#idk what the fuck i’m supposed to do
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#what do you you#when you’ve lost your person#and only one of your friends is willing and/or able to talk to you#probably cuz you’re too much of a downer lately#but fuck man depression and grief will do that to you#i just feel so isolated and sad still#despite trying to reach out more#i’m burnt out#my friends are burnt out#idk what the fuck i’m supposed to do#just disappear i guess#idfk
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going to bed early (1am instead of 2am) because i can’t fucking complete this challenge in genshin so i’m giving up for the night
#this fucking challenge in genshin almost made me cry out frustration#i can’t fucking compete it on time. i’m so fucking pissed off.#and it’s not one of those challenges you can just ignore. it’s a story challenge#idk what the fuck i’m supposed to do#i hate when video games get like this#where i literally have no possible way of completing it#i’m so frustrated
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Yesterday there was a guy that was probably on some drugs just spread out on the ground while I was driving and I panicked and almost swerved the car TOWARDS him and my sister had to grab the wheel and scream at me to break which feels very Pony and Darry core 🙂↕️
#I’m a fucking hazard on the road idk why they trust me to drive#dw guys I didn’t swerve enough to hit him#I saw him get arrested tho#buddy was definitely on something#pony was screaming asking what he was supposed to do and Darry was scared pony was abt to kill someone#and get arrested or smth#yknow that god the cop didn’t see my driving#I don’t have a liseance 🧍♂️#the outsiders#the outsiders 1983#ponyboy curtis#darry curtis
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#me#if you can’t beat them join them I suppose#I’m having a fucking panic attack posting this idk why I’m even doing it#I think I look good at least#but what am I doing.
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My college campus is like. Sorry but we actually can’t fill your adderall prescription at our pharmacy. And I was like oh bc of the shortage? And they’re like nooo we just don’t want to.
Like oh sick ok. Thanks
#said ‘it has to be prescribed by a primary care doctor’#and I was like. it’s prescribed by my PSYCHIATRIST.#yknow. those doctors w an EXPERTISE in psychoactive medication.#and they’re like yeah sorry it has to be the doctor who doesn’t know shit about that actually :/ For Student Safety#I might ask my disability rep what the fuck I’m supposed to do w that idk#even though I’m pretty sure it’s not really her area of knowledge#I mean worst comes to worst I can just go off campus to a different pharmacy. it’s just annoying
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ayo!! i’m so fed up
#staring at the google doc like Does anyone even care. Do i even care#and i DO. and i know i do#idk what about this particular bout of writer’s block is getting me so badly#i’m just like. isk#it’s not even like. i’m generally not too self conscious about my writing#like i like it i think it’s decent#but for some reason this Fucking Fic. and everything it represents#i’m just like WOW so crazy how you are the worst. do i even speak english. this is so crazy!#and this was literally supposed to be a quick little tolerance break fic in between longer projects#and instead all i have is 2k and self loathing#it’s fine. it’ll be fine. i’m gonna shower ☹️
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I miss my dear sweet buddy python that u can just sort of fuck around & find out. With C++ it’s fuck around & …
…”so u have chosen DEATH??”
#funnily enough my problem isn’t exactly with C++ currently#it’s this fuckin incomprehensible assignment instruction#even I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing so how can I tell my poor old computer exactly what to do#istg surprisingly big chunk of coding is trying to figure out what the fuck it is that ppl want from you I hate this sometimes#like why the fuck can’t u just make it clear what we’re supposed to do this is stupid enough as is#’’time how long it takes’’ how long WHAT takes ?????????#ppl have been in the course gc asking but guess!! guess!!!!! if they gave a clear answer#’’time it so u can answer the questions’’ motherfuckerrrr i dont know what u want me to answer to bc idk what functionality u want like fUc#but like some ppl have gotten it so maybe I’m just dumb !! :)#very probable I fucking don’t get it#april 2024#2024
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fucking love being forced to take accountability and apologize for having emotions in a situation where my aunt is dying because evidently it’s never excusable to get angry when you’re pushed. it’s never fine to get upset when someone literally says to you ‘well we’ve all lost people’ when you mention that you’re losing your second mother.
#ooc. o kaptain.#negativity /#[me: well when someone says something like that what are you supposed to do just take it and move on???? my uncle: yeah that’s what life is.#i mean if you’re in the most toxic fucking situation imaginable yeah that sure is what life is?? ‘I’m isolating everyone’ because#when everyone is telling me what to do and refuses to acknowledge my grief. my brother literally asked ‘so when are you supposed to grieve’#and the answer is??? never you’re never supposed to you’re just supposed to traumatize yourself through an event and then wonder why the#grief is suffocating. except because you didn’t… process or talk about any of it? the fact that the concept of family to some extent is#like… share your accomplishments act like you like each other and then go home and live totally separate lives that don’t intersect until#the next holiday or tragedy. and i have been doing this by. my. self. but nah man no ones allowed to have a breaking point.#like you guys wonder why our aunt suddenly died and we all turned around and went OH MY GOSH???? it’s because idk no one encourages healthy#communication in this family. you hold in all your suffering until you fucking die and then everyone acts like it’s a devastating tragedy.]#death /
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my mom be like
My mom: I’m not forcing you to be a vegetarian.
Me: Then can I eat meat?
My mom: Lol no.
#vegetarian#parents are weird#parents#parents suck#idk#idk how to tag this#how do i tag this#i suck at tags#hello again#annoying#idk what im doing#idk what else to tag#wtf#like wtf#my mom#my mother#what the fuck#what the hell#what the heck#is this too many tags?#is this enough tags#I’m supposed to be doing homework right now#Im supposed to be doing homework right now#im back#missed me?#i forgot tumblr existed
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i lost the post but i saw someone talking about how some of y’all act like being weird is a choice and like. YEAHHHHHHH.
that’s fine, it might be for you. but i just live like this and don’t know any other way. like yeah i’ve worked customer service, i can do innocuous small talk, but anything beyond that, i don’t understand what i’m missing. and it’s frustrating to see the tonal disconnect especially from people who are like “uwu embrace weirdness!!” where they’re like. dressing quirky and talking about bugs and listening to obscure music and eschewing small talk to ask Deep Questions on the first date and unlearning their tendency to not infodump. and generally have an idea of what Weirdness is supposed to look like. idk man some of us wake up and get out of bed and can’t figure out why the rest of their coworkers chitchat with each other but when they join the conversation it dies.
weirdness is value neutral. let’s stop trying to turn it into a badge because quite frankly, it’s not a choice for everyone. it’s fucking exhausting to never be on the same wavelength as other people and they’re going to react the way they do and label you the way they will without any conscious actions on your end. it’s difficult to talk about this without feeling like you’ll be dismissed as immature, a teenager whining “no one understands me” but the thing is. sometimes you don’t grow out of feeling alone and different, and there’s no good way to talk about it without feeling like people will think you’re just fishing for pity.
#most of it is stuff i can’t help like!!!#coworkers and i don’t share a lot of interests so i’m always like. yes i’ve heard of that show but haven’t seen it. no idk that band sorry#and they’ll like. talk shit abt other people who share my interests without realizing that i also like those things#so i just have to sit there and take it#i feel like i don’t have a lot in common with my friends even. a few shared interests but very different lives#in my experience the conscious choice has been to try to keep up with what’s popular but it’s just. not interesting to me#i got bored and forgot to finish s2 of stranger things and never picked it back up#even alt subcultures have gone kinda mainstream and i never quite slot in#let’s not even touch the gay culture ‘flags’ that are extremely online and unrelatablr#and the most frustrating thing. every time i try to talk about myself and my interests i feel people shutting down#one person i know. open mouth sighs in exasperation when i open my mouth#i don’t know why you’re making it my problem that we’re different#i know there is supposed to be a niche out there for everyone but some of that feels like#those niches are falling prey to marketability. if you’re too far out of the mainstream. too out of touch. it can’t be helped#a lot of messaging online is like. embrace weirdness but only if it’s subversive in a very specific way#too normal to hang out with self-proclaimed proud weirdos. too weird to hang out with normies#like i thought the thing was to disavow performativity. i’m sorry i don’t find the same things interesting#i don’t care about the office and you don’t care about the hundred years’ war. that’s fine. why is that seen as a personal fault of mine#i feel like some of the reaction i get might be bc it comes across as hipster shit. idk#i’m literally just oblivious and looking for any kind of indicator for social interaction#but so often it feels like the onus of finding common ground is on me. i have to listen abt things idk but no one cares what i have to say#i think what makes it more frustrating is this reaction from people who claim to not care. do their own thing#and then get annoyed when i do mine and it’s. different#instead of being like ‘fuck the mainstream! conformity is bullshit! be yourself!’ it’s like#‘fuck the mainstream because it doesn’t appeal to me personally and i’ve made my own club!’#and this is not going to come out right because i’m just at my limit and venting and don’t know how to say things the right way#so people don’t misunderstand me#i just happen to never like the Right Things and know the Right Things and act the Right Way and idk how else to say it other than#can we be more normal about weird people#idk it’s hard to talk abt this without sounding like i’m just complaining but i’m more bewildered and trying to state things as i see them
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I hate having a transphobic family sm
#I used to think ‘yeah they’re transphobic which obviously sucks but at least I’m a girl so I don’t have to worry abt them not accepting me’#but then BAM#I don’t think I’m completely a girl and wanna use he/him pronouns#what the fuck am I supposed to do now 😭😭#this is so frustrating I hate it#sleep vents#tw vent#kind of#it’s mainly just venting in tags#trans#kind of. idk if I wanna call myself trans I just want to be a boy and a girl#which probably fits under the trans umbrella but idk
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Okay I’m potentially into this. Also London’s motherhouse? Maybe David will be there?
#idk how I feel about that since I feel like if different writers do the initial character establishing work for David#that DRAMATICALLY decreases the chances they will make any interesting changes to his backstory#like there’s a difference between damage control changes and ones that actually add depth and texture and meaning#damage control wrt to louis would have been like. he’s still a white man from the 1700s but he no longer owned slaves. fixed#AND THINK HOW FUCKING BORING THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN IN COMPARISON TO WHAT WE GOT UGHHHHH#sorry this post was supposed to be about how I’m tentatively optimistic about the talamasca show#but I talked myself into a state of doomerism in the tags fnfmmcmfm
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okay what i have to say is lowkey embarrassing but i wanna bitch and it’s probably only embarrassing to me bc im shy about this stuff anyways the moral of the story is i wanna bitch and u should probably just ignore me. god bless
#honestly halfway through the wedding i did see this guy i thought was rlly cute#like. REALLY cute (so fucking embarrassing)#but i’m too shy to talk to hot people and i’ve never approached anyone before and no one’s ever approached me so i don’t know what to do#idk how to talk to people to begin with let alone like. try to flirt or something#but as the night went on (this is so embarrassing) for some reason i literally couldn’t stop looking at him (kill me)#and he probably definitely noticed me looking at him so he probably thinks im some like. crazy creep or something#but like usually when i see someone attractive im just like oh wow and admire them from afar#but i COULDNT STOP LOOKING AT HIM! WHY! and for some reason i felt like i just really wanted to talk to him#but i didn’t know what to do! i just felt this urge to go try and start a conversation but i just. i couldn’t#and every time i thought i would work up the courage either my sister or my grandmother would come back and hover over me#and i didn’t wanna be like ‘sorry gotta go i need to go embarrass myself in front of this cute guy’#OR he would get up and start taking pictures again. it’s like he knew#he wasn’t even the official photographer he was just one of the guests who clearly wanted to take photos of his friends wedding. which like#is so endearing to me. he has HOBBIES. WOW. (kill me)#idk j can’t even put everything into words i just feel like screaming into a pillow AAAAAAUGHHH#i felt like i was in hs again there was a point i even excused myself to step outside just because he was out there#but he was talking to some old lady. so i was just sitting outside in the grass moping#i feel so stupid i dunno. why am i so worked up about this. i had a few opportunities to approach him and i didnt. because im an idiot#i feel like i’m down so bad which is so STUPID because i don’t even know his name and ill never see him again in my life#so it doesn’t even matter! and every time im like oh oh well it was just random infatuation clearly it wasn’t meant to be#but then i just get upset and all blushy cause he was SO CUTE! and i wanna know more about him! why!#i haven’t felt like this in FOREVER i just feel so stupid for even feeling this way#i know ill be fine in a few days or something but im just like. i wish i could have at least spoken to him once#sigh. idk what’s wrong with me#maybe he’s already dating someone anyways all the cute people seem to already be in relationships#except ME im the only one left. who am I supposed to date!!#i want to jump out the window#snow.txt
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i think my mum’s concerned about how much screaming i’ve been doing for this econ assignment…
#i’ve been telling al day and she tried to get me to take a break and i nearly started crying on the spot#edit cause idk what autocorrect was doing but it was supposed to say screaming all day not telling al day#me :)#also#texted ANOTHER friend and she gave me the answer thank fuck#i love her sm i’m attending her class from now on
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listen i know gwen is definitely flawed but all the anti gwen fics i’ve read are like
“she rolled her eyes and scoffed then she talked way too loud and told everyone their feelings didn’t matter and then she punched ianto in the face and then accidentally blew up the hub”
like. bro.
#like i said criticism is valid but i have two points#a. ALL OF THEM ARE DEEPLY FLAWED#that is the WHOLE THING#that’s like what it show IS#AND THEY CHANGE AS IT GOES ON#gwen is awkward and annoying as fuck at the beginning of the show because SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BE#ITS THE POINT#b. idk maybe i’m wrong and i’m not saying that everyone who doesn’t like her is misogynistic#HOWEVER#whenever people like#REALLY hate a character because she’s like annoying or too obsessed with her children or her boyfriend or she’s too empathetic or emotional#i do raise an eyebrow#because i don’t see people hating any characters who are men like this#i’m sure it’s happened somewhere#and everyone is entitled to their opinion#but like#something to consider#i feel the same about everyone hating jj#that one is worse i think but that needs its own post#because YIKES#torchwood#gwen cooper
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AND THEN SHE DOES A SWEET THING. and the guilt comes crashing back over me.
#she is not a villain. she is a deeply wounded person.#and she loves me so much and that’s what makes this so much fucking harder.#because i love her too. and the idea of hurting her is fucking sickening.#but !!! idk what the fuck i’m supposed to do!!!!!!!#izzy.txt
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