#if i was interacting with someone like my past self i think i'd keep a long distance before gently closing the door

[datastate]

i keep finding reminders of how i used to act/type a few years ago and i shrivel up. and die.

[cuddlemetillidie]

Ghost NSFW alphabet

Here's a Self-indulgent thing I wrote 'cause this man has me in a chokehold I wish he actually had me in one

Also, I tried my best to make this as GN as possible, if I made a mistake, pls let me know.

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT

This post contains sexually explicit content. If you are a Minor please respect this rule and scroll past and DO NOT ENGAGE WITH NSFW POSTS. NSFW under the cut

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex) I feel like he would fall asleep pretty quickly after sex. I hc that he has some form of Insomnia so I think after he's done with everything, he would bring his s/o water or anything else they wanted but would prefer to fall asleep before cleanup.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s) For his own body part: His hands + arms. I think he likes how they make him visibly look strong and intimidating, scaring people off which he'd love and his hands for a similar reason. Plus his hands can also be………… utilized in great ways As for his partner: Probably their waist. I think he's the kind of guy to have a hand around their partner's waist 24/7. Doesn't matter which size, he would just love to hold his s/o close to him in every situation and its also a nice way to show affection

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically) Amount; probably a lot. I think it depends on where he's coming though, like on your belly; a pretty good amount but inside? probably will empty enough baby maker for the next ten generations as for consistency; I think it is a little thicker than watery but pretty in the middle and Taste (my fav part); a bit sweet but with a salty aftertaste, I think (I just think the taste is so hot idk why)

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs) Brat taming. Not him doing the taming but the one being tamed if you catch my drift. wink wink.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?) Most likely as experienced as a teenager, so barely. He didn't have enough time after his teen years and didn't really make any real effort to go out and meet someone

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying) Mating Press: His partner's legs in the air while absolutely annihilating their hole and they become a moaning mess under him would turn him on immensely Back-shots possibly???? anyone with me on this?

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? Are they humorous? etc.) He's extremely serious. He might unintentionally do something but for the most part, very serious.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.) Pretty well groomed. He takes good care of his hair, not that there's much. He's blond I'm pretty sure and also white, yeah I don't think he has much hair. BUT, I think he has pubic hair that he keeps trimmed whenever he has the time. Otherwise I think he's pretty hairless in terms of body hair, I'd say he's almost hairless

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect) Very intimate, he sees sex as an intimate act with his partner. That being said tho, he will like it rough if he's in the right mood for it.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon) I don't think he masturbates when he can be with his s/o. Like if you are in the army with him and are on deployment at the same time then he wouldn't jack off really. But, if his s/o aren't with him on deployment or even the military, then he would jack off when in the mood.

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks) Size kink Breeding kink some light bondage maybe maybe begging to and I also think he'd be into sub/dom dynamics (dk if that's a kink tho)

L = Location (favorite places to do the do) Probably in the comfort of his own bedroom. He prefers the darkness and familiarity of it.

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going) Any form of intimacy would get him hot and bothered. The man seems very touch starved to me, so if his s/o for examples puts their hand on his inner thigh etc he would get a boner pretty quickly

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs) Something that would cause any pain to him or his s/o in any capacity. He deals with enough pain and suffering in his job, rather not have it in his love life

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.) Probably more of a receiver, idk maybe it's his mask but I cannot Imagine him giving most of the time. He'd do it if you'd beg ask tho

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.) Think snice slow and sensual in the beginning but towards the middle and end, would probably become rougher and would quicken his pace

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.) Prefers to have sex but, if there isn't time for that, why not?

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.) Not much of a risk taker, again, he deals with a lot of that at work and would rather not bring it into his sex life.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?) I think three, maybe four on some days. He's got good stamina but isn't y'know… Hercules

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?) Doesn't own toys himself but is open to trying some with his partner

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease) I think he'd tease a fair bit, but not too much. Think will enjoy it more if his s/o is easily frustrated and begs for him to do something or stop the teasing

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.) Pretty quiet. Will let out a lot of groans and a few moans here and there

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character) I think he'd like to get his ass eaten more than getting a blowjob. Like his s/o's wet tongue rimming him while stretching his hole and muscly ass while his bent over a couch will drive him crazy

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes) Think a nice 7 in are hiding in those pants. He's British so maybe uncut? and also pretty thick

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?) I think he doesn't have that high of a sex drive bet when he does wanna have sex? He will be a beast in every way

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards) I hc that he as some form of Insomnia and sex while relax him, so he'll fall asleep pretty quickly. Especially if he has his partner in his arms

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Hi again, I've got a week 'till college starts and Monsoons are happening which is making me horny. Idk why but rain makes me so horny. ANYWAYS. How was your day, mine was fucking tiring. Also, has anyone reading this ever played the game Rain World? That is literally THE most PERFECT game I've played. It's incredible. If you like open-world games, then definitely check it out anyway, I hope you enjoyed this... have a lovely day, and may you see Ghost from CoD in your dreams (Ik I want to)

[pascaloverx]

Moonlight

Summary: You and Edward Cullen used to have a romantic relationship. But fate seemed not to believe in the possibility of a vampire and a potential she-wolf being together. Years after your separation, you return to Forks. Edward is committed to Bella Swan, and Jacob Black has his own pack. What happens when, upon your return, you begin to transform into a she-wolf and both Edward and Jacob seem eager to revisit the past with you?

Author's Note: The characters in this fanfic do not belong to me but to Stephenie Meyer and the Twilight universe. The story blends events that happened in the Twilight saga movies with invented ones. If you're enjoying the fanfic, please interact. Comments and kudos are welcome. This story will contain inappropriate language, a possible love triangle, scenes of violence, and romance.

THREE FIVE

FOUR

Your madness should be studied. It's foolishness to go to the Cullens' house to check on Edward. You might end up seeing his girlfriend, which would be awkward. They might not appreciate seeing you. Uley could find out you went there and curse you for generations. But now, lying in bed with Jacob beside you, you're worried about Cullen. In fact, a part of your younger self is nervous about having transformed in front of Edward. Your wolf form only emerged after you left Forks.

"There's something troubling your mind. Don't worry about denying it. Just tell me what it is," Jacob whispers near your ear while you think he's asleep. You're sleeping spooned together, with him as the big spoon and you as the little one.

"I need to do something you won't like. And honestly, I don't want to tell you what it is. I just want you to support me even without knowing. Like a good pack leader," you say, turning to look at him. His eyes open to meet yours. You kiss him on the cheek, hoping to make him more receptive to understanding you.

"I'm not your leader. And I'm not your boyfriend either. As your lover, I'd recommend you not go after any vampire. But as a friend, I support you. You know you can count on me if Sam decides to scold you, even though he's not your leader either," Jacob says, apprehensive yet respectful.

"I didn't know I was your lover. But I want to lean on the side of you that's my friend. If something happens, I need you to not let anyone come after me. Not even you. Can you do that for me?" You ask, kissing Jacob softly on the corner of his mouth, then on his lips.

"You have more faith in my ability to be your bodyguard than I do. But consider it done. I'll keep any wolf away from you. Including myself. I hope you'll reward me for that," Jacob says, kissing your neck, sending shivers down your spine. You playfully hit his arm as if disapproving of what he said.

"You're such a flirt. But for now, you don't need to worry. Finding vampires at night is always more advisable," you say, shifting against Jacob's chest as if he were a pillow and you wanted to snuggle closer.

The rest of your day is quite peaceful. You visited Sam's pack, spending the afternoon surrounded by wolves who dislike wearing shirts because they're too hot, and their respective loved ones. In truth, you wonder if you'll ever experience an imprinting. Will you ever feel that powerful bond with Edward or Jacob? Or worse, what if it happens with someone you haven't met yet?

Before you know it, it's late enough to go check on Edward. Just to make sure he's okay. You say goodbye to the pack and before heading off, you glance at Jacob, who surprisingly behaved well during the visit to Sam's pack this time. Perhaps he knows that being near Sam's pack could allow him to intervene if something goes wrong.

"I can't believe you have the nerve to show up here," Rosalie says, approaching you. She never liked you, and now that you've transformed into a wolf, she probably despises you even more.

"Easy, Rosalie. I'm not your sister-in-law anymore. No need for all this aggression," you respond sarcastically. She doesn't seem to like it, as moments later, she throws you against a tree using her vampire powers. You push her back, but before either of you can do anything else, half of the Cullen family surrounds you both.

“Rosalie, you can’t attack Y/N. I'm sorry about her temper." Esme says as she helps Rosalie up from the floor. You're still catching the breath you lost when Rosalie attacked you.

“Y/N, it’s always good to see you. You are as lovely as I remember. Isn't it Jasper?" Alice asks Jasper as he walks over to hug you. Emmett takes Rosalie inside while others watch you.

"You look great." Jasper says looking at you without much excitement while Alice still seems excited. Until you notice that you are bleeding from the corner of your mouth. Maybe this is making Jasper uncomfortable.

"We were in the middle of dinner. Want to eat with us?" Carlisle gently extends his arms towards the entrance of the Cullen's house. But you know the only way they could be eating food would be if Bella was with them.

"I don't think Rosalie would like that. But thank you for the invitation. Maybe I can come next time." You say regretting having gone there. It was a mistake trying to see your ex who should have left your mind a long time ago.

"Honey, we'll all be waiting for you. Until then, we promise to talk to Rosalie about her bad behavior." Esme says and you think it's cute that she thinks she can make Rosalie control her hatred for you.

"You will come back. Your story isn't over yet." Alice speaks sweetly while holding your hand. You deduce that she is foreseeing this but you don't understand how your story isn't over yet. I mean, you and Edward don't mean anything to each other anymore. Right?

"I think that's unlikely to be true but I've learned not to doubt you, Alice." You say as you hold her hand back gently, she smiles softly. Jasper then nods towards Alice and she goes with him into the house.

"I think you came to see me." Edward speaks while using his vampiric speed to get close to you quickly. Carlisle and Esme seem to feel the tension of Edward's presence around you and leave.

"I just came to make sure you're okay. Which I see you are, so if you'll excuse me." You speak while keeping a certain distance from him. Your feet are walking the path back to Jacob's house when you feel something come towards you. Not something, someone. Edward holds you firmly against a tree.

"Is this obsession with throwing people against trees a vampire thing?" You question looking at him. But his eyes seem to wander over you.

"Why didn't you tell me you were a wolf now?" Edward looks a little angry and at the same time conflicted about something. You will see your face looking at the other trees before you can look at him.

"It was none of your business. It's still none of your business. But I know how much it must make you hate me now." You say a little angrily, as if you realize that now you are like a natural enemy of the man you loved.

"Nothing in this world, would make me hate you." Edward speaks with such convection and you look at him, shaking your head. He can't be serious.

"Take it back. You can't say that to me. Not when you're involved with someone else and I..." You say remembering Jacob. Even though you are not a couple, you like each other in a certain way.

"Is he better than me?" Edward asks, getting close to your face, as if he intoxicates you with his presence alone.

"Maybe he is. He's not in inappropriate proximity with me while dating someone else." Your face comes even closer to Edward's face. Your breathing becomes uneven as the tension between you increases. Edward looks at you one last time before getting lost in your lips. The shock of feeling his mouth on yours makes you hold his hair tight. The kiss, however, is a mixture of lust and hunger. His lip is still sore but it doesn't matter. Edward is probably tasting your blood as he tastes your mouth. He's thirsty and so are you. By reversing the positions, you throws Edward's body into the tree you were leaning against.

"I'll tell her. About you, about us." Edward speaks while his mouth is pressed against yours. You don't know what to say, You just know that it means something to you. If not, your heart wouldn't be beating so hard.

"She's going to hate you for this." You whisper still against his mouth. Your kiss now feels like a declaration of a real feeling.

"I can't pretend this is nothing. You and I know there's something between us. Passion, lust, feelings. Whatever you want to call it." Edward murmurs, leaning his forehead against yours.

"I need to leave." You say looking into Edward's eyes.He runs his fingers over your face one last time before letting you walk away without saying anything else.

[candlewaxandp0lar0ids]

jealousy, jealousy || Han x Reader

Summary: You and Han have been dancing around your feelings for each other for… a while, if you're being honest. It doesn't help that your self-doubt makes it hard to make any move, that you're mean enough to scare most people away and oh, yeah, that his ex hates your guts. So when the three of you are at a party together and there are drinking games involved, what could possibly go wrong?

Word count: 4.2k

Genres: college AU, friends to lovers

Warnings & Tags: implied past bullying/ostracizing of the reader, jealousy (duh), kissing (rating T on the verge of rating M, so it remains fairly tame), mentioned alcohol, drinking games, self-deprecating narrator, language.

series masterlist

A/N: this took forever because I was almost done with it when I realized what I'd written didn't work with the theme, so I had to start all over again. This is also my first time writing Han, so I hope you'll enjoy it!

As usual, you hear Jisung before you see him. It's not all that surprising, the boy’s pretty loud, and, if you didn’t have a misanthropic reputation to uphold, you might even admit that you like hearing his laugh when you walk across campus, or when you catch him mid rant as you walk into the cafeteria.

Thing is, it also means that he’s around people, and you don’t… do… people. So, even though seeing him is invariably a highlight in your day, when you hear his voice, you find yourself debating whether you should head in another direction. If you don’t, you’ll have to talk to him, and as a result, them, whoever they are, because it would be weird not to, right, and you’re just not sure you have the energy for that right now.

Or ever.

Today, as isn’t uncommon, you freeze for a second, take a step back, then decide to push on. If anyone noticed that, you probably just looked extremely weird, but it’s likely that no one was paying attention, and so you keep going with a minimal amount of mortification, for now anyway. You might ruminate over it later today, like you will if there’s any hitch in the conversation that's coming, but that’s a problem for 2 a.m. you.

You’re somewhat relieved to find that Jisung’s chatting with Chan and Changbin. You’re not close with them, but you kinda get along with Changbin, and though you find Chan intimidating, your interactions with him so far have been fine, which is high enough of a bar to clear as far as you’re concerned.

Jisung notices you almost immediately, which fills you with pleasant warmth, and he waves at you with a bright smile. You choose to take that as an invitation to come closer and an indication that you wouldn’t be interrupting anything — if it’s not, that’s on him because it was unclear — and make your way over to them.

“On your way to an exam?” Jisung asks you once you’ve reached them.

“Do you think I would make myself late to talk to you?” you reply with a frown.

It makes him laugh. Sometimes it worries you, how funny Jisung seems to find you when you’re being mean. If it was when you’re being a dick to someone else, why not, but to him too? Is he okay?

“I can’t tell if this is you being a good influence on him or not,” Chan says, tilting his head. There’s an amused glint in his eyes too. Okay, that means you’re not doing too bad.

“Are you guys done with classes?” you ask. “Were you heading to the studio?”

“No,” Jisung is quick — maybe a little too quick — to answer. “We were just talking about a track we’re working on.”

Four eyes narrow on him, and Changbin grins.

“Yeah, ‘cause Jisung here’s been feeling all romantic lately, right?”

Jisung throws him a horrified look.

“You’ve been turning in very sappy lyrics lately, hm?” Chan keeps going.

“I’m the draught, you’re rain, I’m paper, you’re a poem, wasn’t it?” Changbin quotes from memory, a wide, shit-eating grin on his face.

“Do you want to die?” Jisung asks, eyes so wide they look like marbles.

The two guys exchange a knowing look, both grinning. It’s not that often they get the drop on Jisung and can tease him, for a change. They obviously find that to be a nice change of pace, but you’re not sure where that leaves you.

Because, okay, you’re not completely clueless. The lyrics could be about you. Jisung’s expressed interest in you before. He’s kissed you. Remains the question of whether that interest was romantic or just sexual.

But the thought that the lyrics are not about you? That he feels that way about another person? It fills your stomach with stones and makes it sink to the bottom of the ocean. Just thinking about it make tears spring to your eyes and you glance to the side to will them to go away.

This is bad. You’re way too far gone. What a fucking dumbass you can be, for someone who’s as academically gifted as you are.

“At least it’s not about cheating, hm?” Jisung says, staring at Chan who seems to find the ground very interesting all of a sudden.

“That’s an uncharitable interpretation of the lyrics,” he mumbles, but he appears quite eager to drop the subject after that. You find that a bit suspicious and you’d kinda like to find out what the golden boy on campus might be trying to hide, but Jisung seems relieved to be able to drop the subject as well.

“Hey,” Jisung says the second the topic’s been let go of, attention snapping to another idea so fast it sometimes makes your head spin, “I’ve been meaning to ask—”

“Oh right,” Changbin says, glancing at his phone, “there’s Sana’s party tonight. You guys coming?”

Jisung pulls a face, but you’re not sure why. It’s not like he doesn’t get regularly interrupted — and it’s not malicious either, it’s just that he, uh, talks a lot. Sometimes people end up cutting him off. In Changbin’s case, you suspect he didn’t even notice.

“I already told her we would,” Chan says, and Jisung’s face gets longer. You suspect he’d completely forgotten about it.

“Are you coming too?” he asks you, a hint of pleading in his voice.

See, even this is a dilemma. Going to a party means you’ll be forced to be in the presence of people who dislike you and who you find fundamentally uninteresting, especially since Seungmin’s been a no-show to most of these now that he’s dating. Even if you go only to see Jisung, you know people will be trying to get his attention all night, and you’ll be lucky if you get to spend ten minutes alone with him before midnight — maybe you’ll get him to yourself for a whole half-hour at around four am though. On top of that, there’s a significant risk that people will talk to him while he’s standing next to you and completely ignore you, and you’ll spend the whole time praying for a hole to open under your feet.

On the other hand, you can’t refuse him anything, and it would be far more devastating to pass on the chance to spend some more time with him.

So you just say “Sure”.

After spending more time on your outfit than you feel comfortable admitting — this isn’t a date, dammit — you show up at the sorority Sana’s a part of. Though your dress feels too short, you’re relieved to feel self-assured on your high heels. Yes, it took practicing walking in them, but it’s paying off in confidence, and it’s a price you’re willing to pay.

People are already there when you arrive, gathered on the porch, filling the house, spilling out on the balconies. You get a few looks, but it’s not like you’re not used to them. At least you’re not pretending that you don’t give a fuck. Many of them don’t like you, and you don’t like them either.

Walking in, you find yourself hesitating. Would it be weird if you just tried to find Jisung right away? Should you try to socialize, spend a few minutes talking to the rare people you know and get along here?

You may not particularly care about what people think, most of the time, but you do care about what he thinks. And the thing is, you know people talk, especially about him, especially since 3racha’s popularity blew up last year. The last thing you want is for him to think that you’re some desperate, embarrassing idiot who’s been misreading—

Enough with the line of thinking. If he’s not interested, he shouldn’t have kissed you. And, okay, the first time was a week after the break-up with his girlfriend, and he was crying, and you don’t think it meant anything to him, but the second time, this summer? It had to have meant something. He wasn’t cruel like that— You didn’t think.

You’re still grateful to make eye contact with Changbin, because it makes things a little easier. You go up to him, exchange a few words, he introduces you to some of the people who’ve flocked to him, they pretend to be interested, and once you decide that you’ve made enough of an impression, you leave them with a polite, though forced, smile.

Finding Jisung isn’t all that hard, you just have to follow the laughter.

You know that he likes his peace and quiet, too, but on a night like that, he’ll be prepared to entertain. Someone else might think that it comes naturally to him, the jokes, the antics, the comedy, but you know better. You know that there’s a surprising amount of work that goes into how good he is at this, how easy he makes it look. You know that, when he’s around you, he’s actually fairly quiet, that he sometimes hangs out on your couch, on his phone, while you’re reading, but pouts if you leave the room.

When you find him, it seems him and the group he’s with are in the middle of some drinking games. You hesitate, again. You recognize some of the girls there as part of the girls’ swimming team, the one whose captain is Jisung’s ex. Who’d hated your guts since first year, independently from Jisung, and then, uh, dependently from Jisung, you’re pretty sure. She was single-handedly responsible for half of campus thinking you were a bitch, a feat that even you find somewhat impressive.

You’d almost respect it, if, you know. It hadn’t made your life hell until you managed to stop giving a fuck.

But Jisung spots you. He always does. You don’t know how he does it, half suspect that he’s on some Spiderman shit, but he finds you in the crowd, and his eyes widen, and his smile brightens, and God, it’s not fair, how he makes you feel when he’s not even yours.

Having Jisung’s undivided attention is— one of the best feelings in the world. Genuinely. He just has a way of making you feel like you matter. It’s a bunch of things he does, one of them being the way he makes people laugh. He always— caters his jokes to the person around him. That means he pays attention, means he remembers, means he cares. That’s already a lot.

“You made it,” he says, a soft edge to his tone, when you reach him. His hand reaches for your arm, pulling you into the circle, then hovers at your elbow, sometimes brushing against your skin. This is another one of the changes that have happened since the summer. He’s more— tactile, and it does all sorts of things to you.

You don’t mind. You don’t mind at all.

“You look good,” he adds, voice low enough that you’re the only one to hear it. You do your best to repress the shiver it sends down your spine.

“Thanks,” you reply, your usually sharp tongue unable to find something to reply.

“Jisung!” some voice calls, and you manage at the last second not to roll your eyes — thank God, ‘cause there’d be hell to pay if you had.

Because it’s Jihyun. Because of course it is. If there’s one thing you can’t take away from her, it’s that she always has impeccable timing. Not for you, naturally, for herself.

If it was just you, you’d be out the door in seconds, leaving the scene before risking any kind of confrontation. Being with Jisung right now means that she won’t directly be a bitch to you, she’s never done it upfront in front of him. She instead goes the passive-agressive route which, bless his precious heart, he basically never picks up on.

You also never spoke about it with him. At first because she was his fucking girlfriend and he clearly adored her, even if there was so much that set them apart, and since then because, well, you’re still afraid you’ll come off as some jealous bitch or he won’t believe you or, worse, take her side. Tell you that you were every bit the bitch she says you are, and that she was right for the shit she put you through.

You only have seconds to brace for impact. But as you compose yourself, not bothering to smile, Jisung’s hand settles on the small of your back.

Which, hmmm, you’d be happy about in pretty much any other circumstances, but right now? Right now it might not be the best thing for you.

“It’s been a while,” she tells Jisung with a stunning smile. “How have you been doing?”

Jisung smiles too, though somewhat tighter. They’re on good terms, from what you’ve heard, but that’s not really something you’ve discussed with him. You force yourself to tune them out quickly, letting your eyes wander in the room. Just being around her makes your chest tighten. You feel on edge, feel the need to watch all of your gestures and anything that leaves your mouth in fear that it will be used against you.

Fuck, you were supposed to be over that.

Whatever Jisung answers, it makes her laugh. She leans forward, puts her hand on his arm. She makes it looks so easy, so natural. Same with how she pushes her hair behind her ear, keeps her voice at the right pitch, even laughs the right way, light and airy. If you tried to flirt the way she does, you’d only embarrass yourself. You'd look delusional. There’d be nothing sexy or attractive about it.

You’re just bad at making people like you.

It’s impossible not to be reminded of the fact that this is who Jisung went for. You don't know if you can go as far as to say she’s his type, but he did choose to date her, and you know how much he cared for her.

With her around right now, it’s really fucking hard to think that he would go for someone like you and that you haven’t been letting yourself get carried away.

On a related note, are you going to have an emotional break down in the middle of the room?

“…and things are looking pretty good for the team, we think we’ll get to the nationals this year,” Jihyun concludes cheerfully.

Wow, that’s impressive! Shouldn’t she be training for that then?

Maybe she has a point. You are a bitch.

“That’s cool,” Jisung says. “Well, it was nice running into you again.”

Her smile falters, just barely, but you don't miss it. She’s good at hiding things, but you’re better at noticing them. Know your enemy and all that.

You’d almost feel bad for her. If you’d had Jisung’s undivided time and attention, and you lost it? Yeah. You don’t know how you’d cope.

But then her eyes light up again, and again, she’s really fucking good at that shit.

“What are you guys playing?” she asks. “I’d love to join.”

You’re not unaware of the way Jisung’s hand closes slightly on your back. As he turns around, he ends up pulling you a little closer to him and your stomach tightens. Less because of his proximity, though obviously that affects you too, and more because you have the sinking feeling that this is about her. Is he— using you to make her jealous?

No. There’s no way. He would never do that.

Right?

“Just some never have I ever for now,” Sana chirps in answer. She gives the three of you a warm smile, and you think she means it. You’ve never gotten shit from her, and that says a lot. Normally you’d argue that people shouldn’t be neutral or anything, but in your case, neutral seems to be too much to ask for, in most cases.

“Alright!” Jihyun grins, lifting her cup as if to signal that she’s ready to enter the game. “Never have I ever… had sex with someone at a party.”

She drinks almost immediately, a cute giggle slipping past her lips, and so do a bunch of other people.

“None of you get close to my room,” Sana warns sternly, and several people laugh.

It’s not until you feel Jisung moving to drink from his cup and catch a glance of his burning red ears that you realize what Jihyun’s point was. With someone else, it might be self-centered to assume you were the intended target. With her, you don’t doubt it a second. Just a little reminder that he used to be hers.

There are a few whistles at Jisung’s attention, but he keeps his eyes down. It doesn’t surprise you that it would make him uncomfortable. It kinda surprises you that she wouldn’t care, though. She’s evil incarnate, but she seemed to care about him, in her own way.

“Aw,” she says, staring straight at you with her sweetest smile, “don’t worry, we’ll find you someone.”

There was a time where that might have upset you, but right now you won’t give her the satisfaction. You let your gaze flicker over her, face-shoes-face, and then glance away with a scoff. It makes you look like a haughty bitch, but, well, you’re already known for being a haughty bitch, so who cares.

Jisung chuckles discreetly next to you. That makes it worth it.

The game goes on without catching much of your interest after that. Jihyun’s sentences remain pointed — either towards Jisung or you, you’re pretty sure, though you doubt anyone notices. At least Jisung doesn’t move away from you for most of it, chin sometimes coming to rest on your shoulder, fingers running gently over your arms, the occasional whispered comment in your ear.

Heat pools in your stomach the whole time, and you’re unable to focus on anything but him. His firm body’s pressed against your back, his proximity overwhelming. You feel that you should drag him away and finally talk about what’s going on between the two of you, but you’re afraid you’ll break the spell if you do.

Eventually, he’s the one who does, peeling himself away from you when Chan shouts from downstairs to get his attention.

It feels cold when he’s gone.

It feels colder when Jihyun’s eyes zero in on you.

Hm. Maybe flight would be the better option right now.

You’re not sure how it happens, but the game shifts not long after Jisung’s left. A bottle appears on the floor, and you tilt your head. Aren’t you all too old for that?

Apparently not, or at least not when so many people are that drunk and giggling at the idea. Soon, some are making out. Others excuse themselves and find a more private spot — Sana reminds everyone that her room should not be that spot, but you’re not sure how efficient that is.

You’re thinking about retreating when you hear someone call your name and again, of course, it’s Jihyun. She gives you a warm smile that doesn’t reach her eyes.

“It’s your turn!”

There’s tension in the air as you just stare. You don’t want to—

“C’mon, it will be fun!”

You shouldn’t care. You shouldn’t care about what she makes you out to be. But in that moment, you’re back to your first-year self who was still trying to fit and figure out how to make people like you.

So you lean forward and spin the bottle.

It takes you less than a second to realize that that was some dumb fucking decision making. You don’t want to kiss anyone here. The idea vaguely nauseates you, actually, but less than the uncomfortable realization that no one here wants to kiss you. You might be seconds away from facing a harsh, unpleasant rejection. That was probably her point, actually. You fold your arms over your chest, but you still feel your shoulders sink. You know you’re unwanted. You don’t need—

The bottle’s grinding to a stop when a hand shoots out to grab it.

You frown, glance up.

And it’s Jisung. He flashes you a bright smile, then winks.

“Wanna make out?”

Jihyun laughs lightly, tells you to ‘go get it’. But even you can see her heart breaking in her eyes.

None of it matters when Jisung strides over to you and takes your hand in his to pull you away. More people than you’d have expected cheer.

He pulls you into some random room, closes it behind him, and then hesitation appears in his eyes when he looks at you.

“We don’t have to— I mean, I wasn’t trying to make you— If you want to go kiss someone else—”

It sounds like he is down to kiss you, and even if you hadn’t wanted to kiss him before that, you think that little knight in a rock band t-shirt moment would have gotten you going anyway. So you shut your brain up, grab him by his t-shirt, and in the stunned silence that follows, an extremely rare occurence with Jisung, you pull him down towards you.

His lips crash against yours, warm and soft, and after the first few seconds of surprise, during which you see him blinking at you with impossibly wide eyes, he kisses you back like he’s been waiting for this moment his whole life. One of his hands comes up to cup your face while the other’s at your waist, squeezing and bringing you closer, not quite daring to make the move to your ass. Yet, anyway.

There’s urgency in the way he tilts his head to get better access to your mouth. Your hands trail from his shirt to his arm, feeling his toned biceps underneath you fingers, and you feel him grin against you.

“Find something you like?” he teases, before kissing you again.

This time his tongue brushes against yours, and a moan escapes you. You could feel self-conscious about it, but you don’t, not with him. If anything, it only seems to spur him on further, and he gets closer, his toned thigh pushing between yours. You feel hot all over, anywhere he touches you set ablaze, and oh, do you want this. One of his hands slides up your leg, hitching your dress higher.

“Have I told you I really like this dress?” he asks, because apparently he can’t shut up even in moments like that.

He doesn’t let you answer though, and again he’s kissing you, making your head spin. You can’t figure out what to focus on. The softness of his lips, the warmth of his mouth, how his hand is slowly making its way higher up your thigh, setting your skin ablaze, probably intentionally teasing you. Whatever it is, you’re melting under his hands. You want more, undeniably so.

He pulls away for just a second, catching his breath. His chest is heaving quickly, his lips swollen, and you can’t help but think that this is your doing, a thought that somehow turns you on even further. Dark, dilated pupils meet yours, and you think you see a desire that mirrors your own. He licks his lips briefly, glances at the bed in the room. Then his eyes meet yours again. He swallows.

“Do you—”

You jump away when someone tries to open the door.

“Is someone in there?”

Shit. Shit.

It’s Sana.

“No one better be in there,” she says threateningly.

You exchange a panicked look. She’s the sweetest person in the world, but you don’t want to cross her.

In a second, Jisung steps away from you and he’s at the window. He opens it, looks out, and then he throws one leg over the edge.

“What are you doing?” you hiss.

“Saving our lives,” he replies very seriously, stepping out fully on what you assume is the roof over the porch. “Come on,” he adds, “I’ll help you out.“

You roll your eyes, walk over to him and close the window, shooing him away with a gesture of the hand. Then you open the door, and though Saya eyes you suspiciously, you think she believes your story about being tired and wanting a rest and not having realized you’d locked the door.

Then you walk downstairs and let yourself fall on a couch, right next to Jisung, who seems to be all pouty that you refused to escape with him. His thigh brushes against yours, and your stomach does a somersault, but neither of you says anything about— well. About the thing you should be talking about. The moment’s passed, and self-doubt is assaulting you all over again.

Still, right now, you’re the person who gets to let your head fall on Jisung’s shoulder, and it’s your hand he intertwines his fingers with.

In that moment, you’re sure that the two of you will be alright eventually. It’s probably going to take a while, ‘cause you’re too much of a coward and Jisung’s— well, you’re not quite sure what his deal is, but there’s definitely something there.

But, eventually, you’ll be alright.

And there is no space in your brain, at that moment, to spare a single thought for Jihyun, because she’s lost him a long time ago.

Even if neither of you seem to be able to admit it, in all the ways that matter, he’s already yours.

okayyy, again, there's kinda Lore there. i don't know if i'll end up writing it, but in case you're wondering, OC was paired with Jihyun for a class during their first year. essentially, Jihyun was pretty busy due to being on the swimming team and other personal stuff. OC ended up constantly doing all the work for the both of them, and sometimes Jihyun would say she'd do stuff and not do it. eventually, after OC was forced to complete stuff in one night and abandoned for a group presentation, there was a nasty altercation with Jihyun and the teacher became aware of the situation, resulting in a bad outcome for Jihyun. lots of people felt that OC was unfair and should have been more understanding, and OC still doesn't know if that was the right thing, but felt used and upset during the situation. Jihyun also vilifies OC when talking about it, a lot, and OC ended up being kinda ostracized after that. so yeah.

if you read all this, uh, thank you, i hope you enjoyed this, it's my first time writing Han and I love him dearly and I hope this works. it would mean the world if you could reblog this, leave a comment or anything like that! as an author, this is really the only way we get to see that our work is appreciated and it's trully what keeps me writing so it's super important :) thank you for reading and i'll see you later for Hyunjin!

[bluegekk0]

I've been in such an emotional slump lately. I fear that I upset my friends without realizing and now every interaction I feel like they're mad at me. It's like every time we chat I get the impression that they're annoyed with me, I keep thinking they're being sarcastic and trying to tell me to shut up in subtle ways, but I'm scared of asking cause what if I'm overreacting like I usually do? I just hate it so much. I feel like I'm such an exhausting person to be around and a little voice in the back of my mind keeps telling me it would be better for everyone if I distanced myself.

And I'm also fighting really hard against the idea that people in general are getting bored of me. I know engagement is not everything, I know that drawing for myself should be a priority. It makes me happy, and I draw what I love BECAUSE I love it. But it's so hard for me to not hope for validation and feedback when I've been compared to others all childhood. And it stings so much when a drawing I'm super happy with maybe doesn't perform as well as I hoped (at least compares to the number of people who follow me). I don't know if it's not reaching people here or if it's just getting too repetitive for people to care anymore. Or perhaps people see my self-reblogs as desperate and get discourages from interacting for that reason? Maybe they're right for that.

I've also been looking into and educating myself on the experiences of autistic individuals since I suspect I'm on the spectrum, and I do relate to many of them, plus every test I take indicates that I might be autistic. So in theory, self diagnosing would help, right? I could stop worrying that I'm broken somehow or a failure of an adult, and just accept that my brain simply works differently and maybe even be more kind to myself. That sounds good. But then the doubts keep creeping in. I don't remember if I showed any signs in my childhood, I barely remember anything from it. So what if I'm wrong, what if there were none, and I'm just overanalyzing symptoms or even faking them? How can I consider myself part of the community if there is a chance I shouldn't be there at all? What if I'm just lazy, what if I'm an introverted, anxious loser who put themselves in this situation by being incompetent at everything, now trying to find excuses?

I don't know. There's so many exhausting thoughts that have been dragging my mood down for the past few days. And I guess I'm just waiting for it to pass since I'm so scared of actually going out there and getting help.

Well, there goes another oversharing session. I usually feel bad talking about this with my friends cause I don't want to put them under the obligation to respond. And with how terrible I am at responding to their struggles (not that I don't care, I'm just so, so bad at responding to emotions and putting my thoughts into words that don't make me sound robotic) it often feels too one sided. So I guess this is a way for me to scream into the void and give people a choice if they want to ignore it or respond. I could just write it down in a diary or something, but part of me is hoping that maybe this experience resonates with someone and I'd feel less alone. Or maybe I'm simply just desperate for advice or validation that would feed my ego.

[the-power-of-stuff]

The Live-Action Sukka Manifesto that I Just Couldn't Keep in My Head

So I've been marinating in my live-action Sukka thoughts for the past three days, and when someone sent me an anon asking if I had any thoughts about the changes, at first I went, "DO I EVER?!" and proceeded to dump my entire brain on the page.

But then I worried maybe the anon wouldn't want to see my entire brain and figured I'd make my own post with my Many, Many Thoughts, and reel it in a bit when I answer the ask. And then link here if they're interested in the dissertation.

I'll put all the excessive details and spoilery stuff under a cut, but I'll start by saying, I didn't hate it! And I was afraid that I would.

There were things that I was bummed or had mixed feelings about, but there was also a lot that I genuinely enjoyed. All the Sukka interactions were cute and still had some decent character development, and I had fun with the episode overall (I've watched it thrice mind you, and definitely have not given the rest of the series that kind of attention). And I didn't necessarily dislike the differences from the original; I think I've just taken more of a "that was an interesting interpretation" approach.

But I better start that cut now, because I'm about to go on and on about this. I'd love to know what others think, though!! Even if the opinions aren't the same as mine! Please feel free to comment, reblog, shoot me an ask. If nothing else, I'm excited that the LA has gotten people talking about ATLA again.

So, I want to start with Suki’s characterization, which overall I found to be delightful, even if it was a bit of a watered-down version of her animated self.

In the original show, Suki is confident, sassy, and doesn’t take shit from anybody. She’s proud to the point of almost being arrogant, and even a little mean. What we get in the LA is someone who’s still confident in terms of her status and her skills, and still proud of her heritage and her role in her community, but with significantly less sass. And while LA Suki still seems like someone who wouldn’t take anyone’s shit, we don’t actually see LA Suki deal with that much shit from anyone (because Sokka isn’t really giving her any). 

There is one moment in the show where her interaction with Sokka is a little contentious, which is when he tries to relate to her as a fellow guardian of his people. I think Suki’s question to Sokka about how is he protecting his village if he’s not there is meant to be a challenge to his swagger. However, the line is delivered with a softness that makes it seem as though Suki is, at least in part, genuinely curious. (This curiosity makes even more sense when we consider the fact that Suki’s eventually going to leave Kyoshi Island so she and her Warriors can take part in the war effort, and that she will have to contend with the question of “how do you do that without abandoning your people?” when coming to that decision. The LA lays a lot more of this groundwork than the animated show did: Suki outwardly expressing her desire to see the world, her mother’s secretive looks every time Suki gazes longingly at Sokka the possibilities…)

Compare these two moments, for example. These are both scenes where Suki expresses disbelief at Sokka's claims about his warrior-hood. But in the LA, Suki speaks rather quietly and mildly, in contrast to the brash sarcasm of her animated counterpart. LA Suki is also tilting her head down and away, looking at Sokka indirectly. OG Suki is leaning in close, getting in his face, smirking derisively with her hands on her hips.  

I think there’s something to be said about the LA in general smoothing away certain personality traits that could be seen as negatives but that are actually strengths that are so narratively well-developed they occasionally show up as flaws (for instance, Katara’s fury, or lack thereof). Animated Suki is prideful and stubborn; she berates Sokka until he gives her sad puppy-dog eyes and has zero hesitation about making an example of him in front of her whole class. It’s a little ruthless, but these traits are also 1) what gets through Sokka’s thick skull (he, too, is prideful and stubborn), and 2) what makes her such a dedicated ambassador of Kyoshi and such a strong leader of the island’s Warriors at such a young age. I feel like the LA writers were afraid of making any of the protagonists seem too abrasive—everyone in the LA has had their edges sanded down, including Zuko, including Aang—and in general this tends to lead to less realistic representations of humanity and conflict, less satisfying character development arcs, and fewer opportunities for reflection and learning. 

That being said! I went into watching the LA with negative expectations about what we would see in terms of character development, and thus was pleasantly surprised. 

The LA removed the need for Suki to be as ruthlessly stubborn as she is in the animated show because LA Sokka’s skull is not so thick (and I'll get into that a bit more later). So what we get instead is a sheltered Suki with a helicopter mom who is so hilariously awkward that she has no idea how to interact with other humans. And, to be honest, I enjoyed this version of her so much that I even thought to myself, “I wish I’d thought of that!”

Suki is a straight-up weirdo in the LA and I love that for her. The way she puts Sokka in a chokehold and then looks at him after she sets him free like, “That was good flirting, yes? Would you like to be my boyfriend now?” And then her disappointment when Sokka walks away as if she’s thinking, “Why didn’t that go well, I thought boys loved getting put in chokeholds?” She is so precious, I just want to put her in my pocket. And this characterization might even be more broadly relatable than a super-confident Suki brimming with sass. Who among us hasn’t made a complete fool of ourselves in front of a crush by coming on way too strong and having no idea how to flirt? I mean…real. 

And because Sokka is also mostly just making a fool of himself trying to impress a pretty and talented peer (instead of covering up his insecurities by wrapping himself in misogyny) this leaves room for the two of them to be attracted to each other right off the bat and for their interactions to be more overtly romantic throughout the entire episode. Which, avid shipper that I am, I have to admit I have been gobbling up for the past three days straight. This episode was an IV drip of romantic tropes hooked straight to every Sukka shipper’s veins. 

Shy glances from across the room? Check.

Walking in on the other person half-naked? Check. (Y’all, Suki looks Sokka up and down for a FULL TWENTY SECONDS yes I timed it from the moment she appears in the background, yes you should count it to see how long that really is. Talk about awkward.) 

Tripping so they end up falling into each other’s arms? Check.

Wide-eyed shock that turns into surprise thirst after being pinned to the ground? Check.

Shooting each other satisfied smirks as they kick ass side-by-side? Check.

Jumping in front of literal fire for each other? Check and check!

Like, I could live off this for the rest of the year. 

But look, there’s a lot that I love about the way Sokka and Suki’s relationship is portrayed in this episode besides those romantically indulgent tension-creating moments, and it has to do with Suki’s admiration and validation of Sokka. 

Suki really looked at this boy with his mouth stuffed half-full of steamed bun and went, “Must have.”

With the removal of overt sexism from this episode (for better or worse), the story focused much more heavily on Sokka’s development as a leader. He still has that sort of posturing display of self-confidence that comes from inexperience and trying too hard to prove oneself (“Ferociously…deadly tiger whales…”), and while at first Suki seems put off by this and his attempts to liken himself to her (“I’m not just a warrior, I’m a Kyoshi warrior”) it doesn’t take her long to decide (*cough*after seeing him shirtless*cough*) that she doesn’t actually mind this behavior (and in fact maybe she kind of likes it because maybe it means he likes her and maybe it means she can show him how much she likes him by slicing the tops off all those melons with her fan). She seems genuinely interested in his boomerang and impressed that he hunts, and then later, she immediately takes interest in training him in the Kyoshi Warrior style. 

After they spar, she casually refers back to the fact that he’s his village’s protector, and this time, she does it without the disbelief and defensiveness. Because he’s finally stopped posturing. He opened himself up and gave himself over to Suki’s expertise, and in that way he proved that he has the will and desire—the heart—of a warrior. And Suki tells him so while touching him gently and gazing at him longingly in the soft golden glow of the late-afternoon sun. And as a die-hard Sokka stan, I love seeing him loved and appreciated like this. Adamantly. Ardently. The Sokka cheerleader in my head is going wild. “YEESSSS!! Our boy deserves this!!” Because we know that, in the animated show, he goes through a lot more struggle and self-doubt before he receives this kind of external validation. And while we also know that this makes for an incredibly satisfying growth arc, I gotta admit that it’s a fun bit of indulgence to watch Suki talk Sokka up directly to his face and then want to kiss him really bad. Y’know. As a treat.

That said, I'm very attached to and appreciative of the way their relationship is framed in the animated series. I love that their respect and affection for each other grows even after the disaster that is their first few interactions. In the LA, they are drawn to each other immediately, and the only barrier seems to be a bit of awkward stepping-in-it-ness. In the original, they have legitimate conflict, and they both have to give a little—Sokka becomes more humble, Suki becomes more tender—before they get to that point of potential romantic interest. And I think it says a lot about Sokka’s character and his desire to learn and grow that he is willing to humble himself in front of someone who, as far as he’s seen, has very little regard for him (slash has a good deal of animosity towards him). Giving himself over to Suki’s expertise costs him more in the animated show. But once he does, he and Suki learn and grow together. He shows Suki who he really is, shows her how dedicated and determined (and fun and a quick learner) he is, to the point that, by the end of the episode, she can allow herself to be vulnerable with him. And she does validate him in the original Kyoshi Warriors episode, just less directly than the LA. Her kiss on his cheek and “...but I’m a girl, too” is about forgiveness and acceptance and acknowledgement and respect, as much as or even more than it is about affection. There’s a little bit of romance, too, but it’s just little baby seeds of it, and it feels very natural to let those seeds germinate over time until we see Suki again later in the series. 

Which brings me to the live-action kiss. 

I’ll be honest, I was a little on the fence about the kiss. I want Sokka and Suki to kiss as much as possible in every conceivable universe. So there’s a part of me that was banging on the table and whistling with obscene joy. But the other part of me thought it was too much too soon. However, my hesitance pre-supposes some things about the second season (not least of which that there will be one), namely that it will handle the reunion with Suki and crossing the Serpent’s Pass anything like how it was done in the original. (Of course, one thing we now know for certain can't happen in a hypothetical LA season 2 is Suki pranking Sokka at the ferry station because he doesn't recognize her without her makeup. Do I love the expression on LA Sokka's face the first time he sees Suki's? Yes. Am I sad that this completely ruins their whole "You don't remember me? Maybe you'll remember this!" game? Also yes. But truthfully, I don't know if LA Suki would've been up to the prank, anyway. Not sassy enough. ;))

The Serpent’s Pass is one of my favorite episodes of all time, and that moment on the bluffs when Sokka and Suki are talking around Sokka’s loss, with the moon shining down on them all the while, and they almost kiss with the moon hanging between them in the background, and then Sokka pulls away without any other explanation besides, “I can’t”? That scene is so absurdly powerful and beautiful and an amazing moment of character development for them both, and I feel like it loses a lot of impact if they’ve already made out once. The fact that they kiss for the first time after that moonlit moment, when Sokka realizes that Suki doesn’t need protecting the way he thought she did, and in fact she was there to protect him, and he can finally just let go of this burden that he’s been carrying with him since Suki first mentioned she was joining them (slash since his dad put him in charge of an entire village at 13), and then and only then can he open his heart to what he feels for Suki, and in fact opens it so wide that he just cannot help but jam his mouth onto hers before she’s even finished talking…? I mean. C’mon. That’s poetry. But, again…loses impact if they’ve already had a first kiss.

But who knows what, if anything, they’ll actually do with that storyline. So for now, I’ll just enjoy my live-action Sukka kiss because, honestly, dream come true.    

Or almost a dream come true. Because there's a huge camelephant in the room that I haven't addressed yet, isn't there? The lack of Sokka in the Kyoshi Warrior uniform...

And I don’t think we can talk about the omission of Sokka’s Kyoshi Warrior uniform without talking about the omission of Sokka’s sexism. Because if Sokka isn’t sexist, then why do you have to put him in the dress and makeup of traditionally female warriors to make a point about how women are strong and capable, too? So here’s what I’ll say about that (and I know there’s a lot that people have said already, so I’ll try not to belabor the point.) I don’t think leaving out Sokka’s sexism was necessarily a detriment to his character arc. I do think, however, that leaving out Sokka’s sexism was a detriment to the message the show was trying to convey about sexism. 

Now, in the Northern Water Tribe episodes, the LA still gives us a message about fighting against the kind of systemic, institutionalized sexism that you might not be surprised to encounter within a very old-fashioned society or from a very old-fashioned gray-haired man. But what about the off-the-cuff, everyday kind of sexism that you might experience from an otherwise good person who is close to you? A person who loves you and would do anything for you but who gets carried away teasing you about “girly” things because of intrinsically-held biases that they’re not even that conscious of having? 

I think it’s important and meaningful for male and female audiences alike, and everyone in between, to see these different forms of sexism and misogyny—to see them, to recognize those behaviors in others and in ourselves, to be able to name them, and to have examples of fighting against them. We see the former kind—institutionalized, systemic—in Pakku. And we did see the latter kind—familiar, personal—in Sokka. And now that’s lost.

Not only that, but there’s the form of sexism that says boys aren’t allowed to do feminine things lest they relinquish their maleness. And in the animated show, we got to see Sokka combating this form of sexism, too. Not only does Suki show him that girls can be fierce warriors as well as boys, but he learns that wearing makeup and a dress does not make him any less of a young man.  

So, yes, I think the lack of Sokka in Kyoshi Warrior garb was a missed opportunity. And not just because Sokka looked really good in uniform and we all should have had the chance to see that, including and especially Suki. 

Alright, this is more than long enough, so I'll leave off with a moment from the LA that gave me great pleasure.

I needed this moment, y'all. And I was so afraid it wouldn't happen. I needed Sokka being protective, I needed him using his newfound Kyoshi Warrior skills to fight, and I needed him jumping in front of fire for the girl who'd taught him. If we couldn't have Sokka in the Kyoshi Warrior uniform, at least we had this.

[jariten]

July 2024 roundup!! (Part 1!)

Had a great month for catching up on and starting new series with August already shaping up to be a wrap-up month. This round up will be a 2 parter, one for English titles and one for Japanese!

First is Ima Koi by Ayuko Hatta. 9 volumes is such a perfect length for the Margaret campus romance and what's better than a campus romance by someone who's been making them for 20 years. I can't find anything that I think is unique about the series aside from the fact that it hits all the right beats, the characters and their relationships are well rounded, and Hatta (known for titles like Wolf Girl and the Black Prince, and Bye-bye Liberty) knows just when to be restrained and when to give the readers what they want. I just really enjoy it when an author becomes so competent in a genre in this way and had a great time the whole way through. Hatta in the columns also expressed wanting to move on from the campus romance, which I'd love to see because I think an adult romance would release her full potential, but in the final volume announced that she's taking a hiatus from manga to explore various jobs in the food and service industry. I love that for her, and if she graces us with manga once again I will be there to check it out.

Hirayasumi by Keigo Shinzo I won't linger on for too long since I'm the one late to the party and only one volume in, but I already love the cast and how they interact and the tempo of the narrative. I'm so looking forward to keeping up with this series!

Her Frankenstein by Kawashima Norikazu is the debut title in Living the Lines Books new horror imprint Smudge which promises to deliver exciting deep cuts from the pulp world of horror manga. Her Frankenstein follows a man with a shattered sense of self which is further fragmented when he becomes haunted by his own past. Accompanied by an always thorough Ryan Holmberg essay this is a great read for psychological horror fans and horror manga fans interested in acquiring an even broader look at the genre landscape. The next title in the imprint will be UFO Mushroom Invasion by Shirakawa Marina expected to be released on October 1st

Last but certainly not least, I finally got my hands on Viz's long overdue edition of Ai Yazawa's Neighborhood Story volumes 1-2! Overwhelmed with things to say but will keep it short. First time I read it I was ever reliant on a dictionary but was nontheless swept into this tale of adolescent love, friendship, and growth. Coming back to it since then I'm once again overwhelmed with adoration for her work and how she is able to capture the ups and downs of the emotionally volatile teenage years. Timelessly stylish and one of a kind artistically I am so happy that new readers have yet another way to stumble across this work and that long time fans can finally have it in their collection! When I ran a poll a couple months ago asking if I should switch to english caps of the series when the time came the english caps won out, so next time I refill I will go back to volume 1. Will try to avoid dupes in order to speed things up, but if there is a specific cap I've posted in the past that you'd like to see posted again but in english let me know.

[redemn]

＊ 𝐑𝐄𝐃𝐄𝐄𝐌 / 𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐌𝐍 . ＊ independent , selective , private . ː 𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐡𝐮𝐫 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐚𝐧 from rockstar's 𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘳𝘦𝘥𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 ➁ . penned by kat , she/her , 28. a study in ː the reclamation of the self , preservation of the moral code in sedition , and the perpetuation of circumstantial change .

i  always  knew  you  had  to  be  willin'  to  die  to  even  do  this  job  .      but  ,      i  don't  want  to  push  my  chips  forward  and  go  out  and  meet  somethin'  i  don't  understand  .      a  man  would  have  to  put  his  soul  at  hazard  .      he'd  have  to  say  :      '  o.k.,      i'll  be  part  of  this  world  .  '

⁰¹⋆ carrd. ⁰²⋆ pinterest. ⁰³⋆ spotify. ⁰⁴⋆ prompts. ⁰⁵⋆ hcs. ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ⁰⁶⋆ tyler owens. ( if i'm not here , i'm there )

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ ㅤㅤㅤㅤtruncated rules under the cut.

⁰¹⋆   on followers + following .   no minors please .   in fact ,   i'd be more comfortable with people over the age of 21 due to my own age .   i am not interested in keeping a large following of people i do not interact with ,   or who do not at least like my posts every once in a while .   whenever i'm on the dash ,   i try to do the same courtesy .   also ,   sometimes i don't keep up with developments in the rpc ,   so if you ever see me interacting with anyone who has been proven to be problematic in the past or even recently ,   please let me know so that i can cut it off .

⁰²⋆   on shipping .   like everyone ,   i love shipping ,   but i'm not someone wants to jump into it without proper development beforehand .   i prioritise and often populate my blogs with primarily platonic or non-ship-oriented threads .   i practice ship exclusivity ,   which means i will only ship with one version of a character ,   and i expect the same courtesy .   if your muse ships with another arthur ,   unless you are a very very close friend ,   i will not ship him with that muse ,   period .   [ … ]   on a related note ,   please don't ask to write smut if we barely know each other and / or haven't written any "regular" threads together .   i do write smut with those i ship with ,   mostly on discord ,   but pwp doesn't interest me at all ,   so save us both time and don't ask .   i'd write 10 fluff threads over a smut thread any day . my thoughts on the matter . i am also not open to shipping if we don't at least write threads on here . again , i am not interested in immediately shipping if we don't have something built up first , and it makes me feel like people don't appreciate it if they don't at least try to answer asks that i send or write some form of thread on here .

⁰³⋆   IMPORTANT .   i understand that arthur is a canon character and everyone's interpretations of him are different . but please do not impose what you think arthur would do or how he would react on my interpretation . please also do not try to ship without first plotting out a thorough friendship between them , because both i and arthur need chemistry in order for that to work . otherwise i personally will not be invested . arthur is demisexual and won't form any sexual attraction for anyone until he has a strong connection with them , and no , just saying "they've been friends" is not good enough for me .

⁰⁴⋆   on content .   triggering content will be present on this blog ,   due to the nature of the game and my own writing .   i tag all my triggers with "trigger //" for reference . most importantly , there will be mentions of terminal illness // here .

⁰⁵⋆   on activity .   i work a full time job ,   monday-friday .   please respect that in regards to my activity .   my other blog is penddraig .   hi .    :)

⁰⁶⋆   if you could like this post after reading my rules ,   i would appreciate it .   this is not mandatory ,   for those of you who are anxious about it .   i just like knowing and i like a little interaction .   i hope my rules don't sound too harsh to all of you .   i promise i'm not mean !!   i'm just old ,   i've been in the rpc for a long time ,   and want to nip issues i've encountered in the bud before they start .

[mynonclicheblog]

One final Never Have I Ever love triangle thematic analysis

I've said this in one of my posts before, but the narrative is always going to favor what is best for Devi. A lot of what makes this show so juicy to dive into is because so much of its meaning is rooted in symbolism and higher concepts, not just the individual interactions you're looking at onscreen!

I think that's what doesn't work for some (not all) pro-Dxton anti-Ben folks. They see Paxton being respectful and kind to Devi, they see that he's the attractive object of her desire from day 1, and they see that the two of them genuinely do connect and help each other in certain ways. But when these same people look at Benvi, they only see Ben making obnoxious comments to Devi (+ others), they see childish behavior and mistakes being made, and they see them frequently butting heads due to their shared competitive nature.

And honestly? I get it. These conclusions are easy to come to when you're looking at the surface, but they don't take into account the full story that's being told.

Let's get into it. 😎👇

So I mentioned the idea of what is best for Devi. Not what is best for any regular person out there -- what is best for Devi Vishwakumar! Our girl expresses in no uncertain terms that she enjoys her hypercompetitive rivalry-turned-bond with Ben ("Ben's smart and we talk- mostly argue- for hours!" // "I don't want to break up with Ben. He really pushes me.") The fact that they fight and compete is not a detriment to their compatibility, it is actually the thing that makes him most desirable in her mind. She would not have wanted to be with him in the first place if this were not true. Their sharp-tongued communication style may not be the standard picture of a 'healthy' relationship for most people, but, well. Devi and Ben are far from most people.

Devi is an incredibly emotional, dynamic person who's always searching for another high. The competitive nature of her relationship with Ben is enough to satisfy her itch for novelty/excitement (her differences with Paxton don't hit this box), yet Ben's presence also provides a comforting long-term consistency in her life. He's seen the very best and the very worst of her and he always comes back. He frequently brings Devi back to herself, too, when she loses sight of what matters (friendships, family, sense of self, her goals, etc).

Then there's the dream vs. reality dichotomy that very much applies to this love triangle. Simple as it may be, it's accurate. I believe it was built that way on purpose because of how well it reflects Devi's relationships to Mohan and Nalini, which is the beating heart of what NHIE is all about. One (Mo/Pax) is more outwardly palatable than the other and provides an easygoing, self-soothing escapism that she needs in order to work through her grief. This person represents youth and the rose-colored past; Devi's tendency to idealize and indulge. The other person (Nal/Ben) is sharper around the edges, a bit harder to swallow, but pushes Devi to do better and supplies the support she needs. This person represents Devi's grounded reality; her time in the present and the woman she is growing into.

They are both important pieces in Devi's journey, but the themes of past vs present speak for themselves. The past is something we keep close to our heart- in this case, it's someone who has impacted us that we'll always carry with us. But the ultimate goal is to move forward from that. The central relationship of Never Have I Ever, in my opinion, is that of Devi & Nalini as they heal and grow together. In terms of Devi's romantic life, her relationship with Ben is the one that more closely shadows the series arc between her & Nalini.

I'd like to address some things by the individual season now. One of my observations watching s1 for the first time was that Paxton was usually aligned with bad things in Devi's life, whereas Ben was aligned with the good. e.g., Paxton was in some way the source of Devi's falling outs with El/Fab and Nalini; Ben is the one who repaired those relationships. These things aren't Paxton's fault, nor do I place any blame on him. They're just subtle narrative choices that send up unspoken flags saying, hey look, this isn't the right person for her. This theme was left behind in s1 for the most part, but given that it was NHIE's debut season, it planted several seeds for me about who the boys were for Devi and how they fit into her world.

Season 2 does a lot to sort out the difference in what Devi thinks she wants (Paxton) and what her heart truly wants (Ben). Yes, I'm going there, too: head vs heart. Devi's underlying preference for Ben > Paxton should be easy to spot as early as 2x01 -- if only for the fact that Devi finally bagged the hot guy of her dreams, and yet, choosing to be with him isn't easy for her. In fact, as both Devi and Eleanor confirm later, she wanted to choose Ben in the first place. Like... that is crazy when you think about it!!! Despite all the pieces falling into place for her and Paxton, and against her friends' shallow advice, she decides that she won't let go of Ben. Instead, she makes the misguided decision to date both. This isn't the kind of mistake she'll ever make again. It isn't Devi acting out because of Ben -- it signals a profound attachment to him when, all things considered, picking Paxton should have been a no brainer. That revealed everything I needed to know in order to understand that being with Paxton wasn't what she wanted in her heart of hearts.

Then, of course, 3x10 brings that all home with the stomach knots comparison. It tells us that, ever since Devi and Paxton moved into a place of genuine friendship, with him no longer on a pedestal, those romantic feelings (esp. on her part) have dissipated. As a bonus, Devi even explicitly states that Paxton was a dream! Ben, however -- her flawed reality -- is the one who still gives her butterflies. This is the result of Devi's slow awakening to her true inner self, the Devi who values realness and authenticity and loving through imperfection. It's a step closer to the complete acceptance of herself. (Notice as well that right after this point, it becomes more undeniable than ever that Ben is who she wants to be with.)

As long as Paxton was a romantic possibility for Devi, their relationship was tied to her feelings of insecurity and inferiority. Again this is not Paxton's fault -- he assures her of the opposite all the time -- but this is Devi's story, and we are shown over and over that Devi fears true vulnerability with Paxton (both sexually and emotionally). Compare this to the way she has always felt confident, seen, driven, and unabashedly herself in her relationship with Ben, even when they were enemies. At a glance Devi may appear to act more immature in Ben's orbit, but the truth is that she grows with him more than anyone else (besides Nalini) thanks to Ben's penchant for encouraging accountability and showing her that actions can have consequences.

Anyway, TLDR version:

Paxton = Devi's youth, Mohan, grief, distraction, the past, idealism, and the head (constructed ideas).

Ben = Devi's future, Nalini, healing, confrontation, the present, reality, and the heart (authentic truths).

Never Have I Ever's romantic story structure rests on the premise of these symbolic definitions. They are gospel, and while the characters will grow and change and become better versions of themselves, they will do so within the lines that are already drawn. The lines exist for a reason -- they are a narrative tool! These characters cannot and should not 'grow out' of their roles because those roles are their identities within the show's framework. The characters are exactly who they are meant to be right through to the end. They are symbols. If that's not your cup of tea then so be it! But there's nothing wrong with this writing style. In fact it's one of my personal favorites because everything is so neatly defined, yet fascinating to read into 🥰

The imperfect Ben had to be Devi's true love because her love interests are, in a way, reflections of herself. By no fault of his own, Devi always felt the need to be "perfect" for Paxton because that's how she viewed him; a false paragon of everything she wanted to be. That is the point of their story together. Her acceptance of the deep love she has for Ben (and Nalini!), despite his sometimes off-putting demeanor, is aligned with Devi's acceptance of her own imperfections -- that she is hot-headed, she can be self-absorbed, she acts without thinking and makes mistakes -- but that she is also brilliant and driven and caring and radiant, and she is equally worthy of receiving the love that she has to offer others.

Narratively speaking, it was never truly a competition.

[the-s1lly-corner]

You points

I'd like to hear some of your general headcanons for itward! Any and all headcanons you can think of >:)

General Itward hcs!

I got too silly guys

This is gonna be long so buckleup

Side note, my silly little goofy baking marathon has begun, so requests are REALLY gonna slow down today and tomorrow and likely Tuesday as well

I current have multiple pies in the oven as we speak <\3 (note from the future i was typing for so long the first batch of pies finished and the second group just got put in)

My bodies gonna hate me for this but imma get paid (yaaaay!!!!)

Love to think that itward is self sufficient. He grows his own stuff and scavenges for any metal parts he needs what whatever (his ship, a project, ect)

As such he also builds and maintains his own stuff; the ship is the most obvious thing! But I like to think nearly everything in the ship itself was either made by him or found abandoned !

Its canon that he loves forks, both stated in the character sheet thing KMG posted as well as the copious amounts of forks decorating the main area of his ship! I mean he literally has a wall covered in forks! I can easily see him having even more forks stashed away somewhere

Torn between headcannoning him to just have them in a jumbled heap in a drawer somewhere... and headcannoning that he sorts them by size, material, color, and style... both seem so in character for him.. hmm..

I can say for certain that he has a box somewhere full of random stuff hes collected and it's not at all neat and organized. Rocks, gears, bolts, sticks, glass vials, jewels, and so on! The "oo pretty I think I'll keep this and use it for later (never uses it for later)" mindset! I like calling those lil trinket boxes "crow boxes"

"The one many children talk about", as said by the man himself. So fran and the twins arent the only ones who have interacted with him... dad of dozens of children

I was gonna go somewhere with that previous point but I genuinely forgot what I was gonna say

Has made stuffed animals and dolls at least once for all of his kids. And yes, that includes Clara and Mia, at least before they tried to kill him... reluctantly makes bunnies for kids who ask

Speaking of bunnies, since it's been proven that itward wasnt bluffing or lying about his fear of them (KMG made a post showing off a type of Kamala that basically makes you addicted to their candy, making you eat them til your guts explode) (which... is horrifying and makes me wonder, did itward see that happen to someone? Perhaps one of his kids? A friend? Or did he not and the concept just scares him so much?) It's a little funny that itward has a bunny plushie on his ship

Sad hc but I like to think it belonged to one of his past children and as much as hes afraid of it he doesnt have the heart to give it away

While we're on the topic of sad stuff, I dont think itward can shed tears. So in place of them, his bones start to rattle a little

While I also headcannon that his bones rattle when hes nervous or flustered, and perhaps on the rare occasion that hes angry, it does happen when hes sad enough

Okay no more sad, I like to think his hat steams when he gets real excited about something or embarrassed. The top of it just. Pops open and theres the steam billowing out

I dunno I think it suits him and his aesthetic...

Stole this idea from someone else but he can purr; it's mostly involuntary imo and if you listen close enough you can hear his bones vibrating and clacking against one another

His eyes glow in the dark! Not too bright, it's fairly dim, but it's enough for him to see around and for you to see where he is in a dark room!

Creaky bones. He is OLD! probably VERY OLD! So it would make sense his bones click and make noise thanks to the general age.. wear and tear you know? Especially prominent in his spine and ankles

Has a habit of clacking his teeth/jaw when speaking, as well as when hes just. Not doing anything

Prone to fiddling with his rings (!! Will get to that in a second!) As well as the accessories on his coat; and sometimes, even his hat!

Okay the rings! I like to hc that itward makes his own accessories too ! That includes the gems and chains on his coat (heck, hes probably made his own clothes!) And I like to hc that he sometimes wears rings !

Sometimes sells his stuff; more likely to sell shoes and clothing, as well as his machines and services! Sure he mostly lives off stuff hes found or grew, but theres some stuff that he cant just find or grow.. plus its generally a good idea to have some money somewhere

I'm pretty sure hes good friends with palontras and ziar (given him and palontras work together to help Fran and the painting of ziar in itwards ship) but I also like to think he is friends with the wizard and cogwind!

Mostly because I wish we got more stuff for both of them... also him and cogwind can bond over their interests!

Does not stay in one place for long, given that KMGs labels him as a wanderer, but assuming he keeps Fran around to raise her I think he anchors down to one place... well not ANCHOR but like, cutting down on traveling at least a bit, especially in the beginning so fran can fully come to terms with everything shes learned (the truth of her parents death, the grieving process, learning she may or may not be part of something larger if memory serves me right, it's been a while since I played the game, as well as being shot.. like yeah she was healed physically but like imagine how shes gonna feel when that fact she was shot mentally sinks in) ... cant have her bouncing between different realities and the spaces in between them constantly

Ponders

Listens to Antonios (giant old ant dude) old music, I think! Probably has a bunch of old vynlls laying around somewhere

Frequently has to clean his hands, especially his fingers since hes always working on SOMETHING, he doesnt wanna walk around with gunk in the grooves of his fingers. Very yucky very gross and very un-gentleman..ly...

I keep trying to wrap this post up but I keep remembering hcs/coming up with new ones

Anyways COMMITS to the bit when hes playing a game with Fran, or really any kid hes looking over. Tea party? Hes gonna bust out his very best manners. Yes he will wear a tiara if its offered to him. It will go over his hat, of course. Playing doctor? Oh he'll moan n cry about how sick hes feeling, please help him! Ect ect, things like that!

Sometimes makes shadow puppets and tells stories. Both in the form of little shadow theatres, but sometimes he will use his own hands and project the shadows onto the wall!

Very good at coming up with stories on the fly

Also very very good at comforting people, I think. Hes been around for a while and he just OOZES comfort

So if you have a nightmare or struggle with anxiety, itward wont let you just suffer and be scared, hes gonna do what suits you best to calm down; distractions, holding, taking, quiet, grounding, ect ect ect anything you need

[diabolikpersonals]

sorry for such a broad question but in your opinion is laito a well written character relative to everyone in diabolik? i really Want to learn more about him but i also dont want to subject myself to All That and i just want to know if he's worth reading about or just a pile of interesting plot threads thrown together for shock factor and unfulfilled thematically.

like my current personal opinion (may be wrong) is that i dont feel satisfied with the idea of yui's love or proactiveness fixing laito in any way because it doesn't mesh well with the actual ideas surrounding his character and unpacking that love is not poison goes beyond romantic love or a singular place of understanding. additionally it doesn't feel earned it feels like a chore for the player to trudge though for the sake of reading. i dont want to read laito's story that bad if it's the case yet im intrigued by the things offered by his character like the processing of the deeply visceral way csa shatters who you are

I wanted to wait till I finished his CL to answer so I'd be fully caught up with laito's routes, but that'll take too long so.....!! I might change my answer later!! lmao

[tw laito stuff, csa and suicide, yeah]

I do think Laito's a well-written character but his stuff is really difficult to get through if you have certain triggers, so it's tough to recommend. Even beyond the csa stuff, Laito is in a real hurry to die and he makes several attempts throughout the series. There's a certain unique sort of awfulness, at least for me, involving scenes where a character fails a suicide attempt and then get even more upset and desperate about it. So I understand what you mean when you say you're not excited about putting yourself through it. They were the hardest routes for me to get through too :')

A lot of earlier games suffer from endings that are like "And the two lived happily ever after, and we're not gonna unpack all that stuff!" and Laito's routes are no exception, but if you can look past that and make it to LE, I wouldn't say that Laito gets fixed. He has an ending similar to Ayato's that's like, it feels like we fixed everything but in reality we couldn't overcome the core issue! They really seem to believe that Laito absolutely can't be happy or live a normal life the way he is now. He has to die and/or rewrite his memories to be comfortable loving someone. It's up to your tastes if that's satisfying or not, but I kind of love the bittersweetness of LE endings, and the way they feel like a happy ending until you think about them a little too hard.

What's interesting is that Yui's purehearted love often hurts Laito more than it helps him. He responds to love, from Yui or from his family members, with revulsion. There's jealousy when he interacts with straightforward characters like Yui or Ayato, like "If only I could be as simple and pure as you, but nope, I can't." He's very self-aware for a diaboy, which only makes it hurt more when he keeps arriving at the conclusion that he's rotten. He definitely makes progress, which is really satisfying to see, like how he gradually allows Ayato back in his life emotionally. But as of right now, the end of his arc is so, like, "I tried, really I did! But my perspective on love is fucked and I need a hard reset! Maybe I'll be normal in the next life but definitely not this one!! Bye!"

...So, it's hard to say if you'll be happy with it. I see a lot of mixed opinions concerning the LE endings. They often give the diaboy what he wants but not what he needs, so you're left going, "Wait, I don't know about this...!" A lot of people really hate these endings, but they actually get more interesting to me the more conflicted they make me feel...and oh boy, was I conflicted about this one! :'D

If it sounds interesting to you, too, and you don't mind some pretty brutal scenes along the way, give Laito's routes a try. His HDB will definitely make you mad though lol

[wishamongtheflowers]

Connections

"There we go! All cleaned from last night's party. Had to carry some of them to their bedrooms on this damn ship though." Pale white arms stretched up into the air, pulling up long strands of blaze colored hair. Electric blue eyes oped and set onto the open sea where the sun peaked out.

Cue another sigh, "Been up all night again. At least I get to see the sun rise. Makes everything better somehow."

Another day survived had passed. Today was going to be the same. It didn't scare her as it should after seeing someone dead and the blackened killed. She didn't let the despair deep into her mind for long. She didn't have hope but, for a fleeting moment, she can be grateful to see the sun greet her a good morning at dawn.

"Kido?" The girl turned around and huffed.

"Hey Busboy," she just her attention back to the sun, "I already cleaned up my mess so you don't have to and them some."

"I have a name you know."

"I know," Kido chuckled," It's Busboy."

"Just how long have you been up?"

"All night for the most part." Kido shrugged off any feelings of deprivation with mere indifference.

"What have I told you about how that fucking effects you!"

"And what did I say? Dose 'I don't care' ring a bell." Kido didn't react with anger per usual interactions, "Geez Amari, your a worry worm of a human."

"The hell does that mean?"

"You worry too much," Kido stretched her arms up into the air, "it's not healthy either. Can't say I blame you. Everyone is unhealthy in some ways."

"Moreover," Kido continued speaking, "you don't have to worry about my fucking messes. Be glad I'm less of a pain in your ass."

Kido just waltz away leaving Amari alone.

"Interesting character is an understatement."

~

Kido wondered the shoreline for the upteenth time in a row underneath the moon. So many memories of this place come and go with every step just to be washed away. No one will know in the end what the dips in the sand hold.

"Still waiting."

"Waiting for what? You already know what all this leads. What are you waiting for?"

"Freedom."

"Freedom from what? You've come to terms with the fact getting rid of her isn't going to solve anything."

"I'd be one less stain off my skin."

"And to think I'm a part of you. Who are you now?"

"Myself. True to earth self."

"I can't believe you let yourself go. Besides, you're the last Horseman. You made it so with you own hands. Even the remnants of despair that haven't changed to."

Kido sighed and kept aimlessly walking her paved stretch of the shore. It's the middle of the night so she wasn't expecting anyone but she's been wrong before.

"Once she's dead I'll be able to enact Freedom. True freedom. Hope and despair as their true form."

"As you wish, it'll happen. They're are sacrifices here. Dawn is when she'll call the beginning."

Kido sighed, "Have to make my way back. I'm already bored."

The walk did help keep a part of her diddling around within its confinements. More over her methods to get the game in her matter of luck. It wasn't like the past and it sure won't end happily either. She has to handle herself for now. The island holds a massive secret underneath she can get to easily. It's her only savior now.

----------------------[Tags]----------------------

@after-neo-world @mikado-sannoji and anyone else that's interested.

[yoomiwritingstuff]

Apartment Number 713

nanami kento x f!neighbor!reader

renting a place for yourself doesn't sound so bad. especially when a certain blonde grade one jujutsu sorcerer keeps stealing your attention — and maybe even your heart as well.

words: 1k

“gosh why is staring up at the ceiling so entertaining?”

you've been talking to yourself out loud for the past hour now. this has got to be one of the greatest nights of your stay here in this city – just sprawled on your bed with absolutely nothing to do.

it's been awhile since you've had your own quiet time after you've started living alone, eager to be an independent adult. juggling your studies and part-time job are such a hassle and it can be annoyingly stressful trying to balance the time you put in them. as you predicted, it strained relationships you have with people around you. not to mention, it also affects your health, and self-care is thrown out the window.

you can feel your stomach starting to hurt from hunger and from all that lazing about, prompting you to stand up from your bed to get to your kitchen. as you were about to look in your fridge while planning a schedule to buy groceries in your head, a knock from outside makes you halt.

your stomach growls in protest when you decide to check who the person that interrupted your relaxation was.

what you didn't account to see was nanami kento — the good-looking man whom you share a floor with — knocking on your door this evening and randomly asking if you wanted to eat something he cooked.

talk about impeccable timing.

confused yet appreciative of the offer, you could only nod and stand there watching as he went back inside his own apartment, and returned with plates full of delicious dishes that had you almost salivating.

“w-wait, are you sure you're just going to give all these to me?”

“my date cancelled out of the blue and i'd rather quickly clean up everything i prepared so i wouldn't be reminded of this disaster once i go to sleep.”

that certainly wasn't the answer you were expecting from all that seriousness and intimidating aura he seems to possess.

caught off guard at his blunt reply — like damn you didn't need to know that much, now you felt kind of sorry for him — you continued to stare back and forth at the man and the food he was holding while you tried to utter something.

at the very least you just wished he just told you ‘yes i don't really mind’ or even just a stern yet polite ‘please accept it and we can go on our separate ways’ but no. nanami just had to tell you someone ditched him and left him alone to eat the dinner he made.

how were you supposed to simply accept the free food, knowing he's probably going to sulk around in his own room wondering why his date didn't show? nanami wouldn't do that but you didn't know better.

the urge to be more friendly and welcoming threatened to come out of you then. you knew that particular feeling of loneliness brought by being alone all too well recently. doing something nice for him in return for what he gave you wouldn't hurt anyone.

you just hope nanami wouldn't think anything ill about the sudden casualness in your behaviour towards him.

again, you didn't really know the guy.

sure, you've seen each other in passing a couple of times before and even exchanged greetings and idle chat, but this interaction is definitely new territory for the both of you. heck the two of you are currently in front of one another, and you're here stuck in your thoughts conjuring up the courage to finally befriend the handsome neighbor you've been curious about ever since you moved here.

cringing internally, you suppose you have nothing to lose anyway. the worst he could do is reject your offer, making it awkward for you in the future to interact further with the man. you either go big or go home.

“well since it would be a waste of your effort to just ditch everything, would you be okay if i was the one accompanying you right now?”

you see him slightly tense. biting your lip, you waited anxiously for what he'll say.

he briefly meets your eyes, deciphering whether or not you were serious. the intensity of his gaze suddenly makes you feel self-conscious about the way you're dressed in comparison to him.

nanami as always, was wearing something sophisticated befitting a businessman (or so you thought that was his job). a white dress shirt paired with light beige suit pants and black slippers complete his whole outfit meanwhile you're just in your plain favorite oversized sweater and shorts.

you unconsciously grip the hem of your top, avoiding any eye contact with the older man. you hear him sigh, grimacing at the way it sounded. you guess being awkward with him for the rest of your life it is.

“only if you're comfortable enough to stay with me through the entire night.”

startled at his calm acceptance, you gazed back at him with more interest. though nanami wasn't looking at you anymore, you're sure you see the faintest redness on his cheeks if you squint. this makes you put on a small smile for him to see. he clears his throat and directs his attention to you again.

“you'll be alright with eating at my place?”

he asks after a few seconds. you then gave him a little noise of confirmation. a ghost of a smile can be seen in nanami's mouth but you pretend you don't notice to stop yourself from swooning. he tells you he'll return the food back to his apartment and will wait for you there.

once you were sure he was gone, you quickly ran to your bedroom and screamed with your face flat against your pillows. you can't stop the little giggles that erupt from your chest as your feet swing back and forth in the air.

you can't believe that just happened!

you're eating with nanami tonight! just you and him sitting there all alone in his apartment, spending time getting to know each other.

you could just die right about now!

.

.

.

.

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.

oh my god you're eating with nanami tonight with just you and him in his apartment?!

dread abruptly stops the flutters you feel in your body.

how exactly were you, a working college student who barely even gets out with her friends nowadays, going to act with nanami, an older attractive man who must surely have his life together?!

you for real could die right about now.

next part → (soon)

[toomanytookas]

Hi there! I saw you're a fellow Pedro Scout, and I thought I'd share a friendship bracelet with you.

If you don't mind me asking, what's your fandom origin story?

Thank you so much for this wonderful bracelet, fellow scout Maggie! I will treasure it forever and it’s very nice to meet you.

I’ve attempted (rather shoddily) to make you a little pixel art one inspired by your beautiful masterlist colour scheme! PS for the Pedro Scouts! 💕

As for my fandom origin story, I kind of have two answers! The first is that my gateway character was Din Djarin. The TikTok algorithm had been feeding me Mando content because it was adjacent to another fandom I was in, someone in the comments mentioned a couple of fics they were reading, and I got hooked as a lurker reader in the PPCU from there as I quickly started realising that authors I was enjoying often wrote for multiple Pedro characters.

Particularly in the context of my becoming a scout, I think another way of thinking about an origin story would be to consider how I became more active participant. I credit that wholeheartedly to @prolix-yuy , @oonajaeadira , @chronically-ghosted , and @burntheedges , whose responses to my longer comments early-ish in my time as a reader in this fandom made me start to believe I wasn’t being overly self centred for wanting to try and convey what I particularly loved about a fic back to its author at a more granular level.

I’m a pretty socially anxious person and in past fandoms have been a bit more shy interacting with authors but I’m getting better at being confident about it (additional thanks very much owed to @schnarfer , @undercoverpena , and @secretelephanttattoo ) and I couldn’t be more grateful for that early gentleness and interaction and I’ve been trying to pay it forward since.

This is probably way too detailed and rambling a response for the purpose of this bracelet exchange, but I think it’s also reflective of what I’m like in my fandom engagement so maybe it’s very apt. 😂

Thank you so much for picking me to reach out to and for your patience while I thought about my response. I’d love to hear your origin story, too, and hope we can keep chatting! 🥰

[whiskeyswifty]

Do you think Taylor might be a narcissist?

in like the diagnosis sense, i've got no way to say anything of merit cuz i'm not a psychiatrist lol.

but if you want my opinion, as a layman, i don't think she's a narcissist, clinically or behaviorally tbh. i think she cares very deeply about other people's health and happiness and wellbeing and in fact puts herself in uncomfortable situations quite often to meet what she estimates are other people's needs. less so than in the past, but still does some of that today. i do think that she lives and operates in a very limited bubble these days though, and her world is very small. her human experience is very controlled and often not realistic. she no longer experiences basic human interactions on a daily basis that keep the rest of us a cog in the vast network of humanity. things like walking into a coffee shop and buying a coffee (assistants do that). calling a lyft (she has several cars on call, and planes, and whatever else she needs). making a restaurant reservation (assistants do that to and anywhere will build a table out of driftwood for her if none are available). dressing appropriately for the weather (she spends so little time outside beyond what she wants to, it's not a real concern anymore). all those kinds of basic steps or considerations in a regular person's day, and thousands of others, that force you to interact with others and the world, she doesn't do anymore. at least not more than once a year at most, as a little treat where she cosplays as normal in a small town abroad somewhere, i can imagine, or i hope for her.

that is different from narcism though, as that's a product of her fame and self preservation attempts given things she's gone through in the past, not because she thinks she's the center of the universe. i see what you might be getting at though and how some of the things she's said as of late sound like she's not thinking of anyone but herself or thinks she's the only person something has ever happened to. Again, to me that's not from a place of narcism but just because her status as a superstar has isolated her from much of the world, and I think she likely doesn't engage with much of the world digitally either. she alludes to that in songs and in passing, but mainly because she doesn't have to if she doesn't want to. And it seems like she doesn't want to but that's the extent of that, not because she thinks she's more important than whatever else is going on. many people would choose to live in ignorant bliss if we could, i'm sure. many other wealthy and isolated people do in fact. unfortunately that does lead to a mindset and a worldview, when encountering personal strife, that is quite narrow. she may feel like the only person something is happening to, the only person experiencing pain and struggle, or at least disproportionately to everyone else, because she can't see what everyone else is going through. empathy for others requires understanding where they're coming from, even if they're coming at you aggressively. and you can't understand where someone is coming from if you isolate yourself like that. to her, antagonists are merely masked intruders banging at her door. that's where a lot of the occasional defensive and self victimizing and unprovoked aggression comes from, i'd venture to believe. instead of recognizing the complicated intersection of something in the world and speaking her piece about her place in it, her immediate response is often to simply cast someone as the villain in an attempt to shut down anything she perceives as an attack. It's even harder to become self aware in that situation and confront your narrow and skewed perception of the world. Not without some deus ex machina event that jolts you back into reality or people around you that care and want to patiently and gently bring you back into the real world.

It's lonely at the top, they say. and when you're above everyone else at any given time, when everyone else looks so small and so far away, it's easy to look down no longer see the faces of your fellow man. especially when your typical interaction with the world these days is staring out into a sea of faceless, nameless, noise. However, she will never be normal again, so i don't expect her to return to earth, two feet on the ground, ever. and her memory of a normal life fades further and further from memory with each passing day. To me, it's less narcism and more that she's perhaps an unknowing victim of her circumstances, and for that i don't take anything she says maliciously. just a bit misguided at the very worst but that's just who she will always be.

[shuihuzhuan]

to be entirely transparent this is a vent post. nobody's obligated to read it and the only reason it's public is because venting to specific people makes me feel Worse, and i just want to try to put things into Words for myself, you know?

i've definitely been doing some self-isolating Lite (tm) for a while now but haven't quite figured out why or how exactly to remedy it, especially because for the past half year or so i've just felt way too, like, tired, i think is the best word, to put the energy into not only figuring out how to fix it but putting any of that into practice and clearly it's not been doing me any favors, especially when it comes to the fact that i definitely want to make more / better friends with people but am ultimately struck by fear that it's kind of inevitably going to fall apart both because i'm pretty uninteresting (if enjoyable, as i am often reassured, and for that i'm appreciative) and because i find it difficult to muster the energy to try to keep up with people and often feel like i'm left in the dust but have no way to change that without sacrificing the little health and energy i happen to have that i'd obviously prefer to spend on something for Me Specifically. and i guess that's probably eye-rollingly selfish, but at the same time i don't exactly have someone to hold my hand and drag me into doing something different, i have to make myself do it. and making yourself do shit is just like. hard.

i've ultimately found that there's just some kind of fundamental disconnect with the way i interact (or rather, don't, even if i really want to) with people and what i only later really perceive as what they Want from me later on. i unfortunately take things very negatively in a way that i usually describe as just "getting scared" but it feels obvious it's a little more than that, i'm just not sure i have the ability to put it into words, but whatever it is it's in a way that makes it so i just Don't have the ability to make myself bite the bullet and take initiative and i kind of just let whatever happen happen and don't realize i'm making that decision consciously unless one of the people i'm doing it to happens to reach out to me (which they have no reason to feel inclined to do).

this has been both for relatively understandable reasons and reasons that just feel kind of ridiculous when i think about them - of course it makes sense to not want to be further misinterpreted (to put it kindly) without Knowing im being misinterpreted and therefore having no way to fix it, but at the same time just Not talking to new people or not putting myself in situations that scare me isnt the way to go about it, making friends with people who will be able to bring me up to Their level Is, but also if i can't talk to anyone new, i won't be able to find anyone that can help me make that happen. it's a vicious cycle, or whatever.

it's incredibly difficult to continuously present that i want to be spoken to if i've done something upsetting but only really prompt conversation with me in that case. that's the kind of thing that scares people out of talking to me, but i'm not quite sure what to do with it especially circling back to the whole thing about not having much energy at all, you know?

in essence, i'm aware that i'm not really... special? i don't really have anything new to offer at any point and find it difficult to follow things for very long. i'm very head-scrambly in a way that makes it hard for me to follow things even when they're what i have a personal vested interest in (like, even as i write this im jumping back and forth to start and finish paragraphs in a way that probably just makes the whole thing insanely hard to follow if anyone's made it this far). there are a million other people out there with a semi-niche interest that they'll repeat things about over and over again unprompted because they can't remember if they have or can't remember if the people they're talking to don't have any interest in it.

and i guess i've internalized that too much rather than realizing people want to talk to me for me even if i'm Boring not because of what i bring to the table but because of who i am, but if i can't bring myself to talk to them out of fear of being annoying they won't be able to Get anything out of me and then there draws miscommunication From the lack of communication in general, leading people i care about to think i don't want to talk to them for whatever reason when that's not the case (what happens is i start thinking "they don't want to talk to me, i'm pretty sure i'm just annoying them" turns into other people thinking that i think they are annoying because i don't want to talk and then nothing is done about it), but at the same time i'm just unfortunately forcing them to put in effort for something that's not necessarily going to pay off.

something recently got me thinking about the way i Communicate and if i'm like... good at it? and what i'm thinking is that maybe at some point i might have been but i just find it so draining to try to tap into the skills i know i should have to an end i know i should be trying to reach.

i like talking to people. i'm a big fan of it. but i think i'm just used to do so in a way thats just so insubstantial and brush-off-y (even if i'm not trying to be) that when i need to even do something so small as ask someone if they Want to chat i get too scared to and end up thinking that we're both better off if i don't embarrass myself by doing so, and then i dig myself into a hole of making people think i don't want to talk to them when that's not the case.

the paranoia inherent to the Mental Illness Concoction certainly doesn't help, and even though 9 times out of 10 it's not proven and is, obviously, ridiculous and unjustified, the one time in a million that it ends up being correct fools my mind into thinking i need to do more of it rather than think rationally.

i'm also, like, very well aware this comes off as distinctly pity party-ish but to that i'm just like. shrug? not really much to be done about it, especially when doing so takes both energy and courage i don't have. guy who can put in the effort to yap to the void but not to talk to people for real