#i've been on dates in real life
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How do you build new plans for your life without giving up on the old dreams?
#i've never been on a date and i'm closing in on 30 and i still haven't figured out how to be okay with that#so many things about my life don't feel real like i'm just existing and i want to really enjoy life#but all i feel is lonely so much of the time and so i take refuge in stories and books and movies and other worlds#and all this just tells me i'm still such a child i still haven't grown up and that makes me really ashamed of myself#sucking it up and going out to weed the garden for the length of one soundtrack#but i'm not allowed to watch a movie until i mow the lawn#(see?! that's such a silly way to get meyself to do things!)#sigh#raindrops
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well.
I'm 30.
#one minute ago#damn I really REALLY thought I'd have my life more together#I mean to be real I 10000% did not expect to live until 30 good grief#but in my day dreams of 'what I might have been like if I lived to be an adult' this was not it#not still living like an emancipated minor in a 1 1/2 that's not even official it's more of a charity by the people who own the garage#that it's built in#not remembering to eat every day and eating the same 'gotta eat something' random assortment of whatever is in the cabinets#that I've been eating since I was 4#still working 4 jobs and not having my phd yet#literally never gone on one date and still feel too young for a relationship because I don't ever EVER want to be that guy#who doesn't know how to do anything and expects their partner to take care of them#I can barely do laundry and I straight up refuse to do dishes#I buy paper plates and cups#I'm not going to impose that on anyone#I keep thinking when I grow up I can have a relationship but I'm not old enough yet#but buddy I'm a freaking grown up now#30 is no joke#it's official#I just suck.#it's not about age its about being a garbage person#like i would never ever EXPECT my partner to take care of me but in practical terms I would fail at keeping the house clean#and they would pick up the slack becuase they don't want to live in a trash hole and would get mad and/or bitter with me for making them#living alone my bad choices only effect me#when i've lived with roommates in the past this has always been a key point of breakdown#even when I've tried to be extra dilligent I would forget a glass somewhere becuase I planned to reuse it and my roomate would wash it#and be mad that I felt entitled and expected them to clean up after me when I absolutly did NOT in fact I was horrified#that they needed to clean something up after me- I just simply lost track of it. and that was 10000% unfun for everyone involved#I was ashamed 100% of the time and they felt used 100% of the time and no one had a good time
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nobody's ever had a crush on you? serious? no way
way. i like to think it's because the aromanticism wicks off me like bad cgi, slapping potential suitors in the face with an indescribable sense that if they tell me they like me, it will end in disaster. but i'm afraid the real reason might just be that i'm unlikable
#in a romantic sense that is#i'm not very social. i plan on changing that soon though#not cawtulk#i've been called emotionally repressed and detached. i've been described as having a thousand yard dead-looking stare.#multiple people have told me that if my hypothetical spouse died before me i wouldn't cry at their funeral. and so on#i am an aromantic stereotype it's a bit sad honestly#i'm just not the sort of person people would want to date i think. and i'm okay with that#asks#anon#aro#aromantic#should i tag this like#real life stria lore#or something
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Thinking about finally throwing all my FF7 meta analysis and lore deep dive stuff onto a sideblog. It'd be reblogged from here, but I'd be able to organize it a little better, have a directory so people could find things more easily, and maybe it'd stop people from regurgitating things I say word-for-word for brownie points when they can just find and reblog the fucking original post(s).
#fandom vent#this happens WAY more often than I talk about#like constantly#not daily#but if I put up a ramble#there will always be 2-3 people on the twits or here#who immediately start saying the same thing#in the same words#acting like they're the ones that did the analysis#and it's really frustrating#y'all know I actually do research on this shit?#I check my sources#I review the source material#I get alternate translations to be sure#I read real-life research journals for scientific stuff#I research dates and real-world events and natural phenomena and religious history etc etc etc#it's not just 'nashi writes 2k words of bullshit and hits POST'#I do actual research for my analyses and my deep dives#I cite my sources whenever possible#I don't LINK all the time because that can kick a post from the tags#but I don't just make shit up#so people grabbing it and running with it as if they were the ones that did the work to figure it out#is super disheartening#my current big research project is figuring out if Reeve's surname#is actually rooted in Gaelic#because it's such a weird name#and it's possible that it's not spelled right#because it may be Gaelic#this is a theory that has not panned out yet#but I've been researching it on and off for weeks
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pls i just wanna be picked up and twirled while wearing a long skirt like how they do it in romance otome isekai manhwa qwq
#deembles#would be nice to also have some romance#too bad i haven't been into real life people for a while#i can appreciate them aesthetically but i cannot imagine having sex or even dating them#i'm not ace though (i think?)#i've dated before and it was nice#but for the past few years irl people just don't do it for me anymore#maybe i just need to find “the right person”?#idk#like i'm open for it but i also don't feel the need for searching for it#is that bad?#i obviously wanna be there for a potential partner but i'd rather just wake up in the future one day and have an estabilished relationship#minors dni#minors do not interact#mdni#ageless blogs dni#ageless dni#ageless blogs do not interact#ageless do not interact
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youtube
Beasties of Greenhollow soundtrack! Some tracks on this are from older projects like elphame but all of them have been reworked in some way. Most of them are entirely new. Enjoy!
#soundtrack#music#indiegamedev#Youtube#beasties of greenhollow#indiegame#chiptune#elphame#hey again gang. Another scream into the void#Things have been getting more interesting tbh#I'm starting therapy again. I have learned from this that my anxiety is in the very very high end.#And I guess the only thing that surprises me about that is that it's an abnormally high amount vs the average.#I've had more intrusive thoughts this week than in a long time. (I almost said ever but that was 2021 where they woke me up...)#It's mostly about my mistakes and ppl I've scared out of being in my life because of the actions based on my anxieties.#Like “if i could go back in time I could fix it”... girl you'd be going back in time like 100 times. At that point it's not fair lmao#I think I shouldn't talk about who I'm dating here anymore. Friends told me to stop seeing so many new people and I took that advice.#I'm exercising incredibly frequently; obsessively so. It really doesn't change much in my anxiety. I walk for like 3 hours a day.#My friend group is... difficult. One of us had a falling out with another and the dynamic is just so awkward for me now.#it just seems like everyone else has moved past it though but I still miss him. I don't think this can be reversed#we used to talk on my stream and play digimon cards n jackbox and d&d... But now they're only interested in d&d which I don't love#For god's sake I've published a game and moved to a nice new place. why aren't I happy hahahaha#work is no longer enjoyable since BoG was publised. our new project is in an iffy category but it's not my place to argue#I want to write music and animate but I have to do my hours for this new project before I can do anything like that...#I ended up siding with my current boss in that ethical dilemma I posted about and rn idk if that was the right decision.#Okay what can i talk about that's good? We moved to a nice place. I'm celebrating BoG's release with family tomorrow.#Graeme's playing Iconoclasts- one of my favourite games! He's also returning to work soon so it'll be less awkward to have a lady over#Thinking about good stuff going on just draws the mind to holidays I've had before. I treasure my memories!#Okay so I've complained for a long long time bc life doesn't feel great rn. But rest assured I already know this is 90% my fault hahaha#Oh another good thing that happened!!! My elestrals card was printed and ppl are really happy with it. I have a card in a real card game!!!#don't tell anyone but there's another one on the way. Anyway that will do for now. I'm sorry about my... self.
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was thinking about somethin somethin nicky "breaking up" with iris while slow dancing with her
#extra salt in the wound if it's the night ellie and trav surprise them with a makeshift date night#breaking up in quotations bc at this point they wouldn't really be established but It Would Be Obvious ya'know#idk I've been messing around with parts of iris's story again for funsies and wanted some change of scenery#so playing around with ideas#such as nick even if he does have real feelings for her beyond not necessarily wanting their partnership to end#he's incredibly aware he is never capable of being the partner she needs in the ways she'd really want#he doesn't doubt how much she loves him. he knows she does#he also knows how quickly and easily she would sacrifice herself desperately hoping that love would last#and he doesn't want to see her unhappy clinging to something. to him. when she deserves more. someone who can give her the life she wants#thinking about him. her in his arms. the shotgun blast to the heart. saying the first I love you while pushing her away at the same time#also really really really have been thinking up the chain of events that would lead up to her dropping everything and going back on the road#alone again for the first time in a long while#needed a catalyst for her just kinda ✨disappearing✨ for a long while and no one not even deeks can find her#travis trying desperately to contact her at her home base. but she's not there to answer the radio#and he starts trying to talk to her through dcr because he knows she's listening#his lil stumbly voice telling her how sorry he is for what happened. that he wants her to come home. that he's worried. that he misses her#rambling#miss ma'am iris is that you
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Kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me
#I am so fucking tired of my parents#if I don't find a full time job soon (which i haven't been able to find for the past six months)#it's possible that my dad will be given the opportunity to live in our house by the state#apparently it can be done in around ten days once it's decided#can i trust my mother with these kinds of informations? absolutely not. but there is a 50/50 chances that it's true#i have saved as much as i could all my life in preparation of this moment and i do have enough money to move but it takes time#every other week my mother comes home with similar kinds of insane informations for me to process#one week she reassures me everything is fine and i have like a couple of years before leaving this house#the week after. this.#i have no idea of what's real or not#i am so stressed that last week i lost the ability to finction for three days straight#i am going insane#and i am in no condition to find jobs i've applied to very little positions in this timeframe also because of this stress that paralyzes me#i am not depressed but god i am indeed exausted#i also have surgery planned (do not know the date yet it's not a difficult one but i never had one and i am scared shitless)#and technically i am in a promising job selection but it's a public one so no one tells you nothing and it can take up to six months before#someone calls you back#so i am inside a limbo on every aspect of my life and it's unreal#i can't even see my psychologist because she's getting surgery next week so i'll see her the week after#i don't have the streight to write this new developement to friends#i think i'll just deadscroll for a while and then go to bed#i don't know. i'm so tired and at the same time not at all tired#i'm doing nothing with my days but i still need everything to stop#i don't know#stuff
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I don't talk about this stuff on here pretty much at all, but a past relationship really broke a ton of bits and pieces of my brain and heart in weird ways (I'm finally thinking about him almost never but the shit he pulled was abusive as hell and still affects me sometimes). Being in love with my current girlfriends for a while felt almost. Painful? Almost like I should be ashamed I can fall so deeply in love with people, and especially how quickly that can happen sometimes too. Thats how it kind of felt. I tend to get overwhelmed with emotions if I'm feeling them very strongly, and that has been extremely embarrassing and also felt almost like I was being a burden to those I love (which love is the main emotion that can 'get dialed up to 11' for me). It IS debilitating in some ways!!! It hasn't gotten bad enough I've been nonverbal in a really really long time but that happened this past week and it was wild to me.
Things are getting better now though! Therapy in the past has helped, and honestly having such patient and understanding partners has made a world of difference ;w;. my wife is someone who was one of my best friends and I had a huge crush on and now I can ask for cuddles and we can nap together and I've fallen so much in love. Her and her presence are literally heaven for me, I don't know if anything has ever made me happier than just laying next to her and feeling her warmth.
Worries of course flare up and I feel like I need to lean on her a lot during those moments, but I don't feel like too much of a burden to her. I love seeing the posts that say stuff like 'Its okay to be a burden' or 'its okay to be annoying' because really truly I think I need to be those things to survive sometimes. I can be 'a lot' and I can be a little bit obsessive and those things aren't inherently bad or evil of me. I just make sure I'm feeling okay during and after and make sure I'm checking in on myself often. I'm a bit of a broken girl, but that doesn't mean I'm not extremely happy and living a life I love. I've written poems and everything about how it feels like it must hurt to love me and my broken jagged edges, but hey, even if it does a little bit, it doesn't mean someone like my girlfriend/wife won't go through a little bit of burden to love me, and I'm more than happy to return all of this and more for her as well if she's ever in need or feels broken ;^;
#Not to be too gay but I wanna build my life with my princess more and more#She's. So good to me and she's so pretty and she's so beautiful and attentive and she listens to me in ways I feel no one else has#She understands me so well!! And I hopefully make her feel the same#But yeah I've been a burden a lot to people due to autism (which I didn't know I had for fucking ages) adhd and physical disabilites#And she feels like she isn't taking care of me which is good because I'd honestly hate that#But she understands me and makes me a better person and that's exactly what I've wanted for forever.#And being demi/aspec is awesome with her since she's aspec too and there's no pressure for sex or sexy times but if we both want it#It can still be super fun!! We gotta figure more of that stuff out if we want but knowing each others kinks (and sharing a good bit) rocks#Idk its so so so so easy to love my wife Maxie#She's so dear to me and we've only been dating for 4 months but they've been 4 months I've felt the most alive and seen#Its so easy to be cringe but free with her too idk#She makes me better and I hope I do the same for her. I don't want either of us to stagnate yknow?#But anyways yeah this is just a big journal entry of some kind I might do these every once and a while#Not to like. Brag??? I guess. Or show my mental illness so much. Its just kind of nice if friends know where I'm at in my life I guess#And idk having outside input on thoughts can be good. If any friends see this and go 'Hey Runa this is real weird maybe tone it down'#I can look at that stuff a bit more#Gonna tag this in a way I can find it and others in the future too#Runa diary logs#But yeah you're not hearing this from me but I wanna be with Maxine for the foreseeable future more than anything.#Gotta get my degree and a good job too and she's ofc not the only person in my life (I have Sara who is so very dear to me too ;w;)#Nor is she the only 'goal' I have either. I wanna make games I wanna make art. I wanna make something that other trans people#And queer people and just minorities in general can look at or play or experience and just go. Life is worth living#I love my life right now and I'm so glad I've made it to my late 20's.#Its only uphill from here :3#Wanna add on when I say she's not the only person in my life I mean that I have so many friends and people I love who love me too :3#♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
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my eyes have been opened to the possibility of rory x paris oh my GOD
#listen i always knew it was a ship#but now that im a Lesbian For Real i've been actually noticing and considering the wlw ships in media that i like#and oh my god the possibilities with this one!!#paris pining is all i need in my life#im obsessed#i just watched the episode where paris spreads it around school that mr medina is dating lorelai#and she comes clean to rory later that she only did it to get everyone to stop talking about her parents divorce#and rory says that if she ever wants to talk shes there#and then they have a cute little thing where paris keeps insisting that she wont want to talk and then making sure that its still an option#thats so !!!!!!#oh also i hate max medina with a passion#i didnt think he was so bad in my first five times watching the show i guess because the bar is so low for lorelai's boyfriends#but hes gross and manipulative and i hate him#thats my two cents#gilmore girls#cloudy rambles#cloudy rewatches gilmore girls
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ahahahahaha
#i'm here to be OBNOXIOUS in the tags like its 2015 because at present i have no therapist and i've been holding in a lot of thoughts#so right off the bat i'm 25 years old and aside from 1 month when i was 17 years old no one has ever called me their girlfriend#and sometimes that lil nugget of knowledge is bearable but tied to that is the correlated fact that i have never received romantic love#which... wooooo! thats a real fucking bummer#and since moving out age 23 like i've been trying to meet people! put myself out there and go out on dates!#but i've gone on dates with nearly 50 men in less than 2 years and not a single one has worked out for longer than... 3mo?#i lost 60 pounds to try to be more conventionally attractive#and still absolutely no one finds me worthy of their love#and my dating app match numbers are dwindling and i'm beginning to fear that i've truly run out of options in my area#and so now what?#i just die alone?#thats what it feels like very genuinely like it feels like i put up the good fight but unfortunately i was always doomed to lose#i should just accept my fate as a lonely loveless scorned woman who cries at the faintest hint of compassion for her#nothing in my life has turned out the way i wanted other than having a dog#i was supposed to be married to the love of my life with a higher education degree and a small starter house for the family i'd have#i'm a degree-less single woman living in a 1br condo with an evil russian old lady neighbor and an income that barely supports my dog#look at me go
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🌺? (Also, your tags with each answer are absolutely delightful)
🌺- Do they have any love interest(s)?
Nope! That is not something I have any interest or experience in, and I have even less interest in roleplaying it out as a fictional character who might be an even worse disaster than I am /j /lh
#I'm glad you're enjoying the tags!#I'm having a lot of fun rambling to you :)#But seriously I would fail so hard at having a pretend romantic relationship#I've had instances of a DM trying to shove a love interest at my character before#And my panicked response has always been something like#'Well I sure hope you have a good day buddy! It's nice to have friends around here :D'#While frantically trying to come up with a reason why I can leave#I'm really glad no one's asked me on a date in real life because I'd probably handle it even worse than that ajdjfjdjdh#Right#So no. Lyn does not have a romantic interest.#And if any of the other players suggest it I'm making them drink one of my random magic Artificer potions#lyn fanuidhol
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i'm not a person i'm just wearing skin fabric i've pulled over my skeleton
#vent art#vent#sketches#i wander mindlessly for days and nights. until i stumble across a lone house in the middle of nowhere.#the roof caved in long ago but someone's hung up a thick tarp in its place.#the walls are crumbling and the banisters that once held up the porch are rotted.#but somebody sits there in the shade. and it turns out he's been sitting there watching you for quite a while.#and i walk closer and closer. the man who lives here is named hamboo. he deems that i'm not a threat when he sees my tattered clothes#which are stained with blood and mud and the sea. he sees that i have died and risen again.#he asks what happened. i tell him i got my heart broken and murdered in one fell swoop#he looks at me with pity in his eyes and asks if i'd like his assistance#and for once i did not find myself hesitant in accepting the help that i so desperately needed.#he leads me down to a nearby pond and helps me wash away all the blood and brushes my tangled hair. lends me clothes.#i tell him only what i can remember. that i was asked out on a date and wound up face down in the harbor.#later he stitches my wounds together. i ask him why bother and he says it will help in the long run.#i think he must be lonely to want to care for me#but i don't mind#and when i have dreams. i tell him. i tell him how real they feel and the emotions they invoke and he treats them as significant.#and it feels like i've been believed for the first time in my life.#reggie speaks
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.
#i've been passively suicidal since i was like 8 or 9#and over the years it has obviously come and gone in waves#sometimes more active and sometimes active enough to try (fucked it up though)#but something just feels different about it this time#like the last 1.5 to 2 years or so have just been like. unending nonstop 24/7 urges to follow through#like i'm past my expiration date or something#feels real fuckin surreal and bad and i have no one so uhhh once again i have no reason not to go through with it#i'm just going to be in nonstop unbearable pain for the rest of my life#might as well shorten that a bit and make everyone's lives easier#all i do is fucking ruin everything like the stupid pathetic piece of shit i am
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man being a transmasc teen was awesome. you'd tell a girl she's cute and she'd go Sorry i only like *Men* (and you were out to her). Oh and getting asked Huh should ppl that r into you be into boys or?
#Disclaimer before the terfs find this post: no she didn't have to be into me. I've been rejected 30000 times before and after coming out#The issue is making it clear she would never date me because she's only into *real* men#Oh joy i love how trans kids and adults have to play stacking blocks with our cis peers bc they never thought they'd meet a trans person#Maybe that's just podunk hole town life but I'm scared to come out bc i was treated like this + worse ways by ppl i considered friends lol
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Nothing better than getting an idea that helps you write thousands of words without even realizing. It's never happened to me before this week (at least with fanfic) and I'm having such a great time! I write with the goal of others enjoying my writing more often than not, but it's so amazing to write something I'll enjoy reading someday, even if nobody else does. If it's complicated and convoluted... That's what I like!! Yay!!!
If any other writers see this, feel free to RB and talk about your self-indulgent story that gives you joy! <3 Doesn't have to be completed, or even started--mine's still in the outline phase!
#this is about my evil messy kh fake dating story i've been obsessed with for a couple days#i can't publish any of it until i have at LEAST an outline for the whole thing because the idea is. very easy to screw up. like i've alread#made big changes. i really need to know the ending and middle events so they're both satisfying. i mean i know what they are#but i need to know how to get there in a believable way. this is hard when i don't understand people or romance but then i remember everyon#in the fic is from kingdom hearts so they're all dumb like me to a certain extent. and also a very important theme of the fic is#understanding romance and different people's perceptions of it. so it's probably good if some of the chars are weird like me!!#chirp#fanfic#fanfiction#writing#OH and i actually need to beat the series first. it's post-khiii/khiv and i haven't even beat bbs yet. that might help. with accuracy.#but yeah it's contrived and it's messy and it's uncomfortable and it's like a rom com but in real life but in kingdom hearts.#what more could you possibly need.
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