#if I am making a decision that someone else will question then I leave rationale alongside the decision

[asmolbirb]

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[cheesecakeanon]

You totally didn’t ask for this detailed of an answer, but here I am offering you one anyway hahaha

For those of you who are in college or have graduated from college, how did you figure out what you wanted to major in?

I was fortunate enough to both be in a position to have some freedom in my major selection and to have parents who were pretty open about any/all ideas I had regarding college—the biggest expectation they had for me on that front was really just that I got a degree, and even then, I think if I had dropped out at some point, they would’ve been relatively on board with it provided I could give them a justifiable reason for doing so.

That said, I chose the programs I wanted to apply for based on things I could see myself doing for the rest of my life/for a decent portion of my life: HS History Education; Law/Political Science/Criminology; and Music Composition. The hard part came when I heard back from schools and had to choose which avenue to follow—majors in the performing arts usually require a boatload of credits, so if I wanted to double major in music + something else, there was a high likelihood it would take me more than four years to finish my degree. That wouldn’t have been a bad thing, but it was definitely a consideration that I felt I needed to keep in mind when trying to pick.

At the end of the day, I ended up choosing the second option among those three, my rationale being that it was the option that required the highest level of education to pursue, and that if I ever wanted to switch to either of the other options, it would be far easier to do so than it would be to suddenly up and decide to get a law degree. (Note: I now am working full time and going to law school in the evenings, and I may regret that decision, but we can talk about that can of worms later lol)

For those of you who are in college, or have graduated from college, and know what career they want to go into, how did you figure out what career you wanted to go into?

This answer sort of bleeds over from the last—I spent a lot of time in HS trying to figure out who I was and the legacy I wanted to leave in the communities that I’d been a part of. I’d always been overly involved in student organizations and extracurriculars, but my senior year, I really started trying to analyze the “what do you want to do?” question alongside the “what kind of legacy do you want to leave?” one, which is sort of how I ended up here.

When I was in middle school, I watched too much Criminal Minds and wanted to work for the BAU—I wanted to solve puzzles and catch the bad guys, if you will—so I did as much ‘research’ as a 12/13-year-old can claim to have done and announced to my parents that I’d be going to X school for Y programs and would then go work for that team by Z year. Somewhere in the preceding years to this ordeal, I’d been set on being a lawyer (at the time because ‘I liked arguing,’ which is a terrible reason to go to law school, kiddos, don’t do it) so the idea-based seed of practicing law had already been planted there.

When I was in high school, I found myself at this weird crossroad between learning about what lawyers can actually do to help people and change policy and in a completely different vein, wanting to create things that brought me and others joy. I’d given myself the freedom to write music and fiction (and fanfiction, let’s be honest) and discovered that I wasn’t half-bad at it, so when senior year came around, I wasn’t so sure I wanted to let go of the opportunity to keep doing so.

In my head, I’d basically told myself “it’s X career related to law or Y career related to music or Z career related to writing,” and I hadn’t let myself consider otherwise, but THEN!! Then I graduated college and was thrust into the working world—specifically, into a job that was definitely a good stepping stone to get from where I was to at least one of the potential career paths that I’d considered, but wasn’t creative at all—which was when I realized that none of those things needed to be distinct.

Obviously there’s something to be said here for time management and the fact that I’m on the younger end of adulthood—I don’t have the same responsibilities or obligations that someone with a mortgage or children would have—but in the middle of that first year of working, I came rather startlingly to the same conclusion I’d made when I was a senior in High School: I didn’t need a degree in music to make it. That sounds quick and pithy but the point was broader than that; if I wanted to eventually do something with the musical skills that I had, there were ways for me to keep honing them while I pursued the career path option(s) that absolutely, hands down, needed a professional degree. At some point in the future, when the law degree was there and I was actually qualified to do any/all of the things I mentioned earlier—that would be where the brilliant chaos of actually merging those things would kick in. In the meantime, I could write a novel, work full time during the day, go to law school at night, and release an album of original music all within a six month period of time (what can I say, July ‘20–Feb ‘21 was a wildly productive time for me) to see how that felt and if it could be sustainable.

Very long winded answers here, so…sorry about that, but the short version is the following: I thought I knew the career I wanted at 18 in a very binary, straight-laced sense, and it turns out I didn’t—or at least not entirely. I knew where I wanted to start, so I chose the majors that would qualify me for the career that was going to require the most educational/professional experience. Since graduating, I’ve been able to see that any/all of those careers can coexist, I just might have to create the career path on my own to make it happen.

I think this is exactly the kind of story I needed to hear. I think this story supports my plan really well. Thank you so much!

[whentherewerebicycles]

some thoughts that might seem unrelated but aren’t, i promise:

— in that atomic habits book I read a couple weeks back the author talks about using a specific, action-oriented question repeated throughout the day to help you build or break habits (like “what would a physically fit person do?” or “what would a sober person do?”).   

— the aging books i was reading last month noted that people who score high in conscientiousness (on the Big Five personality traits) tend to age most successfully ie enjoy the longest stretch of active years. to quote this article, conscientiousness is “a fundamental personality trait—one of the Big Five—that reflects the tendency to be responsible, organized, hard-working, goal-directed, and to adhere to norms and rules...Conscientiousness comprises self-control, industriousness, responsibility, and reliability. A conscientious person is good at self-regulation and impulse control. This trait influences whether you will set and keep long-range goals, deliberate over choices, behave cautiously or impulsively, and take obligations to others seriously.” I tend to score very high in openness but very, very low in conscientiousness. more on this in a bit...  

— my sister and i were talking recently about different kinds of intelligence, and also about core values. one of hers is efficiency, a word that i have all kinds of negative associations with lol but that she explained in ways i found really intriguing. for her efficiency isn’t about, like, Maximizing Productivity for Capitalism but is about methodically searching for the most effective, least confusing or redundant, most easily-communicable-to-others way to solve complex problems. when she encounters a system that has all kinds of weird bottlenecks or inefficient, time-consuming ways of completing a task (esp if the rationale for those methods is just “well.. that’s how we’ve always done it”), she starts immediately examining the larger structures and workflows around those bottlenecks to see if the established ways of doing things can be rerouted or simplified, and then she constructs new protocols or tools for people to use instead of the old inefficient way of working. efficiency will never be a core value of mine, in part because i think my humanities-oriented brain accords more value than her STEM/medicine-oriented brain does to wandering, daydreaming, slowed-down thinking, doubling-back or retracing one’s steps, and other “inefficient” modes of thinking that slow down the process but can lead you in unexpected directions or spark unanticipated epiphanies that illuminate the larger structures differently. i think we both share a keen interest in systems-level thinking and in examining whether established ways of doing things are the most effective ways of doing things, but we prioritize different modes of thinking and problem-solving in figuring out how to alter or redesign those larger systems (which is probably a result of temperament differences + our field-specific training).

THAT SAID, i have been thinking a lot about how one area of my own intelligence i would like to sharpen/hone in both my professional and personal life is like... a mode of intelligence that is linked to rigor, a more methodical approach to problem-solving, and the ability to construct & more methodically test detailed mental schemas. not quite sure how to articulate that but i feel like my thinking has gotten a little fuzzier than i want it to. and I think maybe this sensed fuzziness in thinking is linked to some of my ongoing feelings of restless discontent re: work. I also just in general want to be more conscientious in how I approach and solve problems, or in how I tackle big and small projects.

— this is more tangentially connected but: i feel like one thing i’ve noticed this year is that a lot of the people i admire professionally are really good at seeking out & taking on lots and lots of additional challenges or commitments, and they can do this in part because they tend to be very conscientious people, ie people who have big-picture vision but are also very detail-oriented and good at managing their time effectively & doing things efficiently so they can take on multiple projects without feeling overwhelmed. i feel like my own low-conscientiousness means that i can’t take full advantage of my high-openness—often i want to take on new projects or challenges but i worry that i’ll overextend myself or that the project will become more time-consuming than i anticipate. i think is linked to a different sort of fuzziness, ie a lack of clarity about how long things take or how much time i have — all combined with a deeply ingrained sense of myself as someone with executive dysfunction issues (poor time management, poor planning skills, poor organizational abilities, etc.). i think of myself as a very inefficient and extraordinarily disorganized person, whether this is 100% accurate or not, and that can sometimes lead to me taking myself out of the running for opportunities or limiting the number of projects i take on out of a fear that i won’t be disciplined enough to see them through.

— another thing my sister and i were talking about recently is how within large families, siblings tend to get assigned a “role” or a personality within the family dynamic very early on, and then they get sort of locked into that over time. everyone in the family expects them to always behave in that way, and there’s often a lot of unconscious resistance to letting your family members change or grow or develop in ways that contradict the clearly defined family role that’s been assigned to them, or the family “story” that everyone else in the family tells about them. you can get locked into both positive and negative roles—or like, often the positive role has a negative flipside. we were talking about how within our family, i’ve been “assigned” to be the “deep thinker” ie the introspective one who spends my life writing and thinking and daydreaming, whereas my sister has been assigned the role of being most like my father, ie very methodical, analytical, unemotional, and action-oriented (and therefore not introspective or inward-looking). and we were talking about how both of these have a negative flipside: my sister feels like she doesn’t get to be a “deep thinker,” or an introspective, emotionally intelligent person; whereas i feel like in my family’s story for me i am forever in “lalaland,” as my mom always says—head in the clouds, an ineffectual dreamer, the absentminded professor who has lots of big thoughts and feelings but is incapable of bringing any of my fantastical ideas to fruition because i have very little practical knowledge or stick-to-itiveness.  

— as i’ve said many times before, i feel like i can’t solve the big-picture issues with my job right now, since so many of them are linked to shitty pandemic realities. but i was thinking that maybe one way to begin laying the groundwork for this final year in my job might be to work on strengthening my conscientiousness at the micro-level, ie in small everyday habits and interactions. my hope is that maybe by practicing conscientiousness in lots of small, low-stakes situations, i can start strengthening those muscles and building trust in myself as “the kind of person who does ____” (which i feel like is necessary for me to begin challenging the family story i’ve internalized what i am like). i mean, there is a lot of truth to that family story! but i bet that those aspects of my personality are nowhere near as inflexible or as like, divinely preordained as i have often assumed they are. like, i bet that through practice & through building better habits i can actually become significantly more conscientiousness (reliable, responsible, hardworking, efficient, good at follow-through, self-disciplined, etc) than i am now. and while efficiency may never be as central a value for me as it is for my sister, i think there is probably a way for me to see efficiency and conscientiousness as linked to my own core values, if only because those qualities or traits will allow me to better enact/embody my core values. so i think i can see it not as working against the grain of my personality, but as working to build out less-developed parts of my personality to strengthen the parts of my character that i value most.

— anyway this is all to say that for the last week i’ve been asking myself aloud “what would a conscientious person do?” multiple times a day, really any time i find myself at a small crossroads where i have to make a small decision. do i pick up that piece of cardboard and put it in the recycling bin now or leave it till later? (what would a conscientious person do?) do i return that call from the plumber now or put it off until later? (what would a conscientious person do?) do i take two minutes to pay that $4 toll bill now or put it on the giant stack of “tasks i will definitely deal with when i’m in the mood to deal with them,” where it will inevitably become a $25 and then $50 bill because i forgot about it and now have to pay late fees? (what would a conscientious person do?) do i comment on that student’s draft now when i’d rather be on the couch scrolling through social media? (i could probably do it tomorrow, when i have another block of free time, but what would a conscientious person do?) i have no idea if it will work in the long term!! but it’s been an intriguing experiment so far, mostly because i think it is teaching me that many of the tasks i build up in my head as incredibly time-consuming are actually quite quick, and once you finish them you also free up all the mental energy you were putting into procrastinating on them, and are better able to move onto the next thing. i also feel like it is teaching me that uhh maybe a conscientious person is not like, a completely different species of human being, but just a person who has different habits or patterns of response to daily choices than i do. that feels important too: if we are what we repeatedly or habitually do, then changing what i habitually do can probably change the kind of person i am!   i’m finding that there’s something very useful about the simplicity of the question, too. deliberately posing the question to myself interrupts my habitual, unconscious response (which is always some version of “i don’t have the energy to deal with that / don’t want to expend that energy right now -- i’ll put it off till later”) -- it requires me to stop and focus my attention on the present situation instead of sliding right past it without thinking about it. and there’s also something quite satisfying about framing it as a choice or a decision: i get to choose what to do, ie i get to exercise agency, and exercising agency makes your brain feel happy (we like to feel in control! we like making choices!). so throughout the day i get to experience lots of little bursts of whatever gets released in the brain when you make a decision and immediately follow through with it, and i think/hope that this kind of positive reinforcement is helping to strengthen those circuits and lay down the groundwork for new patterns of habitual response. 

those are some thoughts this morning!! now i am going to allow myself a few minutes of sloth lol and then i’ll get up and exercise.

[shhhlikeme]

“Losty Aone” / “Losty Mountain Man🏔” Series: 

Outtake Collection #16:

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A/N: hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii babies!!!!!!!!!! Let’s fucking goooooooooooooo! I’m excited for y’all to read this juicy marathon. As of right now, I am unsure of how many collections it will be but it’s going to be one of the longest marathons ii. Check back every 20 minutes or so if you caught this immediately. Oh and I will be trying again to put my post under a read more but if it fucks up an deletes half the chapter again I am DONE and I TRIED okay??? xo

***ALSO I did not add my taglist to the last marathon so you guys might have missed collections 13-15!!!!***

TABLE OF CONTENTS

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Your Losty Heartbreak and Your Spy Kids Debut 😎🖊📚

Sigh. The curse of being a young adult, I tell ya. 

You are annoyed. 

Yes, two months after the breakup you are still completely heartbroken, even though, yes, it was your genius idea to break up with the love of your life: a man that girls only dream about having as a S/O….

but it was a selfless decision.

Aone Takanobu deserved more, better… than you. That was your rationale.

It’s not fair of you to just accept the perfect man because he was lost enough to lock onto you and not someone on his level. 

While it was a selfless decision , it was still a decision you selfishly regretted because …you were so in love with that man at the time that you did it….

You are….

But you will stifle those emotions so that he can get over you and hopefully see his own worth. 

But that didn’t mean you couldn’t be annoyed. Because you were. And at what, exactly? Well:

After dating and breaking up with him, Aone had females constantly approaching him. A/N: Not constantly but it felt that way for you ofc lol

You guess it’s nice that the females of Date Teko gave him the courtesy of one month to get over you but STILL!

Kusa and Katana said that Takanobu’s admirers shot up because everyone witnessed how he treated you, how amazing he was to you, and they fell for that along with his looks.

Your ex’s new admirers are hoping they can get a man that just as inwardly beautiful as he is outwardly and hopefully he will like them, too

In other words: They want what you had. 

And what did you want? 

Well:

You wanted to rip some hair out. Yours or theirs? You’ll leave that up to subjective interpretation. 

EVERY TIME you walked past your ex—that you still love—’s locker there was some brat or another staring up at him in admiration like he was Mount fucking Everest. 

You wanted to scream. 

but isn’t this what you wanted, Y/N? Your Mountain man to find someone else? Your conscience would ask. 

Shut the hell up, conscience. You’d bark back. 

You heard from Katana who was keeping tags on his every admirer that he denied them all dates (which defeats the purpose of your break-up, but you smiled nonetheless) but that Aone did agree to host a study session with a group of girls that apparently begged/needed his help in all subjects before finals. 

give me a fucking break, you and your conscious agreed.

“Ugh. He’s too kind for his own good. Can’t he see those girls just want an excuse to be near him?!?!” You raged about the study session as you peered closely through the passenger side window to make sure that Kusa got inside her house safely. It was 6pm, and you had just heard the news while on the way home from dinner at your favourite restaurant. Katana drove. From her doorstep, Kusa waved at you before closing her door.  

This Saturday, your best friends forced you on your first outing since the breakup, dressing you and even doing your makeup despite your complaining about leaving the house. You had to admit that the food that you did order at the restaurant was decent enough, but really—you would much prefer to still be in bed, flipping through pictures of Aone and Perdu and having a good cry.

Katana rolled her eyes as she stopped at a red light, responding to your initial question. “Ugh. Yeah, they are smarter than we thought. But you’re okay with this, right? I mean this is what you said you  wanted when you broke up with him. You said you want him to find a new girl,”” Katana fished for your true feelings, sounding a lot like your annoying conscience. 

You sulked, picturing other females near the man you are in love with. It made you sick. But, instead, you said, “Of course I am Okay with it. I want him to be the happiest he can be.”

Katana fixed her eyes on the road and bit her tongue so that she wouldn’t laugh. 

You had no idea why you weren’t being fully honest with your friends, but perhaps it made you believe it more the more you said it aloud. “I know Kusa had that assignment to do tonight… and you have that one with Kenji tomorrow, right? so do you want to come over? My mom got me another tub of cookie dough ice cream, and we can rewatch Bad Girls Club again.” You asked Katana in that voice that meant you didn’t want to be alone tonight.

Katana smirked. It was an evil smirk. “I’ll do you one better.”

“Uhhh… Katana….you missed my turn.” Your eyes widened when the cheer captain passed your street, and then passed her own street a few seconds later. “Katana!”

“Word on the cheer team is that Aone-san’s first study session ends in 20 at the local library. I wanna check it out.”

“What?! No you will not—!” You yelled, but you couldn’t help the surge of excitement that flew through your body thinking about seeing that man again. It was always like this.

“—Oh, lighten up— it’s not like I will be joining the damn study session.”

“You won’t?” You asked, surprised.

“Obviously not! Muri is studying something else there, so I need to give her back her notes anyway. It’s only a plus that I’ll get to see how desperate those girls are being with my besties ex. Incognito, kay? I was going to drop you off first and go, but it looks like you don’t wanna be alone. Right?” 

Your pretty best friend waited a few seconds for a response, and when she didn’t get one, she nodded. “Exactly.” She turned into the school’s practically empty parking lot, finding her favourite spot. “So, you can stay in the car. No prob. And I won’t tell you anything about it.” 

You frowned, watching as Katana reached in the backseat for her purse so that she could take out the notes she had for Muri.

“Okay,” you whispered anxiously.  

“I’ll be like, 10 minutes.” The brunette removed her keys from the ignition and stepped outside of her car.

You stayed where you were as Katana’s figure disappeared into the one of the Date Teko’s many entrances. You began to think about what your friend was going to see in there: Aone leaning over the shoulder of pretty Date Teko girls? Helping them with their homework the way he would help you? These girls smelling his fresh icy mountain scent, and leaning in closer, the way you would to him?

Naturally, you began to panic internally.

You pictured the girls twirling their hair flirtatiously and telling him that they didn’t understand when they did, just to keep him hovering over them longer. The same way you used to. 

😤😤😤

Your foot started tapping on its own inside Katana’s car, thinking about how your lost ex-boyfriend wouldn’t even pick up any of it as flirting, ugh. 

Your imagination created even more concerning visuals: more giggling, more oblivious Aone, more shoulder brushing, more oblivious Aone, and then some more….. yeah. Should it really have come as no surprise that you soon found yourself hidden behind a dusty bookshelf in the anatomy section of your school’s library on a Saturday, squatted down and peeping through the slits between books to catch glimpses of your ex boyfriend hosting a study session?!

You blamed your active imagination. 

Behind the dusty shelves, you whimpered because the obstructed vision due to the books covered the white haired beauty perfectly. You held a disgusting book to the right a bit.

“Oh,” your stomach flipped. “He looks so cute.” You put on a 🥺 face when you noticed how utterly adorable a standing Takanobu looked decked out in forest green sweatpants and a matching hoodie with the hood on, and his white hair barely visible. 

Your stomach flips were quickly bumped away by sheer annoyance as you saw him then do exactly what brought you up here, just as you thought: innocently leaning down to help a blonde third-year girl you knew by the name of Sutairu Elyts with a question she was asking. She was smiling way too much for someone doing boring ass school work on Saturday, you noted. Flipping her hair, giggling, and obnoxiously putting her cleavage in Aone’s line of sight. You picked up the dusty library book that was obstructing your view and stopped yourself from tossing it at Sutairu— instead choosing to toss it to the side without a care in the world, trying to get a closer look at how close the girl was going to get while Aone answered her question. 

You were close to literally poking your head through the bookshelf hole completely, when someone to the left of your hiding spot cleared their throat very loudly. You jumped, bumping your head and hissing in pain. 

You removed your head from the bookshelf and looked up at the cause of your newfound migraine.

There stood Katana, her arms crossed and a knowing smile on her face. “You got here faster than I thought,” She reached down to help you up. “Now, come on. None of this amateur shit. You know my style. When it comes to cute boys: make it obvious, and make it count.”

***

Aone was in the middle of teaching Algebra to a group of students (he doesn’t register the fact that they are all conveniently female and all too well dressed for a study session) who had desperately begged him for his help, to the point where the teacher just asked Aone to do it. 

He didn’t mind, the teacher offered him extra credit and everyone he was teaching was nice, they didn’t mind him being pretty silent, plus Kenji fully supported it. So why not? Aone mainly supported it because it was a great distraction from his broken heart and his plan…. 

Or so he thought it would be—before he spotted you in the library.

His heart skipped a beat because he absolutely was not expecting to see you today. His plan wasnt supposed to be put into action until Monday! Trying not to freak out, Aone watched you enter from a side that wasnt the entry way—which is pretty odd—but he shoved the thought to the side anyway because there you were, looking busy.

“Wow.” Takanobu couldn’t stop himself from mouthing when his eyes found you. He mouthed it to himself, of course, but it caused the observant participants in his study group to whip around to see what he was looking at. 

you were dressed pretty casually, coming from dinner with the girls, but Aone hadn’t seen you dressed in anything other than your school or cheer uniforms since your breakup, so it took him by surprise

Not to mention you looked really, really, really good:

Aone watched you scan the bookshelves with Katana—which, if Takanobu was thinking straight— he would realistically call bs on you ever coming to the library for no reason, ESPECIALLY on a Saturday— but you looked too gorgeous to him to care 

Now that he is working alongside you in a project, he has been able to crawl out of depression a bit, simply because your mere presence made him feel whole again, so he basked in the delight he felt any time he was able to see you.

Aone realized that even though he struck out the first time and failed to make you want to be with him, he had nothing to lose if he tried again. 

The premise of Aone’s plan presides on the idea that you are the only girl he wants. Therefore, he just has to prove that to you. Silently. Strategically. 

So that’s the only reason why Aone was able to to shift his focus right now and look away from you, effectively returning to helping his study group and making them forget you even walked in. 

Aone’s mission is to become the man that you want and need, naturally. He will exude more confidence: which is a testament to the fact that he was here right now: tutoring a bunch of girls who have asked him out and he has rejected before because of you,

He wants word to get back to you that your ex is the type of guy who knows how to be just friends with people who had feelings for him. Just in case you wanted to start there with him.

He wants to be your friend. Aone wants to be anything to you but a stranger. It’s the only way his heart stops aching and if that’s all you can give him is a friendship after this project is over, then that is what he would willingly accept!  

Aone forced himself to look back down, getting up to step around the circular table to help with the other girls’ study guides. 

He was able to keep his cool for the most part, but almost lost it twice... 

Once when you dropped a book and bent down to pick it up, showcasing how amazing your butt looked in those jeans. 

Aone cleared his throat to get his own attention back and turned away quickly when he felt a familiar stir under his sweatpants. He stuffed his hands deep in his sweatpants pockets and directed his energy back to the paper in front of him. He erased an answer for one of his students and plugged in the correct one.

The second time Takanobu almost lost his cool was when he heard you make a cute noise and his eyes flicked back up to you. You were trying to reach a book that was too high for you but probably met the height of his ear, your hand above your head, your bodyweight on your toes which gravitationally rose your top up as well, exposing the naked skin on your lower back. 

Aone’s throat went dry and he bit back a groan because the last time he’d stared at that lower back of yours so intensely: you were in a perfect arch, naked, using his dick to pleasure yourself when he told he was on the phone. 

Cue hands in pockets again.

He recalled how that section of your back had a light layer of sweat on it back then, making it glisten as he bit his lip, trying not to moan to the feeling of your tight and juicy walls running up and down his length. Holy, shit, that feel good. 

Aone began thinking about helping you get that book and then fucking you against that bookshelf you were leaning on: holding you up in his arm, the other hand used to place it behind your head as a cushion so that you did not harm yourself when he sheathed his big dick inside your absolutely perfect box, so hot and so delicious, and soo hard not to cum inside within the first minute…..

👁👅👁 Aone’s eyes glazed over to the point where one of his tutor-ies had to snap their fingers in front of his face. 

Highly embarrassed, Takanobu pulled it together ASAP, muttering a quick and sincere apology and thinking only of his plan. Trusting in his plan, he refused to look up in your general direction again. He didn’t trust himself to. 

***

“He barely looked my way….” You sobbed into your cookie dough ice cream later that night, Katana rubbing your back and removing your hair out the tub. 

“Please, Y/N,” Katana begged, absolutely gutted seeing her best friend like this. “Please be honest with yourself and make sure you truly stand by the decision you made.”

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A New Aone and a Perfect Plan? ✅🤩

Mountain Man put absolutely all of his energy into his plan to get you back. His understanding is that you broke up with him because he wasn’t good enough for you, so that means he would just have to make himself good enough for you. While Kenji was completely against Aone trying to get back the girl who broke his heart, Kenji found himself agreeing with the plan since it meant that his best friend would be speaking, playing volleyball, and overall living life again while it was in action. The plan was to essentially fake it till you make it—show you that Takanobu could be the man you deserved. 

The gist of the plan was for Aone to disallow himself to be zombie-like anymore, because you probably didn’t like that. He started spending more time with his friends again, and he was eating again. He was banking on this plan, and if it didn’t work—sure, he’d be crushed for the rest of his life—but at least he’d have no regrets. It wouldn’t be easy, he’d have to speak back to other females kindly letting them down when all he wanted to do was speak to you. He’d have to ignore you when you walked by which meant going against his every instinct, and he’d have to speak to you confidently in class when you two were working on the project and small talk about your lives, when all he wanted to do was lean in and kiss you until he could taste you even when he pulled away. 

Thoughts of you consumed him, still, but they were now hopeful thoughts. He was not going to let his dream girl walk away that easily. 

A/N: GO BABY GOOOOO

You, on the other hand, took this new and confident Aone as a sign that he was getting over you. He didn’t seem very sad anymore, you didn’t see that same dejected and lost eyes you saw when he pushed his best friend away from you. You saw intensity there, like he was now focused on a new task in his life. It confused you, and it hurt like a bitch, because deep down you knew he’d move on soon and you wouldn’t. 

But this is what you wanted, right? 🙄🙄Repeated your conscience, again. You really wanted to fight her. 

“Y/N, you seem out of it today.” Mountain Man stopped writing the outline of the content analysis in class to stare down at you. You could see the concern in his eyes, but you refused to believe it was anything more than the concern anyone would feel for an ex turned friend, and nothing more. 

Embarrassed, you realized that you must have zoned-out, and now this gorgeous man that you wanted to jump was calling you out on your odd behaviour. “W-was I?’ You shook your head then looked down in your lap. “Sorry.” 

Aone placed his pencil down, heart pounding because he wanted that frown of yours to disappear so badly. “Is it about your University Cheerleading tryouts?” He asked kindly, too kindly—if you had any hope of getting over him in the next 5 years. 

You looked up at him, confused as to why he’d even mention that. 

The white haired beauty blushed. “Kogane—he, uh, well…” Aone took a second to look away and collect his thoughts because your big beautiful eyes were making him lose his train of thought. He reminded himself of his plan and collected himself, returning to your gaze. “Kogane-san mentioned to Kenji and I this morning that Kusa needed someone to film her audition tape, because that is the only way cheerleaders are able to send in your tryouts for schools that are too far away, correct?”

“Oh,” You nodded. “Ya—“

Aone continued without missing a beat. “I know Kogane is helping film Kusa’s, and you mentioned yesterday that Katana is out of town for a camp… so, and feel free to say no: but I’d love to offer you my help, Y/N. With filming and editing.” 

There was a pause in which you just looked at Aone with those big beautiful eyes that he thinks about 24/7. 

Afraid that he might be coming onto way too strong, which goes against his super slow plan, Takanobu adds: “As friends. Offer you my help as friend.” 

Your heart sunk, but he looked so sweet asking, not to mention you really did need to get on that tryout instead of pushing it off until you miss it completely and don’t end up going to University—

If you didn’t get a cheer scholarship you were screwed; Aone knew this. Not to mention you would love to see him more; Aone did not know this.

“I’ve taken photography as my elective for the past three years and do pretty well in that class in terms of grades, so I just thought…” Mountain Man was scared shitless, nervously listing off his accomplishments like this was an interview…. mostly due to the fact that you hadn’t answered him yet. Too fast, she can tell you want her back—now she’ll never give you another chance. Failure. Aone opened his mouth to retract his offer, but you interrupted him before he could get the first word out. 

“Um, yes. Sure. I’d love your help, Aone-san. I promise it won’t take long. Thank you so much.” 

Aone nodded even though he was bursting at the seams inside. Mountain Man couldn’t believe it. After  being broken up with because your feelings weren’t there, you agreed to spend non-school related time with him?! The middle blocker couldn’t help but think that you wouldn’t have said yes, had he still been acting like a zombie. Actually, he wouldn’t even have dared asked, if he was still acting like a zombie. Now he gets to help you and see you more than he has since the breakup, and he considers this like a gift! Yes!

“Great. Just tell me where and when you would like to have your audition, and I will be there.” A very cool reply.

You even rewarded him even more with a smile. “How about next Tuesday? Here on the field since it’s getting warm out again? I need to rehearse a lot and that gives me enough time.”

“Understood.” A cool second later, Takanobu had to excuse himself to the washroom so that he could celebrate in silence. He texted his friends and took a deep breath.

Selfishly, Aone also wanted to help you with this particular audition because he wanted you to go to the same University as he and Kenji. He wanted to help you with your future assignments and he wanted to see you everyday. How great would that be? A little torturous, too. But if you were on a cheer team and happy, then: mostly great. 

Baby steps, Mountain Man sighed contentedly. He would get you back in baby steps, and this was the first one. 

He just had to keep following the plan.

———————————

Taglist: @galagcica @chaichai-the-weeb @nairobiisqueen @bisasterrr @juminly @simply-not-the-same @marvelousbakugou @qyuanon 💛

Outtake #17: CLICK HERE!

[hindumyththoughts]

Redamancy for Arjun/Subhadra, Arjun/Draupadi or Draupadi/Bheem?

Hi @ambidextrousarcher 💙, you gave me three whole choices and seeing how bad I am with decision making, I chose two rather than one (hope that's alright 😄)

Redamancy: act of loving in return

Draupadi and Bheem

Both of them were blazing flames, but even if the wise words of old had pitted fire against itself as the only worthy opponent, these two were nothing but complementary to each other, their heat keeping the other one alive and fighting. He was the violently flickering red embers in the center and she the orange hued streams of flames that reached far and wide around the coals, both essential for the existence of that fire; one that protected and nurtured life through it’s light and warmth but was also capable of scorching those who tried to kill it from fear.

Both understood the pains of the other, knew exactly where they were wounded, in more ways than one. That was why it was easier to offer a healing hand to the other when they were injured. When Panchaali was flared due to an injustice to the masses born out of errors in the governance of the Samrat, the second eldest of the Pandavas was the one who followed after her, listening to her arguments and reason; the one who stood beside her as an ally to explain the rationale to the king so as to change his opinion. When Vrikodara was agitated due to the misconducts of his relatives, she was the one who soothed his anger, for she knew it to be justified but unwise for them all, for she knew that patience was the virtue of the prudent.

They had quite similar tastes on multiple levels which produced an amusing pastime where they searched for and found different varieties of flowers in the gardens that they thought suited the other best. They would point out different lilies, marigolds, roses and orchids to each other, with Bhimsena finding special delight in comparing Panchaali to the adorable orange tufts of marigolds. He knew that Krishnaa was fond of lotuses the most and so it was an endearing game to always bring her the best ones, whenever the opportunity arose. What he did not know was the reason why she was so attached to that particular flower, something Yajnaseni never told him. Lotuses were so endeared to her because they always reminded her of him, gentle beauty amidst the grave harshness of life.

The wishes their hearts yearned for were quite alike too, and praised be their fortunes or that blessed pair of husband and wife that they granted those wishes for each other. When asked, her husband might smile and say that all his wishes were granted by his family, so he doesn't have anymore desires left, but even still, one last prayer leaves Panchaali's lips, something she couldn't ask of her Bheem himself; that if Mahadev be pleased with her, should he be as kind to her as he was in her previous lives, let her once again, in another lifetime, have the honour of becoming the partner of the brave one known as Bhimsena, a simple, humble life which she could offer entirely to the one who stood beside her now, with another lotus in his hand that he knows will cheer her up.

Sometimes, all one needed was someone who listened, someone who accepted you for all of that, someone who helped you in becoming better, who inspired you to live. Flames which may have fused to become one but did not dominate or overpower the other, rather fortified each other to achieve a brilliant, spirited glow. Between them, all it took for love to be expressed were not the grand feats of glory, but merely a constant presence beside each other which remained there and understood what was spoken, or what even remained unsaid...

Subhadra and Arjun

"Have I ever told you how much I adore your smile, princess of Dwarka?" Came the question for the hundredth time, as they finally found a rare moment all for themselves, "No, I don't recall your having ever said that, O great Gandivadhaari " replied Subhadra teasingly. "Well, allow me to correct that grave error: I dearly love the simple smile that you adorns your lips, Subhadrey" "Then, let me tell you that I love the charming modesty of your expressions, Paarth". "Learnt how to compliment from the best, did you?" "I did, he is a master when it comes to these delicate matters, handles them quite smoothly. Rukmini didi never had any complaints." In answer to the sudden quip Arjun had nothing to offer except for a hearty laugh.

Absently his hand reaches for her, and he finds hers halfway toward him too, the realization of the fact bringing a smile on his lips. That was another gesture that they shared, both always coming halfway in their relationship, waiting patiently for the other, so that they were always equal, dependent but never helpless without the other. Subhadra might jest about him needing a lot more than an encouraging nudge when coming to the decision of marrying her, but still he was fond of the memory of both of them racing towards Indraprastha on their chariot, her jovial laughs mixing with the whistling winds, and their hands finding each other's for the first time. Krishna knew from the start, he had to admit, and also took great delight in matchmaking, it seemed. Another one of his greatest achievements, he declared on their wedding and Dau couldn't help himself but laugh.

Watching the sunset go by, with rosy streaks of clouds embracing it's rays in their wisps, and feeling as content as he could be, he felt something else in her hand, a ring. He turned towards her with a curious smile, "what is that?" "Something that I acquired today, a white pearl-embedded ring." she answered in an eager tone, "It's beautiful, the flawless white is enchanting." "But still, not the purest white I have ever seen" she said unexpectedly, while smiling at him, and he understood what she meant, for she and her brother were quite similar in flinging those suprising compliments which came towards him from out of the blue.

"Let it be your charm of good luck from me, let it be a shield that keeps you safe from all harm" she requested. "I am grateful to you Subhadrey, I will protect it with my life." "Leave it to you to misunderstand the simplest of things, Arya. It's the other way round, you are not supposed to protect the charm, it's supposed to protect you." she sighed dramatically. "Then, I will accept it with great gratitude, but only if you will accept one from me" he proposed with a twinkle in his eyes, "alright then, I accept it but what and where is it?". "Your smile." Arjun smiled softly "always keep it with yourself, for me. So that, as long as you have it, you'll be safe from all bad and harmful things. As long as it's there, I'll rest assured that your smile will protect you in my stead."

In the years that follow, a humble ascetic, meditating rigidly in the forests that extend afar, with the bearings of a warrior, keeps only one artifact of wealth on his person, a ring tied inside a knot of his rough cloth, hidden from the world; but not hidden from the one who lives her life in prosperity, but even among all that wealth lost her most valuable piece of heart, and lives on with a resilient, enduring smile as she waits patiently, for him to come back to her, on their promised halfway...

[warrioreowynofrohan]

Thingol, for the opinion thingy?

I am very behind on my Asks and I’m sorry this one has taken so long!

Opinions on Thingol: I’ve ended up with quite a lot of them, and I think I’ve become more sympathetic to him that I was initially when my predominant impressions of him all derived from the Leithian.

He does come across very, very poorly in the Leithian. At the point when your child is a few thousand years old, they are certainly competent to decide whom they wish to marry!  This stands out even more in the context of LACE, which indicates that (at least among the Amanyar elves) 1) it was common to be married soon after after age fifty, and be informally engaged ever earlier than that; 2) elves rarely made such choices impulsively or wrongly; and 3) elves could marry whomever they wished, and familial consent was not required (though doing without it was discourteous), meaning that within elven customs Thingol had no right whatsoever to demand anything of Beren; Lúthien and Beren had every right to wed irrespective of what Thingol thought of it. It isn’t a medieval European society where parental control over marriage is the norm.

Thingol is very deliberately and openly trying to get Beren killed in a way that, technically, leaves his hands clean. And almost equally notably, in a different way, he does absolutely nothing when he learns that his nephew has been captured by Sauron, and actively tries to prevent anyone else (well, with ‘anyone else’ being his daughter) from doing anything either, in a way that suggests he regards Finrod – who he actually likes – as being acceptable collateral damage for getting rid of an unwanted prospective son-in-law.

What made my opinion of him more complex is that the story of Túrin suggests that Thingol realized how wrong he was and was, in a sense, trying to atone for his treatment of Beren by adopting this human child. And he went to great lengths to guard and guide him, to the point of pardoning him for deeds that were on the line between manslaughter and homicide, and sending one of his top warriors away from the front lines in order to guard him, even when Túrin was keeping very poor company.

And it’s after this attempt fails, and fails horribly, that he begins to become obsessed with the Silmaril. Because if, in obtaining this jewel, he has lost everything else, and he cannot make it right, and the universe appears to have rejected his attempt at atonement, then the jewel must be of unimaginable worth, because it’s the only way of conceptualizing its cost. (The fact that the Nauglamír is both cursed and has had Glaurung sitting on it for years likely does not help.)

 This is the main reason why I do think that he would get out of the Halls of Mandos (which seems to be a disputed question in fanfic) – by the time he dies, he already understands on some level just how badly he has screwed up.

Favourite ship: Well, I generally go with the canon ships, so I suppose him and Melian, but I honestly have to say that Melian deserves better. When you’re  married to someone who is literally older than the world and has a great deal of wisdom, you should occassionally listen to them.

 The degree to which Melian seems to take a step back from decisive action and ruling is very interesting.  I’m particularly thinking of the Leithian, where she tells Lúthien that Beren is held captive, but doesn’t take any action either to aid or or to prevent her from leaving. I’m not sure to what extent this is about her nature as one of the Ainur – a recognition that this is a crucial moment, and how it progresses needs to be determined by the actions of the Children and not of the Powers – and how much it is the choice of a grieving mother who knows where Lúthien’s story is going to go, and where it should go, but can’t bring herself to contribute to it.

Favourite non-romantic relationship: I don’t really have a favourite, but one minor one that interests me is the idea that he must have known and likely been very good friends with Treebeard.  It stands out that the Ents, after taking no part in any of the other events of Beleriand, specifically intervene to punish Thingol’s murderers, and it makes me think that his relationship with the Ents must have been very close, especially in the earlier days before the First Age of the Sun. (Treebeard specifically mentions Neldoreth, a part of Doriath, in one of his songs.) As ruler of a forest kingdom, it fits that he would know and be on good terms with them.

And as almost no one, not even elves, had seen the Ents for many years prior to the War of the Ring, he would doubtless be surprised and delighted to learn, when members of the Fellowship arrived in Valinor, that they had met his old friend!

Unpopular opinion: It’s hard to say which opinions on this character would be unpopular, because the I suspect most views are unpopular in some sectors of the fandom and popular in others! I’m sure that at least one of the ones that I’ve stated qualifies.

Something I wish had happened/would happen with them in canon: I wish that he had been able to reconcile with Lúthien before her death, but I don’t think that he did. To me, the choice of Lúthien and Beren to go live in Ossiriand speaks volumes. Half the rationale for completing the Quest was Beren’s conviction that Lúthien wouldn’t be safe anywhere except Doriath - and then, after completing it, they leave Doriath, the safest place in Beleriand, and go to Ossiriand, which is much less defended and is on the borders of Fëanorian territory.  To me, that says that Lúthien’s relationship with her parents, and for that matter with Doriath as a whole, never really recovered from Thingol first attempting to get her fiancé killed and then imprisoning her. (And Lúthien and Beren’s apparent rejection of both Doriath and their royal status makes Dior’s self-identification as Thingol’s heir - Elúchil - very interesting.)

[mbti-notes]

Hi. I have a question; it’s a bit long but please bear with me. It’s been hard to face but now I know that time has finally come to know the truth. I have a pattern of attracting people with serious life problems, who have lost direction and need some guidance and space to breathe and recharge. I solve their problems, I help them forget about troubles and relax for a moment. Some of them become a part of my life, my close friends. I catch feelings. [1/4]

[con’t: They start to feel better and see life in a more positive way after some time, usually half a year, and then leave me. It’s good for them but I feel very alone, I feel like people only care about me because of my skills and treat me just as a tool. I’m not someone special to them in the way that they are to me. They continue to tell me that we are friends but I sense that their heart has already changed. They see it as an obligation, it’s not their choice, not what they want. It’s not freedom. I too am human, despite being told otherwise numerous times in the childhood and me being ESTP, and sometimes I too need love and attention. I used to grab it and just enjoy myself but it destroys people and I can’t watch that. If I were NFJ, who are usually suited for that “guide” role, I would get satisfaction from helping people, as you do, from obligations of high Fe, but all I feel that way is loneliness and dullness. I am 25 and as I become older Fe need of a relationship becomes louder. I used to not care but now I can’t. What’s my problem with this people? What do I do wrong?]

From what I know, this is an unusual problem for ESTPs in the age bracket that you are referring to, but it is an all too common problem for young ENFJs. Trying to fix broken people is often how NFs run into relationship trouble and feel chronically dissatisfied. Therefore, I am obligated to ask whether you have undergone a proper type assessment. I can’t in good conscience proceed to give type-based suggestions without resolving this question to my satisfaction.

There are also problematic claims to address. We’re not talking about a one time relationship thing that could be chalked up to circumstance or accident; you are describing an unhealthy recurring pattern of decision making that always leaves you in the lurch. Recurring patterns run deep and require deep diving to sort out. 

You claim that you “attract” damaged people rather than taking responsibility for being drawn to them and engaging with them, which raises the question of why you always take on an implicitly submissive and self-victimizing role in your relationship life. 

You claim that you are not suited for the “guide” role in that you don’t get satisfaction from helping people, which raises the question of why you choose to do something you don’t benefit from in the first place.

You claim that people treat you as a tool, use you and abandon you, which raises the question of why you are always so very accommodating to play the role of the tool, seemingly willing to be used.

You claim that you, too, have needs and feelings that should be honored, yet every relationship decision you have made leads you away from your needs in the completely opposite direction, which raises the question of why you care so little for yourself and are so unskilled at self-care. 

You claim that this issue is hard to face and it’s time, which heavily implies that you sat on this problem for a long period and knowingly repeated the mistake, and why would you do that when, deep down, you knew the result and that it would harm you?

Confused judgment, self-deceptive rationales, blindly self-sacrificial behavior, no awareness of personal boundaries, and absolute ignorance of your own motivations is much more characteristic of INFERIOR Ti than auxiliary Ti.

Reflect: What is your true intention when you are helping these people? To your credit, it seems that you don’t enter with the intention to prowl for romance, since you claim that you “catch feelings” later on in the process. But that only leaves a giant question mark about what your intention really is. If your unconscious intention is to get something from them, then it’s no wonder that you feel empty afterwards, because you didn’t get what you wanted.

Type aside, “helping” tends to leave any person feeling empty when they don’t do it for the right reasons. Is it really “helping” when you place unspoken expectations on people (yet can’t fully admit to it)? And is it not somewhat exploitative to use people’s vulnerability as a means to fill an unacknowledged void in yourself? To “help” is to do something for someone else’s good. But when your intentions are impure, the “help” that you offer will be tainted and not turn out as you expect. Some people exhibit the recurring pattern of being drawn to damaged people because it allows them to, for example: maintain a safe emotional distance, feel a false sense of dominance or superiority, elevate themselves through nurturing the potential of another, compensate for personal failure through projecting one’s hopes onto another, cover up low self-worth or low self-esteem through martyrdom, etc. Whether there is a deeper issue at play is for you to reflect upon. There usually is, but only you are able to see the true face of the darkness inside. People repeat a negative pattern because they get something from it, something that they really don’t want to let go of, so what is that thing for you? Time to be more honest with yourself.

Healthy and deep relationships of the kind you seem to desire must be EQUAL. A very simple and elegant way to break this pattern and resolve it is to purposely seek out people on equal footing as you, people that challenge you rather than beg from you, and/or people that you believe are a good match for you rather than merely needing you.

[you-are-worth-the-wait]

hey...this may be a lot and i ramble and if it makes you feel a certain way where you are unsure of how to feel, it’s okay.  it may make you sad, sorry, affraid, frustrated, confused, or what not but just know that this is not a reflection of who you think you are.  it’s more so a reflection of who i know you to be, your self worth, and what I know you deserve and how you deserve to be treated.  i get so passionate and my feelings are magnified when it involves you.  from the highest of the highs to the lowest of the lows.  from the elation of bieng happy, to the depths of depression when i’m sad, to the blinding maddening rage when i’m angry.  if you aren’t ready to deal with that, it’s okay.  but please don’t ever feel that you deserve any of this.  It’s not right. like i explain here too, i’ll do what i can to make you understand and believe what i know to be true.  just know that whatever preconceived notions you may think or have in your mind, you may be wrong.  and if you need any explanation, clarifcation, or reasons as to why my logic is so “messed up”...just ask...*ws*

Love...it has nothing to do with how weak/strong you are, whatever insecurities you have, if i have more resilience than you, who’s got whatever mental fortitude, or whatever else you may think you fall short on. i honestly believe it’s all about trusting in each other, you and me.  i’m not the strongest person in the world either.  maybe i may seem more put together and that i have some kind of resilience to things, but i can be just as weak, afraid, and insecure as the next person.  maybe the one thing i do have going for myself is that i believe and trust myself when i know/want something bad enough and nothing else matters. logic and rationale goes out the window for me.  with you, there is something there that i can’t shake or deny.  why do you think i held out for as long as i did with you?  possibly what you are feeling now, every feeling of doubt, fear, insecurity, weakness, and all…that’s a reflection of how I was feeling when I was trying to make decision of how to break down that last wall/barrier that prevented me from being the way i honestly wanted to be with you.  I was confused, scared, afraid, insecure, protective, guarded, and so much more when it came to my feelings and heart when it came to you.   you were my motivation and inspiration to take a chance with making myself vulnerable to you.  i know you are scared along with a lot of other uncertainties and insecurities you may have about yourself and your life now, choosing to walk away from that life, the fallout and judgement of others, possible fear of his reaction, your family, your friends...everyone.  don’t you think that was going through my mind when i was trying to decide how to make it so that i would be “okay” doing what i was going to do and moving forward with you?  there was a calming strength that you gave me along with a resolve that you could possibly want what I wanted from/with you.  that just grew with every passing moment that i learned more about you and it has culminated to what it is today.  i wish you could see that yes, it’s okay to be afraid and unsure about choosing me because of everything that you think might happen may happen.  but i also wish that in choosing me, you know exactly what you are getting.  the strength, the support, the comfort, the safety, and everything that you feel you may not have or fear you lack.  that I will compliment you in where you feel you may fall short and those attributes will be given, supported, and enhanced when we are together.  i hope you could remember how you feel when you are with me.  the calm, confidence, love, warmth, support, and everything you felt that made you feel safe, even though you were at your most vulnerable.  i kinda wish that that would be something worth taking the risk of leaving the situation you are in.  It’s okay to be afraid and unsure. I was there too. But it was because of you, together, that I was able to find my way to you. I hope you can somehow how trust in me and have the strength, courage, and conviction you need to do the same now in choosing me.

i could never be disappointed in you, or at least it will take a heck of a lot to get me to that point.  remember how i told you that you could show a full range of emotions towards me but disappointment was something that would be one of the hardest things to deal with?  so why would i put that on you or make you feel that if i can help or avoid it?  honestly...it’s sadness, and hurt, despair, hopelessness, and a lot of other things that may look like disappointment, but it isn’t that.  consider it from my point of view.  i explained to you why i feel the way i do.  no matter what he does, good or bad, he’ll always have you there.  me, no matter what i do, i’ve got nothing.  yes, you never asked me to play by your rules, but do you honestly think i could go against it?  if i did, i’d be finding every opportunity to steal every single moment away with you.  an errand here, a break there, a call here, a text...i want to do it all...but i don’t.  i could tempt you to meet me somewhere, i can make up excuses to see you, i could even try to “manipulate” you to steal away every possible moment I can with you.  but I don’t.  i’m choosing not to out of respect for you and him.  with every fight you have, with every misstep he makes, every time he makes you feel insecure, hurts you, belittles you, makes you cry…I feel that those are the only chances i have to possibly get you.  but he does that constantly...and you are still there.  blown chance after blown chance after blown chance...he still has you there.  even when i try to give you logic and reason why you should leave or should have left a long time ago, you are still there.  you constantly give him chances and excuses despite how he treats you and you feel like this is your penance.  i tell you that you don’t deserve this, but you feel you do, so you are still there.  i’ve tried illogical and i’ve tried logical but you still kind of resist what i have to say and subject yourself to this “penance” saying that maybe you deserve it.  so i think that maybe if you did leave or he left...maybe that’s what will be my chance.  but you have threatened that.  he has threatened that.  you both gave each other outs and chances to leave but never take it.  you stay and kept getting hurt. 

so how do you think i feel?  how do i even have a chance or when will i ever get the chance if you’ve said you’d leave, he said he wants to call it quits...but you hang around.  that’s why i’m sad, and hurt, and confused, and frustrated, and so many other things.  it’s as if he has 99 lifelines and he’s gone through 50 and it’s almost as if you feel all the shyt he’s put you through is not enough.  it’s like you need to suffer through one more or the others or the remaining 49 till you finally let go or say, “okay...maybe i don’t deserve this.  I am worth more than this. This isn’t something I’d stand for others to go through, so why am I letting it happen to me? maybe it’s time i give lee a chance.”.  and that’s the thing that does a number on me.  i don’t know where you get the idea that this is “okay” and that you “deserve” this.  You wouldn’t let someone else go through what you are going through. I know I wouldn’t. So every time i feel that i should have a chance by now, he’s given that chance because of the convenience that he’s “there”...that you are “there”.  you guys will always be “there” and i won’t...and that’s what frustrates, hurts, saddens, and kills me.  i’m not disappointed in you Love.  but every time he makes you cry only to make you “happy/smile” for a moment, i feel that should have been my moment...and i’ll never get it...because i’ll never be given that chance. 

 but basically, even though i prolly said it but not as well put together as i could have along with other reasons, that’s why i don’t know what to say, how to feel, and why i die every time i hear that something “nice/good” has happened.  it’s because the “nice” happens after who knows how many screw ups and times he’s hurt you.  every single time i think, “this is it.  this was his last chance,  this is the mess up.  this is the breaking point.  this will make her realize.  this will open her eyes.  this will make her see things for what they are”.  Each and every time he hurts you, questions your actions, makes you question yourself, makes you feel hopeless, helpless, has given you anxiety attacks, every fight, belittling you, and so much more…but it seems like you don’t see it, choose to ignore it, or feel you deserve it…so you stay and you take it.  and when you tell me he makes you “smile”, i lose a part of me because i feel that that should have been me.  that should have been my chance.  That should have been my time.  and with every bad thing that happens, with every out given, even to the point of threatening and wanting to part ways...you are still there.  so that’s where i come in.  that’s where my feelings are.  that’s what i’m looking at and feeling.  That’s why I’m at a lost for words.  Would you allow me to treat someone else the way he has treated you for as long as he has treated you?  what would you say to someone, a friend, if this is what they were going through?  How do you support them when they tell you “I deserve this.”?  when i say i don’t know what to say, i imagine you standing in front of me, telling me the things you are telling me, feeling the way you feel, and all i can think about is knowing that all you have to do is reach out your hand to me or i’m there reaching out my hand to you...but you just stare at me, don’t take my hand, i look into your eyes and seeing all this loss, hurt, confusion, turmoil, and what not.  so why when you look into mine, that’s the feeling of lost and sadness, not disappointment, that is reflected in my eyes and why i don’t know what to say. 

he’s given you almost every opportunity to leave and i’ve given you almost every opportunity to allow you to choose me, but you are where you are right now...but i’m not disappointed.  i don’t see or think about you any less.  i still believe in you and the things you are doing.  it just hurts like hell that you are still there, him with all his chances despite every reason and opportunity you’d think would have been enough to help you realize what’s going on.  every possible chance i could have been given, he was afforded it instead.  does he deserve it?  who’s to say.  maybe yes, maybe no.  but i guess it’s all judgement as well as perspective since the same could be said about you.  do you deserve this “penance”?  you say yes, i say no, others may agree or disagree.  all i know is i “see” what’s happening to you and i have no idea how to make you see or realize you don’t deserve this and if you honestly feel that you do, then realistically, you may never give yourself or me a chance for that matter.  that’s not disappointment you see/feel Love.  what you may be feeling at this moment of realization...the hurt and sadness...that’s what i feel.  it sucks, it hurts, and i’ve experienced it every time he’s been given a “chance” that i thought should have been mine.  so every time i die a little inside, i can’t help but give myself a “you fucking poor bastard” smile and laugh because, like i said, it is so comically tragic the rollercoaster of emotions i go through, all because i love and care for you as much as i do...*ws*

I know I rambled a lot but this is where I’m coming from. He hurt you for who knows how long. Weeks. Months. And you gave him chance after chance and he blew each and every one. It’s like you gave him 30 chances and he messed each of them up, beating you down every time, making you question yourself, driving you to hopelessness, helplessness, sadness. And on the 31th chance, he makes you “smile”, or finally decides he wants to treat you right, and it’s okay? That’s so messed up. If I messed up once, maybe I’d ask for an allowance of a second mess up, but I’d do all I could to make things right hopefully by the 3rd time. Why the hell would I want to constantly put you through shyt? And that’s what he’s done. So he screws up the 4th, 5th, 16th, 27th, all those chances. All those chances that were given to him could have been mine. And after weeks and months of shyt, he’s “nice” and you are affected in a way that feel there is something there? That’s heartbreaking to me because I would have stopped putting you through hell on the first day I realized I treated you like shyt. I would have made sure that I figured out why things were so messed up the moment something was wrong. You’ve been beaten down and treated like shyt for so long that of course a reprieve and a “motivation of goodness” is going to seem like an amazing thing to you. I mean, even in the desert, a drop of water is going to be a game changer.  And that hurts. Because I have been showering you with every fiber from my being from the start. I wouldn’t have beaten you down so badly that “him making you smile” would mean so much. So of course a singular act/motivation of kindness will seem huge. Whereas that is something that I would give to you every day, and I have. Would you or anyone take it for granted, who knows. But that’s what gets me. All his other wasted chances could have been my one chance.  And his sporadic and moments of “motivation of goodness” after weeks and months of shyt...I have no idea how it compares to me believing in you all this time. His singular glimmer of hope throughout all this shyt, does it mean more because of all the shyt he’s put you through that it stands out so brightly. As compared to me telling you every day how I feel and care about you? I feel as if you have been dragged through all this and been beaten so badly that you may be blinded by this “good” that it overshadows the constant that I’ve been trying to give you and make you see. That’s not disappoint you see. It’s sadness, hurt, confusion, frustration, maybe even to the point of desperation. Like, what more am I supposed to do or what can I do to compete for you.  do I have to be a jerk and treat you or someone like shyt so they will see the good in me?  Eff...maybe it’s even anger because all I want to do is hold you and comfort you after he’s hurt you every single time but I can’t do a damn thing. But it’s not directed at you. It’s directed about the situation. It would be the same way for others too.  I wouldn’t want anyone to go through what you are going through.  but it means and hurts more to me because it is you. It’s times when I allow myself to be immersed in all of this, try to make sense of this, let it consume me, and when I can’t find a rational or irrational explanation...it messes me up. So I don’t say anything to you or anyone else. I stay silent. And if you ask me how I feel...I will tell you that I am all right.

so the words you see on the screen or if you were to look into my eyes, it may mimick disappointment, but i hope you realize and understand the difference and why it hurts me when you hurt.  i hurts me when he hurts you, when others hurt you, when you are brought down, when you are forced to question your actions, when you are forced to question others’ actions, when you don’t know who to trust and open up to, when you are still in the stiuation you are in, to see the confusion that you are in, to possibly reasoning and making justifications that you deserve this when you don’t, when most every sign you see tells you to leave and yet you feel you “deserve” all this shyt so you stay.  it’s not disappoinment Love.  it’s sadness.  it’s frustration.  it’s realizing that any chance that i could have been given, it was given to him out of “convenience”, or possibly “excuses” in thinking you aren’t strong enough or may not have as much mental fortitude, because you do.  you just don’t realize it because you’ve been beaten down so much.  you are so much more than what you give yourself credit for.  don’t let other determine your value and self worth.  you know who you are.  you know the type of person you can be.  just think about the person you are when you are with me.  that’s the real you.  every awesomeness, crappiness, over achieving, insecure, intelligent, “naive”, and everything in between and beyond those spectrums...that’s who you are.  i wish you could see that Love...i honestly do.  maybe then you wouldn’t be as “confused”, timid, afraid, or see yourself as how you think yourself to be...because that’s not you.  i’m trying my best to live up to my promise that i would do everythig i can till you see and believe in yourself to be the person that i see and believe in.  eff...i hate getting preachy with run ons having no direction or finsihing whatever thought i started.  

and don’t say that you are sorry.  you have nothing to apologize for.  I need you stop apologizing and feeling sorry for me or for yourself.  You want to apologize or find a way to make it up to me?  take all that energy you expend on feeling sorry for me, for yourself, for my situation, or whatever it is that you telling yourself that you feel you owe to me, and use it for the betterment of yourself.  Do I want you to miss me, yes.  Do I want you to realize you are making a mistake every single day you are still in that situation, I do.  Do I want you to feel sorry for what you and I are going through, in a way, yes and no. but i don’t want you to keep dwelling on that or feeling sorry for me.  every time you have the moment that you want to start pitying me and want to apologize to me, take that “sorry”/negative energy and use it for yourself.  stop wasting time in apologizing to me and use that energy to build yourself up.  use it to look at what is going on around you.  use it to see what is going on.  use it to see what i see.  to really evaluate your situation.  to see past all this smoke screen in front of you.  and here i thought i manipulated people.  Love, i feel you are just being played and toyed with, emotionally, psychologically, mentally, so much so to the point where you yourself have no idea what to think.  i know you’ve had these moments before but seriously, has it ever taken you this long to realize or figure things out?  I just want you to realize where you are.  To open up your mind and heart.  To see things for what they are and not what he’s manipulated them, and you, to be.  

In all honesty, when it comes to you and me, we are the ones causing the pain to ourselves.  and if we are causing it to each other, it’s not purposeful or intentional.  it’s what we perceive and feel based on what the other person is going through.  What you have going on over there, it’s a little more complicated and messed up because not only are you and him causing pain on yourselves, but you two and inflicting pain on each other.  yours is not intentional, but he’s made it clear that what you say and do does affect him.  he may not physically abuse you but he is purposely mentally, psychologically, and emotionally attacking you and saying things to purposely hurt you and bring you down.  i don’t know how you would ever let anyone get away with that being done to someone else.  how you would let the person who says they “love” you to get away with that and for so long and how much longer.  i can tell if i may say things and you may take it the wrong way and you think i’m berating you trying to beat you down.  like the tandem bike thing.  remember how you saw me in that moment?  that’s me taking out all my frustration and agression on the situation, the bike, myself, everything.  but it was never directed at you.  you may have gotten caught in the cross fire and i apologized once i saw how it affected you.  but none of what i said was ever directed at you.  i never said, “why can’t YOU do this.  what’s wrong with YOU.  YOU are stupid.  YOU are messed up.”  i never mentiioned, directed, or put any of that on you.  i was mainly frustrated with myself and everything spilled from there.  but from your side, what he does and what he says, it’s directed right at you and it’s main purpose and goal is to attack you and make you feel like shyt.  that’s what i hav a problem with.  that’s what saddens, angers, frustrates, confuses me.  what he is doing and saying, that’s something i would consciously and knowingly do to hurt someone.  and you know me.  if i want to fuck with someone and their mind, i’d do it, and i’d have fun doing it, and if i ever did do something as fucked up as that, it may look exactly like what he is doing to you.  except he’s not having “fun” with it.  it’s intentful, direct, and so purposeful in that it has one goal and one purpose, to tear you down.  and that...is fucked up...*sigh*

In my situation…i’m the one who’s causing this pain on myself.  i can choose to walk away, i can choose to not write out my feelings, i can choose to stop caring about what is happening to you, I can choose to stop caring about you, what he’s doing to you, the situation you are in, i can choose to get rid of everything i have here that reminds me of you, i can choose to delete all our pictures and videos, i can choose to get rid of my letters, i can choose to get rid of our photo album...but i choose not to.  i still choose to keep you in my life.  just as you still choose to read my randomness, you still choose to respond to me, you still choose to keep our memories alive, you still choose to call me, you still choose to open up to me and tell me how you feel, you still choose to tell him the truth and admit that i do still mean something to you.  we both know that we are both hurting but we choose to keep doing what we are doing...and i don’t regret it.  i’ll endure this pain as long as i can if it means that i get the chance or the possibility that i could have you the way i want to have you in my life.  and don’t think that by “dropping” me you’d be sparing me from pain, because i don’t know if i’m wired or i could accept that.  i’d find a way to twist your altruistic gesture into thinking that you’ve just given up on me...*ws*  but just as you can’t give me a timeline, i also know that i don’t know how resilient or how “strong” i can be.  just as hopefully someday you will come to the realization that you need to walk away from there, that i am meant for you, and you are ready to accept me, i could be just as “bad” and realize that i’m not meant for this “pain” either and walk away.  worst case scenario is the day you have that “realization” will be the day i “realize” things too.  with all the people i’ve lost interest in, you can prolly tell that once that interest/spark is gone in my eyes, mind, and heart, it most likely won’t come back.  that’s prolly my biggest fear.  when you are finally ready…i’ll be gone. 

[goodguyjean]

What's up! Both Armin and Jean are my favorite characters, they were since I first got into the manga and I loved each of their character developments and overall growth. I loved seeing Armin and Jean's friendship grow through out the story, and considering the "separation" between the main trio, which I think will be due to a difference in ideals. Being Armin and Jean think alike and work well together, do you think Jean will side with Armin and get his back during the trio split? Thanks!

Hi there! Sorry, it’s been kind of a busy weekend for me and mysemester is just starting up so I’m a bit behind on my inbox ^^’ Thanks foryour patience! 

I’ve thought about this question quite a bit, and I think itwill come down to what exactly is going to be the basis of the “separation” of the members of theShiganshina Trio. Personally, I think it’s going to come down to how much each member of the trio is willing to sacrifice in order to achieve their goal–and, according to the newest guidebook, they’re starting to realize just how much their goals currently differ. As Isayama discusses in a recent interview in said guidebook, Armin wanted to see the sea for its own sake, because it was a wonder of nature, but Eren wanted to see it as an act of defiance, because he felt indignation that he was held back from seeing it by the Walls and the titans. Mikasa’s goal has always been protecting her family, but that goal has started shift as she’s dedicated herself to the Survey Corps and given herself to the military discipline that comes with being part of such a group. Eren’s view of the world is actually quite uncompromising, and realizing that he can’t have the absolute freedom he once dreamed of has led him to despair. In the face of such insurmountable odds and the revelation that the Walldians’ enemies have been other humans all along–technically other Eldians, who have been enslaved and forced to act as living weapons because of their unique ability to transform into titans–Eren clings to his comrades and refuses to sacrifice them for a cause so hopeless (to Eren’s mind post-Uprising/Shiganshina) as defeating Marley, and thus it is actually Eren who is now most closely aligned with Jean ideologically. I am not sure if Jean will be forced to “side” with any particular member of the trio, but I imagine that if it comes to that he will feel torn between his close friendship with Armin and his ideals. 

And, quite frankly, I would like Jean to stick to his ideals if they ever come into conflict with his feelings for Armin, as much as it pains my inner-Jearmin shipper to say this. Armin and Jean have always disagreed about the ends justifying the means, and I can actually envision an ending where Armin and Mikasa end up on one side of this debate and Eren and Jean end up on the other. Which, considering how ideologically opposed Eren and Jean are at the beginning of the series, would be kind of poetic. However, I can equally see Jean prioritizing his connection with Armin in spite of any ideological divide between the two of them–and there is, based the events surrounding Reiner’s capture in chapter 83, the potential that Jean is shifting into a more tactical mindset such as Armin has.

I’m sorry, this probably wasn’t the answer you (or any of my fellow Jearmin fans) were looking for, but if you want a full explanation for my thinking I’ve typed it all out under the cut. :( As always, feel free to discuss, raise counterpoints, and offer alternative readings!

When we last saw ourWalldian heroes, Eren, Mikasa, and Armin were already starting to disconnect on the question of sacrifice. Armin was able to sacrifice himselfand his personal dream of seeing the ocean in order to defeat Bertolt, andMikasa was eventually able to accept Armin’s sacrifice when Hange and Levidiscussed reviving Erwin instead, but Eren absolutely could not let Armin go.Ultimately, the decision to save Armin instead of Erwin fell entirely toLevi, but we see a lack of alignment in ideology between the three friendshappening on that rooftop that haunts their confrontation with Floch in chapter 90.

Floch praising Mikasa for having let Armin go, chapter 90.

Additionally, Eren has theorized that he can activate the Coordinate that currently lies dormant within him if he touches someone of royal blood while they are a titan (the published edition says “consumes,” but Isayama has apparently corrected this mistake, which also exists in the Japanese version of the chapter). Just as he was unable to give up on Armin while he lay dying on the rooftop, Eren resolves that he simply cannot sacrifice Historia, even if doing so would give him the Coordinate’s full powers.

Chapter 89. Eren tries to tell himself he’s not 100% sure that titanizing Historia would actually allow him to use the Coordinate anyway. Armin looks at him suspiciously. Eren decides to keep his new theory a secret from everyone, including Armin.

Chapter 90. “But I’m not prepared to sacrifice Historia.”

Now it’s not clear to me that Armin and Mikasa necessarilywould be willing to sacrifice Historia, only that Eren must suspect them of being able to do so, or else he wouldn’t keep his theory such a secret. He feels he cannot tell anyone without risking Historia’s life. What is very interesting to me is that Eren is specifically suspicious of what the Corps will do to Historia, and that his decision not to reveal his idea to Armin and Mikasa means that he sees them as completely aligned with their chosen military branch. They proved their loyalty through their sacrifice: Eren, who was unable to give up Armin for Erwin, suddenly feels distanced from the very group he spent the first half of the series lionizing as the paragons of freedom. Whether or not Mikasa and Armin would actually be willing to go to such extremes to win the war against Marley, Eren has seen them sacrifice so much and feels disconnected with them on this specific issue, creating a frisson which, quite frankly, we can already feel.

Which brings us to Jean, Attack on Titan’s harshest critic of sacrificing others for a cause and compromising on one’s moral convictions, and the person who has been the most vocal about his doubts concerning the Survey Corps’ methodology over the course of the series. Ifdisagreement over the value of sacrifice is to be the primary source of tension amongthe Shiganshina Trio, I am not entirely sure that Jean will “side” with Armin, at least ideologically–it will depend on which way his arc of development is leaning. Jean’s guidebook entry speculates that he is still struggling with killing other people, even enemy combatants such as a Reiner. Of course, Reiner is a particularly complicated case because he was once Jean’s comrade, but Jean has always had the hardest time harming other people, and I never thought his qualms were “settled” by killing someone in the Reiss Family Chapel in order to rescue Eren. 

Jean kills someone for the first time, chapter 64. 

Jean is incredibly upset when he thinks he’s killed Reiner, chapter 77.

Jean stops Hange from killing Reiner, chapter 83. 

This last scene with Reiner presents some problems of interpretation for me, because even though Jean saves Reiner’s life, it’s framed as a temporary reprieve. He asks Hange to wait so that the Survey Corps can administer the Titan Serum to someone and have them eat Reiner in order to gain his shifter abilities. It is Hange who hesitates, Hange who would rather kill Reiner than force another person to take on the burden of being a titan (and at this point, the Survey Corps don’t even know about the Curse of Ymir!), although Hange is also weighing the pros and cons of just removing Reiner from the field completely by killing him. When Hange expresses doubt that the conditions for using the Titan Serum have not been met, Jean suggests that the Walled World is losing because they’re not willing to play by their enemies’ rules.

Chapter 83.

Here, as I’ve suggested in previous metas, Jean seems to be moving closer to Armin’s way of thinking, at least on the surface. Armin is not ruthless, but he has suggested that in order to “win” the war with the titans, some people are going to have to dirty their hands. In this moment, Jean makes a very Armin-like suggestion, and even chides Hange for not being willing to take a risk to acquire another shifter–a huge asset for the now decimated Survey Corps.

Chapter 83.

Of course, which way Jean is leaning ideologically depends on what exactly his motivations were for stepping in and preventing Hange from killing Reiner. Is he primarily motivated by a desire to gain another shifter, or is he grasping at straws because he’s not ready to see Reiner die? I think it could be a bit of both, and not much clarity is offered as the scene progresses.

Chapter 83. 

Is Jean questioning why he would argue for Reiner’s strategic value, or questioning why he would step in to help Reiner? Personally, I’m currently leaning a little bit towards the latter reading of these panels, because of the way Jean berates himself after Reiner is rescued by Zeke. He clearly blames himself for preventing Hange from killing Reiner, even if he did have a rationale.

Chapter 84.

Evidently, the value of sacrifice is still an open question for Jean, even though he certainly admires Armin’s resolve and understands that Armin has made sacrifices primarily for the good of the group. This scene in Shiganshina echoes Jean’s guilt over forcing Armin’s hand when he himself is unable to kill an MP, even at the potential cost of his own life.  He feels like he has failed his friends and failed the team in his commitment to a very rigid system of ethics. However, while Levi agrees that Jean’s hesitation put the whole squad at risk, he doesn’t pronounce that Jean’s values are therefore incorrect, leaving Jean room to continue questioning what he should do in any given situation.

Chapter 59. 

Given events in recent chapters, Jean has clearly not put his doubts to rest, and Levi implies that there may even be value in allowing them to continue existing even if that ultimately puts Jean at odds with the Survey Corps and even society writ large. To echo Armin’s words to Annie before the Battle of Stohess, Jean’s inability to sacrifice people and fully incorporate into the Survey Corps may make him a “bad soldier” for the Corps, but a “good person” in other situations. Jean can choose with whom he wants to ally himself; for the remainder of the Uprising it is with the Survey Corps, but he could change his position. And if Eren is also beginning to doubt, to resist sacrificing everything in order to fully commit to the cause, I can see a situation where Jean and Eren are ultimately allies. 

None of this is to say, of course, that Armin doesn’t struggle with these questions himself, or that Jean doesn’t potentially have Armin’s back irregardless of their differing view points. Jean clearly loves Armin (however you want to interpret that love: platonic, romantic, whatever) and feels incredibly guilty when Armin stains his hands with the blood Jean could not bring himself to draw, even at risk to his own life.

Chapter 59. 

Jean does not turn away from Armin or judge him at this moment; he primarily feels guilt (although, Jean was under attack, so I hesitate that the fault entirely lies with him) that he has caused Armin this intense emotional pain. Also Armin wrestles with the reality of having killed someone, someone who was herself a human, who also hesitated to shoot her enemy. Eren may, in fact, be overestimating Armin’s ability to sacrifice, and Armin and Jean may actually never fall out, particularly if Jean is sliding into a more nuanced vision of the world which can accommodate some sacrifice even if it rejects total commitment to a cause.

Ultimately, I think, Jean, Armin, Eren, and Mikasa are all going to be faced with the question of how far they’re willing to go in the service of the Survey Corps and in the service of the Walldians more generally. How they respond to this pressure will likely determine their future alliances, but I will say that I do not think they are set in stone. Although Eren and Jean disagree a lot at the beginning of the story, they come to meet in the middle, with Jean seeing some value in fighting for a cause while Eren has tried to be more responsible to his comrades and to think before he acts. They both struggle with compromising their ethics, and I think there’s a way in which they may ultimately be the most closely aligned of the remaining characters in the upcoming arc. Although I think both of them care for Armin a great deal, one can see the potential cracks in their friendship. What Isayama will actually decide to do, however … I can’t really say. 

Thanks for the note, anon. Sorry it kinda turned into me chewing over this issue; I’ve been doing a great deal of thinking on this matter, and I can’t come to any easy answers about what is going to happen; all I can say is that I don’t think Eren and Armin growing apart automatically means Jean will step up to fill Eren’s place at Armin’s side. It all depends on what exactly is at stake in their disagreement. 

[hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger]

The Vindication of Venom Part 10: Diving Deeper

Part 9

Part 11

We’ve established that Brock was a delusional psychotic but there is in fact much more to his psychology that has to examined if we are to address the criticism in question.

 ·         Eddie Brock’s motivations for hating Spider-Man are weak and make no sense

Whether you believe Brock was always delusional or that his delusions began upon the loss of his career, it wasn’t as though he was one symbiote away from being the homicidal maniac we meet in ASM #300.

  Indeed, it is possible to argue that Brock was not truly mentally unstable at the time that he began blaming Spider-Man for his job loss, merely that he was in denial over it being his fault.* However whether you believe that or not there is no doubt that he was clearly mentally unstable and truly delusional by the time the symbiote found him, and that it was in this state that they gave birth to Venom.

 Brock came to be in this disturbed state not so much because of the loss of his job in and of itself, but from the life he led in response to his ruined career. It was this that truly drove him into the depths of depravity and cemented his delusions along with his burning hatred of Spider-Man.

 For starters Brock’s life fell apart, which would already put a massive strain on anyone’s mind. This would be an especially big blow if we believe that he really did have a prestigious career as he claimed and was now facing accusations on ethical grounds. However to merely survive he had to demean himself to trite articles about trivial matters such as celebrity scandals. This would give his ego, self-esteem and general mental stability another blow. Again this would’ve hit home even harder if you run with the idea that he had begun as successful and respected news journalist to a major metropolitan newspaper.

 One might also argue that long-term exposure to such seedy material could also have poisoned (if you’ll pardon the pun) Brock in regards to his mental health. This is not dissimilar to how police officers exposed to horrific crimes can be mentally affected by what they see. The same can be true of soldiers.** Brock even touches on this notion when he says: 

And the garbage I was forced to write began to rot my soul.

 Not helping matters was the apparent isolation Brock experienced. I don’t just mean being shunned by his colleagues (or as we later find out, by his ex-wife and father) I mean looking at the flashback images they paint a picture of Brock as truly having no one in his life. No friends, no other colleagues, nobody, at least nobody he’d have any kind of comforting connection to. The impression given is that he was just by himself doing little except furiously exercising, writing mean spirited drivel, and ruminating upon his misfortunes and the causes of them, all of which is obviously unhealthy.

 When in such a dark place in his life and surrounded by little but ‘venomous’ articles and his own frustrated and tormented thoughts (many of which focused upon hating Spider-Man) Brock’s mind likely magnified his negative feelings. In doing so he reinforced his beliefs and by extension exacerbated the mental instability he was suffering from; almost like a psychological echo chamber. If I am not mistaken, in psychology this would be referred to as ‘positive reinforcement’, although the things it is positively reinforcing are negative thoughts and behaviours.

 This is likely the reason that all of Brock’s exercise didn’t  relieve his stress. And given just how much muscle he had, he was he was obviously doing a lot of exercise, giving us an indication of just how  incredibly stressed, frustrated and otherwise negative he was.

 Indeed the degree to which Brock exercised, the way he describes violently hurting Spider-Man and the wall of news clippings about Spidey he possessed speaks to someone with an obvious unhealthy obsession. Brock again admits as much about this when he claims the headlines on his wall ‘fed his hatred’, as much a constant reminder of what he’d lost as his seething hatred for Spider-Man.

 Essentially Brock was in a vicious cycle that simultaneously made him more and more mentally unstable and reinforced his irrational delusions about himself and his hatred for the Wall-Crawler. Add on a Catholic upbringing that seems to have provided a problematic way for Brock to contextualize the world and you have a recipe for disaster.

 And at first that disaster took the form of Brock seriously considering suicide, which truly speaks to how mentally fragile he really was at the point where he encountered the symbiote.

 Is it honestly any wonder that someone under these conditions might irrationally blame someone else for their misfortunes and then fan the flame of that blame into an obsessive hatred?

 I’ll go a step further. Does this truly make for such a ‘weak’ motivation from a creative point of view?

There are other cases real and fictional that echo Brock’s actions, at least as far as his irrational delusions and scapegoating blame are concerned.

 In the excellent animated television series Gargoyles (courtesy of Greg Weisman, of Spectacular Spider-Man and Young Justice fame), the villainess Demona seeks to give her people (the eponymous gargoyle creatures) dominion over the castle they share with medieval humans, whom she has little love for. To this end she arranges for the castle to be invaded by Vikings, the intention being that they would rid the castle of the humans leaving her people in peace. 

However, things go awry and her own people wind up massacred. Whilst initially seeming to blame herself, she quickly shifts all the blame she quickly shifts all blame onto the humans who actually perpetrated the massacre and by extension all humanity. She accepted little-no responsibility as the true instigator of her people’s demise, spending centuries blaming others.

Both Emil Gregg and Stan Carter themselves in fact present cases of delusional and mentally unstable individuals. 

From a sane and rational point of view anyone looking at either character must ask why precisely Gregg would ever believe himself to be a mass murderer when he has no evidence of that beyond hearing plans for some attacks that eventually took place. 

And in Carter’s case, why would he think it was a good idea to kill people merely because they were soft on crime, especially when he was himself a police officer and could probably be tougher on crime himself in various ways?

Well in the former’s case ‘he was crazy’ (in what way I do not recall ever being specified) and in the latter’s he was also mentally ill due to experimental drugs.

In fact at one point during the Death of Jean DeWolff arc, the story goes out of it’s way to point out how Sin Eater is a ‘religious lunatic’. It presents Carter himself basically outright stating that his rationale for killing only makes sense to himself. He does this whilst confessing to a Priest, claiming his actions have religious righteousness behind them. Then he kills said priest, which one would imagine is at least a little hypocritical of him. 

Retroactively the same came be said of Carter’s murder of Jean DeWolff herself. In a sequel story called ‘the Return of Sin Eater’, Peter David (author of the original story) had Carter claim that he and Jean were lovers. 

It is arguable that this was a claim born of Carter’s disturbed mind. However if taken at face value Carter’s decision to kill someone he cared about (maybe even loved) seems rather confusing from a rational point of view.

Additionally Gregg was on some level aware that the priest in question was a target for murder and admitted he tried to warn him but did so in a vague, indirect way, claiming he couldn’t bring himself to confess. Isn’t this arguably just a little illogical on his part?

En masse readers of the time and later years have accepted Gregg and Carter’s motivations as perfectly valid for their actions. Indeed the story that both characters were vital parts of (‘The Death of Jean DeWolff’) has been acclaimed since its publication in the mid-1980s.

Yet despite both of them being directly referenced in Venom’s origin, Eddie Brock similarly being mentally unstable and that instability being inherently linked to his hatred of Spidey, Venom’s origin and motives are regarded as an unacceptably weak. It doesn’t make a lot of sense.

In fact there are villains a plenty in superhero fiction who, like Brock, take up a vendetta against people for reasons which boil down to them looking for someone to blame and/or their own issues; which can include mental instability.

Perhaps the prime examples from the Spider-Man franchise are J. Jonah Jameson, Harry Osborn and Norman Osborn, all generally popular characters.

Jameson of course hinges a lot of his career and reputation on the ruination, capture or sometimes even death of Spider-Man to the point of where it is truly irrational. There has never been a truly definitive answer on that one and the answers we have gotten boil down to Jonah having serious issues. But these answers don’t make Jonah’s actions any less irrational or unreasonable. Especially when he is literally creating super villains like the Scorpion to capture someone he simply doesn’t like for no valid reason.

It is curious how readers accept one person with a flattop haircut having a seething and irrational hatred for Spider-Man but not another one. Especially when that other one is so over the edge that he wants to violently murder the wall-crawler and considered suicide?

Harry Osborn of course was a drug addict in his youth, but as we later found out was also himself in denial (and possibly delusional) about the nature of his upbringing. Whilst he’d believed for years that he and his father had a friendly relationship flashbacks revealed that to not be the case. Norman Osborn was at times distant and at other times critical and abusive.

In the iconic Amazing Spider-Man #122 Harry witnessed the ‘final’ battle between Spider-Man and his father Norman Osborn/the green Goblin, wherein the latter tried to impale Spidey in the back with a glider. Of course Spider-Man dodged thanks to his Spider Sense and Norman was seemingly killed instead.

Despite witnessing this scene (and being aware of his father’s murder of his friend Gwen Stacy) Harry unabashedly blamed Spider-Man  for his father’s death. Initially the story culminated in Harry being taken to a mental institution and despite recovering, in later life he relapsed and was clearly mentally unstable.

In Norman’s case he was explicitly implied to be insane in ASM #40.

Later in ASM #121 Norman blames Harry’s drug problems not on Harry himself, nor on his own failure as a father, but on Harry’s friends, especially Peter.

In the 1990s one shot ‘the Osborn Journal’ Norman does something similar. Not only does he blame Mary Jane  for Harry’s drug problems, but he also blames Peter for driving Harry to his death. Harry had used a new version of the strength enhancing Goblin formula that proved toxic to his system. Norman was fully aware of these facts and yet instead of attributing blame to himself or Harry he blamed Peter Parker.

In both cases we have clearly mentally unhinged individuals who are blaming Peter Parker for bad things in their life which rationally it is at best difficult to truly hold him accountable to.***

J.R. Fettinger (whom I’ve cited before in this series) not only finds these motives for both characters logical, but also  (rightly) celebrates Norman Osborn as a great and complex villain character. He is not alone as I’ve yet to encounter anyone who finds these motivations illogical or examples of poor writing. But despite Venom being far from dissimilar to either character Fettinger and other readers still hold him in contempt on both counts.

To be fair, their problems with the character and issue as a whole might lie less with recognizing Brock’s mental instability and more with his seemingly flimsy reasons for targeting Spider-Man specifically.

That’s okay though, because that’s the subject of the next instalment.

*I find this very unlikely personally. I think Brock was delusional to some degree when he lost his job and just got worse.

**This is partially why alcoholism and other substance abuses can be prevalence among the police officers and soldiers.

***I admit that Norman and Harry Osborn’s vendettas against Spider-Man began in the 1960s-1970s when writing standards for comics were not what they were by the time ASM #300 was published. However both characters had revivals as villains in the 1990s and those old vendettas revisited and expanded. 

P.S. The symbiote’s interactions with Brock and it’s unnatural presence as a part of his mind and body probably wasn’t going to help his state of mind given it’s fragility at that point in time. 

Part 9

Part 11

[chamerionwrites]

I’m not taking factual issue with Galen’s statement; I’m perfectly willing to believe that another scientist could have built the Death Star if he hadn’t (though I absolute believe Galen’s refusal would have delayed them; the Empire wouldn’t have wasted the time and effort to track him down if there had been other researchers they could easily have replaced him with). I’m taking ETHICAL issue with it. “If I hadn’t done it, someone else would have” is not a particularly strong moral argument. At all.

He is the galaxy’s foremost scientific expert on kyber crystals. He knows EXACTLY what their destructive potential is, and exactly what the Empire wants him to build. That’s why he ran away from them in the first place. The entire first scene of the movie (and the entirety of Catalyst, for those who have read the novel) establishes that Galen fled from the Empire because he didn’t want to help them build the Death Star – aka, a weapon specifically designed for its capacity to destroy planets and thus cow the galaxy into order and submission.

I am not demanding suicide and I am certainly not lionizing death. I’m talking about principled refusal, and it’s disingenuous to conflate the two as if praise of the latter is glorifying the former. There have been many, many people in real life who have refused to comply with fascist governments, knowing that it would – immediately or later – result in their deaths. They were not “copping out” and they certainly were not making a non-choice, or failing to act. They were choosing to refuse. And yes, that is ABSOLUTELY an assertion of agency. It’s honestly pretty offensive to suggest otherwise. (It’s also moving the goalposts of your argument; a few posts up you were praising heroism that no one ever sees and that makes no difference, and now you’re saying that heroism that doesn’t matter to the world at large is taking the easy way out in favor of preserving your own idea of innocence.) You’ll note that I took particular care to state that refusal to comply is not the answer for every person in every scenario every time. I didn’t even demand that this is what Galen should have done. All I said was that if you’re going to talk about the range of moral options that are available to people who live under oppressive totalitarian governments, you can’t leave that one out of the equation.

But in truth, all of this is ranging pretty far from my original point. Which is, in a nutshell:

1. When you’re making end-justifies-the-means moral arguments - and the rationale for Galen’s choices follows that basic pattern - it’s extremely important to weigh the question of what happens if those means do not achieve the desired end. But, by virtue of the fact that we all already know Galen’s gamble succeeds, Rogue One evades this question. We should ask it of ourselves.

2. It’s a more than a bit weird to frame the assassination of a man who built a planet-killer for a totalitarian regime as morally ambiguous (and it is) if you don’t ALSO frame the act of building a planet-killer for a totalitarian regime as morally ambiguous (because it is!).

That’s it. That’s my point. I’m not making definitive demands about what Galen should or should not have done, which I think is difficult to do with the very limited information we have about his thought process and motivations, or indeed about the exact situation in which he found himself. I am simply suggesting that, given the option to put a hit out on a guy building the means of mass genocide for a genocidal dictatorship, a lot of us would probably find that to be one of the easier Shady Ruthless Wartime Decisions to make, on a list of shady ruthless wartime decisions. That doesn’t mean it isn’t shady or ruthless or that wartime doesn’t constrain people’s options to bad ones.

That’s it.

I’m not saying “Galen Erso is the Worst Person Ever and he deserves to die.”

I’m saying “In the desperate high-stakes wartime scenario we’re presented with, I have a hard time getting worked up over the fact that someone (especially someone with no real reason to know that Galen is working under duress) might try to kill him.”

I’m obviously kinda head over heels for Rogue One. I also think it’s worthwhile to acknowledge that good storytelling sometimes involves choosing to trim things for reasons of focus or pacing. Still, I think one of the facets of its story the movie doesn’t engage with very deeply is the moral ambiguity of Galen Erso - and by extension, the ambiguity of Cassian’s mission and Draven’s orders.

Because I mean…look. The audience is clearly intended to understand Galen as a tragic figure, and clearly we all have the benefit of hindsight (foresight?) here: almost anyone who hasn’t been living under a rock for the past 40 years is aware that his sabotage gambit works. But no one in-universe knows that - arguably, the Alliance doesn’t even have reason to suspect that Galen Erso isn’t working for the Empire of his own free will - and when you stop to look at it, “If I didn’t build it, someone else would have” is a pretty flimsy moral justification (the narrative itself implicitly questions whether Galen’s moral logic actually holds up in the face of the carnage the Death Star unleashes, by laying his message and the destruction of Jedha directly atop one another). As Cassian says: he did build it. I’m not even sure this point needs belaboring; had Nazi Germany even come close to developing an atom bomb I can’t imagine many of us would take major moral issue with, say, assassinating Werner Heisenberg (fun fact: the OSS came extremely close to doing exactly that). 

And yet there is a moral ambiguity here. No one feels it more keenly than Cassian himself, given how agonized about his orders he is from the very first moment. It’s just that the ambiguity doesn’t necessarily lie in the same place the movie frames it. The narrative uses the what of Cassian’s mission - covert assassination - as a shorthand to signify shadiness, without bothering to parse precisely how it’s shady. But it’s the how that’s shady AF. It’s the fact that a general-spymaster is making unilateral policy decisions behind Alliance leadership’s backs because he thinks he knows best (the fact that the Rebellion has a deep state before it’s even…well…a state doesn’t bode well for the New Republic, I’m just sayin’).* It’s making Jyn unknowingly complicit in her father’s death by using her to find Galen while at the same time telling her that they’re trying to save him, which is…really cold, at the very least.

I guess what I’m trying to say is it’s not hard to make a compelling case that when a genocidal fascist empire comes knocking and demands you build them the means to commit atrocities, your highest moral duty is to tell them NO. And it would have been nice if the movie had teased out that strand of its storyline a little further, given how closely the action and character arcs hinge on the Eadu scenes.

*Worth pointing out that alternative option we’re presented with to contrast Draven’s assassination plan - bring Galen to Coruscant (?!?!?!!!!) to testify before the (powerless, dissolved at Palpatine’s whim like two weeks after the events of the movie) Senate - is straight-up NONSENSICAL. There’s no reason to believe this is the only alternative option, but still. What are you smoking, @ Mon Mothma.

[kristablogs]

The CDC’s new COVID-19 testing guidelines could make the pandemic worse

Experts worry that the decision is based more in politics than scientific fact. (Photographer: James Gathany/)

Follow all of PopSci’s COVID-19 coverage here, including tips on cleaning groceries, ways to tell if your symptoms are just allergies, and a tutorial on making your own mask.

American policy surrounding COVID-19 has been nearly universally confusing, and yesterday things became even more mangled. A controversial change in the CDC’s coronavirus testing policy makes it so that fewer people require COVID-19 tests, even as rates and deaths climb across the country with no end in sight.

Prior to this week, the CDC recommended that anyone who had been in close contact with an infected person should get tested, regardless of whether they showed symptoms or not. Now, the government agency says only folks displaying symptoms should seek a coronavirus test.

The updated guidelines, made in conjunction with the White House Coronavirus Task Force, are supposedly in place to put more emphasis on testing patients with symptomatic illness, individuals with significant exposure, and vulnerable populations, CDC Director Robert Redfield told CNN. Today, he clarified that everyone who “needs” a COVID-19 test can get access to one, but not everyone who “wants” one.

Following the announcement, a number of public health experts cast doubts about the effectiveness of this new policy. So called asymptomatic spreaders (people who show no signs of infection but still test positive) account for as much as 40 percent of coronavirus cases. And many argue that this new recommendation could falsely decrease the number of reported cases in the United States. The fewer people that get tested, the fewer cases the public will know about.

Further, Anthony Fauci, the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases and a key member of the White House’s coronavirus task force, was under anesthesia undergoing planned vocal cord surgery when the final decisions were announced. Here’s everything else you need to know and what it means for you.

What exactly are the changes?

Until yesterday, the CDC recommended testing for COVID-19 for all close contacts of someone who had the infection, whether or not they had symptoms. A big reason for this is because asymptomatic carriers are big players in spreading the virus unknowingly, leading to case surges after weddings, parties, and gatherings. People who didn’t know they were positive attended the events and spread it to other guests. Testing all folks exposed to the virus helps identify these potential silent spreaders.

The new changes to guidelines recommend you only get tested if you have symptoms, if you’ve been cozied up within six feet of a confirmed positive case for at least 15 minutes, or if your local healthcare provider recommends it. The updated CDC site reads “not everyone needs to be tested.”

Scientists say people with potential COVID-19 exposure should be tested more, not less

Unsurprisingly, experts across the country are already speaking out objecting the more relaxed new guidelines. Major organizations like the American Medical Association and the Infectious Disease Society of America put out official statements against the change yesterday.

“Testing asymptomatic individuals who have been exposed to a person with COVID-19 remains a critical evidence-based strategy for containing the pandemic and reducing transmission,” the ISDA wrote in a statement. AMA president Susan Bailey went a step further by asking the CDC to release any scientific evidence that supports the change.

One reason behind the new guidelines has been stated to focus on “vulnerable” populations, which would only be justifiable if there was a shortage of testing resources, says Leana Wen, an emergency physician and public health professor at George Washington University who previously served as Baltimore’s Health Commissioner. There’s been no such mention of such a shortage.

“If they came out and said [testing resources were in low stock], I think people would have a better understanding,” Wen says. “If that’s the actual justification, that’s understandable. But they should not be implying that asymptomatic people don’t need testing, which is what the implication is here.”

Another defense of the change is that a negative test might not mean that you are negative—especially if you get tested right after contact. But if that’s the case, Wen says, people who have been in contact with a positive person should be tested more, not less.

Other public health experts affirm that testing and quarantining if you come into contact with a COVID-19 positive person—even if you don’t have symptoms—is crucial.

Is the decision political?

Politics have played a big role in many countries’ successes and failures across the globe. And for countries that have successfully lowered their COVID-19 cases against the virus, testing has often played a big role. After all, trying to solve this dilemma without mass testing is kind of like “fighting a fire blindfolded,” World Health Organization director Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus said back in March.

But, the more testing is done, the more cases we will discover, a statement President Donald Trump has made several times., He has publicly stated that he’d like to slow down cases to keep official case counts low. When questioned further if his statements were a joke back in June, he told CBS’ Weijia Jiang “I don’t kid.” Additionally, a CDC official told CNN that the new guidelines came from “the top down.”

“The idea that we should be testing people less and not more is not only pure craziness, but seems to be in line with Trump’s claim that he’s asked his people to slow down testing,” says Craig Spencer, the director of global health in emergency medicine at Columbia University.

George Washington’s Wen adds there wasn’t a press release or official statement that accompanied the website change. Instead the new guidelines were thrown suspiciously onto the website “in the dark of the night.”

NIH leader Fauci was not present at the meeting where the new testing guidelines were being discussed, and instead was undergoing a planned surgery. However, he had seen an “earlier iteration” of the guidelines and posed no opposition.

“I am concerned about the interpretation of these recommendations and worried it will give people the incorrect assumption that asymptomatic spread is not of great concern. In fact it is,” Fauci told CNN.

Several governors, including Andrew Cuomo of the once hotspot New York, have decided to ignore the CDC’s guidelines, sticking with previous testing advice.

“The only plausible rationale is that they want fewer people taking tests, because as the president has said, if we don’t take tests, you won’t know the number of people who are Covid-positive,” Cuomo told The New York Times. Kentucky governor Andy Beshear and California governor Gavin Newsom echoed similar sentiments.

But even with these statements, local healthcare providers and state officials look to the CDC for guidance. Now, they are swimming in confusing murky waters when it comes to making decisions. Wen says, the credibility of the CDC, once the “premier health agency in the world”, will likely be tainted by this decision.

“If it’s not based on science, what is the motive behind this?” Wen says. “And what does that do for the credibility of this institution, and of public health in this time when we need that credibility the most?”

Long-term impacts of less testing

Without testing, asymptomatic cases fall through the cracks. And every time this happens, there’s a huge risk of spread. With less testing, Wen says, there will be more spread that could’ve been prevented, and we’ve already seen that happen in many regions of the country.

“We’ve already seen what happens when we don’t have the testing that we need,” says Wen, “which is community spread happens all around us, and before we know it, a single case turns into a cluster, a cluster turns into an outbreak, and an outbreak turns into an epidemic.”

We know that at least 30 or 40 percent of COVID-19 cases consist of asymptomatic carriers, says Spencer. So, a blanket statement of just quarantine might not be enough to keep potential carriers in lockdown. But an actual positive test can give people the motivation to stay in quarantine and not spread it further. The fewer tests we do, the fewer people have that bonus push to really stay in lockdown.

An additional repercussion of not doing enough testing is putting long-term cases, or people who continue to suffer even after they’ve recovered from COVID-19, in the horrible position of possibly never having a test to confirm that they even had the disease that in some cases may leave them with chronic suffering, says Spencer.

Spencer saw this firsthand in the treatment of patients during the early stages of outbreaks in New York City, where the patient obviously was ill but the resources to test them were unavailable. Now, in accessing care, these people have little evidence to hold up having COVID-19, and with fewer tests, more people are at risk of facing the same difficulties.

While it may feel hopeless to see all of this unfold, just remember that you can still take responsibility in securing the health of yourself and the people you love. Keep wearing masks, get takeout instead of sitting down at a restaurant, and take quarantine seriously even if you can’t, or don’t, get a positive test back.

[scootoaster]

The CDC’s new COVID-19 testing guidelines could make the pandemic worse

Experts worry that the decision is based more in politics than scientific fact. (Photographer: James Gathany/)

Follow all of PopSci’s COVID-19 coverage here, including tips on cleaning groceries, ways to tell if your symptoms are just allergies, and a tutorial on making your own mask.

American policy surrounding COVID-19 has been nearly universally confusing, and yesterday things became even more mangled. A controversial change in the CDC’s coronavirus testing policy makes it so that fewer people require COVID-19 tests, even as rates and deaths climb across the country with no end in sight.

Prior to this week, the CDC recommended that anyone who had been in close contact with an infected person should get tested, regardless of whether they showed symptoms or not. Now, the government agency says only folks displaying symptoms should seek a coronavirus test.

The updated guidelines, made in conjunction with the White House Coronavirus Task Force, are supposedly in place to put more emphasis on testing patients with symptomatic illness, individuals with significant exposure, and vulnerable populations, CDC Director Robert Redfield told CNN. Today, he clarified that everyone who “needs” a COVID-19 test can get access to one, but not everyone who “wants” one.

Following the announcement, a number of public health experts cast doubts about the effectiveness of this new policy. So called asymptomatic spreaders (people who show no signs of infection but still test positive) account for as much as 40 percent of coronavirus cases. And many argue that this new recommendation could falsely decrease the number of reported cases in the United States. The fewer people that get tested, the fewer cases the public will know about.

Further, Anthony Fauci, the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases and a key member of the White House’s coronavirus task force, was under anesthesia undergoing planned vocal cord surgery when the final decisions were announced. Here’s everything else you need to know and what it means for you.

What exactly are the changes?

Until yesterday, the CDC recommended testing for COVID-19 for all close contacts of someone who had the infection, whether or not they had symptoms. A big reason for this is because asymptomatic carriers are big players in spreading the virus unknowingly, leading to case surges after weddings, parties, and gatherings. People who didn’t know they were positive attended the events and spread it to other guests. Testing all folks exposed to the virus helps identify these potential silent spreaders.

The new changes to guidelines recommend you only get tested if you have symptoms, if you’ve been cozied up within six feet of a confirmed positive case for at least 15 minutes, or if your local healthcare provider recommends it. The updated CDC site reads “not everyone needs to be tested.”

Scientists say people with potential COVID-19 exposure should be tested more, not less

Unsurprisingly, experts across the country are already speaking out objecting the more relaxed new guidelines. Major organizations like the American Medical Association and the Infectious Disease Society of America put out official statements against the change yesterday.

“Testing asymptomatic individuals who have been exposed to a person with COVID-19 remains a critical evidence-based strategy for containing the pandemic and reducing transmission,” the ISDA wrote in a statement. AMA president Susan Bailey went a step further by asking the CDC to release any scientific evidence that supports the change.

One reason behind the new guidelines has been stated to focus on “vulnerable” populations, which would only be justifiable if there was a shortage of testing resources, says Leana Wen, an emergency physician and public health professor at George Washington University who previously served as Baltimore’s Health Commissioner. There’s been no such mention of such a shortage.

“If they came out and said [testing resources were in low stock], I think people would have a better understanding,” Wen says. “If that’s the actual justification, that’s understandable. But they should not be implying that asymptomatic people don’t need testing, which is what the implication is here.”

Another defense of the change is that a negative test might not mean that you are negative—especially if you get tested right after contact. But if that’s the case, Wen says, people who have been in contact with a positive person should be tested more, not less.

Other public health experts affirm that testing and quarantining if you come into contact with a COVID-19 positive person—even if you don’t have symptoms—is crucial.

Is the decision political?

Politics have played a big role in many countries’ successes and failures across the globe. And for countries that have successfully lowered their COVID-19 cases against the virus, testing has often played a big role. After all, trying to solve this dilemma without mass testing is kind of like “fighting a fire blindfolded,” World Health Organization director Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus said back in March.

But, the more testing is done, the more cases we will discover, a statement President Donald Trump has made several times., He has publicly stated that he’d like to slow down cases to keep official case counts low. When questioned further if his statements were a joke back in June, he told CBS’ Weijia Jiang “I don’t kid.” Additionally, a CDC official told CNN that the new guidelines came from “the top down.”

“The idea that we should be testing people less and not more is not only pure craziness, but seems to be in line with Trump’s claim that he’s asked his people to slow down testing,” says Craig Spencer, the director of global health in emergency medicine at Columbia University.

George Washington’s Wen adds there wasn’t a press release or official statement that accompanied the website change. Instead the new guidelines were thrown suspiciously onto the website “in the dark of the night.”

NIH leader Fauci was not present at the meeting where the new testing guidelines were being discussed, and instead was undergoing a planned surgery. However, he had seen an “earlier iteration” of the guidelines and posed no opposition.

“I am concerned about the interpretation of these recommendations and worried it will give people the incorrect assumption that asymptomatic spread is not of great concern. In fact it is,” Fauci told CNN.

Several governors, including Andrew Cuomo of the once hotspot New York, have decided to ignore the CDC’s guidelines, sticking with previous testing advice.

“The only plausible rationale is that they want fewer people taking tests, because as the president has said, if we don’t take tests, you won’t know the number of people who are Covid-positive,” Cuomo told The New York Times. Kentucky governor Andy Beshear and California governor Gavin Newsom echoed similar sentiments.

But even with these statements, local healthcare providers and state officials look to the CDC for guidance. Now, they are swimming in confusing murky waters when it comes to making decisions. Wen says, the credibility of the CDC, once the “premier health agency in the world”, will likely be tainted by this decision.

“If it’s not based on science, what is the motive behind this?” Wen says. “And what does that do for the credibility of this institution, and of public health in this time when we need that credibility the most?”

Long-term impacts of less testing

Without testing, asymptomatic cases fall through the cracks. And every time this happens, there’s a huge risk of spread. With less testing, Wen says, there will be more spread that could’ve been prevented, and we’ve already seen that happen in many regions of the country.

“We’ve already seen what happens when we don’t have the testing that we need,” says Wen, “which is community spread happens all around us, and before we know it, a single case turns into a cluster, a cluster turns into an outbreak, and an outbreak turns into an epidemic.”

We know that at least 30 or 40 percent of COVID-19 cases consist of asymptomatic carriers, says Spencer. So, a blanket statement of just quarantine might not be enough to keep potential carriers in lockdown. But an actual positive test can give people the motivation to stay in quarantine and not spread it further. The fewer tests we do, the fewer people have that bonus push to really stay in lockdown.

An additional repercussion of not doing enough testing is putting long-term cases, or people who continue to suffer even after they’ve recovered from COVID-19, in the horrible position of possibly never having a test to confirm that they even had the disease that in some cases may leave them with chronic suffering, says Spencer.

Spencer saw this firsthand in the treatment of patients during the early stages of outbreaks in New York City, where the patient obviously was ill but the resources to test them were unavailable. Now, in accessing care, these people have little evidence to hold up having COVID-19, and with fewer tests, more people are at risk of facing the same difficulties.

While it may feel hopeless to see all of this unfold, just remember that you can still take responsibility in securing the health of yourself and the people you love. Keep wearing masks, get takeout instead of sitting down at a restaurant, and take quarantine seriously even if you can’t, or don’t, get a positive test back.

[lalka-laski]

The Day Before Thanksgiving = Slooooow Work Day

Have you ever been served breakfast in bed? On school days as a kid my mom would gently wake us up and ask us what we wanted for breakfast. Then she’d go downstairs to make it while we stole a few more minutes of sleep. She would then bring us up our bagel/pop tart/waffle/fill-in-the-blank and we’d eat it in bed. Wow, she was a saint. And if only I could still start my mornings that way...  What is the most challenging meal you have ever cooked? I’m slowly getting into cooking, so every meal poses more than a few “challenges” for me lately. But I’m having fun with it and learning a lot!  Are you one to approach others, or let them approach you first? I almost exclusively have others approach me. There are two reasons behind this: 1) I’m introverted  2) I just have a very approachable look/energy. Seriously, strangers come up to me or sit down next to me and tell me very intimate details about their lives, completely unprompted! I guess it’s nice that I look like a friendly and trustworthy person, but it can feel overwhelming at times. Just the other day at Dunkin Donuts it took me 5 minutes just to place my coffee order because the guy behind the counter was telling me how sad he was that his girlfriend broke up with him. I was like “Uh I’m sorry dude, but did I ask??”  When was the last time you took painkillers? When I had oral surgery years ago Have you ever picked flowers out of someone else’s garden without asking? I might have as a kid

What is your favorite thing to do as a little kid? I was- and still am- a huge bookworm, so reading was always a favorite activity. I also had a wildly active imagination, so I could entertain myself for hours living out fantasies in my head. I used to pretend I was a pioneer girl like the characters in my favorite books, and I’d make dirt and grass “soup” and pretend to churn butter in a bucket. Good times lol.  Are holidays as fun for you now as they were when you were younger? They’ve definitely lost some of the “magic” since I’ve grown up, but that’s true of most things. But I still really enjoy the holidays and I cherish the time spent with my family. Plus now I have a partner with whom to share all these traditions (and build new ones!) and that’s such a gift. I have a feeling this holiday season is gonna be one of my best yet.  Do you find non-fiction to be boring? What a silly question. That’s like asking “do you find movies to be boring?” Non-fiction is just an umbrella term encompassing an infinite number of sub-genres and topics. To find that “boring” would be saying that there’s not a single topic on earth you find interesting.  Are you a punctual person? Or are you always late? I’m very punctual, usually early. It’s the anxiety! :)  Do you own a thesaurus? Do you actually use it? I used to, but nowadays I just have Thesaurus.com bookmarked. And it’s almost always in an open tab. #WriterLife  Do you ever write your own short stories? Funny you should ask, ha! I wrote tons as a kid and I had a Creative Writing concentration, so I wrote plenty for assignments in college. I’d love to say that’s still something I actively do but sadly, it’s not. Time to change that... 

Have you ever won money by entering a contest/raffle? Not cash money but I’ve won prizes  Have you ever lost something very valuable? My dignity? Ha I’m just kidding. I still have a few shreds of that. Otherwise I can’t think of anything majorly valuable that I’ve lost.  Have you ever lost something with a lot of sentimental value? I’m an extreeeemely emotional person and I collect/keep everything of sentimental value. The only objects that I regret throwing away are some journals from my youth. I still have most of them, but there were a few I deemed too embarrassing or incriminating to save. I’d give anything to leaf through one of those now... Have you ever been close to drowning? That’s a horrifying thought. Thank God I never have.  Have you ever had a panic attack? Yes.... What stores do you go into when you go to mall? I have a problem where I insist on browsing in nearly every store, even knowing full well I’ll never buy anything. It ends up a huge waste of time. I’m trying to get better about just setting a plan for myself on a shopping trip and only hitting the stores I KNOW I’ll buy from.  Do you ever stop to eat in the food court? Yeah! Just the other day my sister and I ate some very disappointing pizza and fries.  Do you find it easy to relate to other people? I’m empathetic and I always seek to understand and relate.  Who is your favorite philosopher? I can’t say I have one What is your favorite song to sing? Whatever is stuck in my head at any given moment. I love to sing! (Doesn’t mean I’m *good* but...)  Do you consciously try to be unique, or do you just be you? Interesting question. I don’t like to feel the need to be mainstream just for the sake of it but at the same time, I don’t feel the need to deviate from the mainstream just for the sake of it.  Do you worry about being judged by other people? Only every moment of every day  If someone doesn’t like you, do you usually want to know the reason? Oh of course. And I’ll torture myself reliving every mistake I’ve ever made in my life until I find out why  When was the last time you told someone something really important? Yesterday maybe?  Have you ever lost a large amount of money? Nothing more than about $40. Which is still valuable, don’t get me wrong Have you ever tried to blame something you did on someone else? Well I grew up with two sisters so, of course.  Did that person get in trouble, or did the plan fail? We all had our failures and victories... 

What is the weirdest hairstyle you have ever had? Well I was a tween at the height of Lizzie McGuire’s popularity, so I was definitely a fan of crimped hair. But not totally crimped, no no. Just random stray pieces here and there with no rhyme or reason. And don’t forget the butterfly clips!  Describe the ugliest pair of shoes you own? I don’t own any shoes that I consider ugly. Why would I buy shoes I didn’t like?  How many times a day do you look in the mirror? For how long? I have a slight phobia of mirrors. Well, not a phobia, but I have obsessive tendencies about my appearance so it’s best for me to avoid my reflection as often as possible. For that reason, I don’t look in mirrors often.  Are you ashamed to leave the house when not looking your best? I give less and less of a shit lately. It’s freeing  If you are antisocial, WHY are you that way? I’m not. Would you describe yourself as modest? Modesty is a concept steeped in misogyny and it’s one I certainly don’t endorse. These days I probably *could* be described as modest just as far as my lifestyle and clothing choices BUT.... ya girl used to be a huge slut. And I don’t regret it. I support women making their own, informed decisions and doing whatever makes them comfortable!  What is your favorite singer? Bowie, of course! If you could relive one day from last year, what day would it be? Why? There’s one day, one small incident, that I’d kind of like to do-over. But that’s it.  What is something that you are afraid to fail at? Uhh... everything?  What would happen if you did fail at it? .....  Do you ever worry about your loved ones dying? It’s a constant worry. Thanks for reminding me :)))  What is the cutest thing a guy could do for a girl? Well I’m really partial to love letters, songs, poems and the like...  Stuffed animals–immature, or should everyone have one? I have several stuffed animals, some from childhood and some that were recent gifts, and I love them dearly. They make me happy! Surround yourself with things that make you feel good!!  What do you like in your breakfast burritos? Egg and cheese, and veggie sausage or bacon if it’s available.  What restaurant would you choose to go to for breakfast? There are a few trendy brunch spots around here that I like, one of my favorites being a Mexican place. But I love some good old-fashioned diner food, too!  How much money do you think you cost your parents? Um? A lot?? What an odd question though.  Do you have good hand/eye coordination? Laughably bad.  Can you do a flip on a trampoline? I’d 100% kill myself if I tried.  Do you remember the last time you climbed a tree? Sadly, no. But this tree in my front yard was one of my favorite reading spots as a kid. There was this one thick branch that was the perfect size for me to stretch my legs on while I leaned against the trunk and read my books.  Did you ever lie on your back and pick shapes out of clouds as a kid? I still do that Do you watch any Japanese anime? My boyfriend’s really into it so I’ve *seen* some but I can’t say I’ve actually WATCHED it lol  Is there a foreign culture you are interested in learning more about? So many! The world’s a big place, ya know...  Do you let your emotions get the best of you in a fight? HA HA HA HA HA. Do you know me? I am nothing BUT emotions.  Logic? Reason? Rationale? I don’t know her.  Do you know anyone whose reputation has recently been ruined? All the recently outed sexual predators in Hollywood come to mind.  When did you first get a cellphone? For Christmas my freshman year of high school.  And fun fact: a month prior, I gave my parents a presentation as to why I should have one. I had notecards and everything. And clearly it worked! I wish I could put that on a resume...  Do you have your own laptop computer? A chromebook, but I barely use it.  Do you drive your own car, or your parents? I don’t drive Say something inappropriate? No thanks!

What were you doing before you started taking this survey? I just had my lunch “break.” I use the term loosely because not a whole lot of work is getting done today. So it was a break from a break.  Describe the best summer you ever had? I could more easily describe the WORST summer I’ve ever had. I guess my favorite summer was the one right before I left for college. I had the tightest group of friends and we partied every night. It was just your typical care-free teenage dream.  Do you eat any meat other than turkey on Thanksgiving? I don’t eat meat any day of the year! Did you attend a pre-school? I did, and I went a year earlier than usual because my mom was the teacher. So, free childcare. Go mom!  Do you remember what it was like to learn to count to 100? Not even slightly  What is something you lost in the process of growing up? My ability to drink liquor straight  Do you wear any wristbands? If so, what’s on them? Nope  What was the last picture you were in? I took several selfies with me and the girl I nanny the other day Did you have required reading material in high-school? Of course. Most of it I really enjoyed and would’ve read for leisure anyways.  Do you keep your room organized? Yep. I’m a pretty neat person.  Do you vacuum daily? No, but weekly. 

How many board games do you own? I have one card game in my apartment now but no board games, sadly!  Own any books? No. Not a single one. I don’t know how to read. I don’t even know what a book IS???  Recently checked any books out from the library? I just borrowed an e-book from a virtual library so does that count?  Does your cat give you kitty kisses? I don’t have a cat but I wish I did! What’s in your make-up bag? I have several. And I have no idea why they’re separated the way they are. All my makeup is just tossed together 

[teamorcd-a]

Desert Departure

“They didn't say good bye, did they?”

A simple question to break the awkward silence of packing. There was just the two of them putting away their last few odds and ends before leaving for the big day. Long pointed ears moved under a violet cowl to meet the voice coming from a rather cheerful individual. Her voice however told of a worried expression on her face that the Faunus couldn't see.

“No, why would they?” A calm voice retorted, putting another pair of rolled up socks away.

She felt two light taps on her right shoulder, prompting the sightless Faunus to stop and turn around. Standing in front of her was Russet, a human girl who had invested almost too much time to become this prickly and stubborn Faunus; friend. She was typically optimistic, energetic, and had far more social luck and grace. Her warm coloured nature wasn't lost to Chroma, the blind bat Faunus who lived a life filled with as much irony and originality as that statement sounded.

“I know, you didn't have it good on Team LIAC, but things are changin'!” optimism was almost never absent in Russet's voice. “Besides, I'm going to be on the team, that isn't so bad right?”

“Terrible.” Sarcasm, a comfort to Chroma with people she considered friends.

“Oh come on, you know I won't babysit you when it comes to missions right?”

A question that fouled Chroma's expression. To anyone else, she simply adjusted her ears and looked to her left. Russet knew better though, those ears to the side, slightly lowered and focusing her gaze elsewhere meant she wasn't too happy. The girl sighed, putting both hands on either side of the large cowl hood Chroma was wearing.

“Alright look at me.”

After a moment, Chroma's eyes followed where the sound had come from.

“All of the looking at me please.”

Reluctant ears moved forward, both aimed towards Russet. She was pleased with this.

“We get to be partners on this new team. Yeah I know you're probably thinking I'm going to miss my old team and you're right but don't start feeling guilty about it.” Russet's voice was silvery, which gave off a calming appeal. “We all made this decision to do this, and as your self titled emotional support human, things are going to work out.”

There was always some kind of humor in the girl's rationale, but Chroma couldn't complain. She couldn't even hide the crack of a smile that came to her face.

“The only thing I want yo to promise is that you'll try to make some friends of your own? Please do not try to beat up, stab, prank, vigilante other people you have known for all of thirteen minutes?”

Chroma's expression returned to it's deadpan state, except her ears moved back a bit more. She was never one to get along with people. Her own team didn't like her, and she was sure they may have been actively sabotaging her way through Shade Academy. Rumors and tall tales spread about her, but she just ran with those stories. She didn't care she was intentionally prickly towards people at first. Being burned so badly in the past left it's scars. Despite this, there was Russet: a human who was allowed in her personal space because she was a positive and extremely persistent influence in her life.

“Chroma pleaaaaaase.”

Chroma knew what kind of expression she was making when syllables were being drawn out. Her eyes rolled and her ears perked back forward. “Fine, I promise to try.”

“Serious promise?”

“Serious promise, I swear.”

Satisfied, Russet let go of Chroma's cowl with a smile. Chroma couldn't see it, but she could almost feel it. The two of them shared a quick fist bump before resuming their packing duties. Russet occasionally looked over to micromanage Chroma's spacing. Russet was far more neat between the two of them, though not caring for anything outside of comfort and functionality left Chroma a bit untidier than most. The one exception to the rule, was when it came to her weapon, Last Chime.

It was perhaps her most visible testament to spite: Last Chime was a n arm mounted crossbow/blade fusion weapon, with a tether built in for grappling. A blind sharpshooter was a common trope in fantasy literature, but Chroma made it a reality simply because someone said she couldn't. It also helped that what actually fired the bolts was akin to the mechanics of a rail gun, causing Russet to call Chroma the 'most subtly extra person she knows'. It simply looked like a strange armament on her right arm, and came with a sibling arm piece for the left. It had a smaller grappling device and was for hands free ammunition loading.

Then, there was Russet who had taken a more simple route: a dirk and automatic pistol combo dubbed Reason and Rhyme. Thanks to her older brother, Russet had her weapon plans made with a little extra help. At first she couldn't decide on what she wanted, having practiced in just about every weapon type she could get her hands on. Reason and Rhyme had a classic with modern flair to it and combined with her Semblance, the melee functionality wasn't just limited to being a rather large dagger.

“You forgot something.”

Chroma turned, only meeting Russet with a curious head tilt.

“No bird?”

It took Chroma a second to understand. She shook her head. “I'm leaving them here and... going to try without them.”

A squeaky gasp could be heard before Russet spoke. “I'm so proud.”

“I don't want to make the emotional support human redundant.”

Russet hummed thoughtfully. “You're right, it's hard to compete with Kichee. I'm not parrot fabulous yet.”

“Besides, the other two might not be fans of corvids or exotic birds.” Chroma added, finally getting her one small bag shut with a long zip of the zipper. “Also being stuck on a boat, going to Mistral first... that's a lot for a therapy animal.”

“True, but doesn't your mom have birds for that much travel?”

“Ones trained to claw out Grimm eyes.”

“Fair. How's she been doing now that she's free? Aunt Vi has been talking to her a lot since she got out of the hospital.”

Chroma paused, unsure of how to answer. Her mother had been hospitalized for years because of a nearly fatal injury. It nearly took her ability to fly away, and being as stubborn as her family went, you can't tell a winged Faunus that they can't fly anymore without some resistance. However there was also the other issues relating to long absent parental figures in her life that was also causing some problems.

“You're making a face.”

“I am not.” Chroma stated firmly. “A few muscle twitches isn't a face, that's an expression.”

Russet rolled her eyes at the pedantry. “Then you're making an expression.”

“I am not.”

Russet bawked a bit at her friend. Chroma was very good at hiding sarcasm, or just being so blatantly vague that you were never sure of the context. “Your sarcasm isn't showing. I take it that it's Dad related?”

The quicker Chroma's ears moved, the more volatile the expression happened to be. Ears went back as far as they could go before meeting a place somewhere in the middle. Her eyes gave away a frustration that Russet knew how to read.

“That's enough to tell me what I need to know. At least your mom said bye yeah?”

The Faunus' expression softened after a moment. “Not yet. She's going traveling to the other kingdoms since she's no longer caged by physiotherapy. She's leaving the same time we are.”

“Well that's sweet, and good for her.”

The rest of the packing was met with idle chat. Most of it was Chroma reminding Russet to bring particular items that she had happened to forget to pack. Occasionally the conversation drew to the upcoming Vytal Festival, but for this team project, that was more so a deadline. The four of these strangers would have to become some kind of functioning team before being volunteer staff for one of the biggest international events in the world. At least when it came to the Academies. Unfortunately they wouldn't be able to participate in the tournament, but there were other things they could be assigned to do. Grimm didn't stop for social holidays.

“Alright, all done.” Russet grunted, lifting up her packed luggage. “Excited to finally leave Vacuo?”

Chroma shrugged. “I'm looking forward to this fabled sandless food and cheaper fruit prices you've told me about.”

A grin came to the other girl's face. “I'll buy you some mangoes and you can be mad at the price difference.”

“I can't wait to be upset.”

[airoasis]

My son was a Columbine shooter. This is my story | Sue Klebold

New Post has been published on https://hititem.kr/my-son-was-a-columbine-shooter-this-is-my-story-sue-klebold/

My son was a Columbine shooter. This is my story | Sue Klebold

The final time I heard my son’s voice used to be when he walked out the entrance door on his method to university. He referred to as out one word in the darkness: "Bye." It used to be April 20, 1999. Later that morning, at Columbine excessive university, my son Dylan and his friend Eric killed 12 pupils and a instructor and wounded greater than 20 others before taking their own lives. 13 harmless persons had been killed, leaving their loved ones in a state of grief and trauma. Others sustained injuries, some leading to disfigurement and permanent disability. However the enormity of the tragedy can’t be measured simplest by means of the quantity of deaths and accidents that took place. There isn’t any option to quantify the psychological injury of folks who were within the tuition, or who took phase in rescue or cleanup efforts. There is no way to determine the magnitude of a tragedy like Columbine, primarily when it may be a blueprint for other shooters who go on to commit atrocities of their possess.Columbine was a tidal wave, and when the crash ended, it could take years for the community and for society to realize its affect. It has taken me years to try to take delivery of my son’s legacy. The merciless habits that outlined the tip of his existence showed me that he was once a entirely unique man or woman from the one I knew. Afterwards people asked, "How could you not understand? What sort of a mother were you?" I nonetheless ask myself those equal questions. Before the shootings, I concept of myself as a good mother. Helping my kids end up caring, healthy, accountable adults was once the essential role of my life. However the tragedy satisfied me that I failed as a mum or dad, and it is in part this experience of failure that brings me right here at present.Excluding his father, I used to be the one character who knew and adored Dylan probably the most. If anybody would have known what used to be happening, it should have been me, proper? However I failed to know. In these days, i’m here to share the experience of what it can be like to be the mum of any person who kills and hurts. For years after the tragedy, I combed through recollections, making an attempt to figure out precisely where I failed as a dad or mum. However there are not any simple answers. I can’t give you any solutions. All i can do is share what i’ve discovered. After I talk to persons who failed to understand me before the shootings, i’ve three challenges to meet. First, when I stroll into a room like this, I certainly not be aware of if any person there has skilled loss seeing that of what my son did.I consider a need to well known the suffering brought on by using a member of my loved ones who is not here to do it for himself. So first, with all of my heart, i’m sorry if my son has triggered you affliction. The 2d assignment i’ve is that I ought to ask for working out and even compassion once I speak about my son’s dying as a suicide. Two years before he died, he wrote on a bit of paper in a pocket book that he was once reducing himself. He stated that he was once in discomfort and desired to get a gun so he could end his existence. I didn’t find out about any of this unless months after his demise. Once I speak about his dying as a suicide, i am no longer seeking to downplay the viciousness he confirmed on the finish of his lifestyles. I’m seeking to have an understanding of how his suicidal pondering led to homicide.After various reading and speakme with specialists, i’ve come to feel that his involvement in the shootings was once rooted no longer in his wish to kill but in his desire to die. The 0.33 venture i’ve once I talk about my son’s murder-suicide is that i’m speakme about intellectual wellbeing — excuse me — is that i am talking about mental health, or brain wellness, as I decide upon to call it, on the grounds that it’s more concrete.And in the equal breath, i’m talking about violence. The last factor I need to do is to make a contribution to the misconception that already exists round mental health problem. Most effective a very small percentage of those who have a mental sickness are violent toward different individuals, however of folks who die by way of suicide, it is estimated that about seventy five to perhaps more than ninety percentage have a diagnosable intellectual health situation of some style. As you all comprehend very good, our intellectual wellbeing care method will not be equipped to aid every person, and no longer everybody with harmful ideas matches the standards for a certain diagnosis. Many who’ve ongoing emotions of fear or anger or hopelessness are never assessed or treated. Too most likely, they get our concentration only if they attain a behavioral hindrance.If estimates are right that about one to 2 percentage of all suicides entails the murder of yet another man or woman, when suicide rates upward thrust, as they are rising for some populations, the homicide-suicide charges will upward thrust as good. I desired to have an understanding of what was going on in Dylan’s mind previous to his dying, so I appeared for solutions from different survivors of suicide loss. I did study and volunteered to aid with fund-elevating activities, and whenever I could, I talked with folks who had survived their own suicidal obstacle or attempt. One of the most invaluable conversations I had was once with a coworker who overheard me talking to anybody else in my administrative center cubicle.She heard me say that Dylan would now not have adored me if he would do whatever as horrible as he did. Later, when she discovered me alone, she apologized for overhearing that conversation, however informed me that I was once incorrect. She said that when she was once a younger, single mother with three babies, she grew to be severely depressed and used to be hospitalized to maintain her riskless. At the time, she was once unique that her children can be at an advantage if she died, so she had made a plan to finish her existence.She certain me that a mom’s love was once the strongest bond on earth, and that she adored her youngsters greater than some thing on the earth, but due to the fact of her illness, she used to be sure that they might be at an advantage without her. What she stated and what I’ve realized from others is that we don’t make the so-known as decision or alternative to die via suicide within the same means that we pick what vehicle to pressure or where to head on a Saturday night. When any individual is in an highly suicidal state, they’re in a stage four scientific well being emergency. Their pondering is impaired and so they’ve misplaced entry to tools of self-governance. Despite the fact that they can make a plan and act with logic, their feel of fact is distorted via a filter of pain through which they interpret their reality.Some humans can also be very good at hiding this state, and they on the whole have excellent causes for doing that. Many of us have suicidal ideas at some point, but power, ongoing ideas of suicide and devising a method to die are symptoms of pathology, and like many diseases, the condition must be famous and dealt with earlier than a existence is misplaced. But my son’s demise was once not purely a suicide. It worried mass homicide. I wanted to know how his suicidal pondering became homicidal. However study is sparse and there aren’t any easy solutions. Sure, he in general had ongoing despair. He had a character that used to be perfectionistic and self-reliant, and that made him much less prone to seek support from others. He had skilled triggering pursuits on the institution that left him feeling debased and humiliated and mad. And he had a elaborate friendship with a boy who shared his emotions of rage and alienation, and who was once severely disturbed, controlling and homicidal. And on top of this interval in his life of extreme vulnerability and fragility, Dylan discovered access to weapons although we would in no way owned any in our dwelling.It was once appallingly convenient for a 17-yr-historical boy to purchase weapons, both legally and illegally, with out my permission or advantage. And by hook or by crook, 17 years and lots of college shootings later, it can be nonetheless appallingly convenient. What Dylan did that day broke my heart, and as trauma so mostly does, it took a toll on my physique and on my mind. Two years after the shootings, I got breast melanoma, and two years after that, i started to have intellectual wellbeing problems. On top of the steady, perpetual grief I used to be terrified that i’d run right into a family member of someone Dylan had killed, or be accosted via the clicking or via an irritated citizen. I used to be afraid to turn on the information, afraid to listen to myself being called a horrible parent or a disgusting person. I started having panic attacks. The first bout started 4 years after the shootings, after I was getting equipped for the depositions and would have to meet the victims’ families head to head. The second round started six years after the shootings, after I used to be preparing to communicate publicly about homicide-suicide for the primary time at a convention.Each episodes lasted several weeks. The attacks happened all over the place: within the ironmongery store, in my administrative center, and even while studying a book in mattress. My mind would suddenly lock into this spinning cycle of terror and regardless of how I difficult i attempted to calm myself down or rationale my way out of it, i could not do it. It felt as if my brain was looking to kill me, and then, being afraid of being afraid consumed all of my ideas. That’s when I learned firsthand what it feels prefer to have a malfunctioning mind, and that is after I real grew to become a mind well being recommend. With cure and medicine and self-care, lifestyles finally back to whatever would be thought of as natural underneath the instances. Once I seemed back on all that had happened, I could see that my son’s spiral into dysfunction frequently befell over a period of about two years, a lot of time to get him aid, if handiest any one had known that he needed aid and recognized what to do.Each time any person asks me, "How would you no longer have known?", it seems like a punch in the intestine. It includes accusation and faucets into my feelings of guilt that irrespective of how so much treatment I’ve had i will not ever absolutely eradicate. But here’s some thing I’ve learned: if love have been sufficient to discontinue any person who’s suicidal from hurting themselves, suicides would hardly happen. However love just isn’t sufficient, and suicide is familiar.It can be the 2nd leading intent of demise for persons age 10 to 34, and 15 percentage of yankee youth record having made a suicide plan within the final year. I’ve realized that no matter how much we want to suppose we will, we can’t recognize or manipulate the whole thing our cherished ones feel and consider, and the stubborn perception that we are one way or the other specific, that anybody we adore would never believe of injuring themselves or any one else, can intent us to overlook what’s hidden in undeniable sight. And if worst case scenarios do come to move, we are going to ought to learn to forgive ourselves for now not realizing or for not asking the proper questions or not discovering the right remedy.We will have to perpetually assume that any individual we adore could also be suffering, regardless of what they are saying or how they act. We should pay attention with our entire being, with out judgments, and without delivering options. I do know that i’ll live with this tragedy, with these more than one tragedies, for the relaxation of my existence. I know that within the minds of many, what I misplaced can not examine to what the opposite families misplaced. I know my struggle does not make theirs any less complicated. I know there are even some who consider I do not need the correct to any soreness, however most effective to a lifetime of permanent penance.Subsequently what i know comes all the way down to this: the tragic reality is that even essentially the most vigilant and liable of us might not be equipped to aid, however for love’s sake, we must in no way stop seeking to be aware of the unknowable. Thank you. (Applause) .