#idk i struggle to motivate myself to work the extra hours

[eunhos]

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[bsdndprplplld]

30 VIII 2023

aight it's been a while, time for an update

recently I've been doing mostly algebraic geometry, my advisor gave me some stuff to read, so I'm working through that. the goal is to familiarize myself with hilbert schemes – the topic is advanced, so there are many prerequisites coming up when I'm trying to read the book, that's kinda annoying

we are planning for my thesis to be about a certain generalization of the hilbert scheme, so basically the question is "investigate this space" and I've been having second thoughts whether I'm up for the challenge. I'm just getting to know how all that stuff works, so it's quite overwhelming to see how much I need to learn before I can do anything on my own

nevertheless, I'm pushing through as I will have to learn all of that anyway

I am working on finishing the proof from my bsc thesis and honestly I'm kinda losing hope lmao it turns out that what I probably have to do to complete it is a massive amount of extra reading and an even bigger amount of proving lemmas. the thing is that my work is about something like a generalization of results that have been proven by two people (one of which is khovanov, yes, that khovanov) and I feel it in my balls that the case I'm working on should be treated in a similar way. now the problem is that I can barely understand what they wrote for the "easier" case and I just can't see myself doing that for the more complicated one. oh and for my case I should probably use equivariant cohomology. but all I know about it is the definition, I have never even calculated anything for that + I will do a course on it this semester so it feels futile to study it now. idk I need to talk to my former advisor about this and ask him to be honest, does he even believe that this can be done?

other than that I'm applying for a scholarship. I don't think I will get it, but it is worth trying

I moved in with my boyfriend and our cat decided that my desk is way too big for one person, so now it's our desk

uni starts in a month so I should probably spend that time doing something other than math, which I will be doing all the time once uni starts, but I struggle with coming up with things to do that are not math-related. I should complete some tasks for work, but I would also like to have a hobby

there is a number of things that I could try, for instance reading, drawing, singing, grinding metas for geoguessr (apparently I'm a gamer now), but I can't commit to any of those, my interest comes in waves

maybe I could schedule about an hour per day to do one of those things so that my brain gets used to it. it is not like I can focus on math 24/7, I need to take breaks and I have days when my motivation is zero, so I just sit at my desk and watch stupid shit on youtube. but that's the point, days like that could be spent doing something meaningful and refreshing, instead I just procrastinate math lol

[yellowmelodyheart]

You know what, why not write up a little journal entry? As much as I’m always posting to IG stories, I still have to stop myself sometime because I can probably get a little too annoying.

Just thoughts ahead.

Transitioning from vacation brain back to work brain has been so hard. AND it’s been during my luteal phase so I’m extra cranky. I swear, I feel like I JUST had my period…the months go by so fast 😭.

I’m really sick of always waking up feeling angry and lethargic and unmotivated. People waking up feeling motivated and ready for their day honest to god feels like a myth to me.

I think I need a life manager. Having to manage every action and decision is too much 😭 I can’t get myself out of bed, I can’t get myself to shower, I can barely get myself to eat or do work…and I need to make money now 🫠

I’m putting off therapy (and other things) because of money but maybe I need to take some Ls now to get some wins later…like how today I slept in (I slept at 8pm and woke up at 4am so I got 8 hours, but then at 4am I felt no pressure to do anything so I went back to sleep…until 3pm…) I basically just gave up the day, gave up getting any work done, and woke up only to let Jellybean out, eat, and leave for aerial. But I decided to just call a Lyft instead of rush myself for an hour commute, and give myself time to actually figure out what to teach. It cost me $30 though 😢 but I figured I’ll just eat the cost for a little less stress.

Sleeping in also kind of gave me some restrictions, which in a way was nice. I love freedom but I don’t think I can have too much of it. Since I slept in, I had to forgo getting any work done during the day, or even showering, it forced me to only do what was necessary in that time frame, which was eat, change, take jellybean out, and leave. When I have more time I get paralyzed thinking I have to finish all my work, shower, clean, go to the post office, and etc etc. There are too many options to choose from 🫥

There’s so much I need to unpack. All this adhd talk, with the decision paralysis, inability to prioritize, struggle with transitions, overwhelming emotions…idk how to turn this all around by myself.

[isabellestone]

Writing With No Motivation

I wrote my first draft in three months. All 110,000 words of it. I have ADHD, so concentration isn’t easy for me and during this time I was working a full time job. I wrote in evenings and on weekends, and you can bet I didn’t feel motivated to write every single day, but I did and I’m here so tell you how.

1. Have a set time to write. 

I committed myself to an hour of writing daily in which I would bash out 1,000 words. Getting into a routine helped me write even when I didn’t really feel like it, I just became used to writing at this time every day. If you can’t do 1,000 words in an hour, that’s okay. Set a time goal instead of a word count goal, I find that allows me to put extra energy into concentrating as I know when it will end.

2. Remove distractions from sight.

Object permanence is a myth. Put your phone in the next room, or under your pillow when you’re at your desk, put it on absolute silent. Get noise-cancelling headphones to block out kids/siblings. If you get an impulse to do something, write it down and do it after. Turn your wifi off and only turn it back on for research purposes.

3. 20 minute sprints

On days when you really don’t feel like writing, set a 20 minute timer and a minimum word count of 200 words. Bash that out and if you’re not in the flow after 20 minutes, stop, but you might find you are, so carry on until it ends! Remember, any no. of words a day is better than 0.

4. Get a Concentration Candle

The candle is only allowed to be lit while you’re concentrating. If you get distracted, you have to blow it out and that’s kinda sad. Also if it’s scented you’ll start to associate the smell with concentrating and writing and that will help you feel ventured and focused. Idk why this works so well, but it really does, trust me.

5. Work out where the scene/chapter/act/story is going.

One of my biggest deterrents for writing is not knowing what to put on the page next. I struggle to do both pretty words and developing a good plot at the same time. So I block out the scene, I plot, I get excited about the rest of the book, I make sure this scene or chapter is important! This never fails to motivate me.

I hope this has helped! Feel free to add to this!

[if reposting to Instagram please credit @isabellestonebooks]

[periminkle]

Orphic | Preview

After moving into your own place, it seems life is finally going your way; the path to independence leading you to a quaint suburban town where even the grass seems to grow a little greener. Although a shocking encounter leads you to believe that perhaps appearances can be quite deceiving.

pairing: hybrid!jk x reader (first person)

genre: hybrid au, angst, fluff

word count: 1.5k

rating: PG-15

warnings: a scuffle ig (is that even considered a warning?), mention of blood, swearing

author’s note: preview of a fic i’ve been (slowly lmao) working on! also is 1.5k too long for a preview??? i’m a newbie and idk how this works. btw please don’t tell me it’s bad bc i might cry :(

→ next

The snapping of the lock clicking back into place alleviated some of the soreness of my overworked muscles as I took another step inside. My head fell back to sneak a glance at the ceiling, hoping to peek past the old plaster and stare into the eyes of any higher being out there.

I quickly considered whether to thank them for this opportunity of a lifetime or to curse them out for my seemingly limitless workload, not that much of my work was of grave importance.

As my eyelids slid close in defeat, an exhausted sigh involuntarily slipped out into the silence. Kicking off my shoes into the pitiful pile by the doorway to join the rest of its brethren, I wandered deeper into my rather small abode in the darkness; only my padded footsteps and the zipper of my jacket being undone resounding throughout the house.

Living in a secluded area of my tiny town had its own perks for my antisocial self — one of which being an absurd amount of land for a relatively cheap price — but the appeal of living in a bustling city wasn’t lost on me. I was simply tired of having lived in a city my whole life and desired some change.

After having a couple weeks to settle in, I’d been convinced that moving out here, away from friends and family, had been a brilliant decision. Saving up for a couple years to be able to rent out a cozy cottage with a stunning forest as my backyard was turning out to be my haven.

Albeit, the bugs were certainly not a part of that bliss.

Hearing my stomach rumble with its complaints, I made the couple steps toward the kitchen’s light switch. But, an abrupt halt came with the memory of yesterday’s optimistic plan of embarking on a trip to the grocery store after a short work shift.

Evidently, I hadn’t predicted the gruelling day I would have nor the extra hours that would be requested of me. I found that I’d been frequenting the store quite often as of late, the demand of food increasing once another mouth to feed came into question.

Nearly two weeks prior, I’d found a companion crouching in the bramble on the outskirts of the woods. Assuming it was simply a curious mammal, I’d left some canned tuna out on the porch. When I went out to check the next morning, the tuna was gone.

Much to my amusement, the bowl disappeared as well.

That instance kickstarted the daily routine of offering food to the concealed animal — hoping to coax it out of its hiding place, getting rejected, then leaving the remnants on the porch. Without a plate.

In a reluctant fashion, I pulled my jacket back up to my shoulders, knowing that the fridge was just as empty as my stomach currently was. I pushed my aching limbs back towards the entrance, pondering over whether the grocery store was even open this late in the night.

However, I was forced to a grinding halt once again as I heard a booming thump from my backyard and my blood ran cold.

I waited with bated breath as my heart rate elevated, pounding in my ears. A minute of stillness passed before yet another sigh escaped my jittery body. Another disadvantage of a remote plot included being frightened by every snap of a twig.

As a scoff passed through my chapped lips at my own cowardly antics, I began to resume my trek to the front door when another thud reached my ears. The recognition of the sound coming from the backyard alerted me that this time may be different, with the presence of an actual threat.

Following a series of gut-wrenching cracking noises, hurried footsteps approaching the wooden porch in my backyard startled me to action.

Hastily, I dashed back to the kitchen to grab an unnecessarily large kitchen knife out of the drawer and flew to cover behind my minuscule island. A quick glimpse down towards my chest revealed my shaking hands. Well, this is certainly one way to spice up my night.

Listening to the intruder fumble with the lock for a little while before it was being smashed into, I knew I couldn’t just stay cowering behind my kitchen island, waiting for this murderer to come and end my night (and all my subsequent nights thereafter). The rage behind having to buy and reinstall a new lock also propelled my need for revenge.

I took in a deep breath and steeled myself as the footsteps wandered in, coming straight towards the kitchen. A loud growl reverberated throughout my house and befuddled me further. Was the intruder simply a feral animal? The lack of a problem with my lock dismissed that thought but I couldn’t shake the feeling of a predator having sneaked into my house.

The feeling of being stalked.

I rapidly shook off that irrational thought, doubtful the stranger even knew of another presence in the house. As the intruder turned the corner — coming straight towards my hiding spot — I reared back a little before launching myself with my dull knife leading the way.

A screech made its way out of my throat as the intruder’s reflexes were evidently a lot better than mine, catching my wrist before I could inflict any damage. But, I refused to give in just yet as I attempted to smash the hard edge of my palm straight into the stranger’s nose in order to buy myself some time to flee.

Unfortunately, for me, that attack never reached its target as the intruder caught my throat in his other hand much faster and used his larger frame to smash my body against the fridge.

The wind escaped me, though I kept squirming to try whip my knee straight to his crotch as a final ditch attempt. I lightly cursed as a glimpse informed me the intruder was a brawny man.

He noticed my struggle and easily flipped me around, one hand finding purchase in my hair, banging my head against the cool metal of the fridge and the other held both of my hands pinned to my back. The knife clattered to the ground in a dangerous arc.

In the middle of wondering how the hell he gathered my wrists and disabled me in a split second, I felt a heavy growl in the shell of my ear. A cold shiver slipped down my spine, adrenaline slowing leaving my body as we both puffed out breaths of exertion.

What the actual fu-

“No hurt, need bandage and go.��

His broken English came out with a slight accent and I found myself nodding instantaneously as I tried to work out what he needed. “Okay, okay,” I muttered as best as I could with half my face smushed, “I have bandages in the big drawer by the sink. You can take those.”

I only received a grunt in acknowledgement. He nudged me with his foot to shuffle backwards with his hand still wrapped around my wrists and led me to the sink. Half curious about his motives and half accepting that I could never overpower the stranger, I followed obediently. Though that didn’t stop me from deliberating over how to outsmart the man.

Deciding on waiting for an opening or a slack in the grip around my wrists, I nodded my head towards the drawer I was referring to earlier and finally peered up at my intruder’s shadowed face. He wore a black ball cap on, aiding in hiding his features which were mostly guarded by the lack of light anyway.

A glance at the lower half of his visage allowed me to witness his pale lips and the small mole directly underneath them, as well as a sharp jawline leading to his exposed neck. Inconspicuously bringing my gaze even lower, I took in his matching tattered black outfit, confirming his bulky build and scuffed sneakers.

Maybe I could run to the nearest police station — which admittedly, was rather far, and provide a detailed description of the criminal. Considering if I made it out alive, of course.

With his vacant hand he swiftly pulled the drawer open, taking handfuls of bandages, gloves, bandaids and other miscellaneous items I crammed in there. The stranger stuffed as much equipment as he could fit into the large pocket of his hooded sweatshirt.

I would have found his full little pouch endearing if I wasn’t preoccupied with worrying over my own well-being.

Another awkward wobble later, we were back at the fridge. At this point, I was gathering all the courage I had left to aim for a pressure point on the criminal’s thigh that I vaguely knew the location of. I should have paid more attention in those self-defence classes, damnit.

Just as I turned to act, he bent down to pick up the discarded knife off the floor, effectively deterring my attack and forcing me into submission. He then turned to me to flash a slight smirk.

“Cute.”

Releasing his death grip on my bound wrists, he sprinted back out my now broken back door, heading off.

After a couple minutes of stewing in my thoughts, back against the cool fridge, I  struggled to comprehend the brief interaction and the dark drops of crimson littered all over my white tiles.

I still have to go grocery shopping.

[7ella7]

Choosing submission.

My husband and I have been married for over 10 years.  We got together as teenagers and there’s a lot of love there, but it hasn’t been easy.  We semi-recently had a few fresh-start moments.  A cross-country move, some extremely beneficial marriage counseling, and a pandemic to bring us into the same space 24/7, and all three have been awesome. (I’m not saying the pandemic is awesome, just the extra time we get to spend together.)  

I recently got super vulnerable with him and shared that I want to submit to him.  I’ve always kind of known that I’ve been drawn to the idea of being subject to a man.  I like the idea of being told what to do, how he wants things done, when he wants things done, and being expected to meet his expectations or accept the consequences.  It would help me to know and understand what he wants/needs as well as give me some additional structure.  There are so many things I find appealing about this, but I don’t really understand why/where it comes from, but hopefully over time I’ll be able to understand it better myself.

I told him 2 weeks ago.  We’d been talking about our sex life and how to begin to really re-engage in that relationship aspect with one another after some challenges we’ve had.  I was reading some things online and eventually came across a podcast called Over The Knee and the tumblr pages of @amysubmits and @cynicaldom (Thank you both so much for writing).  It was like a lightbulb went off.  I’d read about domestic discipline before, years ago, and we had tried it for a couple months after we had gotten married, but the way I tried to live submission caused problems in our dynamic.  What I didn’t get from the DD sites back then was that it was okay (or necessary even) to still have my own thoughts/opinions/wants and to express them.  I think I was trying to focus only on what my husband needed/wanted, and push down I wanted/needed.  It seemed at the time like me sharing my wants/needs with him would somehow make my submission less real.  Then, when I listened to the OTK podcast and read their tumblr pages a couple weeks ago, I felt like I understood so much better how a real couple could actually do it successfully and showed me that a submissive partner is not the same a passive partner who lets the relationship and the Dominant partner’s wants and needs be the only thing that exists between them.  It’s a full relationship with active involvement and communication on both sides, but with a power exchange component.  They both make a point about how important it is for him to have that information from her.

It had been over 10 years since we had tried domestic discipline before.  The whole dynamic just kind of fizzled out pretty quickly due to the issues with how we tried to go about it.  We hadn’t talked about it since.  I was so nervous to talk about the idea of trying again that I started the convo through text message.  I sent the text, but we were both in the same room, so I went to clean something in the bathroom so I wouldn’t have to look him in the eye when he read it.  I built up my courage and went back in, but he was still watching TV.  He’d turned his phone on silent and didn’t get it for another hour and a half (it was low-key torture).  I would alternate between different tasks and watching TV with him, trying to relax about it, but feeling like that paragraph of a text message put so much of me out there that made it difficult to even breathe normally at certain points.  I was scared that he wouldn’t be interested at all and that it’d be shut down, but more than that, I was scared that he’d think I was weird and ultimately shut me down, not because he would be cruel about it, but because it had taken so much to be that vulnerable.  It could have been crushing.  I have a really hard time opening up about things like this, and I’m more than a little shy about things that tie into my sexuality.  Yes, even with my husband.  However, marriage counseling and a recent book I read have helped me to be able to make some important moves toward embracing vulnerability.

When he did get the message, he started by reading the tumblr pages, and we listened to an episode of their podcast.  When we talked about it later that afternoon, he actually said he liked a lot of the basic ideas, but he had a lot of questions for me about why, what motivations I had, what I ultimately wanted from the dynamic, etc.  It was a start.  We’ve had maybe 3-4 conversations about it in the last couple weeks, and yesterday we started discussing an initial agreement.  When I asked him what areas of our life he’d like to have authority in, he said he’d like to eventually have my submission in everything.  (It made my heart happy.)  The main things we discussed which areas of our life I’m ready to submit in fully (home life, sex life), and a couple that I am not ready to hand over yet (work life, food, clothes).  We’re trying to be intentional and start slow so we can kind of grow into this.  We also discussed a few rules and expectations that we’re interested in starting with.  We have plenty of ideas, but are starting slowly with 1-3 rules.  I haven’t seen the agreement yet, he’s in the process of writing it up (which also made me happy because he’s taking ownership of some of the process already).  So I wait.  I feel excited and happy and nervous and fluttery and tingly a lot lately.  We’re just at the beginning and we haven’t even officially entered an agreement, but I wanted to catch these events and feelings before we move further into the journey.

There’s like a million more things I could write, but here’s the bullet list for brevity’s sake- and maybe I’ll be able to revisit and expand on some of this later:

I am feeling nervous about diving in- I feel like I’ve wanted this for so long, but what happens if I’m a horrible submissive or really struggle with my stubbornness when it comes time to show my submission through my actions?

I have a markedly higher sex drive than I’ve had in years- I feel like I have the biggest crush on my husband.

Also, somehow while I’ve routinely hated doing things like dishes for the past... well forever I guess.  But when I think about doing them for him, it turns me on a little bit.  Idk if that’s a thing that lasts, but I would love it if that sticks around, haha.

I wonder about how he really feels about everything.  I know he LOVES the idea of traditional gender roles and he’s been clear about that for a long time, but I’m not sure where he falls on the idea of providing discipline.  Is that something he could end up eventually liking?  Maybe not the actual punishment itself, but the effects of it?  Idk.

I wonder how we’ll do- will we be able to avoid some of the problems we had in the beginning by being open communicators even when it’s hard?  Will he stay consistent with me?  Will we both feel the dynamic and value it enough to keep working on it over time?

I worry about being the spouse that brought it up.  I don’t want him to feel like he has to do this.  There are definitely things in his makeup that make me think he’ll be a natural.  I was drawn to him even in high school because he is a good and traditional man.  We share a lot of the same values.  I know a lot of his views align perfectly with this dynamic, but it’s asking a lot of someone to take on that Dominant role.  I just hope that he will find fulfillment there for himself, because I couldn’t continue to ask him to do it if it’s not something he decides on his own that he wants.

I am super happy that I found Tumblr and so many awesome blogs where people have shared so openly what their dynamic looks like.  It’s a great help to feel like there are others out there.

8 June 2020

[mollydollyjournals]

Monday 25th January; 156lbs

I didn't check my body composition today. I just stepped on the scales and left my phone in my bedroom, which means it doesn't send info to the app. So I know that I weigh a little less than the other day, but still way too much.

Toilet tmi again. Im still really constipated and it's actually just fucking painful. The biggest issue is it's not that I haven't been eating. I always try to eat reasonably high fiber (compared to my caloric intake anyway - 8-9g fiber a day isn't much for a normal 2000kcal diet, but it is for 800kcal) and if I need more then I have some particularly high fiber stuff like pulses. Fruit and veg is a good way to go. It's been 3-4 days now so I actually have been eating a bit more to try to make it happen, including higher fiber, but still nothing. I took some stimulant lax last night and still nothing. Had yogurt and coffee and still nothing.

I have this pain in my abdomen too. I suspected some internal bleeding last week or the week before so I'm sure something is up. Just I don't know what I should do about it. I don't want to go back to the doctor and ask them to investigate something else again. I think after my liver scan and blood tests came up fine they'll think I'm lying or exaggerating. I just don't know what's wrong with me. Is it an impaction? Do I have something constructing my intestines? An ulcer? I have really bad acid reflux too. It's like my digestive system is too full and it's just not emptying. My waist feels huge. It makes me actually scared to eat for physical reasons, because if it's not stimulating my gut to move like it should be, then all I'm doing is putting more pressure on my insides.

I'm currently drinking some osmotic lax, which is all I can do. It's what you're supposed to do for impaction. I bought it specifically because I've had these problems before and you're not meant to take stimulant lax, and sometimes it'll resolve itself but it can still be painful and also it'll take longer. Osmotic lax doesn't work fast though - you have to give it a few days. During those few days I'm just reabsorbing waste matter from my intestines. Its disgusting and unhealthy. And when it finally does work, I might have the opposite problem. In the past I've been reluctant to take lax for this because I've had instances where it acted kind of like...a plug. That once it's passed, everything else goes way too fast after it. Sorry that's gross. I guess if anyone wanted more motivation to eat properly it's so your digestive system doesn't get fucked up like this. I noticed a lot of mucus not long ago so maybe the regular mucus layer got stripped and hasn't replenished. Idk.

Other than that there is family drama happening with my brother who is currently in a psych ward and my stupid mother who thinks the sun shines directly out of his anus. My entire life she's treated him like her precious baby and I've just been secondary. Maybe because she associated him with my older brother who died. Who fucking knows. But they're stressing me the fuck out and pissing me off. I keep telling her what to do and what not to do, which I get from trying to properly research his conditions and others similar and from having dealt with her when she was in a psychotic episode, and she just doesn't. She thinks if she just talks nice and loves him enough he'll get better. As if that isn't the whole reason he's a spoiled piece of shit who thought he could take all the drugs with no consequences. This probably sounds very hypocritical from an alcoholic who has trouble not drinking even after physical health problems, but there's much more to it in my brother's case that I cba to go into.

The worst part is she gives him all the attention and understanding that I want and haven't had. I've spent the last few days feeling especially lonely and invisible. I've been talking about it a bit on social media and only a couple of friends responded. Hb came up to my room and saw me crying and basically acted like an awkward dad. Bf hasn't acknowledged much of what I've posted and we still haven't spoken directly. If not for those few friends I might have done something drastic. I don't know. I need to know if I'm actually liked loved and cared for. Missed at all. Lockdown has fucked with it so much and I already had trouble with it. I feel like I need to do something big to get attention. I could just be honest about my feeling like I want to kill myself and see who responds. But I've spoken about it before and people just kind of 'haha same' if that. I don't know if they realise that I'm genuinely close to doing something, or just don't care.

I do have borderline personality disorder and I'm so aware of the stigma. I don't want to be manipulative or abusive. I want people to want to be around me, not because I forced them. I'm so scared of being needy or annoying or overbearing or anything like that. And then if I do say something, I'm already feeling really bad and struggling a lot, so for it to be ignored hurts so much. That's why I end up drinking. I already have trouble seeing my friends post about their struggles and get so much support and love offered, when I get barely any. One of my best friends also has BPD but also everyone loves her. She has a successful small business doing what she loves, if I go anywhere with her strangers stop her and compliment her or ask to take her photo but pretend I don't exist or give me a passing smile. It's not that I don't think she deserves those things or love and support. It's just that I want it too. She's one of the few people who's reached out to me recently and I really appreciate it. I guess she knows how it feels. I just wish I wasn't so jealous.

So for my brother to start saying stuff in the family group chat and my mum to just start fawning over him and all that? Just the extra salt I really didn't need in my wounds. For one thing, I told her not to play into how he is because he'll feed off the drama. I know this because of who he is, that he really is an attention seeker, and that all 3 of us have a tendency to get caught up in things. My brother and I inherit our cluster B personality traits from her. I told her not to get into it and remain impartial. She didn't. I even messaged her and my dad separately and told them that I called the hospital and asked them to check on my brother, but she hasn't given me so much as a thank you.

She's up early for work and I sleep on Mars time, so my dad is still asleep. He'll probably say something when he gets up in a few hours. It all feels backwards. He was so abusive to me growing up. He was unnecessarily strict and horrible to me all the time and kicked me out and disowned me regularly. He tore down my entire sense of self and called me stupid and made sure I realised that if I wasn't doing well it was my own fault and I wasn't trying hard enough. But now he keeps a level head and we reconnected after years of not talking because my brother and mum both had a psychotic episode at the same time a few years ago. I hated him so much but now his approval and support is worth the most. But it's the same problem again - he seems to genuinely realise now that his overly authoritarian parenting was wrong. It's just how it is in a lot of African cultures, and his father was especially abusive, so he wasn't well equipped. He's doing things differently with my younger half brother. But why couldn't it have been me? Why didn't I get to have a nice dad who acknowledges his humanity? My half brother deserves it, but why couldn't I have that while I was growing up too?

It just makes me feel really abandoned. In every situation, there's always someone else who gets what I want, and I don't. I hate my brother so much. I feel like it'd be better if he was dead. But then my mum would spiral, and I'm not really that cold, so I phoned the hospital to talk to them and get them to check on him. Phone calls make me so nervous. I was shaking. Before the call, while I made the call, and for a long time afterwards. I didn't even get acknowledged.

I want a drink.

[darkmacademia]

hi! this is a stupid question but anyway. i’m doing my alevels (uk) so going to uni next sept. i’ve got my actual exams next summer too. the thing is, i rly want to do well and go to a good uni and my teachers have told me it’s possible. but the problem is i just can’t like study. i’ve bought books for extra reading and i told myself to watch ted talks and to write up study notes but i just can’t seem to motivate myself to actually do it. i know i’ll regret it if i don’t but i still can’t (1)

(2) find the motivation to knuckle down and study. i even wake up early and i still am not nearly as productive as i should be. i’m just tired when i come back from school so it’s easier to just watch netflix then read a book. do you have any advice/tips because i could really do with some!!! thank you so much. p.s. your blog is amazing and it makes me rly happy when i see your posts on my dash!

[long post]

Thanks for the question, it’s not stupid at all! Sorry to hear you’re struggling with studying, it can be a very stressful time. I’m not super qualified to give advice but I’m gonna try anyway! I’ll relate the tips to myself if you don’t mind, just for context. (For reference, I finished Australian VCE in November 2018)

Usually when you’re struggling with something that is totally in your power to do but you just Can’t, it might not be due to the actual task, but something about it or adjacent to it that is stopping you, e.g. fear of failure, wrong studying techniques, etc. Maybe try and analyse what exactly is stopping you? For example, when I was really struggling with writing practice essays for English (like i wrote Nothing, ever), I found that it was because I didn’t like sitting alone trying to push out ideas onto a blank page, it was just suuuper boring for me. 

So instead, I grabbed my friend and we sat for hours just chatting (and sometimes arguing very passionately) about the text and occasionally jotting down ideas to write about later. This made me actually passionate about my ideas and enjoy the work rather than it being a chore. It wasn’t because I couldn’t write essays, but because the way I went about it before didn’t work for me. (I ended up doing really well in the exam even though I started the year doing zero work). This is sort of vague advice, but if you want to chat more, feel free to send a chat message. I’d be more than happy to talk!

But for more concrete tips, these are some that I’ve found work for me personally:

1) Making it less effort to start: sometimes we don’t want to study because that involves getting out notes, setting up stationary, chargers, text books, waiting for the planets to align, etc. So what I did was make it as easy as possible to just get right into it. I’d organise my supplies on my desk so I could literally just sit down and start. That initial hesitation can set you back, especially when you don’t want to do the thing.

2) Studying with friends: this might not be practical for everyone, but I personally find it terribly difficult to motivate myself when studying alone. Find some similar-minded friends and just sit together and study. It helped me a lot to know that I wasn’t the only one suffering lmao. This leads onto the next point:

3) Pomodoro sessions: a common study technique is splitting up your time into 25+5 minute blocks, as it’s not as daunting as sitting down and telling yourself you’ll study for 2 hours straight. Especially if you’re with friends, you’re rewarded with those 5 minutes of relaxing, chatting, getting a drink, so it doesn’t seem like hours and hours of hell. (No joke, this video was my favourite video of 2018, she’s amazing). My classmates and I would find a quiet table, put that video on and just work in silence for 25 minutes, which is actually a lot less time than you think.

4) Studying is hard, but doesn’t have to be complete agony for you to do well: something I learnt during the HOURS of tediously making 500+ A3 pages in my visual diaries (I counted) for my two art subjects. Yes, doing well isn’t easy, but success is NOT synonymous with pain. Yes, you’ll have to do those equations somehow, but grab a hot drink, play some music, put on a cute outfit (idk why this helps, it just does), study with friends. Learning is meant to be fun, don’t let study get in the way of that. 

5) You can’t do everything at once: ever get overwhelmed with the size of the task? I got super scared at all the Chinese stuff I had to memorise and it totally shut me down for weeks. I had to remember that I physically could not do all of it at once, so I stopped trying. I broke everything down into weekly/daily tasks that I could manage short-term. The sheer pressure itself was stopping me from working, not the tasks themselves.

6) This is for the more extreme scenarios, but lock your social media: my friend @acastemia and I legit couldn’t stay off our social media during Year 12, so we got the other to change the passwords for all our accounts and not let each other have them until we proved that we did the work for that week. Obviously a dramatic move, but dear god it helped in those final months ahaha

7) Other random stuff that might work: this app for staying off phones, this app for getting better sleep, cleaning your desk - seeing a clear space helps clear ur mind I guess?? Studying in different environments - alternating between cafes, libraries, parks, at home. 

Whoops this is super long but I hope that helps somewhat! Please please message me further if you have more questions, I’m very passionate about navigating the hellscape that is the education system and want to see everyone do well ! Best of luck, I’d love to hear how you go in the future. xx

[casiestewart]

My Fitness Journey (So Far)

Let me start this by staying I felt like complete shit for a lot of last year. Behind the many smiling selfies, I was in pain, depressed, and trying to ignore nerve damage in half of my face. I had been treating my body like garbage with alcohol, bad food, no sleep, and something had to change. I gained a bunch of weight and after being small my whole life, I wasn’t happy. I couldn’t live like that anymore.

For a lot of 2009-2019 I went to multiple events a week, sometimes several per night. I was always on the go. I ate like crap and drank multiple times a week. When I hit my 30’s, my body changed, I gained weight, then I had a breast reduction, nearly broke my back w/ two cracked back ribs, and closed out the decade with a fractured my collarbone. A lot of good things happened in the last decade too but I’ve already shared that stuff.

For years I dreamed of being a better me, one who ate healthier, felt good in a bathing suit, had longer hair, and genuine happiness that shined out of her face. That’s who I wanted to be so I started doing things differently. From September to January, I lost 20+Lbs and man does it ever make a difference. I’m saving time every day by not stressing over my clothes not fitting. I feel mentally and physically stronger. I have more energy and I’m happier. Here’s the low down on how I get here and I feel confident that I will stick to it this time because I love the way I feel.

Fasting

August 2019 I started intermittent fasting, 8hrs eating window (noon-8pm) and fasting the rest of the day. I started to feel healthier, more energized, and leaner (slowly). This doesn’t work for everyone but I like it. I recently started using an app called Zero that tracks your fast. Some days I stick to my 16:8 goal, some days I go longer, sometimes I don’t. I try to do what feels good.

Working Out

When daylight saving time kicked in October 2019, I stuck to my same sleep schedule (early riser) and used that extra hour to go to the gym. I started with 10min a day on the treadmill. I already had a membership at LA Fitness and after not going for most of the year, I was ready to put it to work.

I didn’t post about working out and I didn’t really talk about it until recently. I did it for me, that’s the only person I had to show up for. Since then, I have learned to love working out. I keep my gym clothes beside my bed and almost every morning, I make coffee, get into my gear, and go straight there. I like the treadmill and Nike apps for the gym (NTC, NRC), and Asana Rebel or YouTube for home workouts.

I attempted and failed at working out MANY times. This time I was motivated by the end of the decade and becoming a better version of myself by the time 2020 arrived. Over the past few months, I worked out no matter where I was and if I didn’t make the gym I did something else (walk, weights).

I usually go to the gym at 6:30-7am when it’s not too busy. I also wear a lot of the same clothes, I don’t stress about what to wear. You’ll find me in cropped cannabis t-shirts and Lulu’s or Joe Fresh leggings (they’re the best!). FYI if you are shopping at joefresh.com, use Sasha’s code SASHA25 for 25% off. These are my fav ones and they’re two years old.

Hey hey, it’s 2020 me!

Slimwave

In November 2019, I did five sessions of Slimwave at The Lash Pro Studio. I was invited to try it by their PR Team and there was no chance I was saying no to that. It’s about $700 for 5 sessions.

The treatment uses an electro stimulating machine to work your muscles for 45 minutes, which works out to over 600 sit-ups. You are also wrapped in an infrared blanket that makes you sweat A LOT.

Infrared treatments warm your muscles during the Slimwave treatment, improving the blood circulation and lymph drainage, reducing swelling and improving the appearance of cellulite.

After my first session, I noticed a difference, maybe it was water weight, but I felt energized. My treatments were twice a week spaced out over three weeks.

Slimwave is a non-invasive and painless transformation alternative to liposuction, plastic surgery or cool sculpting.

Slimwave Technologies Canada

I definitely saw results from 5 sessions. It was a GREAT motivator to kickstart working out & eating well. I would love to do a few more sessions to target harder areas like stomach and thighs.

Idk why I wore this outfit for my photos so this is a bit embarrassing to share. You can definitely see my waist and ribcage are smaller, stomach a bit more toned. We couldn’t target the lower abs because I have an IUD but I would love to do that another time.

Before / After

On my most recent trip to Cuba, it was the FIRST TIME I felt good in a bathing suit in over 15 years. My whole life I had huge boobs so it was always a struggle to find a bathing suit to fit them that didn’t look weird. I don’t normally post sexy or revealing photos but I wanted to remember this moment.

A bunch of people asked about how I got started and the Slimwave process. Sharing this in a blog post so I can go back to it when I feel down or perhaps reading this will inspire someone else. Also, feel free to invite me to a workout class anytime!

If you have any questions about Slimwave, finding motivation, or just getting started, reach out anytime. I’m always here for you.

Original article: My Fitness Journey (So Far)

©2020 CASIE STEWART. All Rights Reserved.

from WordPress https://casiestewart.com/my-fitness-journey-so-far/

[fit-physicist]

21 Questions

Hi @trisgetsfit​. Thanks for the tag! Perfect timing, I’m finally free enough to have the time and energy for these things. Love it already!

Rules: Answer 21 questions and then tag 21 people you want to get to know better:

—–

Nicknames:   I don’t really have a nickname, except for some people calling me stupid names sometimes :) For Tumblr, I’m using “D” as a nickname. Privacy, whoo!

Zodiac: (more privacy here, also I don’t like astrology)

Height:  180cm. I’d say if you would stack feet next to me, it would be something like 5.5-6.5 feet? depends on the feet size (that’s literally how I imagine it every time I see feet as a unit for length)

Last movie you watched?:  The Lego Movie 2! I loved it. They are so dumb and cute. Amazing movies

Last thing you googled?:  ”charge 3 training”, because I couldn’t figure out how to change the exercise types on my mom’s fitbit (while she can’t even figure out that there is a button on the left...)

Favorite musician(s): This is a tough one, as it always changes. I think Rise Against and Halestorm are always good :)

Song stuck in my head: you did this to yourself... RiceGum - Sucky Sucky (Love Me Long Time). It just doesn’t want to leave my head, and I don’t know if I should love or hate that

Other blogs: @shit-physicist​ where I reblog shitposts :) I am also slowly transferring my personal posts to another blog. I’ll announce that when the time has come :) Then I’ll post my personal posts there, while this blog stays the same.

Do I get asks?:  rarely. I think the only genuinely random anon I got was not-Lisa. And then of course my friends here being the nice encouring people they are and occasionally sending stuff in disguise

Following: 277. But probably a lot of those are inactive. I’m too lazy to check.

Amount of sleep?: Since I’m able to sleep in lately (free work schedule with the thesis, and now being done), I started to get 7.5-8.5 hours each night, not counting the “awake times”. So with them it’s probably even more. Which also means I need to sleep a lot. sucky sucky! :/

Lucky number?: 7? idk I don’t really have a lucky number. But everything I want to say something stupid, which includes a number, I choose 7. 

What I’m wearing: Usually a hoodie with jeans. Now it’s sweatpants, because that’s how I roll at home :D

Dream job?:  God, I have no idea. I would like to do some research & development in the industry, but don’t ask me for details 

Dream trip?: The America’s. But don’t ask me for details (I’m starting to see a pattern here...), I want to see all of it :D so hard to decide

Favorite food?: I CAN’T DECIDE GOD I’M SO BAD AT DECISIONS

Play any instruments?: Unfortunately not. Never learned anything when I was young, never picked something up. Nowadays I don’t even have rhythm, so it’s really hard to learn. But I’d really love to play the piano (I also love violin but let’s be honest I’ll never be able to do that)

Languages?: English, I understand a fair bit of Russian but I struggle speaking myself (My parents often speak Russian, and I speak German back), Currently picking up Dutch again, I once knew a decent amount of French, but after 8 years of not speaking it’s basically gone.

Random fact?  In highschool, my math teacher (of the last 2 years) tried to get me into extra-curricular math stuff, but I was not nerdy enough and declined everything. He still tried to motivate me, and I guess he did a good job since I basically have a Master of Science in Physics now :)

I am tagging @athletemeetstherealworld, @unlazygirl, @punkinelle-fitness, I started following you a (short) while ago and now that I’m starting to be active again, it would be cool to know a bit of you :) No pressure tho

[inkskinned]

as another "gifted" kid that's struggling in school, can you give me any tips about how to help myself?

oh for sure, but be aware these are just what work(ed) for me, so it could be different for everybody. i was really seriously “”””motivated””” by terrible anxiety + ocd so some of this stuff is just “how to excel whilist suffering”

honestly first step is to figure out which kind of learner you are. here’s a sort of childish (and idk about accurate) quiz that’s more helpful in that it will get you thinking about… well, how you think. for me (and in my experience, a lot of other kinesthetic learners), we ended up having to learn a second/third style of learning to get by in schools, which are auditory/visual almost exclusively. i literally didn’t know i could have a 3rd learning style, which seemed really obvious once someone was like “you’re happier when you’re moving”.

use that like a sword of many colors. look up “visual learner studying tips” or whichever is most helpful for you. and follow !! the tips!! 

colorcode…. everything

someone once told me if you write something down 3 times it’s hard to forget it but i have personally managed the opposite. writing things down does help, tho

when you’re taking notes, try to think: how can i distill this into my own words for later?

when they repeat something in a second, slower voice like “it’s the second time he. ever. ate.glass” underline it. when they say it three times, put a star on it, it’s gonna be on the test

be a nerd, ask the teacher for a practice test

be a nerd, ask the teacher for a review sheet

make 1 friend in the class that you can text for notes

offer to be the class stenographer. often in college this is super helpful for 1 forcing you to pay attention and 2 helping someone out! 

group projects are Terrible, everyone knows that. when the person who Refuses To Do Work in your group starts With That Shit, keep a very detailed account of what you do to make up for the work they didn’t, and then go to the teacher with it. i’m not kidding. if you go and act concerned and make it like “oh i’m trying to help, i’m concerned they’re not getting enough out of this class, here’s what i did for them but am i just letting them cheat??” the teacher will be soft on u most of the time

make friends with your teachers

just!! email!!! them!! 9/10 times “hey i’m having a really hard time w/this assignment can i have 2 extra hours” will give you the time u need. i’ve found it’s way better to ask for a 2 hour extension than to turn it in half-done at 12.

make ur computer read back your essay. you will hear it being bad and can fix the bad

nerves, skeleton, meat, skin on every essay. nerves is the running idea through the whole essay. skeleton is quote/data that u need to reference in each paragraph. your outline can look like: IS HE GAY - Paragraph one: “yes” “yes totally” “uh huh”. try to put three bones in each paragraph, or more. then put meat on it. introduction to the quote, “quote,” end of quote. should read like the quotation marks aren’t there. then put more meat on it. transition from last sentence. [first meat]. analysis of quote + context. now your outline looks chunky. good!! the “skin” is all the beauty. add the transitions, add the intro and conclusion. now u know what ur gonna say, after all

remind yourself that practice makes perfect and that’s not a joke

rhyming things/singing them/listening to them before sleep? clutch.

good luck

[the-numbers-game]

I'm probably not gonna make much sense... as this is yet ANOTHER ramble. World MH day is almost gone here in Scotland. It probably will be after midnight by the time I post this.

I should be writing my dissertation proposal due on Friday, that I told my tutor I would probably submit early, back in the summer and now I'm struggling to write a basic plan about a political party I love because I am 1) a procrastinator 2) stupider than I was 4 years ago ((my last year of high school)) and 3) weirdly sad.

Mental health is this mad, mad subject. I'm okay. I really am. But at the same time, I'm still an anxious fuck. Since leaving my old job that I had a pure love-hate relationship with, as I've posted about before, a lot of unnecessary anxiety has left me. No dread about public transport. No customers coming to tell at me. None of the "other" stuff. I dont feel physically sick and have to take a day off. I'm mostly glad to see the back of it but I'm sad I left a job where I knew what I was doing and was good at (most of the time, sometimes a co-worker or a manager made me EXTRA anxious and made me question my competence). Minus the customers, I constantly provided a good level of service. However, my engagement with customers and giving them a "real", full on servic was rather staggered. When I worked at my first store, I was constantly buzzing and was that annoying(tm) sales assistant. When I tranferred and after my mum died, I just didn't have the energy. After some time off for MH recovery and a really lovely pep talk from my manager at the time (the type of thing youd hear in a movie - no lie) I was back into it - for a while, at least. From then, it fizzed up and down. We're going off topic now. Maybe I'll leave that for another post. Anyway, back to the point. Major workplace anxiety left me. In my new job, I feel somewhat refreshed. Like a weight has been lifted off me.

That's not to say I'm not anxious. I've forgotten how to talk to people. I talk to my team, but I'm not really connecting with anyone. I talk to people, and there's a few I get on with - but nobody is a friend. Two have me on Linkedin but nobody has me on Facebook, nobody asks me to join them at lunch. I find it difficult when I'm doing tasks around the office to talk and ask questions to people in other teams - presumably a confidence issue, perhaps because of the entitlement of some of my previous co-workers. I'm worried people think I'm rude. I feel like I make silly mistakes and ask people the same very minor questions all the time. I know that's normal because I'm new, but I'm just finding it hard to have that connection so many people have naturally. Don't get me wrong, the work I'm doing is pretty basic and the experience is soooo valuable but my confidence isnt there.

Uni is another issue. I thought, entering fourth year, I would be disciplined and be able to study because my degree relies on it. Working three days a week on my "off" days from uni and having a full weekend to myself made me feel motivated. But I'm struggling. I wasn't feeling too bad about everything until Sunday night when I started to feel a little anxious. And then I had an intense seminar on Monday,  followed by another one on Tuesday, with the same tutor. I think I'll get there but I worry about my future if I don't.

My future. Fuck. I keep putting off applying for vacation schemes and training contracts and attending open days and insight evenings and volunteering and everything else. I dont feel rounded. I can't answer the questions on the applications because even though I've got experience in committees and I've been working 15+(now 22+) hours a week since I was 17 this isn't enough. Others manage it because they're wealthy and don't work. Others manage it because they have more drive than me. I'm lethargic and I don't want to be. But a day of uni/a day of work poops me out and even just doing my prescribed readings for class on top of this makes me feel ill.

Anyway. Sorry. Yeah. I'm an axnious mess. But I'm not as bad as I was. But in ways... am I worse?

Or am I just lazy??? I'll never know.

I had this horrible stress dream on Sunday and I think that's fucked me up into thinking like this. I'm okay. Really. I can function. I used to take a lot of panic attacks. And now???? Hardly ever. Even last year, around about Xmas time I think I had a tad of depression (not diagnosed so we dont know for sure). I wasn't excited for Christmas and I spent a lot of my time, at the end of 2017, just feeling a little bit ...not there??? Like it came outta nowhere. The end of my summer was a bit anticlimactic, for reasons that are too deep to go into (mostly about work and also realising one of my courses had been missold to me). I was so so lucky to have Ruby and Callum in my life but like......my energy was just so low. They just kept me going (and stuff often do).

Today, I'm alright. And I have been forms long time. I just find it hard to put in the 110% you need to. My emotions feel real again. I cry about dogs on a daily basis and I laugh and I have a list of good that outweighs the bad about my life. I need to learn to not be scared of engaging with other people and I need to dedicate time for me in the future.

I'm also growing up. Like. I can't function as well on 0 sleep as I could even in like March. One of my best friends, who I dont see often anymore and who also doesn't have facebook was flabbergasted when I informed him of this... he also reminded me that I'm still young and hormes and shit...

Idk where I was going with this post but I'm just so.... so...... urgh. Yeah.

Like this post mental health doesn't make sense. And like me my MH is sound but also a bit of a dick.

There's A LOT of other shit I wanted to stay but this has gone on too long and I need to sleep for work in the morning!!!!

Anyway ily all and thanks for staying with me.

You are kind and valid and I probably love you.

xxxxx

[mugiwara--ya]

also like. fuck dermatillomania, seriously.

this was supposed to be a short post but fuck it lol this is HUGE 

when i had my first really bad breakout at like, 18 (from fucking contraceptivesl!!!!!! like before i did have a couple uh..idk if i would call em breakouts, but like you know, just regular teen acne, and my gyn was like “you have a bit of acne so these pills are gonna help ya!!” FUCK YOU I BARELY HAD ANYTHING) i remember waking up one day, rubbing my eyes, then touching my forehead. and i felt a TON of tiny bumps. i was like, the fuck? and i wiped my forehead with my bed sheets because i thought i had dirt or somethig on my face. and i touched again and they were still there. i immediately got up and looked at my big mirror, and i swear it was like half an hour straight of just looking at my forehead, with dozens of closed comedones, and it was.. it was terrible. people used to tell me how pretty my skin was, that my face was so soft and perfect, and asking me which products i used (i did have a skincare routine because i couldnt risk fucking up my face, i’ve always picked at every single imperfection so i had to make sure i had none to begin with)

so yeah i fucking panicked. my skin was my confidence. i barely used bb cream for dark circles or when i wanted to look extra nice, and that would be it. my appearance was (is) everything to me. 

and thats when derma fucked up my life (now that i think about it i DID almost die of an infected wound that i picked at when i was a toddler but ANYWAYS). im pretty sure that if i had just taken care of it as a normal fucking person, it would have just gone away, healed, the end. i even stopped taking those pills. but i picked at it. i picked and scratched and squeezed and put needles on those hideous fucking things because i just needed to get them out. i would spend HOURS every day picking at my skin. and it only made it worse. not only those didnt go away for a few months, not only did i cause terrible scarring, but i pretty much spread all that nasty shit all over my face. and yeah, my acne itself was never TERRIBLE, at the beginning most people couldnt even tell and with just a bit of makeup i was ready to go! but i just..kept picking at it. because i was terrified. i made scar after scar. painful acne would grow under those scars. and i would pick at it even if the previous one wasnt done healing. my mom would look at me and tell me how hideous i looked. “put on some makeup i dont want to go out with you looking like that”. i would go into work and they would tell me “the fuck did you do to your face now?!” 

it wasnt acne itself. it was all the scarring i made. you can cover up acne with foundation. but scabs? open wounds? it looks like shit. and i put on makeup anyways, and i literally wasnt able to go out without it, but i always knew everyone could see my scabs. patchy, ugly, painful looking scabs. i was ashamed of it. my confidence was gone. i felt uglier every day. i knew it was all my own fault. everyone kept telling me “just stop picking at it”.

but i got so desperate. so anxious. i used to have anxiety attacks when i tried to lie down and not pick at my face. i tried picking at ingrown hairs on my legs to distract me and it worked for a while, but as soon as i saw my reflection i was gone, like i couldnt control myself, i dissociated completely and when i was back on my body i looked at my face and just cried. i cried and cried because i fucking did it again. 

this lasted for about three-four years i think, and it got even worse when my actual acne got Very Bad between last year and this year, especially because i had run out of all the skincare products that actually worked and didnt have money for new ones so i tried to settle down for local products (that didnt work), i was stressed the fuck out because i had secretly dropped out of university, my hormones were crazy (endometriosis ayyy), and idk it was Bad. but then again. my acne was never REALLY terrible, like yeah it was worse, but never like cystic acne or like full face of it (i had on my forehead, nose, inner sides of my cheeks, around my mouth and chin, like mostly the center of my face) and i never had that many violent painful pimples at the same time (mostly because i would pick em out as soon as i could) but THE SCABS. My skin also got really oily and my pores were fucking huge, and even if thankfully my skin is pretty good at healing itself (i dont have deep scars, its mostly hyperpigmentation with little to no texture after it has fully healed) no matter how fast my scabs healed (a couple weeks usually) i always made myself new ones, like !! why !! 

now, a few months ago, i started taking contraception again. another brand, because i couldnt stand period pains anymore. and this time..it actually helped! my skin got a bit less oily, i started getting less pimples, and a bit after that, i finally bought new (korean) skincare. the only non-prescription skincare that has ever worked for me lol. etude house i owe you my life. i also stopped smoking cigs, and i’ve really been trying to eat healthier. trying. shut up

and i finally started getting better, slowly!! and i dont know, just having a routine helped a lot in regaining my confidence, taking care of my skin helped my anxiety, and i kept thinking “i spent a SHIT TON OF MONEY on these things, i’m not gonna ruin it by picking”. and yeah i still did it/do it every now and then, but WAY LESS than i used to, and now i strategically pick at stuff that can be easily covered up by hair, i never put my hands directly on my face (i wrap my fingers in cloth or something), and always clean my face afterwards, im a Conscious Picker™ now

and last week i finally decided to go see a dermatologist! (ABOUT TIME!!) and yeah she told me most of my skin problems are due to excoriating, and my actual acne can be treated easily, and gave me a bunch of prescription products to help get rid of it and control my oily ass face. and bitch!!!! just five days in and MY SKIN ALREADY LOOKS SO SO SO MUCH BETTER! (LIKE IGNORING THE FACT THAT I HAVE TWO HUGE SCABS NEAR MY MOUTH AND TWO MORE ON MY FOREHEAD AND A LOT OF HYPERPIGMENTATION)

and im just. i look at the mirror and i wanna cry. i wanna cry because im getting better. im scared of ruining it, but im just so motivated. this time im not letting my anxiety get in the middle of what i want. im insecure, i still struggle to believe im beautiful with or without acne or scars, but im worth the try, i deserve to take care of myself and do things that make me happy, and if im vain ! whatever! feeling my skin soft makes me happy! looking at the mirror and loving how i look makes me happy! keeping a routine, washing my face, putting on creams till i look like a glazed donut, it makes me happy!  going out without makeup and not caring makes me happy! putting on makeup and not caring if some scabs or hyperpigmentation still shows because i know its all getting better, it makes me happy! 

i am stronger than i thought and i am stronger than the anxiety derma gives me. i just needed to work out a way to go around it lol. also im tired as fuck and ive been writing about this for like two hours. no one is gonna read this but whatever lol i love myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BITCH I LOVE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM GLOWING!!!

[theputterer]

I was tagged by @illuminahsti

+Where do you publish your work? the only work I have “published” is all on AO3 under theputterer and is all pretty niche and contained in the “universe” i created. occasionally I do Sunday Six here with my original stuff

+What medium/application/etc.? GOOGLE DOCS OR DEATH

I have tried Scrivener but idk it hasn’t really been that great for me. I never handwrite because I handwrite too slowly. much faster typing

+Do you collaborate with others? I had a writing project with a good friend of mine when we were, like, 10-12 but that’s about it. I would probably be a horrible collaborator. I get really finicky about details.

@anexitlike is, always, very kind about my writing and always eager to break it down and parse it out. this was especially evident and wonderful for the Nonsense, a project I was terrified about and deeply ashamed over, but she’s just as enthusiastic about my original stuff too, which is just as good, obvi

@illuminahsti is who I go to when I have technical questions (”do people generally prefer first or third person narratives?” “what the fuck is a b-plot?” etc.) or general plot issues. they have read and thought so much about writing and are always down to think about the Whys of it all and just so so helpful

+How much editing do you do before you publish? the Nonsense was minimally edited. my great talent with it was writing exactly what I needed and nothing extra. so like, no cut scenes or anything. my best friend read(s) everything before it goes online to make sure it Makes Sense but that’s it

my original stuff is edited to literal death because i have no idea what i’m doing

+Do you listen to music? so much. so much. i have many playlists. the spotify “Best of Movie Soundtracks” playlist gives me life.

+How do you decide what to write about? i take a very simple concept and make it 129984 times more difficult. i almost exclusively write sci-fi and i am not a science person. idk why i’m like this.

the Nonsense is always the exception, where everything happened very quickly and clearly. i knew the first half of the Big Story before I even started writing. the doc of Story Details was 20 pages long but each chapter was outlined with one sentence that somehow helped me produce 3000 words each time.

+When do you write? later in the day, normally. at school I’d go to class, come home, do homework, eat dinner, do homework, then squeeze in an hour or two of writing before bed. I was very productive then.

+How often do you write? listen I have written around 400,000 words this year but this year has been a Weird Year. most years I write MAYBE 30,000 words. I’m trying to write original stuff again so my productivity is way down. way down.

+Do you take requests? I am open to this, I think I’ve said this

+Is there a genre or type of story you want to write but are hesitant to? I read THE RAVEN CYCLE last week so I’ve been thinking a lot about YA and I have a couple original characters in mind but no plot. I complicate everything too much.

+Any inspirational quotes, videos, tricks, articles, etc that help you stay motivated?

I am getting better at being okay with my work. I really struggle to talk about my writing in real life because I am very ashamed for no good reason, I think. giving my projects stupid code names (Trash Fire, the Nonsense, Fleapit, etc.) helps me talk about them more easily than I would otherwise. (AND WE GOTTA TALK ABOUT OUR WRITING GANG!!!)

I allowed myself to be okay with writing the Nonsense which I think was the correct response to it. my best piece of advice is letting yourself be okay with the stories you produce, even if they’re fucking ridiculous.

+Go to page 7 of your WIP, skip to the 7th line, and share 7 sentences:

um ok so i almost Trade Exclusively in WIPs but here’s the Trash Fire:

“The conservatory.”

Unlike her husband, Virginia Bishop could easily be mistaken as taking an absurdly uncomfortable nap in an atypical location. Her glossy blonde hair is splayed around her head, rain and salt water camouflaging it to the damp wood underneath. Yet her skin has taken on the hue of the snow that often falls on the mountains where Sylvia and company live, and her legs suggest a hard drop to the ground.

Not to mention the well-defined spot on the side of her forehead, where dried blood has splattered and formed a devastating tattoo.

Here’s a tattoo to have forever.

“Okay, so… Who did it?”

Tagging: @callioope, @thenewleeland @alittlemomentum @yavemiel and anyone else who follows me and writes!

[well-hidden-hot-mess]

me again

so it’s saturday morning and here i am laying in my bed, feeling so beyond physically exhausted and it’s so frustrating. to be fair, i didn’t fall asleep until late last night (like 3am late) so i’m not surprised i’m so dead but that doesn’t mean that my type a self is okay with feeling so useless. i know i set stupidly high expectations for myself but after being horizontal due to stupid vertigo and stuffing my face for a week or more, it’s just becoming even worse. yes i know there’s zero way i could be working out since i couldn’t even be upright for more than a minute without dying and i’m sure could’ve used the diet break but as always i just went off the deep end with my eating and regret all life decisions. i’m just frustrated AF with myself for doing that when i know how badly i want to get to my desired body and honestly more than that, how badly i want to feel good again in my skin. I don’t feel like myself when i’m this “fat” (which i know i still have a mostly flat stomach when i’m not eating shit and i’m not actually fat but i feel bulky and huge because of the fat on top of the muscle makes me look so much larger than i am and not in a good lean with muscle kinda way) and it’s so hard to like idk feel good in general when i don’t feel like myself. like when i’m on track and making progress i feel strong and on top of my shit and motivated and like i could take over the world. when i’m not, i feel like shit mentally and physically, zero motivation to workout or eat well, eat my feelings and make things worse, and just overall shit. a part of me is like i need to love myself at any weight and be more accepting of my body and honestly i am to a degree but i know that i could feel so much happier at the other weight. it’s not even about a number on the scale or 100% just about looks (a good amount is i’m not going to lie but it’s not 100%) but when i look good i feel a sense of pride and success and strength that makes me happy. it’s not oh i’ll only be happy when i’m leaner because i’ll be hotter or whatever, it’s what making progress and being consistent does for my mental health and less about the body at that point and that’s an added bonus. especially since the move is quickly approaching (i’ll get to that in a second), i don’t want to move to nashville feeling like shit about myself when i’m going to need all the mental strength in the world to deal with the move and being alone in a city where i know like one person kinda and not being so close to my mother and my family and my dog and jumping head first out of my comfort zone in every aspect of my life and finding a new job and all that. the last thing i need is to be super preoccupied about my body and feeling like shit when it’s my time to thrive and start a whole new life. plus i’m going to want to try all the restaurants and be social and go out with new friends and that’s going to include lots of country girl’s at Lukes and the nachos at Jason Aldeans aka lots of extra calories/weight. plus i might be working a job where i get to sit down all day so i’ll be less active on top of that so it’s a recipe for weight loss disaster. i want to get there in a body i’m proud of and don’t have to worry about so i can focus on the much more important parts of this whole new life experience. i’m going to do a separate post about my weight loss goals so i can look back at it when i need motivation and to remind myself why i’m doing this when all i want to do is quit because those moments are way too often right now and have been way too easy to fall into and i end up back to like 175lbs aka now. again, i know i’m going to have setbacks where i can’t workout because life happens or i’m going to go have those nachos or wings or whatever but i can’t let that and the fear of that control my life. i just want to live a healthy, balanced lifestyle where i don’t NEED to count macros and get to a body where i can maintain that relatively easy while still enjoying my life and all that it has to give. i’m tired of my body/fitness consuming my brain all the time and it being so strongly linked to my mental state. i just want to break free of the hold that it has on me and feel good in my body. now i know that also dealing with depression and anxiety and disordered eating habits/body image and lyme have a huge impact on my mental state and are all fighting against me but i’ve been letting that be my excuse more lately to not stick to my goals while claiming it’s “self care” when yes, some of it is but not to the extent that i’ve been taking it. it’s also not helpful having OCD/type a-ness and seeing everything as black and white, either on diet or falling completely off, working out hard and killing myself in the gym vs. laying in bed all day and not moving for 24, 48 hours. i’ve created this cycle of that for myself and i’m sick of it. i’m so ready to break free but i know right now with everything going on with packing and the move and all that is not the time to try to start a whole new lifestyle switch but i also know that’s also me using that as an excuse to stay the same. the annoying thing is that it’s not my conscious brain deciding that it’s okay to use that as an excuse, it’s a subconscious thing that i feel like i can’t control and it’s my own brain working against me in another way. i’m just struggling right now with my body image and mental health and i’m so tired of this whole cycle i’ve put myself in so many times. the highs just make the low points feel so much lower and i feel like they’re becoming more frequent and lasting longer. to be fair, i’ve also dealt with a lot the last few months health wise - really bad lower back pain, winter allergies, vertigo, having the cyst, having surgery to remove the cyst and the recovery time afterwards, lyme, pushing my body too hard after staying in the same .4lb range for 3 months and trying to push past that plateau, and more that i can’t think of right now. so like yes there were limiting factors but at the same time, they’re just excuses. did i need to stuff my face every day while i was home recovering from the different things? no. did i? yes. do i keep doing it over and over again even though i always regret it and feel like shit all around when i do it? yes. shit’s so frustrating. i just want a healthy relationship with my body/brain and food and exercise. like is that really too much to ask??

i know i said i was going to talk about the move but now i’m in a mood because i’m actually letting out my feelings and letting myself feel them which is hard when you’re so used to keeping them all in and having this facade of nothing bothers me, i have no feelings, i’m fine, this is fine, everything’s fine. the problem is that i have so much going on in my brain and my life that once i start typing and letting out a little bit, everything comes flying out and i don’t have the time or the energy to get through it all. like here’s just an off the top of my head list of things i need to vent about/need to work through:

the move - both the physical strain and the mental strain

work things - frustrations with the current and the terrifying thing of finding a new job when this one is all i’ve known for 6 years and i’m ripping my safety blanket out from under me and lighting it on fire pretty much

nashville - the move itself, starting over with friends, job, apartment, lifestyle, gym, being the new girl alone in a city with no close by support system, moving away from my family for the first time, dating in a new place

past love life - mistakes i’ve made/they’ve made that i won’t let myself let go of and let define me and just in general

current love life (or lack there of) - feeling alone/being alone, being scared to get back into dating especially in a new place after so long since i was too scared to do that in the city/area i’ve lived in forever, feeling like i’m too awkward to date and that i’m so messed up mentally and physically that i’m not good enough for anyone that i would want and that i’m going to die alone

future - uncertainty of a career, family of my own, success, being a self sufficient adult and not a financial burden on my mother

body image/relationship to food/etc. - pretty much this post but more deep and really pulling the deep dark thoughts out of places i didn’t know existed so i can deal with them

feeling hopeless that i’ll ever be successful in any category of my life - if i can’t even lose weight, why would i ever think i would be able to have a happy relationship/good career/good support group/etc

feeling lost and alone and like i’m screaming out for help to anyone who will listen but not wanting to be a burden on them or be vulnerable and let someone in and have them reject/hurt me or give up this facade of i don’t have feelings and i’m totally fine when i’m not at all

yeah so as we can see i’m all sorts of fucked up and i know that each one of those topics has like pages and pages of words and that’s just the initial post let alone the ones after when i start to actually deal with them vs just getting it out at first. so just thinking about that is overwhelming so i just don’t deal with anything and that’s how i got here in the first place so it’s just a lot. i eventually want to do more posts that are more edited and more helpful to others who go through the same shit but right now all i can do is just word vomit and i know i won’t be of any help to anyone because i’m still going through it and have no idea on how to fix this so it would be the blind leading the blind but they’re both like blackout drunk and stumbling around lol. i feel like the scene from mean girls where the girl is like “i just have a lot of feelings” and i feel like everyone else is damian going “she doesn’t even go here” because i feel so alone and like different than everyone else and so in my own head that i’m isolating myself and making it that much worse because it’s not just in my head that i’m isolating myself because i actually am. oh god this is a whole other rant that i want to get into but i don’t know if i have the mental strength to fully unpack right now. i’m going to end this post because it’s already ungodly long and you may or may not see that posted soon after this one. i love how i say that like anyone follows this or knows this exists and is going to be looking for that post. this is pretty much me just talking to myself like a crazy person. whatever. i’ll be my own audience lol. okay goodbye.

[goosegoblin]

[1/2] Heeey Jess. You sometimes write about having ADHD (and autism if I'm correct) and I just, idk, need to tell smb else bc I'm having emotions. I'm a psych student so actually going to psychologist was difficult. But I struggle so much. I've come to really good guy, specialising in what I suspect is wrong and so far he is v understanding, I like his approach. We started assessment for ADHD.

[2/2] I’m going to have further test tomorrow, done by other psych bc mine simply doesn’t have it but nvm. So basically, I’m conflicted about the whole thing bc on one hand, maybe it’s nothing and I’m freaking out?? But then on the other, hey, this IS a problem, been my whole life, it impacts my daily life. If I’m not prying (you don’t have to answer if it’s too much, I understand), idk, how did you life change after a diagnosis? Better, different? Any tips? In general? Ta for listening!

Hey my friend! I know this feeling very well. Honestly, I went through the five stages of grief with my diagnosis, as weird as that sounds. Definitely took me a few months to hit acceptance.

First I felt denial- why am I doing this? I probably don’t have ADHD at all. I’m just lazy/ stupid/ not trying hard enough and I want to be special. I’m wasting everyone’s time. I’ve misled everyone.

Then: anger. What the fuck??? Why do I have ADHD? This is bullshit! Why can’t I be a normal person? What do you mean this is a lifelong thing? HOW DID THEY MISS THIS FOR 21 YEARS HOLY SHIT MY LIFE WOULD BE SO DIFFERENT IF THEY’D DIAGNOSED ME AT 8!!!

Then: depression. This sucks. This is my life. I can never be normal. I’m always going to struggle. I’m always going to be Odd. This is so unfair.

I had a bit of bargaining- a bit of ‘would I rather have depression or ADHD? would I rather have ADHD or anorexia? would I-’

Then: acceptance. I have ADHD. That is part of who I am, though it is not all I am. I know that my problems are real, and not just a character flaw. I don’t hate myself as much when things go wrong. This isn’t just me messing up, and I’m not the only one who feels this way.

Positives:

‘ADHD’ is a useful shorthand to communicate a lot of things I struggle with. It’s nice to be in communities of people with ADHD and find things to bond over. The sense of community and belonging has been really lovely (although online groups are hilarious- it’s just everyone writing 2000 word posts and nobody else reading them).

Stimulants have helped me a lot. My executive functioning is near zero without them. The side-effects aren’t super great, but I’ll take ‘em over sleeping until 4PM because I don’t have the motivation to get out of bed, or failing my driving test three times because my inattentive ass was genuinely dangerous on the roads. 

I was able to get some special arrangements at uni, which helped a lot. At my uni you can’t leave an exam in the first or last thirty minutes, which my ADHD hates. I never ever stayed that last thirty minutes, even when I needed it, because being trapped in a room with nothing to do for half an hour sounds like hell. After my diagnosis I got extra time and took the exam in a smaller room with fewer distractions. As I got an extra 45 minutes, that meant that last thirty minutes of doom and dread was 45 minutes later, and I could have as much time as I needed without facing entrapment. 

You learn workarounds. Imagine that you were lactose intolerant and never knew. People might be like ‘oh man, stomach troubles? Eat probiotic yoghurt!’, and if you did that it would make things worse. Getting a diagnosis helps you know what helps and what doesn’t. For example, for ADHD, group revision sessions are a horrible terrible idea- in which case, work alone. You might find silence is actually distracting- in which case, you need a white noise app or similar. You might find that fidgeting or doodling actually makes you take in more of what’s being said, not less. You learn that the general one-size-fits-all advice might not fit you, but there’s a lot of advice that’s tailored for your condition. Yay!

Downsides:

More awareness of stigma. People tend to think ADHD is what doctors call hyperactive white boys- they have no idea it affects adults, and that it manifests in so many different ways. People joking about buying my meds. The annoyance of having to get and take a controlled substance. 

TIPS:

Find a community for people with ADHD, either online or IRL, and join it. I can’t stress this enough.

Check out Unfuck Your Habitat for a good guide on how to handle cleaning when both you and your house are an unorganised mess.

Download a website blocker/ productivity app. I like Habitica for positive encouragement, and I have a website blocker that lets me go ‘nuclear’ and block certain sites for 1 hour with no way to undo it. Sometimes I block the whole internet at night so I’ll actually go the fuck to bed.

I have a waterproof bluetooth speaker that I love. Showering, cleaning and cooking are so much easier with music.

Give yourself time. You’re gonna feel a lot of things about this diagnosis. It’ll mellow out eventually.

Get used to educating people. Find some ways to explain why what you’re talking about isn’t what they think you’re talking about. They hear ‘I can’t concentrate unless something is interesting’ and compare it to their own experience of ‘sure, it’s hard when it’s boring, but you have to try’. I explain it instead as ‘you know the end of a long day of lectures when your brain is fried and you can’t handle any more information at all? I get like that after five minutes’. 

Do not listen to the opinions of people other than your doctor on your meds. ‘it’s legal meth!!11!’ eat my ass sandra

Message me any time, on or off anon. Best of luck with the rest of your life