#i. meta. ›› somethings on my mind . always in my headspace.

[bigskydreaming]

So, been awhile! Apologies for that - took a step back from most social media sites for a few months because the accumulated stresses and everpresent urgency to most things I've been dealing with for the past five plus years finally caught up with me and I kinda just....crashed, and needed some time to get my head on straight. Or whatever the non-obvious-pun version of that might be for a Known Bisexual. Everything was getting to be too constantly 'stop and go' for me, if that makes sense.....like I'd TRY to be more present on here, TRY to work on things like my patreon and fic and meta and stuff like that because I've really wanted to get back to creating actual stuff that people enjoy instead of being like My Issues: The Latest Installment and the like, but then something else would crop up and kill my momentum before it even really got going and I'd have to duck away yet again, and rinse and repeat.

HENCE! I took a more dedicated, extended leave to try and get into a headspace and build a buffer that better lends itself to me getting back to the kinds of posting/writing conditions I've thrived under in the past. It took longer than I thought, but I've never been good at accurately estimating things lol. I've still been on twitter somewhat sporadically, since a huge part of why I hate that site is its format makes it all but impossible to really get to ranting at length...y'know, as I do, my tried and true time-suck method of procrastinating...and with everything going on in the world these days I didn't want to disconnect entirely even though I did need time to work through some shit. BUT I DIGRESS.

Point is, felt like I needed something more substantial than the optimistic-but-lacking-in-actual-energy-and-planning measures I've attempted in the past couple years in order to get on top of things and achieve a measure of consistency and stability again. Less shooting for the moon because I just WANT to be back to my older, happier/more content patterns, more....putting some actual time and thought into how I can realistically make that happen instead of just trying to will it into existence through sheer stubbornness. Because obviously, THAT always works.

ANYWAY. It'll still be a couple days before I get back to regular posting/reblogging patterns or much of any of that at all.....don't be confused if you see some blink and you miss them temporary posts from me over the next day or two. I'm testing out the formatting and layout of a bunch of posts and graphics made for my patreon and original fiction stuff, since the preview post function doesn't always work with read mores in a post and they're all gonna need that lol. If anyone's up for it, I am finalizing the price/reward tiers of my patreon and could use some thoughts on the different levels - I think I have them mostly figured out but wouldn't mind some additional perspectives on how I broke things down and if I'm missing some alternatives. Just message me directly if you'd like to weigh in or lend me your thoughts!

I've never wanted my tumblr to be all about fic or just original content or anything like that, so the patreon's meant to kinda keep all that separate beyond just generalized update announcements on here. The blog will remain just a regular multi-purpose smorgasboard of my reblogs and thoughts on other posts and meta about my various fandoms and all that jazz. The patreon discord will have spaces having to do with my various fanfics, but they'll never be exclusive to it in any way, and every fic update I make will still be on my blog same as always. I've been building masterlists of all my Dick Grayson meta and all my Teen Wolf meta, as well as headcanons and writing snippets/scenes that never got posted elsewhere because I didn't consider them full fics, and I'm starting a series of posts that lean directly into my tendencies to be an Overly Opinionated Asshole who - historically speaking - has never been, uh, shy, shall we say, about Having Thoughts about various fandom patterns or trends.

So....look out for the upcoming "Kalen Vs Fandoms" post series. What? It sounded catchy to me. First up:

"Fandoms' tendency to pick one character per fandom to have every other character introduce as the dumbest person they've ever met, but no its okay, they're actually really fond of them and universally defaulting to a judgmental or patronizing shot at their intelligence every single time they're the topic of conversation among other characters just naturally happens to be part of every single other character's love language - is this perhaps NOT as endearing or affectionate as fandoms tend to treat it as?" Aka "How many people can actually say they'd be comfortable with the idea of every single person in their family or friend group leading with "I genuinely think they're stupid but I love them anyway" each time they talk about them to someone else, and if you don't think that's a normal conversation starter for people to have about a loved one, why do so many fandoms attempt to treat it as such?"

.....the length of post title should not be taken as an indicator of how long each post is. If people want to draw their own conclusions about post length based solely on the fact that they're, well, by me.....I mean. That's totally your prerogative. Nothing I can do about that!

Post topics will run the gamut, if for no other reason than gamut is an amazing word that doesn't get used enough and I wanted to use it. From "Its totally valid to project onto characters and use fic as a way to work through various issues via that projection but how much does this have to do with how defensively people react to the slighest criticism of character choices in their fics as though personally attacked - discuss" to "Criticizing and condemning the writers of source material for specific things - to rave reviews from followers - only to then do the exact same specific things in your own fics - to rave reviews from followers - while claiming that the mere fact of being a fan not getting paid for writing those specific things somehow makes them less worthy of criticism.....are we all seeing the problem here."

There's a slight chance those titles are perhaps....somewhat unnecessarily asshole-coded, but like, in a whimsical way! I think. Whatever. I'm sure it'll be fine!

Will either rhyme OR reason be involved in the order of post topics? No. Not even a little bit. Next question.

Aside from "Kalen vs Fandoms" I've been putting a lot of thought into what other topics or content I can expound upon at length, to the possible interest of people. I'm good at writing and editing and analyzing narratives. Not claiming to be the best, just not trying to fish for compliments or anything. I think my analysis of narrative and character choices has generally been of interest in most fandoms I've been in, but when I'm IN a fandom, I do personally invest in favorite characters and stories that inevitably put me in opposition to takes from fans of other characters and stories within that fandom, and when that happens, the Horseman of Discourse inevitably follows and I....do the discourse. Look, I am who I am. I see the discourse, I engage with the discourse. Unless I don't care about the topic of discourse, in which case I don't, because that discourse doesn't matter. Obviously.

SO! In the interest of posting about narrative analysis and breakdowns of writing choices, character arcs and the like but WITHOUT engaging in The Discourse, I'll be making an easy-to-find post of fandoms or source material whose characters and narratives I'm familiar enough with TO have opinions or analysises of, but for whatever reason, the fandom has never clicked for me and I've never actually felt a desire to be part of it. Thus I'm not likely to be invested or compelled enough to follow up on anyone disagreeing with my personal thoughts or analysis or various character arcs or narratives, because its literally just like, my opinion man, presented for no other purpose than to potentially be of interest to anyone who might be interested in it. No actual follow up needed on my part because I'm not particularly chuffed if people have different takes, they're totally valid, mine don't exist for the purpose of being defended there, they just exist because Opinions, I Had Them, Here Look. Or Don't. Its Totally Whatever.

Because I don't feel as strongly about these pieces of media as I do fandoms I'm personally invested in, it is trickier to come up with a comprehensive list of ones I can weigh in on. So please feel free to hit up my inbox with any fandoms, narrative or character arcs you're curious about my take on, and I'll let you know if they're fandoms I consider myself a participant in, and thus not really right for this series, or if they're something I'm just not knowledgeable about.....but if they're not an actual fandom of mine and I AM familiar enough with them to have an analytical take or response, I'll add them to the masterlist/post as a potential topic.

This series will be called and tagged "Kalen Vs Writing Choices" (That I Personally Don't Like Or Think Could Be Better). The parenthetical part is there solely to be a disclaimer clarifying that my ego is not so great that I think that My Subjective Take on the writing choices made or not made is the only one that matters. I mean, I don't intend to include the disclaimer as part of the actual tag and will mostly leave it as y'know, like, something IMPLIED, but the disclaimer still exists and thus counts. That's totally how that works.

And that's how I've chosen to awkwardly segue into the final intended-of-three post series.....Dramatically Abrupt Tonal Shift Ahoy!

This next part will get long, but I would truly appreciate it if you gave it a read despite its length and even if - especially if - the next topic isn't one you typically look for my take on, or even avoid my take on, because I don't think I'm likely to ever express my thoughts on this matter any more genuinely or directly than this. Like I'm not trying to guilt anyone or anything like that, its more I'm just trying to say if you ever read ANY single post of mine when it comes to the next topic or pick a post to base your decision on whether or not TO wade into something I have to say on this subject, I would appreciate it if you made that this next part here, as I think it best conveys where I'm coming from when it comes to most any post I make along these lines.

So. The thing is....most people who've followed me long know that in the past I've frequently been extremely vocal on topics of rape, incest and abuse, specifically through the lens of being a male survivor. These absolutely are personal for me. This has led to me having a lot of Overly Opinionated Takes on these topics and how they're talked about, depicted and treated within fandom conversations, fics, and social media spheres and conversations at large. I've also pretty obviously not posted on these topics nearly as much in recent years as I once did - but not because I feel any less strongly about them.

And that's one hundred percent because it's frustrating as hell to see a very good portion of the posts I make about any OTHER topic in my usual fandoms go on to accumulate hundreds of notes....while NONE of my posts on these topics ever break out of my direct circle of mutuals. I don't say it to be egotistical - look how many notes I get on stuff - I say it because its literally objectively factual, and the disparity is dramatic, and the disparity is a PROBLEM. Especially given how much the topics of male rape and abuse - in SPECIFIC - tend to be, within most of my past fandoms.

This disparity has a very clear reason for existing too: people have never been shy about citing that they refrain from reblogging or referencing my posts on these topics because they feel like I act like I'm the only opinion that matters on them, the sole authority to be listened to here, that I use my status as a male rape survivor as a cudgel, to shut down opposing takes or points of view.

Which I would totally be fine with or understand if not for the fact that I've always gone out of my way to express that I don't want or expect my opinions on these matters to be taken as anything other than my personal opinions born of my personal experiences, which I cite because they're relevant. I don't think that survivors should have to disclose their status or personal history or details in order to have their opinion heard on these topics, but I deeply resent how often survivors making the choice TO disclose their personal history or relationship with these topics in order to directly unpack how that informs our perspective....is weaponized AGAINST us, in order to shut down and discredit OUR takes even while literally accusing us of only disclosing in order to do the exact same thing to others.

Something that I've posted about a LOT in the hopes of getting it spread throughout fandoms that regularly talk about male rape is for literal decades I've seen people harp on about how men can be raped too, believe male survivors, don't believe the myth that men can't be raped, etc. Which like, I appreciate the sentiment, but the thing I've tried to express for years is that in my personal experience, and those of a lot of other male survivors I've talked to - this is not really the biggest or even ONE of the biggest issues most male survivors face.

And the fact that for all that there are many survivors in fandom who have made the difficult choice to be open about their traumas and recoveries - which I ALWAYS respect, as that is never easy for any of us - a huge part of why I've always made a point to disclose my own history as a male survivor is because there just flat out aren't a lot of perspectives from MALE survivors in specific, being circulated in pretty much any of the fandom spaces I've ever been in over the past twenty years. I don't even slightly think I'm any more of an expert or authority on topics of rape or abuse - beyond how they pertain to my own personal experiences - than any other survivor. But as long as the topic of MALE rape and abuse in specific, how men are affected by these things, how society reacts to us and treats us in the aftermath....as long as these are the topics explicitly being discussed.....I do think my perspective as a male survivor is pretty fucking relevant, and admittedly, I tend to get pretty heated about pushing BACK against attempts to invalidate it or shout it down as though I somehow have LESS of a stake in or right to be heard in these particular conversations. And I get how this has at times come across as attempting to dominate a given conversation.

But like.....I'm also going to point back up to the part where I said earlier....I'm an Overly Opinionated Asshole. I say it somewhat deprecatingly, for the lulz, but also not. I'm very passionate about conversations and topics I feel strongly about and I don't make apologies for it. And for the most part....this has NEVER stopped people from reblogging or liking posts I make about pretty much any other topic....despite me not really coming across that differently in most of them, compared to how I come across in most of my past posts on topics of rape and abuse.

See....I'm in complete agreement with everyone who emphasizes that rape isn't a gendered issue. That it can and does happen to individuals of any gender or identity. But the reason why I've always found the focus on 'remember that men can be raped too' more performative than helpful is because for almost twenty years, I've been posting on these topics in various fandom spaces and trying to express that in my personal experience, something that REALLY deserves to be talked about more is the fact that rape is not gendered. But rape CULTURE very much IS.

Like it or not, we live in a very gendered society still. While yes, men can be raped too.....for a number of reasons - most of them born of sexism and misogyny in specific - the conditions, catalysts and reasons for men being raped are NOT interchangeable with those at work in instances of women being raped, as an example. Because the way society treats men and women in pretty much EVERY situation is different. Similarly, the way society REACTS to men and women disclosing they've been raped is different. And so on and so on.

So 'remember that men can be raped too' has some basis in societal claims that men can't be raped or that rape IS a gendered issue....but not as much as I think most people tend to believe. And twenty years after I first started searching out perspectives of other male survivors in online fandom spaces, beyond just real world physical support groups, I'm STILL hearing 'remember that men can be raped too' dominating all conversations about male survivors just as regularly and repetitiously as it was twenty years ago....as though the world has not changed at all, and the needle on this particular facet of male survivorhood hasn't changed an inch in the past two decades when no, actually, it very much has.

The reason why I feel so strongly about offering up my perspective as a male survivor in a relative absence of seeing other male survivors' perspectives circulated is I honestly believe the reason this is so consistently upheld as the biggest problem facing male survivors is its a carry-over from women attempting to be heard and believed when disclosing....which makes sense and is completely understandable....as long as there's a complete absence of male survivors offering up any perspective that's to the contrary.

But the fact that we live in a gendered society where rape culture, not rape itself, still very much IS gendered due to being a product of....living in a gendered society....means that the differences in how society treats and reacts to men and women affects every aspect of how society treats and reacts to men and women survivors. And that starts with disclosure itself. In my personal experience - and fully acknowledging that I don't speak for any other male survivor in this moment, and I absolutely do believe there are those who have experiences to the contrary, and that matters too - MY experience, which also matters, is that not once in the twenty years since I've started disclosing about my own rape, or the csa I experienced as a child - have I actually had an issue being believed.

With full acknowledgment of how unfair it is, how gross, the reality of living in a sexist, patriarchal society where male privilege very much exists, is that while men can be raped too, this traumatic thing that happened to us does not in any way actually invalidate or negate our male privilege. It doesn't turn it off for the duration of our experience or any time its relevant to our experiences going forward. We carry that privilege with us through our recoveries and the rest of our lives just as much as we did before it, because its an inalienable result of being in a society that allocates privilege solely on the basis of being born a man who identifies and presents as a cis man (with respect to trans individuals having another axis of experience that very much differentiates all matters pertaining to rape culture, in comparison to cis men, just as much as in the case of cis women, albeit in different ways).

And the gross unfortunate reality of our society is that it ALWAYS prioritizes believing men over women, in all matters......especially cis white men like myself.

So the simple fact is....even the act of disclosure - and the likelihood of being believed when voluntarily choosing to share the information that we've been raped - means that a cis white man like myself does not receive the same reaction as most women receive when attempting to share that same information. Society preconditions a lot of people to be more receptive to taking cis white men at their word, comparative to affording anyone else that basic respect.

Getting people to believe me when I say I was raped has never been the issue for me that other individuals face.

But that doesn't mean that my disclosure doesn't result in issues for me.

Because while being raped never invalidated or negated any of my cis white male privilege, neither did having cis white male privilege negate the possibility of me being raped - OR the fact that society ALSO preconditions people to be really fucking shitty about survivors.

(Hell, ANY kind of living victim....with this also being very relevant to abuse survivors, survivors of physical assault, etc. Much like people can be overflowing with empathy for unborn children who can't offer up any take to the contrary to whatever people want to say "in defense or support of unborn children," only to turn around and cease caring about most of those babies the second they're born, people tend to be just as overflowing with empathy for deceased victims of abuse, rape, assault and the like....who, y'know, also can't offer up any take to the contrary of whatever they say or claim about what they WOULD want, what they DO deserve, etc. Present those same people with a living child or a living victim who can and DOES have an opinion that doesn't match what those people feel it SHOULD be? Watch attitudes shift VERY quickly, as allllll that empathy hurriedly flushes down the drain as though it was never there).

But the point is, my cis white male privilege is always here regardless. But that doesn't mean rape culture isn't shitty enough that it can't find a way to circumvent even that in pursuit of discrediting/invalidating/ignoring survivors, just like that privilege can be circumvented in order to create the situation where a man is raped in the first place.

Its just....the gendered nature of rape culture means HOW those attempts to discredit/invalidate/ignore male survivors manifests.....doesn't look the same as when it leads to just outright disbelieving other survivors when they attempt to disclose.

And that is how I can be listened to and reblogged on most any other topic, no matter HOW I go about presenting myself in those posts or conversations - ironically in no small part BECAUSE of my cis white male privilege - while only getting crickets when I post on these topics, BECAUSE people only choose THOSE posts to make my presentation or level of intensity a dealbreaker, and thus their very reason for ignoring anything I have to say there. Not because they don't believe me, but because the WAY I say it is too aggressive, too biased, too emotional, too intense....its an attack on their autonomy, an attempt to override whatever they previously thought or believed about the subject and just force them to adhere to my take.

Because the thing about living in a sexist, patriarchal society is.....that IS a thing that cis white men often do, and a lot of society is structured to make it easier for us to achieve this in most instances, frankly. This just happens to be a rare exception, because for a lot of reasons that would make this post even longer - and that again, I've often posted about before - upholding and reinforcing rape culture on a society wide level supersedes the usual focus on accommodating INDIVIDUAL cis white men in having their opinions heard and circulated.

I'm trying to be as frank as possible here about the intersection of privilege and experiences of being a male survivor because I don't believe its to anyone's benefit to be disingenuous about it, and I do think that it doesn't actually supplant the fact that male survivors do have just as much right - and NEED - to be heard and listened to about our experiences with rape and perspective there, and have those ACKNOWLEDGED, as anyone else.

Its just....the existence of privilege and how that differentiates most experiences in a gendered society matters, and thus.....it needs to be part of the conversation rather than just treating all responses to rape and survivors as agendered, just because rape itself can and does happen to people of all genders.

There's actually a fair amount to get into when it comes to differences in a lot of mens' disclosures vs womens' in my experience, but just as an extension of what I'm talking about here, one of the specific elements in my experience is that men often don't have a problem being believed about having been raped or abused.....but one of the predominant responses is society is heavily preconditioned to view male rape and abuse survivors as almost inevitably feeling they need to exert a similar power over someone else in order to claim back their own feelings of pride and safety in their masculinity. Effectively.....most every male rape or abuse survivor I've ever talked with at length shares a similar experience of being believed when they disclose about being a survivor....but noting a clear and direct shift in how whomever they disclosed to interacts with them....with EVERY expression of anger or outrage - particularly in the matter of their rape or abuse - being viewed as evidence of us being ticking time bombs who are inevitably primed to explode and take out what happened to us on someone else.

There's being cautious around cis white men, for example, because we're cis white men, which I totally get and am not expressing an opinion on. I'm just saying even with that acknowledged, there is a SHIFT in how people interact with me after I've disclosed to them personally, in how they....scrutinize me, for lack of a better way of putting it, in very noticeable ways and areas. Like its consistent. And think about how its not totally true that media doesn't portray men as being capable of being raped or abused, typically. Think about how often you've seen procedurals where the backstory of the rapist or abuser of the week is specifically THAT they were a rape or abuse survivor themselves, usually in childhood. Its NOT that society doesn't believe or accept that men can be raped too. Its that society is primed to default to viewing the very act of men being raped as an indicator of the shift from them being a man to being a man who is likely to become a predator themselves.

Rape appears all the time in regards to male survivors in media. Its just it usually just appears in the context of men who arent presented AS survivors, but rather as predators or aggressors themselves, and their past victimization treated as a catalyst rather than a trauma. This is not to excuse any such character or depiction of course, its simply to emphasize that the very angle from which male survivorhood is approached in most contexts is different from that of other survivors. Just like the angle from which their survivorhood is approached is different from that of male survivors. And thus the issue most men have with disclosing in my experience is NOT that we're afraid we won't be believed....its that we're afraid once we disclose, we'll be viewed as inherently more dangerous because our victimization primes us to be that much more likely to inflict ourselves on others in some attempt to reclaim our masculinity.

And its categorically NOT about any group of survivors having it better or worse than others, which is why I LOATHE people saying variations of 'you wouldn't say that about this if it happened to a woman' because anyone attempting to pit male survivors against other survivors en masse is NOT doing so for my benefit or with my endorsement. The point is just that each way society and rape culture interacts with a different group of survivors presents different problems and issues that need addressing, and aren't interchangeable.

There is a REASON why the subject of Dick Grayson's anger - usually in the context of things that have happened to him - is so important to me, specifically in terms of ensuring that its treated as something he's allowed to have....rather than an indicator that he's going to messily explode his life in a way that impacts everyone around him negatively.

Now.....if you've never considered that aspect of rape vs rape culture and how it can differently affect and shape the experiences and recovery of cis male survivors versus trans male survivors and nonbinary survivors and survivors who identify as women.....I ask that you consider what else my perspective might be able to add to actually productive, meaningful conversations about rape, rape culture and survivorhood, that you never would have thought TO think about before, without male survivors bringing it up based on it having played a role in personal experiences.

And then I just ask that you please think about the implications of someone known for being a vocal presence in certain fandoms, with a fairly sizable number of posts widely circulating throughout them......never having posts about male rape and survivorhood circulated to any noticeable degree, despite writing DOZENS of them, in all kinds of different moods, ways and intensity levels.....and all of them while active in fandoms where male rape is regularly discussed or focused on due to certain characters or storylines......and ask yourselves if it maybe seems a little off for the disparity to be THAT large. Again: I have written DOZENS of posts on this topic. All with less than twenty notes. I'll be composing a masterlist of them in the near future as well, but for now I'm just saying. Please just think about that.

While I'm going to make an effort to be more deliberate in how I approach this topic in posts going forward, tonally and in terms of word choice, I do have a right to be just as passionate about it as any other topic, and it is FUCKED UP to think that my personal experiences here should be pointed to as the very REASON I should need to be LESS passionate than I am anywhere else, in order to be heard or listened to. Still. I am not actually trying to override anyone else's viewpoint, present myself as some kind of ultimate authority, or shut down other survivors in any way....I'm just trying to uphold the relevancy and importance of adding my own perspective to the conversation.

I don't want to be the only voice listened to here. But as long as my voice is relevant, and I don't see or hear a lot of other voices speaking from a similar standpoint, I would like to be a RESOURCE on topics of male survivorhood, rape and recovery, from that particular standpoint. And even if and when other male survivors might perchance add their own perspectives with experiences and takes contrary to mine....I welcome that! Because mine is not the only one, cis white male survivors are no more a monolith than anyone else, and none of that will in any way actually invalidate my own perspective or experiences or render them no longer relevant at all.

Being a resource on a topic that has always been everpresent in most fandoms I've gravitated to - which has often been a reason FOR me gravitating to those fandoms in specific.....that has always been my ONLY goal with these kinds of posts. NOT an authority.

So, having my posts - which for all my willingness to write them, has never been easy for me and probably never will - reframed in such a negative way, dismissed and even weaponized against me - has over the years demoralized me and made it harder to find the energy TO tackle these topics, as much as I'd like to. But I do feel that I've found a second wind when it comes to this and think I'm ready to wade back into being Overly Opinionated on these topics as well.

So that's the third of the three post series I'll be starting, "Kalen vs Topics of Rape, Rape Culture and Survivorhood As Perceived Through A Singular Personalized Cis White Male Lens, Presented By (and With) My Middle Finger At Any Attempts to Subvert Or Undermine My Thoughts On Them By Reframing Them As Me Trying To Gatekeep Male Survivorhood No Matter How Many Times I Use The Words IN MY EXPERIENCE or IN MY OPINION, Which I Do A Lot, Because This Has Been Happening For A Very Long Time, And I Am Tired, But Still Very Opinionated, And Still Very Here, So Bite Me I Guess."

.....I'm still workshopping that one's title. Its a process.

ANYWAY. At the moment, I'm aiming to make one post of each once a month, and if I do more than that great, but not trying to pressure myself to do any more than that at the moment in the interests of Realism. We'll play it by ear. If I have more free time or energy than expected, maybe I'll do more. Its not like I have a shortage of Very Opinionated Opinions, after all. You've met me.

BUT I DIGRESS.

So in the interest of not making this long ass post any fucking longer, not that anyone really expected otherwise from my first post back in months, like could I REALLY even claim to ACTUALLY be back if all I had to show for it was some weak little lackluster drabble that wasn't even 3,000 words? Methinks the fuck not -

Well, have an abrupt and anticlimactic finish that comes out of nowhere despite giving myself literally 4,900 words to build to something appropriately profound or meaningful or whatthefuckever. Y'know. Your standard Kalen Classic. The abrupt and anticlimactic wrap up I mean, not the profound and deeply meaningful one. Eh. You get it.

Did ya miss me? I missed you!

PS - I was Informed that we are almost to the end of Tommy T's Tenure, is it almost safe to come back to Nightwing comics? Does anyone know when his last issue is? Have we planned the party yet? Who's on balloons, we definitely need balloons.

[aihoshiino]

After reading the latest chapter, I found it intriguing that right after the panel where Ayumi says that "Back then, Ai was 8 or 9", the next panel has her state that "Ai had grown up to be a woman", despite her being still just a child. No one would call someone that age a grown woman. It's seems like she didn't view her daughter as a child at all (and neither did her creep of a boyfriend) and only saw her as some sort of love rival who's an adult like her even when she wasn't. Ai's mom clearly wasn't fit to be a mother at all since a good mother would've broke up with her boyfriend instead. And even in the way she speaks of herself in this chapter, it's as if she wants Aqua (and the readers) to feel sympathetic. Ayumi truly is an awfully selfish woman and unfortunately she had to be Ai's mother.

anon i literally woke up this morning cooking ayumi meta on exactly this topic in my head and then logged on to see this ask....... you and i shall have a spring wedding

That said, you're right on the money. What I loved so much about the writing of this scene is how intensely real Ayumi feels as a toxic mother. I feel like a lot of people were kind of expecting her to be this over the top cackling Mother Gothel type but like I said in my ch 131 initial writeup, the unfortunate reality is that this is how a lot of abusers look. Like normal ass, regular, pathetic people.

In particular, I really love how deep of an understanding we get of Ayumi's messed up, contradictory headspace just over the course of the four pages we spend with her. She recognizes that she did something terrible and hates herself, but she has surrendered to this sort of self-enforced helplessness with regard to her own issues and fucked up behaviours. She knows that she needs to improve but is self-defeating about her ability to do so and the whole thing turns into a self fulfilling prophecy where she refuses to put in the work because she believes she can't change to begin with but BECAUSE she doesn't put in the work, nothing changes, which reinforces her belief that she can't fix anything so she doesn't try and... you see how the snake starts eating its own tail?

At the same time, though, this surrendering to helplessness is a safety net for her as much as it is a mental trap. By framing her behaviour as something she is powerless to resist or to stop, she essentially frees herself of agency in Ai's abuse and neglect. Being violent towards her daughter is not something she frames as an active choice, but as something she would "wind up" doing, as if by accident or compelled by forces completely out of her control. Not only that, but it allows her to rewrite the narrative for herself with regards to her abandonment of Ai – since she is so helpless to stop her abuse of Ai, the daughter she loves so much, she just had no choice but to stay away. But she was totally going to go pick her up someday, definitely! Never fucking mind that Ai was left there for so long that she aged out of the system before Ayumi ever came back.

It's once Aqua challenges this assertion, though, that the cracks start to form. Though even before that, an attentive reader will obviously have some red flags up – after all, if Ayumi loves her daughter as much as she says she did, then why does Ai describe herself as a person who has never been loved by anyone? At age twelve, no less? That is not even REMOTELY close to a thought a well adjusted and cared for kid should be able to express, let alone sincerely think.

There's always been a theme in Oshi no Ko of Ai being pulled in all directions, in trying to be everything that everybody asked her to be, succeeding and being punished for it anyway. In my CH131 thoughts, I coined the phrase 'adultification' to describe the way adult agency and expectations are enforced on children who are too young as a method of abuse, a direct inverse of the way infantilization happens to adults. Part of the impossible expectations enforced on Ai were having these twin opposing forces of adultification and infantalization inflicted on her in a truly maddening way.

Specific to adultification, though, we over and over see other characters inflict adult agency and sexuality on Ai way before the point that any reasonable person would rationally think to do so. When describing her falling in love, Kaburagi says that her face, which had been that of a child, "turned into a woman's" at a time that we know she can only have been fifteen at the oldest.

45510 seconds this, with the narrator describing how this adultification is inflicted on many young girls in the industry;

"At the time, younger age groups were all the rage, but girls in their formative years could undergo rapid changes as they matured. Once they outgrew that youthful phase, they were evaluated the same way as "ordinary" women."

... only to turn around and do the same thing to Ai:

"Right from the beginning, she exuded a maturity beyond her years, and in the end, she retained a fresh-faced, youthful allure."

With all that in mind, it's not at all a shock that this echoes all the way back in time to the starting point of Ayumi's abuse of Ai. It's reprehensible, but it's also unfortunately deeply real – it is heartbreakingly common for victims of CSA to be blamed for their abuse, as if being victimized by adults is something they have any agency in.

In this instance too, Ayumi distances herself from her own agency and culpability in Ai's abuse. Look at how she frames things and the issues that she centers; it isn't her own insecurity, toxicity and violence that ruined things. It was Ai's beauty. Ai growing into a woman. That she can say such a thing without blinking betrays so clearly that for all she insists she loved her daughter, Ai was never really a child to her. And the moment she realized Ai was attracting the attention of a man, Ayumi didn't see her as a child being victimized but as a woman posing a threat, a romantic and sexual rival who needed to be beaten back into line and shown her place. Even her anger at Ai's stepfather is so, so telling – the framing makes it clear that her anger is not that of a woman raging against someone who posed a threat to their child, but as a woman resenting a man who was unfaithful to her.

For all that she cries and self flagellates, Ayumi basically lays it all out in her own words without even meaning to. She doesn't take responsibility for her own actions, nor does she even really frame them as being central to the chain of abuse that destroyed not just her family but robbed Ai of her life. Even through her tears, she pushes Ai to the forefront while framing her abuse as a thing that just "ended up" happening, that she was powerless to stop. When talking to Aqua about how she can't make amends, the word she uses in the Japanese text is actually 贖罪 – Atonement, the same character used as the chapter's title.

But the thing about atonement is that you can't atone for a sin you don't take responsibility for. And Ayumi makes it heartbreakingly clear that for all her regrets and her pain, she has not come close to taking responsibility for the harm she inflicted on her daughter. And even if she did? It's too late. Ai is gone.

It's just as Akane says. There's nothing here anymore.

[rockinhamburger]

Enjoyed your post about empathy for Nate! You've given me a new perspective on the Roy piece especially - I've always understood Nate feeling replaced by him, but not why Nate didn't respond to his praise. I still can't wrap my mind around what Nate thinks he's doing to win Ted back, though. Wouldn't you try to do that by emulating Ted's kindness?? Yes, he liked the attention he got by roasting the players in Liverpool, but he had plenty of attention before that!

I'm happy to hear that post may have given you new perspective. That's certainly my hope when I write meta, so I really appreciate you saying so! In answer to your question, Nate is trying to get back the attention that he had, so naturally he's going to try to replicate what seemed to get Ted's attention in S1. I think that Nate has no reason to believe his kindness is what made Ted pay attention to him in the first place. Ted primarily validates Nate in S1 for his football knowledge, and he encourages Nate to be confident and assured, not especially kind. And what does Ted say they need in 2x05? It isn't kindness; he says they need a big dog. Does Ted ever really give Nate positive attention for being kind? Even in S2, when Nate was starting to act fairly unkind, Ted never suggests that he change. He's pretty hands-off with guiding Nate through the kind of leadership he expects, so I don't know if it's that surprising Nate doesn't know what to do except what seems to have worked for him in the past.

I think Nate understandably assumes Ted likes him and pays attention to him for his football strategies and that being confident and tough like Roy is the recipe for success. We see Nate work very hard in S2 to grow at these things. He works hard to come up with successful strategies, to carry himself with confidence and assurance, to speak up for himself. In fact, it's easy to see how pushing himself harder and harder to make these qualities more extreme in order to win back Ted's approval could speed him along the toxic path he ends up taking by the end of the season. I doubt Nate could see clearly through his feelings of abandonment and insecurity to work out that his football strategies are just one of the things Ted appreciates and loves about Nate. Naturally, he thinks that he needs to be more successful at the stuff that got him Ted's attention at the beginning.

I imagine his headspace in S2 is something like: If I can be strong, powerful and successful, I'll be worthy of love (Ted's, and by proxy, his dad's). But it doesn't work; like Nate says in 2x12, "The more I did, the less you cared; it was like I was invisible." It's not spelled out in canon, so we don't know exactly when Nate stopped wanting to win Ted back and started feeling like there was nothing he could to make that happen, but I think at some point toward the second half of S2, he started thinking you know what, maybe I don't care; maybe I don't want his attention! Maybe I don't need it anymore! I don't know when exactly he goes from one mental state to the other, but I think you could argue he starts being disillusioned with Ted's whole approach when Ted laughs at him, and maybe sometime during 2x07 he starts thinking that he doesn't need Ted's (or his dad's) attention and validation, now that he's starting to be recognized by other external sources.

[usesboth-a]

META  +   BELLAMY   &   OCTAVIA   :   S6

honestly i’m not mad about bellamy and octavia.   i   wasn’t   super into the idea of how   harsh and negative   he was being before they had their conversation because it felt really out of place to me -- but after watching the episode and that scene,  i think the way it was handled and shown was   incredibly important    and i don’t think i’d change how that progression happened or how bellamy has reacted to her,   especially after coming out of the anomaly.   as much as i’ve changed my opinion on octavia,   i still think that the relationship that she and bellamy have was always one with a lot of co - dependency :  bellamy feeling like he had to take care of her otherwise no one else would,   octavia only having bellamy to lean on because their mother was too busy,   gone,   drunk,   ect.   and it turned into this thing of    ‘ my sister,  my responsibility ‘    because it    had to.    it was what their mother told him,   and in return,   it’s the mantra he chose to live by for the next sixteen - eighteen years.

i’m not about to make you all read an article dedicated to codependency,   specifically in siblings,   and then read this but there are a few key points that are super important in the blakes dynamic,   and how they shouldn’t necessarily get back to where they started,  but grow and heal and become better   in spite of   the chaos they’ve both endured.    (  the ties that bind turn easily into the bonds that strangle  )     

in the beginning of the show,   the common theme of bellamy constantly protecting and hovering over octavia could be seen as selflessness,   but it’s really masking control that he probably wanted since everything about his life was so    out of control    after she was born.   rather than seeing her as the reason  (  which isn’t the case at all,   their mother was a piece of work in and of herself  )    he chooses to take the responsibility and the job and duty of protecting her,  especially considering there were more than likely a lot of deep rooted fears in terms of bellamy and his relationship with his dad and the more than likely    deep rooted abandonment issues     he now has.   again,  not sure who he is or if he’s dead or alive,  but the dysfunctional aspect still stands and as an other brother,   he doesn’t want to subject octavia to that and turns into committing   all of his energy    into keeping her safe  (  see:  s1 - s3  )

his codependency on octavia    actually gets worse    after lincoln is killed,   because not only does he feel semi - responsible,   but because she’s spiraling out of control and is starting to do a complete change of her person due to the   trauma she faced,   he’s doing his best to do   damage control    in order to keep things held together but failed to recognize that he’s trying too hard,  and    his own behavior    is adding to the crisis.    when the two of them are separated at the end of s4,   this could have been a good moment for the both of them and bellamy realizing that his sister didn’t need him,  and while that was the case for octavia,   bellamy wasn’t ready to let her go.   he’s been there for   so long   and has had to carry the weight of being her rock and foundation and support for so long that he’s unsure of how to truly    let her go   (  see:  everything leading up to the moment in s5 where he’s thrown into the fighting pit  )   and not realizing that his grasp is actually   suffocating himself    and no longer of use to her.    she’s not a little girl anymore  ---  she’s capable of protecting herself.

all in all,   this season has been a    huge    metaphor for breaking the cycle of a codependent relationship,   specifically,   bellamy hanging on too tight to octavia.    him leaving her behind at the beginning of the season was something that needed to happen for them    both to grow,    but for him to realize that he doesn’t have to protect her or look out for her.   if he continued to try and save her from the chaos that was her life,  she probably    wouldn’t have changed   and grown into the person she is now,  and neither would he.   typically in a codependent situation,   one has to be so out of control and so far gone that the other swoops in and    “ rescues  “    the other person from it,  typically putting their needs above their own.   with this said,   i think this conversation was a huge    turning point    in their relationship because it meant that bellamy was finally letting go of what needed to be let go of for the last two and a half to three seasons:   although octavia is his sister,    she’s no longer his responsibility.      he no longer has to protect her and no longer has to take on the chaos from her world.   this was just as important for bellamy   to let go of   as it was for octavia to admit that she needed him to say that she is his sister.

[protectres-blog]

ii. 

i.    countenance.     ››    you are what happens after the war. i.    introspective.     ››    if you don’t get it off your chest ˏ  you’ll never be able to breathe. i.    desires.     ››    there’s no where i would rather be ˏ  right between your holidays. i.    meta.     ››    something’s on my mind ˏ  always in my headspace. i.    aes.     ››    from underneath the rubble ˏ  sing a rebel song.  

[crackengolds]

These are all places my mind has gone too.

I imagine if he’s been discharged because of Bazrig having a personal hate for the guy, then it’s possible Antares could be living on the run. Beetle Head seems the sort to straight-up kill any threat. If Antares is on the run, maybe he’s gonna have to reach back into his survival instincts from when he was a kid, living poor with Orion. We know he’s got that in him too.

Maybe not a cardigan, but if he can flip his headspace back into Survival mode then I’d see him in anything he could get his hands on (within meta-stylistic reason). If he can’t fashion a long-blade from scrap metals and tied-off fabrics then there’s always something more crude, like brass knuckles thrown together with soldering materials. I remember one story having him mention that he’s got a wide range of combat knowledge so he’s never off his guard, while sword fighting is his mastery.

God, wouldn’t that be a wild flip? Going from luxury to street rat for a whole season. Kinda sexy of him if I’m being real for a moment. Dirty Rat Mans are my usual when it comes to blorbos.

I reread the alien mc synopsis, the look at what we almost had, and I realized, if Antares got booted from the Empire’s military, that means we missed out on two (2) crucial things:

Seeing Antares finally have the big moment every stoic, in-control character needs: the Breaking Point, which I feel is a colossal loss, I love seeing these types trying to flounder in the fallout of getting the rug pulled,

And also,

Antares in civvies! Mans got no damn wardrobe outside the uniforms, what the FUCK does this man wear when he’s stripped of his identity?? My instinct is to say all black and combat boots or smth but aint no way.

[ashesandhackles]

You've mentioned before that you had a journey with Remus and now you have a specific characterisation of him. What works for you when you read him in fanfic?

.I've spent 3 days in Remus headspace, both for my own fanfic and to help @bluethepineapple with her lovely character study - Of The Fallen (read it now!). So I have a lot of thoughts on what makes Remus work for me.

My reading of Remus, first of all, is very Watsonian. In that, I recognise there is a certain author intent in that he doesn't necessarily come across the way she means it to (for example, I don't think she intends for him to come across as manipulative as he does). That's fine by me - because I think Remus, as in text, is far more interesting and complex this way. So here are my non-negotiable Remus traits that works for me in fanfiction:

1. He hides his anger. In fact, he is extremely guarded about his inner world.

The offhand line where Sirius mentions in OOTP about Umbridge ("You should hear Remus talk about her") shows how much of himself Remus carefully curates away from the world, because of the "occupational hazards of being a werewolf." Harry sees that anger, anguish and self loathing in full force in Deathly Hallows, and he sees a breakdown of Remus at end of HBP (where Harry felt he was encroaching on something private. And Harry is right to sense it - Remus would not have wanted anyone to see that breakdown! ). Even with Harry, it took until Harry reliving James’ death for Remus to admit that they were friends. It takes a lot for Remus to slip up and reveal something about himself.

So his anger, unhappiness slips by in moments of passive aggression, or complete avoidant shut down. I go into this more with a meta with wonderful @thecat-isblogging-blog : The Gentleman Monster and this meta by criesbyjudas

For Remus in all his passive aggressive glory: Verbal Fencing Over the Marauder’s Map

2. He idolises James, while his dynamic with Sirius is a little more complicated.

James is the ideal for him - the confident golden boy. An embodiment of reckless teenager Remus wishes he could experience (and does, through his various adventures with them). The way Remus talks about him is fond, and is unwilling to cast him in a bad light - he also, in a moment of weakness, turns to Harry invoking James’ name (”James would have wanted me to stick with you”). Meaning, that in Remus’ mind - James is a refuge when things get overwheling for him. He is a protector. (With regard to Peter, Peter is a representation of himself - an underdog who needs to be protected. Remus gets to perform the protector here by bringing him into the fold)

His dynamic with Sirius, on the other hand, is complicated.  Sirius is his shadow aspect projection, a boy who can display anger and be combative against the world in ways Remus can't afford to because of the very prejudices the world has against werewolves. Remus wants to be the “good boy” who likes to be liked. @thecat-isblogging-blog wonderfully put it as, "There's an envy - it plays also on how they are both in the 'canine family' but Sirius has choice and consciousness. Which Lupin does not." (For envy, refer to Remus' schoolboyish regression of "He always got the women" on Pottermore). Of course, you can play this aspect of the dynamic any way you want - it lends well to queer readings too!

I’ve talked about the Marauder dynamics in SWM here: - the meta analyses the scene in terms of the interpersonal relationships in the group, post Prank.

3. The forest runs make him happy. 

This is crucial to me. However guilty Remus feels in retrospect, he explicitly is said to enjoy the runs (”best times of my life”). His spirit is happy to be back in scene of adoloscent wanderings in DH, he refers to himself and the Marauders, “young, thoughtless and carried away with our own cleverness.”  @urupotter brilliantly put it as - his jaunts as a wolf with his friends is a way to exert control over the wolf/his condition in a sense. The wolf may command his body, but it acts under parameters he and his friends set.  He recognises the danger, he feels haunted at the prospect of what can go wrong - but it is also something he enjoys. Too many interpretations of him forget what exactly draws him to friends like the Marauders and why this friendship is so formative for him. They have offered to help him experience a source of shame and self loathing, a creature that his father once denounced as “soulless, evil”, as an embodiment of freedom and youth.  There is a psyche integration that is happening here that is ripe for rich explorations of Remus’ character.

4. He would have killed Peter in POA and would have lost no sleep over it

I mean, that is an exaggeration - I do think there is a part of him that will always wonder how things went that south. But I don’t think he (or Sirius for that matter) would have regretted it (points to Remus being aghast at Harry’s expelliarmus in the air in DH, and then later on comparing him to James XD).  What I love about POA is that the moment Remus appears in the shack, he already believes Sirius. He just doesnt have the full story - but he has an inkling what happened. So the entire chapter of exposition where Remus is asking questions of Peter - he is cornering Peter into incriminating himself more, thereby building up his own anger - which gets colder and quieter.  I mean, look at this chilling line - “You should’ve realised... if Voldemort didn’t kill you, we would. Goodbye Peter.” 

Other stuff that is fun:

- he is a good DADA teacher! His interest in Dark Creatures (probably comes from his father - given what Lyall does, as per Pottermore) takes on more interesting dimensions because he is himself seen as one by the Wizarding world. What does this mean for him? Cat and I tried to explore this in Toys in the Attic.

Yeah, these things are what makes Remus to me. So if these aren’t present, then it’s most likely not my cup of tea. :)

[inhonoredglory]

another character based question - how do you feel about mikasa? a lot of fans dont like her, im curious about how you feel! - armin anon

Hellooooo Armin Anon. OMG it’s been forever since I had the time to sit down and do a proper meta, and I apologize.

First off, I finished the manga!!! (So, spoilers ahead for anyone else reading this.) I had to lie down after reading 139. It’s a tremendous story and I’m still taking it all in. The set pieces and personal/emotional stakes of everything that happens is just astounding. If it’s one thing Isayama does good, it’s the gut-wrenching personal anguish that underlies the action. I’m absolutely floored. My favorite bit was probably the timey-wimey stuff in Paths and Eren. That blew my freaking mind. But onto Mikasa!!

A Cruel Yet Beautiful World

I remember way back when I started the anime that I started liking Mikasa first out of the group. I liked how sullenly silent and no-nonsense she was, and I liked her loyalty to Eren. Her emotion, especially when Eren died in Trost, was palpable and terrifyingly beautiful. Her grief was incredibly realistic––rushing off with a death wish that even she couldn’t succumb to in the end, because of the drive to fight that she got from Eren. In a world like SNK, her relentlessness breaking through her grief was incredibly moving. And her philosophy is basically the driving theme of SNK: “This is a cruel world, and yet so beautiful.”

This is the same moral message she gives Eren when he can’t find the strength in him to fight Annie––and gives him that warm, understanding, inscrutable smile that allows him to finally accept his own monsters, fight Annie, and save her and Armin. (One of my favorite panels of her from the manga, actually.) Mikasa is basically the first character we meet who embodies this contradictory morality, which grows to engulf SNK and other characters as well (Levi, Reiner, and Armin especially come to mind). Which could be why I was drawn to her at the start, since the complex moral outlook of SNK was the primary reason I fell hard for this story.

(And gosh, it’s tragic to realize that it’s teaching moments like the scene above that made Eren into the person who could influence his own child self to murder, the person who could wipe out so much of humanity, the person who could take Ymir’s challenge to free her by destroying the love of the person who cared the most about him. I’m still processing yo.)

Acker-parallels

I started really analyzing Mikasa when I had to defend her from a friend of mine who accused her of resenting Levi (for beating up Eren) and that’s why she attacked him so violently in the RTS serumbowl. Because of my research into rebutting that, a lot of my affection for Mikasa now comes in seeing the little ways in which she cares and trusts other people, including Armin, Levi, Gabi, and Jean. And her quiet sensibility that goes beyond her love and protectiveness of Eren.

With Levi in particular, I find a lot I like about her. Because you can definitely see her annoyance at him, but she also trusts him more than anyone else in the Corps outside of Armin. After Levi’s violent encounter with Historia, she was the only one who implicitly trusted Levi’s judgement, backing up Armin’s more reasoned logic. She sees beyond her own emotions and even moral feelings and realizes the world is cruel enough that sometimes people have to do dark things to help others and survive.

This is very much the same statement Levi made to the 104th when he had asked them to follow Erwin’s orders when the commander’s plans were questionable on the surface: “Do you trust him? Those dumb enough to say yes… come with me.” These two understand each other on a moral level, and they ask for their comrades’ loyalty without demanding it, because they each know that everyone’s conscience is their own.

There’s a clear parallel between Mikasa and Levi, not only because of their Ackerman heritage and sensibilities (loyal to a fault to their chosen person, impossibly strong, quiet and grim), but their frustration when they cannot protect the people they are responsible for. They both know they are the strongest around, and if they cannot fulfill on that power, a lot of people will die.

There are many moments in which Mikasa puts aside her personal feelings to do her soldierly duty, from leaving Eren to help with the evacuation of Trost to leaving Eren and Armin to fight the Colossal Titan alone in Shigonshina.

And then there’s the fact that Levi’s the one who could break past Mikasa’s headspace and distraction so that she can do the right thing. He understands her strong emotion, he respects it, but he also knows when that has to be put aside for the greater good. But he doesn’t put her down for having those emotions, either.

Strength from Eren, Humanity from Armin

Mikasa’s love and loyalty to Eren challenges her tremendously after the timeskip and her sorrow at Eren’s change is what really stands out to me about her character in the Marley arc. The absolute grief in her eyes when she tells Eren what he’s done is devastating, and it shows just how much goodness and compassion she does have.

And yet she longs to understand Eren, to trust him, to believe there can be something redeeming, and not merely jaded and tired, in what he taught her so many years ago––to fight, to win, to live.

There’s such a difference between these same words said here by Mikasa, so many years later, after so much heartbreak, to the anger and flame that were in them when she first heard them, back when she realized that this was the way of the world. That death and killing happens in the natural world everyday and that’s how you survive. That the world is both cruel and beautiful.

And yet as the years wore on, as Mikasa grew closer to others, found purpose in protecting others, sought a life with Eren… as she wandered further into the forest of life and society and relationships, she lost some of that simple injunction... to live is to fight, to fight is to win. She, like so many of the 104th and the others on this journey, found that it’s not enough to just fight and live and be satisfied. We really want it all to mean something, to have our actions be redemptive. To allow ourselves to believe that we do what we’re doing because we’re not just saving ourselves, but saving others, “saving the world” like Yelena points out (in the forest therapy session pfff). And it’s that drive for something bigger in our actions that grieves her so much with Eren, because as she wants her own actions to be fundamentally good and selfless, she wants his actions to be moral as well.

So while Eren is the person that frustrates Mikasa and motivates her to become stronger and braver than she ever was, Armin is the person who humanizes Mikasa and allows her the space to be gentle and vulnerable. She comforts Armin, confides in him, puts her faith in him, and puts her life in his hands.

She trusts Armin with Eren, and she values Armin’s intellect and compassion, qualities she doesn’t have in nearly as much quantities as he does: “There are only so many lives I can value. And… I decided who those people were six years ago. So... you shouldn’t try to ask for my pity. Because right now, I don’t have time to spare or room in my heart.”

This bit from her confrontation with Ymir and Historia was a defining moment for me with Mikasa. It’s honest and realistic in a way that few of us care to admit about ourselves, and it’s just super chilling and badass coming from her, too. It also shows how much she fights for Armin and Eren both. They are the two people she loves the most in the world, and she never gave up on saving either of them––from death or from themselves.

I’m looking back on Trost now and finding so much irony with the ending to SNK. In Trost, she was the one to give up on Eren, telling Armin that it was hopeless to try to extract Eren’s personality from his Titan form. And yet, like in the end, it’s always been between Armin and Mikasa to try to salvage Eren’s humanity. In Trost, Armin tells Mikasa to leave––to go do what she’s good at (saving lives)––and to entrust Eren to him.

It’s a huge expression of both Mikasa’s trust in Armin, and her belief in Armin’s abilities and friendship for Eren. And in the end, it’s the two of them again debating on if there’s any humanity left in Eren. The bond they share is intimate and deep. With all the military doubting Eren and scheming to take away his Titan (with even Jean and Connie unavailable to them emotionally), it’s only Armin and Mikasa against the world––the only two people who can truly consider Eren’s actions and hold off on judging him. And you can feel their love for him even as they doubt him.

And like back then, it has always been Armin who understands Eren most, the one who recognizes his own evil and Eren’s and finds a redemption in having others stop you, because you cannot stop yourself.

And that’s the thing I really take away from SNK and from Mikasa’s journey, that we all have devils inside us, and yet there is still beauty to be found, within us and in the world––from the natural wonders that Armin dreams of, to the comfort of purpose and companionship that Mikasa has in Eren. Love and wonder is what redeems us of our devils. And yet love itself is complicated, and can turn ugly in its obsession. That giving up that love is what makes the love selfless and beautiful, what absolves us of the selfishness within us. That’s what Mikasa learned. And in the end, she was able to release that love for the good of the world.

So I guess to sum up, I really love Mikasa. I can see why her dogged loyalty to Eren might annoy some fans, but I think there’s a lot more to her than simply that, and in fact, her journey and growth is heart-rending and one of the most symbolic arcs of SNK and fundamental to its entire theme. She’s a badass with a lot of emotion and depth behind her cold mask.

[sharkface-daydreams]

well, sharkface. if someone has suggested before then maine (or bonus meta)

you are actually the first to ask about sharkface :) <3 ilu

oddly enough no bingo BUT shrakface <3 :) he is everything to me

and honestly on second though maybe he does work better as part of a dynamic bc on his own, hes very cool and scary and the ridiculousness of his dramatics works great against the reds and blues very “wait what? the fuck is that why are you so cringe” reactions to things. but characterly speaking like. this is a guy unhinged by grief. the loss of people that were close. he is unhinged BC he has no people anymore. if he had people i think that would be so good for him 🥺 kimball and wash hold fire and red team adopt sharkface challenge pls

also carolina learn what an apology is challenge jfc

i will not get into the wasted potential thing because i feel like i have screamed about that so much and i dont have the energy rn lol

BUT. thank u for ask me about shark man <3333 makes my weird little heart all glowy inside

maine gets double bingo bc hes special to me. <33333 big guy. likes to fight,  doesnt like heights, doesn’t talk much, likes big weird weapons. a man after my own heart. needed more screen time imo

like he’s not a saint but people characterizing him as some. idk. sadist evil motherfucker always rubs me the wrong way. also maine =/= meta. but maine is part of the meta. u understand.

meta also gets double bingo bc im lov them <3333333333

i want to recoup some energy so i can talk more about meta bc he is my special little guy they are my big silly blorbo blob so this is going in drafts a minute

edit: did i never fucking post this?! i thought i had..... anyway. ill post this and then go look for it bc ill forget it in the drafts again

OK IM BACK

meta!!!!! honestly. to me. meta is a journey. a transformation. never fully solidified, always in flux. by the time they are actually the meta it is no longer sigma here and maine there in the same helmet. putting more and more fragments in the same organic mind must have been mental hell in a few ways for someone unused to this. the chaos. the fragments were from the same ai but they were still their own selves. u get it.

theres no way to know what went on in there the whole time and i dont trust rt to write that but he’s still. very special to me. especially post-emp. they are gone. his(their) head is empty again. quiet. 

personal headspace stuff warning for those who’d rather scroll by:

especially early on in 2020+. i got locked in my head a lot. my little subsection of our headspace is an oubliette/panic room bunker cylinder. i’ve since been able to add windows and i know i CAN technically get out now. but for a long time it was just me, and an impenetrable wall of fog with no way out, and only a window way up in the ceiling i couldn’t reach. no one could reach me, i couldn’t reach out either. it was extremely lonely, very grey, and it just made me miss everyone i was able to talk to before. this is probably why i feel so attached to him, because i know what suddenly being shut off from all your system members feels like (idc that it was artificial bc the fragments were intentionally inserted, they were a system.)

feels like someone stripped you down to your OS when that happens honestly and you have to keep moving in a world that expects something of you yet. what do you do when you are back to being just one person alone in your head? how do you figure yourself out? other characters have said the meta was seeking more power... but that’s not right, i don’t think. when sigma& were in there, in the meta soup crockpot. they wanted to be human. be whole. reaching that metastability. and after they were gone. do u really think he would not have jumped at any chance to get one of them back? yeah AI are powerful. but so is loneliness. 

i think maybe. if he would have lived. he would have had little introjects like epsilon made. maybe a neosigma. maybe there was a partition he started putting up when everyone else got too loud and split off a separate maine that was buried when things kicked into high gear. i dont know. there’ll never be any of this in canon so it’s only my speculation but. i like them, i like to think about them.

there show distinctly separates this transformation into several parts but only because that’s all they show us. they show us pfl maine with no ai. they show us pfl maine + sigma. they show us the boogeyman the meta is made into through the lens of hte other characters. they show us a meta a bit more clear-headed but still in possession of personality, sapient thought. but my brain wants to know (always) what happens in between. because it was never a light switch moment that caused these things, it was things stacking up over time, like anything else. i want to know how wanting to help sigma achieve metastability turned into acquiring the other fragments at almost any cost. it’s canon that the freelancers’ and ais’ personalities started to bleed into each other. how much of that happened more and more with each fragment they added?

hm. much 2 think about. i do have a meta lives au which addresses some of this. but i think i have spilled all my brainbeans and now i am tired again lol <3 but. ty for asking and sorry this sat in my drafts for months x.x ilu

[calamity-bean]

Hey, it’s been a long time since Turn was a thing, and you’re prolly not really planning on ever finishing Law & Order & Authori(tea), so at this point I have a question for what was prolly meant to be an end spoiler, even if it was just a dumb little detail. If you’re cool with answering… Did you actually ever have a special tea planned for Hewlett to fall in love with? Anna always made him different teas to try and suss out what he might like, but I remember he would try them but never really like them. I don’t know why I’m stuck on this, but it’s been buzzing around my mind lately…

That's a really perceptive question — and not a "dumb little detail" at all, because I was very deliberate about my tea choices in that fic! Honestly, it means a lot to me that you still think of LOA at all after all this time. I was in a very different headspace back then, in terms of my passions as well as things going on in real life, and though I hate to say it, you're right: it's hard to imagine getting back into the headspace that would be necessary to finish it. Which is bittersweet, because it meant a lot to me, and I wasn't that far off from the planned end, relatively speaking. (Though with my tendency toward verbosity, who knows.) So like, just the fact that you still care enough to ask? I really appreciate it.

To answer your question, though: yes and no? It feels vain to essentially write meta about my own story, but let me explain.

No: I don't think I did have a particular tea chosen for Hewlett to love. And if I'm recalling correctly, I believe that's because, to me, a great part of the appeal of Annlett as a pairing was the idea of two people who care deeply for each other despite their differences -- differences that cause strife between them, yes, but a strife that is overcome more by compromise and by complementing each other's differences than by either of them being converted wholly to the other's side. In the show, of course, their differences were far more life-and-death; in LOA, I adapted them into other conflicts, including the contrast between Hewlett liking coffee and Anna liking tea. IRL that would just be a totally harmless difference of taste, of course, but due to the way I chose to set up LOA, in the story it acted as a running analogy for Anna and Hewlett's other, more serious differences and disagreements. And rest assured: in LOA, the plan absolutely was for them to ultimately overcome those disagreements. They were both going to have to come to terms with secrets they'd kept and wrongs they'd committed, and they were both going to have to grow (not change to suit the other, but grow), but they were absolutely going to have a happily ever after.

And yes: I did have a particular tea picked out to symbolize that.

Most of the chapters in LOA were titled after a particular type of tea. (The remaining were titled either after scientific concepts, due to Edmund's affinity for science, or allusions to Turn.) I used to keep a running list of teas with interesting names or interesting ingredients so that I could pick an inspiration for each chapter and theme the mood or events of the chapter around the qualities of that tea. I still have that list, and there's one on it that was — nearly from the beginning! — marked as the theme for the final chapter of the fic.

The final chapter was going to be inspired by yuenyeung, which is a mixture of coffee and tea. The name — or so Wiki tells me; it's been a while since I researched this, I'd have to look further into it to verify — "refers to mandarin ducks (yuanyang), a symbol of conjugal love in Chinese culture, as the birds usually appear in pairs and the male and female look very different. This same connotation of a 'pair' of two unlike items is used to name this drink." That was exactly the note I wanted to end LOA on: the idea of two people who seem very different and yet who come together to create something wonderful, something that is neither wholly one of them nor wholly the other, but a blend.

So...... That's not quite what you asked, but it still feels like the answer, because, in my head, LOA was never going to end with Hewlett growing to like tea or Anna growing to like coffee, but with them growing into a love for each other that joins and complements and blurs the symbolic tea/coffee boundary away. That was the plan, anyway. I'm sorry that I didn't manage to finish showing that in the fic itself. But thank you for asking, and I hope this response is of interest nonetheless. ♥︎

[thatblondeperson]

#20 for the meta ask! About any of the fics published or wip!

Thank you friend!!

For the writer ask.

20. Tell us the meta about your writing that you really want to ramble to people about (symbolism you’ve included, character or relationship development that you love, hidden references, callbacks or clues for future scenes?)

I don't quite know what to put here. You and I have a lot of similar things that we love as symbolism goes: hands, sun/moon, warmth, yadda yadda yadda, etc. etc. etc...

You've made a number of posts about their hands being a grounding point for them both and I wholeheartedly agree. There's something about that simple display of affection between them that just reminds me why I'm so hooked on them. Tim and Steph very much gravitate towards each other for support and to offer support. The constant usage of touch between them in comics just markets them as a package deal to me, somewhat attached at the hip after too much prolonged exposure to one another. I think no matter what, there's always a sort of bond that they'll have with one another. It's also a very good display of their willingness to be vulnerable with each other, and accept the other's vulnerability, which I think is so important for the both of them.

So let's get into vulnerability.

They are both deeply traumatized and damaged individuals on many levels.

Stephanie of course is a victim of several accounts of sexual assault, with a troubling past, and a history of being shoved aside and made to believe she wasn't good enough. She has internalized this and I feel it's something that's always gnawing at the back of her mind.

Tim has seen far too much death up close and personally. He carries too much of this as personal failures. Not to mention his obvious mental health issues and the multiple notes that he's either considered suicide, or would not care if he died in the field.

I think they're both very stubborn about admitting their darkest thoughts out loud. Both of them like to push themselves in different ways. Stephanie putting on the mask of optimism and powering through, also showing off in a way. Her way of being spiteful towards all the shit she's been through. Tim on the other hand pushes through because he feels he has to. Doing what needs to be done so there are no mistakes, nothing left behind. He pushes to avoid failure, and to finish what he started. I think there's an element of self punishment in there a lot of the time.

Both of them are very wound up individuals, carrying so much, pushing forward while trying not to look back, and I absolutely LOVE slowing the two of them down and allowing them to just take a breath together, and be openly raw and vulnerable with one another. Many of my fav TimSteph comic showcase this, where a layer is stripped away and they're more open with one another. Not always a dark layer, but something that allows them to see more of the other than they were able to before. I think that they both need that chance to expel some of the weight they're both carrying, and it's very fun for me to get to write them offering to help shoulder some of that for each other.

They are constants in each other's lives. They always seem to come back around and meet back in the middle with one another. I think that comes from a intimate understanding they have with each other that they haven't fully experienced elsewhere. What they have is special. This is not to discredit relationships they have with others, but there I'd something to be said for someone who is a best friend and a first love and your closest confidant.

I can't stress enough how much I love to write them in a more mature headspace where they're able to talk on an equal level, and lean on each other the way they used to. They both know each other very well, once you strip away adolescent stupidity, I feel there's an entirely new type of romance to be found there build on unabashed trust, respect and understanding. I just want them to be vulnerable.

Don't fucking talk to me about my desperate need to write at least once scene each of them needing to be comforted after a nightmare that I headcanon as a mild reoccurrence. I love my damaged kids.

That was my main goal with my long fic. If I was picking up where DC left off pre Ew52, I had a lot that I wanted them to get on the table first so I could almost have them start anew. There's so much that was left behind in comics that's so important to both of them as characters, and so much symbolism towards the grounding presence they both serve as for each other. IF ONLY WE COULD EXPLORE THAT MORE.

If/when I do my sequel for that beast, I will absolutely be tackling even more that was left behind in comics, and what all should have been discussed for a future we never got.

So much talking.

So much supportive TimSteph.

I love it all to pieces.

[aiyexayen]

So uh that essay about how Wei Ying takes after Yu Ziyuan? I am LISTENING

There were two things that really made me start to think about this, one was this tweet which says, "You know what we don't talk about? Wei Wuxian getting his cry-laughing from Madam Yu" and this incredible ChengXian video which sets their relationship to the tune of When Doves Cry and wrecks me every time I watch it (I just watched it now when I went to get the link and I'm whimpering).

As to the first matter:

seems fairly conclusive.

The second matter:

maybe I'm just like my father, too bold maybe you're just like my mother-- she's never satisfied

Was there this much meta thought put into one line of lyrics in a video set to When Doves Cry? Hard to say. There is now, though! Because dang, what a line. Essay under the cut.

There's a (valid) tendency to pull out the ways Jiang Cheng is more like his mother, and the ways Wei Wuxian is more like Jiang Fengmian, especially where their relationship is concerned.

Jiang Cheng wants proof of care through passion, through a willingness to fight. He will provoke and poke at things better left lying, with no shame and no regard to who else is around, dredge up old hurts and old grudges and old matters even if they're long buried or long forgiven, so long as he thinks it will get him the reaction he's looking for.

He wants Wei Wuxian to fix things by rising to the bait, rising to the challenge, giving him pushback when he says blatant lies, showing him that his shige still thinks he's worth it.

This is terribly unhealthy, of course, don't do this at home kids, but it's one of my core Jiang Cheng Truths.

Jiang Cheng shows that he cares in turn by being willing to fight, by pouring his emotion out even if those often end up as negative expressions. He's messy and unrestrained when he feels things, not all of which is from his mother--a lot of that is just Jiang Cheng--however, you can see the way he tries to rein in his emotions when he's embarrassed about caring or is trying to pretend that he doesn't care. Whether it's pretending to shrug off Wei Wuxian and walk away when they have a problem, or trying to rein in his temper at Lan Wangji on Dafan Mountain. Because from his mother, he's internalised the message that to engage in the fight is proof of care, so the opposite is also true.

And oh, when he hurts, he seeks to hurt back. That's very Yu Ziyuan of him.

Wei Wuxian, meanwhile, frequently defaults to calming and placating with Jiang Cheng. Not as much as Jiang Yanli does--but more on her, momentarily. We see Wei Wuxian complain at Jiang Cheng to not get riled up, tell him he's being stubborn and just to accept the peace offering, etc. The difference is that, at first, with Jiang Cheng, a lot of that is just general pouty childishness and Wei Ying-ing, general sibling shit.

Plus, he was still willing to fight/express himself fully. They fought a lot. He always ran after Jiang Cheng, always roped him into expressing himself, always let Jiang Cheng fight it out. He understood, at least intuitively, and he didn't back down. The benefits of having grown up together, and of being an older one/middle sibling in the dynamic.

But when things really started to break down between him and Jiang Cheng, when the conflict was much bigger, much more grown up, much more real, Wei Wuxian started modeling his behaviour even more on Jiang Fengmian in regards to Jiang Cheng, possibly seeing more of Yu-furen in Jiang Cheng and responding the way that felt natural.

(Also, a lot of his own guilt and depression/apathy/intent to die and assorted other issues came into play at roughly the same time.)

Thus, we see Wei Wuxian start to turn down Jiang Cheng more often, and back off. He shrugs it off or rejects it when Jiang Cheng reaches out, and he stops reaching out himself. He tries to placate Jiang Cheng, tries to defuse him, tries to send him away. Some of this is because he cares and is trying to show he cares by taking himself out of the situation; some because he's trying to maintain his lies; some because he just doesn't have the energy to deal with this anymore.

After Wei Wuxian is resurrected, by which point he's done what he perceives as the worst things to Jiang Cheng, this intensifies. Jiang Cheng provokes him beyond reason, lashes out, starts fights, sneers, and Wei Wuxian almost rises to the bait but he stops himself. He lets Jiang Cheng be angry and he shrinks himself down, he backs away, he disengages. A decent portion of this is Wei Wuxian himself, and his faulty perspective on the situation and on Jiang Cheng's anger and complexity of emotion and intent. Some of it is lingering relationship modeling off of Jiang-shushu and Yu-furen's relationship. Either way, he's definitely "being the Jiang Fengmian" in the situation.

Additionally, Wei Wuxian tries quite actively to model himself off of Jiang-shushu's good qualities, which is understandable given that this was his primary benevolent adult figure and liked him quite a lot. We see it in the way Wei Wuxian teaches, the way he instructs with archery, the fact he prioritises archery to begin with, the way he expresses kindness the way it was expressed to him, through encouragement or noticing people who are down and out. Things that Wei Wuxian, at least, attributes to Jiang Fengmian's character (I'm trying so hard not to make this a Jiang Fengmian salt post) even if a lot of that is just his own outlook on life at the end of the day.

But all of these kids were around both of these parental figures/people of authority. This is most clear in Jiang Yanli. We see the way she's become a mediator figure between her parents when they're upset with each other and understands them both.

She takes all the kind intent and patience and willingness to placate and calm from her father, and adds in the knowledge and understanding needed to actually use it interpersonally. She's more open with communication, can identify the heart of an issue, and effectively diffuse a lot of tension. She has middling success with this with regards to her parents, but a lot more success with her brothers. It helps her see eye to eye with Wei Wuxian, and share that spark of playfulness between them too. It helps her understand why Jiang Cheng says things the way he does, and what he means.

We also see Jiang Yanli reveal herself to be the steely, fiery daughter of Zi Zhizhu when someone attacks what is hers. She is just as much her mother's child.

So, too, Jiang Cheng is his father's son. I think this is true much more when he grows up and inherits the sect and has held it for some time in the wake of tragedy. We see evidence that he's become a well-regarded leader, and for all we see cool, flashing, calculating glares and bitten-back sneers, we see worried disciples fussing over his health. We see a mild manner that was learned, and an authority that has accrued with time, and a self-assuredness when dealing with his peers that seems more modeled off what we see of Jiang Fengmian than of Yu Ziyuan.

Jiang Cheng is a match for Zidian, through and through, but he is also steady and determined and bold, good at making and keeping allies, or else how could he have achieved the impossible in rebuilding his sect? He learned to take some of his mother, some of his father, find something left over of himself out of the wreckage of his life, and meld it all together.

That brings us to Wei Wuxian. I had, at the time of first seeing that tweet, showed it to a friend who said:

Are we gonna talk about how Wei Ying gets his cry-laugh from her? Are we gonna talk about how he learned that intense glare from her, too? Or his tendency to act swiftly and decisively even when it might not be the actual best course of action? Or his violent protectiveness of his siblings?

Inspired. And yes, we are.

Yu-furen was a figure of absolute strength in Wei Wuxian's life. Uncompromising, unyielding, impressive as hell. She had the capacity to inspire deep loyalty and was fiercely protective over things that were hers. Her son, her daughter, her family's reputation, her sect, her home, her disciple. (Yes, even Wei Wuxian was hers, too, she made quite the point about that.)

Wei Wuxian is very easygoing. But when he decides something is his, whether that's a duty or a person or whatever, it's his to protect, it's his to do anything for, even cause a scene, even start a war, even lose allies or his own life. It's one surefire way to get him to fight no matter what headspace he's in.

You can see Jiang Cheng realise/remember this in real time in the Ancestral Hall, when he can't get a rise out of Wei Wuxian by talking about himself and his family, and that stings, but he's desperate to get a rise out of him somehow, and immediately he sets in on Lan Wangji. And it fucking works. That's what gets Wei Wuxian to almost fight him. If he'd posed a real threat, and if a whole bunch of other complicated psychological shit wasn't part of the mix for everyone involved, there would absolutely have been a fight.

Wei Wuxian latched onto the Wens, yes, and they were his, too, but they weren't the only ones. Lotus Pier was his, as was Jiang Cheng. Yunmeng Shuangjie was not just a pipe dream, and Wei Wuxian's loyalty was not simply easy to sway. Yunmeng Jiang's strength, their reputation, their future, and Jiang Cheng's along with it were always on his mind.

He lied, and fought, and even left and took himself out of the picture to that end. For Jiang Cheng, and for his ability to carry on. In so many ways, Wei Wuxian absolutely took so much of his perspectives on that from Yu Ziyuan, for better or worse.

Uncompromising, unyielding, even when turned on himself. Never satisfied, always pushing for more, for answers, for solutions, for the right path, even in his own frequently easygoing and curious ways. Unhesitating, across the board. Even if it meant his own life, or his core.

There is nothing wrong with hesitating. Hesitating, worrying, being uncertain, trying to think first, trying to find the right path, and then being able to find it, or choose it anyway, is such an act of courage. That's a quality Jiang Cheng has in droves. He hesitated, when he saw the Wen soldiers coming for Wei Wuxian. And then he chose to sacrifice himself. For Wei Wuxian, there was no hesitation whatsoever. No forethought. No choice, really. Just go. I think that's very Yu Ziyuan of him.

I had to go digging to find that message my friend sent me, and I'll conclude with my response:

If we're going to talk about how Wei Wuxian is like Yu-furen, then we'll have to talk about how Yu-furen knew that. Or at least, the only parts that she ever had cause to see in him while she still lived. How he was hers even if he wasn't her son. How Fengmian's lazy favouritism was intolerable in this way, too, in the way it sowed discord where there didn't need to be any, and was a barrier between her and the things that should have been more fully hers. How the farewell at Lotus Pier was more of a betrayal than she intended. How she thought she and Wei Ying met over more even ground at that moment, because she knew he loved Jiang Cheng as much as she did, in the way she did. How she expected more from him than for him to give parts himself up in such a horrifying way. How she underestimated the actual damage that had been done. And if she'd survived to see it, she just might have been truly horrified.

[jonsa101]

Do you think when Max double back and said “we never talked about it” do you think Helen took it as yes finally he’s opening up and that’s why she hug him and laugh that relieved laugh? And then she asked him that question and she realize he still doesn’t get it??

Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!! This is a great question and such a hard one to answer as well! I’ve honestly considered a lot of scenarios in my mind about where Helen’s mind was at before and after the hug. I have gone back and forth about it but after analyzing it for awhile these are my final thoughts on it.

In my last ask I got from @abriaashley, I had mentioned that there was a very brief moment in that rooftop scene that reminded of me their rooftop scene in 1.17. Before I answered this ask, I took a couple days to really make sure that I knew what I was talking about but after analyzing it I know without a shadow of doubt this is the exact same expression. To me, this brief moment below is the most important key in understanding everything that happened during and after their hug.

But in order to understand why Helen has this expression on her face, we need to first examine the scene where we saw this expression first. In episode 1.17, Max and Helen are having a conversation within a conversation about their relationship. Everything is subtext but essentially Helen tells Max that she needs to “triage,” she can’t be his “all of the above” and that she’s removing herself as his doctor. Of course Max is upset by this and with his wonderful Freudian slip he reveals his true heart’s desire when he says...

But what if I want you?

After this declaration, we get this expression on her face and then Helen STICKS TO HER RESOLVE!

In the context of this scene, Helen’s expression here tells me two things:

Max telling her “what if I want want you” is exactly what she wants to hear. She clearly has feelings for him and hearing that is supposed to tempt and sway her resolve. But based on their current circumstances the idea of them is simply not possible and it’s heart aching.

She clearly doesn’t want to do what she’s about to do in this moment but she’s BUILDING UP THE WILL POWER to do what she feels she has to do!

This is my interpretation of why Helen has that expression on her face. When I look at episode 3.10 where Helen has that same look before she hugs Max, I think the same reasons apply for this moment as well. As an avid Sharpwin shipper it’s easy to fan girl about these intimate moments and get carried away but when you logically look at their scene and the scene that took place right before, hopefully what I explain will make perfect sense to you.

Before Max and Helen’s moment on the roof, Helen had a GUT-WRENCHING scene with her niece. Mina is still heavily grieving her father and this explains so much of why she’s also had a lot of behavioral issues. She’s suffering emotionally and is desperately trying to find some semblance of peace and healing. Shanthi Sekaran, the writer for this episode, said the inspiration for this scene was Micaheanglo’s Pieta and how fitting it was for this moment between them.

“Pieta” which translates to pity or compassion, shows the the Virgin Mary compassionately holding on to the dead body of Jesus as she sorrowfully contemplates the death of her beloved son.

Like this sculpture, Helen compassionately holds Mina and comforts her as Mina is overcome with her grief and as Helen is trying to empathize with the depths of Mina’s sorrow! It’s just such a beautiful thing to witness and why I’m hoping Mina sticks around for the long haul. There’s so much emotional investment already and in this moment of their lives, they desperately NEED EACH OTHER! So when you look at everything from a wholistic perspective and you look at the chain of events that led Helen to be on that rooftop in the first place, does it LOGICALLY make sense that Helen would be in the headspace to address her relationship with Max or even kiss him? Nooooooooo!!!!

It doesn’t make sense!

If anything, her actions in this scene is a reflection of what she did earlier with Cassian when she broke up with him. As she made her niece first priority with Cassian, she is essentially making her niece first priority again with Max, despite being in love with him!

Let’s breakdown 3.10’s rooftop scene so y’all can know where I’m coming from.

Part 1 of this scene is Max and Helen discussing parenting and him emotionally supporting her when she feels like she had a parenting fail. This should have been the first clue for us to understand how this moment between them would play out because this issue with Mina was the main thing that was clearly plaguing her mind!

In part 2 of this scene, Max turns to leave and then after briefly hesitating, he turns around says

“I’m sorry about Cassian.”

As soon as he says this we see this same expression we saw in 1.17. Then Max continues and says.

I don’t know what to...say. I mean, we never talk about it.”

Y’all I said this in my last ask but this is a really big deal! This is Max’s first attempt to bring up the elephant in the room between them and it’s something that he’s never attempted to address before. Helen knows this is a big deal too and she knows where this conversation was headed. Hence why before the conversation could even go anywhere, Helen cut him off with a hug!

Like I said at the beginning of this post, the expression Helen makes before the hug is the key to understanding this scene in it’s entirety! Similar to 1.17 I believe the same reasons apply for her expression in 3.10 but vary slightly.

Once again, what Max is saying is exactly what Helen wants to hear but also what she’s been waiting for him to do! Unlike in season 1, Max and Helen are in completely different circumstances than they were back then. Subconsciously, they had feelings back then but now they are both fully aware that they’re in love with each other. The massive elephant in the room exists between them because they don’t talk about their feelings and they’re to afraid to voice that they’re in love with each other. There is no doubt in my mind that Max finally being able to at least broach the topic is something that she has always wanted Max to do. They seemingly don’t have anything that’s holding them back from being together but based by how I see it, the heart aching look on Helen’s face tells me that in Helen’s mind it’s essential she puts her sole focus into Mina, even if this is something she’s always wanted. (This Is KEY!)

Like 1.17, I think Helen was building up that will power to tell him that she’s happy that their friends even though she’s in love with him. That hug between them was a lot of things. It was deeply loving and heartfelt. It was cathartic with pent-up angst and longing semi-released but most of all, it was desperate and supportive. Despite this, I also believe that this hug was used to avoid a conversation that Helen didn’t want to have. If she allowed that conversation to go any further she would have 100% been swayed and would have probably given into her feelings. But Helen didn’t want to be swayed. She wanted to stick to her resolve that Mina is her first priority! Is this a problematic mindset? Yes! But after that emotionally charged moment with Mina I can see how Helen might think she’s making the right decision.

Also, I’m convinced that if Mina’s breakdown didn’t happen before Max and Helen’s moment on the rooftop, they would have probably had that conversation. But since it did happen, it totally plays a role in what transpires between Helen and Max.

For the moments after they hug this is how I interpret those interactions:

When Helen says to Max “what you said earlier” initially I thought she was referring to something he said earlier in the day. Now that I’ve taken a couple of days to really think about it, I just don’t think that makes sense. Again, after Helen’s moment with Mina, I don’t think she was in the headspace at all to talk about her feelings for him. This scene was more so about Max stepping up and being emotionally supportive of her and I think what’s she’s actually referring to is Max saying “But it helps not to be alone.” In that moment Helen recognized that Max will unequivocally support her and I think that’s something she’s incredibly grateful for. When Max responds with “what did I say?,” I genuinely believe he’s not thinking straight because he so overwhelmed and overjoyed to have Helen in his arms. Also, I think naturally he asks that question because he wants to know for future reference what he needs to keep saying to keep her in his arms 🥰.That look that she gives Max before she tells him that she’s really glad that they’re friends isn’t necessarily a look of disappointment because of Max. After I watched it again, that look to me is more so of a look of “I hate that I’m doing this but I have to do this.” As she is gazing into his eyes, it’s her final push to stick to her resolve! Her mind was already made up and she was going to see that decision through.

Y’all I’m going to wrap this up here because this ask wasn’t supposed to be a meta but ended up that way! Lol! Though these are my opinions on what transpired in 3.10 that doesn’t change my opinion of how I see things unfolding for Sharpwin this season. I just think it’s important to put scenes in proper context. Though Helen might have said that they’re friends, it is so evident that she is clearly in love with him. Like Max, she can’t pretend or neglect her personal wants and needs forever! The great sleeping bear of her desire stirred and is wide awake! Sooner rather than later that bear needs to be fed!

Feel free to reach out to me through my Dms on Tumblr or on Twitter! @oyindaodewale. Also my ask box is always open! 🥰

None of the Gifs in this post are mine!

[usesboth-a]

 it’s important for me to reiterate the fact that it took a long time for him to accept his body in earlier seasons because he was sought after many,   and yet he still felt so   uncomfortable   in his skin.    he was definitely in the    “most shape”    in s1 and s2 because of his time on the guard and he had time to work out and he ate enough to build muscle but always snuck home food for octavia to make sure she didn’t go hungry.

in s3,    he looks   a lot   more thin and i think that this has a lot to do with pike’s reign,   and just overall he was under a lot of stress and didn’t eat nearly as much as he had been.   with his anxiety as well,   eating was one of those things he    could control,   and to him,   he doesn’t see it as an   eating disorder   because everyone else was going hungry too,  and it wasn’t really that much of a thing he or anyone thought about.   everyone was eating less to save rations,   it hardly counts as a disorder.    that’s how he looked at it.

in s5,   even with monty’s algae,   bellamy works out more and spars with echo and emori  ---  anyone he can to build muscle.   he starts to find ways to cope with his anxiety,   which was heightened after praimfaya in s4 and leaving clarke on the ground,    and in return he starts to gain weight back,   and starts to really understand the  impact  of how his mental health plays a huge role in his personal image.   overall,    he’s still learning and trying to find ways to not have such a  negative  self - image of himself,   and   he needs those reminders sometimes,    especially from his partners so he won’t spiral down again.

[genetictraitor-a]

the saddest thing about selene cutting her hair and leaving it short after manticore 2.0 is the fact that she can’t really braid it anymore. she was ordered to keep it down or in a ponytail, but in the moments before being taken, when she was free, she loved having it in a single braid.

[kyojuuros]

I'm the one who wrote you the anon message regarding my feelings with the manga feeling like a 'rush job' despite being fine with the conclusion. Thanks for your response. I'm going to be brutally honest and say everything after chapter 106 (the War for Paradis arc), IMHO, should've gone differently in certain ways. For starters, it was WAY too long (33 chapters) and could've used more breathing room by splitting it into two and then start with a completely NEW arc that would've been DEVOTED....

to addressing ALL the plot points and possibly leading to a more satisfactory conclusion. Eren's character arc was fine but, IMHO, needed better build up, a long with a better conclusion with more focus on him in the REAL world, his REAL persona, and not the hard-ass act and Path shenanigans. The manga has a dark setting and it's suppose to be sad/tragic/depressing/heart wrenching but I don't like a terrible terms he left with friends, Hange and Levi. I'm sorry but there's really no excuse.

I bolded the part that really stood out to me because I feel exactly the same way. I don’t think making his thoughts and feelings a total mystery while completely turning him into someone who feels totally different from the pre-basement portion of the series was a good move, like, AT ALL. It’d be like if Star Wars was presented in chronological order (and let’s say you don’t know who Darth Vader is when you start) and saw Anakin and Padme get married, and then ~time skip~ to him attacking Padme and Obi-wan and becoming Darth Vader... and only seeing his descent to the dark side just before he sacrifices himself for Luke.

People who’ve followed me for a long time know I used to be a lot more involved in the meta community and I was always theorizing and making long-ass posts about character arcs and relationships and predictions on what I think is going to happen. It was a lot of fun and even if I wasn’t always correct, I was never so far off that it actually made me upset (or if I was, it was warranted and even comical... I used to think the Beast Titan wasn’t a shifter and that there was an underground tunnel that lead outside the walls lol). I think the last extensive meta/prediction I had written was after chapter 112 had published, and once I realized that I apparently had no fundamental understanding of Eren at all anymore I completely stopped trying. It wasn’t fun anymore. I didn’t appreciate that I could no longer understand my favorite character (of all time, at the time). 

But then I think back and I’m like, no... I did understand Eren. I understood him just fine before the time skip and that’s why everything after Marley frustrated me to no end because it was like he’d been ripped away from me and replaced with a fraud. I couldn’t even cry about his death because I’d become so emotionally removed from him by that point that it didn’t even matter to me anymore (and this is coming from someone who would cry about him a lot just listening to song lyrics or getting lost in thought or rambling with friends). It continues to frustrate me because I still love him as a character, and I don’t need to defend him (there is nothing defendable) but I wish I could feel confident in at least explaining his actions properly. I don’t mind that he became the antagonist, I just hate that I continue to feel like I can’t understand why.

I think that, had Isayama just told his story chronologically, and kept us privy to Eren’s POV, that we would have understood better. Seeing him descend into the darker side of himself would have made much more sense if we had actually witnessed it in real time. Giving us a random flashback here and there, barely getting his thoughts at all, and having the most underwhelming info dump in the final chapter (that STILL didn’t even clear things up properly, it just added MORE damn questions) was terrible for his character and the overall narrative. A character that used to give me so much hope (and I was in a very dark headspace when I stumbled upon snk) became a character that just made me feel disappointed.

Rambling over Eren aside, I also agree that the final arc should have been chopped up into 2 or more arcs (I generally treat the rumbling as its own arc at this point anyway). We should have gotten more from Historia. Levi should have interacted more with the 104th. We should have been able to see Hange blossom into their own as a confident commander (and not get killed just to make Armin commander for 5 minutes???). Armin and Annie’s feelings toward each other should have been explored more. Eren developing romantic feelings for Mikasa should have been explored more. Mikasa and the entire Azumabito/Hizuru subplot should have actually amounted to... literally anything. Ymir having a connection to Mikasa should have been explored much more (especially with the revelation that this was the most likely cause of the headache’s Mikasa has had since the 2nd chapter). I’m sure there’s plenty of other things I could think about that needed addressing, tbh. 

The story feels concluded but incomplete, if that makes sense. The themes were wrapped up and are easy to pinpoint and that’s good and all, but for a story that’s very character driven to not have properly built up/wrapped up certain arcs, relationships and character-centric plot points just makes it feel hollow. So I understand why a lot of people are very frustrated and upset and ready to put the story on the shelf never to be touched again.

I’m trying to give Isayama some grace since he admitted the scope of the story was beyond his ability as an author. I just wish that instead of barreling forward with a narrative that he knew he couldn’t execute properly, he would have reconsidered the trajectory of the plot altogether and written something that he knew he could feel confident in. I can think of many ways the story could have gone post-basement that would have been both more interesting and probably more satisfying, regardless if the ending was dark, bittersweet or happy.

It’s a story I’ll read and watch again, many times, I’m sure. I’m still looking forward to part 2 of the final season. I still want to make content for it. I still want to buy and display merchandise of it. I still love these characters and the world Isayama created. I appreciate and treasure all of the joy SnK has brought me over the years. I just... disagree heavily with his narrative choices in the final arc. I’d like to think that MAPPA will somehow execute it a little better (there are things WIT did that I liked better, though they did I things I also liked less, lol), but I’m not going to get high hopes just to get let down again. 

.... It appears I have pent up my frustrations a bit in an effort to maintain a positive presence. LOL