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lockhartandlych · 2 months

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i just realized that my aceness is driven by my aroness.

i dont perceive romantic relationships like a lot of allos do. i can perceive close and intimate relationships, i can even perceive lifelong close and intimate relationships. (though like most people, i find it a daunting concept.) but i cant perceive, specifically, exclusive romantic relationships. "till death do us part" is a phrase that does not compute in my brain.

this translates over to sex. if i have a close friend or queerplatonic partner (i don't think im capable of having a true romantic partner) who i'm able to be intimate with, i don't think that intimacy is required. it's nice, but ultimately not needed to fuel the relationship. this is because the relationship isn't romantic in the allonormative sense. a romantic relationship has sex almost as a prerequisite. in an allo society, a romantic relationship and a sexual relationship are one and the same. i've only been in like two romantic relationships and both started entertaining the idea of intimacy right out of the gate.

but because i don't experience romantic relationships, i don't need to really experience sexual relationships. does that make any sense?

#i can see why a lot of allos think aces/aros are childish #it can be very easy to equate not having a normalized urge with not understanding it #but honestly i think i understand allo sexuality more than i do my own sexuality #i grew up with it. watched it on tv. read about it in books. was told i'd experience it eventually #i can and have given allos relationship advice that has worked #i've been told im good at it #i just find it interesting that i can understand something so well and not experience it at all #and meanwhile struggle so much with understanding myself #musings #asexual #aromantic #ace/aro

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canonkiller · 8 months

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do you consider your self made?

#my art #self portrait of sorts #been musing a lot on disability recently and how being relatively freshly unable to do Most Things has changed my perspective on things #for a long time growing up i was fixated on the idea of being An Impact On The World yknow? mainly the next Big Writer #(and that it would be sooo impressive that everyone would make my books bestsellers when i was only 12 because it was That Good)#and i mean. obviously that didnt work out as originally planned because i was 12 and learning. but I've felt a lot like #I've kind of built my sense of self on those big achievements. even if they were only big to me. and a lot of them #are now out of reach or very difficult to reach. and it's been a lot to. recontextualize #to take what ive been told my whole life and ignore it in favor of just being being enough.#things will happen as they happen. i havent earned anything by suffering but it hasnt ended the world either #im here doing what i Can do for as long as I'm able to do it. and thats all i need to be for now #just making sure that i Do do the things i can do rather than assume i can do them later #anyways. love you #cw:#top nudity #artistic nudity #the dreaded ambiguously presenting nipple #if you put any pro weight loss eating disorder shit on here ill kill you btw #my body is sexy because im in it and im still alive. not because its struggling to stay that way #lindwormposting

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doafp · 3 months

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#sorry no 'other' option #these are the core shows i've posted about on this blog and im curious what other people think #personally i'm going doafp #because i think the other two shows ended at a good spot #andi mack felt like it was only meant to share a chapter in andi's life and i believe it told that chapter successfully #everything wrapped up nicely and (although i would have loved to see it) a fourth season wasn't necessary imo #jatp ended with some cliffhangers but if you remove some of the more obvious ones (caleb possessing nick in the last minute??)#then i think the show could have been a near perfect single season series #but doafp. sigh #well. you know #doafp #diary of a future president #andi mack #jatp #julie and the phantoms

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lacomandante · 5 months

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HELLO i'm alive, I just barely survived 9 days in Girona doing costumes for Assumpta's short film reels.....and immediately after we came back I had to do some frantic sewing in time for the week of events planned for the Dos de Mayo. I met up with some new friends I had met at the Museo de Traje two weeks or so earlier, and my Spanish has improved SO MUCH during my time here. I am so happy and having SO much fun. I based this spencer off of one Assumpta wears in Rossini, Rossini!, and had two days to make it. I did my hair how Teresa's looks in a snood in Company, but made a madroñera instead- it's a little lower class than Teresa would've worn, I think, but it was appropriate. (I want to make all of the costumes Assumpta wears in her films and make a pre-war Teresa wardrobe, though I'll be remaking this red spencer!) Over the course of the week we walked through many parks, got to see the changing of the guard, we went to many palaces, and I got to participate in the Dos de Mayo parade and battle, which was insanely cool, and where the first two photos are taken! I also got to go to a wonderful ball and danced with all my friends, which I'll post photos of soon. Now that the events are over, I'm rereading Sharpe's Command bc I have my review in my drafts and want to revisit it.

#;ooc #;kiran goes to spain #(i had quite the crush on fernando who is in the bicorn hat)#(but he is gay LMFAOOOOOOOO just my goddamn luck)#(but he's a really amazing friend and my spanish has improved SO MUCH talking to him bc he doesnt speak any english)#(and he's patient and kind and very helpful and i've learned a lot)#(and a lot of my new friends have told me that A: my pronunciation is actually really good #(and B: that when I do speak I speak it like i've been speaking for years which is a HUGE shock to me and i am so so pleased)#(im going to be really sad when i go back home and loose this ability bc i have no one to practice it with)#(BUT i have so many photos and so much fun!!!!!!)

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alchemania · 11 months

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Finally got enough energy to talk about Furina's SQ and while I loved her and the troupe, MC and Paimon were .... Not Great. I talked about this with friends but in Paimon's case especially, the way they interact with Furina feels like people who just don't understand trauma and depression and then engage with someone suffering from both in all the wrong ways.

Talking about how much of a downgrade her house is from the opera house, making fun of how she can't cook, pushing her to act when she's set a very clear boundary and then guilt tripping her after she's stuck to her guns, shaming her for not being able to fight well (Paimon literally talks about how second hand embarrassment is overwhelming and I'm just like ?????), telling her she's "not acting like herself" when she attempts to open up and be vulnerable....it's just really rough. That and the MC asking "is something wrong" when Furina gets sad over Poission ..like bro people died and she couldn't save them and she's tearing herself apart over it. Those people are never coming back and you know it and you have the gall to ask her is something wrong??? Of COURSE there is!!

It just feels especially odd because we literally get to see all of Furina's suffering and Paimon in particular is. SO mean? Like she was more understanding with Wanderer and Ei and THEY'VE tried to kill us multiple times!! I don't get it, and honestly I'm very proud of Furina for refusing to waver. Let her rest!! She's tired and depressed and she needs time to heal; and honestly fuck Paimon for trying to make her feel bad. Furina's worked harder than she EVER will.

#as someone with depression and who's highly sensitive this story quest hurt a LOT because ive also encountered people who don't understand.#i've been told i need to get over my anxiety. i've been asked what am i so tired from since i just lay in bed.#so furina's character and how she was treated hit very very hard for me. she's isolating herself and not coping well but she is TRYING.#she's trying so hard and she equates her worth to her role. like she literally tells you that she serves no more use to anyone.#and i wanted to shake her so hard. because it's not about what she can do #she has worth simply because she exists. full stop. she is loved and she is appreciated just for being herself #her worth isn't decided by her power yk??#i hope she can rest and heal and find some good friends - after the way mc and paimon treated her i honestly don't think they should be #or if they are; they'd have to work to earn her trust cuz good LORD. they treated her so weird and so tone deaf!!#i've seen a lot of people complaining about it too so im glad im not alone.#anyway. there is something wrong with me i have cried actual tears over furina please god she needs a hug #and to be told she did a good job and she can rest now and things will get better #4.2 spoilers #genshin impact #furina

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savage-rhi · 2 months

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Magenta 😥

#imposter syndrome is bad today #anyone have tips or words of encouragement?#i got triggered by the scores on the platform #im at a 96 which isn't bad that's actually pretty fucking good #i need to stay above 85% to keep my contract #but i checked to see what areas that dipped and one of them I'm kinda going wtf?#about maintaining boundaries #im really huge on that shit and always let people know if they get uncomfortable with a topic subject or need to change the convo #we absolutely can always do that #so im kinda sitting here going “Okay where can i improve? where is this coming from? were they having a bad day? did i say something off?”#i know too you can't appease everyone and there are some clients that just won't like you for whatever reason and will answer the surveys to #dip your scores cause of resentment #logically i know these are things #im struggling with not having closure cause if i am doing anything wrong i want to correct that and i want to be told what it is #cause i can't change unless im given some direction #my mentor encouraged me to be myself show up authentic and I've been doing that #seeing the dip is making me second guess everything #and i know i shouldn't be upset cause again im at a 96 fucking percent!#but man I'm just kicking my own ass #magenta #magenta is my vent word

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compacflt · 7 months

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question: how do you find your research/sources? yours and dancing disasters' icemav fics are so inside baseball i love it, but how do you go about doing research?

I just read a lot & google stuff I don't know & am curious about. not that hard to start learning. and in terms of reading I've been interested in military history & milfiction my whole life. mostly related to the US army, actually--im extremely new to naval history and naval literature; all of that interest was driven by top gun. I've also been fortunate enough to visit a lot of the places I write about--ive been to Pearl Harbor a couple times & San Diego MANY times, for instance, and I've toured a few aircraft carriers and military bases. I've also finally bitten the bullet and kinda shifted my career path towards aerospace, so I've been learning a lot just by working in the aerospace & defense sector/spending a lot of time with people who do.

that's obviously not to say that I am somehow Educated in all this stuff. im pretty open on this blog about me being young & naive & wrong much of the time about how the real world works. so, you know, a lot of shit I just Make Up according to my preconceived notions of the military & the world.

here is my recommended military/navy reading list, some fiction and some nonfiction.

someone also asked recently if I had read anything good in the last 6 months--yes!! three new additions to my reading list: a) Billy Lynn's Long Halftime Walk by Ben Fountain. So goddamn good. If you have to read only one novel about the Iraq War, make it this one. It's more about America than it is about Iraq. b) Redeployment by Phil Klay. This one is a collection of short stories about Marines in Iraq, written by a USMC vet, talk about inside baseball. Crazy amounts of jargon in here, basically a "to-google" list. won the national book award which idk if it deserved, but it's good. c) No true glory: A Frontline Account of the Battle of Fallujah by Bing West. currently reading this one, really well done so far, talks a lot about how fucked the US strategy was in Iraq with Fallujah serving as a metonymy/case study for the war itself.

again... this is all mostly close-quarters-combat (infantry) literature, I really am not that interested in the navy/Air Force that much outside of top gun lol

though I did recently remember that in early 2022, before I was into top gun, I read "Wingmen" by Ensan Case, which is actually a gay US naval aviator romance set in WWII published in 1979! it's really authentic and kind of sad, obviously, since it was a 1940s navy gay love story published in 1979. I don't actually think Wingmen influenced how I wrote wwgattai or how I think of TG/TGM but I just remembered that I read that book in February 2022 and going "oh my god they were wingmen" so maybe you might find that book interesting.

#dancingdisaster's 'men like us' Directly inspired wwgattai and is the only other icemav/TG fic Ive ever read so I owe them a lottt #that fic opened my third eye as to 'omg what if ice lived' & then 'omg what if maverick died & ice never told him he loved him'#leading to my fics #thanks for the ask! PLEASE read billy Lynns long halftime walk #if for no other reason than its the best book I've read in 2024 and im already 12 books deep into 2024 #its so well written...... should be on the shortlist for the best great American novel......#a scathing indictment of the American christian conservative.... mmm I eat it up good soup #top gun #military history #guys I just found out yesterday that my ex whom I haven't talked to in 2 years has been stalking my twitter &#has seen me gushing about my gay top gun fanfiction #well he shouldn't have stalked my twitter ... genuinely insane behavior this is why I ended things #love men

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viaphni · 5 months

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iiiiiiii love these two so much

theyre a couple of characters from The Shrouded Shards, a professor red parallel and his son

they are precious and their contributions to the plot are great

cannot wait to post more about these two

#the shrouded shards #shards franz #shards otto #them my beloveds #I've been more open about the Shards plot on Discord and the people ive told extensive lore to love it #going to curl up and Sob they Love my little Silly Story #''president of shiloh fanclub'' is somebodys name im Weeping Bawling Wailing #These two are so sweet #Such a good family dynamic #Raaaaaaaaaaagrrhehrrhegegehrgehetgegrgg

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stcries · 9 days

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thinking.jpg ... if i was gonna add another gravity falls muse, i've been told i might be a good wendy, what do we think if i was to try her out?

#・ ˖ ✦ ⋄ . AUTHOR OF THE STARS ❝ ooc. ❞#obvs stan is gonna be the main muse! im not losing the brainrot just yet for him sorry y'all #but i've been told i might be a good wendy and now im THINKING #ITS NOT 100% CONFIRMED IF I WILL WRITE HER BUT #it is a possibility.....#( gravity falls tw! )

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bunnihearted · 3 months

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𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ𐀔

#it hurts but it is natural and im not oversensitive and im allowed to feel this way #the future i had envisioned and hoped for and believed in was just.. suddenly gone and im allowed to mourn the loss #because for an entire year i've been wanting this. and imagining it and thought of ways it could be real #and i didnt base my feelings only on imagination but on his words and him saying that we should figure out whatever was between us #and in the way we talked and what we shared and how he did start treating me as 'his girl'#which i also do not think was irresponsible nor am i upset by that. bc i wasnt 100% present bc of my avpd stuff #but it was so amazing and he was so amazing and i'd been having feelings for him for half a year before and then i only fell more and more #im trying to be as non specific as possible bc like i can only talk abt *me*.. but there were just sm other things and circumstances #so it got less and less intense.. and i wanted to give him space and patience and not push smth on him and be insensitive #then i told him abt being in love w him and wanting to be there for him w his struggles and working it out together #and im embarrassed af but i had honestly thought... that would be met well and with reciprocity...#(i understand that feelings cant be forced & im not upset or feel betrayed i just felt v sad bc i was so sure he would want me to be his gf #but i got neither a clear rejection nor much of what he was thinking abt me and what was between us. mostly just that it wasnt a good timin #so again i wanted to respect that and not keep push it. even if i tried bringing it up sometimes it never got anywhere and it didnt feel #right to just keep and keep on doing it. then there were times when i /felt/ rejection and got more hope based on interactions #truly i've been walking around for a year believing that this was smth that would come true if only we could talk #and i've been waiting and hoping and loving. and i've really been thinking of it as a real future #i even tried telling him a few months ago that if he wants me he can have all of me but he told me to stop so i did #and now i've learned that none of my devotion or hope was returned... i've been in this waiting room all alone all this time #i thought i was patient bc of all the other things but he couldnt give me a chance but he did for someone else and that just hurts #idk it hurts bc this love and connection meant so much to me and i wanted to do anything to make it work #and when u realize all of a sudden that it was only u who felt that and that future u so badly thought would happen isnt real #.... i feel extremely lost and despairing. plus it just is how i feel but i've only been this connected to him #honestly it might sound weird how i can feel this much for someone i've never met irl but he has been my only hope and comfort #for the past years he hs been my only comfort and the only thing making me feel good and ok and hopeful.... so it hurts it hurts it hurts!!

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tanicus-caesareth · 5 months

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guarana drama, damage control

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outlanderalien · 18 days

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Not sure if I'm sabotaging my relationship or not but I feel like I'm in the right ? Perhaps ?

#personal #basically we're long distance but I couldn't see him on a weekend because of unavoidable circumstance #we were going to go to his friends wedding but I couldn't make it.#but hes been sending me photos of my empty seat next to his at the venue #and telling me constantly that I would've loved it #so I took issue with it bc i wasnt enjoying that #and he's gone into panic mode and thinks I'm accusing him of being a 4D chess manipulator #and low-key he kind of is. Unconsciously I think but still manipulative.#he uses the whole 'woe is me' and 'I'm just a terrible useless creature pls pity me' bit way too often.#if we have a slightly uncomfortable conversation he will stop engaging with me and try to distract by telling me he loves me.#like literally 'so what do you think?' ... '[laughs nervously] I love you :'')...' imagine that being the only response he gives for an hour #so I've called him out on his difficulty with sincerity and he's just doubling down on the 'pls pity me' stuff and frankly...#i really don't like it #the wedding thing was kind of nothing but his reaction to it was telling #pulling out the whole 'I am horrified you'd think that' guilt-tripping nonsense #followed immediately by 'you overestimate my intelligence if you think im capable of that :'')' pity party.#just. not promising. not good vibes.#to elaborate on the wedding bit: I made the decision that I couldn't make it bc of a busy work week.#he assured me several times that it was okay if I couldn't make it but he stopped messaging for a day after I told him I couldn't #then sent me a photo of my empty seat with a crying emoji and telling me that he wishes I was there and that i would've really loved it #that's not a message sent with the intent to make me feel good is it?#idk reading this back it sounds like an overreaction from me but with the context of my experience with him this is not an isolated thing #it's kind of perpetually like this. then when called out on it he pulls out the love-bombing but doesn't address the actual issue.#idk. idk.#if anyone wants to engage with this post feel free. Any outsider perspective would be welcome.

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forgotten-daydreamer · 1 month

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vent moment but my health is a bit worse than i let on, which is weird ik since it seems like complain about it all the time here, and apparently i also look sick, because two separate people in their 40s or 50s asked me, 24, if i needed their seat on the bus. kind of them. but humiliating nonetheless.

#medical stuff cw #i sat on the steps instead of taking their seat #vent cw #i have to take five different pills a day excluding birth control which i also take for health reasons but okay #i have to thank italy for its healthcare system because at least i dont have to pay a fuckton for all that stuff. except birthcontrol.#as i may have mentioned they found quite a bit of blood in my piss so im getting tested for ✨️cancer✨️#also because i've been having health issues which might be rated #my blood work is all off but i didnt get tested for tumoral cells specifically because i may have 'just' an autoimmune condition #so im on heavy duty antibiotics too now bc i also developed antibiotic resistance last year. anyway.#i need to take those and then they'll test my peepee again but this time they will also test explicitly for tumoral cells #because something is off and my previous blood work didnt point out what exactly #terrible anemia and other slightly-off numbers that however shouldnt be off considering my lifestyle #i eat almost everything. drink plenty of water. exercise. barely smoke. not even drinking anymore. i'm not too fat nor too skinny.#so. some of the numbers that are off dont really have a reason to be off which is why they are testing my blood and piss for cancer #but like. in 3 weeks because i have to take antibiotics and iron meds (not supplements. meds.) first #so my mind's trying to convince itself that i dont have a tumor. but what if i do? i know i dont. but not knowing makes me go insane #also i have to get tested for heart disease because that motherfucker is not working properly. doesnt pump enough blood to my brain.#i took an ekg and it came back pretty normal except for tachycardia #now i have to go get an holter ekg - but was told to wait until uni starts again bc i need that exam to be done when i have a daily routine #so basically they slap electrodes and shit on me for 24 hrs while i go do my shit around the city and then see how my heart behaved #because i cant stand without struggling to breathe and sometimes it happens when in laying down to.#sometimes i cant fall asleep because i cant breathe #at first the doc thought it might be a reflux issue but not. all good on that front.#so. we'll see. and i mean. i KNOW it's not cancer. like. i'd be dead by now bc i've been having these symptoms for five months #however. i dont know if it's not an autoimmune disease. and if it is? what am i gonna do?

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cloudd-nyne · 5 months

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#having a creative rut feeling #gonna rant #im basically a giant baby and i don't handle angst very well #and i constantly worry that im just. idk mentally weak or a deeply uninteresting person bc of it.#every big fantasy artist i see is usually very into making sad or angsty pieces and like i wish i was like that #like i fall into this mental hole very very often that im just holding myself back with how many subjects i dont write or draw #but also like when i DO write dark subjects it doesn't make me feel any better??#i dont like feeling sad or angry bc once i am its extremely hard to get back out of it.#and thats scary for me.#but also i want to make art that means something instead of my nonestop slew of smut and feelgood content.#i genuinely feel so trapped by my own emotions and its sp frustrating.#i keep getting told how good for you it is to get the negative feelings out but it never helps when i do it #i just feel. worse? i dont feel good.#i kinda wanna delete the one cloud post bc it just doesn't feel good.#ugh #idk i want to have good intelligent things to say and thoughtful art to make #and everything i make feels soft and cheesey and lame.#not that i find those things lame #but just that it feels like im stuck in baby brain.#when i was a teen i would write horror stories!!! i still love horror!!!#but if i make someone suffer in fic now it feels me with this awful awful overwhelming sense of dread and guilt and i end up so upset #im frustrated at me bc this is such a fucking weird sensitivity to have. im tried of telling myself its okay #bc i WANT to feel mentally free enough to create shit that isnt just uwu soft.#i don't think im making sense but like.#you know #I've literally been bullied out of fandom spaces for only making soft content #multiple times.#so idk maybe this is a learned sense of shame #but i feel like a big over sensitive baby and like I'd be able to do so much more if i wasn't #vent ish

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demigod-of-the-agni · 9 months

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Art vs Artist 2023!! 💥 I didn't expect the year to be so colourful... but there is a Severe lack of purples. Anyway, it was a literal struggle trying not to add Pavitr art because he keeps infiltrating every month T-T

Happy to say I'm proud of the art evolution! Thank you Spider-Verse for pushing me outside the box and really embracing the fun and whimsical style of Mumbattan. Who knew mimicking old timey comics would be so much fun?

high quality versions of the above images under the cut!!