#i've done a LOT of self reflection the past week

[yuriio]

growth is knowing he sees me as the villain in his story even though i did all that he asked of me, and still allowed him to end it between us peacefully

[l4long-winded]

i really wanna see carmy groveling 🤭 might be fun, after a fight or something

how cruel... i like the way you think! i tried to write him as close to his character here while still adding in that groveling element. i hope i've done it justice!

o.s. a guilty heart's plea(s)

summary: carmen's said some unforgivable things to you. and yet here he is at your doorstep, pleading for you to forgive him (carmen berzatto x afab!reader)

reflection: as much as i pride myself in my ability to write scenes and descriptions, i still struggle a lot with making dialogue sound good while flowing with my writing. i think this has been good practice for me to really get inside this character's head and see what he could possibly say with a prompt as heavy as this. this took me about a week to write so i really hope i gave it the time and energy it deserves. thank you all for reading and feedback is always welcomed, appreciated, and encouraged!

warnings: cursing, angst, established relationship, implied smut, reminiscing, they're on a break, inner monologue, carmen's pov, rambling, self-loathing, carmen pleading, inability to express feelings, apologies, missed calls, insecurities, acts of service, sydney sweeney mention, smoking, somewhat happy ending (please let me know if there are other warnings i need to add)

word count: 2,132

( this work has been cross-posted to ao3 )

Carmen knocks on the screen door ahead of him. It’s his seventh time doing so, the clattering and aggravating sound of metal reverberating against the second door behind that one. Dust coats his knuckles because it transferred from the opaque metal, a small spot shinier than the rest of the door because he continued to rap at the same area. Maybe he should clean it for you later if you actually decide to speak to him again. His hands fidget at his sides, clenching and releasing, staring blankly as he thinks of all the times he’s come over. For his first initial visit, you unlocked the door, gave him a cautious glance over your shoulder, and then led him inside. During the second time, you held his hand as you stepped past the threshold, squeezing it in reassurance.

On Valentine’s Day, when he surprised you with an assortment of flowers from the farmer’s market, you greeted him with a deep kiss, tugging the collar of his shirt to pull him inside of your house. He didn’t show any resistance, blindly following your lead, dropping off the flowers onto your couch as your hands lifted his shirt, and your mouths departed from one another for a smidgen of a second before they found each other again, more impassioned and desperate.

“Open the door, come on, I’m sorry,” he says, more so to himself than your screen door. He’s been close to shouting at it this entire time, making his pleas, encouraging you to open it for him so he can have a discussion with you face-to-face.

He’s called you plenty of times. Each one has either rang for as long as the line allowed or went straight to voicemail. Two weeks have passed without seeing each other. Two long weeks of unanswered text messages he’s sent day by day and missed calls clogging up your phone’s notifications. You’re ignoring him and he knows he deserves it, guilty as the hand in the cookie jar, but he still can’t shake this overwhelming feeling inside of him to see you again. The albums dedicated to you in his gallery are not enough to satisfy this. His fingers twitch every time he swipes at an image and relives the sensation of running them along your skin. That’s when his nose begins to miss the scent that clings to your neck. That’s when his ears long to hear the lilt of your laughter and that particular way you say his name. That’s when his tongue rejects the nicotine and implores him for a taste of your chapstick, or the bubblegum flavor lingering in your mouth greeting him after a shift at work, or the giggles you fall into as he chases the subtle pecks you graciously feed him.

The door behind the one he’s attending to opens. There you are. He can’t see you since the sun is positioned right behind him, warming his back as it sets into the background. At most, he makes out the silhouette of your frame, recognizable to his eyes as he’s acquainted himself with every curve and slope of you, but he’s aware you fully see him on the other side. He wonders if you’re able to tell how little he’s slept since a look in the mirror this morning painted the picture of an exhausted man through dark rings under his eyes and a slackened jaw.

“What do you want, Carmen?” You ask. Not Carmy. Not Bear. Not any of that cheesy shit Richie pokes fun at him for. Carmen. He’s not sure whether he’s relieved to hear the sound of your voice or offended he’s lost every sweet moniker you’ve bestowed upon him.

“To talk,” he explains quickly, “I just want to talk. If you want me to fuck off, then,” he inhales sharply. It would kill him if you told him to fuck off, but he’s also not about to make you uncomfortable for an issue he caused. “Then I’ll fuck off.”

Unlike Carmen, you’re not rapidly firing away sentences in response to him. You’re quiet for a beat and it’s rather agonizing for him because even though there’s only a door separating the two of you, you’re still so far out of his reach. He’s tempted to cup his hands over his eyes and look past the individual holes of the door to check if you’re still there.

“Go ahead,” you say, interrupting his thoughts and refuting his fear you’ve stalked back inside your living room.

“Talk.”

He gulps. He was hoping to at least do this without a barrier in the way, but he’s not about to fumble the one opportunity and chance you’ve given him after two weeks of nothing. He’d be a fool to.

“Fuck… I…” Well, this is off to a great start. He tries to think about the texts he’s sent. He had time to sit down and write out apologies and yet none of them are splurging onto his tongue to save him the awkward discomfort currently stirring in his stomach.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for what I said,” Can you let me figure this shit out without breathing down my fucking neck ringing in his ears, haunting him like a phantom stuck on his shadow because it’s one of the last things he said to you before you took off and rightfully gave him the cold shoulder.

“I was stressed and frustrated and, and I wasn’t thinking. Those aren’t excuses for being shitty,” he shakes his head so hard that his hair untucks from his hat and grazes his eyelashes, “If anything, they make me more shitty because only assholes do that and that’s what I am. I’m a fucking asshole and and and and…” He’s rambling, losing the point of this. He’s got a talent for berating himself. He falls into it naturally if he’s not careful.

“And I fucked up. I really, really fucked up. I didn’t mean any of it. I never wanted to hurt you.” But you did. “I don’t know why I do that. I don’t know why I ruin shit, I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me, but something is and you, you, you always… you’re always there and and and then you weren’t and…”

This is hard. He’s never been good at articulating his feelings. He wants nothing more than to just tell you how he’s fucked up and you’re one of the only people who doesn’t think he is, but after his true colors have splintered out of him and sliced at you as they have other people in his life he cares for, your perception’s possibly changed from that. He believes he’s confirmed every horrible thing he’s ever thought and said about himself and usually, he can handle that self-loathing and dissonance on his own, but consternation bubbles in his ribcage and sparks embers licking at the lining of his stomach at the very idea of you becoming desensitized to the version of himself you’ve fallen for. He wants to shove the curtains back into place, pretend you never stumbled upon the man behind them, and continue walking hand in hand with you in the reverie he knew wouldn’t last. But damn it. He wants it to last longer than this. It wasn’t enough time. He craves more of it, grasping for the seconds in his hands despite how much they’re attempting to evade him as the clock ticks and ticks. 

“Fucking fuck,” he bellows, “Man, fuck me, fucking fuck me.” Vulnerability is so fucking repulsive. Who the hell invented it? He can’t finish a keynote to save his life.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he settles on.

“I can’t fucking sleep, I can’t fucking eat, Richie keeps calling me a dumb shit like I’m not already thinking that. I-I-I need you. I’m sorry for making you feel like I don’t, but I do. I don’t blame you for leaving and I don’t blame you for ghosting me, but please, I can’t fucking do this anymore. I know I’m being a selfish fuck, but I can’t shake what you make me feel and I won’t leave until you talk to me.”

He stares hard at the door. The sun’s lower in the sky, making it more difficult to see if you’re still standing there listening to what he has to say, as jumbled of a mess that it is. His hands leave his sides, anxiously pressing palms first into the metal like it’ll ground him. An urge presents itself to rip it off its hinges and see it for himself rather than wait for verification, but he manages to remain steady where he stands. It’s about the same experience he’s had over the past two weeks of texting and calling to no avail. You’re not saying anything. You’re not denying his insecurities, you’re not soothing his temper, you’re not reflecting it, and you’re not engaging like he’s envisioned time and time again. You’re eluding him. You’re slipping past his fingers like liquid as he desperately grasps.

“Please, please, please say something.” His forehead leans into the surface, eyes shutting tight. “Tell me I’m not shit, tell me you never want to see me again, please talk to me.”

Please forgive me, he swallows. Please forgive me and take me back.

“Just… please… I… I want to fix this. I want to make it up to you. I’ll do anything to make it up to you. Please don’t shut me out. I’ll make you something? Yeah? Your favorite? What about that place you wanted to go off Lake Shore? Or, or that movie you wanted to see with, uh, that Sweeney girl? What the fuck was it?” Carmen’s eyebrows knit together as he tries to remember the name. “We can go see it… we can go to dinner… I can make dinner. I can take time off work and we can travel somewhere, we can take a trip like you wanted, whatever—I want what you want. Please…? Hello?”

Carmen speaks your name a few times among his pleading. His forehead slowly detaches from the door, indents of the mesh left behind on his skin. He goes quiet to listen for any movement, but he can’t even hear your breathing like this. He can’t hear anything besides the wind picking up, blowing cold over the tips of his ears sticking out from his hat. He steps away from the door, a lump in his throat alongside all the affection he doesn’t know how to let out that he swallows with great difficulty. Instead of walking away from your house, he sits on the cement step leading up to the walkway. He meant it when he said he wouldn’t leave until you talked to him.

He camps outside your house. One hand fishes for his carton of Sapphires, plucking a cigarette from the box. He’s got about two left since he’s been chain-smoking to fill the void. Carmen greatly considers trying to make his plea again on his knees in front of the door if that’s what it’ll take as he lights the end away from his mouth. The pressure of the cement will be a motherfucker, but he’s concocting another game plan to gain your attention since he’s already here and the walk back to his apartment is too long for him to jump at it. If that doesn’t work, then he can leave and come back in the morning before work. He can afford to be slightly late as his normal is showing up early and Sydney and Tina know the prep work that needs to be done.

All his thoughts fade as he hears the door behind him creak. He glances back suddenly, catching it as it slowly swings open. He’s in the midst of standing to his feet and flicking his cigarette into a patch of dirt when you come into view. Your hair’s messy, a white tank top on your torso, and a pair of fleece pajama pants he knows are new. His hands yearn to become acquainted with them as he has your other bottoms. Carmen stares at how you’re hugging yourself, presumably because the cold air is filtering into your warm house. The goosebumps littered over your biceps and forearms confirm his theory.

He’s on you in an instant. His arms wrap firmly around your frame, sighing out as his stress undergoes the mitigation of your own arms embracing him back. Your hand finds his hair, incidentally causing his hat to fall off to the floor, but he doesn’t care. He’s far too busy stamping your temples, cheeks, jawline, and lips with kisses he has weeks of time to make up for.

“M’sorry,” he mumbles into your hairline, “so, so, so sorry. Missed you.”

[aphroditestearsofjoy]

𝕊𝕒𝕥𝕦𝕣𝕕𝕒𝕪 𝕣𝕖𝕤𝕖𝕥:

Saturday is rest day. I personally really need one reset day a week. This day will be be focussed on my progres form past week, planning upcomming week, doing my weekly self care tasks and doing a deep clean. For me personally weeks go from monday to snday. SO by making saturday my reset day, I still have sunday to get the things I missed past week in check before starting school again on monday. If I've done everything for that week I can either relax on sunday or start getting ahaed with my plan for upcomming week.

❧◦°˚°◦.¸¸◦°´•.¸♥ 𝓉𝓪𝓼𝓴𝓼 ♥¸.•´°◦¸¸.◦°˚°◦☙

Mental ☙ Journal for at least half an hour. ☙ Make time for hobbies.

Physical ☙ Go on a walk outside. ☙ Redo my nails. ☙ Make and put on a face mask. ☙ Dip my face in ice water.

Planning ☙ Make a meal plan for upcomming week. ☙ Make a workout plan for upcomming week. ☙ Make a school tasks planning for upcomming week. ☙ Reflect on planning from past week. ☙ Reflect on monthly goals.

Cleaning ☙ Clean devices, and delete everything I don't need from them. ☙ Replace bedsheets. ☙ Clean my room and bathroom with a vacuum and soap. ☙ Clean out schoolbag.

❧◦°˚°◦.¸¸◦°´•.¸♥ 𝓭𝓪𝓲𝓵𝔂 𝓹𝓵𝓪𝓷 ♥¸.• °◦¸¸.◦°˚°◦☙

6.35 Morning routine. 8.15 Do all cleaning tasks. 10.00 Do all planning tasks. 13.00 Make time for journaling, hobbies, going on a walk and my nails. 20.45 Make a face make face mask.

Be sure to like, comment and reblog! If you like my content, consider buying me a book. <3 Lots of kisses, ~ Pearl 🐚

[jodiellie]

Week 1 Evaluation

It's been a week since I've started this journey, so let's reflect on how the first week has been!

First of all, let's have a refresher on what my GOALS for this 30 days initially is~

Fixing my sleep schedule

Incorporate more physical activities (doesn't have to be exercising, can be stretches or walks!)

Drawing more often for practice

Sleep:

I'd say sleep wise, I'm slowly getting better at it. Though, there are moments where I couldn't get myself to sleep and ended up getting worse. But in general, I think I've made good progress than before I started on this journey, so good job me! ദ്ദി ˉ͈̀꒳ˉ͈́ )✧

Physical activities:

I'm pretty proud of my progress for this! So far, I've managed to do something everyday for the past week to get my body moving! Whether it be actually following along exercising videos on Youtube or some stretching to ease some tension on muscles! Again, good job to myself uwu

Drawing:

Now this. I did NOT meet this goal at all during this entire week, which is a shame. I think I was focusing a lot on taking better care of my own body that the thought of taking care of my skill set kinda slipped my mind? Which, to be fair, is kind of expected since even trying to remind myself to do certain basic self care task is difficult in itself. So, it's okay, we'll just have to do better during the following week~

Extras:

Other extra stuff for my health that I think would I've done well is also finally taking my meds and vitamins. Though it's not consistent yet, I'm glad I finally was able to take them more than I was before. This goes for my water intake as well! Sometimes I would go on days without drinking any water at all, which is quite bad... But now that I'm trying to actively record down my days and what I've done to better my body, it serves as a reminder in itself to drink more water, so yayyy another great job done for me °ʚ(´꒳`)ɞ°

˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

Things I need to improve/add for the following week:

After a week into this journey, I think I'd like to adjust some of my goals and be a little more specific in what I want to achieve for hopefully the next week! This will help me be a little clearer with what I need to do and help myself feel good in the future >:)

Try to sleep 30 mins earlier than the last, but the latest time for me to go to bed would be 3am. I have been doing quite okay with only a few slips here and there on this. So hopefully by the end of the next week, I can somehow sleep around 12am instead.

Still moving my body every single day, but let's try to exercise 3 times this week for at least 30 minutes! It's been a long time since I've exercised that I forgot how good I always feel afterwards both physically and mentally. So yes, I'd like to challenge myself to actually do some exercise more often! ( *` • ω •´)ゝ

Since I have 0 progress on my drawing, I want to start slow and easy myself into it. Since it feels daunting (for some reason), let's try achieving at least 30 minutes per day for 3 days of art practice. Can be anything, like anatomy, color study, or even just my own personal art. As long as it reaches the goal I set, then it's good :>

[brain-usurped-by-bug]

My Curated Turbo/King Candy playlist!

These 22 songs were selected for their lyrical connection first and vibes second, although the playlist mostly consists of rock and electronic music. I have arranged the playlist roughly in narrative order for maximum vibes.

Tracklist (as of Sept 14, 2024), along with choice lyrics and overly deep explanations on why these songs fit.

"The End" - My Chemical Romance. Serves as an introduction to the playlist, and a warning of the downfall that is to come. "Save me! Save me! You Can't! Take me!"

"The Main Character" - Will Wood. A sharp transition away from the introduction, taking you back to a happier time. Despite the bright tone, the lyrics introduce a self centered character who feels he deserves love and attention. "I'm the main character, and you have to like me."

"I'm Gonna Win" - Rob Cantor. A Rock music. The lyrics speak of winning at all costs and a refusal to give up. "I'll never loose, I'll never die. You've seen me before, you'll see me again."

"Kickstart My Heart" - Motley Crue. Energetic rock music, representing confidence and the excitement of a race.

"Freak of the Week" - Freak Kitchen. Harsher rock music, the lyrics speak of a willingness to do anything for attention, including self mutilation. "Like me, like me, won't you like me?"

"Final Transmision" - The Living Tombstone. Electronic music, and the transition into the road blasters era. "Pushing off the payload, no cable to rewind him." "Eyelids getting heavy, sleep it off now kid, everyone knows now exactly what you did."

"Bloodstains" - Agent Orange. Angry rock, falling into mental illness. Considering homicide as a solution to his problems. "Ah things seems so much different now, the scene has died away. I haven't got a steady job, and I've got no place to stay."

"Alien Blues" - Vundabar. More mental illness rock. Disillusioned and disconnected to the people around him, popularity fading. "My teeth are yellow, hello world. Would you like me a little better if they were white like yours?"

"Toba the Tura" - Forgive Durden. Post-Roadblasters regret. lots of great lyrics here. "I watched the lamps fall, You pushed them over. They say you're gifted, Well I just see a scared kid." "The raw scorched Earth, It's a trophy of your worth." "Your cold wicked soul boasts a foul scent." "This mess that you made, it's a six-foot grave, It's a home for your lonesome bones that remain. We'll disappear you'll stay here, To rot as the king of the dark and forgot." "(Oh what have you done, disobedient son) What have I become? (You've broken the trust) Destroyed all I loved."

"My Crt" - Dream Puzzles. Moody electronic music about being hunted by a yellow eyed man inside a computer. Is he haunting himself, or is it an external force?

"Awoken" - Wooden Toster. He lives in pain and regret, but he has awoken from the monotony and is prepared to make a change. "Pushed by desire to change the way my stream will frow. now I've awoken and I'm taking back control."

"Sirens" - Bear Ghost. A drift into headcanon territory. He he's sick of hiding, so he goes out to have fun and let off steam, but he's terrified of being caught, and nearly is.

"A Mask of My Own Face" - Lemon Demon. A turn to the playful and sinister. A mask is put on, he goes around in disguise, and is proud of himself. "I'd wear it on Thanksgiving and I'd laugh in the parade at all the people hissing, knowing I'm the one they hate."

"Cabinet Man" - Lemon Demon. THE Turbo song. He reflects on his past and decides to take over Sugar Rush. Perfect vibes, to many fitting lyrics to list. Someone sinister is lurking in a game cabinet, assumed dead, existing unseen, unbeatable, breaking in. Half Human and Half Machine.

"My Ordinary Life" - The Living Tombstone. He's a king on top of the world, surrounded by admirers. He's on a high. He loves the glitz and glamour, but it's all a farse. "People blend together but I would be lost without their love. Can you heal me have I gained too much?" "Is there a real me? Pop the camphane."

"Ruler of Everything" - Tally Hall. He is playfully in control of everything, but his inner darkness still lurks. "Your facade is a scam, you know you're making me cry this is the way that I am. I've been living a lie, a metamorphical scheme."

"Dear Dictator" - Saint Motell. A return to rock music. The point of no return has long been passed. Judgment is on the horizon. "Nobody has ever seen his face, but fear his smile." "And at the trial they'll be no jury, and all the dead are gonna play witness. It's not too late to say you're sorry, but it's to late to truly mean it."

"Wolf in Sheep's Clothing" - Set it Off. A return to rage. He's lying and hurting people to keep his position. "So, tell me how you're sleeping easy, how you're only thinking of yourself. Show me how you justify, telling all your lies like second nature."

"House of Wolves" - My Chemical Romance. He knows he faces eternal damnation, but it's way too late to turn back, so instead he embraces it. "Take this to my grave." "Tell me I'm a bad, bad, bad, bad man."

"Unconditional Love" - Against Me!. Cybug Transformation. He is doomed, and not even unconditional love can save him now. "Half digested and eternal, somewhere lost in the ephemeral."

"Dead!" - My Chemical Romance. Death. “Did you get what you deserve? The ending of your life." "Have you head the news that you're dead? No one ever had much nice to say, I think they never liked you anyway."

.

"Puzzle Pieces" - Saint Motell. Bonus track! y/n sings about how Turbo/King Candy has designed himself, and is made up of all these pieces that don't fit together. "I can hardly move, I can barely breath, near your features."

[anangelwhodidntfall]

Picasso: Dad!JakeSully

Avatar Masterlist 

word count: 1k

Request:  hi! can I request a dad!jakesully with a daughter reader?? i love the way you write those chapters they are great!! it's totally up to you what you write about just lots of fluff and love between the two :)

A/N: Sorry for the late response, I've been student teaching for the past two months and going to class two days out of the week, and I've been sick so much, so I'm trying to write when i can :)

Each of your siblings had a role in the family, your twin neyetam was the mighty warrior, lo'ak was the troublemaker, Kiri was the healer, Tuk was the baby that had everyone wrapped around her finger and then there was you the artist. You had been artistic from an early age, what started off as bracelets and necklaces, evolved into paintings and much more, to the point where you started expressing yourself through your hair.

Norm and a few of the other scientists were showing some pictures from the earth, and that's how you learned about hair dye and hair color. They had given some hair to test the dyes out that you made to see how they would look before you dyed your actual hair to see what you liked and didn't, and provided you with many reference photos.  

You were currently sitting up against a tree working on some color ideas, for your hair right now you were leaning towards pink, liking how it stood out against the black.

"Whatcha working on babygirl?" Your dad asked taking a seat across from you.

"Hair color idea, norm, and some of the scientists had shown me of people having different hair color back on earth and it kinda got me thinking." You said showing him the self-portrait you had been working on.

"Your talent amazes me each time I see it." Your dad said looking at your artwork.

"Thanks,dad, so what do you think? Do you think the pink would look good on me?" You asked him.

"Angel you could pull off any color but I think the pink would stand out more. Are you thinking of adding color to your hair?" He asked."Uh maybe? Would you be mad if I did?" You asked him nervously.

"No I think it would suit you, you've always been different from everyone, and I think it's time that the outside reflects the inside." He said making you smile.

"So you're not mad that I'm not a warrior like nete or a healer like Kiri?" You asked him.

"No babygirl, I've known since you were little that you were an artist that's why I always pushed you to explore that. I don't care that you aren't like your brother or sister, I love you for who you are, nothing more, nothing less." He said placing a kiss on your forehead.

"Thanks daddy. I love you too." You said to him.

"Your welcome. Plus I love the designs you come up with for the war parties and ceremonies." He said making you laugh as you two started heading home.

A few days later one of the scientists Diana was helping you add the pink strands to your hair while you worked on a painting for your dad after his comments the other night when your dad walked in.

"Daddy what are you doing here?" You asked him as he took a seat across from you.

"I came to learn how to do your hair that way I could help you do it next time." He said.

"Really? You? Mr. I've had one hairstyle since I was born, wants to learn how to do hair?" You said teasing him.

"Oh it's like that huh? Then you can forget about getting your hair done." He said.

"What? No I'm sorry daddy." You said setting your painting down and crawling over to him and into his lap.

"Nope it's too late, you have bullied me for the last time." He said.

"Nooo I'm sorry daddy, it was an innocent joke. I love you and your basic hairstyle." You said making him roll his eyes.

"I love you too, now go finish getting your hair done before I change my mind." He said squeezing you and kissing your head before you went back to your chair.

It took about an hour to add the color to your hair which gave you time to finish your painting, and for your dad to learn how to do it next time but Diana said that she would help you in case he messed up.

"So what do you think dad? Does it look as good as it did in my painting?" You asked him.

"It looks even better. The pink definitely suits you and now I'll really really be able to tell you and neyetam apart." He said making you roll your eyes.

"Thanks dad. And I made this for you." You said handing him the painting you had worked on.

"Ohh angel this is so beautiful, thank you." He said hugging you.

"Your welcome I sort of got inspired by what you said the other night." You said as you two walked home.

You guys return home and your mother froze when she saw your hair instantly making you feel nervous as your siblings looked at you in shock.

"So what do you think mom?" You asked her nervously as she ran a hand through your hair.

"It looks pretty, who did it?" She asked."

Diana, but she showed dad so he could do it next time. I'm sure she could teach you if you wanted." You said.

"I would like that. You look pretty my dear, now I'll be able to tell you and your neyetam apart." She said as you and neyetam shook your heads.

"Do we really look that much alike?" You both asked.

"Yes you do, this will make telling you two apart so much easier." Your parents said as you two laughed.

[thecurioustale]

My New Book Is Out! | Tokens of Zeal

My new book is out!

Buy it! Buy it now!

That's right: In secret, on January 2 of this year I began writing a book of essays. Some of you may know that I have an online journal, which I created in the summer of 2003 when I was just 21 years old and have kept up with ever since. For my new book I went back to the journal and read through it, entry by entry, drawing out excerpts of interest that became conversation pieces for 81 various and sundry essays reflecting on my past life and past thoughts.

The essays are short, often very short. They are less challenging than my usual writing, I would say. My purpose was not to advance my personal frontier of philosophy and intellectual thought in 2024, or to reach a niche audience of deep thinkers, but instead to reflect sincerely on some things I've seen along the way and muse upon how my thoughts have changed and stayed the same over twenty years.

I mention this to you because I am a bit worried that anyone who reads this book might think there's not much to me as an author, and might be dissuaded from reading my works of fiction when those books eventually come out, so I'll lampshade that by adding that I wrote this book in two-and-a-half months. Make of that what you will. I told myself I wouldn't self-sabotage the book by needlessly saying negative things about it, and I am proud of it, not only the fact that I finished it at all, let alone so quickly, but of the actual contents too.

This book is "Volume 1" in a hypothetical series, as it doesn't cover the entire twenty years of the journal but only the first four months, from August to November of 2003—at which point the essays had reached "book length" (lol). So really this book is a snapshot of my life in the latter half of 2003. At that time, I was fading out of college due to financial hardship and other issues, and did not realize that I would never (as yet) return.

I have been wanting for years to go back and reread my journal, and writing a book out of it was the perfect impetus to finally do it. I think a few things stand out about the Josh of 2023:

First, my principles have remained remarkably consistent, but my awareness and understanding of the world has grown drastically, and so those same principles have led me over time to some different policy views and worldviews on some things.

Second, I was a 21-year-old arrogant block of cheese, full of hormones and self-conviction, and that definitely shows up at times in ways that I simultaneously am not proud of and yet which I admire for their sheer gall. There is something very magnetic about the old me which doesn't exist anymore.

Third, following up on that point, it was pretty inspiring and encouraging to revisit the old me, with all that native optimism and drive. I don't express those qualities anymore because life has worn me down and also because I have come to recognize that humanity's problems are a lot more stubborn and irremediable than I thought. By glimpsing into the past, I couldn't help but be cheered on by the old Josh's proud, utopian sense of human inevitability. It lifted my own spirits in the here and now!

I made the mistake of announcing the book on Patreon right after I finished writing it, i.e. back in mid-March. Then I had to wring my hands every week about how post-production was taking longer than expected. Between the irritating realities of formatting a book in software not properly equipped to format a book (never write a book in Google Docs), the complexities of my detail-oriented manner and strong vision regarding the cover design (and engaging for the first time ever with modern generative AI, and having to learn those ropes), and sustaining illnesses and other life priorities and so on, it would take me another two months in all to finally reach today, where I can now publicly declare:

The book is done! It is for sale right now. It is called:

Tokens of Zeal: Words from a Vanished Age

(Caption: Book front cover of Tokens of Zeal: Words from a Vanished Age, by Joshua Calars.)

You can buy it through Amazon in either paperback or e-book format. (I recommend the paperback version for aesthetics as it is much truer to my design vision for the book's layout and appearance, but my profit margin is actually a dollar bigger with the e-book version, so really just go with whichever version you prefer.) It is available in the US as well as in basically all the other countries that Amazon has expanded its publishing service into. If you need help finding a link to a particular version, give me a ping and I will point you there (if there is a "there" to be pointed to). This is my second published book, following Prelude to After The Hero in 2015, and the first book to be published in print.

If you do read it, first of all thank you! It's an honor that you would take the time. Second of all, I would love any feedback you care to offer. That's not a platitude either; feedback is hard to come by and I really would be interested in anything you have to say, good or bad. You can e-mail me, DM, reblog this, drop an ask, or tag me in an independent post. Whatever you like! Feedback will help me greatly when I eventually get around to writing Volume 2. And feel free to leave a review on Amazon, whether good or bad (though hopefully you enjoy the book); I am told it pleases The Algorithm. But most of all, if you enjoy the book, tell someone about it! Your word-of-mouth is currently 100 percent of my advertising budget, lol.

That's all. I wrote a book; it took four-and-a-half-months; it's done now; and it's the first time I've ever gotten to hold a book that I wrote in my hands as a physical thing, and that's pretty neat.

[peachpety]

Upon reflecting this past year, I’m reminded of one area as a fandom citizen that i am lacking - reading fic. And so was born an idea to canvas my fandom family and friends to share with me a fic they've written, art they've created, a podfic they've recorded in 2023 of which they are most proud.

This two part 'rec yourself' list is the result.

Part One features Drarry creations (heavily featured since that's my OTP). Part Two (here) includes a kick-ass mix of various HP ships and ships from other fandoms, including Carry On, Check Please!, Good Omens, Teen Wolf, and Stranger Things. Also, and most importantly, each entry presents a smol blurb from the creator about why they chose their particular piece as their 2023 favorite.

For ease in reading, I've also placed all submitted works posted to AO3 into a filterable bookmark collection, Rec Yourself 2023. Be aware that there's a range of ratings and archive/creator tags, so please, take appropriate responsibility for your personal consumption. And please also be sure to shower the creators with kudos and lovely comments.

Y'all. This endeavor has been a fucking blast. One thing's for sure, I am blessed, humbled and honored to know a whole bunch of fantastic, brilliant, fun folks. Big love to you all, and thank you for participating.

So go forth. Indulge and enjoy! xo peach

* * *

✩ @pato-roldnart ✩ Quiet as a mouse HP | Viktor Krum x Ron Weasely | ART | G rating | Unleashed!Fest 2023 I'm quite proud of this one, I don't know how I made it, I had never drawn them before! My mind went full "oh yeah ronvik " Also, I like the idea of them bonding over their pets and Ron seeing that Viktor cares about something else that is not Quidditch.

✩ @tontonguetonks ✩ Coffee and a Croissant HP Next Gen | Scorpius x Albus | 903 FIC | G rating There are parts of myself and my lived experience in every story and character I write—how I socialize, how I take my coffee… I can’t help it. In *Coffee and a Croissant*, I put a lot of myself in my ace and autistic Albus. He is very dear to me in this story, and in my Fizzy Lifting Drinks drabble. The fic is just a toe-dip in the Soulmate waters where Albus grapples with what to do if he is someone’s Soulmate, but they’re not his. Parts 2 and 3 are in the works, but there is no timeline on either of them. Maybe in 2024?

✩ @crazybutgood ✩ I Bloom Pink For You HP | Narcissa Malfoy x Pansy Parkinson | 993 FIC + ORIGAMI COMIC | M rating | HP Bodice Ripper Fest 2023 This whole idea came about because I got so excited to fold a corset for hp bodice ripper fest, realised I couldn't just submit that one thing, and started brainstorming more loose ideas. It all clicked together when I was inspired by a fic by @schmem14, whose writing I adore. I was so grateful and even more excited when Em gave permission to make this. From there started the self-indulgent process of folding fancy things with fancier papers for this origami comic, and I couldn't have done it without Em and my lovely support team.

✩ @seekercass ✩ Something Cosmic HP | Cedric x Draco x Harry | 1.7k FIC | M rating | Polyship Week 2022 A self-rec that I am still extremely proud of is a short fic written for Polyshipping Week 2022 called Something Cosmic. It's a small coda to Something Good to Always Keep, another fic that I wrote for Quidditch Fest 2021 that I cherish very much. Even though writing is still hard for me these days, I often think about this 'verse and what life is like for Harry, Draco and Cedric after they graduated from Oxford. These three and slice of life bring me such joy. I hope to write more of them.

✩ @roseharpermaxwell ✩ Sounds Worth It HP | Hermione x Draco | 5k FIC | T rating | D/Hr Advent 2023 Being nominated for d/hr advent was a sweet surprise. It gave me a good excuse to remember how to write and the nudge I needed to create something this year.

✩ @basicallyahedgehog ✩ (They) Keep Me Warm HP | Hermione x Harry x Ron | 5.8k FIC | E rating | HP Trans Fest 2023 This was my transfest fic - I wrote it as a love letter to all my trans and Enby friends and as a way of processing some of my own feelings. It’s my first (and so far only) foray into poly golden trio and I loved playing with their dynamics with that added layer to their relationship.

✩ @lumosatnight ✩ For I Have Found Salvation HP | Harry x Severus | 7.1k FIC | E rating | Snarry AUctoberfest 2023 Although this is a smut fic at its core, I tried really hard to make the pacing flow, bringing in background characters, and creating memorable imagery. I am very proud of how it turned out. However, this is probably my favorite fic from 2023 simply for the fact that I had the most fun writing it!

✩ @sugareey-makes-stuff ✩ Feel You Breathing Teen Wolf | Derek Hale x Stiles Stilinski | 8.4k TEXTING FIC | E rating | 2023 Year of the OTP This is my fav 2023 piece because I learned how to create a custom text message AO3 skin, stylize things for plain text reading, and I wrote a whole story  that had some plot that was told through text messages. Also, I did not know I could achieve so much spiciness and throw in so many bad pick-up lines through this medium, but hey, the more you know! XD

✩ @schmem14 ✩ Mastermind HP | Harry x Ron; Draco x Harry; Ron x Draco | 10.7k FIC | E rating | Dronarry Fest 2023 This is one of the few times a story just flew out of me. Possessive stalker Draco sets out to win over Ron in this creepy thriller, but there’s a catch: Ron is already in love with Draco’s boyfriend, Harry.

✩ @drwhoisginnyholmes & @fledglinger ✩ Not Bad, For A 6000 Year Old Classic! Good Omens | Aziraphale x Crowley | 11.8k FIC + ART | E rating | DIWS Reverse! Reverse! Mini Bang

✩ @sniperjade ✩ The Sounds of Us HP Marauders | Regulus x Remus | 20.4k FIC | M rating | Remus Lupin Fest 2023; HPFC Spring Fling 2023 I've been thinking about this for a couple of days and whilst I would really love to say it was the drarry I wrote for this fest last year my favourite would have to be this moonseeker I wrote for Remus Lupin Fest last year. It's my favourite because I lived this fic. It became the entirety of my personality for a whole month because I desperately needed to get to the chapter where Regulus was riding on Padfoots back, through the forbidden forest, with only the light of the full moon to guide them, just to try and help Remus. It's also just because it's very musical and I'm very musical so that makes me love it all the more.

✩ @ghaniblue ✩ Sleeping With Ghosts HP | Regulus x Draco x Harry | 21.9k FIC | M rating | Harry Potter Rare Pair Fest IV I posted a Regulus/Harry/Draco fic last month that I'm very fond of. I started writing it more than 1 1/2 years ago, before I ever read a single Regulus fic. It's triad fic, and I'm pretty proud of the way the individual relationships develop. That was important to me, and I think I succeeded. Posting the first fic on ao3 with this triad tag doesn't hurt either.

✩ @celilasart & @wolfspurr ✩ Shifted Teen Wolf | Derek Hale x Stiles Stilinski | 25k FIC + ART | T rating | Sterek Reverse Bang This work was created for sterek reverse bang, a collaboration fest where the artists create first and the writers write second. wolfspurr and I just clicked when we talked about my art and the things that it inspired in their writer brain ;D the result is just an amazingly sweet and wholesome fic, that is still set in the teenwolf universe as we know it. but unlike many other fics which are full of violence and danger, this one starts with a bang and then it is a beautifully woven story of two people who just complete each other. also... the working title for my art was: tiny fox & sour wolf.

✩ @orange-peony ✩ At the speed of light Carry On | Basilton Pitch x Simon Snow | 26.3k FIC | E rating I picked [this fic] because I had a lot of fun writing it! It started off as a drabble and ended up 26k because I just had a blast writing it and the fandom support was so lovely. Last but not least, Pato made an absolutely stunning art piece for this fic, and it was the best present ever.

✩ @wynnyfryd ✩ i don’t know, you figure it out Stranger Things | Steve Harrington x Eddie Munson | 35.4k WIP FIC | E rating bragging about yourself is difficult, but i’ll just say it’s my favorite because i’m proud of myself for sticking to one project for this long, i love all the artwork the fic has inspired, and i just think the line “the river styx must taste like pennies” fucks severely lmao.

✩ @decaflondonfog ✩ growing pains Check Please! | Eric Bittle x Kent Parson | 50k FIC | T rating i am not usually a long fic gal, which i think is in part lack of patience, but also how attached i get to a universe if i’m working on it for a longer period of time. i finished writing this back in june but this fic felt very “me” in many ways and i think about them so often still  so it’s definitely my 2023 creation i’m proudest of!

[o2studies]

༻`` 1 June — Saturday 56/60

🧡 academia >> / (planning to study a lot of Russian as I've finished this year of school now)

🧡 physical health >> I walked a good bit today, there was a kind of fun day at a park and so I went there with a friend and it was SO MUCH FUN!

🧡 self care >> Sleeping in that little bit extra this morning

I went with K today on a single ride 6 or 7 times and it was amazing! So so much fun, we were screaming our heads off (it the one in the middle picture) and enjoying the music and the slightly sick feeling of being spun round at 100mph. It also felt really freeing to just scream and really funny whenever I'd say 'wee' in a childish tone whenever we'd start spinning in the seats again. We went to her house afterwards, had food, watched Emperor's New Groove (1 & 2) and had way too much fun texting out friend from each other's phones. It was an amazing start into summer.

More updates about this last week:

My exams went quite well I think. There is a couple I might have to retake next year but we'll see whenever I get the grades (I'm praying to God they're all A's or at least high B's). I'm quite happy with how they went tho and mostly proud of the revision I've done for them (I have really died down the revision in the last week and was so tired—physically and mentally— of it all)

I've been falling into some depression-related habits on this past week, sleeping in way too late and constantly, not taking care of myself, being really tired in the evenings and just wasting away the afternoons on my phone & isolating. I am already better and I know I'm working to keep being better. I'm really proud of myself for how quickly I'm bouncing back from that

I wrote some more in my journal recently and started writing out some goals for this year's summer! I would like to write at least some of them out on a post here soon and properly reflect on the list.

My parents had a conversation with my the other day about how I'm allowed to get a part-time summer job this year! I'm really excited, it would be good for me in many ways plus it'll keep me slightly more busy in these next 3 months which is good

I also got my driving licence!! Woo!!

I'm talking with my friends more often and really bonding with them too. We're getting a lot more comfortable around each other too (and the friendly flirting sessions we sometimes have are just so fun XD). We are going to make a good few plans for meeting up over the summer.

After the last exam I talked to another friend, A, while waiting for our buses and I forget how much I love having them as a friend. It was really nice to hear more about them and how she's been doing and her plans for the summer. I'm hoping to meet them sometime next week after their Birthday.

This might be it for now.. If I can remember anything else major that's happened I'll make another post to add to this.

Good night/morning everyone :)

[azrielgreen]

I am genuinely so impressed by how you are juggling so many projects. What is your writing process like for that? I remember you sharing about how you romanticize the process but like how much time is given to each project? Is it based on where the dopamine leads you during the day? How do you maintain the discipline? How much of a project is mapped before you start drafting and editing? It is so hard to create and i just *genuinely* admire your work ethic so much.

Hi, oh thank you so much, that's really kind of you! So, juggling multiple projects is still new to me, I've only ever had 1 or 2 at once before but the last year has taught me a LOT about how to manage it, how to roll with the punches and the importance of balance.

TL;DR this became a ramble so I summarised:

3 hours a day

dopamine led but with consistent rewards in place

discipline countered with indulgent self care

embracing change and new inspiration

not comparing to others

making work space very pleasing and comfortable

trust you will do it because you've done it before

romanticise

stay open to the universe

you've never failed unless you give up completely - it's fine to miss a deadline, life is very short and it's better to be healthy, happy and inspired than burnt out and sick. take it slow, enjoy it, work when you can and reward yourself CONSTANTLY.

So, time wise, I will try to dedicate at least 3 hours a day to one single project and I'll try to keep it one project per week otherwise my head is all over the place. It's usually dopamine led as following joy is key to my energy levels, but I have also learnt the past year to discipline myself and adapt to a constant flow of creation.

I maintain the discipline by treating myself as wonderfully as I possibly can. I still and always will romanticise everything I do and make it fun; all frills, self indulgent and lovely. Having a space I love that's set up well is hugely important for me. My desk area is amazing now that I've worked on it for well over a year.

One of the best things for crafting discipline but not losing the joy is the THRILL of achievement. When I complete something, i feel amazing and that spurs me on. I cultivate multiple ideas as indulgently as I can and expose myself to a lot of new inspiration. If something doesn't work or feels not good? I give myself the freedom to change it up and the confidence to know that no matter what, it'll work out beautifully so long as I keep going because it always has. There were times during Touched I would CRY it was so hard to write and I was so distracted.

Knowing you can do something because you've already done it is an incredibly powerful little power up that I use often to give myself a boost.

But honestly, overall, I really do romanticise my life in general. I make beautiful things, I love what I write, I'm so grateful for everything and always open to new ideas and I never close myself off by comparing, doubting or clinging too hard to what felt good before. I give myself space to realise that I'm constantly changing and growing and that my writing reflects that which is SO exciting!! I think honestly, I'm my biggest fan. I hype myself, reward myself and treat writing like a blissful escape, which it is, even when it's 7 hours non-stop for a story I am very ready to be done with.

The most important thing about maintaining this level of output (for me) is giving myself space to mess up a little, to miss a deadline, to delay posting and not feel awful. 'You're Divine' is one of the greatest writing lessons I've ever learned, in that just because you can physically write 25k+ a week doesn't mean you SHOULD. Towards the end I had made myself very ill. I won't ever do that again. It's never a failure, unless you give up completely. Life is very short, it's difficult to feel inspired when you're hard on yourself. Treat yourself like the person you love most in this world. Be a little selfish, lean in where you're weird and praise it to the skies.

Thanks so much again!

Love, Az

💜💜💜

[sapphire-weapon]

I always felt as though Luis and Leon's relationship were a case of lost love or a possible unrequited love (on Luis's side). It makes it sadder.

i wouldn't say that i felt that way in OG, but you can absolutely make a case for it in remake.

i don't have a whole lot to say about luis's perspective personally (@theggning is your resident luis expert, not me), but just in terms of their dynamic in general, i was absolutely shocked by how intimate luis's death scene was.

i'm a former smoker, and maybe i'm weird in this idk, but i only let someone light a cigarette for me once and then never allowed it again because of how profoundly uncomfortable it made me; to me, it felt like that was the most intimate you could be with a person without physically touching them. it crossed a line for me. so that + the angle at which the scene was shot, and just the cinematic direction of it in general... and then for it to be capped off with leon very gingerly placing the lighter back into luis's hand and holding it there -- it was just a very, very intimate moment. far beyond what RE has done in the past -- with any two characters.

remake did a lot of interesting things that OG didn't, and one of the most interesting things was its use of themes. there was a whole lot in there about "can people change" and "penance and atonement" and "chasing the idealized version of the self" and a lot of that shit is shown through leon and luis.

i think, in leon, luis saw someone that he wished he'd personally always been: someone who can view things at a far enough distance to see the bigger picture (though LOLOLOL the irony is that luis has no idea just how much leon had to learn to do that the hard way), and someone who does the right thing because it's right and won't be tempted or swayed or bought off his path. and that's probably ultimately the reason why luis gave ada the finger and threw his lot in with leon instead. ada was too much of who luis already was, whereas leon was someone he wished he could be.

and in luis, i think leon saw a reflection of his own failures, and was forced to face the uncomfortable reality that luis was actually doing something about his past misdeeds, whereas leon himself was just going through the motions and moving forward numbly and blindly.

honestly? i don't think leon could have/would have killed krauser in remake if not for luis -- because krauser was the other side of the coin. for all intents and purposes, krauser had done exactly what leon was in the process of doing -- he was the culmination of years of letting shit build up and not doing anything about it. as a result, he became an angry, unhinged, bitter, unforgiving, sexually repressed traitor who lived for nothing and died for less.

luis was the opposite of that; luis chose atonement and penance, and he died a hero as a result. and i think leon looked at that and made the decision to walk the same path as luis instead of continuing along the path that might one day lead to him becoming krauser. he realized that couldn't keep doing things the way that he'd always done them, because if he did, he'd just get the same results -- and that would lead to the angry, bitter resentment etc etc etc.

and to have the kind of shared growth and inverted perspectives that leon and luis have as characters is absolutely 100% romantic. you see that kind of shit in romance novels all the time. so there is really something to be said about it.

sorry i know that a lot of this is super meta and kind of abstract, but it's something that i've been thinking about for a few weeks, and this ask kind of gave me an excuse to explore it a little bit lmao

[k00295632]

Project: Movement. Week 4. Thursday, 1/02/24.

Painting: Studio Time.

I did a bit of thumbnailing for what I had in mind and even shot some reference pics in my bathrooms doing different actions/ different positions to help decided with what direction I wanted to take this painting. My initial idea was to create a portrait of my past self looking into the mirror at my current self, reflecting my theme of the movement of time and how much I've changed since cutting my hair for the first time.

I decided to further emphasise the change between my past and future self with colours, duller colours for the past and highly saturated eye catching colours for the future. I had to do some thumbnails for how to balance out the colours, and look at some older works of mine to see how I did it in the past. I settled on using primarily red, yellow, blue, green, and orange as my colour pallet. However, I've never used them in the way I intended to here, so it was certainly a new experience.

I started off by choosing a reference picture and doing a rough under drawing to figure out proportions. When doing my rough sketch I actually taped my phone to the wall and tried to draw from a distance so I could calculate the shapes and proportions as accurately as possible.

I decided that since the interior and exterior of the mirror are very different in colour schemes, I would work on one at a time, I chose to focus on inside the mirror to start off with. Once that was done I began blocking out my main base colours and went about adding shadows. the light shadows helped start the process of shaping the face. It was a very "trust the process" sort of situation.

I knew with the approach I took I wouldn't be able to get away with solid blocks of colour for the hair and shirt, so I experimented with layering different colours to gain different textures. For the hair I tried building shapes with different layers of blues and greens before going in with a dark blue for the darker areas and shadows, I then went in with some red and light green highlights. It was certainly an improvement.

As for the shirt, It was very trial and error, I actually had to repaint over certain areas. I settled with using my light blue for the main shadows on the shirt to add a sense of dept, the translucence of the blue paint on top of the orange worked in my favour. Since blue and orange are on opposite ends of the colour wheel they tend to cancel each other out a bit, resulting in a duller hue of blue which was perfect for the shadows. I went in with greens to blend out the blue at the edges and yellow for highlights, I used bits of red and dark green for creases and wrinkles in the shirt. When I was doing the blue areas, I actually covered large areas at a time and then would drag the back of my hand through it removing a lot of the paint and leaving an interesting texture, similar to a wedge tool shown to us during the tool workshop.

That's all the progress I made for Thursday

[shiitb4lls]

okay gonna talk a bit about my sobriety and struggle with alcoholism under the cut and how proud of myself i am because wow i've done a lot of reflecting this last week.

with my grandmother passing on the 9th, i was really nervous for my sobriety. in the past, i used to drink to cope with any extreme emotion. the hardest bit for me was the month prior when my grandma was in the hospital. when i don't feel control over a situation i kind of spiral, which would lead me to drink. however i pushed through, i stayed sober, and i kicked ass tbh. work has been wildly stressful too, and work is my primary source of stress. and i still haven't given in to my cravings and had a sip of booze.

i am so thankful i got help when i did, that i took that step forward and went to the hospital to get help after my relapse with self injury. that lead me to being in the hospital for four days, away from alcohol. it lead me to opening up about my addiction and actually seeking help for it. if i would have put that off, i'm afraid to think about where i would be right now or how i would be. because i am sober, i am going to therapy, and that i'm back on meds i have been able to process the grief so much healthier.

i just. i look back to where i was at the beginning of october and i do not know that person. it was not well, it was not taking care of itself. now ... wow. now i am trying my best to get better and it's working, and holy shit guys. i'm so proud of myself.

[canpio]

it's been ages since i've really been active on here, but i just removed the - from my url so now it's like i have a canon url and it feels so weird lmfao

been doing a lot of reflection and self-discovery the past several months after breaking up with my latest ex of 5 years, and especially been coming back around to some really old stuff that i had posted a lot about on here in years prior. mostly a lot of gender stuff, realized thanks to my new partner that i am trans, and now hrt is a real potentiality on my horizon. also realized that i'm intersex given my abnormal menstrual experience (doc says based on my recorded history that i don't even really ovulate naturally, which is fantastic and felt very weirdly affirming) and currently waiting to get some testing done to figure out what exactly i can label my natural state as. 'intersex' has been a pretty affirming label to take too, which i never really expected, but it feels honestly right.

i turn 25 in just over a week and honestly i'm doing kind of the best that i've really ever done, despite going through all that and having to face some crappy emotional stuff from the past 5 years on top of that, now that i'm in my first healthy and mutually respectful relationship. it's been pretty good. so much of this i really have my partner to thank for, for opening up the door for me to explore all of this and realize what's natural and healthy and right as compared to the stuff i was told before. the right-wing political unlearning around covid is definitely one of the most challenging things we've got to tackle, but we're taking it as it comes and he's really good about seeing the balance between educating me on misinformation i was fed and knowing and respecting when he needs to back off when i start to get upset. he's just seriously so so good, i'm really so thankful for him being so supportive of everything and i want nothing more than to be there for him in all the same ways. 600 miles between us is our main barrier, but we've been seeing each other about once a month and it's been, pardoning the reddit speak, so wholesome and really, honestly healing for both of us. really love him so much.

anyway i guess that's it? this turned into a bigger dump than i expected but it'll be nice to have this to look back to in a few years as a reference point. really changed a lot in the last 10 years, glad i've kept this blog around even if i've gone totally inactive

[peppertaemint]

I joined tumblr ‘cause of Shinee just recently and was a babywol (2022), really admired them, especially Key. I feel lost, and like such a fool for feeling this conflicted. As a poc, I’m so done with making excuses for people, it’s always heartbreaking to tell people how I feel, be dismissed or worse just be heard and then they do nothing about it, not even stand by you. It’s gutting when it keeps happening, just never gets easier- like I know they’re going to hurt me, but I also love them because there’s a lot of good to them? Also, how many people can I cut out from my life? I don’t want to see Taekey dragged, it’s just so much worse knowing they’re fully capable of learning and growing from this, but they most probably won’t bother, especially with a lot of the fandom trying to bury our comments. It’s just infuriating when taekey have talked about what it feels like with people commenting about their image/ weight, and they turn around and do the same thing to their own friend. I can’t believe just last week I was all happy for Key being called a ‘safe and comforting presence for fans’ in some article. Do you think they’re likely to apologize/change? I’ve heard some comments about a concert where one of the members apologized in the past. again, feel foolish for holding out hope, but I’m just so tired and feel so torn.

Hi Anon,

I am dictating this, so apologies if any of it comes off weird. I don't think you have to make excuses for people and I don't think it's a matter of them not wanting to learn. My own take is that it's a cultural difference that is difficult to bridge. That's not an excuse that's just a reason; that being said, when I watch old Korean stuff like TV et cetera versus what is out now there is a big difference. That doesn't mean it's perfect, but to me, I see it going in the direction that is what I want and expect.

Basically, I think you can respect someone's art and like their art but acknowledge that you don't like every part of them or everything that they do, the same as the way you love a family member, but you don't like everything that they do. The problem in these spaces, These online spaces, is that People associate an artist with their own identity, and then that artist's failing becomes their own, and it's not, it is theirs for them to own and keep. And it is enough for you to say I'm not cool with that and make your thoughts known.

I think that everyone is capable of making mistakes and mistakes that are hurtful, and it's up to us to decide what we have as a boundary and what we don't. And honestly, I've been a fan of shinee since late 2019, and this is the first thing like this that I've seen go on. I saw the old stuff but I wasn't surprised because I've seen that with every single group that I've looked into and I've seen it in almost every Korean show that I've watched. But they have apologised about things and they are people who self reflect.

not a lot of fans have watched it, but the interview in 2018 with radio star.... There's so much reflection in discussion of changing as people, about growing up and understanding when you've hurt someone, and changing your behaviours, so I just think out of everyone that I've seen, I see a lot more of that with this group than other groups. And it is specific. Key went on about how he used to hurt peoples' feelings. Then it's something that he has to watch out for. Obviously it is something that he probably still struggles with for whatever reason and I think we've all seen that, if you're a fan and you've watched enough stuff. I feel more comfortable with artists who are honest and make mistakes and discuss those things whether it's tomorrow or it's like six months from now. Then people who purposely ignore it or make disingenuous comments. I don't think this is a group that ever makes disingenuous comments, I don't know if that's helpful, anonymous, But that's my two cents.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hi sex witch, long time listener, 3rd (?) time caller. You've always been kind and patient with my somewhat odd questions so I figured I'd come to you with something I've wanted to ask someone for a while. Ok so basically I'm 19 (20 this fall) and I feel weird about the fact that I've never kissed anyone or really ever had any romantic interactions beyond holding a girl’s hand at camp when I was 15. Honestly, when I've been asked in the past if I'm a virgin people usually just shrug it off but a few weeks ago I had to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being asked about my first kiss and having to say that I, a second year college student, have never kissed anyone. Realistically, I hear a lot about how people, especially queer and/or disabled people (of which I am both), don't need to operate by the same “milestones“ as everyone else but it seems like that’s always referring to like “don't feel weird if you’re still a virgin at 17” rather than whatever my deal is. Basically, I'm partially asking for reassurance and also just asking how to not feel weird about this kind of thing because it feels like the more time that goes past the more embarrassing it is. Also, if/when I ever actually have a relationship how do I explain this without feeling like I am going to fall over and die from embarrassment. Sorry for rambling, love all the work that you do :D

oh hey, welcome back! go ahead and grab your usual seat. I have a cup of [beverage of your choice] for you.

I would like to open by saying it is of course fine to feel a bit bummed or disappointed or generally odd by your lack of romantic experiences with other people, especially if romantic relationships are something you would like to have in your life. they seem like they can be fun, if you're into that sort of thing, and it's very rewarding to make connections with other people. there's nothing wrong with feeling a bit sad about missing out; please just honor those feelings if they're in you and attend to them constructively rather than letting them become a sort of self-pity soup you wallow in for perpetuity.

now, having acknowledged that your feelings are perfectly legitimate and fine and normal to have: it's time to stop feeling embarrassed about experiences you haven't had, because you may as well be embarrassed about having never been struck by lightning.

"Makenzie, why on earth would I be embarrassed about that? I have no control over being struck by lightning. it's a thing that happens entirely at random, and happens more as a result of freak happenstance than anything else. even if I tried to increase my chances by, say, standing next to a lightning rod in a storm, I still couldn't guarantee it would happen."

yeah, babe. exactly. finding a romantic connection is exactly like that, in that you can only put yourself out there and hope. what happens next is mostly a matter of dumb luck and being in precisely the right place at the right time for something electrifying to happen. how could it possibly reflect poorly on you that that's not happened yet?

the main thing is that, whatever your feelings on the matter, anyone else who feels the need to get weird or judgmental or demand an explanation when you explain your romantic history is a clown to whom you owe no explanation. in much the same way you're not required to explain, say, the exact nature of your queerness or your disability, their lack of understanding is their problem, not yours.

as for any future partners, what is there to explain? you certainly have less work to do than people who need to catch new folks up on entire romantic histories. "I've never dated, I've never done this before, you're the first person I've done x with," those are all perfectly satisfactory. any relationship involves learning how to be a good partner all over again, and someone with no prior romantic experience whose willing to learn is frankly a much better prospect than someone whose had many partners but isn't interested in listening to what a new one needs. if your prospective partner(s) can't understand that, their loss I suppose.