#idk maybe it'll get better but...
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honestly FUCK tissaia
#she was abusive to yennefer she was fucking mean and now she killed someone in front of his sister's eyes???#fucking horrifying scene#but im supposed to feel sorry for her??? care about her???#the witcher#the witcher spoilers#this episode is so all over the place and confusing and none of the emotional beats are hitting me im so HDJSJDJ#and the title is fucking stupid#idk maybe it'll get better but...#alSO like ??? iirc it was established that aretuza was built over the backs of the elves so good for them for wanting to take it back#or blow it up..? why don't istredd and co go like shit you're so right sorry let's talk idk why are we FIGHTING#also all the alliances are sooo confusing like the hostage situation at the start of the ep??? what???#~oh their arms are bound by special anti-magic stuff so they can't do anything but tissaia can though there's also a bigger anti-magic spell#what???????? UGHHHHHH#im also kinda tired and didn't sleep a ton so maybe im just dumb but man
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he makes me so crazy. most repressed man in the world chooses a career that encourages and feeds his repression and within that career enforces professionalism to the upmost
#id in alt text#disco elysium#wild to me when people hc kim like. talking harry through his emotions. he Would Not Do That#he ACTIVELY discourages harry from feeling things or discussing his feelings#idk i'm only like halfway through the game maybe it changes later on but. i feel like it maybe won't#he certainly reassures and comforts harry when necessary but actual verbal expression of emotion is wayyyy out of his wheelhouse#his advice for harry on getting through a total mental breakdown is 'focus on work it'll make you feel better'#he sucks. i love him so much <3
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Only 5% of college students with ADHD graduate. A statistic that's disheartening on my good days and terrifying on my bad ones. Still, I know that I (and many others!) have so, so much to offer in my field of work once I get past all the hurdles of getting a higher education.
Hang in there, fellow ADHD students, I see you and I love you.
#art#adhd#comic#fully embracing the bad drawing style at this point because we're working on Finishing instead of Perfecting#(and also I'm not an artist. so.)#idk if this reaches anyone but I drew this to pull myself out of my head when it comes to school funk and maybe it'll help someone else?#anywho turns out that I LOVE drawing actually because it's the only creative expression where I don't feel like it has to be Good#it can just Be#(because I'm still a beginner and I have no expectations of myself)#I hope I never get better because I don't want this to become the way writing has become#original art#bad comic#bad art#but said with love!!!!!
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Lighthouse in the middle of SF Bay has opening for new keepers
The tl;dr is that a nonprofit runs this lil lighthouse and brings in new keepers (ideally a couple) every 2 years to run the small inn there. Naturally my first thought was:
FIC PROMPT! FIC PROMPT!
#no phone or internet#there's 5 rooms at the inn and your own housing and health insurance are part of the package#there's so much possibility here#like-- a couple applies then breaks up right before hearing that they're in the running for the position#so they decide to grit their teeth and PRETEND bc it'll give them both a chance to save a lot/pay down debt#(reader they DO fall back in love but it takes a while)#orrrrr#a pair of friends who fake a relationship#and then get a little too into falling and fall in love#only to find after 2 blissful years that actually you don't need to be a ~couple~ per se#but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ they're together now and better for it#(and yeah maybe one of them actually considered this possibility but. well.)#idk i just love it
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Every time I try to write lately, I just can't get anywhere with it :/ I can string words together but they feel empty. Events happen, but what story are they even telling? There's no emotion, no depth, so substance at all. I just can't make anything that's about or says anything at all and idk why :/
#it's starting to get really frustrating#I've got 3 wips that are all different stuff that I keep coming back to and none of them are going anywhere#it's like there's no substance to any of it#the events feel soulless and empty#what am I even saying with anything that happens#'oh this story is about intimacy' where's the intimacy then bitch#like yeah they're touching but like what's intimate about it where's the emotions#goddamnit I just want to make something and I just can't#like maybe I could make something that's shit and soulless but I don't want that I want it to be good#and I keep trying and trying every week and I get nowhere with it and then I'm like :/ well fuck now I don't know what to do with myself#and then the bad feels get worse cause the thing that's supposed to make me feel better isn't working and I can't manage to actually do it#ffs#idk what to do but sometimes complaining helps so I'm trying that lmao#who knows maybe it'll help#shut up nerd#text#misc
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I'm too tired for this shit *gestures broadly*
#I am full of interpersonal problems and uncomfortable situations and I am also so tired all the time#just started new dnd campaign and almost every time I tried to speak I got spoken over.#this did not happen to anyone else#but maybe it did and I'm just catastrophising I DON'T KNOW#and also the dm and one of the players both make a lot of jokes with references the rest of us don't get and that sucks ass you get it#I don't have to explain that#so idk maybe when people settle in it'll be better but also I miss dming
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uuhhh in other new that lmk s5 trailer dropped and people are very
mixed
for context the new season is being partly animated by wildbrain i think. flying bark is still working on the show but probably due to all the other projects they've been working on like the atla movie the animation is off.
its understandable that people are upset. lmk has some of the most consistently dynamic and lively animation ive ever seen, and going from that to ok animation kinda sucks. as a culmination of a lot of what the series has been building up to people were inevitably going to be disappointed
at the same time people shouldnt harass animators. like ever. no amount of trying to petition or anything will change the s5, people are just trying to do their job and theres no probably no major changing to the finished product by now. and theres still a lot of that lmk charm in there, and we haven't even seen the whole season yet to judge it. flying bark is still working on it, and even if the animation never reaches the peak of the old seasons it still has the same writers so at least the writing has the chance to live up old standards. idk though we'll just have to wait and see
#i do think they could have just delayed it after dealing with other projects but with the anniversary lego might have jsut forced them????#and with how the animation industry is i guess they didnt have a choice#tbh im still really sad about the downgrade but after rewatching the trailer a bit more its not that bad despite the tweening#we've been spoiled with the other seasons but i think people will get used to it at some point. maybe#though i cant forgive some of the new stuff like li jing and that dragon tiger duo they do not fit the artstyle at all#though for li jing i think the problem is mostly proportions and how small his eyes look#but the dragon and tigers snouts just look bad.#ok looking at it again i think it looks weird because theyre dissolving. the design's still off but it wasn't as bad as i first thought.#but the proportions and shapes feels like it just isn't from lmk#idk i could nitpick but negativity is tiring and these guys have big shoes to fill for a show they werent prepared for it was inevitable#for any last takeaways please do not be mean to the animators#also studio changes are normal so its not some horrible injustice or the sign of the end times im more upset lego didn't handle it better#i still hope s5 is good and i want to believe it'll still be satisfying by the end the plot so far sounds pretty interesting#or atleast that the atla movie is good enough to compensate#and if im feeling greedy there will be a 6th season that gets better#and there are still good shots throughout all of this so maybe it'll work out with the season as a whole#with how popular it is in china i dont think its out of the question#idk though a lot of information is still up in the air so i guess we just wait#lego monkie kid#lmk#monkie kid#alttalks
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I hope I can enjoy dressing up again instead of clothing turning into a new form of anxiety for me.
I don't fit into XS sized clothes anymore and I have to keep telling myself that that's okay.
I might hate how I look now (a lot tbh...) but I have to believe this is better overall for my health and that I don't want to go back to how I was before.
IT'S. OKAY.
#trying to tell myself this... not sure how much I believe it :') but I'm trying#tbh I have so much hate for myself#maybe my mind is still trying to get used to this version of myself and it'll become better in time... idk#if only I didn't feel too fucked up to see a therapist maybe I'd try to find one again#but if another place tells me 'your case is too severe for us to take on'...... 🙃
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The last couple hundred years have seen society, especially wealthy, western societies, increasingly distancing themselves from the visceral, immediate experience of death. Death is to be hidden and shunned, grief to be pushed aside and made brief. This has been made possibly by improvements in health care, but also by the ever-growing emphasis on the nuclear family and the greater space between people and the sources of their food.
On a smaller scale, as we've had more space to store belongings - as homes have grown and the number of people living within them have decreased - it has been easier for people to acquire and retain belongings over long periods of time. This has led to phenomenon where people buy things they absolutely adore...and then do not use them, as they have the space to store them and they've grown afraid of the damage that will be done to their things if they use them.
Though the second is of course on a smaller scale, the lose of a beloved object still involves a grieving process, and therefore is a less severe analogy for the loss of a loved one.
I posit that the two phenomena are in fact that same phenomenon: that a fear of loss of all kinds, the limiting of space for experiencing loss in our lives, and a dissipation of the skills that enable one to grieve loss in a healthy way, have resulted in our current culture where it is safer to ignore death, and safer to preserve our favorite objects unused, than it is to risk loss.
In this essay, I will...
#unforth rambles#idk my wife's favorite pair of slippers died this morning#and i mentioned i was still mourning my favorite pair of boots that i wore out about a decade ago#and my son was like ??? so I explained and he was like oh that's sad#and I thought about katherine who died earlier this month and how weird grieving for her has been#and how little experience i truly have with grieving#and idk i just ended up here because i'd rather use a thing then grieve when it's gone#then just not use it#but i know a lot of people struggle with that#and it got me thinking that in a way those small grievings help me better know how to process#the bigger grievings from the loss of a loved one#idk maybe this will help someone#more likely it'll get five notes and then disappear into my blog past lmao
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it's kind of weird to me that they didn't bother releasing sushi and tempura internationally at all but at the same time i'm kinda glad they didn't cuz like. yo-kai watch was financially failing in the west by the time 3 released. i feel like if they had released sushi and tempura the franchise would've completely tanked before we got sukiyaki which would've sucked. honestly if anything i feel like it's more surprising that we got all three versions of 2 instead of them just releasing psychic specters but tbf i think yo-kai watch was doing well in the west when 2 released. 2 is just inexplicably what killed the franchise despite being a masterpiece-
#puppy rambles#yo-kai watch#yw3#yw2#idk. i have a lot of thoughts on this stuff#still upset i didn't find out 3 released in america until a while after it did :/ could've gotten a physical copy if i'd found out earlier#but alas. i'm just stuck with a boring digital version. i mean the digital versions of yo-kai watch games are better but like. still#i never got maginyan in blasters even though i could've. the code or whatever was on the receipt but my mom bought it for me#from the nintendo website. and i don't think she checked it and i don't think i found out that was where it was until a bit after i got it-#i did get machonyan and jibanyan t/komasan t's codes entered though so i can get them on any playthrough now#unless i put the sd card in another 3ds since apparently it's system-based instead of sd card based??? which is really stupid#but you can probably bypass that with cfw and i do plan on modding my 3ds eventually#it'll just be a process cuz i don't have an sd card slot on my computer and idk if my moms would be willing to help#so i'll probably have to get a separate sd card reader or whatever. which i do think my moms would be okay with i mean#it's my system and they're cool with piracy lfskdjfjkfsdkljfd-#my moms are so cool <3 i just wish i could get them interested in yo-kai watch but they don't seem to care lfskdjfkjsfdjlksfd-#they determined the battle system doesn't sound fun but i might've just described it badly#i mean tbf. it is very annoying sometimes. especially when my healer just will not heal the other yo-kai#''DO YOUR FUCKING JOB TATTLECAST STOP LOAFING'' -me playing 2#that being said if 1's switch port ever releases in america i am totally playing it on the tv#i WILL force my moms to watch me play funni ghost game whether they like it or not /lh#if we do ever get 1's switch port i hope they make it a collection of some kind with 2 and 3 remasters too i would buy that in a heartbeat#i mean obviously i will buy any american-released yo-kai watch stuff in a heartbeat aside from maaaaaybe y-school heroes#(i'm sorry y-school heroes fans i just cannot get into it. from concept alone it sounds like i would not enjoy it)#maybe sangokushi too if we ever get that but i feel like we probably won't#idk if the franchise it's a crossover with is popular enough in america for that#i hope we get more english yo-kai watch content once ghost craft releases. kinda feel like it's testing the waters tbh#i know it's seemingly just a spiritual successor but still#i do hope that it being a spiritual successor doesn't mean yo-kai watch is over. i doubt that it will since like#punipuni still gets semi-frequent updates
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hhhh talking about my writing was fun but 30 tags is not enough.. yes i have 3 major influences but i have minor ones too.. it is a lovechild of my favorite things.. writing is so fun and i have no self control or a concept of pacing myself i will sit there for 16 hours and get hit with every status effect but by god does it all just flow out of me. I've always been a music person yes but i also used to write a lot into early adulthood until The Incident™
but i am ready 2 jump back into it. i think comics are a great middle ground between the two mediums so i don't get As into writing bc i kind of started going crazy last time 🫡 i can take a more structured approach to it that forces me to pace myself and think about it differently. i love art.... i love making things i love knowing how to do things i love knowing how to play things i love having so many creative outlets, even if i don't do a lot of them regularly lol. it is enriching 😳 and nice to know that it's always there to come back to when u want.
#if u want the tea my imagination at the time was like i could space out and straight up just be another person POV doing every little#thing as if i were them for hours and the experience would come together without having to even think about it.#different times/places/contexts/conversations etc. forced 2 to to my mom's lil cult meetings for 2 hours twice a week#i would opt to do these imagination exercises instead to rly put myself in a character's perspective. every step‚ stumble‚#riding in a carriage together for the entirety from point A to B etc. WELL i was working on a horror anthology somewhere 18/19#(that had a small local following 🫶🏾) and it its concept was like the Twilight zone but a lot darker. it was called interdimensional#and the main recurring character never actually shows up in the story. they r an omnipresent god of death who exists everywhere but#exists outside of our realm‚ and it picks random people to reveal itself to as a symbol. it can be apparent or just in passing that#the entry's MC sees it in‚ it will appear on something somewhere and once it's brought up it's a cue to the reader that this person#has just been sent to an alternate reality that leads towards their inevitable death. for the character nothing ever changes immediately#but the different starts to creep its way in‚ as does death's approach at its crescendo but the path's i took to get there were 😨#and after enough entries i started to see the symbol irl and hallucinate some other stuff from my stories and it really scared me#and made me stop 🫡 but i think in retrospect i just went too hard on the imagination exercises and wished i tried cultivating it instead#give myself time to settle and get in control.. but alas‚ she has not written seriously since. to this day it still flows out of me if#i just sit down to do it‚ but i don't think I'm at risk of something like that happening again anymore :3 so yeah ♡ i am learning how to#draw and trying not 2 force it bc i want it to b fun as a little journey for me and i look forward to the day i can come back to actively#writing again too 🫶🏾 i miss it but i also want to b able to draw ૮₍ ˃ ⤙ ˂ ₎ა#learn the hard thing first then do the stuff that comes naturally.... i also want to get back into music sometime but clearly i got a lot of#other stuff to work on 💀 i burnt myself out on it learning too many things and not having enough fun with it anymore‚#but i have a better healthier with art these days and i know it'll be great to come back to when I'm ready 😌💕#i have been considering getting an acoustic or bass guitar tho 🧐 the beauty of physical instruments.. they're just there ready 2 go..#I've been doing mostly digital the past few years‚ when i was making music. it was also rly hard to when i was w my ex ૮ – ﻌ–ა#that's a whole other rant lol. but ugh digital is like u gotta set it up u gotta make space and then u gotta be in one spot the whole time#i just wanna lay in bed and vibe or something yfm.. walk around maybe idk. do something less structured.#maybe.. hm. hmmm 🧐#I'm going to guitar center lol c ya ✌🏾 getting a bass and amp and maybe a guitar too depending on the price
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anyway. enough about that. it's thursday so i have to socialize tonight and i'm like -_- not again
#idk what activity or event is even happening tonight cuz it doesn't say in the discord#so idk how to prepare myself psychologically#but i'm . blegh.#idk maybe it'll be fun. but i do not feel even one ounce of fun in my body rn.#gonna rock up with the bare fucking minimum today. I Guess.#idk i got like 8 hours to get my act together. maybe i'll feel better later. (press x to doubt)#izzy.txt
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I was gonan make a post apologizing for lack of regular art but I feel like jts already clear im sporadic and in and out of it bc chronic pain and circumstances. So for now I'm gonna hibernate, get my health steady again, deal with money issues, and art will happen when it happens.
#i do feel kind of worn down by it. i wish patreon and commissions didn't feel so taxing even with accommodations ive made for myself#maybe it'll feel better in the future when less is going on but rn it#places this barrier of management in front of art that makes it less relieving to do#cause there's always a part of my brain reminding me it needs to serve a purpose and needs to pay off in some way#which isn’t a new feeling for artists obviously. maybe doing it all since hs js also why it's tiring. and patreon changjng the way it does#working part time now too. idk if maybe id like to step back from it#it's abnormal that i worked taht hard and it did help me get out from my parents and stay out. but im also tired ect#idw let people down by not being able to keep up with a self imposed expectation or#be irresponsible and remove sources of income for myself. redbubble inprnt and patreon all suck in ways that bother me hugely#i only really enjoy itch.io at the minute#not to say anything bad abt patrons or commission clients you've all been excessively kind and patient and understanding always#i wish i could make them better i feel like there's no way how it is at the minute is of value compared to my output as an older teen#but yknow. self imposed worry. im just worn out and id like to just make things without the management and the fretting and the#i havent made a comic post for patreon in ages or this or this i havent made a speedpaint or a song or#yadda yadda lmao#sorry for the impromptu ramble#this isnt to say id never do commissions or a store or anything again or i want to not make money off art#god knows i will need to be grinding out comms once im well again but ex#i feel like im getting less and less able to manage it and then putting out less and less#and hoping ill somehow get very healthy and active again one day and make it worth the wait yknow.#it's not a feeling i want my art to carry in me.#part of me and the parent in my brain is saying it'd be selfish to give up income but the rest is like#that's cruel. i want to feel good and healthy
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have just been introduced to a kitten named rascal who lives on my floor and whose babysitters (who are not his owner?) were trying Really hard to goad me into adopting which like. he's a little baby and he's so so so silly and he barely even bit me but like also. this cat isn't yours???? anyway if the owner's giving him up then I might finally have a cat which like AHHHHHG
#i wanna cat SO BADD#but also i dont think this is the best environment to have ANY non-tank pet tbqh#and i dont wanna have to give him away if my housing situation changes bc my parents house wouldnt work#(one of our dogs has a pretty strong prey drive and i dont wanna risk it)#also the poor guy seems a bit skittish and i think the 2 big dogs would scare him#and then there's the 'is he my cat or your cat' thing w my roommate#i think the answer would be hes my cat bc shes more ambivalent but she can actually take him home so like#and ive pretty much been banking on going home after college anyway so like??? in the long term where would he go???#but also my dogs are getting older.. maybe by then they'll be gone and that problem'll go away#but hell my room there's bigger than my dorm room so even if we kept him in there it'd be a better space than here#it'd be a step up#ugh idk. i think it's a bad idea to have a cat in rooms this small in general. but i don't wanna see him go to a shelter either#like he's young and cute so maybe it'll be easier for him but he's also not super cuddly with strangers as far as i can tell#idk... im worried about him.... poor little rascal#like one of the girls mentioned being mean to him and i dont want him to be mistreated#like shining lights in his face and stuff#idk... sigh......#im considering transferring schools at some point. worst case scenario is i go somewhere they dont allow pets and i have to#either find a foster parent or give him away completely#but i really dont wanna have to do that if i can help it. i never want to put a pet that loves and depends on me in a situation like that#much less me like id bawl my ass off#but if theyre treating him bad then even if my situation isnt perfect wouldnt taking him in be in the right anyway?#but how long does that stand for? until i can find him a better home? ughh
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the teaser trailer for the live action how to train your dragon just came out
#its fine. i guess#like it looks Alright#but i feel the exact same way i felt when the news of it came out in the first place#which is just “why??”#why would we need a live action#the original film was literally peak. it cant get better than that. so what is the point#idk maybe it'll get better once the full trailer is out but my expectations are not high
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ah
in my excitement that i have hardware that can handle digital art again, i seem to have forgotten
that i have not drawn in so many years, and consequently
can't fucking draw
#maybe if I swallow my tablet pen it'll get better#i remember when i could sit here for 8-12 hours#and even PAINT some#personal#i painstakingly referenced Arvid and Iona's faces off two screenshots#just to try to figure out how to simplify them and have them look like themselves still#and I feel like crap now#i'm just gonna. go to bed or something idk
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