#idk i'll bet a lot of people see this too and i'm not saying anything particularly new

[incesthemes]

the way i look at supernatural, there's a slight but monumental difference in how sam and dean see themselves. it's the difference between guilt and shame.

sam sees himself as containing something evil, something bad inside of him that is compelling him to do harm. and he literally does have something inside him—the demon blood that shapes his destiny. sam prays for salvation and redemption and he believes he can be saved because the thing inside of him can be taken out, and if it's taken out he can be good again.

dean sees himself as being something evil, an inherently bad person whose very existence causes harm. dean represses himself and his individuality because he doesn't trust himself to make his own decisions, because those decisions will inevitably be harmful. he resigns himself to a life of killing and harm, and he can't be saved because you can't extricate the evil from his very being.

sam does evil, and dean is evil. and this slight difference is symbolized even in their mythological roles: sam is lucifer's vessel, dean is michael's sword. containing vs being.

[woofwoofwolf]

That which matters more (part 1)

Tighnari x reader.

EDIT AS OF AUGUST 29TH: I'm still working on this fic, but it's going to be longer than I initially thought. (I'm currently at 20.000 words on chapter 9 out of a planned 18, but that will probably become more.) So you can see this as the first draft of chapter 1.

I know I keep saying this but I will most likely be posting soon ish, with weekly updates! I'm working really hard on this fic, so please stay tuned.

Warnings: Fem!reader, (though I think there is no gendered language in this chapter, but I might have missed something so fair warning) reader is aro/ace, (but again idk yet how big of a role this will play.) Minor injuries

1580 words

This is chapter one of a series I'm working on right now, and although I don't think I'm going to be able to finish it anytime soon, I think if people like it on here it might motivate me more to actually finish this? I currently have 5 chapters planned and I've started chapter 3, but I constantly go back and change stuff in previous chapters (the reason why I never post anything tbh) soooo... who knows. This first chapter might also get changed in the future, but I'm actually decently happy with it so far?

Let me know what you think! I'll post this to AO3 in the future.

“Be careful, please,” Collei nervously clasped her hands against her chest, eying the ivy covered ditch you were standing over. “You’re going to fall!”

“I almost got it, just stand back and don’t worry-” You gasped out. Your left arm was fully outstretched, while your right grabbed on to a branch sticking out from the ledge right across from the flower you were trying to pick. “After this we can go back to Gandharva Ville, I promise-”

“Got it!” You said when you finally had the stem of the flower between your fingers. However your  wide smile soon turned to shock as the dry root you were grabbing onto cracked and snapped, and sent you tumbling down a hole, right through the dense ivy.

Collei screamed as a dull thud sounded at the end of your tumble. “Oh my goodness, are you alright?!?!” Her knees fell to the ground to peer into the hole you just fell into, which was thankfully a lot less deep than she had thought it to be. What surprised her tho, was the big yellow cloud that hit her face, completely surrounding the both of you, while you were splayed out on a bed of moss, entirely covered in ivy and pollen. Around you were dozens of the mystery flowers you had just picked. “O-oh no- What do I do!”

A cough signalled that you were still alive. “A rope would be nice,” you groaned.

“Right! A Rope!” Collei sprang into action, quickly looking for a rope in her satchel. “Can you climb out on your own? Oh.. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to carry you.”

“I’m fine, I’m fine… I only scraped my knee a little bit,” You said as you tried to stand up on the slippery moss. Ugh, your leg was going to be sore for a while… “There’s so many of them!”

“I’ll bandage it as soon as I get you out!” Collei said as she secured the rope to a rock.

“No, not that! The flowers!” You pulled the ivy of your arms, making the pollen fly off you, making you cough again. “They sure produce a lot of pollen too… You think holes in the ground like these are their preferred habitat?”

Collei sighed with a small smile. “Well… At least you’re well enough to still be talking. You could’ve hit your head, you know? Master Tighnari isn’t going to be happy.”

She was right, you knew Tighnari was going to lecture you on your detour from your regular patrol, but you hoped that seeing this mysterious flower would distract him enough to not go on for too long.

You grabbed onto the rope, thankfully still able to climb out of the hole yourself. You triumphantly held up not only the flower you plucked earlier, but also two other samples, WITH roots attached. “They’re BEAUTIFUL! I bet not even Tighnari has seen these flower before!” Observing it a little more closely, it was very similar to a Sumeru rose, but the interesting thing that had drawn you closer to it in the first place was the fact that not only did it glow brighter than a regular similar rose, it had also been changing colours from a soft yellow, to a regular Sumeru rose purple, all the way up to a deep red. But it seemed to have stopped now that you had plucked it. Interesting, you were going to have to examine why that was.

Collei sheepishly smiled, but quickly worried herself over your bruised and bleeding knee. You tried not to worry her further by suppressing the coughs that were coming from your irritated throat, but she noticed nonetheless.

“It must be the pollen,” Collei said worriedly. “Oh no, What if it’s toxic?”

You pensively shook your head. “This flower doesn’t have the usual characteristics for that.” You explained. “Besides, you breathed in a good amount too just now, and you seem to be fine..?”

A bit of anxiety crept up in your chest. If Collei got sick because of you, you wouldn’t be able to face Tighnari ever again, nor would you be able to forgive yourself. You were going to have to hurry back to Gandharva Ville and ask the expert to be sure.

Said expert Tighnari was not very amused when you returned that evening, but before the lecture, came first aid. He quickly had baths filled for you and Collei. While Collei went to wash the pollen out of her hair, Tighnari went to re-examine and properly clean the wound on your knee.

“I collected samples of the pollen in some flasks, and brought a few complete specimens with the roots intact. They’re really quite unique flowers. I haven’t seen them in textbooks, nor have I ever seen them on our regular patrol routes. If you bring me a map, I can point out where we found these. If we figure out what made them grow there, I’m sure we could find more of them. I-” You were cut off by another coughing fit.

Tighnari watched you worriedly, taking out a stethoscope. “Could you lift up your top? I’d like to examine your breathing.”

You awkwardly did as he said and breathed in and out as he instructed. “I’ll be fine, really! I just took in a big gulp of dust and pollen, it’s only natural my lungs are irritated a bit. Collei breathed it in a small amount as well and she wasn’t coughing at all. This plant doesn’t have any of the usual characteristics present in flora that produce toxins.”

“Maybe.” Tighnari answered curtly, a blank expression on his face. “I’m going to have to examine the pollen to be sure.”

You were silent for a bit as Tighnari noted some things down on a clipboard. The lack of the usual annoyed and sassy lecture was spooking you a little bit. “Tighnari, I… I’m sorry…”

He sighed and finally looked you in the eye, looking for signs of sincerity. “At least you have the decency to know what you did wrong.”

You nodded. “I shouldn’t have put Collei in that position. Next time… Next time I’ll note the location on a map and ask for you or other forest watchers to come with me.”

“Good.” Tighnari said with a nod. “I know you didn’t deliberately put Collei in danger and that’s the only reason I can begin to look past this. I also agree that from the looks of it it’s part of the same genus as the Sumeru rose. If anything I’d be worried this points to an issue with the Ley lines, but I haven’t heard of any incidents that would point to this… They sure produce a lot of pollen though,” He was more so muttering to himself, than he was explaining anything to you.

“However-!” He pointed his pen right in your face, interrupting his own rant. “Although I’m very happy to see some enthusiasm from you, endangering yourself like that is still absolutely unacceptable.” Ah, there came the lecture. One you absolutely deserved, mind you. “Had you fallen unconscious, Collei would have had to go back to the village on her own to get help. Worst case scenario you could have broken your neck and died. The first and most important skill for a forest watcher to learn, is not the ability to secure the safety of the forest and its visitors, but the safety of themselves. Do you understand?”

“You guys talk as I’m not useful to have around at all.” You both turned to a pouting Collei, leaving your response to Tighnari unsaid.

“Your time as a full fledged watcher will come, Collei,” Tighnari calmly explained. “You’re still young, and besides that we have your condition to worry about. Beyond that you know you have my full trust.”

You self-consciously looked away from the two. You wondered what you could do to earn Tighnari’s trust like that. Maybe the flower you discovered really was a new species? Would that get him to talk to you about it?

“Oh I know,” Collei answered, timidly plucking at her nails. “I’m just saying.”

You interrupted the sweet scene with another set of coughs. “S-sorry.. my lungs and throat feel sore, it must’ve all gotten really irritated by all the dust…” Tighnari hummed in thought. “Best you go wash off all that pollen. I’ll have it examined as soon as possible. If that cough hasn’t gone away by tomorrow evening, please come and see me again. And we’re going to have to schedule you in for more forest safety training.”

You cleared your throat. You were hoping he was going to forget about any punishment. Then again, this probably didn’t count as such in his mind. “Alright. Thank you Tighnari.”

“And, (name),” He said after some hesitation, just before you were to leave the hut. You turned to him, met by his soft gaze.  “Please do know there’s nothing you have to prove to me, okay?”

You felt a warmth bloom across your chest. “…Okay.” With that you turned around to leave, but not before having another coughing fit. You quickly dashed out of Tighnari’s hut trying to muffle your cough with your hand. When you removed your hand you saw that you had coughed up a soft pink coloured petal covered in spit. Gross. Though, you supposed that this petal was what was stuck in your throat and that your cough would let up soon.

[kevin-the-bruyne]

I want to preface this by saying that english is not my first language, and most of what I've learned has been on twitter, so if I sound condescending, I'm sorry lol. I swear that's not the tone of this message. Also, I'm sorry if I'm rambling.

That said, I like reading your takes because we have very different interpretations. It's so interesting to me lol. I'll give you one example, like when you said First is in his fan service era of trying to be masc and cool but he's always been like that?? He's very aware that he's not the "manliest," so when he says he wants to be cool and etc. he's joking. Idk if it's the language barrier but he's actually VERY funny, he's always joking around, and he knows he's cute and feels comfortable being cute, but at this point, it's like an inside joke that he "refuses" his cuteness (but like he doesn't and in fact he constantly plays it up lol). But he's also mentioned how he feels like he has grown up and how his personality has naturally become more serious and private, so maybe what you guys are interpreting as changing his persona for fanservice is just him getting older. Idk, I feel like things are simpler than you think.

That's just one example, but still I like reading your posts so please keep the conversation going hehe <3

I think rather than condescension when I get this type of ask I'm a little confused what people think I said hahahaha and how far our collective memories go back aka when I said First has changed which two points are you comparing versus which two points was I talking about ^^ Unless specified I'm always comparing Eclipse era First with post Only Friends. and this particular ask which I suspect was what spurred this was comparing pre-FK First with First now and the rest of the ask was focused on Khaotung. I think one of the first things I said about First is that he's effortlessly cool. Even though I did not mention it, it was for exactly the things that you said. I didn't watch a lot of Toew Laew but I am also super into BrightFirst. First is just a natural mood maker and class clown and even though he does have so much anxiety he's actually extremely good at it. Another point which maybe wasn't clear is that in their very recent interactions First is not making these comments (which is normal for him to make the comments so he's actually sticking to the script more) but it's actually Khaotung (it isn't normal for him because he generally likes sticking to the script) <- this is the change I was talking about. Unfortunately, I for one have never bought that he's actually an introvert. He's always called himself an extrovert and it wasn't until he started living in Khaotung's very gentle pocket as his branded partner that he's saying he's an introvert. He's 26 yo, constantly under scrutiny, constantly only specifically getting criticized for crying during their fanmeets. I see a type of pressure on First that just doesn't exist for Khaotung. I'm not sure First knows what he is lmao. But actually, since I'm not as obsessed about First as Khaotung I hesitate to say too much more about him? I don't...notice him with the same razor sharp focus that my attention stays on Khaotung dkfjsdfjhfhks And for the last part 'I feel like things are simpler than you think.' is just wrong hahaha. Fanservice both politically and economically has always been extremely complicated. In a place like Thailand where there is a formalized business around branded pairing (please remember I follow MANY branded pairs not just FK)... oh boy if you think it's simple I will bet you anything that A LOT of effort has gone into making you think so.

The core dilemma of any fanservice is that it's a performance whose main goal is to make it feel as natural and spontaneous as possible in the context of real life. Kudos to Firstkhao for their smashing success haha

[galaxyseclipse]

alright, gonna try to be slightly more organized than last time about my thoughts/theories/observations about Side Order also this might be a shorter post than last time because there isn't a whole ton of trailer, it'll mostly be about the artwork tbh

so I'm just gonna start this by saying I really dislike the "it's all New 3's dream" theory, it feels like a cop-out. I'm not saying it is 110% untrue, just that I don't like it and hope it isn't

how do I explain the transition from the train to Inkopolis Square? New 3's on the train to Inkopolis Square(which is fully unlocked after beating Side Order; the option just takes you to SO until then) and falls asleep, one matrix-y transition later and we're in Eight's pov inside of whatever simulation they got dragged into. it's purely to transition the player from New 3 to Eight, and the events are completely unrelated

or I'm utterly, wholly wrong! who knows!

---------

another thing I noticed on my millionth trailer rewatch was this

it's just to the right of the tower in the shot where everything materializes. it looks like a filling cabinet? it's in the last trailer we got too, I checked, but not the first teaser(granted, a lot of stuff wasn't)

I dunno, probably not anything super important, but it's not there in the Square in 2, so I thought I'd point it out

edit: look at reblogs, it's probably actually a set of lockers

---------

I've seen a shockingly small number of people bring up this guy

so far(maybe there's more talk of them on twitter or something idk)

they're clearly pretty prominent, they're next to Acht, Pearldrone, and Eight, so they have to be important, right?

my first guess is that they're something a la CQ Cumber or ORCA, just the one who explains the rules of each level and splats you if you fail. but it feels redundant to have both them and Acht, who already knows a good amount about this place, explaining stuff to you

I dunno I also see twist villain potential from them, just because we haven't seen them before now. like, "hahaha! It was I who fucked up this place, and now that you've helped me hack the mainframe, I can take full control!" or something idk lol

I'm not even gonna try to guess what kind of sea critter they are lmao

---------

now onto the real stars of the show

these fuckers

hopefully y'all already know that I am a firm believer that the one in the center is Agent 4, seeing as they're the only one of the group with ears and tentacles, and those two features bear resemblance to "canon" Agent 4. the rest don't have those, so that one is clearly important, right? am I being delusional? probably

setting that aside, what are these things in the first place? they're most likely related to the fish guys in some way, both being covered in black goo with glowing red eyes

I personally think that they're either mobile versions of the copy machine from the lobby, or some weird, goopy creation of the simulation used to replace enemy Octolings in gameplay(which is a fun twist, haven't had enemy Inklings before) otherwise I have no idea lol. they're enemy units and that's all I've got

---------

there's also this thing

featuring a lot of Acht's head

kinda looks like the Octowhirl to me, but like, less octoweapon-y and more coral-ish, with the same red eyes as the fish; probably a boss of some stripe, or tougher enemy

---------

something else that's probably inconsequential I noticed in the artwork

the different colored color chips have different text on them, probably stating what kind each one is?

notably, the blue one(the one used in the trailer) doesn't have the same text on it, that moved to the red one

---------

I think that's it for now; I have picked apart the artwork as much as I can/want

I'll bet if we get a direct before the 22nd, we'll get one more small trailer or maybe just a repeat of this one. though judging by the trailers Nintendo's been releasing lately, that feels oddly unlikely to me

but idk I'm just a weirdo who likes staring at fictional cephalopods

[mrs-theirin]

@anoras said shadowheart is so shippable and i agree and you're gonna listen

shadowheart + lae'zel - obvious. enemies to lovers yadda yadda they both are dedicated to their faith in a pure blind way and can grow out of it with each other

shadowheart + karlach - also obvious. "i bet she could throw me over her shoulder" come on she's thirsting from the moment they meet. i think karlach would allow shadowheart to not take things so seriously too

shadowheart + gale - again, both dedicated to their faith, both have goddesses they loved and trusted, both have goddesses that betrayed them and hid the whole truth. his thirst for knowledge and her lack of memory i think would work so well together

shadowheart + wyll - wyll's charming. you could ship wyll with anyone, come on. both have weird/complicated relationships with their parents (i use that very loosely in shadowheart's case lmao)

shadowheart + astarion - giving in. shadowheart doesn't know how to ask for what she wants, astarion will just take it. astarion knows what she wants without her saying anything at all. both of them come from abusive backgrounds and both of them have the opportunity to continue the cycle. idk i like the idea of them a lot

bonus: shadowheart + halsin - i can't really see it happening but like maybe (edit: several people have informed me shadowheart has some horny things to say about halsin so i'll give them a bit more of a chance i'm just not well versed in halsin)

[iguessyouregonnamissthepantyraid]

FOUND FAMILY LUCY & THE GHOUL SUPREMACYYYY!!! your fic is perfect in every way… a shining beacon of light in these dark times. idk if you’re going to write a long story with them or anything but i fucking love your mind and already know i wld be eager to read whatever you might write about them <3 !!

thank you! i'm a found family bitch til the day i die, i simply cannot help it. i am technically working on a full length fic with them, but i'm not sure if/when i'll ever string it all together into something coherent lmao

but hey, here's a scene in the meantime!

-

About halfway through their journey to Las Vegas, nearly perfectly sandwiched between a week’s worth of miserable walking to the west and another week’s worth of miserable walking to the east, they stumbled upon a small town in the middle of the desert that called itself Delta. There was a sign and everything—a really old one with faded grayish lettering on faded reddish stone, all of it bearing more than a few well-worn cracks. But there was also a painted sun on it, half a shining sun rising above the town’s name like it was just peeking over to say hello, and that sun was almost still yellow.

Someone must have cared enough to maintain it, she thought, even just a little, and something about that felt important.

Lucy never bothered mentioning any of this to her companion, of course. He probably would have blown it off as nothing if she did, especially if his standoffishness ever since they entered the town was any indication.

Speaking of which.

She shifted, turning over onto her side on the twin bed she’d rented for the night—a real bed, and after so many nights of sleeping in the sand, she wasn’t even turned off by the musty smell of these sheets—and she wound her arm underneath the poorly stuffed pillow for some extra support, looking across the little motel room. He was still sitting up on his own bed, one knee bent up and his gun propped up against his thigh, and he was still looking at the door.

When she moved, though, it did get his attention. He glanced in her direction and frowned, as if to ask, What the hell are you looking at?

“You know,” she said, before he could say that out loud or tell her to go to sleep, “we’re not in the middle of the desert anymore.”

“Is that right? ‘Cause I could’ve sworn—”

“We’re not out in the open in the middle of the desert anymore,” she cut him off, rolling her eyes. “I’m just saying, we don’t really have to take turns sleeping tonight. We’ve got a door. With a lock. You could actually go to sleep, too.”

“Mm,” was all he said to that, and he returned his focus to the door.

Lucy sighed, and she rolled over onto her back, frowning at the ceiling. She really didn’t know what his issue was. This town was actually nice. Don’t get her wrong, it wasn’t like anyone had rolled out a red carpet for them and sprinkled flower petals at their feet, but no one here had shot at them, no one had tried to steal from them, no one had even said anything particularly mean to them. The woman who owned this motel—a lady named Josie who might have been fifty or might have been a very healthy ninety for all Lucy could tell—had barely even spared either of them a second glance, let alone turned him away for being a ghoul, and they were even allowed to bring Dogmeat into the room with them for an extra ten caps.

She folded her hands over her stomach and tucked her toes under Dogmeat’s side. Dogmeat didn’t seem to mind; she just let out a soft groan, stretching her legs out and settling back down with a sigh.

“Not everyone is trying to kill us,” Lucy said. “I know a lot of people are, but not everyone is.”

“Is that right.”

“Yes! Some people really do just want to help others. There are good samaritans out there. Just because you don’t see them very often doesn’t mean they don’t exist.”

“You wanna bet on that?”

“Yeah, actually. I will.”

“Go on, then. What’s your startin’ bid?”

She thought about that for a moment. She was certain that she was right about this, but technically, given that they were walking through a desert from one end to the other, they weren’t likely to run into very many people, period, so the odds weren’t exactly in her favor.

Finally, she offered, “One bottle cap.”

He actually huffed a laugh at that, and when she turned her head, she saw half an amused smile on his face. “One whole cap, huh? You better watch yourself. You go making gambles that big and you gon’ be broke as a joke before we even hit Vegas.”

She shrugged, looking back up at the ceiling. “It’s more about the bragging rights than the money anyway.”

“That so?”

“Yep.”

“Well, now, no one here in Delta counts, y’know,” he said, “seeing as we paid ‘em for the help.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s fair,” she admitted. “But even if they’re only helping us because we paid them, they are helping us. Right? That’s something. And I don’t know about you, but I don’t see any of these people breaking down the door in the middle of the night after that. I don’t even see why they would want to.”

He was quiet for a moment.

He was quiet, actually, for long enough that Lucy felt the need to look at him again. When she did, she found him exactly as he was before, looking straight ahead at the door in exactly the same way he’d been doing since they got to their room over an hour ago. Something had changed just a tiny bit, though—it was in his eyes, like he wasn’t looking at the door so much as he was looking through it. He was thumbing the safety on his gun, though not enough to switch it on, and she wondered if he was only doing it to remind himself that it was off in the first place.

Finally, quietly, he said, “People always got their reasons, Vaultie.”

Lucy blew out a raspberry through her lips and pouted, looking up at the ceiling again.

It was true, of course, that she didn’t know even half of the terrible things that people up on the surface were capable of—actually, no, that wasn’t fair. Not just people on the surface. As it turned out, she didn’t know even half of the terrible things that anyone was capable of, up here braving the radioactive wasteland or tucked safely away in a Vault or anywhere in between.

But even knowing all that, even knowing the sort of terrible things that certain circumstances could drive a person to do, she had to believe that most people still had something altruistic and selfless and good underneath.

Deep underneath, in some cases.

Very, very… very deep underneath.

“Okay,” she conceded, because there was a time and a place for debates about the nature of humanity, and this probably wasn’t it. There was also a certain type of person that it was worth having said debates with, and it almost certainly wasn’t him. She pulled her feet out from underneath Dogmeat, and she turned over, putting her back to the ghoul and his gun and the locked door. “Wake me up in six hours?”

“You know I’m gonna.”

She half-buried her face in the pillow, waiting for the exhaustion of ten-plus hours of walking to finally take her under.

She didn’t have to wait long.

[candiid-caniine]

I'm in a position where I can't really get any sex toys, specifically for insertion and that's like 90% of what I need and I need something and idk what to do I'm going insane. Do you know anyone who makes like, under cover toys or know of any at least temporary solution Oh Bug with your infinite horny knowledge I pray thee, I need to be full and there's nothing to be full of

ahahaha this made me giggle! i can't promise to have infinite horny knowledge, but i will try my best to help. it's a travesty whenever a sweetheart out there in the world has to be empty <3

note: i'm working off the assumption you're talking about a vagina; if not, i apologize, but i don't think i'd feel comfortable recommending anal toy substitutes anyway due to the higher safety risk!

first, let's talk about materials if your best bet is household items:

top of the list in terms of safety is glass. i'd also say steel, but household objects made of steel aren't necessarily made of body-safe steel/surgical steel, so glass is really my top pick. it's non-porous, can be infinitely sanitized and re-used, and has some fun things you can do with temperature play too ;)

second favorite is gonna be plastic. it (and any other material) is 100% safe for insertion WITH a barrier like a condom, but if you can't get those for similar reasons you can't get a sex toy, use plastic sparingly; it is porous, so it can trap bacteria, which...i'll be honest here. i've never heard of this happening to people, even when they use the same hard plastic toy over and over, if they wash it a lot in between. thousands of people across the world have used a hairbrush handle, one of those 10-color pens (lol ask me how i know), and other items available to a kid in their teenage years. often repeatedly. my theory: yes, plastic can trap bacteria...but it's mostly gonna be bacteria from your body, and unless you're switching holes, i think the risk of that bacteria being non-benign is low; additionally, if you're washing it immediately afterwards and storing it in a safe place, the risk of it coming into contact with external bacteria is also low. regardless, it's safest to think of plastic as a temporary solution, and to replace it fairly often. good news is it tends to be cheap!

third best bet: a vegetable in a condom. could never do this bc i hate wasting food. could also never do this bc i was in a similar situation to you at the time, and in my case i couldn't get condoms, and no way was i putting pesticides up my vag!

i know it may seem weird that i'm putting silicone last. it should be first. food-grade silicone is probably insertion-safe, but the reason it's last on the list is that it's hard to find food-grade silicone items in the right shape lol.

now for some ideas of common items that might work/be easily concealable or explainable:

those big bubble wands (plastic). empty them out first lmao. make sure the bottom of the tube, where it was likely cut from the assembly line, doesn't have any weird rough edges. bonus points that you can put a bullet vibe in it if you have one, and if it's too light to fuck satisfyingly, try putting something heavier inside :)

the world of guasha and acupressure massage implements is wide and varied lol. from amazon, here is a steel one that's plain and simple. if you like odd shapes, here's whatever this is.

one of the pitfalls of household insertables is the shape; they're often ramrod-straight, which a vagina isn't, and rigid, so they don't bend to you. if you're confident in your pelvic floor strength, i recommend these guys! you may not exactly be able to fuck yourself with them, but they're an excellent way to feel full :)

check out the handle on this dude. is this anything? hell if i know lmao.

i've found pervertables on amazon before by just searching "[material] tools" or "[material] [shape]" or just in general typing in the material, then clicking around in random sections of Amazon and seeing what pops up! i've also found them by just wandering around stores and looking at objects in the context of what they'd feel like inside me, or being used to hit me, etc.

now for some actual, purpose-made toys that are discreet from Etsy:

carrot lmao. it's expensive, and i think primarily meant for anal insertion, but there you have it.

here's a simple but effective idea. why sacrifice good, plain function when you could just hide it well instead?

toy disguised as a paperweight with a DP option :)

i guess you could reasonably claim that this one was a gag gift or something. maybe get one of those little silicone hand puppets shaped like a real dino head and put it on there when you're not using it.

tis the fucking season!

dear lord. this is how i used to hide my weed lol. listen, i'm begging you, at least once it would be so funny to pretend this dog is a representation of me and i'm holding ur dick for you and looking at u with them sad puppy eyes okay?

hear me out, stay in this space with me; consider just hiding your dildo really effectively. here / are / some / really neat stash boxes i found on etsy. afaik the teddy ones are easy to diy; i made mine by cutting a hole in the bum of a big old stuffed pig i had and packing in my entire weed jar and then refilling it lol.

i hope this helped, or at least gave you some ideas! thank you for asking! <33

[g1r-ap0ca1yps3]

Intro to my account!

Hi I'm Conan i often go by the nickname Cade though I wont use tumbler a lot and if you want to get in contact with me your best bet is my Pinterest which I'll link at the end but yeah i guess I'll say some things about myself

I'm a transgender boy i use the term demi boy more as a side label since I also identify with xenogenders but mostly just a boy lol i use he/it pronouns along with all neos and yeah thats it for my gender i think

Okay i use a lot of stuff for my sexuality but basically I'm aroace oriented and omni romantic + i use biromantic as a umbrella term. I'm ambiamorous which means I'm open to polyamory and monoamory relationships. i use a lot of labels so if you wanna see them all check out my pronouns page I'll link it at the end

Next i guess I'll talk about my mental health lmao so basically i have depression and unspecified anxiety disorder professionally diagnosed also professionally diagnosed ODC and dyslexia and Dysgraphia so if theres any spelling or grammar mistakes in this please be patient

I'm trying to be scene and emo but i listen to a lot of different music genres my favorite are scene, scenecore, hyper pop, pov: Indie, scenemo and emo. I'm alternative kinda scene kinda scenecore kinda emo just a blend lolz.

I'm a huge anime fan i love things like ouran host club, banna fish, SK8 the infinity, Bungo stray dogs, ohshi no ko, the stranger my the shore, toilet bound hanako kun, demon slayer, yuri on ice, sasaki to Miyano and a lot more i also read manga when i can find it online for free cuz I'm broke asf

I'm a minor so any donation requests will be ignored as i cannot donate and i also don't want to repost something if i don't know if it's legit so i apologize but i will just delete those dms and comments i do hope if your in actual need of help you can raise the money but at this moment i am not able to help and am not able to confirm your legitimacy

I see people putting a dni list so I'll make one too ig? If your Racist, homophobic, transphobic, ablist, xenophobic, extremely judgemental, say things like "OMG I'M SO AUTISTIC/ADHD/ECT" and you don't have that thing, really anything toxic in General your a dni. A few more things that aren't necessarily a dni but kinda are? If you hate on furries, therians, otherkin, alterhumans, ect. I'm not any of those but in my opinion it's just stupid, annoying, and petty to hear people hate on them when what they do literally doesn't affect you whatsoever so yeah a dni but if your neutral to them then not a dni

!Important! Even though I've put my sexualities and wanting a QPR I'm not open to online dating and never will be!

Yeah i think thats it I'll put the links to some of my platforms I'll update this whenever things change also keep in mind my TikTok is not my personal account it’s my online one

[toxicanonymity]

Do you ever struggle with feelings of discouragement or inadequacy if your fics don’t do as well as you had hoped?

I’m struggling with that myself. I try not to get so hung up on it but it’s very hard, especially when something I’m so proud of doesn’t do as well as my other works.

I don’t even feel motivated to write bc I don’t wanna set myself up for disappointment

Discouragement, sure, I think that's natural sometimes. But I really don't feel like stats have anything to do with adequacy. Baring my soul, yuck. But fuck it we ball. Sorry it's a long answer.

I don't think I've ever answered a serious ask aside from the time i created Dr. rock which hardly counts but I've seen a lot of people struggling with this lately and hope this might be idk comforting to a person or two without leading to debate/discourse.

You mentioned something you're proud of isn't doing as well as your other works, and I can see how that would be disappointing. For laughs, I'll compare 2 of mine. These fics are impossible to compare (as are most, I think) but I def understand the urge to measure yourself against what you see as the potential. Aches: <1k popular trope I banged out in no time, wasn't sure about it, literally thought "people don't have to like it" before I hit post. >4 notes per word. Left in Lincoln: >22k posted so far, challenging, writing it for months. Has possibly driven me crazy bc I had this passing thought the other day and not about TLOU. (I didn't feel like re-reading it all): "I should just rewatch the movie. . .wait." 🤡 The whole Lincoln series combined has fewer notes than Aches lmao. But it's far more rewarding in getting to see it come to life, quality of engagement, and stretching myself 😏. It's not for everyone, for various reasons. Surely would have better stats without the twist I went with. But at what cost??

-------

Often, if people don't read or like something, it's a reflection of their own interests, limitations, and assumptions. And the right "fit."

I don't rly read much in general, but specifically, I rarely read long stuff (if I do I prob scan a lot tbh). I normally only want, if any, just enough plot/premise to build sexual tension. I don't read fluff or angst. I don't have the attention span / commitment to get invested in original characters. I tend to avoid stuff similar to what I'm working on. I make assumptions - If there's no word count, maybe it's too long. I know a lot of the fics I skip for these reasons must be fantastic. Assumptions I experience - I've seen very popular fics in the wild that strike me as dark, creepy, or pervy but aren't tagged that way. So some things that are tagged dark, etc., including plenty of mine, might not be dark in the way people assume based on their own ideas, or based on what others do tag. Also some people think I only write dark when sometimes it's just horny (see master list).

I've sometimes found myself thinking "It sucks more people don't read this bc i bet they would enjoy it" (not just my own fics). It might sound egotistical but I think it's often true.

------

Of course I want engagement because that means more people reading something which can mean more interaction, discussion, learning what you liked, what you think, etc. that's what I love.

But notes aren't rly near the top of what I care about, even though it does feel great to get them and I truly appreciate every single one.

Night walks doesn't get nearly as many notes as some of my other stuff, especially these days, but it's fun to write and I like to feed his feral fans who only get more into him with time. Same with raider: among those who do read and engage, I sense rising enthusiasm, thirst, and rate of falling in love with him (my bad). That's all worth more than 1000 likes to me. I have a good time writing these guys, so I write them more than other ones that get way more notes 🤷. I'm not saying notes don't matter at all, I know they affect exposure and engagement. But if just did what gets notes, I don't think I'd have such high quality engagement bc I'd just bang out more stuff with the most popular tropes instead of our fave Joels and those destined to become our faves bc they offer something special.

My outlook was the same before I had so many followers btw. Rock Bottom (22k) was what I felt like writing, still more ambitious than anything I've done in the Halloween fandom. I was disappointed it got way less attention than my one shots, but I know it's a banger, just certainly not for everyone lol.

-

I'm sorry for what you're experiencing and feeling, but I think it's very common and hope you can reframe it to not feel inadequate. I especially hope it doesn't discourage you from writing. ❤️

[just-a-random-person24]

hey chat I've been working on redoing my Stark's Mind notes so here's episodes 1-6!

Episode 1

• CINEMATIC INTRO

• internal monolog, not starting immediately on the train

• surprised that Black Mesa still has the tram voice?

• To him, being as late as he is is as bad as high-school. Will hide in bathrooms to not deal with being caught

• knows Gordon's on parol w/ Black Mesa

• still uses ‘we’ when referring to Black Mesa, says he's getting into the ‘Freeman Mentality’

• “ba donk” Shut the fuck up (loving)

• tram shaking *bad*

• has a habit of talking to people who are too far to hear him

• used to get first at the decathlon! says he'll stay back and do it for Gordon to ‘make him look like an athletic superstar’

• wasn't involved in any departments that used lasers/plasma. Also really bad at using past tense when talking abt his time working there

• doesn't want any relatives working at Black Mesa

• “All the gates I've come across so far are playing the waiting game. And so far? I'm winning.”

• Star Wars reference. idk anything abt Star Wars.

• green goop pile! Is very worried about people's safety!

• says he can't do anything about it, but is still worried about it

• his Gordon impression is *very* bad

• forgot Barney worked at Black Mesa but not Felix

• immediately drops the ‘Freeman’ act by asking the guard if his lateness affected anyone else

• Gordon has a ponytail! Stark doesn't though. Plays it off as getting a bet to cut the ponytail

• doesn't know who Gina is :(

Episode 2

• tries to help a guard with his computer to redeem himself for being late

• Stark's socially awkward!

• obligatory bass-head programmers joke

• Stark doesn't know which way the test labs are

• claims Black Mesa now looks ‘structurally sound’

• “Hopefully it's the right way… So that makes this the left way then? I'm sorry, I'll leave now.”

• thinks the guard wanted to kill him over his bad joke

• hasn't eaten breakfast…

• even though Gordon has Stark covering him, Vincent either doesn't know/forgot Gordon's locker combo

• Black Mesa doesn't have mirrors

• the 4.5… the way Stark talks about it sounds like he's more familiar with the Mark 4. (ignore that the HEV suit DID say ‘Mark 4’)

• says he's sure Black Mesa doesn't let people tour around the facilities. Even though he mentioned people touring in the first ep

• only other series to give us a year! Stark says it's 2009 while Arlen says it's 2016

• “I should just stop rambling like a mad man.” has he been talking to himself this whole time??

• Left due to unethical choices that were being made!

• ‘there's no point putting a warning sign on lasers’ You see, there's this thing called ‘OSHA’

• Breen apparently wanted to recreate the Big Bang

• offers a guard to grab a drink with him and Barney after the test

• “I forgot how large this room was.” Was in the test chamber before?

• he likes white noise!

• woe! green apon ye!

Episode 3

• immediately blames himself when seeing the destruction

• “I-I should be dead.. I at least have the chance to help everyone else.”

• ‘this isn't real’ count 1

• still on Black Mesa's database

• thanks the door when it opens :)

• tries to tell a scientist performing cpr that they need to leave

• apologizes to corpses

• already ready to have a breakdown

• Kleiner exclaiming that Stark is alive is met with Stark going ‘unfortunately’

• says Eli is braver than him for wanting to find his family

• says that Black Mesa is Hell and immediately exclaims ‘demons’ when seeing a burning zombie

• more apologizing to corpses

• ‘I did this’ count 12. I'm not gonna actually keep track of any counts here, he just says some of this stuff a *lot*

Episode 4

• says he needs to keep going even though people are dead cause of him

• very fine with curling up and dying in a corner after contacting the surface

• once again with calling the aliens demons. Follows it up with ‘Hell on earth’

• happy to see a guard with a gun

•’cranium’ instead of ‘head’. Nerd.

• realizes the zombies used to be human

• little ditty about guns. Would feel safer if he had the gun instead

• thinks everything going on is more similar to a horror movie than sci-fi

• hopes a lab would have weapons. Realizes it wouldn't and wonders what is wrong with him for thinking it'd have weapons

• has no clue how he's being calm at the moment

• apologizes to the guard for yelling at him

• tries to stay composed in hard situations

• says he's falling into a relapse right now. Mental relapse? \*shrug*

• doesn't feel safe even with the suit on

• “Another person dead because I'm a moron!”

• uses ‘we’ instead of ‘I’ when blaming someone. “We really fucked up with this didn't we?”

• grabs the crowbar in an attempt to be brave and fight off the zombies, regrets it immediately

• “My crowbar is the perfect companion”

• knows that the resonance cascade is a rift between worlds

Episode 5

• feels sort of reassured his “leaks” were spot on. And finds it ironic he caused the res-cas

• only time he seems genuinely happy is when the eye scanner is still working. :(

• an atheist

• Tells a screaming zombie to shut up

• checks the pulse of an obviously dead scientist

• full-names himself

• sings a little ditty about smashing crates

• obligatory Mind series slur. Only one in the series though

• “Oh yeah. Hand me crates with nothing in them, but direct me to the room laced with blood. No thank you Black Mesa.”

• no upper body strength. twink

• still looking for a gun :(

• “Hey could you stop? I'd appreciate it.” To a zombie trying to attack him

• upon finding out he's made it to Security Clearance is excited to finally get a gun. for protection

• vent sharks!

• calls the Barnacles something out of a BDSM fantasy. Nicknames them Jellyfish Pricks

• yells at the Barnacles to eat the barrels cause he paid of them

• space pup!! gets his eardrums blown out immediately after

• still doesn't fully believe everything going on is real because everything is so surreal

• about to tell a scientist that his name isn't Gordon but doesn't

• thanks the scientist for opening the door

• has never used a gun before

• “I have the responsibility to make sure that everybody gets out of here safely. You know why? Because I did this…”

Episode 6

• Telling the scientist what happened to cause the res-cas

• pretty sure he's trapped in Black Mesa but wants to think optimistically

• Mind characters and their use of ‘friggin’...

• Last names himself! I don't remember if he ever refers to himself by just his first name in these early episodes

• Assumes the military would go to the alien homeworld to conquer it or bomb the facility

• “That's a bit chilly.” In a room filled with. Ice? Snow??

• tries to reason with the Vortigaunt. Gets shocked

• gets close to the zombie to shoot it. Blood on him :(

• Water in his mouth :(

• wonders if Black Mesa has alligators

• absolutely just can't see without his glasses

• “I could drown myself. I feel like doing that, I don't feel like *living* anymore.” Already thinking about killing himself. Also doesn't because he has things to deal with

• Likes water as an element. Also Xenon, which is used in flash lamps and arc lamps

• Thinks him laughing while killing aliens is a sign of bad things to come for him. Makes an ‘Maybe I was always insane’ joke before shutting that down quickly

• really doesn't want to be in vents. Vent sharks.

• apologizes to a corpse for landing on it

• “If reality had a face, I'd kick it in the fucking dick.”

[prouvaireafterdark]

do you have any tips for new fanfic writers. the iwtv bug has gripped me and iim planning to dip my toes in but ive no idea no how to start. thanks and love your work xxx

Ahh, thank you! :)

And, well, I don't really think there's like perfect or universal advice on how to write because everyone likes different things and has a different process that works for them, but I'll do my best to list some things that help/have helped me!

Know your source material. Whether you're writing a canon compliant fic or something wildly AU, rewatching the show can help you get the character voices down and might make you feel less nervous about figuring out how you want your dialogue to sound or how the characters would behave in the situation you're putting them in.

Make yourself some tea. Idk what it is about a warm, caffeinated drink, but when I'm sitting at my desk with one it really helps me stay focused.

Start small if you're worried about finishing something big. There's no rule that says in order to be a fic writer you have to write 100k word masterpieces. In fact, my attention span is so fucked I usually don't write anything longer than 5k word one shots and I'm perfectly content with that. If all you want to do is try to get your feet wet with a 500 word ficlet to see how it goes, do it! Short fics are fun to read and much less pressure to finish.

Make an outline. No need to go crazy with it, but I usually sketch out the rough plan I've got with a few bullet points just to organize my thoughts and make sure I don't forget something.

Don't be afraid to write scenes out of order. There's also no rule that you have to begin at the beginning. I usually end up jumping around and making the parts I've written meet in the middle. If you vaguely know how you want your fic to start, but have a really concrete idea of how you want a specific part to go, just start there and work your way backward/forward.

If you get stuck, write the gist of what happens next in brackets and then move on to the next part. This goes with #5. I cannot even tell you how often I end up doing this and it helps maintain my writing flow so much bc instead of sitting there like "fuck, how do I wanna say this?" I can just be like "well, that's future Lynne's problem" and keep going with what I do have the words to write lol. You can also like just write a skeleton of dialogue and then go back and fill in the descriptions/their internal thoughts and reactions later if you don't know how you want to go about it yet, I do that a lot too.

Write what you want to read. Everyone likes different things and it's not really helpful to get caught up in trying to find an idea you think other people will like. Like I bet there are people who opened my fics, went "nope," and then backed out, but the thing is, I didn't write those fics for them, I wrote them for myself and whoever else ends up enjoying them. It also sucks trying to write something that doesn't inspire you, so if an idea isn't working for you, just... move on to something that does. You can always come back to it later (she says, avoiding eye contact with the WIPs in her folder).

Write. Even if you don't end up posting it, just giving it a go and seeing what happens is the only real way to start. You can always worry about editing later (either by yourself or with the help of a beta reader) or even scrap the whole thing and start over if you're not happy with it. I literally have docs that are basically just graveyards of whole paragraphs I deleted from WIPs but wanted to save just in case. The main thing to remember is that you're never gonna finish your story if you don't actually sit down and write it, so try to take the pressure off of yourself to make it perfect and just see what you come up with.

[sleepingguard01]

fuck you i’m doing this 🦈💙

13 + 16

Oh geez, really sorry this took so long to respond to! This is for the life series/secret life ask game, right? Okay so...

13. predict something. anything. come back when the season is over and check if you got it right!

Ooh okay okay.. I'm really not that confident with predictions but since you asked, I'll give it a shot... With where we're at right now, I'm not confident in Martyn's chances this season. Not that he isn't a dangerous contender or anything (he did win last season)! But with how risky he seems to have been I think he's going out early this season. (Though I haven't watched his pov yet, he might just be terribly unlucky.) Not sure the no-regeneration gimmick is treating him well.

So my prediction is that he'll go out before... Scar, let's say? Dunno if Martyn'll be the one to break Jimmy's curse, and exact placements can always be finicky and surprising, so let's just pit him against Scar, since that one task last session was so convinced of Scar's incompetence, lol. I think that's a fair bet, albeit maybe a little too on the safe side. Scar did pretty well last season, didn't he? I'm not googling it.

16. are there any mechanics/gimmicks you'd get rid of, if given the choice? if yes, why?

Hm... Well, this season nothing stands out as a particularly bad idea, but I always really decide on how much I liked a mechanic at the end of the season it's in, because it's easier to see how it affected things. I am a little unsure about the yellow life players guessing the tasks of green life players causing them to fail, but I suppose it's a good counterbalance to what's happened so far where members have seemed to have lost almost all sense of secrecy and are being near outright with bizarre behavior. But also, dunno how effective it will be... It seems actually really difficult to get an accurate guess on someone's task. Maybe someone will be really good at it later on? That's not really an answer though, so I'll generalize to traffic life series as a whole- I actually did not like the ability to gift lives in Last Life. While it led to some fantastic moments and dynamics that were really fun, I found it super disorienting. It was hard as a viewer to keep track of what was happening to everyone, especially from only one or two perspectives. Idk, just kinda threw me off the whole season in general and I feel kinda bad about it because I know a lot of people really like it :-(

I just can't get into it idk... Maybe I just haven't watched the right perspective yet? And it really is just that one mechanic, so maybe watching more perspectives would be the antidote to my distaste for it, lol...

[taegularities]

Hello lovely Rid 💕💕

I saw you posting about being in a boring class right as I was scrolling through tumblr out of boredom during my lecture lmaooo. And now I'm enduring a 40 minute bus ride in a packed bus, so I decided to come and ramble to you a little (I know, shocker, I never do that).

It's literally nothing big or anything but remember that pretty guy with the long hair from my class that I told you about once? Well just as I was trying to figure out whether I only like the way he looks because of his pretty hair, he cut it lmaoooo. And like his hair is still to his shoulders which is pretty long but it used to be to his waist so it's a considerable change still. But here's the problem - he looks just as good and even more babygirl like that 😔😔😔.

And I haven't talked to him in a while because I'm not so sure what to say since our interests don't exactly align too much and he's also always with his friends (the way he loves anime and gaming and I've only watched death note and played the sims lmaooo).

I'm also the kind of person who can't properly have a crush on someone until they actually know them well, so I'm just in the stage of finding him very attractive and yet not actually having a crush on him. Long story short, I know I should just make an effort to talk to him more but it takes a lot of energy for me to talk to people I don't know well :/

Thank you for listening once again, Rid. I think this time I've thoroughly proven that I can ramble about the smallest thing. How are you doing, love, how are the classes other than this boring one? 💞💞💞

hi lovely. i know i never usually let you wait so long, so i'm sorry 😭

first of all, the irony of us being bored at the same time during class 🤣 and secondly, wait.. it's an amazing sign that he's still just as good looking, right? that means it wasn't just the hair !! though, if you decide to talk to him, i'd definitely dive into your interests at some point, bc ofc, that's how you'll find out how compatible you are.

tbh, take your time. it's fine to be shy about these things, it's rlly fkn hard to gather the courage to talk to someone. think it through, maybe make a mental list as to what you'd say to him if you spoke (and you like to ramble, i'm sure you'd find something!! i talked a guy's ears off just today 😭). but don't rush it. i bet you'll find a way and time to approach him... it'll be fun. remember he's just a human being, too!

death note? AMAZING CHOICE BTW. if you want more recs (not for the guy, but for yourself)... definitely watch the movies 'your name' or 'i want to eat your pancreas'. angsty af but so so so good.

and honestly, ivi, ramble whenever, you know the drill. i'm just happy you feel so safe and comfortable here to do so 😭 i've been pretty damn tired these days, but i'll always read and reread your messages and love them, so keep them coming 🥺

i've been okay, love! tired, as mentioned, and i'm so so worried about not being able to indulge in hobbies or be here much anymore once work starts, too. idk, i love being here, but today i couldn't put down much in my google doc, and i'm just scared of getting to a point where i can't do anything at all anymore lol but we'll see! thank you for stopping by and asking, sweetheart <333

[elliebear666]

Letter From My Child-Self

So, to preface, my therapist gave me homework months and months ago. I have rarely ever done the homework not because I didn't care or didn't want to, but because I kept forgetting... finally, months later, I got around to doing this. I'm... a little nervous to share this because it is an extremely vulnerable part of me. But... I figure, idk, I want to document it. And? If anyone out there reads this and finds something positive from it? That's amazing. This is dark, and heartbreaking, and mildly unhinged. But I think it is important that I was as open and honest as possible! I'll show this to my therapist next session!

Hey, Ellie.

It's me, Mattie.

We haven't talked in a while. I kind of miss when we used to talk a few years ago when Matthew first let you come out. We were all really scared that people would hurt you so we hid you so no one would. But we all got to spend time together. I wish we could have talked more but you needed to grow up I guess.

I think you're becoming a pretty cool lady. You're nice and you care a lot about people. You love your family and your friends a lot, even if you don't see your friends that much right now. I don't think you're doing as bad as you think you are. You really are mean to yourself and Matthew and I wish you would stop. We all worked so hard to protect you but now you're hurting yourself. It makes me sad that you feel so bad that you hurt yourself. But I understand because I also feel bad a lot. I pray a lot for things to get better but they never really do. I'm glad you don't have to deal with it all anymore though. I'm glad you're finally the person you are. I know it was super hard to live the way you were. I understand a lot more than anyone thinks I guess.

I guess I'm sad a bit because you really want someone to love you, but for so long you didn't really love yourself. So people could tell and it made them feel bad for you, but it didn't really make them want to love you in a relationship or whatever? It's really hard for people to love someone that doesn't like themselves as well as trying to love themselves. But I also know you really love people. I know you really loved your ex girlfriend. I'm sad that it got so bad though. I know you wanted to marry her and you never wanted that with someone else before so you must have loved her a lot. I hope I find someone I love that much one day. I think about getting married a lot sometimes but I think about being the girl and not the boy. I don't want to be a boy. Mom says I am and everyone says I am but I don't feel that way I just don't say anything to anybody. I tell people on the internet that I'm a girl and it makes me happy so I'll just keep doing that. I guess you understand what that's like more than anyone.

I think that you should try to get better. Not so you can do stuff other people think you should but so you can be happier. I know you want to be normal and do normal people stuff. I bet it's hard to deal with all the stuff you do. The people that made fun of you for how hard it is probably don't like themselves I guess. So I probably wouldn't listen to them much.

I'm super glad that you're being you though. I used to dream about flying away, and I'd day dream about being a girl but I'm embarrassed and I don't know what to say. I told dad that I wanted to do a movie where I'm a girl and I have the blonde wig and green dress and I'm the main character for once but I don't think he will because he only does what he wants to do and gets mad if we don't do it too.

I think you shouldn't give up on your dreams either! You're getting good at writing I think. It's hard to tell because you use some words that I haven't heard yet but I probably will eventually. The stuff you write seems really sad though and it makes me feel sad for you. I hope you follow your dreams and meet someone you love and live a happy life!

I was also thinking… it would be good for you to remember some things. Your girlfriend was really mean after you guys broke up but you were pretty bad too, maybe worse I guess. I know you feel super bad because you keep hitting yourself and hurting yourself with fire and it worries everybody. What I wanted you to remember, because those people were lying to you or about you and saying you weren't who you were, I want you to remember when we were on the computer at the trailer doing that learning game about I think it was the wild west. But one of the things you could click on was an old time dress, and we'd keep clicking it to see the woman in the dress. Do you remember how it made you feel? You wanted to wear her dress and be her. You thought it was pretty and wished you could wear something like that but we both knew mom and dad wouldn't let you and people might hurt you or mom and dad. I also want you to remember us telling people I was a girl that had parents with ponies. I know how much you and I liked horses. We liked dinosaurs and frogs and turtles too, but we really wished we could have a pony. I'm kind of sad we never did get one. I still think about it.

I know you used to have a lot of nightmares about stuff. Like about dad hitting mom and us kids. How scary he was when he got angry. We were all so scared all the time. I guess we haven't had much time to be kids. We do but also we don't I guess. It makes me sad. I know one of the things you can't forget is the time me, you, and your brothers were standing in the living room crying because dad was screaming at mom and she was crying and he pushed her and grabbed her hair and pulled her into their room. She screamed while he was pulling her and she screamed a lot once the door closed. He was hitting her and she was crying and we were so scared but we couldn't do anything. We were just kids. Or all the times I was crying so dad hit me or yelled or threw things at me. I don't know why he doesn't like me crying or being emotional. He's really awful and we all hate him, but we are more scared of him.

I also think a lot about the time we were at Jenny Wiley park at the lake and mom was going home to do some stuff but it looked like it was going to start raining but dad decided to swim across the lake for some reason and he left us there on the beach while people drank beer and were loud. I felt upset and scared, but I tried not to show it. I guess I feel like that's what he always does. He leaves and doesn't seem to care about us. He's not kind. One time, mom broke her foot because Jack's leash got wrapped around her ankle and she fell. But dad was yelling at her and telling her to stop crying because people would hear her. I was really upset because I knew she was hurt. But he didn't care or seem to notice she was really hurt. I don't know why. He doesn't seem to care or notice when we are hurt and if we cry or are loud he gets mad and yells and sometimes he gets into fights with mom about it. It's scary.

I also know you remember the stuff your older brother did to you. He was really awful. Older brothers are supposed to protect their siblings, especially their little sisters, but he didn't. He hurt us a lot. He's really mean and he keeps killing animals and they scream and he doesn't seem to care. I cry, but he just pushes me to do stuff I don't want to do so I do it anyway. One time he saw a big turtle, like a really big one! And I saw it because I loved turtles and I was going up to look at it and he picked up a big rock and smashed the turtle with it. It twitched some and there was blood everywhere and I cried a lot but he laughed at first then told me not to cry or tell mom so I didn't. I never tell mom or dad about the stuff he does. I want to but I don't. I don't really know why. He keeps hitting the dogs too and he's really scary sometimes. He also pees on my face in the shower but mom thinks he's just being silly but it doesn't feel that way. We do other stuff too, where I get to be a girl. I almost want to tell him that I am, or want to be, or something I guess. But I don't. Instead, I get to be the wife when I lay on top of him in his room and I really like that. We don't do a lot, we touch each other and stuff, but it makes me happy that I get to be a girl. I wish I could always be a girl but I guess I'm a boy. Mom keeps cutting my hair and I cry because I want long hair but she says I have to cut it or I'll get ticks. She says I look handsome but I'm just upset. The other girls in the park don't cut their hair during summer. Why do I have to? I don't really feel like a boy but I also don't know how to talk about my feelings and stuff. I don't really understand all of it. Mom and dad don't talk to me about that really so I mostly just keep stuff to myself.

I know you remember all this stuff. I wish I could have long blonde hair. I actually had a dream that I was a girl with really long curly red hair and I was on a cliffside with a Lassie dog and the grass was really tall. In the dream I look over the ocean and I feel good. But something is also not right? I think in the dream I'm sad and I don't know why. I have this dream a lot. A lot a lot I guess, where I'm this girl with her dog.

I guess that I learned some stuff from all of this at least. We get homeschooled so mom doesn't let us go outside until after the other kids get home from school. I learned a lot from her, but I also forget stuff a lot and she gets upset with me because I forget stuff so much. She said I would lose my head if it wasn't screwed on. I guess I just don't pay attention a lot. I'm daydreaming or thinking and I just don't remember what I'm doing or why. I lose stuff a lot too and I really hate cleaning my room because it is super hard. I end up taking forever because I try to play with or get distracted by a toy or something I find and forget where I was at in cleaning and it is really hard to make myself do it so I cry and mom and dad yell at me. Sometimes they help me.

I think you should work more on trying not to forget stuff because you'll end up getting in trouble a lot. I know you used to think about being a girl a lot, but just like me you didn't know what to say so you just told people you're a girl on the internet and it made you happy. I also know you dated that guy when you were thirteen or so and he was about sixteen but you told him you were 16. He was the same age as your older brother but his name was Tony. You really had feelings for him but you used pictures of girls that you weren't and you were upset that you couldn't be her. You wanted to be her so much you were really sad. That's why you make all your game characters girls. You liked the name Sarah a lot and I understand. It's a really pretty name. You ended up telling Tony the truth but it broke your heart. I remember you were so hurt and you cried and were upset when you and him got xbox together and your friends called him your butt buddy. You didn't know what to say but it hurt your feelings because you weren't a guy, really. Even if you had guy parts.

It's sad all this stuff that happened but you at least learned who you didn't want to be. Dad was awful and you learned how to care about people. But it was hard for you because you feel a lot and you don't know what to do with those big feelings. I don't either but dad doesn't like it when I cry so I try not to. I guess you at least know that if you're ever a mom you will treat your kids better. And, I wish you would stop telling people you're a normal girl? You're a girl but you're not a normal girl, I guess. I know it makes you so sad that you cry a lot and hurt yourself. I know you cry a lot because you can't have babies. That's really sad and I wish it was different but it isn't I guess. You know who you are at least. Even if it took a long time to be you. You're doing it now and I'm proud of you.

I talked a lot about bad stuff, but I also want you to remember good stuff that happened! Like when we went to Ripley's Believe It Or Not! Like two of them I think! And the zoo's and the theme parks! Like Dollywood! Or that night where you and your older brother crawled under the neighbor's trailer during a big storm to save those baby puppies that were under the trailer! We felt so good that we'd saved the puppies. Or, do you remember when we first started playing Final Fantasy 8 on the playstation? I know you loved that game a lot! It had romance and you wanted to be Rinoa. You watched the intro a lot and took the instruction booklet with you and asked mom if you could listen to Breathless from the Corr's on the portable CD player. You listened to it again and again while you thought about being Rinoa. I remember it made you happy. She was so pretty and you wanted to be like her. Do you remember the first time someone called us "She"? I know I'll never forget! I was being a girl for one of dad's movies and I got to wear a wig and that green dress so I wore mom's shoes and I went outside because I wanted people to see I was a girl. I really wanted people to see me as a girl.

For the movie I had to get hit by a car for one scene, and I was lying in front of the car by the front wheel, and an old lady got super upset and pulled over and ran over to us and said, "Is she okay!?" And I know it made me feel so good. That someone called me she? They saw me as a girl? I knew then even more that I wanted to be treated that way. I wanted to be called "she" but I only could do it online when I talked to other people in gamespy lobbies and stuff. That was one of my biggest moments as a kid! I've never been able to forget it! I know you didn't either! I also remember how I used to record my voice with the stand up microphone and I'd change it so it sounded like a girl. It made me so happy! I know you did that a lot too, and didn't want to talk in games with people because you didn't sound like a girl. You thought a lot about voice changers but you couldn't find one that would work. Now you don't need one!

I guess now I said all that, I want to ask something from you, Ellie? Sorry I wrote a lot. I guess I had a lot to say. Ummm. I want you to start loving yourself more. And loving that you are who you are. Because *I*really, really want to be who *you* are. It makes me sad and hurt when you tell yourself you hate yourself because I know how much happier you are now that you're a girl. Though I guess you always were a girl, you just look more and sound more like one now too!

I wish too that… you would be safe for the nieces and nephews. Because I need a safe person I could tell anything. I don't really have anyone I can tell my secrets to. I wish I had you so I could tell you my secrets. I feel like you'd have taken me away. Even though mom and dad said they'd have me taken away or that I'd get taken if I told anyone what dad did. I feel like you would take really good care of me, even if you would forget stuff a lot. Because you can say "no"! I can't really. If I do, dad hits me and then sometimes hits mom.

Can you please stand up for us? And… Can you please not let people be bad to us anymore? Matthew can't protect us anymore. So you've got to. But I think you'd be a better mom than Matthew would have been a dad. He didn't want to be a dad. Or a brother or a son or husband. So he said he'd never have kids or get married.

Would you be willing to maybe… draw or paint with me sometimes? I like doing that a lot. We could paint cats or draw dragons and knights! I miss watching you and your old girlfriend paint. I wanted to play with her but I was scared and Matthew was always worried she would leave him. But she said she loved him a lot and called him "baby" and they kissed and laid together a lot so I think she did. I don't know though. I guess we all miss her.

Also um… can you please be more nice to everyone? I know Matthew was really sad and upset and he was hurting himself and wanted to die… he said that a lot. But you don't have to live like that anymore. I know you don't look how you should and you have to change your voice… but it makes me feel scared when you get mad at people. You get so mad and it reminds me of dad only… he didn't apologize. You do, though. I guess you should try not to do stuff you need to apologize for.

I guess the last thing is that… when you get a boyfriend or a girlfriend, would you maybe… be a kid sometimes with them? I won't come out. You'll just be little Ellie. But that's good enough for me. I guess I'm a little sad about how things are. I feel lonely and sad and I don't know what to do. I want friends, but I want to be friends with girls. But all the girls you could have been friends with you ended up liking. Or they stopped talking to you when they got boyfriends. I know how sad you were about that. It happened. A lot. You felt like I do about mom and dad and everyone I guess. Like they don't love me or want me. Like they'll leave me alone and I'll be alone. I don't want to be alone, Ellie. I don't like being alone...

I miss your ex girlfriend's friends sometimes. Not all of them. Some of them were mean. But it felt good to have girls to talk to. We both get really, really lonely. I wish I could have talked to them and told them things but I don't guess they cared. They were her friends not yours. You tried to be friends but… you did really bad stuff and then no one wanted to talk to you anymore.

Don't be like dad and your older brother. I know you're not but sometimes I feel like you forget that you've never been like them. We are so sensitive… and we feel so much. I get overwhelmed a lot. You do too. But I'd rather feel too much than not enough.

Ellie? I love you so much. I know you love me too and I wish that things were different for us. I wish we'd been born right but I guess it's just part of our story.

Sometimes I miss Matthew too. Not… that I want to be him but… he was my friend. And he was your friend too. I got so used to him being around that I miss having a guy like him in my life I guess. I guess you do too.

I wonder if his ex girlfriend experienced him the same way we did? He really loved people a lot but he was really hurting and sad and he was so angry and lost. I think he saw parts of you in her, Ellie. He saw someone like you. You saw parts of yourself through his eyes. And you wished you could be like her. I'm sorry stuff got bad. I know you wanted to be her friend, but you and Matthew loved her so much I don't think you could have ever been her friend because she would have other boyfriends and it would hurt you so much you'd cry. But you would have stayed because you loved her. So... I guess that's part of why you pushed her away. Because if you saw her kissing someone else it would make you want to die and it would hurt too much.

Please be good to yourself. We all love you so much and we are proud of how far you've come.

The last thing is… don't hate Matthew? He didn't act right. And he hurt people and was mean sometimes. But he always meant well. He really loved people. He just didn't love himself because he wasn't even real I guess. Don't hate him or blame yourself. He made mistakes. You made mistakes. But… all of those bad things he did, he wished every day he could take it back and make it right. He kept hurting people even though he didn't want to. I guess he was hurting so much that everyone around him ended up hurt too. Which is sad.

Matthew and I still love you so much and we will always be here if you want to talk. We know you're here for us too.

Thank you for being you, Ellie.

Love,

Mattie

[lancerious]

Saw this post, wanted to answer it, yeah lol

Lancer & Spade King (shocker), each in their own ways. Almost nobody hcs these characters exactly how I do therefore everyone else is automatically wrong (jk you do what you want within reason lol). Those are the 2 big ones, I can't think of many other characters to put here

As an aroace I am obligated to not reply to this one :P

I don't want to push any buttons here, but I DO NOT like seeing fanart depicting Lancer & Spade King in animalistic fashions. Idc if they mostly resemble their canon selves or if they're something else entirely, this gets on my nerves either way. Really though, I'm against any characters having an "animal-ification" if they're not explicitly resembling an animal

I don't block people rly often tbh, I mostly block bots lol. I usually block people who are overly clingy, if anyone at all. That's as specific as I'm getting :P

Idk man, I don't actively seek out bad Discord servers

Ship FANS? Can't rly think of any, I tend to stay as far away from the shipping portion of any fandom as possible. I can think of SHIPS I hate, but not shipping fans

Noelle. I'm sorry y'all, I terribly dislike Noelle at this point ONLY because of how popular and adored she is. She takes attention away from TONS of other characters! That's not right. I kinda feel the same way about Spamton, but to a lesser extent

Spade King is a irredeemable character. I bet the ONLY reason people say this is because Deltarune isn't finished yet. I've said it before and I'll say it again, other characters have done FAR worse things and are still treasured characters. There is hardly ANY basis behind this opinion

I think the fact that I can't think of anything to say here after a few minutes proves there's not a lot I dislike about canon, at least when it comes to Deltarune which is what I'm basing my answers on

Does the over-popularity of maybe 3 specific characters at any time count here? Because if it does this is my answer 100%, I HATE THIS TREND

Had to look in my settings for this one lol, I'll list all my Deltarune-related filters: #lancer rpg (<- may seem weird but people who post here don't talk about the Deltarune Lancer at all), #noelle, #noelle holiday, #queen deltarune, & #spamvil. I'm considering getting rid of the "#queen deltarune" tag since this was added when I wasn't keen on Queen, whereas Idrc much about her now

Uh, SPADE KING? HELLO? Who else should I put here, Lancer? Yeah it's these two again, don't be surprised. I would say more but I think most who see this get my points already

Uhhhhh I have literally no idea, I don't follow blorbo stuff too closely

I admittedly don't read a lot of fanfic so I don't know what to put here either  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

See number 3, alternatively I also see a smaller trend of people having Spade King & Lancer be thinner than they canonically are which I also disagree with

Headcannoning Lancer as being too old or too young. Imo, 6 or younger is too young, while anything above 12 is really pushing it. I even think 12 is pushing it a bit, but I can accept it

PEOPLE WHO DRAW LANCER & SPADE KING HOW THEY ARE CANONICALLY. Yeah I know I keep bringing this up, but this is one of my largest issues with both characters, ESPECIALLY Lancer

Dare I mention Spade King & Lancer again? Yeah I'll just stop here

Idk, Spamton maybe? I was against his character for so long because he was SOOO popular (still is lol that hasn't changed about him), but it does kinda irk me that I like him a decent amount now. My opinion of him has definitely gone down since I last ranked him, but still. I guess I was worn down or something again Idk :P

Idk man

Oh boy, I think I'm gonna have to say Suselle. This is LARGELY due to me generally not giving a literal damn about ships, canonical or not. And it definitely seems like Suselle is--or at least will later be--canon. Sorry ship lovers, I don't see eye-to-eye with you on this one

Not my fav part of canon, but the fact that Lancer is CANONICALLY PART OF THE FUN GANG. HOW DO PEOPLE MISS THIS. HOW DO PEOPLE FORGET TO ADD LANCER TO FUN GANG FANART SO MANY FREAKING TIMES. DO Y'ALL HAVE DEMENTIA AND FORGOT LANCER WAS THERE OR NOT?

Literally none. The only ship I can possibly think of is Queen x Rouxls, but I spend 0 time thinking about this ship, plus I don't even know the official ship title for this. This is the ONLY SHIP I have SOME positivity for. I either outright despise or feel absolutely nothing for all other ships

People arguing about Spade King and whether he's a decent character or not. Admittedly I haven't seen too much arguing on this, partly because most people I know online either love his character or are neutral on him. But I imagine this topic would lead to all sorts of chaos

Don't really have anything to say here tbh

Ok I'm done now :P

🔥 choose violence ask game 🔥

the character everyone gets wrong

a compelling argument for why your fave would never top or bottom

screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

what was the last straw that made you finally block that annoying person?

worst discord server and why

which ship fans are the most annoying?

what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

worst part of canon

worst part of fanon

number of fandom-related words you've filtered

the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

worst blorboficiation

that one thing you see in fics all the time

that one thing you see in fanart all the time

you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

there should be more of this type of fic/art

it's absolutely criminal that the fandom has been sleeping on...

you're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like...

part of canon you found tedious or boring

part of canon you think is overhyped

your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

ship you've unwillingly come around to

topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

[1d1195]

Definitely get the whole vibe of everyone relying on you! I basically have the same role in my family too :/ While i would literally do anything for my family(not extended family bc thats a DIFFERENT story lol) it is very draining especially when at times it may not be reciprocated in a way that actually helps. So youre not alone in that and it doesn't make you a bad person for saying those things either! And yeah i did say im the eldest daughter! I only have one sibling which is my brother but he's only 2 years younger than me. We are actually very close and i love him to death! BUT what's wild is that personally I don't think we are too similar but apparently we are according to others lol We are also both Aquarians which is also WILD!

ANYWAYSSSSSS That is kinda sad to think about it like that :( But honestly I think you would love to see and particpate in a Day of the Dead celebration! It's just a different way of viewing death and th process of it like making the offerings and decorating is so fun! Well at least when we do it we cook/buy our loved ones fave foods and it comes naturally the nice memories we have shared with them. also idk if i've mentioned this but i LOVE flowers like obsessed! so I enjoy that aspect too! Plus it really does kick off your b-day month so IT"S A WIN! also WE ARE THE SAME once again, i have ALWAYS been obsessed with my ancestry too! Have you taken one of those DNA tests or Ancestry tests??? And you can ask whenever/whatever you want!

I say you could totally write a cool biography or even like a memoir! I think that would be such a fun little project even if it's just for yourself!

like bestie you don't understand, this man's arms look GOOD so i get the vibe of liking forearms! it's totally not weird! I mean I have a thing for noses(according to my friends bc i have never truly noticed 😭) and hands! Or maybe something might be wrong with me 😂

It was for a good deal too! It was $10 for a HARDCOVER of Oscar Wilde's "The Picture of Dorian Gray" and im exicted since it looks like I might actually start this book lol Have you read anything fun or new recently?

ALSO SAM THE RIGHT HERE EXTRA WAS SO GOOD 😭I forgot how cute these two are and how perfect they are 😭 Harry in this is just so 😭 i love a good sick fic and the comfort of it all! BUT HER SAYING I LOVE YOU FIRST!? Why did i think Harry already said that?? lol But I found it so cute it was her and its so perfect the way you wrote about how knowing that Harry loved her back was like the last thing for her to FULLY be herself! loved it so much Sam, you never disappoint!-💜

That's so funny. My extended family is a mess too. I was actually discussing it with one of my aunts on my mom's side this weekend. My dad's side is A LOT™ Like idk what happened we were discussing it and I was like "wow, i love these people but I do not like them. wtf." That's cool you have a brother, I always wanted a brother. But I'm def the son my parents never had either lol. I bet you're a killer older sister. My sister is also ~2 years younger than me and that's so wild how similar we are! My sister is way more outgoing than I am, she's probs smarter, and infinitely more confident (I said double it and give it to the next one in the womb). What's your brother like? It's funny you think you're not like him but others do! I think my sister and I are different but we have SO many similarities.

I've done 23 and Me! The results were unsurprising. I was hoping for more nitty gritty details but I'd like to do the Ancestry one too because then I could maybe get some of the more interesting info I want. Okay you've convinced me. Maybe I'll write a memoir 😂 OH I LOVE FLOWERS TOO! I bought a headband at TJMaxx and wore it. My coworker (Spanish teacher) loved it! It had really pretty flowers and I know I mentioned it last but I think Coco is one of the most BEAUTIFUL Disney movies on the planet and it's DEFINITELY the flowers. That's a beautiful tradition--eating their favorite food 😭 that's so so nice. I hope I can participate somehow sometime that would be really cool.

Noses and forearms aren't we a pair!? 😭

Picture of Dorian Gray is on my bookshelf! I tried reading it years ago but I struggled. It's on my shelf though so it means it's gonna be read by the end of the year hahahaha Let me know how you like it! 😊

HAHAHAHAHA I always go back and reread when I write a new part to check for plot holes but I REALLY had to go back and read to see if he said it (if you read between the lines of the original part he def says it) I feel like I kinda struggled falling in love--as much as I write about it I feel like there's something wrong with me--love in books and the way I feel love is very different. Idk maybe I'm weird. I've been fantasizing about love since I was 11/12/13. Maybe I set myself up for failure in believing the stories more than reality. ALL OF THAT was to say that I think I wrote her just finally feeling at peace to be herself, to really feel in love because it's something I always struggled with.

Thank you for being the utmost supportive in everything 💕

xoxo