#idk man i just had the image in my head after seeing that and couldnt not draw it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

moodymisty · 6 months ago

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(This isn't a request, just some Konrad daydreams driven by 4am insomnia that had me screeching and I just have to share with someone while I wait for my meds to kick in!!)

Your recent post about the stinky rat man got me thinking of something truly, hilariously awful: Konrad's favorite meow meow is a PERPETUAL.

Maybe he watches her die. Maybe he accidentally kills her himself. Whatever happens, he'd probably be losing. his. fucking. mind.

..And then she comes back. Oh god, I'm loving imagining at how truly deranged he would be over that. I know he tortures Vulkan SUPER HARD after finding out he's a perpetual, but that seemed driven a lot by "You think you're good and noble(and sane)? I'll drag you down to my level."

I wonder if he'd mistake her as some kind of phantom/delusion brought on by grief and madness at first. Extra comedy: he accidentally(purposely?) kills her again while freaking out over her showing back up alive LMAO. Meow meow can't catch a fuckin' break with this man.

Now I'm wondering how a few other primarchs would react to something similar though

Sanguinius and his sons in mourning and his dead wife just shows back up like "Why did you bury me alive?!" completely unaware she DIED.

Perturabo's shitass sons being like "I told you it was a waste of time!" and then the horror of realizing they didn't escape their step-mom after all.

I'd assume all the primarchs would try to find out what the fuck happened, and maybe go to Malcador for information once they start drawing blanks? Idk.

Fulgrim would so cute, just hyped as fuck. "I have a wife? That won't get old and die before me?? I don't have to lose this one???" Bonus points if she's the last one he was going to marry because he got too heartbroken seeing his wives get old and die over and over 😫 the queen and her corgis vibe forreal

I can't really figure out Mortarion even though he's one of my faves. On one hand, WITCH!! On the other hand,he'd be so relieved the One Good Thing in his life isn't actually gone forevet..

Oh my g o d. Lorgar. Thefucking goddess shit would go CRAZY. Kor Phaeron slamming his head against a wall because he thought he finally WON. HOW DID SHE DO THAT? Some of his followers getting spooked about being rid of her because s u r e l y it was the Powers who orchestrated such a miracle... So maybe she is meant to be here? Uh oh.

Guilliman is another one I'm just like ????. All I can think of, is he'd quietly go find Emps/Malcador and be like "whattheFUCK? explain?please?how?"

It might be because I'm heavily sedated but it's all sO funny to think about. Some legions quietly rejoicing because The Distraction is gone and shejust. Comes back 😭

But can you imagine the parties thrown by the ones who really loved their legion mothers?! And you thought theFUNERAL was extravagant..

Im not sure what time it is there but I hope you slept well and have a good morning! Sorry forcthis stream of consciousness garbage by theway LOL but you always have such cool takes on things I couldnt help muself

This a joy to read friend, I have nothing to add.

Lorgar in particular with a perpetual beloved would be fucking INSANE. His whole religious trauma would be going wild as well as even some of the more apprehensive Word Bearers might be a bit more, respectful.

Imaging Vulkan's wife ends up coming back a few weeks after they desperately mourned her loss, and it's time for the galaxy's largest hug. They form a line.

#Misty's book club #jesus finding out you're a perpetural and in love with Konrad would be AWFUL you can't escape him lmao

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getris · 1 year ago

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I've heard some people use tumblr as a way of venting or letting things out, i guess those are the same thing and i figured ill give this a try.

This will mostly be me venting to myself about things to do with my life starting with my grandad, and id like to stay anonymous so i wont mention his name.

But on may 28th 2023 i lost my grandad, so about 6 months ago now, ive delt with mental health issues for the majority of my life, idk if thats due to a cocktail of family issues, medication my mother was taking when she was pregnant with me or if theres just something not quite right in my head.

Ive delt with major trust issues, self confidence and self image issues, physical and emotional abuse from both parents and emotional abuse and manipulation from an ex partner but never in my life has anything come quite as close to the level of mind twisting torment that grief has provided; i loved my grandad dearly, out of every member of my dysfunctional family he has consistently been the only safe space, i have never once seen him get angry, swear or even raise his voice unless he was letting out one of his typical hearty chuckles and i think i can safely say that no matter what anyone said he couldnt get angry or judge.

That doesnt mean he is incapable of being firm, he was a fair man and if you did something truly stupid or disappointing he would give you this specific look, one that is still filled with love and compassion but sadness and disappointment and he might throw in a softly spoken "dont do that" (but a little rugged from years of cigars and whiskey during his time in the army), even then his tone was reassuring and it never made you feel challenged but it always got through, i could be screaming at my mother, bright red faced and body full of adrenaline but the moment i caught that look and heard that tone it would all wash away and id feel nothing but regret for what ever was said or done, thats when you know someone is a good person, when they dont need to shout at you, push you or say harsh things, and a simple few calm words immediately diffuse the entire situation.

So naturally me and everyone else in my family were close to him, i have so many fond memories of him, like the time he had this golf cart (he loved golf) and my brother turned it on by accident and sent the thing shooting off down the street as my grandad desperately sprinted after it, or the times he would adamantly try to fix or build things on his own since hes an ex army mechanic and knew better, only to sheepishly realise hes made a mistake and go back to the instructions, he took me to a fishing tournament once and i honestly didnt care at all about the tournament but it was a lovely chance to spend one on one time with him as adults, he even bought me a cider and a beer for himself and that was the first and only chance i got to drink with him, that tournament was even broadcast on TV once so id love to go back and try to find it to see if i can spot me and my grandad in the crowd somewhere.

Theres so much more to the relationship between me and my grandad and im sure ill remember some of it and come back to write more another time, but you can imagine why it felt like my world was shook, i was at a friends house when i first got a call from my brother, he said something along the lines of my grandad had fell over and they took him to hospital, found out that it was potentially cancer but there was no certainty, i cried immediately after that call because to me my grandad was this big, unshakeable ex military man and ive seen him hurt a million times and be unbothered, so to hear that he had collapsed immediately sent waves through my body and i knew something wasnt right.

i spent another few days at my friends house and went home, at that time i was grossly behind with university work (due to mental health issues), and i had finals coming up so i had to force myself back into work, nothing but university and train times and study sessions on my mind because i had to pass, i had to... so i went to my friends house, we study better together and have similar mindsets, so it works out really well when we study and bounce ideas back and forth between each other to get the assignments done, i remember finishing a particularly gruelling study session with her one night when my brother messaged me saying he needs to tell me something but its better if i hear it in person, but i intended to stay at my friends until these assignments and exams were over so i pushed him to message me the update and thats where the regrets started.

My brother told me that my grandad was very sick, it was confirmed to be cancer and the moment i read that i felt physically sick, but my brother reassured me that my grandad was told he had a few years to live, so immediately i wasnt too hurt and i was hell bent that as soon as these exams are over im going to go visit him and once hes out of hospital ill make memories with him, drink with him if possible, anything he wanted.

But thats not how it went, i kept studying and handing in assignments and all i had left was one more exam and thats it im free for the summer and i can go see grandad, but just a day or so before the exam my brother messaged me again saying my grandads health had declined rapidly, he was told months, and then weeks left, so of course i panicked, but i had to do this exam and it was only one more day so surely everythings going to be fine and i can still go see him in the hospital and have a laugh and chat with him.

Exam day comes and i cant get it out of my mind by this point, my family told me they are visiting him that day and asked if i could come but because of visiting hours and my exam hours, i couldnt go but again i told myself "he has weeks left, i can bare one more day and visit him the moment my family goes again", so i went to university, went into that exam room and the entire time i couldnt focus, my university was in the same town that my grandad was in care, so all that was on my mind for that entire two hours was "hes only 30 minutes away, what if he passes while im in here", but the exam time passed painfully slowly but it passed regardless, after the exam i was insanely exhausted and depressed, i hung around with my friend after the exam for an hour or so and then took the train home, turns out timing is a bitch because the moment i got home my parents asked if i was still at uni because they could pick me up on their way to the hospital but i had just got home, the next train would be an hour from then so theres no way i could have visited.

Two days later i was at my mothers birthday when she informed me that my grandad didnt in fact have weeks, he had days left at most and they were going to see him the next day and theres no way im missing anymore chances, so the day comes that we get to go see him, but again something really did not feel right, we got in the car and only a few minutes after picking up my grandmother my aunt (who was at the hospital) said to come quick because he was choking on his own tongue at that point and they expect him to be gone any minute.

Thats the beginning of the heartbreak, seeing my own grandmother in the car talking out loud "just wait (his name) just wait a bit longer please", she was a lot like him, always innocent, always smiling and there she was begging to herself in the car crying, hoping he can just hold on a bit longer for her to be at his side.

We get to the hospital, i watched my nan walk as fast as she could, in pain to get to that room, the moment i walked in it felt like my entire world had ended in that instant, he was no longer my grandad, seeing him in that state felt like my heart had just been ripped out through my chest; he was pale, hairless, almost no muscle left on his body, his skin was a different colour, you could see his heart beating through his chest because his rib cage had twisted and changed shape, he had his eyes and mouth half open and all you could hear was struggled breaths, occasionally interrupted by a weak cough or the sound of him choking on his own tongue, his spine had broken in multiple areas from coughing, thats how frail his body had become.

It was painful, he was clearly suffering and i went through whirlwinds of anger, sadness, anger, sadness... Sad and heart broken seeing such a strong pillar of my world laying there struggling to even exist, and anger that he was allowed to stay in this state, nurses coming in to inject him or feed him medication that would only serve to keep him in this state for a little bit longer, i felt like he was being tortured in the most inhumane way for hours, he couldnt see or hear or speak by that point, just breathe and exist in pain.

Thats when family started talking, gossiping about his state and things he had done during his stay which further broke my heart, remember earlier when i said he had never sworn, never raised his voice and was effectively this gentle giant? Well i overheard my aunt, mother and grandmother talking about how he had been in such pain that he had started threatening the nurses, swearing at and insulting everyone within eyesight, begging both nurses and family to either kill him or take him somewhere where he could do it on his own terms, just typing that out brings a painful lump to my throat because to change such a gentle, loving man into that state must have meant either he was already suffering immensely, or he knew exactly bad it was going to get, it was shock after shock, emotional whiplash.

I stayed in that room for as long as i could which turned out to be 5 hours and 24 minutes, i couldnt bare a moment longer before i stood next to his bed and said my goodbyes, seeing a person you care so deeply about in such a state of suffering, staying in that room for those 5 hours had physically exhausted me, its not that i was just tired of being in the hospital, but i dont think i could have processed another second of that day without rest, so the second i got to my house i passed out in my bed, two hours later my phone was ringing and it was my brother, grandad was gone.

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tomdiddlyumptious · 4 years ago

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Can u do a Tom Holland x black model reader

And she’s zendayas friend and she introduces Tom to her and they hit it off he ends up seeing her outside they have a sentimental talk about what it’s like being famous and they end up kissing maybe smut at the end and they wake up the morning after 😩😩😫

I MIGHTVE GOTTEN....YA KNOW TAKEN AWAY BUTTTTT

warnings: terrible fans, sadness, annoying papis, and I guess heavy smut but idk 🤷🏽‍♀️ NOT PROOFREAD, PROBABLY TERRIBLE ✌🏽

a/n: REEEEE I HATE MYSELF

You sighed as she grabbed your hand, pulling you, “look you have nothing better to do, so you do this or keep watching re-runs of Harry Potter and trying to shift, which isn’t gonna work” she rolled her eyes at the idea, looking at your scrunched up face.

“Well whatever, so much for getting a spell book” you huffed in loss, zendaya laughing at you as she let your hand go and opened the door “for my princess please” she dramatically said, her hand pointing inside the restaurant.

“We couldn’t have taken a walk-“ “y/n shut up and sit down please” you giggled as you walked slower to let her infront of you and guide you to a seat, next to her but also next to a nice, brown haired, of course skinny lean white boy.

And how did you know that? You checked him out without hesitation. As you looked back up at him you found himself with a cocky ass smirk. “Don’t flatter yourself” you chuckled only leaving him doing the same.

“Hey a pretty girl like you how could I not?” His hand lifted and ruffled his hair some, leaving you with a smile. “We all know who we are right?” Daya said, not wanting to introduce anybody when your all basically famous. “Yes?” The group said.

You knew Tom of course but not officially, your brother made you watch Spider-Man because he’s two years older then you and loves to debate that tobey Maguire is the best, which you have to agree, its only by the way he swings. Your brother also thinks tobey can play Batman but he is like 46, he will have a heart attack.

As you all ordered your meals and passed around plates Harrison and Jacob talked, zendaya and her brother talked, which left you and Tom.

“Hi I’m tom” he said, lifting his hands wanting a handshake, orrr possibly a hug, what’s the damage?. “Well hello Tom, my name is Y/n” you said, taking his hand in yours, also noticing you can’t even shake his hand because of his hand size, it basically devoured your whole hand. Tom chuckled as he looked at your small fingers.

“Compare?” He asked, “oh what are we in fourth grade?” You giggled but agreed, he put his hand up flat and open and you did the same, touching hands you noticed your hand was small, or his hand was big, who knows. “I should call you robin!” He chuckled.

“You are really a child, teen titans really?” You bursted into laughter but only Tom could really hear. “Hey I have to do something to keep me satisfied right?” He shrugged, “and tough talked for a woman with small hands”.

You playfully gasped as you hit his shoulder “no you just have large hands, above average, so leave me alone, and tough talk for a guy who’s 5’8, my brother was that height at like 14” he only left his mouth open as you laughed, his eyebrows raised as he said “touché, but you’ve been doing some research on me havent you?”.

“Eh, something like that” you shrugged, getting chopsticks and trying to set it up but failing, of course Tom hysterically laughed at you “fuckin chopsticks” you mumbled to yourself, still trying to get them in between your fingers but utterly confused.

“Here darling, let me help you yeah?” Tom said in his slick British accent,

leaving your stomach to drop to your ass but you agreed, forgetting what he was helping you with.

He took your hand softly and fixed it, staring at him in awe before-

snap

You both looked over and seen a photographer running away, leaving Tom pissed but you could only laugh. Everyone around the table noticed and started to feel bad about being “famous” because it does take away your private life.

As they all looked at you both you continued laughing, leaving them all confused “did you see the way he ran?” You only busted out laughing more as Tom could still see him, looking at the way he does run and starts laughing after.

“Your right!” Everyone starts to catch on as zendaya pulls out her phone to record him, putting it on her instagram story with text of “running to his casket” (I KNOW THIS IS MEAN BUT I COULDNT HELP IT)

As you all as a group ate your food, well you ordered a fork, and talked you all giggled, and got to know more about each other, when he found out you were a model he only smiled more because, you deserve to be one, your beautiful in so many ways anyone could see that, not just Tom holland.

You cracked open the cookie and grabbed the paper “I wanna see!” Tom said, scooting closer and resting his head on your shoulder as you read it “hop on a ride but you won’t go outside, lucky numbers 11,9,10,20” tom furrowed his eyebrows, “I don’t get it” he whispered in your neck, platonically. But he got your sweet spot so you bit your tongue some. “What makes you think I do? You do yours!”

He sat back up straight and grabbed his, opening it. “Hmm, take your time, try to wine and dine, same lucky numbers as you” he looked at you while your lower lip was puckering out, confused but not gonna stress yourself out about it.

“Aren’t they just beautiful” daya quietly said, recording it and putting it on her Snapchat instead. Harrison agreed as they all started at both of you but you didn’t take any sense to notice.

“Who’s paying?” Tom said. “Split” you say back, everyone taking out their credit card and placing it in the middle.

About two days later you went out for shopping, mostly for yourself but you did think about buying daya matching Harry Potter mugs.

You looked at Victoria secret, looking at all the options you could get, but you got white lingerie, lacy white lingerie. You had about 3 bags in your hands, all clothes as you found yourself hungry, you checked the time and noticed it was about five thirty but daylight saving so it was darker then usual.

You found yourself at a Chinese place at the food court, ordering what you wanted as your phone blew up from the events of yesterday. “Y/n?” You heard a familiar voice, you turned to see-

“Thomas?” You smiled at him as he smiled back, coming up close and seeing ‘foot locker’ and ‘Nike’ bags in his hand. “Hey!” He came over and reached out for a hug which you accepted, and you smelled so good, like no one else. He knew once they started to publicly date he would have to point out that you have this magnificent smell.

“Hey babe how are you?” You ask looking at him, letting him go as his hands were still on your arms. “My phone won’t stop blowing up” he sighed and rolled his eyes “eh same here” “what are you doing?” He asked, you pointed at the title of the food place “Chinese food” “your trying again aren’t you?” “You know what- shut up” you laughed making him join along.

He decided to join you at one of the tables, both with hats on and black tinted sunglasses. “This is humiliating” you sighed, playing with the noodles. “What?” He asked looking up at you. “I shouldnt really have to hide because I just want to eat alone” you let out a distant chuckle and let the food alone, looking at the table.

“Yeah I know it does suck, but atleast we have killer fans right!” “Yeah but then they want to turn on you because you wanna make a point or a decision for yourself” he only sighed in defeat at your point, nodding in agreement. “I mean I guess it’s what we signed up for” “I just really want to do what I love but then there’s the pros and cons, people loving my body and people hating my body, telling me I should lose weight and that I should just kill myself-“

“Well you shouldn’t, people tried to cancel me because I didn’t vote? I can’t!” He grabbed your hand and that made you look at him “and your beautiful, so beautiful, don’t take only my word but everyone else’s, and whoever is telling you to kill yourself has a problem with their body image, they want to be you!” He gave you a smile, you gave a weak one back. “Hey love, darling, trust me. There’s a lot of people out there that support you! Why do paparazzi want to take photos of you? To let everyone know hoe your doing at the moment!”

“That wasn’t a good one Thomas” you laughed which made him giggle, he reached over and let go of your hand and places his thumb on your chin, the coldness of his ring on his pointer finger as it’s under your chin.

“Your really fucking beautiful, princess, fame is annoying celebrity is a annoying word but guess what? Isn’t it worth it?” “Yeah I guess, because I met you” you smirk, he tilts your head up and looks at your lips, looking at your eyes for approval and you nod your head.

He presses his lips on yours, pulling you closer as he wants to climb over the table and just take you there, his lips on your soft delicate ones is heaven, feeling your hand raise up to his cheek as you let go for a longer one-

“Hey get out of here! It’s like 7, stop sharing your cootie germs!” The janitor says with his strong Indian accent which makes you both laugh while your lips are still pressed together.

“Hey I really mean it!” You both let go as he shouts a thank you and you didn’t even notice it was that dark, he didn’t either. “Wanna get out of here?” He asked, you nodded as you both grabbed your bags and threw away your food.

You both couldn’t keep your lips off of each other, he slammed you against the apartment door, leaving you to moan as he focused on your neck, grabbing the key from his poket and shoving it in the door, opening it as he twisted to nob you fell and he feel ontop of you, well on your stomach.

You both laughed out of breath as he got up to close the door, thankfully there was a door stopper that didn’t allow a mark on the wall, he came back down and helped you up, taking the bags from your hand and throwing it on the couch, the boxes of shoes falling out of the bag and on the floor.

You quickly took off your clothes, leaving you in your underwear with Tom just admired you, your sweet brown skin just shinning of cocoa butter lotion and body oil, smelling so intoxicating as he walked up to you, his hand softly placed on your waist as he whispered in your ear “help me” you giggled and unbuckled his pants while he unbuttoned his shirt, quickly only in his-

“Really? Spider-Man? Your such a narcissist” “your ruining the moment” “whatever kiddo” he took your hand and ran into the room, falling on the bed from the jeans around his ankles, you got comfy on the queen bed with the silky black sheets and blanket, your legs open waiting for him as he kicked off his jeans.

He looked at you and your legs, crawling over to kiss your shins up to your thighs, his lips so soft on your skin as if he doesn’t want to break it.

“You such a pretty girl” he purred, kissing up to your stomach, to the middle of your breasts to you neck. “Touch me please tommy” you sighed in relief as he went down to your underwear, pressing your clit and trailing down to see you soaked. “I’ve barely touched you princess, do I make you wet like this?” He talks mostly to himself, not expecting an answer but you do “yes you do, fuck you make me so wet tom, watching your hands move, you mouth-“

“My mouth huh? What do you want me to do princess? Eat you out? Make you come then I fuck you and don’t miss a beat? Make everyone hear my good girl?” He asked, making you moan at the scenarios “I want to you to be on top of me, I want to you fuck yourself on my dick until you make me whine” he comes up to your ear and whispers “which I don’t do”, you whimper as he unclamped your bra, the cold ring and Rolex on your back as he gets it off.

You smile as he just stares, reaching down and taking a nipple in his mouth, moaning as he punches the other. “Fuck Thomas your really good” “shh now, remember what I want you to do f’me okay?” He asked looking up at you, you nodded as he reached down in between your thighs, pushing the underwear to the side.

He puts a finger inbetween your folds, his fingers rather warm and he rubs right over your whole while he continues to kiss and leave hickeys around your neck and inbetween your breasts.

He pushes in his finger and you let out a whimper, his fingers way bigger then your own “your so tight around my finger, fuck your gonna feel so good around my cock, just let me make you come first” you nod at him and give him a open mouth kiss as he goes down, taking off your panties and lifting your thighs and putting them inbetween his head.

He pumps is finger in you slowly, my the third time you suddenly let out a “oh” as your breathe starts to get heavy, “don’t give up now darling” “get to work and I’ll see what I can do for-“ you moan as he wraps his lips around your clit, kitty licking.

“Don’t talk down on me, darling” he says, before adding another finger, his long slender fingers finding your spot as he rubs over it, shaking his head from side to side around your bundle of nerves, your legs raise into a butterfly just asking for more.

Your hands reach down to his hair and you pull it, ruffle it and whimper as his fingers press hard on your spot “ah!” You let out a high pitched moan, he makes eye contact with you as his tongue continues to run miles, infinity signs, even his own full name on you “I’m so close” you whimper, he already knew by how much you were clenching around him, he sped up his movements, licking the slide of your clit, bucking your hips and pulling his hair making him moan on you, high pitch moans, the sounds of his fingers in your wet slopping whole is just enough to make you come, “Aw please! Fuck tommy!” Your eyes roll back as you cum, your back arching more as your fluids let loose and your stomach a pit of fire.

“You tase so good, Mmm” he licks you clean, savoring your tase as he licks his lips and comes up to kiss you, sharing tongues and humming at the taste on his lips.

And it was your time for the deal, he turned you both so you were on top. His hands already behind his head as he enjoyed the view already, you grabbed his member and pumped it a few times making him groan, you swiped him between your folds and cried at the overstimulation.

“Fuck y/n” he moaned feeling of your wetness looking down and seeing his spit and your arousal connected to the tip of his member, you both moaned at the feeling of his member getting in you so slowly.

You started to move your hips against his, seeing him so comfortable and watching every single move you make could make you come right there, you started to bounce and you sat up straight, moaning as Tom took a hand of his and licked his thumb to roll your nipple “faster” he said, as you did it.

“Fuck tommy your so good” “oh no it’s you babygirl, fucking yourself on my dick like I told you to, I don’t have to do any-“ he groaned “work, your such a good girl, my princess” he praised making you whimper and lean down. In this moment he could stay there forever, your ass on display as you bounced your whimpers in his neck right on his sweet spot. “Shit y/n”he moaned, letting his hands go to your ass and lift his legs to thrust into you, “no tommy” you say weakly, pushing his legs down “I get to fuck myself on you like you said” you hit back a moan.

“I did princess- fuck” he let out an ‘uh’ as you clenched around him, his eyebrows furrowed as his mouth opened, you leaned back up to kiss his neck, his sweet spot and made hickeys with no hesitation. You moved faster and placed your hands in his chest and hearing your ass on his thighs, the slickness coating all over his member and trailing down his thighs “fuck!” You come, “don’t stop-please! Don’t stop” he practically begged, thats more than a whine and you were willing to take it, it was all so good, so good.

His hands left your ass and went up to your neck, looking down at his darkened eyes as he bit his lip “fucking yourself so good on my dick, fuck!” He came and shot his load up you “yes Tom!” You whimpered and arched your back coming with him. He painted your walls as you ride it out, him massaging your thighs and biting his lip as he watched his cum trail down your thighs and on his dick.

“You tired?” You asked, throwing yourself over, he looked over “yeah” he reached over to kiss you and wrap his arm around your shoulder and pulling you into his chest, he turned off the light on his night stand as you lifted your leg over his thigh, both on the left side of the bed and taking in each other, drawing patterns in his chest. “So does this mean-“ “yeah of course”

You woke up in the same spot, looking up at Thomas and finding him already looking at you. “Hey princess” he smiled, taking his arm and drawing circles on yours. “Hey bubs” you kissed his chest. You only admired each other before having to clean each other up, sharing a shower, nothing happened but giggles and soft rubs on the butt, of course until you put on the lingerie that you bought yesterday.

#tom holland x reader #tom holland #tom holland fanfic #tom holland x black!reader #tom holland imagine #tom holland smut #tom holland au #jb writes

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erixyin · 4 years ago

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Idk where i saw this but i need to write my own

MLQC Boys React - MC wearing their shirt/tshirt as a dress in public.

Note: have been dating for a while, like 6 months?

A little NSFW but not too bad x

Victor:

You had stayed over at his for the weekend and now it was Sunday and you had run out of clean none-casual clothes. And you had forgotten to pack any with you or go shopping because you had been very distracted all weekend. By victor without a shirt on wahhhhhh

You rummaged through his closet quickly. Boi was already at work he had a 6am meeting. You dont know how he has the energy to do that. You would literally die if someone said you have to be out of bed before 6am

He looked at his long fancy shirts and you had an idea. You grabbed the one that felt the nicest and that was not the boring grey shirts he usually had. It was a purple silk shirt and it came down to about your knees. MC is so small.

Little did you know that that was literally one of the most expensive shirts he owned...

NOT IN THE CAPACITY TO KNOW FANCY BRAND NAMES OK

You sinched it in at the waist with a belt you had worn over the weekend and put on some gold earrings and necklace. You finished the look with black tights and your black doc martens, PRAYING that no one at work would mind that you looked more SMART CASUAL than SMART.

You thought u looked hella cute in the mirror so u went to work at 9am.

You had forgotten you had a meeting with Victor at 11am.

he did a double take when you walked into the room.

He squinted at your “dress” and you could tell he was going through his memory bank of where he had seen it before.

“Is that... new?” He asked eyeing you every so often before glancing back down to your weekly report

“Uh... yeah relatively. Do u like it?” You asked innocently batting your eyes.

“Where’s it from?” He passed you back your report, forgetting to give any negative comments unusually. He thought you looked hella cute but he totally wasn’t going to tell u that.

“I-I can’t remember.” You blushed hiding behind the report a little.

He stood up and leaned against the front of his desk, now towering above you casually. “I thought you had enough clothes, without needing to borrow mind”

Ok. Now you were bright red.

“D-d-do you not like it?” You stammered and then flashed him a cheeky smile, “i can take it off and give it you back”.

Victor’s hear stopped momentarily before going “Dummy” and patting you gently on the head.

You walked out of his office 2 hours later feeling on top of the world. that’s not the only thing you were on top of

Mr CEO was surprisingly in a good mood for the rest of the day and even gave Goldman a small smile. GOLDMAN IS FREAKING OUT.

Lucien:

It had been a last minute decision sleepover... totally innocent absolutely nothing happened what are you talking about.

Lucien had already left for a lecture he was giving at the university. You had promised to meet up with him once he had finished his schedule.

Now you totally COULD simply go back to your apartment and pick out something you’d worn a few times and Lucien had seen you in. OR you could actually conduct an experiment of your own and make Lucien hella blushy - even if boi went a little red it would be a triumph in himself. BOI HAS A BETTER POKER FACE THAN VICTOR HOW

Being a little bit devious you decided to raid Lucien’s closet. BOI LIKES TO BE STYLISH

He has everything coordinated by colour and by season/activity. Jumpers go in the bottom right next to the winter coats and shirts were hung up towards the left for those “casual days”.

Boi doesnt own a tshirt, he only knows smart casual and smart. Loungewear? Sweatpants?? Boi has never heard of em

Most of his clothes were black and white with a tad bit of grey and brown in there but you found at the very back of the wardrobe a white shirt with pink butterflies patterned over it. Masculinity is so fragile, let the man wear pink. He can OWN it.

You decided to go for it and match it with thigh high suede wedges to give yourself a little extra height. You sinched it in with a simple black studded belt and added nude tights. You put your hair up into a “cute messy” bun and popped a pencil in to keep it in place. You paired it with a little black satchel and “natural” makeup with maybe a red lip tint? Lucien likes a red lip and you can’t tell me otherwise

It was about 2pm and you decided to head over to the university. A little spring in your step.

You knew his schedule by now so you knew he’d be in his office round about now. You checked the times 2:30pm. Half an hour before his next and final lecture.

You entered his office, you didnt need to knock anymore. He knew it was you. Students would always giggle LOUDLY outside his office before knocking. Mainly female students and you PRETENDED not to notice.

He could totally tell you noticed and were trying to hide it

You saw him tapping away on his computer, eyes lost in data.

You plopped your bag over the sofa and walked over to his desk. Kinda annoyed he hadn’t noticed you but also kinda excited because of the build up?

He had a light smile on his face, “Hello MC, i was expecting you a little lat-“ he glanced at your outfit. Boi actually halted his sentence. You were delighted.

You saw the tips of his ears turn pink. successs

he gulped and brought a hand up to his face as his eyes looked at your outfit in detail before looking you directly in the eye, a michevious look on his face, “i haven’t seen that shirt in a very long time. Have to say, it looks better on you”. He watched as you leant over the desk resting on your elbows.

“I think the thigh highs are a nice bonus” he said making it very obvious at where he was looking.

“What time is your next lecture again Luci?” You asked sweetly, leaning over to boop his nose gently.

“Actually my last lecture had to cancel due to some strange unforeseen circumstances”, he said typing the email as he spoke.

“Isn’t that lucky?” He chuckled while glancing at the office door

You gave him a brief kiss on the cheek, “very lucky”

He didn’t make it to the 3pm lecture

Gavin:

He had left some of his clothes at yours before heading out on a mission. He’d been gone for a few days but he had called and said he would be home soon. Weekends were usually spent with you waiting for gavin. He had promised he would stop going on big missions now he had something to come home to.

You kinda got bored waiting for him, because he said he’d be home today. You had told Eli that if he came back with a new bandage you were going to kill him and make him sit in a salt bath. Eli knew you weren’t joking.

You decided to pull out one of the many tshirts he had left at yours. It was an old rock n roll band tshirt. You didn’t know them too well but Gavin had liked to listen to their music every now and then. He didn’t wear it that often anymore, it was a bit too tight on him since he had bought it in his college days.

You had washed it already because you sometimes slept in it. You had been binge watching DIY youtube videos all day when you had a great idea. You really liked the look of the cut out ladder look the girl had done in her youtube video so you decided to do the same. You grabbed a pair of scissors and got to work.

You also decided to give the thsirt a little bit of a v-neck but leaving a piece around the neck for that fake choker look. You looked at your handy work and decided you really quite liked it. The back wasn’t too exposed because of the laddered look but you could always wear something underneath like a mesh top.

It came down to just lower than your thigh. You looked at yourself in the mirror. Considering it was the only piece of clothing you had on right now besides your little running shorts, you thought you looked really cute.

You spun around happy when you saw gavin staring at you COMPLETELY RED outside the window.

“Gavin!” You squealed excitedly as you went to open the window and let him in.

The wind blew underneath your dress/tshirt a little to lift it. You quickly pulled it back down.

Bird cop has stopped working

“You look...” Gavin stood in front of you staring at you. You could see there was a new scar on his neck and arm but no bleeding on any of his clothes.

“I’m so glad you’re home!” You wrapped your arms around him, breathing in his scent

He hugged you bag but went even more red - is that even possible??? - when he felt that the back was laddered and an entrance to your bare back.

“Um you look... very cute” he was now imaging you wearing all of his clothes. Boi was beetroot red someone help him.

“I could pair this with some denim shorts and it would be a date night outfit yeah?” You said taking a step back and spinning round for him

MC why u wanna make this precious boi jealous?? XD

He pulled you in for a quick kiss, “no this is just for me. You’re mine. No one else can see you looking this...” he paused as his ears started to go red again, “good”

Safe to say you didnt kill him for discovering he had several bruises across his back. BUT MC U SAID NO BANDAGES OR BLEEDING SO TECHNICALLY ITS FINE

Kiro:

You had woken up super late - like 11am - after gaming and doing other stuff.... all night. Your body still kinda hurt and ached a little... clearly from doing all of that just dance marathon stuff. If you think kiro isn’t a just dance kinda man i will fight you

The bed was more spacious than normal and you didn’t have a cute blonde cuddling up next to you. Odd. You looked over towards the bathroom but the light was off.

God what day was it? You reached over sluggishly to the bedside table and looked at your phone. It was Wednesday but thankfully you were having a week off after finishing a big project with Kiro’s help.

You had worked the hardest with the late nights and the weekends you had sacrificed. Anna and Kiki thought it was best for you to have a little holiday.

You stretched and sat up. You looked around. Kiro’s jeans were gone and phone. Maybe he had gone to the shops?

You honestly couldnt remember if had anything in his schedule today. Even though he was taking a mini holiday himself - you both timed it perfectly - he still had to do interviews here and there to make Savin happy.

You rubbed your eyes. You didn’t remember where you’re clothes from last night were but they were in NO state to wear. Clearly because of all the sweat from just dance AND NOTHING ELSE ;)

You opened Kiro’s walk in wardrobe. You lazily looked for something to just wear so that you could walk round the house, comfortable but not just nude. Kiro’s house was big and Savin had a key

You picked up a signature yellow and white tshirt that Kiro often wore to events and fan signings. It matched his hoodie but it was perfect for the warmer weather.

Boi was only a few inches taller than you so it JUST came to below your butt. You’d have to bend from the knees and not the waist. Unless you want your butt to be on show.

You found some black unused underwear and popped them on. You debated onto weather you could be bothered putting socks on or not. Then you remembered that Kiro had central floor heating so nahhhhhh

You wandered round the house looking for Kiro. Your bare feet making a gentle thudding noise across the marble floor.

You gave up home when you couldnt find him in the games room or living room so you decided to go get yourself a snack.

You walked in and froze as you saw Kiro. In front of a camera. A LIVE camera. And Savin sat just out of frame.

You just remembered that wednesday afternoons were the weekly Kiro livestreams.

KILL ME

Boi instantly caught your eye and then looked at what you were wearing - barely anything

Whatever he was saying before he was silent. Boi was SHOOKETH. He COUGHED LOUDLY and went a bright scarlet red from his neck to his face.

The livestream chat was going mental as they couldnt see you from the camera angle positioned on Kiro’s face. They were wondering what he was getting so worked up about. It was a really good job that the camera could only see from the waist up

“H-hey guys, sorry I’m gonna have to cut the livestream short.” Savin had his head in his hands, “I’m just not..” he stole another glance at you while you were trying to reach the top of the shelf where the cookies were and his tshirt lifted up higher exposing more. “I’m just not feeling too good.” He chuckled bashfully as he rubbed the back of his neck embarrassed.

The chat soon filled up with #get better soon kiro as well as #curiouskiro was trending. Some people speculated that Kiro might have a lover. The fan theories went mental.

“I’ll see you guys next week bye!” And the livestream ended. You blushed as you saw Kiro’s gaze and you crunched on your cookies while looking at the floor.

Savin got up to go and leave and sort things out for Kiro online, to make ensure his reputation wasn’t going to fall because of this unexpected situation.

“Thats my tshirt!” He said as he came over to you still red

“Yeah... and?” You mumbled a mouth full of cookies. Thats not the only thing your mouth’s gonna be full of in a minute miss chips - I’m sorry please forgive me i had to XD

“Miss chips is not allowed to look that good” he whined, “i was doing an interview, i was gonna be back in like half an hour and you looked so peaceful-“

You pressed a finger to his lips to shush him, “well we can still go back to bed now...”

SAY. NO. MORE

Boi picked u up and carried you upstairs, bridal style.

A week later you made your relationship public. At first the fans were a little upset but then soon adored you when you revealed a little of why Kiro was so blushy the previous Wednesday. #blushyboikiro was trending for a MONTH

BONUS: Shaw:

He had to rush off to his exam in the morning after promising to meet up afterwards for breakfast/lunch

This was at 8am. [bitch you aint getting out of bed at 8am on a day off? Beauty sleep is very important]

His exam was three hours long [the pain of uni exams, i get you Shaw i get you] and you woke up at 11:39

SHIT

You scrambled for your things but the night before outfit was not really brunch appropriate so you settled for something a lil more casual [and devious]

You grabbed one of his favourite tshirts which fell down to your mid thigh, and cut a slit at the bottom and safety pinned it together [ya know for that EDGY look] [i dont know what the kids are up to these days but i saw my friend do it and she’s cool so]

You grabbed ur cropped zip hoodie, put on some thigh high stockings, put on ur black boot heels from last night and you were ready to go. [you also sprayed some perfume on ur neck, wrist and garter while u were at it. LOOK SIS YOU DEVIOUS AND U KNOW THAT SHAW LIKES IT]

You rushed out the door and thankfully the subway wasnt busy and you got there just as the doors opened and the students came plodding out. You stood there with a coffee in your hand and the other one twiddling your hair in an OH so cute way. [you know how to look cute mmkay]

Several students walked out through the doors but you didnt end up seeing him. Darn you for being so short.

So you sat down on the low wall near the university’s fountain. Your little safety pin glistening in the sun and the tshirt putting your garter on show. [we like that casual but i secretly put in loads of effort kinda vibe]

You started scrolling through Moments incase he got out early but the shitty university wifi meant that it wasn’t refreshing. Furthermore the sun was shining in ur eyes so you couldnt really see much even when your phone was on full brightness

Then a tall shadow blocked the sun and you looked up and saw Shaw stood over you with a sleepy but piercing gaze.

“What are you doing wearing my Black Sabbath Tshirt?” He looked you up and down. Boi was clearly shook but he was damned if he was going to let you know this. Even though you already knew this.

“What you don’t like it? How did your exam go?” You said getting up to give him a quick hug. You knew Shaw had expressed he wasn’t a fan of physical affection but he secretly enjoyed the odd hug/hand holding or head scratch from you. Though he would never share this

“You really think you can distract me from your lazy sense of style?” He raised his eyebrows and looked you up and down again. You could see the twinkle of mischief in his eyes.

“Your rebelliousness has rubbed off onto me” [in more ways than one] you gave him a little spin raising your arms a little so that the top of the stockings and garter would come on show.

You could see that his nose went a little red along with the tips of cheeks. He coughed and placed both hands on ur arms firmly. “Let’s go get something to eat.” He swung you around so that you were now walking back to the subway, with his arm round you.

“But this is the way home...?” You started as you turned to look at his face, still walking

“Well we’re skipping straight to dessert” you could see the glint in his eyes and you allowed yourself to be lead.

Now that thsirt was his absolute favourite, especially whenever you decided to surprise him with it after an exam x

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flowerslightning · 4 years ago

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(Part 2) Cloud Strife and his Mental Illness

a.k.a Psychiatric Disorder

| 1. Memory | ⇦ Click if u havent read it yet

2. Hallucinations, Illusions and Delusions

Since these three things relate well with Cloud's troubled memories, I'll be talking about them first before jumping to his Confused Personality

This post will bore u a bit or maybe a lot 😂 it depends. If ure interested with psychiatric stuff, u'll find this enjoyable as much as i do

Disclaimer : I'm 21 and still a tiny meany student. During my intern at Psychiatric Department, I learned and witnessed psychiatric problems from real life patients. And since Cloud (my fav FF character) has psychiatric issues, I'll be sharing some of my knowledge and interpretation of Cloud's character. Im not diagnosing him, rather i'm giving my own opinion about his status

@nibelheiim created a post about dissociation, she explained about hallucination, PTSD and more. Come and check her out! Her words were more direct and easier to understand. She explained about Psychological matter and she's a real psychology student too!

While my explanation will be more focusing on Psychiatric Topic and words used will be more complicated (with grammar errors). My facts will be based on ICD 10 and DSM-IV

A lot of people were confused with these three terms - Hallucination Illusion Delusion - These terms associated with abnormalities of perception. It is important to understand that this abnormality holds two keys; ● 1. Perception is the process of becoming aware of what is presented through the sense organs. ● 2. Imagery is an experience originating within the mind that usually lacks the sense of reality that is part of perception.

Abnormalities of perceptions have 4 theme, but I'll be focusing on two major types that relate with Cloud: (i) Hallucinations ; (ii) Illusions. Some cases, perception can be normal in intensity and quality but has a changed meaning for the person who experiences it - it is called as Delusional Perception. It is not an abnormal of perceptions, rather it is a disorder of a person's thinking.

Try guessing, how many from these terms does Cloud has?

1. Hallucinations

- A perception experienced in the absence of external stimulus to the corresponding sense organ. Eg - patient hears a voice when no one is speaking within a hearing distance or patient sees something approaching him when visually no one is there. There are 2 qualities to determine a hallucination: ●it is experienced as a true perception●it seems to come from outside of the head●

The above gif, where Sephiroth suddenly appear again before Cloud's eyes even able to touch Aerith's shoulder, it illustrate perfectly the 'Visual Hallucination'. No one can see Sephiroth, other than Cloud himself.

Cloud [Remake] kinda had anxiety when he stared at the fire and later he saw Sephiroth surrounded with flames, then poof, that silver guy disappeared along with the images of fire. He said he was hallucinating stuff after the first bombing mission. Idk how Sephiroth could create fake images of fire around him, either Cloud was really hallucinating or it was really Sephiroth that came to see him. But, this is what we call as 'Visual and Auditory Hallucinations'. Cloud SAW Sephiroth and HEARD him talking when no one else did. I can also add in 'Tactile Hallucination' because he probably felt the burning sensation on his skin from the flame around him that caused him to feel hot and sweating, or probably it was his anxiety that caused him sweating upon meeting Sephiroth with the flashback of his burning hometown

Hallucinations can occur in all sensory modalities; visual, olfactory, auditory etc. In the Remake, the Whispers could only be seen by certain people. To those who couldnt see it, they would be puzzled what was happening to u, and would've thought that u were hallucinating something, like in the case of Aerith.

In Cloud's case, perhaps Cloud [In OG] had auditory hallucination due to his severe case of Mako Addiction. But then, that wasnt exactly a hallucination though, cuz the thing he said "'Coming.. They're coming" was actually true. A monster fell from the sky.

Other 'hallucinations' that Cloud had was the images of Sephiroth that appeared in certain headache. Cloud may claimed it was his hallucinations, but i've read it somewhere that says it was really Sephiroth appeared before his eyes. Sephiroth was messing with Cloud's mind, trying to break his mental in order to control him. However, IF IT WASNT SEPHIROTH that came, Cloud's 'hallucination' would be known as a mental disorder that may lead to severe case - eg Schizophrenia.

2. Illusions

An illusion is a misperception of an external stimulus. It often occur in several circumstances: (i)level of sensory stimulation reduced (ii)attention is not focused on the sensory modality (iii)level of consciousness reduced (iv)being in a state of intense emotion- fear.

Does Cloud has it? Urm, maybe? Well, it can be proven when he saw his 'noisy neighbour next door' as Sephiroth. As stated above, illusions occur in 4 conditions, and Cloud was in number (i) and (iv). When Tifa yelled him to stop, Cloud came back to reality and got really confused when the 'Sephiroth' that attacked him was actually a sick guy. We can also add in 'Hallucinations of Deep sensation' in this scenario bcause Cloud experienced the feelings of being pushed down by 'Sephiroth'.

However, we all know that 'Sephiroth' was real at that moment. For Cloud, he thought it was an illusion, but for us the audience, it was a real thing.

If u want a better explanation and example, try watching Joker the movie. The main theme of the movie was 'mental illness'. There are lots of scenes that shows different type of hallucinations, illusions and also personality disorder.

3. Delusions

a.k.a fixed false belief. A belief that is held firmly despite evidence contrary. A delusion is nearly always a false belief but not always so. There are around 11 types of delusions according to the book. Half of it may suggest Shcizophrenia. Schizophrenia is certainly not in Cloud's case. I've studied one by one the type of delusions and none of them match with Cloud FF7.

I will surely give anyone a good punch in the face if they dare to say Cloud suffers from Schizophrenia. I've met with bunch of patients having it, and the way they see this world is totally different from us.

In some other cases, eg a spiritualist convince a person to believe in his spiritualism and he present with contrary evidence to the non-believer. This non-delusional belief is called 'overvalued ideas'

Overvalued ideas is an isolated , preoccupying and strongly held belief that dominates a person's life and may affect his action. One of the easiest example i can come up with; a friend who had skin cancer may be convinced to her roomate that cancer is contagious, and her roomate suspects any abnormal skin conditions she has is an evidence to show she too, may have developed the same cancer, when the truth is, she's just completely fine.

It is very hard to distinguish between a delusion and overvalued ideas.

I had a patient, he was diagnosed with Schizophrenia. He looked like an ordinary man, but when he talked, it sounded so unreal. He said he had jumped off from 10th floor several times and didnt get a scratch from it. He believed he wont die bcause he had gained super power. He even convinced me to try his 'so-called-secret technique- on how to survive a jump. By doing that often, I will have a superpower like him - a strong physical body. Up until now, I still dont know if he was being deluded with his thought or he was overvalued his idea, bcause from his psychiatric record, he did try to jump off from the second floor of his apartment's balcony a few times.

So, Im not really sure of myself did Cloud [FF7] really had delusion or not. Well, he believed he made it to SOLDIER bcause he had mako eyes. But was it something we called as delusion or was he just overvaluing his idea? He didnt know the truth and his memory messed up. No one could explain to him why he had Mako eyes, except Prof Hojo and Zack who knew the truth

Besides, after Tifa helped with his memory, Cloud accepted the fact he wasnt in SOLDIER. For patient who deluded with their own thoughts, they hardly could believe what people told him.

However, surely Cloud [in AC] had delusions of guilt and worthlessness due to the fact that he believed he had done something shameful and sinful - the main trigger of this theme was, he got infected with Geostigma while he was searching a cure for Denzel. Cloud got depressed with the loss of Aerith and the memory of Zack death had returned, but I think he was recovering very well in that two years time skip. The moment he got Geostigma, he became deluded he was worthless and his depression kicked in again.

Hallucinations and Illusions are normal to be experienced by healthy people, but it wont be if u encounter too many hallucinations & illusions in 2 weeks time. Believe it or not, a lot of people around us are actually mentally ill bcause some of them may have excessive certain delusions, such as delusions of jealousy, grandiose delusions, nihilistic, paranoid etc. Although 'it is consider as normal' in a few circumstance, a few cases need to refer to psychologist and in severer cases, must refer to psychiatrist. If u follow Dr Phil's show, u'll see a bunch of patients have different kind of crazy delusions.

Overall from my statement above, I would conclude that since Sephiroth always appear before Cloud's eyes, this resulting Cloud to think he has both Hallucination and Illusion, when in fact, he's just a normal guy with amnesia and personality confusion. Cloud doesnt have Delusion like how many fans said, neither he has an overvalued idea, even with the evidence of Mako eyes supporting his reasoning + he's a great fighter. I will have to say that perhaps it is his brain defence mechanism that tricks his mind to believe he is a Soldier.

If only Sephiroth stop disturbing Cloud's life, it will be a lot faster to fix Cloud. Tifa alone will be the main strength to get Cloud back to normal. Ah, but this is the beauty of the game. Life wont be exciting without the presence of a beautiful villain and a love triangle (Tifa-Cloud-Sephiroth). Lol Technically I see them trying to fight for Cloud's mental health. Tifa wants to help Cloud with his mental status while Sephiroth is trying to destroy it. Lolololol

My crack theory : Sephiroth says he's going to take Cloud's most precious thing, and he ends up choosing to kill Aerith, but ofc there's another reason why Aerith got killed. But if Sephiroth kills Tifa first, I think he can take over Cloud's mind faster, because then, no one will be holding Cloud back. Honestly no one can ever will, not even Aerith. So does that mean Sephiroth doesnt know about Cloud's deepest secret or is Cloud just good at hiding his weakness?

I WILL UPDATE THE NEXT POST LATER because I've reached tumblr limit images agaiiin. The next part will be focusing about his personality - Personality Disorder

If there is any part that I've mistaken, pls correct me. I'm sorry for my english. English is not my native language, so there are plenty of grammar errors.

#final fantasy 7 #final fantasy vii #final fantasy 7 remake #final fantasy gif #ff7r #mygif #ff7r spoilers #cloud ff7 #cloud strife gif #sephiroth gif #final fantasy sephiroth #character analysis #psychology #psychiatric disorders #cloud strife #aerith gainsborough

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iamtheprotagoneil · 4 years ago

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replies

@lifeinvirtualreality:

I think Nolan going with 'those three gays' is a way to no homo the love story asoecr. Like the majority of people wont even think about poly, they will think about friendship love between three guys with that statement (via)

which is why i said it was another ‘homophobic gay reveal’ lmao. it could’ve been so easy to just imply that there was something going on between neil and the protagonist but my man nolan just had to go with ‘it’s like a bromance’ route smh

@cutekitten6:

#also I LOVE MEDIEVAL/ROYAL AU #ASDFJKFHSKJADHFJK #HOLY FUCK #YES #PROTAG AS A KING?? YES #I like to think ives became a knight after that and was part of the king's personal squad #and kat is maybe an advisor #or regular member of court #but would whip out a sword if anyone wanted to question her hard-earned position back #can kings be godfathers? #because i'd love for protag to be max's godfather #god i love royal aus (via)

the protagonist would make such a great king, wouldn’t he? one that everybody respects and loves, with his great ruling policies and heart of gold. and i didn’t include it in the post, but ives definitely moved up in ranks after that, having proved himself and his abilities by making it past how many warriors in that tournament. not to mention the respect and trust he’s earned from the protagonist for letting go of his own goal and letting neil win so he could be with his beloved. he would easily be appointed a position in the king’s guard, somewhere close to the king himself.

and yes, kat would a great advisor, having a great eye for detail and an iron will. god i just love the image of kat with a sword on her hips, ready to throw hands with anyone who questions her authority, one that she’s very much earned just as ives has.

so like... someone should write this... right? 👀

#i have one friend whos really into the neil is max theory #and shes super convinced on it #and she called me out on shipper goggles on protagoneil because she really couldnt see it #even tho its like pretty glaring imo idk #because kat and protag do have a bond and connection that is fair #but it never seemed to go beyond friendship #and if it did #having kat get romantically interested in someone else while shes still stuck in this abusive marriage is just not great #she needed an outsider to help her and it just so happened that he became a friend #NEIL HOWEVER #neil seemed to just hang on to everything protag said #and knew him so deeply that it just #it cant just be friendship (via)

your friend definitely an eye check, my dude. how could one look at neil being a complete mess - appearance wise - in that first meeting at the yacht club, with his (grins) ‘no, you don’t’ and don’t think that this dude is head over heels for the protagonist?

and yes, there’s a bond and connection between kat and the protagonist, and i do see a bit of, dare i say it, flirting in the restaurant scene, but i believe that was just the protagonist playing up his character. after that, he only looked out for her because he was just a good person, rather than him actually holding any romantic interest for her. it wouldn’t make sense, as i already said, with kat and her abusive marriage, and the protagonist worrying about the literal fate of the world. when would they even have time to form anything more than a friendship between people who’s in the same boat?

and that neil = max theory, man idk. best i can offer is that elizabeth debicki herself has turned it down, so like, i’m sorry but i only listen to my 1m9 tall goddess and no one else 💁

#lifeinvirtualreality #cutekitten6 #replies #tenet #and isabel sorry if i missed any of your tags man #tumblr activity isn't the best at showing every reblog so sorry if i do miss any #it's really been a while since i did one of these reply post #and sorry for your friend hope her eyes get better soon lol #AUs

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ladyboltontoyou · 6 years ago

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Arthur Morgan x Reader: Farmer’s Daughter. 3

Ask: OH MY GOD IMAGINE THE READER IS A GIRL FROM A GOOD FAMILY, SHES WITH ARTHUR FOR A WHILE NOW, THE PARENTS WANT TO MEET HIM. THEY’RE HAVING FAMILY DINNER AND THE COWBOY MAN JUST CANT KEEP HIS HANDS TO HIMSELF UNDER THE TABLE oh my god if your request are open and you would write that i would probably, most likely die...oh btw i love the “farmer’s daughter” story OH MY GOD MAYBE THIS COULD BE THE NEXT PART AAAAAAAAH SHIT! okay okay i’m sorry i just got excited! love your writing, have a great day!

Warnings: Cursing, probably. Slightly public sex, ya get fingered at dinner ok?

Pairing: Arthur Morgan x Reader

A/N: YEEHAW MY FELLOW SLUTS! ENJOY! Also, idk what they called panties back then so I just went with panties, ok?

Two months later and you had fallen completely in love with the man. You both had told yourselves you wouldn’t let it get that far but it was nearly impossible. Every time you would see each other he had something to give you, be it a new drawing of yourself, wildflowers he had found out in the woods, or some suspiciously expensive jewelry that he wouldn’t talk about.

He hadn’t planned on any of it, really, but multiple times a day he would see something that reminded him of you and he just knew he had to take it. Even the jewelry he had stolen from the folks who were unlucky enough to start a fight with him.

After a while of successfully sneaking around the day came you’d both been expecting. Your father caught him.

It wasn’t in the way you’d thought it would happen, thankfully. He didn’t walk in on the two of you or catch Arthur climbing up to your room or sneaking out of it. It was more subtle and less suspicious. The two of you, like the fools you were, were out in broad daylight at the stables on your property. You would go out there regularly to spend time with your horse so you knew your parents wouldn’t question you being down there.

You should have known being that comfortable sneaking around was just asking to be caught. And sure enough, you were.

“(Y/N)? Who is this?”

You fucking twitched. When you turned around you saw your father standing behind you with a look of concern on his face and one of the stable boys watching the whole thing go down. You had given him some money earlier to keep his mouth shut and he sure was getting more than he asked for.

“Howdy mister!” Arthur waved and stepped past you. “Remember me? I stopped by here a while back to ask for some directions.”

Your father squinted and reluctantly shook his hand. Suddenly realization spread across his features as it all clicked. “Oh! Yes!” He laughed and clapped Arthur’s shoulder. “How have you been? Ever find your way?”

“Sure did, thanks to you. I was in town and was asking around, looking to buy some good horses, and a few folks told me you were the man to talk to.” You looked at Arthur with parted lips, in shock at how good of a liar he was. He turned a potential disaster into the most casual and normal interaction without the slightest effort. It was kind of scary.

Your father laughed and nodded, crossing his arms proudly. “You’ve come to the right place, follow me.”

Arthur tossed you a wink and you had to smile then, dumbfounded by how smoothly the whole thing went.

***

After your father had whisked Arthur away to the expensive section of your stables you went back home. Your mother was preparing dinner along with one of the ranch hands, which surprised you. When you questioned why he was there she explained he was making his mother’s famous gumbo, your mother insisted upon it after she had sent some over to your family.

When dinner rolled around your father made it back just in time, a surprise guest at his heels.

“Jane, you remember this man, don’t you? He was the fellow on the white horse who asked for directions to-”

“Of course I do!” She wiped her hands with a kitchen rag, walking into the main room where the two men stood.

You stood up from the kitchen table to watch the whole thing play out, locking eyes with Arthur who just shrugged.

“He came down today to buy a horse from us!” Your father said as he closed the front door behind them. “And to congratulate him on his purchase I’ve invited him to stay for dinner.”

Your mother smiled happily, it wasn’t often you had visitors that weren’t your families prude friends or relatives. “Good! We’re having gumbo tonight, Thomas is cooking his mother’s very own recipe.”

“Oh!” Your father raised his brows. “The one she sent over yesterday?”

“That’s the one.”

“Brilliant! I loved that.”

The two of them talked for a while before Thomas announced the soup was done and your mother went back into the kitchen to help him serve. Your father excused himself to wash up, telling you and his guest to have a seat in the dining room.

You sat down next to Arthur and gave him a look.

“What?” When he finally noticed you looking at him he furrowed his brows.

“How did you manage that?”

“Manage what?”

You snorted, rolling your eyes. “Come on. You’re the best liar I’ve ever met.”

Arthur shrugged, taking the glass of water that Thomas set down in front of him.

“You must not of met a lot of people then.”

“All right, then. Keep your secrets.”

He chuckled and set the glass back down on the table after taking a few generous sips. “Before we almost got ourselves killed, I was going to give you somethin’.” Another gift? He reached in his pocket and pulled out a small folded piece of paper. “Don’t let anyone see that.” He added with a whisper since Thomas had walked in with the rest of the drinks.

You smiled at him and slowly unfolded the paper in your lap under the table. Once you had it done you squinted before realizing it was upside down. You flipped it the right way and your face was suddenly burning. Your breath caught in your throat as you took it all in, quickly folding it back up when your mother walked into the room carrying the giant pot of soup.

The urge to punch him was strong. Why did he have to give that to you then? Why couldn’t he wait? You slipped the paper in the front pocket of your dress and cleared your throat.

Arthur chuckled and took another sip of water, smiling sweetly at your mother as she started filling everyone's bowls. “Thank you, ma’am.”

It was impossible to get the image out of your head. It was a drawing of you, completely naked, lying on your stomach with your head resting on your folded arms, your legs kicked up and locked at the ankles. You were looking directly into the viewer’s eyes with a wicked smirk on your face, some of your hair in your face. Once again you looked utterly magnificent, your body drawn in a way that accentuated every part of you perfectly. If it wasn’t a drawing of you, you probably would have gotten off to it. You probably would anyway, knowing Arthur was the one who drew it.

“What horse did you end up buying, Mr…”

“Arthur. The young brown mustang, think your husband called him Taro.”

Your mother nodded and sat down at the opposite end of the table when she was finally done serving. You wished she would let you help with dinner but she was firm in her belief, not allowing you or your father to help her in the slightest.

It was another ten minutes before your father finally joined you, taking his seat beside his wife. “Please excuse me, got carried away with my hair again.” He laughed and eagerly started eating. Your mother shared a laugh with him, chiding him lightly about how vain he was.

Most of dinner was fine, you all talked about the usual dinner subjects such as work, the weather, and town gossip. You barely paid attention though, the image of you drawn naked was stuck in your mind, along with the idea of Arthur drawing it. You wondered if he had done it in the heat of a lust filled moment or if it was just something normal to him.

What finally snapped you out of your thoughts was the feeling of a hand on your knee. You brushed it off at first, it seemed innocent enough, he had done it plenty of times before when the two of you laid together. It wasn’t inherently sexual.

But then he moved his hand lower, brushing his fingers against the hem of your dress. You looked at him with a subtle glance but he refused to acknowledge you at all.

Crossing your legs you tried to get him to stop but that didn’t deter the cowboy at all. He pulled your dress up just enough to slip his hand under the fabric, then let the hem fall back down over his arm. You wanted to curse him out but you held your tongue and tried to act as natural as possible, taking another spoonful of soup into your mouth.

“So, Arthur, you never told us what you do for a living.” Your father said after sending one of the kitchen maids to bring out a bottle of wine.

His hand traveled up to your thighs, his fingers gently rubbing circles over your skin. “Oh, well, it’s nothin’ excitin’. I work for a man collecting debts from people. Good money.”

“Oh!” Your father acted impressed, shrugging and exchanging a look with your mother.

“If that isn’t exciting, I wonder what is to you!” Your mother laughed and so did your father.

‘Maybe fingering your daughter five feet away from you.’ You thought as you shifted in your seat, thankful for how high the table was. If it was any lower surely they would see that the lower half of his arm was extended towards you.

Slowly, extremely slowly, his hand continued it’s journey upwards. You forced yourself to keep a straight face, even when you felt the tips of his fingers brush against your panties. ‘No problem,’ you told yourself, feeling him pull the fabric aside so he could touch you better. ‘No big deal.’

Arthur rubbed slow circles into your clit with a firm amount of pressure, but not quick or firm enough to get you anywhere fast. And he knew it, too. He ate his second bowl of soup just as normally as he did the first, showing no signs of the fact that his fingers were about to be stuffed inside of you.

You liked to think you looked just as calm as he did. You had finished your soup and were waiting for everyone else to so your mother could bring out dessert, and then you could finally leave the table. If only Arthur would hurry up and finish his meal.

The small talk carried on and left almost no silence which worked to your advantage. If they were quiet they probably would hear how fast your breathing had gotten, especially when Arthur pushed that first finger inside of you. You had to practically bite through your tongue to keep the moan silenced.

“(Y/N), you’re quiet, for once. Are you sick?” Your father joked and everyone laughed, including Arthur. That bastard.

“I’m fine, just like listening to you all talk.” You said quickly, surprised at how even and calm your voice sounded. Almost as if you weren’t being finger fucked.

That seemed to satisfy them enough and they carried on with conversation.

Normally at dinner, you rarely drank any wine, since you were never able to just have one glass. It always led to two, or sometimes even three, and you would end up passed out on your bed hours before you usually would. But tonight you happily drank, finishing the second glass right as Arthur had two fingers curling inside of you.

As hard as you tried not to let yourself orgasm you could feel it approaching rapidly. Arthur could too, noting how your chest rose and fell and how you were twitching around his fingers. He slowed down momentarily, allowing you to catch your breath, before he was right back at it, quicker than before. He had a hard-on of his own but with his belt and gun holster in the way, no one would have the slightest idea, even if they looked right at his crotch. Lucky him.

“Are we ready for dessert?” Your mother's voice scared you out of your wits and you jumped.

“Yes!” You laughed to draw attention away from the fact that you almost spilled your wine.

She left along with the kitchen maid, directing her to get together new sets of dishes.

His fingers curled quicker as he sipped on his wine, keeping his eyes anywhere but your father or you. Your father kept up the small talk, allowing you to give yourself the time to focus on having a discreet and quiet orgasm.

You slowed your breathing as you felt it coming, gripping Arthur’s arm under the table with your left hand as you curled your other hand into a fist around your dress. He looked down at you for a split second, savoring the sight of you as best as he could before he forced himself to look away as to not look suspicious. He gave you a few more deep pumps before you came. The heat and tingles exploded, rippling from your clit and inside your body to your entire form. You bit your lip and looked down, sinking your nails into the skin of his arm. The waves of pleasure that coursed through your body were enough to make anyone scream but you kept your mouth shut and posture still.

When it finally finished you sat back in your seat, running a hand through your hair as you sighed, wiping the sweat off your forehead when your father wasn't looking. Arthur smirked at you and you threw him the angriest glare you could, but you couldn’t keep it for long. When he chuckled you broke out into a smile and you had to look away so you didn’t laugh.

“Here it is!” Your mother said proudly as she carried the pecan pie into the dining room. “Took me all day!”

Arthur made a show of looking impressed and your father praised your mother's cooking to no end, telling her that she was the best cook in the whole west. She smiled proudly and served everyone's plates. Thank god you had already came and Arthur’s hand was back where it belonged.

“I’m going to make you regret that.” You whispered to Arthur as your mother talked about how hard it was to find enough pecans.

“Lookin’ forward to it.”

#arthur morgan #arthur morgan x reader #arthur morgan x reader smut #arthur morgan imagines #red dead redemption 2 #red dead redemption x reader #red dead redemption smut #red dead redemption x reader smut #red dead redemption 2 imagines #red dead redemption 2 x reader #request #ask #myfanfic #farmersdaughter

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jellyfishdooter · 6 years ago

Photo

LISTEN

I HAVE VERY LOW IMPULSE CONTROL

In spite of the current community fire I give you this Rise of the Guardians AU

Character explanations/ mini story under the cut

So after watching Rise of the Guardians (one of my fav animated movies) I got the idea for an AU where the egos are like the Guardians of the JSE community.

Their designs are based off/ inspired by the characters in the movie but instead of just drawing the egos as those characters, I more so let them inspire re-creations of their outfits/ powers

Chase: Jack Frost- Guardian of Family

In the beginning he doesn’t see himself as a guardian. He’s a screw up, a washout. But even through his depression he tries to make others happy before himself. He does this by having fun and trying to get those in the community to join in with him! It’s later on that he realizes he has a part to play and that his is making sure everyone is still together as one big community. He’s here to remind us that in troubling times that we all have each other- that we’re all family.

JBM: Santa- Guardian of Hope

Being the super hero of the group, it’s JBM’s job to protect the innocent and give off the appearance of being something people can depend upon- someone who can protect everyone from danger. He helps the community become strong and makes them laugh along the way (even if he has to make a fool of himself to do it, he loves our smiles)- he gives them hope.

Marvin: Tooth Fairy- Guardian of Creativity (Sams: small Tooth Fairies)

Much like tooth fairy in the movie, it’s Marvin’s job to collect fanart/ fanworks and store them so when the community forgets all that they have built together, he shows them. Not only that, he inspires the content creators and represents their passion for their art. And it’s what he protects. (Along with the help of the little Sams who are the ones who actually collects and re-distributes it so everyone can see what they’ve made.)

Jameson: Sandman- Guardian of Positivity

Arguably one of the most important guardians of the community, JJ is there to remind people the importance of PMA. In his own quiet ways, he encourages the members to think on the bright side- or is just there to give hugs and be there for them. Whenever someone is in such a dark place, he uses his powers to show them that they still have so much potential and that they’re not alone. He give them a light in a dark place to hold onto. (Yes, he uses sign language AND the sand symbols for those who don’t understand sign)

Schneep: Bunny- Guardian of Health

Being the good doctor of the group, he’s there to remind the community to take care of themselves. Yes he may be a lil aggressive in the way he gives out advice, but for a lot of people they need their butts a little kicks to get them moving to help themselves. But not only physical health, he’s also willing to sit down and talk about mental health and analyze what the problem is/ works to help you understand how to improve yourself.

Anti: The Boogieman- “Guardian” of Fear and Chaos

And last but not least, our dear little firestarter. For so LONG he’s waited, waited to be in the spotlight. Before the other egos show up it was just him and it was delicious. He had so much power as he fed off of our fears, insecurities, and of course the headcanons and theories we made about him. But then Jack HAD to make more egos and fill the community with positivity and light. So he sunk back and waited for his opportunity- he waited for his powers to grow strong in the background. And with all of the hints being dropped and community fueling the fire in a continuous positive feedback loop, he gains more and more strength every day. He reminds the community not everything is peachy and rosy. That there are awful things in the world and how you’re just a tiny ripple in a storming ocean. Insignificant. He doesn’t want to stamp out the community- that would be counterproductive. No he just wants them to feel fear for the channel- that nothing is safe anymore- at any turn he could be there. And with that everything always comes back to him.

And sooner or later, the others will fade away...

Extra Headcanons/ Tidbits:

Before they were all guardians they were other people. (TW: death and suicide mentions) -Anti was a reckless criminal and one night his “friends” betrayed him, leaving him behind which wound up being the end of him. They were running from the police and were trying to jump a tall fence when his comrades left the struggling man behind to take the fall. He did in more ways than one. -JBM was just a regular dude, but he sacrificed himself to save a kid getting hit by a bus in the city. Even though he was about to die he kept asking if the kid was okay. The medics told him he saved them and that’s all he needed to hear. -Marvin was a street magician in his time. He did tricks to cheer up people sitting on the sidewalk/ sitting alone and talked to them about their passions. Later the same people would come back and tell him about the new job they got or the current project they were working on. He pulled a teen off the side of a bridge and a local cop mistook it for him attacking her and.. well.. things escalated quickly -Henrik was an upstanding surgeon. He saved lives every day in his career. Even though his wife and child left him, he worked every day to become a better doctor and continued to save people. And after the surgeries he would personally counsel the patients to make sure they were okay physically and mentally. But one day.. they didn’t have a matching organ for the patient on standby.. and he knew he matched the credentials. -Jameson was a small movie star in his time. And when he wasn’t filming he went down in quiet to lift the spirits of homeless children and teens. He would put on small performances and then go around to each of them and comfort them if they said it was okay. He made sure by the end of his visit they were all in high spirit. But one day the filming studio caught fire. The smoke damaged his lungs so he couldn’t call out before the building collapsed. -And Chase... He had a loving wife and two kids who he cared for with his life. He vowed to himself to protect them, even though his wife turned into a bitch as the years went on. One night they were walking home from a day at the amusement park and Chase got jumped with his kids nearby. The criminal threatened to kill the kids if Chase didn’t comply. So to protect them, he did as the criminal said, handing over his wallet and watch and phone. And when the criminal was about to kill one of them anyway, instinct took over and Chase knocked the man down and knocked him out- but when he fell the gun went off

The lights on the globe are the septiclights, each one representing a person in the community

Instead of holidays, the guardians help in the background of charity livestreams and videos to give them that little extra spark.

Sean is the equivalent of the Man in the Moon

The extra fan-made egos (like Robbie, Shawn, Angus, and Bing) are still around, they just aren’t the big guardians.

If they were tho... Robbie- Guardian of Innocence, Shawn- Guardian of Voice, Angus- Guardian of... idk, Protection? Or maybe head cannons lol, Bing- Guardian of Online Connections

When too much of the community becomes afraid/ depressed, the guardian’s form changes (like in the movie) before they disappear -JBM: Becomes weaker, probably needs his glasses to see again, basically turned into a comicbook nerd -Marvin: Loses a lot of his color, magic goes away, turns into a cat? -Henrik: Hands continuously shake, gains a stutter so people can hardly understand him, becomes super paranoid/ closed off -JJ: His colors fade to black and white, it’s really hard to summon his powers, always about to cry/ wants to scream -Chase: Goes into a low state of depression, isolates himself a lot -Anti: His bravado diminishes- basically turns into an edgy teen with spasms instead of actual glitches, wound on his neck closes.

Like in the movie there’s a point where Anti takes over (like right now) and everyone’s powers start to fade

To make this angsty(er) he manages to kill JJ and he disappears, along with the light of positivity in the community.

Chase blames himself for not being fast enough to save him

To turn thing around Henrik suggests a charity livestream to promote a mental health organization. So they all work together to prep

A young community member somehow gets into Henrik’s realm

Memes and shenanigans ensue

“We spend all our time trying to protect the community, we don’t HAVE TIME-... for the community..?”

Chase runs off after young familiar voices calling out for their daddy

Chase ends up in Anti’s realm of fear(the opening is in the woods under an abandoned computer desk). It’s a series of twisted hallways bathed in red light and entire walls of glitching computer screens that cast weird shadows

When Chase gets out he realizes all the equipment is destroyed and he wasn’t there to help

Henrik blames Chase and sad dad runs off.

The community is plunged into a state of fire and fear and there’s no positivity anywhere to be found.

Except one last light...

A fan is talking to a Sam plushie, saying that yeah they understand why the stream COULD have been cancelled.. but everything in their life is just so dark they were really looking forward to it.

Chase finds them and uses his powers to make images of septic lights and funny moments in Jack’s videos

They realize it’s Chase who’s doing it and can see him

All the egos fight Anti with the help of a few community members beside them- giving them power to fight back.

The members bring back JJ

JJ kicks the ever living shit out of Anti with the help of the others beside him Okay I think I’ll stop here XD If you read all this... wowie!

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angeljonghyun · 7 years ago

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So i guess here goes my longer ramble about my feelings and thoughts. No need to read it. Feel free to ignore it. The only way for me to feel relief is to post it online in some way and although i know tumblr is such a toxic site its the only space that feels right for it. its probably full of typos and doesnt make any sense, but hey who cares.

So yeah

Lately a lot of things happened, things which im thankful for and things that help me heal, but theyre not big of a help since my emotions are so strong. As some might know im currently in a clinic for relaxation 5 days a week from 10 am-2:30 pm and its pretty tough. Being around people again, experiencing painful moments during acupuncture (they find good spots that make me cry, not even really bc theyre hurting but they just make me feel all my inner pain all at once), feeling uncomfortable around certain people there and not loving all therapists bc theyre way too harsh with their words.

The past weeks have been intense and exhausting.. and since its all about relaxing i had much time to think. I had lots of time to think about jjong. Sadly it never felt like i have space, strength and time to heal properly.

I feel lots of pain,my heart feels so heavy, im bitter and im weak? Im forcing my emotions to stay calm, i hate crying in the clinic, i cant open up properly and just dont want to cry there all the time although i know i should but i just cant.

Jjong is on my mind 24/7 like literally 24/7 hes always there, always was and idk how much longer he will be but i want him to leave. My memories and the emptiness which i feel is too much, its draining me its hurting so freaking much that i cant even put it in words and the bad thing is that no one really understands.

People may know that im sad in a way but i dont think anyone understands my pain completely, obviously not, no one ever knows how one truly feels, but its a devastating feeling. Its a feeling that makes me feel quite lost and lonely, because the only person i always believed would understand my pain was him. He was my safe haven, he was the one who would be there and never judge and just understand.

Its a really sick part of my mind which has still control over this part of my emotions, i cant trust anyone, i always.. ALWAYS feel judged and i always feel like a burden and i never want to talk about my struggles because it only causes so much more chaos or eventually i never feel like the person tries and feel all lonely and unimportant again.

Jjong he was just there.. you know ?

Just his existence caused some kind of comfort for my soul, a place to rest and feel nothing but good things for a bit although even he was hurting me too, but i accepted it bc he was far away and it was ok. He was so far away always and that gave me the chance to create the 'perfect' comfort zone. I didnt know him, he was never here.. i will just pick out parts i need and use them to stay alive.

Its not something good, but i feel like everyone does this stuff with their bias. Some more than others. I did it too much and that shows how weak and hurt my soul is. Instead of working on my problems properly i just fled into the comfort of jjongs existence, one that was so very similar to my mothers, my mother who i have lost in november 2014. winter... buried in december. Winter. The season where I lost the most important person in my life not only once, but twice now.

Jjong was like a mother to me. I cant describe my feelings for him in another way. He protected me from so much evil within myself while i wanted to protect him too at all costs and it feels HORRIBLE to have failed yet another time. It hurts so fucking much that i lost him too. He who was the biggest reason for me not to kill myself after my mom died. He who was the reason why i started eating again after developing an eating disorder. He who caused so much good in my life. He who in some way managed to manipulate me in the best possible way.

In the end it was all me, i know that, but its still the bond i had to jjong. A sick and sad one and the worst part is that i felt ready to let go slowly at the end of last year. I started realizing that i coudlnt be thinking about him all the time anymore. I want to start going to school again after 4 years of nothing but therapy. I would HAVE to let go and create a more healthy relationship. I was so ready. And then he took his own life..

He stole the opportunity from me to change. He left me here. He left me and all my problems still attached to him behind. Hes not here anymore and although i never saw him or heard or felt him in real life it makes such a huge difference to me and at the same time it doesnt. That is one of the most confusing and depressing feelings ive ever felt.

I wanted to see him in 2018.. i had many chances to see him but never one to go with me. I finally had someone to go with... and now im here.. with that opportunity gone. My biggest wish my biggest dream, the ONE thing that kept me alive for so long. Gone... all ive ever wanted was to see him live. And now.. yeah.

Those are all selfish reasons. I know that. If you even read this then no its not all i feel, but of course my feelings towards him are most important to me, its the only feelings i can work on and the only ones i truly feel. My healthy grief is there too. A distanced version of what i personally feel and no other could. But thats not truly what this post is about. Please dont judge.

So now im here and i dont know what to do.

Death has been the worst and most intense trigger in my life forever. I started being so afraid of death as a child that i could not sleep anymore bc i thought i would die. It was a horrible time, therapy followed, fear left for a few years and came back as strong as ever. Its here too now. My fear. Another reason why i am alive now, yet its not strong enough to truly shut my self destructive thoughts up. Ive noticed that around the time of jjongs burial. I was ... so ready to leave. I still feel sympathy and empathy for myself there. Bc my pain is so big. Its truly so immense but no one truly knows or cares much. Maybe my therapist, but i doubt it.

Well im now always thinking about death and jjong being dead and ive said before that these thoughts are really killing me inside. Idk where he is, how he is, how he feels, does he feel? Whats up with him... what happens??? Its so scary. I find zero comfort in the thought of him resting bc where is he? Is he resting? Does he know? Where is the man i love so freaking much? Where is my mom? Is she with him? Are they lonely?

Ive always said

When its about death, i envy religious people. They have something to hold onto. I have nothing but the unknown in my head. Another one of my biggest fears and my loved ones are stuck in there. In the unknown. And im not there and i couldnt say goodbye to either of them.

Im so bitter i envy everyone whose bias is still there and im always thinking why him. Why HIM why another person of My life why someone i love so much why when i was feeling so much better thanks to him why did he have to suffer. Will i lose everyone?

Im afraid to sleep still bc im scared to wake up to news of another loved one gone. The fears and memories, theyre everywhere. I cant escape and i hate it and dont know how to process.

The most important form of jjong to me was and still is the fictional one, although jjong as a distant human being will always be more fictional to me than real. The fictional version which i have created for my own reasons, its still there just like always, its still cheering me up, its sweet its cute and lovely, but still hard to work with bc i always end up thinking about the real jjong.

Now after seeing the pictures of his grave i rather see that image than him as a person. I welcome that. Im glad i saw the pics bc its all more real to me now, im glad i saw the burial video.. although i never wanted it to be filmed or real in the first place. I dont think i would be still as sane as i am atm if i didn’t see this stuff.

I know that im doing quite good.. i should be proud of myself i guess.. but my pain is overshadowing everything else to the point where im completely at loss of every emotion just thinking about jjong not being here anymore.

Knowledge about his passing, own experiences and the whole process, everything. It haunts me.

Its quite a long way to go i think. I always felt so close to him, we were so similar and although he had many flaws i didnt quite like, especially as i was getting more healthy and he was still stuck, i still loved him so much and accepted that. He was getting so much better from and outside point of view and maybe that was the reason why he finally found strength to leave and its such a sad thing to think about, but i cant really change a thing anymore.

Sadly. Yeah ..

At the end of this i just want to say. Please just care, be there and if a depressed person in your life gets better please pay special attention bc it might be their chance to end it all. I dont want people to die bc of that dumb fucking illness anymore and i know its not possible to prevent it completely but well..

Im tired and theres still so much more to say for me but i cant say much more now. My head hurts and i need to get up and do something in order to forget about all of this for a while.

Please stay strong, please dont give up. I promise you one day it will get better, never fully ok, but better.

Im trying my best to find joy in jjong and shinee again, i doubt that i will, but im trying. I wont leave the fandom now, but im not the same anymore. Listening to shinees or jjongs music is impossible, watching videos too. If you feel the same its fine. Just do whats right for you. Im just here feeling happy for the others and hoping that theyre feeling better slooowly each day a little. Just like i hope it to be for everyone else.

If you came till here. Thanks for caring. Please take care of yourself, you are very loved. Life is hard, but not impossible.

Stay strong.

#personal #longpost #negative #tw:suicide #tw:death

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thyrideneverends · 4 years ago

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(2017)

Escritos que encontre del año 2017 . Y conversaciones conmigo desde el año 2020 ([]).

____________________________ AAAHGH IM SO FUCKING SAD. I cant help but feel that im rotting. I dont want pity; people helping; people empathizing. FUCK YOU. I can do better than you. I DO. In fact. I havent been blinded, and hate everything around me as an excuse for giving my life away for what it was supposed to be. [this could be missunderstod since i was clearly angry 4 something i dont recall, I was refering to people in general, how they put themselves above the others, how they always wanna get "there" first, how they talk trash about their relationships, the anger, the hate that breeds out of them when they are wronged(even if there`s no purpose or whatsoever to cause them, specifically, any troubles), the screaming, the violence, that kind of hate..]

I dont want to just 'be happy' because I have to; so I reject happiness. But I want to feel it like something real and not made up.. does that makes sense? Thats a paradox i cant escape lately. [thats deep man, fortunately we figured that out. Have we figured that out? Happiness now is closed for manteinance ^-^ ]

I cant find pleasure in anything.. I destroyed everything..[you had to start somewhere, right?] I cant find meaning in anything.

I just need someone, i just need not to be alone. But I am; Even surrounded by everyone. I know I am. I know you are too.. I hope you are strong enough to endure it.

[hablabas de otro tipo de soledad, lo se, pero vos todavia no lo sabias, o si?]

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Sometimes I feel like I forgot an important part of being alive. I remember a different version of myself from a few years back. I feel like I'm just existing; nothing pushes my happy button. And when I'm not strong enough to think that it's fine; that I don't need that.. I will just panic questioning myself why, the reason for me not belonging. I know it's fine; I know I can just spend the rest of my..50years left? just doing this; living this eternal circling hell. You might say it's a choice.. That I don't put that much effort into it. That I'm just playing this part. Complaining my ass off. And to that.. I can only say I'm sorry.. I'm doing the best I can. [I know you were.. truly; and u did a great job never letting me down] _________________________________________

Why are we even here right.. What powers you? You wake up, work or study, ingest food, sleep. Repeat. To finish your career and become something.. To earn enough money to become someone.. Be better in what you're doing or you'll be out. You'll be useless. You'll be garbage. We[the system] won't need you.. And then we have to be happy about it.. We have to function collectively happy and there's no room for the outcasts.. And IM to blame for it.. I could be happy like all of them.. But I'm just sitting my ass here thinking what else I can sabotage, in order to understand why it's unnecessary and wish to be also capable of that... Just capable maybe of.. not be weird; not be me.. And sometimes thats all that matters. That Im me.. And I love not being a part of them. I just can never get a hold of that moment and make it last.. I will feel alone just a moment after. [Im so glad we worked our loneliness, I mean, we have such fine moments in silence..]

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Aah... I was just given advice by a hot girl on tinder about how should I type, express and resume myself so the person on the other side of the screen won't stop replying thinking I'm an idiot.. She basically said :- "hey, you're an idiot but maybe a cute one. Here's human help. Just stop being you and people will like you" Y'know what? that's bullshit... It makes me so anxious that it happens all the time. There's always someone judgin. Not only online; real life is the worst. I just don't fit in here I guess. I'll keep talking with the tinder girl, maybe and get emptynessly laid, why not? But I think I hate this.. I hate that everything craves for a definition and people just won't LOOK; Im hidden among them... God how I wish to know who's there ravaging their brains with questions while walking in that empty crowd. I wish I could find you and ask just what you were thinking there. At that unique moment. You are not alone... But if you feel like I do; I wonder if you also wonder. I wonder if we're just very far away from each other.. I wonder if it`s true that there can only be one of us by this cosmic rule that goes: only one 'you/me' for every thousand people. Or.. maybe it's just me. Too old to be an idiot... Too idiot to fully be himself around smart well adjusted people. I guess it's a matter of perspective. isn't it pretty much all? Have a good night stranger.. [Not so stranger.. my dude.. U didn't get laid btw, you couldn't pull through with that. And then you promised you wouldn't lie about who you are.. You wouldn't ever play another role other than the one you are. Well, it was more like a statement than a promise, to yourself. I was there.. Best decision you ever made. You mutated loneliness into a condition, a simple symptom of your choice of living; instead of a disease on itself.. Very clever.]

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You don't have to read but if you wanna unload please write it down. Everything u hate.. or love; This I wrote on my personal account but it makes me anxious to open myself to judgy people, so I erased it.. We live to judge because we love fixing things that didn't go right with us. Never understanding each perspective is unique. Well Im gonna paste it here because I don't want to lose it.. I don't want something I really meant to be just a deleted thing..(even if it is)

Have u ever felt like you're unique or different? But then just analyzing, we all just walk towards and objective. We don't do things just because. You don't get up every day to just go to work.. to just have breakfast or go shopping, idk; people set goals. We follow patterns. We repeat the same exact thing to strangers of the streets. The same exact things other strangers reply to us.. We are the same NPCs to others. And then realizing this I just wanna scream PLEASE GET ME OUT OF THIS. Please look at me! I don't want this. I don't want to be aware of this.. I don't want to feel I'm just to you what you guess I am. What's the point of everything? How do I get to know who I am if I'm always this self-centered stupid attempt of somebody? Nobody wants that. Sometimes I am glad to be "awake". To be different from the other people in their bubbles... But most of the time I'd give EVERYTHING to be exactly like that. Because I feel lonely. Because I have so many friends, but we can't communicate. Because I've lost the ideal of love because at a certain point I was scared of being a problem and it hurts so fucking much. I don't think I am special.. or more intelligent or cultural, I just feel I have a different degree of "profoundness" than most other people. It's not something I talk about or show, most of the time i pretend to fit in, but I don't. I can fool myself for periods, I've fooled myself for so many years now, but in the end it always comes back, I can't hide it forever. it hurts so much. I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse and I feel like a fucking show-off that just wants attention..

[I felt that.. dude. You write beautifully..]

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Hi person reading this. Be nice, life is full of shitty people. Make a tiny difference; someday we're all gonna die so its cool. Dont hold grudges ^^ . [^^]

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We are all just internet jesters shitposting to fill the void Even if you're just taking selfies and being beautiful while loving life, smiling to nothing and eating healthy shit while showing off the new place you just visited to a bunch of strangers that doesn't give a fuck about you .. (actually those are the worsts) yeah.. (Don't get me wrong I'm not saying it's bad. I do that too ! we like showing ourselves to others..) Screaming... I exist. Notice me sempai. We just are ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

________________________________________________ *draw of myself* [couldnt find it anywhere, where did u put it D: . i remember the sad expression] I know It has a lot of imperfections but so do I. I guess this is how I see myself.. Maybe I just wanted it to be like that. To express something to myself. I still feel like a little kid sometimes even tho I'm 25; "I just can't play with the other kids because I feel different and they make me feel different." Now I can't play with the adults, they're too adults. They make me feel too adult; i need to act up every move to become like them. And then alone, I can be at peace being who I wanna be; But it gets lonely from time to time; Not being able to understand who are you really; where are you really above the necessity of impersonating this other dude to get laid, get the job, get the money. And for what?.. Just to keep doing it because there is really no other choice.. How sad. But anyway. Ever tried to draw yourself? To see what's the image of you that you hold in your head.. if u truly do it; it doesn't matter if you know or not how to proyect yourself.. Every trace you make on that paper is a creation this world has never seen.. your chance to make a difference; it doesn't have to be trendy or impact in mankind. I suppose that's what I call art. And that's why art is everywhere.. Everything that can never be repeated.. Anything that comes from you; or life itself. A random amount of dirt.. Sunlight getting through the leaves of a tree.. Pieces of a broken cup and the stain of coffee in the carpet.. I'm not an artist myself tho; never considered myself even close to one.. I haven't drawn in years.. This is my first one in a long time; I just felt like it.

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nightskytypes · 7 years ago

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I was just as blind as everyone else

But then again “blind” really isnt as much of an accurate description as “skillfully decieved” would be. I heard the same things everyone else did “Rachael cheated on me. Rachael did this. I loved her and she did this to me” But one thing remains the same.

Not one person is told how you cheated on her just as much as she cheated on you. You never, not once, focus on the mistakes YOU make that lead up to the destruction of the relationship. No one knew about phynix, a fake girl you would run back to every time things went south with rachael and you. Not one person knew how you made the very bed you lay in now.

And thats the thing with you. You always will do everything possible to avoid taking responsibility for the way things end up. Its always poor you, look at what they did to you, how could they do this when you loved them so much? Why couldnt they just listen. You always do so much.

But youre just a repeat offender… yourw just a cowardly little kid who refuses to face up to the consequences of his actions.

You have not grown an inch since the day you cheated on her. You have no learned one bit. And that is accuratly displayed in what you did to me.

You lie through your teeth and purposefully avoid revealing the horribly manipulative and harmful actions you are well aware will cause damage to your significant other because it will gain you no sympathy. It will get you no pats on the back. Itll make being told you love with all your heart nothing but an empty lie. Because it’ll revile your half assed selfish nature, that you do not do all you can and have not changed in the slightest since your first relationship.

You cheated on me. You emotionally cheated. Which may be short from what you did to her, but it is an inexcuesable action nontheless. One that is in no way hard to make the choice to, idk, NOT do. And when i developed a voice on it. When i no longer allowed you to walk all over me and take your sweet time to no longer do the things you KNEW hurt me? You made me out to be an irrational bitch. You painted me out to be the one who victimizes themselves and never loved you as much as you loved me (vomit.) how *I* somehow strung YOU along. played with YOUR emotions. lied to YOU about my feelings. you made up scenarios and backed it with Google level psychology like my looking away from you trying to force my face directly in front of yours was some outrageous indication I was lying when I said I love you, and totally not because you know I cannot look someone straight in the eyes when I'm in fucking pain. for someone who refuses and makes up any excuse he can to not see a therapist you sure love to act like one to everyone else.

And its a real joke..cause i did nothing to break your heart. I didn't flirt with other people. I didn't hide dating sites behind your back or purposefully keep images of us off of sites for me to get more attention from people. I treated you well. I checked up on you round the clock, like you wanted, constantly seeing if you were okay despite knowing youd just brush it off and lie to me expecting me to continue to chase you. And I have eye witnesses. I constantly allowed you to fuck me over so you could take your time because “you need repitition to learn” and youre “trying as hard as you can”. Jeez, 2 years into the relationship and i was set on leaving my entirw life, my entire COUNTRY for you. I was willingly putting my life on hold ao your impatient ass could have me there asap. And yet I never did anything for you. I never cared enough. if I loved you I'd do anything, right?

And what do i get for it? My name dragged through the mud. Treated like nothing short of a pile of trash to be tossed out cause i no longer served a good enough purpose to you. You trying to cover up my existance with the next set of nice tits to hit your phone screen.

You play with my heart for a straight year. You fuck me over not once, not twice, but FOUR times all because you can never own up to your actions. You scream and yell and intimidate me into silence, make me fear being hit by you but never seeking help. And then take all the credit for the relationship like you were the one trying to talk things out and make it work. Its hard to talk when youve got an over compensating male shreeking at the top of his lungs like am ugly banshee how much he doent want to hear he is breaking your heart.

But alas. In a month, I will have my GED. I will then be moving on to achieving my dream goal and i will be entering into fighting classes because I will NEVER again allow a man to tell me he loves me and then run up inches away from my face as if they were gearing up to fucking fight me to scare me into silence.

The next man that believs they are big enough to lay a finger on me will recieve the business end of the floor shattering their teeth.

I would of done anything for you. I would of been there through anything had you of just had some fucking loyalty and maybe actually went to get the professional help you have needer since you were a teenager. You meant everything to me, but i was nothing more than a shiny trophy to wear on your arm till you could find the next bigger breasted one.

I will pity the next girl stupid wnough to not see that where there is smoke, there is fire.

Youre a liar. Youre a cheat. Youre a repeat offender. You are selfish and abusive. And you are nothing but a coward.

Karma is a real cunt, my good bitch. And you will find nothing but regret casting out the people who actually wanted you to become the decent human being you could be and not the pathetic troglodyte in human cloathing you are now.

Youre 24. Not 16 anymore. Its time to stop blaming the girls you fuck over for your life being the way it is and look in the mirror. You hide things because you KNOW its wrong.

Cheating is not a mistake. Its not an accident. It is intent. It is never not known how it will turn out. It is not a suprise or secret when it ruins your fucking relationship.

And although I may be the one ranting to tumblr months after, i at least can look my demons in the eyes and grow.

I at least have walked away from this dumpster fire of a relationship with a voice and sense of self worth

While you once again cover your ears and shut your eyes running into your moms arms to have her tell you they arent real. You cant even talk about me without feeling like you need to “carve out your chest” Getting rid of amazing friends all cause they took the time to really find out what was going on. (Your loss man. Theyre great.)

Guilts a hell of a feeling, isnt it my stupid, stupid love? 😙

Its what you get for always thinking with your dick and never your fucking head.

Go flood a desert with your fake ass crocodile tears. It’ll take a worlds worth of work to redeem yourself from the vile web you’ve spun. but you’re just too much of a chicken shit to put the work in for it and actually face the mess you’ve made, So you threw me and anyone else with balls to call you out on your bullshit under the bus. In fight of flight, it’s easier to run away than it is to get the fuck over yourself and actually grow. you can try and make me out to be the one crying victim. make *me* out to be the stubborn one. make me the toxic problem and reason your life was soo stressful but hunny, I ain’t a mirror. and the only one who fits those categories and has for years? Is you and your mistakes you CHOSE to repeat over. and over. knowing it would get you no where but on your ass crying to mommy about how hard it is.

#i was a damn blessing in your life #you just couldnt handle it.#and dont think for a second this means im not over you #you know i have a grudge problem.#ill hate you for the rest of my days if you show youll never change #and after what youve done? i deserve to rant for a little while #feels real damn good to be guilt free bruh #should try not being a massive pos one day #maybe your new helmet can protect you from your own stupidity.

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no2da · 8 years ago

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dream diary, my guys have fun

i was in a friends home, it was at night and i think i was supposed to cat sit? no one was at home (to my knowledge) but im talking to someone? probably myself?? the apartment was so huge and some of the rooms looked like the original walls had been removed and new ones been built to change the layout completely and i was asking the person who i was talking to where the bathroom was cause i couldnt find it and then i looked into the parents bedroom and theres just a doorway arch without door and a stair leading down and the steps are laid out with tiles and at the bottom i can see a bathroom and im just thinking, oh wow i thought this was a flat, also. lol they have no bathroom door you can hear everyone shit from the beds. and i wanted to go down there and i thought, must suck for the parents to have everyone go through their bedroom to go use the toilet. and when was downstairs i realized the bathroom wasnt a bathroom but just a narrow hallway and there were some doors leading into rooms and one rooms door was slightly open and light was coming out and i was like, shit!!!! and i run upstairs and when im in the bedroom again i whisper really angrily ‘why didnt you tell me theres still someone here ???!! ‘ and then i go down again cause i wanna know who is there and i peak through the gap between the door and its some kid watching tv and she turns around and looks me straight in the eye and i fucking run away that was so scary. i run into one of the other rooms and barricade the door and sit there and im having the image in my head of me cutting the throat of that kid with a sickle and hearing, that would solve the problem, and then im like, no!! and see myself cutting my own throat with the sickle and im like, THAT would solve my problem you sick fuck, and then i can see whats happening out the door and theres the kid standing with a sickle about to ram it into the wood and then im outside again but she didnt notice me and i grab her arm and softly say, no, and then im in another room and theres someone with me and also a cat and the other person is doing embroidery and im playing with the cat with their yarn and i try to roll the thread back and the other person says they dont want it anymore cause the cat had it in its mouth.

i woke up for a bit cause the dorm next to mine is getting renovated and they made some noise but i fell asleep again

all the characters from naruto where having like a banquet for borutos anime debut, and they werent animation but real life people, like sasuke was some middle aged dude wearing the shittiest wig and tenten a rly tall black girl, also tenten was the owner of the venue where the party was hold. this was in the late evening it was dark already. then everyone noticed that boruto wasnt even there so they started a search for him. this lead out of the city. there were like only two locations (it was around sunset now), one was a still picture of a highway crossing and the other was a highway along a huge field of wheat. boruto was in that field for idk what reason, there was also a black kid with bleached hair and a rifle sneaking around in there. the search troupe werent aware of them and were looking on the other side of the highway. then there was a small explosion followed by a gun shot in the field. at one end we now could see a couple police guys swat gear ?? and a drone was flying over the field. could see boruto dodging the shot from the swat guys but couldnt dodge the drone. the kid with a rifle was standing a couple meters away not being fast enough for any real reaction. then choji and his mom and dad were there, jumping in and like, matrix like blowing the fucking bullets away, ,,. then everyone was like lets go back home we saved boruto blah and some guy was like, anyone know this kid (with the rifle) but no one knew him but they took him back to the city with them, and on the way back there was the still picture of the crossing again and someone commented, hey, the sun hasnt moved one bit but our search lasted hours? also didnt we start the search at night why is it still sunset?

idk who made this comment but naruto tried to dismiss it and then we were back at tentens restaurant and someone (I Cant remember) was leading shikamarus child in there (still like a toddler) cause they thought the father was in there, but tenten told them he wasnt there but they were like, oh well lets still let him wait for him here and brought him to their usual table and josuke and okuyasu (whatefuck are you guys doing here) were sitting at the table and okuyasu gave tenten a compliment on her new suit. when the person who brought the child was gone tenten went into the kitchen and talked to one of the waitresses about how weird that was and she was really worried about something called an ACADEMIA and suspecting something to happen, then the kitchen door opened and some huge ass slimey meat blob came through and it had a mouth and when it opened it we could see its tongue and its tongue had a mouth again (haha) and shikamarus kid was like, slowly coming out of that second mouth and it was crying and the thing was starting to talk and it said it was an ACADEMIA (my guy thats the name of this fucking alien thing what the fuck ,mind the capital letters) and how it needs to kill all life forms that arent ACADEMIAs and then the waitress started screaming and took one of those huge metal trays for baking and just starts beating the alien with it and it was just like fucking putty but the thing about those aliens was that they could regenerate if left alone, so tenten and the waitress shoved the thing under a pantry so it wouldnt have the space to become big again and they also folded the edges of the, flat putty thing over, so it coudlnt grow limbs?? (it didnts even have limbs in the first place waht) and after that was done tenten realized that shikamarus kid was gone now too, killed along w the alien and she had a come up with something now

and while this happened in the kitchen >>I<< (but, i wasnt watching the whole thing from >my< perspective i was still watching it all like in a movie and suddenly i am an actor in it) showed up at the restaurant and just started, grocery shopping there?? i bought a weird moldy lemon (only because a waitress convinced me to buy it and i cant say no), a lemon the size of a melon, a pack of tiny muffins and one huge muffin, and chocolate covered biscuits, white chocolate and some weird ass red one. and i stole the shopping cart i just took it home with me, and i lived in some weird ass run down shit house with a netto right next to it and i fucking go grocery shopping in a restaurant instead, i bring the fucking shopping cart with me into the kitchen and a family is there while i unpack the groceries, and im. like. posing for one of their family members. i dont know these people and they dont know im not really the person they think i am but im not even in disguise. so i put the muffins on the counter and say i bought the huge one for (i forgot the name) and the white chocolate biscuits for (i forgot the name too), they were the two daughters. muffin was the younger one and biscuits the older one, but then older one comes up to the counter and takes the muffin and looks at me really knowingly and says thanks in a rly weird way and im just, shit. i fucked up they know now im not the real thing. and i just try to play it cool take the lemons and go back to my room.

and my room is . the set for a historical play about suffragettes im writing and and all the actors and technicians etc are there and deedee is there too and shes asking me to give her a role in the play and i want her to play one of the suffragettes (note: the costumes for the suffragettes were mainly made out of belts, weird) and of course the character deedee plays must be a lesbian too but my director says she can only have a crush on another woman whos already married to a man, no requited romance cause i already wrote another gay couple in the script and there cant be two according to him and that pissed me off so i want to take it out on his favorite male character. he was supposed to have a party hosted at his house and i change the scene so the party is somewhere else. i put down the lemons on my bed and climb on it to take down the wall carpet, which was like, essential for the guys party scene, idk why my bed was in the scene. the carpet was super gross like tons of dust and lady bugs and there were even. tiny plants sprouting from it and i verbally let my anger out on the guy and he gave me a vacuum cleaner so i could clean and while i try to suck in some lady bugs and in that moment the bag is apparently full and so fucking full that the shit comes out at the tube and the end piece and there are tons of bugs and i just let it drop cause it scares me and the older sister who exposed me tells me to change the bag and takes my lemons and i just wanna cry cause the fucking bugs are on my bed and i dont wanna open that thing and she took my lemons!!! but im strong and go get a new bag and open the vacuum and cleaner and for some reason i have a pair of scissors now and cut open the old full bag (WHY WOULD I DO THIS) and theres bugs crawling everywhere, silver fish and lady bugs and im just sitting in this pile of shit, good morning

#sweet dreams

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stigma-taes · 8 years ago

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In Detail BTS Theory: V is a Devil

After rewatching all the BTS music videos, I had a ton of ideas and I’ve got alot to say about all the boys’ characters in this universe and mutiple theories for the verse as a whole. But this post will specifically focus on my boy Kim Taehyung and how he falls into sin, faces his judgement for it, ends up in hell and then becomes a straight up Demon. Im paying attention to specifically on the I Need U, Run, On Stage Prologue, Stigma, and Blood Sweat and Tears videos in this one. It’s gonna be long so ill put it under a cut, feel free to add on or tell me what you think!!

Taehyung’s character’s story starts real quick right here with this moment in I Need U, where he straight up kills a guy:

u can see him here, just before he enters the room he grabs something off a table nearby (A bottle, maybe?)

and then he approaches this asshole (who was just beatin up a girl in the room)

and then raises his hand, obviously about to hit this guy REALLY hard, judging by how high his arm is raised and the force with which he’s heading toward this guy and hes aiming for the head/neck area.

Goin in for a fatality.

It can be assumed that he did kill this guy because, when we look at the On Stage Prologue, it opens directly on tae looking solemn, crying and:

Covered in blood.

He’s wearing the same clothes as in the I Need U video, and i think it’s also pretty safe to assume that blood isnt his own. There’s way too much of it and he doesn’t seem to be hurt at all. V totally killed that guy or at least fucked him up real bad. And either way, whether it be an assault or murder, both are sins. Both of which are one of the seven deadly sins: Wrath. Which gets ya sent STRAIGHT to hell unless you do the most to get god to forgive you, which tae doesnt really do. But, for the purpose of this theory, we’re working under the assumption that it was a murder.

And, murder isnt just any sin. It’s one of the original ten commandments in the catholic and christian faiths. For those who aren’t familiar, the ten commandments were sins given to Moses by god himself. And right there in plain sight is “Thou Shalt Not Kill.” Tae has also committed a super sin: Wrath (through a murder) and is now on a fastrack to hell.

So, with that established, we can move on.

To his death.

Yea i know there’s 10000 theories for how everybody dies in the mv’s but this is my personal one, and the one that makes the most sesne

In the end of the On Stage Prologue we see Tae (who, throughout the entire beginning has been incredibly… off and almost tortured when he’s alone) climbing this tower thing by the ocean:

there he is at the top (also this is a beautiful photo like good job whoever was directing and filming)

And then the squad encourages him to jump thinking “O shit boi he gon do it!!!!!! This gonna be SICK!!! Jumpin into the OCEAN from hella far up bruh u wild!!!”

But, idk about you, but this doesnt seem to me like the face of someone who’s goofing around and trying to impress his friends with a sick ass jump does it? Its seems kinda mad, maybe afraid, stressed? Dark, tbh. And he’s still wearing the goddamn hoodie from I Need U, which was clearly intentional by the crew bc the rest of them are all wearing different outfits:

(not a great pic but u get the idea)

But, BAck to V; once he reaches the top, he flashes the others a smile, and then he takes a running start and he jumps

And thats where the MV ends.

But how do we know he’s dead????? you ask, eyebrows furrowed and back hunched over this long ass post.

Well, i reply, rubbing my grimy little hands together, ill get back to that.

For now, we’ll look at the Run MV, which i think takes place during the same time as/very near to the I Need U video:

Here they are by the trains in I Need U

And here are the same trains in Run, they connect the two videos and put them very close together in the timeline.

But, because they are so close to eachother, we can be comfortable saying that Tae has been getting into alot of trouble since yknow he killed a guy. Something like that might set someone’s life on a downward spiral.

Here he is getting arrested for vandalism, what has happened to my troubled boy, oh no???

Well, we find out what happens in his personal Short Film for Stigma:

Here you can see him back at the same wall where he and rapmon had previously vandalized, except this time he’s alone

Where he is caught by police and, looking smug, he gives himself up and is then shown later in the video shown being- questioned by someone

I’ll loop back around to that in just a moment, but now is where we talk about how we know V is dead:

Back in the Run MV, opens on V in all black: (an incredibly common color to symbolize nothing other than death)

Falling backwards into a pool of water

And where did we see V last before this MV? In the on stage prologue, jumping right into the ocean looking tortured and awful. There is this totally background and foreground, with the only real color being the water and V himself. Everything else is black and it’s hard for this part to not stand out because its drastically different from the rest of the MV thats far more colorful and has an actual setting. But, because of this water motif, I think V drowned in the ocean. Whether on purpose or not, that i’m not entirely sure.

But throughout the Run MV we get these random shots of V in water, looking like he’s really struggling to swim

Again, these shots, like the one in the beginning of the MV with him, dont fit at all with the rest of the MV, theyre so out of place that they stand out because there really isnt many shots of them in water or anything to do with water (besides Jimin with the bathtub but thats a totally different theory). So with this emphasis of V and water, i think thats what killed him. Maybe it was an accident that he died and he lost himself in the fall downward? Or maybe he couldnt swim in the first place and he knew this and couldn’t deal with his demons and he did it on purpose.

To push this further and get how V actually becomes a devil, we can look at Stigma again. Stigma has the same striking images as the beginning of Run does:

with the totally black backgrounds and the focus soley on V, which, i think, puts the brief piece of V falling backwards into the water from Run right before Stigma.

Meaning that it takes place after he has already died.

And he’s now in some kind of purgatory,

being questioned about his sins.

Between the shots of him being asked his name, and about his parents, we are shown these images of Tae, now all in white (white symbolizing innocence and purity, so we can assume this was before the murder and any other sins he’d committed)

But he’s getting up by some invisible force:

So something is beating him in his innocence, hurting it, wounding it.

And then we get the puppy. It’s an all white lil pupper and I think that the dog is a physical manifestation/representation of V’s innocence itself.

Then we see these images of V with, assumingly, the man he killed and the girl he was protecting:

The guy is later in the MV shown trying to beat the girl again. These scenes (memories maybe?) are what ruined V’s innocence, what are stripping him of that: which can be assumed by the cage

You can see this cage coming down just as he starts to recall these memories

Which traps him inside and sends what little innocence he had (the puppy) running from him-

Why is all that relevant? Well, traditionally, when someone loses their innocence they are far more likely to fall into sin. (Hence why so much weight is put on keeping ur virginity n shit in christianity)

And assuming that the man V murdered was the one beating the girl (and perhaps the force we saw beating him as well), that man was the one who put the cage around V’s innocence and stripped him of that through hurting him and V watching him hurt the girl. This loss of innocence, and the man’s cruelty, eventually drove V to commit his sin and kill the man.

But, no matter his reasoning, no matter what innocence was ripped from him, Tae still had his sin. He had Wrath. He had Murder on his soul and for that reason, we can assume that his judgement in this purgatory sent him to hell.

He was an angel (in white), free from mistake and full of innocence. But, he fell into sin, and rather than suffer for eternity, V, because he was ‘evil’ enough as a human by committing such sins as Murder and one of the seven deadly sins (wrath) he is allotted to, becomes a devil.

This, we can assume, by finally looking at Blood Sweat and Tears:

First thing to note: the setting

This seems to be some perfectly pristine, beautiful place. And going with the theory that literally everyone is dead (a quick youtube search can give you a million theories if you don’t have any), could this be heaven, maybe?

but no, that doesnt make sense because V is with them and we’ve already established that there is no way V could get into heaven bc of his sinning. So where are they?

Well, If you look here, all the others in the video are all wearing rather nice clothes, stuff they’d go out in on the regular, but what stands out is V’s outfit:

boy in pj’s and aint got no shoes!!!!! Where do u wear pj’s and no shoes????

At Home.

Tae invited them all to hell, where he probably has the Dream Life through his devil status. Anything he could ever want and he probably promises the others the same if they join him. Almost like a “look what you could have” type of thing.

Sounds devilish, hm???????

Later in the video, we see Tae cover Jin’s eyes as Jin is looking at a painting from earlier that depicts a battle between Heaven and Hell, in which heaven seems to be winning:

Tae blinds Jin to this image of Heaven’s promise and strength, of salvation, and instead he shows Jin something.

When he seperates his fingers, Jin sees this statue with huge black wings.

Devil Wings.

And then what do we see????

V, with wounds that clearly are from wings that had been taken off or ripped from him, lost somehow.

And then Jin kisses the statue, which could represent Tae due to him missing wings and the Statue having them.

And, in all the old stories, how does one seal a deal with a Devil?

By kissing them.

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