#i'm tired of having a body every day i'm in pain and fear stress will trigger a cardiac dysrhythmia

[sungtaro]

need today to b over

[moonydustx]

The night cook.

masterlist | requests here

Summary: Insomnia has struck one of the crew and Sanji is willing to find out. Meanwhile, you try to deal with your fear as best you can.

Warnings: I don't know, mention of clowns maybe (yes, exactly what you're thinking).

Word count: 1.4k

Pairing: OPLA!Sanji x F!Reader.

A/N: I have a new obsession and I need to write more and more. I watched the series in one day and now I'm racing against time to catch up with the anime (and soon move on to the manga). It has not been proofread so I apologize for possible errors.

Part 2 here

Sanji was starting to get stressed.

Despite the short time he had been part of the crew, he already knew where he belonged: the kitchen. He could spend hours there and felt comfortable. But something bothered him. Every morning, some fruit always appeared cut, food scraps in the trash, his knives disorganized. He wouldn't look for trouble right away, but he was aware of every move.

Your steps dragged to the kitchen, after another bad night's sleep. The dark circles under his eyes were visible from afar, as was his bad mood.

"Good morning madame! Glad you joined us today for coffee." Sanji caught your attention, placing your plate in front of you.

"Good morning sunshine, your mood seems to brighten the day." Zoro teased you, only earning an eye roll.

You stared at the food in front of you. They looked appetizing, but hunger seemed to be nowhere in your body. You rolled them from one side to the other, without removing any pieces, while heard the others talking in the distance.

"Everything is fine?" The cook's voice caught your attention, a quick glance was enough to realize that the others had already eaten their meals. "Sorry to say ma'am, but you look tired."

"It's okay Ji. I'm just discouraged." You stand up, handing the plate back to him. "They look delicious, but I'm out of food, I'm sorry."

"Nothing to apologize for, my sweet. I heard that if you eat with a full stomach, or in your case without hunger, you can't enjoy the food and the last thing I want is for you to not like one of my dishes ." He leaned on the table, watching you.

"That's impossible. I could eat anything you make, as long as it's you making it."

It had been a while since the two of you exchanged small gestures, small flirtations. Unlike most other women, you weren't bothered by what he said. You felt seen, admired like never before, even though you knew he would say that to a thousand others. Plus, it was fun to see him shy with your answers.

"So... What can I do special for you today. Choose and I'll do it."

"Surprise me!"

You left it in the kitchen and if you looked back, you could see it lost in your image. None of the other beauties would be like that beauty, her beauty. Even though he was still lost, Sanji tried to regain his thoughts, thinking about the perfect lunch.

You got caught up in the tasks on the boat, all to keep the tiredness out of your body. Despite having heard the call for lunch you decided to postpone it, as well as dinner.

When you returned to bathe, you could see that everyone had retired to their rooms. Even with the most comfortable clothes, the coziest sheet and the cool sea breeze coming through the window, it only took a few minutes of sleep for you to wake up sweating, scared.

You were tired of it would be another wasted night. You got up and went towards the kitchen, since sleep didn't decide to appear that night, hunger had already taken its place and a salad would go well at that moment.

You gathered some radishes to cut and a few slices later, you felt the knife against your skin and was scared.

"So you're the cook for the night!" Sanji spoke suddenly.

Before you could curse him for his fright you had to hold back a scream due to the inconvenience of the pain.

"Shit, let me see." in a matter of seconds, he was already in front of you , holding your injured hand.

"It was nothing, you can rest."

"That, young lady, I will decide later." he gently placed a cloth in your hand, pressing it. "What are you doing up at this hour?"

"I couldn't sleep, I decided to prepare something."

"Honey, what's been going on?" He took your hand again, removing the cloth. "Okay, I have the solution to mine and your problem."

He took you by the hand to the bench, placing you in a sitting position, returned to the kitchen, placing a small container to heat and disappeared from sight for a few seconds, returning with a small box in his hands. It brought everything in front of you, allowing you to see what it was really about. A small box with bandage and a small plate with lasagna.

"I saved it from lunch for you, I think you'll like it."

"You know you're my favorite. Shit!" you immediately regretted trying to use your injured hand to eat.

"Now, we'll fix this." The cut was small but uncomfortable and felt a little deep.

You watched him bend down to your height and tend to the small wound like something precious while you ate. The silence between you didn't last long, against your will.

"When are you going to tell me what's been going on? You know, we're friends." Sanji charged, finishing applying the last strip. "Something is wrong with you and I can't figure it out. Besides, you've been destroying my onions in your nightly escapes."

"I'm having some trouble sleeping..." you tried to leave the explanation superficial, but the look in his eyes made it very clear that he wouldn't just buy that.

"You could have told me, you could have made me some tea or something that would help."

"It's not that." You pushed the plate away and straightened up, trying to look away from Sanji. Shame already dominated your body at that time. "It's a stupid thing."

"No mon amour, it's not. I'm here, talk to me."

"There's only one thing in the world that I'm afraid of: clowns. Be they the cute ones or the psychopaths alike..."

"Buggy. Has he been a problem?" Sanji tried to understand, although it didn't make sense since the crew hadn't seen him in days.

"First we were trapped in his circus and it was horrible. Then we had his head on board and I was sure that at any moment he was going to appear. Now, I can't stop having vivid nightmares about it." you confessed, feeling your face burn with embarrassment. "I can't sleep, so I come here at night and I always cook something. I usually watch you cook and it seems like something so relaxing, so good. It hasn't helped me much with my sleep, but at least I've been eating some of the inedible things I make ."

"I bet they're as good as the ones I make and if you don't mind, I'd love to cook with you one of these nights." he winked, eliciting a smile from you. "But for tonight, we need to sleep, finish your plate and I'll be right back with something."

A few minutes and mouthfuls later, Sanji appeared with two mugs, with some hot liquid inside them.

"Herbal tea. It'll help you fall asleep."

"I have my doubts, but…" you took a sip of the sweet drink. "It doesn't hurt to try. Are you sleep deprived too?"

"Not really, I just couldn't leave a lady drinking alone."

"If this works, I promise to buy you the next drink at a bar."

"Wait. This a date?" he asked and if it were possible, you would see hearts instead of his eyes.

"We have the drink." you pointed to the two mugs. "We had dinner." You pointed to the lasagna. "Sounds like a date."

"That miserable clown at least did one good thing"

"Don't ruin the moment, Ji."

The two of you finished your drinks in silence, a few glances exchanged were enough to get comfortable together. Sanji picked up the dishes on the table and you followed him with slower steps.

"Thank you for helping me."

"Who said our date is over?" he turned around, grasping his arm for you to intertwine. "I would never let a lady go alone to her chambers."

"You are a gentleman."

"Only for you amour." He stopped in front of your door. "It's delivered and safe."

You stood on your toes, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Thank you, really." You opened the door and before you could enter, you turned around. "Can I ask you one more thing?"

"Whatever madam wants."

"You can stay here for a while, just until I sleep."

"Of course sweetheart" He walked you into the room.

You straightened the bed and lay down on one end, watching him just stare at you, waiting for some sign that he could sit down.

"Please be my guest."

He lay down and almost automatically gave way for you to snuggle against his chest. Your laughter was suppressed when you saw him smiling widely at the contact.

"A few drinks, a dinner..."

"And you ended up in my bed." your voice was already sleepy. Maybe because of the tea, but something said it was more because of the company.

"And I ended up in the perfect place." reciprocating your gesture just now, in the little conscience you had left, you felt his lips touch your forehead. "Sleep missus. I promise not to let any harm come."

[usopps-devotee]

Not your fault

Tags: angst, hurt/comfort, someone PLEASE give luffy a hug he needs it

@zoro-kun because you love angst

@euphofic because you also love angst as well as luffy

W.c 1.1k

Part 2: Burnout

It had been late and you were tired, unlike the rest of the crew who seemed to have boundless energy, you just wanted to sleep. Fight after fight, days with little to no rest, yet they still had the energy to party. You on the other hand went back to the ship to get some rest.

Luffy hadn't expected anyone to leave the bar, nor had he expected someone to come back to the ship when yall rented a room for the time spent on the island. He didn't hear the sound of you stepping on the deck of the sunny or walking up to him till it was too late to hide. Mortified as you stare at his tear-stained face, he's expecting you to tell him to suck it up, be a man, and so many other ways of telling him that his emotions made him weak.

Instead, you walk towards him slowly and carefully as if approaching a wild animal, holding your arms out for an embrace. You have no clue what's going through your captain's head, no one ever does, it's one of Luffy's many mysteries. All you know is he needs comfort, he looks like he wants to run, and knowing Luffy he just might. Seeing him hesitate you drop to the deck, not caring about the pain that shot through your already aching knees, arms still held out.

He's clinging to you in an instant, rubber arms pulling his body to yours, knocking the both of you over. His sniffles now sob as he cried into your chest, your shirt is immediately soaked in tears and snot but for the moment you could care less. You ran a hand through his hair, nails caressing his curls and scalp as his hat lay on the floor. Your other hand rubbed comforting circles in his back, slowly deviating in shape. You're startled by the small sorry that left your captain, you've never heard his voice so strained, so pitiful. Heart-shattering in a million pieces as you hold him tighter.

"It's okay Luffy, I promise. Let it all out, I'm here for you."

At that moment, whatever emotions he desperately tried to hold on to slipped through him like water. Years of guilt, anger, sadness, and who knows what else he may not have been able to express, are finally being felt. He's squeezing you so tightly in the back of your mind you're worried you might pop. You remind yourself that his ache is worse than yours, what you've injured for minutes, he's suppressed for years.

Eventually, Luffy lets you know what's on his mind, you're not even sure if he knows he's doing so. Babbling about his past and every mistake he's ever made, losing both sabo and ace, almost losing his crew, every time he's lost a fight, he even tells you about shanks losing his arm. All while blaming himself, blaming his incompetence, his arrogance, his weaknesses, his emotions, everything luffy perceived to be a flaw about himself. Choking on his own words while crying, between hiccups and gasping for air.

You had no clue he had been feeling this way, you doubted the rest of the crew did as well. Before this, you wouldn't have had a clue in the world about the stresses he holds on to. What thoughts keep him awake at night, what he fears more than anything else? Now more than ever you want to keep him safe from the rest of the world.

"If I wasn't so weak things would have turned out better."

"Luffy, it's not your fault. None of it is. Some of these things happened to you as a kid. Even with allies around that was stronger than you might have been at the time, not even they could have stopped what happened. It's not your fault."

Luffy finally lifted his head to look at you, he looked broken, the sight alone almost make you start to cry as well. Tears still flowing like rivers in Egypt, you're in denial about how much snot is covering the both of you. His eyes look over every detail of your face to look for a lie, to see the moment when the rug is pulled from under him and you become just as cold as everyone before. He doesn't expect you to place the straw hat back on his head and brush his hair out of his face, he doesn't expect you to pull him closer and kiss him on the forehead.

He's completely astonished when you tell him that it's okay. It's okay to be afraid sometimes, it's okay to have regrets, and it's okay to have made mistakes, and everyone does. He's never been able to let his guard down around anyone this much, he doesn't know what to do with all the trust he's placed in you. Luffy feels like he's been shattered and here you are picking up the pieces from so long ago.

Another sob racked through his body at your words, he's trembling like a leaf, and the only thing keeping him grounded is you. For years Luffy has been told by so many others his emotions are unacceptable. To hear you speak this truth so softly, so sweetly, he almost wants to deny it but he can't. He wants to cut in and say the things he could, or rather in his head, should have done. He wants to give a rebuttal to every claim that you've laid to rest. But he can't, he just can't.

There is logic to what you have to say, there's reasoning in your words he can't deny. If anything he's questioning all the others who told him not to cry, not to feel, not to express or let anything out. He's doubting what he's been taught, parts of him wonder what other lies he's been told, he'll have to ask you one day.

Slowly but surely he calms down, sniffling as he tries to catch his breath. Taking the time while he's off of your chest, you removed the soaked shirt, wiping away the rest of the tears and snot covering his face. "Why don't we get something to eat hmm? I'm sure the walk and some good food will help." He nods hesitantly, despite his lack of movement. You toss the shirt aside to worry about it later. For now, you're worried about the fact that Luffy's eyes had yet to leave the ground, and when they do he ask you a question that you could never deny.

"Can you hold me for just a little longer?"

[aranock]

I'm tired.

Just sort of in general I am exhausted. I know I put on a brave face a lot, but the hate does get to me. The constant unceasing hatred both offline and online gets to me. I'm human idk what to say. Been thinking a lot about the Bilbo quote, I might be paraphrasing, "I feel like too little butter spread across too much toast."

It's pride month, I should be feeling happy right? I convocated finally after a brutal long degree I should be feeling happy right? I like how my body looks for the first time in my life shouldn't I feel happy?

And I know that's not helpful, that feelings are not a should thing. And yet I feel it anyway :/. Not that I do not feel happy, I would say on average I am better than I have been at any other point in my life. But it does get to me.

I was invited to dinner with a former family member, a blood relative that breached every boundary I placed and even went so far as to accost me in a public space. It's hard watching someone lose all love for you the more you become yourself. Being told I'm an embarrassment to my parents by creeps online stings a lot more now that I had a blood relative say it to my face while aggressively yanking my jacket so I couldn't get away. I know its a lie, I know that this person saying that hurt my parents as much as it did me. Alas, anxiety rarely responds to facts or evidence.

Everytime it feels like I'm fine and over it; this person manages to weasel their way around boundaries to fuck up my mental health for a week. And the thing about chronic illnesses like mine is they flare up quite horrendously when you get stressed and anxious. Anxiety means waking up to acid burnt throat from reflux.

It makes my voice dysphoric all day.

I think deep down one of my greatest fears is that I am unlovable, that everyone around me secretly hates me and is just waiting for the excuse to finally be rid of interacting with me. I am terrified that I am a burden. Mortified by the false belief that I am broken.

Despite how horrific my childhood adolescence and some of my early adulthood were, my family was at least a safe place. I recognize that I was privileged to have that. With that said I think the reason this whole thing has rocked me so much is that it violated that one last place I felt safe. It has made me doubt the love of those I never thought I would.

Sometimes transphobia feels like drowning, and if you try to swim for air everyone decides to shove you further down cause actually it's proof you are faking needing breath.

I text someone anytime I go run errands, just to make sure someone knows. Had too many experiences of hate. I get anxious when I go to get groceries; will this be the time I get hit by a vehicle driven by a far right transphobe, am I going to get called a slur again, will the store staff get suspicious of me and search through all my groceries to make sure I actually paid for it. But please, tell me how I don't know what its like to be oppressed. When men sexually harass, catcall, creepily hit on, follow me around clearly I am not at all experiencing sexism. Obviously the real worst thing in the world is that women "cancel" people on the internet, and trans people exist. Did they think sending me hateful articles would suddenly make me go "oh yes clearly its all in my head, please genocide my community, I stand for nothing and have the moral backbone of a slug."

I don't really know why I'm writing this, I dont usually feel or desire to express something like this publicly. I will probably delete it later. Maybe I disappear into writing cause its easier to deal with the feelings that way. That at least then someone gets something out of my pain. That maybe it helps to condense emotional mountains to the mole hills of short strokes of a pen or presses of a key. To let them explode outward in a flurry of thoughts and words that others look at and say "I too have felt this, you are not alone, you are not wrong for feeling this way."

Anything to take the weight of it all off my chest for a second.

Because I am tired.

I'm exhausted really.

I don't want to be brave or strong or resilient. It's tiring to bear the weight of that and a billion projections. Atlas does not bear the heavens upon his shoulders because he is strong or brave. He bears it because he has no other choice. Because people put it on him.

I just want to exist; that is apparently too much to ask for as a trans woman.

If you are concerned, please don't worry I'll be fine, I was fine every other time after all. This too shall pass. But right now it hurts.

And I have had my fill of hurt for many lifetimes.

[bts-spnlvr12]

I Get to Love You

Pairing: PostWar!Levi x Y/n

Summary: It's been months since the Rumbling ended, Levi is finally back home and is living the best life he can right beside you. He still can't get used to having scars and marks all over his body, so you show how much you love him...

~A/N: ⚠️MDNI⚠️ This story will contain mature content, such as smut, swearing, very minor angst, daddy/babygirl kink, mentions of nakedness, mentions of trying for a child, so on and so forth. If you DO decide to interact with this post, it will result in a blocking of your account. You have been warned!!~

~Okay, for the love of fucking gosh. For those who saw the catastrophe from the previous post. I apologize. I made a mistake that at the time I never noticed. But I do ask that if you EVER see me post a story with a fanart that has no credit, PLEASE PM ME about it THE DAY IT COMES OUT so that there are NO ISSUES IN THE FUTURE.~

(RE-POST DUE TO ISSUES THAT WERE PREVIOUSLY FIXED)

Its been months since the Rumbling came to an end, you were excited to live a normal life away from the threat of Titans...

You were especially happy that Levi finally came home, it's been hard for him to get adjusted to everything that's happened to not only the world, but to himself and others he knows...

~Flashback...

It's been a few days since the Rumbling stopped, but you were extremely worried...

Your husband Levi hasn't come home yet, you worried about his safety, especially after the incident with the thunder spear which you were told by Hange...

You were pacing around the living room, trying to keep yourself calm, your hands rubbing your face out of fear of him not returning. Suddenly you hear the handle jiggle slightly, then it opens wide to reveal a tired-looking Levi...

"L-Levi?" You slowly walk over to him so you don't scare him, he looks up at you slowly, showing his wrapped up face and healing sutures. You cover your mouth at the sight, he was still very handsome to you but seeing him with so many severe injuries...

You tear up and pull him into a hug, so thankful that he's finally home and safe from all the horrible things he's seen throughout his life, no more Titans, no more loss of life and no more worrying...

You help him to the sofa and brought him some tea, knowing that it will calm him down after a stressful time...

End of Flashback...~

You looked up as you heard a thumping sound every second, to see your husband walking down the hall with his cane, he pours himself a cup of tea and makes his way towards the sofa...

He sets the cup down then slowly lowering himself right beside you, "Hi baby, how are you feeling?" He shrugs and rubs his knee, "Just in pain for the most part..." You rub his knee gently, "You look like you have something else on your mind, what is it?" Levi sighs then looks at you, "I'm just...trying to get used to everything, how the world is, old comrades both alive and dead, as well as the way my looks have changed drastically..."

"That's all understandable baby, you've learned how to fight your entire life, now with the threat of titans extinguished and coming to your senses about those who've sacrificed their lives for Paradis, and hon, you're still very handsome in my eyes, scars and marks in total..." You smile as you keep rubbing your knee...

"You're only saying that because you're my wife, you'll probably leave me after a while, I'm old and beat up, I'm practically useless..." You get angry at this, of course all in a loving manner; you hated when he talked about himself like this, so you decided what you were going to do to show him how much you adored him...

You remove his shirt to reveal his torso, with defined abs which makes you smile, you start leaving kisses on the spot he's most insecure about, starting from the scars on his face and working your way down...

One look at you

My whole life falls in line

I prayed for you

Before I called you mine

You look back on the past, it took a lot to have this special relationship with Levi, fighting side by side against the titans, sneaking around when you could to see one another, and a lot of trust earning...

Oh, I can't believe it's true sometimes

Oh, I can't believe it's true

I get to love you

It's the best thing that I'll ever do

I get to love you

It's a promise I'm making to you

Whatever may come your heart I will choose

Forever I'm yours, forever I do

I get to love you

I get to love you

You kiss him passionately before moving down and removing his sweats, you see the scarring on his legs from various reasons, kissing each scar, bruise and mark left, looking up at him with such love, taking his hands in yours and kissing each finger, paying special attention to the two he's missing, letting him know you loved him no matter how he looked or what he went through...

The way you love

It changes who I am

I am undone

I thank God once again

You think about all those times you've made love with one another, whether it be passionate or angry. His way of loving you was gentle, but he could tough whenever it was needed but he loved you for you, flaws and all. You were insecure about yourself in the beginning, thinking that he deserved so much better than you, but with all the ways he showed you that you were his and no one could compare to you, changed that view about yourself...

It wasn't easy but he made it easier whenever you had your lows..

Oh, I can't believe it's true sometimes

Oh, I can't believe it's true

I get to love you

It's the best thing that I'll ever do

I get to love you

It's a promise I'm making to you

Whatever may come your heart I will choose

Forever I'm yours, forever I do

I get to love you

I get to love you

I get to love you

I get to love you

He began to tear up slightly as you sang the verse over and over again, kissing him and his tears away as they slipped down his cheeks, he was starting to understand how much you loved him, and how lucky he is to have someone like you to love him for him, flaws and all...

And they say love is a journey

I promise that I'll never leave

When it's too heavy to carry

Remember this moment with me

The line where you promise to never leave his him harder than ever, he's lost so much in his life, his family, comrades. He wouldn't know what to do if he lost you, he'd probably go nuts if you weren't near him...

I get to love you

I get to love you

I get to love you

You climb back up to him and kiss him as passionately as possible, he holds your face gently in between his hands, he is crying tears of happiness, he now understood you'd stay with him for the rest of eternity...

"I love you, Levi Ackerman, scars, marks and all, okay? Please don't ever think about yourself like that again. That fact that I get to Love you, is the greatest part of my life and always will be..." He nods and kisses you passionately, the tears stop flowing and things start getting heated...

"I love you too, Y/n Ackerman, I can say all the same for you, now how about we take this to the bedroom..." You nod and slowly get off of him and help him up, and held hands as you went to your shared bedroom...

Levi is already in his boxers, so he slowly undresses you then lays you on the bed, he then starts kissing down your body; either open mouth kisses, or love bites to let you know you belong to him...

He then lines himself with your slit then looks at you with approval, you nod and he pushes himself in, bottoming out and releasing almost a primal noise...

You wrap your legs around his hips and help him thrust in and out of your core, making you moan loudly from so much pleasure, "I love you so much, god so fucking much..." He says while kissing you feverishly, "Fuck I love you too baby, please make me yours all over again...

He smiles softly and started thrusting into you as if it were the end of the world, you throw your head back from him hitting your spot, "F-fuck! Right there!" He re-positioned himself to where the tip of his cock kept pounding into that spot, which made you see stars...

"Right there? Does that feel good babygirl, you like it when daddy fucks you like this?" You nod the best you could and he leans down and down and sucks on one of your nipples...

You tangle your fingers in his hair and start to notice his movement are becoming erratic, you know he's to his breaking point, "Levi, c-can I ask you something?" He looks up at you, "W-w-what is it?" "Would you be alright with the idea of possibly having a baby?" He slows his thrusts, "W-what? A child?"

"You don't seem happy about the idea, I'm sorry it wa-" He cuts you off with a kiss, "I'm not mad baby, I was just shocked. I want a little Levi or Y/n running around the house, maybe one or two in fact.." You tear up a bit and kiss him passionately, "You would be a great father.." "You would be a great mother as well, darling..."

With that he starts fucking you like he was before, you scratch your nails down his back from his erratic movements, "I-i'm close baby, I'm gonna c-cum!" You agree with his statement and he eventually starts rubbing your clit so you both can climax at the same time, which you both do so loudly and with sloppy kisses...

He releases all of his load and pushes the tip up against your cervix to make sure nothing leaks out, you are breathless as your come down from your high, the same goes for Levi when he kisses you passionately and smiles, "Round 2?"

Let's just say neither of you got rest that night...

[doodle-pops]

Having Nightmares And Elladan Comforting You

Request: Hi! I love your writing so much and was so glad to see you've opened your requests. I was hoping I could please request a fluffy fic or headcanons with Elladan trying to comfort his partner who's having a repeat of the same nightmare each night? I'm such a simp for him and I'm so glad to see him on the list of characters you write for. Thank you :) - @snowsoothsayer

A/N: I was torn between writing this as a fic or a headcanon, so I merged both. All the other attempts at making it a fic turned out too angsty and I didn't want to give you that since you wished for fluff.

·⊰ As a heavy sleeper, it will take a lot to get Elladan to notice your frantic state beside him, whining and fighting around the bed as your dream becomes more graphic and terrifyingly vivid. While you were experiencing a nightmare beyond your wildest comprehension, he was still fast asleep.

·⊰ When morning rolls around and he turns to feel your presence beside him, he will be met with the imprint of your body and a blanket halfway torn off the bed. It was not an uncommon event for him to wake to an empty bed next to him given your job as a healer. You were required to be up and running early.

·⊰ Unbeknownst to Elladan, you were sitting outside on the balcony all night, baring the harshness of the cold to keep you awake. It was not the first time you had faced that nightmare and no matter how much you attempted to take herbal teas to reduce the hallucinations and vividness of the dreams, nothing worked.

·⊰ The entire day, you would appear as a walking zombie with severe dark circles under your eyes, yawning every few seconds and resisting the urge to find sleep. Due to your differences in duties, if he wasn’t up before you, then it was up and it was rare that your paths crossed. Hence, throughout the day, he could not discover your frightened state.

·⊰ When night falls, he would notice the panicked disposition you were currently in and question you on your distressed state. “Why do you look like someone gave you two black eyes? Did someone try to paint you as a raccoon? Is work getting difficult, do you want me to speak with my father?”

·⊰ All his questions melted your heart and made you laugh at his specific ability to fit a bit of humour into the mix. But not wanting to worry him with your nightmare because he had essential duties and couldn’t stay up all night, you would shake it off with a lie of being tired and not getting enough sleep. “Don’t worry, I’ll take a few days off to rest.”

·⊰ Finding your response reasonable, Elladan would not find anything suspicious about it until he does experience a hit to his body during the night. It takes a lot to wake him from his slumber, so it explains that your nightmare was awfully terrifying. Flying from his sleep, ready to strike at the intruder, he is met with your frightened body warding off whosoever.

·⊰ A few shakes and calls of your name would take you out of your nightmare and immediately into Elladan’s arms, trembling. The grip you held onto him was unlike any other and in that instant, he knew not getting enough sleep and being stressed was not the complete answer.

·⊰ Elladan would allow you to hold him as tightly as you wish without complaint for as long as you desired. He needed you to see he was your safe haven, and that the threat was gone. Expect his voice to become soft like petals as he caresses your skin and sends you sweet, reassuring words.

“It’s alright, it’s alright. I’m here now and nothing is going to harm you ever again. I’m here meleth, I am here.”

Elladan’s second act is to lie with you on his chest and rest your ear above his heartbeat, using it as a soothing method to relieve your frantic state. Your entire body was trembling with fear, and it pained him to witness you experiencing this. He’s aware that you’re in no state to speak about what you envisioned.

“There, there, meleth. Everything is alright now. Whatever or whoever it was, I’m here to save you from them,” he cooed into your hair while he littered dozens of soft-petal kisses.

Both arms wrapped around you, one rubbing your back and the other cradling your head to his chest. The faint scent of peppermint and oranges radiating off his body gave your mind an extra sense of security. Your arms tightened around his upper body, though he could bare the constriction of your arms, he was willing to take the pain if it meant removing yours.

“Elladan,” you sniffled, “if I needed saving, would you be there?”

Your question was enough to ring bells in his head about what your nightmare was based on, a fear of yours you once unfortunately experienced. It was how he met you. It wasn’t the first time he learned that you suffered nightmares and dreamt about your incident, but it was new for him to realise that as its one-year anniversary approached, it became stronger.

Nothing wasting a second to give you any sense of false hope, he courageously responded with pride and valour, “I would give my life for yours in a heartbeat.” The hands that rested against your skin constricted around your body and pressed you closer to his chest, removing any ounce of spacing. In response, he felt your body sagging against his as the tension easily dissipated. Part of him felt horrible that he couldn’t remove the accursed dream out of your mind and the other part wished that he had found you before the more horrid things happened.

“Oh, my little meleth. My sweet, sweet, little lovable meleth, don’t you know I’m your knight in shining armour? I’m your saviour! I’m the strongest elf there ever were!” he boasted and joked, though he was quickly put in his place by the last statement.

Giggling at his eccentric remarks, you were appalled when he made the statement of being the strongest. As much as you knew he was lifting your spirits out of the pit, it was enough to make you correct him. “You are far from the strongest Elladan,” you informed, “if it’s anyone, it’s Lord Glorfindel, the Balrog Slayer.”

“Who says I can’t fight a Balrog?” he shouted.

“Me, because you’ll probably get pulled by your hair like Lord Glorfindel did,” you giggled.

Offended by your statement, he jerked his head back dramatically and gasped, “Excuse me! I’m trying to be all heroic here and you’re not letting me. You’re dragging me!”

“Back down to earth to be humbled,” you snorted. Your mood was improving despite the lurking images of your nightmare in the background, Elladan’s sense was humour was enough to fight them off.

“You are the worse supporter ever.”

“And you are the best.”

Masterlist

Taglist: @eunoiaastralwings @noldorinpainter @ranhanabi777 @spidergirla5 @lilmelily @someoneinthestars @mysticmoomin @aconstructofamind @floraroselaughter @the-phantom-of-arda @rain-on-my-umbrella @singleteapot @wandererindreams @asianbutnotjapanese @justellie17 @justjane @silverose365 @bunson-burner

[whosadu]

a note i wrote for the guy i love (he has a gf now, but nvm)

when i first met you, i never thought this is how we'd end up. never. you were this absolute perfect human being and i was a random girl crushing over you, never imagining in my whole life that this is the guy i'd love. love is a heavy word for me. i don’t throw it around easily. you’re there for me for everything, whether shit happens with my mom, other people, or maybe just me being dramatic, you’re always there. even when you’re in a bad mood or pissed at me (which you rarely are but nvm). i didn't fall in love with you because i had no one else. it was a choice. i don't want you to just be a fling of mine. i want you by my fucking side. poets would take a step back if i had to explain my feelings towards you. you get me. im a mess of a person. with my mood swings, my abandonment issues, my attachment issues and my fear of being alone. i hate it when my whole body aches and screams in pain because of my fear of abandonment. it starts so slowly and consumes me so damn fast. it's like a prison, where the silence becomes my cellmate, and the shadows of solitude gracefully dance around me. in these moments, i feel like a young child left alone, even though youth surrounds me. you don't make me feel like that it's honestly something alien. you make me feel at peace. you're the only guy i've ever been comfortable with. ever. and we know eachother. there's no one else in this whole wide world who knows me better than you do. and there's no one else who'd make you feel more loved, other than me. so this is me, swallowing my pride, writing to you. i don't want you to just be a fling, just a mere fwb situationship or just more than friends, less that lovers shit. i want you to be wholly mine. the same way i'll be wholly yours. here am i, trying to talk to other guys, trying to find a glimpse of you in them. but i've realised, maybe you're the one i'm meant to be with. you know every side of me. the one that rants about her family, the one that yaps constantly about the dumbest things ever, the one that is stressed about her academics, the one that is just so pissed that she doesn't even wanna talk. you know it all. and i know how you rant about your day, yapping about your gym incidents, your shoots, your friends, how you don't get stressed about your academics even though you probably should be, and how you've been wronged in your past by many people. i can handle your ghosting phases, and i can handle your bad haircut phases, or your tuesday fast tired self. i can handle your lame ass humour and your fashion advice that never fails. i want your bad angle selfies and your tired nights. i know you love receiving gifts even though you say you dont. i know about your birthmark on your ear. i know about the story behind the missing stone of your favourite ring.i know it all. what's more left to say. we're already bestfriends. but i don't wanna be that. i wanna be more. i know you probably love me as a friend but we'll make it work. our bond is deeper than that. maybe this thing is temporary. but i don’t mind being temporary as long as it means i’m temporary with you. i want to make up for the all the love you never thought you deserved, all the love that was stolen from you. i want to be the one that makes you laugh. the one that will always have your back in this fucked up world. the one who'll forgive you no matter what. i know your favourite songs and you can tell me about your dreams and we can live, in peace. be the source of all love and comfort. i just hope you realise, i'm the one for you.

[cryptonite-exe]

a little comfort | mirage

𓆩♡𓆪 pairing ; mirage x gn!reader

𓆩♡𓆪 genre ; angst with comfort, self deprication

𓆩♡𓆪 a/n ; had a breakdown and listened to anti-hero so i ended up with this (wont be using too much tags this is mere self indulgent)

you lay still in bed, looking up at the ceiling in wonder. your head was clogged with so many thoughts. and what seemed like minutes after lying down to sleep was actually hours. you felt elliot shift and turn in bed numerous times, yet you remain perfectly still. you recall the events of the past weeks and how everything went down. the stress of both the games and your personal life has been wearing you down.

"he shouldn't see me like this." you thought, he was already dealing with so manty things and seeing his lover like this- what would he think? "what's wrong with you" "why are you like this?"

you bit your inner cheek as numerous emotions flood into your system. the bottle you stuffed everything in finally broke. every emotion, worry, fear, and distress you hid away so carefully broke loose. you felt glass shatter and scatter and everything goes to hell. and before you knew it, tears. you didn't even notice until the ceiling wasn't so clear as you last remembered it looking. endless beads of water just sliding down your cheeks and onto the once dry pillow.

you felt the feeling of choking up and knew you couldn't do this here, not when he's having his peace right now. waking up to comfort you wasn't what we wanted after a tiring week. you got up, shoving the covers and blankets off your body and tried as quietly as you could to exit the room.

figuring the couch was the next comfiest thing to cry on other than the bed, you head towards the living room. now that you've found comfort on the couch, it wasn't long until your sobs started leaking out your throat. you wanted to contain it in so, so bad. you were slipping and stumbling over you own thoughts, the crying and pain was nonstop. you were barely able to breathe properly, your sobs echoing throughout the quiet home you and elliot shared.

your crying paused when you heard the door of your bedroom open and close. "there you are, the bed felt empt- oh" he says, rubbing his eyes awake. before you could say anything he was already at your side. he kneeled down and brushed away the hair covering your face. "hey, what's the matter?" he hushed. "god- why are you up? you should be sleeping-" you asked, shaking your head and hopefully the tears too.

"babe- listen to me, this isn't about me. my beloved is crying here and i will be here to make sure you're alright." he says, bringing his hand up to your cheek, wiping away the tears that runs down. "you can tell me you know?" he murmurs, "do you want to talk about it? i mean- its fine if you don't want to i'm your boyfriend after all and i really care about you" he says and before he could continue on, you hug him. he immediately embraces you back, arms around your waist.

"don't wanna" you reply muffled. "that's alright too! we could just cuddle like this because i am the bestest boyfriend and i love you so much," he kisses your temple before maneuvering both of you onto the couch and into a cuddling position. his arm remains around your waist, bodies flushed against each other. your head rests on his chest comfortably while his other hand brushes through your hair.

"we could order your favorite food if you'd like" he interrupts the silence of the room. you break out in a fit of laughter at the random proposal. "you are an idiot" you giggle. "ah no. correction- i am your idiot yeah that's right you're stuck with me."

soon the sun rises and a person delivers your food with a very much tired look on his face and seeing such a couple be so intimate at this hour of the day might've been the last straw but oh well. and eventually you do talk, with him listening and his hand holding yours the entire time to let you know

i'm here

© this work is by cryptonite-exe, please do not copy and post on any other platform.

[edenjohansson]

Chapter 10

fifty shades of red

Bella's pov :

With the Avengers around my table it feels like we have known for years. We all talked for hours even if they were tired of the long road of the past few days. I stood up and walked them into the different rooms of my house. They will share rooms. Tony's going to sleep with Pepper obviously, Thor with Sam, Clint with Bruce, Steve and Bucky. Wanda with Vision and finally Nat with me.

"Why so many rooms if vampires don't sleep?"

"It was a tradition. When I had parties here, we hunting humans at this time, and the rooms was for them so they can sleep to produce more blood for us" I looked at their scared face and add "Yeah I know it's creepy but hunting humans was very regulated so we couldn't permit to hunt every day"

"So we're going to sleep inside beds where people were killed?" Tony asks, suspicious.

"No no no. Don't worry about that. We killed them when they're awake. We like to see the fear in their eyes when we're about to drink their blood" I respond with a huge smile on my face.

I laughed as I saw their faces decay.

"If you could see your faces! It's incredible!" I said to them, I walked away from the rooms and added "Sleep well tonight".

I took the stairs and walked inside my room. The night was just starting and the view from my bay windows was really magic. I had to take a shower to evacuate all the blood from the attack of 2 days ago. I started to undress myself and walked under my shower. The cold water was perfect. My skin was already cold but the water was so de-stressing for me. My white hair was unbraid on my back. Red water started to flow on the floor.

I heard Natasha walk inside my bedroom quietly.

"I heard you, you know. No need to be quiet" I said.

I turned and saw her staring at me under the water. Her expression was unreadable.

"Are you okay?" I asked her as I stopped the shower.

"Why do you always ask me if I'm okay?" Nat asks me without moving.

I heard as she tried to stop the beating of her heart. She tries to cover her emotions.

"Because I came up in your life really quickly and I imposed you a lot lately. Life with a vampire is never easy mainly for a human and I'm clearly not the most easy one"

I really want to be sincere with her because I will always offer her an escape if she wants to leave. For me it's fifty-fifty, if she leaves me right now I would be sad that's for sure but I still will have a crown on my head and a country to rule so I can't let my emotions win.

"Why do you never show your emotions? I see you laugh and smile but I see that for all other emotions you never show them to the world" She asked me this question sincerely but I wasn't prepared for that.

I walked out of the shower and got my towel to wrap inside. I lean against the edge of the sink behind me. I sighed and looked at her.

"Because for most emotions, vampires lose them years after years. For us, humanity has become something unrealistic. We lost our emotions because we lived so many different lifes. I can still feel some of them like anger or rage sometimes but also happiness when I'm around people I love. The word 'love' is itself complicated. How am I supposed to love someone when I know that in a few years they will die?" As I said this last word I looked down and remembered my last relationship.

Natasha walked towards me and placed her hands on my arms. I looked at her again. She's smiling at me. How is it possible that I deserved her?

"I will let you discover your emotions again, don't worry. I hope you're not gonna feel pain or sadness with me but I can try for the others"

I smiled and heard her heartbeat going faster. I looked at her.

"My smile's really affecting you" I said as I placed my hand on her waist.

She leaned closer to me, our lips brushing against each other. I bit my bottom lip and ran my fingers under her shirt directly to her hot skin.

She kissed me slowly at first but started to get more passionate. I got her body closer to mine and heard her breath getting louder. I got my lips away from hers and said before she kissed me again.

"You should get some sleep darling. Not that I don't want this but you didn't sleep much in the past few days and having sex is going to hit you hard"

She sighed and nodds. I placed my hands behind her tight and lifted her up.

"I can walk you know" She said, giggling.

"I know love, I know but I prefer you in my arms"

I walked inside my room and let her on the edge of my bed.

"I can give you clean clothes if you want"

She nodded and I walked to my dressing room. I take a simple short and a red t-shirt. I moved back to my bed and gave the clothes to Natasha. She stood up and changed herself. I returned to my bathroom to brush my hair and my teeth. My body was already dry. I put on a simple short and a black top and got ready for bed.

Natasha was already under the sheets as I layed down next to her. She wrapped her arms around me and placed her head on my chest.

"You're going to sleep all night with me?"

"No. But I'll wait until you fall asleep and I'll be there when you wake up"

"How do you know when I'm going to wake up?"

"The heartbeat get faster darling"

I kissed her forehead and wrapped my arms around her body. Getting myself closer to her.

She smiled and closed her eyes. Happy.

[judescomrade]

Songs and a little life.

My best friend and I are insane so we wrote this. Also it’s mostly Taylor Swift songs.

“Stay down” - Wasn't a fighter until somebody told me / I had better learn to lean into the punch / So it don't hurt as bad when they leave / There you were, turning your cheek - He doesn’t know this now, but in the years to come he will, again and again, test Harold’s claims of devotion, will throw himself against his promises to see how steadfast they are. He won’t even be conscious that he’s doing this. But he will do it anyway, because part of him will never believe Harold and Julia - At times he wondered if he was making the same mistake again. Was it better to trust or better to be wary? Could you have a real friendship if some part of you was always expecting betrayal?”

“Dark paradise”-And there's no remedy for memory / Your face is like a melody /It won't leave my head / Your soul is haunting me / And telling me that everything is fine / But I wish I was dead Have you all forgotten? he dares to ask.- Have you all forgotten him? Have you forgotten how much I need him? Have you forgotten how to be alive without him? Who can teach me, who can tell me what should I do?

“If I could fly”- If I could fly / I'd be coming right back home to you - “Te para tres” - Un sorbo de distracción / Buscando descifrarnos /No hay nada mejor, no hay nada mejor / Que casa - The best part about going away is coming home. Who said that? Not him, but it might as well have been, he thinks as he moves through the apartment…

“Soon you’ll get better” - Holy orange bottles, each night, I pray to you / Desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus too - At night, he prayed to a god he didn’t believe in, and hadn’t for years: Help me, help me, help me, he pleaded.

“This is me trying” - Pulled the car off the road to the lookout / Could've followed my fears all the way down /And maybe I don't quite know what to say /But I'm here in your doorway/ I just wanted you to know that this is me trying /“This is me trying - But what Andy never understood about him was this: he was an optimist. Every month, every week, he chose to open his eyes, to live another day in the world. He did it when he was feeling so awful that sometimes the pain seemed to transport him to another state, one in which everything, even the past that he worked so hard to forget, seemed to fade into a gray watercolor wash. He did it when his memories crowded out all other thoughts, when it took real effort, real concentration, to tether himself to his current life, to keep himself from raging with despair and shame. He did it when he was so exhausted of trying, when being awake and alive demanded such energy that he had to lie in bed thinking of reasons to get up and try again,

“Gold rush” - Everybody wants you / Everybody wonders what it would be like to love you - Even Malcom noticed how women reacted around Willem.

“Cardigan” - But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss / I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs - All the most terrifying ifs involve people. All the good ones do as well.

“Body”- Cause I've grown tired of this body /A cumbersome and heavy body- Sometimes, all he has to do is sit up, and he will be reminded, as if slapped across the face, that his body owns him, not the other way around.

“You & I”- You and I , we don’t wanna be like them - They were inventing their own type of relationship.

“Photograph” - We keep this love in a photograph / we make these memories for ourselves/ where our eyes are never closing / hearts are never broken / and time’s forever frozen - He hadn’t needed to catalog his life after all—Willem had been doing it for him all along.

“It’s nice to have a friend”- You've been stressed out lately, yeah, me too /Something gave you the nerve / To touch my hand / It's nice to have a friend - At one point he leans against Willem’s side, from exhaustion and affection, but isn’t even aware he’s done so until he feels Willem move his arm and put it around him.

“Daylight” -I wanna be defined by the things that I love /Not the things I hate / Not the things I'm afraid of, I'm afraid of / Or the things that haunt me in the middle of the night / I, I just think that/ You are what you love - He will be someone who is defined, first and always, by what he is missing.

“Coney Island” -And when I got into the accident / The sight that flashed before me was your face - “No!” he shouts , or thinks he does, and then, in an instant, he sees a flash of Jude’s face.

“ ‘tis the damn season” - And wonder about the only soul / Who can tell which smiles I'm fakin' -He knows what Willem’s different smiles mean; when he is watching him being interviewed on television, he can always tell when he is smiling because he’s truly amused and when he is smiling to be polite.

“invisible string” - Time, curious time / Gave me no compasses, gave me no signs /Were there clues I didn't see? /And isn't it just so pretty to think /All along there was some /Invisible string /Tying you to me? - Wherever she went, wherever I went, there it would be, that shining twined string that stretched and pulled but never broke.

“So long”-So if we knew all along/ Why did it take so long? /We've known it since we were young / So why did it take so long? -But part of me wonders if it was always meant to be this way; I mean, I’ve dated and dated for decades now, and maybe the reason it’s never worked out is because it was never meant to, because I was supposed to be with him all along.

“Long story short” - And he's passing by / Rare as the glimmer of a comet in the sky /And he feels like home /If the shoe fits, walk in it everywhere you go- That night he reads in bed as he waits for Willem to come home, but falls asleep anyway and wakes to Willem’s hand on the side of his face. "You’re home," he says, and smiles at him, and Willem smiles back.

“Two slow dancers” - It would be a hundred times easier / If we were young again - We are so old, we have become young again.

"Long live" -the night you danced like you knew our lives would never be the same- For a while they moved slowly and clumsily, looking at each other, silent. "See?" Willem said, quietly. "You’re dancing."

“Afterglow”- this ultraviolet morning light below /tells me this love is worth the fight - But they would both keep trying, because they trusted the other, and because the other person was the only other person who ever be worth such hardships, such difficulties, such insecurities and exposure.

“marjorie” - I should've asked you questions / I should've asked you how to be / Asked you to write it down for me -But why had Willem cared about him so much? Why had he wanted to spend so much time around him? He had never been able to understand this, and now he never will.

“futile devices” - It's been a long, long time / Since I've memorized your face- He has known Willem for so long, has looked at his face so many times, that he is never able to see him anew: his face is better known to him than his own. He knows its every expression.

[oncetherenowhere]

This is going to sound bitter.

In my adult life, I have often heard that it's okay to ask for help. It's okay! Ask for help! No one can do this alone.

I am beyond asking. I have been begging for help. Doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, local organizations for mental health, for autism, I've tried friends, family.

It feels like the resounding answer is that I do not matter.

I have seldom been believed. I have been bullied my entire life. I've been abused. I've had my life threatened more than once. I struggle so much every day. I'm worried I now have physical health problems because of the constant stress and fear I feel, but who cares? Who fucking cares?

H cares. He's such a wonder. He's seen proof of people's ambivalence towards me, even their hatred of me. He believes me.

I feel like I don't deserve him. He has the most beautiful soul. He cares about people so much, loves people so deeply. People trust him quickly, he's charming but so genuine.

I feel like I'm breaking. My body hurts. My mental health has been on a steady decline since December.

I don't know who else to ask. I don't know where else to turn.

H isn't a doctor, or a therapist. He's my husband. He loves and supports me, but there's only so much he can do, and I've never expected him to fix my problems.

I keep trying to be happy despite everything.

I feel like giving up. I wish I could turn off my brain and live as a robot. Go to work, make money, go home, eat, sleep, repeat, all without the stress and anxiety I feel on the regular. I just want it all to stop. I'm tired of being in pain.

I wish someone else cared, but admitting that is a one-way ticket to making sure no one ever does. If you say these feelings out loud, you're pathetic. I've seen the way people change when someone says things like this. I'd be seen as manipulative. I'd be seen as worthless.

I feel like society has tricked me into thinking that mental health is taken seriously in any capacity these days. Everyone pays lip service to mental health and self care and getting help, but it's all out of sight out of mind. The second you struggle and fall behind, you're done. You're fucking done.

I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm deeply depressed. I am TERRIFIED all the time. My fear response is absolutely fucked and I'm worried for myself.

I don't want to live like this. At the same time, I'm so scared of dying. That's the thing, I don't even want to die. I just want it all to stop.

My cousin died in the most horrific way. He was my age...we grew up together. I have nightmares about how he passed. I keep thinking that the universe is sending me signs that I'm next. I think that, in itself, is a sign that something is seriously wrong with my mental health, but nobody cares.

I feel like I'm drowning in my own mind. I feel crushed under the weight of society's apathy.

Why wouldn't any therapists believe me? I've seen ten therapists in six years. None of them ever really believed me. They assured me that my perception was the problem, that my life couldn't be as bad as I said it was.

I want a therapist, a doctor, a psychiatrist, I need someone who will believe me. I'll try anything. Any form of therapy. Any medication. I'm at the point where I'm looking for homeopathic 'all natural' ways to help, even though I don't totally believe them, because I need SOMETHING.

I don't know.

I want to live a long, happy life. I want to travel...go on vacation. I want to experience more things, have fun, be carefree. I want to devote myself to my hobbies, actually MAKE something, write a story and make a comic the way I've always dreamed of.

I feel like there's something rotten and broken about my soul that everyone else can sense. I'm in so much pain. I don't want to be.

Every time I try to build connections, it ends badly. People don't even want my HELP. I've tried to help people who needed something, and gotten hurt by them for it.

This is a tiny example...but when I worked as a barista, a woman came in who ordered a coffee and a muffin, but could only afford the coffee. I paid for her muffin myself and brought it to her table. She brought it back, slammed it down, and yelled at me. Made fun of me for crying. My coworker only rolled her eyes and chastised me for doing that.

Things like that happen a lot...and now, when people need help around me, I'm terrified. If I do nothing, I'm bad. If I help, I'm bad. If I ask them what they need, I should already know, and I'm putting pressure on them by asking. If I don't ask, and try something, I shouldn't have made assumptions.

Strangers harass me more often than other people. H has SEEN it, and is shocked by it. People go out of their way to come up to me and be cruel.

Maybe I'm just ugly?

I have a weird face. A big forehead, huge eyes a bit too far apart...my eyebrows are uneven, even when I try to shape them into symmetry. My nose was broken once, so it's all fucked up and uneven. My lips are too small for my face, I have a small mouth, no jaw, big ears.

When I'm skinny, I can pass for pretty, especially when I wear makeup. People are generally nicer when I'm skinny. But I'm not skinny anymore. I don't know if I ever will be again.

I just want to be treated like a human being.

I'm tired of being yelled at, of being mocked, bullied, abused...I just want to exist in a way that doesn't invite mistreatment.

I want a friend...some kind of support system. Everyone around me has their own orbit of friends.

I'm so scared. I'm so hurt. I need help. All I can do is keep trying to find a professional who will take me seriously.

[jolly-at-nite]

Cherish me, Cherish him.

I don't know why it is so incredibly hurtful to me. Why it strikes my heart the way it does. Why my soul drops a little, when our son is screaming.

That deep guttural cry he does, when his voice dies out to a hoarse crackling sound. The one cry we both detest bc he turns another color and his tiny body gets all stiff.

The one you know creates so much stress in you, and fear within me. The one I told you, I hate. The one he was doing when as I am sitting on the bed struggling to calm him down, and I see you turn your back to me and continue to sleep.

I don't know why at that moment I felt like crying. Or why I felt like crying when I awoke you earlier bc I was overwhelmed and over stimulated and I told you that I didn't know why he was still crying.

How at that moment I was panicking and I was venerable, for the first time, I tried to reach out to you about how I wish you would help me more, with less words.

I looked at you with blurry vision, I needed your help. And you asked me if I can make him a bottle.

I knew it then.

I struggled to carry out angry baby in my sore and really weak hands, my legs burning they too grow weary. I walked into the bathroom and look into the sink and every single one of his bottles laid there scattered dirty in the porcelain.

I knew I will never again no matter how much I struggle. How much I cry when our son is finally asleep in my arms. That I will never reach out to you again. I will let you rest and sleep.

And I will tend to my, our son alone during this nights and all day. And to appease you and your parents, I will get up and cook for you guys too and I will go through the motions of eating although, my hunger has died. Although the taste of food is growing ever numb in my tongue.

And even though I don't sleep nor am I getting sleep to the point that my head is light and I am dizzy. I will let you sleep and I will not utter a single word of help to you. Bc you are just like them mine love, you are just like everyone in my life who depends on me to help support them but I am objectively forgotten.

We have this routine. I stay awake with our son all night till 2 am when it's your "shift". Where you are supposed to get up and watch our son until you leave for work at 630.

Lately, I and you know this, I am awoken every time but our sons screams and I look over and he is in your arms. Why is he crying in your arms? Why when you know I haven't slept are you not actively trying to sooth him? Why is it at 3 or at 4, or at 5 that I have to force my pained body up from bed to take our son from you to sooth him myself?

And you say to me "I'm sorry", what? You're sorry? Again? Again?! I tell you, rock him, stand up and rock him. Hold him to your chest. He is still screaming and crying and you are just looking at him do this?

And I awake again, and I ask for my, our son and I out him to my chest and you say, " I tried that", and I bounce him and our son stops screaming. And he lays his head into my chest and he goes to sleep.

And then I hear you snore. And I have to stay awake until you wake up at 730 and leave to work.

And I stay at home, and I lay our son down and he sleeps and I try to sleep but there are calls coming in for our son and for myself. And I have to take the dogs outside, and I have to change the dirty sheets, and I have to eat at least sometime so I don't see that disappointed look and hear that disappointed tone in your voice.

And I struggle to sleep during the day. Between our sons short naps and our dogs demanding attention and our room going to disarray and me caring for other people in my family.

And my anxiety is eating away at me, and I want to sleep but I can't. And I am deteriorating infront of your eyes but I smile bc the weight of worrying you and your empty concern is just as painful.

I am tired.

[rantformemommy]

I don't know why I've been feeling sad lately. And not the type of sad where you're on the brink of tears every minute of every day, but the type that tightens around your heart. The type of sadness that upsets your stomach and makes every bone in your body ache for something that isn't there, and you're not even sure what's missing. There is a sense of loss and longing ruminating in the far corners of my psyche, a yearning with no distinct purpose. Do I simply want to be loved? Remembered? What do I want?

It's always hard to put into words this soul-crushing agony other than it feels like I'm paralyzed. Not only am I exhausted every morning when I wake up, tired every night and stressed out enough to put anyone else into a coma, but this unbridled pain is debilitating in every other instance. It's a pain that I can't even imagine how to get rid of, let alone imagine myself without. I often wonder if I was born with this hole in my chest because I cannot remember a time I didn't feel like this.

A part of me wants to cry for something. Belonging, maybe. Even among my family I feel unwanted. I love them so much and I feel like, besides maybe my mother and father, I'm never seen. I feel isolated from all of my friends and my loved ones. I even feel like my partner has distanced himself from me again and I don't know what I did wrong this time. How do I fix something I don't know how it got broken in the first place?

Not to pull a T-Swift, but maybe I am the problem. Maybe there is something just innately wrong with who I am as a person. If there were a painless way to leave my existence, I would have taken that road years ago. Now, I'm an adult with so much fear and pain in my heart that I would rather wither away to a place where I can only hope no one remembers me.

[chilumi-shipper]

"I'm sorry for always being so clumsy..." By reader to Childe.

P.S. Congrats for 500 followers!!

Clumsy Mistakes

Childe x Sensitive!GN!Reader (Both live in Liyue)

Summary: You have always been a clumsy fool, but Childe had proved many times that he accepts and loves that about you, he even finds it endearing sometimes. But when work related stress finally got to him, your lover just couldn't take you constantly ruining so many things for him anymore, so he shouts at you, spiting out the most hurtful words he could muster. Childe didn't realize what he had done, until you're suddenly just so scared of him.

Prompt: "I'm sorry for always being so clumsy..."

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

"GET THE FUCK OUT!" Childe had shouted at you, you're just helplessly crying in front of him, trying desperately to fix and pick up the papers you had wrecked from the floor.

All you wanted was to give him a piece of the cake you baked and a cup of coffee so that he wouldn't feel tired and droopy as he works, you know he likes to knock all his paper work in one day.

And yet again, your clumsiness took over, managing to make you slip and get the food you prepared all over the papers that Childe spent the whole week working on. At that moment, as you tried desperately to fix your mistake, all he could see was red.

"I... I'm so s-sorry, Ajax. I-I can help you clean it up---" You were cut off as Childe grabbed your wrist and yanked your body up, and instantly, your body shook in fear, tears started to form in your eyes from the bruising grip of his hand.

"I am so fucking done with you!" He threw your own arm at you, making you stumble back slightly. Your other hand gently gripped your bruised wrist, hissing at the pain. "I am so tired of your clumsy ass ruining everything for me!" He rubbed his hands on his face in sheer frustration.

"How in the world can someone be so weak?!"

"Aj--"

"I would've been so much better off if I just never met you!"

You couldn't say anything, his words sent endless jabs to your heart. But just knowing that what he said really is true, it just broke you apart even more. It is your fault that he lost a lot of work progress, It is your fault that this is happening, it is your fault that his life is going downhill.

It's always your fault.

"Didn't you hear me?! I said get the fuck out!" You felt immense fear consume you as Childe grabs your wrist again, his harsh grip making your bruise ache even more. You whimpered as he dragged you to the door, and it feels like your wrist is finally bleeding.

"A-Ajax, please, it hurts!" You finally screamed at him, but he ignored you, throwing outside of his work room.

You fell onto the floor, hot tears streaming down your face. He had slammed the door shut on you, and you're left to cry in the living room of your shared house.

Slowly, you got up, resting your back on the wall and hugging your knees as you let your tears fall, sobbing quietly.

You hated how you couldn't control your sobs, your lungs burned from choking on your own frustration.

Just like everyone in your life, Childe had finally realized as well, how pathetic you really are.

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

Childe felt a pit in his stomach all day at work, he couldn't wait until he got home. He wanted to apologize, he might've been mad about what happened, but that's no excuse for hurting you, both emotionally and physically.

The Harbinger had planned to make it up to you, cook you your favorite dinner, give you a massage, cuddle with you all night, maybe even take you out for a date!

Yet it felt like he was slapped in the face, as he sees you cowering in fear right in front of him, were you scared of... him?

Childe's heart ached as you shook in fear, every time he was even remotely coming closer to you, your eyes would water and your fist would clench, like you think he's gonna hurt you.

He still cooked your favorite food that night, but instead of feasting at it like you usually would, you just stared down onto your hands, not saying a single thing as your food remains untouched.

He tried to give you a massage, but even just him offering immediately made you shook you head.

And it was finally time for bed, maybe this time, you'll let him at least hug you.

His hope was crushed instantly when you grabbed a pillow and a blanket from the drawers. "Y/N?" You froze, you were just about to leave the room when he called for you, you refused to look at him.

"You're not sleeping here?" The answer was obvious, but Childe was just hoping that maybe he'll be able to convince you to stay with his sad voice.

You shook your head and the man behind you sighed, you wouldn't even talk to him.

You were just about out of the bedroom when your clumsiness got you again, making you trip on literally nothing and falling onto the floor.

"Y/N!" Childe was beside you right away, worry laced in his expression.

As he tried to help you, you scrambled away from him immediately. "Y/N, please... just let me help." Out of instinct, he grabbed your wrist to assist you, when you whimpered though, he let go of you.

"Ahhh... Nooo..." You cried, taking your wrist away from him and bringing it to your chest.

"Y/N..." Childe knew exactly where that bruise came from... him. He slides closer to you, ignoring you silent pleas, he lifted you up, before gently laying you down on your shared bed.

You avoided eye contact with him, and he just sighs.

"If you really don't feel comfortable sleeping beside me, then... you can sleep here, I'll sleep on the couch." Childe had turned around, picking up the pillow and blanket that you dropped, ready to head out.

...

"A-Ajax..." You called for him, and heavens did his name sound so good coming from you.

"I'm sorry for always being so clumsy..." The way your voice sounded, how you sounded so ashamed of yourself. He turned around to face you before smiling.

"Hey, at least you're not an asshole that hurts people you love when you're angry." Childe had said jokingly, before walking out and closing your bedroom door.

...

...

...

Childe felt a little kiss land on his lips, his tired eyes opening.

He saw your beautiful face, lit by the moonlight that shone through the window. He felt another kiss again, after that, hearing your quiet giggle.

"Goodnight, Ajax. I love you." One final kiss on his lips, you stood up, ready to go back to bed. As you walked away from his "sleeping" form, a smile formed on his face... you two would always say I love you to each other and a quick kiss every night.

You'd probably be embarrassed if he ever bring this up, so it'll just be his little secret.

"I love you too, Y/N."

~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~

This actually made me cry a bit while I was typing, hehe. I hope you like it, angst is one of my favorite things to write. Thank you for requesting!!!

[seijohsbabe]

Necking

Ship: Bully!A.Miya x Reader

Tw: smut, nicknames, kinda Exhibitionism, humiliation, swear words, degradation, bullying, noncon

Wordcount: 2,5k

a/n: Please im craving for feedback or some love, I’m so sensitive rn lmao, need some confirmation that my stuff what I write is good for you guys <3

When they said high school was going to be a great time, it was a huge lie. It was hell. It wasn't the school stress, your grades were good, but there was someone in your class who kept an eye on you for no reason. Unfortunately not as you would have hoped, but the complete opposite. Atsumu Miya, pro athlete volleyball player. When you started school two years ago, you were seated right next to him. He looked nice, with his nice lazy grin, and his perfectly styled hair. But at some point evil emerged from behind this facade.

It started very small. Your things were broken, your locker was broken open, and things in there were stolen or destroyed as well. You didn't know who it was, but it wasn't a great feeling. But the whole thing really started in your second year. Right on your first day, Atsumu spilled hot coffee on your blouse. Of course, you thought it was accidental, happens to everyone. But as Atsumu became more and more aggressive with his actions, you slowly became suspect. He started to pull your hair as you walked by, put one leg in the middle of the hallway so that you flew in the middle of the floor, your skirt slipped up slightly and your books scattered all over the aisle, while Atsumu and the rest of the group just kept going. At some point, you turned to a tutor, but he denied everything.

,,Atsumu our professional volleyball player? No way“ Your parents don't let you change schools anymore, it would be too much effort, it's only 1 1/2 years left.

And so your judgment was made, another 1 1/2 years of hell with Atsumu Miya.

Half a year later, at the beginning of the last school year at this school, he exceeded all limits. He was getting more and more touchy with you.

You still sat next to him and it didn't make it any easier. In the middle of class, his long, strong hands grabbed your thighs to get higher and higher. Your hands clapped against his in protest, but he didn't mind, on the contrary, while the teacher turned around and you two sat in the back row anyway, he put your hair back so that your neck was free to attack it with his mouth, to make a big red mark.

"Now everybody can see what a slut you are." He only whispered before he wrote something for the class, which the teacher dictated without even give you a second glance.

He didn't stop with anything until today. Instead, he did even more to make your life hell. You didn't know why, and why exactly you, but unfortunately you got used to it. Falling down, the tease in class, hurting you in any way, no matter whether emotionally or physically. Today it was that time again, history and Atsumu was next to you again. He came into class with his smug grin as always, every girl turned around, but he didn't pay any attention to any of them, instead, he looked straight at you. The other girls followed his gaze to give you a dark look, but that left you cold. Only Atsumu was able to scare you. You never knew what he was up to today, what he had new on the reservation, the last time it was a volleyball that was wrongly set in your face, while you only wanted to get a message to one of his team colleagues, another time he had spilled juice over your perfect notes for class. In front of the teacher, he apologized to you several times, but you saw his big grin after the teacher turned again and the class continued. It was a vicious circle that you could never escape.

So when the lesson took its course and everything was going well so far, it wasn't long before you felt his hands on your thighs again. He only wandered up to your skirt hem and down again, but this time he even went under what your eyes read wide. He wouldn't? His face stayed calm and focused, he even nodded sometimes, but his fingers slowly pushed your panties to the side to slide his finger through your slit. It made you gasp and press your thighs together. But he just pinched you, and a small, "Let them open."

You didn't want to push him to go any further, thinking how should you push him further? He was just passing one of the last borders. His fingers ran repeatedly through your cunt, while you had to bite your hand in order not to get too loud. "Oh you Lil slut, I know you want it." He whispered softly and deliberately. But you couldn't answer at the moment, luckily the hand was still buried in your mouth while he suddenly sank 2 fingers into you. This time you couldn't help but moan softly.

,,Y/n? everything okay?“ the teacher asked.

,,Y-yes, I'm just tired." Fortunately, the teacher didn't notice anything from the hand under your skirt, but this left Atsumu unimpressed and got faster and faster with his pace, while he watched you briefly with an amused grin that you have to groan loudly, but it wasn't going to end well, so you clench your teeth and try to think of something else.

He hissed in anger that you were taking it so far. So when he tilted his fingers a little and hit your point, you groaned. It was unexpected that he hit that spot. With an evil grin, he looked over at you, his fingers now taken back.

,,Y/n, I think you should maybe breathe some fresh air don't you think? Atsumu Kun, please stay with her.“ Your teacher spoke again.

If he came with you now, what would he do to you?

,,No it's okay I can go on my-" you tried to talk yourself out of it, but a certain someone had to talk over you, of course. "Oh no y/n, you will fall over afterward, you're already so pale, come on.“

And with that, he pulled you out of the classroom followed by several strange looks from the students and the teacher.

He pulled you by your upper arm as you stumbled behind him. You dared not speak, too afraid that he might come up with a stupid idea. Nobody was in the hallway, everyone was in their class. Your steps could be heard in the whole corridor, until he suddenly stopped in front of a door and you slammed in his back. Your eyes examined the door before you were dragged in. It was the boy's toilet you were dragged into.

He pulled you into one of the cabins to lock it behind you with one click. Then he pressed you firmly against the door, holding you completely captive with his size, with no way out. He looked down at you, with an omniscient grin. He had something bad on his mind and you just hoped that you would still live after that. Of course, he noticed your fear and clicked his tongue a few times while he shook his head thoughtfully.

"Oh my little y/n-chan, don't be afraid, I'm gonna show ya something real‘ good. Believe me, you'll like it."

But you didn't like a thing he did, so you just looked up at him suspiciously. His blond hair fell slightly on his face, his brown eyes glistened at you. Slowly his hands sank down to get under your skirt. This time your hands pressed onto his well-trained chest while he clasped your cunt.

"Still so wet for me, my lil slut hmm?" Your head shook, but he just grinned wider.

"Oh you will see, later you'll be begging for my cock." With these words, he tore your blouse open and then tossed it on the floor next to you. His gaze wandered over your body, back up to your eyes. You just stood there, looking at him, no clue of what to do. He moved quickly to take off his uniform to show his muscles that smelled of strength. He leans down to stop just in front of your face. One hand leaned against the door the other brushed through your hair. You looked at him dreamily, you were just too much in thoughts of what to do when he caught your lips with his lips. It caught you by surprise, with widening eyes. You already had your first kiss, but this one was nothing compared to this one.

Atsumu was dominant, demanding, and quick. He thrust his tongue into your mouth to exude even more dominance. Until it went down and down, leaving a trail of spit until it met your collarbone, to stop there and suck onto the skin. Your hands found themselves in his hair again, pulled tight, which made him grunt. After a while, he broke away to look at his work of art from afar. He looked satisfied, and ran his thumb over it until he stared into your eyes again.

In a short time, his hands were back on his shoulders to push you down with force. You couldn't fight it and let yourself fall with your knees on the floor. It made you wince, the stabbing pain went through your whole body. His hands were now on his pants to slowly open them to let them and his underpants in one moment fall. His cock jumped against you. It pulsed. The tip was already leaking pre-cum. The size alone made you swallow. He just laughed down at you while he saw your amazed face. His hands were now in your hair to twist them around and have a closer grip on you.

"Suck" he directed you with your lips to his penis. "I don't think I-" and again he interrupted you, "Oh you can baby, and you will, now suck." He said with an annoyed tone. Your hands clasped his penis. They just fit drum. You started with little kitten licks along the tip and the length, but that wasn't enough for him. He pulled your hair to make you look up. "Take it in your dirty mouth you slut."

You just nodded, to look at its length one time again. Your mouth opened slowly to lie over the first few centimeters, but Atsumu was impatient, rolled his eyes, and directed your head down. Quickly his tip tapped against your throat and you had to gag, but there were still a few centimeters left. His hand in your hair, the strong grip made you wince while he guides your head up and down at an even faster pace. Your gagging noises echoed in the whole boys toilet, your spit ran out of your mouth down on your chin.

His other hand leaned above you on the door, his head hanging down, eyes closed. "Fuck- just like that baby." He groaned while his rhythm slowly decreased. Your eyes watered, and tears ran down your face.

Suddenly he pulled you away from his cock, and looked at your weeping face, spit ran down your face mixed with your tears.

"Look at you, already so fucked out." He laughed more to himself. Then he tugged you up on your hair, your scalp burned. When you were on your feet again, he finally let go of it. He suddenly turned you around and pressed your face to the door. Your cheek squeezed against the hard material as Atsumu tore your panties under your skirt. "I needed them!" you whined to him.

"Not anymore." He lifted your skirt slightly to collect your wetness again with one finger.

He took it with relish in his mouth as if he were trying the most delicious chocolate in the world. With a "pop" he let it slide out of his mouth, and groaned at your taste.

"You know y/n-Chan, I've always dreamed about that right here, and finally I can do it in real, it's just fuck- so much better than I imagined."

Your hands pressed against the wall of the cabin, which was getting hotter and hotter as you tried to see what he was going to do. However, when you felt his cock stroking along your entrance, the panic came up.

,,Please Atsumu! Dont do this please!“

But before you could continue, he buried himself in you with a jolt. To be filled with the stabbing pain all at once was not exactly pleasant. Especially with his size it was not really easy to accept the whole thing that fast. But he didn't even give you time for that, as he began to pounding right inside you while his hands were on your hips. Now you had to let out a moan too.

Although it burned, the feeling of being completely filled was so pleasant. So lapsed in lust you didn't notice at first that he hit you on your butt. Only when he hit it a second time you had to let out a small cry. "You like that don’t you? My lil cumslut. Fuck your sucking me in, so g-gready for my cock huh?“

And with the constant pace and one more hit on your butt, the knot of lust burst and you saw stars. You were afraid your legs were going to give up so much they wobbled. Your moans echoed trough the whole boys toilet, maybe even on the hall.

Worst of all, Atsumu kept his tremendous pace. The overstimulation was too much for you to make you cry. But he just grinned as always and gripped your hips even tighter.

Out of nowhere, he turned you around to pick you up by your thighs and push you against the cabin door. The door rattled loudly, you were almost afraid it would fall apart.

He picked up his lost pace again while your senses are completely out of order. All you felt was his length in you. The tip kissed your point with every thrust. Your hands, which were still just on his shoulders, were now holding on to his neck to pull him closer and press his lips tightly onto yours. You needed something to hold on.

The pace slowed down for a moment, because he was probably surprised, but didn't let himself be confused for long until he hammered into you again. You both moan into the kiss until Atsumu broke up and took you one more time into consideration. Your eyes rolled back, your tongue peeked out a little, and your hands went up to pull on his hair. "Aw come on, another one, you can do it." You just cried towards him, the pleasure overwhelmed you completely.

The knot got bigger as Atsumu put pressure on your clitoris while he penetrated your point further. „Fuck, im cumming! Come on, come with me baby.“ He groaned head back in his neck. Your legs clasped him tightly while the pressure rose again and everything is twice as sensitive as before. ,,I-I, too much Atsumu-" you've mumbled. And with his last final snap you cummed together. He shot his semen into you, white long strings painted your walls white while you were trembling. He groaned with you together until he let go of your legs and let you sit on the floor.

As he dressed again like nothing happened, he looked at your trembling figure, completely fucked out, cum dribbling out of you. He stuck a finger in your cunt to push the cum back in, and took your chin between his fingers to make you look him in the face. "Better not to waste any of my present, you dumb Lil’ bitch alright?" And with that he walked out of the cabin even hummed a little song while you were completely out of your mind on the floor, trembling.

[gemma-collins-ily]

Hello, I wanted to ask for a request with Jesper? I wanted to see him being very protective of the reader. Maybe he saves her from a fight during a job or something (like, she can handle herself just fine but ended up getting trapped by a lot of guards idk) and he comes and shoots them at last minute and is very worried because she did got hurt. Then later she can be all like "it's nothing, I'm fine" but he insists on patching her up and caring for her wounds (maybe make it a soft moment with him being all gentle and lovey with her), kinda blaming himself for her getting hurt, and maybe then confessions are made? Thank you :D

Fools In Love

a/n - yessss more Jesper appreciation! He needs more credit! It sounds a bit creepy in the beginning I'm sorry 😭 Also Jesper and the pet name lovely ugh my heart! Thanks for the request xoxo💕♥️

Warnings: knives, blood, alcohol (used for cleaning of injuries), brief mentions of nausea and not sure what else!

Partners.

That's all you were. That's what Jesper kept telling himself, at least.

But it was so strange with you - he felt so strange with you. Like he should protect you, admire you, love you, care for you whenever he could.

He felt you should always be in his heart, and you were. Some part of him, yet every part of him, was saved for you.

On the days he was truly tired, had run errand after errand, participated in a heist, anything that exhausted him, he would save just a simple smile or two for you.

Because he felt he couldn't, and shouldn't, leave you without one. He needed you to be in his life and wanted you to need him too. He wanted you to rely on the him as he would you, and most importantly, deeply desired that you could love him the way he did you.

This was not in a warped version of reality, a figment of his mind and imagination as a sick, manipulative goal, he only wanted to be loved.

By someone. Alright, anyone. Any person. Admittedly, one specific person.

He wanted to be loved by you.

Jesper knew he did, in fact, love you. And when he realised, his heart had raced, Nina looking up in alarm before seeing the lovestruck bliss upon his face.

Jesper Fahey was in love with you.

And boy, was he in trouble now.

Chaos.

You were extremely similar to Jesper in that way: the way that meant it followed you wherever you went. There was no escaping the chaos, not when you were apparently born from the very depths of it yourself and had a friend quite the same.

A friend.

That's all you were.

It sent a pang of agony rippling through your chest, possibly enough to send you to your knees, but you swiftly shook the thought away.

Focus was what was needed.

Although, it seemed so tempting to think of him, to picture his face in your mind's eye one last time. One last time before you died.

Because it had been going well. But later, there was a high chance of fatality. But, you decided to do what you did best, instead of giving into the niggling voices that told you to remember every brush of the arm, every smile across a room, every chair he pulled out for you; instead, you decided to give into something else.

You decided, to give in to the chaos.

Your strategy was giving fairly good results, just as you had anticipated, considering it always did. Going with your gut seemed to be the best way of going about it, and it was.

Until it wasn't.

Since you were now improvising and no one appeared to be taking any notice of the shots fired, or grunts of pain heard, when even more men than previously swarmed the alley, you were taken aback.

You had not predicted how much effort the rival gang you were on a heist against would gamble on you, sending out what seemed to be the majority of their forces for just one person.

You supposed that meant whatever Kaz had up his sleeve would work fairly easily now though, the level of guard lowered and their numbers dilapidated.

He better thank me later.

Just as you flipped a man over your back, quickly and efficiently leaning down over him, your shadow looming as your hand reached for your knife that was meant to be in your belt.

"Looking for this?"

You gasped and your eyes boggled as your dagger, that the man beneath you had obviously stolen, plunged into your side, the hilt far from buried in your torso as you recovered from the shock as soon as you could find it in your abilities to.

Another knife was ripped out of a corpse beside you and burrowed in his chest, right above his heart, before he could register what was taking place.

You stood, groaning as you clasped the sore flesh surrounding your wound, not yet having pulled out the weapon to prevent further blood loss.

You spun to face the remaining gang members behind you, grimacing as you felt the bile slip upward in your throat, stubbornly rising no matter how many times you swallowed.

Now you had nothing. Nothing to defend yourself with and nothing to help you in this fight. Nothing and no one.

Dying alone was a nauseating fear, circling through your head and running rampage, sending you into a frenzied panic.

Your back hit the wall, the skin burning as it was grazed against the bricks and your heart racing as you failed to bend to the side, only a grunt sounding from your throat as your hand pressed further against your abdomen.

In that moment, you closed your eyes and prayed. Simply prayed to the Saints you had once ridiculed with Kaz, hoping there was a chance, if even just a miniscule one, that you could be saved.

And maybe Inej had been right all along, that you owed her an overdue apology, because maybe, just maybe, Saints did exist.

And perhaps, Jesper Fahey was yours.

He came barrelling around the corner, your eyes clenched tightly shut as you heard gunshots ring out, believing that moment could be your end, that heist your undoing.

But no, because when you peered through your lashes, swaying precariously on your feet, he was there.

You gaped in shock, confusion and finally, joy. You wanted to jump into his arms, tell him of your gratefulness, all because he hadn't left you alone.

Dying was no incredible feat: it happened in Ketterdam everyday, bodies piled in corners and rotting in the dank, narrow streets. To die with no one to close your eyes, only being forced to gaze glassily into the deep grey sky, or no friend to comfort you in your last seconds or less, even, seemed terrifying.

Although, now you wouldn't have to worry about that. Because he was here.

Jesper rushed to you, nimbly leaping over corpses and stepping around barrels or other obstructions, eyes full of concern that only grew when his line of sight landed upon your side.

You could only weakly smile as his arm was slung over your shoulders and his other was suddenly dipping below your upper leg.

"Jes, I don't need picking up!"

"Hmm... I beg to differ, darling. So do your knees apparently."

That was when you realised just how they had buckled and how much of your weight you were making him support. You sighed and gave a sheepish yet irked nod, giving consent to let him swoop you off your feet, and he did so without hesitance after he observed your approval.

He traipsed through the streets, using his knowledge of shady back alleys to keep away from crowds and even if he had swaggered down the main street, no one would have batted an eye.

Or offered help. Ketterdam was not the place for helpful neighbors or friendly coworkers, and often the inhabitants were cruel, selfish and overall generally appeared to be disappointed with their whole lives.

Go figure.

The capital of Kerch was not an actual hospitable place, but some little nooks and crannies could just squeeze you into a sort of community. You had once known a baker that had given you free whole loafs of bread, shaking you off when you tried to pay.

Your palm was still positioned flat over your wound, digging in uncomfortably and your fingers splayed slightly in the air. You didn't dare move it, not making a sound either, only letting soft whines out when Jesper shifted you in his arms, to which he would respond with an apologetic gaze, no words said.

The scratch was not life threateningly deep, just shocking, and well, frightening; it reminded you anything could happen, just one simple change of plan could kill you.

It mortalised you in a way, made you think of how easily it could all be over. Sometimes, galavanting off with the Crows, searching giddily for trinkets with Nina and Jes made you feel as though you could do anything, stay in that moment forever.

But you were human. And right then, you had a knife in your side. Maybe it would have been better to pull it out, considering now every jostle sourced from your friend's sharp steps, heels tapping forcefully on the stones, could possibly send the dagger closer to your ribcage or organs.

"Jes."

"Yes, love?"

"Pull it. Please."

It was a beg for help, and a desperate one after he had only glanced down at you as he continued walking when answering to his name.

He did as you asked, laying you down to the side for a moment. He always had, providing whatever you needed and doing what you thought was best when it came to you.

"Ready? It'll hurt, lovely."

"You're making me more stressed, just do it already!"

It was true. You had broken a sweat as he had been trying to prepare you, beads of perspiration forming on your hairline.

If you had expected another warning, he certainly surprised you by wrenching the mini sword out of your side without anything else said. You cried out, gasping like a fish out of water and feeling just so, the crusting of the aging blood aiding that.

"I know, I know. Just give me a sec, okay? It'll be fine."

Jesper continued to mutter reassurances as he wrapped your scarf around your lower back and torso. The hardest part was when you had to lift your hips and rotate your body slightly so his slender fingers could grasp the other end of the garment to tie it together fully.

"I know. It's okay, yeah? It's fine."

He was in now way immature but his voice was definitely becoming higher and squeakier in fear: the tell tale lurching of his stomach appeared as he accidentally took a glance at the deep crimson blossoming over the scarf and staining his hands, managing to seep into the creases of his palms, depositing itself under his previously pristine nails and cuticles.

You could tell he was worried as he picked you up once more, yelping out a 'sorry' when his wrist brushed your blazing, sensitive flesh.

It was a troublesome trip to return to the Slat, Jesper aggravating the cut when he shifted to prevent you from slipping downward.

Once you were there however, you were adamant you could treat your injuries yourself, only really having a few minor scrapes and bruises, especially a sort of natural eyeshadow in the form of a black eye that had not fully appeared, yet was still already prominent.

You practically tumbled out of Jesper's arms, limping up the stairs to your room while the Zemeni followed closely behind you, a hand on the small of your back to support you while you found your balance, ticklish tingles spreading from the spot his fingertips made contact with your shoulder blades.

"Jes, I really don't need help, like, at all. Just let me-"

You were cut off as he pulled the alcohol out of your grasp, grinning in that charming way only he could pull off, only serving to irritate you further as he winked.

"Sure you don't. It's just that I can help. And I will, alright? I don't care if you don't agree, it's happening."

With that, the scarf was gently pulled from your skin, a hiss drawn from you as the rag he had tipped the alcohol onto touched your side. You forced yourself to control a flinch, only shying away a little as his unoccupied hand came absentmindedly and immediately to your unharmed side, pushing you back to have the cloth back on your skin, scooting you along the desk you were perched on.

"Just a bit more. I promise, darling."

You nodded, gritting your teeth against the pain until it subsided, choosing to focus on the warm and calloused hand resting on your other side, not yet removed.

"Alright, now it's only the little things."

Your mouth opened to protest, explain you could easily do that yourself, but Jesper only tutted under his breath and used two fingers to close your jaw and tilt your head simultaneously to observe the shiner decorating your eye.

"None of that. Now, all we've got is this, which I can't do much about, and that nasty gash on your arm."

He didn't think about what he was doing, how casually and carefully he was caring for you, as though you were a china doll, porcelain and fractured, broken with any move that was not delicate.

You didn't think about how much you enjoyed someone looking after you for once, taking such a chunk of his time to simply stand between your legs and help.

Suddenly, as you pouted and your bottom lip was drawn between your teeth, withholding a groan while he cleansed your upper forearm, his thumb came up to untuck your lip, barely ghosting over it, although the feeling was still so delicious. Tantalising.

And his arm dropped, cloth soaked with a random drink dropping to the rug as his gaze stayed on your lips. And he leant in, as did you, finally sharing a sweet kiss, tender and loving, all things beautiful and wondrous.

His stare burned into the floor as it drew downward, a murmur heard drifting through the air a few seconds later, "You know, I was so worried about you?" You moved to speak before he hushed you, "No, just let me... I'm saying, I was more concerned than a friend probably should have been. Maybe, I mean I don't know. Actually nevermind..."

But he never had a chance to finish as his locks of chocolate brown were swept away from his forehead, a kiss planted there in replacement.

"I'd love to go out with you, Jes, love. Or, I mean, whatever you want to do..."

Chuckles filled the room pleasantly as you both laughed together, cheeks flushed and lips almost swollen, at your embarrassment and haplessness, plus the lack of tact.

You supposed you were just fools in love. And in that moment, you wanted to be suspended there, floating forever.

With him.