#idk it’s just something I’ve thought about since like. middle school because of how long stuff like this has been happening

[jackklinemybeloved]

trying to connect the watcher bullshit with the way media companies on YouTube have regularly failed. Can’t figure out how to be coherent yet but ohhhh boy when I do.

[thotofthecentury]

it’s almost 12 am but I don’t need sleep I need ANGELA THOUGHTS!

Any scenarios or thoughts about College Au Fuckboy!Angela? where you are her roomate and time to time you have to sleep at your friends drom cause she keeps bringing ladies. But then one day you’re in your dorm watching something on your laptop when Angela walks In completely drunk. You stop everything you were doing and decide to help her get to bed but then she pulls you to bed with her, wanting you to sleep with her

honestly that’s all I got, but I need her to top me ASAPP

UUUUUH I LOVE THIS.

Imagine she dresses like this most of the time

(I’ve combined this scenario with the other one you sent of virgin reader x angela in college setting)

You would get so fed up with her bringing girls over omg. There’s been a few times you wake up in the middle of the night to her eating out a girl in her bed or just her and a girl naked in her bed the next morning. You complain to your friends (I imagine these friends as Mariah and Chanse idk why, very college au vibes they bring) and after months of this one of them finally asks, “are you like, jealous?” And the other one goes “I was going to ask that!!!”

You’re APPALLED by the question and make a scene in the library, saying “no! no no no no!” a bit too loudly. And you mean it, but since the question you can’t stop thinking that maybe you are a bit jealous. She’s hot, that much is obvious, and you’ve been denying for too long that when you saw her the few times in the dark fucking a girl it didn’t turn you on. In fact, it turned you on way too much to the point where you humped your hand while looking in their direction to make sure both were too preoccupied to notice you.

Now whenever you see her, you think about it. You think about the times you’ve seen her topless in bed after a girl who spent the night left before sunrise. You’ve never seen more perfect boobs or stomach in your life.

Your friends pester you about the situation, thinking it’s hilarious now that they’ve got out pinned about being jealous. You’re not very good at hiding anything.

You and your friends discussed a plan to talk to Angela later that day. More so, you talked about a plan while they said “just ask her out already.”

Which makes you all the more pissed off when you finally confront her.

She’s just walked into the dorm, her hair is wet from the shower. She’s in basketball shorts and a loose fitted school t-shirt.

You slam your laptop shut. “I really didn’t want to bring this up but it’s getting to affect my sleep and schoolwork so we need to come up with a better system for your… escapades, because it’s getting out of hand.”

She turns after putting her towel on its hook with a confused but amused look on her face.

“My escapades?”

“Yes, and I don’t meant to embarrass you but-” you say without even looking at her. You can’t look at her.

She cuts you off, “why would I be embarrassed?”

“Well, you’re secretly- you know- and I-I know about it and-” you stutter.

“You thought I didn’t know? Of course I know you know, it’s not a secret,” she laughs. “And it’s called having sex,” she looks at you pointedly. “You can say the word ‘sex’, can’t you?” she almost pouts.

Your stomach drops at her sudden change in tone. Has she been this condescending before?

You must look like a deer in headlights because she tilts her head and adds, “oh come on, you’re not so secretive either, I saw you masturbating that one time a few weeks ago.”

“What!?” you pretend to be shocked. “No, I was- you were doing that- I was sleeping!”

“If you were sleeping how did you know I was /having sex/”, she enunciates the last two words.

“Because there’s been other times and-”

“Which part got you? Her moans as I went down on her or when I finally fucked her? I didn’t mean for the bed to squeak but it was just too good, you get it,” she laughs nonchalantly and goes to make her bed.

“No, no I don’t ’get it’! You have no boundaries or resp-”

She suddenly gasps and turns to you. “You’re a virgin!”

“What?” you ask, panicked.

“That’s why you can’t even say the word ‘sex’,” she says more to herself.

“No, that’s not- that’s not it- you know nothing about me.”

Her smile grows wider. “Oh, but I do. I know everything I need to know.”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“Nothing for now,” she says as she grabs her toothbrush and toothpaste and heads for the door.

“And so what if I was!?” you yell back to her.

“It’s not a bad thing, I just would’ve had a lot more fun starting earlier in the semester,” she turns to say before leaving the room.

The door shuts and you say to yourself, “what the fuck.”

[the-bi-writer-blog]

I’m 38 now and here are some (mostly positive) things that have surprised me about aging:

When it comes to appearance and comparing myself to other people, I’ve gotten WAY more chill about it, even though I’ve got smile lines and a few small streaks of grey.

You know how, when you visit your old high school/middle school a few years after graduating, and all you can’t think is “WOW were we ever this young?? I thought we were So Grown Up at that age, but damn they’re just babies!”

So it’s like that. The way you feel about middle schoolers when you’re in high school, or high schoolers when you’re in college - they look like fresh faced babies and you wonder why you didn’t see it before.

So that’s the first thing: age-related appearance.

How I thought it would go: wow old people are all ugly and gross, I hope I never look like that

How it actually is: I love seeing laughter lines on my friend’s faces, because I can see echoes of the jokes we shared. I love their worry lines too, since they’re proof of what we’ve survived together.

And when it comes to my own face?

It’s just my face.

I’m WAY more neutral about it than I used to be. I used to see a checklist of things I wanted to change about myself, every time I caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror.

Now? I’m honestly too tired and too busy to care about something that matters so little in the long run, and I’d rather use my headspace for something else that actually matters.

(And like, ofc I’m still insecure about parts of my appearance, I’m human. but it just feels SO much less pressing now than it did when I was younger.)

Eventually you really do just look in the mirror, shrug, and say, “Eh, could be worse.” And then you carry on spending time with your loved ones and hobbies, in the home you’ve made.

Also back to comparing my appearance to the appearances of those younger than me: I expected to just feel less and less sexy as I got older, and kind of assumed that maybe older people just kind of grin and bear it if they have sex at all (lol)

But the reality is - I don’t think I look “old,” per se. I just think that everyone else looks impossibly young 🤣

Looking at college kids now gives me that same feeling of seeing middle schoolers when you’re in high school. You’re just kind of like, “Why are these humans so underbaked” 😂😂

Idk. That started out one way and turned into a ramble, but I’ve been thinking a lot about appearance lately, as I begin planning the first steps of my own transition (YAY.) And I’ve been reflecting on how many insecurities really have faded over the years.

It will be the work of a lifetime to accept myself fully, of course. But I feel SO much more calm, centered and peaceful than I ever have before, and it’s been a really lovely surprise.

Tl;dr what they don’t tell you about aging is that it’s Fine, Actually, and you will feel SO much less insecure, I promise you. You’ll let others expectations roll off your back, and stop doing things to make other people happy.

And you’ll start the long (and wonderful) lifelong process of learning to make a home in yourself, for yourself ❤️

[torturedblue]

It’s the middle of the week, have some dancing turtles

Spoilers below as I gush about my Mutant Mayhem Monday experience 🤗 please feel free to gush with me I wanna hear other people’s thoughts too!

First off… When Seth wanted to put the teenager in TMNT he meant it. Like, all the versions act like teenagers, but like Nickelodeon PG stereotypical teens. MM turtles were the realest PG-13 outta pocket 21st century teenagers I’ve ever seen and I love that shit because it’s the first time I actually felt like I was around the kids in middle school and high school again with the way they talk. Kinda appreciate Superfly cussing too? Like idk it’s Ice Cube and this villain goes hard tryna kill some teenage turtles he formally saw as his lil cousins, let the grown mutant cuss

Also uh, was not expecting to be sad so early in the movie? Like I could tell from the trailers it was gon be an emotional rollercoaster but shit like ten minutes in and these turtles are fuckin depressed. And to see it really hit me because in every other version (except for Bayverse) the turtles literally never let not being part of the human world get to them. In the shows especially they’re so well adjusted and never bothered by sticking to the shadows. Then there’s Rise where they pretty much go out whenever they want and indulge in most of the human world stuff they want to. For these guys to be so stunted and desperate to have more freedom was so heart wrenching. Especially when Splinter grounds them for a whole month and the reality sinks in of how much they know the life they want isn’t an option for them

Wasn’t expecting any kind of ship or romance but that crush Leo has on April hit me like truck because…… holy crap the Leo-April pair has never been a thing? On top of that this is only the second on screen black April we’ve seen and I’ve been a Leo kinnie across the board since day one so to see this combo of my favorite character liking a black girl is making me lose my mind 🥲 and like it got me thinking of several of my favorite shows and the single characters I kin in those and if they’ve ever had black love interests and it’s just still not a common normalized thing honestly.

I’m sure a lot of people aren’t excited for the prospect of ships coming back (especially after 2012 scarred us) but as a Leo lover and black girl it got me so excited to see something like this. I’m just hopeful and optimistic they won’t mess it up like a lot of shows do. The “this is just as friends line” already makes me a little worried bc that trope never has a good history but I have faith they’ll handle things tastefully and not make it toxic or messy

MURDER THE SHREKS!

“I assume you’d wanna be on camera. ‘Cause you have, like a very camera ready look…” OKAY SMOOOOOTH LEONARDOOOOOO 👏🏽

Could not stop laughing while he was shooting his shot my face was literally donnie’s restraining myself from bursting out laughing

Just a couple of my favorite questions that April wrote down for them:

“Do you carry salmonella?” Look I still don’t know wtf salmonella is but it’s the second time a TMNT iteration has joked about it so I’m starting to think it has something specifically to do with turtles 👀

“Have you caught covid?” Oml covid exists in this world

“Are you the source of covid?” OUT OF LINE 💀

“How many people has the red bandana turtle stabbed? Does he need therapy?” Yes.

“Does sunlight cause you to burst into flames?” They’re- they’re not vampires? 😂

Leon Ardo deserves the world and whatever he wants in it give him everything 😭

I will never understand what made Donnie laugh so hard at the name Nardo other than it being because it’s his sibling and that it bothers Leo lmao

All imma say about the puke scene is that I’m glad I heard an “out of context” spoiler about it bc I knew exactly when to look away and I’m glad I did bc the scene lasted for so long??? 😀❓But hey at least I had Unwritten to listen too while I was sparing my eyes 😂

The sequence of them going around and shaking down those gangs and Superfly’s connections. BAD. ASS. And each of them got their own moments to shine? Loved it. Like they each even got to take point and have their moments where they got to kick in the door lol. And the fight scenes were just, muah. Chef’s kiss, they all looked amazing taking grown ass adults down together

Okay Splinter definitely gets the best dad award for putting together that little surprise party, with all the celebrity Chris’s and pretending to wait on them 🥺 so pure. It did make me sad the guys immediately left and you can just see such a sad dejected look on Splinter’s face, knowing he can’t provide what his kids really want or make them happy enough without it 🥲 At the very least they say thanks and that they appreciate but I would’ve at least stayed for a lil bit and gone along with it, Splinter just looked so excited about it and it was so sweet 😭

And he doesn’t even get upset though he knows they’re hiding something, he just says he’ll help them if they’ve gotten into trouble, which is something I’m sure almost every kid has wanted instead of having the kind of relationship where they’re more scared of telling their parents they messed up instead of handling it on their own

I love how musical Superfly’s family is 😂 Ray Filet just starts sing-introducing his name and Mondo and the other couple mutants when they drive with in the car trying to find music they could all sing to together 🥹 not to mention the musical references Superfly makes later that I’ll get to. “Kinda don’t wanna murder everyone on Earth, I just kinda wanna sing” Me too bruh.

Raph immediately going “goochi goochi goo” and playing peekaboo with Genghis frog is so underrated that boy has such a soft side he’s not even that afraid of showing at times, and maybe it’s continuing the trope of Raph having a soft spot for pets/animals? Who knows 😌

Yo I was kinda shook when that government guy knocked Leo out and he just fell unconscious on the ground 😶 Like we’re used to seeing the authorities be brutal especially in movies like this but that’s a whole teenager? You just assaulted a minor? 🙂 Crazy

Also I know it’s sad they got captured and drained painfully but Mikey in that scene was hilarious 😂 like even the way he was dramatically crying and Leo was just started to cry with him like “iM sO sOrRy mIkEeEeEy! 😭” gold. When one of his children is hurting Leo hurts too. One of my favorite moments 🤣

They literally started singing BTS while being tortured they’re so unserious but like in a serious way to them and I love it. Also the fact that they did it just to make Donnie feel better? So pure. Like Raph of all turtles offered to sing while being drained of blood (bc I refuse to use the m word 💀)

The way Splinter snuck in and soloed literal government soldiers single handedly? Badass. Never loved seeing a Splinter save his sons so much 🥹

“But it’s the only way we’ll be accepted.”

“No! We accept you!”

“You can come live with us! We accept you!”

“WE VIBE!”

Oml they’re so puuuuure 😭 I really thought this was gonna be a moment where the guys invite them all to come live with them and Splinter was gonna be like ‘aha 😬 whoa slow down there’ but damn nah he was just as enthusiastic as them inviting all those mutants to come live in their home forever “The more the merrier!” Like ugh he just loves finding family like Baxter Stockman and we see where the guys got their loving nature from 🥹

The amount of his soul Mikey put into that BROSEEEPH was so real like I’ve never heard the name broseph be said in any other way, I’m so glad they put that moment in there

“New York, New York!” “I’m the king of New York!”

Oml superfly’s a Broadway baby 🤗 he’s a big bad villain marching through time square and talking about King Kong but he’s fill gonna nerd out and make his musical theatre references 😂

“For once in your life you didn’t sound lame. You actually started to sound like a leader”

“That was really heartfelt Raph”

I love the Leo Raph dynamic in this movie. Like they don’t always agree or understand each other but they will show love towards one another and show mutual appreciation

Something about any of the turtles shells cracking always gets to me for some reason like those are some serious permanent injuries so I want to see if they do anything special with that in the sequel or show maybe 🤔 And I couldn’t tell if all of theirs cracked or just one, and if so which turtle it was. I think Leo or Raph. I feel like it was Leo but Raph’s are also starting to have a trend of getting cracks in their shells so 🤷🏽‍♀️

Also I do not want to judge what other people like to wear but why are Raph and Donnie the only normal dressed ones 😭 like Mikey looks like he’s going on vacation and Leo looks like he’s going to clock in at Best Buy 😂 tell me it’s because they have limited resources for clothes lmao. HE’S LITERALLY WEARING A LANYARD

Them taking off the masks was crazy honestly… like them deciding not to wear them made my brain pause until I realize they’re kids going to school now and not being ninjas all the time… they don’t need them anymore. I’m just so pleased with the fact that this movie was willing to do what all other iterations weren’t. I see why they’re getting a sequel and show already, these guys and the plot development deserve so much more exploration

Maybe I missed something in the beginning but I’m wondering where Stockman went. Like is he still in custody? Did he die? Because not seeing him again that’s what I assumed but we only saw him get arrested or whatever, so if anything I don’t get why Superfly and the others wouldn’t try to break him out 🤔 I was surprised they didn’t make him a villain though, but I’m pretty happy about him getting to be a more optimistic kind character tho

SHREDDER HAD ME SHOOK LIKE THE ARMOR ALREADY LOOKED SO COOL AND I WAS NOT EXPECTING THEM TO GET THE BIG BAD INVOLVED AHHHH I’M SO READY TO SEE THEM REACT TO THIS ANGRY GIANT TIN CAN

Although I do wonder if Shredder’s gonna have some personal gripe with them since they have a different backstory he doesn’t seem to be a part of. And shit now that they’re public and in school it’s gonna be so much easier for him to go after them 😅 pluses and minuses…

The soundtrack: golden. Cultured. Nothing but range. Goes from a 90’s rap song to Natasha Bedingfield’s soulful 2000’s song. Most movies only ever have all pop mainstream songs or only rap songs because they think they can’t mix but MM does it effortlessly. The turtles are so versatile not just with music genres but they make old and new references ‘cause they’re well rounded kings 💪🏽 Between rizz, Adele, broski, Hey Arnold, K-Pop, Ferris Bueller, etc… I mean Donnie’s literally doing the sprinkler and the funky chicken in that gif up top 😂 they’re born in 2008 I doubt any kids today know about those dances anymore

Clearly I have all the thoughts and feelings about these boys and the movie, but I think this is probably my favorite TMNT movie? I’ve loved all of them but I think this one definitely brings me the most comfort fr

[graysnetwork]

HAVING KEEGAN AS UR BROTHERS BSF

IM HAVING THOUGHTS RN

CHAPTER |

BROTHERS BEST FRIEND — Keegan Russ X fem!Reader

Notes— he will now become a character in my heart and in my blog bc I love him. And so will the friend in this story.

Info: it’s cannon for me to believe his character drives a Mercedes. he has black hair. He’s got red cheeks (I’ll probably post a pic of what I’m thinking of) idk if it’s like Rosacea but I think it’s smtg he would probably have. Keegan’s three years older than you, (your a sophomore and he’s a senior). Idk if you can tell… but this is totally ooc and set in like this time.

Warnings: none!

Summary: you’ve been crushing on Keegan for years now and he has been too.

Your brother was a pain in the ass, so annoying, But. His best friend on the other hand, was so kind to you, and handsome.

Keegan had been your brothers “best friend” for about 5 years now. They’d been friends since middle school and now they were going to graduate, Keegan was apart of the family at this point, he’d stayed at your house for so long that he would come in unannounced and go into anyone’s bedroom, parents included.

Sometimes he’d go into everyone’s rooms just to say “goodnight”, which was really funny, especially when you were a kid.

For instance, he was staying the night at your family’s home, and you were going to say goodnight to your parents but you got anxious because it was late at night, so he grabbed your hand and said goodnight with you so you wouldn’t be alone.

Keegan seemed to like caring for you, he always took the blame when you did something stupid, he’d say “oh I told her to do it, I’m sorry”

He just did it and never asked for a thank you back from you, he enjoyed taking care of you. And as you got older, all the things he did for you made you feel all warm and giddy inside. He was so sweet, how could you not have a crush on him. And when he came over and got in the pool, it made you feel all dizzy seeing him without a shirt.

And he wasn’t big on dating, he dated some girls throughout his whole five years of high school, but he never stayed for long, mostly because he couldn’t make enough time for them due to all the football practice he had.

But Keegan loved you,he always made time for you. he always liked you but once you got older, got in high school, hit puberty, he became more attracted to you, in ways he couldn’t tell your brother.

Anytime your brother asked him “do you like anyone?” Keegan just had to deny everything saying that he didn’t, and even when the blush on his cheeks was apparent he’d still say “nah, I’m waiting for the pretty girls in college” just so your brother could hop off his dick already.

But he couldn’t ask you to date him, or take you out randomly, that’d be weird, and your brother would most definitely get mad at him, and you. So safe to say that he wasn’t going to be taking you out. Plus he thought that you probably liked another guy in the school, not him— a muscular, black haired, tall, handsome man.

He was graduating soon, he was gonna go off to university and get some sort of degree, so what would be the point of dating him if he was going to leave.

—

Now it was a normal Friday night, the night that your family would spend time together, something that you all enjoyed, especially after a busy week of studying, work, ECT. It was something you looked forward to, and sometimes Keegan joined in if he wasn’t with his family.

Today in particular, he wasn’t with them, he was with you. The two of you were heading to the store to go buy some snacks that you and your family wanted. He was talking about what his family was doing that he decided to not join in on today.

“Yeah, they were saying something about this new small…. Art museu-” he tried to remember “museum, yeah I’ve heard of it, seems really nice, I- I mean I dunno if you’d enjoy it, but it really does seem cool” you finished his sentence and began explaining how cute it looked. Keegan smiled to himself listening to you talk about some art that they had.

He didn’t want to go to this museum with his family, but if you wanted to or offered to take him he’d gladly say yes, just to see that cute smile on your face.

Once he got into the parking lot of the store he turned off the car after parking, and while you were still talking about the art to get your mind off him being so close to you, he just gazed at you, his head tilting a little when you turned to face him.

He thought you looked so cute when you talked about things you loved or were passionate about.

“Cmon kid” Keegan told you as he grabbed the keys and hopped out the car. Kid was always his nickname for you, but it always made you feel so much younger than him and like he only saw you as a sister or family.

The two of you walked around the store, for a while before heading to the candy aisle, you two looked at the snack section and ended with grabbing some chips and cookies. Then you went to the candy aisle as Keegan held all the snack for you, that’s when you spotted your friend.

“Y/n!” She said running down the aisle to hug you. “Hii” she said as she hugged you tightly, “hey, what are you doing here” you asked and she pulled away as her brother came up behind her, “we were just getting snack-” Kim tried to say but her brother cut her off “cause she’s annoying and won’t shut up about these chocolates” he said, you giggled

And Keegan suddenly got all jealous, and a little self conscious, like he was back in middle school and he saw the girl he had a crush on talking to another guy.

“Seems like her” you said and your friend nudged you before taking in the sight of Keegan’s tall figure behind you. “And what are you two doin here?” She asked with a smirk appearing on her face.

She knew how much you liked Keegan, she was who listened to you talk about a small interaction you had with Keegan, and she fed into your delusions.

“W-we’re just getting snacks for movie night” you said, you stared at her and her brother with an annoyed face, her brother also knew you liked Keegan, which helped out because he had some classes with him.

“Yeah” Keegan said and stared dead at Kim’s brother, he looked like he wanted to kill him, and if looks could kills, he would’ve been dead the minute you started giggling.

“Well that’s cutee” kim said smirking even more now, and it was just a matter of time before you could smack her when you saw her in private. “Anyways, let’s go!” Kim told her brother and they turned around and walked out the aisle.

“She’s something, isn’t she” Keegan said turning back to you as you walked to the candy’s. “Yeah, definitely” you smiled back at him and looked at the shelf of chocolates. “Uh.. that was her, brother?” He asked, he wanted to know if you liked him in any way.

“Yeah, he’s like my brother at this point” you said chuckling. “Cool” he said and looked around the aisle.

—

The two of you got in the car, placing the bags down at your feet. He started the car and began pulling out of the parking spot. He was quiet now, Keegan’s not loud or anything, he never has been. but he’s never this silent, you didn’t want to question it as he turned up the volume to the radio.

“So” he cleared his throat “Kim’s.. brother, no feelings for him right?” He asked slowly as he swallowed his saliva, “yeah” you told him— the question didn’t seem odd to you, Keegan’s always been protective of you since he was older than you. But he seemed annoyed.

“Hm, why?” You smiled as you turned your head to look at him “you jealous?” You chuckled a bit before he looked at you with an annoyed expression. “was kidding, sorry” you explained quietly and turned back to the road ahead as you approached a stoplight.

“y’shouldnt be liking or dating anyone in the first place” he said, “yeah my brother would probably kill me” you giggled.

“I know someone you could date n’you wouldn’t be killed for it” he said.

[chicago-pd-is-weird]

12x01 spoilers

Also are we going to gloss over that Dante got hit by a car and just kept running? I mean, I know it wasn’t hard but damn that shit looked like it hurt. Like my reaction was “oh shit Voight’s gonna feel so guilty” and then Dante kept running and I was like “DAMN DANTE” like man is a beast.

And all that and he still didn’t catch the guy 😭

Then we had to have that entire scene with Ruzek and the lady (idk her name but I guess it doesn’t particularly matter now). And it was a good scene but Adam just standing there with a gun to his head was so stressful.

Like this episode was just… so stressful.

I don’t think I’ve been stressed and anxious like that since literally middle/high school when my anxiety was at its worst. Like that… that was something else, man.

And then the ending. Emojis cannot describe the state of my face when that happened. I mean, my jaw hit the ground so hard it got bruised. I had to crank it closed after a solid 45 seconds of catching flies. I couldn’t move. I was so shocked that she just… died on the spot. I had flashbacks to Jules. I liked both of them and now they’re just dead. First episode they appear. And I loved them both.

I don’t think Adam was actually there for Jules being shot (that’s why they brought him in?) but I’m sure he heard about it at some point from someone in the unit. (Especially when Toni was fighting over who gets to be at Jules’s desk.) But I’m sure he’s like “damn this is how it felt” in his head, because he seemed to be relatively close with this girl and now she’s just… gone. In an instant. A whole era of his life gone. That’s what happens when we lose people. We lose that era of our lives.

Suffice to say, that sucked. I mean, let me be the first to say, it was cinematically excellent. Gripping and intense. Made me feel things. Not boring (I found Med and Fire to be relatively boring last night). Had some very cool camerawork, lighting work, and other scenes. Showing Hank’s PTSD is excellent. Everything was really great cinematically.

Plot wise?

1. Why are we confiding in Nina Chapman??

2. Why did we kill the new detective, I liked her?? 😭 Why did she pull a Jules??

3. It makes me wonder if everything is somehow coming full circle. They used parallels they haven’t used since the early seasons (like Jules being shot and this lady being shot, but also the cinematic rear-view mirror shot, even though it wasn’t exactly the same because Hank was in front, it made me think of Hank beating guys up).

4. Either it’s coming full circle for Hank and we will “start over” with a new Sergeant (please be Adam) , or it feels like it’s ending altogether. Both make me nervous for Hank’s fate, because only way he stops work is if he’s dead frfr.

5. Where was Trudy? Like she was there but why was her only line “I don’t have any new cases for you, enjoy the quiet,” like why was Hank confiding in Chapman? I hate that. Trudy and him have been friends 30 something years. Maybe he’s trying to protect himself and/or her by keeping her at arms length, idk, but it’s BS that he confided in Nina and not Trudy or Adam (who has become the new Al). I just can’t understand it and I don’t like Nina at all. She comes off very mouthy when Hank is trying to tell her about his trauma. She thinks she knows everything about him and she knows next to nothing. She hasn’t been here that long. Trudy knows Hank 100x more, which is why I’m wondering why Trudy didn’t do anything to reach out to Hank during this time instead. :/

6. The last thing I’ll say on plot is it moved so quick. And I am wondering if this entire season will feel like a rush. I wonder what is in store and what will happen to our beloved officers and sergeants (we need more Trudy screen time!!).

I’m sure I’ll have more thoughts later, but just thinking about it this morning is like… ugh. I’ll re-watch it later.

[toads-treasures]

Writer Interview

I got tagged by @forget-me-maybe and @pouroverpaloma, thank you for the tag!!! I'm sorry that I definitely may have overshared!!

When did you start writing?

This is going to sound cliche but, since I learned how to write at all, I think? I distinctly remember that I got in trouble when I was about six years old, because I took a photo album that had nice sturdy paper pages from the laundry room and wrote a mystery story in it. I remember it was a mystery because on every other page I colored my own version of the old transitions they’d do in cartoons, with a question mark with concentric colorful circles around it lol. Strangely vivid memory of those transition pages, I think I was very proud of them. 

But I’ve been writing and “illustrating” pretty much my entire life. I started writing fanfiction in middle school or highschool, and that’s what I’ve always liked writing the most.

Then I decided to get a creative writing degree, which then led me to developing both a god complex and a crippling sense of perfectionism and self doubt, and completely drained any enjoyment from writing literally anything, because I couldn’t get my professor’s voices out of my head. I loved my professors and I think I learned a lot, but I became so obsessed with my writing being perfect and impressive and something they would want and like, that I stopped writing things that I liked. So, I had a crisis and dropped out! And didn’t write anything for like four years so 🫠 but we’re slowly gettin’ back into it. 

Are there different themes or genres you enjoy reading than what you write?

I don’t think there are any themes I enjoy reading that I couldn't really write, but genres definitely. I don’t know if I could write a contemporary romance. Unless I am doing a modern AU lol but even then I always seem to end up adding some kind of fantastical element.  I love reading a good Emily Henry novel, but I try to write a lighthearted contemporary romance and inevitably some ghosts or fucked up fairies of some sort will appear. I gotta inject a little horror and fantasy into pretty much everything I write, which I think a lot of people are surprised by. I’m surprised by it, because I am such a baby I can’t handle watching horror movies. I think less horror, and more like, gothic elements maybe? IDK man it’s been a long time since I’ve been in a literature class.

Is there a writer you want to emulate or get compared to often?

I wanna be Maggie Stiefvater when I grow up. She’s a young adult novelist but she is such a talented writer, I can’t even explain other than her books make my brain go !!!!! 

I cannot recommend Scorpio Races or The Raven Cycle enough. She’s got such a distinct voice, and she is really good at magical realism which I love. I don’t know if I intentionally try to emulate her though I think I’m just a sponge that just absorbs bits and pieces of anything I read, but I think I have unintentionally stolen a line or two from her before.

Can you tell me a bit about your writing space?

I have a home office that I adore and is super cute and cozy but unfortunately most of my writing is done at work on my lunch break. But that’s also a pretty nice place, a shaded courtyard at the hospital I work at that’s got really nice tall trees that blossom in the spring. 

What’s your most effective way to muster up a muse?

I always come up with some pivotal character detail or plot point while I’m doing dishes. Then I have to scramble for my phone with sudsy hands to immediately tell Liz I have had A Thought.

Are there any recurring themes in your writing? Do they surprise you?

I think a lot of my stories are about grief, which I don’t usually realize until later. Grief and memory and growing out of the place you were born, and the kind of dissonance that comes from wanting so desperately to go home but not fitting when you get there. Or things are different than how you remember, for better and for worse. I love thinking about complicated parent/child relationships, and coming to the realization that more often than not your parents are neither heroes or villains, they’re just people.  Coming of age stories but the protag are in their late twenties? 

I looooove to write about people slowly (or not so slowly) falling in love and the little things you notice about someone when that’s happening. Like the way a slight sunburn sometimes makes blue eyes look even bluer, the way someone’s eyes widen before they start laughing, like they’re surprised at their own amusement. Getting to know someone in so many different contexts. So different kinds of intimacy I guess? It wasn’t until recently that I even considered writing smut lmao and even now when I try the characters just end up having some deep conversation and unearthing some kind of trauma. Let’s not analyze what that says about me. 

But it always seems to come back to grief at some point and living with loss and growing around it. Which is strange because I’m very lucky to have not gone through that process with anyone extremely close to me. It is definitely something I think about a lot though, it’s almost like I’m trying to brace myself, or practice grieving before it actually happens.

What’s your reason for writing?

Escapism babyyy. I say escapism then talk about how all I ever write about is grief….so….but it is both escapism and kind of working through some shit emotionally lol. One of my favorite possibly cringey things to do, but something that has genuinely helped me a lot, is creating a character that has a lot of qualities that I feel self conscious about. They have ADHD, they’re tall and a little clumsy, or they’ve got the same body type as me. They also dropped out of art school. But it doesn’t bother them at all. They’re not insecure about any of those things. Or if they are, they learn not to be. And the other characters love them anyway.

One of the things I’ve really enjoyed doing with a lot of the fanfiction I write is I get a chance to write about the moments in between the big moments. Explore aspects of characters that maybe there wasn’t time for in the game. Or you know if it’s Wyll just aspects that Larian didn’t bother to do at all i’m not bitter 

Is there any specific comment or type of comment you find particularly motivating?

Literally any. I crave any form of validation. I love when people can point out themes and stuff to me because I usually miss that myself lol.

How do you want to be thought about by your readers?

Uhhhhhhhhh I have never considered this. Positively? I think more than anything I want people to care as much as I care about these characters, that we’re all being genuine and sincere and sappy together.

What do you feel is your greatest strength as a writer?

I don’t know if it’s my greatest strength lol but I love writing dialogue. That always comes easily to me. And descriptions of landscapes. That’s always something people in class would point out. I will wax poetic about a mountain or the sea don’t test me. 

How do you feel about your own writing?

It comes and goes lol. I try not to think about it too much honestly because I’ll spiral pretty fast into extremely self critical territory and freeze up. Because I must be a genius, Professor Signor told me so, now I have this impossible standard to live up to. Also my professor never told me I was a genius but she did really like my writing and wanted me to take a bunch of honors classes and be on the school literary magazine and all of that pressure and expectation kiiinda made me freak out and run away. So now I try to just have fun, and that’s what I want to feel more than anything is that I’m having fun, and truly enjoying this part of me that has been a part of me for as long as I can remember. 

tagging @hauntedliz @mars-colonyand @likesomethingblooming if you wanna!

[existentialsophism]

Ok so I’m gonna post this here bc my mom is giving me the silent treatment and it might hit (maybe idk it’s very long)

Neurodivergent Ramblings

I had so much shit as a kid like being told I was off topic and absent minded and wandering around the classroom and yet somehow nobody had me evaluated for anything???? You have a master’s in child development and you never saw this coming??? You fucking moron!!! I lost friends and my grades failed because of that. I had to figure out why I was so weird on my own while I was being constantly bullied and manipulated for being different. I learned to hate myself before I even learned how to socialize. I wasn’t physically abused but the mental strain of masking and trying to pay attention in classes was so draining I almost killed myself several times once I got to college. It’s made me wonder if life is even worth living. And now I find something that works and I’m not even guaranteed that I’ll be able to continue because I’m not a cishet upper middle class white boy who will perfectly slot into the diagnostic criteria. That and all my shit overlaps and is impossible to separate. And now that I know shit is wrong with me I can’t even fucking access the shit that makes it better. Oh you mean I need someone to professionally tell me I can’t focus in class?? I FUCKING KNEW THAT HOW STUPID DO YOU THINK I AM YOU ASSHOLES?????? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU THAT YOU HAVE THESE RESOURCES THAT I CAN’T EVEN USE BECAUSE A DOCTOR DIDN’T CERTIFY THAT I’M NOT LYING ABOUT BEING DISTRESSED BY THIS????? DO I FUCKING LOOK DISTRESSED ENOUGH TO YOU??? I’M FUCKING CRYING OVER THIS AND YOU THINK I’M LYING OR SOMETHING???? I get not distributing stimulants without a diagnosis, I get it. But if the thing helps, and you’re a doctor who can control its dispersal, why don’t you just do it anyway??? I’m not even guaranteed a diagnosis because even though I have all of the symptoms it’s apparently not good enough for a self-assessment which doesn’t take into account the fact I also have autism and those two overlap/cancel each other out, which means I’m not guaranteed to get the shit I know would allow me to function like a normal fucking person.

No wonder I’ve never been able to relax, that’s an adhd thing. Even during sex or something I can’t relax, every single action is intentional because I have 15 separate thoughts at once about whether or not I’m doing enough or what I could do to make the other girl feel good too or whatever. I hate it. I want to just turn my brain off and be puppy, but I can’t. I have the autistic inability to turn my brain off and the adhd inability to relax. And it’s exhausting. I get headaches a lot from the sheer mental effort it takes to be alive. I’ve been awake for an hour and I think I’ve done more thinking than the average person does in their whole week. How lovely it would be for my mind to be quiet. Or even just for me to be able to control it. I can’t control my own mind so I try to control everything else in my life and get distressed when I can’t. I usually try to channel it into helping my friends and the people I love but I’m bad at that so it doesn’t even work.

I never really struggled academically as a kid because class wasn’t that challenging and I was privileged enough to have had a really strong foundation. That allowed me to look like I was actually able to hang in school when really I was just good at taking tests and not much else. I constantly forgot homework and materials for class even with my mom reminding me and half packing all of my stuff for me, I’d forget about projects until the night before, I’d have trouble with little details in later math classes which resulted in me not doing as well as I could have, it’s all shit that is part of adhd that not a single person thought to tie back to it. Because apparently you can only have adhd if you’re struggling in school or some shit. The autistic ability to control my actions didn’t help either since I could just mask everything “abnormal” about myself for my own mental and physical safety, which further contributed to everyone around me thinking nothing was wrong, and now everyone thinks I’m just trying to be trendy or label totally normal neurotypical experiences. Somehow they think that my suffering is just for attention or something?? Why would I choose to be like this? I hate it! It’s a disability! Why would I choose to be disabled?? I don’t get why neurotypical people think they can bully kids for being weird and then tell them everything they’ve been bullied for their entire life is normal actually. Why am I being gaslit by the entire world?

[mas-o-kissed]

Syscovery timeline for my own reference but posting here too in case this helps other ppl (tw for vague mention of trauma and self harm)

Early childhood stuff blah blah trauma etc. etc., I’ve experienced dissociation for as long as I can remember, and even though it’s not something I’m aware of experiencing now, I know that I did have full blackout amnesia a few times in my childhood with others taking over (I know of this happening because there were consequences)

Middle school I remember being aware of Navy fronting and getting very scared. I did a lot of like… stuff to myself with the goal of behavioral modification (keeping journals of the day’s events and self harming as consequences of unwanted actions). EDIT: To be clear, Navy was not doing the self-harming stuff. I was scared of him because his presence made me feel out of control, and “self-training” was our (Red and my) deeply unhealthy way of trying to avoid that feeling.

I think this may be when Red came about because to our knowledge she was an abuser introject and persecutor. This was also around the time I stopped seeing childhood abuser regularly. I felt like I was being guided in punishments to keep us safe.

Red was a constant presence throughout high school but only fronted in emergency situations. She was usually like… on my head talking to me and she looked like a little bunny. I thought that she and Navy were just one guy.

Late high school I became aware of Navy and Red as separate but I have no idea how. Lol. I just remember we all decided on name designations (mine is teal). I know I was aware of them because I remember drawing them and talking to them.

College was extremely lonely and we had very clear communication during this period. We felt it was very unsafe for Navy to be near front but we all needed an outlet so we started a vent blog lol. This is notable because it’s something concrete I can look back on.

I will mention that even though we were online we told no one, reached out to no one, and did not know what plurality was. I have no idea if it was really being discussed around this time? Which was like. 2013. I thought they were just really, really vivid imaginary friends and that I was a lil freak for having them.

Mid way through college we had a really intense period of dissociation. I think we experienced a split and the person fronting during this time did so for like a year and a half. It was very, very confusing. I distinctly remember the moment of returning to my body and after that the memories of that whole period kind of blurred so I don’t remember a lot of it. We still don’t know who that guy was and I don’t know if he’s around anymore. Like maybe we split and then re-fused together? Is that a thing idk

After this communication with others was really low. And after a while I kind of just. Disconnected from the memories of them. And had no idea I had forgotten anything.

I learned that plurality is a thing like. Very recently. I’ve known about DID for a long time but it clearly does not match my experience and I had thought that was the only way plurality could manifest.

Met some systems and memories slowly began to unlock as we talked to them about their own experiences

Realized that the reason certain characters we were roleplaying as felt so cathartic was because they were… Navy’s! That’s his guy. Our guy. Whatever. (I’m talking about Big Boss Imp).

Been really back and forth on denial about it. And we find that if we talk about certain things we will start feeling weird and disoriented. But!

We learned about PDID and ever since seeing that we feel a lot more. Legitimate. Like we are allowed to be this. Because there is a diagnosis that feels like it fits our experience. Not that it’s even a diagnosis in the US and thus not something we could actually seek! Lol. But since then it feels like I’m “allowed” to talk about it more.

(I am not saying that you need a diagnosis to talk about experiences. I am saying that our?? Gatekeeper?? I guess?? Really did not like us talking about it, but since making that discovery it feels like it’s a lot easier. That’s what I mean by “allowed.” Lol)

[tiptapricot]

Happy 1000 followers! That's definitely a number worth celebrating :D. Here are some asks for your Ask Game; don't worry about answering them all, these are just some questions I thought of, free free to answer whichever ones you want to. :3

What got you into writing?

Is there any books or piece of media that inspired your style of writing, or did it develop in some other way?

What character(s) do you enjoy writing the most and why?

Are there any character(s) or fandom(s) you love that you'd love to write for but never have?

Are there any hobbies or interests you have that you find leak into and/or influence your stories?

When did you embrace the ways of the apricot? (That is to say, when and why did you commit to the bit and start creating your marvellous collection of apricot icons?).

Hope you're doing well :). Enjoy your fame, my friend! 🧡🧡🧡

I will answer 🔥 ☠️ ALL OF THEM 🎸🔥 *sick riff*

What got you into writing?

I don’t really remember a specific point of Getting Into It, because (and this def plays a part) my dad is a writer! He’s written for some video games and has some short stories published, so I grew up with him reading me books and writing his own manuscripts/engaging us in that way. He never like Guided me into writing but it was always a natural presence and I was exposed to a lot of stories early on.

We did nanowrimo in elementary school, and I also made comics when I was younger that were my own narratives and things, and I did a few small stories for other classes along the way, but when I started Really doing it more intentionally was when I got into fic writing. Which… what got me into that was I think like… danganronpa self insert things? That’s my ultimate lost fic. I wrote it in the notes app in middle school and it was super long and then I hated it and deleted it all and I’m SO MAD ABOUT IT because IT WOULD BE SO FUNNY TO LOOK BACK ON NOW! It was kind of just a natural progression though I guess? When I started reading fic more and being online more and getting into more media, I wanted to create for it since I’d already been doing that sort of thing (most comics I did were inspired by superhero shows I watched or DND games I played) so I stated posting. And then I did more original stories for school and started making ocs and it just sorta settled into being part of what I do.

Is there any books or piece of media that inspired your style of writing, or did it develop in some other way?

None consciously? And I can’t really trace my style to anything in specific, but there’s def got to be some input from the books I grew up on. Stuff like series of unfortunate events, larklight, the leviathan trilogy, the keys to the kingdom series, the Roman mysteries series, the Lockwood and co series, Harry Potter to an extent, etc. all were things that I was exposed to growing up. I don’t think I’ve really picked up the quippy narration a lot of those have, but I know they shaped some ideas of description and imagery I do now, at least in inspo. But I guess on a whole it just sort of developed naturally? I really don’t have a very conscious writing process half the time 😭

What character(s) do you enjoy writing the most and why?

At the moment and also in general I like characters that have strong voices. They make the prose pop for me, make it easy to find fun descriptions and forms of speech. Bill and Ted and Steven Grant definitely come to mind immediately as like. When I get to write them stuff just goes fast because I know how they’d talk and narrate and react and it feels like something very solid to shape and work with. So accents? I guess? But on a larger sense of just characters I Like Writing… MK system are all very fun and I really enjoy getting to explore their dynamics and reactions. If I ever get my hands on Din Djarin for a fic (finally) I think I’ll have a good time with him, but idk. I think it’s very dependent on the interests I’m into at the time, as those will be the characters I’m the most excited to engage with and create for, so it varies!

Are there any character(s) or fandom(s) you love that you'd love to write for but never have?

THE ZETA PROJECTTTT!!! AND ALSO MORE OF LEGION 2006 ANDDD THE DCAU ANDDDD MORE LUKE N DIN N ORIGINAL TRILOGY CAST AND THE DAREDEVIL NETFLIX CAST AND MISS FISHERS MURDER MYSTERIES AND TIGER AND BUNNY AND— Ahem. Yes there are and they torment me every day wanting to get to create for them but having finite brain space and time space makes writing everything all the time… a bit hard. I kind of want to do a like niche interest power hour week or somth where I take fandoms I haven’t written for and make a small piece for them—WOLF 359 ALSO GOOD GOD!!!!!!!! But I don’t know when that will be.

Are there any hobbies or interests you have that you find leak into and/or influence your stories?

Not generally, but whenever I’m writing a character as having an interest in something or really liking something in depth it often has to be something I’m also into for me to be able to do research on it. This can mean I sometimes have to find middle grounds between what a character might find fascinating and what I find fascinating, so sometimes my interests are directly or indirectly in stories. Lost media I know has made it in a few times, and so has sci fi and superheroes and action figures. I don’t really have a whole ton of hobbies that are easy to slot in or draw from on a large scale otherwise, as niche toy collecting, a love for stickers and earrings and clown paraphernalia, and performing arts are only applicable under certain circumstances.

INTERESTS is a whole diff thing. My monster/inhuman character love, my love for certain genres or aesthetics, etc. influences ALLLLL of my OCs and a lot of my fics. Stuff that focuses on loving the strange, or the inanimate, or the weird crossover between the two is in a lot of my work (and will be in more haha) but definitely colors the types of stories I want to do, and the original content I end up making outside of fic.

When did you embrace the ways of the apricot? (That is to say, when and why did you commit to the bit and start creating your marvellous collection of apricot icons?).

THIS ACTUALLY HAS DOCUMENTABLE HISTORY!! Ok so.

The username Tiptapricot was what I came up with when I made my Minecraft account in elementary school. I liked apricots and peaches and plums and stuff (still do) so that was part of it, but I was also into semi-tap dancing (AKA being a young kid with some cheap tap shoes from somewhere and doing performances) so tip-tap and apricot combined and… there we were. It became my standard name on sites when I had to make accounts (bar like animal jam I think because it was maybe made earlier), since it was never taken and it was unique enough to slot in.

I guess as I was maybe making an Instagram account or going into highschool or just… for some reason, my sister @dimidarling wanted to make me a cute icon and, based off my username, drew me a little apricot with a face for one! This created what I now call… Prototip on July 14th, 2019

This icon was very cute and I loved it a lot, but it wasn’t quite the vibe I was wanting for myself, so I ended up getting a PNG of an apricot, slapping it on a blue background from looking up “light blue” on Google, and drawing a little face on it. That became the Default Base Tip as is seen in my icon most places, in December of 2019

FUN FACT you will never unsee after I say it: I think at some point I resized or re-edited the image or something, and I wanted to carry over the original face I had drawn on it, so I ended up cutting it out and pasting it over a face I didn’t like as much, and on the left side of Tip’s face (our right) u can see this tinyyy little black mark showing the edge of the main face cut out because I didn’t get it perfectly covered or aligned. I’m sorry in advance.

ANYWAY! So base Tip was made. I don’t remember the following order of events, but still being in my kpop phase in late 2019 I got Twitter briefly and made a Tiptapricot account there. And having an apricot with a face I thought: wouldn’t it be so funny if I was a gimmick account that pretended to be a real life apricot tweeting? So I did that for like a little bit. And then I went: wouldn’t it make the bit even better if this apricot was appropriately apricot aged? And long story short I changed my age to be a year old, then realized that would probably be bad legally, but when changing it back to my actual birthday, Twitter freaked out and banned me for messing around with my age and not being old enough when I made an account (even though I was at the time) so I got booted off Twitter. (And I’m glad about that can you imagine if I had settled in there instead oh lord) But the seed for apricot jokes was planted!

From there it happened somewhat naturally as a way to either make reaction images for friends online without sending my face, or to change my icon to play along with a funny joke. I made edits for friends in the DC fandom and for jokes we had running about each other going to jail or like “I’m gonna beat you up” or whatever, and joined along with a growing bit of giving me Tip related names, it became something I Did.

Now my Tip folder is 200 images strong and my mascot/sona/little guy is somth I actually care a lot about and have a lot of fondness for as a way to express goofy stuff and emotions in a way that’s simple to draw and feels rly truly me.

And there you have it :-D The Ti(nfodum)p

Ty for the questions Charlie, they were super fun to answer!!

(IDs in ALT)

1000 follower celebration

[mangoposts]

Long ass rant about a boy

So there’s this boy that i’ve liked since 7th grade but i’ve known him since kindergarten. We became really close friends in middle school because he was in most of my classes but then covid hit and i kind of branched away from him. He would always check up on me but for some reason i would constantly give him absolutely nothing. 8th grade year i just stopped talking to him until january i actually realized that i liked him and i told my friend and she ended up telling him. We ended up texting a lot that year but one day he told me i was beautiful and i got scared and i stopped talking to him. 9th grade year I went completely mute, i don’t think i spoke a single word to him that whole year. He also started to become “cute” to all the other girls. 10th grade year he ended up being in one of my classes and we sat at a table together. We played roblox together in class lmfao (Like we use to in middle school) but of course nothing ever happened. There would be some days where he would show some signs but i am so scared of getting a boyfriend i didn’t react to them. Now it’s 11th grade year and this year i decided that i wasn’t going to wait anymore!! So legit after the first football game he scored a touchdown, (keep in mind we haven’t texted since 8th grade) I texted him good job and he responded within seconds and we started talking. In my mind i was sure i finally had him in the bag and that this would be the year we finally get together (Ppl would randomly tell me we would look good together??). Lmfao then i got left on delivered for 2 days and i was so confused ?? Like i thought this would be my year ?? Well no he started talking to one of my best friends friend (we were mutuals and would hang here and then but that same girl also had a massive crush on my brother a year prior) It was weird. She would talk about him everytime he we were in a hang out together and i would try not to flinch everytime i heard his name bc mannnn he was suspose to me mine i thought!! They broke up not long ago (Oh yeah he never stopped snapping me even when they were still dating and i would leave him on delivered for weeks) And i took that as a chance and just started snapping him more and he did too. In class we play roblox together still Lmfao. but nothing else really. He talks to me here and there but like bro i am shy. I am not talking to you first. He looks at me alot idk. I don’t know i was hoping he would maybe ask me to prom or something but he’s taking someone else ??

I’m just so bored and annoyed at myself for how long i waited for him bc now it seems like i am never gonna get him back ever and I just realized it’s all my fault

I fear you missed your shot 😭😭😭 I’ve been through the same thing before tho and i regret it all the time LMAO the only way you could fix things up is if you bite the bullet and talk to him yourself, waiting around won’t fix it

[flashlight-smallknife]

In an unsurprising turn of events today I walked into my local music store and walked out with a $200 fender acoustic. I cannot play the guitar but I have all of these songs swirling around in my head and I am hoping I can learn to play so I can get the songs out of my head.

I have, like, an intermediate knowledge of music theory from singing in various choirs from as young as I can remember until my sophomore year of college and I took guitar lessons for maybe a year when I was in middle school. I’m also pretty good at learning things in general. I figure it can’t be that hard once I build up some hand strength. Right now it fucking hurts to play.

I’ve told several TWY tour openers that they are living my dream as someone who isn’t in a band and can’t play any instruments and the more I’ve said it out loud (typically in a word vomit frenzy while trying to make small talk at a merch table) the more I’m like “hmmm since when am I a person who doesn’t pursue their dreams”!! Also when pronoun opened for them in 2021 she mentioned onstage that she didn’t write her first song until she was 30. I figure i had 26th birthday money and i might as well do something with it other than buy weed.

Anyway, i don’t have hopes for opening for TWY anytime soon, but I am hoping to figure out how to string together a few chords and get these melodies out of my head. They swirl around with my intrusive thoughts and I’m hoping that quieting one will also help quiet the other.

I saw a clip earlier today of Phoebe talking about how Taylor inspired her to write songs about her life because instead of trying to be interesting she just told the truth. I think I’m really just looking for another language to tell the truth because it’s easier to tell the truth in a song. Idk.

Will i stick with it? Will the songs be any good? Will other people ever hear them? All questions still to be answered. I’m super excited tho!!! I’ve wanted to do this for a long time!!!

[highpoly]

here’s that modeling summary... wow has it been a journey modeling hjrhgjfhg

models by meeee sionia designed & created by damien miku designed by KEI & created by crypton future media jasmine designed & created by dako (read dd btw)

under the cut will be my thoughts....hopefully i will sound cohesive and not crazy to you all

new years eve is here everypony...........cant believe it... i do have some plans...... which i shall write about in my journal later or if i forget to do that then i’ll probably write it about it on main

my modeling journey has been....something! idk i think me getting into 3D modeling has always made sense given how i’ve been using MMD since like the dawn of time (middle school) and i think getting into modeling now has been a lot less intimidating and less confusing. but i think things have changed so much... i feel like i’ve been thrown into this in someways because of this pandemic and i think experiencing everything right now feels so jarring, from crypto and AI losers, a certain bird site is going through rapid changes under a stupid man, i think the list can go on. it is.......a little defeating but oh well.

but to move onto some positives with my modeling journey is that i’ve certainly learned a lot and it feels weird. i didnt think i could ever rig something i made or get to create so many shapekeys, to get to paint/texture even more, learn about more functions and cool effects while modeling too and i guess i’d like to share what i’ve learned by breaking down the models i have made this year...

Sionia........that was kinda my first time doing some slight designing but i just went off of what damien had shared (i freaking love you damien btw if you’re reading this) and it was fun to model her, this was also a time where i was experimenting with physics and it wasn’t until much later i found a video on how to make smooth physics....... hjrghjfg maybe i’ll redo her physics one day but honestly i’d rather just make a brand new model (as if i don’t already have a long list of character/designs i’d like to model :3......)

Miku is the next model and wow did she take long. idk i made her when i was going through a really rough time HJHGRJGHF also i played around with normals as well but i realized it was all for nothing anyways bc with plugins like SphericalNormals for PMXEditor or Abnormal for blender saves you that trouble and idk i was referencing off of other models too and i realized it’s fine for some of the shadows to be weird for anime/toon-like shadows. i wish i didn’t spend so much time on her. i also wish i paid more attention to anatomy because i feel like my faces are fine, but then the bodies are a little off. idk i look at some other models from other artists and i feel like maybe i’m making my models too... idk how to word it but maybe i shouldnt be comparing anyways?

despite all of that, i’m happy i finished her at least, this was also the model that i learned how to add nicer physics which caused me to go back and fix a model for oomf, i got to make .spa textures to add highlights, and i enjoyed making shapekeys. which now that i’m thinking about it, i think i really enjoy making facial expressions (except blink/smiling expressions that will always kill me </3)

Jasmine is the last model and i based this design off of how she looked like in early death’s disciple (did i mention that you should be reading it? :3) and as i mentioned with my miku model earlier, i based her off of a certain game i like and the proportions they give to their characters just to test out different proportions but i dont think i did a very good job on it either LOL... kinda shot myself in the foot for that one too bc if i make future dd models i’ll have to base it off of that games proportions. or who knows maybe i’ll just remake jazzy again

this was the model that i had to learn sculpting for, it was fun learning that and getting to apply it via AlternativeFull from less was really rewarding. i’d like to go back and redo her hair and the rigging because i realized her jacket should have been rigged to 上半身2 (upperbody2) and not 下半身 (lowerbody)...those are my only things that i’d like to fix. also the issue with the hair is i feel like it’s too low and you can’t really pose it well as a result

so it’s now the end of this.......essay.... and i think something undeniable about my modeling is that i’ve grown and changed a lot compared to last year where i was making models but they weren’t there yet or ready to be used to make artwork. i have a lot to learn and i wanna practice more. i think i either am hard on myself or there are things in my personal life that make it hard.

i’ve been preparing to open commissions and i’m scared for a lot of reasons but i know if i’m scared i’ll never change or get out of what i’m experiencing personally right now so sorry to get personal LOL..... but i’m sick of living this way and i’ve been struggling a lot but hopefully i can turn this around with commissions.

i hope this year i can have income finally, that i’ll learn more about 3D modeling and get to practice everything that goes into creating a 3D model, and i hope i’m kinder to myself as well. i hope for my friends and anyone who is reading gets to accomplish their goals. i hope you can also take care of yourself as well. thank you for reading so far and happy new years!

[1d1195]

ohhh myyy godddd that’s so crazy to me. i’ve been going to weddings since i was a CHILD. i think it’s a culture thing tho bc where im from ppl are always getting married andddd you’re supposed to invite LOTS of people, there’s no such thing as a small wedding😭

but i get being tapped out !! when it’s been too many back to back i get tired and stressed abt it. also funny but i think ive only been to like one funeral ??? maybeee two idk

birthday was fun !! vry simple i stayed home all day im not much of a birthday person, or at least just not my birthday bc i love celebrating my friends. the skincare routine is ???? it’s only been a few days so im not sure yet but ill keep you updated

i was going through dresses with my mom today for the weddings that was fun, always love putting together an outfit. i got a new phone case with one of those cute charms that hang from the bottom and it feels like a whole new phone🤭

I SAW ONE OF YOUR ANONS MENTION SHATTER ME ???? SO FUNNY CAUSE IM READING IT RN (i’m on book 5, anon TRUST when i say things change) im also not a huge dystopian fan at ALL bc it’s just getting too real !!! but i picked this up because my friends were BEGGING me saying i had to read it and I HAD NO IDEA IT WAS DYSTOPIAN 😭😭😭 I JUST THOUGHT IT WAS FANTASY ???? but nope !! its taking me forever to get through them but im pushing thru💪

on the topic of books, have you ever read a court of thorns and roses ??? i spent so long avoiding it for some reason but i finally caved and O!M!G!!!!! i LOVED it. idk if u have or haven’t but i will say i think you’d LOVE rhys😉

wishing you every single good thing in the world cause you deserve it !!!!! tell me how you’ve been <3333

~🎶

The weddings I've gone too haven't been that big either. I think the max was 150 people (but could have been closer to 120). Most of them have really been ~100. It's just so expensive and that's why I'm sick of it. It's a lot to spend on a bridal shower gift, a wedding gift, AND I've been on two destination bachelorette parties so it's just literally been draining my bank account.

I love that you had a lowkey/relaxing birthday! It sounds so nice! I am actually a huge bday fan. It's the only time I want to be the center of attention (or willing to be). What's your favorite kind of outfit? Or your style in general?

Isn't it cute how a little detail can change your whole attitude about something? I got a new screen protector and I'm like "I love this phone again" and last week I was ready to go trade it in HAHHAHA

🎀-anon will hopefully see this! I'm not sure I'll ever read it tbh. Like I said, dystopian really freaks me out now. I was firmly in middle school when The Hunger Games came out and Divergent was all throughout high school. On top of that my friend was recommending a whole bunch of zombie apocalypse books at the time too I was just really stressed while reading which is not what I wanted. It's still not either hahahahaha I don't mind a little conflict obviously but reading about governments and people being horrible to each other for the sake of being horrible (essentially)... I'm all set. I would first watch the news 😂😂

I have not taken the leap to read A Court of Thorns and Roses 😭 I think it's inevitable but I have A LOT of reading to do to get through my bookshelf. I've been making slower progress which isn't very helpful either 🙃 The fantasy side of novels never really piqued my interest either but I've seen lots of good things of course about the series! I'm sure I'll read it eventually, but I don't think I will be doing so just yet. When I do, I will keep an eye on Rhys hehehehe

I've been good. I swear the weekends are getting shorter every week. I'm lowkey dreading May and June but hopefully it will go by as quick as possible 🙃 I'm thinking about taking magnesium supplement because my doctor recommended it as a way to help me get out of my funky moods, boost energy, etc. etc. It's also just supposed to be really beneficial overall. Idk, I'll try anything to fix me hahahahaha I'm reading my book and writing part 4 of Ding...I'm not sure if it'll be done in time for tomorrow. I'm hopeful, but nervous it might be a Thursday update this week. Thanks for asking! Hope you have a great rest of your weekend and stellar start to the week!

xoxo

[nanadarling]

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

the sad girl post of the day

so last night I got woken up by my husband throwing a fit because the house is really messy and he was slamming things etc. for me this is a huge trigger because a recurring thing that would happen when I was living with my parents was me getting screamed at in the middle of the night or woken up out of a dead sleep for no reason and as punishment.

so this morning I texted him to kind of clear the air and he basically says that’s not the only reason he’s mad at me. He was upset that I charged a bunch of Uber rides to our shared account. Long story short, I’ve been traveling to and from multiple locations this month, more than usual, because I have been doing my fieldwork hours for school at a local elementary school, while still working my part time play director gig at another school, and actually employed at a third building. I have really bad anxiety that I am conquering related to cars and driving, but as of now I do not have a car or license. hence the Ubers. I pretty much covered most of the Uber bill costs with money from my paycheck. Originally I thought I’d be getting extra pay for all the hours extra I’ve been working but realized it won’t be here until next week. It’s like $300 extra and I promised him that for Uber payment, however I wound up giving him around like $200 instead and told him that I’d give him the rest next time around.

he then goes into the usual rant of how I don’t do enough ever, even though I explained I’ve been working essentially 12 hour days and have been really busy with school but that I’d be using my week off to help get the house in order. I asked him for specific things I could do to be helpful and he refuses on principle saying “I shouldn’t have to force you to do work” — like what??? You’re literally not. You’re just clearly defining a task I am asking you to define.

I basically told him I am tired of having this same fight about money. I don’t make as much as him. I essentially make around $800 per paycheck, and get paid on the 15th and 31st of each month. I usually use around $300 for bills, give him $200-300 for household expenses and use the rest for food and other essentials. Yet I’m the one being scolded for being bad with money. Like I’m not the best with money but like, I’m doing what I can with what I have and I shouldn’t have to sit in my room and do nothing all the time. I deserve to do normal people things like go out to dinner and see friends. I don’t understand why everything I do is such a problem.

I basically told him he needs to decide what he wants to do. I’m not here to stay and be a burden on him. If he wants a divorce or something he needs to be the one to ask for it and tell our families because I legit just want to have a peaceful life. It would be nice to not feel like everything I do is wrong, also.

Anyway, I had to get this all out. I haven’t seen him yet today since I went to book club when he was still at work, and when I got home he’d already left to go see a movie. I am seriously dreading seeing him. Idk what the outcome will be but at this point whatever it is I guess I will just deal with it.

[restinslices]

I’m ranting about being depressed because I don’t wanna keep spamming my friends. You don’t have to read this. I’ll probably delete this later.

Quick trigger warning for depression, mental illness in general, sewer slide thoughts, just a bunch of icky feelings. I am not feeling cash money

Going through hospitalization and thinking “wow, I’ve gotten better” only to get extremely depressed again is so disappointing. I went through multiple hospitals from January 2022 to around August or September of 2023. Now I knew I’d get depressed again because that’s just how life is, but I didn’t think it’d get so bad. I’ve gotten depressed since then and I’ve handled it pretty well but now I’m exhausted as fuck and the fact I lowkey wanna *insert windows shutdown sound* is so disappointing and makes me feel like a complete failure because I thought we were better than this twin. I’m both sleeping all day and have no energy to do simple things like walking to the other room and not being able to sleep at all. I’m both glad I’m alive and don’t have some illness, and “if someone were to shoot me, I’d probably thank them”. Like??? It feels like all the work I did means absolutely nothing. Like everyone put their faith in me and I’m letting them down over and over again. Especially this time.

And I don’t know wtf I’m doing. I feel like people really don’t understand how hard it is to look forward and have solid goals when you were never supposed to live this long. I didn’t think I’d make it out of middle school. Then I did. Then I didn’t think I’d graduate high school. Then I did. And it’s like “well… uhh, this is awkward”. Everyone has something they’re doing and you still can’t believe you’re actually alive and breathing still. It’s such a pathetic feeling and I hate it.

And my family has a tendency to not really pay attention or validate anything I say because I’m the youngest sibling and I always make jokes. If I don’t say “I’m gonna kill myself”, no one actually listens to what I say which is frustrating because I don’t feel like I should be at that point to gain a bit of sympathy. A lot of times, I just wanna rant and know someone is listening. I remember I tried this with my mom and said how I felt like no one listens to me because they only see me as the goofy sibling and she said, very irritated, “well you can’t change how people see you”. My mistake for interrupting the game on your phone. And this is a constant thing and I’m always bouncing between “wow, I really wish I felt heard” and “dude stop bitching”. I’m finna start tweaking and climb up my walls.

But yeah. I feel like dog shit because depression and wanting to Kate Marsh is beating my ass right now. And I feel like a failure for not being able to just thug it out. Idk. I feel like me being this depressed just shows no matter how much help I get, I’m never gonna be the person people want or need me to be. I’m always gonna be the fuck up. Younger me would despise me. She was so smart, confident, pretty, thin, sociable, mentally stable, plus other shit. She was recognized as young and gifted because of how great her grades were. Now I can hardly do math without getting a headache, I stutter a bunch, my confidence is ass, I’m clearly not mentally stable, I get panic attacks if I’m in public for too long or when talking to new people, I’m everything she never wanted to be. She would be BLOWN if she saw how she ended up.

This isn’t me fishing for sympathetic messages or attention. I’m just getting shit out.

Before I end this, I wanna make it clear that this is NOT a sewer slide note. I’m just stressed and sad and I feel like I’m bitching to my friends irl too much so I’m just venting here. Will I delete this later? Find out next episode.