#i've definitely done this one before. i can feel it.
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Moment of Truth Pairing: Eddie Munson x Evil Woman Summary: Eddie is forced to have a terrifying conversation. Contains: Awkwardness, unnecessary panic, family fluff. Words: 1.4k
Eddie Munson lifts his fist to a familiar door and hesitates before knocking on it. Is he really doing this? Does this even need to be done? Can't he just…
He can feel Wayne glaring at him from across town.
He sighs and knocks gently, scrunching his eyes shut and bracing himself. He hears footsteps approach. The click of a lock. The creak of the door opening. He feels the warmth from within.
"I'd ask what you're doing up this early, but it would appear you've fallen asleep on my doorstep," an amused voice says.
Eddie opens his eyes, so nervous that he can't give that excellent greeting the smile it deserves.
"What's wrong, honey?"
It's just Mary. His girlfriend's mom. A person who feeds him multiple times a week. Keeps the cabinets stocked with his favorite snacks. Has never yelled at him or told him to get out of her house. Has declared him her favorite child, even though he's not really hers. Made him a Christmas stocking and a dang Easter basket. Why is this so hard? Why is Eddie Munson, loud-ass Eddie Munson who never shuts up, suddenly unable to form a single word?
"Do you want me to go get--" Mary gestures vaguely behind her, but Eddie shakes his head quickly. She tilts her head to the side, analyzing him. Probably seeing right through him. He's doomed. He braces himself when she opens her mouth to speak again, but what comes out is, "Will you at least come in before you catch a cold?"
Eddie stands there for a few seconds, stunned. When he comes to his senses, he nods once, and she stands aside to let him into the kitchen. Once he's inside, his body leads him to the table. To his chair. He's here so often, he has his own spot at the table. He stares at the wood grain and focuses on his breathing, trying to gather his courage. This should not be so fucking hard.
A cup of coffee slides into view. The one with the Garfield comic on it. His favorite. He reaches for the cup and takes a drink, hoping it will give him the jolt he needs.
The woman even knows how he takes his fucking coffee.
Eddie blows out a long breath and looks up at her, sitting across from him. Still in her bathrobe. Hands around her steaming mug. A curious look on her face.
"I love your daughter," Eddie finally gets out.
"I've always suspected," Mary says, trying to hide her smile behind her coffee cup.
Eddie feels a little less nervous and a little more at home with each passing second. Maybe the coffee warmed up whatever part of his brain froze on the way over here.
"I've been talking to Wayne," he explains, the words finally coming to him. "And he says you have to get the father's permission to ask a girl to marry you. I told him it was an old and outdated tradition and she'd probably kick my ass and lecture me about women's lib or something, but he insisted. 'That's the way we do things, boy'," Eddie says in his best Wayne impression. He looks up for a reaction, but there isn't one. He clears his throat and continues. "And I know she doesn't give a flying… crap about her old man. She'd die laughing if she thought I asked Gareth permission for anything. So can I ask you?"
Mary takes another sip of her coffee and appears to consider it. That's good, right? She puts her cup down and leans forward, lacing her fingers on the table. He's dead, he's so dead.
"Edward?"
"Yes, ma'am?" he asks, trying not to tremble.
"Are you asking for my permission to ask me a question?"
Eddie feels his face flush, but he nods.
"Proceed," she says, crossing her arms and leaning back in her chair with a smirk that she definitely passed on to her daughter. Of course she's not going to make this easy on him. He gathers his courage. Moment of truth. Now or never. He can do this.
"CanImarryyourdaughter?"
Eddie's world stops as his words - or is just one big word? - hang in the air. He can't breathe. He can't blink. All he can do is watch the face of the person who will decide his fate. She considers it for what feels like ages, but eventually, a twinkle in her eye gives him hope.
"Eddie?"
"Yes, ma'am?"
"What took you so damn long?"
Eddie lets out the breath he's been holding all morning, feeling light-headed all of a sudden. That's a yes. They laugh together and sip their coffee quietly for a moment.
"You know," she says softly, "I put on a brave face for the kids, but I was so nervous about moving here. Starting over is terrifying. It really could've gone either way. Those first few weeks weren't great. The kids didn't know anybody. Couldn't even get them to leave the house. Hawkins felt so different from home. I was starting to think we'd made a huge mistake... and then, school started. Gareth came home rambling about joining a real Dungeons and Dragons club with his new friends. And you know what my daughter said to me, after her first day at her new school? Something she'd been dreading and griping about for months?"
Eddie shakes his head.
"She said, 'Mom, I'm gonna marry the guy I sat next to in homeroom.'"
Eddie's eyes fill with tears. Mary reaches across the table and puts her hand on his.
"You've been a part of this family since the day my kids met you, Eddie," she smiles. "So yes. Yes, you absolutely have my permission to make it official and marry my daughter."
"Thank you," he whispers, wiping his stupid eyes with his free hand. Stop leaking! This is a happy occasion!
"After you both graduate," she says firmly.
Eddie nods his head in agreement.
"Why are you here?" a sleepy voice asks from behind him. Eddie whirls around in his chair and spots his future wife standing in the doorway in rumpled pajamas and messy hair. He'll never love anyone else. "And more importantly, why are you crying?" she asks, suddenly more awake.
"I'm not crying," he argues.
"Mom, what'd you do to him?" she accuses, coming to stand behind him and put her hands on his shoulders. "You know I'm the only one allowed to make him cry!"
"I'm not crying, dammit!" he insists, wiping his eyes with his fists.
"Who's crying?" Gareth yawns, appearing in the doorway.
"All of us, now that you've cloaked us in that cloud of toxic fumes you call morning breath," the Evil One snarks. Gareth sticks out his tongue and breathes at her, and she pretends to stagger and faint, landing in the chair next to Eddie. She smiles and reaches out to move a stray strand of hair out of his face.
"I'm making a breakfast casserole," her mom announces, getting up from the table.
"That takes forever," Gareth whines.
"Then go back to sleep 'til it's ready," she answers, opening a cabinet and pulling out a mixing bowl.
"Do you need help?" her daughter asks dutifully, while her son drags his feet into the living room and collapses on the couch with a grunt.
"Nope," comes the answer. "Go back to bed, you sad excuses for teenagers are all up unnaturally early."
The love of Eddie's life looks at him with tired eyes and nods her head toward the bedroom. Taking the hint, Eddie gets up and pushes his chair in. She leaves the kitchen, yawning as she goes, knowing he'll follow.
"Hey," Mary says quietly, before Eddie disappears from sight. He slowly turns to face her. She crosses the room quickly and pulls him in for a hug. "You can call me Mom if you want to."
"Really?" he whispers. Mom. That's going to take some getting used to.
"Yeah," she says, pulling back to give him a meaningful look. "But I'd rather not be Grandma just yet, if you catch my drift."
"Yes, ma'am," he says quickly, feeling his face go red again.
"Go take a nap, favorite child of mine, I'll call you when breakfast is ready."
"Kay," he grins, spinning around and heading for bed with his future fiancée.
#writings of despair#eddie munson x you#eddie munson x reader#eddie munson x evil woman#eddie munson
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Personal post, but seeing this gif loose in the tournament brought up some stuff and I just needed to get it out of my system.
This moment right here is the reason why this show has come to have such a hold on my soul. Before I watched a single minute of the actual show, I came across the YouTube video where Jayden & George break down the confession scene and it includes this snippet where Charles says "there's no one else, no one else" and I knew then I had to see this show and that I was going to love it.
A few years ago, I fell in love with my best friend and having carried this love quietly for a long time, I finally told them how I felt. It was one of the scariest but also bravest things I've ever done. I had realised that I was ace earlier that year and it took me a long time to work out where I fell on the aromantic spectrum. It was because of my friend that I could understand what being "in love" meant. For me, romantic attraction is all about that secret third thing, that incurable hope to mean something to the other, to be allowed to love them and care for them and be a part of their life not matter what. So when I told them about my feelings, I wanted to acknowledge how important they are to me. I wanted them to know how much they are loved, how important their presence and friendship is in my life. And yes, I guess what I was hoping for was to be just as important to them as they are to me. I was asking them whether they wanted to go through life with me, and let me go through life with them. And although their answer was similarly to Charles a "not yet" rather than a definite "no", it caused a hurt I have still not recovered from and I'm not sure if I ever will. At the end of the day, I was not a priority to them enough that they wanted to figure out what the rest means together.
So hearing Charles say that "there's no one else, no one else" does something to my heart every single time I watch that scene. Having been the Edwin in this moment, I cannot tell you how much Charles' response to Edwin's confession is an affirmation of their friendship, of the importance of their relationship, no matter how they define it. No matter who Charles has a crush on at the moment, there is no one else he would go to hell for. Edwin is the most important person in the world to him and that will never change. It's exactly the response I was hoping for from my friend, the response I didn't get, and hearing Charles say these words tore my heart in two and healed it at the same time. The entirety of the confession scene still does all sorts of crazy things to my emotions, but this is the moment that I cannot let go of, that I will never recover from.
Edwin and Charles mean the world to me because their relationship is the definition of the secret third thing, so devoted that the distinction between romantic and platonic looses some of its significance. They are "it" for each other, they choose each other over heaven and hell over and over again. They care about each other so much that being apart is the only thing they cannot endure. They can deal with whatever happens to them, as long as they are together. The one thing that they are both completely sure of is that there is no one else for either of them. Their relationship is what I had hoped to build with my best friend, and to see these two ghost boys get there has healed something in my heart and made me feel incredibly seen.
#this turned into a whole essay I'm sorry I didn't realise I had all these words in me but I just needed to get them onto the page#dead boy detectives#dbda#payneland#edwin payne#charles rowland#secret third thing#my post#my gifs#this is the most personal thing I ever shared online please be kind friends
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Hi I didn't know who else to ask but I like your blog alot and was wondering If you could do Slashers with a lover who in their sleep subconsciously pats their back repeatedly like a baby while hugging them with brahms, Thomas hewitt, and the sinclair brothers included please🩷
a/n: thank you so much and thank you for the request <3 i'm sorry that it took so long, i've just had A LOT going on over the last year and have had barely any time for writing. and since i've been gone for so long, i will admit i'm a bit out of practice so i apologise in advance if this isn't to the standard you were hoping for
mentioned: brahms heelshire, thomas hewitt, bo sinclair, vincent sinclair, lester sinclair
brahms heelshire
brahms has always liked to cuddle with you at night. in fact, before you both started routinely sleeping together, he would sneak into your room at night and simply hold onto you for comfort
he knows that you're not against cuddling, so when he wakes up with your arms locked around him, he isn't surprised
but he is slightly surprised to find that you're patting him on the back as though he were a baby
in all the time that you've been sleeping together, not once have you ever done such a thing
it's a nice surprise, because brahms loves nothing more than physical comfort. your palm lightly tapping against his back calms him, eventually lulling him back to sleep
thomas hewitt
thomas has always enjoyed any form of physical contact with you. since he rarely speaks, physical contact is the only form of affection he can rely on
when he wakes up with your limbs tangled around his body, the first thing he notices is your hand gently patting his back. he can tell that you're asleep from your usual deep breathing so he doesn't have to check whether you're awake
althought this is a new thing that he knows you definitely haven't done before, he doesn't think much of it
instead, he welcomes it and simply allows himself to fall back to sleep, your hand patting his back bringing him nothing but comfort
bo sinclair
when you and bo first started out, he wouldn't so much as let you sleep in the same room as him, so when he feels your hand gently patting his back one night, it's safe to say he's in a state of both annoyance and shock
he knows you know not to be too intimate with him when you're in bed together, so why the hell are you currently patting his back like he's a damn baby?
your face is buried in his chest so he can't tell if you're awake or not so he decides to carefully untangle your limbs from him to get a better look. and to his surprise, you're asleep
he isn't sure what to do, because although he's uncomfortable with it, he also finds it to be oddly comforting. and you're not exactly conscious so it isn't like there's any reason for him to feel awkward, you don't know what you're doing, you don't even know that he knows
in the end, after A LOT of unnecessary deliberation, bo finally decides to just allow you to keep patting his back with your arms locked around his body
he enjoys it, although there is no way he will ever tell you that
vincent sinclair
when vincent wakes up to you patting his back one night, he's confused. especially because a lot of the time, the closest the two of you get when sleeping is when he holds you from behind
so when he wakes up with your face crushed against his chest and your limbs wrapped around his body, his immediate response is to feel a little uncomfortable
he isn't sure if you know that you're currently patting him on the back like he's a baby but he doesn't want to check either in case you're asleep
so he just lays there for a long moment, painfully aware of your hand against his back
he isn't sure whether he likes it, he also doesn't want to stop you
in the end, he decides to just ignore it and go back to sleep
he'll decide if he liked it in the morning
lester sinclair
when lester wakes up to find you're gently patting him on the back, he doesn't even have to think about it before deciding that he loves it and would love for you to do it more often
lester had never really experienced much physical affection before you, so he could care less that your body is currently wrapped around his, with your palm gently beating against his back. he'll take whatever he can get
he loves you and he loves being as close to you as possible so he lets you keep patting his back and eventually drifts back to sleep, content with the fact that you're both so close, in every sense of the word
[Main Masterlist]
#brahms heelshire#thomas hewitt#bo sinclair#vincent sinclair#lester sinclair#slashers#slasher headcanons#the boy 2016#the texas chainsaw massacre#house of wax 2005#brahms heelshire x reader#thomas hewitt x reader#bo sinclair x reader#vincent sinclair x reader#lester sinclair x reader#slashers x reader#slasher x reader#brahms heelshire headcanons#thomas hewitt headcanons#bo sinclair headcanons#vincent sinclair headcanons#lester sinclair headcanons#leatherface#the sinclair brothers#tcm
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happy happy birthday i hope you're having a great day 🍾🥳💐
If it's ok i would like to ask for "How can you still trust me after everything I've done?" with 🔥 and a female reader please? Maybe just a little nsfw-ish?
Thank you so much, Anon, for the lovely birthday wishes! I'm sorry this took a while, I hope you still enjoy it! Even though it's much more angsty than actualy NSFW... hope you don't mind that! Thank you!
Source for Pic and Pic
Fighter
Word Count: 4176
Tags: Fem!Reader; Dark!Ace; Angst; Hurt; Sorrow; Ambiguous/Open-ending; Mention of sex; Physical and emotional torture;
Special Warning: English is not my first language, I apologise for any possible spelling or grammar mistakes.
Summary: Ace was overtaken by some sort of Darkness and he's very intent on breaking you. You are a fighter, but how long can you last in such an unfair fight?
Notes: This fic was heavily inspired by the song The Fighter by In This Moment. I love this song so much! Please give it a listen, it fits right in.
|Masterlist|
Has it been weeks? Days? Surely not. It can't have been more than one day. A few hours, perhaps? Time seems to stand still. There's no window, no sun, no breeze, and definitely no air! It's suffocating, oppressing, and so full of despair.
The only light comes from a few torches scattered here and there, barely enough to discern if the wet patches on the damp earth below your feet are water or your own blood.
No, that's not right.
There's another source of light. A dark flame, so black one would think it came straight from the pits of hell. Where once burned a bright orange, almost golden-like flame, filled with love and laughter, now stands a void of hopelessness and desperation.
Ace.
Your Ace.
No, that's not right again. This is not your Ace. In front of you stands a twisted, cruel version of the man you love.
“Ready to break, love? Are you well rested?” His voice has the same timbre, but he never wielded it with so much cruelty. The way he uses your nickname rings familiar, but it is nowhere near the same.
And he's terrifying.
This Darkness that once was your lover approaches your broken form again, and you wince in preparation. Your arms are numb, and there's blood dripping from where the chains cut into your skin, from your dangled wrists. The bruises on your body paint a yellowish and purple complexion on your soft skin. There are welts and blisters forming as well from the burns he's inflicting on you.
But what's truly devastating isn't the physical pain this thing is bringing upon you. It's an emotional one. Because the same calloused hands that held you tight with love are now holding you tight with pain, branding you with dark flames, consuming you in all the wrong ways.
You want to beg for him to stop.
But you can't stop fighting.
I will always fall and rise again Your venomous heroine 'Cause I am a survivor Yeah, I am a fighter
“Ace.” You plead again, your words more broken than last time but filled with the same hope. “I know you're in there. I know you can hear me. Come back to me, love. Come back.”
For the briefest of moments, his dark eyes seem to flicker with some sort of light. Your heart skips a beat, and your breath catches in your lungs.
Then it's gone.
The Darkness laughs. An inhuman laugh devoid of all the warmth that Ace possesses, devoid of all his light, all his love. It hurts more than a million burns. His hands clutch your neck, squeezing tight until little black dots start to fill your vision, his digits marking new bruises on your battered skin as his lips dangle close to your own, twisted into an animalistic snarl that resembles nothing of your lover.
“Ace can't hear you, love. He's far gone. I'm all that's left, and I will break you.”
He releases you a moment before you're about to pass out, and your chest heaves, inhaling gulps of damp, stagnant air as your head feels light and empty.
Then, pain strikes again.
His dark flames create new burns, his fists bruising and battering. You’re not even sure of what's broken anymore. But nothing too important. No, he doesn't want to kill you.
Not yet, at least.
I will fall and rise above And in your hate I find love 'Cause I'm a survivor Yeah, I am a fighter
You pass out. Who knows for how long? Your only hope is that Ace is still somewhere inside, and that he's still listening to you.
He needs to come back.
Ache settles into your bones and your sore muscles. Your lips are dry and cracked, and thirst holds your tonsils ransom, trapped against your throat. You’re at least glad that you have nothing inside your belly, because the stench of your burning flesh is enough to revolt the strongest stomachs.
“Oh, here you are again, love. I thought I might have gone a bit too far this time.” His manic chuckle is a far cry from Ace’s giddy laughter. “Oops!” Your lover was never taunting, never cruel, never hurtful. You barely know how to cope with this reality.
One minute he was Ace, and the next he wasn’t. How did it happen? You can’t even remember if it was an enemy Devil Fruit or something else entirely. Whatever it was, it took your Ace away and replaced him with something ugly and dark.
“Come back, Ace, please.” You keep pleading. Ever since this thing brought you to this damp cave and started torturing you. But Ace doesn’t hear you. Is he still there?
He has to be. It’s far too painful to think he’s gone.
“You keep pleading for the wrong thing, love. Plead for your life. That’s all.” There’s a gleam in his eyes, but it’s the wrong spark. Where there used to be a boyish amusement, there’s nothing but twisted delight. He’s relishing the fact that he’s slowly breaking you.
And you won’t give him - it - this satisfaction.
“Remember us, Ace… please.” Maybe if you appeal to his heart, to the shared memories of happy days, he can come back to you. He was always a fighter, never a quitter. It doesn’t have to be different now.
You ignore the twisted and spent part of yourself that assures you that if he could come back, he would’ve already. The Ace you love would never have laid a single finger on you to hurt you.
This dark Ace takes a step back, his eyes widen, and he stutters. “Remember us?” Maybe it’s working.
You pull on the chains a bit more, but all that does is make you wince and writhe in pain. They’re too tight, and they’ve been biting at your skin, leaving it tender and bruised since he captured you.
“Yes. I remember us.” His lips pull back into a distorted smile that resembles nothing of the man you love, nor does the freakish sound that follows, an eerie, dark laugh. “I remember this.”
The Darkness steps closer, his hand caressing your cheek while his thumb presses against your lower lip. The other hand traces gentle patterns over your neck and collarbone, a familiarity in the gesture that brings tears to your eyes. It’s a lover's caress, but instead of warmth, all you feel is revulsion.
This will break you much faster than any other kind of torture.
I will not hide my face I will not fall from grace I'll walk into the fire, baby
“Do you know what Ace’s first memory of you is?” The Darkness’s tongue peeks out from his mouth as he licks his lips, his dark gaze never leaving yours while tears pool at the corners of your eyes. “Your smile. The way his heart raced when you smiled at him. Such a silly boy with silly dreams. So vulnerable, so in love.”
“Stop. Please stop…” The words are mere whispers as tears finally run freely over your scarred cheeks. These are precious memories, and he’s desecrating them all, turning them into weapons meant to hurt. “Ace… come back.”
“Keep pleading, love. It won’t do you any good, but it will feel so much better when you finally break.” His hand hovers over your breasts and dips lower, settling against your hip as he brushes his thumb against your hip bone. The gesture is intimate, akin to Ace’s touch, but so wrong, so perverse.
“Do you remember the first time he kissed you?” A cruel laugh echoes in your ears, his deep voice a corrupt mimicry of Ace’s soft tone. “Mighty Portgas D. Ace, a fearsome commander of the Whitebeard Pirates… nervous. A trembling mess of a man, too afraid to get it wrong, scared shitless you would leave him because he didn’t deserve you. He agonised over it for days. Foolish sap.”
You close your eyes as a painful sob claws its way through your chest and up your throat. You try to block the beautiful memory from reaching the surface, but the damage is done. You remember it as clearly as day.
Ace’s flushed, freckled cheeks. A nervous laugh escaping his trembling lips. The way he kept swaying on the tips of his toes, his hand either reaching for you or retreating to his pockets.
His deep breath before cupping your cheeks with shuddering, too-hot hands, just before his lips collided with yours. The kiss was too tense at first, too clumsy.
Until you relaxed in his hold and melted into his touch. When you sighed into his lips, he easily took your tongue with his and thoroughly scrambled your brain.
“Stop. Please stop.”
“Why should I? When it produces these sweet, sweet tears.” Clutching your face, he leans in, tongue reaching out and licking a long stripe from your jaw to your temple, collecting all your tears with a cruel sound of delight.
His hands bruise your neck again, holding tightly, revelling in the way your pulse races against his calloused fingers.
“Does it hurt, love? To know he once kissed you with such devotion, such tenderness, and now… now all you have is me.” His lips ghost yours and you bite your cheeks hard to keep from sobbing uncontrollably.
Unsatisfied with your lack of response, he releases your neck, and you gasp for air, but he’s relentless in this cruel game. His hands drop to your waist, pulling you closer. The chains holding you groan and rattle in protest, and you let out a pained whimper.
“I know exactly how he touched you.” The pressure is the same, his hand feels the same, he smells and looks the same. Your heart aches and weeps, and you grieve because, even though he looks the same, he couldn’t be farther from the man you’re devoted to.
His fingers trace upwards, brushing your bruised ribs, and you hate how your body reacts to his familiar touch. You can’t control the longing you feel for him any more than you can control the tears streaming down your face.
“I remember how he vowed to protect you from all harm. How he would much rather die than see you hurt.” The way he drags Ace’s laugh into a twisted, cruel version of it carves a deep abyss of pain within your chest. You know he’s speaking the truth. Ace was always your protector. It would kill him to know what he’s done to you now.
Still…
You’d much rather have him with you, feeling terrible for hurting you, than not having him at all.
All my life I was afraid to die And now I come alive inside these flames
“Shut up. Stop. Please.” You barely have the strength to plead anymore. This is so much worse than when he was only hurting your body. You can endure physical pain, but not this merciless torture.
“I know exactly how he loved you.” The grip on your waist tightens until it bruises again. “How he watched you sleep in his arms, memorising each freckle, each dimple, each dip and crease of your skin. How he committed your scent to memory to keep himself grounded when he was away from you. How his fingers knew the curves of your body by heart, and how you sounded when you unravelled for him.”
An anguished wail leaves your parted lips as each word he delivers taunts you, breaks you, tears another piece of your heart apart, and tosses it aside, broken and used up. You’ve fought so hard until now, you can’t give up. Not even when all of his words are meant to shatter your resolve, to destroy your soul.
You need to stay strong and fight for Ace.
“Ace…”
“He loved you so much.” The chains creak and groan as he keeps pulling you, bruising your skin with brutal touches. “And me? Well, I can use that love to completely destroy you.” He collects a tear with an extended finger, his eyes gleaming with malice as you crumble further. “I will change and twist your memories so much that you’ll wish you’d never loved him. Or plead for me to kill you.” He shrugs nonchalantly. “Whichever comes first.”
Each word, each gesture is a reminder of him, of what he used to be. Of what he is, hidden beneath all those layers of malevolence.
“Remember how he used to touch you like this…” His words trail and linger near your ear as he runs his fingers down your spine in an all-too-familiar gesture. Your body betrays you once more, his touch so akin to home that you arch towards him, a broken whimper leaving your lips as another tear trails down your scorched cheek.
The Darkness revels in your reaction, drinking every sob, every sound, every twitch like it’s fuel keeping him alive.
“Oh… yes, he loved that sound. All the little noises you made for him, it always drove him half-mad, knowing he was the one responsible for provoking them, for making you come undone beneath his fingers.”
Another sob claws its way up your throat as a new wave of beautiful memories fills your mind.
“More, Ace, more.”
“Yes, love. You have all of me.” His languid thrusts drove you crazy. Each stroke of his hips hit places that made you see white. He drew pleasure from you as naturally as he drew flames from within himself.
Moans and whimpers, prayers and pleas. They left your parted lips in an unintelligible litany of muffled, half-drowned words.
“That’s it, love. Those noises right there, keep ’em coming for me. All for me.”
And then he would kiss you breathless, swallowing everything you had to give him. Taking it all in so he could breathe life back into you again.
And you loved every second of it.
Now, all those precious memories are tainted. Tainted by his cruel words, tainted by his brutal touch, tainted by his wicked ways.
And you’re so drained that you don’t know how much more of this you can actually take.
“And you… do you remember what you whispered to him?” His lips brush against the sensitive spot beneath your ear, and you swallow a gasp, the chains biting harder into your skin, but you’re already numb to that pain. “How you’d tell him you were his, how you would never want to let go of him, you promised him forever.”
Your lower lip trembles helplessly as the Darkness’s voice drags, malice dripping like venom and sticking to your skin, sticky and disgusting.
“And when he made love to you…” No… no… no… “When he touched you in all the right places…” His hands grasp your sides and climb up slowly, thumbs brushing your nipples as you fight a torrent of tears. “You’d scream his name, crying out for him like he was your whole world.”
This time, the broken sob leaving your lips is soul-crushing, and you feel the weight of it deep in your chest.
“That’s it, love. Let it all out.” He brushes his lips against yours in a mockery of intimacy. Another familiar gesture, but a malicious travesty of the reality you were used to. “Mourn for him, for the man who is no more. For the one who promised to keep you safe. Grieve for the loss of his soul. Let me hear you break apart.”
It’s too much. It’s all so devastating.
“Stop… please.” Strength is leaving you. The Darkness hurt you before, bleeding you dry, breaking your bones and scarring your flesh. But this violation of your most sacred memories is what finally breaks you.
You feel yourself slowly slipping away. You will not last much longer.
Closing your eyes, you let your face fall forward, a silent sign of defeat. “Do you want him back?” He asks, his cold hands cradling your face so you can look him in the eyes. The viciousness that gazes back at you is unfamiliar, cold, and disheartening.
It’s not your Ace.
“Beg for him, love. Call his name like you used to. It won’t do any good, but it will make victory taste so much better.” His thumbs brush away another batch of tears, and you can’t take it anymore.
“Ace…”
He doesn’t falter. There’s not even a hint of recognition in his dark eyes. He’s gone.
“He’s gone, love. But he remembers you. How your laugh was able to pull him away from the darkness within himself. How lucky he felt when you kissed him and how worthy you made him feel. Like he was much more than a name, more than the son of a cursed pirate, more than a legacy of a man he hated.”
He presses his forehead against yours, and the intimacy of it is so vivid that, for a moment, you think your Ace is back.
“Do you know how many sleepless nights he spent with you in his arms? Just listening to your breathing, completely terrified of losing you one day? How he wished he could protect you from everything that would seek to cause you harm? How his fingers traced every inch of you, afraid he’d forget.”
The dread in your chest expands, taking away your breath. The hurt travels down your legs and up your numb arms. Your head feels lighter, and your throat constricts with agony. You need to let go.
“Please… please… stop. Just stop…”
But the Darkness doesn’t relent. “You made him dream of a future he never thought he’d want… of children he vowed never to have. You were his anchor, grounding him in this life, making him feel like he was deserving of happiness.”
His lips hover over yours, hands clutching your face, the pressure building, yet you feel no pain anymore. You can barely think.
“Do you know what the cruellest part is, love?” He pulls back long enough to look into your eyes, a ghost of Ace’s smile painting his lips. “He never got to say goodbye.”
“Make it stop… I’m done…” The whisper that leaves your lips carries more than defeat. It carries a desperate tragedy. How can something so beautiful as the love you shared with Ace be torn into pieces? How can it be dissected with such malice?
“Finally!” He chants in victory as his hands clasp your cheeks again and he presses his lips hard against yours.
The kiss is bruising, cruel, a mimicry of Ace’s, but yet, still too familiar. It brings with it another litany of relentless sobs that you just can’t keep at bay. His hands slither over your body in a mockery of a caress and they tuck your neck, pressing gently at first, his lips still glued to yours, claiming both your soul and your body to darkness.
Then his thumbs press hard against the dip of your throat and all the air is cut off from you. You’re suffocating, thrashing silently against both his hold and the icy grip of the chains and you know your time has come.
It’s as tragic as it is poetic that the man who brought love into your life should also bring death; that the one who so easily breathed life into you, can also take your last breath away.
Whimpers and gasps leave your constricted throat as your feet kick and thrash, but he doesn’t relent. You feel wetness against your cheeks and taste salt in your dried tongue, though the source of those tears is unknown to you. Are they yours, or the Darkness?
Just as you’re slipping away, the hold on your throat falters and the lips pressed against you lose their harshness, they become soft and pliant, warmer for a moment. Then, with a harsh gasp and a step back, Ace cries in agony, his hands clutching his dark locks as his eyes shut firmly.
Air fills your lungs again and you cough, tasting blood with each convulsion. He might not have killed you yet, but he came pretty close.
“Ace… Ace…” You try, each gasp more breathless than the last, but each new gulp filled with newfound hope. He’s fighting.
Your Ace is fighting.
With another agonised scream, Ace pants, breathlessly. Globs of saliva spew from his gritted teeth as he struggles to open his eyes. Then his gaze lands on you, your name spilling from his lips in raw pain as he assesses your wounds, the wounds he inflicted upon you himself.
“Love… Oh, God, no. What have I done?” With a wobbly step, Ace draws near your body, hands stretched and trembling as he cups your cheeks lovingly. A lone sob breaks through your pursed lips.
It’s your Ace. It’s his touch. It's unmistakable.
“Please, please, love. I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry.” Each word comes drenched in grief, saturated with misery. Each touch filled with caution and care.
“It’s you… it’s really you.” Your words are mere murmurs and each of them is a fresh new wound on Ace’s heart. Pressing his forehead against yours, he mumbles another supplication.
His arms wrap themselves around your wounded body and you shiver against his familiar touch. The warmth of his breath against your hair and neck comforts you as he holds you close, as if trying to shield you from a damage that’s already been done, from something he caused and can’t take back. “Please, please…”
But you shouldn’t have rejoiced too soon. Ace’s body convulses twice against your own, his touch harsher, his strength doubling and you feel a fresh wave of nausea hitting your senses, disorienting you.
“Ace?”
“No!” Ace growls, burying his face against the curve of your neck. “No!” He cries out again while his scream is muffled against your skin. A sharp, stabbing pain travels up your arm as his teeth sink with a sickening crunch of flesh being broken.
Ace’s hands, which cradled you lovingly mere moments before, are now harsh and brutal against your frail body. His touch feels too unkind, too hot.
“You can’t have her!” The Darkness roars, pulling Ace’s head back violently, though his grip never falters. “You think she’ll forgive you after all you’ve done?”
You can’t speak, you can’t think, you can’t breathe. Ace’s flames dance in front of you, surrounding him like a sickening halo. They turn from orange to black and to an in between that disorients you. His touch aches, burns and scars.
“Ace… fight!” You try to plead but your voice is too weak, too feeble and powerless to reach him in a battlefield you're not privy to. This is his fight to win, and you are a mere spectator.
“You can’t…” He begins, a growl and a roar leave his lips as his arms erupt into a blazing inferno, searing your skin and making you cry out in pain and agony. “You can’t take her from me!” With a final clamor, Ace breaks free from the Darkness and his release is so literal that you can actually hear a loud clatter, like glass being broken while invisible shards fly everywhere. A final flame licks your body with ruthlessness and your broken lament dies with it.
“Love?” Ace’s broken voice barely reaches your ears. He, somehow, removes the harsh chains and the cruel bite is no more, though you can scarcely feel it as he cradles you against his body. “Love, come on, you can’t do this to me…” The tears that fall from his eyes almost hiss as they kiss your scorching skin. “I’m so sorry… I’m sorry… How…?” A broken sob shakes his shoulders as buries his face in your hair. “How can you still trust me after everything I’ve done?”
Ace’s world crumbles as you flutter away from him. Ragged, uneven breaths leaving your lips while your eyelids tremble in a defeated effort to open.
He’s losing you.
And it’s all his fault.
“Please don’t leave me. Fight… please. I’ll never let anything hurt you again…” The sorrow in his words weighs heavily in your heart, yet your body doesn’t respond to your will and you can’t seem to reassure him; you can’t tell him you don’t resent him, that it wasn’t his fault, that he doesn’t need to blame himself.
Because if there’s someone who doesn’t need to carry more guilt, it’s Ace.
And yet, there’s no strength left to let him know that. Your chest heaves one last time and, suddenly, the fight is lost, and there is no clear winner.
Because if there’s someone who deserves all the happiness in the world, it’s Ace.
“Please, come back. I love you…”
But all the love in the world couldn’t save you.
All the love in the world couldn’t save him.
A frail wail leaves Ace’s lips as he shuts his eyes in agony, and he almost misses the flicker of hope that makes your chest tremble again while a soft sigh escapes your lips.
I don’t need you to save me ‘Cause I’m a survivor, yeah I am a fighter
Tag List: @rosidaze @beachaddict48 @armiliadawn @jintaka-hane @sprinkklz @baby5555 @hopelesslover06 @mars-mizuko @sleepykittycx @nerium-lil @eustasscapitankid @ren-ni @jqperi @lycoriskalmia @daydreamer-in-training
#one piece#one piece x reader#x reader#op#ace x reader#portgas d ace x reader#portgas ace x reader#portgas d ace#you x ace#ace x you#reader insert
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First day back at the university and I still suck at this exactly as much as I did 4 years ago
#i wish doing something over and over actually made it easier from then on#how come i've done this so many times and i'm still as horrified by the prospect of group projects and exams and all as in the very start#can they invent a higher education that doesn't require you to prepare a group project for every damn subject that exists#can they also invent an intercating with people#in a way that doesn't leave me feeling like the only person on earth who somehow doesn't get it#how do people just start talking and becoming friends :( it's literally impossible for me#it's such a mystery. how the hell do they all do this. what's your fucking secret !!!!!!!!!#not that i expected to become friends with anyone in one day#but one day was already enough for me to start feeling as alienated and othered from everyone else as i've always felt#like god it's always the same damn thing. each year i hope it'll be different and it's still the fucking same#i try to appear nice and approachable and chime in to the conversation whenever i can (just like i've been doing for the past 4 years)#but i guess there must just be something deeply wrong with me that makes everyone avoid me in the end anyway#am i really that unfriendable. can anyone tell me what i'm doing wrong#and why no one is interested in holding a conversation with me for more than 5 minutes in total#it's literally back to the same thing that i've done over and over before and i truly don't see any point in any of this anymore#it's just so ridiculous 😭😭😭 why do i even keep trying at this point#back to school so back to crying alone in my room every evening i guess#how beautiful how poetic. i almost forgot this was the daily standard for the entire past year#never getting out of this ok i get it :))#friendship was meant to be for everyone but me i get it now!!!#worst year ever everything bad is happening. going to my first funeral on thursday i'm definitely going to take that well hahaha#it's been only a day and i'm already so done. ok.#i'm freaking out man what am i even supposed to be doing anymore. it's all pointless
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🗒
#blessings roll call!#feel free to hop in the tags or replies <3#started my new job this week-- working as a PT tech at a rehab clinic#that training is going well and it's such a blessing to not have to be actively searching for a job during the semester#since I've got a very full class schedule trying to find time to apply and interview would be a nightmare rn#so grateful that got done literally right before the semester picked up#and now I can focus on learning the job. also praise that all my coworkers are kind and patient.#school is going better than expected. there's a lot to do but so far I'm doing really well in all my classes#and singing in choir has been such a joy!#we have so many gorgeous pieces including a Sara Teasdale poem arranged for chorale#it sounds heavenly! the solo is lovely and the alto part is a lot of sustained notes that come together with the other parts to make this#insane almost organ-like sound#got to chat with my bestie today at my other job which was good#homemade soup!#food in general actually. The first week or two of the semester I was subsisting on nothing or junk food#and got to the point where I was starting to feel like crap and went grocery shopping#I've been bringing meals to college and work the last 2 weeks and it's made such a difference!#and I missed eating vegetables and actually getting protein so now I have nutrient-dense meals and it's great#actually getting close to enough sleep and it's been great#talked to my grandparents about visiting over Christmas break and they're down so I might be going to see them soon!#hanging out with my sister a bit more now that we drive to school together#despite being super busy it's been a good month. ups and downs but overall the best September I've had in a while#prayer request-- the one thing I haven't been consistent with is my quiet times.#definitely struggling in that area right now. please pray I can spend time in worship and prayer and study even when I don't feel like it <#college chronicles#journal
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spending a normal amount of time staring at clocks in tsp:ud
they start every loop at 11:20, and move forward at what seems to be a normal pace at least insofar as i've checked with a stopwatch. while someone is watching them. they keep ticking away, but they don't actually move if you aren't looking at them. so every clock i've looked at is at 11:20 in the moment i first look at it. the two i can see from the room i'm in, one of them is almost at 11:30, and the other is barely past 11:20. i'm trying to watch this one long enough to get a sense of if the hour hand Also moves. it isn't important but i'm committed now so.
or uh
most of them. start at 11:20.
the one visible from 432's desk, seems like the hour hand is broken maybe
minutes hand moves but hour hand is dead on the 12 and doesnt seem to be going anywhere
which i'm sure is
Fine
i'll go back and check that one after i'm more sure whether the hour hand moves on this one
#i need. data. to support my character interpretation#probably someone else has already done this#but i could go track it down. or i could keep the screen on an in-game clock for like 20 minutes#(and running between clocks and having a small crisis when i first realized they were *only* moving when i looked at them)#(and that's why the ticks were off from the seconds hand)#........and i apparently made my choice ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#okay the hour hand definitely moves on this one. i. gotta go check the other one now#edit: yeah the hour hand for the one they could see does not move at All so far as i can tell#....now that i've actually observed it i Feel like i've seen someone talking about that somewhere before but i. forgor who or where or. whe
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bleach is gonna be part of the process no matter what, due to the fact my hair is black/brown lmao
my hair has been most of these at one point or another, also specific shades will be up to me but suggestions would also be taken if you wanna give them with your vote!
im also thinking I'll just dye my whole head, so it'll be all of my hair not just some parts
#this is very much not a super serious thing btw i don't have huge attachments to my hair#I've dyed my hair many times im just unsure what to do now#i think there is only color listed here i haven't done?? though idk if you can really count another one since it was kinda an iffy dye job#and I've only done my WHOLE head in like 3 of them#so!!! feel free to go crazy also ive had rainbow hair before too so im not scared to get a little odd#though more complex things will DEFINITELY require help#shh ac
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vent fics my fucking beloved
#it is 2:41AM and for the past literal hour (1:44AM) I have done nothing but type up internalized homophobia Thominho#no lie it is the saddest and also most incoherent bullshit I've ever typed#I can't tell if I feel sadder or better now tbh#but I am definitely feeling something that I wasn't feeling before#I'm going to pretend it's a good feeling#maybe I can convince myself it is one#lmao#delete later
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I just had to see this comment on that 'how anxious are you while driving' poll:
and tbh... haha shut your mouth :)
#thanks for the advice! guess I'll not leave the house ever again then :)#bitch I have anxiety. everything makes me a bit anxious sometimes. so yeah driving IS a bit scary sometimes.#but guess what? I can judge if I'm safe to drive or not! and I fucking am!#I've never even put the tiniest scratch in the car.#I drive better than plenty of people that I know and it's *because* it makes me a bit anxious sometimes#I pay attention to everything. I don't drive too fast I don't do stupid shit I'm a good driver#not perfect. definitely not.#but I know what I feel comfortable with and if I don't I don't fucking drive (like yeah when there's lots of snow I won't drive!)#sorry but I hate shit like this#if this is your opinion uuh don't talk to me I guess? because it's shitty as fuck#like?? why do you think you can judge that shit better than. I don't know. my driving instructor for example? that man saw me have a panic#attack in my second lesson and he was still the one who convinced me I could do it.#even the examiner thought I did great even though I was very anxious (because it's a fucking TEST. and it's expensive as fuck.)#so please fuck off :)#sorry I don't usually care about stupid shit like this but I had to see that on my dash and. nope it's too fucking stupid to ignore#they probably meant well. and I don't care! :) because I've heard shit like this my whole life and if I didn't do everything that makes me#anxious I couldn't do ANYTHING. yes. driving is serious. making sure everyone on the road isn't in danger is serious. and guess what? I'm#completely sure I take that into consideration more than 99% of drivers before they get into their cars :)#okay rant over I'm done I just. ugh it makes me mad.#personal
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ok i have to think about this rationally & stop panicking so I can finally sleep. gonna talk to myself in the tags for a bit.
#ok so. no more 'but what if I'm faking it'. If I feel bad I Feel Bad. and I Feel Bad.#doesn't matter what my mom thinks or whatever I Feel Bad and definitely not good enough to ride a train for a few hours on sunday#and then go to school every day next week for multiple hours on a row. and walk to and from school. absolutely not.#I will simply have to call the doctor again and maybe show up for an appointment and we'll see what he says.#maybe I can convince him I actually don't feel good. I'll have to do that bc I don't have another choice ig.#who cares what the ppl at work think if maybe in 2 weeks I still don't feel good enough to come back.#I can't come to work if I feel bad. I couldn't fucking do anything there if standing up for a bit makes me dizzy!!#and if it takes multiple months or whatever. Then that's how it is. I can't be the first apprentice ever to get sick. There must be rules#and stuff for when this happens. I'll figure it out. Gonna take it one step at a time.#And the first step is to not go to school next week bc just the thought of it is making me sob uncontrollably.#good. i think that was everything i was worrying about. just hope my mom will be ok with me not going to school.#and I just have to be brave and call the doctor again on monday and send more emails and stuff.#but I have done it before I can do it again.#doddie redet#ok NOW good night. 🌃#is having trouble sleeping a symptom as well bc I've been having trouble sleeping since the beginning of this week...
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weh.
#vent post. ignore this I've just done enough trauma dumping in my friends DMs so it's going on your dash instead#it's such a dreadful feeling when someone definitely cares about you but it's increasingly obvious that they don't really *like* you#you'd think one would require the other but nope! I've been on the other end of this before#if someone you care about pisses you off or wrongs you enough times you will stop enjoying their company even if you do still care#but you don't want to hurt them so you can't say that you just have to be distant enough that they drift away on their own#and now I can feel that happening to me. I fucked up enough times and they've got more pleasant people to spend time with#I know I should just back off and let things run their course but it still fucking hurts. it hurts a lot
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On a scale from one to ten, how based of me is it that I took the GGST survey for the second time just to put a BlazBlue character that appeared in exactly one novel and then never again in one of my three "additional character I would like to see the most in the future" spots?
#ADD SEVEN TO THE GAME COWARDS#this is a maniac's wish and while i do laugh at myself for it i am also 100% serious about it. i'd love to see him in any game#or anything at all for that matter#i mean c'moooon we've done mages in fighting games already. you've put asuka in strive! what's a silly little witch man no one's ever heard#of?#just imagine... a witch guy with long flowy blonde hair and fluttery robes like asuka's who fights with water and ice magic and maybe a#sword also. now doesn't that just sound like a sight for sore eyes?#he could summon a WATER DRAGON as his cinematic super! can you fathom how cool that would look?!#if we're talking strictly in strive terms he'd probably play like a weird mix of zato asuka and ky#ky for the manner of sword usage (since we have sol nago baiken and JOHNNY as of recently)‚ zato for the feel of flowiness when it comes to#using his abilities (every move connects to the next‚ unlike with asuka who just keeps spawning geometrical bodies)#and asuka for resource management and overall aesthetic (though he could definitely be made so that you don't need an excel sheet to play#him properly arcsys please)#god i wish i had more time in my life I would absolutely learn how to mod guilty gear and mod him over asuka if i could#but if i strived to keep his original ''moveset'' (i say as if he's ever had one) blazblue would probably be the way to go since i've heard#from modders there that you could‚ hypothetically‚ mod an entire new character into the game (though it would obviously take a gargantuan#amount of work)#speaking of which‚ how in sam hell did they manage to mod sin into strive before he was even released???#logs
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Text recounting of the full events below but oh my god please watch this person explain the wildest thing happening to them
[image text]r/trueoffmychest post by CptnSpaceCase tiktok handle kelseycanstand
Today my aide cooked what should not be cooked
I have to get this out, because today feels like an actual nightmare I keep expecting to wake up from.
I'm disabled, and need help with stuff around the house. Today was the second day with a new agency and new home health aide, "Tina." I set it up so she would come by in the morning while I'm sleeping (insomnia is killer), and I texted her last night what I would need done today.
One of those things was to roast some precut squash I'd gotten so I could have it with my salads and pasta. I was very clear in my instructions: what it looked like, where it was in the fridge, how to use the oven, how to cook it. I also have a roommate who was up and told her she could ask them for help if she couldn't find anything. Or come get me if truly necessary.
Now, I have three pet ball pythons. They eat rats that I thaw from frozen in the fridge in a reusable plastic bag. Yes, that's where I'm going with this.
Tina couldn't find the squash, and so, obviously, that meant she should roast the first other thing she could see that was technically also encased in plastic, in a completely different area of the fridge. The FUCKING RATS. In butter and salt, in my nice baking dish.
And like, that's insane all on its own, but if you're going to cook any animal, you should at least clean and skin it first, right??? Like, do the crazy, disgusting thing properly so I can respect the effort, instead of sticking them in as is. Fur and guts and all.
And the smell. Good God baby Jesus the SMELL. It woke me up and had me gagging the moment I opened my bedroom door. Definitely not squash. Or food-smelling for that matter. At first I thought the squash had spontaneously rotted overnight and she'd tried to cook it anyway. That would have been slightly less insane and much preferable.
I had to pull it out of her what she was cooking instead when she said she couldn't find it (it was in plain sight), had to open the oven and see my snakes' dinners in place of my own and still couldn't process what the fuck was happening, what I was looking at and smelling. I don't like yelling at people and generally avoid it. Today was a day for exceptions. And at the end of my half-crazed, dissociative rant, I told her to get the whole dish and its contents and herself out of the fucking house. And to not come back.
Suffice to say, I've contacted the agency to report it and am requesting a new aide. Now I'm sitting at a cafe trying to calm down and eat something despite the scent memory that's taken up permanent residence and turning my stomach. The whole house reeks like musty, sewage-dipped pork that had been left out for a whole day before being cooked in rancid oil, and I'm not sure Febreeze is gonna cut it. I don't want to go home. 🫠😭
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wait also my tags on that post were about people i knew in freshman and sophomore year of college specifically. i mean some of them i knew after that and most of them i knew from high school but damn some people really made everything about themselves when i was being emotionally manipulated in my freshman year
#i cant even think about it. makes so like disappointed and upset to think about some people.#its also just crazy how some people have like no introspection abilities at all.#they'll be like 'you did x once you abused me' ignoring how they did x 15 times and y 20 times and also came at me physically violently#and i know its not a calculator. i know i cant put all the bad things we did to each other into an algorithm that tells us who abused who#like i am aware that we had a toxic relationship and its better now that we are not in contact#but it makes me shake my head when i think about screenshots people used to send me of stuff my ex friends were saying about me on twt#because those people DO think they can put every bad thing ive ever done into a calculator that will show the result that i abused them#anyway. i like to think any person who knows me well and/or irl knows thats not me and i dont talk to almost anyone from that time anymore#i still follow and talk to fee...i think i still follow joanna but she is never on anymore....#in the end there is not much use in thinking anf agonizing about this anymore. i used to go into spirals a lot like maybe i DID abuse x fri#end and i just didnt REALIZE it maybe im CRAZY but. i definitely dont do that anymore. what she said to me made me do that.#(again. emotional manipulation.)#but its so crazy to remember high school and college from my current vantage point. i've lived so much good life since then.#now i own a house. i garden (something x friend told me i would never be responsible enough for) i have a boyfriend who has been scretly#into me for over year before we started dating (something x friend always told me i was imagining in people) i have a job i find fulfillment#in (something x friend said i would never find if i kept changing jobs looking for one i liked)#i feel like i make a post ever year or so when i inevitably end up looking back on those times...and i always feel guilty for making them#because i dont want it to seem like im gossiping or slandering (even though x friend posted about me all the time) but idk#i dont go to therapy yknow. i just journal and write and think in my head and on occasion i make a blog post with rambling tags#i talk to people and learn about them and through that learn about me. i read and learn about the world and the mind.#im not saying i wouldnt go to therapy if i could afford it...but i guess im defending my right to make a post about the past every year-ish.#it helps#t
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Failing to be a comforming student and not being able to rest (especially mentally) is quite literally making me want to die at this point. I barely have hope for me holding a job getting any better and can't see how I can get through next year filled with internships and a minor without a lot of failure, dissapointed and angry teachers and supervisors suffering and burning out with no self esteem or hope left
#In the grand scheme of things I apreciate life and it's not that serious but it feels that serious to be so mentally distressed and escapist#Like I'm not a danger to myself but definitely a wrack#personal#I even had to quit adhd medication because I was in too much distress to properly try the medication#have to wait until I get passed#this intense schedule until I can try again#I often start with task convinced I can't do it anymore with very little motivation and racing thoughts and end up with sleep issues#making me fall further behind#Constantly writing dissapointing update mails about how I can't meet certain expections#I feel best when I'm too exhausted to feel enxious and actually feel sleepy and relaxed#don't have proper weekends where I'm fully allowed to rest#Haven't had a vacation in months and the time off I've had in the passed years weren't free of duties due to always being behind#I#barely getting through one thing and then I have to put it asidr for something else that needs to get done first and suddenly has priority#I can't keep up anymore I need a break before I have the right to have one which is awfully inconvenient
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