#idk if anybody's done this but uhhh

[nikoforgot]

sonic designs based on the descriptions in sonic destruction the descriptions i wrote under keep reading

[purplesurveys]

1941

How many people have you liked this year? Zero.

How many pills do you take a day?  It's the same amount of people I've liked this year.

Do you have any celebrity crushes?  Sure.

If you could have one superpower, what would it be? I love the idea of teleportation so I never have to go through traffic.

Do you put ketchup on top of your French fries or on the side?  I'd put any dip on the side, but that being said I never liked tomato ketchup and have always preferred to have my fries with mayonnaise.

Where did you last sleep other than your house?  That would be the accommodations we stayed at in Cavite, when we had an event in the area the following day.

Where did you get your last bruise from?  I can never remember where exactly all my bruises come from, but it's always because I hit myself somewhere.

Is it okay to kiss people when you’re single?  Uhhh as long as the person you're kissing is also single, I guess.

Ever worn something of the opposite sex’s clothing? I don't think so.

Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?  Sure.

Last CD you blasted through your car stereo?  Idk might've been a Beyonce album a decade ago, lol. I haven't put on a CD in a car in years – I always use Bluetooth.

How many email accounts do you have?  Not counting my work email, I have two main ones. I also have a handful extra Gmails so I can use my Google Drives connected to those accounts to dump all the excess photos and videos from my phone, lol. I'd rather have 20 Drives than pay monthly for storage.

Who is the best cook in your family? My dad and both my grandmas.

Which baby animal is your favourite?  Puppies.

Have you ever carved a pumpkin?  No not practiced here.

When is the last time you went to a carnival?  I mean I went to Bà Nà Hills last June and it felt like a carnival with all the game booths and such, even though I'm pretty sure they don't advertise themselves as a carnival.

Do you have a favourite glass, cup, or mug?  Not really, no.

What branch of science interests you the most? Biology and anatomy.

Have you ever written anything longer than 10 pages?  My thesis, lol.

Twitter or Tumblr? Neither. Twitter is a gross cesspool now, and I only use Tumblr for surveys which barely makes it a favorite.

Have you ever been given a lapdance by an actual stripper?  Nope.

Favorite YouTuber? Jessica Lee!

Have you ever had a controlling boyfriend/girlfriend?  To an extent.

Have you ever written a love letter to someone as a joke? No.

Do you have any gay family members?  Nobody who's out, at least. But I dunno...I don't think so.

Was your first kiss romantic? Yeah.

Who was the last person to sleep over at your house?  That would be Reena.

What would you think if you found out your ex was gay?  She is, so this doesn't apply to me. I would be extremely, so very shocked though if she winds up straight. Just doesn't seem possible. She legitimately hates men to the point of misandry.

How many people has your best friend had sex with?  Just the one, I'm pretty sure.

When was the last time you had a conversation with an ex? That was like October or November of 2020.

Are you currently “appearing offline” to anybody?  I've been 'offline' on Facebook since around 2017.

What were you for Halloween last year? I can't remember what/who I went as.

Do you believe that karma can come back and slap you in the face?  Not actively, but it's possible.

Have you ever been to Texas?  I have not.

Do your siblings text you?  My sister never does, actually. She'll mostly message on Messenger.

Have you ever searched for your own house on Google Earth?   I've done that, yeah.

Did your last kiss end up with you and the person doing anything sexual?  I can't remember.

Who is your ex dating/talking to? I don't know.

Did you ever have to share a room with one of your siblings?  Yeah very briefly, but the room layout at the time felt forced and super cramped + my sister also hated sharing rooms lmao so that setup lasted all of like two weeks.

What happened at the last party you went to?  Rita celebrated her 25th and Jo and I just spent much of the evening catching up. We were the only two in the field of like 60 people who knew each other, so we stuck together lmao.

Have you ever completely misunderstood what somebody was saying?  Yeah.

When was the last time you felt ill? What was wrong?  A month ago, food poisoning that sucked the energy out of me. I don't know how I managed to drive myself back home as I was really feeling faint at the time. 

Who was your first best friend? Do you still speak to that person? Kaye, from kinder. We stopped talking as soon as she moved schools because there was no way to keep in contact.

Are you wearing anything that was given to you as a gift?  Sure.

What color is your jewelry box?  I don't own one.

Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged? No, they're family.

What is your brother/sister’s favourite food?  My sister can eat tubs of Jollibee spaghetti all day every day.

Do you have any ice cream in your freezer? We don't.

In your life, who is the person that seems to understand you the most?  Probably Angela.

Does anyone know your Facebook password?  Nope.

Would you ever consider getting a piercing in your septum?  No.

Do you enjoy being outdoors?  Uh, sure, as long as the weather is nice. But since the weather here sucks 365 days a year, I don't usually like being outdoors lmao.

What’re some unspeakable subjects for you?  I'm an open book and can talk about anything if prompted.

[starlightandetherealshadows]

OKAY SO … IDK IF THIS TOO MUCH BUT…

would any of the ros be down for uhhh.. heated sex?? not hate sex, more like an argument leading into .. that LMAO SORRY IF THIS IS TOO MUCH

(obviously after that, them & mc will actually work it out and talk about it)

Hi darling! ⋆｡ ﾟ☁︎｡ ⋆｡ ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡ ⋆

You should see some of the asks I get, trust me love this is not too much rflkermfkmgerlkmg THESE PEOPLE ARE ANIMALS!!! i love them tho...

down for having sex mid argument: Veronica/Vincent (raise your hand if you're surprised) they aren't into the touchy feely resolutions for disagreements, so they'd consider the sex the end of the argument anyway. "You done bitching, now? Great."

Xa'eks/Xa'veed would be endlessly amused by MC being so horny jksflkermfr especially if MC is the one in the wrong during the argument. They'd tease MC about it both during and after sex.

down for it with certain conditions: Zero. It would depend on what they're arguing about. Z can be a brat when they want to get under someone's skin, so if your MC wants to fuck the fight outta Z, be my guest! A lil attitude adjustment never hurt anybody!

But, if it's a serious argument, Z would want to find a common ground first. They hate being yelled at, so keep that in mind too. Raise your voice at them and the conversation is over. They shut down.

Ayana/Adriel get turned on by a heated argument especially if MC has some good points and is meeting them blow for blow. They get turned on by competence, so if MC is putting out the vibes, they'd absolutely be down.

However, you need to read their body language. If A is closed off and genuinely angry, oooo do not think they'd be down for that. It takes a lot for them to get to that level of anger, so tread carefully! MC would have to have messed up real bad.

resolve argument first, fuck later: Cecelia/Chase. They hate having arguments unresolved, and they won't be turned on while they're fighting with a partner. It stresses them out too much. They value open communication and trust. If you try to be flirtatious, they'll think you aren't taking their feelings seriously and it'll upset them further.

All my love,

Cheye

[ivydbomb]

I’m sad analog horror is dying. Especially since I got an idea for an interesting concept at work. Sighs and twirls my hair. If anybody wants to see the rant about my idea it’s under the cut.

So basically I was thinking something along the lines of a company creates a medicine that cures dementia/Alzheimers/any brain issue that causes memory loss. (Ooo how original, a company makes a cure for something in an analog horror series. I’m sure it won’t go terribly wrong 🙄 bear with me). It works incredibly well. A little.. too well. In fact this medicine gives people photographic memories. And they are able to recall things even a person without dementia could.

Now that’s all fine and dandy- but it gets more intense. All these old people on the medicine suddenly start spouting cryptic nonsense. (How spooky! Old people!). Things about how they remember the time before they were born. Lots of stuff about beginnings and endings. Yadda yadda. People think this medicine is messing with those who take it’s heads. It starts to get taken off shelves and a public service announcement is sounded telling everybody to get rid of the medicine.

The damage is already done though. Some people believe what the people on the medicine are saying. So an underground ring of selling this medicine forms. Now all sorts of people are basically going crazy. Remembering things they shouldn’t and such. The same company that made the medicine has also been developing memory scanning devices. They decide to take a peak inside the minds of those effected by the medicine. Bad decision. Any person that witnessed the memories of the person goes absolutely bonkers. Like just ‘saw an eldritch horror’ level of bonkers.

They claim to have seen the afterlife, and are hauled off to asylums cuz they just can’t be helped. So now everybody is panicking because their loved ones are more far gone than they were before and the scientists in charge of the project have all gone off the deep end. The government issues a few mandates and crack down on the no memory fixing medicine policy. Things start looking up. Going back to normal.

Then suddenly everything goes to sh!t. Plagues, fires, earthquakes, storms, the whole nine yards. It’s Armageddon. Whatever force responsible for the creation of man is mad they got a little looksy at their birthplace and afterlife via the use of the medicine. The medicine they were never supposed to be able to create. The ingenuity of mankind should never be underestimated. Even by a god.

Idk where to go from there. This is literally a bare bones idea. Idk. This is cringe I might delete it later. Uhhh yeah.

[cloudstongue]

i heard ur making playlists for friends…. Could you go more into detail about it (turning on anon cuz THIS IS SCARY

YEAH DONT WORRY DUDE I GET IT everything is scary to me

i mean really i make like playlists for anybody and stuff i js put specifically friendz bcuz i havent done anything else yet really. mostly friends ocs too

uh something that is really scary actually on that topic are receiving requests bc then im gonna wanna psychoanalyze your music taste/your ocs 🥰🥰 IT MUST BE PERFECT IT JUST HSBDJFBT

I probably wont do anythign tomorrow bcuz its the last day if school and thats a fun period and then its summer for the next days so you gotta fogure that out but like ik theres going to be so many days where im just rotting in my bed so ill probably do it 👍🏽👍🏽 but im being serious like please tell me your favorite artists and genres and songs fhfhfjg they are CRUCIAL…

also i really. love music. i wanna start composing soon, somewhere this summer but idk if that would be an unrealistic goal since i have like no motivation ever and 10 other goals i set for myself uhhh. im yapping too much the point is i do make silly little playlists bc i have no talent and i like giving gifts and i add goofy songs and give them to my goofy friends ❤️ if they let me psychoanalyze them and make it 48 hours long ❤️❤️❤️

(oh btdubs @zee-thezebra expect a playlist for scroll and quill)

[robertseanleonardthinker]

did i ever tell u guys abt how fucking insane working at a hotel was. i have photographic evidence of almost all of this, btw (if u wanna see free to ask lol. idk why u would tho)

i worked at a hotel for a good chunk of time directly after getting out of residential and i'm pretty sure it fucked me right back up

i was the only person there, besides the 2 or 3 housekeepers (who had their own work to do, they couldn't help me at all. i'm not mad abt that, tho. they had their own shit). i was running the hotel by myself essentially. 16, fresh out of residential, running this bitch myself. i was left alone on my 3rd shift.

my boss sucked for a handful of reasons. he was cheap. he whined on the phone to his parents a lot (he was in his early 20s), rarely helped when he was there, tried to get me to write a fake review for the hotel (which, if he just asked once, i wouldn't have rlly cared. but he kept pushing it and got mad at my answer. also lied abt it, saying everyone else did it when he hadn't even asked anybody else. he also asked my fucking parents???), wasn't even nice to the guests

the number of times i touched actual shit and piss was actually insane.

once this dude overflowed his toilet and sopped up the mess with towels. without saying what it was, he just handed the wad of wet, shitty towels to a housekeeper. that poor housekeeper was not wearing gloves. (i had to touch the shit towels next. thankfully i had time to get gloves)

someone shat their bed so violently it seeped through to the mattress. those sheets smelled so fucking bad. they also wiped their ass on a towel. no idea what was done abt the mattress

my last day, multiple people shit and pissed all over their sheets and comforters and towels. my boss made me bleach all of them and didn't help. the bleach combined with the piss made mustard gas and i felt like passing out.

people regularly let their dogs ruin rooms. a dog pissed all over a room once

someone left their dookie stained thong on the floor of their room once

too many people just left shit and piss in their toilet. they weren't clogged. just left there.

we had a lot of construction crews come stay there. one time we had this crew from new jersey i think. this one guy and his roommate would come down kinds regularly to ask questions. they weren't weirdos or anything, they were actually quite nice. but one time, one of the dudes came down alone and said "hey mamas" to me. i could tell that was just the way he talked, like he wasn't trying to hit on me or anything, but i was caught so off guard 😭 he was rlly nice, tho. he ended our convo with "appreciate you, mamas". if i remember right, he was asking me abt stuff he and his roommate could do with their girlfriends around town.

oh btw hotels do not normally wash their comforters, or at least, smaller hotels don't. so uhhh yeah don't use those

there's def more, but that's what i can remember rn

[thecryptidenthusiast]

15 Questions

Thank you for the tag @topaz-carbuncle !!

1. Were you named after anybody? 

Nope! I know my mom dreamed up my name, but as far as I know it wasn’t after anybody specific.

2. When was the last time you cried? 

Uhhh, yesterday lol. It’s not been Fun lately thanks to my head being a mess. I’ve been a little all over the place.

3. Do you have any kids?

Nope, and no plans on having any.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Not really? Maybe online here and there, but I feel like I miss sarcasm a lot so it’s not something I use often.

5. What sports do you play/have you played?

I played T-ball when I was really little (& the only thing I remember about it was most of us running the wrong way on the bases alskdldk). Nothing beyond that though!

6. What’s the first thing you notice about someone? 

Hair and then eye color

7. Eye colour? 

Hazel

8. Scary Movies or Happy Endings?

I love scary movies!! Most of my go-to movie choices are horror.

9. Any special talents?

I wouldn’t say I really have any particular talents lol, nothing special that stands out at least.

10. Where were you born?

Florida 😔

11. What are your hobbies?

Reading, writing, and video games. Nothing super exciting lol

12. Do you have any pets?

Five cats. Two siblings named Frankie and Louie, and then three litter mate black cats named Jacob, Shay, and Evie 💙💙

13. How tall are you?

5’10

14. Favorite subject in school?

English. History depending on the class (loved world history and art history, hated US history).

15. Dream job?

I don’t really have one? Something that pays me enough that I’m comfortable. And where I don’t ever have to answer a phone lol.

Tagging (idk who’s done this, so if you have just ignore the tag!!): @queerdetectiveblue @ava-du-mortain @galpalaven

Only if you want to of course!

[nnugatoryextravagance]

wait are you pro para? I was scared of reblogging pro para stuff because I thought you were gonna block me in particular 😭 Idk if Ive ever seen you rb pro para stuff so I just assumed

Ok this got longer than I meant it to so uhhh read more tab blast GO

My stance will forever be as long as you aren't commiting federal crimes, enabling someone committing those crimes, or directly hurting anybody (human or animal) I generally cannot be assed what you get up to on your free time unless you get me unwillingly involved

(I hope to god its obvious what I mean by "committing federal crimes" in this context here by the way, indulgences of the underaged variety to be clear, the number one thing I will never tolerate under any circumstances and I refuse to waver on this)

I don't try to actively indulge in "pro para" content however or want to call myself that in those terms or whatever because 1. I admit I'm still relatively unfamiliar with the term and have extreme trust issues and I've been online long enough to know exactly how not so great people can potentially use that term in horrible ways and I'm not looking to risk putting myself in danger again (while I'm still in the middle of recovery no less) (I'm cripplingly paranoid) 2. I still refuse to get myself involved in potential discourse if I can help it (I'm cripplingly paranoid) and 3. especially because im honest to god so fucking tired of delegating my opinions to this-and-that buzzwords that can mean anything depending on whos looking at me because- not trying to make you or anyone else feel bad, genuinely, because I know why ya do it -but assumptions about me are the bane of my existence and have done nothing but start shit for me and I am exhausted, I much prefer being asked directly my opinions on things instead, I'm not the type to intentionally hide these things (unless its for my safety obviously)

Anyway I feel like I aged 25 years making this post I'm going to go take my pain meds and go to bed, apologies for the fuckin essay length post I have a lot of thoughts about things and stuff

if anyone wants me to clarify anything or vice versa when I'm more awake and in better charge of my mental faculties feel free to go to my inbox I guess, but for now I need sleep its midnight as im posting this lmao.

[m1d-45]

Any advice for writing Genshin fanfics? Asking because I have a lil fanfic side blog and I want to start posting Genshin stuff, but nervous

imma be straight up…. i don’t know what i’m doing-

Seven Points to Success(™️) beneath the readmore

hi :) i have no idea how to tumblr :))

in all honesty, i started posting bc i wanted this as a sort of archive for all the shit i write. i have a habit of deleting docs i don’t like and eventually wishing i didn’t so i could read them, so i figured what better motivator to write and encouragement that no, this isn’t shit, then the internet?

i guess that’s my first point: don’t write for anybody but yourself. write what you want, and then post it in case somebody else likes it. otherwise, you’ll probably end up losing motivation and getting burnt out. write what you want, and don’t be embarrassed to do so.

two: as with any fanfic, get to know the characters! please! the last thing you want is for readers to be flung out of a story because somebody was out of character. the genshin wiki is a goldmine!! the voice lies can give you an idea as to how a character speaks, and their story will let you in on, well, their story.

uhhh three: grammar. this isn’t pointed at you specifically, just genuinely… please refresh yourself on grammar rules. fics could have an excellent premise, but it’s not gonna be read if everything is a run on, with multiple speakers per paragraph.

what not to do:

“isn’t the sunset pretty?” kazuha said his hand brushing yours. “it is”, you agreed leaning into his shoulder. “i knew you’d like it” he smiled.

^ don’t do that. don’t. paragraph changes every time someone new speaks, and commas go before the quote.

in addition, try reading out your dialogue (out loud or in your head doesn’t matter) to check it sounds real, and like it’s in that characters ‘voice.’ kinda goes hand in hand with point 2.

(minor point: while some grammar rules can be bent or a bit fudged—such as my entirely writing in lowercase and excessive use of commas—there are lines that cannot be crossed. that sounds serious but all it means is that some fundamentals need to be followed.)

point 3.5: use a readmore. please. do it. if you’re on mobile, click an empty line, type ‘:readmore:’, then hit enter. idk how to do it on desktop but please. do it. everybody will thank you. i will personally thank you. just type out a title, summary, maybe a paragraph of the fic to get readers hooked, then a readmore. makes everybody happy, and it’s easier to navigate your blog that way.

point four: practice! please please please practice. you will get better with time. trust me. i am sitting you down, handing you a warm drink, and asking you to promise to keep writing. just do it. it’s gonna be bad sometimes. it’s gonna make you cringe when you look back on it. whatever. keep. writing.

obviously don’t burn yourself out, but if you’ve got an idea, open up a doc and start writing. what starts as an idea put to page tends to spiral into fics for me, but even if it doesn’t for you, you have started. you have done the hardest part. you can keep going, i promise, you can always rewrite what you don’t like.

take it from me: i start every fic as a short blurb outlining the idea, and always have to redo the introduction for tumblr to neaten it into something presentable. it doesn’t matter if it isn’t perfect, it just has to work.

if you don’t like your sentence structures, vary the length of your sentences. short. long. semicolons, m dashes, paragraphs in parentheses, it doesn’t matter. if you don’t like your word choices, pop open a thesaurus and find a different word. do not do this for every single word ever, obviously, but if you’re using the same word over and over, it might be better to have some synonyms in mind. additionally, they can make the emotional points stronger—i.e. ‘cried’ vs ‘sobbed’—or emphasize the point you want to make more—like ‘hissed’ vs ‘seethed’.

the point above does not apply to ‘said’. ‘said’ is not dead. obviously use dialogue tags, but also use ‘said’. everybody who says ‘said is dead’ is a liar and a fraud. it is okay to use ‘said’. ‘said’ ‘say’ and ‘says’ are our beloveds.

(minor point: i use apostrophes as quotations as a stylistic choice, but you never use these in technical, grammatically correct writing. “he said ‘purposeful,’ so it wasn’t an accident.” <- that is not a grammatically correct line of dialogue, but it’s how i would stylize it. this is just to let you know that i am not grammatically correct—after all, i type entirely in lowercase because i think it looks better, so…)

point five: tag things! but don’t over tag them. tag whats relevant, tag whats important, and nothing else. i don’t know how to draw the line here bc it can get blurry, but try reading a fanfic and then looking to see what was tagged if this is confusing. tag whats relevant so people can find things, and leave out stuff unrelated so others can scroll through that tag in peace.

(minor point: tag warnings if your piece contains triggering topics. i’ve seen varying opinions as to how obvious these warnings should be, but at the very least some form of tag about it is courteous, in my opinion)

(minor point 2: if you write ‘x reader’s—you didn’t specify, but you asked me for advice, so—then please, please, pretty please, mark your readers gender. it’s ok if you solely write fem! reader, but please just say so. nobody wants to enter a fic only to get hit with the she/her without warning. i didn’t do this for a while because i solely write for a gn reader w/ you/yours pronouns, but i know better now. tag your readers. write what you want, just make sure others can find it too)

point 6: organize. do it. i know it can be annoying but pls. a masterlist saves lives. mine isn’t the best example but hey, it works.

in the same vein, have a navigation post pinned, with stuff like rules, whether requests are open, a link to the masterlist, and whatever else you deem important. again, mine isn’t the best example, but it works. this way, people can easily find your works, and return to where they were if you write a series/ a lot in general.

point seven: take everything i just said with a grain of salt, no matter how small. i am just one guy. i don’t know everything. i don’t even know what i do know. you think i know how i have almost a thousand followers? no. i just write about boys i find pretty and put them online for the internet to read. maybe you write best by solely writing for the community. maybe you work completely off any sort of schedule. i don’t know. i’m not you.

you are you. you know you best. take breaks, take care of yourself, and just go for it. i promise, the worst that can happen is that nothing happens. you’ll be okay. you can do it.

— midas.

(p.s.: sorry if this reads particularly incoherent i have an illness again :) sick three times within three months, call that f2p luck)

[asherasgayagenda]

NO I REFUSE TO ACCEPT DOUBLE FACE DISBANDMENT. cmon ashe. if they break up double face they won’t have anybody to take care of corrupt businesspeople and other assorted threats to ensemble square and ibara’s probably going to amp up the psychological warfare and start killing people again and nobody wants that

i like how thats the first thing you think of. uhhh actually i don't think im qualified to respond bc i havent even read dark nights passing (sob) or the df ss arc

maybe ibara has mellowed out. idk what is happening in canon at the time of bye bye buddy but maybe. maybe shit is done with

[yesterdayiwrote]

It is race two and I already want to scream into the void.

Lewis preaches understanding and compassions and mental health: yet some of his rabid fans already coming for George over none existent team orders in both races. Can the man not get a break.

The stewarding is a mess, and nothing can topple Red Bulls advantage - try again in 2026 I guess 😂

Not that this particularly matters but clearly whatever civil relationship Lewis and George had with each other is now gone

I genuinely want George away from Mercedes who clearly throw him to the wolves and don’t care.

Honestly, this year feels like a slog already and I’m struggling to know how I’m going to care for 9 more months of this.

Bahrain I felt kinda chill about everything, this weekend I felt just kind of pissed off about the whole thing which I think is maybe partially a me thing but obviously the FIA clownery doesn’t help matters.

I’ll level with you, I came into this season feeling like ‘I’m going to chill a bit on having a specific blorbo this year’ cos honestly at times it feels a bit like having a houseplant where you have to feed and water them and remember to put them in the sun and whisper sweet nothings at them to encourage them to grow and blossom and you have to protect them from aphids that want to suck the sap from them and if you’re lucky at the end of it they’ll come into bloom and have a good race.

Then this race the second I saw people being dicks the ‘uhhh excuse me, how dare you, my blorbo has never done anything to anybody in HIS LIFE’ mindset kicked back in so that’s worked out well… I felt extra sorry for him over the podium debacle, especially seeing people gloating about it being taken away from him, like hadn’t spent the entire time saying ‘Dunno, feels a bit harsh, think it’s a bit unfair?’

I’m definitely struggling to get the enthusiasm up for this year. The same podium 2 races running isn’t filling me with excitement and as I’ve said before, it’s the two teams with probably my four least favourite drivers so… yeah not the greatest incentive at the moment!

Idk what’s going on behind the scenes at Merc. They all need their heads banging together a little bit. It definitely doesn’t seem as cosy as last year but who knows maybe looks are deceiving. They always say threes a crowd so maybe it’s just the change in dynamic 🤷🏼‍♀️

[pesterloglog]

Roxy Lalonde, Dave Strider, Kanaya Maryam, Karkat Vantas

Page 43

ROXY: mm hm

ROXY: mhmm

ROXY: ...

ROXY: yep

ROXY: ...

ROXY: oh yeah

ROXY: for sure

ROXY: you too jake

ROXY: thanks man

ROXY: yeah well let u know what were gonna do

ROXY: later

ROXY: poor guy

DAVE: whatd he say

ROXY: a lot of it was hard to make out due to all the sobbing

ROXY: but yeah its like we thought

ROXY: dirk borrowed one of his ships and gtfo

KANAYA: But Did He Say WHERE

ROXY: nope

ROXY: doubt he told anybody tbh

ROXY: in fact id say odds are even he doesnt quite know where hes goin yet

DAVE: why do you think that

ROXY: idk i just know the guy

ROXY: also like

ROXY: whats even out there??

ROXY: dudes got a ship and now hes haulin ass randomly about w rose to i dunno

ROXY: prove some sort of point?

KANAYA: What About Jane

KARKAT: WE AREN’T CALLING JANE!

KANAYA: Why Not

KARKAT: BECAUSE I WOULDN’T BELIEVE A SINGLE WORD THAT COMES OUT OF HER FAT, FASCIST MOUTH!

KANAYA: Thats Stupid Im Calling Her

KANAYA: I Dislike The Woman As Well But I Will Leave No Possibility Unexhausted In Striving To Rescue My Wife From That Madman

DAVE: so uhhh

DAVE: phewww...

DAVE: rose and dirk huh

ROXY: YUP

DAVE: rose and fuckin dirk...

DAVE: damn

DAVE: so are they

DAVE: like

DAVE: man im never gonna hear the end of it if im the one to ask this question am i

DAVE: ive had too many fuckin goofy dumbass foot in mouth family blunders to be the guy asking this fuckin question

DAVE: and yet here i am

DAVE: asking it

ROXY: ????

ROXY: what r u talkin about

DAVE: you know...

DAVE: are they like

DAVE: TOGETHER?

ROXY: what????

DAVE: you know

DAVE: like

KARKAT: WHAT THIS DUMBASS IS ASKING IS IF THEY’RE DOING HUMAN INTERCOURSE ACTIVITIES.

ROXY: oh my god??

DAVE: karkat

DAVE: please

ROXY: omg...

ROXY: karkat theyre related

ROXY: humans dont do that when theyre related to each other ok

KARKAT: DON’T TALK DOWN TO ME. I’M NOT A FUCKING WRIGGLER.

KARKAT: I’M FAMILIAR WITH YOUR CONCEPT OF “HUMAN INCEST.”

ROXY: !!!

DAVE: yeah ok not to be that guy even though im totally being that guy

DAVE: if it never happened we wouldnt have a word for it

ROXY: i rly dont think...

ROXY: i mean

ROXY: they WOULDNT

ROXY: theres no way. it makes no sense

ROXY: for one... dirk is gay

ROXY: and isnt rose gay too???

DAVE: yeah idk if anybody knows what roses deal is exactly

DAVE: of all of us who couldve ended up eloping to have illicit incestuous relations they definitely wouldve been the last two idve put my money on

DAVE: and yet

DAVE: it sure is real fuckin weird what they seem to have gone off and done isnt it

ROXY: uggghhhh

ROXY: dont even say that

ROXY: just thinkin about it makes my skin crawl

KARKAT: YOU GUYS ARE SO FUCKING WEIRD ABOUT THIS.

KARKAT: LIKE, SERIOUSLY? THAT’S THE ISSUE HERE?

KARKAT: THE SHITHEAD WENT AND STOLE KANAYA’S MATESPRIT, APPARENTLY BY MYSTICALLY UNDERHANDED MEANS.

KARKAT: THERE’S PRACTICALLY NO LIMIT TO THE DIMENSIONS WE COULD BE GETTING ANGRY ABOUT THIS ON.

KARKAT: BUT HERE WE ARE INSTEAD, DOING THIS POINTLESS THING YOU PEOPLE ALWAYS DO WHEN IT COMES TO “INCEST.”

DAVE: us people??

KARKAT: I KNOW, I KNOW! I’M A FUCKING XENOPHOBE! LET’S JUST ALL AGREE I’M A BIG SHITTY XENOPHOBE ABOUT THIS, AND MOVE ON.

ROXY: jfc

ROXY: HAY KANAYA HOWS THAT PHONE CALL GOIN

KANAYA: Janes Chief Of Staff Has Put Me On Hold

KANAYA: It Seems My Solicitation Does Not Register As A Priority In This Administration

KANAYA: I Cannot Say I Am Surprised

KARKAT: TELL HER TO REGISTER MY HEAVING BULGE AS A PRIORITY!!!!!

KANAYA: I Will Not Tell Her That

KARKAT: ANYWAY, YOU GUYS ARE ALL SO FUCKED UP ABOUT THIS, THAT’S ALL I’M SAYING.

KARKAT: THIS IS OBJECTIVELY NOT THE WORST THING ABOUT THIS SCENARIO. IT’S NOT EVEN A REMOTELY NOTABLE FACTOR!

KARKAT: WHY ARE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT THIS? IT’S SO FUCKING PERFORMATIVE.

KARKAT: IS THERE SOMETHING YOU’RE TRYING TO PROVE BY CONSTANTLY COMPETING TO BE THE MOST SCANDALIZED BY YOUR OWN COMPLETELY ARBITRARY SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS???

ROXY: yo dogs i know we get up to some jank barrelbottom as fuck convos sometimes but this one..... I D even K anymore

ROXY: i know yr an alien and all but in these dire straits can we maybe not “riff” on the subject of fuckin incest

ROXY: fwiw the shit really does bug the hell outta me

ROXY: if i can confirm on behalf of my species that yeah the idea kinda sucks according to pretty much literally everybody could we agree to stop talkin about it

KARKAT: SEE, THIS IS WHAT I’M FUCKING TALKING ABOUT!

KARKAT: YOU GREW UP ONE OF TWO HUMANS ON YOUR ENTIRE PLANET. WHERE THE FUCK DO YOU GET ANY FRAME OF REFERENCE FOR THIS SHIT!?!

KARKAT: ADMIT IT. YOU ONLY PRETEND TO BE BOTHERED BY THIS BECAUSE YOUR HUMAN SOCIETY TELLS YOU THAT YOUR PERFORMANCE OF DISGUST IS VIRTUOUS.

ROXY: ummmmmmmmmmmmm

ROXY: lmao

ROXY: dude

ROXY: no

KARKAT: ALSO, EXCUSE ME, BUT CAN I JUST FUCKING ASK...

KARKAT: SINCE WHEN DID YOU START COSPLAYING AS DAVE??

DAVE: dude

KARKAT: WHAT?

ROXY: lol

DAVE: do you even fucking know anything

DAVE: youre a ham brained bonerstooge who doesnt know anything arent you

DAVE: im very sorry roxy that my ham brained bonerstooge of a boyfriend doesnt know fuck all about jack dick

ROXY: its ok hes like

ROXY: fuckin right

ROXY: i get mistaken for u like... well its been happening

ROXY: i shoulda known lmao

ROXY: i really thought all the pink im wearin would help with that

ROXY: idk ill keep messin with it

DAVE: no you look great

DAVE: like super duper duper great

DAVE: just perfect like i could not possibly be more proud of your fashion choices

KARKAT: CHRIST.

KARKAT: DAVE, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU’RE ABOUT TO KISS YOUR MOTHER JUST TO “PROVE ME WRONG”!

ROXY: !!

DAVE: first of all

DAVE: roxys not my “mother” anymore hes

DAVE: wait

DAVE: roxy did we actually decide on the protocol on what im supposed to call you

DAVE: i literally have no comprehension of the etiquette here

DAVE: because youre technically my bio mom but its not as if i literally came out of your vagina or anything

DAVE: and like

DAVE: well considering whats going down right now im not too attached to the sanctity of dirk being my dad

DAVE: you can formally replace him as my daddy right now if you want

ROXY: ummmmmmmmmm

KARKAT: WOW! THE WOKEMASTER IS ON FUCKING FIRE FOLKS! HE’LL BE HERE ALL NIGHT!!!

DAVE: oh stfu

DAVE: what is your problem why are you acting like this

KARKAT: ACTING LIKE WHAT????

DAVE: like a huge belligerent dickhead

DAVE: are you craving attention is that it

DAVE: did i get you hooked

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

DAVE: i see how it is

DAVE: you got one hot hit of sincerity from your fresh boy dave and now youre itching in your pants every second you go without it

DAVE: you know if you want to hold my hand or some shit you can just do it now

KARKAT: I HAVE NO DESIRE TO DO THAT. AT ALL.

DAVE: come on our relationship doesnt have to be a ludicrous unending performance of emotional constipation anymore

DAVE: we got character developed bitch

DAVE: cmere

KARKAT: ??? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? GET AWAY FROM ME!

DAVE: no

DAVE: christ youre like a flighty little muskrat stop squirming

KARKAT: GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME YOU SMELLY BAG OF SHIT! I HATE YOU!

DAVE: no way no you dont

DAVE: you looooooooove me

DAVE: were gonna be together foorreeevveeerrr

KARKAT: OH MY GOD, SHUT THE FUCK UP!

DAVE: and im gonna profess my undying love to you in the form of a kiiiiiiiiiiiissss

KARKAT: NOOO!!!!

ROXY: awwwwwww

ROXY: u boys cute :)

DAVE: hey can you just forget you saw that thanks

ROXY: hehe

ROXY: thank u

DAVE: for what

ROXY: for doin somethin that turned that steaming dogshit fire of an incest conversation into somethin that just made me feel v v happy

ROXY: if only for a fleetin moment in these dark AF times

KARKAT: DON’T MENTION IT

KANAYA: If Jane Is To Be Trusted Apparently She Didnt Even Know Dirk Was Gone

KANAYA: She Doesnt Know Where He Might Be Headed Either

KANAYA: Or She Wont Tell Us

DAVE: well shit

KARKAT: I’M SO FUCKING SURPRISED.

KARKAT: ALRIGHT, THEN WHAT DO WE DO?

KANAYA: I Dont Know

ROXY: hey does anyone know where the hell john is

DAVE: oh yeah

DAVE: good question

KARKAT: WASN’T HE ON SOME “MISSION”?

KARKAT: WHATEVER HAPPENED WITH THAT

DAVE: that was a rose thing

DAVE: she was cagey as fuck about it

DAVE: and now shes gone so we cant even ask her

DAVE: so uh

DAVE: damn

KARKAT: HE’S NOT ANSWERING HIS PHONE.

ROXY: yea ive tried too

DAVE: oh yeah i forgot

DAVE: john would solve our whole problem wouldnt he

DAVE: just zap us all right into dirks ship with his retcon powers

DAVE: thats how that works right

ROXY: maybe???

ROXY: i think he should be here regardless and catch up with the situation

ROXY: gettin kinda worried about him

KARKAT: YEAH.

ROXY: i ran into terezi the other day and she hadnt seen him either

DAVE: oh shit terezis back?

KARKAT: WHAT??

ROXY: o yeah

ROXY: i didnt mention cause

ROXY: guess i just thought u knew?

ROXY: i assumed she woulda got in touch

DAVE: nope

KARKAT: NOBODY EVER FUCKING TELLS US ANYTHING!

KARKAT: IT SEEMS LIKE KIND OF A GIGANTIC FUCKING DEAL THAT TEREZI CAME BACK TO EARTH???

DAVE: kanaya did you know about this

KANAYA: Yes

KANAYA: I Also Assumed You Knew

ROXY: im givin her a call to see if she knows anything about all this

ROXY: aaaaand shes not pickin up either :\

DAVE: what the fuck is even going on anymore

KARKAT: UM

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS JADE DOING?

DAVE: huh

KARKAT: THAT’S CREEPY RIGHT?

KARKAT: TELL ME I’M NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THAT’S CREEPY.

ROXY: yeh its a bit spooky

ROXY: thats how it is when she gets like this

KANAYA: What Is She Pointing At

DAVE: oh oh

DAVE: i think i know whats up

DAVE: shes tryin to say theres something important over that way

DAVE: is that right jade

DAVE: can you hear me??

DAVE: jade is it john?

DAVE: johns that way right

DAVE: you want us to go in that direction to find john

DAVE: is that it jade?

DAVE: come on

DAVE: what is it girl tell me

ROXY: omg dave

ROXY: youre treating her like a dog!

DAVE: ok yeah youre right

DAVE: i guess i fuckin suck

DAVE: but she IS a dog ok?

DAVE: a doggy girl whos trying to tell us something

DAVE: just lemme do my thing here

ROXY: .....

DAVE: jade give me a little yelp if johns that way and we should go after him

DAVE: just a little woof

DAVE: if johns in danger yiff twice plz

ROXY: DAVE!

DAVE: shhhhhh!

DAVE: maybe its not john that way maybe its...

DAVE: jade is it...

DAVE: is that where DIRK went?

DAVE: THATS IT

DAVE: thats the way dirk went and she wants us to follow

DAVE: ok wow

DAVE: but what about john

DAVE: is john safe?

DAVE: is john...

DAVE: does he have anything to do with whats going on?

DAVE: what about terezi?

DAVE: is like

DAVE: is john WITH them?

DAVE: jade is john on the ship with dirk and rose??

KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK DID THAT MEAN.

DAVE: it means...

DAVE: i think it means im right

DAVE: dont ask me how i know

DAVE: but i think i got the answers out of her we need

DAVE: dirk and rose are on a ship heading that way

DAVE: and for some fucking reason johns along for the ride

DAVE: we need to saddle the fuck up

DAVE: and wherever we go i think were going to need to bring jade along

KARKAT: RIGHT!

KARKAT: KANAYA, GET JAKE ENGLISH ON THE PHONE.

KANAYA: Okay

KANAYA: Why

KARKAT: BECAUSE WE NEED TO BORROW ONE OF HIS SHIPS.

KARKAT: WE’RE GOING TO GET YOUR *FUCKING WIFE* BACK.

[godsofhumanity]

wtffff i literally never got notified about this tag i hate this site... sorry for leaving u on unread @possiblyhomer and thank u for tagging me <333

Are you named after anyone? Uhm, no not really. but i think my dad was a fan of the song "Anya" by Deep Purple, so u know. add a "v", and there we go.

When was the last time you cried? UHHH. idk. but i've cried more in the past 4 years (when i started uni), than my entire life (i have lived 2 decades). do with that what you will.

Do you have kids? helll nawwww

Do you use sarcasm a lot? nope. i've never been sarcastic in my life.

What sports do you play/have you played? swimming, netball, soccer, speed skating. but i have done none of these since finishing high school.

What’s the first thing you notice about people? their skin i think. that's so weird. but idk. maybe their eyes? if they talk a lot or not.

Eye color? brown :-))

Scary movie or happy ending? both? both is good. happy movie with a scary ending!!!!!!!!!!

Any special talents? i can do that clover thing with my tongue! when you bunch it up and it looks like a clover. i can make the vulcan hand sign. im good at being an idiot.

Where were you born? australia

What are your hobbies? people don't know this about me, but i'm pretty into mythology.

Do you have any pets? i used to have a cat ^-^

How tall are you? like 155 cm or something.

Fave subject in school? MODERN HISTORY AND ENGLISH (*proceeds to choose engineering as her university degree which requires neither modern history or english literature analysis skills*)

Dream job? honestly? i'd just like a job i was actually interested in that could make money.

i'm using this tag game as my mutuals-check-up, so im tagging: @lifeofroos @localgreekmythologywh0re (sry i think u already got tagged but im just going through the list), @greekschist (if u see this), @greek-mythographer, @mytho-nerd, @15pantheons, @rikusqueenofhearts, @sukizula (its been ages, but i was thinking about u- i hope ur well <3), @incorrectgreekgods (i saw u posting again 👀, hope ur well too <3).. and anybody else who would like to!

15 questions for 15 mutuals

tagged by @darthdutton, thank you so much for the fun tag game and sorry I took so long to get to it! I’ve been on a much needed social media fast 🙏🏼.

are you named after anyone? No, I don’t think so. I think my dad just didn’t like my almost-name and liked the idea of me being “victorious”. Turns out the only way I’ve lived up to my name is by owning a bunch of dolls, wanting to be treated like a Queen and wanting to meet my Albert.

when was the last time you cried? um. In the shower about a week ago? I had to euthanize my 15 year old dog and I was suddenly struck by the grief of her loss since she’s been in my life for so long. 

do you have kids? I have three kittens.

do you use sarcasm a lot? only all the time.

what sports do you play/have you played?  Anything in physical education class at school. I always sucked at sports and was the last one to get picked when making teams. It was so embarrassing lol. I’m a good skier tho!

what’s the first thing you notice about other people? idk, great question! I’ll pay more attention.

eye color? Dark brown.

scary movies or happy endings? Scary movies! Nothing against happy endings but… they gotta be realistic for me to like them.

any special talents? Overthinking.

where were you born? Wouldn’t you like to know?!!!!!! Even though I was raised in Mexico, I was born in the United States. I am privileged with a USAmerican passport.

what are your hobbies? watching anime, reading, writing, listening to music, dancing,trying out new restaurants/cafes, going on trips ( hate to copy ,but damn we do have the same taste x2)

do you have any pets? More like too many pets. I just euthanized my Min Pin, so now I only have 4 cats and a Border Collie. But I’ll be giving up 2 of the kittens up for adoption and most likely releasing Momo (the mom) once I spay her. 

how tall are you? Wouldn’t you like to know?!!!!! Average height in the US, tall in Mexico.

fave subject in school? Psychology, Math, Cultural Anthropology, Linguistics

dream job? idk because I’ve had amazing jobs where I felt so lucky to get paid to do work that I do but I’ve evolved… it used to be Marketing but I would like to get paid to use my Psychology nerdery next.

No pressure tags @justafrenchlondoner @sixth-vip @noa-ciharu @yamat0 @momoyamaguchi @linkspooky @incensuous @queen-asiad @ashleyfonthescreamofcreation

[danphil]

hhhhhhhhaaaaaaa

[pawacelsus]

I really like how monster hunter (specifically world, since I've only played that and tri) makes even the smallest hits feel powerful. I remember seeing the game slow just a bit as I smashed in the head of a great jagras for the first time and just feeling like a fucking God, even though it did only like. 20 damage.

[hornime]

watch and learn | iwaizumi hajime x f!reader x team japan

there were two things they all had in common: the growing bulges in their pants that they were urgently trying to distract themselves from, and the fact that their full attention was on you.

warnings: 18+, timeskip!everyone, BIG MANGA SPOILERS BASICALLY, exhibitionism, voyeurism, orgasm denial

w/c: 3.1k

a/n: now i don’t know if iwaizumi hajime (27) athletic trainer learned about female orgasms when he was studying sports science at irvine BUT he def knows how to show a girl a good time which is reason enough for me to write this. also, i read this article to prep for this piece and it was super enlightening, so i do recommend giving it a read if you’re interested!

in the middle of his morning run, iwaizumi slowed momentarily to check the repetitive buzzing of this phone, curious as to who was messaging him this early. when he’d left the apartment, you were sleeping, and you had the tendency to still be sleeping by the time he returned, so who else could it be?

he unlocked his phone, quickly finding the source of the notifications: the team japan group chat.

[06:43 AM] miya: hey @iwaizumi—you know stuff abt the human body right?

[06:43 AM] miya: cus like you studied it in college and shit??

iwaizumi rolled his eyes. i spent four years in america to earn my degree, came back home to support my country’s olympic team, and dealt with the biggest idiots of volleyball, only to get treated like this?

[06:44 AM] iwaizumi: yes, miya. i took many courses on the human body. in fact that’s the purpose of my job. to know the human body. because i am a fucking athletic trainer.

[06:44 AM] miya: okay okay i get it. dumb question

[06:44 AM] iwaizumi: why? is something up? you need help or anything?

[06:44 AM] miya: uhhh kinda

[06:44 AM] miya: @hinata i’m not fucking asking this

[06:44 AM] bokuto: bro just do it

[06:44 AM] miya: @hinata @hinata @hinata 

iwaizumi cocked an eyebrow. what the hell are they going on about?

[06:45 AM] iwaizumi: so am i needed or...

[06:45 AM] hinata: YES

[06:45 AM] hinata: we had a question

[06:46 AM] sakusa: by “we” he means him, miya, and bokuto

[06:46 AM] suna: yeah don’t bring us into this

[06:46 AM] hinata: don’t listen to them! both suna and sakusa wanna know too

[06:46 AM] iwaizumi: okay. what’s up

[06:47 AM] hinata: we wanted to know how to make a girl cum

he chuckled in disbelief.

[06:47 AM] iwaizumi: you’re telling me that you guys are in your mid-20s, literal olympic athletes, and you don’t know how to make a girl cum

[06:47 AM] iwaizumi: have you never done it before??

[06:47 AM] miya: NO

[06:47 AM] miya: FOR THE RECORD IVE MADE MANY GIRLS CUM

[06:48 AM] bokuto: ME TOO

[06:48 AM] bokuto: i think

he laughed out loud, briefly startling another runner on the sidewalk.

[06:48 AM] iwaizumi: you guys are unbelievable

[06:48 AM] hinata: i mean she says she finished but idk what i did to make that happen

[06:48 AM] bokuto: ^^

[06:48 AM] hinata: so like i wanna know how to actually do it

[06:48 AM] suna: actually im kinda interested in this too

[06:48 AM] aran: i pray for your future girlfriends. this is painful to see. im out

[06:48 AM] kageyama: i’m with aran on this one. you guys are dumb

[06:48 AM] hinata: shut up. you suck.

[06:48 AM] miya: cmon iwaizumi, help a guy out

[06:48 AM] sakusa: it wouldnt hurt for you to give us some pointers at least

iwaizumi sighed.

[06:49 AM] iwaizumi: @miya @hinata @bokuto @suna @sakusa meet in the locker room after practice. ill give you guys a lesson in the art of pleasing a woman

to teach effectively, he needed a volunteer, though he was sure you wouldn’t need much convincing. you’d always loved the attention, and the biceps, of the pro athletes. he spun on his heel and jogged home.

you woke up to the sound of your apartment door opening, your boyfriend creeping inside, forehead damp with sweat.

“hey,” you said quietly, making your way towards him.

“hey, baby. sorry for waking you up, i was trying to be quiet.”

you giggled sleepily. “s’okay, haji. you spoil me too much anyway, always letting me sleep in for hours while you’re off doing god knows what.”

at that, his eyes crinkled in amusement, and as you tried to step into a hug, he shuffled back. “woah there, baby. i gotta shower, ‘m all gross from my run. and then,” he gave you a peculiar look that you couldn’t quite place, “i got a proposition for you.”

after his shower, he waltzed out of the bathroom, steam wafting out from behind the door. his tanned body made you feel things you definitely shouldn’t be barely an hour after the sun’s risen, and you reached out to massage the tension in his shoulders. “so, what’s your proposition?”

“well,” he hesitated. “it’s a bit... unconventional. the team asked me to show them how to make a girl cum,” he took in your intrigued expression. “and it’d be a lot easier to explain if i had someone to do a live demonstration with. so,” his eyes flicked up to you. “that’s where you’d come in.”

“a... live demonstration? like you’re gonna make me cum in front of them?”

“yeah, essentially.” he gave you a devilish grin. “you want that, baby? wanna show those boys how a real man treats a gorgeous woman like you?”

you rubbed your thighs at his words. “yeah,” you purred. “i do. wanna show them how good you are to me.”

and that’s how you found yourself nestled between iwaizumi’s muscled thighs, back pressed against his chest, completely naked, with five of japan’s best volleyball players staring at your body in awe.

practically an expert in his field, iwaizumi knew the human body inside and out. this had many benefits; of course it allowed him to catapult up the ranks and work with the country’s best athletes to keep them at the top of their game, but it also had a unique side effect: an overwhelming vault of knowledge on how to make a woman feel good anywhere. 

you’d seen the proof firsthand; he knew exactly where to push, prod, stroke, and tease to have you cumming in seconds, over and over, as many times as you wanted. he was amazing, and you were well-aware just how lucky you were to have such a talented man in the sheets.

“oi,” iwaizumi snapped his fingers, drawing each of the players’ eyes away from your glistening cunt. “pay attention. i know more than anybody that she’s hot as fuck, but you gotta listen to what i’m saying or else there’s no point to this.”

he lightly pressed his lips against your collarbone, slowly tracing them against your jaw, the contact making you squirm. “if you wanna make a girl cum, first thing you gotta do is make her comfortable. if she’s worried about how she looks or sounds or smells she’s gonna be too stressed to let go.” he moved his hands to grope your tits, his calloused fingers brushing over your hardening nipples. “so reassure her, tell her how irresistible she is, how pretty her moans are, how tasty her pussy is. shit like that. the sexier she feels the better it’ll be.”

he leaned into you, whispering into your ear. “feeling good, baby? we can stop whenever.”

you nodded weakly, afraid to open your mouth, barely holding in your whines as his palms worked wonders on your chest and stomach, sending shocks of heat wherever they touched. 

you craned your neck up to observe the men before you. atsumu was flushed red, wringing his hands as if he was worried they’d do something embarrassing if he didn’t keep them occupied. hinata was bouncing his leg up and down, wiping his palms on his shorts as he took in the plushness of your thighs. bokuto was basically drooling, greedily tracing your soft curves with his eyes. suna maintained his indifferent expression, but the reddening tips of his ears showed that he was a lot more hot and bothered than he let on. sakusa stood quietly to the side, leaning against the wall, mask tucked under his chin as if he’d just realized how much the temperature had gone up in the room.

there were two things they all had in common: the growing bulges in their pants that they were urgently trying to distract themselves from, and the fact that their full attention was on you.

"make sure to try different things; there’s multiple ways to make a woman cum. only like a quarter of women experience orgasms just from penetration,” someone made a sound of shock. “yes, the number is that small, bokuto.” 

his fingertip slowly trailed past your belly button, dipping into the mess between your thighs, causing you to slightly arch your back into the solid chest supporting you. “foreplay with the clit is your best bet; even stupid fucks like you probably wouldn’t screw it up too bad.”

hinata opened his mouth to speak, but iwaizumi anticipated his question and continued.

“i know you’re wondering where the clit is. it’s around here, under this hood of skin,” he slid his digit between your labia. “s’not gonna come with a label so you gotta explore a little bit. i know where hers is like the back of my hand, but for you guys, with your girls, you’re gonna have to move your fingers around. slowly. and pay attention to her expressions.” he began to rub in a circular motion around your clit, causing you to make small whimpers of pleasure and shift your hips to meet his movements. 

“if she clenches up or twitches when you feel a certain spot, like this,” your legs flexed as he increased the pressure, “that’s the clit. be kind, it’s not a volleyball. be gentle n’ make small circles, whether it’s with your fingers or your tongue.” 

he thought for a second. “speaking of which, oral’s important. very important. most women cum when they’ve been eaten out, so use your mouths for something more useful than just dirty talk. suck on the clit, maybe tongue-fuck her a ‘lil, but your main focus should always be the clit.”

he removed his hands from your sopping pussy, and you made a pathetic noise of frustration. “’m sorry, baby,” he muttered seductively in your ear. “don’t wanna have you finishing too early. lesson’s barely started.”

he turned his attention back to your audience, his lustful tone being replaced by a more instructional one. “there’s other places that’ll help a woman orgasm, too: her nipples, her neck, her ears—”

“her ears?” sakusa questioned. he blushed profusely as everyone turned to look at him, surprised that he’d opened his mouth. “what? we were all thinking it.”

“s’a valid question,” iwaizumi said. “yeah, you can lick ‘em if they’re sensitive. hers are.” as if to prove his statement, he licked a stripe on the shell of you ear, making you wiggle helplessly at the stimulation. “‘n leave kisses everywhere else. feels good for them just like it does for us.” he wrapped an arm around your waist, pulling you closer to him and forcing your movements to stop as he traced patterns with his tongue all around your neck.

“something you should know about an orgasm is that it’s something called a positive feedback loop.” he looked up and was met with five blank stares. shouldn’t have expected anything from these dumb jocks, he lamented. “basically that means that, once you start releasing sexual tension, things will feel better and better until you climax.”

“oh!” atsumu chirped. “like how my sets get better and better throughout a game.”

“no, not really,” he quipped. “your sets suck throughout.” atsumu frowned at that.

iwaizumi exhaled exasperatedly. “the general idea is that the body gets more and more sensitive, muscle contractions become more and more frequent, and touches feel more and more stimulating until you cum. all right?”

they all made noises of understanding except for bokuto and hinata, whose eyes had glazed over at the first mention of an academic term. whatever, iwaizumi thought. they’ll get it through example.

"don’t worry about it too much if you don’t get it, that’s just an orgasm on paper. in practice, though, this is the crucial step: listen to her. she knows what feels good. never forget that you’re just an idiot with a cock.” he took a breath, gathering his thoughts before proceeding with his lecture.

“if she tells you to slow down, you slow down. if she tells you to go harder, you go harder. if she tells you to keep doing what you’re doing, you...”

“keep doing what you’re doing”, they all chimed in at staggered times.

“that’s right. don’t go faster or else you’ll mess up the rhythm and she won’t cum. and you wanna make her cum, don’t you?”

they nodded simultaneously.

“so if you keep up the tempo and force that feels good to her, you’ll be fine. questions?”

suna spoke up. “what about,” he choked on the word. “penetration?”

hinata hummed in agreement and bokuto jumped in. “yeah, what if i wanna make her cum on my cock?”

iwaizumi made a weird face. “that’s some pretty advanced stuff, but i guess i can go over it. when you try it, though, you have to be patient. with both of your bodies. s’not rocket science but s’not always easy. also it depends on the woman but sometimes she physically won’t be able to finish from penetration alone. just make sure you’re communicating.”

his swirled two fingers over your hole before shoving them in, your wetness making it easy for him to thrust in and out as your entrance stretched to accommodate him. “f—fuck!” your eyes flew open at the intrusion and you body lurched forward, but you were held back by his strong forearm. “ohmygod, oh my g—ah! feels s’good haji, s’good!”

“i know, baby, i know. you’re taking it so well.” he turned his attention back to the men, each of who were gulping heavily. if that didn’t signal to you that they were evidently affected by your moans, the way they shifted in their workout shorts did.

“boys, focus.” he curled his fingertips, brushing at the spongy spot at the top of your walls, ripping a pleasured wail from your throat and causing tears to prick at your eyelashes. “when you’re fingering her, you’ll feel an area inside that’s a bit soft and squishy. that’s the g-spot.”

you trembled in his arms as he mercilessly struck the same place over and over again with his fingers. “when you’re fucking her, try to keep the pressure building there, but it’ll be harder to make her finish since you can’t see what you’re doing.”

your breath hitched as iwaizumi’s incessant movements brought your body tantalizingly close to your release. he suddenly stopped and you almost sobbed in disappointment, until he plunged his fingers impossibly deeper.

a guttural scream of ecstasy came from within you, and your eyes rolled back as he began playing with another part of you, your body putty in his hands. “hngh, haji, ah! so good, s’good...” you threw your hands back around his neck, nails digging into the skin as you desperately tried to keep yourself grounded. your soft moans filled the air.

“stop clenching,” he hissed. “can barely move my hand.” you tried to relax but failed miserably as the tips of his fingers grazed your cervix. 

“holy fuck,” suna muttered. “you’re a god.”

“she sounds so pretty,” atsumu said in amazement.

“i wanna make a girl feel good like that, too!” bokuto sulked.

“you can do it, bokuto!” hinata hit him on the arm. “just listen to iwaizumi. clearly he knows what he’s talking about.” 

their eyes refocused on your figure, writhing in pleasure, prompting white hot waves of arousal to pool in their stomachs. 

“yeah,” sakusa said. “clearly.”

“stop talking,” iwaizumi ordered. “and listen. beyond the g-spot is the cervix, which is basically the end of the vagina. if you’re long enough,” he briefly scanned each of their faces, “which i’m sure you are, you’ll be able to reach it if you bottom out.”

“haji—hajime, please.” the stimulation was coming absolutely unbearable, and you could tell he was sadistically holding you at the edge, refusing to give you the satisfaction of finishing. “lemme cum, please. please lemme cum, please, please, i can’t—i can’t take it ‘nymore!”

“what was that? you can’t take it anymore? gonna cum?” you helplessly bobbed your head up and down, hoping that he’d give you permission. “well,” he growled, “we can’t have that happening, can we?”

he abruptly halted his thrusts, pulling his fingers out of you with an embarrassing squelch and popping them into his mouth. pearly tears rolled down your cheeks as you grieved the loss of contact and relief.

your viewers looked on in horror, feeling immense sympathy for you; you just looked so dejected from being denied yet another orgasm.

“why didn’t you—why didn’t you let her cum?” bokuto asked.

“why do you think?” iwaizumi snapped. “don’t want you guys to see her when she does. that’s for me, and only me.”

“oh, okay,” he responded, disgruntlement clear in his voice.

iwaizumi’s glare could cut glass, it was so sharp. the possessiveness that had enveloped his mind made him hyperfocus on just one thought: being alone with you. “so, any other questions? if not, we’re done here.”

you pouted at that, not wanting the demonstration to be over. “but haji,” you mumbled into his collarbone. “i di’nt get to cum. and i wanna.” you looked up at him, eyes wide with want. “please make me cum.”

iwaizumi sent a harsh glance to the players that nonverbally communicated his message loud and clear: get out. they shuffled awkwardly out of the locker room due to the hardness between their legs that they would most definitely need to deal with soon.

your boyfriend turned his attention back to you. “’m sorry, i know i had to deny you a bunch of times. i just really hated the idea of anyone but me seeing the cute way you look when you cum.”

you made a small noise of acknowledgement and a little whisper of it’s okay, haji. he looked down, sensing the way your poor, desperate cunt was pulsing around nothing, the erotic sight injecting him with the pure need to ravage you.

he shifted his head to kiss you passionately. “why don’t i make it up to you?” he breathed between your parted lips before picking you up by the backs of your thighs, forcing you to lock your ankles around his waist. 

he delicately situated you onto one of the recovery beds at the back of the room, before murmuring something that made your pussy throb in anticipation: “i’ll make you cum whichever way you want, however many times you want, all right? all you gotta do is lay back and take it.”

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