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iameks · 2 years

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So this should be the only social that no one that knows me in real life has and I need to vent, to take things out without anyone knowing about it so here I am. I wanna say sorry to those who follow me, I know it's something you don't give a shit about but I hope you can bare with me for just this post, I'll start to share post about my favs otp after this and I won't bother you with my life.

I know I'm a mess, I know my life is a mess and that I should just buckle it up like any adult is suppose to and do something about it and I swear that I try, even if it doesn't seem that way.

I know that what people around me see is just a lazy person spending her day on the phone or pc instead of searching for a job or studying to get a degree, but no one knows how actually hard it is for me to just get out of bed every day or how is so difficult to go against my mind and decide to go out from time to time, even if it's just to buy groceries.

I know it's stupid, a 26 years old woman should probably "eat the world", should be eager to find her independence, should live her life to the fullest, but it's not that easy.

Yesterday my brother and cousins, with my aunt and uncle ambushed me in a meeting to tell me how important it is for me to find a job so that I can help my family and so that I can have my independence, they said that I probably do not realize how bad the situation is cause all I do is staying home and just stay on the phone, that I never go out, and that the moment my mom gave money to my cousin since I'm living with her should have been my wake up call to how much important is for me to go out and find a job.

I know they are not in my head and that they'll never know how much I struggle cause I put up an act in front of everyone like I always do since high school, but they hurt me, they hurt me really badly, so much so that right now all I can think about is that I need to find a job just to get away from everyone.

They said they did that ambush because they all care about me and want to know what's my problem, what is the thing that blocks me, but they did it in the worst way possible. They decided to do it all together because they didn't want me to feel attacked, except that it is exactly how I felt, how I still feel after a day.

And I'm angry, so angry, cause except for my brother whom btw talked to me just while raising his voice, no one of the others ever tried to come to me and talk. They cared so much, but not enough to talk to me face to face? Idk.

And I know they have a point, because yes I do need to find a job asap, but couldn't they try to respect my feelings? Or my pride? Do they really had to include everyone and made me feel like a piece of shit who doesn't want to help out?

I just feel like they all "cared" cause I'm family, like blood related or something idk, but not because of me, because what they did just proved that they don't know me, that no one in this family knows me, cause being put on the spot like yesterday doesn't give me motivation at all, it just makes me wanna disappear from everyone's life.

I don't know I'm probably just rambling and repeating myself at this point, I started to cry and I can't put my thoughts together anymore at the moment.

I just feel sorry for them, probably sucks to have such a person like me in their life, cause that's how they made me feel, like I'm just a burden to all them, so I'm sorry for that, but I swear it's not that I'm not trying at all, but it's so fucking hard to stop my mind, to overcome my own fear and thoughts and feelings of not being enough, and even if I don't show it, I'm really trying my best even if it's not enough, it will never be enough, I know, but it's really not how they all think.

I kinda wish they new that, it's sad they'll never know.

#Sorry I know my thoughts are somewhat disconnected #Like it's not a straight life of thought or something #I just wrote what I felt without caring about the rest #I don't even know if it makes sense since I didn't re-read it before posting #Again I'm sorry for this post won't do another i swear #I just needed to ease what I had inside before exploding #my thoughts #my feelings

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losingmymindtonight · 5 years

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Ok, but speaking of The West Wing, that scene when Pres. Bartlett is being rolled into emergency surgery on a freaking gurney after being SHOT and is just like "If I don't speak to my daughter in the next minute I'm gonna start throwing punches" cause Zoey was throwing up... Have you ever seen something more Irondad than that?

I’ve been wanting to write this since I saw that episode and since one of my favorite authors brought it up, I must fulfill. And THEN I hear that it was your birthday, so now it’s MANDATORY that I offer you writing as a ceremonial gift. It’s not nearly as much as you deserve, but I hope it’s something!

WARNINGS: gun violence, hospitals, surgeries, mentions of vomit, mentions of shock

–

Tony had been in a lot of firefights in his time, but he never got used to them.

He didn’t really know if that was a good thing or a bad thing. If it showed that he’d retained some of his humanity, or if it proved that he had always been ill-suited to the superhero job.

Then again, when the popping of gunfire went off and the world exploded into shattered glass and screaming, none of that philosophical pondering really mattered anymore.

Someone shoved him to the ground within a second of the first shot. The breath whooshed out of his lungs, sidewalk digging into his palms. There was shouting in his ears, the scrabble of shoes right next to his face, and then he was being hauled up. Shielded. Pushed up, down, forward. His knees his concrete, grass, asphalt. He scrabbled to call the suit, but then he remembered that he didn’t have it. He didn’t have it.

Screw Ross and his laws. Screw the Accords. Just… Just screw it all.

More gunfire. To his left, someone screamed.

A car door swung open right in front of his face, and someone shoved him inside.

Tires squealed. The car jerked as it hit a curb.

He gasped in air. Someone was talking to his right. The same someone that had pushed him down, had been shouting.

In the adrenaline drop of after, he realized that it was Rhodey. Because of course it was Rhodey. Of course.

The Colonel (which was a title that would never sit right in Tony’s gut, because the man would always just be his best friend, would always be the nerdy 18 year old who scooped him up at MIT and never let him go) was sitting beside him in the backseat, hand resting heavy on his shoulder. He looked easy and calm, especially for a man who had just been shot at. That’s probably what the military did for you, he supposed. Maybe he should’ve enlisted after all, just like Howard had wanted.

Then again, Tony had always been terrible at taking orders.

“Easy, Tony. You’re alright.”

He shook his head, tried to get a grip back on reality. His ears were still ringing, he could still hear the popping of bullets in his skull. “What-What the he-”

“Tony,” Rhodey said, firm and commanding, “breathe.”

“I am breathing,” he snapped.

He felt like he’d lost something. Like he needed to-

He snapped back into himself like whiplash. It hurt, to hit reality at full speed, but the pain was drowned out by the terror.

Peter.

He scrabbled for Rhodey’s sleeve, fingernails tearing into his suit jacket. “Peter, Peter, Rhodey-”

He didn’t have to say anything else. Rhodey lunged forward, grabbed a walkie-talkie out of the front of the car, reaching past a driver that Tony didn’t even know the name of to do it, and started talking into it so fast that Tony’s shock-addled brain could barely keep up.

“This is Colonel Rhodes. I have Tony in the car. Is Peter secure? Does anyone have Peter Parker?”

Crackle of static. Then,

“Affirmative. I have Parker.”

Tony could’ve fainted with relief. His head swum, vision blurring at little at the edges. His chest ached, too. Probably from hitting the pavement so hard. Or, heck, maybe it was just from worry. Peter was bound to be the death of him someday.

He jerked the walkie-talkie out of Rhodey’s hands. “Get him on the line. I want to talk to him.”

“Sorry, Sir,” the voice said, and Tony didn’t recognize it, which made his heart skip, because the last time he’d seen Peter, the kid had been with Happy, going ahead to the car while Tony stopped to shake hands with the crowds gathered outside the gala. “He can’t talk right now.”

The color leeched out of the world. If Peter had been hit… if… if Peter had been hit…

Rhodey leaned forward, not pulling the walkie-talkie out of Tony’s iron-tight grasp, but slipping his hand over Tony’s so he could use it. “Is he hit?”

“No, Sir, he’s not hit.”

The reassurance only settled some of Tony’s fear. “Then why can’t he talk?”

“He’s… He’s vomiting in the car, Sir.”

“What the he-”

Rhodey gripped his shoulder again, shaking him a little to catch his attention. “Easy, Tony, this happens sometimes.”

What an absurd thing to say. How could anyone be so calm about his child vomiting in a car. There was nothing normal about his child vomiting in a car.

Had he mentioned that his child was vomiting in a car?

He grit his teeth until his jaw ached. “What do you mean this happens sometimes?”

“I mean that it happens,” Rhodey snapped. “He might’ve gotten an elbow in the stomach, but it’s probably just shock.”

Just shock. Shock. They’d just been shot at, almost certainly because of Tony, and now his kid was in shock.

He regretted everything. He didn’t even know what everything encompassed, but he knew that he regretted it all the same.

“Is Happy with him?”

There was more static. The empty crackling was driving Tony mad.

“Hogan put him in the car.”

His stomach flipped. “But he’s not with him?”

“No, Sir. But he’s got two security guards with him, Sir, as well as me.”

Rhodey’s brow furrowed. “Why isn’t Happy in the car?”

“Hogan put the kid in the car then stayed behind for the ID agent. He thinks he saw something, something that might be-”

They hit a pothole. Pain, sharp and hot, lanced up his side. He gasped, reaching up to grab the spot with a wince. He kept his eyes trained desperately on the walkie-talkie, as if he could stare through the plastic and see Peter on the other side.

He heard Rhodey take a sharp breath, and then his chin was being gripped, gaze jerked away from the only line he had to Peter, to his kid-

“Tony?” Rhodey’s eyes searched his face. There was something wet on his lips. “Tony, did you get hit?”

He blinked at him. What? Did he get hit? Peter was vomiting in the backseat of a car, doors and steel and roads away from him, and Rhodey was asking stupid questions like did you get hit?

Hands dragged up his side, came away wet, and suddenly, Rhodey didn’t look very calm anymore.

“Turn around!” He shouted to the driver. “We’ve got a GSW.” Rhodey was grabbing his face again, forcing their eyes together. “Tony, breathe. Don’t pass out.”

He glared. “I’m not gonna pass out.”

The car jerked in a 180, tires squealing against the damp pavement. Rhodey steadied him as they tilted.

“Where’s Peter going?” He gasped, vision still swimming from the sudden change of inertia. “Where are they taking Peter?”

“To the Tower.”

“Where are you taking me?”

“To the hospital.”

“No, no. Take Peter… he needs to get looked at, too. And I wanna see him.”

I have to see him.

For a second, it looked like Rhodey was going to argue. Then, he just nodded, acquiescent, and used the hand not pressed against Tony’s abdomen to grab the walkie-talkie again.

“Bring Peter to the hospital. We’re taking Tony there now.”

Static. Then, the same voice as before.

“Affirmative. The kid wants to know why.”

Tony jerked a hand up, wrapped bloody fingers around Rhodey’s wrist. “Rhodey, don’t tell him.”

“He’ll find out when he gets to the hospital anyway, Tony,” he hissed, then spoke his next words into the walkie-talkie. “It’s a minor gunshot wound. Tell the kid that he’s conscious, talking, and still being a pain in my ass.”

He grinned.

Yeah, that’d make the kid feel better.

–

There was a stretcher and a medical team waiting for him as soon as they arrived.

Apparently, being a high-profile superhero billionaire won you some pretty good emergency medical care. Who knew.

It did not, however, win you any breaks in the pain department. Moving him onto the gurney still absolutely sucked. He’d been shot before, which probably wasn’t something a lot of people in the world could say, but he always seemed to forget just how much it hurt.

Rhodey was talking rapidly to one of the nurses as they wheeled him into the hospital and down a hallway.

“He’s got a GSW in his abdomen. Entry and exit wounds.”

The nurse nodded. “BP is 134 over 78. Pulse is 108. What’s his pulse ox?”

“98,” someone else shouted, just out of Tony’s view.

A man in a white coat was jogging beside the gurney. He was the first person to actually address him, smiling thinly. “Mister Stark, I’m Doctor Keller. I’m the trauma surgeon on duty. Considering the circumstances, everything is looking pretty steady. The exit wound is a good sign when it comes to any possible internal damage and we’re really liking your vitals.”

He felt like snarling. None of this was what he wanted. He didn’t care about the hole in his stomach. He cared that somewhere, his kid was vomiting all alone in the back of a car.

“I swear to all that is holy,” he spat, “if I don’t speak to my kid in the next five minutes, I’m gonna attack someone.”

“He’s on his way, Tony,” Rhodey reassured.

“He’d better be.”

They rolled him into a trauma room, stopping in the middle and not wasting another second before swarming him. He heard the click of the stretcher’s breaks, the chatter of voices saying bits and pieces of things he understood and things he didn’t. Pairs and pairs and pairs of unfamiliar hands were touching him, poking and prodding and attaching monitors. There was a sting in the crook of his elbow as one of the nurses started an IV.

“Okay, Sir,” Doctor Keller said, patting his shoulder, “we’re just gonna get you stabilized. Do you have any medical conditions?”

“Well,” he drawled, “I’ve been shot. Does that count?”

Rhodey snorted.

He reached out and grabbed a nurse’s wrist as she reached for his IV, then re-found Doctor Keller’s face. “I want you to wait until I’ve seen my kid before you give me the anesthesia. Do you understand?”

Thankfully, the surgeon seemed to understand who was in charge in this situation, and it certainly wasn’t him or his staff.

“Of course.”

He let of the rest of the minutes blur by, nodding along with whatever Doctor Keller and his nurses said and trusting Rhodey to actually be paying attention.

Then the doors swung open, and a receptionist pushed Peter through.

Despite the pain still burning up his side, he could breathe again.

The kid was pale, shaking. His wide eyes blew even wider when he took in the scene in front of him: nurses and blood and all.

“Tony?”

“I’m okay,” he called gently, pain getting shoved in the backseat, everything getting shoved in the backseat in favor of this kid, his kid.

“Tony?!” Peter repeated, more frantic this time despite Tony’s attempt to comfort him, and he rushed forward, slipping past the nurses and Rhodey and bumping into the gurney’s guard rail in his haste to get close.

“They didn’t hit anything,” he soothed, reaching up to brush some of Peter’s hair out of his face. “They’re just gonna look around and make sure.”

Peter’s eyes darted down to the bloodstain on his shirt and up to his face. “Are you… Are you in a lot of pain?”

“No. No, of course not.”

“Are you lying?”

“Of course he is,” Rhodey snarked, stepping up to grip Peter’s arm. “He wants you to tell all your friends how brave he was.”

“Duh. Plus, I want all these guys,” he gestured to the nurses, “to feed the reporters a story of how I was up-beat and joking around.”

“You are brave,” Peter said, looking close to tears.

“Peter, I’m fine,” he murmured, heart aching at how distressed the kid seemed. “I’m just so happy to see you, buddy.”

A nurse tentatively tapped his arm. “Sir? We really need to begin.”

“Right, right.” He glanced up at Rhodey. “Make him,” he jerked his chin towards Peter, “get checked out. Don’t let him talk you out of it.”

Peter was shaking his head, frantic. “No, no. I wanna stay.”

He smiled to cover up just how much the plea pierced him. “Won’t be able to fall asleep if you’re here, bud. You’re just too exciting to have around. Go on with Rhodey. I’ll see you when I wake up.”

“But-”

“Nuh-uh. No ifs, ands, or buts. I’m the adult here. Plus,” he reached out and poked Peter’s side, “I have a hole in my stomach, so I think I get the veto card right about now.”

“That’s not funny,” the kid whispered, weakly letting Rhodey pull him back, away from Tony, towards the doors.

“I thought it was pretty funny.”

“It wasn’t.”

“Well, I’ll work on my jokes.” He waved as Peter paused in the doorway. “See you later, squirt. Be good for Rhodey.”

“Don’t die,” Peter called back, voice hitching dangerously.

He nearly laughed at the absurdity of the request. “It’ll take a lot more than this to kill me, kid. Trust me on that.”

The doors slid shut, obscuring the kid’s face from view. And with Peter gone, with Peter safe, there was nothing left to cling to.

He gave the nearest nurse and thumbs up and let the drugs wash him down.

–

When he surfaced again, Pepper was there.

She smiled when she sensed his eyes on her, reaching forward to intertwine their fingers. “Hey, honey.”

He swallowed past the stinging in his throat. “Peter?”

“May’s got him in the waiting room,” she murmured, as if she’d been expecting the question. “They wouldn’t let him in until you were awake.”

He nodded, trying to kick his brain into gear despite the pain meds slogging through his system. “Is everyone okay?”

“There weren’t any fatalities. A few injuries, but nothing serious. Happy hit his head, but it’s only a minor concussion. They treated Peter for shock while you were in surgery, but he’s just fine now.”

The information absorbed slowly, but Pepper waited patiently. Always waiting, always patient.

“Did they catch them?”

“The gunmen?” It wasn’t an actual question, not really, but he nodded anyway as Pepper continued. “Yes. One’s dead, but the other’s been taken in for questioning.”

“Did they say why they did it?”

Something dark fell over Pepper’s face. “Yes.”

“And?”

She brushed a hand through his hair, biting worriedly at her lip. “You have to promise to stay calm.”

Foreboding was brewing in his stomach. Pepper never danced around an issue like this. She was always straightforward, bit between her teeth.

“Please just tell me,” he whispered.

“You weren’t the target.”

He blinked, trying to process what the hell that meant.

“Then who was?”

“It was… It was Peter, sweetheart. They were trying to get Peter.”

Everything froze. There wasn’t enough oxygen in the room, wasn’t enough gravity to stop them all from peeling away from the ground. That… That couldn’t be. Peter wasn’t a target, wasn’t something that was meant to be viewed through a pair of crosshairs. Peter was a child.

“Why would they-”

Pepper was already talking, voice low. “Tony, these people are crazy-”

“But they tried to… they tried to k-”

“Yes, Tony, but we caught them, so they aren’t going to be able to try it again-”

“That’s not enough,” he hissed, bringing a hand up to cradle his tender side. “That’s… That’s not enough.”

“Oh, honey…”

“I want to see him.” He gripped the thin hospital sheets in his fist. “Please, Pep. I need to see him.”

“Alright,” she said softly, pushing to her feet, “I’ll go get him, but then you need to rest.”

“Wait. Pepper,” he called, stalling her in the doorway. “Does he know?”

Does he know who those bullets were meant for? Does he know that he wasn’t meant to make it into that car alive?

“No,” she said, voice grave.

“Let’s… Let’s keep it that way, yeah?”

She jerked her head in response. “I’m on it.”

–

It looked like Peter’s whole body went dizzy with relief when Pepper pushed him into the room. It seemed to be contagious, too, because the sight of the kid’s eyes, wide and hopeful, made his chest go fuzzy.

“See?” He grinned, gesturing at himself with his IV free arm. “Even old men can got shot and survive nowadays. Modern medicine is just that good.”

“You’re okay,” Peter breathed, and he sounded so airy and out-of-body that Tony was genuinely worried that he might just faint.

He kept up his smile, beckoning gently, trying to get the kid close enough that he could catch him if he did. “Sure am.”

“You’re okay.”

There was something manic filling up Peter’s gaze. Something that made Tony even more desperate to comfort, to protect. “Uh-huh,” he said, and the softness in his voice surprised even himself. “Everything’s alright now, buddy.”

The kid pressed himself up against the hospital bed’s barrier. “That was, uh, that was… scary.”

Peter sounded so small, and Tony was suddenly assaulted by the image of what the kid must’ve looked like while he was in surgery: frightened, alone, in shock.

He hadn’t forgotten how the kid’s uncle had died. And from the expression on Peter’s face, neither had he.

“Are you okay?” He asked, and he didn’t know entirely what he was looking for in an answer. Of course Peter wasn’t okay. At least, he wasn’t okay like that. Maybe he was asking for a different kind of okay. A superficial kind.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay.”

He smirked a little, reaching out to lightly poke Peter’s stomach. “No more puking?”

A blush flushed through the kid’s face, and the embarrassment was a nice change from the fear. “Shut up. At least I didn’t get myself shot.”

The words hit a little hard, considering the conversation he and Pepper had just had, but he forced himself to hide it. “To be fair, that wasn’t actually in my plan.”

“But it still happened,” Peter whispered.

“Wow,” he said, cracking a smile, trying desperately to coax the dejected look off of the kid’s face, “it’s almost like you’re starting to understand how I feel every time you go out on patrol and come home with a stab wound in your gut.”

“But that happens when I’m Spider-Man,” Peter said, voice tight and stricken.

And Tony understood. He understood the hidden meaning in the words.

“It’s not supposed to happen when we’re outside of the suits,” he murmured, finishing the kid’s unspoken thought with a gentle voice.

“Yeah.” The kid gave a jerky nod, as if solidifying something in his head. “Yeah, it’s not.”

He didn’t know what to say to that. There was… There was nothing to say. Peter was right. Why should any kid ever have to reconcile himself with the fact that people were going to shoot at them?

“I’m sorry I scared you,” he whispered, because that was all he had. It was the only truth left that wouldn’t hurt.

The corner of Peter’s mouth quirked up, and it was the first sign of a positive emotion that the kid had given him since entering the room. “Yeah, well, it was obviously your fault.”

He smiled. “Obviously.”

They’d figure it out, he supposed. His wound would heal, he’d quietly exert whatever authority he could to destroy whatever organization had targeted Peter in the first place, and the terror still lingering in the kid’s eyes would fade and flicker and die. They’d gone through worse things and survived. Peter certainly had, as much as that fact pained him.

They’d figure it out, because they didn’t have any other choice. Because they had to.

And, of course, because they always did.

#i've had this sitting for a few weeks but then i saw that Senia was having a rough time so i came back to it #it's a welcome back to Tumblr present!!#i'm sorry people suck and i hope that they stop ASAP #i love u & stan #ur stories make me v v v happy #& honestly ur so sweet that i can't imagine how anyone could dislike u #anyway i'm done waxing lyrical #also i tried to yeet out all the cursing for u #so i hope i didn't accidentally miss something!!!#& ALSO HAPPY BIRTHDAY #I’m gonna try to write u some fluff later too #💕❤️❤️#irondad #tony stark #peter parker #tony & peter #losingmymindtonight writes

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dameronology · 3 years

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the box {poe dameron}

summary: breaking up is one thing. moving on is another.

warnings: angst, language

this is based off a scene from s4e8 of friends! u might know the one i mean once you've read it but if not, it's just one i've been wanting to write about for ages bc it's so angsty and sweet. i hope you enjoy!

- jazz

tags: @darklingveracruz @disastersim

It was funny to look at someone you once loved, knowing that you couldn't anymore. It was like looking a stranger in the eye but recognising every part of their soul.

Every time you looked at Poe - caught his eyes across the room or shot him in a glance in the hallway - it felt like you were home. You could practically count the golden flecks in his warm eyes, and the laughter lines beside them, you knew better than the lines on your own palms. You still remembered the way his hands gripped onto yours whenever he walked past beside you, or the way he'd hold onto you for comfort after he woke from a nightmare. More importantly, you remembered how it felt to be loved by him; protected and safe, in the arms of a man who would have crossed the galaxy for you.

Then Poe's eyes would flicker away from yours, or he'd keep walking past you without so much as a glance, and you would remember.

You'd broken up. And it fucking sucked.

It wasn't because you stopped loving each other. You wished it that was simple, but was anything ever straightforward these days? In this climate? Not really. Actions that used to be simple had a thousand layers. People you used to trust - friends and family - could double cross you, or triple cross or...you get the point. The galaxy was intricate and tangled. Difficult to differentiate and understand.

With that said, your relationship with Poe was the one thing that didn't feel so convoluted - you loved him and he loved you. That should have been enough. It wasn't.

The galaxy was exhausting you both and the war was killing you inside. You barely had time for yourselves, let alone for each other. It easier to let your relationship fall to pieces than it was to try. You were both too tired.

It was funny, though, because even four months after you broke up, nothing had changed in that sense, You were still tired all the time - of the war, of having hope, of fighting. The only different now was that you had to face it all alone. There was no Poe.

"Did you get enough sleep last night?" Rey's voice pulled you back to reality. You were sat in the mess hall, pushing the contents of your breakfast around the plate.

You snorted. "Do I ever?"

She didn't respond, instead just rolling her eyes.

"I'm fine, really," you insisted. "When this whole thing is over, I'll get some sleep - either because we've won, or because I'm dead."

"That's not very positive."

You both jumped at the sound of Poe's voice. The pilot had casually appeared by the table - he stood for a moment and then took a seat beside you. The action was casual. Nobody around you would have suspected a thing. Yet still, your heart felt like it was going to hurtle out your chest just at the mere sight of him.

"Hey, Poe," you tried to calmly greet him. "Long time, no talk."

"I know," he replied. "I just needed to ask a favour real quick."

"Yeah?"

"You know that X-Wing stabiliser I gave you last year?" he continued. "I don't know if you ever used but if you didn't, I could really use it. My jet's out and I need it back in action ASAP."

"Damn," you murmured. "I don't, I'm sorry."

"It's no problem," Poe gave you a charming smile. "I figured you might have needed it for yours."

"Oh no, it's not that," you said. "I...I lost it, actually."

"You lost it?" his eyebrows shot up.

"I'm sorry," you repeated. "I just-"

"- it's fine, honestly," he cut you off - he didn't look bothered, but maybe a little annoyed. "Not surprising, though."

You frowned. "It's not?"

"I mean...you do lose everything," he reminded you. "Right, Rey?"

"I'm just eating," she said. "Just sitting here and eating. Not getting involved."

"I don't!" you insisted.

"Okay," Poe smirked and leant back in his chair. "What about the book I gave you? And the blaster? And the jacket?"

"Those are just a few things!" you shot back. "I can look after things, Dameron."

"I don't believe you," his playful smile hadn't faltered - but why was he getting to you so much?

It might have been different if you were still together. This could have been...flirtatious teasing, or something. Instead, it was just Poe being Poe and it was getting on your tits.

"You don't have to believe me," you suavely shrugged. "It's not like you're my boyfriend anymore."

His face dropped at that. "You're right. I guess you misplaced me too."

With that, you abruptly stood up - but not before flipping him off and throwing a half-eaten piece of toast at his forehead. Okay, so maybe it wasn't your brightest move but the bread was the nearest thing and...you were mad, okay? People didn't think things through when they were mad.

Your relationship was testament to that.

A few hours passed, and aside from a toast-induced red mark on his forehead, Poe had pretty much forgotten about your friendly chinwag. What was the point in holding onto it? It was merely just a testament - or a reminder, even - to the fact that you could barely have one conversation without fighting. That's how things had been when you'd broken up. Nothing had changed.

By the time evening came, Poe had retired to his quarters as usual. He spent a lot less time in them since you'd split up; they felt more lonely now. Waking up to a cold bed and making just one cup of caff in the morning didn't feel quite right. Not to mention the blank space on the wall where photos of you had once hung - he still had them, stuffed away in a drawer. Just refused to look at them. It was easier that way.

Not easier but...less painful, maybe. He'd managed to shut down those feelings for you and confine them to a little corner of his brain. It was the same place he'd forced his grief for Shara. He'd probably have to deal it one day, but that was a problem for future Poe.

A few minutes after he'd kicked off his boots and fallen back onto his bed, his door burst open.

Only two people had keys to his door. Finn and you. He'd never asked for it back, just because he'd figured you'd never want to step foot in there again.

Poe had been wrong, clearly, because you were here now. Your eyes were a little watery and you looked a little frantic. There was also a tattered old box in your hands. He didn't recognise it, but as soon as he opened his mouth to ask, you started talking.

"Don't tell me I don't look after things," you said. Shoving Poe aside, you elbowed your way to his bed and emptied the contents of the box out. It was a smorgasbord of papers and knick-knacks and items that seemed vaguely familiar.

"I was only joking earlier!" Poe defended. "And can you knock next time-"

"- this is from the fortune cookie on our first date," you cut him off, shoving a crumpled piece of paper into his hand. "And this is the eggshell from the first time you made me breakfast."

"I-"

"- I'm not finished!" you cut him off. "This is the letter you wrote me on your six month anniversary, and the ten you wrote me every month after, and the dumb seashell necklace we brought on our first vacation, a-and the...the stupid cartoon you drew of Hux that time I was sad and you wanted to make me smile."

Poe's brow furrowed. "You kept all this?"

"Of course I did!" you snapped. "I might misplace things that can be replaced but I look after the things that matter, okay?"

"Okay, yeah," he held his hands out to calm you down, gently nodding. "To be honest, I thought you woulda thrown all this away."

"No, Poe," you murmured. "I couldn't. Even if we broke up, I still..."

I still love you.

"...appreciate our time together," you finished. "I know it's sappy. I do. I just didn't have the heart to throw it away."

"I haven't thrown away anything either," he admitted. "Guess we're still getting over each other, huh?"

"Yeah, I guess," you gently smiled.

Poe returned the gesture, eyes meeting yours. A silence fell over you for a moment - you just stared, neither of you knowing what to say. It's not that you didn't have anything to say, because you'd planned a whole speech in your head on the way over. It had been a whole fucking soliloquy about...something. You'd forgotten now. It felt like it didn't matter.

And as you stared into his eyes - at the flecks and the laughter lines - you hoped that one day, you could get to know them all over again.

#poe dameron x reader #poe dameron x you #poe dameron imagine #poe dameron imagines #poe dameron read insert #poe dameron angst #poe dameron fan fiction #star wars x reader #star wars imagines #star wars angst #star wars fan fiction #star wars x you #star wars reader insert #star wars imagine

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writing-fool · 4 years

Note

Hey, real stressed out right now, if you're not too busy can I get the Mlqc boys with a stressed out s/o? I'm in some need of some serotonin, love your work x

mlqc | so will i

Hi hun, I’m very sorry to hear that. I hope you’ll feel better soon. If this doesn’t end up giving you enough serotonin, I have something a little similar up on my blog: here

That said, I think I’m becoming a comfort writer, and I can’t really complain about that. So, here’s a couple of quick and loving headcanons for each boy.

Much love,

Victor

Victor isn’t actually all that cold as a husband anyways (and we ALL know author Ré likes their moody boys just a little gooey)

but when you’re stressed? oh boy this gentleman is ready to do anything in his power to make you feel better

he was deadass about to buy a whole spa before you stopped him and told him you just need him to hold you

“Oh. I...guess I can do that.” be careful, this man will not let you go until you feel better

as an excellent chef, he’s also The Person to ask when you need comfort food

mac & cheese? you got it. congee? already done. chicken noodle soup? yes yes.

the way to a person’s heart is through their stomach and mine is currently growling

on occasion, he’ll be the cause of your stress, and while he doesn’t want to favour you over his other employees necessarily, he does understand that sometimes you need a break

for once, he’ll be the one pulling you from your work

how does he notice you’re stressed? your reports become dangerously subpar. sorry hun, it’s the truth

if you don’t listen to him and keep working yourself to near death, he’ll just have to use drastic measures

did he swing you over his shoulder? yup.

did you low-key enjoy it because his ass is Immaculate? also yup.

he knows you like it when he pampers you, so when you’re stressed out, he’ll run you a nice bath with expensive oils and soaps

he’ll wash your back for you, digging his large fingers into those knots at the nape of your neck

afterwards, Vic will brush your hair for you, making sure you’re all cozy in your fluffy robe

he doesn’t like to admit it, but seeing you relax warms his heart and makes up for all the mediocre reports you write

Lucien

our favourite perceptive professor notices right away

i mean, everyone has tells when they start getting stressed out, and Lucien knows yours like the back of his hand

sometimes, he even notices before you do. how does that even happen?

prepare for the endless amounts of chamomile tea he’ll make you drink

Lucien’s very supportive of what you do, but he also reminds you that you need to rest like a filthy hypocrite~

so he’ll jot down cheeky notes in your agenda

14:00 / come have a relaxing walk in the park with me. ~L

7:30 early morning online meeting 8:00 have a lie-in with your favourite scientist. for research purposes, of course

you confront him about it and he’s just staring at you with this innocent look that’s absolutely illegal because you’re not innocent Lucien, not in the slightest i won’t believe it i’m not going to fall for it—damnit i fell for it

“Am I not allowed to take care of my little flower?”

is really good at clearing your schedule

like, suspiciously good

he’ll probably help you with anything you’ve got going on regarding paperwork, and instead of having to do research for a production, a whole stack of highlighted and marked articles will already be on your desk, waiting for you to quickly sift through everything

on a more serious note, he does know a lot about destressing and ways to relax

so he’ll suggest practicing mindfulness together, or something similar

from experience, these things may sound silly, but breathing exercises or meditation can really just refocus your brain on the tasks at hand to lessen stress. obviously though, this is all very personal

but he knows he can’t love your negative emotions away, so most importantly, he’s always there for you

whether it is to listen to you rant, to give advice or even just to soothingly rub his thumb over your shoulder

Lucien’s always right next to you, and that’s one less thing to worry about

Gavin

Birdcop! lately i’ve been associating him with bnha’s Hawks/Keigo, and i don’t know how to feel about that. but i digress

Gavin’s not the quickest to pick up on your emotions

like, he knows there’s something going on because his mind is filled with you all day, but he can’t really decipher what’s wrong

will just straight up ask you what’s going on, how you’re feeling, etc

i always turn Gavin into this really understanding and communicative, healthy relationship poster boy, but y’all deserve it

“Babe? Are you feeling alright?”

if the answer is no, this man just clears his schedule for a week, or a month, or a whole year Gavin you can’t ignore your responsibilities don’t—

not really, but he does go out of his way to spend more time with you

clocks out earlier, only does missions that require him,...

flies to you the moment he’s got time to spare

does so recklessly. gets caught by some people who, fortunately, are convinced it’s just some very weird humanoid bird. gets reprimanded by STF. does not care.

at home he doesn’t really do more than give you space when you need it, offer a listening ear when you need that. he’s really not doing anything grand, because that’s not really Gavin, but he lets you know that he cares, and that’s good enough.

Gavin will force Minor to look out for you at work, and will stage a freakin’ intervention if you’re getting overworked

“MC, you’re getting kidnapped.” wraps you into a blanket like a burrito and flies home with you in his arms

actually flying seems like a relaxing thing to do, especially at night

when the stars are twinkling, the moon is glowing, and you’re high above the city, all your problems seem just a little smaller

Kiro

the chances of him not knowing you’re feeling bad aren’t very small

he’s obviously very busy, and if he’s overseas...

being concerned that you’re going to be lonely without him like he is without you does make him call you as often as he possibly can

he’s a clingy pupper, what can i say

he picks up the stressed out tone in your voice though, even when you try to hide it

“Oh, Miss/Mr. Chips, you can’t fool me, The Best Actor Of All Time. Now, tell me...are you alright?” imagine him saying that last bit in like a hushed, slightly worried tone. i wouldn’t even be able to lie

he’ll let you complain as long as you want on the phone, even when Savin’s been calling him

he’ll just hide in the closet so he doesn’t get found

when he goes back home, the first thing he does is trap you in a big hug

he refuses to let you go, pouting about how worried he was, and how much better he’ll make you feel

“Because I’m your brightest star after all!”

if he’s free while you’re feeling stressed, for example, when you’re at home together, he’ll do something silly to cheer you up

like dance on the coffee table

yup. that’s why it broke.

i don’t think he’d be too focused on your problems, as in, he doesn’t need to know 100% of what’s going on

Kiro just kind of zooms in on the fact that you’re feeling sad, overwhelmed, stressed out, and he’ll do anything in his power to relieve that feeling

and that’s one of his qualities, to be fair

you’re not going to do stuff like have long chats about your feelings, but he is going to propose doing face masks together to calm down

maybe you’ll play a couple of video games together

at the end of the day, how could you worry when your sun is right next to you?

Shaw

look, i don’t know if you’re of legal drinking age...but Shaw’s coping mechanism is drinking and going out

so the moment you say you feel bad, he’s whipping out the wine, hun

lowkey wants to drag you to the club to make you forget about your problems...but even he realises how inappropriate that type of behaviour is

he’s actually a lot cuter when he’s a little tipsy

“Hm, beautiful.” “What?” “Nothing.”

Shaw’s also a huge diva, which is canon now you guys can’t stop me from making it canon

so you guys will have matching head bands on, face masks, glasses of wine, bottles of nail polish, talking about how horrible life is

you’re venting to him, and he vents back, and you just both come to the conclusion that life sUCKS, work sUCKS and Shaw...doesn’t suck at all

the next morning, you wake up slightly disheveled and a bit disoriented

but you feel significantly lighter

well, not physically, since there’s literally an arm slung around your waist

he doesn’t really change much about his behaviour...but you notice he’s a tad more affectionate

and a lot less mean

like, forehead poking suddenly turned into teasing hair ruffling.

tickling turns into soft kisses in the crook of your neck while you’re cooking

his rough hands intertwine with yours

“Don’t just overwork yourself, stupid.”

ahh, his words don’t match his actions at all

I had very little inspiration for Shaw...but I wanted to get this out ASAP. Feel free to send in any requests!

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etherealluminescence · 4 years

Note

Hellllloooo!!! Your work is really goood! May I request a little headcanon? I'm an My Hero Academia fan and this concept kind of humored me, I don't know if I should consider this an AU but how would the brothers react to an MC who is a hero in training student with a flashy quirk! You can choose what quirk she gets and feel free to choose any gender, Thank You!

Hey anon! I’m fine with AUs so don’t worry. I’m a major BNHA fan myself, having been a fan for around three years. This kind of excited me because I got to write about the two fandoms I really like together. I’m just gonna do GN! Sorry if the explaination to the quirk is a bit long;;

Retagging because it removed the tags for me**

| MHA!AU | Brothers react to a flashy quirk GN!MC

The quirk is one I’m using for my OC which is a pretty flashy one I would say!! I hope you don’t mind I reference my own OC’s quirk. But it’s :

Gale attraction

A subdivision of air manipulation. The user can suck air towards them, break it apart, send it forwards, all in small or large consistencies, but they have to have something as the center of gravitation, that makes the air get suck towards it, or apart from it. My OC uses a long sword that can curl and compact, and straighten out to become long, so that’s why I consider this quirk flashy, since he slams a large sword at people’s directions and suddenly sends them flying. The MC in here does the same. Ex of how it works : The user uses slams their sword forward facing the opponent, and sucks in the air around them by using the sword as the center of gravitation, and lets it out in one go forward, causing a large blast. It all happens in the span of a few seconds, so it’s hard to see.

Lucifer

Lucifer knew that you had a pretty powerful quirk since you attended UA, you were a third year in class A, according to his documents when he was picking a student. However he couldn’t tell what exactly was your quirk because Diavolo just said to pick your paper and Lucifer couldn’t be bothered anymore.

When you arrived in the devildom you were immediately confused. You thought it was a villain’s quirk, since you were just in a battle, and you began to use your quirk.

Why did the villain’s partner suddenly your their quirk? Did they want to run now? Where are the other heroes who were with you, or did they have other illusions?

You didn’t know who these people were in front of you, but you assumed it was an illusion so you kind of attacked Lucifer with your quirk.

The strong wind expelled out your blade at the speed of light as you swung in his direction. Lucifer managed to transform into his form and stop your quirk from doing damage to him with his wings, but it was just a barely able to.

He didn’t have much time to think, but he thought that you were going to be difficult, and your quirk was actually strong enough to cause him to be pushed back a few centimetres. Wow.

He tried not to be impressed with you, because you cannot act like that in devildom. You were lectured like crazy and Diavolo laughed it all off.

After a few hours Lucifer gave you a simple compliment of “You have a strong quirk, don’t disappoint.” And you were actually feeling pretty proud from that.

Lucifer actually acknowledged you, and told you that he did. He told you that you were strong, even thought he looked like he was going to murder you all day and throughout the meeting.

Mammon

Even though Mammon was your guide, he had no clue you were a quirk user. When he finally hears you say you wish to train your quirk he’s just like?? You have one?

After assuring him you do, he asks to see it. You say your quirk isn’t a toy you can fool around with, and can cause some serious damage.

He thinks about it during the night and finds a way to make money off of it. You want to train... and he can place bets.. he can register you in a tournament where demons fight each other using their power or weapons if that’s their style... and well you could well lose and he takes the money from betting on the demons!!

Mammon explained to you his idea, but left out which side he was betting on. He had zero faith in you since he didn’t know you attended UA, and didn’t know how strong your quirk actually was.

You happily agreed since you figured you could go all out against a demon, since they are tough.

When the first round came, the majority of people bet in the demon’s favor, rather than your’s. You couldn’t care less since you really wanted a good workout.

As soon as the “one” came out of the referee’s mouth, you pulled out your sword and twirled it straight in a matter of seconds, and immediately sent a blast towards the demon’s direction.

The demon formed an “X” shape with his hands and dug his heels into the ground thinking you couldn’t blast him too far if you were just hitting the ground. Maybe your quirk was making the ground shake or something weak.

But what he didn’t see was the giant gust approaching him till it was too late. His eyes were glued shut from the strong blast affect and he was sent flying. He was far out of the rings, and looked like he was bleeding.

Whoops-you-did-not-think-a-demon-would-injure-so-easily

You tried to play it off cool but it was obvious you were frantically worrying about the demon.

At that moment, Mammon was convince to always bet on you. He immediately yelled allowed “That’s my human!” despite not even betting on you at first.

He is overly proud especially when you win since no one can tell what exactly your quirk was, you working way too fast.

He’s always clinging to you now and if someone harasses him he will be like “My human can kick your ass!! Fight me (them) if you want to taste dirt.”

Leviathan

Oh my goodness oh my goodness oh my goodness is this happening.

Levi is internally freaking out when he firsts meets you because you’re a hero in training!! Heroes are literally so cool and you’re a person not only with a quirk but attending THE U.A. high.

He wants to immediately know your quirk and how it works so he can replicate any scenes and do cosplay stuff, or say he knew a pro hero before they were famous and people made merch of them.

As soon as you two were alone, curtesy of Mammon not wanting to pay his debt back, Levi told you to come with him.

He took you to his room and nervously asked you to show him your quirk, he was super excited and was nervous at the same time and tried not to show either of the emotions.

You happily agreed because you love showing your quirk to friends, family, and fans.

You proceeded to take off your large jacket, and he saw a sword on your belt’s side. He immediately thought it would be powerful because you had a weapon.

You tell him to enjoy and watch the show. You twist your blade and it goes from curly to a long straight and thin blade. He’s sort of in awe at what a cool concept it was for a weapon to hide and yet easily open.

The fun had only begun, you concentrated, closing your eyes, with the quiet surrounding you, you proceed to swing your blade forward, aimed towards one of his less filled up walls, and blast an air strike.

You open it up to see you damaged and broke the wall, and the furniture in the next room over from the amount of air you gathered and blasted. But Levi didn’t care about his broken room, he was gushing at how cool you were.

You run a hand through your hair and give him a smile, telling him that it’s your job. “A hero should always go all out for their fans.”

Levi now wants merchandise of you asap and will be your first fan in the club and will become the president of it because of how epic that was, and if that was just you showing him your quirk just how awesome would you be in an actual fight?

Needless to say Levi clung to you for your entire trip in devildom.

Satan

Satan had read about how humanity has slowly gained quirks, or strong powers. They were all unique, with some common ones, and they had all sorts of uses. Sometimes the human could even look non human or become a different state of matter.

He was a little bit interested in seeing your quirk, he wasn’t going to lie. During the council meeting they were told that you are a UA student, but never mentioned your quirk, so he could only think of what it could be in his head.

When you finally came, he tried to be discreet about watching you from afar to see if you would use your quirk.

You didn’t want to just randomly cause havoc, so you didn’t use your quirk at all for the first few days. If people asked you what it was you’d just reply with “Something flashy, I guess?”

What was that supposed to mean? Even detective Satan couldn’t figure it out considering the vast quantities of quirks there are in the world.

Finally, he approached you after school his curiosity getting the better of him. He asked you to show him your quirk, and he was pretty polite. He told you he was interested in how human bodies work these days after reading so much about quirks.

You obliged, but tell him you’ll have to go to your room to do it since you left your sword there, not wanting to destroy school property.

This led Satan to believe your quirk is sword based, and you can use the weapon to slice through anything. He felt pretty proud with that conclusion.

Boy was he wrong, standing in the aftermath of what you just did. You both went into your room and there, you picked up your sword and straightened it out, aiming at a wall, you slammed it down, bursting the air forward and broke the wall with it.

You were mentally cursing as you casually fixed your sword’s state, and brushed off your shirt, as if there were dust on it. You didn’t mean to break the wall, but it just happened. What on earth did you expect?

Satan was stunned, these walls were pretty sturdy, so he thought. Not only that, but his hypothesis was completely wrong. Your quirk wasn’t the sword, was it?

Satan’s ultimate reaction to it was that he’s curious to know what exactly your quirk is, and how it works.

He questions you all the night about how it affects your body, like do you have to concentrate energy to your fingertips to control what is your center of gravitation? Could you use yourself as a center of gravitation? Would it hurt if you did? Where did you get that sword? Could you-

The questions kept coming at you that the two of you spoke until dinner. No one could find you and Satan in any other rooms, so Lucifer checked your’s. He immediately noted you and Satan are together but WHY is there a broken wall.

Oh you forgot about that.

Not to worry, Satan takes the blame. He says his anger got the best of him and that you were calming him down. You have a friend in Satan.

Lucifer could tell it was you since you had a very long sword in your hands, and that it probably had something to do with your quirk, but let it slide since Satan insisted of taking the blame.

Asmodeous

Asmo had finally convinced you to come to a club with him. In insisted he would take care of you if you couldn’t take care of yourself, bugged you for days.

He really wanted to boost his popularity being with the first quirk user in devildom, while bragging about your achievements, it’s his way of saying he is fond of you.

After going to the club, you and Asmo seperate a bit because he got dragged off by succubi, so you ended staying in the corner.

Of course you can’t do that in a club, someone will always approach you. A tall demon tried to get you to dance with them. No matter how many times you rejected, they kept going.

They were probably thinking they could intimidate you into dancing at least and then try something, but you were not a pushover. Asmo finally spots you and is worried and tries to rush over through the dancing crowd.

After the demon tries to grab your wrist you reached behind your belt and pulled out a small curly sword.

The demon was laughing since he thought you were going to attack him with a small sword. That wouldn’t even leave a minor injury. Instead, you step to the side so he’s not directly in front of you, and slam the sword to the side.

As it straightened, you collected air towards it and slided it up then down in it’s direction. You released the air collected as you slammed and a strong gust of wind exploded.

Even the demon was sent flying, crashing into a now-damaged pillar. Sighing, you twisted your sword into it’s curly state again, and put it away.

Asmo was rushing to you in awe. You just defeated a tall and scary demon by yourself!! He knew you had a strong quirk, but not enough to take down a giant demon.

When he finally made it, he took your hands in his and asked the basic questions, like “What’s your quirk? How did you do that? Can I post a selfie of us on devilgram while you use your quirk right now?” And it progressively got to

“Are you wrists okay? Are they still beautiful? Do you want me to apply lotion?”

The entire club was also in awe and staring, but you couldn’t really tell over how dramatic Asmo was being. It was an everyday occurrence to swing your blade at someone, but maybe the demons don’t have epic fights like you thought.

Needless to say Asmo is impressed and wants to brag about you and your amazing quirk to the world and how you two are closer than best friends.

Beelzebub

“Ah, Your name was Beel, right? Would you minded if I trained with you?”

You were the one to approach him first. You really wanted to keep up your training schedule while in the devildom, and hoped that the gym he went was similar to humans, or at least had a practice space.

He was ecstatic to have a training buddy, so of course you can come. You asked him if the gym had a room with training dummies or something similar, and he said there’s a free practice room with dummies you can break if you want.

You were super excited to use the dummies especially if you can break them because you might have to stop after two or three blasts if you couldn’t break them.

While at the gym you two did regular things at first, benchpress, whatever fit people do. Then you came into the training room.

You were tiny compared to Beel so he didn’t think you could do that much damage. But oh buddy. He was wrong.

You brought out your sword and twisted it straight, and stood at a very far distance. Beel was confused to why, but watched regardless.

As you swung your sword down, you collected air and then released it forward, splitting the air into two different sides for a double blast, a new technique to dispel air you’ve gathered you’ve been working on.

Beel could only see it for a matter of seconds as the wind flew past him in milliseconds, before it reached the training dummies in around five to six seconds total.

He was amazed because the training dummies were broken. The one on the left and right, which you were aiming for.

You didn’t expect them to break easily, so you turn to Beel as if saying what now with your eyes. He’s immediately patting your head and telling you that you’re amazing, and keep going.

Such a tiny person can have so much power because of their training;; such amazement and respect for you.

Afterwards he treats you to a meal and you take become close friends and gym buddies, encouraging each other not to give up on your workouts or training.

Belphegor

Belphie had never once seen your quirk, even if he tried to kill you once. You didn’t have your weapon on you at that time and couldn’t do anything.

He also didn’t attend classes often, being asleep at home. But today was a rare day he attended, and he stuck to you like glue, claiming he needed to spend time with you since his brothers hog you.

It was all going well until a demon you knew approached you. He wanted a rematch for last time and claimed he was stronger now, after two months.

Belphie was confused and you explained that while you were at school here, you’ve been challenging the top demon delinquents to get the title of strongest.

He’s just like “wowww. you really don’t have a sense of danger, do you?” The answer is you don’t. You were fairly confident in your abilities.

He stops leaning and hugging you to lean against the wall as he watches the two of you fight. If anything happens to you, he will kill the demon.

He figures it’s gonna be long and drawn out since you’re just a small human, but was he wrong.

Before the demon could move, it was over in seconds. You swung your blade down and as it expanded, you collected the air around and then sliced it sideways in the demon’s direction, giving a horizontal blast of air that he couldn’t dodge.

You called yourself the champion and pat yourself on the back as Belphie is stunned. You really just defeated a delinquent demon with your quirk in seconds, huh?

Belphie tells you you’re alright for a human and rather than pry into what it is, asks if you can prank Lucifer with it.

He’s pretty nonchalant but knows that you can take care of yourself now, and feels a little better with that knowledge since he can’t be with you 24/7.

You’re both going to trip Lucifer on small bits of air occasionally when he’s super tired just to see him lose it.

#obey me #obey me hc #obey me shall we date #obey me swd

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milkybonya · 4 years

Note

Can I request a Soulmate Au series with Pentagon? Please 👉👈 (if possible could you start with Hongseok?) *also my english sucks so I'm really sorry

hello lovely anon!! you are my first request hehe i’m so excited !!! also your english is AMAZING so don’t you worry

I hope you like it !! if this is too short, you can request a part 2 as well

Other members: Soulmate!Kino / Soulmate!Shinwon / Soulmate!Yeo One / Soulmate!Jinho / Soulmate!Hui / Soulmate!Yanan / Soulmate!Yuto / Soulmate!Wooseok

Soulmate!Hongseok Au

Part 2

Warnings: mentions of pain/injuries

Pairing: Soulmate!Hongseok x reader

Summary: From the age of six, you feel pain every time your soulmate does until you find out who it is.

Song recommendation to listen to while reading: Hongseok’s cover of an OST by Baekhyun, find it here

[a/n]: omg look i found a gif of Hongseok singing the Baekhyun cover ^

On your sixth birthday, the first time you felt your soulmate’s pain was on your knees. It felt like a scrape, as if you’d fallen on gravel. When you looked down, your knees showed no signs of being hurt though, and you were confused.

When you told one of your friends at your birthday party about it, they said, “you’re six now. It must be your soulmate! He must’ve fallen down…”

Although your knees burned a little, you were more worried about your soulmate. Was he doing okay? Why did he fall?

Over the years, you didn’t feel too much pain, and you were glad to know that your soulmate was taking good care of himself. Sometimes, you would feel a small scratch on your hand - the telltale feeling of a paper cut. You guessed your soulmate liked to read books.

One or twice, you felt something hot against your hands and guessed your soulmate had burned himself while cooking or eating. You would also feel a sharp pain in one of your toes or elbows sometimes, and you knew your soulmate had bumped into something. It was always small pains like that.

You took good care of yourself too, not wanting your soulmate to feel pain. Everything was fine until you reached your teenage years.

The muscle pains. The muscles pains. Oh, were they bad. Your arms, shoulders, legs, even your stomach burned for a good hour everyday. It was the burning feeling of exercise - your soulmate was working out. While you were proud of him for being so healthy, you wished he would give you a break, because you could feel the pain from all of his hard work too.

One day after many years of enduring his workout pain, you decided you were going to get him back. You had been so nice to him all of these years, always taking good care of your body so he would never have to feel any of your pain. This time, you were going to work out, and he was going to feel every bit of it.

You went to the gym that was closest to your home and walked to the front desk to sign up for a membership. There were a lot of people behind the desk, some waiting to help and others talking in the Employees Only room in the back. They all looked fit, and you assumed they were personal trainers.

After filling out the forms, you put them all neatly in a pile so you could hand them to the lady who had been helping you, but you were moving so quickly that the edge of one of the papers pressed again your palm and you got a small paper cut.

When you did, you heard a yelp from the Employees Only room in the back. Even the lady who had been helping you turned around to see what was going on.

“Just a paper cut I think, don’t worry!” A boy said in the back, waving his hand around. You thought it was funny how you both got a paper cut at the same time.

“Oh, it looks like you got a paper cut too. Do you need a band-aid?” The lady behind the desk kindly asked you.

“No, that’s okay,” you responded, since the cut was very small anyway.

“Okay, so I think because it is your first time coming to a gym, it would be good to start with a personal trainer. You can see what it’s like and choose to continue without one. Does that sound good?” The lady explained.

“Yep, that’s fine!” You responded.

The lady proceeded to ask you about your schedule so she could set up times when you could meet your personal trainer.

“This is perfect! One of our trainers who fits your schedule is here right now, I can bring him and he can show you around.”

She went into the back room and when she walked back, the same boy who had gotten a paper cut earlier walked out.

“Hongseok, can you show this person around? You’re going to be training them,” she said to Hongseok.

“Sure,” he replied, looking at you and giving you a big smile. “My name is Hongseok, I’ll be your trainer from today. Let’s go look around the gym!”

He walked around the desk and together, you went to the gym area. He carefully explained all of the equipment to you, and every time he turned to you to make sure you understood what he was saying, his eyes would stare right into yours. You weren’t sure why, but your heart would race and you would have to look away.

After the quick tour was over, he turned to you, hands on his hips. “So, how about we get started today with a quick workout?”

“That sounds good!” You felt so happy to finally be able to make your soulmate feel the same burning that you had to feel everyday.

Hongseok led you to where there were some mats on the ground. “Let’s start with some stretches to warm up,” he said.

He told you to stretch out your calves by touching your toes, demonstrating before asking you to do it. Strangely enough, right when he did it, you also felt pain in your calves. You thought to yourself that wherever your soulmate was, he was also starting his workout at the same time as you.

When you stretched just like Hongseok showed you, he placed his hand on your back and gently pushed you down, encouraging you to stretch as much as you could. You felt such a sharp burn in your legs and smiled, knowing that your soulmate must also be feeling it.

When you finished the first stretch, you stood straight up to notice an uncomfortable look on your trainer’s face. He starting rubbing his calves.

“Are you okay?” You asked him.

“Yeah, I’m fine. My calves really hurt… That’s okay, let’s keep going!” he laughed lightly and showed you the next stretch, but you could tell he was hiding something.

With every stretch, Hongseok would demonstrate first and you would feel pain every time. You thought you were either so afraid of exercising that you were imagining things, or your soulmate really was doing the exact same workout as you.

Hongseok would make sure he was always near you whenever you stretched, making sure you were balanced, always placing a hand on you to encourage you to stretch further. He always looked uncomfortable though, and you were starting to get worried.

He walked you to the treadmill and showed you how all of the buttons work. He set you up for a light jog and stood right beside the treadmill, making sure you were doing okay. You felt a little uncomfortable with him watching your every move, but it encouraged you to work even harder. Your entire body was aching, but you kept going.

You were a little disappointed, though. You expected more encouragement from him, but his face looked sour and he kept spacing out. It was making you a little angry, so you ran even harder.

At some point, your chest started to ache as you breathed heavily. Your legs felt heavy, you were so tired but you kept going.

Beside you, Hongseok was panting with a hand on his chest. He was doubled over and placed a hand on your treadmill, signalling you to stop.

You came to a stop and stepped off, bending down to take a look at his face.

“Hey, are you okay? You haven’t seemed so well during this whole thing,” you said.

He looked up at you and his face was all scrunched up, full of pain. His eyes looked into yours, and you had to look away again. He took a sip of water and stood up straight.

“Haven’t you noticed what’s going on?” He asked you.

“What’s… going on?” you repeated, confused.

“Every time you’ve been doing the stretches, my muscles also hurt. Just now when you ran, I felt like I was going to die. I thought it was a coincidence, but it can’t be. You even have a paper cut on your hand,” he said, holding your hand to show you the paper cut. “I felt when you got that at the reception desk,” he explained.

Your eyes widened as you realized what was going on this entire time. None of this was a coincidence, your soulmate was right in front of you!

“So it’s you? You who works out every day and makes me feel so tired and full of pain?” you asked, pointing at him.

He laughed and scratched his neck. “Yeah, it’s me, your soulmate. I’m sorry for making you hurt all this time… Wow now I really know what it felt like though, that sucked,” he said.

You sighed, staring up at the ceiling. You were annoyed, confused, shocked… but also amazed. This was your soulmate! This tanned man with rounded lips and beautiful eyes was your soulmate! And now that you had found him, you wouldn’t feel pain anymore.

“Let’s keep working out,” Hongseok said, winking, “and I’ll treat you to something healthy after we’re done.”

Part 2

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manikrege · 3 years

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I reached out to the kid I bullied in school. It hurt like a bitch.

Moving places makes you realize how badly humans need closure. How hard we strive for the chapters of our lives to open & end neatly, one by one. And how much we hate cliffhangers, incomplete pages, or vague endings off the screen.

I tried to seek my closure yesterday. Because I'm moving away from the neighborhood I grew up in. Don't worry, it's nothing I'm going to miss. School sucked for me, as it did for most 'studious' kids.

Fat, nerdy, weird, and a bit on the 'girlish' side, it was like this boy entered the class wearing a cap that said, "Your new favorite target." Of course, the cool kids ganged up & left me broken. I felt all alone like a wet puppy abandoned in the rain.

So like a dog, I learned survival, the ugly way. I bit back, chewed on smaller prey. And before I knew it, became the very thing I hated the most. A bully.

Roy, let's call him that, had the same awkwardness that had made me a target. His only disadvantage was that he didn't want to fight back. This allowed me to slowly strangle him, one taunt at a time.

It started out as lame jokes that you'd expect from any teenager. Calling him "gay," laughing at his curves, making him feel unwanted. This graduated into mild jabs & punches. And then finally, one day, the five of us spent 2 straight hours 'roasting' him, stepping on every last piece of his self-confidence that we could find on the floor.

Turns out, he'd had enough & his father was at my door with an audio recording of what we thought was sublime standup comedy. I felt ashamed but cried victim, pushing the blame back onto him. Tit for tat.

We stopped playing with him after that day. He had become a traitor. I don't know if he found that liberating. And if he did, I can't imagine how fucked up that would be ... feeling happy to finally have no one you can make memories with.

I went abroad and forgot about Roy. Until yesterday when we were packing up and I saw him pass by. Something snapped. Like an ice cube being run down my neck.

As someone who has been through so many changes in the last few years, I felt an urgent need to prove to myself that I'm no longer the person I was years in 2014. I wanted to leave this shithole behind for good.

So I messaged him on Facebook.

Dear Roy,

I won't ask if you remember me because I know you do. I just wanted to say I'm really sorry for how I treated you.

There's no explanation. No my side of the story. No excuse. And they weren't just harmless jokes.

I bullied you badly and caused you a lot of pain. Practically ruined your childhood. And I don't know if you're doing better. I hope you are.

You didn't deserve any of the shit I gave you. I did it because I felt powerless myself and needed something to fill that hollow space in my days.

We moved out yesterday & I wanted you to know that I'm aware of my mistakes and although I can't change the past, I am working to heal, both myself and others. I'm part of some NGOs that help poor kids in Majiwada. I do regular activities to put a smile on their faces.

Again, I know this isn't enough or even related but I hope someday you can forgive me. Even if you can't, I understand. And I really wish that you find love, happiness, and peace wherever you go - yes you do deserve those things. I was wrong.

Please let me know if I can do anything for you.

Thanks.

He responded with that "blue thumbs up" icon. That's all. I didn't push it, either. We didn't have a heart-to-heart conversation to go over everything. I'll probably never see him again or know how he turned out to be. It just is.

So did I get my closure? As I unpack in my new room, I'm not sure if it matters anymore. Because I think human relationships are much messier than we let on. You cannot just file them into chapters.

Sometimes they'll end abruptly.

Sometimes they'll reappear again and again, unexpectedly.

And sometimes you'll find new meanings every time you go back to old pages.

More importantly, you cannot just erase the damage you do to people. You cannot say sorry hoping everything will be forgotten and forgiven. The harsh truth about scars is that they never really heal.

But someday someone will look at those scars you caused on people, and madly fall in love with them. Someone will find that pain beautiful. Someone will turn it into a source of strength and love. And you can take the first step towards making that happen - by just saying one word.

GET TO THE POINT- If you think you hurt someone, you're right 9/10 times because we're hardwired for empathy & kindness so the moment we give in to hate, our mind sends us a small hunch. So just say you're sorry. Not "sorry if I hurt you." Not "sorry but it wasn't my intention." Just. Fucking. Sorry. Own what you did. It means everything.

DON'T FORGET IT- Yes, it's best if you repent asap but even if it's 10 years later, admitting to your fuckups is the right thing to do.

DON'T EXPECT AN OK- Your sorry is about you choosing to become better. For the person in front of you, it represents lots of trauma, heavy baggage, and painful memories that they've probably suppressed or internalized. So they may not forgive you or even respond. Please respect their privacy & feelings this time. And move on.

Trust me, this was one of the hardest things I've done as an adult. That said, I think we all did stupid things when we were kids. I think we were all MADE TO DO stupid things by a select few who understood intuitively how war works. I think most of us were a form of entertainment. Puppets. Dogs in a fighting ring. Dogs trying to fit in, or be liked, or just be left alone.

Just realizing how insanely toxic this entire game was ... is probably the most obvious sign that you're growing up. I know I am. I'm actively working to be truer to the kid I was before they took him away from me. And I know it's not going to be some beautiful transformative journey away from my past like they show in the movies.

It'll be ugly, too painful to bear sometimes. Because I'll meet parts of me that I hate. Parts you'd hate if you knew them. Parts that I'd rather not be remembered for. But you know what?

Sometimes, the first step in conquering your demons is accepting that they exist.

That they make you but don't define you. That you have a choice to be kinder, sweeter, warmer. And the only thing that matters is whether you have the courage to make that choice even when the whole world is giving you a billion reasons not to.

Be that one reason everyone needs to heal.

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nonbinaryresource · 5 years

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I am having a hard time with my cis het spouse. I'm AFAB but currently identify as non binary. First time I met my partner I told them I'm pansexual and till this day I am still that... but he can't see me the same way because he saw me as a cis woman and he has been saying he is straight but nothing in this marriage is really straight. I'm also pregnant and he has been projecting phobic things he is afraid i'll transition into someone who identifies as a man and or trans. I'm stressed out!

Wooooo. Okay. I don’t know that you even realize how hefty of an ask you sent in? Like… there’s so much going on here, and it’s no wonder you’re so stressed.

I’m going to get quite blunt further down in this ask, so please don’t read this until you’re fully mentally ready to hear what I have to say because it may not be what you particularly wanted to hear.

So, first things first, I just want to let you know that I’m thinking of you, I’m here for you, and I’m so sorry for the stress you’re under right now. Team You” to help you out right now - if not, work on building up a Team You as much as possible (see link for help in doing this).

Next, I think this is a lot bigger and a lot deeper than any advice column or anonymous tumblr can provide! I think you really need more support than a one-off ask or even a couple of asks. Please look around your area for some queer-friendly therapists (contact your local trans/queer org and ask for some help and if they have any recs) and get thee to a therapist ASAP. I know you have a lot going on with the pregnancy and everything else, so also know that online therapy sessions are often more accessible, cheaper, and come with more diverse options. So online therapy is also a fine option to pursue!

Please ask if your partner is open to going to couples counseling as well. (Not in place of singles therapy but in addition - and not with the same counselor acting in both regards! Again, ask a local trans/queer org if they have suggestions on queer friendly couples counselors.) Having a baby is a lot of pressure and stress and causes a lot of natural changes in a relationship. Many couples turn to couples counseling during pregnancy, and I think that it’s a really good idea for you two to do so as well. It sounds like you two need some help navigating this new stress (which is only going to increase when the baby actually arrives so start tackling it now!) and working on healthier communication.

It really sounds like your partner in particular needs to pursue some individual counseling for an appropriate avenue of processing their feelings, but you can’t control what someone else does. You can suggest he look into therapy and/or ask him to consider therapy, but at the end of the day, don’t get caught up in trying to force him to go to therapy. Get therapy yourself, hopefully get couples counseling, and work on building up your own personal boundaries and enforcing them with your partner (I’ll get into this more below).

Okay, my two cents on the situation…

You are worth standing up for.

There is a lot going on all at once, so I want to break them apart a bit and possibly making them more manageable.

Consider your own wants, needs, and desires

I’m sure you have considered these things and just found them not relevant to the ask, but if you haven’t, ask yourself:

“What, if any, transitional steps am I interested in?” You might only be interested in learning more about certain steps and not interested in pursuing them, at least not at this moment. That counts and is something to think about. Social transition is also something to think about - not just physical or medical.

“What support do I need in regards to my identity right now?” You’re not getting much support from your partner right now. Do you have friends/family you can lean on? Are you leaning on them? How about a larger queer community? Could you make a few PFLAG meetings? Do any other local trans/queer groups hold meetings or talks or events that you could participate in? Are there any queer groups on meetup.com for your local area? How much do you feel a part of any online communities?

“What are my boundaries about how much I can help my spouse process his feelings about my identity right now?” Boundaries are good!!! Boundaries are healthy!!! You do not have to engage in trying to convince your partner of your identity!!! You do not have to be the one who helps your partner work through his own bigotry regarding your identity!!! Decide what you can really, honestly, actually handle, and start laying down boundaries. Practice saying things like: “When you say [x] about my gender, it makes me feel invalidated and anxious. I need for you to change the subject and stop talking about this right now.” and “I am not the person who can help you process your fears about my potential transition. I need you to stop talking to me about this and find someone else to talk to.” Use them. You are not a bad partner or person for not being able to talk about this with your spouse. You might have soft boundaries for some things (”I hear your concern about this subject, but I’m not in the mental headspace to be able to have this conversation right now. I’ll let you know when I do feel up to talk about this.”) and hard boundaries for others (see previous suggestions). That’s also okay. Just make sure you are keeping your own mental health in mind and being honest with yourself - and your partner - about what you can handle.

Partner identifying as straight

Have you ever discussed this with your partner? It’s absolutely valid to talk to a partner about what their identity means to them - and what it means to you. We can’t force other people to label in certain ways, but that doesn’t mean we can’t have a discussion about what the identity means to each of us or to ask if they would consider identifying in a way that’s more inclusive of your identity.

It may be that a conversation can clear up how a partner sees their own identity and makes you feel better about how you’re included in their sexuality. Or it may be that a partner doesn’t realize exactly how much this is weighing on you. Or maybe it’s something a partner has been thinking about but was afraid to bring up.

No relationship can survive - and definitely can’t flourish - without open and honest respectful communication, which means that everybody feels they have a safe space to talk and everyone is actually heard when they do talk.

This is something that is significantly bothering you and sounds like it may have been bothering you for a while. Therefore, it’s something that absolutely deserves attention.

(This is something that would be good to talk about in the presence of a queer-friendly couples counselor rather than on your own, if at all possible, considering your partner’s current reactions to your gender.)

Partner’s cissexist comments

I basically covered this under boundaries in my first bullet point, but it bears repeating because this is super important.

A) You are not the right person for your partner to process these fears with.

B) You’re pregnant!!! Stress impacts your health as it is and being pregnant increases the risks you can face when under high stress. Not only are you not the right person for your partner to process these fears with, this is really not the right time for your partner to be trying to process these fears with you.

Regardless of whatever therapy you do or do not pursue, please instate boundaries around these comments ASAP. Tell your partner that he needs to stop dumping this on you. If he forgets or ignores your boundary: put in headphones, walk away, call a friend. Do not spend time getting sucked into any more discussions or arguments about his fears. Decide on a boundary and uphold it.

Is it reasonable to discuss your own desires regarding transition with your partner? Yes, of course, that’s absolutely something that should be able to happen. But don’t think you sharing that is the same as him pestering and bothering you and making inappropriate comments about his fears regarding what transitional steps you may or may not take. An actual conversation regarding this cannot happen until he’s able to sort through his own fears and actually hear anything you might have to say. So, for now, just shut it down. He needs to go elsewhere, preferably a good therapist, to process his fears regarding this and spend some time getting more educated on trans issues so he can approach this conversation in an educated and genuine manner, before any more conversations about this happen with you.

Seriously consider ALL of your options regarding this relationship

I get it.

You’re married to this person and pregnant.

I’m sure you’ve had a lot of good times with your partner.

I’m sure you love your partner very, very much.

I’m sure your partner loves you very, very much and that you otherwise feel supported by your partner.

I’m sure you’re thinking about the support your baby will need as well as the support you’ll need, both while pregnant and afterwords with a newborn.

Maybe you’re even thinking that the pregnancy is stressful and things will calm down when the baby comes (but babies also put lots of stress on relationships!).

But the way your partner is treating you right now is straight up not okay. This relationship right now? Has a ginormous, gaping, huge crack in it. You cannot be in a truly healthy and happy and supportive relationship with someone who is denying your identity and pressuring you to perform/act/be/look a certain way. And it’s absolutely not better for you or the baby to raise a child in an environment with a ‘partnership’ like this. Please don’t downplay how harmful and upsetting your partner’s behavior is because you’re married and pregnant and love them and have been otherwise treated well. It’s okay to admit how much your partner is upsetting you and pressuring you and stressing you out. In fact you need to be able to admit that if you’re going to get to be honest with your partner about how you feel and the state of your relationship and the potential future of this relationship.

Regardless of what you end up deciding to do, I need you to start considering all your options just to be sure you really know and understand what they all are and that they’re all actually open to you.

Yes, one option includes divorcing your partner (and figuring out how to coparent with him at the same time).

I know! That’s scary and not what you want to do. I’m not asking you to do it. I’m only asking you to consider it.

Consider this not because it’s 100% what you should do (I don’t know 100% what you should do - I don’t think life really works like that and I think the best thing to do is always the thing you actually, freely get to choose to do) but so that you know it’s an option, you’re prepared if it’s the option you have to take, and to help give perspective to other options you have.

Think of what you’d need logistically and financially to move forward with a separation (who would get wherever you’re presumably living together and who would have to move? do you have family or friends you could stay with? what financial support would you need to make separation viable? does this change whatever plans you had to stay home and/or return to work? could you rely on family to help with childcare? would you need to interview for a nanny? what daycare options are available to you? do you have a bank account in just your own name with some money in it - if not, could you set this up now?). You don’t have to contact a divorce lawyer. Just think about what leaving would actually entail and realize that it would be hard, incredibly hard, and heartbreaking, but it would also be doable. Break it into small chunks and handle what you can.

Another option, of course, is staying.

Consider what it would mean for you to stay and - more importantly - what you need in order to stay.

Do you need your partner to agree to therapy (individual and/or couples) in order to feel safe and comfortable staying? Do you not need your partner to agree to therapy (even if you’d like it) but just need him to agree to stop dumping his trans-related fears on you? Do you need your partner to go to some PFLAG meetings and educate himself more on trans/nonbinary/queer issues? If you have been considering any form of physical/medical transition, is that something you’re willing to withdraw as an option for yourself? What can you do to support your partner and what do you need him to do to support you (and what does he feel he needs from you in support and what does he feel he can give you in support)?

Basically, it comes down to: you are not obligated to accept this shitty treatment towards you, not for any reason. What do you need in order to stay - and what are you willing to do if those needs aren’t met?

That was a lot to take in. You’re under a lot of stress and pressure right now. Please make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Lean on your support system. Ask them for help!!! I’m sending you good vibes and wishing you nothing but the best. I hope it turns out well.

~Pluto

#mod pluto #nonbinary #long post #relationships #exorsexism #cissexism #transphobia #answered #ask #asked #anonymous #substitute pflag for whatever applicable org if you don't have a pflag

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lovehelpmewrite · 6 years

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The People Who Love You [1]

A/N: This is very angsty, there's a lot of abuse!triggers, rape!triggers and the like. I was really in the mood to angst so yeah. Please enjoy at your own risk, triggers and angst ahead. Also, I didn't originally intend for it but its going to be 2 parts because tumblr only allows 100 blocks I guess... I don't know the word count because I'm on mobile, and I'm hoping my keep reading works but sorry if it doesn't. Its un-beta-d, and unedited and un-spell-checked, so all mistakes are mine. Anyways, read on.

"Yeah? Seriously? That's insane. Yeah. Yeah of course! Yeah I'll let him know. Thanks Sam. Yeah, you too. See you in a bit." I hung up the phone feeling happier than i'd been in a long while. Sam had called, asking for help on a werewolf out in Nevada. When he'd asked if I was still with Tyler I assumed thats who he really wanted on the case but I was excited to see them either way.

I walked out into the living room, seeing Tyler on the couch with a beer in hand. Out of reflex I grabbed another and set it next to his feet on the coffee table. He smiled in return.

"You're too good to me," he said, giving me he full attention for a few seconds before turning back to the TV.

"So, uh, Sam Winchester called. He and Dean have a case out in Nevada they wanted our help on. Werewolves. I told them we'd check it out, what do you think?" I asked quietly.

Tyler let out a deep sigh and I turned my eyes to the corner of the coffee table.

"I think," he paused, taking a drink of his beer, "that you should have asked before you went saying yes. And that I don't like those Winchesters, too fucking uptight, and Dean always stares at you." He threw an annoyed look my way before letting out another deep breath and finishing off his beer, getting ready to open the second.

"When do they want me?" He asked, tossing the metal cap onto the table. I watched as it skidded and slid of the edge onto the floor.

"ASAP. I told them we could be out there in a few days," I answered timidly.

Tyler let out another sigh of annoyance.

"Well, go back a bag, we'll leave tomorrow and I don't want to have to wait for your sorry ass to finish up."

I nodded and stood quickly, walking into the back bedroom and shutting the door softly. I let myself smile as I packed, enjoying the thought of seeing old friends again.

- - -

"Tyler, Y/N, good to see you," greeted Dean, pulling me in for a hug that made Tyler frown. Even so, I hugged Sam as well, enjoying their familiar embraces.

"So, where are you guys staying?" Sam asked, hands shoved in his jeans pockets.

"The Historian, on Gibson by the diner," I answered, unable to stop the smile on my face as I spoke.

This only seemed to annoy Tyler further. Quickly he drew an arm around my waist and pulled me to him.

"Yeah, she wanted to make sure we had a good view," he joked, Sam and Dean laughing as I cringed, remembering how upset Tyler was that the neon sign from the diner was visible through our window.

"You know me, only the best," I added.

Everyone laughed but I could feel Tyler's fingers on my ribs like knives.

- - -

"To a hunt well done," Dean toasted, plinking his beer bottle against mine and Sam's. We all drank and shared a small smile, me ignoring the fact that Tyler was dancing with some girl on the dance floor.

"I gotta ask," Sam said suddenly, after several tense moments. "What's with your boyfriend?"

I flicked my eyes momentarily at the girl grinding on him before turning on my stool to face solidly at the bar.

"He's just dancing, its fine," I said monotonely.

Sam and Dean shared a look.

I absent mindedly pulled my flannel sleeves down to cover the hand mark Tyler left from this morning, when I had taken too long to get ready so he gripped me by the elbow and shoved me at the door. My shoulder still stung but I could blame that on the werewolf at least.

"What thhe fuck?" Dean said suddenly. I looked at him oddly until he pointed out a still healing bruise on my sternum, visible with my shirt unbottoned. "What is that, Y/N?"

Nervously I shoved my shirt to the side so it wasnt visible anymore.

"Haven't you ever heard of a hickey, Dean?" I laughed anxiously, sipping my beer and hoping he'd let it go. He didnt.

"That's no hickey. Did he hurt you?" Dean asked seriously, his voice low.

"What?! No! He wouldn't! It... it was my fault. I was carrying the laundry basket and not watching where I was going and he accidentally bumped it into me a little hard. Its nothing," I shrugged it off.

It was from the laundry basket, from when he shoved it at me hard enough to leave a mark. "To remind me of my place," he said.

Sam and Dean just eyed me cautiously as Tyler came back from the dance floor.

"Hey babe, lets go, I'm beat," Tyler said.

I went to argue that i wanted to stay with Sam and Dean but I knew better than to speak out in public.

"Okay. See you guys later," I said, Tyler pulling me quickly away and out of the bar.

He yanked me out into the alley and shoved me against yhe grime covered bricks, pressing kisses to my neck and chest.

"Come on baby, lets do it right here," Tyler said, unbuttoning my flannel quickly.

"Ty, no, lets just go back to the motel," I said, gently pushing at his hands on my body.

"Come on, it'll be hot. You can scream for all the bar to hear," he continued, going for my jeans.

"Ty, I said no, stop it," I said more forcefully, shoving him off me.

He stood a foot away, bewildered for a moment while blood rushed in my ears. Suddenly his hand came fast and heavy against my cheek, knocking my head to the side. I held it in shock as it heated up. Tyler seemed to be gauging my reaction to it which was fear.

He sprung forward again and spun me around, pressing my shoulders against the cold brick as he undid my jeans.

"When I say I want to fuck you, I mean it you dumb prude bitch," he growled against my hair.

I stood, helplessly pressed against the bricks as he yanked my jeans and underwear down and pulled my hips back.

The only indication I gave that I felt him was the shutter as he slid into me. My whole body was numb, the slight rocking the only thing keeping me grounded.

When he was done, he came onto the ground and pushed my hips forward in disgust, making me stumble into the wall.

"Come back when you're ready to be an obedient whore," he spat, pulling up his jeans and walking away.

I felt the shake in my hands as I slowly pulled up my underwear and struggled to button my jeans. I let myself lean against the wall a moment, pressing cold hands over my eyes and smearing tears I didn't know I was making.

I sucked in a deep breath, cleared my face and stared dead ahead. Just another day.

- - -

I realized quickly I didn't want to go back to him so soon. I didn't want to seem that desperate for him. In a spur of the moment I walked to Sam and Dean's motel room, knocking on the door before I remember deciding to. Sam answered.

"Y/N? Whats up?" He asked, voice gentle and slightly tired.

"Hey, sorry to bother you guys, me and Tyler had a little fight so I just wanted to shower here for tonight if thats okay?" I asked timidly.

"Yeah! Yeah sure, whatever you need," Sam replied, letting me in immediately.

Dean was sat up on the bed reading something when he looked up and smiled at me.

"Hey, what're you doing here?" He asked, closing the book to give me his full attention.

"Just need a shower, me and Tyler had a fight," I explained. Dean grinned.

"Finally. You should really dump that douche bag," he commented, standing and walking over to his duffle bag.

"No... we just need ti work some stuff out. I dont know where i'd be without him, he's such a better hunter than me," I said absently, not thinking twice about the words coming out of my mouth.

Sam snorted behind me, Dean sniggered.

"Sure, okay Y/N," Dean said sarcastically.

"Really, I would have died on half my hunts if he hadn't been there," I tried, more to convince myself than them.

"You're ten times the hunter he is, he can barely shoot a sawed-off. But whatever you say, sweetheart. Enjoy your shower," Dean grinned, handing me one of his shirts and a pair of boxers.

As I stood under the steaming hot water and scrubbed my skin raw, I replayed what the boys had said. How could I possibly be a better hunter than him? All he talks about is how much easier it would be for him to do his job if I wasnt around.

I shook off the thought and went back to scrubbing at my thighs viciously.

- - -

I walked out in Dean's oversize Metallica shirt, picking at one of my cuticles, mulling over my options very carefully.

"He hits me sometimes," I mumble, watching Sam and Dean scrunch up their eyebrows before looking at me.

"Huh?"

"Did you say something, sweetheart?"

I turned my eyes up, forcing myself to back eye contact.

"He hits me sometimes," I said again.

I watched as Dean's jaw set and Sam's face turned to stone.

"Not often. I mean, not really anyways. Sometimes its worse than others, especially if he's been drinking," I said, finishing the sentance looking at the ratty carpeting as the nights memories came back.

"Its usually my fault anyways, I take too long, or I forget the laundry, or I get him the wrong beer," I added, trying to justify it in my head again. My face scrunched up as his words came at me as they always do.

"You'd be nothing without me. A dead whore in a ditch somewhere. You're lucky I'm here to teach you."

"He's dead," Dean said simply.

I jumped forward quickly.

"No, dont!" I said, gripping his arm tightly as he stood. "Its fine, I can handle it," I added.

Dean's hand came slowly up to my face and I winced as his fingers ran over the spot where Tyler had slapped me.

"You dont have to," Dean said quietly.

"I love him," I replied, eyes closed. Dean let out a slow breath and stepped back from me.

"Then you better get back to him," he said sharply.

"Dean," Sam interjected, eyebrows creased in disapproval.

"No, if she loves him she can head back to his room, and when he hits her again we'll come pick her up because thats what people who love you do," Dean spoke, eyes sharp and jaw set.

I stared at him a moment longer, my throat tight before I slowly grabbed my things and opened the door. I gave one last glance to Sam whose eyes were wet with unshed tears.

I shut the door behind me and let a few tears of my own fall before I made my way back to Tyler.

- - -

I woke up to the sound of beeping next to my head and throbbing in my ribs. I groaned as I turned my head, my neck stiff and sore as well.

As I looked around at the pale green walls and the bright florescent lights, I recognized the beeping as an EKG.

I panicked, trying desperately to sit up and pull out my IV's until a nurse came in.

"Sweetie, you need to relax, you're pretty banged up," she spoke, gently pushing my shoulder back and readjusting the IV tube on my arm.

I tried to relax, looking up to the ceiling and taking deep breaths to try and stop the tears burning in my eyes.

"Good news is your boyfriend's here, said he was worried when he found out you fell down those stairs. I'll send him up," the nurse spoke kindly, patting my hand before walking out and closing the door behind her.

My throat closed up painfully, tears falling back into my hairline as I thought about Tyler seeing me after what he'd done last night.

#tw: abuse #tw: negativity #tw: rape #please dont read if you're triggered by these #sam x reader #angst #abuse #rape #read at your own risk

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calumcest · 4 years

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i'm glad you're feeling better! and honestly i'm shook? i didn't even know you had that many career possibilities in other countries? like my brain automatically went from reading history and german (both truly great subjects btw) to lehramt.. honestly everything sucks about our education system and i'm sorry it's constricting your plans of moving here :( (pt1)

(pt2) though i can't understand why you'd want to leave london the literal best city in the whole entire world for germany like even with my very big love for berlin i just don't get it 🙈 (in case it isn't obvious: i love london with my entire heart) did you always live there? sendung mit der maus is truly quality tv :) did you end up rewatching it?

(pt3) your masters thesis sounds so interesting! i'd love to know more about it bc i only know a little bit about differences in gay rights between east and west but like next to nothing about how they handled hiv/aids and the influence of language is so fascinating too oh my god that made me crack up 😂 my mum grew up around hohenschönhausen 😅

(pt4) and yes exactly! like some jobs were treated so much more fairly and also what really surprised me was that according to my history teacher the east was actually a bit better/faster than the west in regards to womens rights (for example abortion was legal in the east earlier) okay so from your stories i definitely relate more to the british approach to criticism 😂 i can't tell people their ideas are shit bc i hate confrontation

(pt5) though i too was shooketh about how polite people in the uk are.. like just in a shop or sth everybody was always so nice it was weird 😅 so i get your mum's confusion. also i can't believe you apologise when someone bumps into you?? i mean this particular thing is sth i get very mad about bc i love my personal space but like just in general why do you apologise when it wasn't your fault? like yes i do apologise when i do it but if it's the other person's fault 😶

(pt6) yeah it definitely depends on the situation/person i think for practical reasons i say german first but try to mention berlin asap. aw thank you i appreciate it :) but oh my god i'm actually so sorry that happened to you, like while i love them for nostalgic reasons i agree that pfannkuchen(/berliner) can be so disgusting especially when you're expecting a crepe :( oh YES thank you so much i've been saying this exact thing for years!!

(pt7) like why do we need cases and genders when english works just fine without them? i don't wanna hear about genitiv ever again thank you very much. the correct plural is kakteen and kaktusse just sounds like a profanity and they went and made it an official possibility bc people kept saying it and ever since that i've hated duden with a passion. alex should definitely pay you for the promo & i've seen vegas mentioned on your blog a few times now so i'm gonna listen to it too :) -spoiler twin

thank u!! also i know right trying to explain that in germany was insanity they were like oh so ur working at a school bc u wanna become a teacher? :) and i was like absolutely not and they were like but u study history and german...SNDFJSNKDJF i think its insane that ur expected to choose your whole career path at the age of 18 though thats so stressful!

omg have you been to london before? also i didnt but i did rewatch an old episode with my parents bc i reminded them about it and we were reminiscing and its STILL as good as i remember it being good old christoph and his green jumper

thank u!! god i dont actually know THAT much about the language yet bc i havent started researching but a few interesting points i’ve picked up are that 1. they always referred to drug users as ‘fixer/fixerinnen’ which is obviusly like...quite a politicised term when they had the option to say like drogenabhängige or sth 2. academics would constantly refer to ‘ansteckungsverdächtigen’ and the verdächtig in that is like...HMMM...not good 3. there was a medical panel held in 1987 in east berlin which used english terminology to describe sexual practices that carried increased risk of hiv transmission (e.g. fisting) and because lots of people didn’t speak english they weren’t actually being educated on what they should be avoiding/doing more safely SO!! theres a lot to look at i havent really started researching like i said i should though but theres already a lot of interseting things in there imo sorry this is probably super boring i just get very excited about it

oh absolutely!! it was because of necessity (the way the ecnomy was set up meant that they needed all available bodies working) but it meant that there were SO many more provisions especially childcare and you can still see that prevailing today theres a huge divide between east/west in terms of maternity leave and childcare

omg SSNKDJFNKSJDFN honestly i have no idea we just do we literlaly apologise when we bump into lampposts its just an instinct bc u assume that its your fault bc you were in the way so u need to apologise for it but once the kids in germany started being like why the fuck are you apologising i had to physically stop myself apologising SKJDFNSJNDF

thats fair enough go di miss berlin so much i’m so desperate to go back theres stll so many things i havent seen bc ive never stayed longer than a week and its such a rich city you need more time to explore it i miss it so much lord take me back to the alexanderplatz galeria restaurant so i can eat overpriced schnitzel <3 whats your favourite german food? i have to say for me personally linsen & spätzle and maultaschen (my oma is swabian) for nostalgic purposes but marmorkuchen...schnitzel...bratwurst...klöße...weißwurst...brezel...lebkuchen...kaiserschmarrn...plätzchen...theres these lovely plätzchen my mum makes at xmas wait let me ask her what theyre claled i cant describe them. ok apparently theyre just schokoladenplätzchen ‘aber ich hab ein besonderes rezept von der ur-oma ha ha ha!!!!!!!’ (direct quote) GOD now i am desperate to go back to germany we cant get ANY good food here i swear to god . oh you know what i really love as well german junk food god you do junk food like nobody else the chocolate aisle in rewe <3 <3 <3 i miss the ja! chocolate chunk cookies so much

CORRECT i hate cases so much i’m so bad at them i still have no idea if its dem or den half the time how does it make a DIFFERENCE...also correct but the genitiv is dying anyway as we keep being told by our lecturers Der Dativ Ist Dem Genitiv Sein Tod <3 kakteen is a very intersting prospect i never considered that but the more i think about it the more i agree also kaktusse DOES sound like profanity but german swear words just arent that great anyway like fick please that upsets me so much ALSO i hope u enjoyed vegas!

#spoiler twin #Anonymous #helen answers #WHY DOES MY READ MORE NEVER FUCKING WORKKKKKKKK

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qqueenofhades · 8 years

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Hi Hilary, first sorry for what I'm about to dump on you - but I have no one else, and you've shared before, so on some level perhaps, you may understand. For the last 12 years, I've suffered through depression. It got crippling for a few years, but I kept pushing past it, and after that I figured I had a pretty good handle of it, even if it was lurking in the background like some mountain. Well, that mountain's grown, and the shadow dark. Most of the time, I choose to ignore it. Some days, 1/3

Some days, the only way I push forward is telling myself tomorrow can’t suck quite as much. Every day, I lie to myself, pushing forward. As I get older, still unaccomplished, still alone, still invisible, I know that my perhaps my parents and sister may be upset about my death, may mourn it a bit - but give them a year, they’ll be okay. Human beings adapt and change. And while I believe I will never take my own life actively, I can’t say the same for that passive carelessness. 2/3

All this to say - despite the fact that I seem invisible in the CS fandom, no matter who I talk to/how much I write, online, and IRL I’m constantly overlooked. I do my best to stand out but perhaps some people just are natural wallpapers. I digress - the point is I wanted to thank you and everyone else in the fandom. CS itself, while started as a a cute little OTP, became something I lived through - the idea that two people could love each other that much. 3/3+1

Even if I don’t know what thats like, to be someone’s priority, Emma and Killian, brought to life by A&E and given so much depth by all of you has been wonderful. Thank you all. P/S - Don't worry about how long it takes before you see this message, the point of it was to let it out and give gratitude. Cheers, and all the best. 3+1/3+1

Honey.

First of all, come here and let me hug you for a long time, okay?

If you ever want to come off anon and talk to me privately on messaging, I have done that for a lot of people before and I’d be happy to do it for you. In the face of what has been some pretty awful darkness for me too, and my own overwhelming anxiety and fear about the state of things, I’ve decided that the only way I am going to stay sane at all is to try to be kinder and more open-minded and trying to do whatever I can, so yes. Please, please do message me privately if you need someone to talk to ASAP -- I’m usually around or checking my phone, even if time difference is a thing (I’m not sure where you are, but yeah.)

I know exactly how you feel because I’m currently in that same place. I’ve struggled with depression for my entire adult life, and I keep thinking that as a so-called smart person, I should be able to make this stop happening. I should be able to fix it. I had a breakdown last night over that very thing, and how bad my anxiety has been, and how afraid I am of things never working out and everything else shitty and scary and awful that is happening in the world right now. I have also had that thought that if I just happened to go to sleep and not wake up, it wouldn’t be terrible, and nobody would miss me all that much.

I’ve had to deal with that kind of thinking by reminding myself that while it would be HUGELY tempting to just switch myself off for five years and go away, that isn’t how death works. You can’t switch back on when you want to; nobody has invented long-term hibernation or cryo-stasis yet. That is just science fiction. You still get only one chance at life, as dumb and terrible and fucked up as it is. And I see a picture of someplace I want to go, or think about someone I want to see or talk to, or yes, an episode of TV or a character or a ship that I want to see more of, and I realize I do still want to live and keep trying. I think CS and OUAT has been that special thing for many of us, and with the chatter about it maybe ending after this season, I can understand how stressful that is. I’ve drifted away from the show overall, but I will always, ALWAYS be grateful for the people it brought into my life, and the ways in which it’s changed me as a person. I honestly think many people would relate to your feeling of living through it, and being able to experience that kind of love vicariously.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how much human beings love stories, and always have. How in the course of reading a book, or watching a two-hour movie, or forty minutes of television a week, you can identify so completely with people who aren’t real. I think that empathy and that ability to do something like cry at the sad parts in a movie, to feel the pain of these people who haven’t existed and haven’t actually felt that pain, is one of the truest and deepest things that makes us human, and which gives me any hope at all for the future. Likewise, the way we can be so truly happy for these people who haven’t actually existed and who haven’t actually felt that happiness -- that ability to recognize, to connect, to again, do this for people who aren’t real is amazing.

If only, if only, we could be better as a species about extending that kind of empathy and understanding to the people around us who are real, who are feeling that pain, and who do really need our help. Fiction is an absolutely marvelous invention, but I wish humanity could be so much better when it comes to the non-fiction side of things. That we could understand what stories are doing to us, and what they’re trying to do for our own real life.

In the end, I have to remind myself that nobody would blame me if my head was physically smashed open, and I couldn’t THINK it back to being whole. I do my best to comfort and help and tell people it won’t last forever, and I likewise really struggle to believe it myself, that anything I do matters, that I will ever be off this awful roller coaster of a mental illness that has taken most of the last decade of my life (as I said, my entire adult life, and before that as well). But as I have said before, for better or worse, I’m still here, I see you, and you matter to me. I am so terribly sorry you don’t have anyone else to say this to, but I hear you. I hear you. I hear you. And your pain hurts me.

Come here, and we can sit together for a while.

It might not be much, but at least it’s something.

#tw depression #tw suicide #anonymous #ask

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