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zankivich · 5 years

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Neighbors: Shawn x Plus Size Reader Chapter 12

a/n: hi friends. I really liked writing this chapter. Idk I wanted to explore some themes that aren’t sunshines and rainbows. But I also wanted to explore what communication looks like and what a healthy relationship can look like. I’m trying to figure out what this relationship would genuinely look like through long distance. How do you make it work? How do you create a healthy dynamic with your partner?

Warnings: smut, little angsty with some fighting.

*Shawn’s point of view*

The first time they get in a fight post actually being in a relationship is pretty terrible. It’s the worst because they’re not physically together. Instead they’re thousands of miles away from each other. At least after the fact. After the grammys, he goes home for a few more weeks before it’s time to start preparing for tour. And in that time they’re fine. They go out with their friends. They watch netflix when she comes home from work. They go to art museums and taking really sappy selfies in front of the artwork. They make love constantly. Usually the second she walks into the door. And it’s the best it’s ever been. It’s the best they’ve ever been. So good in fact that it never occurs to him that anything could go wrong. What could possibly go wrong?

They’re in the bedroom going through his closet as he packs again, only this time he’s feeling a little giddy because they’re packing to leave together. They’re supposed to be leaving together.

“I got you something.” He murmured moving to the section of his closet that he’d kept it hidden in.

“Shawn, you have got to stop buying me things.” She whined. “I’m gonna run out of places to put them.”

He rolled his eyes. “You’re so incredibly dramatic. I barely buy you anything, and you know it. If every time I wanted to get you something and you didn’t turn down my undying, unwavering love for you, maybe then we could talk.”

“Yes, I’m the dramatic one in this relationship. As long as we’re on the same page.”

Despite the fact that his girlfriend was mean to him, he still brought out her present. It was a suitcase. A tommy hilfiger suitcase to be more specific. It was sleek and pretty, and he was buying one for himself anyway, so why not get matching ones? He even stuck a bow on it, like a good ass boyfriend should. So, when he rolled it out in front of her and did a sort of ta-da moment, only for her face to fall, excuse him for being a little taken aback.

He peered down at his gift.

“It uh--it’s for our trip. I thought that it might be cute for us to have matching suitcases.” He sighed. “Maybe not?”

“No. It uh--it’s really sweet, baby; thank you.”

“But?”

She winced. “But uh...I’m not coming with you to London.”

“What?”

She scooted along to the edge of the bed reaching out for his hands, but he kept them perched on his hips.

“I just… I’ve been thinking about it, and I think it might be good for us, if I stay here.”

“What does that mean? Why would being away from each other be good for us?” He asked. “And when exactly were you gonna tell me you weren’t coming, y/n?”

“Well, we’ve been more or less together every single day since we became friends, Shawn. When you’re not at work we’re either in my apartment, or yours, or at one of our favorite restaurants. Or watching movies.”

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize you were suffering in silence this whole time. I kind of thought my girlfriend might want to hang out with me. My mistake.”

She sighed. “You’re getting defensive. Can you just try to listen to me for a second, please?”

“To be fair, you’re telling me you don’t want to be around me anymore. This is literally coming out of nowhere, y/n.”

“Look, fucking relax for a minute. I’m not saying I don’t want to be around you. I am saying I just need to take a step back for a second. I need to refocus myself. It’s got nothing to do with you.”

He could feel his face heating up, and he really didn’t have any idea how he was going to calm down. In all of the time they’d been at home she had never said anything. And it wasn’t like he was refusing to leave her apartment. She would always come home from work and knock on his door. She called him during lunch to complain about someone who sucked at her job. She loved cuddling for hours on end in bed and talking about the most random shit. It wasn’t just that he was angry, which quite frankly that was certainly part of it. It was that if he could go weeks and weeks on end thinking that they were okay, that they were better than okay, while she was feeling something completely different? What the hell did that say about him?

He took a deep breath his hands twitching anxiously at his sides. He hadn’t felt so far away from her in such a long time.

“S--so what is it then? Is it a break? Are we taking a break?”

“No! No, that is not what I’m saying, Shawn. Jesus.” She paused and took another deep breath. “I’m saying that I’m gonna be in Toronto. You’re gonna be in London. We’re still together. We’re still everything that we’ve been this whole entire time. I’m just not going to London with you. This is an opportunity for you to go do rehearsals, to be with your friends, to have a good time. This is not a death sentence.”

“What else could it possibly be? I’m gonna be away for the majority of the fucking year and now you pull this? Now all of a sudden, you want space? I’ve done this before, y/n. I’m not stupid. I know what this is!”

They’ve both got pretty out there personality types. His was a little more reserved, but once he got there in terms of emotion, he was usually there for a minute. And she fed off the energy of those around her. So, when he raises his voice it’s like an instant response from her. And all of a sudden they’re having this blow up argument that neither of them saw coming.

“What the fuck are you even talking about right now?! You’re not being rational, Shawn! This is absolutely ridiculous. It’s like I’m speaking to a crazy person!”

“I’m not fucking crazy! This is about the grammys isn’t it? And the carpet and the photos. And how you looked. You can’t handle it, and now you’re scared, and now you’re just trying to let me down easy! I’m not some soft baby. I’m a grown ass man, and you can be honest with me!”

“What the hell do you mean, ‘how I looked’? What was wrong with how I looked?”

“I don’t know y/n, what the hell was wrong with how you looked?! I mean you’re so confident no one can touch you one second, and the next you're staring at Miley on the carpet like a lost puppy just because of her physical appearance. I am doing everything that I can to make things easier for you, but there’s only so much that I can do.”

There’s a moment in every argument where the entire tone shifts. Where it’s no longer just throwing loud words at one another. A point of no return, where you’ve been hurt and so you lash out, and you say the wrong thing. It’s that point where you’re no longer yelling to make yourself feel better, you’re yelling to hurt that person. Even if you don’t recognize it in that moment. And the second that she pauses, her eyes widening in shock, he knows that this thing just got worse. That they’re not gonna fix this tonight.

“You’ve got a hell of a lot of nerve.” She hissed immediately climbing out of his bed. “I don’t know who the fuck you think you are, but I don’t do relationships with people who don’t respect me. It is not my fault you’re so fucking insecure about how everyone views you and what everyone thinks about you. Not everything is layered in double meaning. I just wanted to stay the fuck home. Which is where I’ll be going tonight, because I can actually not even stand to look at you right now.”

“Wait. Wait--fuck! Don’t leave.”

“No! Go fuck yourself.”

She shoves past him and slams his bedroom door shut. A few moments later he can hear the door to his apartment give a similar slam. Just like that he’s alone with this ugly thing inside of him. It’s anger and fear and hurt and sadness. And the one person in the world who had consistently been around to fix it is suddenly gone. Just like that.

***

He woke up the next day in a terrible mood. His back hurt. He’d grown so use to wrapping his body around the softness that was his girlfriend, that a night apart was hell on his sleep cycle. The wake up call from Andrew telling him to get his ass to the airport, surely didn’t help things. He rushed to pull all of his clothes together into a new bag, because his tommy hilfiger suitcase no longer had the same feel. On his way out of the door, he peered over at her door. Since she wasn’t going anymore this was usually time she went to work. He couldn’t forget the hurt in her eyes when he’d said what he said last night. And he’d never forgive himself if he left without apologizing.

He knocked gently, biting his lip anxiously as he waited for her. It only took maybe forty-five seconds for him to figure out that she knew he was on the other side, and that she had zero intentions of answering.

“Babe,” He sighed knocking again. “y/n, please open the door.”

Silence.

“I...I know I fucked up, okay? I know that I hurt you. And I’m so sorry. I--I never meant to disrespect you. I just was hurt and I lashed out, and I just--fuck. Fuck, baby please open the door.”

He stays outside her door much longer than he has time for. He calls her and can hear her press ignore on his phone call, before turning her phone off all together. It’s not until the driver who was taking him to the airport called to tell him he had to leave, or he’d miss his flight, that he can find the will to move away from the door. Leaving is the hardest thing he’s ever done. And knowing that he couldn’t take it back, wasn’t gonna be able to fix it left him with his heart sad and hurting on his sleeve.

Brian’s in the car already waiting on him, and he’s got nothing to offer his best friend except for a shitty mood and a complete inability to hold a conversation as he tries desperately to text his girlfriend. It’s an absolute shit show. Go tour.

***

People quickly start to notice that he’s not happy. He’s not sure what gives it away, because he’s been trying like to hell to keep a smile on his face, but if the worried glances of Andrew, Cez, and Brian simultaneously hovering over him as he sits by himself between rehearsals are anything to go off of, clearly he’s doing it wrong. But, he was a little preoccupied trying to craft another text message to his girlfriend who seemed to hate his guts.

Meanwhile huddled in the corner, his team was trying to figure out what the hell to do with him.

“Brian, you flew with him here, what the hell’s been going on?” Andrew asked peering over as he moped quite pathetically.

“At first I thought it was because he just hadn’t slept much the night before, but then y/n wasn’t there to go to the airport with us, so I’m assuming it has something to do with that.” Brian explained.

“Shawn’s never this down for this long though.” Cez interrupted. “You really think he’s this broken up over her not being here?”

“Who the hell knows anymore?” Andrew sighed. “Sometime’s the kid is ready to bite my head off if I suggest they take different cars to and from the hotel. He’s protective as all get out over her.”

Brian snorted. “We went to a bar in Toronto a couple weeks ago, and they literally sat in the booth sharing a pitcher of long island with two straws and then making out until they ditched us to go hook up in a bathroom I think. Dude’s completely head over heels. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“Tell us about it.” The rest of them said in unison.

“Does anyone know why y/n didn’t end up coming?” Andrew asked.

When even Brian shrugged, he figured it was time for his tour dad persona to make a re--appearance because apparently Shawn wasn’t talking to anyone about what was going on in his head.

He waited until their meeting that they had two times a day: one to go over everything for the day, and another to talk about the rest of the week/tomorrow. It’s always the only time where it’s just him and Shawn and it seems like the best way to go about things. When they sit down and Shawn’s leg is bouncing, and he keeps eyeing his phone on the table, and crossing and uncrossing his arms, Andrew couldn’t help but wonder if his client had ever been subtle a day in his life.

“Hey, so I figured we could skip the usual meeting and do something a little different today.”

Shawn shrugged. “Yea? How come?”

“I don’t know. I guess I thought there might be something you wanted to talk about, get off your chest maybe?”

“Oh Andrew, no. Please, don’t do the tour dad bit!” He immediately groaned. “I’m not sixteen anymore.”

“I know you’re not, bud. I do. It doesn’t mean you have to handle the entire world on your shoulders without ever asking for help, though.”

“I know that. I--I always reach out when I need it, don’t I?” He mumbled picking at nothing on his jeans.

“Usually you do. But, we’ve been in london for about a week now. I don’t like to pry at all, but you had me arrange for housing accomodations separate from the rest of us only to show up here and room with Brian in his hotel room. I also can’t help but notice that y/n isn’t here. And that except for when we’re running rehearsals or meeting fans, you’re not really here either. From the looks of it you’re not talking to anyone about it. So, yea, I’m a little concerned. I think we all are. But, it’s only because we care about you.”

Shawn seems to sink even lower into the couch, his shoulders slumping in on themselves. He wipes a hand over his mouth and then went to playing with his helix piercing with one hand while the other tangled up in his swallow necklace. Finding something physically to touch, always made him feel a little less anxious.

“Fine. We had a fight.” He sniffed. “Our first fight, actually.”

“Okay. That’s rough. What happened?”

He immediately groaned and covered his face with his hands.

“I’m a piece of shit, that’s what happened.”

“Do you wanna unpack that a little more for me?”

“It’s just like male fragile fucking ego right? Like I’m so insecure in myself and I don’t want to be alone, and you telling me that you don’t want to be with me in this moment, must mean that you don’t want to be with me at all. And I’m freaking out right? Because maybe it never made sense for you to want me in the first place.”

He’d been thinking about it a lot obviously.

“She just...she didn’t want to come to London with me.” He sighed completely deflated and defeated. “She said we’ve been spending all of our time together...and we have but I--I don’t want anything else when I’m with her. There was one day we were lying in bed all day. Like we genuinely never got out of bed except to like pee or grab snacks so that we could get back into the bed. I missed the gym for the first time in four months. But, it was the happiest I’d been in so long. And then you and I keep having these fights about me being too into her and not being focused...and then she tells me twelve hours before the flight that we need space apart, because we’ve spent every second together but like, I’m gonna be gone for the year. And I can’t help but be so fucking terrified that she’s not gonna want me anymore. That it won’t be worth it. That I’m not worth it.”

“Hey. Hey, you know that’s not true.”

He chuckled sadly. “I couldn’t convince my girlfriend to come to london for free and spend time with me, Andrew. She’d rather be at work.”

He’s sitting there so clearly hurting and running over the situation again and again in his head. Andrew hadn’t seen him like this over a woman maybe ever, and his willingness to find fault in himself was as startling as it was concerning.

“I really don’t think that’s it. I’m sure that it feels that way, and I get why it’s hard for you, I mean none of this is exactly the usual way of going about things. And maybe it’s your normal, and maybe you know exactly what things should be like, but just because it’s your normal doesn’t mean it’s her’s yet ya know? Did you ever actually sit down and talk to her about how she felt about your being away for so long?”

He shook his head softly. “N--No. Not exactly.”

“And we’ve talked about it before, she likes to internalize things right?”

“Yea. She does.”

“So maybe this is her way of doing that. Instead of talking to you about how much she misses you, she’s isolating herself instead cause it’s what she knows. I’m not sure what was said during your fight obviously, but I think it might do you both a little good to try and see things from the other’s perspective.”

So. Great. Andrew’s a genius, and he’s the dumbest fucker alive. There’s a shock.

“Fuck….Well she’s not answering my phone calls, texts, emails, instagram dms, or facetime requests. So, that’s gonna be a bit of a stretch there, but your suggestion sounds wonderful.”

They sat in silence for a minute, Shawn still glum and upset while Andrew stared on in empathy.

“Do you wanna fly back to her?”

Shawn’s head shot up at that. “Excuse me?”

“I know you think I’m out to get you and ruin all your fun sometimes, but I do actually care about your happiness and wellbeing. We’ve got just under a month to prepare. If you don’t mind taking the hit then neither do I. I’d rather have you at home and come back happy then sit here and be miserable.”

“A--Are you sure? Andrew, my whole job is to be here right now. To get ready for this live show.”

“Yes. But if this is what you need to do in order to do that then tell me, and I’ll the book the flight myself.”

It’s a total catch twenty-two. He wanted to apologize, needed to make things better between the two of them. But, she wasn’t answering his messages. And if he flew back maybe it would be helpful, but what if it wasn’t? What if it made her hate him even more because he hadn’t done the one fucking thing she asked of him--to stay away? And on the other end, if he didn’t go back, if he didn’t make things right, would the damage to their relationship be fixable thousands of miles apart?

“I just need a day. A day to check in, and talk to her and I’ll come right back I swear. This isn’t gonna be like this forever, Andrew, I promise.” He sighed.

“It’s fine. Let’s just get you the flight picked out as soon as we can okay?”

“Okay. Okay, thank you.”

“No problem. It’s what I’m here for.”

***

*y/n’s point of view*

You were standing at your desk, shoes off, hair pulled down, and a headache the size of vancouver. You hadn’t been sleeping well. You hadn’t been working well. There was tension swelling up in your shoulders and neck, which tended to happen when you felt like you were suffocating under the weight of the world. And that’s exactly how you felt.

Not returning Shawn’s calls was incredibly difficult. You missed the sound of his voice, and the feel of his hands on your hips, and the tickle of his hair on your neck. But, everytime the phone rang and you even thought about responding, you heard the words he said to you that night play back into your head. He had made you feel like a burden, had taken your genuine concerns and fears and held them completely against you. And so had you, you weren’t immature enough to think that you hadn’t. You knew you both were hurting. You just...felt a little more stubborn at first. And then as the first week of being a part was coming to an end, and the red hot anger had begun to cool, you didn’t know how to end the fight. It was your first one ever afterall.

You were standing there so wrapped up in your own thoughts that you didn’t even notice when you started searching for plane tickets, until you found one that left at eleven o'clock that night. You peered up at the clock on your wall to see that it was already a little after seven. Your boss would kill you if she found out…

“Hey, are you still fucking sitting at work?” Stu’s loud ass voice entered the room, as his face came up on the screen of your phone. “Sis, we have got to find you some better coping mechanisms.”

“Thank you Oprah, now can we get back to why I actually called you, or would you like to comment on the bags under my eyes too?”

He sighed. “Well I do have a cream for that, but please continue.”

“I need you to talk me out of buying a plane ticket tonight.”

“A plane ticket? Where to?”

You bit your lip anxiously. “To London?”

“To London?! You mean to see Shawn and stop being a little whiny, stressed out asshole. You called me, your best friend, to talk you out of the healthiest decision I’ve heard from you in weeks? I think not!”

You simply needed to get better friends.

“Shit.” You groaned mouse rolling over the button that would secure the purchase. “What if he doesn’t want to see me? We had a really bad fight Stu.”

“That man has been calling you twenty times a day. He emailed me for Christ’s sake. All he wants is to see you. Go to him please?”

“But--But what about work? I’m overseen by Gina now, if she found out I flew to London in the middle of the week?”

“She’d probably pay for the flight herself if she saw how stressed out you’ve been.” Stu snorted. “Look it’s Wednesday. We’ve already had our cross-collaboration meeting for the week. You’re allowed to take off Fridays as it. What’s one more day, if it means you come back happier?”

Perhaps that’s why you called all along. Stu had a way of clearing your mind. He was persuasive as fuck, and it usually got you into trouble, but you couldn’t help but trust him with your life.

“Fuck. Okay I’m gonna do it.”

“THANK GOD! Go get your mans!”

It’s complete and utter mayhem after that point. There’s the running home to shove things into a suitcase. You couldn’t even plan your outfits around what you might do as was usually your go to, because there was always the option that your boyfriend was gonna kick you out onto the streets. You did sneak into his apartment with the key he’d given you for when he wasn’t home to find your gift still sitting sadly at the foot of his bed. It seemed like a nice enough peace offering on your behalf. You were just hopeful that he wouldn’t hate you.

***

The place that Shawn had the both of you stay was maybe the cutest place in the world. It was a tiny cottage nestled away from the chaos of the city. You knew it was a thirty minute drive from the hotel where the rest of the crew was staying, and that that had been purposeful. When you went to check-in you were slightly nervous that it would be under Shawn’s name, and that they would think you were just a crazed fan. But, sure enough Andrew had listed you on the reservation. He really did think of everything.

Inside the cottage, everything was completely untouched. It was all hardwood and soft everything else with blankets and pillows galore. There was a fireplace and a breakfast nook, and a kitchen that you never would have had time to use. It looked like a little oasis. Like maybe you could have forgotten about everything here together. You imagined Shawn planning everything to a tea. He would’ve wanted to take you sightseeing, would’ve insisted on the two of you driving to the cottage separate from everyone else so that it felt like going home. He always thought of things like that. He always wanted you to be happy over everything else, and you guess you had kind of trampled all over that and spat it into his hand.

It only takes two walkthroughs of the cottage for you to figure out that Shawn hadn’t slept here at all. His toiletries were missing from the bathroom. His humidifier wasn’t by the bed. You couldn’t even smell him in the sheets. You plopped down gently on the bed and pulled your phone out to three new missed calls from Shawn. You’d wanted it to be a surprise but you figured now was as good as any. If he was at another hotel, you’d have to talk to him to find out anyway.

“Hello?” You murmured gently into the phone as he picked up on the first ring.

“Y/n? H--Hi! Hi. Uh...wow I’m sorry, I didn’t think you were gonna pick up.”

“Yea. Sorry for ghosting, I just...I don’t know actually. I don’t know.”

He swallowed. “It’s okay.”

“Not really though.”

“Listen, are you still at work right now?”

“No. I’m not.”

Shawn sighed. “Okay well uh... where are you?”

“I’m sitting on a bed in the cottage that you got us. I guess I kinda thought you might be here, but maybe rehearsals are still going on?”

“Excuse me?”

You winced. “I came to London. To like apologize, and to try and fix things.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake.”

You close your eyes ready for him to start laying in on you for being the worst girlfriend ever. And then he starts to laugh. And you’re not sure whether to be offended or scared.

“What the hell is so funny?” You muttered.

“You’re not gonna believe this but I’m in Canada. In front of your apartment door to be more precise.”

“What?!”

“Yea. Andrew gave me the greenlight to fly home and try and fix things. Apparently I’ve been a bit of a dick lately.”

You collapsed back on the bed and brought your arm up to cover your face.

“We are genuinely idiots.”

“Little bit.” He chuckled. “But uh--this is the first time I’ve talked to you in a week and I have to say I really missed the sound of your voice.”

“Yea. I really missed yours too.” You whispered. “Shawn, I’m s--”

“No, stop. Don’t say anything until we’re together. I’m gonna get on the first flight back, and I’ll come to you okay? Let’s just, let’s save it all for in person.”

You smiled a little bit. “Okay. I guess I can do that.”

“I love you more than anything okay? And I’ll see you soon.”

“I love you too.”

You hung up the phone before peering aimlessly around the room. What the hell was a girl to do for her first time in a different country without anyone to show her around?

***

*Third point of view*

Shawn felt way too large in the tiny cottage. His shoulders barely cleared the door and then he tripped into the dark room, his luggage and feet getting twisted together. What a shit show. Two back to back flights with 5 hours of time difference between the two places was more than hell on his body but what was he to do when his girlfriend needed him?

The fireplace was lit and his girlfriend was wrapped up cozily in a blanket, dead asleep in her chair. He thought that she might love a place like this, but he couldn’t have imagined just how right she might look nestled softly into this image before him. She was perfect.

He reached gently for her as a means to not startle her, his heart swelling dramatically when her nose scrunched as she yawned and stretched herself awake.

“Shawn?” She mumbled sleepily. “You’re here?”

He dropped to his knees in front of her, hands moving everywhere to touch her.

“I’m here, baby. I’m right here.”

She runs her fingers through his hair having missed the touch of him. He practically purrs beneath her. They really sucked at being apart. And being mad at each other while they were apart? They were downright awful at that one.

He hugs her waist from where’s she sitting and she bends over to grab at as much at him as she can. They both are emotional and tired and so a few tears at this point is nothing because suddenly their other half is there to wipe them away. It’s the most healing thing in the world to both of them.

“Are you tired? We can talk in the morning.” She murmured rubbing soothingly at his cheeks as the final tears dried away.

He shook his head. “I’ve been thinking about this moment all week. I wanna talk now, if that’s okay with you?”

“Sure.” She breathed.

Shawn tugged at y/n’s hands bringing them both to the dining room table. In some ways it’s good that they have the cottage. It acts as a neutral space for the both of them, the memories of Shawn’s bedroom a couple thousand miles away impossible to taint the moment. They sit at the table facing each other and immediately link fingers. It’s their first fight, but even a first fight comes with a first makeup, a first chance to learn and grow from the hurt.

“I’d like to start, if that’s okay?” He asked waiting for her to give the okay before he continued speaking. “I know that I overreacted. It didn’t feel that way at the time. It felt like...it felt like every fear I’ve ever had about our relationships coming true right in front of me. And those weeks together before that were so indescribably perfect that I just never saw it coming. You never gave me any sort of indication that you were unhappy, or that you needed space. I’m not going to pretend like I would’ve taken it any better. I mean I--I don’t know, honestly, but I think it would have helped a lot.”

“Yea, I . . . I was trying not to hurt you. Which, sounds ridiculous given the fight we ended up having but...I should have told you. I should have told you the second I knew. The thing is, I wanted to come, Shawn; I did. I just, after the grammys, and after the hanging out with your friends, and going on dates every day of the week, and the sex four times a day I got...lonely?”

“Lonely?”

She sighed and tugged frustratingly at her hair as she tried to reorganize her thoughts. It looked like it hurt, so he reached for her hands again to let her steady them on his.

“Hey, it’s okay. I just want to understand. Help me understand.”

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, before letting her lips move.

“It’s like, I was going to bed every night in your arms, but I couldn’t help but remember that for the rest of the year we weren’t gonna be together. And my body couldn’t register anything else. It felt like my soul was clinging to you or something--I’m sorry that sounds so sappy. I mean that my body just wanted to be with you but it knew that you were gonna leave. And the buildup of that was killing me. It hurt. It hurt worse than anything. And I just thought that the only way I was gonna be able to live through it was to get ahead of the pain. It was selfish. I know that but, I didn’t know what else to do.”

“Talk to me. You can always talk to me, and we can work through this shit together. You’re not in this alone. I’m right there with you. And the thought of being without you is absolutely terrifying. It kills me. There’s no one else in the world I can talk to about that, but you. You have to trust me.”

“I do. I do trust you. I promise that’s not what it was about. I didn’t want you wasting any time worrying about me. It--it’s not like it was gonna fix anything. This is where we’re at Shawn.”

“It doesn’t have to be so pessimistic. This is my fault, I should have taken more time to talk to you about it. I should have...I should have done more. I’m sorry.”

“What more could you have possibly done?” She chuckled dryly.

“We can sit down and schedule out the whole year. When you’re gonna visit. When my breaks are, and when I can come home to you. We can pencil in face time dates. It’s not gonna be the same. I know that but...it doesn’t have to be all or nothing, right? We can make it work if we’re both willing. Are you--are you willing?”

She squeezed down on his fingers making him feel more deeply rooted to the ground. His heart was hammering beneath his sternum. And she knew it was his greatest fear, so she did everything in her power to reassure him.

“Yes. I promise I am. I don’t want to be without you, so I’ll take anything I can get.”

He frowned at that knowing that all he wanted was to give her the world. The thought of her settling made his chest feel tight. But, they were just finally getting over their argument, so he lets it settle deep in the back of his mind for now.

“I need to apologize for the rest of what I said that night.” He mumbled.

She shook her head. “It’s fine.”

“It’s so far from fine, it’s not even funny y/n. Don’t ever try and give me an out like that. You were right. I--I disrespected you, and the bare minimum you deserve is an apology.”

She nods softly at the fire in his eyes and holds tighter onto his hand as he attempts to explain.

“It...It’s hard to find security in something when I don’t have control over it. When I’m away from home for so long and I can’t lie with you when you’re having a bad day, or rub your back when you’re cramping, it makes me feel unworthy of calling you mine. And that--that’s on me. That’s my own shit, and that doesn’t mean I get to lash out and say hurtful things to you. You deserve so much more than that. I’m deeply and truly sorry that I hurt you. I love you so much, and I’m never going to do that to you again. Okay? I swear to you.”

“Okay. Okay, I forgive you.” She whispers. “As long as you forgive me. I should never use your anxiety or your mental health against you. That’s totally fucking uncalled for. I’ll never do it again.”

“I forgive you.” He whispered affectionately back. “I love you, so much. Can I kiss you now?”

“Yes. Of course you can.”

He knows that there's not an ounce of anger left in his body when she kisses him, because surely anger couldn’t feel this soft. He loves her and he loves the feel of her arms on his shoulders and the hum of her vocal chords when he sucks her bottom lip into his mouth. But even if the anger has melted, there’s still a bit of a struggle there for him, a struggle to be understood and to be heard. And he didn’t want to leave this moment without it.

“I just...I’m scared okay?” He admits softly as she holds him close. “I know I’ve never said it before but, you terrify me.”

She frowns softly at him fingers twirling aimlessly in his curls.

“In what way?”

“In all of them.” he chuckled before peering seriously into her eyes. “I’ve never been in love like this before. I’ve never felt so out of control of my feelings and my emotions before. I’m afraid that one day someone’s gonna say the wrong thing. We’ll be out in public and they’ll say something to upset us, or an interviewer will ask a question they shouldn’t on air, or someone might get you in trouble at work. And I’m afraid that one day you’re gonna look around and ask yourself what the hell do you get out of us. I just feel like I love you more than anything and I guess it just hurts that I come with all this baggage. I can’t help but think one day it might not be enough to keep you with me.”

Her eyebrows knitted together and she stared at him with those big ole eyes like she could see all of him, like she was the only one who saw all of him.

“How come you’ve never told me that before?”

“I think I might have been afraid to speak into existence. So, I figured if I just did everything in my being to make things perfect, you might forget that I’m a singer with about forty five million people worth of baggage, if my instagram is anything to go off of.”

She giggled and his heart squeezed delicately in his chest.

“I don’t think I could quite manage to forget that.” She murmured. “Shawn, you can’t try and do it all on your own. You can’t try to hide them from me as much as it might seem nice at first. It’s unsustainable, and you already work too hard to add the impossible to your plate. I knew what I was getting myself into. It’s hard. We both know that but...I love you. And I love you enough for it to be hard. Let that be enough.”

“I’m trying.” He whispered softly. “You’re more than enough. You’re more than I could have ever asked for you, you know that?”

“I love you.” She murmured and kissed his forehead.

“I love you too.”

Making up is a very emotionally draining thing, especially when one is mature enough to admit their own wrong doings in the situation. So, after a lot of kissing and hugging, they each make their way to bed. Y/n reached for Shawn immediately pulling his body on top of hers until they were intrinsically intertwined together. Shawn pressed his face against her neck kissing and humming nibbling at the skin. They don’t speak much, just enjoy each other’s company. And for the night, that’s all that matters.

*y/n’s point of view*

Your phone going off is what wakes you up. You were nestled into Shawn’s arms and the thought of leaving that warmth was incredibly offensive. You reached hazardly for the phone only to see that it was Stu. This meant that either someone was dying or he was about to completely waste your time. There was no inbetween with him.

“How dare you not tell me!” Stu screamed.

Completely waste your time it was.

Shawn began to stir and whined softly at the prospect of you not being fully in his arms. He quickly readjusted his weight to be more firmly pressed against you, and then kissed stubbornly at your jaw.

“Babe, come back to bed.”

“Shh.” You murmured as the two men in your life nagged you. “What in the hell are you talking about?”

“I am looking at your boyfriend giving me ‘come suck me off eyes’ and I have never been so offended in my whole gay ass life!

Your mind immediately went to the worse thinking that somehow a nude or something had leaked, and so you sat straight up in bed, Shawn flailing helplessly to the side.

“What the fuck? What is it?!”

“Woops. I can see now that you truly have no idea what I’m talking about in which case this may be a little disconcerting. Your boyfriend is the new face of calvin klein and baby is serving more than face! He is serving ‘bend me over in the middle of the grocery story’ . Which leads me to my next question, how have we never talked about his dick before? Brian and I have questions.”

“What in the absolute hell is going on?” Shawn groaned now fully up and awake.

You rolled your eyes. “It sounds like you may have done an underwear ad and neglected to tell your GIRLFRIEND. And now my very gay best friend is calling me at the crack ass of dawn in toronto to complain about me not telling him.”

“Shit. Did that go out today?”

“Are you two about to start fighting again? We hate it when mom and dad fight.”

“Goodbye Stu! I will talk to you later.”

You tossed your phone off to the side peering over at your groggy boyfriend with messy curls and red patchy cheeks to match. His cuteness almost made you forget about how annoyed you were at the prospect of him forgetting to mention such incredibly important information. Almost.

He smiled dopely. “Sorry?”

“We’re in a fight again.”

“No! No more fighting please.” He whined quickly tackling you down to the sheets.

You squealed and giggled as he placed playful kisses over any part of your skin he could find.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mention it. I was a little nervous about it. I will show you every picture if you want. It’s just me in my underwear, which to be fair you can see that anytime you want.”

You hummed softly wrapping your legs tightly around his hips.

“Anytime?” You murmured. “You saying you’d model for me if I asked?”

“No, that was not at all what I was saying! You don’t want me to model for you. I’d be horrible.”

“I think you would do just fine. I think you’re sexy and beautiful and wonderful, and I can’t imagine a reason why you shouldn’t project that out into the world.”

He brought his head out of the crook of your neck and peered down at you with wide and honest eyes. His thumb caressed gently at your cheek and it kind of made you melt.

“The wild thing is when you say shit like that I really believe it.” He mumbled. “You’re sort of perfect, you know that?”

“Yes. Yes I do. You’re perfect too.” You reminded him softly.

He captured your lips quickly in a kiss that had your whole body thrumming beneath him. His fingers pulled at the hair tie of your bun, quickly getting lost in the strands. You had no idea what time it was, where Shawn needed to be or when, and it suddenly didn’t seem to matter. You needed this moment, needed to feel each other a new after all the bullshit of the last week.

“Haven’t felt you in so long.” Shawn whispered letting his hands map your body so intimately it brought goosebumps to your skin. “Need to touch you. Need to taste you. Please?”

“Y--Yes. God, yes.”

He shoves the blankets away leaving you exposed as he tugs at your t-shirt and bra until your body is laid out for his eyes to feed on. And it’s kind of wild how he can make you feel worshipped and like his own personal prey all at once. Because his eyes are so loving, so giving in the way that he kisses at the bulge of skin where your hip and stomach meet because your tummy isn’t flat. But there’s a heat there too when he takes a nipple into his mouth, teeth sharp and purposeful in the way they make your back arch. It doesn’t matter to you either way. You’d give yourself to him endlessly. And he seems willing to take you up on the offer.

When he tugs at your underwear and sits back on his knees with a cocky ass smirk on his lips, the confidence coming off this man in waves you are struck with a realization. A very important one.

“Wait, I need to suck your dick.”

His eyes widened, persona faltering slightly.

“Huh?”

“You’re so hot right now I really need to have your dick in my mouth.”

“Shit. Well I kind of had my heart set on eating you out.”

He grabbed at the meat of your thigh to drive his point home. This only solidified your dick sucking need though.

“Well I guess we’re gonna have to sixty-nine it, then.”

“Fine, but only if you’re on top. Kinda want your ass on my face anyway.”

It was your turn for your eyes to widen. How dare he just say some wild ass shit like that.

When in London try out new sex positions, or something like that.

Shawn rid of himself of his boxers and quickly tugged at your hips until you were straddling his body from the opposite direction. His fingers melded to the curve of your ass and something happened that truly neither of you could have expected. Shawn, in all of his fascination with your ass all of a sudden let his hand come down with some movement against you. It wasn’t a slap, but it was enough to jolt your body entirely. Who would’ve thought you’d like your ass slapped? Certainly not you.

“Wait, could you...could you do that again?” You murmured peering down at him between your legs.

“Do what?”

You bit your lip. “Smack my ass.”

“Oh... Yea.” He raises his hand and comes down more firmly on your right cheek with that palm of his that’s too big for its own good. “Like that?”

Your back arches involuntarily and you slid down further on the bed, ass poised in the air as a moan passes your lips.

“Fuck, baby.” He whined. “You look so good right now.”

Your thighs squeezed together and he moved to push at your knees with his elbow, spreading you all the more for him.

“Need you on my face.” He whispered. “Give it to me.”

And then he pulled you right where he needed you to go to lick into you fully and deeply. It is by far the most intoxicating thing you’ve ever felt. They don’t tell you how difficult it is to focus on sucking a dick when your boyfriend’s eating your pussy like it’s the last coke in the desert. Porn really could have prepared you better for life in a host of different ways.

Eventually when you get used to your heart pounding you reach between his legs to guide his hard on between your lips. It’s takes a second to get used to angle, but once you find your rhythm it’s kind of magical. His thighs tense and his hips buck up as you let the flat of your tongue coat him perfectly. Your fingers wrap delicately around the shaft as your mouth focuses exclusively on the head, lips tight and wet with every pull.

“Fuck!” Shawn whined collapsing back against the sheets. “You have no idea how good that feels.”

His hand comes down on you again, but you can tell he’s in a sex fueled haze, because it’s much sharper than normal Shawn would’ve ever allowed himself to give. It drives you absolutely wild. You moan and then he moans and you’re both just a mess of sweaty limbs and near orgasms. He slips two fingers into you and something about the angle has him pressing right where you could ever possibly need him. Your hips begin to pulse and rotate and you have to pull off of his dick because the sounds coming out of your mouth are unruly.

“Fuck! Oh my god!” You gasped. “Deeper. Deeper, please.”

He slaps your ass again and shifts his fingers against a spot inside of you that makes your eyes roll back in your head as your orgasm rips through your body. There’s a squelching sound as Shawn’s fingers plunge you into at the same time that you begin to squirt all over his chest. It’s so overwhelming that your vision cuts out and you collapse is a wet, sticky heap.

“Jesus Christ. Look at you.” He mumbled thumb still flicking at your overstimulated clit.

You wiggle out of his grasp, tired, and in desperate need to get your boyfriend off. Because equality.

You straddled his hips one hand directing his hard on inside of you while the other worked to get your hair out of your face.

“You’re amazing.” He huffed into the air as you rode him fast and dirty into the mattress. “So fucking amazing.”

His hands on your hips made you feel like you were on fire. It was so good. And maybe it was because of the fight, maybe it was just not seeing each other for so long, but whatever it was you were bringing each other somewhere completely new. A high that had yet to been reached for the two of you. It was magic. It was hot and sensual. It was...about to be interrupted.

You were leaning over his body hips slapping roughly against his when a knock rang out on the door. Shawn reached impulsively for your hips to keep you moving on top of him.

“Don’t stop. They’ll go away.”

They did not go away. They simply knocked again.

“Goddammit.” He huffed looking over towards the door. “We don’t need any towels! Thank you!”

His voice was raw and it was clearly up a higher octave than he usually spoke, so you couldn’t help but giggle as your hips moved.

“It’s Brian and Connor jackass! Andrew sent us to get you. You’re not answering your phone!”

“You have got to be kidding me.” You sighed.

“Go away! I’ll be there in an hour!”

“...Are you two banging in there?!”

“Brian I am going to kill you! Get out of here!”

“Shit, bro I think they’re actually banging.”

“Can we try and stay focused here?” You whined leaning your hand back on his thigh and giving a gentle rock of your hips.

He leaned up on his arm, the other coming to wrap gingerly around your waist.

“What you just wanna keep going?”

“I’ve had my orgasm already here, I’m simply wanting to reciprocate. It’s up to you.”

His eyes raked over your body once more before looking over hesitantly at the door. Then, before you could even realize what was happening, he was bucking upwards with his hips to get you to lie back on the bed. He immediately fell back between your thighs and settled on a rhythm that must be doing wonderful things for him if the sounds from his lips was anything to go off of.

“You feel so fucking good.” He grunted grinding against you in tight circles. “God I love you so much.”

“Show me.” You hummed teeth grazing his ear. “Show me how much.”

There’s a slight squeak in the bed as it rattles on its posts, and you can’t help but tighten your thighs around his hips in a desperate attempt to stave off this feeling he seems to be able to give you in abundance. His hands on your neck as his lips dominated your mouth. Those fucking hips that could create magic with every snap against the back of your thighs. How could he always make it feel so good? You thought you might never understand it.

“I’m gonna cum.” He whined biting down hard on your lips. “Fuck, I’m gonna cum.”

Your fingers turned to fists in his hair and you moved roughly at your hips to meet every one of his thrusts.

“Cum for me.” You whispered.

He thrust once, twice, three times, and then a fourth final lunge that had your bodies locking together in the most intimate way imaginable. When he filled you infinitely, his breath painting your sweaty neck, you fell in love all over again. He was everything in that moment. Everything.

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