomes of the high-tech treatment that awaited me.

Throughout a quick consultation, the physician discussed the NuCalm procedure and summarized the science behind it (more on that later). The gist of the system, I learned, was this: I would chew a tablet of gamma-Aminobutyric acid, or -aminobutyric acid (or GABA, for short), a repressive neurotransmitter suggested to decrease activity in my nerve system.

I would listen, through headphones, to binaural beat music music with two various balanced pulses that activates Alpha and Theta brain waves, which are connected with the very first stage of deep sleep and meditation. Likewise, I would be blindfolded. And, in Doc Hollywood's workplace, I would do all of this while lying on a waterbed although the waterbed, I learned, is not a standard or needed element of the treatment.

I was led to a small exam space (or, possibly, a large closet), where I was offered a big GABA tablet and told to chew but not swallow it while the medical professional marked time the binaural beats and connected the Biosignal Processing Disc to my wrist. Lastly, after what seemed like a much longer duration of time than it possibly could have been, I was informed to swallow the GABA vitamin sludge, which had the artificially sweet, fruity taste and distinctly milky taste and texture of Flinstones vitamins that are a couple of months past their expiration date.

The NuCalm treatment itself was completely pleasant. The music was calming but interesting (I've since registered for a binaural beats playlist on Spotify bless the web). The milky, orange-adjacent taste of the GABA tablet didn't remain in a particularly noticeable way. And the waterbed was warmed, that made for a relaxing place to lie down and rest.

What am I doing incorrect? Why don't I feel calm? If science can't make me chill TF out, am I just a lost cause? Perhaps if I do a body scan, I'll be able to feel the results. That's a good concept. I'm going to do a body scan. This will resemble mindfulness on steroids orange-flavored, healthy steroids.

I am broken. I was wrong. It was not practically over. Maybe it's the kind of thing you can't feel in the moment, however I'll observe a substantial distinction when it's over. I have a lot work to do. Stop thinking of work and being stressed. That beats the entire purpose.

I asked how typically he advised that individuals come in for NuCalm treatments and he stated that it differs, but that some individuals "need it daily." I couldn't help however think, based on my experience and the lack of concrete outcomes, that that appeared excessive. He handed me some research study further discussing the science behind NuCalm prior to rushing off to his next appointment, and I left sensation disappointed and a little anxious about my failure to feel less distressed through the treatment.

For the record, it's not. I discovered the experience to be a little New Age-y in practice, however the system really is based in science. Drawing from neuroscience research into the patterns the brain goes through throughout natural periods of relaxation, every component of NuCalm is created to simulate that process and prompt a stressed brain to switch gears to a more relaxed state.

NuCalm works specifically on the body's inhibitory system, the GABAergic system. This gadget is bio-mimetic in that it resets the naturally taking place negative feedback loop of the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, which when properly functioning is expected to shut down and stop releasing cortisol from the adrenal glands after the end of a stressful occasion.

Individuals in this state are physically not able to have a distressed reaction. Within moments of application, users will start to feel remedy for the 'fight-or-flight' considerate nervous system action and their tension hormonal agent (cortisol) levels will start to decline as the HPA axis is hindered." Here's a quick breakdown of the science behind each phase of the NuCalm process.

It's really the primary repressive neurotransmitter system in brain circuits. Gamma-Aminobutyric Acid is a relaxation neurotransmitter that the body produces naturally when we're preparing yourself to sleep, so the strategy of utilizing GABA supplements to signify the brain that it's time to relax makes good sense. What's not completely clear, nevertheless, is how effective oral GABA supplements remain in triggering those advantages.

While some studies have actually revealed that GABA can cross the blood-brain barrier, others have shown the opposite, suggesting a possible placebo result behind perceived benefits of the supplements. Researchers agree that more research is needed to figure out how useful GABA supplements really are. According to NuCalm's website, the disc "simplifies the process of triggering the parasympathetic worried system, by tapping into the body's Pericardium Meridian with specific electromagnetic (EM) frequencies." The disc (which, again, was a round sticker, about the size of a quarter, that was used to the within of my wrist) was, undoubtedly, my greatest source of apprehension at the same time, and NuCalm's official explanation of the science behind it highlights the most Brand-new Age-y vibes of the company.

It is hypothesized that if you can restore the frequencies that take a trip through the Meridians you can reinstate ideal physiology. Each NuCalm disc holds the EM frequency patterns of GABA and its precursors to provide a pure biological signal to your body. When put on the within your left wrist, at your Pericardium-6 acupuncture point, the disc sends a signal to the pericardium of your heart to trigger regional parasympathetic nerve fibers, which then transfer the signal to your brain telling it to increase vagal nerve output and start the process of decreasing the body.

In 2017, Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP promoted a $120 brand name of bio-frequency stickers, leading to a short-lived viral moment for the tech. Sadly for proponents of the devices, the action wasn't fantastic, with Mark Shelhamer, previous chief scientist at NASA's human research division, significantly decrying the GOOP-endorsed product as "snake oil." Although the NuCalm site describes that "each disc holds the electromagnetic frequency patterns of GABA and its precursors to provide a pure biosignal to your body," it's unclear exactly how putting the sticker on your wrist sets off that shipment.

[rebelcap]

We are not just friends —Part 12

Chris Evans x bi!latina!character (Sofia is a people of color, she's brown.)

Chris and Sofia meet when their best friends started dating, it all started at friends with loads of bumps on the road.  

Warnings: drinking, smoking, drug use (weed), assault, Chris being Steve Rogers, commitment issues, my girl Sofia kinda messy, lots of fucking (eventually) 

This is slow burn at its best, at least emotionally. 

Series masterlist

"You know friends with benefits never work, don't you?" Amanda told Sofia as she rolled her eyes and sigh.

"I don't wanna be his girlfriend," Sofia shrugged, setting her phone in silence as the Twitter and Instagram notifications kept coming. Apparently, people found out who she was and they were blowing up her phone. Obviously, she didn't acknowledge it.

"Says no woman ever,"

"I know, but—look," Sofia sighed again and sat straighter on the couch facing her friend, she looked around because they were in Amanda's parent's house about to lunch. "He's the first queer, nonwhite, Latina, immigrant woman he ever wanted to date, I mean look at all of his exes."

"Okay, he's definitely into brunettes and white,"

"Yes, there's a part of me that's thinking that maybe he's…" Sofia tried to think of a subtle way to say it. "experimenting, and there's going to be nowhere and that left me high and dry when he realized that he's not that into me that much."

"Have you asked him?"

"No," She answered and Mandy just looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "He's going to say that's not true."

"Because it's not. Why does it seems like I know him more than you do, he never said anything remotely like that." She now rolled her eyes at her. "This is you sabotaging yourself, as usual."

"No, it's me trying to protect myself. I don't wanna fall in love with him and shit,"

"Again, talk with him. I'm sure he'll compromise with you at some level,"

"He's away all the time and I hate flying, I hate LA,"

"Oh my God,"

"I'm going to get all weird seeing him kissing other people," Sofia explained. "and he's going to think I'm an insecure, immature little girl that can't handle that." Sofia pouts and crosses her arms.

"Sofia," Her friend scoot closer on the couch and looked at her. "I heard you, about everything and I'm not trying to invalidate how you feel about it, but you need to communicate if you what this to work out for you."

"I'm scared Mandy, because I really like him," Her eyes got all glossy. "I know he's a good man but I'm scared shitless. I can't physically take another loss. You know how hard it was for me to leave my ex, just because of that and it got so fucking ugly on the end."

"I know, I was there," She said and her bottom lip tremble. " crying with you non stop for two years, I know but you know she's a piece of shit and took advantage of you because you were in a very vulnerable position."

"Yeah, I know," Sofia wipe her tears with the back of her hand and sighed, "Stop crying, you're making me cry,"

"I just want you to be happy, you're my best friend I love you so much," Amanda was full-blown sobbing hysterically as Sofia was holding her and chucking. "Capitan America wants to be your boyfriend stupid bitch," She kept sobbing and Sofia laughed.

"I know, I'm just emotional and I'm about to get my period, hormones."

"Your period?" Amanda asked separating and looked at her, pensively. "wait, what date is today?"

"It's the fourteen,"

"Oh,"

Sofia sat down straighter and give her a look. "Are you late?"

"Yeah," Amanda said looking down at her stomach. "Like, three weeks late."

Sofia looked at her belly and mutter. "Jesus, Maria y Jose."

"Holy shit." Amanda blinked a few times and they stare at each other for a full minute.

"Your dad it's going to fucking kill Luke."

~~~~

It's been around a week and a handful of days since the last time Sofia saw Chris, he was already in town since last night but he slept on his mom's house.

Also, Amanda was fucking pregnant.

You up?

She texted Chris at two am. Of course, he wasn't because he was an old man.

I gotta tell u something.

It's important and I need to tell someone I'm really bad at secrets, I just can't.

But you can't tell

I'll literally kill u,

And I'm getting away with it because I know too much about murder men, it's insane.

I'm up, I'm up. I'm watching a movie with Scott, he says hi and also wants to meet u and plot murder.

Also, what's the juicy secret?

Amanda is pregnant and your brother is way handsome than you.

Chris was calling almost immediately.

"Excuse me?"

"Amanda is having a baby,"

"No, about Scott being handsome than me," He asked and Sofia let out the loudest laugh, God she needed that.

"Oh my God, you're an idiot," She laughed. "I miss your face."

" I miss you, too." He laughed.

"Is Scott there?, we follow each other on Twitter and made fun of you."

"You two what," He asked and she could hear Scott laughing on the background. "You made fun of me with my girl?"

"Yeah, I slide in her DMS." Scott laughed and Chris was red as a tomato.

"Dude," He said and Sofia heard a lot of ow's and she laughed. "And about the other things, what the fuck?"

"Yes, I'm freaking out. Mandy's at Luke's house now but I don't know, she didn't text me. I can't sleep," She groaned and Chris stood quiet for a moment.

"Want me to come over?"

"Please?"

~~~

"Oh, hi," Sofia exclaimed as soon she opened the door, Chris grabbed her face and plant a quick kiss.

"Hi," He smiles, still cupping her face. "Hello," Chris kissed her again making her laugh.

"You dork," She said as she took his hand and took it to the kitchen, "Want something? I'm about to stress bake."

Chris laughed while he sat on the high chairs. "Mandy didn't text u?"

"No, dude. I'm freaking out, I know Luke it's the sweetest," She said giving her back to Chris as she measures some flour.

"He's going to be over the moon, I'm not supposed to tell you this but he's been thinking about proposing,".

Sofía was taken aback for a moment there but a huge smile, she turned around and look at him.

"Are our best friends getting married and having a kid?"

Chris laughed and nod, "Yeah, guess so?"

"Yeah," She smiles. "So weird," She turned around and Chris walked up to her, leaning on the counter beside her.

"Why?"

"Don't know, I'm happy don't get me wrong, I just. It's weird for me because it's," She stumbles over her words a little. "it's the first time I'm seeing this going right for someone I deeply care about."

Chris made a face and she laughed.

"I have really shitty examples on my life," She went again to her baking. "My mom and dad fought a lot, they had to get married because they were having my brother—

"Wait, you have a brother?," He asked, surprised. "You never mentioned him."

"We don't really speak, well I don't speak to him,"

"Why?"

Sofía pursed her lips together and give Chris a look, she didn't want him to think less of him or him judging her about what went down.

"Can we skip that part?"

Chris quickly nod, "Yeah, of course," He said putting a hand on her shoulder. "whenever you're ready,"

"Okay," She nod too and remained silent. "it's just, I'm sorry." Sofia took a deep breath and wipe a tear. "I've never had a normal family dynamics until I've meet Mandy's family and a still feel so out of place sometimes, it's weird—" She chuckles. "I'm weird."

"It's not weird, you're not weird. I've gathered that you went through some shit that no kid should go through," Chris said and Sofia stopped moving and looked at the bowl in front of her. "things that obviously hurt you still."

"Stop." She told him trying not to cry and took another deep breath trying to pass the lump on her throat but her lower lip was trembling.

"Hey, hey," Chris grabbed her and hugged her, but she pushed him away and went back to the counter.

"You like muffins?" She asked in a small voice and Chris just stare at her, he just shut him out on whatever it's going up with her. "Do you?"

"Yeah, yes. Are you okay?"

"Yeah," She nod.

Sofía was feeling like an idiot, she didn't want to be crying on his arm about her shitty life, to someone that obviously couldn't relate because he also had the perfect family, the perfect brothers. His fucking life was perfect. She didn't want him to see her like a wounded little girl.

"Sofia?"

"Just drop it, forget about it." She said going to the fridge and grabbed some milk.

"What? come on baby, you know you can talk about me about anything," Chris told her and she just chuckles. "Is this funny to you?"

"I can't talk to you about everything, there's a lot of things we can't relate to Chris." She quickly answered him.

"I know that, but I can listen. You can open up with me for fuck's sake," Chris said frustrated and Sofia sigh. "You're always shutting me out when we even slightly touch a subject you don't like, I've known you for like almost two years and I right now found out you have a brother. You know everything about me, you know my fucking whole family,"

"Yeah, and now you're now throwing it back at my face."

"I'm not throwing it back at your face, you can tell me anything, Sofia." He said and she shook her head.

"Why do you wanna know so bad? I'm just some girl you're fucking." She asked him and Chris was taken aback.

"You're not—is that what you think of me?, that I'm so guy you're fucking?"

"Are you not?" She asked nonchalantly and Chris lost his shit.

"Woow, that's how it is?, like I'm nothing to you." He said taking a step back.

"Why the fuck are you pushing this so much? what are you gonna do? I don't want your fucking pity and I don't fucking need you either." She was spitting venom at him, feeling attacked at everything he was doing.

"You're being a fucking asshole right now," He told her and Sofia rolled her eyes. "I just wanna know my fucking girlfriend."

"I'm most definitely not your girlfriend, I won't ever be your girlfriend" She answered and Chris just stared at her, feeling hurt.

"You know what, fuck you," he muttered angrily and turned around, nervous.

"There we go, pretty Chris don't get what he wants and he lashes out," She mumbled and pointed at him. "And now you leave,"

Chris rubbed his beard and grabbed his phone. "When you want talk this shit out, let me know. I'll be staying two more days and then I'm back in LA, you know I'm leaving for three months. Because I tell you all the shit I do," He pointed out again and Sofia just shrugged.

"Whatever, you know where the door is." She didn't even look at him, Chris was fuming. Sofía flinch when she heard the door shut.

~~~

Well, shit.

Tag list:

@smediumsmeatbae

@lunaticbarnes

@firstangeldragonranch

@lovepeacefood

@thegirlwithpaperheart

[crazybagelbitch]

Bailey universe. Maddie gets pregnant early on in the relationship and when she tells Chim, he immediately does the math to try and work out if the baby is even his

She hadn’t caught on to it at first.

She felt tired and rundown and emotional sure, but poor Bailey had been so sick and she’d been nervous about the surgery Bailey had scheduled for next week and her daughter’s very reasonable fears about it.

But then all it took was one stray thought, one thought about how she felt like she did when Bailey was in her belly and she realized her period was late. Only three days, but still, another baby was a possibility.

She means to find out for certain first, to sneak out under the guise of getting Bailey more ice cream but when Chimney, wonderful, caring, concerned Chimney who has been helping care for Bailey as if she were his own, slips out of her daughter’s room after she falls sleep she just blurts it out.

“I think I might be pregnant.”

“What?” is his immediate response, and she almost wants to roll her eyes because she’s pretty sure he heard her word for word, but she takes a deep calming breath because she’s been thinking about this all day and she had just hurled the (possible) news at Chimney and of course he’d need a moment to process.

“I said I think I might be pregnant. My period is late-- only a few days, but I feel like I did when I was pregnant with Bailey.”

He’s quiet for a long moment, his face anxious and thoughtful and then almost... confused? She’s trying to work out what sort of reaction he’s having as she also tries to remain patient, because of course this is a major shock and he had no idea this was coming but every second that he doesn’t say something is another second that she’s imagining a whole host of worst case scenarios.

“You’re pregnant?”

“Maybe. I-I don’t know for sure yet. Have to go buy a test.”

“We’ve only been together for...” 

Sure, it’s a surprise, but he knows how biology works so she’s surprised at his confusion and uncertainty until... oh.

“Wait, you think it’s Tom’s?”

“I didn’t say that,” he stammers, nervous in a way that lets her know that her observation is right on the money.

“He and I were only back together for two fucking days Chim, and we didn’t even have sex. It’s your baby, why would you even for a fucking second think that--”

“Hey, you got back together with him. I didn’t know what you two did or didn’t do, okay,” he tries to defend himself, and on some level she knows it’s fair but she’s so full of anger and hurt and possibly hormones that she’s not going to back down.

“What, you’d think I’d carelessly make another baby with that man? After all that he put me and Bailey through? You really think that low of me?”

“No, no, Maddie, I don’t think low of you at all,” he says quickly, opening up his mouth to speak some more but she’s not having it.

“Uh, apparently you do, because your mind went right to the it might be my deadbeat ex’s baby place.”

“Listen, Maddie, I love you, you know that-- but you took him back! And it’s only been a few weeks and I believe you, I believe that it’s mine but you took him back and the timeline is all so quick and I don’t think it’s fair for you to hate me--”

“Oh, I don’t care what you think because it’s completely fair to hate you in my eyes.”

“So you hate me now? Great.”

“Why aren’t you apologizing?”

“I’m sorry,” he sighs, “I am, but I don’t think it’s all that unreasonable--”

“It is.”

“Maddie--”

“Get out.”

“Please don’t. I get that you’re mad but I told Bailey that when she woke up I’d--”

“I said get out!”

“Maddie--”

“Get out of my fucking house.”

He stares at her for a few moments, face full of hurt and eyes full of tears before he shakes his head, storming out of her apartment like Tom had the day before.

Mad as she is, she knows it’s not entirely fair and that Chimney is right, the timeline was quick and she did take her ex back so... it’s not evil of him to wonder if maybe this potential child was Tom’s.

But after all that she’s been through with that man, the implication that she’d make another baby with him, even if it was on accident... it just hurts, badly, even if she knows she shouldn’t have just thrown Chimney out of her house for a question that’s only logical.

She misses him, upset as she is she misses him the second she hears him drive away because she loves him and Bailey loves him and there’s a good chance they’re having a baby and she knows she’s hurt his feelings too.

She almost picks up her phone, almost.

She needs it to just be her and Bailey tonight.

[xixxvxx]

eleven weeks on testosterone

i was moving the week before last and didn’t have wifi from january 30th through february 7th, so unfortunately i couldn’t make a post for my ten week milestone, and this post is still four days late because my fatigue has been kicking my ass. sigh... it’ll just have to do

nsfw text and talk of menstruation under the cut

hair and skin:

my acne has been a lot less proliferous—i’ve been a little lazy about washing my face the past couple of weeks since i’ve had so much going on but i still haven’t noticed that much new acne, only a few spots here and there

i felt like new terminal hair growth was a little slower around my ninth/tenth week marks, but then i noticed some new hairs on my cheeks, chest, belly, and legs just a couple of days ago. my mustache in particular has also filled out a lot

body:

my voice is not cracking much right now. to my ears it’s seemed pretty stable for the past couple of weeks, though my partner has told me it sounds like it’s continually dropping to them. i am again feeling the tickling/irritation in my throat that preceded my first major voice drop, so maybe another is in my near future

this is super specific but in terms of fat redistribution i noticed recently that my mons pubis is way flatter. in general i feel like i’m noticing the fat on my body moving towards the front/center of my belly and away from most other areas

i’ve been so... so... hungry... it’s almost scary sometimes. i’ve said this in a previous post but i really must be eating two or three times as much food as i used to in a day. i don’t know where it goes. i don’t really seem to be gaining or losing weight outside of gradual muscle development

reproductive:

very aware lately of how much bottom growth i’ve seen—without getting too descriptive i think i’m about twice as big as i was pre-T

my sex drive has generally fluctuated alongside my fatigue and was notably a little lower during my ninth/tenth week but has felt a bit higher again this week—both in the sense of general physical arousal and in the sense that i feel more actively attracted to other people lately

the period i’d expected to have in january never came. it’s been over eight weeks since i got the first and only period i’ve had while on T. i am wondering if it’s safe to assume i’ve stopped menstruating—it’s hard to say because, as i’ve mentioned before, my cycle was always irregular to begin with

mood, energy, etc:

emotionally i’ve been a little all over the place lately, feeling some very high highs and low lows, though i think that could be due to changes in my life circumstances as much as it could be due to the hormones

noticing that i cry a little less than i did pre-T, which is not saying much because i used to cry at the drop of a hat

continuing to deal with spikes of irritation now and again, which are still very manageable

i’ve had some persistent low-level psychotic symptoms for the past couple of weeks, mostly minor visual/auditory disruptions, nothing too intense/out of the ordinary for me

i’ve been dealing with some pretty intense fatigue/brain fog/disorientation as of late but i did just move house while dealing with the worst chronic illness flare i’ve had in months so it’s probably that more than anything

[itisannak]

Unexpected (Ashton Irwin Angst/Fluff)

Summary: (Y/N) finds out she is pregnant after her breakup with Ashton. Based on Angst Prompt #35: "About the baby... It's yours." (Request) (Words: 4.6k) ( Part 2 ) (Warning: While editing this, I started crying in the last paragraph, so, brace yourselves.) 

"Check the boxes that correspond to your symptoms and the doctor will call you in shortly." The nurse instructs me, handing me a form and a pen. I gulp thickly, trying to get rid of the lump that has nestled on my throat, while my hand shakily tries to grip on the little clipboard. She smiles at me before leaving, letting me drown in the silence around the waiting room. No one is here, and my mind is divided on whether or not this is a good or bad thing.

I scan the list quickly, my eyes refusing to focus on one item. My palms feel sweaty, damp, and warm as my head feels heavy and dizzy. 'When was your last period' 'Are you experiencing fatigue' 'Are you experiencing dizziness'' Are you experiencing any irregular food aversions' 'Are you experiencing cramping'... The list feels like it goes on forever; my body is trembling, this is so wrong...

The door opens and inside walks a couple; the woman looks around 4 months pregnant, cradling her belly as the man helps her sit comfortably on the chair. They both look happy, smiling at each other as their hands stroke the protruding bump. Definitely, the empty room was better.

"Mrs. (Y/L/N)?" The nurse announces, motioning me to walk inside the office. I hand her the form, which she puts along with some other papers in my file, and then hands it to the doctor who is sitting behind the desk. I sit on the armchair in front of the desk and stare at my hands as the doctor looks at my labs and checklist. "Well, from what I have in front of me, it looks like you are pregnant, Mrs. (Y/L/N). Your hCG is on the same levels as a third-month pregnancy. And your last period seems to fit. I would like to perform an ultrasound to make sure that we are facing pregnancy and not something serious." The doctor says to me. I tense up, feeling like someone is spilling cold water on my spine. "Are... are you sure that my results are correct? Maybe there was a mix-up..." I ask, digging my nails in my palm. The doctor looks at me in a way that shows she is trying to be compassionate but does not spark any feelings of it inside me. "We will confirm it with an ultrasound. But it is very unlikely to be wrong, based on your labs and symptoms." She replies. "Can we do it now?" I ask, composing myself together. "If it is what you want, yes." She assures me. I nod my head, closing my eyes and praying for all of this to be a joke.

The nurse hands me a paper gown and walks me to the examination room, prompting me to change as she walks out. I am left alone for barely 2 minutes, but to me, it felt like a century until the doctor walks in. "Are you ready?" She asks me as I lay on the examination table. "Yes." I simply reply as she preps the machine. "I am going to go transvaginally, to gain a better, clearer picture. You will feel some pressure but it will go away very soon. Spread your legs a little more for me." She instructs me, helping me scoot a little closer to her. "Take a deep breath." She prompts me, breathing along with me. I hold my breath while she does everything, waiting for her to tell me whether she was wrong or not. "There it is. And we have a heartbeat. Would you like to hear it?" She asks me. I feel tears brimming in my eyes, threatening to spill. I hesitate between my options, the news falling heavy on my shoulders. "Can you tell me how far along I am?" I ask and she nods. "Looks like 13 weeks." She replies. "I would like to hear the heartbeat." I reply, closing my eyes and covering them with my hand. The loud thud echoes in the walls, filling the room with it. Some part of me feels happy, screaming excitedly at the sound of my fetus's heart. "Is it... Is it healthy?" I ask. "Normal measurements, strong heartbeat. I would say yes." She replies. "I will give you a minute to process this and see you in my office." She states, getting up and walking out.

I gather my thoughts together, along with all the courage I have in me as I take the steps to the office. "So, I would like to talk to you about your options. First, you can..." She begins but I stop her. "I know my options, doctor. I wanna carry this baby." I state weakly. I can't believe I am saying those words until they are actually out of my mouth. "In that case, I would like to give you some prenatal vitamins, to make sure you and your baby continue to have a normal pregnancy. This far, everything looks good, and I would like to keep it that way. I want to see you again on week 17 for the next check. Do you have any diseases that we should worry about? Any family history that could be hereditary?" She asks me. "None that I know of." I reply. "Father's side?" She asks me. I feel like I have been punched in the gut, stomach twisting as I think of him. "No." I utter and she nods her head. "Great. You take your vitamins, avoid non-pasteurized foods, raw meat, or fish, take plenty of rest. If you drink or smoke you should consider cutting it. No heavy exercise, no activities that wear you down. On the next visit, we will draw some blood and urine, and then have an ultrasound to see if everything is going smoothly. If anything happens to you, you call me, no matter what time it is. Any questions?" She asks me. I feel overwhelmed with information, head buzzing already. "Can I have a picture of the ultrasound?" I ask and she chuckles. "Of course."

I lay on my couch, barely keeping my eyes open now; I've gotten heavy, moving has become a struggle and I am getting tired just by walking from my bed to my couch. All nausea that I skipped on the first few weeks is coming to me now, punching me in the gut all day long; the person who named it morning sickness was a fucking moron. "Can you at least start kicking? Or moving? It's the fun part..." I protest, poking around my stomach. In just a couple of weeks, I have developed a bump, nothing big, but surely it makes my clothes feel tighter. The doorbell ringing makes me groan, knowing that I will have to abandon my comfort, which I have just found, to open the door. I drag my feet along the floor, fixing my top to cover my belly, making the material stretch over the protruding stomach.

I open the door, finding Calum behind it. I stare at him shocked, eyes quickly landing on my stomach to meet his gaze. He stares with his mouth open, eyes going wide. I simply gesture him to come in, which he does, letting me shut the door behind him. "Ashton wanted me to come over and look for some clothes he has left here, said he needs them back." He says after a moment of complete silence. "Yeah, I have them in a tote for you. Let me get it..." I reply, walking to my closet and picking up the bag with my ex's clothes.

"How long?" He asks me. I don't even bother asking him what he is talking about or playing it dumb. "15 weeks..." I reply, not looking at him. "Does he know? Is that the reason you broke up?" He asks. "Calum..." I sigh and he shakes his head no. "He doesn't talk about it. And you haven't been around a while. Just tell me, I am still your friend." He almost demands. I stare at him, breathing in as I try to calm myself. "He doesn't know. I found out just 2 weeks ago. It's too late for us and I decided to keep it, raise it myself. And that's my final decision." I shake as I let out the words, a shiver running down my body as I feel my eyes brimming; stupid hormones. "2 weeks ago? How did you miss that?" He asks me. "Calum, I was sad. I didn't know what was normal function and whatnot. Can we fucking stop this conversation? I've had enough self-pity to last me the rest of my pregnancy." I snap. Calum stares at me shocked; I've never talked to anyone like that before. "Right. Are you both ok?" He asks me, softening as he speaks. "We are. Well, I am nauseous and tired, but the baby was fine last time we had a check-up." I sit on the couch, feeling like I am getting tired every second I stay standing. "Alright then." He smiles at me. "Swear on my baby's life that you won't tell Ashton. Or anyone." I place my hand on my stomach tenderly. "(Y/N), I can't do that. He has the right to know about it. Maybe that will change things, maybe you two will get back together." He takes his pleading eyes. "No. I don't want him involved and I am not asking anything from him, so he doesn't have the right to know. For all he cares, I just fucked around after him and got a baby, if he ever finds out about it. And for sure I don't want him back just for the baby. It was pretty clear we don't have a future together, so he doesn't have a say in this. It's my baby, mine. Just mine." I almost burst down in tears, trembling as I stare at Calum with tear-glazed eyes. "Ok, ok, you are right. At least, just let me help you. You don't have to be alone in this, and I certainly don't want you going through it by yourself. Let me help you, run your errands, come with you at doctor's visits. Just let me do that." He sits next to me, hugging me and running his hand over my arm. "Not on doctor's visits. But I'll take all the help I can." I mumble and he nods. "Is there anything I can do for you now? Anything." He suggests. "I have been too tired and dizzy to go grocery shopping. Can you do that for me?" I ask him and he nods. "Anything, darling. If it means I get to be the godfather, of course." I know he is just teasing me, and I can't help but laugh; I haven't done that in a hot minute. "God, you are a tough negotiator, aren't you, Hood?" I ask, rolling my eyes.

Once more, I find myself sitting alone in a waiting room full of expecting parents, mothers, and fathers quietly chatting about their babies, stroking their bumps, and sharing their thoughts together. Every time I am here, I get reminded that I am going through all of this by myself, every time I leave the doctor's office, I have to stop myself from driving to Ashton's place and telling him.

My hand rests on my stomach, rubbing my thumb over the top of it. I really want to cry, I wish Ashton was here, supporting me through this. "Ms. (Y/L/N)?" The nurse calls, exiting the examination room. I pick up my purse, walking fast inside. The nurse helps me get on the table, fixing my clothes and placing tissues on the edge of my blouse and jeans.

"So, (Y/N)... Your samples came back, I will give you some iron supplement for your iron levels. But other than that, everything looks good. And your weight should go up a little, but nothing that worries me for now. How are you feeling?" The doctor asks me as she takes a seat on the little stool by the exam bed. "I feel nauseous, almost all day long, and so tired..." I reply and she hums. "Iron will fix the nauseousness and that will give you a little more energy. Shall we take a look at your baby?" She asks, grabbing the bottle of gel. I nod my head, sitting up a little better so I can take a look at the screen. "You are 17 weeks, right?" She asks me and I hum. "Crown to rump, the measurements are great; 5 inches long, 5 ounces and a quarter heavy, which is really nice, up to the standard... And the heartbeat is still, very strong. Mommy is doing a good job. Do you want me to tell you the gender?" She asks me, looking up to me; I freeze for a second, thinking about it. "Sure..." I mumble and she smiles. "It looks like you are having a boy." She cheers for me, giving me a big smile. My heart drops to my stomach; a part of me feels warm and happy, a baby boy is something Ashton and I always dreamed of, and another part of me fears the moment I will look down at my son's face and he will remind me of his father.

"Brought you pizza and some groceries... How was the doctor's visit?" Calum asks as he places the pizza box on the coffee table; I have given him a copy of my keys, just in case I need him, so it is nearly normal for him to drop by whenever he has a spare hour. "Thank you. It was fine, the doctor gave me some iron capsules and told me I need to put on a little more weight, but everything is ok. I found out the gender today." I state as he takes a seat on the couch. "Really? Boy or girl?" He asks, eyes sparkling with excitement. "Boy. 5 inches tall and 5 and a half ounces heavy. Really strong heartbeat." I reply and he hums happily, smiling so big that his cheeks look chubby. "Darling, that is amazing. Congrats." He cheers, pulling me in for a hug. "I guess so." I huff, falling back to rest my back against the couch cushion.

"(Y/N), have you thought... about telling him..." Calum looks at me softly, gulping thickly. "Every time I drive back from the doctor. Or whenever I can't sleep at night because of the extra belly... But I told you, I don't want him back just because of the baby." I reply. I watch him contemplate for a moment like he is scared of spilling his mind. "What is it, Cal?" I sigh and he shakes his head, brushing me off. "Nothing." He mumbles, knitting his eyebrows together. "You don't look like you have nothing to say. Just tell me." I sigh frustrated, looking at him interrogatively. "Ashton has a girlfriend now. He seems ok, happy I guess. I don't think he is coming back." He shrugs, trying to sound comforting. "One more reason not to tell him. He has moved on, this will complicate things. It's better that way." I reply; I feel my throat dry up, a knot forming on it. "I am sorry." He seems sympathetic, truly sorry. "Don't be. It's not your fault he moved on." I reply, biting my tongue as I try not to break down crying in front of him. "Yeah, but I told you he did." He mumbles under his breath. "It's ok, Cal, I promise. Can I have some of that pizza? Just the smell makes me salivate." I point at the box and he nods. "Can I ask you something?" I ask Calum as he gets back from putting my groceries in place. "Sure." "Why are you doing this? I mean, why are you here, helping me, treating me so nicely?" I ask him while he sits on the couch. "I am not in love with you if that's what you are asking. You were there for me at my darkest moments, and I want to be here for you now that you are going through this. I know it can get hard, and I know it can be harder if you are alone. And I don't want this for my best friend... Nor my godchild..." He giggles at the end, making me laugh as well.

I can barely walk from the front gate of Calum's house to his door, the now huge belly getting me off balance. Every morning I wake up, I swear that I will pop, so even walking is hard now. But since little peanut is about to come, I decided to get Calum a little something, officially ask him to be the baby's godfather. He has truly been my rock, helping me through everything even though he gains nothing out of this. He opens the door for me, smiling brightly.

"Hey, mama. Looking good." He cheers as he moves to help me stand straight. "Thanks, I am trying my best. Sorry for dropping by with such short notice." I apologize as we walk in, closing the door behind. "It's fine. You could have just called me and I would come over, no need to come by now that you are due." He states, helping me sit down on the couch. "I wanted to get out of the house. And walking helps with labor, and nowadays I will do anything to get this little guy out." I chuckle and he hums. "Can I get you anything?" He asks and I nod. "Just some cold water. But before you go, I want to give you something." I reach in my purse, fishing the little gift bag out. "You shouldn't have." He coos and I shake my head no. "This one was really needed." I hand him the gift and wait for him to open it. "It's small, but I wanted you to have it." I state as he opens the small bag. He reaches in for the box, fiddling with it before opening it. "World's best godfather... Wow..." He chuckles. "I never really asked you officially, so here you go." I smile and he coos. "It's great. And it's a great honor to become this little fellow's godfather. I promise to do my best." He leans down to hug me, rubbing his hand over my back.

I wince as he pulls back, jolting a little at the sudden cramp. "What? Did I squeeze you too hard?" He asks me. "No, I have those little cramps today. I'll be fine, don't worry." I assure him, resting back. "Ok, I'll bring you the water. Try to relax..." He walks to the kitchen, leaving me on the couch, with Duke whining as he begs for a pat on the head.

I reach down, giving the pup a scratch behind his ears. I feel a sharp pain in my abdomen, spreading from my lower stomach. And then I feel wetness spreading down my thighs, making me goggle. "Cal..." I scream, panicking as I try to sit up. "What?" He shouts back, peeping from the kitchen. "Something is wrong..." I whimper, feeling my breath become shallow. "What do you mean wrong?" He asks worriedly, rushing to me. "I think my water just broke..." I wince, the pain only worsening. "Fuck... Oh, fuck..." He brings a hand to rub over his face. "I think I messed your couch, I am so sorry." "Yeah, I don't care about the couch right now... A human is about to come out of you..." He helps me stand straight and breathe a little better. "I think I should head to the hospital..." I let out after I finally ride through the pain. "I am driving you there." He suggests, picking up my purse and his keys and phone as we walk out. He lets me put my weight on him as we walk slowly out of the door, knowing that rush movement will not really help.

"Cal? (Y/N)?" I hear someone call, a voice almost too familiar, yet so alien. I raise my gaze, finding Ashton looking at us shocked. I let out a scream, partially due to a contraction, partially because the universe literally chose the worst moment for me to stumble upon Ashton. "Breathe..." Calum reminds me. "Are you going to keep staring at us, or help me get her in the car?" Calum barks at Ashton who scans me in an effort to figure out what is going on. He hesitates to touch me, which only makes me feel more awkward; as if that was needed right now.

Holding my son feels rewarding, after all these hours of labor. He is fast asleep after being breastfed, but I refuse to hand him to the nurse, I refuse to let them take him away from me, even if it means they are taking him to the nursery so I can rest. "Ma'am, I promise he will be fine. I will spend the night with him, I swear." The nurse pleads, huffing in frustration. I am on the verge of crying, but finally give in, handing the bundle of joy back to the nurse. "He is so tiny... Please be careful." I sniffle, looking over as she puts him in the little bassinet. "We will bring him over again in the morning... Try to rest a bit." She suggests, rolling him away.

I sit in silence, thinking about how it will be now that I will have a little human totally depending on me. Up until now, I thought that the hardest part would be being pregnant, but I have barely been alone for an hour, and my heart is already aching that he is away. "Do you have a moment for a visitor?" Calum knocks on the door, almost hiding behind a huge bear. I chuckle, wiping away my eyes as he comes in. "Did you see your godson?" I ask, smiling at him. "He is gorgeous... You are a hero, really." He leans into peck on my forehead, leaving the teddy on the armchair next to the bed. "I begged them to let him stay in the room with me, but they didn't listen..." "Probably for the best, you need to rest." He replies, smiling at me. "You too. You shouldn't have stayed so many hours." I state but he brushes my comment off. "I wanted to. I had to make sure you were both fine." He explains and I nod. "What did you tell Ashton?" I ask, looking at my fingers. "Nothing. I told him it is your story to tell. He is actually waiting outside with me. (Y/N), I truly think you should tell him." He sighs. I feel my eyes brimming with tears, my heart dropping to my stomach just at the thought. "Isn't it a bit too late?" I ask and he shakes his head. "Never too late." He assures me. "You are only suggesting I tell him because you are tired of helping me." I joke and he chuckles. "The choice is yours, darling. But I will never be tired of helping you or the baby." He softens, pressing his lips on my forehead.

Calum walks out after a while, leaving me alone again. I fix the pillow behind my back, grabbing my phone from the nightstand next to me, hoping to distract myself until the adrenaline from the labor subdues and I finally feel sleepy. "Do you have a minute for me?" I hear someone from the door of the room, making me avert my eyes from the phone. The voice alone causes my heart to jump out of my chest, a familiar warmth spreading in my body. Even after so long, even after all these months of not being in his presence, I still feel the same as I did every time I saw him. "Come in." I smile, letting my phone back on the table. He is hesitant, I can tell, walking inside slowly, calculating where he should sit.

The is a moment of silence between us, no one even daring to take a breath. "It's good to see you after all these months." He is the one to break the silence, making me nod my head. "You too." I mumble. "I wondered why you disappeared, our friends found it strange you caught off from them. Now I see you had your reasons to do that." He mumbles, still not looking at me. I take a deep breath, my head feeling dizzy as I think of a way to let it out. "Congrats on the baby." He smiles at me, looking at me for the first time since we started talking. "About the baby... It's yours..." I barely whisper the last part, my body trembling as I finally admit it. "I know." He responds. "How?" "I did the math in my head when I saw you at Calum's house. And I saw the baby. He is my spitting image, and I felt it in my bones that he is mine." He replies and I let out a shaky breath. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?" He asks me, putting me on the spot straight away. "I wanted to... Every time I left the doctor's office, I wanted to come and tell you. But I always postponed it... And then Calum told me you have someone new in your life, and I really didn't want to ruin it for you. So, I decided to do everything on my own. Either way, I made the choice to keep him without asking you or taking your opinion. I want you to know that I am not asking you for anything, you don't have any obligation to us." I rush to explain, making him chuckle. "I have someone in my life, yeah. But this is my kid too, and I told you I felt him in my bones he is mine, I want him to be mine. And I know you are not asking for anything, but I want to be in his life, I want to be in yours, help you with everything you need. I know we are not together anymore, but he was made out of love, he is a product of true love. I know you and I will not be together as a couple again, but the baby, this baby will have both his parents, and he will get love from both his parents." He assures me, reaching to take my hand in his. "Thank you." I whisper. "You don't have to thank me. Listen, the next few days will be a PR nightmare, people might call you or contact you for a comment. Let me handle all of that. Don't get tangled in this mess." He suggests. "I don't think I will have time for that, either way." I chuckle. "Does he have a name?" He asks but I shake my head no. "No... But he has a godfather. I chose Calum, he was there for me throughout this. I know you don't mind." I reply and he laughs softly. "I don't. Either way, he would have been the godfather... Do you have everything you need for the baby?" He asks me, scratching the back of his neck. "Yeah, everything is ready, Calum will bring me my bag tomorrow." I reply, yawning a little. "I should get going, you should rest. Do you mind if I come again in the morning? I want to see the baby again." He asks me, unsure of how I am going to respond. "Not at all. Come straight here, so you can hold him if you want." I suggest and he nods. "I would love that, thank you." He gives me a smile, standing up from the chair. He leans in, pressing a kiss on my forehead before he turns to leave, letting me by myself once more. Only this time, yearning for the moment I will see him again.

My Masterlist /  Part 2

[keysmashchronicles]

my history in phandom and fandom

I’ve always been an avid reader. If I’d have been born twenty years later than I was and grew up in a time when every kid has tablet or a phone, that need for stories might have been filled by TV or other formats instead, but in my childhood years it was all about books, and visiting the library as often as possible. I often daydreamed about the characters in books the books I read, mostly egocentric thoughts of what it would be like if I were to somehow find myself in the stories I was reading. What would it be like to have them as my friends, to be part of those adventures? Of course, in typical Mary-Sue fashion, it wasn’t the real me that I imagined in those daydreams, but some idealised version that was cleverer and funnier and prettier and of course, someone all the other characters either envied or adored.

As I got older, and we moved beyond the stage of just having one TV in the house, my obsessive nature shifted to include TV shows as well as books. The first show that really caught my imagination was Dawson’s Creek. I loved it, the over-articulate teens with all their angsty problems heightened by their hormones going haywire, going through mental health issues and struggles with sexuality and of course, the classic love triangle. I couldn’t wait to tune in every week and catch up on what was happening in Capeside.

I’m not sure how it happened, but one day I was online on our cranky old computer and stumbled across some Dawson’s Creek fanfiction. I was amazed, and fascinated, and also terrified that someone in my family was going to walk in and catch me reading it. But I read every story on that website, and then started looking for more. I couldn’t believe there were other people out there like me, people who didn’t just watch a TV programme and then forget it about it until the following week.  There were others who thought about the characters in a TV show so much, it was almost like they became real. People who wanted to analyse every aspect of the relationships the characters had on screen, and also take these characters off into plots and stories and worlds that were nothing like what actually happened in the show, imagine them in endless different scenarios and see them experience every kind of emotion and think about how they’d react. People who wanted to write or read over and over again about the same characters because they found more and more to discover about them every time they did.I had found my happy place!

Over the years, the obsession with fanfic remained, but the focus of it shifted.I’d go through a cycle – discover a new fandom, immerse myself in it for maybe a year or two, then slowly lose interest. There would be a period where I wouldn’t read fic for a while, maybe 6 months or a year, and then all of a sudden, a new show would capture my attention and I’d be off and running again.

After my interest in Dawson’s Creek had run it’s course, the show that took its place for me was Buffy. As I recall, I had only watched a few episodes here and there and then a writer I was already reading started to post Buffy fics. I read a couple and realised that there must be much more to this show than I’d thought if it was inspiring such good writing. I think that obsession must have lasted a good 3-4 years, one of the longest I’ve had.  There was just so much good stuff for writers to work with - a whole cast of interesting well-developed characters, the good vs evil narrative, the endless possibilities of spells and demons and alternate universes and origin stories and the threat that the world might end at any moment….the list goes on. And also, there was the smut  - I’d read a fair amount in my previous fandom, but Buffy fics took it to a whole other level (this by the way being a major cause of the confusion I had when trying to work out my own sexuality - how can I be asexual? Have you seen my AO3 history???)

After that came the West Wing, followed by House, followed by the other behemoth of my fandom life, Sherlock. With all of these, although I read a hell of a lot of fic, that was always as far as my involvement in fandom went. I didn’t feel the need to join any fandom communities, in fact I don’t really think I would have known much about where or how to get involved if I’d wanted to. In the early days, the fic I read was on fan-hosted sites, with the aid of webrings to help you discover other authors. Then for a long time it was fanfiction.net, livejournal and finally AO3 where I read most of my fic today.

So how did I get into phanfic? In the aftermath of Sherlock series 4, it felt like my engagement with fic in that fandom came to a bit of a stop – there wasn’t really anywhere much to take the story in terms of canon, and a lot of people felt that the whole Eurus plotline had been kind of a jumping the shark moment. For myself, I’d got to that stage where it felt like there was nothing new under the sun. I was feeling the fatigue that always eventually came when I’d overread a fandom, and no matter how hard I’d try to find something to interest me, nothing seemed to capture my imagination any more.

I left the fic alone for quite a while, turning mostly back to traditionally published media – I dipped a toe back into Sherlock fic on occasion, read a bit of MCU here and there but nothing significant.

Then one evening in June 2019, I was scrolling through Twitter when I decided to check what was trending and saw a name I didn’t recognise – Daniel Howell. I had no idea who he was, but lots of other people were clearly very excited by something he’d done, so I thought I’d have a look and find out why. Usually when this happens, it turns the person is either on a reality TV show or plays sports of some kind,  but on this occasion I saw the words ‘YouTuber’ and ‘coming out video’ and it piqued my interest. The only experience I really had of watching YouTubers was through my step niece, when she’d had an obsession with Miranda Sings and we’d watched a lot of her videos together, including collabs, so I knew a few names but not much beyond that.

I clicked on Dan’s video, fully expecting that like with most random clicks, I’d watch for a minute or two before getting bored and looking for something else to occupy my attention, but that didn’t happen. The video was incredible and I was absolutely transfixed for the whole 45 minutes. I thought it was brilliant - the deeply personal story that was being told, the humour, the well-thought out and confidently delivered arguments – I don’t think I’d ever seen anything like it. As someone who had come to identify as asexual and panromantic but not until they were in their late 30s, and who was (is?) still in a place of trying to understand what that meant in my life, it was also hugely resonant to me on a personal level, helping me to realise the unacknowledged but damaging internalised acephobia and homophobia that I was still carrying with me.

I went to Dan’s channel and watched some of his videos, then was curious about that guy named Phil that he’d mentioned, so I watched some of his videos too. I came across the first PINOF and was completely charmed by it, by their rapport and silly humour and how they clearly felt so comfortable just to muck about and be themselves.

For a while I was happy just going through all the content on their channels. It didn’t really occur to me to look for fic until it was referenced in one of their videos. Up until then, RPF had really not been my thing – I’d seen some fics written about the actors who played characters in my various fandoms and I’d avoided them because it had made me feel uncomfortable about what they’d think if they saw them. I’d also scrolled past a lot of 1D and BTS fic when browsing on AO3 tags and to be honest, had had a pretty snobby opinion about it.

But having heard Dan’s story, and then seen dnp’s obvious connection in their videos, I was curious to see what the fans’ take had been on their relationship, and also to see what was being written about them now that Dan had come out. I looked to see if there was anything about them on AO3 and bam! There it was, my next fic obsession had grabbed hold of me and there wasn’t anything much I could do about it!

Since then, I’ve not only read a ton of fics, but even had a go at writing a few. It’s painful because they never come anywhere near the standard of the fics and writers I really admire. I have the desire to want to write well, but also a complete lack of the patience and dedication it takes to develop the necessary skill. But for the first time I didn’t let that stop me from publishing a few fics as I realised I was really writing for myself, to have an outlet for thoughts and ideas that had been going around in my head, and if anyone happened to read it, that was just a bonus.

Then through reading the Seven Basic Plots, I realised that what I’m more interested in at the moment than learning to write fics myself is to come to a greater understanding of how they work, and what exactly has been fuelling my fic obsession for over 20 years (wow....that was weird to think about! Such a long time!)

So that’s my history in fandom, and in phandom, and explains why reading a book about the nature of stories and their purpose made me immediately think that I wanted to examine those ideas in relation to something I know and love – phanfiction.

the seven basic plots // 1st plot - overcoming the monster

[chelseaheskett]

She’d been feeling lightheaded all week. Dizzy spells whenever she stood up. She shrugged the headaches off as stress. Fatigued because she was stretched too thin with all four of the kids. Thought that maybe she was coming down with something, y’know, from being worn out. Her iron levels could’ve been low. Blood sugar, low blood pressure. Nausea from eating too much, not eating enough. It could’ve been anything. Chelsea wanted to make sure she was okay, fit for travel before jetting off to New York on the weekend. The out-of-pocket fee was fine if it gave her some peace of mind. She had the three babies with her, stuck inside the three-seat stroller, as she waited inside the doctor’s office. Chelsea yawned and hunched over in her seat. Out of habit, she rocked the stroller slightly back and forth with her foot.

“So,” the doctor began, stepping back into the room. “Your blood sugar is looking a little low.” He commented. There we go, Chelsea thought, a little relieved. Heart attacks ran in her family. She might’ve done some quick Google searches about heart attacks in women, okay? Might’ve gotten a little bit scared. But everything was fine. Low blood sugar was an easy fix. “Were you aware that you’re pregnant?” The good doctor asked, peering at her through thick-framed glasses. Chelsea blinked. There it is. There went her heart. It was beating in her ears. She shifted in her seat, and this time when the faintness came, she knew it wasn’t because of low blood sugar. Shock, maybe. And even though pregnancy hadn’t even crossed her mind until the doctor had said it, as soon as he did, Chelsea knew how it had happened.

Elliot had set up a boxing bag in the garage. A good way to channel some of the anger and heaviness he’d been feeling lately. Get those endorphins going. Chelsea had asked if they could workout together, one Saturday morning. Put both baby monitors on a shelf, in close range. Jenny had slept at Macy and Caleb’s house, for a sleepover with Michelle. (Chelsea didn’t like giving up their custody time, but it made more sense for sleepovers with Elliot’s sister’s kid to happen on their time, not Lucy’s.) They were alone, and sweating, and struggling to catch their breath, and they’d been joking around and flirting and Chelsea had accidentally swung too hard and too off-center and clocked Elliot square in the face. She’d peppered kisses all over his chin, his jaw, where the skin was starting to swell up. Apologised over and over, through kisses and laughter. He didn’t seem to mind. They ended up making out against the wall. The sweat from boxing, and from kissing, had stuck wisps of hair to her forehead.

“We’re supposed to be exercising.” Chelsea whined, Elliot’s tongue sucking a spot on her neck.

“Sex is exercise.”

She hadn’t been on birth control in a long time. It didn’t help with evening out her hormones. Made her feel worse, she’d found, after giving birth to the twins. Made her moodier, made her periods more regular. Without it, they were erratic. On and off months. Chelsea was too busy to ever track it. They’d gotten pretty good at using condoms, too. It felt different, sure, but they already had four children. Three babies under two. And they’d been in the moment, in the garage, doing it up against the wall. If he had run upstairs to grab something, one of the babies could’ve woken up, the moment could’ve been gone, it would’ve been ruined. Besides sleep, they didn’t get much time alone. Nothing like that, anyway. Weren’t they allowed such luxuries? Weren’t they allowed to indulge?

Apparently not.

Her husband, apparently, had freakin’ super sperm.

“You’re joking, right?” Chelsea squeaked, casting her eyes to the stroller already full of children. 

“No, you’re definitely pregnant.” Chelsea didn’t know what to do with this information. They didn’t have room for another baby. Chelsea still hadn’t gone back to work. Had been unemployed for almost two and a half years. Elliot was close to submitting his bar application. They were visiting his Aunt and Uncle this weekend, for crying out loud! This stuff was huge. It was Jenny’s birthday on Friday. Jack’s second birthday was a few weeks after that. The twins weren’t even one yet. And what if it were twins again? What if they had six freakin’ children?! How were they gonna fit them all into one car, one house? How was she meant to look after five infants and toddlers? 

“Oh God.” Was all she could find to say. She buried her face in her hands, completely overwhelmed. Her head was spinning. “How am I gonna tell my husband?” Chelsea muttered, avoiding the doctor’s gaze. How was Chelsea meant to tell Elliot they were having another baby, when he was so worried and anxious about this weekend? He hadn’t seen his Aunt and Uncle, his family, in so long. This was so huge, this was such a big step. Chelsea couldn’t ruin it, or add anything else to his plate. God, her hormones were gonna be all over the place. Again. Her body, her mind, was never gonna get a rest, was it? No. Chelsea was making Elliot get fixed after this. No more babies. This was it. This had to be it. 

In her state of shock, she couldn’t even think of it as a positive. This wasn’t the right time. They had too much on, too much to do. Not enough space. Not enough room. At the thought, Chelsea lowered her eyes to look at her stomach. Immediately felt guilty, thinking ‘not enough’. Family was everything. It’d all turn out okay. They were all going to be fine. She took a deep breath, stars behind her eyes, the room blurring around her. 

They celebrated Jenny’s birthday on the Friday. Chelsea almost gave it up and told Macy, just so she could tell somebody, but got worried she’d spill the beans to Elliot. She planned on telling him once they got home from New York. Elliot already knew she hadn’t been feeling the best all the week, knew she’d been to the doctors. Low blood sugar, she told him. It wasn’t completely a lie. Eating junk food, then, was justified. It didn’t seem out of the ordinary to do it. She could pass craving ice cream off easily. Whenever she felt nauseous, she blamed it on feeling faint and dizzy. Pretended to go to the bathroom to splash water on her face, when really she’d go to relieve the morning sickness, stuck keeling over the toilet bowl. By Saturday, when they got to the airport, she’d kept the secret for five or six days. What were a few more? 

Elliot wasn’t as stupid as he always claimed to be. “I’m just feeling anxious/dizzy/faint/tired” probably wore a little thin, after a while. And it was harder to hide once they got on the plane. It was a three-seater. Jenny sat by the window, tray table folded down so she could play the Nintendo Switch she’d gotten for her birthday. Elliot, afraid of flying, sat in the middle, so he could feel them both there if he needed to. That was the excuse Chelsea gave, anyway, when she claimed the aisle seat. The babies, thankfully, were staying at home in California, with her Mom coming down from North Carolina to babysit. 

 It was a five and a half hour flight. Chelsea was anxious about the meeting, sure, but her anxiety was even higher about making it to New York without being caught out by her husband. 

They weren’t even halfway through the flight time when Chelsea had to get up to “pee” for the fourth time. She’d been holding Elliot’s hand tight. Had her head rested on his shoulder. His aftershave reeked. Chelsea had contemplated just grabbing the paper bag shoved inside the seat pocket and throwing up in there, but she made a quick excuse and rushed off to the lavatory. She was gone for awhile. When the colour came back to her cheeks, she slowly shuffled back to her assigned seat. “There was a line.” Chelsea said, sitting down next to her husband. Another bad excuse. Jenny didn’t even notice; completely absorbed in whatever game she was playing. She had headphones on and everything. Chelsea fixed her gaze back on Elliot. Cocked an eyebrow. “What? What’s wrong?”