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miumiucowboy · 4 months

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how i ruined my perception and idea of love

this is going to be pretty hard for me to write, and please bare with any grammatical errors etc as i am writing this just as the thoughts enter my head. maybe a video would be better but its almost 3AM and I have to be quiet. here is some context, im 18 years old, cis male and gay. all of my school life i was either bullied or made to feel uncomfortable in my sexuality, and this established a strong disconnect, especially in later years of high school, between the other guys and me. whilst i have female friends, its almost hard for me to feel like i fit in in either of this realms. besides my best friend who i would give the entire world too. i think its kind of important to note too that my father is, to be frank, emotionally unavailable, and my mother who has passed an array of her own problems onto myself, and she is emotionally manipulative and unstable, screaming and me, abuse to next second non-stop affection and love. btw, in no means is this me being like 'omg im so abused and mentally ill and no one wants me' like that victim complex stuff annoys me so bad, im just trying to figure out some emotions, but yeah i feel like that is important context. around my eighteenth birthday last year, I began seeking fulfilment off older men from the forbidden app (none of my friends even know about this) as a way to kinda fill a void of affection within me. ultimately this has totally destroyed my perception and idea of being loved. i'm currently talking to the cutest boy from brazil, and he is the first boy who I have ever genuinely been interested in getting to know on a deep level, ive never felt this way about anyone before so im trying to sort myself out for his sake and also because I really really really want this to work. i want to be loved so bad. i constantly crave validation from him, otherwise I feel as if he is loosing interest and for that I blame my mother - constantly trying to work around her unstable emotions, to stay in her 'good books' otherwise hell would rise. this is one of the biggest regrets in my life so far, is always catering to the what she would want. its always at the forefront of my mind and I feel as if she controls me in that regard. i also become way way way too attached to people who show me the smallest amount of attention just because I really am so lonely. im currently at university and this is a whole other thing but the loneliness is insane, especially when you see friends doing so well socially, and of course im happy for them its just hard because I feel like my teenage dream and expectations vs what I have done are so far apart from each other and I feel like im wasting my youth away. im also scared that i am unable to associate love and sexual desires with one another, and im scared that this is going to happen with this new guy. my entire mindset around love is ruined. idk what to do this isn't even all I wanted to say but its actually so hard for me atm so im going to stop here. i just hope that this works out between me and davi I really really really pray that it does

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