#idk i was Really Tired yesterday but it also let me just not keep my wall up for a couple hours

[blueprint-han]

did i make a mistake?

[tiyanasfantasy]

He’s Mine ❦.

wussupp 😼!

i’m bored and i was watching this tiktok and it had this sound and i wanted to write something for it soo, yea

im still getting used to writing again so don’t expect nothing too good, ALSO TY FOR THE LOVE ON MY LAST POST 🥹!

i jus wan 👩🏽‍❤️‍💋‍👩🏽👩🏽‍❤️‍💋‍👩🏽👩🏽‍❤️‍💋‍👩🏽..

EREN x Blackfem!Reader ❦.

Warnings: Language, not proofread,Yall a lil toxic,

enjoy ❦.

you and connie broke up everyday, this was nothing new.

y’all had got into an argument today because some girl had responded to his story on instagram saying “#NeedThat” and this boy thought it was funny and started entertaining it, even tho he was mostly trolling and you and him both know he’d never cheat it still made you mad cause… wtfk??

“bro yn you overreacting, you know ion want that btc, you actin like i was asking her on a date or sum shii, ian even say nothing that indicated i wanted her.” he said while he was waving the phone around in your face trying to show you he had blocked her.

“ion gaf bout you blocking her, why tfk you texting her back and entertaining her anyways?? you know how embarrassing ts is for me?”

eren lowk knew he was wrong and that he should just give in and tell you he’s sorry, but the nga so stubborn and sassy that he just had to win the argument.

“you know what yn, ionc no more you wanna be mad, be mad, im tired of yo shii.”

he walked over to the dresser and put on a shirt, then grabbed his keys and started walking towards the front door.

“so you just leaving ? like you always do when you know you wrong, it’s not that fucking hard to apologize instead of acting like a lil btc about it.”

one thing about eren, he don’t play that b wrd shii.

he turned around and looked at you (he was muggin real hard 2)

“bro, keep running yo fkin mouth, see what happen” idk who he was feelin like, but he was pointing all in yo face n shii.

“boy you better gtf outta my face”

he scoffed and started walking to the door again, before he left out he said “we done” you rolled your eyes and said “type shii”

like i said before, this wasn’t nothing new. you knew he was gone be back in the next 24 hours (or less)

time skip: 4 hours later, it’s 8:30.

eren was at a party (hoin, ofc) and you seen on his story that he out was showin out?? he had girls dancing all on him and shii, ouu girll.

so ofc, you bein you, had to show him how to really act bad. you fixed yo hair, made sure the lace was melted honey, did yo makeup and got dressed, you called sasha, mikasa, zar, and jatavia and told them what the move was.

when yall got to the party, first thing you see, this ho ass boy getting twerked on, you ain’t really care tho, he wasn’t really touching her so you didn’t mind that bad, but that was still yo nga so it pyo a little bit, but once again, you bein you, you went yo to jean and started throwin downnn.

Jatavia started laughing “Girl he gone getcho lil ass” “he doin the the shit, idc.”

girl lemme tell you, when eren looked up and seen ts he was ready to crash out damn near, but him, bein the sassy lil princess he is, had to 1 up you.

he grabbed this this girl byyyy her neck and kissed her??? not only that he was making eye contact with you while he did it.

then then he pulled away from the kiss and lead the ho out the door ..

ts blew yo whole mood, but you didn’t let it show ofc, you left the party like 20 mins later tho.

the next day

you were getting ready to go to another party ony was throwing, you and Jatavia were getting ready to meet sasha, mikasa, and zar there.

15 minutes later yall get there, yall having a good time, you really only went out tn to get yesterdays events out of your head.

sure yall not together “technically” and eren could do what he wanted but that’s wasn’t the point. it’s the principle of the situation.

after dancing for a bit you went into the kitchen to get something to drink, when you walked in you seen Eren, Armin, Connie, Ony, and Jean passing the splif around.

“hey yn” connie said nodding his head up at you smirking as he looked back and forth between you and eren.

“don’t piss me off rn” you said while you were digging through the fridge. “ony where all yo good drinks at damn?” you pulled a capri sun out then leaned again the fridge.

“fuck is you staring at” you looked at eren and mugged him when you seen him staring at you.

“i’m sorry ma, you straight?” you rolled your eyes “you kissed that ho infront me and everybody else, then proceeded to take the bitch hand and go somewhere and fuck her? you dead to me.”

Ony, Armin, Jean and Connie was sitting there being messy sayin shii like “he said her shii was trash” “he miss you tho” “ok but he diddd say sorry”

“first off” he walked in front of you, leaning on the island.

“i didn’t touch her, i was just doin that to get a reaction out of you, then you was twerking on jean??”

“only cause you was letting that bitch twerk on you”

as you were talking, that same lil ho walked into the kitchen.

“girl you just mad i took yo nga, everytime yall into it he be with me, beating shii down.” she stood next to eren and crossed her arms, you looked at him with that “dpmo” look then back at her.

“ma, she lyin i swear, only thing i ever did with her was kiss, and i only did it once, which was yesterday.” eren said while moving away from her and going next to you.

the girl rolled her eyes “you just gone sit there and lie?, tell her the truth.”

(this story alr corny but here come the cornier part 😂)

before eren could defend himself you spoke up…

“He might be doing you, but he's thinkin' about me so, baby, think about another lover, and go find another brother”

then here go connie “Period sis, clock it.”

the girl rolled her eyes “girl boo, that’s not yo nga. he fa me.”

“I know he's my man, he's all in my hands, It feels good when he calls my name, Don't you wish you had the same? Feeling disgust working your stuff 'Til he thinks about mine, Now he's feeling real high, You ask why? cause he's mine.”

she was getting a lil mad too, then connie and them in the back being messy tb “she clocking you boo” lil sassy tails. then eren just sitting there laughing at them.

“that’s not what he saying last not tho. “ooo to shii so fye, the bets i ever had.” he love me suh, i love him too.” she said with a petty smile on her face.

erens eyes widen at this, this was really delusional?? “nihh wtfk?? on everything i love i wasn’t witchu last night, after i took you outside i got in my car, by myself, and went to connie shii.”

“Tell you something that just ain't cool, Never fall in love with a man who don't love you, oh, I wouldn't waste my time telling you something wrong,You've been with him one night, and now he's coming home.”

connie:”I know that’s right”

He's mine, you may have had him once, But I got him all the time, Went out on a date, wasn't out too late, Took you to a room, and you gave it up too soon, Played you like a trick 'cause you let him hit, Now he's coming home to a lover that is strong, I got all his love, baby, don't try to take it, You wanted a piece, you were mistaken, 'Cause he belongs to me, Baby, can't you see?

eren pulled in you for a kiss making eye contact with the girl, “i’m sorry ma, shoulda never did that. i love you.” the girl shook her head and walked away.

“you fucked her eren?” he sucked his teeth “you know ian fuck her, this to dck, i promise ian touch her.”

you looked up at him, you know he didn’t do nothing with her. you pecked his lips.

“let’s go home.”

YALL this so cornyyy wtf 😭… also i rushed the end cause i got bored + i ran out of ideas so sorry if it seemed rushed or youn like it .

but ty for reading!

gimme some requests on some songs yall wanttt !!

bye bye

kisses 💋. gn ilyy ❦.

[chronicbeans]

Puppeteer Wally Darling x (G/N) Puppet Reader

idk if this will be a series or just a one off so LET'S GOOOOOO (if you want a part two, let me know in the comments of this post.

TW: Obsessive and Possessive Behavior, Kidnapping? (Can you kidnap a puppet? IDK but we're putting that warning just in case), Controlling Behavior

Wally Darling grins widely as he puppeteers the star of the show, (Y/N) (L/N), in a scene within their home. As sad as he is that he cannot voice them, as well, just bringing their personality to life through their motions is enough for him. Voicing his beloved (Y/N) is all up to Sam, their voice actor/actress. Sam, who also happens to be out sick, today. Just like yesterday. And the day before that...

"Aaannddd... CUT! Great job, Wally. You did great! If only Sam were here. Have you heard any word from them?" The director sits back in their chair, staring at the puppeteer on set. Everybody has been asking him about Sam, today. Why are they asking him? Is it because they don't get along?

"No. Sorry. I haven't heard a word. They don't tell me anything." "Alright. Well, you can go take a break, Wally. You've been filming for about... Woah! I must've lost track! You've been filming for NINE hours straight! Isn't your arm tired from being upright for so long?" Wally shakes his head, grinning as wide as a Cheshire. "I can't feel my arm at this point... but I can keep going! I'm always happy to keep going! (Y/N) means so much to me-!"

"Take a break, Wally... And put that puppet back in the storage, will you?" The director looks over to one of the camera people, telling them to turn off the camera, before muttering to themself "He's an amazing puppeteer, but Jesus... He treats that thing like it's alive..."

He quickly runs to his little office, taking (Y/N) with him. Placing the puppet on his desk, he gives his arms a rest as he lies back in his seat. Letting out a long sigh, he looks over to the limp puppet on his desk. Sitting it up and leaning it against a pile of books and folders, he smiles. Surely, the director won't mind if he keeps (Y/N) out of that dingy old box for a little while... As long as they get back in there by the time he leaves, it should be fine.

"I wonder why everybody keeps asking me about Sam, (Y/N)? Do they think I did something to them? Sure, we don't get along, and they clearly don't have as much passion for you as I do! I would never hurt them, though! Do you think I would hurt them?" He looks down to the puppet, smiling. Of course, it doesn't answer. It still feels nice to act like (Y/N) answers and understands. "Thank you for the kind words. It really helps! I love working with you, but the others can be so stressful, sometimes!"

Wally looks away for a moment, checking a few papers on his desk. His schedule seems rather empty for the next week. He had already gotten most of the filming for the episode done today! Only two more scenes require (Y/N). He wishes that there were a few more, to be honest. He prefers working to having nothing to do all day. Maybe he-

"Where... WHERE AM I?!"

Wally's eyes widen, hearing the familiar voice. He looks over to (Y/N), seeing that they have now toppled over onto their side. Their arms flail slightly, as they squeak out "Where am I?! Who? What?! This isn't the neighborhood!"

As much as he wants to squeal with excitement, they are being rather loud. That, alongside the fact that they are voiced, and still sound like, Sam... and people are a bit suspicious of Wally for some reason... He quickly grabs them, placing a hand over their mouth as he quickly says "Be quiet! Someone might hear! I'll explain as much as I can! Just be... Quiet. Here, let me help you back upright."

He picks the puppet up, feeling them squirm a bit in his hands, then sits them back where they were. They raise their arms, which shake as they do so. As they look up to him, he feels his heart swell with joy.

He doesn't know how this has happened... And, frankly... He doesn't care. (Y/N) is talking! (Y/N) is moving! (Y/N) is... (Y/N) is alive! Shaken, yes, but still alive! It's his greatest wish come true! All the work he's put in to bring this character that he loves oh so much to life... Did he have something to do with this? Did his wish for (Y/N) to be able to talk back, move, and live a life in his world make it actually happen?

It doesn't matter. All that matters is that his little puppet is here, in front of him, and able to truly interact with him.

"What's going on...?" Their legs shift slightly, but not much. "Why do my legs feel weird? I can barely move my legs?!" Wally pats their head, saying "Shh... It'll be alright. To be honest, I'm not entirely sure what is going on, either. I can tell you where you are, though. First thing's first, though... I'm Wally Darling! I already know who you are, (Y/N). Before you ask, I'll let you know how I know your name."

He goes through everything. The studio, the show, how they are a puppet. To his shock, they already knew they were a puppet, just not exactly what it meant... They didn't know somebody was controlling them in their world. The poor little thing seems so confused! It looks like their head is spinning!

He picks up (Y/N), grinning from ear to ear as he says "Don't worry, (Y/N)! I'll keep you safe! This world is large and dangerous for a puppet like you! I, as your kind puppeteer, will make sure you are safe from harm!" To his shock, (Y/N) only flails, saying "I want to go back to my world! My neighborhood!"

Wally's eyes widen. They want to go back? To leave him? He knows that it is the right thing to do, but he simply cannot have it. As much as he wants to make his lovely little puppet happy... they can just learn to be happy with him! There's no reason why they can't, right?

A simple shake of his head was all it took for them to visibly lose hope. "I'm afraid I can't do that. I care about you too much to let you go back! Think about it... I explained how your world is a show, right? It is like... think of it like a little lie. Would you rather go back to your world, cursed with the knowledge that everything you say and do, see and hear, and all your friends, are just a lie? That it isn't real? Or would you rather stay here, where everything is real?"

(Y/N) shakes their head, again. "I could go back and tell them the truth! I could let them know what is going on! I could-" "Not if I don't let you. I control what you do in that world. If I don't let you tell them, then you can't." "I still want to go home. I want to see my friends, again. I want to go back to Home and take a rest." "You can take a rest at my house!" "I WANT TO GO HOME!" "Be quiet! The others might notice! I might be treating this like it is normal, but if others saw you moving about, they would scream! Stay still-!"

Wally quickly places his hand over their mouth, again, as the director walks in. "What is going on in here?!" Wally chuckles, nervous, as he says "I'm just practicing my (Y/N) impression! You know, since Sam has been out for a while. We don't want to get behind on episodes just because they are gone! Who knows when they will be back?"

The director's eyes trail to the limp puppet in the man's hands. "I thought I told you to put that thing away! Why do you still have it out?" Wally flinches, quickly thinking of an excuse. "Well, I needed to practice not only the voice, but also puppeteering while talking. Since I usually only have to puppeteer, I thought it would help to practice doing both?" The director sighs, nodding.

Then, the best words he has ever heard come out of their mouth happen.

"Just take that puppet home with you, if you want. You clearly have something wrong in the head to be so... ungodly attached to it. You'd probably would keep it in better condition than when we leave them in the storage boxes, anyway."

With that, the director slammed the door to Wally's office shut. The puppet in Wally's arms began to move once more, looking up to Wally with fear. They immediately begin to squirm, trying to get out of his grasp, only for him to hold them still with ease. "Come on, (Y/N)! Let me show you just how much you'll love it here! I'll show you how happy your show makes the children of this world, as well as how much fun this world can be! Anything for you to stay, (Y/N)!"

He grabs a small, cardboard box, then places the struggling puppet inside. Quickly stapling it shut, he then pokes a few little holes into the top. Yes, technically, a puppet cannot breathe, but he still feels bad keeping them in a dark box during transport. Picking up the box, he takes it to his car, saying "Don't worry. The ride will be short. I love relatively close to the studio! Just stay calm, alright?"

"LET ME OUT! WALLY! WALLY! LET ME GO!!!" The box shuffles in the car seat, the puppet inside clearly being in distress as he drives down the road. "WALLY!" (Y/N) peeks out of one of the holes in the box. "I don't know what you are doing, but you are clearly not being a nice neighbor! LET ME GO!" "It's too late. Even if I wanted to, we are already at my house! Come on, let me show you around!" "You could just drive me back-" "LET ME SHOW YOU AROUND!"

He quickly swoops the box into his arms, carrying it into his house as the puppet inside throws itself against the cardboard walls, attempting to escape. He rushes inside, closing the door behind him, before placing the box on his couch. Popping open the lid, (Y/N) pokes their head out, frantically looking around the room.

Their face would've grown pale, if it could've, as they survey the room. Their expression twists, as much as their felt face could allow, into a look of anxiety and fear. Looking around, Wally is slightly confused. What could be wrong with his home? There isn't anything that is obscene or dangerous, as far as he is aware. Then, it hits him.

This place is Wally sized, not (Y/N) sized. The small puppet, who is only around 3 feet tall, give or take, will have a bit of trouble navigating his home. Especially with the fact that they don't seem used to their puppet body. Normally, he would feel bad or sorry, then help accommodate his beloved little puppet. Considering the fact that they clearly want to escape him, however...

This is perfect.

Even more so, because felt hands won't have as much traction and grip on things like doorknobs, windowsills, and the likes. It's going to be harder for them to try to get out without his permission. As much as he hates knowing that he is making (Y/N) unhappy, it truly is for the best!

"Aww... (Y/N), this will only be for a week! Then, I have to go back to work! Maybe... Maybe, when I puppeteer you at work, on set, you'll go back to your world? Just wait. If my theory is true, you'll be back in no time!" The puppet nods, folding their arms. They look away from Wally, clearly upset and full of dismay.

Wally picks up (Y/N), holding them in his arms gently, almost like he is cradling the most precious thing in the world. To him, he is. Nothing could compare to (Y/N)! The effect they have had on the children who watch the show brings him such joy. The way they talk about kindness, acceptance, generosity, and creativity is all that he has wanted to see in life. He has always wanted that kindness, that acceptance, and affection for himself! Now, he can. Now, he can have (Y/N).

His co-workers may call him crazy, saying something is wrong with him... having crushes on fictional characters is childish in their eyes- something an adult shouldn't do. They've been on his back for him talking to the puppet like it could talk back, how he never seems to let it go, and how his little obsession is made stranger, considering that he puppeteers the character. They've always told him that (Y/N) isn't real and to let go. Jokes on them, because now Wally's precious, sweet (Y/N) is real! They're real and they're his.

[robberskisses]

The boy next door pt 2

Part one

cw: matty healy x reader, mentions of drinking, smut.

note: idk how I wrote so much for just one tiny part, not proofread as I want to get these parts posted and I’m tired :,)

As your alarm clock rings, wind gushes your hair into your face, reaching to move it out of the way you start batting your eyelids, as you suddenly remember everything. You spin your head to face the other way. He isn’t there. Just the window wide open, making your room all cold and you start to feel frustrated. You knew your imagination could run wild, but this? He had to have been here last night. You know it was real, you felt it. You spring up feeling deaf with silence, taking a glance out of the window; Matty’s window was closed along with his curtains too. In this state you had no other choice but to get ready, and you did quickly.

Creeping downstairs once again, you grab to trail your bike out when you decide to quickly take a peek if Matty has left yet, you know the part where he brought you home wasn’t a dream, and he did say he felt bad about you riding to school. Surely if he had slept in your bed he would remember the offer on at least one day. Peeking through the shutters of the window you feel a sense of relief. Leaning onto his van, smoking a fag, he stood right infront of your house.

“Hey” you say stepping out of your door, in your best efforts to sound chill about what could or could not have happened. He looks up abruptly from his cig he was attempting to relight, “y/n im so sorry” he motions his hands out towards you, “leaving your window open, I had no way to close it when I climbed back through this morning, I”. So it was real. The boy next door had stayed over, told you that you were beautiful, and the worst part is you were the one to kiss him. But maybe the best part was how calm he was about it all, how he only cared about leaving the window open.

“That’s okay,I didn’t even notice”, you lie, “the temperature isn’t all too bad out here in spring” you add as you walk to the van door. He lets out a sigh of relief whilst trying to take an extra step forward to open the door for you, “I was scared about you getting cold or sick that’s all”. You hide the way your blushing by looking out of the window when he gets in. “Your words got to me” you look his way, “I’d really like to come tonight, if that’s okay with you”. “That’s cool” he responds with a smile. Something in your heart hurts a little when this was such a big thing to you, part of you hoped you weren’t just another one of his side hookups, and the moment you got to school he would just go quiet on you.

Feeling nervous as the pair of you arrive at school, you peer over at him wondering if he wants you to get out first and clear off before he gets out. “What?” He glares back at you. “Have I got something on my face” he says whilst going up to grab the font mirror, smushing his lips around to check his teeth. “No sorry, no I was just wondering if we were getting out” you interrupt his face scan. Looking your way with a sense of relief he rolls his eyes sarcastically, “ahhh are you getting used to me opening so many doors for you, wait a minute i’l be around in a sec princess”, he laughs, you do too, feeling the usual flush you do around him. Hurrying around and opening the door for you, hopping out you look around for the girls you made friends with yesterday. “Leaving me so soon?” Matty says whilst getting a pack out of his bag. “Well I can’t exactly waltz into the boys school can I?” You respond. “You wouldn’t pretend to be a boy just to spend more time with me, hmm maybe we aren’t as good of neighbours as I thought we were” he says sarcastically, patting the top of your hair lightly, “See ya later”. “Bye matty” you reply. Should I tell them everything or should I keep quiet, you think to yourself, whilst you want to tell your new friends every last detail and reminisce out loud on what had just happened last night, you are also aware of two things. Firstly, they all are obsessed with him, and you don’t want to loose your first group of friends through jealousy or coming across as a slut. You are aware of how dramatic you sound, and second, yesterday you spent the entire day rattling off how much you hated him, you are going to sound crazy.

You spot the girls sitting on the steps that enter the girls school as they sip on their morning milk. “Umm did we just see you get out of you know who’s car” Lacey says questioning you, the group of them all peer your way like knives. “I did, it was so weird he just randomly offered a lift, we basically sat in silence like the whole time though” you respond. Meagan tilts her head in confusing “Him offering a lift.. unheard of, he must be in the best mood of his life”. You laugh nervously, “he did mention he has a gig tonight though, somewhere called volume bar?” You add trying to build your story. The girls begin to bustle excitedly, “y/n you better be joining us” Lacey says, “He probably picked you up to promote it” Liliya says giggling, “We usually hear about these things weeks in advance, must be last minute”. “Haha probably” you lie, “Il definitely be there though”.

Spending the next two hours planning your outfits, you learn how obsessed the teenage girl is with the teenage boy. Being isolated in your small town from them really held you back from an entire life of addiction. They assessed boys like assignments, knowing what they liked and what they didn’t, the patterns in their behaviour, how to impress them and get their attention. The one thing that confused you though, was how little they really knew about Matty. They grew up alongside him, yet viewed him as the cold hearted, rouge boy you thought of him to be, knowing him for a day. Strange, strange, strange you thought to yourself.

As the day grew closer to an end and the girls whispered to other classmates about the gig and helped you with what you should wear, Liliya suggesting you would apparently suit curled hair more than anything, the moment the boys came into mass, silence finally calms your ears. Finding his seat you see Matty, he ever so slightly smiles your way. “Did you see that y/n, did you actually just see that” Meagan says in a panicked tone. The girls all glance your way around you. “Yea I saw he just smiled at you” You lie. She starts going on how she knows he’s always had a thing for her. Being scared Matty was using you, and embarrassed of being around you, you have no idea why you are the one hiding whatever the pair of you have going on.

“Y/n you should totally ask Matty some questions about Meagan on the ride home. “Oh my god please you’d be the bestest friend ever if you did” she exclaims, hugging you. “Don’t make it too obvious though”. You nod wandering over to Matty’s van once again. For some reason, all of the girls talk about Matty today makes you more excited than you ever have been to see him, to spend time with him.

“Hey” you say as you arrive to them loading the vehicle up with instruments. “I don’t think there’s enough space in here for another person, your gonna have to rely on a ride home from George I’m afraid” Matty tells you trying to roll a drum in. You glance at his friend George, half smiling. “Hi” he says more out of it than you’ve ever seen a person. “If it’s too much trouble I can just walk, it’s okay” you say trying to avoid an awkward fifteen minutes. He turns around proudly after successfully getting the final piece of kit in, “don’t worry he’s going the same way”. “Don’t worry il still be able to get you tonight, and open the door for you” he winks. You giggle at home whilst trying to stay cool in-front of the band you’d heard so much about, “Just please don’t make it too obvious your there to pick me up” you whisper to Matty before stepping over to George’s car. Getting in at least it isn’t just you in the car, two other boys sit in the back flicking through sheets of paper, discussing which songs they should play tonight. Music you’d never heard on is quietly coming from the radio, that seemed broken as every few beats would have a scratching noise.“So friends with Matty then” George asks while tapping the ash from the bottom of his fag out of the window. “Uhh yeah.. he’s my neighbour didn’t he mention” you reply to him. “That boys got a million things going on” George says. You don’t reply at the puzzle his answer gives you. You pray it doesn’t really mean that boy brings home a new girl every weekend, so many even his best friend can’t keep up.

Arriving at home, you rehearse the lie you’d been coming up with the whole way home one final time in your head. Your new friend Liliya has invited you over for a meal and board games with her family, as their grandparents and cousins are coming over. You could get a lift both there and back and you’d be home around 11pm. Seems innocent enough and equally as important. “No!” Your parents say in unison. “What, what do you mean no?” You say frantically, beginning to get stressed. “Now that’s just silly waltzing in on a family’s special night” your mother says, “come on you can’t say that she says her friends always come around for those meals, you don’t want me to be left out do you” you add to her stupidity. “That’s the thing, we don’t know any of them, go next time when we get a chance to meet all of these people” your father tells you demandingly. “Come o-“ you get interrupted, “now I don’t know where you’ve learned that tone from but if you think that’s getting you anywhere you aren’t so bright” your mother says sternly, almost shewing you away.

Slamming the door of your room you don’t feel as life is fair, how is it that you’ve spent the first seventeen years of your life trapped from what real girlhood is like, and boys, and music, and a chance at living for something more than religion and family. You stress at how much this means to you. An idea spawns, scanning the room for something heavy, but not glass breaking heavy you pick up a little white ping pong ball. Quickly getting ready and curling your hair, just like you had been advised to. You slip into your black mini shirt and a denim skirt you had loaned from your cousin last year when you went on vacation with them. Putting on slightly more makeup than usual you swing the window open, throwing the little ball at Matty’s, praying that he was in there. To your delight his window opens, “I was just about to go outside to wait for you” he spectates. “Matty quiet down, please” you say, he tilts his head in slight confusion. “I made up a silly little lie and they wouldn’t even let me go out for that” you tell him. “Oh.. right we” you cut him off, still whispering, “The ladders, let me sneak through please”. His face brightens like you had just invented the cure for everything. Placing the silver ladders between your rooms he grabs on tightly, “careful, please”, you begin to climb up. “Tell me your going to be careful y/n”, you look up abruptly, he’d never used that tone with you, “okay, il be careful Matty”. Carefully crawling between rooms, Matty grabs onto your waist when you are closest to him, carrying you into his room. You both do that thing again, the not so awkward stare. You notice in all of that brown, there’s a little golden yellowy colour in his eyes, so hidden you’d have to go so close to see it. “Almost give me a heart attack there” he softly laughs. “Oh so it’s okay for you to do that but not me”, you speak in the same quiet tone, burrowing one of your brows. Looking down at you still he’s quiet too, “you know that’s not what I meant”. “MATTY!” George screams. “Hurry up NOW”. “Ups I forgot I had people waiting”, Matty awkwardly pulls a face. Hurrying downstairs you pinch the bottom of your skirt making sure it stays in place. “What I thought you were his neighbour not his roommate” George says in a misty tone. Matty pushes his cap into his face, blinding him as he collapses into a wall. “Im not waiting any longer” the mousy hair one adds, going through the front door. “That’s Adam, and behind me’s Ross” Matty tells you, “I doubt they had the courtesy or social awareness to introduce themselves” Matty says shaking his head at Ross. “Hi, Hello” you say to each of them spinning your head around to the back seats. The pair of them shooting tiny waves. “How’s it fair the three of us are squeezed back here” Ross says looking at Matty. “It’s called kindness and decency Ross” he responds, “and since when did you ever posses either of those traits” Ross says while they all laugh.

Arriving at the bar, you see your friends waiting outside, you wave at them slowly pausing as you see their faces drop. You walk over with the boys trailing behind. The girls all greet them, telling Matty how excited they are to see them play. Matty tells them that they need to go get things ready, and they go inside. “Vip entrance much” Lacey says. “Right, like where was my invite to pull up with the band” Megan adds. “Live next door to one of them, I guess” you try to sound unsuspicious. As the girls get drinks, you spot the boys coming out. Meagan grabs your hand and pushes through the small crowd opposite the barfront. The four of you find yourselves up front, despite the angry murmur from the girls around you. Standing tall above you Matty’s palm wraps around the mic, despite all your self talk about how much you knew him you didn’t even think about which role he had in the band. The singer. You felt selfish and mean for not taking more interest. “Hi, I’m Matty, this is the band, we’re called drive like I do, and you better like our stuff”. Adam starts playing a low chord, and slowly everyone joins in. A few girls around you sing a few of the lyrics, the song was good but part of you was shocked they were as big to have people know their songs yet. “Slow down, yeah I want you” Matty sings softly into the mic, looking down at you with that same Matty smile on his face. “Yeah she’s doing it all the time” Matty finishes the song with George joining in loudly, everyone cheers for them. “That ones called You… or something” Matty backs up ready to play the next song.

Dancing with your friends, and admiring Matty’s music felt blissful. Drinking for the first time and being gifted a little silver cross necklace by your friend Liliya, because it would “suit you soooo well”, is what being a teenage girl is. Feeling happier than ever you and the girls cheer and clap in unison as the band wraps up, exiting the stage. After a little while the boys join you around the bar, “You drink?” Matty asks you, “Apparently now I do” you respond, “Il get you something if you like”, Matty says after asking for a vodka coke. You spot Meagan side eyeing Lacey. “That’s okay” you respond. Looking down at George’s watch as his arm is spewed across the bar counter, you spot the time. You start to get nervous as it’s getting late, and in the chances that your parents did catch you, you could at least be home for curfew. Watching Matty finish his drink you whisper in his ear, “Do you know when we are leaving, I’m getting a little nervous and I”, “Well I’m gonna call it a night” Matty announces to the group. “So soon?” Both George and Meagan say, as George turns around and pulls a face at her, as if he said it first. “Sorry lads, promised the family I’d be home early” Matty responds, George clearly not buying it speaks “and since when do you follow”, being cut off by Matty shushing his lips. You wave goodbye to your friends and Liliya gives you a hug. Matty makes you wait at the door for a second, “just need to get the van from around back, don’t go anywhere, I mean it don’t leave”. The sweet unseen side of Matty was everything to you, but the protective, sort of controlling part to him, something you’d never felt by anyone close to you, was the cherry on top. Tonight, something felt different.

[studentbyday]

week 1 / small commitments challenge

Summary: I was not focused on my challenge goals this week. I was preoccupied, thinking about the different paths I could take and weighing my options for the next couple of years. Not a bad thing, except I let the thinking invade every moment of my life I had to myself. That includes when I was supposed to be studying ochem and when I was supposed to be sleeping and when I was supposed to just be getting on with my day and doing mindless self-care stuff as quickly as possible so I can dedicate time to what's urgent. Yes, I needed to weigh my options and gather information across multiple days, but I did not have to go about it the way I did. It led to me becoming overtired and having difficulty sleeping which led to me being unable to get through my ochem goals which prevented me from doing anything else. The more tired I became as the week progressed, the worse it got. So my two new priorities for next week are: No. 1: Get enough sleep with a consistent sleep time (9pm be in bed, 10pm at the latest) and wake time (7am ideal but 8am bare minimum). Soothe yourself until you're calm enough to sleep. Like you would a baby (e.g. swaddle, massage/gentle touch, dark room, don't voluntarily subject yourself to anything stressful or overstimulating in the half hour before bed). That's how you stop and keep out of the overtired cycle. No. 2: Lots of meditation throughout the day! 5-10 mins when I wake up, minimum of 10-15 mins before bed (unless perhaps i feel less frazzled thanks to the meditation breaks which help me stay focused throughout the day? idk), and 1-2 minutes in between big tasks (those that take 2h or more) in order to reset my mind before I move onto the next task and give my brain a rest after processing lots of info on a deep level, so it can sustain that level of activity throughout the day and the rest of the week. I'm hoping that by prioritizing rest, I can succeed at my new study routine (which has also changed from last week as my priorities have changed...yet again) and work more efficiently and quickly while staying cool in mind! A chaotic breakdown of the week aka my sleep-deprived end-of-day gibberish where I try to make sense of everything that's happened lies below 😅

Monday: sleep deprived -> slow start to the day -> quite behind schedule. i listened to 1 and a half chemistry lectures, added to the notes from last week, read and annotated 1 of the 2 sets of notes i'm supposed to read this week, and answered all except 4 questions of a practice quiz on last week's material. asides from this, i did 1/3 of an Algebra 1 lesson, took a nap, and practiced driving.

Tuesday: later start than yesterday bc i wanted to get enough sleep. overall worth it, but that meant there wasn't enough time to get everything done and there were lots of distractions to field. i only did ochem and practiced driving today. i didn't even finish all the ochem i wanted to (i finished 1.5 lectures again, added to notes, started reading the second set of notes for this week, and answered 1/4 of the questions for 1 of 2 assignments for this week). i'm still trying to find a routine that works for this subiect bc it's really condensed (most weeks cover 2 lengthy modules at once 😭) and it's not a subject that's that easy to feel confident in just right off the bat...at least for me 😅 who knows, perhaps for the time being, i'll have to spend more than 4 hours on it a day until i feel confident in the fundamentals?? i also have lots to improve on in my lecture notetaking skills (i.e. trust my memory more and write down notes only AFTER i finish watching a lecture instead of attempting to write notes DURING the lecture and getting confused -> rewinding)

Wednesday: my problem this week is that i'm very distracted. still trying to figure out which path is best for me (i.e. to transfer uni or change program within my uni if that's possible...definitely probably shouldn't stick with my current program tho, that's one thing i've pretty much decided), asking around, doing my own research, trying to think of any combo of reasonable options i haven't explored yet (this is what i was doing for a lot of today). i really hate unresolved issues. they stick around in my head until it's resolved and even if i'm not actively thinking about it, i can still feel its presence in the back of my mind (and if it's big and concerning enough, it will keep bugging me at inconvenient intervals)! 😤 and this issue will stay unresolved until i have made a decision. and even then, i might still question it until enough time passes to show me that it was the right decision 😅 it's like...either i'm in "re-assess" mode aka "question every decision i have made and could make and predict to the best of my knowledge where it will lead me and do i like where it leads me?" mode (WHICH CANNOT ALL BE ANSWERED IN ONE SITTING SO HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SCHEDULE THIS?!?! 😵‍💫😫), or "put your head down and do the work" mode wherein i'm in danger of losing sight of the bigger picture. i swing from one to the other whenever smth happens to make me realize i've stayed too long in one mode. (like in this case where i was feeling very annoyed with my current lifestyle, finally decided to say "fuck it" to my strong desire to stay within my comfort zone, and explored other options and their pros and cons which included grad school admission requirements 🤦🏻‍♀️). i'm grateful to have this many options, but today i got so overwhelmed by them and the deadlines by which i need to have made a decision and the fact that there's a lot of ochem this week to do which is more urgent but also not as existentially worrying that i decided to rid myself of the mounting anxiety with a cardio abs workout. 🥵😮‍💨😮‍💨 it worked...but now i am so pooped and don't wanna get up 😅 (update: i did get up and did a little more ochem)

Thursday: too tired to do all the ochem i wanted to (i did a little reading, a little bit of lecture watching, and finished the last 3 Qs on 1 of 2 assignments this week). i keep letting myself get overtired with my overthinking against my better judgment (like, especially after an intense workout the day before??? girl, you need to sleep!!!). anyway, i've finally pretty much decided to just switch programs at my current uni but i don't think i'll really believe i've made the decision (objectively! all on my own! using a weighted pros and cons list! 😁) until the end of this week. 😅 it will still be a more rigorous program, although not in the ways i expected (but still good!), and it will challenge me in all the right ways but i won't rack up as much expense (thank goodness! 🙏🏻) and it will be a shorter commute and i will get to spend more time with family which is just such a relief. i don't want to fall into the rat race mentality, tho sometimes i think i need to. but perhaps that's just FOMO and comparing myself against others in an unhealthy way. like, i don't actually want a rat-race/hustle culture type of life for myself if i have the option not to live one, yet i sometimes feel like i need to be a completely different person living a completely different lifestyle in order to really make it in this society...well, there are many ways to skin a cat.

Friday: ochem lab, watching another lecture, reading the ch, working on ochem assignment, and driving.

Weekend: sleepy. reset routine and family time. finishing up ochem submissions for this past week (done is better than perfect! 😤) and driving.

[akaakeis]

hi sav !! 2, 15 and 21 for your ask game !! i wanna make sure you’re drinking enough water AND eating enough!! make sure to eat and take care of yourself <33333 i hope your day was great(and you can totally talk about it to me if you’d like!!)

aaa hi dear!! so happy to see u in my inbox <3 i think u double sent this ask so ill just reply to this one !!

2 - Show or talk about your most recent work of art? (Does not have to be a drawing or painting. Anything counts.)

ooo i would say my most recent work of art is this oikawa oneshot !! im definitely proud of it :) i was gonna talk about and show a recent drawing but since anything counts.. this is the most recent <3

15 - Have you drank a liquid recently? (If not, find something to drink!)

YES I HAVE!! i have a drink from the airport its a kiwi strawberry vitamin water thingy and ITS SO GOOD I LOVE IT SM??? DONT FORGET TO DRINK SOMETHING AS WELL SAE

21 - Something you are excited for?

aaa i don't have anything that im particularly excited for at the moment! OH im excited for this hoodie that i ordered to arrive tho!! it's a tour hoodie for niki- shes one of my fav music artists! <3

...also since u offered 😼 my day was really weird idk? let me give u a rundown!! so picture me staying up until like 4 am for my cousin's bday party screaming karaoke, dancing, having pillow fights, giving a speech... all that... i was so so so tired bro omg. when i gave my speech i cried so yeah and i also lost my voice during karaoke since we were singing bruno mars a lot 😭 BUT THAT WAS ALL YESTERDAY FOR ME ONTO TODAY!! when i wake up im exhausted im dazed and confused fr AND MY THROAT HURTS!!!

so i get out of bed and we have guests over (i was sleeping over at my cousins house btw) and theres this one woman w a daughter my age- she's super friendly and she really likes me idk 😭 she sees me and she keeps lightly pushing and tapping my shoulders and like... putting a hand on my knee? as she talks to me? one thing about me, im not the fondest of physical touch unless i initiate it so that was super duper uncomfortable blergh

BUT AFTER THAT I HEADED TO MY AUNTS HOUSE BC WE HELD THE PARTY LAST NIGJT THERE so we went over to clean up!! it was pretty smooth and i was listening to an audiobook as i cleaned bc i had to read some chapters for homework!! so that was kinda nice!! and then after cleaning up i had to go to the airport

AND AT THE AIRPORT IT WAS SO BAD SAE IT WAS SO BAD IM NOT JOKING so as u already know im 15, a MINOR!! so im flying w my mom and we go to the security checkpoints and the officers keep telling me to go ON MY OWN through a checkpoint (which i cant do, because i dont own an identification badge?? idk why they were trying to make me) so my mom had to go through arguing w an officer who was saying i could do it even though im a minor... but we got through fine after that!! THEN AFTER THAT WE WERE WAITING TO BOARD BUT THEY NEVER ANNOUNCED BOARDING?? anyway we were last call and this one flight attendant was pretty rude to us (presumably bc we were last) and was just generally giving us a hard time so that was annoying... BUT IM BACK HOME NOW!! yap session over

[rival-the-rose]

So, last week, just before my birthday, I developed dysphagia, gastroparesis, and ileus due to a weird viral infection (came with a fever and sinus inflammation but nothing else). In layman's terms, this basically means all of the muscles in my entire GI tract have stopped working - esophagus is not moving food to the stomach, stomach is not opening to allow food nor is it opening to release food, and my intestines are not moving things along, just being inflamed and full of gas.

This is obviously deeply uncomfortable, I have been on a liquid diet and barely reaching BMR, on top of being dehydrated bc plain water causes a lot of pain (adding a neutral-basic substance to high acid environment=bad).

On top of that, I am not a layman, and therefore I know that generally this suite of symptoms are associated with the Big Bad Diagnoses and once they show up they are frequently lifelong and not infrequently fatal. I also know that my history and symptoms don't match any of the Big Bads and it's more likely a weirdly dramatic response to viral inflammation, and I think we confirmed that with my doctor today. She's an osteopath who used to specialize in post-GI surgical care and felt that my intestines responded to manipulation in a way that was more similar to inflamed intestines than intestines that are no longer enervated. I would tend to agree and also she relieved so much pain today, I can take deep breaths again.

However, she hasn't seen or heard of this before. She expects that if there's no active damage being done, the inflammation should be mostly resolved in a week or two, but that's based on physiological knowledge rather than specific disease etiology.

So I'm having a lot of emotions. Anxiety, bc these are serious issues that I don't have a solid timeline on resolving. Anxiety 2, bc any time my body does something weird I become paralyzed with fear that this is going to spiral into profound disability again. Shame about Anxiety 2 bc I feel like I'm being dramatic and also being paralyzed with fear makes me feel bad about myself. Concerned that this is going to trigger an eating disorder relapse. Excited that I get to relapse "legitimately" and the fact that I've been on half rations for awhile is relieving the thoughts around how much weight I've gained since getting back from Vermont. Concerned bc I'm already feeling some of the emotional effects of calorie restriction (weepy+fussy) and physical (so tired.) Shame bc I feel like I should be done being sick and I'm tired of cancelling things I really want to do and also bc I look fine and I do feel ok as long as I haven't eaten recently. So I feel like I'm letting ppl down for no reason/I should be toughing it out more. ???Bad bc this is the eating disorder dream and why can't I be functional while doing it (aka being confronted with the reality that I can't indulge my disorder in a safe way which is so scary). Fussy bc I don't actually feel sick so I still want to do things but then I do and I'm uncomfortable/tired/frustrated immediately. Shame about just lying on the couch so much. Fear bc I want to start T and I'm in the process of applying to vet school and I can't do either of those things if I keep having organ systems shutting down (I really thought my lungs were doing better but they're apparently still not deflating appropriately).

Logically I can see that if someone told me they had these symptoms I would be like "why are you not in a hospital" (as long as I can keep up on calories and liquid reasonably it's not necessary). But I'm the one experiencing it and it's not that bad so why can't I do more stuff. Even though I worked full time this week and went to a doctor appointment today and OT yesterday. But I cancelled hanging out with my bestie on her birthday today so I feel really bad about that.

Idk. I just want to feel better. Except for the part of me that wants to starve to death. I'd say that's the core of the issue lol.

[chevvy-yates]

Long post. thoughts post.

So, yesterday I went to a goodbye party my neighbor (also former colleague) gave bc she moves into another city.

I knew from the beginning I'll be probably the person that stands out the most just by my hair and clothing style (as I always wear something not causal when I get out and it's not for biking/groceries) but also be the one who knows only my neighbor and some faces I remembered from a past party she gave years ago.

It was a nice evening but still I wasn't able to shake the feeling that I felt alien there. I mean I talked with maybe 12 out of the 20 people there, the music was relatively okay for my taste as it had techno (but the more funny ones).

With two or three I had maybe a chatter lasting even 20 minutes? But idk I just think it happened because 1-2 of them were just curious who I am. Like my neighbors new boyfrined only knew me by name before and he said something like "So you are that phantom she always talked about" – yes I am that. Exactly right. Look at me Brudi, I wear black, I look different, I'm the overdressed phantom hiiiii! I even said to him, I like the description bc it truly is how I must appear to a lot of people. Anyway and whenever I come up with the topic Japan they want to hear something. It's lways like that. But after that? nothing.

However most time I noticed I spent with rather listening to chatter around me and watching them play beer pong. The version they played was named rage cage and way too stressful for me to try it myself – beside that I didn't want to be the one who has to constantly drink bc I fail at this and I don't enjoy to get myself drunk anymore. Or at least not with people around me I don't really know (besides I dislike the feeling next morning so yeah).

Let's circle back to just watching and listening: Around 1am I felt like, okay no one is actually making a move to talk with me anymore and I cannot find a gap to integrate myself into it somehow. So I just sat around "wie bestellt und nicht abgeholt" and the flat was empty except a beer bank and I was getting tired too (didn't really slept the night before either) so I decided to go home.

I keep telling myself that this evening was alright and I think it really was – after all my neighbor was truly happy I came. But I knew it would turn out for me like that even if I tried talking with people. And here is now me again thinking if I'm just too weird for people just by my looks alone.

Also a very German thing is, that if you have your little-big friend circle and go to parties or bigger meet-ups you tend to stay in that circle and others who do not belong to it usually don't get in. And I as a German srsly do not like that. I witnessed this at the techno event I went to with Glory. Almost no one opens up for getting to know new people. You come as a group, party as a group, go home as a group. I don't say that all Germans are like that but majority definitely is.

And here is me wanting to connect as I am tired of sitting around at home nearly every weekend but how shall I connect with people if it is so hard to get them into a chatter? I cannot say from myself I'm someone who just gos and says hello I want to talk to you. I have no problem talking with strangers but I don't want to be annoying is all so I prefer if others make the first approach if I cannot make out it's okay to approach them but fucking Germans aren't as open as eg. Americans (the amount of people talking with me while my 12-days US vacation was the entire opposite.)

See I don't need to get to be friends with you in the end, I just want to like to fucking talk with someone and not just sit around like a douchbag on a private party like that. bc then I can spent my time with better things instead. The techno event a bunch of weeks back was different, I came there not to talk but to dance, if chatter would happen no problem with that. But I paid for listening djs playing sick beats live so I prefer to dance instead of talking.

I don't really know how to make friends around here to be honest. Sometimes I feel so alien I wish myself I would just be the standard normal type of human being with a causal style, preferably one human type that doesn't have 12343 thoughts and overthinks everything as I've learned those people exist and I envy them. They must walk around so carefree.

[bereft-of-frogs]

A collection of slightly manic craft projects I’ve completed since the you-know-what:

1) took what was supposed to be a cat bed insert for the IKEA Kallax that my cat always hated, never used even though I tried all the treats, catnip, everything he's just like nope I would prefer to just sleep on your pillows or in the sink, used a square of fabric I already had cut and a hot glue gun to cover the hole and turn it into a functional bin. I'm using it to store my currently being worked on knitting WIPS because they always ended up on the floor beside the couch and that wasn't cute

2) my mom gave me this tin with all this tea in it, tin super functional for continuing to store teabags (I know some of you might be like 'but you hate tea' I've come around but specifically on green tea, any sort of black tea is still a hard pass) but it had the branding printed right onto the metal, it wasn't a sticker I could remove. But you know what WAS a sticker I could remove? The vinyl sticker from a craft beer can (Battery Steele Brewing's Saint Stephen) that I hung onto for more than a year because the can was too pretty to let go of. Poured hot water into it and let it sit for 15 minutes, sticker came off with most of the adhesive so I didn't even have to do anything else but cut it to size, line it up, and stick it over the ugly brand part of the tin. I actually did clean it up a bit after taking this picture but that involved the x-acto knife and I thought 1AM wasn't the greatest time to be busting out the knives.

also I had already reorganized all of my kitchen cabinets by this point I was tired

3) Next day I finally put up this window film that I also got from my mom, because she bought it to put on her bathroom windows when she still had an apartment in the city but didn't end up liking the pattern. My bedroom faces a pretty busy walkway on one side and I don't terribly mind it but it's nice that people can't see in on that side (other side is covered by trees from the garden next door) and also it makes rainbows with the streetlights.

Disregard the dying spider plant in the shot I don't know why I struggle to keep it alive but I'm in the process of propagating some of its babies so maybe they'll do better.

4) Yesterday on a whim I decided to once again cannibalize a notebook I despise. Well, love the cover. HATE the 160 GSM paper. It's awful. The BuJo influencers are lying to you. Before I accepted how awful it is to actually write on I bought one from Notebook Therapy I already did this to and one from Archer & Olive. The Archer & Olive one doesn't quite fit as well as the NT one but it does provide a nice hardcover surface to use paperback notebooks in. (Paperback notebook inside is Denik, desk mat is from Simka Sol.) If anyone has any ideas what to do with the extra space caused by putting an A5 notebook in an 8x8 lmk, I'm thinking of making a pocket but idk what I'd put in the pocket. I have a functional sewing machine now I can really do anything. (Had to take off the foot and the plate and clean out all the tangled thread and lint that had somehow gotten stuck.)

5) I also fixed my sewing machine (see above) and made a pillowcase with the leftover fabric. Because while I did listen when the person at the store cutting the fabric told me how wide it was, on a much more real level I didn't listen. I think this is maybe supposed to be backing fabric for a quilt. So yeah when I got home and unfolded it I was like um whoa. Had enough leftover for an entire body pillow sized pillowcase.

So anyway, that's what I've been up to. all of these projects involved approximately 30 seconds of thought that's it, I am excited and scared to see what I come up with next. I'm really hoping it's writing because I'd like to finish the first draft of this project by the end of the year.

[caliburn-the-sword]

tlc fairest thoughts

this is all gonna be one post because if i put every "levana wtf" moment i had. i would end up just posting the ENTIRE book. ngl will probably tag this as anti?? because i don't have very much that is nice to say unlike the other books. respectfully, do not press keep reading if you're gonna be upset about how i feel about fairest because i don't want you to have a bad internet experience and i don't want ME to have a bad internet experience. thanks <3

am i really going to be forced to go through a whole second-hand-embarrassment-fest as an explanation for levana's backstory

sorry the writing style is giving the cruel prince. and i am very much not a fan of that book

wait i'm really confused. levana was 15 yet is now celebrating her 17th?? did the mourning period last an entire year or???

levana is just as delulu as cress when it comes to love, but she doesn't have the excuse of being locked up for like a decade in isolation. what's her excuse lol

respect for evret for being the ONLY grown man in this goddamn series that doesn't go after minors

AND NOW LEVANA IS 16 AGAIN. looks like someone in publishing didn't notice the continuity error lmao

idk if it's because i'm tired but WHY does channary not want anyone to know the father of the baby?? and also aren't there dna tests for that which make it redundant anyway??? tho i guess if she's fucking THAT many men then she wouldn't even know where to start with testing even if she did want to

i'm sorry but there's something HILARIOUS about levana hating all these women having babies. knowing that the babies are gonna grow up to kick her ass off the lunar throne

is the queen being glamoured????? it's hard to say because she was ALREADY such a disturbed individual that it's hard to say whether this new shit is her own thoughts or someone else's

TF LEVANA WAS SET ON FIRE BY HER SISTER?????

ahhh. part of me wonders if channary glamouring her sister during early developmental stages is what made levana so fucked up to begin with

the description of how hair catches fire is entirely accurate

god. i feel so bad for evret. his entire life was ruined and then he was killed before he could ever see his daughter grow up

ngl levana didn't seem to be very proactive in HER OWN story?? it's just a bunch of things happening to her or falling into her lap CONSTANTLY. other than her glamouring evret and trying to kill cinder, she never actually DOES anything. it felt like the author had a checklist of things like "okay these all canonically happen before the events of cinder so i'm gonna tick all these off quickly". idk. didn't love it. i'm glad that at least she didn't go to any effort to redeem levana, but istg levana literally had the moral consistency of literal water. one minute she's like "time to toss this baby off a balcony" and then "boohoo i didn't realise that killing someone would ACTUALLY kill them" like girl what???? that's not to say that i WANT her to be good and whatever, in fact i mean the opposite. just let her be an evil bitch. stop with the totally random, OUT OF PLACE bouts of empathy that happen for literally no reason. pulled me out of the plot so hard every time it happened. maybe it's because of my negative feelings but it just felt very anticlimactic?? i'm just sitting here like "okay so what??"

managed to get through the slogfest but i can already feel myself slipping into a reading slump. yesterday i wanted to read winter SO bad but now i feel like i need time to recover from that read. lesbians give me strength to persevere because i KNOW that i will LOVE winter

[ratheread]

OKAY

So I just finished season 5 of bsd (Like 5 minutes ago) and the manga yesterday. (I was already halfway through season 5 when i finished) so lack of sleep and not a life has brought me here. ignore mistakes ill fix in the morning if I remember I'm tired asf but I wanted to write this with it all still new. so heavy spoilers undercut. ALSO FEEL FREE TO SHARE HEAD CANNONS, IDEAS OR THEORIES

SO SUCH A GREAT SEASON. I LOVE IT more than Dead Apple. THE MUSIC THE VOICE ACTING, THE ANIMATION ALL JUST REALLY GOOD. I love the story to i was worried when i first got into bsd that it was going to be like clique but it was actually a really got plot line. Like 5 seasons scared me a little but nonetheless. Im going to the last few episodes (10 and 11) THESE EPISODES WERE AMAZING, LOVE THE VOICE ACTING AND THE ANIMATION. OMG THE ONE SCENE (EPISODE 10? I cant remember I'm to tired) anyways WHERE DAZAI GOT SHOT HOLY SHIT BUT I KEEP SAYING THIS DAZAI SHOULD SAY FUCK MORE OFTEN. LETS BE REAL IF ANYONE IN THAT SHOW ITS HIM THE SICK VITORIAN VAMPIRE CHILD (REALLY HOPE HE GOES TO NORMAL THAT END SCENE HAS ME HOPEFUL) . CHUUYA BEING FUNNY IN 11 LIKE JUST A TON OF GAY SHIT (JOKE) Okay Fyodor insane ass man (cool villain ngl) but i don't think he's dead. Nikolai is funny as hell. Now onto 11 LOVE IT SO MUCH THE HELICOPTER SCENE SO FUNNY. Now the end i never cried over a "villain" But i was close (not one to cry in general but Oda's death really has affected me IM NOT A SIMP idk really wish i knew but its the same with Akugatwa or how ever tf you spell it) Anyways hope this makes some sense ill come back and fix later. Thanks for coming to my ted talk. This is my new hyper-fixation I'm going to sleep. Sigma love him looks really cool ngl and his character is cool) skk shipper and sskk

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary406

11/2-3/24

saturday - sunday

gotsa sleep soon.

so despite today being a long and tiring day, i won't be able to put much here about it, but it wasn't bad. i was just sort of dysphoric i guess. like crashing after a sugar rush. it's so much for my tiny nerves to have any positive attention, it's always like this. it has to come slowly, for me to be inoculated.

but, we saw some very fun stuff today, and we're gonna see fun stuff tomorrow!! i have to correct one thing, yesterday i said the owner of hypercore was hiroshi... i was misremembering, it was / is hisashi. i'm dumb!!

so we saw the fashion show this year, that they do at this con. i'd like to walk again in it... like we did the first year. but idk. you never know what you'll walk in and stuff. there was this one brand, ac unit, the woman who runs it with her sister, they were the ones who did the marina and samarie cosplay from yesterday!! this was their first fashion show, i cannot find their instagram!! wow, that is sad. i'll try and find it tomorrow. ummmmm, their little thing made me emotional because the woman who was up there, she started crying talking about how much she loved her sister and mother and how much they helped her, in life and with the making of the garments. she started crying a lot talking about her mom, and then her experience with j-fashion and how it helped her make so many friends, and i wonder about like, where you make those friends... it's always seemed so exclusionary to me but these people are so kind, and this con has a lot of j-fashion stuff where people are making garments that are made with people who have sensory issues and things... they're considerate, and most j-fashion stuff i see a lot is like, hyper-crazy popularity stuff.

we also saw that japanese brand hypercore do their walk, very cute and cool, and a couple others, ghost girl goods was one and she's very kind, it's really incredible how hard she seems to try to get j-fashion brands out there to new people at cons, to make it more of a thing people can tangibly interact with, you know. she works hard at that. it is very nice to see.

after that we milled about for a while, we went to the bowling alley, saw miura ayme do a panel of q&a, then after that, jiluka did their q&a, then we went for food. both q&as were good, of special note, miura ayme said he really likes gunbuster, as far as anime goes, and also dorohedoro, which i still have not read and ought to, but the gunbuster being a favorite is crazy to me. made me feel nice to hear that.

the food was good, i was sleepy, i took selfies in the bathroom let me see if those are okay. it was korean food it was really good actually i ate kimchi fried rice with spam in it... i need to get spam soon. i love cooking with it.

here i am:

i was so sleepy there, i was laying down in the booth we had with my head on my purse. which my gf seemed to like.

then we saw miura ayme perform live, which was cute, fun idol j-rock, then waited for the rave, went to that until we were all kicked out... the guy started the rave with born slippy!!! it got progressively less cool as time went on but that got a lot of good will from me. so i danced, i'm sure my feet will hurt a ton tomorrow since i didn't wear dancing shoes!!

uhmmm, i should sleep now, though, not a lot to say really i guess, ultimately a busy normal day which keeps lots of ruminating away, which is good, because i'll process things i saw, and stuff i recorded later, and it'll give me interesting things in my head.

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[gaiathemexicanbeauty]

leon kennedy with autism headcanons

warnings: mentions of some triggers (crowds, lights, etc) but everything else is good! :3

we pretend the events of re2 never happened and that he actually got to officially join the force with his prettyboy face

or i could be normal and just say pre-outbreak lol

and we’re also gonna pretend that everyone on the force is either unaware that he’s autistic and aren’t assholes to him

i saw someone post some clips from the games and it’s literally just “leon kennedy autism compilation” and considering i finished my first re2 leon run yesterday, you already know i have to contribute

BTW THIS IS ALL JUST MY OPNION feel free to correct me or share your own headcanons in my chat box or in the comments :3 

i don’t think he would get an official diagnosis? just doesn’t have the time to think about it or doesn’t really consider anything that he does is weird, no one points it out either because they’re like “that’s just leon! XD”

in more fun news, i don’t really think he stims, at least not super noticeably this is kind of a lie actually idk

like he stims but he doesn’t even realize that he’s doing it but for reasons that he can’t begin to understand, he has a spot in one of the cabinets of his desk where he just keeps stress balls or things like that

the specific scenario where he just feels too crowded somewhere or he can hear the sounds of the fluorescent lights and it agitates him to no end

if he has any vocal stims, he snaps his fingers (does that count??) or clicks his tongue but its not repetitive either

projecting here but i think he likes to blast music really loudly in his car or in earbuds depending on where he is

he’s so cute, in his car, he blasts rock music and stuff and drums his fingers against the steering wheel before he starts driving, he gets super into it

at the station, when he has to write up his reports, he’ll blast music on his earphones loud enough that he doesn’t hear anyone or any background noise

it’s to a point that people have to tap him on the shoulder to get his attention

he’s a pencil twirler, when he’s anxious, really focused, or even just talking to people, he does it almost on instinct

he also bounces his leg a lot, all the time and if he’s not doing that, he reverts to the pencil lol

but when he gets into that routine of bouncing his leg, twirling his pencil, and listening to music, people will ask what he’s doing and some other officer will joke that “he’s in the zone”

he is pretty much phenomenal at masking on good days but on days where he gets overwhelmed or too frustrated, he works out until he drops from how tired he is

of course he has a special interest, it’s something like pokemon and/or star wars

he like video games A LOT, he has entire collections under his tv set or his bed and they’re mostly fighter games; mortal kombat, street fighter, etc (looks at my shelf full of k-pop albums and sighs in defeat)

when he’s not home, only someone who REALLY knows him would see the look in his eyes of him getting excited when he hears someone talking about his special interests or sees something in a store that catches his attention

at home, he completely lets loose, takes whole weekends to just indulge and if he’s with someone, he can spend hours talking about the stuff he likes but he’ll give the occasional “sorry, i kind of geeked out? ^^;”

like he physically lights up but he’ll get all flustered unless someone tells him that he’s alright (WHICH YOU WILL SAY YES TO. LET HIM RAMBLE.)

he hates crowds, he isn’t an introvert or anything and doesn’t actively avoid crowds but if he gets caught in one, he is just in the WORST mood and he needs to go home and recharge

he does go nonverbal sometimes but not a lot of people pick up on it just cus it’s just normal for people on the force to have off days and maybe he doesn’t want to talk about what’s wrong so they just let him be until he reaches out

me and my one of my best friends (welcome to another post where you featured damien) were talking and established that his skin is strangely flawless so at the end of a long day (when he’s alone) he puts on a face mask and just enjoys how cool it feels on his face

some people ask him if he has a skincare routine and he’s just like “no? why do you ask? :D” but he just doesn’t realize that he has one until he counts just how much stuff he puts on his face

he loves touch!! but only from people he really trusts so strangers he can shake hands with and stuff, friends is a lot more than that but s/o’s is who he’s closest with

he likes to feel them laying on him and the pressure and just :333 likes to feel as close as possible and will squeeze you

not autism related news but things about his health that my friend and i made up but that we think is funny is that he’s lactose intolerant and allergic to cat fur but he’s too kind to say anything

the rare chance that he has to rescue a cat, he gives the cat back but is sneezing like crazy

and if someone offers him food he can’t eat or he’ll die, he just runs to take lactaid really fast and comes back like nothing happened so he always has allergy and lactaid on him no matter what

                               （<｀▽´）―━━☆⌒*. BAM ITS OVER 

YEEHAWW I HOPE YOU GUYS LIKED THAT :3 this is my first time publishing about something as sensitive (? ig) as this so pls let me know if i inadvertently used any problematic language or anything like that and i will be more than happy to edit! :D

i’ve been super enjoying the franchise even though im kinda sorta only playing bc of leon rn lol but i am going on summer break soon (with one college class X_X) and am gonna have all the time in the world to discover all the other games

but for now thank y’all so much for reading and i hope that you stay safe, stay kind, and have a good day/night/afternoon wherever you are! :3 (to anyone working on finals, good luck and don’t forget to take a break!!)

[tame-a-messenger]

He literally just recorded/was involved in a recording yesterday, and as he's still recording there'd be no point to delay the release for that reason because they'll still have unreleased stuff with him involved if they wanted to stretch it out. I'm not saying he's definitely not because you can never know, he has the right to privacy, but Smosh is a company after all, they're going to do what's most beneficial for them. Sword AF is something that's less likely to get them newer viewers because it's not just a random video to hop into, so releasing something they worry would disappoint fans of Sword AF while also not doing much to get views from outside the fanbase is not ideal, they likely want to make sure at least one of those is covered. The one argument I could see be made is it would be the nicest farewell to him to release it as his last appearances, but I wouldn't worry because of this, I mean Sword AF is not just *his*, a lot of character work and art goes into it.

There's definitely a lot of speculation going around as to 'why' they delayed the release, a lot of people over here have been thinking it's something going on with Damien, and I see why.

I'm just holding out hope it's something like they had a sponsor that backed out last minute, or the hard drive with the finished videos exploded or something.. I'd like that better than some of the theories I've been seeing at least..

I also feel like, idk, Sword AF SHOULD be more popular. Like have they done ANY promoting at all? It's such an easy thing to promote I feel like, and there soooo many D&D fans out there (and people that didn't know they would even like D&D, like me) that would probably really like the campaign. idk I'm rambling because I'm sad.

Idk how much I believe Damien would leave Smosh for good, much less cause such a stir that they couldn't release a set video on time. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. I really hope Damien's not the reason. I hope that he stays at Smosh in some way, and all this hubbub is just misinterpreted.

Todays been really tiring, I hope someone on the crew lets us know why all this is happening soon..

In the meanwhile! I'll try to keep my head up and not let things that haven't even been confirmed yet get me down!

[yagamisdiary]

I have a love hate relationship with the fact that you enjoy making us suffer throughout the entirety of your books and making us think they will have a bad ending just to give us the best possible endings ever 🥲 ugh i love you so much youre my favorite author ever, while im here i apologize for the incoming paragraphs but i just need to say it:

1. Idk how you do it but the book covers you choose are always so perfect like?? Idk if im explaining myself but i feel like they capture the vibes of the books perfectly

2. Ok now this is kinda personal and i dont mean to sound like im venting, but have you ever read a fic that impacted you so much to the point where you find yourself still thinking about it to this day 😭 bc that's how i feel about both of ur books, they're so beautifully written and i'm always thinking about the characters or going back to read random parts of the books (edit: i had this paragraph written way before parasite was removed okay but i started rereading eldia yesterday because im truly heartbroken, devastated, downcast, miserable, dejected and inconsolable by the fact that its finished)

I discovered you in july-ish 2021 during parasite era but didnt actually read it until june 2022, i was devastated when i finished it but also had to cleanse my soul cause i accidentally burnt my self out during the last few chapters (i mean it in a good way lol, it was rlly hard to read the last 2 chapters 🙇‍♀️ they were written really well and i felt unsettled while reading the beginning of y/ns whole breakdown, i could feel the gloomy depressed vibe it had if you get what i mean), so anyway i moved on to Eldia. At that time, it was fairly new so there were only like 10 or 11 chapters, ive been keeping up with Eldia ever since and its truly bittersweet to see it end like i was literally full on sobbing for no reason 🥲 probably the sentiment of being a reader for 2 years idk lol. Anyway what im trying to say is that your books were one of the only things that helped me escape reality in 2022, i didnt really find joy in anything and hated my life, however ive definitely improved ever since, so im honestly rlly thankful for you Amara 💕

Edit: i just know it sounds stupid and youre probably tired of hearing the same thing over and over, but i've had this written out for like 5 months and was kinda scared to send it because i felt like it was corny, but with Eldia's resolution i felt encouraged seeing all these people tell you what they think :P so sorry for the long ass paragraph lmao, i just needed to say it because i know in 10 years ill be a grown ass woman and still thinking about these books, theyre attached to my brain forever (like a parasite, ironic)

Ok so i doubt ppl will read this (or that you'll even read all of it) so if you reached the end i must say that you actually ate with the baby names in Eldia 🤭 im saying it here to avoid accidentally spoiling anyone but Andromeda 😪 i remember in early july i sent you an anon ask saying that i pictured you as a girl mom and even listed a few names, i was gonna list Andromeda so its kinda funny to me 😭 and Elrose?? Andromeda is my fav name but Elrose grew on me and i actually rlly like it, idk why it just sounds and looks so satisfying OMG DAMN I JUST SCROLLED UP AND DID I REALLY WRITE ALL OF THAT?? IM SO SORRY AMARA 😭😭 i definitely had way more to say but i feel bad now, it was gonna be an anonymous ask but atp i'll just let it be public

to conclude i must say that whenever someone asks me what my favorite books are, i hate that im not able to say "Oh my favorite books are parasite and eldia" because they're considered fanfics and not 'real books', i think thats really stupid, not only because fanfiction is just as valid as what ppl consider 'real books' but because there are so many fanfictions turned into real books or movies?? Ok im done (for now) but as you can tell im not really good at going straight to the point sorry for writing about 10 paragraphs love you queen vivan las escritoras latinas 🤞

1. honestly i find a pic that fits the vibe i want the book to give before i even write the story then i just somehow find a way to incorporate the cover

ex) eldia’s cover is jean with wine all over him, iykyk there’s an exact scene in eldia that references the cover

2. thank u so much 🥲 the ppl who have stuck around the longest always say the most sweet stuff bc yall really have been alongside me for so many years now and were like growing together which is kinda cool

3. i wanted a name that had ambrose and elijah both in it and it was either elrose or embrose but i ended up liking elrose more, embrose was too similar to ambrose

4. i don’t mind the length of the message at all! i love love love reading all the stuff i receive and the ones that are the longest stick with me the most. 🫶🏼

[fantasticcloudcreation]

July 6

113.3 (115.5 when I woke up, same as yesterday, then tried again later in the day and it was lower lol glad it dropped bc I was about to get mad)

Spent the whole day knitting instead of doing anything productive and I don't even think its gonna turn out cute bc of the way this yarn changes colors but whatever I'm just gonna keep making it and see what happens :) still need to pack up the van and everything, waiting til the sun goes down a lil bit more, then I'm going to sleep by like 10 pm bc I was sooooo sleepy this morning....

Haven't eaten yet today, coffee this morning and 2 glasses of wine so far, do not let me get drunk tonight I gotta drive all day tmro....... Good news is bossman said it's fine to not do the osha cert before starting this gig so I don't have to worry about that anymore lol. So I'm just gonna drive 2 days (8h each) and then start work the next morning...... It'll be fun I need to relax :) realistically I don't have that much left to do, basically just putting shit back in the van, it'll take like 2 hours max, I just gotta stop procrastinating.

Also I think my period is starting which is maybe why I've been feeling so weird today, which is gonna make this week of driving + work really extra fun 😇

I've just been feeling so sleepy and foggy all day and maybe it's like a weed hangover?? I haven't been consuming any for like, at least a month now, so maybe the edible yesterday fucked me up? Idk. I'm just so sleepy and out of it. The first glass of wine helped and the second is reversing that hahaha. Maybe I should eat food but I don't feel like it.... Idk. I'm tired and I just want to sleep and I just want to keep knitting and I don't want to put all this shit back in the van lol. But whatever this is life and it's fine and once I do it it'll be done and then I can sleep!! Relax ❤️