#i've been told im good at it
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i just realized that my aceness is driven by my aroness.
i dont perceive romantic relationships like a lot of allos do. i can perceive close and intimate relationships, i can even perceive lifelong close and intimate relationships. (though like most people, i find it a daunting concept.) but i cant perceive, specifically, exclusive romantic relationships. "till death do us part" is a phrase that does not compute in my brain.
this translates over to sex. if i have a close friend or queerplatonic partner (i don't think im capable of having a true romantic partner) who i'm able to be intimate with, i don't think that intimacy is required. it's nice, but ultimately not needed to fuel the relationship. this is because the relationship isn't romantic in the allonormative sense. a romantic relationship has sex almost as a prerequisite. in an allo society, a romantic relationship and a sexual relationship are one and the same. i've only been in like two romantic relationships and both started entertaining the idea of intimacy right out of the gate.
but because i don't experience romantic relationships, i don't need to really experience sexual relationships. does that make any sense?
#i can see why a lot of allos think aces/aros are childish#it can be very easy to equate not having a normalized urge with not understanding it#but honestly i think i understand allo sexuality more than i do my own sexuality#i grew up with it. watched it on tv. read about it in books. was told i'd experience it eventually#i can and have given allos relationship advice that has worked#i've been told im good at it#i just find it interesting that i can understand something so well and not experience it at all#and meanwhile struggle so much with understanding myself#musings#asexual#aromantic#ace/aro
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do you consider your self made?
#my art#self portrait of sorts#been musing a lot on disability recently and how being relatively freshly unable to do Most Things has changed my perspective on things#for a long time growing up i was fixated on the idea of being An Impact On The World yknow? mainly the next Big Writer#(and that it would be sooo impressive that everyone would make my books bestsellers when i was only 12 because it was That Good)#and i mean. obviously that didnt work out as originally planned because i was 12 and learning. but I've felt a lot like#I've kind of built my sense of self on those big achievements. even if they were only big to me. and a lot of them#are now out of reach or very difficult to reach. and it's been a lot to. recontextualize#to take what ive been told my whole life and ignore it in favor of just being being enough.#things will happen as they happen. i havent earned anything by suffering but it hasnt ended the world either#im here doing what i Can do for as long as I'm able to do it. and thats all i need to be for now#just making sure that i Do do the things i can do rather than assume i can do them later#anyways. love you#cw:#top nudity#artistic nudity#the dreaded ambiguously presenting nipple#if you put any pro weight loss eating disorder shit on here ill kill you btw#my body is sexy because im in it and im still alive. not because its struggling to stay that way#lindwormposting
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thesis updates: sent the draft to my advisor -> she said it was "incoherent" and that she was "shocked" at my work and instead of telling me anything in detail as to what's wrong directs me to the writing center then proceeds to cc my committee members saying that she's at a loss with what to do with me -> was confused because... did i send her the wrong draft?? it seemed pretty solid to me?? like i was genuinely proud of it??? -> next day she sends me another email saying that actually my draft isn't bad at all and it just needs some reworking ???????
#you know what the problem is.#she's been telling me to write my thesis like a research article so i've been copying how it is in the articles she sends me#and so im like. clearly this isn't working if she's upset by this and didn't expect this. go rooting around my uni's websites to see#what the hell im doing wrong bc i must be doing something wrong but i dont know and my advisor wont TELL me what's wrong with the format#no examples of theses on the theses/dissertations page of my uni. knew that already but checked again#no examples of theses on the theses page of my program. knew that but double checked.#ended up rooting around for an HOUR and then stumbled upon a bunch of theses from my program#that is [1] not linked ANYWHERE on my program page or on the thesis page. [2] literally by good luck that i stumbled upon this cause it has#a bunch of MA theses from the past 20 years on here#read like 20 of them. realize that there's a specific format that my advisor just NEVER TOLD ME????? TO WRITE IN??#realize that i just kinda need to restructure my work a bit but it's actually not as bad as i expected#also. during my 'fake' defense last semester she was pissed at me about my charts but...everyone is using the format of charts i did ??????#oh. that's another thing. my advisor said that i 'defended' to the program coordinator even though i didn't actually defend anything and#she just told me flat out it was a no go so. lol.#anyways. it's. 4 am and im working on this stupid thing. im SO over it.#guys. im starting to fear im not the problem but my advisor is LMAO
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#sorry no 'other' option#these are the core shows i've posted about on this blog and im curious what other people think#personally i'm going doafp#because i think the other two shows ended at a good spot#andi mack felt like it was only meant to share a chapter in andi's life and i believe it told that chapter successfully#everything wrapped up nicely and (although i would have loved to see it) a fourth season wasn't necessary imo#jatp ended with some cliffhangers but if you remove some of the more obvious ones (caleb possessing nick in the last minute??)#then i think the show could have been a near perfect single season series#but doafp. sigh#well. you know#doafp#diary of a future president#andi mack#jatp#julie and the phantoms
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Stickmintober 2024: Day 6
Underrated BG Character / Crossover
Roland Canterbury and Royal Guard No.1 (King's Quest) talk captain business!
#- I've been told my favorite characters just tend to be guys with good fashion sense and fancy mustaches#- for some reason#- im slowly figuring out how to make my pieces take less time! ^^ and im less burnt out because of it :D!#thsc#kings quest#digital art#character design#fanart#stickmintober2024#stickmintober#thsc roland canterbury#royal guard no1 kq
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HELLO i'm alive, I just barely survived 9 days in Girona doing costumes for Assumpta's short film reels.....and immediately after we came back I had to do some frantic sewing in time for the week of events planned for the Dos de Mayo. I met up with some new friends I had met at the Museo de Traje two weeks or so earlier, and my Spanish has improved SO MUCH during my time here. I am so happy and having SO much fun. I based this spencer off of one Assumpta wears in Rossini, Rossini!, and had two days to make it. I did my hair how Teresa's looks in a snood in Company, but made a madroñera instead- it's a little lower class than Teresa would've worn, I think, but it was appropriate. (I want to make all of the costumes Assumpta wears in her films and make a pre-war Teresa wardrobe, though I'll be remaking this red spencer!) Over the course of the week we walked through many parks, got to see the changing of the guard, we went to many palaces, and I got to participate in the Dos de Mayo parade and battle, which was insanely cool, and where the first two photos are taken! I also got to go to a wonderful ball and danced with all my friends, which I'll post photos of soon. Now that the events are over, I'm rereading Sharpe's Command bc I have my review in my drafts and want to revisit it.
#;ooc#;kiran goes to spain#(i had quite the crush on fernando who is in the bicorn hat)#(but he is gay LMFAOOOOOOOO just my goddamn luck)#(but he's a really amazing friend and my spanish has improved SO MUCH talking to him bc he doesnt speak any english)#(and he's patient and kind and very helpful and i've learned a lot)#(and a lot of my new friends have told me that A: my pronunciation is actually really good#(and B: that when I do speak I speak it like i've been speaking for years which is a HUGE shock to me and i am so so pleased)#(im going to be really sad when i go back home and loose this ability bc i have no one to practice it with)#(BUT i have so many photos and so much fun!!!!!!)
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Finally got enough energy to talk about Furina's SQ and while I loved her and the troupe, MC and Paimon were .... Not Great. I talked about this with friends but in Paimon's case especially, the way they interact with Furina feels like people who just don't understand trauma and depression and then engage with someone suffering from both in all the wrong ways.
Talking about how much of a downgrade her house is from the opera house, making fun of how she can't cook, pushing her to act when she's set a very clear boundary and then guilt tripping her after she's stuck to her guns, shaming her for not being able to fight well (Paimon literally talks about how second hand embarrassment is overwhelming and I'm just like ?????), telling her she's "not acting like herself" when she attempts to open up and be vulnerable....it's just really rough. That and the MC asking "is something wrong" when Furina gets sad over Poission ..like bro people died and she couldn't save them and she's tearing herself apart over it. Those people are never coming back and you know it and you have the gall to ask her is something wrong??? Of COURSE there is!!
It just feels especially odd because we literally get to see all of Furina's suffering and Paimon in particular is. SO mean? Like she was more understanding with Wanderer and Ei and THEY'VE tried to kill us multiple times!! I don't get it, and honestly I'm very proud of Furina for refusing to waver. Let her rest!! She's tired and depressed and she needs time to heal; and honestly fuck Paimon for trying to make her feel bad. Furina's worked harder than she EVER will.
#as someone with depression and who's highly sensitive this story quest hurt a LOT because ive also encountered people who don't understand.#i've been told i need to get over my anxiety. i've been asked what am i so tired from since i just lay in bed.#so furina's character and how she was treated hit very very hard for me. she's isolating herself and not coping well but she is TRYING.#she's trying so hard and she equates her worth to her role. like she literally tells you that she serves no more use to anyone.#and i wanted to shake her so hard. because it's not about what she can do#she has worth simply because she exists. full stop. she is loved and she is appreciated just for being herself#her worth isn't decided by her power yk??#i hope she can rest and heal and find some good friends - after the way mc and paimon treated her i honestly don't think they should be#or if they are; they'd have to work to earn her trust cuz good LORD. they treated her so weird and so tone deaf!!#i've seen a lot of people complaining about it too so im glad im not alone.#anyway. there is something wrong with me i have cried actual tears over furina please god she needs a hug#and to be told she did a good job and she can rest now and things will get better#4.2 spoilers#genshin impact#furina
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Magenta 😥
#imposter syndrome is bad today#anyone have tips or words of encouragement?#i got triggered by the scores on the platform#im at a 96 which isn't bad that's actually pretty fucking good#i need to stay above 85% to keep my contract#but i checked to see what areas that dipped and one of them I'm kinda going wtf?#about maintaining boundaries#im really huge on that shit and always let people know if they get uncomfortable with a topic subject or need to change the convo#we absolutely can always do that#so im kinda sitting here going “Okay where can i improve? where is this coming from? were they having a bad day? did i say something off?”#i know too you can't appease everyone and there are some clients that just won't like you for whatever reason and will answer the surveys to#dip your scores cause of resentment#logically i know these are things#im struggling with not having closure cause if i am doing anything wrong i want to correct that and i want to be told what it is#cause i can't change unless im given some direction#my mentor encouraged me to be myself show up authentic and I've been doing that#seeing the dip is making me second guess everything#and i know i shouldn't be upset cause again im at a 96 fucking percent!#but man I'm just kicking my own ass#magenta#magenta is my vent word
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I might lack the motivation to see it through, but I really like your dazatsu works, so I was wondering how you motivate yourself to create fanfiction? How do you get into the headspace of the characters?
Motivation is a fickle mistress, it's hard to say what EXACTLY motivates me. I guess the best answer is 'I write the fanfic I wish there was'. The true 'write what you want to read', I am usually really motivated to write something I wish to read so badly - a hole in the market, or a certain concept I wish I could do my way that would cater to all the things I like.
Since I also primarily write shipping fanfics, engaging with canon/fanart/other fanfics on the pair also motivates me greatly. Reminds me of why I like the characters and want to write about them in the first place
I quite like getting into the headspace of the characters, at least those I like a lot, haha. For me, it's always the question of "would this character to this?" - when I think of them doing or saying something, I think back on what I know of the character, if there were similar situations to this one in the canon and try to think what would be the most logical thing for that character to do. Like puzzle pieces - canon gives you puzzle pieces, and you can either arrange them how you want, or see what new pieces can fit to existing ones.
I think just good thing to keep in mind when you writing a character do something is the question of 'why are they doing this'. The why's come from their personality, their past or the circumstances of the story (the events or even the rules of the world)
Also, something that motivates me and I'm very lucky to have - good community! Comments are a wonderful motivation. And the power of friends?? Absolutely amazing. Half my motivation to finish things is solely to talk to my writing friends about it 😂
I'm happy you like my works, thank you so much!
#v rambles#dazatsu#when it comes to dazatsu in particular getting into the characters is easy because i find them relatable lol#well. specific parts of them. maybe thats why i might stir into those parts a bit too much#like atsushi's politeness and self loathing#and dazai's 'joking to hide true feelings and stir conversation away' and 'logic above feelings'#shout out to chuuya. i love writing chuuya because we kind of speak in a similar way#it will sound wild but every time i write chuuya i fear to write him speaking too much like underfell sans#the vent diagram of me chuuya and underfell sans has 'the way they speak' in the middle and i do not know how to elaborate further#also color red. thats also in the middle of that.#cough. back to writing advice.#since all desktop ghosts ive programmed are in-character I had to go deep into character and I've been told im pretty good at that#i have fun deconstructing the reasons behind their actions#it can be super hard but. fun!
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question: how do you find your research/sources? yours and dancing disasters' icemav fics are so inside baseball i love it, but how do you go about doing research?
I just read a lot & google stuff I don't know & am curious about. not that hard to start learning. and in terms of reading I've been interested in military history & milfiction my whole life. mostly related to the US army, actually--im extremely new to naval history and naval literature; all of that interest was driven by top gun. I've also been fortunate enough to visit a lot of the places I write about--ive been to Pearl Harbor a couple times & San Diego MANY times, for instance, and I've toured a few aircraft carriers and military bases. I've also finally bitten the bullet and kinda shifted my career path towards aerospace, so I've been learning a lot just by working in the aerospace & defense sector/spending a lot of time with people who do.
that's obviously not to say that I am somehow Educated in all this stuff. im pretty open on this blog about me being young & naive & wrong much of the time about how the real world works. so, you know, a lot of shit I just Make Up according to my preconceived notions of the military & the world.
here is my recommended military/navy reading list, some fiction and some nonfiction.
someone also asked recently if I had read anything good in the last 6 months--yes!! three new additions to my reading list: a) Billy Lynn's Long Halftime Walk by Ben Fountain. So goddamn good. If you have to read only one novel about the Iraq War, make it this one. It's more about America than it is about Iraq. b) Redeployment by Phil Klay. This one is a collection of short stories about Marines in Iraq, written by a USMC vet, talk about inside baseball. Crazy amounts of jargon in here, basically a "to-google" list. won the national book award which idk if it deserved, but it's good. c) No true glory: A Frontline Account of the Battle of Fallujah by Bing West. currently reading this one, really well done so far, talks a lot about how fucked the US strategy was in Iraq with Fallujah serving as a metonymy/case study for the war itself.
again... this is all mostly close-quarters-combat (infantry) literature, I really am not that interested in the navy/Air Force that much outside of top gun lol
though I did recently remember that in early 2022, before I was into top gun, I read "Wingmen" by Ensan Case, which is actually a gay US naval aviator romance set in WWII published in 1979! it's really authentic and kind of sad, obviously, since it was a 1940s navy gay love story published in 1979. I don't actually think Wingmen influenced how I wrote wwgattai or how I think of TG/TGM but I just remembered that I read that book in February 2022 and going "oh my god they were wingmen" so maybe you might find that book interesting.
#dancingdisaster's 'men like us' Directly inspired wwgattai and is the only other icemav/TG fic Ive ever read so I owe them a lottt#that fic opened my third eye as to 'omg what if ice lived' & then 'omg what if maverick died & ice never told him he loved him'#leading to my fics#thanks for the ask! PLEASE read billy Lynns long halftime walk#if for no other reason than its the best book I've read in 2024 and im already 12 books deep into 2024#its so well written...... should be on the shortlist for the best great American novel......#a scathing indictment of the American christian conservative.... mmm I eat it up good soup#top gun#military history#guys I just found out yesterday that my ex whom I haven't talked to in 2 years has been stalking my twitter &#has seen me gushing about my gay top gun fanfiction#well he shouldn't have stalked my twitter ... genuinely insane behavior this is why I ended things#love men
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iiiiiiii love these two so much
theyre a couple of characters from The Shrouded Shards, a professor red parallel and his son
they are precious and their contributions to the plot are great
cannot wait to post more about these two
#the shrouded shards#shards franz#shards otto#them my beloveds#I've been more open about the Shards plot on Discord and the people ive told extensive lore to love it#going to curl up and Sob they Love my little Silly Story#''president of shiloh fanclub'' is somebodys name im Weeping Bawling Wailing#These two are so sweet#Such a good family dynamic#Raaaaaaaaaaagrrhehrrhegegehrgehetgegrgg
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With Krok now on my mind, it's reminded me of like, the whole deal of him coping with the loss of his squad by believing they'd just become separated? Because that bit is such a fascinating aspect of his character to me.
It's vague in a way that doesn't totally confirm whether he truly 100% deluded himself, or if he just kept telling himself that to try and distract from the truth and memories he didn't want to face.
(Which, for some reason this pisses Misfire off? Which implies something really interesting there about Misfire and his own coping mechanisms and issues that we don't get much of a peer into unfortunately.)
Anyway, I spent way too long thinking about it when I was reading through the comics. And it's like, did studying battles and strategy play a part in this delusion/lie?
Like, you're a being that lives for millions of years, in the middle of a war spanning those millions of years. So, at some point, surely those battles are going to start to blur together. So you've got that, and then you go and face a frankly horrifically traumatic fight that quite literally rips the people you cared about most, and felt responsible for, apart.
Presumably, Decepticons aren't the greatest at handling shell shock and other such side effects of war. So they just take this freshly traumatized mess of a dude, take him off the front lines and plant him on a warworld to aid the fight from a more comfortable distance.
With all this, the mind is bound to be fickle when faced with such sudden loss and change. But Krok obviously did his job there, or at least he was very knowledgeable on history and tactics beforehand.
Either way, he studied battle after battle, went through records of fight after fight, planned for what's next and reconsidered what had already happened. Hundreds of wins and losses.
So did it get jumbled there? In having a head full of battles, did some of them blur and mix with the one that took everything away from him? In trying to solve the failures of past battles, did he try and find where a victory could've been had against the wreckers that day? Did he find a solution that would've had his squad still whole and alive?
From there, did it slip into delusion, or a desperate lie to keep himself going?
I feel like his "mental health matters" moment was an interesting insight into it and possibly the average soldier's rough outlook on trauma. But it was still very surface level I think, but I guess going too deep into the why's and how's wouldn't have been important until maybe the Scavenger centric comics that uh, never happened :/
#i'm probably reading too much into it. but im a sucker for war stories and such in fiction. esp sci fi.#i grew up military. so its like. i need to know the details within the media im reading. or else it feels poorly done or handled#and tf is frequently at its core a story of war. even in g1 it covered that fact. loss and coping and stuff#and idw1 is best in the post-war era. but it only sometimes dips into the real nitty gritty of what that all entails for ex-soldiers#the scavs are particularly interesting in that sense. since none of them were ''important''. they were tragically deemed disposable#and like. the bit where krok is explaining what happened during the war was just so good. just the disillusion and betrayal and hurt-#-towards megatron and the high command. like. argh. it was just *chefs kiss* when it comes to writing an interesting ex-soldier#fulcrums line about the war being over being comparable to the sky no longer being blue is also just. ough. esp since he wasn't a soldier#it just shows how ingrained the war was in every bot and cons life. and its so tragic and fascinating and augh#and like. the cons are awful. yeah. but they're also just an army chock full of random people with their own unique views and opinions#and the scavs are great vessels for telling that angle. that perspective. of just being someone swept up in it all#they're great comedy relief and all too. but theres so much fascinating story potential there too of hardships and disillusion#i mean. the whole deal with the djd?? the comparisons?? the hypocrisy bcs they're all bad people but for different reasons???#i could go on for hours about it. and i actually have and it's never coherent. but its like my fav thing about cons#which is probably a bit weird. i've been told having an interest in fictional wars and its effects is weird. but idk#its personal for me. you grow up hearing shit from vets and what they've been through. their own disillusions and it sticks with you#i'm gonna stop before i start to vent lol. but yeah. just krok and his ptsd and the greater untouched trauma within post-war cons
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thinking.jpg ... if i was gonna add another gravity falls muse, i've been told i might be a good wendy, what do we think if i was to try her out?
#・ ˖ ✦ ⋄ . AUTHOR OF THE STARS ❝ ooc. ❞#obvs stan is gonna be the main muse! im not losing the brainrot just yet for him sorry y'all#but i've been told i might be a good wendy and now im THINKING#ITS NOT 100% CONFIRMED IF I WILL WRITE HER BUT#it is a possibility.....#( gravity falls tw! )
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Writing a character who's assisted multiple suicides because he's such a people-pleaser has me confused as to whether he thought they would like him more afterward or...
It's not people-pleasing so much as impulsively and uncontrollably transforming into what the other person wants him to be, but you know.
Also, suffering disturbs him immensely, which is good under normal conditions, but he does those drastic things when disturbed. Another of my favorite examples: causing the person who's suffering to suffer more in the hopes they'll just dissociate and "be ok" ❤️, so his heart is in... some sort of place. Not the wrong place, necessarily. Closer to the right place than SOME of the people I know (thinking of no one in particular here) (but now Mosley and Lena do come to mind).
#i've been mentally asking those characters for advice lately#ok well i ask 3 of them then mosley chimes in with some bitchy fucking advice#this is either a good strategy for navigating current life stress or a very troubling sign#lena has told me to cut everyone off#tommy just stares and looks sad#zurich has told me im bad with maps but he doesnt even know how to breathe normally so#and mosley judges what i eat for dinner
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Not sure if I'm sabotaging my relationship or not but I feel like I'm in the right ? Perhaps ?
#personal#basically we're long distance but I couldn't see him on a weekend because of unavoidable circumstance#we were going to go to his friends wedding but I couldn't make it.#but hes been sending me photos of my empty seat next to his at the venue#and telling me constantly that I would've loved it#so I took issue with it bc i wasnt enjoying that#and he's gone into panic mode and thinks I'm accusing him of being a 4D chess manipulator#and low-key he kind of is. Unconsciously I think but still manipulative.#he uses the whole 'woe is me' and 'I'm just a terrible useless creature pls pity me' bit way too often.#if we have a slightly uncomfortable conversation he will stop engaging with me and try to distract by telling me he loves me.#like literally 'so what do you think?' ... '[laughs nervously] I love you :'')...' imagine that being the only response he gives for an hour#so I've called him out on his difficulty with sincerity and he's just doubling down on the 'pls pity me' stuff and frankly...#i really don't like it#the wedding thing was kind of nothing but his reaction to it was telling#pulling out the whole 'I am horrified you'd think that' guilt-tripping nonsense#followed immediately by 'you overestimate my intelligence if you think im capable of that :'')' pity party.#just. not promising. not good vibes.#to elaborate on the wedding bit: I made the decision that I couldn't make it bc of a busy work week.#he assured me several times that it was okay if I couldn't make it but he stopped messaging for a day after I told him I couldn't#then sent me a photo of my empty seat with a crying emoji and telling me that he wishes I was there and that i would've really loved it#that's not a message sent with the intent to make me feel good is it?#idk reading this back it sounds like an overreaction from me but with the context of my experience with him this is not an isolated thing#it's kind of perpetually like this. then when called out on it he pulls out the love-bombing but doesn't address the actual issue.#idk. idk.#if anyone wants to engage with this post feel free. Any outsider perspective would be welcome.
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