#i've recorded this scene several times and it's always there and i don't know how to fix it

[thirium]

Favorite Norkus Moments (2/?)

[imtherain]

How We Used To Be (Forced Closeness)

Oh Hai - Logan has inspired me again. This was supposed to be a very different story and there was supposed to be smut, but it didn't work out that way.

Warnings: Talk of injuries (basically that scene in Logan (2017)), Not smut, almost tho, talk about the past, angst I guess? Old Man Logan, who has issues with intimacy and it's not what you think (or maybe it is). I used y/n but it's in first person and I gave her powers/a mutant name, so idk what that's called.

Old Man Logan x mutant!reader I guess? I'm too old to learn the new tricks of labeling these things, all I know is I've been thirsty for Logan since I was literally 7 years old and this is quickly turning into one of the recipe blogs where you have to read a bazillion words before you see the directions. Sorry

Word Count: 3.2k (don't look at me)

[Masterlist]

“You look like shit, love,” I said, leaning in the doorway to the bathroom. Logan’s eyes shot up to glare at me in the mirror. He was bleeding from several bullet wounds and was currently shirtless and heaving over the sink. 

“Get the fuck out,” He ground out. I hadn’t seen him in almost six months. Almost a record.

“Calaban called me,” I told him, knowing he likely knew that was how I ended up here. “I’m glad he did, you’re worse off than anticipated.” 

“If you touch me, I’ll rip your arms off,” A caged animal snapping his teeth. I knew all of his threats to me were empty, but it still made my heart ache that he would rather suffer than let me help him.

“I’m not scared of you,” I told him, pulling myself off the doorframe. I shut the door behind me and crossed the tiles until I stood next to him. He was snarling in general, but didn’t move away when I took a cloth and began to clean the blood from one of the wounds on his arm.

My gift had earned me the name Booster back when things were good and goofy mutant names were all the rage, as my main ability was that I literally boosted other mutants powers when I touched them. I always joked about how it was a lazy XMen name. But now? There weren’t many of us left, no reason for silly code names. But we still stuck together when we could. I told myself that was the only reason I hung around this part of the country still. To be close to the few mutants I knew were left.

Nevermind that it was really the bleeding man in front of me that I stayed for.

“I don’t need your help,” Logan’s voice was quieter now, but still sharp edged like his teeth. I shushed him and wiped at another spot of blood, waiting for him to give in to the knowledge that I could actually make him feel better.

“I’m sure you don’t, but it would make me feel useful to help, would you deny me that?” I quirked an eyebrow at him and he looked away from me. 

“Last time you helped me I hurt you, I’m not letting that happen again,” I reached up and took his face in my hands. His eyes fluttered closed.

“Cuts heal,” I told him. He moved to cage me with his arms for a moment and I was sure he was going to give in. But all at once he shoved me away from him and I stumbled into the wall. “Logan,” I chided. 

“Leave, Y/N,” There was no snarl left in his voice, just defeat. 

And pain.

“No,” I told him simply. “Now are you going to let me Boost you or not?” 

“Last time…” 

“Yeah, yeah, last time,” I rolled my eyes as I cut him off. My abilities didn’t just boost one part of a mutant, it boosted all of them. So in Logan’s case, it made him a bit more animalistic for a time. Made him more likely to use his teeth, or use his claws.

The claws are what got me that last time he kept thinking about. He got me good, I'd give him that, I even had the scars on my ribcage if you looked close enough. But I didn't tell him that.

“If you do that again, I won’t be able to stop myself from…” Logan snarled at himself as a wave of pain contorted his features. “Fuck,” He cursed lowly to himself. I sighed and pulled my shirt off while he watched me in the mirror. 

“I’m a big girl, love, I can handle you,” I half teased, half soothed him. “And don’t forget, I get to keep a bit of what I boost, so anything you do to me won’t last long,” A secondary benefit to skin to skin contact with me. I got to taste the powers that others had. I hadn’t used it on too many mutants in my life. Most mutants didn’t really have powers that benefited from boosting all that much. But Logan and his healing factor? It was useful. Even if it made him extra feisty for a day or so.

It also made him horny usually but that was hardly a complaint from me.

“Fine, but only for a minute,” He finally gave in. I smiled at him and stepped behind him.

“Want me to take my bra off too?” I smirked over his shoulder at him and he shivered, shaking his head no. Too bad I was a bad listener. I shucked my bra and made a big show of dropping it to the floor next to us. Logan let out a shaky breath, knowing what was coming.

We’d been here before.

I pulled his beater out of his pants and slid my hands slowly up his ribs. He grunted as my hands slid over bruises and broken things. I hummed softly as I let my powers unfurl into his skin while I slid his shirt up. I’d learned pretty early on that the more skin that touched skin, the better my boosting worked.

I pressed myself along Logan’s back as I helped ease his shirt over his shoulders and arms. He groaned when the shirt finally came free over his head and joined mine on the floor. 

My arms closed around him, one moving up towards his chest, one circling around his middle. Skin searching skin as he caught my eyes in the mirror. 

“How does it feel?” I whispered against his shoulder. I had aimed for his neck but he avoided me.

“Warm,” He murmured. “Always does,” I pressed a soft kiss to his skin and he shivered again.

Instead of teasing him anymore, I focused on the task at hand, closing my eyes and leaning against him. I could feel my powers seeping into his skin, like sunshine that time we took a bunch of the kids to the beach the summer it was so hot the AC kept going out. I wondered if he ever let himself remember the good times or if he only ever lingered on the bad ones.

Logan let out a shaky breath followed by a deep groan as a bullet pushed free of his flesh. It landed with a metallic thud in the sink, closely followed by a second and a third. 

“Do you know how many there are?” I asked. 

“More,” Was all Logan got out from between his clenched teeth. I adjusted my hold and focused back on my breathing. Healing and boosting were both somehow tied to breath. 

My powers were not a magic fix though either. It still took time. I still remembered the days when he didn’t need me to boost him, but he’d ask just so I’d touch him a little. Back then I’d been shy, always holding his hand, or maybe his arm. I was shy a lot until the day he kissed me the first time.

Then all the cards were on the table…all the clothes on the floor.

A metallic thud on the floor brought me back to the task at hand. I moved my arms to touch different skin and Logan covered my hands with his, holding me so I didn’t pull away. I smiled against his shoulder and playfully nipped him with my teeth.

“And you didn’t want me to touch you a second ago,” I teased him. He growled, low in his throat. The animal was coming up in his chest and I knew what that meant for me. Logan was scared he’d hurt me again, but I knew the risk, and I was eager to face him. 

“That’s enough,” Logan panted, but he didn’t pull my hands away. I waited to see what he’d do, pull away or pull me closer. 

He brought one of my hands up to his mouth and kissed each finger tip. I hummed in pleasure, not so subtly rubbing my suddenly erect nipples along his spine. Another growl and my fingers were suddenly in his mouth.

“Logan!” I chuckled as he nibbled on my fingers. “I know that’s technically skin, but my arm isn’t helping if you hold it up like that,” I tried to pull my hand back and he just grumbled at me. 

“How do you still taste so good?” Logan mused, not expecting an answer. “It’s been years and you still taste just as sweet,” 

“You’re a romantic is why,” I hid my blush from his hungry eyes by dipping behind his shoulder again. Logan pulled me in front of him, caging me between his chest, his arms, and the bathroom sink.

“You should leave now, before it’s too late,” His eyes were hungry in the same way they had always been for me. I reached up and took his face in my hands again, tracing the crows feet around his eyes with my thumbs.

“And miss all the fun?” I mused. He rolled his eyes at me. “And you’re still bleeding,” I pointed out, tracing the one wound on his arm that hadn’t quite healed yet. It must have been the nastiest one because it appeared to be the last one to go.

“Y/N,” he warned. 

“I’ll stop touching you when this one heals,” I told him. “Promise,” it was a baldfaced lie. I wouldn’t leave him unless he bodily threw me out the window. And not only would I not fit out the closest window, he would never dare.

“I don’t know if I can hold out that long,” Logan’s pupils were blown and his smirk was hazy. I knew exactly what he was craving and I was pretty impressed he’d managed to hold himself back as long as he had.

“I can take you, big boy,” I smirked. “Always could and always will,” I pulled myself on his shoulders so that I could press my lips to his. It was just a quick peck, testing the waters. Logan stared at me for a long time, neither of us noticing that the last bullet hole had finally closed. 

But there was still pain in him, still things to heal, so I held onto him, hoping to fix everything I could before he made me leave him again.

Logan finally got himself together enough to push me away from him. I swallowed hard, wondering if he’d be mad that I clung to him as long as I had, wondering if this time I’d sassed my way into making him actually hate me.

His eyes drifted from my flushed cheeks, to my parted lips, down the curve of my neck and the valley between my breasts. I knew they’d seen better days, having drooped with the years, but from the hunger in Logan’s eyes, you’d think he didn’t notice.

His hands moved from my shoulders to my chest and I gasped at the sudden sensation of him pawing me.

“I shouldn’t,” Logan complained into my throat as he dragged his teeth along my pulse.

“I can take it,” I assured him.

“What if I hurt you?” 

“I can take it,” I told him again.

“Fuck,” Logan’s growl tickled my neck as he moved to lift me onto the nearest surface, a sad excuse for a bathroom cabinet that gave way with a crack as soon as he set me on it.

“I’ll fix that,” I told him but he didn’t care, his mouth was on mine before I could come out with another apology. Logan pulled me flush with his chest, off the now broken surface to my feet, and walked backwards with me until he ran into the door frame. 

I giggled a little as he cursed, unclear why this was so difficult. I got us through the door, smiling and pulling on his hands, making sure to keep my skin touching his somewhere. Anywhere.

Everywhere I could reach. 

Logan licked his way into my mouth as we stumbled through the living room, bouncing off the wayward furniture as we made our way to his bed. Finally, something soft to land on.

I was on my back looking up at him. I’d seen him in his prime, when his hair wasn’t graying, when he didn’t keep a beard. I’d seen him when nothing could stop him. And looking at him now, I felt exactly the same as I did back then. Hungry for the animal of him, for the things I knew he could do to me. Lust for the sensations he could cause. And love, still burning brightly after all these years.

Love for the man he was underneath it all.

When Logan didn’t join me right away, I reached up to him and whined, knowing he always liked how desperate I got for him. He shook his head at my shenanigans and I wiggled for him as his hands worked to undo his pants.

“Impatient as always,” Logan chuckled.

“It’s your fault for making me go away all the time,” I countered. His slacks hit the floor and he moved to kiss his way up my bare stomach as he worked on getting me out of mine.

He just grunted as his mouth ran along the skin he exposed when he pulled my pants and underwear down my thighs. I knew it wasn’t the time to bring it up, so I didn’t push him or ask him to ask me to stay.

Logan pressed his face into the soft spot behind my knee and I squirmed as his beard tickled the sensitive skin.

“God you smell amazing,” He mumbled, tracing the inside of my thigh with open mouth kisses. I let my hips relax and fall open for him and his eyes zeroed in on the place that, at the moment, needed him most. With a growl, Logan moved to bury his face in my folds, and I couldn’t help the surprised yelp I let out at his movements. 

There was a time he would devour me for hours if given the chance. A time when he’d want me in any place we were. Broom closets, empty classrooms, offices that we weren’t even supposed to be in. Every hotel and far too many bathrooms. Quickies and love making and slow fucks and even hate fucks now and then. We had everything, but now? 

“Fuck, Logan that tickles,” I wiggled against his face as he breathed me in.

“Shh,” He murmured. “Just let me have this,” 

“I’m trying to give it to you,” I groaned. Logan rolled his eyes at me, but adjusted so that he could pass a long lick of his tongue through me. I shivered at the sensation, a fire sparking along my nerves. I felt his self-satisfied smirk against my core before he moved his mouth against me again. 

“I don’t remember you being this desperate,” He mused, pulling two long fingers through the dampness he’s been lapping at.

“Logan, baby, please,” I begged him to do more than tease me.

“Please what, sweetheart?” Logan’s eyes caught mine as I huffed, annoyed that he wasn’t fucking me yet.

“I want more of you,” I told him. 

“Yeah well, ‘more of me’ ain’t exactly working at the moment,” He admitted. I knew finally growing old had caught up with him in a lot of ways, but my chest ached for him that it came for him this way too. He’d always prided himself on his virality.

“I want any of you I can get, baby,” I smiled at him, reaching down to pull him flush with my chest so I could kiss him again, my mouth opening easily for his tongue to explore. I let my powers unfurl into the kiss, into any skin of his that was touching mine. Trying desperately to let him feel like himself again.

“Hmm,” He mumbled, pulling back slightly. I kissed the side of his mouth, his jaw, as he tried to shake the feeling out of his head. “Warm,” His eyes were suddenly really far away, sleepy. I kissed him again, softer now. 

“It’s ok, baby, I’ve got you,” I told him. He made a grumbling noise in his chest as sleep zapped his strength.

“What did you…what did you do to me?” Logan tried to push himself off of me, but only managed to roll to one side. I held him close.

“Nothing, love,” I whispered, kissing his face again. “Healing is just, just a lot, remember?” 

“But I was gonna fuck you,” Logan mumbled, eyes closed now.

“I know baby,” I smiled gently at him. I had my arms around him still, trying to help him heal some of the damage that the bullets hadn’t caused. “You can fuck me tomorrow,” He tried to move away from me, but he was unable to untangle our limbs before his body told him it was nap time.

I sighed heavily, a bit bummed that neither of us had ended up getting our rocks off, but happy too, that I’d been able to help boost his healing. But I had a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was far worse off than I thought he was. 

When we were younger, he’d almost go into a rut after being Boosted. It was madness but it was always a good time. The last few years, with his body slowing down, the Boosting made him feral, but then he’d pass out for a long time while his body caught back up. The last time I’d been here, he’d fucked me through two orgasms and himself through one, before the sleepiness came for him. That time, he’d lashed out, thinking he’d been drugged. It was like the nights he’d wake up with nightmares, only he’d not gone fully to sleep yet.

Part of me was glad he didn’t try to gut me at least. But my heart clenched at the thought that maybe the end of him was closer than I wanted to believe.

To stave off the tears that were suddenly crowding my throat, I adjusted our bodies so that Logan could use my chest as a pillow. He mumbled something in his sleep, and his arm pulled me closer, holding me like maybe this time he wasn’t going to let me go. I circled his head with my arms, carding my fingers through his hair, happy to be able to comfort him, to allow him to sleep.

For just a moment, it could have been any other day. We could be young again. All of our friends, still alive. I closed my eyes and imagined the sounds of the school. Kids running down wooden hallways, calling after each other. Tears escaped me then, because most of those kids were gone now. And any kids like them, like I had been so long ago now, didn’t have a school to go to. They would be rounded up and killed now. Or taken away to some place horrible. And I knew there was nothing I could do.

Except maybe hold Logan just a little bit tighter, knowing that every fight ever fought for those kids, eventually made its way to him too.

[Another Logan Fic]

[mayasaura]

sorry if this has been answered before or if there's a post about this, but I've been seeing a lot of posts labeling harrow as schizophrenic and/or having trouble recognizing reality, including the one you just made about crux as harrow's caretaker and reality-indicator.

I realize that these interpretations come from htn, but I'm curious as why people feel that it's always been a trait of harrow's instead of a side effect of the lobotomy?

I was under the impression that she created the reality problems as an excuse to cover the blocks in her memory, especially since we know that wake/the sleeper didn't possess her until after gtn and most of her confusion happens in the river bubble.

even the "hallucinations" of the body don't really impact her perception of reality, and it's actually alecto's soul not a real hallucination. the only questionable moment I can remember is when she sees cytheria under the bed and ianthe says there's nothing there, but we know ianthe is a duplicitous legend so I read it as ianthe lying to harrow lol

long story short, I was wondering if there was scenes in gtn, ntn, or post-realization htn that indicate harrow has had these reality problems pre-lobotomy? or if you know of a post analyzing it further? sorry to throw this at you, I just haven't seen any analysis of it but I saw your post so I was hoping you would have more info :) I really adore all of your tlt analysis posts!

Hi! Yeah, if you go into my '#harrow's schizophrenia' tag, I've made several posts about it, and other people have added on to a few of them with further elaboration.

But I don't think I've ever laid it out fully like a thesis. And I have several stressful things I should be doing right now, so I can't think of a better time to get into it.

When Harrow's brain is editing Gideon out, there's an effect a little like a record skip. Her memory snags on something, very briefly, and then quickly moves on. Or she'll make an assumption or say something that doesn't actually make sense without Gideon in the picture, but she won't notice. The most prominent example is the details in chapter 3 surrounding her opening of the Tomb:

Just ellipsis "found out" ellipsis to skim over the very large part Gideon had to play in those events. If she were to interrogate the memory, it would be strange that she doesn't remember how her parents found out, but doing so would make her brain bleed. She would black out, and most likely forget what she was trying to remember.

And an example from the same chapter of a statement that doesn't make sense, unless you know about Gideon:

Two things are important about these examples, the first being that they don't upset Harrow. She doesn't think they're strange, because she barely thinks about them, which was sort of the point of the lobotomy in the first place. The second is that they can be immediately explained by plugging Gideon into the Gideon-shaped hole in Harrow's memory. If you know about Gideon, and what Harrow's done, there's no mystery remaining.

In contrast, there are other details in chapter 3 about Harrow's childhood that Harrow did, and does, find strange and upsetting.

Gideon didn't attend services, and she most definitely didn't participate in chants. Putting Gideon back in the picture does nothing to explain the "weird, thuddering beat" Harrow finds disruptive. But it does sound an awful lot like an auditory hallucination, as does hearing doors open and close where no doors were opening and closing.

Maybe we could try to explain the doors by supposing she was hearing Gideon coming and going without remembering the source, but that doesn't really track with how we know her mind processes the missing pieces. If Harrow were papering Gideon over in her memory, it wouldn't be important who was or wasn't opening doors and where. The focus of her memory would quickly shift, just like it did when trying to remember how her parents found out about the Tomb, in order to avoid looking at what she's hidden from herself.

Then there's the next paragraph:

Again, plugging Gideon into this memory does nothing to explain it. Even if Gideon had been in the habit of sneaking up behind Harrow and attempting to choke her out—which, yikes—Harrow has already seamlessly blocked out the memory of one attempted strangulation. Then there are the phantom ropes she sees, her parents' method of suicide haunting her.

The forgetting where she was, losing time, and false memories do seem at first glance like they could be explained by the lobotomy, seeing as that is sort of the whole purpose and effect. But I'm pretty sure even these are real memories. Again, because of the focus of her attention. She's remembering having forgotten, while the lobotomy make her forget to remember.

Then there's Harrow's overall behavior. Her reactions to her hallucinations, especially in the River bubble, which imply that not all of this is new to her. She isn't shocked, or caught off-guard. She has coping mechanisms. She's figured out what evidence she can probably rely on to rule out hallucinations, and what's more likely to be suspect. A lobotomy, even a necromantic lobotomy, doesn't come with built-in tools for coping with its effects. Her memory of her past without Gideon in it is fractured and incomplete, not an entirely new life story with new life lessons.

Finally, from Nona the Ninth, some evidence that Harrow's problems with reality definitely predate the lobotomy:

Crux remembers them.

[knaccblog]

Aziraphale and "I Forgive You"

So after I watched the first season a few times however many years ago, I noticed something, wrote up a bit of a meta about it and then never posted it. I thought that it was either very obvious or very silly and either way, no one needed to see it. But now it's several years and another season later and again, I'm noticing the exact same thing so here it goes- I think the reason Aziraphale keeps saying that he forgives Crowley has overall very little to do with what Crowley has just done right before Aziraphale says it and much more to do with a secret Aziraphale hides deep within himself and has for thousands of years, a truth that he hates to acknowledge and is terrified to speak aloud: he thinks God is wrong to have not Forgiven Crowley.

Get settled in because this is gonna take a bit.

The first time I started noticing this really clearly is the Bandstand Breakup scene. Crowley starts by cussing God literally out- "For the record, great, pustulant, mangled bollocks to the Great blasted Plan." To which Aziraphale says, "May you be forgiven." And yes, Crowley has just sinned and Aziraphale is a stuffy angel but the way Aziraphale says it is like a hope, atleast to my ears. Like he's really wishing that God will see how good Crowley truly is and bring him back to Heaven even though he keeps doing stupid stuff like this

Anyway, Crowley then responds with, "I won't be forgiven. Not ever. Part of a demon's job description. Unforgivable. That's what I am." And Aziraphale responds again with a hopeful sounding, "You were an angel once." At this point, I was almost sure that he's talking about his personal wishes here. It sounds like he's saying, "Come on, Crowley. There's a chance." To which Crowley responds, "That was a long time ago," basically saying it's impossible and shutting that whole bit of the conversation down. And you can just watch Aziraphale's face fall at that, like it kills him for that to be true. 

The next time the topic of forgiveness and Crowley comes up is when Crowley shows up to beg Aziraphale to run away with him one last time. In this conversation, Aziraphale is very adamant that if he talks to the right people, they won't want the apocalypse and they'll stop it. He, of course, thinks this because his most core belief is that God is good and that even if we don't understand how what God is doing is good right now, it will lead to goodness eventually via the Rube Goldburg machine which is time and the universe etc aka God is ineffable. But even Aziraphale can't imagine how the ineffable Rube Goldburg machine could turn an event where everything on earth dies into a good one so therefore, he's certain that God doesn't want the Apocalypse.

Crowley responds to this hope with, "You're so clever. How can someone as clever as you be so stupid?" to which Aziraphale responds, "I forgive you" in a very gentle but sure tone. And now yes, while it is entirely possible that Aziraphale is forgiving Crowley for calling him stupid, I've always felt like that would be a rather weighty response considering how mild an insult it is. It's also possible (and I feel slightly more likely) that Aziraphale is forgiving Crowley for his lack of faith, his inability to believe in the goodness of God anymore. 

And that could definitely be it, but if we think about the way Aziraphale had talked about forgiveness at the Bandstand, the hope and desire that he seemed to put into the idea of forgiveness and Crowley and the fact that Crowley had dismissed it as entirely impossible for him to ever be forgiven, than a third read of Aziraphale's "I forgive you" emerges: one in which Aziraphale is saying, "While God might never forgive you, I do". It's "I might never see you again since you intend to run away to the stars but if this is the last time I ever see you, I want you to know that I think you are deserving of forgiveness. That I see the good in you even if God can't." It's a combination "I love you" and small rebellion against God, because while Aziraphale can't bring himself to give up on Her completely and run away with Crowley (even though a part of him clearly wants to), he is willing to say that She's done this one thing wrong and it's never forgiving Crowley, who Aziraphale can see clearly is more kind and good than any of the angels he knows.

So yeah, that was about where the idea rested at the end of the first season but now we have a bunch of new historical scenes and a new "I forgive you" following a very loaded conversation in which Aziraphale got extremely excited by the idea of Crowley being reinstated as an Angel and I felt like this idea has even more legs than before. 

To me, it's very clear that Aziraphale's pitch for Crowley to come back to Heaven isn't him hoping to "reset" Crowley to how he was before the Fall or him being incapable of loving Crowley as a Demon and instead was him being overjoyed to have this secret truth (Crowley is deserving of God's Forgiveness) that he's been observing for 6000ish years be acknowledged and have a chance to come to fruition. After all, as we saw this season (and honestly last season too but less pronounced), Crowley, current Demon Crowley, not the angel he knew over 6000 years ago, has proven over and over again just how truly good he is to Aziraphale.

For example, in the Job sequence, Crowley does a truly good thing that no Angel (beside Aziraphale) would do or even think that they should do and that is save Job's children. And through the entirety of this bit, Aziraphale basically always believes that he will. There are even two moments where Crowley tries his best to scare Aziraphale away, to play up being the bad guy (so as to better hide the con he's running and protect Aziraphale), but Aziraphale's faith in Crowley's goodness does not falter. At the end of the day, it seems clear that Aziraphale has more faith that Crowley will do the good thing, the correct thing than God. Conveniently for Aziraphale's faith in God though, not understanding how something horrible he hates will eventually lead to goodness in the long run is a foundational principle of said faith so his faith in God remains strong even after everything She and Heaven do to Job. 

But his faith in Crowley doesn't require such a complicated work around. He believes Crowley won't kill children and he is correct. Though unfortunately, this very simplicity leads to a new problem, a problem that we can see eventually solidify in Aziraphale's mind, becoming a running theme of their association and leading to the eventual "I forgive you"s.

Aziraphale can clearly see how kind and good Crowley is, how he does the right thing as best he can, even when he could (and sometimes does) get into immense trouble for it. But for some reason, despite repeated evidence that Crowley is everything that Aziraphale believes Angels are and should be, Crowley continues to be a Demon. And once you realize that Aziraphale has noticed this contradiction and that it most likely haunts him and is a constant challenge to his worldview, it colors a lot of what he says in a new light. Many of what seem like simple, self-righteous statements reveal themselves to be Aziraphale trying to protecting himself from a massive logical inconsistency he keeps stumbling across. 

"It must be bad, otherwise you wouldn't have tempted them into it," Aziraphale says, clearly not quite sure why it's bad actually. 

"You, I'm afraid, are evil," Aziraphale asserts, basically stating that Crowley is evil because he's evil. It's tauntological and therefore doesn't have to make sense. (He says this one shortly before Crowley saves Elsbeth from suicide, poverty and damnation.) 

"So this is all your demonic work? I should have known," Aziraphale says, thinking, "Aha, this time Crowley must have done the bad thing and therefore continues to deserve being Fallen." (Crowley has, in fact, not done the bad thing but shhhh, worry about that later.) 

Once you notice this self defensive habit, you can't unnotice it really, it's just so present in Aziraphale's logic and speech. Aziraphale even at one point says, "Still a demon, then?" after the Ark and Job and Jesus because on some level he probably doesn't want to actually evaluate, it makes no sense to him that Crowley is still a Demon, especially when he has also sinned in a few ways (lied to Gabriel, thwarted the will of God, technically gluttony etc) and nothing has happened to him, to say nothing for all the things Gabriel has done (or has just let passively happen without a thought to interfere).

So yes, I think the entire final argument plays out the way it does because Aziraphale thinks Crowley is good and deserves to be reinstated, to be forgiven by God more than anything. 

He comes into their final conversation nervous but excited, to the point where he stomps right over what Crowley is trying to say. "You see I... I have some incredible good news to give you." The good news is for Crowley, you see, because Crowley deserves this and clearly being forgiven like he so deserves should logically make Crowley happy. It will make Aziraphale happy after all. 

Aziraphale then starts to describe the conversation that he had with Metatron, stating that he thinks he might have misjudged him. And why would he think that he misjudged the angel who had told him point blank to his face that "The point is not to avoid the war, it is to win it" about the Apocalypse? Well, it's not because he's offered the job of Supreme Archangel, that's for sure. As we can see in the flashback, Aziraphale seems nervous and uninterested in the job at first. He says clearly that he doesn't want to go back to Heaven and even brings up a very half assed excuse to try and weasel out of it, a soft no of, "Where will I get my coffee?" 

No, instead, the clear, obvious point where Aziraphale changes his mind about the job and about the Metatron is when he offers to reinstate Crowley as an Angel. Metatron has, quite accidentally (I think? I don't think he actually knows Aziraphale's secret soul), just said one of the most faith affirming things he possibly could to Aziraphale, "We can correct that little error that's been bothering you. You are completely correct that Crowley deserves God's forgiveness." 

Given that, it's understandable that Aziraphale is absolutely bubbly about Crowley's reinstatement when he mentions it to him, like the best thing ever has just happened to him even though he's talking about something that will happen to Crowley and not him at all. "You could come back to heaven and- and everything. Like the old times, only even nicer." (Nicer because this time, they are in love. Nicer because they'll both be powerful enough to make a difference.)

Some other bits of Aziraphale's dialogue from this scene that make so much sense through this lens are:

After Crowley tries to reiterate his constant stance that both sides are bad actually, and mentions how he rejected Hell's offer to work with them again, Aziraphale misses his point completely and says, "But well, obviously you said no to Hell, you're the bad guys. But Heaven, it's the side of truth, of light, of good." Aziraphale's faith in the potential goodness of Heaven and the actual goodness of God is unflappable but so is his belief that good is what Crowley wants to be doing. Like of course a good soul like Crowley would reject working for Hell again but why would he reject a chance to do good like he's sneakily been doing all along? (Aziraphale here ignores the fact that he's also had to sneakily do good on the side sometimes even though he was always working for "the side of good" but that is very par for the course for him sadly.) 

The lines, "Come with me- to heaven. I'll run it, you can be my second in command. We can make a difference," are a particularly telling set.  Everything about these from the high position he's offering Crowley to the "We" scream that Aziraphale trusts Crowley, a Demon, to guide Heaven the correct way more than any angel already in Heaven.

Aziraphale's final, desperate argument also lines up well with this (as well as featuring Aziraphale more completely referencing how he wants him and Crowley to be together romantically). "Come back, to heaven. Work with me! We can be together. Angels... Doing good. I- I need you! I don't think you understand what I'm offering you." Like is the "I need you" here romantic? Definitely. But it's also Aziraphale again affirming that he trusts Crowley to lead him the correct way ie goodness, because, as it's been shown to us many times (and focused on particularly in this season), Crowley will do and always has been doing the correct thing as best he could while Aziraphale would dither and be locked into passivity (like in The Resurrectionists).

So yes, after many attempts to explain to Crowley how he should be in Heaven, doing good and Aziraphale needs his help and one last desperate kiss from Crowley, we reach the final dreaded, "l forgive you." And yes, maybe Aziraphale is forgiving Crowley for not having faith that they can fix heaven, for abandoning him, for kissing him so suddenly. But I hope, after everything I've laid out here in this essay, you can also see why I think Aziraphale is saying, "Even as you reject God's forgiveness and leave me behind, I still see that you are good and know you deserve it so I will forgive you anyway." And maybe, even though it's still blasphemous to disagree with God, it's less scary for Aziraphale to say "I forgive you" one more time than tell Crowley that he loves him for the first time. He is very good at forgiveness after all.

[charcubed]

Disneyland's Rogers: The Musical, propaganda that turns Steve Rogers into more myth than man, and revisionist history (possibly) to a purpose

Any of my thoughts in this post could just be me reading too far into things. I'm very aware of that, and please know that this post exists just because this sort of thing is fun for me! This is a thought exercise where we propose "What if we live in a world where the MCU is actually doing a cool and interesting thing as a longcon?" If you have anger at Marvel, that's valid and relatable, but please don't get angry at me or imply I'm an MCU stan who doesn't think critically about the mouse. Thanks!

Breaking news: I'm back on my bullshit!

A quick personal recap: I infamously hated Avengers: Endgame for a long list of reasons (and I even rewrote the movie). One of those reasons is that I've always taken issue with Steve's ending. But in the years since then, and as the MCU's phase 4 has evolved, my frustration at Steve's "ending" has turned into an ongoing and legitimate theory that the MCU could be slowly leading into a loosely adapted Secret Empire plot line. I know we've all been joking about Steve being trapped or about an imposter Steve since 2019, but uhhh, it's kind of not a joke to me anymore? It feels weirdly plausible at this point and so I enjoy discussing the potential.

You can find a full elaboration on that here, where I wrote out my "Steve was snatched by HYDRA" theory in 2021.

In that post, one of the things I mentioned at the time was Rogers: The Musical being in the Hawkeye trailer.

[The musical's] very existence is an example of how in-universe the stories of the lives of the heroes are being commodified, especially (in terms of how they’re framing it) for Steve’s. The heroes are no longer seen as people, if they ever were. They are, as Kate Bishop says to Clint in a recently released clip, more about “branding.” Sam Wilson will be redefining the shield moving forward in a Cap context, but simultaneously, the world is still enamored by Steve Rogers as a symbol in his own right. And that is ripe for manipulation as a Trojan horse to control public opinion… whether in the context of things like this by themselves (is the musical portraying Steve accurately, or is it painting an inaccurate picture of him the world accepts as fact?) or in future (is this propaganda that makes the public see Steve a certain way and continue to love him, to set up a fake or brainwashed Steve coming on the scene later?).

Now a form of the musical exists in full, at Disneyland and all over Youtube. Considering some of its baffling content – which I will break down below – this perspective seems even more strongly worth considering.

I have two main reasons for why I'm defending examining this musical so closely:

1. It is (arguably) an in-universe piece of media that has bearing on the MCU canon. It isn't like any other typical Disneyland attraction; its very existence is meta and it was in canon first. Obviously it's seen in Hawkeye, but there are also posters for it in several different phase 4 properties. It's lurking in the background indefinitely. So what can this musical tell us about what the wider public within the MCU is being told about the life story of Steve Rogers?

2. This Secret Empire graphic – which is animated in the center of the stage of a prolonged period of time – feels like a literal sign to pay attention.

Granted, this is obviously still ancillary material. 99% of the MCU audience will never see this musical, whether in person or on YouTube. But just because it isn't a vital piece doesn't mean it's automatically an entirely irrelevant piece.

They've given me an inch with that sign and I'm taking a mile.

So if you're interested, please join me on this journey :)

For the record, let me just say that I salute the creative team behind this show. It's pretty fun and the songs are catchy, the sets and costuming are cool, and the cast is overall very talented.

It's also fucking maddening. LMAO.

Why? Firstly, because of the seemingly deliberate ahistorical inaccuracies. We all know Ant-Man is wrongly shown in the Battle of New York, which originally "came from [the Hawkeye showrunner] and Marvel, as something to further aggravate Hawkeye as he watched the show, and also as a comment on how movies and articles and people always get something wrong." It seems like they expanded those meta nods, but most inaccuracies are now in service of glorifying Steve and Peggy's "love story." Yes, romance objectively makes for good theater; but again, I feel that this is worth examining considering the full context.

And secondly, Steve's ending is framed as an offer presented to him, convincing him it's the happy ending he deserves because he's tired. In my mind, these two big elements go together, and I'll walk you through the details of what happens in the musical before I tie the thought threads back around into some theorizing.

For your reference, here's a list of the main songs and story beats:

• "U-S-Opening Night" - the Starkettes (who are basically a Greek chorus) frame the show's story, and then it turns into an ensemble that loosely takes place at the Stark Expo. • "I Want You" – Steve's "I want" song about trying to enlist in the army. • "Star-Spangled Man With A Plan" – Steve performing on the USO tour obviously, and then there's a reprise with an added voiceover that (very briefly) covers the Howling Commandos' rescue + the war via comic book imagery. • "What You Missed" – Fury and the Starkettes tell Steve some pop culture things he missed while he was frozen, + they tell him about the Avengers. Then Fury goes down a list of other hero characters, including the Guardians? Doctor Strange? Wanda?? It plays loose and fast with time, because many non-2012 characters are bafflingly mentioned in this nonlinear Avengers list – including the Winter Soldier (???). • "Save the City" – this is the song seen in Hawkeye, with the civilians + the Avengers all involved, but it's slightly different here and expanded to also reference other battles. • "End of the Line" – Old Steve presents main Steve with the time stone as an opportunity for his happy ending, and they reflect on things together. (Yes, this is insane.) • "Just One Dance" – Steve and Peggy reunite and sing about their love. • And then there's basically a reprise of "Save the City," with the Starkettes and the whole cast closing the finale out.

Right out of the gate, let's address this: the main reason you're going to see some fans pissed about this musical is not only that Steve and Peggy's ~epic romance~ is made a pillar of the story... but also that Bucky's importance/involvement in Steve's life is minimized as much as possible.

And they took Bucky-related elements from canon and made them center more around Peggy instead.

• For some weird reason, Peggy is in the Stark Expo scene. When a soldier is hitting on the Starkettes ("hey sweetheart, I wanna dance!"), Steve tells the soldier to show the ladies some respect. The soldier grabs Steve and throws him down, and then Peggy swoops in to yell "Pick on someone your own size!" and punches the guy before walking away. So she's given Bucky's TFA line verbatim, and she is given the role he had of saving Steve from bullies. There is blatantly no reason they couldn't have had Bucky still serve that function and be truer to "history," because he briefly enters this scene in uniform less than a minute later to announce he's shipping out to the 107th – and then he spins off with a date on his arm. (We don't see Bucky on stage again until the full cast comes out for the finale!)

• After the Star-Spangled Man show, Peggy rushes in to talk to Steve. Steve is excited about his USO performance (???) but she urgently tells him to listen as she says that the 107th has been captured. Peggy apparently knows it's Bucky's division, and she knows Steve is going to go, so she tells him that she's already arranged transport for him. This is a subtle twist from the truth of how it went down in TFA, in which Steve recognized 107 as the number of Bucky's division, and his dogged determination inspired Peggy to relent and help his rescue mission. Here, Peggy is given a stronger role in the Cap origin story. And before Steve rushes off, Peggy sings a short untitled ballad hoping for their dance, so Steve pauses before he leaves to ask her to go on a date with her when he returns. • The most egregious Bucky-to-Peggy change of all is the song "End of the Line," in which the infamous Steve and Bucky line/promise (that broke Bucky's brainwashing...) is re-contextualized to be about ???? Peggy waiting for Steve in the past??? Old Man Steve and regular Steve sing it together. But we'll go back to that in a minute.

Again, I get it, yeah? It's for theater. Whatever. But in reality, the obvious logical truth is that Peggy is centered (to the point of taking elements from Bucky's story, and in turn Bucky is downplayed) because they needed to convince the audience that Steve going back in time to be with her makes sense. Steve's time travel ending had to be justified, so the Peggy and Steve "love story" had to be a pillar in this with everything else being given lesser weight.

And the inherent selfishness of him doing something as big as going back in time also had to be justified... which is why they do their best to convince you Steve fought so much he deserved it.

Let me elaborate on that by describing the lead-up to the "End of the Line" song.

So, right before "End of the Line" is "Save the City" – which includes Steve belting "I can do this all day!" repeatedly, of course. It's the 2012 Battle of New York as the Avengers come together to win.

As they begin to disperse, the song then transitions to a voiceover alert mentioning Sokovia being under attack by artificial intelligence (a.k.a. Age of Ultron). The Avengers group rushes back to center stage to say "Save the city! Help us win!" together for battle again.

And then things get fucking weird.

Because the next voiceover threat is "Washington DC. Attack: the Winter Soldier." This is not accurate to the order of events! The Winter Soldier events were before Age of Ultron; the public of the MCU would also know this.

And suddenly on stage Steve is now in the center while everyone else gestures to him. Instead of singing with him, they're telling him "Save the city! Help us win!"

Then, another voiceover: "Wakanda, under attack" (Infinity War) and again, Steve is centered while everyone else points to him. The ensemble says, "Save the city, help us win! Save us all from the state we're in! Got to hear you, got to hear you, got to hear you say..." as Steve is buckling to his knees under their pointing. And as the lights go down to one spotlight on him and everyone else leaves, he says "I can do this all day" one last time, but now it's subdued.

The implication is that Steve has been fighting and fighting, people leave him or he loses them, and he's tired.

And then fucking Old Man Steve arrives.

He says "On your left," because yes, they gave him Sam Wilson's line. BATSHIT.

So now there's two Steves on stage! There has been no mention of Thanos or infinity stones or anything up to this point! (I can only assume that's because in the MCU universe no one would want to be reminded of the trauma of "the Blip" – though it's pretty wild that they're allowed to know about magical time travel?)

Steve is baffled by Old Man Steve's arrival. I, too, was baffled by Old Man Steve's arrival.

As Steve questions how this is possible, Old Man Steve shows him the time stone from his pocket – and only the time stone – which Steve recognizes.

OLD MAN: "You've got to remember where you've been to know where you're going." STEVE: "Where am I going?" OLD MAN: "A date with destiny." STEVE: “Destiny. So we’re the hero till the end?” OLD MAN: “That’s the thing about endings, Steven. They can be rewritten.”

Lmao???????

Steve starts singing about how he hopes this means they "win" and calls himself a "tired hero."

STEVE: "But sometimes I wonder, who will save the savior? Can we really do this all day? So here I am, now and also then. Just a man, looking back at where he's been." OLD MAN: "The road is rough but wounds are healed by a thing called time. You can't forget what's waiting at the end of the line."

Me, watching this: the fact that he says this out of the blue makes absolutely no sense.

There's a bit more singing, including "end of the line" repetition, and then Old Man Steve pulls out the time stone to essentially show visions of... I don't fucking know. Past, present, and future?

That's pre-serum Steve, Steve with Mjolnir, and Sam Wilson as the new Cap. This is the only reference to Sam in the whole thing.

More singing, and then: Peggy's silhouette.

OLD MAN: "Can't forget who's waiting..." STEVE: "I can't forget who's waiting..." BOTH: "Don't forget who's waiting..." STEVE: "At the end of the line."

At this point I'm like, what in the hell?

Did Old Man Steve just brainwash normal Steve into thinking "end of the line" is now about Peggy? Because uhhhh, sorry, that's what it feels like!

Then Steve uses the stone to go back in time, reunites with Peggy, etc. etc. finale.

It's truly some crazy shit.

[drags hands down face]

Look... there's a lot to unpack here, and there's a lot that gets me about it. I know this is dramatized for the stage! I KNOW! But the fact that Old Man Steve shows up to convince Steve he should go back in time makes me want to gnaw on furniture.

Another person essentially uses the lure of a life with Peggy to tempt Steve into doing this, dramatized or not. That is how it's framed.

It's a hell of a way to frame it, and it makes Steve's ending stand in even starker contrast to so many other things in phase 4. Desperately trying to go backwards when you shouldn't or to bring back a lost lover is an evil temptation, and it results in a trap or negative cosmic consequences for basically all of the other characters in the MCU.

• In Shang-Chi, Wenwu is tempted by the Soul Eaters beyond the Dark Gate. They use the voice of his deceased wife to convince him to set them free. • In "What If" episode 4, Doctor Strange becomes evil in a desperate bid to save Christine and he destroys his universe. Along the way, he tries to tempt/trap the good Strange who's fighting him by using visions of Christine, but good Strange knows she isn't real. • Wanda's grief and desire to bring back Vision leads to – well, you know. • In No Way Home, Peter trying to undo things is what causes the multiverse problems.

And the fact that they frame it as Steve being tired, so basically the argument is he deserves that time travel ending (just like MCU fans who defend Endgame say in real life)... Well.

There's no way to make it hold up, especially because in "What If" they explicitly subverted that and had Captain Carter not go back in time despite how she felt she'd "earned" it.

Lastly, in this musical as Steve decides to pursue time travel as his course of action, he basically has the meaning or memory of "end of the line" rewritten for him. I refuse to not think that is some nefarious shit. Yes, it's not out of the realm of possibility that it's just some general Disney erasing Steve and Bucky nonsense.

But... this is on another level to me. I do think that it's a blatant choice that they had to be aware even general MCU fans would call bullshit on. Everyone knows it's inaccurate. "End of the line" is embedded in pop culture consciousness as being connected to Bucky. It just is! Surely that means it's not a stretch to theorize it could be deliberate meta commentary.

How, in the MCU world, would the in-universe playwrights even know the phrase "end of the line"? How the fuck would it be accidentally applied to Steve and Peggy? Not to sound like a crazy person, but who the fuck was rooting around in Steve and/or Bucky's personal business or their brains in order to obtain that knowledge and then remix it, and why? Neither of them would flippantly mention it in the public eye or interviews ever. So where did its inclusion come from?

And in the finale ensemble, this is Bucky's line when he comes out on stage and salutes + points to Steve: "Don't forget who's waiting..." And Old Man Steve completes it with "...at the end of the line."

What on God's green earth am I meant to do with THAT?

Smh.

The vibes are fucked, folks.

The MCU public wouldn't know enough to say the vibes are fucked. The MCU public wouldn't know the origin of "end of the line" as a phrase. But us? The ones who know the "true story" via the movies? We can call bullshit.

Whether the creative team behind this musical did every aspect of this consciously or not, in my opinion the fact that they had to tweak canon "history" to A) make Peggy's involvement in Steve's life more central and B) emphasize Steve as a tired hero all works as commentary on and almost a condemnation of Endgame's frustrating ending. In a way, it's also what Endgame did with the compass and 1973 moment with Peggy as well.

Steve's ending had to be convincing.

It's theater.

And so, maybe the same is true for the in-narrative perspective of this musical in the context of the MCU world. What purpose would it serve to tell the MCU public a feel-good narrative about how all Steve Rogers wanted was to no longer be a tragic man out of time and get to make a life with his best girl? To frame it as being about how he fought so hard for years and so he earned a happy ending? To minimize and nearly erase Bucky's importance in his life?

Who would want to do that sort of propaganda, and why?

The MCU civilians are given this happy explanation and maybe don't widely question it. Who cares about the details or logistics if it makes a good story, I guess. It's a stretch, but maybe they mostly applaud it. Maybe they're happy for "America's favorite son" (not unlike people who uncritically liked Endgame). In a way, it's even a rehabilitation of his image (after the Accords) like putting the shield on the Statue of Liberty. And maybe they'd even be ready and waiting to applaud if Steve ever made a dramatically selfless and de-aged return to the spotlight or a position of authority.

But mostly, the public is being conditioned to not know or to forget that anyone else like Bucky Barnes or Sam Wilson would possibly know Steve Rogers the person well enough in the modern day to call bullshit on any of this – or on his hypothetical miraculous future return.

So. Sure, it's probably nothing.

But what if it's not?

-------

UPDATE: @faeriecap added to this post with some incredible information and further behind-the-scenes context about the MCU/Marvel stuff at Disney parks! Check it out here :)

[1000sunnygo]

The Three Captain's Interview (2021) Part 2: Mayumi Tanaka as Luffy & Namikawa Daisuke as Kidd - Translated

The ask I received got deleted, I'm sorry! 😩

I've decided not to half-ass it, here's the remaining part of the interview with Namikawa san and Mayumi san's answers.

👒 : Tanaka Mayumi (Luffy)

🌷 : Namikawa Daisuke (Captain Kidd)

+ Kamiya Hiroshi as Law (already translated, check here)

-

Q. How did you feel when you got the role?

👒: I was mostly indifferent, as the work (the manga) itself was unknown to me back then. In retrospect, I think it was for the best. I mean, if you know it's a deeply beloved work, you'd feel greedy, won't you? That's why I passed the audition without feeling nervous. Looking back now, maybe it matched Luffy's freedom.

🌷: I remember vividly. Among the eleven rookies with more than 100 million bounty, Kidd's was the highest. I had a clear image of the voice that would express Kidd's powerful appearance, but I couldn't imagine myself playing the role of Kidd. So, I didn't know how to do the voice. I kept thinking about it while recording. I still have a hard time doing Kidd's voice, but it was even harder back then than it is now.

-

Q. Did you have any specific thoughts or feelings while playing in One Piece?

👒: In One Piece, there is the unshakable pillar called 'Eiichiro Oda' , but it's not enough to rely on him. I want people to think, "Wow, One Piece really is amazing" when - including myself, all the individual creators' imagination, music, scenarios, and everything else come together! We'd like to continue to create moments in anime that surpass the original manga.

🌷: Many One piece fans would say it's "fire" when expressing their opinions. Thinking about what makes them feel fired up, I can clearly see it in the scripts. The lines of a good scene are spread over several cuts. I feel that the timing; or rather, the process of speech delivery is given a high importance. So, in pursuit of an impact on the audience, when the scripts says "haah?" I myself try to stretch it with "HA~aah??" - to make everyone feel even more fired up.

[T/N: The Japanese word used was "hot", while "fire" expresses a different type of feeling, I think it works as a closer substitute.]

-

Q. Impression of the character you're currently playing?

👒: Someone who accepts his weakness, says "I can't" when he can't do something and then relies on his friends, and never wavers from the freedom of doing so.

🌷: He's surprisingly kind and considerate of his crew mates. He'd often say "Let's go!" and bring along some of them, but that's not because he's afraid. I interpret it as saying, "I'll protect y'all no matter what, so let's enjoy the thrill of going ahead together!"

-

Q. Thoughts on Mayumi Tanaka's Luffy?

🌷: Unwavering...isn't he? The story moves on, but the same old Luffy is always there. Regardless of the state you're in while watching anime, you can always relax and enjoy One piece. I think this is where Mayumi san's Luffy comes off as an undisputed champion. It's quite difficult to keep things the same for decades, so I have deep respect for it.

-

Q. Thoughts on Daisuke Namikawa's Kidd and Hiroshi Kamiya's Law?

👒: Some voice actors separate their personal lives from work, but those two are as transparent as I am! It doesn't have to do with their roles, but that makes it comfortable to work with them, so I enjoy it a lot.

🌷: Law looks cool, but he has his passionate sides; he has the calm aura, but he also becomes emotional. You need to incorporate a variety of elements to express those subtle ups and down in a Law-like manner, so I think it's an incredibly difficult role. That's why I think Kamiya kun puts a lot of thoughts and efforts in his performance.

That said, I can't help but feel a storm of jealousy regarding their rankings in the worldwide popularity poll (laughs). Law was in top 5, and Kid was 23rd. Even though they don't have the same screentime frequency, they were introduced at the same time, yet the difference was so big... Like, I understand Law's charm, but it was frustrating!

-

Q. Do you think it's possible to win against Kaidou?

👒: Of course, it's possible. But the absolute winner has to be Tesshô Genda (Kaido's voice actor). I don't think I can compete with that deep voice.. Well, I'd win though (laughs)

🌷: I want to believe that Kidd wouldn't lose his heart over his defeats. He doesn't intend to be beaten by anyone.

(T/N: Fun fact, Mayumi Tanaka doesn't read the manga. She only learns the manga's events when she reads her script. Sanji's actor Hiroaki Hirata does the same, and he admitted that he doesn't know much of the parts of story where sanji is absent.)

[crackers4jenn]

Okay, now that it's the next day and my brain isn't just a swirling hormone cyclone of horny Looney Tunes noises I wanted to recap Misha's live show a little more thoroughly for my own memories, since you couldn't take photos or record.

*

I went with a friend who's only experience of the spn fandom is via me trauma dumping on her about it. She's seen some of the show, post-Nov 5th, but she didn't develop any sort of attachment or, you know, "mild liking" to it at all. She gave up several seasons in and declared her life all the better for it. Fair! An appropriate response, actually.

But because of this, she didn't really have an idea of what to expect from the show. Same here - I mean, I figured there was going to be a comedic element to it - but that was as specific as my understanding got. I've been watching spn con panels online for years and years, though, so I knew going in what Misha's on stage humor was like, what sort of jokes he'd probably tell. She went in blind, and she did have a fun time, but her first takeaway after was "that was.... interesting." 😂

Okay, so first of all! The venue was separate from the con, we got there a little before 7 when they were supposed to open the doors, with the show starting at 7:30. Instead, we got let in late, but most people seemed pretty chill about it. I will say, waiting in line wasn't my fave. It was very loud, we were right by the bar, there was music playing, everyone was using their Outside Voices. With my voice so hoarse, I could barely talk with my friend without her first going "What????" so I definitely wasn't making pals with anyone around. But I did overhear quite a few people who had shown up solo who were finding other people to talk to. So if you're going to a future show by yourself and you're worried about feeling anxious or awkward or lonely, don't! The fandom is friendly, they'll make you comfortable. Even with my standoff-looking ass being so quiet, people were still complimenting my hair (up in space buns) and socks (strawberries) and being generally really nice.

The first part of Misha's show was a little clunky. He came out, uttered the words "enormous cock" about his newborn self, and it took some time for him to find his pace. But after about, I don't know, ten minutes, he seemed less awkward and more comfortable being up there stared at by so many people.

He talked about his mom dressing him as a girl when he was young; painting his nails, growing his hair long, putting him in tights. How this meant that, as a child, he thought he was going to grow up to be a woman. He also talked about how this meant he was a bit of a freak in his blue collar North Eastern hometown, and he got beat up because of it.

He mentioned his mom's activism, in ways that both positively and negatively impacted him. There were quite a few tales of close calls with drugs, of a childhood sleeping in tents, of being poor, of moving constantly, of being encouraged to not live by societal rules. When he talked about his mom, there was always a lot of fondness, and at the end of the show, he was straight up tearing up reading a newspaper article about her.

He talked about getting a boner in his first sex scene, when he had a role on 24. His partner in the scene wrote "hi, Misha" on her pasties and that apparently did it for him. This story was obviously rife with "my dick is so big" jokes.

He also talked about sneaking into a Hollywood Oscar's party v. early on in his career (as in, before he had one) and mingling with the likes of Jude Law (who, of course, was at a urinal next to him admiring his enormous cock) and Brad Pitt, and Chloe Sevigny giving him her number.

He talked about his kids a bunch. His divorce was turned into a punchline or two. (But never directed at his ex-wife 💖) He brought up his new girlfriend, so I had to sit there and endure the "I bought a sex toy for my long distance lady that she mistook for a birthday present for her kid" story, which!!! I knew was coming, that's something I had heard about from previous shows. And lemme say: uncomfortable to read those words, even MORE uncomfortable to listen to him admit it aloud in front of an audience that was half cringing, half cackling.

There were a couple points where he forgot where he was going with the story he was telling, or where he kind of just spaced out, or he played up the awkwardness. And it was all very charming! He's just a charismatic guy, he's got a great stage presence. The event was like a one-man stage production slash autobiographical comedy show, and somehow him oscillating between poignant sincerity and dick humor really worked. Probably because of the aforementioned charisma. And also that he's smoking hot. I mean!! I went paragraphs upon paragraphs without saying it, so I feel I'm allowed one objectifying "awoooooga" at the end here.

Anyway, I mentioned that my friend's initial reaction to the show was "interesting" but she enjoyed herself too and laughed in shocked delight way more than she doubled over in secondhand embarrassment, so, win!!

Personally, I had a great time. I've been to a few spn conventions before and I don't really enjoy the "dance, puppet, dance!" atmosphere that sometimes happens, or how parasocial it feels, but even when Misha took off his overshirt early on and flashed some skin, no one really hooted and hollered. He did label us his therapists early on, though, so maybe we were all respecting our professional boundaries.

In conclusion: 10/10, would do it again!

[thatgirl4815]

Sand & Perspective

So Sand finally gets the attention this episode, and it's demonstrated a lot of things: namely, that as much as he has brushed it off, he is down bad for Ray. Like really bad. Honestly, he's down even worse than I thought.

A lot of this is evident in his narration, a device which has been used quite skillfully up to this point (I'm usually pretty wary of narration in shows, but I think it suits the general tone of OF and its large cast of characters). It's also exposed something I didn't think too much about before this episode--Sand and Ray's relationship has been consistently filtered through Ray's perspective. We've witnessed Sand's lingering looks and blushes, but with the exception of a few scenes, we've always been right alongside Ray.

"I gotta work for everything I want."

So what do we learn about Sand? He's a caretaker by nature--we knew that already--but we come to understand the root of this trait in his upbringing; he was forced to grow up fast as a result of being raised in a single-parent household. He's managed to get his mother out of her debts in the past. From this, and Sand's ability to earn money from multiple jobs, we can gather that Sand is both pragmatic and determined. Though his lifestyle seems lonely and monotonous, there's no indication that he necessarily feels that way about it; rather, he sees it as the "way things are."

Again, this seems to be the marker of a person who has grown up paving his own way, not expecting others to give him anything for free. (This also explains why he was so uncomfortable with Ray throwing money at him in Ep 4.)

I find Sand's dreams interesting as well. We know he idolizes musicians, but when Ray asks him if he wants to become a famous musician himself one day, he instead describes going to music festivals. To me, this indicates that Sand might not be interested in achieving his own stardom so much as he wants to be part of a collective. It's the thrill of enjoying music with others that attracts him, and I don't think it's any coincidence that we see him doing that very thing with Ray twice prior to this discussion (once at the record store in Ep4, and once at the concert in Ep5). It's illustrating how Ray plays a part in Sand's interests, bringing the two of them closer in the process.

"Ray's Extra Hour"

Sand falls hard and fast, and a large part of this can be attributed to his obligations as a caretaker. He's motivated to help others and offer support, because that's just who he is. Still, the fact that he's willing to carve out an extra hour in his day for Ray is very telling of just how deeply he feels for Ray already. It all brings me back to the first sign of feelings Sand demonstrates in Ep1:

Sand sees Ray as someone in need of help, and I suspect that role will only become more prominent as he continues to unveil just how broken Ray is by his past.

"I've always thought Ray is my 25th hour, my extra hour. But the truth is everyone has the same 24 hours in a day.

I see these lines as Sand coming back to reality. There is no actual "25th hour"; it's a piece of time he's invented to categorize the part of his life he's now devoted to Ray. Sand is pragmatic, but he's allowed himself to live in what he thinks is a fantasy; a fabrication.

"And within Ray's 24 hours, I'm not a part of it. I'm not that special."

As several others have pointed out, Sand's language here mirrors Ray's last episode. Sand wants to be cherished by Ray the way Ray wants to be cherished by Mew. Will we see Sand resort to his old routine, pushing Ray away the way he tried to once before? Will we witness Sand recommitting himself to his dream, narrowing in on his goals and isolating himself from Ray in the process (to protect his own feelings)? I predict we will see some of that, but Sand will ultimately run back to Ray at the first sign of distress. Because like or not, he cares about Ray, even if Ray doesn't put him first. His feelings won't just disappear overnight.

[fritz-federleicht]

hey! i really love your slipknot fics/headcanons and i was wondering if i could get some headcanons for mick, joey and paul of what they’d be like dating a girl that’s in a band similar to babymetal? like very cutesy but also kinda brutal. no worries if you don’t want to! <3

... with a girlfriend who is sweet but also 'brutal' (Joey, Paul, Mick & Corey)

Notes: I've added Corey because I love this man so much it's unbelievable

Words: 947

-------------------------------------------------

JOEY:

- he often accompanies you to video shoots

- when you go to him styled he always compliments you

- "Wow you look like an angel." You wear a short white dress, similar to a wedding dress

- while you stand in front of a wall with your band's logo emblazoned on it, Joey sits down on a chair with your name on it

- the music starts playing, you walk slowly to the microphone, you look at the ground

- only when your cue comes, you look directly into the camera and go from singing to yelling

- Joey nods his head to the beat of the music, his face contorted in appreciation

- After the scene is over Joey comes up to you with his arms outstretched, "That sounded wonderful doll." He kisses the top of your head

- "Thanks." You mumble against his shoulder

- after the video shoot your band has a fan meeting

- you wear a sweater from your merch

- people line up to take pictures with you, talk to you or ask for your autograph

- of course you are as nice as possible to everyone

- you say goodbye to a fan and turn around to greet a new fan, but in front of you is Joey

- "Hello beautiful lady, may I ask for a selfie?" He asks you with a grin

- "Of course beautiful man." Joey stands next to you and raises his phone in front of him

- "Smile." You smile and press a kiss to his cheek

- Joey blushes. He looks at the photo he snapped. "Cute." He says and says goodbye to you with a kiss. "See ya later."

PAUL:

- he loves this contrast between your innocent looks and your brutal music

- at every gig you wear a different outfit (for example a short skirt with a crop top), he loves every one of them

- when you start screaming into the mic, Paul can't help but adore you

- he stands at the side of the stage, hearts in his eyes and tells everyone that you're a couple

- when the concert is over you go to him, he greets you with a kiss and assures you with a smile that you have an angel voice, which you laugh at

- after you have changed your clothes you make your way to your hotel room

- once there you lie cuddled together in bed

- "I'm amazed every time how someone so cute can be so scary at the same time."

- you smile at him, "It's just like you, you're also sweet and at the same time in a scary band."

- he replied, "You're also really gorgeous.... I just love your brutal side."

- he smiles at you mischievously and winks at you

- you punch him on the arm, "I can show this side more often."

- "Oh yes please." He replies. You just shake your head

MICK:

- you want to leave the house to go to rehearsals

- before you can open the door a big shadow falls on you

- you turn around with a crooked grin

- in front of you rises your friend Mick, he looks down at you

- "Aren't you going to say goodbye to me my cute little monster?" You grin at this nickname

- you cross your arms behind your back, "Nope."

- he asks you again, "Are you sure?"

- you nod innocently

- Mick pulls you to him by your waist and kisses you desirously

- you break away from him, "I gotta go now. See you later." You kiss him goodbye and leave the house

- "Be careful... oh forget it, if you yell at the attackers they will run away anyway."

- you turn to him once more, "Everyone shows his true face sometime. Love you." "Love you too."

COREY:

- he thinks it's great that you sing in a metal band

- 100% you will release several songs together

- at the beginning you were reluctant, you didn't want to record a song with Corey, you know that many people don't take your band seriously because most of them think that metal singers have to look bad, not like cute girls who can't hurt a fly

- Corey is of a different opinion and has persuaded you to go into the studio with him

- of course Corey knows that you can scream really good, nevertheless he stood there with open mouth and admired you

- he can't believe what a wonderful girlfriend he has, beautiful and still badass

- Corey never misses a chance to tell you how happy he is with you

- when the song is released, the cover is designed by you (it has two black roses on it, both of your names jagged and squiggled over it so it's almost unreadable)

- you both hear the finished song for the first time

- "I love you so much baby." "I love you too." Both of your voices can be heard. After that Corey starts to shout, you join in shortly after.

- Corey is excited, you are too, but you still have some doubts

- Corey tries to convince you and reads out a comment from a fan:

"This song is so fucking good. I never thought that these two voices would harmonize so well. And in the beginning the declaration of love and the cut to Corey who suddenly starts screaming. More of those two, please."

- Corey grins at you, "See I told you. People love women who look cute but are dangerous at the same time." He winks at you.

- "Don't say that babe. I'm nice to everyone." You bat your eyelashes exaggeratedly and smile

- "That's cute." Corey strokes your head, pulls you close and kisses you, smiling

[btr-rewatch]

Big Time Rush Season 1, Episode 2: “Big Time Crib”

It's nice to be in the "real" series now! I thought I was going to be stuck reviewing episode one forever.

Highlights: Shenanigans abound, Bandana Man makes his first appearance, and the guys get an apartment makeover.

We begin at the Palm Woods pool, where the guys have just returned from an exhausting day of rehearsals. Before they can get any time to relax, they're kicked out on account of a dog food commercial being filmed there. Several of the commercial's crew members pick up the boys and deposit them into the Palm Woods lobby.

I happened to pause the episode here to write that above paragraph and had to screenshot it. I'd mentioned in the previous post how I remember there being a clear pairing of Kendall & Logan and then James & Carlos, and whaddya know? There it is again. Also, I like Kendall and Logan's matching poses.

Since it's after 9pm, Bitters kicks them out of the lobby, leaving the boys no choice but to retreat to their ugly apartment. I totally forgot that 2J looked terrible in the beginning!

Also, the theme song! It's been so long since I've seen this opening theme song. So fun. Really brings back memories of my dad walking into the room and going, "This silly show again?"

YES, DAD.

The boys are upset that they're stuck in a dump while other residents get much nicer accommodations. Bitters attempts to point out all the positives of their apartment, but it doesn't sway the guys. Moments after Bitters leaves, a pipe bursts, and Carlos responds to it in a way only Carlos can.

This brings back another vague memory of the times my dad would sometimes sit and watch BTR with me and ask, "What's wrong with him?" whenever Carlos did, like...anything, lol.

The guys need a better place to live, and they get a glimpse of that possibility the following day at Rocque Records when they see a drawing of an apartment set that's going to be used in an upcoming promotional video. Griffin wants each of them interviewed for it.

James thinks they should all wear bandanas. This is another thing I'd forgotten about; James had a bandana obsession. I do remember Bandana Man!

The reaction on their faces to James's suggestion is great.

Not gonna happen, James. Keep dreaming.

After the meeting, the guys get right to scheming on how to get the set built in their apartment instead. Well, it's mostly Kendall doing the scheming. Logan thinks it's never going to work, James thinks bandanas will somehow solve their problems, and Carlos is just along for the ride.

They end up recruiting Camille to help with their plan, and she instructs the builders of the set to bring it to the Palm Woods instead. Logan impersonates Griffin (against his will) and then voices his displeasure at this whole entire plan. He does not want to get into trouble. But, like...shouldn't he be used to it? This is what you sign up for when you decide to be friends with Kendall, James, and Carlos.

We hear the "Logie" nickname for the first time in this episode!

Logan points out that a major problem with their plan is that Mrs. Knight is certainly going to take notice of a bunch of people in the apartment from 11-3. We cut immediately to Mrs. Knight informing the boys that she's going to be out job-hunting the following day from 11-3. Cue Kendall throwing Logan this look:

Logan, don't you know by now that things always end up working out for Kendall?

The guys end up getting the interviews moved to the Palm Woods pool and proceed to split up in order to tackle the remaining tasks. And I must say that one of my favorite moments is when Kelly goes to check on how the set is coming and we get that little scene of Carlos and Katie in the studio just making construction sounds.

This is one of those scenes that's lived rent-free in my head for 13 years for some reason. I've forgotten so much about this show, but Carlos sitting there running the power tools and hammering that pile of wood boards earned a reserved place in my brain. I don't know why. But it's a scene that has popped into my thoughts every so often over the years.

Meanwhile, at James's interview...

This show is peak comedy.

Lots of shenanigans happen from here, and for a moment, it looks like the plan is going to fall apart. James Bandana Man saves the day by locking Bitters in a supply closet that, for some reason, has a very simple latch lock on the outside??

This makes absolutely zero sense. For what reason would you choose this type of lock for a supply closet? Literally anyone can open it?? This is serving no purpose.

Anyway! The guys get their super cool new crib installed, they film their music video, and Gustavo has the crew immediately take the set apart and revert the apartment back to its previous state. Sadness once again reigns supreme in 2J.

Their video and interviews are a success, but Gustavo still needs his dogs to face consequences for all their sneakiness. He has them practice harmonies for ten hours with no breaks, which sounds illegal to me?? The boys are only 16, right? Idk, this feels like it's violating some kind of law. Needless to say, they're all tired and bummed when they arrive home. That is, until they see that their apartment has been transformed back!

Gustavo explains that it's a "bone" being thrown to them but not to expect any more. Kelly notes that Gustavo likes the boys but he insists that he does not. Yeah, right. Gustavo loves his dogs.

And that's where the episode ends. It's an enjoyable one for sure—lots of funny moments. Totally different feel to "Big Time Audition" though, and I'm already mourning the loss of Original Kendall. He was still scheming and manipulative in this, but it was in a purely goofy way. There was none of that "fire" that we saw several times in BTA. No edge. First Episode Kendall had an edge. Why has the edge been smoothed away by EPISODE 2?? Does it come back in some spots during the series? I can't remember. I still love him, though.

ok, the end.

[disgruntledkittenface]

annual* writing self evaluation

thank you @kingsofeverything and @nouies for tagging me!

1. List of works published this year:

I Choose You

when we're finished saying nothing

count me in

too into you

routine surveillance

you wanna be on top?

Suddenly Last Summer

if i'm being honest

it's a holidate

Red

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

Suddenly Last Summer. I let myself let go and have fun and write exactly what I wanted, and I love the way it turned out.

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

I hate this questionnnn

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

I love this bit from Red, the fic I wrote for @crinkle-eyed-boo birthday:

When Harry turns his head to bite Louis’ earlobe, Louis buries his face in Harry’s hair, breathing him in. He detects a faint whiff of smoke, and frowns.

“Did you smoke?”

Harry presses his face into Louis’ neck, nodding. 

“Oh, no,” Louis says, rubbing a soothing hand over Harry’s bare back. “I know you hate to smoke without me.”

Louis barely hears the whisper as Harry says, “I’m sorry,” since he doesn’t bother to lift his lips from Louis’ skin. But then Harry says it again, louder, following it with a kiss against Louis’ neck. And then again, over and over, leaving apologies and kisses against Louis’ skin like he wants them to stay, as permanent as the ink of their tattoos. Louis sags against the wall, trusting Harry to hold his weight, as the relief finally hits him. Harry hates apologizing, even when he knows he’s wrong. And Louis can’t even remember who was wrong, and more than that, he doesn’t care. He just wants Harry back. He doesn’t need Harry to beg, and it feels like that’s exactly what he’s doing right now. 

“Baby,” Louis says at last. “Stop, stop it. I’m sorry.”

A tear slips down Louis’ neck, and he wrinkles his brow in confusion. He hasn’t cried in several minutes, a record for him today, if not every day since the breakup. But then a sob wracks Harry’s body, his grip tightening on Louis as his shoulders shake. 

“Oh, baby,” Louis says, petting Harry’s hair. “No, baby, I’m sorry. Please don’t cry.”

“I just missed you,” Harry chokes out. When he draws back, it’s Louis’ turn to smooth away his tears. “I missed you so fucking much, Lou.”

“I missed you, too,” Louis says, resting his forehead against Harry’s. “We’ve never been this stupid before, have we?”

5. Share or describe a favorite review you received:

I really loved getting both @kingsofeverything and @allwaswell16 reactions to Suddenly Last Summer! Lauren theorized via voice note and I was glued to my email while Anitra commented as she read, and it all just felt really good!

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

I'm not going to lie, writing was not that hard this year. I think I was just picking things I really wanted to write for myself. And it was a good coping mechanism when things were hard in my personal life. But honestly, it kind of feels like dumb luck because I've definitely had my share of writing block.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

I don't know where the itch to write dark Harry in routine surveillance came from!! That took me by surprise, and I loved doing it.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

I think just by writing for myself. I always wish I had different stats on my fics, but I can't write with trying to please people in mind.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

I don't know! Keep writing for myself and being the weirdo who likes to do lots of different things.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

I am fortunate to have a lot of support!! This year, I really noticed the lovely comments I was getting from @nouies <3

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

Yes! Just about everything that the cat does in if i'm being honest has been done by one of my new cats. It's my love letter to them.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

I don't think I have much new wisdom. I always say pay attention to the writing advice that works for you, and ignore the rest. I think telling a story and making people feel something matters more than the technique, but I also say that as someone who has spent a lot of time on technique so don't listen to me if you don't want to!

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

I want to write a girl direction When Harry Met Sally AU and make it VERY GAY and I'm excited about it!!

14. Tag three writers whose answers you’d like to read. ;)

@neondiamond @homosociallyyours @absoloutenonsense

*All answers should be about works published in 2023

[orangeflavoryawp]

20 questions for fic writers

Ohhhh, haven't done one of these in a while. Thanks for the tag @esther-dot <3

How many works do you have on Ao3?

On Ao3? 91 But add to that, older fics on ffnet and other independent sites (oh Rolo Realm, my beloved), I think it's 102.

2. What's your total Ao3 word count?

1,020,258

3. What fandoms do you write for?

Game of Thrones/ASOIAF, Mass Effect, Dragon Age, Naruto, X-Men, Star Trek, Record of Lodoss War, Sailor Moon, Harry Potter and several unpublished ones

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

Almost all Jonsa, lol. - From Instep to Heel - A Violence Done Most Kindly - Wool and Tallow - Shepard Sees the Sky - Hallowed

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Always, but it takes me time. I used to be very secluded, still am sometimes, and it took me effort to reply to comments and build relationships and community. I don't want to lose that. It's also important to me that readers understand how meaningful even a single comment is. So yeah, every comment, I try.

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Alright, so there's a lot of contenders for this one. I'm not even gonna try to list them off.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Probably either Interlocking or What Grows in Winter? I don't write a lot of 'happy' endings, I would say. Mostly I write endings that have either hope or closure, and that can come in a multitude of emotions, but those two fics are probably the most light-hearted of my works so I'm going with that.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

Sure, but honestly, not nearly as much as I expected. I've never really gotten someone trying to get into an argument with me. It's really just those one-line trolls that mass comment on a fic out of nowhere with stuff like 'Die parasite' or whatever.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I do! I can actually say that now, lol. It's semi-recent for me, I guess. Considering how long I've been writing, at least. At the moment it's just het smut, but who knows what the future will bring!

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

Nope. Dislike crossovers, actually.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Several, actually.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, and I don't plan to. Don't think it would work well.

14. What's your all time favorite ship?

I honestly can't answer this. Like... honestly. But the two couples I've spent the most time actively writing for would be Jon/Sansa (Game of Thrones/ASOIAF) and Storm/Wolverine.(X-Men), so there's that.

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

It'd be between Rocks and Shoals and Sheparding Men, but I'm more hopeful that I'd return to Rocks and Shoals. Both are Mass Effect fic.

16. What are your writing strengths?

Characterization and emotive language.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Setting and exposition, for sure. Also, paring down a scene, lol.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I've thrown in a commonly known phrase or two, but I don't like it being used regularly. There's too much variance on how to show translation in fic, and I find it often breaks the pace of the piece trying to do so, anyway.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Oh geez, thinking back, probably Xena? Though that was unpublished. First published fandom would be X-Men.

20. Favorite fic you've written?

Damn, that's hard. But I'm probably going to have to go with Reckoned from One Midnight to the Next for the way it changed my writing style going forward. Perhaps the most formative of my pieces. Close runner up would be A Violence Done Most Kindly though, since it's also pretty formative for me in how I tackle plot now, and I'm really proud of the intricacies in that one.

This was pretty fun! Tagging for those interested @theoriginalsuki @jonsaslove @amymel86 @barbex @hawkeykirsah @vorchagirl @razerathane @tlcinbflo @foofyschmoofer @goddesstiera @joufancyhuh @sailorshadzter

[sunskate]

Tessa & Scott episode 3: very eventful episode - Scott and his anger and the "mood of the day." - which, oof, there's so much to unpack about this. Tessa and Kate go to Hall and Oates. Scott and Chiddy go go-cart racing and talk. dinner with Weapo. the costume fitting. Scott hurts his back just before Skate Canada

Scott and Cassandra: S: how are you doing when i'm away, besides devastated C: i mean it's hard, i miss you, i just tell myself 5 more months S: right.

S: i find i'm a lot more anxious. do you notice that? C: i don't know. am i supposed to? (smiling, maybe she's joking? but kind of an odd thing to say to that😅) S: i get like this in an Olympic year. i just get grouchy C: i don't find you to be grouchy S: well that's sweet of you

S: like the stress is starting. starting to turn from excitement into stress. you know, i've been pumped about it for a while. now it's starting to get real C: right.

the more i watch, the more i notice where the show is creating (or maybe manufacturing) a narrative - like this scene was made for him to talk about his stress and his moods. but it also inadvertently shows they might not be on the same page. the next 5 months and the Olympics are a huge deal for him, but she's kinda saying she's waiting for them to be over. like, sure she's looking forward to seeing him more, but it feels out of touch to say i'm just telling myself wait it out and we'll have more us time. when leaving competitive skating is a huge life change and loss he'll be dealing with after Sochi

establishing shot of Scott arriving at the rink - clearly holding stuff in his hands, then empty handed in the next shot. like this is nbd, but once you start noticing how much they're cutting stuff together in a way that didn't happen, it's easier to step outside the narrative and question what we're being told by the producers

like this scene - maybe he did walk away without responding, but it would be more effective to see in the same shot if he did ignore her. instead, they cut away to a shot of his back where his head is facing the opposite direction from her. if they had a clear reaction of him blowing her off, they could have stayed with the wide shot. pretty sure that reaction shot was from a different moment

he comes off like such an ass on this show, and they also cut Tessa's footage and her talking heads to make her seem like a doormat who's mostly just taking it when he's being rude. but there are several clues coming up that she doesn't just take it. i have so many questions for VM that the producers just leave there

T: sometimes when Scott gets anxious, he can just get ... short. (then different audio quality, so recorded at a different time!) but i try my best not to let it get to me - she reads this 2nd part like voiceover, if you notice

the scene with their coach Johnny Johns (about 5 min in) when they're working on a lift took me several times through to realize the show wants us to think Scott's being a jerk:

Johnny: curve lift - i wanna see how it feels if you lift her forwards - just see if it's any easier, idk if it's gonna be or not (then they show them doing a RoLi instead, so the audio and video don't belong together 💀) S: (loudly but not yelling- i think he's just got a loud voice) i hate it! Johnny: okay Johnny: that's a half a turn, and she's in position S: yeah, that's a full turn (Tessa huffs a laugh, cut to a shot of Johnny rolling his eyes - just from how the show edits stuff, i don't trust that reaction shot is really from that moment) (a few overlapping words i can't catch) S: we're not quite there yet Johnny: i think the mission is to get this thing turning faster than hell (cut to a shot of the RoLi) i like that, what's the problem with that (cut to a shot of Scott shrugging - again, is that really his reaction, or just edited that way) Tessa (VO): Scott's always set the tone for the mood of the day, and i can feel how tense he is. the Olympics are 5 months away. we're feeling emotionally, physically really exhausted. the next 5 months will be stressful

the thing is, Scott seems focused and direct and stressed but not particularly rude in this scene. it's hard to know without seeing the whole sequence if he was being a jerk, but it doesn't really look like it? if he's moody and difficult, they sometimes say it more than show it

and her saying Scott's always set the tone for the mood of the day - again, this is voiceover, so it may be scripted - it's become the prevailing narrative about them pre-comeback, that he's a pain, and she did all this emotional labor balancing him. VM have talked about it elsewhere, so there's some truth to it. but there are hints that there's more going on from her - that she's not just passive, and that it's more complicated. the show isn't told in a way that always feels reliable. so it makes me question what the producers are feeding us

tbc -

[perverse-idyll]

Fic Stats Tag Game

Rules: Give us the links to your fic with the most hits, second most kudos, third most comments, fourth most bookmarks, fifth most words, and fic with the least words.

Thank you @danpuff-ao3 and @likelightinglass for tagging me! I've got an hour to relax, and this is just about my speed at the moment: something fun but not demanding. (One hour, my arse. It took me three days!) Who else would enjoy doing this? @ac1d6urn, @ripeteeth, @squibstress, @yletylyf?

Most Hits

The White Road, Snarry, 48K. I knew the answer to this one without having to check. TWR is my most popular fic by every metric and the one most Snarry readers know me by, not to mention it's old enough now to be a high school sophomore (or possibly an A level student). I'm happy I somehow managed to pull off a nonlinear fic, plus I was so, so in love with the Snarry ship and all its possibilities, and I think that shines through. I let myself explore Lily's character and responded in fic to the way Snape's story ended; gave Lily and Severus one last chance to face some hard truths; and - well, no need to flog it, there are just a lot of scenes in this fic that make me clutch my heart to this day. And I let myself be a bit romantic about my OTP! With a happy ending and everything! (Okay, I'm always romantic about Snarry, but you can't always tell that from my fics.)

If you have any desire to hear me natter on with more Writerly Thoughts about this fic, I recorded an interview with ChaosBlue over here: Fanfic Maverick episode 25

Second Most Kudos

Soft Touch, Snarry, ~15K. This was a sleeper hit. I never expected it to be popular, and it's not a fic people love, exactly. But the combination of mindfucky unethical massage kink plus character study brought readers to the yard - although, really, I doubt it has much to do with the "character study" part. I'm going to cheat here and borrow a bookmarker's comment to describe it: "Very sensual almost eerily so. Actually somehow slightly creepy at times yet very seductive at others. A weird read." I like how they can't seem to make up their mind! Because, yeah, IMO the appeal lies in that uncomfortable overlap between sensuality and creepiness, and the touch-starved atmosphere that hangs over it all.

Third Most Comments

The Afterlight, Snarry, WIP, currently at 46K. This is one of three melodramatic and, yes, romantic Snarry WIPs on my plate - ridiculous amounts of whump and/or emotional turmoil, plus a triple whammy of overwrought happy endings (but only after I put them through hell). Apparently after the last 10 years of Life Shite, my fannish desires are all about shameless self-indulgence now. This one has a serial killer subplot that's giving me conniptions, but I'm in love with the ending so I need the fic to get all the way there. It also ponders, in a "one dark thread running through the whole work" sense, what it means to die and come back, and I'll just say that Snape experienced death very differently than Harry did. I suspect this fic has as many comments as it does because readers were kindly encouraging me to continue after years of me not posting very much. I'm currently finishing up a Snape/McGonagall fic, but The Afterlight is next on the menu. Fourth Most Bookmarks

Warm, Snarry, ~11K. Hah! My PWP made the list! It's also a character study of Snape and Harry with an established couple dynamic, but come on, those bookmarks aren't about the settled kind of domestic bliss. They're more about the "naked by the fireside fucking each other's brains out" bliss. I wrote this fic for a prompt and to help me scrape the rust off my creative wheels after several years of writer's block. In doing so, I found that porn without plot doesn't come naturally to me. Or established relationship, either. Where's the angst? I muttered constantly to myself about the paucity of sexy anatomical slang and the problems with pacing a fairly drama-free fic. (Solution? Don't write 10K words of PWP when 3K words will do.)

Fifth Most Words

The Blood of Stars, Snarry, WIP, ~44K. This is the fic that started my journey into the melodramatic & romantic combo, but it hasn't been updated since 2014 (aka The Worst Year of My Life). However, it's alive! I've picked it up again and have been scribbling and revising scenes in between working on three other fics. This was also the start of my So What If It's Messy and Imperfect phase, which is a challenge as a perfectionist but a necessity in my current circumstances if I presume to have delusions of ever finishing anything ever again. It's a challenge in another sense, too, since I committed myself to writing Harry's section in first-person POV, just to see if I can. (The jury's still out on that.) It's also got book-ended sections written in third-person Snape (an obscure and hard-to-master dialect)(kidding), and I'm not terribly confident writing from his POV, either. But the fic's got one of those can't-stay-away-from-each-other plots (I love these), and Harry being unfaithful to Ginny (yes, I know, don't send the OOC police after me). It's full of emotional flailing and obsession and beloved characters behaving badly and Snape coming to a tragic end - but wait! There's also Love after Death and Snape having meltdowns and in the end sort of getting everything he ever wanted. In case it isn't obvious, I am wallowing like a pig in mud. I love this fic. 🥰

Fic with the Least Words

Truce, Doctor Who, Twelve/Clara, a classic drabble of 100 words. This won't make sense to anyone who hasn't seen their series arc and the last encounter between them. It's a drop in the bucket of my undying love for them, but alas, my fealty has already been pledged to my endless Snapely WIPs. But Twelve and Clara deserve so much more than I'm able to give them.

[mermaidsirennikita]

ARC REVIEW: The Wedding Witch by Erin Sterling

4.5/5. Releases 10/8/24.

vibes: "are we friends or have we always wanted to bone (the second one)", TIME TRAVEL!!!, sexy hilarity punctuated with emotional gutpunches, and Lite Christmas (Yule)

Heat Index: 6.5/10.

The Basics:

Powerful but reclusive witch Bowen Penhallow hires the chaotic human Tamsyn Bligh to be his personal magical-item-finder... for reasons that may have a lot to do with redemption. After months of a slowly-building working relationship that becomes genuine friendship (albeit with a lot of sexual tension) the two accidentally end up at the same wedding. Tamsyn is out to steal a million-dollar find for a mystery item. Bowen... is coming face to face with the darkest part of his past. But when a witch accidentally sends the two of them back to the 1950s, they're stuck trying to right what went wrong long ago--otherwise, they just might be trapped there (or worse) forever.

The Review:

I've really enjoyed Sterling's previous books about, you know, witches, kissing, a good bit of romcom-ery. But as soon as I learned that there was a Penhallow brother who looked like a craggy werewolf, I was like "THAT ONE". And God, his book did not disappoint. Easily my favorite of the series, The Wedding Witch takes us to a different place both physically and emotionally, while at the same time maintaining the things I loved about the previous books--a lot of humor, a lot of chemistry, and the friction two people who really wanna fuck but don't want to confront their feelings.

And the magic is kicked up a good bit, too. The series has always been pretty paranormal. Like, this isn't Immortals After Dark, but it's also far from Bewitched. You have ghosts, curses, some actual factual spookiness. Here, we go to another level with a grief-stricken witch throwing Bowen and Tamsyn to a different decade... and I fucking loved the way the time travel was done.

Like, instead of getting up its own ass about How Time Travel Works, this novel goes full camp in the best way. Oh my gosh, that's that old lady we saw at wedding, but she's a YOUNG LADY now. That's the crazy father of the bride as a little, crazy boy! Those are my grandparents? Young and hot and bickering at each other?

Which is really one of my favorite things about the novel. Bowen and Tamsyn are actually thrown back to shortly before his grandparents' wedding... and they've just broken up. So it's a PARENT TRAP SITUATION. Or rather, a GRANDPARENT TRAP SITUATION. Bowen and Tamsyn (apparently) need to get his grandparents back together before the solstice! Aaaaah!!!!

Like, it gives hard Christmas movie in a lot of ways, even though the holiday is less Christmas and more Yule. For the record, though--I can be a little iffy on consuming Christmas content this far ahead of the holiday, but honestly? While there are some Christmas-y moments, the sense is more... Christmas media than Christmas, if that makes sense. I mean, I've definitely seen my fair share of time travel Christmas romcoms.

And in many ways, this was my IDEAL Christmas time travel romcom. Because first off... this is a fuckton hotter. Like. The Wedding Witch doesn't end on a chaste kiss. There are several sex scenes, and each one fully goes for it. (It's never a bad thing when the hero is all "I'm worried that I won't be gentle enough for you" and the heroine is like "PROMISE?"). The sexual tension between these two is heavy from their first meeting, and while I do think this one could fall under friends to lovers... Were they ever really friends? Did they ever see each other in a truly friendly way? Or were they just slow-motion falling in love the whole time?

While by no means is this a heavy book, there is also a kind of emotional resonance that you won't find in most Hallmark Christmas movies. I was really fucking sad about The Thing driving Bowen (and his guilt). There's one aspect of the plot here that's really bittersweet--not in any way that directly affects our romance, don't worry, this is very much an HEA, but in a way that injected some seriousness. I kind of wanted everyone to get everything they wanted in the end, but by withholding that indulgence, Sterling ensured the book hit harder.

I don't know if she'll write in this world again, but if she doesn't, she went out on a high note and didn't tie every single thing up with a little bow, which I appreciate. But to be clear: this is, overall, a very funny, adventurous book. You have a snarky teenager who actually isn't annoying, the horror of realizing your grandparents were hot and also had a fiery sex life (Elspeth and Harri were QUITE the secondary couple, and I loved every bit of pagetime they got), and some truly classic tropes. (Only one bed, sexy bathtime, very MUCH opposites-attract shenanigans.)

I read 80% of this in one sitting, and that's kind of hard for me to do at the moment. But it was just so fun! And I really wanted to see what happened next the entire time. Which is when you know a book is really good, right?

The Sex:

Like I said, you get several sex scenes, and while there's one other thing I would've liked to see on the page (it happens, it's just not directly on the page), what we do get is so good. Like. It gets hot up in this romcom. Tamsyn fantasizes a lot about Bowen before they get together, and she lets him know exactly what she does when she fantasizes (in total darkness... with him becoming QUITE responsive). There's some mirror action. There's some tree action. Look, you'll be happy with this shit.

It's always great when a book not only lives up to your expectation but surpasses them. Full of whimsy and heat and FEELINGS, The Wedding Witch is one to catch!

Thanks to NetGalley and Avon for providing me with a copy of this book. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

[use-your-telescope]

When Everything's Made to be Broken - Chapter 12: Shiny Celebrity Skin

Summary: Theo makes her celebrity debut, with some unexpected results.

Author's Notes: Okay, I grappled with this one for a while - I tried for so long to figure out how to make a certain plot thread work without a certain celebrity appearing at least once or twice, and well… I couldn’t do it. So, uh, I feel weird doing this, but there is a brief interaction with a  fictionalized(!!!) version of Taylor Swift. This is almost guaranteed to be the only chapter where she actually appears in a scene - there are a few mentions of things happening “off-screen” that she’s a part of later on in the story, but it’s not anything that would involve her actively appearing in a scene.

Obviously I do not know her, I do not own her likeness, and I absolutely do not own her music (I’m team Taylor’s version - WE DO NOT LISTEN TO STOLEN MUSIC IN THIS HOUSEHOLD!). And more obviously, Theo is a fictional character who did not help record any of Taylor’s music. And to make it painfully clear, Taylor is not a villain or a hero in this story, and this isn’t meant to be a commentary on her as a person in any way, shape, or form. 

And look, I know some people are not a fan of Taylor. If you’re in that camp, don’t worry! The interaction is brief, and it’s not meant to make you change your mind. Just hang tight - I *promise* this will be worth it in the long run. 

If you enjoy, please reblog!! I'm a lil' blog and reblogs really help me out <3

Content Warnings: alcohol consumption. Discussions of hooking up. 

Word Count: 5,644

Read on AO3 | When Everything's Made to be Broken Masterlist

Song: Celebrity Status - Marianas Trench

I look around, round, look around and look it over, I take it up- up, take it out and, take you nowhere, Trading in who I've been for shiny celebrity skin I like to push it and, push it until my luck is over It never stop stops, never stops, well you better, Think it over prima donna you don't want to sever, All the work to impress, charming girls out of their dresses, And smiling pretty, well pretty will swallow you forever

The celebrity status that came with being an Avenger was exhausting.

Between their public relations team micromanaging every interaction with the press and the constant appearances, it was a wonder there was enough time to actually go on missions. Even if Theo was well-versed in interacting with people in positions of power and putting on a show, it wasn’t how she really wanted to spend her days off.

They had been on a roll - last week, Theo did interviews and cover shoots for two different magazines. The day before, she recorded a 73 questions video for Vogue. In a week, she would fly out to Chicago and feature on Hot Ones.

But before she flew to Illinois, she had a late show appearance to get through. 

It wasn’t until after she arrived and they had a meeting with the production team to run through the order of the show that Theo discovered she was not simply doing a live interview, but she would also be chatting with Chris Anders, an A-list actor who was promoting his newest movie in which he played a combat medic. 

Normally Theo wasn’t thrown off by meeting other celebrities, but even she had to admit she was a bit starstruck. He always looked dreamy in pictures, but in real life he was gorgeous. Like, earth-shatteringly stunning. Bright blue eyes, blond hair, and tanned skin made him the epitome of an all-American guy; if Steve ever traded in his shield for an acting career, he’d probably look like Chris. Theo didn’t typically have a thing for blond guys, and frankly the resemblance to Steve Rogers should have made him appear less attractive, but well… There was something about him that she couldn’t quite put her finger on. 

At least Theo knew she was dressed to kill. The outfit she chose was a far cry from her scrubs: a black cropped tee with a cropped lace bustier underneath paired with an asymmetric leather midi skirt, all Alexander McQueen, and black Louboutin pumps. The confidence boost that came from looking like a badass was much needed, because even Avengers could get nervous when talking to attractive celebrities, particularly when those Avengers were single. 

In real life, Chris was every bit as funny and charming as he seemed. He laughed at Theo’s jokes and asked questions that made Theo wonder if he had taken the time before the taping to learn more about the sorceress. On camera, the conversation was effortless, lighthearted, and just a bit flirtatious; far from what Theo was used to, but it was fun. Chris was a hit with the audience, but it’d be hard not to be with a smile like his.

So when Chris stopped by Theo’s dressing room after taping and asked for her phone number, she was only slightly surprised. Surprised, because well, A-List Hollywood dreamboat who could have anyone he wanted, and he was asking Theo for her number? Theo, with scars on her face and knobby knees and perpetual bags under her eyes? But not as surprised as she could have been, because the conversation was fun and besides, giving him her number didn’t mean there was any commitment. For all she knew, he simply wanted to keep her number handy in case he was cast as a doctor in the future and needed to ask someone about how to approach the role. 

Of course she gave it to him - that was a no-brainer. Not long after, Theo found her heart fluttering when Chris texted her before she even made it back to the tower, asking if she would be attending the Stark Industries charity gala the following evening. 

After such a successful day, there was an extra spring in Theo’s step when she entered the living room. She nearly didn’t notice Loki, lounging with his feet propped up on the sofa and a book in hand, but when she approached one of the chairs so she could sit down and kick off her heels she spotted the prince.  

Loki glanced up from his book, offering Theo a weary smile and nod; if the bags under his eyes were any indication, he hadn’t been sleeping much lately. 

“You’ve returned from your interview; how was it?” 

“It was fine,” Theo shrugged, ducking down to tug off her high heels. “I mean, it’s one thing to give an interview, but they also asked me to do a segment with Chris Anders - the Chris Anders.”

“Ah, yes - if memory serves, he is a well-known actor.” Loki absentmindedly replied, closing his book and setting it aside. “I take it you are a fan of his work?”

“It’s impossible not to be a fan - he's been in just about every major film from the last few years.’ Theo lightly scoffed at Loki’s apathy about the situation. “We watched one of his movies the other day.” 

“Did we?”

Before Theo could answer, Wanda, Sam, and Bucky strolled into the living room, deeply entrenched in a spirited debate.

“— his performance is so nuanced - a video game could never capture that level of emotion!” Wanda huffed, crossing her arms in front of her chest as both Sam and Bucky rolled their eyes. 

“Nuance, Schmuance—“ Bucky retorted, “—the whole point of the game is to shoot aliens! The story didn’t need emotions - all it needed were more aliens!”

“Are the three of you still arguing about your animated game?” Loki interrupted them with an exasperated sigh, massaging one temple with his index finger. “I thought the debate had been settled after viewing the film.”

“Well it was,” Wanda replied, “until they tried to say that the actor playing Tom was probably an asshole. But he couldn’t be - he seems way too nice!”

“Remind me, Maximoff - which actor are you fawning over now?” Loki begrudgingly asked, as if he dreaded the answer.

“—Chris Anders.” Theo rolled her eyes, though she softened the gesture with a smile. “He’s probably the most popular actor in Hollywood right now.” 

At that, Loki perked up rather suspiciously. “The one you met today?” 

“Oh my god, that’s right—“ Wanda exclaimed, turning to Theo. “— You were on the late show with him! How was it? Is he nice in real life?”

“I think it went well?” Theo answered. “I had just finished telling Loki that I ended up filming a segment with Chris and didn’t bomb it, so I’ll call that a win.” 

Loki nodded, flashing Theo a small, timid smile. “Well, I’m certain you charmed the actor just as you’ve charmed the rest of us.” 

“Wait, wait, wait - you not only met Chris, but you interviewed with him?!” Wanda nearly squealed, her mouth agape as she processed the news. “I would have died!”

“You know he’s just a guy, right?” Bucky grumbled, looking wholly unimpressed with Wanda’s fangirling.

“Look, I’ll settle for not putting my foot in my mouth on national television.” Theo chuckled, before coyly adding: “Chris may have asked for my phone number though... And he already texted me to ask if he would see me at tomorrow’s gala.” 

In a tale of two reactions, Wanda looked like she was about to spontaneously combust from the shock and excitement, while Loki looked like someone just told him the sky was blue.

Then there were Sam and Bucky’s reactions in-between, which involved whooping and wolf whistles.

“It seems as though he was rather enchanted by you, then.” Loki cocked an eyebrow, jade eyes narrowing slightly as he studied Theo. “You certainly dressed to impress.”

The comment had some sort of undercurrent that, combined with his piercing stare, made the words seem as if they were not meant to be taken as a compliment. Theo’s heart went from fluttering to stuttering in her chest, her confidence faltering as if she were about to be knocked down from a pedestal.

“Is it too much?” Theo asked a bit too quickly for her own liking; she grimaced as she glanced down at her outfit. 

“No, not at all.” Loki slowly shook his head, tongue darting out to lick his lips. If Theo didn’t know better, she would have sworn his eyes darkened as they roved up and down her body. “It’s different from your typical attire, but pleasantly so. You look… ravishing.”

“Yeah, you look hot.” Sam agreed, elbowing Bucky in the chest as he smirked at him. “She looks hot, right Bucky?”

“Yeah, doll —“ Bucky smirked, “— You keep it up and you’re gonna end up with every guy in this city dreaming about all the things they’d like to do with you.” Despite speaking to Theo, Bucky’s attention and smirk were pointed directly towards Loki. 

Theo’s cheeks flared with heat - partly from Sam and Bucky laying it on thick, though mostly she was relieved that Loki was not criticizing the look. 

When his approval started to matter, Theo wasn’t sure, but she also hadn’t given it much thought. Then again, the prospect of Loki not liking her outfit stung more than the idea of her potential date not being into her outfit… If she was honest, Theo was nowhere near ready to try and make sense of that.

“You can’t leave us hanging - what did you tell him!?” Wanda, having regained her composure, asked the inevitable question. 

“That I was going to be there and a drink sounded nice?” For a moment, Theo wondered if Wanda was going to freak out again. Instead, a smile crept up on Wanda’s face, and Theo could tell something was up. “… Wanda, what are you planning?”

“Well if you’re meeting a movie star for a drink tomorrow, we should probably go shopping so you have something cute to wear…” Wanda perked up, winking at Theo. “Oh! We’ll get Nat to come too - she needs a break from the mat anyways -  and make it a girl’s day!”

Before Theo could point out that she already had a dress, Wanda rushed down the hall shouting for Natasha. Theo glanced at the others — Sam wore a shit-eating grin, while Bucky offered no sympathy. Loki just shrugged, though a glint of amusement reflected in his smile. 

Meanwhile, Theo tried not to scream what the hell did I just get myself into? 

Either way, it didn’t matter - she had a date to get ready for.

When the mirrors and the lights and the smoke clear I’d never guess how we ever could’ve gotten here You can say what you say, when the lights go down So shake, shake, shake and shut your mouth

“Champagne?” A waiter came around with a tray of champagne flutes, offering them to guests throughout the event.

“Yes, thank you.” Chris took two glasses, handing one to Theo and keeping the other for himself.

Across from her, Chris Anders leaned up against a cocktail table. Dressed in a navy slim-fit tuxedo, Chris looked every part of the charming A-List actor that Wanda hyped him up to be. The same charming, boyish grin from the night before was on full display as he drank in the sight of Theo in a black lace gown with beading that glistened and shimmered in the low lights. 

Even if she hadn’t been trying to charm an A-List actor, Theo would have felt like a million bucks. The dress, though more suggestive than what she initially picked, hit her in all the right places and really helped her embrace her more feminine side. The stilettos she wore gave her a precious few inches that made her less likely to feel like everyone towered over her, increasing her confidence.

In some ways, it felt like revisiting her first night in the tower, but this time she knew what to expect. The lack of constant scrutiny from Avengefs and reporters may have also helped. Then again, at the end of the day it turned out that charming people and rubbing elbows with the rich and powerful was pretty much the same, regardless of the realm. 

The idea of spending the evening at Chris’s side was both nerve-wracking and exciting. Theo’s consistent presence and conversation was enough to capture the interest of people she didn’t know, allowing Theo to flex her conversational skills and build her own connections, which in turn made the room full of socialites less surreal. 

Chris was more than easy on the eyes. He said all the right things to pique Theo’s interest. He didn’t ask too many questions, which was certainly a plus, and he easily kept the conversation flowing. With that in mind, Theo wasn’t opposed to cozying up a bit more with him. 

Yet, something in her stomach felt… off.

Maybe it had to do with the non-existent privacy at the event. Wanda, Sam, and Bucky had made a game of lurking nearby, spying on her as the actor talked Theo’s ear off about the film he just finished shooting. Focusing on Chris proved to be a challenge when her friends seemed hellbent on reminding Theo that someone was always watching. They weren’t even subtle about it – all Theo had to do was glance over Chris’s shoulder to see the three of them making kissy faces at her. 

Theo started to wonder if her teammates were going to walk up to Chris and start talking about their movie versus video game debate. She prayed they wouldn’t.

Then again, her friends were far from the only people who kept a close eye on the couple. Frankly, Theo hadn’t truly comprehended just how well-known Chris was until they spent the first two hours of the night constantly interrupted by people trying to get even a moment of the actor’s attention. Even Loki had been observing, though he was far more subtle than her other friends - subtle enough that Theo never noticed that she was the consistent focus of the younger Asgardian’s attention. 

The sensation of everyone watching her was incredibly different from the bars from her first night out with her teammates, when it was easy to fly under the radar. Between being seen with Chris, her rapidly growing social media following, and the recent interview spree, Theo certainly had no shortage of positive attention over the last few weeks.

Chris caught the attention of someone from behind Theo, gesturing for them to come over and join the pair. “Theo, I want you to meet–”

“I was wondering when I would run into you!” Even though it had been years, Theo recognized that voice anywhere. 

Then again, the fact that the voice belonged to the one person at the gala more famous than Chris meant that even if Theo hadn’t known her, she would have recognized the voice. “It’s been ages!”

“Taylor!” Theo spun around, arms already open to greet the popstar in an embrace. “How the hell are you?” In some ways, it was like Taylor hadn’t changed a bit since they worked together: the trademark red lip that highlighted a cheshire grin, long, blonde hair with perfectly disheveled blunt bangs, and an outfit that would undoubtedly sell out the moment pictures were posted online. At the same time, all it took was one close look into her crystal blue eyes to see that she was far different from the Taylor that Theo worked with all those years ago. 

“I’m great,” Taylor leaned back, still half-embracing Theo as she took in Theo’s appearance. “Tell me about you - Clearly you’ve been busy since we last crossed paths!”

“Oh you know, I finished med school. Joined the Avengers. Nothing too wild–”

“--You two know each other?” Chris interrupted the reunion, one brow arched in confusion while he wore a half-scowl as he quickly realized that this was not the introduction he anticipated.

“Oh yeah, Theo played on Red – we go way back,” Taylor answered, barely paying Chris any mind before returning her full attention to Theo. “Speaking of, you’ve heard I’m re-recording my first six albums, right? Would you be willing to re-record your parts on Red?”

The question caught Theo off guard, though in some ways, the request made sense; after all, the goal was to make the re-recordings sound like the originals so whenever someone wanted to license a song, they would have no reason to choose the old recording over the new one. 

But Theo’s parts on the original record were pretty small, all things considered. And up until Theo stepped into the limelight as an Avenger, it would have been much easier to find someone else to record those parts than it would have been to track her down. Besides, Avengers were busy, and so were international pop stars - Theo would have understood if Taylor didn’t want to bother trying to coordinate schedules so they could record together.

“I– uh, yeah – as long as the timing works out, I’m in,” Theo tried to play off her surprise, covering it up with a (hopefully) bright smile. “Just let me know when and where I need to be and I’ll do my best to make it happen!” 

“Perfect.” Before Taylor could say anything else, someone waved Taylor over to join them. She held up a finger, mouthing “just a moment” before returning her attention back to Theo. “Hey, we should grab a drink soon and catch up. Clearly you’ve been busy and I want to hear all about it, ideally when I’m not being dragged around to make appearances.” Taylor winked, taking hold of Theo’s shoulder as she leaned in and whispered in Theo’s ear. “I might have a separate proposition for you, as well…But we’ll save that conversation for another day.” She leaned back, smirked, and cocked an eyebrow at Theo. 

“You know where to find me,” Theo reminded her, returning a wry grin and a wink of her own. It was probably for the best that they didn’t go into catching up at that particular moment, since there was plenty to discuss and in front of Theo’s date was not the best place to do so.  

With that, Taylor waved at another person trying to get her attention and slipped away into the crowd.

“I wasn’t aware you already knew Taylor Swift.” Chris remarked, his attention still focused on the space where Taylor had vanished into the crowd.

“I’m full of surprises, what can I say?” Theo teased, taking a sip of her drink. 

“Well, I look forward to being surprised by you in the future.” There was something about the way Chris spoke that seemed a bit too smooth, too practiced. 

Then again, he was an actor. Performance was at the core of his work, and like Theo he probably reverted to his own acting skills in social situations, especially when he wanted to seem confident. And trying to impress someone on a date was certainly one of the times any sane person would want to feel confident.

“Hey, let’s go dance,” Theo suggested, gliding her fingers down Chris’s arm and taking his hand. As if a switch flipped, the dazzling grin returned as Chris gestured towards Theo to lead the way. Weaving between the couples on the dance floor, Theo waited until they were in the middle of the group before she turned back to Chris, who held his arms in a silent invitation to dance.

“You look stunning this evening,” Chris complimented, pulling Theo close as they moved to the music. “I’m lucky to have such radiant company.” 

Theo’s cheeks burned as she replied with a shy smile. Sure, she trusted her friends’ judgment about what to wear, but that wasn’t what left her flushed at his remarks. He was new, and the intensity of his gaze felt both intoxicating and dizzying amidst the crowd. When Theo looked closely, she spotted a hunger in Chris’s eyes that left her wanting more.

The night flew by. One moment, they were spinning and laughing among the crowd; the next, the DJ announced to guests that it was the last song of the evening. Whether they were ready or not, it was time for the festivities to draw to a close.

The end of the evening did little to dampen the conversation between Theo and Chris as they followed the crowd out the door; if anything, they both slowed down as they approached the exit, stretching out their time together for as long as possible.

Just after they passed through the exit, Chris took Theo’s hand and pulled her aside.

“Do you want to get out of here?” Chris whispered in her ear; his breath tickled, sending a delicious chill down Theo’s spine. “Go back to my place?” 

Behind Chris, Bucky smirked at Theo and Wanda gave her a thumbs up; if Chris hadn’t been watching her so closely, she would have rolled her eyes at the pair. Inevitably, they wouldn’t be the only people who noticed; after all, a plethora of eyes followed them all evening. 

A yes sprung to Theo’s tongue, but just before she said it out loud, she stopped. Realistically, Chris was a stranger to her - sure, she knew the basics about him — the kinds of things someone usually knew about a celebrity — but she didn’t know enough about him to comfortably let her guard down. Being a high profile celebrity was different from being an Avenger. 

For all she knew, he wanted to use her for something; after all, fame wasn’t all people made it out to be. Besides, people frequently sought after Theo’s magic. 

Restraint was best in the situation.

“I appreciate the invite, but I have to work in the hospital tomorrow morning,” Theo covered, her tone light and casual, but quiet enough that any eavesdroppers wouldn’t hear. “This was fun though - I’d love to go out with you again!”

Out of the corner of Theo’s eye, Loki slipped out of the party with dark eyes and a devilish grin. Trailing close behind, hand linked in his, was a woman who had to be a supermodel, based on her absolutely flawless figure, perfectly tanned complexion, and perfectly styled outfit. 

A pang of jealousy unexpectedly shot through Theo at the sight.

“Of course.” Chris immediately masked the split second of surprise on his  face with a polite, albeit benign smile. “It’s probably just as well, because I have to fly back to California tomorrow morning.”

Despite the rejection, Chris bid Theo goodbye with a kiss on the cheek, which certainly was a surprise. After all, she just turned him down; the last thing she expected was for him to be so… affectionate?

Once Chris disappeared from view, Theo took advantage of her familiarity with the tower’s layout to take a quieter route to her suite. quickly slipped away through a back hall The second she was out of sight from prying eyes, Theo let out a breath she didn’t even realize she was holding. 

While Theo waited for the elevator, she couldn’t help but play the evening over in her mind. Chris was charming, handsome, and there was nothing wrong with him — why was she so hesitant? And what was up with her reaction to Loki?

Of course the silvertongue would be able to woo and bring home anyone he wanted without having to think twice about it. Maybe that was the cause of her jealousy — Loki didn’t have to overthink every interaction like she did. 

Shaking her head, Theo dispelled the thoughts of Loki hooking up with some random person; it wasn’t her business what or who he did in his spare time. 

Which brought Theo’s attention back to Chris. Her hesitancy around him didn’t seem like it was just because she didn’t know him very well; something else lurked underneath that she couldn’t quite put her finger on. But as she thought about it, the only reason she came up with was that everything about Chris just seemed too perfect.

In the end, it wouldn’t matter; playing the role of an Avenger was supposed to be nothing more than a means to an end. At most, it would be temporary. Theo needed to remember that.

I wonder why, why, I wonder why, why I oughta, Let you wreck, resurrect whatever you want to I can't depend, in the end you know I thought you were my friend Just stop, just stop, just stop I think I got it Sorry you, sorry me, sorry every in between, Sorry everybody here will never be somebody clean There's a piece of me they're throwing back at us, And they will buy you and sell you for celebrity status

Despite the knowledge that it was smart to not bring a guy home after the first date, Theo woke the next morning and immediately wondered if she played it too safe.  Chris was friendly, charming, good looking, and didn’t act weird about her being an Avenger - how often would she encounter guys like that? Probably never, but Theo essentially turned Chris down. As Theo laid in bed and stared at the ceiling, she debated whether she should reach out to Chris or not. 

On one hand, he made her laugh; on the other hand, they wouldn’t see each other often with conflicting schedules. He was hot, but probably had fans who would hate on Theo for dating him. He was used to the spotlight, but dating an Avenger might put his safety at risk. They had a lot of common interests, but they hadn’t talked about any serious topics - what if he secretly believed in some kind of cult? He was an accomplished actor, but Theo couldn’t promise to be there for awards shows because monsters and criminals don’t believe in days off. 

Ugh, she did not miss dating.

After mentally making the pro-con lists in her head for the third time, she decided to hold off. If she texted him too soon, she might seem clingy; besides, even if he was perfectly nice and charming and fun to be around, that feeling of something being off still lingered.

Theo rolled onto her side and snatched her phone from her nightstand to check the time, only to find a message waiting for her.

“Had a great time last night - want to grab a drink next time I’m in town? - C”

Though pleasantly surprised, Theo held off on replying. If nothing else, she needed some coffee and to wake up more before deciding on how to respond. Outside her window, the sunrise covered the skyline in a golden glow – it seemed like it was as good of a time as any to head up to the roof and enjoy her morning coffee.

Stillness permeated the tower as Theo made her way to the kitchen. With the incredibly early hour and the event that took place last night, she fully expected to be the first person awake. However, a full pot of freshly brewed coffee indicated that someone else claimed the title of first person awake. Theo wasn’t going to complain - that meant all she had to do was find her favorite mug and fill it up before enjoying some peace and quiet outdoors.

Upon arriving on the roof, Theo discovered just who woke up before her: Loki. He sat on one of the sectionals with his back to her. Loose black curls tumbled past his shoulders, swaying slightly in the cool morning breeze.

“Great minds think alike.” Theo greeted him, taking a seat on one of the other sectionals.

Loki simply hummed in acknowledgement of her greeting before returning his gaze off into the distance.

For once, Loki didn’t have a book with him. Hands wrapped around his own coffee, he sat back in his seat, soaking up the relative peace of the morning. Like the morning on the balcony, the silence held no weight, no pressure to force conversation or entertain the other. In the city that never sleeps, something about early mornings - those moments between where one day ended and the next began - felt almost sacred. Speaking, it seemed, might ruin that. 

Amidst the stillness, Theo caught herself studying Loki’s facial features, contrasting the difference from when he slept to how he appeared in the soft morning light.

Of course, there were things that Theo noticed before – Loki’s sharp bone structure certainly topped that list. But that morning, she couldn’t help but notice new things: the hints of worry lines that crossed his forehead, the crease from furrowed brows (an expression which she imagined he’d perfected at this point, along with the eye roll), the way his lips pulled across his teeth when he was close to smiling, but wasn’t quite ready to commit.

Theo knew Loki, besides being Aesir in form, was technically a frost giant and a god, but Loki looked shockingly human as he relaxed on the rooftop. Even in his Aesir form, Loki often looked more divine than mortal. But here… Some was different here. He seemed softer, less guarded. Perhaps it was the way his shoulders relaxed, or the way he stretched out in the morning glow. 

“How was your evening?” Loki struck up a conversation, taking a sip of coffee.

“It was good,” Theo smiled, looking out across the roof. “How was your night?” 

“It was alright…” Loki trailed off, glancing briefly at Theo before returning his gaze to the skyline. “You were certainly the center of attention last night.”

“Me, or the A-List actor that I spent the night with?” Theo’s attention returned to the god sitting next to her.

Loki chuckled, and Theo caught herself appreciating the way his eyes crinkled at the corners. “I suppose both would be a fair answer. He was rather attractive, I must admit. If I had been in your position, I certainly would have brought him back to my quarters for the evening.”

Theo let out a gentle laugh, biting her lip. Yes, Chris was good looking, and he certainly piqued her curiosity… but she couldn’t shake the feeling in her gut that something just wasn’t right. 

“Are you going to see him again?” Loki finally turned to focus on Theo. His sea-glass eyes held her gaze with surprising openness. A hint of sadness colored his words; it was subtle enough that Theo couldn’t quite place what sounded off about his question. 

“Why, do you want to hit him up if I don’t?” Theo teased, offering Loki a wink. “I wouldn’t blame you.”

Loki gave her a wry smile, shaking his head. “Simple curiosity.” 

“He asked if I wanted to get a drink next time I’m in town…” Theo shrugged, finding herself less enthusiastic about the idea than she was when she first awoke. “I haven’t given an answer one way or the other yet. It was hard to really get to know him with so many people vying for his attention, so it would be nice to do something that wasn’t so… public? Then again, if we ended up dating, I doubt I would ever get any privacy again, so there’s that…”

Loki let out a breathless laugh. “Privacy is already in short supply when one is an Avenger.”

Nodding in agreement, Theo took another slow drink of her coffee.

“That’s true, but at least I can set boundaries and choose what I share with the world,” she pointed out, “I can shape the way people see me, how they see my role as an Avenger.”

“That is what we do in some ways, isn’t it?” Loki mused, his brows drawing together in thought. “Play roles?”

“All the world’s a stage and all the men and women are merely players…” Theo took a big swig of coffee, relishing the bitter taste that coated her tongue. “… Or some shit like that.”

Loki doubled over from laughter, eyes wide as he nearly spit out his coffee from surprise. It took a moment to return to his more composed self before he sarcastically replied: “Yes, or some shit like that.” 

The way he mocked her wording brought a grin to Theo’s lips. “Okay, but think about it — how much of our lives are spent playing roles? How often do we get to be ourselves without altering our behaviors because of others’ opinions? Even putting on a brave face or being diplomatic is playing a role.”

Loki pursed his lips, studying Theo carefully.

“How much time do you spend playing roles?” Even if the question wasn’t out of left field, it still felt much more serious than the conversation up to that point.

“More than I’d like,” Theo admitted, glancing down at her cup and swirling her coffee around. “But it has saved my ass enough times that I will never hesitate to do it if I think it will help me.” 

Theo bit the inside of her cheek, cursing herself for saying too much. The answer would probably come back to bite her in the ass, most likely in the form of Loki asking her a million follow up questions. 

Note to self: more coffee before any early morning personal conversations. 

“I suppose we have that in common, then.”

Much to Theo’s surprise, Loki left it at that, and returned his attention to the city around them. While Loki was known to be cunning, Theo got the sense that at its core, Loki’s answer was not rooted in cunning or manipulation, but survival.

And Theo understood that all too well.

Step one, step two, step three, repeat And I pray at the church of asses in the seats To disappear behind the beat…