#if i cant make little fucking objects my life is empty

[macybay947]

why do i alienate my friends when im depressed just to be depressed that we're not talking? the World May Never Know

[quesadillawizard]

Reposting from Old Blog

what the fuck is up everyone I got a story idea from a dream I had after only getting two hours of sleep on a work night. deets under the cut.

FIRST RECORDING OF THE DREAM’S INFO SPAMMED IN A CHAT

oh god its like fleeting images bushes turning into wings people could use a man that was a lantern given human form a horse buggy with no horse but it had spider legs being on the run from someone bad with a gang of kids a diner called Bazooka Joe's somethinga bout an old traffic tunnel it was vaaaaaaaaaaaaarely vaguley pkemon related then it swapped to minecraft the man who was on the run with the kids looked like the humanized version of jack skellington i draw sometimes the bad guys were these giant long dragons one of them made out of corn husks and one was all black and called The Ugly and like, the guy was leading the kids around and showing them all kinds of cool shit so they wouldnt be scared while subtly keeping an eye out for the dragons who like, knew him personally I think they were either trying to get home or get them to a certain point in the weird world because there were a lot of nonsense things kind of like in the phantom  tollbooth oh well time to go to work on two hours of sleep but those two hours gave me that

After spending all day thinking about it at work and telling a few oher folks about it, I arrived at a first draft of what would become the story’s bones.

So there are four kids who are at a camp (ala digimon) who get lured into the woods by a strange light and then find themselves in this weird out of place town that seems nearly abandoned but has tons of weird touristy attractions like places to eat, shop, rides to go on, and generally neat stuff because its empty adn NO PARENTS HERE!!! and this tall dude in black with a sick mustache who calls himself Mr. Fetch swoops in to be their tour guide and leads them through all kinds of whimsical fun shit some of it's dangerous, some of it's weird, but most of it is fun and HE is also super fun because he's all magic and shit While he's hanging with the kids, he starts getting sort of attached to them (sorry spilled my water) then, at one point, they are attacked by a monster and they try to defend Mr. Fetch because they see him as a feeble old man and he is Moved by this and steps in to Stop Them From Doing That and gets his ass kicked in a very significant way as he fends off the beast he is Injured  and loses the use of a lot of his powers during the fight but he doesn't let on because he doesnt want to scare them and also EGO the monster that he fended off goes back to tell a weird gross black dragon called The Ugly that there are children in the town The Ugly used to be a beautiful dragon, one of a pair that had a falling out because The Ugly wanted to use the powers they had for evil and that made them gross and so the other dragon left him and sealed him in a tower so he couldn't hurt anyone The Ugly desires the SOULS AND BLOOD OF CHILDREN so that he may become beautiful again and attract his mate back (he misses the fact that he was who made himself ugly) He communicates with his few servents with a husk puppet of the other dragon he made to keep himself company with He also keeps himself company with a bunch of objects that were in the castle that he brought to life sort of like a reverse beauty-and-the-beast situation and these objects are his lackies that he uses to hunt down anyone youthful and beautiful it is revealed that Mr. Fetch used to be a lantern and was the first object that The Ugly transformed but he put too much magic into him and gave him free will and after a little while of being his servant, decided FUCK THAT and became a free agent of chaos in the town Mr. Fetch makes it like, his life's duty to fuck with The Ugly his original plan was to lure the kids into the world, parade them in front of The Ugly like NENER NENER and then whisk them away home before anything bad happened since The Ugly cant leave his tower but now Mr. Fetch is injured and caaaaaaaaaant do that nearly as easily as he thought he could and now he's gone and gotten ATTACHED to the kids the light in his lamp is out and more lackies are coming after him and the kids so he's trying his best to finish this little wonderland trip with them without letting them know that they are in Actual Danger now instead of Fun Danger and THAT IS WHAT I HAVE

this is all VERY scattered but I wanted to have it somewhere as early as I could to show my work.

[nefamphetamine]

im gonna add a little addition here because i think its necessary and maybe having it float around tumblr will help even just a handful of people out.

i think that able bodied people being assholes about giving up their seats is primarily due to them genuinely not understanding the repercussions of their actions on disabled folks.

i am chronically ill. i use a cane. im not going to get into the specifics of my condition but here are a few reasons why i, and subsequently others, use a cane:

it helps me be better aware of the level of fatigue i may be experiencing, and helps me maneuver from point a to point b. before i had the cane i would find myself sitting down and unable to get up for at least an hour. in public areas. for obvious reasons, this is dangerous.

it helps me maneuver when i am unsteady, whether that's due to fatigue or because of a sensitivity to motion in front of me. for example, i have to look away from trains as they pull into the station because it gives me vertigo. that vertigo can trigger more vertigo, which can then be triggered by something as simple and unavoidable as people passing by in front of me. my eyes go crossed and it is hard to move around in a crowd when the crowd itself fucks your vision. now try managing that with extreme fatigue.

i am more likely to lose my balance, fall, and hurt myself standing in a train car.

if i dont sit and conserve my energy (this is a really important phrase so please remember this) i am VERY likely to be bedridden for the next day at least.

at least.

that means not being able to go to classes or do work. that means not being able to provide myself with food because i will not be able to go upstairs to the kitchen. it means pushing off showering because the heat is more likely to trigger my cardiac symptoms.

cardiac symptoms. my symptoms make it EXTREMELY difficult to go up stairs.

subway stations are never as accessible as they should be. elevators may be tucked away in a foul, sketchy corner. i will not be going into that elevator because i am not looking to get harassed (or worss), thanks.

to summarize, there are many reasons why a single person may need the chair instead of you. let us sit. it is humiliating and exhausting to have to ask, often repeatedly, for people without mobility aids to get the fuck up and let us sit.

on that note, because this is deeply frustrating to me, i also want to mention elevators.

some basic manners:

let the disabled person into the fucking elevator first.

as always, allow space for the cane (or other mobility aid).

and for the love of god, do not manhandle us or force your body against mine and press me to the elevator just so you dont have to wait for the next one.

because next time I'll be waiting, and I'll be ready to hit back. i am not an object, i am a human being. i deserve to take up space.

i live in nyc, one of the most progressive cities on the planet. it says a lot that people like me are so mistreated. people speak a lot of empty shit about accessibility and equality or equity, whatever.

there's been a lot of really unfortunate events in stations lately, like shootings and suicides. it's awful. these events tend to result in thousands of people having to figure out alternate routes home. it's frustrating for everyone.

but for the love of anything good, please take a minute to breathe. dont let that stop you from being a decent human being and treating others the way they deserve. yes, it's tempting to inconvenience others, and even YOURSELF, to get instant gratification. instant results. but there are people who are struggling in ways you may never be able to comprehend who are also trying to get home and your treatment of them genuinely might dictate the path of their life. interpret that however you want. it goes many ways.

just be mindful of others. you cant be expected to know everything, but you absolutely should uphold the basic social contract and treat people decently.

do better.

me when i have to ask for a seat on a bus

[imaginewarehouse]

Mr Snake x Reader || Oneshot

Plot: Yes, another one. This is about Mr Snake, a toy truck, and the only kid that ever turned up to one of his birthday parties.

Warnings: ** SPOILERS ** Also some swearing. I really think Snake would be a huge swearer if this was not a kids movie.

🔆🔆🔆

As soon as the group turned up in their hide out and saw everything valuable that was once crammed in there, every gold bar and every priceless artefact, was gone- panic immediately ensued. They spread throughout the sad, empty room, searching for just a trinket, left over from a life of crime, but finding zip.

Stopping dead in his tracks in the middle of the room, Piranha's eyes blow open as wide as dinner plates when realisation comes to him. "All our stuff!!" He yells, head whipping around to look for anything, anything at all- but not even one shiny object has been left behind.

"Wha- " Snake climbs a pillar, getting an aerial view of the sad, empty apartment. "Where is everything? It's ALL gone!?"

Shark yanks open a closet door, and gasps. "My disguise closet!!"

"Where's my things?!" Webs demands, panicking.

"Wolf gave away all our loot!!" Snake's jaw drops. "Years of work! We stole that stuff, fair and square!"

As Piranha is starting to really struggle to keep it together, something pops into Snakes head and his pupils dilate- rushing suddenly right past his distraught friends to a corner of the room, where he shifts floorboard out of place and reaches into the crevice and takes out... Relief washes over him. At least Wolf left this for me, Snake thinks bitterly, tucking the small, rusty toy semi truck into his pocket. Fucking everything else is gone, though. Fuck!

Still, despite the harsh, angry beating of his heart against his chest as his blood pressure reaches boiling point, he cant help but feel the tiniest bit relieved- that he still had the truck. It shouldn't mean as much to him as it does, but he just cant throw it away.

And to have it taken- would just have made matters worse then they already were.

~

After all the mess, of... well, prison, all the group wanted to do is return back to some semblance of normalcy. Not their normal, of course, because... they are 'good guys' now, but... something resembling their old life. Their free life.

Mr Shark was convinced by Diane to join a local theatre group - or, just 'check it out', at first. But that soon became him stealing every one of their shows away... in the good sense of the phrase, - , the group pushed Mr Piranha to join a gym - somewhere for him to get out all the pent up crazy that that little guy somehow possesses, - , Webs decided to try blogging - building her own website from scratch was the easy part. Finding stuff to talk about was harder, but as soon as she realised she could profit off of the level of infamy they attained and the internet's odd interest in them, she soon became very popular with over 7 billion followers. A lot of top brands pay her to advertise now, too. She is now the main breadwinner of the group. - , and Mr Wolf and the Governor quickly found a place for him at the office. He's her receptionist- and Snake finds it hilarious. But it works for Wolf; He likes it.

Snake has found it the hardest, constantly fighting against his worse instincts and getting pulled up by his friends when he struggles. But, he got a job at a local, hole-in-the-wall type bar as a bartender and its not been too bad. He doesn't have to watch himself so much, there. He can make as many jokes about robbing the joint as he likes, and people, including the owner- just laugh, because theirs no money in the place. Why would he want to take from them? Plus, he gets to beat some people up sometimes which is always fun.

This is where he finds himself now, working the boring early hours of the bar on a Wednesday, when no one sans sad, unemployed people come around to drink their losses away and their is occasionally a mothers club coming around for a pick-me-up and fries after dropping off their kids at school. He's just wiping the bench up for the um-teenth time, bored out of his mind, and about to drop his head on the wood and take a nap, when the doors finally open for the first time in 2 and a half hours; A group walking in and taking a table near the TV set up high on the wall in the far corner.

A couple of them already look tipsy, which is funny seeing as its 1 o'clock on a Wednesday, but one of the sober ones disconnect from the group quickly and saddle over to the bar in front of Snake-

And as soon as eyes meet, both yours and Snake's widen to the size of dinner plates on realisation of who you're looking at.

"Y/N?!"

Snake doesn't know what to think. All that's flying through his mind looking at you after all these years is your name, and a picture of the truck now living in is bed side table, and god how fucken pretty you turned out.

A beam quickly spreads across your face, and its just like he's right back in pre-school. Light still, clearly, shines out of your ass. Man, he's never seen someone look at him like that since... well, you. Not right off the bat! No way! Even Wolf had to warm up to him- but not you, no not you. You never had to. Even when you were kids and the rest of the class had already made up their minds about him, and maybe he'd already given into those already made-up perceptions and given them merit too, you were never anything but kind to him.

For whatever reason. He still didn't know.

"Snake!" He had forgotten how his name sounds when you say it, and he is so freaken glad to hear it again. It sounds just like a name, when you say it. Theirs nothing connected to it. Not 'you asshole', or any iffy tones that show they already hate him.

Its just his name. And you sound happy to say it, too.

"Uhhh- uh, how- how have you been? Its been a while... " God how dumb does he sound right now? Its been nearly 40 years! He shakes his head, trying to knock the stupid out. "Um, I mean, uh... I thought you moved out of town??"

... right, well, that wasn't better. At all.

You give a light hearted giggle, sliding into the bar stool across from him. "I've been great! I did move out of the city, but I'm back now. Didn't work out."

"Oh, what didn't?" Boy, is he glad-

"My husband." Oh shit- Snake looks like he has no idea how to respond to that, before you give another laugh. "That was at least 20 years ago now... But how have you been??"

"I- I've... been... good... " How much should he share? Can he tell you that he's been in prison for the last year? ... Yeahhhh, nah, a little lie by omission never hurt anyone- "Working in this dump though, so, could be better." He jokes, the talking to you thing getting slightly easier by the moment.

You have a comforting vibe about you. Like warm bread and clean sheets and dandelions- or... something... Jesus christ, you haven't been here 5 minutes and he's already thinking like a sop.

"Well, I haven't been here for long yet- but everything looks better after a couple shots." Winking, you grin at him as a slow grin starts to spread across his face, too. "No- this place is nice so far! Don't sell yourself short- Uh... "

All of a sudden, one of the people you walked in with is calling to you from the table, and you turn your head to see what they want. They're waving you over, and you turn back to Snake with an eye roll. He raises his brows.

"You gotta get back to your pals?"

Looking a little hesitant to leave, you give a little sigh. "I better. Do you think I could get a plate of tequila shots and a coke?"

"I'll send 'em over." Snake smirks- but, warmly. If any of the others were there to see it, they would have teased him to death. "Who's the loser ordering soda at a bar, though?"

"Me." You reply brightly, slipping off the stool. "I think this place is already looking pretty good." Giving him one last, almost cheeky grin, you hop off back to your friends.

Snake does not know what in the hell just hit him.

~

After he gets home, Snake feels no need to tell his friends what happened at work - especially since they would all make fun of him if he did tell them, - , so he stayed quiet. Acted normal. Even though, on the inside, he was still struggling; Your name, the truck, and how goddamn pretty you ended up racing through his head.

Too bad Wolf seems to know everything going on in this damn town and had his eye on his friend from the moment Snake got in the car.

It wasn't until breakfast the next morning, though, when everyone is just doing their own thing to get the day started - Webs scrolling through her Tumblr with droopy eyes, Piranha using the blender to make what was supposed to be a health smoothie but which lost all redemption when he put in two fat blocks of chocolate, Snake scowling over a big mug full of hot, bitter coffee, and Shark holding his head up over the counter with a script spread over it, muttering the words under his breath, - that he decides to... 'mention' it.

"... So! Snake! I heard your romantic interest is in town- when were you going to introduce us?"

The mug of hot coffee goes flying, and Wolf ducks out of its way with an easy grace that deeply frustrates Snake, as he lets his head fall back on his neck and a guttural sounding groaaaaaan escape him as the rest of the group explodes into a cacophony of questions.

Of course- of course, Wolf knows. The dick.

"LOVE interest!?" Shark exclaims, highly and kind of horrified at the prospect.

"Wait- are we talking about the kid that got you that toy truck for your birthday one year??" Webs asks, putting her phone down.

"They wouldn't be a kid anymore, chica, look at him! They'd be ancient, too!"

"Ohhhh, you're riiiight."

Wolf delicately covers his maw with a hand, badly hiding his amusement as Snake straightens up again, snapping at Piranha. "Neither of us are ancient, actually- "

"Are they a guy, or a girl, or gender neutral, or what?" Webs interrupts him, getting a deadpanned look. "I had you pinned as bi but Shark bet me 20 bucks that you're gay."

"I mean- well- look at that shirt, man." Shark explains, giving the Hawaiian button up a wince.

Snake sighs, looking straight forward rather then at any of his stupid friends. "Classified."

"Oh, come on!"

"We have got to knowwww!" Piranha insists, slapping his hands onto the marble bench between he and Snake, but getting no response.

"Guys, I think we're missing the real problem here- does this mean theirs two of him???!" Shark asks, levels of panic rising in his voice. That could be bad.

Wolf shrugs, an 'ehh' coming out of him. "They're actually pretty nice, I gotta say."

That grabs Snakes attention back, as his head whips around to look dumbfounded at Wolf. "What do you mean- " Wolf's never met Y/n! He couldn't have-

"Oh good," Shark sighs, relieved- then turns to Snake again with a much more excited, teasing disposition. "In that case- when are you bringing them over for dinner?" Webs and Piranha nod, enthusiastic about that particular prospect.

But Snake's focused on Wolf now, eyes narrowing. "... you didn't."

"I used the governors database to find out where Y/N lives and works, and 'ran into them' on their rout to work." Piranha gasps, at Wolf's cool response. Is that allowed??

"First of all, that's pretty invasive for a supposed 'good guy'," Snake begins, thinking for a good second that he has some kind of leverage. "Second of all, how did your goody-two-shoes governor girlfriend react to that, huh?"

"Diane came with me. She and Y/N are having lunch Saturday."

Snakes head makes hard contact with the bench. "Ughhh... "

Webs and Shark fall into desperate laughter, holding their stomachs. This is too good!

"Anyway," Wolf's aloof voice cuts through the cackling and doesn't seem at all affected by his best friends death glare as he picks up the phone off of the counter. "I also learned their number... " Snake's eyes zero in on Wolf's thumb pushing in digits, dread seeping into his chest. When he's done, he stops just before pressing dial, and looks sternly up at Snake. "I am not letting you watch this one escape- we are doing this- whether you like it or not!"

For a few scary moments, the room is silent after that. They can all hear the blood pumping in their ears- because everyone is looking at Snake, waiting for his response. Will he be angry? Will he attack? Will he tell Wolf to press call!??

A final moment passes, and Snake's eyes shift to the door- then back to Wolf's just as quickly. Wolf's eyes widen. No-

Snake moves, attempting to make a run for it- but doesn't get far before Wolf grabs him and drags him cursing back to the bench. "You- deserve- happiness! Now get your ass back here and call them!"

"No! Back off man! I'm happy dying alone- I'll BITE you!- "

"You wouldn't dare." Wolf growls.

"You wouldn't dare!" Snake rasps, looking pointedly from Wolfs face to the phone in his hand.

"... Yeah, hi, is this Y/N L/N? Oh, hi! I'm Webs, and I'm calling on behalf of my friend- Do you know a Mr Snake?" Suddenly the sound of Webs talking calmly, but with a definite undertone of genuine excitement, breaks through the fight- and both Snake and Wolf turn promptly to her with wide eyes.

Wolf's jaw drops to his knees, practically, and his grip on Snake loosens enough for the older man to slip out- going for Webs now.

Shark jumps in between them though, holding up a finger in front of Snake's glaring face and wagging it. "Uh uh uh! You deserve love, man! Let us help you!"

"Yeah?" Snake hisses. "Well, I disagree! Now get out of my way- "

"Oh that's great! He's right here. Here," Webs pushes the phone across the bench towards Snake, who turns his glare on it... then slowly to her. Does she really expect him to pick that up? He's not gonna-

"Hello?" A familiar, though tinny sounding, voice comes from the phone after a moment and immediately Snake's face goes slack. Shit!

Snatching up the phone quickly; He presses it to his ear, and gulps. "Um... Y/N?"

And you say his name again in that absolutely, unexplainably perfect way that you do- and he knows that he's doomed.

Y/N. Truck. Fucking shit- they sound pretty, too.

As the two of you talk, Webs turns proudly to an equally smarmy Shark; They share a high-five. "Hm. Easy as pie."

Meanwhile Piranha whines that Webs got to talk to you and he didn't and Wolf pats him on the back in comfort.

[winterscaptain]

through and through.

Aaron Hotchner x Gender Neutral Reader

a/n: this is our ajf minimal loss fic! as (usually) usual, its more fun if you read the rest of the series, but this one stands on its own just fine. lemme know what you think!!

words: 5.8k warnings: canon-typical violence, death, and injury, language, aaron Flexing on These Hoes™

summary: the septarian sect ranch situation is hard enough with the memories of waco. the knowledge you’re in danger, along with reid and prentiss, has aaron on edge. 

masterlist | a joyful future masterlist | requests closed!

“Everyone just stay calm!” 

Nancy turns, assuring you with a naive and placating smile, “I’m state police. I’m an officer of the state.” 

Stupid. Stupid!

“Well, there’s nothing we can do right now.” Emily, ever the voice of reason, assures from behind you. 

“We just have to calm down.” Your useless attempt at de-escalation is overrun by gunfire. 

“I can talk to him.” Lunde turns to go, and you reach for the back of her shirt, trying to pull her back. 

You manage to get past the goons in the front, while they stop Emily. There’s only one chance. “No, Nancy! Wait.” 

As you run after her out of the tunnel to the main level, you give her more and more space. The noise and smoke is a little overwhelming and you almost lose her in your confusion and distraction. Cyrus shouts to cease fire, but it’s in vain. The gunfire echoes around you, and you can’t help but think of Aaron. 

What if I don’t come home? 

She rushes to the front of the building, by the window, and addresses Benjamin. “Mr. Cyrus, let me talk to them.” 

You catch up to here in the chapel, reaching for her arm to pull her back to safety when something stops you. You can’t feel it at first, but when you watch Lunde drop to the ground, you know. 

Fuck. 

Hitting the deck right away, you put pressure on the gunshot wound that’s torn through your left shoulder. You breathe deeply, fighting the panic you know will only hurt you more. The shock still numbs the pain and when you look, it seems through and through. The back of your blazer is ripped through, and there’s a hole in the wall behind you. 

That’s a comfort. 

The last thing you needed was a .223 round bouncing around in your chest. You’re grateful enough it didn’t tear your arm off entirely.

You crawl around the corner and press yourself against the wall. With a groan, you remove your blazer and tie it around your shoulder as best you can. You chance a glance at Nancy, but she's already gone - unseeing eyes turned toward the ceiling, her hand limp on the carpet, blood blossoming across the chest of her teal blouse.

Damn it.

Cyrus’s men shout around you, and it feels more and more like an active warzone with every passing second  

“Man down, man down! We can’t stay here!” 

“Hold your fire!” 

You breathe as deeply as you can, tucking your arm to your belly and closing your eyes. The gunfire slowly ceases, the movement around you becoming only a little less frantic. 

Aaron will know. He’ll find us. We’ll be okay. 

Your shoulder twinges. The adrenaline is starting to wear off, and you only hope you go into shock soon for the sake of your pain tolerance. 

Aaron, please. Please hurry. 

+++

“Morgan.” JJ bursts through the glass doors and unmutes the television in the corner. 

“What’s up?” 

She increases the volume, and they hear, “... a routine question and answers meeting by Colorado Child Services has turned into a violent and deadly standoff between Colorado authorities and a fringe religious group known as the Septarian Sect.” 

Morgan stands, ready to leap into action. “JJ...That’s not the ranch were -”

“They’re still inside.” 

Derek’s voice rockets across the office as he calls for Hotch, who immediately ends his call and leaves his office, leaning heavily on the banister. Derek tells him you’re still in there, with Reid and Prentiss. 

“...at least three child services members are still trapped inside the compound.” 

No. 

Aaron swallows heavily, 

Keep your head, Hotcher. It’ll be okay. 

Phones start ringing all at once. Everyone looks to Aaron, and he’s already back in his office, grabbing his things. He flies back out, blazer slung over his shoulder and go bag in-hand. “Wheels up. Now.” 

+++

You watch as they haul Lunde’s body out of the way. Someone helps you to your feet. You’re feeling pretty dizzy. 

“Can I have some water? Please?” You know for certain you’re in shock now, and keeping your blood pressure and volume high enough is the only way you’ll make it out alright.

“We’ll get you what you need after we take you back to your people.” 

There’s always been a little part of you that believes in the nugget of humanity in people. Today, it might just save your life.

Emily rushes to you as you step down into the basement. Reid hovers, nervous and watchful. Emily’s voice is steady. “We need water and medical attention.” 

“First aid kit is in the corner.” Cyrus points and Reid jets off to grab it while Cyrus continues giving direction. Someone hands her three bottles of water, and she sets them by your side.

Emily’s hand flutters over your forehead, as if checking you for fever. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine. Through and through. Just gotta stop the bleeding.” You know you’re slurring your words a little bit, but it’s not as bad as it could be. 

“I prayed this day would never come, but it has.” Cyrus shoulders a rifle. “God will see us through.”

Fuck. 

Cyrus’s eyes linger on you and Emily a little longer than is comfortable, but that’s the least of your worries. Spencer returns with the kit, pulling out packing gauze and wrapping. 

Emily helps you with your blazer and shirt, leaving your shoulder exposed to the mountain air. Spencer packs your wound while Emily starts wrapping the gauze around your ribs and shoulder. “You’re gonna be okay.” 

You put a hand on her arm. “I know. Thanks.”

+++

Hotch comes to a screaming stop in the SUV, his suit jacket long gone in the Colorado heat. He immediately makes assignments. “Dave, I’m making you lead negotiator.”

“Me?” Dave asks. 

“Why go to the students when I have the teacher?” Aaron’s eyes are probing and hold all the respect in the world for his dear friend. 

“Because the teacher is emotionally involved!” Dave cants his head toward the compound, and Aaron’s eyes follow, as if searching for you. Dave’s eyes stay steady on Aaron - watching him look for you. “And so is the Agent in Charge.”

With a defeated sigh, Aaron cops to it. “I know I am. This is a unique situation.” At Dave’s squint, he continues. “We have three agents who could affect the outcome on the inside.” His voice is low and riddled with tension. The concern radiates off of him in waves, and he can only hope it passes as concern for the whole team. 

In truth, it’s almost all for you. He can’t explain it, but he knows something isn’t right.

“I can’t be objective. I know them too well.” Dave does everything he can to pull Aaron from direct control, but he knows it's a lost cause. More than one part of him knows why. 

Aaron’s jaw tightens, and he’s more intense than before when he replies, “This outcome depends as much on our ability to predict the moves of our team as Cyrus. That’s why you’re the best man for the job.” 

“Assuming they’re still in a position to make moves.” 

The thought is near-unbearable. He softens, taking another approach. 

“I know how bad this is. That’s why I want you doing the talking.”

“Alright.” 

Aaron claps Dave on the shoulder, and it’s a silent thanks. Before they can move, there’s more commotion around the back of the FBI staging area. 

Goddamn it. What now?

“...I’m sorry sir, I’m under direct orders from the FBI.” 

Dave and Aaron share a glance, and Aaron leads the way to the argument. 

“I’m the Attorney General of this state.” 

He can’t help it. A smirk crosses Aaron’s face. 

Lawyers. Alright. I can do lawyers. 

There’s also a part of him relieved that he can offload some of this stress into some kind of altercation. An opportunity to flex his Juris Doctorate never hurts. 

“I demand to know why I wasn’t told that the FBI was sending undercover agents into the Septarian Ranch -”

Alright. That’s it. 

Aaron turns, an insulting kind of disbelief on his face. Steadily and without haste, he approaches. “The only thing that you’re in the position to demand is a lawyer.” A spike of anger strikes his chest. 

He knew about this raid. He knew and he failed to tell us. 

And now his people are in trouble. 

You are in trouble. 

“Who the hell are you?” The overblown AG turns on Aaron. 

Big mistake. 

“I’m Aaron Hotchner. Unit Chief. I’m the guy who’s gonna tell the Attorney General of the United States whether to charge you with obstructing a federal investigation or negligent homicide.” 

And it’s not an empty threat, dipshit. 

“You can’t talk to me like that.” Was that a smug smile on his face? 

Aaron steps up to him, nearly nose to nose. The adrenaline and anger and fear floods through him and leaks through his words. “Get off my crime scene.” 

Hard brown eyes stare down weak blue ones. Aaron wins. 

+++

“Then leave us alone.” Cyrus’s voice belies no tension as he paces. Your eyes follow him, much more alert now that much of the bleeding has stopped and you have some water in you. Emily strapped ice to your shoulder about twenty minutes ago. You might end up with a little nerve damage, but it's better than bleeding to death. 

“I’m afraid we can’t do that, Benjamin.” Dave takes a breath, delivering the information steadily. “One of the police bled out on the way to the hospital. So let’s just stop this before things get worse.”

Aaron’s brows, already low, get even lower. Derek, hovering behind Rossi, takes note. The tension in his unit chief is different and he doesn’t know what it is. 

“Please,” Dave continues, “just put down your guns and come out.”

A buzzing takes over Aaron’s senses for a moment, and he shakes his head to rid himself of it. He reaches down for a bottle of water, downing half of it before he puts it back down. 

“Now, the four child service workers…” That catches Aaron’s attention, and he snaps to. “One of them is dead. It wasn’t us.” 

You bite your lip, watching Benjamin pace near the door. That phrasing will do nothing but panic your team, and you know it. Tipping your head against the wall behind you, you throw out anything you can. 

I’m alright, Aaron. We’re okay. 

Aaron’s head drops and he wets his lips. He closes his eyes, doing his best to keep himself from running straight for the compound. 

No. Please. I’ll get what I get for wishing it’s someone else, but please let it be someone else. Anyone else.

What if it was Prentiss?

What if it was Reid? 

Guilt floods him and he pushes the thoughts aside. 

Dave keeps his voice clear and even. The depth of Aaron’s gratitude and respect is ineffable. There’s nobody better for the job. “I need a name to inform the family.”

“Her name was Nancy Lunde.” 

Aaron nearly collapses in relief, pushing away the guilt as it rises in his sternum. 

“One service worker was shot in the same altercation, but we have provided medical care and the wound is non-lethal.” 

Say my name. Say my name, please. 

He doesn’t, and you grind your teeth together. 

Dave nods, glancing at Aaron. “Okay. Now, please, Benjamin, send out your wounded, including the injured service worker. I promise they’ll be taken care of.”

“With enough supplies, we can tend to our own.” 

“Okay, I’ll need a few hours to put them together. I’ll bring them up myself at first light.”

You can’t hear what Dave says on the other end of the line, but Cyrus’s lack of reaction can only be a good thing. 

“You should get some sleep.” Emily, sitting next to you, checks over your wound again. Spencer’s on your other side with his eyes closed, but you know he’s not sleeping either. 

Closing your eyes, you reply, “I can’t.” Nevertheless, you reach for her hand. She slips her fingers into your palm. “Mm. Your hands are warm.” 

“Well, yeah. I didn’t get shot today.” She’d usually jostle you with a jab like that, but she knows better - obviously. 

+++

When first light comes, you open your eyes. You’re not sure, but it was likely you got at least a couple of hours of sleep. There’s a lot you don’t remember from the night before, but you know they shuffled you up to the chapel at some point. 

Probably a good thing. 

The ice has melted and your arm is all wet. You check your dressings and find them working well enough. They’ll still have to be changed, but you can’t deny the effectiveness of Emily’s instruction and handiwork. 

A car door closes outside. Emily stirs, immediately reaching for a nearby bottle of water. She hands it to you after she takes a couple of sips. Shuffling around Spencer, you take it with your good arm and drink as much as you can. 

Wait. Didn’t Spencer say you could do a transfusion with coconut water?

Do I even need a transfusion? 

Yes. 

Oh. Thanks. 

A knock on the door startles you out of your half-delirious thoughts. You’re grateful for the distraction. The feeling increases tenfold when Dave walks into the chapel.

Aaron’s nearby. It’ll be okay. He probably put Dave on this himself. 

“The children, and our guests.” Cyrus gestures to you, proving to Dave that everyone is in fact, relatively, alright. 

You turn your head (ouch) and meet Dave’s eyes. Looking back down, you’re satisfied he knows you’re alive. 

“I was hoping you’d let me take the children,” Dave says. 

Benjamin shakes his head. “Nah. They’re our protection.” 

We are, too, dumbass. 

The two men chat for a moment. Your heart feels like it grows three sizes as you listen to Dave do what he does best. 

It’ll be okay. We’ll be okay. 

You have to believe it. 

After Dave leaves, they make you stand off to the side while they pour wine for everyone present. Emily starts whispering, and you know she’s profiling the adults. It’s probably smart, but all your energy is focused on remaining upright and ignoring the throbbing ache in your shoulder. 

+++

Dave jogs back up to the staging area and assures them you’re all okay. He relays your condition to Aaron, “...but it looks alright. Well-dressed and not bleeding through.” 

Aaron nods. So that’s what the feeling was. You’re alright, but it’s still wrong. He shoves down something else that scares him a little. 

That’s a problem for another time. 

Is it a problem, though?

Yes. 

“He’s too calm. It’s - It’s like he was waiting for this to happen and now that it has, he feels vindicated.” 

Aaron rounds the table and comes to rest at Dave’s side. They’re in full strategy mode. The opportunity to stretch their abilities is welcome, but they both wish it was under better circumstances with lower stakes. 

His hands flutter uselessly at his sides. Restless energy still rockets around his limbs and he hates it. He hates feeling so deeply out of control. 

“I have a signal!” 

Derek, Dave, and Aaron flock to their headphones, tuning in just in time to hear Cyrus inform the congregation they have all ingested the poison together. 

+++

Emily’s eyes shoot around the room, and you know what she’s thinking. 

The profile didn’t indicate mass suicide…

This doesn’t fit

He continues to deliver his sermon and you tune out, focused on the faces of Cyrus’s followers. Right now, they’re more revealing than he’ll ever be. 

+++

“This doesn’t fit.” 

Dave voices Aaron’s thoughts exactly. It quickly devolves into discussion of a breach, and Aaron brings a hand to his forehead. He’s ready to go. 

“If we go into there, people are going to die.” 

Aaron’s hand flies out to the  side. “People are already dying.”

Rossi’s eyebrows raise, and Aaron tries to keep his hackles down.

+++

“What do we do?” Emily whispers. 

Spencer shakes his head. “Nothing.” 

“We have to do something,” you hiss. “These people just took poison.” 

“Cyrus just told them he did and I think he’s bluffing.” 

Emily’s brow crumples. “Why do you think that?”

Spencer’s following observations make sense - the notes, the watching armed bystanders. It’s strategically sound for Cyrus to weed out the weak in his congregation. 

After a moment, Cyrus admits it was a test of faith. “...Watch each other for signs of weakness. You are your brother’s keeper.”

+++

Frustrated, Aaron runs his hands through his hair. “Tell ‘em to stand down.” 

The tension is getting to him, as is the lack of sleep. Dave made him lay down overnight, but he never once closed his eyes. He was worried about Prentiss. He was worried about Reid. 

He was worried about you. 

I almost got all of them killed. 

Step it up, Hotchner. You chose Dave for a reason. 

Listen to him. 

+++

“...well into its second day, the standoff at the Septarian Sept ranch has now been taken over by the FBI. There was much speculation in regard to hostages…”

Aaron hovers behind JJ, completely tuned in to the news. This could be disastrous. 

“...But anonymous sources inside the state attorney general’s office have told us there is an undercover FBI agent currently being held inside the Septarian Sect ranch.” 

This is disastrous. 

Everyone reacts, but Aaron walks away. He can’t face this right now. There’s too much to do, too much to think about. 

Don’t do anything stupid. 

He only hopes you can hear him, somehow. 

Please don’t be a hero. 

+++

Cyrus enters, all bluster and confidence. 

Shit. Something happened. 

“Which one of you is it?”

You all just stare at him. He pulls a gun from his waistband and you jump a little. The movement twinges your shoulder, and you let out a small wince. 

“Which one of you is the FBI agent?”

Spencer is the first to speak. “Why do you think one of us is an FBI agent?”

Yikes, Spence. Question for a question. 

Wait. Maybe it will work. 

Something in you tells you to keep your mouth shut, and you do. The last thing you want is to screw up whatever Spencer’s cooking up. His brain moves a lot faster than yours. 

Don’t do anything stupid. 

“God will forgive me for what I must do.” 

You can feel your eyes widen as Cyrus raises the gun to Spencer’s head. You’re completely frozen, as if something’s physically holding you in place. 

Don’t be a hero.

You’ve been shot, idiot. Your shock response is all over the place. 

No, it’s different. 

Yeah. Sure. 

You roll your eyes at yourself, but quickly cover it by crinkling your face up in what you hope looks like confusion. 

“I - I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

Cyrus looks at you and you shake your head, doing your best to look like a deer in headlights. “One of you does,” he says. “Who is it?”

Before you can open your mouth, Emily jumps in without hesitation. “Me. It’s me.” 

Spencer looks at her like she’s grown a second head. Cyrus lowers the gun and you take a breath. You don’t have much time to recover, though, as Cyrus snatches Emily by the hair and drags her out of the room. 

Your breath catches and you leap to your feet with Spencer. The dizziness doesn’t phase you, but your concern for Emily certainly does. 

Don’t cry. 

Don’t be a hero. 

There’s a gun to your head and you do your best to relax. You raise your good arm into the air, as if you could be a threat with a half-inch hole through your shoulder. 

Shit. 

+++

Between your gunshot wound and now listening to Emily getting the shit beat out of her, this is a bad day for Aaron. 

Someone else hauls you by your bad arm into another room, and you can’t help but yelp. They need to listen to Emily now, so you do your best to stifle the urge to cry out. You’ll answer all the questions as quietly as possible. 

They need to hear Emily. 

Aaron, please have ears in there. 

+++

Aaron very nearly throws the headphones off. He’d know your voice anywhere, even raised in pain. The overlapping cacophony of anguish breaks his chest wide open. 

“We gotta go in.” He stands and removes his headphones, unable to listen any longer. 

Rossi shakes his head, still tuned in. “We’d be risking the lives of everyone in there.” 

+++

You can hear Emily through the wall, and you bite your tongue until it bleeds. The man (who still has a hold on your arm), throws you into a chair. You let out a small wail, but cover your mouth with your good hand before speaking. “Please, I -”

“Did you know?”

“No. No.” They need to hear Emily. 

“Tribulation breeds resilience,” the man says, dropping close to you. His thumb digs into your wound. It’s too much and you internally apologize to Aaron as you let out a sob. “God rewards the resilient. He rewards those who cleanse themselves of evil.”

“Please -” 

He shakes you and man does it hurt. The pain shoots from your shoulder to your fingertips and zings all the way down your back. You’re hot and cold at the same time and don’t have the energy to fight it anymore. You break down, and sound falls from your mouth as the man continues to preach at you, all the while tweaking and twisting and squeezing your shoulder. 

+++

“He’s got them both.” Aaron stands, his palms pressed flat to the table. Hearing you in that kind of pain ignites something white-hot in his chest. He hurts for Emily, too, but at least she’s still able to talk. 

“I can take it.” Emily’s voice rings clear through the headphones, and they all freeze.

“Wait - Wait. Listen to what she’s saying.” Dave gestures to Aaron, who reluctantly tunes back in. 

“I can take it.” 

Derek scoffs. “She’s antagonizing him.”

“She’s not talking to him.” Rossi remains firm. 

Aaron’s hands get lost in his hair, restless and frustrated and useless. He takes a breath and ignores the sting behind his eyes. “She’s talking to us. She’s telling us not to come in.” 

He knows Emily. She’s just as smart as she is strong and wouldn’t antagonize Benjamin on her own. 

There’s a particularly vicious commotion and Emily falls to the ground with a sharp groan and a cough. 

That’s it for Derek. He throws his headphones off and starts to pace. Aaron’s the only one who leaves the headphones on. Even then, his eyes mist up and his jaw is so tight he’s almost afraid his teeth will shatter. 

+++

You slump back against the chair. “I’m sorry she lied to you. I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” The words choke out of you with a gasp. Your shoulder screams and the pain is truly breathtaking. 

Emily will forgive you for throwing her under the bus - you know you’d forgive her if the situation was reversed. 

Cyrus throws the door open. “The agent’s going upstairs. The other two are clean.” He looks at you with a certain degree of contempt and you keep your eyes on the floor. 

Don’t do anything stupid. 

Don't be a hero. 

Why those two phrases keep echoing around in your head, you have no idea. Nevertheless, they’re both good reminders. 

You’re returned to Spencer and slide into a chair. You tip your head back against the wall and listen to Cyrus question him. 

Why didn’t Spencer get beat up?

Not that you wanted Spencer to get beat up, of course, but it all seemed a little inequitable. You’d already been shot - isn’t that enough excitement for one day?

“On the next call, you should test them.” 

Oh, how I love you, Spencer Reid. 

He continues. “Test the negotiator. Make him prove he isn’t a liar.” 

This would only work if they had ears in the building. If Spencer has faith, so do you. Tears prick at your eyes and you think of Aaron. 

Please tell me he didn’t hear me. Please tell me they only had ears on Emily. 

You’re still the baby of the team, the newest, the youngest. You know that’s why Aaron watches out for you so carefully. He’s just protecting you. 

At least, that’s what you choose to believe. The other option is ridiculous, absurd, and nothing but wishful thinking. 

Don’t be a child. 

Spencer has Cyrus right where he wants him. You suppress a smile and hope it passes as a grimace. 

“What about you?” Cyrus turns on you and you’re proud when you don’t flinch. “What do you think?”

You shrug with your one good shoulder. “It’s a good idea, and the offer to exchange a child for information is a show of good faith. I’m sure they’ll appreciate that.” 

+++

Dave and Aaron share a glance. 

“They’ve got him.” 

A swell of pride crashes through Aaron’s chest. It’s just because you’re his youngest agent - the most time, the most potential. He has to keep you safe, he reasons. It’s the right thing to do. 

That’s not the only reason. 

He shakes his head, but the thought has its claws dug in deep. 

+++

As Cyrus reads the list of names, Emily appears at your side again. 

She looks awful - half her face painted with red and purple bruises, with more blossoming under her collar. You almost laugh aloud when she asks, “Are you okay?”

“Emily, you’re asking me if I’m okay?”

She huffs. “I didn’t get shot. Just a little beat up. We’re good. It’s not as bad as it looks.” 

Spencer’s mouth presses into a thin line. You both know she’s lying. “I’m so sorry.” Moments later, he relays the information for both your ears and your team outside. 

Cyrus looks at you, and you almost think he’s going to let you go, but his gaze slides past you. Spencer approaches him and they speak in hushed tones. 

When they’re through, Cyrus gestures to Emily and a pair of goons. “Take her back.”  

Emily looks only the slightest bit alarm as she’s taken back upstairs by the arm. If Spencer’s in, and Emily’s out, where does that leave you?

You elect yourself Reid’s shadow, silent and always right off his shoulder. Cyrus doesn’t seem to mind too much and if he does, he doesn’t show it. 

+++

“Drugging the food isn’t an option because of the children. We’ll have to go in.” The whiteboard marker twirls between Aaron’s fingers as he thinks. 

Indeed. Rossi, from his place in the corner, says, “The best time to hit them is when they’re least mentally prepared.”

“3am. Biorhythms are at their low point, then.”

“We need a diversion,” Derek notes. “Something that plays into his expectations.” 

Humvees, then, are clearly on the docket. As are bright lights and all the flash and glamour of federal law enforcement. 

Hotch and Morgan begin to volley, both men processing and paying close attention. 

“The plan depends on our people separating the diehards from the followers -” 

Derek interrupts, finishing Aaron’s thought. “And delaying Cyrus’s diehards from reacting to our assault.” 

“No, that’s not my main concern. They know what they need to do.” 

“So what is your concern?”

“Letting them know when we’re coming. The whole thing hinges on them being ready for us at 3am.” A thought comes to him then, and he reaches for a sharpie and a lid. Maybe your weird understanding of each other will come in handy, or Spencer will be looking for those signs he alluded to with Cyrus. 

Either way, it’s the only option. 

+++

Downstairs with Spencer, something catches your eye. 

Wait a minute. 

You’d know that blocky, left-hand slanted lettering anywhere. Aaron. 

Spencer sees it, too, and you share a glance. You offer him a little smile, and he nods, understanding you completely. This might just work. 

“I know what you’re thinking.” Cyrus startles you a little, and you step closer to Spencer. Your wound dressing has yet to be changed today, and the heat radiating off your shoulder has made you a little jumpy.

Just my luck to survive all of this and die of an entirely treatable infection like a sickly Victorian child. 

 “You don’t have to be a part of this. You can go.” He addresses the both of you, and bite your tongue again. You have to trust Spencer’s plan, and you know he has one. 

As you suspected, Spencer says, “I would prefer to stay. Somebody needs to tell your story.” 

“I’m glad it will be you.” Cyrus turns his gaze to you, and you nod. 

“I’ll stay.” 

He softens a little, and calls someone over. In what feels like seconds, you’re sitting down while gentle hands clean and re-dress your wound. It hurts like all hell, but you’d rather do this than throw the whole damn arm out. 

As you sit, Cyrus’s plan becomes clear. Explosives seem to pass from hand to hand without hesitation. 

Where’s Emily? 

+++

Aaron has no idea how long he’s been staring at the compound. He’s wound tighter than a spring, his body all straight lines of stress as Rossi approaches him. 

Finally, Aaron says, “I know I can’t go in there.” There’s too much at stake, too much on the line, too many emotions. He knows, somewhere in the back of his mind in a place he won’t acknowledge, that he would prioritize you. 

So, he can’t go in there. 

Dave nods. “I’m going.”

“If something happens to Prentiss or Reid or…” he trails off, unable to speak the thought aloud. “I - I don’t know.”

Dave looks over at him, understanding all the things he can and can’t say. “You’re not alone.”

+++

You can feel a shift in the air as 3am creeps nearer and nearer. Outside, inside, it’s all alive with activity and anxiety. You hug your arm to your chest, nursing a bottle of water. With fresh dressings, you feel a little cleaner, a little safer, but you know it’s an illusion. 

“Something’s wrong.” The goon’s observation brings Cyrus to the front window, and even over his shoulder you can see the humvees advancing on the compound. 

Nice work, team. 

“They lied to us,” he whispers something to his shadow. While Cyrus grabs his firearm, the shadow opens the door. The gunfire startles you, and you look to Spencer. 

Tell me it’s gonna be okay. 

His eyes are steady on yours and he nods almost imperceptibly. We’re going to be fine. 

Some of the lights go out and your eyes dance around the room. 

Aaron, this better be part of your plan. 

“It came from inside the building.” 

“Check the fuses.” 

The rapid discussions fly around you, but you keep your eyes on Spencer as much as you can. He’s spitting verses at the men around Cyrus, stalling. Luckily, Spencer could talk about nothing and everything forever. 

You knew that would come in handy one day, even if it drives you up the wall outside of life-or-death hostage situations. 

“...I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.” Cyrus smacks Spencer with the butt of his rifle, and Spencer doubles over. You can’t help him - not with one arm and certainly not without a weapon of your own. 

“You cannot convert my brothers.” Cyrus hits him again, and Spencer drops to the floor, and you crouch beside him, the very picture of fear. Oddly, you’re less afraid right now than you were before. “No one had to follow. God could have stopped me.”

There’s a breach, and you cover Spencer with your body as bullets fly past you from all sides. Cyrus goes down, and so does the detonator. 

“He just did.” 

You almost snort as you rise, but you rapidly remember time is of the essence. 

“You alright, kid?” You’re not sure if Derek’s talking to you or Spencer, but you nod anyway. 

Spencer, too, responds in kind. “Fine. Where’s Emily?”

“We got her out of here.” 

The breath you’ve been holding since she disappeared again leaves you, but a heavy throb of your shoulder replaces it. 

The girl you’re here for in the first place, Jessica, rounds the corner and you have a sinking feeling you know exactly what she’s going to do. Nevertheless, Derek calls out to her. “Sweetheart, come with me. We need to get you out of here. Come on. Let’s go, right now.” 

You snag Spencer’s sweater in your hand and follow him to the door. You watch as Jessica takes in Cyrus’s body, clocks the detonator, and then reaches for it. Spencer leaves your grasp.

You’re hot on his heels and it’s only then you have another fleeting thought of not making it back home. 

“Run!”

Derek’s behind you. You only hope it’s enough time. 

The explosion rocks you to your core and for a moment you’re not sure whether you’re alive or dead. When the ringing in your ears cools off, Derek has his arm around you. The smoke covers everything. Your eyes burn, coughs rattling through your chest and wracking your shoulder. 

You hear your last name, as well as Derek’s and Spencer’s. It’s Emily. 

She’s scared. 

Derek helps you straighten, and guides you down the steps. “We’re alright!”

You still can’t talk for your coughing, but you hear Emily’s relieved, “Oh, God.” 

She meets you in the middle while Aaron waits at the bottom of the stairs. He’s watching you. Emily touches the side of your face and you lean into it. You’re a little on the outside as she gathers Spencer into her arms. 

There’s something going on by Aaron, but you can’t quite hear it yet. Whatever it is, it’s over before Aaron’s hand is extended toward you. When your fingers meet his palm, he brings you close, careful of your shoulder. His hand meets the back of your head, and you press your face into his neck, blocking out as much as you can.

You don’t exchange words. There’s no need. 

He tucks you under his arm and you pass Jessica’s mother, watching the burning compound with bewildered eyes. 

+++

You sleep on the plane, your head resting against the window. Just as you suspected, you developed a small infection on the last day in the compound, but it’s nothing two weeks’ worth of antibiotics can’t fix. 

Hotch sits beside you, pretending to read something or another. His eyes keep tracking the same line over and over again. The moments where he thought he’d lost all three of you to the explosion plays back in his mind again and again and again. 

You can hear him thinking and you crack an eyelid. “Hotch.”

He immediately turns his head, ready to get whatever you need. Frankly, you look miserable. “Yeah?”

“We’re fine.” 

An eyebrow raises. 

“Fine. I’m shot and Emily’s beat to hell, but we’re alive.” You reach for his sleeve, running your fingers over the fabric. “I think you saved my ass, by the way.”

You pull your hand back. “Oh?”

“Yeah. Something in me kept telling me ‘Don’t do anything stupid!’ ‘Don’t be a hero!’ and I’m certain it can be attributed to your undue influence on me.”

The corners of his lips turn up just the tiniest amount. “Maybe so.” He slips his blazer off and drapes it over you. “Sleep. You need it.” He sees you about to interrupt him and cuts you off. “If I see you in the office at all before next week…” The empty threat speaks for itself. 

“Trust me. After my near-death experience, the last thing I want to be looking at is you.” 

Liar. 

“The feeling is mutual. You look terrible.” He smiles for real this time and you return it. A whisper passes through his head, and he pretends he doesn’t notice. 

Liar. 

+++

tagging: @arganfics @quillvine @stxrryspencer @agenthotchner @wandaswitxh @hurricanejjareau @fics-ilike @ange-must-die @ughitsbaby @rousethemouse @criminalsmarts @shrimpyblog @genevievedarcygranger @ssaic-jareau @good-heavens-chris-evans @davidrossi-ismydad @angelsbabey @gublergirls @writefasttalkevenfaster @venusbarnes @hotchsflower @micaiahmoonheart @ogmilkis @thatreallyis-americas-ass @marvels-agents100 @hotchslatte @risenfox @mrs-dr-reid @captain-christopher-pike @joemazzello-imagines @pinkdiamond1016 @sebbybaby0 @pan-pride-12 @hotchlinebling @lee-rin-ah @sunshine-em @word-scribbless​ @jdougl-love​ @sageellsworth05​ @nohalohoseok @giveusbackourbucky​ @writerxinthedark @bauslut @yourlovelynewsbian @sparklingkeylimepie @aili28 @dreila03 @forgottenword @aaronhotchnerr @ssa-morgan @hotchnersgoddess @buckybau @phoenixfyre374 @sana-li @tegggeeee @abschaffer2 @ssacandi-ass-prentiss @dontkissthewriter @ellyhotchner @lotties-journey-abroad @mrs-joel-pimentel-23-25 @laneygthememequeen @ahopelessromantic @violentvulgarvolatile @andreasworlsboring101 @mooneylupinblack @ssareidbby @violet-amxthyst @bwbatta @roses-and-grasses @lcvischmitt @capricorngf @missdowntonabbey @averyhotchner @mandylove1000 @garcia-reid-lovechild  @cevanswhre @colbyskoalas @qvid-pro-qvo @jeor @spencers-hoodrat @infinity1321

[slashingdisneypasta]

Harper Alexander x Fem!Reader || Oneshot, [Part 2]

Title: The Fake Love Of My Life [PART 2]

Notes:

I'm just realising Harper and Y/N's relationship is very like Dimitri and Anastasia haha XD

Plot: Fake fiancés, impending murder victims who are actually quite lovely, dancing, jealousy, and engagement rings- oh my!

Warnings: Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhh? Jealousy?

"Wait... you two? Are together???"

The words coming out of an 'honoured guest's mouth, aimed at Harper and I as he comes on into the bar, pressing a kiss to my temple on his way past. The guests, especially the one that rode in with that blonde Harper made off with earlier, do not miss it despite its subtlety - given more for the towns folk around us then anything else, obviously, - . And suddenly the fact that Harper just went off flirting with another woman, hits us both in the face.

Well... fuck- and the rest of the town catches it, too; Freaking out also, on the inside. I glance up unsurely at Harper who is still standing close to my seat, but force a tinkering smile that just makes me look perplexed, and that doesn't meet my eyes.

Which, you know, works. Because if we were a real couple, and I didn't, in fact, know perfectly well that he had to seduce these girls then I would look like this; Oblivious. And that's exactly what the guests think is happening.

Trying not to show my nervousness at the situation, a shield that I've mastered at this point, I decide to play the clueless-type. Thoughtlessly blinking and smiling, I tilt my head at the guy. "Yeah," I hold up the back my left hand, and show off the engagement ring (Which so happens to be Harper's actual mothers ring, so I take very good care of it even if it doesn't totally feel like mine, nor will it ever- seeing at the engagement in the first place is a total hoax) and beam. "We're engaged, actually!"

"Uhhh... " The guy's eyes flicker nervously from me, to Harper where his glance becomes hard. You can tell that he's struggling not to tell me out right what my 'fiancé' has been up to, and is gouging what kind of reaction Harper might give if he does do that right now. Still looking blissfully oblivious, I look between the two with wide, confused eyes. "Dude."

Knitting my brows together, I play my part well. A hand on Harpers arm and a teetering tone to my voice completes the act. "Harper?"

"Ah. Y/N!... " He picks up my hand off his arm, and holds it in his own, playing his own part with a side of guilt sitting beside a big serving of regretful douchebag. He doesn't meet my eyes completely, just flickers over them, leaning his shoulder slightly between me and the guy. "Its nothin', don't worry about it. Okay?"

"Hey, its not nothing!" The guy actually shoves Harper out of his way, and my own blow open wide at it as Harper flashes a dark glare his way, silently. "Girl- " I blink up at this man, who's pointing directly at me after that show of violence and I hand him all my attention. Because oh- wow- direct! Okay, yes? I mean I know he's going to be dead in a couple of hours and he's the enemy but wow. He points behind him with a thumb, at Harper. "This guy's been cheating on you. I saw him go off with my girl friend, Jess- and I know her. The way she was lookin' at him... oof," He shakes his head. "They fucked, or something, man. I'm sorry."

Miss Peaches and Boone flash eachother a smirky, secret glance at that while most people are looking at me for a response or glaring at Harper like some of the guests are, Buckman's watching this whole scene like a show at the theatre and he's on the edge of his seat, Hucklebilly is silently urging me with his eyes to do something already. Like hurry. Hurry up. Hurry! Hurry!!

Dragging my gaze away from Huck's, I make myself slowly look from the guy that 'told me'... to Harper. Before a new expression can take hold on my face, I ask, in a deadly tone; "... what?"

Harper immediately comes forward again, looking desperate and pissed off- though its not me, he's angry at. "I don't know what he's talking about, Y/N, I swear- "

I get up from my seat and he steps - stumbles? - back at the terrible glare on my face. As terrible as I can muster, when I want to laugh at his reactions. You know? Sometimes this pretending thing can be a lot of fun. Taking a deep breath, I take off the ring he gave me, and under the gaze of the man that told me Harper was 'cheating'- I hand it back to him. Then I clear my throat, as he looks from it... to me. And does 'heartbroken' so well. "... Um- whether you did, or not. I- I cant wear this... u-until, I know. You know? Um... sorry."

Then I manage to slip past him and out the bar door, into the empty square before a smile fights onto my face and giggles topple out of me. I collapse against the side of the building, letting the laughter come out as I cover my face. Oh god... the looks on Harper's face! Oh, he was good.

He must have run out after me a moment later - after the appropriate amount of staring heartbrokenly at my empty seat, I'm sure, - because then he's poking around the corner, finding me, and enfolding his hands into his pockets as he saddles lazily up to me.

But he does not fool me- he's pretty damn amused too, I see, as when I glance around my fingers; Theirs a grin on his handsome face.

Sighing, I calm down and press my head back into the wood. "That was good! You did well!- Coulda cried, though. I mean, you were being left by me, after all."

Rolling his eyes, making me giggle again, Harper sets his jaw. "You sure think a lotta yourself, don't ya?" His slow drawl is back to normal, no longer desperate like he was acting before. Perfectly, annoyingly shirty. He leans in towards me, giving me a raised eyebrow-look. "I didn't see you cryin', neither, Y/N. Not even one, stray, tear."

"Hm. Not even I am that good an actress, Harper."

He smirks back at me, and for a moment , before returning to his straight standing position, and sighing. He looks back at the building, his mouth twisted into a displeased, put-out frown. "Well, I guess we're fightin', now... Should we be yellin'?"

Scrunching up my nose, suddenly tasting something gross in my mouth, I scowl at him. "Do we want to be the kinda couple that screams and yells?"

"Well, it is just an act."

"Yeah, but still."

"Hmmm... " Harper, looking dissatisfied with my objections, looks away again and thinks. "Okay. How about we just say we fought, then? You can jog in place for a minute and look like you just ran a marathon or something when we get back in."

Gaze flickering up to him, my eyes narrow. "Oh I am only running, if you let me squeeze your cheeks to make it look like you got red-faced."

He does not look like he likes that idea, at all. "... Okay. What if I didn't find you, then? 'N instead I walked around looking for you for a while. You can go back in now and I'll wait out here for a while before comin' back in."

"Yeah, lets do that." I push off the wall and ready myself to go back in their, looking all down, when Harper pulls something out of his pocket and tries to give it back to me. As soon as I realise that its the ring though, I shake my head good naturedly and push his hand back. "You hold onto it, until this is all over. I don't want it falling out of my pocket." It was his mothers, so its important, and if anything in this relationship is real its our shared devotion to keeping that ring safe. I would die if I lost it.

Harper stalls for a moment, displeased by my response if I didn't know better, before shoving it and his fist back into the pocket of his trousers. "Alright then... Until this is all over."

"Right." I assure him, awkwardly. Before patting his shoulder and passing him by. "See you back in there!"

"Yep."

~

Its nearly 45 minutes before Harper comes back into the bar, a sullen look on his face still, like normal. I look away almost immediately, pointedly- returning to the conversation I'm having with Miss Peaches. "... As I was saying, yeah we are having nice weather toda- "

The guy from earlier - the one that had informed me of Harper's 'infidelity'. I think his name was Matt? - suddenly pushes out of his seat a few tables over, seeing Harper come in also and saddles right beside my chair. I cut off again, and look up to him. Hello? Mister?

Not looking at me, rather glowering Harper's way, Matt offers his hand to me. Shoving it right in front of my face. I blink, surprised at its presence and the gesture. "Miss? Would you like to dance?"

"Uh- " What? I look from him, with wide, surprised eyes to Miss Peaches who just looks pretty darn amused at it - in other words, entirely unhelpful, - , as I feel quite put on the spot and unsure. What is he doing?? The whole room seems to still once again, noticing the scene that Matt is creating, and I glance Harper's way.

His sullen look has just begun to look hazardous to anyone standing near to him and I fight not wince under its power, myself.

Matt breaks his gaze from its locked position with Harper's, and looks down to me; His gaze softens, a bit, and I understand that he's only trying to make me feel better. And if this whole thing wasn't fraudulent in the first place I would probably be grateful. So letting out a careful breath, letting go of my nerves and surprise at being put in a position like this, I place my hand in his and let him guide me up to my feet.

Oh god- now I just really want everyone to stop looking, at us. At me. Stop, stop, stop-

A booming clap sounds throughout the room, and just like that everyone's attention is stolen clean away by our enigmatic mayor, who's stood up and grinning. "What a good idea! Go on everyone, lets have ourselves a good old-fashioned hoedown. Grab a partner and get to the dance floor!"

As everyone immediately starts liking that idea and getting up from their seats, and music starts play from the little wooden stage in the corner, I let myself relax. Thank god. Bless that man. Long live the mayor.

"Hey, so, are you okay?" I'm broken from my relieved thoughts, as Matt walks me to the middle of the dance floor and guides me in front of him- setting one hand on my waist while the other holds my hand. His words are sweet and low, so no one else really hears, and damn- I'm going to sure be mournful when he dies. Even if he is a yank.

Offering him a small, strong smile as we begin to dance to the reasonably paced guitar music, I set the hand of mine that isn't holding his securely up onto his shoulder. He's just wearing a sleeveless under shirt, so I feel a bit of the skin of his shoulder which is odd but I've long since given up holding new-comers to any of the same expectations we have. "I'm holding up, thank you. I just never thought he would do something like that... its so not Harper... "

Speaking of Harper, I glance around the room slowly to see where he is now, and catch his glare from the side of the room with Miss Peaches. Evidently she's asking him if he wants to dance with her while I'm busy, but he seems unresponsive. Too busy playing jealous.

I quickly look away. Matt shrugs. "Yeah well, you can never really tell with douchebags. Sometimes they're real nice guys, until they aren't."

"Yeah... I guess so... "

"Anyway," Matt suddenly lets go of my waist, carries my hand up to above our heads, and spins me. A cant help the delighted giggle that tumbles out of me at the move, my skirts flying around me before he pulls me back to his body. He flashes me a grin back, and as the music's tempo speeds up, so do we- the dance becoming faster, and more fun. "Lets see if I can distract you from that bullshit for a little while."

Smirking back to him, I feel like forgetting about who I'm supposed to be, now - engaged and heartbroken, - in order to just have some fun. Because damn, it has been a long time. Yes at parties I dance with men - Lester, Hucklebilly, Buckman. Even Granny, though she isn't a man, - but that's not really the same. That's like dancing with my brothers, or my father - or mother, - . Theirs nothing quite like dancing with a man you don't know, not because you want him to court you or because he wants to court you, but just for fun.

"Lets see if you can."

~

A couple of hours later I finally sit back down again, a beam on my face and my cheeks warm - aching for a glass of water or twelve, - as Matt excuses himself to go to the bathroom- but promises that he'll be back. "Take your time, I'll be here!"

He smiles, patting my shoulder comfortingly, before turning and heading off out of the building.

Its a few moments later, after I've acquired a drink of water and am sipping at it at the bar, that Harper slips into the seat next to me. I turn and- immediately, catch myself. I was about to smile, and ask him how his night is going.

But I remembered just in time that I am supposed to be mad at him, and take a deep breath; Looking away again.

Without saying a thing to me, he orders himself a shot of whiskey- a heavily grumpy look on his face. I glance at him, wondering what's going on in his head and if he's had any fun at all tonight or if he's been preoccupied acting like a jealous bastard the whole time. I worry that its turned his actual mood sour.

I hope not.

"So... " He finally speaks, still not looking at me. "You been havin' a good time, with that yank?"

"Um... " Glancing around us, I see a group of the yankee girls nearby within hearing distance, and look nervously at Harper. Because for whatever reason, I get the inkling that he isn't acting anymore, and I don't want him thinking that anything that comes out of my mouth, is true. "That's... not, really, any of your business- is it?"

Finally he looks at me, and theirs a pissed off gleam in his brown eyes as he looks down on me. "Oh yes it is. You're my fiancé, ain't ya?"

My jaw nearly damn well drops. Has he been drinking before now?? I didn't see him dancing at all throughout the night. What's wrong with him? Theirs definitely something odd about what he's saying; How he's looking.

Not even Harper is this good of an actor.

"Harper... " Lowering my voice and leaning closer, I tug gently at the side of his clean white shirt. "Are you alright? Do you want to leave and talk?- "

"What's happenin' here, huh?" Oh for fucks sake- I turn to see Matt suddenly back, on my other side and standing over both Harper and I- but turning his stony, protective, angry look on my 'fiancé', obviously. I mean, I appreciate the efforts but you really have the worst timing, Mathew-

Harper doesn't back down even an inch from the more imposing figure that is my dancing partner for the evening. In fact he just pulls up his whiskey to his lips, letting his hand dangle lazily before him as he raises his brows at Matt. "I'm talkin' to my lady, a'course. What are you doin'?"

"Oh, your lady?" Matt scoffs, and I feel like red lights should be flashing and alarms should be blaring. Their tones are dangerous. "First of all, this is the twenty first century man so she has a name. Second of all- did you mean Y/N or the girl two seats down from you?"

Oh, hell. My eyes widen as that particular dig leaves Matts lips and, knowing Harper's already prickly personality, turn slowly to him. A flickering of a tiny - dangerous, - smile flashes across his lips as he nods and looks away, before taking the whole contents of his glass in one go. Then he turns to me - to me! - , an only marginally softer look in his eyes. "Y/N, lets go."

"Uh- " I cut myself off, unsure of how to respond. He continues to look at me, waiting impatiently for my response, and Matt looks swiftly down at me before picking up for, me.

"Y/N's not going anywhere with you if she doesn't want to, man. So back off."

"My apologies, was I talking to you?" Harper turns his gaze up to Matt again, and my eyes tear around the room for some help, but for the first time today no one, is stopping to witness the drama.

Hell, violence could be ensuing, and no one here cares?? Seriously?! How drunk is everyone?!

"No, but someone has to be good to Y/N."

Harper doesn't flinch but you can tell that he wanted to, as one of his eyes slowly squints, and the frown lines in his face deepen. "... do you wanna take this outside?"

Immediately I whip around to face him fully. A hand slamming down on the table between us and I am deeply concerned. "Harper do you even see the size of this man!?"

"Love to, but I don't feel the need to remedy all my problems with violence, mate." Matt smirks, crossing his arms. And first of all, thank god, but also- the look on Harper's face at hearing that is horrifying. How could this man have made things worse, by not punching Harper in the face?! Now I kind of wish they had gone outside.

"Okay!" Before Harper can respond, or take out the sharp throwing object I know he has in his pocket, I get up out of my seat and back off from them both. "You both need to stop this, before it becomes a dick measuring contest. First of all, Matt, I had a really lovely night so thank you, but I'm leaving now, so goodbye. Harper- " The moment I turn to him, I stall, and calm down. And I mean it, when I say; "I'll talk to you, later."

Then I turn around and head for the door so that I can walk out into the night and go home- when I suddenly hear a horrible hitting noise and a crash, followed by gasps and Buckman yelling 'HELL'- and whip right back around. My eyes blow open wide the moment that I see Matt, fallen into a chair behind him holding his jaw, and Harper shaking out his fist, still managing to look tough even as his fist must be killing him, looking down on Matt. I gape, about to say something - or yell something, - but Harper suddenly turns to me, and grabs my hand on his way storming through the horrified crowd and out of the building. I just try to keep up so he doesn't tear my arm off.

Once we're down the road a bit, I manage to rip my arm back away from him, and get glare in response. I tough it out, though, and scowl back at him. "Harper what the hell?? I mean I know we're kind of invested in our scheme but you're acting weird, now. And- you- you hit him! Why would you do that??? What is wrong with you??"

"'It's what my 'character', woulda done," He almost growls, through grit teeth.

"You really don't have to go that far, Harp!" He really, really, doesn't!

Rolling his eyes up into his skull, I watch as he finally takes in a deep breath- hands on his hips, bracing himself. After a moment of silence, and I'm thinking he's calming down now thankfully, his gaze flashes to me and I see clearly that he's still burning.

Reaching over to me, he once again takes my hand in his and drags me off. Not quite so angrily this time, so I don't fear that my arm will be removed from my shoulder at all at least, but I'm still totally lost. Where are we going, now??

We don't go far, as it turns out, and he quickly presses me against a wall between two houses close by to where we were, and in the darkness I can just make out a clearer look entering his eyes, finally. Like his sight is finally, - finally, finally! - not so clouded by fury anymore, as he breathes in fresh night time air. Silently, I watch, waiting for him to speak first.

Is he okay??

Taking his hands off of me, he runs a hand back through his hair, and finally lets his shoulders relax. "... Okay. Okay. I'm fine, now. Sorry for makin' you uncomfortable."

"Are... are you sure you're alright? Do you want to talk about what just happened??" Because I definitely think we should-

"My character just got away from me, that's all. I got too into it... I apologise." Yeah, he says that, but he still isn't looking me in the eye. Everywhere but my eye, actually. And an idea occurs to me that makes my heart start to beat louder, in my ears. Carefully, I reach up, and lay one hand on his shoulder while the other curls up into his hair.

I literally feel his body relax more, under my touch. A sigh escapes him, that I'm sure he would've preferred me not hear. So he looks stony, again.

Letting go of my bottom lip, as I had nervously been chewing it, my gaze flickers up to his face. "Um, would it help, if... my character, were to, 'forgive', you?" Still against his better judgement I'm sure, Harper perks up, at my suggestion. I set him with a focused, serious look. "Because she does. She knows that you have to touch other girls and its not because you want to, and in fact it has nothing to do with her. Me."

"... yeah?"

I nod. "Yes." Giving him a smile, I start to take my hand away from him and step away. "So don't fret! We're okay. Still engaged, and in 'love'- "

Suddenly, before I can get away completely, Harper grabs my hand again and tugs me back- and further, to his lips, where he presses a passionate kiss. A moan is torn out of me immediately and my eyes quickly fall shut, reciprocating before I can think better of it.

This happens a lot, now; The kissing. It helps us get into character, I suppose. Makes us feel like two people who are actually in love, rather then Y/N and Harper who just pretend to be. And it feels really, really good.

He pulls back not even an inches worth of space for a moment, solely for air, and my eyes crack open a tiny bit; Enough to see him gulping down air so he can come back. "Harper... "

He presses right back quickly, guiding me forward back into the wall behind me. Wood digs into my spine but I cant bring myself to care, too wrapped up in the body of the man kissing the hell out of me and my endeavour to taste him back, and maybe gouge a moan or two from him. Because I want to hear it. I don't know why, but I need to. I feel like all I ever see from him is spite and crankiness and I need to know he has more, for me. Especially, for me.

Tugging gently on some of his hair seems to win me what I wanted, as I swallow the vibrations of his groans. Then I slowly pull back, my heels finding the ground again and opening my eyes delicately, and look up at him as he sighs; Understanding that its over as he still leans over me.

Tilting my head, breathing slowly in order to return to former breathing patterns, I catch his gaze. "... Feeling better?" My voice is low, talking carefully as I look up at him from beneath my eyelids.

"... almost."

"Hm?" What else can I do? I'm just wondering what else it could possibly be that he, or his character, wants from me when to my surprise Harper slips down to one knee before me. My eyes widen slightly, looking down at him and wondering what he is doing. "Harp? Your knee hurt?"

He takes my hand in his and, not looking me in the eye as my heart starts to beat unbelievably louder- the sound reverberating hot in my ears. "I just figured, that, our engagement is missin' something."

Oh... Harper takes his mothers ring back out of his pocket, and slips it back onto my fourth finger; Where it now lives. "Y/N L/N, we've known eachother a long time now, basically our whole lives... unfortunately, I think I've only just cracked the surface of what their is to know when it comes to you... and I'd sure like to spend the rest of my life trying to learn the rest."

"Aw... Now, I kinda regret that we didn't do this in front of people. You did that really, well. And telling me my last name! Nice touch." I tell him, because its true, but adding a little joke because I have to as I slip my hand out of his grasp and examine the ring back in its place. My ring.

It really is pretty.

"I ain't done." My eyes snap back to Harper's and my cheeks heat up even more then they had been already, and close my mouth quick.

"Oh."

Flashing a little smile that looks so good on him, he tilts his head. I nearly forget that this is fake. "Will you marry me?"

Breath hitching, because that is the softest, least disapproving-of-me thing he has ever said and it makes my stomach drop- In a good way. But I hope that he does not see how mushy he's made me- because that might complicate things.

He might think I'm falling for him... And I'm not...

I try to keep it out of my voice as I respond, even as a gentle smile warms onto my face. "Yes, Harper Alexander... I will marry you. Now get back up here."

He smirks and gets up, and I lean up to press a quality kiss to his lips, in thank you. When I pull back, he picks up my left hand in his and I catch a serious and forlorn look cross his face as he looks at the ring. His voice is quiet but firm when he speaks. "... I don't want you ever taking this ring off, again. I didn't care for that, at all."

"Well it was just for show... "

His jaw clenches. "I know."

"Hey- " I grab his arm, pulling him gently but abruptly from whatever angry place he was disappearing back into, and flash him a comforting grin. "How about we don't go back to the bar. We can just go back to my house, and avoid the headache. Alright?"

"I'd like that." He grins, a lovely grin that we very rarely see on on him anymore unless he's faking it, a hand hovering over the small of my back as we turn and start heading off to my house.

[thetorturerwrites]

Sleep: A Sackler One-Shot

Summary:  You’re not sleeping.  Adam wants to help. The only way he knows how.

A/N:  18+ only.  It’s Adam Sackler – that’s the warning. Ha! (Smut. I’m saying its smut.)

Word Count: 4500+

Days. It had been days since you had slept. Everything was starting to blur together because your mind just wouldn’t shut off.

It started, of course, with the slightly manic, sugar-coated Saturday that was your group of friends. None of you were the clubbing kind. So, you would routinely be found in someone’s living room, basement, bedroom drinking together, eating together, creating together. When you all came together like that, it was magic.  And Saturday night had been magic.  The gathering had been at your place this time.  It was you, all of your friends, and Adam.  Tall, dark, sex on a stick Adam.

Adam had moved in about three months ago. The place he lived in before was bought out and all the residents purged so the building could be torn down. He said that he’d used it as an excuse to get a bit away from the heart of the city, and he’d moved in with you after Ray mentioned he knew you and you were looking for a roommate. When asked about why he was looking for a new place, you’d gotten the watered-down gist. Something something Hannah. Something something Jessa. Something something drama. You’d damn near said no because of the something something drama, but he looked earnest when he said he was done with it and wanted to find a calm space. You had calm space to offer; and so, in he moved.

You caught him watching you a lot that night as you flitted from friend to friend in your shared home.  He brought you a drink once or twice when you’d been carrying around an empty glass without noticing, but you were too high on the vibe, the magic, to notice the way his honey-brown eyes always followed you wherever you went or the way he made sure he knew where you were.

Once, he caught you in a quiet moment in the kitchen and moved to stand opposite you, filling your glass with water this time just to take a break from the booze.  You smiled your thanks at him, happy for the moment of silence and stillness, but pushed off the counter when you heard your name again.  But he wasn’t going to let the moment go by and moved to cage you there, arms on either side of you, large body bent slightly to look you in the eye.  His eyes dipped to your lips where he could smell the whiskey and then up to your colored cheeks.

“You’re a pretty drunk, you know that?”

You were about to say something, you were certain of it.  You were willing your brain to fire up and get ready to hit him with something witty and sexy and adult.  But your name was shouted again, and the bubble burst.  That was Saturday.

And so, it wasn’t surprising to you that Sunday was an up day, a productive day, a great, shining day because you were still flying so fucking high. But you fully expected to crash Sunday night after the house was clean, the laundry done, lunch with your best girl, dinner with your parents, two dog walks, and a flurry of this, that, and the other in between. Your body should have been done. And yet, Monday came with maybe an hour of sleep under your belt.

It was now Friday.

The first day, you’d been annoyed, but this wasn’t your first rodeo, and you knew it was only a matter of time. The second day, annoyance turned to irritation; and the third day, you were fucking angry. What the fuck was happening. Thursday was a blur of exhaustion and emotion because you always got emotional when you were tired and it had been DAYS at this point. Never more than two hours of sleep at a time and just fucking awake for no reason. So, you’d begun going through your insomnia arsenal.  

Friday found you called off from work, wrapped in too many blankets on the couch, and the heels of your hands pressed as far into your eye sockets as they could go to stop the tears that were forming. You sat going over the list of things you’d tried to get to sleep AGAIN to try to figure out the right configuration that would work. You’d tried (in no particular order)…

-Hot shower -Tea -Tylenol PM -Masturbation -Hot shower + tea -Tea + Tylenol PM x 4 (nobody fucking takes only one) -Hot shower + masturbation -All of the above in one night

None of it had worked, and here you were practically weeping on your couch because you were so utterly exhausted when Adam crashed through the door, loud and cursing like he usually was. You curled in on yourself just a little bit more hoping he wouldn’t notice you and would just go away.

“What’s up, kid?” He greeted while dumping himself onto the couch by you. When you didn’t reply immediately, he reached over and nudged you. “Hey… ” he said, nudging you again. Two more pokes to your shoulder had you snarling and unbundling your head from the mini fort.

“WHAT ADAM. WHAT DO YOU WANT.”

Your outburst didn’t seem to rattle him, and he gave your shoulder one more nudge with an up tilt of his mouth.

“Y'ok there? You look like death.”

Heaving what probably liked like a dramatic sigh, but was actually just Herculean effort to not burst into tears again, you dropped your head in your hands once more and muttered…

“I haven’t slept all week, I’m exhausted, and I can’t banter with you today, ok?” Because normally, the banter was fun. He made you think with his quips and humor. And you loved making him laugh because it seemed like he didn’t do it enough. But today was a leave-me-the-fuck-alone day. Adam, however, did not get the memo.

“Have you tried…”

“NO,” you nearly shouted, “DO NOT ASK ME if I tried tea or a shower or what the fuck ever. Because I did. More than once and I sincerely doubt that you’ve got any new ideas to cure insomnia.”

He smirked at you but didn’t say anything else. You watched as he leaned forward to unlace his boots.  Canting your head slightly, you let your gaze trail to the strong arms, biceps working, and the black t-shirt that sat tight across his chest.  But for you, it was two things in particular - his height and his hands.  You always had a thing for hands because a good-sized hand could do so many things – Lift, hold, squeeze, choke.  All yummy and delectable things.  You also had a thing for tall people because on one hand, it made you feel safe; and on the other, being able to reach literally anything in the world was attractive.  You weren’t extremely short, but tall came with bonus points in your book.  So, there you were daydreaming about Adam and his tallness and hands when he finally spoke and shook you from your reverie.

“You know…they say sex is good for insomnia.”  He was the one watching you now having shucked shoes and socks and leant back into the couch.  His gaze roamed you over, and you shrank further into your fort because, though you did shower and brush your teeth, you were certain that you did not paint a pretty picture.

“I’m not having sex with you, Adam. Besides…” You could not have helped the snort that came from your face for all the money in the world, and it came with a side of snarky eye roll, too. “I’ve already tried it.”

His brow quirked, but he didn’t look away.  Rather, he let his gaze rove down the bare shoulder, the only bit of you he could see, for a moment before speaking again.

“You haven’t had anybody here in weeks. And you’ve been wearing that same sweater since Tuesday.”  Fuck. It was true, but you didn’t think he paid much attention to your comings and goings.  AND ALSO, you definitely didn’t think he paid attention to what you wore.  Apparently, he did.

“No, but I did try to get off, and it’s the same thing.  And it didn’t work and so here I am being badgered by you about the state of my sex life.”  With the grumpiest face you could muster, you flopped against the side of the couch and pulled the blanket over your head.  

“Just go away, Adam. Leave me to my insomnia and insanity in peace.  I promise I will bequeath the apartment to you when I expire.”  And the Oscar for best actress goes to…. 

But your dramatics were cut short when you felt your entire fort being lifted from the couch, and the squeak that broke from your throat was decidedly less than composed, and you bristled at the noise.  Who the fuck squeaks.  

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”  Just as quickly, you were deposited on the end of your bed and shot to your feet with a glower.

“Come on, kid.  I don’t like seeing you like this because its literally fucking pathetic.  So, let me help you.  I swear I will keep all of my clothes on, and I will not fuck you.  Well…" he paused and let his gaze trail from your head to your toes and back again before finishing, “mostly.”

“You…,” granted, your brain was sleep deprived and fuzzy, but this was something out of a porn movie, wasn’t it? “You…want to help me sleep…by sort of fucking me?”  What. What was even happening.  Was this real life?  And then, he laughed. He fucking laughed. Hand on the stomach, head tilted back laughed. That was it. Murdering him was your only option now.

“I want to help you sleep by helping you get off.  Orgasms you have to give yourself are still work. Just let me give this to you.”  

Apparently, you’d already begun this bizarre experiment because he reached up to pull the clip from your hair and toss it over his shoulder to be lost somewhere in the room.  Your mouth opened to chastise him, but he plowed forward before you could formulate the words.

“I told you. I’m gonna stay just like this, and you’re gonna feel better.”  You were still contemplating - because sleepless brain = slow as fuck - when he pulled the heavy white sweater over your head and off your arms.

“I’m going to burn this sweater, by the way.”

He balled it into a rumpled mess and threw it clean out of the door and into the hallway. He was serious about that sweater.  Again, you opened your mouth to object, but he was now working on your leggings.  He nudged your feet to get you to lift one and then the other, and they, too, were tossed over his shoulder. In the span of minutes, you had been rooted from your fort, undressed, and were now standing in front of your dangerously handsome roommate in nothing but your favorite blue tank top and black boy-short panties.

“I’ve been wondering what you kept under those ugly, baggy sweaters,” he murmured while not being shy at all about the way his gaze traveled you over.

“Look. Adam.”  Reaching up again, you pressed your fingers into your eyes and just took a breath because this was stupid, right? Adam was manipulating you by weaponizing your exhaustion, and you weren’t going to stand for it.  You were hardly going to stand for standing.

“This is a bad idea, ok?  This isn’t going to work, and I think you sh–”  Christ on a cracker what was that?  He had cut off your objections by sliding all ten digits into your hair and against your scalp.  The large fingers attached to those very large, very strong hands splayed out all around your head. And THEN, he started to rub and scratch at your scalp.

“Fuuuuuuuck,”  The curse-groan that came from you was definitely unladylike but sweet Jesus did that feel good.  Your head dropped forward against his chest, and you felt the reverberation of his soft chuckle against your forehead. Instinctively, both of your hands came up to rest on his hips because he was messing with your equilibrium but god did you hope he wasn’t going to stop.

“Better?“, he asked with his voice a bit softer than before, and you nodded against his chest again without saying anything just in case your voice would break the spell.  Your pity party began to puddle away – no, that was YOU turning into a puddle under that heavenly scalp massage.  He was looking down at you now, where you rested your head against him, and he cleared his throat as quietly as he could.

You tried to lift your head to retort, but he shushed you and just kept right on going with those magic fingers.  Each drag of his nails against your scalp elicited a happy groan or moan that made his fingers tighten or flex momentarily, every noise provoking a physical response.  His hands moved down from your scalp to wrap around your shoulders and start kneading, and you moaned.  Loud. No fucks given.

“Jesus Christ, Adam, please do not stop doing that.”

Adam’s large, wonderful, dexterous hands massaged your shoulders first, then deltoids, then upper back, then rib cage, and you wobbled and teetered depending on where his hands were. You were pliant under his ministrations, and you swore you could hear him muttering something under his breath. Finally, you tipped your head back from his chest and unscrewed one shut eye to look at him.

“Hi,” you said.  That was it. That was the best your brain could do.  He smirked down at you, tilting his head back in amusement.

“Hey, kid. Get up on the bed before you fall over.”  He laughed. He was laughing at you. Again.

You contemplated it for a moment while staring up at him and his long eyelashes. Was he always this attractive, you wondered.  Yes, yes he was.  But now what? So far, he’d been true to his word, but you couldn’t be sure that he would in the long run.  Maybe you were relaxed enough now.  Maybe the massage was enough. Maybe you didn’t have to potentially wreck your roommate relationship by whatever it was he was planning to do.  But he could, apparently, read it on your face that your brain had started whirring again because he lifted you once more and unceremoniously threw you on the bed. You hadn’t even finished yelping from the surprise of it when he was crawling up in the bed beside you and arranging you on your back. He slid your now very-relaxed arms upwards so they crooked on either side of your head.

“Trust me, ok? Try.”  

You didn’t trust him. It hadn’t been long enough, but you were so, so tired.  Your brow furrowed again, and you bit into the plump of your bottom lip.  He nudged the side of your chin with his nose, and you knew the anxiety crossing your face was clear, you just knew it. Your brain was kicking up again. Fast, fast, too fast.  Sliding up beside you, Adam nudged one of his knees in between your legs, and you jumped.

“Adam, I…”

He hushed you yet again, but still gently, and dropped a hand on your stomach, fingers sliding to the side and down until it curled over your hip. His face found the space between ear and shoulder, and those full lips found purchase there. He murmured something against your flushing skin, but you had no clue what it was because that spot, right there, was fantastic. His lips trailed up to the lobe of your ear and then back down again, raising goose flesh in their wake. You sighed against him, a satisfied, almost eager sigh.  You tilted your head slightly to the side to give him more room to explore that valley, and he took the invitation raining kisses on the skin that soon gave way to his tongue and finally teeth. You hiccuped at the feel of teeth on skin. You knew he was a fan of marking and bruising - his calling card to the world. “Adam was here.” It almost made you laugh.

Finally, Jesus Christ, finally, you began to relax against him.  The stiffness from your aching arms and legs began to recede, and tears sprang to your eyes at how fucking amazing it felt to not have that tightness in your shoulders, your back. Both hands dropped down from where he’d set them to fall on Adam’s shoulders, hips shifted against him and tilted - a decidedly languid undulation matched with a contented sound through parted lips. He glanced up at you then, eyes raking over your flushing skin, watching your lashes flutter open at his pause. The slight dig of your nails into his shoulders drew a thrust from his stuttering hips before he could reign it in.  He could not, however, stop the things coming out of his mouth.

“You’re doing so fucking good, kid. Doesn’t that feel better?  Told you I was going to take care of you.”  All you could do was nod.  Yes, it does feel better.  Yes, he was taking care of you. But your brow furrowed again because the ache was shifting from arms and legs into your center.  The core of you began to throb in time with your heartbeat, and that ache was torturous.  

“Adam…” You breathed it out, something of a plea, and he lifted his head to look at you, groaning softly at the look of wanting found there.

“I know. Just let me…” His voice trailed off, and he began to scoot around you – propping himself up on this side, coming up to his knees for balance, both legs caging one of yours to keep it apart from the other. When he had you just the way he wanted, he leaned forward - the bulk of his weight up on the arm so he could look down at you, your face, the length of your body. And look he did. You watched him, through your lashes, as he stared down at you. Canting his head to one side so he could look all the way to your toes.

“So fucking pretty,” he murmured - more to himself but loud enough for you to hear.  And then, he began to move again, heaving a satisfied hum that you could feel vibrate through his chest.

“Ah sshhhit!”  The surprised cry broke from you as two large fingers slid up and down against your labia, the friction from your panties just enough to drag. Instinctively, your uncaged knee drew up slightly, the ball of your foot finding ground in the blanket to give you a bit of leverage to lift your hip - granting more access to the lower parts of you and eliciting an appreciative sound from the looming figure above you. A few passes in, that enticingly long middle finger slipped between the two labia to rub from the tight bundle of nerves hidden there to the slick entrance of your core. When you began to lift your hips to meet his strokes, he cursed.

“These need to go right fucking now,” he muttered and sat up on his knees to peel away the offending panties and toss them away. He turned back to you and just stared. In another life, you’d have shied away from his gaze because there you were naked under him, your breasts swollen high and tight from arousal with pebbled nipples straining the fabric of your shirt, bare legs parted, swelling cunt all on display, and all of you heaving with breath coming in short bursts. In this life, however, you were too lust-rattled and tired to think about how you might look.  With no shame whatsoever, he reached into his pants to adjust himself, and you held your breath. He smirked that asshole smirk of his holding your gaze steady as he did it.  Adam Sackler was a devious beast, you decided, but you couldn’t help yourself from licking your lips at the thought of it.

In a second, Adam dropped back down over you and buried his face into the crook of your neck again hiding whatever tortured faces he might be making.  You didn’t have time to dwell on that notion, however, when you felt the pads of his fingers find the fount of your slick again. Your own self control wavered.  With a gasp, your hips jolted forward against him again, and you began to rock upwards and down with each press and pass of his fingers. The sounds spilling out of you were uncontrolled, frenzied - particularly when he abandoned the long passes for short, tight circles on your clitoris.  Your fingers curled into fists in his shirt, clutching the fabric as though it would help. When your hips began to buck and your head pressed back into the pillow, he lifted his head from the valley of your throat to watch you.

“Come on, kid. Quick and dirty this time. Cum for me.”

You nodded your head blindly, agreeing with him that fucking yes, you wanted to. It was right there and he was charging towards it for you. Bless this dirty, dirty man. Every part of you was clenched tightly, terribly tightly - eyes, fingers, toes, knees, hips, core. And then fucking yes, there it was. As the tightness in you exploded outwards, you came with a series of shouts that had him planting his free hand on your chest so he could feel them. He started to talk to you again, punctuated with his own arousal now, riding you through the orgasm the only way he could in this arrangement - with that filthy mouth.

“Look how fucking good you look.” He huffed, heaving a breath against you. “Bet you taste like candy.” You felt the vibration of his low, hungry groan. “Shit, you’re gonna fucking kill me.” He pressed his hand down into your chest just a bit more until your eyes opened and looked up at him. “Time for take two, yeah? Wanna make sure you sleep. Let me taste you.”

The delirium in your head made you question if he was saying those things out loud, and you certainly weren’t sure if that was you nodding your head, but his weight was gone from you so fast there was little doubt that it was definitely you who had agreed, and it was definitely him pushing your thighs apart wider.  

Laying himself along the end of your bed, he traced the outline of your labia again with his finger.  You looked down to see him gazing into your pussy, pearlescent from your arousal and orgasm. He treated himself first to the taste of your thighs, licking away the sweat and slick that was spotting the flesh and applying a trail of hungry bites to your center.  When he finally - FUCKING FINALLY - lowered his mouth to your taste, he groaned loud.  The reverberation of it against your already sensitive sex sent a shudder up your spine. Hungrily, he tasted all of you - labia, clit, slit outside and in - and you were never so grateful for a debauched man.  His tongue circled and he sucked on your clit until you squirmed. He scooped up all of the slick collecting at your entrance and sucked it down like ice cream with a lascivious moan.

But then you moved, and that drew his eyes open and up along all of the curves of your body. He watched you as you shifted a bit, scooting your hips down closer to him.  Both of your hands came down to thread into his hair, and you began to move his mouth against you, and Adam lost his fucking mind. He growled and moaned, digging fingertips into the flesh of your thigh as you brazenly showed him what you liked. You moved him, then, up and down, side to side, and he hummed hungrily with each thrust of your hips as you worked yourself on his mouth.

You were almost there. It was right fucking there, but your brow knit with frustration because you were chasing something that seemed elusive. A pained whimper broke loose from your chest, and you threw your head back against the pillow. Watching Adam devour your pussy should have been enough because, good god, he was beautiful between your thighs. And the hungry look he gave you when you began to manipulate him made your insides pool that much hotter. But still you chased, frustrated, until finally, one of those large hands came to push one leg higher up.  On the heels of that came two long fingers sliding into your heat, and your chest shot up off of the bed like you had been electrocuted.  A shouted curse broke loose from you as those fingers began to move, pumping in and out, curling to drag against the spongy spot inside. Your trembling fingers curled harder into his hair, and your hips began to dance against him again. Rocking, rocking, rocking…

“Fuck, Adam!”  Your chest arched upwards until the only parts of you touching the bed were head, shoulders, and hips – your pelvis punched down low and open for his thrusting fingers. That coil began to tighten again, and you trembled right at the edge of it. Teetering. Keening. Still chasing.

“Goddammit! Say something!”  

And oh, thankfuckinggod, he moaned into your cunt, and the vibration of it ricocheted through you and shot you like a slingshot.  The force of your orgasm shook your legs, your hips rolled and bucked, and you cried out hoarsely.  The new surge of hot and wet that met his lips had Adam reeling a series of hungry, sloppy moans alongside yours. He chased every drop, every taste of it until you’d rode him through the high and had begun to collapse against the bed.  

Happy, contented sounds rumbled through your body and you patted his head affectionately - that was the only thing you were capable of currently.

With a chuckle, he crawled up the bed beside you and settled himself gingerly by your side.  You watched him move, and your brow furrowed slightly.  Did he hurt himself? Was it that bad? What the fuck, man! But before you could think of too many more scenarios, he captured your chin in his fingers and kissed you once, light but enough to impart his enjoyment of you. The tang of you now on your lips had you smacking them blissfully. Man wasn’t wrong. Tasted like candy.

“Don’t think. You’ve got me hard, painfully. Sleep.”  

As he talked, he wrapped an arm around your middle and pulled you close, settling your back against his chest so that he could bury his face in your hair. Pulling up the blanket around you both, he wrapped himself all around you and whispered into the back of your neck.

“Sweet dreams, kid.”

Because it had worked. And here you were – sweaty, sticky, sated.  And fast, fast asleep.

[tigerdrop]

dogboy gordon rutting against benreys leg in the same way that benrey did it in the reverse. benrey encouraging him and also making fun of him in the same breath. yummy brain thoughts. i am rotating this

jesus christ i started thinking about dogboy gordon and have not stopped thinking. theres 7k words of dogboy stuff under here im going insane

how in the. help. Help. dog boy. how does he become dogboy. i cant keep giving these idiots potions but i guess thats what ive been reduced to

gman turns him into a dog boy. walks thru a portal and comes out in nintendogs but hes the dog and when he comes back out again hes still a little bit dogy. this is fucking stupid

THE TAIL WAGGING im going to pass away

> i think he would have such fucking issues with the fact that his tail and ears are expressing his emotions so much

trying to act angry towards benrey but hes given away by his tail wagging like crazy......and he never even knows its happening until somebody points it out

it would be cool if. um. he got a little more into roughhousing and rough play afterward. you know. like a . hes already really handsy......physical. . .. .

> okay like the anger turning into somewhat-serious jostling and pushing which turns into roughhousing

its not even horny at first it just gives him the weirdest fucking endorphins. like. its fucking fun man

> and by the time theyre roughhousing his tail is wagging furiously and like thumping on the floor when he gets pinned haha

> YES its about the exhilaration ......he gets this rush from flipping benrey over after he's pinning him, baring his teeth triumphantly

benrey pinning him by his wrists and half-laughing at him like "what the fuck is wrong with you??" and the rest of the science team chimes in like YEAH WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS WHAT WAS THAT

> gordon comes back to himself and turns red immediately and splutters like "i dont know! what - im just - benrey started it!” so like he refuses to do it again but then benrey pushes his buttons and he gets in his face, ears pinned back a bit and shoves him and benreys like oh...so its this again huh...

GOD......PUSHING HIS BUTTONS.......its sooo much fun now that gordons so physically reactive too

> what if he manages to get an honest to god growl out of gordon at one point and it makes something ugly twist in benrey's gut and he wants to make it happen again

and its probably really gratifying for him to see just how often gordons tail wags when gordon looks at him or snorts at one of his jokes

TWO SIDES

> the duality of their relationship....gordons tail wagging just a bit when hes looking at benrey though im

> im thinking about the growling though like...benrey gets fixated on how he fucking sounds, all deep and rumbly and this intensity just focused on benrey only....makes him think about how that would look in other contexts....

> benrey riling him up while their roughousing so he can feel that growl travel through his chest and like...getting gordon to that point makes him SO determined to win the "fight" over benrey hes almost a bit out of his mind with it......pins benrey and subconsciously ruts against him a bit as a sign of dominance....please stop me now goodbye....

NO LITERALLY THATS WHAT I WAS THINKING ABOUT THE MOMENT I STARTED TYPING

prodding gordon further and further and riling him up until gordon pins him to the floor, hard, an arm jammed behind his back and his HEV suit jammed up against benreys ass and rutting subconsciously as gordon. h. gordon. clamps down on the back of his neck and growls

benrey sucks in a rattling gasp and is like "what? ow" in a weirdly shocked yet distanced way

he cant feel where gordons hard b/c of the HEV suit but he can feel the metal awkwardly bumping against his ass Like That. and inwardly benreys on a loop of "what the fuck what the fuck" but not in a bad way in the slightest. just utterly cannot believe this is whats happening, right now, gordon freeman dry humping his ass behind a bunch of crates, not 100 feet from the rest of the science team

> gordon snapping out of it and being like...what the fuck am i doing... or....maybe the gasp makes gordon bite down harder in response...not sure

> gordon not even realizing hes doing it until that moment is so great....i dont know but....maybe he lets go and pushes off benrey, panting and wild eyed, and the image of benrey on his stomach, his bite mark in his neck, is burned into his brain

> he just doesnt say fucking anything and just dips to get jacked off by the suit maybe.... cant stop thinking about how it felt to see benrey with his teeth marks....hates himself for feeling that sick satisfaction in his chest

benrey......touching the back of his neck afterwrds, kind of dream-like, both consciously and subconsciously.......

i like making gordon freeman suffer so i want him to just angrily try to rut against his arm in private later trying desperately to get off thru this stupid busted HEV suit that he cant get out of. pathetic. gordon freeman humping his own fucking arm in a bathroom stall. like a dog

and he thinks about how benrey smelled when he had his teeth clamped on the back of benreys neck, his nose buried right against benreys jaw and neck, smelling the sweat and the hormones and feeling benreys rapid heartbeat, and his whole fucking head throbs with how bad he wants to get off

> and he just cant get off....has to deal with going back the team tense and a bit sweaty and just move on when they ask what happened. benrey doesnt say anything just stares at him and gordon cant meet his eyes. gordon tries not to fucking let benrey get under his skin cause i think hes probably mad upset and embarassed that he reverted to his like,,,more base instincts because of BENREY of all people.....

> but he still thinks about it sometimes and....he tries to distance himself from him but hes still a pretty touchy guy and he find himself around benrey still....laughing at his jokes and getting in his space once in a while. always pulls himself away when he notices but not before he takes in a deep breath of benrey's scent...

> meanwhile benreys trying to think of how to make gordon do that shit again LOL

ohmy god. oh my god.....before this.....before he tries to stop getting in benreys business and before he even recognizes what hes doing.......he like.....hes so touchy feely that he subconsciously tries to mark benrey a lot. like just doing everything in his power to rub the inside of his wrists somewhere on him. even if its barely gonna do anything b/c of the suit. its just instinct

> NOW HE ...now he realizes that he was doing that the whole time..jesus,...

> AUGH....in the buildup before this he didnt realize that he was doing it........but now he realizes he fucking misses doing that shit and kind of berates himself for doing it in the first place....like what the fuck....be Normal gordon...you cant want to fuck him....do you..?

i want him to. grrgohg i dont even know how or why this would happen but i want gordon freeman to lie supine on the ground with his hands up like paws like hes a big pupy looking for tummy rubs OKAY! BYE. I HAVE TO GO. im going to fucking sob why am i like this why is this the cutest possible thing for a man to do. i cant even think of a fucking reason why he would do this so im so fucking embarrassed

i want to fucking. i want to rub his fucking tumy and make him pop a boner from it im literally so sick of this earth

> i was literally Just typing: i just think it would be cool . To pet his tummy and keep telling him "good boy" in a Certain kind of Tone that just totally fucks him up about it . maybe flushed and tongue starting to wanna hang out of his mouth as he goes from laying flat on his back to kinda twisted to one side, breathing heavy, tail thumping hard against the floor cause hes a big dog so that thing is like a lethal weapon

> petting the fuzzy lower belly while hes already hard & needy just to make him whine Very high pitched and desperate-sounding bc its so close to what he wants but that just makes it worse 8)

> What if. Benrey pinning Gordon, maybe scritches behind his ear, as a "joke", he's a dog haha good boy wants ear scritches?? And Gordon immediately squirming and whining. Maybe even kicking his leg just a little bit

> i think it would be cool for a post-black mesa puby gordon pinned benrey to the floor with his whole body weight and humped the life out of benrey's leg while panting and drooling in benrey's ear. a total lack of regard for benrey, (of course he's into it tho) just using him like an object that's conveniently there for him to furiously get off on

> i'm thinking.... this happening after a period of prolonged teasing, like you said. rubbing his tummy and ignoring his dick

> Man ok combined with the suit edging huh? I love that, but i also kinda want gordon to sneak off to get off and discover his uh. k. kn. knot

> he sneaks off and if in this situation he can.  idk. get at his dick in a bathroom or whatever. and well, he gets caught up so easily in his 'head empty' instincts mode that when he cums he's kneading that thang for like 2 minutes before he even becomes cognizant enough to notice. and then immediately panic. so idk maybe he cant get at himself for a while, right, so he didnt notice this

> i just think gordon being in the suit would not let him get at his dick and he would only be able to get off in really convoluted ways so like...he wouldnt fucking Know he had a knot he would just feel a weird pressure at the base that he doesnt know what its about. but he starts getting these fantasies of holding benrey down and staying in him when he comes and he doesnt know where the hell thats coming from.....yet. until after everything is over and he can get out of it, and the first time he jacks off again he realizes HOLY FUCK? like what the hell....but it makes sense in retrospect where those fantasies came from. but hes just super embarassed about those fantasies and pushes them down until benrey comes back into his life and activates him again

> in addition to embarassment i think he has a lot of complicated feelings about benrey and definitely feels a guilty about wanting to fuck him into the ground and fill him with cum....but GOD if benrey doesnt get to him just as much as he did in black mesa

> i think that something like this would be so unplanned and shit but like......theyve probably hung out a few times before this or more like maybe benrey has dropped into his house just to annoy him and gordon finds his ears pricking when he hears heavy footsteps around his house cause he recognizes them as benrey's...

> little rush of exhilaration maybe. cause it means they'll spend some time together and he has just all these emotions under his skin when they do. i dont know how this would happen but maybe gordon forgets to keep himself in check when benrey makes him laugh so hard he's snorting and his tail is wagging furiously.benrey tries to touch/catch his tail cause he's kinda curious about it and it never got to mess with it in black mesa. but it turns into roughhousing as gordon shoves him away a little bit but benrey keeps trying to get at it and then get at his ears

> "cmon man just let me touch them whats the big deal-" "NO!" but like hes still laughing a bit until they start really getting into it and he gets breathless and a little irritated at having to roll around and try to pin benrey's hands to the floor

hell on earth......the way his tails wagging and hes grinning and drooling a little once he gets benrey pinned.......

> little triumphant smile when he finally does.....got benrey on his stomach and he's subconsciously rutting against benrey's ass like in black mesa but hes just not noticing while he's berating benrey for losing

> talking right into his ear, and benrey lets out a little gasp when he does a particularly hard thrust and then hes like oh. fuck. he takes in a deep breath and can smell benrey's sweat and realizes hes just as horny about this as he is. cant help but bury his face in the back of his neck and lick. and benrey starts pushing back into him and talking the worst dirty talk and it makes him growl right against his neck and put his teeth there again as a warning not to move but benrey doesnt still, he just keeps talking. so gordon bites down, hard, cutting him off mid sentence with a yelp

f. fucking. benrey......arching his back into it.......pressing his hips up as high as theyll go......the angles bro.....the angles

> also: gordon popping boners more easily, even when he's just platonically excited w/ benrey..... yeah... :)

> like the thing about this is just that he got so excited from the wrasslin that he popped a boner....wasnt even thinking of horny.....

> not until benrey started gasping and arching back into him. then hes immediately aware of how this looks...like hes already basically in the position in his fantasies hes just rutting against him in the imitation of fucking

> gordon getting more frenzied by the little sounds benrey is making as he clamps down on his neck, drool dripping down his chin. benrey braces himself with one hand and gets the other to pull his pants down and then tug on the leg of gordon's down a bit because gordon is kind of. not thinking straight right now. gordon gets the message and fumbles with the buttons to get it down and like. haha i thinnk it would be fun if benrey prepped himself before this and gordon notices like. you really managed to prep urself this time? god, you really wanted this to happen. but maybe benrey had been doing it the last few times cause gordon would get in his space again sometimes and things were tense

NO GOD THIS IS GOOD. LIKE. oh my god gordon just like bitching at him and getting up in his face and Growling a couple times before while his pants are all tented from the inadvertent excitement boners that he doesnt even realize hes having.....and benrey might not be smart but hes not stupid

theres like a 50% chance theyre gonna fuck at any given time he realizes so like. why not......

even if it doesnt work out in the moment benrey still spends the whole time hopped up on the knowledge that they could have, that he was the little fucking pervert who got himself all prepped just in case gordon decided todays the day hes just gonna mount him, and honestly the way he beats his meat and fucks himself afterwards might be nearly as good as the real deal, just from that little bit of self-inflicted degradation

like u said...........he really wanted it to happen

> hhh.... maybe gordon ruts a bit against his ass and benrey guides him in and. he makes a deep growling rumble when he bottoms out. benrey feels it through his chest and gets a full body shiver as he's filled. i dont think hes fully developed his knot yet but its a tight fit. he starts fucking hard and fast into him while open mouthed panting, he cant keep his face away from the benrey's neck, licking up the sweat and burying his face there to breathe in his scent

the fucking . the desperation......every instinct in his body has been telling him to fuck benrey - yes, that benrey, fucking benrey - into the ground for......weeks now? months??

dudes probably tried everything he can think of to overcome it and to think about literally anything else when he gets off but nobody he fucks even comes close to smelling as good as benrey did when gordon had him pinned and gasping and sweating and he could smell the want rolling off him in waves.....and it sucks massive dick and he hates it

> hes been driven crazy by this thought for so long.....cant fucking control himself. wh. what if gordon managed to get a hold of a piece of benrey's clothes that he left and held it up to his face when he let himself jack off to this particular thought so he could get the scent but it jsut wasnt the same without his warm, panting body below him . he always nuts the hardest when he has it though

huffing benreys undershirt and desperately rutting into a pillow on his hands and knees with his ass fully up and hes just utterly debased right now

sad and pathetic gordon freeman humping his pillow like a dog and whining thinking about fucking benrey. if his past self could see himself like this right now he would be disgusted

> !!!!!!!!1 HIM GETTING INTO THE MOUNTING POSITION ON INSTINCT WHEN HE DOES IT...YOUR BRAIN ! i think that gordon would definitely give everything hes got to benrey when he finally gets to fuck him.

> now that hes actually doing it he's just out of his goddamn mind. benrey already being ready for him, slick and hot, just letting him push in .....i think he would definitely go insane

dudes never fucked so hard or so mindlessly in his life......for once all the neuroses just fly out the window. overcome by instinct

> letting out all these whines and moans, not even caring for how loud hes being... benrey's wanted this so fucking bad hes just eating it up, pushing back on him like an animal and getting a power trip that he made gordon this unhinged

thinking about him just being utterly shocked when benrey guides him in and he can just bury himself all the way to the hilt so easily and it makes something in his brain snap

> gordon doesnt even tell benrey when hes close, benrey can just start to feel his knot swell inside him and how it stretches him a bit past what he prepared for...but he wants it in him so fucking bad, he just lets gordon keep fucking into him

like. oh my god. does benrey even know about the knot or is this a brand new and fun surprise for him

> I DONT KNOW......I JUST REALLY LIKE THE THOUGHT OF HIM BEING A BIT CAUGHT OFF GUARD BY IT....

> being caught off guard by it but being so turned on by the feeling of it filling him that he lets out this really high, needy sound. which goes straight to gordon's dick and he just pushes into him harder and jolts his whole body with it. maybe he h....he bites down on the other side of his neck again and thrusts in one more time before coming deep in him. just shuddering from it, eyes squeezed shut and jaw locked around benrey

benrey just fuckin. face down ass up and arching his back as high as he can

(mumbling very quietly) it might be cool also if. gordon maybe.....started growling some things as he got close. a certain something. a word

you know......just......bent over benreys back......arms wrapped around benreys chest and fingers digging into the soft flesh (maybe even his titties, if youre feeling spicy).......pistoning his hips in staccato bursts while he growls.........u bh hhhhh......"mine". over and over not even realizing hes doing it b/c his brain is so fogged out on the sheer delight of rawing benrey after having thought about it non-stop

(mumbling so quietly im speaking at a pitch below the human hearing threshold) benrey hoarsely saying "'m yours, 'm yours" while hes got one hand jammed underneath himself to tug at his dick is the thing that sets gordon off and makes him come, perhaps. perhaps

and gordon just.....slumps over him, leaning his full body weight on him, panting weakly into his ear while his hips subconsciously rut just a little bit, arms still wrapped around benrey but otherwise as useless as a bump on a log while benreys jerking himself off to the wild new feeling of having that knot stretch him open and tug at him every time gordon shifts his hips

gordon nuts and becomes utterly useless but at least his knots still fat as hell so benreys still got something to work with

(sobbing) i just want to see men acting like animals leave me olone..... its about the submission to instinct......the degradation and dehumanization......and also the scent kink its all about the fucking scent kink. its about wanting to huff a guy you pretend you hate like hes a fucking magic marker and its about wanting to make him smell like u

> for scent kink, Gordon's boners due to sweaty benrey hehehehe. this is narsty -> Benrey is like "yeesh that was a lot of exertion" after their first almost-sex wrasslin match, and gets embarassed, so next time he like, wears a bunch of old spice.... but gordon doesn't get as excited. like yeah he can feel him against his back and yeah he's not soft but.. he's not panting or as hard. benrey thinks real hard when he gets home

> CLEAN SWEAT OK ITS A COMBATIBILITY THING OK. IT IS. LOOK UP THE SCIENCE OK I ...walks away. clown shoez

YOU ARE SO FUCKING CORRECT THANK U

> Maybe next time He doesn't bother with the old spice at all, and he gets real into the wrasslin... hell maybe he even uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh gets gordon's head under his arm im just saying

I DIDNT WANNA BE THE ONE TO SAY IT BUT NO YEAH THATS COOL. ITS A VERY COOL THOUGHT

think about......dogboy gordon roughhousing and getting pinned down himself and snapping his teeth up at benrey like joking but not joking. you know

they both start just getting really into roughhousing b/c sometimes gordons brain gets Stressed The Fuck Out by all the added stimulation to the senses of being pupy......theres too many sounds and smells sometimes and it makes him even more neurotic and makes him start acting up and getting irritable and trying to start shit until he exerts himself enough to tire his brain out and make it shut up

maybe even like.....in the interim after black mesa but before he runs into benrey again, gordon becomes a fucking hot mess b/c he doesnt know how to deal with it all and the only way he got thru black mesa without his brainstem snapping in half was b/c he and benrey would start shit and start fighting and wrestling and the rest of the science team eventually shrugged and accepted this as a (very weird) part of their life now. he looks like hes one minor inconvenience away from a panic attack and its so sad

any kind of physical exercise would help (he takes up jogging when hes feeling stressed out, which is a lot, and hes gotten some really nice legs by this point) but theres just something different about the roughhousing. its a mental exercise as well as a physical one, so it exhausts his brain more, and unbeknownst to him, he just gets fucking endorphins from the way benrey smells and from being able to mark him with all the up-close physical contact theyre getting. so. hence the wrestling and roughhousing and gordons occasional tendency to just pounce the guy in public and start fighting him with his tail wagging and thumping like crazy

it might be even better if gordon attempts to roughhouse with just about the whole science crew at some point, just for a point of comparison

like.....its usually good, its satisfying, and it wears him out and lets him function like a human being......but theres just something about roughhousing with benrey thats really satisfying and he doesnt have the emotional intelligence to figure out what it is

gordon freeman is an idiot, is what im saying

> tommy indulges him and probably lets him win a few times, coomer soundly wins out every time and bubby probably...loses some before getting pissy LOL. i think that its fun for him to get the most Good Feelings out of roughhousing with benrey.....

AUUUUGHHH WHAT IF HE LICKED BENREYS FACE THO

g gbfbhhh god im obsessed with the way benrey laughs at him and asks "what the fuck is wrong  with you?" in the act 3 commentary and thats the exact kind of vibe im feeling from him about like. everything gordon does in pupymode

> Okay, before I go to bed, I shall leave you with a Dog Thought™. Gordon probably wouldn’t be the “best trained” dog in the world because, well, he doesn’t have anyone to make him listen or obey. Heck, given his need to be in control, he probably thinks he’s the leader of the proverbial pack and nobody can tell him what to do. He’d probably slip and do quite a few “rude” and obnoxious dog things, including but not limited to being all over Benrey.

> Trying to goad him into roughhousing. Licking his face. Being in his space to the point that it even starts to make Benrey raise an eyebrow. Inappropriate marking and whatnot. [cough] And what if Benrey--in a weird reversal of the roles we usually give--is stuck with the task of… training Gordon… to behave…

> YOU KNOOOOW. Because pitting alpha dog Gordon against Benrey, who is trying to get him to be “good”...

> … Well, that could be interesting.

> Imagine if you will: Benrey realizing he needs to get Gordon under control. As much as he likes the attention, it's becoming too much. Relentless. Tables have been turned and now he's the one that's a little overwhelmed by the situation because, well, Gordon is running on pure instinct half the time. Making it hard to do things. Making it hard to live his life. Always in his bubble which was, like, fine at first but now he can't do anything without feeling a wet tongue on his face or having Gordon trying to goad him into rough housing.

> He needs so much attention. Has so much energy. It's too much.

> So, he decides he's going to try to "train" Gordon to not... do that. Benrey trying to assert dominance over Gordon, as if he were just a normal dog. Gordon, who has already marked Benrey and decided that Benrey belongs to him does not take to this very well. This is not how the chain of command works. This isn't how the chain of command works at all.

> Benrey, struggling to curb him through praise and admonitions--"good boy," "bad boy," tossing him ~treats~ if he does something right--is now facing off with Gordon, who is both enamored with the attention he's getting but utterly pissed off by the fact Benrey is trying to stop him from doing what he wants.

losing it at the tables being turned and now gordons the annoying fucker getting up in benreys business all the time and never leaving him alone. he deserves this

> They're basically both unmovable objects and unstoppable forces. Benrey is stubborn and isn't going to give up all his sweet PS3 time because Gordon won't stop humping his leg, and Gordon is not going to give up his God given right to make Benrey his property. But Benrey isn't completely averse to the idea of being Gordon's bitch. He just wants to be his bitch on his own terms.

> So, in a surprising show of... well, intelligence on Benrey's behalf, he starts redirecting Gordon's energy towards what HE wants Gordon to do.

> That's how you handle misbehaving dogs anyway. You redirect their energy. That's what all the books on dog training says anyway, and Benrey's inclined to believe it because he's read it in all two books on the subject he casually flipped through.

> So, when Gordon starts getting in his space, he starts redirecting him to touch where he wants touched. "Good boy." When Gordon starts getting a little rough, he purposefully positions himself so he gets the most out of it. "Good boy." When Gordon's licking his face, he starts trying to guide that tongue down to his neck. Feels better there. "Good boy."

> Because he's not a complete idiot. Him and Gordon both know this is sexually charged at this point. And Gordon... Gordon can bend his behaviors a little bit as he's being directed if he still gets to do what he wants (in a way), and Benrey still gets to be fondled by the nerd.

> "But part of the problem is that he is in Benrey's space all the time!" Yeah, but Benrey figured that out, too. You know what shuts up Gordon real fast? Pushing him back down on the other end of the couch and telling him to stay. And if he listens, he slowly, carefully hand feeds Gordon a treat as a reward. Pushing it into his mouth, making sure it goes all the way in. Letting Gordon lick the last bits of taste off of his fingers. He usually sits still after that. "Good boy."

i have a thought thats almost unrelated but im so desperate to give this scenario the proper context

thinking about......gordon getting out of black mesa and hes still dogboy.....and hes attempting to go back to life as normal now that benreys out of his hair for ever but one day his pupy nose catches That Fucking Smell on the air and he realizes that benreys not fucking dead. he thought benrey was fucking dead, b/c he killed him

gordon freeman losing his mind for a solid week or two trying to hunt that smell down (why?? to prove a point?? to try to kill benrey again??? uh huh.) and then when he does hunt benrey down, its like.....well, what was the plan, bud? you found him, and now youre having a staredown outside a 7/11 while benreys frozen halfway through his big gulp

i literally forgot what i was typing b/c dogy gordon tum y rub b gtfhgbb ggfabgbbg

and.....well......he doesnt know exactly what his game plan was, but he does know that benrey cant be trusted as far as u can throw him, and hes not about to let benrey wreak havoc on new mexico if he can help it, so now his new hobby is......tracking benrey across the city to keep an eye on him

and thats how they keep ending up in close proximity

and thats how u start looping in the whole role reversal thing.....suddenly gordons the one that benrey cant shake......hes a bloodhound and hes got the scent

SORRY im SORRY i crave context with the same ferocity that i crave, like, air

and then they start roughhousing when gordon tackles him to the ground one day to stop him from doing.....something......and gordon snaps being to being a normal person so quickly afterwards that its dizzying. turns out a solid 80% of what he really wanted was a sparring buddy

> good afternoon everyone this is not horny in the slightest but i just wanted to say- you know that thing dogs do where they get REALLY excited and playful when you come home from a long day at work? well i’m just thinking about. y’know how benrey has a tendency to just, vanish for a while and come back like nothing happened? think it’d be cute if he were gone for a particularly long stretch of time b4 catching up with the science team again and gordon RESPONDS in his typical annoyed, bratty fashion while his body language is saying something completely different (he still hasn’t mastered the art of puby)

> like, u know, tail wagging a hundred miles a minute, ears perked up and attentive, subconsciously getting all up in benrey’s space

Im going to Cry thats so fucking cute wtf wtf  wt ff

still going insane thinking about the “good boy” thing......like...... its all fun and games until hes grappling his best friend benrey and hes got benrey in a headlock and hes plastered against benreys back from head to toe and his tails thumping excitedly against the floor and hes panting hot and harsh right against benreys ear and benrey takes that moment, right there, to choke out "good boy"

its half outright horny and half power play b/c benreys banking that either theyre gonna fuck or gordons gonna let go and be like "what the fuck, man" and then benrey can get the drop on him again

the way gordon just goes stiff after he says it.....breath getting shaky.....dick twitching once against benreys ass and the guy can fucking feel it clear as day......Augh

his tail slows.....and then fires right back up again when he tentatively rocks his hips against benreys ass and feels the sound benrey makes more than he hears it......and like for fucks sake theyve been dancing around how horny their roughhousing sessions are for weeks, this guy deserves to finally get his rocks off by dry humping benreys ass while benreys getting spots in his vision from how tightly gordons got his arm wrapped around his neck. he deserves this

gordons free hand slowly opening up and pressing flat against benreys shirt, then crawling under it so that he can feel the bare skin of his stomach......rocking his hips against the dip between benreys cheeks and whimpering when benrey says it again, breathless and hoarse. "good boy." his tongue poking out to lick a broad, wet stripe up the side of benreys neck to taste the salt and sweat and the hormones, jesus christ, hes never been able to taste if somebodys horny before but its rolling off of him in waves.......and gordons breath comes out so loud and harsh and desperate when benreys leg lifts up a little bit for him to slot his own between them more easily

just mumbling stupid horny shit like "fuck benrey, you taste so good" while his tongue lolls out of his mouth and he licks the curve of benreys ear and rolls benrey onto his stomach b/c something in the back of his brain is whispering to him that it would be a really, really good idea, and hes originally got benrey just crushed flat against the floor with his full body weight but benrey takes a rattling breath and tells him to ease up, get up offa him.....

and gordons confused at this point b/c he was pretty sure this was where this was going, he was being a good boy, but that thought doesnt last very long b/c benreys shuffling into position under him, raising his hips and pushing gordons up with him while his face and torso are flat against the floor, and, Oh. hes. hes doing that. this is what theyre fucking doing now

> gordon taking the collar of benrey’s shirt in his mouth in an crude imitation of scruffing him

every fucking bone in gordons body is telling him to move his hips, fuck benrey stupid, bury himself to the hilt, but he cant do that when theyre both still clothed so he does the next best thing and ruts against benrey like he fucking means it and like if he just tries hard enough, gets enough friction, itll be just like fucking him for real......

hes so dizzied by looping thoughts of he wants this, he wants you to mount him, like youre a filthy fucking animal, arent you? you sick fuck, you wanna mark him and breed him and hed let you, hed beg you for it, look, hes doing it right now and when he comes back down to earth, yeah, benrey is begging right now, isnt he. while hes palming at the front of his sweatpants and whimpering and calling gordon a good boy, attempting to tug his pants down to his knees so gordon can rut against bare flesh, and gordon slows down just enough to let him do it and to fumble open his own zipper to ease some of the agonizing pressure

gordon fumbling his dick out of his underwear to line it up between benreys fat cheeks and god, the feeling of skin against skin is so much fucking better than chafing against his jeans that it makes him growl against benreys neck and benrey cant pump his fucking dick fast enough. hes so encouraging, what with all those little sounds hes making and the way hes arching his back and pressing his hips up as high as theyll go, groaning into the crook of his arm "fuckin, fuck me, bro, j-just like that"

> thinking...... they both get so lost in it, they both can’t hold back long enough to fuck for real. this is too hot, benrey feels something hot and wet on his ass and gordon is curling into him. benrey’s never felt so simultaneous turned on and frustrated that he’s still empty, he’s still gonna have to wait, snd ironically that denial pushes him over too

GOD yes fuckin. coming on his ass b/c gordons so frantic and desperate that he cant wait...... but seeing his cum all over benreys ass is deeply satisfying in its own way. he smears it deep into benreys skin to mark him like that

> oh hey imma be nasty sorry but Gordon all cum-high just sort of manouvering Benrey until he can start licking his cock clean bc he likes to uh. i mean benrey's all wet and you know. he likes it. and benrey comes from that, before he can even think about sucking him off properly

> he doesnt have a thought left in his head at the moment... and can u blame him? so he just uh follows he nose.......  and benrey's brain is deleted except for "GORDON FREEMAN ON MY DICK????????" bouncing around like a screensaver yes

> yeah he's not even trying to suck him off really, hes not gotten that far yet cuz hes so cumbrained, gone stupid, etc

im gonna be gross here too okay......and like. fucking. huffing and burying his nose into the crook of benreys thighs b/c he smells so intensely like sex and sweat and it makes gordon lightheaded

> YEAAH maybe he starts licking there before he gets up to his dick. it's not like he's dragging it out really so it's not long but benrey's gaping like a fish. he's trying to say something sorta but he can't get any words out and isn't even sure what he himself is trying to say

maybe he cant help himself and he just starts licking and biting on impulse b/c its your resident fuckin thigh guy here and i think benrey deserves to get em chomped like a drumstick

> and then that's gordon's tongue on his dick, bro and this neurotic mf looking so pleased and blissed out as he sloppily licks him all over is a sight he couldn't have even cooked up in his imagination before now

> benrey not coherently enough to warn him he’s like right there, his babbling incoherently at the tease of gordon’s nose and lips is gonna make him- and then his Tounge darts out and it’s over, the start of the end and he’s spurting all over gordon’s completely surprised face without even being jerked or licked through it

> maybe since gordon's been so stressed and keyed up for so long that benrey coming is a surprise but still doesn't shock him enough to clear the cumbrain, so he licks ben clean after that too, while he's twitching and whimpering etc

> think that benrey massive meat being useless and barely even touched is hip and rad even in the context of him technically being in the higher position of power

> then rests his head on beny's belly for a while, feeling very accomplished and tired. he'll panic later, don't worry

god im still thinking about. pillow humping/voyeurism

gordon freemans a bad fucking dog and sometimes he cant help himself and just starts rutting into a pillow with his ass up and his face buried in one of benreys undershirts while hes just panting and mumbling shit the whole time about benrey, benrey, benrey, why is he so fucking obsessed with benrey and with thinking about mounting him just like hes doing to his poor abused pillow every week

and. you know. maybe one day......benrey kind of.....catches him in the act. i think that would be cool. just coming home one day and cracking open his bedroom door and seeing gordon freeman on all fours, his teeth sunk deep into one pillow and another pillow between his thighs, desperately fucking it while hes groaning benreys name b/c he sure as shit was not expecting him back that early, which is why his cumbrain made him feel confident enough to crawl into benreys bed and roll around in it and mainline benreys scent from his clothes and nut on his pillow (and then feel fucking bad about it and frantically try to clean it off)

and benrey just slooowly steps back with his heart pounding out of his chest for possibly the first time in his whole life b/c he did not think gordon freeman ever wanted to fuck him, but here he is, using benreys pillow as an imitation of the real thing and jerking off in his bed

just turns right the fuck back around and goes into the bathroom and splashes some water on his face and stares down at his sudden boner

THANKS FOR READING ALL OF THIS B/C THIS ISNT EVEN GETTING INTO THE PISS STUFF THAT WEVE OBVIOUSLY BEEN THINKING ABOUT. SORRY FOR BEING LIKE THIS

[aestheticallyunaesthetic17]

100 questions and answers

Who is your hero? Probably future me, i want to be able to grow up and be the better person that i hope they are, and the only way of knowing that is by making it happen.

If you could live anywhere, where would it be? New Zealand, Canada or USA. I lived in TX for 3 months and loved it there and I have family in NZ and Canada.

What is your biggest fear? Wasps, 100%. Not being stung but the way they look scares me.

What is your favorite family vacation? When we went to Krakow in Poland.

What would you change about yourself if you could? My skin color. I hate it so much.

What really makes you angry? People hating others or stopping others from being themselves.

What motivates you to work hard? To make future me happier than I am now.

What is your favorite thing about your career? I want to be in cabin crew, so probably the traveling.

What is your biggest complaint about your job? Being away from family.

What is your proudest accomplishment? Getting through the shit 2020 brought me without killing myself.

What is your child's proudest accomplishment? No kids rn.

What is your favorite book to read? Noughts and Crosses by Malorie Blackman

What makes you laugh the most? My boyfriend.

What was the last movie you went to? What did you think? Freaks. I was a bad movie, a little like the scary movies franchise. My friend was scared at parts which was super funny to watch

What did you want to be when you were small? An actor. Typical Leo ;)

What does your child want to be when he/she grows up? They can be anything they want to be.

If you could choose to do anything for a day, what would it be? Visit Edinburgh alone.

What is your favorite game or sport to watch and play? To watch, American Football. To play, archery.

Would you rather ride a bike, ride a horse, or drive a car? Drive a car, it's peaceful and warm. I would blast music.

What would you sing at Karaoke night? no idea.

What two radio stations do you listen to in the car the most? Heart and Capital

Which would you rather do: wash dishes, mow the lawn, clean the bathroom, or vacuum the house? Dishes or vacuum.

If you could hire someone to help you, would it be with cleaning, cooking, or yard work? Yard work!!!

If you could only eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be? Tandoori Prawn curry.

Who is your favorite author? Jacqueline Wilson or JK Rowling (only her books, not her)

Have you ever had a nickname? What is it? Just Em. But id like to be called Millie.

Do you like or dislike surprises? Why or why not? Depends on the surprise tbh, I like to plan a lot.

In the evening, would you rather play a game, visit a relative, watch a movie, or read? Watch a movie.

Would you rather vacation in Hawaii or Alaska, and why? Hawaii. I was meant to go this year but covid and leaving the US fucked it up.

Would you rather win the lottery or work at the perfect job? And why? Work the perfect job, id get bored sitting around all day.

Who would you want to be stranded with on a deserted island? my boyfriend.

If money was no object, what would you do all day? Travel and see the world.

If you could go back in time, what year would you travel to? 2012. To see my Nana again.

How would your friends describe you? Stupid.

What are your hobbies? Traveling, photography, music and shopping.

What is the best gift you have been given? Forgiveness from myself.

What is the worst gift you have received? Sixe XXL jacket when im an XS

Aside from necessities, what one thing could you not go a day without? My macbook.

List two pet peeves. - Breaking trust - Bad table manners

Where do you see yourself in five years? Hopefully working my dream job, maybe moved to a different country and traveling the world.

How many pairs of shoes do you own? too many, roughly 16

If you were a super-hero, what powers would you have? Invisibility or teleportation.

What would you do if you won the lottery? build my own house

What form of public transportation do you prefer? (air, boat, train, bus, car, etc.) Train, its so relaxing. Then planes.

What's your favorite zoo animal? Lions or tigers.

If you could go back in time to change one thing, what would it be? My time in America.

If you could share a meal with any 4 individuals, living or dead, who would they be? - My nana - my bf - Princess Diana - Obama

How many pillows do you sleep with? 4, two on each side.

What's the longest you've gone without sleep (and why)? 26 hours, traveling to Texarkana from Edinburgh.

What's the tallest building you've been to the top in? Idk tbh

Would you rather trade intelligence for looks or looks for intelligence? looks for intelligence because then you can earn enough for plastic surgery.

How often do you buy clothes? 1/2 a month

Have you ever had a secret admirer? Idk I guess so.

What's your favorite holiday? Summer vacation Christmas for an actual holiday

What's the most daring thing you've ever done? Moved half way across the world and lived with strangers.

What was the last thing you recorded on TV? Nothing

What was the last book you read? 1984

What's your favorite type of foreign food? Indian

Are you a clean or messy person? Both, but relatively clean

Who would you want to play you in a movie of your life? Millie Bobbie Brown probably

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? 1 hour

What kitchen appliance do you use every day? Kettle

What's your favorite fast food chain? Chick fil A (i know, i cant buy it now tho)

What's your favorite family recipe? Nana's bacon and egg pie

Do you love or hate rollercoasters? LOVE

What's your favorite family tradition? Opening gifts on Christmas Eve

What is your favorite childhood memory? I dunno really, Ive forgotten a lot of my childhood.

What's your favorite movie? Ferris Bueller's Day Off or Beautiful Boy

How old were you when you learned Santa wasn't real? How did you find out? Probably 7/8 but I dont remember.

Is your glass half full or half empty? Half empty.

What's the craziest thing you’ve done in the name of love? Said i'd come back one day.

What three items would you take with you on a deserted island? A boat and food. Yes i am that person.

What was your favorite subject in school? Scottish school, geography. US school, government.

What's the most unusual thing you've ever eaten? Haggis

Do you collect anything? Foreign coins

Is there anything you wished would come back into fashion? Skinny jeans, my ass looks gooood in them

Are you an introvert or an extrovert? introvert that likes being sociable

Which of the five senses would you say is your strongest? hearing

Have you ever had a surprise party? (that was an actual surprise) nope

Are you related or distantly related to anyone famous? my dad is well know in the whisky business. Has his own prime tv show

What do you do to keep fit? Walk a lot and swim.

Does your family have a “motto” – spoken or unspoken? nope

If you were ruler of your own country what would be the first law you would introduce? everyone is equal.

Who was your favorite teacher in school and why? Scottish School, my geo teacher. US school, my english teacher.

What three things do you think of the most each day? My bf, my mum and America

If you had a warning label, what would yours say? Sad, angry and anxious

What song would you say best sums you up? 17 again

What celebrity would you like to meet at Starbucks for a cup of coffee? Timothee Chalamet or Tom Holland

Who was your first crush? a boy called Finlay who i rode the bus with

What's the most interesting thing you can see out of your office or kitchen window? sheep or cows very often

On a scale of 1-10 how funny would you say you are? 5

Where do you see yourself in 10 years? kids, married, settled down and happy. moved countries 100%

What was your first job? never had one

If you could join any past or current music group which would you want to join? 5sos

How many languages do you speak? 1 - english

What is your favorite family holiday tradition? opening gifts on Christmas Eve

Who is the most intelligent person you know? my mum

If you had to describe yourself as an animal, which one would it be? a cat probably or a tiger

What is one thing you will never do again? trust people fully

Who knows you the best? my bf.

[ratplagues]

🔥 any dishonored thing of ur choosing -deathoftheoutsider

wah okay!! i will talk a bit about the outsider and void then..i dont really wanna frame it as a Hot Take bc i have no interest in starting shit or whatever like ill interact with whatever i want to in this fandom and ignore the rest and everyone else is free to do the same but.

I do not think The Outsider is a “character” in the conventional sense, much less that it does his character or the allegory he wields any justice to be shipped with anyone in the series (at least without seriously considering the implications and framing it in a way that completes the allegory. more on this later)

the outsider and his void are an allegory for Otherness; i’m namely gonna frame it as queerness and neurodiversity, but really anything could fit as long as it’s about you feeling seen as a marginalized and othered person. he is written to represent this allegory, not to be a person with a satisfying narrative arc or dimensions. this is why some people feel that he lacks depth-- he’s not supposed to have depth compared to others in the series, he’s mostly a vehicle for what he represents, and is supposed to be easy to identify with or recognize.

he was born to a life of hardship, suffered at the hands of the rich and powerful, was ignored, cast out, etc. etc. a familiar story. poor, queer, nd, really whatever you wanna frame it as. he was a nobody outcast. in comes the envisioned, they pick him to serve as their martyr and idol without his permission. he then had his name cut away and forgotten, and was thrust onto a pedestal to spend the rest of eternity being worshipped by other outcasts who had suffered at the same hands he had. he has something greatly in common with those who worship him, including the very people who stripped his mortality from him in the first place, but because of this shared hardship (and nothing else), his own autonomous personhood was disregarded completely in favor of The Community needing someone Just Like Them to idolize. if this sounds familiar, that’s because it should!!

his humanity was taken from him, and in his place, an idol was created. his human body is frozen in stone in the center of the void-- retired. out of commission. no longer needed. he was immortalized, transcended. this is traditionally desired, although dishonored is trying to convince you that it is not actually desirable. in the age of internet content creation, you can be immortalized without even being present, without knowing about it. you become what you can do for other people, and what you cannot. people fall in love with an idea of you, the idea of you being like them, and other people come to hate you deeply without even knowing you. people came to hate the outsider more deeply than he ever had been when he was human-- he wasn’t seen when he was human. a pedestal only helps you to be seen. the outsider had the choice made for him to achieve immortality in exchange for the simple joys of being un-known.

he spends all of doto trying to convey this idea to billie through the hollows:

"There is freedom in being hated. There is license in being cast out. Some learn this lesson a little too well."  "These people lay their thoughts, their petty wants, their murderous desires in front of me to witness. I cannot turn away." "We carry what was done to us through the rest of our endless days. No one asked if we wanted it." (i like this one. he speaks for the community-- this is a shared experience, one everyone can recognize. however, as a Queer Figure, he never asked for this. he never asked to be immortalized. i like the double meaning here)

not to mention, the entire extent of the outsider’s Sole ability and influence on the real world is to “choose” people and give them untold power over others. this is a fun ironic twist on what marginalized groups endure from powerful people, (dishonored is largely about power imbalances and socioeconomic hierarchies) but it’s also fun to think about in the context of the role model/fan framing-- so many worshippers give their lives to be “chosen” by him. it’s easily framed as an exaggeration of otherwise very real power imbalances and often the flagrant breaching of boundaries existing between creators and fans.

and on the subject of the VOID...ohht he void.....

the void should be a haven for queer folks. for nd folks. it’s wanted by so many to be a safe space, it should be, it’s the Other World! it’s renounced by the abbey, crusaded against, even. but it isn’t. it’s just this limitless, eons-old horizon that hungers and starves for something to fill it. if the outsider is the lament of queer idolatry, the void is the lament of queer Hunger. it is roaming, and restless. it does not belong to the outsider; the outsider cannot survive without it. it’s the desire to belong, not a place of belonging.

the void craves this idol, this outsider-- i, for one, have often experienced hunger for a truly moral and just role model, someone to make the world Right, and i know this is another shared feeling. those who worship the outsider, who drive themselves mad trying to see him or be chosen by him, are suffering from this idol hunger. you see this in a lot of queer and nd kids and young adults. i grew up just having my life and interests like, punctuated by different fixations on different people that i didn’t know at all, only fell in love with the idea of. it happens a lot.

there’s a couple more doto quotes that really highlight this for me:

"They carve my mark into the old bones bleached by the sun. They carve my mark into their skin. They learn true hunger in the Void." "All these charms, these runes and fetid offerings on shrines made for me, will be nothing more than objects worn of meaning. Bones and dead things, thrown into the dirt."

“They learn true hunger in the Void.” is something that i wanna touch on real quick. people can spend their lives obsessing over the idea of what they think the void will cure for them, will fix in their lives, only to find out that it’s just a hollow manifestation of the emptiness they’ve felt all their lives. it’s not the needs met, but the need itself. you have to make the home, it doesn’t already exist and you can’t fucking run to it. it is heartbreaking, frustrating, one of the bleakest messages i’ve ever encountered in a game, but i’ve never felt more seen. by submitting to these ideas, the idea of a perfect unhuman human and the idea of a perfect otherworldly home, you are surrendering your humanity. you’re not only being transformed by the powers gained (if they are gained), you’re essentially dissolving with hunger after never having these needs met. you see so many people in these games whittling themselves down to nothing but base need. empty apartments occupied only by shrines, sometimes containing their corpses. journals of people dedicating their lives to the worship of the outsider, always ending darkly.  "I will find this empty place. Somehow the key to open the Void will fall into my hands. In time, I will learn the secret and he will call to me as he called to her."

not to mention The New Envisioned-- prolonged exposure to the void will always, without fail, turn a human into silver void stone. these creatures can no longer interact with or acknowledge the mortal world. they have surrendered themselves to hunger, and cannot be saved. this is celebrated by the cult, honored by them, even. i honestly like....i pity them, and i hate them, and i recognize that i’ve been those people, lmao. when i was at my worst as a teenager, i wasnt so much a person as i was just a shell full of hunger and heartbreak. my personality was defined by who i was a fan of. i think i definitely was Less Human then. the cult of the outsider is a universal experience!!

dishonored, at its core, is a celebration of humanity. it asks you to celebrate human emotion and weakness despite greed and bigotry. the powers are not to be wanted, they are to be ignored, refused. it is human to hunger, but it is Queer and Divergent to make hunger your life’s meaning, to need to learn the secret, find the key, be chosen and loved and cherished, to be made whole by some perfect thing. to find your humanity in something un-human. dishonored sees all that, mourns it with you, and then asks you to find humanity in each other !! love the spine of your lover, the blood draining down the docks, the pause to stretch languidly in the sun of a work day.

and finally...on the topic of outsider shipping....i dont think that, in his god form, it does him much justice to be shipped with anyone. he’s not much of a person, just a projection of his former self and a vehicle for his allegory as discussed-- im sure he could be shipped like this, but it just isn’t satisfying to me in any way. however, let’s talk a bit about his lethal and nonlethal ending. DOTO asks you to make a choice. is it better to give him an abrupt and merciful ending, after deciding that the fury he’s endured at the hands of others’ famine is too much trauma for any mortal to live with? or will you decide that it’s only fair to give him a chance to live the life he never got to, to return his humanity that was taken without his consent? if you choose to free him from the void, i think you can very very easily make the argument that he can be shipped with corvo, or anyone else that can easily be shipped w/ ppl. he’s finally free to live his life as a queer man, can explore the simple and complex joys of being human with other people, navigate the hills and valleys he never got to before. corvo’s just a nice pick bc 1) experienced human/inexperienced human is good, 2) they know each other, but they don’t. this is a good setup. 3) corvo is an older queer man and uhh you cant convince me otherwise lol! and older queer/younger queer is a self indulgence for me. also corvo is just nice. i think he would enjoy helping the outsider navigate his new humanity.

just some thoughts i have running through my head all hours of the day :) this is really long cuz its a combination of a lot of infodumps from discord lmfao

[crazy-lazy-elder-sims]

little ranty post about personal life

.

i don't have any irl friends anymore. and i am not too upset about it,

i stopped making new friends a couple years ago because i hate the copy pasted personality that everyone here has ( cause if you don't literally behave like the acceptable way TM deemed by society you are pushed away and ridiculed and harassed  daily trust me i would know) we just don't mesh together and i phased out all my friends that were starting to come out as shitty people (rac*st class*st n*zi hom*phobic)  i was left with one good person but because of the pandemic and being locked in she phased me out i tried my best to keep our relationship going i stood by her and gave her advice i defended her from her parents and everyone else i got her out of two toxic relationships but she chose to gradually talk to me less and less until it stopped. now ofc i am upset i lost my only friend but i know i didn't do anything wrong this time it was her choice , what's shitty about this is that she was sort of my rock i know nothing about this country and she would lead me to places and push me out of my comfort zone because i have social anxiety and i am a social reject i needed that but now i don't have that anymore. i’ve spent six months convincing myself to go out of the house for something other than my job but i can’t i get lost easily and i have ADHD i cant pay attention all the time to everything and i have no object permanence or sense of time that's a recipe of disaster and the core of my anxiety too. i can go out to places around my house ( that's where my job is too ) but i cant venture beyond that and unfortunately everything i want or need is beyond that. also i cant deny i am suffering the loss of someone important and i feel the empty space she left but i try not to pay attention to that because i know the feeling is gonna break me if i let it be felt. 

am gonna try again this week to push myself to go out alone but i doubt anything is gonna happen.  

tldr i lost my only friend and now i cant fucking leave the house.

[ajartemis007]

Jihara Aina desu (fic 1)

A mission together with Nanami Kento san and Gojo san. 

Aina's pov:

Ok, so here I am completely exhausted after today's rigorous study session. I finished my lectures early so instead of going back to Jujutsu High school I made the not-so-smart decision to study in the college library. Of course, my mobile notifications were on silent.. of course. Today I feel like the queen of bad decisions and what's more, I feel like the god of misfortunes just smiled on me as I open my notif panel to see a text from none other than Gojo Satoru.

"Called you about 7 times. Yes! 7, can you believe it?! But you didn't pick up. You better not be hanging out with anyone today, not that you have any friends apart from me 😆😉. We have a mission together finalyyyyy. You, me, and Nanamiiii 💃💃💃"

 I read the message twice before I decided to believe that it said Nanami. Nanami Kento san would rather lose a limb to a curse than be on a mission together with Gojo Satoru. He cant stand Gojo san's rancid vibes. Can't blame him, hanging out with Gojo san can be emotionally exhausting. Even for me, the demon of emotions. Fuck my life. Today was going to be a ride. And he forgot to mention the mission location.

I scroll a little to find Nanami san's message. Brief and to the point.

"Mission at Misamana Chemical Factory. The abandoned one not the new. See you at 5:30 pm. We will have to go in on our own if you show up late. See you there."

Misamana was a considerable distance from here and it was already 5:27 pm. I will have to take a cab. I hailed the first cab I saw and told the address as I tracked it with my phone GPS. Shit, 17 minutes more.

5:30 pm ~~~ Misamana Chemical Factory 

"She isn't here yet," Nanami Kento said as he tapped his foot on the concrete floor. The factory loomed above him, abandoned. A chemical factory infested with curses could be really bad. They were informed that the mission probably involved multiple grade 1 curses and a special grade cursed object. And that's why he was paired with the special grade sorcerer Jihara Aina. He felt great being on a mission with a reliable colleague. Jihara san was a bright 22-year-old, ready to tackle life head-on. He admired her. After everything, she had been through and didn't let anything deter her.

He looked forward to finishing this mission early and getting home in one piece until Gojo Satoru had jumped in the seat beside him shattering his daydreams.

He had chatted away about how excited he was as Nanami questioned his decision to keep sitting in the car instead of jumping off. What was he doing here?

Well, he got his answer immediately. "Aina chan hasn’t acknowledged the mission yet. So I came. I called her several times but she didn't pick up. Worry not though, we will see her. She will come." And then he had proceeded to munch on the strawberry crepe he had produced out of nowhere. Nanami sighed.

"Obviously she isn't here. She acknowledged the mission 3 minutes ago" Satoru chuckled. " It takes about 15 to 20 minutes from Tokyo institute to here, if she takes a cab that is"

Nanami sighed again. "Well then let's get going", and of course Satoru was more than ready.

 5 48 ~~ Misamana

Aina jumped out of the cab grabbing her shoulder bag. Uhhhh bringing her college stuff to a mission, what was she thinking. A change of clothes would have made sense, but this. She would have to stash it somewhere safe. If looks could kill she would be dead, the way her librarian had stared at her for returning the books late last time. Well, what if they disappeared? What a nightmare, she shuddered. She had already paid the cab off as she watched it take the turn and disappear around the corner. No wonder he had looked at her funny. A young girl wanting to be dropped off at an abandoned factory. She saw no sign of Ijichi's car. And no Satoru and no Nanami. She hated being late herself so she could sympathize with Nanami san.

She dropped her bag near a stack of concrete pipes and noticed how cold it was in this area. She stuck her hands in her hoody. Well fuck, wasn't this her favorite blue hoody? Bye-bye hoody. The fate of her clothes was always sealed when on missions. That's why she had started segregating clothes into - mission, college, and outing. Until missions had started being dropped on her unannounced, like here. A mission notification had been received to her at 5:15 pm, 15 minutes before the goddamn mission. She was sure this was done intentionally by one very annoying ( and infuriatingly handsome) man she knew.

She walked through the loosely hinged double doors as they swung shut behind her. The cursed energy could be felt standing here right at the entrance. She could see footprints on the dusty floor, two pairs. Hushh they were here alright. She would find them.

She walked on calmly checking room to room. An office area. The factory area must be way back. Abandoned computers and stacks of sheets. She didn't touch anything as a thick coat of dust sat on everything. This was her fifth room. Boxes and cartons stacked to the ceiling. This room was huge though. She panned her mobile flashlight scanning everything. She could feel a mass of cursed energy way back at the factory. The production area most probably.

As soon as she turned to make her way out a couple of boxes to her right fell off. She felt a surge of cursed energy and immediately panned the light and was surprised to find a whimpering doggo in the corner.

Aww, it was a wee pup scared and alone. And Aina was nothing if not a dog lover. She made her way carefully toot tooting to the pup. "Come here baby, good boy, here yuppp here"

The pup wouldn't move. But then a blast shook the factory. Dirt rained from the ceiling as Aina rushed forward to grab the pup.

What the fuck was that? She already knew. Gojo Satoru fucking blew something up. She has to get to the mass now as she feels it breaking into smaller masses and spreading in different directions. The curses were dispersing because of the blast. Shit.

She placed the pup gently in her huge hoody pocket as she ran towards the corridor connecting the office to the production area. A huge hallway and just as she saw the door to the production area, she stopped short as the ceiling rumbled and she jumped out of the way as a huge grade 1 curse borrowed through the ceiling and straight down into the floor. And what's more Nanami Kento was dangling from its huge wormlike body, his knife pierced into the curse's side.

"NANAMI SAN!" Aina screamed. And Nanami Kento plucked the weapon out of the curse's body but unable to make a purchase on the concrete floor was going to tumble into the dark void the curse had created in the floor. Aina lunged and caught his tie nearly choking him to death. He caught the concrete and climbed up violently coughing. 

"I am really sorry! Shit, are you okay? You look like you been having a tough time" how she managed to speak so much when she was just about to die was beyond him. Well, of course, she could see 10 seconds into the future but still, it gave her only 10 seconds to mentally prepare herself. "Fucking Gojo Satoru" he muttered under his breath. He had gone and blown something up. The thought hadn't even formed in his mind properly as another blast shook the factory.

"What the fuck?! That was too close!" Aina screamed this time. She had to cause she would go deaf if another blast happened. She was at the edge of this dark void and she could very well plummet to her death if the floors keep shaking like that.

None of them had paid attention to the filthy glass double doors at the end of the corridor though. They were fogging up with a nasty green gas and they burst open and Gojo Satoru ran out covering his face with his hand, jumped the dark void and grabbed the two kneeling figures in front of him, and dragged them to their feet.

"Get the fuck up and run the fuck out" he yelled "It's a poisonous gas." Well, that got their attention as it should have. Wide-eyed and breathless they ran for the exit. Satoru threw open the rusty double doors and they finally breathed in the fresh evening air.

All three of them gasped for air as they fell to their knees. Well, there goes this mission in flames Nanami thought as he snatched off his tie trying desperately to breathe. Aina was on her feet. "It's going to leak out," she said, her voice dangerously calm. "The gas. It's going to leak out"

Nanami didn't waste time forming a veil immediately around the factory. None of that gas was escaping into the evening city air. He would call the high school for an emergency immediately. They needed sorcerers who could specifically handle something like this. But first, he thought, let me just kill Gojo Satoru real quick.

Aina was already on it though. "What the fuck were those blasts? You blew something up!" She wasn't calm now. "Well, there was this huge grade 1 curse that rushed at me. So I blasted its head off but one of the chemical cylinders got caught in the blast and boom! But that one was empty so I thought all would be and obviously, they all should be. When the second curse rushed me and another cylinder exploded this green gas leaked out. I knew it was poison cause of the creepy color and then I just saw a special grade 1 slither away in a hole in the wall"

Great, Aina thought as if her day going wasn't bad enough. A special grade 1 after two grade 1 were already exorcised. This was a nest. Yes for sure they had been thrown into a nest of curses with a cursed object involved. She let out a short scream as something squirmed in her hoody. The pup jumped out and hid near a concrete pipe. She decided to let it be.

The mission had failed. A failed mission that too when it involved a grade 1 and not one but two special grade sorcerers AND the second one being Gojo fucking Satoru ( the God of Jujutsu world ) was embarrassing. Maybe the men would escape with a slap on their wrists but she won't. They would demote her this time for sure. Was she just going to sit here while those curses got stronger? She was a special grade dammit. If she couldn't bring this mission to success who could?

She could hear Nanami grabbing his mobile as she spun around to face the boys. "Ok wait Nanami san. Make that call and have them send the team to diffuse the gas but the mission isn't over yet. We have to get the cursed object and exorcise all the curses in this building. So much cursed energy at one place will only attract more curses making this problem a bigger mess."

Nanami listened intently, his finger hovering over the call button as Satoru took a seat on one of the collapsed concrete cylinders.

Aina had their complete attention so now here comes the crazy part where I nearly commit suicide, she thought. "I am going in to complete surveying this building. I can feel a mass of cursed energy in a single spot probably way back inside the factory"

"You aren't going inside. We just ran out because of the gas. No more reckless acts I am calling this mission off." Nanami said firmly as he pressed the call.

"No Nanami sa-"

"...yes send the squad as early as possible" Nanami sighed as he cut the call. He didn't tell them about the mission failure. "Listen," he said calmly " please don't push yourself to these impossible limits, Aina. You are a special grade you have already proved your worth. We all acknowledge you and what's more, you are so young, this isn't going to go become a suicide mission from a failed mission because I would rather have a failed mission than a comrade down." He had put a stop to this crazy conversation. Satoru gave out a long sigh as Aina turned to face the factory. The gas wasn't leaking into open-air yet which meant the factory still had pockets of breathable air which were slowly depleting as she stood here second-guessing herself like always. Nanami was right she would rather have a failed mission too. But the thing about proving her worth, not everybody acknowledged her especially not the elders.

Aina didn't care about the elders. But she cared about what her students saw when they looked at her. What Maki and Nobara saw when they saw Jihara Aina always hold her head high and never buckle no matter what the situation. She knew she could do this. Yes, it was hard but she wasn't a special grade for nothing.

'Nozomi' she spoke to her mind. 'How long?'

A sigh. 'A little over 5 minutes but cut it at 5, you always try to cut it close', Nozomi sighed.

Ok, so 5 minutes. No, a little over 5 so let's take 5 30

Ok ... ok you can do this.

Before any of her partners could react Jihara Aina broke into a run. "Stop!" Nanami yelled. Satoru gave a surprised laugh as he teleported right beside her. This shit always scares her. 

"Don't tell me..." he said.

"Yes I am going inside and I can do this I promise. I am going to get to the nest and smoke out the curses so you guys can finish them. Give me 7 minutes (hey! from Nozomi). If I don't get out in 7 minutes... "

Satoru raised an eyebrow at her. Nanami was running towards Aina but Satoru had made his decision as he stood in Nanami’s way to obstruct him.

"Have you two lost it?!" Nanami yelled behind Aina as she was pushing open the rusty double doors. 

"Nanami san I promise I will get back in one piece. Believe in me"

"You better," Nanami said. He knew he had fucked up when he had said those things to her. He knew she always tried to outdo herself and it wasn't for anyone else but her students. The little girls looked up to her and saw that everything was achievable if they put their hearts to it. He had to believe in her. Aina wasn't Haibara. Aina was... Aina. If someone could do this she could. Her demon blood provided her a shield from diseases, curses, and poison to some extent.

"She asked for 7 minutes but we both know she is lying," Satoru said calmly. This girl never stopped amusing him. He liked her, he liked her a lot.

"So what do we do now?" Nanami said. 

"Wipe up the curses that spill out and then I go in. Cause there's no way I am letting her have her way everytime."

Nanami almost swayed with relief. It was good when someone else did the adulting for him sometimes. He knew he could count on Gojo Satoru.

Inside ~~~

'7 minutes my ass!' Nozomi ranted. 'You get out in 5, do you hear me!' 

"Yessss. Now concentrate. As soon as we are inside the nest, switch off the cursed energy. I have to make myself vulnerable so the curses would follow. Okay?"

Phuhh.. the blond boy was right. This is a suicide mission.

Aina could see the green gas pooling at the next door as she ran straight for it. Her timer will begin now. A little over five minutes. She could do this and she will.

The gas hit her like a ton of rotten cabbages. It smelled horrible and she almost felt impossible breathing this in for 5 minutes. This was serious. This could kill her if she fucks up once, even half of once. She ran from the office to the production area passageway and saw the void on the floor. Ok, we jump this. She increased her speed as she took a leap of faith over the void and landed clean on the other end. She couldn't stop. Not now. The clock was ticking.

The glass double doors flung open as she put her weight against them and found herself on a metal walkway right above a dozen or so giant cylinders. Two of them were burst as Satoru had said. One empty and one spilling the gas even now. This factory wasn't abandoned after all. It had been in use recently by a bunch of good for nothing. Even the electricity was working as the chamber was lit up with flickering tube lights.

Halfway across the walkway, she saw a hole in the wall near the tiled floor at the far end of the room. She would have to jump down the walkway. She threw her legs off the walkway landing on a metal cylinder, a ringing echoing through the room and then rolled onto the floor. Not stopping for a second she rushed towards the hole. Towards the massed cursed energy, growing every second.

 Outside the factory ~~~~

Nanami and Satoru exorcised the curses that spilled out of the factory. All grade 2 or lower. What a waste. The real ones were in there but none of them could enter. Nanami sliced open the curses particularly viciously with his 7:3 technique because all he could think of was that he had let Jihara Aina run towards her apparent death. It had been just over a minute. Aina's massive cursed energy had successfully smoked out the weaker curses. But the stronger ones would stay and fight and all Aina had were a few minutes.

Satoru hovered 30 feet above him taking care of the open windows which would soon be leaking gas nevertheless. He wouldn't take off his concentration from Aina's cursed energy which was still in full swing meaning she hadn't reached the nest yet. He was growing restless.

Aina hesitated at the entrance to the tunnel just for a second as she realized what it really was. It was no fucking tunnel. It was a path burrowed by one of those worm curses but this one was bigger and stronger. A special grade 1. One of these suckers had to have absorbed the cursed object. If by any chance in hell of chances was there a special grade in there, she would have to fight to get out alive. But then Satoru wouldn't have let her go. He could see it all, that creep. But it reassured her, Gojo Satoru had her back.

As she ran through the tunnel, her knees nearly buckling with the cursed energy amassed in such a small space and the tunnel was narrowing. Well shit, there had to be other entrances. Now she was literally on her knees, exhausted and frustrated she was wasting precious time.

'How long?'

'2 30 remaining'

Wtf! half the time had already passed! Aina moved faster and thank the gods the tunnel grew back and she could run. If only had she stopped in time she wouldn't have plummeted 25 feet down crushing a couple of curse wombs. Curse goo crusted her fingers and knees as she tried to get up.

This was a huge cavern full of multiple holed entrances. The ceiling probably 100+ feet high. She was clearly below the factory. In a hell hole. Hurray!

All entrances lead here to the nest. The ground was covered with green mold coloured eggs the size of footballs. At least 3 dozen of them. The eggs weren't a problem, not yet. They would need a lot more cursed energy to grow. Only, some of them had hatched and were staring down at her, their heads 30+ feet high up in the air swaying menacingly. She could count at least six.

“Off my cursed energy” she said to Nozomi. 

'Aina get the fuck out of here. Something's approaching bigger than these motherfuckers.' The Sight (that allowed her to look 10 seconds into the future, especially clearly when it involved cursed energy). Yes, it was a special grade 1 alright. But not one, there were at least three of them approaching.

She had to get them all. Aina's heart had suddenly started beating too fast as if it was trying to fly out of her chest. She coughed violently spraying blood on her hoody sleeve. She wheezed to breathe.

'Get out, get out right now', Nozomi's words were ringing like bells in her ears. The cavern was huge, she could fight it out. But that would waste too much time she would die off inhaling too much poisonous gas. The walls rumbled. It felt like a freight train was approaching, fast... very fast. Few more seconds Aina thought. She would have to move as fast as she could while her cursed energy being off.

She almost had a heart attack as two massive worm curses spilled into the chamber. Huge and darker and much stronger they snapped at each other's head. As if they had come here to fight for food. But they stopped as they saw Aina in the corner covered with cursed egg goo she looked too much like a scared rabbit fallen in a box full of snakes.

Aina wasn't scared to die. She would if it comes to that. But this mission. She couldn't die here. Nanami would never forgive himself and Satoru, she couldn't think what he would feel. Would Satoru feel bad if I died?

'Stop thinking about that sorcerer!' Nozomi screamed with an ear-piercing screech. 'Get out! Move!'

 Aina could move. She had to. "Here!" She jumped as she shouted to get the curses' attention. "Yes, I am food. Come on, come and get me. I bet I am tasty too!" The worms moved with unbelievable speed for such huge creatures. Aina almost jumped out of her skin as she saw them come. She took the nearest open hole and ran through it as fast as she could. She could hear the curses behind her but they hadn't caught up. Why? Her cursed energy was off. She looked vulnerable. They should follow. If her energy had been on they would hesitate. They would be happy enough to just drive her out of the nest, they would never follow. They weren't following even now. Why....

She knew why as she landed back into the cavern again, looking at the creatures from a different angle this time. She was immediately behind them. She had taken the tunnel that circled back to the cavern. Not the one that leads outside. And where the fuck had she fallen in this hell hole from? No idea. She couldn't even think properly as her vision violently swung. Shit, the poison was taking hold already. How long had it been? 

'4 minutes. But it's affecting you faster because your cursed energy is off. You are as human as possible in this state. You don't really have 5 minutes.' Nozomi said calmly. Maybe not calmly but all Aina could hear was a distant voice of Nozomi's as her body threatened to lose consciousness.

She had to choose the right tunnel from these tunnel-ridden walls. One that leads outside into fresh air... into safety. Into Gojo Satoru's arms. She almost giggled at that. Fuck why was she having drunk thoughts? Was her body's coping mechanism failing?

Breathe. Breathe Aina. And think. Concentrate your senses. Even a normal human can find a way out with a breeze of air, noise of water, insects-  her thoughts were cut short as a special grade 1 spun to face her. She sprang into action as she ran straight between the two special grade 1s. Yes, she was right the cavern, though huge was still small for so many huge monsters to freely move around. A grade 1 blocked her path and snapped at her viciously as she jumped around breaking more eggs. That was certainly making them angry.

Another grade 1 charged her. If she didn't have the Sight working she would have lost her right half of the body. She had to take a tunnel. Had to be the right one. It cant be much higher cause the curses probably didn't want to land on their eggs while they fell into the cavern. So it must be near to the ground. Near for her to reach. As she runs across one tunnel to another, a breeze of air softly blew her hair out of her eyes.

Air. Opening. Outside. That tunnel right beside another grade 1. Aina lurched changing directions as fast as she could and was in the tunnel. It was a little bigger than the previous tunnel. She prayed to tunnel gods it didn't narrow down or she was as good as dead. She couldn't fight in tunnels even if she wanted to nor did she have enough time. Her body was already at its limit.

She ran as the worms gave a chase. The floor rumbled as they raced each other to get to her first. Suddenly the tunnel opened into a stalactite cave. Weird. 

Was she moving further down below the factory. Nope, no time to think. Her legs almost buckled below her. Only the adrenaline was kept her going. But for how long. The opposite cave wall had another tunnel. The only exit out of this cave. She ran. As the tunnel progressed it started slopping upwards ever so slightly making it harder to run but she was thankful she was getting near the surface.

Her hopes came crashing down as it ended in another cave that had caved in. It was dark as fuck already but her demon eyes could look around a little even as she swayed and coughed blood all over her soggy blue hoody. A cave-in. No place to run. But there had been a breeze.

'At your right, there's a sewage line tunnel. Move those legs, Aina!' Nozomi screeched. Only she had been screeching for far longer. But Aina's senses were deemed. That was bad, very bad. It was going to hit 5 minutes mark soon.

Aina saw the sewage line just in time as the tunnel almost burst with the worms chasing her down. The smaller ones looked injured as the bigger ones snapped at them to stay out of the way. Aina ran like her life depended on it because it did. To her horror, a grade 1 overtook her to the tunnel and swiftly turned around opening its mouth wide open.

Aina ducked and slipped through under the worm and kept running. She made a swift turn to her left and was overjoyed when she saw a circle of light.

She was almost stretching her hands towards it when she realized that it wasn't outside. It opened into a huge pipe pit where pipe water drained. And she was almost 50 feet above the ground. She couldn't even stop her, momentum kept her going as she approached the ledge. 

The pipe rumbled and she saw the creature's teeth catching the moon's light as they rushed towards her, their mouths wide open.

She jumped. Hitting the water almost 50 feet below. Water smacked her back to reality for a little longer. She felt more conscious. She could hear huge splashes behind her as the worms hit the water too. Her clothes completely soaked and her breathing labored, Aina looked around for a drainpipe opening. She saw four of them one at each wall. She rushed towards the nearest one and tried to pull the metal lid open. It wouldn't budge.

Her legs gave in as she coughed out more blood and kept pulling at the bars to somehow force them open. The pit was big enough for the worms to move around her. And in the moonlight, they looked more sinister than ever. Wet and hungry, they spiraled over one another, at least eight of them. Fear had started gripping Aina now making it harder to breathe. She pulled at the rungs as painful moans escaped her throat.

Turn on my cursed energy... turn it on. She thought. 'It's already on, Aina. It has been on past 15 seconds you fell in this hole' Nozomi said.

It's on? But I don't feel ...anything. No power, no inhuman strength... nothing.

'It's your conscious... body is giving up...fresh air', Nozomi's voice reached her like a call with bad reception. Aina kept tugging at the metal bars but the worms had waited enough. A special grade 1 caught her midsection sinking its teeth in her sides and it pulled her away from the lid with such force, it took the lid off with her. She could have seen it coming if she had been in her normal conditions. Her Sight could have saved her.

Aina spat out a mouthful of blood as she felt her cold soggy hoody fill with warmth, the warmth of her blood. The worm rose 20 feet high in the air as it decided to gulp down this morsel of a human being. The pain helped regain her footing as Aina grew her nails into talons and slashed at the creature. It didn't drop her. What's a little pain if your food is dripping its yummy juices right in your mouth...

But it released Aina as it tossed her into the air at least 20 more feet up and spread open its mouth below her waiting for her to fall right into it. A scream rose in Aina's throat as she looked down at her imminent death. She was going to fall right into that teeth pit and become a human-flavored chewing gum. Fear and pain worked excellently to show her the sight below a little too clearly than she would have liked. She was going to die and she was scared, very scared.

But she didn't fall into the worms's mouth as another special grade 1 snapped at the large worm pushing its mouth away from Aina. She fell back into the water. They were fighting over food, over her... oh how romantic.

She wasted no time panicking as she tried to run to the now open drainpipe, the lid lying right in front. Open. Freedom. Finally. She was 10 feet from the opening when she saw the third special grade 1 charging towards her from inside the pipe.

Yes, there had been three. She had counted three. She wasn't careful enough. She had been too stubborn to take this on herself and now she was food. Her death would be blamed on Satoru and Nanami. Satoru might even lose his job as a teacher. Nanami will resign. They would both be miserable. Her two best mates at JJK. And she never even told Gojo san what she felt about him. That he was an annoying bastard but she wouldn't have him any other way. She had wanted to be a part of Nanami's marriage more than anything. But here she was, in a drainage dump, seconds away from death.

 Outside ~~~~

Nanami looked at his watch. It was 5 minutes. She had asked 7 but they won't wait for 7. He won't wait for 7.

"Nanami" Satoru yelled. "All done here, are we?" Gojo Satoru had had enough. No more curses ran out after 3-minute mark. It had been 2 minutes of him waiting so Aina could make it out with the worms at her back. No worms so far and definitely no Aina.

She was very good at her work. He wanted more people like her to be a part of Jujutsu High. But even people like her got in tight situations. And he needed to have their backs.

Would it be too late to help Aina?

Inside ~~~~

The special grade 1 rushed towards her and Aina had frozen like a deer in headlights. Waiting to be run over. And the moment where one’s life flashes before their eyes... she didn’t have it.

The worms head exploded in as a ball of red energy hit it square in the face. The collision blew Aina off her feet and before she would strike the opposite wall she found her fall cushioned.

Well, she hadn't fallen at all. She was looking up at Gojo san's disheveled hair. His blindfold off as he grinned at the worms like a maniac.

And she was in his arms. Nothing would harm her here.

"Satoru", Aina sighed as her eyes almost got moist with tears.

"From Gojo san to Satoru, you must have taken quite a beating" Satoru grinned as Aina felt her cheeks flush. Well, she had taken a beating. Her clothes were torn and blood-soaked and she could barely stand as he had seen from above the pit opening. Satoru never wanted her to go to the factory while the gas leaked. He was sorry he had been reckless. She could have protected herself had she not been partially unconscious because of the gas.

Aina whimpered in pain and he could clearly feel the dentures in her flesh as he carried her as delicately as a glass figurine. She was healing. Her flesh patching up but the pain, the pain would remain till she was completely healed. And this made Satoru angry.

He wasn't losing her to a bunch of worms. Special grade 1 or whatever, he could stomp them with his feet and he would do just that. The worm heads blasted off one after another but none dropped the cursed object. Aina almost wanted to cry of disappointment. How was this possible? They had evolved which meant they had come in contact with the cursed object at some point. Some point today. Some point 10 to15 minutes ago.

"Ok, time to go," Gojo san said and he firmly held her now that her wounds had patched up. He placed back his blindfold as he looked down at her face. The disappointment in those eyes almost pierced his heart. They had completed the mission partially but that wouldn't make Aina happy. And he cared whether it made her happy or not. Cause when she was happy everyone around her was happy, even he.

 Outside~~~

Nanami was starting to lose it as he waited for his mission mates to emerge. Especially Aina. Nothing could kill Satoru. But Aina was just as reckless if not more when it came to her perfect records. She wouldn't have one dark spot on her records, not one failed mission. Why had he let her go? Why hadn't he chased her down and knocked some sense into that coconut head of hers?

Gojo Satoru's feet landed on the concrete floor gracefully. Nanami almost snapped around and breathed a sigh of relief as he saw Aina in Satoru's arms. He let her down and she almost gasped with pain before forcing her mouth shut and breathing heavily. Nanami took her little form in and it broke his heart. Her clothes were torn at her sides like something huge had punctured her and no one could ever tell that hoody was blue. He couldn't either if he hadn't seen it being blue.

Aina gulped in the fresh air as she dropped her weight on the nearby concrete pipes. That's when the cold hit her and she pulled off her wet hoody. Nanami rushed to her side as he gave her his suit jacket cause she would freeze to death in her wet tank top otherwise. "You need a change of clothes. Do you have one?" He inquired.

"No", Aina sighed. She hadn't been expecting to be on a mission today. Her hands were wrinkled and parchment white and shook violently. Today had been too much for her. And for what? A failed mission. She wanted to roll into a ball, a ball of shame.

That's when she noticed the pup hiding beside her in the rubble of concrete whimpering and it almost sounded painful. Aina immediately forgot how miserable she was and she picked up the pup carefully and kept it in her lap. She petted it carefully. She would have continued had a surge of cursed energy not shook her core.

The pup bit her hand viciously, it would have taken a finger off if she hadn't shaken it. "It bit me!" She screeched. Black pus oozing out of the wound.

Both men were already alert. And all three of them stared as the pup, now a partial curse chocked on something trying to swallow it. Aina cursed herself. She had not been very smart today or she could have seen the unusual amount of cursed energy flowing through the 'pup'. She had sensed it and dismissed it as a side effect of being around grade 1 curses for too long.

This pup had swallowed the cursed object.

Nanami reached for his knife. 

"I got this" Satoru said with a grin as he blasted the pup off to smithereens. With a yelp, it was gone. And in that mess lay the box.

Of course, it was a special grade cursed object. It was a finger of Sukuna, still neatly packed in the little box. Had it directly touched any curses today they would be fighting against special grades. Satoru made the box levitate over his palm as he playfully chuckled "Nanami, catch!"

Nanami almost grossed out as the filth covered box touched his shirt, wrapped it in his handkerchief and pocketed it carefully. Aina felt a smile tugging at her lips and she gave out an amused laugh. She was sad for the pup but it hadn't suffered much as Satoru ended it’s suffering immediately.

Both men looked at Aina, parchment white and shivering and smiling and they couldn't help but smile and be happy. It was nice hanging around a happy curse of emotions.

They looked up just in time as three black cars made their way to the factory gate. Sorcerers... ones who knew what to do with the poison gas. Aina and Nanami sighed with relief. 

"Hello everyone! Leaving this mess off to you guys now. We are out" Satoru announced as he made gave his mission mates a happy pat on the back

"Good job guys. What a nice team we are. We should do this more often"

Synchronized groans from Aina and Nanami.

Aina and Satoru made their way to the car after Aina grabbed her book bag. Nanami stayed a second longer to pull off his veil after the other sorcerer's had set theirs.

"Okay! Congratulations on the successful completion of your mission and as your senpai, I am going to treat you both to some tasty food. What will you have Aina, Nanami?"

Aina wanted a bath before she touched anything she could eat and Nanami wanted a giant-sized glass of beer.

But at least someone was as happy as ever. What a menace Gojo Satoru was but Aina wouldn't have him any other way :)

[intellijuice]

Malfixation

A malicious fixation on a person animal or object that damages the relationship with that particular person, animal or object.

What started as a quick jot down so I would not forget the details of a regular life lesson that I repetitively fail at spawned a poem writing sesh with no food substance or breaks par a few sips of water 👍 at which point I could not remember what started the whole thing which is generally a good cue to break. Time flys when your cheating doves hey? (If you don't get that ask me it will be on the tip of your tongue I swear)

Often I am afraid to address some of the themes inside my poems that concern and investigate the war on drugs. The war on drugs is the worlds longest global conflict and the most deadly conflict of the 21st century and it continues everyday across the globe with no cease fire on a battlefield where the lines between chemistry and humanity are blurred and the victims and enemies share the same title. No matter who you are if you live on planet earth the war on drugs affects you either through psychological or physical addiction and dependancy based issues that have a wide reaching effect across the entire spectrum of society or because our most trusted public and private health providers are in oblivious to the notion that they might not only be ripping us off... but they could also be slowly killing us while we pay for the luxery. I am not an advocate for drugs but i am an advocate for harm minimisation and education. I have seen and experienced an overwhelming amount if pain caused not just these substances but the restrictions and poor regulation that has proven itself as ineffective and causing greater harm while ignoring the deeper issues that connect this problem to the rest of the problems the world faces this very instant. And so I am further inspired to continue my journey to stable sobriety and allow these experiences to serve as lessons to help others on their journey as well.

Right now we have this raw as fuck piece and I have to let it go for at least a day otherwise I might go insane perfecting this bad boy (im going to take some time with this one) So enjoy it in its raw infancy (i honestly cant stand it) before I cull the cheesy bits leaving only the finest mature vintage cheese for your ears to enjoy (that is also an original line and i am claiming it if no one else has). That and the flow needs heaps of tuning because it pops once it gets going and i want it to roll the whole way through but i keep making small edits and yeh I need that break haha. I really like where this is heading but maybe I am just giddy to have some words coming back into my life after and during a time of darkness. I was worried a part of myself was about to be lost and its a great relief to have that feeling come back strong.

And to my close friend and favourite fan who knows who they are. Please also know that I am very sorry and I miss you dearly. I hope you enjoy this poem in progress

Drug malfixiation creates a paradoxical relationship with the truth

Unfortunately the law doesn't always reflect the truth

Some lawful truths are built on a foundation of criminal misunderstandings

And some truths are so wrong they can not possibly be right

So what happens to people when their relationship with a particular truth threatens to expose them in an unforgiving world

How can we accept the phantom of an honest life while we are lead by the faults of our misgivings towards dishonoured hand shakes

Sculpting delusions to sleep inside these delusions we sculpted somewhere out of touch

As we press each other for so much for truth we fall under our weight of of our chests as they break

Forgotten is a beauty found entangled in the pearling of white lies and honest tests of faith

Blackened with protection and providing for redemption covered up with labels for conceptions

A journey started early will find no comfort if its late

Feeding rot stained paint into finite graves and turning powder into cakes

Left to learn from our mistakes and find safety in misdirection

Spinning up he stories told to find the pride we lost in honour and rejection

We find so much fault in failing because we succeed so much at decaying

We created extremes so separated we rarely see the child inside the adult or the human inside the crime

Following poisoned code written by the rot of skeletons who found taste in twisting adolescent minds

Who paid more for the gifts and curses of flesh and bone then keeping the words they scribbled on notes

Leaving the bitter taste of sitting on a throne when we gave up a priceless stream for the price of dams and because sometimes we only listen to what we think know

Strangling mountains for throw away vouchers to a life built by choices we mistook for power

Giving gifts to ill made saints we cry for pity and shed no tears for

Without proper education or dignified incentive

With little sense and heavy dollars

We are rewarded for chocking oceans

From a lifestyle that leaves a trail of orphans

Brought economy is a game that turns men into mouses and women into closets

People do drugs

To swim in the feelings that where stolen

In ways that make my heart sing

In ways that make mt heart weep

And in ways that make my heart bleed

Amplified by a scale so large we can no longer read the details that we need

Stolen by the wants we did not breed

The birthing if our choices is a fantasy that must fail to be conceived

Detailed by the extent of deceit and decency

And met by the breadth of charity when life mistakes our curse for our misery

To make cures we have to balance the toxicity

From the greed that burns through knowledge and turns suffering to mystery

So we cannot see

Only we could

Speak the ghost that haunts truths we lay for paths to foiled treachery

And fly without the boats we sail in births with ideal tendencies

Blind to brittle brutes who fight for empty souls

Masked by fractured glass we are freed by misplaced fools and fractured entities

The carless tracks we paint behind we hope might haunt they who gave more truth to pennies

While we drown in lost gold turning fire into frozen electricity

Atoms into farms and symbols into tools for blood tied by rope dripped in kerosene

Leaving scars on mastered tempered brass so large our warmth lost the moment we let the cold in

Shivering in denial when the mind drys up from being buried by a breaths so heavy it turns the tide

Where matter matters most is when it can be a ladder that we can climb

Before we forget we forgot how to die

[rioskingdom]

Amor Pasado

Chapter 3

"I think I'm gonna puke," I slammed my eyes shut, taking the precaution of even covering them with my hand.

"Why did you come into an empty room," Cesar shouted. I heard the sound of objects being stepped on.

"Oh were gonna be judging me for coming into an empty room, not the sex-crazed teens, getting it on, in the teacher's desk!" I cringed at my own comment, shaking the thought of the kids having sex. "I have a free period, so I come into this room, it has the best signal in the whole school," When the room fell silent, I opened my eyes, moving my hand away.

Monse and Cesar both stood straight up, looking guilty as ever. "so we're just gonna go," Cesar tried walking away, Monse following close behind him but I called them out.

"how long has this been going on," I asked them.

Cesar was scratching the back of his neck, "the first time was before camp,"

"Then it started again about two weeks ago" she added. "Don't tell the crew," Monse pleaded. Why she was scared of telling Ruby and Jamal beat me, but it wasn't my secret to tell.

"Monse, I'm honestly trying to forget about it myself," I sighed, rubbing my hands against my face.

"I always did find you two very cute, even when you were kids," Both of them beamed, "You know you cant keep it a secret forever," they both nodded their heads. "Be careful where you guys are having sex, next time it'll be a teacher" I warned, as they left the room.

This room would forever be scarred in my head, not making me want to sit here anymore. I darted towards the library, while you still had a free period.

---

"You sure you dont want to go to the dance?" Olivia was picking pieces of clothing, shoving them in a bag. I shook my head, lowering my laptop screen.

"Dances aren't my scene, plus it's gonna be filled with ninth and tenth graders, no offense," she laughed, grabbing her bag. "Ok, have fun alone in this room," She giggled.

"Im gonna have so much fun, working on my homework!" Ruby came in, talking nonsense about being woke, after a few years with him, I learned how to turn my hearing off with him. Once they left, I focused on my homework. My grades had to be perfect, I had to give Cornell no reason to reject me.

There was a knock on the door, at first, I was gonna ignore it, but when I heard the second knock, I got up heading to the door.

When I opened the door, Victoria stood there, "Hey Carmen," I leaned against the doorway, examining her. "I missed you,"

"I dont," I responded, making her take a step back.

"I talked to the headmaster," she continued. "she's willing to forget the past and let you back into the school," Of course she would, hoping I dont tell the school board about her rendezvous with her students.

Her hand moved to hold mine, "we could be together again,"

I considered the possibility of returning, missing my friends, my professors, actually having a shot of going to Cornell. I looked down, watching as her hand, which once felt warm and comforting, now felt cold and stonelike. I peered up at her, my hand slipping from hers.

"I think its time for you to go," I mumbled. Focusing my attention on the flower pot, outside the door.

"Come on Car' we all missed you up there," She leaned closer.

"Dont call me that," I snapped at her, pushing her back. "you lost that right when I caught you screwing the headmaster," I spat at her.

"It wasn't like that, you're naturally smart," she defended herself, "I had to find a way to keep my grades up to stay in Gardensfield,"

"Are you expecting me to feel sorry?" I asked her. Whatever excuse she tried giving, it didn't change the fact, she cheated on me. Her eyes fell on my wrist.

"You took off your bracelet?" I walked away, going to my room, grabbing the bracelet that I threw on the floor weeks ago. I got to the door, handing her the bracelet.

"Have a nice life, Victoria," I slammed the door shut, resting my back against the door. My breath growing ragged as my chest felt heavy. Someone came from behind me, giving me a hug. I turned to them, seeing Abuela.

"Abuelita?" She backed up, coughing behind her, I'm assuming to not cough on me.

"Im sorry you had to see that Abuelita," I apologized, taking in a deep breath.

"no need to apologize, you should go out, have fun, forget this Victoria person,"

"I have homework," I tried to explain, but abuelita started nudging into my room.

"Nonsense, youre only young once," she was right. I couldn't go back to writing math problems. But where would I go? I'd never step foot in a high school dance. I sent Cesar a message, see if maybe he knew of a party, since he was in the gang.

there's a party at Monse, dance got canceled

Good enough excuse. I grabbed my phone, heading to Monse's.

----

I was getting lost in Jasmine's story, as I finished downing my beer. I walked to her fridge, grabbing another one.

"You sure thats a good idea, thats your third one," Monse told me. Who was she to judge?

"Hey im the adult here," I told her, keeping my sentences short and sweet.

"You're 17, "I stuck my tongue out on Monse, opening up my beer.

I looked to Jasmine cheering her on, "Jasmine, so tell me that story about your third nipple," I started drinking my beer, walking to her as she started gushing on how she discovered it. The minute I sat on the couch, I stood back up, coming to the realization that I had to pee very bad.  

"I have to pee," My memory was pulling tricks on me, I couldn't remember where Monse's bathroom was. I've been here a few times, so why can't I remember the location. I stumbled into Monse's bedroom, realizing this wasn't the restroom. My eyes fell onto Cesar, who was on the phone.

"Cesar," I whispered, trying to be quiet. He looked up at me.

"Oscar hold on," he turns to look at me

"That's Oscar?" he nodded his head, "tell him he's a poopy head," Cesar smiled, saying something on the phone. I looked down, spotting a penny on the floor. It must be my lucky day.

"Yup," He hung up the phone as I reached down for the quarter. I shot up, acting as if I didn't have my hand on the cookie jar.

"Cesar I'm lost, I need the bathroom," He looked confused.

"What?" he laughed, not understanding me.

"I have to pee," His mouth shaped into an "o" taking me to the bathroom. Once I finished using the restroom, I went to the sink, washing my hands, before spattering some of the water onto my face.

I stumbled outside of the bathroom, seeing Jasmine passed out on the couch. I walked outside, taking my bottle with me, needing some fresh air.

I sat on the porch, looking at the night sky. Oscar came up to me, sitting next to me, "Aren't you a little too grown for this party," I asked him, giving him a smile.

"I would say the same to you," He said.

"I can do whatever the hell I want," I answered, lifting the beer bottle, getting ready to take a sip. Oscar grabbed the bottle from my hands, moving it away from me.

"Pendejo!" I cursed, turning to him.

"Que te pasa?" he scolded. Okay, dad.

"Nothing," I told him, but his face read that he wasn't gonna give up. By now I was tired of Oscar's bullshit. I haven't even forgiven from last week, leaving me hanging that way. My anger sobered me up pretty quickly, causing me to stand up, so I could face him.

"Oh my god, what is up with you, no quieres ser mi hermano, pero jodes de ser mi amigo, you dont want to kiss me?" I ranted to him.

"Not this shit again," He rolled his eyes, getting up but I pushed him back down so that I was the taller person here.

"yes, this shit again," I scolded him, he leaned back, resting his arms against the steps, almost enjoying my outburst.

"I said no to going back to Gardenfields because of a past relationship biting me in the ass, and now you-" I massaged my temples, feeling an incoming headache.

"I mean am I crazy? did I read the signs wrong?" He had a smirk, written on his lips.

"Why the fuck are you smirking," I ranted. He stood up, pulling me flush against him. Bending down, he crashed his lips on mine. The mixture of cigarette with spearmint caused my body to melt into his, as he held on to me, keeping me upright. As he pulled away, he brushed his thumb against my lips.

"you're not crazy," he breathed. I gasped, running to the bushes, puking the contents from my stomach.

[voidselfshipp]

Troubled troubles

Ok to rb

Summary:Basically s/I and adler fluff, a bit of angst and a buttload of oc stuff

Gif by travellar on Tumblr

@romancologist @mycinnamonapples uwu

Another Slam of hands on the table announces jerico that adler is yet having problems with something, she sighs Rolling her shoulders back, and her two cats sit ontop of them.

--Oh boy I do love hearing my boyfriend mad--she said playfully leaning on the doorsill of adler's Office.

Russel turns to look at her, he smiles a bit --Hey princess, sorry for makin too much noise,I know you dont like that

Jeri shrugged and Walked over, sitting on her boyfriends lap--Okay let me see whats up

--Ive been trying to fix this radio for Woods, nothings workin

She takes the radio and looks at it--Did you notice some of the cables are broken? Like when your headphones cable is broken and you twist the cord around for it to work?

--...wait what?

--Yeah its broken see?

Adler internally facepalms as his cheeks turn red--How could I not notice that?

Jer kisses his scarred cheek and leaves the radio on the desk standing up--Anyway ill go chance, todays prayer Day at cycle coasts main temple,you sure you dont want to go?

--No babe,im alright you go enjoy your terran stuff

She chuckled and shook her head walking over to her room to change.

The Roaring of the motorcycle engine drowned out any other sound in the garage, jerico put her helmet on,both of her cats tucked in her backpack,peeking through the semi Open compartment.

Her black cat mewls and presses their snout against the back of her head--Im alright vica,I just wish Russ came with me whenever we have celebrations, its something I dont want him to miss...but alas...--Her cat hissed and she snorted a chuckle-- dont be mad at him,our culture can be hard to digest

The cat rolled their eyes and sunk back into her backpack.

The wind hit her visor as she drove to cycle coast, she looked at the cloudy Sky, and sped up.

The drums could already be heard, jer chained her motorcycle to a post and Walked to the beach,there people in traditional terran wear danced with fans,banners and sticks, she sat amongst the crowd listening to the old woman talk.

Her hair was long,braids sprinkled about her hair, white as the moon,the traditional pristess robe, blue and black touched the sand and her long sleeves draped as she talked.

--Jerico...nice to see you could join Us.

Jerico smiled--Id never miss it

--did you bring your handsome boyfriend with you?

Jeri looked away--no,hes not really into our culture

The old womans brow furrow--such a shame...I wanted to meet him--she then perked up at the audience --You see, jerico has come here since she was a little trouble making bean about this tall--she puts her hand against her shoulder--so she heard this tale Many many times

When humans and gods lived along eachother--the elder pristess said-- and demons Ran amok at night,our goddess of death fell in love with one of those creatures.

She had Fallen for the King of the black demon hell, and had a child.

This is the child we'll talk about,in our books hes named xazo kazlaz or bell, it says that then elementus got wind of their relationshipp and they had to split.

About deaths son however.. she raised him to be the one that would guide the people to the afterlife...or hell navigating through the vast ocean of the dead with bells to guide him and Open the Doors to each realm...

Does anybody know why hes represented as an axolotl?--

Jerico raised her hand, and the pristess let her talk--because hes both a god and a demon, hes half and half like the axolotl that is an amphibian creature

The woman nodded-- very good,now lets commune back at the temple shall we?

As the people left, both the priestess and jeri were left alone,both Walked a bit distanced from the crowd.

--Thats one of my favourite stories you know zaivelaz

The woman smiled--I know thats why when I got your letter of you coming I changed it, its more interesting that the story of our patron goddess fighting over a piece of cheese

Jer started to laugh--Yeah that day was one hell of a day

Zaivelaz shook her head--Being a goddess amongst humans is hard?

--Like you have no idea,specially with my boyfriend,two of the people gods in my family had human partners and they...they died,im scared something similar Will happend to him

Her companion put a hand on jericos shoulder--It wont...I promise

--Thanks...zai

The steps along the floating bridge were Many,jeri couldnt help but wonder how it would be if adler was here.

She struggled so much with showing him her culture that it made her feel sad,then again one of the moral rules in Terras was not to force anyone,and she wouldnt break it.

She sat on the floor with the priestesses and closed her eyes interlocking her fingers as she softly whispered.

--Hey ozi...Been a while...--she sighed-- I left you some offerings by your statues feet, I know you dont like this sorta stuff...but ive missed you, a lot, just...just..tell eryz and abbadon that I love em..and that same goes to you..i love you aunt ozi

After the prayers it was time for the festival, jeri Spotted a young Man wearing all black, white eyes,and black hair in a bun.

The Man seemed to notice her as he ran to her,hugging her tightly.

--Abbadon!--She said kissing her cousins cheek--Ive missed you

Abbadon put his hand in his pockets--Ive missed you too...what I could not miss is this festival! All because of our family?, wow!

Jer giggled and offered her hand--Wanna dance?

--You bet!

Their feet moved in synch,the flags spun in circles as they danced.

Abbadon threw his banners and jeri catched him, and he hers.

They were enjoying themselves when the music stopped abruptly.

They Turned to see the people around them that were equally confused.

The musicians pointed at the huge tide approaching them.

Both demigod cousins stepped infront of the tide and stopped it as its about to break, they both looked at eachother and nodded.

Jeri pushed it to one side, and abbadon followed, the water splashed them and them only and nobody got hurt.

--Your mom needs to stop sending tides that could literally drown someone when she wants to send a sign...

Abbadon crouched putting his hands on his knees,batting his hand at his cousin--i tried... no way talking her out of It

The celebration ended with no further altercations, jerico went back home and took a quick warm shower to then collapse on the bed.

--Hes still with that fucking radio isnt he?...--She sighed giving up--why do I even try anymore?

The sun filtered through the blinds jerico groaned and opened her eyes,only to find her boyfriends spot on the bed empty.

She grunts and sits up, her cats sitting on her lap-- I know I know..--she picks them up and walks to the kitchen where she gives both of them their food.

Jeri felt a pair of arms hug her from behind, she sighs nuzzling into adlers chest.

--Good morning sweetheart

--Hey...

--Watcha cooking there?

--Bacon and eggs for you and a healthy terran breakfast for me

--Oh...good

Both ended up eating their breakfast in silence, Russell could tell there was something wrong with his girlfriend, he took her hand and she looked at him,those beautiful eyes he loved looking at were filled to the brim with sadness.

--babe...whats up?--He asked concerned.

--I just...wish you could come with me whenever we have festivals here--she said taking a bite from her waffle that had cream and pieces of caramelized fruit--its something I really really want you to participate in...but I know you dont like this sorta stuff and I wont force you

Adler sits back realizing what he had done, hes been neglecting a part of her that is important to her,those were her roots and he was stepping all over them.

He finished his breakfast and Walked over to her, lifting her up and hugging her--Im so sorry babe--he kissed her cheek-- I know this is important to you and i--

Jeri smiled kissing him again and cupping his cheeks--How about you come to todays festival in time temple with me huh?you dont have to wear our traditional attire,but I tell you it gets cold there

--Id love to, do I have to bring something?

--Not really, im going to make an offering though,it depends on the person

--perfect then...cant wait

Both smiled and kissed again.

The end of the day arrived quickly between work and chores to do.

Adler was waiting by the door fixing his leather jacket.

--How do I look?

Russ looks up at jerico and gasps--Very pretty

She smiled playing with the hem of her green turtle neck that had her shoulders peeking, her roman sandals clicked and clacked with every step she made.

The drive to time temple wasnt long, and luckily they arrived just in time for the story.

The elder priestess smiled when she saw jerico and nodded, proceeding to talk-- a long time ago, the second generation of dieties were born, they were meant to regulate life, amongst the three of them we find our patron goddess...chronos the incessant pass of time...

Elementus tasked a human to build a machine that could measure time, that is when the first sun clock was born,the human handed it to the Creator and with a sprinkle of magic the clock changed into a small girl, with short black hair, she had pale skin and two pale blue eyes, and from there,she was born.

Trained by elementus sister, Ray,the god of war...she then moved to her Realm where she measures time and the life of every being in existence..., from humans to animals and even objects, some say that she collects clocks of all kind and if.you want to meet her youll need to bring the rarest of clocks,of course, its all myths...or...are they?--the priestess finished her tale,and the offerings began.

Adler uncomfortably stayed behind as jeri prayed,she then Turned to him and ushered him to come closer.

--And this is my boyfriend, Russell

--Babe what are you doing?

--Introducing my aunt to you

--Your...aunt?

--Yeah ive told you like a month ago im half goddess..and this is my aunt...chronos

--I...I thought you were joking when you said that --Jeri Turned at her boyfriend with a face of pure disbelief,he hunched his back--Sorry...

--Anyway..chronos...hes my boyfriend Russell, I wish you were here to meet him...hes very sweet sometimes

--Sometimes?

She chuckled and kissed his cheek-- sometimes--she then Turned at the statue--i wish you were here to meet him, I really miss you--Adler gave her some space and sat back on the chair--i miss you and dad so much...--she stood up--Ill..ill see you later auntie chronos--she smiled and Walked over to adler hugging him.

The festival inside the temple was full of music and food of all kinds, and both came back home exhausted.

Adler maybe got a solid six ours of sleep before hes awaken by her girlfriends voice--Babe...babe wake up...

He smiled kissing her--Morning princess

--There you are,change quickly my family came to visit

His eyes Open wide --What?

--Yeah they are here, come on change

She patted his chest and Walked into the kitchen, where abbadon was setting the table.

Adler Walked in a few minutes later only to find two men and three women talking with her girlfriend,who noticed him and hugged him--Okay everyone, say hi to russel,Russell this is abbadon, this is chronos--she said pointing at the woman with short black hair and glasses-- those are my aunts eryz and ozi, aka the goddeses of life and death--

Adler was baffled at the normalcy jeri used when talking about her family,he looked at ozi,her black Long hair fell down to the floor, a scar along her left eye and she was wearing a long blue. sundress,eryz had short brown hair, using the same glasses as chronos was, she had vitiligo and was wearing a white shirtdress with a green fitted blazer--and this is my Dad,Raymond.

To say adler was scared shitless was an understatement,his father in law was wearing a black leather jacket,black jeans and boots,a white t-shirt and aviator sunglasses, he was also way taller than him,with his black hair pushed back and two scars on each side of his face,one under his right eye and one right on the left side of his jaw in the middle between his mouth and the spot where both jaw and neck meet.

Chronos laughed and softly elbowed Ray-- Raymond youre scaring the poor human

--He better treat my daughter alright..

Jeri smiled and kissed russel--Dont worry dad he does

They all sat to eat breakfast, adler seemed intimidated by the dietys around him,but slowly let his guard down, they were a pleaseant bunch in their own way, more human than hed like to think.

Sadly after breakfast they all had to leave.

After saying their goodbyes russel and jerico end up cuddling on the bed.

--Your family is nice--russel said as he ran his fingers through her hair.

--nexts to meet yours

He chuckled--Maybe

They kiss, and he hugs her waist enveloping her in a tight bear hug.

--I love you jer

--I love you too russ

[kyber-kisses]

Too Soon (Part.11)

Dean Winchester x Reader

Warnings: major spoilers for 15x03, even more angst. The reader putting dean in his place.

Summary: when family bonds are broken, the reader takes some time to herself to process

A/n: once again, 15x03 ripped my heart out of my body and threw it into a ditch. I’m disgusted. I’m revolted. I devote my life to these characters and this is the thanks I get?!

You had lost track of time keeping your eyes on the massive scar in the earth. You didn’t want to look at it, but with it being so massive and all, it was hard to tear your eyes from it.

Your back rested against the cool marble of a rather large headstone, Dean kneeling across from you, continuously glancing between you and the pit that sat just to the right of you.

You knew he was ecstatic that you were back, but the idiot would not stop worrying. He never let you stray to far from him and it was only mildly annoying. He didn't used to be like this but apparently you dying had changed some things. He knew you could handle yourself. Knowing you most of his life he had seen you take down demons twice your size, and kill full nests of vampires. . .but god forbid you kneel to close to a fucking hole in the ground. You could see it in his expression; she is way too close to that thing.

Rolling your eyes, you let your head fall back against the stone, pupils wandering back to the hole in the ground. “Dean, could you please stop staring at me like that? I’m fine.” You sighed, adjusting the shotgun in your hands.

He sucked in a breath before making his way over to you, sliding down to sit next to you. “I’m sorry Y/N, I just--- now that you're back I don't want anything happening to you.” He breathed.

“I Know, I'm sorry.” You admitted, looking over at him. “But Dean, you cant baby me. I can take care of myself. You know that. I don't need 24/7 protection.” You paused, taking in his features. “I know my death hit you hard, and I’m really sorry.”

His face fell immediately upon you saying the words. It was the truth, he just didn’t know how to admit it. You watched his eyes dart towards the ground. clearly he didn't want to think back on it.

“Yeahhh. I didn’t- I didn’t take it well.” He paused, sucking in air. “There were a lot of things that came to mind that I should have told you. “

You reached over, grabbing his hand in your own, a small smile tugging on your features. “Well I’m back now, we got all the time in the world.” There it was again- another lie. You were digging yourself into a deeper hole.

“Yeah- that is unless the earth opens up even more and swallows us whole.” He lightly chuckled, eyes fixed sadly on your clasped hands. Leaning over slightly, you planted a kiss on his cheek, making his eyes flick back up to you.

The two of you let yourselves have that moment- even if it lasted only a few seconds. A deep understanding that you shared. The two of you were constantly worrying about each other, and that was never going to change. 

Dean snapped himself out of it, slightly shaking his head as he turned to fish the hex-bag like bomb from his duffel, gently tossing it in his hand. “You think we’ll know when to toss this thing in?” He questioned, passing it into your open palm.

“C,mon- this is Rowena we’re talking about. We will definitely know.” You fired back, tearing your eyes away from the object in your hand. “It is taking awhile though. . .” You paused.

As if on cue, a droning( and quite frankly, obnoxious) noise erupted out of the tear in the earth next to you, taken back slightly by the sound, you jumped to your feet, Dean sidling up besides you as soul after soul flew past, clearly being called back to the place they had come from.

The ground shook beneath your feet, which had Dean reaching out to grab your arm, afraid you might fall. In his other hand, the bomb gave off a bright purple glow, giving you the signal that you needed. With one quick twist of his wrist, Dean threw it forward, watching as it plummeted deeper into the earth.

The detonation had you and Dean stepping further backwards, eyes taking in the slowly shrinking gap. - and then it stopped. The noise, the shaking, everything.

“What the hell?” Dean spun on his heel, face contorted in confusion as he looked for a source to the sudden problem. Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong.

Leaning back against the headstone, Dean pulled out his phone, quickly calling his brother in hopes of an explanation. “Sam, What the hell happened?”

You could hear the muffled voice of Sam coming through the speaker, though you leaned in closer to listen better. “Are the ghosts gone?”

“Hell if we know. . . “ Dean shot back, turning to glance over his shoulder at the gaping hole. “But the crack is starting to close up- something doesn’t feel right.” He finished, giving you another look to make sure you were still there next to him. When Sam didn’t answer, Dean pulled the phone away from his ear, glaring at the screen to see that the call had ended.

“Wow- okay, that was rude.” You sighed, brushing dirt off of your hands in an attempt to distract yourself. Luckily, a certain angel reappeared across from you, taking all your attention.

“Dean. Y/N.” He sighed, his tone thickly laced with defeat. Ignoring everything else, you took quick strides to get to Cas, pulling him into a hug, grateful he had made it back in one piece. After a moment, you pulled away to look up at his face.

You didn’t think your face could fall even more, but it did upon the sight of the Angel. Cas looked equal parts defeated and angry. “ what’s wrong?” You quickly questioned.

Dean quickly ignored the fact that you had just asked question, instead stepping forward to ask his own. “Where is Belphegor?” His tone slightly stern as he moved even closer.

Cas took a breath, eyes darting down to you for a split second. “Dead. I killed him.”

“You did what?- what about the crook?” Deans voice growing more urgent by the second, that same fiery glint as before in his eyes as he bore into Cas.

Your own eyes flicking between the two in a still desperate attempt to understand why there was so much anger between them. Something had happened while you were gone, and it was nothing good.

“It was destroyed.” Cas breathed again, looking towards the ground in hopes of not having to look at Dean.

“What?!” This time the anger in Deans voice was much more clear, his eyes widening in shock. You opened your mouth to speak once more, but like so many times before, your words were drowned out. “Cas! What the hell?!” Dean burst, throwing his hands up in clear annoyance.

“Dean I-“ Cas paused, his own eyes focusing on something behind you, which only made you and Dean turn as well.

Walking towards the three of you was a sight you had yet to witness. Rowena was walking briskly through the cemetery with what was clearly a stab wound in her abdomen. Her arms stretched out as her torso gave off a vibrant light, similar to the bomb you had earlier. Sam walked closely behind her, clearly in pain.

You weren’t entirely sure what was happening, and it was clear that Cas and Dean had no clue either. You all watched with even more confusion as the red haired witch stepped to the edge of the slowly shrinking hole.

Rowena turned to look at the four of you, eyes bright with tears but a small smile resting on her painted lips. “Goodbye boys, Y/N” At the sound of your name, your eyes locked with hers. She gave you a knowing smile that only the two of you understood. You nodded, only then noticing the tears that had gathered.

She was telling you everything would be fine. That she believed you were strong enough to tell them the truth. You hoped she was right.

And then she fell.

Falling forward in a gentle arc, her body quickly disappearing from view as she plummeted down. There was a rumble a moment later, and you watched in somewhat surprise as the earth fully closed up, leaving you all standing in a tense silence, minds reeling at what had just happened.

You were hoping this time would be different. That this time nobody would get hurt, nobody would die. Everything would be okay in the end.

How very wrong you were.

*. *. *. *.

The ride to the bunker was a silent one. Nobody was brave enough to speak, so instead a stiff silence hung over you all. Dean was radiating anger, Sam was mourning, Cas just looked extremely defeated, and you? You were tired. Tired of losing people, tired of seeing the people you cared about in pain. Life was exhausting.

The only time Dean ever stopped was to get more gas for the impala, which also gave you the chance to quickly grab something to eat since you had been running on an empty stomach since the moment you were thrown back to earth.

The moment your feet hit the familiar tile floors of the bunker you allowed yourself to relax a little. You were back. You were home.

Sam split off towards his room almost immediately, clearly needing time to himself after what had happened. Cas wandered off to parts unknown. You and Dean took your time as you walked down the hallway towards your room, shoulders occasionally brushing against one another. When you reached the door, you paused not knowing what to expect on the other side.

Had they packed up all your things? Was it just as empty as the day you found it? Was there ever a trace of you being there at all?

Dean watched as you reached out a shaky hand, twisting the knob and slowly easing the door open. He reached over you, flipping the light switch to illuminate the room. You stood frozen in the doorway, surprised at the sight in front of you.

Everything was the same- down to the last speck of dust. All your books were still piled on your desk, you bed was still only partially made, and your few picture frames still held their places on the grey walls. Not a single thing had been touched.

“I thought- I thought you would have gotten rid of everything.” You breathed, taking a step into the room.

“Memories of you? Never. Why the hell would you think that?” Dean questioned, slightly in disbelief that you would ever even let that thought cross your mind.

You shrugged, running a hand across the back of your wooden chair. “I don’t know- I mean, you guys have no real need or use for my stuff. Why would you leave it lying about?” You stated, turning to look at him.

“It’s your stuff. I wasn’t gonna throw it out.”

Dean Winchester. Always surprising you. You shook your head, before walking back over to him and pulling him into a tight embrace. You felt his arms snake around your waist, returning the gesture. “Thank you Dee.”

“Of course.” He hummed, leaning back to press a kiss to your temple. “I need to go change. I’ll talk to you in a little.” He sighed, taking a backwards step out the door and turning on his heel.

The moment his back disappeared you shut the door and shrugged off your flannel and changed into a fresh set of clothes. You could probably use a shower as well, but you could do that in a little bit. Instead you set yourself to work, trying to tidy up your room even just a little.

You threw what little laundry you had into a bin, stripping the sheets from your bed as well. A few books needed to be put back in the library, so you gathered them in your arms and began your trek down the hallway.

Just as you were about to enter the war room, you stopped short, hearing a set of voices.

“I’m sorry about Rowena.”

You could immediately tell it was Cas- the other person could only be Dean. Sam was locked away in his room and those two were the only other people in the bunker. Pressing yourself against the wall, you tried to listen to the conversation. Eavesdropping. you had hit a new low.

“You’re sorry? Why didn’t you just stick to the damn plan?” Deans voice was mellow- and when it was mellow like that it could only mean he was really angry. He was pissed. There was a moment of silence before Cas responded.

“Belphegor was lying-“

“Belphegor was a demon!” There it was. His anger was bubbling up.

“He was using us! He was going to eat every last soul to take over hell!” Cas fired back, voice raising slightly.

“Yeah, and we would’ve figured it out!” Deans voice was getting louder each time he spoke, and it had you sliding down the wall as you leaned over more to listen.

“The plan changed Dean! Something went wrong- you know that. Something always goes wrong.”

“And why does that something always seem to be you?” As the words left Deans mouth, you felt tears burning at your eyes. Why was he acting this way? Why was he being so awful? This wasn’t the Dean you loved. This wasnt your lifelong best friend.

There was a long stretch of silence before you heard anymore words spoken, and a part of you wished it had stayed that way once you heard the next words said. “You used to trust me. Give me the benefit of the doubt. Now you can’t even look at me.” Cas said slowly. “My powers are failing, I’ve tried talking to you over and over, and you just don’t want to hear it. I’m dead to you.”

You could feel your heart breaking with ever word that left his lips. Cas didn’t deserve this.

“I guess there’s nothing else to say.” There was another brief moment of silence, you could hear a set of shoes begin to walk down the stairs of the library, clearly retreating.

“Where are you going?” Deans voice mellow once more.

“Jacks dead. Chuck is gone. You, Sam, and Y/N have each other. I think it’s time for me to move on.” You felt the breath leave your body as you clutched the books in your arms to your chest.

This wasn’t happening. It couldn’t be happening. Through the tears in your eyes you saw a flash of beige as Cas walked past, making his way up the bunker steps. A part of you wanted to run after him- hell, even just go with him. But you knew that the matter that needed to be attended to was Dean.

At the slam of the bunker door, you stepped into the war room, slowly walking into view. At the sense of movement Dean looked up. He was leaning against one of the library tables, clearly still fuming.

When his eyes found you he knew shit was about to hit the fan- more so than it already had. You had tears running down your face, which was an equal mix of pure anger and sadness.

You looked disappointed.

“Y/N how much did you hear-“ he started, going to rub his temple. Taking the step up to the library, you glared at him.

“You got a lot of nerve Dean Winchester. And I mean a lot.” You growled.

“Y/N don’t start-“ he began, but you shut him up, slamming your books down on the table full force. Taking quick strides, you rounded the table to get closer to him.

“Oh no-“ you laughed, shaking your head. Taking another step forward, you twisted your fingers into the collar of his shirt, yanking him down to your level. “You are going to shut your damn mouth, and you are going to listen me. Understand?” His adams apple bobbed as he slowly swallowed, staring into your eyes.

He had never seen you like this. Ever. “God, I could throttle you Dean Winchester! I could fucking throttle you!” You yelled, shoving him back. “You do this thing- where you let out all your anger and your grief on other people! You turn them into these emotional punching bags! And it’s not fair!”

“Y/N-“ he tried again, failing once more. You were fuming. There was no stopping you.

“Shut up Dean! Look at what you did!” You gestured towards the door Cas had just walked through in anger. “You made Cas leave! We are his only family, and you forced him to leave! You pushed him out!” You roared, jamming a finger into his chest. “He is alone Dean. He doesn’t have heaven, he doesn’t have Jack. He doesn’t have us. He is alone now, with no home. And it. Is. All. On. You.”

You took another step back, glaring daggers into the hunter. “Maybe- just maybe, you could get your head out of your ass and realize how awful you are being.” You stated quickly. Tears were freely rolling down your cheeks as you looked over at him. “Right now I can’t even look at you.” You held back your voice from cracking, watching as Dean took a step forward in a pathetic attempt to comfort you. You drew back, taking another step away from him. “Cas is our family.” you repeated, “Why are you being so hateful?’

There it was. He had finally done it. He had gone too far. He had just gotten you back and now you couldn't even stand him at the moment.  He had made Cas leave and now you were looking at him the same way. As he locked eyes with you, you could practically read his mind.

are you leaving us?

Are you leaving our home, our family?

Are you leaving me?

“I’m sorry Y/N.” He sighed, watching your back as you stopped mid retreat. You didn’t dare look back at him, at least not fully.

“Don’t apologize to me Dean, I'm not the one who needs it. The one you need to apologize to is Cas.” And with that, you left the room. You couldn't look at him. And yet, all he could do was watch your retreating figure.

Taglist: @awesome-badass-cafeteria-sauce​ @my-proof-is-you​ @iluvyewman-blog​ @a-crowd-of-newsies​ @a-dorky-book-keeper​ @heyyy-hey-babyyy​ @orphiceseum​ @greenarrowhead​ @thevelvetseries​ @carryon-doctor-lock​ @jxackles​ @ryansgirl5509​