#idk this is just bringing up a lot of past feelings
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#Been in a serious long term relationship for 5 years now & we are engaged but she is having a sexuality crisis currently &#it’s not that she’s not attracted to me but she is really leaving into her sapphic side which is great slay except I am not a woman and#align myself no where near that side of the aisle & shes throwing around the lesbian label which is like complicated & I don’t care who call#calls themselves what but my previous shitty relationship a similar issue arose & I know I’m feeling triggered by it because of my ex shit#but I really don’t like the idea that I fit into that category which like I know there are non-binary lesbians and lesbians who date#non-binary ppl#but I do not call myself no binary to the general populace & I present 100% as a man#also I hate the non-binary label for myself despite not 100% identifying as a man#idk this is just bringing up a lot of past feelings#like I am full bearded ass motherfucker like it just makes me really uncomfortable but also I don’t wanna rain on her self discovery era#I am a queer masc transexual like that’s what I identify with these days#We just never have 'relationship' issues so this is making me nauseous & I know it s the past trauma#but fucking ugh#it’s also that she low key doesn’t refer to me in online spaces so she comes across ~more queer~ which is not to say she isn’t queer it’s#just makes me feel yucky#and none of it really matters and our relationship is just our business but ugh#cryptid rants
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top 3 fave bbys in the burrito show (bonus SUPER LONG tags on how i feel bout the characters)
#my art#boruto naruto next generations#sarada uchiha#shikadai nara#inojin yamanaka#in no particular order except sarada is my fav- i think she shouldve been main focus- girl brings all of og team 7 together at all times#just her family history alone is very interesting and i WISH we had seen a convo with sausage boi about her uncle and just everything#but shes a pretty solid character on her own- VERY good mix of both parents yet still being her own self#shikadai is funny i really like seeing him- hes a sight for sore eyes- bro got EVERYTHING from his dad minus his eyes and maybe hair#his dynamic with boruto being besties is really fun to watch- sarada too- with both shika and sara being geniuses and all#i love inojin's simplicity and how ordinary he is.... its... realistic?#hes artistically talented yes with his ninja art stuff but everything else hes kinda... mundane? at times even bad?#Considering every other prev gen child's got all these cool stuff goin on- i like that hes just... kinda normal... i like that about him#boruto i actually do like as well- he'd make a GREAT support character- i love how big bro he is and how he wants to stand up for others#hes a lot like naruto in that way- and might be a hot topic to say this but i also like how - in his very first arc- boruto hates the hokag#not his dad but internalized that the job took his dad away from him- regardless on criticism i think that concept is really neat#i am not well versed in what the story is now for boruto- ive just kinda picked my snacks on what i wanna watch lmao#but i do wish there was more showings of slice of life for all the kids- cuz they are all really interesting- especially for prev gen's kid#>>wished they did timetravel arc with sarada so we coulda seen young sasuke & sakura interact with boruto and sarada T_T#one last note: borusara is very interesting- but i actually prefer them just being friends- at most friends with crushes on eachother#i do think its cute but i like the dynamic of it being unrequited idk its new for me i just prefer them as friends with crushes lmao#prob cuz they work as characters independently Im not really interested in ANY of the new gen hookin up- borusara is the most interesting#i mean it IS the ONLY one being pushed canonically but i like it- that boruto looks out for sarada and sarada worries for boruto#but ya i wish boruto was like mitsuki in being a side character - i think a LOT more people will find him less annoying that way#though- i REALLY want more sarada and sasuke dynamics being shown- actually the uchiha fam a TON more than what we got#they are just SUPER interesting to me lmao#im a sucker for the emo boy turns soft and has family and bonds with their kids- its one of my favourite things in media#i feel like scraping the ocean floor when im trying to find quality sasuke and sarada art pieces and story stuff#cuz ive exhausted all the content in these past what 2-3 years of knowing both boruto- and now more recently - naruto#(yes im one of those people who knew boruto before naruto- smite me)
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Honestly could we throw out the idea that totk's story issue is that it isn't consistent with the lore of the older games but instead drops intresting world building from botw because it might have gotten actually dark
#seriously eveeyone keeps up bring up the triforce not being the same like the older games instead of HEY why DOES the royal family just.....#have it#like all of it#and was the sheikah tech from the last game that functions the same was as light arrows/the biden blast was uh#how do i put this#how did they weaponize lightmagic in robots and does this all tie in with the “banishment” thing#or idk dropped point from botw zelda's fucking chracter arc#i know it ended with LOOOK!!!! YOU FUCKED UP BY DOING WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS RIGHT#But damn they could of just not done that shit in totk making her just the#what was jt#idk man they just keep taking away her agency#man and it sucks cuz the dragon is so cool but mf shes forced to do it what she gonna do stay in the past and DIE?#idk man it just all feels hasty. makes me sad#and it sucks cuz a lot of shit shit is really cool and intresting but man idk i may become a botw zelda deserved a better weiter for her#becuase girl she needs a break. not saying chracters cant go through hardship#but there is something so nasty about the framing of youll never be anything but eveey past princess zelda trope and nothing more#instead of a crystal she turns into a dragon like guys this is the same as skyward sword but idk man is it werd to say#when Hylia does it aginst a thing that wants to steal the god triangles and is also a god its like yeah you had no other choice#how the fuck did one fuckass stone make ganondorf into a god like being you would think that like#mannwhy are the stones THAT powerful and why werent the other bitches able to take them down what because#did#did rauru give sonia the equivalent of the one ring at their wedding hey wait a fuck#sorry for all my spelling mistakes but what the fuck man
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Redrew a Fiona from a while back, I think I finally figured out how her hair works
#fiona fox#my art#navii art#sth fanart#archie sonic#gotta be honest here. the tails-sonic-fiona relationship drama was the only shipping drama i have a problem with in archie#like of all things youre going to pit sonic and tails against. why root it in weird relationship drama?#also tails and fionas drama by itself is still weird bc of how one sided it was. im with fiona on this one#im a firm believer that she should have been sally's 'rival'. but there just wasnt enough of good tension between them to warrent it#sally bringing up fionas past was super weird given how shes fine with negotiating with worse people in other issues#idk. i have a lot to say on fiona- i just think she couldve been more fleshed out beyond scrouge's girlfriend#if anyone has thoughts on her feel free to share
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Hey if you’re still enjoying and engaging with Harry Potter in any capacity you can unfollow me 😊 please and thank you
Like. I get it. I was super into it as a kid too. I did not have the social context to pick up on the antisemitism or transphobia or sexism or fatphobia or bioessentialism or racism or anything else. I also picked up on surface-level language of Fighting Back Against Evil and ascribed my own values onto what that meant and thought we were all on the same page. I remember when the original kids who grew up with the books started becoming adult fans and picking up on the (blatant!) antisemitism and everybody was still mostly willing to give JKR the benefit of the doubt on it. (“She was writing kids books!” They said. “She didn’t know she was penning a global phenomenon! She picked a common literary trend in European fairy tales (antisemitic caricature) and didn’t examine it closely. It’s a mistake anyone could make,” we said. “She would probably do things differently now. After all, she word-of-god confirmed the vaguest hints she dropped that Dumbledore might be gay,” we said.) There was actually a span of several years where biases inherent in the actual real content of the Harry Potter series were coming to light and even the people pointing them out still seemed mostly to think it was an unfortunate accident.
That time has passed. Years ago! We are long past the first months of “maybe she doesn’t realize this seemingly-feminist tweet she liked was made by a noted TERF” and then “how could she not realize that these many veiled TERF-y things she’s retweeted have implications for the many queer fans of her work” and finally “oh wow okay JKR just dropped an entire transphobic manifesto on twitter. I guess the transphobia was the point.”
Yeah, there were a few months after that where people were still processing and still working through how they felt about Harry Potter and all of its flaws with the context of the now open transphobia of the creator. I was there for that. Remember how I was one of the kids who built it up into something noble and worthwhile based on my own beliefs about what messages it was probably trying to convey? Turns out it wasn’t trying to say any of those things, and when you take the time to examine all of the terrible shit that made its way into the text whether JKR intended it to be there or not, the whole series falls apart. It’s weird to discover that there’s a room in your house that’s rotten to the core, but eventually you figure out you can’t live like that, still going in there and holding your nose and pretending it’s still the same room you thought it was when the termites were only inside of the walls and hadn’t yet started chewing their way through the furniture. Because what’s going to happen is that they are going to infest the rest of your house. If you decide you can ignore transphobia and antisemitism and everything else just because you liked the color of the wallpaper, the rest of your principles are going to crumble too. You get rid of that fucking room. You put those books on a high shelf in the back of your closet behind other outgrown clothes and interests and you move the fuck on.
JKR uses the money made from her transphobic antisemitic children’s books to actively funding hate groups and to lobby for legislation that will and has actually affected the actual lives of trans people in an entire country. We are past the point of grieving something you were wrong about in childhood. Kids are wrong about a lot of stuff. You grow up and you learn new information and you change your behaviors based on it. You have to choose. It is transphobic to pretend there is not transphobia where there is. It is transphobic to support the work of someone who is using those funds to take rights from trans people with every fucking dollar. It is hateful to continue to engage positively with a story that at its very core is rooted in hate and bigotry and prejudice. You can choose to do all of those things but you cannot claim ignorance of them and you cannot choose those things and still pretend that choosing them upholds the values we convinced ourselves that Harry Potter stood for over a decade ago as uninformed children. You cannot choose to do those things and pretend to still support your trans and queer and Jewish neighbors. I do not want you in my neighborhood. Leave.
#mine#Harry potter cw#yeah I don’t want to see or think about this shit either and I’m sure most of my followers are on the same page of just like. let’s wipe it#from the public consciousness and do our best to just completely ignore it and forget it existed and in doing so take away JKRs platform and#influence and also stop the continued harm the series will do by propagated hateful biases in people who continue to read it#but despite heavily culling my feed over the course of the past several years and thankfully mostly not seeing HP fandom things anymore#I’ve been seeing a lot of responses today to people defending it and honestly I forget that there are still people out there doing that who#think they are just fine and normal fandom people with non-hateful and terrible interests and it makes me so angry#maybe more so because like. I was there too! I was annoyingly obsessed with Harry Potter from the ages of idk seven? up until whenever JKR#started being openly transphobic. I have so much fucking knowledge about this book series that will never leave my brain. and yeah it was#weird and hard to have to rethink things and realize that no actually it does feel bad and uncomfortable to continue to be a fan even#passively of these books. it was a big part of my childhood and several of my friendships. I fully get it. I was the weird kid also.#it was weird and hard to say oh actually this sucks and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. but I did it! I got there! because it was#more important to care about real actual things and people than it is to fondly remember a book series for children.#and at the time it felt like maybe I did hang on a little longer than I could have and was a little later than some people and figuring out#my feelings and moving on from the whole thing. but it was still fucking years ago. and you’re still here?#because you like the color of the wallpaper in this shitty rotten broken down tacked on room? because we used to spend time there together?#buddy the room was giving us lead poisoning the whole time and the rest of us have accepted that and we are all outside doing other things.#you will find connection and community in so many places in your life. I promise. get the fuck out of that terrible awful room#and for gods sake stop bring out handfuls of mold you found under the floorboards and shoving it in our faces#nobody fucking wants this. we did it. we’re done.#so yeah I think I have an extra level of disdain because I know from personal experience that it’s not *that* fucking hard to care more#about real life trans people than about antisemitic children’s books.
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oh there's something particularly painful about my mister in that dong hoon tells ji an that as long as no one knows, it's no big deal, and there's something particularly painful about how ji an tells dong hoon that sometimes, i want [my secret] to play out on big screens for everyone to see, and there's something particularly painful about how the second dong hoon meets the loan shark tormenting ji an, he starts screaming and yelling about how she's just a kid, how could you do that to a kid, and there's something particularly painful about how dong hoon doesn't even let ji an know he did that, but ji an knows. she knows because she was listening in the entire time and she just starts crying because someone actually knows this ugly, sad part of her and still took her side, and something particularly painful about how my mister started with as long as no one knows, it's no big deal but really concludes with there is so much risk in having someone know who you are but there's also so much comfort and peace to be found in that, too and maybe you shouldn't isolate yourself and maybe you should reach for that kind of comfort in being known and loved anyways
#caroline talks#my mister#if this is incoherent. it should be#rewatched the first 2.5 episodes of my mister last night#felt like crying my eyes out the entire time tbh!!#every time i watch this show there's just something about it that hurts me more and more and there's something that makes the messages#in this show feel more and more relevant#idk. thinking a lot about when ji an talks about how sometimes she wishes. sometimes she wishes#that everyone knew what she'd done and what had been done to her.#something about how ji an can't ever bring herself to connect truly with another person because of how much she hates#the feeling of people realizing what her past looks like#and not wanting to withstand the pity and also horror. like. okay.#something about ji an sobbing by the bridge when she listens to dong hoon pummeling that loan shark guy#and how i used to always cry at that scene but now i tear up just thinking about it#because you know! there's that shock (that firstly: someone knows your miserable secret. and secondly: they're still on your side)#and then absolute heartache because you don't know what to do with that information. you didn't expect it.#you're sobbing at a bridge because someone knows who you are and someone knows the scars of your past and still gets angry and sad for you.#and you still feel like you don't deserve it because you know deep down you are not a very good person (or so you tell yourself).#and. oughough. lee ji an holds such a place in my miserable little heart
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i feel like p4's writers simultaneously wanted to address the issue of homophobia and also had literally no idea how to and gave up partway through-
#puppy rambles#persona 4#p4#which is simultaneously amusing and upsetting#idk i wanna give the writers the benefit of the doubt here. it was 2009 so i can't fully blame them even if it's obviously still lame#it def feels like that's what they were going for with kanji's arc at first#and i feel like it probably would've been at least somewhat addressed had yosuke's romance not been removed#but they kinda just. don't bring it up past the camping trip ever#hope they can get better at this kind of thing in the future#given p3p (which iirc did release after og p4) and p3r i do feel like they probably can. they're taking a step in the right direction#who knows though. i hope they do get better and that if they ever remake p4 that they amend this stuff#for the record i'm not fully knowledgeable on some of this stuff cuz i've been playing modded#and have the version of the yosuke romance mod that changes that one scene during the camping trip to not be homophobic-#persona games are products of their time in a lot of cases and this is how that's reflected for p4 sadly 😔
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if a character in a fictional romance is/was a fuckboy, i need them to be falling to their knees and becoming a complete simp over their love interest. i need to see you become a lovesick idiot who suddenly has no idea how to act around the person you like and who is a complete embarrassment to watch. these are non-negotiable rules
#i'm looking at you biyu su#LISTEN#i recently read one last stop and it was really fucking cute okay I was kicking my feet and smiling so hard#BUT I WANTED MORE SIMPING FROM BIYU!!#i couldn't even tell if this girl remotely had any feelings for august until she confessed#like there should have been more signs bc I feel like there wasn't enough build up or foreshadowing of her feelings#this girl was mentioning past partners left and right and getting excited to go back to the seventies and like BRO WHAT IS HAPPENING#I wanted to see more of her getting jealous and angsty for august I'm sorry 😔#I would've even accepted a post-confession explanation of her behaviours#like admitting the radio stuff was her way of expressing affection and she mentioned her past partners to tease august idk man??#anyways I didn't feel fully convinced of her emotions esp bc she didn't seem to bring up her admiration of august outside of the confession#and there just didn't seem like a lot of times where she subtly or obviously conveyed her emotions#anyways 🤪 lmk if you want more thoughts on the book LOLLL#one last stop spoilers#casey mcquiston#ols spoilers
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So sorry but I don’t think I will ever rock with noncon js bc it feels very much like disguised glamorization??? To me atleast, I’m not exactly shaking in my boots to offend somebody who likes it, live and let live, but I will never be able to digest any rape or noncon without feeling madly uncomfortable
#bringing it up bc I’ve gotten a few on my feed recently#and I’m sorry but I have to scroll past them ASAP#read what you want do what you want but it’s definitely not for me#to ME PERSONALLY it feels a lot like disguised glamorization of women’s violations#and maybe it’s the raging feminism in me that makes me completely unable to look past that#idk#just yappin#francescas anthology#I do live by the rule of#if you don’t like it don’t read it#but I did want to say something about it#bc I can’t keep a single thought to myself#and THIS IS MY BLOG!!! I CAN SAY WHAT I WANT!!!!
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#i rly didn’t want to start therapy again bc I’ve had many bad therapy experiences in the past#and i’m also ashamed and terrified of what might come up bc i know there are many things i have been actively avoiding#which i know is precisely the reason why i should be doing it but#i just feel like it will bring up so much that i’ll feel a lot worse before i feel better and idk if i’m in the right state for that now#but i also feel like i’m reaching a breaking point and if i don’t seek help now i’ll end up ruining so many of my relationships#and disappointing so many people. not to mention that i’ve been slipping more and more at work every day#and the pressure to be absolutely perfect at it at all times never goes away#anyway. all this to say that i think i have to do it but i’m rly afraid#so would appreciate some love and prayers
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Some days I'm pretty content with my childhood other days I'm ripping my hair out because it just doesn't add up !! someone is hiding things from me !! I don't trust anyone !!
#im studying 'family as a psycosocial context' rn and its been pretty interesting!#and i was talking to my mom an article with an evolutionary perspective#bc we've talked before abt how this area of psychology can come off as dismissive abt socioeconomic factors & put unfair pressure on mothers#so i brought it up bc the paper didnt define parenting in terms of good/bad which was interesting !#but then at the end i said something abt 'the article talks abt abuse which obviously isnt relevant for me'#and she wouldnt answer me but her eyes were all watery and weird and I DONT LIKE THAT#like girl 😟 i was coming to terms with the occasional childhood neglect but abuse ? dont even tell me that bc what#like i know things werent perfect for me growing up but i hate how weird my mom is abt everything#and she starts crying if we get too much into it so i feel a little bad bringing it up#i also feel like when i do get new information abt something in my past it always makes me have a crisis#so maybe its just not worth it ?#bc i do feel like im in a rly good place rn and i dont need to know if i was 'abused' whatever that means#what i do know is bad enough and makes me sad as it is#i think the reason i get so paranoid abt it is because i have trouble remembering the stuff that has been told to me#and some vague things i do remember have been refuted ? so i cant rly trust my own memory#but idk if i can trust anyone else either#i mean i do trust my mom generally but shes so emotional and guilt-prone that im not sure what to believe#what i do know for sure is that there is a lot shes holding back in terms of what shes told me#which i dint love tbh#personal
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#monabugtxt#okay gonna positively rant rn but idk i know tumblr is still shit but idk! these past months that ive been using it made me happy#like i feel the joy i once had for fandoms/whatever and drawing like it was back in highschool...#it just feels freeing to reblog n tag 'me :)'...... so cool.........#also i still do have the option to make a customized tumblr page but ive been too lazy to do but its there as an option. and its cool#and i feel i wont get too many followers here? (love em but my previous accounts ive gotten a bit too much.... ik some would kill to have a#a lot of followers but its just stressful to me ;0( so me staying around 1k rn is nice :0) tho ik itll prob go up ofc)#ANYWAY i just love using this shitty site ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ it brings me joy
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cannot stop thinking about yungi youth mv
#like what if i throw up#it's about the trauma and the tiredness and picking yourself back up and moving on it's about friendship and home#they lost sight of each other when they were so focused on themselves and their own shit#the shot of mingi in front of the mirrors where the center one is himself and the rest are yunho with his back towards him like !!!!!!!!!!!!#their old coping mechanisms not working#mingi used to use music to shut out the world so he could be alone but now it brings him back to yunho but yunho isn't THEREEEEE#yunho picked up his lore!brother's guitar bc it had been his dream before he died and he was grieving him but here he's smashing it on the-#-wrecked car the thing that took his brother away from him#and u can SEE yunho dancing in the burning house even in the 2 different sets u see flames through the windows#and mingi is watching the cabin burn alone until yunho walks into frame and we can breathe bc he's no longer trapping himself in that house#AND THE LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN HE TURNS TO MINGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII#IT'S LIKE. WE'RE BOTH HERE. WE MADE IT AND WE'RE STILL TOGETHER.#gonna puke. idk if anything i've said makes sense it's after midnight and my head is a jumble they just got me feeling a lot#it's about the loneliness it's about the grief it's about watching ur past in third person it's about returning to yourself in the present#mingi i love u forever and ever. his lyrics have always hit the hardest like he Gets me#god this is just such a fever era song so ofc i'm obsessed like the lyrics in that series just fuckin HIT#they talk abt how hard and lonely and scary and confusing and tiring it is growing up and i start thrashing and clawing at the walls#how wonderful to not only be alive at the same time as atz but to be the same age & have similar experiences so their music feels like a hug#like. i'm not alone huh#ANYWAY. did not come here with the intention of saying anything in the tags i was just gonna post that picture but alas#kara can talk
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ngl. unconsciously disengaging from this website has been hdjfkg kinda good for my mental health overall? like yes im still dhdjfjf left out of a lot of stuff BUT i see it less so that means my feelings don’t get as hurt lmao. functionally that’s more or less the same thing probably?
going recluse isn’t what i ever want to do (& I didn’t even do it on purpose, just got busy and had a low social battery because of it) but aside from me being overall comfortable by myself, it just kind of seems like it’s where people are content to leave me. doesn’t feel great but it is what it is.
#not rly on discord servers for the same reason tbh#got tired of trying to interject my awkward attempts at participation#I mean people can still @ me but i just don’t have it in me for the server stuff#my social perception is low enough that I can’t tell what the right move is but high enough I know when I fucked up#idk if I’m just not built for larger groups or if it’s something else :(#wish I knew so I could work around it but it’s not exactly a perfect experiment#so w/e. I do kind of miss it a bit but I also feel like my absence doesn’t make a difference#which is a sad thought in itself but that’s how it goes#idk I think in general I’m in a weird spot where I make an impression but it’s never a vital one to the dynamic ?#I do sometimes doubt like. what I bring to interactions in general lately#doesn’t feel like much if I’m being honest. I mean I think I’m at least moderately interesting but djfjf who knows#weirdly settled with myself as a person but I’m thinking that cost is probably an isolating one#knowing a lot of people just never breaking past that surface level#sucks. not much else to describe it as.#idk I’m sure this is bad for me but I think I’ve kind of already messed up first impressions#it’s so stupid but I keep encountering the same dynamic of either we Click fairly quickly or we just don’t really at all#and I feel like that’s wrong of me bc I know some people need time but unless that initial click happens I just seem to falter??#idk idk idk I guess lately it’s like I feel alone/lonely but I don’t feel like I’m wanting to return to anything#bc I never felt like I really had a place there to start with#weird feeling. very weird feeling.#logging back off now dhjfkf
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every single day i log onto this app with hannibal on the brain is one day closer to my inevitably 5k word essay on the similarities and differences between zenoswol & hannigram. these are not at all related but they are both part of my special interests so they are now
#sonething something mutual destruction & love through violence & affection/hatred &-#but also something about how zenos assumes a lot which hannibal tends to leave up to will. statements & questions. therapist & enemy.#the difference in setting. the all of it. i am going insane thinking about this and i am alone jn this#its the autism.#it is 4 am i have exams tomorrow i should not still be awake but im THINKING. AGAIN.#also the way hannigram definitely affected the way i viewed zenos like. in general#aromanticism also factors into this#i like exploring my own psychology its like pretending to feel my emotions by being aware of them#surviving things they shouldnt?? doing things that in a normal person relationship would be absolutely horrible???#(idk whether hijacking someones body to kill their friends or trying to saw someones head open is worse)#(but neither of those things really seem like a healthy thing to do)#the whole 'idk what this emotion is so im killing you' vibe. 'try to kill me you are the first and only one i want to die to'#theyre like cats bringing home dead mice. i dont want ur dead mouse but i know you do it out of love so thanks man. pls stop tho#also one of my ocs (tma oc actually) served the end & sacrificed those they loved to it.#killing as a form of love. not a mercy kill (tho ive used that as well!) but just.#fucked up little guys who believe that killing someone is the ultimate show of love. who cannot see past the violence#oughhhhh#i miss my tma oc they were cool i should go back to them
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I'm not trying to be awful i just FEEL awful and my chest wont stop clamping around my heart and trying to KILL ME
#system babbles#i swear to god people around me always just fucking told me i was faking or overdramatic or whatever the fuck#but I'm trying so hard and that doesn't just MAKE me better. i dont just stop feeling sad and afraid and hurt#im hurting and im not accusing anyone of causing it because I am the one to bring a lot of the trouble around. but i just.i cant.i cant make#it stop. I can't. it's hurting right now and i cant breathe and i always just feel like crying and im sorry for that but god damn#as if every minute of every second isnt filled with “its gonna be okay. that's alright we'll work it out. it isnt like that” and#like other reassurances from headspace and elsewhere im just hurting. like maybe im broken then. fuck like.#god i hate getting like this because it just makes my self loathing burn so fucking hot and rampant.#what do i do to make it better. how could it possibly get better when im clearly not improving. i thought i was.#i really thought i was better but I'm hurtful and act careless and selfishly#I'm everything they fucking said i was and it doesn't feel like it's okay right now. i consistently feel like im in trouble#or like I'm about to say something to fuck everything up. I've never once thought low of the ones i love so much but i always get labeled#the villain#i always end up being some fucking abuser in their past. I don't want to be in the past. im so tired and im so tired of feeling sad#why is everything my fault. the blanket. the bills#the food. the car. the bed the medicine the anything else#i just contribute so little i feel like#and idk what to do with all the heavy in my chest because it just looks like a fucking toddler tantrum when it feels like#im facing the final boss of my mental illness and i do fear my health bar is extremely low#I'm trying. i really am I'm trying. I'm not just looking for reasons to be sad i swear to god im trying
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