#idk I’ve apart of a huge fandom but like this is something else and everything going down on ALL socials just is a lot

[ohits-starflower]

I’m very hopeful for the server… despite everything. And I want the server to do well….

But idk. With everything rn, I find it just making me want to start just deleting all my socials again and go back into hiding.

The QSMP brought me back and I was having a wonderful time during (despite everything going on behind the scenes of the server) and the people on here were so lovely. It made me feel happy in general.

Forgive me if you think it’s doom posting but this is just, it’s something I’ve started to feel for a while.

[appreciatingtokrev]

i suppose it is normal then and the duration must be a factor too regarding the sadness. have you seen the film called loving vincent then? it's an biography of his life and it's animated in paint to reflect his art style.

i think it's mainly ios users that play it on their phones? but again, still need load of memory. does your laptop heat up when you play for a long time? my phone did despite being an iphone. i know nothing about hi3rd, i really thought GI was their first game lol. as students, we all have those moments lol.

i hope you get your meds soon then because that will probably help a lot, which style of studying do you prefer? where i live only marine biology is rare and that's a huge con :( but the sea sick might change over time. medicine is 5 years here, how long will it be for you? i dk what forensic medicine entails lmao. i'm sure you will be able to figure it out then.

i know stray kids belong to JYP and that's about it and that's cool but her playlist is probably longer lol.

oh, they are silver, my bad there is too many characters in TR that wear earrings ;-; what do you think of silver as a colour? apart from fanfic/cosplay, have you ever tried making anime edits? i started making youtube anime shorts yesterday and i like it where i do upload them online.

the power of self belief is everything! good luck but i think the quality of the wig probably make a difference? so might need to research beforehand so you can pick a good base.

yes, six months left to the big reveal ^^ no worries and oversided hoodies are cool.

oh, loving vincent! i’ve heard of it, but haven’t watched it (yet?), no. it kinda sounds like something i’d enjoy though.

personally i only know three people who play genshin on their phone, but two of them are samsung users lol. my old laptop would heat up like crazy (i mean... it’s like 8 or 9 years old at this point) but with my current laptop i hardly have any issues regarding that. that said i’ve still got to play on low graphics settings because it just lags a ton otherwise, but i hardly mind that. (tho i haven’t been able to play genshin in weeks bc it keeps crashing for some reason :( i’m waiting it out & hoping an update of my laptop will fix it but who knows. i might get a ps5 for christmas though so i’ll at least be able to play it on there ig? and maybe sooner on a phone bc i definitely need a new one even sooner.)

ah, my meds. i’ve got a prescription now, but they’re out of sale until at the very least january :') i really like studying with classmates/friends bc i hardly have the motivation to study alone tbh but if there’s at least someone else i do. i’ve p much got a study bestie tho and for most subjects we study together :D

well where i live i’m pretty sure you can’t study marine biology since there is no ocean lmao. so i might just study biology & then move somewhere for the specifics? idk. but i’ve got lots of time to figure it out still lol yep, hopefully it’ll get better,, medicine is 5 years here too! forensic medicine is p much examining dead (human) bodies, either bc they died in the hospital/in an accident (so for science) or because they died an unnatural death (criminology). tho the forensic medicine field entails more than just forensic pathology (doing autopsies), e.g. you could be working at a lab doing dna testing.

ngl i hardly know anything abt the few kpop bands i listen to, i just enjoy their music lol. but yeah i’m sure she knows more.

no no i get it, there truly are a lot,, i like silver as a color, especially in jewlery! tbh i prefer it over gold in most contexts.

ohh edits,, no, i haven’t done anything apart from cosplay attempts, making merch, writing fic & doing art for fandom so far lol. i don’t use tiktok & hardly use youtube for fandom stuff though (i usually listen to asmr or hour long explanation vids on yt, not much more adhkgdfjf) but if i do come across edits somehow, i’m always excited :D imo they’re very fun, but i don’t have the right apps or space on my phone for them to make any.

very true! yep, i’ll definitely do some research to try and find a rather cheap but still rather good quality wig,, bc it very much does make a difference.

only four more months.. 👀

[bookofmirth]

VEEY GENUINE QUESTION FROM AN ELRIEL SHIPPER VERY GENUINE. So I honestly don't see how Elain has ever acted or said anything that suggested she was romantically interested in Lucien, at least not right now? I guess I just don't really see why people ship them other than the fact that they're mates. Is that the only reason, combined with the fact that (with which I agree) Azriel doesn't seem to be in a place where he can enter a serious relationship? I used to be very neutral with these ships, but every time I reread the books, I just didn't see any real connection/potential between Lucien and Elain, but I have seen things that make me believe there is potential for an elriel relationship. Please let me know what people are seeing/what I'm missing! Just want a rational discussion without stupid insults and whatnot. you know, the thing half the fandom is incapable of :)

Hi!!! I hope I can help because I have lots of thoughts, but anyone else can feel free to jump on!

So you’re right that Elain hasn’t expressed interest in Lucien. This makes sense to me because why would sjm want to write a romance where the beginnings happen off page? Especially if she knew she was going to write Elain’s story eventually? 

It also makes sense that Elain would have reservations about a mating bond, much like Feyre and Nesta did. The whole Elain not having feelings right now thing doesn’t trouble me. It’s been stated a few times that Lucien does, but that also makes sense because he knows more about her than she does about him because of having spent time with her father. (At least, theoretically, idk what the bond could have helped them glean about one another.)

I ship it because they complement each other in terms of their personalities and their interests, so I see a lot of potential for the kind of couple they could be in terms of just who they are.

Diplomacy: Lucien is good at keeping political alliances together. Elain is good at keeping the peace amongst families (less so with Nesta atm, but that’s generally been her “thing”). Let’s say they end up High Lord and Lady, they could divide and conquer any tough situation.

They both are missing a “home”�� 

Elain has had to go from mansion to shack to mansion to the Night Court, always trying to make the best of wherever she is. 

Lucien was kicked out of Autumn, isn’t comfortable in Spring or Night, so he made his own home with the Band of Exiles but since that’s like a roommate “just moved out of the parents’ house” situation you know it’s not for good.

They are both optimistic. They look for the good in any situation and are generally quite resilient. I think they would admire that in each other, given that they’ve seen so many people around them fall apart.

Lucien has had to watch Tamlin fall apart. Elain has had to watch Nesta fall apart. They know what it’s like to love someone and not be able to help them, and know where to draw those boundaries between helping someone and being a crutch or enabling them.

They’ve both loved and lost, meaning that they understand the importance of finding someone committed. (Graysen and Jesminda)

They’ve also watched someone be taken from them before their time (Elain and her father, Jesminda again). They can empathize with one another.

Elain needs someone who will let her be who she wants to be, but won’t let her become complacent. Right now, she’s smiling and saying everything is fine, but it’s really Not Fine. She needs someone who will challenge, OR will let her challenge herself. 

Think back to ACOTAR Lucien, not current Lucien, and the way that he treated Feyre. He was sassy and sometimes rude but he never treated Feyre like a fragile human. When they ended up UtM he and Rhys were the only people to help Feyre. 

So that connects to my previous point that right now, Elain needs more people to tell her “oh, fuck you”. She needs people to look beyond her nice little housewife-y smiles and to ask what she wants and who she is. 

Lucien met Graysen and left him alone, for Elain’s sake. I can’t imagine the restraint that took, given the mating bond.

Lucien needs someone who will prioritize his needs, rather than what he can do for them. Right now, pretty much everyone around him values his political connections but little else. As much as people (characters, I mean, not us) like Elain for how “nice” she is all the time, they don’t see beyond that either.

The proper Jane Austen style-pining potential has me asdjhajksdhasd

Imagine Elizabeth Bennet, “well I didn’t like him quite so much until I saw his huge.... Day Court”. (Also just saying, but sjm has said she’s been rereading that book constantly.)

The constant longing in Lucien’s face 😭 

Elain just wanting someone to love her for who she is and not their idea of her.

The Archeron mom was a biotch but she raised Elain to be the wife of a lord or someone important. Enter Lucien, her mate and someone important. 

And Elain embraces that life. Gardening is domestic, but it’s also ladylike and useful. She wants something bigger, but that doesn’t mean she has to do a 180-degree turn and go completely outside her comfort zone. 

She was born to run a large household and she could do that while also holding some power as a High Lady, or even mate of a High Lord. Idk enough about her yet to know whether she would want the title or not. 

This is my headcanon but Lucien has learned a lot about the art of the bedroom and will be a great teacher. 

Okay this is a lot and I think there are probably other reasons that I’ve forgotten. And even if that’s not convincing, that’s okay? Honestly it’s not until I sit down to write it all out that I can explain why I do or don’t ship something! It’s just a matter of personal preference, ultimately.

[katyobsesses]

Katy my darling <3 I have a very fun ask for you!! What method of arts do each glee characters prefer and what is their favorite thing to create?

oooooo this is a fun ask!

I'm gonna do S2 New Directions for now, but may add S3-6 ND or other characters later 💛 (warning... this is LONG)

Artie: Film. 100% film. He loves using visual media to tell a story, he also really gets into the sound design side too when he learns it in College. He loves making music videos and after Uni that's mostly what he does. He also directs a lot of movie musicals and musical TV shows. Basically he loves making visual media for songs.

Blaine: Performing - mostly singing. He also love writing songs, which we never see in the show but I can imagine him learning about songwriting in NYU and loving it as a way to express his feelings. it's like a step up from using someone else's words to express them.

Brittany: Obviously dancing! I like to think that after marrying Santana she either goes to college for Dance, or maybe owns a dance studio/goes on tour with Mercedes a lot (with Santana as a guest singer) She really loves teaching little kids how to dance, she knows how to interact with them on their level and the kids love her.

Finn: Singing? I honestly can't think about what he likes. Like singing is the closest thing. He sings in the shower a lot and obviously he loves singing on stage. But he's not that much of an art person outside of that. He likes consuming it but not making it.

Kurt: Sewing, obviously, as well as sketching clothes. He loves making accessories for friends - scrunchies for the girls, bow ties for Blaine, a dog bandana for Sam's golden retriver (because you know he gets one) etc. - but he also loves designing and making costumes for small productions. Maybe he volunteers/works with a small theatre troop and makes & designs all of the costumes while also performing.

Mercedes: Mercedes likes making cards for everyone for Christmas and Birthdays. It started because she'd forgotten to buy a card for someone but had some card and pretty pens on hand and it spiralled from there. She now owns a fancy die pressing kit and lots of card toppers and pretty glitter pens and washi tape and all of that. She has a small kit she brings on all of her tours, it helps relax her after a show - making cards for the crew as a thank you/maybe selling some for charity because she makes so much? When she finally gets back together with Sam they both work together to make Christmas cards from them with cute pictures of themselves in terrible christmas jumpers and their golden retriver in a Kurt made bandana and later their kids in matching outfits.

Mike: Like Brittany he's a dancer first and formost. That's his art. He later goes on to be a professional on Dancing With The Stars where he reconnects with Matt on set (maybe they even get together in the end and the DWTS fans love their relationship and their jokingly competative instagram stories) He loves creating a story with only movement and music. Mike also really likes doodling.

Puck: Photography. I don't know why but I see Puck loving to take pictures of places he visits in his travels. He also scrapbooks but only Quinn knows that - he has a whole scrapbook of pictures of Beth that Shelby sends them and later makes them for all of his other kids too, and he has, like, travel journals and scrapbooks of roadtrips he's been on. Basically he's a Bullet Journal guy. He really likes washi tape and pretty papers and stickers and what-not. He will never admit this.

Quinn: Quinn's a writer. In my head she goes on to write a book that's losely based on her high-school years and it becomes a best seller and is later adapted into a Netflix series directed by Artie. I just like the idea! Maybe Rachel plays, like, the Miss Pillsbury character... or Terri! Or maybe Shelby? I dunno one of the adult characters.

Rachel: Obviously her art of choice is performing. It's singing and acting and standing on a stage or a set and making the words in her script her own. Also scrapbooking/moodboard making.

Santana: Santana likes knitting. She won't admit it but she likes knitting little plushies for Brittany, her favourite is a little bi flag coloured bunny. She makes knitted plushies and blankets for all of her friends when they have kids but she never tells them she made them - everyone knows though, they're too perfect for the couple/person (a cat in a scarf or a toy poodle in a bow tie for Klaine, a teddy adorned with gold stars for St. Berry etc. etc.)

Sam: This could be an essay for me (and kinda is opps). Sam is the Art nerd of the group and tries every type of art he possibly can. Macaroni art, illustration, digital art, traditional art, crafts, pumpkin carving, glass blowing, handlettering, graphic design, knitting, crochet, rag rugs, sewing, card making, pyrography, etc. He will try everything he can in terms of visual art. He doesn't, however, write because dyslexia, and he can't wrap him mind around, like editing and film stuff - he does try though because why not. He also really likes songwriting and music arranging.

All of this i'm trying to do as close to canon as i can but going off of canon let's say Sam goes to Parsons for illustration because he's so good at art, he stays with Mercedes in her brownstone and they never break up, after graduating he becomes a comic book illustrator (which i believe is literally a minor at Parsons, so let's say he does a Major in Fine Art/Illustration with a Minor in Comic illustration) and illustrates a run of Young Avengers comics and becomes a fan favourite artist.

In canon, however, he loves teaching the new generation of New Directions but he misses art because he doesn't have that much time anymore (because being the teacher of the new directions is a full time job, apparently, judging by the lack of adult friends or hobbies Will has lol) he loves loves loves arranging music, however, and that becomes the type of art he does the most. He does doodle a lot during faculty meeting (also he does a music teaching certification during his first few years of coaching the nNDs) and goes all out with pumpkin carving at Halloween, and loves decorating his apartment and the choir room at Christmas. He loves doing sets for the musical (and has a lot of fun staging it too) and helps out with the decorations for Prom.

Basically Sam loves to be creative in any way he can. He loves making things, whatever they may be.

Tina: Tina writes fanfiction and draws fanart. She's a nerd 100%, she watched Supernatural, she was a SuperWhoLockian, she loves Merlin, she's loves Twilight but more ironically than, say, Mercedes, and prefers books like Morganville Vampires or PC Cast's series that I've forgotten the name of. She loves the Hunger Games and Firefly and Star Trek and Star Wars. She definately has a tumblr. She mostly writes all sorts of fanfiction and is a huge name in the Supernatural fandom. Only Sam and Blaine know about all of this becuase they found one of her Star Wars fanfictions and in an authors note she said something that they recognised - idk she ranted about Santana or Rachel or something.

This was so much fun omg, thank you for the ask Myle 💛

[just-a-fangirl13]

Why s5 *might* be the season MacRiley happens

Okay so...Hear me out! I'm not crazy I promise!!

Firstly, after 5x03 (and probably 5x04) it may seem very unlikely that MacRiley could ever happen. But I thought of a few reasons why they might actually happen by the end of s5 after all.... (it gets a lil long winded and kinda complicated but just stick with me till the end!)

1. All the MacRiley moments including the ones in 5x03.

[this Mac smile could not be an accident or something that slipped through both production and post-production right?! that in itself is a whole reason!]

Every Macriley moment we have ever had- whether it's the hugs, Riley saving Mac, Mac saving Riley, the ultimate show of loyalty when Riley went after Mac during Codex or even just the looks exchanged between the two- to any outsider it would seem pretty obvious that they are dating or at least in love. Keep in mind the writers would have written each of those scenes and Lucas and Tristan have acted them out with a specific build up in mind aka MacRiley.(think about the date episode: Riley just got dumped but was still thinking about how Mac might be hungry. She didnt have to do that. She could have just shown up at his place..) I mean how can they write two people so perfectly in sync and so perfect for each other and not have them end up together? It would just be a waste of all that tension and slow burn. (not to mention all the hugs and glances)

2. They know we exist. 

The MacRiley fam is very active on twitter with the writers and while they were writing 5x01 they knew we were around. They know we are a huge group. They would not want to risk pissing 90% of the fandom off by not making MacRiley endgame.

[P.S.yes 5x03 was a bait and switch but if you were paying attention you would have noticed that neither Lucas not Tristan live tweeted or hyped up the episode. They knew we would probably hate it so they didnt publicise it too much! so in the future if you have doubts about the episode being a MacRiley one just check their stories or posts on twitter/intstagram]

3. Yes 5x03 happened. 

I really think it was an episode they HAD to write. Ok so after 4x13 they had 7 more episodes planned and were filming 4x20 (aka the finale) when the pandemic struck. So they have these 6 episodes but no finale for it. [Idk if anyone else has noticed but in 5x01 there were clearly some parts cut out. For example the conversation between Desi and Riley towards the end seemed a bit jilted. Riley asking Desi to forgive her but Desi replied with yeah we are cool (still no apology ofc) I feel like something happened during that which ended up getting cut out so it could fit with the final story.]

This makes me think that they have rewritten a few bits to tie into the new finale episode. In 5x03 when Mac asked Desi to come fishing with him which was clearly something very personal to him she was like no do better.. then we see Mac's disappointed expression. She could have easily said okay but maybe not for our first date? Or its not really my thing? Or just about anything else rather than laughing in his face like that. Eventhough MD is together they still arent compatible. Mac’s final words in 5x03 was him being desperate. I truly think he is so broken and lost that Desi is the only safe thing left, the only thing he feels like he can fix right now. Once he finds himself again and heals...then it's going to hit him like a pile of bricks!!

4. But Riley doesn't have feelings anymore...WELL doesnt she? 

When it comes to Mac, Riley is always in denial. We saw it in s4 when she tells Bozer not to make her say it. I think s5 will show her finally accepting it. Finally accepting that she is in love with her best friend and that it definitely isnt Codex adrenaline because she caught the feels when Codex wasnt even around. While Mac's arc would include realising he and Desi are never going to work and that he is unhappy and that RILEY is the one for him.

[why else would they give Riley feelings for Mac? Something has to come of it.]

5. The slow burn rule.[this point is a lil complicated] 

Now season 5 is rumoured to have 13 episodes. So here’s what I think: If MacGyver follows the pattern that most shows do when it comes to slow burns, then technically MacRIley should have happened at the end of season 4. But since the season got cut short and they didnt get to air/finish their final episode the writers had to improvise. 

From what I know, 4x19 which is 5x04 for us is the episode where Mac meets Desi’s parents and 4x20 was supposed to be the finale that was left unfinished.(they are definitely moving the timeline ahead if a pre finale episode is suddenly a mid season one.) There might have been a 4x21 or 4x22 but I haven't heard anything about those....EVER.

So what I think they have decided to do instead is extend the MD storyline a bit longer just so they dont end up scrapping all their s4 episodes where they would be together and write a new finale that ties everything together, aka MacRiley.

If you think about episode counts, s4 and s5 together would have 26 episodes which is a how long a normal season runs. Basically what im trying to say is if we follow the ‘slow burns end by s4’ and take season 5 as an extension of 4 then MacRiley should get together in the season 5 finale or maybe the episode just before. (IM REALLY TRYING TO GET SOME LOGIC INTO THIS)

This would be a typical TV thing too where the couple finds out about each other’s feelings while the main arc of the show is also at its peak, which perfectly sets up a future season where fans are hyped but still has a satisfying ending.

6. So what about MacDesi?

So far the macgyver writers have given us characters we love. Think of every character on the show apart from maybe Desi... Mac, Riley, Bozer, Jack, Matty, Leanna, Samantha, Russ and even Murdoc. WE LOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. So then why is Desi such a strange character? I think shes purposely been written as an opposite to Mac or even Riley (I get she’s supposed to kinda replace Jack but Jack is really irreplaceable). 

It's not necessarily a bad thing its just not a great thing to do or have great execution. People have said things like Desi is a badass and shouldnt have to apologise or say I love you back to her boyfriend because she is a strong woman...I'm sorry but your opinion of who a strong woman is, is EXTREMELY skewed. A strong woman is someone who can make mistakes and when she does, she is ‘strong’ enough to own up to it, she is loyal and fierce and also caring while being a badass who can take down bad guys. And for GODS SAKE, RILEY DAVIS IS A STRONG WOMAN...people have called her mushy and feminine on twitter and I'm just very confused by that.....

Anyways before I go off on a rant, it seems like Desi is intentionally being written this way. Every opportunity they get to redeem her and make her more relatable or just a better person they just dont take it. While Rileys character arc is one of the best I've ever seen. Either its intentional or they’ve forgotten how to write characters...which is worrisome but ill give them the benefit of the doubt.

The writers also know we dont like Desi. The amount of times we've tagged them in the toxic posts or pointed out problematic things we can be sure they've seen at least half of those. So theres no way they dont know. RIGHT?

So why then is MD still a thing you may ask??

Well for one they cant break them up again off screen because of those unreleased s4 episodes. (not to mention the other parts of the audience who arent as invested in mac’s love life would probably be very confused.)

Secondly Mac has to be the one to pull the plug, not Desi. 4x13 made it seem like Desi was the annoyed one not Mac. He apologised to her which meant he wanted to fix things. 

Thirdly, they are opening the chpt one last time before they permanently close it. MD is going to be a stark contrast to macriley(it already is in every way possible). Every issue Mac and Desi had can be used to show how amazing macriley really is as two people who arent even dating yet.

Fourthly, MD being together is a sort of commentary on Macs mental health as well. We can see how happy he is with Riley but around Desi he becomes some one else. If the writers are doing this on purpose or subconsciously still remains to be seen.

And Yes keeping MD around for a few more episodes seems like a necessary risk right now but I have a feeling its going to be worth it later.

[I know we have had like 4 desi entered episodes already but I really think 5x04 will be the last of it since 5x05 is the Jack episode and 5x06 is Mac+Riley+Bozer episode with no mention of Desi at all!]

The writers know we are a dedicated bunch and they know that once MD breaks up for the last time the entire fandom will be waiting and watching. That's when the show will be at its peak. That will be the perfect moment to bring in MacRiley’s arc to a new start!

Congrats if you stuck with me through this whole thing! if you agree/disgaree with any of these or have other reasons why they could be endgame in s5 let me know!!

[straighttohellbuddy]

World building is the best tbh. I’m forever world building and now I have several worlds to play in and my neurodivergent brain cannot stay still enough to focus on one lmao. SLOWBURN ROMANCES ARE MY LITERAL JAM LIKE PLS!!! I LOVE THEM!! Also!!!! Concepts!!!! Pls share!!!! I love learning about the worlds of my fave fics and I can hands down say right now that this fic will literally shoot to the top of my list of favourites which means you’ll occupy the top three spots. Sorry to hear that ur feeling rough, so am sending u the biggest hug. I’m not okay but I’m taking care of myself today so that I will be 🧡-🐈‍⬛

alsjfsldkjf i have too many worlds TBH, literally one of the best parts of my 2020 was writing for the classic rock fandom and writing one of my good friend’s ocs alongside mine, like there’s so many different worlds that our two characters have now, i’m like 26k deep into a high school au that i need to get back to at some point, and then i wrote a oneshot abt the high school au but they’re adults, and then there’s also the original timeline, and then there’s the present day in the original timeline where they have kids and i probably care too much about people who aren’t real...... hahaha

OKAY OKAY OKAY HERE WE GO I’LL GIVE KIND OF AN OVERVIEW OF THE ALBUMS AND A FEW SONGS BUT IF U WANT ME TO GO IN DEPTH ON ANY OTHER SONG JUST ASK!!!

yes i have a playlist for each, if you wanna hear how i interpret the vibes of the songs. if you interpret them differently, thats awesome!! i’d love to hear y’all’s opinions on them!!

testing one two - the first ep they release, the song titles are mostly themed (fast forward, press play, pause, rewind), but are mostly things y/n has been working on for a while but never got around to finishing, things they are rather proud of. i see you shiver with... is the first song they wrote specifically for the album, and it’s the last song on the EP because it’s a Rocky Horror reference; i see you shiver with...

a n t i c i p a t i o n - first full album!! the vibe is Hopeful But Hesitant it has all the songs from the ep, plus some new ones!! collabs with youtube musicians troye and dodie, and y/n’s label sets up a collab that turns into a genuine friendship. the breakout dance hit is what else is there to say ft. Troye Sivan, which is about not knowing what to make content about when it feels like you’ve already told the world everything. it featured the prechorus and hook

You, know, ev-ery-thing about me / gave it all for free / my life in HD / So, let’s dance, let me see your hips sway / we’re gonna be okay / what else is there to say?

So say that you love me, say that you love me, say that you love me / let’s die hand in hand. / I’ll tell you I love you, tell you I love you, tell you I love you / supply and demand. 

personally, i also conceptually enjoy srs bsns which is a really upbeat song about how they don’t care if people don’t take them seriously because they know in their heart that what they’re doing is good

hyperfocus - 2nd EP, a pretty substantial departure from their usual style, but also happens to quietly be Corpse’s favourite, and is actually y/n’s most polarising, because it has both the Grammy award winning HEARTBURN and the o brother where art thou which was written partially as a joke to capture a fond moment of them and 5SOS dicking around together in a hotel. written while on tour wit 5SOS, im writing the reader as having ADHD (because I have ADHD and i can do what i want), and the backstory is that they’d changed the medication/dosage they were taking, and as it’s their first full tour, they were under a lot of stress and were in a weird place mentally and emotionally, and hyperfocus is the result of that. i’m going through some stuff has HUGE agoraphobic vibes. 

HEARTBURN has the same vibes as Florence + The Machines’ Howl. It’s about being a demon without saying that or directly implying that unless you know demons real well. This is when the pressure for them to confirm their identity got real bad, and it was their way of working through those emotions.

tear in existence in the shape of a person / when i’m seeing clearly i can’t see myself / world can’t swallow what it can’t get it’s teeth into / got everything i wanted but i ain’t got my health

Got heart-burn--- / I’ll tear me apart / I’ll tear you apart / I’ll tear me apart. 

SCREAM gets rereleased as a remixed single featuring Fall Out Boy the following year. It won the MTV music award for best collaboration in 2018. 

In the time between hyperfocus and working on it, Y/N releases several singles, including a cover of Tell Him by The Exciters to be featured in To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before. They also take time to sort out their health, do a little bit more YT stuff, and travel internationally to do festivals. 

working on it - is kind of a middle ground between their original stuff, and hyperfocus, like pop-punk meets horror-pop meets whatever you’d classify halsey as. the first three songs were mostly written before the fic starts, so before they’re getting back to YT, but the last three, nightmare scenario, designed to hurt (touch me), and not scared were all written after they’d started hanging out with sykkuno and corpse. 

in-universe, imposter syndrome was originally something else, along the same lines of tired that they’re hiding that they’re a demon, but after meeting corpse nd sykkuno and having people who know, and lowkey being influenced by corpse’s music, the song changes directions, and YO OKAY YO::

I literally am so fucking flattered, my darling friend @bingusmode​ wrote lyrics for imposter syndrome and I’ve been yELLING about them ever since i’ve read them!! (also bunnie is fantastic and lovely in general 10/10)

if you thought you saw me 

i’d think about it twice

cuz while i know i’m naughty

everybody thinks i’m nice

cutest giggles get me

places that i long to be

but it’s not long before

everybody hates me

when you figure out i’m fucked up

you’ll probably think that can’t be right

but babe my image runs to save me

cuz i’m ugly day and night

nothing good about me

not the angel that i seem

cuz i’m a piece of shit

and i’ll ruin your fuckin dreams

i’m an impostor babe

you better run for your life

cuz there’s a bloodlust runnin through me

and you’re dripping off my knife

there’s no one here to save you

cuz you ate up all my lies

so beg me while you can

and draft up all your goodbyes 

if any of y’all are inspired by anything i put out, feel free to take it and run!! you have my blessing!! i am so overwhelmingly flattered by people who like my stuff enough to create because of it, directly or indirectly! lyrics, art, songs, anything!! legit! I love you!!

okay so designed to hurt (touch me) has big House of Memories by Panic! At The Disco vibes, and YES it’s about Corpse. YES it sends mixed messages. YES it has greek myth imagery and YES that imagery is confusing. not sure if any of these sets of lyrics actually go after each other but also idk??

will my fall from grace be graceful / as each move i see you make? / propped up on pedestals side by side / beneath our feet they shake / i’m the only one to hear you ask  / “What have they done to me?” / My boy, your wax throne is sun-drenched / you’ll fall in the name of your legacy.

eyes like yours watched rome burn / while hands like mine lit the pyre / we both heard me say we’d go down in flames / now you’re turning me into a liar / since you smile like that, like you can’t feel the sting / and we both know i can’t feel the fire

been telling myself i’m designed to hurt / but, baby, aren’t we a sight? /

check your reflection, your angles, apollo / you’re icarus in the right light /

we’re on the edge, i’m not scared to fall / we’ll take refuge in the night /

been telling yourself you’re designed to hurt / but, baby, doesn’t this feel right?

also, albumtouralbumtour is a reference to Bohemian Rhapsody.

OKAY AND FINALLY

n o s t a l g i a - the album the reader’s working on during the fic.

literally as i was writing this, bunnie sent through some FIRE lyrics for how the light gets in, (@bingusmode) i am going to be thinking about these on REPEAT for the next MONTH BRUV

little bit of darkness, treat me like a toy 

i got my hopes up and got them destroyed

bitter taste of regret sitting heavy on my tongue

can’t believe i let you convince me that you were the one

sitting here in silence, fabric running thin

petals burning in my lungs and stealing oxygen

embers from a cigarette falling to the floor

god i can’t take anymore

so i stumble to the window and pull the shades

and the moon pours in like you threw a grenade

i can’t understand why

i keep trying

cuz i never seem to win

but having any hope is how the light gets in 

from there, moment before impact ft. Billie Eilish is a club anthem along the lines of bad guy or COPYCAT, bass heavy with a drop that’s out of this world.

powdered pain, i’m in your veins / i’m the sting, the drip, the thing / you’re craving, but you hate to see me misbehaving / i heard my breakdown got you high / it’s true, but baby i can’t lie / i never got that rush, that burn / that makes you feel alive, i had to learn / to pick the slippery slope down which i fell / plan my pitstops on the way to hell / to pick my padding before i spiral / so if i break it’ll be in style

watch my misdirect, now freeze, / notice you can’t see the forest for the trees / you’re so desperate for my demise / but baby, i’ll make you watch me rise.

this is the moment before impact

controlled chaos, crash land / take a breath, trust the plan / i know you hope i’m not okay / you get off on my audio misery

controlled chaos, crash land / take a breath, trust the plan / i need you to know i want it this way / my breakdown won me a grammy

and this is the moment before impact

ur my favourite - interlude ft. sykkuno is probably one of my favourites, it’s just really soft, just a snippet of a conversation between the reader and sykkuno, maybe one of them told a joke and they both just sound real happy and sweet. its nice. it’s a nice moment.

means something is also for sykkuno!! it’s about how good-strange it is to be open and honest with friends, and how they usually aren’t but they’re glad they can be open and honest with him!!

meanwhile, i don’t think about u - interlude ft. CORPSE is a phonecall between corpse & the reader right after they announce they’re going to feature on acting like that, where corpse asks if they do this sort of thing to spite him, to which the reader responds ‘do i consider you when i’m making decisions about my career? no, corpse, actually i don’t think about you at all’ which then directly contrasts the song that ends the album, which is (how it feels to be) beautiful fireworks, which is essentially ‘i know how hard it is to exist like this, to be the centre of attention, to give off light and bring people joy, even when you’re in pain. i’m here for you. i love you.’

okay, i swear im done now, i’ll get back to writing the fic! (also i cannot BELIVE i managed to figure out how to embed those playlists but im so happy) edit: it didn’t actually work when i posted the ask, so anyways im sorry but y’all are abt to be spammed with playlists because i care too much abt this fic

[thevagueambition]

Tagged by @everyonewasabird - thanks!

1) how many works do you have on AO3?

48

2) what’s your total AO3 word count?

207,828

3) how many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Let me go count 😂 I tend to write oneshots for random things then never write more for that fandom (when it even has what can be called a fandom lol)

Hmm, something like 24?

Les Mis and Harry Potter are definitely what I’ve written for the most. I’ve written a fair bit of Star Wars stuff as well, but most of that is unpublished wips.

4) what are your top five fics by kudos?

Oh god, I don’t like the first two anymore

1. Mr. Harry Potter, a trans guy!Harry ficlet (this was originally just a headcanon post)

2. Practice, a B99 bi trans guy!Jake ficlet

3. Aching for You, MDZS Wangxian porn with plot (that novel blue balled me lmao)

4. Just Like That, Disco Elysium Harry/Kim (I still really like this one, it was one of the first in that tag too)

5. Handsome as ever, Doctor Who fic where Thirteen and her companions meet Jack Harkness (written before his canon reappearance)

5) do you respond to comments? why or why not?

Usually, yeah. Not if it’s just a heart of a single word comment, though. Not that I don’t appreciate those comments, there’s just not really anything to respond to. If someone does it on every chapter of a longer fic, I might go like “thanks for taking the time to comment!” on one of them to show that I appreciate it.

6) what’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Hmm, I’m more of a hurt/comfort than outright angst sort of guy... particularly in terms of endings, I really like things to be really angsty but then end on that note of “things are going to be okay”?

That said, it’s probably In Other Circumstances, a fic based on the movie Joyeux Noël, which is already fairly angsty, given the subject matter (that time during WW1 opposing armies celebrated Christmas together). That, or the Dumbledore fic To Be At Peace.

7) do you write crossovers? if so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

Not really. I do have a little bit of a Les Mis/Order of the Phoenix mash-up where Dumbledore’s Army do a student activism after Dumbledore is sacked (Lamarque is dead!) lying around somewhere, but I think that’s about it. God, that was a good idea though. I should get back on that some day.

8) have you ever received hate on a fic?

I think I once got one from a terf on that trans!Harry one but it was pretty vague lol

9) do you write smut? if so what kind?

Yeah, occasionally. I have a lot of kinks in the bdsm area of things, so that’s always pretty apparent in the smut I write. I just think power dynamics are sexy lmao

A lot of the smut I’ve written is original work stuff though, so that’s not up in the same place as my fanfic.

10) have you ever had a fic stolen?

Doubt it

11) have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes, Just Like That was translated into Chinese.

I’ve also personally translated a Odin/Loki fic I wrote in Danish into English. Fun fact, it’s way harder to translate than if I’d written it in English in the first place. I like to write fic in Danish where it makes sense to, though.

12) have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope. I’ve partcipated in events where I’ve drawn and the other person written, but never co-written. Frankly I’m not even sure how that works.

13) what’s your all-time favourite ship?

Gah, idk. All-time, huh? I shift between fandoms too much for that.

Obviously I ship Enjolras/Grantaire a lot and have for a long time, but then I’m also super particular about what I want that to look like lol.

I still really love Sirius/Remus even after all these years. Disco Elysium’s Harry/Kim deserves mention here as well, although that’s a lot newer, so it’s difficult to talk about in an “all-time” sense.

Despite not really caring about any aspect of Marvel anymore, I also still really love Matt/Foggy from the Netflix version of Daredevil.

14) what’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

A lot of unposted stuff 😂 Maybe once I finish Elysium I’ll pick one of those up again... If it’s a wip I care about, I won’t start posting it till I have a good sense that I’ll continue being able to update.

15) what are your writing strengths?

Hmm, I think I’m good at inserting myself into the mindset of the protagonist. This is also why I practically never write alternating pov, I’m filtering everything through that protagonist so shifting around would be harder. Dialogue tends to come easily to me as well.

16) what are your writing weaknesses?

Descriptions, moving characters around in space in particular. On a more meta level, plotting things out to the right degree where I still actually want to write it but I’m also going in a particular direction. Just... plot, in general, really.

17) what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Generally speaking, if my character speaks the language in question, the dialogue will be rendered in the same language as the rest of the text with a dialogue tag like “he said in German” or w/e. If they do not, the dialogue will be rendered in the actual language being spoken.

Of course this is also hugely guided but what languages I personally speak. I will never use google translate for something like that because I personally find it infuriating when people do that lmao. It’s like saying “Hey, you, who actually speak this language? This isn’t for you. Fuck you. This is just here for flavor. Surely no-one who actually speaks this language will ever come across this.” I’m sure that’s not what most people who do that are thinking, but that’s what it feels like to read. So I won’t do that.

I can’t recall if I’ve done this in anything that’s up anywhere, but if I wanted to include a foreign phrase I would either use Danish, use triple checked German or ask someone I know who speak a given language about the phrase in that language. Or, you know, just use an established quote.

An exception is Latin, particularly for Les Mis fic, where I follow the brick’s habit of rendering Latin untranslated, despite the pov character understanding it (but again, these are always established phrases).

If I wrote something in Danish taking place in the modern day, I would render English untranslated as well, since that is just how young Danes talk and I can assume that 99.99% of potential readers will be able to understand it either way (this, I think we can assume, is also what was going on with Latin at the time Hugo was writing).

18) what was the first fandom you wrote for?

Probably Harry Potter. That, or Avatar: The Last Airbender. I don’t really remember. The first thin I put on FFnet was certainly Harry Potter, though.

19) what’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

Predictably it’s On the Path to Elysium. As I’ve mentioned before, I wasn’t really able to write long things before Elysium. Most of my fics are oneshots and while I really like oneshots, I had long been frustrated that I never managed to get any of my longer ideas off the ground. Elysium represents a lot of growth for me as a writer.

Apart from that, like I said, I’m still very fond of Just Like That, if nothing else then because I wrote it in an emulation of how the game itself is written.

I tag @thebearmuse @teddy-stonehill @antirococoreaction (no pressure ofc, just if any of you think it looks fun)

[partyinthemysterymachine]

B, D, L, G for fandom meme

bless....... tysm............

B - A pairing you initially didn’t consider but someone changed your mind

it was @acapelladitty‘s fault. i know it. what was it, ditty. what did you do to me. i can’t remember. i know it was her fault because she’s the culprit of like Everything Heinous that is Gotham rogues.

i just know it was Batman rogues. i know it in my bones. 

who else has receipts? cough ‘em up bc i have idiot brain syndrome

D - A pairing you wish you liked but just can’t (again: be nice)

tips back head

James/Mary (just cuz i’ll write it here and there don’t mean i still don’t like it; i can put aside personal preferences for the sake of the written word and imaginations)

James/Maria (...... yeah no wait i don’t think i could ever really come around to that one, so i just kinda HUGE No Thanks 5ever)

Harry/Cybil :( sry y’all but bi/lesbian power friendship

Harry/Anyone Shattered Memories ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Harry/Lisa (which might due in part to her name...............)

Travis/Lisa (...... hhh)

sorry i know harry mason is a bisexual treat, but i-- i actually have other uhhhhhhhhh for his lovin women so hahaha yeah

Alessa/Claudia (T-poses as a show of threat and dominance) ([̷̢͇̙̜͉͎̗̤̯̤̼̤̩͙̹̤͔̗̣̲̹͇̙̥̞̣̞̗̻͚̎̌͋͊̕͜ͅR̸̢̢̨̢̨̢̡̡͙͈̘͎̯̝̩̩̬̺̘̺̩̘̩̫͉̱̺͎̯̩̞͕̄̈́̍̂̿̀̾͂̐͊̀͒̋̅͗͌̈́͊͛̓͝͝ͅĒ̶̡̢̢̢̡̨̡̹̖̤̗̝̞̱̟͇̯̘̰̯̻̲̳̣̞͙̙̪͌͑̊́́́̀́̀̌̇̐͗̒͛͊̈͌̔͜͜͠ͅD̶̛̦̞̫̖̱́̓͗̌̄̋͐̆̈́́̆͊̔̍̃́̚͠Ã̸̛̩͍̼͂̈̌̀͛͌̒́̾̌͛̀̓͗́̽̐̇̌̈̕͘͝͝͝C̷̢̨̡̧̦͕̪̻̼̪̱͍̩͚̹͈̙̟̲͚̬̗͇̮̖̹̞̐͐̂̔̽̑̈́̓͜͜ͅŢ̴̢̧̡̛̻͍͉͈̺̟͙̩̬̝͚̘͖͙̮͉̤͓̦̳͙̥̭̤̹̝̮̖̫̪͔̘͕̭̽̅͋̇͑̾̍̏̉̔̄́͒͒͒̍̅̏̈́͊̄͆̈́̕͘͝͝ͅĖ̸̛̛̪͗͛̈́̈́̄̊̄́́̿̌̂̎́̋͆͂̑̾͐̉͌̃͒̔̓̂́̚̚͠͝͠Ḑ̶̡̧̡̞̬̲̣̹̥̱̬̗̲̪̼̘̻͕͆̒̒́͗̂̌͂̈̚]̵̢̧̧̰̣͍̹̝̦̙̰̩̼̠͕̦̜̱̠̗͍̯̖̲̝͔͎̅̾̉̓̊̽͆̃͘͜͝͠)

Two-Face/Riddler (REALLY picky about this one)

Riddler/Penguin ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  can’t bring myself to it, man

Munkustrap/Demeter (sorry lads........... i’m so sorry....... i’ve tried for 84 years i swear........... pls don’t forget me....)

Mistoffelees(Quaxo)/Victoria (same dig)

Tugger/Bombalurina (ok let’s just say that like 90% of the longtime “fanon-agreed ships” i’m not here for, sorry my good dudes, but i do have opinions as to where they fit in elsewhere (and listen here you little shits--

what other fuckin fandoms do i sully

idk taking receipts as always

L - Say something genuinely nice about a character who isn’t one of your faves (chars you’re neutral on are fair game, as are chars you dislike)

uhh

Eddie Dombrowski is not a favorite and never has been on my radar of characters i dig - however, he’s a character i went ham on with psychological dissection and i would do it again, but more coherently and with more time to think about it instead of just barfing (hah) it out in one go

he’s a fascinating study and i have several other opinions on him and that includes him as a behavioral/psychological/intent/motive exercise boy HOWDY

uhh...

The Penguin is a character who also can be picked apart until the cows come home and has been an interesting one to see evolve (or devolve, whew) through the years. i can see why he’s a favorite amongst the rogues fans and he’s got a really neat backstory and motive, and totally respect how he’s been portrayed and how the fans have handled/talked about him

uhhh

Jondalar (Clan of the Cave Bear) sure does.. .... y’know! good for him

how’d i do

G - Do you remember your first OTP, if so who was in it

.. :) yeah i remember my first OTP, and my first time trying to write fanfiction without knowing what it really was because i must’ve been like in fourth grade or around there

maybe younger? who’s to say

so i was really into Wizard of Oz/Oz books and i slowly collected the series, badgering various book stores into ordering it (and mom), and man i was Super Deep, Dude. i fuckin was on a Wizard of Oz site and they had a dedication page to Jack Haley (Tin Man) and this gut-wrenching quote from Ray Bolger (Scarecrow):

"Jack, it's going to be very lonely on that Yellow Brick Road now."

(btw all this time i had it flipped; i thought it was Jack eulogizing Ray, but upon double check, welp)

but anyway :) that hurted :) still hurteds a lot :))))

fuckin Ouch

anyway the point is that i shipped Tin Man/Scarecrow and i even wrote a bit of fanfic about it (sorry dad’s computer that you had to read/come back to it) and since i had no friends and young i played pretend a lot and you’ll NEVER guess what i was playing pretend about--

and it WAS very dramatic thank you very much

.. i think i was (rping with myself lbr here) actually doing a storyline where They Were Discovered and !!!!!!!!!! The Bigotry!!!!!!!!! and they had to defend themselves!!!!! and their love!!!!!!!!!!!!! without even knowing what the fuck i was doing

chinhands

it was Tin Man/Scarecrow Wizard Of Oz

[kokoinupi]

I’ve been interested in watching MDZS for a while now, but I’m not sure of what all I have to watch with the series or where to find it. I know there are live action bits, and I think an anime, and there may also be a manga? Please help if you can

yeah of course! so there are actually six whole versions of the story. you do not have to consume them all, and I haven't (yet) (i might) but here's what i know:

novel:

the novel, of course, is the original form of the story. it has the most true version of the canon plot, as well as being uncensored. there's swearing, there's sex scenes, and most importantly, the canon gay romance is left untouched by chinese decency laws. i personally cannot WAIT to read the novel because the few extra chapters ive read have such good dialogue and characterization, and im also tired of true canon wangxian being kept from me. you can read a pretty good translation of the novel here.

manhua:

i haven't read the manhua yet, but from what i heard it's pretty true to canon, and unlike japanese manga it's in full color which is cool! it is de-gayified but to a lesser degree than the others i think, but im not sure cause i haven't read it fjekfm. the art looks cool and im pretty sure the story is finished. you can read the manhua here (tho i think you have to pay for later chapters? im not sure. you can probably also find it on your favorite manga pirating app).

audio dramas (japanese and chinese):

to be real im not entirely sure what's the deal with the audio dramas, if they're the whole story or just a supplement story... or where to watch them in english. but they have pretty songs and pretty art on youtube, and from what i can tell from the songs, it is in fact Not de-gayed. at least not the chinese one (tho i don't expect the japanese one to be more censored, cause japan does not have those laws). the songs ive seen have spoilers tho so i would suggest not seeking them out until youve consumed the story another way.

donghua:

(aka anime). the donghua is a really good place to start if you're like me and you can't motivate yourself to read something like a novel or a manhua and you have problems with live action. it's currently unfinished but season three is coming this summer, and from what i can tell it is de-gayed.... but the art and animation are good, it's a good way to get familiar with the first part of the story and by god learn the characters' names without having to tell real people apart (but that's just my own faceblind problems). the story is really really rushed in the donghua tho and i wouldn't suggest only consuming that with nothing else because you'll be very confused in the fandom, missing huge scenes and not given time to fully absorb others. but it personally is a good place to start, to lay down the groundwork to understand the others. you can watch it officially on youtube here, but in case you dont like yt, my personal favorite pirate site for all anime is animedao.to, and it's on there too.

live action:

it's worth noting that while everything else is called mo dao zu shi (grandmaster of demonic cultivation, founder of diabolism, or a similar translation), the live action is called chen qing ling (the untamed). theyre the same story, but with a different name. i guess. i have seen the live action.... now twice, in two months. it is very good, but personally it was hard to understand without watching the donghua first. you gotta get that baseline of who the characters are and what's a flashback and what's not to really Get what's going on for the first few episodes. but it is very very good, and is much much longer than the donghua (50 episodes, 45 mins each vs like 25-some 20 mins each?) so it has So Much content that you don't get in the donghua and moves the plot along at a much more palatable pace, and there are some scenes they just couldn't fit in the donghua that are absolutely gold. it's finished to the end too! but! it is also probably the most censored of them all... but aside from that, it is very very very good and i can't stop singing its praises. the casting is perfect, the costume and set design is perfect, the cg effects and fight scenes are extremely cheesy but that's fine. it's good. it's on netflix, but if you don't have that you can probably find it on a pirate site somewhere. idk where to pirate live action so i can't help there.

TLDR; i personally watched the donghua first, then the live action, now im gonna read the novel, and that combined with some wiki scouring is enough for me to fully understand the story and im a lil dumdum when it comes to plot comprehension. and this one is pretty in-depth. so that's personally what i would suggest, but if you are a reader then go for the novel first. but i also suggest at least giving the live action a go because personally it is really well done even if the effects are cheap djsmdm

[404-potato]

I’m going to share something because I really need to get this off my chest. Please feel free to ignore this - 

... I never really talked about it with anyone because I don’t think I really had it in me to fully acknowledge it even. “Embarrassed” is the best way to describe why quite honestly... as much as I hate to admit it

This... is how I ended up hating a series I loved. And the ship/fandom still makes me cringe because of a weirdly “traumatizing” (? maybe? not sure - i hate using that word/throwing it around;;;) incidents that wasn’t really even about the fandom directly at all?  

tw: relationship mess? 

So before IronStrange, how I used to deal with liking series was through cosplaying. There was a good base for it where I lived and good chunk of my friends cosplay too or at least familiar with the community.

I got into this particular series (that I won’t name here) because a friend (who I eventually got involved in a relationship with) was REALLY into it. It was great at first. I loved the series, it was fun, we cosplayed a pair she shipped hard at the time and at some point I liked it too (I think she’s still a bit obsessed with that pairing actually). 

Basically... she got obsessive. 

It started with the little things like... very...uh... predictable... she didn’t want me to cosplay with other people. She didn’t want me to cosplay with anyone else for this particular pairing. Wanted me to prioritize her during cons... sort of made it impossible for me to be flexible to make plans with any other people. When confronted eventually (the “hey so you know I only have so much time I can give to this hobby- if I make all these plans with you I don’t have time for other friends. We can still do things together but I want to spend time with other people too”)... she made it seem like she would give me space but when time came it was always “I’m not saying you can’t go hang out with your friends but you promised this.” “I asked you first.” ... which by promise btw was her mentioning it some months ago by passing. There were other little things here and there in the con/cos world like if any other friend wanted to put together a cosplay group and asked me she got upset I didn’t ask her to join? Her reasoning was that “well I always ask you so why don’t you.” which seemed like demanding I feel the same way about her as she did for me. ... I know... sounds terrible of me & maybe I should be more sympathetic but... you can’t... demand someone to return how you feel about them or get upset when they don’t? (by the way this was way before we dated even - she also repeated denied she had any sort of feelings for me)

And I honestly didn’t recognize it at first or thought it wasn’t a big deal. I had lot of incident in the past where friends, people I dated, etc. made some... perhaps unjustified demands and I did my best to accommodate if I was willing or situation allowed it. I truly, maybe arrogantly, believed I could fully take care of myself because i always had been that one person who could take care of themselves. ... and there was no possible way anyone could ever “take advantage of me” so to say? in any way. 

Then eventually we started dating. It was casual, lets see where it goes at first. ...then at some point we were in a relationship? ... quite frankly I don’t even remember how fully that came about. (I was not exactly in the best mental state that year due multiple disasters that was going on in my personal life - terrible timing because i let a lot of “red flags” go since I was so tired to fight). 

She wanted me to stop talking to certain friends. One was a friend who we went on couple dates (and it didn’t work out, & by then this friend was dating someone else). But she still didn’t want me be friends with this person. 

...And for those who think you shouldn’t be friends with your exes or not talk to them at all for some reason? F u. Yes it is fully possible to be friends with your ex if you both are at a good place etc. Esp if these people were not even exes per se it was like people you went on a date or two with that you both realized after “hey yea we’re friends not anything more”. 

Little by little I was talking to less and less people, interacted with less and less friends. I stopped cosplaying completely just so I didn’t have to deal with her getting upset at me. I didn’t have the energy. It felt like if I go anywhere I had to invite her. If I made any plans I should invite her. After a while I was so miserable to the point we had huge fights. I literally left the apartment to get away because she wasn’t listening to anything I was saying and all her rebuttal to everything was along the lines of “It’s because i like you so much” etc. 

Yea this whole “being loved” thing to the point they want to spend so much time with you at all times may sound sweet in theory ...but for someone who is an only child (with no distant relatives in the same country), who is used to be left alone to live my life with very minimal supervision since 5 years old, needs a lot of time to myself naturally... it’s a nightmare. But if I said I wanted to be alone or need time to myself suggest I’ll go to my parent’s (not my first choice but ya know... at this point i figured she’ll flip if I said any friend’s)... she’ll try to angrily (very recklessly) drive off saying she’ll sleep at her work parking lot?? or I came back after one of these fights and she had all these scratches because apparently she tried to take a bath with wine and she fell?? ... I feel like I couldn’t even leave. ...typing this now, it’s kinda occurring to me I felt very stuck. She says I can go, I can do things, but... i mean... I can’t?? because then she’ll go off and do something like this. That time she was physically hurt, I know I should feel bad but I honestly couldn’t feel bad. I felt suffocated. I was angry. I felt like she was doing this as some sort of attention seeking... thing. 

Oh and lets not forget comments here and there about how I should let her know what i’m doing all the time, all the change of plans. Example: barely one month after I started at a new job, it was the holiday party. I did let her know I’ll be trying to come home early but please eat without me/don’t wait up. Well as I was trying to leave, I got caught in conversation by my VP and then my CEO... i couldn’t just up and leave at that point?? And I couldn’t answer the 30+ calls I got from her. ...She was pissed. Saying how they waited for me to eat, how I said I’ll be home early, etc. I tried to explain what happened. It’s a holiday party, its loud. I can’t keep looking at my phone when i’m talking to my CEO. I did say i’ll try but shit happens and I can’t update her all the time 24/7...She said she got it but next day would still throw these passive aggressive remarks. Couple of her friends came to visit from out of town, we were supposed to spend the day together with them. I was obviously tired because of the holiday party still and I muttered like “damn i’m tired” by passing... her automatic reaction was “well you shouldn’t have stayed out then.” because in her words, during the argument that followed, we made plans to spend time with her friends so I should have prioritized it at all cost even over the job that I need. Nothing said I couldn’t just leave and come home early, I didn’t have to go in the first place. ...oh idk there is something called work politics??? esp when you are a minority girl working at 80~90%+ white male company. 

Then it all boiled up to a particular bad fight where I said I need her to compromise because I’m ready to lose it... I explained so many things from above that was genuinely becoming so unhealthy for me...  How she said she’ll be better in the past but she continued on, etc. 

...lol... and the first thing she says to that is how she still doesn’t want me to cosplay with other people. I literally had a moment of that’s what’s so important to you??? SERIOUSLY? fuck this i’m not cosplaying ever again. period. Because at that point... because of the whole incident... or many incidents, I had such negative feeling towards the hobby I didn’t want to do it anyways... let alone this pairing she really liked... or the series etc.  god there was... so many more... like the time we went to a bar to have fun, she over drank even when I told her multiple times hey maybe you should slow down... She basically did the whole “drinking excess as an excuse to say what she wants after” “i’m drunk so I’m saying this” thing. So in a very public place, the bar was crowded, there were people all around us, she yelled VERY loudly about how I didn’t seem to want to have sex with her anymore. When I asked her to keep quiet, please can we talk about this elsewhere... she KEPT GOING- LOUDLY YELLING. Hysterically crying. Honestly... considering everything going on... yea I didn’t want to. At some point it did occur to me I didn’t want to have sex at all (and that was whole another level of problem considering I’ve always been very sexual person...) I mean I would have been totally willing to have a serious conversation about this but NOT AT A PUBLIC PLACE WITH STRANGERS ALL AROUND??? I was mortified. (this is also why I stopped going to nice bars... i used to enjoy them. After my early 20s, I didn’t drink to get drunk but I loved visiting creative bars and having a nice drink or two... well... not anymore lol)  Again, these are not even 50% of all that happened with this person. .... honestly this relationship caused me so much issues personally I haven’t even begin to solve. It’s actually to the point I’m considering therapy. 

But yea... sure it may not be the biggest of things but sometimes I’m very resentful I can’t enjoy the series I used to enjoy because I just automatically have VERY negative emotions about it. Same thing with cosplay, a hobby I used to be very happily involved in to relieve stress. I now have this almost... fight or flight feeling when they are mentioned, i freeze... it sometimes feels like something is pressing down on your lungs making it impossible to breath.  

...And this is also why... I started tumblr and ended up seeking company of online people who doesn’t really know me because... yea now I’m avoiding my friends at this point or mutuals with this person since... well, everyone thinks she’s a very nice person, very good for me... because on surface level, yea she does really seem like she likes me, gets me all these nice gifts etc. They still comment from time to time about how I should be doing better. Treat her better. Because if someone screws up in a relationship, given my history and personality, its probably my doing. ...Okay. any normal situation, yea I would say that’s probably true but this? this was not... yea.

[allbeendonebefore]

I was kind of under the impression that this is just a widespread thing in Alberta, especially because of the Angus Reid fractured federation survey (I cant include the link here, but you can Google it, its from January 24th 2019). When got back into Hetalia, I imagined the dynamics kinda changed to this, which would be pretty bad tbh. I hope its not that aggressive in Alberta, I will never be able to go check tho, too expensive :( I loved the bad french btw

i see you guys sending these asks super late at night and i wonder whether any of you sleep - idk where you’re writing from and i may be on the west coast but are you guys ok wherever you are? I just woke up but I have my tea and if I’m not caffeinated now I surely will be as I answer this.

I’m sure I’ve seen the survey you’re speaking of before and before I address it in any specific detail I just want to back up and re frame Why I’m Being Like This in regards to recent events and my orientation towards answering these questions in terms of Hetalia the way I do, because I think it’s the heart of how I answer.

the tldr of it is:

1. I have an opportunity to make interpretations of reality in unexpected and challenging ways, therefore widespread opinions don’t govern anything but my stupid gag comics in the simple sense that if everyone was represented by widespread opinion alone all the time, nothing would change and

2. if i can answer dozens of asks about ralph and oliver hanging out there’s absolutely no reason I can’t answer asks about ralph and jean hanging out, lol.

3. If you’d like a shorter, more concise “vision statement”, I have one on @battle-of-alberta here. (although now I notice the links don’t work on mobile so you’ll have to be on desktop for that one)

I’m assuming this will be long so cut time

(and yes, alas, the bad french is my legacy and I’m afraid it has not improved much although i swear i was an A student when i was actually taking it) (and no please don’t visit now, purely for pandemic reasons, it would be really expensive And you’d have a bad time) (and talking to me is free lmao) (I do not mean to say that you need to have feet on the ground to understand a place at all, i mean, at the moment I don’t lol)

headings because I say a lot

what even is hetalia

At the most basic level, Hetalia is a tool that can be used in a variety of ways. It can be for memorization, current politics at a glance or historical relationships in different settings. I use it for all of these things, of course, I certainly use it a lot in comics that take place in the much more distant past in @athensandspartaadventures. When I was writing that, I was in undergrad and AaSA was a tool to help me pass my exams, I didn’t think of how it might be read or interpreted by people who have lived in or experienced those places these days, or what kind of political and cultural tensions it might reveal. (Not to say that it has gotten me into sticky situations, exactly, but I am more aware of where things like that would arise now).

These days I look back on a lot of my experiences - both in IAMP/Hetalia and just as a person, and I think that if Hetalia is a tool it should be used with some awareness of intention and responsibility. Things in the fandom have changed as it became more mainstream and more well known and I think there’s a definite worry about screwing up or not representing Everything or not pleasing Everybody or not doing it Right. I have a simple, insufferably academic principle.

(That said, yes, you can still do it very wrong if you write a methodology.)

Still, it’s a comfort to me that I’m just doing the things the way I say I’m going to do them, and that is the underpinning of Inspired But Not Constrained By Hetalia. I don’t do things Himaruya’s way, I can’t do things the way IAMP would do them if it were running today because it’s not and things have changed, all I can do is do them how I would do them.

I have hurt people in the past because they sometimes couldn’t tell whether I was writing From an Albertan Perspective or not, and I’ve evoked some preeetty spicy comments over the last decade, and I realized that tone and perspective are something that really shapes how people understand and interact with my work and I’m trying to use that understanding in a conscientious way)

what even is alberta

So when you’re me and you’ve grown up in a province that is the Angriest in the country and the most Misunderstood in the country and the most Entitled in the country and nobody outside of maybe Saskatchewan has a good thing to say about you half the time and maybe you’re tired of that... you get kind of depressed thinking about how every year some kiddo comes on the internet ready to be excited about making or celebrating characters that represent themselves and No Matter Where They Go running into everyone else’s negative impressions first and foremost.

We joke about how everyone hates Toronto, though I’ve always understood it in a teasing way because I’ve never ACTUALLY met someone (outside of our current legislative assembly) who REALLY hates Toronto, but it does feel like I’ve encountered (directly or indirectly) people who do Genuinely hate Alberta and hoo boy is That a strange feeling. I mean, there’s an understanding that BC also ‘hates’ Alberta but half the people in BC are originally from Alberta so it’s a, uh, different feeling.

The story of Alberta from everywhere else is always the story of that Angus Reid article and the memes and comments and listicles that spin out around mainstream media. Alberta is giving too much. Alberta is getting too little. Alberta is too stupid to understand that equalization payments are a good thing actually, and Alberta is too dumb to understand you don’t really need EI if you make enough money in six months to own a house and multiple vehicles Just Because you own a house and multiple vehicles. Alberta is destroying the environment for everybody. Alberta has a huge concentration of white supremacists. Alberta is the Texas of Canada* and has the conservative streak and bible belt to match. Alberta should get annexed by the US. Oh, but Banff! We like Banff, though.

And like I said, politicians use these widespread feelings to stir up the sentiments of people who can’t afford to travel, people who are naturally suspicious of mainstream news, people who have barely even left their hometowns let alone the province and have no other means of validating what they hear, but people who’s emotions are genuinely tied to real feelings of alienation that really exist and HAVE existed for generations. And when the so-called “laurentian elites” in ontario and quebec make fun of them for being uneducated red necks, well, you hit a wasps nest and expected what, exactly?

what even am i doing

And like I’m faced with this question every day I decide to pick up my stylus and badger you all with unsolicited comics: do I want this to continue? Do I want to wear the mask that fits? Do I want to stand aside and say #notallalbertans #notlikeotheralbertans and stand over here on the island** patting myself on the back for not? being? there? Do I say yes, you’re right, and stand aside and watch loud mouth white supremacists co-opt wexiters and let them lead the perception of the province I grew up in just because that is what’s currently happening? Do I acknowledge the widespread sentiment and then pick apart every other province to say Well Actually You’re Equally Problematic Hypocrites, So There?

Obviously I’ve been saying no for a while. I’m perfectly happy to acknowledge the reality and when I draw stupid gag comics like this or this you can tell (hopefully) from my style that it’s tongue and cheek. When I draw less stupid not-gag comics like this or this I am trying to explore the Real Sentiments in a way that doesn’t completely polarize the issue and spin it out of control. I’m more of the opinion that even though Current Sentiments do get in the way that as personifications they 1. have some perspective and as people they 2. have some interest in not throwing out a friendship that was a struggle to build up every time the polls change or some new radical party seizes power. I do a lot of research and I want that to be reflected in my understanding of each characters deep seated beliefs and motivations, but I don’t want to let either the history or the current realities dictate the future if I am going to try to do that myself. 

why even am i doing it for

So like really the heart of the matter is: I am writing what I write for my thirteen year old self. She was the me who moved back to Canada from the United States, who’s first introduction to living there was a hellish surge of nationalism after September 11th. Who’s defense against that was to hide behind a shield of Canada is Better, Actually and who returned to Alberta during the boom years to realize that, oh wait, the rest of the country thinks we’re assholes just like they think the United States is. Who spent her teenage years learning that, boom or bust, the widespread sentiment in and out of the province is just as narrow, shortsighted, self interested, and stubborn as her own fiction of What Canada Was Supposed to be Like. Who learned that propping up that image at the expense of her friendships was not worth it, that propping up that image at the expense of people who are suffering and dying under that image is not worth it. Who found herself rehashing the same sort of gut reaction defensiveness online because the Guilt and Apologizing on behalf of her province compared to others felt Really Heavy for a kid who didn’t have any clue what to do about it and was just there to have fun and learn some stuff.

So I’m writing for anyone else who finds themselves exhausted and saddened by coming online and seeing that the only way that people can imagine Alberta is as an antagonist. I’d like to challenge everyone to start to imagine it better. It’s my little “escape” from reality, and for me it’s much easier to talk to people here where the stakes aren’t as high and the grievances a little less personal.

I’m also writing (in a more secondary way) for everyone who’s ever looked at alberta from afar and wondered What is going On inside your Head and is it always This

(no comment at this time)

as always, I’m here to explain At The Very Least what goes on in My head because at the end of the day, that’s all I can do. And though there are some things that make me angry and emotional, I’m happy to explain why. Happy to answer asks or chat on discord or whatever, any time I have the time. :)

footnotes

*This is just a footnote to say something I didn’t want to interrupt the flow of my comments, but this is an annoyance that me and my Texas Tomodachi share lol

**You’ll notice angry Albertans online have a favourite tactic, and that’s pointing out hypocrisy. They can justify A N y T h I n G by calling another province a hypocrite “so there” (i.e. BC can’t claim to be environmentally conscious because of Victoria’s sewage problem or Site C) - and while I am interested in shattering the image of Alberta vs. the Perfect Rest of Canada a little bit, I feel like it’s a very lazy argument that is used to deflect and not to help. I think it is more useful to unpack the sentiment of Why Alberta Still Feels Taken Advantage of rather than mudslinging, and when the mud starts flying no one seems interested in addressing problems anymore.

[eloquent-music]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE: MUN & MUSE

Fill out & Repost ♥ This meme definitely favors Canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore and Lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multimuses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

Tagged by: @polyhexianchicken​

Tagging: anyone who wants to do it!! Just go ahead and say I tagged you

> Putting under a read more bc of the length <

MY MUSE IS.   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless

* is your character popular in the fandom? YES/NO

* is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES (from what i see from a lot of people in the fandom including myself)/ NO / IDK.

* is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

* are they underrated?  YES ( I believe there’s more depth to him that some don’t see) / NO.

* were they relevant to the main story?  YES (Sorta?) / NO.

* were they relevant to the main character?  YES (Kinda sorta esp to Megatron) / NO

* are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO.

* how’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

HOW STRICTLY DO YOU FOLLOW CANON?

I try my best to follow canon as best as possible. I do put in my own twists here and there.  I have added things into his character have been shared later on through Tweets on Twitter from Jro and Milne. I take their portrayals and incorporate them into my Tarn. For example, Milne said that Tarn was Pharma’s new lover and they had a special relationship and since I’m weak for that pairing I really wanted to incorporate that in. Also Red doesn’t help we both feed into each other ilu <3  ALL IN ALL though, I do like to keep him canon and not too much off character to where he isn’t Tarn anymore. I want him to be Tarn not someone else

SELL YOUR MUSE! (aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutual.)

I could sell Tarn for hours and a few friends know this very personally. IM SORRY. ANYWAYS. Some may find what I love about Tarn to not what they like but it’s my opinion on him! So here goes.

I love his damaged nature (I’m sorry Tarn muse). I find his addictions interesting, even though they weren’t technically shown in the issues. It’s part of who he is from who he used to be (however they came about). I will always love his flaws and I enjoy showing those sides of him so be aware that I will show his addictive personality (through Transformation, Nuke abuse, and murderous tendencies).

Which brings me to... His murderous/torturous nature. We see killers a dime a dozen in the series but to be a leader of a torturous group? Like that’s pretty rad and completely different from a lot of other characters. Can you tell I like the baddies? sdifhoisdf This brings up this ONE side of him. He doesn’t like killing / taking part in the demises of SOME of their victims. Why? I think I may know the answer to that. Why does a mech like him want to advert his gaze while the others have their way with them. Talk about something deep we never got to understand that.

He has a soft spot for musical pieces, especially classical piano music. I love Chopin the most, so you’ll see me post that all the time!

He apparently loves pineapples and just I LOVE THAT SO MUCH UHG.

He’s a big tank with Daddy (Megatron) Issues! You gotta love it LOL  He’s got biolights literally everywhere. FLASHY

When he’s only around his team, he can be a little bit more calm even though he can drop it at the drop of a dime.

He’s a touch starved mech odifhsodif

NOW THE OPPOSITE! (list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?)

Even though I kinda sold him on this I thought I should mention it here too. I don’t think people find him interesting for how dark he is as a mech. Push aside everything and look at how purely evil he can be. He’s cruel. He’s torturous and very sadistic. He will thrive off of every little bit of pain you give him. He can be manipulative at times.

Tarn is a huge hypocrite. It shows so much throughout the comic issues if you really look at it. I show it a lot (he will deny it sometimes but don’t worry I know he’s one) Probably one of the biggest hypocrites in the whole 2005 IDW Series.

Tarn is easily-influenced and persuaded by certain situations (to not look weak) and mechs.

He is very easily angered from the smallest things.

He holds onto grudges

WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO RP YOUR MUSE?

I know I’ve been asked this before and when I’m asked again I forget the GOOD reasons why I was so inspired to write him so I hope i do okay this time around. Even though I know I will leave out the good shit. Idk why I just dont draft on what truly inspired me. Just watch, itll come a day later and I’ll add it in just wait and see

I started rp’ing him on here as soon as he debuted in the MTMTE series (i think it was back in 2013 or 2012?) I did kind of poof for a few years due to being so busy sdiufhs. Anyways, I fell instantly in love with his character. I loved his dark ways and how he was so drastically different of a villain. His musical tendencies. And how he could offline a mech with ONLY his voice? Like damn sing to me all day you Musical Angel. He is dark and mysterious. NOT TO MENTION, black and purple my favorite colors.

His design was flawless and MTMTE #7 sold me on who he was and from then on I just couldn’t stop loving this murderous tank. I love how Jro and Milne have come out later on to answer more questions about him and just I love him that much more. Looking back years later on it, I see a little bit of myself in him.  

WHAT KEEPS YOUR INSPIRATION

He’s pretty easy to flow out honestly. Just like my other muse I have. If he does struggle some, I just pop on some Chopin and he’s good to go. What really does keep me going more than anything is continuously exploring who he is as a mech and as a Decepticon. I want to know so much about him literally everything. Even though I could write headcanons all day and drabbles too, I love making him interact with others to find that personality.  It’s really just my never-ending curiosity for him.

SOME MORE PERSONAL QUESTIONS FOR THE MUN.

* do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO. ( i hope I do! )

* do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO.

* do you sometimes write drabbles? YES / NO.  ( i love writing drabbles!!!)

* do you think a lot about your muse during the day? YES / NO.

* are you confident in your portrayal?   YES / NO.

* are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO. (Most of the time, I know sometimes I mess up and its honestly just me not seeing it for whatever reason. Im so sorry if my replies come through scattered sidfhfs)

* are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO. (Not really at all. I don’t get offended or anything but certain things can bug me)

DO YOU ACCEPT CRITICISM WELL ABOUT YOUR PORTRAYAL?

Only if its constructive criticism. I love it when friends bounce ideas or talk to me about him. I will take into consideration of changing him slightly from only my close friends and that’s because we’re close. I will not change my character for anyone because they don’t like how I portray him because he is my portrayal of him, not yours.

DO YOU LIKE QUESTIONS, WHICH HELP YOU EXPLORE YOUR CHARACTER?  

I love all the questions you all send him, either on anon or not. Even the most awful ones! Tarn may not like them but most I find absolutely hilarious. I think the more personal questions really help for exploring who he is or if I post drabble prompts, go ahead and send me one! Even if I dont send in one and you wanna know more about him I will try my best to respond to it.

IF SOMEONE DISAGREES TO A HEADCANON OF YOURS, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?  

This is a hit or miss question. I don’t really want to exactly know why unless if I ask you personally on it (which is usually just between close friends because sometimes I just aint thinkin straight). I don’t mind bouncing off ideas but ishdfoisdfh i really truly don’t know the answer to this one

IF SOMEONE REALLY HATES YOUR CHARACTER, HOW DO YOU TAKE IT?

I honestly don’t care. People won’t like every character out there and that’s just part of being human. I understand why people would hate his character in the series in all honesty. But I love him for all his flaws.

I don’t blame people for hating Tarn but I do not want hate sent to me. That is unacceptable and not okay. You don’t have to like my portrayal but please don’t shove it at me that’s just uncalled for. If your character hates him that’s totally different but don’t come attacking me for any reason.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE EASY GOING AS A MUN?  

I think I am. I’m usually fairly quiet. But once you get to know me, I am kinda strong on the goofy/funny side and a bit blunt/straight-forward sdoifhodsf. I tend to be really easy going and laid back. My personality has drastically changed since I’ve gotten into my mid-20s. I don’t like drama and dont wanna be apart of it.

[incaseyouart]

-Voltron S08 thoughts-

Honestly this season was a bit of a mess, but there are enough posts floating around focusing on the negative aspects, and it’s just feeding the flames of rage, and I need to make myself feel better, so here are some of my personal positive thoughts/coping thoughts. Mega S08 spoilers and long post ahead. 

- Allura: I don’t accept that she truly died. Yes her body died, just like with Shiro, but her essence has been transferred into the cosmos. Into every reality. She helped save the multiverse. And I think at the end there, for some reason, the planet Altea came back. So she achieved her dream of avenging her people. And it was implied through the Blue lion and Lance’s Altean markings (tangent thought: Lance isn’t fully Altean, he just has the markings...) that she can still communicate, at least via energy/magic/whatever.

- Lance: He gets to spend time with his family helping on the farm, and helps to spread Allura’s message of hope and peace throughout the universe. Maybe he even becomes a teacher or something down the line. I am going to imagine that he can move on from Allura and find someone else to love (and objectively, the “next person in line” seriously could be Keith. There were enough romantically-charged Klance moments to support this.)

- Shiro: He found happiness and love. Yes we don’t even really know anything about this character (I think his name is Curtis?), but at least we SAW him in the show - he was on the Atlas team, in the background, and also clearly fell in love cheering Shiro on at the arm-wrestling competition I mean c’mon same. No but seriously, seeing a fully-animated, non-censored full-on kiss between two men in a mainstream Netflix cartoon is a BIG. DEAL. The team must have worked hard to get that. At least it wasn’t another Korrasami, where fans weren’t even sure if Korra & Asami were truly in a relationship because of how rushed it was. 

- Hunk: He’s a cinnamon roll version of Gordon Ramsey traveling around the galaxy facilitating diplomacy with the power of food? Fuck yes. And it looks like Shay is with him too? Even more yes. Can’t really complain much about him. 

- Keith: He’s out there lookin’ fine helping his people with his mom and newly-acquired father in Kolivan (you can’t fight me on this). And who knows maybe after a few years of traveling and relief efforts he can vacation on a certain flower farm and help a certain man fall in love again I mean... Also I’m really glad they didn’t force Axca/Keith. She was there in the background helping him out, but so were Zethrid and Ezor (who btw I am glad are back together and didn’t die but also couldn’t Ezor have gotten more than one line? Did the OG VA leave?) 

- Pidge: Okay she wore a suit to Shiro’s wedding. Yes I’ll take it. Also she seems like a really badass tech person who can build robots? Awesome. I really liked what we saw of Pidge this season. 

- Lotor: Okay this isn’t really a positive per se, but I just need to get it out. I think I feel the most betrayed by how they treated Lotor. His character arc was a rollercoaster, and it ended very badly. We had a glimpse of what his life was truly like... he was the Draco Malfoy/Zuko who never had a chance of redemption. He tried his hardest, even admitting that being nice and working with indigenous populations works better than autocracy/annihilation, but his Dad was like “lol nope” and literally obliterated his dreams. Yes he did horrible shit, but honestly? I can see why. Holy fuck. And them showing that one shot of Lotor’s melting corpse was just... not necessary or appreciated. Anyways I’m glad we got to see cute baby Lotor but wow at what cost.

- Ryan/the other pilots: The vlogging episode was amazing. Fact. Also James face-planting into his food? Choice. 

General good story things/HCs: 

- Keith knifing his way out of being stuck on the “It’s a Small World” ride? Hilarious. 

- The really nice moments between Keith & Lance. They openly acknowledged their bond. Keith without any sarcasm told Lance how much he means to him, and everyone else, and it was just really nice to hear and see. I really think they would have a strong relationship going forward. 

- Zethrid & Ezor redemption. Kinda. 

- All the throwbacks to earlier characters and some loose ends being tied up. 

- Cosmo getting fucking huge. 

- Keith being a leader of the BoM (his outfit at the end implied so).

- Allura & Bob can be cosmo-energy buddies and run the game show together and get into all sorts of shenanigans. Idk it’s an interesting thought.

- The team meeting up every year to honour Allura, and each time they have cool stories to share about how successful and peaceful and happy they are, goddamnit. 

TLDR: Despite everything bad that happened with this show, I still had a lot of fun watching it and experiencing the fandom and all the content created because of it. I made friends, strengthened established bonds, felt like I was part of a huge community, feasted my eyes and ears with amazing animation and music, and generally had a good time. This fandom was honestly the best mess I’ve ever been apart of, and I hope it lives on. We can all heal each other with our own content. It’s been an honour flying with you all :)

[gaylotusthatexists]

Flightless - Chapter Seven

Fandom: Sanders Sides 

Pairings: Eventual Moxiety, Platonic Prinxiety

Word Count: 2260

Notes: hey, i am so so sorry for the long wait for this chapter. life has been hectic with school and the month of december and exams and stuff, and also some other projects that i'm working on for y'all, but here is a chapter of flightless whilst i have the time (kinda) and motivation to write this. hopefully the next chapter shouldn't take too long haha. hope y'all enjoy :)

Tag List: @xx-fandom-potato-xx @trash-can-so-do-i @bunny222 @phantomofthesanderssides @everythings-coming-up-aces @unknownanonymousgirl @tinkslittlebelle @jani-bunny54 @noahlovescoffee @why-should-i-tell-youu2 @unicorndragon1-2-3 @ab-artist @journalanxiety @applecantbebothered @quietwords-loudthoughts @honeysucklingz

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Virgil leant back, with his foot propped up against the wall. He knew that Logan hadn't gotten home yet, since he had already flown up himself to see. So instead, Virgil had decided to stay down in the lobby for a while until Logan returned, which shouldn't be too long, hopefully. At the very least, it was entertaining to watch people walk around the lobby. People watching had always been one of Virgil's favourite past times.

A man with wings almost identical to Virgil's walked up to the desk at the front. Huge, beautiful white wings - looking at the man, he could almost see the appeal to those kind of wings. And, looking a little closer, Virgil could swear he saw hints of red around the feathers. Interesting - perhaps that dye-offer that Talyn had given to him didn't sound that bad.

But the longer Virgil stared at the man, the more he realised that things were not going well.

"Look, I-"

"I'm telling you, it's not dangerous at all," the woman behind the desk said, sounding almost exasperated. "If you want, we can get somebody to escort you round?"

"I don't need escorting!" the man exclaimed. "I need another way to get up there!"

"Look, sir, there's nothing we can do."

"Surely there's something-"

The woman just shook her head. "I'm really sor-"

"Don't apologise to me! Just fix the goddamn problem!"

There was silence for a moment. Everybody else in the lobby had set their attention on the two. Virgil couldn't help but wonder what the problem had been in the first place.

"Sir, if you're not going to be cooperative, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave," the woman finally said.

The man just stared at her in disbelief. "All of my things are up there. All my equipment, clothing, everything. Can you not even move me to another room?"

"That was the only room available, we've told you-"

"Do you even know who I-"

"Sir," she snapped, "please leave the building."

Completely silence fell upon the room. It was as if the entire world had just paused, stopped at that moment, like it was going to end then and there. Virgil held his breath. Until the man turned and left, and everything went back to normal.

His phone buzzed in his hands - a message from Logan.

16:49 Logan: I've arrived at home.

Virgil glanced over at the stairs, and then out the door. He couldn't help but feel as if something was wrong. As if that man had needed help. As if Virgil needed to help him. Part of him just wanted to follow him out there and see if he was alright, if Virgil could help him. He had obviously had a problem, possibly something to do with flying, which Virgil knew all about. And the woman behind the desk hadn't attempted to help him in any way...

Then again, feeling as if something was wrong was just Virgil's constant state of being. Maybe the man would be fine and Virgil was just overreacting.

Unless...

16:52 Me: something happened down here, some dude got into some trouble or something, going to check if he is ok

Virgil put his phone back in his pocket and exited the building, looking around for any signs of that mysterious man. His phone buzzed again, but he ignored it, instead shooting up into the air and down the street. It didn't take him long to spot a familiar pair of white wings. The man had sat on a bench on the side of the street, his head in his hands.

"Hey," Virgil said, floating down to the floor. "You okay, dude?"

The man looked up and scowled. "What do you want? An autograph? Is it that hard to leave a guy alone?"

Virgil frowned, taken aback by his reaction. "Uh... I..." He cleared his throat. "I saw you back at the apartment block. Thought you, uh, might need some help, or something."

The man just stared at him. "So... you don't... you don't know who I am?"

Virgil blinked. "I've never seen you before today."

He let out a sigh. "You know, I've only come across one other person who hasn't recognised me."

"...okay?" Virgil looked him up and down - nothing out of the ordinary, nothing that sprung to mind. "What's your name?"

"Roman. And yours?"

"Virgil."

"Virgil," Roman repeated, smiling. "Hey, Virgil was the name of some Roman poet. Isn't that neat?"

Virgil blew a huff of air out his nose in what could loosely be described as a laugh. "Yeah, I guess that makes us basically soulmates."

Roman let out a hearty laugh. "Platonic soulmates, of course. Unfortunately, my heart belongs to another man."

"Oh really?" Virgil smirked. "And who might that be?"

Roman hesitated. "Well, uh, I'm not quite sure yet, but once I see him, I'll know."

Virgil sat down next to Roman, bringing his feet up onto the bench. "What, so you believe in love at first sight?"

"Of course." He smiled. "Why would you not?"

"I don't know. Maybe because love isn't that simple."

"Who said it was simple?"

"If you fall in love with someone after just meeting them, you're not in love." Virgil looked over at Roman. "You don't know the person well enough to understand your feelings. You have to... get to know them. Let it all happen naturally."

Roman hummed. "That sounds boring, though."

Virgil shrugged. "Can't argue with that. People are hard." He set his feet back down on the ground. "Anyway, I came here to see if you needed help."

Roman groaned. "Look, what happened back there was not my fault. I specifically told the management there that I needed a room with access from the stairs."

"Why? Surely with those amazing wings-"

"I'm not the best flyer," he interrupted, "and you'd better not tell anybody that." He sighed. "I just... What would they do if that exact same situation happened to a person without wings?"

"They'd probably kick that person out," Virgil said, without even thinking. "I mean, in my experience-" He caught himself before continuing, realising what he was about to say. "-from, uh, watching other people, the guys in that place are always giving wingless people dirty looks, and stuff. It sucks, y'know?"

"Ha, tell me about it." His eyes widened. "I-I mean, it does suck. Like, those people have done nothing to deserve that."

Virgil tried to shake away the feeling that Roman was hiding something, instead plastering a smile onto his face. "Glad we can agree. But, uh, we should probably tried to fix this problem of yours."

Roman took a deep breath in, and let a deep breath out. "How? I can't just walk back in there. And I can't explain it, either. If they- If they find out why I can't fly up there, my whole career could be ruined." He locked eyes with Virgil. "If anyone finds out that I'm-" he brought his voice down to a whisper- "not the best flyer, I'm basically dead."

"Okay, drama queen, we'll figure out a way to get you a room without letting out your biggest secret."

Virgil wondered for a moment why he was helping this stranger - having to get him up to the apartment without letting the secret get out seemed like a lot of work, which Virgil wasn't particularly keen on, and he still had no idea why it was so important that people don't know that this man couldn't fly well. Then again, when the two had first spoke Roman had seemed to act as if he was famous, or something. Like a lot of people knew who he was. And Virgil wouldn't have been surprised if his wings had something to do with the fame, since Roman cared so much about them. Whatever the case, he didn't want to let this man down, and Virgil had no idea why he felt that way.

Virgil took his phone out of his pocket, noticing that he had received a fair amount of messages from Logan.

16:53 Logan: What do you mean? What happened?

16:54 Logan: I just saw you leave the building. Please message me to let me know if you're okay.

17:05 Logan: It's been over ten minutes and you still haven't responded, are you okay?

17:06 Logan: Wait, I just heard that there was some problem with some singer down in the lobby, is that anything to do with what's happening?

Virgil glanced up at the time - 17:24. Logan hadn't sent him anymore texts.

Roman leant over Virgil's shoulder. "Who's that?"

Virgil jerked his phone away. "A friend. He lives in the apartment block that you were just in."

"A friend, huh?" He wiggles his eyebrows.

"Yes!" Virgil exclaimed. "A friend! Nothing more!"

Roman looked almost disappointed. "Well, if he's just a friend, why were you in the lobby?"

"I was waiting for him to get home. To visit him. Y'know, like friends do." He began to type out a response.

"And why are you texting him now when we should be figuring out how to get me into my apartment?"

Virgil pressed 'send'. "To see if he can help."

17:26 Virgil: hey lo. idk if it's that singer guy you were talking about but he needs helps. any chance i could bring him back to your apartment?

Roman skimmed through the message. "You think this guy can help?"

Virgil shrugged. "He's dedicated his entire life to helping people who, uh, 'aren't the best flyers', I guess. I'm sure he'd be more than happy to help."

His phone bleeped, signalling a reply from Logan.

17:27 Logan: I suppose I can see what I can do. Feel free to bring him up.

"And look at that, he said yes. Let's go." Virgil stood up and lifted himself into the air, beginning to make his way down the street. Roman looked up at him, helplessly.

"Hey, uh, Virgil?" he called. "Remember how I said that I 'wasn't the best flyer'? And how you said this guy 'helps out people who aren't the best flyers'?"

Virgil turned around. "Oh, right, uh..." He held out his hand. "Here, I'll help you."

Roman frowned. "You'll... what?"

"Take my hand and I'll help you fly up there."

"Why are we flying there?" he asked. "Can't we just walk?"

"I'd rather not risk walking into the lobby with you and getting kicked out again. We can reach my friend's apartment without walking through the building."

"But I can't fly."

"You can if you're holding my hand."

"What if you drop me? What if I'm too heavy?"

Virgil sighed, and landed on the pavement. "Look, I was the best flyer in class at school. I'm the best flyer in my family, in my friend group, even in my university class now. I'm training to do search and rescue in the airforce, which literally requires helping people who struggle to fly by helping them to fly to get out of danger, which is basically what I'm offering to do now. So-" he held out his hand- "do you trust me?"

Roman took in a deep breath, clearly still unsure, but took his hand anyway. "Okay. Off we go?"

Virgil smirked, and shot into the air, dragging Roman along behind them. They soon came high enough to feel the cool wind against their faces, to feel the breeze stroking through their hair, through their wings as they surged forward. Glancing over at Roman, Virgil noticed that he was smiling, laughing with glee. Maybe Roman had never experienced this before. Maybe he couldn't fly at all, and this was his first experience in the air. Virgil knew how special that could be.

"This is amazing!" Roman exclaimed. "Is this how it always feels? Why don't people talk about this more?"

"Most people take flying for granted," Virgil replied, slowing down a little to allow himself to navigate the city. "They forget how fantastic it can be. Which is why people who struggle with flying probably have it better - they never forget the feeling."

Roman hummed. "But people who can fly actually get to do this."

"True. But when those who can't always are finally able to, they find it to be the best feeling in the world." He looked back at Roman. "Speaking from personal experience."

Roman frowned. "I thought you said you were a good flyer? The best flyer, actually."

Virgil nodded. "Yeah. But also I have an issue that means sometimes I can't fly. I'm working on it, trust me, but on days like this when I can fly to my hearts content..." He smiled. "I can never forget how great it feels."

Why he was opening up to this complete stranger, Virgil didn't know. But what he did know was that he could trust this man, and if he wanted to help him, Roman would have to trust him as well. If that wasn't a good reason to tell Roman the truth, Virgil didn't know what was.

If he was able to open up to Roman so easily, then surely he could do the same to Patton. That was it - he had to tell Patton, tonight.

The two landed on Logan's balcony, Roman still smiling like crazy. But then when he stepped into the apartment and laid eyes on Logan, his smile faded.

"Logan? The guy from the theatre? Is- Is that you?"

Logan raised an eyebrow. "Prince Roman. Fancy seeing you here."

[digiauthorenergize]

This is a stress rant post. There are a myriad of sister updates that I’m sure people don’t care about but it’s fun gossip so I’ll put them under the cut. The sister updates will be followed by and interspersed with a bunch of personal ramblings that I was going to put in the tags but instead I decided to put all the positive stuff in the tags because no one should need to dig through this negative post to find the positive stuff going on. 

Do people trigger warning their rant posts outside of the tags? Is that a thing? I’m going to do it. TWs for my sister and her husband continuing to be garbage and Anxiety and like, old psudo-anorexia habits I had but idk it’s fine. 

So she had her baby! yay! he’s cute and good and healthy and it’s been a few months (like 4?).  We had a bonding moment a few hours before she gave birth, her husband (he’s still a huge ass more on that later) was asleep on the couch and I was sitting with her on her bed watching some absolutely garbage show and she said she was sorry. And it was genuine and soft and the stuff of hurt/comfort fics cause she was like ‘I shouldn’t have yelled at you and I shouldn’t have moved out like that. You were right and I’m sorry.’ and I just rubbed her head a little and said something that essentially meant ‘I’m still working through it, but we’re cool’.  And I thought for real we were good! That like, we were going to start having a normal relationship again and stuff! And then everything got exposed. 

First she had to get over her ppd (which is a very good thing but also allowed all the exposure that’s following all this) with required a lot of help and support from our mom who’s too good for her honestly. Literally our mom is too good for her. It’s so frustrating because on the one hand she needs the help and I get that, she’s always needed the help and all the attention and I get it. I do. but it doesn’t change any of the bs she’s been and continues to put our mom through. Mom’s paying for everything for the baby: diapers, formula (she’s not breast feeding for reasons that are further down and it makes me want to scream), clothing, all of it. She was coming over every day mom was off work for a while. She still comes over a lot, but it’s not just cause she likes the help. My mom is doing everything she can for my sister and called me last nigh saying she feels like a failure as a parent and it’s not fair because mom did a great job with the two of us honestly and just cause my sister can’t make a good decision to save her soul shouldn’t be a reflection on my mom. I’m functional (mom said she thinks I’m smarter than she is and that’s something my ego does not need to hear right now cause lemme tell you what I know I’m being judgy from this pedestal atop of which I sit). I look at all my options and make decisions carefully. I watch my funds like a hawk because I’m a grown ass adult and I don’t want to have to ask my parents for help (I’ve managed not to use any of my severance package from getting laid off in April <<did I ever mention that here? I got laid off in April so I stepped up at my second job so I wouldn’t be without healthcare and stuff. Also also internalizing that ‘I’m the good daughter’ mantra is NOT GOOD STOP IT.>>  and a huge part of that is my fiance being able to handle the utilities so I can focus on my own bills (my part of the rent, groceries, phone/car/etc). Just cause one of us is a hot mess doesn’t mean she did anything wrong as a parent! She did a great job! Or we’d both be messes! But I super digress. 

((Mom and I also had a talk about whether or not she should report the whole situation detailed below this line to CPS, and my opinion was ‘technically you should be talking to a professional about this not your daughter, but yes’ and she said she was going to talk to one of the social workers at work about it so))

My sister’s husband is using opioids. again. He hasn’t done any of the parole stuff he was supposed to do after he got caught with them the first time (re: my other long ass personal posts cause I don’t know how to keep rant shit and fandom shit away from each other) and he had 3 years to do them, so his FEDERAL DRUG POSSESSION CHARGE is going to go on his RECORD. **insert all of the frustrate at the stupidity of it all facepalms here like, i can’t even** Apparently they haven’t paid their rent in months and so they got an eviction notice over the long weekend, they’re like over 10k in credit card debt (and it’s all in her name I’m sure cause she had good credit before she married this dumbass), and APPARENTLY last winter they were so far behind on their electric bill after heating their apartment with the OVEN because their heater was broken (and they couldn’t tell their landlord because they were already behind on their rent) the company made them pay the bill in CASH. like. what the fuck??? We found all this out from his mom (who’s very nice but also very nosy) over the last holiday weekend where my mom took the baby for a few nights so that my sister could go see some fireworks (and you know, have some fun) but ended up keeping him for a week and his mom had had the baby for the week before the holiday. like! what! and apparently she’s been smoking weed again which is why she wasn’t breastfeeding which, good, but also like. Logically I get it: she’s depressed? she smokes weed. We have a family history of addictive tendencies but whatever I get it, it’s her thing and whatever. but also!!! what!!! the hell!!! 

oof. 

And then on top of all that, I’ve been trying to Logic my way through my anxiety like I usually do but it’s just...not working this time. My usual method is to take whatever the feeling I’m feeling is, identify it, acknowledge it, figure out exactly where the root of that feeling in this situation is and deal with that. But half of this is wading through my sisters bs and there are only so many times you can say “you’re feeling this way in part because you feel like you’re morally/intellectually superior to your sister in a way that’s not great (tm) (but the data supports this response and then it’s off on a tangent)” and “through past experiences you’ve chosen not to address your emotional response, instead focusing on finding solutions and therefore are under equipped to deal with all these feelings (tm) and as you continue to try to suppress them so you can put on a retail face and ‘function’, they keep coming out as barely controlled bursts of chaotic energy that you usually channel into writing projects but as the bursts grow more unpredictable you’re anxiety is popping up to remind you of the unhealthy coping mechanisms we developed last time this happened but those don’t actually work the way you thought they did”. And then my anxiety comes in and says “yeah they do” and god if only they did work the way I tricked myself into thinking they did cause I could go back to only drinking my calories and eating a real meal once a day if that (for like family dinner or whatever) and with the way my schedule currently is I could and it would be so easy to just starve my anxiety again for like 10-12lbs but that’s when you start being able to really see my ribs and that’s not great fam and I’m not going to go down that road again we’re riding it out this time damn it. 

I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve made 2 new music playlists. One I use to calm down when my anxiety spikes, it’s got low-fi remixes and different grounding techniques and is super chill. The other is literally ‘ok, so you wanna have this anxiety attack? We’re Gonna Go??’ and it’s all stressful music. I’ve gotten to the point where I can crest and regroup in 12 minutes, and if I time the playlist correctly I can do the whole thing in the shower while I’m getting ready for the day so when I’m done I just have to get dressed and go. Which is also not great but whatever fucking works I guess?

Also big ass unrelated side note: I’ve come to the realization that I’m Ace, but not sex-repulsed, which was a thing I had to tell my fiance and he kinda gets it? But not really? Cause that’s really important to him and his sense of self-worth which is a whole other thing we’ll probably end up in couples therapy for, but we’re both willing to do that so. 

As soon as everything else settles down we’ll get to that. Which is what I’ve been telling myself about my emotions for years. As soon as this settles down I’ll try therapy again. As soon as I have health insurance that will actually make it affordable. As soon as I get settled. As soon as I have time (and then I over book myself). As soon as as soon as as soon as. 

I’m so annoyed with myself. But it’ll be fine.  Sunshine comes after some rain and you need some rain to grow.  

[earlgreytea68]

On the Anthropological Fandom Impulse

When I first got into fandom, I feel like I did it in the way that you hear about it: I watched a thing (for me it was always watching), and I loved it so much that I wanted *more,* and then I sought out fic, and then I waited to feel like I had something I needed to say about it. This is what people will traditionally tell you fandom is. 

But, Idk, as I’ve gotten older, I have shifted this. Fandom has become more of a habit, a general way in which I interact with creativity, rather than a specific reaction to *someone else’s* creative work. Which isn’t how fandom is traditionally defined but is how I do it, and I guess I’m writing this out to see how odd this is, and where this impulse comes from within me? 

Because it’s been a while -- a very long time -- since I consumed a piece of media that I loved so much I wanted to seek out the fic. I have tried. I have consumed all of the things that are big fannishly now. None of them really caught my creative spark. 

The first thing to catch my creative spark after Sherlock was in fact Inception. Not because I’d seen the movie (which I had seen, and barely remembered). But because the Inception *fandom* seemed kind of amazing. I read a fic, and then another fic, and then more fics, and then I was performing what I now call my Fandom Anthropology. I dug through historical layers, uncovering old rec lists, ending up on old LJ kinkmemes, letting them link me to other things, finding fanvids, going through meta, until I had assembled a picture of what I thought the fandom was doing, what the fanon conventions were, which pieces of canon were the most important. It was like settling into an entirely different mental location and mapping it out like a tourist. 

Since the Inception rabbit hole, I have always consistently come to a fic-reading rabbit hole not from the canon but from the fandom itself. I subscribe to authors on AO3, and whenever they update with a fic, I tend to click on it curiously. I am such that I can tell right away if I’m going to be caught by a ship or not. I’m actually fairly predictable in what I like, tbh. I’m sure you can pick up on my preferred OTP dynamic. :-) 

I read all recs sent to me, but not all of them necessarily hit me at the right time. And then suddenly something will catch me and I’ll just spend a little while devouring everything I can in that universe. I did that with Social Network RPF (which I revisited this summer and it remains delightful) and Sports Night (which was a show I’d been fannish about in the early 2000s before being fannish was the more organized thing it is today) and Marcone/Dresden from the Dresden Files (I read some Dresden Files many years ago, but left off before Marcone even entered the narrative) and for a little while I read a bunch of Raven Cycle fic (despite never having read a word of these books). There was a small attempt to explore BTS fandom but I found it a little impenetrable (I couldn’t get a handle on the characters); I also tried to read some One Direction stuff but mostly got distracted that no Harry Styles was like how he was in my head (Idek, I barely listen to One Direction, I have no idea where my very clear picture of Harry Styles came from, but I kind of think he’s a delight, he’s just my fave). 

But, anyway, the point of all of this is: I read fanfic these days not because of inherent interest in the canon but because writers I like are writing in it. And if I like the characters they write well enough, then suddenly I’ve opened up a ton more fic that I can read. As far as I can tell, I am treating fic as original writing. I come to it with little knowledge of the characters. All I know about it is its *genre.* And fic is definitely its own genre. I know the basic shape of everything that’s going to happen in every fic I click on, so I’m entirely reading because something about the characters have caught me. Not because of canon, but because of *fanon.* Because, Idk, so often it’s the fan artists who are really creating this marvelous complexity, and I feel like I’m just cutting out the middle man. And, once I’ve been caught by a dynamic, lucky me, it’s super-easy to find a million other ways to explore those characters. And the canon of them is entirely secondary to me in the first exploration, and then eventually becomes part of my excavation of what’s going on. 

Is this a weird way to do fandom? I feel like it might be. But also I don’t think it’s necessarily the *wrong* way. It might even have always been my preferred way, but before the age of AO3 and Tumblr, it was actually harder to jump between fandoms. I know you *could* do it on LJ, but I remember when I switched from DW to Sherlock, having to be like, “Hey, were are the Sherlock people on here? Where do I find them?” Whereas now it’s just all simpler to run productive searches that get you what you’re looking for. Or just asking on Twitter, “Hey, who knows anything about this fandom and wants to point me to the best fics?” 

This has been, for me, a far more reliable way to discover things I love than to sit around waiting for a canon to find me. I would never have randomly rewatched Sports Night last spring had a Sports Night fic not crossed my inbox. I would not be listening to nonstop Fall Out Boy had a random bandom fic not crossed my inbox. Fandom is the thing I use to introduce me to mainstream culture; not the other way around. 

And, tbh, I am kind of enjoying doing it this way. I guess the main thing I fear about it is that I probably miss canon the first time around, because it turns out I find myself letting the *fandom* seduce me in. So, like, I know Fall Out Boy songs, and even had friends in bandom, and paid, like, zero attention to anything fannish, until I started reading bandom fic, and then I had to perform Fandom Anthropology, and uncover old LJ posts and new Tumblr primers and long lyrical analyses (that are WAY better than any analysis of any FOB lyric on Genius, those analyses are...weird, Idk). 

So, Idk, in ten years I’ll probably finally get the huge appeal of the big fandoms today. There’s a possibility I’m bad right now, at this point in my creative life, at, like, being part of the *active* fandom formation part of things. Which I don’t say in a way to imply that I’m annoyed with myself, because I’m not. I am doing lots of original writing because that’s apparently what I’m in the mood for and life is too short to fight with the things you want to write about, and6 being part of an active fandom is a very different energy than just kind of passively enjoying a fandom. If that makes sense? And I think you just go through cycles. My most creative fic periods coincided with a lot of soul-searching transitioning in my life as I staggered into my career. I feel like I’ve finally got a bit of a handle on who I am? And that feels a little bit like it’s unlocked an original writing impulse within me that honestly had been dormant for many, many years. 

Which is all to say: Being creative is an all-over-the-place experience. If you roll with it, you never know where you’re going to end up. And the key, I think, is to learn to just go with it without judging yourself too harshly for it. There’s no wrong way to do creativity. I don’t think there’s a wrong way to do fandom, either (apart from being a bully, of course).  The universe is infinitely expanding.