#idk what to do with it anymore except just keep enjoying the fandom as i do and turning Greyson into a full-blown character lol

[dawnbreakersgaze]

Once again I was deep DEEP into drawing when we got the new myth card drop so I'm late AF to the party

I have feelings but like... idk. I'm gonna sleep on them before I give my opinions.

I think yall know what I'm gonna say and why I'm gonna say it so I feel like I don't really have to at this point.

But I will say this-

If you're excited about Zayne's new myth, I'm SO happy for you 💜

[moon-cakezz]

ROLEPLAY INFORMATION︶‧ ₊˚・

Hello! I’m Moon, I’m a +18 year old roleplayer that has +6 years of experience in this community. I recently joined Tumblr in hopes to get some long term roleplays! I mostly use Discord, but i’m also willing to talk over Tumblr. Anywho. If this caught your eye, please keep reading!

︶꒦︶꒷︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶꒷꒦‧ ₊˚・

WHAT CAN I OFFER?︶‧ ₊˚・

-+6 years of experience.

-Semi to novella. This means, from +5 mobile lines to going over Discord’s limit, sometimes even multiple times! This heavily depends on mood, the scene and what does my partner has to offer.

-Both realistic and drawn faceclaim for ocs! I also have voice claims, locations and outfit pictures if needed.

-Literally just the basic- good spelling, decent grammar, all that stuff. English is not my first language, but i try my best!

-I like to think that i’m pretty friendly-, i love talking ooc, plotting, planning plot twists, show pinterest moodboards, talk about headcannons… if you want a friend who’s also a rp partner, then i’m your gal!

︶꒦︶꒷︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶꒷꒦‧ ₊˚・

WHAT DO I ASK FOR?︶‧ ₊˚・

-No. Oneliners. PLEASE.

-+18 ONLY. I do not talk with minors.

-Please do share your limits/triggers, i’d hate to make you unconfortable..!

-I know that not everyone wants a friend, or enjoys talking ooc, but please do talk to me about plots and rp-related stuff. Saying “I’m good with anything”, “idk you choose”, or anything like that, does not help!! The purpose of roleplaying is to write with someone else, plan together, if i wanted to do this alone, i’d just write a book lol.

-Please do tell me if you’re not feeling the rp anymore, don’t ghost me, please.

-Have fun!

︶꒦︶꒷︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶꒷꒦‧ ₊˚・

PAIRINGS︶‧ ₊˚・

-Male x Male

-Female x Female

-Female x Male

-Polyamorous relationships

-Platonic pairings

-Oc x Oc

-Cc x Cc

-Oc x Cc(only doublé ups)

︶꒦︶꒷︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶꒷꒦‧ ₊˚・

FANDOMS︶‧ ₊˚・

-Epic the Musical

-Hamilton the Musical

-Good Omens

-Hazbin Hotel

-Lost (2004)

-Total Drama (Island, Action and World Tour)

-TBA!

As a side note, i love doing crossovers, aus, and specially crackships! Please do ask for them!

︶꒦︶꒷︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶꒷꒦‧ ₊˚・

GENRES (NSFW MENTIONS AHEAD)︶‧ ₊˚・

-Romance

-Platonic

-Slice of life

-Historical

-AUs

-Drama

-Angst

-Fluff

-Found Family

-Fantasy

-And more!

!!NSFW MENTIONS AHEAD!!

Dead dove and smut content is allowed, i will do anything except bathroom-related kinks, heavy gore and vore, please don’t ask for that.

As in for smut, i’m a versatile switch, only thing i WON’T do is play as a dom top, i just physically can’t-. My favourite position(is this what’s it called?) is definetely being a power/vers bottom.

I’m not going into detail for my kinks and stuff, this can be discussed in dms.

︶꒦︶꒷︶︶꒷꒦︶︶︶꒷꒦‧ ₊˚・

GOODBYE︶‧ ₊˚・

Interact with this post and i’ll reach out asap!!!

[orchideous-nox]

okay ignoring most or half of all of the current drama, I can’t be the only one was lowkey rubbed the wrong way by P4perback? Like idk

Hope you’re not stressed out or anything!

You're absolutely not the only one. There are people who want to say more but are afraid of the backlash, it's what took me a few days to say anything after the drama last week. I've not had anything on tumblr from his fans and feel incredibly lucky but tiktok was rough. However, I'm now past the point of caring if people think about me differently because I don't like Ethan. I lost a handful of followers on tiktok but I try not to focus on numbers or let it affect my relationship with the fandom and the content I create anyway. Whether I have 7 followers, 700 or 7000, I would want to talk about this.

Without going too heavily into it rn because I don't want this to turn into a shit post that can be twisted as hating on Ethan, I think his approach to everything that happened wasn't doing him any favours. To me, the way he spoke both in his tone and words felt condescending and demeaning, like if you ever considered believing anything that is negatively said about him then you're stupid, because how could someone not think he'sthe nicest kindest person on the internet? Except he then went on to say some very uncomfortable and frankly disgusting things, and now keeping quiet absolutely feels like more of an effort than speaking out.

Ethan said many times that he "obviously" had nothing to apologise for but by the end of the stream he absolutely had things to apologise for and it sucks that realistically we're just never going to get one.

I enjoyed Ethan's content previously, I followed him on tiktok and Instagram, I watched his cosplay videos and edits of him and Andy and enjoyed them, but due to his actions and words I can't enjoy that anymore and I don't want to. It's made me question how I engage with creators I don't know and how much trust I can put into them. I would never want anyone to feel like they can't criticize me for something, nobody is beyond accountability, millions of followers don't make you immune to that. His attitude towards the fandom as a whole and towards people who don't think the sun shines out of his ass leaves a lot to be desired.

At the end of the day, I'm not going to sit here and unload all my feelings on him because much of him is down to how I have interpreted his words and just general opinions that I have on him beyond the current situation, but if people ask about him I'm going to answer rather than be scared and intimidated into silence by his fans or Ethan if he ever sees any of this.

[bonerot19]

🦷🍄🍬🥤

🦷 ⇢ share some personal wisdom or a life hack you swear on I don’t think anyone should do anything like I do, because I am suffering, within a hell of my own making, etc

but, uh, I do think it’s important to remember that you don’t have a deadline for “figuring things out”. you can just, idk, change your mind at 26 and go back to school and get another degree and that’s okay, you aren’t wasting your life or anything.

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings I think DC are cowards for not letting Jason and Steph be best friends in canon. I think she would challenge his belief system in an interesting way without completely rejecting the way he thinks. I think they have enough in common that she might get it, a bit.

🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character idk anymore, I change my mind about things constantly and I have been ignoring discourse lately. idk if any of my opinions are unpopular.

I guess I don’t like it when people try to say Jason is Bruce’s favorite, and I don’t enjoy fics where Jason thinks Bruce hates him while, secretly — or obviously to everyone except Jason, somehow — he’s the favorite.

bc it always seems to me like it blames Jason? for not knowing? instead of Bruce for never being able to actually treat Jason well. like, why would he think you love him at all? (also he’s just so not the favorite lol)

🥤 ⇢ recommend an author or fanfic you love butcherbird, fly away home by e_va

Lost Days-era. Jason's latest teacher is cruel man, but a boring one. There's no reason for Jason to expect that he will be any different from the rest—just another monster with a skillset that Jason wants to learn. He'll get what he needs and then take out the trash before he goes, as always. It's all going according to plan until, very suddenly, it isn't. ~ One of Jason's instructors kidnaps Bruce fucking Wayne. This changes nothing, or at least that's what Jason keeps telling himself.

[witchcraftandburialdirt]

🔥 give me two , one about shipping , one about following / unfollowing — all good if you don't have an ' unpopular ' opinion per se ! just happy to hear your thoughts

✧ ━━ 𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐃 "🔥" 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐀𝐍 𝐔𝐍𝐏𝐎𝐏𝐔𝐋𝐀𝐑 𝐎𝐏𝐈𝐍𝐈𝐎𝐍 𝙼𝚄𝙽𝙳𝙰𝚈 𝙿𝚁𝙾𝙼𝙿𝚃𝚂

I'm really glad you said that the opinion doesn't actually have to be unpopular because I have no idea what's considered a popular opinion or not (☛ ´∀｀*)☛ I know I'm always writing on here but I genuinely know nothing about anything on tumblr outside of the circle that I'm in, and I don't really take part of fandom except at cons. So I'll just list a few things I guess and we'll go from there ━

I don't like the idea of characters "deserving each other". I think what matters most is that the feelings are mutual and not one-sided. Not only that but sometimes people use this as a way to justify horrible things happening to said ship or between them? I dont know I'm just not a fan of the connotation.

Shipping real people feels ... icky to me, and like an invasion of privacy. I know a lot of idol/ k-pop companies push it, though. I'm not talking about "oh they look so cute!" I mean like ... 20+ minute analysis videos. If someone made one about me I'd be horrified so ━ I can't really support it being done to somebody else, even if it is innocent at heart, the feeling behind it is just ... not good.

I genuinely can't stand it when a ship that's going to inevitably be complicated and rather fucked up gets turned into a purely fluffy relationship. Granted I enjoy fluff as much as the next person, and anyone can show tenderness towards those they love, but my goodness please let the characters continue to be messed up.

Thaaat being said I can’t see any enjoyment in watching or reading two characters mercilessly abuse one another in a nonconsensual or purely hateful way. Play fighting, both being equally weird and mirroring eachother or general bickering doesn't count - obvs - but if a ship becomes abusive I'll step back from it. I know I know! But Egg you JUST said "keep the relationship and characters fucked up"! Yes! I did, and that doesn't mean that that messed up relationship is abusive or horrible for those characters specifically because its something they both enjoy/willingly take part in. Continuing about this because this is for my own tastes: Its okay to enjoy darker ships and toxic ships! This doesn't mean the person who is enjoying the content believes abuse is alright.

I find that stories that only revolve around romance tend to be extremely dull to me a lot of the time. There should be an idea of where the story is going without romance included, and if the ship comes along then it does. I think those are the ships that tend to feel the most natural since the characters interact without a specific romantic end goal in mind, which makes it all the more sweet when they do come to recognize their feelings as its come from them and not the destined plot ━ I just like it that way though and people can like whatever, y'know?

Possessiveness in ships is like ... very hit or miss for me in how it's portrayed. There's certain instances where its fun but others where it makes me wanna die. Mutual possessiveness/obsession though? Ohooho that is fun to play with, so long as it doesn't become abusive or unbalanced/unwanted by one of the parties. Man - tsk - idk anymore I feel like my opinion is so all over the place but like this all spins back to the toxic abusive relationships being a no no for me like as long as the insanity is consensual between two adults that both like it ? Yeah - that's fine. Does that make sense? I could probably go into stuff about Vladibin with this ( me and borb were talkin about it ) but I won't because I will go on forever and this is already WAYYY longer than I originally intended.

As for unfollowing it's ... whatever to me? There's obviously mutuals that if I lost I'd be really confused/wondering what happened + sad about it but I would still keep my distance; but for the most part I'm unaffected by it ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ I used to care a lot but I grew out of that within like ... 4 months. I know people grow out of their likes and what they want to view, or that they assumed my blog was something else and upon it not being what they wanted, unfollowed - which again, is valid! I don't know I just don't think unfollowing is anything personal ( like, 95% of the time ofc there's always the small percentage that is ). Don't harass people who block you or try to get around the block, things we've heard a thousand times. ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭ ̀ˋ I think though, that if you have been mutuals/friends with someone for a while and plan to unfollow - I think it would be most polite to message said friend to briefly explain why; especially since so many of us have anxiety sometimes it seems like an unfollow means the other party hates the other. It's just nice if you have a history with someone, not necessary, just polite (ง ื▿ ื)ว

[rumbleonthemill]

bit of a retrospective.

the HN community was great, I absolutely loved searching for artworks and fics in 2018-2019 I have over 4K artworks saved. I digged up the deepest archives for some good art. I have a ship archive. the HN tag here is over 150 pages...if someone, then I love fanart. I love headcanons, au's.. back then the fandom was crazy accepting, it was such a positive feeling, it felt so good to be here.

--

2020 December was the downfall. this whole fucking ass lie someone made up, all because some immature fucking ass cunts disliked a ship. it lasts to this day and I'm so fucking tired. exhausted. I'm exhausted from the "I ship something else, so I'm dehumanizing you and making up lies to make you look like a serial killer because i can't find the block button" this is now in every fandom and it's disgusting.

the ship? the art? didn't hurt a fly.

haters? they hurt everyone.

there's a post, there's a video about the origins of the hilariously average ship, I'm repeating myself like a parrot and I hate it because normal people UNDERSTAND what's the deal - you cannot change the past and you cannot change a ship's impact on the fandom, even if you make up the biggest lies. ever since then I saw that the haters have much more skeletons in the closet, than I ever did.

I cannot do anything with people who blindly fall for lies about a stranger on the internet, and trust other strangers on the internet. immature and pathetic.

--

2021 - the canon began falling from grace as well. same shit again, a million storylines, to this day the HN community itself doesn't know, which canon event belongs to which storyline.

the cartoon was the final nail. It lured so many…it lured.

it is officially unsafe to search for HN, I left multiple sites because the moderation doesn't give a fuck about literal actual creeps. multiple people aren't enough anymore to report things. and ofc the sjw bitches are nowhere when the community should keep together and remove REAL problems.

and the stalkers. and those who are envious. the two-faced lying bitches. those who literally want to own people. the fake friends, who just want you as trophy on their fucking shelf and want free art. those who accuse you for being narcissistic, while they're the ones with huge issues, and ofc everyone's the victim except the harassed person. oh man, if this was a bingo, everything would be checked. I'm tired.

--

the worst thing is, people begin to turn away from you, because other people ruined you and you're ruined. you can't function like before. things trigger you. you know that xy people leaked-backstabbed-wished your death yet play nice in front of public...list goes on.

if I hate someone - there's a real reason.

I'm past several breakdowns, multiple hospital visits and things I'm not even putting into this post. all because people can't find the block button and they purposely worsen people's mental state. (my health is dogshit tho) because people cannot understand that others escape online from irl problems, to fandoms, to have a little rest. rest.

fandoms are supposed to be your mental safe place. sharing art, ideas, being silly.

--

fandoms are about ✨ being crazy. about having fun�� if you want to tell people what they're allowed and not allowed to do, go to politics . become a dictator idk.

--

I don't give the slightest fuck anymore if people on the other end of the internet think that I'm a [insert current problem]. it means that they're chronically online and they're into harassment.

all I ever wanted is to share my art and stories. not more.

I don't give a fuck about others and their views. block button. and if I blocked xy - they better stay away.

--

now to close the post on positive tone.

I know circa FIVE people from the old HN community, who I've been seeing ever since 2018 and before. a few newcomers who want to enjoy fandoms because they're fans and they want to have FUN. those who know, what the ships are about. those who just stick around and are chill.

You get my biggest respect. seriously. these people are still consuming fanart. they're consuming fics, they're tired of the endlessly changing canon, they love the og HN. they know how to have fun and know they can easily filter disliked things. haters didn't scare them away somehow. these cca five people...they're the real fans.

and I also appreciate everyone, who leaves 100+ notes in my inbox, liking ship art in secret. thank you.

[golbrocklovely]

Twitter is trying to cancel SnC yet again I see.

If I were SnC I would literally just delete all my twitter profiles except for their channels twitter which I'd then use ONLY for promoting when new videos drop. Just so the twitter fans can learn that they aren't as important as they seem to think they are because those boys are nearly at 12 million subscribers on youtube, twitter is but a mere handful of that subscriber count so it really wouldn't matter if they all decided to stop watching.

(plus the video they're all angry at is actually performing very well, it's already at 2M views on just day 2 of releasing. This suggests a lot of the fandom may not share twitters opinions...)

i don't see snc deleting their twitters, but i do see them continuing to not use them and just letting them sit dormant bc that side of the fandom is too dramatic.

i've said my peace on this 100 times over, but i don't mind saying it again bc it keeps happening and no one over there is getting it lol

not that i'm telling them either since most of them i have blocked or they have me blocked lmao

that side of the fandom has cried wolf one too many times and now expects snc to still listen to them. and look, back in 2020/21, maybe that would have happened. bc twitter held a lot more stock back then. but not anymore. they thought they could call out snc for every little thing and expect them to always listen and for all of the fandom to agree. and reality is that just won't fly anymore.

were there genuine reasons to call them out before in the past (and even now)? sure. i'm not here to argue that. but what i am saying is once everyone jumped over the line in the sand and started getting mean and calling them out for nonsense things, idk what you expected to happen.

it's one thing to complain about content and what's going on in it or that it's taking too long to get new content out. it's another thing to bitch about their gfs and say they shouldn't date them, or in general to bring up personal shit.

where our input starts and ends is content related, and that's it. anyone that thinks they have a say in what snc do in their own personal lives are delulu. it doesn't matter if you believe you have their best interest in mind, your input is unwanted. that's just reality.

also i think a lot of ppl on twitter think they speak for everyone in the fandom but they fail to realize that this fandom has 12 mil ppl in it (roughly). even if one of the louder fans on there has a 1000 followers, that's not even 1% of the entire fandom. that's not even .01%. that's how little the amount of ppl you speak for.

my thing is, all of this complaining and drama started in january, around colby's bday, when the pics of them with the girls leaked. and since then, this fandom and that side in particular hasn't shut up since. and look, obviously not everything is about the girls and not everyone is even complaining about the girls. i'm not trying to cast wide nets here and assume. but… be honest: yall have been complaining for WEEKS about a variety of things, ranging from them having gfs that might be clout chasers to snc not talking about a genocide, and somehow…….. i'm supposed to take any of that seriously??? snc are supposed to take that seriously??? those are two VERY different things, no?

but hey, you wanna be upset at snc for whatever reason, be my guest. i'm not here to stop you. do whatever you want. but at what point do you just accept that snc aren't gonna meet your demands and thus your only option is to leave?? just curious. and are you okay with the fact that just bc you leave doesn't mean anyone is gonna miss you, including snc? harsh reality is snc don't know who you are, and that's not bc you don't deserve to be known - they just realistically don't know you, and you leaving isn't gonna do anything.

but if you aren't enjoying your time here, leave. it's better in the long run to pay attention to something that actually brings you happiness rather than stick around and be miserable.

[cogwaltz]

i usually never vent on this blog but this is related to the fandom:

lately i keep thinking about how i've been around this game/fandom since like 2007 but i've never made any long lasting friends in the fandom (except for maybe like one person?? idk). i had some good friends on tto but i lost contact with them after tto shut down. since then i've never really had friends in the fandom. i'm so socially awkward that i don't have friends in the fandom and i never create anything anymore bc i have no motivation and am just not talented in general so if i just suddenly disappeared from the fandom or playing the games, likely no one would notice or care. i doubt i even get thought of when ppl think of ppl in toontown tumblr.

and toonfest has really been making me think about this more. i was almost going to go this year but then decided against it bc i have no friends, idk if anyone would wanna interact with me, idk if my family would've wanna gone, and i've never been to a con but i feel like i'd be extremely anxious at one. but yeah, idk, seeing everyone have fun at toonfest and even online in some places has been kinda making me sad. like i love seeing all the toonfest stuff and i am excited about the future of ttr but idk, i'm just kinda bummed out and haven't been able to enjoy it this year.

also i have so many ideas for like ocs and stories but i've never done anything with them bc i feel like they wouldn't be good and no one would care/like them. i suck at drawing and my writing is questionable. it's really sad tbh bc when i was a kid, i would constantly create stuff for toontown but then i just lost the motivation and have never gotten it back.

and all of this makes me feel like, what am i even doing here. why am i here if i have no friends and i never create anything. i mean love this game and the fandom and ik i don't have to contribute anything to be apart of a fandom but idk, sometimes i feel like i should just leave.

[international-repeater-station]

so. ive been thinking a lot. about omori and about what might ensue post-SUNNY route ending. [omori spoilers ahead]

one thing about me is that if i join a fandom, it usually--with some exceptions--means that i mainly enjoy a piece of media as a form of escapism. so like. feel-good stories. or maybe excruciatingly painful stories but they have a good ending that leaves you happy, hopeful, whatever. good friends, best friends, an OTP or two--you know the drill i guess. not saying i only enjoy light stories, it's just that i'm always finding a way to sneak in something happy in there, or finding fandoms that know how to do that.

omori. might be my first hyperfixation (= a story which forever and ever will be among my most favorites even when the obsession dies down) which i can't enjoy in the same way i've been enjoying other stories (don't get me wrong i'm still enjoying it immensely)

because

there is no happy ending i think. as in, that's just not possible? my opinion on that is not set in stone, but for now that's how i feel about it

and my deal is that i Love the characters, i Love the potential in ships like sunflower- ok. grips your, whoever's reading this, shoulders. i love love LOVE the dynamic those two had before things went south. these silly kids were so cute together. But what i love even more (not because it makes me feel fuzzy anymore but because good storytelling) is how it makes perfect sense (to me) that it would be incredibly heckin unhealthy for them to start any sort of relationship. ultimately, i doubt they're even capable of becoming friends again, not just after what happened with mari, but also after what sunny has put himself and basil through

which is nuts. when you're used to, like, thinking about characters (either on their own or OTPs) and twirling your hair and kicking your feet giddily, when you'd actually like to go ^__^ and draw them being sweet together, and then you're faced with the sheer tragedy of the whole gang in OMORI, it's. let's just say oughhhggfggghhgggggbbbh.

it happened and, snap, everything fell apart. FOUR years of nothing, despite all of them living In The Same Town. they have already grown apart tremendously. i can see it, they graduate from high school and that's it—moving from faraway town, maybe not keeping in touch at all. why would they want to, if the memories are so painful, and if the memories that are good not just seem, but really are so distant now? it's healthy to find new friends, to continue living this new life away from the old one.

it makes sense, it all makes perfect sense!!!!!, and yet it's so damn hard to accept the likelihood of that outcome when you've been looking so long through the eyes of sunny/omori who's been abusing escapism biggg time. it's the contrast between how his dream world is and how the real world is that gets me the most, i think!

like, i have another favorite story, evangelion. it's also very tragic but... there is no contrast, the atmosphere in the world of eva has always been kind of hopeless, you just calmly watched things fall apart. OMORI, on the other hand, has that added contrast, and the SUNNY route ending is more bittersweet than utterly hopeless, and maybe that's what makes me wanna crawl up the wall haha!!!!! :'D :'D :'D

so i see all of these post-ending headcanons about how the gang would hang out together, all the ships, and like. 👍👍👍!!! but i can never fully, idk, buy it? it all seems...just a tad too good to be true? like an AU or something :(

i'm not complaining at all though. i enjoy the optimistic fancontent tremendously as well; this just is how the storyline of OMORI makes me feel, and i love it for what it is (to me). long ass speech is over, entering my silly mode again

[earlgreytea68]

Do you see yourself getting “done” with writing fic or musings about FOB anytime soon? I’m a fan of your fantastic writing from your Sherlock days, and nearly died of glee when you found FOB as they’re my longtime favourite band. In much the same way I tried to steel myself in the lengthy post-M A N I A years for the possibility of no more new FOB, I’m steeling myself against the possibility you’ll find a new preferred fandom…either way, I love your thoughts and the words you use to share them.

Awww thank you so much! I'm so glad that I managed to tumble from Sherlock into a fandom you loved! I feel like most of my poor readers just get dragged from place to place with me!

I can honestly never predict, like, when I'll feel "done" with a fandom. With Doctor Who and Sherlock, the shows did it for me, by finally annoying me enough that I didn't really want to write in them anymore. But I have no idea why I got "done" with Inception. Like, it's not like anything *happened.* Inspiration is unpredictable for me. Tbh, I hate it. Like, when I'm loving something and I'm loving writing something, I want to just keep it just like it is forever. I hate anticipating a time when I won't feel like writing it anymore. Tbh, this is why I write so much and so quickly. I always feel like I'm writing against a ticking clock and I have no idea how much time is left on it, and can I make sure that I get everything out before I lose interest? In a little bit of fairness to me? I think? I don't feel like I switch fandoms all that often. Like, once I get in one I tend to settle down and stay there for a while. But i never have any idea how long the stay will be and it's as distressing for me in its own way as it is for all of you!

Right now I'm enjoying FOB so much and that's really nice so I'm just letting myself enjoy it. And I miss writing them a lot a lot, since I'm supposed to be editing so I'm not allowed to write, and I want to write them so badly. So that's a good thing and I hope it stays that way, I really, really, do, I really WANT it to. Honestly, it's nice to have the album cycle underway and this band actually, like, doing stuff? That's been nice and energetic hahahaha

I will say, though, because I'm procrastinating editing but I'm not allowed to write anything new, I've been procrastinating by reading over my old stuff, and I saw a Tumblr post about fics where one of the characters almost dies and inspires confessions of love, and I was like, "That's how Lucky starts," so I just re-read Lucky and...Lucky is so good! hahahah I know it's obnoxious for me to say about something that I wrote but I read it and was like, Arthur and Eames are *lovely* together, what a sweet and lovely story, there was really no reason for me to grow tired of writing them, except that I did, Idk. Just inexplicable sigh, my whims.

Incidentally, I was struck by how much Arthur and Eames are very much NOT Pete and Patrick. Like, I was trying to imagine Patrick keeping Pete alive if he was hit by a bullet during a deal gone wrong in Nicaragua and I was like, ...yeah, Patrick couldn't pull this off, Patrick's no Arthur lollolol. Good thing Eames was with Arthur and not Patrick. Really, when I wrote that Inception/FOB crossover, it would have been absolutely hilarious imagining how terrible Pete Wentz would have been at dreamsharing, no wonder I made him the client instead lol (Also, is Pete, like, actually BOTH Arthur and Eames? Like, both the flirty ridiculous character AND the incredibly competent character????)

[hibiscus02]

My (as of now) brief story on getting a long furby

I'll preface this by saying I'm not in the fandom nor am I a collector. I really wanted a Furby when I was a kid, was obsessed with the thing, but my parents never got me one for reasons I can't remember rn (either too expensive or too weird)

Fast forward to present day, I was scrolling through YouTube and started to watch a furby makeover at random, because I enjoy arts and crafts. And I suddenly become charmed and mesmerized by the Furby's beautiful physique as I felt their cursed eyes stare at me through the screen.

Now, the way my ADHD brain works is that sometimes it will quickly but strongly become transfixed by a specific object (as opposed to just hyperfixating on a tv show or book like usual), and it overrides every other function in my brain with MUST HAVE IT. And that's exactly what happened in this instance.

So I immediately start to search for ways to acquire my own little guy, which took me to a deepdive on Etsy, eBay and Shopee for price comparing. In this journey I learned about the many different types of Furbys (Furbies?) and, although I would've loved to get my hands on one of the older ones (the face just looks cooler to me idk) I quickly realized that even the cheapest ones would be too expensive for me because of the shipping cost (I live in Brazil). In fact, the younger models were also too expensive, because dollars are just that inflated here, so after a couple of hours...after my entire morning was spent scrolling through listings I had the idea to get one of the tiny keychain-like Furbys (like the ones shown below) since they were cheaper so I could customize them and put it on my car;

Even though I'd originally wanted a long Furby I was fine with this alternative since I like tiny things, and I would be easier to modify.

However. It would seem that the Furby gods did not agree with my assessment.

A few hours before I resigned myself to the keychain idea, I had remembered a cousin of mine who got a Furby when we were children (a memory which came to me easily since I felt extreme jealousy). Even though he's not a kid anymore, I messaged his mom on Instagram in hopes that she was a hoarder much like my own mother, and perhaps would still have her children's old toys somewhere.

And after I had given up on my searching, she responded very positively to my weird question, said she remembered what I was talking about, and that she was pretty sure she still had one around the house. She promptly offered to look for it on that same day, and I thanked her endlessly.

Well, I said to myself, that'll probably take a while and obviously she's not gonna drop whatever she's doing to look for it now, so I'll find a way to keep myself busy and keep my brain happy until I get any news.

EXCEPT, and I shit you not, LESS THAN FIVE MINUTES LATER, she sends me this picture followed by the caption "Look who I found 🖤"

At my many exclamations of confusion, she explained that she kept all of the kid's toys in the same chest, and when she opened it her youngest daughter spotted the Furby at once. I offered to go pick it up and this woman, angel that she is, told me not to worry because she would be having lunch close to my neighborhood tomorrow and could bring it here instead.

So, this is all I have for now. I'll be watching videos on how to handle the 2012-ish Furby and gathering some materials in the meantime. Any tips or guides are appreciated. Wish me luck!

[mugenloopdalove]

sorry but yeah. you look like a person who stops enjoying writing the moment it stops catering specifically to the type of safe wish fulfilment you want. we've all seen you complain about a lack of writing motivation the moment your fics actually get hard to plot. we've seen you burn bridges with every fandom that doesn't give your writing the attention you think it deserves. someone who actually liked writing would keep going and be happy with sharing it with a tiny friend group.

"I've been writing since I was 11" means nothing without actual effort to improve. I've been doing math since I was 4 but I still don't understand complex math. imagine only doing simple addition for 25 years and crying because you don't understand einstein? that's literally how you sound every time you play the "I've been writing since age x" card.

you look like someone who can rp only with a trusted person, with pre-agreed outcomes, in the most low effort format possible. only wanting shortform would be forgivable if you clearly didn't want everything else about the rp handed to you on a plate as usual. you just want free dopamine as usual because you have no coping mechanisms or self motivation.

I... Almost never drop rps so idk what you're on. Unless I genuinely forget and don't get nudged. That's the only time I've ever dropped anything. I understand not every moment is going to be super self indulgent and fun.

I mean yeah I get frustrated when I get stuck. That's normal? It's normal to get frustrated when the writing won't write. Everyone does it.

I've never "burned bridges" with any fandom. I barely involve myself in fandom anymore bc I'm old and tired. With the persona fandom, I was removed from the friend group I had through them and then lost writing motivation for a long time bc of stuff that was said about my writing by that group (such as someone saying that I "didn't work hard" in my writing when I very much did). I also had other awful experiences w the fandom (meeting a server full of groomers, dealing with the general fandom behavior towards Ann) and then just stopped engaging w greater fandom bc I couldn't deal w that stuff anymore

I do work to improve, I do. but to me, length is not one of the things I NEED to improve on. I don't need to write 500 words per RP reply to improve. Frankly I don't even understand how that's possible. Like. I genuinely don't get why the number of words matters more than the content.

Nothing about my rps have ever been pre determined except like. Certain ships. I'm in an rp server and working on joining another. I can handle that. The one thing I need is not being expected to write multiple paragraphs for every. Single. Reply. I frankly don't know how people do novella for every reply. If a reply calls for 500 words. I'll give 500 words! But most people don't accept that hey. Sometimes I can just do a paragraph.

I rp w friends but I don't rlly have any that can do my f/os consistently so like. I have to look elsewhere and it looks untenable bc everyone wants the impossible

Like my only expectations are:

RP my f/o (I can mirror)

Let me do my own length and you do yours

That's it. I don't think that's some impossibly high standard

[srslycris]

Hi ❤️ I used to visit your blog daily when you were a larrie. I feel almost the same as you do. Things have really gone down hill since 2013. It's so awful, this fandom, now. I wanted to ask you something. About Harry, I see so many very larries disappear around 2018 or when the band disbanded. I wonder if they knew something I didn't, such as: Harry wanting the hiatus for his own career and not for the band. Harry is such a different person now.....Idk what happened to him. Louis just deserves better❤️💖 i try to keep up and hope this theory of mine isn’t true and Larry are still together but Idk anymore. Things are only never changing for the better in this fandom. I think we will never know the truth. Anyway, take care💙 and thank you for the amazing fandom days I will always miss you✌️

Hey!! Thank you so much, that's so sweet! :)

Honestly, I don't know what happened. But I suspect a lot of it was Freddie not being "debunked" or whatever after 2 years probably led to a lot of people exiting.

There comes a point where it's just not fun to be in a fandom any longer and with Larry, we were enjoying knowing a "secret" that Harry and Louis SEEMED to be encouraging (were they? idk).

But when they stopped being encouraging and gave few, if any, indications that they had plans for the future together... well, it just wasn't fun anymore. And because it wasn't fun, a lot of people (like me) bailed and a lot of other people doubled down and the conspiracies and reaches just got out of hand.

And honestly, I think we do know the truth. They were a thing as teens, then they weren't, but stayed friendly as much as they could in the band and frankly, Larries were not helping, no matter what we told ourselves.

And since then, their lives have gone on and except for Liam, they've all found their niches and are happy. And I'm happy to leave it there (though I am still concerned about Liam).

[angelicgaming1007]

You know what sucks?

I go to reblog some amazing art only to find out its from that one artist on tumblr who has me blocked for literally no damn reason. Never talked to them, never gotten in fights with someone on here besides anons that harass me, Never posted anything controversial, never interacted with them, literally dont know them outside of their art. They just blocked me forever ago. Sucks bc they are a good astarion artist and keep popping up on friends blogs or mutuals blogs and I keep trying to reblog and like their stuff only to be like "oh its them again"

Its pain- bc they did batstarion and I wanted to reblog so bad but I can't. They didnt block my friends who HAVE gotten into fandom fights. They dont block any specific side of the fandom, I dont post anything EXCEPT BG3 99% (which is 99% Astarion) of the time the other 1% of the time its memes or autism stuff or the random personal vent bc life can suck. so I have no idea why they specifically took the time to block me.

I can only speculate why they blocked me. 1. Maybe I post too much 2. Maybe Its because im so "violent" over bg3 talking about murdering the grove? I've had a few people get offended over that idk why. Like its fun to play an evil bastard in a video game. 3. Maybe because I posted my tavs maybe they despise OC posting. 4. Maybe bc I reblog gortash or raphael or some other character that isn't as popular as the main group and they just aren't interested? idk 5. Some of my friends suggested maybe they thought I was someone else and blocked the wrong person 6. Perhaps they thought I was a bot because I spam like and spam reblog without adding new tags. (I think its redundant to readd the same tags so I simply dont and have nothing else to tag with)

Still it sucks to be blocked in the creative circles when literally all I want to do is support artists and enjoy viewing beautiful art and writing. Especially since I USED to be able to access their page, USED to follow them, USED to like and reblog their art and now the reblogs and likes I made before, dont even exist on my profile anymore. Personally the only people I block is ones I know wont ever interact with my content bc theirs is vastly different such as anyone political thats reblogged or people who are overly aggressive attacking fans for literally no reason. So I really dont get it.

Its mildly annoying though since they are everywhere EVERYWHERE bc they are popular and I can't even LIKE their art and I haven't done sh*t all to them EVER.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 322: IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME

Previously on BnHA: Endeavor was all, “Kirishima please take Hagakure and Aoyama and put them away somewhere out of sight until we’re finally ready for the U.A. Traitor Plot.” Shouto was all “HEY DEKU DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT MAYBE YOU WANDERING THE STREETS LOOKING LIKE A GOTH PRAYING MANTIS IS EXACTLY WHAT AFO WANTS.” Deku was all “I’M SORRY I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF MY CRUSHING MARTYR COMPLEX AND ACCUMULATED TRAUMA.” Mineta was all “HEY DEKU YOU SWEET THANG, IF I COULD REARRANGE THE ALPHABET I’D PUT ‘U’ AND ‘I’ TOGETHER, ANYWAYS HMU 💖”, or at least that’s what fandom apparently thought he said. Everyone was all “WELL SINCE WE’RE BACK HERE IN KAMINO WE SHOULD DO THE THING” and did the whole “launching someone into the air to save someone by dramatically grabbing their hand” thing that everybody fucking loves to do in Kamino so damn much. Iida was all “[bombards me and Deku with feels].” Deku was all, “ू(ʚ̴̶̷́ .̠ ʚ̴̶̷̥̀ ू).” I was all, “(;*△*;).” Horikoshi was all, “my work here is done.”

Today on BnHA: 

oh my god.

so I finally went back to look at what I wrote up for 321 last week, and it’s a hot fucking mess lol, and I really don’t want to deal with that right now, so we’re just gonna skip it and go back sometime in the next few days or something because I really want to read the new chapter and I have no self control. I’M SORRY IIDA

oh my god he’s breaking out the narration word bubbles oh my god. shit is about to get epic isn’t it

has there ever been a chapter that opened with these that WASN’T epic? serious question. anyways all aboard the Feels Express I guess

YEP

I saved a bunch of other crying kaomojis when I was looking for ones to use in the “previously on” summary, and right now it’s looking like that was a good fucking decision you guys. if I’m going to be an emotional wreck I might as well do it in style ʕ ಡ ﹏ ಡ ʔ

AND BY THE WAY!!

SHOULD I JUST THANK HORIKOSHI NOW AND SAVE MYSELF SOME TIME LATER. THE MAN ALWAYS FUCKING DELIVERS WHAT ELSE CAN I FUCKING SAY GODDAMN. IS IT TOO EARLY TO DECLARE THIS MY NEW FAVORITE CHAPTER? I SHOULD PROBABLY READ FURTHER THAN ONE PAGE BUT I’VE JUST GOT A FEELING

(ETA: it’s like. maybe my second favorite lol. A HUG WOULD HAVE PUT IT IN FIRST, I’M JUST SAYING.)

anyway so Ochako is releasing Iida, which is actually hilarious, because idk if you all know this but Iida can’t fucking fly you guys

like, I assume Ochako released him because she already knew that Kirishima was in place to catch him, but I really love this split-second of panic on Iida’s part where he’s all “HMM, IS OCHAKO TRYING TO KILL ME, ACTUALLY”

LOL THERE’S A THOOM AND EVERYTHING

that’s some plus fucking ultra on Ochako’s part right there. “IF THEY DIE THEY DIE” goddamn girl did you leave your chill in the same locker as Momo or what

now poor Kiri is all “DAMMIT DEKU ARE YOU PASSED OUT OR WHAT, I DIDN’T GET TO TELL YOU MY THING GODDAMMIT”

oh my gosh he is curled up so small you guys oh my fucking lord

RESIDUAL “LOST CHILD” FEELS FROM LAST WEEK COMING IN FOR A LANDING!! PLEASE MAKE SURE YOUR SEATBACKS AND TRAY TABLES ARE IN THEIR UPRIGHT POSITIONS OMG ( ˚͈͈͈͈̥̆ ₍₎ ˚͈͈͈͈̥̆ )

LMAO IIDA IS TRYING TO CONFIRM THAT OCHAKO PLANNED FOR KIRISHIMA TO CATCH HIM, AND KIRISHIMA IS ALL “NOPE I’M JUST HERE BY CHANCE BRO”

Ochako is the U.A. Traitor confirmed. Hagakure I am so sorry I doubted you. Ochako get over here. so are you Toga now or what

anyway so now everyone is running over before Iida can react to this casual announcement of his attempted murder. and now Mina is taking her turn, and Horikoshi is all “HEY BTW IS MINA CRYING ON THE LIST OF THINGS THAT MAKE YOU CRY?” and of fucking course it is, you bastard. I’m not made of stone

( ɵ̥̥ ˑ̫ ɵ̥̥)

SLDKFJLSDKJ:LKWEJ

IS THIS THE PART WHERE I JUST START SCREAMING INCOHERENTLY FOR THE REST OF THE CHAPTER LOL. SURE FEELS LIKE WE ARE GETTING TO THAT TIME

OH MY GOD KACCHAN AHHHHH

I CAN’T OMG LOL I ALREADY GLANCED AT THE NEXT COUPLE OF PANELS, AND HE’S STARTING A WHOLEASS MONOLOGUE ABOUT ALL OF HIS DEKU FEELS AND OH MY GOD

“HERE YOU GO MAKESTE, A WHOLE CHAPTER OF ALL YOUR FAVORITE META TOPICS JUST THE WAY YOU LIKE THEM�� THANK YOU HORIKOSHI YOU’RE A BRO (っ˘̩╭╮˘̩)っ

SLKASODIFALWKFLKJ

THEY’RE JUST DEKU AND KACCHAN. holy shit you guys. because oh my god, but it’s like when Deku was talking to the Vestiges about saving Tomura, and he turned into his little child self because his heart and intentions were so pure?? and it’s like that again, except that we’re seeing them as their child selves because that’s who they are to each other?? like, not that they actually see each other as children, but just, they can see past all of the stuff on the outside and see each other to their cores, to who they are inside, and when they look at each other they each simply see the other boy that they’ve known their whole entire life. idk?? does that make sense??? DOES ANY OF THIS EVEN MAKE SENSE I DON’T KNOW WHAT WORDS ARE ANYMORE I’M JUST SWIMMING IN FEELS OKAY. I’M TRYING HERE

they’re just boys, is what I’m trying to say, I guess. just Deku and Kacchan. all the walls are down, all the gaps are bridged, and all it is is the one boy reaching out and connecting with the other, and just,,, (꒦ິ⌓꒦ີ)

OH MY GOD [GRABBING YOUR SHOULDERS AND POINTING WORDLESSLY] !!!1LK1

DO YOU ALL KNOW WHAT THIS IS YOU GUYS

HOW PERFECTLY FUCKING RAD. WELL LET ME JUST ENJOY THESE LAST FEW SECONDS BEFORE MY LIFE IS FOREVER CHANGED, I GUESS

OH

MY

GOD

CAN HE EVEN SAY THAT??? IS THAT EVEN LEGAL??? IS HE EVEN FUCKING ALLOWED TO SAY THAT. WHAT IS HAPPENING

OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!

─=≡Σ((( つ ◕o◕ )つ

GET IN HERE, EVERYONE!!

Y’ALL HE REALLY DID IT. “BAKUGOU IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE HE HASN’T EVEN APOLOGIZED” WELL GUESS FUCKING WHAT. GUESS FUCKING WHAT, YOU GUYS!! LET’S FUCKING GOOOOO ((((／￣∇￣)／＼(￣∇￣＼)))) AHHHHHHHHHH

OHHHHHHHH

HEH. I’M ALREADY DEAD, HORIKOSHI, YOU BASTARD. DO YOUR WORST. GO ON

YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON “US”, HE SAYS. ALONG WITH A BUNCH OF OTHER STUFF OMG. KACCHAN, YOU STUDIED!! YOU UNDERSTAND!! PREACH!!

OH NO!!

OH WAIT!!!!

LOL I GOT SCARED THERE FOR A SECOND BUT ANYWAY! EVERYONE GET IN HERE!!! GROUP HUG!!! OR WAIT, NO, WHAT ABOUT -- [GRABS YOUR COLLAR URGENTLY] YOU DON’T THINK -- COULD THEY POSSIBLY -- !!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ARE YOU GONNA HUG!??!?!?!?! I AM NOT OKAY!!!!!!! !!!hgk

REACTION PANELS LOL EVERYONE ELSE IS ON THE EDGE OF THEIR SEATS TOO WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER

LOL OCHAKO

I KNOW THAT IN REALITY THIS FACE IS JUST BECAUSE SHE’S CONCERNED ABOUT DEKU’S FRAGILE STATE RN, BUT I KEEP THINKING ABOUT THE WAY SHE JUST DROPPED IIDA COLD THOUGH, AND I CAN’T HELP BUT FEAR FOR KACCHAN’S SAFETY LMAO. THAT FEELING WHEN THE CLASS PERV AND THE CLASS BULLY BOTH BEAT YOU TO THE LOVE CONFESSION. KACCHAN WATCH YOUR SIX

OKAY BUT LOOK, IT’S NOT THAT I DON’T LOVE ALL OF THE OTHER KIDS, OKAY, BUT CAN WE PLEASE!??!?! HELLO?!?!? MOMO, JUST -- COULD YOU JUST FOR A MINUTE --

NOOOOOOOOOOO

“DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, I HAVE TO SAVE SOMETHING FOR THE FINALE” HORIKOSHI YOU BETTER WATCH OUT, I’M COMING FOR YOU WITH A TWO BY FOUR!! NOT THAT I’M UNGRATEFUL!! BUT JESUS CHRIST, YOU CAN’T JUST DO THAT, AND THEN ALMOST DO THAT, AND THEN NOT!! OMG I HATE YOU

sure let’s cut to Thirteen then, yay. I mean I’m glad they’re alive lol, don’t get me wrong

(ETA: I think that might have sounded a bit sarcastic so I just want to clarify that I really am happy Thirteen is alive and on the job again lol.)

it’s just that if your name doesn’t begin with Baku or Deku I honestly am not interested for just these next five minutes okay lol. like I’m just gonna be completely honest. I am too invested lol, please, they were having a moment, JUST LET ME HAVE THIS PLEASE

OH DAMN U.A. GOT SWOLE AF

THIS SCHOOL HAS BEEN JUICING WTF. I THOUGHT YOU WERE TARTARUS LOL

I’m literally not even reading the speech bubbles though omg I’m so sorry. I really hope there is not a quiz, I promise I will come back to it later scroll scroll scroll

okay so they brought him back to U.A. and he’s all tired and out of it yes

oh goody Hagakure knows all about the security system

(ETA: is it just me or is Horikoshi really laying it on thick with the hints about these two guys lately? I’m on to you sir.)

THAT’S WONDERFUL NEWS. GLAD THIS CRITICAL KNOWLEDGE IS SAFE IN THE HANDS OF THE PEOPLE THAT WE TRUST

ffs Deku

WHAT WILL IT EVEN TAKE TO CONVINCE YOU THEN?? SWEET JESUS

-- holy shit, what??!

they know?? how did they find out??! holy shit???

I’m about to cancel the whole of Japan lmao. fucking try me dudes

-- THE PRINCIPAL!?

NEZU GET YOUR ASS DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW!! WHAT THE FUCK

“a ticking time bomb” tell you what, this man is just asking to be punched in the face. literally begging for it omg

(ETA: I have been advised that I misread this part; Rat Principal told everyone how safe U.A. was, but he’s not the one who ratted out Deku; that was “the rumors”, apparently. which, if I had to guess, were probably started by AFO.)

oh I see, so it’s to be Feels, Part II then

he looks so sad and tired and lonely and she goes right for the hand, god bless. though if Kacchan’s not gonna hug him, you’d think someone would at least. or is it because he still smells bad. hmm

AND THE CHAPTER’S ENDING ON HER LOL WELL OKAY THEN

I MEAN IT’S GREAT AND ALL, I LOVE OCHAKO REALLY I DO, BUT WE WERE PROMISED GREAT EXPLOSION MURDER GODS, WHAT GIVES SOB. I WAS ALL READY TO BREAK OUT INTO SONG AND EVERYTHING. SURE, HE DID THE APOLOGY, BUT WHERE IS THE FOLLOW-UP GODDAMMIT

(ETA: just to clarify the reason for my rambling here, I was really waiting for the hero name reveal and the presumed deeper meaning behind it lol. but I guess that is a conversation still to come! and we still need Deku’s response to the apology too for that matter. lots to look forward to still.)

WELL WHATEVER, SO THAT IS THE END OF THE CHAPTER! SHOUT OUT TO MY BOY RAT “LET ME JUST TELL EVERYONE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD ABOUT DEKU’S SUPER SECRET IDENTITY, I GUESS THAT’S ALL RIGHT NOW, NOTHING BAD COULD POSSIBLY COME OF THIS��� PRINCIPAL. listen here you little shit

anyway but if you’ll excuse me... IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME. IF I COULD FIND A WAY. I’D TAKE BACK THOSE WORDS THAT HAVE HURT YOU, AND YOU’D STAY. I DON’T KNOW WHY I DID THE THINGS I DID. I DON’T KNOW WHY I SAID THE THINGS I SAID. PRIDE’S LIKE A KNIFE, IT CAN CUT DEEP INSIDE. WORDS ARE LIKE WEAPONS, THEY WOUND SOMETIMES. BUM~ BUM~ BUM~, I DIDN’T REALLY MEAN TO HURT YOU. BUM~ BUM~ BUM~, I DIDN’T WANNA SEE YOU GO. I KNOW I MADE YOU CRY, BUT BABAY, IF I COULD TUUUUURN BACK TIIIIIIIIIIIME...

[fanfic-scribbles]

All I Want For Christmas Is...

Fandom: MCU Captain America/Avengers

Summary: What do you get a man who doesn’t seem to want anything? No, really, you’re asking. Bucky is terrible to shop for. Thankfully (or not) he doesn’t seem to have a lot of good memories, so you set out to help him make better ones, all while making sure he never finds out about your crush on him. Fool proof. …You hope.

Quick facts: Romance – Bucky Barnes/Reader – Nondescript Reader

Tags: Fluff, Friends to lovers, the love is requited they’re both just idiots, Reader & Steve Rogers friendship, Christmas fic, Christmas tropes, Christmas romance, you want Christmas I got the Christmas, except for the actual religious stuff, a very secular Christmas I guess, cultural Christmas?, Idk anymore merry whatever

Words: 8974

A/N: I started writing this last year and never got to finish it in time for Christmas. I found it again, really liked what I had, and scrambled to eke out an ending. I hope you’re having a good December, whatever you’re doing, and may next year be better for all of us ♥

   ~

 You are on a mission.

“What about that one?”

“Eh…”

It’s not going great.

“Steve, seriously,” you say and sigh, putting the catalogue on the table. “You're his best friend; can you please help me out?”

“You’re his best friend too,” Steve says defensively.

“Not like you are.”

“That’s not true.”

It absolutely is, but Steve can be stubborn at even the most inconsequential of times, and you decide (reluctantly) that it isn’t in your best interest to argue with the man who’s supposed to be helping you. “Supposed to be” being the key phrase here, because you are no closer to finding a good Christmas gift for Bucky than you were yesterday. Or the day before. Or…

“What did you get him?”

Steve shrugs. “I found some old recipe books I thought he might like, since he seems to be enjoying learning to cook.”

“Damn, that’s good,” you say. One of the problems in shopping for Bucky is that he keeps trying out new hobbies. Most of them he tries just for the novelty, but a few have stuck. Cooking and baking are the newest but he really seems enjoy them. Of course Steve would figure that out where you couldn’t. That’s why he’s the best friend. “And he’s too fussy about his cooking supplies.”

Steve smiles wryly. “That’s why I went for books.”

“I can’t do books. That’s cheating now,” you grumble and lean back in your chair.

“You are one of his best friends,” Steve says and sips his coffee. “I’m sure you’ll think of something.”

“I’m terrible at gifts though! I gave him candy for his birthday, Steve.”

“Specialty candy that actually meant something to him.”

You cross your arms. “He didn’t even eat it. I found it in his drawer just last week, completely untouched. Pristine.”

Steve squints. “You–”

“Yeah, yeah; ‘violation of privacy,’ blah blah blah. I’m desperate!” you say and lean forward. “I’ve been able to scrape something together for everyone else this year but it’s already December first and I have nothing for Bucky. He’s my best friend! And somehow completely immune to materialism! It’s terrible!”

Steve smiles. You glare at him. “And you,” you say pointedly. “You said you would help me.”

At that, he does look chagrined, and then slides into being thoughtful. Or conniving. It’s hard to tell the difference with him, sometimes. “I think you might be putting too much weight on this,” Steve says. “Even if you don’t give him anything, the fact that you’ll be at the get-together means a lot to him.”

“He invited me to a party where he is supplying the food and drink,” you say. And while the fact that Bucky can’t handle potlucks is completely understandable given all his varied trauma, it also acts as the rock to your hard place in this, the season of giving. Wait– on second thought, that candy was an even worse gift than you realized. You put your head in your hands. “I fucking hate Christmas.”

“Easy, Scrooge,” Steve says and chuckles.

“A merry bah humbug to you.”

Steve pats your hand consolingly but he’s quiet for several seconds– just long enough for you to slink further into inconsiderate misery– until he says, “Hey.”

“Hey” from Steve Rogers is a danger sound. A clarion of terrible ideas and bad tidings for anyone else around him. “Hey” from Steve Rogers has made an entire room of Avengers freeze up, made Natasha seriously consider giving up her life to escape to a convent, and given Bucky an aneurysm more times than he can count he has assured you. More personally, a “Hey” from Steve Rogers once almost got you arrested slash killed and did get you maybe a little bit kidnapped and pissed Bucky off so much he gave Steve the silent treatment for a week.

But…you’re desperate. And a “hey” from Steve Rogers is, at least, always interesting. “What,” you say warily, even though at this point all you’re trying to do is fish for ideas.

“Bucky doesn’t like things so much as he likes doing things,” Steve says. “So what if you take him out?”

That’s surprisingly reasonable and level-headed and much more boring than you were expecting. Until you realize what he means and you feel like reaching across the table and grabbing him by his stupidly-large throat. “You swore you would never–”

“I’m not, I’m not!” Steve waves you off (and slides his chair back an inch or two). “I haven’t said anything!” He frowns. “I think it’s stupid that you won’t just come out with it–”

“Steve.”

“–But I recognize that’s not my call to make,” Steve says and lifts his head imperiously. “For the record though, it is stupid.” He puts his hand up before you can tell him what you think. “He’s not materialistic. But he’s lacking in good memories. So, as his “friend,” wouldn’t it be nice to help him make some special ones?”

“I hang out with him all the time though,” you say, but despite yourself, that doesn’t sound like a terrible idea. You do hang out with Bucky as much as you are both physically able, so why not hang out with him while doing things that are a bit more…special? As friends of course. You rue the day Steve ever found out about your crush on your shared best friend as he has yet to let you live it down, and you are going to make sure no one else ever finds out about it. “But maybe some…holiday-ish things wouldn’t be so bad.”

“Whatever you think, Bucky does love hanging out with you,” Steve says and smiles at you warmly. He has a lot more faith in the idea of a romantic relationship between you and Bucky and it makes you squirm. Things are good now. They’re so good and you are going to do absolutely nothing to ruin that.

“It’s probably just because I, at least, don’t go running headlong into fights, and haven’t made Charles Xavier consider retirement, and neither do I get my friends kidnapped.”

“Okay, I apologized for that last one a hundred times and it wasn’t really my fault–”

~

There are approximately seventy billion things to do during the winter according to the number of lists on Pinterest and Google, but the number may be between ten and thirty, gauging by how many of the same carry-overs you find across all these varied lists. From those you’ve made a list of your own, full of the things Bucky might actually like to do.

‘Might’ being the operative word– you don’t know if he’ll go for sledding or ice skating but you have them down just in case he shows interest. You wrote down ‘caroling’ mostly for shits and giggles and quickly crossed it out. Some of the other ones– baking, sipping hot cocoa together, watching Christmas movies– are all things you’re pretty sure you’d do with him normally, but you wrote them down anyways. Because they sound like fun.

And if they’re also good excuses to cuddle…well, Bucky is very touchy-feely and you never (ever) turn that down.

“Here you go.”

You take the mug of hot chocolate with a grateful smile and scoot over a little bit to give Bucky some room when he sits down next to you. However he just leans in closer and…you don’t try to move again. “So, what’s this about?” he asks and takes a loud slurp of his drink.

You clear your throat and sit up. “So I’m making a list–”

“Are you checking it twice?” Bucky asks and steals a marshmallow from your cup even though his pile sticks up over the top of his cup.

“You’re not funny,” you say, even though you’re trying really hard not to smile (while you also try to protect the rest of your marshmallows).

“I’m hilarious,” he says. His smile is sly and you pretend you don’t see him coming just to be able to focus on it, even though he’s going to look like a squirrel soon and you won’t have any marshmallows left. It’ll be worth it.

“Back to the subject,” you say and clear your throat pointedly. You wish you had papers to thump, but as it is you wiggle your phone. “I thought, since you’re okay with being Christmas-adjacent, we would do some Christmas-y things this year.”

“I did Christmas-y things last year,” Bucky says. “This isn’t my first year out in the world.”

“I know, but I don’t know all the things you’ve done, so I made a list of my favorites,” you say. “Are you in?”

His gaze is so fond it makes your heart ache. “You know I am.”

You clear your throat, and get on with what’s important here:

1. Put up decorations 2. Bake

Bucky squints at you. “I was gonna do those anyway.”

You hug his arm. “But I’m going to do them with you. Friendly bonding.”

“Oh,” Bucky says. He smiles, and goes back to reading

3. Hot cocoa by the fire

“Check,” Bucky says. You pinch him.

4. Ice skating

“Nope,” Bucky says and hits the check box, crossing it out.

“You’re not even going to pretend to humor me?” you say.

“Nope,” Bucky says even more emphatically.

You laugh and delete the line. “Fine by me. Now I don’t have to humiliate myself.”

“…Wait–”

“Too late!”

5. Letter to Santa

Bucky moves to check that one too but you move the phone away. “No,” you say. “It’s cute and fun and you’ve never done it in your life. Consider it part of your bucket list.”

Bucky glowers at you. “My bucket list is cooler than that.”

“Well then making you write a letter to Santa is part of my bucket list,” you say.

“I’m not mailing a letter to a fictional creeper,” Bucky grumbles.

“You don’t actually have to mail it.” You poke his side. “Now stand down.”

He settles back down with a, “Does Steve know you're going for his job?” and you aggressively snuggle into him like he’s the world’s most stubborn pillow. He’s certainly the mouthiest.

6. Sledding???

You wait, expecting an argument, but nothing comes. Bucky looks pensive, but when you stare at him he shrugs and admits, “That could be fun.”

You beam. “Can we steal Steve’s shield?”

“Tempting, but we’d go way too fast,” Bucky says.

“But it’d bug the hell out of him.”

“…I’ll think about it.”

7.Snowball fight

Bucky clicks his tongue. “I don’t wanna take you out like that.”

“I’m amazing at snowball fights,” you say. Maybe it’s a bit of a stretch, but you won’t just let him take the win without trying for it. “I’d slaughter you.”

Bucky lets out a low whistle. “You sure you wanna challenge me like that?”

“I’m going to end you.”

8. Christmas movies 9.Christmas music

Bucky rolls his eyes. “Not like we can get away from those.”

You roll your eyes right back at him. “We’re going to enjoy them and that’s that.”

10. Tree-lighting ceremony???

“No,” Bucky says softly but firmly. He clears his throat. “Not that you can’t. It’s just…I’m not comfortable with big crowds right now. Gonna try and steer clear where I can.”

“Okay,” you say and scribble out a few other selections. Maybe next year, maybe not. It doesn’t matter, as long as Bucky’s comfortable.

11. Donate unwrapped toys

“We can do that at an off time,” you say. “We’ll buy a couple of presents and then drop them off.”

“I like that one,” Bucky says thoughtfully.

12. Wrap presents together

“But then I’ll know what you got me.”

Bucky’s joking, but the reminder that you don’t have a real gift for him makes you freeze up. For just a moment, because he’s smiling and he winks at you and you still have a couple of weeks to dredge into desperation. For now, you’re going to pretend that all is right.

“Except for each others’ gifts,” you say and amend the list to say as much. “Happy now?”

“No,” he says and scowls, though the smile tugging at his lips lets you know otherwise.

“Good,” you say and lift your cup. “We’ll start tomorrow.”

~

You don’t know why you thought this was a good idea.

“Are these things sentient?” Bucky grumbles and tries to untangle his fingers from the never-ending string of lights.

“They wouldn’t be so tangled if you put them away right last year,” you say and gingerly pick up another ornament to put it back in its case.

Bucky grunts and manages to get his hand free. He looks up at you. “We don’t even have a tree yet.”

The ‘we’ makes your heart do a flip, even though the tree wouldn’t be yours. Not like that. “I’m just putting them away. We don’t want any more of them to break,” you say and shoot him a quick smile. He grins back, and you quickly duck your head.

It takes entirely too long to decorate a one-bedroom apartment, but you and Bucky manage at last to hang some lights, stars, snowflakes, and a twisted-looking snowman that he insists should go in the garbage– so of course you put it on the wall opposite his bed.

“I’m going to have to see that thing every time I wake up,” he whines.

“Yup!” You put your arm around his shoulders. “Now that it’s festive, we can get to the good stuff.”

Bucky perks up a little bit. “Cookies?” he asks, sweet-tooth fully activated.

You nod. “Cookies.”

You act as assistant to Bucky’s master baker, but that’s more than fair considering this is his home and he is very particular about how his things are handled– again, more than fair. Bucky may not be materialistic in the ‘easy to buy for’ sense but he has a strong attachment to the things he does own. Also? Bucky is turning out to be really, really good in the kitchen no matter what he tries to make, and it’s all you can do to wait for these cookies to bake and set so they can get frosted and, most importantly, eaten.

You sit at the breakfast bar and watch Bucky move around. What he’s doing you don’t really know– you’re not paying that close of attention. What catches your eye is how he moves so smoothly, pulling out supplies quickly because he knows where everything is, turning his back to the door without giving it a wary look-see, flashing you a brilliant smile over his shoulder before focusing on whatever task is at hand.

You’ve known him since he was healed enough to reach out to new people and even from that he’s come so far. He’s amazing, in every sense of the word, and now he’s here hanging out with you, in his warm, cozy home, and yet something in you aches for…more.

Bucky’s suddenly in front of you and you blink but keep from jolting back. The cartoon face of his Frosty the Snowman apron peeks just barely over the counter as Bucky leans closer. “What’s on your mind?” he asks and even throws his messy dishtowel over his shoulder like a bartender about to have a heart-to-heart.

You smile. There’s no level of drunk enough that will get you to burden Bucky with your feelings, but you knock twice on the counter to play along. “Hit me.”

He produces a mug of something covered in whipped cream. You don’t know yet what it is but you’re sure it will be delicious, especially when Bucky winks and says, “Special.”

“Always is,” you say and try to ignore the way his cheeks flush at that.

He waits a few seconds to ask, “So what’s wrong?” but still you are completely unprepared to answer, even though you knew it was coming.

“Nothing,” you say even as you chew on that question.

He scowls at you, but there’s a lightness there and all you can do is smile. Bucky is so good, so strong, and you’re just…you. Sometimes you don’t quite know why he seems to like hanging out with you. What does a normal human have to offer a man who’s lived a multitude of lives in a hundred years, and broken through trauma that everyone expected to break him? And yet he sits with you on the couch and makes fun of bad movies, and helps you put a new bookcase together, and lets you play with his hair when you’re bored, and takes you out for coffee when you’ve had a bad day. Steve may be his number one (for good reason), but Bucky is definitely your best friend.

And yet.

“Do you ever think about all the good stuff you have and still want…more?” you ask, unsure if you should, but it seems safe (vague) enough. “Not something different, but still more?”

Bucky scoffs. “All the damn time,” he says and rolls his shoulders. “I’m real greedy. But,” he says before you can correct him, “…you always say that isn’t the worst thing.”

“True,” you say. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. So far it hasn’t hurt anything, and you’re inclined to let sleeping dogs lie. You raise your cup. “Can I be greedy for more of this?”

“When the cookies come out,” Bucky says and hits his mug to yours. You drink, and let yourself settle. Bucky relaxes with you, until he eventually remembers to get the cookies before they can burn and turns to the oven all swearing and grumbling. You laugh, supportive best friend you are, and take a stupid photo of yourself making a dumb face for the camera while Bucky’s bent over the oven in the background. It’s the kind of photo you’d post to social media, if Bucky was comfortable with that, but since he’s not you’re just going to send the photo to Steve and Sam with a pithy little caption.

As you try to think of one, though, another idea pops up. And it’s…pretty decent. Steve has had some time to collect some photos, especially since everyone and their mom (and grandmoms, and great– well, you know) wants a picture with Captain America, and he’s gotten a lot more comfortable with the kinds of photos his friends like to take. Bucky though is highly distrustful and makes sure he’s scarce for any sort of public group photos. He only lets you take them because you’ve sworn a blood oath to never put them up for other people.

You file the photo away into a new folder and when he puts the plate in front of you you snap a few pictures– “I’m making everyone else jealous,” you claim, and while you do send one photo to the group chat, you take a moment to quickly open a new tab in your browser and type in, ‘how to make a scrapbook.’

~

“We’re doing them out of order.”

You roll your eyes and hold up Bucky’s jacket. “I put them in the order I thought of them, not in the order we’re doing them. Come on; getting the shopping done now is going to be less of a pain in the ass than if we wait long enough to have to contend with deadbeat dads and estranged cousins.”

Bucky grumbles but he puts the jacket on and doesn’t whine all the way to the store. When you get there it’s…a little crowded for first thing in the day, but it’s manageable, and if Bucky clings to you like you’ll get swept away in the masses…well, better safe than sorry.

He does relax a little bit when you get to the toy section. Relax in the sense of being way more overwhelmed by the number of toys than the amount of people, but you’ll take it. “Jesus; how are we supposed to pick?”

“Narrow down by excluding things that are too cheap or too expensive, and then start picking stuff that looks neat,” you say and start down an aisle.

“Is ‘neat’ a scientific measurement or a mathematic one?” Bucky asks dryly but follows closely behind you.

You roll your eyes and stop in between displays. “It’s like…” You grab one of the medium stuffed animals and show it to him. “Look at this. Small, squishy, utterly adorable.” You reach over to grab a promising Nerf gun off the end display. “This? Awesome. Great color combo. Super fucking fun.” You put them both back so you can look at the other options and make a more informed decision. Right now, you are merely making a point. “Very different options but they’ll both be distributed to kids who’ll love them. So yeah– look for ‘neat’ stuff.”

Bucky nods and looks thoughtful, but he just follows and nods his assent to most of your choices, only picking between two when you’re really stuck– and even then he says ‘both’ most of the time. He’s not super into the Nerf guns, unsurprisingly, and he’s lost on most of the dolls, except when he grabs one and mutters about how his neighbors’ grandkids would really love them, so he grabs a few from that line and you stick them in the seat of the cart to keep them separate.

It’s when you get to the action figures –namely, the small section of Captain America figures– that Bucky turns to you with a sly grin and says, “Oh, we are so getting some of these.”

You laugh out loud and watch as he starts to dismantle the shelf.

~

In the end you actually got a fairly good mix of things for kids to enjoy and the Captain America merchandise was only about twenty percent of it. It was mostly a way for you and Bucky to annoy Steve– you have so many photos and you didn’t even have to sneak any candids in. Operation: Christmas Scrapbook has had an unexpected windfall and you could not be more pleased.

“Nice that we don’t have to wrap all those,” Bucky says when you get back to his place after dropping everything off. “But maybe we should start working on wrapping the gifts we do have.”

“After tomorrow,” you say and flop on the couch. It’s late after shopping and lunch and trucking in a ton of toys to a drop box too small to fit them all. “The thing I ordered for Natasha isn’t coming in until then.”

“Ah.” Bucky falls back onto the couch next to you. Almost on top of you, and you playfully shove him only for him to playfully shove right back. You think people would be shocked at how gentle he can be, and you feel smugly superior that you get to know. “What’d you get her?”

“A set of make-up brushes styled to look like various weapons,” you say. “Even if she keeps using her favorites, I think she’ll get a kick out of it.”

“That’s really good,” Bucky says. He swings his arm behind you on the couch and grins at you. “Did mine come in yet?”

“I have most of yours,” you say, because it’s sort of true. You have been taking a lot of pictures, and tomorrow you’re going to steal out to a craft store for the supplies you need to put it all together.

“How much are you getting me?” Bucky asks, looking slightly panicked.

You laugh and for a moment you imagine kissing his worries away, and you suddenly choke because where did that come from, that sort of thing is supposed to be buried deep in your subconscious, only for eldritch gods and maybe therapy to know. You wave Bucky’s worried hand away. “Sorry– choked on air.”

“You're such a disaster,” Bucky chuckles, though he rests his hand on your back and rubs lightly.

“You have no idea,” you say with a smile that feels brittle.

“You know I do,” he says.

You know he doesn’t– not quite– and you intend to keep it that way. “Anyway,” you say. “I didn’t really get you that much. I just have to–” Wait a minute. “Hey. Hey.”

“What? I was just agreeing with you,” Bucky says, opening his eyes so wide, pouting so innocently you immediately smash a pillow into his face. He breaks and laughs, and soon you are under nonstop attack from a man just as deadly with a pillow as he is with anything else.

“I give, I give!” you laugh and wave your arms wildly.

He stops assailing you with couch pillows and, while you try to breathe, helps you sit up. “You started it,” he says.

“Yeah, yeah,” you grumble. You’re still smiling, so it’s not very effective, and as you’re about to tell him off for trying to wheedle more details out of you, your phone chimes. Just a glance makes you jump. “Shit; it’s late.”

“I’ll take you home,” he says and before you can protest he puts his hand on the small of your back and you think as long as he keeps doing that you’ll agree to whatever he wants. Suddenly, you wish very badly he wanted more, and you try to hide how that makes you ache.

The spirit of the season is getting to you, and this list is the best-worst idea you’ve ever had. When you’re safely alone at home, you flop down on your bed and pull out your phone to text Steve, still moping in the dark.

‘Will you hate me for longing after your best friend?’

His reply of, ‘Only if you don’t make an honest man of him. Natasha agrees,’ makes you scowl.

‘You promised,’ you insist.

‘She figured it out herself. I stand by that I’m not saying anything. I wouldn’t do that to you.’

It’s entirely too sweet. So of course he follows it up with a picture of chicken.

‘We’re not friends anymore,’ you lie and slam your phone on the table. It sounds again and you ignore it…for all of seventeen seconds, and you sigh and grab it again.

‘I’m here if you need me.’

You don’t know how to respond. You itch to talk about it with someone, but that doesn’t seem fair when Steve’s already burdened by the knowledge of your incessant crush on your shared best friend and promised to inaction. No; this is your problem alone.

‘…Do you have any more pictures of cute chickens?’

He retaliates by sending you pictures of the ugliest chickens you have ever seen in your life, which sort of brings them around to being cute again. Steve has never been very good at revenge.

~

Bucky has a surprise for you.

You try not to show how nervous that makes you.

“I’m a good driver,” he says for the thousandth time as he turns the SUV carefully around a bend.

“A good driver to where,” you say for maybe the tenth time as you continue to pass through trees and snow. So sue you, his pout is getting a little old. …Okay, so that’s a lie, but you have a persona to maintain, that persona being a person who is not stupidly in romantic like with their best friend who seems allergic to romantic anything.

“You’ll see,” Bucky says for the–

“Oh wow,” you say as the car comes out to a clearing of untouched snow and you park to the side of the mostly-unused road. In the distance is a hill and while there are a couple other cars here, with people already sledding, it’s all spread out so much you doubt you’ll have to interact with anyone.

“How’s this for sledding?” Bucky asks proudly and reaches back to slide out part of a sled he had hidden under the back seat.

“You weren't kidding when you said you didn’t want to deal with people,” you laugh but unbuckle your seatbelt, almost throwing it off in excitement.

“You complaining?”

“Fuck no. Let’s do this.”

And oh, do you. Despite the fast-growing ache that comes from spending hours in the snow, you and Bucky sally forth and his hesitancy to ride with you melts away in the face of that fact that the whole point of doing this is to do it together. Also, the plethora of chicken photos has helped your resolve through spite. Thanks Steve.

Fate even shines on you when, while Bucky shows the sled to the three little girls and their father, their other father stands by you and comments on what a cute couple you are. You’re a little tongue-tied at that but you don’t disabuse him of that notion. In fact, you take the opportunity to ask him to take some photos of you coming down the hill, and he cheerfully obliges, taking a whole series that will go nicely in that little scrapbook.

“You're really into this picture thing, huh?” Bucky asks as you two lean back against the car and catch your breath. The other families are packing up and the sky is turning dark with snow.

“I realized I don’t have a lot of photos of you, and you did say you didn’t mind as long as it stays private,” you say. You hesitate. “But if it bothers you–”

“It doesn’t,” Bucky says and gives you a crooked little grin. “It’s...good. Maybe you can text me some of them?”

This is perfect. “Maybe,” you say brightly and open up your phone to find one photo you’re not going to put in the book just to tide him over.

“Just don’t put one of those dumb dog filters on me.”

You smirk up at him. “Hang on, gotta find a good dog filter,” you say and dodge his weak attempt at a grab, laughing. But you deleted the near duplicates and all these photos are pretty good, so what are you going to send to his phone? You go through, wondering, until your legs are no longer jelly and your lungs are breathing easily even in the cold crisp air and you think maybe you have enough time for a few more rides before the weather turns–

A snowball hits your jacket and you yelp and almost drop your phone. You look around for the culprit and find Bucky, standing several yards away. You slip your phone in your pocket and give him a look. He laughs and immediately starts packing another snowball.

“Cheater!” you yell and duck behind the car just as a snowball crashes into pieces on the hood.

“It’s on the list!” Bucky yells back, laughing. You set to work putting together the most packed, biggest snowball you can manage. You are going to wreck him.

~

You are the one who ends up wrecked, covered in snow, and panting. Unsurprisingly, perhaps, as Bucky is as lethal with snowballs as he is with anything else. You are proud of the two hits you got on him– his thigh and hair– but you feel like you’ve been rolling in a snowbank and it’s really dark for what should be mid-afternoon.

“We outta head back to the city before we get buried,” Bucky says and looks around in some concern, like he too is only just noticing the weather.

“Get that heater going,” you tell him and head for the back with the sled. As soon as you get it in you run for the passenger seat, eager for the heat even though it isn’t fully warm yet. But it is warmer than outside, and that’s what matters.

The sky turns even darker and the snow picks up. Bucky focuses all his attention trying to get through the deluge but eventually he curses and turns around. “Bucky?” you ask.

“We’ll go back to that town we passed through and wait it out at the diner,” he says tersely.

“Sounds good to me. I’m starving.” You pat his arm gently, trying not to distract him, but he’s hunched over the wheel and scowling at the road. “We’ll be okay Bucky.”

“Yes we will be,” he says stubbornly, in the same tone of voice he uses when it’s late and you insist you’ll be fine getting home by yourself and he tells you that may be true, but it’s not happening on his watch. You smile and settle back into your seat. Bucky will get you to safety, and you’ll hang out in a nice warm diner, and it will be good.

And it is. Though it hasn’t stopped, the snow doesn’t seem to be coming down quite as much when you make it to town, and you and Bucky aren’t the only ones taking refuge in the little diner. There’s hot coffee, pancakes served all day, and you and Bucky relax after a morning well spent.

But the storm starts to pick up again, even worse, and the waitress comes over. “Sorry kids, but we’re shutting down in a half hour so we have a chance of getting home,” she says, sincerely apologetic. “You want some travel cups for your coffee?”

“Yes please,” you say with a growing sense of dread. But you made it to town, so that’s better than being stuck trying to drive on dark roads in a snowstorm. You look at Bucky, glowering at the clouds, and then back to the waitress with your mind made up. “Is there a place to stay the night nearby?”

“Oh yeah; there’s a bed and breakfast literally three buildings that-a-way–” she jerks her thumb behind her, “–or there’s a motel further down the road in the same direction. You should be fine. I’ll go get those cups for you.”

“Thank you,” you tell her and watch her leave. You turn back to Bucky who is still pouting with his chin resting in his palm. You kick him lightly, three times, until he finally looks at you. “We’ll check out the bed and breakfast first, then the motel if nothing’s available. Okay?”

“Okay,” he grumbles and looks away again.

“Hey,” you say and reach out to gently touch his arm. “I’m pretty sure your boss’ll understand if you’re not back tonight, right?”

You wait until he finally says, “Right.”

“And we had fun this morning, right?”

He lightens up a little at the memory. “Right.”

“So we have to stay the night unexpectedly.” You hold out your arms. “So what; we’ll head back out as soon as the snow gives a little and we’ll be back in the city by tomorrow. At least we found this town and didn’t get stuck on the roads trying to get back right away, right?”

He sighs but puts his arm down and sits up. “Right,” he says and looks at you again. His mouth turns down. “I’m sorry. Today was supposed to be perfect.”

“It was perfect. I had so much fun,” you say. “Didn’t…you?”

“Yeah. Yeah!” He smiles at you. Then smirks. “Burying you in snowballs was the best.”

You roll your eyes and he laughs, but the waitress comes back with the coffee and you and Bucky start getting everything together, and he throws extra money down. “Just for that comment, you’re paying for the room,” you say and hold the door open for him.

“Feels like the loser should pay,” he says, grinning at you. But out in the relentless cold he steps closer and holds an arm around you, and looks at the car.

“Leave it; we’ll take it if we have to hit the motel,” you say and you both start walking for the bed and breakfast. Thankfully it is as close as the waitress had said; a quaint building, surprisingly big, and absolutely covered in Christmas lights. When you step inside, it’s basically a scene out of any holiday movie. Roaring fire, pine so fresh and abundant it almost makes you sneeze, and there are so many lights that you have to blink a few times to adjust. It’s…perfect.

“Hello!” calls a young woman as she comes out of the back to stand at the counter, a smile on her face and reindeer antlers on her headband. You grin and drag Bucky up to her.

“Hi!” you say as Bucky shyly hangs back. Shy, yes, but as with every strange situation he is attached to your back. ‘Just in case,’ he always says. “We’re a little snowed in, it looks like. Do you have any rooms open for tonight?”

“We sure do!” she replies rather cheerfully. You wonder if she owns the place. Hopefully she at least gets a nice room, because you can hear the wind pick up.

At least now you don’t have to go back out into it on a trek to some crappy motel. If your room is as cozy as the main area looks, it’ll be worth the (likely terribly exorbitant) price you’re going to be paying. “We’d like a room with two beds please.”

“Oh.” She looks from you to Bucky and back again, surprised. You brace yourself for the ‘you're not a couple?’ question that’s so sure to come you can even feel Steve staring holes into your head from afar, but she thankfully just smiles apologetically. “I’m so sorry but those are filled up,” she says and looks on her computer. “I can get you two rooms with a single bed each, or one room with a king bed.”

You look at Bucky and consider your options. He’s trying not to look annoyed but this is one of those things that’s particular to him– he doesn’t like being in a separate room in unfamiliar places. Sam apparently learned that lesson the hard way once while traveling with Bucky and having to bunk in a motel one night. He went to sleep in his bed and woke up in the middle of the night to Bucky sleeping in the chair across from him because ‘it would have taken too long to get to him if anything happened.’ You’re still not sure if that shrill scream recorded on Bucky’s phone was actually Sam, but the point stands– and Bucky is shifting anxiously behind you.

“We’ll take the room with one bed,” you tell her and he sags with relief.

“Are you sure?” he asks, like you didn’t hear that immense sigh.

“It’ll be fine. Kick me, though, and I’m shoving you on the floor,” you say and smile at him. And then you realize– you’ll be sleeping in bed. With Bucky.

Steve really might kill you for not making an honest man out of him.

You think that might be preferable.

~

“I can sleep on the–”

“You are not sleeping on the floor,” you say for the thousandth time and stare at Bucky from your spot in the bed. He’s shuffling awkwardly by the door and you sigh and pat the comforter. “Come on; we’ve got clothes on, I’m so tired I’m going to pass out about five seconds after my head hits the pillow, and if I kick you too hard you can roll me right out of bed. Okay?”

Bucky huffs and doesn’t move to get in. “I have nightmares sometimes.”

“I know; I’ve stayed at your apartment before,” you say and pat the empty space again. The worries about sharing a bed have been utterly annihilated by the fact that you are so tired that you’re tempted to grab Bucky by the hair and drag him over. “You don’t thrash and even when I accidentally woke you up that one time you didn’t lay a hand on me. Now, I can’t go to sleep until I know you’re not going to be a self-martyring jerk, so please get over here so I can conk out for a few hours.”

He huffs but finally gets closer to the bed and, while you turn the sheets over you, he pointedly lies down on top of the sheets. Your head is on the pillow and you're so tired that you know you’re actually going to go to sleep reasonably quickly for the first time in forever, but you need to tell him off. Before you can say that you don’t have cooties or what the fuck ever it is that’s concerning him so much, he turns to face you– close, he’s so close– and puts his hand on your shoulder. “It’s fine,” he says softly and lets his eyes half-close. “I’m comfortable. Sleep.”

Dumbfounded by the fact that his face is so close you could, ostensibly, lean forward and kiss him…you decide to take his advice before you can do something irrevocably stupid and proceed to pass out for the night. As you drift off into unconsciousness though, you feel a sense of dread at what is supposed to be an innocent little crush starts to weigh heavy enough on you that it’s getting harder to breathe.

~

It’s going to be a good day. You slept in your own bed, you’re refreshed and organized, all you’re going to do is wrap presents and watch Christmas movies and listen to Christmas music, and after today you’re free to stay home and be by yourself for several days so you can get your head on straight before the holiday party. It’s going to be great.

Right. Because everything always goes according to plan.

A bow hits your face and you flinch, but when Bucky laughs you smile without reservation. No matter your issues, that will always be the best sound in the entire world.

“Thought you were supposed to be sharing the Christmas spirit with me?” he says, his smile fading slightly.

You can’t have that. You take the bow and stretch to put it on his head. You tap it a couple of times and his smile comes back fully when he asks, “Do I look like a present to you?”

“The best kind,” you say, though that has a different weight to you now. But he laughs, unknowing, and takes it off his head so he can unpeel the sticker side and attach it to a comically small box that’s barely able to be seen underneath the tails of the bow. He looks up at you again, shyly bites his lip in a poor bid to stifle a smile, and it feels like all your internal organs do a coordinated flip.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Yeah, Steve teases you about your crush on Bucky, but up until now it’s all been very innocent, stealing-looks-in-the-schoolyard, do-you-like-like-him, flower-petal-picking, longing-from-afar bullshit where you had feelings but they were easy enough to ignore because Bucky is your friend and you like just being around him. Well, that’s still true, but after that night of (very chastely) sleeping in the same bed, you find yourself thinking about running your fingers through his hair and pressing your body against his and wondering if his lips feel as soft as they look.

You go back to wrapping presents, fumbling over trying to make perfect lines when Bucky zips through his pile like a real-life Christmas elf, making them look as perfect as if they were set for a magazine photo spread.

“Ridiculous,” you grumble and playfully toss the roll of tape at Bucky. It bounces off his chest and he laughs as he looks over your attempts and then gives you a Look. Honestly, you know you can do better, but you’re a little…distracted.

“Hopeless,” he says fondly and takes the box right out of your hands, already carefully peeling at recently placed tape to try and repair it.

He has no idea, you think, but you can’t help but smile as he works his magic and makes Natasha’s gift look beautifully symmetrical.

“Is that one Steve’s?” he asks and squints at the messiest one.

“If it is then leave it,” you say and sip your drink. “He can have a mess. It suits him.”

Bucky looks at you like he’s trying to be reproachful, but he’s smiling. “Are you two fighting again?” he says and leans back with his own drink in his hands, acquiescing to your order.

“We don’t fight, we just have minor disagreements,” you say primly and take a sip to punctuate that you are classy and therefore passively-aggressively petty.

Bucky shakes his head. “Stubborn.”

“Yes, he is.”

Bucky rolls his eyes and goes back to wrapping his gift, and you turn your focus towards attempting to do the same.

“Still…you two are okay…right?”

Bucky’s tone is much more serious than you would like for such a subject and you stop what you’re doing to face him again. He’s staring at you, like he could see through anything you said, so it’s good that he only seems to care about a nonissue. Good for you, at least. “Of course we are,” you say. “You know we never seriously fight, right? And if we did, Steve’s smart– he’d eventually realize I’m right and come groveling.”

That ekes a small smile out of Bucky. “Sorry; it just seems like…you’re not feeling yourself, lately.”

“Oh, well…” You shrug as much nonchalance as you can. “You know how it is, this time of year. Holidays and whatnot.”

“I don’t know,” Bucky says. “This year has been better than others.”

“Really?” You lean in closer. “Finally getting comfortable in your own skin?”

“Sort of.” He studies you. “I think it’s just been a lot more fun.”

The way he looks at you makes you itch. It feels more serious, like he’s looking right through you. You swallow hard as he leans closer…and closer…

…and sticks a bow on your forehead. You let out a surprised laugh– it actually sticks fairly decently– and you can breathe again as he leans back. The near-heart attack was worth it for the smile on his face. “Do I look like a present to you?” you ask and find a gift to stick the bow on properly.

You know you’re in too deep when he says, “The very best kind,” and all you hear is your own longing reflected back at you.

~

The party is going well. It’s small, and the food is great, and everything looks nice, and–

“Why are you hiding in the bathroom?”

You jump a little when Steve sits down on the floor next to you. It’s a little cramped, but you have a feeling he’d be crowding your space even if you were at Tony’s tower instead of Steve’s brownstone.

“I’m not hiding,” you say. “I’m…taking a break.”

Steve doesn’t look any more convinced. You try to change tracks. “How did you know I wasn’t going to the bathroom?”

He says your name in an exasperated sigh. It’s all right; you’re not sure you want the answer to that question. “You know, Bucky’s taking a break too. In the guest bedroom.”

“Is he?”

“Yup.” Steve shoves a gift in your hands and– oh. It’s your gift. For Bucky. “Now’s a great time to give him this, don’t you think?”

“I don’t know.” You pick at a corner and quickly pull your hands back to make yourself stop. “If he’s taking a break, that means he wants to be alo–oone!”

Steve lifts you onto your feet and dusts your clothes for you. You have even more serious questions about his cleaning routine now. “You know you’re the exception,” he says and nudges you towards the door. Though you try to dig in your heels, there’s nothing really for it when your friend can tear a steel door off its hinges. “Now stop being a chicken and get going.”

“Okay, okay,” you say, if only to make sure you don’t get an embarrassing chaperone for the rest of the night, and you trudge out to meet your awkward doom and hopefully (hopefully) not make a fool of yourself.

It’s not easy when you open the door to the guest bedroom and see Bucky sitting on the floor with his back against the bed. With his hair done all nice, in new slacks and a button-down that he looks comfortable and oh so good in, it’s practically a crime he doesn’t have someone special to cuddle with.

You may not be all that special, but you can get the job done. Especially when he smiles at you like that. “Hey,” you say and shut the door behind you. “Steve kicked me out of my hideout. Can I join you?”

“Always,” Bucky says and pats the floor next to him. You sit down at his side and inhale deeply, drawing in the faint richness of his cologne. He scoots closer to you. “Where were you hiding out?”

“The bathroom.”

“Ah yeah; those are bad to hide in.” Bucky lightly bonks his head against yours. “People tend to need ‘em.”

“Not normally the one attached to Steve’s bedroom, but I guess he wants to be prepared for anything.” You bonk him back. “You doing okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah; it’s going really well,” he says, sounding so sincere. “How about you? You like the food?”

“You know I do.” Your fingers are worrying over the gift again– at this point you’re going to wear the wrapping down with slow and steady erosion, so you pick it up off the floor and hold it towards him. “Here, I got this for you. Or, actually, I– …Merry Christmas.”

He squints and side-eyes you, because he’s talented like that, but he goes about unwrapping, and your stomach twists into a knot as he pulls the book out and studies it. It’s as simple as it gets– even though some of the covers had been hilariously cheesy, you had opted for plain black, so he wouldn’t mistake it for a gag gift. He flips through the first page, eyes roving over the Christmas memories you both had started making over the course of the month. There are little pictures you’ve snapped here and there, and what physical mementoes you could snag, like a toy collection flier, and a little brochure for the inn you stayed at.

Your stomach twists as he goes through it, looking as straight-faced as always. When he makes it to the first blank page and looks at you, his expression continues to be inscrutable. Despite not knowing whether he likes it or is trying to find a polite way to distract you so he can chuck it through a window, you clear your throat. “There are a lot of pages in that thing. You can stick photos in it, or other paper mementos, and write about neat things you’ve done or seen. It can be…a little memory book. Or a big memory book, with stuff that might make your journal too bul–ky!”

Bucky is crushing you in a hug. In a good way. In a very, very good way. Well, good but awkward, as your spine is stretched a little awkwardly, but you shift your legs, push your face into his shoulder, hug his body to yours, and it’s perfect.

“This is amazing,” he says and the way he squeezes you before loosening his hold (but not letting go) makes a shiver run through your body. He smiles. “Thank you.”

“I’m–I’m–” You swallow. His face is so close, nose right in front of yours; is this intentional? Is this real? “I’m just glad you like it.”

“I do. Like it.”

He hovers. You hover. It’s a little ridiculous, just how close you are to kissing, but…what if? What if you’re wrong, what if he’s just stuck and doesn’t know how to extricate himself, what if, what if…

…What if he wants this just as much as you do and you miss your chance forever because you’re too comfortable with what is that you never find out what could be?

“Hey Bucky?” You lick your lips. “Tell me if you don’t…like this.”

And you lean in, and press your lips to his, and Bucky immediately pulls you in as tight as he can. That certainly is an answer– not quite the one you were expecting (part of you is still braced for hands pushing on your shoulders and an apology), but even when you both break for air he doesn’t let go of you.

“Don’t take this the wrong way but…please tell me Steve didn’t put you up to this,” he says and looks at you with wide eyes begging for this to be real.

“Part of me wants to make sure you aren’t just playing along because Steve has been so–” Wait a minute. “Wait…wait…you told Steve…”

“I didn’t have to; he knows me too well.” Bucky flushes and looks down. But then he glances back at you. “You told Steve?”

“Biggest mistake of my life,” you huff. “He hasn’t let it go since. …Which makes more sense now.”

Bucky shakes with quiet laughter and rests his forehead on your shoulder. “Poor bastard; this whole time he’s had to listen to me and he knew how you felt.”

You groan and let your head fall on his shoulder. “He’s never going to let us live this down, is he?”

Bucky rubs your upper back gently. “Nope.”

You sit back (and relish in the fact that he doesn’t seem likely to let you go any time soon). He looks happy, and beautiful. “I don’t know how I’m gonna top this gift,” he says.

You have a joke about that, but it’s terrible, and you’re not out to ruin a relationship that is less than an hour old. Instead you look around, see the bow is in arm’s reach, and turn a smile on him. “I have an idea.”

“Oh yeah?” he asks, lips parting with his smile.

“Yeah.” You take the bow, and stick it on his head. It immediately falls off, but he chuckles, and you lean into him. “Merry Christmas, Bucky.”

“Merry Christmas, sweetheart,” he murmurs, and moves to kiss you again