#jan.screaming

[j2zara]

j3j4 time!!!!! director's commentary for the part starting with "He says it again" and ending with "there really is something thrilling about being chased, isn’t there?"

Oh my god i asked for this, didn't I? I'm gonna interrogate my deeply horny art. Sorry I put this off for so long but again i got a little embarrassed trying to analyze my own smut and needed to take a break. This is gonna get long winded. Please bear with me.

He says it again. His voice shaky. “Punish me.” A beat. “And why would I do that?” she asks, feigning naivety. “When you’re being so good for me.”

This is gonna sound funny but. I do think there is something to like. J4 actually being kinda bad at the reward/punishment framework of like a Scene b/c she's just ultimately too soft for J3. But to be fair, she is getting something she wants in this situation. He is articulating at least something about his wants to her.

And I've joked before that LJ3 is a little jaceporter coded in that there is a slightly less hostile version but still an undercurrent of "The only time you liked yourself is when you were trying to be someone this cunt might like". And in this moment (well, just prior) he's laughing, he's happy. She likes making J3 feel good, likes herself when she's doing it. She sees herself as too ugly on the inside otherwise, too unloveable and cruel and miserable. She wants to be a person, but she feels like she's getting how to be a person wrong, unless she's with him (and its her god given right to fuck up being a person, she knows this, but part of being a person is the hope that you're doing something of meaning and this? weirdly. Is the only time she feels like she's doing something of meaning)

Anyway. There's this weird dance the two of them are doing of J3 like refusing to articulate what he wants or only doing it in half truths and J4 trying to get him to speak and giving him what he wants but only to a certain extent also those wants conflict anyway. He wants a reward. He wants punishment. he wants EVERYTHING. Is J4 refusing to give him what he wants (punishment) part of their delayed gratification game? Or is it more important to satiate the initial expression of want from earlier (touch me). And obviously, she's doing it with the mage hand so. She's giving him what he wants but there's still that element of denial. That is part of the delayed gratification game, part of the punishment, but also part of her real and genuine boundaries. Her feelings are hurt in this moment, so maybe she's not ready to touch him just yet.

she has to bite back a pathetic moan of her own [...] because he moans her name so loudly, and it makes it sound real, she sounds real, like it’s something of meaning and not just a number—she’s been fighting to be real her whole life and he just willed it into existence, just like that.

Funny b/c i just made a post abt the Eurydice vibes i felt writing this scene. Anyway I know i was a total coward and didn't commit to the Electra-Ellie-El name for J4 in this bc. As much as I personally like it (and its an @neerdowellnarrator Esme Special so thank them) and use it interchangeably i'm always scared abt adding new shit to the lore... Mainly bc idk. I feel like I don't want my decisions to carry that much weight but im also terrified of my choices being rejected. I was so scared abt that with Bluejay as well. But like it seems like everyone has really taken to it so tbh i feel less weird abt it now. Thank u Esme, go pay ur respects to them.

That being said. The other reason i wanted to hold back i guess is. I really liked the idea of J3 imbuing the name "J4" with meaning even though it's just a number just because he wants her so much, he reveres her that much. The name J4 is not inherently meaninful but he imbues it with meaning. And like. Doubly so because that's not even her hand, its through use of a tool.

And there's something so... Unfair I guess. I loved the unfairness of it. Of someone else being the one to give J4 meaning. And it being so easy. Like. She wants to feel real. But she's fought so hard to be the person who determines her own life. She strives for personhood. And J3 doesn't have to fight. He just says it and she just feels real. And that's so unfair. She wanted to be the one to do that. But she'll take it. It's why she moans too. She wants it. She's used to being difficult to love. It feels so good in this moment to be wanted, special, loved—especially for being who she is, and not as an extension of anybody.

There's also the idea of like. The follower having power over the god. Putting a name to it. So that it is Borne into existence. Belief as a form of power.

And being in his head—no wonder he is the way he is, she pities him, the incessant loneliness is abated as he’s filled, as she pushes in deeper, all the other swimming thoughts are vanished completely, he simply wants someone to touch him, wants her to touch him, wants that hand to be hers so badly, in his head she’s right there with him—

There's so much like. J3 being like Jace, being like J2, wanting to amalgamate into one perfect being energy here to me. In the like. Being filled in a sexual way but also like also the. spiritual way i guess? I think thats the one thing that i can't picture J4 wanting that the the others secretly or not so secretly desire. Like. On some level they want someone, porter especially, to take over and like. ALmost live their life for them. Or Be with them always. They want that level of closeness and intimacy, and they maybe even want to abdicate their own responsibility. And. As exhausted as J4 is i do think she understands the appeal in that but she still would resist.

There's also J3 and his like. Use of touch and sex to like. Shortcut intimacy while also being terrified of vulnerability. As like. Connective tissue with Biggest Lie, J3 is always telling himself he doesn't need intimacy, he's better without it while also craving it so badly. And then being afraid to ask for it. So like. He wants to be touched, he wants to bridge a gap, he is so lonely and ignored all the time.

And this is part of a recurring thing of like. It's hard for J4 to tell if he wants her or wants someone. Most of the time, when we get in j3's head, there is a little bit of both and so im always leaving it ambiguous. However, I said this before, obviously ppl are free to read it as they like, but i do belief J4's self hatred makes her a bit of an unreliable narrator. Yes, there are thoughts of broad loneliness in j3's head, of wanting someone not just her, but as much as wanting someone vs. wanting her are both thoughts in j3's head, it usually ends up coming back to her. He wants intimacy, not just with anyone, but with J4. it's why he's always picturing her in his head when all he's getting is the mage hand.

She’s still slow, still teasing, she’s enjoying making him come undone and all without touching him, getting right into the rhythm she knows can make him keen like fucking animal, and then he does—it’s not quite the same, but she’s getting the hang of it, and he really needs to get out of her head, because she wants it, too. She wants it to be her. She wants to give him everything.

I think the like. J3 and J4 understanding each other really well thing is very present here. I call it Homophrosyne which was coined to refer to Penelope and Odysseus, when two people think alike. Like. There's the irony of J4 saying J3 should get out of her head when she's the one reading his mind. And her also craving intimacy with him.

I also think this is an LJ3 + Jaceporter parallel. J3 and Porter as people who are ravenous, they want everything. J4 and Jace as the person they truly want most of all yet are always looking past. You are all I want. You will never be enough. And that's where J4's doubt always comes in. How could she truly satiate someone who wants everything?

But the reversal could also be true. We could see J4 as Luxury Sex Object Prison Coded Porter. As a god who wants to bestow all the best onto her favorite worshipper. So he never has to want for anything else every again. (maybe in a way that is selfish on the part of the god. That way, they can truly monopolize the mind of their saint. Be the only thing they will ever need)

Like what you see? he asks, mouth slightly agape as he makes eye contact with her—the intensity of it knocking the wind out of her. Somehow even when he submits, the pull he has on her, it’s unreal. Not a message. A thought. “Yes…” she breathes before she can help herself. Dawning horror, and then, “Do—Do you want me out of your head? “Nah. I like being double-penetrated.” [...]“You are such a freak,” says J4, but she can brave running her nails along the underside of his thigh. He notices, too, gasps.

Again this is like. Calling attention to the IYWD thing of like. The relationship between god and follower being a two way street. The follower has power over the god just like the god has power over the follower. The person submitting having power over the one in control. Which is very like. J4 kryptonite. She wants to have control over her own life, and when she's with J3 she feels weak, not in control, like his mere existence has power over her.

Again, I think there's like. More homophrosyne, or J3 understanding J4. In that he knew that J4 was using detect thoughts on him the whole time. And J4's reaction being. Like. She truly does believe in personal autonomy, so she does feel terrible and guilty about this violation that she was willing to commit. (A violation that is. To take. To invade. Something she is afraid aligns herself with porter, with everything she hates)

And. Ok. I do think the DP joke is funny. Like. I will give myself that. I'm silly but i do think it's clever. This does kinda go in line with my like. I love when J3 is filthy but in my mind he's also the funniest clone and this kinda goes with that. But also, he's not lying. J3 seeks out everything. He is into everything. He wants it all before he goes. And as much as he gets off on being told he's gross and disgusting and he can make jokes about it, a part of him is truly worried those desires are too dark, too unpalatable, they make him too unlovable. J4 does affirm he is a freak as lot, like, half joking, but to me that's not condemnation. It's like. instead of being like "oh no don't worry you're so normal <3" it's like. I love you amidst all your flaws. Because of them. You don't need to be perfect. You are a perverse, but there is nothing wrong with being perverse.

“Would it make you smug if I said you do this better than He does?” “Maybe a little.”  The best part? She knows he means it, too. She'll do anything for him after this.

Listen. I love when LJ3 is good for each other but i love when they're a little bit fucked up. Like. The ambiguity of whether they can escape the narrative!!! They should be able to exist on their own terms!!! They willed this, they chose this, they want each other intentionally, but also. This is such a tie-in to Biggest Lie as well. Because in that, J3 gets off on the idea that Porter thinks he's better than Jace. And here, J4 gets off on the idea that she's better than Porter. Like. It always has to come back to invoking jaceporter. They get off on the idea of transcending their creators, but is that true escape? For them to always be tethered to Jaceporter?

There's also this like. Thing about. Porter wanting to be the center of Jace's world. Remaking jace in his image. Wanting to be Jace's one and only. And is this instinct, this desire for J4, to dominate J3's mind, monopolize it, be the only one for him. Is it Of Porter?

Gonna skip some of the stuff that's just plainly horny that i don't have much commentary on... I will say, her kissing the corner of his mouth and finally getting him off is like. AFTER the "Being better than Porter" confession which is so funny like it takes that for them to broach the intimacy. For her to fulfill her desire and give him what he wants. And like. Nice? Or fucked up? who is to say.

“Come on then,” says J4, flashing him a wink over her shoulder before turning away again. She beckons him forward with the Mage Hand as a final act before it is dispelled. Once in the bedroom, she lays herself upon her master’s comforter, her legs spread. Waiting. The creak of the door being pushed open tells her that J3 is quick to follow her, and J4 smiles to herself. Then he’s on the bed, and the sight of him on his knees, crawling toward her makes her heart skip a beat. She likes to think of herself as the kind of person who takes action, but there really is something thrilling about being chased, isn’t there?

I do like J4 reclaiming a bit of her power here. Like I know she's femdomming for a lot of this but i feel like in her mind she very much perceives herself to be on the backfoot. The wink feels like a moment where she is truly confident.

But also! The willing reversal! J4 usually being the one to act, to take control, and that's seen as an act of power in most ways, but also, it's to perform labor for someone else. The person who commands the attention, who doesn't even have to lift a finger. Do they not have power in their way? And J4 is exhausted. And she wants to be the one to will her own destiny. But that means she's always the one doing the work. Like she has to fight to have her personhood even recognized. And maybe. A part of her wants to be loved simply for who she is.

And so. In this, she wants to be pursued! Especially after so long feeling like a second choice, feeling abandoned when J3 left her for Porter. She's used to him running, returning. Very Orphydice / Persephades. Very Eurydice joining Hades in the underworld.

("Whatever happened. I'm to blame" / "no!" / "You called my name" / "You came!")

She gets to be the god, the one who is worshipped instead of the worshipper. Instead of the sacrifice. (Mr. Hades is a mighty king... seems like he owns everything / kinda makes you wonder how it feels).

On a personal note. I want that for her so bad. She deserves it. She deserves to be pursued. Loved for who she is. But also. J4 wants to be her own person so badly. And yet isn't the desire to be pursued, to be chased? Isn't that so unabashedly Of Jace? Here they are, defying the narrative. Carving out their own future. But are they? Have they transcended the Starbreaker Pantheon? Or are they doomed to repeat the cycle? Are they going to make it?

("Do you trust each other? Do you trust yourselves?" / "We do" / "well listen, brother / if you wanna walk out of hell / you're gonna have to prove it before gods and men / can you do that?" / "We can" / "a'ight! Time to go" / "Mr. Hermes?" / "Yes?" / "Its not at trick?" / "No. / It's a test")

("Do you trust each other? Do you trust yourselves?" / "We do")

[j2zara]

With the additional context of how much the clones have been fucked over I do think that makes jaceporter a lot more despicable in the reframing of IYWD than what it was when I first wrote the thing and maybe I messed up by staining what I saw as something like. Fucked and tragic yes but ultimately somewhat soft and almost romantic (it’s funny bc now I view IYWD as soft when at the time I was so preoccupied I wasn’t clear cut enough abt it being a tragedy). But also like I’m sick and twisted so a part of me likes that their reunion now is still this like borderline romantic thing that obliterates all else. They are evil and are they still worthy of our attention? Of our sympathy? The clones were nothing but an offhand joke at the time and now that jaceporter are together despite the clones now having lives and stories of their own, in the face of the jaceporter pantheon back to an offhand joke they remain. There is nothing else. They were always going to be It for each other.

[j2zara]

The funny thing is. I may have already talked about this but. J2 becoming The Acolyte of the clones was so process of discovery in Almost. Bc the original final chapter didn’t actually involve devil’s honey, it was just. J2 sleeping with Porter taking on this role of embodying Jace. And I knew going into Almost that Porter was always going to discard J2 for Jace, bc that’s how the timeline just had to work. But I also knew that for any semblance of peace in my fucking brain, that I wanted there to be some reprieve to the total tragedy that is his ending and. The only way I could really imagine that was him convincing himself that he was ok with the outcome. So in his mantra that he takes on while he’s on Devil’s Honey, “I want this. I want everything. Porter deserves everything”, really, the reason for that was for J2 to become at peace with being replaced, or one in a flock, or being completely disposable. But I was always somewhat conscious that there was a parallel to the internal logic of someone who is devoutly religious (at least, from my limited Christian background). It’s like. J2 relinquishing control of his fate. Very religious. J2 being ok with being a tool or instrument to channel the miracles for his beloved. Again, very religious. J2 being ok with being one of many, and in fact encouraging and welcoming the idea of a growing flock. J2 comparing sharing Porter to like, sharing his light with others. J2 accepting that if Porter wants Jace more than him, then it’s not his call. All! Religious!

[j2zara]

okay. i'm shameless eheh <3 from stay/leave how about the section that starts:

"Ok," says J4, giving him a soft peck on the lips. "Then take what you want." to... “Oh, don’t stop. Tell me that I’m yours. Please. Please, I want to be yours—”

Reminder to self: I asked for this. I asked to have my deeply horny art scrutinized.

"Ok," says J4, giving him a soft peck on the lips. "Then take what you want."

Ok so throughline from Biggest Lie to Stay/leave is like. J3 being unwilling to articulate his own wants. And honestly i do think sometimes i corner myself with that self imposed constraint when i don't think j3 has to be THAT fuckin dire all the time. It made writing biggest lie so hard ngl bc i felt like i was really boxing myself in to what J3 and Porter could say (esp bc Porter also has the self imposed constraint of everything he says has to be doublespeak that invokes jace) making their dialogue feel kind of. Broad or impersonal and then i was like. Fuck it the inadequacy is the point.

And Stay/Leave is very similar. Like. It's clear that J3 wants J4, but it's always couched in this language of like. Use me. Do what you want to me. My body is some use to you. He refuses to be active, to pursue (he caves just the once earlier when he kisses J4) and that's due to that detachment he has from his own identity that he takes on when he's with Porter. And frankly, the role he takes on as a Body on the entire like. jaceporter + jaceclone team, a replacement jace that is not special the way J2 is special. And like.

This refusal to articulate what he wants also picks at j4's insecurity and frustration as well. Because in his refusal to state, he's also refusing to state that he wants her. Specifically. So there's this eternal question of like. Is he filling a void or is he seeking J4 out. Backtracking a little but that's what this confession resolves twofold:

"But... But I want you," he says through a pout, voice high and reedy. "I want all of you."

At the same time. Circling back. There is this like. Preoccupation with the concept of Taking that is very Of Porter and that's why it balks against J4 so much. On the one hand she wants J3 to be active, on the other hand, she's repulsed by her own instincts to conquer and own and take that she feels are mirrors to the god/man she hates.

But maybe there's something in her that is. Like. Still drawn to porter. In that there's the good instinct to push J3 to voice how he feels and what he wants. And maybe the additional instinct to push him to Take. To fight. Maybe even to claim her.

At the same time, i do think its mostly in the right place. She gives him permission or submits or signals like yes that's what i want, its like, a communicated dynamic its not like he's acting unprovoked. Like. On some level i think there's a lot that indicates j3 and j4 are doomed to be their counterparts, be products of their creators but also maybe they are enlightened, can evolve past jaceporter. Transcend them.

A surprise. J3 chases her, eager for her lips again and pulling her in for a deep kiss of gratitude 

Someone already asked abt the "there's something thrilling about being chased part so i'll save the main convo for that but. Yeah. The desire to be chased is very much Of Jace. And J4 wants to be the kind of person who fights for what she wants, and she wants to establish herself as distinct from jace, but she also wants to be chased. chosen.

I'll also just like. Mention the fact that these gremlins kiss so goddamn much in this fic and it became a point where I had to make a comment abt it ("Another one? You're insatiable."). Sometimes when i feel like something is becoming a problem or a repetitive in a fic my solution is to establish it as a pattern instead. A string of data points. Tbh i do think i overdo it with the kissing but what can i say. Its good! I like when characters kiss!

I also think there is something. abt the connotations to both "a peck" and "a deep kiss". Like a peck is sweet, chaste, and a deep kiss i think conveys like. An intensity that is like. Sincere and maybe even romantic? So its like. Breaking away from vulgarity, or the tendency of J3 to like. use sex as a cope, at least to me. Especially for him, this is him being honest for once.

I also like. Won't cite the line abt him riding dick but I'll add it's like. Him being active here instead of J4 doing all the work. Progress!

She's fucked him to get him out of his head before, but it's nothing like this, it's all just desperation to be taken, to lose himself, he wants to be fucked into the mattress until he forgets where he is, he wants to hear her shudder, wants to be striped with her cum, be as disgusting on the outside as he feels all the time.

Something something time to overthink about sex. Here we go. I think there's like. Contrasting wants from J3's mind that refuse to give J4 clarity on her insecurity of "missed me? or missed this?" Like. J3 wants to forget himself like always, he's using sex as a distraction to fill the emptiness, but there is some specificity, reference to J4 and wanting some sort of stamp of ownership or defilement from her.

And there's a continual contrast between. How J3 and J4 view themselves vs. how they view the other. Like to me, j3 considers J4 to be disciplined, principled, maybe even enlightened, as opposed to himself, someone who is base and impulsive and weak and disgusting, a rat in an experiment pressing a button over and over just to experience pleasure at the risk of pain. As in Biggest Lie, he really wants to experience everything, including things he thinks might be dark or unpalatable, things he's afraid to voice because he thinks nobody would look at him the same. Hence why the mentioning of wanting to be as disgusting on the outside as he is inside.

(I know there's a big emphasis on J3 being disgusting and a creep and a freak in Stay/Leave, and to me the culmination of that is like, rather than J4's feelings being like. "no you're not" its like, even if you are, that's ok, being perverse is honestly ok, you don't need to be perfect, i want all of you, not just the parts that make you Cool Girl, easy to love—"I'll take it all" etc)

(She thinks she understands that, if she's doomed, base, nothing more than a feral animal desperate to gnaw herself free of the trap she was born into, then she can drag him down, too. She spends every waking moment aching to rip someone's throat out with her teeth, but she'll take this instead.)

By comparison. J4 considers J3 to be charismatic and adaptable and silvertongued, unlike her who is selfish and offputting and miserable and controlling and violent and weak to her own impulses. And like, his impulses are like. Gluttony. Lust. Hers are wrath, pride. I liked this idea of their feelings continually mirroring each other to show how similar they were, and I do think J4 considers herself to be weak, a failure, in contrast to J3 who thinks of her as strong. So like. In my mind i was searching for the thing that makes HER base and to me that was something very animalistic and violent, like the pure urge to survive or to hurt others.

(And I do think they're both reflections of Cunty Jace in that way. Like J3 can has aspects of jace's manipulativeness, his aversion to connection, and J4 has jace's anger, alienation, cruelty, desire for power, especially in his post-shatterstar state. I think getting in her head kinda masks the fact that from the outside, she comes across as very prideful because she wants to escape, she thinks she's above it all, more enlightened than the rest. I think at first that was more true, and. by this point, with their numbers potentially up, she's more desperate and resigned)

The want is all consuming—J3 is a black hole who craves, and J4 matches his intensity, she wants, too, wants to give him everything, if he's finally well fucked and contented for once in his life, maybe there will be no more Him, no more chasing a God who is perpetually turned away—he deserves that, right? (She can't find Him anywhere in there, but that's what the black hole is, right? Being made to love Porter Cliffbreaker four times over? It always, always comes back to Him, even her rage, her hatred.)

Ok. I'd tag you in if this wasn't already an ask from you b/c i don't think this is AS MUCH of a Porter Haunts the Narrative story as "maybe i'm using you / maybe we're using you" but the vibes are very much there sometimes that Porter haunts the narrative. And. PERSONALLY. I think J4's self hatred makes her a little bit of an unreliable narrator, in her insistence that J3 could never want her, that he's just filling a void left by Porter, but i also think there's enough ambiguity that my feelings don't matter, an argument could be made that she is correct here.

Like. She's SEARCHING for Porter in J3's thoughts and Porter isn't there, it's all just her, and she still finds a way to make it about Porter. The absence of Porter is about Porter. And like. Maybe so? Jace was remade in Porter's image, his world is porter. Like. J3's black hole could be about Porter, but J4's inability to let Porter go, her hatred of him, her rage specifically is so Of Porter, but even need to be rid of Porter is about Porter. The line "four times over" is specifically about that too, how its not just J3 that can't let go of Porter, its her as well. Her determination to be the antithesis of Porter still makes him the thesis.

And like. I do think there's something that is kind of Of Porter that J4 feels this need to drive out Porter and be the Only One for J3. She cares for him so much so she just wants him to be happy, and she's convinced this impulse in her to claim him is kind of selfish and too reminiscent of Porter and. Who knows. Maybe she has transcended Porter, maybe she is simply Of Porter.

And is the desire to be rid of Porter something that is for her benefit or for J3's? He was made to love Porter Cliffbreaker after all. She knows how miserable the self denial of Porter is because that's what she does for herself. And I do think the "he deserves that—right?" is like. From J4 that is very tenderhearted and sincere but i think the darker undercurrent to that is luxury sex object prison coded. What if i could give you everything you ever wanted? Not, what if you could have everything you could ever want. What i could be the person who could give that to you.

And again, is that instinct Of Porter or does she transcend him? I do think what makes J4 better is her belief in J3's personhood. She's disgusted by her impulse to control people and determine whats best for them. Maybe in the bad timeline j4 would be anakin skywalker "well i could always make them" meme coded but not today.

“Oh, say I’m yours.” She can feel him pull her in closer so that her face is pressed into his neck—like he's trying to will it into existence. He's hers—gods, she likes the sound of that, she's close just thinking about it.

"Like he's trying to will it into existence" is very much a callback to i think... the thing i said TWICE, once in IYWD and once in Almost? If its not a direct quote it's an idea. I think in IYWD its:

he wants to disappear entirely and transcend himself, become one perfect being

and in Almost it's

maybe they will amalgamate together, become one perfect being. Porter is good at reconstituting people into himself, he can see it, he can feel it, he’s done it before

Um. And in Biggest lie there's a little bit of that too. When j3 is being choked out he refers to the shatterstar as the incident that "Bound together two souls", and when he and porter kiss face to face, he enjoys "being intertwined"

Like. Again this is an inability to escape Jaceporter. I think even when their instincts are good and their feelings are sincere and earnest and tender for each other its like. Still that feeling of wanting to be owned, intertwined, bound, subsumed. Subsumed is especially very J3.

He says it again, somehow managing between all the moans and the shudders, he’s practically sobbing as he chokes out—“Oh, don’t stop. Tell me that I’m yours. Please. Please, I want to be yours—”

J3 wants to belong to someone even if its not porter because that's the only way he can conceive of love, of what he can do with himself, still has a hard time perceiving himself as a person, but i do think there is something very. Sweet, nevertheless about it being her.

And I do think there is a beat of. Character progress for him because even though this is the best he can do, he's going against what his default nature is. His default nature would be to want Porter most, be with Porter, passively accept that he's good with Porter, because Porter serves his needs best and j3 was made to love him, J3 is very path of least resistance coded Jace. So he's making a conscious choice here, and maybe even making the harder choice. He wants to defy his destiny—just like J4 does. And he's expressing it out loud as a want of his own, which is all very big deal for him.

Actually, I'm going to do a brief shoutout to Darling b/c I think the scene of Porter recollecting abt their like. First time after he resurrected and Jace is like "mine, mine, you came back to me" was so striking to me. Sorry to Pilfer. Im a man of many influences of works far greater than I. I hope it's not too much of a derivative thing :'). I genuinely think for J3j4 the reversal is way more true to their characters than if J4 had said "you're mine"

Like. I'll just touch on the fact that j4's response is "Wh-What?" and she isn't able to fulfill his request at all in that like. I think she's too thrown by his question due to her self hatred. Like. she's been telling herself this whole time that he's just lonely, so proof he wants her specifically punctures that belief. But also, And the other emotion beyond disbelief to me is reluctance due to her aversion toward her own impulse to Own. Even though she does want it. She wants to own him. Which. After all that about J3 using his words, there's that small reversal of J4 being unable to put a voice to what she wants instead.

There was an earlier version of the draft that included something i've kinda vaguely pitched in convo of like. J3 begging her to leave him—specifically saying "I want to hear you say you're going to leave me". as like. This doublespeak thing of like genuine self hatred and degradation and also like this more earnest belief that she deserves better than this life. And I still fucking love the J3j4 thesis of like. J4 telling him that Jace is the saint and J2 is the precious gift (and she's the lost cause) but he's the only good thing to come out of this fucked up situation. Anyway. I still love that sentiment but that got axed bc I felt like to resolve all that I was very very tempted to do Memory Doorway Detect Thoughts thing and just did not have the bandwidth to write out a bunch of memories to prove my point.

As self hating as "I want to hear you say you're going to leave me" is, that would be saying he cares for her enough to let her go (which i do think he has that capacity, just not for this ending), which would affirm J4's response of "no i'm staying". A good sentiment but not the ending for this story i think.

There's also the fact that. To me this is also almost. Too resolved? Like. J4 still doesn't have the answer to their problem. I like the ambiguity of "Are they going to make it out of the torment nexus". And even if they physically escape the torment nexus, can they really transcend the torment nexus (the torment nexus that is Being Of Jace and Porter). When J4 says she's a slave to impulse, that she likes being Here, with j3, that's about her dragging her feet to return to her research and find a solution, but its also about her staying in a bad situation just b/c she would rather stay with him. (very. Blow all my friendships to sit in hell with you)

And to me. "i'm yours" is like. there is that kind of like Orphydice to parallel Persephades thing of like coming back for someone or looking back in a way that dooms them both. Like to me, J3 is asking J4 to look back in that moment, giving J4 what he wants by finally putting a voice to his desires, and choosing her. Even if it dooms them both, (traps them both in the underworld), and even if its a little selfish, he wants to know that he is loved.

(Eurydice, dying now a second time, uttered no complaint against her husband. What was there to complain of, but that she had been loved?)

(Like Orpheus, I can't help but look back at what I want)

(or as is the conceit in Portrait of a Lady on Fire, it's Eurydice telling Orpheus, "turn around").

(Wasn't it gonna be the two of us? weren't we birds of a feather?)

And frankly. Looking back at someone despite yourself. Returning to them time after time. Is very Jaceporter. So like. Can they escape the narrative? Will they make it? Are they doomed? As they exist right now, unable to leave, are they making a life together on the stairs? J4 doesn't answer but she's there. That's an answer.

[j2zara]

oooo so for the directors cut meme, from biggest lie: everything from He’s not sure if he’s all that bought in on this Plan—being committed is more of J2’s thing, and he doesn’t know if the aversion to fealty is him or The Boss, but he doesn’t care. to And yet he pushed. Because he’s J3. He can’t help but play with fire.

OOOOH what a choice. ANYWAY THANKS FOR THIS i was hesitant to even do directors cuts for Biggest Lie and my latest b/c they were so shameless in their aims (um. Being horny). But seeing you do it gave me permission to cave. Ok. Letsa go...

Let's start here:

(He’s not sure if he’s all that bought in on this Plan—being committed is more of J2’s thing, and he doesn’t know if the aversion to fealty is him or The Boss, but he doesn’t care. But he gets how Bluejay feels about gods, the power of names. He was never brought up religious—ha—but he thinks, the Porter right here with him? He could be worthy of Ascension.)

Apologies. I'm gonna start with the Name Thing. I'm gonna backtrack slightly actually n cheat (please forgive omissions) b/c it feels relevant:

and that’s all it takes for J3 to say, “Porter,” instantly repulsed by his own longing / “Gods, Porter.”

Ok. So this when I was writing felt very much like an echo to Almost. Specifically chapter 6. Bluejay thinks this:

“Porter.” Even in his fear, he can’t stop the longing in his voice. And he can assert that he likes Porter—he chose Porter—all day, but it’s just. It’s Jace. It’s always Jace. Jace is why he was brought here. Jace is why he is here. Jace is the reason why Porter always feels so warm, so familiar. Why it's so easy to believe in his radiance, his might.

And to me, these are sister scenes. Both J2 and J3 having similar reactions to the power behind porter's name, the pull he has on them that feels almost unwilling, it feels Of Jace. J2's reaction due fear, and J3's. it could be him, the lack of ownership of this thoughts, but it could also due to him being the commitmentphobe coded jace. Maybe that reaction is also not his, y'know? And even J3 is aware of this, and decides he doesn't care. J2 changes a lot over the course of Almost and for a while he was unnerved by the lack of ownership he had over his own psyche, but J3 is willing to strip himself of that identity. Made a decision to cave to all ofJace's impulses because he's only here for so long, right? If it feels good, why try to fight it (like J4).

And names being so vital when it comes to Ascension. Again, the compare / contrast to almost. Is the reason J3 is so willing to buy into Porter's plan because he is Of Jace? Or is it something that is so unique to him, in that its something that was sold to him due to their chemistry? And Porter's physicality (Unlike J2, j3 says "the feeling in his hand? That's Porter.). J3 wants the height of every sensation and b/c he's hard wired to want porter, he gets the best from Porter. And J3 the worshipper of pleasure, of sensation, so the best of the best is the closest he feels to understanding holiness.

But also obviously the power of names is also about Bluejay being imbued with a sense of identity when Porter named him. Like. J3 is ambivalent on the plan b/c he's always been the disposable one, he didn't have J2's pseudo religious torrid romance of an experience, but also. J3 doesn't have Jace's religious upbringing, but also. There was a time when Jace wasn't religious either.

OK. Next paragraph.

He spent the night at Porter’s once. J3’s not there nearly as often as J2 used to, it’s no second home to him like it ever was to J2. But it was a respite from having to share a space with three other versions of himself. He’d teleported over in the middle of the night—J2 was fast asleep on the couch, looking so small wrapped up in that blanket, always cold. And he wonders, if J2 hadn’t been there, would he have been reminded of the thing he'd said once about Detect Thoughts. About using it when they were together. He didn't know the guy had it in him. Mentioned to him just once, shyly, like J2 was embarrassed or something, yet his expression revealed a deep resolve. It was important to him, for some stupid reason, to have this, have that moment. He’d always found J2 deeply pitiable, too caring—yet was grateful to not be the one who took the brunt of their master’s rage even as he had to be, no, got to be Porter’s right hand.

Ok. I guess I'm gonna take this all at once? This is more of a comedy ha ha than like real intent but like it was like. nowhere textually in Almost yet so Clear in my mind that while Porter was having this whole like tortured love affair with J2 he was absolutely noncommittally flirting with J3 on the side which started as a joke but also basically became the impetus for J3's whole personality. I will say i do think this is not a During Almost scene tho this flashback takes place after jace has been folded back into the plan, and like. Porter is still KINDA with J2 but its very up in the air. And this idea of. J2 having this place by Porter's side, and J3 resenting that. But also convincing himself that he lucked out by not having to deal with attachment.

(there's also something i realized that implies this makes Jace. Less special to J3 than he is to J2. Because Porter's rage is special to J3, something he seeks out, but Jace's is. Not something J3 is all that compelled by.)

Anyway. So.... I caved and included the Detect Thoughts Sex Trick in j3porter even tho i keep saying im not gonna use the Detect Thoughts Sex Trick. But I think. The point to me was like. Maybe i wanted to shake things up, i wanted to challenge myself, but maybe I also just knew the detect thoughts sex trick would be WAY to vulnerable for someone like J3.

And like. While conceptualizing this fic, I felt confident because he's a person who wants to experience EVERYTHING, so i knew he would at least want to try it once, even though he thinks its so funny and like. I jokingly refer to it as "pseudo vanilla" bc its like a way to heighten a scene and then i just end up not including any kink b/c im a coward. And like. J3 also probably would be like Haha j2 that's so vanilla. Meanwhile J2 views it at this deeply moving experience for him.

Maybe like Porter’s darling Bluejay, he wanted too much. Porter had taken his sweet time with him that night, in the dim light of the bedside table lamp, drawing out the pleasure to the point of torment—had even treated him gently, his touch imbued with reverence. And in that, in the quiet cries and soft, sacred hushed whispers and moans, just before a hand clamped over his mouth to tell him to keep the noise down, he’d caved to temptation—as usual—and casted the spell.

There's this idea of J3 being afraid to sit with himself. Afraid to sit in his own thoughts. He's always going, always moving, always seeking out the next hit. When J3 is asked to sit with himself, its torturous. And he affirms that he wants everything from Porter, all his desire and all his rage, he wants to feel everything, but J3 is constantly running away from Porter's love. Because who is it for? It's for Jace. And he's willing to take everything else that's for jace, but

J2 is desperate to capture that for himself because a just a glimmer of the full scope of Porter's love for jace is all he's keeping himself going on, but J3 is running away from it. ( "it feels so good to be Jace, so excruciating to be Jace, to fall short of Jace"). It's easy to accept the negatives and its easy to subsume yourself to sensation, but it's hard to accept love when its real. And it hurts to receive that love when you know its not really for you. Both prospects are scary, painful. So J3 denies both and convinces himself he got the luck of the draw.

I liked the idea just for the sake of some variety of J3 trying it just to know. His lack of belief in his own impulse control always becomes this self fulfilling prophecy. (And i think J2 is perturbed by his lack of control than surrenders to it, J4 tries to white knuckle grip on control and is disgusted by her impulses, but also disgusted by the strength in her conviction when it comes to control. She's fucked lol. and J3 tells himself he never had control)I think there's also a degree of jealousy as well (I mean, J2 gets to be darling Bluejay, right? J3 is the disposable one, and J2 is the precious gift. Why should j2 have something that J3 can't have?)

He remembers what he’d been doing at the time, too. Staring out the window at the splintered, charred up tree in Porter’s backyard, the one with a jagged red scar running right through the trunk, practically glowing—captivated despite trying to succumb to the feeling of Porter’s teeth sinking into his neck, disappear into every slow thrust. He’d asked about the tree once, gotten brushed off—something about a fight. The fight, he would later find out, the one that drove The Boss and the Big Guy apart. But everything else he knew, he'd picked up secondhand from J2. Left out as always.

IYWD reference! Obviously that's the reference to the fight porter and Jace had where Jace fried the pomegranate tree. I know writers who use subtext and they're all cowards. There's that hades and Persephone reference, and I do think b/c of the cultural meshing of the stories some biblical connotations as well. Eating the fruit and caving to temptation. And the hades n Persephone take is about like. Choosing Porter. (what will you do when it is your turn in the field with the god?) Like. J3 is running from connection and in that moment he wants to understand porter, maybe even be doomed by him.

And the biblical connotation is like. Eating the fruit of knowledge and becoming aware, and that also being the sin that condemns you. And i think that second connotation is leaned on in the second half because it's about j3 feeling left out of something that is sacred.

And yet he pushed. Because he’s J3. He can’t help but play with fire.

MMM last line! Kind of honing in on J3's role as like. An agitator. I think default i tend to characterize him as passive and to a degree he definitely is. But also he will provoke if it gets an intense response because that is what he craves. He wants everything before he goes out. Playing with fire as this like. Experience that falls into that, its self-destructive and yet J3 careens towards destruction. There's also the connotation of fire and prometheus, like associations with the like. Beginning of humanity or civilization like the beginning of the use of tools or whatever and the thing that condemned prometheus, so again there's that connotation of being condemned by knowledge.

And of course also a lot of association with fire in the season with ankarna and rage and war and the house of sunstone etc etc.

To finish off. i knew the flashback on the Detect Thoughts Sex Trick was going in somewhere, but fought over where i wanted it to go and i think i knew it had to happen kind of early to establish what exactly j3 is running away from. I think i chose here because this is right before the scene where j3 goes "I want" and then swallows and rescinds that want, denying his own personhood. And lets be real. In that moment what he wants is dick, but i always like to like. Tie things in so. There's also a denier of the deeper thing he wants as well. And like. That's intimacy. That's history.

SO. i know this elaboration is a big. Indulgent but b/c this is the precursor to the big Detect Thoughts I Want Song. I'll add that. i caved and used the Detect Thoughts Sex Trick but i am still impressed with my restraint this time. Sometimes the discovery of what the characters Want comes through the process but because I spent so much time in Bluejay's head, and J3 was the result of a joke yet felt so like. Clear to me as an iteration on J2. Like. I did think about what J3's version of J2's like deep need for belonging and purpose is. And to me for someone who wants to cram all the high and low extremes into life and then die in an explosion is like. What they're running from like. All the mundanities of living a long life, its history, its building a future. Which is why J3 runs away from the intensity of Detect Thoughts Sex trick. It's why he insists nothing has to change. J2 was enamored with Porter the god, but J3 is too scared to ask for Porter the man.

[j2zara]

I did kinda purposely spare J2 from a lot of Porter’s wrath in Almost. I don’t know. Part of it was for practical reasons, I just really liked the internal logic created when J2 was this precious, treasured thing bc Jace was gone. And therefore, Porter was always careful with J2 the way he wasn’t always with Jace. And in that circumstance, I almost get why J2 is weird about Porter. But I do think there is a part of me that wanted to give J2 something truly good even if it didn’t last. It was incomplete and imperfect and full of compromises and fuckin haunted because Porter was looking past him all the time. But it was also kind of good.

[j2zara]

Jace is so mean to the clones and j2 gets it hardest of all for being so good and so soft and so obedient but like. I think this is months ago I talked abt how fucked this is. but with IYWD there is this like. Devolution of Jace’s character where it starts off with him trying to renegotiate his power with power and essentially use sex as a weapon or at least reclaim some semblance of pleasure back from that relationship meanwhile by the end of it he’s contorted himself into a perfect shape for Porter. Jace is almost. Soft in IYWD. Begging Porter and telling Porter that he can do whatever he wants to him. Loving Porter to the point of invention. Porter calls him trusting. Like. Porter misses the old Jace but it took the current Jace to fold himself into someone utterly devoted and loving and willing to bend space and time for Porter to even see him, too. He was perfect. You’re perfect. Literally none of them made it out of the torment nexus. Jaceprime is still a xerox of Jace and it took rewriting the laws of the arcane for Porter to see him.