#idk i hate when i hated something and idk how to explain why but
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I've been thinking in a Cumplane friendship idea.--
You see, everyone seems to believe SQQ and SQH can't stand each other. Quite the opposite, really. When it's only the two of them they don't feel the need to keep up the pretence. It's so easy to relax, to put the mask aside.
They aren't peak lords nor cultivators. They're just two dudes in their mid tweenties trying to survive in this forsaken world.
SY knows he might not be the kindest nor the most loving of friends, (he spent so many years alone in a cold, hospital room, he's not good at socializing) but he does care for Airplane. A lot. He will never say it out loud because it's embarrasing but that stupid author is his best friend.
So, that's why when the news of Qinghua's disappearance finally reach him (two weeks, it took two full weeks before someone decided to tell him--- )they absolutely destroys him.
He seems calm at fisrt. Not truly procesing the news. LBG makes a few comments about something Mobei told him (you fucking knew and didn't tell me, how dare you, husband?! )
Gone, SQH? No, that's dumb. He couldn't be gone. He's a peak lord, he has responsabilities, a bunch of little ones to teach. He even takes care of the north. And most importantly why would he leave Mobei? It makes no sense, not fucking sense.
SQH wouldn't leave like that. He... he wouldn't leave SY behind.
He can feel sob building up in his throat. That... stupid, idiot--HACK AUTHOR!
His crying fit is so strong and sudden that sends LBG and his whole demon staff into a panic.
"Shizun?!" He says looking for visible injuries-
"Don't touch me!" He screams and LBG looks at him with hurt.
"Husband? Have... have this disciple done something wrong?"
SQQ just turns and walks to his chambers ordering LBG not to follow him. His husband is left feeling distressed and cries for very different reasons.
Later that night they talk. SQQ feeling tired and sad finally calls for his husband to comfort him. He explains to him why he is angry at him and LBG apologizes.
"This one thought you hated Shang-shibo and that Shizun wouldn't care about his dissapereance." He says in a small, careful voice. "Mobei jun came to the palace days ago to beg for help in his search... "
"You turned him away... " SY says, sounding very tired.
"Yes. But this husband will make it right, Shizun. I will find your friend for you, promise."
SY sighs and hugs his husband, hiding his face in his chest.
..
Idk 'm all over the place but the idea is that the system is glitching and took SQH and is kind of keeping him hostage? Like, in between worlds. Not the mordern universe, not PIDW.
I imagine LBG having a very hard time accepting his shizun worries and loves others and not just him (??? why??? I'm more than enough you need NO ONE else shizun). He's too possesive and would like very much just to lock his shizun away, but that would break him and he never wants to see him cry like that ever again. Even if that means he has to share his attention.
MBJ is very broken in this one fiding himself lost without SQH. they had just finally stablished their relationship so he's between angry and scared. Also his trust and loyalty to LBG has taken a blown since he refused to help him find his lover. Didn't he help LBG when everyone turned his back on him as he clinged to his dead shizun's body?
While they work together (before they can even figure out where sqh is) LBG slowly realizes he might have fucked up a bit and ??? misses Mobei ??? are they friends???!!
SY tries his fucking best to keep it together. Really, he loves Binghe but that man can be so dense.
They find where SQH is being kept. The place is like a limbo. Cold, and vast where no time passes. In order to get him back LBG, MBJ and SQQ work together to reforge Xin Mo and travel there. There's a cool fighting montage, tears, hugs and everyone is happy at the end
Yeah that's all i got so far. I'll be going back to work now--
#mobei jun#shang qinghua#svsss#svsss mobei jun#svsss shang qinghua#svsss luo binghe#mxtx svsss#shen yuan#svsss shen qingqiu#svsss shen yuan#bingqiu#moshang#missing qinghua au#king writes#cumplane friendship
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BAND AUS AND MUSIC MY BREAD AND BUTTER. HERE ARE SOME IDEAS:
- tomura is defo a lead singer
- toga, at first, is skilled in being a keyboardist/pianist... but she enjoys singing A LOT more
^ regular singing BUT ALSO... hear me out... scream singing too bc her in s7... 😁😁😁
- not really emo, but i feel like they have an a lot like birds esc style in their singing styles. tomura fits kurt and toga fits cory lockwood (ex: orange time machines care by allb)
-since toga wouldn't be their keyboardist though, perhaps... compress on keyboard.
^ he gives the silliest ideas for songs that just WORK. think a random slow jazz part in a song. he has to write that part tho, but toga, twice, and magne are all super into it.
^ (ex: "doing the same things and expecting different results" by hail the sun @ 1:56)
^ dabi, tomura are against it at first, and spinner is a little unsure abt it. but when the song is finished, they like it. begrudgingly for dabi
- dabi... he gives me bassist vibes. idk why, but he also does backing vocals occasionally. i think he'd specifically sound like the part in again by sufferer (2:35)
^ also totally gives me vibes that he knows how to play violin or something, only because endeavor pressured him into playing in orchestra in school
^ definitely joined the band and learned how to play bass JUST to piss him off, ended up liking it a lot
-spinner on lead guitarist and magne is an additional guitarist (most bands usually have 2 reg guitarists and 1 bassist)
- TWICE ON DRUMS. drumming takes strength and stamina, which i feel like he has and also just Gives Off drummer vibes to me
^ throws his drumsticks to the crowd for ppl to have LOL, gives broken cymbals to em too
additional ideas + other villains:
- tomura is passionate about music, and his dad knows afo who owns a record label 🤢 they sign to his label it SUCKS.
- they meet giran and kurogiri there. kurogiri is their manager, giran is their producer and helps scout out band members for tomura's band
^ they teach tomura how to book shows, so they don't have to spend the extra money to order to hire a booking manager
- muscular was their drummer for a short time (afo assigned him the role), but his attitude and behavior towards the band caused him to be kicked out
^ because of this, twice is apart of their touring crew and helps them set up on stage since muscular is the drummer. but occasionally he takes over if they need him to
^ kurogiri had to go to afo and explain that muscular not being kicked out would hurt the band, AND his business. thats why he agreed to muscular being kicked out
other villains + their bands:
- stain is also in a band... he's a singer that can drum too. he drums and sings. but i think his style is definitely more like zeta's (venezuelan rock band). idk who his bandmates would be tho sorgy
^ inspires toga/dabi/spinner/whoever else to actually pursue music.
- both bands tour together, with the lov as openers for stain's band! stain and tomura don't get along, but fans love when they tour together.
^ they would both hate overhaul's band though if he had one, thats the only time they bond 😭
- the shie hassaikai hypothetical band is that they have aesthetic perfection or iamx vibes...
- overhaul is their lead singer, chrono is on keyboard/synth and setsuno is a guitarist, hojo is a bassist, and rappa is their drummer
- tengai is their manager briefly, but i think it'd be funny is they signed under afo's label and forces them to have lady nagant as their manager 😭 so tengai becomes their booking agent
^ she gets along with them though. somewhat.
- if we wanna get even MORE specific abt villain bands... the meta liberation army's having thank you scientist vibes. they have a jazz/prog-rock style
- the only ideas i got for them though is curious on violin, skeptic and geten on electric guitar, trumpet on... trumpet LOL. redestro as bassist and singer, tokoname (slidin go) on drums, and sanctum on sax
^ i had to research the mla and the band to see what instruments they played and would fit 😭😭😭
anyways thats all i got, sorry this got long. i go nutso boingo for music/bands 😁
The League of Villains should've just been a band. They would've made such banger emo music.
#my hero academia#mha#the league of villains#hero killer stain#stain#tomura shigaraki#himiko toga#dabi#touya todoroki#jin bubaigawara#twice#magne#mha magne#spinner#shuichi iguchi#tbh im only tagging the ones i care abt#also lowkey highkey an excuse to promote some of my fave bands#ZETA + ALLB + HTS ESPECIALLY <333#giran#kurogiri#overhaul#also lowkey pissed off i made the mla band awesome because theyre like. my least favorite group of villains#skeptic and geten are ok tho#reblogs#i have GOT to shut up sorry 😭😭😭
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i really feel like ken liu was just like oh so really bad things happen to women, especially marginalised women and sex workers, under imperialism and colonialism. so i should just like show horrible things happening to women all the time and women being pushed into sex work because of imperialism. aaaand my work here is done #realism #gender
#i literally cant put my finger on it all but its just. sooo...#he has like a whole story abt SWs being murdered by a john#and the framing was just soooo off to me#like we also barely see the girls as human we just see them through the eyes of the guy murdering them#and the stoic traumatised cop woman also doesnt really humanise them#idk i hate when i hated something and idk how to explain why but#everyone ive talked to who read it was like.erm#and apparently he does it in his longform fiction as well#which i feel like has the potential to be even worse bc he can expand characters way more so if he STILL doesnt for women..#the top review of the paper menagerie collection is a white guy being like oh and the titular story is about like memory bla bla#and doesnt mention gender at ALL like i loved that story but again the framing of the mother was kind of callous and weird#even though to me she was really or shouldve been the main character rather than her son#but its like i guess you could be making a POINT about us only seeing her through her son etc etc whcih is why i liked it but then people a#clearly not interpreting it that way
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I keep seeing fanarts of ppl's OC's being on the ship, so do you think that if there was 6st crewmember (specifically, another woman) Anya would've been more safe? Like, someone to actually call Jimmy's begaviour out, someone Anya might wanna trust? Is there a possibility something might have changed (even if a little) or it would not have mattered at all?
-💀
I feel like the game would make it part of the commentary on where she would believe and help Anya but still be sort of dismissive? Like the whole “don’t waste time crying and being scared keep going and move on, don’t let him win”. It’s supposed to be positive and reinforcing but sometimes it does more damage in those times of mourning and grief, it feels patronizing, like you don’t understand what you’re going through but they do. Even if they did call out his behavior it’s still on Curly to act and while another voice would help, it’s still 4 against 2 on guys that don’t get it until they have to vs women who always have to.
I don’t mind mouthwashing OCs but I do get a bit bored as they tend to be borderline saviors or like Jimmy aligned. They are either more complicit than Curly or just Jimmy haters for no reason, outside of what the creators know about what he did to Anya. I am never irked by OCs but in a story like mouthwashing you really need to think about what your character adds to the commentary, especially if they are there during the crash. It’s nice to have like characters on Anya’s side more whole heartedly and interesting to see characters who placate Jimmy but sometimes it’s one note.
I can’t and don’t want to police peoples OCs it’s never my intention when I comment on trends I notice, but I do feel like the way people make their OCs interact with these two characters and especially Curly, really show a grave misunderstanding of the narrative and these characters as people vs roles in the story. Still, I know people just make up characters for fun and that’s fine. Great even, but I guys I’m focusing more on OCs that are supposed to have those serious dynamics. My favs tend to be pretty-Tulpar or post-Tulpar au OCs.
The inevitably of the crash is on Jimmy. He did that not because he wasn’t stopped but because all his means to kill Anya were taken. The gun, the axe. Even if Curly did strip him of his co-pilot privileges and try to keep him contained there’s only so many people. An extra body helps but they have jobs they have to do, he’s the only one steering the whole ship and Jimmy would likely have an out: food, bathroom, etc. He’s not new and if he couldn’t crash the ship directly, who’s to say he wouldn’t sabotage something else? A clunker like the Tulpar wouldn’t take much. An extra person helps but it’s just another thing that prolongs what a person like Jimmy is willing to do to shirk responsibility.
It’s more than just needing someone to stand up to him and think that’s what is missing when it comes to inserting a character into the mouthwashing setting.
#like again most people treat Jimmy like a misanthrope and he’s not and the way he’s just evil/rude to everyone all the time just isn’t real#like he’s snarky and rude but it can’t be 100% of the time like hes not going out his way to instigate#he’s the type to say shit and hope it stirs the pot like Daisuke likes him at first#thinks he’s a bit of a jerk but he likes him like unless you specifically make a character he’s dislike he’s not just gonna be#readily antagonistic to strangers or at the get go#not to mention it’s not just about Anya needing a friend but someone with the power to do something#a point in why she confides in Curly is he’s the captain she’s not just gonna tell the only other woman just because it’s still personal#not every girl tells their friend or another woman especially if they are new and they don’t know how they react not all girls are#girls girls some can be just as toxic as the men they are being confided in about#the nuance of the situation is not solved by having more people who actively hate jimmmy if anything it would make him escalate further as#clearly has issues with how people perceive him and being liked like another woman who hates him that’s gonna do something crazy in his mind#I think it’s interesting when OCs explore another side of the pre established dynamics as Jimmy uses each remaining crew member to fill a#something Curly provided for him and represent his dynamic with Anya and being an abuser I just feel like a lot is being missed out on#and it’s mainly cause people don’t want to make OCs that aren’t great people like it’s okay to have a grey mediocre OCs in situations like#this its realistic and helps you write more grounded characters like idk i like the ocs but eh im not like a super fan#I really should make an analysis on Jimmy cause people hate discussing him and his character is being really misunderstood#like not saying she’s innocent or an excuse but just not getting how he is supposed to work like he’s no dick fucking dasteredly#he’s a shitty guy who gets shittier like he ain’t start out an avengers level threat#mouthwashing#💀 anon#mouthwashing game#ask#anya mouthwashing#curly mouthwashing#jimmy mouthwashing#mouthwashing oc#now I gotta make an oc just to prove myself but I can’t draw#so maybe not cuz what’s the point if I can’t explain the fly drip
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NPD SOUL PROPAGANDA IS SUCCESSFULY WORKING ✅✅✅
As a person with npd I always just need to have one (head)canon npd character in any fandom or else I can't really enjoy it. BUT SOUL IS REALLY SO NPD CORE DHJDJSJSDJFJJFJG I JUST CAN'T SAY HOW MUCH I RELATE TO MANY OF MY NPD HEADCANONS OF HIM.
I think that he has like a lot of narcissistic crashes (I don't even know who wouldn't have them if they were stuck with two ABSOLUTELY INSUFFERABLE GUYS). Heart and Mind always arguing, they rarely listen to Soul and that's why all of he's ideals (which are VERY important for any person with npd) just left unheard and ignored. Nobody will show just a little bit of respect to him. Honestly I don't even know when this guy will finally have narcissistic highs (looks like never)... And persons with npd still really often have a lot of bpd traits sooo I guess he even might have both of this disorders...
NPD MIND IS ALSO SO REAL. Honestly I must say that he's probably the most narcissistic one of all three (I don't count Whole, at least for now)... Think about emotions like weakness is really common for npd too (at least I often have episodes with these thoughts and I heard about similar experience from some other people with npd. And also thoughts about that just really sounds like something like npd). But tbh I don't relate to Mind as much as I relate to Soul... Idk why because usually I relate to characters with only npd / characters with npd + aspd (I don't have aspd but I think I have a lot of its traits).
HMMM, ASPD HEART. I didn't think about this idea really much but this sounds like a theme for a big analysis. STRONG AND UNCONVENTIONAL MORAL CODE MY FAVORITEEE PART OF ASPD CHARACTERS. And it just explains like really many things in Heart's behavior so right. I also thought about hpd Heart but I think I was in a little but wrong condition and didn't really analyse him right. Aspd + hpd combo won't sound really wrong for him (honestly I can't remember any headcanon on any character with this disorders combo. Maybe it's me way too forgetful or idk). We actually need more hpd headcanons, people ignore this pd sm.
And if we talk about not only personally disorders but disorders in general... I REALLY THINK THAT SOMEONE OF THEM MIGHT HAVE OCD. And idk it just fits them all right.
Heart looks like really anxious person with more obsessions than compulsions for me. Also if we think about him as a person with aspd i guess obsessions will be often somehow connected to his strong moral code beliefs. If we talk about compulsions... Again, I think he has more obsessions than compulsions, but when he actually have the second things it'll take really long time to complete all this rituals.
If we talk about ocd Mind... I think he'll be really irritated because of obsessions. Not only because they're really messing person's life (I hate my own obsessions so much fr) but because persons with ocd can often say about how their obsessions are irrational (I often think like that too and sometimes people use this to demonize ocd and it's ABSOLUTELY AWFUL URGHHH). Just think about super "rational" guy having disorder with "irrational" symptoms. I think it'll also fit npd headcanon of him, I think sometimes he might even have narc.crashes because of his obsessions.
And we talk about ocd Soul... Again, I just associate him with myself so much and that's why I have an ocd headcanon of him too! I just think he would have a lot of obsessions about his ideals and how they're always ignored. And his compulsions will look really strange to many people (remember never say to person with ocd that their obsessions are strange, NEVER).
I hate this stigma so much. Many people just can't understand that person with disorder don't always do bad thing and that people without disorders can do bad things too! This is so annoying and frustrating sometimes ughhh.
bpd soul propaganda
his relationships with heart and mind are extremely tumultuous. he alternates between encouraging support and harsh criticism. he wants them to be close and loves them, but he's easily frustrated by their conflict and despises them for it.
he seeks a stability that seems impossible for him to achieve. when he doesn't feel like he can be stable, he threatens suicide because it feels like his only option. suicidal and self-destructive behavior is really common in bpd, especially in response to interpersonal distress and instability.
he has very little sense of self. identity isn't something he feels like he has the right to have (since personal separation is contradictory to trying to be Whole), but also, it seems like something he just can't get a grip on even if he tried.
I think that he has extreme attachment issues in concord. he's terrified that things will go wrong again, worried one of them will get hurt or disappear whenever he's not keeping an eye on them. he wants to know exactly where they are and be told when they're leaving because otherwise he'll panic about their absence.
on that note, his fears of hurting them or ruining things when things seem stable are something a lot of people with bpd struggle with. there's this underlying fear that the things "inherently wrong with you" will ruin everything you touch, either because of personal experience or internalized demonization.
if you headcanon Whole as a distinct person, that would be his favorite person. the extreme, almost religious idealization and having your entire sense of self revolving around a person (or really, the perception of perfection you have of a person) is a clear sign of having a favorite person. the abandonment issues would also be the worst with Whole, for obvious reasons
also i think it would be neat if this was a more widespread concept
#npd#aspd#bpd#hpd#cluster b#ocd#cccc#cccc soul#cccc mind#cccc heart#cccc headcanon#WE'RE AGAINST STIGMATIZATION!!!#okay i wrote more than i planned#FINALLY I CAN TALK MORE ABOUT PSYCHIATRY RELATED THINGS HEHE
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hey aros/aces of tumblr has anyone else figured out to express the sentiment "I hate it when people complain about being single to me" to allos without them launching into the perfectly valid ways in which they are unhappy with their singleness or conflating "complain about being single" with "talking about dating or being attracted to anyone."
#tempted to just make it i hate it when people complain about being single to me because if you're not happy single#you won't be happy in a relationship. bc that's more acceptable than being like. yah its bc im aromantic#like i get it i get it it's a big thing! its a valid complaint! making it to me is the equivalent of talking about how much you hate kids#to someone who has kids. im glad i tested expressing this opinion to my good friends first before letting it Breach Containment#maybe like i hate it when ppl try and commiserate with me about being single. although that does exclude just the person who complains abou#being single and then when you offer possible solutions they reject all of them and like. alright fuck me do you really want a partner or n#although i might be having an autism moment there and that one is also. commiserating. which explains why im ok w my more autistic friends#complaining bc they mean what they say. bc like if i can't relate to ur emotions. at least let me fix problem#aro#ace#aroace#idk like i'm fine with hearing about my friends dating lives crushes funny moments etc. love that! love that for them#want 2 be up to date on the lore. but when it starts being 'you know how being single is the worst thing in the world' like nope! not me!#please you are making me so uncomfortable do you know how long it took me to accept that i don't want what you want?#do you know how much it hurts that you think i want something that i would never be happy in?
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wait off topic if I change Cinder's semblance for my rwby canon-adjacent au.... would this be controversial editing to warn people that the tags are novel length but that i love them and also @graythegreyt pls read them when u have a chance
#wick lore#i have asked myself this question with almost every character but for cinder i was thinking abt her dustweave (?) clothing#dustweave. dust infused. something like that#her v1 outfit that has the design on the sleeves that lights up when she sends out fire. that's her using fire dust that's in the cloth#but as far as i know this is a detail that literally never comes up again like we never see anyone else with clothing like this#so i asked myself. what if that was her semblance instead. that she had the ability to sew dust into cloth#how hard would it be for the girl modelled after cinderella to know that her semblance required her to do domestic labor to be used#thus explaining why it doesn't show up in later volumes because once she gets the maiden powers she thinks she doesn't need it#idk i think making her semblance be 'she can heat stuff up' and thus making her semblance indistinguishable from maiden powers#for the entirety of the series. is a bit of a waste. bc semblances say a lot about characters right#i know there's a point to be made about like. it manifested as that at that time because cinder has always been angry etc etc#but wouldn't it hurt from a different narrative angle. to have her semblance be dustweaving. when she doesn't have any money#no money to buy dust with but a semblance that makes her a skilled and incredibly rare craftsperson but can she bear to sell her skills#when they've been used against her for so long? when all she's known is hard work and grit and sweat? when it's probably dangerous?#anyway i think im about to hit the limit for tags but. lmfao. the possibilities!!! also the association between handsewing and the HOME!#something she's always wanted but never had. a safe place to sit by a fire that she doesn't have to tend and do her work...#also like the possible tension with mercury bc she's wishing her semblance was more offensive + merc's like BE GRATEFUL YOU HAVE ONE???#i headcanon that mercury has a semblance though. that he has silver eyes and his dad took those from him by making him hate the world#...anyway#goodnight
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sorry if i keep tagging #delicious food , i just love art and i will most likely keep tagging it as such
#krabby rambles#I had to read this book for AP Lit class and one of the sections#was something about eating together ‘Nice to Eat with You’#acts of Communion#how eating is something of a personal thing#and when we choose to share a meal we tend to do it with those we are comfortable with#which is why it can also be seen as rather intimate/sensual#but but but#not to go over there and in that text of things#so anyways to get back on track#iirc there was a story of how a man shared a meal with a blind man#and get this he had some sort of hate against people with disabilities?? but he shared a meal#and this simple act just made the man connect with the blind man#made him realize that they have so much in common by such a simple act#wait I forgot where I was going with this LMAO#wait nvm#so I’m not sure how others feel#but whenever an artist shares their work ; its like some sort of food conjured#and they post it for others to enjoy#sharing it to the community#and idk I just feel the need to say my thanks before digging in and eating it#TLDR; krab sucks at explaining nd doesnt know how to word anything therefore krab says ‘delicious food’ or thanks for the meal#does this make any sense? idk guess this is why its just krabby rambles buahaha#oh to add on to the artist stuff and why the man and blind man sharing a meal was mentioned#its just how I feel we can connect with others except via art#there could be people different from eachother but we find ways to connect and share#sorry for rambling
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Hanging out with the bestie is scream laughing about funny/cringy shit we did when we were in middle school, then immediately after talking about why we feel unlovable lmao
#not snz#the duality of man fr lmaooooo#my stomach literally hurts from laughing so much#and then we goddamn were like 'anyway there's something wrong with me on the romance department'#amazing ahdkakslal#no bc I'm fucking weird like#whenever i like someone it's just kinda for fun#like it's not serious and i don't want it to go anywhere i just like having a little crush i guess#idk how to explain it but it seems nice in my head i just don't wanna fr date them?? but it's nice to imagine???#but the second i find out they like me it's over and done and i don't like them anymore#like no absolutely not it can't be real#i literally have no idea why I'm like this#it's fr just a celebrity crush but with my friends#i don't get it#like yeah i absolutely should like them in theory and want to date them#like i know anyone else in my position would be so happy their crush liked them back#but for me i hate it like it ruins the whole thing bc i don't actuslly wanna date them?????#genuinely no clue what's wrong with me that makes me panic and frantically try to press the backspace button when my crush likes me back#but that's why i don't have a partner LMAO#idk maybe my person feels safe bc it's technically not a real relationship and therefore it's safe#whatever I'm too tired to deal with this but just know there's something so fucking wrong with me#also i know i was literally just talking about this like a day ago but I'm still think about it#like fr what is wrong with me someone tell me what flavor of fucked up i am that I'm like this lmao
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I don’t think the weird anxiety/panic will ever leave my tumblr experience🧍♀️
#idk like I feel like I’m in the worst place imaginable rn#dora daily#there are no words to appropriately explain how unimportant I feel on this site 🧎♀️not because of anything but like#bad things keep getting worse and I just don’t get it. im just so in shock like I don’t think I have it in me to be shocked anymore#this is my life forever#🧎♀️#actually im a liar when i said not because of anything#I mean it’s because of some things#specific things#that make me spiral#then those things make me think about existing things and I have no idea if im being reasonable or not but#it makes me doubt the legitimacy of literally everything else#I’ve had this level of anxiety for academics because it’s the only thing that truly ever mattered to me but not my social life becoming a#source of panic too 🧎♀️#I say this soooo much and im sick of saying it but idk why im always ignored or it feels that way most of the time#bla bla bla#I make so many mistakes when I feel that way like what if something else happens and we turn that 3 into a 4#🥳🥳🥳#whenever I leave the house then I come home I have the most existential dread because I hate it here#I hate being on dumblr but as mitski said it best “you have so much to do and I have nothing ahead of me”#I’d just watch paint dry atp
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sorry, halsey — hopeless fountain kingdom.
#ALL POWER DEMANDS PAIN AND SACRIFICE: musings.#NO SLEEP OF THE INNOCENT. NOT FOR YOU: character study.#it kind of surprises me just how much content there is out there about being afraid of intimacy but then again-#i have heard that that is supposedly one of the most common fears that people have apparently. so yeahhh but of course i do mean emotional-#intimacy here and oh my goshhh. i never realized just how sad parts of this song were until i listened to it again.#'i run away when thing's are good and never really understood the way you laid your eyes on me in ways that no one ever could#i hate to say it BUT that is so misao. she really does feel sooo unlovable sometimes and she has this 'leave them before they leave you'-#mentality that is so saddening to have TBH but i understand why she has it. her childhood kind of left her broken in a way i think-#in ways that can't be easily explained as it was very nuanced and complicated. but GAHHH that doesn't stop me from wanting misao-#to find at least some kind of love from people 😭 like she needs at least one friend or something that she can depend on bc i feel like-#that would really help her and being in a house alone all the time whenever she's not at work can not be good for her psyche.#so petition to get misao a friend or two? JSJSJ nahhh but i am legitimately being serious at this point#she needs someone who'll stick with her through thick and thin and will be understanding of the fact that she's got unresolved trauma so-#that partially causes her to be hyperindependent but i firmly believe that she needs people just as much as anyone else.#maybe more in fact but IDK#and the fact that in this song halsey says that she still knows facts about them even though she hasn't talked to them-#in forever? i'm WEEPING AHHH#that is so like misao as well sadly. she would literally take little notes as to what thing's people like to reference later if she had a-#friend because she 'doesn't want to get it wrong' whenever she gets them a present she says but it's really so that she doesn't forget-#how precious this person is to her and how she wrote down all of their favorite things as a result.
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Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(
#mine#oh boy here we go. guy last post was about has been pretty cool and i got flustered around him a few times#but i feel bad bc. i need m o r e he isnt insane enough he isnt making me go absolutely crazy i want to be satisfied but im NOT im sorry#like its quite honestly the most attention acceptance etc ive gotten but its not ENOUGH he doesnt die whenever i send a selfie#im never satisfied WHY i have unrealistic expectations !!!! i hate my brain killing and violence and death etc#i get crushes on guys who want nothing to do with me but then when one actually wants me its not enough? what is wrong with me#thrill of the chase? i cant accept being loved? what is it brain. christ almighty. im not doing anything like deliberately yandere related#anymore im just being generally incomprehensibly mentally ill 🙄 still trying to find a therapist but idk how on earth ill explain that#ill update this post tomorrow with more insanity but for now i am the sleepy tired#// ok its now 3 days later i dont feel like making another post. i think i was just having a mental illness moment as always#because he does make me insane. hashtag girl. im trying to be the smartest and calculated i have ever been with a relationship in my life#like im thinkin about it so hard bro. the future n shit. how would this relationship go. im so scared ill do something wrong its preventing#me from doing things RIGHT. im sad becaude i flipped out today over even imagining him being upset with me a little#so i was really embarrassed and it put me in a weird mood for the rest of the night but he reassured me he doesnt hate me or want me to die#every one aaalways says theyre different. i can only hope this one is telling the truth. i dont know what ill do if he isnt.#well i need to stop whining about fictional scenarios and focus on the good stuff in reality. i get along with him very well and he#is very niceys to me :3 he doesnt think im fucking insane or stupid for overreacting. i feel very comfortable gossiping and talking w him#every long time blog viewer of mine reading this like ah shit here we go again#but thats what im here for. i guess. just have to keep doing this shit until something good finally happens to me romantically hngh#i feel so strange because i have wanted and yearned for a relationship but now that i actually could have one im like WAIT#I DIDNT THINK ID GET THIS FAR 💀💀💀 bruh. and he doesnt even think im stupid hes respectful to me he checks in on me all the time#like perhaps the only person to ever actually almost match my energy in a romantic sense. there was [redacted] i guess but he didnt love me#he listens to me talk about my problems he doesnt think i complain or overreact too much. all the ridiculous cringe shit i do#he doesnt mind it. its nice to be able to be myself. and im really proud of myself for not rushing into a relationship right away
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So I was googling old tv shows I used to watch, procrastinating on my homework, and guess what show popped into my head, after not seeing it for a very, very, very long time?
The haunting hour.
I only remember that show because it used to be on YTV, at like, 10-11 o'clock at night, and I would watch it. I was really obsessed with the show, even though I barely understood what was going on.
And the nightmares. I used to get really, really bad nightmares after I watched the show, and after like 3 months of me watching it, and getting nightmares of it, my mom enforced a screen-time limit, mainly for shows after 9:00.
And I remember that show so damn much, mainly because of the body horror stuff, and how freaked out I was over it.
Anyways, one of my most vivid memories of the show was this one about this kid who was obsessed with ancient egypt stuff gets frickin. sucked back into time to be essentially another person's body or something??
And I googled it I googled rl stine show ancient egypt and I finally found the name of it. I'm gonna watch that episode, and get me a bit of nostogia
#exisnt's rambles#also something funny imo is that out of curiosity I googled where tfp was being streamed because my thought-pipeline went from:#scary show that I didn't understand -> shows i didn't really understand -> shows I definietly did not remember or understand properly as a-#-kid -> hey look when the haunting hour was made that roughly around the time when tfp was made -> ytv took american shows and showed them-#-to canadian audiences -> hey WHAT THE HAUNTING HOUR USED TO BE ON THE HUB (where tfp used to be released)-#-hmmm i wonder if they ripped shows from the hub to show on ytv -> googles where was tfp streamed -> results include ytv.#Conclusion? I might have been the target demographic for tfp when it first aired (although a little too young - animated would fit better)#but i probably changed the channel because I wasn't interested in the show#just a nagging feeling but i bet they probably showed it after tmnt and spongebob when everything looks boring and then boom. tfp.#there is the possiblitity they might have not shown it during its original runtime at all ofc and we didn't have cable after 2014-2015 ish#i think it probably streamed when we got rid of cable and such and probably at like. 1 am or some other ungodly hour#this is very interesting to me and i cannot explain why.#also yeah now i just want to watch the show and compare some old memories of episodes to how they actually went bc i know i did not-#-remember things properly.#not gonna tag this as the haunting hour yet cause i haven't watched the show yet lol#too bad i can't find really old tumblr post on this idk but i feel like this show would have been milked for all its worth on tumblr#and aggressively hated for all its worth as well.
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As a kid I wanted to like be like the doctor like play them on tv but then I was likely they’ll never hire me I’m American and then I was like ok best I can get is companion but I need to like figure out how to break into acting I’m only gonna get older I’m running out of time. I need to get enough credits to ever be able to audition. Anyways long story short sometimes I’ll see the doctor or the companions and my brain just awaken that demon and is like ok we’ll time to drop out of law school change my life completely in need to hurry up and speed run if I’m not gonna run out of time.
#idk if I’m explaining it right bc I’m half wake but truly funny that’s ingrained in me just like I know how old I was at every grade bc in#elementary full I mapped it out bc I wanted to know how long I was trapped what year I would get out and how old I would be and that’s just#entranced in me no math no thinking#can’t think in any other way about it#but yeah something something autism something something my chronic depression anxiety#making me feel like very choose I made choosing to look at only the roads that are now closed and what could have been even if thetr easnt t#much of a chance for the other road or like why I decided what#anyways when I had idea for this post I meant to bring it up bc#I did acting right#but it was just small school stuff and trying out for like local theate companies and stuff#and like i didn’t go to far into it bc I had real really bad paranoia#like it’s better now#like it doesn’t mess with my life like it did or whatver BUT like I hated being on camera and people seeing me hearing me prociecing me.#like during the acting whatver but afterwards. like I’m better now I’m a private person don’t like to over share face on whatever online but#that’s also just internet safety right#anyways so I think it’s funny like yeqh person who hates to be prveeved and doesn’t want anyone to know there name or face go run quick and#become a television actor aim for a very ijnthe spotlight roll nothing bad can come from this ajdjdjd#feel like I lost the plot/whatver joke I originally had but I’m tired and have been doing property for like most of my waking hours the#past 2 days so if it’s not a hour like future interests in real estate my Brian’s scrambled
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Maybe I should just have a breakdown at work the next time NewLady acts up lmao
Just start screaming in anguish, sobbing, collapse perhaps
I mean it wouldn't solve anything but we'd have different problems so I mean
#or i could get up calmly after and go 'that's how you look when you keep acting petty#gsgdgdgdgdgd#one of these days im gonna be really pissed and say something like 'uh oh somebody call a waambulance! waaah waaah waaah' like from modern#family sgdgdggd its getting there#i keep posting ab this shit bc its really pushing me to my breaking point bc she's triggering my ptsd by starting fights with RC and it's#making my brain go in overdrive like ITS HAPPENING AGAIN!!! STOP IT! MEDIATE! MEDIATE! and im tired of it#thats why im so fucking anxious im sure of it. and i cant like say this to my managers without exposing my mental illness :/#like how else do you explain someone starting fights with your relative triggers a specific part of your brain and makes you wanna kill#yourself like ??? theres no way to put that without getting a special mark in my file so to speak or get me sent to the hospital :///#and i cant go up to her and be like can you fucking behave? you're making me wanna die. you make me wanna drive off a bridge. shut up.#idk what i would do if a coworker told me that SGGDGDGDGD depending on the coworker and how bad i hated them/was mad#i might be like 'okay. do it then i dont care' but i WOULD feel bad if they did so ... yeah 😬#ANYWAYS im gonna go try to sleep and not have a panic attack shdhdhdhd god help me#marquilla
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having a kinda shitty mom has. impossible nuance for people with normal mothers. apparently.
#its Always either 'i hate your mom i wanna kill her for you' or 'you cant just cut off your mom shes your Family'#its never 'oh wow that sucks it must be hard having to wrestle with one of the most important and formative relationships in your life being#so toxic'#like. when i explain i still dont know how to deal with this NO ONE has any nuanced ideas ever at all!!!!!#maybe i dont Want to have to cut off my mom. maybe its gonna be Really hard!!! maybe im still gonna have to anyway cause its worse to not#why do all my friends think it should be easy eueueueuueueueeueueue like what if i said Your mom did something unspeakable and now you can#never talk to her again. huh. would that be an Easy thing for you. hm.#ah#idk why this is pissing me off i still live with her its not like im in the middle of going no contacg but shes been triggering me more#lately and any time i mention it to my friends its just 'ill kill her for you <3' like. thanks but no thank you bestie. thats not. helpful.#anyway#vent post#she speaks?
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