#if I am making a decision that someone else will question then I leave rationale alongside the decision

[asmolbirb]

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[cheesecakeanon]

You totally didn’t ask for this detailed of an answer, but here I am offering you one anyway hahaha

For those of you who are in college or have graduated from college, how did you figure out what you wanted to major in?

I was fortunate enough to both be in a position to have some freedom in my major selection and to have parents who were pretty open about any/all ideas I had regarding college—the biggest expectation they had for me on that front was really just that I got a degree, and even then, I think if I had dropped out at some point, they would’ve been relatively on board with it provided I could give them a justifiable reason for doing so.

That said, I chose the programs I wanted to apply for based on things I could see myself doing for the rest of my life/for a decent portion of my life: HS History Education; Law/Political Science/Criminology; and Music Composition. The hard part came when I heard back from schools and had to choose which avenue to follow—majors in the performing arts usually require a boatload of credits, so if I wanted to double major in music + something else, there was a high likelihood it would take me more than four years to finish my degree. That wouldn’t have been a bad thing, but it was definitely a consideration that I felt I needed to keep in mind when trying to pick.

At the end of the day, I ended up choosing the second option among those three, my rationale being that it was the option that required the highest level of education to pursue, and that if I ever wanted to switch to either of the other options, it would be far easier to do so than it would be to suddenly up and decide to get a law degree. (Note: I now am working full time and going to law school in the evenings, and I may regret that decision, but we can talk about that can of worms later lol)

For those of you who are in college, or have graduated from college, and know what career they want to go into, how did you figure out what career you wanted to go into?

This answer sort of bleeds over from the last—I spent a lot of time in HS trying to figure out who I was and the legacy I wanted to leave in the communities that I’d been a part of. I’d always been overly involved in student organizations and extracurriculars, but my senior year, I really started trying to analyze the “what do you want to do?” question alongside the “what kind of legacy do you want to leave?” one, which is sort of how I ended up here.

When I was in middle school, I watched too much Criminal Minds and wanted to work for the BAU—I wanted to solve puzzles and catch the bad guys, if you will—so I did as much ‘research’ as a 12/13-year-old can claim to have done and announced to my parents that I’d be going to X school for Y programs and would then go work for that team by Z year. Somewhere in the preceding years to this ordeal, I’d been set on being a lawyer (at the time because ‘I liked arguing,’ which is a terrible reason to go to law school, kiddos, don’t do it) so the idea-based seed of practicing law had already been planted there.

When I was in high school, I found myself at this weird crossroad between learning about what lawyers can actually do to help people and change policy and in a completely different vein, wanting to create things that brought me and others joy. I’d given myself the freedom to write music and fiction (and fanfiction, let’s be honest) and discovered that I wasn’t half-bad at it, so when senior year came around, I wasn’t so sure I wanted to let go of the opportunity to keep doing so.

In my head, I’d basically told myself “it’s X career related to law or Y career related to music or Z career related to writing,” and I hadn’t let myself consider otherwise, but THEN!! Then I graduated college and was thrust into the working world—specifically, into a job that was definitely a good stepping stone to get from where I was to at least one of the potential career paths that I’d considered, but wasn’t creative at all—which was when I realized that none of those things needed to be distinct.

Obviously there’s something to be said here for time management and the fact that I’m on the younger end of adulthood—I don’t have the same responsibilities or obligations that someone with a mortgage or children would have—but in the middle of that first year of working, I came rather startlingly to the same conclusion I’d made when I was a senior in High School: I didn’t need a degree in music to make it. That sounds quick and pithy but the point was broader than that; if I wanted to eventually do something with the musical skills that I had, there were ways for me to keep honing them while I pursued the career path option(s) that absolutely, hands down, needed a professional degree. At some point in the future, when the law degree was there and I was actually qualified to do any/all of the things I mentioned earlier—that would be where the brilliant chaos of actually merging those things would kick in. In the meantime, I could write a novel, work full time during the day, go to law school at night, and release an album of original music all within a six month period of time (what can I say, July ‘20–Feb ‘21 was a wildly productive time for me) to see how that felt and if it could be sustainable.

Very long winded answers here, so…sorry about that, but the short version is the following: I thought I knew the career I wanted at 18 in a very binary, straight-laced sense, and it turns out I didn’t—or at least not entirely. I knew where I wanted to start, so I chose the majors that would qualify me for the career that was going to require the most educational/professional experience. Since graduating, I’ve been able to see that any/all of those careers can coexist, I just might have to create the career path on my own to make it happen.

I think this is exactly the kind of story I needed to hear. I think this story supports my plan really well. Thank you so much!

[whentherewerebicycles]

some thoughts that might seem unrelated but aren’t, i promise:

— in that atomic habits book I read a couple weeks back the author talks about using a specific, action-oriented question repeated throughout the day to help you build or break habits (like “what would a physically fit person do?” or “what would a sober person do?”).   

— the aging books i was reading last month noted that people who score high in conscientiousness (on the Big Five personality traits) tend to age most successfully ie enjoy the longest stretch of active years. to quote this article, conscientiousness is “a fundamental personality trait—one of the Big Five—that reflects the tendency to be responsible, organized, hard-working, goal-directed, and to adhere to norms and rules...Conscientiousness comprises self-control, industriousness, responsibility, and reliability. A conscientious person is good at self-regulation and impulse control. This trait influences whether you will set and keep long-range goals, deliberate over choices, behave cautiously or impulsively, and take obligations to others seriously.” I tend to score very high in openness but very, very low in conscientiousness. more on this in a bit...  

— my sister and i were talking recently about different kinds of intelligence, and also about core values. one of hers is efficiency, a word that i have all kinds of negative associations with lol but that she explained in ways i found really intriguing. for her efficiency isn’t about, like, Maximizing Productivity for Capitalism but is about methodically searching for the most effective, least confusing or redundant, most easily-communicable-to-others way to solve complex problems. when she encounters a system that has all kinds of weird bottlenecks or inefficient, time-consuming ways of completing a task (esp if the rationale for those methods is just “well.. that’s how we’ve always done it”), she starts immediately examining the larger structures and workflows around those bottlenecks to see if the established ways of doing things can be rerouted or simplified, and then she constructs new protocols or tools for people to use instead of the old inefficient way of working. efficiency will never be a core value of mine, in part because i think my humanities-oriented brain accords more value than her STEM/medicine-oriented brain does to wandering, daydreaming, slowed-down thinking, doubling-back or retracing one’s steps, and other “inefficient” modes of thinking that slow down the process but can lead you in unexpected directions or spark unanticipated epiphanies that illuminate the larger structures differently. i think we both share a keen interest in systems-level thinking and in examining whether established ways of doing things are the most effective ways of doing things, but we prioritize different modes of thinking and problem-solving in figuring out how to alter or redesign those larger systems (which is probably a result of temperament differences + our field-specific training).

THAT SAID, i have been thinking a lot about how one area of my own intelligence i would like to sharpen/hone in both my professional and personal life is like... a mode of intelligence that is linked to rigor, a more methodical approach to problem-solving, and the ability to construct & more methodically test detailed mental schemas. not quite sure how to articulate that but i feel like my thinking has gotten a little fuzzier than i want it to. and I think maybe this sensed fuzziness in thinking is linked to some of my ongoing feelings of restless discontent re: work. I also just in general want to be more conscientious in how I approach and solve problems, or in how I tackle big and small projects.

— this is more tangentially connected but: i feel like one thing i’ve noticed this year is that a lot of the people i admire professionally are really good at seeking out & taking on lots and lots of additional challenges or commitments, and they can do this in part because they tend to be very conscientious people, ie people who have big-picture vision but are also very detail-oriented and good at managing their time effectively & doing things efficiently so they can take on multiple projects without feeling overwhelmed. i feel like my own low-conscientiousness means that i can’t take full advantage of my high-openness—often i want to take on new projects or challenges but i worry that i’ll overextend myself or that the project will become more time-consuming than i anticipate. i think is linked to a different sort of fuzziness, ie a lack of clarity about how long things take or how much time i have — all combined with a deeply ingrained sense of myself as someone with executive dysfunction issues (poor time management, poor planning skills, poor organizational abilities, etc.). i think of myself as a very inefficient and extraordinarily disorganized person, whether this is 100% accurate or not, and that can sometimes lead to me taking myself out of the running for opportunities or limiting the number of projects i take on out of a fear that i won’t be disciplined enough to see them through.

— another thing my sister and i were talking about recently is how within large families, siblings tend to get assigned a “role” or a personality within the family dynamic very early on, and then they get sort of locked into that over time. everyone in the family expects them to always behave in that way, and there’s often a lot of unconscious resistance to letting your family members change or grow or develop in ways that contradict the clearly defined family role that’s been assigned to them, or the family “story” that everyone else in the family tells about them. you can get locked into both positive and negative roles—or like, often the positive role has a negative flipside. we were talking about how within our family, i’ve been “assigned” to be the “deep thinker” ie the introspective one who spends my life writing and thinking and daydreaming, whereas my sister has been assigned the role of being most like my father, ie very methodical, analytical, unemotional, and action-oriented (and therefore not introspective or inward-looking). and we were talking about how both of these have a negative flipside: my sister feels like she doesn’t get to be a “deep thinker,” or an introspective, emotionally intelligent person; whereas i feel like in my family’s story for me i am forever in “lalaland,” as my mom always says—head in the clouds, an ineffectual dreamer, the absentminded professor who has lots of big thoughts and feelings but is incapable of bringing any of my fantastical ideas to fruition because i have very little practical knowledge or stick-to-itiveness.  

— as i’ve said many times before, i feel like i can’t solve the big-picture issues with my job right now, since so many of them are linked to shitty pandemic realities. but i was thinking that maybe one way to begin laying the groundwork for this final year in my job might be to work on strengthening my conscientiousness at the micro-level, ie in small everyday habits and interactions. my hope is that maybe by practicing conscientiousness in lots of small, low-stakes situations, i can start strengthening those muscles and building trust in myself as “the kind of person who does ____” (which i feel like is necessary for me to begin challenging the family story i’ve internalized what i am like). i mean, there is a lot of truth to that family story! but i bet that those aspects of my personality are nowhere near as inflexible or as like, divinely preordained as i have often assumed they are. like, i bet that through practice & through building better habits i can actually become significantly more conscientiousness (reliable, responsible, hardworking, efficient, good at follow-through, self-disciplined, etc) than i am now. and while efficiency may never be as central a value for me as it is for my sister, i think there is probably a way for me to see efficiency and conscientiousness as linked to my own core values, if only because those qualities or traits will allow me to better enact/embody my core values. so i think i can see it not as working against the grain of my personality, but as working to build out less-developed parts of my personality to strengthen the parts of my character that i value most.

— anyway this is all to say that for the last week i’ve been asking myself aloud “what would a conscientious person do?” multiple times a day, really any time i find myself at a small crossroads where i have to make a small decision. do i pick up that piece of cardboard and put it in the recycling bin now or leave it till later? (what would a conscientious person do?) do i return that call from the plumber now or put it off until later? (what would a conscientious person do?) do i take two minutes to pay that $4 toll bill now or put it on the giant stack of “tasks i will definitely deal with when i’m in the mood to deal with them,” where it will inevitably become a $25 and then $50 bill because i forgot about it and now have to pay late fees? (what would a conscientious person do?) do i comment on that student’s draft now when i’d rather be on the couch scrolling through social media? (i could probably do it tomorrow, when i have another block of free time, but what would a conscientious person do?) i have no idea if it will work in the long term!! but it’s been an intriguing experiment so far, mostly because i think it is teaching me that many of the tasks i build up in my head as incredibly time-consuming are actually quite quick, and once you finish them you also free up all the mental energy you were putting into procrastinating on them, and are better able to move onto the next thing. i also feel like it is teaching me that uhh maybe a conscientious person is not like, a completely different species of human being, but just a person who has different habits or patterns of response to daily choices than i do. that feels important too: if we are what we repeatedly or habitually do, then changing what i habitually do can probably change the kind of person i am!   i’m finding that there’s something very useful about the simplicity of the question, too. deliberately posing the question to myself interrupts my habitual, unconscious response (which is always some version of “i don’t have the energy to deal with that / don’t want to expend that energy right now -- i’ll put it off till later”) -- it requires me to stop and focus my attention on the present situation instead of sliding right past it without thinking about it. and there’s also something quite satisfying about framing it as a choice or a decision: i get to choose what to do, ie i get to exercise agency, and exercising agency makes your brain feel happy (we like to feel in control! we like making choices!). so throughout the day i get to experience lots of little bursts of whatever gets released in the brain when you make a decision and immediately follow through with it, and i think/hope that this kind of positive reinforcement is helping to strengthen those circuits and lay down the groundwork for new patterns of habitual response. 

those are some thoughts this morning!! now i am going to allow myself a few minutes of sloth lol and then i’ll get up and exercise.

[shhhlikeme]

“Losty Aone” / “Losty Mountain Man🏔” Series: 

Outtake Collection #16:

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A/N: hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii babies!!!!!!!!!! Let’s fucking goooooooooooooo! I’m excited for y’all to read this juicy marathon. As of right now, I am unsure of how many collections it will be but it’s going to be one of the longest marathons ii. Check back every 20 minutes or so if you caught this immediately. Oh and I will be trying again to put my post under a read more but if it fucks up an deletes half the chapter again I am DONE and I TRIED okay??? xo

***ALSO I did not add my taglist to the last marathon so you guys might have missed collections 13-15!!!!***

TABLE OF CONTENTS

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Your Losty Heartbreak and Your Spy Kids Debut 😎🖊📚

Sigh. The curse of being a young adult, I tell ya. 

You are annoyed. 

Yes, two months after the breakup you are still completely heartbroken, even though, yes, it was your genius idea to break up with the love of your life: a man that girls only dream about having as a S/O….

but it was a selfless decision.

Aone Takanobu deserved more, better… than you. That was your rationale.

It’s not fair of you to just accept the perfect man because he was lost enough to lock onto you and not someone on his level. 

While it was a selfless decision , it was still a decision you selfishly regretted because …you were so in love with that man at the time that you did it….

You are….

But you will stifle those emotions so that he can get over you and hopefully see his own worth. 

But that didn’t mean you couldn’t be annoyed. Because you were. And at what, exactly? Well:

After dating and breaking up with him, Aone had females constantly approaching him. A/N: Not constantly but it felt that way for you ofc lol

You guess it’s nice that the females of Date Teko gave him the courtesy of one month to get over you but STILL!

Kusa and Katana said that Takanobu’s admirers shot up because everyone witnessed how he treated you, how amazing he was to you, and they fell for that along with his looks.

Your ex’s new admirers are hoping they can get a man that just as inwardly beautiful as he is outwardly and hopefully he will like them, too

In other words: They want what you had. 

And what did you want? 

Well:

You wanted to rip some hair out. Yours or theirs? You’ll leave that up to subjective interpretation. 

EVERY TIME you walked past your ex—that you still love—’s locker there was some brat or another staring up at him in admiration like he was Mount fucking Everest. 

You wanted to scream. 

but isn’t this what you wanted, Y/N? Your Mountain man to find someone else? Your conscience would ask. 

Shut the hell up, conscience. You’d bark back. 

You heard from Katana who was keeping tags on his every admirer that he denied them all dates (which defeats the purpose of your break-up, but you smiled nonetheless) but that Aone did agree to host a study session with a group of girls that apparently begged/needed his help in all subjects before finals. 

give me a fucking break, you and your conscious agreed.

“Ugh. He’s too kind for his own good. Can’t he see those girls just want an excuse to be near him?!?!” You raged about the study session as you peered closely through the passenger side window to make sure that Kusa got inside her house safely. It was 6pm, and you had just heard the news while on the way home from dinner at your favourite restaurant. Katana drove. From her doorstep, Kusa waved at you before closing her door.  

This Saturday, your best friends forced you on your first outing since the breakup, dressing you and even doing your makeup despite your complaining about leaving the house. You had to admit that the food that you did order at the restaurant was decent enough, but really—you would much prefer to still be in bed, flipping through pictures of Aone and Perdu and having a good cry.

Katana rolled her eyes as she stopped at a red light, responding to your initial question. “Ugh. Yeah, they are smarter than we thought. But you’re okay with this, right? I mean this is what you said you  wanted when you broke up with him. You said you want him to find a new girl,”” Katana fished for your true feelings, sounding a lot like your annoying conscience. 

You sulked, picturing other females near the man you are in love with. It made you sick. But, instead, you said, “Of course I am Okay with it. I want him to be the happiest he can be.”

Katana fixed her eyes on the road and bit her tongue so that she wouldn’t laugh. 

You had no idea why you weren’t being fully honest with your friends, but perhaps it made you believe it more the more you said it aloud. “I know Kusa had that assignment to do tonight… and you have that one with Kenji tomorrow, right? so do you want to come over? My mom got me another tub of cookie dough ice cream, and we can rewatch Bad Girls Club again.” You asked Katana in that voice that meant you didn’t want to be alone tonight.

Katana smirked. It was an evil smirk. “I’ll do you one better.”

“Uhhh… Katana….you missed my turn.” Your eyes widened when the cheer captain passed your street, and then passed her own street a few seconds later. “Katana!”

“Word on the cheer team is that Aone-san’s first study session ends in 20 at the local library. I wanna check it out.”

“What?! No you will not—!” You yelled, but you couldn’t help the surge of excitement that flew through your body thinking about seeing that man again. It was always like this.

“—Oh, lighten up— it’s not like I will be joining the damn study session.”

“You won’t?” You asked, surprised.

“Obviously not! Muri is studying something else there, so I need to give her back her notes anyway. It’s only a plus that I’ll get to see how desperate those girls are being with my besties ex. Incognito, kay? I was going to drop you off first and go, but it looks like you don’t wanna be alone. Right?” 

Your pretty best friend waited a few seconds for a response, and when she didn’t get one, she nodded. “Exactly.” She turned into the school’s practically empty parking lot, finding her favourite spot. “So, you can stay in the car. No prob. And I won’t tell you anything about it.” 

You frowned, watching as Katana reached in the backseat for her purse so that she could take out the notes she had for Muri.

“Okay,” you whispered anxiously.  

“I’ll be like, 10 minutes.” The brunette removed her keys from the ignition and stepped outside of her car.

You stayed where you were as Katana’s figure disappeared into the one of the Date Teko’s many entrances. You began to think about what your friend was going to see in there: Aone leaning over the shoulder of pretty Date Teko girls? Helping them with their homework the way he would help you? These girls smelling his fresh icy mountain scent, and leaning in closer, the way you would to him?

Naturally, you began to panic internally.

You pictured the girls twirling their hair flirtatiously and telling him that they didn’t understand when they did, just to keep him hovering over them longer. The same way you used to. 

😤😤😤

Your foot started tapping on its own inside Katana’s car, thinking about how your lost ex-boyfriend wouldn’t even pick up any of it as flirting, ugh. 

Your imagination created even more concerning visuals: more giggling, more oblivious Aone, more shoulder brushing, more oblivious Aone, and then some more….. yeah. Should it really have come as no surprise that you soon found yourself hidden behind a dusty bookshelf in the anatomy section of your school’s library on a Saturday, squatted down and peeping through the slits between books to catch glimpses of your ex boyfriend hosting a study session?!

You blamed your active imagination. 

Behind the dusty shelves, you whimpered because the obstructed vision due to the books covered the white haired beauty perfectly. You held a disgusting book to the right a bit.

“Oh,” your stomach flipped. “He looks so cute.” You put on a 🥺 face when you noticed how utterly adorable a standing Takanobu looked decked out in forest green sweatpants and a matching hoodie with the hood on, and his white hair barely visible. 

Your stomach flips were quickly bumped away by sheer annoyance as you saw him then do exactly what brought you up here, just as you thought: innocently leaning down to help a blonde third-year girl you knew by the name of Sutairu Elyts with a question she was asking. She was smiling way too much for someone doing boring ass school work on Saturday, you noted. Flipping her hair, giggling, and obnoxiously putting her cleavage in Aone’s line of sight. You picked up the dusty library book that was obstructing your view and stopped yourself from tossing it at Sutairu— instead choosing to toss it to the side without a care in the world, trying to get a closer look at how close the girl was going to get while Aone answered her question. 

You were close to literally poking your head through the bookshelf hole completely, when someone to the left of your hiding spot cleared their throat very loudly. You jumped, bumping your head and hissing in pain. 

You removed your head from the bookshelf and looked up at the cause of your newfound migraine.

There stood Katana, her arms crossed and a knowing smile on her face. “You got here faster than I thought,” She reached down to help you up. “Now, come on. None of this amateur shit. You know my style. When it comes to cute boys: make it obvious, and make it count.”

***

Aone was in the middle of teaching Algebra to a group of students (he doesn’t register the fact that they are all conveniently female and all too well dressed for a study session) who had desperately begged him for his help, to the point where the teacher just asked Aone to do it. 

He didn’t mind, the teacher offered him extra credit and everyone he was teaching was nice, they didn’t mind him being pretty silent, plus Kenji fully supported it. So why not? Aone mainly supported it because it was a great distraction from his broken heart and his plan…. 

Or so he thought it would be—before he spotted you in the library.

His heart skipped a beat because he absolutely was not expecting to see you today. His plan wasnt supposed to be put into action until Monday! Trying not to freak out, Aone watched you enter from a side that wasnt the entry way—which is pretty odd—but he shoved the thought to the side anyway because there you were, looking busy.

“Wow.” Takanobu couldn’t stop himself from mouthing when his eyes found you. He mouthed it to himself, of course, but it caused the observant participants in his study group to whip around to see what he was looking at. 

you were dressed pretty casually, coming from dinner with the girls, but Aone hadn’t seen you dressed in anything other than your school or cheer uniforms since your breakup, so it took him by surprise

Not to mention you looked really, really, really good:

Aone watched you scan the bookshelves with Katana—which, if Takanobu was thinking straight— he would realistically call bs on you ever coming to the library for no reason, ESPECIALLY on a Saturday— but you looked too gorgeous to him to care 

Now that he is working alongside you in a project, he has been able to crawl out of depression a bit, simply because your mere presence made him feel whole again, so he basked in the delight he felt any time he was able to see you.

Aone realized that even though he struck out the first time and failed to make you want to be with him, he had nothing to lose if he tried again. 

The premise of Aone’s plan presides on the idea that you are the only girl he wants. Therefore, he just has to prove that to you. Silently. Strategically. 

So that’s the only reason why Aone was able to to shift his focus right now and look away from you, effectively returning to helping his study group and making them forget you even walked in. 

Aone’s mission is to become the man that you want and need, naturally. He will exude more confidence: which is a testament to the fact that he was here right now: tutoring a bunch of girls who have asked him out and he has rejected before because of you,

He wants word to get back to you that your ex is the type of guy who knows how to be just friends with people who had feelings for him. Just in case you wanted to start there with him.

He wants to be your friend. Aone wants to be anything to you but a stranger. It’s the only way his heart stops aching and if that’s all you can give him is a friendship after this project is over, then that is what he would willingly accept!  

Aone forced himself to look back down, getting up to step around the circular table to help with the other girls’ study guides. 

He was able to keep his cool for the most part, but almost lost it twice... 

Once when you dropped a book and bent down to pick it up, showcasing how amazing your butt looked in those jeans. 

Aone cleared his throat to get his own attention back and turned away quickly when he felt a familiar stir under his sweatpants. He stuffed his hands deep in his sweatpants pockets and directed his energy back to the paper in front of him. He erased an answer for one of his students and plugged in the correct one.

The second time Takanobu almost lost his cool was when he heard you make a cute noise and his eyes flicked back up to you. You were trying to reach a book that was too high for you but probably met the height of his ear, your hand above your head, your bodyweight on your toes which gravitationally rose your top up as well, exposing the naked skin on your lower back. 

Aone’s throat went dry and he bit back a groan because the last time he’d stared at that lower back of yours so intensely: you were in a perfect arch, naked, using his dick to pleasure yourself when he told he was on the phone. 

Cue hands in pockets again.

He recalled how that section of your back had a light layer of sweat on it back then, making it glisten as he bit his lip, trying not to moan to the feeling of your tight and juicy walls running up and down his length. Holy, shit, that feel good. 

Aone began thinking about helping you get that book and then fucking you against that bookshelf you were leaning on: holding you up in his arm, the other hand used to place it behind your head as a cushion so that you did not harm yourself when he sheathed his big dick inside your absolutely perfect box, so hot and so delicious, and soo hard not to cum inside within the first minute…..

👁👅👁 Aone’s eyes glazed over to the point where one of his tutor-ies had to snap their fingers in front of his face. 

Highly embarrassed, Takanobu pulled it together ASAP, muttering a quick and sincere apology and thinking only of his plan. Trusting in his plan, he refused to look up in your general direction again. He didn’t trust himself to. 

***

“He barely looked my way….” You sobbed into your cookie dough ice cream later that night, Katana rubbing your back and removing your hair out the tub. 

“Please, Y/N,” Katana begged, absolutely gutted seeing her best friend like this. “Please be honest with yourself and make sure you truly stand by the decision you made.”

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A New Aone and a Perfect Plan? ✅🤩

Mountain Man put absolutely all of his energy into his plan to get you back. His understanding is that you broke up with him because he wasn’t good enough for you, so that means he would just have to make himself good enough for you. While Kenji was completely against Aone trying to get back the girl who broke his heart, Kenji found himself agreeing with the plan since it meant that his best friend would be speaking, playing volleyball, and overall living life again while it was in action. The plan was to essentially fake it till you make it—show you that Takanobu could be the man you deserved. 

The gist of the plan was for Aone to disallow himself to be zombie-like anymore, because you probably didn’t like that. He started spending more time with his friends again, and he was eating again. He was banking on this plan, and if it didn’t work—sure, he’d be crushed for the rest of his life—but at least he’d have no regrets. It wouldn’t be easy, he’d have to speak back to other females kindly letting them down when all he wanted to do was speak to you. He’d have to ignore you when you walked by which meant going against his every instinct, and he’d have to speak to you confidently in class when you two were working on the project and small talk about your lives, when all he wanted to do was lean in and kiss you until he could taste you even when he pulled away. 

Thoughts of you consumed him, still, but they were now hopeful thoughts. He was not going to let his dream girl walk away that easily. 

A/N: GO BABY GOOOOO

You, on the other hand, took this new and confident Aone as a sign that he was getting over you. He didn’t seem very sad anymore, you didn’t see that same dejected and lost eyes you saw when he pushed his best friend away from you. You saw intensity there, like he was now focused on a new task in his life. It confused you, and it hurt like a bitch, because deep down you knew he’d move on soon and you wouldn’t. 

But this is what you wanted, right? 🙄🙄Repeated your conscience, again. You really wanted to fight her. 

“Y/N, you seem out of it today.” Mountain Man stopped writing the outline of the content analysis in class to stare down at you. You could see the concern in his eyes, but you refused to believe it was anything more than the concern anyone would feel for an ex turned friend, and nothing more. 

Embarrassed, you realized that you must have zoned-out, and now this gorgeous man that you wanted to jump was calling you out on your odd behaviour. “W-was I?’ You shook your head then looked down in your lap. “Sorry.” 

Aone placed his pencil down, heart pounding because he wanted that frown of yours to disappear so badly. “Is it about your University Cheerleading tryouts?” He asked kindly, too kindly—if you had any hope of getting over him in the next 5 years. 

You looked up at him, confused as to why he’d even mention that. 

The white haired beauty blushed. “Kogane—he, uh, well…” Aone took a second to look away and collect his thoughts because your big beautiful eyes were making him lose his train of thought. He reminded himself of his plan and collected himself, returning to your gaze. “Kogane-san mentioned to Kenji and I this morning that Kusa needed someone to film her audition tape, because that is the only way cheerleaders are able to send in your tryouts for schools that are too far away, correct?”

“Oh,” You nodded. “Ya—“

Aone continued without missing a beat. “I know Kogane is helping film Kusa’s, and you mentioned yesterday that Katana is out of town for a camp… so, and feel free to say no: but I’d love to offer you my help, Y/N. With filming and editing.” 

There was a pause in which you just looked at Aone with those big beautiful eyes that he thinks about 24/7. 

Afraid that he might be coming onto way too strong, which goes against his super slow plan, Takanobu adds: “As friends. Offer you my help as friend.” 

Your heart sunk, but he looked so sweet asking, not to mention you really did need to get on that tryout instead of pushing it off until you miss it completely and don’t end up going to University—

If you didn’t get a cheer scholarship you were screwed; Aone knew this. Not to mention you would love to see him more; Aone did not know this.

“I’ve taken photography as my elective for the past three years and do pretty well in that class in terms of grades, so I just thought…” Mountain Man was scared shitless, nervously listing off his accomplishments like this was an interview…. mostly due to the fact that you hadn’t answered him yet. Too fast, she can tell you want her back—now she’ll never give you another chance. Failure. Aone opened his mouth to retract his offer, but you interrupted him before he could get the first word out. 

“Um, yes. Sure. I’d love your help, Aone-san. I promise it won’t take long. Thank you so much.” 

Aone nodded even though he was bursting at the seams inside. Mountain Man couldn’t believe it. After  being broken up with because your feelings weren’t there, you agreed to spend non-school related time with him?! The middle blocker couldn’t help but think that you wouldn’t have said yes, had he still been acting like a zombie. Actually, he wouldn’t even have dared asked, if he was still acting like a zombie. Now he gets to help you and see you more than he has since the breakup, and he considers this like a gift! Yes!

“Great. Just tell me where and when you would like to have your audition, and I will be there.” A very cool reply.

You even rewarded him even more with a smile. “How about next Tuesday? Here on the field since it’s getting warm out again? I need to rehearse a lot and that gives me enough time.”

“Understood.” A cool second later, Takanobu had to excuse himself to the washroom so that he could celebrate in silence. He texted his friends and took a deep breath.

Selfishly, Aone also wanted to help you with this particular audition because he wanted you to go to the same University as he and Kenji. He wanted to help you with your future assignments and he wanted to see you everyday. How great would that be? A little torturous, too. But if you were on a cheer team and happy, then: mostly great. 

Baby steps, Mountain Man sighed contentedly. He would get you back in baby steps, and this was the first one. 

He just had to keep following the plan.

———————————

Taglist: @galagcica @chaichai-the-weeb @nairobiisqueen @bisasterrr @juminly @simply-not-the-same @marvelousbakugou @qyuanon 💛

Outtake #17: CLICK HERE!

[aesop1]

clumsy [6]

pirate!chanyeol x reader

a/n: i am back, and i am better. i was pretty sad over the past few months, so i’m sorry for my inactivity. but i’m back! this is the second to last part to clumsy, so i hope you all enjoy this chapter, and i will get back to you all with the finale in due time!

word count: 6.4 k

warnings: i’m pretty sure there’s cursing in here.

(i do not own the gif)

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

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trudging over to the beach was a feat in itself for you, to be entirely honest. from the reluctance stemming from having to meet your lying mother, to the ever comforting warmth which radiated off of chanyeol as he laid in bed beside you, the memories of last night still fresh in your mind as you awoke. 

____________________________

"I..." you breathed out, eyes darting rapidly around chanyeol's face. you wanted to pinch yourself, yet you found that you were frozen in place, mouth opening and closing like that of a fish. it just seemed so... unreal. you didn't even know the man before you, yet here he is confessing to you. you didn't even know him, yet here you are equally as smitten. "I cannot, I cannot." you turned around, pacing away from him with your hands buried in your salty hair. you heard him following after you silently, letting you continue your spiel. "this cannot be real. I get kidnapped by pirates, my mother is suddenly not dead, I am supposedly a deity of sorts, and now a handsome pirate is here confessing to me. this isn't normal, none of this is normal."

"I know you're panicking," chanyeol tried reasoning, keeping his distance from you. "and I know none of this is normal. I am so sorry we brought you in this mess, and you shall never truly grasp the sorrow I hold for you." it was silent for a moment as you considered his words, eyes watering as he spilled his emotions towards you. "but I have never grown so accustomed to someone in the span of my miserable life. I cannot just let you go so easily." at this point, his voice was growing more unstable, the slightest quiver reaching your ears at the end of his proclamation. "surely, there must be something more to us. the love I hold for you, it cannot be explained within the English language, nor the meer human mindset, I..." he paused, drawing closer to you hesitantly. you didn't retract, however, and he took this as a positive sign. "I love you, (y/n)."

those words seemed to be your breaking point. all rationale finally coming to an accordance. why bother running away when you are just as in love with him as he is with you? it makes no sense for you to compare this unworldly love to that of a regular person's love. and so with this decision planted in your mind, you ran into his arms, tears of joy wracking through your body as he held you to him.

"I love you, chanyeol," you whispered into his sleeve, feeling his muscles stiffen beneath you. he pulled away, cupping your cheek with one hand and surveying your face.

"are you speaking the truth?" he asked, a smile already blossoming on his own. with a nod, you reciprocated his expression, standing on your toes and kissing him. this kiss, like the one prior, left you breathless and weak, yet a new wave of comfort washed upon you as you now took note of the underlying passion within the kiss. your fingers gently dug into the back of his neck, grounding yourself to the moment as he poured his heart out to you, holding you closer to him in desperation. 

______________________________

the confession had lead to him dragging you back to his quarters, refusing to let you sleep in the same bed as your former roommates who had let you run free under their watch.

and now here you stand, shoes sinking into the fine sands beneath as the ocean greeted you in loud, raucous crashes. it was perhaps a five minute stroll in these beaches where you stumbled across your mother gazing out into the seas. just the sight of her alone left a bitter taste rolling across your taste buds, a fairly apparent grimace displayed at her bright smile. 

"good evening, (y/n)," she greeted you, tone ever optimistic. you grumbled in response, the early morning sun reminding you that you could very well be sleeping beside your new beloved.

oh, how daftly foreign the concept seemed to you, having never courted anyone before on your small island and now share your heart with a once feared pirate who accidentally abducted you; it seemed straight from a fanciful romance novel of sorts. 

"so, before we begin this... training session," she began, hesitating on what exactly this meet up was to you for a moment. "do you have any questions for me? perhaps any powers you may wield secretly and don't know yet?" oh, the questions you had for her. 

"why did you leave us?" you asked, arms crossing over your chest in a defensive stance. she didn't seem taken aback by your question, and proceeded to answer.

"I had to leave you both." she began, smile fading as she thought back to the dreadful day she was forced to part from her daughter. "that's what us ancestors must do. if we stray too far from our duties, chaos may reign upon the earth and her inhabitants." you were too afraid to ask her to elaborate on that part, and luckily she moved on from it. "as Libra shines above in the night, representing the scale, we stand as a balance for Earth." 

you stood for a moment, considering her words. you didn't really have the jurisdiction to call her claim invalid, as you're new to this whole case, so you accepted her words for the time being. 

"why didn't you tell me?" your voice was much softer than before, foot digging into the sands nervously. she paused for a moment, scanning your face before taking a look at your whole being, as if you were about to disappear on her and she wouldn't see you for another decade or so.

"you were so young," she started, a fresh sheen of tears coating her eyes. "you were just barely in school, and you were already the outcast of the island. I didn't want to set you up for further alienation if you were to find out I'm a goddess. believe it or not, many people do not believe in us ancient souls."

"I hadn't even heard of your kind until yesterday." a breathy laugh left your lips, disbelief riddled your expression. "how do I even know this is genuine and not some elaborate ruse to validate your absence in my life?" 

a melancholic smile replaced her prior joyous one, her patience ever so apparent with your relentless sass. she extended a hand, expectantly awaiting your touch. bitterly, you reached out as well, your desperation for answers much stronger than your discontent for this whole ordeal. her hands were course, a sign of the many years spent toiling on the waters. it faintly reminded you of chanyeol's gentle touch, the gentle scratch of his thumb gliding across your cheeks as he believed you were asleep. oh how the meer thought of him had you calmed down as your mother brought you to the waters. 

"take off your shoes." she instructed, doing so as well and kicking them away from the waters. begrudgingly, you followed her lead. she took a step forward, the water encasing her feet as if welcoming her home; the home she truly belonged to. she never belonged to you nor your dear father. she was just a a pawn of mother nature. hesitantly, you followed along once more and entered the waters. it felt nothing like last night where it seemingly called to you, and you were beginning to believe you had imagined that beckon.

"clear your mind." she pressed, shutting her eyes and breathing in. "the ocean is free and reckless. your mind should reflect that. there should be no obstructions like stresses or worries."

it was definitely easier said than done, especially in your case in which you only ever thought about where life has taken you. the ups and downs, the twists and turns. too much has happened for a cluttered mind like yours to clear away. you attempted nonetheless, closing your eyes and rolling back your shoulders. 

you thought about the first thing that had been bothering your troubled soul: the death of your father. the man who raised you when your mother left, devoting his life to creating the person you are now. you recalled the many nights where he would ask about your day and check your well-being even though he would have a horribly tasking day at the tavern. although he grew older and therefore weaker, he still insisted on carrying the heavy loads as to not hurt you in anyway. he protected you from the dangers of the world until his last breath. until his life was unfairly taken away from him by the pirates who have you now.

your heart tightened, allowing you to fully grieve your father's death. you don't know who killed him, but you do know that rather than seeking vengeance and showing spite to any potential killer, you should be remembering your father for who he was. nothing can be changed, but you can continue living your life the way he would've wanted and still keep him close to your heart.

what a thought. you've been so plagued by the loss around you, you hadn't even taken a moment to grieve and accept everything that's been revoked from you. you just kept moving forward, you hadn't even paused to take a breath. you were filled with anger and confusion, you didn't know how to cope with such an ordeal. you pointed fingers, isolated yourself, held grudges. you were tired. you were exhausted. you were ready to let it all go, and move on. 

you thought about the pirates who took you in. as barbaric as they were, they've accepted you when no one else would. they've become more familiar to you than anyone on that dreaded island ever was. kyungsoo became your closest friend; sehun not only saved you various times, but also entrusted you with his fears; yixing took care of you when you injured yourself; minseok and junmyeon shared their time and stories with you. jongin and jongdae hadn't spared many moments with you, but you saw how they were. they were all humans. corrupt, filthy, ruthless pirates, but they were humans with flaws and passions. they didn't walk about with a chip on their shoulders believing they were mightier than you, because they knew they were flawed and had their own sins to deal with. they all adapted to you so quickly, but perhaps not as quickly as chanyeol. 

chanyeol.

at first, so aggressive and hostile; the embodiment of your childhood fears. he yelled at you, picked at your insecurities and your weaknesses. you had hated him, loathed him, vowed to yourself you would escape from his clutches someway, somehow. and yet, here you are. willingly staying by his side. 

you could've run by now, snagged a fisherman's boat and rowed away with nothing but your will and determination. you'd leave it all behind, start anew on a deserted island. no remorse, no fear. no ties to the past, no promises for the future. you'd be free, and leave all of this behind you. all of these pirates, these surfacing secrets. 

no potential mother. no new comrades. no chanyeol. 

you'd be leaving chanyeol behind. his commanding presence, his need to be leader, his ruthless demands. you'd also be leaving behind his careful touches, his admiring gaze, his heart fluttering kisses. you'd be leaving behind love. your love for him and his love for you. you couldn't abandon that. that's why you're here, drenched in water before even the birds have awoken–

wait. drenched?

opening your eyes, you found yourself in the depths of the sea, water resting peacefully at your shoulders and licking at your neck. turning around, you found your mother waving happily at the shore. she gave you a thumbs up, a proud expression gracing her features. you began swimming back to the shore, bewildered at your surroundings and demanding even more answers for even more questions you've accumulated. 

"that was incredible!" she shouted to you when you were within range. 

"what the hell was that, exactly?" you trudged over to her, tossing your arms downward in an attempt to expel some water from your clothing. 

"did you not feel it?" she began, clutching your shoulders enthusiastically. "the water accepted you, she missed you." you gaped at her, beginning to shiver from the cool morning breeze hitting your now soaked form.

"you're telling me that the water dragged me in?" she nodded, smile not wearying in the slightest. "i could've potentially drowned, is what you're saying."

"no, because as long as you have this," her hand slid from your shoulder to your neck, tapping on a certain spot that you now recall held the shell tattoo which started this all, "you will always be one with the ocean." you stared incredulously at her, still wet and still filled with questions, but now also filled with irritation. you were scared, you were confused, and she wasn't clearing up anything. "whatever you were thinking of opened you up. you were finally free, reflecting the strength of the waters." you pursed your lips, thoughts of chanyeol still lingering in your mind. "you need to keep whatever you were thinking about in your mind, because that's your key to your powers."

"well, what's your key then?" you snapped, trying to divert your thoughts away from the man in your head and to the present. 

"i didn't have a key for a long while." she explained quietly, brushing back your hair. "until I had you. suddenly, the call to the ocean was louder than it ever was. I was stronger than I ever was, and now I feel most powerful when thinking of you." your eyes softened, shoulders going slack at her words. "I'm so proud to have had you. I'm even more proud to see you growing to be such a strong woman. overcoming obstacle after obstacle. I want you to discover what's in you. i want you to grow even more. i want the best for you." she lingered for a moment longer, taking in your features one last time before pulling away. "i have to go soon." 

you paused, blinking away your shock to stare at her. she had a solemn expression, head tilted and eyebrows frowned.

"excuse me?"

"i won't be gone for long. i have to clear out something. i don't want it to haunt me for longer than it needs to, but while I am gone," she stared out to the ocean, eyes wavering the slightest bit, "stay safe. i fear there's something out there. someone who wants to do you harm. do others harm."

"what is that even supposed to mean?" 

"I'm not sure exactly. the ocean wants you to steer clear of this danger, though." 

she turned back to you, holding out her arms before dropping them down towards the ground. with that one forceful motion, the water which lingered on your body followed her movement and joined with the water at your feet. acknowledging your now dry clothes, she bid you one final farewell.

"i must go now. I'll return soon. if you don't stay here, I'll find you. don't worry, darling." one last lingering gaze was directed to you, and with that she turned away, wading into the waters. dunking her head into the waves, she disappeared from your sight, no trace beside her touches on your neck which still held her warmth. 

____________________________

you wandered back into your room, more dejected and confused than you'd been before. what possible threat could you have to face if you're here? this is literally a safe haven for your kind.

you still don't know what you are. sure, you're your mother's daughter. sure, you're basically a demigod. sure you nearly drowned half an hour ago because the water apparently wanted you. add everything up, and what do you get? confusion. 

and for your mother to just leave like that? you were beginning to despise her more than you had before, as well.  what a rude woman. abandoning her daughter after just stating she has danger coming her way. 

"what danger?" you muttered to yourself, crossing your arms and peering out the window to the shore. it was more busy now, a few folks wandering around for a morning stroll. you wonder if anyone had seen your spectacle, but you don't recall anyone being there. "the danger must really be out there somewhere." the water had spoken to her, your mother had explained. how can the water tell what's about to come your way? does it come with the blood connection to the ocean? the water just surveys it's surface area in search of any threats towards your mom and her kin? does she have more kids? no, she can't. she herself had said you were her only strength. as much as you didn't like her at the moment, she was still your mom. she wouldn't chest on your father like that, even though they separated as such. what would've been so bad about visiting sometimes? instead, she faked her death. 

a knock at your door startled you into reality, a sharp gasp leaving your lips as you whirled around and stared at the door. danger? could it be the danger your mother warned you of? so soon? you had no way of fighting it, you didn't know how to fight. you didn't have chanyeol with you either. you could always just dive out of the window and run, but there's no telling whether the person outside can catch up to you. nonetheless, it'll give you a head start and you can–

"(y/n)?" a deep voice rumbled from outside, settling your thoughts in an instant with a relieved huff as you made your way over to the door, opening it to reveal chanyeol. although on shore, he still adorned an overcoat and had his sword tucked neatly away along his hip. he still looked incredibly intimidating in your eyes, yet you couldn't help your wandering hands which twitched to touch his curly hair. "are you alright? i checked the beach a while ago and saw no trace of you or your mother." how could someone as ruthless as him be such a sweetheart to you? he really meant it when he said he had fallen for you so unreasonably quick, and the same goes for you. 

"I'm okay." you whispered out, leaning against the wooden door and peering up at your lover. lover? could you even say that? you've both established your reciprocating feeling, yet it seems strange to call him that. "my mother is gone. she left me once more."

"I'm sorry to hear that, dear." you bit back a grin at the term of endearment, sounding perfect from his lips as cheesy as it had sounded. "may I step in?" 

"it's your room, captain," you giggled back, stepping inside and sitting at the edge of the bed. 

"why is it that you call me captain now that I don't want you to?" he grumbled, sitting beside you with an oversized pout.

"what would you prefer i call you?" you turned so you could face him, admiring his glum side profile. 

"chanyeol, at least," he insisted, "or whatever your heart desires." he turned with a nervous expression to you, causing you to smile more and more along with his request. "but how did the meeting go?"

"i nearly drowned because apparently the water yearns for me." you laughed some more at chanyeol's bewildered face, eyes nearly bulging out beneath his curly fringe. "don't worry, apparently I can't drown. the water doesn't want me dead." he calmed down the slightest bit, a soft sigh exhaled from him causing his shoulders to slump downward. "speaking of which, I'm in danger."

"pardon?" he narrowed his eyes at you, trying to discern whether you were kidding or not. sadly, you were not. 

"the water has spoken, it says there's a danger out there that means to do me harm. my mother responded with leaving me abandoned on the beach."

"as furious as I want to be right now," he started, jaw clenched as he stared forward at nothing. "I'm far too nervous for your well-being to care enough about my rage." he glanced over at you, your eyes shimmering with mirth and cheeks flushing a light shade of pink. "don't worry, my flower, I won't let anything harm you. I'll protect you to my last breath." 

my flower. that's what your mother used to call you when you were younger. her flower. and she abandoned her flower, never to return. until you stumbled upon her in a place you should've never been in. and all she did was leave you during your time of need. two times. 

yet here's chanyeol, the man who's given you his entire heart with no hesitation, treating you as a loved one should. you're his flower. and he'd be damned if he were to let anyone trample on his flower. 

lover. of course chanyeol was your lover. no one was more deserving of that title than he. the thought that he'd put himself on the line for your safety was astonishing to you, so much so that you didn't even acknowledge as a tear fell down your cheek, chanyeol reaching up and wiping it away. 

"thank you, my love," you breathed out, resting your cheek on his hand and shutting your eyes in peace. as long as you have chanyeol, of course you'll be safe.

____________________________

the rest of your day went by rather anticlimactically, just venturing the isle you've all landed on. jinyoung and his crew had guided you all around for a brief while, and you became rather close to jinyoung who lived the same situation as you. it was relieving to learn that he was just as confused as you once, only to now embrace his blood and his power. eventually, they bid you all a farewell as they prepared to leave. 

"let us hope that we shall one day reunite!" jackson exclaimed dramatically, hand thrown into the air in a theatrical manner. as reluctant as you were to actually relate to what you just saw before your eyes, you had to agree with him. you really did hope that you'll see these guys again. although you hated to see them all go, you knew that if it was meant to be, you'd cross paths again. 

"are all pirates as friendly as they are?" you questioned, finally prying your eyes from their retreating ship and over to the man beside you. jongdae gave a brief laugh before shaking his head, eyes still crinkled with joy. 

"no, this is actually a rare occurrence." he explains, also turning to face you. "if you recall, before we found safety here, we were fleeing from a ship?" oh, that's right. that's why you guys are still here and not going to heavens knows where. "well, that crew specifically is one of the most unnecessarily aggressive pirates out there. we're aggressive as well, actually one of the most feared across the land and sea, but they hold no morals." any traces of prior happiness faded at that point. "they have no heart."

"what do you mean?" you dared to ask, already losing color in your face at the prospect of nearly falling into their hands.

"most pirates have ambitions they follow freely, which is why they break free from the constraints of laws and flee to the oceans. some want riches, some want notoriety and fear." he shoves his hands in his pockets, staring out into the ocean as if in deep thought. "some want to just escape. from their own fears, their own persecutions, their anxieties." he tenses his jaw, a stern expression crossing his face. you believe that's what he's out here for: an escape. you realize you never really learned why they were out here, you just assumed they wanted to pillage and ruin lives. perhaps the ruining lives just comes as a consequence to the life they've chosen. 

"but what of them?" you press on, now becoming more anxious as he delays the inevitable. 

"they have no ambitions." he explains, facade unwavering. "they're barely even human. when I first heard of them, it was from a tale of a lone survivor of an island that was completely obliterated. he was too shaken to give any details apparently. the story goes that the only words he could utter were, 'the seven deadly sins.'" you gulped, eyebrows stitching together at that. the seven deadly sins? "they came, they saw, they conquered. most pirates just kill to get the resources they need while at sea, like food or money or clothes. apparently only half of the islands treasury was raided." 

"what?" you muttered under your breath, imagining the wreckage of that island compared to yours. yours was devastating, but imagine an entire island obliterated by just seven men. 

"they kill for sport. there are pirates who have allies and who have enemies, but they don't try to negotiate. no one has ever been civil with them because all they do is attack and kill." he turns over to you, head tilting the slightest to get a better look at you. "chanyeol doesn't try to mess with them, so you're safe with us, of course. but if you were to ever encounter them..." he lifted his hand and placed it on your shoulder, squeezing it to just the point of uncomfortable, just enough to keep you rooted in your place staring at jongdae's serious expression. "... run."

with that, he pulled away, giving you one final look before turning and entering the pub where everyone else was. you turned back to where your comrades' ship had at this point nearly disappeared, gulping as you looked beyond the horizon. maybe if you stare hard enough, you'd find where this supposed demon crew were. perhaps they're a long distance away, having given up when you all but disappeared into thin air. maybe they're still there, lurking and awaiting your return. 

the waves. they seemed to amplify in sound, muting your surroundings and calling for your attention solely on them. their even sloshing lulled you into a state of brief peace before a rather harsh crash against the port had you jumping back into reality. a shiver ran down your spine, the wind from the sea hitting you and cooling your already cold form. you felt afraid, wrapping your arms around yourself as if that would protect you. far away from your spot, you heard the distant roar of thunder. the longer you stood there, the more you realized this was your warning. your mother warned you first, and now the ocean is speaking to you personally. 

run.

with no hesitation, you turned and bolted to the bar, crashing in and pushing patrons as you scrambled around to find chanyeol. it should've been easy considering he was quite possibly the tallest man on the island, yet your frazzled state had you in a frenzy, desperately searching for your protector. you felt you were about to die, your lungs gasping for air even though you had plenty of it, your heart hammering against your ribs even though you ran for a mere 30 seconds at most. as a final attempt to find him, you outstretched your hand outward, closing your eyes and holding your breath. you couldn't take this anymore. you needed to be in the arms of safety you knew so well. and as if blessed by the heavens above, a familiar hand clamped around your wrist, dragging you forward and into an equally familiar chest. 

"what are you doing here?" chanyeol shouted over the commotion around you both. you opened your eyes, tears obscuring your vision, yet you could identify the silhouette of his messy locks. 

"we need to leave," you demanded, hands gripping his shirt in desperation. "we're in danger. we need to hide. we need to prepare. there's no time–"

"calm down," he interjected, hand placed at the back of your neck. "breathe." you did as he said, taking in a shaky breathe and burying your face in his shirt. just being with him was calming you immensely, and you were so grateful to have him beside you. "I'll go gather the boys, we'll call it a day. we'll head back to the inn and stay there the rest of the night. no one is to leave. how does that sound?"

as anxious as you remained, that idea sounded better than nothing and you found yourself nodding furiously. he never let you go. he kept you in his arms as he wrangled up his crew, dragging them all out of the pub and to the inn for the night. since it was still rather early, many chose to stay in the waiting room, refusing to settle down so early.

"yixing, stay alert. junmyeon, alert me if anything happens." chanyeol instructed, hand resting on your back as he began leading you to his room. you wanted to tell him he could stay with the guys, but you needed him by you. you wouldn't be able to sleep if you were alone in that room.

even when you both arrived to the room, you clung to chanyeol like your life depended on it. perhaps it did. your hands trembled against him, and your eyes shut tight in hopes that no tears would escape. all he did was hold you against him. he asked no questions, he knew you didn't want to talk about it. instead, he rubbed your back, detangled your hair with his hands, softly hummed a gentle tune. eventually, you did wind up falling asleep, the last thing you remember before succumbing to your exhaustion being a small kiss against your forehead. 

____________________________

it was dark. even when you widened your eyes, you couldn't see anything in front of you. you couldn't feel anything, your movements sluggish and forced. as terrifying as it was to lose these integral senses, you felt nothing but tranquility. 

you could hear waves. rolling against one another, crashing into the land, stirring to and fro. a symphony of oceanic noises you've come to grow accustomed to, yet this time around, it was different. each individual movement was like a disembodied voice calling out to you, begging for your attention. you were the sole listener, and with every other distraction eliminated, you could hear the voices loud and clear. 

"captain!" a distant cry, muffled to the point that you had to strain to decipher the word itself. 

"captain!" this was much clearer this time around. although, this voice didn't match those of the other waves. what could this be?

"chanyeol!" it felt as if the waves were getting louder, more panicked. it was no longer serene. a cacophony of crashes had you covering your ears, as if a sea storm were taking place all around you. 

"(y/n)!"

____________________________

you shot up from the bed, breathing erratic and a thin sheen of sweat encasing your body. you took in your surroundings. you were in the room, chanyeol beside you. everything would've been normal if it weren't for the frightened man beside you and the cries of agony from outside. 

"we need to go," he explained, tugging you to your feet and rushing out the door. he barreled down the hall, practically carrying you at this point until he reached the end, sehun and junmyeon's shaken forms waiting.

"what's going on?" you asked, peeking out the nearby window to see the familiar red which came with an abundant amount of fire.

pillaging.

"a hostile pirate crew came," sehun explained, taking your other hand and tugging you away from chanyeol. 

"it's bangtan." junmyeon explained, chanyeol visibly freezing at this news. bangtan? that was the crew you were evading from before.

the seven deadly sins. 

"our only hope of survival is escaping." chanyeol explained. "round up everyone. we need to make it out to the ship."

"we can fight them off while sehun takes her to the ship first." junmyeon elaborated, chanyeol already nodding along. 

"sehun, you heard." chanyeol snapped, taking one last glance towards you.

pain. fear. anxiety. you could tell how troubled chanyeol was at this very moment. even he didn't know if he'd make it out alive. 

I'll protect you to my last breath.

without another moment wasted, sehun pulled you onto his back, and with one last nod to chanyeol and junmyeon, took off to the entrance of the inn. you turned around for one last fleeting glimpse of chanyeol who stared back at you. you didn't know if this would be your last meeting. if you'd die, or he'd die, or you'd both die. you didn't have much time to think before sehun stumbled out of the inn. devastation lied everywhere. fires burning buildings, bloodied patrons running about. 

"they're probably distracted killing right now." sehun suggested, eyeing a clean route away from the carnage. "this could be our chance. hold on." he began trekking beneath the shadows, rushing to get to the port yet trying to remain hidden. all you could do was hold on and hope for the best. the further you both got, the more distant the cries got. they seven seemed to be all focused on that one spot. how could seven measly men hold up an actual battle against an island of misfits, pirates, and gods? they were unbelievable. you were beginning to feel worried for chanyeol and the gang attempting to hold back the pirates from you and sehun. "there it is." you spotted the ship just as sehun spoke, as if a beacon of hope. sehun took one last glance around before booking it to the ship, hands grasping your legs wrapped around him to ensure your safety. you were almost there. you could practically taste victory. yet fate always seemed to laugh upon you and your miserable life, because one single gunshot crushed those dreams in a second. 

sehun stumbled and crashed into the dirt, you rolling off of his back rather ungracefully. you scrambled to your knees, crawling over to the boy who was now face first in the dirt. 

"sehun?" you cried, tears gathering in your eyes as you shook the boy. you tried to ignore the blood accumulating beneath him as you shook him aggressively. "SEHUN!" 

"well, would you look at this?" a voice cut through the atmosphere, stalling your movements as you processed what was happening. you could hear the crunching of earth beneath boots as the man took slow strides in your direction. "if my eyes don't deceive me, you have to be the little vixen chanyeol picked up." you stared down at sehun, tears freely falling down your face as you prayed he was still alive. "you must be their ticket in here, huh? for chanyeol to have actually adopted some little nobody into his crew, you must be important to him." a small gasp left Sehun's lips, and even in your situation, you sighed in relief, clutching his arm gratefully, knowing he's still pushing through. "look when you're being spoken to." a cool piece of metal tapped beneath your chin, directing your attention to the man now standing above your seated form. 

he was tall. not as tall as chanyeol, but tall nonetheless. he had sharp eyes, as if already scrutinizing your worth to him. he smirked, pushing the tip of the sword against your throat. 

"my, you are rather pretty." he cocked his head to the side, a slimy smile stretching across his dark features. "chanyeol must also have you as his little toy, huh?" in one swift motion, he leaned down and yanked your arm upwards to have you on your feet. up close, he was even more intimidating. he kicked sehun out of the way, stomping his way over to the dock where you were once headed. you stared longingly at sehun who now recoiled from the pain, holding onto his stomach where the bullet pierced. he opened his eyes, watching you through his tears. the man holding you lifted a dirtied hand to his mouth, an ear piercing whistle causing you to jolt in surprise. "oh, this'll be fun. don't you worry your little head. we're much more fun than your precious exo could ever be." you whimpered, trying to tug your arm free but to no avail. "ah, there's my crew, as diligent as ever." 

six figures leisurely ran over in your direction as if the world around them wasn't on fire. they were all out of breath, sweaty, and covered in soot. 

"why the early callback?" one of them asked, attempting to catch his breath. 

"i have our catch of the day," he pushed you forward, still holding a secure grip on your arm. "this is chanyeol's possession. well, now she's ours, of course."

"oh, how exciting," one of the other ones clapped gleefully as if he were a child given candy. 

"everyone, get on board. it won't be long before chanyeol figures something is askew since I called you all back early." they all began marching towards the dock, their captain grabbing another one's arm to stop him. he shoved you into him, a hard chest catching your fall. "get her on the ship. i don't want the hassle of her kicking and screaming." 

with one curt nod, the man grabbed you and tossed you onto his shoulders like you were a sack of potatoes, his grip relentless as if he couldn't care less about your pain. kicking and screaming you did do, shouting chanyeol's name like a mantra. the louder you got, the more the man's fingers would dig into your legs, sure to leave bruises in their wake. in the distance, you could see another figure sprinting as fast as humanly possible to the ship now already moving forward. 

the captain of this ship headed to the stern of his ship, closest to the shore where the silhouette was running to. 

"get one last look in, pretty," he insisted to you, still being carried by his subordinate. he lifted his gun, aiming it right at the figure who was now clearly chanyeol. "cause this will be the last time you ever see park chanyeol." 

bang. 

you gasped as the gun went off, followed by your heartbroken screeches into the night as your lover fell to the floor a few meters away from sehun who was trying so desperately to crawl over to the dock, as if he could single-handedly save you. the captain turned around, seemingly misplaced, innocent dimples accompanying a sinister and deadly grin.

"welcome to bangtan!" he shouted, stepping away from his spot and passing by you. "the last faces you'll ever see in your miserable life."

----------------------------------------

taglist: @serendibidibidis​ @mrinalexo @softysuho​

thank you all for your patience and loyalty! i’ll try and do better with updating for you!

[hindumyththoughts]

Redamancy for Arjun/Subhadra, Arjun/Draupadi or Draupadi/Bheem?

Hi @ambidextrousarcher 💙, you gave me three whole choices and seeing how bad I am with decision making, I chose two rather than one (hope that's alright 😄)

Redamancy: act of loving in return

Draupadi and Bheem

Both of them were blazing flames, but even if the wise words of old had pitted fire against itself as the only worthy opponent, these two were nothing but complementary to each other, their heat keeping the other one alive and fighting. He was the violently flickering red embers in the center and she the orange hued streams of flames that reached far and wide around the coals, both essential for the existence of that fire; one that protected and nurtured life through it’s light and warmth but was also capable of scorching those who tried to kill it from fear.

Both understood the pains of the other, knew exactly where they were wounded, in more ways than one. That was why it was easier to offer a healing hand to the other when they were injured. When Panchaali was flared due to an injustice to the masses born out of errors in the governance of the Samrat, the second eldest of the Pandavas was the one who followed after her, listening to her arguments and reason; the one who stood beside her as an ally to explain the rationale to the king so as to change his opinion. When Vrikodara was agitated due to the misconducts of his relatives, she was the one who soothed his anger, for she knew it to be justified but unwise for them all, for she knew that patience was the virtue of the prudent.

They had quite similar tastes on multiple levels which produced an amusing pastime where they searched for and found different varieties of flowers in the gardens that they thought suited the other best. They would point out different lilies, marigolds, roses and orchids to each other, with Bhimsena finding special delight in comparing Panchaali to the adorable orange tufts of marigolds. He knew that Krishnaa was fond of lotuses the most and so it was an endearing game to always bring her the best ones, whenever the opportunity arose. What he did not know was the reason why she was so attached to that particular flower, something Yajnaseni never told him. Lotuses were so endeared to her because they always reminded her of him, gentle beauty amidst the grave harshness of life.

The wishes their hearts yearned for were quite alike too, and praised be their fortunes or that blessed pair of husband and wife that they granted those wishes for each other. When asked, her husband might smile and say that all his wishes were granted by his family, so he doesn't have anymore desires left, but even still, one last prayer leaves Panchaali's lips, something she couldn't ask of her Bheem himself; that if Mahadev be pleased with her, should he be as kind to her as he was in her previous lives, let her once again, in another lifetime, have the honour of becoming the partner of the brave one known as Bhimsena, a simple, humble life which she could offer entirely to the one who stood beside her now, with another lotus in his hand that he knows will cheer her up.

Sometimes, all one needed was someone who listened, someone who accepted you for all of that, someone who helped you in becoming better, who inspired you to live. Flames which may have fused to become one but did not dominate or overpower the other, rather fortified each other to achieve a brilliant, spirited glow. Between them, all it took for love to be expressed were not the grand feats of glory, but merely a constant presence beside each other which remained there and understood what was spoken, or what even remained unsaid...

Subhadra and Arjun

"Have I ever told you how much I adore your smile, princess of Dwarka?" Came the question for the hundredth time, as they finally found a rare moment all for themselves, "No, I don't recall your having ever said that, O great Gandivadhaari " replied Subhadra teasingly. "Well, allow me to correct that grave error: I dearly love the simple smile that you adorns your lips, Subhadrey" "Then, let me tell you that I love the charming modesty of your expressions, Paarth". "Learnt how to compliment from the best, did you?" "I did, he is a master when it comes to these delicate matters, handles them quite smoothly. Rukmini didi never had any complaints." In answer to the sudden quip Arjun had nothing to offer except for a hearty laugh.

Absently his hand reaches for her, and he finds hers halfway toward him too, the realization of the fact bringing a smile on his lips. That was another gesture that they shared, both always coming halfway in their relationship, waiting patiently for the other, so that they were always equal, dependent but never helpless without the other. Subhadra might jest about him needing a lot more than an encouraging nudge when coming to the decision of marrying her, but still he was fond of the memory of both of them racing towards Indraprastha on their chariot, her jovial laughs mixing with the whistling winds, and their hands finding each other's for the first time. Krishna knew from the start, he had to admit, and also took great delight in matchmaking, it seemed. Another one of his greatest achievements, he declared on their wedding and Dau couldn't help himself but laugh.

Watching the sunset go by, with rosy streaks of clouds embracing it's rays in their wisps, and feeling as content as he could be, he felt something else in her hand, a ring. He turned towards her with a curious smile, "what is that?" "Something that I acquired today, a white pearl-embedded ring." she answered in an eager tone, "It's beautiful, the flawless white is enchanting." "But still, not the purest white I have ever seen" she said unexpectedly, while smiling at him, and he understood what she meant, for she and her brother were quite similar in flinging those suprising compliments which came towards him from out of the blue.

"Let it be your charm of good luck from me, let it be a shield that keeps you safe from all harm" she requested. "I am grateful to you Subhadrey, I will protect it with my life." "Leave it to you to misunderstand the simplest of things, Arya. It's the other way round, you are not supposed to protect the charm, it's supposed to protect you." she sighed dramatically. "Then, I will accept it with great gratitude, but only if you will accept one from me" he proposed with a twinkle in his eyes, "alright then, I accept it but what and where is it?". "Your smile." Arjun smiled softly "always keep it with yourself, for me. So that, as long as you have it, you'll be safe from all bad and harmful things. As long as it's there, I'll rest assured that your smile will protect you in my stead."

In the years that follow, a humble ascetic, meditating rigidly in the forests that extend afar, with the bearings of a warrior, keeps only one artifact of wealth on his person, a ring tied inside a knot of his rough cloth, hidden from the world; but not hidden from the one who lives her life in prosperity, but even among all that wealth lost her most valuable piece of heart, and lives on with a resilient, enduring smile as she waits patiently, for him to come back to her, on their promised halfway...

[warrioreowynofrohan]

Thingol, for the opinion thingy?

I am very behind on my Asks and I’m sorry this one has taken so long!

Opinions on Thingol: I’ve ended up with quite a lot of them, and I think I’ve become more sympathetic to him that I was initially when my predominant impressions of him all derived from the Leithian.

He does come across very, very poorly in the Leithian. At the point when your child is a few thousand years old, they are certainly competent to decide whom they wish to marry!  This stands out even more in the context of LACE, which indicates that (at least among the Amanyar elves) 1) it was common to be married soon after after age fifty, and be informally engaged ever earlier than that; 2) elves rarely made such choices impulsively or wrongly; and 3) elves could marry whomever they wished, and familial consent was not required (though doing without it was discourteous), meaning that within elven customs Thingol had no right whatsoever to demand anything of Beren; Lúthien and Beren had every right to wed irrespective of what Thingol thought of it. It isn’t a medieval European society where parental control over marriage is the norm.

Thingol is very deliberately and openly trying to get Beren killed in a way that, technically, leaves his hands clean. And almost equally notably, in a different way, he does absolutely nothing when he learns that his nephew has been captured by Sauron, and actively tries to prevent anyone else (well, with ‘anyone else’ being his daughter) from doing anything either, in a way that suggests he regards Finrod – who he actually likes – as being acceptable collateral damage for getting rid of an unwanted prospective son-in-law.

What made my opinion of him more complex is that the story of Túrin suggests that Thingol realized how wrong he was and was, in a sense, trying to atone for his treatment of Beren by adopting this human child. And he went to great lengths to guard and guide him, to the point of pardoning him for deeds that were on the line between manslaughter and homicide, and sending one of his top warriors away from the front lines in order to guard him, even when Túrin was keeping very poor company.

And it’s after this attempt fails, and fails horribly, that he begins to become obsessed with the Silmaril. Because if, in obtaining this jewel, he has lost everything else, and he cannot make it right, and the universe appears to have rejected his attempt at atonement, then the jewel must be of unimaginable worth, because it’s the only way of conceptualizing its cost. (The fact that the Nauglamír is both cursed and has had Glaurung sitting on it for years likely does not help.)

 This is the main reason why I do think that he would get out of the Halls of Mandos (which seems to be a disputed question in fanfic) – by the time he dies, he already understands on some level just how badly he has screwed up.

Favourite ship: Well, I generally go with the canon ships, so I suppose him and Melian, but I honestly have to say that Melian deserves better. When you’re  married to someone who is literally older than the world and has a great deal of wisdom, you should occassionally listen to them.

 The degree to which Melian seems to take a step back from decisive action and ruling is very interesting.  I’m particularly thinking of the Leithian, where she tells Lúthien that Beren is held captive, but doesn’t take any action either to aid or or to prevent her from leaving. I’m not sure to what extent this is about her nature as one of the Ainur – a recognition that this is a crucial moment, and how it progresses needs to be determined by the actions of the Children and not of the Powers – and how much it is the choice of a grieving mother who knows where Lúthien’s story is going to go, and where it should go, but can’t bring herself to contribute to it.

Favourite non-romantic relationship: I don’t really have a favourite, but one minor one that interests me is the idea that he must have known and likely been very good friends with Treebeard.  It stands out that the Ents, after taking no part in any of the other events of Beleriand, specifically intervene to punish Thingol’s murderers, and it makes me think that his relationship with the Ents must have been very close, especially in the earlier days before the First Age of the Sun. (Treebeard specifically mentions Neldoreth, a part of Doriath, in one of his songs.) As ruler of a forest kingdom, it fits that he would know and be on good terms with them.

And as almost no one, not even elves, had seen the Ents for many years prior to the War of the Ring, he would doubtless be surprised and delighted to learn, when members of the Fellowship arrived in Valinor, that they had met his old friend!

Unpopular opinion: It’s hard to say which opinions on this character would be unpopular, because the I suspect most views are unpopular in some sectors of the fandom and popular in others! I’m sure that at least one of the ones that I’ve stated qualifies.

Something I wish had happened/would happen with them in canon: I wish that he had been able to reconcile with Lúthien before her death, but I don’t think that he did. To me, the choice of Lúthien and Beren to go live in Ossiriand speaks volumes. Half the rationale for completing the Quest was Beren’s conviction that Lúthien wouldn’t be safe anywhere except Doriath - and then, after completing it, they leave Doriath, the safest place in Beleriand, and go to Ossiriand, which is much less defended and is on the borders of Fëanorian territory.  To me, that says that Lúthien’s relationship with her parents, and for that matter with Doriath as a whole, never really recovered from Thingol first attempting to get her fiancé killed and then imprisoning her. (And Lúthien and Beren’s apparent rejection of both Doriath and their royal status makes Dior’s self-identification as Thingol’s heir - Elúchil - very interesting.)

[mbti-notes]

Hi. I have a question; it’s a bit long but please bear with me. It’s been hard to face but now I know that time has finally come to know the truth. I have a pattern of attracting people with serious life problems, who have lost direction and need some guidance and space to breathe and recharge. I solve their problems, I help them forget about troubles and relax for a moment. Some of them become a part of my life, my close friends. I catch feelings. [1/4]

[con’t: They start to feel better and see life in a more positive way after some time, usually half a year, and then leave me. It’s good for them but I feel very alone, I feel like people only care about me because of my skills and treat me just as a tool. I’m not someone special to them in the way that they are to me. They continue to tell me that we are friends but I sense that their heart has already changed. They see it as an obligation, it’s not their choice, not what they want. It’s not freedom. I too am human, despite being told otherwise numerous times in the childhood and me being ESTP, and sometimes I too need love and attention. I used to grab it and just enjoy myself but it destroys people and I can’t watch that. If I were NFJ, who are usually suited for that “guide” role, I would get satisfaction from helping people, as you do, from obligations of high Fe, but all I feel that way is loneliness and dullness. I am 25 and as I become older Fe need of a relationship becomes louder. I used to not care but now I can’t. What’s my problem with this people? What do I do wrong?]

From what I know, this is an unusual problem for ESTPs in the age bracket that you are referring to, but it is an all too common problem for young ENFJs. Trying to fix broken people is often how NFs run into relationship trouble and feel chronically dissatisfied. Therefore, I am obligated to ask whether you have undergone a proper type assessment. I can’t in good conscience proceed to give type-based suggestions without resolving this question to my satisfaction.

There are also problematic claims to address. We’re not talking about a one time relationship thing that could be chalked up to circumstance or accident; you are describing an unhealthy recurring pattern of decision making that always leaves you in the lurch. Recurring patterns run deep and require deep diving to sort out. 

You claim that you “attract” damaged people rather than taking responsibility for being drawn to them and engaging with them, which raises the question of why you always take on an implicitly submissive and self-victimizing role in your relationship life. 

You claim that you are not suited for the “guide” role in that you don’t get satisfaction from helping people, which raises the question of why you choose to do something you don’t benefit from in the first place.

You claim that people treat you as a tool, use you and abandon you, which raises the question of why you are always so very accommodating to play the role of the tool, seemingly willing to be used.

You claim that you, too, have needs and feelings that should be honored, yet every relationship decision you have made leads you away from your needs in the completely opposite direction, which raises the question of why you care so little for yourself and are so unskilled at self-care. 

You claim that this issue is hard to face and it’s time, which heavily implies that you sat on this problem for a long period and knowingly repeated the mistake, and why would you do that when, deep down, you knew the result and that it would harm you?

Confused judgment, self-deceptive rationales, blindly self-sacrificial behavior, no awareness of personal boundaries, and absolute ignorance of your own motivations is much more characteristic of INFERIOR Ti than auxiliary Ti.

Reflect: What is your true intention when you are helping these people? To your credit, it seems that you don’t enter with the intention to prowl for romance, since you claim that you “catch feelings” later on in the process. But that only leaves a giant question mark about what your intention really is. If your unconscious intention is to get something from them, then it’s no wonder that you feel empty afterwards, because you didn’t get what you wanted.

Type aside, “helping” tends to leave any person feeling empty when they don’t do it for the right reasons. Is it really “helping” when you place unspoken expectations on people (yet can’t fully admit to it)? And is it not somewhat exploitative to use people’s vulnerability as a means to fill an unacknowledged void in yourself? To “help” is to do something for someone else’s good. But when your intentions are impure, the “help” that you offer will be tainted and not turn out as you expect. Some people exhibit the recurring pattern of being drawn to damaged people because it allows them to, for example: maintain a safe emotional distance, feel a false sense of dominance or superiority, elevate themselves through nurturing the potential of another, compensate for personal failure through projecting one’s hopes onto another, cover up low self-worth or low self-esteem through martyrdom, etc. Whether there is a deeper issue at play is for you to reflect upon. There usually is, but only you are able to see the true face of the darkness inside. People repeat a negative pattern because they get something from it, something that they really don’t want to let go of, so what is that thing for you? Time to be more honest with yourself.

Healthy and deep relationships of the kind you seem to desire must be EQUAL. A very simple and elegant way to break this pattern and resolve it is to purposely seek out people on equal footing as you, people that challenge you rather than beg from you, and/or people that you believe are a good match for you rather than merely needing you.

[you-are-worth-the-wait]

hey...this may be a lot and i ramble and if it makes you feel a certain way where you are unsure of how to feel, it’s okay.  it may make you sad, sorry, affraid, frustrated, confused, or what not but just know that this is not a reflection of who you think you are.  it’s more so a reflection of who i know you to be, your self worth, and what I know you deserve and how you deserve to be treated.  i get so passionate and my feelings are magnified when it involves you.  from the highest of the highs to the lowest of the lows.  from the elation of bieng happy, to the depths of depression when i’m sad, to the blinding maddening rage when i’m angry.  if you aren’t ready to deal with that, it’s okay.  but please don’t ever feel that you deserve any of this.  It’s not right. like i explain here too, i’ll do what i can to make you understand and believe what i know to be true.  just know that whatever preconceived notions you may think or have in your mind, you may be wrong.  and if you need any explanation, clarifcation, or reasons as to why my logic is so “messed up”...just ask...*ws*

Love...it has nothing to do with how weak/strong you are, whatever insecurities you have, if i have more resilience than you, who’s got whatever mental fortitude, or whatever else you may think you fall short on. i honestly believe it’s all about trusting in each other, you and me.  i’m not the strongest person in the world either.  maybe i may seem more put together and that i have some kind of resilience to things, but i can be just as weak, afraid, and insecure as the next person.  maybe the one thing i do have going for myself is that i believe and trust myself when i know/want something bad enough and nothing else matters. logic and rationale goes out the window for me.  with you, there is something there that i can’t shake or deny.  why do you think i held out for as long as i did with you?  possibly what you are feeling now, every feeling of doubt, fear, insecurity, weakness, and all…that’s a reflection of how I was feeling when I was trying to make decision of how to break down that last wall/barrier that prevented me from being the way i honestly wanted to be with you.  I was confused, scared, afraid, insecure, protective, guarded, and so much more when it came to my feelings and heart when it came to you.   you were my motivation and inspiration to take a chance with making myself vulnerable to you.  i know you are scared along with a lot of other uncertainties and insecurities you may have about yourself and your life now, choosing to walk away from that life, the fallout and judgement of others, possible fear of his reaction, your family, your friends...everyone.  don’t you think that was going through my mind when i was trying to decide how to make it so that i would be “okay” doing what i was going to do and moving forward with you?  there was a calming strength that you gave me along with a resolve that you could possibly want what I wanted from/with you.  that just grew with every passing moment that i learned more about you and it has culminated to what it is today.  i wish you could see that yes, it’s okay to be afraid and unsure about choosing me because of everything that you think might happen may happen.  but i also wish that in choosing me, you know exactly what you are getting.  the strength, the support, the comfort, the safety, and everything that you feel you may not have or fear you lack.  that I will compliment you in where you feel you may fall short and those attributes will be given, supported, and enhanced when we are together.  i hope you could remember how you feel when you are with me.  the calm, confidence, love, warmth, support, and everything you felt that made you feel safe, even though you were at your most vulnerable.  i kinda wish that that would be something worth taking the risk of leaving the situation you are in.  It’s okay to be afraid and unsure. I was there too. But it was because of you, together, that I was able to find my way to you. I hope you can somehow how trust in me and have the strength, courage, and conviction you need to do the same now in choosing me.

i could never be disappointed in you, or at least it will take a heck of a lot to get me to that point.  remember how i told you that you could show a full range of emotions towards me but disappointment was something that would be one of the hardest things to deal with?  so why would i put that on you or make you feel that if i can help or avoid it?  honestly...it’s sadness, and hurt, despair, hopelessness, and a lot of other things that may look like disappointment, but it isn’t that.  consider it from my point of view.  i explained to you why i feel the way i do.  no matter what he does, good or bad, he’ll always have you there.  me, no matter what i do, i’ve got nothing.  yes, you never asked me to play by your rules, but do you honestly think i could go against it?  if i did, i’d be finding every opportunity to steal every single moment away with you.  an errand here, a break there, a call here, a text...i want to do it all...but i don’t.  i could tempt you to meet me somewhere, i can make up excuses to see you, i could even try to “manipulate” you to steal away every possible moment I can with you.  but I don’t.  i’m choosing not to out of respect for you and him.  with every fight you have, with every misstep he makes, every time he makes you feel insecure, hurts you, belittles you, makes you cry…I feel that those are the only chances i have to possibly get you.  but he does that constantly...and you are still there.  blown chance after blown chance after blown chance...he still has you there.  even when i try to give you logic and reason why you should leave or should have left a long time ago, you are still there.  you constantly give him chances and excuses despite how he treats you and you feel like this is your penance.  i tell you that you don’t deserve this, but you feel you do, so you are still there.  i’ve tried illogical and i’ve tried logical but you still kind of resist what i have to say and subject yourself to this “penance” saying that maybe you deserve it.  so i think that maybe if you did leave or he left...maybe that’s what will be my chance.  but you have threatened that.  he has threatened that.  you both gave each other outs and chances to leave but never take it.  you stay and kept getting hurt. 

so how do you think i feel?  how do i even have a chance or when will i ever get the chance if you’ve said you’d leave, he said he wants to call it quits...but you hang around.  that’s why i’m sad, and hurt, and confused, and frustrated, and so many other things.  it’s as if he has 99 lifelines and he’s gone through 50 and it’s almost as if you feel all the shyt he’s put you through is not enough.  it’s like you need to suffer through one more or the others or the remaining 49 till you finally let go or say, “okay...maybe i don’t deserve this.  I am worth more than this. This isn’t something I’d stand for others to go through, so why am I letting it happen to me? maybe it’s time i give lee a chance.”.  and that’s the thing that does a number on me.  i don’t know where you get the idea that this is “okay” and that you “deserve” this.  You wouldn’t let someone else go through what you are going through. I know I wouldn’t. So every time i feel that i should have a chance by now, he’s given that chance because of the convenience that he’s “there”...that you are “there”.  you guys will always be “there” and i won’t...and that’s what frustrates, hurts, saddens, and kills me.  i’m not disappointed in you Love.  but every time he makes you cry only to make you “happy/smile” for a moment, i feel that should have been my moment...and i’ll never get it...because i’ll never be given that chance. 

 but basically, even though i prolly said it but not as well put together as i could have along with other reasons, that’s why i don’t know what to say, how to feel, and why i die every time i hear that something “nice/good” has happened.  it’s because the “nice” happens after who knows how many screw ups and times he’s hurt you.  every single time i think, “this is it.  this was his last chance,  this is the mess up.  this is the breaking point.  this will make her realize.  this will open her eyes.  this will make her see things for what they are”.  Each and every time he hurts you, questions your actions, makes you question yourself, makes you feel hopeless, helpless, has given you anxiety attacks, every fight, belittling you, and so much more…but it seems like you don’t see it, choose to ignore it, or feel you deserve it…so you stay and you take it.  and when you tell me he makes you “smile”, i lose a part of me because i feel that that should have been me.  that should have been my chance.  That should have been my time.  and with every bad thing that happens, with every out given, even to the point of threatening and wanting to part ways...you are still there.  so that’s where i come in.  that’s where my feelings are.  that’s what i’m looking at and feeling.  That’s why I’m at a lost for words.  Would you allow me to treat someone else the way he has treated you for as long as he has treated you?  what would you say to someone, a friend, if this is what they were going through?  How do you support them when they tell you “I deserve this.”?  when i say i don’t know what to say, i imagine you standing in front of me, telling me the things you are telling me, feeling the way you feel, and all i can think about is knowing that all you have to do is reach out your hand to me or i’m there reaching out my hand to you...but you just stare at me, don’t take my hand, i look into your eyes and seeing all this loss, hurt, confusion, turmoil, and what not.  so why when you look into mine, that’s the feeling of lost and sadness, not disappointment, that is reflected in my eyes and why i don’t know what to say. 

he’s given you almost every opportunity to leave and i’ve given you almost every opportunity to allow you to choose me, but you are where you are right now...but i’m not disappointed.  i don’t see or think about you any less.  i still believe in you and the things you are doing.  it just hurts like hell that you are still there, him with all his chances despite every reason and opportunity you’d think would have been enough to help you realize what’s going on.  every possible chance i could have been given, he was afforded it instead.  does he deserve it?  who’s to say.  maybe yes, maybe no.  but i guess it’s all judgement as well as perspective since the same could be said about you.  do you deserve this “penance”?  you say yes, i say no, others may agree or disagree.  all i know is i “see” what’s happening to you and i have no idea how to make you see or realize you don’t deserve this and if you honestly feel that you do, then realistically, you may never give yourself or me a chance for that matter.  that’s not disappointment you see/feel Love.  what you may be feeling at this moment of realization...the hurt and sadness...that’s what i feel.  it sucks, it hurts, and i’ve experienced it every time he’s been given a “chance” that i thought should have been mine.  so every time i die a little inside, i can’t help but give myself a “you fucking poor bastard” smile and laugh because, like i said, it is so comically tragic the rollercoaster of emotions i go through, all because i love and care for you as much as i do...*ws*

I know I rambled a lot but this is where I’m coming from. He hurt you for who knows how long. Weeks. Months. And you gave him chance after chance and he blew each and every one. It’s like you gave him 30 chances and he messed each of them up, beating you down every time, making you question yourself, driving you to hopelessness, helplessness, sadness. And on the 31th chance, he makes you “smile”, or finally decides he wants to treat you right, and it’s okay? That’s so messed up. If I messed up once, maybe I’d ask for an allowance of a second mess up, but I’d do all I could to make things right hopefully by the 3rd time. Why the hell would I want to constantly put you through shyt? And that’s what he’s done. So he screws up the 4th, 5th, 16th, 27th, all those chances. All those chances that were given to him could have been mine. And after weeks and months of shyt, he’s “nice” and you are affected in a way that feel there is something there? That’s heartbreaking to me because I would have stopped putting you through hell on the first day I realized I treated you like shyt. I would have made sure that I figured out why things were so messed up the moment something was wrong. You’ve been beaten down and treated like shyt for so long that of course a reprieve and a “motivation of goodness” is going to seem like an amazing thing to you. I mean, even in the desert, a drop of water is going to be a game changer.  And that hurts. Because I have been showering you with every fiber from my being from the start. I wouldn’t have beaten you down so badly that “him making you smile” would mean so much. So of course a singular act/motivation of kindness will seem huge. Whereas that is something that I would give to you every day, and I have. Would you or anyone take it for granted, who knows. But that’s what gets me. All his other wasted chances could have been my one chance.  And his sporadic and moments of “motivation of goodness” after weeks and months of shyt...I have no idea how it compares to me believing in you all this time. His singular glimmer of hope throughout all this shyt, does it mean more because of all the shyt he’s put you through that it stands out so brightly. As compared to me telling you every day how I feel and care about you? I feel as if you have been dragged through all this and been beaten so badly that you may be blinded by this “good” that it overshadows the constant that I’ve been trying to give you and make you see. That’s not disappoint you see. It’s sadness, hurt, confusion, frustration, maybe even to the point of desperation. Like, what more am I supposed to do or what can I do to compete for you.  do I have to be a jerk and treat you or someone like shyt so they will see the good in me?  Eff...maybe it’s even anger because all I want to do is hold you and comfort you after he’s hurt you every single time but I can’t do a damn thing. But it’s not directed at you. It’s directed about the situation. It would be the same way for others too.  I wouldn’t want anyone to go through what you are going through.  but it means and hurts more to me because it is you. It’s times when I allow myself to be immersed in all of this, try to make sense of this, let it consume me, and when I can’t find a rational or irrational explanation...it messes me up. So I don’t say anything to you or anyone else. I stay silent. And if you ask me how I feel...I will tell you that I am all right.

so the words you see on the screen or if you were to look into my eyes, it may mimick disappointment, but i hope you realize and understand the difference and why it hurts me when you hurt.  i hurts me when he hurts you, when others hurt you, when you are brought down, when you are forced to question your actions, when you are forced to question others’ actions, when you don’t know who to trust and open up to, when you are still in the stiuation you are in, to see the confusion that you are in, to possibly reasoning and making justifications that you deserve this when you don’t, when most every sign you see tells you to leave and yet you feel you “deserve” all this shyt so you stay.  it’s not disappoinment Love.  it’s sadness.  it’s frustration.  it’s realizing that any chance that i could have been given, it was given to him out of “convenience”, or possibly “excuses” in thinking you aren’t strong enough or may not have as much mental fortitude, because you do.  you just don’t realize it because you’ve been beaten down so much.  you are so much more than what you give yourself credit for.  don’t let other determine your value and self worth.  you know who you are.  you know the type of person you can be.  just think about the person you are when you are with me.  that’s the real you.  every awesomeness, crappiness, over achieving, insecure, intelligent, “naive”, and everything in between and beyond those spectrums...that’s who you are.  i wish you could see that Love...i honestly do.  maybe then you wouldn’t be as “confused”, timid, afraid, or see yourself as how you think yourself to be...because that’s not you.  i’m trying my best to live up to my promise that i would do everythig i can till you see and believe in yourself to be the person that i see and believe in.  eff...i hate getting preachy with run ons having no direction or finsihing whatever thought i started.  

and don’t say that you are sorry.  you have nothing to apologize for.  I need you stop apologizing and feeling sorry for me or for yourself.  You want to apologize or find a way to make it up to me?  take all that energy you expend on feeling sorry for me, for yourself, for my situation, or whatever it is that you telling yourself that you feel you owe to me, and use it for the betterment of yourself.  Do I want you to miss me, yes.  Do I want you to realize you are making a mistake every single day you are still in that situation, I do.  Do I want you to feel sorry for what you and I are going through, in a way, yes and no. but i don’t want you to keep dwelling on that or feeling sorry for me.  every time you have the moment that you want to start pitying me and want to apologize to me, take that “sorry”/negative energy and use it for yourself.  stop wasting time in apologizing to me and use that energy to build yourself up.  use it to look at what is going on around you.  use it to see what is going on.  use it to see what i see.  to really evaluate your situation.  to see past all this smoke screen in front of you.  and here i thought i manipulated people.  Love, i feel you are just being played and toyed with, emotionally, psychologically, mentally, so much so to the point where you yourself have no idea what to think.  i know you’ve had these moments before but seriously, has it ever taken you this long to realize or figure things out?  I just want you to realize where you are.  To open up your mind and heart.  To see things for what they are and not what he’s manipulated them, and you, to be.  

In all honesty, when it comes to you and me, we are the ones causing the pain to ourselves.  and if we are causing it to each other, it’s not purposeful or intentional.  it’s what we perceive and feel based on what the other person is going through.  What you have going on over there, it’s a little more complicated and messed up because not only are you and him causing pain on yourselves, but you two and inflicting pain on each other.  yours is not intentional, but he’s made it clear that what you say and do does affect him.  he may not physically abuse you but he is purposely mentally, psychologically, and emotionally attacking you and saying things to purposely hurt you and bring you down.  i don’t know how you would ever let anyone get away with that being done to someone else.  how you would let the person who says they “love” you to get away with that and for so long and how much longer.  i can tell if i may say things and you may take it the wrong way and you think i’m berating you trying to beat you down.  like the tandem bike thing.  remember how you saw me in that moment?  that’s me taking out all my frustration and agression on the situation, the bike, myself, everything.  but it was never directed at you.  you may have gotten caught in the cross fire and i apologized once i saw how it affected you.  but none of what i said was ever directed at you.  i never said, “why can’t YOU do this.  what’s wrong with YOU.  YOU are stupid.  YOU are messed up.”  i never mentiioned, directed, or put any of that on you.  i was mainly frustrated with myself and everything spilled from there.  but from your side, what he does and what he says, it’s directed right at you and it’s main purpose and goal is to attack you and make you feel like shyt.  that’s what i hav a problem with.  that’s what saddens, angers, frustrates, confuses me.  what he is doing and saying, that’s something i would consciously and knowingly do to hurt someone.  and you know me.  if i want to fuck with someone and their mind, i’d do it, and i’d have fun doing it, and if i ever did do something as fucked up as that, it may look exactly like what he is doing to you.  except he’s not having “fun” with it.  it’s intentful, direct, and so purposeful in that it has one goal and one purpose, to tear you down.  and that...is fucked up...*sigh*

In my situation…i’m the one who’s causing this pain on myself.  i can choose to walk away, i can choose to not write out my feelings, i can choose to stop caring about what is happening to you, I can choose to stop caring about you, what he’s doing to you, the situation you are in, i can choose to get rid of everything i have here that reminds me of you, i can choose to delete all our pictures and videos, i can choose to get rid of my letters, i can choose to get rid of our photo album...but i choose not to.  i still choose to keep you in my life.  just as you still choose to read my randomness, you still choose to respond to me, you still choose to keep our memories alive, you still choose to call me, you still choose to open up to me and tell me how you feel, you still choose to tell him the truth and admit that i do still mean something to you.  we both know that we are both hurting but we choose to keep doing what we are doing...and i don’t regret it.  i’ll endure this pain as long as i can if it means that i get the chance or the possibility that i could have you the way i want to have you in my life.  and don’t think that by “dropping” me you’d be sparing me from pain, because i don’t know if i’m wired or i could accept that.  i’d find a way to twist your altruistic gesture into thinking that you’ve just given up on me...*ws*  but just as you can’t give me a timeline, i also know that i don’t know how resilient or how “strong” i can be.  just as hopefully someday you will come to the realization that you need to walk away from there, that i am meant for you, and you are ready to accept me, i could be just as “bad” and realize that i’m not meant for this “pain” either and walk away.  worst case scenario is the day you have that “realization” will be the day i “realize” things too.  with all the people i’ve lost interest in, you can prolly tell that once that interest/spark is gone in my eyes, mind, and heart, it most likely won’t come back.  that’s prolly my biggest fear.  when you are finally ready…i’ll be gone. 

[goodguyjean]

What's up! Both Armin and Jean are my favorite characters, they were since I first got into the manga and I loved each of their character developments and overall growth. I loved seeing Armin and Jean's friendship grow through out the story, and considering the "separation" between the main trio, which I think will be due to a difference in ideals. Being Armin and Jean think alike and work well together, do you think Jean will side with Armin and get his back during the trio split? Thanks!

Hi there! Sorry, it’s been kind of a busy weekend for me and mysemester is just starting up so I’m a bit behind on my inbox ^^’ Thanks foryour patience! 

I’ve thought about this question quite a bit, and I think itwill come down to what exactly is going to be the basis of the “separation” of the members of theShiganshina Trio. Personally, I think it’s going to come down to how much each member of the trio is willing to sacrifice in order to achieve their goal–and, according to the newest guidebook, they’re starting to realize just how much their goals currently differ. As Isayama discusses in a recent interview in said guidebook, Armin wanted to see the sea for its own sake, because it was a wonder of nature, but Eren wanted to see it as an act of defiance, because he felt indignation that he was held back from seeing it by the Walls and the titans. Mikasa’s goal has always been protecting her family, but that goal has started shift as she’s dedicated herself to the Survey Corps and given herself to the military discipline that comes with being part of such a group. Eren’s view of the world is actually quite uncompromising, and realizing that he can’t have the absolute freedom he once dreamed of has led him to despair. In the face of such insurmountable odds and the revelation that the Walldians’ enemies have been other humans all along–technically other Eldians, who have been enslaved and forced to act as living weapons because of their unique ability to transform into titans–Eren clings to his comrades and refuses to sacrifice them for a cause so hopeless (to Eren’s mind post-Uprising/Shiganshina) as defeating Marley, and thus it is actually Eren who is now most closely aligned with Jean ideologically. I am not sure if Jean will be forced to “side” with any particular member of the trio, but I imagine that if it comes to that he will feel torn between his close friendship with Armin and his ideals. 

And, quite frankly, I would like Jean to stick to his ideals if they ever come into conflict with his feelings for Armin, as much as it pains my inner-Jearmin shipper to say this. Armin and Jean have always disagreed about the ends justifying the means, and I can actually envision an ending where Armin and Mikasa end up on one side of this debate and Eren and Jean end up on the other. Which, considering how ideologically opposed Eren and Jean are at the beginning of the series, would be kind of poetic. However, I can equally see Jean prioritizing his connection with Armin in spite of any ideological divide between the two of them–and there is, based the events surrounding Reiner’s capture in chapter 83, the potential that Jean is shifting into a more tactical mindset such as Armin has.

I’m sorry, this probably wasn’t the answer you (or any of my fellow Jearmin fans) were looking for, but if you want a full explanation for my thinking I’ve typed it all out under the cut. :( As always, feel free to discuss, raise counterpoints, and offer alternative readings!

When we last saw ourWalldian heroes, Eren, Mikasa, and Armin were already starting to disconnect on the question of sacrifice. Armin was able to sacrifice himselfand his personal dream of seeing the ocean in order to defeat Bertolt, andMikasa was eventually able to accept Armin’s sacrifice when Hange and Levidiscussed reviving Erwin instead, but Eren absolutely could not let Armin go.Ultimately, the decision to save Armin instead of Erwin fell entirely toLevi, but we see a lack of alignment in ideology between the three friendshappening on that rooftop that haunts their confrontation with Floch in chapter 90.

Floch praising Mikasa for having let Armin go, chapter 90.

Additionally, Eren has theorized that he can activate the Coordinate that currently lies dormant within him if he touches someone of royal blood while they are a titan (the published edition says “consumes,” but Isayama has apparently corrected this mistake, which also exists in the Japanese version of the chapter). Just as he was unable to give up on Armin while he lay dying on the rooftop, Eren resolves that he simply cannot sacrifice Historia, even if doing so would give him the Coordinate’s full powers.

Chapter 89. Eren tries to tell himself he’s not 100% sure that titanizing Historia would actually allow him to use the Coordinate anyway. Armin looks at him suspiciously. Eren decides to keep his new theory a secret from everyone, including Armin.

Chapter 90. “But I’m not prepared to sacrifice Historia.”

Now it’s not clear to me that Armin and Mikasa necessarilywould be willing to sacrifice Historia, only that Eren must suspect them of being able to do so, or else he wouldn’t keep his theory such a secret. He feels he cannot tell anyone without risking Historia’s life. What is very interesting to me is that Eren is specifically suspicious of what the Corps will do to Historia, and that his decision not to reveal his idea to Armin and Mikasa means that he sees them as completely aligned with their chosen military branch. They proved their loyalty through their sacrifice: Eren, who was unable to give up Armin for Erwin, suddenly feels distanced from the very group he spent the first half of the series lionizing as the paragons of freedom. Whether or not Mikasa and Armin would actually be willing to go to such extremes to win the war against Marley, Eren has seen them sacrifice so much and feels disconnected with them on this specific issue, creating a frisson which, quite frankly, we can already feel.

Which brings us to Jean, Attack on Titan’s harshest critic of sacrificing others for a cause and compromising on one’s moral convictions, and the person who has been the most vocal about his doubts concerning the Survey Corps’ methodology over the course of the series. Ifdisagreement over the value of sacrifice is to be the primary source of tension amongthe Shiganshina Trio, I am not entirely sure that Jean will “side” with Armin, at least ideologically–it will depend on which way his arc of development is leaning. Jean’s guidebook entry speculates that he is still struggling with killing other people, even enemy combatants such as a Reiner. Of course, Reiner is a particularly complicated case because he was once Jean’s comrade, but Jean has always had the hardest time harming other people, and I never thought his qualms were “settled” by killing someone in the Reiss Family Chapel in order to rescue Eren. 

Jean kills someone for the first time, chapter 64. 

Jean is incredibly upset when he thinks he’s killed Reiner, chapter 77.

Jean stops Hange from killing Reiner, chapter 83. 

This last scene with Reiner presents some problems of interpretation for me, because even though Jean saves Reiner’s life, it’s framed as a temporary reprieve. He asks Hange to wait so that the Survey Corps can administer the Titan Serum to someone and have them eat Reiner in order to gain his shifter abilities. It is Hange who hesitates, Hange who would rather kill Reiner than force another person to take on the burden of being a titan (and at this point, the Survey Corps don’t even know about the Curse of Ymir!), although Hange is also weighing the pros and cons of just removing Reiner from the field completely by killing him. When Hange expresses doubt that the conditions for using the Titan Serum have not been met, Jean suggests that the Walled World is losing because they’re not willing to play by their enemies’ rules.

Chapter 83.

Here, as I’ve suggested in previous metas, Jean seems to be moving closer to Armin’s way of thinking, at least on the surface. Armin is not ruthless, but he has suggested that in order to “win” the war with the titans, some people are going to have to dirty their hands. In this moment, Jean makes a very Armin-like suggestion, and even chides Hange for not being willing to take a risk to acquire another shifter–a huge asset for the now decimated Survey Corps.

Chapter 83.

Of course, which way Jean is leaning ideologically depends on what exactly his motivations were for stepping in and preventing Hange from killing Reiner. Is he primarily motivated by a desire to gain another shifter, or is he grasping at straws because he’s not ready to see Reiner die? I think it could be a bit of both, and not much clarity is offered as the scene progresses.

Chapter 83. 

Is Jean questioning why he would argue for Reiner’s strategic value, or questioning why he would step in to help Reiner? Personally, I’m currently leaning a little bit towards the latter reading of these panels, because of the way Jean berates himself after Reiner is rescued by Zeke. He clearly blames himself for preventing Hange from killing Reiner, even if he did have a rationale.

Chapter 84.

Evidently, the value of sacrifice is still an open question for Jean, even though he certainly admires Armin’s resolve and understands that Armin has made sacrifices primarily for the good of the group. This scene in Shiganshina echoes Jean’s guilt over forcing Armin’s hand when he himself is unable to kill an MP, even at the potential cost of his own life.  He feels like he has failed his friends and failed the team in his commitment to a very rigid system of ethics. However, while Levi agrees that Jean’s hesitation put the whole squad at risk, he doesn’t pronounce that Jean’s values are therefore incorrect, leaving Jean room to continue questioning what he should do in any given situation.

Chapter 59. 

Given events in recent chapters, Jean has clearly not put his doubts to rest, and Levi implies that there may even be value in allowing them to continue existing even if that ultimately puts Jean at odds with the Survey Corps and even society writ large. To echo Armin’s words to Annie before the Battle of Stohess, Jean’s inability to sacrifice people and fully incorporate into the Survey Corps may make him a “bad soldier” for the Corps, but a “good person” in other situations. Jean can choose with whom he wants to ally himself; for the remainder of the Uprising it is with the Survey Corps, but he could change his position. And if Eren is also beginning to doubt, to resist sacrificing everything in order to fully commit to the cause, I can see a situation where Jean and Eren are ultimately allies. 

None of this is to say, of course, that Armin doesn’t struggle with these questions himself, or that Jean doesn’t potentially have Armin’s back irregardless of their differing view points. Jean clearly loves Armin (however you want to interpret that love: platonic, romantic, whatever) and feels incredibly guilty when Armin stains his hands with the blood Jean could not bring himself to draw, even at risk to his own life.

Chapter 59. 

Jean does not turn away from Armin or judge him at this moment; he primarily feels guilt (although, Jean was under attack, so I hesitate that the fault entirely lies with him) that he has caused Armin this intense emotional pain. Also Armin wrestles with the reality of having killed someone, someone who was herself a human, who also hesitated to shoot her enemy. Eren may, in fact, be overestimating Armin’s ability to sacrifice, and Armin and Jean may actually never fall out, particularly if Jean is sliding into a more nuanced vision of the world which can accommodate some sacrifice even if it rejects total commitment to a cause.

Ultimately, I think, Jean, Armin, Eren, and Mikasa are all going to be faced with the question of how far they’re willing to go in the service of the Survey Corps and in the service of the Walldians more generally. How they respond to this pressure will likely determine their future alliances, but I will say that I do not think they are set in stone. Although Eren and Jean disagree a lot at the beginning of the story, they come to meet in the middle, with Jean seeing some value in fighting for a cause while Eren has tried to be more responsible to his comrades and to think before he acts. They both struggle with compromising their ethics, and I think there’s a way in which they may ultimately be the most closely aligned of the remaining characters in the upcoming arc. Although I think both of them care for Armin a great deal, one can see the potential cracks in their friendship. What Isayama will actually decide to do, however … I can’t really say. 

Thanks for the note, anon. Sorry it kinda turned into me chewing over this issue; I’ve been doing a great deal of thinking on this matter, and I can’t come to any easy answers about what is going to happen; all I can say is that I don’t think Eren and Armin growing apart automatically means Jean will step up to fill Eren’s place at Armin’s side. It all depends on what exactly is at stake in their disagreement. 

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

The Vindication of Venom Part 10: Diving Deeper

Part 9

Part 11

We’ve established that Brock was a delusional psychotic but there is in fact much more to his psychology that has to examined if we are to address the criticism in question.

 ·         Eddie Brock’s motivations for hating Spider-Man are weak and make no sense

Whether you believe Brock was always delusional or that his delusions began upon the loss of his career, it wasn’t as though he was one symbiote away from being the homicidal maniac we meet in ASM #300.

  Indeed, it is possible to argue that Brock was not truly mentally unstable at the time that he began blaming Spider-Man for his job loss, merely that he was in denial over it being his fault.* However whether you believe that or not there is no doubt that he was clearly mentally unstable and truly delusional by the time the symbiote found him, and that it was in this state that they gave birth to Venom.

 Brock came to be in this disturbed state not so much because of the loss of his job in and of itself, but from the life he led in response to his ruined career. It was this that truly drove him into the depths of depravity and cemented his delusions along with his burning hatred of Spider-Man.

 For starters Brock’s life fell apart, which would already put a massive strain on anyone’s mind. This would be an especially big blow if we believe that he really did have a prestigious career as he claimed and was now facing accusations on ethical grounds. However to merely survive he had to demean himself to trite articles about trivial matters such as celebrity scandals. This would give his ego, self-esteem and general mental stability another blow. Again this would’ve hit home even harder if you run with the idea that he had begun as successful and respected news journalist to a major metropolitan newspaper.

 One might also argue that long-term exposure to such seedy material could also have poisoned (if you’ll pardon the pun) Brock in regards to his mental health. This is not dissimilar to how police officers exposed to horrific crimes can be mentally affected by what they see. The same can be true of soldiers.** Brock even touches on this notion when he says: 

And the garbage I was forced to write began to rot my soul.

 Not helping matters was the apparent isolation Brock experienced. I don’t just mean being shunned by his colleagues (or as we later find out, by his ex-wife and father) I mean looking at the flashback images they paint a picture of Brock as truly having no one in his life. No friends, no other colleagues, nobody, at least nobody he’d have any kind of comforting connection to. The impression given is that he was just by himself doing little except furiously exercising, writing mean spirited drivel, and ruminating upon his misfortunes and the causes of them, all of which is obviously unhealthy.

 When in such a dark place in his life and surrounded by little but ‘venomous’ articles and his own frustrated and tormented thoughts (many of which focused upon hating Spider-Man) Brock’s mind likely magnified his negative feelings. In doing so he reinforced his beliefs and by extension exacerbated the mental instability he was suffering from; almost like a psychological echo chamber. If I am not mistaken, in psychology this would be referred to as ‘positive reinforcement’, although the things it is positively reinforcing are negative thoughts and behaviours.

 This is likely the reason that all of Brock’s exercise didn’t  relieve his stress. And given just how much muscle he had, he was he was obviously doing a lot of exercise, giving us an indication of just how  incredibly stressed, frustrated and otherwise negative he was.

 Indeed the degree to which Brock exercised, the way he describes violently hurting Spider-Man and the wall of news clippings about Spidey he possessed speaks to someone with an obvious unhealthy obsession. Brock again admits as much about this when he claims the headlines on his wall ‘fed his hatred’, as much a constant reminder of what he’d lost as his seething hatred for Spider-Man.

 Essentially Brock was in a vicious cycle that simultaneously made him more and more mentally unstable and reinforced his irrational delusions about himself and his hatred for the Wall-Crawler. Add on a Catholic upbringing that seems to have provided a problematic way for Brock to contextualize the world and you have a recipe for disaster.

 And at first that disaster took the form of Brock seriously considering suicide, which truly speaks to how mentally fragile he really was at the point where he encountered the symbiote.

 Is it honestly any wonder that someone under these conditions might irrationally blame someone else for their misfortunes and then fan the flame of that blame into an obsessive hatred?

 I’ll go a step further. Does this truly make for such a ‘weak’ motivation from a creative point of view?

There are other cases real and fictional that echo Brock’s actions, at least as far as his irrational delusions and scapegoating blame are concerned.

 In the excellent animated television series Gargoyles (courtesy of Greg Weisman, of Spectacular Spider-Man and Young Justice fame), the villainess Demona seeks to give her people (the eponymous gargoyle creatures) dominion over the castle they share with medieval humans, whom she has little love for. To this end she arranges for the castle to be invaded by Vikings, the intention being that they would rid the castle of the humans leaving her people in peace. 

However, things go awry and her own people wind up massacred. Whilst initially seeming to blame herself, she quickly shifts all the blame she quickly shifts all blame onto the humans who actually perpetrated the massacre and by extension all humanity. She accepted little-no responsibility as the true instigator of her people’s demise, spending centuries blaming others.

Both Emil Gregg and Stan Carter themselves in fact present cases of delusional and mentally unstable individuals. 

From a sane and rational point of view anyone looking at either character must ask why precisely Gregg would ever believe himself to be a mass murderer when he has no evidence of that beyond hearing plans for some attacks that eventually took place. 

And in Carter’s case, why would he think it was a good idea to kill people merely because they were soft on crime, especially when he was himself a police officer and could probably be tougher on crime himself in various ways?

Well in the former’s case ‘he was crazy’ (in what way I do not recall ever being specified) and in the latter’s he was also mentally ill due to experimental drugs.

In fact at one point during the Death of Jean DeWolff arc, the story goes out of it’s way to point out how Sin Eater is a ‘religious lunatic’. It presents Carter himself basically outright stating that his rationale for killing only makes sense to himself. He does this whilst confessing to a Priest, claiming his actions have religious righteousness behind them. Then he kills said priest, which one would imagine is at least a little hypocritical of him. 

Retroactively the same came be said of Carter’s murder of Jean DeWolff herself. In a sequel story called ‘the Return of Sin Eater’, Peter David (author of the original story) had Carter claim that he and Jean were lovers. 

It is arguable that this was a claim born of Carter’s disturbed mind. However if taken at face value Carter’s decision to kill someone he cared about (maybe even loved) seems rather confusing from a rational point of view.

Additionally Gregg was on some level aware that the priest in question was a target for murder and admitted he tried to warn him but did so in a vague, indirect way, claiming he couldn’t bring himself to confess. Isn’t this arguably just a little illogical on his part?

En masse readers of the time and later years have accepted Gregg and Carter’s motivations as perfectly valid for their actions. Indeed the story that both characters were vital parts of (‘The Death of Jean DeWolff’) has been acclaimed since its publication in the mid-1980s.

Yet despite both of them being directly referenced in Venom’s origin, Eddie Brock similarly being mentally unstable and that instability being inherently linked to his hatred of Spidey, Venom’s origin and motives are regarded as an unacceptably weak. It doesn’t make a lot of sense.

In fact there are villains a plenty in superhero fiction who, like Brock, take up a vendetta against people for reasons which boil down to them looking for someone to blame and/or their own issues; which can include mental instability.

Perhaps the prime examples from the Spider-Man franchise are J. Jonah Jameson, Harry Osborn and Norman Osborn, all generally popular characters.

Jameson of course hinges a lot of his career and reputation on the ruination, capture or sometimes even death of Spider-Man to the point of where it is truly irrational. There has never been a truly definitive answer on that one and the answers we have gotten boil down to Jonah having serious issues. But these answers don’t make Jonah’s actions any less irrational or unreasonable. Especially when he is literally creating super villains like the Scorpion to capture someone he simply doesn’t like for no valid reason.

It is curious how readers accept one person with a flattop haircut having a seething and irrational hatred for Spider-Man but not another one. Especially when that other one is so over the edge that he wants to violently murder the wall-crawler and considered suicide?

Harry Osborn of course was a drug addict in his youth, but as we later found out was also himself in denial (and possibly delusional) about the nature of his upbringing. Whilst he’d believed for years that he and his father had a friendly relationship flashbacks revealed that to not be the case. Norman Osborn was at times distant and at other times critical and abusive.

In the iconic Amazing Spider-Man #122 Harry witnessed the ‘final’ battle between Spider-Man and his father Norman Osborn/the green Goblin, wherein the latter tried to impale Spidey in the back with a glider. Of course Spider-Man dodged thanks to his Spider Sense and Norman was seemingly killed instead.

Despite witnessing this scene (and being aware of his father’s murder of his friend Gwen Stacy) Harry unabashedly blamed Spider-Man  for his father’s death. Initially the story culminated in Harry being taken to a mental institution and despite recovering, in later life he relapsed and was clearly mentally unstable.

In Norman’s case he was explicitly implied to be insane in ASM #40.

Later in ASM #121 Norman blames Harry’s drug problems not on Harry himself, nor on his own failure as a father, but on Harry’s friends, especially Peter.

In the 1990s one shot ‘the Osborn Journal’ Norman does something similar. Not only does he blame Mary Jane  for Harry’s drug problems, but he also blames Peter for driving Harry to his death. Harry had used a new version of the strength enhancing Goblin formula that proved toxic to his system. Norman was fully aware of these facts and yet instead of attributing blame to himself or Harry he blamed Peter Parker.

In both cases we have clearly mentally unhinged individuals who are blaming Peter Parker for bad things in their life which rationally it is at best difficult to truly hold him accountable to.***

J.R. Fettinger (whom I’ve cited before in this series) not only finds these motives for both characters logical, but also  (rightly) celebrates Norman Osborn as a great and complex villain character. He is not alone as I’ve yet to encounter anyone who finds these motivations illogical or examples of poor writing. But despite Venom being far from dissimilar to either character Fettinger and other readers still hold him in contempt on both counts.

To be fair, their problems with the character and issue as a whole might lie less with recognizing Brock’s mental instability and more with his seemingly flimsy reasons for targeting Spider-Man specifically.

That’s okay though, because that’s the subject of the next instalment.

*I find this very unlikely personally. I think Brock was delusional to some degree when he lost his job and just got worse.

**This is partially why alcoholism and other substance abuses can be prevalence among the police officers and soldiers.

***I admit that Norman and Harry Osborn’s vendettas against Spider-Man began in the 1960s-1970s when writing standards for comics were not what they were by the time ASM #300 was published. However both characters had revivals as villains in the 1990s and those old vendettas revisited and expanded. 

P.S. The symbiote’s interactions with Brock and it’s unnatural presence as a part of his mind and body probably wasn’t going to help his state of mind given it’s fragility at that point in time. 

Part 9

Part 11

[chamerionwrites]

I’m not taking factual issue with Galen’s statement; I’m perfectly willing to believe that another scientist could have built the Death Star if he hadn’t (though I absolute believe Galen’s refusal would have delayed them; the Empire wouldn’t have wasted the time and effort to track him down if there had been other researchers they could easily have replaced him with). I’m taking ETHICAL issue with it. “If I hadn’t done it, someone else would have” is not a particularly strong moral argument. At all.

He is the galaxy’s foremost scientific expert on kyber crystals. He knows EXACTLY what their destructive potential is, and exactly what the Empire wants him to build. That’s why he ran away from them in the first place. The entire first scene of the movie (and the entirety of Catalyst, for those who have read the novel) establishes that Galen fled from the Empire because he didn’t want to help them build the Death Star – aka, a weapon specifically designed for its capacity to destroy planets and thus cow the galaxy into order and submission.

I am not demanding suicide and I am certainly not lionizing death. I’m talking about principled refusal, and it’s disingenuous to conflate the two as if praise of the latter is glorifying the former. There have been many, many people in real life who have refused to comply with fascist governments, knowing that it would – immediately or later – result in their deaths. They were not “copping out” and they certainly were not making a non-choice, or failing to act. They were choosing to refuse. And yes, that is ABSOLUTELY an assertion of agency. It’s honestly pretty offensive to suggest otherwise. (It’s also moving the goalposts of your argument; a few posts up you were praising heroism that no one ever sees and that makes no difference, and now you’re saying that heroism that doesn’t matter to the world at large is taking the easy way out in favor of preserving your own idea of innocence.) You’ll note that I took particular care to state that refusal to comply is not the answer for every person in every scenario every time. I didn’t even demand that this is what Galen should have done. All I said was that if you’re going to talk about the range of moral options that are available to people who live under oppressive totalitarian governments, you can’t leave that one out of the equation.

But in truth, all of this is ranging pretty far from my original point. Which is, in a nutshell:

1. When you’re making end-justifies-the-means moral arguments - and the rationale for Galen’s choices follows that basic pattern - it’s extremely important to weigh the question of what happens if those means do not achieve the desired end. But, by virtue of the fact that we all already know Galen’s gamble succeeds, Rogue One evades this question. We should ask it of ourselves.

2. It’s a more than a bit weird to frame the assassination of a man who built a planet-killer for a totalitarian regime as morally ambiguous (and it is) if you don’t ALSO frame the act of building a planet-killer for a totalitarian regime as morally ambiguous (because it is!).

That’s it. That’s my point. I’m not making definitive demands about what Galen should or should not have done, which I think is difficult to do with the very limited information we have about his thought process and motivations, or indeed about the exact situation in which he found himself. I am simply suggesting that, given the option to put a hit out on a guy building the means of mass genocide for a genocidal dictatorship, a lot of us would probably find that to be one of the easier Shady Ruthless Wartime Decisions to make, on a list of shady ruthless wartime decisions. That doesn’t mean it isn’t shady or ruthless or that wartime doesn’t constrain people’s options to bad ones.

That’s it.

I’m not saying “Galen Erso is the Worst Person Ever and he deserves to die.”

I’m saying “In the desperate high-stakes wartime scenario we’re presented with, I have a hard time getting worked up over the fact that someone (especially someone with no real reason to know that Galen is working under duress) might try to kill him.”

I’m obviously kinda head over heels for Rogue One. I also think it’s worthwhile to acknowledge that good storytelling sometimes involves choosing to trim things for reasons of focus or pacing. Still, I think one of the facets of its story the movie doesn’t engage with very deeply is the moral ambiguity of Galen Erso - and by extension, the ambiguity of Cassian’s mission and Draven’s orders.

Because I mean…look. The audience is clearly intended to understand Galen as a tragic figure, and clearly we all have the benefit of hindsight (foresight?) here: almost anyone who hasn’t been living under a rock for the past 40 years is aware that his sabotage gambit works. But no one in-universe knows that - arguably, the Alliance doesn’t even have reason to suspect that Galen Erso isn’t working for the Empire of his own free will - and when you stop to look at it, “If I didn’t build it, someone else would have” is a pretty flimsy moral justification (the narrative itself implicitly questions whether Galen’s moral logic actually holds up in the face of the carnage the Death Star unleashes, by laying his message and the destruction of Jedha directly atop one another). As Cassian says: he did build it. I’m not even sure this point needs belaboring; had Nazi Germany even come close to developing an atom bomb I can’t imagine many of us would take major moral issue with, say, assassinating Werner Heisenberg (fun fact: the OSS came extremely close to doing exactly that). 

And yet there is a moral ambiguity here. No one feels it more keenly than Cassian himself, given how agonized about his orders he is from the very first moment. It’s just that the ambiguity doesn’t necessarily lie in the same place the movie frames it. The narrative uses the what of Cassian’s mission - covert assassination - as a shorthand to signify shadiness, without bothering to parse precisely how it’s shady. But it’s the how that’s shady AF. It’s the fact that a general-spymaster is making unilateral policy decisions behind Alliance leadership’s backs because he thinks he knows best (the fact that the Rebellion has a deep state before it’s even…well…a state doesn’t bode well for the New Republic, I’m just sayin’).* It’s making Jyn unknowingly complicit in her father’s death by using her to find Galen while at the same time telling her that they’re trying to save him, which is…really cold, at the very least.

I guess what I’m trying to say is it’s not hard to make a compelling case that when a genocidal fascist empire comes knocking and demands you build them the means to commit atrocities, your highest moral duty is to tell them NO. And it would have been nice if the movie had teased out that strand of its storyline a little further, given how closely the action and character arcs hinge on the Eadu scenes.

*Worth pointing out that alternative option we’re presented with to contrast Draven’s assassination plan - bring Galen to Coruscant (?!?!?!!!!) to testify before the (powerless, dissolved at Palpatine’s whim like two weeks after the events of the movie) Senate - is straight-up NONSENSICAL. There’s no reason to believe this is the only alternative option, but still. What are you smoking, @ Mon Mothma.

[kristablogs]

The CDC’s new COVID-19 testing guidelines could make the pandemic worse

Experts worry that the decision is based more in politics than scientific fact. (Photographer: James Gathany/)

Follow all of PopSci’s COVID-19 coverage here, including tips on cleaning groceries, ways to tell if your symptoms are just allergies, and a tutorial on making your own mask.

American policy surrounding COVID-19 has been nearly universally confusing, and yesterday things became even more mangled. A controversial change in the CDC’s coronavirus testing policy makes it so that fewer people require COVID-19 tests, even as rates and deaths climb across the country with no end in sight.

Prior to this week, the CDC recommended that anyone who had been in close contact with an infected person should get tested, regardless of whether they showed symptoms or not. Now, the government agency says only folks displaying symptoms should seek a coronavirus test.

The updated guidelines, made in conjunction with the White House Coronavirus Task Force, are supposedly in place to put more emphasis on testing patients with symptomatic illness, individuals with significant exposure, and vulnerable populations, CDC Director Robert Redfield told CNN. Today, he clarified that everyone who “needs” a COVID-19 test can get access to one, but not everyone who “wants” one.

Following the announcement, a number of public health experts cast doubts about the effectiveness of this new policy. So called asymptomatic spreaders (people who show no signs of infection but still test positive) account for as much as 40 percent of coronavirus cases. And many argue that this new recommendation could falsely decrease the number of reported cases in the United States. The fewer people that get tested, the fewer cases the public will know about.

Further, Anthony Fauci, the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases and a key member of the White House’s coronavirus task force, was under anesthesia undergoing planned vocal cord surgery when the final decisions were announced. Here’s everything else you need to know and what it means for you.

What exactly are the changes?

Until yesterday, the CDC recommended testing for COVID-19 for all close contacts of someone who had the infection, whether or not they had symptoms. A big reason for this is because asymptomatic carriers are big players in spreading the virus unknowingly, leading to case surges after weddings, parties, and gatherings. People who didn’t know they were positive attended the events and spread it to other guests. Testing all folks exposed to the virus helps identify these potential silent spreaders.

The new changes to guidelines recommend you only get tested if you have symptoms, if you’ve been cozied up within six feet of a confirmed positive case for at least 15 minutes, or if your local healthcare provider recommends it. The updated CDC site reads “not everyone needs to be tested.”

Scientists say people with potential COVID-19 exposure should be tested more, not less

Unsurprisingly, experts across the country are already speaking out objecting the more relaxed new guidelines. Major organizations like the American Medical Association and the Infectious Disease Society of America put out official statements against the change yesterday.

“Testing asymptomatic individuals who have been exposed to a person with COVID-19 remains a critical evidence-based strategy for containing the pandemic and reducing transmission,” the ISDA wrote in a statement. AMA president Susan Bailey went a step further by asking the CDC to release any scientific evidence that supports the change.

One reason behind the new guidelines has been stated to focus on “vulnerable” populations, which would only be justifiable if there was a shortage of testing resources, says Leana Wen, an emergency physician and public health professor at George Washington University who previously served as Baltimore’s Health Commissioner. There’s been no such mention of such a shortage.

“If they came out and said [testing resources were in low stock], I think people would have a better understanding,” Wen says. “If that’s the actual justification, that’s understandable. But they should not be implying that asymptomatic people don’t need testing, which is what the implication is here.”

Another defense of the change is that a negative test might not mean that you are negative—especially if you get tested right after contact. But if that’s the case, Wen says, people who have been in contact with a positive person should be tested more, not less.

Other public health experts affirm that testing and quarantining if you come into contact with a COVID-19 positive person—even if you don’t have symptoms—is crucial.

Is the decision political?

Politics have played a big role in many countries’ successes and failures across the globe. And for countries that have successfully lowered their COVID-19 cases against the virus, testing has often played a big role. After all, trying to solve this dilemma without mass testing is kind of like “fighting a fire blindfolded,” World Health Organization director Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus said back in March.

But, the more testing is done, the more cases we will discover, a statement President Donald Trump has made several times., He has publicly stated that he’d like to slow down cases to keep official case counts low. When questioned further if his statements were a joke back in June, he told CBS’ Weijia Jiang “I don’t kid.” Additionally, a CDC official told CNN that the new guidelines came from “the top down.”

“The idea that we should be testing people less and not more is not only pure craziness, but seems to be in line with Trump’s claim that he’s asked his people to slow down testing,” says Craig Spencer, the director of global health in emergency medicine at Columbia University.

George Washington’s Wen adds there wasn’t a press release or official statement that accompanied the website change. Instead the new guidelines were thrown suspiciously onto the website “in the dark of the night.”

NIH leader Fauci was not present at the meeting where the new testing guidelines were being discussed, and instead was undergoing a planned surgery. However, he had seen an “earlier iteration” of the guidelines and posed no opposition.

“I am concerned about the interpretation of these recommendations and worried it will give people the incorrect assumption that asymptomatic spread is not of great concern. In fact it is,” Fauci told CNN.

Several governors, including Andrew Cuomo of the once hotspot New York, have decided to ignore the CDC’s guidelines, sticking with previous testing advice.

“The only plausible rationale is that they want fewer people taking tests, because as the president has said, if we don’t take tests, you won’t know the number of people who are Covid-positive,” Cuomo told The New York Times. Kentucky governor Andy Beshear and California governor Gavin Newsom echoed similar sentiments.

But even with these statements, local healthcare providers and state officials look to the CDC for guidance. Now, they are swimming in confusing murky waters when it comes to making decisions. Wen says, the credibility of the CDC, once the “premier health agency in the world”, will likely be tainted by this decision.

“If it’s not based on science, what is the motive behind this?” Wen says. “And what does that do for the credibility of this institution, and of public health in this time when we need that credibility the most?”

Long-term impacts of less testing

Without testing, asymptomatic cases fall through the cracks. And every time this happens, there’s a huge risk of spread. With less testing, Wen says, there will be more spread that could’ve been prevented, and we’ve already seen that happen in many regions of the country.

“We’ve already seen what happens when we don’t have the testing that we need,” says Wen, “which is community spread happens all around us, and before we know it, a single case turns into a cluster, a cluster turns into an outbreak, and an outbreak turns into an epidemic.”

We know that at least 30 or 40 percent of COVID-19 cases consist of asymptomatic carriers, says Spencer. So, a blanket statement of just quarantine might not be enough to keep potential carriers in lockdown. But an actual positive test can give people the motivation to stay in quarantine and not spread it further. The fewer tests we do, the fewer people have that bonus push to really stay in lockdown.

An additional repercussion of not doing enough testing is putting long-term cases, or people who continue to suffer even after they’ve recovered from COVID-19, in the horrible position of possibly never having a test to confirm that they even had the disease that in some cases may leave them with chronic suffering, says Spencer.

Spencer saw this firsthand in the treatment of patients during the early stages of outbreaks in New York City, where the patient obviously was ill but the resources to test them were unavailable. Now, in accessing care, these people have little evidence to hold up having COVID-19, and with fewer tests, more people are at risk of facing the same difficulties.

While it may feel hopeless to see all of this unfold, just remember that you can still take responsibility in securing the health of yourself and the people you love. Keep wearing masks, get takeout instead of sitting down at a restaurant, and take quarantine seriously even if you can’t, or don’t, get a positive test back.

[scootoaster]

The CDC’s new COVID-19 testing guidelines could make the pandemic worse

Experts worry that the decision is based more in politics than scientific fact. (Photographer: James Gathany/)

Follow all of PopSci’s COVID-19 coverage here, including tips on cleaning groceries, ways to tell if your symptoms are just allergies, and a tutorial on making your own mask.

American policy surrounding COVID-19 has been nearly universally confusing, and yesterday things became even more mangled. A controversial change in the CDC’s coronavirus testing policy makes it so that fewer people require COVID-19 tests, even as rates and deaths climb across the country with no end in sight.

Prior to this week, the CDC recommended that anyone who had been in close contact with an infected person should get tested, regardless of whether they showed symptoms or not. Now, the government agency says only folks displaying symptoms should seek a coronavirus test.

The updated guidelines, made in conjunction with the White House Coronavirus Task Force, are supposedly in place to put more emphasis on testing patients with symptomatic illness, individuals with significant exposure, and vulnerable populations, CDC Director Robert Redfield told CNN. Today, he clarified that everyone who “needs” a COVID-19 test can get access to one, but not everyone who “wants” one.

Following the announcement, a number of public health experts cast doubts about the effectiveness of this new policy. So called asymptomatic spreaders (people who show no signs of infection but still test positive) account for as much as 40 percent of coronavirus cases. And many argue that this new recommendation could falsely decrease the number of reported cases in the United States. The fewer people that get tested, the fewer cases the public will know about.

Further, Anthony Fauci, the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases and a key member of the White House’s coronavirus task force, was under anesthesia undergoing planned vocal cord surgery when the final decisions were announced. Here’s everything else you need to know and what it means for you.

What exactly are the changes?

Until yesterday, the CDC recommended testing for COVID-19 for all close contacts of someone who had the infection, whether or not they had symptoms. A big reason for this is because asymptomatic carriers are big players in spreading the virus unknowingly, leading to case surges after weddings, parties, and gatherings. People who didn’t know they were positive attended the events and spread it to other guests. Testing all folks exposed to the virus helps identify these potential silent spreaders.

The new changes to guidelines recommend you only get tested if you have symptoms, if you’ve been cozied up within six feet of a confirmed positive case for at least 15 minutes, or if your local healthcare provider recommends it. The updated CDC site reads “not everyone needs to be tested.”

Scientists say people with potential COVID-19 exposure should be tested more, not less

Unsurprisingly, experts across the country are already speaking out objecting the more relaxed new guidelines. Major organizations like the American Medical Association and the Infectious Disease Society of America put out official statements against the change yesterday.

“Testing asymptomatic individuals who have been exposed to a person with COVID-19 remains a critical evidence-based strategy for containing the pandemic and reducing transmission,” the ISDA wrote in a statement. AMA president Susan Bailey went a step further by asking the CDC to release any scientific evidence that supports the change.

One reason behind the new guidelines has been stated to focus on “vulnerable” populations, which would only be justifiable if there was a shortage of testing resources, says Leana Wen, an emergency physician and public health professor at George Washington University who previously served as Baltimore’s Health Commissioner. There’s been no such mention of such a shortage.

“If they came out and said [testing resources were in low stock], I think people would have a better understanding,” Wen says. “If that’s the actual justification, that’s understandable. But they should not be implying that asymptomatic people don’t need testing, which is what the implication is here.”

Another defense of the change is that a negative test might not mean that you are negative—especially if you get tested right after contact. But if that’s the case, Wen says, people who have been in contact with a positive person should be tested more, not less.

Other public health experts affirm that testing and quarantining if you come into contact with a COVID-19 positive person—even if you don’t have symptoms—is crucial.

Is the decision political?

Politics have played a big role in many countries’ successes and failures across the globe. And for countries that have successfully lowered their COVID-19 cases against the virus, testing has often played a big role. After all, trying to solve this dilemma without mass testing is kind of like “fighting a fire blindfolded,” World Health Organization director Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus said back in March.

But, the more testing is done, the more cases we will discover, a statement President Donald Trump has made several times., He has publicly stated that he’d like to slow down cases to keep official case counts low. When questioned further if his statements were a joke back in June, he told CBS’ Weijia Jiang “I don’t kid.” Additionally, a CDC official told CNN that the new guidelines came from “the top down.”

“The idea that we should be testing people less and not more is not only pure craziness, but seems to be in line with Trump’s claim that he’s asked his people to slow down testing,” says Craig Spencer, the director of global health in emergency medicine at Columbia University.

George Washington’s Wen adds there wasn’t a press release or official statement that accompanied the website change. Instead the new guidelines were thrown suspiciously onto the website “in the dark of the night.”

NIH leader Fauci was not present at the meeting where the new testing guidelines were being discussed, and instead was undergoing a planned surgery. However, he had seen an “earlier iteration” of the guidelines and posed no opposition.

“I am concerned about the interpretation of these recommendations and worried it will give people the incorrect assumption that asymptomatic spread is not of great concern. In fact it is,” Fauci told CNN.

Several governors, including Andrew Cuomo of the once hotspot New York, have decided to ignore the CDC’s guidelines, sticking with previous testing advice.

“The only plausible rationale is that they want fewer people taking tests, because as the president has said, if we don’t take tests, you won’t know the number of people who are Covid-positive,” Cuomo told The New York Times. Kentucky governor Andy Beshear and California governor Gavin Newsom echoed similar sentiments.

But even with these statements, local healthcare providers and state officials look to the CDC for guidance. Now, they are swimming in confusing murky waters when it comes to making decisions. Wen says, the credibility of the CDC, once the “premier health agency in the world”, will likely be tainted by this decision.

“If it’s not based on science, what is the motive behind this?” Wen says. “And what does that do for the credibility of this institution, and of public health in this time when we need that credibility the most?”

Long-term impacts of less testing

Without testing, asymptomatic cases fall through the cracks. And every time this happens, there’s a huge risk of spread. With less testing, Wen says, there will be more spread that could’ve been prevented, and we’ve already seen that happen in many regions of the country.

“We’ve already seen what happens when we don’t have the testing that we need,” says Wen, “which is community spread happens all around us, and before we know it, a single case turns into a cluster, a cluster turns into an outbreak, and an outbreak turns into an epidemic.”

We know that at least 30 or 40 percent of COVID-19 cases consist of asymptomatic carriers, says Spencer. So, a blanket statement of just quarantine might not be enough to keep potential carriers in lockdown. But an actual positive test can give people the motivation to stay in quarantine and not spread it further. The fewer tests we do, the fewer people have that bonus push to really stay in lockdown.

An additional repercussion of not doing enough testing is putting long-term cases, or people who continue to suffer even after they’ve recovered from COVID-19, in the horrible position of possibly never having a test to confirm that they even had the disease that in some cases may leave them with chronic suffering, says Spencer.

Spencer saw this firsthand in the treatment of patients during the early stages of outbreaks in New York City, where the patient obviously was ill but the resources to test them were unavailable. Now, in accessing care, these people have little evidence to hold up having COVID-19, and with fewer tests, more people are at risk of facing the same difficulties.

While it may feel hopeless to see all of this unfold, just remember that you can still take responsibility in securing the health of yourself and the people you love. Keep wearing masks, get takeout instead of sitting down at a restaurant, and take quarantine seriously even if you can’t, or don’t, get a positive test back.

[lalka-laski]

The Day Before Thanksgiving = Slooooow Work Day

Have you ever been served breakfast in bed? On school days as a kid my mom would gently wake us up and ask us what we wanted for breakfast. Then she’d go downstairs to make it while we stole a few more minutes of sleep. She would then bring us up our bagel/pop tart/waffle/fill-in-the-blank and we’d eat it in bed. Wow, she was a saint. And if only I could still start my mornings that way...  What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked? I’m slowly getting into cooking, so every meal poses more than a few “challenges” for me lately. But I’m having fun with it and learning a lot!  Are you one to approach others, or let them approach you first? I almost exclusively have others approach me. There are two reasons behind this: 1) I’m introverted  2) I just have a very approachable look/energy. Seriously, strangers come up to me or sit down next to me and tell me very intimate details about their lives, completely unprompted! I guess it’s nice that I look like a friendly and trustworthy person, but it can feel overwhelming at times. Just the other day at Dunkin Donuts it took me 5 minutes just to place my coffee order because the guy behind the counter was telling me how sad he was that his girlfriend broke up with him. I was like “Uh I’m sorry dude, but did I ask??”  When was the last time you took painkillers? When I had oral surgery years ago Have you ever picked flowers out of someone else’s garden without asking? I might have as a kid

What is your favorite thing to do as a little kid? I was- and still am- a huge bookworm, so reading was always a favorite activity. I also had a wildly active imagination, so I could entertain myself for hours living out fantasies in my head. I used to pretend I was a pioneer girl like the characters in my favorite books, and I’d make dirt and grass “soup” and pretend to churn butter in a bucket. Good times lol.  Are holidays as fun for you now as they were when you were younger? They’ve definitely lost some of the “magic” since I’ve grown up, but that’s true of most things. But I still really enjoy the holidays and I cherish the time spent with my family. Plus now I have a partner with whom to share all these traditions (and build new ones!) and that’s such a gift. I have a feeling this holiday season is gonna be one of my best yet.  Do you find non-fiction to be boring? What a silly question. That’s like asking “do you find movies to be boring?” Non-fiction is just an umbrella term encompassing an infinite number of sub-genres and topics. To find that “boring” would be saying that there’s not a single topic on earth you find interesting.  Are you a punctual person? Or are you always late? I’m very punctual, usually early. It’s the anxiety! :)  Do you own a thesaurus? Do you actually use it? I used to, but nowadays I just have Thesaurus.com bookmarked. And it’s almost always in an open tab. #WriterLife  Do you ever write your own short stories? Funny you should ask, ha! I wrote tons as a kid and I had a Creative Writing concentration, so I wrote plenty for assignments in college. I’d love to say that’s still something I actively do but sadly, it’s not. Time to change that... 

Have you ever won money by entering a contest/raffle? Not cash money but I’ve won prizes  Have you ever lost something very valuable? My dignity? Ha I’m just kidding. I still have a few shreds of that. Otherwise I can’t think of anything majorly valuable that I’ve lost.  Have you ever lost something with a lot of sentimental value? I’m an extreeeemely emotional person and I collect/keep everything of sentimental value. The only objects that I regret throwing away are some journals from my youth. I still have most of them, but there were a few I deemed too embarrassing or incriminating to save. I’d give anything to leaf through one of those now... Have you ever been close to drowning? That’s a horrifying thought. Thank God I never have.  Have you ever had a panic attack? Yes.... What stores do you go into when you go to mall? I have a problem where I insist on browsing in nearly every store, even knowing full well I’ll never buy anything. It ends up a huge waste of time. I’m trying to get better about just setting a plan for myself on a shopping trip and only hitting the stores I KNOW I’ll buy from.  Do you ever stop to eat in the food court? Yeah! Just the other day my sister and I ate some very disappointing pizza and fries.  Do you find it easy to relate to other people? I’m empathetic and I always seek to understand and relate.  Who is your favorite philosopher? I can’t say I have one What is your favorite song to sing? Whatever is stuck in my head at any given moment. I love to sing! (Doesn’t mean I’m *good* but...)  Do you consciously try to be unique, or do you just be you? Interesting question. I don’t like to feel the need to be mainstream just for the sake of it but at the same time, I don’t feel the need to deviate from the mainstream just for the sake of it.  Do you worry about being judged by other people? Only every moment of every day  If someone doesn’t like you, do you usually want to know the reason? Oh of course. And I’ll torture myself reliving every mistake I’ve ever made in my life until I find out why  When was the last time you told someone something really important? Yesterday maybe?  Have you ever lost a large amount of money? Nothing more than about $40. Which is still valuable, don’t get me wrong Have you ever tried to blame something you did on someone else? Well I grew up with two sisters so, of course.  Did that person get in trouble, or did the plan fail? We all had our failures and victories... 

What is the weirdest hairstyle you have ever had? Well I was a tween at the height of Lizzie McGuire’s popularity, so I was definitely a fan of crimped hair. But not totally crimped, no no. Just random stray pieces here and there with no rhyme or reason. And don’t forget the butterfly clips!  Describe the ugliest pair of shoes you own? I don’t own any shoes that I consider ugly. Why would I buy shoes I didn’t like?  How many times a day do you look in the mirror? For how long? I have a slight phobia of mirrors. Well, not a phobia, but I have obsessive tendencies about my appearance so it’s best for me to avoid my reflection as often as possible. For that reason, I don’t look in mirrors often.  Are you ashamed to leave the house when not looking your best? I give less and less of a shit lately. It’s freeing  If you are antisocial, WHY are you that way? I’m not. Would you describe yourself as modest? Modesty is a concept steeped in misogyny and it’s one I certainly don’t endorse. These days I probably *could* be described as modest just as far as my lifestyle and clothing choices BUT.... ya girl used to be a huge slut. And I don’t regret it. I support women making their own, informed decisions and doing whatever makes them comfortable!  What is your favorite singer? Bowie, of course! If you could relive one day from last year, what day would it be? Why? There’s one day, one small incident, that I’d kind of like to do-over. But that’s it.  What is something that you are afraid to fail at? Uhh... everything?  What would happen if you did fail at it? .....  Do you ever worry about your loved ones dying? It’s a constant worry. Thanks for reminding me :)))  What is the cutest thing a guy could do for a girl? Well I’m really partial to love letters, songs, poems and the like...  Stuffed animals–immature, or should everyone have one? I have several stuffed animals, some from childhood and some that were recent gifts, and I love them dearly. They make me happy! Surround yourself with things that make you feel good!!  What do you like in your breakfast burritos? Egg and cheese, and veggie sausage or bacon if it’s available.  What restaurant would you choose to go to for breakfast? There are a few trendy brunch spots around here that I like, one of my favorites being a Mexican place. But I love some good old-fashioned diner food, too!  How much money do you think you cost your parents? Um? A lot?? What an odd question though.  Do you have good hand/eye coordination? Laughably bad.  Can you do a flip on a trampoline? I’d 100% kill myself if I tried.  Do you remember the last time you climbed a tree? Sadly, no. But this tree in my front yard was one of my favorite reading spots as a kid. There was this one thick branch that was the perfect size for me to stretch my legs on while I leaned against the trunk and read my books.  Did you ever lie on your back and pick shapes out of clouds as a kid? I still do that Do you watch any Japanese anime? My boyfriend’s really into it so I’ve *seen* some but I can’t say I’ve actually WATCHED it lol  Is there a foreign culture you are interested in learning more about? So many! The world’s a big place, ya know...  Do you let your emotions get the best of you in a fight? HA HA HA HA HA. Do you know me? I am nothing BUT emotions.  Logic? Reason? Rationale? I don’t know her.  Do you know anyone whose reputation has recently been ruined? All the recently outed sexual predators in Hollywood come to mind.  When did you first get a cellphone? For Christmas my freshman year of high school.  And fun fact: a month prior, I gave my parents a presentation as to why I should have one. I had notecards and everything. And clearly it worked! I wish I could put that on a resume...  Do you have your own laptop computer? A chromebook, but I barely use it.  Do you drive your own car, or your parents? I don’t drive Say something inappropriate? No thanks!

What were you doing before you started taking this survey? I just had my lunch “break.” I use the term loosely because not a whole lot of work is getting done today. So it was a break from a break.  Describe the best summer you ever had? I could more easily describe the WORST summer I’ve ever had. I guess my favorite summer was the one right before I left for college. I had the tightest group of friends and we partied every night. It was just your typical care-free teenage dream.  Do you eat any meat other than turkey on Thanksgiving? I don’t eat meat any day of the year! Did you attend a pre-school? I did, and I went a year earlier than usual because my mom was the teacher. So, free childcare. Go mom!  Do you remember what it was like to learn to count to 100? Not even slightly  What is something you lost in the process of growing up? My ability to drink liquor straight  Do you wear any wristbands? If so, what’s on them? Nope  What was the last picture you were in? I took several selfies with me and the girl I nanny the other day Did you have required reading material in high-school? Of course. Most of it I really enjoyed and would’ve read for leisure anyways.  Do you keep your room organized? Yep. I’m a pretty neat person.  Do you vacuum daily? No, but weekly. 

How many board games do you own? I have one card game in my apartment now but no board games, sadly!  Own any books? No. Not a single one. I don’t know how to read. I don’t even know what a book IS???  Recently checked any books out from the library? I just borrowed an e-book from a virtual library so does that count?  Does your cat give you kitty kisses? I don’t have a cat but I wish I did! What’s in your make-up bag? I have several. And I have no idea why they’re separated the way they are. All my makeup is just tossed together 

[teamorcd-a]

Desert Departure

“They didn't say good bye, did they?”

A simple question to break the awkward silence of packing. There was just the two of them putting away their last few odds and ends before leaving for the big day. Long pointed ears moved under a violet cowl to meet the voice coming from a rather cheerful individual. Her voice however told of a worried expression on her face that the Faunus couldn't see.

“No, why would they?” A calm voice retorted, putting another pair of rolled up socks away.

She felt two light taps on her right shoulder, prompting the sightless Faunus to stop and turn around. Standing in front of her was Russet, a human girl who had invested almost too much time to become this prickly and stubborn Faunus; friend. She was typically optimistic, energetic, and had far more social luck and grace. Her warm coloured nature wasn't lost to Chroma, the blind bat Faunus who lived a life filled with as much irony and originality as that statement sounded.

“I know, you didn't have it good on Team LIAC, but things are changin'!” optimism was almost never absent in Russet's voice. “Besides, I'm going to be on the team, that isn't so bad right?”

“Terrible.” Sarcasm, a comfort to Chroma with people she considered friends.

“Oh come on, you know I won't babysit you when it comes to missions right?”

A question that fouled Chroma's expression. To anyone else, she simply adjusted her ears and looked to her left. Russet knew better though, those ears to the side, slightly lowered and focusing her gaze elsewhere meant she wasn't too happy. The girl sighed, putting both hands on either side of the large cowl hood Chroma was wearing.

“Alright look at me.”

After a moment, Chroma's eyes followed where the sound had come from.

“All of the looking at me please.”

Reluctant ears moved forward, both aimed towards Russet. She was pleased with this.

“We get to be partners on this new team. Yeah I know you're probably thinking I'm going to miss my old team and you're right but don't start feeling guilty about it.” Russet's voice was silvery, which gave off a calming appeal. “We all made this decision to do this, and as your self titled emotional support human, things are going to work out.”

There was always some kind of humor in the girl's rationale, but Chroma couldn't complain. She couldn't even hide the crack of a smile that came to her face.

“The only thing I want yo to promise is that you'll try to make some friends of your own? Please do not try to beat up, stab, prank, vigilante other people you have known for all of thirteen minutes?”

Chroma's expression returned to it's deadpan state, except her ears moved back a bit more. She was never one to get along with people. Her own team didn't like her, and she was sure they may have been actively sabotaging her way through Shade Academy. Rumors and tall tales spread about her, but she just ran with those stories. She didn't care she was intentionally prickly towards people at first. Being burned so badly in the past left it's scars. Despite this, there was Russet: a human who was allowed in her personal space because she was a positive and extremely persistent influence in her life.

“Chroma pleaaaaaase.”

Chroma knew what kind of expression she was making when syllables were being drawn out. Her eyes rolled and her ears perked back forward. “Fine, I promise to try.”

“Serious promise?”

“Serious promise, I swear.”

Satisfied, Russet let go of Chroma's cowl with a smile. Chroma couldn't see it, but she could almost feel it. The two of them shared a quick fist bump before resuming their packing duties. Russet occasionally looked over to micromanage Chroma's spacing. Russet was far more neat between the two of them, though not caring for anything outside of comfort and functionality left Chroma a bit untidier than most. The one exception to the rule, was when it came to her weapon, Last Chime.

It was perhaps her most visible testament to spite: Last Chime was a n arm mounted crossbow/blade fusion weapon, with a tether built in for grappling. A blind sharpshooter was a common trope in fantasy literature, but Chroma made it a reality simply because someone said she couldn't. It also helped that what actually fired the bolts was akin to the mechanics of a rail gun, causing Russet to call Chroma the 'most subtly extra person she knows'. It simply looked like a strange armament on her right arm, and came with a sibling arm piece for the left. It had a smaller grappling device and was for hands free ammunition loading.

Then, there was Russet who had taken a more simple route: a dirk and automatic pistol combo dubbed Reason and Rhyme. Thanks to her older brother, Russet had her weapon plans made with a little extra help. At first she couldn't decide on what she wanted, having practiced in just about every weapon type she could get her hands on. Reason and Rhyme had a classic with modern flair to it and combined with her Semblance, the melee functionality wasn't just limited to being a rather large dagger.

“You forgot something.”

Chroma turned, only meeting Russet with a curious head tilt.

“No bird?”

It took Chroma a second to understand. She shook her head. “I'm leaving them here and... going to try without them.”

A squeaky gasp could be heard before Russet spoke. “I'm so proud.”

“I don't want to make the emotional support human redundant.”

Russet hummed thoughtfully. “You're right, it's hard to compete with Kichee. I'm not parrot fabulous yet.”

“Besides, the other two might not be fans of corvids or exotic birds.” Chroma added, finally getting her one small bag shut with a long zip of the zipper. “Also being stuck on a boat, going to Mistral first... that's a lot for a therapy animal.”

“True, but doesn't your mom have birds for that much travel?”

“Ones trained to claw out Grimm eyes.”

“Fair. How's she been doing now that she's free? Aunt Vi has been talking to her a lot since she got out of the hospital.”

Chroma paused, unsure of how to answer. Her mother had been hospitalized for years because of a nearly fatal injury. It nearly took her ability to fly away, and being as stubborn as her family went, you can't tell a winged Faunus that they can't fly anymore without some resistance. However there was also the other issues relating to long absent parental figures in her life that was also causing some problems.

“You're making a face.”

“I am not.” Chroma stated firmly. “A few muscle twitches isn't a face, that's an expression.”

Russet rolled her eyes at the pedantry. “Then you're making an expression.”

“I am not.”

Russet bawked a bit at her friend. Chroma was very good at hiding sarcasm, or just being so blatantly vague that you were never sure of the context. “Your sarcasm isn't showing. I take it that it's Dad related?”

The quicker Chroma's ears moved, the more volatile the expression happened to be. Ears went back as far as they could go before meeting a place somewhere in the middle. Her eyes gave away a frustration that Russet knew how to read.

“That's enough to tell me what I need to know. At least your mom said bye yeah?”

The Faunus' expression softened after a moment. “Not yet. She's going traveling to the other kingdoms since she's no longer caged by physiotherapy. She's leaving the same time we are.”

“Well that's sweet, and good for her.”

The rest of the packing was met with idle chat. Most of it was Chroma reminding Russet to bring particular items that she had happened to forget to pack. Occasionally the conversation drew to the upcoming Vytal Festival, but for this team project, that was more so a deadline. The four of these strangers would have to become some kind of functioning team before being volunteer staff for one of the biggest international events in the world. At least when it came to the Academies. Unfortunately they wouldn't be able to participate in the tournament, but there were other things they could be assigned to do. Grimm didn't stop for social holidays.

“Alright, all done.” Russet grunted, lifting up her packed luggage. “Excited to finally leave Vacuo?”

Chroma shrugged. “I'm looking forward to this fabled sandless food and cheaper fruit prices you've told me about.”

A grin came to the other girl's face. “I'll buy you some mangoes and you can be mad at the price difference.”

“I can't wait to be upset.”