#if i still smoked cigs I'd have a few for him

[depravedangelbaby]

weird day :) someone tell me they're proud of me please :)

[verysium]

if you had to associate a city from the world w any bllk character of your liking which cities with who and why? sorry for the odd question lmao it just crossed my mind. love ur works btw!💗

i love unconventional questions like these cus then i have to really think hard to come up with a good answer. i will admit i am slightly biased because i feel that the current teams they play for already represent them well, so some of these might be a repeat. also i am not that well-travelled (wish i could if i had the money), so i'm merely going off the reputed description of each city.

rin would be paris. i know it sounds unoriginal, but pxg rin has already grown 10x prettier than he was during the u-20 arc, so something in that city air must be doing him right. also i feel like he just dresses like a stereotypical european lol. the winter coat and scarf combo plus the perpetual scowl on his face. he probably walks super quickly down the metro too. i have this fic in the drafts where rin and reader meet up at his shitty parisian apartment and eat hotpot and smoke cigs on a random sidewalk in winter. rin is also high class. it just comes naturally to him. like if u ever take a walk near place charles de gaulle (the arc de triomphe area), there's this quiet luxury that is prominent in the fancy hotels and brand stores that make up the vicinity. even better if u go during christmas time because they have these intricately detailed light fixtures. i remember seeing this one cartier store with a giant glittering jaguar on the front. not to mention their swarovski christmas tree. rin's like that. i feel like in a few years once he goes fully professional, the media would go wild over his poise and refined grace. he just has that subtly enticing aura, like a silent glamour.

sae would be madrid. not just because it's canon but also because i feel like the city is just the polar opposite of him. madrid is one of the hottest cities in europe, and sae's just perpetually cold. even in the literal sense, i feel like he would have cold hands and feet too. if u see those wes anderson style travel commercials of madrid, it's always some variation of pastel houses, sunshine, and bikini beaches. that is exactly what sae is not like. i also chose this for...*ahem* spoiler reasons in my upcoming fic chapter which i'm not going to delve too much into. but the gist is that the contrast is why sae fits so well in madrid and also why it's a bit tragic to see how drastically he has to change in order to adapt to a new environment. if not spain, i feel like he'd still end up somewhere with a large coastline because of how fundamental the sea is to him throughout his childhood. it's sort of his safe space. if i had the choice to assign two cities, i'd also include his hometown of kamakura since he seems like the type to be secretly sentimental. i picture sae as someone who values his roots even though he constantly says he has bigger and better places to be. like he would tell everyone that he was born in the wrong country but then proceed to sigh melodramatically whenever he actually misses home.

kaiser is a weird mix of munich, new york, and las vegas. i chose munich largely because of his german roots. i also picture him as bavarian. new york and las vegas are mostly attributed to the duality of his character. when we first see kaiser, he's this figure of flamboyance. his entrance was hands-down the most theatrically dramatic one, and there are theatre motifs throughout his dialogue (eg. roles on a stage, rejecting yoichi's script/play). i feel like this would fit well with the extravagant nightlife las vegas is known for and, of course, broadway in NYC. furthermore, kaiser is this prime example of clawing your way to the top. he seems charismatic and welcoming at first, but then we see his internal motives and well...it's something. he is cutthroat when it comes to competition, and he's not afraid of using others in his ascent to the top. i mean...he literally holds people by the hair as if they're mere objects. that seems pretty ruthless and machiavellian to me. i doubt he even humanizes any of his rivals; rather, he views them as opponents to his ideology. there's also a reason why they say if you make it in new york, you can make it anywhere. there's a highly individualistic mindset, and if you really want something, the resources are there for you to achieve it. kaiser is like that in the sense he is willing to put his all into getting something he desires, even up to an obsessive degree.

yukimiya is london. like u know what taylor swift said about the english? that's yukimiya for you. he treats his mother right, sleeps 8 hours a day, and said his first love was when his friend's 16-year-old sister kissed him on the forehead. he cannot be any more perfect. not to mention he's a literal model. like hello? IMG is calling.

shidou is somewhere in ohio. i'm not going to elaborate. the man's just weird.

isagi is somewhere rural. idk why but he strikes me as a country boy. probably helps his parents on the rice farm and bikes long distances to school. i found a lot of parallels between him and hinata shoyo from haikyu mostly because they're both from a smaller, lesser known neighborhood, have a pretty ordinary childhood, and become inspired by this influential role model. my secondary reason is just that isagi doesn't seem like he'd even be familiar with the urban landscape. he's lived his life in humble origins, so i think there might be some culture shock once he actually gets to the city. like...boy was genuinely amazed when he entered that blue lock facility. never seen so much high-end equipment and technology in his life.

ego lives in a sewer. i cannot tell u his precise location just that he probably hasn't washed his hair in 45 days and is still surviving off processed ramen noodles. please pray for him.

barou is los angeles and if not socal, then he's from the bay area. i took one good look at his artificially dyed red hair and the answer was clear. he is not immune to trends guys. it's almost embarrassing. furthermore, i think the general silicon valley area is known to be hardworking, and that encapsulates barou pretty well. he is disciplined to the core, and he knows that success is not going to come to him without him actively trying to reach it. he's also...(let's be real guys)...just a teensy weensy bit arrogant. he calls himself a king, as in a literal monarch. and he says this in the most serious tone too. now he rightfully earned that title, but it doesn't erase the secondhand cringe i felt from reading that dialogue LOL.

[13as07]

Our #1

(Shikamaru Nara)

[Art work is not mine! Credit to Unknown]

Requested by: Myself

Word Count: 4,198

Warnings and/or Pre-Notes:

Smoking/A bit of smoke-play

Slight choking

Word 'dumbass' is used

Temperature Play (aka Shika burning you with his cig butt)

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Anxious fingers crawl under my dress and quickly find themselves along my spinal cord. Shikamaru traces the ridges of my spine, running over the lower half before sliding back down.

Thump, thump, thump.

     I do my best to stay still, not letting the shiver building up escape. If it wasn't for the Nara cloak wrapped around my shoulders I'd be on display, but I don't think Shika cares much about that right now.

I spare him a glance, doing my best not to move much. The last thing he needs right now is to notice how anxious I am too. His jaw is screwed tightly shut, eyes strictly forward and as hard as his jaw. If this was a different situation I'd take the time to enjoy Shika's pissy face. He's always so pretty when he's angry.

"Shikamura," his mother says, tone light but words filled with fire. "Stop looking so mad. Today is a gracious day. A very honorable day. At least try and look happy."

A couple of blinks fill the space of his usual eye roll, but his face does soften a bit. "Yes Ma'am," Shika answers, but still gets a pointed look from his mom. The look soon flutters away, along with the inactive chieftess as she walks off to talk to the Nara Chief's advisor... Shikamura's advisor.

The thought tickles my brain. Quite a few thoughts recently have been messing with my head. It's always been a known fact that Shikamura was going to succeed his father; everyone just thought we'd have more time before that happened.

     It was something that came up in our relationship a few times, the event of him becoming chief and in turn me becoming chieftess if our relationship went further. Now that it's here, Shika has insisted I take the title too and that 'we'd figure out the marriage thing later'.

I know I shouldn't read so much into his statement but I do. Does he want me to be his chieftess or does he feel required to give me the title since we've been together for so long? Does he feel rushed to get married now too? What if he decides he doesn't want to be with me? Would he stay with me to avoid embarrassing the clan by stripping me of my title? Or would he just leave me without a second thought?

     "I need some fresh air. You're coming with, pretty girl," Shikamura whispers against my ear, his warm breath coating the side of my face. Tingles fill my chest at the pet name, tugging at the corners of my mouth.

     Despite the warmth in my chest, he does startle me a bit with his sudden closeness. Shika isn't big on being all 'love-struck teen' in public, which usually leaves room between us and a lot less touching when we're out and about. Today seems to be an acceptation though.

I hum a yes getting a rough hand pushing me forward in return. I do as prompted, walking forward and sliding out a side door with Shika in tow.

Once we're out the door, Shika takes the lead. His hand jumps from the small of my back to tangle with mine. The walk to the forest edge is rough, Shikamura's nerves getting the better of him now that we're out of the sight of the clan council.

When the shade of the trees engulfs us, his shoulders noticeably relax, as does his hold on me. His fingers are back to being feathery light as they slide against mine. As Shika relaxes, he lets himself prop up against a tree.

I do the same, the rough bark of the trunk scratching against my back and my knees accidentally knocking against my boyfriend from the close quarters. My eyes cast themselves upwards, taking in the natural fairy lights made by the sun and the leaf patterns.

A click of Shika's lighter fills the silent space, quickly followed by a stream of grey smoke. "Wear more dresses," he mumbles, smoke curling out with his words. It's weird to me how straightforward and yet confusing Shikamura can be.

"I can't exactly fight in a dress, Shika," I mumble, a bit distracted by the man next to me. He's dressed up for the ceremony today, which means he's out of his Shinobi vest for once. Instead, Shika - and myself - are dressed in the muddy forest color of his clan. His hair is up in a high ponytail, like always, and the ends are their usual spikes.

In honor of the ceremony, his face is covered in clan paint, the washed-out grey color of the Nara clan instead of their signature green color. The paint focuses his cheekbones more than usual, adding to his attractiveness.

"You look stupid," he says as his own eyes wander over the paint on my face. His mother insisted I have the traditional art on my face as well. Shikamaru isn't too happy about it and threw a bit of a fit when his mom was putting it on me. "Take it off."

The order is followed by movement. Shika rests his cigarette between his lips and moves closer to me. His hands reach up to my face and quickly start smudging the grey paint. I stay still, letting him rub away the artwork.

Once he's settled on the fact that maybe his hands aren't the best way to get it off, he reaches into his pockets. It doesn't take long for him to find something else to attack my face with. Shika is gentle as he runs the cloth over my face.

     "There's my pretty girl," he murmurs soft enough that I almost don't hear it.

     "Your mom is going to reapply it when we get inside."

     "And I'll wipe it off again," he snaps back, tone a bit pitched. The softness in his face is gone again, replaced by a look of disgust. "You don't need all that gunk on your face." The words are rough but they're meant with love. Shika appreciates when I do my makeup for him, even if he shows it in his own way. Though, at the end of the day he prefers me bare-faced.

     His hands drop from my face and slide back to my spine, this time over my dress. His fingers mess with the material as his eyes rake up and down me a couple of times. They end up settling on my collarbones. "Wear more dresses," he repeats before turning his attention back to his cigarette.

Shika is always like this, making his requests sound like demands. I don't think the man could ask a question to save his life. "Okay Shika," I answer back, leaning my head against the tree.

He nods to himself in approval, his hand dipping down to the hem of my dress. Shikamura's fingers wrap around it, the material balled in his fist and his knuckles grazing my thigh.

     "What's going on in that pretty little head of yours?" I ask, bending my knee so more of his skin comes into contact with my own.

The answer is put on hold by a couple more drags of his cigarette. "You look good in our clan colors," he finally answers.

     "Our?"

     "Our."

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     My eyes trail after my little storm cloud as he slowly makes his way back to me. Shikamura has been stopped for the fifth time on the small path from Choji back to me.

     Our friends arrived a few minutes ago and he was very eager to slip away to say hello. I wanted to go with but he insisted I stay put, so I did as ordered. I don't mind it though, I know today is a stressful day and if anyone can help him with the constant reminder that his father is gone, it would be Ino.

     Besides, our friends are slowly filtering towards me anyway. Most noticeably, Naruto who is trying his hardest to work his way through the crowd of people.

     It feels like the whole village is here to celebrate Shika's inauguration. Our inauguration. I guess a good part of the village is here; The whole of the Nara clan, fellow clan Chiefs and their families, the village council, our friends and coworkers, my family, and a good chuck of the Akimichi and Yamanaka clans.

     "Hello!" Naruto calls with a huge smile on his face.

     "Hello," I call back, watching him weave around a couple more people.

     "You must be so excited!" His voice bombs, his volume control being very obvious despite all the other noises in the banquet hall.

     "Naruto! Don't you dare!"

     "Shut up, Naruto!"

     My eyes snap away from the fox boy and towards the direction of the yelling. My eyes are met with a very pissed-off Sakura and a red-faced Ino. Both are quickly making their way towards us, with the rest of our Shinobi generation following closely behind.

     "Chieftess Nara," Ino says, tipping her head down before snapping it back up. "Not a word," she hisses at Naruto, daggers in her eyes.

     "Please don't call me that, Ino," I murmur, rolling my shoulders in an attempt to also roll the feeling off. I don't mind people I don't know calling me by my newly established title but it feels weird having my friends call me by it.

     "Just stick to my name, Chieftess Yamanaka," I tease a bit, poking fun at Ino's also soon-to-come inauguration.

     Ino makes a face, her nose scrunching up at the title. "Ya, okay, I get what you're saying now."

     We both laugh a bit, but it's cut off by a slap and Naruto's whine of pain. "Why'd you do that?" He whimpers, rubbing the back of his head and trying to tug off Sakura's hold on his ear.

     "Because you need to learn when to shut up!"

     "I didn't say anything!"

     "Say anything about what?" I ask, question marks going off in my head. The sudden feeling of being left clueless settles in my chest, making my anxiety flare up more than it already is.

     "Nothing!" Everyone yells, which doesn't help my anxiety. Maybe my thoughts from earlier are right. Maybe Shika does feel pressured about making me his chieftess and everyone knows it.

     "You guys are such a drag," Shika's voice filters into the crowd, smoothing out some of my worries but not all of them. Within seconds his hand finds my spine again, his fingers back to tracing the bumps of it, but this time it's over my dress and cloak. "Hello," he murmurs, dipping his head down closer to me.

     "Welcome back," I mumble, glancing at him before looking back at our friends. What is it that everyone but me seems to know?

     Thump, thump, thump.

     "Calm down," he whispers into my ear before lifting his head back up.

     I try my best to listen to his soft demands, taking the time to focus on my breathing and silencing my thoughts. I let my mind focus on the soft rubbing on my spine.

     Thump, thump, thump.

     Shika's hand ghosts over my lower back before working up the other side of my backbone.

     Thump, thump, thump.

     I focus on Shikamura's voice. Just the tone and the calmness of it, even though I should be working to focus on the words spilling from his throat.

     "Pretty girl?" He calls after a couple of minutes, gently tapping my back to pull my attention back to the surface. I hum a yes, focusing on his face. The face paint has started to crack from drying out throughout the day. "Are you ready?"

     "For what?" I ask, glancing around us. Our friends have spaced out in the room, mingling with the other partygoers, getting drinks, or just doing their own thing.

     A soft smile coats his face before he turns away from me, his eyes jumping around the room. "For the feast to be served," he murmurs, his fingers curving to work their way down my back again.

     "Ya, if you are."

     Shika's hand jumps down to the small of my back before he gently pushes me forward. Praises and our names fall from people as we walk through the room, working to get to the head table. Six of the twelve councilmen are there; none of which I recognize.

     Thump, thump, thump.

     Shikamura's hand coats over my back again as we round the table. "Sit," he orders, pulling my chair out for me. I obey again, sliding into my seat before Shika pushes me in. I listen to him greet the present councilmen, following his pleasantries with my own greetings.

     More pleasantries and greetings fall from him - and me - as the rest of the councilmen follow suit, sliding into their places at the table.

     Out of the councilmen, only two are women; the councilmen of education and veteran affairs. I only know one of them; Honoka who is the head of the clan's education department. I make a mental note to talk to Shikamura about private one-on-one meetings with the council so I can put names, departments, and faces together.

     "Chieftess Nara," Honoka says, tipping her head before she slides into her seat next to me.

     "Honoka," I call back, sending her a soft smile. "Thank you for coming."

     "I look forward to serving under you, and our Chief," she says, bowing her head for the second time.

     Again, I smile at her before turning my attention away. Maybe I'm not made for being the chieftess, especially if Shika fills his father's shoes and takes over being the Hokage's advisor. That'll leave me to fill in the holes of the clan chief when he's busy with the village.

     "Calm down," he repeats, hand snaking back into its previous spot.

     "Yes sir," I mumble, my eyes jumping around the room. The decorations are pretty; forest greens and greys with vines all over the place. Deer-themed decorations and bones are twisted around the walls as well. It looks like the Clan threw up from all the stereotyped decorations.

     Shika's hand works a couple of laps before settling on the center of my back. It only settles for a couple of seconds before running around my spine again. "Maybe you need to calm down too," I murmur, leaning closer to try and get any sense of privacy.

     "I'm fine. Today is just a drag," he answers, eyes flickering to me before looking forward again. "It won't be a drag for much longer though."

     "Ya?" I push, my focus shifting to Shika's mother. Her lips are pursed as she looks at me, disapproval of her son rubbing my clan paint off again very evident on her face. She's waving her hands around, trying to get her son to stand. "Your mom-"

     "I know." Shikamura's words are clipped but still soft. His mom has been getting on his nerves today. They've been butting heads all day long because Shika isn't doing everything how she wants him to.

     I let my attention skip away from her. Instead, I focus on the servers littered around the room, handing out plates of food and drinks to our guests.

     Once Shikamura is done eyeing the room again, his focus shifts to me. "Give me your hand," he orders, his hand falling from my back and resting in front of me. I lift my hand and slide it into his. Shika's face scrunches up a bit before he drops his hold on me. "No, your left one."

     "You could have been more specific," I tease, sliding my - left - hand into his hold.

     His eyes stay focused on it for a second before he digs around in his pocket. When his hand is pulled back out, a small black box is in Shika's hold. "What are you-"

     "Be quiet," he murmurs, setting the box on his lap before flipping the lid open. Inside the box are two beautiful rings. Shika tugs the thinner of the rings out before sliding it on my finger.

     "Sh-"

     "Be quiet," he repeats before sliding the other ring onto his left hand. "We'll talk about it later."

     My eyes drop down to my ring finger, taking the time to soak in the new jewelry. The edges of the ring are silver with the familiar antler print between the silver bands. Small stones are stamped into the print. I do a quick tally; eight diamonds are pressed into the band.

     Despite my focus being on my hand, my eyes catch on Shikamura's movements. He slides the box back into his pocket before pressing his hand into my spine again. The newly added ring adds extra pressure as he slides his fingers up and down my back.

     Thump, thump, thump.

     Shika's ring snags on my spine a bit, sending a new kind of relief through me.

     Thump, thump, thump.

     "Shika?"

     "We'll talk about it later."

     "Shikamura?"

     "You're being a drag right now, pretty girl," he murmurs, glancing at me, and then my hand, before going back to having a silent conversation with his mother across the room.

     "I'm being a drag right now?" I hiss quietly, tugging on his arm to try and get his attention.

     "Ya," the answer is short, but I get what I want; Shikamura's undivided attention.

     "You just... what? Proposed? Without actually proposing, in a room full of people, and I'm being a drag?"

     "Ya. I'll propose again later, with all that lovey-dovey stuff," he shrugs, eyes skirting around the room again. "I just knew if I didn't do it now Naruto would have ruined it."

     I hold my tongue for a second, only letting it loose to thank the server for placing down our plates. "Why'd you propose?"

     Shika's face snaps toward me, eyebrows knotted together and his lips pursed like his mother's were a few minutes ago. "What kind of question is that? I swear you're one of the smartest but dumbest people I know. It's a bit of a drag."

I blink at him a couple of times, rolling his words over in my head. That did not answer my question. Shikamura sighs before dipping his head backward, resting it behind my ear. "Stop stressing so much, pretty girl." The words are followed by a light kiss pressed behind my ear.

Before I can answer back Shika stands up, tugging me along with him. His arm is loose around my waist, but the weight of it is still present. I scan the room as Shika taps his glass a couple of times, pulling the room's attention to us. "Thank you all for coming," his voice rings out the start of his first official speech as Chief.

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For the millionth time tonight, Shika's fingers dance over my back, hand pushing me through the side door before we get stopped by someone again.

My nic-fein has been antsy for a cigarette the last hour. Every time we'd get close to escaping the party, someone else would stop us to congratulate us or to talk about Shika's plans to 'better the clan'.

A sigh of relief is let out of the new shadow king once the door clicks closed behind us.

"You know if you stopped smoking-"

"I know," he cuts me off, his hands already digging in his pockets for his pack and his lighter. "Tonight has just been-"

"A drag?" I tease, leaning against the wall.

Shikamura hums a yes, cigarette already pressed between his lips as he tries to light it. I watch his chest puff out from his inhale, my eyes trailing after the smoke that's released when he exhales. "It hasn't all been a drag."

"Ya?"

"Ya."

His eyes flicker down to my hand pressed against the brick building. When Shikamura doesn't see what he wants, he moves to the other side of me. He falls into place next to me, back to the wall, fingers lazily overlapping mine as he messed with my ring. My wedding ring.

"You never answered my question," I push the words out and into the dark. I let my focus shift to the stars stamped into the sky above us, letting them distract me.

"It's a stupid question."

"Shikamura!"

"What?" He groans the cackle of his cigarette following his words. Soon another cloud of smoke fills the sky, cutting off the clear view of the stars for a second. "Why does it matter?"

"You're a dumbass," I hiss, tearing my eyes from the sky to glare at him.

"Sometimes," he answers, his normal bored look on his face as he looks down at me. "I proposed because I wanted to, pretty girl. Stop letting your mind mess with you."

"Did you?"

His answer is pushed back by three deep puffs of his cigarette. Shika's eyes are still locked on me, the smoke from him wrapping around us when he exhales. "Did I what?"

"Want to propose?"

Shikamura rolls his eyes at me, glancing to the forest edge before settling on me again. "Pretty girl?"

"Shika?"

"Why don't you believe that I want to marry you? Do you not believe I love you?"

"I know you love me."

"Do you?" He asks, inching closer to me. Smoke coats my face when he exhales, promising to leave the smell of it in my hair.

"Yes."

His eyes jump around my face for a second, followed by another puff of smoke before he pulls back. "Isn't it good enough that I proposed because I love you? Because I wanted to? What do I need to do to make you say yes, pretty girl?"

My cheeks heat a bit at his question. I'm well aware that Shikamura comes off as self-centered. I'm well aware he comes off as bored or even egotistical because of his lack of motivation. I'm also well aware all I have to do is ask for something and it'll happen, even if he does it in his normal moody way. Shika coats his love with attitude, even in moments like this.

"Ask."

"Ask?"

"Yes. You didn't ask me to marry you. Ask me," I answer, a smug smile growing on my face.

Shika's eyes stretch out before falling back to their normal narrowness. I watch as his eyes settle back on mine, his head inching forward. Before he gets closer he stops, inhales his smoke again, and then leans his forehead against mine.

"Shika?"

His free hand snakes up and gently wraps around my throat, squeezing it once, twice, before he dips his head. "Open your mouth," Shikamaru orders, his voice chipped as he inhales again to keep the smoke in his lungs.

I let my lips part a bit, which seems to be good enough for him. Shika tips his head to the side, pressing our lips together as he exhales into my mouth. The smoke he was holding burns my lungs, a cough forming from the action.

"Marry me, pretty girl?" He asks, barely pulling away so that his lips still brush against mine.

"Yes," I answer, his smoke seeping out with the word.

Shikamaru hums in approval before pulling away slightly. The small fire at the end of his cancer stick brightens the space between us as he takes another drag. Once again, he holds the smoke in his lungs and squeezes my throat. I let my mouth fall open a second time and get rewarded with a kiss and another smoke-packed exhale.

When I exhale, the smoke coats Shika's face, a small smirk covering it as his eyes skip around my body.

His head dips down again but before I can get a kiss the door slams open. "Shikamaru?!" Naruto yells, pulling an eye roll and a sigh from my boyfriend - fiancé.

"What do you want, Naruto?" Shika groans, his hand tightening and relaxing against my skin a few times.

"Lord Sixth has arrived and is asking for you two!"

"We'll be there in a minute, Naruto. Now go away." Naruto does as told, the door slamming shut as he leaves.

Shikamaru's eyes widen again before settling back to their normal shape. "Pretty girl," he murmurs, pressing a small kiss to my lips before pulling away.

"Shika?"

His hand slides further up my throat, pushing my head up to stretch out my neck. Shikamaru hums to himself, the hand not around my neck coming up to trace my collarbone. "You are beautiful," he murmurs, running his cigarette against the wall next to us. Once he's sure it's out, - running it against his hand first - he gently pressing the dead butt against the bone he was previously tracing.

The still-warm cigarette makes my skin tingle slightly; a promise to leave pink and irritated skin behind for the next few days. Shika takes his time, pressing more marks along my collarbone before throwing out the now cold butt.

"Pretty girl?" He calls again, covering my now sensitive skin in kisses.

"Shika?" I call in return, trying to bite back the whines sizzling up from the pain shooting across my skin.

"I can't wait for our wedding."

"Our?" I murmur, the pain and growing pleasure fogging the events of the day.

"Our."

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[annoyedlord]

Do you have any other funny anectode or conversation between you and jerome? I literally die of laughter everytime i find your posts with him and i wanna laugh more

I do have fews haha

Me, ending my powerpoint: And that's what happened to me during the last 2 months we didn't got to see each other. Therapist: ... Listen, I'm gonna be honest, I had a blast with your powerpoint, but I still don't understand why your boyfriend's cat wanna murder you. Me: Oh that's the part you remember of the whole powerpoint??? Therapist: I mean, you drew a cat with a knife in his mouth of course I remember it.

---

Me: I'm going to [place] for vacations! :) Therapist: Oh that's nice! Never been there! Me, jokingly: Aw, im having a first time before you. Therapist: Don't be silly, you're doing many thing I never did. Me: Like guys, haha. Therapist: No. Me: Me: WHAT.

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Me talking about traumatic events: (...) my father- Therapist: He's a bitch, a horrible person, a moron and a terrible human being. Me: Me: I feel like you're not very objective. Therapist: No, I'm being factual.

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Therapist: You should come back to group therapy! The group changed, you'll fit in, we have many queer people now! Me: Oh, did it really change? Therapist: Yes, but also they ask sometimes questions I don't have answers to, like stuff about neopronouns and I don't know shit about that. Me: I do! Therapist: That's also why I'd love you to come back to group therapy.

---

Me: I wanna smoke a cig, dammit. Therapist: Me too, hold on i'm gonna open the window so we can do it. Me: Isn't that illegal to smoke inside the building? Therapist: I don't do by the laws if it means having an early cig-break.

---

Me: Oh, last time I was bored af, I decided to look up some people I knew on facebook, and I found you. Therapist: How. How did you. Me: My dude, I know your full name and your face AND you're sometimes on facebook while i'm here. Therapist: Alright, for the last bit, I admit it's not a very smart move of mine.

---

Therapist: I wanna see you next week, but I've no room on my schedule, hold on... Me: I can see you the following week, no big- Therapist: I moved one of my professional meeting, so see you on friday. Me: Me: Please tell me it wasn't important. Therapist: I won't :)

[deergravity]

The time travel poll is really my love letter to my friend who killed himself nine years ago.

Adam was the first openly trans person I became friends with. He was also one of the first people to affirm my queerness, to say that my feelings were enough, and I didnt need to score my experiences to reach some threshold.

He told me once, "people try and say that my partner and I are straight, but there is nothing straight about a bisexual woman and a trans man dating." That concept was radical to me at the time. Transformative.

We worked at a really shitty job together, one that ground up young activists and spat out jaded liberals. Adam helped keep my spark alive. He was in a leadership position and he used that to push back on bs from higher ups and protect those of us lower in the org. He lifted people out of those lower ranks based on their aptitudes, rather than the nepotism that usually ruled.

He just cared so much. He paid so much attention to people. I said once, offhand, I wanted to stop saying "you guys" by default. And he would call me out when I slipped up! Just like, "hey, I thought you didn't want to say that anymore." And I think that moment of realizing that people pay attention to what I say made all the difference in that change actually sticking.

When a friend of mine was promoted with a hint of that nepotism, I sought Adam's advice. How to navigate those feelings? Unpicking professional jealosy, concern and frustration... deciding if I should speak up or let it go. He talked me through the whole thing. Reminded me that my friend might also be feeling out of their depth. Encouraged me to find ways to offer the perspective I thought they lacked. I was drunk and thought I would forget so he wrote it down in my journal. It's the one bit of his handwriting I have.

He moved away a few months before his death. The last time we spoke, we sat on a bar balcony and talked about politics, about gender and sexuality. The golden glow of the sunset behind him.

In the state he moved to, he started a network of young trans men. He helped get them access to binders, to doctors that would prescribe hrt. Always a helper.

I think of him in this red polo shirt, oh my god it was so basic, but that's Adam to me. A polo and khakis. His buzzed short hair. His acne and his smile. God, his smile. A cig between his fingers as he stepped out for another smoke break.

He picked me up from the train station once. I was so tired, running on just a few hours sleep. I asked if we could get some coffee. He said sure, but we were going to this place he knew because "the coffee at this station is baby shit." That still makes me laugh...

I wish I could tell him how much he changed me. How much I still look to his example. I miss my friend, but I respect his decision.

I'm also envious of him, sometimes. Or, perversely happy he didn't have to see everything that's happened to our world since his death. He lived in a world where Trump was never president. A world that was transphobic, of course, but before the bitter backlash we're living through now. This is probably the most complicated thing I feel in the wake of it all. Idk if it's right, but it is. It gives me some peace to think of all the suffering he didn't have to witness.

The anniversary of his suicide is a few days before my birthday. A bit sobering, but honestly his memory is a blessing. I was lucky to know him and I remember him with love each year.

He felt especially close to me this July. To be honest, part of my hyperfixation on brat is because of him. Or, I held it closer bc of the piece of him I see there. In particular, So I has sent me to tears several times. A song about a friend, a mentor, gone too soon. The mark they left on your life. Wishing you had more time, grateful for what you made together. Wondering what they'd think of you now. I'm sure you could pick through this post and see what memories I dredge up with each line.

I love you, Adam. I miss you dearly. And I'd really, really like to time travel so I can just hug you for five minutes without saying a word.

[yoon-topias]

Yoontopia | Chapter two {Cuties and butterflies}

⟡ Warnings: Strong language, depression, mental health issues, references to self harm, references to violence, references to sexual assault, manic episodes, smoking, risky behavior, jealousy, smut.

⟡ 18+ (minors DNI, some chapters have mature content)

⟡ Best friend's older brother x OC

⟡ Summary: When Yoongi brings lunch to work but in return gets more than he expected.

2.4k words

Yoongi Pov:

I wake up with someone hitting me with a pillow over and over. "Dude get the fuck up, it's noon you said you wanted to bring Vi lunch cause' she got a big trial today" Jin hitting me over and over. "Jin I'm up! I'm up!" he scoffs, hits me one more time and walks out the door.

Jin and I have been roommates for years, he has been a big help keeping me on a stable path for my mental health. A schedule is what I need. Jin makes sure I eat meals daily and even has stopped me from committing once when I went through a low point, of course used Vi against me and it stopped it all. Looking to my nightstand I see the Marlboro pack sitting there and those fucking pineapple lollipops right next to them.

Pineapple is that what she tastes like? Why would she only have a bag of pineapple lollipops? It is like her guilty pleasure, because it's becoming mine.

Getting up I need to go bring Vi lunch. I'm surprising her with it. A big case means no breaks to go get lunch. Jin made dinner last night. I specifically asked for Vi's favorite for my night to pick what we had. Putting on a white t-shirt laundry day ugh. a black jacket, black jeans and my boots and of course both the chains Vi, and Hans got me if I look down I see both the reasons I'm doing this.

Looking at the Cigs sitting on my nightstand, Slipping the pack in my pocket for safety measures of course. Walking out to the kitchen to grab the food packed up. "No cig Yoongi? What's with you? Do we need to go see the therapist? Are the meds working okay?"

Shaking my head, opening the fridge to grab the food wrapped up in a brown bag with Vi written on it with a little fish. "No, I'm fine. Better than ever. Vi is helping me quit. We'll see if it works"

"Well whatever she does tell me, because I needa do it with Hobi"

"Lollipops try it." Throwing a few in his direction.

"But you still have your pack on you?"

"Safety measures Jin. Safety measures."

Grabbing my bike keys, and backpack putting the food bag inside. I gotta hurry there to get to the courthouse for recess time so she can eat. Going to my bike and smiling it's the one other thing that keeps me goin'. My pocket buzzes

Vi: Aquariums???? After this case is closed? May take a few days to win though.

Me: Anything you want Vi, gotta tell Lewis about that win huh?

Vi: Don't bring up my son! I miss him. I'm making money for him. I'll cry if I don't bring home the money he needs for his lettuce. He's my little dinosaur. My own little herbivore. Rawr!

Reading her text makes me laugh, putting my phone in my pocket. Yeah she's the reason I do this and Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay.

Swinging my leg over on my bike, turning the key hearing it purr. Sliding on my helmet, putting on my gloves, kicking the stand, and giving one rev. I'm off to see Vi.

Driving down the road I'm weaving in and out traffic to get there sooner. It's almost time for their recess. Someone flips me off and I raise my hand back and flip them off, I got more important things. Luckily I'm not too far from the courthouse and I get there as recess starts, pull up to the front and I see Vi walking out in black pants suit with black heels on. God her hips are literally everything. Isn't it Illegal to show that much cleavage in a damn courtroom. The way it is tailored to her body curving with her waist. She isn't just a straight road she is a whole fucking backroad leading up to the most captivating view. I'd love to see her curves and mark them as my driveway. Playing with my tongue piercing against my teeth as I watch from a distance. Fuck what I would do to trance her body like the roads I drive everyday. It would be a felony. She'd need to be my lawyer. I'm not one to worship, but for her I'd get on my hands and knees ready to bow down to whatever she says. I have.

I can picture it down tracing my fingers down every little freckle, birthmark, scars, and fuck her stretch marks. Only having peaks here and there never the full view. You might as well dig six feet in the ground and write 'Here lies Min Yoongi the simp for Violet.'

Rein yourself in for fucks sake Yoongi.

She is walking down the stairs with some of her colleagues who are men can't fucking help it, but get jealous. One is holding her elbow so she doesn't fall going down the stairs in the heels they must know how clumsy she is. The jealous side of me takes over, putting my hand on my accelerator and rev my bike intentionally long, and it makes her head snap up from looking at the stairs she is walking down. "Hey! Vi want lunch?" she smiling once she locks eyes with me nodding her head and I hear her colleagues saying-

"Hey who is that?"

"Violet, you know him?"

"You're with a delinquent?"

I see her stop and look at them "you don't even know him and he is not a delinquent first of all. Second of all, why does it matter if I was with him? I think I can make it down the stairs by myself. After this recess I would like to see my respectful colleagues again"

Get em' Vi. Smirking how she stood up for me when she didn't have to. That's right, I'm the one who ends up in her bed at night. Who knows her passcode to her place.

Taking my helmet off and kicking the stand, swinging my leg off my bike and running up the stairs to her to help her down the stairs "There is my miss lawyer. Looks like I may need someone to plead my case, I'm a delinquent have you heard?" she hits my chest and puts her arm through mine so I can help her walk down.

"You know what you're in a suit today let's go" I take off my backpack and hand it to her. She looks me up and down like I'm crazy but still grabs the bag from hand and puts it on. I take a step down so she doesn't have to jump and put my hands around her thighs and pull her forward on my back to carry her down.

She is whisper yelling at me currently as I go down the stairs. "Do you know we're at the courthouse? Min Yoongi I'm a lawyer would you want me to be on your case getting a piggyback ride?"

Continuing down the stairs I gotta come up with something to say back to her quickly. There is a reason I'm not a lawyer. "I'd let you ride me even if you were my lawyer." She slaps my chest "Min Yoongi! I'm at work!"

"Technically you're on my back, is that your work? Because if so it should be the other way around. huh?"

She shuts up and just rests her head on my back yeah that's right accept your fate Vi. Walking past my bike she doesn't even question where I'm taking her. Just happy to get off her feet, her mind is probably dead, and hungry. I know that I hear her stomach grumbling. Walking across the road to the overpass where we used to sit, after she would visit with her dad in jail. I squat down to let her get off my back with ease, grab the backpack straps to let her know to take it off.

I grab her hand and pull her to sit over the edge overlooking the street as the cars pass by, it's another world looking over all the people passing by, going to work, home, school, running errands. We used to always make stories up to where they were going the three of us, not having Hans really changed Vi but also it helped her grow as much as I love my sister. Vi would have been dragged all around town every night during college and would not have been able to finish law school. She takes off her heels, sits them next to her and looks at me. "So Yoon what did you bring me for foodies?'' blinking her eyes like a puppy begging at the kitchen table.

Smiling at her knowing food is the way to her heart I swear sometimes, reaching into my backpack and taking out the bag with her name on it handing it to her. Face lighting up wide eyes as soon as she lands her eyes on the fish drawn in purple.

"Yoon a fish! But where is the other one" she pouted like I did something wrong, licking her lips, going into her pocket and grabbing a pen and drawing another fish in black ink.

"Now that's better Yoon! It's us in another universe see!" Flipping the bag around to show me and I smile nodding my head. I'm addicted to her, I need my fix reaching in my pocket to grab my cigs and she looks at me raising an eyebrow like I lost my mind.

"Excuse me sir, lollipop"making an emphasis on the 'pop' she pulls one out from her pocket and hands it to me. Pineapple. A light smirk rests upon my lips as I think of her tasting like this. When was her last sugar fix? Does the taste linger in her mouth? Like she made home in my utopia. Unwrapping it seeing the pale yellow color it'll do right? Popping it in my mouth the sweetness erupts on my taste buds like a volcano.

Sweet. Sweet. Pineapple.

Taking it out of my mouth, looking her dead in the eyes. "Fine, but why do you have it in your suit pocket, Vi. Is that your guilty little pleasure?" her cheeks turn red and she quickly goes to open her bag I packed for her. That's what I thought putting it back in my mouth. It might become my guilty little pleasure afterall.

But did I just make her blush? No it has to be the weather. She's in a suit and the sun is on us. Yeah that's it.

Looking in the bag and she lights up again like when her eyes met mine. All I ever want to do is make her smile.

"Yoon you packed me my favorite, ugh I love you. Homemade leftover pizza cold, and cuties. I could kiss you I'm stravin' this case is killing me"

Did she just say she would kiss me? Okay my mind is fuckin' with me.

Pineapple. Pineapple. Fucking sweet pineapple.

"Eat up, you deserve it Vi. I know this case is gonna be a tough one"

Pulling out the pizza first and opening the container, setting the bag with the cutie in it next to us. She is happily eating watching the cars swinging her legs back and forth, I could get used to this. "You off today Yoon?" Humming in response I'm off from the shop, reaching for the bag to start peeling the cutie for her. "It's a tough one. Yoon it reminds me of dad being wrongly accused"

"I know Vi but you're so strong and smart you'll get 'em free. Also remind me to come see you in action, because you in a suit is fucking amazing" Its just mindless flirting who doesnt flirt with a friend? Let alone your sister's best friend.

I use this to lighten up the mood and she just smiles overlooking all the cars passing by. "How much longer you got on recess?" Looking down at her watch "uh about fifteen minutes" starting to hand her orange slice by slice she is happily munching on them as I give them to her.

God, how can she look this pretty and let everyone see it. She is absolutely insane. No, I'm absolutely insane. How can I let her out of the house looking this way? She deserves to be treated like a queen and bowed down to. "Do those guys always give you trouble Vi?"

She shakes her head at me "nah they just hit on me and say that women don't belong in this field. It doesn't bother me though" looks like at this company party I'll have to show them their place because they are some misogynistic assholes.

"Vi, let me know if they bother you Kay? No one messes with you. I get their your colleagues and you have to work them but that doesn't give them the right"

She hums in response, nodding her head munching on the last orange slice smiling at me. "I know you're always there for me Yoon" once I give her the last piece of the cutie she reaches into her pocket and takes out a lollipop.

Unwrapping a pineapple lollipop and putting it in her mouth to start to suck on it.

Sweet. Sweet. Pineapple.

"You got that right, Vi by the way the suit fits you. Iit hugs all the right curves to your roadmap, just don't let the map fall into the wrong hands. Like a pirate finding treasure they weren't meant to have. Imma need a fix"

Throwing the stick on the ground that I already finished. Taking her lollipop out her mouth and pointing it at me "Excuse me sir that is littering, no lollipop for you" Fuck it.

"Well then I'm gonna have to steal yours."moving my head and taking her lollipop into my mouth. "Guess I'm a delinquent Vi. I'ma need a lawyer" shrugging as I put one foot up to push myself up to stand. She puts her heels on and tries to do it herself. Of course I need to help her get back up. Why would she try to do it with heels on? As she does get up on two feet her clumsy ass makes us lose our balance and she falls on top of me on the ground.

We both laugh about it and she locks eyes with me. My mouth parts a little with the lollipop in it. She reaches forward and takes it out my mouth. I'm too in shock to protest taking the only thing keeping me sane and she put it in her mouth. "Looks like I'ma need a lawyer too, Yoon."

My stomach feels like there are millions bufferlies trying to escape. I have never felt like this hell she never has had a comeback like that to me. No I'm not like this, I don't want to hurt her like others. I love from a distance for a reason. Why the hell is she finally doing comebacks now? "L-looks like I'am need to go back to college you go waiting another seven years?" and I fucking stutter must be those damn purple butterflies she has planted in me. In my utopia.

Thank you for reading. ₊˚⊹♡

Previous | Next

All rights belong to @/Yoon-Topias. Do not copy/ translate.

[cryptidsurveys]

Friday, August 23rd, 2024.

First thing you touched this morning? Most likely my phone or one of my cats.

Last thing you yelled at? My dad was downstairs sneezin' up a storm yesterday, so I shouted a few "BLESSIN'S!" to him.

Is your car a piece of crap? Nope. It's around sixteen years old, but it still runs beautifully.

What’s something you’re looking forward to in the next 7 days? Visiting the Mountain Park - hopefully next Wednesday or Thursday.

What’s annoying you right now? This damn headache. It's been coming and going since last Wednesday and I'm just so over it! D;

When is the last time you looked in the mirror? After my post-animal shelter shower.

Would you have a long distance relationship with the person you are with now? I'm not in a relationship. In general, I'm not entirely opposed to a temporarily long-distance relationship, but I would make it very clear from the beginning that I'm not going to be the one uprooting my life in order for us to be together.

Who was the last person to make you really mad? Probably my mom during the initial stages of our reconnection. I didn't let her see the full extent of it (I mostly went home and grumbled to my dad about it), but I did eventually speak up and she's been a lot better about certain things since.

Where is the last place you had sex? Home.

Who is the last person you had sex with? A past partner.

Do you enjoy watching porn? No.

What’s your favorite drinking game? I've never played a drinking game.

Do you cry often? I would say regularly but not excessively.

Do you think someone is thinking of you right now? It's definitely possible.

Choose one to have (beer, cigs, or weed)? Cigarettes. An unfortunate habit I still haven't kicked. I quit smoking weed several years ago; the few times I smoked after that left me feeling dizzy, so I don't think I'll ever go back to it. And when it comes to alcohol, I have to be careful because it's very much a slippery slope. I try to keep it to rare/special occasions only.

Do you wish on stars? I wished on 11:11 earlier because I just want this headache to go awaaayyy.

Are you a big flirt? No.

What is the most disgusting prank you’ve ever done? Probably those stupid prank phone calls I made when I was a kid. It was the one and only time I was ever grounded for something, lmao. I was totally out of hand.

What would you do if you became pregnant? Ugh.

When did you last make out with someone? Was it good? Years ago.

Do you like your body? I've been pretty happy with it lately. It's becoming increasingly toned due to animal shelter work, and the way I carry myself is changing too. I'm starting to look more laidback and confident instead of hunched and anxious.

Are you a likeable person? Yeah.

Who did you dream of last night? I don't remember last night's dreams. I'm also falling so behind on my dream journal… Maybe later I'll try to jot down any recent fragments I can recall.

Whose body do you wish you had? I'm fine with my body. I just wish it didn't get so many migraines. Or ANY migraines.

What is the first thing you are going to do when you get home? I am at home. I showered. Then I laid in bed for a bit and listened to a YouTube video.

When is the last time you saw your mom? Yesterday. My parents and I went out for lunch at Pizza Ranch.

Have you ever been so in love, you wanted to get married? Yeah. Lol that yearning feels so unserious now. I truly loved those people, but I was so naive.

Did you get lucky on prom night? I didn't go to prom.

Is there a song that makes you cry? There are songs that have that potential.

Are you normally a horny person? No. I'm actually afraid of that feeling.

Where is your self-esteem from 1 (low) to 10 (high)? It's pretty decent. I'd give it a 6.5.

What color are your eyes? Hazel.

Plans for tonight? Just chillin'.

Plans for the weekend? Volunteering. I think Saturday will be a full day and Sunday might (?) be a half day - it just depends on who's going to be there. If they're short staffed, then I'll probably stay all day.

[toburnup]

i saw that you were taking questions about the most recent eddie chapter and that you had to scrap a few little moments, i was wondering if you had anything from the part in chapter 9 where eddie and steve are outside of the bar smoking? K THANKS LOVE YOU

THIS IS FROM A MONTH AGO i'm so sorry, i'm so fucking far behind on my messages.

but!! i looked through past drafts, and yes, i did have a bit for this scene that i ended up scrapping!! keep that in mind as you read it, lol. the '____' was just a note for me to go back and find the exact wording i'd used when eddie first tells steve he can't jack off.

iylo outtake (?) below:

Steve sways heavily against the bricks, stares at him with an openness that makes Eddie focus on his cigarette. Steve leans in and tries to catch his eye.

"Secret for a secret?"

Eddie muffles a sound, says, "Not fair. You owe me one. A really good one."

Steve gives him a smile that's on the brink of being mocking, says, "Do I?"

Eddie closes the gap, lets Steve take the brunt of the cold.

"Yes, you do."

Still owes him for the _____

"Fine, lemme think," Steve says, but his eyes are drifting all over Eddie's face, down to the cig. He hands it over to Steve and watches him smoke, and Eddie thinks he must be nasty as fuck, because he just wants Steve against the wall.

It's a good thing Eddie likes the taste of smoke, because Steve gently exhales and it drifts right over to him. He's leaning in close.

"You said... you said you don't like to think about it. What we did in Hawkins. After you left, I couldn't stop thinking about it," Steve pauses, doesn't look embarrassed. Says it all plainly. "I didn't pick this place out of a hat."

Eddie blinks. The idea of Steve moving here because of him sounds ridiculous, too far-fetched to be real.

"Christ, Steve."

Steve straightens up, voice turning inward. "And maybe that's hard for you to—"

Eddie jumps when the door crashes open behind him, makes his vision flash. It's someone he recognizes from inside and Eddie flushes, annoyed that he and Steve weren't even caught doing anything. Just fucking talking.

Steve's still looking at him like he's waiting for the words to sink in. Eddie shakes his head, knows if he thinks about it too hard, he'll get upset. Get honest. Start telling Steve that some part of him (the stupid, hopeful part) wished that he moved here for Eddie in the first place.

"I can't... talk about this with you. Not now," He adds, figures putting a thumbtack in it and leaving it on the wall between them is better than nothing.

[pralinesims]

i adore your content so much ♥

12 22 and 25 for vale and aaron

Ahh this is so sweet of you, thank you a LOT!! <3

Do they have any sense of style? Regardless of the answer do they believe they have a sense of style?

In his younger years he liked to wear really gothy pieces, now as an adult his style is similar, but he toned it down a bit and mostly prefers it simple. Though he still doesn't wear any colors except black. Usually the maximum amount of "color" he tolerates is white. Besides that, he's a fan of mixing elegant pieces with grungy ones. For example, whenever he has to wear a suit, he usually combines it with combat boots. About his own opinion, he'd probably say that he's just wearing what he likes.

Would they ever betray someone for money?

I feel like he wouldn't mind too much if he'd cross someone who's not much worth to him, but Vale's also not a person who's motivated by money, so I'd still rule it out.

Do they have a daily/nightly routine?

Morning routine: Wakes up and just lays in bed for a few minutes. If he's done with lying around, he goes to the toilet. After pissing, usually he grabs a coffee and smokes a cig while watching news on the TV. When he's done with his breakfast, he's getting ready (showering, brushing teeth, etc) in the bathroom & prepares for the day. Nightly routine: On workdays, it's really similar to his morning routine, just that it happens at a much later time.

Do they have any sense of style? Regardless of the answer do they believe they have a sense of style?

Well, he wears everything... I think experimental & a bit of sporty streetstyle would describe the best, but that's not all he's buying or wearing. He doesn't shy away from unique clothing pieces or weird color combinations. But he also likes sleek clothes a lot, so it's mostly a mood thingy. Also he's always proudly emphasizing that he doesn't have a style, cause in his opinion, having one destroys the self expression, creates a fear of fabric (??) and limits the potential of stumbling upon a piece one might look good in.

Would they ever betray someone for money?

I think he wouldn't actually dare to, but the possibility definitely IS there lol.

Do they have a daily/nightly routine?

Morning routine: First thing he does when waking up is checking his phone and notifications, scrolling through all apps he's active on. Sometime later he's feeding his cats, but he'd probably get up way later if he wouldn't have to provide them with food. After that, he's getting ready in the bathroom, and when he's done with everything (peeing, showering, brushing teeth, etc) he prepares & eats his breakfast. After that, he's just vibing. Nightly routine: It's different every night, as he doesn't really have a fixed job schedule, cause being a YouTuber (content creator 😌💅✨ as he calls it) is his source of income, so it's completely changing up his nights, depending on the videos he's producing.

[odyssej]

Dreamt an old high school classmate had just passed away from his alcoholism. It wasn't even someone I talked to at all, and he's the last person I'd expect to even touch a drop. But before this I kept thinking how Dr. Wanless should have Isaac (which my classmate was called) for a first name, and Morton can then be his middle. That way it'd read, Dr. I. M. Wanless. I deliberately chose this surname for its meaning: hopelessness; despair - there's even a debate that it could very well mean "free of sadness" actually. It could also be spelt as Wandless, hence "I am wandless". Much like how his patient, Ernst, thinks to finally let go of his conductor baton.

Anyway, I've been still very burnt out, obviously. Had to nap for a couple hours, this time dreaming of a rando, maybe American, in his shorts, white socks and sandals, with a white cap covering curly black hair down to his ears, Laying about morosely in his camping chair, on the lawn, and when he went for a smoke break inside his van, it seemed he used an e-cigarette (in fact he'd made his own business selling these), forest green with "MYSTERIOUS" printed on it. I saw stacks and stacks of it. Perhaps he wasn't having a good time 'cause people thought his cigs were crap.

When he went to lay in his chair again, a blonde little girl skipped over to him, and he scooped her up. Probably his daughter. He asked her how she was able to remember so many memories at her tender age, and she simply brought out this toy wand, with quite a few colourful buttons and a bubblelike globe on the top. "If you press this, and this, and this, you will remember what you want to remember."

I felt like the dad here - already that seemed easier said than done. But he still smiled, and took her back to the house. And then I woke up, still groggy as heck but cooked dinner. For once I felt normal.

Despite dreaming of depressed people doing depressing things.

[crowleys-hips]

i did something similar. i heard him talk about this, and i went, yknow what. i'm not gonna quit. i'm just gonna take a break. if i ever wanna go back, the cigs are there in my drawer. so i told myself, i'll just give it a 3 day break. and then when those days were up i said, ok just a few more days. the cigs are still there, it's ok. then around 3 weeks went by, and i was like, fuck it, i need a cig, so i got one. it made me nauseous. i haven't smoked since.

i also did this with s/h. i used to do it almost every day, and at first when i wanted to quit, i'd throw the blade away. only to get whatever sharp object within reach the next day. so then i kept clean ones, and first aid stuff. i'd still do it, but do it somewhat "responsibly." then i slowly did it less and less, while still keeping everything at hand, just in case the urge and overwhelming self hatred was too much and i caved. eventually -and i mean months and years- i kinda just. didn't do it as often anymore. like maybe a whole month would go by and i wouldn't notice. and then i have no idea how, but then i went whole months without doing it. i never really made it my goal to quit, i just thought to myself "you need to chill for a bit." so i did. eventually. this probably isn't super sound advice or the inspirational speech of the decade, because uh. last time i s/h was like 2 months ago, but before that i had gone about a year without doing it.

i also struggle with alcohol a lot. that's been the hardest one to quit. but i've learned that quitting cold turkey has never worked for me, or even telling myself that i'm gonna quit, because then i'll hyperfocus on not doing the thing, which inevitably makes me think of it more and i end up doing it more. instead, i just tell myself that if i still need it, it's there. but that it's also okay to not do it. that i don't have to listen to all my impulses. but that if i do, it's okay. i don't condemn myself for my instincts anymore, and that's been quite liberating. i still fuck up, but at least i don't hate myself as much as i used to for it.

anyway, that got long, sorry for rambling. that just really struck a chord with me. ok hugs to all bye

What was the biggest lifestyle change you made for health's sake? Was it quitting cigarettes?

In terms of life span, yes, it would have been giving up smoking in 1993.

[acozysoulwrites]

He can’t dance | B.H

Description: Billy Hargrove asks you to go to the snowball dance, but he can only take so much of it before he's ready to bail, so you dance to a couple of songs and end up driving out of Hawkins to stargaze after.

Warnings: cursing, spicy, not smut

His blue jean jacket lays loosely over my bare shoulders. When I breathe in I can smell the slightest remanence of smoke, weakly covered by a ton of cologne. It smells like home.

Billy stares into the stars blankly, I can't read his expression right now, not like I usually can. He takes a long drag of his cig, turning his head away from me as he exhales.

"You have fun tonight?"

I blink, bringing myself out of my head. It's rare that he starts the conversation. It's usually me scraping the corners of my mind just to get him to speak to me for more than a few minutes. He's been so withdrawn ever since that night. I get sick thinking about it.

I nod, wrapping his jacket tighter around my chest. "Yeah, I did," I say softly, glancing at him.

"Okay"

I chew my bottom lip nervously, "Did you?" I dare to ask, inching closer to him, our shoulders touch and he turns, looking at me suddenly.

He's silent for a minute, and I think that maybe I've asked too much.

"I can't dance" He speaks, frowning back to the sparkling sky.

He can't dance? That's not what I remember. I smile to myself, remembering Billy's eyes the moment he let the music take over. How free and colorful he looked, how he spun me around, how we owned that corner of the gym to ourselves, how it was just me and him in that huge place.

"You did a pretty good job" I laugh, my heart is still racing. I'd never seen him in such a ... normal... state before.

I get lost in my thoughts when it goes quiet again.

Suddenly he rolls onto his elbow, now towering over me.

"Billy?"

I watch, frozen to the hood of the Camaro, his bigger figure blocking out all light of the moon from my face. When he leans over me and his lips brush against mine. Everything stops.

"Why the fuck do you make me feel like this?" He asks, he sounds angry and desperate, but really, he's just confused as to why he's feeling any other emotion besides anger or emptiness. My heart clenches as he eyes me with longing, confused eyes.

He hesitates from kissing me, pulling back so that he can see my face again. "I don't like it" he whispers as his fingers run along my face. It's like he's studying me, trying to find any explanation as to why he wants more from me than a casual fuck every now and then.

"You sure about that?" I ask, glancing down. I trail my hand down his chest and stomach, stopping at his jeans loop.

He groans "Stop it", but his tone isn't demanding, not how it usually is, telling me everything I need to know to keep going. He doesn't want me to stop, we both know that.

"You know that you're the prettiest fucking boy I've ever seen?" I ask, my fingers sliding just inside the top of his jeans.

"What?" He chokes, his voice lowering to a whimper.

"You heard me, god Billy if I could show you how you look in my eyes..."

His emotions are everywhere, so instead of remaining calm, Billy does what he does best.

"Just shut up" He begs, grabbing my hand from his hip and pinning it above my head.

"You're so fuckin pretty in my jacket" He whispers, kissing my neck.

I don't bother trying to get the sensitive side of him back, he's gone for tonight. Now, all that's left to do is watch Billy. He's all worked up, tired from a night of horrible dancing, and overstimulated with compliments. His hair becomes damp from the heavy thick air and I can't stop staring.

-

(Literally what is the ending, anyways idk this is just another drabble of how mad Billy drives me sorry)

[lilacwineandthesinkingsun]

The sequel of your dreams

AN: just a little something something

Pairing: Joseph Quinn x Reader; Billy x reader (ex)

Most of the time you would become good friends with your fellow actors, you thought this time wouldn't be any different, and that was the mindset you walked in with. The fans loved Eddie Munson's character in Stranger Things, that with a small company they decided to make a sequel, starring him, and you, as a love interest. It was kind of a walk in past times, as you had to play a character that was mostly comparabe to Blondie, or like Patti Smith. On the first day you walked in set, a few people rushed towards you, knowing you from before. Getting ready was smooth as ever, you laughed a lot.

You were shooting a scene where you were home alone, writing your new album drinking and smoking away when Joseph stepped into the set. He couldn't keep his eyes off of you as you played the part of the maneater-femme fatale 80's singer of Eddie's dreams. In the scene you're supposed to burn the skin of your breast with your cigarette cause of being so drunk you'd almost pass out. Except, the make-up team had forgot to install a patch of latex to protect your real skin, and the take was going too fell for you to just start again... So you indeed burned yourself. The next scene was you in the morning, head aching, skin hurting cause of the burn, in your underwear, laying on the couch as you boyfriend, Billy barges in, drunken, cigarette in his mouth, lipstick stain on the collar of his shirt.

You looked at eachother without saying a word, then he just went to the bedroom, shutting the door. The camera zoomed in, showing off your tear stricken eyes, swirling emotions in them, as if you weren't acting, as if this was real life. Joseph stood behind the camera in awe. How were you not a superstar yet. Your talent surpassed his in every way.

He had a reputation of a player, i mean.. c'mon he's from the UK, the accent, the looks... He could get anyone he wanted, and he did most of the time. It wasn't a problem, you met your fair share of actor like him, you knew exactly how to manouver around to keep your heart in-tact, and still be friendly.

When you finished the take, your assistant ran to you with a floor lenght robe to put around your body. You knew you looked bomb, but you were shy as hell in real life. Acting was another thing, you were in a completely different mindset there. You took a cup of coffee and went outside to smoke. WHen you stepped outside, he was already there. Oh.. the usual, i didn't knew you smoke play.. you smiled to yourself as he took his zippo lighter out, to light your cigarette.

-You were amazing in there. - he stated, looking you in the eye.

-Thanks. Cigarette burns still suck though. - you said snickering before taking a drag.

-It's just a patch of latex.. what is there to snicker about sweetheart? - he smiled at you and you were sure your heart will stop if you'll need to film the hot and bothered scenes with him.

-Yea.. it's supposed to be a patch of latex, but they forgot to put it on.. The taxe went too well to let it go to waist. I'll survive, and it will be more believable on the scenes. - you shrugged before putting out your cig, and head inside to continue.

You had put on black stockings, a jean short, and a ruined, cropped, band-tee. It was time to film a concert scene. This was where Eddie first saw you. Nothing major.

You were always dead set on singing on the scene yourself. YOur voice was captivating, with the essence of the early punks. As if you were made for this role.

The shock on Joseph's face wasn't an act as he heard you. Cameras capturing his face lit up, eyes sparkling as the world around you two faded. Billy's smiling face came into view. Standing beside him, both looking at you.

-Pretty thing huh? -he asked Eddie, and all he could do is nod, looking at you mesmerized.

-You know.. i'd share her with ya.. let's have some fun after the concert.. - Billy said with a wicked smile.

After it was over, you were next to the bar, talking to some of your friends, when Billy walked up to you putting a hand around your shoulders, making you flinch.

-Hey biscuit. Great one. Wanna have some fun with me in the back? -he whispered.

You couldn't say no. You held on to the smallest moments of kindness from him, even when you knew he did nothing but hurt you. Wether is was his hand, his words, or the cheating.

He led you into the back stage, where Eddie sat nervously on the couch. Your eyes glistened with tears as you saw another man waiting for you there. This wasn't about loving, and your fun.. This was about his dire need to still control you... To show that he still controlled you.

-Honey.. this is Eddie, and he was quite mesmerized with you out there... I though you could give him some more... - he smiled at you wickedly.

-Pl...please no.. - tears escaped your eyes, as you whispered.

Eddie's heart broke at the sight. Anger risen in him as he pushed Billy up the wall.

-You never deserved her you know that right? - he asked, face so close Billy could feel the spit flying on his face cause of his anger. He punched Billy, before kneeing him in the crotch still holding him up the wall.

-You'll leave her alone from now on, or you'll wish you did. - he said as he let Billy fall to the floor in pain. He looked at you, crouching next to you, handing you his phone to put your number in.

-If he'll ever bother you again, you call me, understand? - you just nod. With that he left.

You went home, not caring about your asshole of a boyfriend.. or ex boyfriend you should say.

You were basically punched awake the next morning. You knew you were no match, so you just let him take out his anger on you.. again. You already knew it will be hard to make the bruises disappear with makeup, but you'll try anyway. The only thing keeping you going is singing. Your guitarist calls you to tell you he came up with a high fever and won't be able to perform tonight, but he got a friend who'll step in.

That night, you tried your best to hide the limping, the fact that you couldn't even stand straight, your busted lip, and the numerous dark bruises you had all over.

You had succesfully hidden them for the most part, slowly getting up on stage, only to find Eddie smirk at you. You gave him a little nod, and started the performance.

After the concert he found you in your dressing room, drinking yourself to death.

-Woah sweetheart slow down.. - he said as he took the bottle from your hands. -What's wrong?

-Nothing. Mustering up the courage to go home. - you said as you started to took your makeup off, revealing all the bruises on your face, making his eyes go wild.

-You can't go there. I won't let you. - he walked up to your back, looking in your eyes over the mirror.

-There is nothing you can do to keep him away. My drunkard father sold me to him for what.. like 10 bottles of whiskey.. - you scoffed as you tried to touch your face, whincing from the pain.

-Come home with me. Promise not to do anything. Won't even look at you if you don'T want me to.- he smiled at you sadly.

-I can't have you get beaten up too Ed. - you turned to look at him.

-Tsk, as if.. c'mon, let's get you some spare clothes, and i'll show you my empire. - he said, as he gently took your hand.

These were hard scenes to film. Between takes Dacre always went up to you, making sure you knew this was just an act, and that he liked you very very much. You were laughing, snorting at something he said, when Joseph walked in, his eyes lit up as he heard you laugh.

-Hey Joseph, come, you need to hear this. - you giggled as you waved him over.

-Dacre says he needed to imagine us all naked so he'd won't be so nervous fake hitting me. - you laughed, fighting the tears. - can you imagine...

He raised an eyebrow while smirking - Well i mean.. i imagine you naked all the time... -he said before winking at you as you rolled your eyes.

-I'm immune to your british charm Joseph. - you laughed.

The next scene you had to film was one where you make a move on Eddie. It was quite a big jump from the deer-in-the-headlights characteristic you had, but well.. it was a movie. You nursed your coffee in your robe, only having skin coloured panties underneath and some small nipplepatches.

Eddie sat in an armchair in the corner of his room, as you walked up to him in your robe, straddling his legs, putting oyur hands around his neck, kissing him as he smirked into it.

-See something you like? - you asked him, as he used his hands to untie your robe. The cameras were behind you, so as the robe fell to the ground, you looked completely naked in his lap.

-I think i do.. - he said as he kissed your neck. It wasn't a fake kiss you usually used, it was verym uch real, and very much had an effect on you. Not to mention his hands holding your hips, making you grind on him. He nipped on your earlobe, so he could whisper something to you that only you heard.

-See the mess you've made?... I think my charms are working doll.. - as he continued his attack. The director said CUT, and you practically jumped off of him, as he smirked looking at your perfect ass.

The next scene was Eddie and you in the forest, out on a walk. He wanted to show you something. He looked nervous, and also kind of predatory as he circled you on a little clearing.

-I don't what to say Ed.. I'm too broken.. I can't trust anyone.. Couldn't possibly ask you to put up with that.. - you said looking down at your feet. At this point your character was madly in love with him, but knew she wasn't good enough for him. It would only take some time till he left her.

Josephs character was angry. And it seemed kind of genuine.

-I'd wait a thousand years if it meant you'd be mine at the end... Look, i even... i even had a tattoo made. - he showed you his chest. You looked at him with tear stricken eyes. Oh god how he would love to see those tears when you begged him to let you cum. He had to adjust himself, as your soft fingers traced along the fake tattoo on his chest before he leant down to kiss you. It wasn't a fake kiss either. But he knows you'd let him do anything as long as it's for the good take. From the other side where the cameras and the crew couldn't see, you palmed him, whispering to his lips.

-Two can play that game Quinn. - before hearing the director say CUT, as you immediately stepped back, and went to your trailer.

There was this pent up tension between the two of you, and it was hard not to act on it. But you had to control yourself for the sake of your heart, so you constricted it to the small flirting on set, in secret. That gave a plus thrill to it.

That night the crew went out for drinks to a nearby bar. You were dancing with your friend from the make-up team, while Dacre and Joseph were watching you from a booth.

-You really like her don't you? - Dacre asked as he took a swing from his bottle. Joseph just swinging his whiskey around in the glass.

-Well.. she drives me crazy for sure.. - he chuckled.

-Tell me.. i used to flirt with her back then when we were shooting ST, and somehow she turned it around and we've been best friends since. - he laughed looking at you fondly. -Never seen the shit she's doing to you though...

-Well not as she gives me a single thought outside of scenes.. - Joseph scoffed.

-She had her heart broken when she started out. Guy took advantage of her being a rookie and mixing up life and act. Never seen her with someone that way ever since..

-Hmm..

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

You were so drunk you didn't realize that instead of Dacre it was Joseph who took you back to the trailer. You were mumbling and talking as if you were talking to a friend.

-I like him you know... - you slurred your words. - he makes me feel all kinds of funny.. stupid british..

-It's alright hun. he wouldn't hurt ya. - he said in a low voice as he took off your shoes, you already sitting on your bed.

-How could you know Dacre?.. cmon.. - you asked as you grabbed his hand. -PJ party? - you asked with little pouty lips. He laughed. This will be fun in the morning.

-Well i know him, he's head over heels for ya.. - he said as you slapped his chest playfully.

-I know you're trying to set something up here my dear friend, but i'm sad to tell you that he avoids me outside of the scenes. I think he just does these things to make the scenes more believable.. - you said before laying your head on his chest. You were soon asleep.

You woke up with a splitting headache, and something heavy around you. As you slowly turned, careful not to wake whoever was behind you. God you hoped it's Dacre. Your eyes went wide when you met Josephs smiling face.

-Fuck, fuck fuck. -you said as you started to walk up and down in your trailer holding your head in your hands. - We didn't.. ? right?

-No sweetheart.. you thought i was Dacre. Surprised at the secrets you're willing to tell him though... - he smirked.

-Oh jesus.. forget whatever i said.. - you were blushing in emberassment. He stood up, smoothing hands over your upper arms.

-I wouldn't wanna do that sweetheart. -he whispered. -And just so you know, i do those things cause i want to, not cause i want to make our scenes better.. - he smirked before he left your trailer, leaving you standing there, dumbfounded.

After a few scenes, it has come to another smutty one. Gosh this sequel was nothing but soft porn for his fans. You were drinking wine in his bare lit kitchen, as he cornered you, one hand on each of your side, your back to the counter in the middle. He was so close you could feel his breath on your lips.

No words were exchanged, so he didn't have any other way of talking to you, except for touches. It was a slow burn. His fingers traced the hem of your hellfire shirt, you cut to make it a crop top. Goosebumps rising wherever his fingers went, making your breathing become ragged. He softly nudged your nose with his, before softly kissing you. He surely wanted to make you dizzy you thought.. Two can play the game though, your hands snaked under his shirt, feeling his muscles flex, and unseen for the cameras, you scratch his sides lightly, making him almost growl into your mouth. He puts his hands under your butt, to hop you on top of the counter, deepening the kiss., before getting rid of your shirt and his too. Soon, he kisses your neck, while unclasping your bra, holding you close. His other hand slowly inches up your thigh, under your skirt. It is unseen by the cameras, but you have to make it look like he's fingering you. Which he nearly did, he opted for slowly circling your aching nub through the thin fabric of your panties, making you whimper into his mouth, earning a smirk from him. He did make you dizzy. You forgot you were currently shooting. He snaked a finger around your panties moving them aside, carefully, one finger slowly entering you. He acted as if he was kissing your neck, but he was just whispering against your soft flesh.

-Gonna be a good girl for me (Y/n)? - and you just nod, whimpering. His other hand squeezed your thigh, and you didn't know how, but you were already fluttering around his finger, making him chuckle a little bit, before sucking a hickey to your neck.

-aaaand CUT, good job everybody.- the director shout, and he stepped back, leaving you groaning in frustration, eyes blown black with lust. You hopped off of the counter, practically running to your trailer. You couldn't be more glad that this was it for today. You all but ripped off the clothes from you, standing under your shower. You needed to get release, and you needed it now.

After you were done, you put a towel around yourself, walking out only to find him laying on your bed with that shit eating grin on his face.

-You need to stop doing this Joseph. - you said as your eyes filled with tears. He shot up from your bed, pulling you into a hug as you started to cry.

-Jesus, I'm sorry sweetheart. I.. yesterday you said... fuck.. i'm so sorry. I thought you wanted it too. - he said as he caressed the back of your head, effectively keeping you from looking him in the eye.

-The worst thing is that i do want it.. i just.. i cant keep being my co-stars current little plaything.. i can't...

-You're not a plaything.. I genuenly want you.. not until we finish shooting, not only in front of the camera... I want to hold you (Y/n), i want to wash your hair for you when you're tired, i want to know your favourite food, and how you drink your café. I want to kiss every part of you that you love or hate. I want you...

-You... you want me? - you asked, finally being able to look up at him, but his arms never left you.

He cupped your cheeks, before looking you in the eye .

-I want you, only you. - he said before kissing you softly. It wasn't for the cameras, it was for you. Only you.

[alwaysthesitter]

The last person he had been expecting to have this sort of conversation with was Billy Hargrove. Though Steve did everything in his own power not to show his emotions, to hide himself from others, he didn't have a wall up nearly like the younger man. Still, he was starting to recognize that him and Billy hid their emotions for entirely opposite reasons. Billy, it seemed, was doing it to protect himself - look out for number one, so to speak. Steve, well, he did it because he never wanted to burden or worry others in terms of his own bullshit.

If he was going to have this conversation, he needed a fucking cigarette. He didn't carry a pack all that often now, again, protecting others. Not wanting the kids to ever see him smoking and role model after him when they clearly looked up to him so much. Dating Nancy had also forced him to kick the habit a little, but in times of high stress he would often turn to the cancer stick. "Got a cig?" He asked, holding out his hand before the other answered, because he knew Billy well enough. He'd been Billy at one point, to some extent.

"Yeah, I really loved her." He finally stated once he'd gotten the nicotine fix, lighting up the cigarette and bringing it to his lips, pulling out a drag and blowing out as he stared up at the sky with a shrug of non-chalance. "Thought I'd marry her at one point. Have a family. I'd never felt that for anyone else in my life. And can't say that I have since, either." He had thought maybe he could get that way with Robin, see her as more than just a girl to flirt with, but well....that had happened.

He listened to the curly haired male, brown eyes blinking as he attempted to focus, taking drags of the stick between his fingers every so often. Blinking a few times, he shook his head, snorting out a slight laugh. "Dude, half that shit just went totally over my head." He waved his hand a bit - he knew he was slow, he knew his brain didn't catch up often, he'd been told more than enough. "But I can tell you, from what I'm hearing, that sounds like a lonely life."

His found family were everything to him. He didn't know where he would be without them, or if he'd even still be here if he were being honest. "I think that's something else that would be worse than dying to me. Loneliness." He felt it every day, waking up in a house that his parents hardly occupied. It consumed him. He couldn't imagine making that his entire personality trait. "I think some people are worth the risk."

He had heard rumors and seen the aftermath. It was quite the gossip of Nancy arriving with Steve but leaving with someone else entirely. The trail of that heartbreak was one everyone's lips. Heartache had seemingly been the reason he had lost his throne. But truthfully, Billy doesn't fully understand it—he'd rather die than give anyone that power over him, allow his vulnerabilities and soft underbelly to be shown to anyone with the ability to gut him.

Disappointment and hurt was a fucking bitch, that was something Billy could attest to. He knew of the type of hurt Steve probably had felt. That shit was debilitating. And after that experience Billy had hardened. Nothing else was allowed to break down his heart's armor. He couldn't afford that—especially, right now.

"You really loved her then?" He's not asking to be cruel despite how it may seem. He's curious. 'Cause he's pushed all those sorts of things from himself. He was always focused just on survival. Nothing else managed to slip through. At least, not often.

There was shit that hurt more than death out there. Spoken from experience and knowledge. However, all he had was his life. It was the one thing Billy was grasping onto so fiercely. He had hope that nothing else was permanent as dying, eventually capable of getting better and becoming something he could manage to stomach.

Without hope, Billy was certain he might be in the same boat as Steve who was seeing things quite bleak. Or so it seemed. What the fuck did he know? He had managed to survive and get strength from a kid who had decided to show him kindness when he had done nothing to warrant it or deserve it. That had touched some wretched and rotting part of his soul, making this second chance all the more important to him.

"Almost dying kinda put shit into perspective for me." He says softly, almost out of character from how normally he is. Not so awful. A bit more earnest. Far more vulnerable than he'd like but Steve seemed to need it. "Other people are variables we cannot control. If I get too attached to the outcomes of other people I am going to be disappointed 'cause that's just what people do. Can only rely on yourself, depend on yourself, and in the end trust your heart in your own hands. It's stupid as fuck 'cause we shouldn't have to. Sometimes... we just want someone else to be there and take a bit of the pressure off... but no one sticks around for long."

[forbidding-souda]

omg i just crawled out of hell istg 😭

this is rin btw.

but i got so sick last week... your girl (feeling feminine lately) had walking pneumonia, a uti, and a week long migraine at the same time. i was suffering 😭

but i am BACK and feeling OKAY. my body still feels like a noodle but at least my pain's gone 😭

have you been alright??? do you have any gossip on hand that you're comfy to tell?? 👀

also remember to take care of yourself and eat and drink and take your meds and all that good stuff, you amazing, beautiful motherfucker :)

DAMN THAT SOUNDS CRAZY ASF..... I'm happy you're feeling better. And I HAVE been taking my meds mwahaha. I was partying like all weekends for the last three weeks and I'd start taking my meds at like wack ass inconsistent times and it was poopoo because it just made my anxiety go out of the roof it was so disabling I hated it.

Gossip below the cut

If you want to hear about gossip I can talk about the lore between me and the scene. Basically I was in the talking stage with this one guy who is in the most popular band and we were like goofy friends / flirting like cray and then one day we both just stopped LMFAO it was just random like I think we were busy or didn't have time to talk tbh i don't remember /srs. And then like a few weeks later my best best friend in the scene was like you won't believe this... I'm dating [him] and sent photos of them together I was like oh my fucking god (and very very many months ago they were like "remember when I said I had a crush on him" and tbh I completely forgot I was like oops). It gets better / worse. So they're like a very happy couple and they're hella cute tbh it's amazing but they keep making jokes about how he's straight dating a bi androgynous girl and I'm like ooohhhhh my god she doesn't know he was just talking to a guy. He never told her we were talking btw. I'm like gosh. It's been five months since they got together and me and her have been hanging out more, especially since her birthday was like two weeks ago... and he was there... and I think it was the first time he's spoken to me since we stopped talking (GoOD, obviously) and it was when my friend wasn't with us. And it freaked me out: I've decided I hate talking to him without my friend there. I was also in line at one of his shows four days ago and he was talking to his friends before walking backstage again and he specifically said hi to me and only me I was like oh my fucking god I'm gonna kill myself.

Anyway at that show ^ me and my husband talked in public for like ? the first time. He's in one of the popular bands. There was a girl following him around like the entire time and it was stressing me out because they went outside for a second but I wasn't about to follow him and they were just smoking I was like word. NO ALSO YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY, a few weeks ago the band members had like a joke conference thing and afterwards I gave the singer of my husbands band a bag of chips bc he was hungry and I was high off my motherfucking ass and I was just standing there as they were talking like :) where it would have been awkward but I was too high to realize IT WAS SO FUNNY. The singer of his band is like lowkey rude but I think that's just because we're acquaintances now and I'm not just like a random fan. The drummer of his band is such a sweetheart he is like the most amazing person ever I hung out with him the most at the birthday party. I've never met the bassist or even hung out with him before he's so mysterious (and my best friend from since middle school has a crush on him so I'm like hmmmmmm).

Also at the birthday party on of the guys from another band was like ??? flirting with me I think ??? he let me finish his cig and shit and when (we were at the beach btw) I laid down on my stomach he was like "your tattoo is so pretty" as if it's not a basic ass tattoo. It's on my shoulder and it's like a classic outline of a old-style clown. We'd also smile at each other and whenever someone would tell a joke he'd look directly at me. Tbh I'm forgetting if there was everything else but. The crazy part about this is it's one of my friends ex so I'm wondering if he's being nice because he's seen us together (which that part is not an assumption, he has seen us together before) ???. Idk I texted her about it and she was like that's weird asf and he was probably flirting with you but I don't want to associate with him and I assured her that she is more important and I'm not gonna do nothing and then five minutes later I was like can I smoke his cigs though and she was like yes I respect that grind. LMFAO he just let me smoke one yesterday.

This isn't gossip it's me gushing but this really attractive friend of mine that I'm taking to shows as if he isn't like a white boy from UC Berkeley and he is such an extrovert he will walk up to random people and introduce himself and talk to them and !!! whenever he did he would tell people about me and bring them over to meet me and when he does he uses she/her on me and I swear to god when I first heard him say that it felt as if sunshine rained down on me. I hope I didn't stare at him with stars in my eyes because that's what it felt like. That's all LOL.

[kiwikyuu]

━━━━ 𝐡𝐪 𝐛𝐨𝐲𝐬 𝐚𝐬 𝐩𝐢𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞𝐬 𝐢 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐧 𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐭

word count 1.08k

genre headcanon ; fluff

warning(s) mentions of alcohol & cigarette & pot use, fist fights, characters are aged up, cursing, not edited

a/n i don't wanna be showing favorites but this one is going to be longer than the others.. the third years <3 just have a special place in my heart. also i'm pretty sure oikawa's right picture is doyoung from nct lmaooo oops

inarizaki version / nekoma version

aoba johsai version / o. tooru, i. hajime, m. issei, h. takahiro

oikawa is such a menace like this man will say let's go on a study date and then only take pictures for his social media and pull you away to ikea or somewhere

but imagine boyfriend oikawa driving to ikea with one hand on the wheel one hand on your thigh and glancing over to you every so often because he can't help but think he's so lucky to have you as an s/o

at ikea he'll point out all the furniture he'd get if he could for his your future house and if they have volleyballs in the store they probably do right? you'll almost get kicked out because oikawa started a game with the youger kids in the store but he's a smooth talker and he apologizes and promises not to do it again liar

and then after your date you drag him back to the cafe to actually study. a lot of people think he's not the brightest but oikawa is a perfectionist and he's actually almost close to the top of his class iwaizumi is first

he'll help you with your studies and tease you the way he does casually poking at the fact that you're really asking him for help when you don't usually. but when it comes down to it he'll break down all the problems for you and be really soft tutoring you to help you

and at the end of the day when he's driving you home he'll give you a kiss goodnight before you leave him and wait till you're inside your house before driving off because that's the type of boyfriend oikawa is and expect a call when he gets home lol

iwaizumi is an absolute babe and let's be real.. everyone on campus either wants him or wants to be him but ding! ding! he's very much not single and he's very much upfront about the fact that he's only got eyes for you his wonderful s/o

boyfriend iwaizumi will be the type of boyfriend to take you on spontaneous day trips but not really spontaneous because he'll make sure your schedule is clear and take you sight seeing and on random fun adventures like if y'all are near the water he'll take you on a boat ride or if y'all are near fields he'll take you on a nice stroll idk

but anyway if you guys can drive there iwaizumi like oikawa will be the type of driver to have one hand on the wheel one hand on your thigh and he'll definitely be the guy to do that thing where he backs up the car with an arm behind your chair while he's looking back do y'all know what i mean or am i making no sense lmaoo

boyfriend iwaizumi looks like a monster of a man because he's got huge biceps and he's tall and intimidating but when you're next to him whether it be on a day trip with just the two of you or in public on campus or anywhere really he immediately turns to mush for you like a dog wagging his tail

and when iwaizumi drinks because i feel like he does he turns into such a sap and will try to woo you all over again because he refuses to believe that you're really his all the boys have quite a few videos of it if we're being honest

just boyfriend iwa being the best

this mf.. i swear mattsun is such a clown like i feel like he's the type of boyfriend to joke around a lot and be super playful moreso than oikawa

like if you ask him to come to a cafe with you because you need to study for finals he'll message you no but then half an hour later he'll ask you why you're taking so long lmao and he'd already have gotten a table for you two and even ordered you something

or if you're going somewhere together he'll definitely hold all your things but tell you that if a seat opens up he's going to take it which you know is a fat lie he just likes to joke around. but let's say a seat opens up as the train or subway comes to a stop and you kinda almost fall mattsun is already pulling you into his side by the waist before guiding you to the seat calling you clumsy

boyfriend mattsun is a smoker and shares a cig with hanamaki on their way to class and when he meets you afterward he smells like cigarettes and cologne with a hint of mint from the gum he chews to hide the smell smh

mattsun is an engineering major with a side hustle of fixing up cars so when he picks you up he's picking you up in a car that he's tweaked himself and lemme say that it's beautiful

he loves midnight drives or early early morning drives when it's quiet and you two will talk about anything and nothing together and maybe make out in his back seat lmfaoo

makki is definitely not subtle about his feelings and he's the type of boyfriend that remains cool and charismatic

like he'll buy you funky little matching hats and wear it in public shamelessly with you if you want. he won't care that everyone's looking at him because you're happy and that's all that matters

or he'll show up to your class one day with a bouquet of flowers. there's no special reason. he just passed a shop and thought of you and he won't be bothered by all the whispers that surround him when he walks over to you to hand them to you

boyfriend makki loves hand holding but kills for back hugs. say you're waiting for the train? back hug. talking to your friends outside school? back hug. playing a game on your pc? back hug. he just likes holding you in his arms

makki is definitely a stoner so when he smokes he always ends up in your room with the munchies and two bags of mcdonalds because he wasn't sure if you wanted anything or not so he just bought enough for two

and after y'all are done eating and washing up you'll put on a movie and makki will let you use him as a pillow and he'll probably whisper random things into your ears that are strangely romantic

"if you were a worm i'd still love you"