#idk why death is scary
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I mean yeah dude no kidding she’s better when she eats, because that’s how humans work
Dude is in DENIAL and I am just so tired of it. I’m looking forward to talking to grandpa when he calls me so that I can get an update, because… sigh. I just want broad strokes. I mean yes a shitty update is an update but is it really better than no update? Idk.
Our energetic friend happened to call last night and since her mom also died of cancer and also had a brain tumor, it was especially meaningful to have her tell me for the umpteenth time that whatever decision I made re: seeing her is the right one. If someone who adored and cared for her mom in her final days says that… I mean, I KNOW it’s true, but coming from her I believe it.
Idk man. I want my mom to be at peace. I want her to die. She wouldn’t want to be like this.
#I bet she’s going to die while I’m in Nashville#I should text grandpa and see if she’s drinking anything because I think that’ll be a big clue#idk why death is scary#especially in situations like this#like. maybe I have a skewed view on it because I’ve been suicidal multiple times#but regardless of what your brand of spirituality believes happens it has to be better than this#death is an ending. it’s sad for the still-alive people! that’s reasonable!#but for a person who’s not going to get better and has no hope of going back to a fraction of their past self?#for someone who doesn’t respond and sleeps a lot and is already shutting down?#nah. death means you don’t have to struggle anymore#you don’t have to be changed by your partner and be embarrassed that your kids know you’re incontinent#you don’t have people talking down to you#you don’t have everything you talk about questioned or get asked questions like boy do you remember living up in Washington#you don’t have to have uncomfortable topics hidden from you or be talked about while you’re still in the room#you don’t have to have invasive questions asked about you#death—honestly—sounds like a relief after all this#and knowing how FIERCELY and OBNOXIOUSLY independent she was#and how she HATED asking for help#that alone… she would fucking hate this. she DID hate this when she was still able to do things on her own#but now? please just let her die.#like idk man this isn’t a family who believes that any of US are going to hell#everyone who’s religious believes everyone is going to heaven#and those of us who aren’t just want her to be able to have this end#like sorry mom I don’t know if you can be buried in the cemetery with your mom and the baby who died#but if you can’t be then I’ll have you cremated and figure out how to get your ashes spread up there#it’s the next best thing.#I hope you’re not hanging on just for me mom.
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13,11,2024
death note killer within experience 3
#idk why but i get so fucking freaked when im a kira follower. that shit scary as fuck idk how misa did it#death note: killer within#death note killer within#dn:kw#dnkw#death note#dn#abinaza#ポストｔｒｉａｎｇｌｅ
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Cw:Blood
D00d being a bad girl >:]
Normal did not get wined and dined he just got fucked, i want what if Normal died fics now. Link ate tho. Hermie dying is either a scam or something else but i refuse to belive he's gone, worst option is he goes to hell or another plane of existance, not dead as in gone from the podcast tho no way. Link is badass and Matt was on a roll this episode. Also my europeon gen Z ass was not getting most of those refrences if there were any, i do not care for abe lincolm (i mean i like know stuff cause its important and all i just dont get some refrences). Well Schmegen is dead, that was a baddass moment tho. Love me a body horror (thus dood being a bad girl drawing). Well i gotta get to bed now and process all that byeee!!!
#dndads#dungeons and daddies#my art#normal oak#link li wilson#hermie the unworthy#taylor swift dndads#dndads spoilers#scary marlowe#cw blood#idk why im so calm about hermies death#oh also made anothe
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sabito = dirtbike redneck. you cant convince me otherwise
#fratboy sabito posting#sabito#kny sabito#idk#was suddenly hit w the realization that i think him being a countryboy/redneck kinda crazy is *hot*#[head in hands knees on the floor folded in despair]#i know im southern but this wasnt supposed to happen. it wasnt supposed to be this way. what the fuck man.#sabito & giyuu keep makin me Into shit!! what the fuck!!#i wanna draw him doing wheelies and flips off dirt ramps. doughnuts. taking off his helmet n having dumb lil marks from it.#trying and failing to convince giyuu to drive a dirtbike & instead him getting on a 4wheeler#sab & makomo bullying him for being scared of dirtbikes but not the literal Twice As Big 4wheeler#idk. sabito just seems like a biker in general to me. dirtbikes just got the most 'will do bat shit insane stuff for funsies' vibe to em#all of them are a bit crazy but dirtbikes are Scary crazy. bmx bike tricks but it has a fucking MOTOR why are you doing 20ft leaps and flip#off cliffs what the fuck.#i can see sabito being a little deranged when he gets excited. normal when hes chill but as soon as he sees somethn fun all#sense goes out the window. he needs to be child harnessed to keep him from throwing himself off a wall like 'i could totally make that jump#on one hand giyuu gets life experiences and exposure to making new friends- on the other he has to stop sabito from being#the equivalent of a human lemming trying to throw itself into the hands of death at every waking moment#sabito in turn keeps giyuu from being too boring or being a scardy cat abt things. he also learns the art of 'quiet time' and 'how to Chill#honorable mention of my vague raspy voice sabito hc#kinda slight but v obvious when he raises his voice or yells#i think the sabito brainrot is actually overtaking the giyuu brainrot now. oh no#hes fictional²!! none of this shit [motions to my blog] is canon to him#thasa whole 'nother bitch!! i declare this brainrot Unfounded#wont stop me tho. 'm havin fun
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so i was checking the wiki for the mci kids and i came across a picture from one of the graphic novels and like.
this is actually the most terrifying image i've seen of any official art. the fact that they're all just. set up in the chairs, limp and lifeless? with the party hats?
this is a million times scarier and more morbid than the more bloody, body horror types of takes i'm used to from my steady consumption of michael content. the graphic novels still aren't my favorite but like, underrated image. this one's scary.
#i don't know the context either. like idk if there was a practical reason for william (assuming he set them up this way) to do this#or if he's just fucking weird#but THIS is scary in an interesting why. it's dark and morbid but it's not like#trying too hard?#it's genuinely unsettling in a way i don't have words for#and it is the best kind of horror imo#fnaf#william afton#fnaf missing children#fnaf missing kids#fnaf mci#child death tw#what do i even tag here#corpse tw#dead body tw#tw gore#cw gore#maybe?? kind of??#horror#*interesting way not interesting why lol
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ofmd !
the ofmd trailer has convinced me to finallyyy post this ed fanart thats been sitting in my twitter drafts for months.
we’re so back
#our flag means death#fanart#ofmd#edward teach#our flag means fanart#posting art is so scary to me idk why#but here you go maybe someone likes it#sh4rkzone art
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Trent Reznor on a cow's carcass because why not
#what a uni student orientation does to a mf#animal death#tw death#2023#sketch#nin#he is biting a bone yes#while drawing this is when i realized why people thought i was Satanist or something in middle school#trent reznor#tw scary#?#idk#he is sexy man#hello I'm new here on nin tumblr
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The more I think on how I am when I'm badly dissociated for a long period of time the more I start to realize that maybe what I experience isn't normal dissociation and idk how to feel abt that
#like hmmm maybe having hours to weeks at a time where whatever consciousness makes me me doesnt exist at all isnt normal#maybe having my brain and body run themselves as I fully disappear is weird. maybe seeing memories of those moments like movies instead of-#-my own experience is a sign of something. but also if its a sign of something that something could be used to prevent me from transitioning#so that something I think is best to not think abt until I've at least gotten top surgery.#but its also hard not to think abt bc like. it is uncomfortable. death and the potential following non-existence aren't scary#but the idea of not existing within my own body while I'm still alive is. because if I'm not there#A where the hell did I go. B what the fuck is living for me#feels like I get knocked out and possessed and then afterwards the ghost shows me a video of everything it did like??? cool one question WHY#like thanks for letting me nap for a bit while you live for me but can we try communicating about this instead of snapping me out of reality#its nice to avoid breaking down from stress and all but like. there's gotta be a better way to avoid it than this.#surely I have options other than spontaneous nonexistence and possession#idk. thats what it always feels like and like. I dont hate it but I dont like it either. its fine but its also very uncomfortable
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my toxic trait is that i don’t even think freddie’s death was that sad
#i mean yeah it was a bit and i understand why people say we didn’t really get clarity for his death/see what happened after#but like. the scene wasn’t that sad more like… scary? idk.#skins uk#skins#freddie mcclair#skins gen 2#skins generation 2
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im taking the fact that this lets player didnt see a single dog in daniils campaign but immediately saw them in both clara and artemys campaigns to be the definite proof that daniil is a cat person. also obsessed with the fact that his icon in patho 2 is this little kitty
#i had forgotten abt it so thats why im mentioning it hjddjdjdkdkd#hhhhhh when i next play i have to immediately go to the house of death. i love that part but its so much pressure#i think im mostly in a better state than when i first played. i have the pistol now and i got 4 shmowders before the plague even started#but idk how ill make it until i get the food from the town hall hjddjdkd#also yeah i have the gun but i dont know if i can use it anymore or if itll break after just one more shot ⚰️#omg i forgot how scary the bandits are also. even tho i can now kill them easier i just hope i dont even run into them LMAO
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honestly at this point. it feels like the difference between s1 and s2 of link click is that Everyone Mattered in s1 and s2 is just. determined to be some kind of cop show. like what the hell
#we managed like nearly the entirety of s1 with no cops why does it have to be a Show About Sad Gruff Cop Guy#whos Sadder Than Everyone Else bc all his colleagues keep dying#also just. idk Everyones story mattered in s1 compared to this season thats just like#Only about People With Powers and the Scary Psychological Games they play with everyone else as canon fodder#I'm not putting this in the main tags obvs but I needed to say it somewhere#like its just. when an ep about figuring out a noodle recipe (s1ep2) hits harder than an ep with mind control and a character death (s2)#what are you even doing at that point#I do wonder what the writers were forced to work with considering that it took longer than planned and its Like This#it feels. marvel-ized :/#anyways this is just me venting I Am still having fun w it I promise lol
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#letting go. rather. been doing things in a day lately.#if it goes past 2 days im not allowing it. bc i need to stop obsessing over everything.#so ofc i took the time to have my daily doodle be bullshit as always.#i do need a break tho. pain bad. very bad. need to charge up bc this month is fucking busy. need to stop drawing .#ghost stories quote popped up in my head with this one. it is what it is.#irony of this one. forced myself to draw something about trying to quell the Perfectionist demon in a single day.#acceptable.#fk#m fk#c-c fk#i honestly cant remember the last time my pain was at a 6 or lower. its just been. 7-9 range for months now. im miserable. its whatever. i#kind of doubt i'll ever be that low again at this rate. its like. 2020 all over again. i cant. take it.#kinda hopeless but still here unfortunately#future isnt scary. its terrifying. its petrifying. dont want to live in this much pain anymore#sigh.#thats why doodles done in one day are good. less stress on drawn-out things.#hard for me tho.#ngl tho i found it unreasonably funny drawing this. i was quite physically cracking up imagining like. ok. youre quite literally choking to#death. and your face is all red. but only one half on account of the Syndromes. idk. idk why i found that so comical. i couldnt contain#my shit. so much so that i almost became the very picture i was drawing. bc i began to choke on the pizza i was eating. only for a#fleeting second. but still. saw my life flash b4 my eyes.#also a firm believer that pretentious artists are fucking stupid and annoying and at times quite ableist. and i personally revel in how i#literally am just like.oh. my anatomy i drew looks fucked up? botched hands? flat collar? asymmetrical eyes? like jokes on you. those thing#in my irl LEGIT are like that so technically my 'wrong/bad' anatomy is correct. suck it. however me drawing the brachial region vs me#drawing anything else is silly.#bc the amount of knowledge i have for the anatomy there specifically in comparison is so much more vast. so like i hyper render collars#and necks. meanwhile whenever i try and draw anything else im crying bc its such a struggle due to the fact that i dont fucking understand#how these other places work.
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god my throat is raw from yelling / panicking. And part of me is wary wondering if it’ll happen again. omgggg
#purrs#i think i knew it was a false alarm it just didn’t feel real. but what fucked me up is that i couldn’t t honk of what to bring. i knew we#we’re close to an exit so we would be fine and i know you’re not supposed to delay getting out and that the stuff is just stuff. but my#journals and diaries.. like i brought them all here for some new years reflections and i couldn’t bring myself to bring any of them. or my#sketchbook. or my switch or ds with my animal crossing town. idk. i guess smth flashed through my head like so much of what matters to me#is digital now but that’s not fucking true at all. why did i have a hard time deciding and brought nothing when my sketchbook is the most#important thing i have i think bc it’s my scrapbook / diary. it just fucked me ip so bad. now im staring at the ceiling and my throat hurts#and im going to be so tired tomorrow. that was so scary#we didn’t even make it outside bc the alarm stopped before we left the room bc we were scrambling to find coats and masks (lol) and them my#mom called the front desk and they said it was a false alarm. so idk. for those 45 seconds it could’ve been life or death and that’s so much#to think about. everything important went out the window it was just like wtf is even happening rn and my dad said it was a fire and i was l#like how do you know. ugh. that was so scary#like what fucked me up was. all the pieces of me are spread so thin in so many journals and shit that idk which one to bring. i would have t#to take the complete collection. and i can’t do that so i have to leave all of them. that’s the choice i made in that primal moment. it#QUITE LITERALLY does not matter and is not the most important part of this to be worried abt / fucked up over but that really shook me
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im an introject of fitz vacker and separating from that source isn’t rlly something i want to do? like idk man I know sourcemates some of them are my headmates it’s not something im unhealthily attached to so it’s not rlly an issue? but the fandom outside of tumblr is… uh… yeah even if i were willing to be open about being an introject much less a system on pinterest or insta or something i think they’d start a witch hunt 😐 and like hi im literally just a girl why are you saying i should “suffer the same fate as jolie”
#reason 100000000 of why i hate being a system#system introject#introject problems#kotlc introject#kotlc fandom#<— is very scary#guys stop wishing death upon children :(#<— directed at the fandom outside of this website#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#head in hands#how much more can a silly guy like me take#endos fuck off btw#this account is not endo friendly#endos dni#idk man there’s people who relate to characters to and you’re allowed to have your own opinions but#try to be civil about it and don’t throw around words like narcissistic psycho toxic etc
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Sending lots of love and hugs your way! I hope your mum will get better soon 🫂
You’re so nice thanks
She’s back from the hospital now, they tried a new thing that’s supposed to make her feel better, so fingers crossed
#tbh I’m not scared about her yknow dying#cancer is so often associated with death#she had it once before yknow#some years ago#then it went away and now it’s back#it’s so weird being having someone close to you have cancer#cause like when you think of cancer is this like horrible grave illness where most people die#and sure yeah#but it starts to feel like there are two different cancer#the popular cancer - the one everyone knows the one that appears on tv the scary mysterious one#and the one your mom / friend/ whatever has#it doesn’t feel like they have CANCER#like yeah they’re sick they have cancer but like#they have CANCER#idk#I’m rambling I just can’t talk to anybody irl about this so#it’s not until you see cancer irl that you realize just how often it appears everywhere#‘wear sunscreen or you’ll get cancer’ ‘cancer is fake’ ‘food is causing cancer’ ‘x fictional character died of cancer’#‘princess of wales has cancer’ like BRO let me live I just want to disconnect and forget about it why is it everywhere#istg I’m scrolling through rwrb AO3 and each time a cancer fanfic appears it’s a jumpscare like im literally reading fanfiction as escapism#I feel this is why I’m always on tumblr tbh#no only do I not leave my house (I can’t leave her alone I have to be here) I also just like distractions#I also don’t have friends which definitely has a lot to do#me
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