#id rather be too much than less
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Yooooo
Borderlands (GearboxLoot) Twitter just announced Handsome Jack body pillow:
#ngl tho this hurts bc i was just looking for a zer0 body pillow to add to my bed which already has 2 ninja char body pillows#genuinely caught me at the wrong time bc i dont want hj rn ughhhhh#maybe if i still fit the hj cosplay i wore id do another 'bros only' broment but like ughhhhhh#4 body pillows is gonna be too much im just gonna have to settle for some other ninja char in the future bc id...#...id at least like a consistent theme with the body pillows i have bc my bed is already a fandom mess#i mean i could retire my genji pillow and my bed be 'toxic men' rather than ninjas but listen.#theres a limit to how many toxic men can cohabit a Full size bed. and im afraid if i lie down between them...#...it would violate some kinda toxic substance laws. something something 'parts per million' being less than 3#<3#(less than 3)#anyway idk how long theyre running preorder i gotta think about it#borderlands#handsome jack#Cori.exe#Post.exe
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why does going out in a crop top feel like im going to war
#oh i know the answer#its because im fat#nyxtalks#this outfit is so much less effort than so many things i wear and yet. it feels so much more#the skirts and the corsets and the whole hot-gothic-50s-housewife look is armour i guess#i feel like everyones gonna judge me. and i feel like that always but at least i know im a bit freaky then#i guess my borderline agoraphobia is coming thru a little too. and the fact ive been backsliding. yayy#body image tw#< mostly for the fact im having issues about it ig#id rather overtag
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art block really is hitting me super hard huh
#i wanna apologize for the lack of art in general. idk whats wrong. i just cant bring myself to make anything#even when i have the time and the drive i just sit and id rather do other things than draw#and the things i sketch end up looking really stiff or really shitty :(#barely been able to think of headworlds and such too in general so its also why ive been playing so much viddy game#but maybe playing viddy game is making me think less#but id i dont play then i wont do anything bc drawing doesnt work so.........#yeah i really dont know whats up. this sucks#thunderclap#i tried starting up a lil comic sketch earlier and it went so bad i just stopped completely idk if i have the heart to attempt it again#i just wanna draw adri tbh but even that is proving difficult
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I have had a VERY busy week (positive but very very socially draining) and I am ABOUT to have a few days of work and then ANOTHER very busy week (work, 2 different appointments and a job interview) and I just wanna take a moment and remind myself that I may take longer to do things than average but im still DOING them and it's. Okay to still feel tired several days after making a phonecall
#idk im having a lil moment of clarity/calm in the middle of.#what feels like a storm of there Always Being Something that i need to do#and thats never gonna go away but its okay to take a breather here and there to help me keep pushing at it#feeling very positive today bc i got offered an interview for a youth councillor role locally#the main problem with it is its 20 hours a week and a 6 month contract. so i cant leave my current job for it#BUT it would allow me to reduce my hours a bit doing something hopefully less emotionally intense#the coffee shop below us ia recruiting again too which. isnt the best look tbh but i think if im doing two jobs id rather#have one there bc like. ive done fast food#i know i can handle it at its worst for at least a while and the bougie coffee place isnt likely to hit those peaks#so yeah! lots of stuff going on lots to do#definitely not talking to friends as much as i should be#but heres kind of why i guess and currently at least im. feelin pretty good!#we also made it through last month without asking for help#which. is huge but being undercut a little by me spending more than i intended and being mega nervous abt it#not sure how this month is gonna go. but. baby steps.
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Reject modernity [huff huff all the riders are straight!1!1!1!!] embrace tradition [American and European fans having a decades long debate on whether Rossi is gay or European]
#also choose ur fighter#the girlies who like the idea of their favs being gay too much VERSUS#the dudebros who r like *theyre woke why wouldn't a rider be able to come out* like they don't still visit qatar#the dudebros ick me out less BUT i think id rather fight them than fight the girlies#i think its so funny that Americans in particular were like *yoo rossi kinda fruity*#but he was just Italian<//3#motogp#valentino rossi
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hey so I'm back on my bodyswap bullshit again! (What can i say, its one of my favourite fanfic concepts!)
Alright so hear me out on this one.
feel the crack.
Alastor is character A in the swap...
But character B is someone he's never interacted with
He probably doesn't even know she exists
Shes from a different show entirely
But they have one thing. ONE THING in common.
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......
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Its the cherub Vivzie herself voiced in that one episode.
The one literally named "Deerie".
So basically a cute "innocent" lowest-of-all angel gets bodyswapped with one of the most feared overlords in hell.
And the most important thing is that NEITHER of them are happy about it.
#Like idc what you think#Alastor would NOT immediately see the situation as an opportunity to get info on heaven#At least not at first#Bro couldn't give less of a shit about the angels#From his monologue in the pilot we can infer that he might even practically side with the exterminators#At least in the virtue of sinners deserving serious punishment#He has never shown ANY interest in going to heaven#And given what we know of his backstop its not too far-fetched to think that he'd planned to go to hell#That mentality of “id rather be a ruler in hell than a nobody in heaven”#And that would also be in character because from what we and a bunch of other people interpret his mysterious personality#Bro's power-hungry as shit#He probably dislikes the angels on the virtue of submitting to God#And now... he's the lowest of them all#A cherub. The heavenly equivalent of an *imp*#But much. Much cuter#He's gonna try to maintain a smiling face#Because we all know his philosophy on that#But it's especially annoying because he doesn't have his reputation anymore#Cherubs are known for being moved to tears fast and making waterfalls with that salt#So the intimidation factor is entirely gone#Plus he has to do office work to maintain the ruse#... he's probably gonna intentionally get caught cannibalizing a fellow cherub just to get kicked back into hell.#Seems like the less humiliating option#And then there's Deerie over here#Trapped in the body of a tall skinny sexyman demon with barely any deer features#Plus the. You know. Serial killer reputation and casual cannibalism#She's deffo not having a good time either#Probably regretting banishing that trio#Nah they were advertising their business illegally and acting on God's behalf#Shea such a bitch I love her
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you can really tell i mellowed out about zam cause i draw him about as much as i do my other blorbos now aka never lol jk
#mine.txt#personal cw#not really a vent just me musing about my brain#i should really train myself to draw according to when *i* want rather than according to when my mental illness wants#cause like as much fun as it is it also has detrimental effects#like for example my more detailed drawings can sometimes take all night and id refuse to sleep until i finish it#cause i feel the overwhelming need to get it done#even tho i dont Want to get it done cause i want to go to sleep#also should be on tumblr less cause ngl it takes up way too much of my time#i like reading (non narrative) words and tumblr has a lot of them#honestly im never gonna solve these two specific problems until i manage to get to the root of them#aka my hatred of sleep and my want to see other ppls experiences respectively#both of which stem from my emotional negligence resulting in a weird existential kind of fomo#but til then i need to set up some temporary solutions cause this is Not sustainable#like i literally wrote this at 1 am even though ive been so sleepy for like 3 hours now#i think the best solution rn is to take up exercise that way id have no choice But to have a proper sleep schedule cause exhaustion#but i Refuse to do that when im around other ppl and unfortunately i have roommates#so gotta find something else
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:^(
#feelin like a big lonely loser tonight teehe ^__^#thought maybe i had plans but then not n everyone else i asked didnt answer or had plans w other ppl too#n i had suggested a plans with stef but she never rlly confirmed or denied but i figured not plus im kinda sick now too but#also called her just to be like hi n i miss u bc idk im SICK n i hate being sick n the way she sounded was weird AaagghGGHHHHH#n im just now realizing maybe she also ended up doing plans w other ppl#just feels like nobody likes me i GUESS which is dramatic but . aagggghhghgh#to be fair a bit of a 180 from i love u so much lemme say it 50 times last night to i call her n say ilu n shes like uhh ok haha#anD I FEEL LIKE EVERYONES GIVING ME RLLY SHORT ANSWERS N LIKE#but i dont know if i have the energy to give a lot of. energy. ?? to expect it back? but its like#an endless cycle of feel bad so less energy or want to bug less so then deserve less in return anyway so feel worse#its kinda feeling like isolation time which i havent done in a hot minute but i tried so hard to get out of it but like . for what yknow#i got to talk to some ppl some more n meet some ppl but at the end of the day i still feel alone n alien teehee#but maybe im just bejng dramatic bc sick. and rsd with the Tones and ppl having Plans With Others#like its perfectly reasonable to have forgotten or just idk had better options or maybe bc i didnt say anything sooner buT . IDK. 😔🥺#im sick n i hate being sick n i want someone to take care of me ugh#instead i just kinda sat here. played some OW. got mad at OW. ordered pizza to engage in basically food self harm LOL n watched some#of a show ive been meanjng to watch. jts neat so far. but yeah now i just feel like shit i guess#idk how to like. not be insane. or like. ask ppl for like. idk. reassurance or smthn or. share feelings. without feeling like i am.... bad#for doing so or itll end poorly or its excess or burdensome or unreasonable. bc it kkinda is unreasonable but idk not entirely ig yknow#and i really need to shower but i especially dont want to now that i ate food bc id rather die than look at myself naked but yea#YEAH. IDK. i feel. like shit. and garbage. and i can almost see this as being the turning point to me sabotaging my ownnpotential future#whatever ive been slowly building that i just. end up giving up now.#god i wanna call stef or pidge or someone n... ig not even talk abt this bc i dont wanna be a bother but. just hear ppl. u_u#feel like i am wanted in the world slepflsjhggbjwjr#It's My Blog I'll Use It As A Diary / Thought Organizing Thing If I Want To !!!!
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i need suzuki to say what the price will be for the omnichord im not kidding im too scared to spend large amounts rn bc what if im short by $50???? what then?????????
#its been a MONTH since they gave the last update#and that was just say three of the new rhythm patterns it will have#and they still have fall 2023 listed as the release date#like girl its october and we still know barely anything about it...#the other reason i wish theyd say the price earlier too is bc im really scared its gonna end up being like. a collector’s special edition#kinda thing. and have a much higher price than im expecting bc of that#and id rather know now so i can move on#than find out like the day it releases#bc that would be so much more disappointing#anyways im saying this bc i still havent preordered fashion dreamer bc of it. and i really want the javelin shirt but thats $40 so i#havent bought that either#i have been saving my money literally since they announced they were releasing a new model#like#i spent ≈$20 on a gift but thats it#itd be a lot less worrying if i had a job rn#but no one will hire me so#stabs myself in the chest eight times
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"it's easier to leave an abusive situation than it is to stop an abuser" :^( but it's not easy :^(
#repeating patterns repeating patterns repeating patterns repeating patterns#im not unsafe btw just. :^) scared :^)#tired.#starting to stop walking on eggshells kind of. in a cowardly way. like responding some of my real thoughts but at 4am#i want to scream. im not like that but i want to yell and tell her to leave me alone forever and i just want to be able to rest !#and to not be afraid. i want to move. i want to drop off the face of the earth. i want to go to bed. i want to stay awake and on guard.#idk. im tired. im so tired and i want it to stop. it's not even a big deal.#the thinly veiled insults bother me more than anything else. insult sandwich on compliment bread.#im so pretty im so stupid im so funny. im smart im too insecure im beautiful. im the most interesting person she knows im evil im talented#it's not even the worst thing it just pisses me off so much. do you think this is helpful to say? do you think this is normal?#do you think you'll get what you want insulting and belittling me as long as you tell me you think im attractive?#it's always how pretty i am. like some superficial bullshit is going to make up for an insult or make the insult disappear#and everyone else gets to leave but if i leave she'll die and it'll be all my fault and this is just like x y or z#and didnt i know she almost experienced trauma as a child but didnt? and how that effects her?#fuck. i hope she sees this tbh. how fucking insulting to see something someone's experienced and say that couldve maybe happened to me#but the person who couldve done it lives in another country and never came here.#what the fuck. what the fuck.#so it didnt happen to you? you cant lay claim to it at all? yet you think you understand me or that even if it did happen it's all the same#im going to lose my mind. im so. fucking. over it. but im a coward and i dont want her to die so ill grin and bear it.#and she'll tear out all my skin and ask if it's a little too much and ill say it's fine and she'll say im so gorgeous but i'm disgusting#but at least im kind. and ill say okay. because if i say anything else it's a threat on her fucking life.#tbh im only posting this now bc i know no one will likely read it. perpetual coward when it comes to this shit#because if i tell someone the full extent they'll ask why i didn't leave sooner. but i did!#i left and i got bombarded and overwhelmed and i was so tired of being scared of running into her everywhere#and i just. eased back in. and said it would be less this time. and it is so much more. it is so much worse.#ive lived in that fear before and i was so tired of it. it was a big reason i moved so far for college. and i cant just run away#so this seemed better. but it's so much worse. id rather hide every day of my life. keep an eye out everywhere and run away.#it wasnt so bad really. it was tedious and nauseating and i only ever explained it to one person. but it wasnt impossible.#this is much closer to impossible. this is soul crushing every day. and the things she does arent even as bad i dont think#it just doesnt stop. at least in high school i eventually got it to stop. i just had to be avoidant. this. wont stop.
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#it baffles me that i cant get like#a loan of $10k (ive rounded up bc [redacted] seems like an odd number#yes im exposing myself here what else is new#and just . pay that off.#bc it seems logically easier for me to pay $50 a week for the next 2yrs (interest)#than this . fuckery shit ive got rn#like . itd free up so much of my money i tell u#n i do mean that#bc ive done a lot of work on my financial habits and relationship w money#but im paying for my past mistakes n that sucks actually#n ik thats the point but . id rather not b doing it this way#id rather make it easier 4 myself actually.#im not racking up any more debt but my god ending the week w .43c is Awful.#not having money 4 food is awful too . i eat Enough n i do live w my family BUT. thats a whole worm can in itself tho#i just . ive hacked the system to keep myself happy n alive while i fifure it out tho . so were good on that front#but id still like to have my money back thanks#hell id pay $100 wk too . thats abt what i am paying (a little less lbr)#n ik borrowing more money to . fix the problem is exactly how they get u and i do think im smarter than that.#bc . i do NOT have any intention ofrepeating the mistakes that got me here (being Stupid#but . i was doing rlly well w paying off my debt. but id like to condense it.#the fact that theres no family member i can borrow $10k off n then pay off for the next 2yrs is Awful. id have to go to a bank n i fucking#Hate THat. SIDE NOTE????#I HAVE TO PAY MORE MONEY??? IF I PAY OFF MY CAR LOAN EARLY??? you fucks already bumped my $6k to $6.4k#n ur telling me. that if i magically could pay it off RIGHT NOW. id have to pay EXTRA???#what kinda fuckass scheme is that. genuinely. what the FUCK.#how is that fair#dawg this car wasnt even worth $6k . why is that a thing
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the problem with me is that my favourite project diva gameplay is x but i also like too many vocaloid songs to be satisfied with its small song list and inability to have custom songs 😔
#its like the perfect level of fun for me that game. i dunno i find some of the button combos needed for#f and f 2nd a little too much for my hands sometimes so i like x more for casual play#(but i do wish it had more songs....it had a lot of good ones but i like too many songs!!! im greedy!!!!)#and i cant wrap my head around the newest project diva games button combos at ALL some of those are HARD#i do like the 3ds one tho thats very fun. simple but fun!#i think in general i prefer my rhythm games to be more focused on timing and position#rather than specific button inputs or movements#i also dont like flicks in mobile rhythm games. stop them. i have oily hands they dont register half the time GDJSKHFDS#in general id love to find a rhythm game i really adore like perfect gameplay PLUS community ability to make new maps#ive yet to find one that clicks with me fully. again because i prefer ones with less complex inputs hjfdkshjfd#someday....someday........
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Sorry for failing to post more than once every 3 am anyways more stalien icons 👍
#keese draws#eternal gales#oc art#oc#ocs#now sprinkles is the only one left icon wise and ref wise Ive finished aris mase and the snake triplets#oh and then icons for the human kids all need to be made but thats a future me problem#Im probably gonna go for dodie or sier next for new ref#although idk when thatll be since Ive been once again burnt out as hell#but yeah I've been thinking abt the eg cast again I love them all sm#idk maybe I should make them lil summary pages so I can better introduce them all#I dont want to go too deep into actual plot stuff tho as while I dont have issues with spoiling things pre actually making the comic just#due to the fact that things are still prone to change I also would rather not basically live script out the story to summarize one scene#its the eternal problem with talking abt eternal gales its the kind of story where you really arent meant to know more than the characters#and as such while the worldbuilding is important to understanding the plot from an overarching perspective thats not rly how the story is#meant to be told as quite frankly I dont think that is or should be the appeal of this story#eternal gales is pretty much set to be an aquired taste of a story since the core of it is less abt watching characters in a plot and more#abt watching said characters having a plot happen at them while they try to navigate the situation and their relationships with eachother#basically it's hard to summarize cause while there is a plot thats not really how Id advertise it as a story#theres a reason Im not jumping straight into this project rn even tho I do wanna make it real some day and its how damn ambitious it is#Ill get there some day but itll likely still be several years at least until I go for it#mostly because Im gonna need to learn some programming skills or get someone who has them already to help#I also ideally wanna finish spiraling upwards first which will also likely be a several year project#tbf thats mostly because Im just being slow as hell to work on that one#but it's a warriors fan comic so Im trying not to put too much pressure on myself
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luna was very brave and only slightly scratchy! she got some immediate medicine and tomorrow ill know if something came up in her blood. right now shes hiding and im letting her ignore me, but as soon as she comes to me she gets so many treats!
#watching her just slightly overcorrect when walking bc of her temp-bandage is kind of funny#hearing her actually yowl bc she hated having her blood taken much less so#the vet was nice#called luna a very special old lady lol#bc apparently the way she tells you not to do something is not that common?#very human-like apparently#goddamn i feel so bad she was so scared and stressed#but id rather stress her out for a day than find out shes been sick too late#im rambling but im also stressed so yeah
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I read the comic in one sitting less than an hour after finishing the movie, and wow I have many Thoughts™.
- It's very obvious the two versions were meant to cater to different audiences AND tell different messages. I don't get why people are going "But the comic was better! It had more nuance!" just because Nimona was easier to root for in the movie.
- The comic was written back when ND Stevenson was still trying to process a lot of stuff, so all the characters are morally grey/straight up evil and the climactic battle is between a Ballister who regrets turning against Nimona, even if it was to save others vs. a Nimona who's too hurt to care if her lashing out was going to hurt innocent people.
- By the time Nimona got a movie adaptation, ND was a lot more secure in his sexuality, so the climactic battle was Nimona vs. the Director, the symbol of religious oppression and bigotry. It's not just about your friends turning on you because you're "too much" for them anymore, it's also about a society that would rather bring itself to the brink of ruin than coexist with you.
- (I totally get why people were upset about Ballister's surname change, though. Like come on, the media dubbing him Blackheart just to be mean was RIGHT THERE).
- Nimona's metaphor for not shifting is such a neurodivergent thing. Even in the comic, Nimona's parents insisting she's a monster who replaced their daughter is reminiscent of the changeling myth, which is what many parents thought their neurodivergent kids were—changelings who replaced their "real" children.
- Ambrosius being trained to cut off HIS BOYFRIEND'S WHOLE FUCKING ARM instead of merely disarming him is a very cop thing to do. As much as cops claim they're trained to de-escalate situations, their training still teaches them to treat everyone as a potential threat, and that level of constant vigilance can turn anyone into a trigger-happy/arm-choppy bastard. Even the Director, who can use a sword but probably hasn't actually fought someone in ages, STILL can't see Ballister reaching for the squire's phone without assuming he has a weapon.
- And on that note, the Queen getting killed simply because she was trying to reform the Institution and allow commoners to become knights? That's the best "no such thing as a good cop" metaphor I've seen. Because even if there ARE good cops and they ARE in leadership positions, the system will crush them before they make any meaningful change. It's not a good institution that turned rotten, it's an institution that only exists to spread its rot and refuses to be good.
- That's why Ballister's characterisation is so different in the movie vs. the comic. Comic Ballister had 15 years to come to terms with his trauma and the Institution's evildoing, while Movie Ballister is still freshly traumatised and hasn't found a way to define himself beyond the role he was assigned by the Institution.
- Not to mention Comic Ambrosius was not very noble to begin with and genuinely believed Ballister was better suited to villainy than heroism, while Movie Ambrosius never wanted the glory that came with his lineage in the first place and only antagonised Ballister because of indoctrination he needed to unlearn (which he did, all by himself, after witnessing the lengths the Director will go to just to kill Nimona).
- It really shows how important it is to surround yourself with loved ones who are open to change. Comic Ambrosius can love Ballister all he wants, but he'll still blast his arm off because he thinks Ballister deserved it anyway. Movie Ambrosius will stop to question what "the right thing" even means, even if he didn't love Ballister enough to defend him unconditionally.
I have so many more thoughts bubbling beneath the surface, but I'll probably address them some other day. In conclusion:
[ID: A pink-haired Nimona grinning evilly while holding up a knife.]
Watch Nimona. This is not a request.
Edit: Added more thoughts!
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♡♡♡♡
#.#im understanding sisyphus a lot better now#or rather just greek irony a lot more#nobody was doing purgatory or hell the way they greeks were#sorry i was thinking of tantalus yeah thats whats happening to me#cause i like cooking i like food#i wanna say maybe to some im actually good at it or something maybe#but i also cant it more than one meal a day if that or else i go to really dark places mentally and feel like shit physically#like its bad and ik i should work on reversing the whole ED situation#but unintentionally or not ive invested too much into this sinking ship to not see it through#its not that bad i swear ik it could be worse and im not encouraging it to worsen#but like is it bad id rather it get worse than i recover?#no yeah thats bad its bad damn oh well its not like its not obvious im like transparent w this shit i bet nobodys said anything tho so its#it cant be that bad cause nobodys said anything#doesnt mean they havent noticed but hey theyre also the same ppl who are happy im marginally less fat and kinda on the right path#like if i hadnt fucked this week up then i wouldve hit 25 probably#i def did hit 25 one day but yeah atm its 20 and if i put in the effort which i hate how hopeful it sounds i know its bad but fuck i cant#care about morality and shit anymore nothing good has come of being moral or healthy or trying to get better#the only thing thats working rn is this so maybe if in a few months i hit that dream number maybe itll make it easier to not kill myself#like sure it wont change everything else wrong but even if im alone at least 40 pounds lighter i wont mind living w myself#like even if it makes no difference to anyone at least maybe i can look in the mirror for longer than a few seconds before starting to cry#i thought there would be more good days before things got bleak but now its like hard to tell myself its worth holding out for the next ones#i dont mean worth in a suicidal way#but like yeah no i cant find reasons to be happy and that should be scary except its been months and im just tired now#i cant believe ive gotten to this level of defeat i didnt think this was achievable outside like a literary context#goodnight and happy v day i guess cheers
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