#idk what to do to help myself with this because everything regarding mental illness is either a scam

[yuukei-yikes]

idr if ive sent an ask like this before but. im sending it again if so.

forever thinking about how shintaro lost all three of his only friends on the same day. the anniversary of his dad dying, too.

so yeah. while he is extremely cringefail. i would shut myself in for four years too if that happened to me. like understandable have a nice day.

shintaro goes thru the horrors and we should talk about that more. like almost every route, on or near the anniversary of his dad and three of his only friends dying, he has to like. we all know it varies on who dies but in general he has to witness at least some of his new friends die.

paired with retaining. top ten characters that go thru it. shintaro wouldnt be number one bc hibiya and kano but hed be like. number three? i guess?

deciding on Who suffers more is a little pointless because it feels kind of bad to be like so what's worse? pretending to be your sister's corpse or a timeloop of 10 years? Like both are bad

however ur so right. shintaro is my little meow meow cringe fail idiot prince. something i love about kagepro and i think it's genuinely really well done is the representation of mental health. shintaro loses all 3 of his friends in one day, of course he's going to react like this. he's even under the impression one of them killed herself directly because of him. this guy's a messssss. iirc, in the novels at one point he even says why was i the only one left? so he definitely also had a bit of survivor's guilt there as well. tbh i think everyone in the dan had some survivor's guilt in regards to the person they died with. why was i chosen and not them? cause in kido's pov it also sounds like that when talking abt rin.

anywaysss. so shintaro is a funny guy. depressed king and with reasons to be sad and traumatized, he's got a strong sense of justice and always acts on what he thinks is right. it's funny that he's also so painfully awkward and anxious, but i think the whole beginning arc of kagepro really tells u who he is. shintaro is shown not being able to even TALK to customer service employees, cause he mumbles everything and stumbles over his words, yet like an hour later he's YELLING AT AN ARMED ROBBER THATS GRABBING HIM BY THE NECK. BOY WHAT😭 shintaro's principles always coming on top of anything else he might be feeling is awesome. it shows again in novel 7 when he's kinda awesome and smooth facing saeru and right after falls to his knees bc mary and kido said it wasn't That cool.

and this is all without mentioning retaining eyes. bro post str shintaro. what a delight. i love him. i wrote a stupid shintaro&takane fanfic once where i sorta go into it of how weird it is for him to live past That august, with everything he knows now. if u care here's a link *kicks rock*

shintaro is already pretty self centered as is. but i think very early on post str, now that retaining has been activated, all the routes bleed together and makes him very confused. and this time forever because retaining has been activated and he's. going to be alive from now on. no more resets. so he HAS to deal with it.

a genius or not, a human brain isn't Made to hold onto different memories of different lifetimes like this, so i think post str shintaro can't help being insensitive to others (in that fanfic i wrote, shintaro realizes him and takane in this final route never talked about her as ene, so while to him it was normal bc of retaining, she was still needing some closure on it)

and now ill mention my kagefuture bullshit SORRY!!! SORRY!!! idk if u even read my fancomic but basically shintaro is acting a little stupid in there. like acting without thinking stupid. i find it very fun to imagine an older shintaro doing that because he's spent so much time Stressing about what's happening and what's going to happen because it's finally different from other routes and that's scary, that to get to the point where he's a little more chill about it, it's inadvertently accomplished by Not Thinking. i like to imagine him living day to day without thinking of what will happen later because if he does that he'll spiral. so he sort of ends up in these weird situations like man. how did i not see this one coming

[girlvinland]

I know all too well that a lot of people don’t want to be on psych meds/that they can have side effects that for some are worse than the symptoms they experience, so this is more about my own experiences rather than a judgement on anyone else’s decisions. I believe everyone should have complete bodily autonomy and do what they feel is right for them.

But yeah. For a really long time I wanted to avoid psych meds completely because there were side effects that I really hated in the past, and after this year I’ve realized that that isn’t really possible for me if I want to stay healthy. It’s kind of like. I’m always going to have to take my thyroid medication if I want to feel well physically, and now I understand that it’s the same for the psych medicines too. I’ve had an extensive amount of therapy too, but I actually feel like the meds have been the main thing that have helped, because without them, it was really difficult to even be in a place where I could practice what I was learning.

In many ways, it has taught me a lot about myself. The medicines keep my brain functioning in a way that is stable, and even if I don’t really like taking them, that stability is worth everything to me. Like, I didn’t know how much my mental illness bled into so many other things until I got on these specific medicines. I didn’t know that some of the things I thought were purely stress related were actually symptoms of psychosis. I have no idea why, it just felt “too distant” from me despite happening all throughout my twenties. I’d get frustrated and sometimes upset/aggressive when other people didn’t understand what I was talking about.

Sometimes I feel deeply embarrassed about my behavior and the fact that I struggled with certain symptoms without actually being aware of what they were, but then I am extremely thankful that these medicines exist at all/that I can easily obtain them (are relatively inexpensive)/that they help me so much. I don’t actually remember the last time I felt a sense of “normalcy” with my brain— I unironically think it was when I was a child.

Idk. I think I’m writing this in support of the decisions anyone chooses to make regarding medicines for mental health. I can understand both sides, and I feel glad however people are able to find relief and solace.

[en-djinn]

*starts beaming my thoughts into the 5G towers of Marvel Studios*

if Magus is everything Warlock hates about himself, what would that entail? is it his personal flaws? the darker side of human nature? if vengeance is the most human emotion, would forgiveness be the most inhuman? is forgiveness the thing that pushes someone beyond being human

I THINK it is just what is typically referred to as bad. im rll rtying to fix my typos nrn m. so many. okay. just. god sorry this warrants like a whole proper post bt ill try my best rn. cz this is actually tied SOtied to my perception of my own gender and identity and stuff. int hat i think magus is just what is 'classically' known as bad traits. in a christian way i guess? im an english (bri'ish) whiteboy so im sure that factors in. i specifcally. idk where to even start. good lord.

ok so like there are a lot of traits and aspects of people that are commonly regarded as just 'Bad' right. like selfishness and being assertive and genuinely just caring abt urself. i do not see these as actually bad. just that others see them as bad. i think warlock would see them as bad too since everyone else does. like a taught thought process. i like being bad i like being The Worst i choose to identify with my bad side. when i feel good things it is just 'being With my good emotions'. i have taken this from a buddhist self help book i read and surprisingly its rly stuck w me and i like it. abt how mara is ur 'negative' emotions personified and rather than saying 'i am angry' u can see it as 'i am with my anger rn'. i am with my happiness rn. i am with my kindness rn. thats how it is for me. since i AM the mara here. i see magus as being the same thing, it is all the classically bad emotions that warlock chose to get rid of because such things arent part of being a good 'hero' or 'messiah'. if u get what i mean here.

warlock literally places himself on the metaphorical cross again and again and again coz hes just Decided that its his duty, despite it. literally not being and noone is forcing him to do that. i rly love that one panel where eternity is like 'u have an auto-sadomasochistic obesssion' coz hes just fucking totally correct.

^ this one. from warlock and the infinity watch

now i dont think vengeance or forgiveness is inherently 'human' coz i do not think humans are good nor evil. theyre all neutral. u choose to do either. as for beign beyond human, thats just an identity thing. im not human myself bt its just a feeling i have. or a choice. idk. i mean at the end of the day everything is in ur own head! even reality. noone can truly say what they think is real isnt actually just in their own head. which is why we should be kinder to 'mad' people or ppl that have severe mental illnesses, etc. we all made that shit up. if u wanna be inhuman thats just a simple choice u can make.

[heartbrokenjer]

There are too many days to count where I've contemplated sui. I'm keeping my head forward at all cost and going for the life and love I want with her and myself. I know I'm not perfect and I never will be but to all my greatest efforts ill pursue my goals, dreams, and aspirations with a iron fist. I've lost so many people this month. I've lost so much sleep, lost so many opportunities, my heart is broken... and I'm accountable because I can only hold myself to the character I walk into a room carrying. I'm not angry at the guys who laced my weed, I'm not angry at my Uncle for dropping a bomb on me I have to move in the next days, I'm not angry with my Rylee for doing what she feels is best for her right now, I'm not angry at the fellas who stole my phone, I'm not angry at the treatment I've been receiving lately from my peers and neighbors (although I don't understand the vendetta), I'm not angry my business emails have been hacked and taken from me, I'm not angry that the love I've given to the world isn't reciprocated... I'm just hurt. Devastated to be real. Yet again the years of hard work I've put in have been ripped from me. I was on a hiatus... an extensive one at that and I'm not proud of it but I kicked ass 4 years in a row and my mind body and soul needed the reboot. The Woman I love will always and 5EVA be a rose in my garden and soon I'll be able to show her that just as I'll equally show up for myself. I've broken the most beautiful thing in my life and in turn I'm broken as well. To my friends and family I've fallen out with all i can say is where did we go wrong?? I ask genuinely where was it? So I may correct myself and counsel myself. Along side it all ill be going to therapy so I can be a better me for myself and those around me. Most will see this as a haux or I'm just talking from the side of my neck but I promise you world I am being genuine and I won't argue that with anyone. Idk what will be on the other end of the tunnel but I'm hopeful that everything will fall into alignment. With all my heart I've tried to remain in my heart space even when being played against those I love by those that hate. I've forgiven much and I'll continue to do so because it's just in my nature and I won't let anyone change my heart in that manner. I love who I love even if there's nothing being poured in my glass, ill find away to squeeze some into my cup as well... Somehow I will. I'm accountable for my actions and reactions and I'm also hurt that everyone and everything has simultaneously been taken at once. But whats done in the dark comes to light and my heart and character will shine through whatever is being put on my shoulders. With or without help. To those that have went to hell and back for I'm deeply sorry and I just ask for a smidge of patience while I work through these thresholds. And to my love Rylee I'm working on myself non stop and I will not stop because I want to be your Man and your Rock and I want to show up for you and our kids everyday for the rest of my life. Again I'm accountable and it starts with me... Everyone I promise ill make my adjustments as speedy as possible but I won't rush my process... I recently came out of my hole I dug myself in due to my mental health and I truly from the bottom of my heart will return that love to you all, ESPECIALLY MY RY❤ Thank you for your love and patience and I look forward to show myself and you all why my name is regard so highly. I'm off to therapy Friday so I ask everyone send me positive energy to have the strength to return as authentically as possible. I'm a work in progress and again, my deepest apologies.

-Jerimiah W💔

[eggtwobroes]

frenrye

i dont evem know who these guys ARE!

jokes aside though i luv frenrey. frenrey means alot to me which sounds kind of funny to say. its an inside joke to several friend groups (3 friendgroups i can think of off the top of my head). its a comfort. it makes me unironically nauseous if i think about it in bad contexts. i couldnt look at it for a little bit due to bad associations. it also helped me figure out alot about myself (mostlu helped me figure out that im. fictoromantic </3)

alot of text under the cut sorry. WATCH OUT! (ship ask game)

as for what it means to me personally, at first i was annoying with hlvrai. i had the worst possible characterizations yiu could possibly conjure up because i wanted to frankenstein every fucking ao3 trait for benrey and gordon together because i thought that was the way to characterize them. i was also 13 so whatever. i also projected onto benrey HARD which made him more annoying and me more annoying also. at some point i projected too hard and got nauseous with the ship cuz i convinced myself that i was projecting trauma about my ex friends onto them.??? which was weird but i ended up reaching some closure regarding those ex friends a little while ago and also at the time i realised "hm. no this is stupid" and moved on. then i got on tumblr and became a bigger frenrey fan (really funny to say) and it started meaning more to me... my characterizations got better ovr time (same with my art) and everything was goung well. i had friends who liked frnerey and also i liked frenrey myself. peace and love on planet autism. and then the thing in june happened when my now ex friend told me something about literally everyone in The Frenrey Discord server which caused alot of stuff that i wont explain cuz i think you guys know it by now. that was embarrassing. i also couldnt look at frenrey because i associated it with that and it made me sick to my stomach to think about. at some point i got normaler and less mentally ill and stuff. frenrey also became a relaly big inside joke in my friend groups and stuff <3 i dont really make as much frenrey art as i used to now since im more of a darnrey enthusiast at this point but thats cuz i did figure out im fictoro bcuz of it (shoutout to my wife. girdon)

other than what it personally means 2 me its also a really funny dynamic. guy shows up and starts pestering you the WHOLE FUCKING DURATION of the worst days of ur life. claims he used to know you when you were kids (you fucking didnt). and ur brains response to this is "lets kiss with tongue" its so funny. in canon context its like. this guy plays a game and meets the most fucking insufferable npc of his life and falls in love with him when hes literally not even tangible. how do you store that much emotion towards a character from a game you could just turn off dude. theyre both pathetic i think. their dynamic is kinda hard to describe. i think its funny when benreys head over heels for this guy that hates his guts. i think its funny if they both hate eachothers guts and are simultaneously thinking "i hope this guy fucking goes to hell. i bet he wants to kiss me. good thing i dont want that". i think its funny if benrey doesnt care about gordon at all and just harasses him cuz he thinks its funny and gordons like "god this guy sucks. would it be weird if i kissed him. id hate that probably". idk its a very fun ship to play around with its very flexible.. they fit as queerplatonic, romantic, AND platonic. they work out in game and nongame scenarios. they work in aus because theyre opposites. its so fun. im like dr frankenstein and frenrey is my frankensteins monster that i test on just to see what happens and what works best. idk how else to end this paragraph and continue to the next one sorry

mre related to the first bit about how theyre an inside joke. heres a collection of frenrey related images that are inside jokes or about inside jokes

theres also a lot more videos i have but i cant put themall here. sadly. heres one at least

[a-tomb-with-a-view]

Hi, um, please please ignore this if it feels personal, but would you be willing to talk about asexuality? And like nuances of it? Because I never really thought much of it (in regards to myself I mean, it’s obviously very valid) but lately I’ve read a lot of fics centered around ace characters and like, I’ve been felling some things? Idk please ignore this if it’s weird and sorry to bother you

Hi!

Absolutely no worries, you’re not bothering me in the slightest. Please bear in mind that while I would say I’m probably no longer a baby ace I’m still by no means an expert and my emotional regulation and self perception are kind of shit so my understanding and explanation may be skewed, but a rough outline of what I know is below the cut.

- asexuality is a fuck off massive spectrum, in the same way that allosexuality is. Some people boil it down to sex repulsed, sex neutral and sex positive, some people prefer to find specific labels on that spectrum - you might have heard of grey-asexual and demisexual - and it’s a super weird and wonderful thing. I personally just use the positive-neutral-repulsed system, because I never feel sexual attraction, but depending on the day, how gross I find it changes. Some people may use a combo, ie, you could be demisexual (only feel sexual attraction when you’ve formed a strong bond with the person) and sex positive (even if you’re not sexually attracted to the person you may still be interested in engaging in sex with someone).

- asexuality and libido don’t have masses to do with each other. Asexuality is your sexual attraction, libido is your sex drive. Libido can mainly be associated with the physical symptoms of arousal, eg an erection, “getting wet” etc. You might be asexual and have a high libido, you might be allo sexual and have a low libido, they don’t have much to do with each other. Libido can be suppressed by mental illnesses and associating medication, as well as a bunch of other things.

- you can be allosexual and sex repulsed. Not really much explaining for this one, but the sex positive-neutral-repulsed system can be used even if you’re allo, it’s more of a marker of your feelings about sex than sexual attraction, but some ace people use it to describe their asexuality.

- it can be super fucking complicated. As I said above, it’s a huge spectrum, and there’s a label for just about everything, and almost always a corresponding aromantic label. Some people feel sexual attraction only when it’s unrequited (akoisexual). Some people want a sexual relationship but don’t feel sexual attraction (sex positive or cupiosexual). Some people are sex repulsed (apothisexual). You might not have a bloody clue (quoisexual). Some people might not feel sexual attraction all the time, but do on occasion (grey-asexual). The list goes on and on, and while not a lot of people necessarily will know what you mean if you use a sub-label, looking through lists and definitions can help you determine whether or not you think you want to use asexual or aspec (somewhere on the asexual spectrum).

- in terms of fics, I tend to write Willie and Nick as sex-repulsed (creds to sex repulsed Willie to @on-irratia), Bobby as neutral-repulsed ish cos there’s where I am, Julie and Luke as either Demi or sex neutral, and Alex as grey-asexual. There’s not really much reason for that though, I just like them like that.

I hope this helped, please feel free to ask any follow up questions :))

[discoscoob]

Okok i kinda worry that maybe we need to reel it in a little with the lokious hate

Like, long time follower-love your blog, got some great sylkie content and oh my goood it gives me life!!!- I’m just worried we’re just spiraling into hating on the other ship and finding reasons to feel morally superior to “the other guys”. Which is exactly what the antis are doing

Yes yes i do agree that the mental health point WAS inappropriate; but the digs at lokius feels inappropriate too. Like…its just a ship. And its just a shipper doing what shippers do (regardless of ship). They made a headcanon that’s not actually canon. Sure we don’t care for it much but i think the actual issue is that they said something that was hurtful to people with mental health issues and not that they hoped this makes sylkie invalid. I can see the whole thing just being some young kid who doesn’t know any better getting a little too caught up in shipper brain and not realizing what they’re saying. I don’t think it should be treated as something to then stamp over all lokius shippers, it doesn’t feel fair and it’s the kinda thing a lot of antis do to sylkie shippers just so they can find reasons to hate them more

And yeah sure i can definitely see a future where kids expecting their ship to be endgame causes a mass outbreak of temper tantrums, i have seen this all happen before. And i 100% think that there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it. But i DO think we can make an effort to ignore it and hopefully stop fueling the antis desire to hate on everything (remember don’t feed the troll rules, it won’t stop them but if everyone ignores them it cuts off fresh meat and they start having to cannibalize their own peers)

I know it’s really easy to fall into it. It feels great to put the other guys down and pretend like we’re “holier than thou” for reading the story “as the author intended” but idk man…it just feels weird to keep talking about lokius as tho the issue is the ship itself and not just a bunch of teenagers getting too stubborn with how they consume media (which if you guys remember your fandom history, has been happening since WE were teenager! Wouldn’t it have sucked to have a bunch of older fans seemingly moralizing against a gay ship we liked “unprompted”?)

Eh idk I’m rambling now i think. But i guess i just worry we’re maybe swinging bats at nests without checking what’s in them because we’re worried we found bees but it could just be humming birds buzzing. I think the issue here isn’t lokius but just how kids are consuming media by looking for evidence to fit their theories and not making theories to match the evidence, as the current generation of teens will always do (because they’re always changing out every few years so we start to see patterns in their behaviors). I don’t have a solution for it, but dunking on them isn’t helping.

(Ps this is directed at all of us and not just specifically you. ❤️)

You’re right I probably got a little bit carried away with myself. However regarding my rant yesterday, specifically the longer one, I wanted to keep it general because I wasn’t targeting it towards anyone specific, rather I just wanted to get my feelings about mentally ill people being in relationships off my chest without trying to make it about any ridiculous ship war because I feel like it was something I was more concerned about within real life than whatever fictional characters do on a tv show. That’s why I kept it out of any sort of tags.

But I understand what you’re saying regarding the l0kius shippers and I mean it seems like just one post here and there when I just want to say something in the moment but I admit it does begin to pile up after a while without realising and I appreciate that can become repetitive.

I honestly do try to keep it at a minimum though it’s just when it becomes something I’m particularly passionate about (and this goes beyond the TV show and the dramas within it) then I do sometimes get carried away with it.

And sometimes when you’re discussing a topic with anons, sometimes it can feel like it lasts days just because I might be answering anons all from one day over the course of a few days just because sometimes I can be slow with answering them all, but I do try to get anons regarding the same topic all answered together if I can.

But I’ll definitely try and be more aware of how often I’m discussing l0kius shippers in particular, and although I don’t really clarify it anywhere though I probably should, I honestly don’t mean to generalise them all and act like they’re all the same.

[luminous-studiess]

Ummm so I'm new to tumblr so don't judge if I did something wrong.Ummm how can I be like you? Like you know? Productive and smart.I always push myself but ended up being distracted by things (I have adhd and depression).I can't even remember anything after.I suffer,and continue suffering, from my mental illnesses.I just can't keep myself on track.My family makes fun of me for trying.I'm actually trying to find a part time job here but nothing hires minors.Idk please help meee.

hi, friend! answer under the cut because this will be long. 

please know you’re doing nothing wrong, and that the fact you keep trying to become better and to push yourself to always get things done despite difficult circumstances already shows that you ARE already productive and smart. 

second, it also helped me when i was struggling very heavily last year to learn  two things: 1) there will always be particularly bad days when you live with mental illness, but all the little efforts you take, it slowly does get less difficult. getting better does not mean completely getting rid of all the symptoms you experience, but mostly just learning the best ways and small, gentle things you can do for yourself to manage your condition. this really requires a gentle but firm balance between pushing yourself to do the things you absolutely need to do, but also knowing when what level of work/school/self-care or hobbies is the limit, so that you don’t get too overwhelmed.  this means most of the time, you don’t have to worry about being productive for its own sake. it helps me when i feel like i’m drowning to know how little i can do/the most non-negotiable bare minimum, that still helps me not to fall behind.

^ this is a small, cheap pad of sticky notes i carry with me throughout my entire day. it’s only big enough so that i can only write a few school tasks/personal things i need to do/chores, which helps me evaluate what exactly i can only get done, especially on days where i don’t feel well. checking off absolutely everything on my tiny list makes me feel like i’ve accomplished a lot, because i i have-- they aren’t necessarily a lot of tasks, but they’re the ones that i know really do need to get done. it also helps me focus when i have a lot of nervous energy, and have a panicked sense of “so many things need to get done!!!?” because i can give myself a bit of time to sit down, maybe turn on an episode of a show i like or make some coffee, and write down my tasks. it really helps me with the faint, tiny guilt and dread i used to feel day by day that i was being unproductive or lazy, because now i know i’ve fulfilled all my obligations to myself (everything from doing laundry, to making dinner) and to other people (schoolwork and other tasks). it’s okay to move at the pace that’s only possible for you right now. it’s better to feel comfortable with the smallest things you can do, and build on that as the days come. 2) getting distracted is normal, given Everything Happening Right Now, plus with a mental health condition that makes it hard to focus. it can also be hard to remember things when i study, because of my own health conditions, but i’ve found that the following things have helped: regarding distraction - use a small system that keeps you from accessing any distractions when you need to get something done. i try to leave my non-essential device in another room, and set up a timer-based blocker, to limit the websites i access. - i try to acknowledge the distractions as they come, and try to figure out why: am i hungry? am i tired? have i gotten enough sleep? do i need a break? if it isn’t anything serious, i just acknowledge that i’ve gone briefly off-track-- without guilt, without judgment. then i try to turn my mind back to the task at hand. - a good ambient playlist can make me feel more focused during hard tasks in the sense that i have some form of stimulation to keep the “itchiness” at bay. video game soundtracks and film soundtracks are also wonderful for long, tricky tasks.  - sometimes i just have to start to feel motivated-- the focus actually comes in in the middle of the task. the fact of starting something may actually make you feel motivated.

- procrastinate productively: sometimes when i really don’t want to study i turn on a movie or a show and use the time to clean my room or fold laundry. my life still feels put-together, and i enjoyed myself! win-win.

- and sometimes i realize that focus may be impossible at the moment: take a break, go for a run, do something you like, take a nap.  regarding learning and remembering things i used to have the worst time recalling things for school, until i prioritized two things: SLEEP, and not cramming. i used to get extremely poor grades in my first year of law school because i would put off studying at the last and latest moment-- a few days before exams, pulling all-nighters right up until the hour the exam started. i would also just use my free time to scroll on social media, instead of taking a nap or going to bed early. this was absolutely wrong. during the exam, i couldn’t recall anything because i was too tired, too frazzled, probably didn’t have breakfast, and because i had started and finished half a semester of reading in one night. my grades have gotten much better lately-- i’d like to think it’s because i’ve centered it around two things: (a) getting enough sleep every single night (helpful ESPECIALLY if you have health problems-- mental or physical), and (b) making exam day the least stressful it can be. how do i do this? - this means not only learning things for the exam, but also for classes on a daily period. you don’t have to study particularly hard, but you just have to study enough that you can understand what the professor is saying in class. set definite study hours every day, stop at a very specific and reasonable hour, and go to bed. try to get at least 6 hours of sleep. sleep helps me absorb everything better (idk science but this is from experience and also some very smart people i know ALSO prioritize getting sleep). wake up at a reasonable hour.  - how to study: read the syllabus, and try to get a decent overview of all the topics you need to cover before you start testing/making flashcards/doing active recall (which is IMPORTANT bc this helps you actually train your brain to retrieve information). imho as someone low-energy i find that rewriting notes/making reviewers/making flashcards makes me very tired and leaves very little time for actual studying, so it just helps to test myself by looking at the syllabus and trying to explain the concept to myself, then peeking at the textbook or materials to see what i’m missing. mind-maps are also energy-efficient ways of figuring out how concepts fit together. - how to study for exams: the very latest you should start is a week ahead. two weeks ahead is ideal. map out how much information you need to re-learn from the syllabus. move slowly with the aim of finishing the coverage by the first week. the second is for reviewing and RESTING. - THE NIGHT BEFORE THE EXAM: do a final, gentle survey over the topics you may not understand. stop at 10 pm. go to sleep.  - EXAM DAY: you’ve done the work. take the time to eat breakfast, test yourself SLOWLY AND GENTLY (avoid reading huge chunks of textbook at this point-- youll only confuse yourself), and set up your workspace to take the exam. crush said exam. as a final note: it can be hard to get things done when the people closest to you aren’t supportive. try to reach out on studyblr and find discord study with me servers, or study communities on reddit (they’re actually really nice), or with students in your class. if you need to talk, just dm me. you can do this friend, okay? take care always. gentler days will come. 

[galactichoneybee92]

The Problem With Spinning Out and Zero Chill

Okay so spoilers. All the spoilers. Go into this at your own risk because every possible spoiler for both shows. Also: I will be speaking about these two shows with the assumption that readers have seen both and as such, will not need a summary of either. Okay, still here? Cool. 

I have no big hot take, just some observations that I would like to put out into the universe in regards to Netflix’s two most recent ice skating shows. Because I have a lot of thoughts, and also one big question for anyone who can maybe help me? 

For starters, Spinning Out and Zero Chill are both Netflix originals that premiered around approximately the same time, both of which feature figure skating as a backdrop for a lot of interpersonal drama surrounding the characters. It’s wonderful, because while I’m not very invested in sports I adore figure skating- It’s beautiful and fun to watch even if you don’t know a lot of the technical aspects or the names of the moves. However, for centering around the same sport the two shows are very different. Also, Spinning Out has already been confirmed to have been cancelled after the first season, while the future of Zero Chill is still up in the air.

In regards to personal preference, I liked Spinning Out a lot more than Zero Chill. It had a love story for me to invest myself in, as well as some messy, dramatic family dynamics, and overall the show was a lot more mature. I suspect that this may have actually been to the show’s detriment but that’s for later. In contrast, I found Zero Chill to be fluffy to the point of an ABC Family special. 

Do you remember those? Shows like Switched at Birth or Secret Life of the American Teenager, that tried to tackle big mature topics while keeping things family friendly? Do you remember how the writing was usually pretty sub par and the drama all seemed super contrived because there was only so much they could actually do within their given boundaries, so they made a much bigger deal out of small issues than they deserved? Yeah. Zero Chill felt like that. For example, the “hazing” from the hockey team was to...put balloons in his locker? And that was a...major diss? Worth getting super pissed? Idk. It’s just that, without the confines of being family-friendly day time programing, I have come to expect more from Netflix original programming. 

Alternatively, Spinning Out may have veered too far into the dark and gritty spectrum. If I had to guess where it failed, I would say that it introduced A LOT of drama, all within the first season and at times felt, overwrought. I think Spinning Out could have done with slowing down and taking a breath. Draw things out. Have the mother slowly escalate her abuse, stop and start with her medication, stretch out the love triangle between Kat, Justin, and Marcus. When I first started watching I thought that maybe Marcus would be Kat’s Luke Danes. Like throughout the show she dates other people, but eventually she realizes that she loves him and they end up together but...nope. The show established pretty early on that we were not going to have an epic, interracial friends to lovers romance. And I loved the enemies to lovers romance we got between her a Justin (Though I really think it should have taken longer. I liked that they hooked up before and that he was kinda low key pining but stretch it out. Sloooooooow buuuuuuuurn. Make it goooood. I want to feel the pining.) but it did feel like the cop out answer. And then they immediately introduce a black female character because apparently in the year 2021 we still have shows with exactly 2 black characters that are there to date each other. Like fuck, even South Park has made fun of that trope, it’s time to move past it. 

Secondly I think that it’s super out of character for Kat to ever go off her medicine, even if it is to help her skating. It’s the same way I felt when they introduced Ian’s mental Illness in Shameless. Like, maybe it’s a thing that people do and if you’ve known people that act this was in these scenarios than sure, maybe I’m wrong. But it just feels like they go to so much effort to show the effect that their parent’s mental illness has on them and their life when left untreated, they establish the characters as grown up too quickly, forced to mature due to their parent’s poor choices, and then just decide to have them follow in their mother’s footsteps when the plot demands more drama. I hated that as a choice for Ian and I hated it for Kat. Partly because I feel like it’s very out of character and cop-out writing, and also because I feel like if they had to do it at all it should have been later on in the series. 

One advantage that Zero Chill had for me over Spinning Out is that at least the characters were consistent. In this case I’m speaking mostly about Kayla, but also some of the others. Sure, I found Kayla’s impulsivity annoying instead of charming like I feel was the intent, but I liked her friendship with Skye arguably more than Kat’s friendship with Jenn. Mostly because Skye was pretty chill throughout the entirely of the show while Jenn would go from hot to cold and back. Do I think it’s stupid that Kayla and Skyle’s big storyline was “I want to skate with my BFF but regulations don’t allow it?” Yes. You’ve already established that Kayla doesnt care about competitions. The only time she ever did was because she wanted to skate with her OTHER BFF. So like....just skate now? You have Skye’s mom’s approval at this point, it doesn’t have to go anywhere. But at least the two seemed to genuinely be friends. Kat and Jenn started off with potential but then turned fairly toxic. Kat was never that supportive of Jenn, always wrapped up in her own stuff and Jenn just got crazy at the end there. I understand her being upset about Justin but then she learns that Kat is bipolar, you think theyre cool, and then she immediately throws that back in Kat’s face at the first inconvenient moment. 

Can I just say though, how much more interested I was when I thought the secret figure skater was someone on Mac’s hockey team? I was trying to guess which boy it secretly was and I thought that there would be a subplot about her trying to convince him to figure skate with her, but he would feel pressured by his parents to play hockey instead. And that would work as a foil to Ava, who wanted to play hockey but was instead forced to figure skate. And there would be an eventual romance because what can I say, I’m here for the romance. But no...it was Skye and then there was just that subplot about Mac wanting to date his sister’s only friend. And like, when I was trying to guess who it was I thought it might be Bear and that would be her romantic interest but....no. Bear just, also likes Skye. 

Also, is it some unwritten rule that for every white girl figure skater with brown hair, there must be an Asian best friend? This isnt a complaint, just an observation. 

And clearly I don’t ONLY have complaints. I thought that both shows ahd a promising premise, and I loved the relationship on Spinning Out. When Zero Chill actually bothered with real issues instead of contrived nothing issues, I think it did it pretty well. I liked the friendships and family dynamic better in Zero Chill, but wished that it would have been a little more mature like Spinning Out. I liked that the characters in Spinning Out were mostly adults and that it had a more adult tone, but I wish that they had dialed the melodrama back just a bit. What I really want, I supposed, is a combination of the two shows which leads nicely into my question for you all: 

I remember browsing Netflix months ago and seeing a figure skating show advertised, however it wasn’t either of these shows. It feels like these two shows were once one, and then got split up into two because I am completely unable to find the show I originally saw a commercial for. 

In that original ad there was a brother and sister, one who played hockey and one who figure skated. But the hockey brother was jealous of the sister because he felt like their parents prioritized her figure skating. So one day, before a big performance of hers, he met her right before the performance and yelled at her about how unfair everything was and it shook her up and when she went out on the ice she wasn’t focused. She slipped and fell, split her head open on the ice, and her confidence was shaken. 

But like...that wasn’t either of these shows so what the hell was it??? Were they once one? Was there some other show that hasn’t been released yet? Did I see it in a dream???? 

[mono-red-menace]

this is how i do therapy now by the way. my therapist moved and i can't find one who helps me have a dialogue nor do i have the willpower to create new relationships with therapists for this purpose. i have to put these somewhere where someone Could see it. but i don't care if anyone reads it or not. i try to content warning them, to not Subject anyone (it can get pretty heavy, sometimes i explicitly describe trauma, i always cw those but people don't always block tags) but i'm not very good at it.

This is me working through my mind, giving it structure, trying to work my way out of it.

i have a lot of issues and i'm working to be more mindful of myself and let myself admit things.

maybe i'll stop having these.

they're not flashbacks are they?

unwanted memories which thrust their way into the front of my head. upsetting me. ok it sounds like ptsd but i guess bc my thoughts aren't vivid i assumed it wasn't. hm.

hate that most of my memories feel foreign, and the ones that don't are Immensely Painful

i've always been bad at understanding people like. with regards to emotional reactions and how to find my way through conversations and.

it's easy when it's about something i know, like when it's about me, or something i enjoy like linguistics or certain fantasy things.

but when it comes to like... manners, mannerisms, reactions, etc. i can... feel empathy and sympathy, but i don't have the brainpower to. process it too much. i focus a lot on how it's best for me to proceed in the conversation, how it's best to show them i'm listening, etc.

people often get mad at me, for seemingly only engaging when it interests me, it's not that..

i dont... know how. to be friends with people.

like. idk i'm thinking about Emma again, she was always so angry at me like "when i was talking about what was going on with me, you didn't have anything to say, just 'oh i'm sorry' and then you would talk about yourself! you only think about yourself!" (paraphrasing imagine if my memory was that good)

but.. i wasn't sure how to explain myself then, i was much less. aware of everything then. i was always in a mild dissociation, so my already bad memory got worse. actually i think i still am, but with more lucidity.

and besides, i get so scared when people are angry at me i turn it on myself. but

i really wish i could explain to her that i was doing all i could thinking about her, all i wanted was to make her happy, and.. i wasn't sure how to get around to that.

my vague sentiments were genuine reassurances, but i'm not good at.. navigating conversations like that. i'm not sure what she needed, but as she seemed to get more upset, i changed my strategy, i tried to do something to be more engaging, which was

put it in perspective of my own experiences, as in... i guess, "i understand that actually, a similar thing happened with me," yk yk but.. i guess it's hard to.. make my intention known. she assumed i was changing the topic to me, but what i really wanted to say, i guess, but wasn't aware enough to, was...

"I understand you're in pain right now. It's a pain I experienced too. But I'm here for you."

it's... harder for me to say that in text. i don't struggle to speak nearly as much as i do in text. (trust me, i still struggle irl)

there's no.. it's harder to discern tone here. when i read things, i read it in a neutral tone unless certain conditions are applied, like emojis, keysmashes, etc. because. it's just hard to pick up tone in text. even neurotypical people say so.

but.. idk that's a little beside the point.

it's.. what she needed was for me to be there for her but i didn't... know how to through text. and. i couldn't be there to hug her and say "it's okay. i'm here for you."

i'm still not sure even if that's exactly what she wanted, hehe...

i just have those unresolved feelings.

i hold no romantic feelings for her anymore. i still love her, she'll always be a part of my heart, but.. with how we hurt each other, there's no romantic love.

it's unresolved in that. i wish we could have. worked through it, like.

"this is what i felt" to each other, exchange that. understand that neither of us intended to hurt each other, but we did, and.

i just want the resolution of letting her know how much i actually cared about Her. and how it got blinded by my trauma and abandonment issues and childishness and. with my attitude it probably felt a lot like i was. not taking it seriously. or.. like i though of her as like, Mine. but.. i just felt like she was someone who understood me and i didn't want to lose her and. my understandings of relationships sucked. and still suck. and my trauma gets in the way. and.

i realise that.. there never were romantic feelings. it.. i just wanted to be friends.

my trauma always. clouds my emotions. if someone compliments me too much, calls me cute, just... sees me as a person... it's hard for me to.. not.

i have Borderline Personality Disorder, and what i'm saying is. I have a habit of placing people who are kind to me on pedestals.

and it gets mistaken, in my heart, as romantic feeling.

and. i'm sorry to her that i hurt her. and i understand she didn't mean to hurt me.

i just... wish we could understand each other and never see each other again.

i guess the resolution i need to have, then. is

i need to realise we already won't see each other again. and I understand her, now. and.

i guess i'm trying to avoid typing it, it's skirting by brain because it doesn't want to show itself because it's a painful thought but

i just.. am stuck on wanting to fix it. i want to fix everything, but i don't know how. and.

it feels like it's my job to fix it, right? like, i hurt her, i should help fix it, but... i don't know how. it's impossible for me to know how, only she can know, and if i tried to fix it, i'd only fuck it up more, right.

this isn't me talking bad about myself.

the two of us didn't mix well. what i'm saying is that, due to our histories, self image, mental illness, disorder, and, now, history, our relationship was always going to be rocky, and trying to force it, to.

fix things, would only make it worse.

and.. i often wish she would help fix the things with me she fucked up... but. the idea of it. upsets me.

Bleghhhhh

i'm using a lot of words to explain myself. typical of me. i can never find my way through these dialogues, they're like mazes. i find a way in and can't work my way out so i give up.

this was good. i needed to realise these things i wouldn't let myself.

1. i cant fix this.

2. she can't fix this.

3. there won't be a resolution.

4.

i'm still holding on to four. i don't want to... admit it to myself. because she cared about me. i keep prefacing it with "probablies" or saying in my head "we can't know that" and trying to convince myself that even if we did there's unpredictability to it.. and...

it's not something i'm ready to admit. but now that i've admitted these things to myself, i'll be able to admit the next thing later :)

[littlehouseofkarlacade]

k so since i’ve been hiding the fact that i’ve been depressed and frustrated af lately, i’m just gonna slam it all here under a read more. ignore if you want, actually please do, it’s just me bitching again--

so holy shit the way america is rn frustrates the absolute hell out of me. covid has only made it worse; it feels like we’re never gonna get out of this fuckin’ pandemic because of people screaming that their rights are being violated bc they’re being asked to wear masks (?????? you’d fuckin’ hate it in asia then, ya goddamn snowflakes) and having parties all over the place, plus there’s all the politics shit that i’m not even going to get into, and just... it’s so damn hard to actually live here because everything costs a motherfuckin’ fortune. for fuck’s sake, i am a woman making $15 an hour at a part time job that gives me only 12-15 hours a week, how the fuck am i gonna succeed in anything with that?!

holy fuck. i want so many things that are just out of reach, it feels like. i want to help sylvie start HRT so she can finally start kicking gender dysphoria’s ass and actually start being happy with herself and her body, but considering she has practically 0 health insurance, she makes even less than i do, and it’s fuckin god-tier expensive, i have no idea where to even start with that. a friend of mine told me about planned parenthood (which would probably be a really good idea for both of us, considering i’ve never had my, uh, inner workings checked out), but i have no idea if there’s even one in our area or anything, or how we’d go about starting anything regarding that. it’s so goddamn frustrating, because i hate seeing her hate herself and her body so much because she’s got the wrong goddamn one, and i feel like she’s just got this general feeling of hopelessness around the entire thing, and i want to show her that it is reachable for her, but... how am i supposed to do that if i don’t even know where to begin?!

ALSO, not even relating to that

i want a house. not an apartment, not to keep living with people i barely know, but my own actual goddamn house. my credit score is lookin’ pretty damn good right now -- it’s almost in the 700s, but... i have no idea where to start with that either. and like... i’m afraid, as well. because if we go buy a house, and then something happens where we can’t afford things with the house anymore, then we’re fuckin’ homeless. and like. i’ve been homeless before -- not out on the streets, but i was couchsurfing for a good year and a half, and that sucked -- and i never want that to happen again. rent is expensive as fuck, more than both of us put together can afford, especially with all of sylvia’s bills. our roommate kicked us out of our old place, so we had to quickly scramble to find a place, so we’re living with a couple of sylvia’s friends, and i personally cannot stand it. it’s nothing against them, really, i just. i hate being almost 29 and still having to rely on others for a place to fucking live. it’s fucking godawful. and considering i don’t have any family members or anything that will help me, it’s so... alskdjflkdsal;afd

plus we’re not even in our original city anymore, we’re stuck on a goddamn island that we have to pay a toll to drive back onto every time we go home from work, so that fuckin’ sucks. and i miss our old city so much and it hurts so bad that we don’t live there anymore; i was really at home there, it was the first place where i really felt i could be myself and just... leaving there fucking sucked. i want to go back, and i fully intend to. someday. when i can actually afford things like a goddamn house. why are houses so goddamn expensive anyway; it’s like fuckin’ robbery. idk.

PLUS, since i graduated from community college this past semester, i’m currently on a break, and i fully intend to go back to university, hopefully in fall semester. BUT, idk, it looks like i’m gonna have to push that back to spring 2022, considering we don’t have a place of our own, i can’t drive (was going to get my permit this past summer but covid fucked that in the ass), and while we don’t want to live here, i have no idea where we will be living, and location matters a lot for me since i can’t fuckin’ drive!! i can’t even start applying to universities until we figure that out, and it’s just... god. i feel like i’m spinning my goddamn wheels again, and i fucking hate that feeling.

this is all over the goddamn place and i’m so sorry for that, but i’m just so frustrated and thinking on all of it makes me so fucking depressed that most days lately i just feel like giving up. stop having goals, try to be content working at fuckin target for the rest of my life (even though it makes me wanna die). but goddammit, i’m too fuckin’ ambitious for that (before jkr turned into a fuckin’ bitch, i always got slytherin house because that’s me, kids), and i apparently can’t be satisfied with what i already have because i’m a spoiled-ass bitch, i guess. i always want better. like. i feel like i have to make something of myself before i’m allowed to feel happy and content with my life, and that’s frustrating too. it’s like... i dunno. things aren’t happening the way i want them to, and i just get pissed off at myself for allowing things to happen as they are.

just... god. fuck off. eat the rich. fuck capitalism. i don’t want to be a millionaire or anything. i just want to make enough to not have to live paycheck to paycheck and be able to actually afford things i want without feeling fuckin’ guilty about it. i mean jfc i spent almost $50 on tea shit on this past paycheck bc i got a bonus from target corporate so i had some extra money, but i still feel guilty about it!! and. jesus christ. i don’t know where i went wrong. probably being born to poor, abusive people is where i went wrong.

fuck off.

having mental illness and being poor is. fucking awful. i don’t wish it on anyone.

i just want things to be betterrrrrrr for fuck’s sake.

the end

[nightmaresorpromises]

🍄✨💐

OKAY THIS GOT REALLY LONG BC I FEEL THE NEED TO EXPLAIN MYSELF SO LIKE IM SORRY LMFAO. Also pls no one yell at me I’m just saying how I feel and what I think, I recognize that everyone will have different views/opinions/experiences and that I can only speak based on my own. I am not a doctor

🍄: do you support self diagnosis?

This is kind of a difficult question, I know most people hate the self diagnosis stuff, but personally I think their are certain mental health issues that you can become aware of without a medical diagnosis.

That being said, many mental health issues and disorders are incredibly complex and I think those DO need a medical diagnosis, especially since from what I understand a lot of disorders can mimic and or cause symptoms of other ones.

So for me personally, my eating disorder, anxiety, and depression (which I honestly don’t call that I just say I’m depressed bc I’m not medically diagnosed?) are all self diagnosed, but I’ve seen myself develop my eating disorder and was willing to die for it, I frequently have anxiety attacks to the point I feel like I’m going to faint and I can’t breathe, I’m terrified to order my own food sometimes because of the social interaction, and I’m borderline suicidal and struggle with self harm as a result. So like? I feel, I don’t want to say justified because that sounds kind of wrong, but I feel okay in going “I have these issues, and this is what I struggle with”

but I don’t think I’d ever self diagnose with something complex like bi polar disorder, borderline personality disorder etc, because those are much harder in my eyes to determine, or understand without a medical diagnosis. (Obviously that’s just my opinion and example as someone who A.) doesn’t have the option to get medically diagnosed regarding my mental health issues and B.) who has never struggled with any of those disorders or known anyone who does.)

So like? I’m definitely not pro “identify with whatever mental health issue you have a symptom of!” But I also think to an extent individuals who struggle with their mental health can have enough sense to go okay, this is my life, this isn’t healthy or normal, I’m struggle with these things so maybe I’m dealing with anxiety, or whatever else.

But I understand the frustration around self diagnosis because you obviously have ignorant people going “omg lol I can’t focus on this thing I totally have adhd or add” or “lol I got so angry out of nowhere! Clearly I’m bi-polar” and like... I won’t even get into that. *facepalms*

💐: do you believe in recovery?

This is hard for me. I guess yes and no.

Yes because sure there are things you can overcome, and recover from like addiction, and eating disorders, and there are things you can treat like depression and other mental illnesses,

But no because (pessimistic bitch over here sorry) at the end of the day you’ll still struggle with those things. So you can get better at coping, you can get treatment, but even for me personally now that I’m no longer restricting my food unhealthy, and I’m not terrified of food, I still get ED thoughts, I still get triggered. Like the mental health issue is always going to be in the background of your mind and you’re still going to have to deal with it, even if the strain isn’t as harsh because you’ve gotten better and developed a healthier way to handle it.

So I guess that depends on your definition of recovery. Of course I believe in getting better, and not having your issues hit you as harshly even if they still lurk in your mind.

But, part of me despises the fact that a lot of those issues are still gonna lurk. (I guess I don’t believe in being “totally cured!” Or whatever ? Idk)

But that’s just my take on it, everyone’s different and everyone’s issues are different. And obviously getting better through treatment and developing better coping mechanisms and whatever else can greatly help you and ease your struggles. So it gets easier, and I guess that’s what recovery is supposed to be about. Getting better even if you aren’t “cured”

✨: do you have any advice to others (especially young people) about how to recover?

Oh god. Okay so like, as someone who hit rock bottom at like 15 emotionally I think one of the biggest things is you have to want to recover.

And to a lot of people that sounds obvious but it got to a point where I, and a lot of my friends who struggled with their mental health stopped wanting to get better.

If you’re going to recover, you need to want it. Not necessarily be ready, because you might never feel “ready” it’s a huge jump, but you have to WANT it. Or else no help or advice will ever reach you, and you won’t give an honest try to do whatever it is you need personally to recover.

2.) you have to be willing to change in whatever ways are possible and necessary, because obviously there are things such as living situations that you might not be able to change giving your situation. But the things you can change like how you respond to situations, who and what you surround yourself with (social media, toxic friends, toxic online communities etc) you have to be willing to cut those out.

And obviously, that’s easier said then done, especially when you may already feel alone and like cutting them off will only add to that lonliness, but guys, you have to do it. And I know it’ll be hard at first but getting rid of those toxic relationships will lift a weight off of your shoulders and I promise you will make new friends. Shit like that happens when you least expect it and it’s annoying and weird and dumb. But cut out that toxic shit in your life.

Overall change though, if you don’t like the way you treat people take a step back and go “okay why do I react this way? Why do I treat people this way?” And don’t beat yourself up about it, don’t attack yourself seek to understand it, and that will enable you to then go, “okay how I respond isn’t fair, how can I change that?” And that goes for how you treat yourself too. If you can change those negative thoughts, behaviors and treatment to both yourself and others it will help your mental state a lot.

3.) patience and understanding I guess? I’m sure there’s a lot of feeling like you might be a horrible person out there, a lot of anger and pent up frustration with yourself and the world because of all the shit you’ve had to deal with and like, those feelings are justified, but you should also be patient with yourself and understand that people do stupid, cruel, fucked up shit. We make mistakes, we treat people kinda poorly, but don’t destroy yourself over it.

Understand or seek to understand why x y z is happening and use that to do what you can to change the situation, even if it’s scary or hard. You can regret actions, but regretting them forever won’t help you grow or get better it’ll only make you sink ya know? So like, accept how you’re feeling, but don’t succumb to it, and work to change the negative behaviors or energies that surround you.

Oh my god okay 4, and like SUPER FUCKING IMPORTANT. DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF TO ANYONE. Stop IT. NO ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Where you are is based on your own path, and you’re on your clock not anyone else’s. Everyone has so many different experiences it’s impossible and not fair to sit and judge yourself based on someone else’s capabilities.

Because we all have different experiences while you may be struggling to learn how to respond or handle social situations, which might be something others know how to do, those same people might be struggle to process grief and loss, which maybe you experienced already and learned how to handle.

(Idk if that makes sense,) but basically like, you’re where you need to be in life and you’re learning what you need to learn when you need to learn it. We aren’t all on the same track. Some of us are learning things our friends learned at sixteen, some of us are working towards things 35 year olds haven’t gotten to yet. Everyone is different and because of that we are going to have different experiences. Different bodies, different personalities, different struggles

And that’s OKAY that’s how we’re supposed to be

(Thanks for coming to my I just woke up and chugged coffee ted talk. Obviously take everything I say with some salt, those are just my opinions and views and I understand that they won’t be helpful or apply to everyone and their situation. I’m just trying to explain how I see or feel about things given my life. Obv I’m not a doctor or anything I’m just a college student no one come for me thank you I’m sorry have a nice day)

[mental-health-advice]

So I thought I had a mental problem, right? Well, yesterday I realized that maybe I don't and the only symptoms I have kinda might be due to guilt. One is self harming and I do, but the start I forced myself to because I was kind of scared. So is this my fault? I really wanted to I get feeling in parts of my body that I want to cut or bite or something. I have done something bad and I feel bad about it and maybe that is making me sad. IDK how to explain it. I've tried to give myself (Hall 1)

problems in the past... Also, I feel I might be trans and then I thought "Well from media you consumed you want to be a guy, right?" I don't know because at one point I hated being female down there, you know, and then I was fine, and now I don't like it but I don't hate it, do you understand? It doesn't make sense. Anyways I think all the problems are my own doing and my parents might as well get rid of me because I really am not a good kid and they messed up with me. IDK. (Hall 2)

Hey there Hall,

It sounds like right now you are putting a lot of unneeded pressure on yourself in regards to if you do have a mental health problem or not. Self-diagnosing yourself can be really bad as you may miss-diagnose or believe that you may have something that you either don’t have or not realise you have something else and so consequently not getting the specific help and support that you may be really needing (and are very deserving of!) For some more reasons why we don’t condone self-diagnosing, you can check out our page on it by clicking here.

I am not a professional so can’t really comment on whether you do have a mental health illness or if all of what you are experiencing is from guilt. I understand that you may feel as though you may have caused yourself to have problems in the past but everything happens for a reason, so what if you started self-harming or hurting yourself in other ways because you didn’t know how else to ask for help? Just a thought!

In regards to whether you are trans or not, you don’t have to decide on if you are or not right now. When it comes to LGBTQA, it’s so important to take things as they come and know that it is OK to not tell anyone if you don’t want to or make a definite decision on what you define yourself as until you are ready. This is your life and you get to decide on what you do and when so please be kind to yourself right now! We also have a page on tips of figuring out what your sexuality and/ or gender is which I also encourage you to check out! You can access this page by clicking here.

I know that things are really confusing for you right now but I hope that in time things make sense for you and that the pages that I have linked for you is of some help. Just take things as they come and perhaps see your local doctor or GP and ask for a mental health assessment to help you better understand what is causing you to feel so down and if needed then being referred to specific help and support that you may be needing!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please know that I am also thinking of you!

Take care,

Lauren

[writing-for-amusement]

Commission for Confidence, 4

Summary: Y/N has been struggling with her self-esteem for years. After incessant pushing from your best friend, Y/N decides to commission an artist to draw her, expecting everything to happen via Internet. However, when your phone is stolen, you try to cancel the commission, but Peter Parker has other ideas. He quickly becomes enraptured by you, and a friendship forms easily. Will it lead to something more? Or will your past fears get in the way?

A/N: Okay, so the end of this chapter is admittedly a little choppy, but if I had included more, it would have been probably unnecessarily long (especially since I’ve kinda developed a pattern for myself with length of chapters). I’m so glad that people seem to be enjoying my work!! I’m thinking of posting some other stuff sometime soon, so I don’t burnout on this story, but idk yet. Anyway, enjoy this chapter, please give me feedback, I crave it.

I feel like I should mention that I try to be as neutral with looks as possible. Even if you have darker skin, you still blush, even if it might not be visible. Hence why I often refer to it as “heat rushing to your face” or whatever, but I try to not mention how red it makes Y/N look. If anyone has advice on how to do it better, please let me know!

Also, if you want to be in the taglist, just let me know!!

Taglist: @pparkerwrites, @scatterbrainedgenius, @jordyns-library, @wildfirecracker

Word Count: 2557

Warnings: mental illness (depression and anxiety), brief mention of deceased loved one, insecurity, lots of awkwardness, awkward “flirting” (??), Peter being a cutie pie as always

Peter helped you gather your things and waited patiently as you gave a bright thank you to the owner, Morgana. Then, he was holding the door open to you with a bright smile.

“So,” you prompted as you both started towards the subway.

“So,” he echoed, sending you a playful grin.

“We talked so much about me,” you pointed out, “so why don’t you tell me more about you? If I may be so bold, I’d like to become actual friends with you, instead of just minor acquaintances.”

Peter turned to face you, walking sideways, and was beaming so bright you thought you’d need sunglasses. “Really??? I feel the same way!”

You blushed slightly, looking at the ground for a brief moment. “I’m glad,” you admitted in a murmur.

Soon, the two of you were entering the subway, intent on getting back to Queens before the amount of people traveling got worse.

“So,” Peter began, letting you take a seat as he stood in front of you in the rather crowded car, “I’m trying to think of what medium to capture you in.”

You blinked in surprise.

“I mean, there is a raw beauty to just charcoal or regular pencil, but you are so vibrant and gorgeous, I want to do something more.”

Peter was staring out the window in thought as the heat filled your cheeks, neck, and chest. You bit your lip to try and stop the squeal or giggle of happiness from leaking out (you couldn’t tell what it would be, so you kept your mouth shut). You found yourself looking up at Peter, noticing how he himself would make a great model for any type of art.

Brown eyes suddenly looked at yours and you were thankful that the subway was coming to the next stop. It gave you an excuse to look away, his curious gaze making you feel tingles up your spine. As a tired mother entered with two small children in tow, you and another passenger quickly got up and let them take your seats.

Now, you were standing almost chest to chest with Peter Parker. You awkwardly tried to shuffle around him, so that you were standing next to him, but another passenger quickly took that spot. That left you right there, closer to Peter than you thought you’d ever get.

“Hi,” he blushed down at you.

“H-hello,” you stuttered. “So, you were saying?”

Your weak attempt at saving face actually worked, and Peter began to talk you through the pros and cons of other mediums of art. You found yourself to be incredibly intrigued by the way that Peter spoke.

He spoke so passionately that you could basically see the different aspects of each medium before your eyes. You could see brushes of acrylic paint, or the subtle blurring of watercolors, as he went into greater detail than you almost thought possible.

“Of course, photography will always hold a place in my heart, but sometimes you can’t capture the same emotions as you could with actually making the art yourself. The best part of photography, though, is when you—”

Peter was cut off as the subway car jerked and you fell into him in shock. You had never been particularly graceful, but at least this time it wasn’t your fault. You expected to knock him over; he was a fit man, but you knew you had some heft to you, especially with that violent of a jerk. Something like that would make you, or really anyone, knock over even the largest of men, you were certain of it.

To your surprise, Peter caught you easily, not even moving his feet as he was clutching you to his body. His hand was like comforting and warm candle fire on your waist, slowly heating your muscles. Beautiful brown eyes regarded you with concern.

“Are you okay, Y/N? That was quite the jerk. They’re normally not that bad.”

You nodded sheepishly, removing your hand from where it was splayed on his firm chest. You cleared your throat and took a slight step back, nearly regretting it as the warmth seeped out of your waist slowly.

“Thanks, Peter,” you smiled, albeit a little nervously. “I definitely would have fallen over if you weren’t there.”

"Well,” Peter began, smirking at you, “I can tell you that I’ll be here to catch you, anytime you need it.”

You giggled, covering your smile with your hand. “Then I hope you’re around a lot, because I’m the clumsiest person around,” you told him, realizing as soon as it left your mouth that it was incredibly flirty, at least for you.

Peter was looking at you with a look you couldn’t decipher, but his mouth was grinning. “Hey, I won’t complain about that.”

The heat rushed through your body and you looked at the floor, trying to calm your stampeding heart. Your throat felt a little dry, not expecting his response. You looked up and saw a skinny little thing staring at you with contempt, and your heart crashed to the ground.

Your brain quickly clouded over with negative thoughts. Of course, she’s staring, you’d never fit in with a guy like Peter. Look at him, he’s gorgeous and fit. And you are definitely not. She thinks you’re crazy for flirting with him. And you are crazy for flirting with him. He’d never go for a girl like you, you’re not his type.

Now wait just a minute, you interrupted the hissing whisper, how do I know what his type is? You can’t just assume someone’s type, you know.

Doesn’t matter, the hiss replied easily, anything as big and jiggly as you are is never anyone’s type. You should know that by now.

You ended up heaving a sigh, the hissing getting louder and louder in your head. It was blocking out every positive thought you’d ever had about yourself, pointing out the jiggle in your thighs, the fat of your stomach, the stretch marks that decorated your skin. It pointed out how your laugh was too loud, your smile too big, your fingers too fat, your cheeks unnecessarily full. The clouds became a storm, torrential rains freezing your body, turning your blood into the slowest river in the world.

“Hey,” a shining light of a voice broke through the storm, making you look up at Peter. “Are you okay?” he asked, his hand brushing your arm.

The tingles that his touch brought started to drop-kick the clouds from the forefront of your mind. Peter was looking at you in a way you couldn’t quite tell, but it was like he could tell you were upset about yourself, like he would tear the world to pieces to make you feel better. It made your heart crack, fighting to escape your chest and screech to the world that you were beautiful and worthy.

Because that’s how his gaze made you feel.

You suddenly brightened, the clouds on the far horizons of your mind as they always were, but they were done storming and flooding. “Yeah, Peter, I’m alright,” you told him sincerely, a small but genuine smile on your lips.

Peter’s molten brown eyes assessed you critically, making your body warm and thaw from that freezing storm. After a few more moments, and the subway car nearing your stop, Peter seemed content with your answer. He gave you the sweetest smile you’d ever seen.

The car came to a stop and Peter gestured for you to get off the car. As you fought the crowd of people entering, Peter hooked his pinky in yours in order to stay together. It made your stupid heart flutter up to your throat, but you managed to swallow it back down.

The two of you broke through the crowds and Peter unhooked his pinky from yours. The loud pounding of your heart began to quiet as you and Peter made your way out of the subway; the “fresh” air of the outside (as fresh as it could get, of course) helped clear your mind a bit and you relaxed ever so slightly.

Peter started leading the way to his apartment, which was in the same direction as yours. “The place is kinda a mess,” he informed you as you walked next to him, “but it’s not too bad. Mostly just a couple of unfinished works running around.”

“Hey, I don’t mind,” you told him, stepping farther into the sidewalk as a crowd of people walking the opposite direction tried to take over the small space.

“I grew up in Queens,” Peter stated, and when you looked at him, he was scowling slightly, “but lately, all these crowds have been even more rude than usual.”

You chuckled lightly and shrugged your shoulders. “You grew up in Queens, huh? So, you were here when Spider-Man became a thing, yeah?”

If you didn’t know any better, Peter’s shoulders tensed as he waited for the streetlight to change. Then, an almost nervous chuckle flitted over to your ears.

“Yeah, I remember. I saw him swinging around in that cheap ass suit one day after school. How embarrassing for him.” Peter’s ears turned a light pink color.

You hummed in thought slightly, glancing at him as he glanced at you. “I liked that first suit, actually,” you admitted. “I mean, obviously it wasn’t as effective as his following ones, but I’ve always admired homemade creations. It was creative in its design, at least I always thought so from the YouTube videos I’d seen.”

“For real?” Peter asked as you began to cross the street.

“Yeah.”

You were surprised when Peter began to laugh, pulling you into him by your shoulders as you walked. Your heart plummeted as he appeared to laugh at you.

“I’m glad someone liked it!” Peter then said, removing his arm and grinning at you. Your heart slowly began to clamber back up to its new home in your throat. “Especially someone with such good taste as you!”

Your heart raced to your throat like a mountain goat on the hunt for the sweetest grass at the top of the mountain. With your heart came a rush of blood and warmth.

God, you really needed to get it together. You didn’t know how you were supposed to survive around such a sweet man, with such a bright personality.

Eventually, you and Peter made it to his apartment building, which was closer to the subway than your own. He kept you entertained for the short walk, regaling amusing stories from high school and college. You learned of his best friend and now roommate, Ned Leeds, rather early on in the conversation. And you learned that he absolutely adored his Aunt May.

Peter opened the door for you, and you thanked him with a dramatic bow of your upper body, your nerves tingling happily as he laughed and copied your gesture. He introduced you to the doorman (making you realize that this was a really nice building) before pressing the button to call the elevator.

“Geez, this is a nice building,” you remarked as you stepped into the elevator. “The elevator in my building has been out for like three months.”

Peter chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “Yeah, well, I haven’t told you about my full-time job yet.”

“I didn’t know a building this nice existed in Queens,” you muttered to yourself, though you were exaggerating just a little.

“I work for Stark Industries,” Peter stated, making your head snap over to him. “I-I started an internship when I was in high school,” he explained nervously, shuffling his feet. “And through college, I worked there too. And now I have a full job with Mrs. Potts-Stark.”

You tilted your head in thought, thoroughly impressed. “Wow, I knew you were smart, but damn, you’re a full-blown genius!”

Peter’s blush crept up the back of his neck and he shifted again, obviously sheepish. He muttered out a shy, “Thanks,” along with a sweet smile. “The great thing about my job, is that it actually leaves a lot of time for my creative endeavors. Mrs. Potts-Stark makes sure of it, actually; she’s very big on preventing burnout.”

“Stark Industries, man, they’re prestigious! I’ve always admired Mrs. Potts-Stark,” you continued as the elevator opened and you both walked out. “She’s one of the smartest people I’ve ever read about. She’s so strong, too. And not to mention Tony Stark. I always knew that he wasn’t as selfish as the media made him out to be; I once did research on Howard Stark, and honestly, Tony Stark, before and after developing weapons, makes so much psychological sense. Some people only point out his faults, like his ego or oversight. They say this like it makes him a bad man. I say that he was a great man, with his faults.”

Peter was staring at you, his jaw slightly agape, and there seemed to be tears in his eyes. Concerned, you stepped forward and tilted your head to look into his eyes.

“Peter? Are you okay?” you asked gently.

“Y-yeah,” he stuttered, closing his jaw. Slowly, a smile made its way to his cheeks. “I, um, I was very close with, with Mr. Stark. Sometimes, it’s hard to hear people talk about him like he was this perfect human, or like he was the worst man ever. But, just, hearing you talk about him like that? It means a lot. Y/N, it—it makes me so happy.”

Your hand twitched as you ached to wipe the happy tear from his cheek. You kept it down, instead pulling out a handkerchief and giving it to him. Peter took it from you and glanced between it and you before chuckling wetly.

“You owning a handkerchief is so on-brand,” he chuckled as he wiped his tears quickly. Quite unfairly, it almost looked like he’d never been crying at all.

You chuckled nervously and shifted your weight back and forth. “Sometimes, it makes life a lot easier.” As he tried to hand it back to you, you held up your hands and waved them a bit for added emphasis. “No, no, it’s okay. You keep it. I have… I have more at home,” you ended in a shy whisper, almost not wanting to say it aloud at all because you’d been made fun of before.

“How many?” Peter asked, no trace of malice in his voice. “Enough to be a proper damsel in distress?” This time, he grinned at you before turning to get to his apartment.

“I’m not a damsel,” you scoffed playfully. “Nor am I proper. I’m in distress at lot, but it’s mostly internal,” you chuckled. You waited behind Peter as he unlocked his apartment door (it was painted a dark red, and you quite liked it).

“I’ll have to introduce you to Pepper sometime,” Peter said as he let you inside. “I think you’d both get along really well.”

It was then that it really sunk in for you. You were about to go into the apartment of a man that you met just a few hours ago. While you were fairly certain Peter wasn’t a serial killer, you were worried about what this evening would bring. With your awkwardness, you thought it to be quite possible that the sweet and passionate Peter would kick you out.

[thewritingstar]

Guess I'll take one for the team number 1-30 Pls kind stae

1. What do you like and dislike about the way you were brought up?

-I liked how my parents never forced the “you’re gonna marry a man” thing on me. It was always “you’re going to marry someone who loved you no matter what and makes you happy” and that’s something I really appreciated. One thing I disliked was forcing me to go to church. It’s not a place for kids where they are forced to sit still for hours and be quiet and it was hard for someone like me where my focus isn’t as great.

2. What do you believe are the 5 biggest issues we face as humans now?

-global warming, lack of human morals, poverty, inequality between genders and races, the numbness people have with violence and how war and crime and shootings are seen as everyday things.

3. If you could write a novel what would it be about?

-fun fact I am writing a book now! I’m not gonna say what it’s about but it’s in the romance category and I hope that one day I’ll publish it!

4.  What are your beliefs regarding the universe and the nature of life and death?

-I think life and death are natural things and actually do have meaning and purpose but are in control of one another.

5. Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had. 

-hmm I think it was one where I was running down a hallway with stained glass shining on my face as my black ball gown was flowey.

6. Do you want children? Why or why not? 

-yes and no. A part of me would love to be a mom but another is me not wanting to raise a human being when I myself am not in the right space to do so. If anything I would love to adopt a teen or child instead of birth, cause that ain’t happening.

7. What are your views on gender equality? 

- 10000% for it. If we are not equal in the simplest way then there is a problem. No one should be treated badly or given less freedom and rights just for their gender whether they are cis,trans,non binary and everything in between. Equality is either for all or none at all.

8. How do you feel about cultural appropriation? 

-I think it’s disgusting but a lot of people won’t learn to tell the difference between cultural appreciation and appropriation. I think that for some cases people want to experience other cultures which is good but please be mindful and don’t do anything that could offend or harm anyone’s way.

9. Where are the 3 places you most want to travel to and why?

-Italy because it’s beautiful, Japan because it’s Japan and I’m kinda a weeb, Disney Shanghai because WOW HAVE YOU SEEN IT???

10. What are some things you wish you’d been taught as a child that you weren’t? 

-hmmm my parents were pretty open about things so I feel like I didn’t not know things. So idk for this one. Because what ever they didn’t teach me, they didn’t know themselves.

11. Talk about some of the biggest mistakes you’ve ever made?

-oof one time I drove through a red light thinking it was a stop sign

12. Do you feel you are in control of your destiny or do you believe fate controls the course of your life? 

-I would like to think I’m in control but there is definitely an influence of fate along these lines.

13. Do you believe is ghosts/ spirits? If so why do you think they exist?

-well for one whose to say they don’t? I don’t really think they do but I also don’t think they don’t ya know? I think it’s just a cool thought to think about the continuation of life after this time.

14. Do you think there are any other forms of intelligent life in the universe? 

-for sure. You are a fool if you don’t think so. It’s hard to wrap the mind around but imagine all the untapped potential that radiates out in space.

15. What do you think constitutes a truly healthy relationship?

-communication and desire. If you don’t wanna put in the time and work for a healthy realtionship, do not waste the other persons time

16. How would you like to live your life?

-full of happiness and pursuing what I want

17. Talk about a time someone treated you badly.

-growing up I’ve always been a victim of emotional abuse (not super harsh) but adults around me did not know that the stuff they had said hurt me. It’s hard when you don’t understand or know when you’re hurting something.

18. Talk about a time you treated someone else badly. 

-Hmm when ever I feel like I hurt someone’s feeling I always apologize. I guess maybe when I get angry I talk it out on my parents and act a little rude.

19. What is something you can’t do that you really wish you could? 

-idk be confident more. I just feel like I can’t but I know I can and should.

20. What are your initial thoughts when somebody tells you they’re religious? 

-I think it’s fine. I am not one to hate on someone for religious views. Now using your religion to belittle someone else does not go well with me but for the most part, it’s a beautiful thing that can bring people together and there’s no need to hate some one for their religion if they have one or not.

21. Were you more of the victim or the bully as a child? 

-probably a victim. I was teased by this one girl who I still hate after years and I always tried to be a nice person even if I didn’t get along with people but I probably have been rude to kids before because kids are ruthless.

22. How have you changed since you were a child and how have you stayed the same? 

-I’ve stayed the same i guess in my childlike wonder and ability to find the best in things. I’ve changed in a lot of ways. I notice and identify when something is right. Plus my anxiety has changed since I was younger.

23. Are you the kind of person who has a large group of friends or are you someone who has just a few people they’re close to? 

-I have a mixture. My group of friends consist of like 5 people but we are all extremely close and then I have another group of friends that I’m close with but not at that level. I’m just a friendly person

24. What qualities have you got from your parents? 

-my dads hard work and determination and my moms laughter

25. What is one thing you wish somebody would say to you right now? 

-drink some water and eat better you dehydrated slut

26. Describe your ideal partner? 

-I think someone who is compassionate and has a good sense of humor. I just want someone where they can make me laugh even when I feel broken. Also good hair. Like if you have that panic! Haircut, it does not matter who you are, I will instantly be attractive to you.

27. Describe yourself as a person?

-I would like to say that I am a caring and generous person who is always ready with a quick comeback and jokes. But even when I’m smiling I am burdened with mental illness that helps my delivery with puns. Im also kinda short.

28. What things don’t you do right now that you feel like you morally should? 

-I feel like I should volunteer more even though I don’t have time and spent a lot of my childhood helping at cancer volunteer stuff.

29. What is your star sign and how accurate do you think it is in describing you?

-Aries. If you met me then you probably would think so too. I mean even on here you could probably sense that I was a fire sign lol.

30. What sort of terms are you on with your exes? 

-I’ve never dated anyone so I don’t have an ex but you better believe that I would be that ex that still gets invited to things because the family loves me.

[weltenwellen]

My dream was to study psychology (not to become a therapist, but maybe marketing or neuroscience idk). My therapist told me not to do it due to my own mental health. Now I‘m doing something I hate, feeling the most suicidal I‘ve ever felt bc I know I will never get to do the one thing I allowed myself to want. I‘ve accepted that many things are out of my reach and I am not even allowed to wish for them, eg to have friends, a relationship and now my dream subject, but how can you live like that?

i am very sorry that your therapist pushed you to not pursue the career you wanted to. i find it a possible argument to make that mental illness could be a reason to not choose to study psychology, but personally speaking i study educational sciences and it has psychology in it and even though i struggle with it sometimes, in the last year it helped me also to understand my own therapy and push further to get a better state of mind. i would say it depends maybe on the mental illness you have. i think mental illness is not “controllable” but when you take the necessary steps to understand it, to work towards healing, working in a psychology field in your career is not something i would say is impossible.

i know how much it hurts when you’ve made choices based on other people’s opinion because your mental illness makes you so susceptive to not having to choose on your own because your mind is constantly telling you how unreliable you are and how wrong everything is you do and when you get to a better mental space later, maybe even years later, it hurts so much to look at where you currently are because you’ve chosen irreversible paths... because you did not trust yourself. i don’t know your story or your therapist but it should have been very clear that it would possibly be a risky choice to study psychology but it would be your choice. i know through the things you share and the vulnerability there is a unique trust in your therapist and how it has a high influence in regards to making choices. but i believe a therapist should be encouraging towards challenges and not make decision for you. it is hard sometimes to remind yourself that they are just people, like anybody else and not all therapist are good. but i believe therapy is good and helpful! 

i am terribly sorry also that you are feeling suicidal. what you’ve also written what i find interesting is that you’ve accepted that you have given up on having friends and relationships. i think if it is not possible for you to study psychology, i think you could find a lot of healing in relationships. don’t set yourself barries on what is impossible. there are so many unique and incredible human beings out there that are struggling with the same things you are struggling with and i am sure would love to spend time with you. build yourself a personal space for relationships, with lots of love. there is so much joy in that. i know it is so difficult to not remain attached to the regret and sadness of making the wrong choices and to remain retracing the same lifelines that are in your eyes the wrong ones for you, but you don’t have to be stuck there. and there are so many choice yet to come that could be beautiful and life altering to you if could stop denying yourself joy and laughter and all the small amount of light that come from finding things and people to love. don’t give up on yourself, please. 

you don’t have to have big plans for the future, you don’t have have everything figured out, just don’t close yourself off and just let a little bit of sunlight in every day and let life back in again... because coming to your question of “how can you live like that?” i would say: you can’t, but you can find another way to live and promise once you get there, it will be ok.

all my love to you and i am sending you lots of warmth and comfort <3