#idk ill figure it out when its not 3am

[quietly-sleeping]

part 2

Liu Qingge might be bad with faces, he can admit that, at least to himself. Never to anyone else, though. Being called an uneducated brute, and the most feral of the feral child colony was enough for him. 

However, as bad as Liu Qingge was with faces, he’s almost certain he’s seen this one before. It could just be the fact that the man was covered in blood and monster entrails, but Liu Qingge swears he’d seen this person before. 

“Do I know you?” Liu Qingge asked, still standing atop the Iron Flecked Mole Rat. The man that Liu Qingge swears he’d met gaped at him for a moment, his dark green eyes wide as Liu Qingge flicked off the last of the monster's blood from his sword. “No?” The man dragged out the word oddly, Liu Qingge squinted at him. 

“Are you sure?” Liu Qingge jumped down from the back of the monster, barely making a noise as his feet hit the leaf-covered ground. “Yes?” The man scrambled to stand, grimacing slightly as blood dripped from his hair down his face. “You do not sound sure.” Liu Qingge got closer to him, frowning as he tried to examine the man’s face closer. 

“Where would we even meet? You look like you belong to a big sect, I’m just a wandering cultivator.” Liu Qingge frowned down at the man, just barely shorter than him, the man smiled, almost, nervous? Liu Qingge needed to add the ability to read people’s emotions to his list of weaknesses, directly below recognizing faces. 

“Could have met during a hunt. Like we have now. What is your name.” The man’s eyes slide from him glancing back at the dead Iron Flecked Mole Rat, “I’m pretty sure neither of us would be on the same job.” He said, his shoulders relaxing slightly. “We are now, what is your name.”

The man hummed, glancing around the empty trees around them, most of the other animals long scared off by the rampaging mole rat. “Sha….Yan. My name is Sha Yan.” Liu Qingge turned that around in his mind for a moment, he was pretty sure he’d never met a Sha Yan before.

However, the man could be lying to him, he was shifting quite a lot, or maybe that was the monster blood he was drenched in. “Alright.” The man, Sha Yan, perked up, “You believe me?” Not as much anymore. “Enough. I will bring you to an inn, it’s my fault you are dirty.” 

Sha Yan blinked at him, “You don’t have to? I know the way back to the village,” Liu Qingge shook his head, “I caused you to be covered in blood, I will fix it.” Sha Yan went to open his mouth but Liu Qingge picked up the Iron Flecked Mole Rat and nodded to Sha Yan to start moving.

Shen Qingqiu sipped at his tea, the silence between the three people was tense but Shen Qingqiu had experience ignoring it. Qi Qingqi set her cup down, much gentler than she would have had her wife not been in the room, “So, who is it?” Shen Qingqiu hummed for a moment, “I’m afraid I don’t know what you are talking about Qi-shimei.” 

Qi Qingqi’s face warped slightly before she restrained herself, “Shen-shixiong,” The honorific left her mouth reluctantly, “Most of Cang Qiong knows shixiong is ah, looking for someone. This shimei would be delighted to help, but she cannot without a name.” 

Shen Qingqiu simply stared at her for a moment before Lai Xiulan broke the silence, “Thank you for accepting our request for tea, Lord Shen. This one has heard some interesting theories from the disciples.” Shen Qingqiu nodded at the other woman, he typically preferred speaking with her rather than her wife. 

Usually. “I understand you must be worried Lady Lai, but I intend to keep information from anyone who may tip off my…wayward quarry.” Qi Qingqi frowned at him, leaning back slightly, “And you believe us to be able to tip your target off?” Lai Xiulan frowned slightly at her wife before turning back to the other Peak Lord with a small smile, “This one believes that Lord Shen does not have harmful intentions with this search, and we intend to offer our help with the search, if we may?” 

The true issue with speaking to Lai Xiulan was she was such a stickler to formalities and so genuine that even Shen Qingqiu and his cold dead heart, felt a flicker of something when he attempted to cut her with his words. Guilt was a disgusting emotion, even the brief flickers. 

“This shixiong does not intend to turn away his shimei’s earnest help. However, this shixiong must be certain that shimei will not tell any of our martial siblings until the Peak Lord Meeting next week.” If Shen Qingqiu didn’t know his shimei’s personality he would have said she almost pouted at being denied the ability to gossip. “Fine,” She grumbled, Lai Xiulan patted her hands consolingly before directing a bright smile at Shen Qingqiu. 

Despicable woman, Shen Qingqiu huffed, “The subject of this hunt is Shen Yuan of Ling You.” Qi Qingqiu perked up, leaning forward with a glint in her eye, “Little Yuan-shidi? Who knew you had it in you Shen Qingqiu.” Lai Xiulan glanced between her wife and Shen Qingqiu with curiosity plain on her face. 

“Maybe my little disciples were right, did Yuan-shidi scorn you? You should apologize if you made a mistake, shixiong.” Her smile was sharp, a sharp-eyed predator who’d spotted a juicy morsel. Shen Qingqiu restrained his impulse to simply demand she leave, her wife was still here, and despite how manipulative Lai Xiulan was, she was simply too nice to turn a cold shoulder to. 

“You consume too many cheap novels shimei.” Was all he deigned to say to the gossip mongrel. Her sharp laughter rang in the small bamboo house. 

Liu Qingge had left the body of the Iron Flecked Mole Rat in one of the larger qiankun bags he had left in the only inn in the village. He knew none other than another cultivator could walk off with the body but he needed multiple parts of the mole rat in good condition for the other peaks. 

Liu QIngge went into the inn and quickly bought both a room and a tub, Sha Yan was waiting outside, the blood still dripping from his robes. Liu Qingge went out to stand with Sha Yan, unwilling to let him out of sight for very long. It didn’t take long for a worker to poke their head out and tell him the bath was waiting up in his room. 

Sha Yan was quiet as they walked into the inn and down the narrow hallway, he had spoken most of the walk back, informing Liu QIngge of the habits, behaviors, and habitats of Iron Flecked Mole Rats, he’d spoken about the different ways Iron Flecked Mole Rats developed depending on region for most of the walk. 

It was interesting to be sure; Liu Qingge had never had the patience to sit and memorize the different irrelevant details of different monsters or beasts. He’d only learned how to kill them and which could be edible. Sha Yan’s memory of the different beasts around was deeply impressive to him, he almost wanted to drag Sha Yan back to Cang Qiong and place him on Ling You. 

The Peak was without a Peak Lord anyway, being run solely by Hall Masters and spontaneous visits from Peak Lords who had less to do than they claimed. It could do with an actual Peak Lord to watch over it, and Sha Yan seemed around his age. 

They stepped into the inn room, two beds tucked up against each wall with a divider separating the room from the wooden tub. Sha Yan shuffled over to the bathtub, peering in at the water before glancing back at Liu Qingge. “Are you sure you want me to bathe first?” 

Liu Qingge stared at him for a moment, flicking his eyes down at where the blood was dripping onto the floor, “Yes.” Sha Yan followed his eyes and grimaced before fully shuffling behind the divider. 

All in all the inn was very well kept for such a small village, the village was named, though Liu Qingge had already forgotten the name, but it hadn’t seen much in terms of coin. The roads were all dirt, many houses had holes in their roofs that were awkwardly patched and it was easy to spot where buildings had been repaired after the recent rainy season. 

Liu Qingge unsheathed Cheng Luan and quietly began to maintain the sword, cycling his qi through it as he carefully cleaned the hilt and blade. Weapon maintenance was an important part of a cultivator's life, something Wei Qingwei and his peak made a point to force into the rest of the sect’s heads.  

Liu Qingge huffed, remembering all of the times he’d had to resort to biting Wei Qingwei when they were disciples to continue training with his sword. Wei Qingwei was larger than him, in height and breadth, and knew how to weaponize his size. 

It didn’t matter that he’d just broken his wrist or that Mu-shidi said you need to be resting, not working with your sword! Wei Qingwei never brought up those incidents after they happened, but Liu Qingge knew that Wei Qingwei just needed an introduction to how fights work on Bai Zhan, at least among younger disciples. 

Sha Yan was done with his bath once Liu Qingge had finished cleaning his sword. The bath had to be dumped and refilled, with Sha Yan awkwardly hidden behind the moved divider so the worker could get to the tub. But Liu Qingge was more inclined to find a stream somewhere since the worker already dumped and refilled the bath once. 

The only thing that kept him from leaving and finding a stream was Sha Yan, who had begun to look increasingly more nervous the longer he spent with Liu Qingge in the inn. His chatter had started up once more, moving from Iron Flecked Mole Rats to the Starry Night Dogs, talking about how they’d adapted to the various weather conditions that may impede their ability to channel the stars. 

His words only grew quicker, and he pulled out a notebook from inside a qiankun pouch Liu Qingge previously hadn’t spotted, flopping down onto the other bed in the room. Sha Yan flipped through the notebook, gesturing at various pages as he spoke. Eventually, Liu Qingge had enough of it, “Why are you nervous?” his voice was flat, but his eyebrows were drawn together, Sha Yan stared at the Peak Lord, opening and closing his mouth. 

“I…Well, I suppose I wasn’t expecting you to stay here with me?” Sha Yan squeezed out, the tops of his ears beginning to color as he fidgeted. Liu Qingge tilted his head slightly, “Why? It is honorable to fix my wrongs.” Sha Yan laughed a little, tucking his legs up onto his bed as well, “You don’t have to? I mean, you didn’t commit any wrongs against me.” 

Liu Qingge shook his head at the younger man, at least he thought he was younger, “You were drenched in the blood of the Iron Flecked Mole Rat because of my carelessness.” Sha Yan smiled a little at that, “I’m clean now? I kind of expected to you leave once we got to the inn.” 

Liu Qingge simply shrugged and removed his hair crown before tossing it onto the bed. The thing was extremely uncomfortable during sleep and he wanted at least some sleep, even the frustrating light sleep he was bound to get. 

Shang Qinghua wished he let Mu-shidi sedate him. Inquires were flooding in, both from his fellow Peak Lords and from disciples, poking their noses into his peak, distracting his disciples. He had deadlines to meet, please!

Mu-shidi had visited earlier in the morning, concern politely plastered on his face, as though Shang Qinghua couldn’t see the glint in his eyes. The same glint he had when he used his needles to subdue someone. Shang Qinghue didn’t need to be sedated, he needed to get everything handled. 

Maybe he hadn’t slept in a few days, working through a report from Liu-shidi, sorting through budget reports, tracking down where the HELL his lumbar supplier disappeared to. He had things to do, and while being sedated sounded nicer the longer he stared down at a report from Liu-shidi, detailing a cultivator that was currently being hunted by their shixiong, he had to get through it. 

Finish the report, send it to Zhangmen-shixiong, who will deal with it, deal with Shen-shixiong, and then get sedated. A good plan, but unfortunately derailed by Qi Qingqi barging into his office as he continued to stare down at the piece of paper he was certain held the answer to his life’s problems. 

“Shang Qinghua?” Qi Qingqi called out, never Shang-shixiong, always Shang Qinghua, “I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.” Was all he replied with. Qi Qingqi nodded slowly, “Is this a conversation for Mu-shixiong?” Shang Qinghua didn’t respond but grabbed the devilish piece of paper from his desk and held it aloft to her. 

“If you are going to have me sedated, give this to Zhangmen-shixiong. I’m not dealing with this.” Qi Qingqi frowned but took the paper, scanning over it, her sharp eyebrows raising as she read, “Sounds fair, Shang-shixiong. I’ll call for Mu-shixiong.”

ao3

[miumiucowboy]

how i ruined my perception and idea of love

this is going to be pretty hard for me to write, and please bare with any grammatical errors etc as i am writing this just as the thoughts enter my head. maybe a video would be better but its almost 3AM and I have to be quiet. here is some context, im 18 years old, cis male and gay. all of my school life i was either bullied or made to feel uncomfortable in my sexuality, and this established a strong disconnect, especially in later years of high school, between the other guys and me. whilst i have female friends, its almost hard for me to feel like i fit in in either of this realms. besides my best friend who i would give the entire world too. i think its kind of important to note too that my father is, to be frank, emotionally unavailable, and my mother who has passed an array of her own problems onto myself, and she is emotionally manipulative and unstable, screaming and me, abuse to next second non-stop affection and love. btw, in no means is this me being like 'omg im so abused and mentally ill and no one wants me' like that victim complex stuff annoys me so bad, im just trying to figure out some emotions, but yeah i feel like that is important context. around my eighteenth birthday last year, I began seeking fulfilment off older men from the forbidden app (none of my friends even know about this) as a way to kinda fill a void of affection within me. ultimately this has totally destroyed my perception and idea of being loved. i'm currently talking to the cutest boy from brazil, and he is the first boy who I have ever genuinely been interested in getting to know on a deep level, ive never felt this way about anyone before so im trying to sort myself out for his sake and also because I really really really want this to work. i want to be loved so bad. i constantly crave validation from him, otherwise I feel as if he is loosing interest and for that I blame my mother - constantly trying to work around her unstable emotions, to stay in her 'good books' otherwise hell would rise. this is one of the biggest regrets in my life so far, is always catering to the what she would want. its always at the forefront of my mind and I feel as if she controls me in that regard. i also become way way way too attached to people who show me the smallest amount of attention just because I really am so lonely. im currently at university and this is a whole other thing but the loneliness is insane, especially when you see friends doing so well socially, and of course im happy for them its just hard because I feel like my teenage dream and expectations vs what I have done are so far apart from each other and I feel like im wasting my youth away. im also scared that i am unable to associate love and sexual desires with one another, and im scared that this is going to happen with this new guy. my entire mindset around love is ruined. idk what to do this isn't even all I wanted to say but its actually so hard for me atm so im going to stop here. i just hope that this works out between me and davi I really really really pray that it does

[iamanartichoke]

I wrote a Thing. It’s extremely long. I’d prefer it not be reblogged; I wrote this for my own catharsis and would prefer it not be circulated, bc of Reasons. 

I changed my mind, okay to reblog. <3 

Under a cut for (extreme, did I mention?) length. 

So I got about 12 minutes of sleep last night, as you do, and around 3am or so I found myself - out of sheer curiosity - going down a meta hole of Ragnarok discourse, trying to figure out where this "satisfying redemption arc" for Loki happened. (I mean, there's a lot of things I would like to figure out, but I started there.) Because I could. 

Basically I was looking for meta that went into detail about how Loki was redeemed in a satisfactory way. The ‘satisfactory’  is an important word here bc there is a redemption arc in the film, in that Loki starts off the film as an antagonist (kinda) to Thor and he ends the film as an ally to Thor, standing at Thor's side. In that sense, yes, there's a redemption arc. I didn't find much (and I had no idea how much people just despise Ragnarok "antis" [I really dislike that word] but that's another topic [that I don't particularly want to get into, tbh]) but I did find some. I read what I could find, and I read it open-mindedly, and overall I came away feeling like, okay, there are some valid points being made here and I can kinda see where they're coming from.

But it was a bit (a lot) like -- flat. Idk. The best comparison I can think of is that it’s like if a literature class read, I don't know, The Yellow Wallpaper for an assignment, and some of the students came away from it feeling like it was a creepy story about a woman slowly driving herself insane, and the other students came away from it incensed at the oppression and infantilization of women in the late 19th century -

- and neither side is wrong, but the former is a very surface-level reading and the latter isn't (bc it stems from looking at why she drives herself insane, why she was prescribed 'rest' in the first place, the context of what women could and couldn't do back then, etc; basically, a bit more work has to go into it). 

[Note: I am not disparaging the quality of The Yellow Wallpaper. At all. It’s just the first relatively well-known story that popped into my head.]

In this sense, I can see the argument for Loki's redemption arc, but I don't think it's a very good argument. Not invalid, but not great.

I mean, for example, I think the most consistent argument I found variations of re: Loki's redemption is that Ragnarok shows Loki finally taking responsibility for his bad behaviour and misdeeds. This includes recognizing that his actions were fueled from a place of self-hatred and a desire to self-destruct in addition to bringing destruction on others. That he probably feels awkward and regretful of these things and doesn't know how to act around Thor, but he figures it out by the end, and decides that returning to Asgard is the best way to show that he's ready to make amends. His act of bringing the Statesman to Asgard is an apology. He allies himself with Thor and ends up in a better place, both narratively (united with Thor once again) and mentally (having taken responsibility and made amends for his past).

And setting aside that he had already made amends by sacrificing his life in TDW (and also setting aside that the argument is made that Loki redeems himself in IW by sacrificing himself to Thanos but if that's the case, wouldn't that imply that he hadn't achieved redemption in Ragnarok or else there would be no need to achieve it again in IW? Or, if you think he did achieve redemption in Ragnarok, then what the fuck did he give his life in IW for? What was his motivation there, and why did the narrative not make it clearer? I digress.) 

- setting aside those two factors, I think this is a very fair argument. Loki is fueled by self-hatred, and he does want to self-destruct, and he does want to inflict that pain on others as well (particularly Thor). No lies detected here. 

However, I also need to know where that self-hatred and desire for destruction (toward himself and others) comes from and for that, we need to go back to Thor 1.

Thor 1. 

Loki starts Thor 1 out as "a clenched fist with hair," to borrow a quote from the Haunting of Hill House (that I tucked away in my mental box of Lovely Things bc it says so much so very simply). He's very used to bottling everything up, pushing it down; he slinks around behind the scenes, pulling the strings to this plot or that. He's "always been one for mischief," but the narrative implies that the coronation incident is the first time Loki's done anything truly terrible. And it all immediately pretty much goes to shit, so Loki spends the rest of the movie frantically juggling all these moving pieces while trying to seem as if he's got it all under control, every step of the way. That's how I view his actions. 

But I always come back to that quote where Kenneth Branaugh tells Tom, of the scene in the vault, "This is where the thin steel rod that's been holding your mind together snaps." In other words this is where Loki discovering he's Jotun is just one thing too many. He can't take it. But though the rod snaps, his descent isn't a nosedive. It's a tumble. As the story progresses, the clenched fist starts to loosen, the muscles are flexed in unfamiliar ways (that feel kinda good, after being stiff for so long), and it culminates with the hand opening completely and shaking itself out. All of that repression, that self-hatred, that rage and jealousy just explodes so that, by the time the bifrost scene happens, Loki's already hit bottom. It's not just about proving his worthiness to Odin. He wants to hurt Thor, too; he, essentially, throws a tantrum. (That's right, I said tantrum.) 

(Note: The word 'tantrum’ has negative connotations bc we normally equate it with a toddler stamping their feet and screaming in the aisle when their parent won't buy them the toy they want. But in itself, the word tantrum isn't infantalizing. It's an "emotional outburst, an uncontrolled explosion of anger and frustration" [paraphrasing from dictionary.com]. That's exactly what happens here [and why Tom called Loki's actions a massive tantrum, but people took that to mean Tom agreed it was childish whereas I doubt Tom meant it that way]).

He's been pushed past his limit, and he does bad things. He does really shitty things. He hurts Thor, he hurts his family. I'm pretty sure he knows this all along so this isn't, like, some revelation further down the line that "hey, those things I did were probably kinda bad." He got the memo already. 

Ragnarok 

Fast forward to Ragnarok, and we're introduced to a version of Loki who's had 4ish years to sit with everything that's happened. To sit with it and not do much else. The rawness of it has faded, and now it seems as though it's just become a thing, like when you move through life aware of your childhood traumas and have more or less just accepted them (and you probably share a lot of really funny depression memes on Facebook, which is kinda the equivalent of Loki's play, but that's probably just me). 

Loki has, more or less, chilled out. He seems more bored than anything else; he's been masquerading as Odin for longer than he ever planned or intended to, so he's more or less ended up hanging out, letting Asgard mind its own business, and entertaining himself with silly plays. This is the version that starts out the movie as an antagonist to Thor - a version that is, arguably, in a much different place [and is a much milder threat] than the version who originally did those Bad Things. 

And of course Thor is still mad at him, and of course they're going to butt heads, because that's what they do (and Thor's grievances are genuine, I’ll add, bc it's not really his fault he assumed Loki faked his death, nor can he be blamed for being pissed about Odin).

One argument framed this version of Loki as being a person who is facing the awkwardness of coming out of a dark place, which is fair. If we're going to frame his actions in Thor 1 as a tantrum, then Ragnarok would be the part where the toddler has been taken home, possibly has had some lunch and a juice box, and is now watching cartoons. They're over the tantrum, and would probably feel pretty silly about it if they weren't, yknow, toddlers. They probably can't remember why they even wanted that toy so badly. If they're a little older and self-aware, they might even be embarrassed for having melted down.

Like the word tantrum, this feeling isn't a thing limited to toddlers. I know I've had a few epic meltdowns as a grown ass adult, and I know I always feel deeply embarrassed afterwards - like, want to crawl into a hole and die. I've said things I can't take back. Adolescents and teenagers throw tantrums, mentally ill people throw tantrums, adults throw tantrums (I mean, my god, look at all the videos of Karens having screaming meltdowns - screaming! - over having to wear masks in order to shop at stores). Humans throw tantrums. And usually, after the feelings have been let out and the tantrum has passed, humans feel pretty regretful and awkward and embarrassed about whatever they did and said in the midst of their meltdown. 

I get all of that and agree it's valid and that Loki probably feels it. By the time Ragnarok happens, Loki's had some time to reflect and think hmm, yeah, probably could've handled that one a lot better. The argument further goes that in order to navigate this awkward period, Loki must come to terms with what he's done, acknowledge that some things can't be unsaid or undone, and begin to make amends. Supposedly, some people feel that Loki becomes a better person because he does "own" everything he did wrong and, even though he feels like a jackass (paraphrasing), he sets that aside to become a become a better person by choosing to help Thor and Asgard at the end. 

Thus, the overall arc goes like this. Loki, Thor's jealous little brother, 

throws a tantrum of epic proportions bc Reasons 

continues to act badly and make things even worse (Avengers) 

has to face consequences for his actions (prison sentence) 

ends up with a stretch of time in which he's free to contemplate and chill out 

feels embarrassed and awkward about how he's behaved

sees an opportunity to make up for it and decides to take it 

helps Thor, saves the day, and ends the film a better person. 

Redemption achieved.

None of this is wrong. The film supports it. It's a fair interpretation. But it leaves. out. so. much.

To circle all the way back around Loki being "a clenched fist with hair," and his actions stemming from his self-hatred, you have to ask - how did he get that way? He didn't end up with all this self-hatred on accident. Generally, one isn't born despising themselves, it's a learned behavior. (I realize chemical imbalances are a thing, obviously, as I have Mental Shit myself, but for argument's sake I'm assuming that's not the case with Loki [at this point in time]). 

Where did Loki learn it? From his family, from his surroundings, from his culture. We see examples of these microaggressions in the first, like, twenty minutes of the movie - a guard openly laughs at Loki's magic after Thor makes a joke about it (the tone of the conversation implies that Thor "jokes" like this often) and though Loki does the snake thing, the guard faces no real consequences. Thor doesn't acknowledge that anything went amiss. Not much later, on their way to Jotunheim, Loki's barely gotten two words out to Heimdall before Thor cuts him off, steps in front of him, and takes charge. Loki doesn't look annoyed at this; he looks resigned. 

Then, for absolutely no reason at all, Volstagg decides to make a jab at Loki ("silver tongue turned to lead?") just because he can. The ease with which he makes this comment and the way that no one else blinks an eye at it implies that this isn't out of the norm. And Loki doesn't react, not really. In the deleted version, he delivers a particularly nasty comeback but he delivers it under his breath, without intending Volstagg to hear it. In the final version, he simply says nothing, though his expression can be read as hurt or stung. Either way, the audience sees an example of Loki being walked all over by Thor and his friends and bottling up his reactions instead of standing up for himself. 

Microaggressions matter. They are mentally and emotionally damaging. They hurt. The implication that this is not unusual treatment for Loki means that Loki's probably gone through this for most of his life. It's like the equivalent of being, I don't know, twenty two and you're the friend who has to walk behind the others when the sidewalk isn't wide enough, and it's been that way since the first day of kindergarten. At this point, you're used to it, but that doesn't make it hurt any less when the jabs come seemingly out of nowhere, for no reason other than to make you feel bad.

(I personally identify a lot with this bc I experienced passive bullying in social settings for years. I was the 'doesn't fit on the sidewalk' friend; I hung around with people who'd pretend to be my friend and would be more or less nice to my face, but would laugh at me and make fun of me behind my back for whatever reasons. And often there'd be the random jabs at me, things that would come out of nowhere to smack me in the face, followed by the fake laugh and “just kidding!" so that I couldn't even get upset without being made to feel like I was overreacting and couldn't take a joke. I'd deal with this socially, particularly in middle school when girls are their most vicious, and then I'd go home and, because I was the only girl with a lot of brothers and because boys are mean and because I am who I am, the dynamic was that my brothers would just endlessly roast me to my face and sometimes it was a "just kidding!" thing, where I was the only one not laughing. But that’s beside the point; my point is that microaggressions, passive bullying, and consistent invalidation are harmful and that shit stays with you into adulthood.) 

So, yes, Loki needs to be held responsible for his misdeeds, and it's valid to say that he recognizes those misdeeds and wants to make amends. I have never disagreed with that. But the problem with this interpretation is that it lets every single other character who contributed to Loki's self-hatred and mental breakdown (let's just call a spade a spade here, that's what it was; he was broken psychologically) get off scot-free.

First of all,

Odin is not held accountable for instilling in the princes a mentality of Asgard first, everyone is beneath us but Jotuns are benath us the most, they are literal monsters. He is not held accountable for pitting his sons against one another (even if it was unintentional, he still did it) with "you were both born to be kings but only one of you can rule" being the general tone of their upbringing. He's not held accountable for his favoritism toward Thor.

Frigga is not held accountable for deferring to Odin both in supporting the above things and in keeping the truth of Loki's origins a secret while doing nothing to discourage the "monsters" narrative. 

Thor is not held accountable for his own tendency of taking Loki for granted (he assumes Loki will come to Jotunheim, he oversteps Loki constantly, “know your place,” etc.. He grants his implicit permission for Loki to be treated as the sidewalk friend in their “group,” a group which is loyal to and takes their cues from Thor as Thor continues to do nothing in his brother's defense).

[Note: Wanting Thor to be held accountable for things he's done wrong isn't vilifying him. Acknowledging that Thor benefited from Odin's favoritism and his own place as Crown Prince doesn't negate Thor also being raised in an abusive environment. I don't think anyone's saying that or, if they have, it's not something I agree with.]

Furthermore, 

Odin is not held accountable for his cruelty in disowning Loki (”your birthright was to die” is never going to be forgotten, speaking of people saying things that can't be unsaid or taken back) and in sentencing Loki to a severe prison sentence (life! only bc Frigga wouldn't let him execute Loki) for crimes that are no worse than what Odin himself has committed (around which the entire plot of Ragnarok revolves! Colonialism (and subjugation) is wrong is, like, a major theme [that people rush to praise, even] here). 

Thor is also never held accountable for not trying harder to understand what made Loki snap (fair enough, he didn't have a ton of time after returning from Earth, but certainly he had lots of time to sit around reflecting while Loki was being tortured by Thanos for a year). He knows Loki is "not himself" and "beyond reason" and accepts it at face value; he questions it once and then lets it go. He's fine with assuming Loki's just lost his mind, and isn't that a shame. (I realize I'm simplifying Thor's emotions but my point is that Thor could've tried harder to figure out that Loki was being influenced and/or not acting completely autonomously.) 

Thor is also never held accountable for - if not facing consequences for his own slaughter of Jotuns - then at least addressing why Loki can't kill an entire race even though Thor tried to do that, like, two days ago. (Granted, it’s difficult to understand how Thor got from Point A ("let's finish them together, Father!") to Point B (this is wrong!), but that failing belongs to Thor 1 (which is not, by the way, a perfect movie).

The interpretation that Loki is fully redeemed because he took responsibility for his actions, returned to Asgard, and allied himself with Thor to save their people is all well and good - but, why is Loki the only one here who has to take responsibility for their actions? 

What about all the loose threads in his story? 

For example, how did he get from: 

Point A (believing himself a literal monster, having a complete mental breakdown, getting tortured and further traumatized after that, etc) 

to 

Point B (Hey, yknow what would be fun? I'm going to write and direct a play about how I heroically died to save Thor and Jane, and I'll go ahead and have Odin say he accepts me and has always loved me. I'm going to do these things because Odin never said this in real life and instead of acknowledging my sacrifice, Thor left my body in the dirt, so someone has to validate what I've done right and that someone might as well be me. And hey, while I'm at it, I'm going to control the narrative on revealing myself as Jotun to Asgard, instead of living in fear of it being found out, and I'm going to do it in a way that they have to sympathize with me and revere me in death, bc they never bothered to do so when I was alive. And Matt Damon should play me, also.) 

to 

Point C (Yeah, I guess I feel kinda awkward about that whole tantrum thing, also I should help Thor and support him being king.)

? 

The answers to these questions are handwaved and the audience takes that to mean they don't matter. Furthermore, framing Loki's redemption around an act of service (more or less) to Thor makes Loki's redemption about Thor. Does Loki make this decision for the sake of Thor and of Asgard, or does he make it for himself? It's not super clear to me, and I think arguments can be made for both. Which, again, is fine, but - whatever.

If we're going to collectively agree, as a fandom, that Loki is complex, that he's morally gray, that he's worthy of redemption and therefore arguably a good person who's done bad things, then why is it asking too much to have it acknowledged that Thor (also a good person who's done bad things) played a part in Loki's downfall and has shit to apologize for, too? Bc one can only assume the reason is that you're taking a very gray concept and making it black and white by saying Loki has to apologize and make amends because he is the villain, and Thor doesn't because he is the hero (and it's his movie). And it's lazy.

This is where the crux of the issue lands. There's more than one valid interpretation, yes. And no two people (or groups of people, or whatever) are going to consume and therefore interpret or analyze the source material in the same way. I think I saw a post recently about how studies have been done on this, in fact. But, there is a lot going on under the surface that tends to get overlooked when exploring Loki's redemption arc in Ragnarok, as far as I can see, and that’s why I don’t consider it satisfactory. 

[I did read similar arguments regarding other issues that are often debated ('debated'), like Loki's magic and/or being underpowered, whether or not Loki's betrayal of Thor was the natural outcome of the situation on Sakaar or not, whether Thor actually gets closure with Odin [if he does, how does he reconcile the father he's idolized with the imperialistic conqueror he's discovered? Why doesn't he hold Odin responsible for covering up Hela's existence and the threat of her return, especially as he knew he was nearing the end of his life? Is Thor's "I'm not as strong as you" meant to imply that he acknowledges those shortcomings of Odin's and that he's okay with them, or that he's just overlooking them, or is he not okay with them but didn't have the chance to get into it bc he was in the middle of battle? T'Challa confronted his father on his wrongdoings in Black Panther; could Thor not have had at least one line that was confrontational enough to establish where he stands as opposed to this gray middle? Can someone explain to me how any of this equates to Thor gaining closure? Please?) but obviously I'm not going to go into all of them (well, I tried not to), bc this mammoth post has gone on long enough (I may not even post this tbh)]

- but my overall point to this entire thing is that when I say I'm critical of Ragnarok bc it's flawed, that Loki's arc was neither complete nor satisfactory, that many things went unaddressed and, due to all of these things, I do not think Ragnarok is a very good movie nor a very cohesive movie, this is where I'm coming from. I have not seen anything to change my mind to the contrary. 

But I am not saying that anyone satisfied with it is wrong, or shouldn't have the interpretation that they do. I'm not vilifying Thor in order to lift Loki up, just acknowledging that Thor is arguably just as flawed as Loki without the stigma of being Designated Villain. I think a lot of these arguments get overlooked or dismissed, and that's fine, but it doesn't make the people who do engage with them hateful, or bitter, or trying to excuse Loki's crimes, or feeling like redemption means that Loki's crimes should be erased rather than reconciled. 

And sure, yes, perhaps we are expecting too much and exploring all of these themes (or wanting them explored) means that somehow we think it should be Loki's movie (we don't). Loki is a supporting character, but he's still a character. And the movie itself doesn't have to delve into all these things - no one's saying that. (At least, I'm not.) We just want acknowledgement, from the narrative, that this stuff was an Issue. 

This could have been accomplished with - 

Some dialogue closer to the novelization (and original script), like Thor and Loki both acknowledging the harm they've done one another and their kingdom due to their Feels.

 A single line of Thor confronting Odin, or even asking "Why?" 

A narrative acknowledgement that Odin did both Thor and Loki dirty (”I love you, my sons” isn't an apology, because it doesn't acknowledge either that there's been wrong-doing or express regret for having done the wrong in the first place). 

A little bit more nuance in the way Loki treats his own past (ie, instead of flippantly telling the story of his suicide attempt, maybe - if it must be flippant - talk about getting blasted in the face with Hawkeye's arrow or sailing through to Svartalfheim [And in that moment, I sang ta-daaaa!]) or whatever. 

I recognize that wanting full, in-depth exploration on all of these issues regarding a supporting character is probably too much to ask or expect - but, I also feel like, if you're going to be professionally writing a narrative (or rewriting/improvising, as it were), it's not too much to ask that a little more care be taken in regards to all of the layers that have contributed to said supporting character's downfall and subsequent redemption arc. I don't think that's an unreasonable thing to want. 

And maybe if there had been more nuance and continuity in how these things were portrayed on screen (ie, if TW had actually done as good a job as his stans think he did), the fandom wouldn't have divided and conquered itself over which "version" of the same character is more valid and whether or not the film did its best to close out a trilogy (not start a new one), to the point where everyone in this fandom space makes navigating it feel like walking through a minefield. 

But, I mean 

(Again, please don’t reblog if possible.) 

Edit: Okay to reblog. <3 

[thedappleddragon]

today I woke up at like noon and I think I was up until 5 am on accident? I don't remember. but I kinda bummed around for a while until I took a shower at 3 pm. I was gonna have a really nice shower with a candle and shower gel n stuff but I couldn't find a lighter and I started thinking about a bunch a shit I didnt really want to while showering. BUT I still enjoyed sitting on the counter like I always do after a shower and watching youtube and I impulsively shaved my legs for the first time in a year and a half and tbh I kinda really liked it :) ill probably hate it in a few days when its all prickly n shit but whatever lol. I literally spent the rest of the day running my hands over my shins because its so SMOOTH :D but I had a bandaid over a little bit and I didnt shave that so now I have a fuzzy spot in the smack dab center of my shin lmao. I made some food for my mom and then spent a few hours working on the brown paws and I completely finished one paw. I tried adding a cuff but it turn out like shit so I tried using a seam ripper to take it off but it was hard and didnt work so I cut the stitches with an exacto knife while listening to TAZ again. I got mostly through moonlighting chapter 2 and worked on the paws until my back hurt and I had to lie down and made some spaghetti. I brought down one of my WIP fursuit heads and thought about how to fur it and how to add shit like horns n teeth, and I have some ideas now. I think I want the color scheme to be brown and neon green and white and maybe black if I can get my hands on the right fabrics and furs and name him Toxic even tho that's probably really damn basic. I also kinda want to make some HUGE paws. I mean some SERIOUS bappers. a real set a BADANKERS. or maybe just some normal brown paws with funky accent colors. I ripped his nose off because I want to give him a bat nose because I think he would work really good as a bat. maybe give him monster claw hands? mini wings? idk yet I have to sketch it out and brainstorm some more. I wanna figure out to make proper cuffs for those paws but first I think I might make them longer because they basically only go to the wrist. anyway its 3am and im tired and gonna try to go to bed, goodnight :}

[duckythedrangon]

My Gender and how I understood it (warning it's really long)

Since no one that I know in real life follows my Tumblr, I wanted to post this here. Okay, to start this out ill just tell you my gender is kinda meh🤷.

So I’ve always respected and loved trans people and I was quite educated about trans people especially trans ftm people because 1, my friend had come out to me as trans ftm and 2, because the majority of trans people on youtube are ftm and YouTube was the easiest way to educate myself as a 10 year old kid. I didn’t know much about nonbinary people, I knew they existed and I knew what it meant, I just didn’t overly educate myself like I did when learning about ftm trans guys.

Lets talk about childhood, when I was pretty young, I hated dresses and skirts and anything pink and I was an extreme tomboy and I would go around saying “I want to be a boy” I don’t think that I realised it was an actual option because I’m pretty sure I didn’t actually wanted to be a boy. I am pretty sure all that was just because I wanted to be unique in a family of all girls, I had 6 sisters and a single mum. I think the first time I heard about trans people (which I actually learnt about really young because 1 of my sisters was really into educating us on queer stuff) I actually considered if I might be trans but I brushed it off straight away because I realised that I was just a tomboy and I didn’t actually want to be a boy, from then on I didn’t question my gender for ages. I wasn’t bothered by being called girl/she so I had no reason for questions about my gender to come into my head. Fun fact I remember when I was young I understood that it was unacceptable to touch other peoples boobs so that was something I was looking forward to getting when I was really young, because they looked so squishable. Even though that’s something that I don’t like having now.

Okay puberty stuff. The things about puberty that I didn’t like periods and boobs, I don’t really mind my hips and waist. Okay, periods, I hate the existence of my period to the point that I will ignore it for most of it. I will put a big overnight pad on and I refuse to change it for the entire week unless it starts to leak or something, gross I know, because if I change it, it will remind me that it exists, is that dysphoria, maybe to be honest idk. Okay boobs, when I started to develop a chest I didn’t think it was good enough so I overcompensated and wore padded sports bras abut I always hated it and felt fake so stopped and realised that I hated that it was even there, I didn’t like looking at it, I didn’t like anyone mentioning my chest at all. I am very uncomfortable with anything to do with my chest. Is that dysphoria, maybe.

The first time I heard of they/them pronouns i thought they were so cool and wanted to be able to claim them but I didn’t think that I had the right to since I didn’t even think about the possibility of me being nonbinary.

I started properly questioning my gender shortly after I had finally figured my sexuality and was feeling good about that. I heard of agender, the lack of gender or no gender I thought that sounded great and I realised it may apply to me. Id never really thought about my own gender and my brain thought that maybe because I never thought about gender that I didn’t have one, okay I realise that’s not really how it works but I still thought the word agender fit me so well. One day I decided to try to bind my chest to see how that would look, I tried with bandages(I know its very unsafe but its all I had access to) in my room at 3am I was amazed I was so happy and realised that I didn’t like my chest,(I took off the bandages after a few minutes because bandages are extremely unsafe to bind with) and I’m so lucky my older sister has ordered me a real binder from gc2b and its on its way and I’m so excited.

But then there was the roadblock I didn’t feel discomfort being called she/her/girl and feminine things (although I did hate the words women or lady). Although after I started questioning I did notice a lot more when someone would call me that. But I also wouldn’t care if I was mistaken for a boy, when I was younger and got my first short haircut, people would mistake me for a boy fairly often and I didn’t really care at all. So I don’t mind if you use she/he but I’m pretty sure I would prefer they/them although its never been used to describe me so idk.

Anyway I’m pretty sure I’m agender but I don’t have a big problem with being perceived as a girl. It would be a lot of work to socially transition and I don’t really feel like I care enough, for it to be worth it, a lot of other trans people care a lot more. I would probably prefer to be free to be agender and use they/them pronouns but its just easier to identify as a girl. (this was meant to be the conclusion but it just doesn’t feel right as I’m typing it)

That doesn’t feel like the right ending, this was meant to explain why I am agender but have decided to just identify as a girl for at least the time being before I start to hate that I’m a girl, but instead having it all written here it makes me realise why I should live as myself an agender person.

If you got to the end, give me advise please!

[sgnkai]

🤡🤐💤😊🤔❎🕰️🌑🥴🗑️👀🚨👯‍♀️🔪😢😡👋🔎

🤡A GOOFY TEXT

(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): LIL AITO WHERE ARE YOU(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): wow lil aito(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): sounds like a rap name(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): or a street name(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): HAVE YOU BEEN OUT ON THE STREETS GETTING STREET CRED WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): YOU KNOW IT’S UNSAFE YOU HAVE TO TELL ME THESE THINGS LIL AITO

🤐 AN AWKWARD TEXT

(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): uhh(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): SORRY FOR PUNCHING YOU(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): BYE

💤 A HALF ALSEEP TEXT

(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): yoURE DUMB(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): and yoURE TOO NICE(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): wow sorry my fingers literally text by themselves after 2am when i cant think straight(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): my fingers are seriously so problematic(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): anywaY NIGHT

😊 A HAPPY TEXT

(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): hey lil aito(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): i just drew some crop circles on lily noonas forehead(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): and it really made me happy(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): this is a good start to a new week

🤔 A NONSENSICAL TEXT

(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): if you had to drop a single(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): what would your single be called(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): PHAT TRACC by lil aito(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): 하하하하하하하하하(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): stop fat shaming music aito (TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): 😑😑😑

❎ A TEXT MEANT FOR SOMEONE ELSE

(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): ARE YOU READY TO DDDDDDDDDDD-DUEL(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): no you’re not(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): you’re the wrong person(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): sorry lil aito

🕰️ AN EARLY MORNING TEXT

(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): HELLO(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): HELLOOOOOOO(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): I SAID HELLO(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): WAKE TAY FOOK UP (TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): HELLO

🌑 A LATE NIGHT TEXT

(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): I JUST STARTED STARDEW VALLEY(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): AND MY FARM LOOKS LIKE SHIT(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): IT’S 3AM AND I CANT FIGURE OUT HOW TO UPGRADE MY DAMN TOOLS(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): THIS SUCKS ASS

🥴 A DRUNK TEXT

(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): infn anot adraunk(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): youreaw draunk(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): SATOP CALLING MEW DREAUNK(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): WAUT WHO IS THUAS(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): IS THIS CLOWN LILY(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): WOW LOIJI AT THATA NO TPYPOS ITS LUIJE LILY NOOINA IS A KNOHIWN CLOIWN

🗑️ A TEXT THAT WASN’T SENT

(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): i heard, well i kinda saw you with some guy and shin hyung and i have been talking kinda and i toLD HIM THAT YOU HAD A SUGAR DADDY IN THE SPUR OF THE MOMENT and now its a thing we cant stop worrying about what did i tell you about telling me when you want stuff that i can get them for you im rich u know??? wow that sounded like a brag, its not its just that i want you to know that i can look after yOU DO YOU UNDERSTAND YOU DUMBASS ARE YOU UNDERSTANDING THIS

👀A DIRTY TEXT

(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): IM CHUCKING A SHIT(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): ISSA BIG ASS SHIT TOO(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): MY GLUTES ARE GONNA BE SO LIT AFTER THIS SHIT(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): AND MY ASSHOLE BURNS BUT THATS NORMAL FOR SUCH A GOOD SHIT SESSION RIGHT

🚨 AN URGENT TEXT

(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): AITO(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): IM AT THE POLICE STATION (TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): CAN YOU CALL SHIN HYUNG (TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): I DONT REMEMBER HIS NUMBER I JUST REMEMBER YOURS BECAUSE OF THE WEIRD AMOUNT OF 3S IN THEM(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): AND IT ENDS WITH A 6?????? WHAT NUMBER ENDS WITH A 6 THATS SO ANTICLIMATIC(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): anyway pls call shin hyung to come and get me thank you lil aito

👯‍♀️ A SUPPORTIVE TEXT

(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): i(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): support you with everything that you do(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): oK DO U UNDERSTAND(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): OK BYE

🔪 A HATEFUL TEXT

(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): can u stop(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): complaining about me not being nice to you(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): i doNT KNOW HOW TO BE NICE(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): iM TRYING MY BEST AND YOURE NOT MAKING IT EASY WITH HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOU UNKNOWINGLY GET YOURSELF INTO BEING FRIENDS WITH -(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): JUST(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): AKJGNAIERGUHAIGAIRGAI(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): I CARE ABOUT U LIL AITO OK

😢A SAD TEXT

(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): EAT(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): EATING(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): MY SADNESS AWAY 

😡 AN ANGRY TEXT

(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): STOP TALKING TO THAT GUY(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): IDK WHO HE IS BUT THAT GUY THAT IM SUSPECTING IS UR SUGAR DADDY STOP TALKING TO HIM(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): IF YOU WANTED NEW GAMES OR ANYTHING I CAN BUY THEM FOR YOU JUST TELL ME AND ILL GET THEM FOR YOU, ILL GET YOU ANYTHING JUST STOP TALKING TO WEIRD PEOPLE THAT DONT HAVE YOUR BEST INTEREST IN MIND(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): ARE WE CLEAR YA AIRHEAD????????

👋 A GOODBYE TEXT

(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): OK GOOD TALK(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): BYE

🔎A REVEALING TEXT

(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): uhh(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): did you go through my bag(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): and take a bag of pills(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): UHHH NVM IGNORE ME(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): SHIN HYUNG FOUND IT(TXT: BESCHÜTZE KLEINER AITO): I MEANT LILY THE CLOWN NOONA FOUND THEM

[misas-biggest-fan]

matsuda, matt, and beyond?

thank you so mcuh!!

Matsuda: Are you an idealistic person? 

I am a;osdjklkd LOL i try to default to thinking everyone’s good and everything will turn out well. It’s a good thing, but sometimes it’s meant that i ignore bad things and just wait for them to go away LOL

 Matt: Who is someone you can always rely on?

@theamazingpeterparkerr @thatoneweirddude21 @spiderwebb93 @antifacowboy @simplynothuman @kaelvas and i love you guys!! and i’ve made so many awesome friends here, too!! i’m very lucky to be surrounded by good kind people

Beyond: What’s the scariest thing that’s ever happened to you?

>:DDDDDDD OK GHOST STORY TIME!!!

ok well ill tell this one. so while I was living in East LA, (I was serving as a missionary and like doing service and stuff), and me and my friend lived in sort of one of the more dangerous areas of Montebello. the apartment we had at the time was TINY like terrifyingly small. it was also like...... always filthy. which was weird bc me and my friend cleaned it constantly. we’d spend hours cleaning and then we’d leave and come back and it’d all be grimy again....... there was also a weird feeling inside the house like we didn’t want to be there. we’d spend a lot of our evenings sitting on the curb under the streetlight outside our house because being inside made us anxious.

id also heard stories bc id had a friend in this exact same apartment a few months earlier and she’d said that one night, it was broken into while she was there and that they made loud noises and scared the person away and since then they put a chair in front of the door every night so we did thtat too

so weird stuff happened to me and my friend the entire time we were there. our bikes would break even after we fixed them multiple times. we got bed bugs (ew) i got kidney stones (story for another day but an equally horrifying one). so weird stuff. also one night, some dude was outside our house screaming about how he was gonna kill someone and then cops came and like literally dragged him away. very scary.

so anyway this all peaked when my friend woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom one night. we had bunk beds bc our house was too small for two beds (i know.) and she was on the top and right in front of our beds was this like, pushed into the wall kind of closet but it was also raised off the ground a little. and she wakes up and looks in front of her into the closet and sees someone sitting in it like this 

(so i guess sort of L-style LOL ;alkdjf;sfldkj ok but worse) and anyway, it’s sitting at such a height inside the closet that it’s looking right into my bed.

so my sweet dumb friend gets up and goes to the bathroom anyway bc she’s a. disoriented b. thinks its me???? bc im the only other person that could be in the house??? idk why she thought this LOL

anyway but in the bathroom she wakes up enough to be like ‘hmm they would not be sitting ominously in the closet at 3am it’s probably not them’ and runs back out and the person is gone.

so she sits awake in her bed all night and cries until i wake up and then she cries more and tells me everything.

a week later, the president of our mission came to see our house because so many church members had complained that it was cursed and dangerous and he took one look at it and was like ‘YOURE MOVING’

so was it a person who broke in and my friend scared him away?!?!? or was it a demon???? she said it was a v shadowy figure without a face but it was also dark...... my bet is kind of on demon bECAUSE IT DOESNT STOP THERE

because we move right!!!!!! to alhambra!!! SO safe1!! also gorgeous and cute. we get this great house. awesome place. and anyway the house is set up at the end of a tiny little like, sidewalk and another house is almost directly in front of ours so ours faces his and his faces like, to the side. the dude in this house was super old and senile and we’d always say hello to him bc in alhambra, everyone spoke chinese or taiwanese but not spanish or english, but this guy spoke spanish and he was like the only one so we’d always say hello and he’d always be super confused. BUT the one SINGLE TIME he made sense EVER was like  a week after we moved and this dude was always standing outside watering his roses and we came home and he was like HEY i have a terrible story for you and we were like WHAT and he was like ‘so i was standing here today watering my flowers and i looked up and saw my shadow on the side of your house on your porch by your door’ and we were lke ‘ok uh huh ok go on’ and he was like ‘ and then. i moved. and the shadow didn’t move. so i ran inside and ive been waiting for you to get home ever since im scared there Something in your house’

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I KNOW RIGHT.

so the story doesnt really like Stop There but that’s the last experience i had in LA w demons !!!!!! 

[angelblumes]

food ment. Helllooooooo ugh would you like me to beat her up perhaps end up like her namesake, og mischa?(jk im not a (cannibal)) time to bust out the therapy voice tho , you will find your people and they will love you. Ok. ok wtf is happening? are we like the same person or something? wellbutrin buddies ❤ my room needs to be clean and moved the whole sha bang but I cant😔 life needs to be lived and such. I hope you arrived safely and happily and that everything is slightly better for you than it was last message and that you didn't get too carsick. my power went out today for like 3 seconds everything turned off everything , it usually takes alot for that to happen for my house just because its old and other reasons that I dont actually know. I've had a jam out session yesterday, it was so relaxing 😌 🙌 danced my little heart out to them guys I told you about. There's something abt the murders in hannibal that just does it for me... the artistry of it all. I love it when we talk outside of the 5 daily things too!!! hey, did you get that 'you're so mature for your age' as a kid or 'you've got an old soul' ? whats ur thoughts on that? I personally cant really imagine saying that to a kid maybe its a generational thing? ok 🙄😁 I like commentary ive been watching reactions? on youtube its a guilty pleasure, also I've been getting into some reality tv. Wife swap is crazy I love it alot and then the dating ones because ofc. whats one of the 1st reality show you remember watching and not hating? Honey Boo Boo and I Am Jaz (I think?) were my top two choices of reality. maybe a rewatch is in order for me. ok daily things um a guitar got brought into my house today i... its very.. it made me weirdly happy I love music and its instruments. thank goodness tbh my med were just a little later than usual, the pharmacy gave me emergency 3 days for they can figure out whats up because this is the second time we are having the same problem 😅 I had the best brownie of my life, it was store bought but like from the bakery fav dessert. I got this "new" shirt on so comfy, its tie dyed splattered different blues with an astronaut and nasa logo in white, its cute but also like 3? sizes too big (its a hand me down) dont worry abt the guy if a next time happens ill be ready for it 💪 it will go down, I personally know the man's family I will ruin his life if it comes down to it (we live in a town idk if it's small)or realistically just sic my family onto him. I found out my cousin has a gf now and is apparently very much happier than she was with her ex man (who made awesome cheesecake btw off topic tho) gay people stay winning, I did not know she was not straight tho so happy little surprise 😁 jeez its a lot of words uh I hope you're doing good and you had a good sleep and other nice stuff happen to you and you had a good trip🌷🤟🤙❤

HELPPP u are an angel. thank u❤️. and right exactly. normalize thinking fictional murders are artistic or something . thinkin abt how i used to think criminal minds murders were interesting but never had the right words so i'd just be like "woah he *kills them weirdly*? cool"😭. BUT YEAH i did get that all the time omfg "ur so mature for ur age!!" like thanks it's because i have issues and problems 💀....hmm i hate reality tv HAHA. this gc i'm in was just talking abt wife swap the other day how crazy !! idk if i've EVER liked reality tv .... i like watching commentary abt it (like uhh cody ko's stuff) but watching it myself... nope😭. daily things lets see!!! i went to the baltimore aquarium:) i was exhausted tho. saw that a tiktoker i like (hello fem will graham cosplayers...) went there a few days before me. how funny! i wish we had met and fallen in love or something. i went to bed at 5pm yesterday and slept til 3am. then went back to sleep from 6am to 10am. i think my new adhd/anxiety meds are the cause. sadly. cuz they work! but by making me too tired to be nervous or start thinking too much🥲. i'm tired 24/7 already and thats not helping LOL! i had this fancy meal ok multiple fancy meals and it was really nice. i got chesapeake chicken (haha like chesapeake ripper am i right?!?) and it had crab but i'm crazy i'm crazy i didn't eat the crab. the texture was soooo bad. anyway at another place i got a burger bc i'm lame i don't eat seafood (besides shrimp. which i am allergic to.) and i ate almost the whole thing and my friends mom said she was proud of me😭❤️. i always feel so guilty after eating a lot and that made me feel good. i've started watching more vampire video game play throughs. what can i say. vampire masquerade: bloodlines did something to my brain where i like vampire games now. it's the same guy which is cool. i dont like finding new youtubers becuz i've never kept up w whose problematic or not... like what if i get really into someone and mention it and someone's like oh yeah he preys on women. wtf. like umm cry? is he a youtuber? is he evil? cuz i was looking for a pathologic gameplay and he had one and i was like hmm... he sounds familiar. he has probably done something ? maybe? mm lastly.... i read this hunger games hannibal crossover WEEKS AGO but it's just still on my mind. i don't particularly love the hunger games but it's only bc i don't really know a lot abt it. i enjoy it but i've only seen the movies and read the first book (until rue died. never picked it up again after that! i cried a lottttt) and there's like an absurd amount of hannibal crossovers. i guess bc hannibal would totally rule in the hunger games. like come on a CANNIBAL? the uh.. capitol? they'd go crazyyyy for that. the fic itself wasn't even that groundbreaking or anything i have a lot of criticism for it tbh but it opened my brain to the concept. i have another one opened in a tab but it's super long so i haven't made much headway. i want one where it's like.... the one where the old winners come back for a game! and then they escape😈. but in the one i read will and hannibal sort of just escape anyway in a normal hunger game. like ok cool but i don't think that's plausible. but then how would it work ? like could will win a game on his own? maybe i should write my own fic. but then i'd have to understand what happens in the hunger games /j. ugh ok i was thinking abt that one scene where idk they do the little hand signal thing and drag katniss away and go to shut the door like right as they shoot that guy in the head. THAT WAS SO CRAZY. or when katniss shoots the lady instead of president snow and then everyone just descends on him💀 i feel like there's a level of nuance and understanding that i just don't have so i say "woah! cool :)" i hope ur doing well too ily❤️❤️💗

[hyercns-blog]

( the cuteST )

a bitch is Tired rn after pulling my usual shit, aka staying up until 5am for no reason only to stick out a two hour lab, cry while doing my connections page on my late lunch/packing break and napping in the car, so excuse the seeming lack of enthusiasm lkfdsjglk. hey i’m kat, i’m 20, canadian, and my current means of life rn are chocolate, drag race ( i.. am team anyone but b*b* rn, no offence but my girl needs to come back to earth and stop rubbing me the wrong way sdfgkjgfd ( i think sh*ngela deserves it most despite being more of a tr*xie stan tho js ) ) and 3am you in me listening parties with myself four months after its release rip !! i’m a uni student and in love with sowoo so you don’t wanna know the agony that comes with picking one over the other. you can hmu on d*scord if you’d like ( just find me in the gc and message me from there fkskf ) and this is so boRING, it’s like the life is sucked out of me omg. anyways hyeran, a whole.. other positive muse bc jesus, how many of these do i have rn ?? this is so out of hand man, but nonetheless here’s a bit abt the brat:

- ̗̀ wait, wait, was that JEON SOMIN i just saw? damn, it was actually just that TWENTY TWO year old MUSIC PRODUCER/BARISTA, YUN HYERAN. speaking of them, did you hear that they’re known as THE VIRTUOSO around gangnam? i guess it makes sense considering they act so EBULLIENT & LOYAL but at the same time so MAGNANIMOUS & DIFFIDENT. they’re also apparently a PANSEXUAL FEMALE OUTSIDER who uses SHE/HER pronouns. ( kat / 20 / gmt-3:30 / she/her )

yun hyeran, a daegu native with an older and younger brother, an ambivert and an all around baby

tbh this is a copied intro from a few months back and i don’t have the time to perfectly incorporate her recently developed bg, so pls anticipate a small bio with that explained HERE

buT she became involved in music through her father, who studied it in uni and ended up becoming a music instructor with a focus on piano, flute and vocals

her and her mom.. also her older brother, didn’t have the best relationship when she grew older, which seemed to die altogether when her parents divorced and her mom left. but her and her brother’s still exists, it’s just that he’s a bit of a toxic influence on her and she tends to distance herself from him

went to uni in seoul to pursue music like her father ( a daddy’s girl too like ) and found her way into the world of production !! by junior year, she’d transferred out of her original program and majored in that instead and has loved it ever since; she recently graduated

moved to gangnam bc.. idk, she just wanted to KDFJSGLGKFD

impulsive brat

would visit jeju island when she was younger bc her aunt lived there

she adores said aunt, her dad’s sister and the maternal figure she Deserves, so overall jeju holds a special place in her heart

for the time being, she works full-time as a barista at the café just a block from her cute little studio apartment while looking into internships at record labels for her to take on a little further down the line ( no rush bc it’s already quite competitive and she’d rather enjoy what she has going now )

she’s also making something of an income as the creator of an acct on youtube and soundcloud for her music, something she’s had for abt two years now

she’s not even close to making it big yet, and she doesn’t mind if she never works for a moderately to highly popular label — though she should if she wants to get by

among the aesthetic, lo-fi music crowd ( one of those yt accts with a livestream for certain playlists that go on for hours, rip ) where for the most part, it’s personal faves mixed with her own works, and has a substantial following as of now. but has an interest in experimenting, with mashups ( as a lover of them ?? i couldn’t help myself sgflkdsjg ) for example, with a small fear of how that change would be received

this is so short now that i’ve shortened it immensely iK, it’s a little infuriating if you ask me ljkgdfjls

in terms of her personality and other things:

she’s a very loyal person, v e r y. while like i said ( and will elaborate on in her bio ), her relationship with her brother is Not Great, she hasn’t completely given up on him. maybe for the time being, but her being someone who’s open to the idea of people changing for the better somewhere down the line, leaves a bit of room for her to possibly change her mind if he does enough to allow her to consider it

so she can be a bit of a doormat in some cases, it all depends on how she sees the person that determines if that’s the case, but she generally won’t let you off if you’re being dumb/an ass to someone or if she gets advantageous vibes from you for example ( given she can.. be a little naive and is a p gentle soul ) so.. idk fgklsj good luck to the 99% ig ??

she does have a slight dependency on others despite her thinking all signs point to the opposite, and even though her and her mom never rly had a good relationship she still reels from the neglect/abandonment some days so handle her with Care if she deems you a close pal

spontaneous tbh, moving to gangnam was a little last minute on her part, for one

she’s a bit reclusive when focused on something, if she tells you she’s working on a track, it’s essentially a head’s up that you might not see her for a couple of days depending on how soon she gets it done — lowkey that bitch™ who makes up an illness to her boss, so she wouldn’t even show up for work if it’s more than just her fucking around

bc admittedly, a lot of what she posts is fucking around and liking it, her more thought-out and effort packed projects are hidden away on her laptop

a bit insecure with her work and just her general disposition ?? those first few points above mess with her a lot and leave her disheartened so.. my poor child

v strong overall, takes people’s shit and if it gets to her, she gets over it p fast. doesn’t dwell on much and will be courteous to you even if she’s declared you too toxic to stick around 24/7

isn’t exactly one to get angry ?? she’s basically just disappointed or annoyed at best 99% of the time, it takes a lot to get her beyond that

positive, ugh. maybe not sickeningly sweet, but still. kinda explained parts of it above and i’m 95% gone mentally rn, gotta spare that for other little details gsjklf

a cute bean who wants the best for everyone

uhhh

has a good understanding of english, her mom’s an american national so she grew up with it being spoken in the house at times

prob speaks it better than i speak french, but still wouldn’t consider herself fluent

plays piano and bass guitar, but knows her way around a flute and tenor sax ( you don’t know how tempted i was to say clarinet bc of jiwoo gjflkgds )

prob had some kind of little amateur rock band with a few music majors and took up bass for the hell of it lmao

loves animals, leans towards cats or big dogs. corgis and those little spaniels get a pass tho

speaking of, she has a cute little calico kitten ( i’m shit with pet names so if lucy sounds lacklustre.. you know why rgkjls ) who she Loves, her baby !!

sweater, ball cap and basic t shirt junkie

those glasses somin’s been wearing a lot of lately ?? hyeran wears them too but.. actually needs them, not even close to a fashion statement

doesn’t don much makeup unless someone’s dragging her to a party or something

thaT’S when she looks a little more like a classy early twenties bitch.. which lbr, is hard enough when adulthood is a whole Train Wreck for the most part LGFJSDL

not a heavy drinker, but the textbook definition of a lightweight so.. she’s always praying for anyone who has to deal with her dgfjklsfg

lattes are her livelihood

a bit of a hopeless romantic, just a bit, but god help her nonetheless

her favourite subject in school was literature/writing and reads quite a bit on her breaks at the café

favourite music genres.. it’s easier to say what she doesn’t like/finds boring, which is prob country and some aspects of edm/pop, not into punk/metal either

these are super basic but.. i’ve gotta get myself together for the day so this’ll do for now i hope ??

so if you’d like to plot, im me here or on d*scord ! i prefer the latter personally, but whichever’s easiest for you. i have a list of a few of the specific wcs i have in mind ( for the time being, catch my lazy ass avoid listing all the basic ones and revising a few i have on an old blog ) for hyeran up now, which you can find here, so just lmk if any of them appeal to you !!

[lovelytiefling]

okayy i was tagged by @inspireigen but my phone wouldnt let me copy paste the questions all at once onlyone at a time and i was too lazy to do that so took a screenshot lol

1. Okay so my url before this one was sapphicsunflower (or it mightve been a variation on that like svnflower? cuz i think someone else had the regular word ANYWAYS) but before that i had the url queen-quasar, and i wanted to go back to that one. only to find that it was taken…. but like, me and outerspace man we go hand in hand, so i decided to keep quasar in the name and keep the alliteration by making it quasi-quasar. its also kinda a joke cuz quasi- means like “somewhat” or “kind of/almost [something]” so like my url isnt totally what it was before bUT it kIND OF is

2. oof. OOF. im bad at like picking stuff, like im super indecisive. theres just a lot of good songs out there man. hmm ill just say the first that comes to mind is “This Life is Mine” from the RWBY soundtrack. ive always rly enjoyed the rwby music, “Home” from rwby is also a song that brings tears to my eyes haha

but for something a little different, theres a song that i performed in choir senior year that pulls at my heartstrings. its called “Homeward Bound” and im not one to like toot my own horn lmao im not a great singer on my own but as a choir i think we did an amazing job, my teacher said it was an audience favorite that night. and i mean you can look it up and listen to it, but like it wont be the same as the way i got to hear it man (not just cuz we had it arranged a little different) we just… we did a good job and the song evoked emotion from a lot of us. its a song about leaving to go on a journey but promising to come back to your loved ones. granted it talks about like not wanting to be stuck on a farm, but like the overall theme a lot of us could relate to. and we even had a class discussion about different meanings and interpretations for it and ngl some folks cried. so uh yeah haha its not exactly somethin im jamming out to all the time but i just thought it was worth mentioning

3. Controversial? Apple pie sucks ass. Every person whomst the fuck ive ever mentioned hating apple pie to looked at me in dISGUST

4. i cant remember hmm… its not that i dont see people doing nice things, its just almost 3am so my brains all stupid and also i just cant remember exactly having that thought recently uhh. yknow, that post about the person who played runescape and the higher level player that casually gave them some rly good stuff without anything to gain has been circulating again recently. i think that. sure its just a game, but it had a positive impact on a kid yknow? also, thats something thatd just make someones day, even as an adult.

5. UHHHHHHHHH UUUUHHHHHHHHHHHH i can draw better than a stick figure no but yeah…. i think drawing is my rly only like good skill… im glad im decent at it

6. oh gooood. okay. so me and my parents were gonna go see thor: ragnarok like months ago right. but the theater was full so we decided to see another movie. they picked. like. bad moms: christmas?? i think it was called that?? and uh IT WASNT GREAT LOL. NOT WORTH IT

7. Fullmetal Alchemist. FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST. FUUULLMETAL ALCHEMIIIIST. Like ive watched the first fma once and fma brotherhood 3 times. like. i lOVE it. in fact i want a tattoo from it (human transmutation circle).

other notable mentions would be like zelda, atla/lok, and zero escape. oh but maybe as far as like movies, mad max:fury road, pacific rim, uhhh bands. panic! at the disco, (it didnt say singers bUT) florence + the machine. also. just gonna throw in the adventure zone.

i like a lot of things lmao

8. first fandom. hmm. im having trouble with this question cuz its like, what counts as fandom. like ive been a big fan of things but only talked about them among friends. ive just reblogged stuff without making art/posts about it myself. like rn im thinking back to when i had deviantart in like middle school. man idk. thats hard to say. im gonna have to pass on giving a direct answer on that one sorry!!

9. working (ever… so… slowly) on a webcomic. still planning stuff out for it. ive got a long way to go. ive also got just regular ol drawing ideas that id like to do real soon

10. Some type of magic user for sure!! Like a mage/witch/sorcerer or anything. I mean if were talking like dnd, i havent played it but i already know i wanna try out bard, warlock, and wizard if i get the chance to, all of which involve some kind of magic. and in video games if i get to pick a class then yeah lol i 99% of the tome choose some kind of mage

im supposed to tag people but im lazy and just gonna tag @fulmentus

and uhh, its 3am now i dont feel like coming up with new questions, kas if you do this game just use the ones i did lol

[hycrans]

( the cuteST )

a bitch is Tired rn after pulling my usual shit, aka staying up until 5am for no reason only to wake up three hours later to watch bts run, so excuse the seeming lack of enthusiasm lkfdsjglk. hey i’m jules, i’m 20, canadian, and my current means of life rn are chocolate, the x files ( iM LATE IK SFGDJLK ) and 3am you in me listening parties with myself rip !! it’s been almost a month since its release, i need to Relax dammit. i’m a uni student who just got off for christmas break and in love with sowoo so you don’t wanna know the agony that came with picking one over the other without a bit of help. you can hmu on d*scord at HAPPY S*OKJIN DAY#2030 ( don’t.. call me out for not having an updated name since his birthday’s passed, i’m not v bright pls ) if you’d like and this is so boRING, it’s like the life is sucked out of me omg. anyways hyeran, a whole.. other positive muse bc jesus, how many of these do i have rn ?? this is so out of hand man, but nonetheless here’s a bit abt the brat:

- ̗̀ JEON SOMIN, CISFEMALE, SHE/HER ̖́- – have you seen YUN HYERAN? people’ve said the TWENTY TWO year old has been running around the streets of jeju lately, which is odd because aren’t they a BARISTA/MUSIC PRODUCER during the day? anyways, i know they’re known to be EBULLIENT and TRANQUIL but recently i’ve heard they’ve been MAGNANIMOUS and DIFFIDENT, but i could be wrong. ( jules / 20 / gmt-3:30 / she/her )

EDIT: i somehow forgot to mention that she’s.. not sure where she is on the lgbt spectrum but she knows she’s Not Straight JFGDSLKJGK but she’s panromantic so yeah sgjkdl. i’m a whole mess today, i’m sorry lol

yun hyeran, a daegu native with an older and younger brother, an ambivert and an all around baby

tbh i don’t have much of her bg figured out, that’s always the last thing i get to so rip

buT she became involved in music through her father, who studied it in uni and ended up becoming a music instructor with a focus on piano, flute and vocals

her and her mom.. also her older brother, didn’t have the best relationship when she grew older, which seemed to die altogether when her parents divorced and her mom left. but her and her brother’s still exists, it’s just that he’s a bit of a toxic influence on her and she tends to distance herself from him

went to uni in seoul to pursue music like her father ( a daddy’s girl too like ) and found her way into the world of production !! by junior year, she’d transferred out of her original program and majored in that instead and has loved it ever since; she recently graduated

moved to jeju island bc an aunt lived there when she was young and she LOVED to visit, made a few friends there and would always whine abt the next time they could all go see her aunt again. so it made sense for her to live, at least for a little while, in one of her favourite places

she also adores said aunt, her dad’s sister and the maternal figure she Deserves, so she came partially to see her more often

for the time being, she works full-time as a barista at the café just a block from her cute little studio apartment while looking into internships at record labels for her to take on a little further down the line ( no rush bc it’s already quite competitive and she’d rather enjoy what she has going now )

she’s also making something of an income as the creator of an acct on youtube and soundcloud for her music, something she’s had for abt two years now

she’s not even close to making it big yet, and she doesn’t mind if she never works for a moderately to highly popular label — though she should if she wants to get by

among the aesthetic, lo-fi music crowd ( one of those yt accts with a livestream for certain playlists that go on for hours, rip ) where for the most part, it’s personal faves mixed with her own works, and has a substantial following as of now. but has an interest in experimenting, with mashups ( as a lover of them ?? i couldn’t help myself sgflkdsjg ) for example, with a small fear of how that change would be received

this is so short iK, it’s a little infuriating if you ask me ljkgdfjls

in terms of her personality and other things:

she’s a very loyal person, v e r y. while like i said, her relationship with her brother is Not Great, she hasn’t completely given up on him. maybe for the time being, but her being someone who’s open to the idea of people changing for the better somewhere down the line, leaves a bit of room for her to possibly change her mind if he does enough to allow her to consider it

so she can be a bit of a doormat in some cases, it all depends on how she sees the person that determines if that’s the case, but she generally won’t let you off if you’re being dumb/an ass to someone or if she gets advantageous vibes from you for example ( given she can.. be a little naive and is a p gentle soul ) so.. idk fgklsj good luck to the 99% ig ??

she does have a slight dependency on others despite her thinking all signs point to the opposite, and even though her and her mom never rly had a good relationship she still reels from the neglect/abandonment some days so handle her with Care if she deems you a close pal, 

spontaneous tbh, moving to jeju was a little last minute on her part, for one

she’s a little reclusive when focused on something, if she tells you she’s working on a track, it’s essentially a head’s up that you might not see her for a couple of days depending on how soon she gets it done — lowkey that bitch™ who makes up an illness to her boss, so she wouldn’t even show up for work if it’s more than just her fucking around

bc admittedly, a lot of what she posts is fucking around and liking it, her more thought-out and effort packed projects are hidden away on her laptop

a bit insecure with her work and just her general disposition ?? those first few points above mess with her a lot and leave her disheartened so.. my poor child

v strong overall, takes people’s shit and if it gets to her, she gets over it p fast. doesn’t dwell on much and will be courteous to you even if she’s declared you too toxic to stick around 24/7

isn’t exactly one to get angry ?? she’s basically just disappointed or annoyed at best 99% of the time, it takes a lot to get her beyond that

positive, ugh. maybe not sickeningly sweet, but still. kinda explained parts of it above and i’m 95% gone mentally rn, gotta spare that for other little details gsjklf

a cute bean who wants the best for everyone and is also clumsy as absolute fuCK

uhhh

plays piano and bass guitar ( you don’t know how tempted i was to say clarinet bc of jiwoo gjflkgds )

prob had some kind of little amateur rock band with a few music majors and took up bass for the hell of it lmao

loves animals, leans towards cats or big dogs. corgis and those little spaniels get a pass tho

speaking of, she has a cute little calico kitten ( i’m shit with pet names so that’s tba rgkjls ) who she Loves, her baby !!

sweater, ball cap and basic t shirt junkie

those glasses somin’s been wearing a lot of lately ?? hyeran wears them too but.. actually needs them, not even close to a fashion statement

doesn’t don much makeup unless someone’s dragging her to a party or something

thaT’S when she looks a little more like a classy early twenties bitch.. which lbr, is hard enough when adulthood is a whole Train Wreck for the most part LGFJSDL

not a heavy drinker, but the textbook definition of a lightweight so.. she’s always praying for anyone who has to deal with her dgfjklsfg

lattes are her livelihood

a bit of a hopeless romantic, god help her

her favourite subject in school was literature/writing and reads quite a bit on her breaks at the café

favourite music genres.. it’s easier to say what she doesn’t like/finds boring, which is prob country and some aspects of edm/pop, not into punk/metal either

these are super basic but.. i’ve gotta get myself together for the day so this’ll do for now i hope ??

so if you’d like to plot, im me here or on d*scord ! i prefer the latter personally, but whichever’s easiest for you. i have a list of a few of the specific wcs i have in mind ( for the time being, catch my lazy ass avoid listing all the basic ones and revising a few i have on an old blog ) for hyeran up now, which you can find here, so just lmk if any of them appeal to you !!

[saintkimora]

well here is how my past 3-5 dates w joel have gone this past week

so! ive been spending the night w him p much every other night. so our 4th date was like 8 days ago. i got there and i THOUGHT we were gonna be in his room again but we were in his room for 2 seconds then he came in like “oh btw my roommates are making us go in the living room and be social” so i was like ..................................................rip i was like here i go its time for the caleb and leeann applebees date 2.0 :/ so we went in to the living room and it was with marissa and lindsey bc his other roommate was out. so everyone was like wtf are we gonna do so after some talking joel decided we would all watch the babadook on netflix since we were talking about the meme and most of us hadnt seen it. i hate scary movies but i figured i could get through it since i had joel to hold on to and since the babadook is like a meme now. so yeah it was fine i got along ok w the roommates and the movie wasnt that scary except for one part. there was one point where i felt like i was starting to shut down a little and i was feeling bad about possibly ruining things again but i asked joel afterwards and he didnt even notice lmao so i dont think it was as bad as i thought

lindsey went to bed halfway through the movie so it was just me joel and marissa by the end. after the movie marissa went into her room and joel and i went back to his room. idk if this next part happened at this point or if it happened on our next date bc its hard for me to keep the timeline straight since it all happens so fast lol so regardless of what day it was this was the next significant thing that happened w me and joel

so i was watching him play overwatch or something and his brother called him on the phone and they had a long conversation about joels financial situation while i was just sitting there lol. so afterwards joel put his head in my lap and explained all his problems to me about how hes so stressed out with money and stuff. and like obv i felt really bad for him bc that sucks. BUT i actually kinda liked it bc i liked how vulnerable and genuine he was being! it made me feel a lot closer to him. then we watched these olds 80s (?) game shows w his head still in my lap (one of them was like some knockoff of snatch game but w regular celebrities instead of drag queens omg) and he had the FUNNIEST commentary about all the old commercials and stuff lol i havent laughed that hard in a LONG time so it was really nice

and idk if this happened that night or the babadook night but i ate his ass again and once again it was a religious experience like his ass is SOOOOOOOO nice i still cant get over it lmao

so then fast forward to the next 2 days later and for whatever reason joel and i werent planning on meeting that night. but he texted me at like 2am telling me he was feeling kinda down about things and how he wished i was there w him rn so i decided to go visit him! and like he kept being like “i dont wanna bother you/i feel bad about always making you come all the way out here for me” and how he wasnt used to guys putting in so much effort and caring about him so much and like...it really wasnt that serious like it wasnt a hindrance to me at all bc i wanted to see him anyways lol but it did make me feel kinda bad for him bc like his old bfs must have been real flops for him to view me just doing decent bf things as like these grand gestures. i have more to say on this but it will be towards the end of the post

so yeah i showered and got there by like 3am. he set up his futon since it was bigger than his bed so we would have more room. and he talked to me about how stressed he was about money and medical school applications and how he felt kinda worthless so i listened to him and comforted him and all that stuff. then we watched the rpdr reunion together and it was SO much fun omg he was shook p much the whole time since it was so iconic. then we went to sleep since i had work in the morning

also like the night after that we were texting and i told him i was really tired and he was like but youre never tired and i was like ya but i had 2 full days of work and i barely got any sleep last night (which was bc i was awake w him until like 5am) and i realized afterwards that it was kinda mean of me to say it bc to me i was just explaining why i was tired but he was already feeling like a burden making me drive all the way there and comfort him so telling him how tired i was probably made him feel bad about asking me for comfort which is NOT how i want him to feel bc i want him to be able to request my help whenever he needs it. so i could tell he was kinda caught off guard by me saying it so i called him and apologized and we cleared it all up. anyways it was just nice to actually call him and discuss the issue and resolve it without any drama. and he said it meant a lot that i even called him to make sure he was feeling ok so it seems that at least i did something right 

there was the next date which was pretty much the same as usual. this time i watched him play diablo 3. but this time we also fooled around and he made me cum and then i was trying to make him cum but i fell asleep bc i was so tired asfnkjashdasna i felt SOOOOOOOOO bad when i woke up that morning :( i apologized and he said it was fine and he was tired too but i still felt bad about it

so then last night/this morning was our most recent date. when i got there a friend of him/his roommates named chris was using his room bc he was playing overwatch so i had to hang out w joel marissa and lindsey in the living room. it was extremely nerve wracking and i was sweating like crazy but i tried to hide my nervousness and socialize. lindsey and marissa seem to like me esp bc i brought joel a gift that day (hes like obsessed w friends and i saw a friends t shirt when i was shopping that day so i got it for him lol) also lindsey is iconic bc she is so wacky shes always getting on the floor and doing weird poses and moves and stunts. and marissa is p funny so i like them both. but still having to talk to them was stressful even though theyre both really nice. lindsey walked into joels room later that night when he was laying down and i was sitting on top of him and said she wanted to join and then later when joel was in the kitchen she came in the doorway and asked if i could be her boyfriend asfjkafndsjnkajs now THIS is a cracked queen

so the rest of the night was nice! we watched like 3 drag race s5 eps on amazon video and we did lots of cuddling and stuff as usual. then we went to bed and we woke up and we fooled around and we BOTH came this time. it was difficult for me trying to get him to cum but i had to power through it bc i had to redeem myself after last time. then i watched him play overwatch and then i watched him play destiny. i really enjoyed it! like i was sitting there cuddling a cute guy and watching him play videogames w both of us shirtless like that is literally all i want and i finally have it!

so yeah! its going really well w joel at the moment. we get along really well and i like his sense of humor and its nice having someone w similar interests to mine! and i love playing w his hair and touching his nice soft belly and his thick thighs and playing w his beard. and i looooooooooooooooooooovvvveeeeeee his voice so much omg the way he says certain words is so cute and hes always making cute weird noises and its super endearing. and i LOVE love love being able to cuddle w someone until we both fall asleep and then waking up together! its so nice 

he doesnt seem to be losing interest in me yet which is good. however this is the issue that i mentioned earlier that i would come back to. so hes constantly telling me about how hes not used to being w someone that puts in so much effort and treats him so well. so that got me thinking. like...obv he likes me at least a little but i have a feeling he might like me a lot more rn bc he isnt used to being treated so nicely. so like, after the initial novelty of being treated like this wears off im afraid he’ll realize he doesnt actually like me that much (like if it ends up being more of a he likes the way i make him feel more than he actually likes me as a person). so im kinda worried about that but im hoping it doesnt happen obv and that he continues to like me. and again. we’ve been in somewhat social situations together now since i had to talk to his 2 roommates but it really wasnt easy for me at all. and we still havent actually gone “out” and done something, like going out to eat or attending a function together or something. so i still have to wait and see how we’re able to interact in those situations before i can determine whether our relationship will work out. im also still too nervous to eat in front of him so whenever he asks if im hungry i lie and say no even though majority of the time i am actually really hungry :/ rip

so yeah thats p much it! its pretty nice atm, except for the issues i just mentioned. also last night joel told me that one of his hookup buddies was back in town the other day and texted him but he had to turn him down and tell him that he is with someone now (me) so that was nice to know! since he seems to view us as exclusive now. we still havent officially decided we are in a relationship but im really in no rush to do that since its only been like a week and a half so i want to continue getting to know him and stuff. i still do feel that he is gonna lose interest at some point but rn it seems that will be later rather than sooner so i am just trying to take it day by day. im also worried about greece since ill be gone for a month so it is very possible that he might meet someone else that he likes more during that time which would really suck. but im kinda just operating on the assumption that its what is gonna happen that way if it does happen i wont be too shocked and if it doesnt happen ill be pleasantly surprised

so yeah thats it, overall its going really well and im having a lot of fun with him! hopefully things continue on this path and we get even closer bc i really like him so far

[mhhrr19]

Authors note!!! I'm only on day two of this game so if 707 seems off or anything else then my bad lol reading other lemons (yesh this is a lemon) i got a feeling for who he is. But for the sake of my story let's pretend people want to hurt Rika and your nervous about joining RFA. (Lol didnt get to this part so I guess there's a part two!!lol) Warnings: sexy 707, smut, sex, other kinky stuff idk You understood the worries of the other members of RFA but you felt like you were being watched yet like this was different. Everywhere you went, you felt evil watching you, the kind of malice only a demon would have. You haven't slept in two days and barely eaten. After 7 said there were confidential files all over the apartment, you barely entered it. You slept on the floor right in front of the door and always went out to eat. You lost your job and only had little money for food. Something about the RFA made you want to stay but the conditions you set for yourself made you sleep deprived and always hungry. To keep your mind off of your fears you opened the app hoping 7 was online. Something about him made you forget your worries. Maybe it was his joking behavior on life, the Golden eyes that drew you in, or perhaps it was the fact that he knew many secrets and you didn't have to worry about slipping something up. You sighed seeing as how no one was online. You should of known it was 3am after all. A small tear slipped from your eyes as you prepared for bed. The draft of door passed through your clothes and the makeshift pillow was hard. You shivered and whispered his name, wishing he was here. The light of your phone broke the darkness indicating a text. You jumped straight up and ran to the light. A text from 7 asking why you were awake this late. You smiled and replied it's not nice to hack a person's phone. A few minutes passed before he replied. You face froze a little at the words. "Hey i know you lost your job because you chose to stay at the apartment instead of going home. I thank you for that. According to your bank records you've been eating out alot and you don't have much money left. Why aren't you useing the kitchen? I know there's plenty of food. I stock it myself. Perhaps are you bad at cooking?? Lollll I couldn't imagine that XP also seeing how active your phone is im taking it you aren't getting enough sleep!! You need to take better care of yourself or else we can't kidnap Elizabeth the 3rd!!!" Even though 7 just hacked every inch of your privacy, you were glad he did. You didn't have to bring it up first, you didn't have to sound so helpless. You smiled as you typed. " 7 it's not good to make a habit of hacking my whole life! But since we are on this subject can I ask a favor of you? All of these files make me nervous and can you come over and take the ones I can't see? I want to be the new Rika, maybe even better if I can but I want RFA to trust me first. Your the only one who's know the contents of these files and the location but I know it's late and you don't have to if your sleepy." Your hands shook as you hit the send button. You waited ten minutes in fear that you asked to much of him. His response finaly came. It was short but it was what you wanted hear. A simple "yes lol". 20 minutes passed and you tried to make yourself look a little better. The black circles under your eyes covered in make up, wrinkled jeans and Hoodie with a coffee spill on it gave away the fact that you never went home for clothes. The doorbell rang and jolted you out of your thoughts. You swiftly opened the door to see a smiling 7. "Ooo kitten you haven't been taking care of yourself!" 7 purred as he walked in. You blushed as you looked down at the floor. He was taller in person and his eyes seemed to glow with something you couldn't tell what it was. "Thank you 7 for coming so late. You could of waited till daytime if this bothered you too much". You sheeply replied as he brushed away the papers on the couch. He spotted the makeshift pillow in the corner of the room as he looked around. He noticed nothing was out of place. Nothing. He sighed as he grabbed your waste and pulled you into his lap. His lips brushed your ear as he whispered "This is your home now. Don't be worried to use it." The blush you had on your face quickly disappeared as a single tear ran down your cheek. Your arms wrapped around his neck as you burried your face in the nook of his neck. His headphones pressed against your temple as you started speak. "I want to do so much with RFA. I want to help people and change the world but when I look at this place it reminds me that I'm replacing a person who was loved by everyone. I'm scared ill mess up. I'm scared that if I make this place my home, then you and the other will hate me. Her papers are everywhere. Her hand writing is on sticky notes. You cared for her so much that you kept this place stocked with food." Your sobbing interrupted you, just as you drew in a deep breath filled with the sweet sent of 7, he chuckled. He pulled your hips closer as his long fingers found your chin. With a light tug he pulled you to face him. "First off kitten we would never hate you for doing what we asked you to do. You gave up your old life for us. You aren't replacing Rika and you shouldnt compare yourself to her. You are what we need right now. I've seen every paper you wrote for school, every work project, you are smart, you are what we need right now. This place isn't a temple for Rika. The only reason I kept this place stocked with food is cause I felt that someone would come along and help us. And I was right. You came so now you have to make this place yours." You smiled through the tears and nodded at his words. "The first thing we need to do is make this place yours" He purred as he pulled your hoodie over your head and tossed it on the stack of papers in the corner of the floor. You blushed as how you were only wearing a see through tank top and black bra peaking through. As you tried to cover yourself, 7 picked you up and sat you ontop of the kitchen table. His lips crashed into yours as he positioned himself between your legs. With every passing second his kisses grew deeper and hungrier for yours. He bit your lips as he pulled back A little for air but unluckily for you, you didn't get such a break as you gasped at his fingers curling under the hem of your shirt.with a quick chuckle he removed your shirt with one shift movement and threw it so it landed in the sink. He kissed you once more slipping his tongue in as he grabbed your ass. Your legs quickly found themselves around his waist. You were so lost in the kiss that you didn't notice he was about to pick you up. With one bite he lifted you up and made his way to the bathroom. He let your legs drop to the ground as he started to bite your neck. You started to whimper as he got closer to your soft spot on your neck. He grinned as he heard your breath stop. He hovered his lips above your spot as he watched your reaction. Craving more he bit down hard earning a gasp and you moaning his his name. You bit you lip as you looked into his hungry eyes. He smiled as he kissed his bite mark causing you to moan once more. His fingers were quick at work as they undid your pants. 7 skipped passed your breast and kissed a trail down your stomach. Bracing the bathroom sink every time he would bite a place on your stomach. He stopped just above the hem of your jeans and looked up at you. You saw his face watching your every move as you asked him what he was doing is hopes to figure out why he had stopped. His grin appeared once more as he stated with a slight smugness he was thinking of where throw your pants to make sure you knew this was your bathroom. A deep blush appeared across your face as his breath sent shivers to your core. He tore your pants down at the sight of your blushing face and picked you up bridal style. "I can't take this tease anymore!" He shouted as he tossed you on the bed. He flipped you over on your stomach and made you get on all fours as he crawled ontop of you. You moaned as you felt his kisses and bites on your back. He unclipped your bra and tossed it in the open closet and his hand found its way to your breast and pinched hard on your nipple Causing you to back your ass into his groin. He let out a deep growl as he rubbed his erected member against your ass. You could feel how large he was through his jeans and you got pleasure from the pressure only to have it torn away as he flipped you on your back. The sudden movement caught you in a daze. You barely saw him remove his own shirt and pants as he came crashing down on you. He engulfed your lips in a passionate kiss as his fingers wasted no time in ripping your panties off. You gasped as the cold air hit your soaking wet womanhood. 7 smiled and he said "don't worry, you won't be cold down there long". Before a blush could form on your face 7 slammed into you with full force. You scream his name as he bottom out in you. 7 let out the most erotic moan you could fathom. He lifted himself up just enough to look you in the eyes. "Kitten your too tight and we need to fix that" with that said he began rocking his hips and forcing you to feel his every inch with your walls. He quickly found your g spot and aimed for it everytime. You were so lost in the feeling that you hadn’t noticed your nails digging into his shoulders causing him to moan and thrust into you much faster and harder. His hair tickled against your neck as you felt a build up in your stomach. You whimpered as he started kiss your neck "7 im gonna cum if you keep this pace up" You barely said between moans. You'd hope he'd slow down some so you wouldn't cum so fast and enjoy him some more but he only smirked and drove deeper and harder into you. You arched your back as your walls pulsed around his member and with a wave of pleasure you had came. He pulled out of you as you caught your breath and before you could complain that you didn't make him cum, he flipped you over on your knees once more and slammed into you again. Not even missing a beat he kept his fast pace from before and leaned down hovering over your shaking body. "Kitten im going to make you cum many more times before I'm over so just relax and enjoy the pleasure." What seemed like forever, 13 different positions and too many orgasims to count, 7 had finaly thrusted one last time releasing his cum in what seemed to be your womb. He collapsed besides you and pulled you closer as he struggled for air. You lost your voice a long time ago due to you screaming his name. 7 pulled the blankets over you and said with that you should be able to get a good night sleep now. You smiled at his remark and kissed his chest once last time before a deep sleep quickly overcame your aching body.

[pepperminthealing-blog]

Day 1

I want to start this blog stating that I’m going to attempt to write everyday, and maybe even more than one a day. The events of this blog will not be in chronological order, it’s going by what is really tearing my heart apart that day, where my mind wanders. 

I want to say thank you for whoever reads this, and I hope through my healing it may give you some insight in your own life, or better understanding of whatever. Or even if you’re just curious, I hope it tickles your feather I suppose.

On we go.

A month and a half ago I met someone, and we had the instant click. Whether it was because we were considerably nerdy, or because he made me feel safe during my current situations. Honestly, it was all supposed to be a joke; and thats so sickening to me knowing that I fell that low. We first met on tinder, and he would send some uh... wonderful messages. And my co-workers and I would read them and respond, then chuckle as we just kind of made fun of this guy who seemed to really be trying too hard. -Sigh- Who would of known that this guy was actually someone with a very very soft heart. We lost contact once I left my job shortly after my miscarriage and gained contact back when I returned, he was already seeing someone and I was on the line of breaking up with the person I was with at the time as well. We made rules that we wouldnt hang outside of work until we both had ended those two terms, because we wanted to be as truthful and transparent with not just one another but with them, fairness to speak. Today, I couldn’t tell you how we got to where we were that day, it was literally just a click... Maybe I was craving something that he posessed because I wasnt getting it in my own relationship? Idk. But, the first night we hung out... I knew I had to keep walking with him. He took me to Wawa at 3am, and bought me a tuna sandwich, and we drove to some dock area and talked about politcal things, hospital business and just our opinions on the world. It was freeing, connecting and intoxicating to find someone who had a like mindset as my own, that could hold an intellectual conversation on things that really mattered to me. After hours of talking, he drove me back to my car and kissed me, and it felt so tender and innocent. I think that was the moment I let my walls down, that for some stupid reason my dumb broken heart wanted to just burst and open up to someone I barely had any knowledge of. The most we talked when seperated was sexual things, and from my past expierences that was never a good sign, but WHY DID THIS FEEL DIFFERENT? Was it because he was a nurse I worked with? That I believed he didnt have the capacity to break me like anyone else could in this world? -sigh.- I slept with him that night, and the hormones our brains release during that time, started the attachment. But it also set the fear in that he would be like everyone else. I want to skip around so much because diving back into these memories have been nothing but haunting the last week, but I’m trying to remind myself that skipping details is skipping moments that could possibly heal you. As I’m writing this, I’m crying tears over this stupid guy. And calling him stupid isnt going to fix anything, because even though you guys have gotten to read down to this part, I just want to say he isnt bad at all. He didnt leave to be an asshole, he was physically ill, he had an addiction problem and I was his catnip. And asking him to stay wasnt just selfish of me, but it was deadly. I would of never forgiven myself if he relapsed because I pushed him too far. I know he cared about me, and the impression I’m giving of him already doesnt give that off, so I wanted to say that before I continued the rest of this story.

Anyways, weeks passed and James and I would have deep conversations about our lives, fantasies, dreams and things. He would care for me when I was sick, reach out and cushion the blows I would take from the break up I just endured. He would push me to take the stress of work and push through it, remind me that I’m doing it for the greater good, and that I was doing just fine. He calmed the storm in my mind for a brief period of time, while I rumbled the dark one in his. Sex and the connection we made was what he called “catnip” to him, and he tried to push me away and I pulled him right back in. Not only was I intoxicating to him, but he became just as much to me. Who wouldnt want someone who could protect them from the harsh of the world for some time?? To give them that freedom feeling that they have CRAVED to feel for years? Valentines day, he gave me 3 chokers, and they meant the absolute world to me. Not only were they ones I wanted, but they had meaning to me. They were heartfelt emotional presents, specially from him; and I felt I was flying. I think that night was the night I began the falling process, or well... I know I did. I stepped off the ledge after he told me to not move furniture into a house he was only renting. I refused to believe that, in my head I thought I could save him, that this would be different. And the signs he gave off, gave me the hope that just that was happening.

......this is the hardest part.....

The day after Valentines day, I woke up and in my stomach I felt something different. I felt like our connection was torn, I was depressed and I thought it was just maybe me. We talked all day, and everything seemed normal. But that night, when he got off his shift, he met me in the staircase at my work. The staircase where he would visit me before he left, where he told me how crazy he was for me, where we shared some of our best kisses.... The staircase I walked down to have my first in face conversation with him...I sat next to him... Him: “Hey buddy, how are you?” It always bothered me when he called me buddy, I wasnt his buddy. I was his Kitten, his baby... “I’m alright, how are you?” “Tired.”  I wanted to just slump onto him and just melt. But I could feel the tension behind his words, that there was something that he wanted to say. “Are you still coming over Thursday?” “I don’t think thats going to be a good idea, buddy.” That last sentence shattered the world that he built up with me. I pressed on asking and he began to lightly tell me how what we built up was unhealthy for him, which I didn’t understand at that moment how it was unhealthy. How our relationship was bad for him, but I wasnt. His hazel eyes stared into mine, and I could feel that wall being built between us, I felt shut out. I tried clawing at that wall, pushing, hammering everything I could to get him to tell me why he was leaving. I sat on that second stair of the top while he stood below me, asking me to tell him to leave... I couldn’t. Telling him to leave was like telling myself to drown at that moment. How in such a short period of time could one person make me feel all this in a second. I didn’t grasp how we went from one moment of bliss, to.... hell. I’m still processing through this part, and it wasn’t until last night that it all made sense to me. James expressed so many times that he didn’t want to leave, but what we had was enticing his addictive nature, which could push him to relapse. And the only way to stop that, was to stop being with me. And I felt like I was so unhealthy for him at that point, no matter what he said. But it wasnt me, it was what we had. And there was no going back from that, you can’t just build up a relationship and then change it expecting it to change with you. So, you have to end it...  Which is still hard on me, because I care deeply about him. And because I care deeply for him; I’ve started to let him distance from me.

I wrote him one final text last night expressing every little emotion I had for him, and apologizing for throwing his stuff out, which I regret so much now because I dont have an inch of his love in my house... just my bed still smells like him. I can’t count how many times I’ve thought about him in a day, or how I’m still picking pieces of our relationship apart to find solutions or how BADLY I fight with myself to text him, begging him to text me back. Even after we broke up, he still wanted to come take care of me... I invited a random guy over to poke at him when we broke up, and he still came over to calm the pain in my heart once the guy left. Who does that? Not only do I know that what we have was unhealthy for him, but by the way I acted when he hurt me, was how I knew I was unhealthy for not just him... but those around me.

Moral to this story, even though its not fully finished but this is as much as I want to dive into it today is that... people are lessons. And James was the one who left pain in my soul, and that pain finally opened my eyes to how dangerous I am to people, how much pain I actually feel. I’m so for healing those around me, and saving those who need it. But... I forgot about me. I forgot that I need those things too, from myself. As of right now, I havent texted him; I’ve kept my word to let him distance, and I think he’s finally removed me from snap chat so he wont look at my stories and have the craving to return. 

As for me, well... this whole thing has made me realize that I need time to really heal and figure out me. I’ve been in and out of things in life, that I don’t think I’ve ever slowed down long enough to process what it is I’ve gone through. 

Do I love James? I think I loved the idea of being with him, and the feelings he gave me.

Do I care about him? Yes, and because of that, I don’t want to get in the way of his recovery.

Do I hope we can ever become something? At this point I think it’s healthy to say that everyone hopes they can get back with the person who just left them . I do hope we can talk one day, i miss our conversations. 

What’s next? Well, work today... I’m  dreading the day we have to run into each other at work, but that day will come and when it does, I’m going to embrace it and push through. 

I think thats enough for right now. 

[wounded--dog]

doubts

hey so i know this is gonna be a weird shift from cryptic messages with censored names and such but i kinda need to talk about this somewhere. i dont even know if thisll be posted instead of just sitting in my drafts - ill decide that once its written.

i identify as nonbinary masc, which is great and fine and dandy and i know that i feel a lot better about how i look when my chest is flat and i love when i pass as masc in public and ‘he/him’ definitely sounds better to me than ‘she/her’. but sometimes i legit just feel like im faking it and that ive just convinced myself that its a thing that i like and want. like, a massive reason for this is that i am physically repulsed by dicks. ive recently been watching videos about packers because im interested but some of the more realistic ones trigger some feeling of ‘gross get it away from me’.

i mean that might be because at one point when i was maybe 13, someone posted my kik username on some website and asked people to send dick pics to it. i ended up with tens of messages from men containing images of dicks and it got so bad that i was sent into a panic attack at 3am. that counts as trauma, right? its the reason i give for the fact that i cant look at them.

i hate it, i do, and it makes things way too confusing. it forces me into doubt and idk who to talk to about this because i almost dont want someone to confirm my fears and tell me im cis after all. i dont think i am, but i also dont know what i am. this feels like something i could go over and over with someone and still not find an answer but thats probably wrong and idk guys im so tired.

if you can figure out who i am by this post then congrats im not sure i care anymore anyway.

[thegarden]

sometimes i think maybe i just have too little self esteem to ever experience mania? idk maybe i’m wildly confused about what a manic episode looks like but all those tests and shit say that like grandiose behavior is a criteria and like....idk friends i just have all this energy and know i should sleep but still don’t and can’t handle social media or netflix anymore but still keep using them and wanna buy shit but don’t have money and can’t stop moving and have a headache but won’t eat despite having a grand total of chocolate chips, ice water, and cheese to eat today and i keep impulsively texting ppl even tho they are all asleep and won’t answer and then tomorrow i’ll hate myself for being the person who texts at 3am like “are you awake” and idk what else what else oh yeah i know i should take my meds bc i forgot them yesterday (or was it the day before? who knows bc i’m in a “forgets time is passing” sorta feel) and remember when you were in the shower two days ago and you realized this isn’t the person you want to be?? and you thought about how you could actually just say fuck it and become the kind of person who you could actually like being and the kind of girl who deserves all these stupid people you keep falling in love with and the kind of human who has their shit together and doesn’t just let people down over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and i’ve typed this twenty fucking times and still cant get into a pattern of muscle memory where i don’t forget the space between “and” and “over” also i just remembered i had a dream last night and i was swimming and happy and idk i was talking to this guy who was doing a weird “bachelor” type dating game to like figure out which ordinary human girl wasn’t a fake bitch trying to date him only bc he was famous but idk he was nice and i wish the dream hadn’t ended honestly i wish i could live in my dreams even my nightmares where my mom is awful again and doesn’t love me as much as she says she does and i know she actually does care because how else would i have inherited a fucking genetic code for this much goddamn emotion like i feel everything and i hate it i hate it i hate  it i hate  it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it hate it i hate it why why am i this way why do i feel so goddamn much and why do i have to be this way when nobody wants someone who is this fucked up because they can’t stop feeling nobody wants me nobody really wants me and if someone does then i haven’t met them because everything just always hurts me in the end and i always end up sweating and covered in tears and alone and wondering why i’m not good enough for the people i care about why is it whenever i get to experience enjoyable things it’s always just a lie it’s a fucking lie it’s a one night thing i’m someone else’s fucking experiment and i can’t even be mad bc i let people treat me like this i can’t fucking stand up for myself and have some goddamn boundaries bc maybe if i let them hurt me maybe if i let people do whatever maybe if i let them kiss me and get me drunk and fuck me over i can pretend that it’s their fault for how i feel when it’s really just me it’s me i’m broken why am i so broken i finally set up an appointment with a therapist after failing to call for months and it’s a fucking re-intake so it won’t help and it’s not until next tuesday so i probably will be back to deluding myself that i’m fine by then but i’m not i’m not fine i don’t know if i’ll ever be fine and i don’t know how to be a normal human and i miss my friends even tho i have already texted one of them all goddamn day and seen one last weekend and one the other night (even tho it sucked i hated yesterday night bc i’m a shitty human and a shitty roommate and it would have been better for everyone if i just wasn’t there bc apparently i even suck at basic cohabitation) fuck i’m hyperventilating which makes it hard to type but honestly why can’t i have a fucking panic attack or something or a fucking heart attack why can’t i fucking die my lips are tingling and i don’t know why what is this feeling it feels like silent screams i don’t even know it feels like i just want someone to hug me and let me fall asleep in their arms so i don’t wake up feeling numb and alone like i always do i wake up from dreams and wish i could feel the type of happiness that only seems to be momentary in those few seconds where i convince myself i haven’t completely irredeemably fucked up our friendship bc i feel like i have i feel like i fuck everything up i should just drop out of school or fucking i don’t know walk into a street or just see how long i can lay in bed and do nothing bc if i tried hard enough i don’t think it would matter who tried to intervene if i could just admit that i don’t deserve anything and i don’t deserve anyone or happiness or kisses or wondering or all the what ifs i make up in my mind i don’t deserve to ask you why if it was just trying to get a reaction out of people did you kiss me in a fucking elevator and if you were worried about me why do you think showing up at 9pm and waking me up with fingers through my hair and making me drink with you because let’s be fucking real i don’t know if i’m capable of saying no to you bc i have no self preservation and i’m just so greedy i want whatever i can get even though i know it doesn’t mean anything and i don’t know if those are tears or sweat dripping off my cheeks right now because whatever i’m feeling right now is like a nightmare that wakes you up in a hot sweat it is violent it’s more violent than any blade i ever put against my own skin and i don’t know if i’m just blaming you because it’s convenient bc this is not your fault at all i can’t blame someone for not having as many fucked up fucking emotions about people as i do and i can’t blame you for being gay except when you’re not except when you’re making out with me or with one of my only friends here who isn’t complicated why did you have to pick maddy to be the one you joke about dating why do you have to pick the one person who is mine she’s my person to call she’s the person who said i could call her after i sat on that fucking bench two years ago wishing i had someone to call because i felt awful and i was 2451 fucking miles from home and everything familiar and my world felt like it was crumbling and we had made lunch plans and she told me to talk to dean L bc dean L is like everyone’s yale mom without being too involved why do you kiss her drunkenly and why do i have this ugly feeling of jealousy inside me even though i know she isn’t interested in you even though you act like you’re actually fucking in love with her and whenever i see you guys together i have to hate you so i don’t let all my own ugly feelings explode on her when she didn’t do anything other than be there for me she’s always fucking there when i need someone and she sends people to let me in fucking redlit doors when i’ve cut my own wrists open in the middle of a courtyard because i let my roommate take out their own issues on me and i laid down like a fucking doormat while they did it and you know what 

you’re totally right. i know you say it jokingly but i am so fucking weak. i’m so weak. you say that like it’s not true or like you’re just talking about an immune system or idk maybe you are talking completely seriously because sometimes i think my best friend is actually right and that i shouldn’t forgive you for turning my own fucking brain and its inability to be rational and produce serotonin like a normal 3 pound meat slab piloting an even bigger meat slab should because i know i’ve definitely felt less than that moment but wow it’s definitely top three when the gay guy you’re in love with because maybe that was just another violence i could inflict on myself maybe falling in love is just another way i self harm and honestly the most effective way because you’re not the only person i’ve ever felt too much for and it’s left me damaged every time of course that’s assuming i was ever not damaged in the first place lmao what a thought i’m pretty sure i was born broken but back to the point i hate when i realize that he’s right and i can’t even disagree like what kind of friend thinks that threatening to get me expelled or forced into a leave of absence bc of my mental illness is okay what human person with an actual fucking soul looks at someone who can barely keep their guts inside their body who fucking spews emotions at strangers in the street because they hurt so much inside and when they don’t hurt it’s because they’re numb and not in a painless way but in that “not wanting to exist doesn’t sound that horrible like ‘at least your not suicidal’ you think to yourself while knowing deep down it’s actually a horrible awful violent life altering way to feel” something you never really recover from type of numbness and i don’t know how i don’t even have the capacity to hate you for taking the one thing i hate most about myself the one thing i can’t change about myself even though i’m going to spend the rest of my goddamn life trying (and even if i fail it’ll still be the rest of my life lmao) how did you ever think it was okay to say that to me how how how how on earth i know you had good intentions but dammit do you ever actually think before you say shit like that do you think about what it feels like to be going crazy inside your own head while completely aware and unable to stop yourself like you don’t you don’t fucking know what it feels like to be sinking into a pit of self hatred and knowing that you could just take a goddamn pill every day like you’re supposed to and keep a routine and socialize and do meaningful work and it would mostly be okay but for some reason you get halfway there halfway to okay and things fucking explode all over again and it’s square one and it’s not that easy it’s simple but it’s not that easy it’s not easy to have to depend on a pill to keep you from replaying the first time you looked at your mom’s kitchen knives and thinking that you should really be in a different room than them because you’re wondering what it would be like to feel them split the skin on your wrists and your arms and your throat but not your thighs because they hurt just thinking about knives and what is point if no one can see what is the point if nobody fucking notices that you’re in pain i just want someone to acknowledge that i’m hurting this hurts i can’t live my life without it constantly hurting it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and it hurts and i just wish someone would realize that i wish you would realize and hold me like it’s not an obligation of friendship and kiss me not on the lips and not while we are both drunk but kiss my forehead and stroke my hair and remind me that it’s gonna be okay tomorrow because sometimes that’s too much to imagine and i think the only time i’ve ever felt safe from myself was when you are next to me on a couch and not being weird about me being within 3 inches of you because I can’t read you on a lot of things but I can always tell when someone doesn’t want to touch me or be near or see me or be in a room with me trust me as someone who’s been fat as fuck their entire life I know what that repulsion of I Don’t Want to Touch This Girl Her Existing This Close to Me Makes Me Uncomfortable feels like I can smell it on people I can read it in the way you never reciprocate when you’re sober the way you treat hurting me in small ways like a game and I get it I really do because I spent so much of my life reveling in the little ways I could make someone flinch just by pushing the right button or phrasing something in the right way or pretending to know more about that thing that makes them obviously uncomfortable the things people hate about themselves and I reveled in it I used to be so goddamn expert at manipulation and you think I didn’t realize that you were manipulating me? I always knew and I let you do it even though I kept getting hurt and wasting time wondering about shit wondering if today was the day you would actually take this world and education and the only place I’ve ever been allowed to be myself completely away just because you didn’t know what to do when a girl comes to you with cuts on her wrists bitch you just gotta fucking care just fucking wrap me in a hug and tell me not to do it again and tell me that it’s not stupid when I thought about texting you before instead of cutting or walking into a street without looking or running full speed into a cement wall at midnight because maybe that would help you’re supposed to say that “even if i don’t respond right away you can still text me and say you’re having a shit night and then cry yourself to sleep waiting for a reply that won’t come instead of hurting yourself” you don’t even have to say that though you literally could have just actually touched me i just want someone to touch me i just want to feel like i’m not as disgusting as everything i’ve ever done wrong not as disgusting as i’m supposed to feel in a body this big not as disgusting as every horrible thing i’ve ever said to make someone else hurt 

i just want to know...was it to fuck with me? was it to see how i’d react? do you even remember doing it? what do you actually fucking want from me?? because I accepted that you’re gay and not interested and I tried....I tried so hard to just leave it at that but...i can handle you still holding my hand and shit bc that’s your sense of humor. i can handle that you’re gay except when you’re drunk. i can handle that i don’t have a dick so it’s a no go and that i’m not even attractive if you did like girls and i can handle you saying no and letting time pass and letting the part of me that cares too much about you shrink until we can be friends again. that was all fine. what i can’t do is the inconsistency. i can’t do the gaslighting not even with words but with behavior. because one day you’re gay and not interested and the next you’re making out with me bc whatever and apparently you’re bi and not interested in me but interested in what fucking a girl would be like but then the next day you’re telling ppl you’re actually straight and there isn’t much to contradict the point bc first you kissed maddy and then you kissed natalie bc apparently if i even marginally enjoy hanging out with someone who is female it puts a target on them or maybe it’s just anyone i have any single feeling for no matter in what capacity bc i thought arty was cute for like 2 days once and then the next week i find out yall fucked and idk if i’m more annoyed by your shitty taste in bed partners (seriously you’re gonna go from mr. control freak to arty???) or the fact that it wasn’t even enjoyable but anyway i digress back to your supposed straightness bc i guess what i’m trying to say is i’m just sick of guessing here. i’m sick of guessing whether you’re gonna kiss me again or whether you’re actually bi or whether you’re just repressing yourself bc being gay and religious sucks or if this is all just a fucking game to you. i like to think there is always a bit of honesty in what people do while drunk off their asses but sometimes i wonder if that applies to you because it’s honestly hard to tell what is honest about you when you aren’t drunk so fuck that 

idk i probably just need to take my meds and i’ll probably regret saying any of this in the morning if i can even bring myself to hit the post button because i think i blame you too much when i’m trying to work out my own problems and honestly you’re not a bad person you’re just you and tbh you’re my friend no matter what because i may be a basket case but i’m loyal if nothing else like you could literally shoot me in the fucking stomach and i’d still be like “yeah we’re friends you need anything bro” but like idk i keep thinking and trying to work my shit out and i know there is a lot of work i need to do on myself but i just keep coming around to one thing after i get through all the stuff that’s completely on me i finally get around to the stuff i can’t answer on my own or blame myself completely for and there is always this one nagging thing left ever since two weeks ago

why did you kiss me in the elevator? 

okay maybe two things...because there is the whole why kiss me in an elevator when no one is there to react and we are dangerously close to your room and it’s already been like an hour since either of us drank anything but there is also the question of why did i like it so much