#iywd screaming

[zukkacore]

Me shaking my head disapprovingly as i write a fatalistic Jace who believes he was made for Porter to let everyone know that irl im a huge believer in personal autonomy n self determination

[j2zara]

With the additional context of how much the clones have been fucked over I do think that makes jaceporter a lot more despicable in the reframing of IYWD than what it was when I first wrote the thing and maybe I messed up by staining what I saw as something like. Fucked and tragic yes but ultimately somewhat soft and almost romantic (it’s funny bc now I view IYWD as soft when at the time I was so preoccupied I wasn’t clear cut enough abt it being a tragedy). But also like I’m sick and twisted so a part of me likes that their reunion now is still this like borderline romantic thing that obliterates all else. They are evil and are they still worthy of our attention? Of our sympathy? The clones were nothing but an offhand joke at the time and now that jaceporter are together despite the clones now having lives and stories of their own, in the face of the jaceporter pantheon back to an offhand joke they remain. There is nothing else. They were always going to be It for each other.

[zukkacore]

It’s like. The thing abt 2 Jaces thesis (a subsection of 8 Jaces thesis obviously that refers only to pre & post shatterstar jaceprime), is that. Porter refusing to love pre shatterstar Jace as he was was already cruel and painful for that version of Jace. Porter’s inability to love post shatterstar Jace who was literally made to love him, made to be the version of him that Porter thought would finally be worthy, is infinitely crueler. What a cursed existence. Such is the life of Jace stardiamond.

[zukkacore]

ACTUALLY WHILE IM ON THE SUBJECT CAN I SHARE ANOTHER IYWD THING THATS ALSO A REFERENCE? I thought it was too far of a stretch to include at the time but. (This is actually kinda a nod to @adaines-furious-feast Max is the utilitarian jack of all trades student for BLeeM like Jace is the utilitarian jack of all trades for the Aguefort staff observation)

In IYWD, Porter describes Jace as egoless. He never makes anything about himself. In If We Were Villains, when Oliver can’t come up with his strength as an actor, James says essentially. Oliver. You are the most generous actor out of any of us. No matter what is going on, you never make anything about you. You’re completely willing to give yourself to the other people in the scene.

And there’s something like. That is both so true about that for me when I think about Jace, yet also patently absurd. He is a nonentity in every scene he’s in. Palatable. Nonthreatening. A body, someone who fills in the gaps. A bit part. Never commands the oxygen in the room. Completely willing to give himself up to the other players in the scene. Egoless.

At the same time. He’s all ego. He’s so desperate to live. He’ll turn himself into anything for Porter. Chose Porter over death. Chose subordination and to enable evil and impotently bullying Henry Hopclap over being so cool and principled and deathly silent like Yolanda Badgood. He wants those 10 lines, he’s getting that screen time. He’ll do anything for it. Thats living, right?

[zukkacore]

I’m being so cool and normal abt this rn actually

[zukkacore]

It’s funny bc I looooovvveee when characters who are foils essentially go through what I call an hourglass arc where their traits start off in opposition and slowly they take on more of each other until it’s like. A reversal. I even expressed this pre ragenarok. I was like listen Porter n Jace are foils. Porter is active, singleminded in his conviction, drive, clarity to the point of trampling anything that gets in his way. Jace is passive, always aimless, adrift, looking for purpose, coasting to the point of being a doormat who is dragged into anything. Wouldn’t it be so delicious if Porter was the one expressing doubts about the plan in its final moments and in that moment Jace is the one who chooses conviction & devotion and clarity.

And like IYWD is so like. That. And yet it didn’t change anything. Jace subconsciously knows what he wants so badly. Porter unwilling to admit that his every move is just wracked with doubt. It doesn’t stop them from being who they are. It doesn’t change anything

[zukkacore]

It’s funny bc you’d think I’d be like good for Porter for being able to grow a little bit and love this current Jace after the detect thoughts teleport time travel dream space meld but my real feelings on it are like. Porter I get that you were so moved by Jace loving you to the point of invention I think anyone would be but why did it have to take that much for you to get there. Why did he have to rip through space and time for you to see him

[zukkacore]

Such a funny admission but the fact that all the detect magic + teleportation meld stuff almost didn’t exist in the first version of IYWD is so crazy to me. This was almost a completely different story. I’m glad it had such a positive reception you guys are so incredibly sweet and I can’t believe it moved you as much as it did. I genuinely was contemplating cutting a lot of the Flashback Through Detect Thoughts stuff bc I thought it would detract from what I was going for or be too long and make no sense. But I also kinda realized I needed to like. Up the stakes after Jace said “you can do anything you want to me” I was like that would be extremely anticlimactic to say if nothing really happened but at the same time this didn’t really feel like the kind of SB story that necessitated like a lot of like. Violence w/in their kinkplay lol

[zukkacore]

Kinda realized that I don’t think I ever have Jace acknowledge directly one time that Porter killed him. He’s mentioned his death and being cornered with a choice. He refers to Porter putting the shatterstar in his chest. To Porter changing him. To being resurrected. He refers to Porter “fucking him over” multiple times (in fact that’s usually how I refer to it). I don’t think he ever says once that Porter killed him

[zukkacore]

⭐️

HIIIII Thank you so much! I ran out of space again for @italicized-oh so I realized i'm gonna continue just talking about the works I like that kinda help me conceptualize what IYWD was meant to be. I'm very derivative at heart <3: PART 1 | PART 2

"The stranger seems perfectly ordinary / But at the same time, Jace can’t find anything he doesn’t like about him." ok i HAVE to talk about this b/c idk if i'm being insane here b/c "I can't find anything I don't like about you" is actually something Joel says to Clementine in Eternal sunshine. Is it completely weird for me to have Jace say it about himself??? But i also think he deserves that. There's a lot of space given to his self loathing and desire to transcend himself. There's smthng about the old jace being so mundane in his "perfection" here. There's so little here to sully him b/c the scene is so short, their relationship was so new. Both kinda perfect in his simplicity. There is really nothing bad. But also kinda ordinary. it's not like he's special. There's a bit of yearning for his old self when he says he can't find anything about him he doesnt like, while also being so alienated from that he doesn't know who it even is. But I think it's like. A very rare instance of Jace showing himself some kindness in a story w a lot of self loathing

He seems lovely. I understand why you miss him. / He was. He was perfect. / You're perfect. This is so guardians 3 Gamora n Quill "you know, I'm still not who you want me to be" "yeah, but who you are ain't so bad" except evil version fucked up mirror universe lol. Like instead of accepting who this person is is different from the person you want them to be, but also being like. You're still also a person worthy of admiration and love but on your terms. Not with the expectations i place on you to be them, be something you're not. I think while sweet in its own way, Porter is just going from romanticizing one version of jace in the past to idealizing this version of jace in the present. And like. Is it really his fault. This version of Jace loved him to the point of invention. But still. I think there's a reading that this is like. Him saying both past and present are worthy of love as they are but how can he say that? PORTER is the one who did this. Infuriating. But very paladin devotion coded. Could be read as a synthesis of his feelings but also. Deeply simplistic and reductive.

"Porter can’t decide what he wants more. To make him see the way the world could be, or to lock him in a cage and keep him this way forever." I mean. Obviously Hadestown. Especially that first part. "Make him see how the world could be" (Evil version). Vs "Someone who appreciates the comforts of a gilded cage / who doesn't try to fly away the moment mother nature calls". It's like. Him caught between two impulses of. Him trying to actualize jace, fix him in his flaws, make him more of a reflection of what a follower of a god of war n rage should even be (and this ties into gorgug mcat thesis, porter's perceived flaws of Gorgug are jace's actual flaws and Porter thought gorgug needed tough love to actualize). Or this need to like. Grasp onto the past, clamp down on control, to preserve him in this precious state. And I think there is something in both impulses that are not. The worst thing ever. Wanting someone to be the best version of themself b/c you see so much in them vs. wanting them to stay precious and imperfect and human even in their flaws. BECAUSE of their flaws. But also obviously the more sinister and obvious reading is like. I mean, they're both extensions of control but like. To fix him or to own him. In a way, Porter tried to do both and lost what he thought even was precious about Jace in the first place.

A Message to Porter, You’re early - I mean. This throughline of "you're early" is obviously hadestown. Hades keeps coming up for Persephone earlier and earlier. Orpheus turned around too soon. It's that doublespeak of like. It's not just that Porter left class early to get him which is definitely weirdo behavior but that Jace didn't expect him to try to win him back THAT SOON after one of their splits. Every time Porter mentions in his internal monologue that he misses jace, that's all Hades. And "We're doing this again?" is obviously "And what about you and I? are we gonna try again" coded.

"I’m tired, Porter.” - again, kinda a weird pull. Whenever I think about Jace and exhaustion i think about Eurydice in Hey Little Songbird from Hadestown. Something about death also being refered to as rest or a final rest. I've always viewed sorcery as kinda grueling b/c its so internal and all about self control and self regulation and you have to do everything yourself. It's all you. There is no higher power to give you answers. Like. To me Jace is very chronic fatigue / choice fatigue coded. So There is this whole idea of Jace's resentment of like. When Porter killed him, damned him, brought him back wrong, he was denied any kind of meaningful life but he was also denied rest when as a sorcerer, that's secretly been the only other thing he's ever wanted. He and Eurydice are: "I want a nice soft place to land. I wanna lie down forever"

"I can wait. You know I can wait" n also "Guess I'm staying, then?" "Guess so" - Obviously the Thing with hadestown n the concept of waiting w/ "Wait for me" "I will". I also think there's something so Wait for Me (Reprise) about it in which it's like. "Think they'll make it?" "I don't know." "You let them go." "I let them try." "And what about you and I?" "are we gonna try again" "it's time for spring." "wait for me" I will" in which they're literally watching younger versions of themselves go through something they're experiencing.

^^^ But also Eternal Sunshine... I think he says "I want you to wait for just a while" & you can see in her face she's kinda moved by that even tho she knows they're doomed to get sick of each other. and its at the VERY end and they know if they were to get back together they would literally just go through the same journey they went through last time. But also that it's worth it. There's something so fatalistic seeing Porter say he's going to stay. Like. We know that's not going to happen. But we're happy he says it to Jace in the moment. It's what he wants to hear. It's what he's been wanting to hear the whole time. But when it was happening, it was so trivial.

Porter stops his mouth with a kiss. The line "Peace. I will stop your mouth" I think is such an a funny n interesting way to talk about kissing and its from Much Ado, benedick says to Beatrice. I don't have a lot of thoughts about it. I just think it's interesting. And makes a lot of sense obviously bc the whole POINT is the charged banter. Something about a character who rambles, lives in their own head n its like kinda a chirp but also kinda earnest to just be like Peace. I will stop your mouth.

"Ill take it— / I'll take it all" is also kinda a double thing. First off It's an evil Tom Succession moment. God should i even admit this. This part is unserious. I just think there's something so harrowing when he's telling shiv abt when they first started dating and he says "and i kept asking. Do you like this. Do you like this. And you said eventually. I like it all"

Also Fleabag. this has a darker undercurrent than in fleabag but i love the scene abt her mom w/ Boo when she says "I don't know where to put it. The love that i have for her." "I'll take it. Seriously it sounds lovely". And like. In the moment it's so innocuous. But Jace gets to HEAR himself say what he wishes to say to Porter. He will take whatever Porter has to give him. Whatever form of love. Even if it's not really FOR him. He's desperate for it. He was built to for it. It's the only thing he's ever wanted. If you're willing to give it

[zukkacore]

Again more Biggest Lie being a test of contrasts for me to Almost n IYWD which are sisters. Jace is the saint, and j2 is the precious gift, but J3 is just a body.

I talked about. The flashback in IYWD really being the impetus for this whole motif of Porter being obsessed with protecting Jace from harm which is obviously ironic when held in contrast to the cruelty of “I’ll kill you again, stardiamond!” It’s—“I promise I’ll never let anything to you happen ever again” “as a paladin or a barbarian?” “Both” and IYWD starts with Porter’s fear of losing Jace (despite the fact that he’s already lost Jace) when he’s dropped in the woods. It’s romantic it’s controlling it’s about the comfort of a gilded cage it’s about paladin devotion and the barbarian desire to protect, to be a shield. It’s an oath he already broke once. He’d do it again when push comes to shove. I’ll kill you again, stardiamond, when the plan swallows all else. But for now, the failure to live up to that oath I think is a big part of this universe’s Porters guilt.

In Almost this same protective oath is extended to j2 who in Porter’s head is the last vestige he’s getting of Jace as well as being Jace’s treasured gift to him. He can’t lose this too like he lost Jace (he already lost Jace. He did this to Jace). Whenever something is deemed too dangerous for J2 it’s shunted off toward the other clones (to j3). And J2 learns to be ok with this. It’s protective it’s devotion it’s about ownership and control.

J3 doesn’t get that. He’s a body, fully willing to be a Jace cypher if it means he’s getting the full brunt of Porter’s emotions. He wants porter to take everything out on him without the commitment of accepting that Porter also loves Jace (could love him, too?) and he’s convinced himself this is a good deal. That he’s the lucky one. That in its own way, this is special that he’s not protected or precious. because—at least he doesn’t have to deal with the pain of broken oaths. Porter doesn’t shield him from anything, and that’s a gift, isn’t it?

[zukkacore]

Another thought: in the first draft of IYWD in the memory when Porter says “I promise, I’m never going to let anything happen to you ever again”

Obviously that’s like. Meant to be somewhat romantic. And Jace replies with “are you saying this as a barbarian or a paladin” bc like. There’s the aspect of barbarians as meat shields who protect vs the paladin’s devotion

And originally the reply was going to be something more along the lines of like. “Why does that sound so ominous” which is very “everything you say is creepy” coded but beyond that like. In a way, it is ominous. There’s that thing of like.

Never let anything happen to me?

Like. Yes we’re going full evocative of Hadestown “comforts of a gilded cage”. And also very proto Staint Stardiamond Luxury Sex Object Prison coded. To me <3

[zukkacore]

you reblogged that director's cut ask meme and i KNEW exactly already the scene. towards the end where it starts with:

"Disappointment. “Look. Whatever fantasy you’re trying to cling to, I don’t want any part of it. If you need anything, get another me to do it for all I care. I’m just—done playing house, Porter.” to "How ridiculous."

OR anything about the pomegranate tree which. i put my phone down to stare at the ceiling when the pomegranate tree was mentioned.

HIiiii!!!!! Thank you so much for sending me this honestly you picked a good one.

Ok. this scene is crazy bc i think it was the flashback scene that felt the most necessary to include. Not the one i fought the hardest for (jace good/bad teacher you have my heart ended up making sense but for a long time i was like cut that shit. You know you just want to be indulgent. Until i realized the ratgrinders haunt the narrative). Nor the one that feels the most. Obvious I guess? Or the most evocative? (The one where they're at Porter's house feels like so vivid and real to me not like necessarily bc of my writing its just like real in my mind like if Jace is reading Porter's memories there's definitely something in there that is just Precious and Heartbreaking and Deeply Ironic and almost simplistically affectionate in its portrayal of the Old Jace.

Anyway. This scene in the backyard felt. Necessary I guess? But i also worried i was trying too hard to make it work. It actually wasn't even really originally about Frosty Fair. Like. Jace still was walking out bc of a fight abt the ratgrinders but it was more abstract? I think the fact that its like ruben was getting attacked by grix is a throughline though for jace taking damage for TRGs in the forest. The ratgrinders were not originally going to be this like chekovs gun and like i honestly felt kinda bad that i was like. hm. awfully convenient for Jace to forget abt them so quickly in favor of getting. some dick but also like that's the whole POINT. I was like. Well i can at least highlight how absurd that is by making him ashamed but not really altruistic enough to do anything about it. But its like. Kinda the throughline now.

Originally I was like. Honestly rly embarrassed bc i felt like Jace taking damage in the forest was such a contrived way to get him and Porter to hook up like oooooh patching up injuries how original. But I feel like. There's a whole subplot kinda ABOUT jace taking the damage now. Now the whole story is about how he cares.

And post-Jace HATES that that's the reason Porter brought him on b/c he's so alienated from that version of himself, and he's disgusted with himself for feeling like he's never doing enough or caring enough. For being neglectful and running away. So when Porter grabs his wrist in the memory,

“I don’t think so, Stardiamond. You want this to work. You care, you always have. I know that’s who you still are.”

it's like. He's not seeing Jace for who he is. He's still clinging to the past. But also don't think he's completely wrong. Because jace does take that damage in the forest. He always had that capacity to care in him.

Anyway. I'll backtrack to the. Top of the scene tho.

Disappointment. “Look. Whatever fantasy you’re trying to cling to, I don’t want any part of it. If you need anything, get another me to do it for all I care. I’m just—done playing house, Porter.

Ok so this comes right after the whole. Jace wants Porter to acknowledge what he means to him. & Porter only mentioning his utility to The Plan. So. In my Mind the fantasy that Porter clings to about Jace and the fantasy Porter clings to about the house of sunstone heir of the cliffbreakers thing is made of the same stuff. It's all a glorious past that has been lostt to him. It's all something he's desperately trying to cling to.

There's also the fact that Jace says "I'm done playing house, Porter" (which i know is epilogue coded what can i say we get metatextual up in here). But. To me that's about. This idea of family. Porter feels he's been denied something of his lineage. In his mind he's doing this for his family as well as himself. I really wanted there to be something in there about Jace basically saying like. Why do you need to do this for your family. I'm your family. But it felt too on the nose and maybe not true to the character. B/c like. What family? The whole Jaceporter and the ratgrinders make up like a shitty fucked up fall of the house of usher type family is so real to me. But the thing is. That's a fantasy. Most of the ratgrinders are shatterstarred. Porter is clinging to something that doesn't exist.

And he says "if you need anything, get another me to do it for all I care." which. I think I needed to justify something within the text... But besides that. "get another me to do it" is so like. I think there's two things in there. 1) Jace is talking about his own replaceable nature within the plan. Calling attention to the fact that Porter actually COULD replace him, he just doesnt want to because he wants it to be jace. He just won't say that he'll say i need you you're so important blah blah. 2) obviously that's a bit of a jaceclone reference. He's saying literally another me, and long as I personally get that distance from you idc.

already talked abt the you care line so I'm gonna skip past it.

Another swing of Bigby’s Hand. This time, it’s a miss, and it dissipates—too rattled to concentrate. Jace seethes. “I don’t give a fuck what you think of me, or about who your Jace was. I’m —”

Ok. So like. I've talked about this a little bit, but I actually I do have a soft spot for the guardians of the galaxy 3 i actually think its pretty good and i don't like peter and gamora really but i think gotg3 uses them in very interesting ways b/c Quill keeps trying to insist that this gamora (a gamora from another time who never experienced the movies) should live up to the gamora from his memories. The line i actually really like is "What are you so afraid of within yourself that you need me to be something for you" which AAAAGGGGHHHH i feel sick about is very jaceporter to me. (The other scene that is very them is gamora saying “you know. I’m still not who you want me to be” and him going “yeah but who you are ain’t so bad” “I bet we were fun” “like you wouldn’t believe.” PORTER YEARNS FOR OLD JACE BUT ALSO ?? DID OLD JACE LOVE HIM TO THE POINT OF INVENTION?)

I don't think Porter would ever refer to the old jace as His Jace but I definitely think this jace conceives of it that way. & this is even more fucked bc PORTER put him here. That shit just happened to Gamora. PORTER is the one that wanted to actualize and use Jace but also misses who he used to be. And porter isn't wrong that this jace has the capacity to be as "good" at the old jace, but he's definitely not willing to acknowledge the harm he's caused or the pain this jace is in. I almost ended the exchange with "I'm Jace" but i felt like that also would be too on the nose. The fact that the name Jace is inherently a little bit silly does take a bit of the bite away. Sorry bestie beloved but its true ur name is ridiculous.

I think so much of this fic is Jace reconciling that he wants to be loved but he doesn't know in which way. Like. On the one hand he's saying please love as I am—as a person who has undergone irreconcilable trauma, different and the same. On the other hand he's saying please love me as I am— as the doggish, devoted frankenstein's creation that can't help but love his creator. And I think there's a little bit of both here. A little bit of Why are you asking for the old jace when i am what i am, the person you made, someone else, and i'm RIGHT HERE. And its a little bit of Why are you asking for the old jace expecting me to be something i no longer recognize, can you at least acknowledge that this trauma has changed me, that i feel different, that i feel as if i can never go back. But maybe those are the same thing

I also want a brief sec to talk abt that bigby's hand. I just wanted something that would leave a large impact i think? Like. this is such a WEIRD pull but i was watching that dirty laundry w/ brennan in which he talks abt getting in a car crash where the car trenches a hole in the grass and stops just shy of a woodchuck hole and he starts laughing in shock. I thought abt that a lot in the scene with the Motivational Poster bc of the laughing of shock but i also liked that imagery i guess of trenching a crater.

Pain, as the rage crystals and untamable arcana course through his veins—he can feel it in the present, too—and then the Jace in the memory surges so bad that he passes out on the lawn, but not before frying the nearby pomegranate tree to a crisp with a jolt of lightning. Jace turns away from that one as if flinching from a raised hand. Despite everything, he wishes most of all to apologize about the tree. He could laugh. How ridiculous.

Im playing a little loose with sorcery stuff but aint that the sorcery way i guess. Anyway I like in other fic when Jace has a hard time controlling his sorcery due to being shatterstarred as a way of being like yeah he's discordant with himself. Its sooooo good. I think the rage here is a little bit his and Porters. I don't know if thats how it works in the text but i made the call that jace's rage can also incite the crystal to act up.

OK SO lastly. THANK YOU FOR BRINGING UP THE POMEGRANIT TREE JUST BC ITS FUN even tho its literally is like. Yeah I love Hadestown and Jaceporter are soooooo persephades / orphydice coded. I liked the imagery of his surge being so bad that it kills the something dear to Porter in the garden, and I was like. Frying a tree sounds cool. And I was like. Well if its gonna be a fruit tree of COURSE it can't be any old tree it has to be a pomegranite tree. OF COURSE. And it's not stated but i do think it kinda was the centerpiece of that garden. And of course like. A pomegranate on its own already means a lot. In terms of like. Death n rebirth Persephades and this idea of the cycles of the seasons and leaving n returning and the overlap with this idea of like, corruption and a Fall from grace

Also a shoutout to my ability to neglect real world facts. "Lily, white, and Poppy red. I trembled as he laid me out. " Yeah, Porter decimated the poppies in the fight. They're completely out of season but we can play pretend.

I do think him wanting to apologize for the tree is like. Such a funny moment. I think after i wrote what happened to the tree i felt bad for said tree. There is something really sad abt that. So i think Jace would feel bad about destroying something that takes so long to grow, that Porter cares about, and find away to blame himself even tho Porter is the one who started everything.

Anyway. This scene felt. Necessary bc i think there needed to be some semblance of showing them in like. Actual conflict. at the time i actually did NOT know that THIS would be THE FIGHT in the exhange that Porter was talking about earlier. When he said "i thought you meant it this time". i mean. its not explicit but I do think there's a finality to the interaction that implies that yes. Jace was fucking serious this time. And again there's that throughline of the ratgrinders haunting the narrative. About Jace caring and feeling like he's never caring enough.

Like, so much of the story is ABOUT Porter looking right past jace and i felt like there should be scene that. Says it outright. But also. Not being completely wrong. IMO. B/c I also think Jace was threatened by the version of himself that porter sees. And he thinks he doesn't live up to that. he COULD never live up to that. (And in some ways he does. In some ways. He's might even be perfect in his own way. He kinda loved Porter to the point of invention so)

[zukkacore]

I want the director’s cut of. Honestly the entirety of if you want divinity. I’ll take whatever you’re willing to talk about. I need to just stare out a window for awhile. I feel like crying. Wow. Amazing story stunning stunning stunning.

HELLO FRIEND SCREAMS thank you so much you know how meaningful it is that people like. Like my writing and engage with it and you've been so sosososo incredibly sweet. Sorry yours took the longest, I was trying to think of something to say bc apparently there's a word limit on these things. Boo. I would totally do a total annotated doc otherwise bc im cringe but i went over like a LOT of the references stuff in Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 which honestly. Might be a lot of the process.

Imma see if I have any other notes off the top of my head:

THE POSTER: ok, so. The WEAKNESS IS PAIN LEAVING THE BODY poster. Obviously that's a bit of an ironic joke. That wasn't even really supposed to be there. I'm realizing i kept in the draft the fact that Jace makes the picture frames on Porter's desk rattle. And actually, during the implied Cassandra Divine Intervention scene where the poster falls, was originally supposed to be one of the pictures on the desk. I... couldn't justify it. I was like. idk whats weird n whats not to have as a framed picture on your desk if you're a teacher.

I'm like. Genuinely I think one of my biggest flaws as a writer is sensory detail, description, like maintaining characters geography w/in a space. King of white wall syndrome. At the bare minimum, I do think there's this kinda funny old vs. new feeling regarding Jace's belongings, his home, etc. Or like. I guess not kitsch but like something mass market vs. very old and traditional. Like the couch in my head like something small, ugly and modern, like very minimalist and kinda uncomfortable, and something a lot of people would own. But there's also the grandfather clock in the corner—to me that's also something that was passed down like the brooch. The brooch, moon n stars, obviously n heirloom—he's has like old roots in fallinel, his family is of Galicaean faith. But also The brooch is described in the same scene as the mug Porter keeps, and it's the most generic millenial like mass market slogan thing you've ever seen. There's this like. Presence of his family's influence even if he doesn't speak to them. But also a life that's. Kinda on autopilot.

I.... i always feel like I'm patting myself on the back abt this. I do really like the Detect magic + Teleport meld. I think it was clever. I'm telling myself that's ok to say. Mainly b/c it was a good solution to two problems. And a little bit b/c I think it's romantic to rip through space and time for someone. Again, I keep joking that he loved Porter to the point of invention (something i only feel self congratulatory about bc he did it in canon first).

Anyway. I was struggling SO HARD on what to do about these flashback scenes and i've said this before but like they were so close to being on the cutting room floor. I just felt like i couldn't justify them in something that was meant to be kinda... fun? Haha. "fun" IYWD. As if. The Detect thoughts i think helped with what to do about inserting those flashbacks, which i think helped resolve my problem of them feeling pointless b/c its like. It's not for our benefit, it's literally the memories weighing on Porter at like all times. They hang over everything.

The Teleport part was bc i was like. Ok. This is the biting maiming killing dropping during sex couple. If there's a question of "you can do anything you want to me", there HAS to be an escalation of stakes. But also this doesn't feel like a story that necessitates like. A lot of violence in their kinkplay I guess? When there's so much else going on, there's so much like about mourning and the violence already inflicted on Jace twofold that's actually a source of guilt for his horrible evil loser boyfriend porter. I already went through a LOT of contrivance just to get them into Porter's office (i think the fucking in porter's office jokes are fun, sue me), but I also was like. Ok. I think I need to go bigger by going smaller. If he changes the spell to rip through time, there's this like—doubling that makes it so on some level they're basically recreating their first time. Which i think makes the kinda silly vanilla (with little bit of mind reading lol) mundanity of that last part hopefully work

Fun Fact: the "I actually kinda miss you, aint that peculiar" "I'm right here" scene is the first one I wrote. It was basically the basis for everything. As it existed then, it was wayyyyy different tho. The tone was actually a lot more hostile. The patching up injuries thing actually came in way later and i was super embarrassed bc i was like that's so cliche but now i like it b/c i think there's such a Ratgrinders haunt the narrative thing about it. A Jace Cares and that's the thesis of Porter's grief thing about it.

The "there it is, the line" "you're so weird" into he never wants porter to stop saying mystifying things to him. Like. Completely changed the trajectory of what was going on almost by accident. Like. It literally wasn't until that moment that i was like. Oh. Oh. He wants porter to stay. B/c like

I see so much of the 1st half of the story as Jace like. Using Porter's want for him as a way to satisfy his own wants and needs. He wants pleasure after denying himself. But he also needs to live. I keep saying he's using sex as a tool b/c i really think he is—he wants to be so good porter can never live without him. And on level one, that's about making sure he's indispensible. Making sure he stays alive. But the second thing thats buried under there is more of a want—for Porter to stay with him. And that changed it from Jace actually fighting to have the upper hand and in some ways even getting Porter on the back foot to it being like. Actual desperation.

How many Jaces are in this story? Good question. Pre and post shatterstar for sure, but also we only see Pre in flashbacks so they're more like Porter's perception of pre. The clones are implied but do not make an appearance. And obviously after the first 5, the other jaces w/in 8 Jace thesis are more concepts in people's heads (and also one of them is 25). The Jace of Porter's memory is definitely there. The Jace Porter thought he would get after the shatterstar also haunts the scene. too. It's jaces all the way down.

Idk if it makes sense my logic behind this but. There's Porter complimenting Jace when he's really raw and vulnerable and messy and its like. Jace's response is that it's unfair. And b/c there's so much talk abt justice and unfair in FHJY i was like. Can. there be an instance in which something is unfair in a good way? Like. In that you're the one being treated unfairly at the expense of everyone else. Like. almost like. Sometimes you can be unfair in that you're easier on your friend than you might be on someone else. That's not fair, but like. That's human. Like if something is unfair you might be getting an advantage on something you didn't earn. But you don't have to earn love, but the fact that Jace didn't have to work for it, he feels like he's getting something too easily. It's unfair. In a good way.

I've said this before but I do think Porter is able to come to some sort of synthesis about Jace. And that he was maybe able to even conceive of the totality of him b/c of how the flashbacks are laid out. Like. in the first one he's unpalatable and angry and a disappointment to the memory of Jace that Porter imagined. In the second one he's sort of perfect, the scene too short and precious and romanticized to be muddied by real flaws in his mundanity and simplicity. And in the last one, Jace is mundane, flawed, overworked, overly familiar with his students, willing to play favorites, but also empathetic, good at making connections, ultimately well meaning and trying his best. Someone real, that's Porter's favorite. It's up to interpretation i think. esp bc like.

Counterpoint: I think you could also read that. Porter seems to love this Jace more the way a god loves their creation than the way a man loves another man. Like. yeah they're suckin n fuckin but also Porter being in to the fact that jace is "so trusting" is very. Helio always has a plan and i let him take the wheel, no? He's moved by Jace's devotion. Jace will take that tho. He'll take it all.

Final point: if brennan says that anything his PCs do can become fair game for him, then same for me. If Adaine n Aelwyn can use dimension door to go to her parents house / aelwyn's apartment despite the distance, that's fair game for me to misuse it < 3. (i just think if i'd allowed for the teleport it would've made way more sense to go to someone's house. And llike. that's no fun at all

I might rb with more thoughts later to be a menace. Thank you!

[zukkacore]

I finished reading IYWD a bit ago and I can’t stop thinking bout them walking through Porter’s memories of Jace, all the different versions of him, and of Porter loving and missing each of them while Jace is right there seeing himself through Porter’s eyes and seeing how each version of him is being remembered and missed while wanting Porter to see him as he currently is and like Porter will never be able to look at Jace without seeing each other version of Jace from Porter’s perspectives and he loves him he needs him but he loved him and needed him and he loved him and needed him and loved him and needed him with each version and as they grow and the plan develops and Jace changes again and again he’ll continue to love and need Jace and every past version of Jace and I’m sorry you’ve just driven me insane with the memory walkthrough it was beautiful

HELLOOOOOO im sorry i for taking to long to reply i'm finally getting around to these bc its been A Time. ANYWAY what i wanted to say was literally thank you so so so so much you're so incredibly sweet. Taking the time to comment and send me messages, like the nicest possible thing ever and im so moved.

It's so funny b/c like loving someone as they change is like the nature of most long term relationships and yet Porter i think bc he wants Jace to be all these different things like CANT grasp it. Like porter that's just aging that's just undergoing trauma and also YOU did this. But Jace has to get SOMETHING out of it, he was literally made for porter so he has to take it. Like its such a soft story in my mind but also they're looking past each other the entire time...... And so much of the beginning & Jace being dropped in the forest like. Its all WANT. Porter wanting him, like its not even for the Plan he could get any spellcaster for that he just WANTS for the person in on the plan with him to be jace so badly. But also in a way it's also NEED because Porter already lost the old jace (he did this to himself. He did this to himself. Lost jace. he destroyed the old jace). He desperately needs this one. He can't lose this one too. And so much of the story in mind is like. Jace realizing the power he can kinda regain in realizing that Porter is going full You've Got Mail Kathleen Kelly (Evil Mode). "I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly...." And like. It's funny bc its like oh soft soft yearning longing but also in the beginning Jace is indulging in what he wants he wants to reclaim power he wants to have SOME pleasure in this relationship but also is completely. using sex as a tool to keep himself indispensable. Be so good you can't ever leave me. If he has the power to keep himself alive and invaluable maybe he has the power to get what he REALLY wants and ask porter to stay, GET porter to stay (he doesn't). And for Porter he's just so busy clinging to the past the past the past the past is when things were beautiful and glorious and true and we live in a world of decay and rot. And he wants ascension but even bringing jace on in my mind is like an admittance of his own lacking in some small way. He needs jace. But he also WANTS to to be jace. Jace needs to be needed. He wants to be wanted.

I know i've said this but like. I ALMOST cut all the memory walkthrough stuff and now im like. That would've been such a crazy choice im SO glad i stuck through it and tried to make it work. Like if it had ended as is and they were just like We Like Each Other Now that would've been so unresolved to me. The teacher one especially i was like this is stupid i don't need this im being indulgent but i also was like??? I'm being ridiculous the ratgrinders literally HAUNT the narrative of IYWD. He Took the damage for them. He hates himself for not doing more. He left bc he couldn't watch them be corrupted and destroyed. Of COURSE Porter's favorite memory of Jace is him being good with kids???? Being a well meaning but ultimately flawed teacher.... And there is something maybe forgiving of my perspective that Porter's favorite memory is also I think Jace at his most mundane. Good guy. Overworked. A little too teacher as friend. He couldn't even decide on what the right call was. Change him or not (Fix him or not. Kill him or not. Make him mine or not. Actualize him or not.). Both are enticing. Maybe he can conceive of the totality of Jace Stardiamond after all. Maybe its not just circles upon circles of literally always missing him and looking right past him. Hard to know

[j2zara]

Jace is so mean to the clones and j2 gets it hardest of all for being so good and so soft and so obedient but like. I think this is months ago I talked abt how fucked this is. but with IYWD there is this like. Devolution of Jace’s character where it starts off with him trying to renegotiate his power with power and essentially use sex as a weapon or at least reclaim some semblance of pleasure back from that relationship meanwhile by the end of it he’s contorted himself into a perfect shape for Porter. Jace is almost. Soft in IYWD. Begging Porter and telling Porter that he can do whatever he wants to him. Loving Porter to the point of invention. Porter calls him trusting. Like. Porter misses the old Jace but it took the current Jace to fold himself into someone utterly devoted and loving and willing to bend space and time for Porter to even see him, too. He was perfect. You’re perfect. Literally none of them made it out of the torment nexus. Jaceprime is still a xerox of Jace and it took rewriting the laws of the arcane for Porter to see him.