#idk i'm feeling so drained and sad and sad and sad and

[hualians]

mwah

[feathers-little-nest]

.

[moongothic]

The idea of my work getting scraped for AI garbage is nasty but I do have to remind myself that my work is mediocre anime shit at best that nobody in their right mind would want to recreate/copy so that's slightly comforting lmao

And Glazing the shit out of my work to poison those data sets would be quite fun too ngl

(But yeah the most frustrating part would be knowing that even if I started Glazing anything new I posted, even if I deleted all my old work, every single reblog would still exist and be out of my control)

[shirtlessradfahrer]

hi sorry I disappeared for like two weeks but I was overwhelmed with the news that there's a significant chance I may be on the autism spectrum (and possibly have a nice side helping of adhd) which if true has a fuckton of implications for how poorly many, many things throughout my life have played out, so needless to say I am not doing very well

(and by that I mean I was mostly crying on and off for days, and then cried some more when I realized it will cost thousands if I want to get a proper assessment done and I'm not confident my insurance would cover all of it, and also depending on how much my hours continue to be cut this month I may not even have said insurance for much longer at all hahahaha)

[plinkcat-gif]

the emotional highs and lows with nothing in between except apathy that i've been going through for 4 months are getting to me

[pisspeas69]

Exhausted and Alone

If only I had realized

That was the last laugh

Of only for a bit

I got comfortable

I was happy

But of course something happened

It always does

Every little scratch adds up

And I fall

My legs give out

But this time they aren't here

They aren't my legs this time

They left me behind

And it's so exhausting

To lift myself up

On legs that won't work

And I don't know what to do

Because everything

Everything

Is exhausting

And I don't know how to do this

Without them

I should be happy

But I'm lying in bed for hours

Exhausted

And

Alone

[singing-bones]

-

[the-smiling-doodler]

slams my head violently against the wall /neg

[riverswater]

I think I'm going to complain.

[chrisbangs]

😞.

[silvermoon424]

Coming to terms with the fact that society hates autistic people

I just saw some comments that were like "If you're autistic, neurotypical people hate you" and "growing up as autistic in our neurotypical society is almost always inherently traumatizing." And you know what? I absolutely agree. It really resonates with me to hear fellow autistic and generally neurodivergent people talk about the hate, rejection, misunderstanding, and even dehumanization we receive from most neurotypicals.

My entire childhood was spent being the "weird girl" until I got good enough at masking to fit in better. Even now, as an adult, I get negative comments from my own (neurotypical) parents when I display certain neurodivergent behaviors. My family is always like "that's so Katy" and shake their heads when I act "too" autistic and it feels so fucking patronizing. I've had negative experiences and even disciplinary action at jobs I've had for exhibiting neurodivergent behavior (usually related to my ADHD, but sometimes autism too). My entire fucking life I've been told by society to not act too much like myself or else I'll put everyone off.

And then you see people being sympathetic to the parents of autistic children who abuse or even kill them. "It's sad, but it's understandable" neurotypical people say. Videos of autistic children having meltdowns are full of people saying that they should be locked up because they're no better than animals. We're seen as a burden, a drain on society, who are only tolerated if we learn to act "normal" and don't make the neurotypicals uncomfortable. Autistic people are front and center in "cringe" compilations and are ruthlessly bullied.

If I'm being honest, I'm still unlearning a lot of ableist thoughts that were instilled in me growing up. I sometimes catch myself thinking that other autistic people are annoying, and I have to stop myself and think "Do you really find them annoying, or were you programmed to be dismissive of people who don't act neurotypically enough?"

Anyway, idk where I'm going with this text wall. The older I get, the more I become aware of how much I've been harmed by an extremely ableist society, and it breaks my heart that more neurodivergent kids are being taught to suppress their true selves the way I was.

[circlebuttons]

Broken- Rafe Cameron x Toxic!Reader

I wanted to try and write a toxic reader fic but idk i might redo it

-

Rafe Cameron knows what it's like to be broken.

He knows what it feels like to always be hurting, and yet also be the villain, that's why he stays.

Rafe had gone out without you and his phone died, so he had no way to contact you halfway through his night out. He should've found a way to charge it or even started making his way home, all of this would've been avoided, he's beating himself up for letting this happen. He knows how worried you get about him and when his location stops updating and your calls go to voicemail what else can you do other than assume the worst.

He got home so late and you stayed up, unable to sleep with thousands of thoughts running through your head, you were drained. The exhaustion you feel is quickly replaced with anger as Rafe tries to quietly enter, stumbling over himself, phone in hand. He sobers up completely as soon as he makes eye contact with your fired glare.

"Hey baby" he speaks timidly as he leans down to kiss you, but as an instant reaction you put your hands on his chest and all of your weight into them, shoving him away from you and making him stumble backwards a bit. "Don't hey baby me asshole, where the fuck were you?"

"I went out with Kelce and Top, remember baby you said I could" he tries desperately to remind you of the conversation that happened prior, anything to try and prolong the explosion that he knows is bound to happen.

"I said you could go out with them not cheat on me, like what the fuck?" You whine, fighting back tears and quickly letting your anger blend into sadness.

"Baby please, it's not like that" he approaches you again with caution, holding your hands in his until you drop them down, crossing your arms instead.

You wipe your eyes and abruptly stop whining, exchanging it for a glare. "I don't believe you, your location is off and I called your phone a thousand times"

"My phone died I-" you lunge forward and snatch his phone

"If it powers on rafe I swear to god i'll fucking kill you" You scream at him, fumbling with his phone, hands trembling with anger. He chews on his lip in anticipation as you hold the power button. The phone powers on and you don't even wait to see the battery percentage at three percent, or wait to see it almost immediately shut itself back off, you just react. You throw his phone as hard as you can towards him, but he dodges it, making the phone spike the ground. he knows it's broken without even looking at it, but he doesn't care. He doesn't care because you breakdown in front of him crying. You're crying because your constantly convinced and scared he's cheating on you, crying because you feel guilty about breaking his phone, and maybe even crying a little bit because its how you manipulate him, he's a sucker for your tears after all. "Do you want to break up with me?" you cry at him.

He rushes to your side, holding your head in his hands and wiping your tears softly, "No baby, of course not. I love you so much. I'm sorry I should've just came home so you wouldn't have had to worry." It's 2am and his phone is on the ground shattered, his body still holds the weight of the harsh slaps and pushes, yet he holds you as you cry.

You nod, agreeing with him. "You love me?" you ask pouting up at him.

"I do. I won't ever let my phone die again I'm sorry" he promises like he always does, always making and trying to upkeep the most outlandish promises if it meant making you happy.

You flash him a sweet smile and pull him into a hug that he quickly reciprocates. "It's okay Rafey, I forgive you. Im sorry about your phone"

He pulls back, smiling down at you, relieved that you’re back to your normal self again. "Don't be princess, I'll buy another, get you an upgrade too huh?"

[antiquarianfics]

Soon You'll Get Better

Desperate people find faith. Bucky's desperate for you to get better, so, yeah, he'll pray to someone else's god.

a/n: anngssst. angst. so. much. angst. this is not happy at all. sorry. or maybe not. idk. enjoy and be sad.

warnings: profanity, illness, seizing, mentions of canon level violence, not really proofed

note: I do not own the character Bucky Barnes or any other Marvel affiliated characters.

You do not have permission to copy, repost, or translate my work; however, feel free to like, comment, and/or reblog.

»»———-———-———-———-———-———-———-««

Obnoxious beeping sounds from the monitors the doctors and nurses have you hooked up to, and the continuous noise is putting Bucky on edge. The super soldier clenches and unclenches his jaw, tightens and un-tightens his grip on the arms of his chair, and slowly blinks in some sort of weak attempt to ground himself. The beeping, the fluorescent lighting, the paleness of your skin: it’s all too much. It’s overstimulating and overwhelming. After all, you shouldn’t even be here.

Bucky raises his head up to the ceiling, closing his eyes and letting out a deep breath, and when he looks back down, his eyes settle on the table next to your hospital bed.

A bouquet of flowers and a “Get Well” card sit there, mocking him. Next to that is a jug of water that he and the nurses have struggled to get you to drink from, and beside that, four or five orange pill bottles with your name on them alert him—and any visitors—that you’re unwell.

It’d been almost a month since he brought you to the hospital in a panic, your unconscious body limp in his arms. A raid on an old HYDRA facility had gone south, and an armed HYDRA operative had managed to get the jump on you, jabbing a syringe into your neck and poisoning you.

The doctors, poison control, the Avengers... no one had a clue what kind of poison coursed through your veins, weakening your immune system, draining your energy, and eating away at your muscle mass. For nearly a month, you'd only gotten worse; the doctor's were starting to talk about a feeding tube because you won't eat, and you're rarely awake.

If Bucky Barnes were to say he wasn't scared for your well being, he'd be lying. If he were to say he wasn't terrified you might die, he'd be perfidious. The fear—the trepidation—that consumes him? He feels it making him desperate for a solution.

Staring at the orange bottles next to your bed, Bucky finds himself transported back to his childhood—back to a day where he sat stiffly between his mother and sister in the pew, in an itchy suit, and did anything but listen to the words of the preacher at the front of the church. Yet, something about that memory, despite having never truly having been religious, Bucky finds himself clasping his hands together and his eyes settling on the ceiling.

"I might sound like an idiot," he says quietly, "but, hell, if you're up there—if anyone or any thing is up there—please, please save her. Please save my girl. I'm desperate. I'll do anything—anything. Just. Please."

"It always happens," a gentle, sympathetic voice breaks the deafening silence following Bucky's prayer. He turns his attention from the ceiling to the door where a young, 20-something nurse is entering the room.

"What?" He asks, voice gruff. He's aware he doesn't sound friendly, and he knows you'd scold him for it.

"The nonreligious start to pray when things stop looking good," she says, fiddling with the machinery that is tracking your vitals. She sighs. "Desperate people always seem to find faith, even for a moment."

Bucky hums in acknowledgement, slouching in his chair. He gets the feeling that if you were awake, you'd say something sarcastic like, "Hey, Buck! Hear that? You're acting like a normal person!" His lips uptick slightly at the thought.

"I prayed to Jesus, too," the nurse continues. "When my grandmama was sick."

"I feel like I'm screaming to a foreigner's god," Bucky admits. "Someone I don't believe in, but someone that someone else says can help. Not that I deserve help from any god, but she does."

The nurse nods in understanding. "Praying to someone else's god out of desperation is the purest expression of grief. It might not work, but, if you had any doubts, at least you know you love her."

The nurse finishes what she came to do, marks on your chart, nods to Bucky, and leaves. Bucky chews on the inside of his cheek as he lets his gaze settle back on you.

After a while, he scoots his chair closer to you and takes hold of your hand.

"Sweetheart, you're going to get better. You have to get better. Please. People need you. I-" Bucky chokes on his words and swallows before attempting to continue. "I need you. Please. You need to get better. You're going to get better. Soon. You'll get better soon. You'll get better." He repeats himself a few more times until his mouth becomes too dry to speak and he closes his eyes.

"I'll get better, soldier. Don't worry about me," you say, voice groggy as it breaks into his consciousness. He looks up at you quickly.

"Doll."

"Hi."

"You're awake."

"Mhmm," you hum, smiling softly.

He quickly stands to his feet. "Hold on, I'll get the nurse back in here."

Before you can protest, he has the nurse from earlier back in the room. She smiles at you as she enters.

"Rise and shine, sunshine!" The nurse greets. "How are you feeling?"

"Not too bad. Could go for a popsicle, though," you grin.

The nurse smiles as she double checks some things before leaving to go get you your popsicle.

"You know, I might be super fucking poisoned right now, but at least I get unlimited popsicles. I never get this many popsicles. I'm basically in heaven."

Bucky raises an eyebrow at your statement, but the way you smile at him, grinning from ear to ear, he can't help but smile back.

"If you wanted popsicles, you could've just told me. I would've gotten you some. You didn't have to go and get yourself poisoned," he says.

"Where's the fun in that?"

You open your mouth to say something else, but before you do, your eyes roll back into your head, your mouth falls open, and your body starts to shake. Bucky stands to do something, but he's not quite sure what to do. Luckily, the nurse enters the room with your popsicle just in time.

"Shit!" She curses. She turns and yells out into the hall. "I've got a patient seizing in here!" In just a few seconds, she and a couple other nurses are lying you all the way down in the bed and taking care of your person. Bucky thinks he hears someone call for a doctor as another person escorts him out.

As Bucky stands in the hallway, watching helplessly through your room's window to where the medical personnel are helping you, he can't help but feel selfish. If they don't save you, what is he supposed to do? Who is he supposed to talk to? If there's no you, then what is his purpose anyway?

"Come on, Doll," he says. "You've got to pull through. You've got to get better. You promised. You got to get better soon. You have to."

[noforkingclue]

Bestie, I just saw the Calvin Klein ad for JAW, and he got me thirsty for some Carmy. I'm thinking childhood friend he was head over heels for before he left and never told them. friend comes to the Bear and something cute occurs?

idk bestie my brain just fried itself coming up with just that, message me if you want more info and I'll pull something out of my ass

Note: requests are currently close

Ugh, same! That ad was certainly something!

I hope you like the fic :)

Title: Reunion

Everything tag list: @greenrevolutionary, @byebyebreezywrites. @spngingerbread21, @layazul, @lov3vivian, @simonsbluee

It felt strange coming back to the restaurant after so many years staying away from it. You popped in occasionally after Mike’s suicide but it never really felt the same. You hadn’t really been a regular since Carmy left (not that he was ever in the restaurant that often) but now you had a reason to come back. You smiled as you walked through the doors and into the familiar restaurant, however you couldn’t help but feel a pang of sadness. You really shouldn’t have stayed away for so long.

“Oi, y/n, where the fuck have you been?”

The lunch rush had died down and you beamed at Richie who was behind the counter. He gave you an unimpressed look but you could see the amusement in his eyes.

“Missed me?” you asked teasingly

“Fuck no.”

“Then I guess I’m not welcome here.”

“You don’t get to leave this fucking quickly. Not after being away for so fucking long.”

Richie practically pushed you into a seat and you rolled your eyes teasingly. Maybe you shouldn’t have stayed away for so long. You looked over your shoulder as you heard the door slam open.

“What the fuck- y/n?”

Ah. And there was the reason why you decided to visit again. Carmy was staring at you wide eyed. You smiled softly and stood up.

“Heya Carm.”

“Y/n… you’re here… I thought…”

The colour started to rise to Carmy’s cheeks and you stood up and walked over to him. He seemed mildly startled and stumbled back.

“I’ve got to, y’know, go to the kitchen. Start cooking.”

Carmy practically ran into the kitchen and you couldn’t help but feel deflated. You had always been too afraid to tell him your feelings and when he went away you knew your chance had been lost. You had tried to move on (emphasis on tried) but seeing Carmy again ignited all your old feelings. You went back to your table and slumped into your seat. Well, that certainly cleared things up about Carmy’s feelings towards you.

What you didn’t know was that Carmy was having a similar dilemma in the back. Syd stood in front of the door to his office. She folded her arms and raised her eyebrows at him.

“What’s going on out there.” she said

“Nothing.”

“Didn’t look like nothing.”

“Cousin here was always fucking in love with y/n out there,” Richie said as he slung an arm over Carmy’s shoulders, “but he didn’t have the fucking balls to tell her before he left.”

“I wasn’t in love with her,” Carmy snapped, shrugging Richie’s arm off of him, “she was a friend.”

“But he always wanted it to be more.” said Richie

“No I fucking didn’t!”

“Well y/n certainly did,” Tina said from the kitchen, “you never noticed the looks she kept giving you.”

When nobody responded Tina looked up from her chopping. Richie was giving Carmy an amused and smug look while Syd looked intrigued, clearly wanting to hear more. The colour had drained from Carmy’s face and he was looking paler than usual.

“What?” Tina said, “It was fucking obvious.”

“I didn’t know.” said Carmy weakly

“‘Course you fucking didn’t.” Tina said rolling her eyes

“Then now’s your fucking chance,” said Richie, “to stop your fucking pining.”

“I don’t pine.” snapped Carmy

“Well maybe now would be a good time to-” started Syd

“I have work to do,” said Carmy, “we have the dinner rush- hey, what the fuck are you doing!”

Richie grabbed Carmy and practically pushed him out of the kitchen. You looked up when Carmy stumbled out. An awkward silence settled between you and you thought that Carmy was going to run away again. Instead he took a deep breath and went over to you and sat down opposite you. You smile gently at him but Carmy was looking down at the table.

“So,” you said, “long time no see.”

“Yeah.”

“I missed you.”

“I…”

Carmy cut himself off, unable to tell you how he really felt. You pursed your lips but didn’t press the issue. You knew Carmy too well to push him too far.

“Not in the kitchen then?” you asked

“No I-”

Carmy ran a hand over his face. He couldn’t exactly tell you that he was forced out here. How he really wanted to be here with you but didn’t know if he could do it.

“To tell you the truth,” you said, “I’m glad you’re out here.”

“You are?”

“Yeah. I-”

This time it was you who cut off mid sentence. You tried to find the right words as Carmy looked up slowly, a glimmer of hope in his eyes.

“I wanted to catch up.” you finished lamely, the courage you had originally felt disappearing

“Catch up?”

“Well, among other things.” you muttered, face hot

“Such as?”

“Oh you know.”

“Would you like to get dinner?”

You looked at Carmy wide eyed and even he seemed shocked at his outburst.

“Only if you want,” he said, retreating back into his shell slightly, “If not just forget I said anything.”

“Yes,” you said quickly, “Yes I do.”

“Really?”

“Yeah!”

It took Carmy a second to realise what you had said. In a flash he was on his feet and offering you his hand which, much to his surprise, you took.

“Shall we go somewhere else,” he said, “I don’t think we’ll get complete privacy here.”

You glanced over at the kitchen and immediately heard people running back into the kitchen. You heard the familiar yelling of Richie and smiled.

“Sounds like a plan.”

[hotluncheddie]

I'm on that autistic Steve shit!!!! (sorry no hc of Eddie.... can only focus on Steve ❤️)..... my favorite favorite favorite autistic Steve hc is that he is so so charming so charismatic so cool but it's entirely an act..... like he learned it from books and movies and watching other people and like his emotional / social intelligence is thru the roof bc of that.... I think I saw it described in a fic once as "he knows exactly what people want to hear"..... and I think he does revel in being a chameleon and doing that but of course it's draining!!! my fav is him letting the mask down in front of Very Important people..... I'm writing a fic rn where when Steve tries to mask around hopper he's like "boy stop that you know you don't have to do that here"..... I get such such terminal Nothing Face after a long day and I like to think Steve does too and he's worried Eddie will find it off-putting the first time he shuts down and still wants to hang out with him..... but Eddie is so so endeared by it and is very gentle with him "you ran out of faces, huh baby? that's alright" .....

2jug2head “you ran out of faces, huh baby? That’s alright.” That honestly melted my heart. I had to curl up in a little ball to deal with that.

It’s !!!!! So !!!!!! Sweet !!!!!!!!!

and omg having Hopper be like that with Steve, letting him know in that blunt, simple Hopper way I'm !!!!!! thats so good !!!! I will love love love to read that fic when u finish it !!!! pls tag me if u post it !!!!

but yeah I really really hc Steve as being super high masking, very capable socially, very able to read people. he's used so much of his life to think about others and be what's best in any possible situation. he always wants to be perfect in his interactions with people, wants to 'win' at it. wants to be the best version of himself for every person that he meets. and he mostly does. he's good at it, he's smart and a lot of people follow the same sort of conversions, expect similar things. he’s been around enough people and been in enough situations to have scripts and reactions to most scenarios. he can recognise patterns well and so he does that, but with people, over and over and over. so much so that he doesn't even think about it now, doesn't really even realise what he doing.

he’s very capable, very good and smart socially, but it's to his detriment. it means no one really knows him. it means he doesn't really know himself.

it's like he's a little perfect puppet and when he's alone it feels like this freak monster comes out; with all these feelings and thoughts and emotions that he doesn't know what to do with, doesn't know if they're normal. and he doesn't know how to tell anyone about it either, how to express it or talk about in the right way.

because he's so so scared of being made fun of, or being alone; of being told off, or being weird. and sometimes it makes him so sad, because he doesn't always know how to stop - he's so quick to respond wth his scripts that he forgets to think about what he really thinks, really feels. and he can't stop.

to unmask, at times, most times, feels herculean - to show someone who you really are? that feels impossible. terrifying. to ask for time to think? to risk saying something wrong? being honest feels deeply unnatural somehow - to be honest about how he feels, what he thinks, what he needs. he just, he's never done that before...

so when he's navigating these people, these relationships he so so cares about. with Robin and Eddie and Dustin and Hopper, even.

this is the slew of feelings he has to wade through when trying to be close to them, to keep them, to do what they ask of him. this is what he has to work through. and sometimes, sometimes they act as if it's so easy. as if it is so easy to say the honest truth when asked 'what's up?' or 'what do you think?' or 'what do you want?'

that's not easy, its never been easy. and it makes him feel like a freak once he realises it should be.

-

yeah idk that got kind of sad, sorry. but like. this is where I imagine him, when you get to the good, lovely, cozy, wonderful parts. I just, I think this is the thing, my lovely wonderful high high high masking Steve - this is what he's going through to get to the good. and its hard.

[eeulysian]

hm enough smut for today, i kinda got tired of it.. sigh, maybe i ate too much. anyhoo, what do u feel about [insert charac] x shy!reader? ^_^ lllike imagine chRCter being all extrovert, party addict, and fun then there's this little lost zoul clinging on the charactwr's arm TT it's be such a cute relationship i swear.

idk what character that would be fit for this role...

reader being shy and possessive after the party (overthinks a lot as well.. im not romanticizing that btw) AKSJDHJEBDHEHEJWHEHU——

“you were talking to them the whole time, u shouldn't have brought me here with u.. they didn't need me there anyway,” tsk. tsk. character ends up cimforting and doing whatever reader wants becuz they neglected them wayy.. too much. (if this even makes sense, im half asleep writing this)🦈🦈🦈🦈 ermm.. im not requesting a fic btw! ur free to make it into one tho. :D

I LOVE THIS TROPE SOO MUCH. its one of my favourite tropes. its like, in terms of animal tropes, it would be golden retriever x black cat. the characters i have in mind for this areeee.... topaz, serval, bai yi, beidou, elysia and kafka. i think all of them would definitely be a perfect fit for this kind of trope. not a fic but just a little short imagine!!

forced to be invited to this rich kid's mansion party by college gf!(char) because she wants to taste the drinks there, eat the food and have fun with other people. you kept refusing at first, because your introverted ass cannot handle crowds. you'd look like a small, crying kitten in the midst of the crowd. you know you'd be pushed here and there, hearing crazy screams and shouting, with rave music in the background and you hated it. in the end, you gave in and was dragged to the mansion by (char). in there was so many people, chatting, laughing, having fun and dancing to the music. (char) saw a friend and ran after them, forgetting you were there with her. 30 minutes passed, you were standing in a corner, a little further from the crowd and you started getting anxious, wondering where she is and why she just left you like that. you decided to just swarm and squiggle into the crowd to find her, feeling your social battery get drained even more. and you spotted her talking with her friend, because her hair color just stood out alot. you ran after her and shyly hugged her from behind, trying to silently tell her that she forgot about you and that you're still here. she flinched a little, but knowing it was you, she gave you an apologetic smile and told her friend that you're her girlfriend in case they were confused.

"y/n, i'm sorry i accidentally left you behind. it wont happen again, i promise", she told you, but you still felt a little insecure that she just... left you like that for a friend. "no it's fine, maybe i shouldn't have been here anyways if i wasn't so important. i don't like parties anyways." you blurted out. she noticed you looked and even sounded sad from that tone, she knew she was going to have to make it up to you with hugs, kisses and snacks when you two get home tonight. she apologizes once again, and tells her friend that she'll be going home earlier to avert her attention more to you. she feels guilty, but she knows you meant no harm and you can't help feeling like that. but she just loves taking care of you and reassuring you anyways, no matter if you guys have huge differences, contrasts and are considered total opposites by others. they say opposites attracts anyways 🤭