#idk it’s upsetting sometimes it rlly is
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#I mean I am on both the aromatic and asexual spectrums#and I do already refer to myself as Angled Aroace#but like there have been times where I've felt that attraction#not often but sometimes#I mean I call myself queer#but I wouldn't wanna like give anyone false hope by SAYING I'm queer#incase they think I am gay or bi (or rlly any orientation that they might have a shot with)#like I don't want someone to make a move the get upset#bc I said I'm queer even tho I'm primarily on the aspec (with some v rare instances of attraction yes)#like love and sex and stuff like that is so heavily centered in the queer community and rlly just society as a whole#that I feel like if I just say I'm queer that me being aspec won't even be on their radar#and ik I shouldn't care what ppl think#but I just hate when ppl are upset me and it feels like it'd be such an awkward situation to be in#and I don't have the time or the energy to explain wtf it means to be an “omni-oriented aroflux greysexual” yk?????#honestly I barely consider myself omni-oriented nowadays#not as much as I did#I just don't rlly feel the attraction often enough to use the term or identify w it#it's mostly to explain the attraction I felt more in the past#or thought I felt#idk.#anyway#aroace? not aroace?#I don't wanna like appropriate the term but it feels like the most concise word I can use w/o feeling like a complete and utter liar.#aroace#aspec#tumblr polls#queer
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(Commiseration anon) I ALSO didnt know about the plagiarism scandal bc I ALSO have that tag filtered I only just found out bc I was searching through someone ELSE's blog for a fic rec post and then I found one of the asks about proving they wrote their fics and I was like. What on earth is going on in the House of Commons.
The way f1blr is like (mutual - mutual in law - blocklist the size of the pacific - mutual once removed) should be STUDIED tho
wait anon if that ship isn’t the one that had a bunch of fics privated for you… was it a variety of ships that went missing? now i’m curious…
but yeah i was twice removed (at Least) from the asks so imagine my bemused confusion when i saw people joking abt Not getting this infamous ask when i had never seen it in the first place.
and akdhskhdkshd truly… it’s always so funny when i go into the replies of like a Beloved Mutual and bam. “some replies may be filtered” or whatever message tumblr gives you when someone you’ve blocked / been blocked by is in the replies. esp when you can only see the mutual’s reply and they’re like “omg <333 love you <333” and you’re like oh wow…
#i really do need to start noting why i blocked people.#would love a built in tumblr function for that#cuz sometimes it’s ’made a joke i didn’t appreciate after a tense race while i was on my period’#and sometimes it’s ’explicitly violent hater of a blorbo’#like if u made a silly goofy after idk. austria . entirely possible i blocked u. for less than reasonable reasons#if u say something violent (or like. wildly delusional in an upsetting way) abt My Guys (or anyone rlly) then it’s over FOREVER.#saw some crazy takes on the fyp abt how oscar’s contract is gonna guarantee him 1st driver status next year (like. what.)#and then i clicked on the blog and they were criminally stupid and legitimately unhinged#like. spreading genuinely insane life ruining anonymous gossip submissions alongside leaked photos as fact#that’s not just a block that’s a i hope u [redacted] yk. ANYWAYS.#ask
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once in 3 months i make the mistake checking the like rb ratio and considering deleting my blog and just move to twt but this will pass right hahah just like my need to pull kirara hmmmmm
#sorry that my art isnt neat enough to be rb like fr im trying idk what else to do anymore hah#usually i dont care about this anymore but sometimes i rlly do make the mistake checking numbers and getting depressed about my skills#even tho i know that ppl rb my art doesnt say anything about my worth but damn it rlly is upsetting#anw#ill go play ts4 for the next 2 weeks now or smth idk bye lmaoo#personal#tbd#ignore me btw ill prob get over it quickly and jsut do my thing not looking again once i calmed down hah#anw thanks to the ppl who actually rb my stuff or leave kind words if it wasnt for u i prob would have stopped sharing my doodles long ago#so thanks for the support!!! <3
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last night i had a mix of tinnitus and sleep deprivation induced auditory hallucinations which was basically just like. literal microphone feedback. and i think it was triggered by me testing my microphone yesterday bc the feedback was awful but yeah i was lying awake and all i could hear was extremely loud microphone feedback in my brain i'm so glad it's over 😭
#worst hallucination i've ever had#like usually if i'm bad enough to get hallucinations it's just like murmuring/whispering but i can tell it's not real#worst ones i've had before is like screaming and that's only if i'm rlly sleep deprived. sometimes knocking on my door too but#it's never too bad yk. but the mic feedback hallucination was unbearable 😭#but also i've had olfactory hallucinations where i smell cigarette smoke#ik it's definitely a hallucination bc no one in my family smokes and it only lasts a minute#ykw typing this out i'm starting to think maybe this isn't normal.#i don't think i'm schizophrenic or anything? this isn't that common and it's usually triggered by sleep deprivation or stress#but i did start having delusions the other day where i fully believed everyone was plotting against me and trying to upset me#and i have had extreme paranoia/paranoid episodes in the past but it's been a lotttttt better this year so idc if that's related#but idk if these things are normal to an extent or if i have some kind of psychotic disorder but whatever it's not affecting me that bad so#like. it's not having a big impact it's just scary when it happens. i have like anxiety n shit so idk if i'm just prone to being paranoid#anyway if anyone knows abt these things pls tell me if i'm normal or not 😁#i'm 99% sure it's not schizophrenia or anything i just want someone's opinion bc idk how normal hallucinations are ☹#but it's typically if i'm like. stressed out to the point of panic attacks or if i'm rlly sleep deprived. so it might be normal ish#ask to tag#< sorry ik discussion of this stuff could potentially be distressing but idk how to tw tag it :(
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#i havent been wanting to get out of bed in the morning at all lately :((#i just dont want to :((#today i should be going to the gym w my mom nd then stop by the store nd library#tmrw i have to go to school#but omg i rllyyyyy dont want to i wanna cry#i feel like skipping it today even if then i dont get the book i wanna read bc they'll send it back today#plus there r some things i'd like to get at the store. but ugh i just wanna stay in bed and stay in my room#and i had an unpleasant dream of my school years :/#i dream of that and my class all the time and it fills me w such anxiety :(#stuff like that. that anxiety most ppl fill me w. reminds me how badly i only want to be w him#but maybe it's ruined now. bc of miscommunication.... i havent even dared checking the app#bc im sooooooo scared to open it and be met w the unread sign. that he hasnt even seen my messages#that'll hurt me so much so i just dont even open the app. now i have no idea if he's seen it or not nd thats all i can deal with atm#it makes me so sad tho bc if he rlly wanted to he could have me. and i have such a big heart w sm love to give to someone :((((#he's like the one person i've met who fills me w calm instead of that anxiety#which is somewhat funny to say bc he also makes me so sad sometimes :(( nd frustrated#but ohhh even now all i can think abt is being w him nd having a future. even if idk if nd when we'll even simply talk again skskksksk#sighhhhhh i was so happy to have talked to him almost every day the past week... i have things i wanna share w him constantly!!!!! but then#i ofc made a mistake w i always do. i just wish ppl could come to me nd talk abt it instead of just getting upset and pulling away :((
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Ngl i have nothing but despair in my heart at the idea that almost every relationship i have is nothing but transactional. I completely understand that this is how some people operate and thats fine but i wish it wasnt literally always like that.
I dont anymore wish to hear that you need a reason like a shared interest to be friends- that i have value because im an amazing coworker- that i understand how you function and im understanding so its great to talk to me- etc, etc.
I want to go back to kindergarten logic where we ask each other to be friends and thus create an unspoken alliance against the world.
I literally couldnt care less that i have value in the things i do or my skills, or because i can listen to people speak about what they like. I want to know if i can be myself around you
#lorisys#the other day i realized a coworker that i like is fond of me bc im great to work with and not bc she thinks we could be friends#idk why it made me so upset i got rlly badly suicidal like i hadnt in a while. im better now#most of the time im vibing but sometimes it hits a bit harder#everyone who i have wronged rejoice. i assume it is the consequence of my actions and feel rightfully punished
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Deadly combination of two ppl living together is one person who never wants to make their mental illness symptoms somebody else’s problem, even when they really should be making it somebody else’s problem bc they need help, and the other person is someone who will not stop making their mental illness symptoms everyone else’s problem regardless of the consequences
#y’all I’ve HAD IT lmao#trying to be helpful and maintain boundaries at the same#time is exhausting#this bitch doesn’t even knock on my bedroom door before she walks in tho so wtf am I saying about boundaries tbh#like also I’m still not over having been parentification by her as a child so it’s like#sorry mom I cannot shoulder your new emotional burden today. I do hope you feel better tho#she always gets upset that I’m not willing to listen to her problems#read: she will walk up and just start venting for 40 min without checking in or anything#and if I get upset about it I’m the bad guy#she’s like well shouldn’t our relationship be equal#which actually just means why am I not willing to be her sole source of emotional support which. jesus#but also. like no you’re my mom!!! it was never going to be 100% equal bc you’re the parent! in case you’ve forgotten!!#also she’s terrible at listening to me talk about my problems so???#but she says it’s bc I get offended too easily#which idk man she just says stupid shit when I’m upset and I get so overstimulated that it’s rlly easy for it to send me into a meltdown#I know I’m not easy to help sometimes like I get it!#I’m very aware#she just feels. so entitled to my time and space and energy and ALWAYS has. since I was a child.#but she seems to think shes p much OWED that bc she pays some of my expenses#idk man. I’m tired#vent#personal
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haruka should be allowed to be mad at kiryu tbh
#not just in y6 but like all the time#dont get me wrong i LOVE them and i love them being sweet and happy and i love kiryu being a good dad ok#but kiryu is uh. not always the best. in ways that i think she should be upset about#and i think the canon narrative doesnt rlly wanna address that bc kiryu is trying so hard and that effort must be forgiven#and for a happy ending to occur the family must be reunited#and i get that but like. haruka's side of the story is often ignored completely#or else boils down to unconditional daughter love in ways that are supposed to be admirable#and again. i love these two dearly. i love them very very much. but i think that tension should be explored#their relationship would be Very Complex and i think it would be Messy tbh. not like screaming fighting per se but i think haruka should be#allowed some moments of Uncle Kaz Im Sick Of Your Shit type stuff#im not even sure why i feel this way specifically bc i know i used to have reasons for it but like. yeah#even if you dont think haruka's justified or that she's missing some details/perspective or whatever i think she should be hurt and upset#about some of The Bullshit. baby girl needs therapy she needs some support and sometimes kiryu just. idk.#anyway go listen to welly boots by the amazing devil. thats basically my thesis statement#look maybe I'm just projecting my own daddy issues or whatever idk. maybe more people should do that with them like. shit#I'll do it someday I'll make that content i swear#sorry thinkjng about the unconditional daughter love again. she's kind of an ideal. she's a fantasy sometimes of a daughter figure who will#always understand how hard you're trying and be cute and love you no matter what. does that make sense??? and it's like. like i almost feel#bad for knocking that bc i get parents are under a lot of stress but i think she should have that power and that agency to be upset with#him. idk if im making sense. she's reduced to the Ideal Daughter and i want her to be loving and kind but with some moments of bitterness
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i need to go to sleep im far too sleepy and overwhelmed to exist rn i need a hug
#im struggling folks i rlly just wanna be taken care of so i don't have to think anymore#sometimes i get so tired or overwhelmed or upset that my mind stops and i can't do anything at all#idk what that's about. i have issues.#vent post#im so tired this sucks
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hii how have you been?
i miss my family 🧍♀️
#my mom sent me a video about once your child leaves the mom also needs them#to like be there for them when their mom is stressed when their mom misses them#and i cried for a bit bc i argued with my mom a lot#we didnt see eye to eye but i really do think my mom still thinks of me as her little girl#bc despite not being as close i am to my mom compared to my dad i felt like i had so much burdens for being the eldest and girl#so sometimes i would get upset that my brother would get some special treatment from my mom#idk now i just rlly miss her cuz i miss actly waking up to have brekkie w her#i rlly missed cooking w her b4 i didnt like it bc i thought it was bothersome but now i miss it a lot and her cooking !!!#one of my roommates are husband and wife and i helped cut up the onions and garlic for her bc she started crying from the onions#and then i just completely rmbrd how many times my mom would ask me to help her cook and it makes me miss jmy family !!#i dont rlly get homesick often but i have been in a few arguments w my husband but its like those small quarrels where we're both#tired stressed n feeling defeated like there was no wrong but mentally tapped out#i feel hella lonely tbh ion have many friends outside from me talking to my roommates or my coworkers#and i go once a month to my friends thats an hour and half away but i never mind the travel bc their family treats me well#im supposed to go today but our plans got cancelled and since the travel is far i usually sleepover we were gonna watch a movie !!#we were gonna go watch the mario movie but i might go by myself w my teddy bear#or i'll ask my coworker maybe#but yeah other than that im just trying to survive xoxo im so tired#im also getting so much free cosmetics skincare and fragrances at work that i cant even use all of it#tha shit is displayed on my shelves just cuz#but so excited for my smau heheheheh#༊*·˚ koca has heard your wish#༊*·˚ a kiss of blessing#༊*·˚ a wish upon a goddess#༊*·˚ freddie <3
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every day i think abt gettin 2 slide into a girls lap n tuck my head under her chin. n gettin 2 hear her breathe n feel her kiss the top of my head. in case u were wondering
#🍯#at some point when were physically 2gether more m gonna broach the topic of a properly open relationship w my gf#bc i love them SO MUCH#n if they said no i wouldnt rlly b upset#but i crave physical intimacy n they dont rlly#which#they do hold my head n kiss the back of my hand n sometimes let me curl up into their side n throw my legs in their lap#a small handful of times theyve been comfortable w hugs#which is rlly sweet bc i Know they dont love that but they also know how much i need it#so we compromise n idk every time it makes my heart burst#but also if they let me i wanna b able 2 get More intimacy#n i have so much love 2 give#idk idk idk#smth 2 discuss at some point#not a pressing issue now#but well talk abt it just 2 see :)#anyway. back 2 doin this fucking CHEM
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Assumption: you are the type to get upset about not getting something even though you never asked for it.
mmmmm i think sometimes i can be, yeah, but not usually. obvi i know that i have to ask for things i want but also m rlly bad at asking for things bc bad brain but i don’t usually get upset at someone else but sometimes i’ll get rlly upset at myselfffff for not bein able to ask but then also feeling sad bc i’ll feel guilty for still feelin sad even tho it’s not fair to feel sad because i never asked in the first place.
send assumptions u have about me
#m so sorry my edibles just hit n m kinda rlly high n idk if this made sense but !!#like ya my brain has rlly irrational emotional responses to stuff that i can’t controlllll#but i try not to get upset outwardly at other bc of them u know#but m also not perfect n sometimes i’ll get upset#anywaysssss
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#now i am absolutely playing and spinning the wheel of . am i going to get sad abt That .#i was a lil bummed abt it yesterday . byt at some point i think i did realise theres probsbly a reason#bc . there was absolutwly divine play happening yesterday . oh my fucking god .#but . anyway having to like rlly pull myself away formcthat glass is having . a negative . distortion#in my brain of some form idk. i cant talk abt it vut im trying to just .#bc while im typing this out and . stringing words tgth that makr No Sense to nayone#egen me sometimes#my brains doing some kind ofnsorting anf its . good? bc itd actually working through what the issue is or wtv. even if whats cominf#outbof my mouth or in text form makes no fucking sense#bc i know whats going on up there. i know that what im saying is helping some kind of dot and pattern so i can get over#whatever thr fuck is upsetting me . bc atp im not . ipset aby anything fucking NEW anymorem#im still putting away my past toys and knives!!!!! why !!!!! why am i still closing doors on old cycles ajd wounds !!!!#50/50 i have been ignoring it and not doing it properly . 50/50 theres stuff i havent been allowed to actually#heal from or access yet regardless. n i do see why ! bc i think abt how ive felt w some of these revelations#and know if id come to this or saw thus or WHATEVER 1 2 or even 4 months ago . provably wouldve done smth drastic . bc i keep slmost#fucking doijg dhit n i just . im not supposed to this time. i know that.#my job is to sit down and shut up. im supposed to docthis (mostly) on my own and without doing whay#my stupid ego wants to do >:( die
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Erm !! Lil rant in da tags bc !! Erm !!
#idk but i feel like im going in the right direction for once#i feel like i struggled for so long with so many things#and a lot of it was me but i feel like this year rlly gave me space to grow#and i have grown. i think i get to say that#im not longer lonely and sad and angry all the time. like if you compared me to who i was four years ago you would be shocked#im a lot more confident. i feel comfortable accepting ppls friendship and whatever that entails. i dont get upset as easily#i mean even just comparing me to my senior yr of highschool. or even last year#and i think a large part of that is that things dont feel so one-sided anymore. like its not just me anymore#im not the only one helping out at home anymore so i can finally focus on myself#and ive made so many great friends that have opened me up like some kind of oyster#like the amount of times ive been called an extrovert is crazy bc i have NEVER been called that before#and i rlly think its thanks to all these wonderful people who have given me a chance and a space to be unapologetically me#even if its weird or freaky or sometimes a little off#i spent a long time inside myself bc i was scared but as time goes on i feel that fear less and less#im just really glad. im like genuinely happy#n especially when i look back on my old posts where i was in so much pain im just glad we were able to get to this point#im just surrounded by immensely cool people. my partner. my friends. my professors. my doctors.#like i was making progress before but i feel like ive been able to truly start healing this year#i love you all. you know who you are. erm!! if you see this post n then see me i will pretend i never made it !!! so erm!!!#king magnum thirst trap WHEN#rambles#sowwy for the lore dump do you still think my cock is huge
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Some raw thoughts
#💟.txt#its easier for me to post like this instead of copy pasting bc i find it like.#My way of writing there and here is obviously different y'know#it's the little things i care about anyway yeah.#*jack#*Phoneys#<- i rlly need to do something about that tag idk why i made it a general tag that was so dumb of me WHATEVERRR#i love the idea of harry being upset over having Needs and Cravings that he can't just ignore#no time for dat he needs to work 💔💔💔#idk if they'd be a full blown thruple of if he and jack just hook up sometimes. i don't know 👍
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srry ik i just vented like earlier this week and i'm supposed to be the resident funny guy but i'm having thoughts about my bf (irl) and idk how to feel about it..
#sometimes i wonder if this relationship is even right for me bc like#idk i'm not sure if i'm feeling romantic attraction towards him or i just enjoy his company#and sometimes i feel like i have more attraction towards these characters than i do him#it's frustrating bc he's had a crush on me since we were younger and he was rlly excited when i asked him out#and i also made a big stink when we were in a poly relationship with some other dude and then i broke off bc he (the other guy)#was being annoying and entitled about it#but point is i wanna leave i think but i don't wanna make him upset#i hate when ppl are upset bc of me ik he loves me so much but idk if i can fake having feelings anymore#and idk if he'd still wanna be friends afterwards#idk what to do#i feel stuck#he follows me on this blog i rlly hope he doesn't see this#i'd hate for him to find out this way#vent#gin's logs
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