#i've been feeling more capable of social media in the last week

[echoes-lighthouse]

Hi I haven't been on this blog much because I've been busy writing over 100,000 words of self-indulgent vampire self-insert content, HOWEVER

I did watch the new Helluva Boss short and I'm obviously in love with Emberlynn, I adore her, I want the Hellaverse to get overrun with parody self-insert characters. I always fall in love with the reader insert characters in fanfiction so it makes sense that I fell in love with her. Anyways here we are and we're gay and we watch questionable anime and compete to write the most fucked up erotic fanfiction about it.

[studentbyday]

week 3: let's get this bread! (famous last words...)

Omg I can't believe it's only week 3, sm has happened, I swear more time has gone by than actually has 😅😮‍💨🙃 Starting this week feeling a little discouraged because I still have a backlog of schoolwork to catch up on, but let's see if I can get my hopes up again by the end of this week! 🙏🏻🤞🏻If I want to achieve my goals, I need to drastically reduce my screen time. Here's to only using my phone for essential communications and for music, guided meditations, and pilates/yoga videos this week! 😤

mid-week update: this week has been a f*cking mess. mentally, emotionally, physically, existentially. i have not touched the db course so far which was my main goal for this week...every week i'm trying to add something new. i had my reservations about keeping on my original plan for this week, knowing i ended the last one still behind on school, but i went ahead with it, wondering, hoping if it was at all possible. well. we'll see where i'm at by the end of this week. at the very least i'll be closer to caught up.

end-of-week update: posting this early so i don't have to on sunday. i'm making progress but it's still slower than expected. insomnia is a problem. my nerves feel pretty frayed. must find ways to decrease the stimulation. time to reinstate the no-phone mornings (probs should add to my “bingo”) and a social media detox... not sure if i'll have time to post again next week. i find it hard to keep up. i'll probably come back if/when i get things under control...so bye for now (and i sincerely hope your semester is going better than mine 💗) 👋🏻

Academics:

Check and send pathology assignment!!!! ✅

Confirm immunology discussion due date!! ✅

Watch documentary on Wangari Maathai ✅ (glad i did this first thing on monday after sending the path assignment because it was really inspiring and lifted my spirits enough to keep going 💗)

Meet for pathology assignment ✅ (2 members in my group are like...really high-energy and gung-ho. i'm glad cuz that means it's a lighter load for me but woah was that overwhelming at first 😅 and the thing is...these guys aren't the first i've encountered like this. and i'm low-key jealous of them... they're the kind of people who give off the aura of “i'm capable of doing it all” because they're that driven...and based on what i've seen of them, i don't think they're faking it.)

Read all assignment descriptions for global health before you... ✅

Email chosen essay topic to TA by Thursday ✅

Finish M1 pathology by Wednesday ✅

Complete pathology M1 case questions

Finish half of M2 pathology by Sunday

Start pathology M2 case questions

Finish half of M2 global health by Friday ✅

Finish half of M3 immunology by Sunday

Finish M2 microbiology ~ (made some progress but not finished)

Start M3 microbiology

Participate in global health meeting ✅ (wasn't bad but also...not sure when this happened but i've gotten quite nervous speaking up in class and then in my overstimulation, forget some of what i had intended to say, ughhh just gotta keep practicing...)

Complete immunology discussion ✅

Send other pathology assignment ✅

Complete global health discussion ✅

Health:

Meditate x1

Journal x3

Yoga x2

Cardio x1

Pilates x1 (the first time i made it through a 30 min class in one sitting whooooo!!!!!)

Other life things:

Change bedding

Laundry

Music in My Head:

andante spianato et grande polonaise brillante

study music // 1 // 2 // 3

a strange playlist for strange people

piano trio no. 4 in e minor, op. 90, b. 166, “dumky”: i. lento maestoso / ii. poco adagio

pavane op. 50

Things I'm looking forward to:

end of the semester

the height of autumn

christmas

My not-bingo bingo (thinking I'll recycle this every month lol):

[quanticowrites]

Surf (Kate Whistler x Reader)

•• First Whistler fic! For anon, I hope you enjoy! ••

“Ow! God damn it!”

“If you’d stop moving, this would be less painful!”

“You’re putting too much pressure! It’s going to start bleeding again!”

“I’m certified in this shit, (y/n).” She said, tightening the bandage some more around your waist. “I know what I’m doing.” You winced. Well, you had no one to blame but yourself for getting shot. You’d hesitated because the shooter was so young. Kate leaned back on her knees and sighed. “You never should have been there in the first place.”

“I was doing just fine until-!” You stopped and took a sharp intake of breath through your teeth. Yelling did not help the pain that blossomed from your torso. “Fuck.”

“Don't strain yourself.” She stated, getting off the bed and helping you get leaned up against some pillows at the headboard. “Tennant knew I would object to this. That's why she was sure to get you out there before I could say anything.” She paused as if she wanted you to say something. Maybe tell her she was wrong. Unfortunately…she wasn't. Jane knew how Kate would feel about you going into deep cover, so she rushed you out of the building as fast as possible before Kate’s FBI team could catch wind of her plan. There was a new chain of dry cleaners popping up on the island, but it was a front for a drug ring trying to establish itself here. Jane wanted to nip it in the bud before it could get out of control. So, she put you on the inside. You'd been under for two weeks before this incident. Meaning you had two weeks of Kate ranting to go before she got over it. “Are you going to object?” She asked, crossing her arms. You scoffed.

“No, I'm not. I agreed with Tennant’s decision.” You saw her jaw clench. She wasn't happy about this new revelation.

“You what?”

“I chose to go undercover.”

“Why would you do that?” You blinked. She hadn't been informed of that part?

“Kate, I'm more than capable of taking care of myself. I've been with NCIS just as long as you've been with the FBI.”

“It's not that-.” She huffed. “I just…you couldn't find two minutes to tell me about it?”

“Not really.” You start, already not liking the answer you had to give. “With helping Ernie make the fake background and social media to Tennant running me out of there…my mind was scrambling.” Kate sighed again. But this one seemed more understanding. If that made sense. She gently sat on the other side of the bed. Doing her best not to jostle you.

“FBI Agents go dark in the field all the time.” She started to fidget with her fingers. Picking at her nails and peeling the nail polish off in chunks. “I'm used to that at work. But…I never thought that might happen with you.” She laughed. “I don't know why, you're an agent just like I am. It could happen to us at any moment.”

“Come on, Kate. It's late. Lay down.” You lifted the blanket and Kate sent you a smile before snuggling underneath and curling up close to you. “How about…we have a secret word.” She blinked, her lips twitching upwards.

“Like…for sex?” You laughed, before biting your lip. Laughing that hard did not help the pain from your gunshot wound.

“N-no. Not for s-sex.” You waited until you regained your composure before telling her your actual idea. “For if one of us gets called to go undercover.” You saw her eyes moving through scenes in her mind. She ultimately nodded.

“That sounds like a good idea.”

“I have good ideas.”

“On occasion.”

“I have good ideas all the time!”

“Tell that to the last load of laundry you did.”

“I genuinely thought adding bleach and detergent at the same time would wash both white and regular clothes.”

“Where did you hear that?”

“No one! I just thought of it!” You reached your hand out and held a finger to the tip of her nose. “Anyway, you're getting off-topic. We still gotta pick a word.”

“Alright. Fine.”

“How about…Aristotle?”

“The Philosopher?”

“Yeah.”

“No.”

“Okay. Cheetos?”

“Cheetos?”

“They're my favorite junk food.”

“I already knew that.” You moved your finger to her forehead. “Let's pick a word that can be easily moved into a conversation. In case we have to be quick about it.”

“How can you be so smart and so dumb at the same time.”

“It baffles the mind.” You looked her over with a smile. “Come on, that brain of yours can think of something.”

“Then….how about surf?” You nodded. That was a practical word for two agents that worked in Hawaii. Surfing was one of the most popular things to do on the island. It could work.

“That's perfect.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, Kate.” You sighed, feeling the constraints of your bandages. “Your bandage skills aren't perfect though.”

Tag list:

@stanathanxoox , @nikkiwierden , @malindacath , @havlindzk , @countrygal17a , @memyselfandmaddox , @octobersmog , @mizzezm , @diaryofafan17 , @emmitheacefangirl , @a-sad-excuse-of-everything , @marennnx

[livehorses]

Obviously when Lent starts, any catholic has their spirit uplifted with the hope and good intention to renounce to those things that slow them down in their spiritual journey. But truth is, as the season continues, those good intentions are faded away by temptantion and emotional drain. As in the Parable of the Sower, the plants of seeds that fell among rocks or thorns, can be easily anniquilated. The thing is, we always make the mistake to rely only on our own strength, thinking that it will be enough, when, as our Lord says, “Indeed, the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” Mathew 26:41

As you may know, my main goal in Lent is to spend less time on Social Media, since it can be very absorbing, making me pay less attention to my spiritual life, my personal relationships with those around me and to ignore my main chores. Sadly, is one of my most strong weaknesses. I always feel tempted to check that comment, to see what's new, what my friends have been up to, which, isn't wrong exactly, but doing it the whole time can invade my whole day and it can turn out as a very strong addiction.

Thinking about this, I remembered one episode from Adventures in Odyssey that I enjoyed a lot. Connie, one of the characters, is upset with all the bad stuff that happens in the World, and she tells Whittaker, the main character, that all it takes is for every person on Earth to try and be good and kind with each other. Whit laughs at her and tells her that's impossible.

When I heard that in the episode, I personally felt upset. I use to try to give my best in everything because I'm so tired of how bad has been doing the World lately with wars and political conflicts. All I know it's that a stronger change comes with personal change, only to discover that the same evil I see out there relies inside of me as well, as I'm also capable of feeling envy, pride, greed, hatred and resentment.

Going back to the episode, Connie decides to prove Whit wrong and makes the resolution of being patient with everyone for a week. Long story short, (spoilers alert) she ends up failing at her own resolution. Whit's conclution is that we may have the best intentions at hand, but without God, the source of our strength, we can't accomplish anything.

It's not that we lack of strength and personal resilience to resist to temptantion and do good, as doing good is also a human natural thing. It's that we didn't get it, and we can't get it without going to the source of it. It's like, trying to go a whole day without consumming water or food. Of course we have some energy left from our lasts meals and night rests, but if we don't take care of ourselves, sooner or later we will faint. So, as to achieve a true personal change, we must look for our spiritual meal.

I can say, I've failed miserably to stay out from Social Media by my own strength, but in other things, I realized I'm more able to do things that costed me a lot more in the past, like waking up early, renouncing to little whims, making house chores, helping and understanding others, being kind and patient, when I started the day with a prayer and trusting God wholeheartedly.

I still need more improvement to do, but I'm sure that with God, strenght won't be lacking.

[thassa]

Some good things did come out of my large breakdowns I had a few weeks ago.

I've never had much faith in myself in regards to my goals, and I gave up on a lot of things that mattered to me. Music, art, social work. I struggled with impostor syndrome my entire life, and suffered from low self esteem due to the struggles that came with growing up with undiagnosed ADHD. I always felt like I tricked people into thinking I was smart because I could never do things consistently. And I pretended that I just didn't want to do those things anymore, when in reality I didn't think I deserved to do them, because I wasn't actually capable.

I realized that if I wanted to be happy, I needed to give myself more credit and be willing to make mistakes. I am allowing myself to realize I'm lovable, I'm likeable, and I didn't trick my friends or loved ones into caring for me. I'm worth having a job that makes me happy, and I'm worth pursuing my passions. I played my bass guitar for the first time in years the other day, and even though it wasn't much, it was... unbelievably cathartic.

For the first time in a long time, I'm making some new years resolutions and planning long term goals. They include:

- Starting therapy. I have been more stable the last couple weeks- I am trying to be kinder to myself and practicing grounding techniques for when work gets overwhelming, but I feel like I need to have an outlet to talk things out. I have reached out to a few therapists and am waiting to hear what their availability is like to schedule consultations.

- Get back into bass and art! I ideally would like to get an upright bass and join the local community orchestra, but I don't think that's going to be realistic for a while. That doesn't mean I can't play, though, even if it's for myself. I need to actually get my bass guitar and amp set up, but in my downtime I've been sight reading some music and practicing the rhythms. I also have been trying to draw more. Ideally, I would practice the basics, because I want to refine my style more, but as long as I'm creating I'm happy.

- Networking with the new marketing director at my current job. While the customer service aspect of my job sucks at times, I work with a supportive team and I know if I ask my boss, she'd support me trying to learn and grow, and who knows? Maybe I'd be able to shift gears from my current position.

- Finish taking this marketing course through Coursera, and maybe get a couple other certifications along the way. I'm on track to finish the Coursera course in six months, but I'd like to get it down to three, if possible. It's pretty easy to finish a week's worth of modules in a day as long as I have the spoons (and now that I'm back on my ADHD meds, it should be easier)

- Once I'm further along in the course and have more formal training, I want to reach out to the chorus my wife volunteers with and offer to do their social media. I know it's something they don't have a lot of time for (and it could use improvement), it would be good experience for me, and it would get me volunteer experience in two fields I'm passionate about: music and the LGBT community.

And as for my long term goals, they include:

- Getting a job in marketing, ideally for a company that specializes in music or audio

- Finding community in music. Be this getting an upright bass and joining an orchestra, or playing folk music with my wife and our friends, or whatever. Music used to mean so much to me, and while I don't want performing to be my full time job anymore, I want it to be a part of my life in some way, shape or form.

- Finding community in the arts again. I feel like I made some good headway last year, but my insecurities kept me from doing more. I also want to pursue more physical art. I enjoy doing digital art, but I'm definitely harder on myself than I am when I use a physical media. I place a lot of pressure on myself to make it perfect, which leads to my style being sanitized.

- Improve my executive functioning skills. I'm slowly getting better, but therapy will help

I haven't had a long term goal since I got married, bought our house and graduated college, which has lead to me just kind of floating around. I feel like these goals reflect what I've been missing and I'm excited to pursue them!

[vega-and-the-pleiades]

Fueled by an alcohol and a content warning for some particularly impressive trauma, and bringing out the classic read more (while recognizing nerds are not gonna read this). TW for probably some dead kids, Palestinian genocide, and god fucking knows what else.

I'm starting to feel like younger generations have a problem fetishizing trauma and violence. Hear me out.

I'm fully capable of recognizing that this is arguably my debut into judging the younger generation and this might very well read like a gen xer saying "man all those violent video games must be messing the kids up" but have you looked at the state of social media right now? Have you taken even a cursory glance at the doom cult that is guestimating how many of us won't survive 2024 and making a habit out of showing pictures of dead children on the regular? I'm recognizing the incredible signs of burnout amongst my pro-Palestinian friends. Discussions regarding how "I can't even bring myself to go to work when this is happening" and, more importantly, ungodly guilt trippy posts about how it's one's duty to push through that. How the only voice for the Palestinians rests upon us and if you're tired, too fucking bad. You're not going through half of what they are so you can deal and keep doing what you're doing. And you're a bad person if you don't.

I've already talked about how I work in public safety and I've seen that attitude kill my friends (or mess them up beyond reason). You know who copes well with the job? People who maintain balance in their life. People who take their weekends to go fishing or skiing or whatever the case is to get themselves ready to dive back into the mess. The ones who can't handle it don't break because they lack fortitude. They break because they work 60+ hour weeks and fail to divorce themselves from the job on their off time. They have a devastating call and don't take the sup's offer to go home early that day. That's not a sustainable model for anyone and I really feel like these youngins don't have the life experience to understand that they are irreparably damaging their brains and their bodies with this.

As a complete aside, I would be remiss if I didn't talk about my personal toll these last weeks with all this. My socials at this point are cute cats, goth fashion, and my friends. Lighthearted and low key. I don't mind activism on my feeds to any extent, and you bet I've gotten some good reminders to kick a few dollars to orgs doing relief work in Palestine and Jewish orgs doing decolonial work here and abroad. But you know what the last thing I needed to see a week before Christmas when I got off a dead kid shift was? More dead kids. We're talking active CPR, ECMO cannulation, whole nine yards on a literal child in literal person, I got home not okay, went for some cute cats on insta and the FIRST THING on my page was dead kids under rubble.

I appreciate the fact that to some of y'all, the shock value of all this is motivating. But I desperately need you to leave your approximation of the grief of seeing a dead child, or a dead pregnant person somewhere out of reach of those of us who have fucking been there, okay? And I SURE AS FUCK don't need you guilt tripping me for logging out of instagram over that, okay? I swear to god it's like some of you are so fucking desperate to live these experiences and if that's the case, public safety, healthcare, and international disaster orgs can use you. But this shit has to stop. Unmoderated doomscrolling trauma porn doesn't help you and it pushes some of us so close to the event horizon that we risk losing our literal livelihoods.

Say what you want for 2013 Tumblr. At least we had content warnings and read mores. Inb4 someone tells me I should quit my job or that I'm weak or whatever.

[charredcheddar]

It's autism awareness month so I guess everyone needs to be aware of me.

This does devolve into a vent so fair warning here

I was diagnosed in my last year of secondary school during post-lockdown when I was 15/16 (though for some reason my report says I was 17 despite that objectively not being true; that's an offical medical document, it's mildly concerning). The only reason I did was because lockdown had messed me up so much I point-blank refused to attend school. In the end I had to join a video call with my head of house and ESLA worker who told my parents that they could not help me and to get professional help. I thought they meant therapy for depression. My parents decided they meant to get the autism diagnosis I had been asking for.

I'd been self diagnosed for at least a year by that point so I really didn't know what it was going to do for me. The only real benefit was mildly getting rid of my imposter syndrome. Since I diagnosed myeslf based on information I got on tiktok, I was worried I was just following a trend or that the app itself had caused all my issues (like ruining my attention span). Nowadays I don't know what is my autism, what is depression and what is just me being lazy and unmotivated.

Either way, I am now formally diagnosed and have been for 2 and a half years. Not that it helped. I did manage to go back to school and get my GCSEs. Honestly they were very good but deep down I knew I was capable of better. I got into the local sixth form studying four subjects. At the end of first year, I signed up to take an EPQ. To noone's surprise, this was too much for me and I did no work over the summer. As well as this, I was 9 months behind on maths/further maths homework, barely completing my film coursework and had pretty much checked out of computing. During a breakdown 2 days before the start of the year, my mum sat me down and asked if I really wanted to go back. I said no and she called my form tutor to arrange me dropping out. Since I was going to turn 18 in a few weeks, she said I didn't need to go back at all.

So now 7 months later I'm not really doing anything. I've had the same part time job since late 2022 and did a 3 month full time job a few months ago. However, that was so draining I didn't accept the extended contract they offered. To be completely honest, I'm worried I will never be able to hold down a full time job. I'm also mourning the fact I will never be able to go to university. I cannot do independent study and self motivation. It's hard considering my whole life I felt like I was meant to go to uni and study a stem subject because I was book smart. Looking back, I don't think I ever actually learned anything I just was really good at memorising information for exams.

I'm trying to spend more time on my hobbies and interests but it's hard to motivate myself to get up. Most of my time is spent on social media watching content to make myself feel better. Every so often I do get around to doing something that I actually want to do. I crocheted myself one of those cat ear hats (it was too big so I might have to do it again but oh well) and I started editing a livestream I did last month. Plus my music club is starting agin soon and I've missed practising. I wish I could do more. There's still so much I want to learn and do.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I wasn't autistic. The one thought that really messed with me was the fact that if I wasn't autistic I wouldn't be as good at school as I was since my 'intellegence' was just pattern recognition. Ultimately there would be nothing special about me. However, would I have longer lasting friendships? Would I lose my crippling fear of authority and rules so I could have more fun? After all, I'm 18 and feel like it's too late to enjoy my life.

I suppose there's some parts of my autism that I consider core parts of myself. My ability to become obsessed with something like a piece of media that brings me joy. My pattern recognition, as mentioned. Without those I don't really know who I am. Autism is such a core part of my personality and self and without it I really don't think I would be the same person.

Anyway that was a lot but I need to get back to telling you about the Five Nights at Freddy's lore/ref

[skeletonsinherheart]

I know too well the things I've done. Who I've broken, left behind. Left in pieces smaller than any atom, and scar tissue that runs deeper than the darkest depths of the sea.

I used to think I knew pain. The kind that rips through your soul like wildfire incinerating and annihilating any living thing it touches. Nothing but death and ash, pieces of you falling like snow. A tangible, crushing darkness that surrounds you like a curtain of ebony. Pressing you down, burying you beneath the earth.

But I have been drowning these last years. Beyond anything I've ever experienced up to this point in my life. After I lost everything in that fire, it seemed a catalyst for a series of traumatic events that has since escalated in size and scale for what i have lost, or what has been ripped and taken from me. I have been hit by a freight train of imaginable magnitude over and over, back to back, each time escalating my pain to a level I have never known. The heaviest of grief and losses...events that genuinely seem a targeted series of organized events by the universe to test the boundaries of human nature - how much it takes to really, truly break the human soul beyond repair. I have so many things sealed away, locked in steel cages wrapped chains that I've been unable to even begin to accept, let alone process and heal from them.

These past few years I've known more pain than I could ever attempt to put into words.

El being hit by the car, her doctors telling us that she would live and simply needed amputation. Only to get a phone call 3 days later telling us she had several seizures in the night, and she had internal bleeding they couldn't stop. And so we had to say goodbye to her.

And then we lost another. I saw her lying there dead in the road while I was at home alone before Steve was home from work. I had to pull her stiff, cold and frozen body from the pavement and into a box. I remember it made an audible sound...pulling her off the ground. I had to put her intestines in the box with her body separately from her because she was burst open. Her insides covering the pavement in red. I paid no mind to traffic. Why would I.

I watched stony faced as Steve buried her once he'd gotten home, her siblings watching the whole time. Once she was buried, I shed not a single tear more. Just one more thing I hurriedly locked and sealed away in another box, another key to throw in the pile.

A week later, I found out that the man id loved and spent almost the last decade with, had betrayed me. Something I never even considered to be possible, something id never even considered him to be capable of. 7 years of complete trust, shattered. Jagged pieces spilled to the floor, just another piece of my soul chipped away and faded away into nothingness. Something I don't know if I'll ever get back.

And now, I don't even know where I am, who I am. I am a shell. I don't read anymore, play video games. Draw. Anything all I do, is sit and watch tv nonstop in my spare time. Anything to keep the input constant so nothing can squeeze out. So long as it keeps coming in. So I don't have to think, feel, anything.

Matt is dead. Ryan cut me out years ago due to jealousy of the girl he finally got a shot with, and just like that, I was cut out. Blocked on every form of social media, my number, everything.

And then this year, I realize that the last closest person in my life that I had left, had done the same. Blane. One day, after a decent period of silence, I come to the realization that he had done the same. Again I had been blocked on every platform, my number as well I assume. I understand that being who I am and given he now has a son, that he cannot jeopardize what he has no matter the reason. I understand that. All I had asked, was that he not forget about me. Just....don't leave. You're all I had left. Everybody else is gone. Everybody. Every person I have loved and been the closest to is fucking gone. Matt was and will always be my soulmate in the way that he and I were two sides of the same coin. He was my best friend for over 15 years. And he was ripped away from me, from his daughter, everyone who loved him. His car was crushed in such a way that the fire department had to cut him and his partner from their car. I think about that, I picture it, all the time. His bloodied, mangled and lifeless body crushed by the weight. What was left of it when his mother sent him into the fire to be cremated. A piece of him I carry with me every day around my neck, because I know I will never, ever, see his face, or hear his voice, hear him tell me that he loves me. I will never have him again. He didn't have a choice when the cruel forces of this universe just ripped him away. On Christmas day. He was stolen from me. Something he never had a choice in.

I lost Ryan years ago to another woman's jealousy, I lost Matt to one girls selfish reckless and careless actions... something that has since left me broken beyond repair. Finding out that I was intimately betrayed by the man who's supposed to love me. And then Blane was ripped from me too. Only by choice. I understand. I really do. I only asked to not leave me behind, he was all I had then. If he had just....told me, beforehand. Bracing me for the impact of losing him in his entirety. Not by realizing I'd been pushed out, locked out, blocked out. Finding out by chance one day, after months of no reply.

Three people I had never once considered that their absence from my life was a possibility. Two in particular.

I don't even know what I have left now. I don't know what is left of me. My pain has been compacted so deeply that I have truly been afraid that releasing any of it either by accident or design would lead to a break in my psyche that I would not return from. Every day I carry with me the weight of such loneliness, regret, rage. A harrowing grief that cuts through every inch of me like razor wire coated in shards of glass. Every moment it's like I cannot breathe save for a few gasps of air when I manage to claw my way to the surface of this crushing sea of loss. I haven't had but a moment to breathe before I am thrust back beneath the surface. It's been years of this. So much that I cannot even remember it all, only what I've been able to write.

I don't know who or what I am anymore. I don't feel human. I don't speak to anyone, I don't leave the house except to work, I can't do anything that I used to enjoy. I am so suffocated by loss, I am so blinded by grief and anger every moment that I am choked by it. I dare not open my mouth for fear that I could split the sky open should I scream at the heavens.

This is all I am now. It's the most ive said since I don't know when. It's just all I know now. This is me now. Whatever it is. God help me.

[redwineconversation]

Perle Morroni Olympique & Lyonnais Interview (January 21, 2023)

Blah blah standard disclaimers apply; @OL Comms all I want in life is a Starbucks medicine ball because COVID is not fun; Paul Wheeler was right about y'all and your actions only confirm it; you might hate social media but Perle Morroni hates it more; y'all know the speech.

Perle Morroni is criminally underrated and yes, I will die on this hill. If Lyon isn't able to convince her to extend then it will be criminal malpractice on behalf of Kang, Ponsot, Bompastor, and everyone else with signing authority.

But the Perle Morroni case also presents an interesting saga: for the most part, you have to be a top player to be recruited by Lyon. But there can only be 11 players on the field, which means you might not always start. So do you go to a team where you might not be a starter but they're capable of winning trophies, or do you stay at a club who isn't a title pretender but you get guaranteed playing time? What is worth more, winning, or a comfort zone?

Anyway, enough with the philosophical discussions.

Lyon - Perle Morroni: "The French National Team remains an objective for me"

Having found a certain amount of playing time again and performing better with Lyon, Perle Morroni still hasn't been called back up to the French National Team. The left back isn't obsessing over it, believing that her performances speak for themselves whilst talks regarding her extension have been taking place in Lyon.

Olympique & Lyonnais: One week later, Lyon is playing once more against Montpellier this Sunday (9:00 p.m.) in D1 Arkema in a packed calendar. Was this start in January not too difficult?

Perle Morroni: No, it's the opposite, it does us good. We started off with two wins (Paris FC in the league and Montpellier in the Coupe de France) so on the contrary, we were eager to start back up again.

Sunday, you will be returning to Montpellier, where you were born. Does it ever feel special playing against Montpellier?

It was more in the beginning where it was special because I was playing with PSG and I would meet them in the youth games. Now, it's been years, it's become normal, we often play against them so it's become the norm. They remain a solid team and are difficult to play against.

There was a preseason camp in Spain in early January. Was it important to start off this obviously important second half of the season?

Starting up against after a few vacation days, it's always a bit difficult, but we are with our friends again. We had fun in Spain, whether it was with the players or the staff. There is a really atmosphere in the group, it's been like that for a while, but this year, it's even more so.

Delphine Cascarino has been back with the group for a few weeks now. You two are close so this return must be exciting for you?

It's nice to see her on the field, touch wood, but I see she is feeling good, she is doing well physically and in her head there is only positive mentality. To have Delphine available, that only strengthens a team.

"I want to develop more as a left back"

On a personal note, you've played 17 games since the start of the season. A positive?

Obviously, it's nice to be playing more. When you're a competitor, you want to play as many games as possible, to win as much as possible. I've always given the maximum, I'm in a big club, but for sure on a personal note, I'm happy with this first half of the season, to be playing more so I can continue to progress.

For a while now we feel you are playing more freely, more confident in taking risks compared to last season...

It's when you play that you feel the best. The more you play, the better you feel on the pitch. You have good sensations, you're more "free" in your head. Lately, I've been playing consecutive games so I feel better and that allows me to get closer to goal the past few times. The players keep telling me I need to score so I'm shooting with more confidence, it might come eventually. It'll be nice to make a difference like that even if my role before anything else is to defend well. At this position, you have to be a complete player.

Defensively, it's rather encouraging to have only conceded five goals before traveling to Montpellier, no?

As defenders, it's one of the objectives we fixed for ourselves at the start of the season, trying and concede the least amount of goals possible. Beyond that, it's teamwork before anything else, even the forwards are involved. We can still improve because there were goals we could have avoided [conceding], but we're working with the staff to iron out the details.

You've been at Lyon for three years. How do you feel about it?

I arrived, I was 23, I'm 26 now, so I've grown as a woman and player. I only have positives in this adventure even if there were complicated moments. I feel better and better, I know myself better and better. It's been a good progression since I have been at Lyon and this season only confirms it.

"It's what happens on the field that should count, not social media"

Your path has still had a lot of ups and downs. How do you feel with it?

It's part of football. When I came to Lyon, I knew there would be ups and downs because it's a big club, but I am well surrounded by my family who really support me. It's part of your career as an athlete to have highs and lows, what's important is to get back up. When that happens, you become a force of nature.

This inconsistent playing time cost you a place with the National Team. Missing the Euros and the World Cup must have been difficult?

I handled it pretty well. After, it's true that I still had playing time last season, so I don't know if the head coach took those into consideration. It's obviously hard not to be selected, but I think I am in the best club in the world so I'm not worried about that. I'm pretty positive and I know it will come one day or another.

With your performances improving, are you paying more attention to the lists since the start of the season?

When you play at Lyon, you expect to be part of the lists when you see all the players surrounding you and they are getting selected. So you expect to experience the same thing. I look at the lists, but it will only happen by giving everything on the field, on giving your everything and winning the maximum amount of titles, be it with or without the French National Team.

Is the French National Team still an object?

When you are at the top level, you absolutely want to play with your National Team and that is the case for me. But beyond that, there are choices. I haven't really talked with Herve Renard but also, he has a lot of things going on.

"Lyon want me to extend"

The fact you are pretty reserved and less active on social media, could that play against you?

Maybe, but for me, it's performances on the field that should matter. Our talent should be there. But it's true where we're certainly in a generation where we are expected to be open with the media, or on social media. I'm not like that. I should probably improve on that for interviews, to be less reserved, but for the moment, I'm happy like this. The pitch is what matters.

Sonia Bompastor insists a lot on the psychological aspect. We get the impression she is often behind you, supporting you...

If she is supporting me, it means that she is counting on me, that she has confidence in me and she wants that I give my best when she sees I can do better, so I take it as a positive if that's what people think from the outside.

Beyond the French National Team, your future is undermined with a contract about to end. What will happen in June?

I'm focused on what is coming up in the second half of the season with all the matchups which are going to happen. But there are discussions with the club so it is nice that a big club like this one wants me to extend. I leave this to those in charge in and I concentrate on what is happening on the field. We'll see little by little what is going to happen in the future.

Would being a starter in another club to improve your chances of being selected something that you have to take into consideration?

My decision won't necessarily be based on the French National Team. There are a lot of elements to take into consideration, with my personal life, what is best for me, etc. I've been in France for a few years, but I am playing with a really big club with Lyon. There are a lot of things so that's why I don't like to think about it too much and when the moment comes, everyone will know my decision.

[suometar]

Power song of the day: Wake up by Smash into Pieces

You can not resist, like a moth to a flame -- You know it will burn, but sometimes you enjoy the pain

This is your favorite game -- But you're gonna be defeated -- And you're never gonna beat it -- Controls you like a slave -- But you gotta stop pretending -- You won't get a happy ending

(Chorus) Someday you're gonna wake up -- Gonna wake up -- From a life in fantasy -- Someday you're gonna wake up -- Gonna wake up -- And realize it's not meant to be -- You stumble in the dark cause you close your eyes -- Guided by the sweet talk lullaby -- But someday you will wake up -- You will wake up From a life in fantasy -- Wake up!

You try to cut everyone out of your life -- So no one can question how you can believe the lies

This is your favorite game -- But you're gonna be defeated -- And you're never gonna beat it -- Controls you like a slave -- But you gotta stop pretending -- You won't get a happy ending

(Chorus)

You're in the fire, what do you do? -- You wake up -- The final round is waiting for you

(Chorus)

Why? Well...

I'm coming down from mania.

Which sucks. And here's a glimpse into my 30 or so years experience of this nonsense.

But before I say more I want to say to everyone who I have been venting during the last month or so:

Please don't think that you have contributed in making my situation worse. You haven't. The fuel for all of it comes from within myself. I am nothing but crateful that I have had a chance to vent to someone because otherwise it all would've just clumped inside me and that would've made the situation worse.

And besides, not all venting has been caused just by mania. When I'm manic it doesn't remove the normal thoughts and feelings I have.

When you're stuck in a tar pit created by a certain person for who knows how many years in a row it's obvious it's not just the mania. I think you guys know what that's like :D

Coming down is like a really really really REALLY bad hangover

Except that you can remember every single thing you've done, the things you've felt, the things you've planned, what you thought of. EVERYTHING.

And you KNOW they're all just a result of the chemical imbalance of your own brain.

Coming down doesn't mean necessarily that I'm now depressed. It's just getting back to your normal state from mania.

But the bad hangover is real. If you've experienced that you know what it's like. Regrets after regrets.

What's mania like

That ecstacy of mania is an immense rush you don't really know unless you've experienced it yourself.

It's difficult to describe, but I think falling in love really hard and fast is the closest that describes it best. You have butterflies in your stomach all the time, you're hyperfixating on that one person and you feel invincible, like everything in your life is finally perfect and you're in control like never before.

Or even better: It's like being on speed, except without the drugs. Overstimulated 24-7-365.

Hyperfixation is typical for mania

In my case the hyperfixation can be basically anything from men (real or fictional, doesn't really matter lol) to any action, hobby or even work, totally depends on the situation.

What I do is I dedicate all my time to that one thing and one thing only even though I know it's not healthy.

Thank god I've learned to control it so that it won't take ALL of my time anymore, but it still is there. And I need to cater it to some extent or I won't be able to do anything.

It's like having a parasite you can't get rid of but you can make it behave if you give it some attention from time to time.

What's real and what's not? That is the question

When you're having mania it's sometimes super hard to differentiate what's a real thought and what is based on the illusion created by your own mind. And even though I am nowadays capable to tell the difference of my real thoughts/feelings and the ones fueled by mania the later ones do have an effect on me even though I try not to react to them.

The tricky thing is that your body can't tell the difference of a so called real/normal thought/feeling and one created inside my head fueled by mania.

A manic person wants nothing more than get more of the dopamine that fuels the ecstacy. Which easily can lead to a psychotic episode/period.

The saddest part is that manic person usually looks and behaves exactly like any normal person. You can't tell from outside if someone is having mania unless they choose to show it. Psychotic then usually is clearly psychotic and erratic and behaves totally out of character.

Triggers for mania

Anything can basically be a trigger for mania and they vary from person to person. For me it's usually one of the following:

an extreme negative change in life (such as death, divorce or other big things like that),

finding a new crush,

intensive concentration on some activity,

social media, or

as surprising as it might be: music. Especially any with a faster tempo.

Usually though I have already been somewhat hypomanic before the real mania hits. Hypomania though is very hard to notice because I'm somewhat easily excited and impulsive already by nature.

But I've lived with this so long that I know when it's going overboard. My manic mind just usually chooses to say it's nothing and I believe it like a fool - because it feels so good.

This time the trigger for me was intensive concentrating on writing. While the writing was crucial in easing my general anxiety this time it had this unfortunate side effect.

Nonetheless, I'm not quitting writing. Because the anxiety has eased significantly from when I started. I probably need to change the subject for a while and not to write daily or limit it just for 30 mins a day.

How a new crush can happen when you're married, you ask?

Oh, easily. See, with a manic mind a marriage is nothing but an obstacle. Nothing is but an obstacle that is designed to limit you. Because you're omnipotent. And obstacles - well, they're made to be conquered or plowed through.

In my case I've chosen to keep my crushes online and physically as far away from me as possible. I've made a mistake of crushing into someone irl and that was UGLY for all parties involved.

Thirsting over someone from afar online while remaining happily married is by far a better option.

How to control mania or turn it off

Yes, you can turn it off. The problem with that is that usually manic person doesn't

feel like something is wrong, and

doesn't want to get down from the high.

But there are things you can do to get it end sooner.

Log off from all social media. Seriously. Don't just turn notifications off - LOG OFF.

If that's not enough, remove all the social media apps from your phone. You can always install them again.

Turn off your phone if it's possible.

Don't use computer unless it is absolutely necessary - like for paying bills. You don't need to find out what age Barbara Streissand is at 2:30am - or, well, ever.

Social media is by far the biggest contributor for mania. The apps are designed to give us a dopamine rush each time we scroll down any feed and see a new post. That's how they keep us stuck on them.

When you already have an issue with the dopamine rush using social media just makes it worse.

You won't miss anything if you log off for two days or a week. SERIOUSLY. But it will improve your well-being tremendously.

The absolutely best thing you can do is to create as dull environment to yourself as possible. That there's nothing artificial you can drown yourself into. Best place to be in mania is in the middle of the woods without any mobile signal - trust me.

Take up an activity where you do something with your hands. Hands-on approach is crucial.

Doing things with your hands will root you into the real world.

It doesn't matter what it is: cooking, cleaning, handcrafts, drawing or painting (NOT on a computer or ipad but with real pencils/crayons/paints/brushes/etc).

Remember not to do just that though. Go out (without your phone). Enjoy the nature. Listen to the sounds of the outside world. Don't close your senses with headphones. Read. Watch out of the window. Stare at the wall. Watch the paint dry.

LET YOURSELF GET BORED.

Just stay away from any electronic devices.

The hangover is horrible but it'll pass. And you will feel better afterwards when you're functional again.

------

It's not easy. None of us chose to live with bipolar. It's always inherited. But there are ways to work through it.

I hope this helps at least someone.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[dolliedarlin]

hi!! i’ve missed you so much!! how have you been?? how’s school?? what have you been up to lately?? anything exciting??

personally, it’s been ups and downs lately, and right now i’m in a down. my anxiety has gotten the worst of me and i am really struggling lately. there’s no reason to but i am overthinking the past a lot and i can’t get out of the cycle.

as for school it’s going okay just a lot of homework lately. i’ve been incredibly busy in that aspect of my life as well as with work.

i’m also trying to put my priorities in order and figure out what i want to do with my life and i’ve never felt so lost. like it’s always been a dream as a kid to be a performer but i don’t know if it’s achievable.

i don’t know a lot of things in my life right now are big question marks and i know that i’m young but i want to at least figure some things out, ya know?

i’ve missed you a lot and i can’t wait to hear back from you. i hope you’ve been doing well <3

hello again my love, i'm sorry for always being on and off with my activity here but i promise that i'll always be around nevertheless. i've missed you too darling, i hope you've been well ^7^ i've just started my second year of uni and the workload is nothing to laugh at, i underestimated it quite a bit but i'm slowly getting my footing down. i've done practicals every day for the last 2-3 weeks or so and it's pretty exhausting but i'm happy we're back in labs again this year unlike last year when the pandemic greatly limited my course's practical time. it was hard settling in my new place alone and without much help since i insist on being independent but after getting to meet some of the other residents here, i'm much happier and better settled in now :)

how about you, darling? tell me how you've been x

goodness, i'm so sorry to hear that, my love. i don't know what else to say except for that you should avoid judging yourself too harshly for falling into a slump like this, it's normal to have ups and downs and, although the downs may stunt our personal growth for a while, it's not for forever. please try to take a big breather in between all of your activities, i know what it feels like to push yourself to get things done so that you can have more free time but taking time to yourself through it all is just as important.

i've had that slump during the summer actually and i'm still trying to get over it but i've gotten better. My personal advice would be to learn more. You say you want to be a performer and that's wonderful but why? really establish that first and then tell yourself, what do I know about becoming a performer? 10 years from now, what do i want to achieve? for me, i want to help my parents retire quickly and that means showing them how capable i am and to become financially independent so I brought books on the topic and am reading up on them now since i know nothing about money. The more you know about what want can paint a pretty good image of what may lay ahead, and so you'll be able to take better steps forward into achieving what you want for yourself.

you may not learn through self-help books like me but maybe doing work experience or joining a society or club or any extra curricular activity might help you. For example, i joined a university society and applied to become the digital media manager so i could understand how to work as a committee member and manage a social media account. not only that but this can add to your CV which is always good.

most importantly, take it at your own pace, time is money, yes but so is your health and well-being. take care of yourself, my love, that's what matters at the end of the day.

you are loved and cared for, i hope to hear from you soon and hope that things are looking up from there

much love x

[cliquestitsandicks]

Tracking Kat

Episode 1: Kat is mourning the end of her relationship with Adena. It has been 5 weeks since the breakup in Paris. She's still looking at old pictures of them and posted one. She still hasn't sent Adena's equipment to her, even though Adena has been texting her asking for it. By the end of the episode, she's admitted to (in order) Alex, Patrick, and Jane & Sutton that she is not okay. She is still sad about the end of her relationship. Alex tells her "you're so hard on yourself. You got your heart broken. There's no expiration date on heartbreak. You move on when you're ready to move on and when you *are* ready, you will find someone amazing. Someone who will never leave." Then Patrick is an entitled, invasive dick. She told her girls she wasn't ready for it to be real yet and that's why she hadn't told them... but she broke down in front of them. She'd finally accepted it was over. End of the episode, she makes an instagram post exposing her vulnerability to the world and packs up Adena's things for good.

Episode 2: Kat injects Jane for fertility treatment. She is very familiar with Jane's reproductive system at this point - best friends. She learns the Wild Susan, a club Adena took her to that became a safe space she frequents and which happens to be 1 of only TWO lesbian bars in the city, is closing. She learns the only reason it's happening is because developers want to gentrify the neighborhood. We learn Kat has a lawyer (not sure how that may come up later) that she met through the #BeReal campaign. Anyway, Kat throws a queer prom as a fundraiser to help save the Wild Susan. It ultimately fails because $42,000 in one night from poor people is a bit much. But it was a valiant effort and, as Kat learns, the gentrifiers were well aware of its impossibility. This episode is leading up to her political career. "I've been so into my feelings lately, it feels really good to challenge my energy into something that really matters". I am so proud of Kat. In Season 1, I would have worried she was avoiding her feelings, but the writers made a big deal of showing she's done the exact opposite of that in the prior episode.

Episode 3: Kat has been researching councilman Reynolds and he's a total piece of shit - helping gentrifiers, cutting funding to parks, and voting against paid maternity leave. She's fired up. Our girl is P A S S I O N A T E & informed! We meet the councilwoman for whom she plans to volunteer and her campaign manager, Tia. Tia's a tiny, bubbly boss with natural hair and a bright smile and we see Kat brighten up. We later learn she and Kat have more in common, both being NYU grads (actually overlapping while there) and both brilliant. Tia, however, is not from a wealthy and connected background. In their initial meeting, Kat tells Tia "I'm just looking for something to channel my rage and depression". Kat enlists her besties to help get the councilwoman to unseat problematic Reynolds. Sutton clearly sees something between Kat and Tia because she does a friend's background check (checking the social media) and tells Kat she looks very single to which Kat responds "it really doesn't matter because I'm still getting over Adena" and Jane seems skeptical of Kat's protestations with her silent smirk. We learn Kat has really soft lips. Kat is the voice of reason for Alex, being the first one to acknowledge the hypersexual "dangerous" Black man depiction that will likely be projected onto him if he admits he is the man in his friend's story. Then we see her naturally command the crowd at the rally. Again, I am so proud of Kat. She isn't holding back when she knows she should speak up. She's taking control of her narrative. She's fighting for what's right in a constructive manner. And now Tia, who has way more experience with this than Kat, is recommending she run for office.

Episode 4: We start the episode with Kat describing what would be her district and job description to her best friends. She's looking excited about the potential to do something that matters and really help people. In her conversation with the Toby (?. don't know, don't care), we get to see more of Tia being supportive of Kat and Kat being confronted with whether she's motivated to actually run or just wants someone to beat Reynolds. We learn Kat had an abortion in 2013 when she was 20 AS IS HER GOTDAMN RIGHT BECAUSE IT'S HER BODY, but it's something she's felt some sort of shame/concern over seeing as nobody close to her knew about it. Then, and this is so great, after telling her friends she has the conversation with Tia. Tia shares that she's had one as well and completely understands not wanting it to be public knowledge, but in sharing her experience educates Kat on yet another way vulnerable people are having their rights stripped, this time through manipulation and "crisis centers" that shouldn't exist. Tia remains supportive and doesn't pressure Kat at all with her decision. "I am by your side if they come for you, but you gotta do what's right for you". When we get that great speech from Jacqueline we see Kat being moved my the statement that you'll never know what you're capable of if you don't take a leap faith to face challenges that frighten you, then you'll never know what you're capable of. [i'd like to pause right now to say Jacqueline is fucking wonderful and i love her like my white auntie. also Sutton needed to hear that again just as much as Kat and i really appreciate this entire moment.] When Kat leaves Jacqueline's celebration, she passes by one of those "crisis centers" Tia told her about and decides to use her voice to help others. "I like to think of myself as a pretty strong, empowered, forward-thinking, open-minded woman. But, up until now, I haven't been able to talk about my abortion. If me putting myself out there helps even one woman to feel less alone, less ashamed, and less guilty then it's worth it." And just like us, dear Tia is blown away. She actually exhales a breath she didn't know she was holding and biiiiiiiitch (!!!! excitedly). and then they're dancing! This is the episode, upon rewatch, when i recognize how often Tia touches Kat unnecessarily.

Episode 5: Kat's entire recap includes Tia, ending with Sutton saying "she seems to be very single". Her very first scene, Tia is complimenting her walking out of some campaigning event we later learn was a Town Hall. Can we just talk about Kat's blazer for a second? First of all, i want it. Second, how did they find something so perfectly her? It's colorful but still semi-professional, fun, but still about her business. Heart-eye inducing. ok. So the next time we see Kat, she and Tia (whose last name they finally mention as Clayton) are reviewing campaign platform and doing debate prep at Kat's apartment. Tia's complimenting Kat almost continuously at this point. Clearly she's impressed, borderline gushing. and Kat tries to brush it off. Tia's not letting her. And there's this moment when Tia forces herself to break eye contact with her (around 5:40 of the episode). The show tells us Kat still hasn't dated since Adena, but Sutton brings up the "stupid smile" she gets whenever Tia's mentioned. She's making better decisions than Patrick and her being compared to Patrick is lowkey happening a lot. I'm starting to wonder if they're setting up Kat taking over digital if she doesn't win the campaign. Ok, the song choice as they pan to Kat and Tia... "I never normally check my phone 10 times in a minute. I'm not the girl to be kept on hold 10 miles from the finish." Again, Tia is very touchy with Kat, never anything inappropriate of course, but the hand is always on the back or the arm. and their interaction is just.. lovely. I squeal. it's so cute. they're so comfortable. Kat invites Tia to the dinner BEFORE (i got the timing on that mixed up before) Tia says she's "a boring straight girl" [the test determined that was a LIE... nah, my good sis Tia is dealing with some internalized homophobia which is no joking matter, but we don't learn that until the next episode]. Apparently, Kat can cook now? So she just liked Adena's food better i guess? idk... anyway. I get why some of the things Tia said can be taken as flirting, but i still believe that you accept what someone says is their sexuality until they say otherwise. yes, that's even when they're saying things like "when i see what i want, i go for it" and "Annndd she can cook. it's hot" and looking at you like that. Kat telling Jane to apologize because he's her boss and she got suuuper disrespectful and would absolutely deserve getting fired makes me proud. She's the mature friend now. She's the one with a level head on her shoulders. Kat finally makes her feelings known to Tia, but this is after Tia has already stated she's straight. Tia reiterates that this is a professional relationship and apologizes for Kat getting the wrong idea. I'm reminded of when Alex Danvers told Maggie Sawyer she was into her and she was rejected... but in that example i was floored and heartbroken for Alex because ugh, i just didn't see that coming. With this, however, it felt like Tia was clear in her words even if it shocked the hell out of me what the words were. So i didn't feel heartbroken for Kat. I thought... tbh... she brought it on herself for refusing to respect Tia's "no", however soft it was. But the writers did let us know it wasn't over with the music selection... Kat looking at "You and Tia make a great team :)" as "I'll go to war for you" plays.

Episode 6: All the emails have been released and Kat has no worries at all about that because she's a professional. And we get to see her be a boss addressing the entire group. Patrick isn't there this episode (YAY for our sanity!) and i think Kat being a boss so often when Patrick isn't around is intentional. When we see Tia, she says last night is forgotten but she thinks it's a bad idea to remain Kat's campaign manager... which is clearly a hard rejection. One can argue that it's too harsh for someone merely admitting they were into you. But it's just as easy to argue that it's appropriate after telling someone, very clearly, that you are not into them romantically and them ignoring that and saying that you were flirting with them on this date they never called a date before you were already there?? so i'm not mad at it. At the end of the episode, we find out that Tia was rejecting herself, not Kat. Turns out, Ms. Tia Clayton has known she's attracted to women since she was in high school, but she "didn't want to want it". Tia is so TINY AND ANXIOUS ABOUT HER SEXUALITY AND MANY OF US HAVE BEEN THERE. But... and i say this in jest... for someone who is really trying not to be out in the open with her gay, she sure was comfortable kissing Kat all outdoors for anyone to see. My good sis is smitten. I'm excited for the story. Again with the music during their scenes though... "I cannot fallll in love with youuuuu. I cannot feeeeel this way so soon, so soon." Also, my girlfriend and I have watched the gifset of the kiss over the phone and swooned (we live in different states for now). This episode, we also got the flashbacks (i missed Lauren so much). Kat's got red streaks in her hair, is a friend to strangers, has regrettable sex with men who taste like pickles, and is cute as a button. She also called Jacqueline "Mama Jackie" and that's it; that's her name now.

[dontbeshytoaskforhelp]

I've never done something like this before but, My bf of almost 1yr was everything ive wanted, then slowly wasnt. The past 10mo he has ruined me. The cruel names, insults, accusations, and violent threats are daily and getting worse. 9mo ago he started hitting me, choking me, pulling my hair, throwing things at me and worse. He has icolated me, cheats on me, abuses, and uses me. I don't know what to do, Everytime I've tried to leave it doesn't end well. I'm scared, I feel alone, I'm trapped.

When you’re with an abuser, you want to leave in a specific way so that there is little risk for him to harm you. So first off, you can’t tell him you’re leaving. Do it while he is gone and you know where he is and for how long - so you know you’ve got a safe time window to leave. Pack only what you can bring with you. You can replace furniture, but you can’t replace your life.

You have to stay somewhere that he doesn’t know the location to. Find a friend you can stay with until he has calmed down. I would say minimum of three weeks but aim to stay for 6 to 8 weeks, as long as he doesn’t find you there and begin stalking or threatening you. At that point, you will have to leave. Don’t tell anyone where you’re at. Not your parents or friends. Only those that absolutely must know. That way there’s less chance of your ex finding out. You don’t want to tell your sister who tells your aunt who tells your other aunt who tells her son in law who then tells him. Better safe than sorry.

Get a NEW phone number and THEN block his number on your new one. Block him on ALL social media. He does not need to see what you’re doing and you don’t need to know what he’s up to either. 

When you leave, know you’re leaving for good. That it is the last time you’ll ever see one another or ever speak. If he does find a way to contact you, DO NOT REPLY. Not even a simple “leave me alone” or ANYTHING at all. Nothing.

You have to cut him off and cut him off COMPLETELY. It will help both of you move on. The more you talk when separated, the easier it’ll be for him to get you to come back to him. And unfortunately the most dangerous time with an abusive partner is when you break up - meaning they are FAR more likely to kill you (on purpose or in an “accident” in a moment of blind rage) when you’re leaving them and after you’ve left them. So they can act sweet to get you back or even act depressed and willing to change. Or use the old “I am so sorry and I realize what I’ve done wrong and all I want to do is apologize. I’m not asking for you back, I promise I’ll leave you alone if you’ll just talk to me one last time” excuse. Yeah, it will be one last time because you will be dead at the end. NOT saying that happens to everyone but unfortunately there are countless cases where friends or family members say their friend/daughter/sister/etc said that her ex called and said he promised not to ask for her back and to leave her alone if she’d talk to him once more. Then that person was killed. So talking to them is NOT worth it. 

Do this for you. For your friends. Your family. Your future. Your future children. The future love of your life that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

No matter what this guy has made you think, no matter what he has said, you do deserve better. Someone out there can and WILL love you. They will treat you right. They will cherish you. They will respect you. They won’t lay their hands on you in any way that isn’t loving and compassionate. They will be the man you deserve. Every second you’re with this guy, treating you like crap, treating you in a way you both have to know he shouldn’t, is another second you’re wasting. Is another second you can and will never get back. So don’t waste any more than you have to. Wait until you’ve got the time to SAFELY leave without him knowing/seeing and do it. Cut off ALL contact 100% NO EXCUSES!! Do it for you. Because right now, you have to worry about yourself and only about yourself so that your future can be one filled with happiness - not sadness and fear. And every second you’re with an abusive partner, is another second your life is in serious risk. Right now it’s just pulling hair and slapping. But one day it could be his hands around your throat. 

Did you know nearly a third of all women killed by their partners were first abused? Or did you know that a man strangling his partner is a HUGE sign that there is a serious chance they are capable of murdering their partner - because many of the women killed by their partners, had at some point been strangled by them?

But there are the women who weren’t physically abused, only mentally or emotionally abused, and still killed by their partners. There’s the woman shot by her boyfriend, who had before only abused her verbally. Or the woman who tried to break up with her boyfriend, who was verbally abusive but had NEVER laid a hand on her, and when she tried leaving he doused her in gasoline and set her on fire.. alive. She survived. She’s been on Dr Phil a few times to talk to women in abusive relationships. 

So please, please, please, leave. Even if you think “he could never take it that far”, think about those women who thought the same thing and now aren’t here today... Do this for yourself and your family and everyone that loves you. No one wants you hurt. Besides him... He is clearly no good for you.

Leave and DON’T LOOK BACK. 

If you must, for your safety, if he starts stalking you or threatening you, go immediately to the police with screen shots of everything. Download an app to record all calls and save them. Write in a journal EVERY interaction even with recordings + photos + videos. And also IMMEDIATELY go to a women’s shelter. 

Sure the first 3 months might not be great, but wouldn’t you rather trade 3 months of feeling a little alone, a little nervous and unsure, and then the rest of your life happy and enjoying every day - rather than spend every day scared and depressed with someone who doesn’t love you or treat you right?

PS: you’re not alone. You can go to women’s shelters just for meetings. You don’t have to go and stay. So why not do it? Give it a shot. You’ll know you’re not alone then. They will be there for you and I AM here for you too. And if you can bring yourself to be open and honest with friends and family - something you’ll need to do to gain their support and remain clear of your ex - they too will be there for you.

[gaycey-sketchit]

(Gary anon) Sadly not the worst I've seen out of fandoms, but at least this particular case got stomped out quickly. But I doubt the storm is over, we still have 5 months left. (People were already saying that about Leon since the ride to Sword/Shield's release, with "not Charizard again, GF" to boot) Criticism I get to an certain extent, especially for a series that you're passionate, but I have legit seen quite of a bit of friendships that were formed from this anime get broken or

.

(Part 2) strained over the past 1.5 years because of the same anime. Even seeing an increase of people complaining to the official Twitter; last thing I want to see is it going private cause of fandom backlash. Kinda glad for this 2-week break, everyone sorta needs it right now. (But yeah, plenty of time for Alain to leave on a semi-high note, even it won't be battle-wise) My mind's kinda foggy on Adventures, but I don't remember Oak being too bad in that; more active than he was in

(Part 3) the games. The anime version is definitely the kookiest and friendliest version of him. (Considering how stingy they were about showing Gary's 200+ Pokemon, much less interact with anything that wasn't Blastoise, Umbreon, Electivire and Arcanine, it doesn't surprise me it took this long for an on-screen capture. To this day, we never seen him with his full team out, like some rivals have. Including Paul) Right now, I just want his current team, besides Blastoise, to get a longer

(Part 4) and better showcasing. (I've been thinking lately whether Ash will use all 3 gimmicks against Leon or he will be regulated to just 1. If not Leon, who would they do a battle like that with if they go through with it? Right now, Gary's team seems capable of all 3 too and he's been traveling the world, sooo... Honestly, him showing how he learned to do a Z-move will probably the closest we'll get to seeing him in Blue's Alola wear)

(Part 5) I think Iris vs Cynthia is the one I'm looking forward to the most; though I do wonder which gimmick Ash will use since Gengar and Pikachu are here. (Since Team Rocket tend to have a new gig each series, not quite sure about the radio show surviving. Maybe if this was their endgame, yeah. But they've always been good hosts) Yup! The man himself even made it into the after-story of that episode. Hopefully it comes full circle.

Yeah, at least it ended quickly enough.

Hm. Not a fan of how some people in this fandom are clearly looking for any excuse to hate Leon.

Yeah, it's... really sad that a series that's connected so many people is now something people get heated enough about to sever those connections. Like, Pokemon is one of my favorite things in the world, I'm passionate about it and have a lot of feelings about it, but I could never bring myself to end a friendship over it? Or harass people on social media over it? Why does a cute series about superpowed animals and the power of friendship make people act so horrible to each other?

Yeah, this fandom definitely needs time to cool down.

I've only read the first few volumes of Adventures myself (and it's been a hot minute since I've done that) so I really don't know a whole lot, though yeah, I do remember liking Adventures Oak and his relationship with Blue in those early volumes. (And yeah, anime Oak is the most fun incarnation of him.)

True, I guess it shouldn't be that surprising, but I still saw "this episode marks the first time Gary has caught a Pokemon onscreen" and was like "wow, really?" because like. It took 25 years for that to happen? Though it also took like six years to even reveal what his starter was, so like... I guess the writers do that sort of thing with him.

Yeah, hopefully they get some time to shine. Yearning for Umbreon moments.

Yeah, I wonder. If not Leon, Gary would totally be a good option for that. And yeah, his current team has two Pokemon each capable of mega evolution (Blastoise, Tyranitar) and gigantamax (Blastoise again, Hatterene) and of course, any of them could use a Z-move, so like... it's a viable possibility.

Oh yeah, Iris vs Cynthia should be fun. And yeah, Ash has options for what gimmick to use in his battle, I wonder what it'll be.

Alas. Well, it's a fun concept and I guess we'll see what they get up to next season!

Thought so! Yeah, here's hoping!

[violetsystems]

#personal

I sat home last night enjoying the sound of the compression from this hand me down stereo system my dad offloaded on me. I don't hang out with many people at all these days. I grew up an only child so I don't really harbor much resentment towards it. The fear of missing out for some people is constantly real. For me it's usually a fear of wasting my time. Less about wasting money but I'm notoriously frugal these days. My main social activity is taking the granny cart two blocks to fill up at Costco. I don't really feel like my conversational or social skills have gone into atrophy or anything. I used to be a rap emcee way back in the day so public speaking is not something I fear. Speaking without people processing or hearing what I say is a different story. When you come up with shit to journal week after week to an audience of strangers on the internet, I assume I'm communicating in some way, shape or form. One of the main goals I've had throughout all of this is to be regular with the things I do. To maintain some level of productivity nobody really appreciates outside of the people I really love. I record myself on YouTube once every week playing games and realize nobody really watches. I assume that this shows I have the capability to telepresence and maybe work a hybrid job from home. That I have a face and some hair. That I think of witty things to say on the fly. That I'm still alive and breathing with a roof over my head for the time being. Now that my social media isn't disabled, I'm able to post about it and figure out funny ways to "promote myself" that get phantom likes from people less significant than my Tumblr dash. I like to show that I'm still out here after all and that it basically doesn't really matter to people. I've grown closer to people on Tumblr and further away from everything else. So when you stay home on a Friday and sleep some ungodly amount of hours in succession, is it really a loss? Sure I have to block some fake granny accounts with American flag shirts here and there hellbent on cucking the cuckster. But for the most part things are how I want them to be on here. I feel loved and appreciated. Contact is contact at some point when you are used to absolute silence. Music is also music. I made it because it's what I love to listen to. I sat for years alone enough in record bars in Seoul and Tokyo listening to Blur on vinyl to tell you I'm slightly disappointed with everyone thinking they are better than me. And now I sit at home alone doing the same thing with Orbital cassettes I bought at Tower records in Japan. If anyone is missing out on anything, it's the bigger picture of why I've failed to be included in nearly anything except pranks, counter espionage, or organized criminal retaliation. And why I ignore it all happily just the same.

Of all the activities I do from week to week, writing and communicating is a skill that scales well in the real world. I still navigate the job market as best I can. I have strange inbox messages from people from time to time. Not a lot of people historically reach out and talk to me. So when they do, I often think it's from the same source or type of person. Lately it's been a lot of fraud. I try to chime in on an industry related thread on vogue business and my inbox is filled with questions from a person who trades gold in the Maldives. I apply for jobs and get interviews from recruiters that sound more like undercover police than reputable employers. Fun fact that police can impersonate whoever they want. I accidentally let the police into my home once at my old address before I moved to this place. They were impersonating a rental property agency who claimed they were in charge of leasing my apartment. A surly man in a bright orange Chicago bears toque started rifling through my bedroom closets before I asked them to leave. That apartment building was raided by the police a month earlier for some activity on the bottom floor. We all got profiled and surveilled. This was back in 2010. Over ten years later, you can't really trust anyone in my book with too many questions. And yet, you are feeling desperate to find a job after two years so you keep trying anyway. When you keep trying to keep yourself visibly out there while avoiding negative attention it can be a social limbo. I'm a minimalist along with being an only child. I often resort to being happier alone than risking my ethics on other people. So I have minimal expectations when it comes to what I can rely on from other people in real life. I like Tumblr in this respect because there's people you just know without saying a word that get you. It's not about being quantifiable. You don't get an achievement or a public facing acknowledgement other than a handle in a dash. The agenda is to share. There can be some manipulation for sure which is why sometimes the inboxes can seem a little creepy. I can usually tell when people are fishing for info or just trying to have a conversation. Mainly because I can tell earnestly when people try to communicate and why. Mostly because I've learned how horribly people fail in my own life at communicating with me. I'm as good as ghost to people. I'm sure we can acknowledge this by now. I'm derezzed in the worst way from the memory of most. The era behind me is truly wasted time if I try to give it any other chances at mediocrity. So I'm stuck putting a past behind me that only I understand is what the future is largely built on. Other people's bullshit half assed attempts at explaining me without letting me open my mouth. It's always been right here and that's the sick joke of it. Nobody really cares largely other than us. How many of us there really are out there.

That's another thing I don't really dwell on. I often think sometimes I'm only really communicating with one or two people. There's also times I think I'm dead and just a ghost. Maybe some random hologram that people acknowledge but doesn't get that I'm not really alive. This obsession with multiverse in narrative writing is a fucking cop out. But it illustrates how lost America has become in it's own lies. If you don't turn out the way the government planned for you before you were born, well this is your failure. You broke the multiverse. You stepped out of the vision we had for you and you are going to have to pay for it. You can't be happy stumbling back down to the local bar and networking with your 'buddies.' I quit drinking so long ago that people think I'm an asshole for absolutely no reason. I drank a lot because I was frustrated with this very core of a problem I live day in and day out. You can't break through to people who aren't willing to let you in. They want you to fit into a role. You can't just be a musician now. You have to be a TikTok influencer. A salesperson. A cheerleader. You can't just work a regular job. You have to seek out and woo your employer. You have to put your head on the chopping block and provide the golden axe. You can't just be seen as you. You have to gather up all your friends together, pool in your money, live a festering poor artist's life and prove you are worth draining dry on the larger world stage. You can't just sit home and listen to music you own and collected from all over the world. You can't just sit there in your dash all day and share memes with people you've grown to actually care about. Mostly because they're the only people really listening and processing anything you say semiotically or otherwise. You can't be this close to a person without the rest of the world confirming it first. Gossiping about every fucking thing in your life and judging it in some secret celebrity FISA court. You can't move forward unless the mediocre shit has it's say first. You can't be worth something until someone deprives you of it first. You can't fall in love this way without someone critiquing it fifty million times over on a secret reddit thread and doxxing your entire life to own you for something they claimed you said that was leftist. You can actually use the block button and filter out all the worthless trash with a single I don't give a fuck. Because I don't really fear much of anything except missing you. Unless I'm asleep or blocked from your blog on iOS. Even then, the things I respond to are out of love. Out of knowing that people say they care but can't take the time to show it immediately or honestly. In that you have my attention and always have. Nobody is paying attention to me outside of here. And in that I'm not really missing that much now am I? Except maybe life, liberty and pursuit of happiness. This isn't America is it? Guess I'm not missing out on much. <3 Tim

[justfortheswagot]

Since no one follows me on here and nobody really will see this here is a letter to my ex

I always thought of myself to be a strong person, i've been through hell and back, and still had a smile. I've lost too many people family, friends, pets, jobs and etc. but as of late I don't feel so strong. I've been slowly dying inside, I'm confused, torn down hardly ever go out in public anymore, don't socialize anymore, I've become a hermit. The only thing I have to live for is my supportive family. They are the only thing that has kept me going. I was tired of being a single significant other in a two person relationship. I'm tired of trying to hold someone accountable for their actions, or should say, empty promises. I'm tired of being told the grass is greener somewhere else, tired of crying, tired of anxiety, tired of during my relationship being threatened with you leaving, tired of being ignored emotionally, tired of being emotionally abused, tired of not being able to eat or sleep, tired of the stress, the headaches, tired of it all. It's been three weeks now. I thought that love would be enough. But it's not! Love is not enough, not for you. You were not capable of having someone love you. You insist on destroying everything good. You talk about how you're the whipping post. Think again! Look how I got treated. It was so easy for you to lash out at me, because I was there, and that's what you did, all the time. You don't think you got ugly but you did. You'll never see me again, you don't deserve to have me. To have me as family. To create a legacy. You made it so easy to dismiss keeping a child and you forced me into agreeing with killing it, You also killed me, the part of me that love to you and intern me that cared for you more than you know. I don't think he really understood you pull on me. Why would I have expected you to, to have my child to carry my name on. You were nasty woman. Sure you have a big heart and can be the most loving and caring person, but where has she gone. Where is the woman that took me away from West Valley, where I had a plan, where I was good being on my own. But as of late you were hateful, ugly, and are downright mean. Don't think you have been? How about all the times you said that there was no point of being with me and having your family and yourself post on social media about being a single mom when we were together, and making me feel like a whiny ass little bitch. Call me names all you want, believe my mental health out of this I know I have severe anxiety and panic disorder. So you can have the single mother life back, this is why you will never see me again. I have the single mother life back that you threw in my face often. Since you seem so happy being a stumbling hoe with kids. I have all the toxic girl party events that you want. You can do all that without me. I hope that you sit there and drown all the good memories and love away. No way, I hope you have to go to jail. So you have to be sober, so you have to remember, clearheaded, all that you lost. Why am I putting this in a letter you'll never see? Because it seems to be the only way you would potentially see it. Even though I will never talk to you again with or without a protective order that you got based on lies said about me especially making stuff up about what actually happened at Bear Lake and saying that I punched the door and tried to steal your car when I had my own I still had the Saturn at the time. Seem to piss you off when I would even have an idea of feeling, you know I really fell, and looking back all we did was coexist. I always felt like I missed you even when you were physically present with me because you made me feel isolated and small and alone. You're not so great a girl you're an asshole who deserves to be alone. So goodbye and good riddance, wish I hadn't wasted these last years with you. Hope I don't see you in hell oh and before I forget thanks for selling my car without my concern that "ruins your credit". Take your tax return from your neglected children and move back to California. So thanks for kissing me goodbye the night before all this happened that was the last one.