#if i ever manage to find out a way to read it in a linear fashion

[xalicemadnessx]

Traditional doodle dump!!!!

[violentdelightsandviolentends]

Western Nights.

You don't expect to bump into your dad's best friend Javier in a church basement on the outskirts of town. You also didn't expect to fall in love with him. Life seems to be full of surprises - and Javier was the biggest surprise of all.

Pairing - Dad'sBestFriend!Javier Peña x Female Reader

Age Rating - 18+

Word Count - 3.6k

Warnings - cursing. sexual content at the end. talk and themes of PTSD. brief mention of domestic abuse. several mentions of panic attacks. age gap (but all very legal and consensual). smut in future chapters.

Author's Note - it's finally here!! i've had this idea for so long and i'm so glad to finally put pen to paper. the dads best friend trope is one of my biggest weaknesses and javier peña is my favourite character ever, so naturally this was born. this fic will tackle some topics that may be a little tough for some people, so make sure to read the warnings!! can't wait to get this up on its feet and running, and for javi and peaches story to develop <3

as always, reblogs, comments and feedback (even anonymous feedback!) are immensely appreciated!! <3

Masterlist. Requests.

Series Masterlist. The Playlist.

Healing isn't linear. Recovery is a journey. This is a choice I have to make. No one else can make it for me.

You're repeating reassurances to yourself in your mind as you descend the stairs to the basement.

It's dimly lit, and it takes your eyes a minute to adjust. When they do, you're able to make out an old, heavy, oak wood lectern at the front of the room. Rows of flimsy plastic chairs are set almost as an audience, and tables line the edges. The carpet is worn, beige, and stained, the entire space smelling like must and bad coffee. You wonder how many girls like you have stepped foot in here in the past.

You pull the sleeves of your sweater down over your wrists and stick to the back wall, willing yourself to become invisible. Watching as people mill in slowly, you take a deep, steadying breath. In for 4. Hold for 4. Out for 6.

"Hi!" a middle aged, dyed blonde, motherly woman screeches at you. The cadence of her voice makes you jump.

"Sorry, sweetpea! Didn't mean to scare you," she looks you up and down before continuing. "You're new here, ain't ya?"

Her southern accent, albeit very high pitched, is somewhat comforting. It's something familiar in this room full of the unknown.

"Yeah," you just about manage to choke out.

She surveys you again, this time with no judgment. You realise she's just trying to figure you out, as you are her.

"If you need anything, just come find me. I'm Primrose."

You smile gently at the floral moniker, and decide that Primrose might be some much needed support. Her motherly aura was calming you ever so slightly.

"Alright, ladies and gentlemen, if we could all talk a seat, that'd be fantastic."

A tall, curly haired man - who can't be more than 30 - wearing a name tag sticker that reads 'Tobias' has taken his place behind the lectern, gesturing at everyone to sit down. You pick a chair near the back, slouching down and ducking your head.

"Wonderful. Hi, everyone."

A chorus of hellos echoes around the room, everyone clearly used to this routine.

"For anyone who's new here, I'm Tobias, but everyone calls me Tobi. I've been a Priest for the last five years, and I've been running this group for the last two. Usually, how it works is that we get a few people to come up and speak through their experiences."

Your chest tightens, and you have to remind yourself to keep breathing. As if he sees your panic, Tobi continues.

"Most people find that being able to talk freely and without judgment is a useful coping mechanism. PTSD is complex, and it isn't something that can ever be fully 'cured' - but we can find ways to make things easier. You're in a room full of ladies and gentlemen that might not understand your experience, but definitely understand your feelings."

He catches your eyes across the depth of the room and smiles gently. You muster up the strength to smile back cautiously, and he nods before speaking again.

"Some just come here to listen. Others find it beneficial to talk. No one is going to pressure you, judge you, or scald you. This is a safe space. Share as much or as little as you'd like. Okay?"

Everyone nods and murmurs in agreement. Tobi seems to have a way of reassuring the entire room without really trying. He's calming, tender hearted, genuine. You like him already.

"Who wants to start?"

Primrose shoots up out of her chair on the front row and makes her way to the front. Tobi squeezes her shoulder as she passes, and she beams at him.

"Hi, y'all! I'm Primrose."

The room is clearly familiar with the blonde ball of excitement. Everyone yells greetings at her, her energy almost infectious.

"Most of you know my story, but just in case you don't -"

Her eyes flit to you briefly, and she smiles. You half smile back, relaxing slightly.

"I was in a marriage where I suffered domestic abuse. He used to hit me, manipulate me, call me names. You think it, he did it."

She takes a breath, putting the smile back on her face where it's faltered.

"I have some news to share. I'm engaged!"

A few people jump out of their seats to hug her, congratulating her with pats on the back and yelled excitement.

"Thank y'all, thank y'all! I couldn't wait to tell you guys. I just... I never thought that I could ever be happy again. I certainly never thought that I'd ever find the courage to be with another man, after everything. But I've found someone amazing. And he treats me like a queen. So, to anyone who's new here - it is possible. I promise you. Y'all better help me pick out a dress!"

The room erupts into applause, and Primrose smiles so bright you're surprised the lights don't shatter.

After Primrose, an elderly man named Walter takes the stage. He explains his experience in the military, and the trauma and violence he witnessed for years. You learn that he's a recovering alcoholic, who wasn't had a drink for 9 years. He shakes slightly where he stands, leaning against the cane in his hand. You can tell he's lived through hell.

Finally, after Walter, Tobi stands at the lectern. He's the sole survivor of a car accident that killed his two best friends. After struggling to cope, he turned to God, and became a Priest to better help people just like him in his community. He speaks with such ease, such grace. A wave of calm sweeps over the room as everyone listens intently.

He checks the brown leather strapped watch on his right wrist before clicking his tongue.

"Well, folks, that's all the time we have for today! Feel free to stick around and chat to each other, as always. There's coffee and cookies on the table, and Janet made some of her famous honey loaf too. Thanks for coming. Same time next week?"

Everyone agrees in shouts and thumbs up directed towards the front. Slowly, people rise, stacking their chairs away before making their way over to the table where the coffee sits next to the styrofoam cups.

You remain seated for a little longer, catching your breath. Your teeth are digging into your bottom lip, knawing at it anxiously. You suddenly taste pennies, and lick up the blood quickly with your tongue.

Standing up shakily, you fold your chair at its hinges and add it to the stack at the front of the room. A yawn overtakes you, tiredness suddenly settling into your bones.

Coffee. You need coffee.

You make your way over to the tables, timidly smiling at Primrose as she shows off her ring to a small group of people. Just as you reach over and grab an empty cup, you become suddenly aware of a presence behind you.

"Don't drink that."

A warm, rich, booming voice hits your ears. The large, looming presence comes a little closer, towering over you.

"Trust me, honey. It's the worst coffee you'll ever taste in your life."

You know that voice, it's familiar timbre.

Javier Peña.

You turn around to be met with the sight of him peering down at you intently. He's wearing a flannel and blue jeans, heavy boots on his feet. He smells like musk, sandalwood, and the Texan heat.

God, he looks good. He's strikingly handsome. Objectively attractive. Everyone in your town agrees that Javier Peña is one beautiful man.

And seemingly unattainable. Since leaving Lorraine at the altar years ago, no one has heard any word of Javier so much as dating.

"Such a waste," your mom always says. "Gorgeous man like that. He could have anyone he wants!"

And it's true. Chocolate hair, broad shoulders, strong thighs. The man is a heartthrob.

A heartthrob with a secret, apparently.

"Javier?" you question. "What are you doing here?"

It's now you realise that he's here. At the meeting. You've done such a good job of keeping your head down, going relatively unnoticed. And now, staring down at you, is your dad's best friend. So much for covert.

He must see the realisation on your face. Or maybe he notices the way your breathing quickens. Either way, he places a warm palm on your shoulder, looking at you carefully.

"Hey. It's okay," he reassures. "I won't tell if you won't."

You nod meekly, trying to stay calm. In for 4, hold for 4, out for 6.

The basement suddenly feels too small, too dark, too stuffy. The carpet is too scratchy, the chairs too hard, the table too white. You need to get out before your chest caves in.

"You know, if you still want coffee, there's a diner like ten minutes from here. They do really good pie," Javier tells you, distracting you from your impending panic attack.

You take a breath and nod.

"Yeah. Okay. I like pie."

"Come on," he encourages, gesturing at you to lead the way. "Walk with me."

✵  ✵    ·　 ✵ 　　 *  · ✵

You and Javier walk steadily side by side in silence, fingers occasionally accidentally brushing each other. After it happens twice, you decide to put your hands in your pockets the rest of the way, ignoring the warmth that radiates off him.

You eventually arrive at Cherry Pie Diner. The neon sign is blinding, shades of bright pink, yellow and blue flashing and flickering. Inside, the white overhead lights illuminate classic red leather booth seats and waitresses in pinafore aprons.

"Here we are. When you go in, ask for JoJo. She'll take care of you," he winks.

You stand stuck in your place on the sidewalk for a minute, processing his words.

"You're not coming in?"

He seems taken aback by your question. Now he's the one processing.

"You... uh - you want me to?"

"I, uh, yeah. I mean... if you're not busy... I just, uh - nevermind. Sorry. Forget I said anything."

"I didn't want to overstep, you know, it, uh- But if it's okay with you... I could do with some coffee."

Javier smiles at you gently, gauging your reaction. When you smile back hesitantly, he pushes open the door to the diner, gesturing at you to head inside.

✵  ✵    ·　 ✵ 　　 *  · ✵

"What looks good, honey?"

You raise your eyes from the menu you were staring at intently to quirk your brow at Javier.

"Hmm?"

"I asked if anything looked good," he repeats kindly.

"I, um, I'm not sure. What do you recommend?"

"The peach pie," he says without hesitation.

The quick response makes you laugh, the melody of it tugging at Javier's heart strings. He realises, sadly, that he hasn't heard that sound in a hell of a long time.

"Listen, I know it's not anyone's go to," he justifies, "but it's honestly the best thing on the menu. There's nothin' like it."

"Okay," you say with complete certainty. "Peach pie it is."

JoJo is a bubbly, Southern woman with rosy cheeks and a smile that never seems to falter. She takes your orders happily, flirting with Javier like you weren't sat watching, confusion and awkwardness plastered across your face.

"You two seem close," you approach gently, trying to make conversation.

"Yeah, I know her husband. JoJo's been serving me here for at least 10 years. Peach pie, every time," he laughs.

"I'm usually a cherry pie girl. Maybe you'll convert me."

You both sip steadily at your coffees, humming in contentment at your first bites of pie. Halfway through your slice, you break the silence.

"Okay, fine. This might be the best pie I've ever had."

"I told you," he smirks. "I'll never lead you wrong, honey. Promise. Not where pie is concerned, anyway."

You finish off your slices in comfortable quiet, neither of you quite sure what to say next.

"So, uh... about tonight..." you begin nervously.

"I won't tell anyone I saw you, cariño. I swear."

You breathe a sigh of relief.

"Thank you, Javi. Really."

Javi. The nickname so rarely used, it makes his heart stutter for a second.

"You're... you're not gonna ask what I was doing at that meeting?"

He tilts his head slightly, gazing at you carefully before replying.

"If you wanted to tell me, you would. I'm not gonna push you. These things take time."

He smiles like he knows. You think, maybe, he does.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Anything, sweetheart."

A breath. In for 4, hold for 4, out for 6.

"Was that your first meeting too?"

He shakes his head, soft curls rippling.

"I've been going for a few months. I sneak out of town every week, so I'm pretty sure Chucho thinks I'm having a secret love affair. He doesn't ask questions."

You both laugh, and JoJo's head whips up, her curiosity peaked. She's never heard Javier laugh like this. Sure, he chuckles at her jokes, but the sound doesn't usually reach the corners of the room like that.

"He'd probably love it if you were, you know. Your love life is often a topic of conversation in my house, among many others in our neighbourhood."

He scoffs, and kicks your foot under the table teasingly.

"Man, nothing happens in that damn town, does it?"

"Nothing at all. Think we're overdue a secret love affair from you, Mr Peña. It might liven things up a little."

"Shut it, you," he chuckles, rolling his eyes.

You pull the sleeves of your sweater back down over your wrists again.

"I haven't seen you in a while. Think my dad is starting to get worried, you know."

A deep crease appears between his brows abruptly, hand rubbing the back of his neck.

"Yeah. I've just been busy, I guess. Tryna sort my shit out," he snickers dryly, no real humour in it.

"So did you do it?"

"Hmm?"

"Sort your shit out?"

Now he laughs genuinely, bright smile gracing his cheeks.

"Absolutely fucking not."

"Man, I know the feeling," you reassure.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Your breathing speeds up slightly, eyes darting around the room. Javier notices, reaching across the booth to grab your hand. He intertwines his fingers with yours, thumb rubbing comforting patterns on your skin. You take a deep breath. In for 4, hold for 4, out for 6.

"I feel like... like I'm... uh...," he nods at you reassuringly, squeezing your hand a little tighter. "I feel like I'm drowning. I'm barely keeping my head above water at any given moment. And I'm tired, Javi. Fuck, I'm tired."

A warm, salty tear escapes you, running down your cheek. Javi leans forward and brushes it away with his thumb, big brown eyes never leaving yours.

"It's okay, cariño. You're okay," he murmurs. "I get it. God, I get it."

"You do?" you sniffle.

"I do," he confirms. "More than you could ever know. And I know how lonely it feels. But I promise you, sweetheart. You're not alone. Not anymore."

His voice is like warm honey, soothing and golden. It melts into you, releases some of the tension from your shoulders. The tightness in your chest loosens slightly, and you take a deep breath. You find the courage to look at him again, and find that he hasn't taken his eyes off you once. His gaze is like an anchor, tethering you to reality. You surprise yourself by not wanting to shy away from the intensity of it. No, you want more.

Javier lets go of your hand to trace his fingertips up your forearm. He draws patterns carefully, as if he's learning every inch of you, committing you to memory. Like he isn't sure when he'll get to touch you like this again. If he'll get to touch you like this again.

You're still looking at each other, neither of you gathering the courage to look away. It's as if Javi is reading the words off the very surface of your soul. You're not sure you've ever felt so understood in your life. It terrifies you.

Without thinking, you grab a hold of Javier's hand and raise it to your lips, kissing each of his knuckles gently. The tenderness makes his heart ache.

"Hermosa," he sighs almost wistfully.

The sound of his voice snaps you back to the present moment.

"I'm sorry," you stutter, letting go of him. "Fuck, Javi, sorry. I don't - oh, I... fuck."

"Why do you do it?" he asks.

"Do... do what?"

"Apologise for everything. Every other word out of your mouth is 'sorry'," he chuckles affectionately.

"Sorry," you mumble without thinking. You pause, registering your words. The two of you break out into laughter, clutching at your stomachs.

"Are you?"

"Am I...?"

"Are you sorry? Or do you just say it because you think people want to hear it? You can't apologise for your entire existence, cariño."

You look into those warm, chocolate eyes, and realise he's read you for filth. He's right.

"I'm not sorry," you whisper.

He quirks a brow and nods attentively, urging you to continue.

"For... for what I just did. I'm not sorry."

You're praying that he understands what you're trying to say. I'm not sorry for my tender gesture. I'm not sorry for this connection we've made. I'm not sorry for my soft heart.

"I'm not either," he replies, barely above a murmur. You hear him, clear as day.

You reach out, this time, and interlock your fingers with his across the table. His large hand envelopes yours, and he squeezes. It effects you more than it probably should.

JoJo drops a plate behind the counter, the red and white china shattering across the checkerboard floor. The smash snaps you both out of the moment, making you jump. Your heart kicks into overdrive, battering against your ribcage.

"Hermosa, it's alright. Just a plate."

You hear him, but your nervous system doesn't seem to want to cooperate. Your breaths become laboured and frantic, and your hold on Javi's hand tightens almost painfully.

"Come on, Peaches, let's get out of here. It's getting late."

Javier stands from his bench seat and pulls you up with him, never once removing his fingers from where they're locked with yours. He shoots a smile over to JoJo, who returns it with glee. The two of you walk across the parking lot, hand in hand, illuminated by the neon light of the diner's sign. The colours dance across Javier's cheekbones, reflecting off the brush of his mustache, painting the rich brown warmth of his hair. He's never looked more handsome.

✵  ✵    ·　 ✵ 　　 *  · ✵

"Peaches."

"Hmm?" Javier asks from where he's leaning against the side of your car, back in the church parking lot.

"You called me Peaches. In the diner."

He nods, smirk etched on his streetlit face.

"Because of the pie."

"Because of the pie," he echoes.

"I like it," you confess quietly. "Peaches."

Javier pushes off the vehicle and stands, towering over you. Without a second thought, he brushes a thumb over your cheekbone in a featherlight touch.

"Sweet like peaches," he murmurs. "Too fuckin' sweet for a world like this one."

You look up at him, breath catching in your throat when you meet his eyes. He's gazing at you with adoration. With tenderness. With so much softness. Your knees go weak with the weight of it all.

It hits you, suddenly. The realisation.

You want to kiss him.

You want to kiss Javier Peña.

You want to kiss him more than you've ever wanted to kiss anyone in your entire life.

You're stood in the parking lot of a church on the outskirts of town with your dad's best friend and you're feeling the closest thing to happy you've felt in months.

You take a step forward, closing the gap between you. The warmth radiating from the older man settles itself in your bones, shielding you from the chill of the night. Just as you tilt your face up towards his, your phone buzzes.

Jumping apart as if you've been caught, you check your messages with shaky hands.

"It's my mom. She thinks I'm with a friend, so she's just checking in. She doesn't like it when I drive in the dark."

The mention of your mother snaps Javier out of his peachy haze.

"You should get back, cariño. It's late. Sorry for keeping you."

"Now who's apologising for no reason?"

He laughs, and you feel like you've won a gold medal. An achievement in its own right.

You climb into the drivers seat of your car, starting up the engine. Just as you're about to leave, Javi taps on the window. You roll it down.

"Same time next week, Peaches?"

"Same time next week, Javi."

You drive away with a smile on your face and a warmth in your stomach, the taste of peach still lingering on your lips. You notice that Javier drives behind you steadily, following you carefully to make sure you get home safe.

✵  ✵    ·　 ✵ 　　 *  · ✵

You're staring at the ceiling.

You're plagued by insomnia.

According to the Internet, it goes hand in hand with your PTSD. You make a mental note to work up the courage to ask Tobi about it in the next meeting.

You lie in bed, watching as the sunlight slowly illuminates the room. Usually, you'll make a cup of tea, read a book, watch a TV show. Pace around the room like a caged animal. Count sheep. Do yoga. Listen to music.

Tonight, you take a different approach.

Tonight, you slip a hand under the waistband of your underwear, and replay the way Javi murmured your name in the diner on repeat.

It does the trick.

@frogers @farintonorth @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @pedrobaby @grace46 @harriedandharassed

[puckpocketed]

As someone who’s the go-to prospects blog in my mind, do you have any thoughts on Aron kiviharju dropping to the fourth round? The video the Wild shared after he got drafted is soo interesting to me

"Let me tell you one thing, man; you just made the biggest steal of the draft. I promise you that."

29/06/2024 - The Minnesota Wild draft Aron Kiviharju 122nd overall

Aron Kiviharju was supposed to go 1st overall.

Can you be a bust before you ever get drafted? Can the narrative miasma of going 1st overall linger on someone who went 122nd?

Kiviharju’s first game report from the 2024 EP Draft Guide is dated November 24th, 2019. He was 13 back then. According to them, no other player in EP's database — nor in any other draft guide this year — has had scouts' eyes on them so early, for so long. They say he understands the game beyond what's reasonable for a player his age, that he's always excelled while playing above his year level, that even though he's small and light there's something special about his game. Singular, elite, a phenom. This child is the next big thing. He is 13, 14, 15, he is anointed Boysaviour before his voice has cracked.

How many times have we heard this story before?

One day, Aron Kiviharju will be competing with and against players his age. And when that day comes, it might feel a bit odd for the defenceman. For years, ever since Kiviharju was young, he has played up a level, or two, or three. At age 13, he was playing U16 hockey with TPS Turku and, this past season, as a 15-year-old, he started with TPS’ U18 team before moving on to the U20 club. His numbers – 30 points in 35 games – would be deemed impressive for a 19-year-old forward, never mind a young defenceman who only turned 16 in January.

Steven Ellis' article on Kiviharju for Daily Faceoff, early September 2023, broadens the scope of public scrutiny even further:

Time travel back to 2022, and you'll find his name is printed right next to some familiar faces from this year's draft: Macklin Celebrini, Cole Eiserman, Berkly Catton, Ivan Demidov — except, they're all listed as possible challengers to his assumed throne.

And then, the accident.

The glaring flag on Kiviharju's draft profile, and across every report, every interview, and article since is the reality of his stalled potential. A scout’s job is to project a player’s future, but progress is rarely linear. What might halt a once-promising player's progress? Injuries and global pandemics and a poorly managed season or two; these things don't care for destiny. For every realised prodigy there are a dozen more who will fall short of expectations — this is something you pick up fast reading backdated draft guides and sifting through the history of the NHL.

In Kiviharju's case, the dislocated kneecap and the skate cut to the throat are the things most will write about. Behind the scenes, however, there were evidently other factors that contributed to his drop to the 4th round.

You see, every time I think I've escaped it, the size issue comes back.

The belief remains, however, that larger is better. I’m understating just how much it pervades hockey discourses: it’s present in scouting reports and has had measurable impacts on drafting; I hear it on professional and amateur hockey podcasts; it’s thrown out casually during interviews by coaches and fellow players. I can’t read or listen to anything about Faber without stumbling across it — the preoccupation with size. I’ll be very clear here: I’m not reading anything malicious from specific people, I’m not accusing anyone of crimes, and in no way am I implying that ice hockey is unique here. Just the opposite, in fact. I know professional sports hinges upon producing stars, that the commodification of young bodies is endemic to the business. Those stars are, stripped down to the basest definition, workers who perform with their bodies and sell their labour, whose bodies will inevitably be coveted and revered for their adherence to the Platonic Ideal of their respective crafts. For men’s sports, there’s something extra on top of the commodification of children’s bodies — it’s the vernacular of near-fetishistic worship; of the masculine, the oxymoronic youthful-but-mature, the virile. The language used to praise Faber and other young d-men like him has my stomach twisting in a discomfort that I find hard to quantify — players, coaches, and the media all talk about him, and the hockey blinders slip. He’s a “workhorse”, a “stud”, he’s got “a man’s body” — and call it projecting, call it reading too deeply into innocuous statements, but the closest thing I can compare it to is hearing my AFAB body spoken about as an object whose value can be reduced to its function, its usefulness, its closeness to sexual maturity.

Excerpt from the last time I wrote about a Minnesota d-man (sensing a pattern here).

Kiviharju probably would've dropped some places regardless of his injury and missed time; that's where the league is trending right now in terms of draft preference. When you're small, every mistake is amplified by your lack of size. You must be twice as skilled, faster, more consistent.

p. 595, The 2024 Elite Prospects NHL Draft Guide

Kiviharju's media appearances read like someone who is haunted by his draft stock despite his assertions otherwise.

Kiviharju's bold proclamation, caught on GM Bill Guerin’s hot mic, that the Wild just got "the biggest steal of the draft” will likely be associated with Kiviharju's rise — or perhaps his fall — as Minnesota media and fans work at their mythmaking. I don't know if I want to care about some hockey myths anymore. My appetite for them sours day by day. These myths were started by the eyes and hands and mouths of people watching a boy of 11 play hockey, who witnessed him and salivated at his unwritten future. Part of me thinks: I don't want to be complicit in their continued weaving — though I know I will be anyway.

I read what he says in the lead up to the draft and it's like he's telling himself as he tells us; that he will not care, because he is worth more than this.

From Kiviharju's draft day interview, transcribed by me:

Q: What's the biggest thing you learned about yourself going through the rehab process? AK: Kind of like... it's — life is more than hockey. Hockey is the biggest thing for me. I love the sport. I will do this for the rest of my life, for sure. First playing it, then probably I will continue with hockey after my career, so I've been always thinking like that, and I'm still thinking like that, but it's just that it's — more. Life is more than just hockey, there's a lot of things. And there's a lot of different things about myself, kind of like when you don't — if hockey is my fuel and I'm a car and I'm 200 days without getting any fuel, we have to find some new ways how to get that fuel, to keep my car going. - Q: How has your cut healed since U-18's? AK: Yeah so (he gestures to the cut right below his jawline) that was a pretty close one, but thank God we're alive. That's what I kind of meant when I said that this life is more than just hockey. So first you're 200 days without playing hockey and when you come back your first game the World Under 18's a skate cuts your throat open, so it's very close calls, and that's when you remember that this is only hockey.

Whatever happens, I want Kiviharju to hold on to this. Don't get me wrong, I'm rooting for him. In so many ways, he fits the archetype of players I enjoy. I want him to make it to the show and blow everyone's expectations out of the water and bring Minnesota the Cup. I love this team, even if I rarely post about them. Even still, whether he shoots into stardom or he washes out of the NHL, it doesn't fucking matter. It's only hockey.

And he is more than his ability to live up to our myths.

[rmd-writes]

weekend wip game (I stole your banner Lola, soz)

Tagged by @welcometololaland @jesuisici33 💖

1. WIP List:

I don't really have any real wips currently (okay, there is one), I'm in that weird limbo where I finished my last project and am about to start another, but I guess I can do this for anything I've given a little thought to - some have an actual plot, some have a line or two or dialogue, some are just a concept

Call Me (By My Name) - a Tarlos collab with @welcometololaland this is actually the thing I'm about to start working on

SC Frozen Over 2023 fic

Tarlos gym AU series

Firstprince dog meet cute AU (aka Frida fic)

Tarlos model AU

Tarlos spy AU

Vet!TK/social worker!Carlos fwb to lovers AU

Firstprince childhood friends to exes to lovers tattoo shop AU

Lawyer AU pt 3

2. Which of your WIPs is currently the longest?

The firstprince dog meetcute is the only one that I've actually put words to

3. Which WIP do you expect will end up the longest?

Either Call Me (By My Name) because Lola and I have no control over words when we write together, or the Tarlos model AU has the potential to spiral into something lengthy

4. Which WIP is your favourite to write/the most enjoyable to write? Why?

Pass. See above re not actually working on any of them yet. But the collab is going to be super fun because it's low pressure and we just vibe

5. Which WIP do you find the most intimidating to write? Why?

The firstprince tattoo shop AU because the way I want to tell the story, it has two timelines and I want it to be non-linear. Also the Tarlos spy AU because it's so out of my wheelhouse

6. Which WIP do you experience the most self-doubt about. Why?

See above

7. Which of your WIPs will you seek out a beta/sensitivity reader for? Why?

I have almost everything that isn't just PWP beta read! I like having trusted friends in my docs, it gives me motivation to write and also I am needy and require validation while I'm writing. Beta readers make such a difference though - I can edit my own work and come up with a pretty clean copy when I don't use a beta reader - but it's always good to get fresh perspective to address any plot holes or just add that little bit extra. And also to remind me that sentences should not be 5 lines long all the time and point out when I use the same word 3 times in one paragraph 😅

8. Have any of your WIPs been struck by the curse of writer's block?

Oh it's not on the list because I don't know if I'll ever go back to it, but

9. Which WIP has your favourite OC? Tell us about them?

Lawyer AU part 3, because Brianna (Alex's PA) is an absolute queen

10. Which WIP is the sexiest?

either the gym AU (I mean, if you've read the earlier parts of the series, you'll know why) or the Tarlos spy AU or Call Me (By My Name) (the things Lola and I have ✨planned✨ 😌😌😌)

11. Which WIP is the angstiest?

Probably the firstprince tattoo shop au because it has an exes element

12. Which WIP has the best characterisation (in your humble opinion)?

13. Which WIP has the best scene setting (in your humble opinion)?

14. Which WIP have you worked the hardest on?

lol none of them yet

15. Which WIP do you have the highest expectations for? Why?

16. Do you dream about any of your WIPs?

I never remember my dreams!

17. Do any of your WIPs have particular complexities that your other fics don't?

As above, the firstprince tattoo shop au will have dual timelines and be told in a non linear way

18. Which WIP is the funniest or has the most humour?

Call Me (By My Name) because it's Lola and I, so expect sexy vibes with a healthy dose of chaose

19. Do any of your WIPs contain outside POVs or a deep dive on a character other than the main ship? How are you finding that process?

Lawyer AU pt 3 is going to be mostly outsider pov!

20. Tell us one thing we don't know about one or more of your WIPs.

If I manage to get my shit together and actually write some SC fic for the Frozen Over fest this year, that will make it three years in a row that I've participated in that fest 💖

Tags and questions for artists/gifmakers under the cut!

Tagging: @orchidscript @carlos-in-glasses @goodways @lightningboltreader @reasonandfaithinharmony @guardian-angle22 @herefortarlos @fitzherbertssmolder @never-blooms @liminalmemories21 @freneticfloetry @ambiguouspenny @lizzie-bennetdarcy @wandering-night19 @sherryvalli @heartstringsduet @iboatedhere @clottedcreamfudge @kiwiana-writes @cricketnationrise @sunshinestrand @stereopticons @ramonaflow @chelle-68 @hearitinthesilencesilence @leaves-of-laurelin @maxbegone and anyone else who wants to play

Questions for artists/gifmakers

1. WIP List:

2. Which WIP is your most complex?

3. Do any of your WIPs involve you using a technique/style that you haven't used before? What inspired you to try it?

4. Which WIP do you expect will take you the longest?

5. Which WIP are you finding the most enjoyable to create?

6. Do you have a favourite character to draw/stitch/paint/depict? Are they in many of your WIP projects?

7. Which WIP do you experience the most self-doubt about. Why?

8. Have any of your WIPs been struck by the curse of creator's block?

9. Do any of your WIPs contain characters outside the main ship? How are you finding creating those?

10. What emotions are you hoping to convey through your WIPs?

11. Are there any features/details you are finding challenging in your WIPs?

12. Which WIP has the most complex shading/colouring?

13. Which WIP has the most complex background?

14. Which WIP do you have the highest expectations for?

15. Do you dream about any of your WIPs?

16. Do any of your WIPs have particular complexities that your other art doesn't?

17. Are any of your WIPs commissions?

18. Do you have a character that is more difficult to draw/stitch/paint/depict? Are they in many of your WIP projects?

19. Tell us one thing we don't know about one or more of your WIPs.

[skyfallscotland]

I would love to hear more about your writing style and how you plan the over arching storyline. You’ve mentioned that you don’t write linearly, so how do you keep everything straight?

Do you have a cohesive idea of the big picture, or is it more of a bunch of scenes bouncing around that you need to find a way to weave together? How do you know what is chapter 18 versus chapter 10 versus chapter 4? I’ve also seen you mention that Remi is high functioning autistic, and you’ve tagged a few things as nuro spicy. I gather that a lot of your writing is deeply reflective of your own lived experiences and now I’m wondering how Remi’s going to manage relearning history if her author likes to jump around this much!

in any case, thank you again for blessing us with this work - I’m going on vacation next week and am very excited to do my first reread!

So basically I'll have an overarching idea and some scenes in my head already and then everything else will just happen as I go.

So for T&T I know

what I want to do with the Varrish situation

what I want to do at Tecarus' place

what I want to do with Melgren/Samara/the final battle

and how I want their relationship to go

how it's going to end

So there's a few pivotal scenes in my head already and then there's things like

how Papa Sorrengail died

how Lilith really feels about Remi

how Violet will react to her sister this time around

how Remi will react to RSC

and I basically just try and weave them all together as I go. I keep notes in my phone in a linear-fashion and if I think of something I'll slot it into the 'timeline' but in saying I write non-linearly, it's more like...I get demand avoidance, right? So if I'm up to RSC but my brain just doesn't want to initiate, instead of screeching to a halt, I'll write for example a scene regarding Papa Sorrengail's death, put it to the side and come back to it later and fit it in somewhere.

So when I say 10 vs 18 vs 4, it's like, I've actually written up to 18, I have 18 chapters, but my brain might later go oh wait, you want this in here, and then I have to go back and change things or weave things in, so while I have 18 chapters, 4 could then become 5 and push each one along so I have 19. I hope that makes sense?

I tend to write more of a character/emotion driven story so that definitely helps because I'm really just weaving a little plot around all the feels.

Remi is very, very deeply reflective of me and my lived experiences, more than any other FMC I've ever written. I think every writer puts pieces of themselves in their work, but Remi in particular I put so much of my soul into. Fear & Flame was a very cathartic experience, I wrote it for me and I was honestly surprised so many people liked it. I almost didn't post it at all.

I've always felt like Remi. It was only once I learned that I could be on the spectrum that I started figuring out why I am the way I am and do the things I do, and also, really, why most people don't like me. And that's not like, me feeling sorry for myself, it's just a fact, most people don't. It's why it feels kind of special whenever someone tells me they see themselves in her.

Because Remi is so logical, she's just pushing everything to the side and going 'ok, this is what I know is true because I've seen it with my own eyes' and working from there. Honestly in T&T part one, she's a little too busy to even think about it, but she's definitely asking questions. I think it's this, that separates her so much from Violet. She won't let things go and she will ask whatever questions pop into her head a lot of the time (which is tough because we don't have too much history/lore to work with).

Honoured to be your vacation reading! Haha, I hope you have a nice time! 🖤

[loycos]

Lol can i plz have your Caitvi fic list?

haha, i wrote the tag asking people to ask for this list over a month ago and got that ask shortly after, only to go into my bookmark list and see that i have WAYYY too many saved in there. sorry it took a while.

There are a lot (A LOT) of piltover's finest fics, and a lot of them are good. this last year i've been FED like ive probably never been fed before in my life. that means i have a lot of bookmarks that i honestly don't remember much of other than "it good", but i wanted this rec list to include the fics that really left a (positive) mark on me. they aren't ordered in any specific way, and all are sfw. if you guys want my nsfw list, hit me up (i swear it wont take a month again)

Shadows at sea won't keep you from me - this is rated M but the sex is extremely vague. this one is very dialog heavy and is filled with inner vi monologue, however, it feels like a fresh take. I love the home-y vibes they give off here.

i won't let go (i left my baby teeth in your drawer) - caitlyn experiences a crisis in the shower. sounds like every caitvi fic you've ever read but i swear this one has something special to it. it feels really intimate in a way not many fics managed to capture imo, and caitlyn is written very in character.

High Tide Came and Brought You In - caitlyn's a mermaid, vi's a sailor. i'm usually not a person who actively seeks aus, especially not as extreme as this one, but this way such a sweet little thing, even i couldn't help but get swiped by the simple story.

Don't break the rules (maybe just for you) - "i hate aus! especially high school aus!" i scream again and again in every convo about fanfics i've ever had. so why is battle academia like my favorite caitvi au??? i don't know. makes no sense to me. i actively sought out this specific au tag, so i guess it makes me a liar too. what's so special about this one? idk, it has caitlyn and vi in it, it's well written and adorable, its a goddamn high school au, you know exactly what you're getting yourselves into. do be aware that BA!caitlyn is a different beast entirely than arcane!caitlyn, and so is BA!vi to an extent. (EDIT: i made it sound like im mad at this very cute fic, not my intention at all. this one is on here for a reason)

We Have Never Been Fairweather Friends- in the aftermath of the council's attack, caitlyn comes down with a mysterious disease, and vi is there to make sure she's ok. i, *cough*, might have talked about this one before. this might be my favorite fic, or top 2 at least. really good and in character writing, trippy and surprisingly authentic dream sequences, and a mystery that builds at a perfect rate.

Soaked with Sadness - caitlyn attempts catching jinx by herself, vi isn't too pleased. this is the other top 2 fic. the usual well-written-in-character compliment goes here, but also it's got that special brand of intimacy that i like, plus drunk caitlyn, and you kind of find out things in a non-linear way that make the story feel really... well crafted. i had to read it twice in a row cause i felt like i was missing things on the first go (might just be my dumb ESL brain tho).

the negative space and the pausing of time - aftermath fic. like author said, there are tons of those in the tag, and i have read probably all of them, but this one is really really good. the dialog feels especially flowy and snappy. kinda what i wouldve want to see in season 2, if arcane was just about angsty lesbians, which it sadly isn't. fics like this fill the void of the hiatus in my heart.

[booksandabeer]

so uhhhh *slides you ten bucks* *twirls hair awkwardly* I hear you're into fics that destroy you, huh? As a fellow Angst Queen, might I maybe ask for... recs? *bats lashes imploring* Pretty please?

Hello fellow Angst Queen...

*takes ten dollar bill* ...so you wanna get wrecked, huh? Destroyed? Utterly ruined? Ok then, step right this way.

I tried to go for varying levels of angst. As a general reminder, since these are all angsty, sad, and/or pretty dark fics: Please, for the love of God, check the tags before you read!

there must have been a moment where we could have said no by magdaliny | M, 155K | Part 1 in quiet americans series

Authors summary: The Soldier remembers this: he wakes up in the snow.

A Bucky recovery story about finding and leaving behind identities, learning to live again, and living well. The first two chapters focus on Bucky's time as the Winter Soldier, so yes, it gets very dark. A beautifully-written, at times hard to read story about the breaking and re-making of a person. And about falling in love.

an unfamiliar coast by brideofquiet | M, 19K | Part 1 in new topography series

Authors summary: He doesn’t have a concept of how long ten years is anywhere. Not even before he’d been yanked out of a natural, linear progression. He’d been six years old once; he’d been sixteen and then he’d been twenty-six. But the breadth of time between those moments—what the hell is ten years?

A long, long time. That’s all he knows. (Bucky goes to war. Ten years later, he comes home.)

A mid-century Shrinkyclinks AU in which Steve never went to war and Bucky escapes from HYDRA in the 1950s. What happens when one of them has tried to move on from grief and loss, and live his life, and the other didn't even have a life for ten years? A beautiful story with an even better sequel!

From Tralfamadore, With Love by newsbypostcard | E, 106K | Part 1 in From Tralfamadore series

Authors summary: In 2018, Steve, Sam, and Bucky embark on a mission to explore a Hydra-owned warehouse when a kid with mutant powers sends Steve 18 years into the future. Steve's just as in love with Bucky as he was when he left, but for Bucky it's been a long 18 years. As he gets used to life in 2036 and the flaws in Bucky's idyllic life expose themselves, Steve also has to manage a suspiciously ubiquitous security force, a Brotherhood of Mutants, and old competing loyalties among his aged friends. There's a Bucky in 2018 waiting for him to come home, but if he does that, it means leaving this Bucky behind for a third, unforgivable time. How can he choose?

The summary is pretty self-explanatory, and I really don't want to reveal anymore than that. Much of the tension and emotional drama in this fic comes from not knowing what's going to happen, and from desperately guessing at how on earth the author is going to solve Steve's impossible dilemma. I loved the way the author explored the relationship of a Steve and a Bucky who have been separated for two seconds and 18 years, respectively. Also, possibly the best use of a Fleetwood Mac song in fanfic ever.

When the Season Comes Around by theheartischill | T, 34K

Authors summary: The other problem is that Steve loves him, and Bucky isn't sure he remembers how to love.

An all-time fave Bucky recovery fic of mine. Featuring a Bucky who saves himself, a perfectly imperfect Steve, and one of the healthiest depictions of a Steve/Bucky relationship I've ever read (not that I don't usually love a little bit of codependency) . There are so many moments and lines in this that will absolutely destroy you. It's sad, and difficult, but also hopeful, and patient with its characters. It's so fucking smart in every way, I honestly don't feel qualified to even talk about this. For me, this is as close to perfection as it gets.

Little Animal Lives by adeepeningdig | T, 25K

Authors summary: In which Bucky Barnes emerges from cryofreeze, gets therapy, buys a house, some chickens and a few horses, and finds himself under the care of a few capable women and one capable girl; and in which Steve Rogers comes home.

The summary almost makes this sound like a semi-fluffy cabin/farm fic. And in a way it is that, but it's also so much more than that. Features beautiful writing (there's a description of love in the story that takes my breath away every time I read or even think about it), wonderful OCs, an extremely well-done second-person POV (please don't let this deter you from reading this fic, I beg you), and a "cure" for Bucky's trigger words that I don't think I've ever seen done or explained in quite that way anywhere else. Tender, heartbreaking, haunting. Go read it.

+1

Ok, and if all of these still aren't angsty enough for you, it's time to bring out the big guns. As in the biggest gun I can think of:

How You Leave by Dreadnought | E, 226K | Major Character Death!

I’ll say it right up front—and this isn’t a spoiler—this is a story about Bucky Barnes dying. And he really does die in it. There’s no last-minute miracle cure here. Be warned and read the tags thoroughly before you decide whether this is for you. In this fic, Bucky escaped HYDRA sometime in the early 90s, joined SHIELD and took up the mantle of Captain America. In 2012, just when Steve is discovered in the ice and returns to his life, Bucky’s serum stops working and his body slowly starts to degrade with only one inevitable outcome. This is a tough read. It’s very much a story about death and the process of dying, about grief and loss. But it’s also about life and what it means to “live a good life.” The author used the tag “learning to live through dying” and that’s exactly it. It’s a story about self-acceptance, reckoning with one’s legacy, re-learning what it means to be truly emotionally vulnerable, reconnecting with the past and at the same time learning to let go of it. And it’s about love. So much love. It’s a very sad story but not a bitter or depressing one. It broke my heart slowly, thoroughly, completely. It’s fucking incredible. I will never read it again.

-------

Happy crying, everyone!

(I might do a part 2 of this at some point?)

[esta-elavaris]

Okay, I just mapped out everything that remains of Fallen Through Time, and my rough map suggests there'll be about twenty chapters all in all in terms of the way I'm covering the story now. But for the people who've been here a while, you'll know that I tend to underestimate that number - all in all, though, I can't see there being 30 chapters total up until I have to shuffle my way of doing things, so however you slice it, we're roughly around the halfway mark of the linear part of the story.

Those chapters will be action packed, there's a lot that happens between now and here, but I'm basically intending to mostly end the conventional storytelling around the mark where the action really kicks off in movie one (post-Elizabeth's kidnapping) because then it starts to really merge with the original story.

The problem there being that there will be some changes significant enough that it'd be cheating to just end the story there, but not enough to write a proper long-form story of? So I think I'll write the chapters that would be very different properly, but otherwise you can more or less just assume that whatever isn't discussed is the same as what happens in CTW. So once the action really kicks off, we diverge from long-form storytelling to the kind of "best bits". So we'll just be losing the bits that don't focus around Norrington/Theo, because those are the bits that wouldn't change.

I recognise that this makes it difficult for the people who haven't read CTW, but so far I think pretty much everybody reading Fallen Through Time found it via CTW? (And if that's not the case for you, you really should read CTW because it's the best thing I've ever written honestly, I look back in a daze with 0 memory of how I managed it).

But then, once DMC hits, everything really will mostly be the same, save for one or two conversations, so I won't be covering anything from DMC-onwards.

I'm gonna find a way to make the transition work as best I can, but it just makes no sense to write it all out the way I did for CTW when so much of it would be similar.

[utterlyinevitable]

Where It Begins (28/?)

↪ series masterlist  

28. Boiler, boiler (cake & troubles)

Pairing: Colin Bridgerton x Penelope Featherington   Format: textfic   Chapter Rating: T+ A/N: why didn't anyone tell me the longer images were hard to read?? to remedy that i'm doing plain text. hope you don't mind :)

Summary: Domestic interlude & a valentines day mix up

8th February

Colin: I’ve got five days free. Fancy a friend?

Pen: Don’t think you’ll wanna stay here

Colin: Too bad. I’m already on my way. What’s wrong?

Pen: Boilers broken. Haven’t had heat or a hot shower in three days.

Colin: Seriously!? Have you spoken to the building manager??

Pen: I’ve showered at the gym at work so I’m not stinky. BM is waiting for the landlord to approve works to be carried out

Colin: He could be off on a remote holiday for all we know! Gotta be breaking some sort of code at this rate.

Pen: It’ll get sorted. You can stay here just know I don’t have hot water. In most cases that’s a dealbreaker.

Colin: Sure it will.

Pen: Don’t do anything rash and get me evicted.

Colin: I would never. See you tomorrow afternoon 😘

-

He placed his keys ever so gingerly on the designated house-shaped plate by the door and toed off his trainers, careful not to make excessive noise. All the lights in the apartment turned out for the night save for the kitchen lamp always serving as a nightlight. It's well past midnight, Colin can't blame her for not waiting up - he is half a day late after all.

He strips down to his boxers and climbs into bed behind her, arm wrapping around her belly and cuddling in close like always, naturally. Penelope smells fresh and clean, but there's a lingering of the rare and expensive gardenia perfume he likes so much in her hair. He takes a deep breath, savoring.

"Sorry," he mutters next to her ear. "One delay led to another."

Pen hummed, still held by sleep but rolling from her belly and further into him.

"Did the plumber come?"

"Yea. How much do I owe you?" She cranes her neck, turning to look up over her shoulder with those beautifully heavy eyes of hers.

"Nothing," he says as he pushes some of her wild hair out of her face. An overwhelming urge to kiss her senseless overcomes him, but he settles for a lingering kiss to her forehead.

"Colin…"

"Think of it as rent for all my freeloading."

She’s too tired to argue, so she huffs and nuzzles back into her pillow.

Colin had the most peaceful sleep he’s had in weeks, cold room and hassling from his older brothers be damned.

***

13th February 9:13

Pen: Running a few errands, didn't want to wake you. Breakfast in a bag on the counter xx

11:18

Colin: Thank you ❤️

12:04

Colin: Heading out for a bit - when will you be home?

14:46

Pen: On my way back now!

-

Colin padded to the kitchen to find a brown box of delectable danishes waiting for him and a yellow post-it on top in her quick scrawl;

All yours! Just save me an eclair :)

He smiles at how well she knows him, and how she knows he'd always save her the last (and only in this case) eclair. That smile tugging at his cheeks as Colin grabs his French press and boils the water, beginning to make himself a cuppa. When he opens the fridge to reach for the milk, there's a pink box a great deal larger than the pastry box taking up the middle shelf. Nothing if not endlessly curious, Colin carefully slides the box out from where it's been skillfully wedged into the small appliance and peeks in. His heart stops and so do his breaths. There's a red heart-shaped cake staring back at him.

His blood runs hotter than the boiling bubbles behind him, that smile wanes until it's practically linear on his pressed lips.

They didn't speak about Valentine's Day, or any of the implications of it. Truthfully the holiday didn't even cross Colin's mind; and he certainly didn't purposefully plan to visit her this weekend. A happy coincidence really. But come to think of it, it is weird that he didn't book up anything anywhere. It's his job to capitalise on holidays and relevant social media-centric events, but he forgot? Doesn't the calendar in his phone automatically add holidays? He'll have to check that. Honestly how is it possible that Colin didn't put the pieces together? It's the most romantic day of the year! And he and Pen are...

Colin can only assume he didn't think they weren't doing anything considering their... roommate (the word makes him want to vomit) status. And because he leaves in the morning.

But the cake! The terrifying, gorgeous gesture of cake is staring him right in the face. That smile returns as a smirk and there's sparkles in his steps causing Colin to flit about on a new course of action. He immediately forgoes coffee, shoves a croissant in his gob and rushes to put clothes on. The boy is on a mission to not bungle this up.

When Colin returns home - lilacs and tulips in hand - Penelope is still nowhere to be found. Disappointing but also lucky, he can truly take this one step further; so Colin sets up some wine glasses on the little dining table, leaves space for the cake to take center stage, and picks a couple petals off the bouquet to tastefully scatter around the table. He’s not sure what she has planned for dinner, so he waits.

Pops on a fresh shirt and cologne, and waits.

Waits for 80 minutes.

Then, she comes home… with Sophie.

The two girls are giggling and Pen has a silk scarf over Sophie’s eyes. “Wait wait wait, you’re gonna LOVE this!” Pen laughs as she tries to tug her keys out of the lock once more than necessary, most definitely tipsy. She doesn’t even see him sitting stiffly on the couch as to not muss up his look, a book in hand.

She pads to the fridge and gasps so loudly. “What the-” Colin watches carefully as Pen starts to twirl around, eyes frantic and head swiveling, looking everywhere in the kitchen to find her surprise.

Finally, her eyes land on the impeccably decorated table.

“Oh my god!”

“What? What is it!?” Sophie all but shrieks from her spot she was left in, her hands hovering over her hair unsure if she should tear the blindfold off or not. 

Colin’s sheepish and besottedly bemused voice finally makes its appearance, “Happy Valentine’s Day.” 

Penelope twirls to see him rising from the couch with an amused smirk on his handsome face hiding the awkwardness he feels. Her blush pink lips are parted and her eyes are so comically wide it'd be hilarious in any other situation but this. She goes to say something, and Colin waits with bated breath. It's the same moment Sophie rips the blindfold off. 

“You GUYS!” she shrieks at the romantic setting before her. Her eyes meet Pen's, her soulful blue eyes blown and dilatated. “I am crashing your evening. I should go.” 

“No no no,” Pen turns from Colin, grabs Sophie’s wrist and tugs her closer to look over the cake. “I got this for you! For our Galentine's day tomorrow.” 

All three of them move across the room to peer at the writing on the cake that so delicately reads: You Fine AF. Sophie giggles, then the two of them burst out laughing. The two girls are consumed by a fit of uncontrollable laugher, falling and hugging one another. 

Colin takes that as his cue to cut the cake, and maybe grab two glasses of water too. 

This could have gone worse...

-

Two cups of tea and one hour later, Sophie skittered off and Colin and Pen have mostly finished clearing up the faux pas. He's washed and dried the dishes with nothing else to do as Pen masterfully fits the baked goods back in the fridge. It's so unbelievably quiet save for the rustling she's doing and the pounding embarrassment in his ears. They can't go on like this.

Colin leans up against the counter, tapping and pressing his fingers into the hard surface to distract himself, to seem so nonchalant about the whole failed affair.

"I apologize for- I thought…"

He can see her shake her head once from where his eyes are glued to the floor. "It’s fine. You didn’t know."

"Do you want... I should have asked if you wanted to do something instead of assuming..."

"It’s fine Colin." It might be his imagination but Colin swear she slammed the fridge shut. "We don’t have that kind of relationship."

"We...don't?"

"We’re friends."

"Friends, yea." But we're more than that, he wants to add. Will wish he had later when he's replaying this evening over and over in his head.

"Neither of us are looking for something serious," she asserts, her flickering gaze pinning him in place.

"Right."

There's an awkward silence as he stares at her, silently imploring for elaboration and she's looking anywhere but at him.

Penelope finds a spot on the ceiling behind him, takes in a breath and Colin has chills, the kind of chills you get before you drop on a rollercoaster or entering a haunted house, the anticipation of a good time but the dread of the unknown. "That’s why this works. You’re off gallivanting, living your dreams. And I’m making a name for myself in my own way."

His heart drops.

"I - yeah. Yeah, you’re right." He forces a smile as his catches a glimpse of the bouquet, the last remanent of his mild attempt at romantics.

"Did you pick up dinner? I’m starved."

[lightlunas]

My thoughts on Metroid Dread after finishing it for the first time

(Spoilers, obviously)

-Gameplaywise a good, solid Metroid. Fleshed out the ideas of Samus Returns, although I'm still not the biggest fan of the counter itself. Turning it into QTEs in some boss fights... worked, I guess? It broke up the flow of the boss fights and wasn't too common, so I can't really complain about it. I liked the slide. Upgrades were cool, the classics, some fun new ones. One thing I would criticize is that Samus almost felt... too fast, as weird as that sounds. Like when I would get chased by an E.M.M.I. I often had to pause and look at the map to consider which way to take because I could barely react to how fast I was going in the unfamiliar territory I was discovering as I was running through. Speaking of, aside from what I mentioned above, which ruined the flow of the chase sequences a bit, the E.M.M.I. sequences were fun and interesting. I would've wished for and was kind of expecting more gameplay upgrades to center around that; in the end, only the Phantom Cloak really mattered for them. I was about to write here that you couldn't even freeze them like the SA-X, but upon consideration I don't think I ever tried that? Guess I should've, but you probably couldn't, right? Still affirms that only the Phantom Cloak mattered though.

-Kinda linear, although it tried really hard not to make you notice that. I guess you could also say that it made any backtracking flow more naturally rather than make it tedious, but the point is that you rarely really had to think about where to go. It tried really hard not to let you get lost, which isn't bad I guess, because the map was pretty big and confusing. I actually found it way more confusing than any other Metroid and it took quite a while until I got used to it... somewhat. All the added detail was appreciated when you were looking for something on the map but it really didn't make it easy to read. It should've at least had some more options like turning certain icons off. Or highlighting them without having to find one first.

-Clearly put more focus on the bosses, and they had some pretty nice boss fights to show for it. They were so proud of them that they made a boss rush mode after all.

-Music, pretty disappointing. Nothing really stuck out to me.

-The final twist in the story did manage to surprise me, and it surprised me almost as much that I haven't gotten spoiled about it, even after all this time??? Or if I did, I successfully forgot it. I'm not quite sure how much I liked it, but like it I did. Much of it felt like a natural conclusion to the story threads it picked up. Maybe I would know better how to feel about it if I wasn't so confused by the very end!? Why did a X decide to save Samus?? Because of Quiet Robe's... uh... mystic powers? Or something? I don't know if speedrunning the game unlocks any bonus content that explains it, because 100% item collection sure didn't.

-I'm not the biggest fan of the suit design, particularly the visible wiring (which I thought were meant to represent her vulnerability and feeling exposed in the base suit, but they are still present in the Gravity Suit) and how the shoulder protrusions look in the Gravity Suit, like it's deformed, exposing the wiring underneath again. Also I REALLY didn't like the green light lines of the chest part going down to the stomach in the Gravity Suit. Looked silly. Like a competitive swimsuit design. Metroid Prime design still reigns supreme.

-Overall, I liked it! Cool Metroid game.

[madtomedgar]

Books read in april:

The Angel of History, Rabih Alameddine: Truly amazing book. Big themes of self-erasure, colonial violence, grief. Digs into the ways in which USAmerican definitions of mentally healthy can encourage self-erasure, or amputation of grief and memory, draws parallels between the deliberate cultural amnesia around the AIDS epidemic and the current, immediate invisibilization of anti-Arab violent colonial projects. Beautiful writing. The author truly delights in words, and is flagrantly self-indulgent about it, and I loved that. More people should just throw around words like gelid and inanition. I also loved the experimental nature of the narrative, the non-linear trajectory, the back and forth between allegorical dreamscapes/hallucinations, the main character’s current narration, his journals, and his short stories. However, if you enjoy things like plot, you will not like this book because there is no plot. It is just a multi-layered portrait of this one man’s life. So, I loved it, but not for everyone.

The Black Tides of Heaven, Neon Yang: Mainly I think Yang should fire their publisher, because this book read like a fleshed out outline that, in a year or so, could be a really good fantasy novel. I liked the world building a lot, but everything was too rushed to have an emotional impact. There was no time to explore why the twins have so much hate and fear towards their mother, it’s just asserted that they do, and the reader is meant to just go with that perspective. The main character has a massive shift in perspective and values, and it happens over literally a page and a half. This makes it very hard to buy, because there is just no development of anything. This includes the two romances, and the gender angst (though the gender angst is the most fleshed out part of the book). I think I would have hated the gender angst less if it had been more developed. As it was, it read very... weirdly essentialist? In that the second the one twin starts identifying as a woman, her character suddenly becomes the most Stereotypical (straight) Girl Character ever, and once characters choose their binary gender, they are perfectly socially conforming. Also, I don’t really buy... worlds with reverse sexism (so, women are seen as Better, and it’s A Problem that the main character decides to be a Man) where a compelling case for how this developed isn’t made? In cases like this, where the story is told from a male point of view, it feels like an MRA fantasy rather than critiquing a thing by turning it on its head in fiction. The evil mom is very sexy and highly effective. I don’t know... this story felt very personal and self-indulgent in particular ways, and I think is probably tied up a lot in the author’s own journey, and I’m happy this story exists for people to whom its narrative speaks, but it rubbed me the wrong way.

Voices of the Matriarchs: Listening to the Prayers of Early Modern Jewish Women, Chava Weissler: Interesting close history of the devotional literature produced for, and sometimes by, Ashkenazi women between 1600 and 1900. I appreciate that the author was open about her personal struggles with this history as both a feminist scholar and a Jewish woman. I appreciate that she didn’t tie herself in knots trying to find something she could use to argue that actually, our foremothers were super badass and the idea that they were oppressed and suppressed is modern misogyny read backwards! but instead was rigorously faithful to the picture her sources painted about the religious lives of these women and how truly cut off from mysticism and the higher levels of religious practice they were because of systemic misogyny within Ashkenazi culture, and how they still managed to carve out a small slice of meaning within it for themselves, but the slice is very small. However, this is a book I think you need a background in Jewish studies to really appreciate, and I don’t have that background, so there were parts I know I didn’t get fully. I do think the insistence on standard (that is, English) terminology for everything in a book that conceptually requires a certain familiarity with Judaism was a little silly and jarring. I mainly mean the use of words like “Sabbath” instead of “Shabbat” or “tabernacle” instead of “Temple,” in that I really only see “sabbath” used in christian contexts, same with tabernacle. The part about Ashkenazic gender construction was very interesting, specifically the examination of the category of “Women and men who are like women in being ignorant (of Hebrew)” and how knowledge as the marker of masculinity for this culture (still is, but it’s a stark contrast to how especially modern western culture sees masculinity). She touches briefly on a shift in the late 1800s and early 1900s of the ideal for women going from working to support their husband’s Torah study to staying home and being good bourgeois wives while the husbands worked, and now I’m very curious about labor and economic earning dynamics in premodern Ashkenazi communities, how that shift went over with women, and how or if that had anything to do with the over-representation of Jewish women in American feminist movements.

[13skeletons]

oh boy. I woke up ready to rant about Siege of Dragonspear lol.

This is long and negative so if you like SoD, I am so sorry. I would genuinely love to know what you see in it because woof.

like. ok. I know we give ToB shit for being linear, but at least ToB gives you access to that statue in your base, very early on, that can summon companions for you to party with. I spent most of SoD with a less than full party because I wanted to run with the same people I'd had (minus Imoen. I have Thoughts on that too lol) and for some deranged reason Dorn is SUPER FAR in and locked in a cage? And then the reason for him being locked up is never even explained? (Unless I missed it somewhere, in my irritated rush to the end. Not impossible.)

Companion woes aside, ToB still gives you at least some choices. There are some branching paths, and the ending is not set. There are payoffs to earlier quests/moments that you can miss or not if you have the relevant items/flags. (Golden pantaloons, my beloved.) SoD didn't feel like it had any choices at all?

And the whole business with your gold getting "stored safely" and then getting gambled away and lost to you until the absolute very end of the game was so. Stupid. All that did was prevent me from buying very many of the new magic items at the shop in Baldur's Gate. And then the dude dies with a sword in his chest and Viconia is all "he is too far gone for me". GIRL YOU CAN RESURRECT THE DEAD WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. IT'S JUST A SWORD. THE BODY HAS TO BE MAIMED BEYOND RECOGNITION TO PREVENT RESSURECTION. MY GODS. So when you actually get the money back there's literally like 3 fights left in the whole game. What could you possibly need to buy at that point.

AND THEN. Imoen. What where they THINKING? They wanted to explain how she shows up dual-classed into mage in SoA. But that was literally never something that needed explaining. It is an EXTREMELY common tactic to dual class her at level 5 in BG1, and even if you didn't do that, dual-classing doesn't temporarily render you completely useless? Hello???? And they could've at least transferred her gear to Safana (or to me) when they tossed her into my party. But no, I just had a less-geared thief instead. Ugh.

And that doesn't even touch on the complete and total lack of balance to the combat encounters! Having trolls (and giant trolls. good lord) and dragons (not to mention a dragon with wyvern adds....) and mind flayers this early is BATSHIT INSANE. The enormous hordes of mooks that you wipe out with two fireballs render your melee fighters into wall-flowers. And then there's the enormous hordes of mooks that you can't throw fireballs at without hitting allied NPCs... (apparently Khalid died while breaking the siege and I didn't even realize because I was already so fed up at that point lmaooo). Whatever that tentacle boss was...

Also the total inability to manage your reputation carefully because you're on a railroad with set reputation gains and losses that you can do nothing about was really irritating to me personally because I prefer playing with mixed alignment groups. (Yes my evil friends did abandon me after the siege, forcing me to reload and figure out a way to lower my rep.) (And then later I encountered some random refugees and didn't even try to save them, I just killed the wolf that was near them, not realizing it was gonna give me reputation, and I had to reload AGAIN. But this time I was a lazy bastard and just fireballed everything, dropping my rep to like 6 and I never had to worry about it again lmao.) (Also while googling to try and find a way to deal with this issue, I read that it potentially causes problems for importing into BG2, which if that's true, I am gonna laugh somewhat hysterically.)

As for the "Hooded Man" (shut up she's so pretentious it's fucking Irenicus). I'm sorry but it literally makes no sense for him to be there. It makes no sense for him to be able to get into your dreams before he's ever even experimented on you.

Just. The whole thing ultimately felt totally unnecessary and I may well uninstall it to prevent the game from auto-loading me into it when next I complete BG1.

EDIT: I completely forgot about this because it's a comparatively minor complaint, but during the actual siege on the castle, there were so many mobs and NPCs that the game's audio essentially stopped working. There were so many characters trying do their "i took damage" noises that they'd play the first millisecond of one then the first millisecond of the next etc until the fight was over. Just a broken record of "arg-arg-arg-arg." lol. More evidence that no one reasonable balanced those encounters.

[semperama]

F1 Kink Meme Fic Recs

I'm probably late, and for all I know many of these have already been recced to heck and back, but since I was off tumblr and missed whatever conversations were happening, I just wanted to share my favorite kink meme fics with you all! Please feel free to reblog this to boost it, if you want, and if you read any of these and like them, please leave comments for their lovely authors!!

the price you pay for a loss of control by @kritischetheologie (George/Alex)

This one is angsty, so be warned, but it has immediately become one of my favorite fics I've read in this fandom just for how well-written and meticulously well-characterized it is. The George voice is so good it's out of this world.

what happens in vegas stays online forever by finedae (George/Alex)

An instant classic married-in-Vegas fic. Funny and sweet by turns. The characterization is amazing.

find my way by anonymous (Daniel/Max)

I love it when writers manage to transfer characters to such a wildly different universe (Star Wars in this case!) and still remain so true to the characters, and this does that. It pulled me in so completely in so few words.

sweet relief by anonymous (Daniel/Max)

I did not know it was possible to pack so much love and care and great writing and amazing characterization into a watersports fic, but this genius author did just that.

regrets, i've had a few by anonymous (Daniel/Cyril)

I would read a hundred Daniel/Cyril fics like this one, lol. So dirty and angsty and perfect. This is a version of Daniel we don't often see, but it feels so true and real.

a night, a scene, a town by anonymous (Daniel/Max)

Just some well-written, desperate, club bathroom sex. Very satisfying and INCREDIBLY hot.

overflow by anonymous (Seb/Lewis)

I'm a sucker for a non-linear narrative, and this is so, so incredibly well done. The writing is phenomenal and packed with so much depth, and it's also HOT and KINKY. It has everything!

my temple will be beautiful,too by @notthehardtyres (George/Daniel)

I'm sure you all have read this by now, but if you haven't, RUN, don't walk. Absolutely beautiful, moving, healing, sexy, perfect, will make you feel the entire spectrum of human emotion and probably cry.

come over and kill some time by anonymous (Daniel/Max)

I tend to be kind of hit-or-miss on always-a-girl!fic, but this is easily some of the hottest sex I've ever read. I need to fan myself just thinking about it.

Take What's Yours by anonymous (Daniel/Max)

The premise of this is crazy creative, and it's so well done. Everything is so well-described, and the tension is insane. I gasped out loud multiple times.

let the bells ring by anonymous (Daniel/Max)

This is so sweet it will rot your teeth, but in the best way. I had such a huge smile on my face by the end.

edge of desire by anonymous (Pierre/Charles)

Amazing, perfect, 10/10 sex pollen fic. I could read a million "sex pollen is what finally gets them together" fics, and this is a wonderful example of that trope.

riches and wonders by anonymous (Daniel/Max)

ADORE everything about this! The world-building! The outsider POV! The way the characters are developed so well without even being in their heads! This has become another instant fav for me. I've already reread it several times.

Not like any other love by anonymous (George/Alex)

The George/Alex angst writers really brought it during this kink meme. This fic hurt me deeply in the most satisfying way. The ending is so fucked up, and I mean that as the HIGHEST possible compliment.

[slivensays]

🗣 + 📄

So, if I'm reading this right: Talk about your favourite WIP + What’s a WIP you never finished that you would like to go back and revisit?

Oh, this is just right up my alley.

So.

Ok.

My fav WIP right now is my current fanfic “Finding new words”, which ties right into the only fanfic (to date) that I never finished. Which I have been given (or taken) the opportunity to go back to, and which, by the general layout of storyline, I will finish this time around.

Right. So, starting the wrong way around, the WIP I never finished was “Lost dreams of Rohan”, a story in which I meant to dive into the past of Gríma Wormtongue to try to figure out why he became a man ready to betray his country and what his motivation was. I had a plan for a linear story, starting in childhood and leading up to a pompous, yet yearning sort of character that would evolve into the Wormtongue best known to the general audience.

I think I meant for the story to be somehow connected to dream sequences, as I wrote the first chapter as a kind of summary; Gríma recounting the people in his life to ever have had dreams (or hopes) for him;

“Coming back to my homeland after many years, finding it smaller, smellier, the wind more cold, the plains much less impressive… in my memory, it was never so. I nursed a dream then, of change and of glory. But dreams can be dangerous. Dreams deceive us. And, in the end, so few things manage to live up to our dreams.

I should know. I, who hardly ever lived up to anyone’s dreams. And there were those who held dreams and hopes for me, once. You may not believe it, but there were. As the first, and only son, there was a father’s dream. It spoke of legacy, of bravery and glory. Perhaps it was the hardest dream to live up to.

No, I tell a lie. There was a mother’s dream for me, it sang a soft song of affection, of a life full of love and acceptance. There were eyes resting on me once, asking nothing of me. And then those eyes were gone, forever closed, and the world asked everything of me, and I crumpled. This was the hardest dream to live up to.”

Ah. In fanfiction, writing in first person is a bit of a turn off for a lot of people. Dunno why. Anyway. One of the weaknesses in this storyline is that there is no conflict. Which may or may not be the reason I couldn’t finish it back when I started it, nor find the motivation to revisit it.

But.

But.

But.

But by the time I wrote “Lost dreams”, I had recently finished another fic (“Seeking Knowledge”) which I had left hanging because of life and stuff and what have ya (it has its strengths and weaknesses, but I’m proud to have finished it).

And I had written a fic for the Gríma/Éomer niche of the fandom (The King’s Mercy), which was in fact initiated as an iteration of the “Gríma lives”-branch of the fandom that I had found by then.

So. On to question no. 1: my favourite WIP: “Finding new words”

Gee. What to say. I’ve taken some of the premise of “Lost dreams” and reworked them into a “King’s mercy” storyline, and I think it’s working just fine.

It’s (selective parts of) Gríma’s childhood and youth. About what shaped him. About that vulnerability that Brad Dourif managed to bring to the character, and where it came from.

I had the urge to write a short piece as a sequel of “King’s mercy” and was asked about a detail in Gríma’s past. And there it was, as though “Lost dreams”, was urging to me; this. This is it. This is how it begins. And it was.

…I just needed to follow all the red flags down the road from there, honestly.   

I’ve had a real blast with the world building for this fic, though. I’ve developed a bit of a mania for Viking/Medieval board- or dice-games, so… feel free to add interesting links to such, if it so pleases you.

… If there is a discord for ancient board games, say hi!

Edited to say thanks for the ask! :D

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

I won against my abuser in court recently!!! and before the court date I literally attempted sui with this whole full proof plan I’d be dead so I wouldn’t have to see my abuser, having my sui plan fail, going to the hospital and being in the psych ward for 3 weeks.

It was actually a pretty good experience in the psych ward even though I hear different, everyone was super nice (couple of really weird people but hey you know it’s a psych ward).

I learned about a lot of new therapies while in there I can utilize and when I’m done with IOP I’m starting more trauma therapies. I especially want to do EMDR, IFS, hypnotherapy, other stuff I made a list and have already done about 3 types of therapies for traumas if I’m ready to delve into triggering stuff I can do EMDR, but they warned me I may not be ready yet because the traumas are still fresh. I am doing shadow work which I started months ago but I’m getting back into it again I hear a lot of good things.

Im feeling better than ever and I’m on mood stabilizers and I’m feeling pretty on top of the world. So strange how before the psych ward I was so fucked up and dealing with the traumas and tried to kms, and now here I am and my anxiety is almost all gone. So strange the difference. I mean I still gotta deal with CPTSD and flashbacks but I learned ways to manage everything better.

Things can get better and it’s not a cliche it’s the truth to anybody reading. You’re all worth it and you’re all loved. And FVCK your abusers because you’re better than them and you’re a GOOD human being.

Hi anon,

I'm sorry to hear about your attempt, but I'm so glad to hear that you won against your abuser in court!

While there definitely are valid horror stories out there, psych wards are there to help you, and my sister has positive experiences there as well. I'm glad that you could find some coping mechanisms and other tools through your experience there.

I've heard great things about EMDR, IFS, and shadow work. I hope that your exploration of these modalities can help you further in your recovery. I'm also just happy to hear that you're feeling better than ever. Healing isn't linear and so you will have your setbacks, but it's good knowing you're at this point in your recovery.

Thank you for sharing the positive affirmations! Hope you have a wonderful evening. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[pyrrhocorax]

Hi there was a playlist attached to one of your fics on ffn.net, I tried to find it today but it looks like your fics there are deleted :( do you still happen to have the playlist somewhere? I understand if you have moved on from that era of your digital footprint.

oooooh interesting! it does initially look like that everything is gone, but somehow i managed to. work around it??? and get back in there??? so i have access to everything and i am gonna. likely back everything up for posterity's sake. not sure where????? but i likely should re-upload all my really old writing somewhere. maybe orphan it on AO3 ?????? ?? idk i gotta think about it. so thanks for the head's up actually. i have def moved on from some of it in the sense that i wrote those stories as an extremely unstable mentally ill teenager with a laundry list of diagnosed mental/developmental disorders that i should have been institutionalized for that was deeply traumatized by a lot of things and trying to sort it all out. it was def a project of the times and my mental state/being a Youth. so i am not completely removed from it (why i left everything up -- writing helped me figure stuff out, but also helped a LOT of other people struggling with those same things, and that's what matters most to me, that i helped somebody who is struggling as deeply as i was back then, even if i've changed my interpretations of things since and would drastically re-write entire aspects of it if i re-wrote it today). and the way i view my writing is once it is in the public space it is no longer fully mine and my intent behind it is on the same level as another person's interpretation of my intent. i don't really remember what i write after i write it ngl, so it ceases to feel like it is fully mine to me once it's been a few months. ANYWAY rambling sorry my Assumption is that you are talking about Silence??? In which case, here is the soundtrack, Song - Band - any special time I used the song specifically Springleik - Gåte - Negative: Switch (Chapter 1) Curtigh - Punch Brothers - Positive: Siblings (Chapter 13) Packt Like Sardines in a Crush'd Tin Box - Radiohead - Negative Vault (Chapter 18) The Blind Leaving the Blind Mvt 2 - Punch Brothers - Denmark-centric chapters Fljótavik - Sigur Rós - Positive chapters Built For This - Ben Sollee - Positive: Every (Chapter 23), Iceland-centric And the Forest Began to Sing - Röyksopp - nature-centric chapters Singing with the Whales - Yukimi Yamamoto - Negative: Ships (Chapter 26) 3055 - Ólafur Arnalds - negative chapters Fel del Av Gården - Movits! - Positive: Siblings (Chapter 13), Positive: Hidden (Chapter 7) Tornado - Jónsi - negative chapters Everything Can Explode - The Ghost - positive chaoters Brand New Sidewalk - Nickel Creek - Neutrality: Equilibrium Little Talks - Of Monsters and Men - general theme You Are - Punch Brothers - the song Denmark sings in Positive: Skype (Chapter 25) i also remade it for you here: Youtube Playlist (says there is one thing missing for some reason?) Spotify Playlist (unfortunately missing a few songs too) also spoilers under cut for a new project i am going to be working on in the near future below b/c it is relevant to Silence, if Silence was important to you.

the next project i am going to write is a direct sequel to Sendlingur og Sandloá (era 2 pyrr writing, versus silence is era 1, we're currently beginning era 3), if you have ever read it. technically speaking, the few main things I still really like about Silence (unusual non-linear narrative structure, nor being mute, some of the philosophic arguments it makes, etc) and some of the events of Silence are "canon" prequel events to what happens in SOS. Silence isn't a prequel to SOS, but Silence is essentially the prototype version of SOS in that without Silence, SOS would have never existed and SOS was directly built upon Silence's corpse. i mean death of the author and all of that, but there isn't any denying that if you analyze the two works i think that is a very easy conclusion to come to. the new project i'm currently formulating is essentially taking SOS and those aspects of Silence i think are still valuable now that i am nearly twice as old as when i wrote it, and putting them both into a blender and seeing what happens when i reconstruct them. you will not have to read Silence or even SOS to read it, but if you have read either or both you'll go AH YOU MOTHERFUCKER at me, probably, a lot, when reading it. :/

ANYWAY SORRY FOR RAMBLING i am a ramblin sort of man lol.