#idk it just makes me feel rly exposed

[phagodyke]

nvm im too tired and overstimulated for this shit

[daistea]

the thought of mithrun in traditional elven attire makes me go a little bit feral like ...

SPOILERS ❗️sorry I know you didn’t ask for this, but I wanna talk about it

Elf fashion looks kinda Greek/Roman inspired(I may be wrong idk) like flowy fabrics and.. toga-esque, almost But in history, togas were mainly worn only for special occasions I think. So I’m leaning more towards a chiton-like style. Ruching, pretty simple, pretty gender neutral.

Though we only see Mithrun in a flowy chitan-ish garment when he’s in rehabilitation post-demon.

His caretakers are all wearing white longish dresses/robes too, and even the tall-man is wearing robes. Get these guys like a fashionable belt or something, they need a pop of color

Otherwise he’s either in uniform or wearing high necked, long tunics, pants, and boots.

High necked collar (got that fancy embroidery ohhh he fashion)

Idk what to call this. A tunic? A dress? I think technically it’s a tunic. I like his boots tho I want them

Same here. He seems to cover his neck, even before the demon ate his desires. Though there’s an image of his brother wearing a similar high necked thing. Like us all, elves probably dress in many different ways, and Mithrun just preferred to be covered up. Covered up like… his heart… not willing to be exposed… hmmm

Sooo idk I don’t think we can pinpoint an exact inspiration for their clothing, it’s prob just a blend. The Canaries uniform, at least Mithrun’s, kinda calls to mind a pteruges, leading us back to the Greek inspiration theory

ANYWAY BACK TO THE SUBJECT AT HAND

I would like to think that there’s a version of the canaries uniform that’s for formal events? Something without the uncomfortable spider silk stuff

Poor Mithrun, taking off his armor must feel like taking off a tight bra at the end of a day 😩 relief (not that he rly cares tho)

But anyway yeah it would be cool if they had formal wear, something without the armor but still signifying their position (the wardens are prob the only ones that would have it though) It’s canon that Pattadol and Mithrun have attended things held by the Queen so I wonder how they dressed….

As for traditional wear, I’d think it would just be fancier versions of the flowy outfits. Maybe add a nice fibula and another layer.. idk 🤷‍♀️

[fyodior]

im all soft for the idea of like raising a kid rn. like yes im going to make you even more of a daddy and you cant stop me. hold my tummy when its getting all big from the baby, go out in the middle of the night to get the food im craving. carry out child to sleep after a long car ride. give little kisses on their scrapes before putting on bandaids. im imagining dazai, getting hurt from work and our child putting paw patrol stickers on his cheek. fyodor reading them to sleep, chuuya using his gravity to tuck our little ones to bed.

so incredibly sexy to me. have my babies and be present in their lives PLEASE

☕️

YES he presses little kisses all over your growing tummy and lays his head on it to feel when the baby kicks 🥺🥺 or they do sweet things for you once you cant do them anymore kfjdjk like shaving your legs or putting on pants or just helping you stand up <3 they take you out to buy maternity clothes when your regular clothes stop fitting and they accompany you to every single doctors appointment no matter what.

(this is more dazai coded) but he's so so proud of his pregnant partner and loves showing them off to everyone but he's also fucking weird abt it kdfjfdkj like touches ur bump and is like "i did that😏" and everyone just sighs

i imagine fedya putting headphones over your belly and playing classical music to try and make the baby like it fdjkjkfkj or playing the cello whenever he can because he wants to expose your kid to as much classical as he can so they can bond over it <3

CHUUYA USING GRAVITY TO TUCK THEM IN PLS i think he would use his gravity skill so much literally just to entertain the kid fjdjfdj like maybe they're rly fussy during bath time or are upset so he distracts them with juggling random things in the air or making himself float fdjkfdkjfdjk but also idk if this would work but him using gravity to take some of the weight off from ur tummy when ur rly far along <3

i truly think all (most) bsd men very capable of being really good dads and husbands and i want all of them to get me pregnant rn

[seongminiz]

oh jeez😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 /pos i’m so dizzy at both scenarios omgg first off. the mattwoong sandwich plot with jiwoong filming u and matthew (his little sluts) and using u like that is so insane like imagine free use with dilf country club owner jiwoong like that?? like when he’s bored he seeks u both out and brings you together to “entertain” him like ur his toy barbie dolls .. this is getting so depraved but like fuck it i like to think u both (u and matt) got urselves way in over ur heads with ur dirty little games and if it isn’t the consequences of ur actions…

idk if this is too dubcon.. but i kinda like the slight aspect of coercion in terms of wanting to please jiwoong to keep ur job/membership at the club? and how humiliating would it be if he exposed all the nasty things you’ve been up to while ur supposed to be on the clock… sigh. anyways.

and omg everything u said for angel demon jumil. i rly love the idea of them holding u ‘hostage’ and threatening u with ur life😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 they’d loovvee how pathetic u’d be begging them for their cum so u don’t die :( like jeez that’s fucked up but i love it :(((

and the concept of juyeon literally losing his wings to commit himself to pleasuring u. definition of a service top lol. i want them both to use me as a fucktoy so bad so this + monsterfucking is so crazy. like i can’t even put it into words omg ffff😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

also slight side note. idk if u watched any of the fatal trouble promotions for enha, but i’ve seen a few screenshots from the relay and heeseung’s abs peeking out at one point?? i need to ride him so bad it’s so serious.

ur mean dom hoon thoughts too😵‍💫😵‍💫 i want mean dom enha hyung line i want all 4 of them to keep me as a pet we’re seeing a recurring theme here :( and use me to their will, be so mean to me that i never leave subspace and just exist to please them :( vampire hyung line living in a victorian castle and keeping u to feed off of and use for their pleasure??? probably been done before. but that’s also a thought.

- 🧁 anon

aaaaaaaaaaa idk where to start with this im going crazy 😵‍💫

no bc fuckkk jiwoong using u n matt as his own free porn like (!? #+_. im malfunctioning ,, also as u said , him threatening to expose every little depraved thing you've done for him , having all of it on video knowing your perfect little princess who has everyone wrapped around her finger reputation could be ruined in a split second .. making u suck his dick n apologize when you try to be bratty n defy him , taking a video everytime (which means he has a lot of them since he still hasn't fucked the brat out of u n probably never will)

n yesss 🫶🏻monsterfucking🫶🏻 tbh ik i alr said this but i should write more of it !!!

yesss i've seen that 0_0 feeling very much insane .. not only thinking abt riding hee , but riding his abs ?!?? that makes me even crazier

osmdbgj vampire hyung line ,, it all started when jake planned to only feed from u like all the other humans they've fed from for years , but theres just something abt you that makes him want to bring u back home n keep u all to himself ..... you're not particularly against it once you've gotten over the initial fear of jake being able to possibly kill u whenever he wants , but he won't be able to keep u from the others for long , after all they can recognize humans from smell alone , n your blood's specifically is so addicting they'll all start using u to both feed from u n fuck u ..

also ik we were talking abt the whole hyung line but mannnn this is making me think of vampire sunghoon so much 🫠 save me ..

[compacflt]

my apologies if this is too simple or juvenile or personal a question but HOW did you become such a proficient writer? and do you have any tips or pointers to keep in mind? i know you must do a lot of reading and a lot of writing, but your skill is just incredible to me. your prose!! your cadence!! when we get around to talking about it is genuinely one of the best things i've ever read and i'd eat it if i could!!!

this ask was so sweet thank you!! rly made my day when i needed a boost. Hope you don’t mind i took a couple days to think about it cause no one’s ever asked me for writing advice before

idk how i became a “proficient” writer bc I really don’t write that much. something about my fic gave me brainworms and i went into overdrive but that’s…not my usual MO. which is why it’s weird for me too. admittedly i am studying english/creative writing as my second major at uni, but i haven’t learned anything in any of my classes you couldn’t learn by just reading and writing on your own. honestly i should’ve stuck with my IR major instead, i find structured cw classes a complete waste of time. but here are some little tips i thought of that would’ve helped ME:

This is more a “do as I say not as I do” because I’m really bad at habits like this, but keep a diary. You can write about the big events (went to the store, did homework, got laid etc.) but that’s boring—focus on the details (watched someone at west side market throw a glass bottle of olives at a rat, broke a pen and permanently stained my dorm desk and won’t get my deposit back which pissed me off because I move out in a week, this guy’s breath smelled like lemon pledge and it made me wonder if he drank window cleaner before kissing me etc.). Real life is really interesting! How can you write about interesting real life in an interesting way? It’s a good way to practice. You don’t have to do a big reflection at the end of the day or anything. It’s okay to jot down something you saw & then immediately forget about it. It’s the act of figuring out how to translate life into words that’s important

If you type, learn how to type FAST. This is just my experience, but I think typing faster makes your cadence, clause length, dialogue, IDEAS flow better/more naturally. We think in words/sentences, not letters.

This is a super lame tip that’ll make you roll your eyes, but read poetry. Poetry is all about how words/ideas/images sound and interact with each other. Don’t get hung up on one poet—im not really recommending any for precisely this reason—read poetry you love (for me, Ada Limón, Jack Kerouac, Frank O’Hara, ghazals etc) AND read poetry you hate (for me, Rupi Kaur, Emily Dickinson, Whitman, etc)! Read all genres you can get your hands on. (I think there are like “great poetry anthologies” you can find for free online if u don’t know where to start. Also you can’t go wrong with subscribing to/reading a variety magazine like the NYer. It’s pretentious but it exposes you to all kinds of weird topics, ways of writing about them, etc.) Figure out how certain combinations of words and punctuations make you FEEL, and why, and why the writer chose (or not) to make you feel that way. Figure out which literary sounds you like and which ones you don’t. For me, i figured out that I REALLY like alliteration, comma splices, zeugmas, the rule of three, and

“he’s [verb]ing again… yeah compacflt’s characters are [verb]ing again… big shocker”

If you have an idea for a piece, figure out what it is you really want to get out of it—to say something? to experiment with a different style? to see your fav characters do something? to have fun?—and then figure out how, on a technical level, you should write to match that goal (this is where the poetry training comes in handy). If you’re just writing to have fun, don’t listen to any writing advice (incl. mine), because most of it is bullshit and over-generalized and will make you feel bad about yourself. Just take the advice that you think will work for what YOURE trying to write.

But if you’re writing to explore some political idea, then you should think about HOW to best write about that idea. What would be a convincing story/allegory/scene to engage with this idea vs. not convincing. I talk on this blog all the time about how disappointed I am that my very-adult-grown-up attempt to deal with the dynamic of “immovable internalized homophobia vs unstoppable falling in love anyway” is rendered a little childish/immature by some pretty unconvincing plot points like the characters buying a house together—I really should have considered how that plot point would interact with the characterizations I’d built already (hint: poorly). You can think of writing as kind of a military structure if that helps—you have strategy on the overarching campaign (plot/character growth/allegory/theme) level, the battle (scene that advances the above) level, and the tactical (sentence-level construction/syntax/wording) level. They all have to work together. If a scene is failing to properly engage with the idea you’re trying to convey, you’re losing a battle that will weaken the overarching campaign. Same thing if you choose a weird word in a sentence/write in a style or tone that’s weirdly out of place with your idea—it makes your engagement with the theme/idea less convincing. just try to be purposeful and consider your strategy on all levels of your work as you’re writing it!! At the very least it’ll make editing easier lol.

But then again when I read my own writing from just a couple months ago I cringe out of my skin, so like—just also accept that it’s a process and we’re all just making it up as we go along. Be proud of being embarrassed of your old work, because it means you’re growing. Own that shit. When I finished writing WWGATTAI i thought it was the best thing I’d ever written, and maybe it was. But since the day I finished working on it, it’s the worst thing I’ve written since then. That’s a great feeling. Not to be like writing grindset obviously bc it’s supposed to be fun—but if what you want is to get better at writing, the strategy is to WRITE a whole bunch of shit, and then own your embarrassment about how much you’ve grown since you started. And know you’re still always growing and learning. there should never be any “goals” where skills are concerned 👍🏽

[daaedoodles]

I rly like '24 for the obvious reasons but also cuz it humanized everyone more. Regina's villain origin story was worse imo but when she fell on stage I couldnt help but thinking shes just a GIRL. Shes just a girl who hates her body, ate shit in front of the whole school, basically has her bare ass out and is getting photographed and filmed to be posted online and get HUMILIATED. Idk if this was said in the social media scene of the movie or if i made it up in my head bc im gen z and I know the internet but in my head I was like yeah shes a fucking cunt but she didn't deserve 💀 threats cuz ppl be throwing 💀 threats at ANYTHING 😭😭😭

ME TOO. i watched a review and they said that the only characters that were humanized were the plastics and they were actually so right?? the other teenagers in the school just were like crazy social media assholes and none of them had a redeeming moment so i think i ended up feeling bad for regina and hating them instead like the shit they were saying and doing was vile and she got fucking dragged on social media when, honestly, that wouldn’t happen IRL you’d get cancelled for making fun of someone like that.

EXACTLY. she’s just a girl and honestly regina isn’t even that mean? in 24’ people just seem more like they’re scared of her because she’s hot and has power and followers and influence because of that and COULD potentially destroy you. she’s grumpy with people and she gets rude with gretchen and karen, but we never see her being mean to anyone else? but even still there’s genuine moments like when she’s asking how many calories are in the chobani where she’s picking her nails and you can tell she’s nervous and she actually almost seems kind of nice like that and you can’t help but think how much of the mean girl persona is just regina projecting her insecurities on everyone else. like she rules the school, but how much of that confidence is because she doesn’t ever want to be bullied and ostracized like janis was/she made janis — and then ended up having the same thing happen to her in the most cruel way possible?

the kalteen bars, oh my god. janis doing this was just evil because she would’ve known about regina’s insecurities. doubt regina would ever let anyone else in the school know and then, the cherry on top, janis told the school she did it on PURPOSE to mess with her life and exposed that to everyone

and the fuckign death threats… i was honestly like wtf? like the north shore high student body actually needs to get hit by a bus cause they suck somehow even worse than regina 😭

the fake ass go fund mes and leaving presents at her door but never actually visiting her is so something that would happen irl. i just imagine she’s basically completely alone and keeps hearing from her mom and has seen some of the shit people said on social media when she was recovering from her injuries and that’s why she changes and realizes she needs to be better

[ca-suffit]

... STUNNED that nalyra and her racist co used the terms "subset" to label anyone who wanted to talk about the obvious racism in the fandom.. as a "subset"... Wow. WOW. I'm speechless about that.

Also ever notice how their replies to every portion of an ask is "the show is so nuanced" "the show put in so much effort and nuance" "everything is so nuanced" like wtf WHAT is so nuanced what exactly is this NUANCE she keeps mentioning jc can they ever give complete answers or will they run their own subset of the white minded fandom to the ground with these moronic answers they love to clog the tags with

(context)

Everything is always vague on purpose bcuz it's all intentionally manipulative language. It's meant to look surface level nice and "considerate" of all angles so that at first glance ppl will think anyone judging their posts is just crazy. It's basically the racist white woman speaking in public to any non white person voice. "I'm so non judgmental and innocent and idk why ur being so aggressive to me, I'm not doing anything wrong."

The dog whistles have either been "subset" or "loumanders." There's some examples below.

If u search tags for "iwtv fandom racism" u will find a lot of posts from Feb 2024 bcuz of Nalyra getting exposed for liking posts from cosmicjoke about how reverse racism is real and noticing race is the real racism. Not that this needs that context to be p obvious but for anyone who rly doubts what's going on here ig.

There is literally no reason to defend Lestat so much like this while saying obviously racist shit about which type of ppl u think are the main ppl who are disliking the character atm. If u don't like what the show is doing then stop watching or get angry at a later time when we're out of the IWTV part of the story. Doing all this when u even admit IWTV is "the worst" portrayal of Lestat that u feel like later was "fully" retconned in the books (it's not but ok) just makes ppl look like toddlers who can't understand how TV series work. It's a whole book series and this is meant to be a long TV series too and ur here on day 1 doing all this for what. To protect the white guy from being criticized? jfc. The guy FAMOUSLY known for being a huge asshole?? That's kind of his whole thing, even when he's "nice." U don't get the name "brat prince" if ur agreeable.

Left is Virginia

Full context of Virginia's post

Both of them in the same thread, sticking to the "the books" and references to selective cast / crew interviews to say the patriarchal / abuse themes coming from Lestat in S1 shouldn't be noticed by anyone

[a-little-lostmoon]

Okay so, I’m currently working on a magical archives style type post for my ccau oc Yuulo but in looking at the designs i noticed something.

Their s h o e s.

Which admittedly, is a very weird thing to notice but all of them just stood out to me. Ignoring event outfits (only counting things they wear in the main storyline/displayed in the magical archive) each character has 4 different sets of shoes: Ceremonial Robe shoes, Dorm Uniform shoes, Gym Shoes, and Casual/School Uniform shoes. Now, let’s ignore the first two I mentioned in the list bc those are universal designs (excluding Ortho for obvious reasons) and that leaves us with 2 Unique shoe designs per character.

Which is probably obvious in retrospect, but then I started to rly just look at each of their picks individually and everything just feels so well thought out. Every pick feels like it fits the character and thats just so fucking cool that Yana thought out everything for every single one of them since initially in my head I was thinking they’d all just had the same design but nope!

Let me get into some examples now,

Only a handful of them have typical “anime school uniform type shoes” (for lack of a better term im sorry i don’t know shoe types that well—) and even in those cases they’re different in overall design and fit the characters. Those being: Deuce, Trey, Jack, (not gonna include Octavinelle, ill get to them soon), Silver, and Sebek which isn’t a lot! And then again, all unique in their own rights,

Deuce’s are black loafers with a rounded point giving them more of a younger look, Trey has dark brown loafers with a more pointed shape which opposite of Deuce’s makes him look a bit more mature, Jack has much wider dark mahogany loafers which fits with his physique better, Silver’s who defaults to brown loafers again though this time with more of a curved point to them and an indent cut out in the strap, and finally Sebek who has the pointed dress shoe-like black shoes but his are entirely smooth with no laces.

And since I mentioned the dress shoes so much i’ll go onto the ppl who wear those now too. Them being, Riddle, Azul, Jade, Floyd, Vil, Malleus, and Lilia (Vil and Lilia included too bc I dunno where to put them otherwise—)

All mentioned except Riddle, Vil, and Lilia wear the normal style dress shoes you’d see if you just googled it with a few different color variations here and there. Azul’s being brown with laces, Malleus and Jade having black shoes with laces, and Floyd’s being black without much like Sebeks (maybe I should’ve considered Sebek in this category too but eh hindsights)

And smth also interesting to note is that Malleus’ and Jade’s while the same in concept just… feel like they’re from different brands idk I cant explain it I think it’s bc of the way the seems or stitches look but who knows

Then the first three i mentioned, Riddle’s have a deep red portion on the middle part of his shoes, Vil’s are pointed heeled with a flared tongue and decorative strap thats blue and black to match his dorm colors (actually wait im looking at his more and i think they might even be boots..? The tongue throws me off and is a weird design on boots but the gold accent continues up so i think they are boots ahdjfksn), and then finally Lilia’s who like vil, has a higher golden colored heel that adds a bit of fancy to shoes that otherwise would be loafers and thank FUCK his aren’t boots in disguise too.

Something unrelated to shoes that’s also interesting is his pants??? fancy little old man got special pants lol

and i’m getting exhausted writing everything now idek how long i’ve been writing about SHOES but im gonna speed this up now—

Basically everyone else wears sneakers, exceptions being Cater who wears white casual slip on shoes, Leona who has his toes EXPOSED (he wears some sort of flip flop sandals looking hybrid), Kalim who’s wearing arabic curled toes which i believe are called multani khussa with a gold anklet, Epel who’s wearing a pair of very cute decorative boots with red plaid details on them (which i’m willing to bet Vil got for him—they look expensive and less practical than i think Epel would prefer), Rook who’s in tan combat/work boots, and Ortho bc well he doesn’t have feet.

Anyways I’ll talk abt the sneaker ppl and more thoughts on this if people really want me to bc I do have more but i’ve spent the last at least 30 minutes talking about SHOES of FICTIONAL CHARACTERS and I’d like to get back to drawing lmao and don’t rly think this is smth many people would be interested in so <33

Have a nice day u weird person who just read through all my twst shoe related rambles /lh go drink water and touch grass

P.S. (and forgive me any shoe specialists I may have offended, pls feel free to go and educate me for my incorrect descriptions of shoes)

[maria-ruta]

would it be too much to ask ALL the OC ask meme questions for Blueberry? :3c (if you don't want to do all of them I'll just ask for red lol)

Oh my gooood aren't you greedy ahaha 🤣

Well i already answered 4 questions for Berry here

So I guess I could cover all the rest haha

🟠 Orange- What is a trait your OC hides about themself from others? Do they refuse to acknowledge it or begrudgingly accept it?

his origins, his deadname and surname, the family he's came from. Mostly bc he doesn't want them or other lumeris officials to find him. Among official lumeris the rules are pretty strict, and by their laws Berry counts as traitor, and if he was caught by officials he'd get a traitor sign burned/cut on his face (he doesn't rly want such a fancy makeover tbh)

Tho over the years he got a little more relaxed about that and can share his story with his friends (he still prefers not to say his parents names and surnames though) probably some other punishments too but that's the one i remember the most haha. He doesn't think that after so many years his parents would still search for him

He doesn't know that but his parents actually stopped trying to search for him in first year of his absence, because they know about what kind of punishment their kid will receive from officials, and they actually don't want that for their daughter(well, actually son, but they dont know that)... so they decided it would be better to just let go. More about Berry's parents and runaway

Oh he also right now pretends to be human, hides that he's lumeris from everyone but his friends and crew

But tbh he already was exposed few times so.... idk if he will keep up with that for long lol

🟣 Purple- What is something that your OC could not live without? What keeps them grounded in the worst of times?

Honestly i don't know... probably overall curiousity and desire to find himself? But I imagine him joking that the only thing that keeps him going is alien hatsune miku/new season of his favourite show coming out/big pile of sushi he just ordered

⚪️ White- When was a moment in your OC's life that they felt the most vulnerable and exposed? Were they alone or surrounded?

Oooh idk honestly 👀

Maybe long ago when he was betrayed by his commissioner, who asked him to steal info from one of the racers at the race, Berry participated in

And oh this racer lady was so pissed that she and her agents and her fans still haunt Berry up to this day lol

He was alone back then. And he decided to never take such suspicious dirty missions ever after. Lesson learned and his mail is always filled with hate and death threats, no matter how many times he changed acaunts or tried to hide x)

⚫️ Black- When was a moment in your OC's life that they felt the most in control and secure? Was it gained through negative or positive means?

Fhjfgjdhetdjsjs HAVE YOU SEEN THIS ANXIOUS BLOB OF A MAN??? X'D he's mostly so insecure

But I gotta say that most in control he feels when he's piloting/driving - he's very good at it and it makes him feel like he's one with the machine, either he participates in race or chasing someone or flying away from the chase. I guess that's why he has a history of participating in different kinds of pirate races and such

I got tired of writing... please ask me other questions later (its better if i post this much now, then keep this post in drafts for the hope to finish it all and then forgeting... 😭)

[mithliya]

idk which ex ur talking about in that "insane things my ex has done" but i relate bcuz i am currently in a relationship with a gendie who has started saying recently that my aversion to male genitalia is incredibly transphobic even though she knows i have been sexually assaulted many times by men (and am and always have been a lesbian lol) (also sorry if this is inappropriate but i feel like i have no one else to confide in.)

im not sure where i talked about her but i can tell from what u said which ex i was talking about lool its my 1st gf and i never rly talked fully about this bc my ex has since transitioned (only socially tho afaik) & continued to be questionable as fuck in various ways and went from friendly w me to shit talking me bc how dare i share my opinions on my blog which she decided to keep regularly checking for years after our break up despite her having a gf and us hardly ever talking (partially bc of me bc frankly in hindsight i was far too forgiving n despite that she demonised me at the end of our relationship n was weird in various moments after we remained friends)

but she was (& is) also a gendie, which is fine bc when we were together she wasnt like irrational about it. she was the one who told me that SRS doesnt work the way i thought it did, like the genitals didnt magically change and there arent like no differences like i thought, instead she said the differences were obvious. but near the end of our relationship she insisted to me that the way to fix her issues was to make our relationship an open relationship, said that my body made her insecure about her own body n she should sleep w people with a similar body to gain confidence in it. prior to that i was not for an open relationship at all but those comments made me feel like saying no would make me selfish and that if thats what she needs to accept herself then fine yanno. then ofc not soon after she starts e-dating this trans woman who is an abusive creep & rapist (like not even exaggerating here. but ofc those accusations were dismissed for a while bc the trans woman called the woman who came out about the abuse a terf n ppl believed that until trans women also began to call this out). i was like um hows dating someone with a diff body than u and even a diff sex going to make u feel better about ur body when thats the entire reason for the open relationship? never rly got a proper answer but whatever i let it be. then that trans woman wanted to be in a throuple with us basically like wanted to get with me and my ex and would openly fantasise about me to my ex. my ex said "oh she wouldnt be into that, shes not into penises" and the trans woman was like omg why.. :( and my ex was like oh shes penis-repulsed etc and the trans woman was like aw how sad i hope she gets help for that!! n my ex agreed. then my ex told me about this n i was like... what the fuck? it took me a bit but after a few days i was like hey this comment really pissed me off wtf do u mean gets help for that.. and my ex was saying that i should seek therapy to stop being penis-repulsed and should see trans women as women and be open to trans women in a romantic & sexual way basically and i was clearly upset by that n i was like. ur telling me to seek conversion therapy. n she was like nooo and i was like what so u mean some kind of exposure therapy against the "phobia" of penises? and she was like yeah just like that! n i said... thats literally a form of conversion therapy that was done in the past to other gay ppl.. exposing gay ppl to the opposite sex's genitals to try to change their feelings towards it is literally a conversion therapy tactic.

anyways my ex n i ultimately broke up bc it turned out the open relationship was meant to be one-sided somehow and her doing things was ok but if i did things it made me a cheater somehow and my comfort was repeatedly disregarded, i didnt like that trans woman at all at that point n my ex would still keep dating them n it was just all too many bad things at once so i was like fuck it im done w this. ultimately my ex realised that this trans woman is indeed an abuser and i also realised the my 2nd gf who i got with soon after i broke up w my ex is also an abuser. but then when my ex began to transition she started to show more of that homophobia she showed during our relationship like saying the f-slur (calling ppl that) and saying its ok bc "im a bisexual man" which was just.........erm... anyways in the end our last form of communication was her getting her friends to gang up on me for ~ruining the fun~ of a game of among us and then she talked shit about me to one of my close friends (been friends for 14 years) who she never even met and was like ~omg shes so problematic im sorry i just cant handle it anymore~ ......

anyways i feel u lmao. its not inappropriate dont worry and im sorry u went thru that too bc its painful to love someone as they are and yet they basically tell u that ur lesbianism means something is wrong w u bc ur truly not into males at all. honestly i think its best for u to end it asap instead of making the mistake i did, nothing good came out of it for me and i shouldve left for good at the first red flag which was my ex's compulsive lying about serious issues like rape & fgm, or immediately ended it when she was saying that i should go thru conversion therapy otherwise im transphobic

[kwop-kilawtley]

i can’t not comment on this post and i rly think this is the furthest reach I’ve ever read on this site. posts like these prove how subjective twilight interpretations are bc I cannot disagree MORE. calling bella swan a queer feminist icon for choosing Edward Cullen….. I-

Bella and edwards entire relationship is based off of infatuation, unhealthy obsession, horniness, stupidity self hatred & trauma. She is groomed/hypnotized/ put under thrall by him at age 17. aside from him being a vampire, their relationship is the epitome of CONVENTIONAL. comparing this to the queer experience is honestly offensive. bella and Edward follow the traditional lifestyle.. she’s forced to get married young, they won’t have sex till marriage & have a baby. granted yes, it is a demon baby.. but still. she married into the classist rich white family that are all completely “PERFECT.”

Yes, the vampirism makes them unconventional but if we’re comparing to Jacob… who is a werewolf, how the fuck is Jake the “conventional choice?”

You’re using “conventional” but really what you mean is “the natural way Bella’s life would’ve been.” Which, to me, is the right choice. Because she wouldn’t have had to change.

Bella has severe self esteem issues that stem entirely from being with Edward. When Edward leaves her, she attempts suicide multiple times because she sees herself as useless. I get y’all are romanticizing the vampirism aspect and Romeo and Juliet type love but.. yeah it’s toxic. Which it’s fine to be okay with that in this instance.. because this is a work of fiction. But to then compare a toxic relationship like ExB’s to queer love is … not it.

Bella & Edward were extremely selfish & fucked over many people, including the entire wolfpack. The canon endgame essentially enslaves the wolfpack to the cullens with the imprint bullshit. They dragged everyone and anyone around them into their bullshit (ahem, literal war) all because “they’re in love.” Ok…..

Edward strips everything from Bella. He psychologically fucked her up and of course there was no coming back from that. Still, despite being under thrall by Edward, she falls for Jacob and he brings her to life again. But no it couldn’t have been enough, because the damage is done. She’s been exposed to Edwards world, of course a teenager is going to think she’s meant to be with him. She wanted to escape herself. She wanted to be beautiful and perfect and not have to deal with any of her human problems. Can we blame her? No. But how can we act as if this was a good thing for Bella? How was this growth?

Bella turning is the literal opposite of growth in every sense of the word. Every single thing we love about Bella is gone. Her gushing about Arizona, her cooking, her blushing, her clumsiness, her truck, her warmth, her being a daughter. She is constantly feeling inferior, putting herself down. Just read new moon… the way she folds a picture of herself out because she thinks she looks bad next to Edward. And the constant comparing of her looks to him. How she doesn’t even want to look in the mirror. He fuckin ruined her y’all idk lol.

Also keep in mind the timeline of twilight.. all of this happens within like two years. What teenager actually makes sound decisions?

Bella would’ve been happy with Jacob, had Jacob not been forced to change because of the Cullens too. Growing is good but no, Bella and Jake did not grow. They were UPROOTED and traumatized. Bella being a Cullen was escapism and the only thing to stop her from actually dying. Though to me, Bella did die. I don’t see an empowered person. And I certainly do not see a feminist. A teen girl throwing her entire life away for a predatorial man is feminist now? Damn the bar is low. Attempting suicide and being forced to get married and wait for sex after marriage is FEMINISM???? In what world, honestly? Bella didn’t have time to THINK. She just followed her obsessive feelings towards Edward. And also By the time she turns, I feel I completely am reading a new character. Bella Swan DIED. Jake did too once he was forced to imprint and lost all autonomy.

Twilight only makes sense if you view it as a tragedy. No, smeyer didn’t intend for that ofc. She wanted the vampire love story and in her mormon view, maybe this post makes sense. I get the aesthetic and romanticizing of ExB.. but to compare their shitshow of a relationship to a queer relationship is the biggest damn reach.

“this wasn’t a choice between you and jacob. it was a choice between who I should be and who I am”

oH SHIT. oh shit!!!! can we… can we fucking TALK about this???

can we TALK about the fact, that, right before this scene in eclipse was a scene in which jacob says “i’m perfect for you bella, being with me would be as easy as breathing” and bella responds by telling him she loves him but it doesn’t change anything???

like we make fun of bella for being a monsterfucker, a stereotype, a damsel in distress… but this right here? this is real. 

so many people go through life focusing on what they’re supposed to do and who they’re supposed to be. they pursue careers they’ve been told are safe, they make friends with the “right” people, they marry their long term s/o because that’s what they’re supposed to do

people don’t have midlife crises because they took the time to make mistakes and figure out who they are and what they want, they have midlife crises because they’ve always followed the path that was laid out for them and it’s not until they’re in their 40s that they realize how unfulfilling and empty their lives are. 

especially when you’re young, there’s so much emphasis on fitting in, making the “right” choices, not shaking things up. there’s a lot of pressure to follow an assigned path. 

but bella!! bella rejects this entirely. at 18, bella knows what most people don’t learn until their 40s or later; that looking like you have a happy, successful life on paper is not nearly as important as actually living a happy, fulfilling life, regardless of how unconventional it looks. you can see this illustrated in the difference between jessica and bella: jessica is valedictorian, captain of the volleyball team, popular, successful, and, despite all of this, deeply unhappy and insecure. mealwhile bella likes learning for the sake of learning, spends her time doing things she enjoys like reading, keeps to herself because she prefers her own company even if it makes her unpopular, and, oh yeah, decides to join a vampire coven despite the constant danger. none of these are the “right” choices, but they’re the choices that are right for her. and as a result, she ends up confident, empowered, happy and fulfilled. 

what bella is doing in this speech at the end of eclipse is actively choosing to set aside other people’s expectations of what her life is supposed to look like and instead choosing a life that works for her. 

could bella live a normal human life, go to a good college, stay out of danger, probably end up in a safe career in publishing? she could, easily. but that’s not what she wants. and she knows that even if she’d be safe and successful, she’d never be fulfilled. jacob says “being with me would be as easy as breathing” but bella doesn’t want something easy, she wants to be challenged!! she wants to forge her own path!! navigating life or death situations might be scary, but they also make her feel strong, capable, like she’s doing something significant. bella isn’t looking for comfortable, she’s not looking for safe. she’s looking for happiness and fulfillment, no matter what that looks like from the outside. 

forging your own path is scary. not living up to the expectations of your friends and family and actively making decisions they disapprove of is hard. moving forwards towards an uncertain and challenging future is terrifying. and yet bella chooses, over and over again, to do what’s best for herself instead of giving in to what other people want from and for her. 

charlie says “you have to learn to love what’s good for you”. edward says becoming a vampire means choosing damnation. rosalie tells her she’s throwing away her mortality. jacob says being a vampire is immoral and monstrous. her friends think she’s crazy and irresponsible for getting married at 18. 

and yet!! she does it all anyway. 

bella standing her ground and pursuing what she wants despite other’s opinions is a feminist act. bella not giving in to expectations about who she should be and how she should behave is a feminist act. bella rejecting safety and security in favor of happiness and actively refusing to allow the men in her life to make her decisions for her is a feminist act. 

in addition to all this, do you know who else chooses an unconventional life of happiness over an unfulfilling life of convention, comfort, and acceptance? queer people. recognizing and accepting your own queer identity is a process of rejecting social expectations and embracing your truest self even when doing so is uncertain, scary, and actively dissaproved of. 

in conclusion… bella is a queer feminist icon and the end scene of eclipse proves it. 

[seongminiz]

ooh yes!! i’d definitely be interested in talking more about hybrids and if u wanted to talk about the differences that’d be rly cool! i def look forward to that but no pressure!!<33

also.. on the topic of monsterfucking cuz werewolves… um.. sirens? im easily influenced atp but i saw a drabble where like.. a siren’s kiss can make you orgasm, like they can make you cum just from making out with u and bringing u to the edge that way without even having touched u.. the siren putting their fingers into ur cunt to feel you clench n gush around their digits😳😳😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 u may have already seen smth like this before but yeah!!! not 100% sure who i see as a siren… maybe juyeon, sunwoo, sunghoon, heeseung, taeyoung, seongmin, jungmo, jiwoong, hanbin??? just off the top of my head i am just thinking about specific idols now🥴🥴

- 🧁 anon

stopppdkhdbfnf seongmin⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ siren!seongmin⁉️⁉️ sorry i immediately tunnel visioned to that i very clearly have a problem :3

i see ur vision n i raise u : needing to kiss ur siren partner to be able to breathe underwater so they can drag u down to the most insidious depth of the ocean AND their spit also working as an aphrodisiac to the point if u r exposed to it enough u can orgasm from only kissing them ★_★ (does it make sense for sirens to have spit as underwater beings ? i dont think so , im pretty sure sea creatures dont need it . will i still include it bc idgaf ? yeah :3)

now idk how far into monsterfucking territory we wanna get but ..... pretty sirens with tentacles 🫠 (yes im thinking abt jungmo yes i will write something abt it like rn immediately after im done with this ask) ... sirens with a breeding kink but instead of cum they fill u with their eggs bc ofc they dont reproduce like humans !

srry if any of this is too much i got a little carried away with my thoughts :')

also ur list is so perfect like yes all of them + chanhee n maybe hao ?? idk they give me siren vibes too . n any of my fromis girls , n junji n yoojung too !!

[aurischolar]

an early morning vent post? on my blog? it’s more likely than you think. free pc check

cw self injury / internalized ableism //

ugh… i’ve been feeling rly burnt out lately and yesterday it was rly overwhelming me how much i need to do and how little i’m capable of actually doing and how hard i have to constantly push myself to do the very little i am capable of.. and idk what the term would be for what i was feeling (overload? anxiety attack?) but everything was rly getting to me and it was making my fibro pain worse so i closed my eyes and i was trying to focus on my breathing but then jewels knocked over my medications on the table directly in front of me and i got so startled and scared and overwhelmed that i reflexively hit myself several times…

self injuring is instinctively how i ground myself when my emotions get too big or i’m experiencing sensory overload but i’m so hyper-conscious of how “crazy brown person upset, seemingly out of control, and using physical force/violence” appears to others that i pretty much have to be past the point where i can even conceive of any other coping method to resort to it… (also like. since i have chronic pain already, i’d rather not inflict more pain on myself if i can avoid it lmao). but man, i was taken a bit by surprise how much shame and fear i felt toward myself afterwards ;n;

i was never exposed to ppl discussing reasons and nuance behind why ppl self-injure (other than depression) until i was an adult and i got into the autistic community on twitter. and i guess truly unlearning the “if you hit yourself you’re crazy and dangerous” messaging from society takes a lot more time than i’d given it… but anyways, i’m gonna try to remember that i’m still recovering from my hysterectomy last month and i need to be kind to myself, even though it can feel like i’m just making up excuses to neglect my responsibilities. where’s a “exhausted and tormented but genuinely still trying to have hope” emoji when i need one

[toruro]

ughdiughjdsk HELP ME. gna go insane under the cut :3

thea omg i was just raving abt ur jihoon fic and then i read this one and ... I AM BLOWN AWAY arrghd waiting patiently for u to come out w more bangers (will be stalking ur masterlist until then) bc WFT! I LOVE THE WAY U WRITE! today i actually had the time to sit down and screenshot my fav parts so we are going to be dissecting everything rn hehe

first of all idk why but this whole series of thoughts was just very funny 2 me and flowers super duper well! the little thing abt ethics committee made me bc i was like! oh right! she works in humanities! at a uni! it makes sense! idk i just love how reader's world is rly fleshed out and it's so fun:

this line made me SCREAM. why is this so mingyu why can i exactly imagine him saying this:

reader is so real and i love how u include this thought process! like she's very realistic and it's so nice to see her think things out so thouroughly:

ah yes. the very, very big problem that is dilf gyu

nooo bc why did u do my beloved chan like that:

he's such a little shit it's so funny and i love him:

OKAY THE WORDING HERE IS JUST. AMAZING LIKE i can feel reader's raw emotions and how exposed it all feels i love it:

the image this painted into my head is not good for my health:

again phenomenal wording like i can't get over it! reread this part so many times because it's just so well done i'm actually crazy:

as always i don't break down the smut bc that sends me into a frenzy and it is 2 hot and i have to be up 2 early tmrw to be losing my sanity tonight ... i will say though that it was *amazing* like i love how u write w the two of them being equally obsessed w each other bc i feel like the whole scene means so much more when they're disgustingly in love lol I AM A HOPELESS ROMANTIC IF U COULD NOT TELL

again ... i keep saying this but just the way u write is super satisfying to me ... like i swear u just have a way w words bc i love the different ways you move the plot, progress time, and it all flows super well while always changing it up and making it super engaging! i'm not describing this very well but! i know u said u make a lot of these choices w out thinking so honestly kudos to u bc the stylistic choices in ur writing are just so. like idk THEY;RE SO WELL DONE AND FUN TO READ I LOVE IT SO MUCH! rly rly enjoyed this :3 keep up the good work thea

IS THIS TOO MUCH?

When Mingyu helps you up with your boxes, you don't think too much of it, really, but when he shows up in the hall with a kid in his arms - something changes.

✦ KIM MINGYU - f!reader

✦ Genre: neighboors-to-lovers, daddy!Mingyu (slightly), angsty (slighlty), smut (minors don't interact), a little bit of health problems, oral sex (f! receiving), unprotected sex (don't do this at home), reader has a few insecurities so keep that Mingyu.

✦ word count: 11k+

✦ Title inspired by Carly Ra Jepsen - Too much.

✦ Thea note: Mingyu is so boyfriend coded I want to punch a wall, lately been thinking about daddy!mingyu a lot and how that would look like, but also Mingyu is not an easy character I swear this was a struggle, but here it is - and of course, it has a pussy drunk mingyu scene. Also thanks again @ni-aaaaaaa for helping me with this one 🫶

Moving is hard. Moving places is hard. Moving places almost across the country is harder.

So here you are - struggling to hold the elevator and a load boxes, but then he arrives - a knight in shiny armor or just a fit guy in gym clothes and sweats.

"Do you need help with that?" he asks pointing to the boxes.

"Hi, hm -" You start, and you want to be the crazy strong independent lady who doesn't need help, you listened to Destiny Child for fuck sake, you can pay your bills and load your boxes on the goddamn elevator, but you are so freaking tired. It's the second round of boxes and you will probably need to do more and drive to hand over the moving truck, but all you need and truly want is to take a shower, get rid of the sweat, and lay down with arms and legs open on your bed like you are a starfish. But then you remember, did you pack the body soap in the backpack? Suitcase? Boxes n 03 with bathroom-related things? And the bed sheets? Fuck.

"Do you have more or?" The nice guy with strong arms and gym clothes asks already lifting the three boxes at once, putting them in the elevator and stepping in the elevator door and letting you in.

"I have a few more in the truck but-" You click on the fourth floor button.

"Oh" He says pointing at the button and at you. "We’re neighbors, nice. You’re probably in the Mrs Smith apartment, right? Lovely lady, it was nice that her daughter took her in after she moved." The guy continues and you don't quite follow but hey, he is already unloading and leaving the boxes at the 03 door so you gonna take all the help. "Do you want to put them in or do you want to pick up the other boxes on the truck?"

"You don't actually need to-" You ask trying to be a polite neighbor and not a pushover, but Mr. Nice Guy and nice arms cuts you off.

"Oh don't worry, I didn't do back or arms today, if I don't need to squat too much it's alright" He says, big smile gracing his face as he tilts his head and, oh god ,he is quite hot and he is just so nice and big all over and you’re way too tired so you don't want to take the last few boxes and do a fourth trip to the garage when you can do just two - maybe one if the nice guy with big arms lift more than you think in his everyday trip to the gym. So, you just accept, because he could do what your noodles arms could never: lift more the two boxes at once.

"Look,” You say tidying the boxes near your door because you are a good neighbor and you don't want someone to trip in the hall because of you. "I'm very grateful, and I drove for like, more than ten hours, so I'm taking all the help I can get. And I don't know your diet but I'm so buying pizza after this so if you want you can joy. Like paying for all your service with a half of pizza."

So that's how you end up with nice-guy-strong-arms-buff-chest in your new apartment and learn that his name is actually Kim Mingyu and that he’s a software engineer and that he mainly goes to the gym to see people otherwise he would not get out of the house because he works remotely. So you also give your resume-of-life talk that you worked on rehearsing in that ten hour drive - needed to change cities because working on research isn't easy, new PhD in town, works on gender studies, and has a side hustle with a nonprofit.

"Oh, so you are smart smart,” Mingyu replied with a mouth full of pizza, trying to wash it down with coke.

"Nah,” You reply in the same situation. "Dumb enough to go into humanities actually.”

"Hey! That's nothing wrong with humanities," He says. "Once I wanted to be an archeologist - that goes into humanities, right?"

"I don't really know, probably?"

And you and Mingyu guy don't really turn into friends per se - and that's mainly your fault. He’s easy going and always talks to you in the elevator or hall when you’re going to the university and he’s going to the gym. He tells you to knock on his door for a movie, tells you that you both can go to a coffee shop nearby, and tells you that he knows nice restaurants, but you never quite follow his ideas.

You could say that it was because of your routine.  Kind of excruciating; you had a few classes to actually teach, research to plan and execute, and because you were the new one in the department, all the extra winter and summer courses to plan and teach was your obligation. Yey new job!

But the actual reason is that, yes, you are overloaded with your new job, and with the new city, and with new everything. So, when Mingyu asks you just can't bring yourself to actually do it. Part of you thinks he is just being nice, just trying to be friendly, he does have that kinda puppy energy going around him - too big, too excited, too much all over the place and knocking into everything. But part of you is scared that Mingyu nice-guy-all-over might be trying something with you that you can't actually handle right now. 

Because sometimes you catch how Mingyu looks at you - eyes lingering.. And God, this works wonders to your self-esteem. Once, when you actually wore your gym clothes and he was in his jeans for a change, you could see him visibly gulping on the hallway. He asked why he never saw you at his gym, you answered the only way possible, you don't go to the gym, you are one of the runs at the park lunatics, and he said it was a pity really, maybe he can start running and going to the park.

Or that time when you had to go to a nice dinner - fundraising and meeting people was the worst part of the job, but hey, you needed the money and the funds to go around interviewing women in politics across the country, so you put the nicest black dress you had and a pair of high heels. And when you leave the house, you scream to the person in the elevator to wait and do the silliest run in those shoes and it was Mingyu – dressed joggers and hair ruffled, contrasting to your polished appearance. "Hot date?" he asked in a small voice head tilting to look at you because even with your highest heels, he was still taller. "I wish, work, and you?" You answered. "Bad day.  Gonna pick up some beer." And you left the elevator just to see Mingyu ogling at your ass and getting flustered because of it.

So maybe when he asked you out you always brushed over, never actually said no. But you never said yes either. Because even though you were actually trying to handle all the other things in your life and a relationship did fall into the 'not-now-category' or in the 'probably-will-make-me-insane', you liked having Mingyu there, in the back of your mind, filling up your fantasies and what-ifs. It may be a bitch move, but it was what you could handle right now, because really, handling the new job, in a new city, basically friendless, and almost crying at your kitchen table, because one of the students needed a week extension and that alone was almost driving you insane. 

So having Mingyu on the back of your mind was the only thing you could handle right now. Mingyu and his big hands, strong arms and his nice fucking smile, and oh god, he did smell good. Your mind could - and would - wonder when you both got together on that dumb elevator and how you want to climb him like a goddamn tree. And sometimes you let your mind wander and think how everything would go if you said yes. If you went to a nice restaurant, what would happen? Would everything go smoothly and you end up on his sheets? Or yours? How would it feel having Mingyu in your bed? You have all the questions and none of the answers.

So, when you see Mingyu with a mini-Mingyu at his side, arms full of bags, and struggling to close his kid’s coat, you get a little mind blown. You think a little and Mingyu never actually talked about having a son or a daughter you couldn't really tell, and then you blame yourself maybe he didn’t say anything because you never said yes. You never went to the nice restaurant or the coffee shop. And then it fucks you up a bit, because what else do you not know about him - maybe silly things like what is his favorite food? What movies does he like? What in his binge-watch list?

Did Mingyu get married? He’s probably divorced - you think - because you never saw that kid before so mini-Mingyu didn’t live with Big-Mingyu, and also you never saw a woman and you think that if Mingyu was married he would not be looking at your ass in every step of the way down to the garage - or at least you hope not. Oh god, you don’t want to be a homewrecker, but then again, Mingyu doesn’t look like the guy who would do that: hit on you if he was in a relationship. Then it dawns on you, maybe, maybe he was just being friendly.

Right?  

But when Mingyu picks mini-Mingyu in his arms, still with too many bags and gives you a big, warm smile, you almost freeze.

“Hey,” He says clicking the elevator’s button. “Going to the Uni?” He asks as you go to his side, Mini-Gyu’s big eyes on your face - so you just give the little kid your best smile.

“Yep, one professor is out of town so I have a few extra classes this week to teach the kids the joy of classical sociology,” You say eyes leaving Mini-Gyu and actually going to Big-Gyu, and your mind gets fucked up a bit, because one, how do genes work? That kid is actually Mingyu's carbon copy and of course, you have not stepped in biology classes in a few years - but you are pretty sure that cloning is not yet allowed - maybe you should check it out in the ethics committee or something. Maybe Mingyu is committing some kind of crime.

“Nice,” And Mingyu finally looks at the kid who is still staring at you. “This is Minseok.” He says kind of rocking the kid up and down trying to adjust the begs on his shoulder. “Minseok and I are going to the park for a picnic date, aren't we, Minseok?” But Minseok doesn't actually answer, Minseok just hides his face on Mingyu’s shoulder, looking a little shy and you smile because he looks like he just got caught staring.

“Do you need help or?” You ask seeing how Mingyu continues to struggle.

“Nah, this little guy will just walk. He is just being shy he doesn’t know how to act in front of pretty girls,” And you can actually feel the pink in your cheeks and now you quite understand Minseok and the urge to hide. And maybe, maybe Mingyu is hitting on you in every damn elevator trip.

"Poor baby," You coo and you can actually see Mingyu's legs giving up a little and picking himself up. Minseok looks at you, hand closed in your direction, you give him an open palm and he shyly drops a little sticker. "Oh! Thank you very much," You say hand closing against your chest, analyzing the little Pikachu sticker.

"Oh god, I'm raising a womanizer," Mingyu says ruffling the kid’s hair. "Did you already feel in love with noona?" Mingyu asks Minseok and strokes his pink cheeks with his massive hands. You actually can't figure out Minseok's age, is he tiny? Or it is Mingyu that is bigger than the average person?

"I'm old enough to be his auntie, Mingyu." You say actually putting the little sticker in your bag. And for once you are the one that holds the elevator door for Mingyu and the scene looks so domestic that makes your heart clench a bit. You don’t even want a kid, you don’t even know if you are ready for it, but why does Mingyu with little Minseok in his arms make you feel jealous? Jealous of the person that you don’t even know, someone who doesn’t even have a face in your imagination.

"Nah, pretty girls are always noona," Mingyu says and you can feel how your cheeks are turning pink because you feel them hot.. "Anyway, good luck with the classes. We would actually invite you over for our little picnic date but I guess you’re a busy girl."

"You know the real professor is always on my ass, Mingyu." You say heading towards your car.

"Well," Mingyu says finally letting Minseok on the floor, Minseok’s hands tiny on Mingyu's and your heart kinda swells because it is a heart warming picture really. Because you know Mingyu is a fine ass man, with a nice personality paired with a mindblowing body, and he just looks like such a father with Minseok on his hand, well it didn't help that Minseok was the cutest kid you ever laid your eyes on, even though he looked a little shy, a little sad. "You know I am always free, so you can hit me up anytime."

So, when you are talking about how Marx and Weber see the society and the conflicts in it you can't quite stop thinking about Mingyu and Minseok and you could actually cry.

Cry, because you somehow, even with all that Mingyu said to you and all the little flirtatious jabs going on you feel like you lost an opportunity. But at the same time, you want to cry because the relationship gets more complicated if a child is evolved. You may be a bitch over the fact that maybe you lead Mingyu on without actually saying no, but a child? You can't lead a child on, you can’t just kiss-kiss peck-peck your neighbor and say hi to Minseok, or even worse, you can’t start a relationship with Kim Mingyu and then break up with Kim Mingyu after being involved in Minseok’s life. You can’t picture going every weekend to the park and then just vanishing because your life is too busy and the relationship doesn’t quite work. You think that you may be a bitch and break Mingyu’s heart - even though you don't think he’s crazy in love with you to you actually break his heart, but you couldn’t break Minseok because his big eyes and small pout is too cute.

And you want to cry because Mingyu is hot. You noticed that when he picked your boxes and his arms bulged against his sleeve. You have eyes so you can see, every time you see him really, or going to the gym, or in his lounge clothes, or when he is a little bit tidy but still in not formal clothes, you stop a little and you think you never actually saw Mingyu going on a date, or in formal wear. And now it makes sense: having a kid doesn’t actually make dating easier.

But now you see another side of him. Mingyu is endearing, he is cute and you suspect that he could treat you well. He looks reliable, he has a good job, and he is a nice guy. But all that went to a new level when he had a kid in his arms, it made you twitch a little. The way that he looks at the kid in his arms makes your heart inflate like a damn balloon and makes you think about all the other things that you don't know about Mingyu, all the little secrets, all the gaps in his personality.

And oh damn. You had a new problem on your hands. Cute dilf Mingyu was the problem.

So, when you and Mingyu see each other in the hall, you breathe deeply. Afraid to say you are a little relieved when Mingyu is kid-less, but still hot in his gym clothes.

"Park today?" Mingyu asks with a gym bag in his hand.

"Yeah, I'm almost near my 10km mark so I'm pushing it a little bit." You say self-conscious tugging on your clothes, fixing your leggings and top. Fuck, maybe you should've put that baggy shirt on. Why the hell you got out of the house looking like a crazy lady without even brushing your hair? Ok, you said to yourself that the run was the last thing before washing your hair and putting a mask on it, but still, you knew that Mingyu was always in the hall.

"Nice. I heard about the run, right? Some people at my gym are going." Mingyu says eyes still on you, making you twitch. And you know is not Mingyu’s fault.  He;’s always like that - he looks at you, pays attention, not even once you felt like you were not being heard when you were talking to him, not even when you were bitching because someone left the trashcan open.

"Oh god no, I'm not even close to the run’s entry level." You say tongue itching against your mouth. Mingyu has that quality really, he makes you curious and he makes you bold and afraid at the same time. But even if your mind says no, you still go for it. "So, no Minseok today?"

"Ah," Mingyu scratches his neck, almost shy, almost. "No, he is with his mom, the little guy was sick and had a few days off so no school for him, that's why he was so shy he was actually moody, but he liked you enough to give you his treasured Pikachu sticker."

"Oh yes." You actually pick up your phone and show Mingyu, and you feel a little silly but every time you see the Pikachu behind it makes you smile. "It’s not a sticker anymore, it evolved in the lucky charm category."

"Oh" Mingyu says looking at you and at your phone with an endearing look on his face that you couldn't quite puzzle. "That's actually cute."

"I mean," you shrug.

"Well, I gonna tell him that you treasure his Pikachu. It's not like he doesn’t already have a big crush on you." Mingyu teases looking at you like he wants to see every little reaction, like he wants to put the puzzle of you together like every detail matters.

"Stop, he was just being cute and polite you should be proud." You shove Mingyu but he doesn't even bulge. Damn, he was strong.

"Oh I am, but that's not polite, that's his love language, he even talked about you to his mom." Mingyu says eyes still on you, and you think for a second how funny it is, that he actually makes you feel this way, make you feel opposite worlds at the same time, makes you want to run and hide but and makes you want to stretch and bath of every ray of attention he gives you. "And he calls you elevator noona."

"Nooooooo," you say feeling pretty good that you stole the kid's heart in one elevator trip, Minseok was easier to win over than Mingyu.

"Yeeeees," Mingyu mocks you, and again he looks shy but Mingyu is not a shy person so that makes you think, makes you ponder. "Actually, he is going to be around for a few days so if you want to go to the park or-"

"Are you free today?" You ask, and you can see Mingyu's eyes bulge, his face making sure that you know that he is not understanding what you meant.

"Hun?" He says, head moving almost like a dog.

"Today, are you free? I mean I know that you are going to the gym, but we can go to that coffee shop you said and just chat a little." When the elevator stops, Mingyu, like always holding the door for you.

"Oh, hm-" He looks at his bag, then at the elevator door closing, then at you.

"Don't worry,” You say trying to soothe him, hands gesturing and all. “It was dumb to ask when I know you have plans, we can rain-check it."

"No, no, just-" Mingyu start to pat himself searching for his phone, chest, then front pocket, then back pockets, then looking at his bag. "Let me just call Chan and tell him I'm not going to the gym."

"Noooo," You feel so silly that you almost stomp your feet on the ground like a child. "You can go, we can just meet up or rain-check it, don't worry, you always understand when I'm too busy so-"

"Noooo," He copies you. "I’ll tell Chan that I'm doing cardio today," He starts typing on his phone. "I’m doing so much cardio in the park, running is the best exercise ever."

“Now, you’re just mocking me,” You say trying to push him again but this time he pretends you are strong enough to make him move.

“Nah, not doing anything.”

Mingyu doesn't make a big deal of changing plans - which is so weird to you, a planner and an avid checker of to do-lists. The only detour he needs is to stop at his car because he can't run with his gym bag. And that's how you end up running with Mingyu, and even though you have a good pace, Mingyu's legs are just way too big, so you always end up getting a little behind.

And again, Mingyu is so caring and nice that sometimes he dashes off but when he sees you are not following his pace he stops a bit, running in place waiting for you with a big smile. Damn, you are fucked because you feel like every time Mingyu smiles, a halo of sunshine forms against his figure. You knew he was pretty, you knew he was handsome, and you knew he was hot, but now you know that he may be mother's nature favorite and that is just unfair.

Mingyu has long legs, but you have endurance, so when he is almost dying you are good to go - maybe not so good, but you can keep going for a few more kilometers.

"See you could totally go for the run. You can take a lot more than I do." Mingyu says panting, hand on his waist, bending over.

"Nah, that would make running serious and with a goal, that ruins the fun." You say fixing your hair, tying it in a high ponytail again.

"Sometimes I wonder how your mind works," Mingyu says, seriously, making you stop in your tracks, making your head tilt, and actually look at Mingyu who looks like he is trying to puzzle you. "You say things like that and the way you think is so-" He trails off again, looking at his feet, then at everything but you. "The way you think gives me a new perspective on things."

And you could almost cry. Because at the same time, you feel so seen yet vulnerable. You feel more naked than when you are actually naked with some random guy. And you breath so deeply, because sometimes you run laps just to keep things hidden, you go through mental gymnastics trying to keep things under the rug. And it clicks in your head. Maybe that's why you avoid Mingyu, that's why you always say no because to him, you are so easy to read that actually scares you. So, you do the best you can, avoid.

"Ok Mingyu, you called me weird and now you are paying for coffee," you say storming off in front of him.

"I did not call you weird, don't put words in my mouth," He grins, again next to you because of his long legs. You almost think about kicking him in the shin and storming off. "What I am saying is that we are very, very different."

"And that's a bad thing?" You ask self-conscious, feeling your body actually shrink.

"It's not bad, it's different," Mingyu says opening up the door for you. "We think differently, that's all."

"A latte please and a-" You ask Mingyu.

"A latte and an Americano," Mingyu says.

So, you both get your drinks and sit on a pretty outside table per your request. The weather is good enough for it.

"That's what I am talking about," Mingyu says with a sip. "When I am all sweat what I want is to just be inside with the AC on, you prefer to sit outside."

"I'm sweat I feel sticky in the AC." You shrug.

"You see, I feel sticky outside," he responds.

"Do you want to go inside we can-" you say already picking up your drink and getting up when you feel Mingyu's hand on your arm.

"What I am saying is that we are different." Mingyu gives you a soothing smile. "I am data-driven, you lean towards contexts. I need goals, clear goals, otherwise, I feel unmotivated, but you feel like goals take away the fun. We are different and that's nothing wrong with that, so maybe that's why I feel so interested in you."

"I'm not that interesting," you say, taking only a sip to buy more time. Actually, I'm boring."

"See, you can't take a compliment either! I love compliments, just could play a 24h audio just praising me." Mingyu says shamelessly, making you laugh.

"Yeah, I'm not good on that but I'm serious. Like, there’s not much going on here." You say pointing to yourself.

"Oh, like the poets said, if you could see yourself though my eyes," Mingyu says making you blush and look away.

"Don't say things like that." You complain, pouting like a kid.

"Oh, come on," Mingyu’s smile is big, and you see that he’s enjoying making you shy, making you embarrassed. "It's not like it’s not clear that I'm into you, I even asked you out and you were the one that dumped me."

"I didn't dump you," You say almost kicking his shin below the desk, not because you want to but because you almost had a Pavlovian reaction. "I never said no and I'm truly busy."

"Not saying no is not the same as saying yes. I know that I'm being a little pushover, but I am a simple guy. I don't see why hide that I’m into you or find you hot and interesting. And I know that you know that, and I also know that you are not into me so" He shrugs. "It's not a big deal really."

"I-" You start but you almost freeze. "Fuck, I'm so bad at this," You say to Mingyu giving him your best I'm So Sorry Smile "Look I'm not good at this, I don't flirt, and honestly small talk almost kills me. And I gonna sound like such a bitch, but it's me it's not you?" You say again giving Mingyu that smile, searching for any trace of reaction on his face "You are a nice guy and you are funny, and god you are so good looking like almost unreal good looking -" And you laugh because Mingyu is liking the shower of praises, he is enjoying every step of the way like he said he did. "But, I feel like I'm not that ready, all the changes is making me freak out and it is making me so unsure and I need time to put myself up, and I can’t ask for you to wait-"

"Oh, I’m so waiting," Mingyu says, leaning on the chair, crossing his legs and arms and looking so smug.

"I cannot ask you for that because I don't even know when I will feel ready and-" You continue, behaving like Mingyu didn't say a thing.

"Once a week," He says still looking smug it makes you stop in your tracks.

“Huh?”

"Once a week, we can see each other once a week. It can be a date in a nice restaurant, it can be run, it can be a trip to the market, anything really, just-" Mingyu breathes changing positions, and taking a sip of his coffee. "If you don't feel ready or don’t want me like that I will understand and if doesn't work out at least we can be friends, like you said I’m a nice guy."

And that's how you end up entering in Mingyu's life and letting Mingyu enter yours. That's how you end up on Mingyu's sofa, two weeks later, on a Friday night, chilling, Mingyu's head on your lap, fingers threading through his soft hair, paying more attention to him than the movie really. And that’s because Mingyu was kissing you before you two chose the movie. He kissed you against his door, and gave you a peck when you put your bag on his table, and he kissed you again on the sofa, make you whimper because the way he is holding your hips. But he is a nice guy, and you said you were not ready for all that, so he goes back to his good guy persona and lays on the couch, head in your lap, leg almost entirely off the couch.

And then his phone rings and rings, so Mingyu breathes deeply and annoyed, because who dares disturb his head-rubbing time and sits up.

"Hey," Mingyu says and his face changes so fast you can almost feel in the air "Okay okay, just-" he says already getting up and doing his back pocket tap that he always does to go out. "Okay, just give him some Tylenol, ok? I’m already on my way, I can call when I'm about ten minutes away so you can go down, ok? It’ll be faster."

He stops to look at you. And he looks so afraid that you just know it is about Minseok.

"It’s ok. Go." You say because it is, the change of his demeanor says is something important.

"Fuck," Mingyu says, hands going to his hair and tugging it "It’s just Minseok. We just found out he has Crohn's disease and he is having a flare up. We need to take him to the hospital, he is down with a fever so it’s not a good sign and I should go really."

"I can drive," You say getting up as well.

“Oh no, no you can stay really finish the movie, you can totally feel at home, you can cook something or shit-"

"Mingyu," You say searching for his hand, big against yours. "You are shaking." And you can almost feel the energy trapped inside him, making him tremble all over. "Hey it's gonna be OK, Minseok is gonna be fine. I just need you to calm down. I’ll drive and everything will be OK. Minseok needs you calm."

"Ok, ok. Thank you."

So you guys storm off. You guys ended up in Mingyu's car, you fixing up his car seat and his rear view mirror to make comfortable to you. And every time you stop on a red traffic light you check Mingyu out, breath still fast enough for you to notice, face full of worry. And in that moment, you think you care so deeply about Mingyu, because seeing him like that is making your heart break in tiny little pieces.

Because Mingyu is just not like that. To you, Mingyu is always warm, always full of energy. He’s like a warm soft blank that has just enough weight so you can feel grounded on your bed. Mingyu is a night sky - big but so full of stars, those same stars bright enough to guide you home.

When you finally arrive at Minseok's place you see the little guy in his mother's arm and that makes your heart break all over again. You see Mingyu open the door for them, and he goes to the other side putting Minseok in his little chair, the woman doesn't even look at you, her full attention on Minseok, but still you feel uneasy. Out of place. You feel like you are barging in in a scene that is not yours, like an extra ruining the shoot. But then Mingyu is at your side again, hands on your thigh, big in contrast, and you feel his warmth and assurance, so you just drive.

At the hospital, everything seems kind of hectic, and you again feel out place again, asking yourself if you should be there. In your mind, you know you did the best of the situation: you helped Mingyu, and that should be enough. But emotionally, you feel so damn invisible in it all, and that makes you feel even worse because it makes you feel so egoistic. For God's sake, a child is sick needing a hospital and here are you feeling like you need to cry because fuck you feel out of place? Feeling pathetic about it makes you want to cry too.

So, when you and Minseok's mother are side by side, coffee in hands and Mingyu on the loose searching for food, you want to just get up and leave without giving a proper explanation, but you think you need to be a reasonable adult.

"You see…" Minseok's mother starts. "Mingyu never brought a girl home." And you kinda feel strange what she is saying but hey her kid is on the hospital, she may be going crazy. "I never actually even saw one of his girlfriends, ever."

"Oh, I’m not his girlfriend, we’re just friends." You start, but the taste of the phrase feels weird against your tongue.

"Yeah," She laughs, and you know she is laughing at you, which makes everything worse. "I know my brother and I know how he looks to someone." She says, holding her head, elbows on her own thighs, and she looks so so tired, and that too, makes you want to cry. "But I’m glad that you are here. I may not seem glad because my kid is right now on a hospital bed, but-" she says laughing again, and now you are not so sure why she is laughing, she looks so exhausted she is almost out of it. "But since Minseok's father passed away Mingyu is just giving his all you know? He bends over backwards for us. He picks Minseok on school when I can’t get out of the work on time, he was the one who could actually take care of Minseok the last time he went to hospital because I was too damn busy, and he actually cooks for us and he just goes to my home to leave side dishes. He is doing more than he should. He is doing what a father should be doing." She says and you hear her heart breaking, you almost see the blood, because she is so transparent, so worried, so sorry, and all that don't make sense in your head. "What I’m trying to say is that my little brother is precious, so if you fuck up, I might kick your ass."

"I thought he was-"

"Minseok's father? I know I gave birth to a mini version of my brother, but like, it's a little screwed up you didn’t know. Maybe you guys should work on your communication."

And that stays on your mind. Stays on your mind when it gets too late to get an Uber so Mingyu insists on you driving his car back because ubers can be weird and unsafe. Stays on your mind when he doesn't text you. Stays on your mind when you are at university, yet again lecturing about sociology classics and some passionate kids are debating about communism, and you can't even make yourself worry that you are not that older than the people you call kids. Stays on your mind when you arrive home and you can't quite bring enough courage to knock on Mingyu's door.

But then two days after the whole not-Minseok-daddy’s fiasco, Mingyu is at your door. Looking like a truck just hit him, the same clothes from a few days, body a mess, and you suspect that mind too. So, you let Mingyu in, guide him to your shower, go to his home pick up his clothes, and you roll your sleeve and start making Mingyu dinner. You are not a good cook, and Mingyu is certainly better than you, but still, you try your best. It’s what you’ve been doing all your life really.

You are putting garlic and onions in the pan when you feel Mingyu's arms going around you. He puts his forehead on your shoulder, and you can smell your soap’s scent on his skin.

"I'm sorry I vanished."

"It's okay it must have been tough. I understand."

"I know you do, and I'm very thankful for that but-" Mingyu turns his head to your neck, and you can feel his smell you and his hot breath against it. "I still shouldn't have done it. It was a dick move. You were also worried."

"Yeah, but it’s okay. Is he okay?" You say lowering the fire.

"Yeah, he is already talking about how his mom should give him a better cellphone so he can play Pokémon go at the hospital because everything is so boring."

"See? He’s okay. Minseok is fine." You say turning and giving Mingyu a hug, his head going again to your neck, almost rubbing himself on you.

"Yeah, we just need to pay more attention to his diet." He says still bending to hug you.

"See, Minseok is fine, but you don't look so good sir, so let me treat you to a nice, homemade meal." You say giving his butt a little tap because one more second in Mingyu's and everything will be burned in the pan.

"What I did do to deserve you?"

"A lot of things, Gyu, a whole lot of things."

Mingyu eats, and it seems to improve his energy a bit because he insists on watching a movie with you, even tho you know he looks like he may fall asleep at every minute - he didn't actually sleep soundly for two days and you said that to him, but, being the stubborn guy he is, he still insists. So you two end up in your bed, bodies tangled, Mingyu's head on your chest, your fingers going through his hair - he favorite thing in the whole world he says and that makes your heart bloom, full of tiny little flowers.

You wake up in a different situation. Mingyu's body now pressed against your back, his thigh big against yours, and his hand splayed against your other thigh. Mingyu's strong arms around you, and he is warm against you and surprisingly soft. You squirm a little trying to change position until you can face Mingyu, face soft and peaceful.

And fuck.

Maybe you don't just care about Mingyu.

Maybe, just, maybe you have fallen in love with him. Maybe now, after having him on your bed, you will continuously think about how you want to wake up in his arms. Maybe you will continuously think about how you want to be Mingyu's shelter, how you want to be the place he comes back to when times get rougher. Maybe you want to be Mingyu's night sky clear enough and starry enough to guide him home. And all that makes you feel like you want to cry and weep because maybe you are not ready enough. Maybe you will never be. But you want to be, you want so much and that makes things even harder.

So when Mingyu gives you a peck on the lips when he is going home to change for the gym and you are ready for a day in the university you also feel like crying.

And when Mingyu sends you a message asking you out - on a proper date he makes that clear enough you also feel like crying.

And when Mingyu is knocking on your door because you didn't answer and he saw your car in the garage when he was back from his market trip you are already crying before even answering the door.

"Hey-" He freezes and his demeanor changes. "Hey, what's wrong?"

You just continue to cry, feeling like a dumb little kid, feeling like a pan full of water in the stove, boiling and overflowing.

"Hey, babe what's wrong?" Mingyu says, hands on your cheeks making you look at him. "You’re making me worried."

"I just-" You try to say, cleaning your face but you just hiccup harder.

"Are you feeling unwell? Do you need to go to the hospital?"

"No, I'm OK." And you say because you see Mingyu's face squirm in agony.

"Ok, ok. Do you need anything? Do you want me to buy anything? Fix anything? Did someone mistreat you?" Mingyus 

continues to try searching for something in your face.

"No I-"

"You can tell me if it is someone from your work or-" He tries again.

"It is not about work, it is about us." You finally say, not because you summed up the courage, but because the way Mingyu is acting is breaking your heart all over again.

"Us?" Mingyu bends his head to the side. "Okay, what's wrong with us?"

"Sometimes I get too wrapped up in my head and that's not your fault." You say, just leaving him there and sitting on the sofa. And you feel the urge to just tug at your hair and scream. "And the whole I'm not ready thing and your sister-"

"What did my sister say?" Mingyu cuts you, closer to you, arms folded against his chest.

“It’s  not because of what she said, she is actually right about it-"

"Look babe, I love my sister to death, I love Minseok to death, I’d die and kill for both of them, but my sister is overprotective so whatever she said-"

"She said we don't have good communication." You blur out at once.

"Oh, for fucks sake,"

"And she’s right because I thought Minseok was your kid right?" You tell Mingyu a little exasperated. "Like we've been hanging out right? And I didn't feel comfortable to talk about it with you"

"Everyone thinks Minseok is my kid." Mingyu says like is not a big deal.

"Yeah but your maybe girlfriend shouldn't and I found out on a trip to a hospital when all the time I was thinking about how worried you were because it was your kid." You say bringing your knees to your chest because all this is fucked up, you shouldn't be talking about this with Mingyu because you have no right to, you were the one that spent too much time not saying yes, and when you said yes didn't even feel like a yes to be honest.

"I was worried, and Minseok is my kid in a way.”

"Mingyu,” You breathe deeply, because you feel stupid, and you feel like you are asking too much "Maybe that's my fault too, I'm not blaming you, that's why I told you that I was not ready for a relationship because I always fuck things up. I get so scared that I fuck things up before people realize I'm not good enough fo-"

"For fucks sake," Mingyu says opening his arms and tilting his head again. And you think is the first time you see Mingyu mad or frustrated, or both at the same time, you really can’t time. "What the fuck do you mean with not good enough? You are caring, you are smart, and you actually drove me to the hospital and stayed there until I kicked you out. All that when we’ve been seeing each other for two weeks, how is that not being good enough?" Mingyu take your hand that is laying against your knee and caresses it with his thumb. "You make me go crazy every time we are together and I feel the happiest I've ever been in these months fuck this year actually has been a hell for me." Mingyu kicks nothing, and you feel so sorry for bringing it up, for crying, because you can see that this is hard for him too. "So yeah, maybe you are not ready so what? Maybe we don't have communication, yeah sure we fucked up, but if you get out of your head, maybe it’s all because I'm the asshole, I'm the one who loves his nephew enough to want to actually fit the dad shoes because Minseok deserves a father figure. I-" Mingyus says and you can see that his knee almost buckles, making him change positions. "I'm still lacking too, maybe I'm a mess too, fuck, maybe I'm not ready too, but I prefer not being ready together than being ready at the wrong time." Mingyu takes another step, and his hand goes to your cheeks caressing it, making you closer your eyes and just enjoy his faint touch. “So don’t feel pressured ok? You are not in this alone, and I told you I’m all okay with waiting and I’m- I may not seem like it, but I am a mess too, I have my doubts too, and I get into my head too. So when you are getting all crazy and stuff just, just let’s have a talk, ok?”

“Okay, yeah. Okay.” You say catching his hand and kissing his palm. “Can we order food? Can we order Chinese?”

“Of course we can, baby.” Mingyu says with a chuckle.

“And then, " You start unsure of yourself because you still think you are asking too much and giving too little. "Then can you tell me about Minseok? Can we talk about the whole history?”

“Of course, we can” Mingyu says, looking at you fondly again, and for once you feel that being transparent to Mingyu is not that bad because you feel like he understands you need. “I may cry though, so…”

“It's okay, I'm pretty sure you gonna be cute crying.” Mingyu gives you a big smile and that makes you feel alright.

So Mingyu tells you a lot. He tells about Minseok's dad death, he tells about his own father's death and how that impacted him, and how he draws the parallel between Minseok and himself. He talks about how his sister is so protective of him even tho she is half his size, he talks about how his sister always picked his fight. He tells you about Minseok favorite things - Pokémon, ice cream, and dinosaurs. He tells you everything he can think of until you two finish up dinner, and he continues to tell you everything when you are laying in his arms, his hands on your hair, your body over him - legs and arms across Mingyu, because you feel the need to hug his big and beautiful heart, but you settle the need hugging him instead.

And you and Mingyu just fall into a routine easily. You sleeping on his bed or him sleeping on yours, even though his feet always hang on the end of your bed because he is just too damn big and tall. You always say goodbyes at the door, or on the elevator, Mingyu going to the gym, you to your work. Sometimes, when Mingyu has a deadline you stop at your favorite restaurant and order food to cheer him up. Sometimes, Mingyu picks you up so you guys can eat out for a change. But the thing is - its always more than once a week.

So when Mingyu knocks on your door, maybe the fourth time this week (without counting the times you knocked on his door) you are ready to give a pretty and polished version, with heels and all, because Mingyu is taking you to the new fancy restaurant across town.

"Hey-Wow" Mingyu says and you almost throw yourself at him, you almost drool and make a fool of yourself, because Mingyu is wearing black slacks and a white button-down, and god your boyfriend is so hot. "You look amazing babe." He says holding your finger up and making you twirl.

"Thanks," You give him a kick peck and spread your hands against his chest. "You don't look so bad either."

The restaurant is nice, the place is beautiful, the food amazing, and the wine Mingyu ordered tastes so good against your tongue. But the only thing you actually think of is him. His pretty skin pecking out of hir shirt collar, his pretty lazy smile against a few cups of wine, his strong arms and peck against the fabric of his shirt.

When you guys finally settle on the Uber, Mingyu does one of the things he does best - he thinks and conjures in his mind that every damn living thing is in love with you, and it is endearing really. He is so protective and caring and that makes you want to jump him too. He nods to the uber and his big ass hand rest on your thigh, just where the hem of your black dress ends.

And you want to kiss him so bad, if it wasn't for the Uber, you could probably ride him in the backseat. You tug Mingyu's arms making him bend a little in your direction, while your other hand is splayed on top of his, fingers interwind. You kiss Mingyu’s jaw and feel his arm up, god, he is so strong and so hard all over it makes you go crazy, makes you want to merge your body with his, so you just try to get closer to him even if you know it's not really possible.

“You smell nice,” You say almost sniffing Mingyu, hand on his biceps and face on the slot of his neck.

“I smell like I always do?” Mingyu answers you but is more a question really. His hand still on you thigh, but this time giving it a squeeze.

“Yeah, but you always smell nice, baby.” You hands travels up - stopping on his chest. Well, fuck the uber really, he probably sees couples feeling eachother up all the time, so you just paw Mingyu chest.

“Thanks babe but,” He says, holding your hand and giving you a chuckle when he sees you pouting on his shoulder.

“No fun.” You say still trying to get your hand free, to feel Mingyu up in the backseat like a fucking teenager. And to be honest you like the prospect of it giggling a little, feeling dumb, but oh so happy.

“No fun?” Mingyu asks you. “I’m the most fun guy you’ve ever met, I love fun. Fun and I are synonyms.”

“Well, I’m trying to feel you up in the backseat of an uber and you’re not letting me, so, you are the most boring guy ever.” You say on Mingyu’s ear, whispering the words, and you just see his body jerking. He starts to cough, looking at you disbelieved, and you do the only thing possible and laugh.

You take pity on Mingyu's situation, because he is almost choking on the backseat. So you behave like a little girl, hands on her lap, no more touching his boobs, or trying to lick his neck and jaw. But you still think about every other thing you want to do to him. You think about how Mingyu’s hands are big and the way he always put on the small of your back, and you question how it would feel against your neck.

You also want to discover every nook and cranny of Mingyu. Because you love the way he is so reliable in every aspects of adult-life that you struggle a little, he was the one that dealt with the new ac installation in your apartment, but you also love the way he gets so silly and pouts with the smallest and easiest things, and deep down you know Mingyu can do that task, he was big and strong, yet you were the one taking the grasshopper off his balcony.

But when Mingyu is glued to your back, hands on your hips and mouth on your neck on the elevator you think that you settle to discover this version of him today. The version that has you wrapped up in his arms, and the version that has the audacity to feel you up in the elevator.

“You are such a jerk.” You say to Mingyu still latched on your neck.

“Me?” Mingyu asks trailing his hand till they stop on your ribcages, fingers digging in.

"Yes, you." You say trying to get out of Mingyu's embrace but he’s just so clinging, glued to your back, and he is actually keeping you in place with his strong arms. "You can do everything and I can't feel up in the uber. It’s unfair."

"Baby, the uber was right there." Mingyus says guiding you though the hall and stopping on your door.

"Yeah and the crazy lady from the 07 can show up at anytime." You say trying to up your door but Mingyu hands are still on you, now on the hem of your dress, toying with it. "I really shouldn't you let get your way with me today."

"Don't even think about that." Mingyu says, hands again on your hips, this time he starts rutting against your back. "I might die." And you two almost trip when you finally open the door and Mingyu's body weight makes you go forward.

"Yeah, but I’m still mad with you." You say tugging on Mingyu's shirt, his large body pressing you against the wall.

"Baby’s mad?" Mingyu coos, and your legs almost give up because the condescending tone his uses make your brain stop. "What can I do then, hmm?" Mingyu says already lifting your dress up. "What can I do so my baby is not mad with me?"

So you do the only thing you think really, you put hands on Mingyu's neck and bring him to a kiss, it is sloppy but you don't even care, because Mingyu's lip feel so soft, and you can trace the taste of the wine on his tongue. And you are so distracted that you only realize Mingyu is getting you naked when he breaks the kiss to take off your dress.

"Fuck-" Mingyu says actually looking at you, hands on your waist holding you back enough so he can see the way that the black lingerie you bought a few days ago cling onto your skin.

"Come here." You say grabbing Mingyu's shirt again, wanting his mouth back on yours. But Mingyu cuts the kiss short again, leaving sloppy kisses on your jaw and neck. "Babe." You call again, hand going to his hair and tugging.

"I know, I know" Mingyu says kissing your collarbone. "Fuck-" He says taking a step back again and you can feel your body going in his direction, but Mingyu's hand steadies you against the wall. "Just- you look so pretty." Mingyu says looking at you and you’d almost feel shy if you didn't feel so needy. "Look at you." He says hand traveling to touch your boobs so fucking softly you almost melt, fingertips grazing against your lingerie.

"Babe," You whine again, trying to get Mingyu's attention, but he doesn't care, too lost kissing your chest.

"Fuck-" Mingyu says grabbing your hips, toying with your panty line. "Wanna eat you out so bad," He says like almost begging and you need to balance yourself on his shoulders. "You’ll let me right?" Mingyu says looking at you, eyes still against on your skin.

And you feel like your mouth is not working properly so you just give him a nod and it's enough for Mingyu trails his lips lower and actually kneel in front of you. And that alone should be fucking illegal, so when he plants a little kiss on your mound you think you are ready to go straight to hell because you just want to shove his face on your pussy, but instead you just hold Mingyu's face, hands on his jaw.

"I-" he starts, hands on your ass, fingers digging on your skin. When you look at him again he looks so out of it, so lost, so pussy drunk you can almost cry. And when Mingyu actually starts to lap at your pussy, your lingerie still in place you feel actually insane, clenching around nothing and the feel of your wet panties against your core makes you tug at his hair. The way Mingyu looks - eyes closed, hair a mess because of you, eyebrows furrowing in concentration makes your hips buckle against his mouth, but he just keeps going, like there is no other thought in his mind.

"Babe please I need-" You say breathing rapidly, and you feel the urge to cry again, because is so good but at the same time is not enough.

"Hm?" Mingyu says mouth still on you, eyes opening looking at you.

"Need more." You say pathetically, but if you need to beg, you will beg.

"Yeah?" Mingyu asks. "Gonna give to you baby." He says just so he can get his mouth off of you to tug your panties to the side. Then his mouth is on your pussy again, like he can't really spent more than two seconds apart. And you just mew, one hand on Mingyu's hair, and another one trying to keep your body straight against the wall. "Fuck-" Mingyu says again tugging at your panties to the side again, and you can feel it digging at your chest but you don’t care. "How can a pussy taste so good?" Mingyu asks but you doesn't really have an answer, and you feel Mingyu's strong hands on your leg, manhandled your into position, leg against his shoulder, hand splayed on your thigh, while the other one goes to your pussy opening you up. "Pussy’s so pretty fuck, could eat you out for days." He says almost breathless before going back to lap at your pussy, fingers still keeping your open and sucking at your clit.

And everything makes you feel insane. Of course Mingyu's tongue against your entrance makes your knees give up, of course the way he keeps you open for his mouth makes it so dirty, but whats really keeps you going, what makes you reach the edge so fast is the way he hums against your pussy, like it's his favorite thing in the world, the way he is so fucking desperately laps at it, the way the everytime your hips buckle Mingyu just follows the moviment because he can't take his mouth off you for a fucking second and it's what makes you cum. And you actually need to hold Mingyu's head for a minute so he leaves your pussy in other to you catch a breath.

"Need a minute," You say explaining when he looks at you puzzled. "Sensitive."

"Did you just-" Mingyu stops, looking at you and at your pussy making you laugh a little. "Did you just cum?"

"Yeah?"

"Fuck, you are so hot." He says giving the leg that still on his shoulder a bite. "But you can take more right?" He says fingers tracing your pussy, pressing your clit making you jump a little. "You need to take more babe, gonna eat your pussy again, open you up with my fingers," he says fingers on your entrance "and then will you make you come on my cock I know you will take so fucking well-" and he plants a kiss on you clit again. "Pretty pussy taking my cock hm? Gonna make you enjoy it, promise, gonna make you feel good."

And you don't doubt for a second that he will make you feel good, fuck he just made you cum against a wall two steps away from your door, but before you can say anything Mingyu is attatched to your pussy again.

"Wait, babe" Mingyu says. "This damn thing is getting on my way." He says letting your legs fall down and he finally takes off your panties, not even bothering to get really off of you, Mingyu just let one of your legs free while your panties sits on your feet. "God, if you let me, I will eat you out everyday, lick this pussy everyday before getting out of bed." He says like he is telling you about a new habits like drinking water first thing on the morning, or have a juice everyday - but he is talking about how he wants to bury his face on your legs like he is doing now, tongue going against your folders, arm going around your leg and opening you open again for him, while the other one goes to your ribcage keeping your body upright. And you loose track of time really, just focusing on Mingyu's tongue against you, humming all over again. "Fuck, how can a cunt taste so fucking good." Mingyu says mouth leaving your pussy as his fingers tacking its place. "You are making me insane, going to cum at my pants if we keep going like this." And you can actually see Mingyu palming himself.

"We can-" You try to start but he just chuckles.

"Oh no, don't worry about me." He says eyes leaving you and going again to your pussy, and you feel so exposed in Mingyu's hand, his digit finally entering you which makes you whimper, until know you didn't really paid attention on how empty you felt. "Making you feel good is enough for me." He says like he is not fingerfucking you to the second orgasm of the night. And again is not really the actions itself, of course. Mingyu’s longer fingers entering you is so fucking good, the way his thumb goes at your clitoris rubbing it in circles makes you cry, but when you look down and Mingyu barely blinks, eyes on your pussy and licking his lips like he didn't eat your pussy for minutes, is what makes you break, the way he looks so fucked blissed about giving you pleasure like he doesn’t need anything else.

And you come on his fingers and almost melting, but Mingyu lifts and holds you up, giving your ass a squeeze.

"So fucking hot-" Mingyu says his strong arms around you making you move towards the sofa, and you are pretty sure he is just dragging you around because your legs gave up. "Could use my mouth to clean you up-" and you almost scream when he is laying on the sofa, letting himself get comfortable between your legs.

"Babe, I love your mouth," you say tugging in Mingyus shirt, and how the fuck he is not naked. "but really I need your cock, otherwise I might go crazy." And you use your last few working neurons to start open the buttons on his shirt but suddenly stop when Mingyu just shoves two fingers inside you again.

"Hm, but you look stuffed enough baby." Mingyu says lowering himself and giving you a kiss, you feeling the taste of your pussy on his mouth.

"Mingyu, please" You beg. "Please, I-"

"Shh, it's okay, gonna give it to you." He says finally getting off his shirt and you feel so empty you can feel yourself clenching over nothing, and you can see how Mingyu just watches your pussy. "Fuck, baby, don't worry" He says already opening up his pants. "Gonna give to you real good, gonna make you feel so full."

"Oh, thank god." You say making him laugh before getting naked, and fuck, he was pretty and big all over. And you almost drool because, shit, even his dick is pretty. "Can I suck you off?" You ask already crazy enough that you mind-mouth filter just vanished.

"Oh fuck," Mingyu say hips buckling, making his cock sits on your mound, and he looks so big. Thank fuck he stretched you out. "Yeah, yeah not now though, might cum on your mouth."

"That's alright."

"Babe," Mingyus mewls, head resting on your collarbone, looking defeated. "Don't say things like that I almost-" He says hips buckling again. "Wanna fuck you properly."

"Ok, ok, but later…"

"Yeah, you can choke on it later, I won't be against it." And god, you want Mingyu to shut the fuck up because if he keeps talking to you, you’re gonna cum again without his dick inside you. "Fuck, might not last long" Mingyu says, and you almost laugh at him, because he is acting like you are not one step away from being spent just because of your mouth. Mingyu guides his cock with his hand, mouth watering looking at it, and when you feel hime ntering you you actually sees your boyfriend gulp.

And then you think about Mingyu saying how different you both are from each other. How his main sense is his vision, while for you, every touch sends you overdrive. And how both of you are so different but fit so well, because when Mingyu is fucking you, his body against yours, mouth at your jaw and hand holding yours, you feel like earth could collapse and the world could end because you already had the taste of the most important thing in the world; the taste of being loved by Mingyu, and you are sure nothing will come close to it.

You feel the urge to make Mingyu feel the same way, so loved and so cherished. So while Mingyu is fucking you, you try your best, you kiss his jaw - and it's messy and sloppy, but it's the best you can do when his dick is stretching you out. You claw at his shoulder, and you put your legs around his waits.

"Fuck, baby-" You try to speak again but you feel unable to, like your brain are not even trying to put more than two words together.

"I'm so fucking close." Mingyu says with his thrust getting faster, out of rhythm, body more pressed against yours.

And you just let the wave wash over you. You can feel Mingyu getting even more unruly, babbling things that you can't really make sense because, fuck, you are so gone. The way that he fills you up in every corner is just different, the way that he stretches you almost makes you feel like you arrived at a point of no return, and when you cum, clenching around him, Mingyu reaches his breaking point.

"Fuck-" He says getting off of you, and getting his hair out of his face, and his smile is so big, so beautiful and so lazy you could just kiss him if your limbs were working really.

"Hey baby, can you please take my bra off?" You say already turning on the bed but when Mingyu's laugh reaches your ears you are so fucking glad that you moved.

[wh-xb700]

i drank coffee yesterday and i barely drank much mind u but i was struggling to sleep the entire night and now im sleep deprived

what i did was that:

i had quite a sufficient amount of sleep,and i also took a nap so i ended up being well-rested

coffee mixture: barely 2 teaspoons of coffee + not much milk + a decent amount of white sugar. i wasn't overdoing anything

i ate my meal as i was drinking. very slowly. took me about an hour to finish both my meal and my coffee actually. the reason why i couldn't sleep last night was cos i drank pag 2 pm lol

i didn't rly expect to be hit by the caffeine at all!!! i just drank for the sole motivation that i could make it through reading my book

i was downstairs when this happened and situated like near the door to the outside, which meant i was exposed to the winds. also happened to be raining too

i found that when i was inside my room, i started feeling sleepy already, i felt like my caffeine was wearing off. so i decided to just read my book downstairs in the same spot as i did facing outside and the caffeine resumed.

i realized that there's something in my bedroom that's specifically stopping the caffeine from taking effect, and i JUST noticed that now. like in all of the times the caffeine high has not hit me, ALL of those happened in my BEDROOM. ALWAYS. without fail. idk why. so i have to be OUTSIDE for this.