#idk. thinking thoughts. i have ideas in my brain thats for sure

[lighthouseas]

lowkey Thinking abt a st au inspired by mean girls + how that would play out....wanna write it but i know people would get mad lol

[xxplastic-cubexx]

just read the new mutants issue where Charles chose to stay behind in space and my god the juxtaposition between Charles trusting Erik and Erik joining the hellfire club and wondering at his own trust worthiness. I wonder how much of Charles decision was him ultimately trying to avoid the fact that his first class had seemingly betrayed mutant kind and not be willing to face them and how much of it was Dani and Illyana's reaction to him having Karma mind control Illyana. the fact that Illyana was depending on him to ease her mind through limbo and in choosing to stay he forced karma to do it instead, probably fucking up their relationship in the process.

I love him, this is crazy, how much of this is him trying to runaway and how much is this him not trusting himself to fix things and how much is it just him trusting Erik?

i keep trying to put into words my exact thoughts about the sitch but there really is a lot for one issue aintit... oh charles you and your brain...

[cheswirls]

looking @ old fic i started when i was 14/15 is so funny bc im realizing once again why i never mark fics as abandoned even if its been literal years since i've touched them. specifically i was checking docs for stuff i started and either did or didn't post to ffn.

and its like. nothing is bad??? like i can see where my outside-the-box ideal of fic writing comes from. not just fics but writing in general, i'm p sure. even if it's a total cliche plot setup, there are details on each that rly make it stand out like oh yeahhhhhh i did have this great idea once upon a time.

funny too bc was it executed well in prose??? no absolutely not i wrote like shit when i was 15. would i revive an idea one day and revise it to be less cliche or cringy while still keeping the stand-out elements??? yea maybe. i might. everything i'm currently working on that i started from 2021 up to now still holds my supreme interest, but like i'm not gonna say never.

esp since i write fic first and foremost for my own need and specifically what i like to read, it makes it impossible to consider an idea i've thought extensively about "not worth writing anymore". anyway not making this too long i jus found everything interesting to consider

[snekdood]

What is your most valued stance that exemplifies your centrist disposition?

im not sure what you mean, I dont have a "valued stance" really

[yllwjktscult]

New found feelings- Lottie Matthews x reader

!!disclaimer- english is NOT my native language so there for sure will be grammar mistakes!!

in short: Lottie gives you a hickey and it swirls emotions in you (was platonic ar firts but i changed it hihihi)

!! part two in here !!🫶🏻

WC: 1,3K

TW: idk hickeys? is that a tw? idk, but imma put it in here JUST in case 🧍🏼

well anyway, enjoy🫶🏻

╚══ ❀•°❀°•❀ ══╝

With a shame and new found feeling in the pit of your stomach you stared at your flushed face in the mirror of Lotties bathroom, looking at the hickey on the side of your neck.

How did you end up with it you might ask?

Simple.

Your mouth was faster than your brain was.

Its not like you were THAT innocent, no. You just didnt find anyone interesting or had connection with someone on that level to be intimate with. However you were curious and your stupid mouth run on its own when you asked that question that lead to the visible hickey from Lottie on your neck.

(30 minutes ago)

"Whats so great about hickeys anyway?" you asked bluntly and little bitter as you were laying with Lottie on her bed while both of you watched your favourite reality tv show where a guy had a hickey on his neck and then you froze when those words left your mouth.

Lottie laughed and looked at you with pure disbelief as her lips twitched "What?" she asked between giggles.

With embarrassment written all over your face "Well I mean.. whats so great about them? Why are people willingly letting someone bruise and hurt them?" you asked kinda in confusion. You understood the concept, kinda. However you found it weird that someone is willing to have a visible bruise on their neck for days, a bruise that hurts and lets everyone know you did a dirty tango with someone.

Lottie plopped herself on her elbows and looked at you as she tries not to giggle "You know, if you do it right they dont hurt at all. Its actually a very enjoyable and nice feeling" she says in matter of factly. Then her eyes squeezes as she looks at you and then her eyes widen "No way!" she giggles and smacks your shoulder "You never gotten one!"

Your face grimaces as you try to play it off "What?! no pche of course I did" you fucking lied and she knew it. She knew it because she never saw you with one, in matter of factly, non of your friends (yellowjackets) did saw you with one.

Lottie started giggling on the bed and your face became so red you wished her bed swallowed you whole.

"Dont laugh!" you whined and covered your face with your hands.

"No no, i think its cute" Lottie giggles and then an idea plops in her head "You know.. if you are that curious, i can give you one"

You peaked at behind your hands "What?" you asked flabbergasted.

Lottie smiled at you "Im serious, if you want I can give you a hickey so you know what it feels like"

"Really?" you put your hands off your embarrassed face and looked at her. All she did was nod and smiled at you.

And thats whats happening right now.

Lottie is straddling your waist, because she insisted its more 'comfortable' that way or whatever.

You felt Lotties breath on your neck as she leaned down and you swore your heart did a backflip just from her breath on your neck.

Well if you knew what you gonna feel when her lips touch your skin, well shit that was a whole ass breakdance in your chest.

One of her hands that wasnt holding her against the mattress of her bed touched your neck, her thumb was on your jaw, making you tittle your neck to a side for better access.

Lottie kissed your neck gently. That was good you thought, thats good. If its like that you can survive it.

But you swore your stomach did a flip inside when you felt her tongue swirl on your pulse point. Your mouth open in a 'o' shape snd your eyes widened a little when you felt her teeth sink into your skin, not in a hurting way and sucking gently. Your mouth left an involuntary moan at that and with panic you put a hand over your mouth and shut your eyes. Hoping you will run from the embarrassment that your friend just made you moan and well... wet in your pants (not that you will even admit it out loud)

You felt Lottie suck gently on your skin and her tongue swirling the skin thats being suck between her teeth in her mouth "F-fuck" you muffled into your hand, wanting to k-ll yourself right after this word left your mouth.

Lottie giggled into your neck at that. But she wasnt done yet, no, before stopping her magic work, she kissed and licked the hickey on your neck, soothing it gently. Looking at your flushed face with a smirk.

"Well? did it hurt?" she asked playfully. All you could do is shake your head with a no.

"Told you, if you do it right, it does not hurt"

She then looked at the hickey she left on your neck, her smirk never leaving "Yeah, now i see why you never got one, you look way too good with one". Your eyes widen and with a shitty ass excuse you shoved her off you and sprint into her bathroom, and you could hear her giggling as you closed the door and looked at yourself in the mirror as you started gay panicking.

(a day later)

Whenever your brain went to last night when Lottie literally sucked on your neck, your stomach does the thing. With embarrassment you paddled your way into locker room for practice, hoping and praying noone will notice the hickey. But fuck, of course everyone did.

"Well well well... someone had fun" Van came to you with a smirk and grabbed your chin titling your head to a side and looking at the hickey with a proud smile "Damn, thats a really good one" she whistled.

"No shit? Y/n got a hickey?!" Nat jumped from the locker bench to look herself "Shit, she did" she smirked like a proud parent.

"Who gave it to you?" asked Misty with curiousness. Everyone in the locker room turned to your way. You were too embarrassed to say it and wishing you could just disappear, but lucky to you, Lottie put a hand over your shoulder with a proud smirk on her face "Well i did" she then titled your head to look at it again "Damn it looks better today than last night" she say with pride.

"WHAT?!" they all collectively yelled. Like literally yelled.

╚══ ❀•°❀°•❀ ══╝

Lets just say Lottie giggled and had a blast at those faces of everyone, on the other hand you? you wished you could just die right on the spot.

Well of course you were getting teased for days after Lottie said she gave you one because you wanted to know what it feels like to get a hickey, she even had the audacity to joke (she was serious but you didnt know) that she could show you what right kissing feels like, but you just swat her chest each time she teased you about it, because your heart did a backflips in your chest.

Others werent any different, for the remaining time the hickey was visible, they joked about how it looks good on you and how it feels like their child has grown up. Idiots, but you love them of course.

However, you understood why people want hickeys so bad, its feels nice to be 'marked up' as someone 'property' as if saying 'i was there, back off'. Like some sort of ownership. Plus you actually liked the feelings Lottie swirled inside you since that night, conflicted and confusing, but you liked it.

So thats how you ended up with a new one a week later, well in fact with bunch off. And not only on your neck, in fact some of them were on your collarbones, shoulders and in the middle of your chest.

And maybee, Lottie in fact showed you how right kissing is done after couple of weeks later.

And maaaaaybe, this was the start of something more than just a friendship.

But just maybe.

╚══ ❀•°❀°•❀ ══╝

autors note: this is probably such a shit, but im still kind of sick and my brain is not braining as it should brain (might come later to edit it) but here we go, hope you enjoyed it🫶🏻

[sleepincrow]

contains: toxic behaviour, toxic!reader this was itching my brain, idk what to tell you. i like having morally ambigious reader... or idk, is it too tame? i have no idea where the line meets and ends when it comes to dark shit cus i usually stay in the other side of the line. whenever i think of dark stuff its in a comedic-ish light and everything turns fluffy in the end idfk. tell me what else i should add in the warnings 😞

edit: i made it readable, i should really start readproofing.

hear me out..

reader who doesnt do anything when their boyfriend is mean. like theyre just generally pissed off and huffing at you when youre trying to greet them with open arms and a warm smile when they come home.

reader who doesnt confront them about their horrible behavior and how it affected them. no, just stay silent, take in whatever your boyfriend had to say or do and leave him be.

ohooooh, you mightve done nothing but youre going to give them something much worse than a silent treatment.

youre not a doormat. youre not a crybaby.

i want reader to be absolutely menacing. if that man doesnt come back crawling, apologizing to you, youre gonna make him.

do you understand me? the anger, the absolute disgust that bubbles in your stomach, that claws its way up your chest like an animal looking for a fresh breath of air before it starts to hunt.

youre silent all of the sudden, giving him the driest texts known to man, leaving him on seen with texts that dont technically need a reply instead of dragging the conversation longer with a picture of a cat you saw on your way home. youre picking up more work than usual, unable to cut some time, telling him youve got things to do—things more important than having to watch some tv with him, be in bed with him.

youre clever. you know your schedule, and you know his. rearrange everything, make sure to make as much commotion in your life that doesnt include him, so when he confronts you, youre technically telling the truth when you say youre busy.

because why bother coming home early, greeting him, surprising him with dinner and a loving kiss?

then watch it all go down. technically, youre not doing anything wrong, youve got your plate full with a screenshot of your planned calendar to pair with it as sweet, sweet evidence.

youre watching him slightly deteriorate. watch him panic. he'll buy you flowers, in which you put in a vase but never take care of like before. he'll buy you jewelry you wont wear because "theyre beautiful but i like the old ones too! ill wear them on a special occassion" that wont ever come.

the frustrated, panicked look on his face is priceless. it feels so good. he cant even be mad because youre not even cheating! you have all the alibis, all the witnesses. youre perfectly happy and sweet as before! just.. not as responsive, not as present. but thats not your fault, thats your job's!

if he pays for you, slowly start paying your half of everything. shows that you are stable and everything would be perfectly fine if he went up in left. in the end, thats why he got angry with you in the first place, right? he's so okay with being angry, not telling you his problems, that he can keep it to himself, right?

he doesnt need your lap to lay his head on, not your food that you prepare for him when he comes home, not the soft touches you leave on his overworked skin and definitely not the words that you coo at him everyday before he pissed you off.

make him know what the once delicious thought of takeout tastes like once he's left to fend for himself while you go out for overtime at work! trust me, its gonna taste a hell of a lot more bland, a lot more dull. depressing, really.

dont even get me STARTED on sex. (i wont, not now)

this is all justifiable, right? after all, this is how you communicate your feelings right? this is how you can show him how you felt when he showed you a cold shoulder at your warm embrace! let him have the full experience when you felt pathetic, miserable, useless.

plus, youre not wrong, arent you? you can leave whenever you want! who is he to tell you that you cant leave? as if he owns you—is that what he thinks? is that what he thinks of you? just a not-so-significant other that he can come home to whenever he wants and project his feelings unto?

no, no youre not. youre not gonna take that bullshit. he can roll it up, pack it in a bag and beat it if thats what he's thinking. no, both of you are holding an end of a rope in this relationship. a big, thick rope which you can cut off with that large ass scissor you both have.

this is just you telling him, reminding him that you can cut it whenever you like! its not threatening, not manipulation, straight truth! you CAN leave any relationship you like! its his problem if he doesnt like it, right?

your poor little boyfriend has to get his act together! start thinking straight! unless he wants to deal with your unyielding, harsh wrath for the rest of his soon-to-be miserable life.

after all, he made the first threat to your relationship, right? its just a reminder!

[thatshadowcomic]

Metal sonic in my AU

idk why I did this I don't really plan on exploring metal much, but I have some HC ideas. I could see a nice comic about his slow decline and attempted escape from eggman.

Shadow and Omega want to save Metal:

I wonder if much of metal's thoughts would fall to "why bother" and a feeling of hopelessness and accepting his circumstances. Maybe he would have forgotten himself all together...He was a copy of Sonic's personalty, during sonic's younger years, so it's kinda disturbing to consider how his tween brain would have been altered.

I don't think he would understand Shadow and Omega's want to free him--It's weird to feel like someone is going out of their way to help you when you feel there's no point.

Eggman's relationship:

Over the 2000s eggman started warming up to his creations, so one line of thinking might be eggman's relationship with his creations becoming more complicated, given his advancement of AI/machine learning. He made machines that argued with him, and thats very telling.

What if metal is finally freed and forgives his creator, unlike omega? What if he willingly chooses to return to eggman? Imagine the impact that might have on the Doctoir--of course, he would never say that it warmed his heart, but that would be the moment he started veiwing his creations are his legacy: his children...

Do you think Eggman would have secretly allowed Metal to escape the network, but be in denial of it? I think metal would struggle a lot, trying to adjust to his sudden ability to control everything. Who knows maybe his code doesnt even have all that figured out and he needs the network AI to figure it out. Im sure tails could help him.

I think Omega and Metal would be friends. I think Shadow would be happy and fulfilled by either end (metal staying with GUN or returning to eggman).

[alphabetboyluvr]

landslides - 001 | goldrush - jjk

part title credit: goldrush - taylor swift

everybody wonders what it would be like to love you... i can't dare to dream about you anymore... it never will be...

pairing: officeworker!jungkook x female reader (coworkers)

premise: jungkook asks you to dog sit over chuseok. he doesn't ask you to steal the empty spaces in his head, the dreams he's yet to have, nor the idea of you always just being 'you' to him - and yet, like a thief in the night (with his own damn dog as your accomplice), you do.

warnings: fluff more than angst, but it's not clean cut - there's also a touch of smut. office worker jk, fuck boy (but kind!) jk, mentions of his workplace escapades, oc is dating mingyu (yay), oc sorta fancies jk (boo), solo masturbation (m), vivid thoughts of shagging (jk is a perv! wow! unlike me to write him as randy bastard!), lots of facetime calls, oc and jk are fundamentally flawed as a pairing, genuine friendship, daddy kink? ig? but like kinda sweet?, jungkook has a complex brain house and you've been banished to his annexe!! he also has a thing for claw clipped hair lol

wordcount: 6.8K

note from holly: so... i dogsat (? idk if thats a word) for my friend last chuseok and this was the result hahahaha. my friends dog (boba <3) is so tiny and small!! but i've always been a big dog girlie so bam was fun to write. i really love this one and have recently found all of my old notes from around that time detailing the rest of the couples lives, so pt. 2 is in progress.

minors dni // cross posted to wattpad

Bam notices the storm roll in before you do. His ears twitch, head lifting from its rested perch on his paws.

“What’s up, baby? Hey?” You coo, his sudden shift obviously prompted by something. His snout begins to twitch, too, and his bottom lip shakes as a small growl vibrates from his throat. His eyes are on the window, stalking the clouds as they roll past. “Hey.”

You sit up a little straighter to lean forward and scratch behind his ear. He leans into it, but doesn’t take his eyes away from the sky.

“You see the rain, huh?” You hum, looking between the pup and the window ahead. You can’t place it yet - it’s too far in the distance - but you find yourself coming to sit beside him. He doesn’t lean up against you like he usually does. Just continues to lightly growl.

There’s no threat behind his noises, no malice - he’s just shouting back at the thunder you can’t hear. When you see a bolt of lightning flash in the distance just beyond the city skyline, you know that it won’t be long until Jungkook’s apartment block is drenched in the weather.

It’s just gone midnight when he calls. His face is a little puffy, smile a little lopsided.

“Hey Bammie,” he coos into the camera. You’ve got it angled down to where the pup is resting his head on your knee, peacefully unwinding after his long walk. Bam doesn’t stir at Jungkook’s voice, so he tries again. “Bammie?”

The way he elongates his puppy’s name is sweet - a tone of voice reserved only for his most trusted companion. He sure as hell has never spoken to you like that.

“Sorry, bud,” you say as you lift the camera up to your face. He’s pouting. “I don’t think the vibrations sound the same through the phone.”

“I miss him,” he says not even caring to acknowledge your thought process. “Is he okay? Was he good on his walk?”

“He’s all good,” you smile. “Best boy in the world. None of the other dogs you mentioned were down at the park, so it was just us two.”

He nods into the camera and purses his lips. “They might all be away. Visiting family.” He rolls over in his bed and lets out a yawn. “How’s the apartment? Got everything you need?”

You nod back. “All good. Might have eaten my way through your cheese stash already. I’m gonna shower then head to bed in a minute.”

“Make sure you leave the bathroom door open a little,” he says. “He’ll whine if not.”

“Will do.”

“Thank you,” he says. “I really appreciate you doing this. He hasn’t been too much work, has he?”

“He’s good as gold,” you say as you switch to the back camera. The view is serene, and Jungkook’s lips instantly settle into a smile. Bam is up on the sofa with you, snuggled against your lap. The skyline twinkles through his window, the reflection of his mood lamp obscuring some of it - but he’s quietly pleased that you’re using it. It’s how he normally winds down, too. Main lights off, galaxy on his ceiling. Must make Bam feel a little more at ease. You go to scratch behind his ear, and he huffs a little, all content and cosy. “Thanks for asking. He’s never too much work. You trained him well.”

“Hmm,” Jungkook hums. “Could have trained you a little better, though.”

He laughs when you switch the camera back to your face, mouth open, brows knitted together. “Me?!”

“Yes, you,” he grins now but tries to hide it; to restore the stoicism to his face. It doesn’t work. “What did I tell you about the sofas?”

You purse your lips together as if you’re not smiling. He’s got you there, admittedly.

“Look, he’s just so cute!” Despite the fact you’ve turned the camera back onto Bam, Jungkook can tell you’re pouting. “How could I say no?!”

“Easily!” Jungkook laughs. “That’s how he became so well trained! I leave for one night and-”

“Shuuuush,” you laugh, and when the camera switches back to you, Jungkook can’t help but let his smile persist. You look tired, and so does he, but there’s something about the call that has made you forget all about the fact you were planning on going to bed soon. “My swamp now. My rules.”

“My swamp,” he protests, but the look on his face is so saccharine that you can’t take him seriously. He thinks the same could be said for you. “Anyways, it’s late. Go get your shower. If you need more towels, there are some in the cupboard by the boiler. Don’t forget to turn the vent on - it’s the switch next to the light.”

“Alright, will do,” you nod and then yawn. Bam pricks his head up. “Hey baby,” you speak to him. “Did I wake you?”

“Show me him.”

You switch the camera around to where you’re scratching at Bam’s ear. He leans his head into the scratch, thoroughly enjoying it, your long nails far scratchier than Jungkook’s. It’s not the same - Jungkook is far stronger, so is a little rougher which suits Bam just fine. Still, he likes your scratches better than no scratches at all.

Jungkook whines. “I miss him.”

“He misses you, too. Want me to call in the morning?”

Jungkook shakes his head. “We’re up early tomorrow, heading over to Haedong Yonggungsa in the morning. Probably be up before you. Send me pictures though.”

“Will do. Night, buddy.”

“Night gremlin,” he smiles, and then begins to coo. “Night Bammie. Daddy misses you.”

He wishes you wouldn’t look at him in the way that you do when he says that; lips turned upwards at the very corners, dimples pressing into your cheeks, eyes bright.

“Shut up,” he says, but you’re already laughing.

“Daddy.”

“I am his dad!”

“Daddy.”

“Oh my god, fuck off,” he laughs. “Have nightmares, gremlin.”

“Sweet dreams, Daddy.”

“Fuck off!”

You hang up before he can protest your taunts any more, though he does text you one final ‘fuck off,’ and a reminder that you can bolt his front door if it will make you feel safer.

His apartment is in a high-rise, and his neighbourhood is far nicer than yours. You do the bolt up regardless, and think that it’s sweet that he considered your comfort enough to remind you about it.

Bam sits by the sliding door of the bathroom, the tips of his paws just teetering over the line of the door frame. He rests his head on his legs, snout angled towards the hallway. It still makes you feel a little weird. You don’t really want a dog watching you shower, even if he is a dog and has no real understanding of what’s happening - so you turn your back to him and just reassure yourself that Jungkook showers with the door open wide.

It’s a funny thing, to think about your co-worker’s showering habits. Not one that you’ve ever thought to indulge in before - but Jungkook would go ballistic if he heard you refer to him as your ‘co-worker.’ You’re friends. Pretty good ones, at that.

You’re level players at your company; earn the same wage, hold the same rank. There’s not really any competition between the pair of you - you work in different departments - but are often paired together when the two sections merge for joint projects. You make for a good team.

Over the years, you and Jungkook have also learned that you’re a highly capable team when it comes to playing beer pong against your colleagues on Friday nights, and at the mixed-doubles tennis tournament that your company insists on you participating in every year. It’s either that or be on the Christmas Party Planning committee, and you know which you’d rather do.

Thinking about tinsel in August? No, thank you.

There is however one crucial flaw to your partnerships: how you live your lives. How you manage your money.

See, Jungkook is frugal. He makes big investments - his apartment, his cars, games consoles, Bam. Doesn’t spunk his cash away on the small shit. His apartment is in the heart of the city, only a few floors from the very top. He gets a birds-eye view of the world around him. You don’t even want to imagine how much his deposit cost.

Probably more than you have in your savings. You do spunk your cash away - on the small shit, no less. Clothes, cafes, that sort of stuff. Nothing that holds permanence. It frustrates Jungkook to no end. He thinks you could have a better life if you just used your money wisely - but you’re happy in your slightly cramped apartment, happy when the serotonin of a shopping spree boosts your mood, happy when you’re laughing with your friends over coffee and cake.

You wouldn’t be happy if you felt restricted. You think that Jungkook is.

He disagrees. He has enough in the bank to buy whatever he wants. He has financial freedom.

But there’s a difference. You’re both free in your own ways.

It’s for that reason you’d never work as a couple. Would infuriate one another far too much. Everyone who is close to you both knows this; how badly suited you would be. They’ll joke about all of the women in the office trying to get their mitts on Jungkook - even the married ones - but not you.

It’s funny because they’re right. Everybody wants him.

He collects stars from their eyes and accumulates them in his own. The girls blush and giggle about how he looks at them with galaxies, but they don’t realise what a thief he is. Don’t realise he’s stolen their shine, and incorporated it into his own. A spotlight follows him, and you enjoy watching the show unfold with an amused grin whenever a new secretary catches his gaze for the first time.

It’s not intentional. You don’t think Jungkook realises he does it. In fact, he hadn’t realised that it was such a pattern of behaviour until the midnight squalor of a dive bar had you talking about office conquests, and how the photocopier room had seen his bare ass more than it had seen toner changes.

“Shouldn’t shit where you eat, Jeon,” you’d grinned.

“Firstly, that’s a horrible phrase - and secondly, it takes two to tango. They’re just as much to blame as I am.”

But they’re not. He’s the only repeat offender.

“And anyways,” he had deflected, sinking down the final dregs of his beer. “Don’t act like you’re some kind of saint. Everyone’s fucked a colleague at least once.”

You’d just raised an eyebrow.

“You’re telling me you haven’t?”

“Like I said - shouldn’t shit where you eat, Jeon.”

Now, if he’d have said housemate, you would have folded. Downed your drink. Ordered a repeat round.

Something about a shared space - domestication - really gets you. It’s joint laundry loads, shared dinners, movie nights; grocery shopping, D.I.Y. furniture, arguments about who gets the bigger room. More often than not, it never matters, ‘cause you just end up staying in theirs.

You live alone now. After the third time, you knew better than to let yourself fall into the trap once more.

He learns about your affliction a few months later, and goes on tease you relentlessly.

In fact, he mentions it when he propositions you a few weeks before Chuseok. You had both spent the last couple of holiday periods overworked, slogging through the festivities. For the first time since either of you can remember, your workload has eased up.

You’ve already told him you’re planning on doing sweet, sweet fuck all. You’ve told your family you will be working, because you just want to finally breathe for a while; stay in with a tub of ice cream and your favourite films. Speak to no one. Do nothing.

“I’ve got a favour to ask you,” he had said as he approached your desk before the end of the day. It was a Friday, but you weren’t heading for after-work drinks with the usual suspects like you typically did. You had a date, instead. A third one with the same guy - Mingyu - which felt like a miracle. Even Jungkook was a little shocked that the poor guy wasn’t sick of you.

“Go on,” you had mused as you checked over your to-do list for the following week.

“You gotta promise me something first.”

“Promise you what?”

“That you won’t fall in love with me.”

You’d swatted him away the ruler on your desk, and told him to get his head out of his ass. “Been able to resist your charms this long, Jeon. Give me some credit.”

“It’s only ‘cause you know I’d reject you, you little gremlin.”

“I thought you wanted a favour? Funny way of going about it.”

“Sorry, sorry. You’re right,” he had conceded with an apologetic smile. “Forgive me.”

“What do you want?”

“How would you feel about potentially staying at mine over Chuseok to look after Bam? My parents want us to head down to Busan for the weekend and see relatives seeing as I’m finally free and know it’s a big ask but I-”

“Oh my God, yes?!” You had smiled so wide Jungkook thought you might fracture your jaw.

You love Bam.

In fact, he might just be your favourite thing about Jungkook.

Occasionally you walk him with Jungkook on the weekends, when you’re both hungover and need to get out of a slump. You’ve grown up with pets, but moving to the city in your early twenties to pursue your career meant apartment living.

You’re a rural girl deep down, and would never want to keep a pet in a high rise.

Jungkook manages it, but he goes home at lunchtime to walk Bam during the winter. In the summer, when it’s too hot, he goes home at lunch regardless, to lounge around with Bam under the air con.

Sometimes, you go with him. Bam is always pleased to see you.

Jungkook lied and said he asked around because he didn’t want to inconvenience you.

Truth is, he wouldn’t have trusted anyone else with his baby. He’d never spent a night away from Bam. Hated the idea. Despised it, in fact. He would have just taken Bam with him to Busan, but didn’t think it would be fair to force him on the journey from Seoul.

Over in Busan, when Jungkook hangs up, the conversation isn’t over. It continues in his head.

“Hey, wait…”

“Mhhm?”

“You just… look nice tonight, that’s all.”

He thinks you’d blush. Would tell him to lay off the soju. Accuse him of getting too drunk for a family get-together. He’d let you. Would take the beating of your false accusations, because it would be far easier than admitting he’s not had a single drop.

He thinks of the hug he’ll give Bam when he gets home; how wild his tail will waggle, how he’ll jump all over the place, and how you’ll be giggling. In his mind, you’ll be smiling just as wide as he is.

You’d stay for dinner. Jungkook would order from your favourite place to say thank you. Bam would snuggle up to Jungkook - on the sofa - and you’d be on the other side, stroking his back. He’d be happy. Bam, not Jungkook. But also Jungkook. Hopefully you, too.

When the time would approach for you to go home, you’d offer to help. Rinse out the containers. Hair up in a claw clip, t-shirt off your shoulder like it so often is.

Jungkook doesn’t notice, but his hands begin to trail down his body as he thinks of you. His phone is still on his chest, rising and falling with every beat of his heart. The tips of his fingers stroke against his skin.

He thinks of you laughing with him about something inconsequential. You’d flick water in his direction when he’d make some joke at your expense. It’d all be in good humour.

But then he’d flick some back at you, and water war would break out. Bam would run excitedly between the pair of you, Jungkook chasing you around the kitchen island with wet hands - and you’d do the exact same back. You’d flick water over the counter, tap still running and he’d call you a gremlin.

There’s a smile on his lips as he thinks of his. His hands roam further south. He’s ticking at his abdomen. It’s nice. Feels calm. He likes to engage his senses when he thinks of scenarios like these. Makes it feel more real.

But then he’s thinking of your shirt and the fact it’s white.

And then he’s imagining catching up with you, holding you captive as he angles the tap towards your face. You’ll be shrieking and scrambling to get away, Bam by your feet, Jungkook laughing.

He’d relent, but only enough for you to twist to face him.

Jungkook’s fingers are by his thighs. Stroking. Caressing. He’s avoiding his cock. Knows it’s firm. His index finger spreads to his balls. Teases.

And then he thinks of your body pressed against his torso, your ass to the counter.

You’d both be soaked.

He’d look at your lips. Look in your eyes. Feel your chest against his. He’d swallow hard.

It’s at this point he forgets about Bam in the scenario. It’s just you and him.

His palm rests over the length of his cock. Presses down. His hips roll.

He’d tell you that you’ve made a mess. You’d tell him to clean it up. His heart would be racing. So would yours.

And it’s funny, because his heart actually is. It’s beating so fucking hard in his childhood bedroom, that he thinks his parents must be able to hear it through the walls.

He’s in a far-too-firm single bed, but in his head, he’s with you in his kitchen.

He begins to grip his cock, long fingers wrapping around his shaft. He pulls up. Pushes back down. Says your name. Whines.

He doesn’t even really realise he’s doing it.

Just thinks about you.

Thinks about the way it would feel to sink his lips into yours; the first bite of a forbidden fruit. Thinks about that quick tongue of yours, and if it would be just as quick to find its way into his mouth. Thinks about your manicured nails that Bam loves so much, and how they’d scratch against his scalp instead. Thinks about the way his hips would rock against you, kind of like they are now; pulsing beneath his duvet.

His mind jumps. Skips the foreplay. Doesn’t mean to - but the thoughts are intrusive. Insidious. Insatiable. He can’t help it.

He pushes up into his hand. Pauses. Waits out the feeling. Retracts. Repeats.

In his head, it’s you that he’s pushing into.

The sensation is entirely different, granted, but - fuck - he hasn’t gotten himself off all week and hasn’t had sex in far longer, so it all feels the same to him.

He hasn’t worked out the mental logistics.

His imagination is jumping from the kitchen to his bedroom and then back to the kitchen again. Can’t decide where all of this is happening - and then suddenly, he finds himself railing you in the utility room.

You’re perched above the washer, held in place by him. He can smell the laundry detergent. He’s got spotlights in the room, but they’re turned off. Only lights from the hallway and the city skyline illuminate you.

It’s obscure. The shadows in his head conceal you a little. He’s gripping your waist beneath your shirt. The baby gate which keeps Bam out of the laundry room is closed.

You’re not talking, just fucking, fucking, fucking and -

“Fuck,” he whines, hand is jerking at his cock, heart rate stuttering.

He shouldn’t be thinking about you like this.

Shouldn’t let his mind jump again to a point where you’re fucking naked, and your sodden shirt is on a pile of yet-to-be-done laundry.

But then it jumps again, and one of his towels is on the floor. He’s laying down, back against it. The same position that he’s in now in his childhood bedroom - but he’s thinking about you. The silhouette of your body. The warm curves of your body. The way you bounce on his cock and then-

Oh god, it’s torture the way his cock throbs. Pre-cum leaks from his tip as his speed builds. It’s just a fantasy. Nothing more nothing less. But it’s you. And then he’s thinking about pulling you down for a kiss, and the scent of your perfume and the way you’d moan into his mouth and then his legs are shaking, torso tensing.

He’s taking it too far. Too fucking far. You. Fuck. He can’t. But he doesn’t stop. Just keeps going. Fucks his hand like it’s your pussy.

He’s pulling himself closer, closer, closer, and then he thinks about your voice, and the way you called him Daddy, and he can’t help himself. The pressure that releases in his stomach is catastrophic. Jungkook mewls your name. Calls you baby. Unloads all over himself. White hot cum paints his belly. Seeps into his belly button. Makes a mess of his hand as he coaxes the last few ropes out. It’s been a while since his last nut, but the amount he produces is not fucking normal.

It rolls down the side of his toned torso, Jungkook swallowing harshly as he tries to regulate his breathing. He doesn’t think he can. Doesn’t know what to do with himself. Just kind of lays there. Curses. Knots his brows together. Is frustrated with himself.

You’ve been friends for years. He’s never done anything like this before. He chalks it up to nothing more than him just being a little too horny for his own good. Cleans himself off. Puts his phone on charge. Berates himself for being a piece of shit. Spends a good ten or so minutes staring at the ceiling with an empty head before he falls asleep.

And it’s funny, because when you wake up in the morning, panties damp, the dream you had about Jungkook railing you in his own damn bed, you find yourself looking across the space where he usually sleeps. You reach ouch. Stroke the emptiness. Curse. Spend the rest of the day unbearably horny. It frustrates you. Makes you snappy with Jungkook when he calls.

He asks if you’ve seen Mingyu. You tell him no. He says maybe you should - but makes sure to add, “He’s still not allowed in my apartment.”

“I’m not gonna bring anyone into your space, Jungkook.”

It’s something he knows, and something he trusts you not to do, but he’s still reinforcing boundaries. Making sure that there are still some left. He thinks that if he pushes you closer to someone else, it will sort his brain out. Alleviate him of the guilt that he’s feeling.

But you don’t see Mingyu.

When Jungkook calls again that evening to find you walking Bam alone, he’s pleased. Doesn’t want some guy you’re fucking anywhere near his most prized possession. Bam, that is. Not you. But now that he thinks of it, he finds he doesn’t want Mingyu anywhere near you, either.

“Good day?” You ask, voice a lot lighter than it had been earlier.

Jungkook nods, but he doesn’t really smile. “I miss Bammie.”

You pout. “He misses you too. He’s gonna be so excited when you get home.”

The camera switches to the back camera so he can watch Bam bound along the path. He’s on his lead, snout sniffing in all the flowerbeds. It’s dark out, but there are enough lights on the trail for him to be able to see clearly.

“How is he? Eating okay? Going to the bathroom okay?”

“Eating like a champ, and producing shits to confirm that,” you say flatly. It’s definitely your least favourite part of animal ownership - but the reward is so much greater than having to pick up shit off a sidewalk.

“That’s my boy,” Jungkook grins, before turning his focus to you. “You all good? Seemed a little stressed earlier.”

Jungkook’s expression doesn’t change when the front camera flips back to you, but he finds his heart racing again. When you turn your head to check the car that’s driving past, he notices your hair is up with a claw clip. Just like it was in his… thoughts about you the night before. He likes how attentive you are - how you checked the source of the noise. You’re protective. Follow your instincts. Thinks you’re the best person he could have asked to look after Bam.

“I’m all good,” you say, and you really are.

“I know it’s not exactly the relaxing Chuseok you were planning-”

“Jungkook, it’s fine,” you smile. “It’s been nice. I like Bammie far more than I like you.”

“Understandable.”

You both smile, and Jungkook begins to babble about his day, telling you stories about his parents, and his weird cousin who never knows when to not say inappropriate things, and the aunt who keeps trying to set him up with all of her friends’ daughters.

“Don’t shit where you eat,” you remind him. “Sounds too close to home. Your auntie would never be out of your business.”

“I know, I know,” he rolls his eyes. “And hey - it’s been, like, a year since I last did that! Cut me some slack, gremlin. Anyways, Mingyu works in our building. You’re basically shitting where you eat.”

“I’m actually… I think I’m gonna cool things off with him.”

“Oh?”

“It’s like not a big deal. I’m just not really feeling it.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re not.”

“No, you’re right. I’m not,” Jungkook admits, but is sombre as he does so. He remembers how happy you’d seemed after the first few dates. “But I am sorry that you haven’t found the right guy yet, gremlin.”

“Who knows, maybe I’ll find the love of my life at the dog park tonight.”

“You are not allowed to use my baby as a flirting tactic.”

“No?”

“No.”

“Too late - I’m already here and there is an absolute DILF. Byeeeee.”

“Wait, no-”

You hang up before he can finish, with a grin on your face to rival a Cheshire cat.

The park is empty. Not a single DILF in sight. You ignore his call when he rings back. Will let him sweat it for a bit.

Jungkook lies awake that night.

Doesn’t do much.

His family are still chatting in the sitting room, but he can’t draw himself away from the sanctuary of his own private space, where your voice is still echoing around the room. He’s starting to understand why you’d been craving your space so much for the holiday period.

He doesn’t wanna have to return to the room with a false smile, and a feeling in the pit of his stomach that could rival the ache of getting the ferry across Busan harbour during monsoon season.

Doesn’t want to form cognitive thoughts that distract him from his mindless reflections of you.

Jungkook’s mind works like a house, and right now he’s in the annexe.

He rarely ever goes in there.

Finds he gets too comfortable and neglects the rest of the house. He’s got a garden to tend to, a kitchen to clean, and beds to make - but why would he leave the annexe when it has everything he needs? He’s comfortable there.

It’s normally reserved for the hyper-fixations he’s trying not to fixate on. He locks them away. Hasn’t really visited since he got hooked on GTA5 when he should have been studying for the University Entrance Exam. It’s still there, and he knows better than to pop it in his games console - but there’s someone else on the couch, now. It’s not just him in his mind-annexe. Someone’s in his space. He daren’t let himself go further into the room.

In fact, he’s desperately trying to jump across to the main house. Get himself out of the thoughts that are gonna consume him. He needs to close that God damn door.

But he watches the figure like a car crash. He’s scared. Unable to look away.

Not for fear of it being a monster hidden in the depths of his mind.

Quite the opposite, actually.

Monsters don’t wear their hair up with butterfly-shaped claw clips, or let the clasp of their necklace trail down their spine like that. Monsters don’t twist their back out of habit just to make it click. Monsters don’t spend their days doodling in a journal like the figure on his couch is doing.

But you do.

An iteration of Bam rests up against Jungkook’s leg in his mind, nose wet, tail lightly wagging, so he puts his hand on his pup’s shoulder for comfort. To support him. To guide him away from the annexe and back into the damn main house.

“C’mon,” he says to Bam, expecting him to leave. Expecting him to follow his commands.

It’s his head, after all - but Bam doesn’t heed his commands. Instead, his claws click against the hardwood floor and towards the figure on Jungkook’s couch. A palm outstretches, and Bam leans into it. Hums in content as a set of dark nails scratch at his ear.

“Hey, baby Bammie,” the figure sings and Jungkook knows that voice. Knows it so well that it’s hardly a surprise it’s embedded into his brain so perfectly.

And he knows.

He knows if he lets the person turn around exactly who it’s gonna be. He knows that he can’t let it happen. He won’t.

Because he and you are friends; nothing more, nothing less. Incompatible at best. A match made in hell; so wrong it could never be right.

Jungkook sits up. Shakes his head. The world in his mind tears away into darkness. He stands and tells himself to get a grip before joining his family. He needs the distraction. Needs to have cognitive thoughts. Can’t let himself get trapped. Can’t let him kid himself into thinking that you’re anything more than his friend.

It’s just cause he’s missing Bam, he reasons. Emotions are getting all mixed up. It’s the affection he feels for his beloved best friend that is getting misplaced onto you - although, if he thinks about it (which he won’t (knows better by this point (knows his mind can’t be trusted to behave))), he’d realise that you are his best friend.

It’s unfair to compare you to Bam because you’re an entirely different species, but there’s no other human he likes better than you.

One more day, and he’ll be home. One more day, and he won’t have to call you when he’s all sleepy and confused over his feelings. One more day, and things will be back to normal. One more measly day.

And then he’ll be reunited with Bam, and he won’t have the stress of family or thinking about the week of work ahead to contend with.

One more day. He can do this.

He will do it. Will barrel home at the speed of lightning; will stop only for red lights and maybe the occasional gas station snack, potato spirals on a pointed wooden skewer and deep-fried chicken slathered in a sauce he can never quite figure out the recipe for.

He’ll think about picking you up some bungeoppang - the ones filled with choux, not red bean paste - because he knows that you adore it so. There have been occasions when you’ve begged him to drive you out of the city to the large gas station out West just so you could have bungeoppang from one specific stall.

The signage is faded, and the prices haven’t changed since 2009, but that’s how you know it’s the good shit. A family recipe batter passed down for generations. The woman who makes it is always the same, and though she never remembers you, you always remember her. Beam so brightly Jungkook thinks he’s going blind whenever you spot her.

It’s only because of that one time you’d showed up with the sole mission to retrieve some of the delicious delicacies, only to be confronted with a handwritten ‘closed today, back tomorrow’ note taped to the menu. You never know when the next family emergency or trip out of town might be for your beloved bungeoppang-making Ajumma.

It’s a little after midday when Jungkook’s car rolls into the gas station. He’ll be home soon.

He tells himself that he’s just doing as he always does. Will get his tornado potato. Wolf it down. Go back for some chicken, maybe some tteok.

He’s stayed out of the annexe today. Doesn’t even think about the doorway because he knows the magnetic pull is far too strong for his cobalt heart.

Had ignored your call this morning - sorry, just saying goodbye to everyone. will see you later. - and had pushed all thoughts of you to the side. He’s even tried to stop thinking about Bam because thoughts of him will inevitably lead to thoughts of you and Jungkook is getting dizzy, quite frankly. It’s like he’s chasing his tail, never knowing when to admit defeat.

At least Bam gets enjoyment out of it when he does it. All Jungkook gets is lingering feelings of remorse.

But as he hits the home straight, a small paper bag full of choux bungeoppang cooling down on his passenger seat, his head starts to clear. He’s fixed the lock on the gate that leads to the annexe. Won’t go down that path.

Jungkook arrives ahead of schedule. Parks his car, and doesn’t tell you he’s arrived. Leaves his bag in the boot of the car, but picks up the pastries from his passenger seat.

Opens the door of his apartment quietly. You don’t hear it. Are too busy dancing around the living room with Bam to some mid-noughties classic.

“Hey,” you laugh a little breathlessly as finally notice him. He’s leaning against the wall. Is wearing his glasses, to make up for the long drive. You think it’s a crying shame he doesn’t wear them at work, too.

“Was I interrupting something?”

“No, not all,” you say. There are deep creases below your eyes, testament to the size of your smile. “Me and baby Bammie-” you reach over and stroke at his sides, a little rough and tumble, but perfectly joyous “- were just burning off a little energy before you got home.”

Jungkook crouches, arms outstretched for Bam. The puppy knocks into Jungkook’s chest, legs all moving slightly out of coordination, excitable whines sounding in his throat. His tail wags so fast you think he’d be able to produce electricity if he really tried.

They match each other’s energy; delirious happiness, content only when in one another’s presence.

“Hey buddy,” he coos. “Daddy’s home. I missed you. Missed me too, hey? C’mere.”

His strong hands stroke Bam’s sides, and you watch how playful they both are with unadulterated awe. It seems absurd how similar the two of them are; man and his best friend.

“He was lost without you,” you confirm.

“It’s that right?” Jungkook pouts as he scratches behind Bam’s ears, cradling his face in his hands. “Did Bammie miss Daddy?”

Bam barks. Yes.

“Hey, I’m sorry, boy. I’m home now, though. Daddy’s home.”

Yes, you think. Yes, he is.

The night dissolves much like Jungkook thought it would. You stay for dinner. Watch crappy entertainment shows, and laugh at how absurd people can be. There’s warmth in his apartment, even though he hasn’t turned the heating on.

“You’ll never know how much I appreciate this,” Jungkook says softly as midnight approaches. Bam sighs. There’s rain on the windows, but the storm doesn’t bother him tonight. Not in the slightest. “Thank you.”

Your head shakes. Smile perseveres. “Happy to do it. You know how much I love Bam.”

Silence wraps around your words like a velvet bow, pulled taut. There’s no double knot, but there needn’t be. It isn’t unravelling any time soon.

“So,” you change topic. “How long do you reckon it will take the new secretary to fall in love with you? I’m thinking maybe four days.”

Jungkook wants to make a joke; tease you about how your mind jumped from how much you love his dog, to the idea of loving him. Not you loving him, granted, but it only took a few electrical signals between neurons for you to get there. Must associate him with love pretty closely.

“Four days? Far too quick.” Jungkook pauses. “You’ve been staying here for four days. Reckon that’s an appropriate amount of time to fall in love with someone?”

He’s being facetious. It’s all in jest and yet you feel your heart beat a little faster. Only for a moment. There’s a mild concern in your features, fearful that he can somehow sense the thoughts you’ve been having; the fantasies, the daydreams, the moments of weakness.

You look at him with eyes he doesn’t recognise. Your lashes are low. Sultry, even. Suggestive. Teasing.

And then, they roll.

“Jeon, you have those poor girls on their knees within a single ‘hello’. Don’t act like you don’t know it, you big old flirt.”

“If Bam wasn’t so peaceful, I’d kick you,” he mumbles, stroking at the dark fur behind his pup’s ear. Bam sighs, content to have him back. There’s a smile on Jungkook’s lips. Both are perfectly content. Both are happy to be with the people they like the most in the world.

“He’d just defend me,” you taunt. There’s a serenity to your jokes, and light-hearted banter that means nothing more, nothing less than just enjoyment of one another’s company. “I’m his favourite now.”

Jungkook laughs. Scratches a little firmer behind Bam’s ear. “You hear that, boy? Gremlin really thinks you’d choose her over me.”

You pull your torso back. Turn your body to face his. Let disbelief wash over your features, as if Jungkook saying shit like that’s a surprise. The movement alerts Bam, his head lifting, the chain links of his collar rattling. He looks over to you, then back to Jungkook.

“He LOVES me.”

“I thought dogs are supposed to take after their owners, though?” Jungkook teases. “And I can’t fuckin’ stand you.”

Your playful shock dissolves into narrowed eyes and a suppressed grin. Bam’s looking at you again, so you cup his dainty face and scratch the underside of his jaw. “You hear that, baby Bammie? How are you so lovely when your Daddy is such an asshole?”

Jungkook’s steady gaze lifts to you from Bam. You’re still cooing at the puppy, scratching beneath his snout, but Jungkook’s back in that damn annexe again. He isn’t smiling - but his eyes are unbelievably soft.

So, so velvety. Like satin, maybe; ribbons tied around ponytails. Brushed cotton, perhaps; his still-warm bedsheets fresh out of the tumble dryer.

Soft, like he imagines your hair would be; released from its claw clip, falling around his face. Soft, like he imagines your lips would be; pressed against his, in the privacy of his bedroom. Soft, like he imagines your laugh would be; soundtracking the living alarm clock that is Jeon Bam, as he bundles onto Jungkook’s bed at just gone six-thirty the following morning.

But then you look up at him, and his stare is hard. Still sparkling, yes - but diamonds, not stars. Concrete speckled. Pennies tossed in an empty well; the steel bolt of his door which keeps the outside world at bay.

Hard, like he imagines your teeth would be; tugging on his bottom lip in the shadows of his bedroom. Hard, like he imagines your nails would be; leaving a trail of ruby red sin down his back. Hard, like he imagines your laboured breaths would be; lips resting ajar against his, your very essence pouring into him as he pushes into you.

Hard. Soft. Confusing and conflicting, and just so unbelievably him.

“What?” you question, bemused by the way his demeanour changed. “‘Daddy’ really gets you, huh?”

“Does fuck all for me,” he says with a little temperance, but there’s a smirk on his lips. His tongue runs along the inside of his cheek.

A few have tried the moniker on him, but it never fit well. Would fall from their lips and crash to his bedroom floor. He’d just kiss them to shut them up.

But you… You have him reconsidering. Have him a little hot beneath his sweats.

It’s not really the idea of being your Daddy, but the concept of being one full-stop that has him adjusting his legs slightly. He’s a man of big investments, after all. No greater investment than starting a life with another person. He likes the idea of it.

Makes him think of you talking with a toddler - I’m not sure, baby, go ask Daddy -and the pitter-patter of feet across the hardwood floors of his apartment. Makes him think how gentle you are with Bam, and how wonderful he knows you’d be with a kid. Makes him think all kinds of shit he’s never let himself indulge in before.

When he goes to bed that evening, and his sheets are seeped in the scent of your perfume, he thinks of it all over again.

Thinks of you.

And realises he can’t think about you without his heart racing, any more.

The door of the annexe in his mind is broken, now. Off its hinges.

And apparently, so is he.

Shit.

part two (x)

[thyfleshc0nsumed]

I'm struggling with 12 step real fuckin hard right now. I've always had disagreements with many of NA's ideas, even if I've found it helpful for me personally. I think a lot of it is good and useful and true, like especially the "I cannot control anything besides the actions that I take" kinda stuff. Definitely not unique to twelve step or anything, like thats more or less the foundation of like half of all spiritual thought ever, but still, it's laid out in ways that I've found useful in practical terms.

But idk. They can say it's a spiritual and not religious program all they like, but the program is fundamentally objectivist in most of its beliefs (not like, the Ayn Rand kind of objectivism, just like, the opposite of subjectivism) and that sort of objectivism requires something to originate the objective ontologies. In the program, boundaries between things both physical and metaphysical exist in an objective matter. And sure, I've met very few members whose "god" refers to Our Lord And Savior Jesus Christ, but at the root of it, they still believe in some theistic master of the universe, even if it is a secular one.

Meetings just piss me the fuck off nowadays. I go in and say "I'm fucking struggling here, I'm an atheist, like a real fuckin atheist, like actually an atheist for real, and the answers that the program gives that work for everybody else don't fuckin work for me on account of my belief in a purely physical universe," then some fuck goes "yeah, I had trouble with the god thing too, I mean i'm also an atheist but I was told to not let it worry me and trust the process. My god is the group/process/universe/whatever," and its like, no you stupid motherfucker, I do not have a fucking god at all and I need one to actually work this fucking step that I'm on.

And don't get me wrong, there are many things that appear and in some ways might as well function as a god due to the limitations of the human mind, but its no different than staring at static on a television and seeing images in it. The images aren't actually there outside of our perspective, our fucking brains are just being given too much data to properly process it all, so it imposes already processed data onto it. And right now, it feels like the program and every member I hear from is just saying "no, those images really are there, trust the process and you'll see them too," and its like FUCK!!!!!!!!! The problem isn't that I'm not seeing the images, I DO see the images sometimes, the problem is that I fucking know they aren't there in any non-subjective sense!!!!!!!!!! I can't un-know what I know!!!!!!!!!!!!!

idk. Im just struggling. I tried a lot of shit to get sober and NA was the only thing that fucking worked. There is some personal truth i've found in it, both in the nature of my addiction and in the nature of life without drugs. But as I get more and more and more time, it feels like it keeps working for me less and less and less. And idk what to do about it. idk. I wish I believed in a god.

[lsunstreakerl]

HOW ARE YOU WRITING FASTER THAN I CAN READ HELLO WHAG IS THIS 😭😭😭😭 (not complaining one bit though thank you for the bedtime stories 😆😆)

starting off...MAX KNOWS WOOOOOOOOOO TIME TO CELEBRATE!!!!!! MISUNDERSTANDINGS OVER!!!!!!!...ngl I was still thinking if max still has no idea after being called 'your highness'...no hope for him I fear hshfhshfhd but he connected the dots!! and joris being weirded out when max goes 'hes looking for the prince consort' and joris is there like 'yeah he found the prince consort AND SEVERELY WOUNDED YOUR ASS'

mvp being gp once again (mick shares partial credit for alerting max and scaling the wall...showing them how it's done!) with his big brain figuring out quickly what was happening...I fear his brain so big it fried his hair off. anyways! (also THANK YOU GP FOR SPELLING IT OUT WORD FOR WORD FOR MAX I FEAR THERE WAS NO OTHER WAY FOR HIM TO GET IT 😭😭😭)

MAX KICKING ASS AND TAKING NAMES THATS MY BOY!!!!!! I'm sure rico was losing his mind worrying about wifey but fret not king! wifey is a hella good warrior which is somehow unexpected to Saddik's squad...I am curious if they just had no idea that max was a good fighter (esp since he's a Northerner?) or like is max's fighting prowess not a well known thing? (but now that I think about it I guess they don't really know 'max' is good at fighting but they know there's someone under aliases that are good at fighting? idk jdhfjsjfjjd)

I am but a conduit through which the stories flow ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

HE FINALLY GOT IT FIGURED OUT!! basically what happened there is that while he was resting, joris was like "I'm worried about him, he was talking in third person before he went down" and GP is like hmmmmmmmmm.

surely not.

but he's just a little suspicious, so he tosses the full title out next time he talks to max. just to see. and max's very quiet extremely subtle not at all visible panic confirms it for him. so at the moment GP is the only one who knows that max didn't know. and he thinks he's a dumbass.

he had too many thoughts... you can't have beautiful hair and think, it's not possible! he had to sacrifice his hair for the good of the kingdom. a real martyr.

saddik and his soldiers find out about the prince consort, and while they're aware that max is northern, there's not any understanding of his fighting prowess in any capacity. yes, northern soldiers are a pain in the ass to fight, but max is technically a noble, so they assume his combat is more gearing towards showmanship than practicality. whoops.

there's definitely a few aliases that are well known among saddik and his men- max has caused them plenty of problems in the past.

rico was definitely panicking once they realized it was a trap. he and his men got cornered and had to fight their way out, and when they realized Saddik wasn't there... there was really only one other place he could've gone. by the time he and his men (already injured) made their way back to the castle, it was mostly wrapped up. sure, there's lots of repairs that need to be done, but the attempted takeover was very brief, all things considered.

[box953]

vinnayyyyyyy idk if anyone has asked you before but what are your post canon visions for all the surviving characters??

HIIII umm let me pull some thoughts out of my beautiful mind.

The only thing i have really ever ruminated on is the idea of Jacobi showing up at Minkowski’s house after disappearing off the face of the earth for several months and forcefully moving in on her couch. Minkowski who is in the process of trying to heal her relationship with her husband who thought she was fucking Dead and who is going through a Lot because that healing process comes with realizing just how much she has to tell him about what she Did up there and then Jacobi, one of the guys who was greatly impacted by the things Minkowski Did, shows up like hey lol. Im here to be your reoccurring sitcom side character.

i think Jacobi shows up to her place because he’s incredibly aimless without si-5 work and without Kepler to follow around like a lost dog. He absolutely guilts her into it because he Knows that she feels bad about Maxwell and i think his lost dog schtick really nails home how much hes lost and she feels responsible for his aimlessness on earth. And also in a weird way his anger towards Minkowski is also a memory of Maxwell and that all funnels together into a weird brain concoction of feelings that make him feel very Attached to Minkowski, even if he doesn’t like her.

Any other characters are a lot more vague in my mind. I have absolutely no clue what they would do with Hera and her supergiant supercomputer brain but through the power of “dont worry about it” maybe they just turn her into a home security system or something. I don’t think she’d like it but they don’t have much for other options.

I think a lot about Eiffel’s memory loss and. While i dont Like it. If i had to play in the space with it, i feel like Eiffel should regain those memories. And, playing into the fact that Doug Eiffel is a coward, i think it would be interesting if him regaining his memories on earth had to be an intentional process that he had to work through in order to gain those memories. Because then there is the possibility of him realizing more and more about who he is and having to wrestle with the idea of just taking the cowards way out and continuing to forget. Forget what happened, forget everything he did, forget why he was ever sent up to orbit wolf 359, and just move on as this new version of himself instead of having to address the person he is. Could be fun. Could be silly. I envision him and Hera wandering around his mindscape (dont ask me how they have the resources to jack her in there) and idk i think it could be interesting to play with the visuals of actively having to go find your memories in your mind.

lovelace…. Lovelace…… i want good things for her. I do not know if they would come to her easy back on earth. I feel she would be very restless. I think she would go hard into no-contact, no way to track her down, disappearing to a beach off the coast of nowhere for a while to decompress after four years of the torture labyrinth. I think that has mixed results and has the capacity to tip over into just pure isolation. After some time maybe she wraps back around to keep in touch with Eiffel to make sure he’s doing okay and then just keeping in touch with the others over time. But i think shes going to need a lot of support once she gets down there.

and this is all without really considering any Goddard related nonsense. I think a post-canon wolf 359 has the capacity to just delve into More Story Happening. I think Lovelace should plan to infiltrate Goddard futuristics to literally blow it up from the inside. That could be a fun spinoff series. But thats its own entire thought process and im just looking at this through a pov of “what if they were returning back to normal lives on earth”

[hollyhomburg]

I saw somebody else’s ask and it made me rlly curious cause they mentioned omega-omega mating marks, what would they look like in the BILYverse? I’m deathly curious about how two mark mated omegas would work out in all the specifications and stuff. You explain it rlly nicely my brain loves it, sorry for the weird ask.

tbh, the only thoughts that i have on it is that if two omega's mated nesting and nest making would become like- the primary bonding activity. like lord help whatever alphas where in the pack with them because their nest would be the most intimate thing for them ever like- litterally stitched with their love in every blanket.

i just imagine them fussing after a long day of work and one of them just like- bolts into the nest and flops, only to surge up and absolutely attack the other with kisses. omega-omega mating marks would be more posessive vs protective- like with alpha-alpha mating marks (ie what tae and jimin eventually have where jimin feels like he's jumping out of his skin every time tae so much as gets close to the edge of the sidewalk.

i think at first two omega's mating would just get so so so sleepy! like they would just get so so clingy with each other :( thats what it would be like. constant cuddling and sleepyness. idk why my brain just flashed to the idea of big strong alpha ceo namjoon (who maybe has trouble being intimate b/c trauma) and who doesn't want to mate, having two sugar babies m/c and koo who eventually decide to give each other mating marks, and namjoon would be so so so encouraging of them! and would basically take a whole year of leave just to guard their mating nest and make sure that they remembered to eat while wrapped up in all of them.

and tbh- they were all a bit worried (but never confessed their worries because they're emotionally constipated and dumb) that if the m/c and koo mated then they wouldn't have any more room for love for namjoon but little did they expect their instincts to decide that namjoon is the /only/ alpha that they can trust and that all of the ones outside are scary 🥺

in my mind it would be sort of a consensual posessive/controlling relationship but namjoon knows it's best for them if they're kept under lock and key <3 not locked in his apartment but! maybe strongly strongly encouraged to remain as the sugar babies that they are forever and perpetually order in food and stay nesty and happy as their hearts desire. and only go outside if their alpha is there to gaurd them! and keep them away from the other yucky alphas! maybe jk is even kinda in on it but the m/c isn't because jk understands how precious she is and how easily suggestible she is to strangers and really- namjoon is a good packmate of course- he knows that she has to be kept safe at home in the nest. ooof sorry this got a bit dark!

[ghousttm]

no cuz like -

just WHAT is the nature of these crystals from Blackrock?

How do they effect the user? What makes phighters that use a crystal different from any other?

These questions occured to me when i wanted to rethink my phighting OC, Paths, after i actually found info about and looked into the lore of Phighting (I prioritized making a phighting oc of a gear i actually remember and fondly used. Coil used to be one but.. well- im not challenging the devs they did so much better than what i had in mind.)

mainly my info is sourced from these videos (by TheNamelessAccount) (by manta_mari) thank youuuuu :33

originally, my idea was that Paths was able to generate paths because they owned a crystal. And they're like a shows-person like The Flipside or whatever. I didn't rlly think much for them at all bc i didn't want to set anything in stone without knowing any of the source lore

After knowing what little lore about phighting crystals, i was ready to implement it to Paths until i wondered - does the crystal REALLY make her paths?

First off, every Demon in Inpherno spawns already with their gears and basic knowledge in how to use them

Second, pretty sure not just anybody can have access to it!! There's only one, and the only one's who we know has access to it currently is Subspace

Third - i dont even think materializing is something the crystals do.

but enough about my oc - heres one things about the crystals i noticed.

The way to use a crystal is smth smth yada Horn smth smth idk the fuckinf words leave me alone

: The two phigters we know has a piece of the crystal is Subspace, Medkit and Coil.

For the first two, it being that shiny thingay between their horns.. its cool that Medkit's is shaped like a diamond while subspace's is like a star, and those being the shapes recurring in their design.

I cant tell if the crystal shard has ALWAYS had that form.. (it'll be especially interesting of Subs' shard was always like that) if Subs' was modified, or if they just overtime morph to the shape befitting its user.

(coil art by EasternightF on Twitterx)

for Coil, it being a shard between the bump on his right horn! If you look at the other coil colors, you'll see that it's actually a blue-ish / gray chunk lodged into his color-changing horn

semi unrelated but - what if it doesnt work on his left horn bc his left horn isn't REALLY his horn..? its just a prosthetic decoration so he doesnt stand out.. i mean if it IS his horn, it should've changed colors with his gear shouldn't it...? or maybe im looking too much into it idk. His bandage and clothing change colors too so 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

And the Biographs technically doesnt count? the crystal is used as its core and im pretty sure the horns are only accessory to make them look more demonoid

i THINK the crystals work by concentrating the summed power/effect of its user's gear? If we're thinking that their ultimates are the result of the crystal's enhancing and thats ONLY what it does

If not, they also enhance by giving buffs to both its user and their surrounding(s) probably. But also idk much abt any of the phighters' abilities.. and also, again, Biograph.

i want your guys' thoughts on trhis......

i rlly wunna finally be satisfied with Paths but before designing her i rlly want to get at least some part of her lore figured out and for that i feel like i have to figure out the crystal thing too decide everything else 😭 (among other things like what even IS their gear...)

eurgghh brain dead.... I'll come babck to. this........ skmetime idk....

Definitions of everything lore i talked abt

(1) Demon: the species all the horned humanoids in Phighting lore is called. Has nothing to do with biblical demons (yet)

(2) Inpherno: the place(country? world?) Phighting takes place in. It contains The Crossroads and the Four Factions. Very big and large (pause. -dont say it.)

[yourloveaton]

Just scroll through everything I have missed. The fuck you mean Trickster doesn't sleep ?!?? What. Did I get it wrong? Am I not understanding something?

Plus, about my last ask about Undyne. Or if to be more concreting about the Asgore's "maybe ask Trickster to train Undyne a bit" part of the answer. I personally really can't see him doing this. Because Trickster is kinda...not..really... in the guard??? Like you get it? Yes, Sans started doing this while he was part of the guards, WE knew that. And yes, he might be associated with them in the eyes of other monsters. But realistically, how can someone who's identity you don't know be officially a part of the government structure? So that means you can't really say this person what to do. You can ask nicely and hope that this will work, but ehh idk about that

Of course, there is another explanation for this possibility. Trickster simply was given a job offer as part of a guards at some point from Asgore. And now he gets paid twice. As Sans and as Trickster. LMAO, just think about it XDD Which actually made me think, does Sans get paid at his job at the laboratory??? Or Gaster just taked him as an unpaid intern. Ahahahah, that would be cruel

OKAY I’m slowly getting back to the inbox IM SO SORRY FOR THE LONG WAIT AGAIN 😭🙏🙏 It’s been so busy I couldn’t have the time to seriously sit down and write earnestly…

HAHAHA WHERE DID U GET TRICKSTER’S SLEEP HABITS FROM He does get sleep, but I guess it’s so little enough that nobody has seen him sleep or anything related to it rlly !!! Who knows 🤷

Yeahhh I get your reasoning !!! Let me try to brainstorm and explain what I’ve thought for Trickster’s position in royal guards and anything related to it

Asgore and Sans know each other, through Gaster since in this au Gaster and Asgore were friends that worked together, Gaster introduced the skelebros to Asgore long time ago

I in all honesty haven’t thought throughly about the Trickster’s royal guard role and its details yet cuz I’ve been working on his other parts of his lore, which took more priority as of now AHAHA

But as I was saying, Trickster’s existing connection with Asgore and how his silly reputation with the underground would have reached to Asgore’s ears eventually and and and UGHH MY BRAIN IS NOT WORKING SORRY Gaster could’ve told Asgore too actually AHAHHAAHA many possibilities happening here

but what I wanted to say is that, Asgore would know Trickster eventually and THAT IS WHY he could’ve asked Trickster to do little training session for Undyne since Asgore would’ve wanted her to learn and experience new things from someone different than himself, also it’s his close friend’s son like he’s sure he got some tricks up to his sleeve that could help undyne’s growth or WHATEVER I THINK THATS WHAT I THOUGHT AT THE TIME?? I genuinely don’t remember anymore….

Yeah sorry… I lowkey forgot most of it let me think again… The royal position he’s gotten could either be a sentry or u know, replacing someone’s role for a time because of reasons? Cuz one of the ideas I had was that Gaster heard Asgore’s talk about maybe royalty guards and role replacement or whatever was talked about so Gaster might’ve put Trickster to handle it??? IDEK IF I EXPLAINED IT PROPERLY IM SO SORRY I’m in brainstorm mode rn I’m not good with writing 😭😭😭

But errr errr yeahh something along the way, could be worked more on it later on..

Trickster was an unpaid intern for a while actually AHAHAHA but he did eventually start getting paid for it, not that it matters much cuz… yeah… they’re lowkey rich…. Trickster is a nepo baby 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

anyway, thank you so much for your asks again, I appreciate them SO SO MUCH you’ve got no idea !!! Makes me enjoy developing Trickster’s lore even more too ehehehee 💖💖💖 Let me know if u didn’t get any of these or just have another question heh

[ngage2003]

hi your blog brings me so much joy, like actually. A lot of stuff you write about (regarding mh) is either stuff I've thought about for literal days at a time going "man I wish someone who actually knew what they were talking about could chime in" or stuff I hadn't even Thought to consider. Idk you're right and correct always and the way you convey your ideas is very satisfying.

,,, I've never actually sent an ask or anything on here, I feel like I should like,, actually Ask something? You got any thoughts on Jay getting shot in the side as his own stigmata and how that might add to his relationship to Alex (if at all)? (note: this is a very surface level thought, I haven't delved any deeper than this so no pressure)

WAUGH oh my gosh thank you, anon, that is extremely flattering to read, wow. I am so glad you are enjoying my analysis rambles and writing!! I do try my best to be concise and convey things clearly, and it is so awesome to know some writing of mine has been "satisfying" to read!

Oh my gosh, do I ever have thoughts about Jay getting shot!

I believe I have gone off about it before on here I am sure, but Jay's death by Alex hands is in my opinion what really solidifies him as too far gone, as throughout this entire series before, Jay has remained impervious because Alex cares about him too much to harm him.

Even when he has him at point blank range and feels betrayed*, he rants at him! He talks and talks and spits emotions and betrayal at Jay's feet, putting off actually hurting him until something stops him. A similar thing happens when they're in the woods and Alex tells his ghost story. He could have killed Jay here but didn't!

⚹ In Entry #52, where Alex finally shows aggression towards Jay directly, he mentions that he didn't want Jay to "share the tapes with the world," and I believe he found the channel around this point and felt then truly alone because he couldn't trust Jay. This doomed him in some ways because it isolated him and we know thats dangerous with the Operator, but there was still Alex Kralie in that paranoid, angry brain.

But at the end, Alex doesn't talk, doesn't even emote.

He shoots Jay, and then runs after him in a panic, before calming turning off the camera.

Maybe in that panic we saw the last shred of Alex Kralie, a part of him that died with Jay and left him a total puppet.

Jay and Alex this whole series have been parallels, with Jay following in Alex's footsteps slowly becoming more and more like him. But the loss of Jay now signals the coming demise of Alex, of how this'll all end.

The series started with Jay talking about Alex.

The two can't exist without the other, not without something drastic changing, as severe as medical intervention.

On Jay's wound being like a stigmata though, (a scar/mark similar to that which was inflicted on Christ—Jay has a side wound like Christ had begotten by a spear iirc, idk I'm not Christian,) that is something I am iffy on the intentionality of.

The artist in me thinks they just wanted something they could show that was fatal enough to kill him but wouldn't immediately drop him like a chest shot.

But that being said, there is something interesting about the strange religious ties that show up with the Operator, most of which seem born in the series of Brian possibly being Christian and him clinging to it even as he loses his faith because its so foundational to him, but some of which aren't.

Like, Skully calls the Ark just that in the comics, despite not absorbing Brian yet. This could merely be due to her knowing him and watching the channel i guess, but its strange. (Skully on a library computer watching TTA, ok.)

I am too hungry right now to be concise, but there is something interesting about how Christian theming is seemingly tied to the Operator and corrupted. It is something that shows up consistently, and whether it be due to the human mind rationalizing the existence of the Operator with one abstract thing we're all sorta ingrained with by culture (religion) or what, I couldn't tell you.

Food for thought though :-)

[dervampireprince]

addressing this as a post rather than answering the ask.

look. if you don't like the way i ramble, you don't have to follow me or read my posts. the person who sent that asked followed up with me after my response and were okay with my response so you're assuming things about people by assuming people aren't happy with my responses.

i ramble. i'm autistic. i worry. i know my replies are long, i have a hard time condensing my thoughts down into short replies.

the question was 'can i imagine your ocs differently to how you design then' thats what they were asking. and i have no idea what 'differently' meant. i never accused the person sending the ask of cis-washing my ocs. i merely was giving examples of what 'differently' could mean and why i would find that upsetting. whether 'differently' was cis-washing or whether it was merely imagining them with different features. i brought up my other characters because i wanted too. i wanted to talk about how their designs mean a lot to me, and it is clearly related to the question. i don't know how you could think it wasn't related. because again i was giving examples of why i'm not comfortable with people imagining my characters looking different than their designs, which was the question being asked. even though yes they were specifically asking about hawthorn, the ask is public, all my followers will see it, and some of them may by thinking of imagining my other ocs differently, and i wanted to address all of that.

and also idk it's my blog and i'm allowed to bring up whatever i want. at no point did i accuse the asker of anything, i have no idea if they were imagining him 'differently' as having a different hair colour, height, body type, or yes even if they were imagining him having top surgery when he doesn't have top surgery and i so i wanted to address all possibilities. in order to prevent getting asked the same question again, and to get all my feelings about the topic out in one post so everyone can refer back to that not a bunch of different asks and posts.

the asker didn't specify anything, and with my autism and anxiety my brain runs off thinking 'oh what if they meant this, my answer didn't include if they meant this' 'oh what if they meant something else, i should address that too in case thats what they meant'

and sure, my answers to asks can get long, and i maybe i misunderstand the question sometimes. and maybe i go off-topic. but this is my blog and this is how i talk and answer questions and if you don't like it, sorry if sounds rude but you don't have to follow me or read my posts.

i'm not a mind reader, i struggle a lot with understanding tone, i worry constantly that i'm misunderstanding every ask i get that and that my response is going to come across ruder than i mean it too and with my autism i constantly am scared people will think i'm rude because i talk very matter-of-fact and am told that i don't sound happy enough even when i'm really trying to not sound rude. if it turns out everyone's been upset with how i answer questions this whole time... idk what to say. the person who asked that question about my ocs already responded back to me and said they read my response and respected it and we're fine. we didn't argue, they're not upset with me, and you're here inserting yourself into our interactions as if they're upset with me when they aren't. you might be upset with the way i responded to people's ask, but they haven't been... or they haven't told me as such.

if it turns out everyone's been annoyed with how i answer asks this whole time... i don't know what to say to that. i ramble. i struggle to talk to people and understand other people's tone and intentions. i try and address every possible meaning of the ask, and also am aware other people will read it and think about what responses the rest of my followers may have and try to address those in the ask too. if you wanted a short response that just addresses you then ask for me to answer the ask privately (which is not possible if you send it anonymous;y). but i'm happy to answer an ask privately if asked when possible, but unless asked the default is it'll be posted publicly.

i've just been trying to address every possible meaning of the ask and every possible question other may have when reading since it's a public post, not a dm or private ask... my intention has never been to upset anyone for asking a question, i don't want people to feel scared of me or my askbox... i'm really sorry if my responses have ever upset anyone, if i sound rude i promise i'm not trying to be, i try to use tone tags to help others understand me, if i hated your question or found it offensive i wouldn't answer it, i'd delete it or block you, so if i answered it i don't consider it a bad or hateful question.. i don't really know where to go from here

/gen