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[judescomrade]

{Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath/ Cynthia D'Aprix Sweeney, The Nest/ Hanya Yanagihara, A Little Life/ Susan Sontag/ Liv Ullmann, from Changing (Knopf, 1976)/ Katherine Mansfield, in a letter to J.M. Murry, dated December 14, 1919, Letters and Journals of Katherine Mansfield (Penguin Classics, 1977)/ Anne Sexton,A Self-Portrait in Letters/ Anne Sexton,A Self-Portrait in Letters/ Richard Siken/ Papi/ Anais Nin/ Ghada Al-Samman/ Mary Oliver, A Thousand Mornings}

[judescomrade]

{Juansen Dizon, I Am The Architect of My Own Destruction page 24/ Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 6: 1955-1966/ Alice Hoffman, The Red Garden/ Anaïs Nin, from The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 5: 1947-1955/ Haruki Murakami: Norwegian Wood, page 276/ Michael Ondaatje/ Catherynne M. Valente, The Orphan's Tales: In the Night Garden/ D.H. Lawrence, from The Complete Works; The Plumbed Serpent/ Jean-Paul Sartre, from No Exit/ Alice Notley, from In The Pines: Poems; "In The Pines,"}

[judescomrade]

I desperately need a list of books that make me feel the way I felt while reading if we were villains

[judescomrade]

Songs and a little life.

My best friend and I are insane so we wrote this. Also it’s mostly Taylor Swift songs.

“Stay down” - Wasn't a fighter until somebody told me / I had better learn to lean into the punch / So it don't hurt as bad when they leave / There you were, turning your cheek - He doesn’t know this now, but in the years to come he will, again and again, test Harold’s claims of devotion, will throw himself against his promises to see how steadfast they are. He won’t even be conscious that he’s doing this. But he will do it anyway, because part of him will never believe Harold and Julia - At times he wondered if he was making the same mistake again. Was it better to trust or better to be wary? Could you have a real friendship if some part of you was always expecting betrayal?”

“Dark paradise”-And there's no remedy for memory / Your face is like a melody /It won't leave my head / Your soul is haunting me / And telling me that everything is fine / But I wish I was dead Have you all forgotten? he dares to ask.- Have you all forgotten him? Have you forgotten how much I need him? Have you forgotten how to be alive without him? Who can teach me, who can tell me what should I do?

“If I could fly”- If I could fly / I'd be coming right back home to you - “Te para tres” - Un sorbo de distracción / Buscando descifrarnos /No hay nada mejor, no hay nada mejor / Que casa - The best part about going away is coming home. Who said that? Not him, but it might as well have been, he thinks as he moves through the apartment…

“Soon you’ll get better” - Holy orange bottles, each night, I pray to you / Desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus too - At night, he prayed to a god he didn’t believe in, and hadn’t for years: Help me, help me, help me, he pleaded.

“This is me trying” - Pulled the car off the road to the lookout / Could've followed my fears all the way down /And maybe I don't quite know what to say /But I'm here in your doorway/ I just wanted you to know that this is me trying /“This is me trying - But what Andy never understood about him was this: he was an optimist. Every month, every week, he chose to open his eyes, to live another day in the world. He did it when he was feeling so awful that sometimes the pain seemed to transport him to another state, one in which everything, even the past that he worked so hard to forget, seemed to fade into a gray watercolor wash. He did it when his memories crowded out all other thoughts, when it took real effort, real concentration, to tether himself to his current life, to keep himself from raging with despair and shame. He did it when he was so exhausted of trying, when being awake and alive demanded such energy that he had to lie in bed thinking of reasons to get up and try again,

“Gold rush” - Everybody wants you / Everybody wonders what it would be like to love you - Even Malcom noticed how women reacted around Willem.

“Cardigan” - But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss / I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs - All the most terrifying ifs involve people. All the good ones do as well.

“Body”- Cause I've grown tired of this body /A cumbersome and heavy body- Sometimes, all he has to do is sit up, and he will be reminded, as if slapped across the face, that his body owns him, not the other way around.

“You & I”- You and I , we don’t wanna be like them - They were inventing their own type of relationship.

“Photograph” - We keep this love in a photograph / we make these memories for ourselves/ where our eyes are never closing / hearts are never broken / and time’s forever frozen - He hadn’t needed to catalog his life after all—Willem had been doing it for him all along.

“It’s nice to have a friend”- You've been stressed out lately, yeah, me too /Something gave you the nerve / To touch my hand / It's nice to have a friend - At one point he leans against Willem’s side, from exhaustion and affection, but isn’t even aware he’s done so until he feels Willem move his arm and put it around him.

“Daylight” -I wanna be defined by the things that I love /Not the things I hate / Not the things I'm afraid of, I'm afraid of / Or the things that haunt me in the middle of the night / I, I just think that/ You are what you love - He will be someone who is defined, first and always, by what he is missing.

“Coney Island” -And when I got into the accident / The sight that flashed before me was your face - “No!” he shouts , or thinks he does, and then, in an instant, he sees a flash of Jude’s face.

“ ‘tis the damn season” - And wonder about the only soul / Who can tell which smiles I'm fakin' -He knows what Willem’s different smiles mean; when he is watching him being interviewed on television, he can always tell when he is smiling because he’s truly amused and when he is smiling to be polite.

“invisible string” - Time, curious time / Gave me no compasses, gave me no signs /Were there clues I didn't see? /And isn't it just so pretty to think /All along there was some /Invisible string /Tying you to me? - Wherever she went, wherever I went, there it would be, that shining twined string that stretched and pulled but never broke.

“So long”-So if we knew all along/ Why did it take so long? /We've known it since we were young / So why did it take so long? -But part of me wonders if it was always meant to be this way; I mean, I’ve dated and dated for decades now, and maybe the reason it’s never worked out is because it was never meant to, because I was supposed to be with him all along.

“Long story short” - And he's passing by / Rare as the glimmer of a comet in the sky /And he feels like home /If the shoe fits, walk in it everywhere you go- That night he reads in bed as he waits for Willem to come home, but falls asleep anyway and wakes to Willem’s hand on the side of his face. "You’re home," he says, and smiles at him, and Willem smiles back.

“Two slow dancers” - It would be a hundred times easier / If we were young again - We are so old, we have become young again.

"Long live" -the night you danced like you knew our lives would never be the same- For a while they moved slowly and clumsily, looking at each other, silent. "See?" Willem said, quietly. "You’re dancing."

“Afterglow”- this ultraviolet morning light below /tells me this love is worth the fight - But they would both keep trying, because they trusted the other, and because the other person was the only other person who ever be worth such hardships, such difficulties, such insecurities and exposure.

“marjorie” - I should've asked you questions / I should've asked you how to be / Asked you to write it down for me -But why had Willem cared about him so much? Why had he wanted to spend so much time around him? He had never been able to understand this, and now he never will.

“futile devices” - It's been a long, long time / Since I've memorized your face- He has known Willem for so long, has looked at his face so many times, that he is never able to see him anew: his face is better known to him than his own. He knows its every expression.

[judescomrade]

𝘢𝘩, 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘢 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘰𝘭𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘮𝘶𝘴𝘪𝘤

[judescomrade]

willem ragnarasson in a little life by hanya yanagihara, matilda by harry styles, landscapes of wyoming by seth tummins, dawn chandler, and scott christensen

[judescomrade]

[judescomrade]

A Little Life, dir. Ivo Van Hove, 2021

[judescomrade]

Jesus Christ I wasn’t ready to read this

the parallels between the marauders and a little life characters make me want to throw myself off a cliff. ( remus as jude, sirius as willem, peter as jb and james as malcolm )

[judescomrade]

can’t stop thinking about the way Willem said “Talk to me Jude St Francis, tell me things” during the play I’m shaking as we speak

[judescomrade]

[judescomrade]

How am I supposed to go to class tomorrow? How am I supposed to do anything after this?

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"You'll have to find your own way to discuss what's happened to you," he remembers Ana saying. "You'll have to, if you ever want to be close to anyone."

[judescomrade]

my sweetheart :(

[judescomrade]

the way my therapist is gonna lecture me after she finds out I watched this play

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Like I’m literally doing homework to calm myself down while I wait for it to start

I don’t even know how I’m gonna survive this livestream

[judescomrade]

I don’t even know how I’m gonna survive this livestream