#and id rather know now so i can move on
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i need suzuki to say what the price will be for the omnichord im not kidding im too scared to spend large amounts rn bc what if im short by $50???? what then?????????
#its been a MONTH since they gave the last update#and that was just say three of the new rhythm patterns it will have#and they still have fall 2023 listed as the release date#like girl its october and we still know barely anything about it...#the other reason i wish theyd say the price earlier too is bc im really scared its gonna end up being like. a collector’s special edition#kinda thing. and have a much higher price than im expecting bc of that#and id rather know now so i can move on#than find out like the day it releases#bc that would be so much more disappointing#anyways im saying this bc i still havent preordered fashion dreamer bc of it. and i really want the javelin shirt but thats $40 so i#havent bought that either#i have been saving my money literally since they announced they were releasing a new model#like#i spent ≈$20 on a gift but thats it#itd be a lot less worrying if i had a job rn#but no one will hire me so#stabs myself in the chest eight times
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she says he won't let her get a dog, which is fine, because they're in an apartment, and that's the kind of thing people say about their partners. he won't let me get a dog. and you're at a dinner party and you tilt your head a little to the side just like that dog he won't let her get, because is this the thing that's going to upset you? you don't know every corner of their relationship, she could be joking, they could have had so many healthy conversations about the dog, right, and maybe she's not letting herself get the dog because of money and time and whatever. but, like, she did say let
and she wants to move away from his hometown and he wants to stay and then he tells you with a wink and a conspiratorial stage whisper don't worry i'll convince her and she laughs about it - so clearly this is something they laugh about. but you do just stand there and stare at him like what the fuck, man. you can't say what you want to say which is why do you get the final say on everything because they're both obviously aware of the other person's stance on this and have obviously had private conversations about it and what are you going to do about it except make a scene and then he'll be mad at you and call you one of those bitches behind your back and she'll cut you off, which is a loss that doesn't feel worth it just because he makes you a little skeeved out every 3rd comment
and they both agree he just isn't the type to get flowers which is fine because everyone shows love differently, and are you really gonna judge someone based on their sense of individual relationship responsibility? maybe he's constantly cleaning her car and writing her poems and making her furniture or something. maybe she doesn't even like flowers and this is perfect, actually. and no you couldn't date him, obviously, ew; but like, she tells you she's happy. you almost send her a tiktok that says don't be 25 and the cool girl that doesn't need anything, you'll hate not getting flowers at 30, but that's like, starting drama & you shouldn't start drama needlessly.
and you're a little older than her but not so much older you can pull the whole trust me on this one babe thing and besides that wouldn't have worked anyway (when does it ever) and besides you have trauma so you and your therapist both agree that you're always looking for a problem even when there isn't one. and you tell yourself that just because you see them for 15 minutes every month does not mean you can identify every single red flag based on a single shitty half-joking(?) comment
and besides, what are you going to do? she says i actually wanted another stand mixer but thankfully he stops me when i'm about to spend too much money and you're standing there like are you okay? is this normal? is this just something people say? and again - what are you going to do?
to your therapist you try to language it - it's not, like, any of my business. but sometimes, doesn't it feel like - you should do something. there's got to be something, right? you've tried dropping little hints but they sail right through and you've tried having a single serious conversation and she got upset because why does it matter to you, yes it's different but we're happy, it doesn't need to make sense to you and you're like. really unwilling to push a boundary about it anymore; because the truth is that you know logically it shouldn't matter to you, as long as both parties are happy.
and besides, you've been wrong before. it's just... like, every time you see them both, something else happens, some kind of shiver down your spine like do you even hear each other when you talk. it's their strange, bickering orbit. just the way he's on his phone through dinner or watching sports instead of helping in the kitchen or, fuck, another one of these little throwaway comments he makes about we'll see about that, babe. she laughs when he calls her passions stupid shit and meanwhile she gets him tickets to see the knicks and he tells you well at least she's smart about something and still! it's none of your business.
you say get the dog anyway and she laughs. like, this is is you being funny. and not you saying - no really. get the dog. get the dog and get out of here. pack up and start running.
#this btw is not including toxic friendships this is legit just something ive experienced MANY times now#writeblr#you ever have a friend in one of those relationships where ur like#u don't HATE their partner explicitly#but ur like. what the fuck y'all#like the weird part of being an adult is that you can't be like . CERTAIN their relationship is toxic#and also if u move too fast or push too hard u can hurt someone who is already in a scary situation so you just are like#frozen there. laughing awkwardly. saying ''haha..... yeah..... couldn't be me....''#and like u can't tell - is this banter or does he actually think like. he's better than her.#all you can do is be there for your friend and hope they wake up to it#or ... that it really IS good#and it's just odd to you#tbh btw id rather have my friends feel safe coming to me if they have a concern about my relationship#like yes it's not ur business but it also IS bc im making u hang out with them and also ur my friend#it's a weird thing to experience as an adult bc it is such a blurry line and when u spend time#around couples that aren't like ACTUALLY ur friends but instead ''extended friend circle'' ur like#.... i don't know y'all well enough and he just called you a cow. and ur okay with that . and i don't know how to respond.#so ur like :) okay. um. go to couple's counselling i think#but also you are NOT supposed to pass judgement so it's like.... this weird limbo of feeling like you SHOULD say something#but knowing you CANNOT#idk that there's a way to resolve it!!!!!!!! it's probably a different approach person to person#edited my tags bc tumblr's new system fucked em up#PS EDIT: btw i should have said:#the pronouns in this can work in any and every direction. every gender and every sexuality and every#type of relationship tbh. even non-romantic relationships where ur like ''what do u mean ur bff calls u stupid''
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Insurance in the US is *required* to cover all types of birth control including surgical (eg tubal ligation) *for now.* Absolutely try to get it and get the procedure done ASAP
https://www.healthcare.gov/coverage/birth-control-benefits/
thank u. i do need to sign up for that.
#asks#vergess#insurance#my worry is. even if they have to cover it. they will find stupid loopholes i will be too tired and stressed to pushback on#like when i had insurance through my other job and they stopped covering my daily asthma inhaler for a cheaper one instead#and if i wanted them to cover it id have to like. prove that the cheaper one wasnt effective or smth? but. i had enough extra for some#reason that i never got around to trying the cheaper one and now im not insured by them anymore cos i quit that job and had a cobra hiccup#so ive been rawdogging the healthcare system and getting by okay for now but liiiike. not a sustainable situation#id RATHER get a hysterectomy but that feels. far more unattainable. like i think id have to fight my parents on it and possibly doctors#without my parents backing me up. while living in their house. bc im 'young' and unmarried and childless so i could 'change my mind'#idk ill be 27 this year can i call myself an old hag yet? when do i finally get to be too old to change my mind cos i want the fucking#thing outttt. ugh. and id worry that insurance would pull some shit where theyre like well it WOULD be covered if it was NECESSARY but we#LOOKED INTO IT and you have no problems with the pill AND youre not even HAVING SEX theres NO REASON!#one of my coworkers was told her surgery for smth else was covered and now that its done and shes recovering theyre trying to be like uhm#actuallyyyyyyyyyyy its notttttt covered we changed our mind#idk#i have therapy today and shes been offering to help me navigate healthcare dot gov so maybe ill ask her. idk#i also hesitate to ask my pcp bc i know my mom has access to my medical info cos its Usually just more convenient#i need to get my shit together enough to be able to move out. and exist.#like theyre fine. unless they arent. sigh#anyway thanks for the info it is helpful
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me when running away from everyone makes me end up all alone:
#i dont have any irl friends anymore theyre all gone with my old discord and its been too long to go back#i lost myself over the summer in ways i can never explain.. i dont know where i am if im being honest#drinking is worsening it all#i feel so insane.. genuinely.. i cant stop getting into my own head and letting it all happen#its just me and teddy#im too scared to leave the house for longer than a few hours anymore#i cant handle people looking at .e#me. i cant handle talking. i cant handle daily tasks of anything. even these days moving feels too hard#i keep finding myself face down floating in the river#and when i turn my body over#my face isnt rotten#it isnt bloated at all.#... its just me and i look young and like i died two minutes ago#then i snap out and im making dinner#and im someone else. somewhere else forever#im so alone but id rather it right now. no one knows how bad it is. intentionally. i never tell anyone#because what would they do?#the only thing i ever learned was to run away and hide. i cant stop thinking i need to keep doing it#i just want everyone to be rid of me so i keep running and running and running
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HELLO I HAVE NEW SPIDERS
went to the reptile show today and came home with THREE NEW SPIDERS (these were planned purchases, i intended to come home with a tarantula of one of two species, depending on which i found, and 1-3 jumping spiders of various species, and that's what i did)
no excellent pics yet bc i'm leaving them to acclimate to their new houses, and they don't have names yet, but here they are!
~2.5 inch brazilian black tarantula Grammastola pulchra, young Apache jumping spider Phidippus apacheanus, and young regal jumping spider Phiddipus regius (plus bonus picture of the regal's fantasy kingdom housing setup which i'm gonna add to but i'm already quite proud of)
The G. pulchra is currently in an 8-inch cube, the regal is in a 6 inch, and the Apache jumper is in a 5 inch hexagon, all from TarantulaCribs. SO excited to watch these babies grow and get to know them!
#spiders#tarantulas#jumping spiders#brazilian black tarantula#regal jumping spider#apache jumping spider#the regal jumper is so well behaved she can do no wrong and i adore her#the apache was very very nervous abt leaving the sale container i had to scoop it onto a paper towel and place it inside#the bb is a little bastard (affectionate) who refused to leave his sale container#bolted. kicked hairs at the paper towel i was using to try and coax him out. bolted again.#hes sitting on the side of the sale container now and i just left it in there. he can have some time to chill that's fine#id rather not stress him out more. it's been a long day#also i dont know any of their sexes it's all vibes rn babey#i swear i'll get better pics soon. i love these kids so much already#my dresser is getting...very full...#i gotta acquire a separate shelving unit for these guys esp cause i also have a colony of madagascar hissers#who i'm gonna b moving into a much larger tank soon
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by the way
#txt#sunday#BY THE WAY#BETTY... I NEED YOU... I MISS YOU... IM SO ALONE WITHOUT YOU... TO CALL YP ON THE WEEKENDS WITH MY CELLULAR PHOOONEE#BETTY ITS SO HARD TO RELATE WITH THE WHOLE HUMAN RACE#MURDOC!!!!!!!#IM ON FIRE. AND NOW I THINK IM READYYY TO BUST A MOVE CHECK IT OUT IM ROCKING STEADY#I KNOW THAT SHES THE ONLY ONEEEE ID RATHER WASTE OUR TIME TOGETHER YEAH CUZ WE CAN GET DOWN#so me about murdoc. sorry not sorry#MURDOC I NEED YOU I MISS YOU IM SO ALONE WITHOUT Y#MURDOC ITS SO HARD TO RELATE WITH THE WHOLE HUMAN RACE I DONT KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN...... I DONT KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN#its literally uuuussssssssss its literally us. SAVE ME MURDOC#save me 06 murdoc#Spotify
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I'm very much a, "fuck yeah and fuck you, I don't need validation! I'm me, cunts!" kinda fella, but sometimes I could use support.
#today i fucked up by reactivating my fb account which i haven't done in 2 yrs just to check on some folks id been sending good thought to#place is depressing everyone is miserable and everything feels fake and my mind is like#LOL this is why we left bitch byeeee#so i deactivated again went to work and idc what anyone says there are folks like me that can and do feel the energy and emotions coming of#people and it can fucking suck especially when so many are disregulated so i got a sensory overload and boss was nice enough to let me take#a bunch of breaks today and even scream in her office cause She Gets It (TM)#the weather is rainy and cold i'm getting so many fibro flares idk how i'm moving anymore#ive missed so many days of work already and it's not even fully winter yet i still have my job and im thankful i have an understanding team#but that doesnt pay the bills im still trying to find a way to pay for that doctor appointment coming up#graduate courses began for college and i think i'm gonna be okay but damn did they throw too much info all at once at me and that made#my adhd brain go WELL SHIT#ive been feeling incredibly lonely and not wanted in so many spaces that im struggling to even communicate with the few that i know do#love me for me and nothing else im trying so so so hard to keep being there for people and to keep loving#people that need it cause i don't ever want another human being to ever feel as miserable and unwanted as i have felt#but im also tired because i feel like thats all anyone ever sees me as just this being that can take their woes away and make them feel#amazing and i love that i can do that and listen to so many traumatic stories and help folks process that trauma my boss and many throughou#life have told me i have a gift for healing people and a vibe to me thats different than most and it feels good being around me but today i#just felt like people keep taking and taking and taking and i dont expect anything back thats not who i am id rather give than receive#but damn it i just wish someone could just give me the biggest hug in the world dont even have to say a thing just hold me and be present#and hold space for me to just feel weightless id cherish that more than anything in the world right now#on a positive note...#my dinosaur vo stuff got traction im getting a new cosplay put together i havent done that in 4 years i got to pet a wild deer i made#a coworker laugh so hard his juice went out his nose and my boss peed a little#im slowly taming another wild flock of turkeys and i got a bag of my favorite takis the guacamole flavor#i got a lot to be thankful for and i acknowledge it#but damn it im tired#thank you for coming to my Ted Talk rant and rave#if you made it this far: you're an incredible human being and i love you#please go treat yo self to something nice and know i love you for you
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Oh...
#tho im confused bcs i dont remember my calender giving me notifs about fp1 and fp2#but seeing this im like ....ah :(#also i dont think ill ever call this gp by its proper name#its either Imola or San Marino for me#(kinda laughing at myself from months ago when i was writing down race watch checklists)#(bcs sometimes id put the track name rather than the country)#(like writing down Nürburgring(Europe) rather than just Europe or writing down Suzuka(Japan) instead of just Japan)#(like bro those lists are only for my eyes why did i feel the need to flex that i know the track names LMAO)#(i understand writing Imola *now* instead lf Emilia Romangna bcs its a lot shorter)#(but why did i write Imola and Monza for my 2005 checklist rather than San Marino and Italy)#(again: flexing that i know the tracks but to myself i really dont understand my past thought processes sometimes)#but speaking of race checklists#I wrote down the schedule in my notebook before the season began like by a few months i think#i had to cross out the numberings bcs china got canceled AND UGHHHHHH NOW ITS EVEN MORE MESSED UP#i dont even reference that schedule bcs its all in my phone calender but just its mere messed up presence bothers me sm#so like its 22 races for sure now right? like i can call monaco round six yes? i think its 8 in my book lmao#but UGHHHHHH the fact that all the races are moved back one is gonna get on my nerves so badly#bcs i have a legitimate checklist i fill out and now its inacurate....i swear if imola gets rescheduled i will just burn the notebook#anyways :)#still havent done thst placement exam bcs i got sidetracked and now its 6:30 am! i need to sleep!#catie.rambling.txt
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.
#personal#im gonna have to watch that arcane show arent i? fiiinneeee#maybe ill get to it. i did enjoy the first season and the music i just think ill never not feel weird interacting with league stuff#due to personal ex related reasons and also that everyone ive ever met that likes any of riot shit is a huge shit themselves#idk will it be cathartic? will it be therapeutic? or will it just make me cry and then laugh in equal measure#as im still using his moms netflik to watch the damn thing. or will i just be hit with lonely bombs at a time id rather not be handling tha#who knows who knows maybe ill just have to pussy up and get through it and whatever emotional fallout falls will fall#im in a better place now. so much better. idk why im still so hesitant about watching an unrealted show now then#yes i do know. i wish i could move past it easier though#actually u know what. any mutual lovelies who havent seen it yet and want to do a watch along with me where we can message about it#as we watch thatd be cute hmu. im just remembering my old tumblr group 'our movie night'. i think ive said it recently but#omn folk i appreciate you. is tumblr groups still a thing? i dont interract with anyone lol idek if thats just#not around as a concept anymore or if im just not invited into any
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The horrors* are endless
#*too many changes and unknown variables happening all at once#im gonna be stressed til i move#the stress migraines are hitting#i had to leave work early today cuz of a migraine#the pain wasnt the worst but someone was drilling into something and there was an awful metal on metal scraping noise#and it was making me overstimulated and i was starting to panic#also i scheduled off the 21st through the 23rd MONTHS ago#because i thought we were coming back from Minnesota on sunday#but we're actually coming back MONDAY#so i gotta text manpower tomorrow to let them know#and im probably gonna go ahead and tell isabella too just to be safe#and its probably gonna be fine. my job is super laid back. but fuck dude. im stressed.#ive been stressed since the end of june#cuz i had APPOINTMENTS#and ive been stressed this month cuz of the trip#and now im even more stressed cuz im moving in a couple months#too many things#i need my grandpa to look at my car and do any repairs it needs to be safe to drive on the highway#cuz as it is i would NOT feel safe driving it to work every day#brakes definitely need replaced. my dad thinks the transmission might need replaced.#my moms gonna help cover the cost of the parts so thats fine. and i could probably cover them myself tbh#id just be broke afterwards#but id rather do this than add on to my stress by having to find a new car that i can afford thats not just as fucked up as my current one#stresssssss
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[Image description: Four black-and-white stills from "The Untamed" with text added. They show Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng learning that the other lost their golden core, and again when they each decide to sacrifice themself to save the other.
1: Wei Wuxian with tears in his eyes, hearing Jiang Cheng talk about the Core-Melting Hand. Text reads: "You'll never" 2: Jiang Cheng crying during the golden core reveal. Text: "recover" 3: Wei Wuxian looking down at an unconscious Jiang Cheng right before the core transfer, his mouth set in determination. Text: "from that kind" 4: Jiang Cheng realizing the Wen are about to capture Wei Wuxian. Text: "of devotion."
Altogether, text reads "You'll never recover from that kind of devotion." /end ID]
Leah Horlick, For Your Own Good
#i love this quote for them because does it mean you'll never recover from someone else's devotion to you?#or from your devotion to them?#por qué no los dos#the untamed#they're brothers. they are BROTHERS#parallels#also looking up the scenes these are from so i could write the ID was a trip because#the first two come right after wei wuxian has fallen down because jiang cheng pushed him#(well in the second it's jiang cheng right after he's had a memory of wei wuxian falling down bc jc pushed him)#in the first jc says i hit you with all my strength just now. did you feel it? and wwx is like hit me again so i can performatively#act like you're sooo strong but jc doesn't do it. then later in the conversation jc is telling him that wzl crushed his parents' cores#so they couldn't resist...and that's when he shoves wei wuxian who falls off the bed#(so technically i think in that shot what wwx is reacting to is learning about yzy's and jfm's cores rather than jc's#but they're all pretty related and anyway it's unclear to me the exact moment wwx understands about jc's core#so i decided to describe it as wwx learning about jc's core because i think that's the gist of the set)#then in the second jc has just remembered scolding wwx during his daydrinking era for not cleaning his sword#wwx does his aw shucks bro i'm such a maverick arm-around-the-shoulder move and jc shrugs him off#but since wwx doesn't have a core anymore he falls to the ground#and then when jc approaches he holds out chenqing and tells him not to come nearer#wwx falling even when he has a core because of how much he loves jc (and the jiang)#and wwx falling because he doesn't have a core anymore (which is because of how much he loves jc)#and technically the golden core reveal happens right after the fight at the ancestral hall (during which wwx collapses)#wwx: always falling over and usually because of jc#giving up his golden core meant he couldn't cultivate the sword path anymore sure but you know what really screwed him over?#he lost the ability to speak the love language of Shoving. that was a huge blow to their relationship#(also all the lying. that contributed a bit as well.)#but also that's the FIRST thing that jc says to him after jc loses his core. the FIRST THING he does after he wakes up#& wwx is like 'jiang cheng can you hear me? do you recognize me? jiang cheng please talk to me'...is to push wwx and say#'did you feel it?'#jiang cheng lost the ability to speak the love language of Shoving first and he acknowledged it RIGHT AWAY
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well I didn't talk abt what I specifically wanted to talk abt bc I could tell I was starting to get upset just being very vague and general and I mentally started doubting myself n defending against it n chickened out. but I'm grateful she listened to me vent a little anyway I do appreciate it ik she has plenty of better things to do w her time 🥹
#even if its not like. actionable. so nothing will change. i guess still nice to say things out loud#and I'd rather talk to someone like her who isnt going to try and reassure me or fix anything on my behalf#bc she knows it doesnt work like that and also its not her problem#man. so tired of dismissing n repressing everything i feel. call me daedalus the way im the architect of my own torture labyrinth#whatever.. morning wasted but thats fine whats different from any other weekend. at least i have to go out for my haircut soon#also my neck is in so much pain i dont know what im doing to it ive tried everything why cant i sleep without it happening!!!#like i must be not supporting my head properly or misaligning my spine but i dont know how :^(#kept waking up in thr night bc id move a little and id get sharp shooting pain its now my upper back as well as my neck#very uncomfortable doing anything today ugh!!!! painkillers and ice arent helping at all. ill try a hot compress or smth next instead#flatmate lent me one of her memory foam pillows tho so that might be better tonight maybe it is just not enough support#and if it is i can buy one of my own. but for the rest of today im just going to have to be in pain again :^(((#so hard to shake myself out of the depression spiral when im also physically hurting yoowwwwchhh. its fine its cool#okay I need to put some real clothes on...#.diaries
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i hate the food situation at my house so much for the love of god. theres only so many times a man can eat ramen with nothing or tuna with nothing
#theres no fucking. ingredients. theres nothing to add. i used to walk around my kitchen trying to look up stuff to make with what we had but#it required like. an onion. an egg. a spice. a vegetable. and we dont have that#and something about me. idk what it is idk if its me or my dads fault but i cant ask for it. i cant. i think part of it is bc i need the#ingredient for my one thing and then. it goes bad and its my fault and i feel bad#i hate my food situation so much. my dad makes this food in the microwave that he knows i dont like or eat. but if i make something else he#gets offended like thats not fair#and i feel bad for complaining bc i should just get a job and buy my own food but im not gonna do that bc im not gonna get a job.#i have trust fund money. like a decent amount from when i was hit buy a car#i should move out of state like right now. and live off that and when it runs out. ill just lay in the street i guess. i hate my life so#much guys its not funny. idk what to do. theres no fixing this theres nothing i want to do and nobody can help me bc theres no solution#everyone ignores it bc theres no solution to my problem. im never gonna be happy. its never gonna be worth it#nobody wants to tell me thats life suck it up or die bc they know id rather die by a mile. im so embarrassed of my stupid life im such a#failure. i want to kill myself bc i dont want to work like how pathetic is that. thats so stupid. i dont really say it to my parents bc they#would just laugh at me. or yell at me. i dont know what to do. i dont know what to do. i find myself hoping i get in a car accident and die#anytime i go out. i hope i dont wake up in the morning. i hope something bad happens and its not my fault so i dont get the blame i just get#the benifit of not having to do this anymore#god thats so. dark. its how i feel.#its getting to the point where i dont feel like i should say im not gonna kill myself at the end of these. im still not yet. but it feels#like a yet situation. like its gonna get to the point where i start trying again.#im still not there yet though. please dont… well idk what happens so suicidal adults. call the police on me. my methods arent any more#refined than they were when i was 14 trying to drink. nail polish.#simons spouting#vent :(#suicide //
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once ir reached 3am im gna plsay ml
#everybody is half asleep every time i play matches on ml at that time and its fuking hilaruosu#even me too cuz the enemy cld be right in front of me and ill miss all of my skills like What (rlyl happened and i was embarrassed cuz that#was quite litrly a free kill)#uehm ill try playing tank ig (very Ew unless its esme my queen<3)#i have tigreals special skin but ugghugurhg i wanna play pretty girls!!!!#only dude im allowing myself to play is nolan n cyclops and THATS IT#my nolan skills have degraded terribly tho i used to be so good at him when he first realessed#but he started getting banned every match and overtime i just forgot how to use him</3#+ i prefer to play more sustain junglers now like esme cuz id rather last long in a clash than die w just 1 wrong move#thats why im esme's Biggest Fangirl Ever (real)<3333#but i fucking hate playig as the jungler so thats that ig#I MISS MY MARKSMAN ROOTS but at the same time playing mid is saur fun#i need to sharpen up my luo yi skills cuz i wan buy oracle of sol skin w the promo dias#actually idk how promo dias work#like can u buy any skin or will there be like options to choose from idk#but either way i want to buy oracle of sol soooo bad just bc it looks so pretty#halloween lylia is alr but..... oracle of sol fx...... :(#oh help im looking thru my heores rn and i literally forgot that i have novaria#why did i even buy her bro im so shit at aiming my skills (see: first few tags)#same way i want to play selena but i know that aiming my skills i sjust . not it for me HWKJFGH#ermmemrm for marksman i doubt ill be going back to being a mm main any time soon#and if i hav to play mm in a match ill pick ixia anyway butttt i rlly rlly wanna learn how to play karrie#cuz the pro karrie players i get matched w are literally so scary liek i Cannot farm properly . they alwys zone me out!!!!#and its scary cuz once i get out of my tower she'll fucking punish me for that and i die !!!#one day one day#oooh also beatrix i wanna learn but just looking at her plethora of guns has my eyes confused#so sadge but uhhh i also rlly kinda wanna play melissa but it just seems that shes rlly rlly squishy#like she just has that kill them before they kill u kind of strat and most of the time it works but#i literally get like 20 heart attacks when i see my hp drop below 50% and i usually fumble my skills after that hhaaha#uhm anwyay i think i rambled elong enough her
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why havent i been talking to the much much cooler and better older sister who is a furry and super nice and fun to talk to and cares about my opinions and feelings instead of the one who cant respect boundaries and makes me feel like a mistake and doesnt care abt how i feel
#the bin#shes also the only normal person in my family#and when i say normal i mean it in a treats other people with respect way not in a societally normal way#cause she the least 'normal' of my family in that way. which is a good thing. be a freak. autism makes u cooler by default#idk. she sthe only person who i feel like actually cares about me and my opinion and wants to hear what i have to say and views me right#i wish we talked more when i was younger. shes so nice. i hope when i move we can houngout together more and maybe watch some movies#and talk abt stuff or smth. we r probably gonna play some games together soon which is nice#i miss her. i think i can also talk to her abt how our other sister kinda sucks. i know she views her pretty highly or at least used to but#i still think i can. i dont think itll make her uncomfortable.#ive been looking over the past years with my other sister and they havent really been any good mostly#ive just been so isolated and sad that it was better than nothing but its past that point now#if id had other people to talk to then i wouodnt have soent so much time with someone making me feel worse#i also think shes just made me a worse person overall. more judgemental. the past year ive become very against that trying hard to not#and she gets very upset with me when im like hey. yknow. id rather assume the best of random strangers not doing anything that bad#i dont wanna assume everyone is an inconsiderate asshole because they arent. life circumstances we dont know about could be#the reason for this honestly pretty mild inconvenience. if u wanna think otherwise then thats fine but dont day it around me#idk. im tired of it. im still super sad but ive become a much more bright and hopeful person because im trying to be#it actually sucks to view the whole world as horrible and everyone around you ass horrible#idk. maybe i can get my other sister to do the fun stuff with me i dont like doing alone#cause it makes me unbelievably sad to realize i dont have anyone to ask anymore at all. period. but maybe it doesnt have to be that way
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#so ive spent the past several days moving from my apartment to a new townhouse and tbh literally everything is as bad as i was worried about#like first of all its kind of in the middle of nowhere#like the neighborhood is in the middle of an industrial park with nothing around but offices#which is great for my roommate who now has a 5 minute commute. but not great for me who has to commute 30 minutes on the highway#its also a lot smaller#like the house itself is bigger and all of the spaces that are my roommates are bigger#but my bedroom and bathroom are a lot smaller and theres no storage#so ive had to go through everything i moved here just to see how much i can get rid of just so i can have space to live#like i asked my roommate if i could store some of my yarn and fabric stash in the office#and she technically said yes but i know she really meant shed rather i not#so ive spent the past several days panicking because i dont know what to do about any of it#the worst part is that the day we move out i leave for a cruise which should be fun but instead its just another thing to be stressed about#i hate this place already and i wish i had a choice to go somewhere else#i wish id at least been able to see it before coming in to get the keys#cause the pics online were really shitty and i had to dig to even find a shitty walkthrough video#it doesnt help that theres been a bunch of drama with my guild that might mean i end up leaving and quitting the game#im just so tired of it all and i just wish that i had *anything* to look forward to right now
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