#idk this is just bringing up a lot of past feelings
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digiblueslush · 2 days ago
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OMG MORE THOUGHTS I literally have so many deep analysis-obdervational thoughts and they're all so complex but I can only explain so many. Here is one about Dan and Phil tho lolz
this became 4x the initially intended length, so cut for convenience and a tldr: Dan and Phil are great, other couple's/relationship content is icky to me, I feel out of place when it comes to irl friends and their relationships, Dan and Phil are great because they're both individuals and a unit at the same time, and I don't feel there is a side to be picked. Dan and Phil are great because they are best friends and not just a romantic or sexual unit. Dan and Phil are great because they are Dan and Phil and they aren't trying to fit any kind of mold. Dan and Phil are just great.
The blurb that is directly about DNP is blue if you only want DNP yappage :3
I find it kind of interesting the way I (and probably some amount of others) feel about Dan and Phil as a "unit" compared to literally any other couple. Cuz ok, not gonna lie but I really hate watching couples YouTube channels or other social media things in any direction. If it's trying to be sexy or something I hate it, if it's trying to be funny, I hate it, I hate those videos where couples do those tests on each other even if it ends well, it sends such an icky vibe my way. I usually really don't like those sappy/wholesome couples videos, but every now and then there's one thats nice (but usually because it has ties to something else that I really like). I dont know if it's just something so overdone or if I feel like I'm seeing something too personal or if its just overall bad, but I just really don't enjoy it
I don't have many friends, nor many friends in relationships, but I've observed even then that I feel out of place for lack of better phrasing. I find the crush phase fun cuz it gives me an excuse to a. Hype up my friends and b. Tell them they're being stupid and overly worried, and I also love seeing them get all excited about something. And I like hearing about the initial couple weeks of a relationship too when new things are being unearthed about both people, but past that I just feel, awkward I guess? I usually know one person as a friend, and the other as an extension of the friend, and I only talk to the other person as such, but sometimes if a friend is complaining about something their partner said, if I say no they had a valid point, I feel like I'm being a bad friend, but it's untruthful if I say my friend is always in the right. I already never know what to do in social situations and adding in another person that I basically all I know about them is their highs and lows and when they're picking a friend up just completely shot putts my social processing to the moon. Out of all of the relationships I have observed with friends, there has quite literally only been 1 where it doesn't feel awkward for both conversations with one or the other and both at the same time, and that couple is basically if Dan and Phil were lesbian stoners lolz. Idk if this part makes sense lolz I rambled for wayyyy too long. (And also I don't mean that if we do talk more personally that I don't want to hear about your relationship if you're in one. If it is something you're excited or upset about and you want to talk to me about it I am quite literally all ears, I am very nosey lolz. It might just be poor experience with past friends as well, but I may need more or less thorough descriptions of things and a general what's cool what's not cool to bring up)
Getting back on track tho, I think Dan and Phil and so great because I am able to see them as individuals as well as a unit. None of their content is about whatever they have going on, and even though we all know what going steady 400 year old tortoises means, I could see very similar content being made by 2 actually just best friends. I think that's another reason why they're so great. A lot of times with publicized relationship things, it is so, SO focused on the romantic or sexual aspect that people forget that so much of a relationship is just doing best friend things. I'll leave my identity and existential and social concept crises out of this, but realistically (I'll specify, I'm not talking about unhealthy or toxic relationships) relationships are mostly just existing in the same space together, seeing something that reminded you of them and showing it to them, jokingly insulting them, and doing things together. Nobody is constantly wearing fancy clothes and professing their love. It feels just so natural and simple. They're able to exist as Dan Howell and Phil Lester, AND exist as Dan and Phil, and having it not be just one side or the other, yet they're still connected enough that even when I watch one of them as an individual more than the other one, I don't feel like I'm being placed into this "Dan is better" "Phil is better" box that most other relationship things put me in, and I can equally praise and insult them both :3
Ramble over DAMN I was like "this is gonna be a short one" and tis not a short one -_____- oh well. WHAT CAN I SAY the autism, Vyvanse, no school no not for fun/personal projects going on deluxe wombo combo going on is going on HARD lmao
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velvetvexations · 1 day ago
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wasg going to send a more coherent ask but it became. this. thanks for listening if you do and have a nice day :)
i really really dont want to assume anything but sincerely a lot of the gender discourse sounds really really fuckin american. like im not trying to say that everyone dismissing t-androphobia is american but it is sincerely kind of breathtaking how many people think bigotry is this kind of inherent brainworm that transcends culture, context, and all physical boundaries
when sometimes it is literally necessary to understand that a lot of this Is just a distribution issue. the world and people's lives are massively narrow and patchy. posts like "you never see x happening" drive me bonkers because literally doesn't mean anything? it's the black swan paradox all again. i feel like it's done me a world of good to realize that i could run around at a speed of 10 mph for the rest of my life and still not be able to see 90% of what people experience and know to be real
also a huge part of this debate leaves me scratching my head because there's this assumption that someone who does not experience some sort of oppression is forever unable to understand such oppression...and then as this idea evolves we get all sorts of fun varieties like "trying to relate to some sort of oppression with your own experiences is presumptuous appropriation" (odd to me because at least as i've been taught sometimes this can be helpful to comfort and connect to people) "doing so means you're jealous of the perceived attention oppressed people get" (this one is silly to me) "everyone different from you can never actually ever be your friend because your oppression is central to your identity and if they don't understand it they will tear you down" (just downright not true, in my experience, though of course, it's also entirely possible that for someone else's experience, it HAS been true.)
i don’t necessarily think that anyone who buys into the tma/tme divide is just someone who has never experienced oppression before, though. honestly, some of the blogs vilest towards transmascs are, from what ive seen, run by people who are struggling or isolated currently. i can’t help but feel like this rhetoric is preying on people who feel alone and perceived as an animal by everyone around them by telling them that this is true, but that this time their isolation can be self-imposed to keep all those enemies out. it all leaves a really fuckin bad taste in my mouth that it especially targets vulnerable people.
(failed coherent ask anon) more rambling idk if this would have fit into one asks’ wordcount. people are bringing up past ace discourse and i agree. almost all of the posts are also phrased in a similar way, just kinda funny to me. anyways, it’s actually a really cowardly maneuver every time. it goes like this: we have determined group A is mathematically less oppressed than the umbrella group we have determined that us, group B, are mathematically oppressed more for a multitude of reasons, we bully and belittle group A bonus steps: find discussions that are naturally happening around the oppression of group A and convince people that these discussions are silencing, proof of jealousy of oppression, proof of some uniting whinyness/cringyness/personality defect of the whole group, or proof of oppression towards group B people react to us bullying and belittling group A no matter how vile the bullying, no matter how harmful the bullying proves to be, no matter how much proof of real oppression group A may provide, you can brush it off because of the main mantra, “group A is not oppressed but group B is.” we can structure every conflict between the two as inherently oppressive because A are always the oppressors, and B are always the oppressed. final step: if anyone from group A calls out the bullying, we can again go to bonus step 4 and use this as proof that A are trying to make themselves out to be oppressed, which is ridiculous, because A are and always have been oppressors it’s such a lazy, automatic argument. ace attorney would eat those chucklefucks up. (i know nothing about ace attorney)
My Ace Attourney fan friend probably agrees lol. Such circular fucking logic.
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damndude69 · 8 months ago
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#Been in a serious long term relationship for 5 years now & we are engaged but she is having a sexuality crisis currently &#it’s not that she’s not attracted to me but she is really leaving into her sapphic side which is great slay except I am not a woman and#align myself no where near that side of the aisle & shes throwing around the lesbian label which is like complicated & I don’t care who call#calls themselves what but my previous shitty relationship a similar issue arose & I know I’m feeling triggered by it because of my ex shit#but I really don’t like the idea that I fit into that category which like I know there are non-binary lesbians and lesbians who date#non-binary ppl#but I do not call myself no binary to the general populace & I present 100% as a man#also I hate the non-binary label for myself despite not 100% identifying as a man#idk this is just bringing up a lot of past feelings#like I am full bearded ass motherfucker like it just makes me really uncomfortable but also I don’t wanna rain on her self discovery era#I am a queer masc transexual like that’s what I identify with these days#We just never have 'relationship' issues so this is making me nauseous & I know it s the past trauma#but fucking ugh#it’s also that she low key doesn’t refer to me in online spaces so she comes across ~more queer~ which is not to say she isn’t queer it’s#just makes me feel yucky#and none of it really matters and our relationship is just our business but ugh#cryptid rants
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dykedvonte · 26 days ago
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I think the most baffling thing about the Tulpar as a vessel to me is the fact that the ship really did only have a one way communication system.
I know it was cheap but even the most basic of vessels regarding major transport would have some way, shape or form for outside communication. Not only that but there was absolutely no form of innate emergency signal to show they may have been offline or in trouble despite clearly having a system to dock credits if they went off course. It's another factor that really shows that bad situations are made to get worse by design. One person who is required to relay all information to the crew and make all the choices without feedback. No way to update or call for help in case of a dire situation. No way to inform of inner personal conflicts and acquire procedures accordingly.
It really is like they are all in some sort of fucked up solitary confinement. They have their own world with strict roles that are meaningless in the end, as long as the cargo makes it, it doesn't matter what happens on that ship to the company. They don't want to hear anything and will come to conclusions on what happened based on how much pay they can withhold from the workers. Even what they do send is short, sterile and corporate to the extent it was likely written and sent out with a command by some random unmanned computer in an office.
There's something to be said about how unfair it is to force absolute power and control onto one person when you as an entity could do so much more to offload it but I've said it many times before so I won't again.
#its just like idk i dont think Curly was a bad captain because we only have this scenerio and I certainly dont think a man like Swansea#would like him or have very little issues with him specifically if he was incompentent or too lienent in the past but I do think the stress#was making him worse and worse as being a present leader as it dawned on him how much he actually had to handle like I really think he#just wanted to do yknow normal captain pilot stuff and fly the ship and yknow the little stuff like make sure things run right and over tim#the constant stress and strain of having to make every major choice started to grate on him and freak him out cause they cant even fucking#eat unless he pulls out the scanner and starts cooking like he has to choose the meal likely or have a vote and i make that part of the#reason he seems so indecisive and inactive is the fact he has to make the choice all the time and he's hoping he can at least make the crew#feel a little more in control of themselves as people by staying out of affairs like the game or disputes because god he literally has to#choose for them all the time like thats a lot of responsibility monitering their sleep their breaks food consumption thats all on him like#it really should be another persons job entirely as thats almost like absoulte contrl over the lives of everyone else that PE forces onto#that title and its also crazy how everyone accepts it even if they dont like it like they broke the food machine open rather than get the#scanner they all waited two months before Jimmy appointed himself leader its so scary how conditioned they all are to the environemnt#cause that sort of mindset is sadly real where people just wait everyone just waited until it was getting real dire and then they still#followed Jimmy without too many complaints like i saw a fic or post where Anya acknowledges they all kinda just let Jimmy do what they want#because he became the captain and it was stupid on all their parts cause they could clearly see how bad he was and yet he was captain so#they just fell in line to their roles and thats a bigger point towards how PE treated them and the complacency capitalism brings to you#just like something that irks me because idk I know Curly is slow to act but he's not as like unopinionated as people make him out to be#like he does try to find solutions but they are still restricted at the end of the day by what PE provides them and I think his biggest c#crime is being in his own head too much and not giving Anya that emotional stability cause like idk man was he supposed to go to Home Depot#himself and install like padlocks? even if the let Anya sleep in medical after she pointed it out she was already pregnant at that point#like we arent seeing the inherent issue that no one not even Anya herself was thinking of the preventative measures because a)there was a#point nothing was happening that necessitated them b) it would've been the responsibility of PE to address them pre and post incident and c#there is only one person on the entire ship given the authority to do anything. You can not make multiple important choices in one instance#in such little time and Curly should not have had that total power like i think the most interesting thing in takes that really blame Curly#is that level of control they give him over the company. Like again i think about the three days we miss between the eval/party and the#convo/crash like i think people switch them around as if those scenes happen in succession when they are broken up and its heavily implied#Curly and Jimmy just havent been talking vs the depiction that she told him and for like three days Curly was just chummy despite the fact#Jimmy and him just had a blow out fight like the next time we assume they talk is during the crash sequence cause he honestly hangs#around Anya more which i think is really important because she trust Curly to defend her himself but not his judgement to give her somethin#to defend herself as she knows he believes her but also knows she's not seeing the danger the same and its heartbreaking and more
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scopophobia-polaris · 1 year ago
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Honestly could we throw out the idea that totk's story issue is that it isn't consistent with the lore of the older games but instead drops intresting world building from botw because it might have gotten actually dark
#seriously eveeyone keeps up bring up the triforce not being the same like the older games instead of HEY why DOES the royal family just.....#have it#like all of it#and was the sheikah tech from the last game that functions the same was as light arrows/the biden blast was uh#how do i put this#how did they weaponize lightmagic in robots and does this all tie in with the “banishment” thing#or idk dropped point from botw zelda's fucking chracter arc#i know it ended with LOOOK!!!! YOU FUCKED UP BY DOING WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS RIGHT#But damn they could of just not done that shit in totk making her just the#what was jt#idk man they just keep taking away her agency#man and it sucks cuz the dragon is so cool but mf shes forced to do it what she gonna do stay in the past and DIE?#idk man it just all feels hasty. makes me sad#and it sucks cuz a lot of shit shit is really cool and intresting but man idk i may become a botw zelda deserved a better weiter for her#becuase girl she needs a break. not saying chracters cant go through hardship#but there is something so nasty about the framing of youll never be anything but eveey past princess zelda trope and nothing more#instead of a crystal she turns into a dragon like guys this is the same as skyward sword but idk man is it werd to say#when Hylia does it aginst a thing that wants to steal the god triangles and is also a god its like yeah you had no other choice#how the fuck did one fuckass stone make ganondorf into a god like being you would think that like#mannwhy are the stones THAT powerful and why werent the other bitches able to take them down what because#did#did rauru give sonia the equivalent of the one ring at their wedding hey wait a fuck#sorry for all my spelling mistakes but what the fuck man
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navii-blaze · 8 months ago
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Redrew a Fiona from a while back, I think I finally figured out how her hair works
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alagaisia · 3 months ago
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Hey if you’re still enjoying and engaging with Harry Potter in any capacity you can unfollow me 😊 please and thank you
Like. I get it. I was super into it as a kid too. I did not have the social context to pick up on the antisemitism or transphobia or sexism or fatphobia or bioessentialism or racism or anything else. I also picked up on surface-level language of Fighting Back Against Evil and ascribed my own values onto what that meant and thought we were all on the same page. I remember when the original kids who grew up with the books started becoming adult fans and picking up on the (blatant!) antisemitism and everybody was still mostly willing to give JKR the benefit of the doubt on it. (“She was writing kids books!” They said. “She didn’t know she was penning a global phenomenon! She picked a common literary trend in European fairy tales (antisemitic caricature) and didn’t examine it closely. It’s a mistake anyone could make,” we said. “She would probably do things differently now. After all, she word-of-god confirmed the vaguest hints she dropped that Dumbledore might be gay,” we said.) There was actually a span of several years where biases inherent in the actual real content of the Harry Potter series were coming to light and even the people pointing them out still seemed mostly to think it was an unfortunate accident.
That time has passed. Years ago! We are long past the first months of “maybe she doesn’t realize this seemingly-feminist tweet she liked was made by a noted TERF” and then “how could she not realize that these many veiled TERF-y things she’s retweeted have implications for the many queer fans of her work” and finally “oh wow okay JKR just dropped an entire transphobic manifesto on twitter. I guess the transphobia was the point.”
Yeah, there were a few months after that where people were still processing and still working through how they felt about Harry Potter and all of its flaws with the context of the now open transphobia of the creator. I was there for that. Remember how I was one of the kids who built it up into something noble and worthwhile based on my own beliefs about what messages it was probably trying to convey? Turns out it wasn’t trying to say any of those things, and when you take the time to examine all of the terrible shit that made its way into the text whether JKR intended it to be there or not, the whole series falls apart. It’s weird to discover that there’s a room in your house that’s rotten to the core, but eventually you figure out you can’t live like that, still going in there and holding your nose and pretending it’s still the same room you thought it was when the termites were only inside of the walls and hadn’t yet started chewing their way through the furniture. Because what’s going to happen is that they are going to infest the rest of your house. If you decide you can ignore transphobia and antisemitism and everything else just because you liked the color of the wallpaper, the rest of your principles are going to crumble too. You get rid of that fucking room. You put those books on a high shelf in the back of your closet behind other outgrown clothes and interests and you move the fuck on.
JKR uses the money made from her transphobic antisemitic children’s books to actively funding hate groups and to lobby for legislation that will and has actually affected the actual lives of trans people in an entire country. We are past the point of grieving something you were wrong about in childhood. Kids are wrong about a lot of stuff. You grow up and you learn new information and you change your behaviors based on it. You have to choose. It is transphobic to pretend there is not transphobia where there is. It is transphobic to support the work of someone who is using those funds to take rights from trans people with every fucking dollar. It is hateful to continue to engage positively with a story that at its very core is rooted in hate and bigotry and prejudice. You can choose to do all of those things but you cannot claim ignorance of them and you cannot choose those things and still pretend that choosing them upholds the values we convinced ourselves that Harry Potter stood for over a decade ago as uninformed children. You cannot choose to do those things and pretend to still support your trans and queer and Jewish neighbors. I do not want you in my neighborhood. Leave.
#mine#Harry potter cw#yeah I don’t want to see or think about this shit either and I’m sure most of my followers are on the same page of just like. let’s wipe it#from the public consciousness and do our best to just completely ignore it and forget it existed and in doing so take away JKRs platform and#influence and also stop the continued harm the series will do by propagated hateful biases in people who continue to read it#but despite heavily culling my feed over the course of the past several years and thankfully mostly not seeing HP fandom things anymore#I’ve been seeing a lot of responses today to people defending it and honestly I forget that there are still people out there doing that who#think they are just fine and normal fandom people with non-hateful and terrible interests and it makes me so angry#maybe more so because like. I was there too! I was annoyingly obsessed with Harry Potter from the ages of idk seven? up until whenever JKR#started being openly transphobic. I have so much fucking knowledge about this book series that will never leave my brain. and yeah it was#weird and hard to have to rethink things and realize that no actually it does feel bad and uncomfortable to continue to be a fan even#passively of these books. it was a big part of my childhood and several of my friendships. I fully get it. I was the weird kid also.#it was weird and hard to say oh actually this sucks and I don’t want to be a part of it anymore. but I did it! I got there! because it was#more important to care about real actual things and people than it is to fondly remember a book series for children.#and at the time it felt like maybe I did hang on a little longer than I could have and was a little later than some people and figuring out#my feelings and moving on from the whole thing. but it was still fucking years ago. and you’re still here?#because you like the color of the wallpaper in this shitty rotten broken down tacked on room? because we used to spend time there together?#buddy the room was giving us lead poisoning the whole time and the rest of us have accepted that and we are all outside doing other things.#you will find connection and community in so many places in your life. I promise. get the fuck out of that terrible awful room#and for gods sake stop bring out handfuls of mold you found under the floorboards and shoving it in our faces#nobody fucking wants this. we did it. we’re done.#so yeah I think I have an extra level of disdain because I know from personal experience that it’s not *that* fucking hard to care more#about real life trans people than about antisemitic children’s books.
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katierosefun · 1 year ago
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oh there's something particularly painful about my mister in that dong hoon tells ji an that as long as no one knows, it's no big deal, and there's something particularly painful about how ji an tells dong hoon that sometimes, i want [my secret] to play out on big screens for everyone to see, and there's something particularly painful about how the second dong hoon meets the loan shark tormenting ji an, he starts screaming and yelling about how she's just a kid, how could you do that to a kid, and there's something particularly painful about how dong hoon doesn't even let ji an know he did that, but ji an knows. she knows because she was listening in the entire time and she just starts crying because someone actually knows this ugly, sad part of her and still took her side, and something particularly painful about how my mister started with as long as no one knows, it's no big deal but really concludes with there is so much risk in having someone know who you are but there's also so much comfort and peace to be found in that, too and maybe you shouldn't isolate yourself and maybe you should reach for that kind of comfort in being known and loved anyways
#caroline talks#my mister#if this is incoherent. it should be#rewatched the first 2.5 episodes of my mister last night#felt like crying my eyes out the entire time tbh!!#every time i watch this show there's just something about it that hurts me more and more and there's something that makes the messages#in this show feel more and more relevant#idk. thinking a lot about when ji an talks about how sometimes she wishes. sometimes she wishes#that everyone knew what she'd done and what had been done to her.#something about how ji an can't ever bring herself to connect truly with another person because of how much she hates#the feeling of people realizing what her past looks like#and not wanting to withstand the pity and also horror. like. okay.#something about ji an sobbing by the bridge when she listens to dong hoon pummeling that loan shark guy#and how i used to always cry at that scene but now i tear up just thinking about it#because you know! there's that shock (that firstly: someone knows your miserable secret. and secondly: they're still on your side)#and then absolute heartache because you don't know what to do with that information. you didn't expect it.#you're sobbing at a bridge because someone knows who you are and someone knows the scars of your past and still gets angry and sad for you.#and you still feel like you don't deserve it because you know deep down you are not a very good person (or so you tell yourself).#and. oughough. lee ji an holds such a place in my miserable little heart
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kumakuma-circus · 5 months ago
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i feel like p4's writers simultaneously wanted to address the issue of homophobia and also had literally no idea how to and gave up partway through-
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bloomingsalma · 6 months ago
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if a character in a fictional romance is/was a fuckboy, i need them to be falling to their knees and becoming a complete simp over their love interest. i need to see you become a lovesick idiot who suddenly has no idea how to act around the person you like and who is a complete embarrassment to watch. these are non-negotiable rules
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francixoxoxo · 5 months ago
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So sorry but I don’t think I will ever rock with noncon js bc it feels very much like disguised glamorization??? To me atleast, I’m not exactly shaking in my boots to offend somebody who likes it, live and let live, but I will never be able to digest any rape or noncon without feeling madly uncomfortable
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archiveofyearning · 1 year ago
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girl-bateman · 1 year ago
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Some days I'm pretty content with my childhood other days I'm ripping my hair out because it just doesn't add up !! someone is hiding things from me !! I don't trust anyone !!
#im studying 'family as a psycosocial context' rn and its been pretty interesting!#and i was talking to my mom an article with an evolutionary perspective#bc we've talked before abt how this area of psychology can come off as dismissive abt socioeconomic factors & put unfair pressure on mothers#so i brought it up bc the paper didnt define parenting in terms of good/bad which was interesting !#but then at the end i said something abt 'the article talks abt abuse which obviously isnt relevant for me'#and she wouldnt answer me but her eyes were all watery and weird and I DONT LIKE THAT#like girl 😟 i was coming to terms with the occasional childhood neglect but abuse ? dont even tell me that bc what#like i know things werent perfect for me growing up but i hate how weird my mom is abt everything#and she starts crying if we get too much into it so i feel a little bad bringing it up#i also feel like when i do get new information abt something in my past it always makes me have a crisis#so maybe its just not worth it ?#bc i do feel like im in a rly good place rn and i dont need to know if i was 'abused' whatever that means#what i do know is bad enough and makes me sad as it is#i think the reason i get so paranoid abt it is because i have trouble remembering the stuff that has been told to me#and some vague things i do remember have been refuted ? so i cant rly trust my own memory#but idk if i can trust anyone else either#i mean i do trust my mom generally but shes so emotional and guilt-prone that im not sure what to believe#what i do know for sure is that there is a lot shes holding back in terms of what shes told me#which i dint love tbh#personal
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gfwooyo · 11 months ago
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cannot stop thinking about yungi youth mv
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#like what if i throw up#it's about the trauma and the tiredness and picking yourself back up and moving on it's about friendship and home#they lost sight of each other when they were so focused on themselves and their own shit#the shot of mingi in front of the mirrors where the center one is himself and the rest are yunho with his back towards him like !!!!!!!!!!!!#their old coping mechanisms not working#mingi used to use music to shut out the world so he could be alone but now it brings him back to yunho but yunho isn't THEREEEEE#yunho picked up his lore!brother's guitar bc it had been his dream before he died and he was grieving him but here he's smashing it on the-#-wrecked car the thing that took his brother away from him#and u can SEE yunho dancing in the burning house even in the 2 different sets u see flames through the windows#and mingi is watching the cabin burn alone until yunho walks into frame and we can breathe bc he's no longer trapping himself in that house#AND THE LOOK ON HIS FACE WHEN HE TURNS TO MINGIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII#IT'S LIKE. WE'RE BOTH HERE. WE MADE IT AND WE'RE STILL TOGETHER.#gonna puke. idk if anything i've said makes sense it's after midnight and my head is a jumble they just got me feeling a lot#it's about the loneliness it's about the grief it's about watching ur past in third person it's about returning to yourself in the present#mingi i love u forever and ever. his lyrics have always hit the hardest like he Gets me#god this is just such a fever era song so ofc i'm obsessed like the lyrics in that series just fuckin HIT#they talk abt how hard and lonely and scary and confusing and tiring it is growing up and i start thrashing and clawing at the walls#how wonderful to not only be alive at the same time as atz but to be the same age & have similar experiences so their music feels like a hug#like. i'm not alone huh#ANYWAY. did not come here with the intention of saying anything in the tags i was just gonna post that picture but alas#kara can talk
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vampiremourning · 1 year ago
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ngl. unconsciously disengaging from this website has been hdjfkg kinda good for my mental health overall? like yes im still dhdjfjf left out of a lot of stuff BUT i see it less so that means my feelings don’t get as hurt lmao. functionally that’s more or less the same thing probably?
going recluse isn’t what i ever want to do (& I didn’t even do it on purpose, just got busy and had a low social battery because of it) but aside from me being overall comfortable by myself, it just kind of seems like it’s where people are content to leave me. doesn’t feel great but it is what it is.
#not rly on discord servers for the same reason tbh#got tired of trying to interject my awkward attempts at participation#I mean people can still @ me but i just don’t have it in me for the server stuff#my social perception is low enough that I can’t tell what the right move is but high enough I know when I fucked up#idk if I’m just not built for larger groups or if it’s something else :(#wish I knew so I could work around it but it’s not exactly a perfect experiment#so w/e. I do kind of miss it a bit but I also feel like my absence doesn’t make a difference#which is a sad thought in itself but that’s how it goes#idk I think in general I’m in a weird spot where I make an impression but it’s never a vital one to the dynamic ?#I do sometimes doubt like. what I bring to interactions in general lately#doesn’t feel like much if I’m being honest. I mean I think I’m at least moderately interesting but djfjf who knows#weirdly settled with myself as a person but I’m thinking that cost is probably an isolating one#knowing a lot of people just never breaking past that surface level#sucks. not much else to describe it as.#idk I’m sure this is bad for me but I think I’ve kind of already messed up first impressions#it’s so stupid but I keep encountering the same dynamic of either we Click fairly quickly or we just don’t really at all#and I feel like that’s wrong of me bc I know some people need time but unless that initial click happens I just seem to falter??#idk idk idk I guess lately it’s like I feel alone/lonely but I don’t feel like I’m wanting to return to anything#bc I never felt like I really had a place there to start with#weird feeling. very weird feeling.#logging back off now dhjfkf
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devotedlystrangewizard · 2 years ago
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every single day i log onto this app with hannibal on the brain is one day closer to my inevitably 5k word essay on the similarities and differences between zenoswol & hannigram. these are not at all related but they are both part of my special interests so they are now
#sonething something mutual destruction & love through violence & affection/hatred &-#but also something about how zenos assumes a lot which hannibal tends to leave up to will. statements & questions. therapist & enemy.#the difference in setting. the all of it. i am going insane thinking about this and i am alone jn this#its the autism.#it is 4 am i have exams tomorrow i should not still be awake but im THINKING. AGAIN.#also the way hannigram definitely affected the way i viewed zenos like. in general#aromanticism also factors into this#i like exploring my own psychology its like pretending to feel my emotions by being aware of them#surviving things they shouldnt?? doing things that in a normal person relationship would be absolutely horrible???#(idk whether hijacking someones body to kill their friends or trying to saw someones head open is worse)#(but neither of those things really seem like a healthy thing to do)#the whole 'idk what this emotion is so im killing you' vibe. 'try to kill me you are the first and only one i want to die to'#theyre like cats bringing home dead mice. i dont want ur dead mouse but i know you do it out of love so thanks man. pls stop tho#also one of my ocs (tma oc actually) served the end & sacrificed those they loved to it.#killing as a form of love. not a mercy kill (tho ive used that as well!) but just.#fucked up little guys who believe that killing someone is the ultimate show of love. who cannot see past the violence#oughhhhh#i miss my tma oc they were cool i should go back to them
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