#idk I don't really write poetry I just felt like writing this I hope you like it lmao

[hypotheticallyimmortal]

I'm sorry that sometimes all I can do is leave you with a torrent of half-felt, half-loved, "I love you"s

sometimes I don't really feel sometimes I don't feel real at all my emotions disconnected motions and emotions spliced by the motions of an antique film reel

I preach my love for you insistently yet I feel it, inconsistently I watch from a mountain out of reach from the love I preach

but sometimes my love is like a fountain out of breath, like we're on a mountain I want to kiss you until we're both gasping for air I want to run my hands through your hair just tasting the proof that you're there

and then I'm gone, haunted by emotions lost in a body gasping I feel like I'm grasping, at the story of the moment rasping it out, hoping you don't see, that you can't tell don't worry, it's not you, it's me I'm not the same, a switch has flipped I wanted to kiss you, why don't I want to kiss you

it's gone too far too fast too much the moment's passed I wanted to kiss you, why don't I want to kiss you I'm trapped in the box you call the moment you're suffocating me let go get off why do I miss you why can't I just fucking kiss you

I'm fluctuating an echo

I kissed you I missed you I loved you I'm gone

I wish for another moment where I can say I love you and mean it in the moment the same way you mean it because I love you

but it's a torment to love you I don't, I can't, it's not the same you're not to blame it's just because I- I'm lost in the moment

[lixies-favorite-cookie]

Pretty like poetry ◦ l.f

-felix always tended to hate the freckles that adorned his face, believing they were blemishes that deserved to be hidden under layers of foundation, but what will he do when you convince him that his freckles were pretty—pretty like poetry?

Paring◦ Lee Felix x Fem!Reader

Words◦ 2681

Genre ◦ Fluff with i think some hurt and comfort low on the hurt heavy on the comfort

Warnings ◦ Felix being kinda dramatic, he's also really insecure(felt), Weird dialogue (I wrote this half alseep please bare with me, babes), honestly there's nothing in here but some cute hurt and comfort where you spend the night at his house and you catch him barefaced🤷, spelling errors and shitty punctuation (you're on my page what's new).

A/N ◦ to all the people that say felix's freckles are like stars I promise I'm not targeting you guys I'm just yapping and that's what my brain came up with please don't like come at me 😭🙏 this is just a silly little fic I wrote to try to practice my "poetry" skills idk what half of this is but hey what can you do 🤷 also I really fuck with the mood board on this REMBER IF YOU LIKE IT PLEASE TELL ME I GET REALLY INSECURE ABOUT MY WRITING okay enough yapping for one night hope you enjoy pretty <3

Your relationship with Felix was still budding like a freshly planted flower, waiting for the petals to unfurl. You liked Felix. You really, really liked Felix, but there were still a few things you hadn't done with him yet, like bake brownies, sit under the stars while you secretly stared at him instead of the sky, shared an ice cream cone under the hot summer sun, but spending the night at his house was long past due, especially after the 4-hour movie night filled with giggles, kisses, and popcorn being thrown all over the place, your throat was still sore from the amount of laughing you two were partaking in. He made you feel safe, happy, loved, and that's all that matters right now, that, and when he shyly offered for you to spend the night, how could you refuse, with his red ears and fidgeting fingers making you just want to fold him up and stuff him in your pocket, never letting the gross evil world dull his sparkle.

You rub the towel over your hair before hanging it back up on the rack and walking out into the bedroom, fresh from your shower. You smirk, noticing the way his eyes widen, scraping over your body, adorned with the baggy clothes he lent you.

He isn't getting these back.

You flop onto the bed, bouncing into his arms.

"Hi darling," he beams, looking down at you with sparkling eyes and, well, sparkling cheeks too. You squint, wondering if what you were suspecting was true. As he tilts his face away from yours, you notice it in the glint of the light.

He still has his makeup on.

You furrow your brows. "Are you going to take your makeup off?" You ask, words feeling heavy on your tongue.

"Oh," his eyes linger away from yours. "No, I'm too tired," he smiles, but it's weak, fitting weird on his mouth. Concern worms its way into your bones.

“You shouldn't leave makeup on your face overnight, Felix; it can hurt your skin,” you say, carefully grazing a finger over his smooth cheek. He grabs your wrist gingerly, watching you with wide, glittering eyes.

“I just want to hold you right now. Can I do that?" You stare at him cautiously, debating whether you should press the issue further. “Please,” he whispers. You can tell in the soft hues of his irises; he's begging you to drop it, so you do, reluctantly, of course.

“Fine,” you sigh, your eyelids drooping as you pull the covers over your shoulders, shimming into the mattress to get comfortable. His muscular arm wraps around your waist, dragging you into his warm chest.

“Don't be mad, please,” he mumbles, leaving soft kisses on the top of your head. You turn over to face him, your brows turned in worry.

"I'm not mad, I promise Lix, I just don't want you to be uncomfortable.”

“Trust me, darling, I'm anything but uncomfortable, especially with my beautiful girlfriend lying in the same bed as me.” He tucks a stray piece of hair behind your ear. His deep voice makes your cheeks flare with heat, flustered beyond what should be scientifically possible.

“Will you stop trying to rizz me up and go to bed?" You shriek into his shirt, he chuckles, the sound rumbling from deep in his chest.

"Rizz is an interesting word to use; I like that, actually."

"Turn the light off." You whine, pulling the cloth over your eyes.

"Flustered, baby?" He teases.

Oh, it's on.

He wants to battle; he's getting the whole war.

You don't know what came over you as you snaked your hand under the hem of his tee shirt, running your fingers across the hard ridges of his abs. His breath hitches in his throat. You tilt your chin up, resting it on his chest.

“Flustered, baby?” Your tone is smooth and sultry, his eyes are screwed up, lip curled into his teeth.

“Baby,” he chokes as you slip your hand higher.

"You sure you don't wanna turn off that light?"

"Yep, yes, on that r-right now," he stutters, scrambling to turn off the lights, especially as heat crawls up his ears, flushing across his cheeks. You giggle as the room spills into darkness, butterflies filling your stomach when he pulls your head back on his chest.

"You know, I'm surprised I still have a neck with the amount of whiplash you just gave me. I mean, there you were, all red cheeks and all of a sudden boom! Fingers, abs, and me, red cheeks," he rambles, squeezing you closer. "Your duality is truly insane."

You chuckle, loving the way his body engulfs you, pulling you under the waves of warmth and slumber. Silence creeps between the two of you until-

“Thank you for staying,” He whispers.

"Always.” You manage to utter right before-

You

D r o w n.

You don't remember when you woke up or what got you to the bathroom; you just know you're there, and with the need to pee becoming pretty overwhelming without thinking, you go to turn the knob.

"Wait," Felix screeches, slamming his body against the door.

 “Fuck Felix” You jump back, your heart practically hopping out of your chest. You gasp, holding yourself onto the door frame. If you were even a little bit sleepy then, you are wide the fuck awake now, your heart still thumping wildly in your ribcage.

“I need to pee. Can I come in?”

“No! Don't come in here, please!” He begs.

“Why? Felix, you only have one bathroom; if we aren’t close enough to use the bathroom in front of each other, that's fine. I just really need to pee. Now, can I please come in?”

He stops, waits for a few moments.

“You can’t turn on the light, and you have to shut your eyes."

“Felix, what?” You ask, exasperated, almost ready to just open the door and make him explain why he's tripping balls over something so trivial as using the bathroom. “What's really going on?” You're met with silence before a small whisper lingers from behind the wood. You could almost see it, his insecure frame curled into itself.

"I'm barefaced." Your gaze softens

"Felix,” you chuckle, “do you really think I care about something like that, especially at this time of night I can barely see my toes, let alone you, please?” You beg, your voice airy and light trying to dull is anxiety for the sake of your bladder and his dignity. “I'm coming in.” You turn the knob, but its quickly met with the door locking.

"No, stop it, y/n, I'm serious."

"What's the matter with you?" You huff, annoyance creeping into your veins, no matter how hard you push it back.

"I'm not ready to show you what I look like without makeup yet, okay!" He snaps, aggravated over something that seems so trivial to you. He should know you would never care about something as shallow as his bareface. He's gorgeous, with or without makeup. You know that, apparently, he doesn't.

"Felix," You sigh, your voice Is laced with sympathy, hoping to coax him out of this insecure rut he has himself in.

"Please," You lean your head on the door. Sometimes you wish you could serve him your heart on a silver platter—show him that it will only ever beat for him. Then, maybe, it would be enough to prove that no matter what he looks like under all those layers of foundation, it will never be enough to cut the little red string that ties your souls together.

The gears of the lock click under your hand.

"Okay, ground rules, before you can come in-"

You groan, banging your forehead on the frame.

"Felix," you whine, "I'm not kidding, I really need to pee."

"Y/n please," he whimpers, a desperate tilt in his voice, you can almost taste the anxiety in his tone, you cave, your heart cracking in two.

"Okay… You can't laugh at me-" You scoff, folding your arms in front of your chest defensively.

"You know I would never do that I-"

"See that's the thing! No, I don't, okay, I don't, so it's taking everything in me to open this door, so, please," his voice cracks slightly, "just let me say my piece... no laughing, no comments," he stops for a second as though he's thinking up another bullet to add to the list. "O-Okay, I think that's all," he says, words tumbling out in a nervous rush. You hear footsteps moving away from the door.

"Is it safe to come in?" You ask.

"Yeah," he clears his throat, anxiously. You pull the door open carefully, easing your way into the threshold, acting like you're walking into an active warzone. As soon as you reach the edge of the door, a hand covers your eyes.

He doesn't know why he did it; in a nervous fit of insecurity, he slapped his palm over your face.

"Felix," you yelp, "what the hell!"

"I-Im sorry, I-I just-" He feels so stupid—so pathetic—wondering why hes acting so childish about something as simple his bare face.

"Felix, can you take your hand off my eyes." He knows you don't mean it mockingly, but the way you tilt your words like you're talking to a rabid dog or an anxious toddler, makes embarrassment rip in the pit of his stomach.

"Fine," he mumbles taking his hand off your face, "J-Just remember! No laughing and no comments, o-okay, promise me!"

"I promise." You mutter as your lashes flutter open.

His heart pounds wildly in his chest, eyes darting to the floor. The last fraying string of courage he's desperately grasping at is enough for his feet to stick to the floor, but definitely not enough for him to look into your eyes. Heat crawls up his cheeks under your gaze, curling into himself—he feels so foolish like this—anxiety flooding his stomach, making his hands shake behind his back, something so minuscule, and yet he's having such a physical reaction.

You assess him, taking him all in, and as your lingering gaze stays on his face for a few seconds too long, he wants to die, fold himself up a million times. Just enough so you wouldn't look at him like that, just so he could ease the burning sense of vulnerability that rages underneath his skin.

Why are you looking at him like that?

Why aren't you saying anything?

He really wishes he didn't make that no-comment rule because now you're here, and you're looking at him, and you're perfect, and you're not saying anything.

You raise a finger to graze the freckle, which just rests underneath the fragile skin of his eye. His breath hitches, flinching away from your touch.

"Your beautiful, Felix." you gasp, voice filled with sincerity.

what?

 The earth tilts on its axis as he stares at you like you're the biggest dummy on the whole planet.

"Really?" his voice trembles with the weight of his vulnerability. It shouldn't be this big of a deal; one simple Google search and you'd be flooded with images of a barefaced Felix, but seeing it in person seemed more real, more raw. It's easy to be vulnerable behind a screen of faceless, screaming fans, but when it's you, it's different. No matter how much your eyes fill with admiration, his thick skull can't seem to sink it in, the weight of his insecurity blocking all contact with the truth. 

For years, he was told that his freckles were blemishes—that his skin needed to be flawless, a pristine, perfect white; Grade school, trainie camp, JYP studios, every fan-sign, photoshoot, concert, and music video. It felt like everywhere he looked, he was being judged, but getting it from you would feel like a paper cut turned bullet wound. 

"Your pretty Felix, but, b-but-" You search for the words, but they can't seem to come to you, an unfathomable emotion sinking into your soul.

"B-But, but what?" he stammers, nervously wrapping trembling fingers around your wrist to pull your hand away.

"I don't know how to describe it" you whisper, brows scrunched in such a deep concentration it makes him sink into himself, wishing you weren't looking at him so hard, like he was a puzzle you were trying to solve. Time seems to blur between the two of you; nothing else mattering, but the beating of your heart and the words you are trying to weave together in an attempt to make a metaphor viable enough to suit what you are trying to express, but you always came up short—sentences seeming superficial, inept, under your careful consideration.

You always knew he had freckles, the way they would shine underneath thick layers of foundation when the sun hit his face just right; they had always reminded you of stars, but stars felt overused, worn out.

Stars died.

Stars faded.

Stars were a million miles away.

Stars were something physical, but what he made you feel wasn't physical, it was spiritual, it touched you unto the deepest depths of your soul, only a feeling some form of art could invoke. His freckles were unique, his freckles were little promises on the skin, little angel kisses.

He was pretty like poetry, cause poetry wasn't supposed to be perfect; it was supppsed to make you feel something.

"W-What?" he whispers, eyes shining with a deep form of admiration—pure joy dancing on his features like a weight had been lifted from his chest, and he could finally breathe again.

"Did I say that out loud?" you chuckle, your cheeks turning a light shade of pink, bashful about your cheesy insights. Your lips must have loosened when you searched too deep in your head, "S-Sorry," you stutter, suddenly feeling incredibly stupid for making such a statement.

You're pretty like poetry, what the hell does that even mean? You turn your head to dig it into his shoulder, groaning into his skin and wrapping your arms around his waist.

"Thank you for that." He whimpers, voice crackling with emotion as his lips linger on the top of your head. You don't realize he's crying until you feel water dripping on your hair, you reel your head back surprised.

"Oh my gosh, Felix!" you cup his face to wipe his tears; it was as though a button was switched in your brain to go into full comfort mode.

"I'm so sorry if what I said hurt you, I didn't mean-" you begin, your heart crumbling into a million little pieces in your chest, knowing that the words you threw around so carelessly hurt him. He interrupts you, softly holding your wrists in his hands.

"They're happy tears, I promise." He sniffles, wiping his cheeks with the back of his arm, "T-Thats just the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me" he hiccups.

"Maybe that's because everybody was too enamored with your beauty to know what to say?" He lightheartedly shoves your face away, pulling a giggle out of you. "If you don't shut up, you might just make me fall for you." You snake your arms around his neck, ghosting your lips over his, "and what if I want you too?" you whisper, sparks crackling between the two of you, "what if I already have?" you beam, finally pressing your lips to his.

Fiction always used to tell you that a true loves first kiss was all fireworks and electricity, but even fairy tales forgot to mention, when your lips lock for the first time it isn't just the fire that ignites your soul, no, it's the overwhelming feeling that you could be separated by raging seas, roaring oceans, stretches of time, lumps of land, you could be placed on different planets divided by spills of stars surrounding the milky way galaxy, and he would still find a way to love you. It was cheesy, yes, but it was Felix, and with Felix, everything felt like poetry, because poetry wasn't supposed to be perfect it was supposed to make you feel something.

[godsfavdarling]

It’s all you

my masterlist

+18!!!

pairing: Spencer Reid x male!reader words: 2k summary: You and Spencer just came back from your birthday dinner, and your boyfriend loves to quote poetry to you! warnings: smut, fluff, grinding, no use of y/n (idk what else) a/n: This was a request! I love the idea! This was my first time writing male!reader! I hope it’s kind of good? The poem Spencer recites is “The Hug” by Thom Gunn. I had fun writing this! I hope y'all like it! If anyone cares I promise I will eventually come back to my spencelle fic (maybe once the semester is over at my uni)!!! <3

The evening had settled into a comfortable quiet as you and Spencer lounged on the couch, the soft hum of the city beyond the window a distant murmur. The gentle light of the room cast warm shadows, adding to the intimacy of the moment. 

Spencer sat with his legs tucked neatly under him, a relaxed smile on his face as he looked down at you, your legs draped across his lap. It was just after midnight, and you had both just come back from dinner with friends.

"Tonight was really something," you said, your voice a low murmur. "I think it's been a while since we all let loose like that… Since you let loose like that."

Spencer chuckled, his fingers idly tracing patterns on your calf. "It’s your birthday," he began, his voice soft and contemplative. "I’m happy you're happy."

You smiled, feeling the warmth of his touch. "I’m happy. Very happy."

"Good," Spencer said, then leaned his head back, eyes on the ceiling as he spoke softly. 

“It was your birthday, we had drunk and dined

Half of the night with our old friend

Who'd showed us in the end

To a bed I reached in one drunk stride.

Already I lay snug,

And drowsy with the wine dozed on one side.”

You blinked, momentarily taken aback by the sudden poetry in his words. "Huh?"

Spencer looked at you, his eyes filled with a tender sincerity. "It's a poem. Made me think of this moment right now."

You felt a shiver run down your spine, both from Spencer's words and the way his hand absentmindedly traced circles on your thigh. There was something about Spencer that captivated you. 

Most people wouldn't expect him to quote romantic poems; they saw only the genius profiler, the encyclopedia of facts. But you knew the truth. Beneath his brilliant mind and analytical exterior, Spencer Reid was a romantic through and through.

He was perfect in his own unique way. His tousled hair, always slightly disheveled, and the way his eyes sparkled with excitement whenever he talked about something he loved, made your heart race. 

Spencer had a certain charm, an endearing blend of intellect and innocence. He was often clueless about the effect he had on you, and others, for that matter. His gestures of affection were genuine, uncalculated, stemming from pure love and admiration.

He had never harbored ill intentions; his love was pure and unwavering. He was the type to remember the smallest details about you (whether he wanted to or not he would always remember but still it was sweet).

As you lay there, your legs draped over his lap, you couldn't help but feel incredibly lucky. Spencer's hand continued its gentle patterns on your thigh, his touch a soothing reminder of his presence. He looked at you, eyes filled with a tenderness that made your heart swell.

"You know," you began, your voice soft, "most people wouldn't consider you a romantic."

Spencer's brows furrowed slightly, a hint of confusion in his eyes. "Really? I never thought about it…”

You smiled, reaching up to gently brush a strand of hair from his forehead. "That's because you don't see yourself the way I do. You have this incredible way of making everything feel... special. Your love, it's like poetry in motion."

A faint blush crept up Spencer's cheeks, and he ducked his head, a shy smile playing on his lips. "I just... I want you to know how much you mean to me. Sometimes words are all I have."

You leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. "And your words mean the world to me, Spencer. You mean the world to me."

Spencer's eyes softened, his hand still tracing gentle patterns on your thigh. "You mean the worlds to me," he whispered.

You both laughed softly, the warmth of the moment making everything feel even more special.

"Do you remember the rest of that poem?" you asked, a mischievous glint in your eye as you shifted your position, straddling Spencer's lap.

Spencer's smile widened, his hands instinctively moving to your hips. "You know I do," he said, chuckling softly.

Your heart skipped a beat at the way he looked at you, a blend of love and amusement. "Then, tell me. Start over." you urged, leaning in closer until your faces were just inches apart.

Spencer's eyes sparkled with the familiar light of his vast memory, but now there was something more—an awareness of the intimacy of the moment. 

"It was your birthday," he began again, his voice low and velvety.

“We had drunk and dined

Half of the night with our old friend

Who’d showed us in the end

To a bed I reached in one drunk stride.

Already I lay snug,

And drowsy with the wine dozed on one side.”

You felt a shiver run down your spine, both from his words and the way his hands gently squeezed your hips. There was something incredibly hot about the way Spencer quoted poetry, the way the words flowed effortlessly from his lips. He had never thought about it that way, but it drove you wild.

“I dozed, I slept. My sleep broke on a hug,

Suddenly, from behind,

In which the full lengths of our bodies pressed:

Your instep to my heel,

My shoulder-blades against your chest.”

"That's so hot," you murmured, unable to resist pressing your lips to his. The kiss started soft and tender, but quickly deepened as the heat between you grew. Spencer suddenly broke it and continued.

“It was not sex, but I could feel

The whole strength of your body set,

Or braced, to mine,

And locking me to you

As if we were still twenty-two”

You couldn't help but be drawn to the soft, now raspier timbre of Spencer's voice. It was like music to your ears, a melody that stirred something deep within you. With each whispered word, each gentle breath, you felt yourself falling further under his spell.

As Spencer's hand continued its soothing motion on your thigh, you leaned in closer, your lips trailing feather-light kisses along his neck. You could feel the heat rising between you, a slow burn of desire that intensified with each passing moment.

His hands found their way to your waist, pulling you closer as you continued your ministrations. His touch was electric, sending shivers down your spine and igniting a fire within you. You moved your hips in time with your kisses, a silent rhythm of passion and longing.

“When our grand passion had not yet

Become familial.

My quick sleep had deleted all

Of intervening time and place.

I only knew

The stay of your secure firm dry embrace.”

Spencer's breath hitched as your lips found that sweet spot just below his ear, and you reveled in the small gasp that escaped his lips. Lost in the moment, you let yourself be consumed by the heady sensation of being so close to him.

You could feel his heart pounding in his chest, matching the rhythm of your own. He broke the kiss just long enough to look into your eyes, his breath coming in soft pants. 

"I never realized poetry could have this effect," he admitted, a hint of wonder in his voice.

You smiled, your hands cupping his face. "It's not just poetry, Spencer. It's you. The way you speak, the way you touch me... It's all you."

Spencer's eyes darkened with desire, and he pulled you into another kiss, more passionate than before. His hands explored your body with a newfound confidence, his touch sending sparks of pleasure through you.

With trembling hands, you began to unbutton Spencer's shirt, your fingers fumbling slightly with each small button. His breath caught in his throat as you peeled away the fabric, revealing the expanse of his chest beneath.

Spencer's touch was gentle yet firm as he helped you remove his shirt, his fingers grazing your skin with an electric intensity that sent shivers down your spine. With each article of clothing shed, the desire between you burned hotter, a relentless flame threatening to consume you both.

When it came time to remove your pants, you reluctantly pulled away from Spencer's embrace, causing him to emit a soft sigh at the loss of contact. You couldn't help but smile at his reaction, the affectionate gesture only fueling your desire further.

Quickly, you shed your own clothes, feeling a rush of exhilaration as you stood before Spencer completely exposed, completely vulnerable. 

But there was no fear in that vulnerability, only a deep sense of trust and intimacy that bound you together. With a shared understanding of each other's desires, you quickly helped Spencer shed his pants, eager to feel his skin against yours once more.

As the last barrier between you fell away, you were left completely exposed, your bodies laid bare before each other. But in that moment, there was no room for self-consciousness or doubt, only the raw, unbridled passion that pulsed between you.

With a hunger that bordered on desperation, you lowered yourself back onto Spencer's lap, his hands finding purchase on your hips as he pulled you closer. 

The heat of his skin against yours sent sparks flying. And as your bodies came together in a tangle of limbs and desire, there was no room for doubt or hesitation, only the overwhelming need to be as close to each other as humanly possible.

You started to move your hips, the urgent rhythm of your movements causing your now hard cock to graze against Spencer's. He hissed in response, the sensation sending a jolt of pleasure coursing through both of you.

“You okay?” you asked, your voice laced with concern as you pressed closer to him.

“Yes, please keep going,” Spencer murmured, his breath coming in shallow gasps.

With a nod, you wrapped your arms around him, pulling him tightly against you as you resumed your grinding. His arms enveloped you in a strong embrace, his touch sending waves of heat radiating through your body.

The room seemed to pulse with the rhythm of their desire, the air heavy with the intoxicating scent of your passion. The feel of Spencer's velvet skin against yours sent shivers down your spine, the sensation leaving you breathless and wanting more.

You were so close, the heat of your bodies pressing your cocks against your bellies, the friction sending sparks of pleasure. With each movement, you could hear the wet sounds of your bodies sliding against each other, the slickness of precum adding to the intensity of the moment. 

Beads of sweat formed on your skin, glistening in the dim light of the room as you both worked towards release.

Undeterred, you continued to grind against him, the need for release driving you forward. Spencer's gasps and moans filled the room, mingling with your own as you moved together in a frantic rhythm. Your hands roamed over each other's bodies, grasping and pulling, desperate for more of each other.

With each passing moment, the air filled with the scent of sex and sweat, the heady aroma only adding to the overwhelming desire. His hair became matted and messy, sticking to his skin as he lost himself in the heat of the moment.

And then, in a moment of pure ecstasy, you both tasted sweet release, your bodies tensing as you came together in a symphony of bliss. Waves of pleasure washed over you, leaving you breathless and spent, your bodies still pressed together in a tender embrace.

As you caught your breath, the room seemed to spin around you, the world reduced to nothing but the two of you lost in the aftermath. 

There was nothing else in the world but the two of you, locked in a dance of desire and devotion. And as you pressed your lips to his, the world fell away, leaving only the intoxicating warmth of him.

[blushblushbear]

Can we get Demetri, Eli, Scale and Stirling relationship headcannons? I barely see any anymore and I think it would actually be really cute

Dmitri

very classically romantic

and extremely cheesy

tries to fit you as best he can

but his instincts will always bring him to wine and rose petals on the bed

also likes to read you poetry

he also will write you poetry too but I won't lie it's not the best...

but lord does he put his heart into it

also really really really wants to do that whole guiding your hands in pottery thing from ghost but he won't force you

he will just quietly (not so quietly) hopes the moment will arise

legit swoons a little (or a lot) at every romantic gesture you make

just generally a really old fashioned fallen hard romantic

lots of picnic dates and beach dates and make out sessions in the moon light

really wants to integrate you into every part of his life if he can

also introduces you to the family so quick

has a locket with your picture in it to look at when he's feeling down and he needs a pick me up

(also has pics of you on his phone and as his bg but the locket is just so much more romantic)

Eli

hello cheesy romantic number two

he actually also reads you poetry but he's a lot more thoughtful about his choices and less swanning about the whole affair

though he's still very dramatic over it don't get it twisted

also writes you poetry but waits till FOREVER to share them with you

he's legit embarrassed but he's really feeling this relationship so he shares not only the stuff he's written about you but the stuff he's wrote in general

loves to collect and share romantic things and basically show them to you going 'us' lol

also a meme queen

will go from the day's latest meme to a really heartfelt romantic sentiment, right back to memes so so fast lol

will 1000000% sweep you off your feet but honestly does ADORE being swept off his

I think he's actually more flustered than he thinks he'll be when you do it but he's not complaining

won't make a big deal of it but low key tries to be in contact with you 24/7

just really loves talking with you, even if it's about nothing

also likes roleplay, sexual or otherwise

you guys have def done the whole 'oh mysterious stranger who I just met tonight at this bar, I can't fight the attraction between us, let's have a wild one night stand' bit so many times you end up having to go to knew bars all the time

really loves slotting you and him into romantic scenarios

anytime he legit makes you swoon he's never happier

he's good at charming people and good at being charmed

but when he sparks something so deep and geniue

or has it sparked in him

IDK MAN he's just so head over heels

on cloud nine, so beyond joyous

loves loves LOVES good morning good night texts

if you don't send them he will but also pout pout where's my morning text >:T

also a very 'where's my kiss hello/goodbye? >:T'

always flirtatious but this is probably one of the first times he's felt something so strong behind it and frankly he's just over the moon to have you in his life at all

Scale

HELLO SHY TSUNDERE

firstly, he is always looking out for you/watching over you more than you know

always making sure you're safe

but he also tries to make sure you're good emotionally/mentally

key word is tries, he's not the best with people

but god damn it all for you he will move the heavens and earth!!

loves doing the most mundane shit with you

just being around you makes him so so happy

learns all your favorite things, it's like recon but for LOVE

anytime he's given love or attention or affection he's practically dizzy with delight

he tries to hide it everytime but he is SWOONING

MELTING

HIS BRAIN HAS SHUT DOWN AND HIS HEART IS RACING

LOVES cuddles so much

also kisses but his favs are the ones he sneak steals

whenever you manage to get him back or beat him at his own sneaky game, he's so impressed and also so in love

BLUSHING MESS THE FIRST TIME YOU COUNTER SNEAK HIS SNEAK KISS

he doesn't wanna admit he's kicking his feet every time he gets a text from you but there he goes, being too giddy to function

tries really hard to act cool around you and sometimes even succeeds

he's constantly torn between no one can know how much he loves you or it could be used against him and get you in danger and

OMG OMG OMG OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, EVERY CELL IN MY BODY IS FULL OF LOVE OMG THEY'RE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE I CAN'T BELIEVE I FEEL THIS WAY AHHHH

also tries his best to be strong and manly around you

has a better success rate with those then trying to be cool

Stirling

smooth

very very smooth

doesn't get flustered easily

but still CAN get flustered

he didn't think he could but then you gave him the sweetest little cheek kiss and his undead heart was beating like a war drum in his rib cage

very protective

no harm shall come to his beloved

but unlike others he doesn't linger on it

it's a quiet deadly assurance

he'd much rather spend his energy and time with you having fun and delighting in your presence

loves to have you come skating with him

also loves to have you present at performances and competitions

he does so much better at them when he has you to perform for

has a few paintings of you hanging in his home

does not tell you they are there

you don't know when he got them done

you have to teach him some technology but honestly if it makes it easier to talk to you he'll learn anything

loves to have you stay over with him for days or even weeks at a time

constantly trying to get you to move in

very sensual

very romantic

anytime he can make you swoon he feels like he's won

love bites <3

loves to listen to you talk about your day

always listens with the most love struck look on his face

likes to regale you with tales of his long life

but the best stories as far as he's concerned all come from his time with you

[now-that-i-saw-you]

Short reviews of everything I read this year:

Trials of Apollo ☆☆☆☆

Fantastic!!! Revived my PJO obsession. I enjoyed Apollo's narration. The 3rd-4th book were a little tedious though.

The Picture of Dorian Gray ☆☆☆☆☆

Flawless. So, so gay, weird and dramatic. I wish I could read it for the first time again.

Seasparrow ☆☆☆

I was disappointed. I didn't like the first POV, it made the book feel juvenile. It was too long and nothing happened. An unnecessary addition to the Graceling Realm universe because all the themes in this book were already presented in Bitterblue and Winterkeep. I might have liked this a lot more if it was not part of the Graceling Realm series.

All For The Game ☆☆☆☆☆

I'M OBSESSED. Nothing else to say.

One Last Stop ☆☆☆☆

It was cute and fun. I like it when you can feel that a book/show was planned. Every detail is carefully crafted to fit the narrative. I like how the author uses historical events to enrich the plot. Middle part of the book was a little flat.

The Cruel Prince ☆☆☆

It's...cute. I liked Jude a lot, didn't care for Cardan. Good enough to make me read the entire thing, bad enough that I might never read another book by that author.

Conversations With Friends ☆☆☆☆☆

Do you ever come across a book that's exactly what you needed? This was it for me. One of the only books I got from BookTok and actually loved. It was like being hugged and punched in the gut at the same time.

This Is How You Lose The Time War ☆☆☆☆☆

This book is poetry. It's a fairytale. It's the saddest, most romantic story I've ever read. It's so weird and confusing, I understood everything. It's a tragedy. It's so full of hope. It's perfect.

The Hellheim Propechy ☆☆☆ 1/2☆

It's a lovely series and I can't wait for the 3rd book. It has one of the healthiest relationship I've ever seen in books (and it's wlw!!!!). The villians are a little flat imo.

She Who Became The Sun ☆☆☆☆☆

I don't understand how people find the courage to write anymore books after Shelley Parker-Chan dropped this marvel. I want to eat this book.

The Catcher In The Rye (reread) ☆☆☆☆☆

I love this book idc. I love the metaphors, I love Holden, I love the way the plot develops.

Jane, Unlimited ☆☆☆☆☆

SO GOOD!! Such a unique and engaging book it had me pulling out a notebook and a pen and try to decipher all the clues like a goddamn detective.

Doctor Who: Time Lord Victorious ☆☆☆

It's was nice! Idk what else to say.

Pride & Prejudice ☆☆☆

Reading this felt like sitting at a 19th century tea party and gossiping.

More Than This ☆☆☆☆☆

I've wanted to reas this for a while and it exceeded my expectation. This book is so captivating, unique, heartbreaking and hopeful.

The Trial ☆☆☆

This book was a fever dream.

The Rest of Us Just Live Here ☆☆☆☆

I think Patrick Ness is my favorite author. He did a great job with the premise of the book cause it's a lovely coming of age story and the fantastic elements are woven so well into the story.

Evvie Drake Starts Over ☆☆☆

It's cute and I love the fact that the main conflict is between the FMC and her Male Best Friend and the way this book talks about DV but it also felt a little dull sometimes.

The Lottery ☆☆☆☆

This was a mindfuck.

The Rocking Horse Winner ☆☆☆

....what?

The Scorpio Races ☆☆☆☆

HOW DOES MAGGIE STIEFVATER KEEP COMING UP WITH THOSE WEIRD FUCKING PLOTS??

A Man Called Ove ☆☆☆☆

Really sweet. This book healed something in me.

The Broken Earth (1+2) ☆☆

Yeah....I was not in the right headspace when I read this. I just didn't understand anything. I wanna give this another chance next year if I can.

Lord of The Flies ☆☆☆☆

I want to reread it cause I definitely didn't fully appreciate it but I think it's a great allegory and it's so dark. I get the hype.

The Sun and The Star ☆☆☆☆

I don't think you understand how long I've waited for this book, how long I've waited for Solangelo content. This was so cute. So lovely. I love Nico, I love Will. I wish there was a 3rd character in this (like, idk, Reyna?)

[sweetestpopcorn]

Hi, hope you're well.

I've started re-reading your fic from the beginning and I love the scene with Rhaenyra and Mysaria.

Do you think anything would be different between Daemon and Rhaenyra had his child (son? Idk if them having a son is canon or not) with Mysaria lived? Rhaenyra is clearly rather possessive, and while in canon she seems to be a good stepmother to Baela and Rhaena, idk how much she'd like Daemon having a little person who is a permanent attachment to Mysaria around.

Thanks!

Hi there ❤️

Thank you for the wishes, I hope you are well too.

Let me begin with a HUGE apology for having taken so f_cking long to answer, but I really was a bit overwhelmed and struggling with updates so I had to take a step back and prioritise the writing over the asks... but I'm back 😊

Then, I hope you are enjoying the fic ❤️ and thank you for the beyond kind words.

Now unto the ask itself, so it is canon yes that Daemon impregnated Mysaria during the time they spent in Dragonstone (when Rhaenyra was a child of 8 years, all important details), and that he gave her a dragon egg. When Viserys found out he commanded Daemon to return to his wife in the Vale under penalty of being considered a traitor - which he did - and he also commanded Mysaria to return to Lys and leave the egg behind- which she also did. All of these things are canon. The parts I have added - and that we have no information about - is how far along Mysaria was, if the baby was a boy or a girl, and what they planned on naming the child. But the child indeed existed and died during a storm in the sea, when Mysaria was sailing to Lys - also canon.

How that could have changed my story (and even canon)... hum... I think at around 111 AC and 112 AC it would have made little difference. Daemon was 30/31, and a married man at that. Rhaenyra knew that he had had women (since he had no issues consummating things), and it was not at all that unusual for men to have bastards in asoiaf. Just like she overlooked his wife and just figured he could set that marriage aside, I think it's fair to say she would overlooked his potential bastard child as well, just as long that as Rhea Royce, it was kept away from her. Which without a doubt Daemon would have done. He was no fool, and if you haven't read the books - I highly recommend them, if you don't wan't the whole story you can just go to "The Rogue Prince" and "The Princess and the Queen" novellas - you wouldn't know, but his seduction of Rhaenyra was flawless I would say - minus the getting caught part. He spent his entire days with her, gave her countless gifts and praises, made her laugh, read poetry to her... you know, the kind of things almost every women on the asoiaf universe - very much including canon Rhaenyra - would swoon over -> and no these weren't rumours they were facts.

I don't think someone as skilled as Daemon would dare to bring up any subject to Rhaenyra's attention that could displease her or make him fall from her grace. It's clear in the books he came back to King's Landing on a mission - get the girl or get exiled trying.

Later on, and I'll just focus on my AU's case to keep this briefer and less complicated, she would definitely be highly displeased if she felt like actually his bastard child was a big part of his life, and most of all, if that was taking away from any time he spent on her and their actual children.

I agree with you that in canon Baela and Rhaena were a particular case. For once, we know that Rhaenyra and Laena were friends and Laena was also dead, so she posed no threat to Rhaenyra. Then, the two were girls, while her children with Daemon were the sons he waited so long for, doesn't take a genius to figure which of them Daemon would have been closer to and would have preferred. And then, if we have a positive view of Rhaenyra, we could even say that she didn't want to be to Baela and Rhaena what Alicent had been to her - and I subscribe to this view but I'm biased.

We do see Rhaenyra having no such friendly thoughts at the mere mention of Daemon having a son with Nettles, and honestly, who could blame her? Not anyone with half a working brain I would say.

Going back to how she would feel about a child between Daemon and Mysaria, I would say maybe something in between. She would make no attempt to have any such relationship with him, but I also don't think she would be irrational enough to expect Daemon to pretend like this child, who he clearly cared about didn't exist, so likely, as long as it wasn't brought up and she knew as little as possible, she might tolerate it. But I think that's as good as it would ever get. Definitely, however, I think Alicent would stay on the back - or on the front - of her mind in not wanting to turn into some Karen making her stepchild's life into hell, though neither would she want to be like she was to Baela and Rhaena in canon - not that we know many details, but Baela's loyalty to Rhaenyra's cause speaks volumes, as does Rhaena's stay in the Vale.

Nonetheless, no doubt that this would add to her dislike of Mysaria, and going back on my take of only speaking about my AU, I doubt Rhaenyra would have been ok with Daemon taking to Mysaria's bed again. Like I have previously argued, I believe she did because Mysaria at the time was no threat. Pretty much - and apologies for the very direct language - she was a h0le for Daemon to use since Rhaenyra was not in the mood and that was it. But being mother to his first child... ouch... yeah I don't see that flying with Rhaenyra, not even DanceRhaenyra because as we saw with Nettles, a threat of actually losing Daemon was enough to turn Rhaenyra from - obsessed with the war - to - obsessed with cutting a b:tch.

And people say that Rhaenyra didn't love Daemon and that they had a political marriage.

Anyway, I hope I answered your ask and sorry again I took so long ❤️ all the best to you!

[clowngremlin]

you can probably tell who i am, and you can do whatever you want with that. but i have been so worried for you for so long that i can't keep it to myself anymore. ever since you've been on seroquel i've watched as your personality change into someone almost unrecognizable to who you were…

i know your dad was pressuring you into this, but at a certain point was it really worth it? it doesn't even seem like it truly did make you happier. you just seem like a shell of who you used to be.

if the people in your life irl really cared about you, they wouldn't watch you mentally and physically deteriorate like this and not say anything.

i don't know. i just hope that you can be truly happy someday and not be scared of your schizophrenia anymore, because this isn't worth it.

i'm still taking a break from tumblr for the foreseeable future, and i quite possibly might never return because i find i am feeling mentally better while not being on tumblr, but i saw this ask in my emails like last week, and it has straight up never left my head. i wanted to respond because i felt like u might appreciate knowing that i'm actually looking to get off the seroquel. it's starting to like really affect my quality of life like all i do since they increased it last year is sleep for 12+ hours, and then sit on the couch not doing jack shit for hours. i stopped doing my art, i stopped writing poetry, i stopped going for walks (although my paranoia also contributes to it as well), i don't care about things like i used to. idk if this is negative symptoms, but i don't think it is because even at the worst of my psychosis, i was still engaged with doing my art, i still wrote poetry, i still went for walks, i still watched movies. now all i do is just sit on the couch and do nothing. i'm not against medication, but i don't think seroquel is right for me. my dad and older brother are getting super concerned about my health and functionality as well. idk i just thought u would appreciate knowing this because u sent the ask out of like concern. this ask actually like really made me think about my quality of life this past year, so thanks for that!

[anachilles]

I absolutely love ur teachers au. This may sound extremely random so pls ignore it if u want lol but john and gale’s dynamic and the tension between them reminds me of the time in high school where i was hopelessly in love and pining for my straight best friend and everyone around us was like ahhh birds of a feather ! Two peas in a pod and telling me ah i want the friendship u guys have! hearing those things HURT bc no u don’t want this lol like i was in so much pain. After high school ended she moved away and i moved away and the last time we hung out she gave me a poetry book and had written a little note being like I couldn’t imagine doing any of this without u and no matter what happens u will always b in my heart. I found that note kind of odd bc it felt like a proper goodbye. i never ever told her how i felt and promised myself i never would bc I didn’t want this thing between us to end. We still talked for a while after that but things just started to grow a part and at that point we were just following each other’s socials without much interaction. Then months later i found out she wasn’t straight and had a gf now and i know it was unfair of me but i felt so so bitter bc how could she not see how GONE i was for her. It hurt to see she was acc into girls and maybe she did know i was in love w her but just wasn’t. Into me. I felt bad about being so hurt and also hated myself a little bit bc years of holding my tongue so that our friendship wouldn’t end and it still ended without me ever saying how i rlly felt. We never reconnected and that was that.

All of this to say idk if teachers au john and gale had a similar history or sth but reading these two chapters were so emotional bc it brought me back to that era of my life. SORRY FOR THE LONG ASS RANT. Love ur writing ❤️

Oh, anon!!!!

This is so incredibly touching, and right off the bat, it's the highest compliment in the world to me that someone's read my writing and had such an emotional reaction/feels like they can personally relate to what my characters are going through. Thank you so so much for reading, and I'm so glad you've found something in it up to this point.

I'm really sorry about what you've gone through, my heart broke a little reading your story and I wish you nothing but positive vibes now about it all. I so wish you'd gotten some proper closure. What you've expressed is so so relatable, though, and so many of us have been in similar situations. And it sucks. But you aren't alone!

I don't think it's any big spoiler to say this story will have a happy ending for John and Gale, and I so hope you continue to read, and relate, and enjoy, and maybe potentially find something healing in it? I hope?

Thank you so so much for getting in touch and sharing ❤️

[bisluthq]

I think people also don't know or ignore how creative writing works. As someone who writes poetry as a way to get my feelings out, I'll be the first to tell you artists or creative people in general are all a bit crazy, a bit dramatic. Like we have big feelings and can be a bit dramatic about them. The feeling a song conveys doesn't have to be a super long drawn feeling ykim? Sometimes things aren't good in that moment and a song is a portrait of that moment that we need it to framed.

I wrote so many poems full on ugly crying and it makes you feel so much better after you get that feeling out. And after you get that out of you, you're able to think clearer and actually be like you know what maybe things aren't as bad as they seemed when I wrote this. You know what, I actually think if we do this or that this could be fixed.

Obviously I don't know their situation, but unlike swifties who think Taylor was held at gunpoint to make her stay more than a year absolutely unhappy, I think that whatever was going on she ended up by thinking they could still solve the situation. And for a while they probably did. If the problem was lack of attention or him being away from work, it seems like in 2022 they actually tried to spend more time together. He was just doing promo and not really being away for a long time.

And then for whatever reason things crashed again. Either because the og issues were just swept under the rug and not solved or something new came up

is it lack of understanding the creative process or a lack of life experience? I mean the former often strikes me as true with Swifties insisting all songs are play by plays and hyperrealistic and like almost form a storyline. They don’t lol even where they are truthful like I can all but guarantee when Taylor agreed to go out with lmfao Hiddles she wasn’t thinking he’s her getaway car - that’s how she came to think about it when it crashed and burned as fast as it did but like obviously that wasn’t her starting point?? Because she’s not insane?? But like that’s how she thought about it on reflection lol. Or taking songs like IWYW or Wildest Dreams or Stay Stay Stay or half of folkmore which she’s said are fantasies and/or very clearly are fantasies and plainly not believing her. That’s a lack of understanding the creative process.

a lot of how Swifties talk about her relationships - and especially this one with Joe - speaks to me to a lack of life experience (not meaning this negatively necessarily). My friend who set me up (in a roundabout way) with my bf is very regularly very miserable with her partner. In part because he doesn’t want to get married anymore. In part because he’s bad at communication. In part because they have different things that they enjoy tbh. In part because he makes decisions without talking to her. In part because he doesn’t get like set crew schedules and gets very annoyed with how her work life is structured. In part because he gets quite jealous idk. She tells me this stuff regularly but they stay together and they do have plenty of fun together - I’ve seen them having fun together with my own eyeballs and also she tells me tbh like they are clearly not happy every day but they’re also clearly not about to break up rn (my bf and I love both of them but we do think they will eventually) and idk guys lots of people are in similar situations? I’ve been in situations I stayed in because it didn’t suck every day? Every divorcing couple ever has stayed in stuff past the point of knowing it’s fucked? Like idk that’s part of life???? People don’t break up one morning just because like they realized yesterday they felt shit because there’s a good chance that morning you make coffee together and have a laugh about something and you just… stay. And you hope tomorrow is good again. And then when it isn’t and maybe it sucks then eh you hope for tomorrow all over again.

[dhabitahpunk-art]

Hiii i just wanna tell you I'm absolutely in love with your art! Like as an artist I eventually decided to go into stylisation (which I do prefer for myself) but your art is something like how I dreamed I could be as a pro, it's so freaking beautiful and i love your colour choices and the amazing lighting. I think I always thought of painty art as being a messy thing, and being not being linear (I learned from my art teacher that that choice isn't actually what most people do going into that kinda art and it's usually more precise than i thought, but I digress.) And your art SO encapsulates what I have thought for a long time is the best kind of painting! It's definitely hard to pick, but I really, really love how you do hair and eyes. Your hair is always so flowy.. it feels abstract and messy in like a good way and it feels like hair if that makes sense! And the FREAKING EYES AHHHHSH THEY FEEL SO CONVINCING IDK?? It really feels like I'm looking into somebody's soul when i look at them, they're just so there.. it feels hard to get out into words properly but it just all looks so right, sort of messy and a bit blotchy in the way there isn't really any soft blending (that sounds rude I think haha) BUT

SO,

FREAKING.

PRETTY.

I really don't know the word for it, but it's like you look from afar and blur your eyes and it could pretty much be a photograph but even that doesn't feel right because it's so much better???? And it's actually so cool how you use the stray textured strokes to sorta pull out the colours and make these really awesome dynamic lines! Sorry I think I'm rambling a bit but this just feels so important to say, I honestly think.. it really feels as if you've put so much passion and heart into every piece and it's tangible, It almost feels like poetry to me.

Sorry again for rambling, I've been thinking about sending an ask for a while, so it felt a bit hard to articulate (Or write out) but I really think your art is something special, and I'll be watching for it for a long time. ❤❤❤❤❤

Oh my, anon! Thank you sooooo much for all the kind words!! This really made my day and will probably be the highlight of the week or month for me!! 😭😭

I-- I just don't know what to say? Words can't describe how I feel right now. But I appreaciate knowing there's someone out there who loves my art!! It means the world. 😻

And don't be worried about sounding rude or anything. I do take pride in the messiness of my art. 🤣 So I totally know what you mean. I'm always trying to make my paintings less rendered and less perfect. Hahah.

I hope you have a wonderful day ahead, anon!

[1d1195]

BESTIE WDYM THE HONEY UPDATE WAS PUERLY SMUT?!?(also can’t believe I missed another poll?!? This is what I get for not being on my phone 😔) I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT SO IT WAS SURPRISING! I’m obviously not mad about it though lol NOW my mind is going crazy be he’s just down bad and I’m so loving it! He’s so😵‍💫 and she was literally about up kill him with going bare.. LIKE GIRL YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN THAT MAN WOULD GIVE YOU ANOTEHR CHILD IF YOU ASKED HAHAHA loved it lol also that “baggage” line :( omg ngl kinda felt sad lol anyways VERY excited to see how this all pans out! I have many questions!! Like does she actually believe that Harry is into her and it wanst just horny man brain talking? WILL HARRY BE MORE OPEN TO EXPRESSING HIS FEELINGS?! WILL SHE?!? Anyways bestie this part was wild and I loved it!

Missing a birthday trope is a very underrated! Like that hurts on so many levels lol it’s also so cute you’ve been hanging out with your baby cousin!! You just radiate being so good with children and actually enjoying it lol oh I LOVE he’s so jealous it just makes me giggle all the time! Oh bestie you did a great job writing it! I think I was also short circuiting bc I like imagined his HANDS(I typically don’t ‘see’ things when I read lol) so I was lowkey losing it too HAHA

Honestly it’s crazy how not having the proper insurance can lead to some having such horrible experiences and causing emotional/mental trauma! Like it’s a whole thing that I could go on about! But it does make me happy that you are able to at least feel not too scared to see the dentist anymore! It’s growth and that’s something to be proud of!

You have mentioned it!! And I don’t blame you for living it bc you basically experienced the whole vibe Twilight of it in real time and honestly bestie I love that for you! And omg those books you’ve mentioned sound so good!!! Currently I have seen a pattern where this era of mine included a lot of murder mystery and poetry?? So weird but some are kinda hitting ngl HAHA but you know I LOVE HEARING ABOUT THINGS YOU LOVE!!!

You truly wouldn’t survive that heat wave Sam, it was so brutal😔 also hope you’ll be able to get your heat compressor fixed!! And I’m sure it looks so cute how you decorated! The way you seem to write about your MC’s having a decorative touch, I’m sure that you have that as well!!

I’m so happy you had a good weekend and a good week!!! I feel like this is a win you needed!

My week started out pretty rough considering one of my dogs was acting a bit off. He’s fine like we took him to the vet and everything I just think he’s kind of sad? Idk but he’s fine now! But also I’ve been busy with adult stuff like calling in for bills/disputes and school stuff(so annoying tbh🙄). BUT I WENT THRIFTING TODAY!!! I got the cutest(in my opinion lol) dresses and a jacket! The dresses are both floor length so I’m debating on whether or not I should make them shorter! Plus one of them is a really pretty black velvet fabric which I was just in awe of! Anyways lol overall I don’t have anything planned like fun wise but I’m okay with that honestly lol I have until the end of the month to relax a bit which is okay!

Hope you have another lovely weekend!! Miss you loads and love you lots Sam!!❤️-💜

Good for you for not being on your phone! I feel like I'm doing too many polls tbh so don't even worry about it!

I'm saving a breeding kink for another one of my Harrys but this one is def going to be up there with him hehehehehe He is so down bad. Just lay him on the floor he's down. You will def see more of the baggage line. I had no idea I was going to get so much feedback on it! I forget how I came up with it in the moment. I just thought it sounded kinda needy and Harry of COURSE meant it and he will carry it, but he just wanted her to stop thinking (guess it worked 🤭) I love your questions so much! I can't wait to see what you think of the next part!

I have another missing bday trope coming up next week. Not as aggressive though. Idk there's just something about it, and making Harry grovel for forgiveness hehehehe

Babies make INTENSE eye contact with me at Target in the checkout line. My bf is so sick of it tbh hahahaha I make friends with every little baby and toddler. I have fairly curly hair (and with the humidity FORGET IT) I look like a frizzy mess but I think that babies don't see curly hair all that often? Idk. they stare at me for so long. Or maybe it's just i have this super friendly, wide open, baby-expressive face. I saw this girl on tik tok say she's not hot but she's cute because a guy won't ask for her phone number at the grocery store, but she will be asked for her phone number so she can babysit. That's probs me to a tee. A baby flirted with me in the ice cream line (idk what else to call it) but he was so adorable asking what flavor I wanted after I asked him and if he loved ice cream (I should probs stop I'm ruining a future story line 🤭)

There is something about Harry Styles' hands I will think about them every day of my life. I'm glad I could help you visualize it 😂

I have so much financial anxiety. I think I need to be studied. Like I wake up thinking about how much money I don't have and how I can't do ANYTHING fun lol

VERY interesting you have murder mystery and poetry! I wouldn't put those two together but I lowkey love that! I can so see that being your vibe though 💕

They fixed it pretty quick but Idk why public buildings WITH CHILDREN are not mandated to have AC. WILD to me. If I were a politician it would be my first decree. I do try to have an aesthetic but I think my aesthetic is a basic white 20-something millennial bitch 😭😭 so idk how aesthetic I really am

Oh no! Your poor puppy :( I'm glad he's fine now. Good to know dogs go through it too 😭 But he didn't deserve that. I got 0% satisfaction contacting financial aid or the bursar office at my college. I wrote on a survey "I want to jump in front of a car anytime I have to talk to financial aid office; they are the least helpful and friendly people I've ever had the PLEASURE of speaking to." I never heard back from my college about it and they never ask me for donations so I feel like that's the key to keep your money in your pocket. I love the sound of your dresses, especially the velvet one that sounds stunning! I'm envisioning a NYE party 😍 I'm a huge maxi dress fan. All my dresses are long. I love them!

I'm hoping to have a good weekend! Miss and love you too!!!!

xoxo

[holdinbacksecrets]

well, things have been weird... I think depression and anxiety has been hitting me hard this past week to the point of like chest pain, i think I'm very familiar with heartache lmao. I'm a senior now, finally made it to year 6 in med school, and currently in my first rotation, i don't know how to feel about that other than fear of my own incompetence and failure to compensate for it because I'm just so exhausted..

As for writing, i haven't done any for like close to at least 1 year, nothing, even poetry has been sparse, maybe max of 3 this whole year. It's like slow torture... it's like the first death described in black swan. I've been trying to plan a novel, but all i have is Pinterest boards for characters and a main idea of a plot and it doesn't seem that this year I'll be able to give it time because it's hectic and important and i also have my damn research on thalassemia patient's quality of life and whatnot.

Loneliness is suffocating as well, I don't know what to do with it, i blame it on adulthood and maturity, hell im 23 yet i feel like i have the loneliness of a vampire watching every loved one fade. there's not much to do about it. everyone's busy and i hate human connection as much as i crave it.

I thought by now you'd have relocated btw because it's been a while that you've been talking about it, also didn't you go back for masters or is my timeline of events wrong cuz trust me I don't even remember my name these days

hi friend 🤍

i’m sorry about the anxiety and depression. i certainly understand how hard both are to deal with. anything you can do to get even a little bit of relief? is therapy an option for you?

congratulations on making it to your senior year! that’s a wonderful accomplishment! i watch a few med student youtubers, and i’m so impressed by everything that you all do. it’s a fuck ton of work. is school a major catalyst for the anxiety and depression for you or more so other things you mentioned like human connection/loneliness? everything?

even if your plans for the book aren’t as far along as you were hoping they’d be, i still think it’s really cool that there are ideas dancing around in your head. they won’t just disappear either, so you can always dive back in when it feels right and the writing is coming. you’ll have to keep me updated on this. i feel you on the writing thing. i’ve finally been able to do some writing again after months of shitty work, but the longer it’s missing, the crazier us writers feel. i hope it comes back to you sooner rather than later. a year is a long time. idk if i’d ever write without music. it’s such a huge source of inspiration for me.

oh god… the loneliness. i’m so touch starved that i don’t know what to do with myself. a huge part of me wishes i could erase my dating experience last year bc absences following what that little supernova gave me are apparent as hell. i feel like my isolation from covid never really ended, and i’m still trying to move out of it and form friendships in closer proximity. hating human connection and craving it at the same time—felt. i consistently feel like i have to be a better version of myself first, but will i ever meet a version i’m satisfied with? there are always mental hurdles to navigate. do you have any friends in your med school program?

your last paragraph pierced my heart a little bit bc i too thought i’d be in a different city by now. i lasted in my grad program for three months. it was horrible. i took a class last summer, and i knew pretty early on that it was the wrong choice, but i still started the fall semester. i wanted to give it a sincere shot and not make a rash decision (i convinced myself it was rash but it was really my gut saying important things lol). maybe in the future i’ll go back to school and do something completely different. i kind of want to get an english degree, but the idea of doing another bachelor’s feels strange. i wanted to double major originally but didn’t. for now, i’m working a remote job i hate and constantly job searching for something else. i’m passionate about community engagement work and environmental justice, hoping i’ll find something. i still want to move to chicago. i’ll be there in september, and i’m hoping my time there will solidify feelings and desires about relocating.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary282

6/26-27/24

wednesday - thursday

got the new dennis cooper book today!

and i can't believe how incredible the first story is! the rest is also very good, what i've read of it, one story recalled his earlier work w/ a lot to dig into imo, another was a weird thing, that i like as well and find it kind of so strange an entry into what he does, it's fun how much he experiments/fools around. clearly he is still having fun, he is also though i think, beyond having fun, really digging into things in our immediate surroundings in ways that feel extremely, idk, painful is maybe the only word coming to mind.

the first story, gosh the first story is where this feels most potent, it's this long paragraph, a shorter one too, but that ends it, the long one is about like, idk a bunch of pages, not an insane amount and the text is rather large on the page and set rather low so you kinda burn through the book (that's okay the first story was good enough for this thing to feel worth it), but idk how to even describe it in terms that aren't reductive, it recalls blanchot and the absence of self, loss of self or like, disavowal of self? abandonment is the best word, abandoning the self, not in intent but, by activity? but that activity, the method of speaking, all the faces burned in the manic raving, that central voice is a myspace lolsorandom type of person really going through it, and like it hits on a particular feeling where people just kind of, going and going, in entries on sites like that, raving and stuff about what they want and whatever, accidentally hit on these really painful and insane sentences out of nowhere, quickly disappearing, done in an freakishly literary way in the story. it's so much to deal with, beyond blanchot the use of language, the absurdity and the way it faces abjection, the waste-ness of being/activity, feels intensely french in other ways. here are a couple excerpts:

"this one time i requested "Wannabe" and the DJ played it and then immediately afterwards he (seemingly unprovoked) played "Under Pressure" and i was like "wow, what a time to be alive." but i also like movies that are confusing and take a few times to watch before they truely make sense. i search for a darkness that becomes opaque and as impassable as lead once i'm inside it. i'm not one dimensional!! so there's hope right?right!?!?!?"

and shortly after this sentence:

"sublime would be if all people we knew and we did not need no anything!"

these are how these are written, it is really like this, especially that odd spacing in seemingly unprovoked. reading this i felt something like an elephant sitting on my chest, it was so much to deal with, it really really felt crazy idk. it feels like something people have been trying and failing at. it feels not just new for him but like, beyond being novel, someone using right now as material correctly, speaking about right now, what it feels like to be and to know people and the things they say that break your heart, and stuff.

the story right after is also great, just more regular generally, less language focused, so it's got less of a poetic violence to it, as in, the poetry he creates is less violent in my body, lightning is not inside my bones a whirlwind destroying me, he is there operating as narrating something, though in his odd broken up ways and there is a part which lapses into speaking to the reader, and points where you feel the skin between the story and you being prodded on, fingers against, pushing through a membrane, maybe. i keep thinking about when he writes "please" in it.

anyway, before i post selfies of myself, i don't know how to really talk about this without coming off bizarre, like, oh, before i am vain, here's something serious, though i don't really need to get into the serious things, they didn't happen to me, really all i'm thinking about, or not all but like, what these awful things that happen to people make me think, and being here online only, just not even a face, not even a presence, a thing in time that hears and the next instant's just some impulses talking and you know, all that distance, which makes every interaction with anyone online tragic in character, not even the distance you feel from people, the alienation, is ever truly embodied, not that it must be to be real but the reality it takes on is of a strange character, it shifts, your distance to that oscillates and you feel terrified and stuff and anyways basically two people i know had horrible days, one more knowable to me than the other though that's not what matters, really it's just the awful feeling that all i can do is know how bad the world is, and wish it were not so, knowing it will be, and i can't even say 'i'm sorry' as a face of flesh before flesh, i can only be here to be a bystander/witness to the public expression of horror or pain and all that, and i just wish the world did not have these awful things happening. maybe i wouldn't feel so bad if it were just one in the day. why is it that there were 2, that makes it feel so much more palpable?

i do not know. i just feel awful for everybody a lot and i wish i didn't because it feels ugly in a christian way. i should like to not be so.

here are the pictures of my self by the way:

i look very awkward here because i was just doing this as our friend got here. #stupid.

anyhow, this thinking made me write, something tiny and not tethered to a single thing, so i must still write the other longer thing. i need to need to need to. and i need need need to draw tomorrow. so i shall try... and stuff.... gyuh.

but i need to sleep now. i am tired. today i had a really bad nightmare, it felt like maybe it had something to do with the last dream? it feels as if the dream world i have has changed a bit, the features are... sometimes scarier, not like, in a gothic way, just colder, faster, idk. a universe of cities that are hostile take over the things i recall, where i could hide, and now it's space for compounding and terrifying social interaction/consequence, like my gf saying things to me like "for the first time, i can imagine wanting to leave you now." why is it i can imagine people hating me so well? isn't that a terrifying thing to say?

anyway, sleep so

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[harpieisthecarpie]

posts about misha collins being so wacky and standing up against the cw to fight for gay shipping rights have felt a bit off to me for a while (esp recently), bc he really isn't the tumblr ally ppl act like he is.

every time he trends on tumblr for loving his character's gay ship all I see is a dude that is beating a turbo dead horse for a shred of relevancy

but reading his 2021 poetry collection (outloud to the friends I trapped in a vc) really made me understand and feel it (hatred) more, I think?

Because this man dedicated this collection to his kids but spends the entire first section rambling about his crumbling marriage and how much he loves his (now former) wife despite their distance (in the acknowledgments at the back he says they separated).

Which seems either willfully thoughtless or intentionally manipulative.

And he'll ramble about her figure and her touch and how he misses her, but I don't know a goddamn thing he likes about her as a person.

The only actual thing I know about her (or how he sees her) is from the first poem, where she perportedly says

And his response? Depicted in a poem he wrote and chose to publish?

This doesn't even seem to be him now acknowledging his actions that led to their separation. From the rest of the poems, he does his damndest to make himself seem, if not a loving guy who makes mistakes, then at least a pitiful fool who showed his powerful love wrong.

The poem these stanzas are from, "The Kiss", is the FIRST POEM in the collection. And that poem frames this current day against when they were dating, apparently young and in love, in order to show that they were drifting.

But there is no self awareness in this, because the entire "Love Poems" section is disgustingly trite. Cloying. I would understand if these were personal poems, but he published them and dedicated that published work to his CHILDREN. Whom he mentions vaguely perhaps twice that whole section.

Speaking of children, here's a poem also in "Love Poems"

Like, okay, the most charitable explanation is that this is ANOTHER poem about his former wife (and not his alluded affairs), and she had been taking care of their kids. Which, even so, why the fuck would you write AND PUBLISH this???

The less charitable explanations seem more plausible, and either way the poem (along with his others) is misogynistic in such an upsetting way. This is the guy who's standing up for gay male rep? He can't even be normal about WOMEN. Even ONE WOMAN.

And "Tug of Woman" juxtaposed with what he aptly titled "The Last Poem" (in "The Kids" section) makes me. Ugh.

Idk man, I don't think any of us needed to read about your nipples and "grown-man arms" in a poem about your kids???

I hope it's just that he's a really bad poet. Which he is. But even without the weirdest sex poem AND the weirdest parental love poem I've ever read, I just hate this guy's vibe. And I hate how people treat him like a cutesy do-no-wrong softboy.

Anyways I just needed to rant bc I hate this guy's face now and it's tumblr's favorite so I suffer. So much. All the time.

If you wanna read terrible mangst poems, you'll find them in Some Things I Still Can't Tell You. The audiobook is even voiced by the author for added immersion!

An e-library I use had a copy, which is great bc I would rather cut off an arm than pay for the words I read.

[fangirlies]

Hi, bestie!! I'm here :^)

Shit, sorry!! I didn't think this whole ask thing through... for some reason I thought it'd be better to not flood with asks and united them😥 my bad!

But I'm so happy that you're doing good with the move and that you're finding your peace at a new place! That's all you can ask for. Starting a nee chapter is always so hard, but also so rewarding, I wish this place to bring you comfort, exciting experience and good memories to cherish in the future💜 Hope decorating and brining out the character goes smoothly! Live your best life, bestie!!

And thank you for spending time and answering my silly thoughts in such details. I hope I don't bother you with them, please don't feel pressured that you need to write them all! I love and adore everything that you write (btw, I'm also that recent jealous xavi anon), it is so beautifully done and idk, like a comfort blanket around me, you just have that writing style! Also, your mind is sexy😏 But I know you said that you're a bit in a slump right now and I hope I don't bother or pressure you with these prompts, I want you to be comfortable.

I like talking to you! You're so funny and nice💜 damn, I don't know what to tell about myself... this new year I made a lot of resolutions, but all I'm fulfilling is a part of watching more movies💀 because watching movies/shows is rather hard for me, especially alone. I get distracted and bored easily, so I need some kind of connection to the thing I want to watch to finish it (i have so many shows that I abandonedj. And me hyperfixating on one thing for a long period of time really doesn't help me to get engrossed in something new. I don't why it's like that and how to explain it properly😂 but, yeah, at least I'm doing this, bit I wish I rather read more books... do you have movie or books recommendations? What type of movies and books do you like?

I don't know how to distinct myself, except saying that I'm Elliot anon😂 maybe you could give me a nickname, however being Elliot anon is also nice!

My sweet anon! I’ve missed you (I’m clingy)

It’s completely fine! I wasn’t going to write something for it at first because you described it so well but I pictured it perfectly in my head and decided to roll with it. And then I wanted to answer your question so I separated it bc again, I’m a freak who wanted to give you a detailed answer.

You’re SO right about new chapters being challenging but rewarding. Many people can’t say they love change and I’m not one of them. I love to change things every so often, it gives me something to look forward to. Thank you for your kindhearted wishes! 🫶🏻

Please never feel like you bother me with your thoughts. It’s always fun to write short little blurbs that I can’t make into a whole fic. I love simple and innocent moments like the last one I wrote out. Thank you for enjoying anything I put out there! It truly means so much to me, you have no idea. Trust me, being on tumblr and talking to you guys makes me smile! Each and every one of you hold a special place in my heart.

I thought I was the only one who couldn’t sit through a whole movie!! This felt comforting lol. And the part about needing a connection to a movie/show, I used to not continue watching things if there wasn’t a cute guy to obsess over 🫣 reading books isn’t for everyone just like watching movies isn’t for us lol! Maybe you just haven’t found one you’re extremely into! Not all resolutions can be fulfilled but luckily we’re only in March! Who knows what other one you can scratch off your list! I’m rooting for uuu<3 Unfortunately I have no movie recs but for books- I’m a poetry lover!! When I get my bookshelf I’ll share my collection with you guys but for now Reyna Biddy has changed my life! She seriously puts emotions into perfect words. So if you’d like to search her up on ig just to get a feel for some of her work her @ is reynabiddy!

I love your Elliot anon nick name but if you’d like to pick an emoji and sign off on all your anon asks, you’re more than welcome to! I only have 🍓 taken. The rest is yours to choose from my sweet anon!

[marauderswolf22]

listen, i know the pain of paragraphs being gone, when i was writing it happened all the time

i can really see the confession headcanon 😭 the way he was trying to get to him? and that makes the yawp even more tragic, because he couldn't bring himself to tell neil his feelings before but after his death he would shout it to everyone???

poetry was their love language!!! yes, and as i've said before- they encouraged each other to do this and omg i love this so much. imo that's also one of the scenes where they look the most comfortable. they are pushing each other, yelling, neil says 'put more into it!' and todd starts screaming and spinning around?

i've also already mentioned it, but in the rehersal scene when they say 'oh i love this' 'what, me?' TODD'S VOICE. todd's voice seems so real, so vulnerable and hopeful? like he's completely for real asking if neil loves him

about the two last paragraphs: they can be the only people that understand and accept the other one's 'new identity', art, poetry. eve other poets or mr keating don't know them that well. they would do much more than we see or read about them being roomates for 4 (only? 😭) months. todd would write and get frustrated, feeling like he shouldn't and can't do it, but i imagine then neil would encourage him. and neil, when he'd have moments of doubt and would be visibly anxious, doubting himself and his plan, todd would be there.

i also like to headcanon that they were rehersing a lot in their room (they must have), so in the end so many moments and quotes in the play would remind neil of todd? idk i might just exaggerate

i've seen many ppl say that keating knew/felt it in some way. i think he would. he'd understand the situation (just like you wrote it lmao) and knew how hard it already is for them, so he just encouraged them to do art like he was supossed to do. and i feel it in the final classroom scene when todd's crying and explaining himself. keating knows

(i feel like i need to write it here- if anyone would doubt the feelings between neil and todd i would literally pull out this post)

*or just one of them

**or 'complicated' feelings if you know what i mean