Tumgik
#idk i just.... how do i get thru this when there is no end to it fjfkdl this is not Getting Through! its just Enduring!
canisonicscrewyou · 4 months
Text
my eye-spy sitcom best friendcore ass apartment. btw. just thought you should know. I kind of recommend zooming in if you want to.
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
Constant Visual Stimulation. No Escape.
bonus: the newest addition that we stole rescued from my place of work yesterday after taking these pics. a lovely lady.
Tumblr media
32 notes · View notes
ch4teaulobbyno4 · 10 days
Text
Tumblr media
possibly my most self-indulgent oc yet & guess what. she’s for obey me
#obey me#oc : himura no chiyoko#the no is there for a reason#i love chiyoko… so much… ok what if :#you were essentially the heir of a clan of space pirates (not that that’s all the himura is but u get the picture) and. also somehow d#descended from a demon… and also you were kind of a sports star… and you came from 500 years in the future… and (during sport) you jumped#into the heart of a dying star after your childhood best friend / first love and somehow you end up in 21st century london so you do your#best & you generally do OK except said bff died going thru the star & you didn’t cos of ur demon heritage so you’re just alone here. so you#start various relationships all of which end with you getting your heartbroken because you’ve been in love with the same person since u#were 8 and ur not ready for the 21st century dating scene and then#you get abducted into what is basically hell as a ‘human’ exchange student when half of the time you Are Blue.#so you think OK maybe this is how i get home maybe they can time travel except they’re all DICKS to you and you (you are like 23/24 by the#way) cry in your closet every day because it’s just a Lot and then you FALL IN LOVE WITH SOME OF THEM and they seem to love u back#and for the first time since u left home u feel like maybe u can have a family again. because u left ur fam behind when u jumped into the#dying star remember. but then#this freak in the attic KILLS YOU and none of them do anything about it#so you move in with the hottie next door (mephisto)#but you are 1. hopeless 2. romantic 3. stupid 4. beautiful so you eventually rekindle things … and maybe even w the guy who killed u#idk i’m undecided if she romances belphie yet#we got mephisto lucifer mammon & levi for sure. maybe 4 husbands is enough for her#OH YEAH. AND YOURE STILL GRIEVING YOUR DEAD BFF/GF. UNTIL YOU REALISE YOURE ONLY STILL GRIEVING BECAUSE ITS ALL YOU HAVE OF HOME.#anyway that’s chiyoko 🥰
3 notes · View notes
Text
i'm kind of amazed how most of the stardew marriage candidates just want you to be their manic pixie dream whatever by agreeing with everything they like and plying them with compliments or praise or whatever (which is fine but a bit. Much) but for shane his romance is just you being there for him while he figures his own shit out... dunno why i never wanted to romance him before he's so good
#i'm usually a sebastian kinda guy but i do think it's silly you have to say you like scifi to gain friendship points w him like cmon man#i will say though that. my bestie's baby daddy being named shane kinda does make it hard to like him 😭 unfortunate but not his fault#ik a lot of ppl are weird abt his recovery and his messy ass room bc they play stardew to make things look pretty or whatever#but i'm actually kind of glad he's a realistic depiction of addiction... the problem is his dependence on indulging in alcohol when he's#depressed not the fact that he drinks period... i think that a lot of ppl are unrealistic abt alcoholism (including me abt my dad's)#but concernedape did really good w him imo. anyways all this to say that i'm really glad shane never expects someone to be a certain way#i know most of the candidates are like. archetypes or whatever and i think that's fine they are very sweet and cute regardless but#i think maybe i didnt romance him before bc i related to him so badly that it hurt seeing myself reflected LMAO dead end life and being#suicidal about it like. i've never had a drug dependence but i'm not really in a position where i can ever make my own decisions anyways#but regardless. there is smth to someone who slowly warms up to you when they can't ignore your kindness any longer and have no reason to#act like an abused dog anymore which. does make me sad just to say but that is how he acts beforehand#idkkkkk idk i think people are always too caught up with his addiction and his messy room to actually see him without realizing that#getting better is a lot harder than it appears and that having a dirty room doesn't mean you aren't trying to be better. sigh#besides it's not like. the end of the world that he has a beer sometimes. have you tried going thru life completely sober? it sucks#ok im done LMAO but yeah i've found myself gravitating towards him this time around when i've romanced sebastian literally every playthru#til now. hmm!#ACTUALLY ONE MORE THING. i like how he's basically a twist on the classic useless husband trope in media where they love sports and drinking#but he's not a bad person and the only reason he's mean to you at first is because he hates himself and his own life and he makes an effort#the more you get close to him instead of the opposite. i like that a lot. ok now i'm done
6 notes · View notes
binders-and-beanies · 2 months
Text
.
#I did get to talk to a crisis counselor for an hour and it was more helpful than other hotlines I’ve used#what I rly need is for the structural issues to be solved n no counselor can do that. I face that on the other end of it as a social worker#and the interaction did feel v much like they were following a set of steps. but they personalized it enough to feel supportive#they validated me in ways I never rly get and I’m always saying I wish someone would just believe me n recognize what I go thru#we also talked abt how I’m like tired of always having to solve huge problems but that’s also smth im best at#like it sucks to have to handle all this but I’m good at handling it bc I have to be#the words they used were ‘drive’ and ‘independence’ which like lowkey meant the world even tho they don’t know me#n I told the person that. idk it didn’t make me feel better abt the situation but it made me feel better in that someone acknowledged it#n that I was even able to get a hold of someone competent n compassionate#it takes away that feeling of ‘and on top of it all I can’t seek help + a hotline will feel pointless’#idk. I may delete this and/or a bunch of my venting from today#not even as a shame thing but just. I need to be able to be honest Somewhere without being reminded of it too much after I’ve processed it#man it’s just like. it always feels condescending trying to help clients w Coping Strategies when what they need is money#and it’s like. if they only knew we have the same problem ourselves. would they trust us more or less#mine#txt#personal
2 notes · View notes
faebriel · 10 months
Note
hgs brainrot has returned due to tbosas .. speaking of hgs here’s an ask abt the hgs au: if things were totally different, and Wilbur were to be a 12 victor, what do you think a possible mentor-tribute dynamic would look like between him & Niki? I feel like it would be similar to Snow & Lucy in the way that he’s just going out of his way to cheat n help her
anon u have in fact struck jackpot because this is a concept i was spinning some thoughts abt before bee mentioned avoxes and we went OOOOH at that!!! so yes i have considered rainduo as a mentor-tribute dynamic and would love to talk about that concept too :]
so for this concept i think wilbur and niki would be close friends throughout childhood from 12, and then in their teens wilbur is reaped and, well, no one has particularly high hopes (he's a writer and a musician at heart, not a fighter) but through sheer trickery and dumb luck, he makes it to the end of the games. wilbur pulled some pretty fucked up tricks to win - when you can't use brute force, you have to use your brain - and partly due to the trauma of the games, partly due to his shame and survivor's guilt, he sinks into the capitol and relishes a new life there as a socialite. to him, the old wilbur died in the games and the new one has taken his place - to niki, and to his other friends in 12, whatever the games did to him made him into every vapid heartless capitol victor there is.
or. niki has her doubts. they all saw how horrible the games were, but surely there is some part of him left, some part that's hurting, even if it's buried deep?
anyway.
like og spin of the au, niki is reaped and this sucks - this time she does expect wilbur as her mentor on the train, and she expects some kind of warm welcome (maybe even an apology for leaving them so suddenly and silently? an explanation?) but she gets jack shit. wilbur is jaded and cruel and unrecognisable and niki entirely hates it. this is the part where i REALLY WISH we got some time of those two beefing with each other directly in canon (or at least interactions while niki was So Mad at him) but it's okay we fly blind. niki feels abandoned, lonely, thrown off of her kilter - she expected an ally in this place, but she doesn't recognise the person wilbur has become. she doesn't recognise his shallowness (...much), his ruthless advice for the arena, the way he doesn't seem to care for anything. she's scared and now she's lonely and it pisses her off - their mentorship is fraught. here are some thoughts from discord on that:
Tumblr media
i tend to think of niki as a bit naïve before l'manberg or even doomsday - i think this is an au where this streak would come out real strong, and niki is stubborn that she can get through the games without losing herself. stubborn that she can stop things, that she can protect people. i don't think wilbur is cold enough (or, really, can bear to say aloud) to say that her odds in the arena are slim enough as it is, but he definitely tells her that she's making enemies and that her odds of survival dwindle with the more trouble she causes.
beyond that... hm. niki's trust in wilbur is almost unshakeable until nov 16, even when she outright says she doesn't recognise him anymore. i think she'd reluctantly listen re: don't burn down any buildings, but she would grow bolder each day she had to stay in the capitol. she gets more honest in front of the cameras. she makes more friends in training, and not the ones wilbur recommends. she throws barbs at him every time he makes one of those callous, cold-hearted comments about other tributes and rankings and odds. and besides, she's going in the arena this time, not him. she needs to practice her bravery.
it's like... she hasn't given up on him. she thinks the old wilbur is in there somewhere. (she is wrong. that is not how trauma works.) but she won't hold her tongue just because she
for extra angst points could definitely play up the whole 'feeling abandoned' angle between them as niki goes into the arena - probably due to how fraught their friendship gets leading up to the games. niki wants to focus on them and their friendship, wilbur has stringently cut off (almost) everything from 12 and refuses to let her in; he tells her to behave for the cameras, she tells him she never will. i think the last point in that screenshot would also make for a super tasty argument where niki feels wilbur has gone astray, that he's abandoned 12, and that he'll probably do nothing but sit on his ass and watch her die and he can't even bring himself to care about her anymore, can he? just more fodder for the arena. and honestly, i think wilbur would passively agree with most of that - he values niki's opinion, after all, even now, and if she says he's rapidly descending into a lost cause then she must be right. and it's niki, so she will be fine, and he goes to his bedroom that night and tries to pretend he is sleeping perfectly fine instead of feeling paralysed with fear.
okay now onto the games - YES HE SO WOULD. or at least i think he would go out of his way to help. as for cheating - he's a recent victor for 12 and i think he would value tommy (no doubt a link to him... i think they'd be in touch in this au also) too much to risk the punishment falling onto him as well. i get the vibes this is a games closer to 74th than 10th, so there are far fewer opportunities to cheat and the consequences of getting caught are higher. but schmoozing up sponsors? making stupid ass radio interviews or whatever to talk up niki's odds? sharing anecdotes from their childhood - some real, some entirely fabricated - across capitol airwaves to stoke their sympathy? 100%. with less to lose in this au, i think niki would be far less inclined to play nice for the cameras - i hope you starve, she spits at one of them, and wilbur appears on a talkshow two days later as she scrambles for survival in the arena to talk up how she always saved loaves from the bakery for the poorest mothers and children in 12. he borrows and begs and swindles to the point where it feels like cheating. but hey, this new wilbur is capitol-branded. he knows how to play the game.
if anything he probably sinks into the game a little too much. self-preservation is not his forte. probably wracks up a few heavy debts and favours to owe, but those are not priority until niki is out of the arena, alive. as long as she wins, and as long as the family he has isn't in danger, he will manage. wow it would suck if at some point those two goals became impossible to co-achieve. anyway
i kind of see niki's victory in the arena being similar to the one in the main au - if only because planning out an entire games is hard for meee >-< . she walks in bolder and braver for sure, and with a less strategic pick of allies, but they all get picked off and she spends a few weeks so terrified she can barely sleep and then she ruptures some fuel line and sets the arena alight with a fire that burns brighter and more ravenously than it should. but she wins, and she's airlifted out of a filthy, muddy creek she had resigned herself to die in, and wilbur barges his way through as many peacekeepers so that he can actually see her with her burnt skin and hair and unfocused eyes and trust that what was on the screens wasn't a fluke, and that they made it. and then it's just a matter of surviving the after.
i'm sure there are some other random quirks or tidbits i can think of re: this take on a c!rainduo hunger games au but these are my base thoughts!!
#can i just say whatever the hell lucy grey n snow had going on in part 1 made me so berko btw. like congrats ur my means to an end youre my#symbol youre my buddy? should we kiss? i'll get you out of here / don't make me leave these people behind#BRIDGING OFF OF THE TBOSAS DISCUSSION. i think the thing with crainduo (or at least how i like to depict them) is that they care about each#other extremely deeply and value each other... without being each others number one priority at all times.#i don't think niki plays priority with people she cares for like that; see her relationships with like wilbur and eret in lmanberg#even her friendship with and offering ponk a place to stay in her city after manberg even tho manberg hurt her#as for wilbur: his priority is tommy. like always. if it was just him on the line he'd do anything to get niki thru but it's not#asks#hunger games au#they would truly be such a nightmare in this au like. wilbur's self loathing is SO HIGH due to survivors guilt and trauma and mental illnes#he thinks that niki is So Good and Has It Together meanwhile he is So Bad#and is a mess that she cannot possibly rely on him. she can't possibly need him. she can't possibly want him around#<- and this shit is INGRAINED like. it's not even an active thought pattern anymore it is carved into his brain like a groove#and so shes like. do you even care whether i live or die??#of course he does. but this is the capitol. he cant be vulnerable in a way that matters#and that alienates niki further and this rage and heartbreak is building in her with nowhere to go. and in the arena she thinks it erupts#nah uh. i think its AFTER the area when she has to face wilbur again that she would go full screaming meltdown#ANYWAY !! i really like aus where they have this friction esp because i think like.. idk i think sometimes our views of rainduo are too ros#wilbur kind of forgets about niki sometimes because his self hatred is that bad. niki doesnt get wilburs mental illness and takes it both a#a burden/blame AND a direct rejection of her and her friendship#and they hover just outside of each others spaces anxious and angry and almost self flagellating. GOOD FOR THEM !#anyway Yes this did unlock something within me. thanks anon feel free to add on if u had more thoughts esp re: tbosas and such bc i had suc#a good time watching that movie
8 notes · View notes
toastsnaffler · 2 months
Text
was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
3 notes · View notes
chiistarri · 2 months
Text
chat how do u make someone txt u back...
5 notes · View notes
svtskneecaps · 1 year
Text
the only thing stopping me from writing a fucking charlie slimecicle + elmariana + juanaflippa family centric time loop fic is the fact that i missed every single flippa stream live (finally plunged into qsmp a few days after tallulah appeared) and i don't have the time to watch back through the vods because HOLY SHIT CAN WE GET 30 FUCKING SECONDS WITHOUT SOMETHING HAPPENING ON THIS SERVER WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK
#qsmp#the venn diagram of ​my awake time and bad's livestream time is a fucking circle#and i also WORK. I HAVE WORK. i can't watch vods for hours!!!#like i worked this afternoon. i got back home right as bobby's fate was sealed for the livestream. i had to watch an hour of vod to catch up#and WHILE I DID THAT#MORE LORE HAPPENED#LIKE THINGS HAPPENED WITH QUACKITY. TAZERCRAFT SCOOBY DOO'D ONTO A DRAGON SKELETON.#PEOPLE GRIEVED. JAIDEN ENDED STREAM ABRUPTLY. APPARENTLY SOMETHING HAPPENED WITH SOFIA.#I STILL HAVEN'T CAUGHT MAX'S POV FROM TUESDAY BC I WORKED THEN TOO GODDAMNIT#LIKE. APPARENTLY BAD KNOWS ABOUT SOFIA? DUNNO WHEN OR HOW. I MISSED THAT ONE. I WAS EITHER AT WORK OR CATCHING UP ON VODS#i. am. screaming.#like i understand why people watch live#it was soooo much easier to keep up when i just kept three distinct povs open and could hop between them like tv channels#oh forever just went down and richas is with him? no worries i have his stream open rn lemme just unmute#hmm cellbit is getting pretty animated let's see what he discovered i'll just unmute rl quick#quackity's saying some sus shit in chat lemme pop his stream open#instead of 'ok i want to see what foolish was doing at chume labs after bad stole his banana so lemme find the time stamp in foolish's-#HUGE FUCKING GIANT LONG VOD and watch thru that but oh. perhaps i want to see what mike was saying after foolish yeeted him.' actually uh#i don't think mike's pov was up that day (unless it was just on yt idk i'm not familiar w how tazercraft's stuff works yet)#BUT YKNOW. I'D HAVE TO VOD SCAN. ITS ANNOYING. so yea its way easier to follow#long tags#block game brainrot#shut up vic
28 notes · View notes
prettyboykatsuki · 2 years
Text
ive never written a character like gojo with this much depth and good god it is hard to get into his head
24 notes · View notes
leijonzzz · 5 months
Text
I LOVE SUIKODEN SOOOO FUCKING MUCH
#im in gregminster at the end of the game rn and i love love loooovee being able to hear the upbeat town music just barely#beneath the melancholic wind sounds#suikoden ost you are everything to me no ost will ever top you#also i got all 108 stars babey B)#unfortunately got leon after doing the final army battle so i didnt get gremio revived which is APPARENTLY A THING THAT CAN HAPPEN???????#but i mean pahn died when he dueled my dad or whatever anyways so idk if id have been able to have gremio revived even if i had gotten leon#also the idea of him being revived kind of undersells the story tbh#maybe it works with how its executed idk i didnt get to see it happen lmao#also. i know i am RIGHTTT on top of the finale like i am so close to beating this game again but#i had to stop because of all the freaking guards jumping me every 2 seconds good lord#fight four guards take a step fight four more guards take another step fight five guards etcetc#ALSO#I ENDED UP GOING THRU THE NECLORD CASTLE LIKE. FOUR OR FIVE TIMES FOR REASONS#AND WHYYYYY COULDNT I USE AN ESCAPE TALISMAN THERE????#i beat the neclord months ago t-t#i dont mind the random encounters and stuff as a concept but when ur at the end game just tryna finish up some odds and ends.#they are so. frustrating#i think the frequency of them is the problem#esp since suikoden isnt a grindy game like it is so easy to level up characters super fast#which i love love loveeeee i love that ur actaully kind of able to play around with using a variety of ur. 100+ characters#but then its like. why so many random fights theyre just wasting my time#hoping suikoden 2 is a lil better in that regard but we shall see#reeeaally really hyped for suikoden 2!!#spoilers for a 30 yo old game lmao
3 notes · View notes
coridallasmultipass · 5 months
Text
Tumblr media
Felt cute, might deteriorate later. [He/Him]
3 notes · View notes
doomednarrative · 6 months
Text
The thing is that Light Yagami is actually one of my favorite characters of all time, I just don't say it a lot cause I don't want people getting the wrong idea that I agree with him or think he's in the right. He's not, and he sucks, but he does have a depth in the same vein as L that fascinates me, and tbh if I hadn't watched DN for the first time when I was 12 maybe I'd feel different but like. He definitely influenced my taste in characters iirevocably going forward.
4 notes · View notes
lordiavolo · 2 years
Text
to be like frank here, redemption is an ever going cycle. when youve been the problem, the toxic ex, the abuser, you have to know you will have to apologize for that for the rest of your life. you will always have to live with the guilt and conscience of knowing how you hurt that person, or mutliple people. and you have to constantly CHOOSE to not repeat that behavior, and its not easy.
when you meet a new friend the topic of who you used to be will come up eventually, and if you have changed youll be honest with who you were. you cant run from it. you cant try to round the corners and make it seem like the other persons fault, or like it wasnt as bad as it was. its really really scary. because everytime you open up about it, its not just the wound of guilt but its also the fear that theyre going to look inside and not like what theyll see.
but you have to keep moving on and you have to keep being honest. and you have to remember that everyone is applicaple for redemption, you just have to work for it and admitting you were wrong with no buts is the first step.
#anyways cna u tell im kinda going thru it LOL#ive always been a toxic person thats why ive sort of secluded myself from society i avoid human contact w non household members as much as#possible bcuz i feel honestly like im a ticking time bomb that just hurts everything i touch#i dont think its fair to have to have someone deal w my shit when its such an emotional turmoil so even though i want friends im making my#peace w the fact that i like honestl dont really deserve rhem? ik this seems MOPEY but its like this is my geniune non like baiting thoughts#i was an abuser in high school and in an abusive relationship where for the first half i was the perpetrator. i hit my ex and u know i dont#even have anything to add to it other than it was fucked up. i was selfish in bed and sex addicted and sometimes did anything for my fix.#i will and cannot lie about my past as being a shitty person. its scary to say and post but i have to be honest thats who i was that IS a#part of my history as much as i wish i could i cannot erase.#i dont rly even know what to add here honestly. just watching mias vid got me thinking u know#there is more to this story ofc the same ex i was abusive to was also abusive to me it was just split into segments. like i was the problem#for the first year and a half then it switched to them but its not rly rhe best place 2 share that story when im talking about my mistakes#im not trying to detract here i just want 2 get this shit off my chest again. ive talked about it before but not since remaking a few times#anyways i dont have any excuses well i mean i can pull a bunch out but im not going to cuz at the end of the day i shouldve known better#than to be a bitch when i knew i was being a bitch u know?#being the bad guy is a constant struggle where u will have to really really fucking fight yourself tooth and nail to change and i want to be#that person. i want to be someone who can be 100% honest about how shit i was to myself and others (which i do already do to my friends)#hopefully this makes sense idk anyways if ur struggling with being abusive or toxic im here for u. u can get through this and you can be a#good person it is within ur hands i promise u#ok love u goodnight#personal
21 notes · View notes
curiosityjams · 10 months
Text
*
2 notes · View notes
izzy-b-hands · 7 months
Text
Trying to make my brain do anything today has just been case after case of 'well, half-assed is better than nothing I guess.'
#text post#idk why i have such bad post-survey mental dips every time but I always do#literally last night before end of my shift was like okay brain. it's ok that we aren't working after this. this is fine.#there's another survey in two weeks (for ONCE they told us in advance) and in the in between other things I can do to keep making some mone#and I felt really confident abt that at that point! wish that confidence hadn't been so misplaced bc I did in fact spiral#was actually exhausted enough to just eat shower and sleep after work but the shower was just a big spiral w/crying and scrubbing lmao#whatever. did a mini vid in the new outfit i have for the side job and will do dishes tonight#plus I'll get my shot done bc that's a day late now too#prolific and cloud i got a bit done too and i'll keep checking those thru the night#i actually wanna play gta for a bit & try it with the controller but i feel guilty every time i so much as look at steam so. we'll see#i just need to do something else useful today bc tomorrow will be a full filming day most likely so. gotta make today useful too#I know it must sound like im not really trying to work with my brain on this but i shit u not#this is my brain when im actively employing coping skills and other things to try and counteract the 'work or die' mindset#i dont know how to make it any better and at this point I don't think I can#this was baked into me as a kid lmao bc even playing needed to have a point/story/some goal to achieve#or why the fuck was i playing with my barbies or metal toy cars or dinosaur and horse figurines to begin with#im rambling to put off doing the dishes ignore me lmao
1 note · View note
piplupod · 1 year
Text
i hate that there isnt any way to work thru these feelings and i hate that theres no way for me to escape them properly and i am just supposed to survive all of this and sit with this terror and dread 24/7 and be fine !!!
2 notes · View notes