#i've been feeling more anxious in general this week :c

[conjuring-ghouls]

I had this supper weird dream last night. Someone had stabbed my chest, and it hit my lungs, so it was hard to breathe. It kept getting harder and harder to breathe until I just couldn't pull the air in. It got uncomfortable to the point of waking me up. The first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was my cat's FAT ASS sleeping on my chest. She looked very pleased while she squished my lungs LMAO

[happyandticklish]

I've Created a Monster

So, I took the, maybe ill-advised, plunge, and told the dude I've been seeing for the past three months that I'm into tickling

And it turned out fucking great, I still cannot believe my luck in this area

Apologies if I rant for a bit. I have been living out my dreams for the past couple of weeks and need to share it with someone (outside of a few people already in the community who I've already told) or I will explode. It gets a tad TMI at the end, so I put that bit under the cut for people's comfort. So beware of that in advance

So a bit of background. I had been seeing this dude for about a month and a half when we got on the subject of kinks. At first just kind of generally discussing them, and eventually getting into what we're into. And I admitted that I had one that was a bit weird, not only because it was unorthodox, but also because I had a huge amount of trouble actually saying what it was, which of course spiked his curiosity. But he was really chill about it and didn't push, but there kept being tickly moments that kept popping up naturally in the relationship, none of which were lasting longer than a couple seconds. As such, mostly out of frustration at the brevity of these moments, I mustered up the courage at 3am to finally confess.

He was quiet for a bit and mostly just held me (I think because I definitely looked as anxious as I felt--I also have to give him props for having patience during the three fucking minutes it took me to confess because I was working up the courage to simply say the Word). Then he started asking me how long I'd known that I was into it, why I was into it, what appealed to me about tickling, things along that line, all of which I stumbled my way through answering. He then proceeded to inform me that he didn't think I was weird, or that liking tickling was weird, and that he had been expecting much worse and thought it was kind of cute.

After that, tickling started cropping up more in the relationship. It took a while to explain that I was totally okay with more intense tickling and that me squirming away and sometimes asking him to stop were reflexes that should be ignored (it was somewhat endearing how he would immediatelly stop to make sure I was good, if somewhat frustrating sometimes), but he eventually got it. He even briefly pinned me down once, a move he has yet to repeat, but eventually I will get up the courage to ask him to.

I had told him that I was into both doing and receiving the tickling, but also that he was under no pressure to get tickled if he didn't want to. But after a while we were cuddling when he said, quote, "I think I'm actually into this tickling thing. It feels kind of nice whenever you do it to me, and I do love how much it gets to you." And then gave me permission to tickle him, which was way more than I was hoping for

Although he is able to control his reactions and just stay still for it which is baffling to me ("well if I moved, it would stop happening??" yeah?? I know?? But most people can't do that shit 🤨)

Guys. He started looking into tools and shit. This man is researching into the community. Came to me all excited like a dork, talking about feathers and toothbrushes and the fucking Wartenberg Wheel and how he thinks that he'd may be be down to include bondage with tickling stuff (which I'd mentioned I'd be into before). He was all, "I also discovered that some people are into tickle torture, isn't that wild?" Meanwhile I'm over here like, "yeah, it is wild, isn't it, imagine that haha"

He's suggested safe words on his own too, worked out boundaries,,,,

Anyways. He's embraced this way more than I can image and I am living the dream

TMI under cut! Avert your eyes if shmexy things make you uncomfy!

He's also started tickling me while we fuck (and sometimes when he goes down on me) and my fellow people of tumblr. It makes everything so insanely intense. I have had to be like, "babe, I love this, this is great, but I cannot concentrate on any coherent goal if you keep this up".

Also definitely discovered that my ass is ticklish during this process and it is a fact that he will not let go. Not that I am complaining 😏

[meatriarch]

mkay did a few things to kinda ease up and make here breathable for me again so,

-- went thru my follow / follower lists and downsized both ( whether from inactivity, sporadic activity, or just zero interest made etc ). anyones additional blogs im following, though, ya'll are still gucci even if its been like a year since yall were active there lmao

-- i downsized drafts by a few but its still at a demented like 36 or so

-- also downsized the inbox from being like 84+ again all the way down to 14 ( which are the kissie prompts, a couple special prompts, & then some prompts from mutuals i havent yet directly interacted with ). everything that wasnt deleted i have in a g.doc saved to go back to once the drafts i do have started / with notes in rn actually get done. that way for me its not like.... looking at the numbers on both the inbox / draft sides looming in the distance and getting anxious & overwhelmed by seeing them everyday im not writing lmao

i do, also, think im going to gently switch things and say that i do prefer some plotting / talks / etc to be done before ill reply to anything. just so i have a better understanding of anyones' muses, how they feel working alongside mine, what potential dynamics can be like, etc. so that actually sitting down and drafting a reply, whether for a thread or an inbox treat, runs generally smoother and im not second-guessing things etc - just overall makes it easier to work with; doesnt necessarily have to be deep-dives or anything like that but some back and forths help alot! which, ofc, that will push me to also keep track of things better and reach out more too ( im a quiet bitch esp in recent weeks im sorry- )

but i Am going to be focusing on those kissie / cutesy prompts for a bit bc the brain hasnt been being all that kind lately and i think i need to suffocate it with some icky cute things so-

with the inbox being mostly cleared though? i do welcome anyone to poke around my prompts tag if you'd like to send anything - especially if we haven't interacted yet, especially if its been a hot minute, i've pawed at your windows to ask for more, etc ♡ i also welcome anyone not on there yet to add me on disc ( meatriarch ) as i Dont like using tumbys ims and to poke me always about yapping about the characters c:

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #259

Today I talked to my therapist about maybe trying to help me develop some skills when it comes to dealing with uncertainty. And there's a number of reasons for this. First and foremost, there's… ya know… the whole situation with you, and not knowing what's gonna happen. I can hope for good things, for sure, but… there are no guarantees. Second, with the combination of autism and C-PTSD, whenever there's any kind of uncertainty, my brain feels like it's on fire. The autism in general doesn't like it. Then there's the C-PTSD, which likes to make me think that I'm about to get my ass beat anytime anything isn't written in stone.

…There are a lot of reasons for that last sentence, there. I've got 22 years of experience with the adults in my world taking it out on me anytime anything didn't go perfectly their way. Always, always, fucken always, they'd find an excuse to make it my fault, and therefore my problem. Nowadays, I really dislike surprises, it's hard for me to withstand being in a state of anticipation for any appreciable length of time, and I really despise being caught unawares; these things all give me the heebie-jeebies something fierce, lemme tell ya!

...But. The unfortunate fact of the matter is that uncertainty, much like change and pain, is one of the only constants in life. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Not even very basic things, like food, shelter, or even the love of your parents is guaranteed in my world. I'm sure that you also know some of these things firsthand.

So if uncertainty is a permanent concept, then I'm going to need to adapt, and the best way to adapt is to learn new skills and to build one's resilience. At this time, I don't really know how to cope with uncertainty; no one ever taught me. And in fact, most of my life, the adults in my world found excuses to hurt me whenever they felt anxious or uncertain, so... ya know. I've got a pretty fearful relationship with it at this point. So far, I've coped with it by trying to be hypervigilant all the damn time, kinda like this:

...And that's really not sustainable, holy shit.

...I think, probably, that fear of uncertainty has had a lot to do with the funk I've been in for the last... since Otakon... I think? So like 5 weeks? Just... a bunch of stuff that brings to mind the inherent uncertainty of the permanence of relationships in my life - J could die from a crash while doing airplanes. M could get in a car accident. Or... someone could just up and decide to leave, which is a fair and good thing to do, but goodness, it still hurts. There's also the uncertainty around whether or not anything I try to do will work out, and the uncertainty about whether or not anything I make will turn out well.

...And of course, there's the uncertainty about whether or not you'll be safe. And then there's the uncertainty about whether or not anything I've tried to do for you has helped you at all. These two in particular are incredibly heavy, for a variety of compelling reasons that I don't think anyone would understand if I tried to explain, so... I'm not gonna bother. I wrote it all down in the letters I left with those very important people in any case, so... there's that.

So next week, now that we're at the root of this funk I've been in, we're gonna go over some strategies to cope with it. It'll be good.

Feeling relieved, I took pictures like I meant it for the first time in a while now. I think maybe you'll like some of these; I certainly do:

...Shortly after I got home, I decided that the thing to do was take a walk. We have a trailhead that's only about a ten minute walk from my house. J decided to accompany me. I took more pictures:

...The wild grapes are bearing fruit, too; I guess it means I had better plan on going to the nearby orchards to get some concord grapes...

...J got some photos for you, too; his camera is a lot better than mine, because his phone is newer:

...I want you to know that there are people here thinking kindly about you. And yes, even when, like me, they're in a weird funk. I wanted you to know it. Your situation is difficult, but it's not hopeless. Nothing is ever hopeless if you just hold on a little longer. Even if you don't want to continue, just keep breathing a little longer, okay? Things get better if you work towards brighter horizons. You can do it; all you have to do is take the hands outstretched to you, no matter how distant they seem.

...I should know. And you should also know, because, unwittingly, you taught it to me. You gave me a reason to continue even when I thought I couldn't go on - even though I had a plan in place to make a permanent exit, all those years ago. And I'm still here; I rarely think of making a permanent exit anymore. Sephiroth, I'm still here, and that's because of you. And all the beauty that pours from my hands, from my mind, from my camera lens... all this resilience I have, this gentleness that I choose to carry despite everything that tried to break me... can you see that these things only exist because you do? Do you see the way your presence colors literally everything I do in such dazzling, kaleidoscopic hues?

...I love you. Please stay safe out there. I'll write again tomorrow, as I always do.

Your friend, Lumine

[zukkacore]

⭐️ something you're so proud of that you wanted us to notice but we haven't yet bc !!! it's all so good and we are Sick in the Head

mmmm.... I think while I'm here I'm gonna expose myself for the derivative hack i am and go thru all the stuff that are nods to other things I like! & maybe explain a little if i feel the need to flap my arms excitedly about it. PART 2 | PART 3

"it's you" "its me" - the opening. Obviously hadestown! Obviously it's the thing they say each other when Orpheus rescues Eurydice from the underworld, so is that not similar to healing someone from being dropped lol

This is such a strange pull, but when Jace says "He feels so… small. Like he’s getting the silent treatment from a disappointed parent. Maybe that’s why Porter always felt so familiar to him" I was actually thinking abt bojack horseman. Diane comes from a home full of dysfunction & for some reason I can't get the time she told him "you're the biggest asshole I know and the only thing that makes sense to me" out of my head.

"maybe it was nothing, but he swears he could feel the warmth of a hearth, and her reaching out for him once more" — Kinda a stretch but this was meant to evoke a Hadestown kinda feeling as well. Obviously b/c Ankarna is rage n the sun and the infernal realm is full of the fire motif i wanted to use a hearth b/c there's a more positive connotation w/ fire but. Just the general vibe of "I want a nice soft place to land, I wanna lie down forever". A big point of Jace's resentment at his situation is rage at being denied life but even rest.

The Motivational Poster: PAIN IS WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY n "Instead, an unwilling shriek of a laugh erupts from his throat, and Jace clamps down on his own mouth in horror." that leads into “Incredible,” says Porter, watching in bemusement as Jace tries to fight back tears and laughter brought on by shock. There’s a shooting pain in his sides, he’s shaking so hard. The poster is just so ugly, and he’s so fucked, and he’s in so much pain. - This is such a weird pull. Obviously the poster is meant to be silly and ironic, but i'm skating past that. Actually, I was thinking abt Brennan's story abt the car crash he experienced from Dirty Laundry. He tells his story abt how the car trenched a crater and came just shy of a woodchuck hole and he went to rescue his milano cookies from the car and he was like. Laughing from the shock of it all. I think this idea of laughing out of shock & like amazement n reconciling your own mortality was just very true and striking. Like to me that's kinda what is going on here to me. It's like. Jace is laughing bc the poster is so ugly bc also b/c its like. Wow im so screwed over im so fucked i'm so painfully mortal and my grasp on life is so tenuous and my mortality as a half elf was always something i was aware of and anxious of and feared and avoided looking directly at but in this moment there's a weird. Power in it. A relief in it. An I've always been afraid of death, in fact i'm so afraid of death I chose servitude (and porter) over hell, but he's realizing his power in this situation. He's always viewed himself as dispensable but Porter doesn't need any old spellcaster for the plan, he wants it to be jace.

THE CREASE BETWEEN JACE'S EYEBROWS: “I’ve never seen you so thrilled at your own mortality. I said last week you had a crease between your eyebrows and the next day you called in sick.” and “The line. Between your brows. Right… there. It—“ and “It… used to only show up when you were angry with me, but—” and the times Porter brings up in the flashback. Obviously this thing makes an appearance several times. I feel like this one is maybe a little on the nose, this is When Harry Met Sally. There's something about the intimacy of noticing small details about people that i love in Harry's final speech to sally. something like "I love the little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like i'm nuts!" And it keeps coming back b/c like. Its intimacy. Of noticing the details of someone. But also. The reminder of aging. It used to only show up when he was angry—angry with Porter. Again, that concept of anger, of rage. But also, it's sort of just become on of Jace's wrinkles on his face. Due to stress or aging, could be both. Porter's impact on him. But also. That's just the nature of change. That's just the reminder of Jace's mortality.

"He tries to recall anger, but he’s found it completely dissolved. Even with the shatterstar, it’s impossible." This is also When Harry Met Sally. When Harry gives Sally his big speech, she says "You see, harry? That is just like you, Harry. You say these things and you make it impossible for me to hate. you! And I hate you harry. I really hate you". This was kinda my take on that. Porter keeping piling on the compliments about Jace's appearance, but there's also this noticing of something kinda intimate and personal and imperfect, too. Doing something offbeat that throws jace (and being thrown offcenter being kinda like a whole Trope for jaceporter bc their first interaction being jace saying "everything you say is creepy"). And for someone who clings to the pass, he sure keeps mentioning this sign of Jace's mortality. Sign of his aging. Something about Sally saying she hated harry really just fit here b/c like. Porter is a centerpiece for rage and betrayal for Jace. His whole Thing is rage, and there's that betrayal of y'know. Being killed and brought back wrong by your situationship. Yet there's this strange and intimate acknowledgement of his impermanence and aging that like. Kinda moves jace. (There's also the fact that he's letting go some of his anxiety about aging n death in this fic b/c he's trying to reclaim his power by essentially using his mortality as like. A tool to protect himself from Porter). There's also the tragic fatalistic "I was made to love you" angle that is kinda the undercurrent in this fic. Like. Jace wants to be angry with Porter. But even though he has literally been contorted into a being who like. Runs on rage. In this moment, he cannot find his anger.

"He needs to do something stupid. Again, it’s in his nature. His bones ache down to the marrow for him to cave to impulses that will ruin his whole life. He can see the car crash, but he knows what he’s going to do. He’s known from the minute he Dimension Doored them into Porter’s office." This is such a Fleabag moment lol. There's a scene where she's telling her therapist that she wants to fuck a priest (which is already like SO Jaceporter coded b/c the therapist is like "do you want to fuck a priest or do you want to fuck god" and she says "can you fuck god?" "oh, yes" which like. IS ALSO EXTREMELY RELEVANT TO WHATS GOING ON IN IYWD b/c its just like does Jace love Porter as a man or as his creator? Does he want someone he could do laundry and taxes with or does he want someone to Tell Him What To DO. On some level Jace loves Porter as he is but also there's so much talk later on of Jace essentially wanting to be possessed and yanked around by him and told what to do etc etc). Anyway. she's begging the therapist to tell her what to do and the therapist is like. "You already know what you're going to do. Everybody does. You've already decided." Anyway. I had such a hard time trying to find a Reason for Porter and Jace to just like. Want to sleep with each other and take that step. But I. Realized that Jace has. Ankarna in him and she has shaped so much of how he has become post-shatterstar. Every moment of conviction and decisiveness and seizing of the moment is like. That becomes a Statement. That's all an invocation of Ankarna. He always knew he was going to return to Porter, to try and sleep with him because he has all of ankarna's conviction. And that could be contrived but I think that actually matters so much when the story is about how trauma has changed Jace, but also how being remade has changed jace and how he feels alienated from who he used to be. And again, there's the undercurrent of fatalism b/c he was made to love Porter. This was always going to happen

[aceontheline]

Love is in Bloom (Mass x Florida: Pt 11)

C//W: Brief Violence mention, Choking

A few weeks have passed. New York, Mass, and Florida have been going out for a bit now and are incredibly happy together.

New York was preparing for his Fashion Week. Everything seemed intense, with him staying up for hours creating some flawless looking ensembles to show off. He was immensely proud of them all, preparing to head to the venue two days prior. He checked into a hotel and made any last second alterations to them before putting them in the closet of the room and calling it a night. York was bored, so he browsed on social media for a while, getting a kick out of his Instagram feed.

Before he knew it, it was the day. New York ran the outfits down with him and to the event. The model was to try on the clothes and the judges would make comments on their comment cards. York was incredibly nervous, but dressed the model well enough and did her makeup as well. By the time his model was down to her last outfit, she hugged him, thanking him immensely for putting her in such nice looking clothes. York smiled confidently, hugging her back. "You're welcome. You've been killing it out there so far. Really WOW 'em" York commanded playfully, and she did just that.

New York got through all that anxiety riddled experience and immediately waited for the comment cards to come his way... To very bad results.

"This is some of the... Ugliest clothing I've ever seen", "Belongs in Walmart, not in high fashion", "Who is the designer? A blind man?", "Colors were VERY off, and that's the nicest thing I can say"...

New York read through several more and felt himself getting sick. His vision was blurry and he felt like he was going to pass out. Or... Cry. Shit. He needed to get back home immediately. He rushed back to his hotel room instead of sticking around and gathered all his things. York managed to teleport his way out of the hotel after checking out. He got back home and saw everyone talking, eating dinner, or just hanging out in the general area. York didn't feel like burdening anyone with his overly anxious presence, so he just ran off to his room and slammed the door behind him. He slowed his breathing and distracted himself momentarily.

Until Mass appeared. He knocked on the door gently a couple of times, genuinely wanting to know if his boyfriend was okay. New York opened the door slowly and looked at Mass in a confused manner, asking him what he wanted. Mass reiterated that York stormed off to his room and slammed the door, not speaking a word to anyone. York sighed and pulled Mass into his room, shutting the door.

New York slammed the comment cards down onto his desk, asking Mass to read them. Mass rifled through the cards, getting progressively angrier and angrier with each one. Mass slammed down the last one, sighing heavily and trying not to scream.

"Those idiots wouldn't know fashion if it hit them over the fuckin' head. I saw those outfits and they looked GREAT. Everyone just wants minimalistic shit now, super boring and not bothering to try anything new" Mass commented. York nodded his head, laughing a bit. A familiar sound was heard... Laughing. From the Southern state.

"Wussy boy is cryin' over FASHION? You gotta be kiddin' me. And here I thought New York was a hard ass type" Texas said through laughter. New York looked like he was about to cry once more. Mass bore his fangs and growled.

"Shut. The FUCK. UP, TEXAS. No one asked for your shitty input!" Mass screamed, shoving Texas out of the way.

Texas punched the wall next to Mass's head, asking him if he REALLY wanted to start a fight. New York was crying now, pulling Mass away from Texas. York looked at Texas with his tear filled eyes and punched him as hard as he could in the stomach. Texas cringed in pain, leaning against the wall for a few moments, trying to regain his breath. York grabbed his bat and stuck it under Texas's chin, looking at him with tears still fresh in his eyes, but a crazy looking smile. "I will not fuckin' hesitate to break your face" New York said in between sniffles. Texas immediately backed away and apologized hastily for upsetting New York, soon running away.

Mass closed the door and looked at York with a concerned expression. Without a word, he toppled York and himself over onto the bed and hugged him tightly. York continued to cry as Mass encouraged him to do so, cuddled up into his chest. Mass pet his fingers through York's soft hair, trying to relax him with some idle humming. Suddenly, another familiar face.

The sunshine state peeked through the door, asking if he could come in. York nodded, still crying into Mass's chest. Confused as to why York was crying, Florida asked them. Then he saw the comment cards sprawled out and... York's outfits cut up and destroyed. Florida jumped on the bed next to York, petting his back.

"Those guys are dumb. Most critics are, and that's why I don't listen to them" Florida commented.

"Heh... I-Is that why ya don't listen to G-Gov all that much?" New York joked, making the two laugh.

"Well Gov is just boring. Those so called 'high fashion' snobs are all dumb & have no clue what they actually want, even if it was staring them in the face" Florida stated.

New York chuckled, wiping his tears away. He looked up at Mass and Florida, who were giving him goofy smiles to cheer him up, and it worked. York giggled, cuddling up to Mass's chest once more. Florida did as well, leaving all three of them in a small cuddle pile. All three of them stayed like that for a while, before Florida dragged New York to his room. Florida, once they arrived, showed New York the failed fashion outfits that he tried submitting. "Apparently, these all sucked too so... Don't feel bad" Florida said.

New York looked at Florida's own designs. "These are awesome. So yeah, you're right about what you said" York replied with a smirk. Florida hugged York, thanking him. The two of them cuddled and talked for a little longer, with Florida nuzzling deeply into York's chest. He smiled softly as he felt York's breaths lessen in intensity and his heart rate relaxing a bit. He looked down to see Florida's familiar, scrunched up and cute looking smile. York kissed Florida's forehead and stroked through his hair.

"You're too damn precious, Sunshine" York said.

"You're not so bad yourself there, Doll" Florida replied.

York smiled and playfully hit Florida on the arm. The two laughed for a brief moment, before staring into each other's eyes. Then, the two got close together and kissed each other softly. Then again with more passion. Before they knew it, New York was on top of Florida... And he had an idea.

York put his hand over Florida's throat in a gentle manner, then squeezed a bit. It wasn't enough to choke Florida, but enough to send him into a wave of "Holy shit" type of ecstasy. Florida's knees became weak as he shook under York's structure. He moaned softly, asking York to choke him a little. York complied, his grip firming up a bit more. Florida moaned again, soon tapping York's hand. York let go of Florida's throat, as he gazed into the mesmerized eyes of his lover.

Florida remarked at how amazing that felt, but he felt like it was still too soon for them to try anything like that. York apologized instantly and quite frequently, as he didn't want to come off as "that guy". Florida chuckled, kissing the man to silence him.

"It's okay. Just don't do that again until I tell you. Okay?" Florida asked, smiling.

"Got it" York replied.

The two continued to cuddle for a while instead, then slowly fell asleep in each other's arms.

Previous: ( Here ) ; Next ( Here )

Masterpost: ( Here )

[xiaq]

Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).

[luna-redamancy]

Hello I hope you're doing well! I saw your requests were open so here I am. I just got home from a 3 week trip and I think all the exhaustion just fell on me so I feel sick. Plus my parents are still on vacation so I am currently alone. Anyways I'm telling you all that to ask a comfort fic or headcannons with Frodo taking care of you in that circumstance (or just with the reader being sick in general)

Thank you in advance, love your work!

Hello! I am doing okay, not the best but I've been worse for sure! I'm so sorry that you fell sick, my body does that to me too when I'm too anxious or stressed. Its kind of like the body says: "well if you aren't going to take care of me then I'll make you."

Anywho, I hope you enjoy it and thank you for reading!

Frodo hadn’t seen you all morning. Usually, he’d first see you on his way to the market. You’d just be leaving your hobbit hole yourself, basket on one arm, hat over your head to avoid the sun warming your skin too much, and a parchment paper in the other with a detailed list. How many tomatoes you needed, for each recipe, how many sprigs of thyme or rosemary, he knew by heart that on Tuesdays is when you seemed to run out of cream and on Friday is when you ran out of carrots. 

But today, you never came out. 

At first, he stumbled, shutting his mouth. You see, it was practically his nature now to say good morning to you and ask to join you in your adventure to the market, helping you get good deals whenever he knew that Farmer Bloomson was trying to pull one over on you by trying to get you to buy three tomatoes for a copper coin when just earlier he heard that your neighbor Mrs. Foust got six for a copper coin. 

So, whenever he first approached, he nearly spoke to the wood of your house. Tilting his head, Frodo waited a few moments, reaching into his pocket to check his watch before pushing it back into his waistcoat. 

You were late. You were never late. 

Frodo sighed through his nose, looking at your gated garden one more time before disappearing down the path, checking over his shoulder every time he heard a door open, thinking you were to come down with your big hat and your basket like usual. 

“No (Y/n) today?” Farmer Bloomson questioned, to which Frodo didn’t even reply with words; simply nodding in agreement as he bought a fresh fish and two lemons. It was Sunday, the day you’d run out of tomatoes. 

Eyeing them, Frodo sighed through his nose and shook his head. 

“Just these two,  please,” He pointed out the lemons he wanted, the fish already wrapped and in his own basket. 

Bloomson motioned for Frodo to hand him his basket, to which Frodo confusedly agreed, passing the wicker item to the older man who began to put much more than lemons in his basket. Tomatoes, potatoes, two long carrots, and two onions. 

“They haven’t been here since Thursday morning,” Bloomson said almost as if he was speaking to himself. “And even then, they didn’t look so good,” Bloomson looked up to Frodo before handing him the basket. 

“It would be nice for someone to check to make sure they’re okay,” Bloomson hinted as he only took one of the four copper pieces Frodo fished out to hand to him for all the produce. 

Nodding, Frodo gave a polite smile as he adjusted the weight of the basket onto his hip. 

“Have a great day, Farmer Bloomson,” Frodo waved, eager to go knock on your door to see what was wrong. 

“You as well, Mr. Frodo.” His reply went unnoticed as Frodo bounded up the path. 

As Frodo approached your door, he peeked through the window. No candles burning, no sight of you in your kitchen. No kettle on, nothing. 

Carefully knocking, Frodo stepped back, waiting for you to come open the door. 

One second. 

Two seconds. 

Three seconds. 

Four. 

Fi-

Frodo only waited a solid four and a half seconds before he knocked again, slightly harder against the (f/c) painted wood. Concern washed over him as you didn’t answer his second knock, leaning his ear against the door. Instead of hearing feet shuffling like how he expected if one was approaching, he heard coughing. 

Knowing where you kept an emergency copy of your key, he unlocked your door, entering the home and carefully clicking shut the door behind him. Fixing the lock back in place he put your emergency key on the entryway table before setting the basket on the floor. 

“W-Who’s there?!” Your voice sounded panicked before you erupted into another coughing fit. You had choked on your water, the liquid going down the wrong pipe. 

“It’s just me! Frodo!” He called out from the doorway, unsure if he should come closer. 

What if you were indecent? That was all he could think of as he stood awkwardly before he heard the familiar sound of footsteps shuffling across the floor. 

Emerging from the back room, you cleared your throat of the last bit of liquid. “What’re you doing here, Frodo?” You asked, making him look up. 

You were beautiful, as always,  but you looked so tired. Your eyes had bags beneath them and your skin was sickly, your breathing almost labored from just the short walk from your bed to the hallway. 

“No one had seen you since Thursday,” Frodo explained, making you nod. “I was worried and recalled where you put your key-”

“I’m fine, Frodo, I apologize for making you wor-”

“Are you, though?” His voice halted your words, your body freezing as he combatted your urge to push away your struggles like they were nothing. 

“You don’t seem fine,” Frodo tried again, more gentle than before as he approached. 

“You seem exhausted, physically and mentally,” He wasn’t a fool, he saw how over the weeks you seemed less and less cheerful, plastering on a fake smile, and when you thought no one was looking it fell into almost a frown as your head swam with thoughts you didn’t want anyone else to know existed. 

“I know it’s not my place,” Frodo looked towards the basket, “But I’d like to help you feel better if you’d let me?”

You could feel your eyes begin to sting with tears as Frodo acknowledged how exhausted you were, and how sickly you did feel from everything you were dealing with. 

“I’d like that,” Your voice came out smaller than intended, but Frodo heard you nonetheless, giving you a grin. 

“My Uncle Frodo taught me a great soup once, he said it healed the soul,” Frodo lightened the mood as he picked up the basket and began to enter your kitchen. 

“You sit down and rest, it will be ready soon.” 

Forever Tag:

@lady-of-lies @all-things-fandomstuck @fizzyxcustard @izzydaelleth @aquaangel18 @raindancer2004 @love-colorfulglittercollection @ladylouoflothlorien @ten-tenya-iida @legolaslovely @bthtallmadge2 @abesottedlass @wilhelmyna @tigereyesf @aspookybunny @keijibum @moony-artnstuff @sirkekselord @guardianofrivendell @fluffymadamina @izbelross @fandomhoe101 @acahope311 @kitkatd7 @mooseetx @themerriweathermage @elvish-sky @bitter-sweet-farmgirl @laurfilijames @frequentlychangingfandoms @cameronsails @linasofia @starryeyedrogue @shethereadinghobbit @beenovel @onlystarshere @fckmini @spidergirla5 @i-did-not-mean-to @lathalea @myselfandfantasy @strange-old-worlds @otakumultimuse-hiddlewhore @broken-ghost @mbruben-stein @tschrist1 @hai-kbai

Frodo: None currently

[cynicalrecoverysociety]

Journal Post

I'm trying to get back into my normal this week. Starting today. I've been in a bit of a slump for like at least 6 weeks now and my uncle dying/partner's birthday gave me an opportunity to really let myself go. I'm not mad at myself or disappointed, but I think it's time to be honest at least. It's okay when tragedy knocks you down but this was more than that. I had been struggling with my mental health a bit and while I figured out some stuff I really stopped talking care of my body and spirit. And I know for a fact that taking care of myself in the other ways helps my mental health. But I was just so exhausted by the battle in my head I completely gave up on everything else.

Again, I don't regret this decision. It was what I needed at the time. But it is time to analyze the situation and make a plan to get back the habits that kept me in a better place. I'm . . . not really looking forward to it but this past week of true decadence has really taught me that that doesn't solve any problems. I am glad I took time off work but all the soda and candy and whatnot I used all week did nothing but give me a tummy ache. It wasn't even that good. I ate out constantly, drank fun drinks, but turns out that once you start deconstructing your emotional eating it is no longer effective at controlling your emotions. Weird. Unfortunate sometimes. But probably for the best.

Anyway. My body feels like garbage and my mind feels off somehow. There aren't words associated with anything I'm feeling really. Just a general kind of funk. Like I'm easily angered by covidiots and similar, reality is in general depressing. I really can't tell how much of this I can work through and how much I have to sit with forever because of how society fundamentally works and I have no ability to change it or opt out. And deciphering how much depression and anxiety I am required to have because of the amount I have to participate in society is a depressing concept in itself. Is it healthy to embrace that we live in a boring dystopia and learn to adapt? Or is it healthy to be positive about the trajectory of society and hope for the best? Does is even make a difference if all I can do in either situation is vote? I can't tell anymore. Optimism and a positive mental attitude are important, but so is accepting the reality of things out of your control. Perhaps it's a balance. Perhaps we do currently live in a capitalist hellscape that is destroying everyone and everything from the inside out and also maintain that it doesn't always have to be like this. I'm quite tired of trying to figure everything out.

I am tired. Bone tired. I know that if I give up this fight now I will not be walking away, just giving it to future me. A future me that will not be any better equipped to handle it. Rest is not making me less tired. Giving up did not make me less tired. I think the only way out is through. But I'm just tired.

I don't feel okay. I might not for a while. But at the very least I have to get some of my habits back and see if it helps. If all the "you are worthy of rest" philosophy isn't working maybe the "work hard even if you cry a lot" one will work.

Okay. Goals. I want to go whole hog. But let's just start small this week.

Fasting, 6 days a week. Start using Zero again at least for now to track.

No eating out. I was doing great at this, ordered in a lot since the death, but getting this back on track isn't that hard

Go to work every day. If I'm legit sick that's fine but try not to take any more mental health days because they actually just make me really anxious and guilty 99% of the time. Better to feel like shit on the clock anyway.

Track water and get at least 3 bottles a day. If I get the gumption to track meals a well all the better.

I'm stopping there. I really want to add more like doing yoga or something but I'm adding those to next week. As a bonus point, if I can manage to go for a walk and do some spiritual stuff, that's great. If I can just manage this, I'm doing better than I was. It's a start.

[timextoxhajima]

NOO i swear you're not taking any of my time huhu i love talking to you😭😭 tbh i usually have time at nights but i'd rather use them to sleep or watch some tbz content bc my a test every 3 weeks schedule is still going but i have a lot more to do now so i'd usually spent the first 1 weeks with taking as much rests as i can 🥲

and no worries ur not making me feel pressured to reveal myself!!!! im just saying this bc i really wanna be friends w u,, but if i ever leave tumblr then i WILL OFC I WILL TELL U

hehehe yea i love trying new hobbies no matter how bad i may be at them just to find the feeling of joy when i feel like im truly enjoying them, and with writing even when what i write has nothing to do with my thoughts it really help in keeping my minds busy instead of drifting away into bad thoughts🥲🥲 i do video editing too sometimes, photography, but its kinda hard thanks to the pandemic so yeah,,, editing sunwoo video it is for me😭😂 i hope you found ur getaway too!!! or did u already?

I C THE NEW ENHYPEN POST OMG IVE BEEN SEEING THEM A LOT LIKE A WHOLE LOT EVERYWHERE not to mention im also a shawol so i know that ni-ki was one of the shinee kid?? in shinee's japanese concert😭😂 but i havent found the time to know abt the other members yet so--

ANW I RLLY LOVE THAT FOR UU its good that you're getting a lot more comfortable❤️ so does that mean you are currently on a holiday? yea coming back to uni really sucks sometimes i hated it a lot too but these days i've gotten a lot closer to my friends and i miss them so much now that we havent seen each other for months🥲

i'm pretty good! all the preparation has been kinda a lot and my research supervisor has been kinda laterep lately which is making me super anxious most of the time bc i really need to get everything done by august😭😭 but yeah writing has helped me A LOT in shifting my thoughts and making me feel better, i hope i am taking care of myself enough

how about you dana? are you taking care of yourself ? - 🍋🍋

omg just sleep LMAO just fkin sleep it's fine tumblr isn't worth your physical health HAHAHAHHAHA yeah your 3-week test schedule sounds disgustang fam idk how you do it so props to you

omg... tbh photography is a great way to ?? learn about life?? does that make sense lol i started photography in 2013 and now i've shifted more into filming, writing and editing so it was a very nice shift and transition for me. i guess my getaway definitely includes writing fics, i'm on a video production intern right now too so i get to shoot in studios and edit the footage later on. i was supposed to go on a chill photoshoot with a friend but covid said fuck you LMAO but i might get paid to help my freshies do their committee photoshoot at the end of the year so that'll be a blast. i love brainstorming themes for photoshoots and like templating designs - i think i'm an all-rounded creative person, as in into creatives [not boasting about... my creativity] but i definitely love the freedom in expression and i'm starting to realise that i'm picking up every single medium i could possibly utilise to exploit this freedom of expression thing: writing, dancing, filming, photography, creative designs, you name it LOL

yes niki was a shawol!! he went for a tokyo dome concert of shinee's and key hugged him while he cried LMAO he said it was like 2014 or smth which meant that niki was fucken... 9... stanning enha has been a JOURNEY for me because all this while i've been stanning groups that are generally older than me. even with skz jeongin i began to feel a tad awkward because he's younger, and with txt i basically couldn't whole-heartedly stan them because 3/5 of them are younger than me... then you have enha whose maknae is younger than my sister?! like... fam... how... why... am i that old now... omg

yeah i am on holiday! my sem ended in late april and since then i've been pretty much rotting at home, handling my intern projects, writing, learning some choreos for more covers and sobbing over kdramas owo the tissues wasted LMAO i love this break for myself honestly cause the sem was such a shitshow and i lost a friend or two over some nonsense and i had conflict with a couple of others too so while i do miss their nonsense, i really need the time away from these idiots who act like 5 year olds sometimes

omg i hope your supervisor knows not to pressure you too much, like work-life balance is a thing there right... >.>

i'm so happy you're writing that shit out. back before i began to write i felt so suffocated and i can't imagine my life if i didn't go into writing so i'm glad you found this portal to escape, even if it is for a moment!

i'm taking of myself... by keeping myself at home LMAO i haven't seen friends for like... weeks now, which is pretty surprising given the circumstances, because we're not on lockdown and you can still go out in pairs and i've had friends trying to get me out of the house to hang but i'm... so lazy... and frankly just uninterested in a social life now. idk how i shd feel about that, it's like the introvert rlly hopped the fuck out after i spent majority of the past sem acting like an extrovert.

if you consider sleeping at 4am every night taking care of myself then HEY i guess im fit as a pickle HAHAHAHHAHAHAH

[delightfulclouddreamer]

Why you are the one always beaten up?

TCW!Obi Wan Kenobi x Lover!Reader

Synopsys: You are a Jedi master and a General, but you and Obi wan have been together for quite some time, even before the war started. You two love each other, but every time he goes on a mission with Anakin he ends up beaten up, this time, not only on the outside; something has broken on the inside too.

Silence,

there were no sounds, no noises, no blasters, no yells, no death.

Peace,

everything was so calm.

The only moment of peace you could have was during a meditation's session, it helped you to think, to reconnect to the Force and to calm your emotions and your preoccupations; since the beginning of the war a dark aure followed your thoughts, the dark side was rising, everyone at the Temple could sense it, but no one could fear it, at least no one was supposed to. Meditating was something your master made you love, you were more of a combat person, but he made you see the real meaning of it, connecting, feeling.

You were worried, anxious, just like each time he goes on a mission like this, your heart ached at the thought of what could've happened to him, they, he was supposed to be back four days ago.

Obi wan was never on time when in a mission of that kind, he had the custom to return later than considered. Worries followed you around, trying to hit your strength and blind your mind, but you were stronger, right? Alone, never. But you had the Force with you, so you were going to fight the constant anxiety that never left you by meditation.

"Magistra Y/N?" a voice called out for you, still meditating, eyes closed and legs crossed you reply: "Yes, Young one? What's the nature of your visit?", you sensed something, a presence not seen for long, one much longed.

it was a second, but the silence that the young boy left felt like years, even centuries.

"Master Skywalker and Master Kenobi have returned from their mission" He said, with a light voice.

Your heart dropped, your eyes shot open, holding yourself, containing the wave of emotions, the urge to run, to reach them and to feel him again, after weeks of abstinence, after weeks of silence. His voice, like honey dripping from his mouth, his deep blue eyes, that made you drown, his touch, so light and kind, yet so meaningful,so loving, his lips, always sweet and soft. You missed him, all the emotins you were not supposed to feed, in a moment rushed through you keaving behind eagerness, impatience.

Breath,

you need to think, to stay calm, those emotions will lead you nowhere.

"Young one, where are they?" you asked, now standing up, leading the boy outside of the gardens, "they are in the medical center, Master windu and Master Yoda asked me to tell you to go there", again an uneasy feeling hit you, taking away a bit of hope each time, leaving fear behind.

"Thank you, now if you'll excuse I'll go" you said saluting the boy. As your feet walked toward the medical Area, your mind was troubled nd your heart was pained. You needed calm, you needed assurance that what you feared wasn't true, but you were a Jedi and you knew your feelings.

The walk was anything but short or peaceful, but as you arrived where you were needed, there ws no one in sight, "Magistra Y/N" Anakin call you, you turned your head scanning him to see if he was wounded, but he was fine, as Ashoka was.

That meant one and only one thing.

"Hello Anakin, Ashoka, how did the mission go?" you asked, covering your emotions with a thick layer of calm and peace. "LEt's say it ended, we're heading to the council, we need to report, why are you here?" he asked you, "windu and Yoda told me to come here, I don't actually know why" you replied, "Well, maybe is for Master Kenobi, he could use some company, he's there, if you want, now we're sorry, but we need to go," he said, gesturing toward a door, then he saluted you and left.

All of a sudden the emotions you built up, hid and covered found their way on the surface. Your heartache, your mind was scanning so many thoughts. Fear hit you, Hard, so much that a single tear escaped from your eyes. You swiftly dried it and then proceeded to enter the room Anakin pointed you.

Every step felt heavy and difficult to make, when you got to the door you hesitated a moment, took a deep breath to steady your mind and entered. There he was at your left, you saw him, he was still under the cure of the droid, he hissed a moment at the pain of the medicine. You walked toward his bed, scanning his figure, he was shirtless, seated, he was pale, tired and dirty. In the lighten room, while the medics wounded his back you could perfectly see all the marks all the injury he had on his torso, on his arms, the body you grew so attached for, the body you loved so much, how many times you lingered your fingers on his sculpted abdomen, on his biceps, you remembered the sensation of his soft skin under your delicate touch.

However now there were long red stripes, covering his whole chest, they were numerous, so many that you couldn't count. You started walking towards him, maintaining a calm expression, knowing full well he could read you like an open book.

He stopped for a moment, sensing your presence, then he looked up and saw your facade, felt your fear, your hurt, he tried to look you in the eys, but you couldn't instead you seated near his bed.

"How long no see you Y/N," he said in a joyful tone, however you felt the sorrow, the discomfort, and most of all the tiredness behind it. "Too much" you sighed, "How did the mission go?" you question, looking into his eyes, but as soon as you did so, he looked away, fearing your gaze, "Oh, we did it... we accomplished the mission." silence fell upon you two, a silence that spoke thousands of words,

"At what cost?" you asked staring at his wounded body; grief I in your tone, preoccupation in your mind, but so much love in your heart. Obi wan didn't dare to look at you, he felt lost, the truth is that the mission was much more painful and strenuous as he let you saw. He felt lost, alone, desperate, powerless, as he has never done. The thought of never seeing you again broke him, shuttered his heart into millions of pieces. Now you were before him, hurt, sorrowful, all for him, he was the cause of all your pain and he couldn't stand it, he couldn't bear even meeting your eyes for a split second.

"Could you leave us alone for a moment?" You then asked the medical droid, and it did as you ordered.

Now completely alone you took his hand and started caressing it, "Obi, what exactly happened to you?" you questioned, your voice breaking, he looks at you, absorbed in the action, afraid of looking at him. "It was hard, they.. they took me as a slave, and every time I tried to help someone they killed one of the other slaves. I was completely powerless, I felt... lost.... alone for the first time" you studied him, he was looking the other way, barely whispering, remembering.

"Obi...look at me" you whispered taking his chin with your hand, he stared in your eyes,

"I'm sorry" he sighed, barely audible,

"Don't be, why should you be?",

"Because I'm causing you pain, and I don't want that. It's my fault you're feeling like this right now",

"Obi, I would care for you whichever our relationship was, I'm not in pain, not so much, I'm just worried about you, I'm sorry that you're hurt, I'm sorry that you're feeling like this and I don't know how to help you, to let you relieve the pain."

"Y/N..." your E/C eyes bright again, filled with love and compassion, "You're helping me just by staying here", he said caressing your cheek,

"Good, because I've nothing to do today" he laughed, a bright laugh, pure, happy. "You don't know how much I've missed you", "Believe I know, because I've missed you just as much, if not more." "I believe I've missed you more" he joked, "You had something to do, I had nothing to do, so missing you were at the top of my list."

"I love you so much" he wasn't ok yet, he wasn't heled neither physically, nor mentally, but he was going to e. You were going o help him heal, you were going to stay near him and let him win this.

Together.

"I love you too," you said kissing his temples," However honey, I have a question", "Yes, what is it?"

"Why you are always the one beaten up?", "Because like that I have an excuse to see you, so you can help me heal" he laughed.

Your hand still in his, your cheek still in his hand, held up by yours, your eyes still in his.

A moment like this, filled with love, laughter, happyness, a moment like this helped you break the code, exactly, you could've left the order to always live a moment like this. With him.

Together

[killerqueenjoy]

99 Question Tag

okay okay I know i got tagged to do this like a month ago on my main blog by @santonicababy iM SORRY LIN ILY BUT THIS WAS SO DAMN LONG

1) DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED

I sleep in the room where everybodies closets are and they all gotta be closed goddamn do you know how spooky it is to even have one open during the night

2) DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS

my parents do, but alas I don't use them in case they have silicones or sulphates in them because I got a whole lotta curls to protect

3)DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT?

if this refers to the sheet protecting the mattress, then my answer is in because how the fuck would you be able to sleep with that moving around???

4) HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE

NO SORRY IM BORING

5)DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST IT NOTES

heck yeah, but for random shit

6) DO YOU EVER CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM

nee my parents are fancy fuckers who use the coupons on their phone (our local supermarket has a damn app skskksksk)

7) WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES

a bear because its one giant son of a bitch and not millions of tiny motherfuckers and also I've never been stung by a bee and intend to keep it that way because majority of my family seem to be allergic

8) DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES

nope! I have a couple beauty spots on my hands and face but thats kinda it

9) DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES

not really but if I've been told to smile then its 200% dead inside

10) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE

i find many things annoying

11)DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK

only when i go up and down stairs, but i also try to make sure i step with each foot equally (if that makes sense) and i step on only certain colour tiles when im bored

12) HAVE YOU EVER PEED IN THE WOODS

the real question is have i ever been in the woods? both answers are no

13) HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS

refer to question 12

14)ummmm idk what this question is meant to be curse you Lin

15)DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS

nope, the idea weirds me out

16) HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK

none, this week and in general

17) WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED

one person and a long yet smol doggo size

18) WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK

Eddie from the Rocky Horror Picture Show has been stuck in my head for the whole week so yeah i guess that

19)IS IT OKAY FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK

HeLL YEAH DUDE HAVE YOU SEEN RAMI MALEK IN PINK

SKSKSKSKS END MY LIFE

but yeah, anyone can wear anything they want to wear (although a suit made out of meat might not be wise)

20) DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS

dudeeeee scooby doo and tom and jerry are my jam I watch them on the regular (among other things)

21)WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVOURITE MOVIE

uhhm idkkkkk I tend to repress bad movies sksksk

22)WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME

idk shove it in the closet ig at least it will be hidden behind my sexuality

23)WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER

I usually only drink before or after but ig water??? cooldrink if I'm in a restaurant

24)WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN

depends on the nug

25)WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD

How dare you assume i only have one favourite

tbh it depends cos i love pizza and pasta and stuff but then i cannot live with my granny's curries ksksmks

26) WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE

borhap, sing street, rhps, the natm movies, the harry potter movies, any mcu movies

27)LAST PERSON YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU

ahhahahahahahha bold of you to assume anyone wants to do that

28) WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT

nope but I was a catrobat which is basically my preschools acrobatics team that was actually really terrible

29)WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE

nahh m8

30) WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER

this week for a transactional task at school (It was in Afrikaans and I got a C skskskks)

31)CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL IN A CAR

omg no

32)EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET

not old enough to drive!

33)EVER RAN OUT OF GAS

my parents never have for as long as i can remember

34)WHATS YOUR FAVOURITE KINDA SANDWHICH

cheese because I am actually John Deacon

35)BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST

MUFFINS!!!!

36)WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME

school nights its 11pm otherwise i dont have one lol

37)ARE YOU LAZY

YES BUT MY LAZINESS MAKES ME ANXIOUS OOF

38)WHEN YOU WERE A KID WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN

we dont celebrate that here but i rly want to it seems fun!

39)WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN

Ram, which is really cool because im an Aries, so I'm sheep squared

40)HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK

English, Afrikaans (at a basic highschool level), I could speak very vERY basic isiZulu when I was younger but I'm not sure about now, I know a bit of French and Telugu, and I'm gonna start learning Hindi soon!!

41) DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS

nee

42) WHICH ARE BETTER, LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS

i didn't play much with legos and i have no idea what the second one is rip

43)ARE YOU STUBBORN

to an extent

44)WHO IS BETTER, LENO OR LETTERMAN

I kept reading Leno as Lenin ffs

45)EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS

I watch them occasionally with my granny, but I don't keep up with them very well (Kasamh Se is my shit tho)

46)ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS

no, im afraid of falling in general tho

47) DO YOU SING IN THE CAR

My dad and I bop frequently to Never Gonna Give You Up in the car, and also classic bollywood songs (we have even learnt the choreography for some)

48)DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER

i perform

49) DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR

well theres not exactly much space

50)EVER USED A GUN

nope

51)LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER

not sure

52)DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY

most are but thats why i like them

53) IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL

we don't celebrate because we're not Christian (we still eat a lot and exchange presents tho), but it can get stressful if we have to visit extended family, mostly because my extended family loves to insult everything about me so thats great!

54)EVER EAT A PIEROGI

not i good sir

55) FAVOURITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE

never had one, it doesnt appeal to me

56) OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID

a vet

57)DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS

i am a ghost

58)EVER HAD A DEJA-VU FEELING

not that i remember

59)DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY

yes, I take a multi vitamin, a vitamin D pill because I'm vitamin D deficient, and im not sure if this is a vitamin or not but i take evening primrose oil so that im not outwardly a bitch due to pms

60)DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS

i wear slipper socks, because my doggo got jealous of my doggie slippers and murdered them in cold blood

61)DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE

i have one and rarely use it because i forget it exists

62)WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED

a random shirt and pants, though ive been known to kick pants off (ive been doing that since birth), occasionally i manage to get the matching pj set

63)WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT

ive unfortunately never been to a concert before

64)WALMART TARGET OR KMART

ive never seen any of these stores in my country

65)NIKE OR ADIDAS

i own neither

66) CHEETOS OR FRITOS

neither

67)PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS

Peanuts because thats my doggos name!

68) EVER HEARD OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN

no sorry

69)EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS

i went to a bhangra class for about a year, and we performed for our parents at the end of that year (i was in one of the few groups that didnt have to dance in lehengas thank goodness)

70)IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE

YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING

probably something creative, but I don't mind as long as they're happy with what they're doing and its not harming others!

71)CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE

yep

72)EVER WON A SPELLING BEE

never entered one, having to spell out loud makes me anxious

73)HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY

i think so

74)OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS

nope

75)OWN A RECORD PLAYER

i wish

76)DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE

my granny burns incense while I'm at school because my mom and i both get really sick when its just been lit and the smell is strong. Going to the temple is a damn nightmare because of it

77)EVER BEEN IN LOVE

no, too busy fangirling

78)WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT

oof a long list

Queen, Twenty One Pilots, Waterparks, Frank Iero and the Future Violents (ffs fronk stop changin the name), Panic! at the Disco...to name a few

79)WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW

refer to question 63

80)HOT TEA OR COLD TEA

both

81)TEA OR COFFEE

coffee

82)SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES

sugar cookies

83)CAN YOU SWIM WELL

i wouldn't drown, but im no professional either

84)CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE

im doing it right now

85)ARE YOU PATIENT

eh

86)DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING

I've only ever been to Hindi,Tamil and Telugu weddings and lemme tell you 90% of the time bands flop at those weddings because they can't sing the classics without failing miserably, so DJs are generally better. However, in that case, if a band can perform those songs, then I'd prefer a band ig

87)EVER WON A CONTEST

yep, a couple of reading contests

88)HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY

nope, not planning on it

89)WHICH ARE BETTER, BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES

dont like olives rip

90)CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET

i can knit!

in fact, my friends and i are so cool that we're in our schools knitting club (which besides myself, @grandfunnyemopainter and @imjustabruh , only has 2 other members)

91)BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE

lounge or study/library

92)DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED

i guess, its not on my goal list tho

93)IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED

no

94)WHO WAS YOUR HIGHSCHOOL CRUSH

currently in highschool, and in love with the borhap cast, sebastian stan, stephanie beatriz and band members (theres more but yeah)

95)DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY

nope, i have only two ways to deal, be a total pushover or a total bitch

96)DO YOU HAVE KIDS

nope

97)DO YOU WANT KIDS

kind of undecided, but i do want more pets

98)WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE COLOUR

Dark Blue

99)DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW

my dog, shes been ignoring me for about four hours now because I stayed at school for an extra hour (for knitting club!)

@softspaceboibrian @roger-taylor-owns-my-wigg @im-inlovewithmycar do it cowards

[friendlylocalwhumper]

Tat Anon here! I've been gone for the week at Disneyland! Which makes me think, what sort of whump potential do you think Disneyland has? I feel like you could do something with the juxtaposition of "the happiest place on Earth" and extreme misery and torture.

Tat anon! Hmm, Disneyland (or any theme park) whump? Very interesting question. One of the whumpiest episodes of Leverage, The Carnival Job, has Eliot get hit in the head with a rapidly spinning ride - so much metal to the head - and he went sliding, unconscious, with lovely bruising later. That was good. Here are some more ideas:

a) being trapped/tortured and no one can hear them screaming over the loud rides and the ecstatic screams and cheers of the guests on rides

b) getting sick on a ride, if you’re into emeto stuff

c) a traumatized character being taken out to enjoy a day of fun and getting lost in the crowd, having a panic attack. they sink to their knees, crying, and are found by one of their friends, who tries to calm them down.

d) a secretly injured character getting jostled around by the crowd and wincing, hand over their wound protectively, trying to hide it until they collapse

e) not remembering to drink enough water and getting dizzy, wobbly, falling off a ledge or just onto the ground, nauseous and out of it

f) getting taken from amongst the crowd, dragged away and drugged. you’d think with this many people around, someone would see it, right? people are surprisingly creative when explaining away something odd.

g) a character who tries to take their team/friends out for a day of fun, but the ticket sales booth doesn’t accept their credit card/runs out of tickets/makes them anxious, and the lines are long, and it’s hot out, and old deep-seated anxiety worms its way into their brain and they have just got to get away...

h) getting food at a food stand because all their friends are doing it, and they can let down their guard just this once. their serving is drugged, and after a bit they stagger, eyes losing focus, and they toss away the food, pissed that they’d let this happen.

i) someone drives their car into the crowd, leaving behind a gory mess. screams. panic. a stampede. you decide whether your whumpee is injured, triggered, terrified, or if they go into medic mode and try to help as many maimed victims as they can

j) someone is clinging onto the outside of a ride, struggling not to fall, and the whumpee tries to save them. they save the terrified person, but get hurt themselves (electrocuted by the ride? they themselves fall? they’re freaked out by the height and, seemingly handling it at the time, they later panic about it?)

k) a theme park worker makes a hurtful comment - a phrase triggering a flashback? misgendering the whumpee? making fun of a disability? the whumpee tries to keep their cool, but they’re humiliated, and fuck, now they’re on the verge of crying, and they can’t do that in front of all these people

l) someone shoots into the crowd. cue panic, blood, stampede. is the whumpee shot? do they try to find the gunman and flinch with each shot, knowing that every life taken before he finds the threat is blood on their hands?

m) a fight starts, either over someone cutting line or from getting shoved in the general bustle of the crowd, and the whumpee is caught up in it. security is called, and they get WAY too rough with the whumpee (who, naturally, fights back, and is hurt worse for it)

n) in the bustle of the crowd, an assassin/thug manages to stab the whumpee and slips away in the mass of people. the whumpee falls to the ground, blood flowing between the fingers trying to hold the wound. no one notices for too long.

o) the whumpee tries to call for their friends’ attention as something goes horribly wrong, but everyone is so loud, and no one notices until the whumpee ends up seriously hurt because they tried to handle the situation by themselves.

So, there are my ideas! Anyone’s free to use any of these little generic ideas for anything.

[kyunsies]

hello mädch!! how are you? how are you doing? I hope you've been doing good since your last message! as always, never ever worry about being late, I have been so wiped out this week already, so I'm even later than usual myself!

how was your last day at work? did you get to celebrate? are you happy that you've left? i hope you've been able to treat yourself with good and nice things for all your hard work, you so so so deserve it.

thank you so so much for your kind words. It seems like the operation stuff will be resolved not so bad soon? but I'm always the kind of person where I'll feel better when they'll have the operations and things will all go well. especially in the pandemic climate, I don't know it makes me even more anxious, if that makes sense?

I can't believe you did the research on encephalitis!! I had no idea it was something that impacted children or not, this is absolutely terrifying – stuff with the brain is always pretty scary. I always feel people don't look out for brain signs and signals that much? so people just don't really know how to deal with things? no no, thank you very much for talking about all of that stuff, I find medical things fascinating, I just obviously don't know lots about them, so it's cool hearing you talk about it, especially since you know so much about it and it's your area of expertise, you know? but thank you ha ha, I'm not gonna lie, I do feel a bit better knowing that it's unlikely I'll catch it. XD do you find your way more careful with the health of your family members, knowing that you know all this medical stuff as well?

i am honestly crazy impressed that you have never ever pulled an all nighter, especially with how hard you work! that screams amazing time management to me, that is so so epic! but I agree, I think you'll take on things is really healthy, like I know people see all nighters and like busting your body really hard as some noble thing, but I think work culture needs to be healthier in general, so it's really really super good that you have those habits? honestly fam, I cannot remember the last time I woke up feeling refreshed ever? I think my average sleep time is between 5 to 6 hours and the weird thing is even if I oversee that I think I end up still feeling really tired anyway! We don't have panera bread - I had to look it up just now, I'm not gonna lie it does look yummy (but then I suppose food photography is all meant to look yummy right?) a friend of mine working at a takeaway is going through that stuff though, well like if he gets it right it's really great but if he makes even a small mistake it's not so great. [people are so mean to others that work in the food industry, I glad you managed to get out. You've really done so much work in your life! Your work ethic really is amazing, I hope you give yourself more and more credit for everything you've managed to do in your life <3 <3 really really really

I've seen pictures of virginia beach! It looks so pretty - FIVE MASSIVE LAKES??!?!?! we don't have anything like that here. maybe a few rivers and streams and things, but all of the big lakes are much further north from me! or maybe i'm just not impressed find my country anymore. do you have a favourite out of any of these lakes? that's kind of amazing, that there are so many idyllic and beautiful places you can holiday near you. do you have like a dream holiday location outside of the US?

YOU BOWL!? That is amazing though?!??!?!!! my confession is that I have never bowled in my entire life! because my hands were really tiny I was never really allowed to with all the other creative stuff I was doing, so I have never ever been. my mum keeps saying when coronavirus is over we can go and do it sometime - but the balls are pretty big no? I feel like I would need one of those ramps to be able to bowl XD I'm not very strong, so you must have such good upper body strength and, like,c oordination and stuff too, right? YES I would love to see pictures of you bowling!! Is it a really positive collegiate atmosphere? I've seen in friends with gymnastics and soccer but it can be pretty brutal sometimes. parenting really is just such a noble thing!

honestly, anxiety is anxiety no matter how big or small it is. like I don't like how some people sometimes like to make their mental health issues worse than other peoples? it's so hard to quantify already without competing about stuff. have you gone to see people to help you with some of your emotional trauma? I've definitely found seeing professionals have helped? but I know it's definitely different for different people right? i hope you can give yourself safe love and care for it everything <3 and dw i'm not annoyed with anything you're saying at all! I think this is so real and human and you need to be able to say this stuff you know? like, what you're feeling matters and it's important, and it's okay that this stuff can't be fixed overnight or with a snap of your fingers so don't worry – repeat it as many times as you need. I hope so so so much that this stuff works out for you! and with how hard you work I'm sure it will, like even if it's not your first choice, I'm sure you're so resourceful that you'll find a way to make it work? you'll manage to pick yourself up and do even better than you thought you were going to you know? well, I believe in you, anyway!

yes to the perfume! I'm glad this is finally introduced you to bluebells, they're one of my favourite flowers! perfume really should be a pick me up, shouldn't they? OMG you have an oil diffuser!! So do I! What scents do you use? do you stuff to help you sleep, or just to help you be in a good mood or vibe with your space?

I cannot deal with the universe app omg it is just so so slow?! I saw hyungwon and jooheon were on idol radio 2 today! i didn't get to catch it yet - did you? we did the kpop thing!!! It was really really good, I hope this means good things will come soon, tho I had to wake up so super early for it but it was worth it! i had a not so good day yesterday with work, so it was a balance today that i really needed. Please say hi to your mum for me! I love your long letters, I think I spent half an hour on this one too, so it's all good! it's so nice hearing how you're doing but also I am happy knowing that you can tell me anything. I hope you are having the best rest ever because you deserve it after working so hard and you deserve to really treat yourself this week! I hope you have been treating yourself a bit more :) LOVE YOU LOTS AND LOTS AND LOTS!! TAKE CARE :D REST AND EAT AND SLEEP AND HYDRATE AND ALL THE GOOD THINGS WELL :D xxooxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxxooxoxo

-💥

ALRIGHT I'M HERE ANGEL !!!!!! sorry this is a couple days late :( how have u been this week hun? i hope well !!!!!

my last day of work was really chill !!! it was nice to check all the things off that i had to finish before leaving ;____; and i said goodbye to my favorite co-workers :( i was a little sad leaving them bc i will probably never see them again, but they've treated me with much kindness so i wish them the best !!! <3 i've only had about a week to myself and honestly it didn't feel like a true break bc i had to pack for uni and it was a little stressful sdfjklfjs ; right now i'm in a hotel bc i actually move in this weekend ! i drove 5 hours today, and then 2 more hours tomorrow !!

also i'm really happy the operation on your family member went okay right ?? i agree that it's more relieving knowing that the procedure is done and over with bc youre THAT much closer to everything going back to normal again soon !!! the road to recovery is near <3

also SDKFJS ABOUT ENCEPHALITIS !!! yeah it's definitely not something insanely common i would say but it's not rare either ;____; and although children maybe won't be diagnosed with encephalitis per se, them getting ear infections all the time IS and it is something to note that significant swelling in their head is happening :') inflammation really is no joke and the brain is scary bc like i said it really doesn't have anywhere to go :( so babe i wouldn't be too nervous about it okay !!! you would definitely know if something is wrong with u ;____; and again sorry i went all anatomy brain on u it's just something i've learned about esp when i took peds last semester :') so thank u for letting me talk about it with ya hehe <3

all nighters !!!!! are for ppl who don't care for their well being !!!!! LKSDFJ no i'm just kidding i have really high respect for ppl who are productive at night (one of my best friends can pull off all nighters with no problem and she gets really good grades) but it's just not for me :( i feel guilty telling ppl i've never pulled an all nighter as a NURSING STUDENT but ,,,,,,, i just cannot, my brain cannot focus on anything past midnight . i become counterproductive, it's just not my optimal time for studying . bc i wake up so early on the weekends i try to get everything done by dinner time ,,,,,, and even when i did my sport and travelled so much i never studied late into the night (maybe only a couple of times); and again like i said maybe that differentiates me from being a B student instead of a straight A student :( but i just try my best and don't push myself over the edge bc it ends up turning out worse for me :') and also love :((( thank u so much for listening to my little anxieties all this time , i fell bad for unloading it but u make it so easy for me to feel comfortable ;____; i know it's common for us to feel this way, but for some reason i have this thing in my head where i think everyone around me has their shit together and i'm always the one that is fucking everything up, if this makes sense? i know it's irrational but ;____; it's how i feel ;____; i've actually never seen anyone about this new found anxiety early bc i don't want any of my family members finding out :( not bc they would shame me or anything and i'm really close with my family, but this is just a whole different and new thing that i don't think i'm ready t share that with my family yet. i would love to see a therapist when i live on my own, but idk i don't want to feel weak, you know? i know seeing someone for help doesn't make u weak by any means, but it's hard to admit these things to ppl i feel :( i sure hope you're right, i just want whatever is supposed to happen to me work out in my favor :((( so thank u for all of ur love and support hun ;____; you're like the older sibling that i never had <3

VIRGINIA BEACH REALLY IS SO NICE they were always really fun family vacations for me <3 it's a shame i haven't gone in like the past 7 years bc my grandparent's health has kind of deteriorated over time, but those are memories i'm glad i was able to share with them for such a long time when i was younger <3 and YEAH 5 massive totally huge lakes (like i said u probably have an idea of what state i live in now lol) but they're all so lovely and pretty <3 and honestly all of them are gorgeous in their own way, but without saying you can probably look it up, the biggest of the 5 is where we visit most often !!! and a dram holiday?? i would say the big 3 locations i would love love love to go outside of the US are italy, spain, and croatia ;_____; i think croatia is soooo beautiful (so small) but absolutely gorgeous :(

and YEAH I BOWLED LMAO and there's no shame in never bowling before !!!! i a lot of ppl don't really like it bc a) its frustrating and b) it takes a lot of patience / hand-eye coordination lol but it's something i've been doing for, oh idk, probably close to 13 years at this point lol ; it's just a shame to me that ppl associate the sport with just going out with friends and having a beer :/ it's so much more than that (to me at least ;____; ) and !!!!! don't worry to much about having small hands !!!! the balls themselves aren't really big per se, it's the weight that ppl are more concerned with lol the highest weight available is 16 lbs and ppl are surprised when they hear that i throw with 14 lbs lol ; and !!!! i have super tiny hands so i feel like compared to a lot of girls i wasn't able to get a high rev rate (how many times the ball rolls before hitting the pins) but i think a lot of my strength is in my legs actually !! yes it takes upper body strength but the lower muscle groups are just as important :) and the collegiate atmosphere is really positive and energetic i would say !!! bc it's not like soccer where ur teammates are far away, rather they are right there cheering u on and picking u up when ur down <3 i love my teammates ;____;

pls the jo malone perfume i cherish it so much i've been wearing it everyday LOL i am so in love with it !!!!!! it brings me joy, which i think is important <3 and !!! OIL DIFFUSER SQUAD LOL !!! what scents do u like angel ?? my go to is always yalangyalang or mint bc it's very calming for me lol i usually use it when i got to sleep :) i actually hate the scent of lavender even tho ppl say it's calming LSDFJ

I DID NOT GET TO WATCH IDOL RADIO in it's entirety :( just bc it wasn't subbed and it's really hard for me to stay focused for an hour and a half when i don't know what they're saying hhh but they looked so cute :( and i hope everything at work is going okay my love !!!!! the whole kpop thing sounds so exciting <3 and i'm sorry u didn't have the great of a day the other day ;____; was it just bc u were busy ??? or just didn't feel right? i hope u were able to finish off the week strong tho bubbie ;_____; again, thank u so so much for allowing me to be so comfortable with u hun <3 u are such a dear friend to me and i'm so happy to have someone like u around, i love u so much :( if i don't hear from u pls pls have a good weekend and a good week next week okay !!!!!!!!!!!!! i start classes on monday so i will be coming on here for lots of emotional support LMAO . mwah <3 love u so much <3