#idk what i am doing i am sleep deprived bye

[tiredsmashbros]

SMG34: LIPBITE COMIC WIP UPDATE

oh boy... i know a bunch of folks are hyped for this comic... and boy oh boy are ya'll's prayers going to be heard... kind of... butt for the celebration milestone, and granted majority are from this comic, i thought it was best to give EVERYTHING that i have currently.

starting off STRONG with what you freaks most want: the completed pages. andddd yep that's it that all that i have done LMAO. i've been fixated on my own smg4 oc: tsb, and during the end of my summer was unfortunately fucked over by some personal issues that fortunately got resolved last minute good grief the anxiety prevented me from drawing the gays sigh... aNYWAYS LINEART WIPS!!!!

here are linearts i have completed / in the progress of!! want to aim like i did in the past by finishing up lineart first, and then speed through with color + minor rendering. the reason i have a few colored is to test out what it would look polished and my god... i have improved A LOT. THESE GAY PEOPLE GIVE POWER I AM NOT KIDDING BELIEVE ME IM NOT CRAY- anyways onto wip pages!

jumpscare: tsb stickman sketches. oh yeah. this is how i sketch and i blame sensei eiichiro oda /j. and in case anyone is unable to understand it {i don't blame u LMAO}, smg4 wakes up from the dream and is startled to see mario by his bed. they have a short convo before mario leaves, and we get a job to smg4 in the bathroom trying to put up a brave face. until the moment he leaves he's stunned due to seeing smg3 at his front door. will i elaborate more on specifics or unwritten dialogue? NOPE! gotta keep secrets to make it even more enjoyable at the end!!

currently at 13 sketched pages total, but this is probably gonna be reaching towards 20-ish pages, surpassing part two, but it will depend on how i come up with how to end it. additionally to confirm there will be a PART FOUR / chapter 3, to end this story. my goal is to have it done before i finish my senior year, or at least during the summer after i graduate bc good lord who knows whats gonna happen.

and lastly, before i end this crazy update, SCRAPPED PAGESSS!!!!!

CONTENT WARNING : NSFW SKETCHES !!!! PLEASE LOOK AWAY IF YOU ARE A MINOR OR DON'T LIKE THIS TYPE OF STUFF!!!

oh boy... dont draw comics while sleep-deprived at 6am... idek what i was even aiming with this ngl other than just for fun, but i scrapped it due to not being what i had in mind for the story. if it doesn't serve a purpose or narrative, its bye bye YEAH BYE BYE THIS IS THE CLOSEST NSFW UR GONNA GET FROM ME HAHAHAHAHA- i say that despite writing a nsfw jojo wattpad smh im only confident doing it in words good lord. btw not watermarking these bc i gen don't care since they're legit scrapped {left top part was kept and completed} so idk what to do with these. im just throwing it and walkin away

now to end with this update, i can hear your question, "when will this be done?" and to answer that question: i'm not entirely sure due to my heavy focus on my smg4 oc: tsb, but my best chance is postponing my oc lore a bit and complete this before november UOIYGJDSIUHJKDWSXYUGHJKCS but we shall have too see...

if you want to join the ping list comment on this post LMAO [click]

ignore below if you're not from the tsb birthday partydddjdhdhdjd

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...

...

thurs: smg34 is canon in the tsb universe / au. though most of their encounters are platonic or best-friendy-way, they eventually express their feelings to one another and start dating 3/4’s way of the tsb storyline arc. tsb is a supporter of his friend's relationship and admires and takes inspiration from their relationship heavily to input his future love life. yearning to be in a similar position... to learn what is to really love someone... or what it's truly like to be loved...

[alittlebitofeverything04]

Quick Post

Hey guys. Gonna be calling these little posts quick posts (Q.P.). Idk but my brain feels the need to organize this blog a little.

Recently watched the new season of squid game and like many, very much enjoyed it and a little frustrated at the ending, even your supposed to be. But I’ll save my other thoughts for the Post of the Day.

For now, I wanted to talk about Dae Ho and his character. Absolutely loved, even in his fumble in the ending. SPOILERS FROM HERE.

When he started shaking at the gunshots, I already knew where his character was heading. And I must say as someone with PTSD herself, I completely understand his actions. But am also frustrated with them as well. But it’s what it’s supposed to be like for someone watching in the outside. Until you’re in a situation like that or have been through what he’s been through, then you understand why he froze up in the end but it doesn’t mean you don’t have to be frustrated with it. It’s something I’ve experienced from both the outside and inside, making something like PTSD properly executed and shown to the audience. I’ll go into more detail about it but this little thing about Dae Ho is why I can’t hate him and will be defending him as my full time job now. Loved his character and loved his execution. Great job as always Squid Game.

Also, I’ll be posting my Heart Killers Ep 6 and 7 review on Wednesday since I forgot to do it yesterday and I got A LOT to say. Sorry about the wait guys but thanks for sticking around. Can’t wait to go more in depth and sorry this wasn’t as quick/short as I wanted. Sorry I’m like lowkey sleep deprived writing this. Ok now I’m done. Bye!

[lemonlover1110]

LORDDD IM SORRY FOR GOING CAPS BUT I JUST AM SO OVER THE ROOF RN IDK WHAT ELSE TO SAY, YOUR WORKS ARE BETTER THAN HEROIN IN VEINS , I WAS SO HOOKED ON YOUR TUMBLR STORIES ESPECIALLY CHANGES??? AND THEN I DOWNLOADED AO3 JUST TO READ YOUR WORK AND FOUND MATRIMONY???? AND THAT SHIT HAD ME SCREAMING AT 4AMS, LIKE IM JUST LAYING READING IT ON MY BED AND SO MANY EMOTIONS WILL RUN THROUGH MY BED THAT ILL SPRING UP AND START THROWING MY HANDS IN THE AIR (IM JUST THAT DRAMATIC), I FINISHED MATRIMONY AND WAS CRAVING SO FCKING BADLY FOR SOMETHING SIMILAR I WAS PRAYING I FORGOT THE WHOLE SERIES SO I COULD RE READ?? BUT THEN I FOUND "A PEARL" ND OH LAWDDD I LITERALLY RAN IN, TOOK ME TWO DAYS BUT I COMPLETED IT TOSSING AND TURNING ON MY BED BARELY ABLE TO FOCUS ON ANY OTHER STUFF I HD TO DO. AS THE LAST CHAP ENDED I HELD MY BREATH AND PROMISED MYSELF TO START THE SEQUEL NEXT DAY BUT I WAS SO OVER THE EDGE AT THT POINT I ENDED UP READING ATLEAST 2 MORE CHAPS OF THE SEQUEL BEFORE FORCING MYSELF TO SLEEP COZ IT WAS ABOUT TO BE 5AM HERE?? 😭😭😭 OH MY GAWD IM SO HOOKED RN, I EVEN SAVED "ALL I NEED" IN MY TO READS. I JUST DONT EVEN CARE AT THIS POINT WHICH CHARACTER'S STORY YOU ARE WRITTING THE SERIES ON (aside from fact im slut for em all) I JUST GO FOR IT, THE WAY YOU WRITE ANGSTTT, THE WAY I FEEL THE PANG IN MY HEART AS THE ANGST LITERALLY SMOTHERS ME BEFORE ALL THE HAPPY ENDINGS WASHES OVER ME LIKE RAIN ON A DRYASS LAND, LITERALLY MY HEAVEN. YOUR WORKS DISTRACT ME TO THE POINT IM WAY TOO BUSY TO GAF ABOUT LYING AROUND BEING SAD AND DEPRESSED. TYSM FOR EVERYTHING YOU MAKE, I LOVE THEM SM, I LOVE U SM TY FOR ALL YOUR HARDWORK. I DIDNT MEAN IT TO BE THIS LONG BUT I JUST HAD TO SAY THIS, YOUR WORKS ARE LIKE CRACKS IN MY 4AMS. ILL STOP I SOUND LIKE IM ON CRACK FR NOW BUT IM JUST SLEEP DEPRIVED BYE !

- cupid 💌

AHHHH THANK YOU SO MUCH CUPID, IM GLAD THAT YOU ENJOY MY WRITING AND MY ANGSTY STORIES❤️

[galadriiel]

there is a very fine line between "alright i'm pretty exhausted and i'm way past caring about anything so i might as well use this time to email back someone i've been ignoring for weeks seeing as i'm not riddled with anxiety for once" and "i'm actually high on exhaustion and spouting bullshit and shouldn't be allowed anywhere near my phone" and i toe it almost every night but i only ever know whether i crossed it the next morning when i face the consequences of my actions

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

Haha oh my god! Thank you for your answer! I’m anon from yesterday night by the way and I’m happy you liked reading it, I felt so bad about spamming but I just felt like I was literally spinning out of control ... I, by the way, only slept for an hour and for the entire time I was at work had this exact experience: oh my god cockles is real .... I go and do something ... I forget ... 5 minutes pass .... OH MY GOD COCKLES IS REAL and this just OVER AND OVER AND OVER again I was just ... I couldn’t BELIEVE it I was grinning like an idiot and a fool, maybe also from sleep deprivation, probably yeah, but also because ... I can’t believe cockles is real. And I thought about it more and about the confession scene, too... about how great it must have been to film that as well, for Misha to actually be able to say, in front of the world, to Jensen even if just through his character “I love You.” Like ... that’s so ... I’m happy they at least had that. I am. I will also say all of the Alma poetry, I read it all multiple times and it sliced my heart open every single time. Ugh.

But yeah. I just cannot tell you how many moments I had today throughout my day where my brain was just like .... cockles is fucking real wtf... like, because as I’ve said of course I’ve known them and I knew of the ship for years (btw finally figured out that in order to write cursive on tumblr you gotta click on the word for long instead of _doing this_ anyway). But it never ever felt real and genuinely, today every time I remembered, I felt as if I had been told, like, Aliens are real. Like it just changed my perspective of everything I was like wtf ... How did I not know and how is this actually real. It’s so crazy. That’s all I can say. I really wonder how I’ll feel about it all when I had like 12 hours of sleep and my brain has like processed it ... if the high will still be there and if the “OMG” moments will... because right now they’re still just sometimes so intense! And I CANNOT BELIEVE. And I am overwhelmed and overjoyed and like confused and?? Yeah. I also thought about, and sorry I know no one asked for this but I still am just so 😳 about this - I thought about what it was that actually solidified it in my mind and I boiled it down to these few: the almost kiss on stage where ruth wags their finger at them. the MATCHING RINGS and bracelets. the little like .. exhibitiony stuff they do that really has no other explanation, like their showing underwear, straddling, giving a GLIMPSE of underwear .. getting boners bc of it ... yeah. Then also the gifs with that fucking tree in the foreground and the picture of Jensen draped over Misha as he’s signing stuff. Also the Hitch kiss, Jensens face BEFORE and after ... and the moments when Jensen uses very ambiguous pronouns and language to describe his love of his life or rather loves: the pebble-rock thing and the one where he talks about knowing two kinds of love and being in-between and them and loving his partner and teammate. Could sound like one person, but also two. And then a huge thing for me was Alma. Fuck, that just really made me go .. this shit is real. Amplified by the fact that the poetry is so beautiful and heartwrenching. And of course all of the gifs then made it all the more solid. The thigh touches, lingering hands, their STUPID LOVING GRINS, Jensens unicorn laugh ... the EYES LIKE THE SKY BEER. Also is it crazy to anyone else how much “Watching over you” sounds like it’s about Cas? Sort of a good bye nod to his character? Maybe? OH and all the shifty eyes, the blushing and Uncomfy looks whenever someone(mostly Jared) implies something, it’s so .... crazy. And obvious. And idk how I only just saw it yesterday I really don’t but I’m glad I do now. I really feel enlightened haha. I feel like some part of me has finally found peace and I really don’t have an urge to like .. read every single destiel fanfiction ever anymore, it really feels like there was an itch that just got scratched because we WEREN’t CRAZY we weren’t imagining their chemistry... it wasn’t that all of our, like people skills and emotional intelligence just got wiped every time we watched SPN and that’s why we all got this specific vibe from them of LOVE and admiration and awe and just CHEMISTRY when it wasn’t there .... IT WAS THERE! It was and it ... yeah. It was. It is. Anyway, I will now shower and then sleep until my brain has assumed solid form again ... until then ... thank you again for the lovely answer and for compiling all your posts and lists! ... Let’s all just (respectfully) keep spreading the love!

Ahhh I JUST read the notes on my post and you guys are so lovely ❤️❤️❤️. Thank you, I am so happy i am not the only one who went through this crazy ride haha! It’s lovely to read that my middle-of-the-night, out of my mind with excitement rambling actually reached people who share my excitement :D !!

hello, dear, it's good to hear from you again! i'm glad you survived work and that you're going to be getting a lot of sleep now! i've been on the cockles truthing train since 2013 and i still sometimes get all emotional about it, so i really can't imagine how ingesting the whole thing in one night would make one's brain explode and ascend to a higher plane of existence. 😂

but we're glad to have you as part of the club, and yes, honestly, the cockles fandom has got to be the nicest, purest one i've ever been in. the people are very chill and there's exceptionally little drama. we're all just stoned on love and happiness lmao.

get some rest and let your brain process everything, and we'll talk again later 😉

[starlyte-writes]

I blame my sister for all of this. And yes I wrote this at 3 in the morning. Sorry I ramble so much I’m nervous :”)

Also the picture I used is by @dingodoodles who is also the creator of Sips (the monkey in the picture) and makes the animations I talk about in this and just go check her out her stuff is amazing! (She’s on YouTube and Tumblr and maybe Instagram? Possibly Twitter? Idk)

Here’s a close captioning in case anyone needs it! Forgive my mumbling:

~~~

Uh oh, it’s that time again! Star’s Addicted To Something o’clock...not the greatest name, but that’s not the point.

So, um, hello Tumblr! This is the first time you’ve heard my voice, and I swear there’s a reason as to why you’re hearing my very pubescent voice. Recently, as you might’ve guessed, I hopped into another fandom, and this time, it was D&D! Aka Dungeons and Dragons

Now, what’s so important about that? ...I mean, nothing really, but while trying to find resources and get into D&D properly, which can I add is kinda hard when none of your friends play D&D so you have no help but the internet. Um, *cough* anyway, while I searched, one of my family friends told me about a YouTuber he watches named @dingodoodles​!

She’s this amazing animator on YouTube who has a series where she, um, she animates and tells the main events of a campaign she did with her friends called Fools Gold. And boy did I get addicted to it. Love the characters, the art style, the story line is great, not to mention it’s really funny! Like seriously go check her out even if you’re not into D&D you won’t regret it.

Uh, moving on, why is this important? Well, it really isn’t, but my sibling insisted on posting this and tagging Dingo. So, Dingo, if you are actually hearing this...I’m so sorry.

Basically, I write songs. Sorta. It’s more of an unprofessional hobby, but I do it nonetheless. And after a bad day I had binged the Fools Gold series, and then I had to go to bed. But I couldn’t sleep. Why? Because... at 3 in the morning... I was too busy thinking about Sips and how great he is.

Don’t judge me! I- I mean *nervous laughter* how can you not love Sips? He’s just a great character, and chaotic good characters are always my favorite so ssh. So yes, at 3 am, very sleep deprived, I was thinking about Sips... the monkey, and then I was thinking about possible characters I’d wanna play maybe if I ever got into D&D.

Such as a bard. And then my mind came up with the brilliant idea of “a theme song for Sips, bard style.” And no I don’t know what bard style means but here you go. This is *unsure laughter* “Sips the Monkey,” written by me at 3 am. Again Dingo... I am so sorry.

“*ukulele strumming*

*singing* Sips the Monkey, he’s pretty funky, he can cast magic but it’s sometimes wonky.

So powerful watch how his enemy flees. He’s got a best friend who’s a thing named Sneeze!

Though he’s so unlucky, you’ll constantly say jeez!

It’s Sips the Monkey!!!”

*awkward pause* 

*talking* ...that’s it. I... I seriously don’t know why I’m doing this, I’m sorry I rambled for so long, and once again Dingo if you heard this...I, just, sorry, also I love your stuff.

Okay, bye.

~~~

I’m also gonna make an audio with just the song in case no one wants to hear me ramble. I hope y’all thought this was as funny as my sister did, and honestly this song won’t get out of my head now so I hope you enjoyed!

Later! (i promise I’ll get back to posting soon)

[wave2love]

Bakugo x Reader lmaosifhsnfk

                                                ⊹˙₊˚. ໑ ˚₊˙⊹꒷꒥.₊‧˚

                                          BG story and stuff idk :

You and Bakugo, or I dare say Katsuki, had been dating for a few months. He was always his usual annoyed self with everyone. You never found it weird because he was always nice to you, even when you were little. You were quirkless, just like your best friend Izuku, or just Izu as you liked to call him. Katsuki's attitude wasn't an unusual thing either, he would bully Izu for being quirkless. You didn't understand why he did so, so you would make him stop and apologise to poor Izuku then hang out with both of them. Whenever you would only hang out with Izu. Katsuki would get jealous and yell at Izu. You all went to school with each other and you cared for both of them equally, or so you thought. Once you all got into U.A., Izu and Katsuki both got into class 1-A while you were in gen-ed. sorry the bg info is so long!! I got too into it and that happened :sobs:

                                   ₊꒦︶︶꒷‧˚₊ ꒰ ᐢ｡- ༝ -｡ᐢ ꒱ ₊꒦︶︶꒷‧˚

                                                ⊹˙₊˚. ໑ ˚₊˙⊹꒷꒥.₊‧˚

"Y/N!" You heard someone yell your name, it was Izuku. It was Saturday morning, and you and him planned on hanging out at the mall. "Hi Izu! Let's get going, shall we?" You say with a smile."Yes we shall, N/N." Izuku replies, as you and him start walking through the mall.

              ꒷꒦ ₊ ੭ *Timeskip brought to you by laziness <3 ₊ ੭ *

While you were shopping, you saw Katsuki. "OI' KATSUKI!" You yelled at your pomeranian boyfriend to get his attention. He and another boy, who knew you as Kirishima turned your way. You waved and gave him a smile while walking over to him. "Hey Katsuki!" "Oh hey, Y/N, what are you doing here?" A small blush coming over his cheeks as he questioned. "I'm just here doing some shopping with Izu!" You say as you point at Izuku. After you point, you notice Katsuki's face turned from a pink flust to a angry frown. "Tch. Why are you hanging out with that damn nerd." He emphasizes the annoyance in his voice and tone, "We're leaving." He then picks you up with only an arm holding you in place on his shoulder. "H-hey! Katsuki, put me down!" You whined. "No, we're leaving." "Ugh, fine! Bye Izu!" You yelled as you saw Izuku wave goodbye at you. "Bye, shitty hair." Your boyfriend ended with to Izuku. "Now let's go, dumbass." "Let's go I guess..."

꒷꒦ timeskip brought to you by i am is terrible at writing and has no clue what this plot is ₊ ੭ *

You woke up in a familiar place, it was Katsuki's dorm. You are dazy, but you thought to yourself, 'I probably passed out while he was carrying me.' As you look at Katsuki, who was doing what it looked like doing his homework and listening to music. You decided to get out of his bed and go over to bother him."Katsukiiii!" You poked at his face, and he lifted up his headphones with a annoyed expression."Tch. You're finally awake, took you long enough." "Hey! It's not my fault I'm sleep deprived, and it's easy to sleep when you hold me... Well maybe it's my fault that I don't get enough sleep, but that's not the point! I would like cuddles please!""Stupid dumbass, get on the bed and then I'll give you cuddles in a minute okay?" You did what you were told to do, and waited on the bed. You looked eager when he finally finished. He got up from his desk and sat down on his bed with you. He then lay down on the bed as you copy that and lay down as well. As he wrapped his arms around you to sleep, he whispers, "I love you, Y/N." You smiled joyfully. "I love you too, Katsuki."

                                   ₊꒦︶︶꒷‧˚₊ ꒰ ᐢ｡- ༝ -｡ᐢ ꒱ ₊꒦︶︶꒷‧˚

                                               ⊹˙₊˚. ໑ ˚₊˙⊹꒷꒥.₊‧˚

Big thank you to my wonderful editor Bunchi cause it wouldn't be this good without their amazing editing for me mwah <3

don't forget to give me suggestions!!

Have a wonderful day my lovely’s <33

                                      ₊꒦︶︶꒷‧˚₊ ꒰ ᐢ｡- ༝ -｡ᐢ ꒱ ₊꒦︶︶꒷‧˚

also bestie my love Tsubaki my amazing bestie pls don’t block me i’m begging ilysm pls don’t block me ok that’s it bye 

also i hate this sm it’s so bad i’m sobbing

[unlockthelore]

catch me, won’t you?

Part 6 of Know-It-All a.k.a the modern AU snippet series that no one asked for. To find other parts of the series, follow the know-it-all tag.

shijimeikme#1231 — direct message with nenehime#1113

nenehime AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

shijimeikme what is it I’m studying

nenehime are you really studying??? (¯―¯٥)

shijimeikme fair

shijimeikme what is it

nenehime I’m coming over

shijimeikme okay??? but the screaming ( ¬_¬)

nenehime i messed up

shijimeikme bad enough that you gotta scream???

shijimeikme did you text aoi???

nenehime no not yet she’ll do the thing

shijimeikme the protective best friend thing where she defers to murder first?

nenehime it’s almost scary that you know that

shijimeikme been hanging out with u guys long enough

shijimeikme alright ima clean up, tell me what happened

Nene was hard pressed to stay where she was while waiting for Amane to wake up. The sides of her phone case pressing uncomfortably into her palms as she gripped it tight enough that she could hear the plastic cracking. A slight fumble to keep from breaking it resulting in her phone smacking against her face and only Amane’s soft huff reminding her not to groan in pain. The throbbing on her forehead reminding her of the contrast, his lips soft as they brushed against her skin, leaving a kiss that was quickly drowned out as he sang the last line.

Looking her in the eye.

Just like —

She wanted to scream or kick out her legs or do something. Staring out the window as the evening sunlight slanted through, lightening the dark blue curtains and running over the carpet to the edge of Amane’s bed. His arm loosened its grip around her waist and Nene could move a bit easier but she stayed where she was. As much as she wanted to rant and rage, she found herself just laying there. Looking around the room and memorizing every inch of it.

His telescope in the corner.

A number of books on his shelf, rearranged in sequence, with a soccer ball propped up beside them. The dust collecting on the trophy hidden behind it. Posters of his heroes on dark blue walls, a mosaic painting of the Apollo 11 moon landing, the light catching and making the moon shine. The glare catching on the dark screen of his television, a shelf beneath it with books and games organized on either side, his system tucked away in the cabinet.

How many hours did she spend here playing games with him when they should be studying?

His slight grin when she won and rubbed it in his face only to start up another game while she wasn’t looking.

Would that all change because she knew now?

Looking down at him, her breath hitched when he started to shift and his eyes slowly opened. His cheek brushing against her chest as he raised his head, resting his chin against her chest and staring up at her with sleep-glazed sunset eyes.

“Yashiro,” he called, voice husky with sleep. “What time is it?”

Nene’s eyes widened and she fumbled for her phone, pressing the home button to see the time and another message from Mei.

“About five,” she said, shifting from beneath him as carefully as she could as he rolled to the side. “I should start heading home.”

She chose to wisely ignore the way that his voice made the back of her neck warm or twist her stomach in knots when he looked her way. His eyes were oranger than gold, or was it golder than orange? If she got a better look. Zipping her bag shut with more force than necessary, she downed the thought before it could grow any further. There was no way she could do that. Being that close to him —

Standing up abruptly, her knees almost buckled but she forced herself upright, picking up her phone from where it laid beside him. Amane lying on his side and peering up at her with a soft grumble, his fingers curled in the sheets.

Why.

She pressed her phone to her chest, holding it tightly, trying to slow the racing of her heart. He looked so vulnerable, small as he curled up in a ball, his eyes squinting to avoid being blinded by the light. Wide eyes that looked up at her with trust and fondness, faint dark circles beneath them showing he could use a bit more sleep, and his smile. It wasn’t teasing or cat-like but wide and warm, crinkling his eyes at the corners and stealing her breath away.

Oh no, she couldn’t do this.

“See you tomorrow, Amane,” she blurted out, gripping the strap of her bag and hurrying downstairs.

Tsuchigomori raised his hands as she flew past him, peering at her curiously. “Where’s the fire..?”

“I just have to head home, parents… y’know.”

Lying to him was so difficult. Not only because he was a teacher but he always seemed to just know. His hum was judgmental and she could feel his gaze on her back, analyzing her with a scrutiny that might have made her crack if she looked back at him. Tugging her shoes on, she stood and bowed deeply.

“Bye!”

Throwing open the doors, she looked down at her phone, squinting against the glare from the light.

shijimeikme#1231 — direct message with nenehime#1113

nenehime I came over to amane’s to hangout and he was so tired so I tried to cheer him up then we were singing and it was all nice and he kissed my forehead and said he loved me

shijimeikme …. Just like that

nenehime well… yes… and no…and kinda??? It was part of the song

shijimeikme but he kissed you

nenehime my forehead

shijimeikme which is a part of you

nenehime hnnnnnn I knooooooow meeeeeeei

shijimeikme are you still there???

nenehime no I’m leaving

shijimeikme did you talk to him before you left

nenehime does saying see you tomorrow count

shijimeikme baby no

shijimeikme hurry up and get over here

nenehime AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

shijimeikme see now the screaming makes sense

Throwing her phone into her bag, she hurried off as quickly as her legs could carry her. Amane’s voice repeating like a song she couldn’t get out of her head.

koulest#0206 — direct message with hanako#0724

hanako i fucked up

koulest to the surprise of no one

hanako kid ur killing me

koulest wh

koulest I’m olny few years younger thn u

hanako and shit at spelling too

koulest I’m going back to bed

hanako wait kou no listen

koulest whaaaaaaaat???

hanako so how would you cope w/ falling asleep on ur crush

koulest ….. what did you do

hanako so yashiro came over and tsuchigomori must’ve said something to her bc she was trying to get me to stop studying

koulest to be fair you don’t take breaks

hanako hey hey that’s not the point

hanako stay on topic

koulest mmmmm you didn’t deny it

hanako kou

koulest alrgiht alright damn so what

hanako I was sleep deprived kinda and she played this song and we were dancing and

koulest wait how sleep deprived

hanako stAY ON POINT

koulest HOW LONG WERE YOU AWAKE

hanako LONG ENOUGH TO KNOW I FUCKED UP

koulest you know what??? fair

koulest continue

hanakoshe played fly me to the moon

koulest soft but mmm think theres more to this

hanako look up the lyrics

koulest ohhhHHH fuck

hanako does your brother even let you curse???

koulest if you and I wanna survive he better not find out

hanako anyway we were singing

koulest ….

hanako kou

koulest you did a duet w senpai

hanako why do you still call her that but not me

koulest because you might be older than me grade-wise but up here we’re the same

hanako did you tap your head??? you know I can’t see you right

koulest HUSH

koulest okay, so how’d this lead to you falling asleep on her

hanako I got comfortable and… she was telling me to take a break and I was gonna just lay down and when I woke up I was on her

koulest did you do anything to her

hanako WH no what do you take me for

koulest (;￢＿￢) do you really wanna know

hanako killing me

hanako anyway I was faking sleep when I woke up bc I was trying to figure out how I got here

hanako and she’s messing with my hair

hanako then I “woke up” and she was on her phone and said she had to go

hanako and idk if she actually had to go or no but we didn’t talk bout it

hanako and idk if I made things weird cause this isn’ the first time

koulest back up

koulest the fuck do you mean this isn’t the first time

hanako ….

koulest oh no NOPE you don’t get to do the ellipsis of disappointment

hanako the wh

koulest mitsuba

koulest but that’s not the point TELL

hanako mmMMM mitsuba ok

koulest the fuck does that mean

hanako ANYWAY we were stargazing awhile ago

koulest post or pre kodama incident

hanako we do not speak about the kodama incident

koulest still can’t believe u did that

hanako kou no kodama incident please

koulest alright, alright what happened

hanako we fell asleep and when I woke up we were cuddling???

koulest idk if u have the best or worse luck

hanako don you mean worst

koulest nah ur luck just gets terrible w the day

koulest anyway did she talk about it w u thin

hanako then???

koulest I’M GOING BACK TO BED

hanako KOU WAIT NO

hanako yeah yeah she talked to me

hanako and I asked her if we could cuddle not as friends

koulest ??? Don’t leave me in suspense what’d she say

hanako she said yeah

koulest …. Okay why do I think you’re leaving something out

hanako am I?

koulest u were sleep deprived so you might’ve done something to make senpai skip out

hanako I can’t think of what tho and if I ask her

hanako so fkinembarrassed

koulest maybe if you actually slept

hanako shUT YOUR FUCK

koulest get some sleep we can talk about it tomorrow

koulest GET SOME SLEEP

hanako fuck we do have school tomorrow

koulest you would know that if ur days weren’t blurring

koulest BECAUSE YOU DON’T SLEEP

hanako GOOD NIGHT KOU

koulest oH FINALLY

Amane’s phone screen went dark, reflecting his own flustered face, and he grimaced at the sight. Dropping his phone to his chest and burying his fingers in his hair as he squinted at the ceiling. It’d long since gotten dark and Tsuchigomori ordered takeout, Yako coming over, and their usual bickering distracted him from his thoughts. Insisting that he’d be heading off to bed when he was only paying partial attention to one of their arguments that he’d been drawn into. Weighty sharp gazes following him and their voices were hushed as he disappeared from sight, no doubt trying to glean the meaning for his behavior.

How was he supposed to tell them that he might have scared off the girl that he liked because she was trying to make him feel better? Hell, how was he supposed to justify it to himself. The heels of his hands pressed against his eyelids, making the stars on his ceiling blurry and his eyes water. Deep down, he almost wanted to cry.

It took him a full six minutes to register Nene’s hasty goodbye and another two to hurry after her with the insistence of walking her home. She didn’t hear him, tapping away at her phone, her shoulders hunched and steps brisk — reminding him of that day. A muffled curse behind his hand as the memory came to mind.

The day was perfect. Like a scene out of her favorite movie, and her eyes were so warm and trusting. She believed every word that came out of his mouth. And that was it. He meant it, meant that he liked her, perhaps not love but he did like her and —

He hurt her.

Ruby eyes glistening with unshed tears, the ones that managed to slip free in silver streaks down her cheeks were quickly wiped away as she jerked away from him. The dull ache in his head from her headbutt was nothing compared to the sharp pain in his chest. Seeing her walking away from him, rubbing her eyes from tears he caused, all because his intentions were good but his method wasn’t.

What more could he do but apologize to her?

Could he really expect her to believe him when he lied before?

His phone slid off his chest as he shifted onto his side, pressing his cheek against his pillow, the smell of earth and something sweet filling his nose.

Nene.

It could only be her. And he mentally kicked himself, burying his face against the pillow and clutching it tightly.

kannoaoi#0320 — direct message with nenehime#1113

nenehime AOI I NEED YOUR HELP

kannoaoi name and what’d they do

nenehime wh— （・□・；）no not like that

kannoaoi just kidding （⌒▽⌒）mei told me what happened

nenehime

nenehime message

kannoaoi well it doesn’t sound like the kodama incident again

kannoaoi if he was as tired as you said maybe he meant it

kannoaoi or maybe he was delirious

nenehime not helping aoi

kannoaoi what im saying is that talking to us is well and good but you should talk to yugi

nenehime but how do you talk to someone whose bed you woke up in twice

kannoaoi how do you talk to me? (✿╹u╹)

nenehime aoi you’re different

kannoaoi and I’m glad you think so but nene whats one of the most irritating tropes from your books

nenehime besides power imbalance???

kannoaoi mhm

nenehime miscommunication

nenehime … oh

kannoaoi oh (✿◠‿◠)

Flower emojis were supposed to be cute but somehow Aoi could make them both that and absolutely threatening. Locking her phone screen, Nene stared at her own reddened faced worried her bottom lip between her teeth. Black Canyon rolled across her pillow, colliding with her cheek and she closed her eyes with a sigh. Letting her phone fall to the side, her hands cupping around the mischievous hamster as she sat up and tucked her knees in close.

The contents of her bag spilled out over the shag carpet, her books face down and obscuring the heart shaped design from view. Her gaze drifting to the ceiling then her curtains, the stuffed animals and movie posters barely discernible in the low lighting. Her teal hair falling in her face as she rested her head against her knees, nuzzling against Black Canyon’s fur. Honey and brown sugar from the shampoo that she used bathe him still fresh. Pressing a kiss to his head, she set him on the floor and let him run around, pushing the ball that he’d come to claim as his own.

Black and white, checkered just like the one in Amane’s room, bumping against her dresser and the walls. Sitting back with her head against the wall, she almost wished for the glow in the dark stars on her ceiling. Checking to make sure that Black Canyon wasn’t nearby as she toed off her bed, bending down to pick up the objects from her bag. Her books heavy in her hands, thumbs running over the embossed titles.

What was she going to do come tomorrow?

It wasn’t as if she could just hide in her room or avoid him. No one was at fault but the knots twisting in her stomach and the fear of having dashed hopes meant something. Pressing her lips to the spine of her book, she tried to remember the warmth of his hand and the gentle press of his lips against her forehead. That wide smile, soft and all for her.

I just wanted them to stop making fun of you.

Was it really that bad?

If he liked her and she liked him, did anyone else really matter?

And even then — why would anyone tease for her liking him when he was so…

Draping her bag on her chair, she tip toed over to the window and pulled the soft cherry pink curtains, opening her window slightly to let the cool air come in. Her arms crossed on the window sill and chin resting atop of them as she looked out at the cityscape. Thousands of lights wavering in the distance, dancing as her eyelids fell and she sighed. The moon wasn’t out tonight and she wondered if he was dismayed by it.

He kept track of the moon phases on his calendars so she doubted he didn’t know but she wanted to check anyway.

Though with the way she left, would it be alright to text him?

Was he offended because they didn’t talk?

Or should she just do it anyway?

They were still friends.

Black Canyon’s soft squeaks made her smile and she rested her cheek against her arms, watching him as he bumped the ball against the wall, trying to get it to change directions. Scurrying after it with all of the speed that his tiny legs could afford him.

Sometimes, she thought it must have been a lot easier to be an animal.

Like a hamster or a fish.

Lingering by the window for a moment longer, she sighed and drifted back to her bed, picking up her phone. The light shining in her eyes were momentarily blinding and scrolling through the recent messages, she found the thread with Amane and her finger hovered over it.

Yashiro, I love you! Please go out with me.

I love you.

hanako#0724 — direct message with nenehime#1113

nenehime no stargazing tonight I guess

nenehime amane

nenehime about earlier can we talk?

nenehime …please

Nene had never been one for flippant use of prayer. In fact, she tried not to pray for things that were selfish if she could help it. But right now, she really needed this. Even if it went wrong and something happened that couldn’t be taken back — it was better than this.

A gentle chime and a notification popped up on her screen. She pressed her phone to her forehead with a ragged sigh, sagging down to the floor. Black Canyon’s ball tapping her side as the hamster squeaked at her.

hanako#0724 — direct message with nenehime#1113

hanako yeah

hananene squad — 5 members

koulest added kannoaoi to the group.

koulest added shijimeikme to the group.

koulest added aoi_a to the group.

koulest added elemonate to the group.

koulest added snapmitsu to the group.

koulest renamed koulest, kannoaoi, shijimeikme, aoi_a, elemonate, snapmitsu to hananene squad.

snapmitsu TRAFFIC EARRING yOU ASS

koulest wrong chat mitsuba

elemonate im sory but what was the right chat

aoi_a sory?

elemonate yeah like you

aoi_a rude

shijimeikme assuming we’re all here for the same thing are we gonna talk about our friends pining or…

koulest is pining even the word anymore

koulest wait role call how did everybody find out

kannoaoi nene

koulest amane

snapmitsu being added to this gc

aoi_a u can leave anytime

snapmitsu fuck u im staying

koulest okay but can we talk about what we’re gonna do about them

snapmitsu like are we picking sides

koulest wh NO why would we pick sides we’re both of their friends

aoi_a idk if I’d say that

kannoaoi akane

kannoaoi and don’t worry too much kou

shijimeikme aoi’s right, we don’t have to do much of anything

elemonate ….. what did you two already do

kannoaoi planted the seeds, so watch them grow

snapmitsu a gardening joke???

kannoaoi this IS nene we’re talking about here

shijimeikme yeah kou so just let the stars align

snapmitsu am I having a stoke is this what a stroke feels like

aoi_a so basically we were called for….

aoi_a nothing if we’re being honest

koulest no no I wouldn’t say THAT - sigh - we’re out here in case anything happens

elemonate like what super senate

koulest yeah like sentai WARRIORS

kannoaoi and the two people we’re talking about aren’t part of this little band of heroes

koulest do you want me to make a whole gc with all of us???

snapmitsu nope a server

koulest wh

aoi_a more space for pins

elemonate you mean memes

shijimeikme you mean pictures

kannoaoi you mean puns

aoi_a aoi please

snapmitsu heathens all of you

aoi_a tomorrow is gonna be fun

snapmitsu for who?

shijimeikme yes

[skeletaldarling]

I'm very bored

I need some inspiration and hopefully this helps me and anyone else in need of some dialogue prompts.

(These are so random and they jump all over the place idk, I need help)

"Will you just stand still?"

"I cannot believe you actually just did that."

"Do you still have brain cells? Are there any left at all?"

"Stop doing that or I'll lick everything you own."

"Saying you're not sick doesn't actually affect your health."

"I swear to all that is holy if you pause my show one more time, I will personally eat everything you love!"

"I can't believe you actually just mimicked me. Are you five?"

"Aha! Who's the loser now, loser?"

"Ugh, you're cranky when you're sick." "I'm not cranky!"

"Guess who just sliced their thumb open?! It was me, I sliced my thumb, it really hurts, ow."

"Did... did you just tell me you love me?"

"I'm sorry, you're Team Jacob!? I can't believe I thought I loved you, well, bye traitor."

"Has anyone ever told you that you're a little bitch?" "Many times, yes."

"Do you ever think that maybe you're just a bit pathetic?" "Yes, why?"

"Wow, you are like, blind blind, these glasses hurt my eyes, what the fuck?"

"This is so stupid." "Your face is so stupid."

"I can't believe you just told me you love me, we're watching Twilight and you tell me you love me?"

"This is ridiculous." "Yeah, what's your point?"

"Ah, well I thought we were dating but apparently that wasn't shared knowledge?"

"Has anyone ever told you that you're insane?" "Several times, why?"

"I am so mad at you right now, you ate my fucking leftovers. Get out of my house."

"Ow! What the fuck man! You hit me in the face!"

"Okay, so, it's a long story, but to sum it up, we now own four kittens and I love them all so much I'm going to cry for the rest of my life."

"Wow okay, firstly, mood, secondly, get up off my kitchen floor."

"Where did you learn to fight with a sword?" "Yeah, I was in a play once, I had to learn."

"You might be the biggest nerd I've ever met." "Yeah but I'm your nerd."

"I love you more than peanut butter sandwiches." "Wow, that much, huh?"

"What the fuck are you wearing?" "It's yours." "I have terrible taste."

"This hallway is a very... strange hallway." "Are you high right now?" "High on sleep deprivation bitch."

"You're so cute right now, holy shit." "I'm wearing your clothes."

[mirrorballparkers]

soft — [t.h]

authors note: idk what this is it’s not that good lol enjoy!! i wrote this sleep deprived as fuck lol i love toms hair i’m a sucka for it mwah he’s so cute bye

requested by @lovelyspidey ya know cuz we literally die over his pretty hair lmao luv ya girly

word count: short n sweet / 440

_

toms hair was probably your favorite feature about him, physical for that matter. his chestnut curls framing his gentle face, just going over his forehead. it was cute, and yes it bugged him because sometimes it was too difficult to manage, but you loved it nonetheless. he tried so many different hair gels, brushing techniques, but natural was the best look for you. he looked pretty, so so pretty.

often, tom pretended that he was annoyed when you messed with his hair. it was something he took a lot of pride in, spent a lot of time on, and often was a bit self-conscious. although it bugged him sometimes, he thought it was too cute for words when you’d reach up with your dainty little hands, and he’d intertwine it with his before kissing your knuckles sweetly. his whole heart grew ten sizes when he saw you begin to pout, pleading him to let you run your hands through his gentle curls.

and he did, of course, because he loved you way too much to say no - way too much.

it was a pretty, spring afternoon in your shared apartment. around this time you would sit with your boyfriend while reading a book or simply watching a movie. for some reason today, tom was a little too invested in his comic book for your liking, and you tried absolutely everything to get his attention.

being too shy, you just say there in defeat as you tried your best to focus on your own novel. but your eyes still ended up landing on that gorgeous brown eyed boy, it didn’t help that he was so pretty. his face was almost too perfect: the way the sun came in from the curtains, complimenting every single freckles on his cheeks and nose. he was so perfect.

he wasn’t dumb, he knew you were looking, but of course you’d get way too embarrassed if he found out so he kept reading anyway.

“enjoying your book?” tom asks after a long silence. you break your trance, face flushing profusely before you look back down at your barely read book.

“what makes you think i’m not?” you chuckle anxiously, beginning to fiddle with the pages, ignoring those brown eyes seeping into your skin like drops of honey.

“i definitely am not a jane austen novel, baby.” tom giggles softly, setting his coming book down before slowly inching closer; and the closer he got, the louder he could hear your heart beating. you could hear his, too - and it was so pretty.

he intertwines your hands, sitting across from you, “i just missed you i guess,” you spoke timidly. “which is lame, but i missed you laying in my lap while i play with your hair.”

tom nods, rubbing his thumb across your cheek, “i know it’s something you really love to do, baby. sorry i didn’t realize it,” he dots little kisses onto your cheek, causing a tiny giggle to escape from your lips, making his heart beat more and more.

“sorry i’m so clingy and lame,” you laugh.

“that’s not a bad thing, love,” he assures you. he didn’t mind you being close to him all the time, he’d rather you be with him forever, if you’d have him. “but you are pretty lame,” tom jokes, nudging your shoulder slightly.

“stoppp,” you whine, bringing your hand up to ruffle his hair just a bit, causing him to scrunch up his adorable nose. he loved it anyway, of course. he loved you.

“you know i can’t stand when you do that, babe.” he sigh, holding your free hand against his chest. he knew he was lying — gosh, he loved it so much. it calmed him down, made him feel serene and at peace. it was all because of you; you had this impact on him that nobody else quite had.

“you love me, get over yourself, you dork.”

“i’ll love you forever, sweet baby.” he says sweetly, meaning absolutely every single word that escaped his lips.

he lays down onto your lap, his perfect eyes looking up at yours, squinting softly as he admires your ethereal face. it was like looking at an abstract painting; something out of this world, something gorgeous and sublime.

forever seemed perfect for you both.

_

taglist: im sorry lol

@akaspiderman @naturallytom @plushparker @cutesparker @lovelyspidey @spideyflicker @spiiderman

[furiousqueenmarmaroth]

HC for the horsemen and Azreal assisting or just being friends with an expectant human mom-to-be? Doesn't have to be romantic if you dont wanna, but im all about the wholesome shit yo these guys deserve all the love in the world, just like you~ have a wonderful evening (or whatever timeit is, idk

((Here you go, love. I think I’m going to make Azrael his own thing, just cause he was the one holding me up. Anyways, I hope the others are okay because I’m kinda sleep deprived.))

Death:

“So yeah… I don’t want you to feel obligated to co-parent or anything. I know you don’t like change and if it’s ever too much for you I’ll be happy to move out.” Fingernail polish certainly didn’t last long with the nervous woman, as the littered flecks of paint that accumulated on the wood floors could attest.

“For you, I can make adjustments.” Death finally said, crossing his legs and returning to his book.

“Wait, really?” He took it much better than she had anticipated. It was so suspicious that she felt certain he would pee in her shoes like a cat she used to own. She didn’t know much about the Horseman, as no one seemed to, but she knew him well enough to know that “adjustments” weren’t a part of his skill set.

“We should probably start with child locks on the cabinets.”

“You’re joking.”

“The scar on War’s lip would say otherwise.”

“No I mean… What I’m trying to say is…” Oh boy, he really wasn’t easy to talk to. “You don’t have to be involved at all if you don’t want to be.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. You are important to me, as you were before we started this little experiment. I would lay down my life for you, and as such, I would lay down my life for your child as well.” His eyes spoke of sincerity, a rare and vulnerable moment indeed.

“Well… Thank you, Death. You’re sweet.”

“I know. That’s why we’re not calling it Alice or Richard.”

“Those are my parent’s names and you can’t change my mind about them.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s good luck.”

“They both died before 30 how lucky can they be?” He knew he had went to far, but giving people permission to refer to what he considered his son as “Dick” wasn’t an option.

Fury:

By the pale tint to Fury’s face, she knew she had gotten to the part of the parenting book about childbirth. Probably the part about mucus plugs and placentas and the picture of a baby’s head crowning. You know, the gross stuff that no one told her about before her and her wife agreed to become pregnant.

When the Horseman’s face turned toward the human, she wasn’t sure if her expression was one of concern, pity, or disgust. Knowing her, it was probably both. There wasn’t anything exchanged between the two of them except a handful of pleasantries during breakfast.

“So… you knew about this?” The vague gesture toward the ‘gross’ chapter of the book was indication enough of what she meant.

“Yes. I am an OB/GYN. Kinda my job to know about it.”

“And there was no… man?”

“There was, but he wasn’t there during conception if that’s what you meant.”

“How…?”

“Well, you have three brothers. It’s just like that, except it goes in a vial instead of a sock.”

Fury’s face scrunched before concluding in a shudder. “At least we’re having a girl.”

“And you’re going to be an amazing mom.” She pressed a quick kiss to her partner’s temple, “Once you finally let me paint the nursery pink.”

“You know what,” she flung the book across the counter, “you deserve to punish this baby however you see fit, since your going to have your vagina ripped to your betty button anyways.”

“That’s not how a C-section works, Fury. Read the book.”

“I don’t want to anymore.”

She sighed and laughed, “Well at least come help me paint the room and get the to-go bag ready.” Wiggling fingers beckoned her to follow, and she did.

Strife:

“It’s like a fish bowl.” Strife concluded as he stared at the fuzzy image in his hands that only vaguely resembled something that would turn into humans. He was told the babies looked healthy for twins at 12 weeks. About the size of kumquats, the doctor said. Whatever the hell kumquats were. And the mother? Oh, even bloated and fatigued he still thought she was the most perfect woman in all of Creation.

She giggled and hooked an arm under his. “I can call one Fineas and one Finwick.” She sobered quickly, “Thank you for coming with me today, Strife. It means a lot to me.”“Always. I’m sure the father will be very happy to hear the news.”

“I called him a few weeks ago but he said he didn’t want anything to do with them. Happens, I guess.”

A hand appeared in his periphery and beckoned the picture back. Roused from his stupor, he realized the red box in front of them was her car and it was time for their brief time to end.

“Well, if you ever need anything, or nothing, you know, give me a ring and I’ll be here. For the baby or for yard work or something. And I’m totally fine being the guy you bring to these things.” Air sucked in between his teeth to make an awkward hissing sound. “Yup it’s… totally fine by me.”

“Okay…” Strife’s stomach sank as the car door popped open. “Bye, Strife.”

“Yup. Okay. Bye.” He held up his hand and turned away with a sigh. Lovely to spend time with her, as it always was.

“Actually, Strife?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you wanna… come with me to pick up my prenatal vitamins?” Her grin was intoxicating, “If that’s fine with you, that is.”

If it wouldn’t have been completely weird, he would have done the happy hippo dance from Fantasia. “It is.”

War:

War had become distant since the revelation of the new roommate that would be joining the house, even more distant still as he realized that her ever-expanding belly held this new life. His hands had crushed things significantly less fragile than the petite woman, and their few nights together proved that even at his best he still left bruises. And, worse still, the thing that was growing inside of her.

As to how he was able to sire an offspring was beyond him. Between his hybrid status, their differing species and centuries of horseback riding, he had considered the possibility unlikely, to say the least.

Neither his brothers nor his sister minded the addition to the Nephilim family, seeing as it would be taught the values of a human they considered level headed, for better or worse. But War minded. He minded quite a bit. But the decision was ultimately hers and there wasn’t much he could do about that except keep her somewhat entertained during the mandatory bedrest that began a few weeks into her pregnancy.

“Oof.” She clutched her stomach.

He was to her side and leaning over to examine her before she could finish a deep breath.

“It’s fine.” She pat his arm. “Just a kick.”

The father grunted and moved back to his shadowed seat to sulk and pretend like he wasn’t watching the show that was on. Quite frankly, he ate those reality TV shows up like Skittles.

“Do you want to feel?” Her grip on his hand was surprisingly strong as she pulled the only hand he had down towards the obscenely stretched and visibly moving skin.

“No.” He wasn’t about to fight against her, though.

“Just feel and I’ll stop bugging you.”

And so, he did if only to be done with it. But he was in love by the first kick. There was no way he could explain the sudden surge of emotion when the little warrior to be jutted a foot against the gentle pressure of his hand. What he was certain of though, was he had to turn away lest anyone should see the tears that suddenly attacked his eyes.

“The doctor says you can see that she has hair on the ultrasound.”

“She?”

“Yeah, she. Did you want to say something to your daughter? She can hear you, you know.”

“Is that why you’ve been reading out loud like a mad woman?”

“Yeah, that’s the reason.” She offered the shoddy book of poetry to him, “This is all we have with rhymes. Though with all the detective shows I’ve been watching I’m sure that’s had more of an impact.”

[bigskydreaming]

In the best (personal) news I have had in oh, over a year, FINALLY got the results of the MRI back and it is NOT a tumor lurking in my nonexistent jaw joint area and causing all my Issues, as my doctor was worried about from the latest CT scans. Which, like. Yeah. I don’t really have the words for how grateful I am to hear that because like, hahahaha I was getting super tired of my rock bottoms introducing themselves to new rock bottoms, you know???

So I am currently buzzing and high on that news, life in general, and y’know, sleep deprivation, cuz ngl, it was definitely not fun hearing I should know by Monday whether or not like, I have cancer, only for that to be dragged out until freaking Friday. Hahaha what is sleep, I have had like, five hours all week maybe? Needless to say I am super behind again on work, rent, insurance and all that fun stuff BUT as long as I can say “but I don’t have cancer!” at the end of each of those things, like....yeah I’m gonna milk the fuck out of that qualifier for energy, as long as I possibly can lololol.

Did talk to my insurance ppl today though and I’ve got at least until Tuesday to pay my premiums, so got a couple more days of breathing room there. Can’t get it extended past that though because my doctor’s already gonna be calling in preauthorization requests for like, the actual surgery and stuff as early as Monday and I reeeeeally don’t want ‘okay but this dude hasn’t even paid up yet’ being a factor at all in whether or not they approve my 25K surgery.

Fingers crossed that my good luck continues to hold, as there’s a possibility this might all get dealt with once and for all, a lot sooner than I’d hoped for?? Like, cuz of the MRI she was able to get a clear view of exactly what the problem is, the inflammation around the joint and actual erosion of the bone, etc, which cut out a lot of the other steps we were preparing to take to isolate the exact issue before moving forward. It also apparently lit a hell of a fire under their asses cuz they were able to see not just that the joint is totally wrecked (which we’ve known for like, nine months now, wasn’t news), but just how badly eroded my jawbone is at like....the other point of the jaw that holds it at least somewhat connected to my skull still even though the joint itself is nonexistent? Idk not explaining that right because again, sleep deprived like whoa. 

ANYWAY. Point is my doctor was like, so basically because of the constant damage being done in that area every time you open your mouth at all, you’re fracturing it further and its only hanging on by the barest sliver at this point - which, DUH, is exactly what I’ve been telling all these doctors it felt like, for over a year BUT I DIGRESS - so she’s all, yeah, we need to move this along as fast as possible because if you erode that area much more like, she doesn’t even know what that’ll look like in practice cuz she’s never actually had to deal with a case that bad, but reading between the lines it sounds like I would just not be able to close my mouth shut at all after that point, which....lol bye bye basic eating and talking? Idk. So its super fun being the worst case of this particular issue she’s ever seen personally haha yay me (but at least I don’t have cancer!)

So. Still putting it in the win column.

But yeah, so she found another surgeon that does potentially take insurance for the actual surgery costs, if we can get my insurance to approve it, and in the meanwhile now I gotta set up appointments at this OTHER imaging place for another more specific CT scan to measure how big the prosthetic will need to be, and they don’t take insurance there at all so that’s gonna be $600 no matter what. BUT, this new surgeon has a bunch of premade prosthetics they keep on site and so there’s a possibility they might be able to fit me with a premade prosthetic that’s already the right dimension instead of having to order a custom made one. And if I can get the surgery approved by my insurance and they find a premade that works, the surgery can be set up in as little as three weeks (which omg holy shit is that a light at the end of the tunnel, IT JUST FUCKING MIGHT BE crap I totally jinxed it didnt I fuck). If they can’t find a premade that works though it’ll still be the 4-6 months to make a custom one so, boooooo, we’re really hoping that doesn’t happen, cuz, again. I do not know precisely what several months of not being able to swing my jaw shut at all even lopsidedly and thus no eating or talking....like lmao what would that even look like how do you not like, starve in that case? Idk. So....super duper hoping that we can find a premade and get the surgery scheduled quicklikearabbit and not have to wait several more months and risk just eroding whatever it is that’s still up there in that general vicinity that’s left to erode, idk, like I said what are words right now even.

YEAH. SO. That’s my status update for those who’ve been messaging and checking in and whatnot, like, y’all are rockstars and I fucking adore you and am so grateful. I am now going to go sleep the sleep of the dead because hahahahahaha ow light is actually physically painful at the moment, I just came to sit up straight at my desk and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now.

Then its back to work for me but also I might have some fic updates??? lol. Cuz of people who’ve donated and made non-imposing requests or suggestions for things I could write and thus mitigate my OMG I Do Not Deserve Your Generosity ulcers of doom. That I’ve been writing off and on but mostly just off this last week in particular where I unfortunately did a lot of like, staring at the wall watching paint dry except not really cuz they weren’t freshly painted or whatever, look you get what I mean probably. 

Right. So. Assuming any of this makes sense to anyone and I’m not actually just stringing together nonsense series of words here at this point, still likely to be scarce for a few days to a week. Gonna leave my paypal link again, cuz I mean, yeah. I’m way more sick of posting it than anyone could possibly be of seeing my post it lolol, trust me, but hopefully there is a point now in the near(ish) future where I will once again be able to work productively and non-chronic-painfully again and thus not be in desperate need of the kindness of strangers 24/7. That would be so awesome omgwtfbbqicanteven. You don’t even know. 

But also! At least I don’t have cancer. So. I actually have a bizarre amount of energy at the moment despite being two seconds away from faceplanting into my keyboard from exhaustion. Look I dont even get how that works either. I’m nuanced okay.

I feel like there was something to write here like in conclusion or in summation or tl;dr but also fuck it, I think I literally just heard my last remaining synapse fire in my brain I gtg ttyl byyyyyyyyyyyye.

https://paypal.me/bigskydreaming?locale.x=en_US

[fit-as-fxck]

tired tuesday

Today was a Push day. Lots of heart rate elevating supersets and reps. I did eat today, however my protein levels were relatively low and I'm super sleep deprived. I could feel the effects setting in throughout the day but I went to the gym anyways. I could tell the lack of sleep effected my strength, however, once I really got going, I felt my head clear and a burst of energy to just keep going. I did have to drop down in weight on bench press and shoulder press. I pushed through though and at the end I still felt good to go even though I had been there an hour working out so I added on 10 minute circuit at the end. I did DB clean and press super-setted with alternating kettlebell swings. I’m surprised I felt that energy to keep going considering I was barely functioning on a few hours of sleep today and going from one thing to another. It truly goes to show that the concept of mind over matter applies here. I didnt want to go in today, I just wanted to nap. But I didn't even think about it or give myself to not go. And I'm so glad I did. I built momentum once I got started which built motivation which kept me rolling on. Action begets motivation. Thats it. Its all in your head all you have to go is get the fuck started. I am feeling relatively stressed this week but I also feel/have faith in myself that I can absolutely keep my goddamn shit together and my head screwed on straight okay bye. I wish I could be going to bed right now but I still have things to do. 

I’m making DAMN SURE I drink an entire gallon of water tomorrow to aid in recovery. As far as nutrition goes, my protein levels were low and I didn't eat a whole lot today but once I had a chance to have dinner I was craving a massive salad (like huge, like really) and a steak (?). Uhhhh so I had them. Idk why I craved steak I rarely do (I decided from the age of 5 I would be a vegetarian so idk what happened along my journey), but I did, so I’m listening to what my body needs lmao. I am sooooo tired. 

Apparently, I’m not the only one doing a Shredmas. This girl is so cute i cant even stand it ok bye tomorrow is Pull day and I'll find a way to fit it in between work, errands, a project I have to do, food, sleep, and a list of to-do’s longer than the radius of the goddamn moon. 

[foreverexists]

Man I'm so burnt out, tomorrow 12th grade calsses are gonna start (online) and yeah I know I have to attend regularly and concentrate more. I really don't know how these people do it man like wake up concentrate on online classes and then study whatever was taught, moreover I'm pretty sure I'll have to go for tutions this year and none of us have any clue as to where we can find good tutors but I'm sure we'll find them soon enough. I honestly have no clue what to expect in general, I'll just have to go in the direction of ''oh shit I'm alive so I have to study or else I won't be anymore'' I know the later part seems more intriguing but trust me that is a fate worse than death we don't wanna face so yep I am actually going to seriously study this year whether it be tutions or dance we gotta focus on me. I woke up at like 3 today, don't know why but what I do know is that I'm hella sleepy and I ain't gonna sleep so yaaaaay. I'm so burnt out and honestly I know why this country is so fucked up, its because the youth is so done when they are of time to do something for the country because of untolarable academic pressure and what not jsut plopped on them. I still cant believe I used to be a straight A student like bro what did you eat back then that i am deprived of now. Honestly this year I really do have to keep my phone like far far far away from my reach in order to even have a fucking plan, gahhh why am I so lazy?? Idk man I just don't feel like doing anything anddddddd guess what my ears have been blessed because of tasha and my grandmother arguing for god knows what reason but whatever it is they are saying some pretty bad stuff and yall think why I am fucked up lolololol and it is my fault againnnnnn yall really have some issues man they are arguing on my topic and jsut fight with each other using their past grudges , like holy shit people just save me from this fucking hell man. What do yall even get by blaming each other and me ? But anyways I guess we all are jsut trying to live one way or the other guess its better to stop thinking about these things, I've gotta do what I've gotta do this year and that is study, get in shape, level 6 dancer, pray and get to know myself on a deeper level. Why you may ask? Because all I've done so far is jsut breathe and we gotta do more than that because I wanna, I'm still so freaking sleepyyyyyyyy yuh neways whoever is reading this i must trust you or i couldn't care less whatever it is GIMME a hug , I'm sure i wouldn't mind that unless you are a creep stay 10 feet away from me or you gonna end up with a broken nose bahahahaha neways bye bye

[lumiereswig]

Ok, but what about someone slipping Lumiere a love potion meant for Plumette?? And now Lumiere is even MORE in love with her (IS THAT POSSIBLE!?) and whoever was pining over Plumette is just... SOL??? (idk, man, I need to lay off the coffee)

HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHIT nobody ever TOLD me that this prompt was POSSIBLE. i was about to go to bed but GUESS WHO’S WRITING FANFIC NOW, BITCHES

“I don’t want the child,” saysAgathe, again. She stands against the churchyard steps, confusion evident inher tilted eyebrows and blank eyes, watching the woman babbling on before her.

“You always do,” says thewoman.

Agathe’s eyes are very blank and very calm. The village woman does not know how much danger she is in.

“It’s a witch-thing, innit? And I have a babe. And I have a demand,” says the woman. “And it will only take aminute of your time—why, I’m sure you have loads of the potions in yourpockets, just crawling with toads and newts-eyes and such-on….”

Agathe blinks, quietly. All that isin her pockets is owl feathers.

The woman sighs. “Fine. Do it forthe justice, right? You witches like justice. Isn’t that why you cursed all ofthem, then?” Her hand waves toward the village, the forest, the palace—thepalace where, as Agathe knows, Lumiere is at this moment sitting in his room,nursing a cold. He is trying to tell jokes to Plumette through a stuffed-upnose. He makes his darling laugh as she curls up beside him on the bed; and Plumettedoesn’t care if she gets sick too, for all she wants is to giggle with herlove. 

“Justice,” says the woman, grabbingAgathe’s arm, and the enchantress’s attention is drawn back to this moment. Amoment which, Agathe thinks, is lasting forever.

“He’s gone gallivanting off withthat girl,” says the woman, bitter as a sour apple. “She’s lured him off, withher Parisian wiles. He’s lost his wholesomeness beside her! How can youstand for that?!”

Agathe checks in on the girl’s Parisianwiles. Plumette is currently engaged in putting marshmallows into Lumiere’s hotcocoa. She’s trying to poke them into a smiley face for him.

“It’s time he loves me again,” hisses the woman.“I was his first.”

You are lucky you are not mylast, thinks Agathe. Thereis a broken musket buried deep in the forest near her hovel. It was once aman.

“So?” The woman shoves forward herchild—a little girl, only just in skirts, with no idea of what her mother begsfor. “A child. A love potion. You like love, don’t you?”

Agathe does like love. And thechild would probably like to see an owl. And the wheedling woman has her pinnedagainst the church.

“Here,” she says, and fetches intoher deepest pocket. She pulls out a jar. “Oh, no—not that one—that’s my jam.”She pulls out another. “Here. Look away.”

The woman looks at her askance, fora moment. Begrudgingly, she turns her eyes away.

The child—little Crevette, daughter of the war widow, with a papa killed in the faraway gunfire—stareswith big, brown eyes as Agathe’s face glows gold, then disappears. TheEnchantress peers out, her hands glowing as she gestures over the small bottle.Its contents turn purple—then red—then a hot, rich burgundy. It looks likesummer wine. It looks like just-crushed grapes.

Agathe’s face returns, and shesmiles at the child. Takes Crevette’s hand, with cautious fingers, fingers thatleave no sense of touch. She hands the jar to the woman.

“Be careful,” she says. “It isheady with marjoram.”

The woman is gone without sayinggood-bye.

Lumiere welcomes her in, of course. He always welcomes anyone in.

He even remembers her name—Puce Enervant—though it’s been many, many years since he last saw her. They discuss what have become common affairs around the village—the way the curse lay across the houses; the enchantment of forgetting the lure of the palace. Puce’s mouth is very tight, and wicked, and she beams at Lumiere as she pushes the potion toward him.

“To help you with your cold.”

“Madame! You fill me with affection.” He has a hazy, dazed memory of kissing Puce once—at an ice cream social, when he was about fourteen—but it’s been so long he is sure she forgot. She was married, after all. “How is your child?”

“Oh.” Puce sneers. “Not much concern of mine. Just gets in the way and stays silent. Once I live here, I can hand her off to another of the village girls.”

“You can—pardonez-moi?”

“Once I live here.” Puce grins at him; or, at least, she widens her mouth and shows her teeth. He is spreading the potion on toast with his long, thin fingers, and is momentarily distracted by how small and wicked she looks. Like a knife out in a meadow. Like a spider, ready to bite.

“Madame. You know I love another.”

“Do you, now?” Smile tighter and wider still. Lumiere is concerned about her digestion. Looking so frightening must have an affect on the stomach.

Puce says, “Don’t tell me you mean that Parisian wench. Wicked, wicked. Not worth your time. Probably the source of your cold, I shouldn’t wonder!”

Thoughts of being kind to Puce Enervant quench into smoke in his head. He rises, and his hands are shaking. “Pardonez-moi? Do not repeat that.”

“Parisian wench. Not worth your time. Go on, have your toast.”

He bites down on it, and his voice shakes. A sneeze clouds the effect, but he can still be threateningly suave. “Plumette is the most beautiful creature I have ever witnessed, and the kindest, brightest, sweetest, dearest, most heavenly soul to ever exist. Our toast is at an end, Madame.”

“Yours is.” Puce sits back, and grins. “Now I just sit and wait for you to love me, Parisian boy.”

She makes sure she is right within his line of vision. Right where he can see her. Right where she can be his one, true, fair, poisoned love.

And it is right then—with an overpowering sneeze that can be heard halfway to Austria—that Lumiere’s head bangs onto the table, reorients itself, and witnesses Plumette as she enters the room.

Mon dieu. The heavens opened wide. He forgets her name for a moment because all he can grasp is that here he is seeing the one and only true point to the universe. All of history and time and men dying in battles and women going to witches and little girls seeing magic has all led up to this: a woman with a feather-duster asking him if he wants more marshmallows.

He is dizzy with the magic of it.

“No! No! Me! It was me,” hisses—the other. Whoever. That thing. It’s not the divine creature in front of him. It isn’t the kiss of the entire pantheon of gods, as this heavenly goddess in front of him completely is.

Plumette is not entirely shocked when he throws himself onto his knees in front of her. The vowing his eternal devotion and swearing (upon what she likes, though nothing whatever is worthy of her eyes) that he will serve her forever is fairly de rigueur. It is like Lumiere to kiss his way entirely up one arm, and across her neck, and down the other arm without stopping, breathing heady phrases that involve ‘heaven’ and ‘divine’ and ‘more beautiful than the morning air.’ The combination of all these things at once, though, is rather startling.

She glances at Puce, though her gaze is somewhat encumbered by the worshiping maître d’ at her feet. “Who are you?”

Puce scowls and gathers her things. “Nobody, apparently,” she says. Lumiere nods enthusiastically and returns to Plumette. 

Puce stomps the long way home. She doesn’t want to see Crevette. She doesn’t want to see Agathe. She wants to bite the witch’s face, and scream that Lumiere got away.

Lumiere, again, loves only Plumette. It should be an easy ending.

But love potions are never easy.

Plumette enjoys this romantic streak, but after three days she worries. It is like Lumiere to adore her, but now he does it to such extent he lets everything else slide, lets it flick away as if it doesn’t matter. He barely remembers Cogsworth’s name. Belle and Adam have been eating off paper napkins, too intimidated to ask for silverware. Every waking moment—and many of her sleeping ones—find Lumiere at her side, asking how to exalt her, how he is unworthy of her graciousness. It isn’t wholesome. He doesn’t laugh. He only wants to love her, without looking to himself.

On the third day, she pins him to the bed. He gasps from ecstasy.

“Mon amour! Mon amour. Non, don’t pass out.” He can’t bear it when she loves him back. She is too perfect, too flawless, too divine. She shakes him and he almost cries.

“How can I serve you, beloved beyond beloved?”

“Mon dieu, stop it.” She has one knee on his chest to hold him down. She flicks away his kisses as he reaches for her arms. “Lumiere? Cheri? You know I love you—”

“How can one love a gnat, a flea, a speck of sand—”

She puts one hand over his mouth. He is absolutely going to faint, but keeps talking anyway.

“—I am nothing! Nothing! And you are the skies, and bigger than the skies, and I live only to adore you—”

Plumette sighs and tries to giggle, but he looks too sleep-deprived to make it fun. She removes her hand. “Serve me by staying quiet as I speak, mon cheri.”

He is instantly a grave. She isn’t even sure he’s breathing. She prods his chest for a heartbeat, and is shocked by how loud it is. It seems twice its normal size.

“Lumiere. My darling. Lumiere. Why this sudden intoxication? You were romantic before—everything I ever wanted—but now, now you drain yourself to talk to me. I fell in love with you, Lumiere. Not a man who never laughed because he would not dare to meet my eyes.”

“Your eyes are gemstones lifted from Arcadia’s fonts—” he begins, and she stabs him with a finger.

“Lumiere! Lumiere. I want you to laugh, again. I want you to make fun of Cogsworth, and encourage Cadenza, and plan matchmaking trips for the Prince and his Princess. I want you to piggy-back with Chip again. I want you to love me, and love life, and love everything besides. And kiss my neck, and tell a joke.”

“That seems impossible now,” he breathes. “Ever since I saw you, my world has been nothing but you.”

“You’ve seen me every day for at least fifteen years, ma moitié.” Another spasm of reverence from Lumiere. “Why now? Why so much?”

Lumiere tries to think, though only for the sake of the goddess currently balanced on his chest. His thoughts tend to flutter off in the so soft, so light, so sacred, exquisite fairy, sublime pixie sent from the other end of heaven direction, but he tries to be mundane.

“Toast.” How strange he used to find food appealing! He hasn’t eaten for two days. It seemed so base, compared to Plumette.

“Pardonez-moi, mon coeur?” Oh sacred woman! All he is is a beating heart. He tries to bring his thoughts around to anything else that might please her.

“Toast. I had some toast. With jam brought by….the woman.” He doesn’t hold onto other people, now. He can’t really remember their names.

“Puce?”

“Say ‘Plumette’ instead. It is the only name that matters.”

“That woman brought you jam? And then you saw me, and fell in love?”

“You only speak truth. It is exquisite.”

She kisses him, then, half to shut him up and half because he is beloved, even as an idiot. He truly does faint, then. A speck of sand in the sway of an ocean.

Plumette goes to find Puce Enervant.

The palace maid doesn’t really know her way around the village, but she finds it easy enough; the neighbors sigh and point to Puce’s house, tumbled down at the edge of the village. An angry house for an angry woman.

“What do you want,” spits Puce Enervant.

Plumette looks around the crumbling parlor. It is cold and empty and angry. “Don’t you have a child?”

“Not anymore.” Puce kicks up her feet and takes out her pipe. “Witch got her. Didn’t want her, anyway. Strange child. Mostly mute. Didn’t play like a kid.”

“And do you play?”

“I used to.” Puce’s face is wistful. “Everyone used to want me. I had thirty boys on a string. But the war came, and I can’t have anyone now.”

Plumette looks around the room. It’s true that the war came—but in Puce’s case, it seems that life went. She doesn’t have any signs of a life of her own: no pastimes, no plants, no crafts, no indication that she does anything besides sit and moan her dead flirtations. Plumette is struck with pity: besides stringing along the village boys, Puce had nothing better to do, and never learned real love.

Plumette’s hand brushes before her face. “I need a favor of you.”

“You have everything I want. A lover, respect, attention.” I have a heart you do not know you need, thinks Plumette. “If I favor you, I get nothing at all.”

“I need you to kiss Lumiere.”

Puce drops her pipe. “Is this a joke?”

“Non, mademoiselle. True love’s kiss.”

The atmosphere in the cold, dead room is very charged. “And he’ll be mine again?”

“You’ll have back whatever you gave him,” Plumette says honestly.

“Love,” says Puce, and her eyebrows draw together. She thinks for only moments. “Yes, love, yes. Let me have Lumiere. Bring me to my boy.”

Your boy, thinks Plumette, fuming, but she leads Puce to the palace. The only way to save Lumiere is to hand him to another.

He doesn’t want to, but he’ll do anything for the diamond of the angels. The flower that Eden kept. The end of the world, because the world would end without her.

“Will he talk like that to me?” Puce’s eyes are hungry. Lumiere’s eyes are fixed on Plumette as he reels off his names for her.

“He has more than enough to share.” Plumette is nervous; her hands brush his. She needs Puce to kiss Lumiere—but what if it goes wrong, what if he really falls in love with her?

He will die if he does not laugh, does not eat, does not mock Cogsworth as he always does. Plumette tries to be brave. “My darling, my one darling. Kiss her, once, for me.”

He does. He doesn’t try. But Plumette asked him to, so he does.

Stars burst across his vision. Marjoram weighs heavy in the air. And hearts-ease, too, and hot-wine burgundy. Puce’s lips are hungry against his.

He reels back, crying from how strong it was, and blinks away his tears. He hasn’t cried for three days, and his lips feel very dry, and he is suddenly immensely hungry.

Before him stand Puce and Plumette. Puce’s eyes are shut. Her lips move soundlessly. She is a village woman, one he kissed once, a long, long time ago.

Beside her stands Plumette. And she is so beautiful—and so heavenly—and a part of the rest of his world, like Cogsworth and Cadenza and food and dining and serving the Prince—that he has to burst out laughing.

Plumette bursts into tears. “Mon amour? You’re you again?”

“What, because I can’t hold a candle to you?” He is smoking a little, too. “Ma chérie, I can love both you and a brilliant joke.”

He is all right again. He is Lumiere again. He takes Plumette in his arms and kisses her.

“What of Puce?” In the corner she sways, her eyes locked tight. All her anger has vanished from her face; she looks like she is dreaming.

Plumette sniffs her breath, and guides her to the door. “I thought she could draw the poison out of you, because she needs the love herself. I hope she finds a mirror. And some happiness of her own.”

“You are infinitely wise, my darling.” He tries to pick her up, and fails. He is not strong enough. He kisses her instead.

“You are infinitely endearing. Do you want marshmallows in your chocolate?”

“You are the jewel of the world,” says Lumiere, and bows with extravagant courtesy.

Down in the hollow, Agathe shows around her new owl. Little Crevette, with big brown eyes, and tawny feathers. It screams from joy and flaps its wings.

Puce wanders by, her eyes fast shut. Agathe takes her by the hand and leads her to the fallen tree. Places hot tea in her cold hands. Whispers a spell over her, and lets dead leaves fall.

At least she cured the candle’s cold. That’s all she ever meant to do.

[angell-trashh]

Brain dump. tw for food issues

I feel so void of emotion right now. I’m gonna talk about some person stuff, I apologize tthat I cant put this under a read more - in case there’s a lot.

I dont know why im writing right now given that it’s near 2 am and I work tomorrow. Which my life beyond my relationship is a whole other not fun story. I took melatonin bc I feel so on edge. Because if I dont have something to put me to sleep I’ll be Up tossing and turning.

I’ve got anxiety that everyone has been giving me so much food lately and I dont have the time to eat it all before it parishes. Not to mention food makes me anxious bc I’m not skinny and I have such a desire to be that.

I’m thinking about tonight and how we successfully pulled off a booty call. Which, if y’all don’t know, I am in an age gap relationship, and it’s a super sticky one. I dont like it, I didn’t want to date anyone this much older than I am, and I hate the situation we’ve fallen into. But I love him. I dont know how to walk away from someone I love so deeply.

Anyway, I’m thinking about how going in I knew that I had to not get upset when he had to leave. I knew I needed to pretend like everything was fine. But honestly the sex took longer than I was expecting even tho it didn’t feel that long. And when he near immediately went to get ready, I did a good job of blocking out the hurt that that caused. But when I was kissing him, which good bye kisses are typically a long drawn out process bc I love kissing. It’s my favorite thing, and as soon as it stops I want to kiss him again. But anyway, he started laughing and he said something that was like “enough” and I just!!! Idk!!! I’m so hypersensitive because I’m in a relationship with someone I shouldnt be in a relationship with. He had to go, I knew he had to go and I was going to let him, but when he so easily rushes me, it hurts. As much as I wish I didn’t care, I do. I know he loves and cares about me. I know he does.

There’s just nothing fun about being in this situation. I hate having to hide, the wrongness of it all. How he always has to leave me.

I just feel upset but not actually upset enough to know what’s going on inside of me about it. I’m annoyed that I’m put in a position where I have to hide how sad his leaving makes me. I’m annoyed that his leaving devastates me! It’s ridiculous! I shouldn’t feel so deprived of him that his leaving causes an internal emotional uproar.

And then there’s the part that i feel he’s already aware of how I feel, so there’s no point in saying it anymore even tho I’m incredibly hurt over and over again. But he won’t do anything about it. And I dont get why.