#idk if it’s Covid or what but my anxiety has been off the shits lately and it’s a little hard to function

[deadwooddross]

Spiderverse review: Had a panic attack the entire movie and only missed the last Minute bc I thought it was the middle (but I still got the gist), 10 stars

I’m gonna have to watch it again at some point bc it was a little hard to focus but boy let me tell you, I could really relate to those tingly aberration effects!! My SPIDEY SENSES!!

[chilewithcarnage]

hi,

first off, you are awesome and i love following you. amazing taste and an absolute great person all around. want and hope better things for you and your family bc y'all deserve!

i think the past few weeks, but moreso lately, this site is just the blog version of a03 where it centers white gay (maybe lesbian?) fandom weirdos who are freaks for all the wrong reasons.

like i don't remember the circumstance of karp(?) leaving and who was the owner before the current trash rn, but at the very least even if this site was predominately white, i can still find corners of black or other poc blogger's content to enjoy and it's getting harder to do that!!

also bc i'm isolated, i'm obvs horny, but now nsfw blogs are being nuked even though there's an existing mature content filter so like what's the post (besides attacking trans women rmfe). like it feels like the acceptable freaky things are like fucking i*cest, i just want to see black women make out and twerk jfc

(also on larger scale there's an uptick of ~faux~ i*cest p0rn i.e step family shit and like whyyyyyy????) i just want hot women (of color) being all over each other is getting harder to find or filter through or isn't behind a paywall :((

i'm just a wall of anxiety and dread bc of everything going on w/ the genocides, covid denial, yt ppl in general, and this staff so idk where to turn with this anger and frustration

sorry to vent but i don't have anyone to talk to. ilu and wishing your sis a safe work trip and that she gets to have a couple days to enjoy herself at least

hey friend, starting off thank you so much for the kind words and well wishes my sis did manage to have safe trip she's been back for about a week now. now I get where you're coming from completely and I don't mind being a listening ear for you, I'm honestly sorry that took so long for me to respond to you. It is in fact frustrating the way that tides have turned in terms of the culture and populace of tumblr and how it's run and who's running it. I've been on here for 11 years and idk if I can say the current wave of things is the lower point this site has ever been at but it's pretty damn close. I was so confident that yahoo wouldn't have ended up bagging this place but look where we're at now, missing 75% of our original user base, 💖💙🤍💙💖♀️ getting deleted left and right. it's a shit show indeed. don't even get me started on the lack of black and brown oriented nsfw content and the rise of the proshit ppl.

[eledhrim]

based on having only had mental breakdowns since starting uni idk what the hell people were talking about when they said uni was the best time of their life

[dailycupofcreativitea]

Total TMI word dump of super personal shit 👀 trauma dump ahead because I'm unhinged and putting everything on the internet

Lately I've been feeling really sad/listless/depressed and I have no idea why. I'm sort of randomly crying at random things, I'm feeling really empty for some reason, but I have no obvious triggers. I kept trying to think about what triggered me and I have no idea.

Today I had a therapy session that was pretty heavy and I figured out why I've been upset!! Give a round of applause for cptsd/trauma coming up in my body 🙃

Around this time of year, during the fall to winter transition, when I was 12, my dad and my sister (who both had different kinds of cancer) deteriorated so we were in and out of hospitals, and then end of December my dad died, and a week later my sister died. So it was a heavy time for the family, except I had little to no emotional connection with any one in my family, including my dad and my sister. In fact, I had a huge fight with both of them (separately, different times, unrelated reasons) at the beginning of when their health started getting really bad, so little me felt nothing when they were dying...at least I think. I even giggled when I found out while we were in the hospital that my dad died, and I think the giggling was due to nerves I think? Relief it was over? Anxiety? Idk, but I was sent to sit alone in the car cause my mom was embarrassed I was giggling.

I guess I was a quiet kid so I was left in the house alone with my few month old baby sister while my family was at the hospital. I don't even remember how I fed myself...TV dinners I think. Apparently our door was just left wide open (literally open, not just unlocked) and people would come to drop off food, but I don't remember this (I was told this).

I have covid now, and can't do groceries, and my sister has been out every day and hasn't had time to do groceries, so it's like it's mimicking that time period. Fall is coming, weather is getting colder, I'm home alone all day waiting for something (idk what, but also waiting to be covid negative), we have no groceries in the house, it's quiet, quiet, quiet and I feel empty inside. I think my body is just remembering what it was like to be that kid during that time.

I just have to ride out the feelings...distractions will only delay the inevitable, I just have to feel them.

I'm thinking of maybe drawing out memories and putting them in a separate blog, but we'll see.

[wkemeup]

my mom's a therapist, and as a result I've grown up with stories of clients that got mad at her for being human; needing to reschedule appointments because she was sick, telling clients that they weren't a good fit and referring them to some other clinicians she knew, etc. it was a client, after all, that gave her covid back in December which consequently infected our whole family. throughout it all, though, my mother has stayed so kind and selfless in the face of most battles, and I'll never stop admiring her for that.

I think being a therapist is one of the bravest careers someone can choose, because I know that, at least for me, listening to other people talk about their ups and downs will just send me spiraling about my own. I took three years of psychology classes, and I loved the courses, but I don't think I'd ever be able to get myself into a psychology practice. I'm so amazed and in awe of you and everyone else that is pursuing that field. my heart is with you

(I want to first make it clear that I am in no way referencing the previous anon who talked about their therapist being out for a month and getting injured. I absolutely understand how difficult it is on clients when the therapist has to cancel or is out of the office - especially when you're going through something and really need them. This is a whole separate thing here, so if that anon sees this please know you're absolutely ok!!)

I completely identify with your mom on that. I have had multiple clients get very upset with me for days I've had to call out sick and their appts were rescheduled, or even when I go on vacation for a week and aren't able to see them at our usual interval. Trust me that I understand the magnitude of mental health and what this job requires, but I think it can be so easy for people to forget that I'm human, too. I get sick. I need time off. I have a whole world of my own shit I'm dealing with too.

and I know that the whole point of therapy is that the patient shouldn't carry the burden of knowing my own shit, but (speaking from my own experience with my clients) I wish sometimes there could be an understanding that I am not immune to the world either and my existence doesn't cater 100% to you. I cant tell if I'm sounding too harsh, and honestly this is about to turn into my personal vent about this and struggling with my job because I really need it right now, so feel free to tune me out and disregard.

I obviously want to help people. Im in this job for a reason. But sometimes it makes me wonder if I'm cut out for it at all because my own mental health has really suffered in the last year and even before that in episodes before I was officially a therapist. I have clients who will say stuff like "you could never understand how this actually feels" but like, I've been depressed. I struggle with anxiety. I have had significant issues with food and my weight. But I am often treated like I am a machine at disposal - required to be available 100% of the time to each individual client, despite the fact I have 70 people on my caseload.

There is never going to be a moment where I snap my fingers and make things better for my clients. Your mental health is still your own responsibility. My job is to help you navigate it, learn how to manage it, and make it smaller and smaller until it doesn't carry the same weight it used to. But I can't fix you. You have to actually do the work and it is so much work but so many of my patients can't see that so they expect me to have all the answers and make them better and I can't. That's the secret with therapy. You fix yourself. You help yourself. Im just there to guide you and help process shit along the way.

but anyway.

sorry idk how I got here but I've obvs been feeling very dehumanized at my job lately. You wouldn't believe the amount of times I sit there and nod casually as a client rants at me about how I'm bad at my job and they're not getting better nevermind the fact that they aren't actually willing to do the skills I'm trying to teach them. So many of them rely too much on medication or just blame me instead.

I'm so burnt out and I'm only 3 years into this job officially and I wonder a lot if my own mental health is going to be what takes this job from me one day. Idk. hell maybe it makes me a bad person for even complaining about this.

I should also say that I have tons of great clients who are very understanding and ask kindly about how my time off was and work really hard in therapy and are doing so well. The tough stuff just obviously weighs a little more.

It's scary to have someone put so much onto you, you know? So many of my clients treat me like I am the only thing keeping them together and honestly for a lot of them, I'm sure they really do mean that. It can just be heavy on me. Sinking, really.

Im not expecting anyone to still be reading by now because somehow this turned into a public diary post lol but if you are, thank you for listening. This is your reminder that therapists have big feelings too and struggle and should probably also see a therapist themselves lol.

anyway.

[blackcoffeeandblankpagess]

Helloooooo internet

I’ve been pretty MIA on here the past month and honestly I’m not totally sure what gives

I think it’s a combo of being busy and feeling bleh and also feeling like there are too many social media apps vying for my attention and honestly not really wanting to give it to any of them

But also I feel like this space is my little photo journal shout to the void so...idk!

Anyway, enjoy some photos from jared’s visit last week + some random thoughts:

-the fires marked kind of a weird turning point in my brain, up until then I had been feeling REALLY good but they totally knocked me out of my rhythm and I’ve been having a hard time getting back into it, my anxiety has gotten pretty bad and I’ve let school totally overtake my brain which I was worried would happen. My OCD makes it very difficult for me to draw the line and say ok that’s enough work for today. Ironically I was listening to a Q&A epsiode of the growth equation podcast today and I had paused to call jared and talk about my stress over feeling the need to always be working and when i turned the podcast back on the next question was LITERALLY how to stop working when you could always be doing more and I was like ...universe?? is that you??

-I’ve been feeling really excited about running lately. I had to take 12 days off because of the fires (see: unbreatheable air) and I slowly built back up my mileage to ~30 mpw this past week. I want to hangout in this range for a little bit because I know I am not doing a good job of taking care of myself nutrition wise and I need to sort that out before upping it anymore

-BUT ALSO, idk if I mentioned this but last month I got my period which had been missing since about the time all hell broke loose in the US with covid. I was totally shocked but so happy and I’m trying my best to keep it around. Based on what I know I’m guessing its absence was largely stress related

-We got back our first major legal writing assignment last week. Before giving it back our prof made a big deal over not getting too upset over our grades because the first assignment in law school can be a doozy etc. etc. basically she made it sound like we were all totally f*ked...and guys, I got the highest grade in the class!!! I am so proud of myself because I worked really hard on it and honestly I really love that professor and have a good connection with her and it felt really good to prove my ability (also it was anonymously graded so that made me feel even more confident)

-I can’t believe it’s october. I have my flights booked to charlotte for thanksgiving with jared’s family and I am so excited. It’s going to be here so soon. I miss them so much.

-Law school is really challenging. It’s not that the material is crazy hard it’s just so dense and so much work. I waver every day between this is my calling! And holy shit wtf am I doing here. But I think that’s normal. And I’m learning so much.

-On a totally random note, I started watching Schitt’s Creek in March and thought it was funny but didn’t get super into it but had heard nothing but good things from other people so I picked back up on it a few weeks ago as a relaxing show to watch before bed and now I only have 1.5 seasons left and I love it and look forward to watching it so much. It’s such an interesting show because I think the reason people love it is for the character development but I also think that’s why initially I had such a hard time getting into it because I was like these people suck! But it’s v good.

Okay that is all ily all 🤍

[inkykeiji]

Clari my love I hope you are well 💖

How are you? What have you been up to? I am doing ok right now, I got my first covid vaccination earlier this week which is very exciting - it made me super tired for like a full day tho but I’m just happy to be able to get it <3

Ooo you mentioned dyeing your hair blonde again which I am fully in support for since I’ve been highlighting my hair blonde for like 4 years now - every time before I get it dyed again I say to myself ‘no I’ll grow out my natural hair colour blah blah blah’ and then I have no self restraint and I just dye it again - your hair does sound like it is a super pretty colour tho, I don’t know anyone with strawberry blonde hair but if you wanna re-dye it go for it but also it depends on like the upkeep of hair dyeing

Also I rewatched midsommar and enjoyed it more than I did the first time I watched it and now it is a fave - I watched hereditary when it came out and it scared the shit out of me but I did also enjoy it

Also also Måneskin songs hmmm they have a few songs in English and then obvs some in Italian, I would say my fave in English is For Your Love and one of my faves in Italian (since I love a lot of them) is Lividi Sui Gomiti - if you don’t like them I won’t be offended but I thought you should check them out

I hope your mosquito bite reaction has gotten better, that sounds so shit and painful I’m sorry that you’re dealing with that - I’m v lucky that I am allergic to nothing really so grateful for that

oH I was also gonna ask since I trust your film judgement and taste on reccomendations on films to watch or shows that you enjoy - I’m in a real slump with films and shows atm my brain just does not want to cooperate <3

Anyway I really hope you are well and taking care of yourself, have you got any plans or anything soon? I do also hope you’ve had a good day, as always I’m sending you all my love and hugs <333- 🍯 oh also I was going to say that you don’t have to worry about how long you take to respond, my anons are usually long so I totally get taking longer to get back to them, there is totally no pressure whatsoever to respond in a certain time frame I just wanted to emphasise that anyways I will actually finish typing this now

hello honeybun <333

tw: bit of a vent below the cut, mentions of death

so i know you know what happened last week, because you sent your condolences and all that (thank you again for that, by the way <3 i sincerely appreciate it <3) but on top of our family friend’s tragic passing, life has just been so, so rough lately—with my mental illness and my family in particular. i’d assume that the illness stuff was most likely triggered by the death, which makes sense, but i am so exhausted and so tired of fighting with my own fucking mind it’s unbelievable. and then, yesterday, i witnessed some things i really wish i could’ve stayed ignorant to, and it’s just really fucked me up too. my heart hasn’t stopped pounding all day. BUT, if we’re looking on the bright side (or trying to) the incident yesterday was a very sobering (lmao) slap to the face and a much needed wake up call for me to get a damn move on with getting the hell out of this environment. so that’s propelled me forward and motivated me to really get down to work (it’s just pushing myself to work through the anxiety and illness that’s difficult now haha but i am doing it!!).

EDIT: i had a nice long talk with two of the three most important people in my life (and in this situation in particular, too!) and i’m feeling a little better now <3

yes!!! i’ve actually changed my mind now LMAO because i’d like to use that money towards leaving. my roots have grown out past my chin, so when they get a little longer i will be forced to (very sadly :c) chop all of the dyed hair off. i haven’t had my natural colour in a LONG time, so this is kind of odd haha. originally i was going to redye it pink!! but the upkeep is an absolute nightmare and i just can’t right now lmao. yeah idk!! it’s a really odd colour, my natural hair, but it might be refreshing to be back to it again after so many years, i dunno!!!

YAAAY i’m so glad to hear that!!!!! it’s such an incredible film i could literally go on about it forever aaaaah hehehe and HEREDITARY IS FUCKING TERRIFYING LIKE i cannot watch that movie on my own truly i can’t. it’s so unsettling in such a fun way!!!

i haven’t listened to them yet, but i will soon, pinky promise!! i just saw someone else talking about them too and i was like oh hey it’s that band honey anon told me about LMAO

my mosquito bite has healed, thankfully!!! it’s just a bruise on my ankle now hehe but the ickiest parts are over <3 OOOH films okay so! someone asked a similar question and i am going to link you to my answer (which has more links) right here, but if you’ve ever got any more specific recs that you’re looking for (genre, era etc) pls let me know!!!! i love discussing film hehehe <3

no plans as of yet; i have a lot of SUPER exciting things in the works and two of them are like !!!!!!! thiiiiis close to being ready and i cannot wait to share them with you all!! i love you so much honey, truly and sincerely, thank you for being here for me, for sending me such thoughtful messages and just for talking to me in general. it all means so much to me <3 i hope you are taking care of yourself my sweet friend!!!

[sad-boy-mono]

Character and Relationship Backstory and an update from me

Hey y'all! I have an update on where I've been at the end of this post for those of y'all who have been following Highschool Casualties and are wondering where I went, but if you've just stumbled across this I don't want to throw a long and random explination at ya!

Haven’t read the main story yet?

Heres the Tumblr Masterpost and the Ao3 link!

The characters

Damien Haas

16, sophomore in high school. Hardcore musical theater kid from grades 4-8. Loves to sing and shit. Got quite a few bigger roles early on. Things got busy freshman year, so he had to put things on hold.

(Favorite musical is probably falsettos or something idk I'm not a theater kid.)

(That's a lie, I'm just a bad theater kid XP)

Fucking loves superhero movies and shit because haha irony.

Favorite class is Drama, least favorite is math. Because math is hard and temporary but Shakespeare is forever.

Has an irrational fear of doctors, dentists, and needles due to some surgical mishaps that occurred when he was young. Also has a fear of the ocean.

Deals with anxiety and frequent panic attacks.

Shayne Topp

15, sophomore in high school. Really fucking loves football, but not on the team. He wanted to be, but he use to be friends with some of the people on the football team. And they... weren't the best to say the least. They were bad influences and caused Shayne to do bad things. He's no longer friends with them, but still goes to the games with Courtney and Damien to cheer on Courtny's brothers who are on the team.

Favorite class is probably woodworking, least favorite is math. Because math is hard and temporary but birdhouses are forever.

(Though he's actually really good at math, like he has the capability to take honors and do well. It just isn't fun.)

Doesn't know how to ride a bike and can't swim. Deep water freaks him out.

Has a huge fear of hurting other (because haha irony) and always puts his friends before himself.

Courtney Miller

14, freshman in high school. Loves writing and art. Has a lot of sketchbooks, but most of them are half filled. At this point she just collects cool sketchbooks.

Also love film/acting/drama but has a lot of anxiety around performing, so she ends up being on her school's tech crew. She's really good at editing, and has a passion for behind the scenes work around productions.

Favorite musical is Heathers.

Favorite class is her painting and art history class, least favorite is math. Because math is hard and temporary but art is forever.

Struggls a lot with school. Doesn't have many friends outside of Shayne and Damien, even when it comes to her tech crew. Generally on bad terms with "friends" (bullies) from middle school.

Doesn't enjoy the other people in her class. A few of them are former (or current) bullies from middle school.

Relationships

Damien and Shayne

Met in the first grade, became friends in a very first-grader-like manner.

Shayne: Hey I like your pokemon shirt

Damien: Oh thanks, you wanna play with trucks?

Shayne: Yeah sure.

They’ve been best friends ever since.

They had a bit of a falling out from mid 7th through 8th grade because of the guys Shayne hung out with. They were your average middle school douchbags but a lil worse.

Things got sorted the summer following 8th grade.

When they started high school, Shayne’s older brother would pick Damien up and give him a ride to school every morning; even though Damien was in walking distance.

But a month-ish before their freshman year, Shayne’s family ended up moving closer to Damien’s, because a tree fell through Shayne’s house during a terrible storm that hit their town. Even though it hypothetically could've been fixed, the house was old so they took it as a sign to just move.

Shayne is the only person who knows about Damien's anxiety outside of his family, and is who Damien goes to when he's having heighted anxiety or a panic attack.

They also bond over their fear of water strangly often.

Shayne and Courtney

Courtney’s family moved across the street from Shayne’s family when Courtney was in the 7th grade and Shayne was in the 8th. And after the initial family intoductions when the Millers first moved in, Shayne never talked to Courtney. Until about a month later, when he was home alone and Courtney knocked at his door.

After Shayne asked 'what's up?' Courtney asked if they could be friends.

“Do you know how to play smash?” Shayne asked.

Courtney sighed and let out a defeated ‘no’ and began walking away from the door.

“Ok, I’m gonna teach you how to play.”

They would hang out quite a bit until Shayne moved, but they still talked a lot.

Shayne later found out that Courtney would go door to door asking for friends. Shayne was the first and only person who had actually said yes.

Most people mistake them for siblings and when they find out they aren’t related, they assume they’re dating.

Shayne treats Courtney like a little sister and is very protective of her.

Shayne was fucking LIVID when he found out Courtney was being bullied. As much as he wanted to fight them, Courtney talked him down from doing so.

He still did the whole 'don't fuck with Courtney or I will fucking kill you' big brother thing. It did the trick for a while. When you're a very athletic 15 year old, it's easy to intimidate people that are younger than you.

Courtney hasn't told him about... the current bullies though.

Courtney and Damien

Met through Shayne. He made a group chat with the 3 of them that Shayne named “Operation Friendship”. Since Shayne and Damien weren't on speaking terms when Shayne and Courtney became friends they never had a chance to meet.

But they didn’t meet in person until Courtney’s first day of high school, where the 3 of them had their first class together, conveniently...

Anytime they play video games, a conversation along this happens.

"Courtney where did you learn to play this game?"

"...Shayne"

"Explains why you suck"

"HEY!"

(Shayne) "HEY!"

------

Hey! Thank you so much for reading! It's been awhile hasn't it. Yeah, I'm sorry. My life has been all over the place for the past few months and I've been struggling to find the motivation to write. I don't want to specifics because it's not only very personal, but a long story.

But to summerize why I sorta dissapeared, I had a lot of personal issues going on with both school and home and as my mental health was on this steady, but consistent, decline, it was at its very lowest in December. My home issues had reached their peak, and with the end of the quarter coming up after Xmas break and my weeks worth of late work coming back to bite me, I was too stressed to work on anything I found enjoyable without losing motivation immidiently.

Things didn't start getting better for me until some time early in semester 2 of my year. My school was transitioning back into fully in person with covid rates at their lowest in my area and things were finally feeling consistant again, but I was still getting my bearings. School still felt draining, though much less than before, and I didn't have much energy to work on things I was passionate about. I don't think I even made a new document for chapter 6 until mid-ish March.

I'm very nervious about coming back to this story after so long for many reason. First being, although I am feeling better mentally, things feel very off with writing this story. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of passion to write this story and want to see it to completion, I've just had a fluxuating interest in smosh aswell. I enjoy the channel, just not as much as I use to. And my hyperfixation on Smosh was a big drive for me writing the story. Second being that I have so much writers block around the sixth chapter of this story, and I'm worried that as soon as I try to work on it, that block will make me lose my motivation again and I'll put it off for another 6 months.

This "chapter" (idk what else I'd call this) has probably been fully finished in my drafts for about a month now, and I've been putting off posting it because of those listed anxieties, but I really want to continue writing this story so I hope you enjoyed!

Also sorry if this explination was all over the place, I just got my first covid vaccine today and am feeling kinda bleh.

[purplesurveys]

1085

survey by -egocentricity-

On Myspace, what was in the last bulletin you posted? I haven’t been on Myspace for well over a decade; and even when I was there I didn’t have any friends added nor did I remember ever posting anything. Friendster and Multiply were a lot more popular.

When and where was the last time you took a picture of yourself? I took a selfie last Saturday in the dining room. It’s of me holding up the vape pen that Andi lent me for the meantime to show Angela, since she wanted to see what it looked like.

Have you ever been scolded by a mall cop? I remember being lightly chided once when I was like, 7 – I was leaning on a glass wall of a store in the mall, so the guard from that store nicely told me to get back up to be safe. Overall, I don’t think I’ve ever exhibited behavior in public that should’ve gotten me into trouble.

How often do you catch yourself daydreaming? Definitely not so much these days. I need to keep being preoccupied with work or other things to do/accomplish since my daydreaming always seems to end with thinking of scenarios that now upset me, like, idk, happier times with my ex. I’m tired of letting that happen and always being upset in the end, so I try to avoid getting lost in my thoughts anymore.

What's your favorite thing to think about as you're falling asleep? Idk about you but thinking in general keeps my mind up and racing lol, so when I’m trying to sleep I do my best to black out my mind so that I can doze off.

Is there anything that you want to do, but won't because you're too afraid? So I went to college with this girl - I believe she’s several batches older - who, as soon as she graduated, set out on a hitchhiking journey across the world. She’s been doing it for four years, and I believe she has finally made it to Europe after being stuck in Kazakhstan for a year due to Covid. She’s amazing and her spirit is so fucking beautiful. She has a Facebook page that I actively follow detailing her experiences; but as great as her journey has been, I don’t know and I highly doubt that I can set out for such a demanding, commitment-heavy challenge myself.

Who was the last person to yell at you? My mom is the only person who does that, but she hasn’t done so in a while.

Who gets up the earliest in your household? The latest? My dad, since his work starts the earliest. I will sometimes hear the car engine purring by 5:45 AM. The latest would be my sister, since she stays up the latest as well. I think she’s up by 8 AM, but she doesn’t show up outside of her bedroom until 10 or 11.

Have you ever had a pet walk across your keyboard while you were typing? No, and I am glad that’s the case because both of my dogs are too big and I fear that they could actually snap my laptop in half.

What political issues do you think deserve less attention/worry? No political issue deserves any less attention than others. Political issues always mean that someone is on the losing end and I don’t think it’s fair to compare and decide which ones can be put on the backseat. 

Anyway, I do believe it’s not so much the issues that should be compared, but the people in politics who are given the spotlight. Here in the Philippines especially, a lot of celebrities want to have their own political careers (and usually win a seat) despite their zero experience and the media gobbles that shit up all the time, which is disgusting. Related to this, I hope the media makes a consicous effort to wipe Trump out of the headlines once he’s out of office.

Which political issues are you most passionate about? I dunno if I can measure that since I’m pretty vocal about a lot of things. What I can tell you is that in the political issues I have a say in, I always side with the marginalized and the oppressed. IPs, POC, LGBTQ+, immigrants, factory workers, jeepney drivers, contractualized employees, activists, student-activists...my heart has always been with them and their cause.

You're going to your favorite foreign country; what landmarks do you go see? I’m not sure if I have a favorite country, but I’m very picky about landmarks in general anyway. I’d rather experience the local life and eat at smaller local places and go to lesser-known beaches and stuff.

What is the longest amount of time that you have spent away from your home? A little longer than a week, and this was usually when I traveled abroad.

Did the last movie you watched have any emotional effect on you? Yeah, so much so that I was unable to finish it and I had to show up at dinner while still fresh from crying.

What motivates you to go to school? Not applicable to me anymore, but I suppose this can be easily rephrased to mean work. Honestly, my main motivation is the desire to have a perfect record at work lol. I’m super neurotic about this and I hate the idea of being absent or late. Money comes second; I rarely buy stuff for myself so I mostly don’t even realize the money coming in to my account every two weeks. Then third is the desire to be good at my job because I do want to get promoted and rack up more positions as I go along.

How much caffeine have you consumed in one day? The most cups of coffee I’ve had in one day is 3, and that was not an enjoyable experience ha. Right now, I’m on my first cup of coffee.

Are you more hyper and up-tight, or laid back and relaxed? I guess it depends on the situation. I can definitely exhibit either, but my behavior will vary based on the people I’m with and/or how comfortable I am in a certain situation.

When was the last time you heard someone talking about you? Around a week ago. My parents were having dinner separately and I heard my name being mentioned in a few sentences.

How did you pick out your last outfit? I wanted an outfit that was chill and easy to carry around, but would still make me look like I put some effort into picking it out.

When buying shoes, what do you look for in the product? I admittedly like brand names, so that’s the first thing I look at. I also like to keep up with what’s trending, so I look at items in a brand’s catalog that I see more and more people wearing. If it matches with my own personal style, then I keep an eye on it/purchase it altogether.

What happened to cause the last mess you made? The last and current mess I have on me is my work desk, which I’ve since abandoned in favor of my bed + portable desk as my new workspace. Idk, over the Christmas break I just ended up stacking up so much shit on the desk until it became a little too cluttered. I’ve cleaned it up here and there to make the space look neater, but there’s still a lot of stuff.

Are you embarrassed to bring people into your bedroom? Not embarrassed; I just find it unnecessary. My bedroom is too small to host guests and the only times I’ve let someone in there is when I had a significant other. I prefer people to stay in the living room.

When was the last children's birthday party you attended? It was my third cousin Isabella’s 7th birthday party at a Jollibee. Her family has been living in Australia for a while, but I guess they wanted to host a party with their Filipino family so they flew back here to stay for a few days. Because she is my third cousin and because she’s been living in Australia all her life, I don’t actually have any sort of relationship with her lmao but I still made an effort to greet her and stuff.

Are you good at reading other people's body language? Yes, to the point that it contributes to my overall anxiety.

If you're sick, do you go to school or do you stay home [usually]? I rarely get a fever so when I do it feels like actual death. For that reason, I usually have to skip the day and focus on feeling better.

Does chicken noodle soup really make you feel any better? I never had it whenever I’ve felt like crap in the past. I don’t really like soup though, so on a personal level I doubt it would have any effect on me.

What is one meal that you like to eat whilst sick? I don’t have a go-to meal because again, I rarely get sick.

Think of the last survey you filled out; did you enjoy it? Sure, it was easy to digest and it’s the kind that you can take over and over again.

Have you ever fed bread to ducks or geese? I’ve fed bread, but to fish in the sea; not ducks or geese since idk if we have either here other than in zoos. In our trip to Mactan in 2010, I remember how we were allowed to pay a certain small amount to get bread from the resort and proceed to feed the fish swimming around in the beach.

Is it hard to imagine you were ever as small as a 1-2 year old? Yeah, I definitely feel that way sometimes.

What set the tone for your mood today? Eh, I wouldn’t say I had an overall mood today, honestly. It was a normal day at work, maybe a little more uneventful than other days; and I was on top of my tasks so there wasn’t anything to dread or worry about. I was just concentrated on getting the day over with and wasn’t strongly attached to any emotion.

Have you ever set out to ruin someone else's day? I don’t think so.

Have you ever felt like the whole world was against you? It happens sometimes.

The name of the last video game you played? Mario Kart 8 probably? It’s been a while but it’s all I play if I do play a video game, so it’s a safe guess.

The name of the last board game that you played? We whipped out my old box of Trivial Pursuit last November when we didn’t have electricity and internet because of the typhoon.

What was the last thing that you told yourself? I don’t remember the last time I talked to myself, but like two minutes ago I was starting to feel sad so I silently reminded myself to think of positive things.

How many times a day do you wash your face? At least once, in the morning before I start work. I’ve learned that cleaning myself up, even if it’s just splashing water on my face, super helps if I want to start working in a good mood.

Do you remember your D.A.R.E. officer's name? I didn’t have one of those, anddd I’m sure we didn’t have that program here.

Someone throws hot coffee on you; how do you react? It’s taken me a whole goddamn week to finish this survey, lels. Anywho... I think out of instinct I would scream out in extreme agony first? And I’d probably spend the first immediate seconds to try and process what just happened. I don’t know if I would fight back because I’m pretty sure the burns would be hurting too badly for me to focus on revenge.

Is there a high school or college that you would rather be attending? I attended one school from kindergarten to college, and I can’t imagine having attended anywhere else. I had one dream university and I ended up attending it.

Have you ever lived in an apartment or duplex home? Yes, both. My parents lived in an apartment for a few months when I was a newborn. From ages 2-10 I lived in my childhood home, which is actually a duplex. The other house belongs to my grandpa’s late sister and her family.

Has anyone ever commented on your weight? Sure, but I care so little about my weight that they don’t really have an effect on me. The most common one I get is to “eat more.”

Where do you stand when it comes to sexual intercourse? Erm not really lmao. Just do it?? Idk. And just make sure consent is mutual and that you aren’t doing it out of pressure.

Name a show from the 90's that you miss? I guess ‘miss’ is the wrong word since I never watched it while it was ongoing, but I do love Friends. I’m excited to see what they have planned for the reunion episode.

Who provokes your sarcastic side the most? Bad co-workers, but luckily I haven’t had to pull that side of me in a while.

Have you ever thought about joining the military? Never.

When you were little, did you ever stare at disabled or "different" people? Being a kid, I probably did but never thought anything of it during those times. My mom certainly would’ve whooped my ass if I tried to comment anything mean or be a smartass.

Could the contents of your bedroom get you in any trouble? The one thing that would piss my mom off are my vape pens. I still have Gab-related stuff in my room that I’m too lazy to throw out, but I doubt I will get into trouble from those anymore because there has been no relationship to speak of in the last four months.

Do weather patterns sometimes have an effect on your health? Not on my health, but on my mood.

If it snows a lot where you live, do you experience cabin fever? It doesn’t, so idk what this would feel like.

When was the last time someone disapproved of something you were doing? Not entirely sure; this hasn’t happened in a while. Admittedly, as a people pleaser, I thrive on doing what people would want me to do lol.

How good are you at getting along with other people? On a scale of 1 to 10, probably a 9? I’m super nice to everyone and in the end it only really boils down to whether I have chemistry with them or not. If I fail to feel comfortable around someone I’m more likely to stay formal, but I do try to be lively and crack jokes with everyone as much as I can.

Do you consider yourself to be approachable? I want to be and I always try to come off as such, but my resting bitchface hurts that chance sometimes haha.

Do you know anyone that's a little emotionally unstable? Uhm, no one comes to mind.

Have you ever felt like you were going out of your mind? Yes.

Has anyone ever suggested that you might need "help"? I don’t recall being told this by anyone before. But with the way I broadcast my anxiety and sadness from time to time, I’m sure people have thought of it.

Do you take offense to things easily? Yeah you can say that. I’ve always been more sensitive than most.

How do you respond to cheesy pick-up lines? As with any pick-up line, I inwardly roll my eyes and move on.

Do you like to give people a taste of their own medicine? It’s such a waste of time and energy for the most part, so no. But if I feel petty, I have no problem doing it.

How was the service at the last restaurant you visited? It was...fine. Nothing to write home about. It was unlimited Korean barbecue and they actually had a system in place where they gave us a link to some internal website they kept, and we could simply order from there to minimize contact with the servers. I will say that I never got the kimchi jjigae I had ordered, but it was fine because I was full by then lmao.

Are you ever jealous of happy couples? No. I mean, I guess I’m reminded of my loneliness when I see couples in public, but I don’t get jealous or angry. I just shake it off and try to focus on myself.

Describe a thought that is sticking with you today? That I can’t wait for Friday.

Lately, who has spent the most time on your mind? I’ve been thinking more of my anxieties than certain people, tbh.

In a car: air conditioning, or roll the windows down? Air conditioning. Though sometimes it’s nice to have the windows down, especially when I’m driving within my village or up a mountain.

When was the last time you did anything to your playlist? I made an angst-themed playlist over the weekend.

Is there a new song or band you've discovered? Massive Attack. Hayley Williams did a super great cover of their song Teardrop, so I checked out the original version which I also ended up enjoying. Olivia Rodrigo too, who I found out is part Filipino yay!

Which teacher gives you the most homework? My Journalism Ethics professor will probably rank the highest on this list.

What type of personality do you find most annoying? Idk, condescending ones maybe? There are a million kinds of personalities lol, but yeah I hate those who make you feel dumb, and feel good about doing so.

How did you hear about Bzoink? If my memory serves me correctly, my 10 year old self just wanted empty about me surveys to answer. Bzoink was always one of the first websites to come out if I searched for surveys on Google.

How long did it take you to sign up for an account - if you have one? I don’t think I ever made an account on there since I was too shy to share my answers.

Are you punctual? Yes, very.

Have you ever howled at the full moon? No.

Have you ever seen yourself on camera? Like if I’ve seen photos of myself??? I would be very surprised if anyone can say they haven’t.

Do you give any consideration to what's said in your horoscope? No.

When was the last time you felt like you were being followed? This has never happened before, thankfully.

[mascaratearsnlipsticksmears]

1..Who was the last person you held hands with? Probably My son

2. Are you outgoing or shy? Shy until I’m

Comfortable

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? My surgeon

4. Are you easy to get along with? I try to Be. Don’t give me a reason to not Like you 😉

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? Never had someone take care of me from drinking .....I’m usually taking care of everyone else

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? Loyal. Chill. Down to earth .

7. Are you married? No.

8. Do you want to get married? Eventually . I do , but I need it to be for the right reason.

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? Makes me feel Lonely lately believe it or not.... 😔

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? Steve

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? “Oh cool 😎”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

lil peep- star shopper

Brand new-Jesus Christ

Bebe rexha- I’m a mess

Anything Billie eillish

Doja cat -rules

Ashnikko-daisy

That’s more than 5, Idc

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Only certain people

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? I don’t know anymore

15. What good thing happened this summer? Got a tan and not covid 👌🏼👌🏼

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? My little guy? I will kiss him when ever I can cause one day he’s not gonna want me to and I’ll be sad

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? Absolutely

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? Yes

19. Do you like bubble baths? 110%

20. Do you like your neighbors? Yea

21. What are you bad habits? Overthinking, caring to much.

22. Where would you like to travel? Anywhere

23. Do you have trust issues? No, people that scumbag me Normally get cut off so I only keep ppl around I trust.

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? Coffee & a bowl

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? Uhhh everything from the chin down 😔

26. What do you do when you wake up? Set gage up for class in the living room

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?darker

28. Who are you most comfortable around? Lauren Rayza

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? They don’t get the chance, yes a few tried to contact me but my mentality is fuck them.... one even tried emailing my friends to reach me 🙄🙄🖕🏼

30. Do you ever want to get married? I do, one day. Didn’t I just answer this

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail? Yes

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? Idk I’d have to think about it

33. Spell your name with your chin. The fuck?

34. Do you play sports? What sports? Bought a bike yesterday Lol. I used to be on the swim team and I played soccer~ also took dance for 7 years.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? Depends on my mood

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? Absolutely.

37. What do you say during awkward silences? Try to avoid them at all Costs

38. Describe your dream girl/guy? No.

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? Sephora Ulta Victoria secret

40. What do you want to do after high school? Lol I think that bridge has been crosses already

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? Not everyone , no.

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? Normally bad anxiety and hurting , or extremely chill

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Yea I do.... but now I forget I have a mask on and look like a retard

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? Can I just going fishing ?

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? My son.

46. What are you paranoid about? Money

47. Have you ever been high? There’s a joint in my hand.

48. Have you ever been drunk? Who writes these things??

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? No.

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Navy

51. Ever wished you were someone else? Eh wish I was still me with more $$$

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? I don’t have to wish, I’m doing it.

53. Favourite makeup brand? Tarte, morphs, fenty

54. Favourite store? Didn’t I answer this?

55. Favourite blog? My own💚

56. Favourite colour? Black, Periwinkle , light lavender ,pink

57. Favourite food? Japanese

58. Last thing you ate? 8 hours slow cooked ribs

59. First thing you ate this morning? Coffee

60. Ever won a competition? For what? Probably & Idr

61. Been suspended/expelled? Started a food fight in the science lab and they suspended the wrong Angela ~Womp womp...I did get detention a lot cause my shirt was too low in the front tho.

62. Been arrested? No

63. Ever been in love? Yea I think so

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? No. ☺️

65. Are you hungry right now? I could eat.

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? Meh

67. Facebook or Twitter? Fb

68. Twitter or Tumblr? Tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?yes

70. Names of your bestfriends? Stephanie Lauren Rayza Kat Christina

71. Craving something? A simple hand hold...😔.... compliment here or there . To not have to do everything myself... I crave the help I constantly ask for and never get. I crave dick, I just don’t understand this shit anymore.... damnit tumblr u struck a nerve .

72. What colour are your towels? Mixed

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? 1

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? No

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?idk

75. Favourite animal? So many..... tigers maybe? & Lynx. Sharks.

76. What colour is your underwear? Not wearing any 😬

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? Chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? Mint chocolate chip

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? Olive green

80. What colour pants? None on.

81. Favourite tv show? In the dark

82. Favourite movie? All 50 shades.

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? First one

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? How do these compare

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? The Lebanese chick

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? Turtles

87. First person you talked to today? Gage

88. Last person you talked to today? Myself

89. Name a person you hate? Hate is a strong word.

90. Name a person you love? Gage

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? Lol Geoff

92. In a fight with someone? No

93. How many sweatpants do you have? No idea

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?Too many

95. Last movie you watched? “What if”

96. Favourite actress? Perry Mattfeld

97. Favourite actor? Hmmmm

98. Do you tan a lot?yassss

99. Have any pets? A zoo

100. How are you feeling? Confused, tired burning out ..

101. Do you type fast? I try

102. Do you regret anything from your past? Yes

103. Can you spell well? Eh

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? Yes

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? Yes

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? Yes

107. Have you ever been on a horse? Yes

108. What should you be doing? Listing stuff on Etsy

109. Is something irritating you right now? No

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? Absolutely

111. Do you have trust issues? No, just don’t give me a reason too.

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? Ohhhh I don’t cry in front of ppl,cause then there’s a witness... did cry today tho, but you couldn’t see me.

113. What was your childhood nickname? Angiefur

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? Yes

115. Do you play the Wii?not really

116. Are you listening to music right now? No

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? Yes

118. Do you like Chinese food? Yes

119. Favourite book? Crank

120. Are you afraid of the dark?some times

121. Are you mean? Don’t cross me 😘

122. Do you believe in “the one that got away”? Yes.

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? I try

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? Idk

125. Do you believe in true love? Yes

126. Are you currently bored? Yes

127. What makes you happy? Attention lol romance? I think romance is dead tho...

128. Would you change your name? My last name? If I were getting married, yes

129. What your zodiac sign? Leo

130. Do you like subway? Food yes, smelly train no....

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? All my besties have vaginas, nothing to worry about.

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Steve

133. Favourite lyrics right now? Brand new : Jesus Christ

134. Can you count to one million? Yea but why

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? I don’t lie so I don’t have that problem

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? Closed Cause only 1 Of my 4 asshole cats I allowed in my room

137. How tall are you? Oh how short am I? 5’1

138. Curly or Straight hair? Straight

139. Brunette or Blonde? Right now black

140. Summer or Winter?summer

141. Night or Day? Summer nights

142. Favourite month? August

143. Are you a vegetarian? Keto

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? Dark

145. Tea or Coffee? Coffee

146. Was today a good day? I think so

147. Mars or Snickers? Dark chocolate Milky Way

148. What’s your favourite quote? I’d have to think about it

149. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“His thumb brushes my lower lip, and his breath hitches. He’s staring into my eyes, and I hold his anxious, burning gaze for a moment, or maybe it’s forever…but eventually, my attention is drawn to his beautiful mouth. And for the first time in twenty-one years, I want to be kissed.”

Excerpt From

Fifty Shades Trilogy Bundle: Fifty Shades of Grey; Fifty Shades Darker; Fifty Shades Freed

E L James

This material may be protected by copyright.

[mieczyhale]

a messy explanation of things and unnecessary information about life lately

soooo... right. i’m sorry i haven’t really been around aside from popping in here and there, and that i’ve been taking longer than usual to reply to things / not replying to things at all. it’s NOT that i’m upset with anyone or trying to ignore / avoid anyone, and it’s not that i don’t care / don’t love talking to you (whomstever you may be) i love chatting with y’all and wish i could get myself to reply to things quicker but i do not control the me lmfao honestly my sleep has never had a schedule but in recent weeks it’s kinda been operating like there’s a lil gremlin in my head who spins a wheel and picks my sleeping times at random - and it’s either like.. two hours or most of a day. there hasn’t been a lot of in between so that’s a thing!!

also in a fun added mix of maybe sleep?, missing meds, being stuck in the house more often than not, and the FUCKING EVERYTHING happening in the world right now my mental health is... probably run by the same goblin that runs my sleep schedule lmao consistency whomst?? since the lockdown started the depression has of course been around more but actually, worse than that, is how my anxiety - and by extension: my ocd - have really amped up and i need y’all to know that the struggle is painfully real (and another thing that affects shit like my replies and writing. reading as well. fics have been kinda stressful and that should be illegal. who authorized this?) i don’t hate talking about it but i don’t really like it either?? especially like.. in depth. but i will say there has been crying, screaming, pain!, and i’ve acquired a few physical injuries.

so

yeah

on a personal level - a ‘just me’ level - shit is an even bigger mess than usual lmao but all these things will get better eventually - they always do. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NOW

ON A PERSONAL LEVEL - THE FULL LEVEL - THINGS.... are pretty great actually! i mean aside from the state of my fucking house e__e but Josh has been working from home for two (2) months now and it’s been really nice - people complaining about their partners being home?? can’t relate. yknow what?? i just might love that tall bastard even more from all this.fuck all y’all miserable fucks

we’ve been going out for drives and we’ve gone fishing and the only place i’ve gone too that’s re-opened is goodwill. because i require.. the shop. they do have a masks required rule! (at least at the one here) and, alongside that, the places we’ve gone that never closed (like grocery stores and the gas station and the hardware store) have social distancing rules and stuff in place which i love. can we keep social distancing after this is all over?? more things here in wisconsin are opening up and we might go to some. idk though. we also might not. either way its still a weird kind of exciting to see things opening back up?? even though i do think we’re not totally in the clear because most of our gov. sucks (our mayor tried to extend our stay-at-home order - keyword there is TRIED. we are the land of cheese, cows, and no fucking braincells for anyone) 

having pets is obviously not a new thing for me but it’s still a thing. so it takes time and effort and energy and patience and love and a certain disregard for your own safety (claws. they really be as sharp as you think) so... it can be stressful, especially cuz we’ve had to keep them inside more as it gets hot out and something keeps breaking our porch screens (our cats are allowed onto our screened in porch or they can go out in a harness but we will never let them run free outside. fuck that noise)  my bbies are all so cute and their personalities and idiosyncrasies are just... *chefs kiss* i love em and they’re definitely a part of what has made quarantine better

i’ve seen my mom a few times, like for my birthday and when she needed help moving Isaiah from one dorm to another and such, but that’s primarily been an option because she has become anti-mask and anti-stay-at-home-order. initially she wasn’t - she gave Isaiah and i fun lil masks since at that time trying to buy them would be impossible and she thought nothing of staying home - but i guess either as its dragged on or as she’s consumed her middle-right wing news that changed s o. she does take social distancing in public very seriously though, so at least there’s that. our favorite coffee shop, where we - pre-lockdown - always went one (1) or two (2) times a week to do art for hours re-opens on monday and that’s one of the few things i’ve truly missed.

josh’s camping trip for this weekend with his friends had to be cancelled because the parks weren’t going to open in time. so today they’re going somewhere to do at least some of the things they would have done if they had gone camping. bikes, bonfires, and cigars. i’m kinda jealous negl but he was really excited about it so mostly i’m happy

trying to figure out how human services was running things during lockdown was rough but thankfully it didn’t take much to get it sorted. mostly because my mom made the phone call i was supposed to lol (the phone anxiety is on its own level) so wednesday afternoon my mom sat with me while i had the appointment with my psychiatrist over speakerphone (which was.. an experience)

ummm.....

OH YEAH! Probably absolutely my favorite thing that’s happened is: WE’RE STARTING THE SEARCH FOR A NEW HOUSE!!!! it doesn’t mean we’re gonna be moving soon or anything, we don’t want to make the same mistake twice (buying the first house you tour that you love) because while it is a great house ultimately it is way too small for us. i mean there’s me and josh, all six cats, and ALL OUR SHIT. listen: i have an entire room dedicated to my various hobbies. and a walk in closet that isn’t big enough. and we both have collections we love and want to display (right now upstairs its hello kitty and downstairs its astronomy and the titanic. and then there’s pop figures, mtg, collectibles, our bottle collection and various knickknacks, etc.) plus all our books! then furniture and cat furniture (i.e towers) and all their shit because they are spoiled babies. and god forbid we ever have a human kid?? yeah. it’s just not big enough. 

so we’re gonna take more time with this choice but what we do know is:: we wanna live out in the country (i’m paranoid and don’t like to be looked at and he loves the outdoors, lived on a farm for awhile. i also enjoy the outdoors but mostly since we moved into this house i’ve struggled with doing anything outside... while we only have one neighbor on our road. but there’s one across the road and one at the other side of our backyard and that’s just too much lol) 

lets see.. um.... my birthday was may 2nd and that was pretty nice, for a pandemic birthday. there’s been a lot of stuff happening involving josh’s family but that’s not something i really wanna get into on here, tho i will say things have been better in recent weeks and it’s been... really nice. josh and i went to his mom’s house the other night and got drunk with her for fun and i actually had a really good time?? and didn’t complain about going?? that’s kinda unheard of.

i don’t have a job anymore - haven’t since early march-ish - and it kinda sucks but also the universe really did me a solid because my choices were either allow myself to work until i have a mental break again or quit. and i was leaning towards quitting (things had been going down hill with the owner and other employees and just the business as a whole for awhile and there’s a limit to the amount of bullshit i can take thanks) but now it doesn’t seem i have to. why do i think i’m jobless? i was barely working anyway, bc of the snow business was slow, and in march i got really sick and stayed home for a week. the day i was supposed to go back i was still sick, and covid19 was starting to become more of a serious situation everywhere, so josh called in for me and explained that between still being sick and my anxiety over covid (asthma + a not so great immune system) i wasn’t going in that day. i never heard from them again. so. 

but it’s all good - there are some options but i’m not looking into them seriously until it’s safe to.

SO

THAT’S ALL OF FUCKING THAT ON THAT

i felt it wouldn’t be a bad idea to come on here and explain A. what’s been going on and B. where i’ve been and C. that if i haven’t responded to you or acknowledged something you sent me / tagged me in it’s literally just because i either forgot to (for all reasons and none) or i don’t have the mental space / energy to. but that doesn’t mean you have to stop talking to me! even if i don’t respond or respond immediately i do read everything and i would die for any one of you fuckers (especially my clowns and the tom hardy movie) 

oh! and just btw - sometimes i don’t get notifications (quelle surprise) tumblr and skype should really pair up and talk about their truly great systems that function so well /s 8| ANYWAY: the best and most reliable ways to get my attention are twitter ( @/mieczyhale) and discord (same name) because i have yet to see their notifications fail. ahem.

i feel like i’m missing things / forgetting things but honestly this post is long enough and also enough of a rambley mess that i’m just gonna try and ignore that feeling and carry on with my goddamn day so i might actually accomplish something. sorry if there’s spelling off or missing words. i’m not taking the time to re-read this and might even delete it bc it’s already giving me anxiety bUT WE’LL SEE ALRIGHT HI AND BYE I LOVE YOU GUYS <3

[izzy-b-hands]

Quarantine Tag Game

Tagged by @dabitchisback thank you!! I needed something to get me through this very slow morning of work!

Under a cut because y’all know I’m a wordy motherfucker lol.

Are you staying at home from school/work? 

Yes I am! I actually requested to be moved to work from home in part due to the COVID-19 stuff and due to some coworkers behaving like high schoolers and flat out bullying me (and I had had enough of that shit once it started making it hard to do my job lmao.) 

So just as they were setting it up for me, the clinic suddenly started realizing how serious this was and all of a sudden, they could find all the money for all the work from home equipment for a bunch of us in the non-direct patient contact side of things (funny, considering I’d begged to work from home over a year ago due to how bad my anxiety was getting with coworkers and patients when I was still in the direct patient contact part of it all, even offered to pay for the equipment, and was told it would always be too expensive and never be in the cards, even after my therapist recommended it for the sake of my mental health and blood pressure. Funny. that. Real funny.) 

If you’re staying home, who’s there with you?

Mostly my cat, Nisha. My mum works at the same clinic, but is front desk, so they’re rotating who goes in to the clinic and then who gets days off “to keep the financial health of the clinic” aka begging anyone who stays home for a day off (or in my sector who takes a day off due to reduced call volume) to take that time unpaid and not use PTO or EST...but we both have that time to use, so it is Being Used or we won’t be able to keep the lights on or the condo lmao. However, she does have assigned days off coming up, so on the weekend and those days off, my mum is here too. 

Are you a homebody?

Ohmygod yeah. The older I get, the more I dislike going out in general like. I work a full time job, I barely have time for chores or relaxation after, even now being work from home because scared patients asking you questions you can’t answer or don’t have an answer to (because no one has answers right now) just...idk how to explain it. But it gets weirdly exhausting, even though it sounds like it shouldn’t, and by the end of my 8 hours I just wanna lie on the floor and nap usually. So going out has never been my thing too much, because then my writing/chores/nap time gets neglected lol. I don’t mind the occasional appetizers and drinks night with mum and her friend, back when we could go out, but tbh it’s just nicer still to drink at home. Even on vacation, I go out more than usual, but also if there’s a night we can drink in the hotel with the mini bar, and just enjoy being somewhere other than home...I will take that night in a heartbeat. 

My anxiety also doesn’t love going out, but I’ve been working and getting better at dealing with that. Of course, current times might mean a bit of a setback, but I’m going to work really hard for it not to be too bad. I haven’t been in six years of therapy for nothing lol.

An event that you were looking forward to that got cancelled?

Um...does my root canal count? And I wasn’t really looking forward to it per se, I just am afraid of the tooth getting worse and starting to have worse pain. 

Other than that, it hasn’t been cancelled yet because we’re playing it all by ear (but I admit I’m afraid it probably won’t happen due to the virus stuff, even if it’s over by the time this thing was supposed to happen), but I have a trip to New York City planned with a good friend in August. Even if things have calmed down, I know New York has gotten hit extremely hard, and if they’re still fighting with the aftereffects of it all...might not be fully open for business by August so to speak. And besides, with everything as it is right now, and the talk of a vaccine being at minimum over a year away, with periods of possible social distancing needed even if this calms down but possibly goes through flare ups until a vaccine is ready...travel might not be back to normal for awhile, I can’t say more than anyone else on that I suppose. I’d really like it to be, by August, I admit that as selfish as it is. I was just really looking forward to it, kind of living for it even, and now...yeah. 

But, better to be at home and healthy in the end, travel insurance exists for a reason, and trips can always be rescheduled. 

What movies have you watched recently?

Haunt (Mum and I never got to see it when it was in theaters), Queen Rock Montreal (my go to oh no I’m sad movie), Tammy (a fave of mum’s, and we both just like Melissa McCarthy in general), and Jojo Rabbit. I’ve got a bunch I bought and rented just last night too (maybe not a smart financial decision, but I’ll deal with that when I have to lmao), since it feels smart of have a backlog of stuff to watch right now.

What shows are you watching?

Mostly rewatching the IT Crowd, the Office, Travel Man, and other tried and true faves. It helps mum to relax since she loves all those too (including any episodes of 8 out of 9 Cats Does Countdown I can find, I finally got her hooked on that!) Basically if it has a chance of Richard Ayoade or enough episodes to keep us going for a bit, then it’s on the list to watch.

What music are you listening to?

So many. No, but legit, I’ve been all over on Spotify as of late, especially searching for music to help the fic writing. A lot of Queen, Elton, Clams Casino, The Weeknd, Kendrick Lamar, David Byrne, Childish Gambino, St. Vincent, and Moses Sumney especially.

What are you reading?

Fanfic, trusted news sources like AP, Reuters, updates from WHO, wanting to reread Mercury and Me and Elton John’s Me, and really need to get back into reading And The Band Played on by Randy Shilts (started it right as shit started to get wild, so it got put to the side, but I want to finish it asap.) 

What are you doing for self-care?

Trying to enjoy that this is also the trial time to see if I want to make work from permanent (work is making me make it a trial, I’ve wanted to work from home for years so...yes is the answer to that lol) and what I can do now that I’m home, like work more on my writing and music. Not to mention, eating foods that normally upset my stomach/I have sensitivities to like meat and dairy (I might be developing straight up allergies to them, but we all know I can’t afford to see an allergist lmao) but that since I’m safe at home where I be sick and still work...I can indulge. I can also play music more and movies so long as I pause them if I get a phone call during work hours, so overall I’ve been a lot more relaxed and my BP is down during work as a result, which is something I’ve never really felt before in my life, and I’m rather enjoying. 

Aside from that, video games have also made a resurgence in my life, especially Saints Row, and that’s been fun as well. 

All of this in between taking care of Mum of course, who worries and panics, and tends to believe everything she hears and reads and watches without thinking critically or carefully, so...that’s been a thing. 

Actual therapy appointments would be my best self care of course, but the last few have been cancelled due to everything going on. This week, however, my appointment is supposed to be done via telecommute and I should finally get to catch up with my doctor, which I admit I need pretty desperately right now. It’s getting hard feeling like I’m on my own, helping soothe others but struggling to soothe myself most of the time. But, c’est la vie, right?

Tagging (if y’all feel up to it and wanna!): @skylinepigeon, @freebooter4ever, @bearkare, @rathernotmyname, @galaxy-starheart, and @youdontrememberthesomme

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

22/f

I’m sorry if this starts making less sense as I type more, I’m just trying to describe somethings that I’ve never exactly addressed before? So I’ve felt it and experienced it but never exactly tried to put it in words before.

So basically, I feel like I have a tendency to become emotionally dependent on people I date. I have pretty bad anxiety issues, that I’m working on slowly. Sometimes this leads to depressing days. Well in terms of emotional dependency, with my boyfriend, we haven’t discussed what to do once we graduate next year, because there is still a lot of time left and what can we discuss when we don’t know what is going to happen with ourselves once we graduate, we probably need to figure out our own future before we discuss one together. But we are very happy together. But I feel like it’s starting to feel like a ticking clock. It’s terrifying. And what makes sense is to talk about it when the time is right, and just be in the moment and be together right now. But the problem since, like an idiot, I thought about it so much, I keep thinking we don’t have enough time left together and we need to spend more time together. Because the thought of breaking up scares me so much! And I’m trying to spend more and more time together and trying to force it more, unlike earlier when it just happened naturally. And since I’m forcing it and doing it because of the fear of things ending, it was always at the back of my mind, those times that we spent together just weren’t nice and would get messy and just end up sad or fighting. Until one day he finally told me to calm down and stop thinking so much into it, we’ll figure it out when the time comes.

Second thing, with the quarantine, we’ve both gone home and are obviously in a long distance now. It’s going okay. We did long distance last summer and it wasn’t easy but we were really good together. But this time it’s different. Our uni exams are postponed and online classes are over so essentially our summer break has started. Except it’s still a quarantine. And I won’t say we are very good this time. I feel myself getting more and more need and annoying(my words, he does not let me talk bad about myself, which is a little too frequent), but I need to say how I feel. Obviously the pandemic majorly worked up my anxieties, but work through that. But now I’ll be honest, I’ve developed this strange obsessive behavior that I want to talk to him all the time! And at this point, we’re both just at home so there isn’t as much happening. So there isn’t much to say. And I think I hate that. And it’s not like we don’t speak at all, just not as much as last summer. And I hate that I’m comparing SO much! At this point I’m just fantasizing the past. We talk. And our conversations aren’t dull. They’re just not constant. And when we text, sometimes the conversation ends, which it never did last summer. And unlike me, he’s keeping himself busy because he’s not finding it easy to deal with the quarantine mentally either plus he has own things to deal with in terms of family, and he does talk about it but he finds keeping himself busy helps. Which I’m more than understand but it causes him to reply late. And he’s ALWAYS assured me that unless he’s busy or the phone is away, he will always reply as soon as he sees the message, and I know he does. Now he’s majoring in game design and I’m majoring in animation. So even thought, our year is over, we still need to keep working and practicing. And I know that I need keep my peace of mind and just keep myself busy too, and there’s plenty of things I need to do. Instead, I choose to sit and sulk and overthink that he has replied to my text for the past 1 hour! And then I get mad and we’ve spoken about this at least 3 times since quarantine started and each time he’s made an effort from his side. But why am I still so needy?! I understand everything. I understand his side, I understand the current situation. But despite understanding, it doesn’t change the way I feel! And I just choose to agonize over whatever I’m overthinking about. I just keep making a mountain of a mole hill. I just want to stop feeling this way. I don’t want to sit around waiting for a text like I used to in high school! I have things to do and I want to do them so badly but why am I like this? Please, PLEASE tell me how to stop overthinking nothing. I’m not being hard on myself, I’m just desperate not overthink every single situation. Why am I so obsessed with him now?I can’t tell you how anxious this is making me.  I just want to stop being so scared all the time.

After high school, I took a gap year and got into this horrible emotionally abusive relationship. He was gaslighting me the whole time, made me cut ties with friends, made me constantly feel shitty about myself. Always told me I was dumb and stupid, without fail. And also was always talking to other girls openly, was obviously cheating on me. But when I would confront him, he’d accuse me of not trusting him and that I was stupid. And the strange thing is I knew that I was the one who right, yet I chose to believe him and stay with him? He was very manipulative. Idk how to explain what I was like back then and why. But I’m out of that now and I’m in a good place now. I just feel he is a big influence in the way I am today. And I hate that.

In a few days it’ll be my first anniversary with this wonderful guy. I love him very much and I’m SO happy that I met him. But I don’t want to be emotionally dependent on him. I want to be fine on my own too. And I was for a long time. It’s not like I rushed into this relationship after my previous one, I didn’t even meet him till 2.5 years after. But I don’t want this emotional dependency. I feel like I’m so scared of losing him that I keep making up scenarios which makes me feel like I’ve already lost him. And in general, overthinking and being dependent makes me feel shitty. I don’t want to be dependent on anyone for anything! In high school, I used to dream about becoming the strong independent woman. I thought by now, I would have become one..but clearly not. Maybe for my previous relationship, I can say that my ex really prevented any chance of me becoming one. But in this one, he really pushes me to be better and encourages me to become one! Just because I’m in a relationship, doesn’t mean I have to lose my ability to be fine on my own. This quarantine is a good time for me to work on being by myself. I want to work on myself, mentally. But I don’t know how?

hey there <3 this makes a lot of sense, I think you’ve articulated yourself really well. I would agree with you, it sounds like your previous relationship is playing a big role in your current concerns around identity and anxiety. just something to note though, there is a difference between emotional dependence and emotional closeness. emotional closeness is good and healthy, it’s something you want in a relationship. being emotionally close with each other involves trust and authenticity and communication -- there’s nothing wrong with being emotionally close to someone. emotional dependence can definitely be a problem though (more detail here on what can define it), and I would agree that that’s what you’re experiencing at the moment.

it’s hard not to make comparisons sometimes, especially when what you’re comparing against (ie. last summer) was so happy and positive and good! but I think a contributing factor of that was the “honeymoon” phase of your relationship? and now that you’ve been together almost a yr, the honeymoon phase has ended, and that’s ok. it’s ok if sometimes the conversation just ends now, it’s alright if you sometimes have disagreements or whatever. it’s not that things aren’t as ‘good’ as last summer? just that you’re becoming more comfortable with each other, your love is more stable and habitual (for lack of a better word), 

I think this quarantine is testing you in a profound way, and I think you’re dealing with things pretty alright :* being forced to be in a long-distance relationship isn’t easy at all, being forced to face your anxieties and insecurities is confronting, the covid-19 pandemic is magnifying issues and isn’t helping at all but even though you’re struggling? you’re not completely falling apart, you’re looking for answers and a way through this. 

having read everything that you’re going through at the moment, it feels like a lot of the anxiety is rooted in fear of the future? and I guess a major aspect of anxiety is the unknown! next yr and after graduation is unknown for you, but it can help to start making plans. if you start to make plans then it can clarify things for you, and give you a goal to work towards too. there’s less uncertainty, there’s less to get anxious over because you know what’s ahead and how to prepare for it. the sooner you do it, the better it will be! but the longer you leave things, the less time you have to sort things out and the more your anxiety rises.

you’ve recognised that you’ve developed a bad habit fo obsessively wanting to talk to him all the time? so work on breaking that habit. I’m currently not working or studying at the moment, and I’m finding it so difficult to find the motivation to even get out of bed sometimes! however, I’ve started to write a daily list of things to get done? and it really helps to motivate me and to keep me accountable for getting shit done. so that could be something to try doing: write yourself a (reasonable) list of things to get done each day, tick them off as you get them done. doing that can help keep you busy and possibly avoid spending time over-thinking him not replying super quick.

when anxious thoughts start to take over, when you start to feel really on edge and panicky over him not replying? stop whatever you’re doing, breathe. do some focused breathing exercises (here and here) — deep breathing works to slow down your heart rate, decreases blood pressure, allows more oxygen into the brain so you can think more clearly, and also gives you something else to focus on as well.

sometimes knowing the logic of a situation doesn’t always change feelings ): all you can do is choose to make conscious decisions and actions to fight against the anxious feelings. write down a plan of action, a list of things to do to combat the anxiety. when you start to feel anxious and you feel yourself overthinking something? go back to your daily to-do list and find something on there to complete, or maybe go for a run (or some other kind of intensive exercise), call a friend, find a new recipe and bake something yummy in the kitchen, anything that takes your full concentration and attention.

some ideas on how to work on yourself / improve emotional independence:

keep busy, create daily to-do lists to keep yourself motivated and accountable, use affirmations to fight against anxious thought patterns (see here for examples). 

know that there’s a difference between emotional dependence and emotional closeness — it’s ok, healthy and good to have the latter. you can still be independent while being emotionally close with others, the two can coexist.

something else to try, spend 1 entire day without technology. turn off your phone, laptop, tv etc, spend the entire day focusing on you :) that way you have control over the temporary time apart from your boyfriend, and when you’re in control? you feel more empowered, and less anxiety. talk to your boyfriend before you do this haha, and explain why you’re doing it (ie. to work on building emotional resilience and overcoming anxiety), I’m sure he’ll understand and support you.

practise lots of self care, indulge a lot in things that genuinely make you feel happy and warm and positive :) maybe that’s having an extra long bath with epsom salts and essential oils, maybe it’s giving yourself a face mask and painting your nails, maybe it’s practising yoga or meditation, or solo sexy time, or baking, gardening, playing games? whatever works for you! the more time you spend doing solo activities that you find gives you pleasure, the more your brain starts to associate spending time alone with a positive feeling. 

this is such a long reply, apologies if it’s a little rambling at times! but I hope this helps you lovely, let me know how you get on <3

- tash

[seven-oomen]

Okay, this probably won’t be that long, because I have an early shift in the morning, and really should probably already be in bed.  But, I am very glad to hear from you again, even if things are shitty right now.  Also, omg, again, you are not a dick for focusing on your mental health for a while.  I figured there was a good chance that was part of what was going on.  I have multiple friends who have pulled back from various social media, because shit is just really fucked up right now, and most people are having trouble dealing, without any extra issues on top of it. 

I’m really sorry about your therapists, and hope you can either find some equally helpful new ones, or maybe follow your old ones if they end up somewhere else?  Would having official diagnoses possibly help make your old employer more cooperative about the unemployment stuff?  And that sucks about the whole reducing how much welfare you get if people help you thing.  The US has similar stupid issues with some of their programs.  I have a friend on disability that has to be careful how much child support she gets from her ex at a time because if she has too much in savings she could lose her disability.  Which is ridiculous on so many levels, but hey, what else would I expect from this country at this point?

Things at work/in my city have somewhat settled down at this point.  Protests are still happening, and the cops are still being assholes, but slightly less so than before.  Things aren’t not good necessarily, but they’re better.  And while I still have to fight the urge to throw elbows with customers who can’t understand proper social distancing, work has been okay on that front at least.  My schedule has been all over the place due to various people on vacation/medical leave, but thankfully nothing covid related.

Speaking of vacations, I did finally get a few days off, even though I did not get as much done as I’d hoped.  I did get at least a few items checked off my list however, so that’s something.  The most entertaining part was after I finally cleaned out my “bar cabinet” as such, and tossed all the old and/or opened liqueurs left by past roommates and guests that hadn’t been touched, in some cases, in years.  I didn’t toss everything, but it was a pretty fair amount, and as I was taking out my recycling afterwards I just kept praying I wouldn’t run into any neighbors lest they decide to stage an intervention (so…many…empty…bottles…)

I’m trying to get into the holiday spirit this year, but between (probable) executive dysfunction and rollercoastering anxiety, it’s been sporadic at best.  I added some more songs to the Halloween mix on my computer, so now it’s nearly 10 hours of music, so I’ve been playing it to try and help.  I have a decent amount of decorations up now, and I caved and bought two frankly huge pumpkins at the grocery the other day that I now have to figure out what to do with.  One of my friends is trying to arrange a spooky gift exchange since we can’t have any of the parties we normally would, so we’ll see how that goes.

And I will definitely get that story dug back out and give it a going over as soon as I have a free day.  I think it was pretty much done, but it’s been a little bit since I looked at it because I’ve been trying to get further in my current WIP (I need to listen to that “Just write the scene” post, because that’s one of my main issues right now, thinking of scenes for later and getting irritated because I’m not that far in the plot yet.)  And I very much still love that universe, and think of those assholes fairly often.

Holy crud, it’s later than I realized.  To sum up, I’m very glad that you’re still here, and if getting through stuff requires the occasional tumblr sabbatical, that is absolutely okay.  Take care of you first.  And if you want to email me, you can, that’s an older email address, but I do still check it sometimes.  Be warned, however, that I am pretty much fuckall useless for any helpful advice.  My main skill is to be awkwardly yet earnestly encouraging while having no real clue what to say.  But I’m here.  And on a related note, I continue to be awed and impressed at the way you refuse to let any of this stop you, and keep pushing through despite everything, even if it doesn’t feel that way from your side of the view.  (I hope that made sense.  Like I said, not so great with the practical advice/support, but I assure you the sentiment it there.)  I’m glad you’re doing the best you can, and that Mo is doing okay (I didn’t know he’d been having issues, poor kitty!)  Sending all the hope and positive energy (to both of you!)  *Hugs!*  

Nah but I feel like a dick for not saying anything or responding to anyone on here and I feel like a dick for worrying people. And for that, I do owe you an apology.

(I also recognize that this is probably one of these things that was hammered into me and is a residual thing I still do. I apologize for everything.)

And honestly, it’s really appreciated. It really doesn’t feel like it no, but the logical part of me does agree with you on that one. And I’m really glad you’re still around <3

Mo’s doing okay despite his arthosis, he was limping a little last week but the new food seems to be working and it’s slowly easing again. He seems to be a lot happier now.

Ooh, Spooky gift exchange sounds like a blast though! I was going to go ghost hunting but one of my friends has COVID at the moment and we’re going into a second intelligent lock down over here. 

(You’d think the Dutch would be better at social distancing and wearing masks... but- yeah, more and more people seem to be doing the typical annoying Dutch habit of me me me and fuck everybody else and I’m not going to be controlled by my government and wear a muzzle. And yeah, we have a semi-curfew now and Germany has already decided to close its border to us.)

So I definitely get how it might feel for you guys and I’m really sorry people are being dicks to you. If I could slap them I would. <3 

I’m glad you got to take a few days off though, sounds like it was really something you needed and I’m happy you got to tick some boxes.

Also this is the funniest thing I’ve read all day:

The most entertaining part was after I finally cleaned out my “bar cabinet” as such, and tossed all the old and/or opened liqueurs left by past roommates and guests that hadn’t been touched, in some cases, in years.  I didn’t toss everything, but it was a pretty fair amount, and as I was taking out my recycling afterwards I just kept praying I wouldn’t run into any neighbors lest they decide to stage an intervention (so…many…empty…bottles…)

Cause it kinda gives me the image of Noah doing that when he’s clearing out his own house to prepare for the move to the Hale house. And he clears out some of the old bottles of alcohol. And my brain keeps supplying the image where his family catches him in the act and stages an intervention for him.

Idk why that’s so funny to me.

Glad your neighbours didn’t catch you though XD.

It is kinda late over here too so I’mma head in and catch some zzzz’s. Hope your day went well!