#idk man i have many thoughts but my brain cant put them into words

[tinukis]

sabosan enjoyers wya bc i havent stopped thinking abt a little royalty au between these two... i donT have all the details bc im unfortunately empty brained but

sometimes i think abt how sabo refused to marry a princess while sanji gets a whole arranged marriage arc and im just... what if in an au they run away together bc they dont want an arranged marriage

how they found each other, idk !! but i personally imagined they were quite young when they first got engaged and how they'd sit through boring dinners and wish they were elsewhere. when they eventually find each other, they both kind of find it funny how theyre in similar situations (not too much detail) and hit it off from there

or

they were arranged to marry each other (bonus but also angsty points if either of them was ftm and unfortunately forced to present as a girl) and it's just miserable. how both of them didnt want this and how they both dont like their families and well. they were awkward friends at first but after a couple of dinners/meetings, they start to hit it off well and learn more about each other despite their marriage being for business.

how nice would it be if they agreed to marry only to put their families in shambles after running away together

[dragon-queen21]

im so happy you enjoy my ramblings! it means a lot to me, thank you🤍

Going off your recent mini fic, I DEFINITELY agree with the idea of zoro regressing, had that headcanon FOREVER but yeah sorry im a sucker for “big strong man being taken care of” he deserves it man. i feel like he’d be a older regressor normally (round 8) but if he needs to can slip really far (2-3, sometimes younger) like the idea of like regressed zoro just working himself up over something and stomping his feet and everyones like so surprised and hes so embarrassed about it idk i keep thinkin about it

i feel like the first time zoro FULLY regresses, he wakes up little. specifically after the crew leaves a island where he had to fight a huge battle and he doesnt realize he feels different until he goes to see his crew for breakfast, so now he one, has no idea whats going on and why he feels like this, and two, the poor baby is silently working himself up over it :(

i see zoro being strangly picky? sanji brings out breakfast for the crew and zoros just looking at it like its the grossest thing in the world. and sanji notices and its the strangest thing because sanji has MADE this dish for him before. sanji KNOWS zoro likes this ??? and now that sanji pointed it out everyones put their attention the zoro waitin for him to say something,

in my imagination, choppers the one to process that fact zoros regressing

and the kid is all overwhelmed with all the attention

in my head the end of this situation either ends up with zoro crying :( or him getting mad at everyone for thinkin theres somethin up (there is)

i dont see zoro as aomeone to get genuinely mad at the crew often but throw in overwhelmed kid factor and what do you get?

in another situation after both he and the crew accepts zoros a little, they make a rule that he cant use his swords little and that pisses him off because he got to use his swords when he was kid? why not when hes regressed and the crew has to explain that its because what if he slips younger all off a sudden? they cant control that, its too dangerous.

okay thats it for now, im sorry it was SO hard to put my thoughts on little! zoro into words, and ill be honest im not to happy about how i worded this, so i hope you understand what im trying to say and convey

but please if you have any little! zoro hcs id be happy to hear! no pressue at all though!

📷

Mkay we are going to pretend this didn’t take me as long as it did to answer. I wanted to give you a proper well thought out response and my brain was fighting me for days 😭

Anyways!

~I have had so many thoughts about regressor Zoro (when my brain will cooperate). I swear I say this all the time but I WILL post that fic in full. Eventually. One day. >///< ahh too many projects.

~I have such a soft spot for a character who is always protecting those around them getting taken care of in return.

~Zoro would throw so many small temper tantrums over the silliest things.

~In love with the idea of Zoro being ever so slightly clueless about his own regression. Add injury and blood loss, post adrenaline haze, etc. and just so many reasons for him to make excuses that everything is fine, he’s just feeling a bit off that’s all… until it happens again and again and suddenly he starts to realize, hmm maybe something is up… maybe he needs to go to Chopper about this.

~Ooh okay, I’ve had that headcanon for awhile with Zoro being fussy when it comes to food. I think that Sanji would eventually get so fed up with trying to feed the little, because he liked eating this meal yesterday so why is he throwing a fit today???, that eventually Robin takes over for him just because she has more patience for the regressor. (Also just mama Robin my beloved.)

~Zoro acting funny, my first thought was, oh gosh Luffy would be just so- Luffy.

“There’s not’ing wrong alright?!”

“Yes there is. Zoro is acting funny.”

“‘m not!”

“Are too!”

~Telling Zoro he’s not allowed to use his swords also because no one knows how to properly watch over him. Unlike him as an actual kid there is no one to properly ‘train him’ does that make sense?

~Recently been on the kick of caregiver Luffy. Just loving the idea of him being oddly good with kids and highly responsible in his own way. Overly protective once he knows one of nakama is little. So just thinking about him watching over Zoro and realizing his first mate is small before Zoro realizes it himself.

[quodekash]

GUESS WHAT BITCHES KANGSAILOM HAVE KISSED AND NOW ITS TIME FOR ME TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK BECAUSE OF THEM, ALL OVER AGAIN (im so hoping it doesnt take me 2-3 hours to watch this episode again but it honestly probably will)

NO

I KNEW THE FRIKIN BACK PAIN THING WOULD COME BACK INTO PLAY

ISTG IF THESE BITCHES KILL HER THEY'LL ALL HAVE HELL TO PAY

NOT MY GRANDMA MILF GODDESS QUEEN SHIP-CAPTAIN

NOT ON MY WATCH

NOT ON MY WATCH

PFFFFFFFFT

oh honey

he's desperately pleading, he wants to tell him but he doesnt want to say it, he wants sailom to know what he's thinking and what he feels and what he wants and what he needs, but he still doesnt understand his own feelings and thoughts and desires

why did you kiss me? why aren't you talking to me properly? why are we here, in this locker room? why do you like me? do you like me? why can't everything be simple?

all condensed into a simple word

and he's avoiding eye contact, he cannot look at kang and he will not look at kang but it's not like it used to be, where he wouldn't look at kang because kang didn't deserve the respect, where he would only look at kang to smile and laugh at him because he doesnt fear him, no this time he wont look at him because he's afraid. afraid of the answer, afraid that he's wrong, afraid that he's right

AND HE WIPES HIS MOUTH

AND KANG IS WATCHING THE WIPE SO ATTENTIVELY

he sees sailom wipe his lips, rid himself of their kiss, rid himself of this conversation and of the fears and thoughts and questions and confusion, and kang just wants him to know what he feels but he doesnt know what he feels and the best he could put it was through that kiss, and kang had to watch as sailom removed any trace and feeling of it from his mouth

ouch

LOOK AT HIM

YOU CAN SEE HIS SWIRLING HURTING THOUGHTS

perth and chimon are both such astounding actors I cannot fathom them

PLENTY MORE CHANCES TO TALK TO EACH OTHER PROPERLY WHEN YOU'VE FIGURED OUT WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR MIND AND HEART

is this not post-patpran-rooftop-kiss-scene

its literally exactly the same

THE LITTLE LIP BITE I CANT

its the small little nuances and facial expressions and tiny reactions and thoughts communicated on their faces

is nuances the right word to use there? idk, it's fine

LMAO IM-

WAIT SO THIS QUESTION IS POPPED AT THE START OF THE EPISODE??? DAMNNNNN

MAN HE'S GOT A WAY WITH WORDS

and I mean that genuinely

WEAR YOUR SEATBELT BITCH, WHAT THE HELL

WHY IS NEITHER OF THEM WEARING THEIR SEATBELT

GUYS

DRIVING IS DANGEROUS

ITS A HIGH-RISK ACTIVITY

AND YEAH MAYBE A TINY STRIP ACROSS YOUR TORSO DOESNT SEEM LIKE IT DOES MUCH, BUT IT'S STILL BLOODY IMPORTANT BECAUSE IT COULD BE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BONK AND A SPLATTER IF YOU CATCH MY MEANING

SEATBELTS ARE IMPORTANT FOLKS

WEAR THEM

Y E S

HE OPENED THE FRIKIN DOOR

LETS GOOOOOOOOOO

are we finally gonna get the scene ive seen in the end credits so many times and die every time I see it where they're lying in bed together and smiling at each other and ghkerbgjksdb

FUGWE9JOGSBNVPIWEKGNPIVWEKNMSDGPOVKNERIPKDNGPBIVKERVLNDPOGIKNVEPORILKSNDGPBVOIKERNMD-OFPSGKJBVEPS

OML THE HITTING ON HIM SAGA/MONTAGE

THESE PARTS ARE ALWAYS SOME OF MY FAVOURITES

AND THESE TWO GOT TO IT A LOT FASTER THAN MOST OF THE OTHERS IVE SEEN GEUIRJGBKSD

GOUEWBJDSG THE BLOW KISS

HE'S SO UNASHAMED

IM LOSING MY MIND

THIS IS EVERYTHING I COULDVE DREAMED FOR

HOLY FRICK I LOVE HIM

THIS IS AMAZING

IM SOBBING FROM HOW HARD IM LAUGHING

I CANT GET OVER "ill eat you then, because I like you" LIKE DAMN BRO THAT WAS SMOOTH AND MY MIDNIGHT BRAIN SOMEHOW DIDNT SEE THAT VERY OBVIOUS FLIRT SETUP COMING AND I LOST IT

HIS HAPPY LITTLE SMILE OMG I CANT

fR I C K

it's okay it's okay, she just has a bad hip, she's not gonna die I swear she's not gonna die

also can we just take a moment to honour the mesh shirt kang's wearing?

savour the moment a bit longer...

let the moment of appreciation last...

okay that is all thank you for joining me in worship

A L S O let's just think about this. im guessing grandma and dad and that nurse are all going to the hospital.

whICH MEANS the two gay-ass teenagers who are gay-ass specifically for EACH OTHER are gonna be home alone in a huge-ass mansion for a while

I wonder what they could possibly spend their time doing

what are you eating, sailom 👀

THE HAND RESTING ON HIS SHOULDER

BOYFRIEND BEHAVIOUR MAKES A COMEBACK

THE EYEBROWS-- I CANT

they're really channelling the patpran this episode

and im so happy about it

"just go straight" lmao good luck with that one buddy

breaking news: it comes as a shock to absolutely no one: quodekash has, once again, run out of images. a new post will be made for your enjoyment shortly (but it wont be posted for at least an hour because I cannot watch things at a normal pace and the post wont be posted until I either run out of images or finish the episode, whichever comes first)

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

Some of you have probably noticed that I havent made a liveblog post in a while. Well, thats because I usually read on the bus and during my classes and then I come home and summarize my thoughts on the 2-5 chapters I read after theyve marinated in my head for a little while, but unfortunately i appear to be incapacited at the moment so I cant do that. But because its been weeks and I dont wanna forget anything and I would very much like to finish this series soon, I'll try to read at home sometimes from now on. Since my brain is still a lil mush Im gonna do what I did for my last post, which is write down what Im thinking as Im reading instead of summarizing all my thoughts retroactively, except this time I have my german copy on hand so if I want to quote something it'll be a translation

Anyway, with all that said, welcome to my twisted mind, please enjoy my thoughts on A Court of Mist and Fury Chapters 40

Chapter 40

Ive been wanting to say this for a while now but i kept forgetting, but they translated 'winnowing' as 'den Wind spalten' ['splitting the wind'] and that is objectively so much cooler, shoutout to my gal Alexandra Ernst for that

Feyre being like "ugh, its so pathetic how these human guards think they could stand a chance against even one of us" hurts me so much you guys what have they done to my girl

Once again, its apparently perfectly fine if Rhysand doesnt tell Feyre anything "because she never asked" but if Tamlin doesnt tell her anything when she never asked hes the devil

Also once again, Feyre is perfectly not-triggered at Mor wearing a scarlet dress

Idk how to explain this, but Rhysand saying that Feyre is wearing a golden crown because "she looks so good with it, how could he not give her one" is somehow the perfect encapsulation of the hollowness of her High Lady title

Oh, of course three of the queens only showed up to watch the other two talk, itd be too hard to write dialogue if they actually participated in this important conversation

hello???? Feyre referring to humans as "your kind" ??? wth is going on

"every side bears some blame" hey rhysand ive got a question for ya. which side enslaved the other again

everytime the oldest queen does anything the prose feels the need to remind me of how old and wrinkly she is and its like, i get it, shes OLD

The oldest queen is spitting so hard rn, Im not even gonna question how they heard of the night court when Feyre, who lived closest to Prythian for many years, didnt know anything aout the individual courts prior to getting there herself, Im just gonna put her whole little monologue here: "Oh? [...] The High Lord of the Night Court asks that we join him so that we can save lives together? Fight for peace? And what about the lives that you have taken during your long, despicable existance? What about the High Lord who shrouds himself in darkness and destroys the mind of those who stand in his way? [...] We have heard of you on the continent, Rhysand. We have heard of what the Court of Night is capable of, what you do to your enemies. Peace? I wouldn't have thought that you - a man who enslaves the minds of others and kills them out of pure enjoyment - even know that word."

Anyway, she was spitting absolute bars and Feyre gets super mad about it and almost commits arson but manages to reign herself in and its like girlie, why are you so upset? one of the first things we find out about the night court in this book is that they apparently indiscriminately kill (or atleast torture) anyone who crosses the night court border without permission like theyre the fucking us government, i think the bad reputation is justified

Forgive me if I sound callous, but I have absolutely no sympathy for Rhysand flinching at the mention of Amarantha when Feyre didnt even use her name and is also talking about how she fucking DIED AT HER HANDS

God, I feel like I have something to say about every single line this post is gonna be like 10 thousand words long by the time Im done

So lets take it from the top; Feyre tries to convince the mortal queens to give them the half of the book by recounting to them how much everyone suffered under Amarantha and how she was gruesomely beaten to death and then revived, which is not a compelling argument to me, who actually witnessed all of that, much less these queens who have barely any context for anything shes saying right now

The oldest queen is like "you dont know anything about anything" which is true what the fuck does Feyre know about whats going on in the human world or even the fae world at large, and then Rhysand growls "dont you dare talk down to her!!" because shes passionate and speaking from the heart or whatever and its like, okay, shes still not good at politicking or even just basic negatioation and shes talking to a seasoned politician who old as fuck

Like, if Feyre was actually smart, she wouldve long since realized that she couldnt convince these queens to protect this little slip of land right up to prythians border and been like "okay, you dont wanna protect the land, but can you atleast organize an evacuation so you can atleast save the people" Sure, they definitely still wouldnt have agreed to that because its a sjm book and theyre written to be comically evil, but it would atleast demonstrate Feyre being a little savvy, because right now all we're getting is her being stupid and stubborn in a situation where she really cant afford that

god, im just now noticing how pissed off I am, its been bleeding into my commentary and its not gonna stop, Im sorry. wait no, if youre reading this youre probably looking for negativity, so youre welcome, actually

Anyway, Rhys also says that Feyre is a kindhearted soul looking out for people who cant defend themselves even though she definitely thought that those human guards were pathetic for wanting to defend themselves when she and the other fae were soooooo much more powerful and he definitely knows that because the mental bond is fully open during this meeting and he chastises the queens for being selfish and cowardly when its like, my brother in christ you are doing the exact same bullshit, but atleast the queens are defending a wholeass continent while hes defending one (1) city. and iirc that city ends up getting attacked and destroyed anyway so good job my guy

Theres something so oddly biblical about the story Mor is telling about Miriam, down to her name being Miriam

That island thats removed from time is such bullshit istg

Is it just me or have these bozos not actually explained what they even need the other half of the book for. theyre just like "we need to stop this war and we'd like peace between humans and fae" and its like cool, hows the book gonna help with that though

im sorry, feyre wants to punch that old woman in the face????

the chapter ends with Elain being like "I hope they burn in hell" and i get that, they just straight up said that they want to abandon a whole bunch of people (them included) to die if a war breaks out, but you cant say that the night court girlies are not also at fault for being so fucking bad at politics

[infiniteinoblivionn]

1- don’t worry darling, the chair, Hamilton

2- they’re white and hug my feet so nicely

3- I love smoothies

4- a dress. Which isn’t much different from what I usually wear but I’ll do my hair nice and put earrings on and maybe nicer shoes

5- scrambled. Very cooked. I’ll eat it…not scrambled (with a bagel or ramen), as long as the yolk is cooked.

6- I use anything around me as a bookmark

7- black. but I have lots of navy blue and army green too

8- nope

9- hmmm. rain came calm me down, but it also excites me. same with the smell

10- I’m a huge fan of lyrics

11- I wear contacts sadly (but only in one eye cuz my other eye is too far gone for contacts)

12- i love their loyalty and humor and bravery and fashion sense

13- write in pen, draw with pencil

14- hp world lol idk

15- no. I cant keep any plants alive

16- I wish I had a favorite hoodie. I run hot so I usually don’t wear long sleeves/jackets. But I do wish I had a really comfy oversized hoodie I could wear

17- fanx tickets

18- hmmmm. I can’t think of any rn that I’d like to experience but I do have many I’d like to observe as like a ghost lol

19- belle. easily.

20- good at no math

21- man idk the words exactly but I love 1800/1900s art. The paintings of people and landscapes. I love oil paintings

22- iced drinks always.

23- I don’t sing in the shower. But if I did it would be musicals probably

24- my eyesight isn’t great but I consider myself a timid, yet good driver.

25- I currently have 2 piercings!! (Or I guess 4 holes). I have tons of tattoos I wanna get when I have money, and I’d like to get a couple more piercings too.

26- I’ve just started actually cooking. I like it more than baking tbh. I wouldn’t say I’m good at anything specifically but I do make spaghetti a lot

27- I have lots. I have a keychain I bought in nyc, I have a Spotify keychain with the song “peace” by ts, I have foldable scissors, I have a “fuck the patriarchy” keychain, and I can’t remember anything else rn

28- I always thought I was a pretty strong swimmer but I don’t like swimming.

29- loved legos. I didn’t use the sets, I just used the regular blocks. I would build “houses” for my MLPs and I would build flowers and cars and whatever else my child brain thought up.

30- I currently don’t have a “closet”. I just have an armoire which isn’t the same imo😭 and it’s organized in the way that my shirts are hanging up

31- I usually don’t watch mvs so.. probably I Can See You by Taylor swift

32- maybe black or blue or strawberry blonde?

33- earbuds

34- duh, cant everyone 😭😭

35- I had this dolphin I got from my mom and I think her name was crystal and she had a specific place she’d sleep. But now it’s this winky emoji pillow that I “borrowed” from an old friend (his name is choji don’t judge me I don’t even like naruto)

36- uhhh air hockey maybe?

37- I prefer to be alone so I can sing and also I don’t like people watching me

38- I info dump on my friends all the time lol. So idk if they could recite anything but I’ve definitely told them lots about key points/dramatic moments

39- hanging out with my sisters

40- idk trees really but I like the white bark ones and weeping willows and pines

41- plain kind

42- lots of games. Rn my fav is Ludo Club

43- do people shower with the lights off?!?!?!

44- nerve use it unless it’s in my car and then I’ll use it for soda or smth

45- usually

46- uhhh bodycandy.Com if that counts

47- I hate walking. Much rather bike or scooter or anything

48- I like these one..floral? plates and the white bowls

49- listen to music and dramatically walk in the rain. or just watch it

50- very cold. lots of blankets.

50 Questions Just Because

What are three shows in your watchlist that you’ve been meaning to get to?

Describe your favorite pair of socks

Do you like smoothies?

What do you wear when you have to dress nicely?

How do you like your eggs?

What do you use to keep your place when you’re reading a book?

What color dominates your closet?

Do you collect anything? If so, what?

What sounds or scents calm you down?

What’s your favorite kind of uquiz question? (Lyric, color, aesthetic, etc)

Do you wear glasses or contacts?

What’s something about your best friend that you love?

Do you prefer to write in pen or pencil?

What are some places where you feel most at home?

Do you have any houseplants? Do any of them have names?

Describe your favorite hoodie. How long have you had it? What makes it unique?

What’s the last thing you ordered online?

What’s one historical event that you would have liked to have witnessed?

What’s your favorite Halloween costume from when you were a kid?

What kind of math are you best at?

What’s your favorite period in art history, your favorite famous work and/or your favorite style of art? If you don’t know any that’s ok!

Iced or hot drinks?

Which songs do you like to sing in the shower?

Are you a good driver?

Do you have any piercings or tattoos? Are there any that you want?

Can you cook or bake? If so, what are some of your specialties?

Do you have any keychains on your home or car keys? Describe them!

Can you swim very well? Do you like swimming?

Did you play with Legos as a kid? What was your favorite set?

Is your closet organized? If so, how?

What’s the last music video you watched?

If you could dye your hair any color, regardless of how you think it would look, what color would you choose?

Headphones or earbuds?

Can you read analog clocks?

Describe your favorite stuffed animal, either now or from when you were a kid.

What’s an arcade or table game (air hockey, ping pong, etc) that you’re really good at?

Do you mind if others are in the kitchen when you’re cooking or baking?

What’s one show you watch or musician you listen to that your friends know nothing about?

What was the best part of your day today?

What’s your favorite kind of tree?

What scent is your deodorant?

Do you have any games on your phone? If so, which one(s) is/are your favorite?

Do you shower with the lights on or off?

What do you do with spare change?

Do you have good handwriting?

What’s the last thing a friend recommended to you that you looked into and actually liked?

Do you like to go on walks?

Do you have a favorite plate or bowl?

What’s your favorite thing to do when it’s raining?

Describe your perfect sleeping conditions

[wickedpact]

It's my first day of period and I'm feeling light-headed/woozy. So instead of being productive, I'm thinking of Joe-and-Nicky. Mainly, their sleeping position lol. In thimking about when/how they got to and agreement to sleep in that position ie Joe Big spoon and nicky lil spoon/knife... Is it because a)they just really like it or b)they got killed many times (>>> #times they killed each other) if they slept differently c)some other dumb reason or d) a combination of all of the above. Kthnxbye

[PUTS ON READING GLASSES] [CRACKS KNUCKLES]

listen im ALWAYS thinking about the snuggles. ALWAYS. 24/7 snuggles zone in my brain

bc like????? its spooning???? and they do it every night?? even when theyre sleeping on the train?? full body 100% contact cuddle-snuggles, all night every night??? (excluding probable nights where they dont snuggle/snuggle otherwise)

look, theyre in JEANS and joe’s got a leg between nicky’s, you cant tell me that thats actually comfortable irl, and yet there they are, full cuddles, legs tangled, while wearing jeans. theyre cuddling Experts

(which also raises the side note that like. as far as varying cuddling positions go, spooning is rather high-risk for awkward boner situations. like whats joe supposed to do in that situation. book and nile and andy are Right There its not like he can actually do anything about it. does the rectory have a bathroom. anyways.)

despite all the obvious drawbacks, This is how they sleep. This is how they choose to sleep every night of their 900 year lives. This is what they find comfiest. its just [chefs kiss]

LOOMK AT THEM

now i have so many thoughts re: How Is Started bc like...... how Did it start tho.

Thoughts:

1. i know that Ye Olde Toxic Masculinity looked a bit different in the 1000s, and i.... think i read somewhere on tunglr that it was considered ‘normal’ around the time for dudes to snuggle but dont take my word on that. so i like the idea that it started with them just. platonically snuggling In The Way That Dudefriends Just Do and it kind of snowballed from there

[♪ 2 dudes, cuddling on a sleeping mat, 0 feet apart bc theyre gay but neither of them have actually told the other and they both think their feelings are unrequited ♪]

2. alternatively ik it can get pretty damn cold in desert-y areas at night so. cuddling for warmth............................................................ ‘platonically’

3.

nicky: how come every time we go to bed we start out back-to-back and we wake up spooning? this is ridiculous

joe, who has nightmares in the middle of the night and keeps waking up scared and wanting to Hold something: haha yeah weird

4. you ever think abt how when nicky just broadcasts I Want To Be Held vibes

idk the man hugs like this

and smth abt him in this scene just broadcasts ‘wanna be held’ vibes 2 me. idk. maybe i just wanna hold him

but you know that meme/joke thats like ‘punch me in the face’ ‘you want me to punch you in the face?’ ‘thats what i said!’ ‘yeah but thats what i usually hear when you speak, its just normally subtext’  ?

That, but with ‘i want you to hold me’ instead of ‘i want you to punch me’ & with joe and nicky

5. nicky getting killed in some particularly gruesome way and afterwards joe is like 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 and cant sleep bc hes Worried and nicky is like ‘..do you want to just sleep over here with m--’ and joe practically breaks an ankle trying to scramble over asap

6. ‘theres only one bed’ but theyre both such sweethearts they both INSIST the other take the bed, so in an attempt to out-stubborn the other, they both end up sleeping on the floor (and also somehow end up cuddling by morning)

7. joe and nicky fall asleep facing each other Once and it ends with the two of them skewered on the same bandit’s sword and unable to pull it out and after nicky is just like [breathes in] Next Time We’re Both Facing The Same Direction

8. joe and nicky being separated in the night somehow (maybe nicky woke up and wandered off and got jumped for whatever reason?) and joe being like ‘[rolls up sleeves] NOBODY CAN TAKE NICKY AWAY IF I WRAP ALL OF MY LIMBS AROUND HIM AND HOLD ON ALL NIGHT LONG’ and weirdly enough, hey it works

[wizkiddx]

heyheyhey idk if u do req but love your dad tom stuff! PLZ PLZ do tom helping his kids with homework but cant do it and reader has to help and its all fluffy 😩💕

ye im down to do req and this had me going completely ott cos its v cute (and a lot less angsty than what ive written recently aha) so apologies for my ramblings:

Summary: tom has the kids for a day and maths homework throws a spanner in the works - tomhollandxreader

implied smut + v slight reference to porn but basically just fluff I promise xox

\\\\\\\\\\\\///////////

Tom had dealt with a lot of whining today. Nova and Leo were the absolute joys of his life, there was no doubt about it. Of course, he also loved you a hell of a lot too - sometimes to his detriment though, hence the position he was in now. 

You’d had a busy week at work and he had been away for the first half of it - leaving you as an almost single mother to a 5 and a 7 year old. So completely fairly, you’d asked if he wouldn’t mind watching the kids for a the day on Sunday, allowing you to go to a friends baby shower. There was no answer but to agree, Tom loved quality time with the kids and he wanted you to kick back and relax with you friends too. 

However the afternoon had not been nearly as idealistic as it were supposed to be in his head. You had left him only one real job (apart from the unavoidable essentials of keeping the kids alive with food and water, something you’d hope he need not be reminded about now). Really it shouldn’t of been that hard, it was just each kid had two pieces of homework. After convincing and cajoling the kids into sitting at the table which he’d already set up with Nova’s ‘Liverpool FC’ and Leo’s ‘captain marvels’ pencil case, the English was easy. 

In fact 5 year old Leo took great joy out of writing a poem with his Dad, which basically involved trying to rhyme any word with another - especially when he tried to convince Tom that all his completely fictitious words were real and worked together. A personal favourite had been ‘snakes’ and ‘palakes’ which Leo was convinced meant pancakes - arguing so vehemently Tom almost started to doubt himself on basic English. 

Thankfully though his eldest and most sensibly child eventually took him out his misery. If anyone had any control over the Holland boys, Leo and Tom - it was the Holland girls. You and Nova had both boys completely under you spell, often taking advantage of the fact too. It was only when Nova got bored of hearing Tom and Leo mock arguing, interspersed with the little boys giggles that Tom tried his absolute hardest to keep a straight face at, that she swooped in.

“Stop being silly Leo, mummy told you he’s not good at school!” She looked oh so innocent, eyes immediately flicking down to continue the little short story she was happily going on with. In response  Tom scowled, knowing your highly curious and intelligent daughter had asked you (for one reason or another) why he was not so academic. Yet instead of Leo bursting out laughing, instead he just nodded and accepted it too - making Tom scowl even more. Not even Leo thought it was a joke. 

So apart from his children apparently taking pity on his simple mind, it was all going smoothly. Perhaps, due to the thankful fact your children had inherited their brains from their mother - something Tom was forever thankful for, until he was shamed for his substandard intellect in the family. Then again though, he was Spiderman. So take that. 

Until Nova brought out her maths sheet. Then the afternoon quickly descended into chaos. It was fractions, something she hadn’t quite grasped from school yet - a concept that still hurt her head somewhat. Normally though it’d be fine, she’d bring the sheet to you and the two of you used ‘ girl power’ to figure it out… you prior experience as a tutor while in uni helping you know how to break through to her. 

Unfortunately Tom didn’t share this same experience. Nor did Tom share a maths qualification… something that had evaded him completely during his schooling career. Of course, it had never been a particular issue, acting didn’t require the use of maths and algebra and Tom was in a very lucky position of being able to pay someone to manage his finances from a very young age. So no, dividing 2/3 and 3/7 didn’t come the most naturally to him. Or at all to be quite honest. 

“I CANT DO IT AND GRACE IN MY CLASS COULD!” For context, Grace was one of her school friends, who forever liked to compare herself to the young Holland - especially because she was normally ahead. Nova had gone from quiet frustration, staring at the questions with her tongue sticking out slightly, to one of pure rage - yelling at her dad with tears in her eyes. Nova was normally incredibly intuitive, she always found it difficult when she couldn’t do something. Now, with a ‘teacher’ who was more useless than her - the frustrations inevitably bubbled over. 

“Hey, we can work it out, just calm-“

“YOU CANT DO IT EITHER YOUR STUPID “ She was just young and frustrated, Tom tried not to take it personally but … it wasn’t always easy. Chiefly because this was the height of offensive statement Nova knew - this was her version of adult explicit language. 

“Nova you can’t be rude.” He used his stern voice, something Tom very rarely used with his little girl. Though he never wanted to upset her, neither did he want her to think it was ever okay to be so rude to anyone like that- no matter how crappy at maths they were. It hurt him to do so but it was necessary - life lessons about the importance of being kind needed to be learnt. And it worked… if what Tom was aiming for was his beautiful baby girl’s eyes to brim with sparkling tears, her bottom lip quivering slightly. 

Instantly Tom’s eyebrows drooped, trying to fight his natural reaction to scoop her onto his knee and reassure her everything was okay. But as you had lectured him many a time before, he had to put his foot down once in a while. So instead, the father and daughter were locked in a silence and intense eye contact, until Nova hesitantly began to speak. 

“I’m sorry Daddy.” During which, Nova shoved her chair back, making it screech against the tiled floors uglily before running off up the stairs. Tom knew she was crying a lot. Knew this was going to take a bit of fixing. 

With a sigh of his daughters name, Tom popped his head into the living to check on Leo who had already finished all his stuff. Seeing him completely zombified in front of ‘paw patrol’ on TV, Tom trudged up the stairs. He knew where she was, when Nova was upset she always hid in the corner of her wardrobe and cried in the darkness. So after steadying himself with a little internal monologue of how to approach the situation Tom walked in and sat down beside the wardrobe - knocking on the door slightly. 

“Nova… can we talk please?” All he heard was sniffing echoing from the wooden chamber until she tried to shout through the door.

“Go-go… go away daddy.” It broke his heart, the way her voice wavered, making Tom pout - gently letting his head fall against the wardrobe doors. 

“I don’t want you to be upset beautiful…. And you did apologise which I appreciate. You know why Daddy got angry right?” Her sniffles heightened before she muttered a quiet ‘yes’. “And you are sorry? Because that might’ve made me really sad too.”

“I’m s-s-sorry, I didn’t mean it.”

“Then that’s good and we don’t need to cry. You want a cuddle little one?” Before Tom could even properly get up the door was being pushed open by her little hands, revealing a tear stained face and big glassy eyes looking up at her Dad. Swiftly Tom scooped her up and out of the cupboard, whispering to her while she buried her face in his chest. 

“Oh come here my little bean.”

//////////////////////

When you came home late that evening, only mildly exhausted from spending the whole day gossiping with your girls, it was weirdly quiet. All the lights were out in the front room, which made you close the door gently, thinking Tom had managed to exhaust the kids - and himself in the process. With a relieved sigh at the peace you pattered into the kitchen to get yourself a drink (it had been a little concern that Tom would’ve worked the kids into a hyperactive and delerious state that kept them up long past bedtime - which ultimately you’d have to deal with). The house was remarkably silent and though it was clear from the littered toys everywhere that it had indeed been Tom alone in charge, everything seemed pretty okay. 

It was only as you were about to head upstairs to join your hubby in bed that you realised the study light was still on, streaming through the small crack in the doorframe. Assuming Tom had just neglected to turn it off, in otherwords Tom being Tom, you nudged it open with your hand. Surprisingly though, there was your husband, hunched over the desk, looking almost angrily focused - between the computer screen and a piece of paper below him. Normally you would’ve just assumed it was another script sent over or an edit Harry had sent of another screenplay they were writing together. 

But no, the blatant red flag was the screen that you could see. A screen on YouTube, of a man pointing at a whiteboard of fractions. 

So with a soft wrist you wrapped your knuckled on the side of the door, even if you had technically already entered the room. The reaction had you stifling a laugh, it was as if you’d caught him watching something *less PG* the way he jumped out his seat, closing the browser immediately. 

“Love!! I -er … didn’t know you’d got back?”

“I just did.” You smiled gently, while walking into stand behind his chair, wrapping your arms round his neck and pressing a kiss to his jaw. “Soooo…. what’ca doingggg” The glee in your voice was evident, making Tom groan and shut his eyes. 

“I hate you, you know that right?” 

“No you don’t… but you were watching a primary school video on fractions, if I’m not so mistaken?” He sighed deeply, making a point of turning the paper with his scribbles over to obscure it. 

“Nova’s homework.. she couldn’t do it and neither could I, so then she basically screamed at me for being thick and udseless and then had a breakdown.” 

Now you felt guilty. This was a bit of a sore spot with Tom, he always for some reason felt inferior because of his academic ability. Which was stupid- mainly because he was the most clever and talented man you’d ever met. Just…. Just not at fraction. 

“Oh T… you could’ve just left it for me to do with her, I don’t mind.”

“That’s not the point Y/n.” He snapped a little, shrugging your arms off him and spinning in the chair so he could face you. “She’s my daughter and I should be able to help her! It’s not like it’s that hard, it’s just I’m unbelievable thick.”

“Tom stop. Look - you can do this I assure you, it’s just been a long old time ‘kay? Your rusty and that’s only natural.”

“I really don’t think I could ev-“

“Can I teach you? It’s just the method and then I promise you’ll get it.”

It took a bit of persuasion but eventually Tom agreed, letting you pull the corner chair forward to beside his desk so you could demonstrate it to him. To be fair, he really could do it- just a bit of familiarising on the ‘stick-change-flip’ method. The way the lightbulb moment literally caused his face to light up; scurrying to do the question for himself, tongue sticking out in the process; then presenting it to you proudly - well it had you melting in your seat. 

“See! That took all of 5 minutes and you got it.” You elbowed  his side by leaning forward in the chair, which instead of letting go, Tom reached and caught, before pulling you up and round. You landed with you bum perched on the edge of the mahogany desk, Tom now stood up- his legs in-between your parted thighs - your feet hooking round the back of knees. 

“It’s all down to my incredibly talented teacher.”

“No…. No I really don’t think it is” You mused with a soft voice, fingers instinctively going to the nape of his neck - twirling the little curls round your fingertips. 

“Well even so… I think I could teach you a thing or two too.” Never one to mull on anything, Tom’s tone had immediately switched to something a lot more… mischievous. 

“Not even going to ask about my day? Wheres the chat mr smooth?” He had to repress the grin at your smirk because as much as you infuriated the hell out of him - you also had this weird ability of making him feel so entranced and helpless. He relented with a sarcastic chime.

“Fine, how was your day love.”

“Good…. but I have a feeling you’re about to make it a whole lot better.”

That was all the signals he needed to lean forward, in doing so forcing you back until your back landed completely on the cool wood. His lips feathered yours, both hands pinned either side of your head.

“Oh darling… you have no idea.”

[goddessjynx]

Any parent please answer?

Idk if anyone will see this, but right now I need just anyone to tell me I'm not crazy.

Am I a bad friend for wanting to hang out with my ex-bestie (eb for short) while she has her kids or she's busy and can't hang, so I offer to come over, to help watch, to help clean? Anything just to be there for her, why? Oh because she was on her third child, at this time I literally went over to her house to play dnd with her husband and brother and her sometimes. So I would try and say "hi" or talk, but instead we stayed doing something else or barely said hi. Ok, fine, hormones, got it. It got to the point of she wouldn't want to hang out with me for reasons she stopped telling me decent sounding excuses. Fine, That's fine, I have other friends who I can hang with or find other things to stay inside and not get out of the house to do. I don't need to leave the house, to get away from the suffocating inside the house with a mentally and verbally abusive, controlling husband. That's. Just. Fine.

So you know, time goes on. we find out that the reason she won't hang out with me, but will hang out with the other girl who she hates (Mind you the other chick literally broke into their house, tried to start drama all the time, and be hazardous to her already two children But who am I to judge about the person you rant to me about how you hate them so much?) But the other chick was also pregnant after divorcing her wife. It's honestly such a mess. So "anyways, I get excluded now because I "Don't understand what she's going through" or "I won't have the same experience" or I'm "not a good source of help" Lol, Okay? I still can't help? Be happy for you? Cool. So things go on, and just things have gotten worse on my end. I'm over here with such a mind debilitating baby fever, that I'm having to pull my car over watching children get off the school bus because I'm in such a crying fit that I can't breathe or see straight. So who the hell would I go to about what do I do? My Bestie right? (There's a reason we are eb rn) I tell her, well try, Idk how much she actually listened. But I tell her how I just can't think about anything else right now. I did everything right, and the world keeps slapping me back.

I own a 4 bedroom house. we have two cars, we even have decently everything working out in our favor, But all of a sudden, I'm not good enough for anyone. My own husband two months after getting married said he hasn't found me attractive for the last two years. THAnks. That's a real boost. This didn't start the fights, but that's a whole other set of rants. about a year before my eb got pregnant, around or right before July 4th, I strictly remember, I was in the walmart fucking bathroom. I had felt so sick the weeks beforehand. Like, My menstrual cycle hates me. She's savage af. Not to mention she likes to disappear randomly and appear with just cramps or a whole flood. I never know. But I remember calling my husband in a panic because I don't know what to do while I had to go to the bathroom so bad it hurt, and all I have is half dollar sized clots. Just something my medical brain, and senior year of AP biology says, "Fuck!" I have him figure something out because I'm really needing someone to just hold me in the bathroom I feel so sick to my stomach. I'm dizzy and all these symptoms I tell him to tell the doctor or whoever he calls.. So he calls, they say whatever to him. I don't either remember or he never told me what they said, (this is a normal of hiding information from me, A LOT) They said (What he told me) to just wipe things up and clean up then if it persists in the next 24 hours to go into the hospital. But I will have to see an ob-gyn.

So, Okay. Nothing bad. but they are in charge of everything along those lines. But those were including two words, that I now know were the two words this man didn't want to hear despite, DESPITE all the teasing and jokes about having kids with me when I was younger with him and literally just dating. That was because I had to see a family planning doctor. I was told by HIM that it was nothing, and we will be fine. I just blamed it on my cramps that are horrible and never put thought to it because I had believed that's what he was told. So that's a trauma my brain locked away until recently as I'm going through my divorce right now. But, I was thinking about how shortly after that, I got a call from my eb about how they were all waiting on me because I'm making us late for bringing stuff to the grill out and bonfire later. Fine, mask all the pain and keep fucking going. right?

She seemed genuinely not worried, saying it was probably just a bad cycle. She gets them all the time too. Its whatever. My now bestie's sister has gone through the same thing I described multiple times, enough that she looked at me and was like, "No, You possibly miscarried." even her mom went on about, "they should've never NEVER brushed that off like they did. If they cared then they would've made sure you were ok. My husband denied me from going to the doctor to see anything about it. Even after when I knew my hormones and emotions were just soooo off. But that's in my mind now, when before maybe around the same time my eb came out saying to all of us even her own husband one time saying she's been feeling crummy because she went in and she found out she had miscarried. It was so short after my stuff that she disregarded then took and made attention for herself that upset her own husband because she never told him until she told a bunch of us at a bar. I mean I felt bad for her, but Now thinking back, my gut says it was a ploy to make her husband to feel bad for her and to try for another one. Where as I'm over here waiting patiently because I jumped through Hoops to get where I'm at now.

My husband promised me children. Lots, its a fucking dream to be a mum. I care for everyone else, and their kids, why not have some kind of mini me to show of what I did. That I did good. That I can be useful to this world too. That I'm not just a lump of no good nothing to this world. But first, he needed a better paying job than a gas station.

Did that, he worked at a metal parts production place. But we then gave the fact that we still live in the apartment I got after moving out from high school. We rented a house. It worked, and it was nice. But now he needs a car, but he cant do that until he learns how to drive. 3 years older than me and I taught him how to drive. AND I helped him buy his first car, a truck. Oh but now, we still can't start a family. We are only renting. I have enough good credit that I could get a house alone, but I needed a higher pay. Bam with his income together we got a house.

Bam, I'm hit with baby fever and what not. NOW I get told, we aren't ready for anything like that yet, so wait two years. Alright, I'll wait. I can do that. We were going to go on trips together and do many things together and all of a sudden, the walmart thing happened, and it just got worse from there. It got to a point I got a job paying BETTER than him and I was the laughing stock to him and his buddies. THANKS. But I'm fine, everything is fine. The walmart thing was about two years after, so I mean, it was actually in the time frame and whatnot. Things just kept going on getting worse at home, I just kept listening. For reasons, I had to quit my high paying job, and then everything got absolutely horrible at home. Had to put everything I had control over money wise into his account for he worried it would take too long to find an new job and make money to suffice for bills. It was argument after argument, but I went to my eb explaining things, asking what the hell do I do? Her advice? To just do what he wants. The thing I had to quit about? She basically never cared about it. Everything just went on being a mess. I went on just letting people walk over me because that was the advice I was given.

I voiced my feelings that I have been following lies and how I feel hurt that I'm told dreams and having them be taken away. We never went on trips much. Instead we would buy a crap ton of ammo or new guns that I'm not allowed to use, yet I'm helping fund so you can get them, but when it was my own that I BOUGHT, all of a sudden, my things went missing and he would be out using and letting his buddies use my new guns and using up the ammo I had purchased on my own. I mean, fine, but let me at LEAST take yours out if you're going to use mine without asking. It got to be so annoying that we would be asked when we would get married or when we would have kids. He would be hugging me and smiling all cocky saying "Oh well we haven't stopped trying." every time. He would start that tell people this and I finally had enough. I stopped him and told him to put his money where his mouth was. He always said shit but never actually did it or acted on what he said. He would just lie to everyone. Tell people lies because it sounded nice. Best part? I had bought a ring for him. I proposed to him because he would joke about things like that. So I basically said, "bet" and did it. I have never received a damn ring! He wouldn't even want to look at them with me. Because they were expensive. Not all of them are. I don't care what price it is, but something to say, "Hey, I love you and Don't want the odd peeps at the bar to keep hitting on you so take this with you, its dangerous out there." (Shut up. I'm a nerd) But like.... I just would make notions about, I wanted a ring. He would beg me to pool together money and buy new guns, I mean I"m not against, but I would bring up that I will want a ring. Or even something else would be you know, amazing right now because I'm in a lost place wanting kids still and my eb just announced they were having their third. (which her own family was so upset about it that they ranted to me and my mom, her own brother said that its just another kid that they will end up taking care of instead of her so she can go to the bars again. Yep) So next we talked about getting a gun safe because, before we can have kids, we need to be SAFE. Ight, we bought it. Nice matte black 33 capacity, fire and water proof, best part the front had a reallly pretty engraved waving American flag imprinted on it. It was just so smooth. (Guess who has that right now btw) So oddly enough in the middle of me not being enough for my eb, My cycle kind of returned to being semi regular, and all of a sudden disappeared. Well that whole month beforehand we went from never wanting to touch me unless it was my birthday to every night he was angry after work and took it out on me instead. I mean, whatever. But when it came to me not feeling well, I told him.

Instantly it wasn't mine. I was fooling with other guys. Like instant psycho. His childhood friend came and moved up with us, she saw this for a good few months and had to move out because he was trying to control her as if she were a child. She told me that it was not right for him to be that way and that she will never talk to him for how he treated her. (which was exactly how he was always with me too) I'm not sure if he was trying to get my jealous because his bff was a girl? Idk we worked out like literally sisters. Sooo much in common and she told me, She believes he's never wanted kids. And she watched how I broke down after he told me he wanted nothing to do with me until I took a test. He DEMANDED that I took a test right away. If it was positive, it wasn't his until proven so. And if it was negative he would be fine. this was ridiculous. He wasn't at all happy or excited. Purely upset. I felt so shitty that after the test was negative I told him and he threatened about it happening again he was leaving back to Kansas. He threatened this every damn fight, it got to the point that I gave up, I said leave then. And instantly he shut up. I got him out of gangs, crime, jail, living on the street or with his mum, and being a maaajor drug addict. Yet I'M THE BAD PERSON.

Back to recently when my eb is getting closer to having her kid, I just go through finding out I'm not and my husband is freaking out at me, nonstop yelling at me that I'm not good enough and all this shit. Yes, lil ol me trying to keep the peace in the house is a cunt and a whore. Wow. Name calling, but hitting where it hurts? I told him before, how my mother in an argument said I would be a horrible mother. And that shit sticks. IT STICKS. So what does the smart ass pull out? He repeats it. He says he's glad I'm not pregnant because I'd be a horrible mother in the end.

That. That just kills a person. That kills dreams and the feeling of wanting to keep living. Who the FUCK says that to their partner? Am I wrong for thinking that's not right? Well my eb thought I was. I told her my feelings. How I don't want to be jealous of her, but I am. That she's more beautiful, she's always had guys hitting on her in school inviting her to do things and hang out, I was the nerd in whatever class that got invited only if it was mandatory. She will be having three kids and a loving husband that can never take his hands or eyes from her, where as I have to act like a clown to get my husband to look up from his damn phone. To say something nice. To

be acknowledged while in the house. I've left and came back the next morning because I hung out at my now besties house. He didn't say a word until I came home the next morning and he looked at me like "when the fuck did you leave" No care, no love. I was stuck being a burden. Anything I ever did around the house was in vain. Everything I helped with I got shoved away because I didn't do it right. EVERYTHING I did was not good enough. I would tell him this that is how I felt and he would deny it. One day, I caught him yelling at me saying that what I did wasn't ever good enough. Calle him out right away. Bitch... He tried to change the wording to go around what he said. I HEARD IT. it was so bad I had to have my bestie on the phone to listen to how he talked to me behind closed doors. Away from public view. HER MOM HEARD IT. Thought she was watching some kind of dramatic show, until she realized it was me on the phone. She's listened to so many calls its unheard of. There was a day, I had enough of it. (Ok A lot actually) but I grabbed my laptop and my charger and left the house. I sat in the park drawing on my laptop. Texted every person I could think of that I cared so deeply for that they would care for me back. I was in a dark ass place asking for Advice. My eb shrugged off what my husband was doing and scolded me for leaving. For sitting in a park drawing out my feelings instead of being with him because he's being dramatic to her husband upset that I started an argument. I didn't understand what I started when it was over me telling him not to throw the controller when he loses a COD game because that's how it breaks. Why he threw it? Because I distracted him by playing with my cat while he was playing the damn game and made him lose! yep. Exactly that. So I was yelled at to quit. So I did. I went back to my drawing and then with my headphones on I was humming to my music. It distracted him and he lost. So I flipped out because I can't do anything in my own house without being scolded for it. So I stormed off to the bedroom to draw some more. I'm upstairs and away from him. Didn't want to eat now I'm stressed and upset. So I didn't cook anything and now he's hungry and upset at me for not making food yet. YES. That's how it started and I again was the bad person in the story for safely removing myself from an environment where all my mind was telling me to do was dark things that hurt to say. To give up on everything I have worked for and all my dreams.

That was the last time I spoke to her for a while because everything started to be only about baby and about doing this for baby. Doing that for baby. But then she would never answer me back. I was done trying to fit time to hang out. To do something, I made new friends who didn't have kids and hung out more with them. It got horrible. the sound of a child crying made my stomach hurt. I had non stop dreams of the same thing happening. It was just awful. I looked it up and it was just meaning I had something and lost it. Whatever is missing in the dream what what I had lost.

In this dream I was dressed in all black, lace and long dress covering every inch of skin on my body. I had a hat with a veil and I was rocking a bundle in my arms in an old decrepit room with peeling paint and broken toys. It was a nursery. An old ruined nursery. I was rocking just a black blanket swaddled with a hole that emptied to the void. It gives me chills, I get this dream so much that me explaining just makes my skin crawl and my body ache. It hurts to think of but I just cannot understand it. Makes sense now that I looked into it.

But me going through all of this, I can't talk to my husband about my feelings because I'm too needy and being selfish for not taking his feelings into an account. That he's not ready that we are not ready and that I'm not ready because I'm going to be a horrible mom. Cool.

I have tried so much. I couldn't be around kids. It made me so sick and I jus would have to find somewhere to hide and cry for hours. I would cry myself to sleep. Never getting comfort by him because I'm throwing a pity party. I was so hurt. Still am. I'm broken hearted. Thinking that if I had a kid, at least I would have something that needed me and would love the care I gave and would love me back. I wanted to feel loved for how much I put out in the world. I wanted to have something to ground me to this world before I did something stupid. I was in such a dark place that I drove an hour to go see my bestie because I was scared that I was going to do it. That I was going to be the big disappointment he told me I would always be. Three months later, baby is here and I go back to playing dnd with my friends and its at their house. My husband is rubbing it in my face. He's holding baby and talking to baby and doing all these things making my mind break. He asks if I want to hold her. If i if iififififi NO.

I can't I cannot. I'm trying to be respectful. I missed out on other games because I had to hype myself up. I procrastinated because I didn't know how I would be or if I could handle it. I got to the point that my eb's husband told me that he doesn't want me playing anymore because I sent a text trying to apologize to my now eb that I feel so bad but I can't see her right now since seeing her kids just sends me into a panic attack and I can't stop thinking horrible things. So she takes that as I have a problem with HER kids and not just the KIDS situation. Doesn't hear me out. blames me for everything and has me banned from coming over. in which her husband says he doesn't want me over anymore. Which my rebuttal is because she's telling him only. But he said it was his choice. I don't know don't care. It just hurt that THATS the reason I got kicked out. Not because I was good, but that I couldn't handle their kids. And I would not pay attention by drawing the whole time. I was distracting myself because I'm trying to drown out the noises of cooing making my gut rot and my mouth dry. So by all means I'm selfish for wanting a dream that I was being promised for the last 6 years of physically being with my soon to be ex. I've know for actually 12 years. And that I drove 15 hours to bring you to me since you couldn't drive.

So I need to know from real parents, was I out of line for telling my eb that I had feelings and that them not being heard or just cast to the side hurt? Am I crazy for feeling that I've been robbed? For being upset when my husband comes home drunk and abuses me? For being hurt when I'm called all sorts of names and told I'm worthless by the man I should trust the most? Please. I need to know.

I know I'm ranting, but I need to get it out. I need to find some sort of something to figure out why I'm feeling this way, or why I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm fighting for the divorce since i haven't been to my owned house in the last 5 months since he changed the locks on me. I moved an hour away from my home and my family and still to this day, I hurt to hear or watch children around me. I'm happy, but inside something aches and just feels empty. Not to mention that I got told by people that know me that he's been caught buying condoms. We are still technically married, and he can't be doing those things right now. Am I jealous? Upset? Hurt? All of the above? It just sucks and I'm drowning in debt a bit trying to work my ass off to get where I want in life again since all of everything has been ripped from me. I'm trying. Please let me know if I'm crazy or out of line? I want to be heard. I'm going to start to save up. I have a plan for my 27th birthday. If it doesn't work in time for my 28th birthday, I'm not sure what else I can do but join the 27 club.

[starswornoaths]

To Know Me

This might turn into an AU someday. idk. have Mermaid, the bonus day for wolmeric week, several days after wolmeric week ended, as is on brand of me

Thirty years ago, Ishgard plummeted into the sea. Everyone thought the inhabitants had died.

And then they sent a dignitary to honor the Eorzean Alliance...who also happens to be Serella’s childhood friend, whom she had not seen in decades.

word count: 2,705

Despite having nary a single memory in her childhood that didn’t have Aymeric in it, it was hard to stand at the princely dignitary’s side, after fifteen years, and not feel as though she beheld a complete stranger. For a surety, Serella could see the selfsame image of the mysterious boy by the river she had played with as a child in the visage of the man that now led her gently through the old roads that once led to Ishgard, half reclaimed by nature by now. And yet, even when pressed to explain what she had known about that very same boy, even at the time, she found all of her answers came up far short of satisfactory. Even to her. 

In many ways, especially to her.

He seemed to sense her inner turmoil; for all his secrecy in all the years she had known him, he had an almost preternatural sense for what was on her mind.

“Something weighs on you.” Aymeric noted softly. 

In spite of herself, Serella winced. “Many things weigh on me these days. Warrior of Light business, and all.”

“I could only begin to fathom. But that is not what I mean.”

Electing to study her over elaborating further, he canted his head to better peer into her eyes when she glanced away.

Agitation sparked in her chest. He used to do this when they were children, for gods’ sakes. When she would be upset for whatever childish thing had upset her during play, he would wait patiently, not looking away from her, until she finally felt like she were about to burst, and told him what was bothering her. It had always worked, back when she had nothing to worry about but why he was always so cold when he would come out to play with her and Uthengentle. 

 And again when she snapped her head back to remind him,“We’re not children anymore, you know.”

He seemed unphased, but nodded as if that had decided something for him. “Of course not,” he agreed, and turned his attention back to the road, as she did. “I only hope, in time, you might come to open up to me about—”

“You haven’t.” Serella cut him off before she could stop herself, adamantly not looking at him again.

The sound of his footfalls was always a little heavy— even as children, it felt like he never fully knew the strength of his own legs— so it was immediately obvious when he stopped walking. She stopped walking to turn toward him, and immediately regretted doing so when she saw the flash of pain that crossed his face.

“I have not been...as forthcoming as I might have—”

Ever the diplomat. Something about the tone his voice had taken; that same, cordial tone he had taken with the Alliance at their first meeting. It had that same cautious edge to it, like he were testing out a verbal minefield trying not to trip something that could blow up in his face. It needled at the newly agitated wound she had thought long healed: that for all she owed this man, for how he had saved her village when they were children, even as her dearest friend growing up, even then, he had been as a ghost. Haunting her, long after he had disappeared into the river by their house.

Through the frustration in the moment, an ugly truth pushed itself passed her teeth before she could bite down on it. 

“I thought you dead!” 

Whatever neutral expression Aymeric had been maintaining was gone— he watched her with wide eyes and parted lips, and though the expression might seem slight on anyone else, he looked downright shocked to her.

“You just— it was so sudden,” Serella said miserably, still focusing on the foliage-hemmed cliffs overlooking the sea. “Those animals would have destroyed my village, and gods know how many of us would have died in the process, but you...you spoke to them so strangely...almost like you were singing, and then they left! But—”

“I said I had wanted you to know me.” He supplied, his eyes clouded over in somber remembrance. “You were bleeding so badly— I—”

Swallowing thickly, she nodded hastily, and when he took a moment to clear his throat, she said, “I know. You just vanished into the river so quickly, and after...it was as if you were never there at all. I can’t fault you for needing to leave that day. I can’t even fault you for staying away for a while, but—but at least a letter, something to tell me you were alright— I mourned you for years—”

They had maintained a professional, respectable distance, from the moment that they had reunited at the Alliance meeting. Even after, her arm looped through his was as close as they had been. But when her voice cracked and her vision blurred, Aymeric forewent any reservation he might have had and pulled her into a tight embrace.

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, squeezing his arms around her. His hand passed over her hair in wide, warm strokes. “I didn’t...I thought I would not be missed—”

We’re not so different in height, Serella distantly realized when she rested her chin on his shoulder, leaned her head into his neck, and held him just as tightly.

“Ma still asks about you, you know. If I see you in my travels.” Overwhelmed with conflicting emotions— elation warring with irritation, joy clashing with sorrow— she squeezed him back. “You sweet fool, of course you were missed. Are missed. Even if I don’t entirely know who it is I’m missing.”

“You know me.” He said, pulling back suddenly. His palms were as wide as she thought they were, she realized, when he gently cupped her face in them. He implored her, “You always knew me. The only thing I ever hid from you was my home—”

“Only.” 

“I...point taken.” The wild, pleading look in his eyes eased into a wincing smile. “Even were I to tell you, I doubt you would believe me, after all this time.”

“I would try to.” She admitted.

The laugh Aymeric gave as he let go of her felt more like a sigh of resignation. She tried not to think on it, instead pondering why he was beginning to wander closer to the cliff’s edge. 

“When we were young, I never told you of my origin for fear of someone finding out through you that could hurt me.” He said, half to her and half to the sea. Committing his focus to her, he admitted, “Even before now, I hesitated for fear of othering. So I have only three questions, if you would indulge me.”

At her assent, his expression eased into relief. “I thank you. Firstly: if I showed you the truth, would you trust what your eyes see?”

“Of course.” Serella replied, still not sure where this conversation was going.

Something like dread, but not quite so heavy, pulled her stomach down slowly toward the floor, the longer she continued to watch the way he had to lean into the wind, now gusting so loudly she had to step closer to hear his next questions.

“Am I still your friend?” He asked, and that reservation had returned in his gaze.

As if that were ever in doubt. “You’ve always been my friend. It’s as I said when we first reunited: of course I want to know you.”

Even when she was close enough to hear him clearly over the wind, Serella continued her advance, drawn in by the way he beamed at her like the sun at the end of a storm.

“Thank you,” he whispered when she had at last came to his side.

“...You had a third question…?” She gently reminded him when she realized she had been staring at the way his hair caught in the breeze and he had still not said anything.

Aymeric seemed to start at that, but when his eyes refocused on her questioning gaze, he gave her a smile so boyish she was reminded of the few times he had ever pranked her when they were young.

“How’s your swimming, after all these years?” He asked.

A question she was not anticipating. Flustered, she blurted out, “As a fish.”

Aymeric snorted. If she didn’t know better, it was almost derisively.

“I’ll be the judge of that, thank you!” He harrumphed—

—before leaping off the sheer cliff.

For having had no running start, Serella was momentarily shocked by the distance he got out of his jump— before the rest of her brain caught up with her and she realized what he had just done. It had only been a second’s delay, all told, but it was just long enough for her to miss when she lunged for his hand.

She’d overshot the effort she put behind that lurch; the sudden shift of her weight forward made her stumble those few crucial steps between her and the cliff face, and momentum promptly vaulted her over the side.

The fall was less a concern for her; she had done deep fishing further south off of this coast before. It was the sheer rock wall and the lack of a pulley team to get them out that worried her most as she flipped in freefall to push herself further away from the cliff face once she’d accepted she’d fallen too far to recover without injury. Climbing with Aymeric on her back, worst case scenario, was hardly a situation to look forward to, but in that moment, all she cared about was getting to Aymeric first, to save him from drowning, if that was what it came to. She could worry about the particulars of why he would jump off of a fucking cliff: she thought she heard him crashing through the sea’s surface. She had to be quick. 

Balance righted, she crossed her arms over her chest tightly to protect herself as best she could from the fall, and cast Sentinel upon herself before taking the deepest breath she could manage. The blur of blue and slate made her nauseated. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to mentally parse how far she had plummeted so far. The fall felt like it took eons, but still, she clenched her muscles as tightly as she could the whole way down. 

The impact of the water’s surface still surprised her, but she was glad to keep most of the air she had taken in— and that the water was deep enough where she landed that she was not promptly dashed into the rocks.

“Trust your eyes, and open them, Ellie.” Aymeric said— 

—Said? 

“Look at me.” He pleaded, almost urgently.

Serella’s eyes opened before she had consciously thought of doing so, and even when she furiously blinked away the blur, she found she could not quite comprehend the sight before her.

For before her, was her friend Aymeric, his eyes glimmering like the babbling brooks near Elmvale now with slitted pupils, watched her keenly from beneath inky hair wisping about his head as though he were painted into the sea itself, nearly the same as she had come to know him as...save for the long, broad tail that flared out from his hip bones. It coiled behind him once, almost coquettishly, almost shy of her, even as he drifted close. 

He was reaching for her— and it drew attention to the claws at his fingertips, dark and edged with the same deep blue scales that adorned his tail. They fringed his ears, now flared out at the tips in fins, and highlighted his cheekbones, coated the entirety of his throat like armor. When his full lips parted again, she saw that his teeth had sharpened to blade-sharp points—

His hands were still soft. Still his.

The realization pierced her thoughts when he held her face in his hands again. For all the scales and claws, they still felt like him. Something in that revelation quieted her racing mind. In a flash, those new features settled over her friend’s features.

At last, she knew him.

“Trust me?” He asked— and at her nod, kissed her deep enough her tongue ran along those sharpened teeth.

Logically, Serella should feel cold. She should worry about that tingling feeling in her chest, effervescent and fizzing it’s way up her throat, into her mind, bubbling like a sparkling champagne. But all she could think of was how his face felt beneath her hands when she mirrored his thumbs stroking her cheekbones. Even with the scales, they were smooth, and a rumble left him when she tested their texture beneath her thumbs, further distracting her.

She should also probably ponder how she was being pressed flush to him, when their hands were still very much on each other’s faces, but then her lungs were burning. Then, she gasped while still being underwater, and she had a whole new list of question that all started with:

“How—?” She sputtered, more baffled still that she could.

The tenderness with which he handled her did not abate, though that boyish smile returned— wide enough that it crinkled the corners of his eyes in an endearing way. His eyes gleamed like the sunset on the sea.

“I’m inclined to agree with you,” Aymeric said.

When she opened her mouth to ask why— and the more she was consciously noticing she was actively breathing underwater, the stranger it felt— that grin widened to flash those pointed teeth again. He lightly squished the pads of his thumbs by the corners of her mouth, once. “‘Tis as you said: a fish.”

When she squirmed and started to sink out of his tender grip, she was lifted back into his chest to be held— ah, that tail of his was loosely curled about her thighs, the tapered end near his fins pressing gently into the space between her shoulder blades to adjust her in the waters.

“I only gave you the blessing of water— it permits you breathe water as though it were air.” He explained gently.

She hadn’t been worried about that, not really. Or rather— she hadn’t necessarily thought to, but it was reassuring all the same.

Still, she couldn’t help a chuckle— underwater! May that never lose its novelty!— as she repeated, “Only,” before closing the distance again.

“Ah—” He gasped against her mouth, after a few more moments of drowning in her. “Much as I have dreamt of this…’tis high time I showed you my home.”

Before she could ask what he truly meant— really, what did she even know of the world anymore, after this, Aymeric rearranged her in the gentle embrace of arms and tail alike to gesture with a sweep of his hand to the depth below them. 

At first, Serella could only follow the aim of his outstretched hand, down to the glowing dome jutting out from the seabed. It glittered as a star among the deep blue undercurrents, unmoving. Letting her eyes adjust, she couldn’t help but gasp when she realized what she was looking at.

When Ishgard first sank into the depths, seemingly vanishing overnight, there had been searches, initially. Cursory as they had been at the time, with the threat of the Garlean empire looming and the Calamity that followed not long after, by the time anyone had thought to check any deeper on Ishgard’s fate beyond what the local populace that hadn’t been in the city when it fell had told them, there was little left in resources to properly search. And so, it had fallen into some level of notoriety, almost legend, even only thirty years after its fall.

As a child, she had only seen the very tips of the tallest towers of Coerthas’ city-state from through the treeline, or artful depictions of a dreamlike castle painted in books. It had always looked impossible to her, even so young; a castle, pristine and glittering as a fairytale, somewhere in the real world? Preposterous. And yet...looking at the towering spires, winding, sprialing walkways, and brilliant stonework of that impossible citadel encased in the shield, she knew it at a glance.

Ishgard.

[wreckofawriter]

Shadows

Pairing: Carl Grimes x reader

Word Count: 2.1k

Warnings: Blood, gore, killing, fluff ending

Summary: You cant be in the prison, so you make stupid decisions and Carl camt stand it

A/n: I tried to write a request ended up with this instead. Idk why, but here we are, I re-write the ending 4 times and it's still cringy

    You felt your heart pound against your chest, your hands were thick with sweat and blood. You held a knife so drenched in crimson you couldn’t see its original silver hue. Your arms ached as you plunged the weapon into another rotting skull. The walkers were never-ending. Their snarls echoed around you as you turned to run. A call pulled your attention and you turned hearing gunshots. Carl stumbled over a rut and tumbled backward firing his gun into the air. You screamed his name running towards him, but he only got further away as his yells continuted. You watched as a walker bit into his arm a scream ripping from his mouth.

   

You sat straight up in your bed with a whimper. Your face was sticky with tears and you were covered in a cold sweat. You took in a shaky breath rubbing your eyes and whipping your cheeks with the sleeve of your shirt. You tucked your feet from underneath the cot you were seated on, the cement floor cool through your socks. You grabbed a flannel from beside your bed that didn’t belong to you, slipping it on before grabbing a pair of leather boots, lacing them up. You moved from behind the sheet hiding your cell grabbing a knife and moving outside. 

You didn’t wear a watch, but you guessed it to be just after midnight. The night air was chilled, you could see your short breaths in front of you. The moon was almost full, its light casting cold black shadows around you. You stopped, leaning your back to the fence and slipping your eyes closed. You could hear the far away groans of the dead at your gates. A shuffle of footsteps brought you from your thoughts, your eyes snapping open. You turned to peer through the chain links to find what was making the noise. 

You swung, feeling a hand on your shoulder. 

“Shit y/n!” Carl cussed ducking the knife. 

You let out a breath, “Christ Carl, don’t sneak up on me.” 

“Trust me I won’t do that again.” He mumbled standing beside you, wind rippling your clothes. It was quiet for a moment, the rustle of leaves in the cold air. “Can’t sleep?” Carl asked turning towards you.

You shrugged crossing your arms to fight the cold, “Dreams.” You said simply.

Carl paused his eyes still locked on you as you continuted to look out at the courtyard. You could feel goosebumps rising on your arms. 

“You wanna talk about them?” He suggested scuffing his boots on the ground. 

You shrugged again, “Not much to talk about.” 

Carl bit his lip bringing his hand to his tousled hair. The wind picked up around you and he watched as you drew your arms closer around you, “I think I’ve watched you die seven times now.” he mumbled your eyes snapping to his own. “My dad around the same and Judith too many to count.” he paused, “I lost track of how many times I’ve shot my mom.”

You stayed quiet for a moment, still peering through the metal into the deep black, “It’s usually my parents.” you started, “They die in front of me over and over again, I just watch again and again already know what’s coming.” You stood silent for a breath, “It was you tonight.” 

Carl nodded solemnly, his eyes on his feet.

“You tripped over a root. They pounced on you.” You whispered.

“I’m not dead.” Carl spoke confidently, “You shouldn’t worry about me.” 

You chuckled lowly, “I could say the same to you.” 

He turned back to meet you smiling, he narrowed his eyes a bit glancing down at your clothes. “Is that my shirt?” 

“No.” You answered too quickly and he laughed, “Let’s go in, I’m freezing.” 

    The days were always easier than the nights. Lately, you started taking more and more shifts clearing the fences. You never felt like you were actually happy. You begged to go on runs with Daryl or Sasha but you were always shot down being told you were too young. So you started sneaking out through the tombs. You did it alone, you would just disappear. You were never gone for more than a day or two. You always came back with something, meds, food, water, seeds, you would go house to house in the suburbs just looking through cabinets and closets. You knew it was stupid and you knew you could die but maybe part of you wanted to. Carl hated it when you left. He would glare at you when you got back until he broke the next day and got over it. Rick told you to stop, so did Michonne and Maggie. You always smiled and nodded saying you would and the next day you would be gone, one of Carl’s flannels missing from his room and a note tucked into his hat. 

You always came back okay, nothing more than a few cuts and bruises at the most. But this was different. You had been gone for almost a week. Carl had now experienced five and a half days of absolute torture, all he could imagine was you being torn apart by teeth or gagged and tied up in a basement. He had decided that once you were gone seven days he would go look for you. 

You swore ducking behind a tree. Your knife was grasped in your hand as you pressed your back against the tree. Walkers groaned, stumbling past you as you shoved yourself as far back as you could your hand covering your mouth in hopes to muffle your breaths. You waited as the heard passed slowly and another fifteen minutes after they were out of view. Your heartbeat calmed, grip on your weapon loosening. 

You struggled with the weight you carried. Your backpack weight more than you could manage, multiple ARs swung around your shoulders adding to the weight. Despite it all, you smiled widely. You had to backtrack to the road, you had left your wagon there to run from the dead. You couldn’t have been more than five miles out of the prison. As you made your way out of the forest you heard voices.

“Holy fuck! I can’t believe it!” A male voice shouted, “Guns just lying here.” he laughed.

“We should be careful the owner could be nearby.” Another hissed.

You cussed quietly snatching a semi-automatic and raising it to your shoulder. You flipped off the safety as you approached the road. You could see three men, the thought of taking them out from there flashed through your brain. You shook your head, the only had knives on them from the looks of it and you needed to act before they grabbed anything from the wagon. 

“Step away from the guns!” You shouted. 

Immediately one started towards them, you squeezed the trigger firing at his feet, he lept back to avoid the bullets. 

“Now!” You yelled doing your best to sound intimidating. 

You watched as they scanned the treeline one of them finding you a small smile finding his lips. He threw his hands in the air nodding for the others to do the same. “Alright sweetie, why don’t you come out?”

“Leave.” You responded not moving, “Leave or I will kill you.” None of them made a move, “A heard just passed by, the gunfire will have brought them back this way, go!” 

Just as you finished your sentence the one furthest to the right leaped for the guns. You blew out his knees as he howled. The other two took the opertonuty one manging to grab a handgun and firing at you. You scrambled behind a tree as shots rung around you. You peeked from behind the truth when the bullets stopped as they struggled to reload. You shot twice and he dropped to the ground. You looked around for the last man only to find he had disappeared. You scanned the road, beginning towards it when you were suddenly tackled to the ground. 

“Little bitch!” He shouted, the gun knocked from your hand, the others pinned behind your back. You screamed and he took a swing at you as you kneed him in the crotch. He let out a groan, his kife only catching your forehead. At that moment you reached for your own blade swinging it upwards. It connected with the bottom of his abdomen, you dragged it upwards his stomach opening and drenching you in his blood. He sputtered, blood from his mouth dripping onto your face. You shoved him off of you scrambling away and snatching your AR, you turned to put a bullet in his head as another gunshot rang out. 

Your eyes met with sky blue through a haze of red. Carl held his Bretta over the man his eyes locked on you. 

“What the fuck are you doing y/n?!” He shouted running at you and drawing you into his embrace. “What the hell is wrong with you?” he whispered into your ear. You stood stiff, Carl broke away from you, blood now soaking through his grey t-shirt. 

“Sorry.” You mumbled shrugging. 

Carl opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by a groan from the man lying on the road. You walked up to him, sticking your knife into his head. 

Carl glanced around at the bodies but said nothing. 

“We have to hurry, there was a heard the gunshots will lead them back this way.” You mumbled swinging off your backpack and shoving in as many had guns as you could then stuffing two into your belt and boots. “Help me carry these we’re too slow with the wagon.”

Carl followed your actions, filling his own bag with guns and ammo, “Where did you find all this?”

“A gun collector about twenty miles out, there’s more, I took as much as I could.” You responded.

You set off at a slow jog wanting to put some distance between you and the gunfire, after about half a mile you were both exhausted from the weight and slowed to a walk. 

“Don’t tell your dad about that.” You said, “I don’t want him to know.”

Carl didn’t say anything for a while, your shadows were getting longer, the light in the sky dulling. “Why do you go out here?” He finally asked.

You shrugged hands on the straps of your bag, “I like it.” 

“You like walkers? You like running for your life? You like being covered in blood?” He seethed clearly furious with you.

You only glared back at him, “It’s better than being cooped up in a prison doing nothing.” you hissed. “I can’t stand it. Being in there all the time, it’s like I’m going crazy, I feel so useless. At least out here I actually feel like I’m living.”

Carl scoffed, “This isn’t living. This is surviving. Being behind those gates, growing food, hanging out with other kids, that’s living.” 

You didn’t say anything else for the rest of the walk back. You reached the gates jogging past the walkers into the prison. Both of you getting looks as you were covered head to toe in blood and armed to the teeth. 

Ricks jaw dropped when he saw you, you answered his concerns with tales of walker blood before helping him unpack your bags showing him on a map where you found them. Carl didn’t say anything just nodded along with you before escaping the first chance he got. You finished talking with Rick and headed for the showers.

You found Carl in his cell, he wouldn’t even look at you, instead of keeping his eyes peeled on his comic book. You sighed sitting on the end of the bed. “I’m not going to go out like that anymore.” You mumbled kicking your feet up to the top of the bed. 

His eyes snapped towards you. 

“I’m going to go on some runs, but I won’t go by myself anymore. You’re right, that’s not living. This is.” You finished. 

He didn’t say anything for a while. You were about to give up and head to bed when he spoke up. “I thought he killed you when I first found you, he was lying over you, you were covered in blood. I thought he gutted you.” 

You swallowed mouth feeling suddenly dry.

Carl sat up now leaning towards you, “I can’t live without you y/n. I just can’t”

You were frozen, your heart hammering in your chest, he was so close you could feel his breath fanning over the bridge of your nose.

“So don’t go out there and get yourself killed.” He whispered his hand grabbing at your own. “Please.” The desperation in his voice made the breath catch in your throat. 

Your lips met slowly, your heart thudding so loudly you thought it might leap from you. Your eye fluttered shut, Carl’s grip on your hands tightening as he drew you closer to him. 

You broke apart slowly, the dim candlelight casting your face into warm shadows. “You won’t lose me.”

Masterlist

[bladekindeyewear]

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-08-23

More homestuuuuuck

I’m a little tired today so I don’t expect much intelligent analysis out of myself, but if anything classpecty happens I doubt I’ll be able to help myself regardless.

oh, always

(EDITS: added note on horn colors, link to ask on potential Blood powers reference)

> CHAPTER 12. Really Convoluted Metaphorical Horseshit

cuuute

In the bowels of a different ship, at a moment in time that is not pinpointable in either direction from the previous interaction, another Dave raps quietly to himself.

another dave raps quietly to himself.  i am glad that phrase exists it brings me joy

(LATER EDIT: A friend on Discord pointed out that throughout this entire update, Karkat's horns are #FF0000 red. They were normal candy-corn colors in previous glimpses at the ship crew, though they used a dark single-color shortcut typical of old Homestuck at one point... but THIS time it stays STARK red even when we zoom in close later. Is this just artistic liberty? Did Karkat color his horns for fashion? Does this happen to red-bloods like the Sufferer after a certain age? Just how much time has actually passed, here? We might have to wait for the commentary for this one.)

KARKAT: I WAS SAYING I THOUGHT WE MIGHT GO, I DUNNO, ANYWHERE ELSE ON THE ENTIRE SHIP WHILE THE CLOTHES WERE WASHING. KARKAT: SEEING AS THIS DECREPIT MACHINE WE WERE SO BLESSEDLY PROVIDED WITH MAKES A WHIRRING SOUND SO PANCHAFINGLY ARHYTHMIC THAT IT THREATENS TO ERADICATE THE ENTIRE CONCEPT OF TEMPO FROM THE UNIVERSE.

Karkat really has chilled out hasnt he?  like this is surprisingly level for him, and that fact is hilarious.

KARKAT: AND YET SOMEHOW BASICALLY ALL THAT HAS HAPPENED SINCE WE STARTED THE LOAD IS THAT YOU’VE BEEN USING IT AS A FUCKED UP BEAT TO WHISPER TO YOURSELF ABOUT FLOWERS TO.

oh gosh that’s why he’s rapping

> ==>

DAVE: kanaya was telling me this kids story the other day about this dude who didnt cherish a flower enough until it peaced out to do flower stuff idk its not pertinent to the story DAVE: except the flower was a person DAVE: because it was a metaphor

Oh right, coming back to the Little Prince stuff I was too lazy to metaphor-deep-dive into, and literally asking the same questions we were asking about who the Little Prince’s story applies to mapped here if anyone at all, like Dirk and such, or what biases were in the retelling of it and the way Kanaya phrased it.  So now we’re practically mocking it by deep diving it here, hence the last page’s “DAVE: i was just thinking through some really convoluted metaphorical horseshit”, which means we’re both about to further explore AND shit all over the existence of this story metaphor until it doesn’t mean anything and most of the meaning we drew from it earlier is made a joke~

well, not “we”, cause I was too lazy, so... y’all

DAVE: anyway what goes down in the story is that once the flower lady is out of the picture DAVE: the main character goes around making all these connections between her and everything else in the universe until every damn thing feels like a symbol for how much he fucked up and how much he will never see her again KARKAT: THIS SEEMS PRETTY FUCKING INTENSE FOR A KID'S STORY DAVE: yea thats pretty much what i said

Oh holy shit.  That’s yet another way to put it.  Are we doing a whole moral takedown of the Light aspect today?  cause it sounds like we’re taking a dump on the Light aspect and RoboRose getting too obsessed and immersed in it, which would be excellent

DAVE: but i guess its not so much what the story was technically textually about but more like the version of it kanaya internalized and then told me when we were talkin about how she misses rose

exactly

DAVE: so like now im taking the story she told me she was projecting her feelings onto and projecting my feelings on top of that

yes absolutely, you just rephrased it a different way with that exact same bias

DAVE: this is just one big game of emotional projection telephone so feel free to go paraphrase it to roxy later and make it about whatever fuckin thing youre currently missing

perfect. i need an emoji for that Italian thing for when you pinch your thumb and forefinger together and kiss it

ah this’ll do:

its like the expression “choice” but in nonverbal form

[...] whatever fuckin thing youre currently missing KARKAT: YOUR ABILITY TO GET TO THE POINT DAVE: gotem DAVE: anyway you’re not gonna have to miss that skill of mine for long DAVE: get ready for this shit because i am about to slap you with the point so hard youll fall ass first into the washer DAVE: just scrambling around in there getting all sudsy DAVE: but your brain is gonna be so blasted from the mindfreak of a point im about to make that there wont be anything left to clean

Anytime dave is told to get to the point he is contractually obligated to spend at least 20 seconds talking about how he’ll get to the point in a way that is not getting to the point

DAVE: so its genuinely cool that kanaya can go around creating meaning that may or may not be actually present in every little thing DAVE: connecting every feeling she has to the idea of her wife existing out there DAVE: so i told her she should keep that shit up DAVE: but im having the opposite issue where im struggling to find anything to be that kind of tether because every single thing i could possibly consider about what it is were doing just reminds me of yet another thing to be afraid about

Great examples of Light being good and bad!  Attaching strands of connective meaning to everything.  --though, in Dave’s case AND Kanaya’s case you could argue it’s both bad in terms of effects.  That it’s great for Kanaya to care, but that she should be able to divest herself and live on her own terms without idealizing Rose literally everywhere she looks, personal growth which would be useful in helping bring Rose back to her in the first place.  The struggle they’re looking forward to is largely philosophical, not just physical, and until Rosebot acknowledges that she was wrong it’s not over.

DAVE: everything fuckin sucks huge cosmic donkey sack and im terrified KARKAT: OK, SO I FEEL LIKE YOU SKIPPED A COUPLE NECESSARY STEPS IN YOUR POINT CLARIFICATION PROCESS.

Pretty sure Dave was on the same page as most Epilogue and start-of-HS2 readers.  This situation is pretty bleak to dump our heroes into, no matter how much we believe will be resolved in the long run.

DAVE: ok but were you going with sweet or savory please give me that much at least KARKAT: YEAH IT WAS GOING TO BE SUNDAE-BASED. DAVE: nice KARKAT: YEAH. KARKAT: DO YOU WANNA WATCH MORE GBBO AFTER THIS? DAVE: absolutely

--ah, Great British Bake-Off, can’t say I’ve indulged

do they still have that?? did they save it from old Earth?  or did they go where unflooded Britain used to be and say hey, new show reboot

KARKAT: GREAT. ANYWAY, LIKE I WAS SAYING, FOR THE LOVE OF SWEET HUMAN CHRIST, PLEASE BACK UP TO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU’RE ACTUALLY SCARED OF. KARKAT: ALSO COME HERE, IDIOT.

That last line is like, exactly as fucking sweet and awesome as we imagined their relationship to be.  :)

> ==>

OH MY GOD THAT’S ADORABLE

DAVE: ok yeah this is a better position to unleash all my inner fears n anxieties from

indisputably.

DAVE: those times its like my mouth was saying words about the situation wherein our friends are AWOL and maybe dead but my brain wasnt fully letting me experience the emotion that goes along with them DAVE: man its like i cant even start genuinely thinking about how afraid i actually am for rose and john without my brain flippin its wad and whiting out DAVE: like haha fuck i hope theyre ok DAVE: now i better make a fuckin joke before i succumb to the gaping mouth of despair waiting for me to fall in it as soon as i look down and acknowledge that its there ogling how juicy my ass looks as it trembles with terror

I really hope that the writers of HS2 know full well that this feeling? the one Dave is describing here? is what many of us who got way overinvested in the well-being of Homestuck’s surviving characters felt reading the Epilogues and Homestuck^2.  So I really hope they’re working through it in a way that will result in a preponderance of GOOD THINGS happening and hope-filled situations.  Cause that “can’t even think about X” feeling is too familiar, and if they understand it as well as it LOOKS like they’re getting to, I’d really like them to give us a helping hand healing.

I think that’s what they’re going for?  Seems hopeful for me to think so, but they HAVE been doing better as HS2 has been going forward, from an emotional standpoint anyway; definitely better than the Epilogues.  And I’ve worked through some of that stuff with the help of that, because it’s MUCH easier nowadays to think about Homestuck without my gut clenching.

DAVE: i guess im just fucked up about how to worry about dirk and be angry at him at the same time DAVE: because if i get as unholy pissed at him as i sometimes wanna be i also gotta admit to myself that maybe i coulda done something different there

Mhmm, Karkat’s potentially a pretty good person to speak with here since he’s done so much work trying not to feel responsible for everything that’s ever gone wrong.

DAVE: also like DAVE: and this by the way adds a whole other layer of guilt on there that i dont really know how to fuckin reckon with but DAVE: even with all the shit hes pulled and the fact that we are more or less heading toward having to take him down DAVE: whatever that is gonna mean and whether or not he planned it like that DAVE: i just DAVE: me and him had come so far with each other and it was really cool for a while to have him and i DAVE: ugh DAVE: i dont WANT to hate him

Yeah, Dirk and Jane’s heel-turns were really shitty for anyone who was a fan of them in the fanbase, as well.

KARKAT: WELL THEN QUIT FUCKING PICKING AT THE SEAM ON MY SHORTS AND SPIT IT OUT. THEY'RE BARELY HANGING ON TO THE DEFINITION OF "SHORTS" AS IT IS.

That is an adorably real boyfriend-laying-in-boyfriend’s-lap thing to do

DAVE: the part i mentioned before about how we really have no goddamn clue how long this trip is even gonna take DAVE: i cant help but feel like its barely getting revved up DAVE: and for me and roxy and jade and callie and kan thats normal shit at best and boring at worst but we all have our immortality to thank for that DAVE: we can just dick around in space for near-eternity waiting to catch up to our friends who may or may not be our enemies now and itll be fine DAVE: i mean no itll be categorically miserable DAVE: but well survive it KARKAT: HOLD THE FUCK ON. DAVE: but you KARKAT: DAVE. DAVE: no lemme say this

Oh god damnit.  Karkat’s limited lifespan.  As if we hadn’t ALREADY covered a nauseatingly extensive gamut of disheartening topics of conversation.  We really have to confront every shred of misery in their past, present and future one after the other after the other in the Epilogues and HS2, don’t we?  >:(

I guess it had to be discussed, though.

DAVE: we dont talk about it much and i got shit to say about it DAVE: its not like i never thought about how youre mortal before but i just thought wed be able to figure it out before it mattered DAVE: come up with some kind of plan DAVE: i was just distracted being happy with you i fucking guess and so i didnt think up a way to fix it DAVE: and now thanks to dirk we have to work it out right the fuck now DAVE: because i cant spend this trip just sitting around watching you get old and die

Jesus.  I mean, WE know(?) that it’s not gonna be THAT many years, but THEY don’t know that.

Unless it really IS going to be that many years and HS2 is going to shamelessly take a fucking sledgehammer to our feelings for no goddamn good reason.  Which it won’t!  Right???  >:T

> ==>

Dishwasher ding

> Dave: Grapple with the clean, soggy consequences of the passage of time.

Hey, don’t make it a metaphor here. --though, fuck.  I suppose we are dealing with everyones dirty laundry.  God damnit.  SURE, deal with it all story but then GET IT OUT OF THE WAY AND PUT SOME SERIOUS FUN AND LAUGHS IN HERE so we don’t feel like we’re wading through an entire garbage dump!!!  *click*

Karkat’s eyebrows-only mouthless frown is really cute.

> ==>

okay Karkat explain the nope you’re lodging

> ==>

*put*

> ==>

*foot*

> ==>

DAVE: ok go on

I mean I at least appreciate the time investment in adorable boyfriends.  That’s definitely something of SOME good value they’re giving us in exchange for this misery

> ==>

That Karkat image makes me wanna do that red-shaky-gif-thing with it

KARKAT: IT'S NOT LIKE I'M NEW TO THE PARTICULAR MOOBEAST WRANGLING EVENT OF SOMEONE I PREVIOUSLY LOVED BRUTALLY TURNING ON ME AND LEAVING ME TO TRY AND CRAM MY FEELINGS ABOUT THE SITUATION BACK TOGETHER ALL ON MY OWN.

True

KARKAT: HE DID THAT ON HIS OWN. AND WE MADE THE CHOICE TO GO AFTER HIM ON OUR OWN.

Yes, and you’ll possibly convince him more of that over time, though not in this short conversation

KARKAT: I WAS FOLLOWING YOUR LITTLE TRAIL OF COOKIE CRUMB FEARS UNTIL IT LEAD TO THE BIG SNACK FINALE OF WORRY ABOUT MY FRAGILE MORTAL MEATSACK. KARKAT: IF I HAVE SOMEHOW NOT BEEN CLEAR ABOUT THIS WITH YOU YET, LET ME GO AHEAD AND RECTIFY THE SITUATION RIGHT THE FUCK NOW. KARKAT: HANGING OUT WITH YOU ON THIS LONG TRIP TO WHO THE SHITTING FUCK KNOWS WHERE IS QUITE LITERALLY THE HAPPIEST I HAVE EVER BEEN IN MY ENTIRE MEAGER EXISTENCE. KARKAT: I'M SO ABSOLUTELY BLISSED THE FUCK OUT OF MY MIND TO BE ABLE TO LOOK AT YOUR STUPID IMMORTALLY SMOOTH HUMAN FACE SKIN EVERY DAY AND NOT HAVE A COMPLEX ABOUT IT.

D’AWWW

And with that darkly angry expression too, that’s PERFECT

I mean it’s true.  What exactly would they be doing DIFFERENTLY on Earth C other than enjoying each other like this?  It’s pretty fucking great.

...hm.  Isn’t this journey-not-the-destination stuff pretty Breathy?  Karkat’s proving more balanced by the moment.

KARKAT: AND I'LL BE STRAIGHT WITH YOU. IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVEN'T BEEN EXPERIENCING SOME COMPLICATED GUILT, MYSELF. KARKAT: THE FACT THAT I'M HAVING THE TIME OF MY LIFE JUST FUCKING CHILLAXING AND BEING IN LOVE IN SPACE IS A CLEARLY INCONGRUOUS WITH THE REASON I'M ACTUALLY HERE CHILLAXING TO BEGIN WITH, AND I'M NOT LETTING MYSELF FORGET THAT, EITHER.

Pff.  He feels guilty for ENJOYING IT so much.  <3

KARKAT: BUT I RESENT THE IMPLICATION THAT MY HAPPINESS IS REGISTERING FOR YOU AS YOU HAVING TO JUST "SIT AROUND AND WATCH ME GET OLD," BECAUSE I KNOW YOU KNOW IT'S MORE THAN THAT.

I’m glad Karkat knows that DAVE knows somewhere in him that it’s more than that, because yeah, if Karkat thought he DIDN’T know that at some level that’d be a reason to take MUCH MORE SERIOUS offense.

KARKAT: LIKE, JESUS, DAVE. YOU KNOW I'M AFRAID FOR YOU, TOO, RIGHT? KARKAT: OR DID YOU FORGET THE WHOLE HEROIC DEATH THING? KARKAT: I WORRY ABOUT LOSING YOU FAIRLY FUCKING REGULARLY.

Hah!!!  Point taken.  Karkat must view Dave as practically more fragile than HIM.

KARKAT: ONE: WE'VE BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH HELLACIOUS PANWARPING TRAUMA THAT I REFUSE TO NOT ENJOY THIS SHIT WHEN I FINALLY FUCKING GET IT, NO MATTER HOW LONG IT MAY OR MAY NOT LAST. KARKAT: TWO: IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE DOING NOTHING. WE’RE MOVING. WE’RE WORKING. WE’RE HEADED SPECIFICALLY TO A PLACE WHERE WE WILL UNDOUBTLEDLY ENDURE YET MORE FUCKING HELLACIOUS PANWARPING TRAUMA. KARKAT: AND THREE: WE'RE DOING THAT BECAUSE WE HAVE FRIENDS WHO WE CARE ABOUT THAT NEED US. THAT IS OUR FOCUS, HERE. NOT OUR FEAR. IT'S ABOUT THE PEOPLE WE HAVE TO SAVE. KARKAT: SO DON'T FUCKING WORRY ABOUT ME, DAVE. I'M FINE.

Okay, this is great and wholesome.  I am now retroactively GLAD that this topic got brought up.  :)

> ==>

Dave is still afraid. There is a part of him that will always be, he thinks. He has accepted this about himself. There is another feeling coursing through him too, though. It’s something he's felt before, though never quite so intensely. He looks up at Karkat and understands, viscerally, the simple power his words have. They pump through Dave’s own body, alive and warm and true.

He wonders if Karkat realizes it, or if he’s just, as always, saying what he feels as he feels it. Dave doesn’t attempt to dissect it further. There will be time for that later.

Every really loving moment like this is sort of undercut by the fact that it’s also, in some senses, part of alt!Calliope’s narration and, by extension, her fanfiction.

EDIT 2: There's also either a hint to potential Blood powers or even an explicit Blood power use here that I didn't recognize. I'm leaning towards it's-laying-the-groundwork-for-future-use-of-Blood-powers-but-isnt-magical-in-this-case.

> ==>

Smooooch!

That was nice.  Still gonna wait on doing any commentary til next time or a Bonus update or two, cause I’m beat.  See y’all next time!

[mousehole5000]

wow i made this draft on november 1st i really took a break from this huh anyway tgcf chapters 121 - 142

i realize now this coffin scene was inevitable. feel kinda weird about hua cheng  back and forth from Teen to Big Man but it is very funny that theyre having their “dude dont look at my boner” moment while in the jaws of a water dragon

pei ming: why didnt you guys make a bigger coffin so you didnt have to squish together like that? xie lian: haha yep!! anyways what brings you here?

“In the grand, spacious centre of the entrance hall sat a person. And this person, dressed in all black, its face snow-white—was a corpse! Instantly Xie Lian shut the doors soundly.” - king of minding his own business.

okay this is where i stopped putting notes here for a while but i did save some in my e-reader so here’s some of the highlights

“Guzi used to have a good sleeping form, but perhaps with his cheap dad’s bad influence, now he was also spread out on top of Qi Rong’s stomach like a dead fish. Lang Ying himself was curled neatly in the corner, and was covered by a few shirts. Xie Lian lifted the blanket covering Qi Rong, suppressed the urge to smother his face, and covered the two small children.” - xie lian funny moments. also it would be really funny if qi rong redeems himself by learning love through these misfit chiildren and it might actually endear me to him but i hope that doesnt happen

Every heavenly official was yelling, and even Ling Wen was throwing a fit. “DON’T THROW EVERY BIT OF USELESS INFORMATION MY WAY, HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK I HAVE TO GO THROUGH EVERY DAY? DON’T YOU ALL KNOW TO USE YOUR BRAINS A LITTLE BEFORE ASKING ME?!” - ling wen marry me right now

“An expression like “seen a ghost” that only mortals experienced was now showing on his face for the first time. Shi Wudu’s pupils shrank to the smallest they could, and he blurted, “You’re still alive?!” “I’m dead!” He Xuan said coldly.” - okay everythings going tits up rn but i did laugh

i did see spoilers re: ming yi/he xuan reveal + shi wudu’s fate beforehand so i dont have a genuine reaction other than oh shit

“He slowly enunciated each word. “I won’t touch your fate. But, here in this place, chop off your brother’s head for me.”  CLANG! He threw a rusty blade onto the ground. Shi Qingxuan stared at that blade, his eyes wide. He Xuan continued, “Then, never show yourself before me again, and I will pretend you’ve never existed in this world.” - okay idk what else is going to happen but rn im concerned that this is like the 2nd biggest ship. i guess we’ll see?? i mean i am really curious whats going to happen to them. shi qingxuan keeps calling he xuan “ming-xiong” and i... sad

shi wudu im not really invested in you as a character but these next two bits... interesting

“If I don’t die but have nothing, then that’s truly a fate worse than death. If I’m not the Water God, I can’t take care of you. I won’t even be able to protect myself. I’m scared that we won’t even last two days…TAKE IT!” - damn. something about the wealthy losing everything and not knowing how to live without it bc thats their entire life and identity

“EVERYTHING I HAVE TODAY, I FOUGHT FOR MYSELF. I WILL FIGHT FOR WHAT I DON’T HAVE. I WILL CHANGE FATE I DON’T POSSESS. MY FATE IS UP TO ME AND NOT THE HEAVENS!” - okay so the whole committing spiritual fraud by tormenting a man and his family to get your brother a cushy title thing aside this was kind of badass. heretical? possibly. but still. also is he intentionally riling up he xuan so sqx doesnt have to kill him? if so damn...

also okay as long as im here im just gonna say it. the choice that he xuan gives shi qingxuan is fucking brutal but i actually think its probably as fair as it could be. sqx didnt know about or participate in what happened to hx but they did benefit from it greatly while hx lost EVERYTHING and i can understand he xuan’s thinking of “if you really feel bad for what happened to me then you have to make a sacrifice and understand the suffering and this is as clean as its going to get” and theres a bit where sqx is trying to beg for mercy but cant get the words out which im guessing is bc theres no good argument!! what happened was fucked up!!

“When Pei Ming saw that reinforcements had arrived, he didn’t appear particularly delighted; instead he threw the sword into the ground, then rubbed his nose and said, sounding grim, “You all just had to come just as I finished making these, what the heck.” - pei ming making coffins chopping down trees with his sword i love it #wastehistime2k17

“Xie Lian brought that basket of eggs along, and gave them away as souvenirs from the mortal realm. Many who received the eggs were overjoyed; some deciding to eat it along with their own blood, and some proclaiming they would hatch an eight-foot monster.” - GHOST CITY GHOST CITY

“Placing the brush down, he blew lightly at the ink and smiled. “If I like something, then my heart will not have room for any other, and I’ll always treasure it. A thousand times, a million times, no matter how many years, this will not change. This poem is the same." - thats nice and all but king... get therapy. i actually have further thoughts but tbh i dont want to put them into words bc they are simply too personal! moving on

didnt take any notes but somewhere in here was the bit with mount tong’lu opening and hua cheng losing it and kind of um. hm. that scene. thats another trope i really hate tbh i dont care for it as a way of including physical intimacy between characters and idk if it really ever adds anything but whatever moving on

The Half-Maquillage Woman - kind of interesting monster idea bc women and aging…. yeah. however i think this would be a lot stronger if there were a) more girls and this was b) discussed or illustrated at all prior to this moment. still interesting that its included knowing the author is a woman tho and there’s been comments on how ling wen is perceived vs pei ming. this book does keep giving me hope for interesting female character arcs i really want it to deliver something

quan yizhen..... i get u

lmao i have a note on a bit with lang ying that says “please dont be hc in disguise” and..... my clown nose was on but at least i knew that. for real this is bothering me how much he’s just. always. there. i know he’s a lead but we didn’t really need him around for a lot of this. oh well.  okay now to my current notes

“Yet it was precisely because it wasn’t cooked that it had to be eaten quickly. Once Xie Lian cooked it, it wouldn’t be edible anymore” - fucking fantastic

“Xie Lian hugged his belly. “Of course! Only after having met you did I rediscover that it’s such a simple thing to be happy, hahaha…” Hearing this, Hua Cheng blinked. Xie Lian’s laughter quieted a bit, realizing what he just said was a little too revealing.” - okay i know i said what i said about being tired of hua cheng being everywhere but... the line…. the fact that theyre laughing together…. :pleading:

“It’s not,” Ling Wen said. “At least, I believe, there will definitely not be another in history who can create a dish called ‘Incorruptible Chastity Meatballs’” - and truer words were never spoken

“I, DO NOT WORSHIP GODS. “I, AM GOD!” - this was every bit as badass as i hoped but no one told me it was immediately followed up by a little bit of the ol dinner theater fjalkdsfjsd. also puqi shrine noooooooooo

“Xie Lian sighed as he thought, “Qi Rong has taken Guzi away, who knows if the poor child was eaten or abandoned. Wind Master...... ..... who knows if Black Water took him away. Pray they’re both safe.” yeah hey are we going to fucknig. find out what happened to the child???

and yeah i dooooont really care for the age regression? thing thats going on. i just dont like that trope tbh. but tiny hua cheng whipping out his fat ghost king wallet in the store was funny tho. it is really funny that hualian are just like wandering around some random towns while the heavens are in an uproar. i guess theres not much else to do but its funny

“Me too, me too. You all know of my shixiong, right? Talented, with an infinite future! He only had one small vice: he loved playing women. Decades ago, a little prostitute ghost seduced my shixiong and sucked him dry into human jerky, and that Hua, Hua, Hua, that ghost king dared shelter her.” - yes omg give me the forbidden hua cheng lore i love this for him for real it goes along nicely with xie lian’s principles about giving another cup. god i love shared values

“Hua Cheng poked again, and a small hole appeared on the wall, as if the wall was made of tofu.” - how’d he do that. why is this a ghost king power. its useful tho

*me shaking qi rong when he pops up* WHERE IS THE CHILD

mu qing fu yao is here okay im happy now. once again no one has a good grasp on their secret identity and i love that. this inn has descended into chaos and im delighted and im glad lan chang is back

“The good ol’ kitchen was suddenly squished and crowded, loud and noisy. Fu Yao was chasing that fetus spirit leaping up and down, Lan Chang was chasing after Fu Yao like she had gone mad. Half of Qi Rong’s face changed shape by the way Xie Lian was pressing him down on the chopping board, his back turning into a target for those yellow talismans Fu Yao hurled while being observed by a crowd, and Lan Chang would step on him from time to time.” - this is pure chaos. i love that mu qing was in that room when the mob checked and he didnt say a word didnt open the door just sent out a talisman as a warning. king your disguise is transparent

“Xie Lian remembered the way Feng Xin laughed until he was hoarse when he first heard that verbal password all those years back, and couldn’t help but feel nostalgic, even though it wasn’t the right time.” - awwwww omg im emotional about this... faithful friend feng xin laughing at xie lian’s stupid joke password and remembering it!!! ;_;

“They have, but they’re not effective,” Feng Xin said. “Usually they’re the most diligent in scorning the Palace of Ling Wen, like they could do the job way better if they had the position. Now that we need them to take up the task, not a single one can do even half of what she does.” - typical... typical typical typical

also emotional about the fact that feng xin contacted xie lian at all.....

also!! emotional about lan chang as a mom and wanting to help out sick lil guzi.....

xie lian forcing “fu yao” to let him help “his general” is making me.... what is friendship if not playing along with your buddies little shenanigans while also making them accept your help

“Someone like Mu Qing, even though he’s narrow-minded, petty, sensitive and skeptical, has a bad personality, constantly guessing, doesn’t say nice things, likes to nag, always offending people and has a lot of people who dislike him, has no friends, can remember small, unimportant details for a long period of time…” ”Xie Lian went on in one breath with a straight face, but in the end he concluded with, “...But I’ve known him since we were kids, after all, he’s still got principles.” - XIE LIAN PLEASE AFJDLKSFJDL omg ive seen this quote before but i figured he was talking to someone else not actually to mu qing himself fgjasdkfjsl. god thats amazing. hey im gonna help you out because i care but i will roast you first <3

waaaaaait so is lan chang aka jian lan that girl from book 2 we took a page to talk about and then disappeared? that has to be it why else would we have stopped to discuss her

“Jian Lan spat on his face, then choking his neck, she slapped him twice again. “WHAT SHITTY SUPREME! YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO BLOW YOURSELF UP! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, THINK YOU’RE EVEN WORTH TO BE THOUGHT OF AS EQUALS WITH THE OTHER THREE SUPREMES? WHAT ARE YOU EVEN GOOD AT? YOUR THICK SKIN? OF COURSE I DARE HIT YOU!” - oh this feels so good i cant lie. YES GET HIM!! CHOMPING AND VIOLENCE YES!!!!

okay this description of cuocuo.... im... that sure the hell is a creature

this book is so entertaining bc i already saw spoilers for the feng xin/jian lan/cuo cuo reveal and yet i could never have predicted the circumstances that brought it about. imagine being feng xin. the heavens are in an uproar and your only friend/enemy has been jailed for possible fetus spirit-related crimes but he escapes along with this female ghost who keeps causing problems. you figure “fuck it lets see if dianxia kept his old phone number” and he has but then he hangs up on you. you’ve got fuckall else to do so you go find him. mu qing is there but he’s in his disguise the two of you were using so you could watch over his highness while staying aloof. you think you see hua cheng only he’s a chiild for some goddamn reason but who knows at this point. the female ghost is also there and theres a fetus spirit climbing trees and biting your arrows in half. you realize the female ghost is your ex and the little demon is your son. it bites you. what do you do

amazing that despite everything going on everyone is still playing along with the “fu yao” persona when it would probably be easier to drop pretenses at this point. then again tbh if i could explain my actions to my friends while pretending to be a third party.... i probably would so.. carry on

“With all his devotees gone, only Feng Xin still treated him like the Flower-Crowned Martial God and His Highness the Crown Prince. ” “...his protection charms were all seen as trash. However, Feng Xin was still determined and tireless in handing them out; telling Xie Lian, look, you still have devotees.” “After all, he was the darling of the heavens since birth, high and mighty. Feng Xin so naturally spun around him like he was the world, so how could he possibly have his own life, his own heart” “Whether or not that fetus spirit was Feng Xin’s son, if it was that period of poverty that made Feng Xin lose the girl he loved, Xie Lian wouldn’t be able to forgive himself no matter what." ohhhh my god this relationship i. im...

oh my god i still have 30 more chapters until book 4............ its naptime now i think

[yeocult]

ateez film diary analysis

ok i am currently typing with tears in my eyes but that’s cool!!!! gonna talk about ateez diary film for a moment. btw if you’re here for theories, this might not be for you, my brain is not capable of that critical thinking lmao. although, i will be rambling/analyzing the cinematography and overall admiring the film!! under the cut because this happened to be 1.5k words oops.

man, first of all, 16 minutes?? thank you for the food kq!! i think their concept is super cool. it’s unpredictable, refreshing, and just gives me a lot of high hopes for this comeback. ateez never disappoints, they come back each time stronger and better.

“this is the story where their dimensions are split into eight pieces again.” that kinds hurt me. throughout the film we see clips of them being happy and joyful with each other, but we also see scenes where they’re all alone. they didn’t get separated by losing contacts or whatever, literally dimensions.

phew okay, when the man with the black fedora approaching hongjoong like that was soooo dskjdj ugh i love it when they have a bright light in the back, capturing the silhouette perfectly. sorry i’m such a sucker for those types of shoots!! now hongjoong’s dream. “the world inside a television cannot be reached. the world they live in and the world that i live in is blocked.” yea.. they’re separated from dimensions. isn’t that so heartbreaking?? separated by time and space. 

um this might be a huge stretch, plus i’m horrible at science. i’ve read a lot of articles on where, ‘if time stopped would gravity still apply?’ and i thought of this because of the items floating up around hongjoong. without time, gravity, acceleration, speed and force are simply meaningless, so i guess that’s why it’s floating? as if we’re going back in time. there’s a lot of consequences and weird things on going back in time/time travelling (most famously the ‘bootstrap paradox’) because time is not an object and cannot ‘go’ anywhere at all, not forward, not backward, nor can it stop. so i expected some not so happy events to occur.

anyways moving on to seonghwa’s memory. i loved this. “i thought i lacked in many areas and have much to learn.” then we see a bunch of to-do lists and i guess they’re kinda like goals to accomplish or things he wants to learn. the somewhat long shot of him sitting on this table and the camera moving away from him gave me a sense of isolation (i also don’t know why yeo in the smn box is on the tv but it could mean he’s trapped). we also see him walking straight, kinda like following a straightforward path with a lot of control, hence the to-do lists. then he hits stops. now the girl is the total opposite of seonghwa. she’s dancing, moving, and overall carefree i would say. everything seonghwa is lacking. she’s freedom. i don’t have much to say about this scene but i really like how when he was walking one step at a time, it was completely dark. but as soon as it hits stops and sees her, there were lights.

now my favourite, wooyoung’s choice. that transition to seonghwa’s little emo time to wooyoung’s hyped underground music and dancing was the serotonin boost i needed. let’s talk about his ponytail because it made me a whole simp for him. plus he’s so fucking cool?? if i become a wooyoung biased soon, you know why. he talks about stage fright and the scene where people were looking down at the camera was perfect, low camera shots show dominance or superiority. when you have stage fright, you’re worried and insecure about your abilities (at least that’s how i feel) and with people look down at you is almost like they’re judging and aren’t expecting much from you. ateez brings him courage and reassurance, they give him strength. the last scene with the rain and the flickering light so chilling. its almost like the rain washed away his everything.

yeosang’s time giving me slight dark academia vibes and i’m here for it!!! also bird metaphors?? yes please! “limited freedom. like a bird in a cage.” we see yeosang in a room surrounded by other musicians but he isn’t playing his instrument. almost like he doesn’t wanna be there or has no real passion for this field. hence him talking about ‘expanding his dreams’. we get a close shot at his face looking forward to the right, i feel as if he’s daydreaming or reaching out. taking back to say my name, we have yeosang trapped inside that box, almost like the birds with limited freedom. he drops his violin and suddenly the birds (they symbolize peace, transformation, freedom and power) are free, giving us a scene with his friends. he’s free.

san’s resolution might just be my favourite in terms of cinematography. can we just talk about the long amount of time san has the stay put for the timelapse to work?? the scene wins my heart. now we see the classroom in a mess, meaning school was never enjoyable to san. always moving and no friends. the way he’s moving seems like there’s not much he can do in his life. the escalator scenes kinda look like the one in wonderland. time is always moving, the escalator moving, and san runs back up despite it moving in the opposite direction. im not sure where i was going with this but i thought i was kinda cool, how he’s running back up to be with his friends.

next, we have yunho and his brother. in a matter of seconds, all the light in the studio flicker and turns off. this is quite similar to the flicker lights in wooyoung’s last scene. there’s a pattern here with flickering lights and how it means lost and loneliness. we don’t know what 5:07 mean, maybe its completely relevant but knowing kq and their team, almost everything seems intentional. also i saw on twt (not my analysis) but seonghwa’s to-do list includes a task of learning how to drive, then we get yunho getting hit by a car. not sure where i got from this but i thought i would include it.

actor jongho!!!! he’s so good i love him. ok so we get that basketball was his dreams but due to his broken leg, it seems impossible for him to pursue that dream. we him sitting at a distance, admiring the game and the people who are able to play. but when he’s in the court, he’s all alone (might just be because he can’t go in court when other people are playing but just let me be deep for a second oki). the burning basketball means he cannot play again. then the fight scene between him and mingi. i want to talk about the camera work for a second. it’s unstable, harsh and a little unfocused (because it’s handheld) and it makes it seem like another member’s pov, pushing the realism on us. hmm this might be kinda dumb but the loud bang when mingi got pushed was a little unexpected hence every scene with the boys was all very calm and had music in the back, no sounds. idk just a noticed. ohmygod another silhouette scene with beautiful lighting in the back!!!! the camera is moving away from him, moving away shows weakness. i loveee this so much along with the smoke. his dreams are burning up, literally.

last we have mingi’s diary. “earphones in my ears, the world is mine for now.” again, similar to seonghwa in the dark walking, mingi is isolating himself from the world. he’s using music to escape from reality. mingi looks trapped by the way its shot, cutting off his forehead and lips only showcasing his eyes and nose. this could be his facial features are more important than anything else right now. the camera angle is below mingi, again with the dominance and superiority… because he literally kicked someone. but still the same camera angle except this time mingi is looking up at the sky or forward, not looking down. with that, mingi no longer looks intimidating, he seems slightly vulnerable. and i think that’s really powerful how quickly he transitions despite the same angle. so we know mingi uses music as an escape, “i would rather be alone than encounter the world.” then we see yeosang (by his flannel) taking off his earphones. bringing him back to reality with the boys, and everything seems a lot more peaceful. its kinda like, without his friends, he would rather be isolated. now i want to point how the loud bang from jongho’s shot. it’s literally the same shot but the noise isn’t there indicating that mingi has earphones in (i think even when they’re not literally in, he still shuts out noise), shutting off the noise. i think the little details were so well done. we also get a match cut of mingi blinking, back to the darkness. i think it shows how quickly things can be taken away from you.

MAN THE SCENE WHERE THEY ALL GATHER TOWARDS HONGJOONG JAKJDSJKSDJKSD I CANNOT BREATHE IT GAVE ME SO MUCH CHILLS MYGODDOO !!!!!! like that scene in say my name. gotta love the build up of the song then it drops when the members all show up UGH I LOVED THAT SOO MUCH!! “the memories of short happiness. and dreams broken into pieces” brb gonna cry. the hourglass is finished,, what does this mean? ;o also i cant help but to notice the lighting on how one side is dark and the other has light. this could just be for aesthetics but idkkkk just another notice.

hehe sorry this made no sense,,, anyways that’s all i have to say, i’m so excited for their comeback <33

[tylerwritez]

Tuesday, june 22 2021

I've noticed I'm getting "the shiverys" or "the twitchy" a lot today. Like every time I FEEL something I take a moment to violently tic.... every time I think about certain things I tic.... good things, bad things, things from an hour ago and things from years ago. Tic, tic, tic.

Also, I have... some stuff to explain. Its really no big deal, but you know me: I'll freak out about it anyway. Basically I dissed my friend (rightfully so) around the time that we had just met cos they did something that threw me off.

He saw it in my phone... NOW. it's not RELEVANT anymore and I've since redacted that criticism...and now I gotta explain it to him anwyays. Oh well. I'm good at this stuff. I can get myself outta any situation. I dont even know why I'm talking like this tho... it's not a "Situation" it's just smthn I gotta explain rq.

Oh, today's song recommendation is Spirit Crusher by Death. I'm a huge Death fan...

Also! I gotta study... for my replacement exam. How stressful. Its about photosynthesis, but like, it's not simple. We went DEEP inside those fucking leaves.

One sec, lemme hook up my IV tube

Not an ACTUAL IV tube... just my headphones. But since I'm so #emo, it might as well be a fucking IV tube with the way that I cant live without it.

Its 3:08 and I'm walking home now. I was upset last night but me and Star have made up now lol... it was thAt easy. I'm so defective, making shit hard when it doesnt need to be.

It's so hot out damn. Idk. I had school today, so I had Bio class... I ACTUALLY PAID ATTENTION for once. I had lunch with Star and her friend group, and I honestly kinda feel like they're MY friends now too, even just a little bit.

Actually, I used to rant about feeling lonely like all the time but now I have so many friends it's crazy they all keep inviting me places and it's like people WANT ME AROUND... idk. It makes me happy.

Today I gotta ask if tommroow after school I can go to Bee's house to watch Supernatural (famous homoerotic ghost show)

I should also add songs to Erin's spotify playlist for our picnic saturday which I still need permission to go to.

I gotta ask for Wednesday after school to watch Insidious with Jay  which is apparently really good

Also hes the friend that I gotta explain stuff to... the DrAmA... the ThEaTrE....

Update my dad said yes to hanging out with Bee but first I'm gonna miss school to fix my broken brackets on my braces

Also turns out the house I THOUGHT we were moving into has substantial damage from shifting so... we aRENT moving there.

In case you didn't know, shifting is when like the house that's been built literally SHIFTS like it moves around.

Anwyays Jay just texted me... I'm gonna change into shorts since it's hot, set up my study area,.... and respond to him.

The time is 3:22 p.m.

Wish me. Luck.

Luck is plentiful! As it so often is in my risky, risky life.

I play my cards right. It's a learnt skill.

But also there wasnt much to explain since it passed already and was tiny anywyas.

XD so I've made up with the whole goddamn world by now.

Its 6:31, we saw 1 house. Only one. Its kinda hot out but I'm gonna bike now since we just had supper. I finally finished my homework... I just have to finish one mixed media piece as my final project for art!

Friday is my replacement. On photosynthesis and cell resp. We know this. But what I didn't mention, or I dont THINK I did, is that if I finish my art project before then I have the second block FREE!!! Me, Star, and her friend

A are planning to leave for second block and maybe get mint chocolate chip ice cream!

Also I might eat her out XD

Anyways idk. I hope I can bike tonight to call Jay.

I keep accidentally using people's real names here then having to correct it... I dont know how much i care about MY identity being discovered... but to have my friends doxxed would suck.

Man I feel bad abt saying fuck star last night cos we made up....

Wait we r looking at another house? Idk I'm in the car still waiting to go home

Oh wait no now we r goin home

Its 6:39... I hope I still have time.

I went biking, called Jay. Went home. Idk, friendly conversation... we talked more tonight and I also talked to my other friend A. Jay is... I LOVE HIM?? SO MUCH??? I feel so happy. Talking to him thinking about him seeing his STUPID FUCKING FACE JESUS. his eyes alone... I could stare at his face all day probably. I want to kiss him... hOLD HIS HAND... omg... huG HIM!!! Eofjwpxjwie he's so sweet like I can't even... and I'm proabably not good enough for him like. Wtf. Hes easily a 10. And I dont rate things outta 10. How tf do I end up with HIM? Doing stuff, as friends. Like wHAT. I guess I got lucky XD. He says he loves my personality and I'm hot XD ofc I dont see it myself. But like. JESUS CHRIST he could proabably easily pull whOever. XD me?

Whatever though. As long as we r together and stuff. I LOVE HIM A LOT. he said he loved me. Every time he says that it makes me so overly happy.

Maybe I'm just sappy and stuff.... whatever. I think it would be nice to be hugged by him.

Yeah I'm cheesy.

I'm sorta tired now so maybe I'm not writing the best.

I just keep thinkinf about love. Love is a muscle of evil suggestion. But how evil can it really be? I am just a human being and that is all. Everything else is applied. I am just a human being with soemthing in my heart that pulls me all over the place. Love is this strange thing because I'm fucked up and to be able to love without that fucked up part of me, without the damage... is this complicated, hard thing to do and I can NEVER tell if I'm doing it right but I know I'm DOING IT. I know I FEEL LOVE. And soemtimes it's such an intense thing like when you go to surf on a wave at the beach with ur belly but u hit it wrong and it's so big and overwhelming it washes over you and PULLS you down to the bottom and smushes your face into the sand and YOU CANT BREATHE jesus Christ it's like that.

Or maybe I just want to experience love as it should be felt.

Obviously all of my problems surrounding this Damage could be easily fixed if I went to therapy but. there are reasons I can't.

I LOVE a lot. Too much for my own good. Enough to hurt me, get me into trouble, etc etc but also... enough to liberate me. I LOVE. I love Jay. So much. LIKE. MY BRAIN ORBITS AROUND HIM CONSTANTLY THINKING OF HIM AND PRAISING HIM AND MWUAH HE IS SO LOVELY I BOW BEFORE HIM...

I think as much as I love, a lot of the times I tend to focus even more on BEING loved.

If I am told I am loved, and shOwN I am loved... it is one of the most powerful things. Especially since I was literally emotionally neglected in childhood... yeah. I feel like I'm always trying to fill that hole.

Not EVERY feeling I have is for that reaosn but sometimes, if you tell me you love me, show me you love me, hug me,... I'll like start crying,,, that's the childhood emotional neglect kicking in. If you call me #smol and #cute and say I look young and fragile which happens more often than you'd think XD, I know I'm not supposed to like that shit, so I act like I dont....but I do. Which is PROBABLY ALSO THE CEN 🤪  like whatever lol

Anwyays I'm fucked up

You see how quickly things become complicated in my mind?

Convoluted? Is that the word?

Whatever. I OVERCOMPLICATE THINGS COS I OVERTHINK THEM BECAUSE I'm LITERALLY MENTALLY ILL IN SO MANY DIFFERENT WAYS. I'm not joking. I obviously have unresolved undiagnosed "issues"

I do Suspect things, though.

I can make a list

Maybe I shouldn't.

Maybe I will.

I shouldnt.

Whatever.

I used to hate when people brought up my self harm. I would actually panic. I still self harm but now? Now I'm fine with anyone  talking about it as long as it's not an adult who can get me into trouble/force me into therapy over it. Because really? I kinda like having it mentioned. It's kinda validating and it's like hey... people can see that I'm sick.

I dont do it so people talk to me about it though. Dont get me wrong. If I did, I'd go vertically on the arms, not for suicide but so it healed and people would ask XD.

My scars are actually VERY hidden... cos I never intended for ANYONE to see. But for those who DO see them,,,, it's nice soemtimes to have people express concern.

I dont wanna be PITIED or anything, but idk I just think to myself "wow, they're CONCERNED... about ME... they arent angry or mean... they didnt yell at me or threaten me... they respect my autonomy and privacy...

And they CARE ABOUT ME..." and it makes me cry.

That's also the CEN.

I dont know. I just like when people express genuine concern. Even if they see and then just ask if I'm okay. That's all it takes cos then I go wow.

Its validating and irs lovely because finally people care... FINALLY PEOPLE CARE. FINALLY I GET SOME EMPATHY OR SYMPATHY AND NO ANGER.

Even just having them brought up tells me its noticeable enough

My brain does this thing where it thinks nothing bad that's ever happened to me was Bad Enough for me to be upset about.

And I dont know... its nice sometimes to be told shit like "omg that looks so bad" or to see that people who do see my cuts are somewhat shocked or revolted... it's nice because I go... "hey, it was bad enough for them..."

Or to have people comment on them with concern. Just ANYTHINT WHERE PEOPLE NOTICE IT AND ARENT ASSHOLES ABOUT IT IS VALIDATING.

Because I'm not used to that...

Because CEN

I'm. The worst perosn on the fucking planet.

I should kill myself.

I suddenly actually feel so self hating I do want to kill myself... oh god.

I ruin everything. Everything. Everything. Everything. What have I done. Like. Why. Oh god.

I'm just remembering when Star said my kindness seemed like an act. And how I've been called out for seeming fake like 2 other times.

DO I SEEM FAKE???? I DONT EVER PUT ON ACTS OF KINDESS.... CONCIOUSLY? but the very idea that I could be perceived that way...

Should I like not try to be nice or some shit?

Jesus christ she hurts my feelings even now when it was a long time ago.

But I cant blame her. I can't blame anyone for how i feel except my parents because they left me with fucking. Heart nerve damage or some shit.

I'm tired and now I'm sad too. Goodnight guys.

[unloved-cadillac]

Firstly to start off with, ummm a white kurtan, yes please, I know this bitch looks good whatever hes wearing, so it dont matter, BUT THE BLACK TANK TOP OOFFFF YOU BETTER STOP, ITS NOT GOOD FOR MY HEALTH. But moving on, I've finished reading the whole thing now, and I'm writing this in notes, so if you're getting thing like 40 minutes later it's because I'm drafting my ask. Basically I'm just gonna skim read it again and just give you my thoughts and any feedback, if that's okay with you, you can ignore this if you want to, I completely understand. I dont mind at all 😊😊

Ok to start off with, the exposition was really good, you've set the tone and introduced the Ackerman family really beautifully. When I read it initially the fact that Levi did not want a family or to get married was quite emphasised upon to me, and I'm really looking forward for the inevitable development and how his view changes as the chapters go on. I also love how you introduced Farlan and Isabel, and lightly touched upon how they met, you didnt go into too much detail and I really like that, it kept me focused on the actual story itself, which is about Levi and not Farlan. And Farlan wanting tto marry her 😢😢. I think it's really really sweet and I cant wait to see more of them. I love it so much.

The transition from setting the scene to their father being poisoned was not something I was expecting and made me go oh shit he dead. Part of me felt like it was moving too quick, but the other part of me loved the shock factor of it since it happened so suddenly. I didnt think of it as too big of an issue though, it was still enjoyable to read.

The whole encounter with the peasant guy made me wonder just how many more people there are like him, that dislike the Ackermans and would try to kill them. And whether y/n would be one of them. Also I got a bit confused as to who was speaking whether it was Farlan or Levi, but I read the sentence again and it was fine, I understood, so maybe I was just being a dumb bitch.

Oooh a quick point Levi sympathising with the criminal was really touching and made me feel warm and gooey. It shows that hes not a dick and does actually care about his people. But it also shows he has clear boundaries and is really firm. He will make a great leader in the future.

YESSS BODYGUARD ERWINNN!!!!! I WAS LITERALLY TELLING MY FRIEND THE OTHER DAY, ERWIN AND LEVI BODYGUARD AU IS THE BESTT. YES SWEETIE UGH ITS FANTASTIC. IVE SAID THIS BEFORE BUT IM SAYING IT AGAIN I LOVE IT.

Carrying on, I love the whole Erwin/Levi/Farlan interaction, of course Erwin knows everything, why wouldnt he, hes a boss ass bitch. Also again, reaffirming that Levi does not want a wife, nOicE. Really builds up his future development.

The difference in Levi's and Farlan's reaction is comical. Ones there waving and smiling and the other ones there like fuck off leave me alone. ALSO WHOEVER SAID THEY'LL GIVE UP THEIR VIRGINTY SAME GURLL SAMEEE, I WOULD TOO YOURE NOT ALONE. AND YES FARLAN IT IS FUNNY, IT MADE ME LAUGH.

Awww the people are so nice, offering things for free, that's how you know you're loved by your people, I rate it, rate Levi sm.

Okay my guy, imma need you stop for a second and relax. Taking your top of??? And your scarf??? Okay big man, I see you, I see you, looking fine af. Ahhh I love imagining this in my brain, so stimulating.

Anyways, Y/N'S HERE NOWWW YES BITCHHH IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE, TURN IT UPPPP.

Nanaba being my sister is absolutely exquisite *chefs kiss*. I really thought you'd maybe put Petra, and then Petra would like Levi as well, but no its Nanaba and I fucking love her so so much. Also not really relevant, but I dont have any older sisters, but I do have older cousin sisters and I call my favourite one didi mooni (I think that's how you spell it, or muni idk) and yeah it just reminded me of her. I haven't seen her in so so long because of the pandemic and I miss her :(

Ah. So. Y/N does hate the royals. I wanna know why?? Does she think they're overrated?? A bad experience maybe?? Everyone else seems to love them. I'll just have to wait and see I guess.

ALSO PLEASE TELL ME THE LITTLE KID WAS MIKASA!!! IM HOPING SO SO MUCH ITS MIKASA, IT PROBABLY ISNT BECAUSE SHES AN ACKERMAN HERSELF BUT I CAN STILL HOPE!!! SHES SO CUTEEE AND ADORABLE AWWWW WEVIIII 🥺🥺🥺

THEY SELL TEAAA AHHH ITS A LOVE STORY BOUND TO HAPPEN. AND HE HASNT TRIED THEM YETT!!!! YES OMGGG TEA DATES, THEY CAN BOTH SIT DOW AND SHE CAN INTRODUCE HIM TO NEW SHITT AHHHH MY HEARTTTT 🥰🥰🥰IM GETTING WAYYYY AHEAD OF MYSELF.I need to calm down.

The whole meeting with Levi and Y/N was so adorable. It felt really short and I want more, but its okayyy, hopefully there are more chapters. Them locking eyes, him following her to get the leaves, HIM HELPING HER PICK UP THE BLOODY LEAVES, THE HAIR PART REMINDS ME OF IN BOLLYWOOD MOVIES WHEN THE PROTAGS HAIR GETS STUCK IN THE GUYS WATCH OR THEIR DUPATTA OR SOMETHING. OMGG Y/N IS ONE LUCKY BITCH.

Also since you havent specified the race of y/n, just wanted to ask is she Indian?? Or it it unspecified?? You wrote that she blushed bright red and many dark skinned readers wont be able relate. So yeah I'm not too sure whether that was intentional or not, I'm sorry if I'm mistaken though. I mean no harm at all.

Farlan's relationship with Levi is just beautiful, like I know I'm using the word beautiful a lot, but their broship is immaculate. Something else that I love.

Both Levi and Y/N not wanting to get married is hilarious. I really like how you've characterised her, shes really fierce, independent and seems really kind and caring as well. I really like this Y/N, very family oriented.

If I was her dad I would've taken the money. 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️ Not complaining about it because my dad would've done the exact same thing, but if I was him I wouldve taken it. Sis is broke, sis needs all the money she can get.

Both parties questioning Levi and Y/N is hilarious, fucking Erwin, I love him so much I stg. I'd sacrifice my life for him. Hes best boy 😇😇

I feel like this is really really long already so I'll quickly sum everything up, if you got this far you deserve a clap on the back and a medal, because I've basically just waffled. I really really enjoyed this chapter, it was very good in terms of introductions and getting to know the characters, I loved the initial meeting between levi and y/n and it did make my heart flutter quite a bit so that's that. I dont have any complaints really, just small minor things I've mentioned before and that's it. I really look forward to the coming chapters!!! Thank you so so much for writing it. Please make sure you're taking regular breaks and keeping hydrated and healthy. Thanks sweetie xxx 🥰🥰🥰

I’ve read this WHOLE thing..twice. I can’t stop smiling omf you’re so sweet! But, yeah minor shit I didn’t mention and I left it up to reader. Like the skin tone, sheesh. I don’t want any problems with that, I just said red blush to signify embarrassment. Reader is reader no matter what.

Aren’t we all broke af? But I liked the idea of the father being humble about it. Lol. Idk.

I don’t want to get into too much detail because that will obviously ruin the story but I love your ideas. Tea dates?! How cute! Erwin is the best, of course. He knows ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) and he’s the kind of person who would follow his princes no matter what. Till the end, you know?

As I said, highly inspired by Bollywood movies lol.

You took your time and wrote all of this and I’m so fucking happy that you did. I can’t wait for all of you to see the upcoming chapters. I hope that you’re staying happy and hydrated as well. Also, happy Shivratri! (If you celebrate for it) and to everyone else celebrating.

-Caddy.

[cardboardboxcomplex]

ok since i’m awake and useless, might as well

it’s 4AM on a monday at this point and i do *not* want to go to work. but i have to hhrghshfd HAAAAAA ok breathe . i skipped last week’s shift that i was supposed to go to the lab. i completely disappeared for the *third* time during my two-week wfh shift before that. when we were supposed to do the third quarter report, and the proposal. which are the hardest reports to do, bc they’ll be the basis for renewal next year. but i just ... disappeared again and did not open my emails or messages. again. after i did that twice before. and i had to go through the process of like apologizing to everyone for my absence, and i even decided to tell everyone that i have depression cos i dont know how to explain it ! why am i like this ! and i know it’s not an excuse, and i told them that too. but i just hate everything . okay i think im getting to word dump now. how many times am i going to be so incapable and incompetent? i hate myself so much cos my brain is so fried and i dont want to deal with anything . when was the last time i actually thought deeply or whatever or like read a journal article. and i dont even know what im supposed to be doing anymore.  i feel so sad. oh im crying ok. like im thinking of myself and how do i go on with life, what am i supposed to be doing, what kind of path should i be making. i hate this because i lost years of my life and i keep losing more time. and omfg right the paper. man i didnt even reply to sir’s emails either, and i know ate yana and josh had talked and i was supposed to be there too because im supposed to be the main one to finish her thesis for publication, and it’s already been a year? since she left the lab. had i done anything? i did not

and tomorrow is nov 10, and im supposed to do thesis updates ......... how the fuck am i gonna do that. and i had already missed the first time i was scheduled, bc well the same thing happening now. i was wfh (supposedly) and ate isay had to say my internet connection isnt stable. which wasnt a lie, but it was bc i didn’t do anything. i dont know what im supposed to come up with tomorrow. or if i can postpone it again. SEE THIS IS EXACTLY IT HOW MANY TIMES AM I GONG TO BE INCAPABLE AND INCOMPETENT

i dont know like im scared of being in the lab too and all i wanna do is stay in my room 

but you know what i dont even like my room. i miss my old room, i miss all my books, i miss all the memories i left there as in the physical things i’ve kept because i keep everything. full on bawling now. i miss having everything i’ve kept near me, with me. i miss my desk, i miss having one. and i hate my room because i haven’t cleaned my room in MONTHS. idk since march, since quarantine started? i can barely see the floor and i have to walk around all the bags with all stuff thrown in them. and honestly im just desensitizing (?) myself bc if i think too much if i look too closely im gonna throw up and i hate it i hate it . on that note i’ve been thinking i might in a constant state of dissociation, or at least a shallow one? i never thought i really dissociated bc i didnt really get the feeling of being apart from your body. but because it��s been going on for so long it didn’t even register to me that i’m dissociating because it feels normal or the baseline. and my memory recall is so bad, i don’t remember what happened the previous day. why? because i’m not even doing anything. or idk. also my attention span is non-existent. but the memory thing bothers me because i dont even know if i remember things from before before, in the past, not recently

before i forgot about the room, i was supposed to have pest control last oct 20? and it was scheduled like first week of october so i knew it was coming. but did i clean my room? in those weeks between? i didnt. i’d been putting it off exactly because my room is a mess and id ont want anyone to come in like this. so i had to postpone that too, and the next one is tomorrow. did i clean my room since then? no. what have i been doing? i dont know either. literally rotting away. and i feel so bad cos i m not even doing anything. i dont even know what. i cant get myself to do anything

what if someone helps me clean? i don’t want anyone to help me clean because i dont want anyone to see my room. ate isay was supposed to help me on that sunday or monday before oct 20 but the plan was i was going to start cleaning saturday so at least if she comes up to help, it wouldnt be so disgusting. but yeah i did not clean. and now it’s november. you know the last time i ironed my clothes? september. last year. september 1, 2019. i remember because that was jungkook’s birthday, but also i was ironing when i got the messages from someone when they were leaving me and didnt want (?) to be friends with me anymore. and that broke me really bad. but not the point rn. 

i dont know what else im thinking. oh i miss my friends. kosestream, if you’re reading this, yes i’m thinking of you too, and i’m really sorry. im so sorry ive kept disappearing on you guys for months. i’ve missed you and so many parts of your life, and im really really i wasnt there. and bc i don’t talk with you often, and with my awful memory, i also forget what’s been going on and it makes me feel awful because like i miss all these things about you? i always thought that i had kept tabs on everyone well, paying attention to what you’re doing, ask how things are with you, and now i dont. and im sorry. i always miss you so much, and i love you, and i dont know if that still means anything to you, but it’s still there. so thank you for inviting me to play among us, i liked hearing your voices. and i know you were worried about me (if im wrong this is embarrassing please ignore this) and were trying to cheer me up / offering your support/presence/love/shoulder/hug idk. so thank you. it meant a lot to me (but im sorry my internet was awful. honestly that stressed me out so much and i was gonna give up because i felt annoying and like a huge bother) but okay thank you 

and it’s the same with irl friends, missing things. i thought of it once as everything passing (by) me. like when neos had left for germany, i wasnt there. why? because i was rotting away at home doing nothing. i didnt even get to say goodbye. and just the same with everyone, i havent been talking with anyone. there are so many messages i’ve gotten i haven’t (didn’t) replied to, and it’s like god how are they. 

what else. ah there’s another thing i’ve thought of. but idk i’ll write that next time 

it’s monday, and it’s almost 5am now, i’m supposed to go to work. i have to text ate isay if she’s gonna pass by and pick me up. but i havent slept because i completely fucked up my sleeping schedule. and my room is still a mess. no i did not even try cleaning it even though i had been thinking about it literally every single day. should i just not sleep or should i try getting like an hour of sleep , and hope i wake up (actually, would love to not wake up, ever)

09 Nov 2020, M, 05:02 BTS – Butterfly (Alternative Mix)