#i've only had this song for a couple hours but if anything happened to it i would kill everyone and then myself. that's the energy here

[lanadelnegan]

Wildest Dreams

Jeffrey Dean Morgan x Reader

Song inspo: Wildest Dreams by Taylor Swift

Summary: Y/n's celebrity crush, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, makes her dreams come true when she meets him at a bar after the walking dead comic con.

Warnings: NSFW, 18+, *Jeffrey is single*, plot, smut, sexual tension, cursing, sex, oral, daddy-kink

This is my first attempt at fanfiction ever, ahhh! Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it!

This can't be happening right now. I can't believe he's actually right there. I'm about to touch him.

"Well hello there." Jeffrey's smile widens as I approach his open arms. "What's your name, darlin'?"

"Y/n...Hi" I smile and let him wrap his arms around me.

"That is a beautiful name, y/n. You ready?"

"Yeah, but can we pose a different way though.. maybe looking at each other?" I ask, hoping he can't hear the nervousness in my voice.

"Absolutely, doll." He turns his body facing mine and gently places his fingers around my jawline, looking directly into my eyes and lifting my chin to meet his gaze. "Relax." His tone is soft but demanding.

The photographer counts to 3 but it feels like 10 because Jeffrey's hazel brown eyes are burning flames into mine. I swear this man is staring into my soul as if he can read every thought I've ever had about him. Including that one, because the left side of his mouth suddenly raises and he lets out a "negan-like" chuckle that only the two of us can hear.

I'm the first one to break away from our embrace and I can feel my cheeks redden as I take another glance at him. I make a mental note to never forget what he looks like in person and let my stare linger a little too long on his chest hair peeking out from his white t-shirt. His smirk grows wider and he leans down, putting his mouth next to my ear. "You... are adorable."

When he leans away, the smell of tobacco, leather, and sweet mint fills my lungs.

Even now as I sit in my car, his scent is burned into my nose and the front of my shirt.. I'll never wash it again. My eyes close and my head falls back against my driver's seat.

The rest of my evening is spent binge watching The Walking Dead -season 7 of course - and ordering too much room service. I should go out. I drove 3 hours to Austin, TX.. by myself, which is a big deal for me. I should at least explore the city while I'm here.

I shower and throw on some jean shorts and a cute top, pretending I'm not bothered by the fact that I just washed any trace of my parasocial boyfriend off of me. At least I have this. I hold the picture we took and study it for the 48th time today.

After google searching "nightlife in Austin", Sixth Street seems to be where it's at, so I head that way and although it's only 7 minutes away from my hotel, it takes me 30 to find parking. I have no clue where exactly I'm going or what I'm doing, but hell - I met Jeffrey Dean Morgan earlier. If I could do that, I could do anything. I apply some lip gloss and tell my anxiety to go fuck itself before climbing out of the car.

Bright neon signs from every building light up the street and I smile to myself at the couples holding hands walking past me. I browse around at my options for drinks - not food - because I destroyed $70 worth of room service earlier - and make out the faint sound of Wildest Dreams by Taylor Swift coming from one of the pubs up ahead as if it's calling my name. "Shakespeare's." the old sign reads, and I know that's the one. I make my way into the mildly crowded pub, find a seat at the end of the bar, and don't waste any time ordering a drink.

I bring up the picture of Jeffrey and me on my phone and study it.. for the 49th time today. I'm lost in my thoughts when a deep voice fills my ear. "Shit. That is one handsome dude." He takes a seat next to me and orders himself a drink while I stare at him wide-eyed and unable to speak. Oh.. my god.

Jeffrey orders his drink and turns his body towards me slightly with that signature grin on his stupidly handsome face. He breaks the silence since my lips seem to be paralyzed at the moment.

"Tell me what you're thinking, y/n." ... he remembered my name.

"I'm thinking that there is no way this is real life right now." I grin and look around, trying to mentally focus on suppressing the redness in my cheeks.

He laughs as the bartender places his drink down. "Want me to pinch you?"

"You can do whatever you want to me." I say under my breath as I sip my drink, surprised by my liquid courage. If he heard me, he ignores it and I internally cringe at myself.

"Cheers, darlin'." We tap our drinks and I throw my head back to finish mine completely. I sense his gaze on me and turn to face him completely. "So.. What are you doing here?"

"What are you doing here?" He fires back.

"Apparently having a drink with my celebrity crush." I laugh and cringe again. I need to stop.

"Crush? Me?" sarcasm drips from his smirk as he sips on his whiskey. "Would have never guessed.. not with the way you were blushing like hell during our picture."

My mouth drops open. "I was not!"

"No? Lemme see then." He nods towards my phone in my lap.

I pause hesitantly before handing him my phone and unlocking it for him. Bad idea. Instead of looking at our picture, he clicks on the camera button and turns it to selfie mode. He raises my phone in front of us and leans into me. I'm caught off guard but quickly lean into him, our faces touching and I smile as cool, calm, and collected as I can be in this moment.

He snaps a couple pictures of us and looks at them. "We are fucking cute as shit." He shows me and I laugh.

He pulls some glasses out of his jacket pocket and slides them on his face while holding my phone. I watch him in awe as he takes it upon himself to browse through my phone. My heart drops when he goes to the home screen and sees himself as my wallpaper with cute little hearts and cherries surrounding him. Fuck.

I wait for his reaction but it doesn't faze him. And if it does, he says nothing. He stares at the screen a little longer then finally glances at me with a smirk before turning his attention back to my phone. His thumb presses the tiktok icon and I watch curiously. He's not seriously about to suggest we make a tiktok together. Ick.

Worse. Instead, he clicks on my favorites and multiple squares of his face pop up - edits of him. I almost reach for my phone, but part of me likes that he sees it. What is wrong with me.

He looks at me and raises his brow. For the first time all night, I don't blush when he looks at me and it seems to amuse him because he chuckles and looks back at my phone. He clicks on one of the edits and watches himself on top of another woman kissing her passionately. I watch it with him unashamedly. Before it ends, he suddenly clicks my screen off and hands me my phone back.

"Why did you save that?" he asks with a serious tone.

"Uh, I jus - I liked it." I shrug.

"You like watching me make love to women?"

I laugh to myself. "Uhhh. Yeah, I guess so."

He pauses and stares at me, this time with a serious expression. "Do you wish it was you?"

My eyes widen and I open my mouth to answer but no words come out.

He stands and puts his jacket on. Oh great, I scared him. Good job y/n.

"Let's go." He throws a $100 on the bar and motions for me to stand up too.

I'm obviously not going to question this man. If he tells me to bark, I'll bark. I almost faint when I feel his big palm firmly placed right above my backside as we're leaving.

We exit the bar with our heads down as we quickly walk to his car. He opens the passenger side and I get in, waiting for him to appear on the other side. Leather, mint, and tobacco fill my lungs and I'm gone once again.

I'm so lost in my head that I don't even notice that he's already in the driver's seat. "Whatcha thinkin' about?"

"Don't ask me that. I don't even know anymore." My answer amuses him and he drives a few blocks away to one of the "rich" hotels. The entire ride over is awkward silence with the exception of Jeffrey blowing puffs of cigarette smoke towards the crack in his window every few moments.

"Y/n." He puts the car in park and turns towards me while flicking his cigarette out the window and rolling it up. "At any point tonight if you want to leave or.. you.. want me to stop, I need you to tell me, okay?"

I look at him and his face is the most serious I've seen it all day.

"Okay." I whisper.

"Come here." Is all he says before I'm leaned towards him over the middle console and so close to his face that our noses are touching. I wait for him to make the move but he doesn't. He looks down at my lips and sighs. "Fuck. I'm not going to kiss you."

I back away a little, feeling embarrassed before he continues explaining. He brings me back closer to him and his hand caresses my cheek. "I need you to understand that tonight is a one time thing, y/n. You.. you can't catch anymore feelings for me than you already have, okay? I'm going to make you feel good, but I'm not going to break your heart in the process."

The smell of his minty cigarette breath tempts me and I have to mentally restrain myself from not crashing into this man's lips. But I just nod instead.

"Good girl." Is all he says before he gets out of the car and comes around to open my door.

The way up to his room is quick and discreet. It's 11pm so we only pass two people on the way up and they didn't seem to recognize him. Even his hotel room is already filled with his signature scent, minus the tobacco.

"Would you like to stay the night with me, y/n?"

"Um, obviously. Are you kidding? ..Yes, I'd love to." I laugh and look around his room.

The lights are off, but the room is bright enough with the city lights shining through the windows. I fall into the bed dramatically on the side closest to the window.

"I'm gonna take a quick shower. Make yourself comfortable, okay?" he grins before closing the bathroom door. I stare back at the closed door and imagine what he looks like getting undressed behind it.

I glance around the large room and notice his phone sitting on the nightstand next to "his side" of the bed. He went through mine.. so it's only fair if I -

I reach over and grab his phone. 042266. I type in his birthdate and the phone locks. I laugh to myself. Too easy, old man.

There's a recent text message from.. my number? I click it and the picture he took of us at the bar pops up. And another one - our picture we took at comic con. He sent them to himself.

I don't want to intrude on his personal business too much, so instead I open his camera and take some goofy selfies. The bathroom door opens while I'm mid tongue out. He stops and stares at me as I slowly set his phone down on the bed. I shrug at him and he shakes his head a little and laughs. He appears in nothing but a white towel wrapped around his waist. I turn my gaze away before I get carried away and my eyes get permanently glued to his torso.

"It's okay, y/n. You can look at me. In fact, I want you to."

I look back at him and don't even bother hiding how hard I'm checking him out now. I observe every hair on his chest and my eyes travel south until I'm imagining what he looks like under the towel. A lucky water drop runs down his flat stomach and disappears and I'm hoping the drool I just felt run down my chin was just my imagination. He walks slowly over to my side of the bed and stands next to me.

"You ready to find out what my cock looks like, y/n?"

If I was drinking water right now, I would have just spit it out all over him. I nod and he drops the towel. His cock springs free and I stare at it in awe. He's about 7-8 inches of thick perfection and I've never seen something so hot in my life. He looks down at himself, a proud smirk playing at the corner of his mouth.

"Tell me one of your fantasies, y/n. We're not doing anything tonight that you haven't already thought about."

"I - well, one of them is.. putting it in my mouth." I look up at him innocently.

"What are you waiting for, then?"

I get up and push him gently for him to sit on the bed, then get on my knees in between his legs. If I weren't still buzzing from the drinks earlier, there is no way I'd have the confidence to do this.

He leans back slightly with his hands on either side of him on the bed and looks down at me through lust filled hazel eyes.

"It's all yours baby." He smiles and tucks his bottom lip under his teeth.

I slowly take him into my mouth, savoring the taste of him - like man and fresh leather soap. I groan around him as I take him further and the growl that escapes his throat encourages me to take him as far in the back of my throat as I can.

"Fuuuck baby." His deep voice strains and I watch as his head fall back with pleasure. I continue steadily sucking him and stroking where my throat won't reach. His moans grow louder with each time he hits the back of my throat.

He suddenly thrusts his hips up slightly, causing me to gag and jolt back a little.

"Goddamn it, y/n. You are not making me cum yet." He hanks my hair back and his cock pops out of my mouth and stands strong against his stomach. It's big and wet and throbbing, and my legs clench together and the sight of him.

I stand up and take my shirt off, then my bra. Then slowly slide my shorts and panties down while facing away from him. A satisfied moan escapes his lips and he wastes no time grabbing me and throwing me on the bed. He positions me until my head is on the bed and my ass in the air before I feel his cock press against my soaked pussy from behind. He rubs himself against my wet slit until I'm whimpering and begging him to put it in me.

"Beg for me, baby." He slaps my ass and the sensation causes me to jump a little.

"Please, Jeffrey. I need you. Please."

"Baby, now I know that's not what you call me in your fantasies, is it?" Another slap to my bare ass makes me yelp.

"Daddy.. please!"

His dark chuckle fills the room and every one of my senses is on fire. His scent, his voice, his dick all surround me until I'm crying and pleading for this man to ruin me. "Please daddy, I need you. Please."

"Sorry, princess. I'm taking my time with you." He flips me over suddenly until I'm laying flat on my back. His knees push mine apart, signaling me to spread open for him until he positions himself above me. He leans over me until our faces are inches apart.

My hands roam over his lean body and scratch his back lightly as his lips travel down my neck. His hard cock slides back and forth between my slit and it feels too good every time it brushes my sensitive clit.

"Goddamn, you are soaking my fucking cock and I haven't even put it inside you yet, baby." he groans and bites my nipple gently before taking it into his mouth and sucking so hard it hurts.

He finally leans up, sitting on his knees, and positions his cock right at my entrance.

"Was I or gentle or rough in your fantasies?" He rubs the head against my clit before sliding it back down. My pussy is weeping for him at this point.

"Rough.. please." I choke out.

"Please.. what?" He growls.

"Please daddy!"

He chuckles. "You want it rough baby?" I nod and a tear runs down my cheek at how bad I need him.

"Be careful what you ask for." In one motion, he enters me fully, causing me to scream out at the sudden sensation. My body feels like it was just completely ripped in half, and I wouldn't want it any other way so I cry out for him to do it again. He smirks before pulling out all the way and ramming himself back in.

He starts thrusting at a steady pace and I concentrate on the way his balls feel slapping against me.

Even more tears fall from my face from the extreme emotions he's making me feel. Horny, desperate, obsessed, in.. love.

Fuck.

"Baby. Why are you crying?" He slows his pace and leans over me, assessing my eyes.

"I - I don't know. I - I just.."

"You want me to stop?" his voice is filled with lust and concern.

"No! .. No, don't stop. I just.."

I love you.

"I want it slower." I lie.

"Y/n.. I know you better than that already." He says gently as he thrusts into me deep and agonizingly slow. His lips brush over my ear. "Tell me, baby." He kisses my neck before grabbing my jaw firmly and looking for answers in my eyes. "Tell me, y/n, or I'm stopping."

I close my eyes and blurt out before I can stop myself. "I - I think I love you."

Jeffrey's expression falls serious and he looks back and forth between my eyes while slowly releasing my jaw. His head drops and his eyes close as if he just got slapped, but he continues fucking me.

"Goddamn it, y/n... I told you.. I told you not to catch feelings."

I just stare at him and cry. "I'm sorry."

He closes his eyes again tightly as if contemplating what he should do next. Before I can say anything else, his lips crash against mine. I kiss him back passionately and his tongue slips into my mouth. He picks up the pace with our kiss and his hips and I moan into his mouth.

"Fuck, baby. What am I gonna do with you?" his breathing grows faster and heavier with mine.

"Jeffrey.. fuck, I'm - I'm."

"Cum for me, baby." He growls and quickens his thrusts again.

I scream out for him and he moans into my neck.

"Jeffrey.. you know what else I fantasize about?" I ask him while trying to catch my breath.

"What's that, baby?" His balls slap against me over and over and over.

"What you taste like when you cum."

He lifts his head to look at me and paints a devilish grin across his face. "Yeah? You want me to cum in that pretty mouth, baby?"

I nod without question. I've dreamt about what this man tastes like for so long. If this is our one and only night together, I need to know.

"Fuck." He pulls out of me and leans back on his knees, bringing my head with him as his fingers tightly grip my hair.

"You ready, baby? Open up." His voice is deep and hoarse as he moans out and I swear I've never heard a man sound as sexy as he does right now.

His warm, salty cum fills my throat and I greedily swallow every drop of him, licking his tip until he's completely drained.

"Holyyy shit. Look at my dirty girl." He grins down at me and strokes my hair like he's proud.

He drops down in the bed and holds his arm out for me to lay next to him. I lay my head on his chest and listen to his rapid heart beat. A few minutes pass and I'm hoping he forgot about my little comment earlier. Well - big comment. I can't believe I told him I love him. I mean, I do love him and I think I have for awhile now, but why did I have to be a psycho and tell him that.

He finally breaks the silence. "Y/n.. We have to talk about it."

I sigh. Here it goes. "I know.. listen.. I didn't mean it. Obviously, I barely know you. I was caught up in the moment and I was just.. emotional. I promise I'm - I'm not crazy. I know this is a one time thing and I'm okay with that."

"Hmph." I feel his chest rise a little and he sighs. I lift my head up to look at him and he smiles wide at me before kissing my lips.

"That's too bad y/n.. Cause I was thinking we could do this again tomorrow."

The End.

If you read this, thank you so much. This is my first time writing fanfiction, so pls be nice. If you hate it, I'll cry. :') Xo,kb.

[eddiesxangel]

Me and You? Together? | Eddie Munson x Best friend Reader

Eddie Munson + You = BFFLS that’s all you’ll ever be… unless?

Cw: Angst? Small fluff, Queer!Eddie, reader uses she/her pronouns, open ending? One mention of the upside down (ikr who am I?)

wc:1.7k

I think the story needs more pages, yes I've been in love with her for ages 🎶

"Oh, you two are just the cutest couple in here." the older waitress with the retro yellow diner dress and apron with a name tag that read Judy, fawned over you and Eddie. However, you were quick to correct her.

"Oh no, no, just best friends," you lightheartedly giggle.

This stung Eddie. Friends. Best Friends. Two decades worth of friendship, and it haunts Eddie. That is all you'll ever be... Best Friends.

Not once had you shown an ounce of interest in being anything more, but Eddie, on the other hand, fell in love with you in stages throughout his life.

When you were three years old, you moved to the trailer park where Eddie and his family lived. Being the only two kids, you were immediately drawn to one another. Eddie remembers that summer, the scorching summer sun beat down mercilessly on the trailer park as you both ran around in your underwear, laughing and shrieking, under the cool spray of the garden hose.

When you were both five, you had a "wedding" and promised one another vows. Eddie always remembered his promise to be your best friend and to always be your best friend. He told you he loved you, and you told him you loved him and sealed it with a small kiss and a slew of giggles. Your parents gushed about how adorable it was and how they couldn't wait for the real thing. Too bad Eddie's parents never would make it to the real thing.

As you both got a little older, around ten years old, you huddled together in your sleeping bags, whispering secrets and sharing stories that only best friends could tell. The sound of your laughter would fill the air, mingling with the chirping of the crickets and the rustling of the leaves. Your makeshift tent made out of bed sheets and sticks would only last so long as a barrier before you got scared of bats and earwigs, but Eddie promised to never let anything hurt you. He held your hand until you fell asleep.

When you and Eddie were twelve, and he struggled with his parents, you lent him your unwavering support and helped him weather the storm. You were his rock, his confidant, his best friend.

Eddie's world had begun to feel unfamiliar and uncertain during that period. Puberty had started to alter his body and yours, for that matter. Eddie saw the changes happening within you and within himself... He noticed how you got more attention from boys as your chest started blossoming and how he also longed for that attention. An ugly feeling would bloom in Eddie's gut and he hated it when the boys would stare at you or talk to you.

But you would never stray too far. Even with your first boyfriend, Eddie didn't understand why he hated the guy so much. He was a nice boy and never picked on Eddie like the others, but for the life of him, Eddie hated his guts. Especially when he would watch him hold your hand or kiss you on the cheek. He wanted that with you, but he also wanted to be you? He was so confused. He, too, wanted to hold your boyfriend’s hand and have him kiss him on the cheek, and that scared him.

Both your emotions lead to changes in the dynamics of your friendship, such as sleepovers. Previously, a fun and carefree activity had become different since it was now mandatory to sleep in separate rooms, a rule both your parents and Eddie's Uncle Wayne agreed upon. Yet, through the difficult times of teenage angst, you both powered through and came out stronger than ever.

When all the shit happened with the upsidedown a little over two years ago, you were at his bedside every day until the visiting hours were over, and the hospital had to physically kick you out; you would be back the second they started up again the next day. That was the last straw for Eddie. He could no longer deny his feelings for you anymore. He was in love with his best friend.

"Oh well, that's too bad; if you ever change your mind, invite me to the wedding, okay?" She smiles and takes your orders to the kitchen.

When the waitress left, Eddie saw his window of opportunity.

"Hey, uh, what if I took you out?" Eddie fiddles with the paper straw wrapper.

"We are out, Stupid." You laugh.

"No, no, I mean, can I take you for a drink?" Eddie was never this anxious around you, and you noticed. Like something in the air had shifted.

"Like a drink?" you raise your brows.

"Uh... yeah." You had never seen Eddie so nervous with you before. Where was this coming from?

"Oh God, I'll have to think... We're friends, Eddie, I don't know? It-it doesn't feel right." This had caught you so off guard.

"It's cool... no, yeah,- I-I was just messin'," he waves off, and your heart alleviates.

"God Eddie! You really had me there." you laugh and Eddie's heart sinks, and you can see him slouch back into the booth. His body language completely shifted.

Fuck, how he hated this; you were the only one who ever made him feel right. You were it for him.

No matter how hard he tried, his mind would always wander back to the same vision of a future with you. He saw the two of you building a beautiful life together in his dreams. He imagined the joy of raising children with you, cooking together in the kitchen, and sharing parenting responsibilities. He could picture himself changing their diapers while you watched with a warm smile.

Visions of you going to the Winter Fair, which was not the most exciting event; he envisioned you, him and your hypothetical child going there every year, enjoying the festivities and watching the colourful lights glow in your eyes. These thoughts filled him with happiness, and he couldn't wait for them to become a reality.

Unfortunately, you have shot down any possibility of being more than friends with Eddie, not to hurt him but because you only see him as a friend. Never once had it ever crossed your mind to see Eddie as anything more. Honestly, you questioned his sexuality over the years.

One memory, in particular, flashed in your brain as you pondered on the possibility of Eddie being serious or just taking the piss?

"Eddie, what are you doing?" You walked into your bedroom to see Eddie standing in the middle of your room, facing your full-length mirror.

"Oh, me? I liked your dress and wanted to see what it would look like on me? Kinda badass, no? Some may even say... metal?"

You can't help but laugh.

“Ed’s, you can’t even do it up; you’re going to rip it!”

“You’re being a hater… Imagine! Me on stage shredding to Ozzy in this?" He gestures to your floral church dress, which he’s paired with his black Converse all-stars. He’s always been flamboyant.

You can't help but roll your eyes. Your mom just bought you this dress.

“What, Sunshine?” He smirks.

“Ed’s, are you?-Is there something you want to tell me?” You bite your lip, not wanting him to freak out.

“You know me, sunshine! I’m just me,” he twirled and showed off his boxers.

“Okay, but if you ever wanna tell me anything, I’ll be here for you.”

“I know.” He smiled.

Sometimes, you wondered about Eddie... He never fully came out to you, and you never pressured him to do so because you loved him regardless. You wouldn’t ever have a chance with him; he’s your platonic soul mate. Sure, he’s handsome if you like that bad boy-leather-metalhead thing, but who’s to say you were even his type? You were a girl.

When Eddie asked you out just now, you had no idea how to take it? He’s him, and you are you… you’ve been attached at the hip forever, but never did you think you’d cross the threshold? Did he want to cross it? Did you want to cross it?

He was so nervous as he asked you. His hands wouldn’t stop fiddling, and he fumbled his words. His breath got all gaspy, like when he was trying to brush off something that bothered him. Maybe he was being serious?

“Ed’s?”

“Yea?” You saw a glimmer of hope behind his eyes.

“Don’t you like… boys? I’ve never seen you-“

“It’s okay- lots of people think I’m gay, but it’s cool, right? We’re friends! Why would it not be?”

“No, no, of course, but you’ve-you’ve never been with a girl or at least that I know of? So I never thought… Really? Me and you? Together?”

“No, you wouldn’t have thought.” He bit back bitterly. “I know, I’m queer; you know I’ve always been different.”

“Ed’s, I’m sorry I just- I never thought of you like that because I’m a girl…”

“Ask me, Sunshine.”

“Ask you what?”

“You know.”

“Do you like girls?” You spit out.

“No, sunshine, I like you.”

“But you-"

“I know how I am!” He raised his voice. He never raised his voice. Not at you. “I don’t like conformity and social norms, and sure, I like men, and sure, I like to dress up in your clothes and like to put on your makeup, but fuck, I especially like it because that stuff belongs to you, I do it because I love you.” There he said it, finally he felt like the 100lb weight had been lifted off of his chest.

“Ed’s-“

“No! I love you, and I do it because I like it and to be close to you because you’re my whole world, sunshine, and if I can’t have you, I don’t know what I will do.” He reached out for your hand across the table, and you let him take it. Your fingers intertwine.

It was quiet for a moment. You needed to process. Things between you won’t be the same after this.

“Talk to me, Sunshine?”

“I just never thought this was an option between us, Eddie. I need time.

“I’ll wait for you; I’ve waited this long.”

You only stay in silence for a moment before Judy comes back around.

“Okay, kiddos, 2 burgers and fries, enjoy.” The waitress smiles and places your meal in front of you.

“Excuse me, Judy?” you call out.

“Yes, darling?” She turns back with a smile

“Can we see the drink menu?” You chide

“Coming right up”

[batsvnte]

𝐏𝐡𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐋𝐢𝐧𝐞 • 𝐖𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐃𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠

Pairing(s): Wally Darling

Sypnosis: you seem to not get enough of these phone calls you’ve been getting from Wally. Not like how he’s acting recently

Warning(s): Obsessive behavior, cursing, reader is 0.01% away from breaking something, also hints reader is progressively getting sick, ooc maybe, not proofread

Song used: Telephone by Lady Gaga

Word Count: 2K

Notes: black gender neutral!reader (they/them pronouns) with lovesick! Wally. Here’s my go at the lovesick au heunehueeb— the color for the lyrics are killing me but it’s fine. Also decided to go for the second person to see how this works. Au belongs to @halohelene on tik tok, characters belong to @/partycoffin

Not that I don’t like you, I’m just at a party

You wished that you realized sooner.

The little signs that was being given off ever since that rainy day that occurred few weeks prior to what was happening now. You recalled how drenched everyone became since they were out in the rain. One of your neighbors, Wally Darling, specifically. Two days later is when it started showing physically since he was coming out to less and less. The everyone concluded that he was down with an sickness that Wally came down with.

Lounging around in your home without anything planned for the day as usual. Though part of you was reluctant to hear knocking on your door, or the phone's ringing. Waiting for someone to talk to you and drag you to bring them into their fun shenanigans they have planned for the day. You often shake away the thought, wanting the day to be by yourself as some way to recharge yourself due to your social battery being inherently low for the past couple of days.

You were broken out of your thoughts the moment the phone rang. You nearly shoot up right out of your seat before relaxing, realizing it might be one of the neighbors calling you. You suspect it would be Sally since she's been recently calling you a lot. For advice on the plays she has written and notes that she rambles to you about scenes. All the usual stuff that you and Sally would talk about for hours.

"Hello? (L/N) speaking." It was like an automated line that is always said whenever the phone was picked up by you.

No answer. You thought that it was some mistaken call that was directed to you. You were about to speak again before your voice was caught up in your throat.

"Hello neighbor.."

Wally's voice filled your ear. You haven't talked to him in a long while which surprised you in the slightest. Part of you was relieved that he was calling you.

"Hey Wally!" A smile spread across your face. "I haven't heard from you in a while. Are you feeling okay?"

"I'm feeling great, neighbor." Through his monotonous voice there was some bit of comfort for him through those words. "I'm so glad you picked up. I've missed your voice."

Here was the start of what you thought was to be a short conversation. Chatting about what you were doing the past couple of days and rambling about your interests to him. He didn't have much to say but he made it known that was listening to every single thing you said. Wally would often times thrown in compliments which caught you off guard. Maybe this was the first sign you needed to know.

"Look, Wally I need to go." It was your third reminder to him since you realized how long you've been in the phone for.

"What about the story? Can you tell me more about it, please?"

"I'll tell you soon."

"But–"

You didn't hear the rest of what he had to say due to bringing the phone away from your ear while uttering a quick bye before hanging up. You let out a soft sigh, not realizing how late it's gotten. The sun was already at its prime of setting, revealing only streetlights as its main source to see the outside world clearly. You furrow your eyebrows in confusion as you wondered what time it was. And how long you've been on the phone for.

And I am sick and tired of my phone ringing

Getting prepared for your night time routine you realized you weren't as tired as you thought to be. You just been staring up at the ceiling for the past consecutive hours of the night. You decided against your thoughts of attempted sleeping, getting up from your warm covers and into the chill air of your room.

You chose to do you hair, wanting a new hairstyle for yourself. Turning on some music just loud enough for you to hear only you started with plaiting your hair. You were somewhat aware of how long it would take, but it didn't matter. Just as long as you didn't sit around doing nothing without any ounce of exhaustion is something you didn't want to do.

Through the music you mindlessly part and plait your hair into tiny strands to make braids. You didn't realize how many you've done before you heard a noise. Slowly down your pace you glance to the radio that was carelessly tossed onto you bed. You've heard this song more than enough times to count the beats to the song.

Something about it was throwing you off.

Listening closely to the noise you've made a slow realization of the phone ringing. It was faint since the phone was in a completely different room but it felt like it was directly next to you. Questions starting to flood your mind as you finally finish the hair strands in your hand, directing your eyes over to the closed door of your bedroom.

'How long has the phone been ringing?'

It could've been minutes since the phone has been ringing. Getting a random call in the middle of the night scared you somewhat even though the phone line was directly connected to your friendly neighbors. You turn your head back to the mirror that you were seated in front of. It was better not to answer the phone right now since it was probably a random call accidentally made to you. But was it? You didn't know at all. You just needed to finish what you started.

After the final braid was done, you cleaned yourself up and flopped down on your bed. Barely missing the radio that tilted to the side due to your weight on the bed. Exhaustion finally caught up with you and you fell asleep.

Sometimes I feel like I live in Grandcentral Station

For the next couple of days was a never ending cycle for you. It weirded you out at first without any question. But the more you repeated the same action, it would just happen not even minutes later once you were away from it. Waking up to a mundane routine is something you wished for.

Wake up, get yourself breakfast, phone rings for several minutes, do you daily activities friends, get dinner, and go to sleep.

Wake up, phone rings for several minutes, get yourself some breakfast, the phone rings for an hour, do your daily activities, get dinner and go to sleep.

The phone rings for several minutes, wake up, phone rings for two hours, get yourself breakfast, the phone goes off, stay indoors, the phone rings, dinner, the phone rings, and go to sleep.

The phone rings again. The ringing was driving you insane. It was going on any time you were inside your own home. Whenever you went to another's house, their phone was silent as ever. Something that you had wished for. But it wasn't the only thing that kept you up late at night. You've been having conversations with Wally prior to the endless phone calls. Part feeling bad that he was still stuck in his home instead of being outside and spending time with the neighbors. You hadn't realize that his condition was getting progressively worse the more you kept talking to him.

Wally wanted to hear your voice more. He needed to hear you talk about whatever came to mind or was brought up. The sound of your voice was a melodious tune to him. Wally couldn't help it at all.

You wished you connected it sooner than expected.

And yet here you were. You were sitting down at the dinner table that was in your own home, your food gone untouched. You could only stare blankly at the plate in front of you knowing well that it's gone cold. Your eyes slowly drifted over to the phone that was resting on the counter. You had moved it during one of your calls with Wally so you can multitask: talk to him while making yourself something to eat. Easier and more convient for you, wasn't it?

It's been ringing once again. Your mind automatically thought it was Wally calling you again. It couldn't be anyone else to call you this late at night.

How else would he know that you tend to stay up into the late hours of the night. Or how you would wake up without a thought, doing whatever gets you back into exhaustion so you have more energy for tomorrow. How else could he know these details about you that you never mentioned.

You pushed the chair back without cringing at the screeching floorboard you caused it to make. You storm into the kitchen, opening various of drawers and digging through the various amount of supplies that you had stashed away. You were doing it aggressively to the point were you could've accidentally taken out an entire drawer. Pulling and slamming over and over again before you found what you were looking for. You scooped up a pair of scissors into your hands with the satisfaction of finally finding your desired item.

Pushing yourself away from the messy drawers and cabinets, you rush back over to the phone. You nearly knock over the phone which would've been desirable but it wasn't what you were aiming for. Going to the other side, you trace the long thin cable that connected your phone to the house, which gave access to anyone calling you. Finding no care for the length, you swiftly snip the cord in half.

An unfamiliar silence filled the room. Lowering your hands, you let one end of the cord slip through you hands and onto the floor. Relief washes over your body was you stand up properly. Sliding the scissors gently onto the counter. Turning away from the phone with no care what you're going to do with it. As long as it was silent, you were happy.

The phone rings.

You nearly snap your neck to look at the phone once again. Tou were thinking you might be imagining it all over again. The phone vibrates as the ringing starts up again. You were sure that you cut the phone line. What other cord could be connected to the phone.

'What the fuck is going on? Why is it ringing? How is it still ringing!? Just fucking stop!'

One thing led to another and you found yourself on the floor sitting against the wall. Viewing the phone that was at a distance due to it being knocked over by you throwing it at a nearby wall. It didn't break fully which made you more frustrated, but you didn't have anymore energy to deal with it. You were tired. You wanted it to stop.

"Now neighbor.. is that a way to answer a friend?" Wally's faint voice was heard through the phone, but you made no effort to get closer to hear him better.

"You destroyed your phone," Wally continues to speak with a loving tone in his voice. He sounds genuine, but you knew that there was another emotion present. "How can I be able to hear your voice if I can't call you.. Don't you think it would be better to visit me?”

You remained silent. Something about the suggestion was almost to good to pass up. It has been days since you’ve seen him, and you didn’t want anything more than to make up the lost time with the shorter puppet. But then again, Wally was sick and you weren't going to risk getting others down if you ended up getting sick as well.

You could only stare at the phone but you could feel Wally’s eyes focused on you. Eager for an answer.

Tonight I’m not taking no calls, cause I’ll be dancing

This is so messy omFG

I was working on another one au thing I saw on tik tok but somehow this au dragged me back here. I’ve been so stressed because of my grades and exams but writing this made me feel better at least. But like- you finna go see him or nah 👀

[kristlewrites]

“Baby I’m ready for take off”

CW: Cock Warming ,Chest Riding, Fluff(?), Poorly written smut, comfort(?) nicknames ( ma, mamas, papa, and baby)

PAIRING: Connie x Black!FemReader

WC: 0.9k

🫧🗯️: Test run post! Don’t judge🤒 ALSO! first time writing smut so if it’s bad i’m sorry, it’ll probably remain like that for a minute…(title is from a wayv song.. doesn’t have to do anything with the fic🪦🪦)

MINORS DNI

(take off!)

It's been a long day, long week even. School has been beating your ass with essays and finals..this was your only chance to relax. You enter connie's apartment around 6 pm, he wasn't there because he's also been busy but not with school. The team made it to regionals and the coach has been working the team the bone with drills everyday.

     You use your key that he lent to you and make yourself at home, he lived off campus. You make your way into the shower and clean yourself up real quick and change into his pajamas, although a lot of your clothes is in his room, hell ! you even have your own drawer! But you love the way his clothes feels on you and his scent makes you feel safe. You were absolutely starving by the time you got dressed and decided to go order some food, wing-stop you finally decide you got yourself a 12 pc hot and lemon pepper with a side of fries and A sprite. When the food came around it was almost eight and Connie should be on his way home.

   After you finished eating you cleaned up super quick and went to bed, connie showed up about an hour later. He knew you were here but seeing you in his sheets and pjs made his heart falter. He went in the shower quickly and joined you in bed. He tried his best not to make any noise but regardless you still woke up 

    "Sorry ma, didn't mean to wake you up"

    he said so gentle, 

      "how are you? I'm sorry I came home late.. i didn't expect coach to keep us so long"

   he caressed your cheeks trying to get you back to sleep. You looked up at his beautiful freckled face, you missed him so much you guys havent been able to see each other at all this week with being so occupied with your own personal activities and affairs. Small tears stream from your eyes, he wipes them away with such care and delicacy.

   "I know, I know ive missed you too, baby"

    You turn towards to him and indulge into his chest , he's not wearing a shirt which is normal since he gets really sweaty at night (😭😭🪦🪦🪦) you start talking about the events that happened that week, how your essay went, how you absolutely failed your stats test, new books you bought, girl drama, and how stressful it's been for you. He nods occasionally and throws in a couple of "mhms" to let yk that he's still listening. This goes on for about an hour and at this point you're just rambling, but connie understands how much you love to talk and let's you continue without complaint, that is until you ask him about his week and what he's done. 

   At this point he's practically knocked out. 

   "Hah, What was that baby what did you say??" he said a little bit groggy

   You repeat your question, but while you do you see that he's HARD??? No way this man was hard from just hearing you talk.But then he must've been backed up from this whole week because of how rarely he saw you or had anytime for himself. When you think about it has been a while since y'all had sex, because of how seldom it's been to even talk to him on the phone 

   "Hey con.. You're hard, how long has it been?" you ask while playing with his nipples. (🪦🪦🪦)

   "Baby you don't even understand how much i've missed you..c'mere" He pulls you closer to his penis.

  Slowly he removes his pants and boxers, revealing his hard leaking cock.. good lord it was so much prettier than you remember. You slowly enter his dick into your hole, surprised by how wet you were.

   "Be careful mamas I could jizz into you at any point" you laughed at his choice of words, it was clear that he hasn't been relived in awhile..and while you were also tired doesn't mean you could at least help him out!!?? and you were on the pill so that should count for something..right??? Continuing you grab ahold of his tip and insert it, until fully seethed into your pussy. It felt so good, you grabbed his hand and placed it on your stomach showing him where his dick is. That really pushed him over and sprayed your pussy through and through. your poor baby he was so sensitive. You guys stayed like that until morning.

   Waking up, you find yourself looking at connie sleeping so soundly and peacefully. You reach for your phone but feel restricted once you've realized the man got a whole ass dick in you. omggg

  "Baby wake up" you whisper yell, tapping his chest. you roam your fingers on along his abs, a few seconds later connie shifts a little bit to remove his cock from you and lifts you up and places you down on his chest. This all happens so quick that u immediately shiver, with your wet slicky pussy on top of his chest he begins move you up and down while his dick teases at your ass crack. Your nails dig into his abdomen while you grind your silky pussy over his abs. Connie's hands take pleasure in your tits while they bounce up and down, twisting and turning you nipples putting you into over drive. Your cum glazes over his abs, you panting hard. First thing in the morning... You rest your head on his chest finding his heart beat while he rubs your head calming you down. 

   "I love you ma" he whispers, he feels your smile into his chest and laughs a bit. He raises your head, "did you hear what I said?" He leans in for a kiss and you return it. "I love you too papa"

(Think of this as a soft launch ijbol)🫧🗯️

[theworldofotps]

Strangers

Pairing: Hook x Reader Word Count: 1,839 Description: Going from strangers to lovers to well he isn't sure now.

I've had this song on repeat since it came out and just had to write a piece based on it. Lewis is truly a musical genius and I'm so happy he released these bonus songs. 🖤

___________

Tag list: @omg-im-such-a-masochist​ @melissahausen​ @new-zealand-chic​ @writtingrose​ @99hook @sjwrites22 @sassymox​ @mrsacklesevansmgk​ @xladyxfatex @biforrollynch​ @irish-newzealand-idian-dutch​ @demonqueen29 @itsicantbelievethis666​ @lilred91​ @rebellious-desires​ @claymorexpunisher @letsgivethisonemoreshot @ava-valerie @shortyiceheart​ @serpantscorpio8497 @thatpanpal​ @thatnerdwriter​ @wrestlersownmyheart​ @vebner37​ @auburnwrites​ @aews-four-pillars​ @seeingstarks​ @whenimakeitshine1234​ @legit9thlunaticwarrior​ @blaquekitty​ @ironshamelessyouth​ @unoficialy-married-to-ace-austin @ripleyswhore @moonrosekk @xbreezymeadowsx @elevennbloom @melblacc @alliwant456  @mcreignsera If you wanna be added to the list lemme know. ________ Tyler could easily recall the first time he had met you, having gone out after a show to share a couple drinks with the lads while in New York. A bit crowded for a bar on a Wednesday night with more patrons than he would have predicted. Someone had the radio turned up a bit loud and Wonderwall was blasting from the speakers. “I hate this song, it’s so overplayed and let’s be honest they could easily find better music.” Turning his head Tyler couldn’t help a slight chuckle hearing the voice go on about the song currently playing throughout the bar. His eyes landed on you, glancing back at the lads to see they were all to engrossed in whatever they were watching on Dante’s phone. Tyler slipped away from the table and walked over to where you were chatting with the bartender.

“You’re not the only one with that thought, I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard this play in one night on the radio.”

Normally he wasn’t so forward, just walking up to a stranger and talking to them but he just felt the need to speak with you. It felt like a jolt of lightning when you turned and smiled at him, his heart fluttered against his ribcage.

“Thank you finally someone who knows what they’re talking about. The name’s y/n pleasure to meet you stranger.”

“Tyler and a pleasure to meet you, mind if I have a seat?”

“Not at all we can continue to talk about why this song needs to be forgotten already.”

You laughed bringing your drink up to your lips to take some of the cool crisp liquid in. Tyler watched in silence for a moment, laughing when your eyes rolled as the chorus came on.

“Honestly give it a break already we know we know after all you’re my wonderwall.”

“Sorta ruins the bar experience, you here by yourself?”

“Yeah, my friend bailed on me, so I figured I’d just sit here anyway, what about you?”

“Nah, I came with some of my friends there are over at one of the tables, but I think they’re watching a game on Dante’s phone, so I just left.”

“Do you think they’d mind if you ditched them to hang out with a stranger?”

“I don’t think they’d be thrilled but they know I can handle myself besides New York is my city I know this place like the back of my hand.”

“Well do you want to go to a park and sit with a drink we can chat there just hang out or something, Long as you promise you’re not a murderer or anything.”

Tyler laughed shaking his head in amusement as he ordered two bottles of drinks to go.

“No, I’m not a murderer I know a park just a few blocks from here.”

After telling his friends what was happening and promising to text them once he got home Tyler led you from the bar. Chatting the whole way to the park where you two sat for hours nursing your drinks and talking about everything you could possibly think of.

That was the first night you stayed at his apartment the two of you both far too interested by each other to even bother sleeping. When he walked you home, he made sure to get your number pressing a kiss to your cheek with a promise to see you soon as he could. Months passed and the two of you became practically inseparable, if you were staying at his apartment when he wasn’t traveling for work, he was staying at yours. You even went to a few of his shows once you found out what Tyler did for a living. It was no surprise when he asked you out for the first time when he had a month off work. He couldn’t seem to get you out of his head every time he was away, he was falling faster than he ever had before.

“Something is obviously bothering you babe.”

Tyler said as he laid on his side behind you gently rubbing your back, you’d been a quieter than usual since he got back from his last show.

“I read some of the comments from your fans on that picture Danhausen posted, they think that you and Kris are secretly together. And then I saw a thread where they were listing people you would be a perfect match with.”

You spoke softly looking at the wall you weren’t sure why it had gotten to you suddenly, the two of you agreed to keep your relationship private. You didn’t want the spotlight but there were still moments where you felt like you didn’t measure up to the beautiful women, he was surrounded by all the time. Tyler listened his frown deepening the more you spoke. Gently he tugged your shoulder so you would roll over to face him.

“Y/n, I can’t say I know what you’re feeling because I’m not you, but I know what it feels like to question your self-worth and feel like you aren’t good enough. But I can promise you there’s nobody else I’d rather be with than you. I’ve never fallen for someone like I have you and I mean that; I’ve waited all my life to find something like this. What we have is special, what we have is something I wouldn’t trade or let go of if I could help it.”

Tyler held your hand in his placing a soft kiss to your knuckles as his thumb gently rubbed little circles into the back of your hand. You listen pushing some of the hair out of his face as your heart swelled.

“You really mean all of that?”

“Swear it on everything, I love you y/n and you’re the only one for me I want everything that comes with it. And if it would make you feel more secure coming out and telling everyone we can I just want you to know that I want you and only you.”

It was the first time he’d ever said those words and it felt like his heart was lodged in his throat as he waited for your response. Your eyes searching his face as you smiled at him and leaned close your lips brushing ever so softly against his.

“I love you too Tyler.”

The joy and happiness that flowed through him was one he hadn’t experienced before he cupped your cheeks and kissed you. His body relaxing more into the mattress as the weight that had been on his chest lifted.

He knew it was coming before you had even said anything had noticed over the last few weeks you pulling farther away from him. Your replies to his messages while away were shorter and took longer for replies. Tyler knew the distance was starting to affect your relationship but he couldn’t help it he had a job that needed to be done and that included traveling. The bigger he got as a wrestler the more he was needed for public appearances. You had tried to be understanding but it had gotten to the point that you weren’t happy. The rumors flying that Tyler had taken a girl back to his hotel room hadn’t helped either, he did everything to prove to you that he was faithful. It was one of his coworkers Anna who came by long enough to pick up her boyfriend’s duffle bag that Tyler had grabbed by mistake. When you stopped by his place on one of the few nights, he was home he knew as soon as he opened the door what was coming.

“You’re breaking up with me, aren’t you?”

Tears filled your eyes as you nodded your head, you hated the thought, but you couldn’t drag this out any longer. Neither of you deserved that Tyler bit the inside of his cheek as his eyes watered, he looked at the ceiling hoping you wouldn’t notice how much this was killing him. Opening the door wider he seen an empty box in your hands and knew you had come to collect some of your things. This was it, the moment he’d been dreading for weeks and had hoped was just a figment of his overactive thinking.

He watched in silence as you collected some of your items slowly erasing yourself from the apartment.

“I’ll be back for the rest soon or whenever you’re home again.”

“You won’t reconsider, can’t we talk about this?”

His voice was gruff with tears, and it broke your heart to see him this way, giving a slow shake of your head you swallowed the lump building in your throat.

“This is for the best Tyler, I’m sorry but I just can’t do this anymore I wish you the best. I’ll never forget you.”

Pressing a kiss to his cheek you left closing the door leaving him alone with the silence the only sound he could hear was the ticking of his watch the pounding of his heart in his chest. Then the quiet sobs that were leaving him as he fell to the floor. He couldn’t believe you were really gone; sure, he could have tried to argue with you more. But he knew once you made your mind up about something, especially when it came to your happiness, there was no way to change it.

Falling asleep that night had been difficult, the smell of your perfume lingered in the bedroom and when he woke up, remembering this wasn’t a horrible nightmare, he broke down again.

Tyler spent the following weeks after locked away in the apartment the countless beer bottles surrounded his bed and stubbed out joints in the ashtray on his nightstand. He did everything he could to try and forget you, hoping the booze would dull the pain and the high would numb his mind. Nothing worked, here he was the days slipping by blurring into one long period. Every time his phone rang, and it wasn’t you he’d leave it there. His voicemail was finally full, his friends and family had been by more than once trying to get him to answer the door. The only way they even knew he was alive was the occasional reply to his dad.

He felt like his world had crumbled and buried him under the crushing weight of grief, the end of a relationship that had brought him such a joy he hadn’t known before. While you were out there moving on, he was stuck in a cycle of drinking and smoking to try and forget it all. He couldn’t understand any of it, he never imagined that going from strangers to lovers only to be strangers all over again would hurt this badly. It was a pain he wouldn’t wish on anyone and yet here he was going through that exact ache, only now he didn’t know how to cope. Didn’t know how he was going to get over this heartbreak or if he even could.

[tuulikannel]

There is this song by a Finnish band I like, CMX, and it always makes me think of Gakushuu and Gakuhou. I once started writing a fic based on it, but I doubt I'll ever really finish it. So I figured I might as well post here what I've written & my thoughts about the rest of the song.

So, it's Gakushuu & his dad angst time! ^^

Three Miles North from the Crossroads of Death

“And what happens then?” Ren asked quietly.

Gakushuu blinked, raising his eyes from his book.

“What?”

“What happens… once you have done… all that?”

Gakushuu frowned. “I don’t quite understand what you mean. What happens then?” He shrugged. “Anything I want, I guess. I’ve reached my goal, I have won. What happens after… it’s ultimately irrelevant.”

Ren looked at him, something quiet and shadowy in his eyes, but then he smiled. “Yeah. I guess.” That smile… didn’t quite reach his eyes, Gakushuu thought, but the boy looked away so quickly he couldn’t quite be sure. And honestly, whether it did or not… that too was irrelevant.

Gakushuu turned back to his book. He didn’t know what had brought on that question, and didn’t really care, either. Ren was a bit weird at times, that was all.

As he walked home in the evening, that question returned to his mind. What happens then?

Gakushuu smiled a little at himself. If only Ren new… all the fantasies he had of what he would do once he finally, one day, would crush his father. Well, Ren would never know, of course. He would never talk about all that to anyone. And, he had to admit to himself, much of that was nothing but silly daydreams. The reality would most likely be something much more boring.

That too was, ultimately, irrelevant. One day he would defeat his father, for good, and then… then he’d have all he had ever wished for at his hands.

Wouldn’t he?

For some reason, the image of Ren’s eyes flashed in his mind. If he didn’t know better, he would say his friend had looked worried. The way he had looked at Gakushuu… it was as if he had seen something troubling.

Having reached his home, Gakushuu paused for a moment at the front door. Yes… once he won… he would cherish that moment. All the hard work it would take to reach it. And after that…

…well. Maybe he didn’t quite know, yet, what would come next. Perhaps, having once reached the top position, he would simply have to continue working hard to stay there. To keep his father down. That was, most likely, all that there was to it. There was no point to think of all that quite yet. No reason to let whatever had been troubling Ren about this to trouble him, too.

He took a deep breath and, trying to push away the cold emptiness inside him, opened the door.

He would reach the top, one of these days, and he would stay there. That was all there was to it. What would happen then was hardly something to fret over.

That night Gakuhou returned home quite late. Spending hours eating and drinking (mainly drinking) at a restaurant was quite ridiculous, but thinking of the deals he had managed to struck with his rather drunk business partners, it was still time well spent.

Checking on his son, he saw that Gakushuu had already retired for the night. He stood a moment in the doorway of his son’s room, watching the sleeping figure. The younger the child, the more sleep it needs, he knew that well. Gakushuu… wasn’t such a small child anymore. Perhaps he could start staying up a little bit later. Of course, he didn’t yet have so many things on his schedule he would have to take also the wee hours into use, but it would not hurt to start schooling his body to adapt to less sleep.

It was, ultimately, all about efficiency. Even a couple of hours of sleep could do a lot, as long as you sleep tightly.

Gakushuu had never really been a good sleeper. Even as a toddler he had taken a while to fall asleep, no matter how tired he was. Lying in bed but not sleeping… that if anything was a waste of time.

This boy… held the potential to be the top elite of the country, one day. Wasn’t he already that, in his age group? But he still had much room for growth. He spoke so big, of how he would someday bring Gakuhou himself down. There was still such a long way to reach that goal. If the kid was serious about that – as he better be – Gakuhou would have to make sure he’d become even more disciplined than he was now.

He was about to leave, but as he glanced once more at the sleeping boy, he couldn’t help pausing. How relaxed that face was in deep sleep, how young… all that sharpness that made Gakushuu rise above his age group lost. He remembered suddenly the little child who struggled to sleep. The patter of small feet in the middle of the night, as Gakushuu ran to him and snuggled up close.

He had been, back then, so very accommodating. Spoiling the kid, really. He should have told him to go to sleep in his own bed.

…then again, Gakushuu did always fall asleep quite fast after coming to his father, his head resting on Gakuhou’s shoulder, small hands squeezing his. And he had learned to sleep in his own bed, hadn’t he? No harm done in the long run, maybe. Certainly he would never again ran to sleep with his father, that was for sure.

Seconds ticked by, and Gakuhou stood still, watching the sleeping child.

This boy… would reach his goal someday. He would reach the top. Be strong. Not dependent of anyone or anything. He would not be someone anyone could kick down, no; he would be the one who could kick down anyone he wanted to.

He would survive, no matter what the cost.

Gakuhou stood still, watching the sleeping child.

That day would come, he knew it. And he would be so proud then – not that he would ever let Gakushuu see that. That was nothing but useless sentimentalism from his part, not something this boy – then a man – would need.

He would be so proud… so why was there something cold within him now, an empty ache that made him rub his fingers together, remembering the touch of a small hand in his own?

~~~~~~~

And that is as much as I’ve written of this. But here’s the song (in my translation) and my thoughts about the rest of it.

I feel cold at the sheer thought of victory I feel cold thinking of the moment of reaching the goal

Those two lines are, obviously, the beginning of the fic. That’s how far I got. XD I feel that, funnily enough, these two have the same goal: Gakushuu becoming strong enough to rise above anyone, even his father. After all, isn’t this why Gakuhou is doing it all, to make sure his son (and the majority of his students) become as strong as possible?

The next part would have been about Gakuhou, quite obviously, I think:

When you’d see all your thoughts in the right light How inadequate is your love, how ignorant your knowledge

The only question is, how much would it take for him to realize this? Maybe sometimes, in the dark hours of the night when he watches his sleeping child, there is doubt within him, but does he listen to that? Certainly not, such thoughts are nothing but a weakness that needs to be suppressed.

And then we would be back to Gakushuu, who to his dismay at some point would realize how similar he really is to his father – of course he is not his father, we know this, but does he see it too? Sometimes people might look at him with similar expressions as they look at his father, and that makes him wonder.

And did I realize it only now I’m no more remarkable than you You, who I’ve always hated Despised and feared

Where does it all lead to? What is, ultimately the point of all the efforts? Sometimes, Gakushuu might start doubting it all. Just how remarkable is either of them, really…

We, two wretches Hanging side by side And after we’ve trashed our time We’re thrown into a hole

And there are times when Gakushuu despairs. He tries to hang onto his goal, but it feels impossible. How far? How far does he still have to go to reach his goal? No matter how great his achievements are, his father remains unreachable. No matter how much he struggles, nothing ever changes.

From the crossroads of death Still three more miles to the north

And even though he excels in everything, that doesn’t mean everything is easy. He keeps up the façade of perfection, but ultimately it’s only that. A façade.

Who demands for an easy song In the senseless world Where every song is difficult to sing Even if it’s only a beautiful lie

And let’s not even get into what lies within his father, all hidden under a façade not so different from Gakushuu’s (snakes, centipedes, big difference)

Who demands you to say what storms in your chest When in the twisted world of your chest There are a million snakes, tangled up.

And always, always, his father remains unreachable. How could he not? He’s decades older, he has already accomplished so much, everything Gakushuu can do, his father has done long ago. Ren is the one who points out something to him, when he is (in an uncharacteristically weak, embarrassing moment) fretting about all that to his best friend (and only to his best friend.)

Everything you do has been done Everything you see has been seen Everything you touch Has been touched by many hands But not with your hands Not with your eyes Not within you Before you do it yourself

But of course, Gakushuu being Gakushuu, he simply concludes that this means it doesn’t matter if his father has done something before him, as long as he does it better than his father.

And so he keeps on going… and going. And going. But how far?

From the crossroads of death Still three more miles to the north From the crossroads of death Still three more miles to the north To the north, to the north…

Here's the song on youtube, Kuoleman risteyksestä kolme virstaa pohjoiseen:

(about the song, the first minute and a half is kinda weird, I give you that XD)

[vermillionsails]

THE WANDERER part 1

Cooper Howard/ The Ghoul x Reader

synopsis: The reader aka Bullseye gets run out of her family settlement to find an old friend. what will happen when they finally see each other after 6 years?

WARNINGS ⚠️: Cooper Howard/ The ghoul x female reader afab reader, DNI IF YOU ARE UNDER 18 GO ON GIT. eventual smut, adult language, fallout show, and game cannon violence. age gap reader is 22 if you're not, pretend.

I try to keep the description of the reader neutral only things that are talked about are the reader's age, teeth, smaller hands, and eventually intimate parts. I do not own the rights to Lucy or Cooper Howard or the fallout setting. the plot and town characters are the only things I made up. Time skips are in this at least this first part anyway. dream sequence as well it will be in bold so you can tell and see the difference.

A/N: I've only seen the first episode and clips, and interviews of the characters cause Freevee only has the first episode but, the brain worms are still activated for this man! 😩

Update A/N ive managed to see the rest of the show. i also wanna give thanks to my bff @oppositeoflove-isindifference for helping me edit this brain rot and make it make sense. i love you bitch, i aint never gonna stop loveing you bitch!

I know it's not from the actual Fallout soundtrack but this song fits Cooper's vibe. A couple of 'I don't know how but they found me' songs do honestly but enjoy!!

The only thing you can do is hope. you've been hoping for two days now. All you have now is your pack, everything you've scavenged in the past two days, and Shroud. Your grandma said, before the bombs dropped, Shroud would’ve been called a rottweiler. To you though, he was your best friend. You were lucky to find armor for him, so you didn’t have to worry so much about him tagging along. You were thankful for it honestly, you wouldn't doubt that Reggie would shoot him.  So here you are in the wastes, with Shroud lying across your lap. You had set up camp against an old rusted-out van. You move Shroud, deciding to sleep in the van hidden away, instead of outside in the open. You put out the campfire and unroll the bed roll from your pack and lay down. Shroud splayed out next to you as your eyes start to drift closed. It couldn't have been more than a couple of hours before Shroud was lying on top of you, trying to nudge you awake, as gunfire and a creature roared outside. Grabbing the handle on his armor, you tapped his nose with your finger to signal to play dead. You listen as the gunfire continues. The sound of shouting rises above the gunfire. You could make out at least two voices, plus the creature. It lasts for about another 20 minutes before the noise dies down, and voices come down to a normal level. You can hear two people arguing as footsteps get closer to the van. Very slowly, you reach for the pistol strapped to your leathers. As your hand reaches the handle, you hear a gun cock and a man whistle. 

“Figured you were following us. Smart hiding.” You look up to the voice’s owner, standing in front of the van door with him pistol aimed at Shroud's back. You recognize the voice, his drawl and cowboy hat knocking the memory of Mr. Howard forward.  “Mr. Howard, it's me, Bullseye!” you shout, holding both your hands up in surrender. You silently pray that Shroud doesn't leap or make any sudden movements.  He cocks his head as he looks at you, lowering his gun somewhat.  “Bullseye, huh? That really you?”  You swallow and nod, replying, “Yes sir, it's me. Grandma sent me out to look for you. We’re in big trouble.”  He tuts, putting his gun away, seemingly disappointed he didn't get to shoot anything.  “Considering you're the only person who calls me ‘Mr. Howard’, I suppose that is you, Bullseye,” he chuckled.  He waits for a beat and scowls. He growls, “Well come on now, girly! We got some catching up to do, and I ain't got all night.” You give Shroud two pats, he gets off of you and sits at the van entrance, waiting. “Yes sir Mr. Howard,” you agree, scrambling to pick up your pack and bedroll. You make your way over to Howard and…a Vaultie?  You've never seen one before. The blue and gold suit hurt your eyes, even in the moonlight. She smiles and waves,“Hi, I'm Lucy! Nice to meet you.”  Giving an awkward wave back, you nod to her. “my actual name is y/n, but everyone calls me Bullseye” She smiles genuinely at you, a rare occurrence out here in the wastes.  “That's a nice name…why do they call you Bull-” 

Cooper cuts her off, “I only needed you to help me kill that fuckin’ thing. Don't make me tie you back up.” You give her a sorry half smile and turn to Cooper. “I'll make it as fast as I can Mr. Howard,” you say, ”Ray and Reggie have built up a coup against Grandma; they've already killed 5 people, and some of our Brahmin. I escaped about two days ago, and Grandma told me to come find you. I have a package she wanted me to give you, in case you needed incentive.”  The ghoul sits down next to you, sharpening a knife, and purses his lips. “Smart woman, what did she send with you?”  You turn to unzip your pack, spotting Lucy in the corner of your eye, She seems astonished that he’s being somewhat civil to you.  You pull out the package, a small foot locker-like box. The metal dings from the objects inside rattling as you hand it to him. “Ten different chems, two large Brahmin steaks, ammo, a couple of stimpacks, and all the caps she had left,” you list, recounting everything your grandma told you. He stares down into the box, taking a long look at the top of the lid. Finally, he closes it.  “I'll do it. This is a nice incentive, y'all must be in some real bad trouble darlin’.”  The fluttering feeling when he calls you darlin’ quickly dissipates, as you feel your worry set in. You feel your chest tighten as you look down at the dirt and sand.  “Yeah, it's bad Mr. Howard. Grandma might not….might not be alive when we go back.”  He hums as he goes back to sharpening his knife. “So what are you gonna do if we go back and she isn't?”  You look at him for a moment as you think. “Kill them, have someone else be mayor, and let Doe and Jericho be the new snipers,” you reply. He strikes the knife against the sharpening stone, sending sparks off to the ground. It makes the mix of sand and dirt pop and sizzle at your feet.  “You don’t wanna be mayor?”  You can feel the sadness wrap around your chest and squeeze again. “N-no I'm not- not as skilled as grandma. She could barter for a years worth of supplies then turn around and stop a fight in two seconds.”  He chuckles, finally looking at you with a smile tugging at the right side of his lips. “Yeah, Sue was always good at calming people down,” he muses. You chuckle at his sentiment. He points at you with him knife, saying, “Now that I know the situation, think you can help me dress that deathclaw over there?” You see it splayed out in the dirt, lifeless, the horns digging into the ground. It’s at least 6ft smaller than the adults you've seen.  “Is it a bounty?” 

Cooper grunts and nods, “Yup, it's the last a group a nearby farmer wanted gone.” He grabs the bounty paper from his duster pocket and hands it to you. “Fuckin’ things kept eating everything, including his wife.” You look over the bounty. 500 caps rewarded for the head. You nod, “That's a pretty good bounty.”  Lucy clears her throat and raises her hand, the pipboy light shining directly into your eyes. “I helped, do I get some of the caps?”  Cooper raises an eyebrow ridge at her and gripes, “Put your damn arm down, your’re blinding Bullseye! And I already told you, you're getting 20 and then you’re on your own. If I see you again, it’ll be too soon and I'll shoot you.”  You keep quiet, watching them argue with each other.  “I used ten lock-joint syringes on that thing.”  Cooper laughs, “Yeah those are cheap to make, trust me I know. You're getting 20 and I won't kill you, that's it.”  You see Lucy huff and sink back down in her spot.  After a couple of minutes, the ghoul looks back at you and asks, “Can you help me dress it?” You nod and grab the knife from your boot. “Yeah, I can help.” He gets up and walks over to it, his duster flowing in the breeze like in his old movies that your grandma used to tell you about. “Atta girl let's get to it.” You get up and join him. The bottom of your boots goes from crunching the dirt to thudding and squelching from the blood-soaked dirt pooling around its body.  You adjust the green baker's cap on your head and kneel next to its torso.  “Do you want me to start at the back of the neck or the tail?” you ask. Cooper grunts ,working to saw off the head, “Start at the tail, less tension while I do this.”  Nodding, you move further down. After a few minutes of making a deep enough incision, you get the muscle and start cutting towards the head. Its skin splits into two halves as you try to keep yourself steady. It smells like dust and blood.  Part of you wonders if the deathclaws think that you humans smell as strange as you think they do. Pulled from your thoughts, you hear Cooper clear his throat. You stop and look over at him. “You tune out too easily, could get you killed.”  You feel your cheeks heat up in embarrassment and stammer, “Sorry Mr. Howard, I'll be better in the morning. D-Did you say something?” His eyes scan you for a moment before he speaks again. “Yeah, I did, stop when you get to it’s sides. Need to cut off its hands.” You feel his gaze on you and your cheeks burn again.“Y-yes sir.”  He makes a low sound that you think may be a chuckle.  It's a couple of hours after you started dressing the deathclaw together. Lucy, Shroud, and the dog that Cooper has let follow him around have all fallen asleep. You wrap up the last piece of meat when a thought occurs to you. “So Mr. Howard, where is this bounty at?” 

He shoves most of the meat into his saddle bags, looking at you. “About a three days walk from here, you gonna tag along? Could use that eye of yours.”  Tossing him the last piece of meat, you nod. “Yeah, it'll give me time to think of a plan.”  He makes a heh sound, a smirk playing on his lips. “A plan, huh?”  You raise an eyebrow, more curious than anything. “Yeah I mean, plans are good right?” He nods and stuffs the last of the meat into his saddle bag. “They're good but…have you ever made one before sweetheart?”  Part of you knows the nickname is being used in a derogatory way, maybe even a bit patronizing, but it still makes your stomach flip. “Once,” you say, "we had to make a run to a Superduper Mart for supplies. I got us in and out.” You sit cross-legged on the dirt, adjusting your hat. Pulling out a cloth, you begin cleaning the gore off your knife.   Cooper moves closer to start sawing off the hands. “Well,” he starts,” this is different than a Superduper Mart. How many men are on their side?” You wipe the blade as you think. “About twenty… No one else is joining them, but they’re all trained by Ray,” you say quietly, knowing he’s gonna scoff at you. On cue, he stops and laughs, “Oh, sugar, you ain't gonna make it!” You feel your cheeks and ears heat up once again and stammer out, “I–I'm not going in guns blazing if that's what you think, I-I…”  He cuts you off, putting his hand up to you. You can see how the radiation burns swirl and carve into his skin, making a pattern. “The only possible way,” he says,” of you getting back in there and saving Sue is by sneaking in or…” He smiles. Your stomach flips. You can't tell if it's a good flip or not, but you have a feeling you know what he’s thinking.  “Or?” Your voice is small as you ask.  “I take you as hostage and barter to get you back in there. They want y'all for something, they'll come looking.”  You swallow, looking at him a bit apprehensive. “You're gonna take me as a bounty aren't you?”  He points his knife at you. “Bingo! Don't worry, I won't tie you up quite yet.” He shoots you a wink and goes back to sawing off the hand. You're not quite sure what to do with yourself after that. Your heart begins to beat a little faster, not sure if you like that or not. “O-okay, so we'll pretend I'm bounty and sneak in.”  He whistles, finally getting the hand off. “Yup, I'll bring you in and we’ll take it from there. But first we gotta wait till they come for you. When they do, I gotta be a little rough to sell it. You understand don’t ya?” 

You nod, feeling your core beating a bit as you imagine how rough he'll have to be. “Y-yeah I understand, Mr. Howard.”  He hums at you answer, “Good girl. Now go get some sleep like the others. We got a long walk, starting tomorrow.”  You finish wiping the knife off and put it back in its strap. “Yes, sir.” The ghoul waves you off towards the small fire Lucy had made earlier. “Night, Bullseye,” he says lowly in a gruff voice. You give him a slight smile. “Night Mr. Howard.” Reaching the fire, you unroll your bedroll again and get in. The two-day trek to find Cooper began setting into your bones as your eyes flutter shut.   A dream starts to play in your mind as you drift off.  Strange music plays to the beat of hooves against the ground. You see the figure of a man on a horse, riding into the red and orange of the sky as you try to move towards him. It's like you’re  moving in slow motion as you try to reach out to the figure. A cloud of raised dust swirls into the sky as it begins to storm around you and the rider.  His figure and the beast he's on get closer as they rush to you. Their features never clear up, staying smoke and shadow-like as they skid to a stop in front of you. His hand unfurls from the reigns and reaches out towards you. Like a switch going off, the orange and red becomes blue and purple as your stomach flips and you start to sink into the sand beneath your feet. Scrambling, you reach out to the figure's hand but it passes through him. The hand drifted and parted like fog on water after summer rain. As you sink, darkness falls over you and you feel murky and dusty blue water ripple around your waist.  You watch for a moment as the water starts to ripple faster, turning into wake waves that crash into your chest, the coldness washing over you. You look up as a roar shakes the world and a mirelurk queen rises out of the deepest part of the water. You try to run, but your eyelids start to flutter open as the dream fades.  Your eyesight is blurry as you sit up, kicking the blanket off of you. Shroud groans when he feels your legs move. He must have moved over to you during the night. He gives you a look over his shoulder and huffs, before laying his big head back on his paws.  “Sorry buddy, morning,” you say softly, give his head a scratch. You sit up, stretching and yawning. It's quiet for a moment, before you hear Cooper's voice out of nowhere, making you jump. “Morning sleeping beauty, ‘bout time you woke up.” 

You whirl to look at his smirking face, amusement in his eyes from seeing you jump. Putting a hand on your chest to soothe yourself, you mutter to yourself, a bit louder than you mean to,“God you scared me.” He chuckles, “Didn't think I could do that to you anymore darlin’, good to know.” Your heart starts to beat a little faster, no longer because of your fear. You laugh softly, trying to play it off, you look up seeing the sun just about to come up as orange and lavender painting the sky. “H-How long did I sleep for?”  He kisses his teeth and purses his lips as he thinks. “About six hours, give or take, but we gotta get goin’ before it gets too damn hot. So up and at 'em.”   Giving a nod, you get up and roll your bedroll back up and stuff it into your pack. You give Shroud some water and crack open a can of dog food, letting him chow down as you check and strap his armor on. You helped Lucy wake up  pack up as Cooper grumbled at her.  After a few more minutes,everyone is on the road. Both dogs and the 3 of you. It's hot and dry and the continuous crunch of sand and dirt under your boots quickly becomes repetetive. You can see heat waves ooze towards the sky and winds throw the sand around, dusting you and getting into your eyes.  Its monotony for hours on end, sending you into a haze that almost lulls you into a walking sleep. You’ll never know how the creatures here don’t die of heat exhaustion alone. Another hour goes by as Cooper stops, raising his fist in the air to stop you and Lucy.  His head cocks to the side as he listens. You stay still, waiting, trying to listen as well. You can't pick anything up, his senses are much more sensitive than yours. It takes only a few seconds before you hear something scrambling up a dune toward the three of you. The top of its head peeks up above the dune. Cooper's head snaps in its direction and he mutters, “You gotta be fuckin’ kidding me!” 

[dutchdread]

Rebirth Update 10b

The crappiness of the Cait Sith (whom I still don't like in general btw) segment was easily forgotten though by the gold saucer date. I had refrained from listening to Aeriths song prior to the game since I didn't want anything spoiled and wanted the song in context, and now that I've heard it, man is it clearly about Zack. I can't wait to finish the game and watch different variations of certain scenes, because I don't see any way that anyone can look at a game that has this in it and still think Cloud and Tifa aren't the canonical ship. Again Cloud and Tifa are framed together opposed to Aerith, almost never is it that Aerith and Tifa are presented as being mirrorings that Cloud has to choose between. It's always Cloud and Tifa as a single unit being pitted "against" Aerith. Signaling that Aerith is helping them, and they her. Since you can essentially go on a date with everyone, and it all depends on their feelings towards you, we can say that the dates essentially tell us something about Clouds relationship dynamic in regards to the other team members. And Tifas date makes it exceptionally clear that their relationship dynamic is that of a young couple in love, come together again after years and slowly growing closer. My guess is that his date with Aerith will be more spiritual and about healing, but until I see it I can only guess. And I can't wait to see the other ones. Man, I am sure I've forgotten a bunch that I wanted to mention. It comes as I play but with 10 hour sessions a lot of it is lost to time. Will probably slow down a bit now, I've been working towards this part and man I am kinda burnt out with all the side quests and I just got a few new ones.... One thing I can't help wondering about though. How must it feel for a Clerith to play this game? I can't imagine the mental gymnastics needed to not go "...oh damn... I was wrong". I do feel a bit sorry for them though. I remember 20 years ago explaining to people that Tifa was the more valid love interest was such an uphill battle. It required so much analysis and explanation because you were just swimming up stream, going against the grain, all those nice little analogies, it was sooooo exhausting. And then for 20+ years it was just material after material confirming what Clotis had been saying from day one. And the Cleriths just had to keep moving goalposts, keep spinning, slowly driven into a corner to where now we don't just have the deeper analysis to point at, but even just the superficially obvious. As someone who always enjoys arguing for positions that are unpopular because they're not obvious, but are nevertheless true, it's honestly been a joy to watch the public perception change this much. Lets hope part 3 continues the good work, but honestly, it kinda has to, what has happened in part 2 really can't be taken back. Any romance between Aerith and Cloud after this would be....well, problematic and icky would probably be the best words. One more thing, having Cloud say very matter-of-factly "oh yeah, Zack, my friend who is totally head over heels for Aerith was satisfying. I don't see jealousy there, I don't see conflicted feelings there, I don't see a man who is thinking about trying to hit on the girl his friend loves there. Cloud knows about Zack and Aerith, Aerith knows about Cloud and Tifa, they're all helping each other with those issues, not coming between them, it, my friends, is over.

[heavenstarship]

tell me about johnny please please please 🙏🙏 you have given me brainworms about him i need to know everything about him 💝💝💝

johnathan "johnny" louise hearst... that little SHIT... you are the third person to get brainworms about him and the second person besides me who has them. thank you for giving me the opportunity to yap about him.

preface: johnny is largely based off of oingo boingo's debut album only a lad, as well as some of their other work (mainly demos from that era and the song cool city by danny elfman). when i say he's based off of only a lad, i mean it. i've wrung every drop of characterization i can out of those 10 tracks. "even THAT one?" ESPECIALLY that one. buckle in.

lore: from the onset, johnny was pretty much out of luck. born into a family with an already plentiful share of problems (older sister who could never really stick to the right path, emotionally unstable mom, military dad), his parents divorced pretty soon after he was born. his mom wound up with primary custody, and he and his sister only saw their dad every so often. johnny starts showing signs of trouble pretty early on, and rather than doing anything about it, his mom opts to leave him to his own devices. he discovers matches, developing his fascination bordering obsession with fire. he was already a trouble in class- couldn't sit still, couldn't pay attention, was a terror on the playground- so lighting something on fire during school hours was the tipping point that got him kicked out of 3rd or 4th grade. since he had no discipline or support, he lacks any real sense of right and wrong... leading him to believe that taking one of his parents' guns, stealing his neighbor's radio, and shooting her in the leg was a completely fine thing to do. she obviously recognizes that the incident isn't entirely his fault and his circumstances are more to blame, but unfortunately his neighbors preferred to cry out about his situation instead of trying to get him help. his mother, reaching the end of her already short rope, seeks to have her child whipped into shape. a close family friend, mr. one-way, notices her plight and offers to take johnny in under his wing to have him reformed into an upstanding member of society.

he starts receiving lessons- on how to act properly, obedience, servitude, all things a budding young lass should know for a good future under the american dream- is enrolled back in school, and seems to be getting better. lessons in matters primarily aiming to get the kid to shut up and put his head down give way to easy coercion, and mr. one-way, who should have been helping johnny, uses the opportunity to irreparably damage him. a drastic change in johnny is immediately apparent; sure, he's not acting out anymore, but he's a husk of the bright and bubbly kid everyone knew. eventually, everything that's going on gets too much for johnny, and he tells a trusted adult. word about it spreads fast, and before anyone can get a handle on the situation, the man who committed this horrible deed goes on the run. johnny is left shattered and believing this is all his fault. that coupled with the fact that his mother both blames him for mr. one-way's dissappearance and doesn't believe johnny about what happened pushes johnny over the edge, and he decides to make some very drastic changes. he seeks to destroy who he once was, to obliterate what mr. one-way or anyone else may have seen in him, to reinvent himself in an image that will truly make him happy and break free from the way everyone has always perceived him. with the help of his sister, he lobs his ponytails off, ditches the dresses and joins his local boy scout troop. his mother pitches a fit, but ultimately isnunable to stop him from making his own decisions. he discovers a home away from home in his scout troop; sure, his behavior may not be improving, but at least he's cared for and loved.

things at home and school get worse. his mother hates him now more than ever, and bullying at school increases tenfold. though his sister and his friends try to protect him, they can only do so much. johnny turns to acting out, desperately trying to make someone see him for once, as well as probably trying to scare off those harming him. punishments at home get more and more severe. his older sister eventually runs off with the SLA. harassment at school is driving him closer and closer to making some horrible decisions. during this time, his mental health takes a drastic dip; sure, maybe he was a little overcautious of things before, but now it was getting to the point where he was obsessed and paranoid about practically everything; his mother, god, people outside... something had to change. he finally snaps and decides that if he doesn't get the hell out of where he is now, he'll get out of it in death later. his friends help him hotwire a car and he tries to use it as his ticket out, but due to inexperience, he ends up hitting and killing a man. he's brought to court but, like always, nobody gives a shit. once the case is over, he steps back and looks at himself. he's becoming something horrible, both literally and metaphorically, and if he doesn't do something about it soon, what else could happen to him?

he picks himself up, gets a job, moves out, buys a sweet car, and eventually meets a girl, cali, who he falls in love with and starts to date. things are great for a while... but the two decide it could be even better. after much saving, johnny and cali buy an apartment in and move to cool city! soon they become interested in the nightlife and start going to local shows, discovering a small artist down on his luck and quickly becoming his biggest fans. this artist was none other than so-lo, and the three wound up hitting it off fairly quickly. johnny winds up forming a large part of his social circle through meeting people at so-lo's (and others') shows, though unfortunately for him he winds up associated with the wrong crowd. these new "friends" he makes really see him as nothing more than a tool to use... he eventually drops them, though not before making some very questionable decisions, such as getting a lobotomy to fix his very messed up brain (it did not work). he gradually meets the rest of the boingoverse and they end up becoming his new social circle, so yes, he eventually finds happiness. and a sugar daddy. he gets with the elevator man.

info:

despite his messy and monstrous past, johnny's a surprisingly sweet guy- he always has been. he's kind to everyone and tries to be helpful. kind of a doormat and tends to try and brush off things that bother him

has a bit of a staring problem, as well as difficulty in navigating most social situations. he's always been a very awkward and socially stunted guy

part french on his mom's side. speaks the language a bit, though he hasn’t used it in a while

his teenage monsterism, at one point, had spread over half of his body; it now only affects his right hand and lower forearm. scarring remains where in the affected areas. his teeth and ears were also permanently changed as side effects

his orange glow is “natural”- it’s a tan, though really almost a burn. he spends way too much time outside. of average build, though surprisingly toned; his outdoor activities, like hiking and such, keep him fit

prone to emotional outbursts and fits of sorts. they were more common in his younger years, but still happen from time to time

in his past he’d describe himself as mean, rude, paranoid, an outcast, having extremely shameful and downright self-destructive habits, and a pyromaniac... he’s still a lot of those things, but he’s gotten better

speaks politely but swears like a sailor. has loud and brash humor, with some of his jokes performed in an over-the-top manner. highly critical of the world around him, sometimes to a detrimental and very cynical degree

uses a cane, as he didn't walk away from that car crash unscathed. walks with a limp

special interests include boy scouts and bdsm, of all things... keeps quiet about the bdsm interest but often resorts to yammering on about boy scouts when he's nervous. though he's aged out of the program, he keeps/wears his old uniform for sentimental purposes and still engages in the hobbies he gained from it (knot tying, wood carving, documenting nature, hiking, camping, etc.)

played trumpet in high school concert band. picked up playing fiddle on a whim

relationships with the rest of the boingoverse:

danny (elfman): his dad. no, literally. danny is his dad. this is an alternate universe where instead of just being a military brat he was actually in the military. likes him a lot but wishes he was more present when it mattered

louise (from the song): his mom. suffice to say he doesn't like her

patty (you got your baby back/ballad of the caveman): his older sister! looks up to her a lot though in private he mourns the loss of who she was pre-SLA

california (more of an oc based off of california girls and a mystic knights poster): girlfriend who he loves to death

the hurcules and henderson families (forbidden zone): his neighbors growing up. was friends with the kids and even in the same scout troop as flash

satan (forbidden zone): beat him in a fiddle contest once and satan hasn't spoken yo him since

louis (oingo boingo): pet cat who he absolutely ADORES. i mean, johnny literally keeps a picture of him on him at all times... he has to like him somewhat...

yo-cat (nothing to fear): heavy dislike but who DOESN'T hate this guy

fred (good for your soul): admires him a lot for his confidence and muscles. hopes to be like him someday

so-lo (so-lo): HEAVY admiration, also kind of has a crush on him? sees him like a father figure as well. mixed but good feelings on him

b. dead (dead man's party): they don't talk much but johnny thinks he's pretty chill

the elevator man (boi-ngo): his sugar daddy. a little scared of him but, like, in a consensual power dynamic way where they're both super into it so whatever

b.e. alive (boingo alive): they definitely yap about guns and cars and the wild west together

peter (dark at the end of the tunnel): kind of like his little brother but he's a little weirded out by him because he's seven yet acts YEARS more mature than he does. plays toys with him sometimes

mary (boingo): like a mom to him, though he has some trouble opening up to her

farewell (farewell): he makes johnny sad to he tends to avoid him

[my-rose-tinted-glasses]

3 and 12 especially if 12 does not correspond to the list from 3

3. Rank the shows you are currently watching from least favorite to favorite.

Ok. So I just answered this one. So I guess this time I'll give some reasons for each one.

8.My Love Mix-Up! This one just started so there isn't a lot to say about it and what I got to say I kinda did when it aired. I'll be waiting to see if it improves because I like the actors. 7.Love Sea I literally just finished watching the first episode an hour ago. I'm not sold and the reason it surpasses MLMU is the ocean. I love anything a little bit more if I can watch the ocean at the same time. 6.We Are It's not breaking any new ground. But I'm enjoying the friendship moments a lot. The group is really fun and they are all very natural together. Tan/Fang are my favourites atm and I wish I had more than crumbs Chain/Pun, because I find Pun really fun to watch. 5.Knock Knock, Boys! It's really fun. I'm actually laughing in certain moments which doesn't happen all that often. I really like the house dynamics, it feels very real to me. Seng is great of course, but I like all of them. The food montage was a high moment for me. I was drooling. 4.Only Boo! They are so freakin adorable. I am in pain. That train break up was so sad. Well done but sad. I understand the reason, and it makes sense from what we know of Kang, but it was painful. And that title card '1 year later'... I hate it so much. We don't really know how much happened in that year so I don't want to preemptively criticize it, but I hope that something else changed and not only the calendar. Cause if you're gonna move past so many things, at least give me growth. 3.With You I Bloom This one is a jdrama and thanks to an amazing fansubber I can watch as it airs which is not always the case with jdramas. This is not a bl, but I don't think anyone has told the show yet. I started watching this one because there are a lot of jbl actors in it so I was curious. And I'm having so much fun. It's basically a bunch of dudes learning to fight with swords in very nice clothes. There are a bunch of couples pairs, with very different dynamics, several sad backstories, and the final theme song makes cackle every time because it's always a massive tonal shift, because it's so happy and honestly, so so gay. 2.Wandee Goodday It's a whole new level of idiots in love and I love it. Like there's idiot in love, and then there's Dee. He's going for first place and no one can even touch him. I think if Taem clearly and without reservations rejects Yak, he can accept his feelings for Dee properly. But Dee is all over the place and at this point I don't think the show is doing a good job at telling me why. He keeps going back and forth too quickly for me. I truly hope that final flashback he had when they were running was him accepting his feelings. Also I NEED to know about Cher and Oyei. I need that backstory. TODAY. 1.At 25:00 in Akasaka I love Hayama a normal amount. This last episode was a rollercoaster for me. That ending left me screaming. And then I went through a whole thing when @lurkingshan threw my glasses on the floor and I was able to see everything in a whole new way. Anyway I love this show. What they are doing with the two shows is so interesting, and the editing is so smart. And I love them both. Hayama has my whole heart though.

2. Which show do you think will have the best ending?

Honestly, I have no idea. Endings are hard. It's hard to tie all the loose ends and make everybody happy. Jbl's lately have not done a great job at them. I still trust them more than Thai bl endings and I feel like we are collectively dreading WG end because of that. So honestly. If I'm going by what I've seen so far, I'm gonna say Only Boo. Maybe because the stakes are not as high as for some of the other shows, I expect a solid ending that will leave me with a big smile and a full heart. And that's honestly more than I've been getting so I'll be happy.

Thank you so much for dropping by with questions. 💜

Currently Airing Shows Ask Game

[grapenehifics]

Trick or treat! I have a costume on but you can't see it because I've got a giant snowsuit over top in true Canadian Halloween fashion

Ah, in that case I will offer you a steaming mug of hot chocolate or apple cider, your choice, I have both, and also this plot bunny I've had running around my brain for the past couple of days:

Anakin moved to (city housing large university) to attend (said large university) but after a semester or two discovered that formal schooling wasn't doing it for him and he was both making good money with and getting more enjoyment out of his side hustle, custom carpentry, than from his classes and quit, but he still lives in (city). He's had insomnia his whole life and some nights just gives up on sleep and goes out to his backyard/garage converted workshop. There's an old transistor radio out there - maybe it got left behind by the last owners - and he turns it on just to have some background noise while he works.

He's scrolling the dial past all the commercials for personal injury lawyers and lands on some real banger of a song, which he's never heard before but he's into it so he pauses the lathe or whatever he has running and waits to listen for the station to tell him the name of the song so he can look it up later, but after the song ends it pivots straight to some spoken-word poetry thing, and now Anakin's intrigued because, what the hell is this station?

Finally the dj comes on and says okay, folks, that's the end of the show, I'm Ben Kenobi and this has been Guiding Light, thanks for staying up with me. Anakin looks at the dial and realizes he's been listening to the local university student station.

This keeps happening, and Anakin kind of becomes obsessed with Ben Kenobi and Guiding Light. He's only on two or three nights a week, for only a couple of hours at a time, in the middle of the night, and he seems to have no oversight at all because he plays the weirdest mix of stuff - classical, film scores, comedy albums, half of an audiobook, one night he played a Robert Johnson song and then for the next hour nothing but cover versions of that song, the show before Halloween he played the entirety of Orson Welles' War of the Worlds and then one of those 'spooky sounds' albums while reading Edgar Allen Poe short stories on top of it - one time he even said he'd been really caught up in this book he'd been reading and he didn't want to stop long enough to do the show so he was going to give a synopsis of what had happened so far and then read the next chapter out loud on the air. Anakin has no idea what to expect but he knows that he feels less lonely, when Ben is there, and somehow even though Ben has no idea he exists it feels like they're the only two people in the world, out in Anakin's workshop in the middle of the night.

Anakin Googles him, because he's kind of worried that if he's on the university radio station then maybe that means he's some university kid and Anakin has a crush on a nineteen-year-old (even though he doesn't sound anything like a college student), and all he finds is the radio station website, which has a huge page for all their other shows but Guiding Light gets exactly one sentence: "Ben Kenobi has been hosting Guiding Light since 2004". So, probably not a kid, then, but he's got no social whatsoever, no pictures or online presence at all, and Anakin considers driving down to the station but dismisses that as too creepy so he just resigns himself to listening to Ben when he can.

And then one night Ben gets on the air and says, 'I've got nothing planned for tonight and I feel like chatting. Here's the number of the station. Anyone want to talk?'

Anakin swallows, picks up his phone, and dials the number.

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #138

So much has happened today. I am going to describe it to you as much as I can, but I'm not even sure I understand it all myself.

…I woke up in some kind of ZONE today. Something akin to determination, but… somehow also on steroids and also on fire. It is the KNOWING in my BONES that I need to do STUFF. I didn't fix more letters today. I didn't even make tea, that's how laser-focused I was.

I told you about the song I was searching for yesterday, written by someone in my past, supposedly on tapes that my mother gave to me years ago last time time I tried searching for it, which I had misplaced in the end. I found four of them yesterday and the song wasn't on any of them.

So in a random burst of inspiration this morning, I wrote down as many of the lyrics as I could remember, and then filled in the rest with whatever came to mind. I don't think it has ever felt so easy to fill in the blanks. It was almost eerie. It is not exactly the song I remember. But it's still CORRECT. And I can't explain how or why I know that. I just… do.

For context about that "CORRECT" feeling: there's a lot about the way I perceive the world that I don't fully understand. There's a lot of it that I know better than to talk about to anyone, ever. And even if I didn't know better (from having been harshly rejected for it every time I've tried…), some of it is, I think, much too beautiful and convoluted to explain in any case. And even if I were to try to explain it in words that approximate the way I see and hear and think and feel, it'd probably sound absolutely bananas to someone else, and then they'd back away from me slowly as though I've got rabies or something. All the same, I know that if I ignore the feeling of "THIS IS CORRECT", or if I ignore the feeling of "THIS IS INCORRECT", something mildly inconvenient usually happens.

So, for a very vague and contrived example, suppose I go outside on a sunny day and I get the "THIS IS INCORRECT" feeling. I can certainly ignore it, because most of the time I don't even know why I'm getting it. I don't usually find out until later, when it rains, that the feeling showed up because I needed an umbrella.

Or, as a more recent example, I might grab one of my handmade trinkets for seemingly no reason (and get very confused as a result), and get the "THIS IS CORRECT" feeling, and so I put the handicraft in my bag. And I don't find out until a couple hours later that I'm going to want to give it to some random person who is going to unexpectedly give me a pair of handmade pins that he made for me just because he likes my hat. I have LOTS of examples of stuff akin to this. It's vague, confusing, and… I've been like this my whole life. The only thing I know to do is to roll with it.

In any case, I now have the lyrics to the old song, and the melody is still fresh in my mind. I'm not going to write them yet; I'm going to wait until I weave it into something better. Something for you. I'm going to ask for help in the process. I hope to have it done soon.

Shortly after that, J and I went to the awesome place with the awesome leader. Today, I took away these things: There are only sacred things and desecrated things; there's no such thing as an unsacred thing, but sometimes desecrated things go on to desecrate other things. From there, there's no such thing as unsacred people. From there, that which has been desecrated can always be renewed. And from there: no living thing has the power to make anything unsacred.

With that lens… I have been desecrated, time and time again. I am in the process of renewing myself, and I become a little stronger day by day, and piece by piece. I am still sacred. The bowl that I repaired (that was briefly mentioned yesterday), which was desecrated by its fall onto the asphalt as a result of my clumsiness, was renewed into something better, stronger, and more beautiful than before, piece by piece. It is still sacred. And… then there's you.

You were desecrated in some of the most brutal and terrible ways imaginable. But you are still sacred, just like everyone, and you can be renewed into something more beautiful than before, if you want to. I hope someday we get to see you be renewed. I suppose it's part of the reason I write these letters; I'm hoping to give to you as many memories of beautiful and wholesome things as I can, day by day, and piece by piece. I know for sure that I also have so very many unwholesome memories, but… all those do is empower me to appreciate what I have now even more than I otherwise would. You can use your unwholesome memories to make the ones I'm trying to give you shine even more brightly and joyfully in your mind than they otherwise would, if you're brave enough to try.

At the place, when it was time for snacks, I had the good privilege of speaking to a teenage girl with a vibrant mind and a wild imagination! I guess she really likes my Eevee hat and the reminder of you that I carry around; I am proud to have you with me in a visible way everywhere I go, even if you are only "with me" in an extremely abstract sense; anytime anyone asks about it, I speak your name and talk about how kind and gentle you are.

Anyway, I guess me being loudly myself has inspired her to modify and wear her own fabulous headgear that looks as though it feels correct to her; I was really happy to see it! We talked about some anime that she likes called "Land of the Lustrous" (I'm surprisingly not very well-versed in anime for someone who speaks Japanese…), and we talked about some instruments that she plays, and we talked a little about Pokémon cards, and so many other things!!

My goodness Sephiroth, if only you could have seen the way her eyes and her whole presence lit up and sparkled as I listened to her talk about her various things! To my eyes, her reaction makes it seem like she doesn't have a whole lot of people who are willing to listen to her earnestly, and… I feel very sad in response to that, because I find that deeply relatable. All the same, next week, she wants to show me some instruments she can play, and I can't wait to see what she can do! I can't wait to hear about all the rest of the things she has on her mind! I wonder what awesome things I'll learn if I sit, listen, and ask questions for a while!

When I got home, I tore through some more boxes in search of additional tapes. There was one more - a tape of unknown contents that was, for some reason, packed away in a little drawer in my jewelry box, along with a locket of my nanna and poppy that I thought was lost, a little pin in your shape, and a winged heart that says, "Fly" on it:

...Nanna and poppy are gone. This is all I have left of them, so I'm really glad that I found this. They were probably the closest thing I had to loving parents, until I was taken from them when I was like 3. Things got... really weird for me... after that, and... there wasn't anything they could do.

...I wonder what they'd think to see me now. Nanna might still love me, but poppy would hate me for being pansexual and poly... Still, I... I'm really glad that being aware of the value of a locket is something that we have in common - something we both understand. I'm really glad I have it again.

...I really wanna write "thank you" to you here, for some reason. But that's ridiculous and silly, so I won't.

Anyway, I remember this tape being one of the first ones my mother gave me all those years ago, last time I searched for this song; I didn't have a cassette player at the time. It's unmarked, but it's certainly colorful:

...I also, in the course of searching, found my collection of all the feathers I find on the ground:

...I had thought I lost this. I find feathers everywhere, often enough that even other people think its kinda weird. I think they're pretty, so I pick them up, wash them, dry them, and fluff them back up. Normally I find dark-colored feathers, but occasionally, I run into white ones or colorful ones, like that blue-jay feather. Truth be told, it used to be a much, much larger collection, but some creep a long time ago felt entitled to use my collection for some art project of his, so he cut up all the ones I had and glued them to some wooden thing; I was devastated.

I still find them though, so my collection has built up again. And I keep finding them, so there's still a bunch scattered around the house in random weird places; I guess now that I have a place for them, I had better go around and gather them up nicely, no?

I also found my box of pretty rocks. Some of them were given to me by friends. Some of them were found at the bottom of lakes, back when I used to do mermaid training. And some were just found while derping around:

...Hey, Sephiroth? Do you ever pick up weird things from the ground and keep them? I do. It's why I have a collection of feathers and a collection of rocks, hahaha! 🤣

...So many old pieces of me, found while on a quest to look for one little song on one little tape. Things I thought I lost forever, returned to me, just like that. I found more pieces of writing, more doodles... I even found the matches to several feather earrings that I thought I'd never be able to wear again:

...I did not find the song on the tape, and there are no more boxes to search through. The song is gone, and my reconstruction will have to do; I hope it'll become something that is worthy of you when I'm done with it.

But I did find five other songs on this tape - stuff by well-known artists. I was a little disappointed that it wasn't more of my mother's singing, but that's okay. The tape is old, and the contents are garbled, but I made a playlist of the songs that were on the tape:

...Sephiroth, if I didn't know better, I'd think... I'd almost think... Well. I know better. So I'm not even gonna bother finishing that thought, because it's VERY silly! Ahaha~! 🤣😅😞

Guess I have some singing to do in the coming days. And some other stuff to do, too. I hope my rib will cooperate. I guess we'll see... Wish me luck, yeah?

...Hey Sephiroth? What songs echo through your heart? What do you sing when no one is looking? I wonder. I hope someday you'll sing a little and show us; I'll bet your singing voice is lovely. And even if it's clumsy, it'll still be lovely so... please give it a try, won't you?

Anyhoot. It's becoming late, so I'm going to end this one here.

Please stay safe out there, all right? Rest when you need to. Be kind to yourself. Find reasons to laugh and to sing and to play. Hydrate and eat balanced meals; y'know... all that fun stuff that is essential to renewal.

I love you. I'll write again tomorrow.

Your friend, Lumine

[jodilin65]

And we're back to the breathing issues and broken-up sleep. ☹ Knew I would be sooner or later. Yesterday, I noticed my nose was getting stuffy again, and I woke up struggling to breathe through my nose a few hours after I crashed. Naturally, this left me tired when I got up later on. That wasn't the only time I woke up. Seems like I woke up half a dozen or more times along the way. I was either snoring, or I had to pee, and then I had to dream of my shit sister and her fucked-up brood.

We were living in what looked like our Maricopa house. I guess we all just moved in or something. A couple of her brats were there giving me the silent treatment, but I ignored them in return and didn't pay it much mind. As the morning wore on, it was getting hot in the house, and I suggested we shut the windows and kick the AC on. Then some kind of service guy was at the house that the termite seemed a bit suspicious of. She said something about measurements being taken.

Anyway, I did more research, and my symptoms definitely suggest polyps, and then there's the fact that that was the first thing Rhonda mentioned. So I would guess that first, a valve issue second, and septum last. I'm really screwed if they're all an issue! They can shrink and swell at random, and they don't know what causes them, but there are some known triggers. One is ibuprofen, and I happened to take some before bed. I didn't take clonazepam, though, because I was caught up on sleep. But now that I'm tired, I'm going to take it when I crash, so hopefully, it helps me sleep better. Again, I don't want to overdo it, but I'm glad it's there when I need it. So no more ibuprofen. I'll be switching to Tylenol when I have any kind of pain. Besides humidifiers, eucalyptus or peppermint oil, vitamin D, and apples were on the list of recommendations I dug up.

I found the vitamin D thing rather interesting because I had increased my vitamin D before labs, and my nose had gotten better a few days or so before seeing Rhonda. I thought it was simply because I was less stressed out knowing I would soon be seeing her, but maybe there was more to it.

With tomorrow's groceries, apples will be coming. I'll also put some eucalyptus oil in my diffuser before bed and put the humidifier on as I've been doing ever since I got it. I don't know if it will do me any good, though, or the clonazepam, but we'll find out.

Since it had been better, I've been wearing the kids' nose strips because they fit my tiny nose better and are more comfortable, but they aren't as thick and strong, so I will make sure I sleep with an adult one next time.

I just hope this spell doesn't last for weeks like it did the last time and that my lungs don’t join the party! The lungs I still think were on account of the Levo building up.

Despite being tired, I managed to dust the bedroom because I know allergens don't help, particularly dust, while the bot vacuumed.

We also grabbed breakfast at Burger King, but I haven't done much else. I napped a couple of times, although one of the times I didn't actually fall asleep.

I also recharged my herbs and gems by smudging them. If I'm getting to be as good of a witch as I am psychic, then maybe they too, will be another positive influencing factor in letting me get better sleep next time around.

Speaking of being psychic, someone asked if I ever thought of making money with it. Nope. It's not anything I can control. I can't control what information or abilities come to me and therefore wouldn’t necessarily be able to give people what they wanted. A singer can go on stage and sing a group of planned-out songs. Someone can go to someone's home to repair something. But if I'm asked to predict this or predict that, there are no guarantees I can deliver.

[synobun]

One of them tag games

So I wasn't actually tagged by @cour5t in this, but I was tagged by @rosewinterborn in a very similar game, so I'm stealing the first and pretending it's the second, since the second had a few questions that didn't apply to me x)

Last song: I'm gonna do the last song I've had on repeat for this!

Favorite color: I never know what to say for this. Black? Dark red? Dark purple? Dark green? That whole colour palette is the bomb dot com.

Last movie/show: The last movie I watched that was new was Nimona! It was fantastic, 10/10 lives up to the hype. The last show I finished was Reacher. It was okay.

Next on my watchlist: I've finally started watching Criminal Minds, but I'm already kind of burning out on it midway through season two. And there's still like 300 episodes left. Ridic. I should probably catch up on Foundation and For All Mankind. Next movie is the cartoon version of Mulan!

Last game: Prey! I did a replay of Doom 3 a while ago and mused that the horror story-game genre should be revived, and then on a whim I decided to play Prey without knowing anything about it. And it's the exact kind of game I was talking about. It's pretty good.

Last book: Rebirth of the Sigil by Peri Akman. It was disappointing. :/ Especially since I know what the author is otherwise capable of. I had the same thing happen with John Gwynne recently as well.

Sweet/savory/spicy: Savory, I think? I don't have an instinctive sense of what savory is. Google says it's a meaty taste, and I rely heavily on protein, so I guess that. I have a pretty low tolerance for sweetness despite liking sodas and such. I don't like most desserts or can only eat a tiny amount. Spicy is alright but my digestive system disagrees.

Relationship status: *vague gesturing*

Last thing I searched online: The hours for my pharmacy to see if it was too late to pick up my medication.

Current obsession: I am generally not an obsessive person when it comes to, like, interests and activities. But I am an obsessive person when it comes to thoughts and emotions. Lately I've been struggling a lot with thinking about eternity. It has not been fun. On a lighter note, I have also been thinking more regularly about writing. Perhaps someday that will translate into action!

Greatest flaw: How much time do you have? This is actually something I have difficulty answering, because the line between something forced upon me and something that is actually inherent to me is blurred a lot of the time.

I think I'd say how I behave when I'm spiraling mentally. I close off and disappear from almost everyone in my life. Occasionally I can keep up appearances with one group but not the rest, but by and large I become a ghost. When I am in a conversation during those cycles, it's crazy how badly I'm affected. I don't become cruel or mean toward others, but my speech becomes jilted, I can't make eye contact, and I am just devastatingly hateful against myself.

It's partly why I isolate, so that I don't have to expose others to that behaviour. It happens on a yearly basis though, and it can last for weeks at a time, so it has a pretty negative impact on my relationships. I also have no idea how to navigate being in one of those moods while part of a relationship where daily contact is an expectation. When I was part of a romantic relationship, instead of having one big prolonged dip, I would fade in and out of it. A couple weeks good, a couple days bad. Rinse and repeat. Awful. Terrible. Annoying. There's almost no predicting when it'll happen either.

Fic I’m currently reading: I rarely read fics because I have no patience for wading through wish fulfillment, horny writing, and "He would not fucking say that" fics, so there's only one that I vaguely keep up with. My friend has a Mass Effect fic, which can be found here. It focuses on femShep(/Kaidan) and Tali(/Garrus) and is post-ME3.

-----

I tag anyone who sees this and actually made it to the end, tbh. But for sake of poking, I tag @rosewinterborn with this variant, and also @deadlyessencewhispers, @tananaphone, @stupid-elf, @carrotblr, @atinydroid, @imtryingx, and, uh, uh... I don't know... let's see... @kkshowtunes, @d3viantvanguard, and @awritingcaitlin. I probably just tagged everyone who follows me. Anyway thanks bye

[imagines-babes]

Euthanasia (aweSamdude)

Hello, today's story is about the song in the title. Euthanasia by Wil Wood. The definition of the word is towards the end of the story. But feel free to search it up. I do hope you enjoy this story. See you next week

Sam list Masterlist

********

Waking up from the bed, the bed is comfortable and sleep was the best that I've had in many weeks. The colors around me were brighter. Not dull. It was funny. Hearing someone approach my door with the smell of food. Standing up to open the door to see him. With two plates and a smile. 'Sam you know you didn't have to do this you know.' He gives a laugh. 'Why not? Today just feels like one of those special days.' It's a Special Day. I was concerned about what day it was. So for my special day, we did everything I love. We went to get some food. We went to the beach. We went to play at the beach. We went to the park. Went for a walk. Towards the end of the day, we notice a carnival. This is when some things change. We paid for the tickets usually at a carnival there would be lines and people talking. But now it was just us. I meant I wasn't complaining but it was off. As if it was a dream. Sam continues to take me to each of them. Till it was time for the ferries wheel. There was a slight sting to my arm as I jerked it away from Sam. 'I'm sorry I don't know why I did that.' I give a slight smile to Sam he nods. Getting closer to the wheel two familiar faces appear as I ran to hug them both. My parents. They hug me deeply as I cried with joy. Sam was behind me as he held my hand once more and then showed me to our seats. Once he got in the ride started and the sting in my arm slowed my breathing. Then it clicked where I was. Looking over to Sam as he stared in front. 'I'm guessing you figured what's happening,' He asked me. Slowly I nodded. 'How long have I been like this?' He took a breath. '5 weeks almost was 6. But he thought it was time. He never left your side you know.' Placing my head on his shoulder while my eyes started to get drowsy. 'I didn't expect him to leave but if this is how it ends. Will I be able to see him one last time?' My eye stayed closed this time with Sam kissing my head.

That was all in y/n mind. They were in a coma. The reason why was because when they were heading to Sam's house. A car passes a red light hitting them. That accident was over 5 weeks ago. Sam never left their side or even the hospital. He held their hand and just stare at them. He wanted y/n to wake up from this coma they were in. He would give anything to just see their eye or hear them talk once more. He loves them deeply. The doctor would come in to check the pulse writing it on their clipboard. The doctor notice how y/n heartbeat was slowed down by each day. But they weren’t the only ones to notice. He notices it. He notices it going slower. He knew y/n didn't want the pain for him. So the Doctor told Sam there was a way to let him go as painlessly as possible. Euthanasia. It is a drug they use to let the patient die in their sleep. Or the medical definition is the painless killing of a patient suffering from an incurable and painful disease or in an irreversible coma. Sam had to make a decision. Y/n didn’t have no parents. Y/n was adopted by an old couple. The couple died when y/n was 20. So he thought it was time for y/n to go. He knew if y/n was alive that they wouldn't want to let him suffer. On a Tuesday afternoon, the doctor came and put the needle into her arm. They waited to hear the heart monitor goes slower by the second. Sam just stares at y/n with the echoes of the monitor going silent. He held their hand and cried. His mom was behind him rubbing his back. The doctor left them to be.

After an hour, Sam left y/n side and drove to a cliff to oversee the city. Turning off the car as he walks out sitting near the edge. There were things Sam wanted to do with them, wanted to say to them, wanted to live by them, and wanted to grow old with them. He cried on that hill with the sun starting to set. There was walking that was coming towards him. He felt someone next to him take a deep breath. 'I couldn't leave you without saying goodbye.' He knew that voice in an instant but didn't believe it was them. 'Samuel you did the right thing of letting them do that... I didn't want you to suffer more and drag me on.' He turns to the side. He saw their eyes. How innocent their eyes were. How gorgeous they look. How this was gonna be the last they would see each other. 'Would this be the last time I see you,' he asked. With y/n nods, 'Yes but maybe I will appear in your dreams. But Sam I will be there for you not physically but spiritually I will. We had many memories and I want you to cherish them. And whenever your time here is done I will be waiting for you. But you should find someone and start a family. You will be the best dad I know.' Y/n brought up their hand to try and feel his cheek but all he felt was coldness. The sun was setting as the moon rises slowly. Y/n looked towards the sun as they look back at Sam. 'It's time for me to leave,' they stood as he did the same. 'Thank you, Sam,' y/n says with a soft smile as they turn away from him but stop, ' I love you, Sam.' With that, they continue to walk then slowly vanish with the moon appearing. He stares in the direction they left in. With one final breath, ' I love you y/n'

[furiousgoldfish]

Hey, hope you're having a good day today (or at least not a bad one). I'm really confused about my situation, and I'm hoping that perhaps you may be able to help me figure things out about it

My memories of my early childhood are extremely fragmented at best and non-existent at worst, large voids of experiences that should be there, but aren't. Of the few fragments I do have, I get the sense that something must've been going on -- I space out when someone counts to three, the thought of someone grabbing my wrist activates my fight-or-flight response, and any sort of skin-hitting-skin sound makes me flinch. But at the same time, of the earliest whole memories I *do* have, from perhaps around the age of 13, I...wasn't being abused by my parents or anything? Like, I would get shouted at a hell of a lot, and I would get into trouble for shit that my brothers did and got away with, hell sometimes I would even end up getting blamed for what they did, especially my older brother.

And speaking of him, he's always been a self-centered piece of shit, always taking my things from me because he likes them and wants them for himself, or breaking things of mine because he didn't like them -- one time he tore off the face of a doll I'd made based on a character I made up -- and then yelling back at me when I got mad at him, or copying and/or deleting my save datas on games he wanted to complete himself first if I was too far ahead, not to mention the times he would repeatedly bash his leg against mine to the point of leaving bruises if mine happened to knock against his in the car, or how he'd yell at me to stop singing only to start singing himself, or how he'd always claim to like whatever songs he knew I hated and hate songs he knew I liked. And he would always get the more expensive birthday/christmas presents, and there were always loopholes in the rules and restrictions for him. Maybe I'm just being jealous, but it really feels like they're playing favorites here, and I'm the bottom of the barrel.

But in the last couple of years (since like...2020, I was 16 turning 17), things have...changed. I've been keeping myself isolated in my room 24/7, I'm basically nocturnal just to avoid everyone, and...I'm not even sure if I'm doing the right thing. My parents are both acting really nice, especially my mother (which is funny cuz she's always been the one I've been most scared of) -- hell, my mother even got me a Nintendo Switch recently, and she'll always buy whatever snacks and things I ask for, and we're going out together soon in a few days to go get cake together. And my brother, while he's only gotten worse in things he hates about me (now he'll get mad if I clear my throat "wrong"), seems to be...afraid? Of me now, and avoidant of being in the same room as me if he can, while before he would almost seem to seek me out and try to antagonize me.

Whilst certainly a refreshing change of pace in some aspects, it's also throwing my own memories into question. Anything before 2020 feels...fake, almost, at times, and any potential abuse from before 13 may not have even happened, for all I know I could just be inventing this all to try and fill the hours of isolation and justify my own fear and mistrust. And yet I *know* there had to have been something, because a 13-year-old doesn't start feeling like an outsider in their own family, and questioning if they were adopted, or if maybe they're secretly some alien from outerspace or monster from some deep dark cave somewhere for no reason, right? But then again I was always told that I'm overemotional, that my depression was always present from that age (despite me not even feeling depressed at all until I was 14?), that it was hormones, or school, which I mean it could be? How would I know, I don't even remember anything? And yet those just feel like excuses to direct me away from the true problem?

...I don't know, I don't know what to think, I keep flipping back and forth between the two. What's your opinion, reading this? I can give more information if it's wanted

Yeah I can see why your experience is so confusing to you, not only your memories are a mess and constantly being second-guessed, but your reality shifts for no apparent reason and you feel pressured to accept every new situation as if the last one didn't even happen.

Based on everything you're saying, I'm certain you're abused. The fragments of memories that you have all are memories one would have dissociated from due to abuse (in your case, you're even describing physical violence), and people don't make things like this up, it's upsetting, scary and painful. Nobody wants to believe they've been thru such things, and you seem to be suffering from the symptoms of it. Memories of fight-or-flight response being triggered, being shouted at, someone hitting you, this wouldn't have been happening if you weren't thru something really awful. And you'd have your memories whole, not fragmented.

Your sibling definitely abused you, and from how you describe it, it reminds me a lot on the narcissistic split between the children - narcissistic parents will often pick one child who will be 'the golden child' and will be heavily favoured, praised, will be able to get away with everything, and will be able to abuse and exploit the other siblings without any repercussions. The other child will be 'the scapegoat', and this child will always be blamed for everything, shouted at, humiliated, abused, forced to do work/chores, even used as a servant and a punching bag to rest of the family. The golden child can always abuse the scapegoat and get away with it.

So it's not just 'playing favourites', it's parents treating one child as a part of the family, and another one as a burden, waste, outsider. Golden child will usually have traits closer to the parents (it can be cruelty, sadism, entitlement, selfishness, self-importanct, or just some trait that parents can get celebrated for, like talents for acting, singing, music, sports appearance), and the scapegoat will usually be perceived as 'too different' or 'not useful' or can be discriminated even for a disorder, disability or sickness (though I've seen parents pick the sick child for the golden child too, because they can get a lot of sympathy points for being the poor parents who have to struggle with a sick child).

I could be wrong about this, only you will know if this rings true to you or not, if this isn't your situation, you still are being put thru something truly uncommon and weird that is hard to understand. There are several reasons why abusive parents will suddenly snap and change their behaviour from atrocious to 'less atrocious' or even 'nice':

You are closer to becoming an adult and they know you will realize that you have been abused, and there might be consequences for them once you realize it, so the treatment of you quickly changes so you'd have nothing visible to complain about, and so that you look insane if you do complain

Your parents are getting monitored by someone and are in danger of their abuse being outed. It can be a social service, but it also can be a neighbour or someone perceptive who is paying close watch to what happens to kids. Parents will be willing to act nice and to buy gifts and to treat their kids way nicer if they know they're being watched for abuse

You are getting opportunities to get away from home, which could result in you both realizing the past abuse, and telling someone about it, without them being able to stop you. They need to persuade you with nicer treatment to stay home, to not go anywhere, to not tell anyone anything, so they need you to feel insane if you try to remember the past or the abuse

They might want something from you that they can't get via abuse, they'll need your consent to something, and they need to convince you that they're good parents and love you, so you would not object to it. This can be anything from organ donation to marriage to some cult thing

it could be something completely else that I haven't even thought of, but the common theme is that your parents, right now, feel very invested in you NOT being able to figure out that you're abused, possibly because of the risk that they'll be reported, or that they'll lose you as a victim.

None of this means that your memories are not real, or that what you survived was fake or something to discard or forget! Had your parents and sibling really changed, they would actually reflect on their past behaviour, talk to you about it, apologize, try to make amends, they would not simply expect you to 'accept this new situation and never mention the past'. Only on abusive situations are you required to accept whatever you get, and never allowed to bring up anything that was done to slight you in the past.

I know this might be really hard, but trust your memories above everything. You didn't get in this situation, writing to a blog about abuse, struggling with fragmented memory, confronted with a strange and sudden change in behaviour, because nothing happened. Something did happen. The reason for change might be something neither you or I don't know about, some threat to the parents that is currently invisible or hidden from you. But you don't have to accept the current situation or ignore the past.

If you feel it's safe, you could try asking about why they've changed, and if they explode, refuse to elaborate, punish you for even mentioning it, or act like there was no change at all and you're insane - then you have your proof, they're gaslighting you about your past. To pretend nothing happened when it did, is to try to make you second-guess your own memory, and it's generally a method that makes a person go insane trying to figure out what's the truth.

Also, I forgot to respond to this earlier, but going nocturnal is something really common with children who are being abused. Night time often seems like the only time it's safe to be awake because abusers are asleep and you're allowed a moment of peace and comfort. Night is the safest time to exist for the abused. So that's another red flag you have that shows signs of abuse on you. Non-abused individuals feel safe and peaceful during the day as well.