#im gonna be stressed til i move

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

The horrors* are endless

[sometimes-stufful]

Hey guys. It's been um *checks watch* like 5 or 6 years since I've used this blog. How's everybody doing? Sorry for the unannounced hiatus all that time ago.

I don't know if this blog will become active again. However there is a good chance that it might! I'm starting to create a plot for the blog's characters (because I still love them dearly), so hopefully I can create that and get this show up and running again. I've also been updating everyone's refs. So even if I don't come back to posting here officially, I think I'm going to at least upload those. I also have some new characters in the works that I may post refs for if I don't go thru with returning/making this blog more plot-centric.

I really do want to return to sometimes-stufful. However I'm an adult now (I'm literally about to turn 25 in 10 days, holy shit), and the past few years have been rough as hell on my mental health. I've lost a lot, and am just starting to heal from everything that's gone down. And I work full time, and have a datemate now, so finding the chance to draw is difficult. But this blog helped me on my art journey before. And I'd love to use it as an excuse to draw more, which is the main thing that pulling me back into the pokemon ask community. Another thing that's been pulling me back is the strong af urge to create content for my characters. Because I still love them so very much. I think about them so often that I want to put them in Situations and share it all with you. Although first I wanna get better at drawing humans lol (its relevant I swear). But I could get back into the swing of drawing some 'mons if I really set myself out to.

Let's see how it all goes. I'll keep you all updated. For those of you who have stuck around waiting so long, thank you. I hope to join you in this community again soon.

In the meantime, here's where you can find me and my artwork:

Main blog Toyhouse Artfight

[wachi-delectrico]

Me, the three weeks I was home alone: Wow I'm eating on a much better schedule with a greater variety of meals and feel physically and mentally great, I haven't binged in forever and I'm able to hold back when I feel the urge to - why don't I do this when my family is around?

My family: *buys too much red meat, which I don't like much* *doesn't buy many vegetables and when they do they run out super quickly* *buys too much frozen and sugary food, which I don't like* *either nobody washes the dishes or they do but they keep stacking clean dishes on the countertop instead of putting them away, making the kitchen look super cluttered and hard to navigate* *they're downstairs all the time working and talking and yelling and doing a lot of noise and moving all over*

Me, starting to skip meals again due to the stress and lack of foods I enjoy: Ah,

[ace-with--a-mace]

so i went to the dr and it was alright

[pro-mammonologist]

girl, that mammon head cannon of him rubbing the tip on mc’s clit 😩

MAKE IT INTO A FANFICCCC URGSJSNELMD

Okay :)

Impulsive sex with Mammon tends to be needy, messy, and quick. For someone like him, quickies used to be the way to go, just get himself off and his partner and go on with it, but with you?

It’s like all that pent up emotion pours out when his mouth is on yours.

He was already half dressed when you left the shower, occupied by his DDD. You had entered his room and shed your towel to get dressed but you could feel Mammon’s eyes on you… and then you heard his phone click and his bed shuffle behind you.

“Mc.”

“Yeah?” You whipped your head around and saw him on the edge of the bed.

“Don’t bother gettin’ any clothes on.” He patted his thigh. “Unless you don’t wanna.”

You sighed and looked toward his crotch, the bulge of gym shorts getting larger. You stuck out your lower lip in a fake protest. “I just showered.”

“Like I said—“ He attempted to speak but you beat him to it. You shuffled over and planted yourself down on his lap and ran your fingers through his hair.

“Man, you’re so aggravating.” He blushed and held your face, pulling you to his lips. It didn’t take long for Mammon to start moving your hips so you were grinding against him.

You wanted to tease him for being needy but he was too occupied with trying to practically swallow your mouth. You could feel how hard he was getting, prompting you to pull his shorts down. He let you lift up so he could shed them, leaving the two of you to be ass naked.

You gasped for breath and giggled. “Commando?”

“Usually I sleep naked anyways.” He nipped at your neck and started palming at his cock. “Touch yourself, Mc.” He bit at your lip and looked to your face for approval. Intrigued by his idea, you slowly traced circles around your clit. “I love it when you go slow, Mc, it’s like yer tryna tease me.”

You looked at the smirk on his face, instantly feeling a throb in your pussy, memories of that look flying through your mind. Mammon looked down again to watch your fingers move while picking up his own pace. Mammon could feel himself throbbing along with you, his need to cum overwhelming.

He didn’t know what it was that made him a needy mess today. Maybe it was the buildup of all the stress from exams and Lucifer and everyone making him need release? Or maybe how you’ve spent almost every night with him in his own bed and have yet to fuck in it since sleeping with him in his room. Or maybe it’s just how you so shamelessly stripped in front of him fresh out of the bath as though you’ve been married for years.

Regardless, he was already close and it brought him shame almost, but he’s not the kind to stop when he���s started. “Mc, you’ve got me so turned on, it’s like I haven’t cum in weeks.”

“Mm. You’re already close?” You felt dazed, the idea of him cumming in less than 5 minutes just from you rubbing your clit a little made you feel powerful. “How many rou—“

“I’ll keep goin til you’re satisfied.” He read your mind. “Im gonna cum.” He furrowed his brows together and let out a choked breath. “All over your pretty pussy.”

“Give it to me, Mammon, cum on my clit.” The thought of your cum covered fingers and clit made his stamina kick in tenfold. You used your fingers to part your lips, giving him a better sight and more to cum on.

“Fuck, Mc!” He angled himself downward, ropes of cum coating his cock, fingers, and your pussy. You twitched at the warmth dripping down, feeling your cheeks heat from the sight.

Mammon pumped himself slower, letting out raspy sighs and whimpers. You could see more hunger in his eyes, the way his eyes stayed fixated on your lower half, watching how his cum slowly dripped down. He looked to your upper lips prompting you to lean forward and kiss him.

His kiss was still so desperate, so breathless. You went back in for another, sucking at his bottom lip. Mammon was so sensitive that your actions made him whine, ready for more.

“Mammon, I need you to make me cum.” You pulled away from him, watching his tongue sweep across his lips.

“Don’t worry.” He pressed his tip against your clit and kissed you once more. “I wanna make you lose it.”

He started rubbing himself against your clit even tho his body was spasming and too sensitive. Mammon whined and let out choked gasps, clenching his eyes shut and then rolling them back.

You were enthralled with his body, with him. You started to grind back against him, adding more friction. “Mammon!”

He threw his head back. “Mc, oh my fucking—fuck!” He let you grind against him, guiding your hand to press him against you. You let him lean back on his hands and set the pace for him and you. “Mm, don’t be too mean, please.”

You moved your hips up and down, pressing him against you just a bit harder after hearing him. “Thought you liked mean?” You chuckled at him, watching his face go red.

“Mc…” his mouth went agape and his thighs twitched under you.

“Can’t talk huh?” You moved faster, chasing your own orgasm now. You loved the way his cock felt sliding on your cunt, lubed up perfectly with your own arousal and his cum. He concurred, fixated on how it felt and how desperately he wanted to feel your walls squeeze him in.

“I wanna see you cum so bad.” He pleaded, repositioning so that he could whisper in your ear. “Wanna fuck you till you make us both a mess.” His words sent a shiver through you, reminding you of his ever present need for more. “Wanna make you—hng—make you scream from so much.” He reached up to your head and pulled at your hair, grasping for control as his body still moved through the shockwaves of overstimulation.

“Fuck me til I beg for mercy, please Mammon. I wanna cum so bad.” You spoke some dangerous words, unsure of it was the high talking or something you really wanted. Regardless, it was enough to convince him he had to fuck you too.

“Cum, treasure, cum for me, so I can fuck you nice and good.” His breathing was beginning to calm, sending you a sign he was recovering dangerously fast.

“Yes!” You didn’t care about the danger. “Please Mammon! Fuck!” Your body tensed up and your head threw back. “Mammon, Mammon!” You came for what felt like a century, powerful enough to make you go dumb, not feeling Mammon’s hands grip your waist.

Watching you try to regain your strength, he waited for the perfect moment to flip you around so that your were on your back. You hit the mattress and instinctively spread your legs and put your arms above your head. He pulled you to his hips and eyed your cum coated cunt before pressing his tip at your entrance. You felt a tinge of fear but that only enhanced your want for him.

He could see it too. “I’ll make you feel like you’ve never felt.” He slid in slowly, savoring how you twitched around him.

“Oh god…”

“Mmhmm.” His self-control was impeccable at this moment, feeling how you were still so tight from the shockwaves of cumming so hard. “You sure you can take it?”

“I wanna.” You responded without a second thought. “Fuck me until I can’t handle you anymore.”

He didn’t waste any time, thrusting into you the way he’s been craving all week. You wrapped your legs around him and cried out. Clenching your eyes together you gripped the sheets above you, pulling at what you could. You reached down to rub your clit again, trying to add to your pleasure, but the shock of the stimulation was so much that your whole body spasmed.

“Ah!” You cried out again.

“Keep touchin’ yourself, Mc.” Mammon demanded softly but desperately. You did as he asked and struggled around him, your body moving wildly from the overstimulation. Mammon watched you hungrily, wishing he could touch your clit too, but he was too busy holding your hips in place.

“Mammon!” You cried out again, repeating his name frantically as if was the only thing you knew. He listened to you cry out his name, loving how praised him.

“Keep sayin’ my name like that and I’m gonna cum.” The sound of your skin slapping together on top of your whines and pleads made him almost ecstatic. He was moaning with you, loving how your pussy pulled him in so perfectly and how you never once took your eyes off him. “Oh, I’m gonna fill you up so fucking good.”

You were chasing another orgasm, pushing yourself as much as you could, knowing Mammon was getting close again as well. You were pleading with him, begging for him to make you cum. “Mammon, I need more please!” You begged like he was denying you, though he fully intended to make you cum as hard as he could.

“Mc, I’m gonna cum again. I’m gonna cum all over your pussy!” His grip on your waist was bound to leave marks, but you didn’t mind. “Mc, beg for my cum.”

“Please, Mammon, cum inside me, please!” You struggled to get the words out, breathlessly begging him.

“Yes! Good fucking human!” He released, filling you to his hearts content. “Mc!” He slowed a little but continued his thrusting. “I don’t wanna stop.” Mammon was a mess now, twitching and shaking, his thighs trembling as he continued to thrust.

“Mammon, you look so fucking hot.” You reached for his head that was now leaning over you, pulling at his hair.

He whined more. “‘M not stoppin’, not till you cum again.” He used all of his strength to increase his pace, but his cries by now we’re loud and uncontrollable. He didn’t care who heard, not in this moment. “Fuck! Mc! It’s too fucking much!” He didn’t stop.

“Mammon I’m so close.” You pulled at his hair harder, his eyes rolling back.

“Cum for me! Please! I need you to cum!” Mammon was so beautiful and desperate, so overwhelmed. “I wanna feel you, make me feel more.” Even then, he wanted more.

“Mammon!”

“That’s right, cum Mc!”

“Mammon, I’m cumming!”

“Fuck! Good Mc, that’s so—FUCK!”

You cried louder than you ever have before, almost screaming as you came. Mammon’s body lost its strength and he nearly collapsed on top of you. His scream outdid yours, your name filling the walls surrounding you. You pushed his chest, unable to form the words “I’m done”, luckily he was pushed far enough as well.

“Mc, I can’t take anymore.” He breathed, closing his eyes as he used his arms to prop himself up.

“Me neither.” You helped him slide out of you, moving so he had more leverage. His cum followed his cock as it left your pussy, dripping onto his bed. “Sorry.”

“I don’t care, it’s okay.” He laid beside you, legs still tangled in yours. The two of you laid there, breathing heavily and seeing stars. “You okay?”

You turned your head toward him. “Yessir.” You put your forehead to his. “Are you?”

“Mmhmm.” He closed his eyes and reached for your cheek. “You always fuck me to sleep.”

You smiled. “We need to stop asking for things we know we can’t handle.” You turned to your side and reached for the towel you tossed into the floor earlier to wipe yourself.

Mammon shuffled his blankets back so the two of you could bury yourselves under them. “We? No, that was you.”

You got under the covers with him and kissed his forehead. “You said you’d fuck me til you dropped.”

“Well, I dropped!” He protested and kissed your lips. “Stop accusin’ me and let me hold you.”

“I’d never object to that.” You nuzzled into him and he wrapped his arms around you making you tangle your legs with his. “Never.”

“Better not. You’re stuck with me now.” With one last giggle, the two of you closed your eyes and drifted off to sleep.

[amazingmaeve]

matt murdock fic recommendations

I know that this was already uploaded ages ago but the link that it was really weird and I couldn’t edit it so I just thought about redoing it and putting them here. also some won’t be on here because the link isn’t working and I couldn’t find it.

anyways these are fics that I just love and adore and deserve all the praise and attention they get. so you should totally give them all the likes and comments because the authors sure as hell deserve it.

also what i interpret things as fluff/angst might be different to other people and it's just an opinion based.

ೃ⁀➷ fluff/smut

a slow day by @solemnly-mischievous god it’s just so good and the writing is just *chefs kiss* no other words than amazing!

ೃ⁀➷ fluff/a smidge of angst

sleepless nights by @carters-things it’s just so amazing and great I love the boys of angst followed up by fluff and it will always be one of my favorite fics for matt.

ೃ⁀➷ fluff/smut/little angst

nighttime activities by @crazyxshit can feel the angst in this and it is so good that I would love to read it for the first time again because it’s so amazing. so if you hadn’t read it do it now.

ೃ⁀➷ angst/smut/teeny fluff

spawn ii by @elsolario it’s an au obviously and I love it because it is the devil!matt and it’s so great and it is executed so perfectly. it’s just so good and I recommend everyone should read it. (18 up of course)

ೃ⁀➷ angst/smut/kinda dark

blasphemy by @spencer-van-sunshine so it’s an au again I just love au and it’s a priest!matt au and it’s so good and the author is amazing. as the author states it has some dub con elements so if you aren’t comfortable with than you shouldn’t read it.

ೃ⁀➷ fluff/smut

im gonna ruin you by @aimerriarkle as the other fics listed here it is amazing and I love reading it, it just gives my stomach the butterflies.

ೃ⁀➷ fluff/smut

zip and rewind by @clints-lucky-arrow it’s just so steamy and I love it. the authors amazing and it’s written so beautifully. it’s just ugghhh these are the fics with the writing that i have strive to have.

ೃ⁀➷ fluff

heartbeats by @clints-lucky-arrow it’s just so fucking fluffy and I love it, I love pregnancy fics even though right at the moment I can’t even see my self with a child. idk why I just love these types of fics so much.

ೃ⁀➷ fluff

moving in by @darling-i-read-it matt is just…… a bit of a mess in this fic and you know what I don’t blame him, and it’s just amazing and I love it.

ೃ⁀➷ fluff/smut/teeny bits of angst

the devil of hell’s kitchen by @arahxdjarin there are multiple fics that I love that have the reader basically being matt’s personal nurse and this is one of these. it’s so fluffy with sprinkles of angst and smut it’s just too good.

ೃ⁀➷ fluff/smut

stress by @stranger-nightmare amazing, beautifully written a piece of art that should be praised til the end of times. so good and I recommend everyone who is of age to read it.

ೃ⁀➷ fluff/angst

the defense rests by @dameronology love the fics where they have to hide their relationship and this one of them and as said before I love it.

ೃ⁀➷ fluff

new case by @darling-i-read-it spoilers for spider-man no way home and let me tell you I got so excited for the fic while reading the synopsis because I had seen the movie and loved it. but it’s amazing. the fic and the movie of course. but if you hadn’t watched the movie watch it first.

ೃ⁀➷ fluff/smut/angst

let me hear you by @stranger-nightmare it’s just such a comfort fic for me. comfort fluff, comfort angst, and comfort smut and i love reading it when I’m in my feelings because it always perks my mood up.

ೃ⁀➷ fluff/smidge of angst

bad dream by @ola-elaina another comfort fic that just makes my heart flutter every-time I read it and it never fail to make me happy.

ೃ⁀➷ smut

stress relief by @fluffyprettykitty i LOVE dom matt fics and this one of many examples of those fics and it’s amazing.

ೃ⁀➷ fluff

heartbeat by @darling-i-read-it another fic where the reader is pregnant and matt finds out through his hearing. i love this fic as much as the other one and they’re not the same fic obviously but nonetheless you should just read it.

ೃ⁀➷ fluff

flirting at work by @pastafossa more tooth rotting fluff and god it’s good and foggys there and he is annoyed at the two and if you were in his shoes probably wouldn’t blame him. such a cute fic.

ೃ⁀➷ fluff

up against the wall kiss by @pastafossa it’s such a trope but it’s an amazing way at writing a trope that I adore so so much and it’s sfw so just go and read it if you like matt murdock fics.

ೃ⁀➷ smut/teeny fluff

no sympathy from the devil by @write-orflight it’s kinda enemies to lovers and set in the college time. just so good and great I love enemies to lovers when done right and it’s done so right here since they’re still kinda enemies.

ೃ⁀➷ angst/fluff

running red by @titan-sl8yer it’s such a role reversal where the reader gets attacked and matt has to clean her up and it’s amazing it’s just amazing.

ೃ⁀➷ smut/fluff

overworked by @writingdumpster this fic is just matt being a good boyfriend and the reader is just trying her best to get her work done and I love it.

ೃ⁀➷ smut/fluff

what’s your middle name by @thegingerwriter there’s a lot of humor in this that makes it even greater than it already was and it’s just the reader guessing matt’s middle name.

ೃ⁀➷ smut

justice is blind by @lovelybucky1 friends with benefits is another trope that i absolutely love and adore and this is again one of these fics and read it please if you’re of again obviously

ೃ⁀➷ smut

nsfw alphabet by @lovelybucky1 self explanatory and I always love these ones so please give it a good ole read.

ೃ⁀➷ smut/kinda fluffy

far from innocent by @singledadharrington as said before love dom matt murdock and this fic is just full of it so if you’re 18+ and love dom matt murdock smut this is the fic for you.

ೃ⁀➷ angst/fluff

fleeing moments by @titan-sl8yer god it’s just so fluffy with some angst that melts my heart every time I read it. amazing.

ೃ⁀➷ fluff

morning after by @spideyhexx this fic is the epitome of fluff and matt murdock and if you want to read all that good stuff don’t look any further it’s right here.

ೃ⁀➷ fluff/smut

woman ii by @petertingle-yipyip there’s so much flirting and teasing in these fics that make my heart skip a beat. and they’re ugghhh so amazing.

ೃ⁀➷ smut

client calls by @clints-lucky-arrow a lot of teasing matt in this one and it’s great I love it.

ೃ⁀➷ fluff/teeny angst

the seven stages of matt murdocks jealousy by @alrighty-matty this one is amazing because I usually fics of the reader being the jealous one and it’s swapped here and I love it and I’ll always love a jealous matt.

ೃ⁀➷ fluff/smut

I know you wanna go to heave but you’re human tonight by @2-fast-2-curious husband matt this time and with a breeding kink it’s great and paired with so much fluff and I can’t help but to love it.

ೃ⁀➷ smut

idle hands by @beyondspaceandstars just pure smut and as before I love matt murdock smut and I can’t help but to read every time I see it.

ೃ⁀➷ smut/angst/fluff

not again by @mvtthewmurdvck exes to lovers not a very appreciated trope and one I love and I think I love a lot of tropes fyi. it’s angsty but with a happy ending which I personally love.

ೃ⁀➷ fluff/smut(?)

the girl next door by @deceitfuldevil the reason of the question mark is due to masturbation that’s why I put that here but most of the fic is just fluff and it’s amazing.

ೃ⁀➷ smut

devilish by @foli-vora it’s a lot of teasing and smut which I personally love and this something that every matt murdock lover above the age of 18 should read.

ೃ⁀➷ smut

distractions by @milf-murdock movie night to fucking is an amazing plot ugh.

ೃ⁀➷ angst/fluff

sick twisted fantasy ii by @multiharlot it’s so angsty but with fluff and a happy ending and it’s also a fic where it doesn’t end up blaming karen. I know confusing just read it please.

ೃ⁀➷ angst/fluff

fragile by @devils-dares so angsty where matt needs a hug and he gets some comforting.

ೃ⁀➷ fluff

matching pairs by @peachiswritingg I love, love it when authors write love languages and this the matt murdock version of that and it’s so adorable.

[ipatrichor]

my thoughts on dead boy detectives after watching episode one

okay first of all i gotta say i love the vibe. two ghosty boys running around solving cases and helping trapped spirits move on? that's so fun i love them

tbh. i don't know whats going on btween these two if it's platonic romantic whatever and i don't think any distinction can be drawn that matters. maybe that's the aro in me but they are each other's most important person and who cares about the semantics!!!

charles trying to get edwin to learn self-defense is very sweet. however i will say girl how has this not happened sooner. you literally just got chased through london by a knife ghost and your next case involves fistfighting a possessed psychic Please learn to throw a punch minimum. i would say learning how to fall properly is more important but it's not like they can get more dead. so.

unless they go to the afterlife or something i guess? interesting stakes, especially with the lady from the end of the episode who's looking for them. also the scene hanging outside the window was very sweet, with edwin promising he won't let them get separated. at this point i think it could go either way whether that was to establish their dynamic or to foreshadow, so we'll have to wait and see if the promise holds, but either way very touching moment

crystal my girl crystal!!!! i love her so much holy shit she is so messy!!!! i love love love her getting angry about her shitty situation bc. yeah! that's scary as hell having amnesia bc ur literal demon ex stole your memories and she's got no one except the boys, one of whom very openly doesn't want her around. that's really rough and i Love that she blows up at them about it in a moment of extreme stress instead of being unnaturally chill about an objectively awful situation like many mystical characters (especially when they're women)

anyway i think crystal should get a knife and stabbing privileges. she'd for sure misuse them but i think it'd be funny

edwin is so real for the 70 years in hell thing. girl if i was in the torture dimension for SEVEN DECADES i'd be awful to everyone, it's actually impressive that he restrains himself to being a petty bitch. good for him tbh, i think he's earned the snark. don't get me wrong it's unhelpful and sometimes downright mean, but it's also funny so i'm letting it slide

the witch... esther i think? god what do i say about her. ok im first gonna start with this: she's fucking chilling, it's so scary watching her body the group with ease until charles basically hail-marys and possesses her AND EVEN THEN it's for less than a minute til she forces him out!! it feels like encountering the bbeg when your party is level five- you know you can't touch her and have to play the situation carefully so she doesn't just end you, and the win is getting away with a different objective (here saving the kid) while knowing she's gonna be actively hostile to you now. scary stuff!

idk if this is the popular opinion or not but i just don't find her hot 😭 like yeah she's serving incredible cunt, but her awful pta mom energy keeps that from being attractive. idk if it's the mommy issues but i would feel unsafe and constantly judged in her presence which is usually a dealbreaker for me finding people hot. sorry ma'am i deeply respect your vibe and the cunt you serve i would just avoid u like hell if u were real

the whole snake in a bone dimension in her cupboard is pretty cool though, and i love that her blowing smoke in people's faces isn't just a power play but a paralytic that's So clever

any other thoughts.... the girl with long hair is pretty, and that interaction with crystal has me wondering if the show got cancelled for lesbianism. i feel like maybe not? idk, if it was the start of a relationship that seems weirdly at odds with the tone of the rest of the show, so im leaning more towards crystal was picking up a weird psychic vibe from her that might be important later. who knows though!! i'll just have to find out haha

anyway i got sucked back into reading a novel but i should get caught up on that sometime today and then it's on to episode two, lol. very interested to find out what's up with the cat's vague ominous warning and what esther's gonna do when she finds out they rescued the kid she kidnapped

[storiesofsvu]

CM 17.3

Alright!! 17e3 here we go!!

(I meant to rewatch the first 2 eps before this but didn’t get around to it, so a more in-depth review/more film student analysis is still to come.)

Enjoy this chaos with no context for now! (a lot of it likely isn’t gonna be fully fleshed out cause I have a full thought/reply and try my hardest to type it all out super fast before the show moves on but I have to stop to pay attention OR something else comes up and im just SCRAMBLING)

Absolutely hate there’s no subtitles right away for this but I mean.. I could wait a couple of days til its on Disney I just have no patience.

GOD why is it so fucking dark.

Thank you Emily for not letting luke spill the beans, like, kinda like Rebecca as a person, but can’t trust her as long as her job goes

Okay, em is in the right here, both in the sense of keeping it quiet originally but also making luke keep hush. Cause im sorry but she’s right. It would’ve 1000% drove the team to the brink and split them apart AND made them spiral so deep about what was on the site/other people seeing them/trying to cleanse the web of them (which obvi is impossible). Esp jj of all people? Like I’m not really sure *what* is on there, but jj is the one with KIDS, a full family, she’s still in contact with her parents (at least the mom?) she’s probably likely known in the circle of the boys friends parents? Like that’s SO much damage control to stress over??

Im so fucking excited for prentiss’ wacko neighbour to come back loool

LOOOOLL em’s “oh.. oh no…” reaction. I love this.

Did pen just say “tik tack” instead of tik tok? or was I not listening properly lol

“what are you gonna do?” “put out fires” that is LITERALLY a boss’ job. This being said as a boss.

“I don’t want to say no to your face…” SAME girl… same

GOD Emily is so fucking beautiful

This back and fourth with Garcia and her opinions on tyler is SO annoying. At first she hates him and doesn’t want to even look at him, then they’re flirting, then they’re fucking. Then she’s all twitterpated and wrapped around his finger. Then she AGAIN wants nothing to do with him?? Even though in the last ep she was all high school girlie about working with an “ex”?? I GET that the writers/showrunners are piling the comic relief onto her/the situation but come ON.

“I didn’t call you” “your landlord did” BRUH. COME ON. I don’t care how crazy things are, you ALWAYS double check that! I once saw a dude backing into my driveway with a ladder and immediately went outside to be all “uh..hello?” he immediately pulled out his phone, named my landlord, pointed out what he was there for (damage to the siding of the house, I hadn’t noticed cause I hadn’t left the house and live in the basement) AND offered to call my landlord. ALWAYS BE SUSPICIOUS.

WHY THE FUCK ARE JJ AND LUKE PAIRED UP!!!!????? Jj’s a profiler, she’s obvi gonna be able to get it outta luke, or press him for details, or whatever. If he’s supposed to keep shit quiet why tf are they off together. (or were they specifically asked to be together by voit? Cause that’s just him playing into his bullshit again)

“Emily practising deception isn’t a lie. It’s good leadership” THANK YOU.

Also...to feed all the jemily shippers out there… if this was a fic written by me.. it would be bundled into the AI shit, but there would be pics of Emily and jj hooking up that were very easily proven to be legit and the entire situation would out them and that’s what the actual issue was/is with the site…

I understand jj is outside with Sydney and luke’s job is to keep the girls distracted inside but of COURSE its himbo’s first reaction to pull out the soccer ball INSIDE.

Okay is that just some weird direction/camera angles or are we eluding to the older sister being a cutter?

Emily’s reactions to brian were perfection.

JFC NO! who’s out there stalking them? Uggghh (though I will say that the moment something clinked in the parking garage I said to myself “pls don’t let her get kidnapped in ep 3…”

I KNEW IT WAS CARBON MONOXIDE!! So smrt

Why does it feel like tyler knows more about gold star than the bau does?

Oooo but he cloned the phone! Good boy!!

Penelope: in charge of tracking down tyler

Tyler: texts Penelope “I need to see you”

Penelope: “NO!” doesn’t reply….

Ah yes.. I was right about the cutting… oof. Uugggh talk about heartbreaking..

LOOOOL tara teasing rossi! “I think I pulled… everything…” HHAH

Im not gonna lie, I absolutely HATE that they went down this AI *porn* route, as if these fucking poor characters haven’t been through enough, and like, again as I said, JJ… she’s got the most damage control to do no matter what, and poor girl hasn’t dealt with more than half her trauma so far…

“but I didn’t exactly get it legally, so you know what rebecca’s gonna say” THANK YOU. But also, like fuck that. cause this show has ALWAYS been above the law in that sense. I can’t remember if I said it in last week’s summary or if it was another random post, but CM vs like, SVU is WILD because we NEVER see things past the cuffs being put on/the unsub getting killed/killing themselves. We never go to court, we never see the legal side of it BECAUSE 99% of them would be not guilty due to mental…defect? LOL I know that’s not the right word/phrase but you know what I mean. CM is about the mind of the criminal and chasing them down and finding out the trigger and stressor and figuring out the pattern, not seeing things through to court and prison.

and while I love the addition of her character (Rebecca), it’s making other characters act in ways they never have before/never would simply because now the show is implicating the legal side of things. again, love having Rebecca and that boundary in line for the team but it is messing with the normal dynamics we are used to. Like..as IF Penelope would have any issue using an illegally cloned phone in the past. She was all “don’t ask questions” “well yes I *could* get access to that record, but it is technically sealed” and hotch would be all “I didn’t hear anything…”

LOL Emily with a full bottle of wine at her desk. Love her. god she’s SO annoyed with brian and I love it.

SEE this is why luke never should have said anything. Cause it doesn’t matter how hard you try not to look, you’re never going to be able to resist being able to look it up, no matter how bad it is, how fake and evil and ugly it is, you’re still gonna want to know and jj didn’t need to see that/know about it. How is she supposed to go home and act ok now??

“okay they’re here… somehow” DUDE YOU KNOW BETTER EM! Doesn’t matter that youre in an fbi parking garage, no cop gets there that fast!!

Also..that red coat is TRENCH COAT. YEESSS

Oh FUCK YOU BRIAN

“FUCKING BRIAN!” thankkkkk you em

THAT’S HOW IT ENDS SEERIOUSLY? Ffs.

Also…in all seriousness. Em was in HER office at the BAU, somewhere you (I assume) need clearance to get on property, much less in the building or into the parking, so WHY/HOW the FUCK were both brian, the guys who beat him up and whoever took the pictures get clearance?? SHOULDN’T QUANTICO HAVE SOME PRETTY FUCKING HIGH SECURITY LEVELS???

[hazeystar]

5x11 live reaction

yea im not ready guys

oh we’re starting bad

oh it’s one of those openings

owen

fucking nuxlear meltdown??

NO THE BEARD IS GONE

tk i love you you’re stressing

carlos rafa i love your voice

oh move in talk

nancy and mateo oh it’s marriage time?

oh shit how has this not come up yet

mateo how are you getting in this fight right now

wait what the fuck that has to be illegal

owen you’re not fucking slick

paul i love you so much

tbh that sounded like the fakest call in history

WOO REPRESENTATION

‘LT’ judd you’re great

oh jesus fucking christ that was scary

yall dumb as shit for the internet

-

social worker time

i live for carlos’ face when tk said he was giving up the master room

poor baby having to talk about his dad in the past tense

tk lore drop sob

typical days work? bruh there is literally none

fourth wall break, movie scripts would be that ridiculous 

why the hesitation. 

what the fuck

what

someone’s giving up their job FUCK

tommy

tommy please

no nononono

tumors are growing

do not make orphans out of her children

DAYS???

oh thank god mateo

FUCK ITS ICE

what

don’t say it

don’t

how

how is this fucking happening

-

everything is going to shit

-

paul recognising a lgbtq+ kid and how he might need help

i love you paul

JAX DONT SAY THAT

HE DEFINITELY KNOWS WHAT ITS LIKE

PAUL ILY

SOBS

it’s okay paul you tried

okay welcome back owen hi judd

oh no we’re bringing it back 

OWEN YOURE LEAVING??

judd you bastard it’s like saying the q-word

no mateo talk now

FUCK

the gang will not take it well, but yes they will be proud

tommy baby

tommy im so sorry 

maybe you do this when they get home

oh they’re not going home

they’re not gonna see tommy

oh cry

someone help

if she coughs up blood i will hit something

CHARLES

oh i’m crying

i wanted him back not like this

SHUT FUCK UP

why did i have a feeling he’d say that

-

they’re not that strong

they can’t be that strong

i did like julius but please guys

you can rest will always kill me

please

do not

NO

hi tk what problems do you want to make me cry over 

yay tk and judd bonding time

BROTHERS

‘do the next right thing’

he’s quitting

he’s taking a leave

one last family bonding time fuck me

owen is coming down

this is the family he built together

oh fucking shit

TK DOESNT KNOW????

all you fuckers jinxing it

it’s the end of the tucking world

1 HOUR???

please guys

ok who the fuck made that graphic so fast

-

so in case you didn’t know i’m not okay

i’m sunburnt so my face also stings from crying

yall it’s been like 5 minutes what the fuck-

sorry it’s been 20, you guys lost your mind so fast

bet i like doctor who im jumping in

god that was the best fire truck banter of the season

‘til the end’ so im gonna need you guys to stop

fucking impact timer go away please

tk put your damn mask on

good on you mateo

he still hasn’t told owen

sob

paul you’re amazing for that

yea end of the world really changes peoples perspectives

let’s go home i’m gonna die

-

three minutes left what are you gonna hit me with

ok back at the fire house

shit 7 minutes

126 forever

NO THR TARLOS CLIP

“hi baby” SOB

NO CALL GRACE

CALL GRACE

oh owen

shut the fuck uo nancy and mateo

that’s criminal you guys didn’t put that line in the episode

that 

ending

fuck them

what the fuck

[iid-smile]

#09 ୨ৎ ⸝⸝ 🦢 @hocchans ⋆

bibi my beloved ☺️ i indeed had a great day writing this AND congrats on 500 👏👏👏 im gonna send an ask later to formally congratulate 😌 anyways... i knew sanemis girlfriend would req for sanemi (surprise surprise!!!)) 3 is a drabble, 9 and 21 are headcanons 🫶

#3 🍰 | your anniversary

"wake up."

your sleep was rudely interrupted when you feel the mattress dipping, as well as a voice you're very much familiar with shaking you out from the dream realm. while adjusting to the dim light, your first set your sight on your boyfriend sat by your side, a neutral look on his face.

there's an urge to hide yourself from the world, but you reluctantly keep your head above the surface of the blanket, the light chill in the room suddenly becoming so apparent. "it's early morning... the sun hasn't rose yet." you mumble, turning to lay on your side, facing him.

"i know." sanemi's voice is clear, a sign that he's been awake for a while. "but i want to avoid the crowds that will form during the day and later tonight."

only for a moment do your eyes squint as your brain finally picks up on what he's hinting at. "i don't mind it. it adds to the atmosphere."

"i mind, bibi." he quickly replies. you giggle, memories of his subtle annoyance in past years rising to the surface. between the two of you, he's infamous for being on edge whenever people accidentally bump into your shoulders or overwhelm you with too many voices in such small spaces.

dropping the topic, you move on to your next question. "where are we going?"

in a rare moment of hesitation, he looks off to the side, mindlessly placing his hand on your form, which just so happened to be your upper arm. "...places."

you can't help but raise an eyebrow in suspicion, now knowing he probably has something planned. "can't enjoy our anniversary if we don't get a few cuddles in first. then, i'll possibly think about getting you to spill the beans." you retaliate, holding eye contact and not looking away.

he returns your stare, his expression seeming slightly bored, but he eventually relaxes his body and furrows his eyebrows. "really?"

"really. it's a requirement." it's a well known fact that he can't refuse when you're adamant about something.

with a sigh, he gives in and lifts the edge of the covers, sliding into bed. you happily indulge in his warmth as you shuffle back to make room for him, arms coming up to wrap around his neck. a small shiver runs through you as his fingers roam over your lower back, tucking you in closer to him.

it's quiet, no words exchanged, yet you enjoy it, as being near him on this special day is more important than anything else.

by the time you look up, sanemi's eyes were closed and he was breathing steadily. seems like he fell asleep before you even got to get up. after admiring his peaceful appearance for a bit, you glance over his hair to the bedside table, and you see a bouquet of flowers, as well as a slice of cake on a plate sitting on the surface. the day has barely started, yet he's already expressing his love for you. he treats you too well.

#9 🍓 | comfort when you cry

sanemi is one of the most gentle guys out there, mark my words

since he's had younger siblings, he's used to helping people out when they're upset. with you? it's different

his smile is so gentle too... he looks totally different when he does and it's comforting seeing how soft his eyes are

he chooses between telling you not to crying and saying it's okay to cry depending on the reason

if you're feeling worried or scared, he tells you not to cry. he wipes your tears with the back of his hand or a handkerchief because he knows his skin is rough from handling a sword

if you're upset about something else, like someone you care about being in poor condition or stress, he lets you cry. he'll sit with you from the start til the end, rubbing your hands with his thumb

most of the time, he isn't too sure on what to say. he's afraid it may come off as insensitive or blunt, but he's relieved when you tell him afterwards that his words were really helpful

at the end of either situation, he gives you a big hug because he knows you need it. or if you're not a fan of physical affection, he respects that too, and makes sure to say how much he loves you

#21 🍦 | love language

acts of service

he prefers to lighten your load when you're asleep or not aware of it.

he washes your clothes before leaving for a mission at night, has your clothes laid out for you after he returns, and still manages to wake up before you (most of the time)

he plans solo vacations or relaxing days off for you if he'll be busy for a while, or if you've been overworking yourself

tell him that you're going to do some chores, and he somehow manages to finish them off before you even got to make a start

gift giving

the day after he leaves for a long mission, his crow sends over a bundle of ohagi for you + there's always a sweet letter attached

he doesn't indulge in luxuries per se, but he only buys gifts of high quality for you. you won't find this guy lacking, because he's aware of what's good and what's not

sometimes he buys unexpectedly cute items because they remind him of you. a notable one would be a plushie similar in nature to a maru one (toro and friends) and his reasoning behind it is your faces look similar when you're smiling

physical touch

not the type to initiate it himself, but accepts it with open arms, and quite literally

he enjoys hugs the most. at first, they're light, but as the relationship progresses, they get really tight

always leans down so you can reach him for hugs, kisses, whatever you want to do. it's very, very rare that he teases you for your height if you're showing him affection, because he treasures every single interaction

he needs a hand on you in public, just to protect you. pda isn't necessarily his thing, but this is for safety reasons. it puts him at ease, even though he's always keeping an eye on you

event masterlist

[tpup]

Hey I hope that you are doing okay. That anon being an utter dickbag needs to just get a hobby that isn't bullying people. I hope that you are doing okay today. And hmm do you like cats?

sorry I answered all those asks, I hate seeing stuff like that on my dash I am just Worried im gonna get cyber stalked or some shit if I ignored them

Rambling because that's where my brain is rn

ahhh. sleepy day. saw my partner last night which was really nice and sweet, she needed a winter coat so we went thrifting & then went to an art thing together. it was super cold. talked and kissed and fucked in my car on a dark street. she's so sweet & it's wild that I'm dating at all considering how unwell I've been but she has been such an amazing part of my life since I met her.. I'm glad she has a spouse and a home and solid job and is financially okay. She's such a rock and so good to me and I don't have to worry about things with her. She is so understanding and proactively sweet and accommodating with my disability, it makes me cry whenever I think of it, I've never been shown that care in my life. My ex was so frustrated with my limitations and it's been incredibly healing for my self worth to see people can enjoy being with me even if I am so disabled.

I didn't know non monogamy would be something I like but the security in it is beautiful. Like, someone I love has multiple people who deeply love her and can be there for her in so many ways... there's less pressure to be each other's everything, so we can just enjoy each other in the ways we like to and lean on each other knowing it's not just two logs holding each other up but that there's a whole house. It's new to me.

I think I was up past 5 for some reason, im staying on a couch and the room is chilly anddd I have insomnia so it's always hard to sleep at night. Dragged my butt outside to move my car to avoid a parking ticket; have to move it pretty frequently which is rough. Actually bought a cane recently to make it a lil easier, bc mobility is super difficult but I can't afford to pay tickets just bc I .. can't move lol. moved car, came back inside, wanted to maybe go to the leather workshop to work on things I've been wanting to do for months but like most days I ended up passing out despite myself (while trying to respond to asks actually :P just fading out over and over, seeing my phone open to a half typed response, brain not retaining shit. I can't tell ya how many drafts I have- it's hard for me to get through any longer things without passing out at some point! It's so hard to get shit done. This is why I rarely get back to messages btw- I want to put proper brain power into conversations but I so so rarely have it, and also feel bad sending a message when I might have energy for one but know I'll be out afterwards. Not sure how to deal w it, just hoping I can get seen by a good neurologist soon who can help me with wtv tf is going on. Might be narcolepsy that's much worse than usual bc of stress and malnourishment and such!)

Woken up gently by friend, I was having nightmares. She's stressed out about personal stuff and has been really busy. One of the times I feel like I'm not a waste of space is when I get to help her destress.. just cuddle and pet her and massage the knots out of her back while she puts something calming on tv. Sometimes she'll talk about things and she seems to find what I say helpful. Sometimes we'll fuck til she's able to break out of ruminating on things & then she goes to sleep w her spouse. I like being a destress puppy. I wish I could do more to help out, I'm so used to earning my keep and showing gratitude by housekeeping or running errands, but I'm just at risk of fainting if I try that most of the time anymore. It sucks. It's hard accepting help and care when I can't reciprocate. I just exist and hope I'll be healthier and able to help others in the future.

-

I do like cats; the ones I grew up with were all feral ones my parents half took in so I'm used to being very wary of them lol. My favorite cat was okay with being pet a bit sometimes but mostly was a buddy who would go on hikes with me. Miss her a lot. I'd be out in the woods and she would just show up and walk with me for a while before vanishing again.

One of my favorite parts of couch surfing has been all the cats I get to meet... the people Im staying with now have some and they're so funny. Some cats are kinda yucky tbh I'm a bit of a germaphobe so idk if I could own my own cat or pet, but it's nice being able to watch little creatures go about their life.

I was actually typing something up about cats last night, must be in drafts lol. My partner wants to try petplay more and I was saying I simply don't know what dynamics involving a catgirl would be, and that i don't interact w cats much irl besides just letting them do their thing and try to avoid getting bitten which does not translate well into play! Puppies are intuitive, cats I have no clue

[bearpause]

2/2/2025

I wanna get back in the swing of casually doing hobby stuff. for most of my life, creative stuff has been of equal focus, in parallel to everything else- it was a habit I had as a toddler that was never really kicked, it was one class that my mind never really came down from, it was just part of me… I have particularly fond memories of in junior high, when I’d come home and sit in bed, spending hours just making a fursuit and listening to stuff on the computer til I Had to sleep among the materials because I had school in a couple hours… or I’d put hours into painting a plastic bottle to use as a makeshift carcinogen I mean bong, get up in the morning and do my makeup and still proceed to make comics and poetry all day instead of focusing in class..lmao

my life got even more chaotic because I moved into a different housing situation with more people in much closer quarters so I started to try and organize my creative time- literally, scheduling shit down to the details of the project.. which is helpful in ways, I’m pro conscious time management for sure.. but there’s a line, when I started thinking of everything as “A PROJECT”, art felt much more important and heavy than it rly was and it ironically worsened the outcome of my work.

over time I started to feel like making stuff was a weird unpaid job, not a hobby... instead of just letting it happen, usually in order to relax from responsibilities, it became another thing “which I didn’t manage to do”.

a desk is handy for some stuff but I NOTICE the different environment… I love doing stuff in bed lol. or just on the floor even….Some things, such as sewing garments, are just easier imo when sitting on a soft surface, not hunched in a chair over a wooden platform in a corner..

Although I can’t help noticing that my sleep (total hours, ease of falling asleep, ability to get up early etc) seemed to show positive change when it was just that, a bed to sleep in, not “also my main artistic space”

uhm. We Woke up to several inches of snow. Our city hasn’t gotten any this winter so it was a shock.. a pleasant surprise- I used to live in a very snowy city, learned to enjoy the freezing cold and then moved somewhere SO warm and wet that it doesn’t even matter… I miss the snow often. Ice is sort of horrifying but I miss the SNOW and grey skies and the dry cold.. <3

so.. I’m gonna go for another walk later (just briefly went around the block)… but until then, we’re doing jacket stuff \o/ IN BED BABY. any patches i’m making are small enough to just use the back of a sketchbook for a solid surface & paint-over-edge allowance below the fabric.

im also gonna draft and send some emails throughout the afternoon cuz im “investing in my future instead of letting myself rot in my dad’s place forever…”, thing is we’ve been taking work and life in general way too seriously; I draw a line because my usual creativity is just Not Happening, and when it does occur it just feels Bad. I feel like I’m not supposed to do stuff I enjoy like ever anymore because I’m an Adult.. and yeah I’m age of majority or whatever but no girl just because I’ve been employed and will be again doesn’t mean that fun is dead. overall i’ve just been feeling stagnant yet scared for a good while and I’m finally breaking out of that so.. fuck yeah

killing the cycle…

🔁stress worsened cuz im not engaging with my lifelong hobbies 🔁 not enjoying my hobbies cuz of stress 🔁

the problem with my “inertia” is that I’m programmed to feel bad for several months once it starts to die out. but that’s because we wanna fight to keep it moving…. it started to dwindle because we COULDNT fight anymore and like. I know it’s okay to rest I just think I just have this gut fear that I won’t be able to get it going again

umm just lucky to be in the phase I’m in rn I guess… moving from depression 😴 into some progression

I feel like an inspirational poster in a cartoon councillor’s office.. but it’s less frustrating when the corniness of wellbeing comes truly from inside

[f4ll3nf34th3r5y5t]

something that’s fucking crazy to experience is (I think/imo) having bpd and schizophrenia gives you some creepy dreams. I’m sure it’s possible to have similar without either of those but i feel this fueled the one im gonna mention. I had a dream where my fp(favorite person/bpd term) is on my bed, like you would be at a sleepover waiting for the host to wake up, and we had a conversation and even after waking up i was reeling bc it was so real, that’s fs a conversation we would have and that’s how they look and sound and move. Other shit happened but this is the pg part that freaked me and was abnormal. I’d never had one where someone felt so real. Even physically, i felt the warmth when i touched them(not freaky😡). I believe it’s probably bc it’s Christmas break and I haven’t seen them since the Friday it started, when im used to seeing them everyday for hours at a time. So not seeing someone i put so much mental value into can be stressful obv and we can’t call even now a couple days later after the dream bc they’re sick, and have been. Im not at all upset over this beyond yk the normal bpd infused amount, which is no ones fault and im aware of that. But its opened my eyes to how my mental illness really affects me. I really didn’t like that sleep episode for a lot of things but i woke up thinking it was real, i almost got out of bed for a snack i had seen in the not-real kitchen. This would be normal if not for the amount of time it took for me to realize it wasn’t real- freak out number 1. Freak out number 2- i had taken some serious damage at a time and upon waking up i realized that, while i was totally chill abt it b4, i was awake and alive now- i had to check my chest for a hole. Because unlike injuries before it felt so fucking real. Freak out 3- the before ranted abt person. Im mostly fine now- i wont truly be fine til we talk, even over call, but it’s been a couple days n watvr so i feel as good as ill get:) just needed to put this on log

[fallen-soul-starz]

I’m so close to just distancing myself til I go insane atp, like it’s either I watch myself rot because I get emotionally neglected and get left because I’m so overwhelmed that I can’t focus on conversations anymore..staying motivated to move from my bed was already hard, I want people to care so badly but I don’t deserve it in the slightest.. I’ve continued to fail these people and upset these people because I just can’t do it anymore.. I want to rip my skin off my bones and be burnt alive before I have to do this same thing in the next universe.. I don’t want people to leave..that’s all..I can’t deal with being left anymore.. I’m so scared to have relationships anymore because it means I may fuck it up like every time before and they abandon me..and all that weight and baggage isn’t pretty so I’m a lost cause to people who I want relationships with. I’m so sick of myself..I’m so sick of how my brain works..I need to find a way to make myself great again.. I can’t sleep at night again.. the whispers are only getting louder.

I feel so terribly bad at one point on call with people that I thought noticed and cared but idfk. I can’t say anything and even if I do it gets ignored, hell, I’m in a friend group of 2 systems as a singlet and the hosts are dating each other (so is a lot of other relationships) what did I think would happen? Im so sick of it all, I can’t escape from it because I don’t want anyone else and who would deal with me otherwise? Im too overwhelmed to have people care anyway..to stressed for that.. every way I put it i still feel horrible and overwhelmed.. I’ve got too much going on to start over + too many trust issues and attachment problems, to talk about what’s going on would take both of them to listen and understand and to not promise me lies that they’ll break in 2 days, I can’t get any type of help bc my family thinks I’m okay, and if I distance myself, I’ll end up dead from insanity anyway.

Idk, when is it my turn-? I’m ready to be set free, reincarnate as a butterfly with no worries for the future of the world or how and when you respond.

Im starting to hallucinate so im gonna stop it here and cry myself to sleep..- yeeeppp. Great. Bye guys

[ashsparagusawesomeblog]

Aug 4, 2024

3:15pm - I'm realizing sculpting is an entirely different skill from drawing. There are similarities in the know-what but the know-how is like learning to draw all over again: it's muscle memory and repetition. It's like learning to skateboard. Or to play an instrument. BUT! The first step to being good is to suck! And if it's anything like drawing, I'm going to suck for a while... But since I'm entering 3rd Year Animation, I'll see if I can at least make something decent... there's less than a month left til school!

4:45pm - I scrolled on my phone for an hour... BECAUSE IM SCARED OF SCULPTING BECAUSE ITS HARD but I need to be stronger than that !!! Gonna try to follow along YanSculpts tutorial (but also it's not that serious if I can't keep up the pace/get the same quality! Because it's NORMAL). I need to get back into the mindset of a kid: making shit just for the sake of making shit. The quality of the result doesn't matter.

5:03pm - I'm rewatching YanSculpts quicksculpt of an ear. I'm really analyzing his habits: the sculpt-smooth-sculpt-smooth pattern is like: draw line-liquify-draw line-liquify. Make a big ugly change, then smooth it out to get your intended look. Every stroke is placed so the smooth tool can finish it up/make it look polished. His strokes are like sketching too, no back-and-forth scratching. He also changes his brush size very often, adjusting it in quick scratches rather than measuring it out slowly. He hits f and scratches (changing brush size) every time he zooms in/out. All this analysis is for some reason stressing me out. My mind and thoughts are clear and logical but I physically feel anxious. I'm intaking new knowledge and it's physically affecting me?? How do I fix this? I'm gonna google.

5:18pm - Okay so apparently subconscious anxiety is a thing. I think because I'm working on a self-set deadline, my body automatically kicks into anxious mode (probably due to habit from school stress). I think I should 1) take a break from learning today. I didn't do sh*t today, but maybe I need it. and 2) change my mindset about my summer schedule. I made a plan to make a CG film in 5 weeks. Instead of trying to FINISH 3 YanSculpts courses in one f*cking week, I need to just touch on all 3, NOT FINISH them, and then move onto the next week's courses. Alright. I'm gonna go skateboard, make popcorn, and watch The Bear.

[spidercookie18]

I'm having a crisis. And im going to talk about wanting to die.

Know first that no matter how scary this post may be, I've moved past seriously attempting to unalive. I promise I have a support group, and this is not anything like that.

It is 5 a.m. when I started writing this. I woke up crying, and now im worried I'm gonna be having an existential crisis for the next few days til I can get my head on straight.

I. Am.... turning 24 in less than 3 months. And I am freaking the fuck out about it. I woke up with my ears ringing in pain, my joints aching, and my stomach and head killing me. Yes, I did it to myself, but that's not the point.

I realized, now that I am going to be.... living past my 'expiration date', that I have to live inside this body. And to live inside this body is painful.

Now that my life plans don't stop at 24, I don't know what to do.

For the longest time, it was: who cares if - - - -, I'll be dead at 24.

And now, that's not the case.

Now, I have people in my life who love me, and that would not survive hearing I died. I've never had that before, and I've never had people to live for before. It's terrifying.

This is both the best and the worst feeling in the world... to know that I get to live for them and that I'm not allowed to die.

Now that my plans include growing old, which is such a WEIRD fucking thought for me. I mean fuck, I've tried to die and begged for death for so many years. I can still feel the pain of my kidneys shutting down, and now I take daily vitamins to stay 'healthy'????

FUCK

No one ever talks about how FUCKING ODD life is after ';'

They just tell you.... fuck, they don't tell you. People have always avoided talking about this. They just talk about how 'greateful they are to be alive' and all the bullshit about how great life is!

And it is, but it's also, it is terrifying. I go to work and talk and smile to people in passing glances. I have a regular, schmegular life, and in the back of my mind when having a conversation about something so insignificant like "do you like pineapple on your pizza?" While I'm thinking about how I thought about walking into traffic that morning.

YES I DO LIKE PINEAPPLE ON MY PIZZA, AND I CAN EAT WHAT THE FUCK EVER I WANT NOW BECAUSE ME AND MY BODY DESERVE GOOD THINGS!

...I'm looking at all the scars on my body and... idk man, I don't hate them anymore, but I wish I had been kinder to myself. When I think about making new ones I just have some water and a granola bar instead.

Such a stupid fucking internal dialog too 'hey you wanna do something bad to your body?' "Nah, lets have a snack instead" lmao

And 90% of the time, it actually works!

I love my support group, and I know I stress them out. I never thought I'd be the kind of person to say they were loved. I mean, my friends are flying into town for my "congrats on beating your record for consecutive days alive" birthday party 😂 and ik its gonna make a lot of people uncomfortable, but its not for them. I like living for me.

Anyways... Now that my plans include growing old, I have to take care of my body. And I'm so fucking excited to grow old that I can't even express it in words. I get to live and watch my friends live. I can have a family and make it as big as I want, fill it with all the love and kindness the world never showed me. I want that. And I am so excited to experience the days as they come. I'm ready to be the kindness for others that no one was for me.

I still think about it all the time. And sometimes, it's really hard to push those thoughts away. Some days, it still feels like I'm drowning. Some days, I think how easy it'd have been if the thoughts had won.

And other days, I get to smile at strangers, or have a yummy drink, or feel the warm Sun on my skin in the cool autumn breeze, or eat sushi, or gossip with someone that loves me. Hell, even getting to write the damn stupid vampire fanfics is a good day for living, lol.

I am so excited to help other people live, too...

But also, fuck. Now I have to take care of myself??? It's not just "dang, i got tenitus?" *shrugs in suicide*

GAH

But also, yay. Lol.

Life is so fucking weird man. But it's good to be alive. 🩷